#Cla minus

[ooc-piat]

Snedrick: "I think I got an idea how we might distract Greg." Cla: "Okay…does it involve snogsbane?" Snedrick: "…it involves snogsbane."

[thedarkrose17]

The guy with the glasses with Prompto is Vash the Stampede! He's a legend in the anime community, and this design is from the new series Trigun Stampede. Highly recommend!

Ooh I feel like I've heard of trigun before. Was it originally an old anime or am I being stupid here? Could have sworn it was an older anime

If it is and this is continuing on from it I'd probably be in the dark honestly😅 a dair few of the classics folks like I've probably never watched

[jasmine-the-fox]

Did she lie?

Okay, so... A29Z01 wrote this... for Halloween! And I hope you all... I wish i had art for this but I suck!!!

Enjoy the spooks!

WARNING!!! MIGHT BE A BIT GORY BUT THIS IS FOR HALLOWEEN SO YOU ARE WARNED!!!

Marinette sighed as she once more heard Alya and Lila gossiping about another lie Lila made. They had gotten into a subway train together much to her frustration but Mari simply did her best to tune them out until she can get off without them following her with Lila claiming something about Mari stalking her and knowing where they were going.

At one point, Mari notices something… “Writing contest?” she read the advertisement with curiosity… which led to Lila joining her “Oh a writing contest! Thinking of signing up Mari? You knew I know great and famous writers and helped some a number of times! I can get you in contact with some of them or help you if you’d like?” she offered but it pissed her off.

The second the train stopped she got up, bumped into Lila and glared at her “Only my FRIENDS call me Mari” before walking out as Alya rushed to Lila’s side “Your terrible Marinette!” she shouted but either Mari didn’t hear her or simply didn’t care, Lila was just about to cry and claim that Mari had badly injured her when she noticed something…

Right where Marinette had been sitting “What is that?” she quietly asked herself before moving closer to the seat while Alya was distracted with doing something on her phone. Lila was hoping it was something important to Mari that she could claim as her own and that Mari was claiming as her’s to steal and smiled as she picked it up.

It was… a manuscript… one that would change her life forever…

As she reads it, Lila began to hate it but… she thought it was familiar to her, but it simply made her certain that Marinette wrote it as she slipped it in her bag and went towards Alya to distract her. She looked up to the advertisement for the contest and decided to submit this manuscript as her own… then when Marinette finds out Lila will either cry that she was lying or force her to agree that she helped Lila to write it.

A few days go by when Lila get’s a call “Hello miss Rossi. I am calling to inform you that you have won the writing competition. To receive your award, you will receive via text an address. Please dress for the occasion for tonight” she was told before she hung up. With a smile she informed the class who minus Mari and Chloe cheered for her.

That night, Lila heads to an old theater where she would receive her award. To her surprise, she finds that all of the guests were wearing golden masks, she found it odd but decided to not pay any heed to it and tried to enjoy herself… but as time went on, she began to check the time… because the guests were oddly speaking about incidents, she knew very well about… because she made them happen.

“I heard about a girl who swallowed razor blades! Not only did she lose her ability to sing but she then hung herself!” one guest said which made Lila feel a chill go up her spine… because that girl only ate them because she forced her to before hanging her so she couldn’t tell anyone what she did. That girl was from Italy and as time went on…

She began to just want to leave and forget about her award…

Then… at long last, Lila was called onto the stage for her award. She smiled as she walked onto the stage as the guests applauded her. With the award in hand, Lila began to spin lies about the inspiration behind the story that gained her the award. To her surprise, the guests began to ask about the manuscript, the details, the scenario, the location and the characters, she tried to answer when the announcer spoke “Why don’t we talk about the author… Ricardo Arnando?” he asked which made her eyes widen.

Ricardo was a talented writer, he won many contests back in Italy which angered her… so Lila began to report that his stories were stolen to remove him from contests… and when he found out she simply pushed him off a construction site and claimed it as a suicide… while stealing a few of his stories before his parents could notice while they salvaged his reputation.

Now she understood why it looked familiar… it wasn’t Marinette who wrote it… it was Ricardo…

She quickly tried to lie and claim she wrote it… but guests began to call her out and revealed her past… one by one her actions were revealed which scared and angered her “THEN SHOW ME PROOF!!!” she shouted at the guests… and to her horror, they removed their masks… revealing them all to be her late victims.

All of the ghosts of the people whose life ended because of her were here “It’s my word against yours” they slowly chanted together, the very words she would say to anyone who tried to reveal her and perished in the end. She tried to leave but to her shock she was grabbed by strange shadowy hands, they began to pull her back towards where they came from… a dark dept of darkness.

She cried out for help, she quickly reaches out for the announcer in the hopes he would save her… but then he too removes his mask… and reveals himself as Ricardo “It’s my word against yours” he said just like the others were doing. She slowly gets pulled into the depts as she screams “I didn’t lie!” over and over again until the hands take her away… leaving the old theater in silence.

A few days later, police begin a search for Lila who was reported missing by her mother and the school as she wasn’t seen, but as time goes by, police collect body parts around Paris with papers and recordings of the truth about Lila and her crimes. Once a body is made from the parts… it get’s confirmed that it’s Lila Rossi, a funeral happens and with time the class minus Marinette and Chloe begin to suffer from bad luck and nightmares.

Years later, Marinette is in her studio. She has become a famous designer while her old classmates never got to live their dreams, some have contacted her in the hopes she could connect them with someone who can help them or send them some money but she simply ignores them.

One day she receives a strange email “Subject: Thank you for being the strongest and most determined of all? Weird” she said after reading the subject. She sees that the sender is letters and numbers and believes it’s her old classmates trying to get help from her once more, so she simply deletes the email without reading it, Tikki did look at the email even after it was deleted but once Mari calls for her, she follows her holder and leaves the room as the computer gets turned off.

But then… moments after the designer and kwami left… the computer turns back on…

Word office opens and a story much like what happened to Lila is typed out, then an email pops up and a folder is opened from it. It was a photo of Lila bloody and being torn apart not just limb from limb but flesh from flesh as she was missing an eye, multiple eyes were staring at her as an audio clip plays with laughter clear in the background as the sound of blood, tearing flesh and Lila’s screams “I DIDN’T LIE!!” is clearly heard… and then the screen goes black once more.

Marinette never saw any of that when she turned her computer on the next day. People do still wonder who killed Lila and revealed her crimes to Paris but no one dares to look into it out of fear. Because when police found Lila’s head… her mouth even though was stitched at the ends of her lips as if she was smiling… it was wide open like she died while still screaming… even without her eyes, teeth, tongue or hair…

[hockeynoses]

GUYS...GUESS WHO WAS AT THE WIN/TER CLA/SSIC ?!?!?!?!

I’M LOSING MY MIND. I didn’t even consider the fact that he might be there! It’s like my two 2022 hyperfixations combined in one picture. 😭💖 (minus whoever that re/d so/x guy on the right is.) Joe in a B’s hat I’M- 😩

I heard them play Sepa/rate Ways in the background of the broadcast during the game and thought...haha...wouldn’t that be funny if??? AND THEN COME TO FIND OUT!

[savebatsfromscratch]

A thingy I made for a cabin war in Scratch Writing Camp last November.

What all Pokemon Special dexholders (not all characters, I'm not that crazy) would do best in school, a comprehensive list. Minus Shilly and Sou because I haven't read Sword and Shield yet, but plus the Pokemon Diamond and Pearl Adventure characters (Jun, Mitsumi, Hareta, and Koya) because I care about them a whole lot. Also this might be really out of character, but if it is I don't even care because I NEED TO FINISH MY CABIN WAR PLEASE I'M CRYING SO HARD. (Not really crying don't worry.)

Red: I think that Red would do the best in gym class. He wouldn't do badly in other classes or anything, he'd just be much better at a physical activity class like gym. He would probably have a bit of trouble with certain activities (like the ones that have him using his hands more than his wrists are ready to handle), but he'd generally be very good at the class. He's the type of guy to be picked first or almost first by the other students whenever they have the chance too, but he's just as much the type of person to be a team leader. His momentary struggles with his hands do nothing to change this, he's just very good. 

