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lavenderbang · 1 year ago

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Are We Just Friends?

Best Friend! Kim Taeyoung x reader

Genre(s): Best Friend to lovers, non-idol au, fluff I guess??? some angst because I couldn’t resist, Maybe slightly suggestive if you squint, and mentions of some of the other members of cravity

Warning(s): swearing, weed use, but that’s about it

Summary: Your best friend invites you to hang out late at night; that’s expected, since you usually hang out at night, but what you didn’t you didn’t expect was him to tell you something that has been on his mind recently

A/N: I AM IN LOVE WITH KIM TAEYOUNG. Okay but actually, I just really wanted to write this because I’m a self-indulgent fic writer and I want to hang out with Youngtae so badly bruh... So I’m writing this now. I hope you enjoy :)

HE IS SO PRETTY !!!!

Dumbass: I’m outside loser :p

You quickly slipped your old fleece jacket on before stepping out into the crisp cool night. It was late; later than you would usually hang out.

But with Taeyoung’s busy work schedule, you were just glad you were able to go see him. His junky grey car sat idling beside the curb; you could always hear it before you could see it, probably due to the shitty transmission or problems with the wheel bearings that Taeyoung didn’t have the money to fix.

He worked at your town’s local grocery store, mostly stocking shelves. He said it was only until he could find something better, but three years later he still spends almost everyday arranging boxes in the back and accounting for the shipments.

“Hey nerd, what’s the plan?” You said stepping into the car and closing the door behind you. He was wearing a simple black tee-shirt and a pair of baggy jeans. He also had the bracelet you gave him for his birthday wrapped around his wrist. It was a simple silver chain, but you had an almost identical one that you wore everyday.

“Wow, not even a ‘how are you’?” Taeyoung huffed, shaking his head playfully at you, “Straight to business I see...” You couldn’t help the smile the crept up onto you face as you rolled you eyes at him.

“Okay sorry,” You said sarcastically, going to buckle up your seat belt, “How are you?” “I’m good, thanks for asking.” Taeyoung said flatly, grinning softly at you before putting his hands on his steering wheel, “Is it okay if we go down to the river? Or is it too spooky for you this late?”

You lived in a small town out in the middle of nowhere; the population was low, mostly just families that had been there for generations and the occasional newcomer coming in for work. It was tucked up in the hills and surrounded by woods; It also bordered a river, which was a hot spot for people to visit in the summer to escape the blistering heat. Even though it wasn’t too hot now, it would still be nice to sit out there in the shroud of night and get a nice summer breeze off the edge of the water.

“That sounds fine dude,” You replied, tugging at the sleeves of your jacket, “But it wouldn’t be this late if you would have invited me out sooner.”

“Sorry, some of us have a job.” Taeyoung scoffed, putting his car in drive and pulling away from your house. Without looking away from the road, he tosses his phone into your lap, “You have to DJ because I have to make sure we don’t hit anything.”

“roger that.” You hummed, scrolling through Taeyoung’s Spotify to press shuffle on a playlist titled ‘The Jams’. The song didn’t really matter, since it was just background noise anyways.

“How was work today? You were there pretty late tonight huh?” You asked only for Taeyoung to groan dramatically.

“For some reason, Serim’s dad ordered a double shipment of a bunch of our items, so I had spent ages counting them out,” Taeyoung huffed, stopping at a red light and turning to you, “Why did he do that to me?! When Serim hooked me up with this shitty job at his dad’s grocery store, I thought it was supposed to be fun!”

Taeyoung started waving his hands around as he ranted. You couldn’t help but grin; it was a habit he had that you noticed almost immediately after becoming friends. You think it must just be from him getting too worked up over stuff, because you also noticed he did it when he was excited as well.

“I thought I was supposed to be chill because Mr. Park has always been super chill when we go to their house to hang.” Taeyoung continued, “But nooo! When I work for him, he orders a double shipment out of the blue or asks me to count everything again ‘just to be sure’. I swear he purposely makes me stay longer at work.”

“Youngtae,” You hummed, pointing out the front window at the traffic lights, “Green.” Taeyoung let out a sigh before pressing on the gas.

“If you hate it so much, why do you stay working there?” You asked, rolling down the window to let the cool night air in. Taeyoung approaches the edge of town, turning down the dirt road that would lead you both to the river bank.

“I heard the gas station Minhee work at is looking for someone. You could ask him to help you out.” You suggested, earning a “mmh-hmm” in response from Taeyoung.

“Maybe, but I’m pretty sure the owner hates me for shoplifting candies when we were in middle school.” He said sheepishly, cringing at the memory and pulling off the road; he drove through the long grass to the edge of the river before putting his car in park.

“Besides, I don’t want to be in this hellhole for much longer.” Taeyoung confessed, turning his car off and taking his seat belt off.

“No?” You replied, taking your seat belt off too, opting to lean the seat back a bit more before continuing in a teasing tone, “This place doesn’t tickle your fancy?”

“Not at all,” Taeyoung chuckled, pushing his dark hair out of his face, “You guys made being here manageable, but I can’t stand being here. I feel like I’m going to be stuck.”

“I get that,” You said, staring at your hands in your lap, “We all feel the same, I think...”

“Do you have your pen on you?” Taeyoung suddenly asked. You silently pulled it out of your pocket and handed it to him. He takes a hit of it before frowning.

“What flavour of cart is this? It tastes like ass.” Taeyoung complained, handing the dab pen back to you. You take a hit of it too, humming as you let the smoke fill your lungs.

“Its blackberry I think..?” You replied, bringing the pen up to your eyes to look at it. You shrug, taking another hit of it, “I wanted to try something new. Besides, it’ s not that bad.”

Taeyoung took it from your grasp before placing it between his lips. His eyebrows furrowed as he inhaled with a disgusted look on his face.

“Remind me to never buy blackberry.” He grumbled, giving it back to you as you giggled at him. The two of you sat in silence for a moment. You glanced at Taeyoung’s side profile, as he was seemingly staring out into nothingness.

“Did you hear Seongmin got into university?” Taeyoung broke the silence, and you nodded. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel while thinking, before leaning back, “I’m happy for him. He moves into the city sometime at the end of august. He asked me and a few of the guys if we’ll drive him in and help him move stuff into the dorm.”

“That’s really wonderful for him,” You said genuinely, eyes drifting away from Taeyoung to look out to where he was staring at. You could see the reflection of the water from the light of the moon, as it was pretty clear that night. You turned back to Taeyoung, trying to read his expression, “don’t you think its wonderful?”

“Yeah, of course.” Taeyoung said, smiling at you weakly before taking a deep breath, “Its just... I’ll miss him, y’know? I think it’s one of the big reason I haven’t left yet. I’d miss you guys too much...”

“Yeah, I understand what you mean.” You said, looking out your open window, “But I think it’ll be okay.”

