#like. i cant even blame myself i still see it
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is this a safe space. like fr.
i saw a post about how carla looks like karl and well —
i remember when dark fate was first announced and the first image of carla's cg's was shown, i did not even think they were related, but instead was SO convinced it was karlheinz. i don't even think carla and shin were named yet. like i told EVERYONE on dl instagram we were gonna have a dad route 😭😭😭 carla looks younger, so i had this whole idea that he reset time to try the adam and eve project on himself, i had a whole headcanon post about this and fr thought i was cracking the rosetta stone of diabolik lovers 😭😭
i dug and found which cg it was, but fr you cannot tell me 13 year old me wasn't on to something 😭
#my absolute most delulu moment#like. i cant even blame myself i still see it#toffee speaks#diabolik lovers#carla tsukinami
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vash w this hairstyle is literally so cute.. .. wolfwood matchies or smt T__T
#litearlly dont talk 2 me i saw the knives panel again and smashed everuthing inmy room and set myself on fire#am i wrong 4 thinking that he shouldve had a little more time.am i wrong for thinking this guy.having lived in terrible fear#his whole life 4 what he thought could happen 2 him. to his brother. DID happen 2 his sister#should be able 2 experience some happiness and comfort for once#like yeah the guy killed hundreds of thousands SUREE ok.AND??? let the guy breathe a little#BAHAHA no i think i do still agree w the ultimate ending of him using the last of his energy 2 generate that apple tree#its sweet and i do like the sentiment it was just. Too.soon after it was literally right after#and im like coughing and hacking and wishing.that he and vash couldve spent those few months living (somewhat) peacefully#and secluded.before everything that happened#i guess there is a bittersweet tinge to knives dying before vash woke up / could say gbye but idk.i just grieve 4 this guy#even if a clean redemption isnt like#feasible in a sense U KNOW!!!!!!! but then again i dont think. satisfying endings have to be clean cut and perfect#like he doesnt have to be redeemed i think. not everyone needs Redemption as it exists in its current form#&& i do think that even after all he did.comma.he wasnt entirely wrong?like you cant rly blame him 4 rejecting coexistence#based on the way plants have historically been treated (assuming he also telepathized with exploited plants after the great fall)#though not to say that his decisions/methodology is right ykwim#and i know yeaa yeaa there was a lot of hypocrisy in how he used the other plants 2 amass power#ok this is literally getting too convoluted there r so many conditional aspects to this but long story short i do thnk he deserved.#a little something at the end;______; even if just 4 me to see art of them together post-final arc .#< me dragging my knuckles in the sand w open wounds or smth#sry vash post turned into knives sadblogging EHAHEHA but its like the nature of this^ guys life anyways LMAO#trigun spoilers#trigun maximum#trigun#vash
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i am really never going to understand why people post "shifting antis dni" in the astral projection tag. "here practice that constantly gets appropriated by us and used as a weird justification for a new set of beliefs that aren't really based in the same reality you work with, and that also gets completely misunderstood by our community because we don't care to understand what you do and just pretend we know it's what we do like christians saying other religions worship the christian god, have a post! Also dni if you don't like our practice that has nothing to do with the one whose tag we just shoved this into"
if you're not astral projecting don't put shit in the ap tag. if you don't even know the difference between AP and RS I dont think your opinion holds enough weight to counter the pushback against flooding a separate practice's tag with "if you dont like the practice I'm talking about in your tags dni"
#I mean on the other hand I sure am Not Interacting my god#Im not of the opinion RS isnt a thing. I know its a thing - its a complex programming of mental spaces that branches off of#actually. I wont say it branches off things. Its its own thing like autovisions dreams mindspaces and other simulations - but it is#ultimately mindwalking - or whatever term someone else would want to use I just coined that for myself. It's travelling and projecting#into the Mental Realm. which is. explicitly. not the Astral realm. It's still a thing! It's not lucid dreaming or imagination. Very much th#early stages of it and experiences of those who cant programme the reactive mental into settling are gonna be lucid dreams and#imagination - just like what happens when youre not good at AP. but like. it's. a fucking. separate practice#and i do not understand flooding tags that arent what youre talking about and then saying ''dni if you dont like what im talking about''#like yeah theres an element of ''dont blame people for how others treat them'' - its not a case of ''you piss people off and then expect#them to not hate you?'' its explicitly a case of... you are continuously misunderstanding AP and using it as a backing#for your own practices and mixing up the two showing you have fucking No idea what youre doing with AP... so how else are we#supposed to take RS other than ''its a complete misunderstanding of AP and clearly it isnt even developed enough as a practice nor#based on enough truth to have its practitioners have the slightest clue about off-plane and OOB practices... if this is what RSers think of#the world and how it works and this is the depths of their understanding of it I cant support Shifting as anything more than#fantasy with vague references to established practices used incorrectly as justification''#~abyssal murmurs#like. tldr. youre putting it in the way of a tonne fo Anti Shifters because a) youre putting it in the tags of an art your art steals#justification from and chronically chooses to misunderstand and walks all over and b) you're showing a complete disrespect to the#practice of AP by posting this in the tags showing that your ''information'' and ''teaching'' is so misinformed you think AP and RS#are the same thing... so of course people are going to see that and think negatively of your practice. Not out of spite - but as a reaction#in the way of you are showing us that your practice is shallow and misunderstood#Look! If i walk into a jewish theology lesson and the speaker is convinced christianity and judaism are the same religion#to the point that when they post on social media they tag both when they talk about either... it looks like that speaker is clueless if the#cant even getthe basics of ''So what is it that I'm teaching about?'' answered right. If you cant even define the boundaries#of your practice as ''this is our practice this isnt'' then why is anyone going to think what youre teaching is real and grounded#and worth listening to and anything more than a crock of shite based on sounding mystical and Love and Light and freeing#at the cost of turning your mind off to just Believe what youre doing is grounded outside the mental??? why would people NOT#see these posts and BECOME antis
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ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me
#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way#in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom#was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc#but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me#but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars#idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like#there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything#bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio#like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer#im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events#never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just#only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just#idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants#like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown#i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4#the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours#idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until#i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12#whatever. whatever#im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/
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sometimes I think about how everyone is so obsessed with how they look and think other peoples' opinions are what determine if they are attractive or not. by that logic, i'm one of the ugliest people to ever exist because i've never, to my memory, had a random person tell me i'm attractive in any way just by looking at me. I've only had people give me pity compliments after I say something like the last sentence lmao. but I don't accept those. I don't want your pity
#lee text#random thoughts with lee#i'm doing fine without being told i'm attractive. be like me. stop complaining about looks ans calling yourself ugly fbbfnjdsnns#i only think people with good personalities are attractive and pretty si if you care so much what others think:#get a better personality LOL#(what i mean by that is work on yourself and stop trying to use physical appearance to get what you want. its weird and wrong)#((wrong in many ways like looks dont last. thats superficial and doesnt matter. beauty is subjective#YOU WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTIVE TO EVERYONE so give up and find a new hobby))#i feel like this will sound super mean to certain people who have what i call Ugly Syndrome (they think theyre ugly and blame failure on it)#but these people never seem to listen to listen to logic and feel bad about themsleves no matter what you say#even if you call them beautiful multiple times a day. so who cares at that point fhdhhdjjsj i cant help them and they annoy me#i guess thats the unempathetic side of my autism coming out. i live on an empathy sliding scale ive come to realize#lee rambles#if this does offend you maybe think about it. really think about how to fix that issue within yourself. i genuinely hope you get better#also people who use “i do it for myself” but its obvious they actually care more about how others see them. you also suck. get well soon.#I dont want anyone replying to this getting offended or well actuallying me or something. either take the tough love or go love yourself#one of the gremlins in this brain doesnt empathy. its me. the unempathetic gremlin. but i still hope you recover quickly.
