#DONT COME @ ME THERES A KEEP READING THING
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Someone killed my boss last night and he sent me this I'm so fired
god I can't wait to make this comic.
#not me making a prelaunch link so I can share it on art of them that I do and then immediately being like hm#feels kind of weird to link a comic that doesnt exist yet#HAHAHAHAH#theres just no pleasing me#oh well I'll stick to my guns. I thought about it a long time#and doing things that feel weird is kind of the name of the game when it comes to making art#we were legion#zagan#this is so funny to me#its like not even that funny but#I love him. idk I think because I know what the comic is gonna be like stuff like this is 1 million times funnier to me#he sucks so bad and it would suck to read if he were the only one in the comic but because luciel is also there#then its just funny. cause juxtaposition#I love luciel too but theyre less good for standalone drawings and memes without comic context#so my brains like erm... theres nothing there....#also my tags are bugging out when I type them on the ocmputer idk how to explain whats happening but its kind of annoying#jumping around all over the place. makes it hard to read while I'm typing them. its fine#if theres typos its cause somethings going weird with my computer#lately when I've opened firefox its just shaking all over the place#til I alt tab out of it and back to it. I have straight up no idea why#and my internet has been bugging out. the LAN connection keeps flickering and then going out...??#YES I switched the ethernet cable connecting the modem and the router NO I dont know whats going on#I dont wanna deaaaaaal wiiiithhh customer serviceeee its fine. I'll do it later if switching the coax cable doesnt help#uh. anyways none of that matters cause I can still make my fuckin comics babeyyy#as long as I've got my comics. I'm good. though it is annoying when I cant look up references or spelling of words cause I do that constant#but its fine!#love I can draw without internet I dont even notice when it goes out sometimes aughajkghagj#anyways I'm super excited about this comic and if you're intereted theres a presave link now so#yeay#I'll post places other than webtoon but I'm just doing webtoon early so TTA readers can switch over easier
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I need people to realize how horrible 'stalking/constant surveillance/breaking into each other's homes is how the Batfamily show love' is. Like i really need someone to just acknowledge how horrific saying this bullshit is.
Like even fics where they're shown as happy and healthy and with good ties, you've always got this thing where none of them have privacy or any boundaries with each other. Which is directly antithetical to actually having good relationships. And this invasion via hacking and stalking and breaking into homes is portrayed as a positive, good thing; it's just how they show love and care to each other, after all. But for some reason I just personally don't find stalking, lack of privacy or boundaries, and emotional manipulation funny, endearing, or healthy, and just end up disgusted at the attempt to sweep it all under the rug.
#my dc posting#dc#batman#batfamily#jason todd#barbara gordon#bruce wayne#dick grayson#tim drake#damian wayne#listen i can only take so much of it before i just breakdown okay#apparently controversial opinion but a family where its normal to vreak into each others homes and manipulate each other and stalk and#invade boundaries and autonomy and privacy can NOT be healthy#no matter how much you try to dress it up all cute w 'this is just how they are' 'its how they show their love' its never not gonna be#unhealthy and bad and toxic#like yeah they do do that. they are like that. either acknowledge it or stop trying to justify it#god this actually irks me so much#i try to idk. suspend my disblief but theres only so much i can actuallt fucking take before just#its just. im trying to read happy fluffy fics. but i cant be comforted by a family that normalizes breaking boundaries n invading privacy#and its specifically that the author aleays disregards it. instead of fixing it or making it better they opt to keep it and come up w excuse#s for it#and thats what actually triggers me#'i broke into ur house cus if i asked if i could come over ud say no' is actuallt fucking horrifying stop trying to make it seem loving???#im writing this while having a panic attack dont mind me š#but its like. if you can write the batfam w/o bruce hitting his kids or any other horrific thing that they do#then why must you keep the boundary&privacy breaking? why cant anyone even seemingly try to write a batfam#where theyve worked their issues abt this out best they can n have healthy established boundaries w each other??#like if u can write them all hanging out together 24/7 n bruce being s good dad why is this one simple thing the One Thing#nobody even tries to address properly???#'aw dick broke into jason's saehouse bc he wanted to hangout but jason would say no if he asked' aw. maybe dick should learn 'no means no'
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mmg,, i might hiatus again,,,
I'd hate to do it, but there's no joy in crab posts as of right now, and also as of a long while ago.