Blue (male): Blue would be good at every class from gym to general music to chemistry and back again. I think he'd be the best at classes that are more centered on working on his own than with a group, but he isn't much better at any one subject than all the others. He just trains himself to be better, that's all. (Besides, he's good at focusing on his training, and he's just as athletic as any other dexholder, which immediately makes him good at school in my eyes.)

Green (female): I am of the belief that Green is much smarter than the lets on, even in the later parts of canon when she starts to drop her mask. (Both literally and figuratively, thanks to the Mask of Ice situation.) But I think that the class that she would really excel in would be health and sewing. She seems like the type of person who would be good at health, thanks to surviving on her own for quite a while, and she canonically likes sewing. (And besides, the image of Green sewing and getting graded well on it makes me really happy.

Yellow: Given that Yellow is the series' biggest artist, I think that it is only fair to make her the best at art class out of everything she is taking. Sure, it would be awesome if I could say that she was the best at math, or writing, or something funny like that, but it would be a lie. I mean, her improvement through the series (otherwise seen as her several different art styles) show a 'mastery' of art that none of the other characters have.

Gold: I invite anyone who disagrees with me on this to fight behind the nearest Pokemon Gym, but Gold would be the best at the types of classes where you learn how to take care of children. He would for sure pretend that he prefers other classes, but no matter how much he loves gym class, he is the best and (and enjoys) child care class the most. He would even do the 'take a robot baby / an egg home' assignment more than once, if he could. 

Crystal: Like Red (grass types stick together, I guess), I think that Crystal would enjoy gym class the most. But unlike Red, it is a close tie between science and gym. Something like Biology or Earth Science (but admittedly not Chemistry or Physics) seems to be her style. She loves catching animals for data, so dissecting a frog or learning about different kinds of rocks in the earth sounds right up her alley. 

Silver: I don't think Silver would like school very much. And though I could end his note right here, I think it's fair to mention that I think he would like art class more than most would expect. Sure, he's not very good at it (though he excels in every math class he gets), but it makes him happy, and isn't that all that matters? Plus, I bet he and Gold share art class, and Silver isn't exactly as upset about that as he pretends to be.

Emerald: Emerald would like the classes that he shares with Crystal, but I don't think he'd like science class the same way she does. Honestly, I don't think he'd prefer one subject over another, only basing his favorite classes on who is in the class with him and who is the poor soul teaching him. He'd sarcastically say that his favorite class was recess, even though he doesn't even have it anymore. 

Ruby: Ruby would like the same class as Green, if you ignore the health class on that list. He'd like sewing, interior design, arts and crafts, cooking, all of the sorts of things that the specific class I'm talking about tends to have. (I honestly don't know what it's called though, maybe home something?) He also likes being the center of attention, and being good at things in a class tends to get you that, and I am of the belief that he would be impressively good at at least most of the things that that sort of class would be aiming to teach. (The only thing that he would like more would be a makeup class, but as far as I know that doesn't exist.)

Sapphire: Sapphire likes gym class well enough, and she likes science also, but mostly she likes lunch. (Which is so valid to be honest.) Even if she forgot to bring a lunch and is forced to buy from the lunch ladies (a travesty to be sure), she enjoys it. She likes talking to Ruby, and because I think she would be unlucky enough not to be in a single class with him, this is her only chance to. 

Wally: Wally would be good at Health class, because he's a caring boy and also has a lot of his own health problems to worry about, leaving him fairly well informed on the subject, but he wouldn't necessarily enjoy it. There'd be too many "jokesters" in his class (you absolutely know the ones I'm talking about if you've ever been to a high school health class, heck, even a middle school one will do it), and he'd find it hard to focus on what the teacher was telling him. But at the same time, there isn't really a class that he likes more.

Diamond: Diamond likes the same class as Ruby! Or, rather, he likes cooking class. (Which is an advanced form of Ruby's favorite class, kind of.) He also enjoys public speaking class, but even since he and Pearl were separated in said class, it lost most of its charm, leaving him with the former tied class to be the undisputed favorite. He's good at cooking, he enjoys eating (what a valid little guy), and the teacher always gives him something new and interesting to try. 

Pearl: Pearl, even after being split up from Diamond (you don't even want to KNOW what trouble the two of them stirred up before hand), still has public speaking as his favorite class. He also likes the few music classes he takes, but for him, nothing quite captures the charm of the horribly awkward public speaking room. (Especially because he easily steals the show, every single time, without fail.)

Platinum: Platinum is good at pretty much every class she takes, much like Blue, but she gravitates heavily towards language classes. In fact, she even took a special plan from her guidance counselor to get her into ALL of the language classes. She's learning Kalosian ("French"), Unovian ("German"), Galarian ("English"), and has her eyes set on the new one as well. ("Spanish").

Black: Black doesn't pay much attention to what is actually happening in the classes he takes, therefore not really having a favorite, but because he's so good at setting his mind to things (and wanting to be the best he possibly can), he ends of being good at pretty much everything. Unfortunately though, his loudness doesn't exactly make him a favorite among the teachers, and he mostly ends up in trouble, even if he is truly good at the subject. (Which, of course, he almost always is.) Because of this, his favorite has to be gy class, because kids are sort of meant to be loud in gym class, at least some of the time.

White: White doesn't much like any specific class, but she sure does enjoy the drama club! In fact, she started the school's drama club, quickly forcing two younger students (Blake and Whi two) to join along with her. She doesn't act all that often, but she serves as a great club manager, even if she's not a teacher.

Blake: Blake doesn't share this sort of information with anyone, and depending on the person asking (and even what the setting is), his answer will change. He does have an odd draw to talking to girls in the hallway though...

Whi two: She likes the baby class along with Gold, but she would really rather if it was about small animals instead of babies. She liked history too, which nobody expected, until they got into a unit that spoke about cults and she was forced to confront a little more about herself that she was really ready for at the moment. But once they get out of that unit, she's fairly sure that it will replace the child class as her favorite once more. (There's only so long a class shared with Gold can stay your favorite.)

X: X wouldn't like school, so I think it's only fair to discuss his least favorite class rather than his favorite one. (His favorite one is whatever one has the least amount of presentation work, he just can't seem to make himself do it.) I think that his least favorite class, like many other high schoolers, would be public speaking. He wouldn't be BAD at it, at least not worse that the other people in the class with him, but for a required class, it sure is bad for people with obvious anxiety and people related trauma disorders.

Y: Y, like X, wouldn't like school all that much. She likes the concept, she likes hanging out with friends, but she just can't seem to find a subject that really peaks her interest. Plus, getting bullied is never fun, and the one time Y was shown at school in canon (which is, humorously enough, a lot more than pretty much any other character) she was getting bullied. I would hope the trend not to continue in this AU, but sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.

Sun: Sun would probably like personal financing class the best, and he (this is totally off topic but I need to say it) would probably be the first person in a personal financing club. He may no longer NEED to collect the ridiculous amount of money that he was in canon, but who knows, maybe his years and years of nearly non-stop working ignited something in him. Though he doesn't really seem like the type of person to like school in general, so maybe it's a reach.

Moon: Being ridiculously smart, Moon would be good at pretty much every class she has to go to, but I think she'd be the best at the science (specifically chemistry) classes. Why? Well, if you know anything about Moon, you'll know that she is very very into medical things, and for a high school (not sure if it was clear, but that's where I've been basing most of this list) chemistry is about the best you're gonna get.

Mitsumi: Mitsumi likes the sorts of classes where she can relax and focus on her studies. Unfortunately, her former favorite class (Band) is no longer fun, not ever since the conductor changed and the only other Bassoon player left for Trombone.

Jun: Jun likes whatever class that he can show off to Mitsumi in. It literally does not matter the subject.

