#Disclaimer: no the disorder is not enjoyable I just like this one part about it it makes me haply

[evildemonclan]

DID is completely worth it entirely for the Aogami soul cocoon, nothing else compares really

[figbian]

disability studies & classics: some introductory texts!

as a disclaimer, this is not a complete list and not intended to be. i don't necessarily agree with everything in these texts, either – i'd be happy to discuss what i like/don't any time :-) that said, i included them because i find them useful or important or because i liked them enough i wanted to talk about them. further, not all of these texts are accessible (as in, free and online); send me an ask or message me if you want access to something & if i can i will send it to you.

in case you're looking for more sources but don't know where to find a good list, this – though as of posting (may 2023) is two years out of date – is a list of works on disability in the ancient world. it's very cool!!

disability theory/crip theory

Keywords For Disability Studies (book, edited by Rachel Adams, Benjamin Reiss, and David Serlin) - this series of essays can be really helpful in situating yourself. i find them occasionally a bit oversimplified, but overall they're pretty good, especially if you're new to the field.

Beginning With Disability: A Primer (book, edited by Lennard Davis) - this is another helpful way to situate yourself! i haven't read all of it, but i found the introduction pretty informative for dipping your toes into disability studies :-)

Disability Goes Cultural: The Cultural Model of Disability as an Analytical Tool (book chapter, by Anne Waldschmidt ) [open access on jstor here: https://www.jstor.org/stable/j.ctv1xxs3r.5] - this article to me has its flaws but ultimately contains what i think is the most useful model for articulating & analyzing disability in the ancient world.

if you're interested in more specific disability theory stuff, feel free to send me an ask!

books/articles on greece and rome

truthfully, this is the danger zone for me as a latinist, who finds a lot of stuff supposedly on greece and rome to ultimately be about greece. further, i have bones to pick with these books, but they remain either the best we've got or otherwise foundational:

Mental Disorders in the Classical World (book, ed. William V. Harris) very medical, but still kind of interesting to look at and i haven't found anything better?

The Eye of the Beholder: Deformity and Disability in the Graeco-Roman World (book, Robert Garland) the foundational work but i kind of dislike it, tbh.

Prosthetics and Assistive Technology in Ancient Greece and Rome (book, Jane Drycott) i haven't read much of this yet, but i like drycott and this is going to be my post graduation treat!

Life as a Cyclops: Mythology and the Mockery of the Visually Impaired (article, Jane Drycott) really enjoyed!

Why does classical reception need disability studies? (article, Hannah Silverblank and Marchella Ward) i found parts of this preachy and wasn't super pleased with the thoroughness of the scholarship, but here we are!

A Cultural History of Disability in Antiquity (book, ed. Christian Laes) i don't like laes much but i found some chapters of this really enjoyable

Disability Studies and the Classical Body (book, ed. Ellen Adams) NOT OUT YET!!!!! but very excited for it.......

books & articles on greece

ancient greece has way more scholarship when it comes to disability, or at least this is my experience. i'm less interested in greece, but i still have a lot of articles and books i like + some i know are integral to the field. this is kind of an eclectic list of things i know are Important vs just neat lmao:

The Staff Of Oedipus (book): truthfully, i've only ever read the chapter on blindness (which i enjoyed!). it's not a perfect book, but it's so foundational and can be pretty interesting

The Discourse of Disability in Ancient Greece (article) - one of my favorite articles! i love rereading this :-) i think it's got some super interesting analysis on lysias 24 and the word ἀδύνατος. really cool if you're interested in the construction of "disability" as an identity.

Hephaestus the Hobbling Humorist: The Club-Footed God in the History of Early Greek Comedy (article) - i really enjoyed this article because of how it presents hephaestus, tbqh. im not sure how good it is – dying to hear from hellenists about it, actually – but hephaestus as funny because he's disabled (but not in an ableist way) was very interesting.

"Breathe Upon Us an Even Flame": Hephaestus, History, and the Body of Rhetoric (article) – in all honesty, i don't like this article very much, but what dolmage is doing is super interesting (trying to reconsider hephaestus as a figure), and so i included it. worth taking a look at.

Temporary versus Long-term Madness (article) - this article was a lot of fun for me.

books & articles on rome

full disclosure, i'm a latinist. i love rome. there's less out there but i have so, so much more to say about it. some good places to start:

Approaching Disabilities a Capite ad Calcem: Hidden Themes in Roman Antiquity (book, edited by C.F. Goodey, Christian Laes, and M. Lynn Rose) - this has some problems; i hate christian laes a lot but he's very good at citing lots of ancient examples! overall, the individual essays in this make it better than laes' own book, but they are disjointed.

Disabilities and the Disabled in the Roman World: A Social and Cultural History (book, by Christian Laes) - did i mention i hate christian laes? i don't like how he writes about disability, and at the same time he's incredibly prolific and good at citing ancient sources, so he's incredibly useful. read him if you want ancient examples, but be wary of how he talks about disability, because i think he fails as an abled person to think of disability as anything but bad.

Heroes and Outcasts: Ambiguous Attitudes Towards Impaired and Disfigured Roman Veterans (article, by Van Lommel) - i don't remember how situated van lommel is in disability studies, but i found this article & his work in general on roman veterans interesting enough to include.

there's so, so much more out there! this is just a taste! i tried to be conservative so as not to overwhelm, and even then this reading list is huge. i'm sure in a couple months i'll want to revamp this post lmao but i wanted it to be out there so people can at least see it esp since i promised to write this months ago. disability studies and classics is SO much fun and so novel and so exciting. so much to learn! so much to talk about! if you're interested in a specific topic, i can see if i can help you find more on it, but please keep in mind im currently only a student :-)

[eatyourheartvalentine]

I know am kinda answering my own question here. because like duh. There 💞yanderes💞 but what are. There certified mental illnesses?

(am looking at you. Allar, and Louie. 🫡😮‍💨)

I would like to make a disclaimer before I answer this; I am not a mental health professional. I do not want anybody to expect these disorders to be portrayed perfectly, and I don't want anybody to take these as completely realistic depictions of these illnesses. For the most part, I'm just going to talk about their general mental health.

Obviously, people with these disorders are not commonly as violent as these two characters can be.

I feel bad having to even make that disclaimer, but the Internet and society being how it is I feel it's important to point that out- especially since it's just Cat and I writing this stuff. 🐰(⁠｡⁠•́⁠︿⁠•̀⁠｡⁠)

Allars childhood placed a lot of trauma on him that he has not fully recovered from or learned to completely cope with. He has CPTSD and is Depressed, he also self harms during times of high stress in order to cope. There are times where he blacks out completely and disassociates, leaving him without memory of what he's done, though that's typically mid-self harm. 🐰

Louies mental state is complicated, but highly affected by his CIP disorder. Fear isn't something he comprehends outside of specific situations ( like someone he cares about dying or being hurt). It's easy for him to come off as uncaring and cold because he doesn't often show emotion. It's not like he completely lacks emotion, but it's often overshadowed by his lack of overall enjoyment. He's seriously traumatized by the death of Amara, which turned into an obsessive love disorder. This disorder has lead to generally destructive and violent habits that often result in him getting hurt in the process. ( For instance, he's got light burn marks from setting Honeys house on fire as a teen.) 🐰

I'd like to personally add on for Louie that his CIP heavily affects his ASPD. I've always wrote his character with this in mind specifically, as it really lines up with him as a person. 😺

I hope that all answers your question (⁠´⁠；⁠ω⁠；⁠｀⁠) mental health is complicated and can't always be completely defined by one particular label. 🐰

[irlwakko]

Ok for the "Choose Violence" ask game uhhh 24 and 10. i want to know

alright fair warning these might be kind of niche since like. I don’t interact with TOO MUCH of the TD fandom outside my mutuals

10. Worst part of fanon

The absolute baby-fication of characters! When characters who aren’t all good (read: just act like normal people with believable flaws) are reduced to little babies who can do no wrong and need to be protected at all costs. The character I hate this the most with (because he’s my favesies ofc) is Mike, but people do this with other TD characters too, like DJ (and to be fair TD itself kind of did this to DJ with how much his character changed between S1 and S3). But Mike’s the easiest example for me to explain what I mean.

Like here’s the thing. Mike can be an asshole sometimes, AND THAT’S GOOD! He is literally just a guy! Like a random normal guy who likes waffles and action movies AND SOMETIMES IS A JERK AND HAS FLAWS! He made fun of Brick for being a pants-wetter, he pushed Scott into the water where he knew Fang was waiting, he laughed at Scott and Sam in pain at various points. (Also I bring a sort of “Mike was a persecutor” vibe to the discussion of the alter’s roles in the system that people who babify Mike don’t really like.) He has flaws and that makes him a good character! And as the number one Mike enjoyer since childhood, with him being my favorite camper since literally before the season started, I can confidently say that if you CAN’G embrace your favorite character’s flaws and the bad things about them and HAVE to turn them into a totally pure of heart little baby to like them 1. there is something wrong with you and 2. you are watching the wrong show.

(Also obligatory disclaimer that jokingly saying a character has never done anything wrong in their life ever/calling them your poor little meow meow/whatever is different than intentionally ignoring their flaws/changing their entire character.)

Oh also you ever notice how the male characters get all their flaws and mistakes and bad deeds excused and erased and babyfied away, but if a female character does one bad thing she’s instantly horrible and irredeemable? 🤨🤔 interesting stuff

24. Topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

Ugh there’s a lot to choose from so here’s two I personally have experience with

- One time on TikTok I posted something alluding to the fact that Mike had trauma (you know. on account of the. traumagenic disorder he has) and I got unironically called a freak for it. They were like “it’s weird to headcanon a character as an abuse survivor” like. Okay number one it’s all but canon, that’s FreshTV’s fault for writing that character with that disorder not mine, and number two, as long as you’re being respectful in your depiction it’s. Not weird to headcanon characters as having trauma? Christ

- “is Scike abusive” “is Dunhar abusive” “is Gweather abusive” “is Malejandro abusive” i am going to hit you with my CAR!!!!!

🔥 “choose violence” fandom opinion game

[speedysoda]

DNI/blog rules

last updated (m/d/y): 11/9/24

If you don’t wanna read the full DNI, here’s a brief summary:

-nsfw blogs dni -no standard bigotry (racist, queerphobic, etc.) -no zionists/being anti-Palestine -no queer exclusionists -no “MAP’s”, zoos, etc. -no supporters of abuse or the romanticization of it in media -no condoning harassment -no ableism -no fakeclaiming disabled/neurodivergent people

Fandom-specific DNI:

-Curse haters, leave now. -Sonamy-centric blogs/aggressive Sonamy shippers. Casual fans are fine the pairing just makes me uncomfy, same with Sonally. -Excessively negative people (bash games/characters and the people who like them) -Against wholesome-ifying edgy stuff (we get silly here)

Basically: Don’t be a creep, be kind, mind your own business, and respect my boundaries. As long as you do that, you’re welcome here!

I understand fully that DNI’s do not necessarily “work”, but this is an expression of my own boundaries/views just to make it known.

now- here’s the basic blog rules.

-Don’t use my art for commercial purposes without permission. -Please be respectful to everyone here.

-Do not send me stuff related to fandom/creator drama. My least favorite part about the EXE community is just how caught up in drama and controversy it is. Just because I like a certain creator/their creations does not mean that I defend/agree with every single thing they’ve ever done or said. This disclaimer is also not necessarily a complete condemnation of whoever you think it may be referring to. If I feel a need to specifically condemn a certain creator/address my enjoyment of a certain character, you will find that in the important note underneath “fav characters” in the EXE section of this post. And yes, I am fully aware that the creators of my favorites are not all super buddy-buddy with one another. Frankly, that’s none of my business. I am just a fan who enjoys their creations. None of this is meant aggressively, it’s just that the behavior and mentalities I’ve seen in the EXE communities on other sites is horrendous and I don’t wanna deal with that shit here.

If you wanna read the full DNI with all the details and discourse-y terms and have more detailed blog rules, that’s all below the cut. But as long as you adhere to the above list, you should be good!

Do Not Interact if you are any of the following:

-If your primary blog/the blog you interact from is nsfw/kink related -Racist, anti-indigenous, anti-Palestine, bigoted against certain religions, xenophobic, etc. -Homo/trans/queer phobic or exclude any part of the acronym -Against neopronouns, xenogenders, “contradictory labels”, or any other good-faith unorthodox queer identities -Pedo/zoo/supporter of any harmful paras/against people with harmful paras getting help -Pro/com/dark ship or a supporter of those things -If you police/bash non-abusive ships -Pro-harassment of any kind -Ableist, against educated self-diagnosis, stigmatize cluster-B disorders or any disorder for that matter, etc. -Against otherkin/fictionkin/therains/alterhuman identities -If you’re outwardly against all endogenic systems (We don’t know our origin nor do we care, and neither should you! Fuck off.)

If you’re not sure what a certain term means/don’t have an opinion on any of the discourse-y stuff, then you’re totally in the clear when it comes to those rules.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 2

 -you dislike frank dillane’s portrayal of tom riddle only because you don’t think he’s attractive-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION (and this time, featuring a bit of armchair child psych from a student).

Wait, don’t clutch your pearls just yet. Compose yourself.

I am about to explain why it’s not actually that bad, and Dillane’s portrayal is vastly underappreciated.

I definitely agree that his portrayal comes off as ‘creepier’. It’s not helped by the stylistic decisions in the scene -- the smeary, green filter gives the scene a sinister quality. 

Even Slughorn looks suspect here, which is somewhat appropriate, given that he is complicit in this crime. 

Again, this scene is very much intended to be slightly off.

You’ll notice (and I’ll discuss this again when I talk about Coulson’s portrayal) that Dillane is almost always shot from at least slightly below, which makes the lower third of his face look bigger (and thus more menacing). The lighting also makes his eyes glow in a really unnatural way. There’s an echo-y effect to make his voice (and not Slughorn’s) sound unnerving.