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good evening to everyone except a certain few fucking anons
#go fuck yourselves like seriously what the fuck#im so sick of this#this is about the last two anons by the way. i havent gotten any more because i turned off anon asks#if you wanna know why anon asks are off blame those two assholes#seriously that stupid shits been getting to my head#you know why? because every fucking person around here (especially my mum) LOVES to criticise me and accuse me of victimising myself#literally every fucking thing i do is wrong around here down to my hair#all these fucking adults like to bully me about MY hair#fuck you if i want bangs I'll keep the bangs#literally it seems like they're just doing whatever they can to change me into someone else. someone they want#this fucking culture of mine is so shitty i swear to god#like they think that BULLYING you is people being honest with you#and that if someone's nice to you theyre shittalking you behind your back#(honestly considering some of the people i see i wouldn't be surprised)#and im not even doing anything thats WRONG either. im different and not one of these people can tolerate that#yeah my mum sent me a video of a goat with curly hair and implied she thinks my bangs are like that. in a derogatory manner btw#so yeah that's had me pissed and then the fucking anons were also making me pissed#fuck you I'm gonna be as selfish as i want when i post on MY blog#this blog is MINE#I decide what i write and how much i wanna shittalk someone who upset me to get my feelings out. if anyone wants to call me selfish fuck you#and you know what? fuck That Person too. they geniunely messed me up more than they helped me#yes. im still gonna talk about them. im still gonna complain because FUCK YOU I NEED TO GET IT OUT SOMEHOW OKAY#I NEED THIS SHIT OUT OF ME AND IT GETS BACK INTO MY HEAD SO I NEED IT OUTSIDE#and fuck you anons who gave your unwanted opinion. if you cant say anything nice SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS#i was taken advantage of and manipulated#and apparently I'm the bad guy for small mistakes like excuse me#and then that person even told a friend of theirs once to attack me (over text) like what#i just cant anymore it needs to be fucking out#and im not sorry for complaining about this because this is my blog and i will complain on here. this blog is for ME. for MY happiness.#and as such i will fucking complain shit and i will fucking post my vents because thats the only way i can send these emotions off for good
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damn I rly have another 4 weeks of holiday this year huh. I should start making some plans
#well maybe more like 3 weeks bc I wanna keep some to use for long weekends or day trips#but thats still kind of a lot..#my problem is i dont wanna take time off just to stay at home bc I do that most weekends. but im not sure I rly wanna go anywhere either#I dont mind travelling but its very much just a function for me. even when im travelling for fun + not bc I Have to it feels no different#Im v independent but I just dont rly have the adventurers spirit. plus im disabled so going new places alone is so stressful sometimes#ugh I dont wanna let my parents catch wind of how much holiday i have tho bc theyll be like come stay with us for a week!#i will Kill Myself no thanks#theyll probs already get christmas with me and thats an ordeal enough#its the expense as well idk how much its worth it. even if i can afford it like that money couldve gone into so many other things#ahhh.#my flatmate did suggest we go somewhere together but i feel like shes gone off that idea.. ik she doesnt get as much holiday anyway#id feel bad eating into it just so she has to spend more time with me even tho we already live together. nightmarish ik#there are maybe some landscapes id like to see but not alone bc id wanna hike but i dont rly have any friends into that kinda hiking#like i cant rly just fuck off into the mountains for a week by myself the risk is stupid#i dont knooooow. maybe ill just do myself a cornwall trip v early or late summer when kids are in school that might be nice#bc its just trains to get there. and ive spent a lot of time alone there before like it wouldnt be as stressful as a New Place entirely#i wanna do a music festival in the summer too but rly id only need 2 days holiday for that. and again i cant rly go alone#so i need to find ppl to convince to come w me#god i feel so lame for not rly wanting to go on proper holidays. but its never felt worth it to me sorry 😭#blame the childhood trauma or whatever#ill stew on it and maybe ill think of something we'll see. ive got a while yet before id need to book stuff anyway#gotta do some more cleaning today but the sooner i can get it done the sooner i can play elden ring 🙏🙏🙏🙏#.diaries
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Having a complicated relationship with your mum is so confusing. It's the knowledge that she taught me the best way to make gravy, how tie my shoes and how to make my bed. But she's also the one that made disparaging comments about my body growing up and is part of the reason I don't want to be a parent myself and why I moved across the country for uni. But she's still my mum and I still find myself wishing I could seek comfort from her when things get a little too hard but the mum I'm longing for doesn't really exist. And I see her in the colour of my eyes and in the way I grit my teeth when I'm angry. She taught me how to do my hair and how to cover up bruises. She's a part of me in all the good and the bad. And there's no way to say you hate someone that doesn't also acknowledge all the good because nothings as ever as black and white as that
#personal#+Extra#i dont know i was making gravy for dinner the way my mum taught me and it got me thinking about how i havent spoken to her in over a week#since she told me that my dad is threatening to kick me out again and i started thinking about the fact im currently at empty student#accommodation for the summer instead of back home like most people anf how part of me feels guilty for that and the other knows im doing#whats best for me and theres a reason i left people keep asking why im so far up north for uni if im from down south and i dont know how to#explain it they look at you a certain way when you say you dont get along with your parents like your an entitled brat that cant see that#theyre just doing whats best for you and theres no way to explain two decades of trauma to someone in a single conversation theres no way#to get them to understand that despite what my parents do and the fact i went as far as i could for uni theyre still my parents and i love#them even when i hate them for everything and although ill being carrying the scars of childhood trauma with me long after ive left them i#cant entirely blame even when i want to they made terrible choice that have shaped me for ever but theyre still people and ill always#resent them for the people they are and the fact they could do better but didnt for us and the fact they fall back into those people like#a bad habit when i spend to long at home in a way that makes feel like theres something wrong with me specifically will always sit with me#but for now im stood in my kitchen making sheppards pie thinking of the way my mum used to make it and the tension that used to hang over#the dining table while we ate and how now my parents dont even eat in the same room and im grateful my little siblings will never know#that side of our parents but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt every time i see a reflection of my parents in myself and wish i could cut it out