Hareta: Hareta doesn't like the controllingness of school, and even though he's really nice to all of his teachers and fellow students, he spends so much time in detention that it has become a favorite class of sorts for him. (He doesn't understand what about it is supposed to be a punishment, really.) He liked gym, until it set in that they weren't going to do anything fun or difficult for him, any even though he still likes it (he likes every class well enough), it's not longer a favorite.

Koya: He's too secretive to know for sure, but I think he'd probably like classes that are generally considered difficult. Physics, Trigonometry, Chemistry, AP language, those sorts of things.

[mikeellee]

Hi. I was thinking about this and I think I can improve.

So ok Aizawa does that(not bc he has any care for Izu) but here the plot twist Mic can expell students too. All senseis in ua have this power- they arent Aizawa's acessory- so when he heard BK tried to kill Izu and Izu was changed to a new class and BK is scott free...

Mic expells Bk, point and simple.

Bk is kicked out in the same second. Aizawa is angry and tries to argue his case but Nezu sides with Mic, no, they don't need a dossie on what happened in Aldera to know this kid has issues and is the issue for Izu's well being.

Bk is dropped like a potato sack. No one but Aizawa is sad.

Izu? Karma is on his side. He is thriving as class Ed loves him (minus Shinso but he doesn't matter)

Aizawa protest so much for Bk's sake, give him a chance...he says...

It makes two things

1) clas A1 alienated and hates him

2) nezu fires him. He is not being professional at all. And is so sus he is sidong with a former student who gleefully tried to kill another. Better cut the evil by its root.

Aizawa became the hobo and is in front of UA gate talking about logical ruse, bk and whatever.

Izu does goes to class b1 and is thrieving and what a few weeks without bk does to mf! He is more confident and have nice friends. Does he hates A1? Not really but Izu bond more with class B1 and general Ed.

Izu wins the sport festival and ends up telling AM his past.

Imagine you, an Aldera staff, hearing the kid you bet all your coins so to speak...was expelled in the first day and the kid no one thought much is now AM'a protege and fav.

Now imaging AM saying Aldera sucks.

Remember! AM is the #1 hero not a nobody.

Ding dong and the police wants to asks some questions.

As for BK...he get no job- no one wants to employ him 🙄gee I wonder why. Its his horrible personality- and he decides to be the only villain that wins.

He lost to Spinner and Mineta.

Izu? Never saw his abuser. His revenge is living his best life!.

AU where Eraserhead is made aware of Izuku's late bloomer status before the first day of school instead of assuming Izuku just never trained it.

Aizawa immediately yeets Midoriya into Gen Ed, where he can safely train his Quirk without the added stresses of being in the Hero Course. Unfortunately, Aizawa is clinically allergic to open communication.

Midoriya 'I Survived Aldera' Izuku assumes the worst: that he's never getting back into the Hero Course, that his teacher hates him, and that everything was for nothing.

All Might's Dad instincts activate and he zeroes in on Midoriya's negative spiral and quickly reassures Midoriya that the boy is still his successor and that he believes in him. All Might further apologizes for not teaching him properly. To make up for it, he bites the bullet and calls Gran Torino

Midoriya proceeds to win the Sports Festival with Full Cowling, completely obliterating the entire competition. Uraraka and Iida are thriving.

Midoriya transfers back into the Hero Course... in class 1-B. He doesn't trust Aizawa any more, and Aizawa has to face the fact that his failure to talk to people has cost him a student he genuinely wants to succeed.

+1. Bakugou takes Midoriya's expulsion as validation for everything he's ever said about Midoriya, which causes him to double down on his behaviors. By the Sports Festival, he's unwittingly isolated himself from half the class

+2. Uraraka and Iida are furious on Midoriya's behalf, which causes some heavy rifts between the class (who notice and ask) and Aizawa, who, again, is clinically allergic to explaining things.

[claridiuce]

We are in the space💜

[fantasyfanxd]

One last D and D Minus doodle. Cla the Aarakocra with a stolen robe. He can’t wear it he just likes stealing. He is interestingly enough NOT a rogue.

[ooc-piat]

Morgan/Cla: "I stealthily plant the drugs on Dave."

[thefanficmonster]

Whatever

TinaKitten x Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Swearing (?)

Genre: FLUFF, Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Tina’s stream is raided, leaving more eyes on her stream than usual which freaks her out. Luckily, she knows who to call when that happens.

Requested by 🤸‍♀️ Anon. Hi darling! Thank you so much for your request!  Yours is my first on for Tina and I’m super excited to write it! I hope it was worth the wait and you enjoy the read! Love, Vy ❤

It is a regular day for you minus having to go class since it’s the weekend. You’d typically go out with friends and do something but what is a person to do when all their friends are busy. Some are streamers, some are parents, some have demanding jobs and others are studying or doing homework since they’re just like you - stressed, overly-caffeinated college students. Luckily, you’re not a part of that category today. You can kick your feet up and catch up on your favorite show.

Which is exactly what you’re currently doing.

Huddled up on the couch with a soft blanket and a cup of coffee, you’ve found yourself enjoying the late afternoon after deep-cleaning the entire apartment which is something that had been on your to-do list for quite some time but you never seemed to find the time to do it. Honestly, you didn’t have enough energy for it....ok, didn’t have enough effort for it and your apartment was far from a dump yet so..... Only when you started cleaning did you see how fucking filthy it was. But what matters is that now you’re done with it and are able to relax with a fully crossed out to-do list that isn’t hanging over your head any longer.

Midway through episode two of Euphoria, you hear the faint noise of your ringtone from your bedroom where you had left your phone on accident. You pause the episode and kick the blanket off of you and jog down the hall to answer the call.

You smile to yourself when you see the Caller ID.

“Hi!“ You chipperly greet your best friend....best friend? It doesn’t quite suit what Tina means to you but you’re willing to roll with it to avoid making any possibly fatal assumptions. Fatal for your friendship, of course.

“Hey. Sorry to bother you during your ‘me time’ but I didn’t know who else to call.“ Tina replies, the tone of her voice causing your smile to drop immediately.

“First of all, you could never bother me, Tina. Second, what happened? What’s wrong?“ You ask, sitting down on the edge of your bed’s mattress.

“Thanks, Y/N. What would I do without you.“ She chuckles, calming your nerves down ever so slightly, “And it’s nothing bad, it’s great actually. My stream got raided by Dream from the Dream SMP and that’s amazing and all but it’s also more viewers than I’ve ever had and it’s stressing me out.“ She says, all in one stressful breath, causing you to almost miss half of what she said.

“Raided?“ You ask, cringing at your lack of knowledge about the streaming lingo. With several streamer friends, you still find yourself confused from time to time which you think is utterly ridiculous.

“He sent his viewers to my stream once his was done.“ Tina giggles, “Don’t worry, you’ll be speaking fluent Streamer soon.“

“I’ll study up.“ You giggle back before focusing on the reason she called you in the first place, “And what’s the big deal? You’re your awesome self with 100 or 1000 viewers. Don’t let the viewer count make you feel any type of way except positive. Just keep being you, ok? Those who don’t like that are free to leave, the rest will enjoy your stream and maybe become your fans as well. Now, I don’t know much about the streaming industry, but I do know that a major part of it is accumulating fans and growing your following. That being said, there’s really nothing about this that should make you nervous. You’re doing what you love, that’s what matters. You genuinely enjoy streaming and any fleeting viewers shouldn’t concern you. I understand that it makes you feel exposed more than usual but you better start getting used to it, Tina. I’m not clairvoyant or anything, but I can assure you that that number is gonna keep growing.“

Tina stays quiet for a moment, processing all you’ve told her and trying to incorporate it in her mindset. She hadn’t thought of that before - she never thought her channel would keep growing and becoming more popular. She had always though her circle would stay small and tightknit and within her comfort zone. But now that you’ve put it in a different perspective for her, she’s beginning to think otherwise.

“You think so?“ She asks, inviting a small smile onto your face.

“I know so.“ You reply, “When have I ever been wrong?“

“Whatever, know-it-all.“ Tina replies in a playfully annoyed tone, making you giggle. She’s soon to bring it down to a serious note though when she continues, “Once again, thanks Y/N. I don’t know what I’d do without you.“

“Whatever, Miss Sentimental.“ You reply, getting a genuine laugh out of her.