Taeyoung looked at you, but you were leaned away from him against the window, closing your eyes just to bask in the night atmosphere. He could barely see you in this light, but your figure looked calm and relaxed in the light of the moon.

“You’re not worried about drifting apart?” Taeyoung asked, anxiety laced through his tone as he fidgeted in his seat. You glanced at him before sitting up in your seat.

“Not at all.” You said simply, smiling softly and brushing your hand through your hair, “I think if we all put in a effort to talk or text regularly, no distance could force our little group apart.”

You turn to face Taeyoung, who chewed his bottom lip nervously. His eyes shone like diamonds from the reflection of the sky, and you couldn’t help the grin that came across your face.

“It’s all about doing your part to nurture the relationship, y’know?” You concluded, taking your pen out and having one last hit of it before throwing it haphazardly in the cup holder.

“I guess you’re right... I’m just scared because it’ll be really different.” Taeyoung hummed. He picked at his nails, peeling the polish you did a week ago off them.

“Different doesn’t mean bad,” You replied, before smiling playfully and grabbing his hand to stop him from picking off the nail polish, “Hey, don’t pick off all my hard work!” Taeyoung chuckled at you, looking down at his fingernails and then back at you.

“Sorry.” He said and laced his fingers in between yours, “You’re right. everything will be okay. Besides, we will all move at some point, right?” You hummed in agreement, turning to look out the window again at the river.

Taeyoung’s hand was warm in yours; he felt clammy from the summer humidity, but it fit almost perfectly in yours. Like it was meant to belong there...

You sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments, nothing heard but the sound of crickets in the reeds by the river and the quiet melody of the song playing on Taeyoung’s phone.

That’s how it was with Taeyoung, comfortable.

You and him had always been close, you’d even go as far as saying he was your best friend in your little group of friends. But more recently, you’d been feeling a bit awkward around Taeyoung after an incident that happened that planted this annoying thought in the back of your head...

Jungmo had a party about a month ago at his house; His parents were out of town that weekend, so of course all of your friends were invited, plus a few other people you graduated with. Well, of course that lead to a bunch more people showing up (people you didn’t really know), but nobody really minded at the end of the day, since the more the merrier for it.

You, Taeyoung and a few of your other friends were sitting out in the backyard, overall having a good time. There were a few other people around, but you didn’t really notice to much; you were absolutely high at the time, as was Taeyoung and the boys from your friend group which were sitting with you.

“No you’re not listening to me (Y/N)!” Woobin shouted, taking slow, long blinks while putting his hands up in defense, “You would need to go to the boat, Like they do in the movie.”

“no no! I’d just swim around until the flood ended,” You argued, crossing your arms, “Besides, they didn’t even get to the boat in the movie, they just stood up on a rock and the water went away.”

“But the water only went away because of that dumbass squirrel and it’s acorn!” Woobin said with a huff, “Besides, you’ll get tired after swimming for a while. The only way to survive is getting on the boat.”

“What are you two arguing over? I can hear you yelling from inside...” Allen said with a drunken giggle, closing the patio door behind him as he sat down and cracked open the can of beer in his hand.

“How we would survive if we were in Ice Age, The Meltdown.” Taeyoung explained, grinning as he tossed his dab pen to Allen, “Ruby insists you’d die without getting to the boat and (Y/N) thinks they could just swim around until the water went away.”

“You’re both wrong and stupid,” Wonjin said playfully, wagging his finger around the circle before tapping on his head, “I’d just climb up onto the ice wall honestly.” You all let out exclamations in protest, talking about the water coming from the ice wall and Allen let out a hearty laugh at your antics.

“Youngtae,” You huffed in a whiny voice, leaning your head on his shoulder and sticking your lip out in a pout, “You think I could swim to survive, right?”

“If we are going based on the events of the movie,” Taeyoung hummed, tapping his chin clumsily while pretending to think, “I think you could swim for long enough to survive.”

“Ha!” You shouted, sticking your finger in Woobin’s face with a satisfied smile, “See? Youngtae agrees with me, which means I win!” You giggled happily and leaned more into Taeyoung, who slung his arm around your shoulder lazily.

“Whatever, I’m not listening to dumb and dumber.” Woobin said while rolling his eyes. You and Taeyoung immediately began bicker on who was dumb and who was dumber.

“I’m going in to get something to eat, anyone wanna come or need me to bring anything?” Woobin stood from his spot on the lawn and stretching his arms up over his head. Wonjin murmured something about chips while laying on his back and counting the blades of grass near his face. Allen shook his head no, before taking a sip of the drink he had in his hand.

“I wanna come! I have to pee anyways.” Taeyoung cheered, lifting you off of him to stand up. You grabbed onto Taeyoung’s arm and asked for a drink of water, to which Taeyoung acknowledged with a ‘roger that!’; then the two boys went inside, closing the patio door behind them leaving you with Wonjin and Allen and the few strangers from before. It was a girl you didn’t recognize accompanied by a guy you went to high school with, but didn’t really talk to, since he was a few grades above you.

“Hey guys, I think I took too much weed.” Wonjin said with a sigh, flicking the grass lazily, “My eyes feel like they are made of liquid and my body feels like it weighs a million pounds.”

“My mouth is just super dry...” You said, smacking your lips and touching your tongue with your index finger, “My thongue theels like thandpaper”

“You guys should have just had alcohol instead then,” Allen boasted, grabbing your arm to take your finger out of your mouth. He let out a little giggle, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully, “I mean, I had waaaaaayyy too much so I’m not any better off.”

“You probably came outside to make sure you didn’t puke on Jungmo’s carpet...” You hummed, earning a ‘bingo’ from Allen, who chuckled along with you before taking another swig from his beer and then setting the can down in the grass.

“You’ll be fine, Taeyoung is bringing you water for your precious tongue.” Wonjin said and sat up, pulling his phone out and turning it on only to put it back in his pocket. He then smiles gently to himself and snickering, “And Ruby is bringing me chips so I’ll be fine too, hehe....”

“You guys didn’t need anything, right?” Allen asked the strangers sitting off to the side. You turned to look at them and giving them both a polite smile, which they reciprocated.

“No we’re good.” The dude said simply, turning to the girl beside him and kissing her cheek with a grin. She leaned further into him as he pulled her closer, “Right baby?”

“Yeah, we are good.” She smiled at him before looking at you sweetly, “So, how long have you been dating?”

“....Huh?” You asked, furrowing your eyebrows at her, “Dating who?”

Just then, The patio door opened to reveal Woobin with a bag of tortilla chips and Taeyoung with two glasses of water in his hand.

“We have come bearing gifts!” Woobin cheered, throwing the bag of chips down onto the grass only for it to be snatched up quickly by Wonjin. Taeyoung gave you the glass gingerly, before sitting back down beside you with his own glass.

