#Comedy Central Roasts

[giveamadeuschohisownmovie]

(1) “Not gonna lie, when it was revealed you were the new Jigsaw, my reaction was, ‘the background detective, well that’s fucking random’.”

(2) “All this time, I thought you were John’s successor. But Logan and Gordon were there the whole time lol.”

[screamingeyepress]

📸 Meet Frank Santopadre! From his early days in Queens to co-hosting the popular “Gilbert Gottfried’s Amazing Colossal Podcast,” his journey is filled with amazing stories. Swipe to see some highlights from our interview! 🎙️✨ https://www.screamingeyepress.com/interviews/frank-santopadre/

[cruger2984]

I am not here to roast everyone at Fontaine. I'm here to fuck Neuvillette.

Wriothesley

[dig-jules]

no thoughts just Betty White during the roasting of William Shatner

LIVE RENE AUBERJONOIS REACTION

[versacethotty]

these reads??? why did vanjie unload the clip like that 😭💀???

[lightgaswaterelectricityrent]

it is somewhat satisfying to think that Henry VIII has been completely overshadowed in history by literally everyone he wronged and also that the son he was so obsessed with is basically forgotten entirely (and would be even more if not for the woman HE set up to fail)

[alinahdee]

No but for real if Swifties actually thought that a Comedy Central roast actually meant "They're going to catch Taylor Swift on fire" I will never be able to stop laughing you bitches are so stupid XD

[monstrousgourmandizingcats]

"Name and shame"? Don't you ship Shaunajackie too?

I do, very much so, but Cristabel would be the Shaunajackie version of that toxic-ship enjoyer who seems worryingly genuine about thinking it's relationship goals. (M-- would either refuse to see this as a red flag or ignore it entirely. Love wins <3) Lyctorhood is exactly the sort of concept someone informed by that attitude would come up with.

[incorrect-idolmastersidem-quotes]

[High School Homecoming] Shiki: And now it's time to bring up the man of the hour, please welcome, the piano genius of High×Joker and Queen of Spades - JUN FUYUMI!! Audience: (cheers and applause) Shiki: (sees Jun drinks a mug of milk) CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! Audience: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! Jun: (proceeds to drink another mug of milk) Audience: (rhythmic clapping) (glass shattering) Audience: (cheers and applause) Jun: (intensely bitchslaps Shiki) Audience: (exclaiming and laughing) Jun: BITCH! Shiki: I was kidding! I was kidding, ow! Jun: BITCH!! Shiki: Ow! Ow! Jun: FUCK YOU! Shiki: I wanna coupon to your goddamn psychiatrist! Jun: Oh yeah, shut up!

[devildmeggs]

HOTD SPOILERS!!

.

oscar tully hosting the comedy central roast of daemon targaryen further proves my theory that middle schoolers will always be the funniest demographic no matter what generation

[bitter69uk]

Believe it or not, I got sucked into watching the new Netflix documentary about Martha Stewart. My memory about her saga was hazy, especially the legal insider trading scandal. Considering Stewart herself participated, the doc was surprisingly, frankly "warts and all.” (Having said that, the filmmakers let Martha freely disparage her ex-husband and ex-boyfriend of fifteen years, but I was thinking, I would be curious to hear THEIR side of the story, too!). Who Stewart ultimately reminded me of was Betty Draper from Mad Men (imagine frosty impeccable obsessed-with-appearances “Betts” rising to the top as a powerful CEO). Stewart was clearly a blunt, no-nonsense business genius. It raised interesting questions about why we expect her to also be "likable", “humble” and "relatable" too. (I wouldn't want to be on her staff, mind you). Her stint in prison clearly made Stewart a better person. And I completely forgot about her doing the Comedy Central roast for Justin Bieber. Who knew she was so funny – and filthy? Anyway, last night YouTube “recommended" to me an ancient clip of David Letterman reflecting on the 2003 made-for-TV biopic Martha Inc: The Story of Martha Stewart starring the perfectly cast Cybill Shepherd (pictured). Letterman showed little snippets from it (mostly of Stewart berating underlings) to roars of laughter. The highlight: Martha drives up to a woman jogging (an employee who’s having an affair with Stewart’s husband) and screams "Hey, slut! I'm writing your mother a letter telling her you're a whore!” and speeds away. It’s an outrageously campy moment worthy of John Waters and Mink Stole and Shepherd NAILS it. (If Kathleen Turner had been unavailable for Serial Mom (1994), Shepherd would have been a viable alternative for Beverly Sutphin). So, imagine my heartbreak to discover Martha Inc isn’t streaming anywhere in the UK! Not even a grainy pixelated version on YouTube. It’s a hate crime!