“Love you.“

Now that catches you off-guard, bringing an intense blush to your cheeks and some restless butterflies in your stomach. It’s not the first nor the last time Tina has made you feel this way but you can’t do much about it regardless. You can only hope she feels at least half of what you feel when she says those two words.

“I love you too.“

[minusgangtime]

*cla minus gets angry* MEAN BOYFRIEND how to make pico sick with cookies

"Ayo, c'mon, now! It wasn't my fault!"

[tsukishima44]

It Was Not Yamada's Fault For Once

For once, it was not his husband's fault. He was sure it was yesterday's exhaustion seeped into his bones. Or maybe the lack of sleep finally show its ugliness. Yet he couldn't stop screaming at his mind, why now for goodness sake!?

The school bell had rang at 10 a.m sharp, indicating a lesson change. Shouta placed the final fullstop at some sentences he wrote on the blackboard. Sluggishly, he turned his body back towards his student, eyes traveled on some sleepyhead who dared to sleep on his lesson.

"This will be on test"

He made sure to say it loudly, louder than the volume he used when speaking. It had the effect he wanted. Kaminari, Ashido, Hagakure, and Ojiro startled from their daydreaming slash sleeping state. Each looking helplessly at their own saviour, Ashido and Kaminari made puppy eyes at Bakugou while Hagakure -although unseen- pleading with her face to Yaoyorozu and Ojiro looked to Shouta's face -as he was in the front seat- and realized it was a stupid decision and looked back to Midoriya. Those angels -and one angel of death- smiled at their hopeless friend, while Bakugou fumming at them and already ranting about not paying attention to the lesson enough so he won't help them. Iida, always the busybody, had cut Bakugou's rant and talking about being disrespectful at their homeroom teacher who had been watching at them.

When mentioned, Shouta finally conceded to the thought that he was really exhausted. He just plastered his usual deadpan face and immediately the class basked in silence.

"Kaminari, Ashido, Hagakure, Ojiro" they looked at him "detention after class"

Shouta scowled inside at his decision. Of course he wanted to go home too. His students just made him do it.

It was not his fault they couldn't go home fast.

After he thought about it, he made his usual packing before changing class to walk to the next class. His eyes lazily looking at the clustered knick-knacks on his desk then took several objects he needed.

When he finished, he looked back to ensure everything was on his person.

Binder. Check

Pencil. Check

Capture weapon. Check

Artificial tears. Artificial tears?

His mind ignored the sound of door opened

Oh, in one of his utility belt's pocket. Check.

Sleeping bag. Check.

Then he heard his name was called

"-a sensei?"

"Yeah?" Shouta looked up

His students snapped to stare at him like he has grown another head. Shinsou, who he presumed as the one that was calling, was on his feet. Shouta looked to them again and again, before he drawled a confused question

"What?"

Shinsou's eyes blinked

"Uh.." the purple head scratched his head "I was calling Yamada-sensei"

Shouta's logical thinking should've screech at the obvious mistake but nooooo. His mouth wouldn't communicate with his mind first before those words stumbled from his mouth

"I am Yamada. So, what do you want to ask?"

His ears heard a subtle gasp across the room

"No, sensei. I mean Yamada-sensei"

He was sure his also secret child was hinting his foolishly foolish mind to fucking turn back and think. Yet once again, his mouth spoke without any filter.

"Hitoshi, I am married to Hizashi in case you have forgotten. I am too a Yamada. Why would you suddenly call me that. Anyway, just tell me your question so I can walk to the next cla-"

"That's it" Shinsou had threw his hands in the air, resigning "I give up"

"What are you-" SLAP

Finally. Fucking finally his mind snapped out of confusion and he slapped a hand on his trecherous mouth. The smacking sound rang loudly in the silence of his class.

Shouta's brain finally noticed the stares of his students drilling into his figure and it was all his stupid fault.

"Damn, Shou. I cannot believe you told your student about our marriage and it was not my fault"

As if noticing his husband for the first time, Shouta embarrassingly jumped at Hizashi's awed tone.

Shouta was hoping the whole class wouldn't hear him speaking but who was he kidding. His students, minus Shinsou, eyes were widening so big he was afraid their eyeballs would fall out of their sockets.

Then in

3

2

1

"OH. MY. GOD!!!!!!!"

There they went.

"SENSEI YOU ARE MARRIED!?!?"

"TO PRESENT MIC-SENSEI!?"

"WHY?"

"HOW!?"

"THE HELL SENSEI? HOW CAN YOU FUCKING LOVE THAT LOUD MOUTH?"

Shouta half registered Hizashi's indignant retort at Bakugou's foul language. He himself had placed his head on Hizashi's shoulder, a headache slowly inching its way to his frontal lobe. The warm emitted from Hizashi's hand petting his matted raven strands lovingly was his only salvation in the chaos he had made. Then a familiar green headphone and the dance of Hizashi's finger on his directional speaker buttons let Shouta knew what would be coming

"EVERYONE BE QUIET!"

Shouta's ears were blissfully shielded by Hizashi's headphone. He felt Hizashi's chest rumbled as he spoke and didn't bother with anything until the headphone was removed from his head.

He heard the soft groan of his students complaining but silence once more when Hizashi made a gesture of screaming.

"Now, if you will excuse us" Shouta suddenly felt his body lifted from the ground and held in Hizashi's arms "I have a husband to take care of. I will send a teacher to come here"

Then they began their journey to grandma Chiyo's mini hospital. Most of his students, good students, had followed with a 'get well soon, sensei' and some varieties but his bad students, namely members of Bakusquad and a strange mixture of Shoji, Hagakure, and weirdly Uraraka were using catcalls instead. Shouta's mind trying to remember those catcaller when- is that a Chesire cat or his son just smugly grinning at them

He tapped Hizashi's arm once to stop him right on the door's window.

Then his mouth grinned so widely

"We will see you at home, Hitoshi"

Their purple head son gasped and spluttered at the sudden attention on him

"OH GOD I FORGOT YOU ARE SENSEIS' SON, SHINSOU!!"

"I knew it"

"ICY HOT HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW!?"

Shouta and Hizashi laughed at their surrogate son's groan and thwacking sound he produced from thumping his head to the table.

"I hate you both"

"Yeah, we love you too"

[faylor]

Impulsive

Chapter 1: Landslide

Sunshine was bleeding through the curtains in Alex's bedroom as she fluttered her eyes open, the sound of her alarm blaring just beside her. She reached over to turn it off, groaning. Was it already time to get up? It felt like she'd barely slept at all. Nevertheless, she forced herself to sit up, dropping her feet to the floor before rubbing her tired eyes. Mere moments passed before she heard a quiet knock on her door.

"Alex? You up?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm up," she said groggily in response. Her bedroom door slowly opened.

"Alright, good. You'd better go ahead and get ready so we're not late, okay?"

"It'll literally take me like 5 minutes, Mom." A small smirk appeared on the teenager's lips as she spoke.

"I'm holding you to that, starting... now," her mother sarcastically countered. Alex laughed at her mother's words, rolling her eyes.

"I'll be down in a sec," she said, finally standing from her bed. No sooner than her mother had walked away, Alex made her way to her closet, picking out an outfit for the day. She quickly got dressed in one of her many Led Zeppelin t-shirts, jeans and a flannel before sliding on her favorite pair of Vans, as tattered and worn as they were. She promptly brushed out her messy dark hair before brushing her teeth and finally heading downstairs. She saw her mom standing at one of the counters, pouring herself a cup of coffee as she noticed Alex's presence. She had raised an eyebrow upon seeing her daughter's choice of outfit.

"That's what you're wearing today?" she questioned jokingly.

"What? It's not like some super fancy occasion or anything," Alex responded, reaching into one of the cabinets for a coffee mug of her own.

"Okay, if you say so." Her mother laughed, taking a sip of her coffee. "Just make sure you eat something before we leave - and no, coffee doesn't count as a meal."