People talk about how Coulson would have looked in this scene, and if he was filmed in the same way (monotone, smeary/shadowy filter, and always from below), he’d look a bit creepy, too.

But all of this, imo, is for a pretty good reason. Slughorn isn’t the POV character. Harry is. Harry is learning about how a young Lord Voldemort wheedled the secret of Horcruxes out of an unsuspecting teacher. Unlike in COS, he expects Riddle to be evil. And, so, Harry’s new perception of Tom Riddle literally colors how we perceive him.

Take this shot, for example: he does that head-tilt thing that Coulson does, and it’s actually... kind of... cute???

Imagine Dillane filmed from slightly above, like Coulson usually is, and it looks even more innocent. (I mean, come on, he does not look like he’s killed four people, does he?) It’s not hard to imagine teachers being taken in by this kind of act.

Even that little smirk he does when the camera (aka, Harry’s gaze) pans in, is for Harry’s benefit. No one else noticed that. 

However, I still fail to find this creepy, like, at all. Yes, it’s a fake smile, but he’s portraying a different side of Tom Riddle to Coulson. Whereas, in COS, he’s in his vindictive, murderous element, where he’s free to express himself, in this scene, Tom Riddle is doing what he does best -- manipulating and managing appearances. 

This entire scene is an act. And because Harry knows it’s an act, it should look a bit stilted. 

From the Hepzibah Smith scene in the books: Voldemort smiled mechanically and Hepzibah simpered.

So, Harry is pretty adept at parsing Tom’s fake expressions.

But just look at the expressiveness in his face: he goes from brooding, he blinks, and his entire face changes to this charming (fake) smile. 

At the risk of sounding elitist, I’m a bit tired of seeing the word ‘psychopath’, which is not an actual medical diagnosis recognised by any psychological or psychiatric institution, being tossed about, especially with reference to Tom Riddle (and from a neuroscience perspective, it’s doubly annoying). There’s no such thing as ‘insanity’ or ‘psychopathy’ or being ‘crazy.’

-although I use it too a shorthand in conversation to distinguish ‘canon’ Tom from his ‘softer’ OOC counterparts, I really shouldn’t-

Unfortunately, I’ve seen the ‘psychopath’ comment used time-and-time again as an excuse or a full explanation of ‘why Tom Riddle went evil’ (JKR in fact, has made a weird comment in an interview, basically saying that ‘psychopaths can’t be redeemed or learn adaptive coping skills’ or whatever), which really just goes to show the lack of understanding and compassion when personality disorders, especially, are concerned.

But what I like most about the opening of this scene, actually, is that first, listless expression. And this is where we get slightly into headcanon, but Tom Riddle is the opposite of a happy, mentally healthy teenager. By Dumbledore’s own admission, he has no real friends. He has no parental figures, no real attachments. Yes, he might derive some pride or enjoyment from being good at magic and top of his class and all that, but I really don’t think even Tom finds that truly fulfilling. There is nothing that makes him happy. 

In fact, although some might perceive it as ‘creepy’, I think that listless expression is an accurate window into Tom’s psyche. 

I know people aren’t big on Freud, but I think that he does make some interesting points (also, cut the guy some slack for being relatively open-minded for the Victorian Era, and inventing psychoanalysis and while yes he did say some sexist stuff, good luck finding a field of science that isn’t male-focused and makes crazy generalizations about women, especially back in the day) about the possible origins of thanatophobia, the fear of death.

According to Freud, thanatophobia is a disguise for a deeper source of concern -- he did not believe that people were capable of conceptualizing their own death to that extent. Instead, he believed that this phobia was caused by unresolved childhood conflicts that the sufferer cannot come to terms with or express emotion towards.

Now, I know Freud almost always attributes mental distress to childhood experiences, but I think in this case, it really has some merit.

According to attachment theory, the basis of how we form attachments in adulthood is dictated by learning it from experiences with caregivers in the first two years of life. We know Tom was born in an orphanage, and that he didn’t cry much as a baby, and subsequently, probably received very little attention. Compounded with possible genetic factors and his caregivers being afraid or wary of his magical abilities, he later struggled to form attachments because of this -- I would actually go so far as to say that by the time Dumbledore meets him, Tom Riddle is severely depressed. 

And that flat affect and anhedonia, I think, comes over very well in Dillane’s portrayal. There’s kind of this resignation -- a very deep sadness and loneliness to his character.

Of course, he doesn’t derive any comfort or fulfillment from human interaction, because (to borrow the description from the Wikipedia article on ‘Reactive attachment disorder’, which Tom meets all the criteria for) he has a “grossly disturbed internal working model of relationships.” In other words, he is unresponsive to all offers of attachment because of this unacknowledged trauma.

(You could arguably class Tom as having an avoidant attachment style, but I think in his case the trauma and its effect on him are severe enough to call it disordered.)

RAD isn’t particularly well-characterized (especially neurologically) and quite new in the literature, but here are some links if anyone is interested in doing a bit of digging: Link 1 | Link 2 | Paper 1 | Paper 2

And, instead of trying to resolve this conflict in a healthy way, or at least recognize that this is why he can’t be happy and try to learn how to cope from there, he (a) represses the desire for human attachment and (b) funnels that negative emotion into being the fault of Death, the Grim Reaper (again, to borrow Freudian terms). 

And we all know how that turned out...

(And now, this should go without saying, but psychoanalyzing fictional characters has nothing to do with assigning a morality to mental disorders. Mental illness is neither a cause nor an excuse for criminal behavior -- in the same way that the cycle of violence is a phenomenon, not an excuse. Tom Riddle did not become a genocidal murderer because, in common parlance, he was a ‘psychopath’ -- he was not necessarily ‘predisposed’ to evil and could just as easily chosen to not follow the path that he did -- instead, he willingly made poor choices. This is a descriptive analysis, not a justification -- a ‘how’, not a ‘why’)

Here’s a Carl Jung quote that articulates it better:

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

Yes, he’s a bit stiff (and a lot more formal than in COS during his *conversation* with Harry). But, and here comes the controversial bit, this is appropriate for a portrayal of a schoolboy in the 1940s. The upright posture is accurate -- respectful, polite -- everything Tom Riddle would have been expected to be (and even Coulson, in that scene with Dumbledore in COS, is quite stiff). Even the way he looks at Slughorn and maintains eye contact is very *respectful.*

And, Dillane (I think he’s seventeen or eighteen here) actually looks like a believable sixteen-year-old. I’m sorry, I love Coulson’s portrayal as well, but he looks around nineteen in COS; so in HBP, he probably would have looked at least twenty-two or so. (Sorry, not sorry).

This may be influenced by my own interpretation of the character (because I imagine Tom always looks young for his age, and Dillane fits that archetype, but I don’t think that’s very popular), but I think young Tom Riddle is supposed to be *cute* and a bit stiff/shy/awkward (being charming and awkward is very much possible), if you consider the way Dippet and Slughorn treat him. 

To support this, he says very few words to Hepzibah Smith (in the book, that scene’s not in the movie), and is very... bashful and coy during the whole interaction? I think yes, he’s charismatic, but he’s not loud, suave, openly flirtatious or particularly verbose. Tom Riddle should have a quiet magnetism, and to me, that came across in Dillane’s portrayal.

"I'd be glad to see anything Miss Hepzibah shows me," said Voldemort quietly, and Hepzibah gave another girlish giggle.

...

"Are you all right, dear?"

"Oh yes," said Voldemort quietly. "Yes, I'm very well. ..."

Even the ‘ugly, greedy look’ described in the books, when Slughorn starts spilling his secrets, is there. This is how he’s supposed to look! Slughorn glimpses it, but doesn’t understand its significance. Harry does. 

“Slughorn looked deeply troubled now: He was gazing at Riddle as though he had never seen him plainly before, and Harry could tell that he was regretting entering into the conversation at all.”

Remember the context of this moment, as well: He’s just discovered how to create multiple Horcruxes. Excuse him for looking a bit creepy (if not now, then when?).

Here’s two direct quotes of Harry’s impression of Tom Riddle in that scene: 

“But Riddle's hunger was now apparent; his expression was greedy, he could no longer hide his longing.”

“Harry had glimpsed his face, which was full of that same wild happiness it had worn when he had first found out that he was a wizard, the sort of happiness that did not enhance his handsome features, but made them, somehow, less human. . . .”

Tom Riddle’s Horcruxes are a direct metaphor for his refusal to allow himself to heal from his trauma -- instead, he continues to inflict destruction on himself and others.

His desire to continue creating more Horcruxes sort of resounds with the fact that self-harm can also become a compulsion.

I’d also like to digress a bit to discuss the Gaunt Ring, while we’re at it. While we’ve talked about his attachment issues in general, this discussion is particularly pertinent to father figures. And while Tom’s attachment issues are extensive, I think there’s ample evidence that as a child, he craved acknowledgement and acceptance from a father figure -- the man who gave him the only thing Tom truly owned -- his name. He would have had a vaguely defined mother figure in Mrs. Cole, perhaps.

"You see that house upon the hillside, Potter? My father lived there. My mother, a witch who lived here in this village, fell in love with him. But he abandoned her when she told him what she was.... He didn’t like magic, my father ... He left her and returned to his Muggle parents before I was even born, Potter, and she died giving birth to me, leaving me to be raised in a Muggle orphanage ... but I vowed to find him ... I revenged myself upon him, that fool who gave me his name ... Tom Riddle. ..."

We know that by June of 1943 (COS flashback) Tom has already uncovered the truth of his parentage; he knows he is the Heir of Slytherin via the Gaunt line, and he describes himself to Dippet as ‘Half-blood, sir. Witch mother, Muggle father.’

In Part 1, I discussed the high probability that as a presumed ‘Mudblood’, Tom Riddle was treated rather poorly in Slytherin House. But by this scene in the fall of 1943, he is surrounded by a group of adoring hangers-on. Why?

In my opinion; the Gaunt Ring. We know that Tom stopped wearing it after school, so its sentimental value couldn’t have been that great. We know he likes to collect objects (which I believe stems from his attachment issues -- he seeks comfort in things instead of other people).

Signet rings (such as the one belonging to Tutankhamun seen above) were used to stamp legal documents and such, in order to certify someone’s identify -- like an e-certificate, if you will. Like Tutankhamun’s ring, the Gaunt Ring bears an identifying symbol -- Marvolo Gaunt tells us proudly that it bears the Peverell family crest.

By the Middle Ages, anyone of influence, including the nobility, wore a signet ring. Rings in antiquity were auspicious -- they signified power, legitimacy, and authority. And so, I believe that all the Sacred Twenty-Eight families would have worn these, too.

And so, bearing the Gaunt Ring would have established Tom Riddle, symbolically and in the eyes of the Sacred Twenty-Eight (his future supporters and followers), as the legitimate heir to the House of Gaunt. This is why, I believe, Tom coveted the ring as soon as he saw it -- not just because it was a family heirloom, and not just because he thought it was a pretty toy for his collection.

(He curses it so that no one else but him can wear the Gaunt Ring safely.)

This is why, to make the legitimization literal as well as symbolic, Tom murders his father and grandparents. It’s not just an act of vindictive, murderous rage due to his perception of being rejected by his father (although it is that, too). And so, Tom, abandoning his search for a father figure (and possibly also giving up on the possibility to allow himself to heal from his own personal trauma rather than continue to inflict it on others), ‘cleanses’ his bloodline, to make himself truly legitimate. It’s rather telling that instead of affirming his legitimacy as a Riddle, which would have put him in line for a nice inheritance, and hey -- money is money -- (thus accepting his half-blood status), he simply kills them all. He has done all the murdering he needs to become immortal (and he hasn’t had the discussion about multiple Horcruxes yet); but yet, he does it again. Frightening stuff. 

(Just look how the others look at Tom. All but the one to his left -- possibly Nott, Rosier, or Mulciber -- have their torsos turned towards him. Their attention is on him, while he knowingly regards the viewer/Harry. Tom seems a little uncomfortable with the attention.).

“And there were the half-dozen teenage boys sitting around Slughorn with Tom Riddle in the midst of them, Marvolo's gold-and-black ring gleaming on his finger.”

...

“Riddle smiled; the other boys laughed and cast him admiring looks.”

...

“Tom Riddle merely smiled as the others laughed again. Harry noticed that he was by no means the eldest of the group of boys, but that they all seemed to look to him as their leader.”

The ‘gang’ are true hangers-on; Tom doesn’t seem to pay them much attention. 

So, if not via careful flattery or charisma, the attraction must be status.

And perhaps yet more telling...

"I don't know that politics would suit me, sir," he said when the laughter had died away. "I don't have the right kind of background, for one thing." “A couple of the boys around him smirked at each other. Harry was sure they were enjoying a private joke, undoubtedly about what they knew, or suspected, regarding their gang leader's famous ancestor.”

That, in my opinion, is as good as we’re going to get as proof that Tom’s shiny new signet ring (and by extension, his new status) made a big impression on his fellow students.

So, when he returns to Hogwarts, he is ‘pureblood’. He is cleansed of his Muggle roots, and becomes the legitimate heir of the House of Gaunt, now well on his way to becoming Lord Voldemort...

Watch the scene again, with a critical eye, and imagine Slughorn’s perspective, instead of Harry’s. There’s nothing creepy about Tom Riddle... unless you know what he is...

Strip away all the effects of Harry’s gaze (and notice, here he’s still looking at Harry), and he’s quite the charmer, actually.

(I will concede that I don’t like the promotional images where they have him looking like he’s up to no good. And I do wish he blinked once in a while.)

My challenge to you: Rewatch the scene with an open mind, and let me know if you agree that Dillane’s portrayal comes off as depressive rather than ‘creepy.’ And if not, why do you dislike his portrayal?

