#DELIGHTFULLY AVERAGE

[safyresky]

Hi I haven't been on tumblr the past few days so Happy Belated Birthday! I hope you had tons of fun :D

Thank you! I did! It was also a VERY WILD WEEK! Feel like it was a good way to start off 28 lmao. Don't mind me using this ask to go off about it for a mo lol

We did something Friday but I can't remember what; Saturday my friends came over for a lil party and a True Blood night! (We started watching True Blood, my work pals an I. It's been an EXPERIENCE and I'm kinda thrown at how the story is both well done but also DELIGHTFULLY CAMPY/CRINGEY)

Sunday the hubbers and I went to Ottawa and did a wreck room which was EXHILARATING tbh. I smashed so much glass. LOOK AT OUR DESTRUCTION:

I was so right about hitting things with a bat FIXING ME. There were four cement blocks. I broke TWO.

Then we went to Parliament Hill and walked around. Last time I went to OUR NATIONS CAPITAL I was VERY little so this time, I was like. READY to EXPERIENCE. And Ottawa is a weird city. It's like if Toronto, Mississauga, Kingston, and Quebec City had a fucking weird baby. I kinda liked it! Also checked out the Rideau centre, which was like a mix between the Eaton centre in Toronto and Sherway Gardens in Toronto/Mississauga. Etobicoke I think, if I wanna be EXACT but it gets fuzzy in that area, like, what's Toronto and what's GTA, ANYWAY

THEN WE WENT TO IKEA WHICH WAS THE MAIN EVENT! I really wanted to go to IKEA for my bday and get a new bedframe bc Richard and I uh. We broke ours. We committed to a bit that involved me chasing him upstairs and he ran into the bedroom, did a SICK NASTY jump into the air and landed right on the bed and the bed immediately fell through the floorboards 🙃🙃🙃

The first two legs, that is. The one closest to his impact zone fell right through a floorboard; the other one bent nasty bad bc it suddenly had all the weight lol. It has been like this for like a year and a HALF. So glad we finally replaced it! AND for my bday! AND IT HAS SO MUCH STORAGE WHICH IS GR8 BC OUR LIL TURN OF THE CENTURY HOUSE HAS A SERIOUS STORAGE PROBLEM (and the hubbers has a serious keep things always problem. we're working on it :)

THEN HE LEFT HIS WALLET AT IKEA??? SO THE NEXT DAY AFTER WORK I HAD TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY BACK SO HE COULD GRAB IT AND THANKFULLY IT WAS IN THEIR LOST AND FOUND. It was a whole, THING but like. My GOD I was sore and tired and like cranky so it was an EXPERIENCE, ESPECIALLY A DAY BEFORE THE ACTUAL BDAY

(Ottawa is 2 hours away from us, for context)

Then the actual bday we went to dins with a friend and came home and passed tf out bc said friend is A Lot and we are Old and Tired.

BUT YEAH. GOOD TIMES. WEIRD WEEK. GR8 START TO 28. SET UP THE BED TODAY. V EXCITED. WAS A 6 HOUR PROCESS. I CAN'T WAIT TO REORGANIZE MY HOUSE

[fredoesque]

she/her amundsen spotted at the uranienborg virtual house tour

[hexiva]

Roleplay Is Not Dead Nor Doth It Sleep

There's a post going around about how text-based, freeform roleplay is dead, and I was typing up a huge response to this, with an accompanying guide on how to find roleplayer in 2024, when I realized it might have a bigger reach if I made it its own post. So here's that guide.

I hesitate to say that there isn't a problem with the new format of social media making roleplay more difficult to find, but in the desire to make that point, the OP of the original post has left people with the idea that there's no way for them to get into freeform text roleplay in 2024. Which just isn't true! Here, look at all the ways.

Forums

The link to RPG-Directory to find roleplaying forums is a good start. Once you've found a forum RPG, even if you don't join, there's usually an 'advertising' section on that forum where other forum RPGs post their ads - this may help you to find forums that don't advertise on RPG-D.

Another really good forum to find roleplay on is Barbermonger. Barbermonger is focused on connecting people for one-on-one roleplays.

This last one's going to be weird, but it turns out that there are still people seeking roleplay on the Gaia Online forums after all these years. I think this is delightfully retro and then crowd there seems a little older than average. No pre-existing knowledge of Gaia required.

Tumblr

You can also find forum roleplay groups (as well as tumblr and Discord groups) right here on Tumblr. Usually, the thing to do is to use the search function - search for "[genre] rp" or "[fandom] rp" and sort by "latest." (If you sort by Top, you are likely to find dead RPs.) For example, here's fantasy rp, historical rp, and marvel rp. You can also try jcink rp, as most roleplay forums are hosted on Jcink these days, or discord rp, depending on your favored platform.

There are also tumblr blogs specifically dedicated to advertising roleplays. I'm not super familiar with these nowadays, but just in the process of searching those tags above, I found these:

Jcink Tinder

RPG Adverts

RPings

There are more, I just don't know them off the top of my head.

Reddit

Listen, don't run away, I swear it's good now - I swear Reddit is good now -

Reddit is a good place to find Discord roleplays. It's a little heavier on smut-only roleplays than other platforms mentioned here, but it's not impossible to find sexless, plot-based roleplay here either. Most ads are for one on one RP, but you can find groups mixed in here too. The big subreddits for text-based freeform RP seem to be:

r/DiscordRP

r/RoleplayPartnerSearch

r/roleplaying

r/Roleplay

Some of these have weird rules about what you can put in your ad, and I don't remember which ones, so read carefully and don't get discouraged if your ad is initially removed.

Discord

In 2024, Discord is by far the biggest and most popular platform for roleplay, and it has its own native roleplay advertising hubs. Here are a bunch:

roleplay partner hub

Rockin Roleplay

The Roleplay Garden

roleplay help

the roleplay connection

RP Central

Roleplay Central

Roleplay Hub

Barbermonger also has a Discord server

Roleplay Meets: Reborn

RP Hub

The Scribes Guild

DM Rp Village

cherry blossom! roleplay hub

DM-RP

Roleplay Round Table (21+)

The Historical Syndicate (specifically for historical roleplay)

The Roleplayer's Directory

If you can't find the Discord roleplay you want on here, you can also try Discord hub websites, like Disboard. These work similar to tumblr tags - search for [genre] rp or [fandom] rp.

Other

The original post specifically mentions that 'all the old "omegle but for role play" type websites died out ages ago'. This is mostly true, but not quite! There's still Rolechat. It's a little janky, but what it needs more than anything is a bigger user base. Their Discord server is also a good place to find one on one discord roleplay. It is, of course, free, but if you want to support its development, they have a patreon.

Please reblog this post, and add your own tips on how to find roleplay!

[moonsaver]

Hey, what do you think about Jealous Sunday? Maybe we're the assistant, so it makes us have to talk to a lot of people. Feel free to ignore :D

Cute!

I imagine Sunday actually gets jealous an average amount, it's just most of the time he can't pay much attentiom to it due to the fact he has so many things to attend to. So he just has to ignore it for the most part.

So.. whenever he sees a certain repeated customer getting all chummy with his s/o who works as his assistant.. he's not happy at all. Of course, there's still a tight smile plastered on his face.

However, since you're his asisstant, he first thinks about shifting your schedule around, so perhaps you won't have to face that customer again, and he'll take the responsibility of.. shooing them away. Yes, that's better.

However, if that doesn't work.. he's grumpy. He's unbelievably grumpy when both of you are alone.

And generally, since asisstant s/o reader talks to a lot of people, Sunday gets envious – he wants to be able to spend his time talking to you like that, laughing and smoothly shifting from topic to topic. He knows it's just a part of your job, but he wishes he was the one you were talking to so delightfully. Even your customer service voice is something Sunday likes. He doesn't like that you have to be the one doing so much talking. Granted, he's more affiliated with working in the shadows of things, and his sister is a star, there's no one else left to do the talking but you. He doesn't like it one bit but can't quite change it. You look so happy too. It makes him doubt himself a bit.

He sulks, sulks and sulks so much. His wings are almost completely folded or droop, lips pressed into a thin line. It's cute. Please help him get rid of this prodding feeling in his chest.

You can easily do that by peppering his face in kisses, and whispering to him what you really think from time to time, exchange chits with him, and reassure him. He loves when you tell him your thoughts, and it helps clear the air too.

If you bring it up sometime in the future, he sighs, a hand coming up to massage his forehead, as he feels embarrassment creep up on him. He just can't help it. Please allow him to worry, to get jealous, to seek your affection. He's just a sucker for your attention, even if he can't quite say that part out loud.

[alexprime]

Let's talk about Spock's Body Temperature! A great many fanfics have him as being warmer than the human average, even hot to the touch. Fanfics can write Spock however they wish to (and I adore reading all the different interpretations!) However, according to TOS, Spock runs quite a bit cooler than humans do! Alright, so Spock ends up in Sickbay a fair amount during TOS, and every single time you see the Body Function Panel behind him, it seems to show a different reading. Confusing, annoying, frustrating, especially as we all know that TOS canon can be... fluid. One potential explanation for the fluctuating readings is the very reason he's in sickbay to begin with: he's sick or injured. Pretty much every time he's in a sickbay bed, he's either hurt, ill, or recovering from being hurt or ill. ... Except for ONE time, during his physical in the episode 'The Naked Time'. I've made a handy little graphic for this below:

Spock claims the readings on the panel in 'The Naked Time' are, "Perfectly normal for me, Doctor, thank you." Which would mean that his shown temperature should be accurate as well. Therefore, Spock's body temperature is approximately 92 Degrees Fahrenheit / 33 Degrees Celsius. This means that Spock actually runs quite a bit cooler than the average human temperature. As a fic reader, I adore reading different portrayals of Spock, and reading descriptions of him running hot can be lovely! However, as a fic writer myself, one thing I've really come to love is the contrast between Spock's personality to his temperature! I'll let the following quote from my fic, K'oh-nar, explain the reason why the contrast is fun to play with:

[Excerpt from Chapter 11:] Spock’s hand in his own was slack, but it was comfortable to hold now. He recalled how cold the Vulcan had been; how cradling those hands in his own felt like cupping ice. The fingers had been purple from the temperature, and he’d had the worst fear that moving them too suddenly would snap them off like icicles. They were back to normal in his grip; he examined the differences between them idly, marveling at the contrast of Spock’s olive skin against his own tan. The skin was cool—cooler than human body temperature—but that was normal for Spock.

