#DIFFICULT FAMILY SITUATIONS

[kissablelips-desireslure-vol1]

MISEINEN: MIJUKUNA ORETACHI WA BUKIYO NI SHINKOCHU (2024)

KAMIMURA KENSHIN (as Haruki)

&

MOTOJIMA JUNSEI (as Jin)

[almiacastle]

Trying to learn that it’s not my responsibility to create or maintain harmony in the lives of those I care about. They are allowed to have difficulties in their lives and struggles in their relationships with others and it’s not something that I need to ‘fix.’ I am not responsible for their happiness or peace. Their struggles do not make me a failure. All I can control is how I interact with them.

[serpentface]

Question about Couya! Since she is a bastard what are the reasons about her being brought into the main family by her father. Was it genuine care for his child or a way to save face politically/socially? Is her birth mother alive? Do you think she would have had a better life growing up anywhere else?

This is in large part due to how cultural perceptions and legal punishment of adultery varies between male and female citizens, looped into the very strictly patrilineal kinship system.

By legal definition, the word for 'adultery' applies only to situations where a man has an affair with a married woman, or a married woman has an affair with any man. Other forms of affairs (eg a married man having an affair with an unmarried woman) are wrapped into a broader set of sexual misdemeanors and aren't often charged or punished in practice, and the punishments are comparatively minor (if an unwed woman's father pursues charges, the man in the affair is likely to just pay a fine). On a social level, extramaritial affairs in general are certainly not Approved of and seen as lowly and dishonorable, but the average response is significantly less harsh/more willing to entertain Nuance with men than with women.

In this society there's differentiated shades of bastardry depending on the contexts of the child's birth, as well as a distinction for 'nameless bastards' (has not been claimed by their biological father or maternal grandfather, or claimed in adoption).

a) A child born to an unmarried woman via an unmarried man: non-issue for father, potentially serious social harm for the woman (especially if she has never been married and expected virginal, much less severe as a widow or divorcee). The child will not be notably disadvantaged in of themselves (their status will depend more on whether they are claimed and thus provided the social security of a family patriarch), the father will experience no hard disadvantages in claiming them.

b) A child born to an unmarried woman via a married man: mild sexual misdemeanor for the father carrying levels of social shame, even more serious social harm for the woman (often framed as not just loose but a manipulative Seductress of a married man). The child might experience minor to moderate social disadvantages, the consequences of the father claiming them are purely social and will not typically be severe. (Couya is this)

c) A child born to a married woman via an unmarried or married man: both man and woman have committed a crime and can be severely punished. The biological father can technically claim the child but will be disincentivized from doing so. This is the form of bastardry most comparable to the conventional definition, in that it is heavily stigmatized and has effects on concerns of kinship and inheritance.

In addendum to this, if the adulterous wife's legal husband claims the child, this may be punishable if determined to be active concealment of adultery (which is also a crime), and has EXTREME social consequences either way. (Either you're a cuckold too stupid to notice that your wife has been skipping out on you, or you're a MEGAcuckold adultery-accessory willingly rearing another man's child after being horribly shamed by him).

(This is separate from adoption- a man who marries a woman with an unclaimed child after the fact (whether it was a product of adultery or just a general out of wedlock birth) and claims the child is an adoptive father, he is not concealing adultery or being cuckolded.)

A child born in an affair can be considered an heir to their biological fathers (descent and kinship is fully patrilineal and on a Basic level it doesn't matter who the mother is), and can very smoothly and legally be claimed when the affair was not considered criminal adultery. The concern on that front is social perception rather than material legal consequences or kinship issues.

Couya's birth mother was an unwed servant working as a housekeeper for her father Saizen, so the Crime of adultery did not take place. It would be considered a minor sexual misdemeanor, and the woman's father was not about to pursue charges against a nobleman who could Ruin him (and had also formally expressed that he would claim the child, which meant he would not be saddled with a nameless bastard granddaughter). So the concerns here were entirely social.