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having a midlife crisis atm i think i might start reading [redacted] this is rly scary for me keep me in your thoughts
#i dont know yet. i might not#its been tempting me lately ............ which is weird bc ive never much been interested in the genre like at all its just been sticking i#my head like fungus lately. We will see i suppose#im blaming like 8 of my oomfies for this#rly not that big a deal if i do ig its not like a bad thing im just confused as to why ive recently become interested in it. it was like i#saw one post and its not like the first post ive even seen abt it i see them always but i saw one and then i went in the tags for ages and#i just have been thinking abt it non-stop....#i havent like spoiled myself for anything idt ive been like passively spoiled for years bc its hard to avoid. i cant elaborate anymore.....#IDK im just confused bc like i said ive never much cared for [genre] aside from like ... [well known example of movie in genre]...... and i#have like known abt it my whole life obviously im just very confused. this post isnt vague enough its probably quite obvious#yep thats right im reading. um. fahrenheit 451. joke#that was assigned reading once i think its the first assigned reading ever where i didnt read it but that was bc it was like. it was so#weird how that teacher did the assignments bc they didnt Hand out the books they just like . expected ppl to read them on their free time ?#like none of us received the books sometimes on google classrooms theyd post A chapter of the graphic novel version#and the assignments were all rly unclear and like. Idk maybe i was stupid but i remember talking abt it with my friends back then and nobod#knew what was going on At all#and it wasnt like. they didnt post every chapter on google classroom itd be like. an excerpt from chapter 13 and then chapter 5 and then on#page from 24 and then wed go in and the questions were abt chapter 8 like. it was rly confusing#all those chapters or we r made up idr. ots all quite fuzzy#but yeah. so despite being assigned it kn class and i think passing i genuinely know absolutely nothing abt f451 aside from i used to get i#mixed up w 1984 alllll the time and i still do a bit. but 1984 is the one with bigbrother and f451 is um. bookburning ... i assume#sry i sound rly stupid . im not trying to diminish them or anything i just dk#also when i say midlife crisis yes i know typically 19 is not considered the middle of your life and it prolly isnt for me lol. but im#saying midlife 1 as a joke 2 it could be like Amid life which could be like any point during my life it could be if i turned 70 and had a#crisis itd still be mid life#and rly if you consider it as like. life is everything between birth and death then its all in the middle of tour life bc the middle is jus#thing in between those 2 things ok#sry ive always found it mildly annoying and also quarter life crisis sounds stupid and my ass is not living to#76 are you kiddingggg. 50s at the latest most likely#<- not planning anything or like not wanting to grow old i just have exclusive info others dont have (cant talk abt it LOL) abt that stuff
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i see many people saying they want fandoms to be like they used to, cringy and stupid, and while I do agree with that I think some are not remembering some things extremely normalized in mainstream fandoms just 7, 8 or 10 years ago.
Some of the most influential people in anime spaces, who also created content and even some organized events (with no age restrictions), were fucking perverts with a disgusting morality. Idk about other contexts, but in my case introducing yourself to anime bc you liked the cute drawings ended up becoming dangerous, with those guys teaching harmful stuff and making jokes over serious topics (usually, racism, lgbt+phobia, femicides and basically any form of paraphilia im not even exaggerating).
The far right was there, sex offenders were there, and they were so popular... I dont think people are remembering these things, and it makes me feel weird when I see those posts, or when people act like they have never seen something like that before.
I understand how annoying it is to see basically "normal" people taking fandom spaces and hating them for what they are (silly, playing with dolls basically), but can we please remember how creators would normalize sexualizing characters and scenarios? For my autistic ass it was like mandatory to accept it even if it confused me as a child (im one of those who got into anime very young, I wish I and others didn't tbh), im talking about those levels of normalized. And tbh, it didn't really matter if you were a man or not, in the demographics for girls there were extremely harmful dynamics and normalization of assault.
Like- im still working on unlearning all this shit because I literally trained myself to be attractive to those guys from a young age until very recently (less consciously in the last years, but still finding my own value in appealing to them even if they actually disgust me)! AND I DONT EVEN LIKE GUYS GAHGHGH
Of course not all creators were like that, and basically starting in social media, specifically YouTube, meant subjecting yourself to the far right but in super casual ways sometimes -like gamers. Again, idk about other contexts, but here those guys ended up being lgbt+phobic, even when they tried to appeal to LGBT+ young audiences, really racist, violent towards women, sex offenders and endorsing the far right. And none of them were that young when they started, many were 25 and now in their late 30s are still fucking disgusting and are still making content for young audiences.
Like... these thing still happen, and they are teaching young people to ignore their own ideas and feelings to follow theirs, because how could they ever be bad, how could they ever wish harm upon innocent ppl?
(Does this count as grooming when the content creator tried to do this to their whole audience and ends up affecting ppl even years later? I genuinely ask, I feel so pathetic needing to unlearn seeing myself like that for the longest time fjsjxfksjfksjl)
I hate dudebros bc of this, but also lets not forget any anime space was like that, including the "queer spaces" (honestly, just the yuri and yaoi sides; in yuri you found content for men mainly, even if it looks sfw and cute. In yaoi it was for women who couldn't see themselves represented in hetero media but still wanted to see kind hetero media, and there were many disgusting topics normalized in these spaces).