Some part of him had always found that odd. He was used to it by now, but he remembered it had been startling to find out that Spock ran colder than humans did. It just… didn’t seem fitting. Everything about Spock always felt so warm to him; gentle, calming, kind. It was present in the soft brown of his eyes and the private not-smile he wore when being teased. There was nothing—not a single thing—about Spock that had ever seemed cold to him. Other Vulcans, sure; he hardly associated warmth or tenderness with the likes of the woman T’Pring, or her beau, what’s-his-name. The one with the stinkface. Stan? Stonk?

He'd described him as such to Spock once, using those and other colorfully insulting names. In turn, he had been delightfully and memorably treated to the subtle, nearly unnoticeable spasm of Spock choking on his tea.

[miasmaghoul]

I must hear your thoughts on this:

Which ghoul is the most hung, and who is the best at taking their dick? Aka, who has the highest capacity for getting their hole used to hell and back.

Well, I suppose it depends what you mean by hung.

Mountain? Crazy length, but average girth. Rain takes it like a fuckin champ, every time.

Swiss? Less length, but real thick. Aeon can never get enough of the stretch.

Aether? On the shorter side, but SO FUCKIN FAT. Dew wants it always, any way he can get it.

But then there's Omega.

He's got good length, solid girth, a pleasant curve when he's hard and a nice flared mushroom tip that rubs perfectly against all those secret sensitive places.

Oh, that doesn't sound very impressive?

Well what if I said he has all that twice?

DOUBLE DICK OMEGA BABYYYYYY

As for who takes it? Terzo, obviously, but there are limitations to human anatomy. A certain level of restraint is needed there. But when Omega really wants to ruin someone? That's when he finds Aether.

"Go to my chambers," he rumbles in a tone Aether is intimately familiar with, a firm hand on his lower back. "Twenty minutes. You know what I want."

And Aether goes, covered in goosebumps and already eager. Heads to the lower ghoul wing, the place Omega, Mist, Zephyr and Ifrit call home, and slips into the second door on the right. Shucks his clothes and leaves them neatly folded in one of the stately armchairs but the fireplace. Clicks on a bedside lamp and gathers the usual things - lube, hand towels, a pair of crystal tumblers. Sets them all on Omega's end table before he pushes the other ghoul's plush bedding out of the way to slide onto silky sheets in the same shade of rich purple as their matching eyes. Shuffling pillows so he can settle against the headboard with his legs spread, in full view of the door.

Then, he closes his eyes. Focuses. Runs his hands down his bare chest and feels energy start to gather just beneath his skin. Sparks and heat, swirling and pulsing in time with his steady heartbeat. Deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth and his fingers trail south. Through the thick hair that covers the swell of his belly, down to the meat of his thighs. Slowly, slowly. Steady. Focus.

There's a crackle in the air, pressure low in his gut, and with one long exhale Aether feels himself change. Feels the weight of his half-hard cock and heavy balls fade, and when he rests a palm between his legs Aether can't help his sigh.

He doesn't do this often - it takes a lot of energy, a lot of power - but the feel of soft folds against his fingers is something he always looks forward to. As is the way his fat little dick pulses against his palm, already starting to stiffen up. Aether dips the tip of his middle finger into his cunt and gasps at the slickness he finds there, the warmth. A second finger sneaks back to rub at his puckered rim, and Aether groans. Sensitive and eager to be filled.

And he will be, when Omega joins him. Filled in every sense of the word - pumped full of cum and enough quintessence to keep his body wet and wanting until Omega has him double knotted and Aether's wailing through what feels like his hundredth orgasm of the night. Until he's shaking uncontrollably and his voice is gone, lost to cries of ecstasy and overwhelm and the sort of pain that only so much pleasure can bring.

After, Omega likes to admire his work. Likes to have Aether hold himself open so he can see how swollen and ruined he is, how his holes try to clamp shut and simply...can't. Too stretched to keep his loads in, of course, and Omega praises him gently but endlessly for taking so much. He cleans Aether up with practiced ease, antd Aether is so delightfully fucked out that he's be blissfully unaware of any discomfort, floating high on another dose of magick that helps ease the aches.

He comes back with his head pillowed on Omega's chest, a strong arm around his back. Aether gazes up at him with a far-away look in his eyes, and Omega rewards him with a deep purr that rattles the headboard. He hands Aether one of those tumblers filled with impossibly cold water, which Aether always accepts with a soft sigh.

"You took it me well," Omega murmurs while Aether sips, waiting until he's done to knock their horns together. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been fisted with boxing gloves," Aether rasps, taking another drink, and Omega gives him an amused hum.

"You're welcome."

Aether flicks a few droplets of water at his face and Omega chuckles as he takes the glass back, setting it aside so Aether can collapse into his side once more.

"Sleep now," he slurs, Omega already pulling the covers over them. "Wake me when Jesus comes back."

Omega barks out a laugh, holds him close, and Aether's out like a light before he feels the kiss that gets dropped between his horns.

[hisui-dreamer]

ode to the cunning snake

Pairing: Jamil Viper x gn!reader

Synopsis: you loved him, and you couldn't wait for the day the rest of the world could see the brilliant man he is

Tags: drabble, fluff, slightly poetic, reader is a simp for jamil

Word count: 610

Notes: happy birthday jamil!! fr when i read ch4 he did no wrong in my mind, but im so glad we're seeing more character development in ch5 and 6

Masterlist

Your lover's capabilities are a hidden treasure, known only to those fortunate enough to glimpse beyond his unassuming facade. Behind the mask of modesty, he possesses a brilliant mind and a vast reservoir of talents waiting to be unleashed. Whether it's effortlessly excelling in academics, or demonstrating an innate aptitude for leadership, his capabilities know no bounds. His adaptability, honed through years of concealing his true potential, allows him to navigate any challenge with grace and finesse.

Your lover's remarkable ability to remain prepared and adapt in unexpected situations is a testament to his innate resilience and quick thinking. Whether it's a sudden change of plans, a challenging problem, or an unforeseen obstacle, he navigates these moments with a calm and collected demeanour. He seems to have an uncanny knack for thinking on his feet, effortlessly adjusting his approach to ensure the best possible outcome. It's as if he carries a mental toolbox filled with solutions for every contingency, allowing him to tackle any challenge that comes his way with a grace and composure that inspires those around him.

Your lover harbours a complex relationship with the spotlight, torn between his aversion to its glaring attention and his deep-seated longing for acknowledgment. He's a master of fading into the background, content with the shadows and the comfort of obscurity, having spent days of his childhood faking at being average. Yet, beneath that modest exterior lies an undeniable thirst for recognition, a burning desire to have his talents and achievements celebrated by others. It's a delicate dance between humility and ambition, a constant struggle to balance the desire to stay in the shadows while yearning for the validation and applause that only the spotlight can offer.

Your lover’s true passion occasionally shines through the carefully crafted facade he wears, and those moments never fail to make your heart swell with an overwhelming sense of pride. It's as if a radiant light breaks through the clouds, illuminating his entire being with a captivating and irresistible energy. For a few, brief moments, as he loses himself to dancing, you are reminded of the incredible depth and beauty of his soul. His grace, his dedication, and the sheer joy he exudes while pursuing his passion are nothing short of enchanting. You can't help but marvel at the extraordinary talent he conceals so modestly, and your pride in him swells like a tidal wave, ready to crash upon the shores of the world and proclaim his brilliance to all who will listen.

You love how in the precious moments when the two of you find ourselves alone, the facade he meticulously maintains in the outside world fades away, revealing his true, genuine self with no façade put up for his status. He becomes wonderfully emotional, wearing his heart on his sleeve without reservation. Sometimes, he allows himself to be delightfully childish, overdramatic, and loving, embracing the carefree spirit that resides within him. There's an undeniable comfort in these moments, a trust that blossoms between you, for he knows he can speak his unfiltered truth without fear with you. He bares his soul, and in those raw, authentic conversations, it’s as if the world outside fades into insignificance, and it's just us, embracing the beauty of our genuine bond.

Your love every facet of him, from his hidden brilliance to his quiet strength, from his capabilities to his adaptability, and from his passion to his endearing childishness. Your love for him is a force that knows no bounds, a love that will stand by his side as he takes those steps toward the spotlight he so rightfully deserves.

Your lover, is none other than Jamil Viper.

Masterlist

if you liked this post, don't forget to reblog!

[newlacesleeves]

(my local restaurant had "cobra kai ribs" on their menu and @russolaw said "Ck au where daniel goes to a restaurant and sees this cause Johnny is the owner" and i went "omg wait that could be something" and wrote exactly that immediately after)

The place has an average rating of 2.5 stars which should have been the first red flag. Daniel would never consider himself a "foodie" out loud but he does go through the Yelp and Google reviews thoroughly before deciding whether or not to actually order from some place new. And the reviews for Johnny's BBQ (shortened just like that too, no time to spell out the full name, Daniel guesses) are a mixed bag: "the owner is a total asshole but the food's worth it" "make sure you go in on a night the owner is there!! he's sooooo funny (and really hot)! GET THE RIBS!!" "honestly it's a miracle the place is open and they can serve food to the public. no way this joint has passed a health inspection. ribs are 🔥 though."

