#DEPRESSED CHARLIE SPRING IMAGE | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thanks--for--listening · 1 year ago

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it was easier to feel nothing (than it was to make sense of it all)

throwback to august when i promised my cousins I would write them heartstopper fluff. I am months late and have come up with something a little too depressing to be properly called fluff but idk what I expected when I made tori spring the main character.

set during season 2 right after tori finds out they're gonna tell people, and its kind of like a prequel to solitaire but you don't have to have read solitaire to understand the fic. you just have to love tori spring. and don't we all?

(also on ao3).

Tori Spring had every intention of spending the entire night in her bedroom. Alone. While her brother socialized like a well-adjusted teenager, she’d have her headphones on, the door closed, with the only light coming from the moon outside her window and the computer screen in front of her. It was how she spent most nights. It was how she spent most days, as well.

How she found herself sitting on the top of the stairs, then, remained a mystery.

She couldn’t quite make out their conversations from her perch, but she could hear the ease with which his friends spoke. The laughter was loud and infectious, made up of more voices than she could distinguish. Their joy was collaborative.

In spite of her general opposition to clamor and commotion, it wasn’t the noise that kept her up. Drowning out the world was her specialty. It was perhaps the one thing she did better than anybody else.

No. What was keeping her up were all of these fucking feelings.

Her brother was happy. That should have been the only feeling. Charlie was downstairs, with his friends, and his boyfriend, and he was happy, and he was okay, and that should have been enough. That should have been everything.

But she remembered the quiet nights. The ones when no one came over. When she used to lean against their shared wall and search desperately for any break of silence, any proof that he hadn’t simply faded away. Tori hardly slept back then; she couldn’t risk missing something important. She couldn’t miss him needing her.

The loud ones weren’t much better. Drumsticks hitting practice pads over and over and over again, barely hanging onto anything that could remotely resemble a rhythm. The sound haunted her. There were nights where she swore she could still hear it, the constant thud on repeat, and relief wouldn’t come until she’d carefully pushed open his door and confirmed that no music was being made in the early hours of the morning.

Even now, when the increased volume was proof of improvement rather than regression, she couldn’t help but hold her breath. Couldn’t fight the urge to double check.

Maybe that was why she’d come out here. Maybe she had to make sure the tide wouldn’t turn again.

Except that was ridiculous. Charlie had friends. Friends who knew him. Friends who had watched darkness envelop him, who witnessed the battles he fought every day, the ones he tried to hide behind a smile and quiet demeanor. They had seen it all, and every time, they held him closer rather than run away. They were not afraid of the dark.

Tori wondered what that felt like. What it cost.

He also had Nick Nelson. Nick Nelson, who he was madly in love with. Nick Nelson, who was one of the most popular boys at his school. Nick Nelson, who was going to start telling people.

She didn’t hate Nick. Truly. It was actually absurd how happy he was making Charlie in the short amount of time they’d spent together. But he wasn’t there last year. He didn’t understand the scope of how utterly horrendous school was for him when everybody found out.

Tori had a feeling she only knew a portion of it. The thought of it having been worse than it appeared, of him keeping the depth of his torment from her, made her stomach twist and her skin crawl. Every second she spent speculating brought the walls tighter and tighter, until there was no air left to breathe, until the only images she saw when she closed her eyes were every possible way he could be hurting.

She had nightmares. Vivid, vicious dreams of him bleeding out from wounds she couldn’t see. He would look up at her, begging for salvation, and she was never fast enough to fix it. Never strong enough to help.

Tori woke in cold sweats every time. It was like her body couldn’t understand that what she’d seen was not her reality. She’d spend days after the fact just watching him, searching for red flags, for reasons to sound the alarm. It required all of her attention, all of her energy. The simple act of existing became entirely unimportant when he may have been suffering.

So yes, she was happy her brother was happy. She was thrilled. But she was also terrified. And perhaps a bit irritated that, of all the boys he could have possibly fallen for, Charlie chose the one who would inadvertently put him directly into the social spotlight once again.

And then there was the envy.

Not toward Nick and Charlie. She didn’t care much either way for relationships. But sitting up here, it reminded her how easy it was for other people to be happy. How effortless it all seemed.

Her own friends hadn’t been over in ages. She couldn’t remember when she’d stopped inviting them. Now that she had, starting up again was too daunting of a prospect. She wouldn’t know what to do with them. How to keep them entertained. How to explain why her bedroom walls were bare, or why she spent all of her free time being miserable on the internet, or why she couldn’t finish a movie in one sitting even though all she ever did was sit in her bedroom and watch movies.

Listening was simpler. At lunch, she could let them talk around her instead of to her, and take her adjacency to conversation as a win. Nobody expected anything from her that way. The logic was a little dramatic, perhaps, but it was sound: if she never tried, she never failed.

Even now, with his lot instead of hers, this was still the best she could do. She could sit up here, out of sight but not quite out of earshot, and pretend that observing joy was the same as feeling it. That it was enough.

The guilt hit her again. She was so selfish. Charlie finally had things going his way, and she managed to make it all about her. It was probably best if she just stayed upstairs all night. She didn’t deserve to bear witness to his successful social life, let alone reap the benefits of it.

Tori raised the volume on her computer, until the movie she had playing was loud enough to hurt. Only then could it drown out the thoughts running rampant in her mind. Only then could she properly exhale.

It was easier to feel nothing than it was to make sense of it all.

“Tori!”

Charlie came barreling up the stairs, as if thinking about him had been a kind of summoning. She wasn’t sure how many times he’d called her name, only that she hadn’t heard him until he was nearly on top of her.

Tori pulled her headphones out. “Yes?”

“What are you doing out here?”

“Keeping track of which one of your friends is the loudest,” she lied. “Darcy is winning.”

His face fell slightly. “Are we being too noisy? I can tell everyone to quiet down if you’re trying to watch something.”

“I’m not very invested in it. Feel free to yell to your heart's content.”

“In that case,” he said, mischievous smile replacing his look of concern. “You’ll be happy to know we’re getting ready to play Taboo.”

She gave him her own wicked grin back. Game nights weren’t the most frequent occurrence in the Spring household anymore, but back in their heyday, she and Charlie had been unstoppable at Taboo. Her parents had considered banning the game altogether, or forcing them to play on different teams, but they never followed through on their threats.

Tori suspected that was on her account. They hadn’t given up the fight to keep her out of her bedroom back then. They’d been willing to suffer defeat after defeat if it kept her at the kitchen table. Lose battles to win wars, and whatnot.

Although, she supposed they’d still lost that war in the end. Not that they seemed to care.

“I’m sure you and Nick will do your best. He’s got that competitive rugby spirit.”

“I’m not playing with Nick.”

“Oh. Tao, then?”

Charlie shook his head. “Tao’s a horrible partner. He can’t get his thoughts out fast enough, and when he does, they’re all obscure references to things only he knows.”

“Then who—“

“I want to play with you.”

He said it with a different kind of smile. Gentle and eager. It made him look young, much younger than her.

She forgot, sometimes, that they were peers. That her baby brother was just a grade below her. He’d told her once, ages ago, when they were still in primary school, how much he loved his birthday. It wasn’t because of the presents, or the party — it was because it meant he had caught up. He liked when they were only a year apart. Said she was too far away during the few weeks in April between her celebration and his, when she was technically an extra year older than him.

Tori had hated her own birthday ever since.

The rest of the world didn’t seem to notice the gap. People used to think they were twins when they were little. There seemed to be nothing they loved more than to see if their assumptions were correct. The two of them got stopped all the time: in grocery stores, at the park, at school events. Sometimes in their own neighborhood.

They didn’t even look all that similar. He’d always been tanner than her, his hair wavier even before it properly curled, and she’d been taller back then by at least an inch or two. But something about them flagged random adults to stop, and stare, and sometimes coo, and constantly, incessantly ask.

Charlie had never been a very good liar. It wasn’t in his nature. But he always said yes.

Fooling a stranger used to be her favorite feeling in the world. She’d spend the rest of the day walking around with the kind of pep that was ridiculously uncharacteristic. Not because they were getting away with a lie, but because, for a few blissful seconds, it was true. Or, at least, it felt true. She could embrace the act of pretending they were the same. Imagining the world where they were actually twins, going through every part of their lives side by side, hand in hand. Where they were never alone. Most of her daydreams used to be dedicated to that reality.

Sometime during the last few years, she’d stopped. They say twins understand each other on a level that’s hard to describe. That when one of them hurt, the other could feel it. She was pretty sure that wasn’t true. But, just in case, she decided it was good that they had a buffer year between them. That way, she could protect him from her insufferable morbidity. She could keep him out of her head. Even if it meant she had to be kept out of his.

“What about the others?” She finally asked.

“Everyone’s partnering up. We’re going to change every round to see which pairings are the best. But I already know it’s going to be us.”

“No, I mean — wouldn’t you rather play with one of them? They’re your friends.”

“So are you.”

His voice was steady, brimming with a quiet kind of confidence. It was one she’d only recently started to notice. His hands weren’t fidgeting, and his eyes were making direct contact with hers, and he wasn’t shifting his weight back and forth.

It dawned on her that she was wrong. She blinked and the youth she’d seen earlier vanished, replaced with a bravery and certainty that felt much beyond both of their years. It wasn’t his birthday, but nonetheless, here he was, catching up. Growing up.

She knew it wasn’t just a consequence of having a proper boyfriend. It wasn’t even due to his friends downstairs, although both played a part. No, something inside Charlie had shifted. Gone was the paralyzing doubt and self-hatred. For the first time, her brother was walking headfirst into a life he wanted. There was no more waiting for permission or hiding in shadows; he was moving forward without an ounce of hesitation.

And she was standing completely still.

“Alright. I’ll play.”

Charlie beamed and held his hands out. She let him pull her up and drag her down the stairs.

When they walked into the family room, his friends all excitedly said her name. Like they were genuinely happy to see her. Tori didn’t fully believe them— her attendance anywhere was no cause for celebration— but they didn’t sound fake, either. It made it very difficult to draw a logical conclusion about them and their intentions.