[cruger2984]

Kaveh: And now it's time to bring up the man of the hour, please welcome, the scribe of the Akademiya - ALHAITHAM!!! Audience: (cheers and applause) Kaveh: (sees Alhaitham drinks a glass of water) CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! Audience: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! Alhaitham: (proceeds to drink another round of water) Audience: (rhythmic clapping) (glass shattering) Audience: (cheers and applause) Alhaitham: (intensely bitchslaps Kaveh with a book) Audience: (exclaiming and laughing) Alhaitham: Bitch. Kaveh: I was kidding! I was kidding, ow! Alhaitham: BITCH!! Kaveh: Ow! Ow! Alhaitham: FUCK YOU! Kaveh: I wanna coupon to your goddamn plastic surgeon! Alhaitham: Oh yeah, shut up!

[kaijuno]

Comedy Central roasts were wholesome in that the roastee was like “yeah I suck sometimes let’s make some jokes about it”

[giveamadeuschohisownmovie]

(1) “The anime tried to hide this, but I remember. You didn’t really take kindly to your death when you were pathetically begging Ryuk for mercy in the manga, didn’t you?”

(2) “Hey Light, word of advice. Before announcing your victory, maybe make sure the people you’re killing are actually dying first?”

(3) “So according to you, in order to be a god, I just need to become a mass murderer? I don’t think that’s what you should’ve taken away from the Old Testament, bro.”

[knoxvillesjackass]

I’m thinking of them doing a Jackass special like “the roast of Johnny Knoxville” and it’s reader’s turn to go up and roast and Johnny can’t help but get turned on hearing her rip him apart, like he didn’t realise he was into it - so of course they have to fuck

𝐢 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐝𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞

i kinda made the reader a big tease in this, cause i thought it would be funny! hope you enjoy!

You were anything but ready, it felt like. Your hands were shaking and you had anxiously begun drawing doodles on your speech notes, which you'd come to regret later.

You could hear Wee-Man going at it, and the audience was clearly enjoying it, fits of laughter audible, even backstage.

As Comedy Central often did, a roast was being held to honour a celebrity. Johnny had been chosen as the celeb, and his jackass friends, other colleagues, and you, of course, were in the lineup to do a roast speech dedicated to Johnny.

You'd worked long and hard to make the speech make sense, and even after sleepless nights of worrying, you still weren't sure about the quality of the speech

All of the jackass guys and his other comedian friends were naturals at it, the whole public-speaking thing, but it frightened you.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we'll have a short commercial break and the next person to do a speech will be none other than Y/N, Johnny's wife!"

You were practically shitting bricks, and Johnny could tell when he walked backstage.

"Hey, baby," he smiled and approached you with a smile, which quickly dropped when he saw the state you were in.

"What's wrong, baby? Talk to me," Johnny said and cupped your face. "Can we sit down somewhere?" You sighed and Johnny nodded.

He grabbed your hand and led you into a small room with some chairs and a table.

Johnny sat down on the chair and patted his lab, signalling for you to come and sit, which you did.

You threw your legs over his and cuddled into his body, your long silky dress sliding across the floor.

"Talk to me, hmm?" Johnny hummed and planted a long-lasting kiss on your forehead.

"I'm so nervous, I hate talking in front of this many people," you sighed and hid your face in the crook of his neck.

"I know you do, but you know me better than anyone else. You can always make up some shit, and I'll be the only person to know if it's right or wrong," Johnny comforted you and you smiled.

Johnny looked amazing. With his nicely tailored suit, not to mention the red converse. He looked great, and you were only really realising it at that moment.

"You look hot, PJ," you smiled and bit your lip.

No, no, no. Please don't, out of all times, make this the time for you to get randomly horny, you thought.

But you couldn't help it. Your husband looked so good and maybe it could be good for your nerves.

"Don't start with it now, Y/N," Johnny warned you.

You shrugged innocently and smiled, "what?"

"You know what, and it can't happen here or now," Johnny said and tried to gently push you off his lap, but you repositioned yourself even closer to his crotch.