There's no menu available and the website is just a giant crude drawing of an eagle with a chicken wing in its talons on a garishly red background with the open hours and address. No phone number, no link to DoorDash or UberEats. Just the address to a strip mall in Reseda that Daniel drives to with a sort of morbid curiosity and an empty stomach. Sam had told him about the place initially. One of her friends from school started working there and brought in these infamous ribs for everyone to try. Sam hasn't stopped talking about them since.

The restaurant is fairly nondescript from the outside. A true hole-in-the-wall that makes it indistinguishable from the other shop windows it's sandwiched between. The parking lot is half-full and Daniel wonders how many people are here for the barbecue joint.

Most people, it turns out.

There's a line that wraps around the counter and two tables, both of which are occupied. Everyone else is eating with their elbows on the counter, covered in sauce and smacking their lips delightfully with each bite. There's no menu board behind the counter but there is a giant poster of Iron Eagle.

The line moves quick, the skinny kid taking orders at the front looks like he's in way over his head as he shouts out orders to the cook behind him. Daniel can hear the sizzle of meat on a grill and it smells amazing in here. Like a backyard party in the summertime, all smoked meats and hot grills and sweet and tangy barbecue and his mouth is waterning thinking about it.

He gets up to the counter and the poor kid has beads of sweat coming off of his forehead that he wipes hastily with the back of his hand. He shoots Daniel a shaky smile.

"Hi welcome to Johnny's barbecue what can I get you," he gets out in a rush of a single breath.

"Never been here before," Daniel says. "Is there a menu I could look at."

The kid nods emphatically and pulls out a piece of paper that's smeared in sauce stained fingerprints. Daniel takes it gingerly (he now understands that one review about not passing a health inspection) and reads through it. It's your standard fare with some creative liberty taken on the names. Wings with "Thunderstruck" sauce. "White Snake" Drum Sticks.

And there at the bottom of the page, Daniel sees two words that make his eyes bulge and his heart begin to race.

Cobra Kai Ribs

The kid at the counter must see Daniel's face and mistake his terror for awe because he leans over and grins, pointing a saucey finger at the words.

"Oh yeah, you're gonna wanna try those," he says, beaming. "That's Sensei's specialty."

Sensei? Daniel thinks and before he can think to ask a single question he hears from the window -- "Miguel! Quit yapping and start slinging these orders before they get cold!"

Daniel's eyes travel to the source of the sound and there in the window behind an apron covered in barbecue sauce, is Johnny Lawrence. Same bright blue eyes, though there are added fine lines etched into the skin that borders them. Golden locks kept out of his face (and, hopefully, out of the food) by that familiar black karate headband.

He looks. Good. Really good. That review about his looks wasn't lying.

Johnny doesn't see him, eyes trained on Miguel who is mumbling "yes, Sensei, I'm on it" and running to the window to call out orders by their number as customers swarm the counter. Daniel keeps watching him, content to peer through the little window and watch his high school bully get to work on flipping a rack of ribs over with a pair of tongs. The way his white t-shirt, stained and dirtied even with the aporn over it, clings to his body. A body that time has been very, very good to it seems.

Miguel comes back to Daniel with that same exhausted smile and asks, "So? Any thoughts?"

And Daniel says, "Yeah. I'll get an order of the ribs to go."

"One order of Cobra Kai Ribs, coming right up!"

And god dammit, Daniel thinks when he takes his first bite. They are really fucking good.

At least now he has an excuse to come back.

[harringroveobsessed]

@robthegoodfellow @feedthefandomfest

Billy and character - The bee's knees by Thei @ihni I absolutely LOVE this fic, like it is just truly fantastic writing. I think I read it on a monthly average I love it that much. Every time I see a newspaper I think of this fic. I love the boys in this one, older and wiser(?) but still loveable little menaces! It’s so delightfully funny I giggle myself into a mess every single time I read it. It’s just pure fun, good writing and brings me a whole lot of joy to read.

Billy being an asshole - Rattlesnake by hagraven_gf Famous singer Steve ft oblivious out of touch Billy. Just recently subscribed to this one and I’m having so much fun reading it. Fake/pretend relationship to try and cover up the mess that is Steve’s life. However at the time of reading it is verrry much teetering into something that I can feel being explosive, sexy and maybe a little bit angsty. I can’t wait! Bonus Billy in a band. BILLY IN A BAND!

AU - moonflower, mine by bigdumbbambieyes @bigdumbbambieyes Regency Era Harringrove? Yes please to all of that. This fic is so good, soo good. I remember getting little teasers on tumblr and I was so excited to finally read it so when I did my brain melted a little bit. It then went on to completely exceed my expectations and blew me away. The language and the setting and everything is so on point you get sucked right into this little world. Ft soft boys with their ‘friends’ ringlet tucked tight in his monogrammed handkerchief?!?! You are killing me with the sweet pure love that is this fic.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Monopolizing turds

Update 31 May 2023: an earlier edition of this article identified the price of Rebyota as $20,000; this was the rumored price prior to Rebyota’s release in December  2022, when Stephen Skolnick wrote the article I referenced. When Rebyota was actually released in 2023, the average wholesale price (AWP) was $10,800. Thanks to Benjamin Jolley for catching this error, and to Stephen Skolnick for getting to the bottom of it.

It’s been ten years — to the day! — since I first started writing about the bizarre, amazing world of turd transplants, in which a sick person receives a microbiotic infusion in the form of some processed poop from a healthy person:

https://web.archive.org/web/20130608030455/http://blogs.plos.org/publichealth/2013/05/29/why-diy-fecal-transplants-are-a-thing-and-the-fda-is-only-part-of-the-reason/

Gut biomes are one of those understudied, poorly understood medical areas that are both very promising and also full of sketchy medical claims from “supplement” companies, influencers, quacks and grifters. But in the decade since I first started tracking turd transplants (formally called “Fecal Microbiota Transplants” or FMTs), a growing body of sound science has emerged on the subject.

One thing that’s increasingly undeniable is that the composition of your microbial nation is related in significant ways to both your physical and mental health. What’s more, as antibiotic resistant “super bugs” proliferate, FMTs are becoming increasingly central to treating dangerous gut infections that otherwise stand a high chance of killing you.

“Eat Shit and Prosper” is Stephen Skolnick’s delightfully named newsletter about poop and health science. Skolnick is a physicist by training, but has a long history of collaboration with Openbiome, a nonprofit that coordinates between doctors, patients and donors to provide safe FMTs:

https://stephenskolnick.substack.com/

In an edition of Eat Shit from last December, Skolnick recounts the amazing history and dismaying future of FMTs. In 2013, the FDA announced it would regulate FMTs as “Investigational New Drugs,” which could only be administered as part of a registered clinical trial:

https://stephenskolnick.substack.com/p/a-monopoly-on-poop

At that point, FMTs were already in widespread use by docs to treat otherwise untreatable cases of Clostridioides difficile (C. diff), an antibiotic resistant bacterial infection that literally makes you shit yourself to death. These doctors were in no position to run registered clinical trials, which meant that they would have to stop using the most effective therapy they had for a potentially lethal infection.

Doctors and patients kicked up a fuss, and the FDA walked back its guidance, announcing that it would exercise “discretion” in enforcing its Investigational New Drug rule, giving a pass to docs who were treating C. diff with FMTs:

https://www.federalregister.gov/documents/2013/07/18/2013-17223/guidance-for-industry-enforcement-policy-regarding-investigational-new-drug-requirements-for-use-of

That’s where things have stood for the past decade or so. The “discretion” rule means that patients could still get FMTs, but their insurance wouldn’t cover it. But even if you had cash to pay for an FMT, your doc probably wouldn’t administer it for anything except a C. diff infection, despite the promising signs that FMT can help treat other conditions, and despite the generally safe nature of FMTs.

If your doc did give you an FMT, chances are good that they sourced their poop from Openbiome. Openbiome recruits very healthy people, gets them to poop in a bag, then processes the poop — removing nonbacterial solids, testing it for pathogens, freezing it, portioning it, and sending it to docs. All this is done at cost, and it’s not cheap: $1–2k/treatment, mostly due to cold-chain logistics (the poop is shipped at -80C).

Despite the cost, and despite the limitations on treatment, the Openbiome method has proved very reliable. Indeed, FMTs as a whole are pretty darned safe, with the most common side-effects being transient gas and bloating. In the past decade, there’ve been a total of six “adverse effects” associated with Openbiome’s 5,000+ procedures, all in severely immunocompromised people, and none conclusively linked to the treatment:

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0016508522003511/pdf

A decade into this system, the FDA has taken the next step forward — only it’s actually a step backwards.

During this intervening decade, a pharma company called Ferring has conducted clinical trials on FMTs and received approval for an FMT product called Rebyota. The process for making Rebyota is effectively identical to the process used by Openbiome: collect poop, remove solids, test for pathogens, add glycerol, freeze and ship.

The main difference between Rebyota and Openbiome’s poop is price. While Openbiome charges $1–2k per treatment, Rebyota charges $10,800

That’s some expensive shit!