Old fandom spaces had good things, but also rotten stuff. I think we should work into creating fun fandoms in the present instead of romanticizing nostalgia.
#grrr talking#grrr feels#I know those posts arent about these things#and of course they dont romanticize all of that shit#but still feels strange to me to see them#I wanted to express myself a little bit#I get triggered I guess#I remember forcing myself to see things like they did and it being super weird fsjdfjasdfl -like “oh this person has the body these guys li#like and I should aspire to have bc its hot. I dont like seeing this person like that its just wrong" fjklsfkldjfkld#or falling in love with a girl and being completely incapable of seeing her in the way they see sex and girls#I FUCKING DOUBTED FOR THE LONGEST TIME I EVEN LIKED WOMEN BC I CANT LIKE THEIR SEXUALIZATION#FUCKING KILL ME AAAAAAA#SOMEONE GIVE ME CUTE SFW HONEST QUEER MANGA#AND SOMEONE GIVE ME QUEER SEX EDUCATION THEY JUST TOLD US ASEXUALITY WASNT REAL AND SHOWED US STDs#I JUST REALIZED MONTHS AGO YOU HAVE TO LIKE GUYS TO THINK YOU LIKE GUYS LIKE-#I BLAME ALL FORM OF MEDIA + MY PARENTS FOR THIS AAAAAAAAA#IM A LESBIAN NONBINARY MONSTER WHO PRETENDED TO BE A STRAIGHT WEEB GIRL#I FEEL LIKE FUCKING JENNIFER'S BODY (im the demon <3)#SHE DID NOTHING WRONG SHE WAS A VICTIM SHE WAS JUST A GIRL#i am. oversharing. well.#GIVE ME LESBIAN AND OTHER QUEER SHOWS THAT ARE HONEST AND I CAN RELATE TO#GIVE ME 30 YEAR OLDS FIGURING OUT THEIR IDENTITIES#FUCK IT GIVE ME 60 YEAR OLDS LEARNING THEY ARE QUEER
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me an my sister have so many parallels to ccrime its scaring me. i learned nothing.
#i was explainjng to my mum how i push her away and be rude to her so she doesnt like me and cant be hurt by me#and then i Realized#or maybe i Realized first and then i said itbc my brain does that sometimes where i copy someone elses (even a characters) behavior#even if i know its bad (especially tbh)#it might be self destructive might be attention seeking who knows#probably both#its really Fucked Me Up bc i dont know what is actually Wrong with me and what i copied from someone else#but what i copied still effects me#and sometimes ill learn about a New Unhealthy Thing and start seeing signs of it in myself#and i have to play this little game where i have to guess if im copying it or if ive had it this whole time and i just noticed the symptoms#bc now i know that theyre symptoms of something#and also the mental disorders in my genes.#i cant really blame them on a specific event or person like most people can and it makes me doubt if i even feel this way or if im faking#if anybody can help me in anyway tbatd be really helpful thanks#just some advice on how to Be Normal about my Emotions could work#god i wish i could just stop feeling for a little bit#physically. emotionally. spiritually even#i just want a break
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Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.
This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.
You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.
For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.
White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.
Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.
Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.
The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.
There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.
The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"
You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.
Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.
Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.
Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.
If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.
If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.
When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".
#I'm still so young and ignorant#but I wish someone had told ME these things before I had to learn them#And now when shit goes south and everything is over and calm again the same things just roll though my head#Over and over and over#It's like everyone I meet has the same 3 problems and its ruining their lives#I just want to take everyone I meet by the shoulders and shake them#I KNOW why this is happening to you#Do you realize you can be better?#Do you realize you can do it?#Aren't you terrified of wasting your life like this?#*I* want to be happier#*I* used to be so much worse than I am#And I don't have it all figured out#But if we all decide to help ourselves then it'll be that much easier to help each other#Right?#It's so hard to lift dead weight#You need to kick against the waves with me#You need to WANT to float#Do you understand#Ugh it's 6am#This has been your overdramatic midnight ramble#Imma grill me a cheese and go back to bed#Blaurfhgh
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Forced Freak
Tyson was a uni drop out, nothing special about him other than his pretty face and dedication to his diet. He had no real hobbies and no real friends. The only reason people paid him any real attention was because of his body. However guys got pretty turned off after a one night stand with him when they'd wake up and Tyson would have written them critiques about how to improve their bodies and performance in the bedroom.
Tyson was the worst kind of gym bro, not because he had no real personality, but because he was an asshole with no real personality, in fact when he wasn't coming home from the gym, taking selfies in the mirror or scrolling on grinder for someone to bounce on his waist he spent a large portion of his time staring in the mirror admiring his own perfection.
"fuck yeah, I'm probably the hottest guy alive" he'd say as he rubbed his own crotch.
His arrogant attitude had essentially transformed him into a self obsessed autosexual, whilst he enjoyed sex and having a guy put in all the work whilst he laid back in pleasure he still preferred a night to himself and his mirror.
Tyson flexed his arm one last time, admiring the perfection before him before he turned off his alarm and got up to go to the gym.
"well, I'll see you when I get home handsome" he said winking at his own reflection and snapping his underwear band.
He threw on the folded red tank top and black gym shorts he had lying on his dresser, the ones he had steamed the night before. As he walked out the door he picked up his glass from his morning water and placed it neatly in the dishwasher before turning it on and leaving for the gym.
Upon arriving at the gym Tyson walked into the welcome area where he found 3 tall bodybuilders lined up at the key scanner. Tyson rolled his eyes and tried to avoid contact with them, he hated those freaks. The guys who willingly chose to inflate themselves with disgusting amounts of muscle. Who could barely fit in their cars and he huffed and sweat like bovine beasts when they got on the treadmill.
Tyson quickly got impatient and began tapping his foot as the 3 meatheads were holding up the line.
"are you beasts gonna scan in or am I just waiting here all day"
The three turned their heads to them almost in unison
"yoo you think we are beasts huhu" one flexed his enormous bicep that dwarfed Tyson's head
"hey Ty, what up lil dude. Wanna hit bench with us today? we we can help you grow that chest"
Tyson was disgusted at the thought of working out with the three of them and smelling their terrible stench or listening to them heaving for air.