[flowerslightning]

(Part 2) Cloud Strife and his Mental Illness

a.k.a Psychiatric Disorder

| 1. Memory | ⇦ Click if u havent read it yet

2. Hallucinations, Illusions and Delusions

Since these three things relate well with Cloud's troubled memories, I'll be talking about them first before jumping to his Confused Personality

This post will bore u a bit or maybe a lot 😂 it depends. If ure interested with psychiatric stuff, u'll find this enjoyable as much as i do

Disclaimer : I'm 21 and still a tiny meany student. During my intern at Psychiatric Department, I learned and witnessed psychiatric problems from real life patients. And since Cloud (my fav FF character) has psychiatric issues, I'll be sharing some of my knowledge and interpretation of Cloud's character. Im not diagnosing him, rather i'm giving my own opinion about his status

@nibelheiim created a post about dissociation, she explained about hallucination, PTSD and more. Come and check her out! Her words were more direct and easier to understand. She explained about Psychological matter and she's a real psychology student too!

While my explanation will be more focusing on Psychiatric Topic and words used will be more complicated (with grammar errors). My facts will be based on ICD 10 and DSM-IV

A lot of people were confused with these three terms - Hallucination Illusion Delusion - These terms associated with abnormalities of perception. It is important to understand that this abnormality holds two keys; ● 1. Perception is the process of becoming aware of what is presented through the sense organs. ● 2. Imagery is an experience originating within the mind that usually lacks the sense of reality that is part of perception.

Abnormalities of perceptions have 4 theme, but I'll be focusing on two major types that relate with Cloud: (i) Hallucinations ; (ii) Illusions. Some cases, perception can be normal in intensity and quality but has a changed meaning for the person who experiences it - it is called as Delusional Perception. It is not an abnormal of perceptions, rather it is a disorder of a person's thinking.

Try guessing, how many from these terms does Cloud has?

1. Hallucinations

- A perception experienced in the absence of external stimulus to the corresponding sense organ. Eg - patient hears a voice when no one is speaking within a hearing distance or patient sees something approaching him when visually no one is there. There are 2 qualities to determine a hallucination: ●it is experienced as a true perception●it seems to come from outside of the head●

The above gif, where Sephiroth suddenly appear again before Cloud's eyes even able to touch Aerith's shoulder, it illustrate perfectly the 'Visual Hallucination'. No one can see Sephiroth, other than Cloud himself.

Cloud [Remake] kinda had anxiety when he stared at the fire and later he saw Sephiroth surrounded with flames, then poof, that silver guy disappeared along with the images of fire. He said he was hallucinating stuff after the first bombing mission. Idk how Sephiroth could create fake images of fire around him, either Cloud was really hallucinating or it was really Sephiroth that came to see him. But, this is what we call as 'Visual and Auditory Hallucinations'. Cloud SAW Sephiroth and HEARD him talking when no one else did. I can also add in 'Tactile Hallucination' because he probably felt the burning sensation on his skin from the flame around him that caused him to feel hot and sweating, or probably it was his anxiety that caused him sweating upon meeting Sephiroth with the flashback of his burning hometown

Hallucinations can occur in all sensory modalities; visual, olfactory, auditory etc. In the Remake, the Whispers could only be seen by certain people. To those who couldnt see it, they would be puzzled what was happening to u, and would've thought that u were hallucinating something, like in the case of Aerith.

In Cloud's case, perhaps Cloud [In OG] had auditory hallucination due to his severe case of Mako Addiction. But then, that wasnt exactly a hallucination though, cuz the thing he said "'Coming.. They're coming" was actually true. A monster fell from the sky.

Other 'hallucinations' that Cloud had was the images of Sephiroth that appeared in certain headache. Cloud may claimed it was his hallucinations, but i've read it somewhere that says it was really Sephiroth appeared before his eyes. Sephiroth was messing with Cloud's mind, trying to break his mental in order to control him. However, IF IT WASNT SEPHIROTH that came, Cloud's 'hallucination' would be known as a mental disorder that may lead to severe case - eg Schizophrenia.

2. Illusions

An illusion is a misperception of an external stimulus. It often occur in several circumstances: (i)level of sensory stimulation reduced (ii)attention is not focused on the sensory modality (iii)level of consciousness reduced (iv)being in a state of intense emotion- fear.

Does Cloud has it? Urm, maybe? Well, it can be proven when he saw his 'noisy neighbour next door' as Sephiroth. As stated above, illusions occur in 4 conditions, and Cloud was in number (i) and (iv). When Tifa yelled him to stop, Cloud came back to reality and got really confused when the 'Sephiroth' that attacked him was actually a sick guy. We can also add in 'Hallucinations of Deep sensation' in this scenario bcause Cloud experienced the feelings of being pushed down by 'Sephiroth'.

However, we all know that 'Sephiroth' was real at that moment. For Cloud, he thought it was an illusion, but for us the audience, it was a real thing.

If u want a better explanation and example, try watching Joker the movie. The main theme of the movie was 'mental illness'. There are lots of scenes that shows different type of hallucinations, illusions and also personality disorder.

3. Delusions

a.k.a fixed false belief. A belief that is held firmly despite evidence contrary. A delusion is nearly always a false belief but not always so. There are around 11 types of delusions according to the book. Half of it may suggest Shcizophrenia. Schizophrenia is certainly not in Cloud's case. I've studied one by one the type of delusions and none of them match with Cloud FF7.

I will surely give anyone a good punch in the face if they dare to say Cloud suffers from Schizophrenia. I've met with bunch of patients having it, and the way they see this world is totally different from us.

In some other cases, eg a spiritualist convince a person to believe in his spiritualism and he present with contrary evidence to the non-believer. This non-delusional belief is called 'overvalued ideas'

Overvalued ideas is an isolated , preoccupying and strongly held belief that dominates a person's life and may affect his action. One of the easiest example i can come up with; a friend who had skin cancer may be convinced to her roomate that cancer is contagious, and her roomate suspects any abnormal skin conditions she has is an evidence to show she too, may have developed the same cancer, when the truth is, she's just completely fine.

It is very hard to distinguish between a delusion and overvalued ideas.

I had a patient, he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He looked like an ordinary man, but when he talked, it sounded so unreal. He said he had jumped off from 10th floor several times and didnt get a scratch from it. He believed he wont die bcause he had gained super power. He even convinced me to try his 'so-called-secret technique- on how to survive a jump. By doing that often, I will have a superpower like him - a strong physical body. Up until now, I still dont know if he was being deluded with his thought or he was overvalued his idea, bcause from his psychiatric record, he did try to jump off from the second floor of his apartment's balcony a few times.

So, Im not really sure of myself did Cloud [FF7] really had delusion or not. Well, he believed he made it to SOLDIER bcause he had mako eyes. But was it something we called as delusion or was he just overvaluing his idea? He didnt know the truth and his memory messed up. No one could explain to him why he had Mako eyes, except Prof Hojo and Zack who knew the truth

Besides, after Tifa helped with his memory, Cloud accepted the fact he wasnt in SOLDIER. For patient who deluded with their own thoughts, they hardly could believe what people told him.

However, surely Cloud [in AC] had delusions of guilt and worthlessness due to the fact that he believed he had done something shameful and sinful - the main trigger of this theme was, he got infected with Geostigma while he was searching a cure for Denzel. Cloud got depressed with the loss of Aerith and the memory of Zack death had returned, but I think he was recovering very well in that two years time skip. The moment he got Geostigma, he became deluded he was worthless and his depression kicked in again.

Hallucinations and Illusions are normal to be experienced by healthy people, but it wont be if u encounter too many hallucinations & illusions in 2 weeks time. Believe it or not, a lot of people around us are actually mentally ill bcause some of them may have excessive certain delusions, such as delusions of jealousy, grandiose delusions, nihilistic, paranoid etc. Although 'it is consider as normal' in a few circumstance, a few cases need to refer to psychologist and in severer cases, must refer to psychiatrist. If u follow Dr Phil's show, u'll see a bunch of patients have different kind of crazy delusions.

Overall from my statement above, I would conclude that since Sephiroth always appear before Cloud's eyes, this resulting Cloud to think he has both Hallucination and Illusion, when in fact, he's just a normal guy with amnesia and personality confusion. Cloud doesnt have Delusion like how many fans said, neither he has an overvalued idea, even with the evidence of Mako eyes supporting his reasoning + he's a great fighter. I will have to say that perhaps it is his brain defence mechanism that tricks his mind to believe he is a Soldier.

If only Sephiroth stop disturbing Cloud's life, it will be a lot faster to fix Cloud. Tifa alone will be the main strength to get Cloud back to normal. Ah, but this is the beauty of the game. Life wont be exciting without the presence of a beautiful villain and a love triangle (Tifa-Cloud-Sephiroth). Lol Technically I see them trying to fight for Cloud's mental health. Tifa wants to help Cloud with his mental status while Sephiroth is trying to destroy it. Lolololol

My crack theory : Sephiroth says he's going to take Cloud's most precious thing, and he ends up choosing to kill Aerith, but ofc there's another reason why Aerith got killed. But if Sephiroth kills Tifa first, I think he can take over Cloud's mind faster, because then, no one will be holding Cloud back. Honestly no one can ever will, not even Aerith. So does that mean Sephiroth doesnt know about Cloud's deepest secret or is Cloud just good at hiding his weakness?

I WILL UPDATE THE NEXT POST LATER because I've reached tumblr limit images agaiiin. The next part will be focusing about his personality - Personality Disorder

If there is any part that I've mistaken, pls correct me. I'm sorry for my english. English is not my native language, so there are plenty of grammar errors.

[hecallsmehischild]

On Losing Weight

Recently I was asked a question that prompted me to pull together all the information I could remember about how my husband, Sergey, and I have been eating over the last few years. We both struggle very much with food and have been trying to do better by our bodies for a long time, but are wary of all the diets and fads. This post has details about what we’ve tried to date and what has worked for us. Most of it is written by me. At the end, Sergey wrote a few paragraphs also. Very long post under the cut.

Disclaimers and a few generalities

One thing about eating and weight loss is that accountability really helps. However, I’ve found personally that even if everyone in your family means well, accountability partners should not be within the family. The main reason I've found is that there's too much baggage with any family member (with the potential exception of your marriage partner) for accountability to ever go well and function as it should. Resentment, triggers, irritation, even accidental shaming crops up because of old baggage and derails everything. You need accountability with someone who you don’t carry a lot of baggage with, because there’s often a huge emotional component to eating.

It takes a LONG time to lose large amounts of weight. You can lose five to ten pounds relatively quickly, but often your body will stabilize on the new number and then you may find it very hard to get lower for months, so continuing to try new things is helpful.

You will yo-yo between 3 and 5 pounds all the time. That is standard. So think in five pound increments in any direction, because your bodyweight is constantly in flux over a few pounds. For this reason, weighing once a week is a lot more accurate than weighing every day and will cause a lot less despair and frustration.

We are not vegetarians at all. We cannot offer any thoughts on a vegetarian diet.

Whatever you do, food-wise, has to be part of your ordinary life. Short term diets set you up to fail. Changing your lifestyle is what will produce long-lasting changes.

Also, some of the things my husband and I try, in some ways, appears to walk the line of eating disorder. I’m watching it very closely with that in mind, and I still don’t think it falls into the trap. Sergey and I do not have enough activity to burn off all the food with take in, so we’re trying things to decrease our food intake AND increase our activity, so that we reach a reasonable balance. But people who have (or are tempted by) eating disorders need to take care, and I would recommend not reading this post or else proceeding with utmost caution.

Obviously not all of the things we do are feasible for everyone, but maybe even hearing some of our ideas might spark a different way of thinking about food and being active for you.

One Meal a Day

Three meals a day makes a lot of sense if you’re doing hard labor all the time. It doesn’t make as much sense if you have a desk job or take care of a house as your main occupation. So the first thing we did a few years back is cut down to one meal a day. It could be anything at all, but it had to be just one meal. That alone dropped us both about 10 pounds down. We’d have one meal around lunch, and later in the evening we would share a large bowl of some sort of fruit (like tangerines or cherries). The aim was to eat things that were both good and filling. Variation keeps you from getting bored and abandoning the lifestyle.

Meals were often grilled salmon or home-warmed burgers (lean, when we could) or a soup from Trader Joe’s. Some of our meals now:

Two burgers with lean beef patties, pickles, and some mayo on bakery fresh onion rolls

Lox (with is VERY low cal, if expensive) on onion rolls with tomato and onion, a little oil and pepper and salt

Sharing a whole roast chicken from the store, plus a roll each

Large can of tuna mixed with a little mayo on two onion rolls

Shredded chicken and mashed potatoes from the store’s fresh packaged food section

Pot roast and mashed potatoes from the store’s fresh packaged food section

Meatballs. Just meatballs.

A spicy beans/rice/sausage/mushroom dish we brainstormed that we make in a pressure cooker

Home-made chicken mushroom fettuccine alfredo. Not super healthy, but hot and homemade. (this is a “maintenance” meal, see what I mean by that later)

A bag of chicken fried rice from Trader Joe’s

Soup from the grocery store (not the canned kind, but the fresher ones sold by the store)

Two larger sized tamales

One frozen pizza (inspect the full calorie count, you’re shooting for something between 600 and 1000 calories total, which does exist but it takes some looking and experimenting with types) whose flavor can always be spiced up with extra mushrooms or garlic powder. Not the Tostino’s or Party pizzas. I promise there are healthier, tastier, and more varied pizzas to be had in this calorie range.

Chicken breast or chicken thigh meat is sold frozen. Cook that and make that into sandwiches for very lean, filling meals. Use of various spices encouraged.

A tray of baked “catfish nuggets” which are chunks of catfish cooked in the oven

A tray of baked white meat chicken nuggets

Cocktail shrimp (thawed from frozen) with cocktail sauce

I have just broken into the frontier of omelettes, also low-cal and filling in conjunction with onion rolls.

Sergey would often go to a salad bar and load up on the salad, then also load up on the chicken noodle soup which is very filling and very low cal.