Fine. Getting Rebyota through clinical trials means that insurers might start covering it, and perhaps some patients will prefer brand-name poop to open-source poop. But as part of the FDA’s approval of Rebyota, the agency also rescinded its “discretionary enforcement” guidance, making it illegal for docs to source their poop from Openbiome:

https://www.fda.gov/regulatory-information/search-fda-guidance-documents/enforcement-policy-regarding-investigational-new-drug-requirements-use-fecal-microbiota

For Ferring, this is a monopoly on shit, one that lets them charge patients $10.8k for poop that costs $1–2k to process. The FDA does not claim that this is being done in the name of safety. Instead, an FDA official told Skonick that the goal was to “incentivize innovation without creating an access crisis.”

That is, the FDA changed its guidance and put nonprofit stool banks out of business because it wants to incentivize pharma companies to perform expensive clinical trials, and it believes that these companies won’t pay for trials if they have to compete with the likes of Openbiome, which would make it impossible to charge 900% markups on poop.

Trials are important! Evidence-based medicine is important! But Ferring’s clinical trials didn’t tell us anything we didn’t already know. FMTs were already the best therapy we had for C. diff. Testing Rebyota against a placebo didn’t tell us anything new — unlike testing Rebyota against the existing therapies, e.g. product from open stool banks.

Such a trial might have given rise to a very different regulatory outcome, because the cure rate reported by Rebyota is much lower than the cure rate from Openbiome’s own interventions:

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40265-022-01797-x

That is, using the $1k poop from Openbiome seems to be much more effective than using the $10.8k poop from Ferring. But Openbiome, a nonprofit, hasn’t been able to perform the kind of rigorous — and expensive — clinical trial that Ferring funded.

This points to a significant problem with the FDA’s model. The agency wants good clinical data for the medicines it regulates, as it should, It presumes that the only way to get that data is through granting commercial exclusivity to a for-profit, which ends up costing patients vast sums, and locking many patients out altogether.

This creates all kinds of new dangers. 150,000 people/year in the US contract Recurrent Clostridium difficile Infection (RCdI). FMT increases the cure rate by 20% relative to antibiotics alone. That means that if everyone with RCdI gets a poop transplant, 30,000 extra people will get better. That’s a big number!

For well insured people, Rebyota probably represents a cash-savings — if your insurance covers the $10,800 procedure, you might pay $500 out of pocket, which is far less than the $1–2K you’d pay to get an Openbiome poop transplant. But if you’re uninsured or underinsured, the FDA’s new enforcement rules mean that you’re now on the hook for $10,800.

The FDA did carve out a loophole: if your doc or their hospital are willing to prepare the poop transplant themselves, they can administer that. On the one hand, preparing a poop transplant isn’t that hard — some people do them at home, on their own:

https://web.archive.org/web/20211015060558/https://thepowerofpoop.com/epatients/fecal-transplant-instructions/

But on the other hand, there’s been exactly one death conclusively linked to FMT, and it was from one of these hospital-prepared transplants (the patient had just had a marrow transplant for cancer that wiped out their immune system, and the donor had a novel pathogen that the hospital failed to test for).

So the FDA has created a situation where, if you can’t afford a $10,800 proprietary formulation, your only option is to convince your doc or hospital to prepare their own poop transplant, which will cost less than the $10.8k for Rebyota, but more than the $1–2k from Openbiome, which has all kinds of economies of scale. And if you do manage it, you’ll be getting a procedure that has a much worse safety track-record than the Openbiome process that the FDA just killed.

The FDA has an important role to play here, but as with so many policy questions, how the FDA plays that role depends on things that are far upstream from the agency and its decisions. The choice to fund medical trials through the promise of exclusivity — and with it, extremely high margins — puts the FDA in the position of choosing winners in the marketplace: Ferring wins, Openbiome loses.

Ironically, this is the thing that exclusivity is supposed to prevent. By using profit to incentivize medical research, the FDA is supposed to be recruiting the Invisible Hand as its partner in regulation. But exclusivity is incompatible with the idea of medicine as a public good. The tens (hundreds) of millions that Americans will pay for $10.8k poop transplants from Ferring will add up to far more than it would cost to underwrite clinical trials for an open process like Openbiome’s.

The result: both Americans’ wallets and Americans’ guts suffer.

Catch me on tour with Red Team Blues in Hay-on-Wye, Oxford, Manchester, Nottingham, London, and Berlin!

If you’d like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here’s a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/05/29/oh-shit/#rebyota

[Image ID: A poop emoji wearing a top hat and a monocle, posed against a backdrop of e coli bacteria seen through a high-resolution microscope.]

[pinkanonwrites]

I love your writing! My personal biggest character takeaway from this game is that someone needs to pet the damn cat, so could I possibly get some (platonic obviously) headcannons about the Prefect petting/cuddling Grimm? Thank you in advance!

Of course! I'm also guilty of wanting to snuggle our troublesome kitty companion, so I love the idea of these HCs. Hope you enjoy!

GN!Reader, PLATONIC HCs

When you were first introduced Grim wouldn't even humor the thought. Him, a powerful mage and monster, being cuddled by a lowly magicless human? Gross! But it doesn't take long for you to start endearing yourself to him, what with you always looking out for him and trying to keep those pesky Heartslabyul kids out of trouble... And protecting him and letting him read your notes from class... and buying him food... And letting him sleep in your room in super-creepy Ramshackle house without even complaining about his sleep mumbling...

Yeah, Grim really loves you a lot, and deep down he knows that you really do a lot for him. He's just emotionally stifled and doesn't know how to express those vulnerable feelings, so he covers them up by instead demanding that you "pamper" him by stroking and brushing his fluffy fur.

He's delightfully soft, so it's always enjoyable. Even though he's always roughhousing and getting into trouble, and the fact that he's literally on fire in a few places, he somehow remains super duper soft and not overly full of grime and soot. Many an afternoon has been spent running your fingers through his blue-gray fur while he dozes off in your lap.

You are the only person Grim is okay with being held by. If any other student at NRC tries to pick him up he becomes a whirlwind of magic and claws, mainly because they don't know how to carry him in a way he likes and usually end up dangling him by the back of the collar. But you always pick him up so gently, like he's your baby, so he'll humor you toting him around. It's a hell of a lot faster than walking, too!

He's so warm, even more so than the average cat. Grim is like a little heating pad, curling up comfortably in a little ball of warmth under the sheets of your bed as he snoozes and radiating heat throughout your entire bedspread. He has a tendency to move around a bit in his sleep so he'll probably end up moving you to the corner of the bed while he sprawls out in the middle, but that's just the type of sacrifice you have to make when owning a cat, isn't it?

[yellow-hollow]

OK OK. does author has a favorite type of subject for his story ? Has he tried to control a fellow ago??

Well of course, I want my subjects to be cooperative, emotive, someone the average shmuck reading can relate to- an Everyman if you will. Unfortunately, my fellow egos didn’t work well with my “creative process”.

The closest I got was the Jims, they were delightfully easy to get a reaction out of! Really pulled your heartstrings when I would injure one and the others would break down~ But the silly things were too frightened by my stories and got better at hiding from me…I thought that Illinois would make a perfect action hero protagonist, but that asshole went and tattled to Dark after playing along. So Mr. Eyeliner whooped my ass and exiled me from the manor. Bit of an overreaction if you ask me.

I could talk about Wilford and Bim as well, but I hate to keep bringing up failures. That manor is nothing but trouble anyways.

[archeronfilm]

The Fifth Element (1997)

"I don't care, he should have been a butch lesbian."

In case you don't want spoilers, or to hear my long verbose in-detail thoughts on this movie, here's the short and sweet version:

The Fifth Element is raunchy, corny, and campy in all the right ways, and some of the wrong ones. It's far from a perfect movie, but I really enjoyed watching and rewatching it, and I would recommend it! I guess um, 4/5 stars, maybe.

Okay, now let's get serious. I saw the first 15 minutes of this movie while visiting my mother, found it so intriguing that I watched it with a friend, and then watched it again to write this review. Let's get into the meat of it. Spoilers for a 30 year old movie ahead.

Word Count: 6,082

Okay, The Fifth Element (1997), dir. Luc Besson, is a sci-fi comedy starring such greats as Bruce Willis and Gary Oldman, who I've been in love with since I watched Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1990).

We open in Egypt in 1914, in a scene I can only describe as "Mummy-esque." Seriously, this scene came on in my mother's living room and I thought we were watching a yet unseen installation of The Mummy or Indiana Jones. It contains, among other things, an incredibly hammy and not-at-all-subtle dump of exposition. They go out of their way to gravitate back to this wall of runes several times, to make sure you know as much background lore as possible. A later scene renders this odd choice kind of unnecessary, but I'll concede its existence for one key reason-- the Mondoshawan.

The Mondoshawan are the good-guy aliens in this movie, though they're only featured on screen two times, one of them being this scene. Their space ship looms awesomely over this strange Egyptian exposition-temple, and they are a star example of one of the best parts of this movie.

All the effects, or at least as many of them as possible, are practical. Of course, it's a movie made in the 90's, so they would be. But the beautifully clunky and real toddling of these men in alien costumes was a dead-ringer for New Who, and it was incredibly endearing to me. I am a major believer in the power and merit of practical effects and the tragedy of computer generation. And this movie is *swimming* in practical effects. It's a delight.

I will say there's this bit where the leader Mondoshawan is toddling towards this very slowly closing stone door and he doesn't make it through because his very slow waddling is somehow slower than the door is, and I think it was supposed to be semi-serious but I laughed at it. It was just a little ridiculous.

The back half of this first scene feels kind of oddly paced, like it's rushed, which is odd to me considering the scene didn't hold back on dumping as much stuff on me as possible just a few minutes ago. Very strange scene, seems to only have one purpose, which I'll get back to later.