"no thanks, its hard to improve upon perfection" Tyson said with a smirk
"aw come on dude, you can always improve and get bigger, you aint even close to your limit"
"and I dont want to be" Tyson said with a disgusted frown and one raised eyebrow
There was a loud ding and the three bodybuilders began waddling and shuffling their way through the electronic gate into the gym, having to turn sideways slightly to get their hulking frames in the turn gate.
"This is what I mean" laughed Tyson
"haha, can't blame us for being absolute units man"
"But doesn't it annoy the fuck out of you being like that?"
"no way bro, being this big is fucking awesome"
the three bodybuilders all began laughing and flexing
"I'm sorry I really dont see how turning myself into a...freak would be awesome"
There was a dead silence as the three bodybuilders stopped laughing and turned to him.
"that's a bit of a harsh word bro"
"yeah man don't diss the hobby coz you aint into it"
Tyson smirked flicking as he polished his fitness watch with the edge of his jumper "dude I dont think anyone is into it"
"what the fuck is that supposed to mean"
"umm being so big you have no style because you cant fit into anything, constantly covered in sweat marks, you reek after just a few minutes of exercise, you gulp down water like an elephant who hasn't drunk in a year, can barely fit in your cars and take up so much space, plus I like when guys find me attractive and aren't grossed out by my monstrous body" Tyson turned his back placing his gym bag in the locker completely unaware that the three men he had just insulted looked so red their heads could pop with anger.
"I'LL LET YOU KNOW MY HUSBAND LOOOOVVVEEESSS MY SIZE" the bodybuilder in the middle yelled through his teeth
"whoooaa jayce" the two others said in unison as they grabbed him by the chest and stopped him taking a step forward
"don't shoot the messenger buddy but Im pretty sure your husband wouldn't be disappointed if you lost 30-40lsb of muscle, pretty sure he'd enjoy date night without sitting across from a behemoth stuffing himself so full of protein like a slob"
Jayce threw his arms up in the air and pushed his two friends off of him turning around and walking away.
Tyson ignored the interaction implying pulling his towel and drink bottle out of his gym bag.
"You know what you need Ty..."
"and what's that Mark?" Tyson tiredly asked rolling his eyes
"A real good bulk, make ya real big, that'll change your mind" Mark smirked looking at his friend who was smiling back.
"whatever" Tyson groaned as he walked off into the gym.
---
A few hours had passed and Tyson was in the changing room admiring himself after his workout. It was enough to pump him to that perfect spot where he looked just slightly bigger and was a little sore, but not enough to make him sweat or stimulate the sort of growth a lot of gym guys were after.
Tyson flexed one bicep and ran his other hand down his thigh feeling himself get hard.
"Oh yeah handsome, just wait till I get you in my bed" He smirked at his own reflection.
Just then he heard the sound to the changing rooms open, his hand quickly shot up from his thigh, not wanting anyone to see his moment of lust.
He watched in the mirror as Jayce rounded the corner, his massive and wide shoulders causing him to bump into subway tiled wall. A massive smile lit up on Jayce's face as he saw Tyson standing there.
"Yep" Jayce yelled out
Dylan quickly followed behind and began walking towards Tyson, not that he thought much of it.
"Grab his left Dylan?"
"No worried Jayce"
Tyson was shocked as the two hulking bodybuilders suddenly grabbed hold of his arms and used what felt like all of their strength to sandwich him between them.
"h-HEY WHAT THE FUCK GET OFF" Tyson struggled and squirmed to get out of there grip but it felt like he was being pressed between two stone walls, he was unable to do anything other than pathetically kick his legs.
Just then Tyson heard the door to the changing rooms lock as Mark rounded the corner.
"Mark!, tell your fucking boys to let me go!"
The three bodybuilder's laughed as Mark walked closer holding a strange metal container in his hand that resembled a protein shaker.
"Hey lil dude" Said Mark with a big smirk across his face
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THREE WANT" Tyson snapped.
"to prove you wrong man" Jayce whispered
'w-what" Tyson continued to flounder and squirm to no avail
"you said being a bodybuilder sucked, well we are gonna prove you wrong" Dylan smirked tightly squeezing Tyson's arms
"h-how, Im not gonna start bodybuilding because you three threaten me"
"oh there is no threat bud, we have got something we want to try but dont know about the side effects wanna test it"
"ARE YOU GONNA JAB MY ASS FULL OF ROIDS" Tyson squeaked pathetically
"no dude, of course not" Said Mark
"we already know the side effects to roids" laughed Jayce
Mark grabbed onto Tyson's perfect hair and forcefully pulled his head back, Tyson couldn't see but he felt Jayce wrap his giant muscular arm around his pinning his between Jayce's bulky bicep and forearm and grabbing his cheeks forcing his jaw open.
"bottoms up pretty boy" Mark said as he flicked the cap off the contained with his thumb and shoved the mouth piece into Tyson's mouth.
"MMMMM -MMMM -MMMMMMM!!!!!!" Tyson tried to yell but his mouth was full of a strange thick liquid.
Mark dropped the contained and grabbed Tyson's nose still forcing the container to his lips
"gotta drink if you wanna breathe buddy"
Tyson couldn't hold it any longer
GULP...GULP...GULP.....GULP
Tyson sucked down what was in his mouth and what continued to pour from the container, when the last drop was drunk and all he could taste was air the three bodybuilders all let go in unison and Tyson dropped to the ground gasping for air.
"How long does it take to work Mark?"
"errr container says a few minutes for a start and a week for full effects"
Tyson couldn't concentrate on what the three were talking about, his body began to feel like it was being super heated, like his muscles and bones were being fried into pudy.
Tyson's hand began to tremble, as he looked at it pressed against the cold tiled floor he noticed his thumb enlarging, getting longer and thicker, it spread to all his fingers and his hand, at first he thought it was an allergic reaction but it wasn't puffy or fat, it was hard solid and defined, like all the muscles in his hands were suddenly expanding, he watched as his handed swelled up to the size of dinner plates as veins in his arms and forearms pumped in sync with his heart beat.