Managing messages and responding to people in replies and being tagged and all the stuff in inbox is. a lot.
I never intended or expected crab blog to get this big, and it feels like such a chore to do at this point. Not that I dont like it, and not that I dont enjoy the fellow crab lovers, but it's certainly overwhelming.
That plus other socials and such that I manage and real life stuff is just. IDK, it's a lot. Usually, if I get to this point, I just drop off, maybe delete the account if I really can't stand it, but I'm definitely not going to do that here.
At the very least, I'm going to empty out the submissions that have been piling up, but after that, I'm not sure. I may not even get through all of those, I've already been relying on those for a long time at this point, and I think that's pretty obvious.
It feels like a hassle to deal with those anyways since most people don't even identify what type of crab it is that they submit, so I have to take the time to find it, which is usually not at all easy. There are so many posts that I've just had to guess what to tag it as because I just don't know, and there's no solid answer that I can find, at least not usually.
Which is also partially my fault, I've never said anything about it before, and I never specified it at an earlier time to make incoming ones less stressful to deal with, but even so I just. I don't know, I don't.
I don't know exactly when it'll happen, but it's the most likely thing to happen from here. I think I'll modify some stuff about how I handle the daily-crabbys blog to make it easier on me when I come back, but I'm not entirely sure what that'll be. I've never managed a successful daily posting account before, I haven't the slightest clue how to make it all easier on me.
Sorry that this has gotten so long, I didn't mean to rant. There's just so much that I feel like I need to say.
This isn't something coming out of nowhere, and it isn't going to be immediate. I've thought about wanting to do this for a while, and I know I did this already not too long ago, but I didn't really change anything for myself, so I'm just burnt out a lot faster.
Sorry again, both for the length of this and the fact that it's going to happen, but I've just got to make things better for myself before I carry on long term. I really just fucked myself over by not doing this the first time, but if I don't do something about it eventually then I'll just end up hating this blog too much to continue.
š¦š
#not crab posting#heads up that this is quite a long post so in case you may not want to read it all(dont blame you) theres just a few things to know#firstly this isnt a random decision i made. ive thought about it for a while and dont think i was ready to come back in the first place#second is that it will not take place immediately! i dont want submissions to sit for too long so ill empty those out before i disappear#this includes a few that i wouldnt ordinarily post or have never found the right time to post. theyve just gotta go#third is that it is no ones fault. well thats not true. its mine. i didnt make changes i should have the first time i went on hiatus#im suffering severely from that now and have burnt out wayyy too fast. which is again no ones fault but mine#im going to change things to make it easier to handle. i need to if i want to keep this going for a long time which i very much do#i just cant when the thought of posting on here every day makes me so unhappy. im just too overwhelmed#im not sure what the changes will be just yet but they're going to be beneficial to me greatly
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What if I connected to a very unstable chassis then tried to kill you and your girlfriend wouldn't that be fun
#i need to redo my artfight refs and i needed to design the chassis part of vampire core for later on in the story#he has like an outfit change moment#is it even a portal story if theres not an evil bitch piloting the chassis /j#this is the same chassis seen in the portal coop dlc just with some changes so it's easier to draw#i think using this chassis works better than glados's because i don't wanna add glados to my oc story and vampire core does a lot coop tests#soo thats the vision#nothing against glados but id perfer to keep paradox as an oc only thing#and i don't wanna research how to write glados by reading her wiki page for hours#goddd i need to write the story outline before artfight comes#id like at least some of my characters to have lore on their pages ya know :)#i keep saying 'wow i need to write this already' then not doing it#oc writing is fun. i know its fun. i have fun doing it. but my brain tricks me into thinking its not fun and i don't like doing it#i got to the coloring stage before realizing I didn't like the brush i used for lineart so i had to redo it#but im glad i did it looks much better :) it also let me add the big claws i wanted him to have#i gave up on that puppet its an optional accessory for fun now sorryyyyyy#aughh i wanna animate so bad seeing my friends animate motivates me to do it too but I dont have timeeeee#portal#portal oc#āVampire Coreā