Sergey eats his meal closer to noon or one. I try to eat my meal around 3 or 4 if I can hold out, because then I’m not groaning about how hungry I am in the evening or being kept up by hunger pangs. For me, that’s the mid-point of the day and the one that helps me deal with hunger best.

Snacks and Sweets

Snacks are always tricky, and large bags of anything salty are automatic failures in this house; we are incapable of portioning them. So we stopped getting them unless we acknowledged the truth to ourselves, which is that one bag is one serving size no matter what the back says (i.e. we embraced that we’re being bad and got it anyway).

For a while Sergey and I had an occasional bowl of non-buttered popcorn with powdered salt. This worked for a bit because it was pretty filling, but Sergey found himself making multiple bowls so we had to stop because that defeated the purpose.

Some stores sell very small snacks individually portioned, like a tiny foil pack of variously flavored olives, or banana bites coated in cacao, etc. Those are great. Rice cakes can be good, though I get tired of them after a while. I like the cinnamon apple and chocolate ones best. Speaking of cinnamon apple, individual oatmeal cups are good too. I aim for around 140 cal for a snack.

Sometimes I will snack on a lean burger patty or chicken thigh-meat piece, each of which is about 70 cal.

By himself, Sergey often would (and still does) fill a large bowl full of small quartered tomatoes mixed with pepper, oil, and onion. He can put away two of these tomato salads a day as “snacks.” He says they’re very filling, good for you, and low-cal. He’s leaning more on bowls of baby carrots and sugar snap peas these days. Sometimes he will make a large bowl of Golden Apple slices to chow down on.

I keep NO ice cream in the house. I may get a larger quantity for a birthday celebratory binge, or use individual containers as a reward system, but I never “stock up” on ice cream. Birthday? Maybe 4 of the personal containers of various flavors, and that’s it for my birthday treat. Reward system? Once I get to a certain weight, I allow myself to have one small personal container of ice cream (or my other favorite, a jar of honey pecans) a week. The incentive to get to a certain weight balances out the slow-down on the weight loss the treat causes, because this can’t be all about deprivation or I couldn’t sustain it. Being able to sustain a way of eating into a lifestyle is a huge deal.

I keep dried cranberries in the cabinet. Sometimes if I’m hungry and need to hold out, I’ll grab one handful of those to eat. I keep larger quantities of oatmeal too, but I’m not sure if that’s working against me or not, because I dump high quantities of honey in to bring it up to my sweet tooth standards so it might end up being a bad thing for me. I haven’t sat down to figure that out yet.

I make a mean chunky cinnamon applesauce that is a delicious and pretty healthy snack, too, when I have the energy to make it.

I would like to make sweets all the ding dong day, but it works against us, so I have to reserve my sweets making for when there’s a large group to share them with. Otherwise we would eat all of that ourselves.

Tools that help

Making your own food at home becomes a lot more enjoyable and feasible for low-energy people like us when there are tools that cut back on the effort it takes. To that end

A good 6 qt pressure cooker does everything a crockpot does, but it has more options and is faster.

A good food processor can do almost anything, from applesauce to milling oats to slicing veggies to finely dicing the onions you don’t want to deal with, to making ice cream out of frozen bananas and cocoa powder. We have an older one and it still does wonders, even though some of the latches don’t work right.

A good indoor grill machine.

Electric mixer/beater. The effort of making cookies goes down by a third to a half the personal energy cost when you use this, plus the process goes faster and the texture is so much better.

A dishwasher. A good dishwasher means you aren’t spending a ton of energy cleaning up all the dishes you soiled just making food. Did you know there are portable dishwashers that hook up to your sink if you don’t have one in the home? I just learned this...

This one heavily depends on how much you’d use it, but it can be very inexpensive to get an electric citrus juicer. I can go through about 40 lemons for a party-sized quantity of lemonade and it wracks out my wrist to do that manually, so I got a good one for about $20.

This website is one Sergey uses to see what products are legitimately good, because Amazon is starting to have major issues with fake reviews PLUS Chinese knock-offs getting passed off as the good product. This site user-tests a ton of different brands of the same product and tells you which one they found to be best and why, then gives a few runners up in other categories like price or different type. I used this to find a good set of salt/pepper grinders, a good knife sharpener, and an individual serving coffee maker. I also found my electric mixer and citrus juicer on here.

Also, pickling things is fun and very cheap and easy.

A few radical things

This is our lifestyle, not a diet. We go crazy with our eating when we’re on a trip, but normal, everyday eating is the one-meal-a-day plan for us. Going to a friend’s place for a meal is a balancing act that we often fail (because it’s often all-you-can-eat), but we’re already brainstorming ways to compensate.

Here’s for something radical sounding, to be handled with care. While Sergey aims for around 1300 calories a day, approximately, I aim for under or close to 800. I’ve found that if I eat the same things as him, I maintain my current weight but do not lose any. It’s when I, the smaller and less active person, undershoot him, that I start gaining ground. When I reach the weight I’m aiming for, I will allow myself more leeway to get to his calorie intake level, because that’s “maintenance” level for me.

Here’s the current thing we are testing, so the results are not in yet. We’re doing this because neither of us has been able to budge our weight for a while. It’s a combination of factors so track with me. We like a place called Star Cinema Grill which is a movie theater that serves you a meal and/or drinks while you watch the movie. But even for one meal this is a very high calorie day if we go there. We swore off going for a long time, until their marketing department sent out a wave of “Two free tickets!” in the mail. Sergey figured that he would go, and then he would not eat for 48 hours to make up for it. I was a little concerned by the idea, but after thinking it over for a while (with the concern about eating disorders in mind) it didn’t actually seem that unreasonable. So I joined him in this. So now we’ve worked out that we can go to Star Cinema Grill on occasion as long as it’s followed by a 48 hour fast.

We had previously tried 48 hour fasts (which consist of, for example, eating lunch around noon on Sunday and stopping food until lunch on Tuesday, so that you sleep through much of the 48 hour period) but we first did the fast on ONLY water. By the second day we were both so lethargic and unfocused that we could hardly function. This time we allowed ourselves to have several rounds of tea or mocha throughout the day. That time, we experienced very negligible energy drops and made it through the period of no-eating with a lot less suffering.

NOW. I was reading Freakonomics by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner, the expanded and revised edition, and at the end they included several articles they had written as bonus material. Please read this article to understand where I’m going next.

Excited, I rushed over to Sergey to make him read this bit. This is already sort of what we had been doing. Though this guy had distilled it down to sugar water, tea with a cube of sugar isn’t much different. My mocha had about three times the sugar, but was still on the very low end of calories for a day. So this idea (that sugar-water helps trick your body past hunger) was being confirmed for us by someone else. So we’ve decided to test out doing this 48-hour fast once a week, which may also allow for re-inclusion of things we tend to forgo more often (like weekly ice cream? Or a fresh batch of cookies?). Stay tuned...

Going out

We built a list of places and categories of how good or bad they are for us to go to. We divided them into Healthy and Healthy Cheat. Bad ones don’t make it on the list so we’re not tempted when we’re thinking of where to go out.

Healthy Restaurants are places where, if you’re reasonable with your choices, you can eat pretty much any one meal on their menu. (Lemon Shark is our Poke place in the area. Poke is unreasonably good and healthy and filling for you, and most will have vegetarian or cooked options on the menu if you don’t like raw fish. Jinya is a ramen place, though you have to be a little more selective about because some dishes are two meals’ worth, and Sweet Tomatoes is a salad bar also known as Souplantation in some regions)

Healthy Cheat Restaurants are places where we know we’ll probably eat more than we should, but the food is still relatively healthy. Tokyo Grill and Dimassi’s are both buffet places with relatively healthy options near us. Fukuda Sushi is our sushi go-to for now (though we’re looking to replace it as the fish quality went down).

Avoid most all-you-can-eat places like the plague, unless it’s a salad bar. Even then, if you gravitate toward the breads and creamy soups like I do, just say no.

Places we love that are also pretty bad for us on any kind of regular basis: Rudy’s BBQ, Star Cinema Grill, Wine Tasting Room (large meat and cheese platters), anywhere Italian.

Being Active

We took up Krav Maga, which had us doing off and on rigorous exercise for an hour twice a week. That went on for about a year. After I broke my toe, we switched to a home exercise regimen.

Instead of home exercise equipment, we opted for DDR pads, and have been doing hour-long DDR sessions most mornings. After an hour long workout (25 songs on easy-to-medium levels) we each do 20 crunches and then Sergey does extra burpees or push-ups. As the crunches get easier for me, I will be adding five at a time. I’m up to 30 now. Crunches were initially added to help me maintain the muscles that hold up a weak place in my spine, however now it’s also a good end-workout routine. I cannot get through all this without frequent water breaks because I drip sweat, and Sergey turns into a waterfall.

Sergey has added about 3-5 extra mini-workouts (a set of pushups or burpees) sprinkled throughout the day.

Some days we go to a park in the morning and walk for 30-50 minutes instead of DDR. It’s less strenuous, but a nice change of pace and scenery.

Some days we go kayaking in a nearby waterway, which REALLY works the arm muscles that day, but it’s a fantastic workout. We keep saying we need to go more often, but often forget.

Failing

It’s going to happen. It’s going to feel miserable. Sometimes I have found myself up at three AM, unable to sleep, making myself another whole frozen pizza or eating all the spaghetti leftovers. Sometimes I can talk myself into something slightly better, like a bowl of oatmeal, but not often. Sometimes I’ll just mix white and brown sugar, butter, and raw oatmeal and eat this lump-of-barely-cookie-dough as is. Sometimes I come home from the grocery store with an entire round loaf of bakery bread and eat it, much to Sergey’s fascination and surprise. One time I scooped one out and filled it with clam chowder and ate my own homemade bread bowl. It was great. It was also way over my limit.

Sometimes “failing” is known and expected, like around the holidays or birthdays. It’s okay to celebrate. Food is a very social and emotional experience as well as a sustenance deal. Keep picking yourself back up and trying again.

Sergey, who is SUPER good at distilling core concepts, adds his own TLDR:

On Losing Weight

Dusty and I have both struggled with overeating. For me, there have been sad times when plowing through a huge meal may have been the happiest 20 minutes of my day, and it’s no surprise that I would resist any attempts to eliminate that. However, I’ve found that losing weight and getting healthier leads to better moods and reduces the frequency and severity of impulses to binge.

Whatever you do must be incorporated into your lifestyle—if you are “going on a diet,” then you are setting yourself up to fail. If certain behaviors become part of your ordinary day, and you maintain that for months at a time, it’s much more likely that you’ll be able to keep going.

The most important change I’ve made is limiting myself to 1 meal a day. After a short adjustment period, I feel only a little bit hungrier than I did with 2 meals a day while consuming half the calories. That meal should be a reasonably-sized meal (typically 800-1200 calories for men, 600-900 for women), not an extra-large one. If I get hungry again, I only allow myself some very low-calorie snacks like carrots, sugar snap peas, or tomatoes.

The second thing I did was institute a daily exercise program. Dusty and I start each morning with an hour of DDR when we can, and I stop what I’m doing every 3-5 hours to do a set of 20 burpees. As I gain strength, I plan to increase this number. We also go for walks or go kayaking when the weather and our moods allow. What’s most important is that you do something to get your heart racing and get sweaty, and that you do it every day.

The last thing I did was institute occasional 48-hour fasts. For example, I would have lunch on Monday and not eat again until lunch on Wednesday. If I have tea with light sugar during a fast, I only feel moderately hungrier than I would otherwise. It’s much more tolerable than I thought it would be. There is considerable research suggesting that intermittent fasting is good for you, and it can be a reasonable way to offset the binge you couldn’t resist having. It’s definitely a healthier approach than purging, which hurts both your body and your soul.

[wahbegan]

The Scary Asylum Trope (From Somebody Who’s Been Committed)

I can’t help but feel that the very loud and righteous voices of people with the best of intentions....who also have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about often overshadow those with a more nuanced and realistic view of the world because they’ve been through the shit. Especially on this site. In the real world, of course, both are drowned out by the man who both has bad intentions AND no idea what he’s talking about, but either way, the fact remains: people with first-hand experience of the ugliness of society saying shit nobody wants to hear, especially shit that makes the world a bit more morally grey and a bit more frightening than anyone would like to deal with are never listened to. 

 Although it’s often overlooked, I think we can all agree that the mentally ill and substance-addicted are among the most cast-off and overlooked members of society. Junkheads and crazies are already struggling to survive and nobody wants to give them a job, get too close to them, give them money, have them wandering the streets or coming into their businesses. Unlike other forms of oppression, one of the most insidious things about this is it’s opposed by almost nobody. “Don’t give that guy money, he’s a crackhead”, “stay away from that bum, she’s not right in the head, she’s dangerous”, “we can’t give you a job because of your history with substance abuse”, none of these statements are remotely controversial with the vast majority of people. A lot of people get angry when you say they should be or even suggest the mentally ill (not disabled, mind you, just ill) or addicted are even oppressed by society at all. Addicts, particularly. The general consensus is they ARE dangerous, they DO do illegal shit, they ARE unpredictable and unable to work reliably or have an interpersonal relationship with you, and most importantly...they brought this on themselves. This, of course, brings us to that great garbage bin of society’s dregs, the mental hospital.

Okay, so a bit of background. In Senior Year of college, I was alcoholic, cartoonishly depressed, and trying to deal with vague, unspecified shit that may have been trauma or a personality disorder or something I do not know, all I have ever been officially been diagnosed with is depression, but that doesn’t cover everything. I don’t know to this day exactly what’s wrong with me and I’ve gotten too old and used to it to really care enough to speculate. But long story short, one night I got too mouthy about a suicide attempt as I often do...to be honest, I think my crippling fear of the oblivion i believe follows death tends to manifest as loudly telegraphing my intentions to commit so that I have a chance to wake up even if I don’t chicken out at the last second...but anyway. My friend Vanessa came by my door and helped me down out of the home-made belt noose in my closet, and the cops were called. Cue being taken away in a cop car in handcuffs and 96 hours in a mental hospital without ANYONE believing any of my attempts to defend myself or even being put before a judge how’s that for due process ladies and gentlemen?