Everyone was already sitting in pairs. She’d expected a certain kind of coupling, but instead it was all jumbled up. Tara was with Isaac, Darcy was with Elle, and Nick was with the newer girl, Imogen. Tao, hovering near the end, kept giving Elle and Darcy weird looks. Or maybe it was just Elle. She wasn’t entirely sure, nor did she really care.

It took her a second to realize that he was the only one without a partner. Tori wondered why Charlie would bring her down here, would purposefully mess up their nice even number, just so they could play together. It didn’t make sense. He wasn’t that competitive.

She scanned the crowd again, looking for something specific this time. But nobody gave her that pitiful look. The isn’t it sad she doesn’t have any friends? look. The being alone couldn’t possibly be a choice look. The something must be very wrong with her look. Nobody focused on her long enough to, except Charlie, and he was the only person who had never seen her the way the rest of the world did.

“Elle and I will go first!” Darcy said much louder than necessary. Tori sat and watched the two of them try and make their way through the deck of words that required guessing, with Tara looking over Darcy’s shoulder to make sure she didn’t use any of the forbidden hints.

They got three. It was a pitiful showing. The group applauded anyway.

Tara and Isaac went next. They got a respectable six. Tori quietly clapped with the rest of the group.

Nick and Imogen got four, sneaking the last one in as the final grains of sand spilled down their plastic hourglass timer. They celebrated as if it was a game-winning buzzer beater, which would have been more appropriate had they actually gotten a higher score than Tara and Isaac.

And then it was their turn.

They sat on opposite sides of the coffee table. Tori held the cards, Charlie awaiting her clues. He had always been the better guesser. He knew what she meant, even when she was speaking nonsense.

Tori looked at him before they started, just to see if there was one thing he hadn’t outgrown yet. She was both pleased and slightly distressed to find that there was. He still stared at her with stars in his eyes; she still did her best to earn them.

Imogen flipped the timer over, and Tori grabbed her first card.

They didn’t miss a beat. It had been at least two years since they’d played, but they picked up right where they left off. She spoke quickly, and he read her mind, and soon she had amassed a pile of cards to her right.

By the time Nick told them time was up, the pile was up to nine. Not their record, but a solid start considering they were incredibly out of practice.

His friends acted as if they’d literally won an Olympic medal. Darcy was screaming, and Nick was playfully shaking Charlie’s shoulders. Tao was loudly claiming that whoever teamed up with him had better bring their A game, but Tori knew it would be a wasted effort.

She fought the urge to smile. It was much more difficult than usual.

They went another three rounds, with everyone except her and Charlie switching partners. Tao was, as Charlie had predicted, the worst of the bunch. Isaac and Elle had been a surprisingly successful group, but they’d only managed to get eight. Tara and Darcy kept laughing instead of guessing, but neither seemed to mind walking away with a measly one.

She and Charlie ended the night with a high score of twelve. He reacted with unusual, exaggerated excitement, likely embracing the chaos of his friends. The others gave her the same treatment — Darcy playfully slapped her on the back, and Elle gushed about how good she was, and it was all so strange that Tori had to constantly fight the urge to run back up to her bedroom where she knew how things worked.

Eventually, once it became incredibly obvious that no pairing was going to beat the two of them, they switched gears into debating what film to watch.

Tori took that as her cue. As quickly as she could, she snuck out of the family room and made her way to the kitchen. It was quieter in there. She could hear herself think.

She wasn’t entirely sure that was a good thing.

Currently, her thoughts were telling her not to get used to this. That it was easy, when Charlie was holding her hand, carefully walking her through the whole night, to pretend that she was normal. That she was unbroken. But she knew that was all it was: pretend.

These were good people. Good friends. But they weren’t hers.

Not that she wished otherwise. His friends were too intense. She wasn’t cut out for this much energy, this constant back and forth conversation. Outside of a few impressive rounds of Taboo, she offered nothing to this group.

She couldn’t stop from thinking about her own lot, though. Becky and all the other girls she sat with at school. If she offered Charlie’s friends nothing, she knew for certain that she gave her own even less.

Tori had thought avoiding failure was the ultimate goal. That it would be enough to technically be part of them, even if Becky was the only one she’d ever truly considered a friend. She’d never be loud and rambunctious, never be the one to throw the parties or sleepovers, never be the center of attention. She’d understood that. Hell, she’d embraced that.

But if tonight had shown her one thing, it was how much she was missing. Her friends weren’t like Charlie’s. They were drastically different, in both the big ways and the small ones. They didn’t watch out for each other. They didn’t laugh like them. They didn’t give each other anything, besides basic conversation and a way to avoid being alone in public.

Over the course of an hour, every one of Charlie’s friends had their needs met. It wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t some random coincidence. It was thoughtfulness. A consequence of all of them knowing each other so intensely. So intimately. Tori doubted they were even aware they were doing it.

Darcy got to be loud. Tara got to let go. Elle got to impress, Tao got to entertain, Isaac got to tune in and out as he so pleased. Even Imogen got to be embraced by a crowd. And Nick and Charlie got to be themselves, unabashedly and unequivocally.

What did she get? What did she give?

They would leave. Her friends would wake up one day and realize how little she mattered to their social ecosystem, and they’d go searching for someone else to take her place. It wouldn’t be difficult, either, because she was nothing more than a glorified shadow: dark and silent and always half a step behind.

Being left should have scared her. And it did, in a way, but it was like the feeling was muted. She knew what was coming, and some part of her wanted to avoid it, but she couldn’t get herself to care enough to try. She couldn’t act.

If this was a movie, she knew what it would look like. She’d be sitting alone on a runaway train. The audience could see it was going to crash. She could see it was going to crash. The collision was miles away, a blocked tunnel made entirely of brick, but it was inevitable. Her situation looked dire at first glance, except they weren’t moving very fast. In truth, they were hardly moving at all. The doors were wide open, the ground a safe distance below. All she’d have to do to save herself was jump. Nothing and no one was stopping her. But she just sat and stared straight ahead. Perfectly content to be crushed.

She didn’t know how long she’d been on board this metaphorical train. Maybe forever. Maybe her whole life had been spent sitting still in this pathetic seat, and everyone who’d ever come and gone had simply been taking a ride to their own destination. Maybe they couldn’t see the end. But she could.

Charlie wouldn’t understand. Neither would his friends. They all felt everything. Each high and low and shade in between, each victory and loss. It was how they’d managed to hold onto all that energy. They were constantly moving, fueled by endless emotion.

Tori felt absolutely nothing.

Her friends would probably leave after graduation. Cut their losses and start new. The thought should have upset her. But she’d already accepted it. She’d sit alone. The train would crash. The credits would roll.

God, she was insufferable. It was a wonder anyone tolerated her at all.

Reaching for the fridge, Tori grabbed the Diet Lemonade. Maybe if she drank enough of it, she could drown the voice in her head before she went back upstairs. That usually worked. She might even sleep tonight.

When she shut the door and turned around, Isaac was there, sitting at the kitchen table, book in hand.

“Jesus Christ,” she gasped.

He looked up. “Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “Only fair that I learn what that feels like, I suppose.”

“Huh?”

“What are you doing in here?” She asked. “I thought you guys were watching a movie.”

“We are. Or, we will be. It’ll take them at least twenty minutes to decide. I figured I could steal a bit of quiet while they did.”

“You don’t want to help choose?”

He held his book up. She recognized it, but— as was the case with most titles — hadn’t read it. “I probably won’t watch much of it, to be honest.”

Tori, in a feat of considerable strength, held her opinion on books and their secondary nature to films to herself.

“Will you watch with us?” Again, the way he spoke surprised her. There was no hesitation. No undertone that the answer should absolutely be no. It was just curiosity. Sincere, legitimate curiosity.

“Probably not. Your friends are very loud.”

Isaac chuckled. “Yeah. I don’t blame you for needing a break.”

“How do you manage it?” She wasn’t sure where the question came from, but she regretted asking almost immediately. Hearing it back, she knew it sounded rude, even when she didn't mean it to.

That happened to her a lot. Maybe she was just a rude person, and had tricked herself into thinking she wasn’t.

“It’s all about moderation,” he said with a smile. Isaac stood up, walked closer to the doorway. Tori followed, until they could just barely see into the family room.

Tao was in an impassioned debate with Tara and Darcy. The former wanted to watch an indie film; the latter, Mamma Mia. Imogen sat next to Elle, the two half-heartedly watching the battle play out in front of them.

Charlie and Nick sat on the couch. Nick leaned in closer, whispered something in his ear, and her brother laughed. His hands were entangled with Nick’s. His shoulders were relaxed. He was truly and genuinely happy.

Tori couldn’t remember the last time she felt like that. She couldn’t remember ever feeling like that. And she suspected it had nothing to do with her relationship status.

“Quiet is nice,” Isaac said next to her. “It’s necessary. But it’s also easy to get lost in.”

“What do you mean?” It was a pointless question — she knew exactly what he meant. But she asked anyway.

“Just that, when you’re stuck in your own world for so long, it becomes hard to remember what you gain from everyone else’s. And there’s a lot to gain. That is, if you can manage to put up with all the noise every once and a while.”

He nodded toward the family room. The debate had greatly intensified, arms flailing in support of arguments they were only half making. They kept getting interrupted by their own laughter. She wondered whether any of them still cared about the films in question.

“Isaac will agree with me,” Tao said, before loudly yelling out his name.

“No!” Tara managed to squeak out. “Isaac is literally my best friend in the whole world, he’ll agree with me!”

“Tara!” Darcy yelled. “If Isaac is your best friend, what the fuck am I?”

“…Arm candy?”

The laughter broke out again in full force. She could feel the itch, the desire to join them, in spite of the headache it would give her. Just to prove that she could, if she wanted to. She could have this life. She could make these choices. She could pretend.

The truth barged in, smothered her doubt before it could grow into something properly delusional. She was not Isaac. They may have both made friends with the quiet, but he’d managed to build a door in it, allowing a funnel of noise to slowly creep in at a pace he could handle. In return, he sent back some of the silence, something this group was sorely missing. They balanced each other out.

Friendship, she was beginning to understand, was a transaction. Nobody gave all this joy for free. And she, with all her misery and melancholy, her self-destruction and self-isolation, could never afford to give enough. Not if she wanted anyone to stick around.

Except Charlie. Though he didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. And if he did, she was certain he would never have picked her. Taboo skills be damned.