“What happened while we were gone?” Taeyoung asked, looking around at all the members in the little group.

“I was just asking your partner how long you two had been dating for?” The girl said, nodding her head towards you. You felt your eyes widen and your face heat up, as you quickly stared down at the grass. The girl turned to the boy beside her and placed a quick kiss on his lips, “Me and Christopher have been together for only a few months now, but it feel like its been forever. I was just wondering how long have you been dating for?”

“Me and (Y/N).... Uhhh...” Taeyoung mumbled, clearly taken aback by this girl’s question. He scooted a bit away from you, brushing his hair out of his face. The other boys looked between the two of you awkwardly, as you kept your eyes trained in your lap and the grass below.

“We aren’t a couple actually.... Just good friends, that’s all.” Taeyoung replied, embarrassment clear by the tone of his voice and the redness rising from his neck up to his ears. The girl had gone pale, letting out a quiet ‘oh’ before silence fell over the group.

“I’m sorry I assumed.” She apologized quickly, “You guys are just so touchy with each other and I saw the matching bracelets so I assumed. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine, you didn’t know.” Taeyoung laughed awkwardly, picking at his fingernails and looking anywhere but you beside him. You couldn’t bring yourself to look up at all. You felt your stomach sink and a horrible feeling of nausea washed over you as you tapped the edge of your water glass.

It went silent again, and you felt like everyone was holding their breath. You hated it. Were you and Taeyoung too clingy? Did people really think you guys were dating. There is no way you’d ever date Taeyoung, he’s your best friend! Why did you feel like your stomach was doing back flips and your face was on fire? You hated this whole situation; it was all too much for you right now.

You lazily checked your phone, pretending to look at the time before you downed your glass of water. You stood up, earning the attention of the rest of the group.

“Its pretty late and I had too much weed, so I’m going to go to bed.” You said with a weak smile, nodding to the couple of strangers, “Nice to meet you both.”

“Are you sure, (Y/N)?” Allen asked, standing up too. He gave you a subtle look of pity as you nodded, plastering a fake smile on your face. You felt like you were hyperventilating with all the eyes on you. It was all to much for you in this state.

“Good night boys.” You mumbled before retreating back inside, not sparing a glance at Taeyoung. Why did this situation make you so anxious. And why did this make you question your relationship with Taeyoung? Was your relationship perceived as more then friends by most people? Aren’t friends clingy anyways, or was it to a different degree you and Taeyoung? But most importantly, why did the idea of dating him not sound so bad to you when you really thought about it? You were going to be sick if you thought about it longer.

It was too much, so you pushed those thoughts as you retreated to Jungmo’s spare room and lock the door behind you, not to come out until the next morning, where nobody brought it up, not even Taeyoung.

Even when you hung out with him a week later, and then last week too, Taeyoung didn’t mention the incident at all, but you both knew it caused a change in the comfortability of your relationship...

It felt strange to hold Taeyoung’s hand after the incident. You weren’t sure what happened after you went to bed, but you were feeling a sense a relief that he did hold your hand when he needed it. It was a sign that maybe your relationship could be going back to normal maybe? Taeyoung brushed his thumb subconsciously over the back of your hand. Now buried in the relief arose a strange feeling, the one where your stomach was doing flips and your started to feel a bit warmer and that little thought of dating him crawled its way out of the back of your brain.

“Your hand is super sweaty dude.” Taeyoung laughed, giving it a little squeeze. You let out a laugh too, releasing his hand and wiping yours on your pant leg.

“Sorry, I guess I’m a little hot right now.” You confessed, “I shouldn’t have worn this shitty jacket...”

“I love that jacket, even though it’s so old and shitty,” Taeyoung said playfully, leaning over to grab near the pocket and smiling when he felt the crispy outline of a burn hole, “I remember when we all went camping last summer and you got hit by a stray spark from the campfire and it burned this hole in it. I remember you standing up so fast and me and you patting it out before it could burn you.” He chuckled at the memory, looking up at your face as you felt around the burn hole too.

“That was fun, minus me almost getting lit on fire.” You said grinning at the fond memory before looking at Taeyoung in the eyes, “We should go camping again sometime. Although, preferably when it’s not so hot outside.”

“If you’re really that hot, we could go for a swim in the river?” Taeyoung suggested nonchalantly, the corners of his mouth curling up into a cat-like grin.

“I’d love to, but do I look like I’m wearing a swimsuit stupid?” You chuckled, gesturing to your body before laughing a bit at the idea.

“Not a problem!” Taeyoung hummed, before surprising you by suddenly tugging his shirt up and over his head. Your eyes went from his bare torso back up to his face with a look of shock.

“It’s nothing you haven’t seen before because being in your underwear is basically the same thing as being in a swimsuit,” Taeyoung deduced, opening his car door and starting to undo his belt. His torso seemed to glow in the moonlight from the sheen sweat from the summer heat; he must have been just as hot as you were, but somehow you started to feel it even worse now that Taeyoung was more exposed. You couldn’t take your eyes off him and you felt your heart squeeze a bit, which was increasingly concerning.

“You coming or..?” Taeyoung asked with a smile, leaning down to make eye contact with you. His hands dipped into the top of his jeans, however he did not pull them down yet. You realized he was waiting for you to agree before doing so, which made you feel much more comfortable.

You thought for a moment. You knew this wasn’t a good idea, as the little voice in your head that arose form the party was getting stronger and you could feel the rational part of your head be clouded over by not only your other thoughts, but also the haze of your weed kicking in. You chewed you lip nervously before smiling softly back at Taeyoung.

“Fine Youngtae. Fuck it. It’s too hot” You sighed, taking your jacket off before stepping out of the car too. You piled all your clothing (besides your undergarments) haphazardly on the passenger seat and placed your shoes on the car floor in front of the seat. Now that you were out of the car in nothing but your underwear, you felt the coolness of the night air. However, you still felt just as hot, if not worse. You couldn’t shake the nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach or the beating of your heart the felt like it was going a million miles an hour from adrenaline.

Your nervousness must have showed, because you could hear a hearty laugh come from your best friend as he walked around to the front of the car.

“Relax a bit dude, it’s just me here.” He said, brushing his hair back once more. You refused to look anywhere south of his belly button, for your own sanity, but you did notice his boxers being a ugly plaid pattern from your peripheral.

“If I would have known you’d be seeing my underwear, I’d have worn nicer ones...” You said, trying to sound as casual as possible, but inside your body was on fire. Your brain was shutting down and your body felt jittery and nervous.

“Don’t worry about that, you look fine.” Taeyoung complimented, making your stomach drop. Taeyoung walked past you, going down to the very edge and walking along it, calling after you. “Come on, slow poke! The shallow area should be around here..”

You shook your head, trying to get a hold of yourself; taking a deep breath and following Taeyoung to the shallow part where people usually swam during the day. He stepped off the bank and into the water, having it come up to his ankles when he let out a few curses and curled his fingers into fists at his side.