I won’t say what hospital I was in due to all the horrible shit I’m about to say about its character, but I WILL say when i first got there, many a joke was made about a then very topical certain someone who was known as a whistleblower and/or traitor depending on where you fall on the political spectrum who leaked a bunch of CIA and NSA shit. Oh, yeah, completely unrelated, did I mention I went to the University of Mary Washington in Fredericksburg, VA? Just a fun tidbit.

Anyway, I know this is slow in getting to the point, so let’s cut to the meat of the thing. From Outlast (the good one), to Arkham Asylum, to Silence of the Lambs, Session 9, Halloween, to House on Haunted Hill (the bad but enjoyable one), to that story some kid in grade school and/or your older sister wouldn’t shut the fuck up about that had an escaped mental patient who apparently the staff had deemed wise to give a pirate hook for a hand, the common consensus is: mental hospitals are fucking scary. More specifically, crazy people are fucking scary.

In recent years, as we’ve all grown a little more compassionate and people give the mentally ill at least a few months or years before they decide your shit is too much for them to deal with and throw you out like a leper, there’s been very strong pushback against this. Particularly on places like tumblr and other random blogs and op eds around the internet. It’s easy to see why. Dehumanizing the mentally ill is not only offensive to people who CAN actually generally understand and remember what you say about us, thank you very much, it’s just lazy. People like Michael Myers (no not that one the scary one) and Joker, who would NEVER see the inside of a hospital due to their clear intelligence and control over their actions, are thrown in an asylum as a cheap plot device, and classifying a character as crazy lets you ignore pesky little things like “character motivation” and “consistent characterization in general, fuckwit”. People may even praise your character for lacking those things if they’re cuh-RAZY enough. Again, Michael Myers (still not that one) and Joker.

I’m a huge fan of the pushback against the escaped mental patient with a hook trope. Having been a mental patient myself, I can assure you that almost all ANYONE wants to break out of that shit hole to do is get some good fucking food, sleep in a real bed, and pork their significant other. Mr. Pirate Hook, in a realistic version of that story, may have jumped the teen lovers for their car just to drive it to the liquor store and then his girlfriend’s house.

The problem is, and this is the main point of this giant fucking essay, that there is now also considerable related pushback against asylums being scary places. Ironically enough, this is coming not mainly from certifiable and dangerous-to-themselves-or-others type people. This pushback is coming from very well-meaning young adults with anxiety disorders and/or depressive episodes who are very sweet and god bless them I just know for a fact have never EVER seen the inside of one of these fucking places. It is coming from people who don’t want asylums to be seen as scary places because they want the mentally ill to want to go to them. To help them, ostensibly, but a tiny little cynical “fuck everyone” part of me thinks it’s more like to sweep their mess into someone else’s room so they don’t have to fucking handle it.

Now, before I continue, let me stress that the place I was in was a bit renowned for being a terrible shit hole. I’m sure my experience would have been a lot nicer at a suburban 50k a day mansion rehab for celebrities in the hills of Los Angeles. You don’t condemn all hotels in the world because of one particularly traumatic stay at the bumblefuck nowhere clown motel next to the old graveyard (yes that is a real thing), right? And unlike hotels, there’s no such thing as an asylum critic. A lot of people do NEED to be hospitalized for safety, and a lot of people DO, through one method or another, find themselves better off by the end of their stay. And I’m sure the go-to solution for any and all of life’s problems isn’t “tranq them in the ass and throw them in an isolation room” in EVERY hospital. But I get a sneaking suspicion it’s most of them. With that disclaimer out of the way, let’s continue.

Mental hospitals are the most terrifying fucking places in the world. Every time one of my well-meaning friends who’s never been committed says they think a brief hospital stint would do me good, I want to throw a blender at their fucking head. Every one of your relatively well-adjusted but probably on an anti-depressant or anxiety meds guidance counselor and social workers friends will list their good qualities until they’re blue in the face and tell you it’s not at all like the movies and there’s nothing to be scared of. It’s not like the movies, most of the time. Not exactly. But that resort and bond with people who have been through the same thing as you and time to work on yourself and group therapy and art class pitch they sell you on? Yeah, it’s bullshit.

Let’s continue with my story. When I was brought in from the main hospital, they first sent me to acute. I’ve been to county jail, and I’ve been to the acute treatment (read: high risk/high security) wing in an asylum, and I would pick county. Every fucking time. Bless her heart, my patient and long-suffering girlfriend at the time, who had been by my side for the whole process, was sitting next to me and holding my hand as they did the intake survey. They were at least compassionate enough or smart enough to know I would be a lot more placid and manageable with her around to let her stay for the intake process. Outside, the hallway was dark, one guy was on a prison-style wall-mounted phone, some dudes were playing cards, a woman was wandering up and down the hallway....and up and down and up and down and up and down the hallway. And from somewhere, someone was screaming. Not words. Just...screaming. Nobody seemed to do anything about it, see what she was screaming about. I don’t know if it was agony, misery, or fury. Maybe some combination of the three. On and on and on, with breaks seemingly only to get her breath back. I was in the acceptance stage at this point, and was busy shutting down emotional channels one by one and going into survival mode, steeling myself for my stay, but my girlfriend at the time...she looked terrified and broken-hearted. The thought of her leaving a loved one in this windowless pit (this wing, you see, was underground) destroyed her. I could tell. It would me, if I were in her situation. It is a traumatizing situation to be in. There’s no way out, nobody believes anything you say unless you tell them the worst, you can see that woman out in the hall passing back and forth and back in forth in the door window, and someone is screaming like she’s in Hell. Maybe she was.

The screaming was when I first realized an ugly truth and my morals were shaken into a grey zone: people who are mentally ill can be pretty fucking scary. Even if they’re harmless. I never saw that woman or found out why she was screaming. But in that moment, I desperately feared her and hoped I would never find out. It’s easy now for me to look back on her with compassion and pity and feel ashamed for my reaction, wish I could have helped her, but then...I was already in a fragile place. She scared me. And this leads to the next conclusion, even worse. You scare other people, and maybe it’s understandable that they’re scared. 

I deeply repress my anger. I have never in my life been violent or had the urge to be, and I don’t plan on changing that. But my anger is repressed. It can take a lot of battering before it shows itself...but when it comes out, it’s in a sudden, explosive, deep-throat scream worthy of a jump scare in a horror movie showing a protagonist is losing his mind and can’t be trusted any more. I usually only get about half a sentence out in this way before I scare myself, my eyes go wide with horror, I clap my hands over my mouth and run out of the room crying. But by then it’s too late. I got so drunk so often I forgot huge chunks of my past and have no idea what I said or did. I emotionally wounded people. I acted unpredictably. I asked to borrow a friend’s cigarette while she was DRIVING, and casually, with no warning, ground it out on my arm. My girlfriend often found me passed out through booze or asphyxiation or covered in blood. Crazy is undeniably scarier to live with than it is to witness, and I often get frustrated when it feels like people don’t remember or fully understand that. But...that doesn’t mean witnessing it isn’t fucking horrible. People were being perfectly rational to be afraid around me. Never afraid OF me, everyone who knows me knows of my physically gentle nature (with others) and desperate desire to be a good person. But they were afraid: afraid of my behavior when I wasn’t in control, of what reckless and insane shit I might do to self-destruct and/or inadvertently hurt people around me.

Thankfully, my intake survey and a nurse who noticed my relatively normal behavior both indicated I should be in the (above-ground!) high-functioning wing, so I was quickly moved there. I never figured out who that scream belonged to. But even in high-functioning...it wasn’t much reprieve. A woman shit the bed, a man fresh out of acute regaled us with stories of getting tranqed and thrown in isolation because he had barricaded himself in his room with all his furniture and berated the orderlies as they tried to force their way in about “you should really bolt the furniture down it’s a safety risk I could be killing myself in here” because he was bored. My only friend in the wing, who I really did like quite a lot and still do even though we fell out of touch, had a roommate who was always acting like she was just on the edge of doing something fucking stupid. Once, her husband smuggled her a shaving razor, which she whipped out in front of my friend, waving it around and threatening to kill herself. When my friend alerted the orderlies, this woman put it (IN ITS CASE I always feel I should clarify) up her pussy to hide it and feigned ignorance, resulting in my friend going to isolation. No tranq though. This was the high-functioning unit, after all.

Your one-on-ones with the psychiatrist were roughly 3-5 minutes in length and consisted of medication questions and asking if you were literally going to beat your head against a wall until you died in the next 15 minutes, otherwise talk about it in group. The more you insisted to this man that you were fine and shouldn’t be here and inquired about the legal status of your incarceration and when you could be released, the worse he thought you were. 

There were times to gather and talk about feelings. There was art. Some people were very good at it. Visiting hours. But most of the time was just...sitting. Sitting, bored out of your god damned skull, so bored you might just barricade your room with all of its furniture and laugh and laugh and laugh as the orderlies try to force their way in. The patient man doesn’t need to inflict physical torture to break someone. Isolation and boredom do things to the human mind, maybe sooner, maybe later, but...up there, I said hospitals make a lot of people better. They also make a lot of people worse. Then they have to stay for longer. When they’re finally released, they don’t remember how to live in the normal world and soon end up back inside. 

Just like prison. Make no mistake, the asylum is a prison. A prison where nobody believes a god damned word that comes out of your mouth. A prison for people nobody wants to deal with. A prison where they stick you with people whose crazy does NOT fuck with your crazy and you start to think maybe people are right for not wanting to deal with you after all. That’s the worst part of negative emotional reactions to symptoms of mental illness. How god damned much they remind you of yourself. The trauma I mentioned off-hand up there was that my ex from High School may or may not have abused me it’s complicated and fuzzy i don’t remember it’s not important. What is important is a new girl came in once who casually admitted to abusing her boyfriend. I backed away slowly and retreated into a private room, where my one friend had to comfort me. Later, the class clown, Mr. Barricade Tranq-in-the-Ass, made a rape joke in front of her. A rape survivor.

Everyone’s mind breaks in very similar ways, but for very different reasons and with just different enough symptoms and fears and psychotic hatreds that there WILL be people in your unit you fucking hate, whose crazy and yours grind on each other’s gears. There will be people you are afraid of, people you’re stupidly attached to for no reason other than they’re there and nice to you.

Throwing all these people in a hole and throwing away the key does not create an environment conducive to anyone’s mental health. Then, of course, there’s the treatment. Yes, like I said, if you’re willing to petition like 5 people about it and constantly remind them, you may get some good one-on-one time. You may get some good nuggets out of group therapy. You might make nice art. Mostly, though, they cut you off from the outside world and take you away from everything you love and put you with a bunch of potentially terrifying strangers and just fucking leave ya there. To rot. 

The problem with mental hospitals is the problem they’ve always had. No, obviously nobody’s head is in a cage and they don’t electrocute and lobotomize you, but the theory is the same. They want you to stop being crazy. But first, and foremost, they want to keep you there and keep you under control. That is the primary goal. Not treatment. Keeping you there and controlled. I suppose if you consider the history of asylums it’s quite humane, but I wasn’t joking up there about the tranqs in the ass.Everything from death threats to trying to pork another patient to getting too lippy with a nurse is treated with the tried and true ass-tranq isolation room. How long will you be in there? Who knows!! Until they remember they put you in there and/or the shit that you’ve smeared on the walls starts to smell. 

And all of this leads to the most horrible conclusion of all, the kind that makes people truly lose their minds if they think about it too long in that Lovecraftian/Poe kind of way where your hair turns white: maybe there is no right way to handle mentally ill people, and if there is, we sure as fuck haven’t found it yet.

The mentally ill are oppressed and deserve compassion. Love. Support. But we can also be terrifying to the mentally well, to each other, to ourselves...and forcing all of these people into a cage they don’t want to be in with strangers who they’re irritated with and scared of who are irritated and scared right back at them and leaving them in this weird, artificially constructed, regimented society until you deem them fit to leave is....ha. Well, it’s crazy!. And it is scary. And it can and often does make people worse. 

So please, don’t...don’t say mental hospitals shouldn’t be seen as scary or shouldn’t be used in horror. By all means, do it. But do it well. Look to Outlast. See, in Outlast, the set-up is very trite. Big asylum, patients escaped and massacred the staff. But you’re there on a tip that human rights abuses and clandestine experiments were being performed. Most of the inmates are doing vaguely unnerving shit but are harmless, just like a real hospital. Some are just fucking watching TV. And the game is never satisfied with “this guy’s crazy.” Walker, the ‘UGE FUCKIN GOI who everyone’s terrified of has awful PTSD and if you listen to his idle dialogue, is always muttering about containment protocol and stopping the spread of something. And by the end of the game, you realize he might not be as crazy as he seemed, and that the patients massacring the hospital staff was completely understandable and maaaybe even a little bit their own fucking fault. One guy, in an absolutely heart-wrenching and my absolute favorite part of the game, is just sitting broken in a burning kitchen talking about how this place took everything from them because nobody cares about a few abused or dead lunatics, so he’s gonna burn the whole fucking thing down.

You know what it basically comes down to? Most of the crazy people aren’t dangerous. Some are, but the ones that are have clear motivations. Crazy ones, but motivations. Almost like........ooohhh the point emerges REAL FUCKING PEOPLE! Make villains crazy. Well, all right to be honest, it wouldn’t hurt to slow down a bit on that, but I don’t want it to stop entirely. Depict asylums as the Hellish shit holes they are. But for God’s sake, just write mentally ill people like human beings. A human being you can’t understand isn’t the same thing as a non-human. Nobody does things for NO reason at all. If you’re writing a crazy villain, don’t make him evil because he’s crazy and the symptoms of his crazy are being evil; if you’re setting something in an asylum, make sure the horror doesn’t start and end with guys in straightjackets frothing at the mouth and screaming about how they want to fuck whoever’s walking past them in the aorta. 