The affair might have started beforehand but the pregnancy that produced Couya occurred after his wife's third viable pregnancy ended in the premature birth of a underdeveloped boy deemed necessary to euthanize (and tbr would Not have survived either way). This was after Livya Haidamane had a couple early term miscarriages, two viable but very difficult pregnancies wherein one child was very weak and sickly for the first several years of life, and struggled to conceive every time. A lot of people are going to be at least a little sympathetic to a married man having an affair and claiming a bastard in this context. It's definitely ideal and practical to have more than two children, and his wife (while not outright infertile) clearly could not reliably bear healthy children. (The average response is going to be "Well he shouldn't have done it but like, I get it")

Couya being claimed by her father was a mix of genuine care and saving face. Initially it was MUCH more the latter than the former. Saizen made attempts to hide the servant's pregnancy and to keep his own wife out of sight during the late term (to prevent the baby appearing after his wife had been seen Extremely not pregnant). But there's some levels of care involved, he could very easily have fired the pregnant servant and had nothing to do with his bastard and she would have no recompense whatsoever. The choice to keep and claim the baby and ensure its entrance into the world bore as little social scrutiny as possible is an act of care for his own progeny.

This was Not an act of care for Couya's birth mother (beyond the fact that concealing her pregnancy would benefit her in hiding that she is not only Not a virgin prior to marriage but had a child). She probably would have been about 17-19 at the time and was fired a few months after giving birth, and most likely never saw Couya again after this point (if she did, it would most likely be in the context of seeing her as an adult Odonii in public and noting her to look Scarily familiar). She has an Okayish chance at still being alive, she'd be around 50 (and a person who survives the high infant mortality and birth casualty rates stands a good chance of hitting their 60s), though she could very well be a casualty of the drought+famine.

Whether or not Couya's life would have been better is kind of a mixed bag. She had an awful fucking childhood in large part because her adoptive mother Livya Haidamane hated her. (Livya was ultimately a pretty horrible person but not just like. An Evil Bitch. She had A Lot going on and Couya was a living breathing insult to her and reminder of like, every one of her dashed hopes and dreams). Couya is also autistic and presented very intense symptoms as a child in a society that is Not equipped for a mass-understanding and support of cognitive differences. But she still did have an immensely privileged life with profound physical/economic levels of security inaccessible to the vast majority of people in this region, including her birth mother. Saizen also actually Liked her and cared about her, he just wasn't a routine physical presence in any of his children's lives.

Had she been left with her biological mother, she would be in a very disadvantaged situation as a nameless bastard to an unwed mother. Her biological grandfather may or may not have been willing to claim her, and her mother would have great difficulties in finding a husband (which is ultimately necessary for the security of women in this society). I think her mother was a relatively kind person but not like, a perfect angel. She would probably have complicated feelings about her bastard daughter, especially one whose very existence materially disadvantages her and was very, very difficult as a child. So this probably would not have been a good situation for Couya either.

If you broaden the question to ANY other family completely divorced from the circumstances of her birth, yeah it definitely could have been better. But in her case it's like either "Life of grotesque socioeconomic privilege but in an abusive household" or "Life of profound socioeconomic disadvantages in a household that Probably wouldn't have been this abusive but certainly wouldn't be healthy". There wasn't really a good option for her.

[calitsnow]

Just thinking late at night …

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

not to beat a dead horse but there's something kind of illuminating and warmie yet sad about the fact that Taylor's parents are attending Travis' game with her and regularly. I know the "you never saw--" joke is old, but the idea that [redacted]'s family did actually occasionally attend events with Taylor (including at what it seems may have been a difficult time), but after a certain point she herself didn't/couldn't attend his in turn, never mind her family, and it's just a testament to how different things are now, how different her life is, and frankly how integrated their family life has become. Idk I'm just really happy for popstar bestie because I feel like this is probably everything she ever wanted and didn't know she could have at one point.