“Brrrr! Its freezing!” He cried out, wincing at you as you laughed at how cute he was, “I’m going to become a Young-sicle after this I’m sure...”

“I guess I’ll be a (Y/N)-sicle then,” You said, stepping in beside him and feeling a shiver immediately run up your legs from the cold water. Your eyes meet Taeyoung and you both burst out in laughter at the knowing look of biting cold that you both are experiencing.

Taeyoung begins to wade out a bit further, complaining the whole time when you get an evil idea. You follow him, water getting up to around your knees with your grin growing as you close the distance between the two of you, so that you are are now standing maybe a couple feet away from each other again.

“Hey Youngtae!” You called to him to get his attention. He turned to look at you and before he had time to react, you dig your hands into the ice cold water and splash him. He shrieked due to the surprise of water hitting his body and the cool temperature of it of his skin. You laughed at his reaction, quickly doing a few more splashes so he doesn’t have time to recover, getting water all the way up to near his face.

“Quit it! It’s freezing!” He places his hands out to try and block the water from hitting him. Your laughter quickly goes from joyous to scared as he starts wading over to you.

“No wait! I’m sorry!” You said through a fit of giggles, weakly splashing at him to try and keep him away, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Youngtae, don’t!”

“You should have thought about that before you splashed me, stupid.” He giggled back, grabbing onto your arm and pulling you towards him so he can wrap his arms around your frame. You let out a squeal as he lifted you a bit, dragging you into deeper water.

“Youngtae, please don’t! I’m sorry.” You struggled against his iron grip, smacking his arms playfully, but you felt the chuckle leaving his chest as he held you still in the water.

“Sorry,” He hummed sarcastically, “Next time don’t start something you can’t finish.”

With that, Taeyoung quickly lifted you off your feet and promptly dunked you in the water, almost crushing you by laying down over you, just to make sure you couldn’t avoid the icy plunge. You screamed from the cold, while Taeyoung sucked air through his teeth at the freezing water rushing over his back. He let you go and you quickly spun around to face him before smacking him on the shoulder.

“Kim Taeyoung I swear, you’re dead meat!” You scolded while giggling at him. His expression mirrored your own, with only a slight hint of pride residing in his features.

“Hey! You were the one who splashed me first!” Taeyoung laughed, leaning back to sit in the shallow water; he crossed his legs, letting the water comfortably wade just under his collar bones. You mumbled in agreement, letting your laughter die down before you sat beside him.

The cool water was frigid at first, but after a few seconds of getting used to it, it felt refreshing. You let out a sigh of relief, feeling the heat from earlier subside even a little bit as you closed your eyes. You and Taeyoung were silent, just listening to the sound of the running water and the faint tune of Taeyoung’s car radio fill the air.

That is, until you best friend broke the silence.

“Hey, uhm.” He mumbled, causing you to open your eyes and look at him; you almost wished you didn’t. He looked beautiful, hair slightly damp, tan skin shining, soft eyes trained on you with his bottom lip slightly tucked between his teeth.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.” Taeyoung continued, scooting closer to you, causing the water around the two of you to ripple; much like the butterflies that arrive in your stomach from the possibilities of this conversation.

“What is it?”

“Well, I..... uhm.”

“Youngtae.” You said flatly, expression softening as you reached out for his arm to place a comforting touch to it, “talk to me.”

You could tell Taeyoung was anxious from the way his eyebrows furrowed and how his lips were pulled into a thin line. He had the same look before the talent show in middle school; It was the first time he performed in front of anyone and he was so nervous he almost threw up. But, just like now, you were there for him to make sure he was okay.

Like you’d always be.

He let out a sigh, before looking away from you, “I wanted to talk about what happened.. Y’know... at the party.”

It was your turn to be anxious now, body freezing up before you turned to look away too, focusing on the way the moon reflected off the dark water. Was this it? Did Taeyoung not want to be your friend anymore because of how you acted at the party? Did he think you were disgusted with the possibility of dating him? Would he be weirded out if he found out you felt quite the opposite?

“Look, I’m sorry.” He started out, struggling to find the words, “I know you were really uncomfortable and I.... I should have been more aware of how my behavior can be perceived by others. I know that we are just friends and I shouldn’t be so clingy...”

“Please don’t apologize! You didn’t do anything wrong.” You quickly countered, looking down at the way your body distorted through the water. You wanted nothing more than to drown yourself there.

You were the one who froze up and didn’t say a word. You were the one who left him alone to deal with the situation. You were the one who was slowly growing relationship-changing feelings... “It should be me who is apologizing.”

“For what?!” Taeyoung gasped, whipping his head to look at you.

“For making you think that I was upset with you! For leaving and making it awkward between us.”

“You weren’t upset?”

“No.” You huffed out, feeling your face heat up. You take your cold hands out of the water to pat your cheeks gently as you let out a sigh. Your mind felt cloudy and your heart beat went steady against your chest. You blamed the weed for allowing the truth to tumble out of your mouth, “I should apologize because I’m still making it awkward between us...”

“How so?” He mumbled, eyes burning holes into the side of your face as you looked out at the other shoreline. You heaved a heavy sigh, hanging you head before letting all the true thoughts and feelings you’ve been having spill out.

“Because I can’t stop thinking about how much I love you.” You confessed, words flowing from your lips much easier than you anticipated, “Not in a platonic, ‘we are best friends!’ way, but in a ‘I think about you all the time and want to wake up next to you everyday’ kind of way. I didn’t realize it until the party, but I am in love with you and I maybe always have been.”

The silence was deafening, with the only sound being the thumping of a nervous heart and the rushing of the cold water surrounding you. You drop you head, feeling the weight of what you just said.

Taeyoung was quiet beside you, seemingly from shock or being deep in thought.

You allowed the silence only for a moment before you turned to look at him. You couldn’t bear the uneasiness any longer.

“I’m so sorry.” You mumbled, your gaze catching his, “I know we are just frien-”

Taeyoung quickly cut you off by rushing forward, placing a hasty kiss on you lips. It was so quick, you weren’t even sure if it happened as you just stared at him, too stunned to speak.

He...

He kissed you?

“I’m sorry, I should have asked before I did that!” Taeyoung huffed out, running one of his wet hands through his hair as he smiled, mouth slightly agape. You noticed the redness creeping up his neck and cheeks.

“I... I’m just.” He stutters, brain seemingly short-circuited before he cleared his throat and took a deep breath to collect himself, “I just never thought you’d like me back.” “You... like me?” You asked, heart leaping into your throat.

“Well duh!” He giggled, “I mean, I thought I was pretty obvious about my feelings for you, but I just assumed you never saw me as anything more than a friend. And I’m more than happy to just be a part of your life.”

