#Diabolik Lovers crack headcanons

[midnight-glasses]

I'm back with a little post! Enjoy the atrocities I wrote.

Some things I think he does or has done, even if it's intended to be humorous:

🐺 — Shin bullies kids on roblox and enjoys it more than he'd like to admit.

🐺 — He takes board games way too seriously, normally flipping tables when loses and accuse others of cheating even in games of pure chance.

🐺 — He believes in Santa.

🐺 — Shin wakes up on November 1st and starts decorating for Christmas.

🐺 — He tackles and wrestles people to show affection.

🐺 — For some reason, he believes vacuum cleaners are some form of modern human weapon and avoids them at all costs.

🐺 — He has an incredible long-term memory but an awful short-term memory.

🐺 — Shin has a stash of bad pickup lines that he tries out to flirt, like: “Are you a full moon? Because you’ve got me howling...”

🐺 — He is a furry.

🐺 — Shin has a Mary Sue oc.

🐺 — This oc also has a fursona version, which is clearly a self-insertion of himself into a character.

🐺 — He often uses this character to make the oc canon, simply because he is too proud to admit that this Mary Sue oc is a self-insert.

🐺 — He uses the word “dude” like a comma

🐺 — Shin knows fnaf lore complete and can give very specific, useless details about it even if you don't ask for it.

🐺 — Just like his brother, he is awful with technology and doesn't know how to use a smart phone.

🐺 — He accidentally posts selfies to social media with strange captions like: “What hell is this shit?”

🐺 — Shin claims to hate modern human food but secretly loves pineapple on pizza. He sneaks out late at night to grab a slice of his guilty pleasure.

🐺 — He tells dad jokes.

🐺 — Once, he tried to use his cell phone camera to shave his balls but got confused when hearts started appearing on the screen.

🐺 — Surprisingly, his live stream wasn’t taken down until he realized what he had done and ended it, but it became a joke among those around him.

🐺 — Every time Shin tries to cook, he makes a culinary apocalypse. He once set off a fire alarm while boiling water, and now swears that cooking is not worth it for him or is beneath him.

🐺 — He’s convinced he’s the best singer ever, even if everyone else is cringing.

🐺 — Shin tried to connect with his “inner wolf” by howling at the moon, but he lost his voice for two days and refused to admit it was from the howling.

🐺 — He spends an embarrassing amount of time in front of mirrors and gets genuinely offended if anyone catches him.

🐺 — Shin has a soft spot for animals and secretly has a collection of bunny plushies hidden in his room. If anyone finds out, he pretends they're “battle trophies”.

🐺 — He secretly keeps a Pinterest board for “Alpha Aesthetic”.

🐺 — Shin secretly wonders why he doesn’t have an fan club like Kou. He once tried to form one for himself, but no one joined.

🐺 — He uses dog shampoo to make his hair look nice.

All my written content is original, however, I do not claim ownership of the characters depicted. ©2024-Present.

[lovely-oh-so-lovelyyui]

Do you guys think Subaru is like prince harry, once Karl dies or something. Like every other day he's dropping a interview, documentary or book based on his shitty childhood and there's nothing anyone can do to stop him.

He keeps revealing his brother's shit too, like kanato licks his mom's ashes, Shu did two lines before attending the war meeting because he didn't wanna go so he was out of his mind when sending their army off, or ayato has skid marks.

like the whole country is mourning Karl or whatever and Subaru just drops a casual statement of all of his father's hidden war crimes and atrocities committed

At some point it gets really weird like how Harry starts talking about using his mother's hand cream to jerk off and shit.

[yuikomoristanaccount]

h ey yall what if i write a fanfic,,?