So, flash forward 30 years to something dramatically different in aesthetic and vibe, of course. We're in space. We're gritty, we're militaristic, of course. There's an evil fucking orb of fire flying towards the Earth at top speed. Things aren't looking great.

The president, a man with eyes of a frightening shade, is black! This is not plot relevant, but I find the tendency of movies from this period to feature black presidents far before Obama's term to be really interesting. Is this social commentary? A thoughtful statement about how fantastical the idea of a black man in office is to the average American? I will never know. I really like this character, he's a fun guy. He has more personality than most president characters do, probably due to him being on an awesome spaceship with a team of nodding yes-men in a delightfully Star Trek-esque uniform. I like him a lot. He's my boy.

This is the same scene where we get introduced to Vito Cornelius, a priest who appears to be Catholic because he does the sign of the cross later in the movie, even though I definitely assumed he was some weird member of the church of the Fifth Element or something.

Cornelius is here to suggest that the ball of fire is sentient and evil, and that the president shouldn't shoot it with missiles, because it's so sentient and evil that it'll get even sentienter and eviler. Of course, the president disregards this warning, because that's what movie presidents do to random old men in robes.

From this blunder comes one of the many incredibly hard lines in this movie. Where Mr. President tells Staedert, his military commander, "I have a doubt." and Staedert replies "I don't, Mister President" and then presses the fire button on the huge gigantic missiles. It's awesome, only slightly undercut by the fact that it doesn't work and Staedert and his crew get fucking obliterated right after. By the evil sentient ball which shoots out a flare of flames that has an evil spooky skull in it. That's not a joke at all, that seriously happens in this scene. I laughed.

Now we smash cut to Bruce Willis. He's Korben Dallas, this sort of gritty ex-military guy with a very cute cat. I love this cat. She is an adorable, slightly cross eyed white longhair. It's honestly a tragedy and a waste that she was only in like two scenes. She should have been ever-present, fitted with Air Bud esque mouth animation so she could act as Bruce Willis' voice of reason throughout the film.

Korben Dallas is trying to quit smoking. He's a cab driver who's dogshit at driving his cab and is mere seconds away from losing his license. He is, and I quote, "Still stuck on that two-timing slut." He wants a perfect woman. There are about two Chekov's guns in that last block of text.

He opens his first scene with us in what I can only describe as the sluttiest most hot and sweaty chest binder I've ever seen. And a pair of tight belted leather boots that it really seems like he fell asleep wearing.

And then he gets mugged by a guy, presumably so they can show us how much he knows about guns, and that he has been mugged enough that he now has a secret shelf that is just completely full of guns. Hilarious. I love this bit. It's not even relevant, I just loved it.

Okay so the evil sentient ball of fire. We didn't forget about that. This scene is one that confused me really badly during my rewatch. Here, Cornelius explains in full detail and in much less vague terms than before what the Fifth Element does and why they need it to save Earth from this evil ball of fire. This scene renders most of the in-narrative purpose of the first scene moot. The only reason it now exists (other than some background stuff that could probably have been introduced in a less odd way) is to address a more meta issue, which I'll get to later. But while I was watching it, I couldn't help but think "Well... then what the hell were we doing in the desert with Luke Perry?"

In this scene, we get to see the Mondoshawans again for the final time, so we can introduce the bad guy aliens, the Mangalores. They jack the stones (the elements) from the Mondoshawan ship and blow them up.

I thought this scene was supposed to set up the stereotypical "military incompetent" idea that's often present in this type of sci fi, but the president honestly makes mostly good decisions that don't make him feel like a bumbling idiot once through the entire movie. Honestly, he's kind of cool. I like him.

Okay, now that the Mangalores have been tragically exploded, we get the vehicle towards one of our main characters. Using a saved body part from the Mangalores and some utterly and delighfully made up genetic scienceology, we recreated the perfect genes of some alien into... a skinny white girl with the orangest hair I've ever seen. This scene features one of the only costuming choices in the movie that I truly hate. Leeloo's weird strap undies (and subsequent inability to wear normal pants, but mostly these strap undies?). I just hate it. Why is it here. It's not even that sexy looking. She looks like a ham in an asylum.

The set design in this movie is also delightfully Whovian and Star-Trek-ish. Tinfoil walls, lava lamp type sensibilities. The costumes are camp the set is camp, everything is camp. It's an absolute whale. The costumes the policemen wear while chasing runaway Leeloo are just hilarious. Many fantastic choices made all around, except for those fucking weird underpants.

Some of the sci-fi concepts in this movie FEEL overplayed and hammed up, and then I remember that it was released when a lot of this stuff was new and in-vogue, and it becomes an interesting exercise in perspective. Maybe they were pioneers, what do I know? I'm having an absolute ball.

Okay, so Leeloo falls directly through the roof of Korben Dallas' cab, and before you say anything, I do have many choice words throughout this recap/review about the infamous trope borne of this movie, "Born Sexy Yesterday," and I am aware of its existence. These opinions are sprinkled throughout alongside my others.

So Bruce Willis seems to be a big fan of this strange woman who, especially in this scene, acts very childlike. Korben's interest doesn't really read as creepy in this scene, until later when he randomly assaults her. You know, like a creep would do. I digress.

Leeloo knows how to read Roman lettering, and while I understand this choice in this scene, I do think it doesn't make sense and kills a little bit of world building. Whatever. Language guy complaining about language stuff.

Speaking of world building, there are a lot of worldbuilding things conveyed visually and through dialog in this movie that arent ham-fisted exposition vomit, and I am very fond of them. The hitch inside the rear door of Dallas' cab, saying Leeloo "doesn't have a file," the Fog? That is never explained? This world has some suggestion of richness and intrigue that I love to see from sci-fi. They waste no time painting "THIS IS THE POINT" with big red letters, because it's just setdressing, and I think that ultimately makes these details really sing.

I love the dialog and energy in the high speed chase scene, the vertical train, the Fog??? The way this movie doesn't need to explain itself. Until it does explain itself. Blatantly. And then I get sad.

In a lot of ways, I think this movie's actual plot is the least interesting part of it. More on this later.

It also *really* seems like this movie was sponsored by McDonald's.

A nearly unconscious Leeloo begs Korben Dallas to take her to Cornelius, before passing out with such cartoonish vigor that I originally thought she was kidding.

So Korben takes Leeloo to Cornelius' apartment, getting originally turned away for being mistaken for newlyweds (barf). Instead of knocking again, he just kicks down the door. Cornelius realizes due to a tattoo on her inner wrist that she's the Fifth Element (!) and passes out. Korben places her on the couch.

Now, I don't really understand why Korben Dallas chooses to sexually assault Leeloo by kissing her while she's unconscious in this scene. It not only feels gross, it also feels kind of unprecedented. They've met once, had approximately the amount of chemistry you'd expect, and then she passed out. Maybe in the 90's this felt spontaneous and romantic, but to me it just feels like he did it for no reason. I wish she had actually shot him. Thankfully, her outburst of rage at this momentarily makes her feel a little less like a literal grade-schooler, a much needed respite.

Milla Jovovich does what I think is a pretty good job at keeping her pronunciation of the divine language consistent throughout the scenes where she speaks it. She's Ukranian-American, but I have no idea if she's bilingual or had an accent coach or something. Either way, well done Ms. Jovovich!

Anyway, Cornelius walks in having suddenly changed into these silly ass robes, a great sight gag, and kicks Korben out of the room, but not before he reveals that the words that Leeloo yelled at Korben meant "never without my permission," which really made me wish she had shot him *twice*.

The scene where Korben talks to his friend, Finger, about Leeloo was clearly supposed to be romantic, I'm sure. It actually makes him look like a freak. I hated him for much of this movie.

Now, Back to the Mangalores. The Mangalores are a warrior race who have been hired by the big evil of this movie-- Gary Oldman. For some reason, they decided to make him southern. Not that I'm really complaining, but characters in this movie seem to have accents for no reason, and I really love it.

I love Gary Oldman in this movie. His character, Zorg, is fitted with one of the most ridiculous wardrobes of the entire cast. He has this odd plastic cap on his head, a flaccid mohawk, and the filthiest facial hair possible (a soul patch). He is fucking awesome. I love Zorg.

Spliced between parts of this arms deal, we learn that the stones aren't in the case. Leeloo tells Cornelius that in case they were stolen, the stones were given to someone trusted by the Mondoshawans, but not before changing clothes in front of him and his apprentice. I swear, she does this like three times in this movie.

The cut back to Leeloo in this scene right after Zorg realizes the box is empty is really well done. Effective, funny, punchy. She laughs like a freak, it's great.

There's a bit of dialog Zorg has with his right hand man right after this failed arms deal where he talks about his philosophy around warriors and why he prefers killers. I love this bit. The way he just coldly leaves them with a bomb built into his holy-overkill-gun is hard as shit, and it gives us a nice insight into our villain in the first scene he's in. I like it. I like Zorg.

Speaking of Zorg, we get a proper introduction to him just after. Here is one of the most interesting scenes in this film, where we get some insight about Zorg and Cornelius' respective opinions on life and death.

The interesting thing about this scene is that I kind of agree with Zorg, his saying that death exists to create life for the living, ostensibly feeding the cycle of life and progress. Regardless, he is painted as stupid when Cornelius has to rescue him from choking on a cherry.

And why the hell would you ever put a whole cherry in a glass of water? You're basically asking to choke to death. And Cornelius has a point, why don't you, a guy who has a special button to unearth his bizarre elephantine freak creature from the secret drawer in your desk, have a special robot to smack you on the back when you're choking? *Especially* when you do dumb shit like putting whole pit-in cherries in your glasses of water? Answer me that, Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg.