“Wow, I must’ve be blind...”

“No, just stupid.”

“Okay, that’s a bit uncalled for.”

“Sorry.” Taeyoung hummed, shifting to tuck his knees up against his chest as he wrapped his arms around them. He chewed his bottom lip nervously as his eyes darted down to the dark murky water, “So..?”

“So?”

“Now what?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know!” Taeyoung huffed exasperated , throwing his hands in the air, causing the water around the two of you to ripple. “Are we still just friends or....” He let his voice trail on, giving you a hopeful look, “Does this change everything?”

“I mean,” You spoke softly, feeling the heat rise to your face. Why was it all of a sudden so hard to talk to Taeyoung? You felt like you were choking on the words as you cleared your throat and meekly whispered, “I wouldn’t mind a change...”

Taeyoung nodded, smile slowly spreading across his face as he registered what you said. He turned to you, scooting a bit closer so that your shoulders touched and your faces were a few inches apart.

“I think I’d like that too.” He whispered, voice just barely audible as his eyes wandered your facial features. Without another word more, you slowly leaned in, giving him plenty of time to move away before you placed you lips against his.

You were felling so many things at this moment; joy, excitement, nervousness. But above all else, you felt right.

Being here with Taeyoung, kissing him and letting yourself love him just felt right. Like it was all falling into place and meant to be. You thought about your future with your best friend and how that was all going to change; but you had hope that it would be for the better.

—————————

A/N: In my Taeyoung vibes and I just didn’t have a way to finish it so please forgive a rushed ending. I love this man SOOO much !! Believe it or not, he’s actually my main man in Cravity, even though I haven’t posted about him lol. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed!!!

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tleeaves · 1 year ago

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Gush about your favourite TSC characters and ships! It's a free-for-all.

This is an incredibly sweet opportunity and now I'm sitting here trying to figure out who and what I want to talk about first. It's probably no secret or surprise that most of my favourites of anything in TSC come from the TLH series. See, with such open-ended gushing opportunities as this, actually, there are sooo many characters I want to talk about. I'm beginning to fear everyone's going to regret you calling this a free-for-all.

James Herondale is by far my favourite TSC character in existence, and I think about him and have talked about him (elsewhere, before I had any Tumblr blogs) the most. If you've read some of my longer fanfics at all, this likely hasn't come as a shock to you, but I love the guy, which is probably why I'm a little weird when it comes to others' posts about him (maybe Jane Austen was onto something when she said that if I loved someone less, I'd be able to talk about them more). We all come away from reading books with different takes on characters, and that's a perfectly normal phenomenon. Because I feel so deeply about James, I tend to dance around the topic of him unless I do agree with someone else's analysis or I have something substantial to say, and even then I tend to curb myself because I don't want to sound like a raving lunatic... and now I realise how long that sentence was. (I'm already a raving lunatic, aren't I?) Anyhow, this is an opportunity to gush, and gush I will (very extensively).

See, I've seen it going around the fandom that people dislike the characterisation of James or the way he was presented in earlier short stories pre-TLH publications and then post when some might argue he was a completely different person. Honourable mention to my fellow countryman, musician, and fanauthor, @faithfromanewperspective, who has some fascinating posts discussing the neurodivergence of the TLH cast, which help further explain their personalities and some of their characterisation across their written existence (seriously, go check out some of Silver's analysis posts, they're such wonderful and interesting reads). Similar to Silver, I like to observe the essentially four different Jameses that exist across the timeline of James Herondale's written existence.

We have the James from the Shadowhunter Academy era, James in The Midnight Heir set several months before the events of The Last Hours, and then, of course, who we have during TLH pre- and post-bracelet influence. I once embarked on a research rabbit warren when I hit a rough patch in fanfic writing where I was trying to decide how best to write James post-bracelet while still remaining as canon-compliant as possible, while also filling in the gaps I and other fans have been frustrated with in James' evolution, all before Chain of Thorns was released. I reread all the stories that involved James and constructed an approximate timeline where I explored the ways his personality was presented at various points. From there, I tried to make sense of him by connecting, essentially, these four Jameses.

James holds a number of insecurities and burdens that pretty much sealed the deal for me when I was reading about him the first time around (don't ask me to count how many times I've read about him overall). Similar to when I discussed the topic of Jem Carstairs and chronic illness (see here), I connected to James Herondale through the avenue of chronic conditions. Other content creators like to interpret characters through lenses of mental illness or disorders, for instance, which definitely have a wealth of analysis and discussion to offer. My go-to instead, I suppose, is chronic illness and relationship dynamics, and how that affects a person's character. I may have talked in part about this before somewhere on here, but I'm too lazy to comb through the James Herondale tag that exists on my fandom blog (@streettealee, where I'll also be reposting this ramble). Anyway, burdens and insecurities.

Goatface Herondale

The academy days were especially rough for many characters, but here I'm talking about James (obviously). He was around the age of 13 when he attended the Shadowhunter Academy (a year, give or take a bit, before Grace would ask him to retrieve her bracelet and wear it, and a little closer in time to when he went to Cirenworth and had scalding fever). We see that he was a rather shy kid, generally self-conscious as one tends to be when reaching teenage years especially, and also quite insecure.

He has a close relationship with his parents and also his sister. We know he's very protective of Lucie, and they were playmates, which naturally lends itself to bonding and frequent squabbles (take it from me, an eldest child with a younger sister born right as I became a toddler -- we were each other's only friends in many respects and we got into a lot of fights, yet I would do anything for my sister, even take ownership for her mistakes just because I didn't want her to suffer the consequences). The nature of his relationship with Lucie is something that does not change as the series progresses (it would have been interesting to see her reaction to him in TMH though). As for his parents: James is what my friends and I in primary school would have mockingly called "The Golden Child" (and not for his eyes, mind you), because he's not simply a mama's boy or father's boy. James is the dreaded combination of both, in which he is always trying to do right by them in some way, shape, or form, without much particular favour for one over the other. It wouldn't surprise me if Lucie was ever bitter about him being the oldest and something of a goody-two-shoes, or if James regarded it the other way with Lucie always getting away with everything because she's younger and so innocent-seeming (she definitely play-acted her way out of things as a child).

As has been examined by others already, James carries the burden of his parents' love (we'll get to more of this in the next section). Not only is he the miracle child of a Shadowhunter and a warlock, never seen before, he is also affected by the trauma Tessa carries as an outsider within the Enclave, and the concern she and Will have for him that borders on overbearing. We see in his academy era that he will not say goodbye to his father because he knows he cannot bear it and does not want to be seen as weak. We also see that he refuses to go home and or do anything that would reflect badly on his mother, because she is already alienated for being a warlock in Shadowhunter society. Furthermore, James is resentful of his father particularly at this time, because James is constantly being compared to him (again, we'll come back to this). He wishes Will Herondale were less than perfect so that James would be allowed to be who he is: less than perfect, a Nephilim child with demon blood.