[diaboliklove]

is this a safe space. like fr.

i saw a post about how carla looks like karl and well —

i remember when dark fate was first announced and the first image of carla's cg's was shown, i did not even think they were related, but instead was SO convinced it was karlheinz. i don't even think carla and shin were named yet. like i told EVERYONE on dl instagram we were gonna have a dad route 😭😭😭 carla looks younger, so i had this whole idea that he reset time to try the adam and eve project on himself, i had a whole headcanon post about this and fr thought i was cracking the rosetta stone of diabolik lovers 😭😭

i dug and found which cg it was, but fr you cannot tell me 13 year old me wasn't on to something 😭

[diaphobic]

Crack hcs about the Sakamakis orgazining a surprise birthday party for Shu because Karlheinz forced them to do it?? Idk, I Just think it would be funny to see that 🤔🤔

Shu’s Surprise bday (crack ver)

❧ Triplets are on baking duty since Reiji tried to poison the cake. He wasn’t so sneaky with it either.. boasted about rat poisoning and said he’d make Shu take the first bite even if he had to hand feed him.

❧ And, well… we all know how the triplets are with baking things. Fires are easily set and all of the food gets burnt very quickly. They collectively thought that using ‘high’ heat would simply speed up the process.. not.. burn the food.

❧ Kanato tries shoving everything he can in his mouth. He even tried the butter when Laito told him it would taste super yummy. He spit it in laitos face while crying angry tears. The butter was not tasty.

❧ Ayato has a loud mouth. He doesn’t stop yelling, and soon the surprise birthday party is not too much of a surprise.

❧ Upon hearing the commotion Shu decides it best to find a good hiding place to sleep through the event. That hiding place was a tree.

❧ Subaru and Reiji set the table and gathered supplies from town. Reiji walked like he had a stick in his ass the entire time. He mumbled and grumbled about how he had to do this for ‘that deadbeat.’

❧ Subaru decided to slide the plates across the table to their places and ended up throwing one a little too hard. Reiji was at the other end of the table and was gifted a flying plate straight to the..

❧ While Reiji was immobilized Subaru ran outside to escape the madness. Behind him came the triplets on fire. They had been arguing a bit too much over the cake when Ayato set fire and decided to roll on Kanato, then Laito. Wrong procedure, Ayato.

❧ Outside Shu’s slumber was disrupted. He groaned from his tree, but didn’t fully wake. The troublesome younger brothers soon found the grumbling birthday boy in the tree.

❧ Subaru, pissed off, grabbed a stick and began to whack Shu with it spewing a lot of creative insults.

❧ Shu only woke up because of the smell of burning shit.

❧ The birthday party was a bust.

[everything-laito]

I can imagine just laito finding an abandoned baby duck and taking it in. And the duck would be so comfortable with him that the baby duck just sits on his fedora while he just roaming about the mansion .

Ooo-oo or the duck just follows him everywhere and when the duck is cleaning its feathers; its goes ahead goes ahead and starts cleaning latos hair too

OH MY GOD 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 THIS IS TOO SWEET OH MY DEAR LORD

Laito would probably have a little pool for the ducks at this point but then he would have to teach/coax the duckling to swim 😭😭😭

THIS IS PRECIOUS THANK U LAVENDER FOR THIS AMAZING MENTAL IMAGE 😭😭😭

[karlheinz-sama]

Diabolik Lovers Headcanons- Crack edition

Admin has started a new year at school so this may or may not be all of the stuff he has done at school

Ayato decided to join the sports club at lunch so he wouldn't have to be cramped on a table with annoying people (his brothers) and fangirls, so he'd eat with the sport kids then play some basketball. All was fine until someone challenged that my little pony wasn't a classic so they competed with the nonce to see who could get more hoops and his PE teacher saw and now he's Captain of the basketball team.