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somehow ive made myself think im not an anime kid despite the countless animes ive watched. like i can feel my brain tricking me into thinking these didnt have any affect on me
#like almost everyday im reminded of another anime that ive watched and im like wait What. how did i forget that#for like the past year if u asked me if i watch anime i would say shit like 'oh not really but i am starting to watch one piece!!'#but slowly its all been coming back to me#the naruto binge watching i did w my dad and brother during quarantine. haikyuu. free. CAPTAIN TSUBASA (god i loved that one). beyblade#burst. a little bit of mha and hunter x hunter. spy x family. theres like a few more i KNOW ive watched but it just doesnt. come to my head#ik this isnt that MUCH but i should give myself credit at least right#OH MY GOD I USED TO WATCH ATTACK ON TITAN. wow i cant believe that#GAKUEN BABYSITTERS HOW COULD I FORGET YOU#there was also this one witch academy anime i watched on yt but i dont remember what its called#something traveller or whatever#i read a few dragonball manga as well a few years back#idk. maybe its because not all of these r just that interesting to me perhaps#it could also be like a fandom thing? maybe being in a fandom is what keeps me interested in a piece of media idkkk#but its not like i WANT to be in the. idk aot or free fandom#idk man its just a bit Odd.#why am i normal about THOSE but not normal about THESE (points at my blog)#ah whatever. idk man
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#so far in my sporadic picking away at various manga series i feel i have the weirdest reader relationships with JJBA and Attack on Titan#when reading JJBA i am not really that invested in the characters or even whats happening to them and yet i still never decide to dnf it#and i dont even know what it is that keeps me reading except that its just very unique i suppose?#such an odd combo of different things that somehow manages to eventually have its own sorta cohesive logic and charm#also the art is just fun. its ornate and goofy and macho and flamboyant and gross#but as soon as i put it down i stop thinking about it too#and dont feel like picking it up again for at least several more days#with attack on titan i found the art style mostly really bad at first ngl#it reminded me of awkward drawings a high schooler would make like the inconsistentness#of like there are good action poses here but the people also look weird ugly bland and stiff and the backgrounds are often so empty#idk i was feeling pretty blah about it but something about how starkly straight-forward the story is was interesting to me#where its literally exactly what you heard its just#theres a bunch of humanoid giants attacking our city#and we have to stop them. that's it#and also the awkwardness of the art style i find works extremely well when it comes to the titans#like they are genuinely creepy to me. and they do actually feel massive the way theyre drawn. and the mystery around them interests me too#anyways im like 60% through part 1 of jojo(also read most of part 4 a few years ago) and only on vol 3 of AoT#but yeah those are the 2 series i have the most mixed feelings about so far#wouldnt say i love or hate either of them but still also continue to want to find out more#13readsmanga#p
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die āļø ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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FUCK U ACHILLES U DONT GET TO TALK TO MY SON LIKE THAT.
A CHILD. A CHILD I TELL YOU. also im not over troilus fuck you again.
how the hell was he supposed to know any better when he was taken so young from the arms of his mother and forced into war that hardens the hearts of grown ass men, let alone a child who had no business being part of one, and all under the pretence of being the son of the godlike warrior he never knew, who was immortalised for his actions on the battlefield and little if anything else.
what else was he going to learn beside bloodlust and securing victory at any cost? how else was he going to see the father he never met as anything but the merciless soldier who dragged the body of his enemy (who didnt deserve that at all) around the city for days and not want to walk in his footsteps, bc thats what he was celebrated for
of course he was going to be proud of his actions thats what he was taught, thats what got him positive attention form his (adult) peers. he learnt to associate a higher death toll with appreciation, which is so sick and twisted. maybe if you stuck around more hedve learned there was more to you (and life) than murder & violence. this is kinda very on you my guy. you dont get to criticise the parenting u werent a part of.