As a kid, it can be difficult growing up in an environment where you are from two cultures, and everyone around you is constantly trying to get you to pick which you most are between them, instead of unifying them both as elements of your identity (this is from my personal experience). James has been an odd Shadowhunter for most of his life, up until the point at the academy where his warlock powers (thanks to Belial, yay) suddenly manifest. From that point on, where it is seen that some magical capability is possible, James is caught between two worlds. It was bad enough for him to have strange yellow-gold eyes ("Goatface Herondale") which he tried to hide by wearing his glasses more often than necessary, he then had to contend with a more noticeable, alienating feature of his demonic heritage, which drove away even the mundanes he had previously been befriending (outsiders to a particular majority tend to flock together, up to a certain point, as demonstrated).

So, there's that aspect of his shadow powers. When I read about James, I drew connections also with the earlier mentioned chronic illness view. His demonic heritage is not a condition, but his experience of their manifestation in uncontrollable and traumatising episodes of shadow magic are what I would call one. As if he were not insecure enough about not being extroverted enough to break out of his loneliness and enter social circles he's always skirted at the edges of, he is afflicted by a condition that betrays his body and will. This loss of control is difficult for anyone. It's easy to feel helpless, even after a diagnosis of something, because it is incurable and or unpredictable in nature. Self-loathing lends itself to those left vulnerable by such a violent change in their body's nature and their identity. There is a lot to be said about the labels given to us and the ones we assume. To James, this is just another way he is less than perfect, less than his father, a weakness to his mother and family, no longer on totally common ground with his sister, different from his peers, and his ability to tamp down this part of him and appear as some semblance of "normal" for Nephilim becomes tied with his self-esteem.

As a quick side note: it is my theory that James feels like an outsider among Downworld circles and that is why he has always been rather awkward around them. We see he does fine in The Devil Tavern when he gradually makes a second home of it, but there are other instances, such as a brief moment that lives rent-free in my head where, at his introduction in Chain of Gold, he walks past a vampire and avoids eye contact because "[unless Downworlders broke the law, it was none of his business what they did]" (I'm paraphrasing there) and I think there's been a bit of shame instilled in him. James is not wholly a Downworlder, and he is not wholly Nephilim, and because he was raised as a Shadowhunter and alienated anytime he was not quite resembling one, he does his best to try and follow Shadowhunter values and norms and further avoids some aspects of Downworld in some contexts, like when he's just come off a patrol.

Of course, good things come to James too at this time: Matthew finally manages to befriend him, and the two are both insecure people who find security in each other. He also leaves the Shadowhunter Academy, and Matthew declares he and James are going to be parabatai and must therefore stick together, which for James would feel pretty damn good -- not only because Matthew wants to share such a special connection with him, considering his demonic heritage and the inherent angelic ties the parabatai ceremony holds, but also because his father places a lot of stress on parabatai as one of the greatest forms of love that exists (again, we come to that burden of love idea) and so James, I believe, would find this an opportunity to live up to the expectations his parents hold.

AND ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: I THINK IT IS BRILLIANT THAT TLH IS BASED ON GREAT EXPECTATIONS I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD THE ENTIRE TLH CAST IS SADDLED WITH ALL THESE THINGS EXPECTED OF THEM FOR VARIOUS REASONS, I COULD GO ON ABOUT THIS FOREVER AND THE CONNECTIONS THEY HAVE TO THE ORIGINAL NOVEL BY DICKENS.

All that is to say: this first sort of version of James that we see is shy, insecure, sweet, generally well-intentioned, clever (he's funny and I didn't get time to try and go back to the book to pick up all the instances where he says something amusing, keep off), and reaches this first turning point of burden -- the burden of love and expectations, and of his heritage and abilities/condition. All of this has already brewed into a hero complex (it does not quite rival Cordelia's, but it's up there -- James really likes to handle things himself and on his own, and now it's got me thinking about Batman... anyway).

Helen of Troy

This boy had shining golden eyes, like a crystal glass filled brimful with crisp white wine and held up to catch the light of a blazing sun. If his skin was luminous, his eyes were radiant. Magnus could not imagine these eyes as tender. The boy was very, very lovely, but this was a beauty like that Helen of Troy might have had once, disaster written in every line. The light of his beauty made Magnus think of cities burning.

The Midnight Heir is perhaps the most contentious piece written about James, and I would like to point several things out before we proceed: Cassandra Clare wrote this (as well as Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy) with co-authors who, as far as I know, were not as heavily involved in TLH. Furthermore, this is from Magnus Bane's perspective, and he is known to dramatise just as much as the TLH cast themselves like to drape their lives in drama. Now, going forward...

This occurred before TLH and I have my practical writer theories as to why James wound up so different in TLH compared to TMH. Clare changed her mind about the story's trajectory, about who the main characters would be, what the romances would look like, who she wanted James Herondale to be. And this is where I have to admit, Clare as a writer -- like any other -- is flawed and has a history of inconsistencies. As frustrating as it can be, it happens, and so there is obviously the issue of "well who is the REAL James Herondale? What/who is canon?"

This brings me to my exercise in interpreting James: the different Jameses that exist and my way of uniting them all so that they do indeed make one coherent character who can have the mildness of his academy era, the wild intensity of his midnight era, and have all that remain consistent with who he is by The Last Hours (during and post bracelet).

As you may have gathered from the Goatface Herondale topic above, James' turning point at the academy was just the start of the disasters he was written for--disaster written in every line--which leads up to TMH or his Helen of Troy period. There are some interpretations that his wild and unruly behaviour was simply as it was presented to us: heartbreak taken to the extreme "because he's a Herondale and they love only but once blah blah bullshit blah" and heightened by the cursed bracelet he was wearing at the time (there is textual evidence he had it on him, and we are told Grace merely sent a letter that made him despair and things were quickly made up after). Then, such as done by Silver, there is the interpretation that James may be bipolar or have some other disorder in which he experiences manic episodes, which lead to the vast, seemingly inexhaustible energy he had that night in TMH where we first meet him as he's grown older and the complete mood swing that almost resembles an entire change in character (also look to the dialogue of his parents who say he never used to be like this, he was always so studious, so good, very mild and well-behaved, kept his parabatai in line and shared private jokes). This is where I would have really liked to know Lucie's view, because as his sister, she is more than likely to share a view that is different from the adults gathered (Magnus, Tessa, Will, and Jem), and I almost think she would say he's being dramatic and she doesn't know what got into him except he's still treating her all the same and then she'd just roll her eyes (I'm not saying she wouldn't be concerned, but just that she'd easily disguise it as a mockery of her brother doing dumb shit).