His forearms stared growing outwards and he felt his already tight and pumped biceps ache as they swelled even bigger. Seeing his reflection in the mirror he looked like a bad art project as different parts of his body were swelling with size and different times, his shoulders got wider as his calves got bigger, his pecs inflated as his feet grew out of his shoes, his abs bloated into a semi roid gut as his quads quickly filled with blood, and his ass pumped up into a big meaty globe as his traps crept up his back swallowing his necks.
after just a few minutes the three bodybuilders were stunned looking down at the sweaty bulky mess that was Tyson on the floor of the changing room.
Tyson had watched the whole thing in the mirror but still he couldn't recognise himself, what had happened, what they did to him.
He looked like one of them, a bodybuilder.
"w-what did you do to me" Tyson moaned, out of breath and out of energy
"damn, he got huge so quick, and he still has a week to go?"
"please, no, no bigger, turn me back"
the three bodybuilders began to have a conversation around Tyson like he wasn't even there as he tried to pick himself up off the floor. A few minutes passed and Tyson finally stood up. He felt uncomfortable, muscles he didn't even know where near each other rubbed up against each other like every aspect of his body was fighting for space.
Tyson looked at himself horrified in the mirror at the big bulky freak he had become.
"oh fuck..m..my perfect body" he turned to the three men behind him "please, please you gotta turn me back"
"you still got a week of growin left bud" Mark replied
"PLEASE I CAN'T GET BIGGER"
Jayce smirked trying to contain his laughter
"Look dude, we said we were gonna show you how being a bodybuilder is awesome, let it go for a week and we'll check back in and if you still hate it, we'll turn you back"
Tyson turned back to his reflection and flexed, freaked out by his bicep being larger than his own head.
"see, its already awesome, see you later dude"
The three bodybuilders started walking out of the changing room
"no WAIT!!"
Tyson ran over to his bag feeling the weight of his new body with every step and feeling his hard muscles bounce. He leant over and swung his bag over his shoulder. He watched as the door closed behind the three and he ran to catch up. Every step was a chore, it was like an entire workout for just one leg to hold up the weight of his new massive body.
By the time he reached the door Tyson doubled over gasping for air, he placed his giant meaty hand on the wall and slid down the the floor, he had only run a few feet but it felt like he had just done and three hours of cardio without a break, he felt the sweat running down his back and struggled to come up with a reason anyone would want to be this big, why guys would dedicate their lives to become titans.
it took 15 minutes, for Tyson to catch his breath and stand up again and by the time that happened the three he was after were already gone, he walked through the gym defeated hoping nobody would recognise him. He made it to the turn gate and as he went to go through he felt a hard pressing against his shoulders. Not at all used to his new size Tyson hadn't adjusted the angle that he approached the gate and found himself stuck between the two steel bars. Tyson pushed with his back leg but didn't realise the power behind his colossal quads as he easily pushed himself out but he couldn't stop the moment and he came tumbling forward face first onto the floor in front and multiple gym attendants.
"woah, you okay big guy" one of them asked,
Tyson looked up and saw the other two doing their best not to laugh.
"yeah I'm fine!" Tyson tried to get up as fast as he could but the sheer weight of his frame meant it was an awkward step by step process that took almost a whole minute.
Tyson quickly raced out the doors as fast as his could but once again misjudged his giant muscles and his two shoulders slammed into the automatic doors not realising they weren't wide enough for him. A loud bang rang out and Tyson looked back as the glass automatic doors wobbled and shook, and ounce more pressure and they would have surely crashed down around him.
Tyson waddled through the car park desperate to get to his car. Swinging open the door he quickly realised why he had never seen a bodybuilder in a sleek sports car, he didn't fit, just one leg stepped in and there wasn't any more room for him to squeeze in. He tried everything, moving the seat back, moving the wheel up, but still he didn't fit. After about 10 minutes of doing everything he could think of to get in he just decided to force his way in.
Sliding into the car he felt cramped, and when he closed the driver's door it bounced off his arm and swung back open denting the car next to him. Tyson tried again leaning all the way into his car and shutting the door. It shut but as he sat back up he found himself on an awkward angle to the wheel, he tried to adjust himself to roll down the window so he could stick his arm out and get more space but as he placed his arm down on the leather seat to push his own body out the way he heard a loud tearing. His clothes didn't feel loser and he couldn't see what had torn but it sounded bad...
When Tyson arrived home he squeezed himself out of his car, it felt like being freed from a sardine can but as he turned around to shut his door he had found the source of the tearing noise from earlier, in the centre of the seat, directly under where he was, was now a large split right down the leather, seats that cost over a thousand dollars to fix split apart like paper, and that wasn't the worst of it, he looked at the lower back of the seat to see how the leather had warped and swollen from the amount of sweat that had been pressed against it.
"AW MAN" Tyson moaned slammed his car door, not realising the force his arms were able to put behind it and as the door lodged into place his hand carried the momentum behind it straight into the metal of the car leaving a large dent from his palm.
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME"
Tyson stormed over to his front door just wanting the day to end. He pulled up his keys to the front door and fumbled for a few minutes as he struggled to sort though them with his massive meaty fingers, finally he got in the door and shut it behind him as gently as he could which still resulted in a slam.
His stomach let out a loud groan, he had never felt so hungry so sudden in his life, Tyson tried to walk to the kitchen but realised it was more of a waddle has his massive muscular thighs slammed into each other. Arriving in front of his fridge he opened it up and grabbed one of his already made meals out and placed it in the microwave to heat up. He watched in spinning round and heard his stomach grumble as the 2 minutes felt like an entirety. Finally he heard the beep and opened up the microwave to devour his meal. What normally would have left him feeling full for hours didn't even make a dent in his hunger. Tyson opened up his fridge and moved on to his next meal without even heating it up, then another, then a protein shake to wash it down, then another meal and a couple apples, along with a banana or two, and of course he had to pull some of the muffins out of the freezer to defrost to have a bit later.
Tyson sat on his couch, feeling groggy and finally full. He looked around him, plates, protein shakers, wrappers and plastic containers were spread out all over his lounge room from the floor to the coffee table. He felt so heavy he didn't want to get up, he just wanted to pass out on his couch and go to sleep. As his eyes began to drift close...
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
The loudest belch he had ever heard forced him to jolt awake.
"aw fuc-uuuuUUURRPPP, this place is a mess"
Tyson finally realised he had trashed his lounge room in his feeding frenzy, he got up to try and clean but he didn't get very far. His body was so massive it was hard to move between his furniture and it was hard for him to constantly bend down to pick stuff up. On his second trip back from the kitchen to clean the last of the mess he finally noticed where he had been sitting, and the enormous sweat patch pressed into the fabric.