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last note; even if u were a present father and did your bit in raising him and was all all around a good parent, this is stil not how you approach the subject. you dont blame a child and reproach them harshly, and definately not in the way you would a mature adult who would know better.
sandwich it at least; tell him youre proud of him for being a good kid and taking care of his mother, that he has many good qualities and had a good life ahead of him, be honest with him about what kind of things he mustve heard about him after his death and set the record straight, then gently explain what you find wrong in his actions and why. understand that there was so much out of his power, make peace with him and forgive him he was a child shoved into a mans armour and expected to fill the role he was much too young and innocent for. that he never should have been forced into that role and that it wasnt his fault things played out the way they did.
*combusts*
Achilles being honest
#there is one villain in this room and it aint neo#its going to be me lol#i am coming for ur ass#that last frame is evil i love it#(op btw i adore ur art style its gorgeous)#very pleased to know u also drew many of my favourite arts lol (the paris animation cracks me up every time XD)#no hate directed to anyone for their preferences ofc. i have thoughts abt the best of the greeks and they arent always pretty#to each their own#honestly and truly#theres so much to be said i think abt both the mythos and the subsequent interpretations and modern adaptations#id love to get into it more and read commentaries but alas exam season is upon me yet again ą²„_ą²„#i find it interesting that he thought of his son when patroclus died tho (i havent read the iliad pls correct me if im wrong)#so it implies he did have some bond with neo? and i think thats fascinating and well worth looking into (darn u uni)#all this to say dont idolise anyone lol#theyre all war criminals (mostly) and/ or very morally grey#(dont get me wrong flawed characters are the best and homer crafts them masterfully. morally grey is my favourite colour hehe)#i do despise achilles but its not like hes the worst figure ever with no redeeming qualities at all. no one is#theyre all complex and multi dimensional and most importantly human and in my eyes thats the brilliance of it all#for example i love ody (big epic fan lol) but he did some very fucked up things... like coercing neo into a war *glares*#and i think its important to keep the og mythos in mind when interacting with characters yk (really hope im making sense here)#also i love the tragedy of it all tbh like iirc there was a prophecy?#that the son of achilles would have to fight for the war to be won#super intriguing to me#the fates are so unkind#neoptolemus#pyrrhus#achilles#greek mythology#sorry for the ramble lol
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Hello š š¤,
I hope you are well šŗ.
I am writing to you with a heart full of hope and faith, asking for your urgent help. My family is in great danger due to the war, and I am running a fundraising campaign to save them.
Please, could you reblog the post about my campaign on my account? Every share can make a difference in my family's life. š
Note:My old Tumblr account was deactivatedš, and I need your support againā„ļø.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for any help you can provide. š¹šŗ
hello!
i try to avoid any potentially stressful things on this blog, since i have nothing to donate and hate the guilt of being unable to help.
this is the link to the gofundme, and its been vetted plenty,by what i saw. im glad youre getting closer to your goal and wish you safety and fortune going forward.