[sukibenders]

When it comes to Penelope I feel like a lot of her fans take any valid criticism towards her and turn it into hate, which does her character a disservice. While some people do hate on her, a lot of it holds valid reasons. Admitting that she has hurt many people isn't wrong because she has, it's been shown on throughout the show and the impacts it can have. From labeling Daphne as "unmarriageable" during her first season and events that followed, her labeling Eloise as being part of a group of rebels, the terms she used to describe Kate [and Simon]-- which carried racial undertones no matter how you try to spin it, who didn't even know personally at that point, what she did Marina. All of these were very harmful and to say that none of these characters should feel angry, that they should just forgive Penelope without any work put into it is very laughable (especially because she's still writing as Whistledown and put many, namely women, at risk during a time where reputation is everything--something in which Penelope herself faces). With this being said, criticizing her actions, at least for me, doesn't come from a complete place of hate but more so from believing that she can be better if she puts in the work. By ignoring all that she's done and having her get her happily ever after so easily in the end, to be honest, would ultimately feel lackluster. I feel like she still has room to grow, but it will take a lot of work and, I personally, think seeing her renavigate who she is with who she wants to be outside of Lady Whistledown would be very interesting.

[leslutdepointedulac]

Louis says something like he doesn't like thinking of when Claudia hurt Lestat. But Louis was literally there too??? He was a part of that attack?? Also Louis doesn't even acknowledge Lestat hurt Claudia, which is what lead to the fall out.

Yes, so Louis does say that but when Claudia tells him that she's planning on killing Lestat, he's shocked and horrified and begs her not to go through with it. Even after being told what it is she plans to do, Louis questions whether or not she'll actually succeed, thinking Lestat is too powerful to be killed. He even debates going to Claudia and asking her to forget the whole idea so they can all continue with their lives like before.

Even knowing what he does, he has no knowledge of Claudia's plan outside of her generally wanting to do it. He has no idea how or when it will happen and also questions if she'll even go through with it at all.

When it comes to the actual attack itself, there are two times when Louis does actually go to step in and intervene, only to be stopped by Claudia. I honestly think that Louis just didn't know what to do, he froze up in a panic, horror, fear and the reality of the situation kept him almost paralysed. The two times where he does make a move may have been his brain kicking in, giving him the push needed to rescue Lestat, but Claudia telling him to stop made him freeze up all over again.

Louis most likely felt powerless and helpless against what was happening. Although Claudia is both younger and smaller than he is, she holds far more power over everything in that moment and has complete control. She has Louis wrapped around her finger and she uses that to her advantage, as well as knowing how, as much as Louis doesn't want Lestat dead, he's so easy for her to manipulate and keep under her control, therefore allowing her to do it almost.

I think there are a couple of aspects to why Louis doesn't like to remember how Claudia hurt Lestat. His lover was killed by their daughter and that in itself isn't an easy thing to think back to, especially when he loves them both. But I think the main reason why, is that Louis doesn't want to remember how he stood by and allowed it to happen, despite how much he didn't want it to. He may feel like he failed Lestat in not preventing it from happening, maybe even ashamed of his lack of control over everything at the time. He doesn't want to remember how his family tore themselves apart and he was too helpless to stop it.

As for the lack of acknowledgment towards Lestat hurting Claudia, the only hurt he really causes her is emotional. Partially because of turning her so young and partially because of withholding information from her about their kind.

If we take the example of turning her as such a young age, Louis is in part responsible for that too. He knows it would be unfair and hypocritical of him to place all the blame on Lestat alone, knowing that if it weren't for himself, Lestat wouldn't have had the chance to turn her in the first place.

In regards to withholding information, although Louis definitely would've felt Some Type of Way about it, considering he also knew nothing, in the future he gets his reason as to why Lestat did that. I think he may have still felt upset, maybe even angry about it, but he finds out that Lestat was only trying to do what he thought was best in protecting his family.