He pulled his tight tank top out from his body realising it looked like he had never washed it in his life.
"god, I need a fucking shower"
He made his way down the hall to the bathroom where he was shocked by his own reflection. He knew he had been turned into a hulking behemoth but, he looked like a completely different person now. His tank top was tight and clung to his body as his pecs hung out the sides. It was covered in sweat patches and strains from spilt protein shakes and food. His face was covered in a coat of sweat and his hair was oiler than he'd ever seen before. Tyson's gut churned as he let out another belch. He suddenly felt a tightness in his pants and he got hard.
"what the fuck..."
Tyson lifted up one arm to flex his bicep, he watched the sweat running down from his pits to his lats, he swallowed a quick gulp of air expecting maybe a small burp but was greeted with a massive room shaking belch. Tyson couldn't help it, he got rock solid staring at his sweaty body and hearing his own manly belching.
He worked his hand down awkwardly to his dick and started to pleasure himself.
He couldn't work it out, he missed his perfect body, he missed his old self, he was grossed out by being such a freak but god he was too horny to not please himself.
Right before his big moment he felt a wave of heat surge out into his body, his clothes felt tighter and suddenly the left strap of his tank top snapped as his shoulder, pec and arm practically doubled in size.
"AAH NO, NO NOT AGAIN"
Tyson watched as his dirty tank was torn to shreds by his growing body. His shorts felt tighter and tighter, soon he felt the sound of ripping fabric. As he turned to the side to inspect his growing legs he saw as his muscled ass split his pants in the back and the fabric quickly tore through making his shorts look like a bad loin clothe prop from a Halloween costume.
"OH FUCK NO, STOP, STOP AHHHH"
Tyson could only watch as his body continued to rapidly grow in the mirror...
--------------
3 weeks later
Tyson leant back on the workout bench groaning and gasping for air. It was the most he had ever lifted, not that he wanted to get bigger but it was the only thing he could do with his day at this point.
He heard the noise of 3 guys cheering as Mark, Jayce and Dyaln approached him.
"HEY BIG MAN" Said Mark
"oh great, what do you guys want"
"relax big guy, just wanted to bring you a snack" Dylan laughed as he pulled out a paper bag of drive through crispy chicken and handed it to Tyson.
"Dont forget to wash it down" said Jayce handing him a protein shake
Tyson didn't have the will power to hold back, his new muscle and size burnt so much fuel from simple existing he was practically starving constantly. He immediately reached into the bag and started eating as much as he could as fast as he could, washing it down with a swig of the protein shake, only taking breaks to gasp for air.
A river of chocolate protein ran down his cheek and dripped onto his XXXL tank top, which looked more like a medium crop top on him.
A young handsome gym attendant walked over to the group with a smile on his face.
"hey guys, just a reminder, you can't eat like that in here save it for outside okay" He smiled as he looked straight into Tyson's eyes.
Tyson's mind was racing, this guy was the most handsome guy he had ever seen in his life, we wanted to apologise for being such a slob, hell, he wanted to ask the guy on a date.
Tyson rubbed the crumbs and protein from his mouth away with the back of his hand and opened his mouth. Immediately he gritted his teeth and almost by instinct at this point cocked the side of his mouth open.
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPP!!
Tyson couldn't help but belch and burp as he struggled to get a word out.
"bro..that's nasty" the gym attendant laughed as he walked away.
Mark, Jayce and Dylan all erupted with laughter.
"DUUUUUUDDEEEE" yelled Dylan
"You aren't gonna get a date like that dude I tell you that" laughed Jayce
"They probably wouldn't date him even if he didn't burp every couple of minutes, I mean who wants to date a bodybuilder freak right guys" Mark laughed as he rubbed Tyson's shoulders
"Yeah, you're right Mark, nobody wants a freak like Tyson" Dylan chuckled.
Tyson couldn't control it, the sound of their laughter, the way the three called him a freak and a slob. His dick got hard and he felt as a mixture of pre and cum leaked into his underwear.
They were never going to change him back, he was going to be stuck as this good for nothing muscle pig, forever....
he threw himself back down on the bench..
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP
#male transformation#muscle#muscle transformation#male tf#tf story#transformation#gay transformation#musk#muscle morph
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damn are u me bc SAME (unfortunately)) and it's kinda eating me alive bc one of them has this super awesome bf that really cares about her and is putting in the effort to show it and yeah I'm happy for her bc she deserves the world but also I sometimes think about how I've always been alone and haven't even kissed yet and I'm like. am i not pretty or interesting enough for someone to put effort in?? and i feel bad about feeling envious lol but it's ok
FORREAAAALLLLL like god i love my friends i am happy for them but after having two like supremely toxic relationships its just like. well when will it be my fucking turn huh. and i FEEL u on the kiss thing bc neither have i <3 and ive definitely been pitied for it too.. YAY.
but like. ok maybe this is toxic maybe not but. i think being envious is ok? just as long as its kept in check. like you dont Ruin your friendship over the envy. is that toxic am i cancelled.
