#Disassociating

[existential-screaming]

Temptation of the Arcane

If I were to give up my humanity to have a body without pain and a mind without emotions I would give up my heartbeat. There is nothing of my person that I wouldn’t trade, because no action  fuelled by my emotions ever left a good result. I am flawed, I am broken both beyond repair. You might see my flaws as beautiful, but they cause me endless pain. I never feared losing myself, because I am not attached to who I was. But who I could be is a distant dream I reach for. It is easier to dream yourself into a god, than to accept your own reflection. And I will try to improve myself until I am whole, instead of the husk I have created out of myself.  

I live in distance from myself, no longer attached to the outside. I can see a thousand faces looking back in the mirror except for my own. I can see clearly but none of what I see will matter to my memories. This puppet I am moving is still surviving, after all this time it still is. There will never be a place for me to rest, except for continued movement until I can finally reach eternity. The numbness has overtaken me and I cannot see if a face looks at me with anger or affection. All I know is that I don’t want to go back to becoming human. I know I am running, but running I shall because I have been trapped by these broken legs for too long. I don’t want to know the person I am, I want to be the person I could be. And in this solitude I find company, knowing that at least I will never be broken again. 

I sometimes catch myself taking back my body, but with every tear and every laugh I open up a crack. An old wound that can be hurt again. More pain to overshadow the process of healing. And a body that falters after doing the right thing. I cannot live with myself, all I hope for is that I can improve other peoples lives. Because I seem to be an expert at making myself miserable. 

[veedynasty]

staying in bed and playing video games all day >

[adult-female-with-aspergers]

I honestly don’t know what it must be like to be normal. With no mental illness. Like image getting off a long work day. You were board so you take a walk around the neighborhood, maybe chat with some people . You cook a light dinner, do a little cleaning. You then have an hr before bed and watch some TV. Seems fake.

I sit alone in my office all day and at the end I go home, shower (sometimes), then fall into bed and stare at screens disassociating until I pass out.

I keep seeing post saying ‘normalize men cooking and cleaning as having basic adult life skills’. So what am i?? If I can’t make food in 5 minutes I’m not cooking. I also can stand the feel of raw meat and won’t eat leftovers because it tastes different. There is always some smug bastard who say ‘ just meal prep!!🙃’ why, so it can sit in my fridge for 3 months and grow mold? I eat out every day. And don’t get me started on cleaning. My place is disgusting and I tried cleaning my table a month ago but then it was back to what it was two days later.

I’m so sick of seeing people saying cooking and cleaning are basic life skills. Try and convince me any celebrity cleans their own place and cooks all their meals. No one says they aren’t adults.

I have a job. I pay my bills. That’s what makes me an adult. /rant over

[martinsharmony]

My mother is in the hospital with possible bird flu and pneumonia. I do not give one FUCK about anything else on this planet except her and David Tennant.

[meret118]

I still don't have the energy to people much at the moment, but I wanted to thank everyone on my dash for being so wonderful. It is incredibly helpful for someone like me who lives in a very red area.

Ganthritorchic has had a lot of timely posts today. If you're struggling too you might want to check them out. Take care of yourselves.

[epoxyopioids]

I’m healed enough to not really want to self-harm violently anymore because the guilt of knowing the “me” around most of the time will be in far more distress for far longer than it’ll bring me relief.

but i still want to. i want to bleed and bruise and leave the body with reminders of how much agony i’m in

i want to slam my head off the wall until it spins

i want to hit myself in the face over and over

i won’t feel like i’ve punished myself enough for being ugly and cruel and unloveable until i see blood

even though i don’t want her to feel bad

[fabulous-gabulous-theartist]

Me disassociating while doing repetitive mundane task at work.

[anenbyraccoon]

Does anyone else start disassociating but

then become aware they're disassociating but doesn't want to stop because of what their

brain is making is good thoughts but you have to pay attention to what they're doing

but can't stop?!

Or is it just me?

[childoftheriver]

The dads…

[dreamy-conceit]

I have walked through many lives, some of them my own

— Stanley Kunitz, 'The Layers'

[kadunud]

[unknwnerrorx]

[dianne-spanner]

Have you tried disassociating on the bus recently

In the rain

While listening to Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers.

[a-wizard-in-overalls]

Excuse me while I drink while sitting on my couch listening to sludge metal and just disassociate for a while. It's been a hell of week I guess?

[skymoonandstardust]

Yes mutuals

thank you so much <3 i'm most defintely not cool lol but it warms my heart that you think I am.

[fiore244]

Am I the only one that thinks disassociating is nice? Like why do we have to be front and center for every toxic situation this world has to offer?

I do wish it had a turn on and off button to experience love , touch & the beautiful things.