"For my nerves," you pouted and batted your eyelashes. Johnny threw his head back and sighed. "You know I can't say no when you do tha-"

Your faces were so close and with one, you broke the space by connecting your lips with Johnny's.

He moaned into the kiss, knowing as well as you, that there was not much time left before the commercial break would end. But he didn't pull away, and when you started straddling the fine fabric over his cock, he pulled you in and began kissing you back passionately.

"Mmmh, you look so fucking good, doll," Johnny commented and let his hands wander around your body, which he loved so much.

"Can you please fuck me, hard?" You asked Johnny, who broke the kiss when, conveniently, a production manager yelled from the hallway.

"Five minutes left, people! Knoxville, where are you?"

"Obviously, I can't," Johnny grumbled and you whined like a little child, slightly jumping up and down in his lap, only increasing the boner that was starting to form. "But, Jooohnnyy," you pleaded and kissed his cheek, beginning to undo his tie, but Johnny finally got a hold of himself.

He grabbed you and lifted you from his lap, standing up and looking down, a massive boner clearly poking out in his pants.

You giggled but covered your mouth when Johnny glared at you.

"Congratulations, babe. Now I have to go on national television with a boner," he said, genuinely irritated at you, and the situation as a whole.

If he had a choice, he would pin you against a wall and fuck the living daylights out of you, but the production manager's yells only became louder and more desperate.

"PJ, I'm sorry," you giggled and tried to wrap your arms around his neck, but he stepped away and pushed you slightly.

"Don't touch me right now, Y/N," Johnny warned you. He knew that any physical touch from you, would only make his lust even worse, and he couldn't hide his crotch in any way.

You put your hands up in defence and tried your very best not to laugh,

"Johnny Knoxville!" The production manager yelled again, this time flinging the door open to the room.

"You're both on in two minutes," he ushered you both out of the room and backstage, where you got your microphones fixed.

"After the show, you're fucking in for it," Johnny hissed through gritted teeth and you smiled excitedly.

"I can't wait!" You said as Johnny walked on stage and the crowd began cheering.

Funnily enough, your nerves were practically gone, but it seemed that Johnny was more nervous than you now.

-

“Dating Johnny is like dating Irving Zisman. He’s a terrible dancer, loves beer and likes for things to be thrown under the bridge,” you said and the room erupted in laughter.

You had been shredding him to pieces for minutes. Every word poured out of your mouth and flew into the large room, filling it with laughter.

Johnny laughed, although an ounce of bitterness hung in his smile.

You were the last one to speak, of course. You were the most important person in Johnny’s life, and it only seemed right to put you last as a way of ending the whole show with a bang.

"Right before this show, Johnny and I had some fun backstage-"

People started cheering but fear slowly spread across Johnny's face

"But we all know that Johnny can only get it up when he's either within a mile's radius of a bull or when his friends are talking dirty to him, so-"

Everyone laughed, but Johnny gave you a warning look and shook his head lightly.

"We, tonight, have the possibility to use one of our newest inventions. The boner radar!" You said, improvising completely. "That was, of course, a joke," you giggled along with everyone.

“Baby, Johnny, you’re the butter to my bread and the top to my bottom…Or the other way around?” You winked at the crowd and chuckled.

"My dear jackass, I love you every day and despite the bulls and the crocodiles and the skateboards, I'm still proud of you every day."

That concluded your speech and you bowed quickly to the crowd before hurrying towards Johnny. He kept on sitting down and only stood up when you were in front of him and hid his still very apparent erection from the audience.

"Did I do okay?" You asked and kissed his cheek softly.

"If I wasn't fucking pissed at you, I would say you killed it," Johnny mumbled, bitter-sweet as he hugged you back.

"That's alright by me," you shrugged and clapped along with everyone else as the show had come to an end.

-

Talking to Steve-O was never a disappointment for you, and standing backstage, you laughed out loud as he told crazy tales of his times with the Wildboyz crew.

Everyone was enjoying some drinks, all close friends of Johnny's gathered.

"Have you seen Johnny, actually?" You asked Steve-O when you looked around and realised that Johnny was nowhere to be seen.

"Nah, I haven't," Steve-O said, only just reaching the highlight of his story. "I think, that I'm actually gonna go to the toilet. Excuse me," you smiled at Steve-O, who pouted and waved you goodbye.

You then began your journey of trying to find Johnny. You looked outside, in the smoker's lounge and the bar, but the man had simply disappeared. That was until you reached the men's toilets.