#like on one hand i am SOOOOOOOOO sick of seeing u guys be happy but also like. i keep that shit inside i dont take it out on anyone bc its#immature and childish and wrong. but my feelings are something i cant control yk? and on the other hand its like FUUUUUUUUCK YES I AM SO#HAPPY THAT U ARE HAPPY YESSSSSSSS TELL ME EVERYTHING!! and its just a very weird war for me to be waging. by myself. in my mind palace#like. my second gf wasnt great to me. my recent ex was DEFINITELY not good to me. the weird fling i had w a guy last year when i had an#identity crisis left me feeling used (if u know. well. u know.) so its like. am i just not fucking deserving ? am i not deserving of#something nice that feels like coming home? that reminds me i didnt even get to have closure on my last crush bc it was fucking spearheaded#by my fucking ex and well THEYRE still friends go fucking figure fuck you guys#like the last time i truly felt loved was back in 2019. im so serious. like. i know im loved platonically sure. thats great and i love you#guys too. but this cant sustain me. im getting lonely and im getting bitter and i dont have anyone to blame. like. not even myself. which#SUCKS. it SO SUCKS. like . i dont know. i want something real before i die. i dont have a lifespan like you guys. my condition will#literally probably kill me. and like. im gonna die not knowing true love. thats where im at. thats kinda what im reminded of seeing all my#friends this happy. because they live normal lives. i dont even feel like i Deserve love but i want it so bad#did you know my ex when we like first started dating was like what am i gonna do when you die. what would i tell the kids. like you just#fucking say that to someone you love? you make the fact that their disability will likely kill them into a problem YOU have to face?#do you see what i mean. i just want to feel wanted. without conditions#snail mail#lol i made myself cry. im so hot hot girl summer (chokes)
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I feel like a lot of my friends have a tendency to see me as the human irl equivalent of their 'sad blorbo'- I can do no wrong, I must be protected, I am so anxious and sad and need help and obviously I am never at fault in any situation. This is partially my fault, I do choose what parts of myself I show to people, but like... im 1) literally just a person who can be not great sometimes and 2) very capable of hurting people both on purpose and out of fear/unintentionally (as unintentional as a cornered animal biting someone whos trying to save it from the corner). Im fine with it but it does mean that their advice for me tends to be 'wow that other person must suck so much!! Whats their number so I can yell at them' or 'oh my god your mom sucks and your household is abusive I hope she dies' and its like. That is not in fact the whole picture. Obvs I dont make the whole picture particularly clear to people but like. You know me. I am violent and angry and I target people aggressively, and even when im not going after someone to take my anger out I still have the muscle memory of saying something to get into a fight, to start something, to hurt people. I am often literally just. The problem. Again like not entirely, ofc my family situation isnt my fault, but when Im taking responsibility for a situation or something falling apart people tend to just start very stubbornly defending me to myself. I get that they think its just self hatred but I promise my self hatred is very obvious and its not 'hey I fucked up, advice?'
everyone around me has the unfortunate condition of Believing Everything I Say About People and therefore they always end up 1) wanting to murder my mother and 2) getting hella pissed at my actual close friends bc they interpret me being too scared of them to tell them about my issues and taking it entirely upon myself to fix our problems as something THEYVE done instead of me just being a bit of a mess
#I think part of this is my friends having trouble seeing nuance or understanding things in terms that arent black and white#Since I am not at fault for how I am#I must not be at fault for what I do#And since I hate myself and blame myself for things that arent my fault#Nothing must ever actually be my fault#Even if I am completely clear headed and taking responsibility for it#Like. Yeah. It is literally impossible for me to heal and seriously improve in my current home environment#Doesnt mean I get a free pass for sucking sometimes!! I still suck! When I could be not sucking!!#And guess what?? It is in fact my fault a lot of the time!#Doesnt make me a bad person just makes me a real person#Even though I cant heal I can find systems to make myself less harmful to others#Even though my teeth will not fall out I can find ways to not let myself bite#Muzzles might suck but its only two years and its better than a mauled arm or death of sepsis
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I dont know why I had this vision of clora riding a scooter, like a cute light blue one with italy vibes, like a vespa, and sebastian panicking behind her LMAO
I SEE THE VISION AS WELL...idk how shes on a vespa tho since they werent invented yet so lets just assume theres time-turner shenanigans going on LMAO
but also anon this request was so funny to me because the SAME day you sent me it, i also got this one on twitter:
TRULY THE DUALITY OF MAN IS AT PLAY HERE!!! LMAOO debauchery vs wholesomeness...and it made me laugh so much
(and for anyone curious yes i WILL also be honouring the other request......eventually👀)
@jstfndmthngs splitting your ask into 2 again bc its a CHONKER but I LOVED READING IT🥹🥹 "how much they love each other to the abnormal level that i envy" LMAOO THATS FANFICTION FOR YOU, BABY!!😍 also YESS interacting with my readers in the comments was my fav parts of writing a lot of the time, and im SOOO grateful to the ppl who commented bc without them the story would have turned out DRASTICALLY DIFFERENT. like, i know there are some people who write the entirety of their fanfic and then upload it in chunks, but if i had done that/written my story in a vacuum and hadnt incorporated any of my readers ideas/suggestions it would have been SOOOO much worse honestly LMAO. like, not even necessarily putting their requests or ideas in my fic, but even sometimes just reading a comment that would say something like "i cant wait to see how clora/seb reacts to..." would make me think...oh. i was never planning on even showing their reaction to that. but now that they say that, good point, i definitely need to include that LOL. so yeah even just little stuff like that was SUPER important to my writing process and my story and helped me keep in mind what people wanted to see/things i may have missed or glossed over if i'd been writing by myself, but i also just loved getting comments in general bc i loved reading them and they were so motivating🥹 BUT THANK U SO MUCH IM GLAD U LIKED MY STORY/SEB & CLORA SO MUCH, AND TY FOR SHARING ALL YOUR THOUGHTS WITH ME!!🥹💖💖 im lowkey the same way... i cant read any other fics rn bc im still too attached to seb/clora BAHAHA so i still need to give it some time before i delve into other HL fics (i even downloaded a program that will let me replace names so that i can replace the mc's name with clora's LMFAOOOO THATS HOW MENTALLY ILL I AM ABOUT THEM!!😭😭DONT COME FOR ME🏃♀️🏃♀️🚓)
omg...i already love unlocking kinks in people but for it to be specifically seb x clora is even more of an honour BAHAHA omg i love that....but i get it too. clora is submissive and breedable af😍LMAOO (im sorry💀that wasnt me just now that was seb blame him)
@acrenna MERRY LATE CHRISTMAS AND ALSO LATE HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! this is so sweet THANK YOU SO MUCH😭😭im happy my story was able to get you out of your reading slump!! (and hopefully will continue to, with my oneshot im slowly but surely working on😩) BUT THANK YOU AGAIN I APPRECIATE YOU SM🥹🥹💖
@misskkfritz you actually arent the first to say this and i also saw a pinterest comment on my art say this........FELLAS DO I NEED TO WATCH GILMORE GIRLS NOW🤔🤔🤔
#ask#i always wanted a vespa because of zoey 101 DOES ANYONE REMEMBER THOSE THINGS THEY RODE i was so jealous LMFAO#also i think all fanfic writers should be able to give themselves amnesia at least once so we can read our fics and enjoy them as a reader#bc they are literally MADE for us and have all the stuff we like in them#EVERYBODY GETS ONE(1)#vote me in as president. as your first canadian president this will be my first decree. we'll figure it out
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