Kanato once sat on a broken chair and fell on the floor, so he started crying to the teacher and told them that a fangirl purposefully gave them the broken chair and got them suspended because he didn't like them

Laito makes deez nuts jokes to everybody and anybody

For an entire term Shu never spoke to the girl next to him the first thing he said was man I wish a girl was sitting on my face causing the girl to look shocked as she turned around to tell her friend, her friend thought she was joking because Shu looked like a polite quiet kid and wouldn't believe her friend no matter what

Subaru has a running joke with his new guidance counselor because she's cool and everytime they see each other they'll go how are you? And so forth and Subaru always replies fine I haven't committed arson yet. Causes his brothers to go into a frenzy everytime

Kou was definitely one of those kids that wrote amazing history papers in school and they got a super cool teacher who he now sends tiktoks too

This started after he sent her a Ben Shapiro X Henry the 8th fanfic main tags hand holding without reading it as a Christmas present

He also once asked for a extension on a project after showing her how big he planned on doing the project but didn't thoroughly think it out, so he sent her an email with a Spotify playlist filled with Taylor swift called I'm finishing that one project due in two day; he got the extension and it was the best project out of his class.

Reiji once forgot to study for a Spanish test so he wrote out a draft from Google translate on a post it note and shoved it under his belt so he could look at it when needed.

Laito was once talking about how he did piano when he was young and someone asked him to play something so the first thing he did was play the Twilight theme song

[infernal-iris]

I don't know if the other anon is still reading but I cracked up when I read 'did ya'll play the game blindfolded?' because I firmly believe that's exactly what went down. it's like they completely missed the point of the series and whenever there's a moment where the boys say or do something to show that they are only interested in yui those guys are like 'i can't read' xDD

Tbh same. I know that this has been repeated many times by others before, but I understand why some people ship the boys…it’s not because they think it’s hot when they see two boys doing the do, but more so because they want representation for the LGBT community in the fandom. The problem is, they’re doing that in the wrong fandom…Diabolik Lovers is a dark and twisted franchise that’s not meant to have characters that represent any spectrum, but rather to satisfy women (or men) with kinky interests. While it is nice to see an LGBT character in media, it’s strange to headcanon a guy who obviously shows attraction to girls as gay, don’t you think? I’m not saying you can’t headcanon any one of the guys as bi, but so far they’ve all only shown interest in women (or more specifically, Yui).

However, I also cannot ship the boys together because most of them are technically related and/or utterly despise each other.

Sakamaki and Mukami? Sure, they’re adoptive siblings but the family connection is still there to me. However, the Sakamaki brothers don’t view the Mukamis as anything but trash (as they aren’t pureblood vampires). But even if characters like Shu and Yuma reconcile later on, the reconciliation is nothing more than platonic and on friendly terms, and the only person they will have genuine feeling for will always and forever be Yui (since she is the Heroine and they are the choosable love interests).

Sakamaki and Tsukinami? Nope, these guys are actually related to Cordelia, making the Tsukinami bros the uncles of the triplets. However, they also despise vampires so I can’t really see a healthy relationship happening here.

Mukami and Tsukinami? As I mentioned above, they strongly dislike vampires.

As for Kino, I honestly don’t know who else but Yui/The Heroine could handle him. This guy dislikes everyone and just needs someone that’ll tone down his arrogance with backtalk since he acts even more spoiled than Ayato.

I don’t mind male OCs for the boys since Rejet hasn’t confirmed their sexualities as of yet but chances are, they’re straight. Or at least that’s what I think.

[lovely-oh-so-lovelyyui]

Is there a possibility that Ayato waxes his legs?

You know what I don’t think he…can?

It’s a really sad miserable situation, especially adding to his wounds about traditional masculinity or whatever he’s fixated on this week.

I mean Shu was probably one of those 13-year-olds who woke up one morning with a voice pitch 5 times lower than usual and a solid stubble, growing hair from god knows where. Whereas Ayato was 17 and still trying to grow this tiny whimsical strand of chest hair, forget leg hair. 

He’s as smooth as a baby doesn’t mean he likes it.

His go-to excuse is probably something about Viboras being naturally hairless compared to vampires even though compared to his brother he has a more dominant vampire gene.

Laito once grew one of those french goatee things which were hideous but Ayato has never been fueled with more hatred, so he helped Reiji shave the hideous thing off in the middle of the night ( also thank god for Reiji’s micromanagement because Laito looked so creepy- like more than usual.)