There is also something to be said about masking and "the Mask" that James dons. However, I do not know enough about this to comment much on it. I direct you once again to @faithfromanewperspective who I know has covered this topic in more detail. What I have to add around it (as someone with some form of undiagnosed neurodivergence, but leaning toward ADHD and C-PTSD (I do not yet have the funds or ability to seek professional opinions)) is that this is plausible, and yet not my first thought when I'm considering the totality of James and how we can unite the different stages of his timeline. I say this because I experience bursts and lulls of certain behaviours, and so far I do not have anything concrete to attribute it to, and it may sound stupid, but I have found (in my experience) that sometimes we lose our inhibitions as a result of extreme emotions in difficult circumstances. Who I am when I am at home is different to who I am in the classroom and different again to who I am when I've been drinking alcohol and who I am when I'm wandering the streets of a city late at night (always with friends, notably, because I don't feel safe enough to wander alone at night as a woman). Sometimes, I do not even need a drink in me to loosen up certain aspects of my mentality, but a few hours of sleep deprivation (sort of a lie, I'm almost always sleep deprived and it's yet another chronic issue I'm working on since it affects other areas of my health). I believe I am a product of my environment in many ways. And so is James.

There is some merit to the original idea that James has been ensconced in such profound love his whole life, that when his love life goes wrong and is not at all like the beautiful fairytale he resents his parents for having and pushing on him, it destroys him inside. Admittedly, I'd say this would have greater impact and would be a much more compelling narrative if the bracelet was not cursed and James was allowed to break the dumb Herondale myth of loving once (furthering that alienation but ultimately providing him liberation). But even with the bracelet: James believes himself in love, believes he is damned because he is demonic and nothing good can ever become of him or anything he wants in life, he is going to always get the short end of the stick because the expectations placed on him are too great, and he has received a devastating letter as a hormonal teenager with access to an entire city to terrorise and alcoholic drinks to consume. I'd say it's not far-fetched to assume he was just incredibly drunk and heartbroken that night, and was simply embracing the drama that teenagers lean toward.

It is, though, the sheer cruelness that James demonstrates in front of Magnus that pokes a hole in this framework. The James we knew previously, and even the James we see in TLH, is not who you would call cruel. So where did this come from? Was it his resentment against Downworld rising to the surface, an extension of his insecurities raging inside him? Rebelliousness against his parents? If he embraces chaos and cruelty and vice, can he convince himself he is merely being who he was always meant to be, as someone who is part demon? (Sound familiar to anyone? *cough* Jace Herondale *cough*) Was he as drunk as Magnus thought he was? Was James, in reality, experiencing some sort of manic high where he could be wickedly precise with a gun and still be entirely out of his typical character?

I have no definite answer, except that I urge you to reflect inward. Have we not all at least once experienced a time where we "have not acted ourselves"? Where, for one reason or another, we shed our usual attitudes and embraced a different side of ourselves that only seems out of character because others around us do not know us as we know ourselves? I know I have. I know I can be cruel and nasty when I let go of care, and that a part of me believes sometimes that it is my truest nature because of what some people drilled into me for many impressionable years. That sometimes it is a form of self-harm, because I can still feel empathy and I know what I am doing is hurting someone else, and it hurts me too because I am so aware of it and the whole vicious mental cycle goes on. I know that if I simply stay up long enough at night, I indulge in reckless behaviours and say whatever comes to my mind with little to no filter. I know that I can have periods of energy fueled by recklessness, by some social interactions, by many other factors, and can lead to be attempting to perform feats I typically would not.

James trying to make love to a lamppost and a dog and what have you? That I could attribute to drinking or sleep deprivation. It could just as easily be something else, but I will stand by the fact that this is not out of the ordinary when one is in an extraordinary sort of mental state. I also believe Clare's intentions when writing that was more for humour than anything.

Returning to my earlier point, I do believe James might have been cruel in TMH because he simply could be, because he is unloveable (in his mind), demonic, and for that period of time, dreadfully tired of how hard he had to try to be someone everyone believed he was not. And perhaps because this rebellion, this reckless behaviour, as chaotic as it appears, is actually his form of taking control over his life and his image. If he acts the part of a wild, half-warlock, if he embraces wickedness, he is in control of that and no comments or misfortune that might be attributed to it are as bad in his mind. To him, under the curse, Grace is perfect and he's just Ken James, barely a Herondale. This night in TMH that catches glimpse of his character as of late is actually just the snowball effect of his insecurities that we already saw in the academy.

So, how does that connect to the Jameses of TLH?

Barely a Herondale

Let's revisit my favourite topics of chronic illness and control. We see by TMH, and with context provided in Chain of Gold, that James had begun to master his shadow abilities, so that they became actual abilities and not just a condition that he was struggling with. In a way, I see it as a remission. James has developed this precious view of control because of this, I would argue, and we see him grapple with control and his insecurities in TLH more. When we open the series with Chain of Gold and we see James enter the shadow realm against his will in the middle of a fight, there is a deep sense of body betrayal, I find when reading. I feel for James when his friends go "I thought that had stopped happening/all that rubbish was over" and he goes "me too". I cannot count the times in my life when I genuinely thought my health troubles were over, that the rollercoaster was only going up, just to have a horrible shock when suddenly my body gives out on me and I am plunged for months into chronic pain and illness all over again for usually unclear reasons. I have no cure, just as James doesn't. We simply have methods of managing our respective conditions, if that makes sense. It is a constant fight for control over ourselves. There have been times where I will not tell a single person that my symptoms of something have come back, simply because I am exhausted and I already know the drill of management techniques I'll have to employ myself.

James reaches for his knife, for the pain to bring him back. He contacts Jem because he's worried and has no idea what's going on or why it happened. I am so, so obsessed with this. I can't stress enough how much I relate to his whole shadow dilemma from a perspective of chronic illness. I am shaking you, reader. Please understand. I don't care how flawed this guy is or the fact that Clare might not have intended this interpretation, this is my form of projection like everyone else has theirs and it is so comforting to me, as someone who also struggles to feel in control of my own body, who exerts control over other things in other ways just to cope.

This is one line of consistency I draw from Goatface to Helen of Troy to the James of TLH. Now, moving on...

We see that in TMH that Will and Tessa have been trying to get through to James for ages to try and coax out of him what his problems are and why he is acting out. I discussed this once with an old writing partner, how when the Herondales learned of the Carstairs coming to London to save their reputation and required their help, that Will and Tessa likely approached James and demanded he be on his best behaviour so that they can help the Carstairs. For if the Herondales tried to help while James himself was out ruining his reputation, then the Carstairs would surely be doomed.