"Like you have room to talk." Alex reactively rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious. You want me to make you something?"

"Nah, I'll just eat some cereal, I guess."

"Well, make it quick. T-minus 30 minutes till we have to leave, kiddo."

"Yeah, yeah," Alex laughed. She'd always hated being called a kid, but there was something about the way her mom said it that made it feel comforting.

She quickly poured herself a bowl of Frosted Flakes as her mind wondered. She couldn't help but smile as a jolt of excitement sparked within her at the thought of today's endeavor. After all, it wasn't every day that she got to be in the same room as the Tony Stark.

xXxXxXx

This particular car ride was one of extreme anticipation, at least for Alex. She had been told only last week that Tony Stark himself was going to be visiting Stanford University to speak for the Physics and Technology departments, and she was not missing that. Normally, such an event would've been strictly for students and faculty only, but the fact that Alex's mom was the head of the Physics department had its perks at times.

They couldn't get there soon enough, and when they finally did, Alex practically jumped out of the car, nearly losing her balance in the process; and she excitedly followed her mom toward the back side of the large auditorium building in front of them. Once inside, Alex had noticed they were in the back area to the stage, where multiple people were prepping last-minute details. Her wondering mind was brought back from its thoughts at the sound of her mother's voice.

"Come on, I've got a surprise for you," she said with a rather excited smile appearing across her face.

"You know I don't like surprises, Mom." Alex mockingly rolled her eyes, a subtle laugh escaping past her lips.

"Oh, trust me, you'll like this one."

"If you're plotting some kinda scheme to embarrass me in front of your co-workers, I'm afraid it's not gonna hap-" Her words stopped right in their tracks. She had barely noticed that they'd been walking toward a separate room until she saw her mother reaching up to gently knock on the door, upon which a sign read 'Guest', and she started to piece things together quite quickly. "No- Is- Is this- Nooooooo."

Her mother laughed as she read Alex's awe-stricken expression. "Let's just say, you owe me one, okay?"

"Uh, okay yeah. Big freaking time. I just- I can't even right now." Alex's smile couldn't have been any wider if she'd tried. This was huge.

Only moments later, the handle on the door began to slowly move, and Alex couldn't help but widen her eyes.

Okay, be cool, be cool, she thought to herself, watching in anticipation as the door started to open in front of her. She saw a figure in the opening, but not one that she recognized. The very official-looking man was tall, wearing a plain suit and a subtle smile.

"Ah, Doctor Murray. Come on in," he said brightly, waving his hand in gesture for them to enter. The two of them followed closely behind the man as he ushered them inside the small room.

"Thank you, Mr. Hogan. I really do appreciate this," said her mother.

"Oh, it's not a problem," the man replied, finally stepping out of the way. Alex's eyes instantly found their way across the room.

And there he was, sitting on the small couch just feet away as a smug smile played on his face. She couldn't believe it. Sure, she was far beyond ecstatic to see him speak today, but by no means whatsoever did she expect to have the privilege of her own personal meet and greet with Iron Man himself. Her body felt frozen as her eyes met his, and she didn't know if she was capable of actually moving at the moment.

Tony stood from his seat, starting to slowly make his way toward them.

"The ringleader herself!" His gaze was on Alex's mom now as he offered to shake her hand. She did so, a gratuitous smile forming across her features.

"I'm so glad you could be here today, Mr. Stark," she said.

"Of course," he responded, his infamous smirk unfaltering, "I figured, it's been a good minute since I've made an appearance in this neck of the woods, anyway." He chuckled softly, turning his attention now to Alex. "And who do we have here?"

"This is my daughter, Alex. She was super excited to come and see you speak today. I didn't tell her about this after we'd talked, though. Thought it might be a nice surprise." Alex's face instantly turned a bright shade of red as her mother spoke. Was this actually happening right now? Her mom had mentioned her to him? She couldn't decide if she was appreciative or mortified.

"H-Hi." Her voice was obviously tinged with nervousness. "It's nice to meet you."

"It always is," Tony chuckled, and he reached his hand out to shake her own. Alex raised a slightly shaky hand in response and shook his, silently cursing herself at knowing how sweaty her palms must've been. Nevertheless, she attempted to keep her cool. The last thing she wanted to do was make an idiot of herself right now.

"I'm a big fan of your work, Mr. Stark. I even wrote a paper about you for one of my science cla-" Oh no... Word. Vomit.

She cut herself off upon realizing the all too embarrassing sentence that had just escaped from her mouth, her eyes becoming wide. "I mean- I just- I think it's all really cool, what you do," she finished with a nervous chuckle. She felt almost instant relief as she noticed Tony laugh himself.

"Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered, kid."

"Oh, well, th-thank you," Alex replied as her lips curled into a genuine smile.

"And I've heard from your mom here that you're quite the science enthusiast yourself, huh?"

Yep, she was definitely mortified.

"Um, well sorta, yeah."

"Only sorta?" he joked, "Well, stick to it, kid. The world always needs more sorta scientists in it, yeah?"

Alex attempted to think of something cool to say in response, but her thoughts failed her as the room grew awkwardly silent.

Tony glanced at his watch before turning his attention to Alex's mom, clapping his hands together. "Well, looks like it's about that time. Let's get this show on the road, shall we?" He, paused, once more shifting his gaze to Alex as he slightly nodded his head at her. "It was a pleasure, Miss Alex."

She watched as he hastily made his way toward the room's door, and she was beaming. Had this actually happened? Had she really just met him? It felt like a dream that she was far too worried she'd soon wake from.

"Nice shirt by the way, kid," Tony noted before finally stepping out of the room, followed by Mr. Hogan. Alex raised an eyebrow as she glanced down at her t-shirt.

"And you wanted me to change," Alex joked, causing her mother to shake her head in response.

"Come on, let's go," she said through a small laugh before making her own way toward the door.

This was, decidedly, the best day of Alex's life.

xXxXxXx

The presentation had gone spectacularly so far, and Alex was fully invested in every moment with a rather cheesy smile plastered across her face. This was so awesome.

Tony was just beginning to make his final remarks when an unimaginably uneasy feeling settled within Alex. She felt rumbling at her feet, and it was quickly growing. In a matter of seconds, a mutual notion of panic had started to spread throughout the room as people realized what was happening.

Earthquake.

Alex's heart jumped as the continuous vibrations grew more violent, and she turned to her mother, grabbing her hand. Their eyes met, a shared expression of worry evident within them.

"We have to get out of here, quickly!" her mother spoke fervently, gripping Alex's hand a bit tighter. "It's gonna be okay." She quickly placed a kiss on her daughter's forehead. "Come on."

Alex followed, still latching onto her hand as they weaved through people. The entire building had begun to tremble, lights flickering, and now the crowd was scattered in multiple directions like a chaotic stampede. Alex felt her hand forcefully dislodge from her mother's, and within seconds she had lost sight of her mother altogether. Her heart rate started to rise, and her eyes grew wide.

"Mom?" she called out. "Mom!" It was to little effect, the clamor of panic in the air completely overpowering the sound of her trembling voice. She made an instinctive decision to make her way further toward the front of the auditorium, against the flow of people running to the building's main exit. She called out again. No answer. So she kept moving, her eyes darting rapidly through the crowd. She finally made it through the sea of panicked people who had almost completely vacated the space by then, and she exhaled a sigh of slight relief at the next thing her eyes saw.

Alex's gaze finally found her mom. She was much further back than she'd thought, having gone to the side wing of the stage, muddled within another cluster of people attempting to escape through the back exit. She sighed in a moment of relief, and she tried to make her way to her as quickly as possible.

She had made it to the stairs leading onto the stage when a loud metallic creak pierced her ears from above. Her eyes veered upward as her body suddenly froze, noticing that the stage light rigging was shifting. The large metal beam strung with large lights abruptly gave way, and Alex gasped as she raised her hands toward it, her breath catching in the back of her throat.