Actually, I don't know how this bit is supposed to disprove Zorg's point. All it really proves is that people need each other sometimes, which has nothing to do with what Zorg was actually saying to Cornelius here. Now, we could argue that it goes against the way that he executes this philosophy, which is true, being that he is a weird freaky villain who has henchmen, but I don't want to argue that. Because the fact that they have this strange sum-zero philosophical argument where they're ostensibly not even talking to each other is way funnier.

Right after this there's a bit where he sends his right hand man to literally bug the space-oval office. As in, it's a cockroach with a little camera and microphone on it. This bit is super funny. No thematic relevance, I just loved watching the president fucking cream the roach with his shoe while Zorg's henchman writhed in pain from the mic feedback.

The next important scene, by which I mean the next scene, starts with a healthy serving of "Sci-Fi setting that is weird about Asian people." Get behind me, Mr. Kim, this movie doesn't respect you enough.

Anyway, Korben's hilariously young adult-sounding mother calls him on the phone to bitch at him insanely about how he never calls and gives us a key piece of information-- Korben has won an all expenses paid trip to Fhloston Paradise! This coincidentally is where Leeloo told Cornelius the person with the stones was. This contest was actually alluded to on Korben's television in his first scene as well. This movie is very, *very* good at setup-payoff. Lots of domino situations.

Korben professional-improvs his way out of a police confrontation (organized by Zorg) just to get walloped over the head by Cornelius, who intends to steal his tickets so he and Leeloo can save planet Earth. In the process, he also puts his former superior officer in a freezer. Everyone wants Korben's sweet sweet bod in this scene. It's really something.

There's a couple of details about Korben's character and his relationship with Leeloo in this scene that jumped out at me, and I will be addressing them alongside the others of their ilk later in this review.

Cornelius hatches a plan to make his apprentice David impersonate Korben so they can get to Fhloston. It doesn't work, of course, because this movie chose to represent being knocked out the most realistically I've ever seen in a blockbuster flick. Korben is only down for the count for a second or two, which means he caught up with them and pulled some more startlingly effective improvisation out of his ass to get on this flight with Leeloo. It's really remarkable how good this ex military guy is at improv. Get his ass behind a mic. Get Korben on Whose Zorg is it Anyway, and pay me royalties.

I have a note here that just says "Everyone in this movie wears what I can only describe as rave wear. It's pretty hilarious." I have nothing to add. That's accurate.

So they're boarding this flight, right? And here's a real doozy. 1 out of 2 of my impassioned rants on one specific character in this movie who we meet in this scene. Ruby Rhod. Ruby ffffucking Rhod.

I actually *need* to talk about this guy. He is like the Prince of outer space. His scenes where he does his talk show are mesmerizing, zany, all over the place. I felt like I was having a nightmare. He's fascinating, fabulous, flamboyant, some other f word that I'm choosing not to say right now. His use of "green" to mean "good" is just perfect. Korben's completely dodgy and stiff responses are honestly the perfect contrast to Ruby in this scene. They're foils. This scene has captivated me. Ruby prowls around while tiger growling noises play in the background and flirts with this random stewardess ON AIR, inches from her face with the mic separating their mouths, promising to have sex with her later. ON AIR. It's implied that this is a normal thing that is acceptable on his show.

Ruby also has a whole gang of yes men, all of which are only slightly less flamboyantly homosexual than he is, but still feel more explicitly homosexual than Ruby, who has sex with as many women as he can possibly manage, which seems to be many, because every woman who mentions his name in this movie appears to cream their pants if he so much as breathes near them. That girl he flirted with? She moaned and collapsed on the floor right after.

The scene after the show, where Korben Dallas pins Ruby to the wall and threatens him, would have been beautifully compelling if Korben Dallas was a butch lesbian. This is the furthest thing from thoughtful character analysis, I just would have liked it more.

It's implied in the following scene that Ruby has only ever really wanted to fuck aliens before meeting this random stewardess, and we get to watch a very cleverly compiled set of scenes from wildly different locales that all fit together. Ruby having sex with this stewardess, the ship taking off, and Zorg blowing up his right hand man for failing him. They also use the Wilhelm scream in this scene, but given that the movie was made in the late 90's this is par for the course, and is really much more tasteful than usual.

For some reason, rasta(?) music is playing. There is a vaguely rastafarian man in this scene, but only for around 12 seconds. The use of regionally and culturally specific music in this movie that has no bearing on the actual space the characters inhabit is absolutely fascinating to me. There was some music earlier, playing in sci-fi New York, that I swear used a Raga scale. All the music is very good, good job Éric Serra.

After Zorg finishes exploding his frankly very competent right hand man, we get a scene where we discover that he's after the stones because some man he's working for, Mr. Shadow, wants them. Zorg is the main antagonist for most of this movie. Mr. Shadow never comes back again, and we do not need him. All he really serves to do is to make Zorg look more pathetic and give him an excuse to be more desperate when he can't get his hands on the stones, which, while fine, I think the movie could have gotten away with just having Zorg being a dramatic villain who freaks out when he doesn't get his way without this bit. Not egregious, but not really a necessary scene.

Okay, I have a big question. Why is Fhloston paradise Hawaii? It just *is* Hawaii. Did Hawaii escape to a separate planet at some point? Good for them, except that Fhloston is still a crazy tourist spot full of annoying white people, so not really. This is just Super Mega Hell 2 for Hawaiians. The song they sing in the first Fhloston scene is really good, though. Thanks, Éric.

On the topic of Fhloston, I really love the use of color in the set. Given the way the rest of this movie is, it's possible that it's more for visual contrast and not theming, but there is a scene during the opera performance that switches between complements, and the visual contrast is, well, good.

Speaking of the opera, Korben has front row seats, and its 5pm. You know what that means.

It's fucking Ruby Rhod time, baby! Ruby is back in black, in the most fantastic costume in this entire movie. Despite it showing off his entire clavicle (no exaggeration), it manages to get more and more revealing as this scene plays out. This bit where he asks Korben if he's happy with being on Fhloston in his usual over the top, loud, flamboyant way and Korben looks into his eyes, leans into the mic, and says "Thrilled" drolly is a short interaction so packed with sexual tension that I can't even argue for it without just telling you to watch the scene. This is their only interaction that really FEELS like gay sex, and it made my jaw go slack for a couple of seconds, even as the movie immediately moved on to the much more important opera segment.

Speaking of the opera, for real this time, I have one complaint. It's an annoying complaint that nobody ever wants to hear, but I'm saying it anyway because that's what I'm here to do: Diva is *not* singing. Now, maybe in some later movie review we can learn my detailed opinions on live recordings of singing performances in film (short version: I don't think they should happen, and I hate them) my main complaint is mostly that Diva's actress is just not very good at *pretending* to sing, much less opera. She doesn't pretend to breathe, doesn't try to move her mouth with the incredibly strong vibrato (understandable to some extent) but most of all, her mouth shapes just aren't right. I can concretely point to certain mouth shapes and say "that's not the shape her mouth should be when singing that vowel," it's obvious enough that I can do that. Granted, I have some experience in singing on stage, so maybe that's just my personal annoying musician experience speaking, but it was really noticeable to me. Okay, annoying complaint over, now I can say nice things

This opera, Lucia di Lammermoor with a poppy remix track towards the end, is ridiculously well performed. Diva's vocalist, Inva Mula, does a stunning job at both the formal and informal portions of this song. It's actually amazing how little of her voice had to be computer edited to sound more "alien," it's only done like twice in the portion that it's done at all, and the rest is pretty clearly just her. She really knocks it out of the park here.

The movie does something interesting here that I really enjoyed, where they periodically show us different characters reactions to this opera. Mostly Korben and Leeloo. I want to focus on Korben, who looks at Diva like this is the first time he's ever been moved in his life. Seriously, his eyes are wet and shining with unshed tears and I really mean that. Right when we get this poignant reaction out of Korben, the pop track starts playing and the somber moment abruptly ends, which is kind of what it's like watching this movie, or clicking on a Read More and discovering a film review that is easily over 5k words.

This movie has a great penchant for match cuts. Actually, most of the transition and shot choices made in this movie are really top of the line. They're all punchy, sharp, playful, to the point. Fantastic cinematographic choices, guys.

Diva finishes her performance right after Leeloo finishes fighting Zorg by getting shot at while up in an air duct. The opera is then laid siege by the Mangalores, who brutally murder Diva. This is sad for me, because I wanted her and Leeloo to be friends, and for Korben Dallas, who just felt the strongest emotion he's ever experienced thanks to her.

Ruby, of course, continues reporting on his talk show throughout the assault, because he's a goddamn professional. He also spends the next scene and a half shrieking in fear.

The reveal that the stones are literally inside Diva's body not only makes me watch one of the more disgusting scenes in this movie, it also makes me wonder-- Was Leeloo just supposed to kill her? Also, how did they get in there? Many questions and no answers, because we aren't here to fuck around.

While Diva is giving Korben this weird spiel about how Leeloo needs him and his love to survive, there's this brief cut to Leeloo, bleeding in the air vent. This cut is an absolute pang to the gut. She sits, curled up, alone, sobbing painfully with a bullet wound in her leg. She looks small, helpless, childlike in this brief scene. It was so impactful to me that it just made me angry about the way Korben and Leeloo's relationship in this movie is executed. This is another "get back to it later" thing.

For the rest of this "getting shot up by Mangalores" scene, Ruby Rhod is cowering and sniffling and screaming for Korben to help him. It's honestly like this for the rest of the movie. They're just friends now. It's awesome. I love this guy. He accidentally shoots a guy in the head and then asks Korben "You think he'll be okay?" He's the best character in this movie.