I mean it’s usually just harmless stuff like that his brothers jest with him, even the triplets. 

Like Shu couldn’t wait to get home from the north pole, but one of the top things he wanted to do was shave, because I know my man was tired of how much of his face it took up and how scratchy it had gotten. Where does he do it?

Ayato’s bathroom right before Ayato comes home, ready to take a shower after practice.

And what is waiting for him, like this slow-motion shot of Shu; shirtless, and just out of the shower with water dripping down him to his towel hung low on his hips, built like some greek hero back from war, just about to shave off his stubble with the sun in the window behind him highlighting everything??

The world was against Ayato that day because Shu wasn’t going to clean up his beard left in Ayato’s sink or the shaving foam water, and Reiji wouldn’t do it because it was Shu’s. 

So Ayato had to do it.

Anyways so it’s a touchy subject.

[uta-no-knb]

hellooooo!!! i saw you open the ask box sooo... i was wondering... may i ask for a fluff where akashi as a vampire... a sadistic one (more like ayato from diabolik lover ahhhh... >_

First off….I”M SO SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING PATIENT!! I will say that I’m not really good with sadistic stuff but I”m going to give it all a try.

I saw diabolik lover, but stopped half-way through because I got bored a bit XD (I think season 2)…but I’m going to start because Tatsuhisa Suzuki is in season 2!

Anyway, I kinda made this….kinda like Diabolik Lovers-where the GoM are all vampire brothers (with the exception of Kise)..so just for shits and giggles, here is who I believe the GoM would be from the Sakamaki family Diabolik Lovers (a brief description, bound to change…Kise is definitely not Kanato, )

Sakamaki Ayato - AkashiSakamaki Laito - Aomine (perverts)Sakamaki Shu - Murasakibara (They’re both lazy)Sakamaki Subaru - KurokoSakamaki Reiji - MidorimaSakamaki Kanato- Kise

I personally find that Akashi is a combination of some of the brothers-but that is a headcanon for a different day-if anyone wants to ask about which diabolik lovers represent characters from KnB, ask away in a separate request (kinda like how I did the Inside Out headcanons.)

ONWARD WITH THE REQUEST (I gave Akashi partially the same personality as Ayato btw…..) I may or may not  be watching Diabolik Lovers as I write this XD

1 pm; Location: Mansion

“Um…..Sei-chan?” you asked as you walked into the kitchen to find your boyfriend currently eating. “What are you doing?”

Akashi looked up, his yellow eyes connecting with your (e/c) ones. “What does it look like I’m doing?” he mumbled, his mouth full of food. “I’m eating, stupid.”

You just arched an eyebrow and sat across from him, resting your head in the palm of your hand. “Takoyaki again? Seriously, what is so great about that stuff?”

“It’s crisp on the outside and soft on the inside which is how I like it.”

“I see…”

“What is on our mind,” he questioned, which surprised you. “Don’t bother lying, (F/N). I know something is bothering you.”

You merely sighed and, with your head still propped on your hand, you turned away from the red-headed male. “It’s just…were you serious when you said you wanted to date me?”

“Of course, love,” he said, continuing to eat his food.

“Then why does it seem that it is all a joke to you?”

He paused and placed his fork down. “Come again?”

You could feel the anger that you’ve kept bottled up these past few weeks start to bubble deep inside you. Despite the fact that he’s a vampire, you’re deeply and madly in love with him. However, you can’t stand the way he’s been treating you lately.

“Haven’t you been feeling lonely at all these past few weeks?”

“I have my work to keep me company, (F/N), you know this-”

You tuned out your boyfriend after hearing those words come out of his mouth. He prefers his work…over me?

“Of course I fucking know that, Bakashi!” you snapped, abruptly standing up, the legs of your chair scraping loudly across the floor. This action alone caused the male in front of you to flinch backwards in shock.