I don’t want the truth about us, our condition, our capacity for harming those around us, or how fucked up it is how society treats us because it has no idea what the fuck it’s doing sanitized because it’s difficult to deal with and there are no clear good guys.

[jellybeanbeing]

Rereads I Ended Up Not Liking

I recently reread a lot of my old favorites and did not like a lot of them, unfortunately. Disclaimer: If you like these books, great. Keep loving them. They just didn’t work for me. I’m not trying to offend anyone. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Okay, on to the list.

1. The First Time She Drowned by Kerry Kletter -

This is the one that I’m the most sad about because it was one of my favorites just last year. When I read it again this year, I didn’t really enjoy myself while reading. It’s kind of understandable because of the subject matter that is in this book, but honestly, it was just a story I couldn’t fully engage in anymore. I found many characters to be irritable and it made reading this not enjoyable. I still find the writing to be beautiful and poetic, and the storyline to be as equally as heartbreaking as I had first read it. *TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNING FOR SEXUAL ASSUALT/ABUSE*

2. Shuffle, Repeat by Jen Klein -

This was one of my favorite romantic YA contemporary a few years back. I thought it was the cutest thing ever. Rereading it, I still think it’s really cute and I’m always on board with the hate to friends to lovers trope sooo. Anyways, the reason why I didn’t like it this time around was because the ending was so messy and some things were unnecessary. I didn’t really like the main character, June. She was just so mean and judgmental. There was this whole thing with June and her dad, and I honestly thought it could’ve done without it because it wasn’t really a big problem to the character or made her “develop.” I will say though, Oliver Flagg, I love him. He was just the best thing in this book.

3. Leftovers by Heather Waldorf -

I read this in middle school and really liked it. I was itching to reread it again and finally got my hands on a copy. Turns out, it’s not a book I really like anymore. I think it’s mostly because the book is so short. It’s a little less than 300 pages, and fitting in a whole story that needs a lot of things for it is hard. I did feel like there could’ve been more, and other things and characters that could’ve been delved into more. The pacing too, felt a little bit too fast for me. The love interest is kind of an asshole. I remember him being the sweetest thing ever, but what the hell was I thinking? I mean, he’s not that bad, but he just says things that make me so angry. *TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNING FOR SEXUAL ASSUALT*

4. Please Ignore Vera Dietz by A.S King - 

I loved this book in middle school, and that was probably because it was so different from the books that I was reading at the time. Rereading it again, I can see why I liked it and why others would too, but it just ain’t it for me. I enjoyed it, but not as much as when I first read it. This is the oddball in this list because I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t like it. I found the book to be a bit bland for me. I didn’t necessarily love any characters, really. It is a very atmospheric and melancholic book. I cried the second time around when I read the ending so there is that.

5. All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven -

I read this when I was in middle school, and this was a time when I didn’t really understand mental health or anything of that subject. I read it and I loved it for probably all the wrong reasons. I reread it again a year ago for my health class because we were learning about mental health issues and it was alarming at how much I looked over when I first read it. I found parts of it to be very problematic and the romance to be very cringy. I know a lot of people can identify with this book and absolutely love it, and I don’t wanna take that away from anyone. If you loved it, that’s great. It just was not it for me.

6. The Start of Me and You by Emery Lord -

Now we get into DNF territory, even though I only have two books for you. You have no idea how disappointed I am that I didn’t like this book this time around. This was my absolute favorite romantic YA contemporary in middle school. I thought it was so cute, so sweet, and just amazing. BRO, I DNF’d this book around the first chapter. I was cringing so hard already, and I was not going to do that to myself, putting myself through that cringe-fest. The dialogue was already not my favorite, and then the characters were not even characters to me but more just tropes with names.

7. When We Collided by Emery Lord -

Again, I’m so sad that I didn’t like this book a second time. I will say though, it’s a bit better than The Start of Me and You, but not by that much. I got farther into the book, like halfway, but I couldn’t do it anymore. Everything was just so cringy. Vivi is your typical MPDG with a disorder. She’s not my favorite, but I don’t hate her. Jonah was meh. Not memorable for me. The thing about Emery Lord’s teenage characters is that they don’t feel or act like teenagers, and that bugs me a lot. This goes for The Start of Me and You as well. 

[parkminijiminie]

Opinion on Taekook shippers tagging Jikook in their posts or commenting on Jikook vids?

Hey, Anon.

Boii, do I have thoughts on this.

Disclaimer: I know it’s not just t/k shippers that do this. I know this is a problem of shipping in general. But since I am a Jimin and KM supporter and blog I’m exposed to the problematic t/k behaviour a lot more. I’m aware Jikook shippers are not angels as well.

Now onto it:

I understand if it’s just curiosity that drives people to go into other tags and videos. Firstly because to be curious is human nature and secondly because it’s nice to be well informed. I too look into the others tags because 1. I genuinely enjoy every pair’s interactions and 2. I think you can’t have an objective and well-informed opinion of you only have half the picture. What I don’t get is why must people leave comments or engage in arguments under content that is clearly not meant for them. If you’re driven by curiosity to check the other ship’s tag - by all means do that, but if you can’t stay civil and get triggered easily, then why don’t you simply stay in your own tag? No-one, neither you nor other people, needs extra negagivity in their lives.

What I most certainly will never ever get or approve of is intentionally trying to irritate other people by tagging their ship or sending disrespectful and insulting asks to their blogs. Like, what do you get from that?

Is it because you get pleasure from irritating other people because that’s honestly awful. I hope you’re not like that in real life because that type of behaviour is extremely off putting and leads you nowhere in life.

If it’s for attention, then I don’t get it either. Do you really need that type of negative reaction (because nothing positive ever happens when people act like this)? Do you feel more important or accomplished when people get angry at you? Cause you know, there are a lot of more productive things you could be doing with your time, like reading a book for example. Some good suggestions being “Personality disorders. How to behave as a normal human being”; “Not being an asshole on the internet - a guide on how not to take out your own problems on other people” or my personal fave “Shipping is a source of fun for a lot of people. Stop ruining their enjoyment”.

Maybe by always engaging, you’re trying to make people switch ships. If that’s the case, there’re a lot more effective ways for persuasion, for example providing objective and well based opinions, moments, analyses and so on. And even then people will think what they want to think and it’s not right to try and shove your own believes down the throat of someone who hasn’t asked for it. You won’t convince anyone by shouting “t*eKoOk is rEal” or “jIkOok is ReAl” everywhere. You’re only going to put off people from the ship even more.

Not to mention these constant ship wars are creating bad name for the fandom and therefore the band, whose face we (unfortunately) are. So much attention is always cast on ARMYs when people are talking about BTS. Like it or not, we’re representing them. Do we really want to look like a bunch of teenage girls who have nothing else better to do than to scream at each other?

Furthermore this type of behaviour can actually turn people away from being a part of the fandom and ultimately directly harm BTS. I don’t know about you but I didn’t become a fan just to potentially ruin everything the members have worked hard on for years.

Maybe the search for validation is what make some people act this way. They desire the satisfaction of hearing from the other ship that “Yes. Your ship is the real one”. If it will honestly make them give up, I’ll put a banner saying “T*ekook is real !!!” on Time Square because ultimately that changes nothing. Even if tomorrow all KM shippers switch lanes to other ships, it still won’t make the possibility of these ships being real any bigger. People love who they love and we have no control over that. Half the world can ship a pair and it still won’t make them be together if they themselves don’t want to be.

With all of that being said I can’t help but ask:

Why are you purposefully making enemies of other ARMYs? Are we not in the same fandom? Do we not have the same goal in mind, which, just to remind you, is to support the group professionally and personally by appreciating their music? Why are you creating division when we can all be enjoying BTS peacefully?

I guess some people just want to watch the world burn. They have the mentality of 5 year olds thinking “Matches are so fun!!!”. Let’s hope this part of the fandom doesn’t burn the house down and with it BTS.

[binsue]

"The unseen story of Doraemon"

I have seen countless episodes of Doraemon and it never fails to entertain me through my childhood, and if you ask me what the darkest part of Doraemon is, I would probably guess that it's just Gian's horrendous cooking. While Nobita is quite a character in Doraemon, sloppy and most oftenly comes to school late, Doraemon is his best friend especially since he helps Nobita on anything making his life very much enjoyable to watch.

Aside from his school life, every day of his time with Doraemon was an adventure, a trip to the Dinosaur's era, to the Gadget museum where they set their eyes on an artificial star trapped inside a four dimensional space, many hurdles and many heartwarming episodes made up my childhood watching my favorite show. Every episode and movie of Doraemon was my happiness, and it's saddening to see that also the same show is as if on hiatus with no new episode since the original author died not very long after Doraemon was drawn. And to hear rumors about the author ostensibly sourcing the inspiration of Doraemon on a dark footing.

Discovering the story before all these smiles and happy vibes that it brings us, Doraemon is a real best friend of someone yet it became the grim shadow. A 9 year old young boy named Nobita Hiroshi, seemingly healthy and happy like all the countless kids are, has a hidden secret. Suffering from a disease named Schizophrenia; a delusional disorder made the impossible possible in his sight and his illusions felt so real that he refuses to believe that Doraemon is all a lie, one that was given birth by his disease, Doraemon was his first and only friend thus Nobita became fairly dependent on his imaginary friend, and due to this intensive interaction with his imaginary friend, his classmates felt estranged and he became alienated in school, misunderstandings happen whenever he talks by himself and everyone considers him a creepy delusional, when Nobita was at his darkest moment his parents took him to the doctor that diagnosed him with the disorder, and said the undeniable truth which led to his grim. The doctor has told the truth about Doraemon. He was devastated as his thoughts cleared up, he had lost his best friend. He took a bold step, he held his father's gun and shot himself in the head in front of the doctor.

Disclaimer: the story is derived from fiction

[daily-dose-of-naruto]

This is more of a personal request since I'm struggling really hard at the moment. Can I have a scenario of Sasuke finding out his S/O is recovering from an eating disorder? ( preferably anorexia, with some purging ) if not its okay. If you dont want it on your blog but are comfortable writing this could you send it to me? Thank you ;w;

Now, everybody, you are going to witness one of the long, long, long reflexions Admin Night writes.

This request was sent when the ask box is closed. However, I contacted Admin Shadow and asked her if I could do it. Usually, we tend to forget laws are made to protect us, and that means that, sometimes, the right thing to do is to bend the rules. I know this feels like a weak excuse. But I the truth is I care about you: even if we aren’t very active, all the admins discuss what can we do to make the experience of this blog more enjoyable. We care about you and we care about your problems. If using a bit of my time to write a scenario will make you feel a tiny bit feel better, I will.

Now, the topic of this scenario is difficult. As a first disclaimer, I don’t have an ED. But, I do have had problems with my mental health, and one of the things that helped me the most was fanfiction. I loved reading headcanons, scenarios, fics and all that kind of writings about my disorder, it made feel I belonged to something. Just for that, I wrote this. I tried to make a good research, and to write about the topic in the better way possible. But, as always, if someone feels uncomfortable, they can contact me.

Also,  always remember: you are worthy, you are beautiful, you deserve being here, right now. You are not your bad thoughts, you are not your illness: you can win the war, and the best strategy is loving everything you are. Never beat yourself if recovery doesn’t go smooth, it happens. But you will make it. You are strong and you will make it.

As a final note: this is an AU.

Trigger warnings: Food mention, eating disorders, anorexia, purging.

~Admin Night

[Ten Steps] Sasuke finding out his S/O is recovering from an eating disorder

I

You realized it was an illness that afternoon.  The sky was already turning red, myriads of colors traveled across it: orange and yellow and even a bit of purple splashed it like paint, the clouds soaking in the colors with their cotton-like texture. Red strawberry licorice. Orange cheddar. Yellow fries.  Purple cake icing. You were sitting on the bus-stop, recounting both the conversations of the day and how many numbers you had eaten. It was cold; your skin seemed to shrink with every molecule of air, even with the heavy coat you wore. Your fingers drummed against the metallic seat, how much more you had to wait? Your stomach hurt — your mind always fought between the pain and the sensation of control it produced—, but you ignored it and drank a large gulp of water. Chocolate cake and buttery popcorn.

Today Sasuke had kissed you. His lips were warm and slightly chapped. His hands were feathery. You had closed your eyes and smiled and shivered. But instead of enjoying the way his hair tingled against your forehead, you were thinking about it. Greasy pizza and ramen. You were proud he had kissed you because that meant you were actually beautiful —beautifully thin— and that meant you finally had gotten control over your body.

The sky got darker. Now, there was more than a smidge of purple. Grape Soda. The sun was setting. You heard the bus finally approaching, his motor diluted in the many cars that transited that street. Sugary lemonade, anko, vanilla ice-cream. Today, you weren’t going to eat more, the salad you had eaten with Sasuke was enough.

You stood up slowly. But this time, that didn’t stop the trembling of your knees, or the sudden layer of white that blinded your eyes, or the feeling of death that crossed your head seconds before your hands grasped the floor. Ears buzzed, a high whistle breaking your eardrum. You couldn’t breathe. Air wasn’t in your lungs and an acrid taste was creeping up your throat. In a sudden act of determination you stood up and got on the bus; hands burning and eyes avoiding the driver.

This wasn’t the first time you got dizzy. Nevertheless, in the seat of the bus, observing both your new bruises and the old reddish skin of your knuckles, you felt alone, helpless, vulnerable. There wasn’t any control. You were dying. You were drowning.  

Then, you realized you wanted to breathe, you wanted to fight it.