Her silence was useless. It was suffocating, not peaceful. It didn’t offer balance — it overwhelmed. There was nothing for anyone around her to gain.

Maybe that was the reason she stayed on the train. Better to crash in ignorance than to know for certain that nobody would care if she made it out or not.

“It’s not that simple,” she finally said, so softly she wasn’t sure he’d hear her.

“I know.”

“And it’s safer. Keeping quiet.”

“It is.” There was something in his voice. Tori wondered if maybe one of Charlie’s friends would understand after all. “It gets a bit boring, though, doesn’t it?”

Tori couldn’t pull her eyes off the crowd. The thought of spending the night down here with them was exhausting. But the thought of going back to her dark room with her mediocre movie that she wouldn’t even finish didn’t make her feel any better.

“You’re very wise,” she told him.

“I read a lot of books.”

Elle finally offered up a third option— a rerun of some Bake Off episode they’d all already seen — and the others appeared to find her suggestion reasonable. Someone called Isaac’s name again, and he exhaled deeply.

He took a step forward, before pausing and turning back. “Should I tell them you’ll be joining us?”

Tori wasn’t confident that anybody would notice her absence. Not even Charlie.

“Tell them I was tired.”

She half expected him to look disappointed in her, which would be ridiculous because she hardly knew him. But all he did was nod.

She lingered in the hallway for another few minutes, before quietly making her way upstairs. Standing in front of her bedroom, she paused. It was so dark in there. The clouds must have shifted over the past hour or so, because there wasn’t any light coming through the window.

Her laptop lay abandoned on the floor beside her. It beckoned her, persuading her to return to her former state. Usually, with its endless library of movies and blogs, her computer felt familiar. Reliable. A singular comfort in a world that offered her nothing of the sort.

Tonight, it felt much more insidious. Like it knew she was an addict. Like it could see her resolve slipping. She could feel it lurking in the metaphorical and literal shadows, waiting for her inevitable relapse so it could swoop in and supply what it always did: mind-numbing distraction.

It was a very melodramatic way to perceive a piece of technology. That was what she told herself as she opened it back up again.

But instead of completing her retreat, she sat back down where she’d started, at the top of the stairs. She clicked play on her movie, but she lowered the volume and took one headphone out.

The sound from downstairs carried, like it had before. In one ear, she heard dialogue from her computer; in the other, she heard her brother and his friends adding commentary to their show. It made it impossible to follow either, and she knew she probably wouldn’t last more than fifteen minutes before she gave up and officially escaped back to her bedroom.

But for now, she did what she always did: listen.

It was almost enough.

#as always comments and kudos give me life #heartstopper #solitaire #osmanverse #heartstopper fanfic #solitarie fanfic #tori spring #charlie spring #nick and charlie #and yes the random olympic line is a nod to my boy michael holden

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linklethehistorian · 5 months ago

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Lullaby for A Princess FNAF Animatic Idea

So…since I have this really cool animatic idea in my head but I have no idea when or if I’m going to be able to complete it… I wanted to share my vision with y’all right away.

If anyone wants to take it and run with it, they def can, I’d just like credit for the idea if it’s like mine…and understanding that I may someday make it myself either way.

Anyway. Here’s my idea, with the slightly changed lyrics I’d put in captions/on the animatic itself, and some general palette ideas and stuff:

[Pale blue background, blue or purple lines]

Fate has been cruel and order unkind How can I have sent you away?

Here we see Michael standing shell-shocked after Garret has his head bitten His eyes wide, irises small and erratic William rushes past him to get Garret down

The blame was my own, the punishment yours.

We see Michael pointing towards Fredbear amongst his friends who are holding Garret, and then Garret either bleeding from Fredbear’s mouth or lying in the hospital bed with a bandaged head.

The family’s silent today.

We see the Afton family gathered around Garret’s bed, William comforting his wife and Elizabeth

But into the stillness I’ll bring you a song And I will your company keep

Michael approaches the bed slowly and sits beside his ailing little brother with broken eyes, and whispers he’s sorry for what he’s done, pushing a bit of his hair out Garret’s face

Til your tired eyes

We watch as Michael watches William snatches the toys away from Michael’s reach and starts making the bear talk to Garret, trying to hold back tears

And my lullabies

We see Michael holding his brother’s hand and looking depressed

Have carried you softly to sleep.

We watch Garret flatline and see the family — sans Michael — sob and gather together once more for comfort, until William lifts his head to look at young Michael, who is looking away in clear shame and depression, with cold eyes

[We switch to a pale yellow background, pink, purple, or orange lines as the view of William with his family transitions to a happier view of them standing on the stage of the restaurant as the children play, Henry standing behind them with Charlie beside him clinging to him]

Once did a man who shone like the sun Look out on his kingdom and sigh.

William sighs as he steps forward and looks out at the pizzeria, a hand on the curtains

He smiled and said “Surely there is nobody so lovely and so well beloved as I”

He looks back at Henry, smiling angelically as he proclaims the words, and Henry smiles at him in kind

So great was his reign

We see some shots of Henry and William manning the restaurant, and/or William in Spring Bonnie/cloth Spring Bonnie interacting happily with the children

And so brilliant his glory

We watch William interacting lovingly and playfully with his wife and kids individually

That long was the shadow he cast

But we watch as Michael is neglected and a shadow is cast over him from the rest of his family

Which fell dark upon the dear children he loved

Michael turns away bitterly, possibly pulling down his foxy mask as he does so to hide from view

And grew only darker as days and nights passed.

We see Garret at William’s hip turn to face the Fredbear and Spring Bonnie animatronics with fear in his eyes as we possibly see faint images of the children whispering to him on the playground about the animatronics killing people, tears start welling in his eyes

[The background color darkens away to a more menacing color — possibly red? Purple red?]

Soon did that young son take notice that others did not give his brother his dues.

We skip to a scene of Michael walking up to his father, who is playing with Garret and Elizabeth, and ask him a question/try to show him something, and William dismisses him, too focused on his other children. Garret stops playing for a moment, noticing this and watching as his older brother sighs in frustration and turns away

And neither had he loved him as he deserved He watched as his brother’s unhappiness grew.

We see Garret pranking Michael, leading to him being even more frustrated and/or Michael noticing Garret’s fear of Fredbear’s and the coming party but saying nothing to his father about it even as his father announces his plan to celebrate Garret’s birthday there

But such is the way of the limelight, it sweetly takes hold of the mind of its host.

We see a frustrated Michael start to snap as he watches Garret continue to take the attention away from — and get away with pranking — him, so he starts to escalate his own pranking to progressively worse and worse extremes, leading up to the day he locked him away in the parts and service room

And that foolish first son did nothing to stop the destruction of one who had needed him most.

And finally we see the hour of the bite of ‘83, seeing the moment of him and his friends dragging a crying and pleading Garret over to Fredbear, Michael’s face behind his mask obscured in shadow and cold, lifting him up to the animatronic, and then the bite itself and the reflection of it Michael’s fearful eyes

[We swap back to the first color pallette now, as we show the Afton family at the funeral of Garret, all clearly mourning, huddled under an umbrella or two as the rain pours down around them]

Lulay dear sibling, goodnight brother mine, rest now in moonlight’s embrace.

We watch as Michael approaches the casket alone, placing the singular flower on the casket and his fist closes and tightens upon the lid around the vine

Bear up my lullaby, winds of the earth, through cloud and through sky and through space. Carry the peace and the coolness of night And carry my sorrow in kind

He tenses up a bit, tears forming in his eyes as he releases the flower, surprised as the wind suddenly sweeps it away up into the sky and he watches it be carried away, the tears finally falling down his face

Garret, you’re loved so much more than you know. May troubles be far from your mind.

Michael turns his head to watch Elizabeth bring a flower of her own in one hand and Garret’s beloved Fredbear plush, also being made to hold a flower, in the other and place them upon the casket

And forgive me for being so blind.

He turns away, closing his fist once more with his hand still touching the casket lid, and whispers “forgive me for being so blind” in time with the lyrics

[A blur of faded out scenes play out before us in the same color pallette but faded as the music and then lyrics play out]

We see Michael grieving in his bed shaking and crying, we see the Emilies at the grave of Charlie and William comforting Henry (but some manner of visual indication that he was the one to have killed her) and then Henry’s wife walking away with Sam and taking him away, we see William reading a book about remnant while staring at the obviously possessed Fredbear plush desperately

The years melt before us

We see things such as William building Circus Baby, and Mrs. Afton fighting with him over him always being busy, we see Elizabeth sneak in to see Circus Baby when William isn’t looking and her hand reaching for the ice cream, maybe a red splattered screen to indicated blood?

Fearful and unknown

We watch William’s distraught reaction at finding her body, her funeral, some indication of both parents’ grief

I never imagined

We see some implication Mrs. Afton killed herself in her grief, and then William telling his grieving son (with an indication on a newspaper sitting somewhere of the MCI having already happened by now) that his sister is still out there and that he needs his help to bring her back

I’d face them on my own.

We see Michael don his guard outfit for the first time, a determined expression on his face as he walks up to Baby, maybd him being scooped

May these thousand winters

A montage plays of him dragging himself out into the street with a hole in his stomach (maybe Ennard leaving and some indication he is healing thanks to the remnant/a ghostly apparition to indicate he can now communicate with the spirits/knows what his dad did?), him fighting with Henry and leaving as Henry sighs

Swiftly pass I pray

Imagery of Michael in FNAF 1 office, FNAF 2 office, FNAF 3 office, and then learning in a dream that William was killed in the Springlock suit and waking up in a panic, he glances down at the logbook on his desk

I love you

He calms down as he sees the image of the Fredbear plush on the page, his expression softening considerably into something sweet but almost sad, and his hand traces over the page and glances at Circus Baby image too (maybe make some reference to the “he tripped and fell on Freddy’s teeth, not our fault” he wrote in there too)

I miss you

Tears well up in his eyes and we see him grow sadder…

All these miles away.

…until he finally lets his head down onto the desk in depression and just lays there

May all your dreams be sweet tonight. Safe upon your bed of moonlight.