Before she had time to react, she felt her body being yanked backward. Her eyes clinched shut as she embraced herself to meet the ground hard - but she never did. Instead, it was a pair of metal arms that had wrapped around her, pulling her to safety. Her eyes opened again to see that the beam had landed mere feet away from where she was now standing. Her head whipped around, and her heart skipped a beat at the sight behind her.

Iron Man.

"Th-Thanks..." she muttered shakily.

"Get outta here, kid. Now!" he demanded.

"But I have to get to my-" Alex was cut short by a rather noticeable wave of shaking from the ground.

There was another loud snap on the ceiling above them, then cracking. The concrete began to break apart, and chunks started descending directly at the two of them.

"Mr. Stark!" Alex warned, but the rubble was falling all too fast. She raised her hands upward once more - this time, with more intent.

Instantly, the pieces of ceiling stopped, suspending in mid-air before they were sent hurdling to the side. Not immediately realizing what she had done, she glanced up at the figure who had just saved her moments ago, knowing he had witnessed her unintentional display of ability. Her eyes grew wide as she stared at him.

"I- I..." Alex attempted to come up with an excuse for the entirely abnormal task that she had just accomplished, but she was quickly cut off.

"Get out of the building, now!" Tony instructed, seemingly unfazed by the girl's actions.

Alex hesitated for a moment. She needed to find her mom, and quick. Decidedly ignoring his words, she jolted away from him, further into the auditorium where she had previously been. Surely her mother hadn't gone too far from there. Not more than a few seconds later, she heard what sounded like rocket thrusters getting closer toward her; and before she knew it, she felt the same pair of metal arms grab her own as her feet left the ground. She gasped in both surprise and fear, turning around to see that Iron Man had picked her up once again and was carrying her outside of the complex.

"Listen, kid, this is no time to play hero, okay?" Tony stated, a mix of sternness and sarcasm in his voice.

"You don't understand! My- My mom is still in there!" she pleaded, struggling to free herself from his grip to little effect. Once outside, Tony slowly lowered her to the ground.

"Stay. Here," he demanded, immediately turning himself back toward the entrance and heading back inside. Alex felt her chest tighten. How could she just stand out here when her mother could very well be stuck under a pile of rubble? She watched as one by one, Iron Man continued to retrieve the trapped guests within the auditorium, bringing them outside to safety. Alex began to scan the crowd of people, searching for the only person that mattered at the moment. The more unfamiliar faces she passed, the more she felt her heart drop.

"No, no, no, no, no..." she muttered under her breath. This couldn't be happening. Where was she? She had to be there somewhere.

Only she wasn't.

It seemed as if Alex had searched through the sea of people at least twice by now, checking now and then to see if anyone else was being brought out.

At that point, Iron Man flew out of the auditorium again, but this time he wasn't carrying anyone. Alex's eyes were glued to him, partly in anger and partly in pleading. Come on, get her out... she thought.

Her concentration was suddenly broken by the loud crumpling noises coming from the direction of the building, and right before her eyes, it began buckling to the ground. She gasped, clasping a hand over her agape mouth.

Just like the building, Alex's whole world was collapsing around her.

[preserving-ferretbrain]

City of Celluloid

by Dan H

Sunday, 01 September 2013

Dan has seen the City of Bones movie.

Uh-oh! This is in the Axis of Awful...~

I first reviewed Cassandra Cla(i)re's City of Bones in the halcyon days of 2008.

Today, Kyra and I went to see the movie!

Umm...

Long time readers (or people who read the review I linked to above) may recall that I found the original book of City of Bones so blisteringly incoherent that I was barely able to write about it in any kind of sensible manner.

The movie is worse.

Kyra and I saw this film in the tiny, crappy screen at the Odeon on Magdalen Street, an experience we shared with about a dozen other people, all of whom seemed to be having a similarly terrible experience.

Just as with the original book, I really don't know where to start. Because this film is awful in nearly every conceivable way.

Let's start with the good bits:

Good Bit: The Cast are Actually Pretty Cool

Jamie Campbell-Bower is actually really good as Fanon Draco. In the book, I felt that his constant wisecracking revealed less about the character's emotional turmoil than about the author's desire to show off her ability to write one-liners. Campbell-Bower's delivery, though, actually manages to create the impression that I always felt the book was aiming for but failed to achieve – that Fanon Draco is hiding behind playful or dismissive language in order to avoid confronting his feelings.

Lily Collins is a bit generic as Clary but then, really, what does she have to work with. She's … a girl? She has special powers? She's hot for Fanon Draco?

Robert Sheehan (the guy that plays Immortal Kid in Misfits) does a reasonable turn as Simon, although again there isn't a huge amount to do with the character. He wears glasses (temporarily). He has a raging case of nice-guy-syndrome. Meh. I swear he's taller in this than he is in other stuff.

Perhaps most excitingly (even more excitingly than Jamie Campbell-Bower, and I love Jamie Campbell-Bower), Jonathan Rhys Meyers does a fabulously scenery-chewing turn as Valentine. And boy does he need it, because if he stopped raging around and roaring for ten seconds, you might have to ask yourself what the holy fucking hell is actually supposed to be happening, and then you'd probably have to go and cry.

Incidentally, I think it probably says something about the way things work in Hollywood that the teenage protagonists of this film are played by actors in their mid twenties, while their father is played by an actor in his mid thirties. Clearly Valentine was extraordinarily sexually precocious (even if we ignore the fact that Collins and Campbell-Bower are the best part of a decade older than the characters they portray, Rhys-Meyers' Valentine would still have to have started breeding at nineteen to have two seventeen-year-old kids).

Good Bit: It Is Quite Visually Interesting

Part of the fun of this kind of film is that it lends itself quite well to spectacle, and in the beginning the film-makers do a really good job of establishing a visual style, whether it's the Hogwarts-esque grandeur of the institute, the hundreds of Shadowhunter runes that Clary draws in her sleep, or the grotesque, body-splitting demons.

Some of these images might come from the book. I honestly don't remember. I'm pretty sure that the device of Clary drawing Shadowhunter runes is film-only, and I seem to recall that the entire concept of Demons being able to possess people is contrary to book-canon (where Demons are fairly specifically greebly monsters that eat you).

Having said the film is quite visually interesting, I should backtrack a little and say that the film is quite visually interesting in kind of its first half. After they get to the Institute things just get very, very lazy. Big generic flappy-winged monsters. Generic black-and-red demons who look weirdly like the dudes that the Zin send after you in Saints' Row IV

Although Valentine does make a pentagram out of swords. For which plus ten points for swords, minus six points because the pentagram is such an obvious symbol.

And now the rest:

Bad Bit: What The Fuck Is Going On?

So Clary is drawing runes. Then she meets a guy who only she can see. Then later other people can see him.

Then her mum gets attacked by dudes who are looking for the Mortal Cup, so she drinks some kind of magic coma potion because that is apparently the thing you do in that situation.

Then Clary gets attacked by a demon, and the guy rescues her.

Then they do a lot of running around, and the guy who we saw with her mum earlier said he was only hanging out with her to get the cup.

Then they go to this place called the institute. Some people are vaguely rude to Clary. Others aren't.

Clary works out that Damien from Gossip Girl is both gay and in love with Fanon Draco, despite the fact that he has said one sentence and been on screen for eight seconds.

Then Clary goes to see the Silent Brothers. This is one of the bits that are vaguely visually interesting. She has a vision where she sees the name Bane (well, actually she see a series of dots, but Fanon Draco realises that the dots are really, umm, the spaces around the letters in the word BANE witten in block caps. Because her brain stored the negative image. Apparently).

Then they go to see a Warlock. It is vitally important that before they do this that (a) Clary get dressed up in sexy clothes and (b) everybody including Clary take the time to observe that she looks like a hooker, because while it is important for women to dress sexily, it is also important to remember that women who dress sexily are gigantic whores.

The warlock agrees to help them because he is gay, and therefore fancies Damien from Gossip Girl, because all gay men are instantly attracted to all other gay men. The warlock is not wearing any trousers. I am not making this up.

The Immortal Kid from Misfits is captured by vampires for no clear reason.

Something something werewolves something something.