We get one of Korben's final fantastic moments of improv in this scene. It's around this point, during the "negotiation" scene, that I realized that the problem with this movie is that the best parts of it are the parts that aren't about the two characters who I'm supposed to care about the relationship between.

This scene, where Korben gets in a fighter jet, says it's just like driving a cab (a contrast from his conversation with Finger in his first scene, where he says driving a cab is easy because he isn't driving a jet) and then blows a fucking hole in the airlock and guns it out of the Fhloston ship, is so fucking cool. I'm a very simple man. It was awesome. One question, does Korben have some kind of allergy to reminding people to put seatbelts on? This is the second time he's just allowed his passengers to fly around the cabin while he drives recklessly.

Ruby's show ends at 7pm, when he tiredly proclaims that it's the best show he's ever done. I was thinking the same thing. In fact, Mr. Rhod, I really think you should hire Korben. There, now he has a new job.

Right here is where I'm going to address one of my main points (gripes) about this movie. Yes, I know, over 5k words in.

This part of the scene, where Leeloo has her weird crisis of faith about the evil of the human race, learns about war and concludes that humans aren't worth saving, falls flat to me. Sure, it feels over-played, but ultimately the problem is just that it's not done well, much like the rest of her characterization. Leeloo's depiction as being naive and childlike, which honestly only holds because she doesn't really speak fluent English, holds back her character because of the movies comphet insistence that her and Korben be romantically involved. A narrative where Leeloo, naive and unfamiliar, Leeloo, who needs other people, who sobs painfully alone in an airvent, who needs to be dried off with a towel after getting soaked with water, is actually a child, would be more compelling. And her not being able to reconcile with the evils of humanity would also have felt more convincing if she was literally a child. Like, of *course* she can't see the situation with any nuance, she's a kid. A narrative where Leeloo and Korben's dynamic is more familial would be more interesting, and honestly the way she's characterized already lends itself so perfectly to this narrative that there were points where I got actually upset that the movie refused to go that direction.

I'll go ahead and talk about Korben's character here as well. Korben is a refreshing detraction from the classic grizzled tough guy trope that we tend to see in action movies. Whether this is a result of 90's zeitgeist or just the writer's own preferences, I don't know, but I noticed it. I was expecting Korben Dallas to be a sort of obnoxious, emotionally stunted brick wall of a guy-- but he isn't, really. Korben is quick on his feet, improvisational, messy, and sure he's genius with a gun, but he's also *nice*. He's nice in a distinctly not "Grizzled emotionally stunted guy" way. When he accidentally gets Leeloo soaking wet, he gets her a towel at warp speed, apologizes up and down in a much softer tone than he ever uses for anything else. I thought at first "of course, because he likes her," but then-- Then! When he discovers that he's accidentally plastic-wrapped Cornelius, he rips the plastic and apologizes-- in the same sort of tone. He adapts his approach to the Mangalore barrage in the cruise ship to Ruby Rhod, never complains about Ruby being a nuisance or being in his way, just brings him along and asks him to help out. I honestly really like Korben Dallas. Which is why, upon reflecting on earlier scenes in this movie, it really irritates me that he just kisses Leeloo for no reason, or even that he's in love with her at all.

That scene I mentioned, where Korben dries her off, or even as early as the cab scene where she's talking animatedly to him in the divine language and we get the "bada boom" dialog, just oozes a kind of gentleness and care that doesn't speak satisfactorily to romance or sex. Leeloo, this childlike character, and Korben, this gentle man who happens to be great with guns, don't feel like husband and wife. They don't feel like sexual partners. He feels like her father. That moment with the shower soured the rest of their dynamic for me during my rewatch, because I kept thinking about how much better it could be. That dynamic, as I've already said, would have been deeply compelling, especially given the final reveal of the movie.

Now that we've escaped Fhloston, we've headed back to the temple in Egypt. This is that meta function of the first scene I said I'd address-- without it, there is no sense of a sort of circular journey the film takes. The film establishing this temple *is* important, because otherwise this scene where we return to it just wouldn't land as well. That said, I do still think the first scene is a little odd and clunky. Then again, so is much of this movie, and it's still a good scene.

Our characters spend a frustratingly long time decoding a "riddle" that Leeloo tells Korben, one which was so simple that I was yelling at my laptop the first time I watched it. We get another very gratifying and subtle payoff from an earlier scene where we see Korben has only one match left, which he needs for the fire stone. Earlier, we see him subtly take his penultimate match from the box. This movie's Chekov game is crazy.

Much like this review, Leeloo says something that feels deeply substantial nearly 2 hours into a 2 hour long movie. She says "I don't know love. I was made to protect, not to love. There is no use for me other than this."

This line is so compelling to me. It's the most CHARACTER I've seen from her in the whole movie, and its 2 hours in. We do not get to explore it.

You might have noticed, based on this line, what the Fifth Element actually is. What Leeloo needs in order to activate her Element and shoot the big fuckoff laser into the evil fire ball.

Its ~Love~.

This is, of course, ridiculously corny and requires them to kiss nasty on the mouth for longer than I would have liked to see (Of course, I would have like to not see it at all).

I don't actually mind this conclusion or the theming. It's silly, but so is the whole movie. But you might, like me, see an issue here.

If we had approached this movie the way I so desperately craved, made their dynamic more familial, made Leeloo a child and given Korben a new weird alien daughter, this conclusion would have been leagues more powerful.

Not only would it be a unique approach to what is usually a very hetero and sexual genre, it would have given a much more gratifying conclusion to Korben's character arc. At the beginning of his arc, Korben talks about how he's looking for a perfect woman after his wife left him. In the movie, Korben just... *gets* the perfect woman. He gets exactly what he wanted and he learns nothing. If Korben instead had to reckon with this new facet of his life and identity, had to reconcile with being thrust into quasi-fatherhood, he might actually have deigned to, you know, *develop* as a character. He would have *learned* something. I'm not saying every single character in the movie has to learn something, but the main goddamn character probably should, right?

But since it's an ~adult movie~ for ~grown ups~, we can't tell compelling family narratives, and the movie has to end with them having sex in a reactor pod. I hate that. I hated that conclusion and my least favorite part of this movie was its main conceit, which was genuinely tragic given how enjoyable I found the rest of the film.

So, I'll leave you with this.

The Fifth Element (1997) is a *good* movie. It's incredibly fun, zany, raunchy, and lively. The music is very good, the costuming and set design is whimsical and fantastic. It's a little weird about Asians. It birthed one of the worst cinema tropes ever invented, and it didn't even have to, because the movie would have been really, deeply beautiful if it hadn't.

And Korben Dallas should have been a butch lesbian.

Actually, I'll leave you by saying that the song that plays in the credits of this movie is really good. "Little Light of Love," it's called. I'm going to link it so you can experience it, too.

[yanyanobsessed]

continuing on my yandere vampire fics from a while ago.. I figured the best way to expand on it would be to go back to the beginning.

Note: Theres a lot of worldbuilding here lol, Probably my heaviest work yet, contentwise (not in a dark sense, this post is just hefty when it comes to her word count)

Grace Addams (she/her)

Yandere type: Worshipper, obsessive

Grace was adopted quite young, raised by a wealthy couple with her every need met and accounted for by leaps and bounds. Anything she wanted, her dads did their best to accommodate- which thankfully was relatively easy for them, given that they were in no short supply of funds.

As a child, Grace was very quiet for the most part- almost too quiet, save for the occasions where she was left hungry or with a stomach ache, in the time prior to her vampiric nature coming to light. Her parents discovered quite early on that she was not exactly human, delightfully greeted by quite a number of little fang-marks when she went through teething as a toddler.

Vampires weren't unheard of by any means, but the couple lived in a rather wealthy rural area, and they had never in their lives encountered one in the flesh. However, having discovered the nature in their precious daughter, they felt it would be most appropriate to reach out online, finding comfort in the form of a number of forums and online communities centered on vampiric parenting and resources. They adapted their routines for her, swapping the baby food and solids that had caused her many a stomach ache with meats and iron-enriched tomato juice, which they had read online served as a temporary substitute for blood in the time it would take them to get in contact with a vampiric supply center for her. They abandoned the practice of using garlic in their cooking, so on and so forth, and with time Grace became a much quieter child, content and enriched.

As Grace grew, she remained very silent in her movements- thanks to her supernatural nature, she was able to move much faster than the average child, soundlessly darting around the manor she was raised in. Well, soundless aside from the occasional giggle when she was particularly giddy, or the wailing cries that followed her bumping into something in her fun. Despite her stealth and speed, she proved to be quite clutsy at times, running into things quite frequently even when she was moving at a normal speed.

When it came time for Grace to enter schooling, her parents debated quite a bit, before resolving that it would be good to enroll her at a school in the city, as opposed to one in the rural area they inhabited. They remained in their manor, but began arranging to take Grace to and from school each day, making the hour drive each direction in order to allow her the chance to meet other kids who might not judge her as harshly as those in the rural lands were almost guaranteed to.

This went on for years, with Grace attending class with other kids, packing her little blood pack and tupperware of meat each day to class, shifting to just a thermostat full of blood as she got older. By 7th grade, she had grown accustomed to this routine quite perfectly- She now was brought to school and back home by a private driver her parents hired, but that change aside, things remained relatively unchanged. Grace was silent in her classes, hardly ever talking with her classmates unless it was required, preferring to spend her time studying or reading. It was in one of these such moments, where she had her nose in her latest reading, on the day when everything changed.

Mrs. Lorella called everyone's attention to the front of the room, interrupting the chatters of first period with an introduction. A new student would be joining them. Grace looked you over without much intrigue, simply wishing to acquaint herself visually with you so that she would know your name if it came necessary- and yet, she was surprised when you met her eyes perfectly, honed in on her out of all the students present.