In a scene change, we see Michael carrying four flowers in his hand and then we see him standing at the graves of his mom, his his sister, his brother, with Charlie in the background, each of three of the three other graves having a flower upon it (with Charlie’s having an additional bouquet on it so as to imply Henry had visited at some point recently), as he places the last flower on Garret’s grave

And know not of sadness, Pain, or care.

We see Michael lighting Fazbear’s Fright ablaze in an attempt to destroy springtrap and leaving

And when I die I’ll fly away And meet you there

We see Michael’s logbook laying in the rubble with fire still barely burning, a hint of springtrap still being there, and the logbook open to the page where Michael had drawn a grave on the page asking where he sees himself in five years’ time

Sleep Sleep Sleep

We see Michael gathering all of the animatronics at the Pizzeria Simulator Pizzeria, him fending them off in the office, Henry contacting him about his plans, and the building being set ablaze with both Henry and Michael and all of the animatronics in it

#linklethehistorian #thoughts #my thoughts #fnaf #five nights at freddy's #my original content #my animatic #lullaby for a princess

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pridepages · 2 years ago

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Winterlude: This Winter

I just finished This Winter by Alice Oseman. I have thoughts...

Here there be spoilers!

Tis the festive season! In honor of December and the approaching holidays, I’ve decided to fit a couple of more titles fit for the spirit into these last weeks of the year. Although, as for many struggling queer people, not all of these stories are merry.

This Winter is a novella featuring the beloved cast of Heartstopper and Solitaire. Readers of either or both will recall that Charlie Spring’s mental health required him to spend time inpatient, and that he finally came home in December. But as This Winter reminds us: mental health treatment isn’t the end of the journey. It is at most an interlude. And one of the hardest tests comes after, when patients and their loved ones have to figure out: where do we go from here?

Winter is a quick read set entirely over the events of one day--Christmas--narrated from the views of all three Spring children: Tori, Charlie, and Oliver. Though the struggles have largely been Charlie’s, the split perspective allows the reader to understand how living and loving with mental illness doesn’t happen in a vacuum. All of the children have suffered in different ways, and all of them are desperate to find their way back to each other in their new reality.

Of all of them, Tori Spring is the one I feel for the most. All eyes in the family have been on Charlie, as they had to be when Charlie’s life was at risk. But that hyperfocus allowed people to push Tori and her quieter suffering to the side. Tori has trained herself to believe that Charlie’s illness “was probably my fault” because “when I noticed something was off with him...I didn’t talk to him enough. I didn’t do enough.” Because the adults who love her have trouble discussing and processing emotions, Tori’s shutdown isn’t questioned. People have no idea that Tori feels desperately lonely and inadequate, longing to be loved by the brother she adores: “I’m trying my best...I started being his friend as well as his sister.” But Charlie’s too lost in his own suffering to see how his rejection hurts Tori. And Tori doesn’t dare push for more support. “He’s being unfair, but I don’t have any right to be annoyed with him...I don’t matter. He matters.” But of course she matters. Just because her anxiety and depression fold inward, are quieter, doesn’t make them less worthy of being seen. Tori is not less worthy of love just because her distress isn’t as evident.

I don’t mean to be cruel to Charlie. He’s clearly come a long way in his recovery, finally able to recognize that “the restrictive eating, the self-harm, and my other compulsions...are coping mechanisms. It’s not about just stopping myself doing those things, it’s about figuring out why I feel those impulses, what the emotional stuff is underneath. While there’ll be good days and bad days, I can get better.” But the holidays are almost automatically guaranteed to be Bad Days. Because, as Tori points out, “Christmas is a stressful time for people with eating disorders, since food is such a big part of the day.” Add to the volatile mix a bunch of visiting family who can’t seem to stop making insensitive comments about everything from Charlie’s mental health to his sexuality and the toxic mess begins to boil. Charlie tries his best to grit his teeth through every painful conversation, navigate his triggers, and stay in control. He wants to deliver the Perfect Family image for his parents. But as he takes hit after hit, Charlie finds his reserves drain to zero: “I should have defended myself better. I’m tired, though. I’m so tired of defending myself.” Ultimately unable to take any more, Charlie flees his home to go find comfort with his boyfriend, Nick.

It would be easy to cast Charlie as the perpetual innocent victim. While Charlie is dealing with a lot, Winter doesn’t absolve him of his responsibilities or his wrongdoing. Charlie laments “when people know you’re mentally ill, most people treat you like you’re strange, scary, or fascinating. Very few people are actually good at the middle ground. The middle ground isn’t hard. It’s just being there. Being helpful, if help is needed. Being understanding, even if they don’t understand everything.” But he’s wrong about at least one thing: the middle ground is not easy. People who love Charlie, like Tori, desperately want to know what the right way is to navigate that middle ground. They’re struggling to figure it out, and all they’re getting from Charlie is negative feedback about how they’re doing it wrong. The middle ground doesn’t look the same for every person, so it requires some trial and error on both sides to find out what it looks like to each individual.

As Nick gently points out to Charlie: “I think sometimes you’re so scared of being a burden that it makes you terrified to ask for help. But you have lots of people around you that would be there for you, if you opened up about what help you need.” Charlie does have a responsibility here to communicate: to tell his loved ones what’s working as well as what isn’t. And if he’s not getting something he needs, Charlie needs to ask for it instead of expecting them to read his mind. Most importantly, Charlie needs to recognize that just because he needs more support in this area at this time doesn’t mean he can ignore the ways he is able to love and support others. Tori still needs him. Tori is asking for his love and affection, as is little Oliver, in his own way. Charlie can’t keep neglecting the ways that they need him back.

The fact is that we’ll never be perfect. Naturally selfish creatures, people have a tendency to get lost in their own perspective and lose sight of what others are going through. We end up hurting each other, disappointing each other, and making mistakes. So after a dark interlude, how do we move forward? It’s little Oliver who brings us the simplest, truest wisdom: “You could just say sorry. That’s what you have to do when you say something bad. Say sorry.” In the end, we leave the Spring siblings where they belong: with each other. They recognize that there’s still a lot of work to do. They have to learn how to communicate with each other. They have to learn how to spot Bad Days on the horizon, how to weather the storm, and how to come back when it passes. But you believe that they can. You believe that they will.

#this winter #alice oseman #osemanverse #lgbt reads #queer lit #tw mental health #tw eating disorders #mlm #gay #bisexual

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ataraxiaspainting · 29 days ago

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https://www.tumblr.com/xxsabitoxx/722943826706169856/get-to-know-me?source=share

if you don't mind, maybe do this ask game? c:

sure!! i love getting asks like this, so thank you very much!! <3

i'll only answer like half of this because some of them were already answered previously!

❤️ how tall are you?

unfortunately 5'4.

🧡 what is your sexuality?

asexual!

💛 what is your favorite feature on yourself?

i guess my eyes! the blue shines in the sun and the brown part looks like honey. <3

💜 describe yourself in five words or less!

hmm... emotional, girly, creative, imaginative, and curious!

🩷 dream job?

definitely a therapist! i genuinely just like helping people.

🖤 favorite hobbies outside of your blog

walking, going to farmers markets, and cooking/baking!

🎂 when is your birthday?

november 13! <3

🌙 your zodiac (Sun, Moon, Rising)

scorpio sun, aries moon, gemini rising

💉do you have tattoos and/or piercings

yep! i wanna get more in the future too!

🚗 can you drive?

yes.... but i think everyone should know that if i drove a car without an instructor or some other kind of supervision, we would all see me on the news. so technically no.

✈️ favorite place you’ve traveled

definitely pennsylvania or upstate new york! cottagecore vibes all around in those areas. i think i just love the animals, and nature is always nice to see especially with a floral skirt flowing in the spring/summer breeze. i don't support the amish though. i've seen the documentaries so 🙅‍♀️. i'm also not saying japan because i was very little at the time and i wanna visit for real someday.

🎤 have you been to a concert

YES!!! i wanna go to more now that i have my own adultbankaccount™. i've seen the beach boys, mitski, some k-pop groups, yungblud, bring me the horizon, scene queen, and queen! i really want to go to some more k-pop/j-pop concerts but ticketmaster will continue to be my generational curse for decades to come.

🎵 favorite artists

my music taste is all over the place, but the most consistent artists i follow are: sir chloe, mitski, lana del rey, tyler, the creator, yoasobi, charlie xcx, will wood, kendrick lamar, and depeche mode.

🎧 last song you listened too

swan song by lana del rey!

📺 last show you watched

the legend of vox machina with the fam!! i'm only a few episodes in, but i really like these godless chaotic neutral mercenaries. vax is my fav but his sister is also very hot.....

📝 last thing you wrote

i'm working on some yan overhaul stories right now, and then some requests + self-indulgent birthday writing.

🔐 something no one would guess about you

um...... that i have depression? i think i'm a pretty positive person when i'm with my friends, but the real ones know i'm the personification of that sad bow hamster image.

🧟‍♀️ scariest thing that’s happened to you

men. that's it, that's my answer.

🔥 craziest thing that’s ever happened to you

weird people having crushes on me. especially in high school. people are just weirdos sometimes.

🍓 favorite food

tomato soup with rice!!! omg.... my ultimate comfort food. i don't like campbell's tomato soup though, tastes like a bowl of ketchup with cream mixed in. so i make it myself, and if i'm feeling fancy i add some roasted garlic and potato on top <333. god tier.

🍅 least favorite food

i feel like i'm gonna get crucified for this, but milk and white chocolate. way too sweet for me, though my family all loves them.

🍊 favorite season?

fall!!! it's colder but all the leaves are so pretty, and the bugs go back to hell where they belong. pumpkins and apples are such a big plus too!

🍋 favorite genre to read / watch / write

horror/thriller definitely! ever since i was little, i've always loved the yandere theme and psychological themes in general. seeing the world through someone else's perspective is quite interesting to me.

🍐 if you could make one character real, who would it be

uh........ i think ash lynx (banana fish) or shouko komi (komi can't communicate). i do kin them, but i do also think we'd be best buds. ash especially deserves better.

🫐 some place you’d love to visit

california, iceland, and france!! i would also say australia but i hate bugs. sorry. the birds are really pretty though.

🍇 a word your friends would use to describe you

comfort i guess? idk, that word is common among my friends.

🍒 what is your earliest memory

running after a stray cat in egypt as a toddler. didn't get very far, but i did get to pet it eventually. it grimaced at my family, but i can swear it didn't with me.