Then there is a scene in a garden where it is all romantic and you know it is romantic because they kiss, but also because there is an extraordinarily loud and intrusive love song played over the top.

Then I think Clary works out where the Mortal Cup is, because she is drinking tea while reading a book, and suddenly the teacup goes inside the page like a picture.

Then they fight a scary black woman.

Then Clary gets the Mortal Cup. Then the man with the grey hair opens the big water portal and Valentine comes through.

Then there is a really, really long fight scene.

No, I mean, like really, really long.

I mean, like half an hour in a two hour movie.

There is a flamethrower. Why is there a flamethrower?

Clary does magic with her glowing dildo pen to freeze some demons.

Did I mention flamethrower?

Grey hair man is a good guy again?

Valentine is everybody's father.

They win?

More glowing dildo magic?

Clary and Fanon Draco drive away on a motorcycle. At a slow walking pace.

Potentially Hilarious Bit: Deviations From Canon

The thing I find most uplifting about the Mortal Instruments movie is that now not only will there be fanfiction based on a novel series based on fanfiction of a different novel series, but there will now be schisms within that fandom between book fans and movie fans.

I read City of Bones five years ago, so I don't really remember it at all well, but I'm pretty sure there were some pretty big changes from book-canon. I'm almost certain that the final confrontation in the original book doesn't take place in the Institute, and Valentine's motivations in the movie are a lot less morally ambiguous, in that he's fairly explicitly trying to take over the world with an army of demons rather than just wipe out the downworlders (I might also point out that the word “downworlder” only appears once in the entire movie).

At the risk of sounding like a horrible nerd and closeted Cla(i)re fanboy, I was strangely irritated by the fact that Valentine, in the film, is able to summon an army of demons by using sort of generic magic, since in the book of City of Ashes a major plot-point is that he needs the Mortal Sword for exactly that purpose.

Other changes form canon just made sense. For example, in the film, Valentine more or less states outright that he used the same kind of memory magic that Marcus Bane used on Clary in order to make Fanon Draco forget that he was raised by the most famous and reviled person in the history of his people. Now actually I'm pretty sure that this isn't possible under book-canon. Shadowhunter magic is runes and only runes, you'd need a warlock for a memory-block, and there's no way that Valentine would have gone to one. But here the film-makers did basically the best they could with what they had. The alternative would be to just go with what it says in the book, which is that Fanon Draco just completley failed to realise that the man who raised him looked exactly like the man whose picture is all over the Institute.

The film also strongly implied that the man Fanon Draco remembered as his father wore an enormous hood at all times.

On the subject of Fanon Draco's heritage, the film inexplicably chose to keep the nonsensical “M turned upside down” plot point from the book, and translated to a visual medium it has exactly the problem I pointed out in my original article. During the climactic scene, when Fanon Draco is staring at his hand and realising to his horror that what he thought was a W is actually an M, the camera is showing us the ring from the other side as it has more or less consistently throughout the entire movie so we are only just seeing it as a W when for us it has been an M for the rest of the film.

Also, the scene with the ring is also pretty much the first time we learn the surnames of either Valentine or Fanon Draco.

The final change from book-canon is to do with the … umm … incest.

A major plot point in The Mortal Instruments is that Clary and Fanon Draco want to be together but can't because they're brother and sister. At the end of the final book, it turns out that Valentine actually isn't Fanon Draco's father at all, he just did weird angel-blood experiments on him while he was still in the womb.

Now I could be wrong, but I think the film-makers really didn't want two and a half movies in which their male and female leads spent half their time seriously contemplating incestuous sex, so they put the ���not his real father” line in before any of the other revelations. So now after Valentine shows up in the Institute, he has a conversation with Hodge, where Hodge says “hey, if you really wanted to screw with those guys you could lie and tell them they were brother and sister.” This somewhat alters the context of everything that happens next, and everything that will happen in the next two films.

So umm, yeah. That's City of Bones: the Movie. It may actually be worse than the book.Themes:

TV & Movies

,

Cassandra Clare

~

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~Comments (

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http://ronanwills.wordpress.com/

at 14:01 on 2013-09-01Robert Sheehan is in this? I'm really hoping he's destined for better things, so this better not end up derailing his career.

Anyway, I was hoping to see a review of the movie on here so now I can satisfy my curiosity without actually watching it myself. I have to admit some of the clips they released actually looked fairly entertaining, but I guess they're not indicative of the movie itself.

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Dan H

at 15:22 on 2013-09-01I think it depends on what you mean by "indicative". There are certainly a lot of entertaining clips, it's just that there's nothing stringing them together. It's like the film is a two hour long trailer.

This is more or less exactly the same problem that I had with the book. There are quite a lot of cool scenes, but they just sort of happen one after the other with no real throughline or sense of arc.

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Fishing in the Mud

at 15:44 on 2013-09-01I'm kind of morbidly curious about what keeps the Clare train going. It looks like she's making money off her work and everything, but I have to wonder how she feels about the terrible reviews her work gets even from critics who like and praise popular writers like Whedon and Rowling. Something tells me the poor woman isn't just in this for the money.

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Arthur B

at 22:24 on 2013-09-01

Incidentally, I think it probably says something about the way things work in Hollywood that the teenage protagonists of this film are played by actors in their mid twenties, while their father is played by an actor in his mid thirties. Clearly Valentine was extraordinarily sexually precocious (even if we ignore the fact that Collins and Campbell-Bower are the best part of a decade older than the characters they portray, Rhys-Meyers' Valentine would still have to have started breeding at nineteen to have two seventeen-year-old kids).

Isn't this part of the usual weirdness with American media wanting to cast teenagers in sexually provocative roles but not, for obvious reasons, wanting to show actual (or even simulated) underage action on screen? I literally just started watching

Vampire Diaries

and half my viewing time so far has been spent yelling at the screen WHY ARE YOU STILL IN SCHOOL GET A JOB YOU SLACKERS

(Though to be fair, the fact that all the high schoolers are grown-ass adults makes the whole thing less creepy in some ways.)

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Cressida

at 22:55 on 2013-09-01A video review from The Nostalgia Chick; I'm curious what Ferretbrainers think...

http://blip.tv/nostalgia-chick/the-next-whatever-the-mortal-instruments-and-ya-adaptations-6635563

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Arthur B

at 23:19 on 2013-09-01My thoughts are "Woah, holy shit, a TGWTG reviewer who offers interesting insights and doesn't rely heavily on gimmicks, fake rage and wAcKy ChArAcTeRs, how rare is that?"

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Michal

at 00:56 on 2013-09-02I was actually about to post that video. Needless to say, I find her points to be very good ones.

My thoughts are "Woah, holy shit, a TGWTG reviewer who offers interesting insights and doesn't rely heavily on gimmicks, fake rage and wAcKy ChArAcTeRs, how rare is that?"

The good ones gather at Chez Apocalypse. Kyle Kallgren of

Brows Held High

is also very erudite and worth watching, especially his more recent videos. (Even better, the crossover between Nostalgia Chick and Brows Held High in which they review

Freddy Got Fingered

is truly something to behold)

I'm kind of morbidly curious about what keeps the Clare train going.

There are very few writers who are purely in it for the money, even the bad ones. I can assure you E.L. James probably enjoyed writing

Fifty Shades of Grey

very much and did not think "my

Twilight

fanfic will make millions!" But if there is a sentiment towards material gain behind Clare's work and writing, it can probably be summed up by

this enormous tour bus

.

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Fishing in the Mud

at 17:04 on 2013-09-02

I can assure you E.L. James probably enjoyed writing Fifty Shades of Grey very much and did not think "my Twilight fanfic will make millions!"

No doubt. But with Clare, I get the sense she doesn't want to write dreck and doesn't want people to think she writes dreck, but may not fully understand how to get better.