[swagging-back-to]

worst trope is found family separating as soon as the antagonist is dealt with.

[tangledinink]

in an older ask (before the bracelet comic) you broke down, basically, the odds of donnie recognizing his family to different degrees on any given day... i'm curious, what would the odds be now, now that he has the bracelet?

Hell yeah let's do more Swanatello Math~

Let's say his family visits him eight times-- this time with the bracelet.

-> Maybe one time out of eight, usually less, Donnie will not be able to recognize them and will treat them as intruders, driving them off. There are occasions when he disregards the message of the bracelet or forgets it too quickly to be helpful.

-> Two times out of eight, Donnie will be able to recognize them enough to not view them as threats, but will not be able to organically recall any further details about them. He is confused and frustrated. He recognizes something is wrong, and can comprehend the research materials he's reading, but no actual memories are being pinged in his brain, leaving him in a very frightening, bizarre, uncanny-valley sort of space. He has to repeatedly reference notes and journals to try to puzzle the identities of his family together, which is upsetting and embarrassing. Days like these focus on providing comfort and support to Donnie, but the context that his research board and bracelet provide does make this easier to manage now.

-> One time out of the eight, Donnie will be able to recognize his family but struggles to comprehend his current situation or recall details surrounding it, though he recognizes something is wrong. He knows that Raph is here, and he remembers Raph fully, but has a difficult time processing why they're here at the lake instead of being at home; it's just not sinking in for him. Things in his brain are not matching up, and he is confused and frustrated. His family will have to re-explain to him what's going on, typically multiple times. Days like these focus on providing comfort and support to Donnie, but the jumpstart that the research and bracelet provide often makes this process much easier.

-> One time out of eight, Donnie will be able to recognize his family enough to not view them as threats, but will not always be able to recall further details about them. He's not able to fully process that anything is wrong unless it's explained to him, (usually more than once,) but even then it seems to overall elude him and not fully sink in. He will happily spend the day showing his lake off to his family, dancing with them, etc. His bracelet and research board help, but on days like these he often seems unable to fully retain this information throughout the day. These days are usually pretty frustrating for his family, but are overall lower-stress for Donnie, at least. False memories are common on these days.

-> Three times out of eight, Donnie is able to both recognize his family and recall details about their current situation. He remembers the family members who are currently with them, and sometimes even those who are absent, and understands that he is currently being affected by magick that manipulates his memory and patterns of thinking.

Overall, the bracelet has improved the situation. The family has to take care to try to be present as much as possible, however, as receiving this information from the bracelet and research board can sometimes be very scary or disorientating, and they've found that having someone around either during this process or immediately after is very important. Typically, if Donnie wakes up, receives the message from his bracelet, inspects the research board, and waits for the promised family to arrive... and then they don't, he'll panic and quickly lose trust in the information. He may react negatively to any family members once they do show up. Swanatello overall tends to do poorly when left alone, they've discovered.

[panncakes]

stuck thinking about when day gets crowded and overwhelmed on his birthday he calls out to gee of all people there to remove him from the situation; and how when day tells her he wants to be alone she makes sure he knows she wants to understand him and he can talk to her (not to help him or to fix things for him; simply to understand him) and when day reaffirms a boundary she accepts this and doesn't press further. he's her friend and she cares for him but he's still an adult and she has no problem treating him as such and i think that at the moment she is the only one from day's past who is actively able to do so

[heavenhellandhumanity]

I know, people like different tropes and fanon etc. etc.

However, I would love to see more of the Star Wars fandom make a big deal about Leia's adoptive parents, Breha and Bail Organa. I mean, they're amazing people and I see a lot of amazing content about them, don't get me wrong! But in concerns to Leia as a person and her actions.