🍌 what is one talent you wish you had

definitely public speaking. i freeze up and cry for the rest of the day when i do so.

💌 why did you start this blog?

i've loved writing horror/thriller for the longest time, and i think most characters i like have plenty of potential to be scary.

✏️ when did you start writing fanfic

oh god..... basically in the womb. kidding, around eight or nine after i got really into tokyo mew mew.

🖇️ what are your favorite asks to answer

definitely oversharing asks! i love talking <3

📚 how do you come up with the fics you write

mostly from reading!! i love learning descriptive language and such from horror authors. films too, but not as often.

🔍 what character do you enjoy writing for the most

🕷📕 guess from the emojis....... it should be an actual legal offense how much i love him.....

🖊️ what character do you not enjoy writing for

don't get mad at me, but gojo. idk. people make such wonderful fics about him all the time, and i think i fall for the comparison trap. that and i'm more of a geto girlie.

❤️‍🔥 what character do you simp for most often

megamind forehead antichrist wannabe. as my older sister said, my taste is so broken.

🧚‍♀️ favorite characters of all time

a lot um...

ash lynx, shouko komi, chr*ll*, yashiro nene, makima, luka (alien stage), shizuku murasaki, aya (bandori), casper (a date with death), odile (swan lake), pakunoda, machi, arlecchino, lilith (the owl house), amity (the owl house), hero (omori), blade, eddie gluskin (outlast), falin, stolas (helluva boss), angel dust (hazbin), sebastian (stardew valley), aventurine, hannibal lecter, johan liebert, verosika mayday, feitan, kafka, geto, gojo, ai hoshino, kokomi (genshin), alexandrina sebastiane, shalnark, andrew and ashley (the coffin of andy and leyley), illumi zoldyck, jobu tupaki, violet evergarden, heather chandler, monika (ddlc), scar (the lion king) sephiroth, sunday, haruhi fujioka, isabella (the promised neverland), astarion, topaz, il dottore, scaramouche, zhongli, diluc, kaeya, alhaitham, columbina, shadowheart, homura akemi, yor forger, lyney, gabriel (the mandela catalogue), xiao, robin (hsr), kurapika, mahito, kenzo tenma, deathstroke, vincent edgeworth (vincent and the secret of myers), vincent (dead plate), pariston hill, griffith (berserk), emperor belos, dr. ratio, satou (happy sugar life), power, jinx, childe, furina, alastor, albert krueger (therapy with dr albert krueger).

i'm gonna be so honest, i just listed every character i have a playlist of on spotify. my taste is all over the place.....

🪐 favorite shows / series of all time

hannibal, hunter x hunter, banana fish, and arcane!!

🌝 a show you would recommend to anyone

definitely the og avatar the last airbender! it's good for all age groups and the writing is just spectacular.

🌚 a show you’d tell people to stay away from

uhhhhhhh........ i'm thinking vampire knight or diabolik lovers. as a young teen i watched both, and they definitely both had plenty of problems. many. not shaming anyone though!

☂️ your favorite fanfic from another writer

definitely cogency of the deluded by my friend @teabutmakeitazure! her writing style is so good i can eat it with a spoon. nom nom.

thank you for asking for this, anon!!

#aya answers #anonymous #sweet anons #about aya

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hershey-not-the-chocolate-maybe · 2 years ago

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tori spring because well ... diet lemonade !!! (iykyk) , but in all seriousness I relate to her a lot, family is okay but not that great and have done some shit that fucked me up, socially very distant and not a peoples person , my blog is one of the few things very dear to me . cranky and confused most of the time and to epitomize all this , just very depressed and miserable .

charlie too ... him and me, with the anxiety problems , overthinking , thinking that he is hard to love and it'd be sm better if he didnt exist and having body image issues to such an extent that now he has to deal with an ed too, 🤝

I have decided to start a chain. Reblog and put your comfort/relatable character (and a reasoning if you desire). And hope people have fun with this! I'll start,

Friends who I am tagging because why not, they may be interested: @bylerr-swift @bumblebeezstuffz

Edit: I forgot to mention, but multiple are allowed. The more the merrier, GO NUTS PEOPLE!

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cannondisabledcharacters · 3 years ago

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Today’s disabled character of the day is Charlie Spring from Heartstopper, who has anorexia, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and depression

Requested by Anon

[Image Description: Black and white of a boy turning to the viewer. He is wearing a jacket, undershirt, and a backpack. He has short dark curly hair.]

#OCD character #anorexic character #depressed character #Charlie Spring #heartstopper #heartstopper Charlie Spring #disabled character of the day

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daltonacademia · 4 years ago

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There’s A Time For Daring - 1

charlie dalton x fem!reader [post events of the movie]

word count: 1.7k

warning: allusions to sex / slight sexual harrassment? drinking, mentions of neil’s suicide, horrible parents

Charlie couldn’t help but emit a low growl as his vomit-inducing, picture-perfect, high-society mother and father, whom he despised, prodded him towards the expansive front entrance of Nealson Preparatory School located in southern Vermont. His fuschia-lipped, cakey-faced mother, Cynthia Dalton, was a well-dressed, dignified housewife by day and charming socialite by night; she was particularly harsh as she trampled his pen-stained oxfords with her spearish kitten heels. His eyes shot daggers at the snow-strewn path below, a familiar fire burning in his core.

There were many things Charlie was tempted to furiously spit out at his parents, but instead, he managed to keep his jaw clamped shut, his pearly whites digging into the light pink of his lips hard enough to draw blood. No matter what he shouted, cried, pleaded, they wouldn’t budge. They never would. And it was infuriating.

“Charles! Being expelled from such a prestigious school is no laughing matter, young man. That school cost us quite the pretty penny! How dare you defy the rules to the extent of expulsion. It’s disgraceful, and I will tolerate it no longer!” Charlie’s mother shrieked, furious tears smudging the thick mascara that coated her eyelashes.

“You’ll be shipped off to Nealson Preparatory School in February, and if I hear so much as a single mention of your name not followed with overwhelming compliments, you can expect nasty, nasty consequences! Go pack your things, you’ll be staying with Aunt Barbara until the first of February finally arrives!” The rims of Charlie’s brown eyes stung with anger, frustration, and furthest down, sadness. He was diminished to nothing but an image-ruiner to his mother. The person who was supposed to love him, protect him, save him from the horrors of this hell called Earth.

Mr. Dalton silently observed the boisterous outburst from his expensive leather armchair across the den, a glass of strong, half-drunk whiskey in his palm. Charlie couldn’t bear to see their despicable faces any longer, and as his body felt no longer under his control, stomped up the stairs in a huff, rapidly swiping away the glassy tears spilling from his eyes. Thoughts of running away, escaping it all, flooded his unstable mind. ‘I get why you did it, Neil. I really do. But did you have to go so soon?’

But instead of lingering on the image of Neil any longer, he hastily threw his bare necessities into his suitcase, which was still covered in an array of Welton Academy stickers.

The grounds of Nealson were unsurprisingly well-maintained; it reminded him a lot of Welton. The impeccably manicured lawns, gleaming, icy blue lake, the gothic stone arches and pillars. It was eerily similar to Hellton, even down to the ice-cold blanket of snow coating the distant rolling hills. It’s beautiful, Charlie thought, surveying the slow sprinkling of snow, No, it’s hideous.

Before he could fully vomit at the vile grounds of his new school, his parents fiercely shoved him inside the Headmaster’s dingy office, politely taking the vacant mahogany seats beside him. Charlie couldn’t be bothered to listen to a word his parents said with pearly white smiles, which were no doubt tooth-rotting, sugar-coated lies about the real reason he was expelled over a month prior.

He knew that they couldn’t just be transparent and tell the Headmaster that he had socked the utterly vile Richard Cameron’s face in (rightfully so, in his opinion), or that he was a star member of the infamous Dead Poets Society, or that he had gone to the extreme lengths to stage a phone call from none other than God himself. It didn’t work like that.

His mother’s cheeky, artificial voice sounded precisely the same as it always had: carefully rehearsed and slathered with naivety. Seemingly without hesitation, the catty woman could deflect any less-than-pleasant questions or insinuations about her “golden role-model” son, who’s admittedly “a little misguided at times”.

The new headmaster seated across from him appeared to be around the same age as Mr. Nolan, which, as far as Charlie was concerned, was older than the Cretaceous period at least. His pale-as-a-ghost skin was wrinkled and paper-thin; his patchy, gelled side-swept hair was (very obviously) dyed a deep, midnight black, reminiscent of an off-brand Elvis.

Charlie’s ears continued to mute the awkward conversation happening amongst him, his focus instead shifting around to the various awards and certificates lining the ivory walls. They all seemed so phony; ‘Best Headmaster- 1947-1959’, ‘Nealson Academy: Exceeds Expectations’. The Headmaster had even framed his high school superlative: ‘Voted Most Likely to Succeed’. What a pathetic-

In a swift blur, his parents rose from their seats, his mother clutching her magenta purse with matching pursed lips. Charlie was handed a hefty, stapled packet packed full of school rules and guidelines with a denture-toothed smile from Headmaster ‘Campbell’. This’d make some decent kindling, he thought as he yanked the packet from his clammy clutches, leafing through its pages with a smirk, this garbage’s almost laughable.

A syncopated rhythm of raps on the door, followed by a gravelly, ‘come in', presented his new dorm escort. His chauffeur just so happened to be you, the accomplished and universally admired student body president in the same grade as the newcomer. You were dutifully donning Nealson’s horrendous uniform: a crisp, white button-up accented with a blue and silver tie was topped with a depressing grey sweater vest. An equally loathsome pleated skirt concealed your thighs, and your ankles were shielded from the chilly February air with black crew socks.

You extended your perfectly manicured, soft hand out to your brand-new peer with a yearbook-worthy smile, introducing, “Hi. Welcome to Nealson, I’m Y/N Y/L/N.” You swore you heard the brunette mutter something disrespectful under his breath, but nonetheless, he, rather unprofessionally, shook your hand with an eye roll. Things between the two of you were not starting off the way you hoped, but you were determined to make a good impression. The best impression possible.