After introducing yourself, as soon as Mrs. Lorella let you go, you made your way straight to Grace's desk, smiling at her. "Is this seat taken?" Grace shyly shook her head, and you eagerly plopped your things down, scooting in right next to her with a smile that rivaled the sun in brightness.

It was that way for the rest of your classes- There was only one period in which the seat next to Grace was not available, and in every other opportunity you didn't hesitate to take the one which was, even looking a little saddened when you saw that one taken seat. Grace was slightly put off by you at first- She didn't dislike you by any means, but you were strange to her. She had always been naturally avoided or picked on by other kids, and although she shut that down quite quick to the best of her ability, that didn't mean she searched for companionship in her classmates. She thought she had more than enough of the stuff with her fathers, whom she was incredibly fond of. And yet, as time went on, and you continued to insert yourself into her life, she found it hard to deny that she enjoyed your company.

Within the next few weeks, her walls had begun to come down, and she found herself increasingly giddy when she was around you. One day at lunch hour, without even consciously realizing it, she offered for you to come over to her house after school. It was an offhand remark, in reply to you asking her about her driver, and yet the way your face lit up in response made her heart flutter in a way that was completely alien to her. You eagerly agreed, happy to spend time with her as she found herself smiling in response.

Thus began a routine of sorts- Most days after classes, you would go to Grace's house, as your parents were busy with work and made no complaint to the extra hours afforded by not having to drive you home, and you and Grace would spend the afternoon together. By the time you had to go home, Grace would accompany you, and listen to your ramblings the entire car ride to your home, spending the drive back in silence, dreamily looking out the window.

Grace's parents were quick to catch on to her fondness for you, welcoming you as one of their own in a way.

Over the years, you and Grace became attached at the hip - anywhere you went, Grace followed, and vice versa. Any time you had to spend apart, Grace found herself lamenting the distance, eagerly texting you in efforts to close the gap electronically, which proved comforting to her worries. However, it was noticable that any time you were apart from her, she became visibly antsy. She would tap her foot, fidget with her family rings, look around as if she could spot you nearby- and don't forget checking her phone often, debating whether to call you or not. As the attachment between you grew, so did her protectiveness, to a very obvious degree.

Now, on the nature of Grace's vampirism- While the school she went to wasn't necessarily hostile to her kind, her parents were instructed when she was first enrolled to teach her to keep it under wraps. While being a vampire wouldn't get you hunted openly like in the olden days, government intervention didn't prevent the prejudice that still ran deep in some people, and they found that it would be safer for their little girl if she didn't rampantly go around showing off her vampirism.

Grace had been very good about this rule of her parents' for her entire schooling- and yet, like most of her outward shell, it unraveled quite easily when it came to you.

One day, when you were at her house, you questioned her about her fidgeting. She bit her lip, continuing to twist her rings as her eyes flitted around the empty library you two presently occupied your time in.

"..Can I tell you a secret, Y/N?"

"Of course! You can tell me anything- I'm very good at keeping secrets, my mom says."

Grace took a deep breath.

"..I'm a vampire." She blurted out, cheeks rosy as she watched your reaction with fearful eyes.

A moment passed, and she just about felt her stomach drop, when you suddenly smiled, your entire body language brightening with intrigue.

You eagerly questioned her about it, taking the news in stride as you rattled off all your curiosities, holding both of her hands in yours as you did so, a habit of yours that Grace found herself quite fond of.

From that day onward, Grace found her attachment to you growing- She had never before even considered draining someone, and yet these days she found her eyes drifting to your neck dangerously often. She always managed to catch herself, although it was in the private moments that the urge came strongest. She always reeled herself in however, and was able to restrain herself.

That was, until sometime in the summer after your highschool years had finished, when a blood shortage had been wearing her thin, and you had been teasing her privately at every turn regarding her fangs, and how you would let her bite you if she wanted (which never failed to fluster her immensely, might I add.)

(Stopping here for now, lemme know what y'all think and any ideas you might have regarding Grace!)

[vintagerpg]

Escape the Dark Castle (2017) is so goooooood. After one play, it immediately joined our regular rotation of board games. It essentially takes the idea of an adventure gamebook like Fighting Fantasy, but tears the spine off and randomizes the story. You and your friends (it’s co-op) escape the dungeon and proceed, card by card, through fifteen rooms in hope of finding a way out. In those rooms are all manner of monsters, traps, mysterious strangers and other challenges to overcome, mostly through rolling special dice. Should everyone get through the regular rooms in one piece, all that remains between the players and egress is a terrifying boss monster. Should any character die, the game is lost. Shuffle the cards, pick fifteen new ones and try again.

Items give small advantages and healing. Expansions add wrinkles (like the curses and plagues, which make things harder, or flaws, which, despite the name, are beneficial, single-use special powers). There’s even a moody dungeonsynth soundtrack on vinyl and cassette. All of that stuff enhances a game that is already great. It is exciting to play, fast paced and keeps player’s attention even when all seems lost — like Return to Dark Tower, fortunes can turn rapidly. Escape the Dark Castle is harder though — we’ve only won two times out of probably close to 30 plays [edit: our average has improved since writing this, but not by a large margin].

A huge amount of the game’s appeal rests on the shoulders of the art of Alex Crispin that decorates all the cards. He captures something of the vibe of the early 80s UK RPG scene — the art is black and white and scratchy, its subjects a mix of gross, brutish, gloomy and silly — but also feels modern and un-nostalgic (as much as the art reminds me of Fighting Fantasy, it also reminds me of Marc Rude’s art for Earth A.D. and the pointy illustrations that cover black metal records). The result is an excess of delightfully grim atmosphere. Who’d have thought dying would be so much fun?

[dailysabinasmuts]

Aria shudders as she idly caresses herself, admiring her voluptuous body in the mirror, all dressed up and ready to be fucked. She simply cannot wait for tonights date where she will finally recieve the hard dicking she deserves! Aria had even invited several boys just to be sure, after all, her friends were quite fond of poaching and ruining her dates. As if in cue, a wail of despair echoes from elsewhere within the building; and so it begins. Over the next half hour, a cacaphony of utterly depraved sexual noises reverberate throughout the OTV house. With every groan, Aria grows ever more concerned, surely she called over enough guys to drown the sluts in enough bodies so that some would get through...

As the number of voices silenced spirals up through the double digits, Aria's despair increases. She had hoped that with 117 guys coming to her house, at least one guy would have been able to avoid getting drained senseless by the sex demons that she lives with. But it seems that even that much flesh could not satiate the OTV whores, and so once again Aria will be having a dickless birthday. Two of those said whores patter by her door, chattering about the surprise orgy they just engaged in; it sounds like Kimi and Leslie had enjoyed themselves...

So it comes something as miracle when Aria hears a gentle, rhythmic tapping at her door, the signal she agreed upon! She wrenches open the door in a flash, hauling whoever it may be inside before any one else would have a chance to notice. By this point Aria was so horny that she worship even an ugly bastard with the smallest, smelliest, limpest cock as if it were perfection itself. So she is pleasantly surprised to discover that you are well, delightfully average in looks, and judging by the bulge in your pants, not lacking in vigor nor size. Breathlessly, Aria presses herself against you, reveling in the feeling of a man's body against hers, shamelessly humping you and rubbing herself against your chest. Her soft breasts spill out of her top as she kisses you, her tongue hungrily ravishing your mouth as she moans in ecstasy. She drinks in your heady scent, some primal part of her brain identifying you as unmarked by the stench of other women; its been so long since Aria fucked a virgin... So when your hands cup her toned ass she orgasms, so deprived of sexual gratification that even the barest touch is enough to cause her to peak.

The burning heat in Aria's crotch reminds her of where her true pleasure awaits and she eagerly spins about, pulling her skirt aside to reveal her juicy pussy. She groans desperately as she back against your loins, even as you fumble your rock-hard cock out of your pants. Aria grinds on you in frenzy, her hot cheeks sliding against you with such dizzying speed, you can't even tell if its in or not. She howls will lust, filthy words spilling from her lips as she loudly urges you on, pleading with you to fill her with your cum. In the face of such intense stimulation, its only natural that your load is quick to spend itself; as your cock is enveloped in frantically moving, warm, wet flesh you orgasm. Aria for her part greets this advent with shriek of triumphal joy, climaxing so hard she collapses onto the floor, twitching as her body rewards her for fulfilling its need to be bred.

Curiously, you notice that the house had gone silent following Aria's exultant screaming; then there are pounding footsteps on the stairs. The door is slammed open so hard its handle impales itself in the wall, as someone storms into the room and pins you to the wall, banging your head against it so hard your eyes blur. When your tears resolve you find yourself looking at a furious Poki, her hand slightly loosening around your neck as takes in the details of your situation. Jaime stalks into the room behind her, crouching by the insensate Aria, still spasming with the aftereffects of her colossal orgasm. Jaime lets out a cackle, dragging her hand across her friends ass as she joins Poki, smirking with unsuppressed mirth. It turns out you never did make it inside of Aria's pussy, the entire time your cock was simply rubbing against her sweaty ass and thighs. Poki snorts, well if Aria remains unspoiled... then all can be forgiven, and you are cute enough to serve as a fucktoy. She muses, you had shown remarkable skill in evading the girls, and you didnt seem to so maliciously, and oh, you're a cherry boy as well. Normally Poki would let Jaime or Jodi break those guys who dared to lay a hand on her beloved Aria, but such a fate seems a touch excessive for you...

"Celine dear, would you please put this poor boy's virginity out of its misery? Don't exhaust him too much though, I may want to clean the Aria off of him afterwards..."

Its going to be a long night