Leia became the Huttslayer and this is narrative gold because her father and her grandmother had been slaves under that particular Hutt in the past. But let's not ignore the fact that she grew up the man who knew Palpatine was a Sith Lord (and seen his friends and children murdered because of it) and still ran a damn resistance under his very nose. Leia grew up knowing she would be Queen of Alderaan and what that meant - if you pay attention to EU canon, she had to undergo three trials in order to be declared heir, trials which had almost killed her mother when she was a teenager. Leia is the biological daughter of Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala and that is a part of her history, but the parents who raised her and loved her were two people who knew full well the price of fighting against tyranny, and did it anyway.

And her biological father is part of that tyranny. I believe Shmi Skywalker would look at her granddaughter and be proud but I believe that Darth Vader can't say shit about it, not when he has managed to enslave and terrorise so many more people than Jabba the Hutt ever could.

I would love to see more of the fandom discussion around Leia to be how she's upholding her parents' legacy when killing Jabba the Hutt, and I mean the parents she knew and loved, who worked to end evil like Jabba. Not the man who helped it thrive.

(This is referring to many posts and fics, although one sparked me to finally post this. But like I said, everyone enjoys fandom in their own way.)

[duusheen]

Meanwhile, in the Pollock household, things aren't getting better for Jay, and now Daphne and Leif are arguing as well 😩

[zapsoda]

ok but blatantly and inarguably a lot of "accepting" parents would rather their children be ~nonbinary~ and/or ~nontransitioning~ than binary transgender, and this doesnt devalue exorsexism (not only because it is another form of exorsexism) but because it is a fact

[blunderpuff]

ranked choice voting but it's Subway:

[spinji]

So tired of seeing fans criticize Rei for not getting out of her relationship with Enji because "she could leave at any time".

Ignoring the fact that it was an arranged marriage (likely when Rei was like 20), things were fine for years before Enji got abusive! They weren't madly in love but it was a good life and they didn't appear to have any major problems. They both wanted Touya and Fuyumi and Rei's life was comfortable. Then all of a sudden Enji is becoming more aggressive, he's forcing her to have more children, neglecting his kids, and abusing their youngest even as a toddler.

Why not leave then? With what fucking income! Would she leave with the kids? How would she even be able to support four children when she had no job and likely no higher education? Does she just abandon them to a physically abusive and emotionally distant father?

Her family wouldn't be inclined to help, they essentially sold her to Enji. And Enji wouldn't have agreed to a divorce either, so the only option would be to run from a publicly supported figure who is dozens of times stronger and faster than you. He clearly had enough influence to get her institutionalized without her consent so it's dubious at best that anyone would have believed her if she went public about the abuse.

People only believed it in the first place when it came out of Touya's mouth, who was supposedly dead and got extensive evidence to prove his claims. And this was all when faith in heroes was becoming unstable, not in the unshakable golden age where people had so much trust in heroes that it caused Tomura Shigaraki's entire abandonment complex.

We know the entire timeline of their marriage and people still think Rei somehow had a clean way out.

[tomwambsmilk]

It's 100% true that the Roy siblings did not choose to be Logan's children and Tom and Greg and the old guard did choose to work for him so their relationships to Logan are fundamentally different, and the degree of culpability they bear for their own moral degradation is also wildly different. But workplace emotional abuse is also very real and omnipresent in the way Logan treats the people who work for him. And one of the impacts of workplace emotional abuse is creating an extreme attachment to the abuser and becoming less cognizant and even defensive of their abuse towards yourself and others, and in cases where the emotional abuse is institutionalized and systemic it can also create a strong aversion to leaving because your whole sense of personal identity becomes wrapped up in the organization and so being forced to leave can cause an intense psychological crisis. I don't think the situation of working for Logan is at all equivalent to being his child but I also think that it's a bit misguided to imply that Tom and Gerri and Frank and Karl are operating from a place of pure rationality without any undue psychological influences when they make the choice to stay with and support Logan