#asks#donation#i ma not going to make a habit of reblogging these things since i have so few followers and the only good i think this does#is take a moment to show where i stand(people should not be killed en masse)#anyways. i tried to donate a few times but it refused-my only guess as to why would be a currency uh transfer issue? would you happne#to have any alternate payment methods outside of gofundme? i have like 10 usd in my spendings i can try to give#jts not much but it can help add up i hope .#but . to anyone who is reading this i assume that if you could donate you probably have and if you cant then theres no point in just . guilt#it doesnt make things better to hate yourself for not being able to fix thhings so dont worry .#itll all be ok in the end so if its not ok its not the end <-only thing keeping me going some days</3#hopefully some day youll get to the point you have the opportunity to help others . whether that be disposable income#or a moment in time you can offer .whatever . if that time isnt now thats fine itll come eventually so just keep going#any ways . i just dont like people feeling guilty for something they cant change or didnt choose. its not ur fault#n as long as you choose to help when u can thats the thing that defines you and the thing that matters#(this would have gone on my sb for these kinds of things since they stress me out to no end but since the ask was sent here#thats where its gonna end up ig</3)#hope everyone has a good day or moment . if not now then soon . just to take a moment and breathe and feel okay#that would be nice
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The way akishinji and ashbella both have dramatic coma scenes and dramatic shot through the heart scenes like weāve gotta stop meeting like this š©
#the klock keeps ticking#theres actually so many similarities between these two pairings which is. probably why theyre my favorite pairings ever#like theres shinji and ashton they are guys with long hair/crabby/trying to be cool but theyre lame/emo/fingerless gloves/repressed#care so so deeply about their friends and break their fucking backs trying to protect them but are terrible with expressing their affection#with words so they come off as uncaring and rude/associates with shady people/buried beneath lies they tell to their friends/hate themselves#plans to die alone because they think they dont matter/bad at sincerity/has it bad like really bad for aki/bella#they love aki/bella for their kindness and sincerity and they feel theyre unworthy of it and that theyre a burden#gets [REDACTED] and held by aki/bella#then the aki isabella similarities are like older sibling who works too hard/stubborn/bad at reading social cues#too good for this world/will punch their friends if needed/bad at self care/emotionally repressed/kinda clumsy and silly#when they find out about shinji/ash trying to get themselves killed they get very angry and emotional and have a big confrontation#lose an important family member despite all their efforts to keep them safe/have trouble understanding their own feelings#especially if those feelings are romantic#and like both couples love to argue and bicker but care for each other so deeply its annoying lol and theres lots of miscommunication#cuz god theyre bad at having feelings and expressing them to each other and theyre long term friends#the coma scenes and the shot through the heart scenes are waaaaay better on the ashbella end though thats a given#since the letter has significantly better writing good god lol#like the emotions are very real and they fuck me up so bad then p3 its like. aki cries for 3 seconds and thats all you get cuz god forbid#a character in this series get to like. be written in a satisfying way lol#the letter just works so much better like akishinji would benefit from those scenes but ashbella needs like no work aksjks#plus āthis is how it should beā is a line that i fucking hate cuz of how its treated afterwards meanwhile fucking#āyou are going to die ashton frey. and you are going to die aloneā āshe got one thing wrong though. i did not die aloneā#that shit gets me so bad every single time ITS SO GOOD and such a slap to the face#realizing that youve made a grave error and youre actually loved deeply and matter a lot right as youre dying and feeling relieved#cuz you may be dying. BUT YOU DIDNT DIE ALONE YOU DIED BEING LOVED AND CARED FOR#like idk at least his death is able to mean something for him as a character its still a moment of growth#shinji doesnt learn anything he fully dies believing he deserves it and that everyone will benefit from it#god awful writing right there boooo
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im so annoyed hrhshsh
#i guess since ive just been reading more but..#theres too many smut tags to block!!!#ive seen some smut fics that havent even tagged it as smut/nsfw#and honestly i really dont wanna see that stuff. not interested#i wish ppl cpuld just at least tag it with the simplest 18+ tags bc ive been blocking tags for fandoms i dont even interact with#its a bit much for me. idk im not mad but just. pls#im sure ill keep these tags blocked when i reach the appropriate age anyways#but anyways ignore me. i always run into this stuff whether i avoid it or not >.>#the worst is when they reblog without the tags. just. :(#posts.nae/rambles#i dunno if i can bring this up! its just a lil fustracting n i havent mentioned it before but. yeah i dont wanna block these fandoms but i-#-really dont wanna come across these things. im not supposed to be seeing this stuff even kess interacting with it#i get worried even accientally liking something bc of this n i dont wanna turn off the double tap option#i like seeing the lil hearts float up! wish there was a feature that lets ppl see how much you spam liked a post lol#maybe it'd work similar to the boop feature. that makes so much sense!!#just. yes#pls. that woukd be perfect!!!#anyways. i got work to do#ack-#ignore pls ;v;
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Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................