“Charlie Dalton,” he replied with a mischievous smirk. The brunette standing in front of you reeked of cigarettes, and there was the slightest smell of cheap beer clinging to his clothes. His brown hair was messy, springing out in every direction, despite the water furiously combed through it. His eyes glinted with rebellion, a look so alluring yet dangerous.

“I’ll be showing you to your dorm, which you’ll sleep in for the remainder of the year.” Since Dalton was starting in February, he only had five months of studying before long-awaited senior year. Mr. Campbell waved the two of you off, and with that, you trekked towards the Boys’ wing, Dalton sauntering at your side.

The walk through the main corridor was silent and awkward. You had tried to enchant him with fun facts about Nealson and its (extensively selective) history, much to his obvious boredom and dismay. His umber eyes glazed the walls, uninterested in the decor. His mind seemed to be elsewhere, but for all you knew, it could be on the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

After a while of treading through the high-ceilinged corridors illuminated with fleeting pale rays of sunlight, the boy next to you made no attempt to hide him drawing designs up and down your body.

“I’ve never been to a school with both boys and girls,” he drawled with a smirk. “Do things ever get exciting around here?”

You shook your head no while indiscreetly tugging down the hem of your skirt uncomfortably, and he said, “Do you think you’d maybe wanna spend the night with me in my dorm? Make sure I’m all settled in?”

Your whole body, from head to toe, froze. The audacity of this… creep! Your tongue poked, nearly stabbed, the back of your teeth, wanting to unleash a select few words to the disgusting Dalton beside you. But alas, if he were to tell anyone of your fiery wrath, you’d be demoted from class president faster than you could explain what really happened. It’s a corrupt system, sure, but even with the power that comes with such a title, there was no way to mend it.

Eventually, while you were wrapped up in the furies of your mind, Dalton revealed a small, autographed golf ball from his trousers pocket and began throwing it up and down above his head casually with every step.

“Can you not?” you snapped at the chestnut-haired boy after he tossed the sphere up and down again in an arch. “Don’t wanna get in trouble on your first day, do you?”

“You think this’ll get me in trouble? Have a little fun, it won’t kill you. I promise.” Dalton turned his gaze towards you, an annoyed but smug grin painted on his lips. He slowly tossed the golf ball to your hands, intending for you to catch it. However, the small ball evaded your grasp, instead bouncing around the hardwood floors below you, creating a series of loud, reverberating thunks.

“You were supposed to catch it, you know,” Dalton teased, nonchalantly watching you chase after the rogue orb. After it was finally safe in your clutches, you stomped over to the no-good newbie, irritated.

“Nealson’s strict. They don’t let stuff like creating an awful lot of racket go unreprimanded.” You were seething; red-hot blood pumped through your veins. Dalton didn’t look anything but utterly amused.

“Wow, you’re just about one of the biggest suck-ups I’ve seen in a while.”

“A what?” you growled.

“A suck-up. A rule-following poster child of excellence? A bratty, know-it-all? Anything along those lines?” He sputtered insults so nonchalantly, it made your blood boil and eyes sting.

“You better watch it, Dalton. I don’t know who you think you are-”

“I’m the best thing that’s happened to this school, by the looks of it.”

You had nothing left to say to this conceited shuck of a boy who really thought that he was all that and a side of fries. Well he wasn’t! Not in the slightest! And if his first day of classes wouldn’t drill it into him, you would.

The rest of the walk was pin-drop silent and tense. No more fun facts about Nealson escaped your downturned lips, just the light patting of his beat-up oxfords and your pristine mary-janes on the polished wood floor. The hallways seemed more depressing than usual, their framed portraits and condensated windows didn’t fill you with the motivation that you came to expect.

After finally arriving at the boys’ dormitories, you grumbled, “well, this is it. Have a swell life, Dalton.”

“Right back at ya, Y/L/N. Let’s hope this isn’t the last time we meet.” He gave you a cheeky wink before slamming the door in your face.

#dead poets society #Dead Poets Society (1989)#dead poetry #dead poets society x reader #dead poets society quotes #DPS #dps fanfiction #charlie dalton x reader #charlie dalton x y/n #charlie dalton

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hollyoaksloversx · 5 years ago

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In Too Deep...

Rounding up a week in Hollyoaks (13-17th April 2020)

There were no bans on unnecessary travel in the Hollyoaks universe this week as Sid, Juliet, Ollie and Imran headed to Southport. However, Juliet and Sid were initially unaware that Jordan wanted them to carry out a drugs run whilst they were away and the whole operation was nearly thrown into chaos when Juliet dumped Sid and decided she wasn’t going. However, after finding out what Jordan had planned, and worrying about Sid’s safety if he went alone, Juliet changed her mind.

The following day, Juliet, Sid, Ollie and Imran headed to Southport and Juliet and Sid were clearly on edge, especially when they saw the police patrolling the train they were on. The gang eventually made it to Southport unscathed and whilst Ollie and Imran headed off to enjoy the arcades, Juliet and Sid went to carry out their ‘job’ for Jordan. Arriving at a house, the pair delivered the stash of drugs but were horrified to find the place full of young teenagers dividing drugs up into bags. Juliet had a run in with another girl and on their way out, stole her phone.

With the job complete, Sid and Juliet headed down to the beach, where the pair had a heart to heard about their relationship. Sid admitted that he’d seen the way that Juliet had looked at Peri before they left and told her that he knew she wasn’t straight. Juliet was relieved when Sid proved to be supportive, however, they were interrupted by the drug dealers from earlier on, looking for the stolen phone. Sid was subjected to a brutal beating and had a knife pulled on him, just as Ollie and Imran arrived on the scene. The dealers fled, and after establishing that Sid was okay, the teens agreed to never speak about what had happened again. Once the group arrived back in Chester, Juliet was reluctant to give Jordan the money for the drugs and stashed it at home instead. However, it looks like she’s going to be left with a lot of explaining to do as a horrified Marnie discovered the money...

Meanwhile, still struggling with his depression, Darren set about spring cleaning the house in an attempt to keep his mind occupied. However, the mammoth task soon overwhelmed him and he slumped to the floor when Charlie and Ella headed off to play that bloody game and Mandy took DJ to a baby group. When Mandy returned some hours later, Darren was still in the same spot and failed to show any emotion when an excited Mandy told him that DJ had taken his first steps. The following day, things were no better and Darren wandered off on his own. At the restaurant, Kyle was concerned when Darren failed to arrive for his shift and eventually found him on a rooftop. After an emotional exchange with Kyle, Darren agreed not to jump for the sake of his kids and Kyle took Darren home, incurring the wrath of Nancy in the process, who believed the pair had gone out drinking. Whilst Darren agreed to phone the Doctor the following morning, Kyle went back to meet Nancy, who was furious with him for running off and stormed out. As Kyle chased after her, he bumped into Jordan and, in his upset state, asked if he could get get him something stronger...

In other news this week, Nancy invited Kyle’s parents, Mark and Carole, to dinner, and we were treated to delightful tales all about his Mother’s unfortunate run in with a prawn sandwich at a service station. Imran decided that a change of image was in order and grew the world’s most pathetic moustache. Brendan Brady can rest easy, though. His crown for ‘greatest tache in Hollyoaks’ remains intact when, believing that the moustache made him ‘irritable’ to the opposite sex, Imran decided it had to go. Scott agreed to keep quiet about what he’d heard last week, but warned Felix that if he hurt Mitchell, his secret would be out. Finally Peri was furious when she discovered that Jordan was a drug dealer...

This Week’s Cast:

Charlie, Cindy, Carole, Darren, Ella, Felix, Goldie, Imran, Jordan, Juliet, Kyle, Leela, Mandy, Mark, Marnie, Misbah, Mitchell, Nancy, Ollie, Peri, Scott, Sid and Walter.

Blasts From The past:

Holly Cunningham.

#Hollyoaks #Highlight #Sid Sumner #Juliet Quinn #Oliver Morgan #Imran Maalik #Marnie Nightingale #Darren Osborne #Kyle Kelly #Nancy Osborne #Mandy Richardson #Charlie Dean #Ella Richardson #Jordan Price #Peri Lomax #Leela Lomax #Scott Drinkwell #Mitchell Deveraux #Felix Westwood

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elavita · 2 years ago

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11/28/2022 - Return

Hey there old friend!

Today was my first day back at Uni in a little under a week. I only have two more weeks left till Christmas break! I am so excited. I am so over it. I just studied for a test.

I ate very well today; my appetite is back.

I did a muscle tutorial on YouTube. Warning, this is very rough, as it is my first time really doing anything like this, Haha. But damn she look mighty thicc...

Yeah, she is kinda leaning over haha. Also, ignore the feet. I haven't gotten a chance to master that yet. For the type of art I want to focus on, muscular figures aren't too necessary, but the basic principles are necessary. That is why I really didn't refine her as much as I wanted too.

I hope to start a face/hair tutorial tomorrow. I love drawing more feminine characters. I think I just have a fascination for the natural feminine beauty and elegance. However, a hot sexy man is always good to draw too!

Good night, all! I will keep practicing! It helps decrease my stress, which is great! Any tips are appreciated!!