“(F/N), calm down -”

“I will not calm down Akashi!” with your head lowered, your hands were clenched into fists. You were trying so hard to hold in the tears, to prevent your voice from cracking. “I fucking hate you, Akashi Seijuro!” you yelled, turning on your heel as you ran out of the kitchen, the tears finally flowing freely. “I wish I’ve never fallen in love with you!”

Akashi just stared at the spot where you just were, his brain trying to comprehend what happened a few seconds ago.

“Why was (F/N)-chii crying, Akashi-chii?’ Kise asked entering the kitchen.

“Hell if I know, Ryouta.”

“It’s because you’ve been neglecting her, Akashi-kun.”

Startled by the mystery voice, Kise jumped and let out a scream while Akashi just flinched.

“Kuroko-chii! You almost gave me a heartattack,” Kise whined, looking at the shorter male behind him. “You have to stop doing that.”

“I’ve been here the whole time, its not my fault you didn’t notice me, Kise-kun,” he shrugged, before turning his gaze to the red-head in front of him.

“Neglecting her?”

“When was the last time you and F/N)-chii went on a date?”

“That was-”

“When was the last time you two spent quality alone time together?”

“We did-”

“When was the last time-”

“Will you two let me answer?!” he exclaimed, finally standing up and slamming his own hands down on the table.

Both Kuroko and Kise shut their lips, waiting for the redhead to answer.

W-when was the last time we went on a date? he asked himself, trying desperately to remember.

“You don’t remember, do you, Akashi-kun?”

Akashi looked up at his brothers. “I guess it has been a while-”

“We understand that you’re the head of the family and that dad is putting a lot of pressure on you, but even you have to remember that you need breaks. And besides, we can all see that you really love (F/N)-chan.”

“Even if you do act like a sadistic bastard around her.”

Turning around they saw Aomine leaning against the door frame.

“You shouldn’t have said that, Ao-”

In a flash, Aomine found himself pinned against the wall-Akashi’s heterochromatic eyes staring deep into his. “You dare say that again, Daiki?”

“You heard me Akashi,” was the reply he got.

“Injuring Aomine-kun won’t help your situation with (F/N)-chan, Akashi-kun,” Kuroko jumped in, stopping Akashi from most likely doing something stupid.

“Tch.” Akashi released his hold on Aomine’s shirt and backed away.

“Go find her, Akashi-chii, and set things right.”

“Shut up, Ryouta,” he growled and stormed out of the kitchen.

“Thanks for saving my ass, Tetsu-”

“Aomine-kun. If I wasn’t worried about having to clean up blood from the kitchen again, I would’ve let him kill you.”