Well, it's only half related.
We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it ā sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.
I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...
I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.
Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?
Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.
November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?
There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.
I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.
...push it back down.
Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.
It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.
I don't know you.
I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?
Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.
It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.
I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.
... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.
I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.
...
I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.
I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.
Will someone just let me say that?
Will someone just fucking help for once?
#sh tw#(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday)#100% ŃŠµŠŗŃŠµŃŠ½ŃŠ¹ Š“Š½ŠµŠ²Š½ŠøŠŗ Š»ŠµŠ²Ń ŠŠ Š§ŠŠ¢ŠŠ#im cursed with being a bit too self aware so#i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things#(for legal reasons i cannot say)#and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard)#its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER#BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM#back to my point.#guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat#[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over]#[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG]#so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it.#could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that.#i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition'#really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else .#it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat ..#.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before.#......#i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me.#it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything#so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way.#anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend#so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice#i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row.#Š»ŃŠ²Š° there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together#(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really)#(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently)#so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING
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You guys do not appreciate Gaz enough so Iām here to sell him to you
this shit is important so yall better read
I truly donāt understand the lack of Gaz love -
ok well
I do at some level
I think the argument usually levied against his character id that heās boring
but beautifully stated by tumblr user mockerycrow in their character analysis of him
CHARACTERS DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE A TRAGIC BACKSTORY TO BE INTERESTING CHARACTERS
press keep reading to fall in love with Gaz
Who is Gaz?
Iām going to start out with who Gaz is as a character
morality
Gaz is someone who has a strong sense of morality and struggles with the balance between doing the right thing and doing the morally right thing, thereās this debate between long-term morality and situational morality that Gaz struggles with
look im maybe not the most linguistically talented person on earth so im just gonna throw in a few quotes which i think gives Gaz
Gaz is someone who admist chaos and war is trying his best, trying his best to be a good person, to be reliable and to do the right thing
if thays not lovable idk what is
relationship to price
ok so i think this aspect of Gazās character is what people tend to focus on
and as much as the omg priceās son shit is cute i think heās become a vehicle for people to emphasise priceās daddy factor (which like dont get me wrong keep up the good work)
but i think theres so much more to that
i forgot who wrote this but someone said something about Gaz trying to follow in impossibly large footsteps and i think thats so accurate
going back to Gazās struggle with morality thereās so much untapped potential in the idea that his idol, may not be an amazing person, having to come to grips with the idea that Price, his role model can look at a woman and child as interrogation leverage is something that i think people need to look into more
OK so now
Untapped Potential
so here are somethings which i
idk if this is like the correct phrasing
headcannon? idk i just think these are parts of Gazās character which could be rlly interesting to explore
ahem
yes Gaz is a good guy, but that doesnāt make him passive Gaz has shown moments of anger, like in the interrogation with the butcher when he lunges at him or when him and price first meet
i think the fact that Gaz is so calm and collected but has these moments are cracks in the facade he creates
i believe personally he has a lot of repressed anger whether it be at the world, at himself, at his captain hes an angry dude hes just better at keeping it under wraps
and i know we donāt really have many details on his backstory but cmon thereās no way u sign up for a job like this and donāt have any issues whatsoever
i think this quote is so good for this because heās harnessed his anger, itās what makes him good at his job, a knife, a weapon
i think another interesting concept for Gaz is guilt
the fact that he cares about whats right and wrong how does he feel going to sleep at night? do these things haunt him? is he irredeemable?