~ Finn

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ao3feed-narlie · 1 year ago

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Mind Games

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/3vfZjT6 by angel_of_small_death_finds_someone_new Charlie’s mental health is on the decline as he moves into his 11th year at Truham. Ben Hope notices. Words: 1161, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Heartstopper (TV) Rating: Explicit Warnings: Underage Categories: M/M Characters: Nicholas "Nick" Nelson, Charles "Charlie" Spring (Heartstopper), Tao Xu, Victoria "Tori" Spring, Jane Spring, Julio Spring, Elle Argent, Nellie Nelson, Benjamin "Ben" Hope, Harry Greene, Tara Jones, Darcy Olsson Relationships: Nicholas "Nick" Nelson/Charles "Charlie" Spring, Benjamin "Ben" Hope/Charles "Charlie" Spring, Charles "Charlie" Spring & Victoria "Tori" Spring, Charles "Charlie" Spring & Tao Xu, Elle Argent & Charles "Charlie" Spring, Tara Jones/Darcy Olsson, Elle Argent/Tao Xu Additional Tags: Eating Disorders, Body Image, Non-Consensual Touching, Rape/Non-con Elements, Charles "Charlie" Spring (Heartstopper) has Anxiety, Established Nicholas "Nick" Nelson/Charles "Charlie" Spring, Hurt Charles "Charlie" Spring (Heartstoper), Past Benjamin "Ben" Hope/Charles "Charlie" Spring, Protective Nicholas "Nick" Nelson, Tao Xu is a Good Friend, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Depression, Benjamin "Ben" Hope Being an Asshole, Benjamin "Ben" Hope Bashing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, Physical Abuse read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/3vfZjT6

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #heartstopper #narlie #nick x charlie #nick nelson #charlie spring #narlie fanfic

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ofkamis · 5 years ago

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danielle campbell. cisfemale. she/her. ／ kameron “kami” abbott just pulled up blasting man by jojo — that song is so them ! you know, for a twenty-six year old singer & actress, i’ve heard they’re really self-destructive, but that they make up for it by being so persistent. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say midnight drives with the top down, music playing loudly through headphones, & a wall of paintings from everywhere she’s been. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble !

general info

full name: kameron joanne abbott

birthdate: november 3rd, 1993

stage name/nickname: kami

acting & voice claims: bridgit mendler & jojo levesque

basically if you know who jojo is ......... that’s kami. but if you don’t, watching this 26 min video explains everything ( and is kind of worth the watch bc jojo is a fucking QUEEN )

growing up and rise to fame

kameron abbott was born in massachusetts to recently divorced lynette & joshua abbott. though they were divorced due to other extra marital issues ( her father and mother were both cheating on each other for the length of their marriage ) they decided they could be co parents.

when they made these plans, they didn’t expect it to really affect them as much. their own personal issues made it hard for the two grown adults to get along and they wound up fighting all the time.

kameron lived with her mother full time, seeing her dad often though, but most of her early memories include hearing the two of them fighting or making comments about each other in front of her.

was seven years old when she got her first singing gig, she was going to be singing the national anthem at a school event, which is where somebody else saw her and she wound up singing at another event.

it was at one of these events that kameron was spotted by a talent scout and brought in to a recording studio. she wasn’t sure if it was going to work for her, but she was excited nonetheless. a real paying job! singing and making music, man it was her dream. she would give anything for it. -- sure, she liked acting too, but music was her real actual passion.

they signed a contract when kami was ten and a half, and started looking into music that they could use for her. kami was interested in writing her own music, but at ten years old she didn’t have a lot of life experiences to draw on for music. so the label worked with different demos and gave her some options and they worked with her to pick what would be best.

kameron and her mother relocated to brooklyn, ny when she was eleven years old, working on getting her music heard by people who mattered and working on the album. it was a lot of time that kameron took out of her school in order to work on everything.

some of the kids in school were always curious why she was missing so much school, and yet was still at the top of her class. kameron continued getting her school work even when she’d be working in the studio either in new york or los angeles.

her first single “leave ( get out )” dropped the summer before her 12th birthday. the album followed, titled “kami”, was released the next winter early in the year.

suddenly, there was a lot of press about the tiny girl who had a powerful voice. she was on talkshows and working on different circuts getting her music out and talking about everything.

claiming that fame

kameron’s life changed drastically when her album dropped. she thought they would be staying in new york, since that’s where the label had relocated her. but shortly after the release, they decided it would be best to bring her out to los angeles instead.

so at thirteen kami found herself in a new city ( again ), surrounded by people she didn’t know. sure, she was making a name for herself, but what the hell was she really doing?

kami wound up not going to any of the local schools, instead her mother decided it would be best to home school her in the meantime while they were in a period of adjusting to a new place and working on her second album.

it wasn’t anything that they expected to be doing so quickly after the first, but the abbott women adjusted.

during this time kami didn’t see her father a lot. she would call him and talk to him here and there, but since he lived on the east coast and she was on a tight schedule there wasn’t time to do much of anything.

on top of working on a second album so soon after her first, kami was auditioning for film roles. she even managed to land a lead role in the film aquamarine -- which meant she was filming that and had to put the album on pause for a couple of months.

aquamarine premiered the spring of 2007, and was claimed to be one of the best “sleepover flics”. the kind teenage and preteen girls watch to get their minds off of their own problems.

she got close with her co-stars too, some of the first real hollywood friends she had.

following the success of her theatrical debut kami’s second album dropped the following year ( this time, 2007 ) ( very unusual for me, but i’m keeping the track listings of jojo’s first two albums the same for kami’s ....... a wild concept ik ) actually just before halloween.

during the process of promoting her new album, kami got her second film role in the movie rv. the film came out in the summer of 2008.

of course, as much as kami liked acting, she really wanted to be in the studio working on music of her own. but there was something else going on.

the lawsuit

kameron wanted to be in the studio for everything -- she’d been writing her own music finally.

except, her label was putting it off. and kami didn’t understand why.

she tried to busy herself by working on recording everything she had, working with several different producers and coming up with new tracks. and still, despite all of this, her label wasn’t releasing her music.

kami confronted them about it, telling them ( at 16 years old ) that if they wouldn’t release her new music, that she’d walk from the company and find somebody else.

that’s when they pulled out their contract. they owned kami’s voice--so she would have to do what they wanted her to do.

she was ten and a half when she signed the contract--or technically when her mother signed the contract. they hadn’t been in hollywood before and they’d been assured that it was the same kind of contract that anybody would sign.

of course, kami was livid, she had worked hard, to just wind up fucked by the label she’d thought of as a family for so long.

the label was putting out other artists music and pushing her release date back again and again and again.

finally, kami found a lawyer and she began the very long process of suing her label for her voice back.

during this time kami needed to find some work where she could make money--her label would let her record things, but they wouldn’t release any for her fans to buy. and she hadn’t come from a wealthy family to begin with ( her mother had money, but wasn’t big on spending it ).

so this led to kami getting a couple of guest spots on disney channel--jonas, wizards, and then landing her own show & dcom. of course, she wanted to be happy for all of the work. but it wasn’t her passion. in bits and pieces she got to do singing for the projects ( lemonade mouth was, after all, a “disney musical” )--but it wasn’t the same thing.

kami had a lot of fun acting, and wouldn’t trade the time she’d been working for anything, but she wanted to be writing music and putting it out there for her fans. she wanted that authentic connection she’d felt with her fans before. but she wasn’t getting that now. the disney company was too bubblegum and clean cut for kameron, which led to the production of good luck charlie rushing to finish. there was a lot of tension between kameron along with the cast, and producers of the show, so while they wanted to give the fans a good ending they rushed to get it all done as well.

handling the situation

to make herself heard, to keep her fans happy while she was going through all of this--kami found a loophole. she couldn’t release her music publically and do any big promo through her label. but she could release her music on multiple websites such as soundcloud and straight to youtube. -- the big part of her legal contract was that kami couldn’t sell her music, the label owned the rights to that. so working on soundcloud, or directly posting originals and covers to youtube was a good way to get herself out there and keep it.

of course, she was a little disheartened at first that there wasn’t a direct answer for her issues even though she was in the courthouse. but it seemed like the case was dragging. sure, she had acting in her pocket and was making decent money from that but kami wanted more from her career than what her label was allowing her.

in the meantime, since she couldn’t put her own music out into the world, kami was featured on songs and keeping up with putting covers up on her youtube channel ( two of her favorite covers are locked out of heaven & a rewrite of marvin’s room )

she’s doing her best to stay her true authentic self at this time. but it’s hard given her own stress and complaints with how her label’s been acting towards her and the pressure from the disney company to keep up a perfect image. kami would be lying if she said she didn’t fall into a depression during this time. she felt a bit trapped in a hole that had been dug for her and she was working to get out, but kept slipping back down.

her mother and father were both there for her--she was living on her own at the time in los angeles but her mom was out here too and her dad called her practically every day--but they wanted kami to see if she could quit making music and focus on something else. she had money from her previous and current work, she could make her way in anything she wanted. they just wanted their daughter to be happier than she was and thought that maybe by dropping the lawsuit that could happen.

but it wasn’t what kami wanted to do. it wasn’t her dream. she wanted music. she didn’t care how she had to do it, she loved making music and bringing her music to people who needed to hear it.

sure, she could go to college or find another job. that wasn’t even what she had been thinking about. but it wasn’t what she wanted. music was all she could think about.

finally, after struggling with her own creativity, kami said fuck the studio’s rights and decided she was releasing her music one way or another. which is how her mixtapes came about.

her first mixtape was released in 2012. and then she started doing smaller shows. no big concerts or anything, but small shows in order to get everything out there. this was the first time kami had put out original content ( of her own, not a collab ) since 2007.

this was also the first "album” that kami had nearly completely had a hand in writing herself. she finally felt like she was letting her fans see who she was as an artist and not just as a performer.

of course, during this time, kami is still in her legal battle. her label’s going bankrupt, but they still technically own her voice and she wants it back. but nothing’s happening. and she just wants to scream out loud.

this led to a lot of self doubt and depression and kami wondering if she wasn’t good enough to be on her own. she fell into a spiral of doubt and stubborn thoughts and couldn’t bring herself out of it.

it doesn’t help that kameron isn’t the most talkative person ever in the world because she thinks she can really handle everything on her own. so while this is all weighing on her and causing mass amounts of stress and destructive thoughts, kami’s pretending like it’s all fine.

she’s photographed laughing at parties and working on her music too. nobody suspects that inside she’s dying and needs a release.

she managed to release another mixtape and an ep of covers, too.

release

finally, kami could breathe again. the spring of 2015 brought her the courts decision. it was ruled in kami’s favor that she could be released from the contract she’d signed years earlier. and finally, she could look into making music of her own with a new label.

kami’s response was a big fuck you to her label.

instead of immediately coming out with new music that she’d been working tirelessly on, kami put that to the side and began a new project.

her music wasn’t available online for her fans, and she had won the rights to the songs. they were hers. so she could do what she wanted to.

kami spent the next two years in the studio working on rerecording her original two albums ( kami, 2005 & this time, 2007 ).

of course, during this time she’s doing interviews and talking to her fans and she swears that she’s back for good and nothing will stop her.

as well as working on remaking her albums--one of the big reasons it’s taking so long, other than kami being a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to her music--is that she’s also been cast in a show called undateable--which is a far leap from the disney channel stuff she’d been working on the past several years.

kami’s loving this acting work because it feels authentic and most like what she would want to enjoy. it’s a sitcom and it’s fun and she loves the cast.

she’s also found a new label that will treat her like she deserves to be treated and won’t do something like that again. she’s protected in her contracts, and she completely understands everything.

the fall of 2017 kami rereleased the albums on streaming services and on itunes. she didn’t expect anything of it, but suddenly the two albums were at the top of the itunes charts.