“TETSU!”

~~~~~

“(F/N), let me i-”

“Fuck off Bakashi!”

Despite your protest, Akashi entered your room, which startled you.

“What the hell Akashi! What if I had been changing?” you exclaimed, as you sat up from your previous position, wiping away the tears that were on your eyes.

“Nothing I haven’t seen before,” he smirked.

“HENTAI!” you exclaimed, as you threw a pillow at him, which he only dodged. “What the fuck do you want?” You sat full up on your bed, with your legs crossed.

With a sigh, he too sat down next to you and looked you in the eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“…Eh?” You stared at him with a raised eyebrow. “Did the great Akashi actually apologize? That’s a first.”

“I’m serious.” His eyes narrowed and his voice held no sign of enjoyment. “You were right; I do neglect you and for that I’m sorry. I know I said things I shouldn’t have said, and I regret those words.” He moved one of his hands to hold one of your own, his other hand gently placed on your cheek. “(F/N), I really do love you. I get so caught up in my work that I forget that you have needs as well. Please, forgive me, pancake.”

You could feel your eyes shaking as his stared into yours. However, the moment he called you the nickname that you absolutely hate, you frowned. “Cut the bullshit Akashi. You’re not here to really apologize. You just want my bloo-”

In an instant, you found a silver knife in your hand, the tip of the knife placed right over Akashi’s heart; his hand placed over your clenched fist.

“You think I’m joking?” he asked, as he pressed the tip of the knife closer to his skin, actually drawing some blood. “You do realize that vampires show their love by killing each other right? Kill me.”

His voice held no tremor, his eyes held no fear. He was serious.

“I fucking love you, (F/N).” His voice cracked and you could see he was holding back tears. “I don’t ever want to lose you-especially to my idiotic brothers.”

Instantly, you yanked your hand out of his grip, the knife accidentally cutting his hand in the process. “I won’t kill you, Akashi.” You tossed the knife on the floor and cupped his cheek. “It’s true, I do get lonely, which is why I spend so much time with your brothers. They make me feel like I truly am loved-and that I’m not just here as your livestock. I understand your workload, but I hate being ignored. Instead of playing shoji, lets do stuff together like a couple would. I love you so much Akashi-I just worry about you.”

Akashi just smiled and brought you in for a kiss. It started sweet, but then intensified as he kissed you deeper. You suddenly found yourself flat on your back, Akashi hovering above you.

He brought his head lower and closer to yours; you braced yourself for another feverish kiss, only to yelp when he dug his fangs into your neck. “What the hell Akashi?!”

“You’re mine, (F/N),” he growled, staring into your eyes. “I will mark you up; scar your body to let my brothers know who you belong too.” He bit into your neck again, and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

You, (L/N) (F/N), was deeply in love with a sadistic, pain in the ass vampire…

And you wouldn’t have it any other way.

ARgh! I’m horrible at sadistic stuff. I tried I”m sorry!!!!!! - =͟͟͞͞ =͟͟͞͞ ﾍ( ´Д`)ﾉ

Again, thank you for your patience with this-I’m forever grateful! :D

Fun fact: Ayato’s voice actor, Midorikawa Hikaru also voices Ootori Eiichi in Uta no Prince Sama and Seto freaking Kaiba in Yu-Gi-Oh!

[everything-laito]

If you think about it, Untitled Goose Game and Diabolik Lovers have very similar plots.

A horrible goose/vampire does all they can to make a group of villagers'/young girl's life hell just for the fun of it.

Also the image of Laito's duck stealing Reiji's glasses now lives rent-free in my mind.

AKDJAJDJA OH MY GOD YES @ ALL OF THIS

YES YES YES LMAOOOOOOOO

[everything-laito]

Laito telling ayato not to feed his duck bread cuz he actually likes his pet duck🥺 (bread can gives ducks stomach problems so he feeds it peas)

AAAAAA OH MY GOD

I love the idea of Laito just caring about his duck(s + goose now?? AKDJHA it has grown) that he’d just do so much research on them 😭😭😭 he just has duck books lying around

Omg what if Laito got a little peeved about Ayato unintentionally trying to ruin his duck’s digestive system, but Ayato really likes the duck(s+) as well, so he secretly does his research. Laito catches him reading about ducks one day and it becomes a brother bonding moment .°(ಗдಗ。)°.

Reiji has a mental breakdown due to all the feathers he finds in random hidden places but still lets Laito keep the duck(s+)

[everything-laito]

Yo imagine a goose seeing Laito’s army of ducks and feels left out, so Laito has no choice but to take in the goose as well 😭 Then the brothers have the IRL “Untitled Goose Game” experience 😭

OH MY GOD LITERALLY YES

I don’t think that there’s much interactions of Laito with animals but I just,,,, I rly wanna see him as some kind of animal person and all these duck headcanons are SO SO good

Laito would bond with the goose pretty well cuz they’d troll the other brothers (including himself) like in the Untitled Goose Game. Ironically the goose would troll Reiji the most and would end up with a collection of silverware or something AKDJSH

Omg what if the goose suddenly pulled in a suspicious magazine but Laito would be like “wait that’s not mine” so he’d be trying to figure out who else has a porn mag in the Sakamaki house but nobody comes to claim it AJDJSHSH