You heard some noises, moaning noises and immediately identified them as moans of Johnny.

You walked in and looked at the stall doors, finally finding the one.

It was clear that he was jerking off, no doubt. His low grunts and the occasional high-pitched whimper made it very clear.

"Johnny?" You asked and knocked on the door, an elated sigh coming from inside the stall as the door was unlocked and pushed open.

Johnny sat on the toilet, his hard cock in his hand, and a hopeless expression on his face.

"Listen, doll, you need to help me now, okay?"

Johnny's voice was desperate and for once in forever, you felt like you had control.

"With what, Johnny?" You asked and smiled, very aware of what he needed help with.

"Quit being a smartass, yeah?"

His tone made you uncomfortable because he was genuinely really pissed at you and you were starting to feel bad.

"You'll help me now, and I won't hear any complaints of any sort from you, understood?" Johnny asked. You couldn't really do anything else than just nod and gulp.

"Good girl, get on your knees," Johnny ordered you and so you did. He sat on the toilet seat still and grabbed your wavy locks, assembling them into a low bun at the back of your head, tying it up with a hair tie from his pocket, that he always kept exactly for this situation.

You rested your elbows on his knees and grabbed a hold of his hard cock.

The tip was angry red and the shaft was veiny and thick.

You began pumping very softly and indeed slowly, focusing on Johnny's face.

He suddenly opened his eyes and cupped your face harshly. "Don't even think about it right now," he warned you and you hid a smile.

He was so desperate, so frustrated and needy, it was almost comedic to watch.

You did feel bad, so you sped up your movements, Johnny huffing out a breath as your pumps become quicker and more advanced.

Johnny moaned and grasped your hair harshly, finally feeling the sweet release he'd been craving for hours.

You brought your lips down to the tip and rubbed your spit as lubrication, all over his shaft.

Johnny's skin was hot to the touch and droplets of sweat were forming on his forehead. He bit down on his lower lip and whimpered softly.

You ran your tongue over the tip before taking him fully in your mouth. Johnny sucked in a few sharp breaths and rubbed your cheek.

Using your hand to stroke what your mouth can't reach as your head bops up and down, tracing the veins of his shaft while doing so.

Your pace quickened and it did not take much for Johnny to climax as his hips stuttered and his thighs flexed under your touch. He became a babbling mess, whispering all types of praise for you as you swallowed his load.

You got up from your crouched position, standing up while Johnny stayed in his sitting position.

You smirked and slowly removed the thin straps of your long dress, letting it slide off your body and fall on the floor. You stood in only your panties and high heels, and Johnny let out a small wow as he looked your body up and down.

You smirked and grabbed Johnny's hands, leading them to your lacy underwear, signalling for him to pull them down, which he did hastily,

Johnny bit his lip and looked down at your cunt, sliding a warm hand between your thighs, massaging your slit with two fingers.

He made sure to look at you the whole time, focusing on your expressions.

You grabbed a hold of Johnny's shoulders for balance as you closed your eyes and whimpered loudly when Johnny's slid two fingers into your already wet opening.

With great self-control and the need for Johnny's cock inside of you, you grabbed Johnny's hand and removed it from your cunt, lowering yourself down on his lap, his cock at your opening.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and whimpered into the crook of his neck as he lowered you down his shaft.

You began to bounce, although there was a slightly painful sensation, the size of his cock never seizing to surprise you.

Johnny was deep, deep inside of you and his hands on your hips only made it better as he forced you down deeper than you ever could go,

"You're so fucking tight, my baby," Johnny groaned and planted his head against your breasts. Your moans echoed through the toilets, but you didn't care.

Johnny's cock twitched with every sound of your moan and he was getting close.

You pulled back a bit, looking down at him as his climax thundered over his entire body. Johnny's chest was heaving heavily and his abdomen was tightening exceptionally hard as he gulps for air.

“God, you’re so fucking good to me," Johnny groaned as he continued to help you near your climax, which you reached soon after.

You were practically shaking on top of him, throwing your head back and arching your back, a series of loud moans and whimpers leaving your lips. Johnny watched you with pride and kissed your neck softly.

"Don't ever give me a hard-on right before going on television ever again, okay?" Johnny asked although it was definitely an order.

"I'll try," you winked and pulled up your dress, leaving Johnny with a sense of relief for once that day.