II    

The meal was laughing at you, pointing its caloric fingers at your chest. Stomach closed, you weren’t hungry. And still, still, all that your mind could think of was creamy chocolate bathing dozen of cookies. If you ate, then grease would clog your veins, fat slowly accumulating under your skin.  But you had to eat; your body was disappearing, you were shrinking into nothingness, and you wanted to live. Or at least, a small part of you, trapped somewhere between your withered organs, did. You wanted to fight for that tiny part. But food meant calories, calories meant fat, fat meant ugly. Those horrible thoughts weren’t your thoughts.

Chest felt heavy. You moved every grain, categorizing them in size, as you had done so many times. You didn’t remember how you felt before this: how life felt before your hands ached, before the pains, before the black hole in the brain.  How did it feel when you were you? You turned your cell phone on. Three numbers greeted you, fifteen minutes had passed since you sat on the table. If you could eat… It was just rice, why were you afraid? If you just could eat. Automatically, your fingers did what you always did to stop with the panic: the app opened under your index command, a list of weights, days and calories appeared on the screen. As you read, those numbers you had already learned crossed your mind. Bowl of rice, 204 calories.  It was too much. You couldn’t eat. Too much. It meant fat. Fat was bad. They would hate you. Sasuke would. But you were going to die and you didn’t know if that was good or bad. You couldn’t eat. Your stomach was glued. But darkness was horrifying. Almost as horrifying as the sky made of strawberry licorice, cheddar, fries and cake icing. The sky that took the control out of you and that was sucking life out of your marrow.

With hands trembling, you let your finger pressing the icon of your inquisitor. Then, it was out of your life. Tears blurred your vision as you gripped to anything that could keep you sane, the light of the screen stabbed your pupils. You put the cell phone on the table and redirected your attention to the rice.

Just a bit. Even after you swallowed, you felt the food trapped in the throat. Maybe you were hurt, you thought while drinking small gulps of water. It was tiresome. You were going to sleep.

Suddenly, your phone rang. Sasuke had sent you a message.

I have a break but Naruto is a dumbass. Call you at night.

Even in the haziness, you smiled.

III

The first thing Sasuke noticed was how your eyes sparkled. How they acquired a sharp quality every time you were remembering or talking with him. He loved it. The day was bright, rays of sun painted patches of the world in a warmer color, clouds floated in a sky made of a surreal blue. Today, the air didn’t seem transparent; it was creamy, softening the acute edges of every object in the world.

“Today’s very hot.” You said. The statement was true, however, it was strange hearing you say that. You always wore wool sweaters and big, heavy jackets. Even in summer.

He feigned returning his attention to you —it was always on you, his eyes were perpetually piercing your soul, even when he hid his face behind a book—. Your long shirt was rolled up, hair tied in a bun, some drops of sweat sliding down your neck. The bottle of water you always carried was empty, resting against the trunk of the tree, as you two were.

“You are right,” He responded. Wind tossed his hair, some leafs flew in the current. “Do you want to eat something cold?”

Sasuke had seen you eat counted times. You maintained a rigid schedule that he didn’t want to disturb.  However, this was the only solution he could think of. You were already in the shadow; a big cherry tree was protecting you from the sun. There wasn’t a better place to stay in Konoha’s Park.

“We could buy something for the two.” You pronounced the words before your mind could process it. That something meant ice-cream, and as you realized what you had said, a small hole began to grow in your belly. You dreaded the colorful stall placed in the middle of the park. What if you couldn’t eat? And the sweet? It was bad.

“Okay.”

Sasuke didn’t like ice-cream, he preferred salty foods. Nevertheless, he wanted to make you happy, and taking into account your difficult relation with food, it was good you wanted something cold to eat.

And your mind screamed as both of you walked to the vendor. This was okay, it was recovery. You didn’t process what flavor was chosen, merely assenting to the man’s suggestion. Sasuke received the cone and paid. This was okay. After days of anxiety, you had managed to eat one full meal at the correct hour. This was recovery. Still, the pain in your stomach and the electricity in your hand, and your heart’s drumming resonating in your bones…

Suddenly, you became cold, all the sweaty, hot skin was replaced for shivering. But you allowed the creamy ice to touch your tongue, and it tasted nice, it felt nice on your palate. Sasuke did the same. And you did. And your stomach wasn’t totally closed.

At the end, you managed to eat half of the cone. It was an achievement, you mused.

IV

Nightmares continued seizing your skin.  Food. Food. Food. In them, everything was food. Rivers of chocolate that cascaded in marshmallow clouds; a sun made of corn; a boat drenched in the oily texture of pizza. And in those dreams, you ate it all. Now, they were scarce. As your body reabsorbed all the nutrients you had denied it, the reasons your brain had to reproduce such terrible fantasies were dimming; or at least, you imagined that.

Nevertheless, even if you only had them once or twice a week, they were enough to destroy your nerves. Always, you woke up feeling grease was seeping through your pores. It was all anxiety and pain. Now more than before, as you tried to stop the urge to poke your fingers in your mouth and puke all that imaginary calories that you had eaten.

You had always resisted. You were proud.

Every little advance made the heavy burden became lighter. Nothing made you happier than looking at your knuckles: now, they weren’t red and bruised. Hunger had returned to you, letting you feel a small tug at least once a day.  Sasuke looked so much less worried. You loved accompanying him in his walks, usually, he let you take his hand, and last time you saw a smirk on his face when he noticed you never stopped to rest.

After mentally recalling all those little victories, you aimed for another one. A dinner-date. The phone illuminated the blankets and the pillows. You wrote the message, hands still shaking from the nightmare. But you could control this.

Want to go out for dinner tomorrow?

He was probably awake, he stayed up after midnight writing reports. Still, your lungs turned heavy when you read his answer.

Yes. I’ll make time.

V

You feared the bloating. You hated it. Before you date with Sasuke, you rummaged all your closet, searching for something, anything, that didn’t show your grown belly. Maybe going back to it was better? With time, all your clothes would be too small, and then everybody would hate you. You chose that ample dress he liked so much, but now, it wasn’t that ample. You felt tired, air heavy and blood rushing through your veins.

Maybe it was too early for this? Still, you continued. Waiting, sighing. The taste of your saliva, his knocking.

Sasuke leaned in the frame of the front door, waiting for you to arrive. Your steps were a little shorter and slower than you would have wanted, you felt like walking to the gibbet. But you got to the door. You opened. He looked at you. Sasuke’s eyes always left the sensation of coal burning in the flames, always pierced to the deepest part of your flesh.  He wore one of his more formal shirts, which amazed you, taking into account how improvised your date was.

“You are beautiful.”

Those words were like a caress every time Sasuke said them, even if he had muttered them. You wished you had found them true, even just once.

The drive to the restaurant was slow. Sasuke’s expression rapidly became grim, somber; you fidgeted with your seat belt and looked through the window with an expression of profound fear in your features. You had never eaten a full dinner. Now, you were scared. And nervous, and anxious, and bloated.

“You were awake rather late yesterday.” His voice penetrated your panic.

This was the first time you had contacted him after a nightmare. He didn’t know anything. Although you knew he wasn’t stupid, you never tried to confess him the true.

“I had a nightmare. But everything is okay now.”

He hummed. That ended the conversation. Sasuke was annoyed at his inability to talk. Just a stare to your trembling hands and white face was enough to realize everything wasn’t okay.

The rest of the ride was a blur. How you entered the restaurant and whatever Sasuke had asked you in those lapses was also blurry. The only thing that appeared horrifyingly real was the menu in front of you. The menu that extended to the clash of glasses, the smell of meat, the dancing light of the candles, and the torturous music that spread from the speakers.

You had promised yourself you were going to choose whatever sounded more delicious, but every word in that booklet appeared to be a synonym of death.

“What are you going to ask?” You questioned Sasuke, ready to emulate his order.

You heard what he had chosen and repeated it in your mind like a chant. Then, you repeated it to the waiter, with your lips contorted in a fake smile.

“(Y/N), in there anything you want to tell me?”

Had he discovered it?

“What make you think that?” You answered, letting the façade you had used for so much resurface.

“You don’t like to eat outside.”

The giggle that left your mouth was thunderous. He sent you a questioning look that you overlooked while diverting the conversation.

The food came. You looked at it again and again and again. At some point, you heard Sasuke’s voice, is there something wrong? But you ignored it and smiled and took the first piece to your mouth and chewed and swallowed it — even when your throat was completely closed— and took another and chewed and swallowed and took a sip of wine. The drink was Sasuke’s idea, he was glad you were eating dinner together. And you ate and tried to answer his questions and smelled fish from the other side of the restaurant and chewed and swallowed and drank and smiled and let the music daze you and chewed and swallowed and tried to stop the acrid taste in your throat and ate and chewed and drank and-

You couldn’t breathe. The plate was empty. You looked at Sasuke, sitting at the other side of the table. You had a bloated stomach, why had you done this? Heart throbbing in your neck.

“Give me five minutes, I have to go to the restroom.”

You prayed the lack of composure didn’t show as you walked away from the table. Heart ached, head ached. Everything was hazy. You had eaten everything, too much. Your stomach was giant. You closed the door and sat on the floor, chin resting on the seat of the toilet.

After a final sigh, you entered your fingers into your mouth. Deeper and deeper, nausea, acid slowly rising from your stomach. Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. Vomit.

When your stomach finally emptied, you fell into despair. What had you done? Everything was going so well and now… now you were trapped in the beginning. You didn’t even think about cleaning your face or your mouth, instead, you just cried. Tears from the anxiety, tears from the shame, tears from the pain. Maybe you weren’t strong enough to do it…

Sasuke waited for you. Five minutes passed, and ten, and fifteen. He glanced at the restroom door every time the minute hand of his watch moved. At sixteen minutes he went to look for you. He knocked at the door, no answer, just this inaudible wailing he knew was yours. He didn’t have to force the door, you had forgotten to lock it.

And there, in that small room, surrounded by an acrid smell, staring at your eyes, Sasuke understood everything.

VI

Sasuke lifted you from the floor with shaking hands. With shaking hands he flushed the toilet. With shaking hands he cleaned your face and paid the bill and drove back to your home. He didn’t utter a word. How could he? He was so stupid, ignorant, negligent. Everything matched. It was so obvious and he had failed to protect you. And damn it, his hands had to stop shaking.

All that time, while you let him lead you, your mind intonated the same chant: he hates me. Hates me. Hates me. Hates me. Hates me. And why wouldn’t he, you also hated yourself. You had failed. It was too hard, you were going to shrink to death. Tears never stopped staining your cheeks. His hands held the wheel extremely hard, the knuckles were white. Your lungs were too busy choking for managing to utter any word.

He also led you to your house, taking the keys from your trembling hands and opening the door. The two entered. And, finally, you found yourself in your bed, Sasuke holding you in his arms, tight enough to relieve the tingling that pierced all your body. His body was still, extremely stiff, and he didn’t move until your breathing had become somewhat normal.

He didn’t ask for details. He only made one question.

“How can I help you?” The words were pronounced slowly, dragging the syllables, as if it was hard to speak. Almost at the end of the sentence, his voice broke slightly.

It was enough to make you cry again.

“I don’t know.”

His embrace tightened. Right hand combing through your hair, left hand drawing circles in your back. Trapped in his chest, you couldn’t see his eyes.

You told him everything, every word that left your mouth carried the acid taste of puke. But as the last confession left your mouth, you felt a heavy weight disappearing from your heart.

VII

“Is it time to eat?” You asked, answering your boyfriend’s phone call.

Sasuke had done it the last months. He called you for the three big meals of the day, asking about your day and your overall mood. Sometimes, he didn’t tell you to eat, instead, he stayed on the line listening to your ramblings.

You knew it wasn’t time to eat. The clock marked six, there were still two hours before dinner.

“It isn’t. You already know,” He stated, letting silence follow the sentence before continuing, “I finished early today. Do you want to do something?” As he concluded his question, you heard a knock on your door.

“Well, you are here.” You hung up without a farewell. Either way, Sasuke was at your side now.

He entered to your house without much parsimony. He was already used to it.

“Let’s go for a walk.” He said. You knew that was Sasuke’s way of making questions. He would change the plan if you did as much as sigh.

“I’d love to.”

You promenaded under a boulevard adorned with cherry trees. Their leaves were green and there were already red dots growing from their branches. Sasuke’s hand was a bit sweaty, but that was okay, as, with the heat of the summer, yours was too. He walked slowly, trying to inhale all the landscape that rose around him, still, one of his strides, meant two steps for you. You stayed silent most of the time, enjoying the other’s company. At your right side, a stall of food spread its smell. But this time, it didn’t faze you. Instead, you continued admiring Sasuke’s hand. He, on the other hand, walked a little faster, trying to take you away from the odor.

Sasuke stopped when you were away from most of the people. A nervousness you hadn’t perceived apparent now in his eyes. He never left your hand.

“Is there something wrong, Sasuke?”

He kissed you. Firm arms, chapped lips, warm breath. You smiled and giggled. There wasn’t much of a reason, you just felt happy. He smiled too.  

“Come live with me.” That was also a question. Even if he had disguised it as an order.

You kissed him again. A layer of sweat, warm tongue, feathery fingers, tense jaw.

“I will.”

That day, you dined together. You didn’t notice the nervousness, too busy making plans for your future.

VIII

Sasuke felt a harder hold on his hand as you approached the cinema. You dreaded going to the movies, it meant the sweet smell of popcorn and the pressure of consuming more food than you could resist. The movie wasn’t worth it, especially when your concentration decreased in the first quarter of the movie.  

Nevertheless, things were different now.

You bought the tickets and entered to the confectionery. Sasuke stared at you with his dark, preoccupied eyes. You were anxious, afraid you weren’t capable of this yet.

“I’m going to buy the food.”

You had planned everything before coming. It calmed you, giving you a sense of control. Nevertheless, he waited for you to change your wishes, maybe you weren’t ready to eat.

“Okay.”

You sat and waited for him to return. Funny enough, the odors weren’t bothering you. Still, for safety, you let your mind wander. There wasn’t food in your brain. There were books and gifts and kisses. For the first time in your life, you imagined your older self: married to Sasuke, with a pet and a successful career. You weren’t tiny and invisible anymore; life run through your veins, and you felt complete.