And so, we have the image of The Perfect Gentleman™ developed over the next few months ready for the arrival of Sona, Cordelia, and Alastair Carstairs in London. This coincides with the fact that over the summer (after the winter period when he had his wild streak and the spring when he would have been getting his heart and act together) he did not go to Idris to see Grace for the first time in years and the bracelet's hold on him was weakening significantly, which I believe, would mean less of the heightened hurt and insecurity surrounding the topic of love for at least a little while, because he would simply care about Grace (in a romantic sense) less. Who knows? Perhaps becoming the model gentleman was his form of revenge against Tatiana and others, because if he conforms and commits heavily to Shadowhunter society and the rules of propriety, then he cannot be faulted for his heritage so easily by that point. Plus, this is much easier to follow when he thinks he has total control over his shadow abilities at that point in time. For about six months, he can simply put it out of his mind (and get extra weird about interacting with Downworld and how he feels about it. This also brings me to a side tangent about how I think his interest in the occult is the little demon/magic intrigue he allows himself in private where only his friends are likely to be aware of the books he keeps. He says, if I recall correctly, at some point that he finds it fascinating what mundanes think of magic and how close or far they are from it sometimes, and I propose there's like this secret third thing to it about how he likes looking at magic and demonology from the perspective of a third party -- someone who is not Nephilim or of Downworlder origin, because it is the closest kinship he might find).

Also, let's not forget how much people in real life, let alone characters, can change over a period of time, much less several months to a year. I truly do not think his character is as inconsistent between books as it is made out to be. I think the real issue is that Clare left out elements of context that would have helped when characterising James and his journey, hashing out who he is and who he is not. I think another blog brought it up once, how TLH should have been multiple books and not just a trilogy. I agree, I think the dense character work would have benefitted from being more spaced out, particularly when exploring the bracelet in regard to James. Because the James after Chain of Gold especially feels rather like a blank slate that Cordelia is usually projecting upon. Which is valid. I have another theory about this, where the reason James was suddenly the It Guy at social gatherings was because he had "cleaned up his act" in the recent year and the bracelet meant that he was a blank canvas for the girls of the Enclave to project their desires onto. Perhaps it's an allosexual thing, but I know of myself and many others who tend to form crushes on people we know next to nothing about simply because they're beautiful and we make things up in our head based on what little knowledge we have, and the gaps are filled to suit. In Chain of Gold, it felt very purposeful, and the changes between James while wearing the bracelet as opposed to without was much more noticeable.

Genuinely, I think Clare dropped the ball once she got to Chain of Iron, and then dropped even further when writing Chain of Thorns. But still, for the sake of outlining the consistencies of James' character rather than the flaws, we'll ignore my personal frustration with those books and continue on.

We still see his insecurities manifest in various ways throughout TLH. Before we get to that, I'd like to point out that James remains clever throughout this series, always introverted even if he knows how to navigate social situations better now, forever a bookworm, loyal, but no longer so much of a people-pleaser as he seems much more prepared to be an adversary in any given situation as well as embrace rebellion, which I think gets overlooked a lot (do you see how quickly he goes "lock up your daughters and your greenhouses, James Herondale is on the loose and has a penchant for property damage etc." after getting in trouble in Chiswick? I swear, this guy had my heart in a chokehold). LIKE. CAN YOU NOT SEE IT? The way he is still the same guy we saw in TMH? His personality did not change so drastically that he is someone else -- it's still him! He's still there! He's just evolved over the months! And here we are, this is one such place where his insecurities are still pronounced, but in such a way where he tries to own it, to control it, once again.

And in spite of all the Herondale traits James definitely carries, he is still not the typical Herondale like Will and Jace or even some of the others we've seen. James is also Tessa and her trauma and Jem and his teachings and his father and his legacy, and he is influenced by disaster (hello? He was thirteen when he saw another dead kid? Got diagnosed with Greater-demon-for-a-grandfather? Has been brainwashed since fourteen?).

Remember how ready he was to believe he was a murderer? That's his insecurity and history talking. These horrible nightmares he's been having too. James tried so hard to be a hero, and yet he believes he inevitably ends up being someone against the heroes. He is surprised when Cordelia says he's the leader of the group because that's not how he sees himself. And this is what I find so fascinating about James. There's how other people see him, and many people see him differently, and then there's how he sees himself. (I will note that I find the idea of the Merry Thieves having any sort of leader laughable. I truly feel that's not how their group dynamic works. It felt like an excuse for Cordelia to fawn over him (as you do when you have a crush on someone) and have that weird shoe-horned on-the-nose moment where James goes to comfort Thomas and waves the others over when Barbara dies).

Most of what I have to talk about admittedly deals more with Chain of Gold, simply because kind of got lost between Chain of Iron and Chain of Thorns. He's still there, and I still see the strings of his personality, I think Clare just let some of his key character issues fade into the background. Also, I still only read Chain of Thorns once. I haven't been motivated to pick that one back up.

One thing I do like about Chain of Thorns though is that James was allowed to be the bad guy, even if it was via being a puppet for Belial. There was something almost cathartic about him crowning himself King of England. He didn't save the day; Cordelia did. James was merely fulfilling a prophecy he had made for himself.

Also, we don't get to see much of James without the bracelet. I think he's still trying to figure out who he is now that the curse is gone, then after Belial is gone and so are the main aspects of his warlock abilities. James has to redefine himself beyond many of the securities he held (so fucking mad that the "technically I did only love once because it was always Cordelia under the curse 🤪" happened because it would have made more sense for James to also break through that insecurity, but whatever).

In conclusion... um, this guy's just neat? I think he's beyond interesting. People who say he's boring and blank, I hear you, I just can't say I totally agree with you. He's my favourite character. I'll make all the excuses. I just wrote this to try and defeat the idea that his personality is inconsistent because I think it can be argued that it actually is not when you consider, well, all of the above. Anyway, I spent almost the whole day writing this. Whoops.

My other favourite characters are Matthew Fairchild, Cordelia Carstairs, Jem Carstairs, Magnus Bane, and Ragnor Fell. Love them all so much. I love a great many characters but these ones most of all.

Ships? Look, as much as I will criticise it and absolutely agree with other critiques of them, I love Jordelia. I project on and relate to both characters, what do you want from me. Also, I keep saying I have no faith in TWP and that I will not be actively seeking it out but... I do like Kit and Ty. Sue me. The drama is so delicious. For ages though, I've been wanting an equally juicy lesbian ship, I feel like the ones we have just... aren't it. You know? I think there was a missed opportunity in making Cordelia bisexual and a girl crush for Grace. OH BUT I ALSO LOVE GRACE AND LUCIE. SHUT UP, SHUT UP, I LOVE THEM. THEIR DYNAMIC COULD HAVE BEEN BRILLIANT.

Anyway, The End. That was a very long gush.

#james herondale #the last hours #tlh #tales from the shadowhunter academy #the midnight heir #tmh #herondale #character analysis #I have now thoroughly exposed myself and the amount of brainrot I experience over james herondale #a character who many share many complaints about #and complicated views #WARNING: very long post #this was an oddly healing exercise #I should ramble endlessly about things I love more often

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