i think its like that one quote āthe dog that weeps after it kills is no better than the dog that doesnāt. My guilt does not purify me.ā
Final Thoughts
anyways guys thanks for coming to my ted talk
i know this was really messy but i just want to encourage some Gaz love because i think heās a really interesting complex character who we just need to dig a little deeper into
i hope this incites some more gaz love
THANK YOU š³
#kyle gaz garrick#gaz#kyle garrick#gaz garrick#kyle gaz x reader#kyle gaz garrick x reader#call of duty#cod#call of duty modern warfare#cod mwf2#mwf#simon ghost riley#john soap mactavish#john price#cod mwii#gaz cod#ghost cod#price cod
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I'm genuinely curious how the other students of this class are finding these papers (if they're reading them) because a lot of them are very mathematical which is easy for ME but for an arts major idk....
#like between the math and the comsci aspects of every paper i feel like this would be confusing or at least over the head of someone who has#no proximity to these concepts but also like i am SURROUNDED by these things in my everyday studies#so its all very natural for me to read about but idk how different it is for someone strictly in arts yknow?#like *I* know about differential equations and (basic) physics and vectors etc etc but do the other people??#i know one other kid in my class is mathphys and so definitely knows these things#but what about the other students?#like these are concepts above even calculus (just barely tho)#but idk if it even takes away from the paper if you dont know#like i guess you wouldnt get to FULLY appreciate what is being argued for but the broad ideas should still come across#i feel like this paper at least is being VERY clear in breaking down what everything means as equations appear but still maybe theres#concepts used in those explainations that are lost on not maths people#IDK!!!!!#i just think its interesting to think about#in class the prof does a good job to also explain the concepts in a way that retains their mathematical nature but still make sense to not#maths people or at lease *I* think so but again i AM a math major so i understand these things more naturally#well not naturally that implies inherent understanding but i mean i see it all the time so it is more incorporated yknow?#anyways back to work BYE BYE!!!!!!#this assignment is going to be late anyways BUT i need to keep working teehee ^.^
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#im just gonna complain abt it here bc i just have to accept that i can't irl bc no one else gets it#its hard to b a dyslexic grad student. u have to read so much. and its good. lots of reading is good. u just have to contend with a soul#crushing amout of discouragement at the fact u just kinda cant read while ur peers r like sure i can read this in class and have things to#say abt it. if u make me read in my head in class i literally cannot fucking tell u what i just read. not a god damn thing and if i try to#let my computer read to me i cant fucking pay attention for long enough so i just have to accept that from here on out ill have to#physically read papers aloud which i hate so much. its the only way i can fucking understand things and it still makes me feel dumb bc ill#somehow still space out while reading and have to reread like 4 times before i understand wtf is being said. it takes forever and it takes#energy and i dont like talking very much and it also restricts me to only being able to read at home which is frustrating#and im like i need to stop my brain from distracting myself with things that dont matter and my counselor is like: ur ocd is trying to make#work ur whole life and im like yeah thats how i got it. its the only way i can keep swimming with the non dyslexics#so its like wtf do i do? i kinda have to take the hit and make work my whole life rn. morn the loss of other things for a while#i dunno im still a bummer rn. like im probably coming off as more an asocial freak than normal bc its hard to talk ans maintain conversation#rn. but whatever. sometimes things just suck and theres nothing u can do abt it but accept it and move on. ill learn lots of things with all#the reading i have to do and that's never a bad thing ...no matter how much i dont give a fuck abt animals#like jesus. i could not even begin to give a fuck about like 95% of mammals. fish r cool tho. plants too#but microbes is where its at. i dont understand y ppl dont understand how cool they r. oh well ill just have to tell them#if i can find my fucking enthusiasm. ugh i have to make one of my classes read a paper and i have to work with someone abt find it. she#works with like rabbits. i refuse to assign a mammal paper. i fucking refuse. we will do plants or microbes or fucking paleontology#i will fight her on this. ugh. light filtering or orchid speciation would b perfect. annoying#at least i get to work with some culturs this week#unrelated
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