“#kamiscomeback” was trending on twitter worldwide for two whole days.

she was elated. began doing interviews with her fans. q&a videos on her youtube channel.

kami did a couple of pop up appearances too. she wanted to make sure everyone knew that even though she’d spent a lot of time rerecording old music, she did it for a reason. she owned it, and she wanted the people who had worked hard on the songs with her to get what they deserved from it instead of the now defunct label that had kept her in the prison for so long.

kameron was in a constant motion of making music in the studio and working on concerts. she did a whole summer concert series in the summer of 2018. she was working so hard.

DEATH TRIGGER WARNING before going on the stage during one of her summer concert shows kami got a phone call from her mother. normally she wouldn’t have answered this, but she felt it was important to do so. her father died in a car accident.

kami’s team was ready to pull her out of the show, pull her out. but kami was insistent on performing.

a video of kami breaking down during not one but two of her songs went semi viral. it wasn’t until the next day that it was announced what had happened.

focusing on now

kami took a bit of a break, which she hated doing, because she’d just been on the longest music break of her life but she knew her mom and her people were right. she needed time to grieve.

kami moved away from los angeles and went back home to massachusetts for seven months.

during this time kami was working on new songs and writing them. but she needed time to breathe and focus on herself.

it was in december of 2019 that kami released a new song off of her upcoming studio album, along with a music video just dropped with a link on her twitter. “music. ( more coming in 2020 )” the video is a string of all old home videos of kami growing up and singing. it’s raw and real, and was praised for how honest it felt.

kami recently released another song off of her upcoming album, man. it’s much more of an upbeat song and she released the music video the same day too.

she was also recently in a netflix christmas show, “merry happy whatever” which she starred in alongside her on screen boyfriend from undateable.

fun facts

kami is allergic to strawberries, which she found out at the age of four.

was never particularly close with either of her parents, but she spent more time with her mother growing up. she wished they were closer and friendlier, but there was a lot of underlying resentment.

kami has a dog named sodapop. has a cat named bender.

she’s had a couple of different hair colors over the year, but it was always different for her different phases. during her bad battle with her label her hair was jet black.

loves crime shows. always wanted to be on criminal minds, but she has done shows like hawaii five-o & lethal weapon.

was a contestant on “kids say the darndest things” when she was five.

rides a motorcycle, but also doesn’t ride hers too often.

loves to watch makeup tutorials for fun.

makes fun of herself constantly. in fact, she released a song about some hate tweets she got for shits and giggles not too long ago ( kameron )

has one a couple of awards, but won her first grammy at this past grammy awards for say so.

loves 80s and 90s movies.

collects paintings from street artists everywhere she goes. she’s got a whole room filled of them at her house.

turned her house’s guest apartment into a full fledged recording studio.

it’s a joke that now she’ll only work with people she’s previously worked with in her acting--which all got started because the reason she was cast in merry happy whatever is that her old co-star had sent in a video of them in his b-roll and the casting director loved their chemistry.

she has a couple of tattoos that i might do a whole thing on, but she’s definitely got more than one or two.

wanted connections

open connections can be found in her plots post!

#♬ ━━ ooc ←#it's just an updated intro so i'm not gonna tag it with the intro tag bc y'all have already read most of this

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tariandlenasmusicblog-blog · 5 years ago

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My Mistake: An essay about IGOR, Flower of the Bride, and closure

The funny thing about getting older is that you don’t fully appreciate how removed you are from a version of yourself until you look in the mirror. Sometimes that mirror is literal, and you get to explore all the grooves, bumps, and sharp angles that reflect a body in flux. Other times, that mirror is figurative, and you get caught in a staring match with a phantom self with the emotional heft of a lifetime of joys and regrets. I’m struck by a similar feeling when sitting and listening to Father of the Bride and IGOR back to back. The gap between the two albums feels like the gap between the self I once was and the self that I am becoming; between yearning and something approaching peace.

Let’s start with IGOR, Tyler The Creator’s new album. The stark pink and monochrome artwork is fitting for an album that marries tenderness with an abrasive whiplash. Starting with “IGOR’S THEME”, Tyler’s strategy is to set the tone with thick distorted synth chords, sweet, high-pitched vocals and a tight breakbeat to before breaking into soft piano chords to mirror that contrast. The only lyrics on the track are “riding round town/make ‘em feel this one”, which feels appropriate. The feeling he’s communicating is clear: the heartrending tension of a tortured type of romance. The story on the album seems to be one of unrequited or rejected love, which forces the protagonist (the eponymous Igor) into finding a form of resolution, however unsatisfying it might be.

The production on the album is gorgeous: the drums are crisp; the synths are overwhelming one minute and delicate the next. The album is stacked with guest vocalists from Playboi Carti to Solange to Charlie Wilson to Kanye West, but they are all subsumed into Tyler’s larger symphonic vision which, to my surprise, does not feature his signature gravelly rasp very often. Instead, we hear his voice pitched up on “EARFQUAKE” and “RUNNING OUT OF TIME”, singing (sometimes atonally) with great vulnerability and strain. Even on more conventional rap tracks like “A BOY IS A GUN*” he peels back the layers of distortion and anger that used to mask his longing, opting instead to beg “don’t shoot me down.” He’s scared and vulnerable. He still lashes out on “NEW MAGIC WAND” and “WHAT’S GOOD”, but even there his anger sounds justified and earned where it once felt gratuitous and underdeveloped.

The album closes with three of the most tender, direct songs that he’s ever written. “GONE, GONE/THANK YOU” starts with a cherubic voice almost rejoicing that “my love’s gone” before that elation descends musically (and lyrically) into a depressed resignation. That musical descent may be the most beautiful moment of Tyler’s career, and unwinds the tension built throughout the first nine tracks on the album. Jerrod Carmichael, his occasional interlocutor on the album, steps in briefly to proclaim: “I hate wasted potential/That shit crushes your spirit,” before the track concludes with a sarcastic thanks for poisoning the protagonist from ever wanting to love again.

After a brief, almost meditative repetition of the mantra “I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE”, the album concludes with its showpiece: a classic anthem of longing in 6/8 time called “ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?” Tyler evokes about 50 years of soul music in his own way, pleading for any kind of meaningful connection with the person he just cannot quit. It is revelatory in its catharsis and flips an entire career arc of obsessive rebellion on its head by being as conventional and relatable as possible. No, Tyler cannot sing, and this track exposes that fact more than any that come before. Somehow, that adds to the charm. He sounds like you or I in the same position, bleating atonally along to a kind of invented karaoke for one.

Despite this relatability, however, IGOR does not hit me in the way that I expected. It feels very much like an album built for a past version of me: a confused, deeply emotional guy who did not really know how to love but tried hard anyway. It’s the best, most mature album Tyler has ever made. It might be the best album of the year. But when I listen, I am not drawn in. Instead, I feel a glassy distance akin to reading heartbroken letters a past me once wrote to another. (Yeah, I did that in preparation for this essay. Yeah, it was weird.)

I feel precisely the opposite when I listen to Father Of The Bride by Vampire Weekend. Billed as an album of questioning and commitment in the shadow of parenthood, the double-album hits me like a sucker punch to the face. It is as harmonically rich as IGOR, but the sugar rush is delivered in a more conventional, familiar package of jam-band acoustic guitars, skyscraping choruses and baroque codas. The band sounds more like The Band than ever before, largely abandoning their Afropop fakery for a melange that sounds earnest and reflective of a newfound confidence in Ezra Koenig’s songwriting.

That confidence is carried over to the lyrics. Gone are the precious reflections on Ivy League life, and in their place is a sense of wonder about the beauty of life, and the fear of its impending collapse. “Big Blue” is about being overawed by the vastness of the world, and about how confusing that vastness can be, while “Unbearably White” is a tender reflection on emotional distance and how it can wreck relationships. Koenig and co. aren’t afraid of swinging for the fences with cinematic string arrangements on “Rich Man” or lighter-waving ballads like “Jerusalem, New York, Berlin”.

Not all of it works. Two of the three collaborations with Danielle Haim, “Married in a Gold Rush” and “We Belong Together” are sickly-sweet, sounding more like outtakes from the Cheaper By The Dozen 2 soundtrack than comfortable in 2019. The autotune and djembe at the beginning of “Spring Snow”, meanwhile, sounds like Vampire Weekend-by-numbers.

But when it does work, it’s the best music that the band has ever produced. “Harmony Hall” is a near-perfect pop song with a piano that sounds like it was cribbed from a 1989 WHAM! song and the catchiest chorus I’ve heard in years. “Bambina” switches from razor-sharp indie-pop to a hymn a step removed from Pachelbel’s Canon, yet the change of pace between the two feels like a reflection on the devotional absurdity detailed in the lyrics. The stretch of songs from “My Mistake” to “Flower Moon” is superlative: elegant, whimsical, silly, and depressing all at once.

It’s precisely those songs that knock me off my feet, and those songs that expose the distance between where I was and where I am headed. The contortions and wrangling of the past have been replaced with a gentler form of acceptance about the absurdity of life. The biggest questions about who I am and where I’m headed are at least grounded in a sense of perspective. I know I am not alone in sometimes feeling alone. I know that our collective existence is precarious, and I still choose to live as if the important conversations in my life can be resolved by burying my head in the sand. I’m flawed, but I’m alive, and I’m trying. When I look back at that spectral mirror image that IGOR represents then, I feel peace. Life now feels more like “My Mistake”: it’s gentler, more reflective, and underpinned with the subtle echoes of the regrets that I will never displace. Those are the regrets that made me. I don’t have the answers to how to live and love well. I probably never will. But the Earth will keep spinning in its own, blocky, clip-art kind of way. Perhaps that’s the point.

#music blog #fotb #igor #vampire weekend #tyler the creator #personal essay

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