Sasuke startled you when he came back. Popcorn and two iced teas in his arms.

“Let’s enter now.”

IX

“How are you?” Sasuke asked, watching you with attention.

Something paralyzed your vocal chords. But you were happy, so very happy. The plate in front of you was empty. This was the tenth consecutive day you had managed to eat a whole dinner, without feeling any kind of distress afterward. And today, finally, a feeling of contempt had filled you when you were full. This was what you had forgotten.  Your fingers grazed his, your smile enough to tranquilize him.

“I still have space for the dessert.”

His kisses were wet, his caresses plumed. Sasuke’s fingers traveled across all your body, making silent compliments in all your skin.

“I love you.” He mumbled against your neck, his lips moving in your skin.

“I love you too.” Happiness was tangling in your chest. Salty tears rimmed your eyes. “I love you so much.”

X

You stirred in bed. Over your skin, the blanket felt soft and warm. Fluffy caresses engulfed your legs as you moved them across the mattress. Sunrays seeped through the curtains. With a little concentration, you could even see small particles of dust dancing in the light. Before you moved to sit up, a grunt reverberated against your neck. Sasuke made his embrace tighter, his breaths lifting some strands of your hair. Yes, he wasn’t a morning person. You turned around and faced him. Eyelids fluttering and a pout. His chest slowly rising and sinking with every breath. You kissed his nose and his eyes and his cheeks.

“Good morning, Sasuke.”

This morning you felt happy, energized. Mind already making a million of plans for the day. It was Sunday, but the day to come was still exciting.

“Stay in bed,” he mumbled as a response, nuzzling your shoulder. That was the way he showed love. His fingers were making little arabesques in your back.

“Just for a while,” you said, as his sleepy state infected you. You curled up on his chest, letting his heartbeat lull you.  “I have to make breakfast.”

Everything was so soft, so warm, so creamy…

Both of you woke up when the sun crashed directly against your eyes. Sasuke tried to hide in your chest, his eyelashes tickling your skin. However, he admitted defeat with a single huff; then he stretched his arms, letting sleep slip off his body. You, on the contrary, accepted the light with a smile, a last yawn escaped your mouth before you jumped away from the pillow. He looked at you while still lying down on the bed. His eyes, even now, sent electricity to your nerves.

“Morning.”

He was answering to your words from earlier that day. That was all you would get.

“I’m hungry. I’m making breakfast.”

You threw him another smile and gave him a small kiss on the lips. Knowing him, he would stay another five minutes in the bed, mourning the lost sleep. The floor was smooth against your feet. A song left your lips as you walked to the kitchen, content bubbling in your chest.

“Do you need any help?”

Today, Sasuke was quick.  He had followed your steps shortly after you left. It was nice. His raspy morning voice was nice.

And, in the counter, while wondering what to cook you realized: there wasn’t any anxiety, or fear, or pain. There was only peace. A warm peace that grew in all your limbs.

[a-schuyler]

I know that literally no one asked, but I just wanted to take a minute here to talk about healthy habits. Let me just preface this by saying I’m not suggesting this is a one-size-fits-all “solution” and that some people need structure in their wellness plans. They want to count calories and measure weight loss. I’m also not suggesting this is “easy.” 

For most of my life, I have dealt with disordered eating (specifically “exercise bulimia”). I’ve been a vegetarian for nearly 11 years, but the only reason I became a vegetarian in high school was because I was starving myself and wanted a convenient excuse for changes in my body. So while these were “easy” changes for me to make based on where I am in my life, I also know that what’s easy to me might sound like torture to you.

 Since college, I’ve gotten better. I don’t over-exercise, but until maybe 6 months ago my eating habits were still pretty shitty. I had a job that made me so miserable and paid me so little I could barely function – so I would skip breakfast and lunch most days, and then eat a big dinner or go out and get a giant burrito bowl to sustain myself. I just didn’t have the energy (or a lot of money) to make myself eat regularly. I’ve always been really good about drinking only water with the occasional coke or root beer as a treat. But I was horrible about portioning out my carbs properly, or looking at the ingredients in the frozen meals I was buying…knowing they were packed with sodium and added sugar, but assuming it couldn’t be THAT bad since it was vegetarian.

Long story short, I got a new job that pays me a livable wage and have since motivated myself to start making substantial changes in the way I feed myself.

(Another disclaimer…I love fruits and vegetables. I don’t mean for that to sound like a Gwyneth Paltrow “I just gravitate toward everything that’s healthy…I don’t even know what…how you say… ‘high fructose corn syrup’ is? Sorry, I’m fluent in French and sometimes forget your silly American words” statement. But adding fruits and vegetables to my meals is literally never a problem because I love them. For a while, I was just carbing up because that’s what I could afford and it was easy.)

-No frozen meals. Just cutting them all out. Byyye. Now, this doesn’t mean no frozen FOODS. I’ll buy frozen spinach and other individual ingredients. I’ll also buy Morning Star products because I can’t say no to their veggie buffalo wings and bacon. I’m just talking about heating up an entire meal, here…I try not to do that anymore.

-Making my own sauces. Again, lots of sauces are packed with sugar and sodium, and the beauty of making them yourself is that you have control over what goes into your batch. I make my own bbq sauce and my own pasta sauce. And *annoying food Instagram blogger voice* I will never buy pasta sauce from a jar again. I mean it, though. Making it yourself is far more rewarding and when you mix a little red wine into it?? Holy shit, man. (Also, making your own salad dressing. My basic white girl card should probably be revoked because I truly believe ranch dressing is a crime against humanity. Just use olive oil and vinegar, people!!!)

-FOOD PROCESSOR!!! I love my food processor. I will legit just throw in a shit ton of veggies into my food processor and then dump those veggies into my homemade pasta sauce. Also great for making your own black bean burgers.

-I’m an annoying person who loves the taste of water, though sometimes I will infuse it with a lemon/mint/berries/etc. for a little something different. And when I want something carbonated, I’ll drink a sparkling water from Trader Joe’s. And, you know what, sometimes I will drink a coke or a root beer because I fully believe in #treatyoself. But *Gwyneth Paltrow voice* I really just don’t like the taste of sugary sodas.

-Making my own bread. Not only does it taste so much better than store-bought bread, but you’re only using a handful of ingredients. Pop it in the freezer and put it in the oven (about 400F) whenever you want to eat it.

-Snacks! The fun…or torturous part…of deciding not to buy (most) prepackaged foods is that, if you want a snack, you’ve gotta put in the work. So if I want a chocolate chip cookie, I have to spend a good 45 minutes-1hr making those cookies and deciding if I even want one, or if they’re going in the freezer or my office’s break room. I even have organic popping corn from Trader Joe’s, so if I want popcorn, my ass has to stand over the stove and pop it myself. Then I have to put in the olive oil, salt, butter, paprika, etc. on my own and think about what I’m doing. So most of the time I just end up eating frozen grapes or carrot sticks.  

-Vice: Coffee. Not to sound like an “OK but first coffee” t-shirt…but honestly. That is my life. Because my mother didn’t raise a weakling, I can drink straight black coffee. But because I believe in small indulgences and happiness, I will usually splash it with some whole milk or half-and-half. I don’t fuck around with sugary coffee or creamers. But…back to #treatyoself…I did have a small s’mores Frappuccino the other day. Why? Because some coworkers wanted to go over lunch and I can fucking do what I want.

-Vice: Booze. Alcoholism straight up runs in my family so I try to be careful. But I can’t deny it – I love to drink. But I don’t party as much as I used to, and nowadays I’ll just get a glass of wine at a restaurant rather than ordering a cocktail. I’m also South African so I practically came out of the womb drinking wine.

-Vice: Peanut butter, Nutella, chocolate. The other night I literally took one spoonful of peanut butter, and another spoonful of Nutella and put them together. I don’t really know what to say, here. I always have a big jar of Nutella in my apartment. And whenever I’m spreading it on my bread, I tell myself, “This is an Italian product. Who cares if the first ten ingredients just say PURE SUGAR. I trust the Italians.” (I also say this when eating pasta and gelato.)

OK…I know this sounds like a lot of effort, and I’m not even outlining all the changes I’ve made. But here’s the thing: As much as I love convenience and would rather spend my time relaxing than standing in my kitchen, I also LOVE food and love trying new recipes. Back when I used to get most of my dinners out, I would usually rotate between Chipotle and Bibibop. So eating was just boring. But it should be fun!!! Food should be enjoyable!!!!

And another thing: Really the only change I made is cutting out 99% of processed foods. And then I just forced myself to figure out what to do with all the individual ingredients.

It’s not a fad diet or quick fix. I will still eat my popcorn if I make it, or buy a chocolate bar from Trader Joe’s on a day I feel like I could use a pick-me-up. I’m not cutting anything OUT. This isn’t low-carb paleo 1300 calories a day bullshit. It’s just being more aware of ingredients and the food I’m putting into my body. And my clothes are looser, my runs are longer and less tiring, my skin is clear, I’m not bloated, and overall I just feel like a healthier person. I don’t weigh myself, I don’t count calories.

While I wouldn’t mind weighing 20 pounds or so less, I don’t have any desire to obsess over every little number. Been there, done that, you know? It doesn’t work for me.

When I counted my calories, I lost weight rapidly and it made me happy. But you know what else happened? Whenever I went 200, 300 calories over my daily budget, I immediately felt like a failure and fell into that real fun “well who cares, I messed up!! Might as well eat whatever I want now!!!!” mindset. When you’re not tracking anything, your “slip ups” also aren’t on your radar. And that is so freeing in a way you would not believe.

[hazegal]

Help! I have super bad depression and lose motivation very easily. I have 12 weeks without school and I don't know what I should do because it'll be so easy to just sleep all day and not do anything but I don't want to get bad again. Please give me some cute ideas of ways to occupy my time for 12 weeks 💛

Hi! I just want to start with a little disclaimer - I have never had depression so as hard as I try to make it the most helpful I can fail because I have no idea how it feels and I don’t feel like it would be right for me to pretend I do. Im totally with you hun and I hope you will be feeling better in no time. 

If possible, try to get away from town. Like it doesn't even need to be far away. Just change your surrounding for day or two. You can even stay at your friends place in other part of the town if you feel like it. 

If getting away is not an option try to explore the part of your town you have never been in or don’t know very well. Doesn’t matter how boring it may look, it still has a little bit of travel to it. You can set a goal of finding a new, cute cafe in some not really known for you part of town and just go for a cafe hunt there. 

I know this is a cliche but take up some new hobby. My friend who was diagnosed with a disorder decided to learn how to skateboard and from what she was saying it really helps her. I actually got into skateboarding as well because of her haha. She told me that this really takes her mind of things and physical activity is proved to be mood boosting. 

It doesn’t have to be sport if this is something you wouldn’t enjoy tho. 

If you like making art this can be a “hobby” of yours. Observe everyday objects and try to make art out of them. Something like object studios but with any media you like. Thinking of a new way to represent the object you know very well is really interesting and again takes your mind off things. The best thing about it is that it doesn’t require too much and still can be very enjoyable (if you are into it ofc). Don’t be afraid to try different media if you don’t like falling into a routine/get bored easily. 

If this is possible redo your wardrobe. Throw away anything you don’t wear as of late - it can be very freeing as well. If you can go shopping/thrifting for new things. Also maybe redecorate your room. I think change of surroundings can really have a positive impact on people. I doesn’t even have to be huge change. Adding new poster or changing place of your bed can be all. 

Finally, there is always Netflix for ya. I mean actually any shows or movies. Shows can be very addictive tho and it makes it easy to stay up late and then sleep all day. Still, my friend (the skateboarding one) who gets depressive throughout the summer says that this is what she does. So maybe there is something about it. If you need any lighthearted movie recommendations feel free to ask me for them. 

Just don't be too hard on yourself if you can’t make yourself to do anything or to finish something you once begun. Remember that all those things you do for you, not for anyone else. I feel like little steps, little goals are very nice if you don’t feel like doing anything. Like if you really can’t find motivation at least try to get out of bed and shower. 

I hope I helped in any way, but as I said I have never had depression so I don’t really know how to deal with this and what you can do/can’t do, because of your disorder. I hope you will feel better soon and Im totally supporting you and am with you. Ily :) 

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premature ejaculation ireland

Contents

39;drunken irish' stereotype'.

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Studies have shown that men suffering from alcohol dependence also experience other forms of sexual dysfunction such as premature ejaculation, loss of libido and difficulty achieving orgasm. In a follow-up study, these symptoms improved to be the same as the control group, in those who abstained from alcohol for 2-3 months.

There are several possible causes of premature ejaculation. Both physical and psychological factors can contribute to the condition.

 · Premature ejaculation is super common. Really. youtube.com. This is defined in most studies as ejaculating within one to two minutes of penetration and feeling distressed or anxious about it.

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premature ejaculation after stopping lexapro Off-label use of SSRIs has proven a promising treatment for premature ejaculation, SSRI called paroxetine and, over the course of the following months, He found that 70 percent ultimately stopped using the drug, typically.

Throughout the lifespan, premature ejaculation is men's #1 sex problem. Fortunately, it's usually easy to cure using self-help or professional sex.

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When men fail to seek help for premature ejaculation because they are embarrassed. which has made me decide to talk today about premature ejaculation (PE).. Dr Ciara Kelly: 'We deserve the 'drunken irish' stereotype'.

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Premature ejaculation (PE) is the most common sexual medical condition, affecting up to one in five Irish men at some stage in their lives. Priligy tablets.

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Premature ejaculation is the most common type of ejaculation problem. It is estimated that 20-30% of men iwill experience at least one episode of premature ejaculation. Retarded ejaculation is less common than premature ejaculation, but it is certainly not rare.

A NEW CAMPAIGN has been launched today to encourage the one in five Irish men affected by premature ejaculation (PE) to 'take control' and.

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