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http://wrongquestions.blogspot.com/

at 09:10 on 2013-09-03

with Clare, I get the sense she doesn't want to write dreck and doesn't want people to think she writes dreck

Obviously there's a non-trivial number of people who don't think that she writes dreck. She was a massively successful fanfic author, after all, to the extent of getting a professional publishing contract off her fanfic (and despite her books' debt to Harry Potter, unlike E.L. James she hasn't sold her fanfic; she had to write something from scratch and sell that). And I have seen other YA authors rave about her, though it's not clear to me how much of this is liking the books and how much liking her. Either way, she's got a community (and readers) who give her validation, and if the film of her book has been panned it will be pretty easy for her and her fans to take this as the result of adaptation decay rather than a reflection on the source material.

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Dan H

at 13:11 on 2013-09-03To be fair to Cla(i)re, I do think she's improved over the years. City of Bones was a gigantic incoherent mess. City of Ashes was a slightly less incoherent mess, City of Glass and Clockwork Angel were sort of okay. I mean they still had all of the annoying stuff that I'd expected from Clare's writing, but they actually told a story that made some modicum of sense.

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Alice

at 13:52 on 2013-09-03Either way, she's got a community (and readers) who give her validation, and if the film of her book has been panned it will be pretty easy for her and her fans to take this as the result of adaptation decay rather than a reflection on the source material.

This should be taken with a massive pinch of salt and a [citation needed], but the impression I got was that during the film production process, Clare had talked a lot about how closely involved with the film she was, but once it became clear the film was a flop, she backpedalled and began downplaying her involvement.

Then again, she's not in the business of making films, she's in the business of selling books, and she's pretty good at that.

And I have seen other YA authors rave about her, though it's not clear to me how much of this is liking the books and how much liking her.

Wasn't Maureen Johnson accused of being part of a YA Mafia (including Johnson and Clare) who were somehow all in cahoots and conspiring to get each other published? Because there happened to be a bunch of (aspiring/new) YA authors living in NYC at the same time who were friends and liked to hang out and write together, and happened to all get published to varying degrees of success/popularity? It all seemed a bit storm-in-a-teacup-ish to me, because, well, they were all in the same business, in the same city, and about the same age. And once two or three people become friends they're likely to make friends with each other's friends, especially if you're all in the same boat like that. And sure, they might have been able to help each other with getting agents and that sort of thing, but that's not quite the same thing as getting your friend published & on the bestseller list...

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http://alula-auburn.livejournal.com/

at 19:51 on 2013-09-03I've found the commercials amazingly bad, even for the parameters "that type of thing." Like, it's possible I've blocked it out, but I don't recall the Twilight ads looking so badly put together, in terms of picking out lines to quote or images to use.

Of course, I don't quite see how all the people involved in making a film didn't get the difference between something like Harry Potter or Twilight, which for better or worse penetrated the wider culture (even my extremely pop-cultural illiterate dad could identify Harry Potter as something with a school of wizards, and Twilight as vampires) and this--I think if you didn't have at least some sense of what the books were about the commercials would look even more pointless. (Which was kind of how I felt about the other YA fantasy flop? Beautiful Creatures? Southern accents and witches or something? I still don't know.)

I've not read the TMI (lol) books, but I did read the somewhat-annotated Draco trilogy in an overwrought, sleep-deprived unmedicated-for-a-chronic-pain-condition haze, and I can vaguely see how her style could be sort of compelling for the right sort of pretentious youthful mindset. (I didn't know about the plagiarism stuff then--I barely had a sense of fandom; I was a total naif.) But how it's held up to much more than that I don't know. I also don't know anything about TMI fandom--if the books have much if any staying power outside either that brief, pretentious adolescent window (which can almost be endearing in its own way) or the somewhat incestuous-seeming YA reviews. But there are adults, I guess, who find the ponderous self-absorption of the Twilight books (at least, that's the tone I saw in the quoted lines I read) to be good and profound writing.

That said, I find John Green tiresome and the bit of Maureen Johnson I read didn't do much for me. I don't know if I've had bad luck lately in my YA choices (I read Thirteen Reasons Why because I got it for free), but I've seen a lot more of that faux-deep heavy tone, which to me does not indicate a "maturing" of YA. (But I have personal reasons to be snippy about "literary" YA, so.)

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Alice

at 20:44 on 2013-09-04I've found the commercials amazingly bad, even for the parameters "that type of thing."

I don't know that I thought they were that unusually terrible (within the parameters of "that type of thing", at least), but I was confused by the number of English accents on display, particularly Jace's. Is he meant to be/sound English*, or is it just that Jamie Campbell Bower can't do a US accent?

*I don't remember him being pegged as English in the book, but I read that years ago and don't remember the details.

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Cammalot

at 21:42 on 2013-09-04One odd thing -- virtually every review I've read of this film has complained that Jayce is "a thousand years old" or similar and either doesn't act it, or shouldn't be macking on Clary at his age. Is that something that the film made particularly confusing? I don't recall him or any other forefront character being anything like an immortal in the book -- I mainly remember Isabelle being 14 and acting a bit precociously vampy.

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Dan H

at 19:26 on 2013-09-05@Alice

I don't know that I thought they were that unusually terrible (within the parameters of "that type of thing", at least), but I was confused by the number of English accents on display, particularly Jace's. Is he meant to be/sound English*, or is it just that Jamie Campbell Bower can't do a US accent?

That confused me as well. I don't think I've ever *heard* him do an American accent, but the guy is an actor, surely he can learn? Is it that Valentine has an English accent because he's the villain, and Jace has an English accent because he was raised by Valentine? Or am I giving the film too much credit.

@Cammalot

One odd thing -- virtually every review I've read of this film has complained that Jayce is "a thousand years old" or similar and either doesn't act it, or shouldn't be macking on Clary at his age. Is that something that the film made particularly confusing?

*Everything* in the film is particularly confusing. The film makes no real attempt to explain anything, and there's one line where Jace says something about his people having been doing something "for a thousand years" and the way he says it I can see why somebody who wasn't familiar with Cla(i)re's work might think he was talking from personal experience.

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Fishing in the Mud

at 00:04 on 2013-09-06Fanon Draco must retain his English accent to remain fuckworthy. This point is not negotiable.

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Dan H

at 01:14 on 2013-09-06A tiny part of me is *incredibly* sad that they didn't cast Tom Felton as Jace.

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Cheriola

at 04:31 on 2013-09-06

Incidentally, I think it probably says something about the way things work in Hollywood that the teenage protagonists of this film are played by actors in their mid twenties, while their father is played by an actor in his mid thirties.

While I agree that the wish to sexualise teenagers is probably part of the practise of

Dawson Casting

, the reasons for it are also based in labour laws. It's much less of a hassle to work with adults who can work a full day and don't still have to get high school lessons on the side / won't suddenly leave the franchise in order to start college. And you don't run into problems like the Harry Potter movies with teen actors who age faster than their characters or suddenly look a lot different than their characters are supposed to. (e.g. the actor playing Neville became quite handsome.) Plus, even if there is the occasional prodigy, most actors really do need drama school before being anywhere close to good enough to portray actual characters, instead of just being 'cute'.

Clearly Valentine was extraordinarily sexually precocious (even if we ignore the fact that Collins and Campbell-Bower are the best part of a decade older than the characters they portray, Rhys-Meyers' Valentine would still have to have started breeding at nineteen to have two seventeen-year-old kids).

Really? It's considered "precocious" to be a horny 19-year-old egomaniac who doesn't use condoms? Seems in keeping with the power-high invincibility complex and the lack of care for other people's problems that usually characterise a stereotypical villain like that. I mean, it's not him that would have to care the baby, unless he wants to.

Also, the scene with the ring is also pretty much the first time we learn the surnames of either Valentine or Fanon Draco.

I've skim-read the book article to know what you're even talking about, and... Wait, his surname is Morgenstern?! She took a character who was a blatant Hitler metaphor and made him ethnically Jewish? That... Wow.

One can only hope that she simply wanted a German name (because all Germans are Nazis...) and thought it would be cute to use one that doubled as a Lucifer reference (it means "morning star"), and that she simply didn't do any research on German name origins. [It's one of those names that the Jewish population of the Holy Roman Empire chose when they were forced to adopt surnames in the 18th century. Usually it's pretty-sounding compound words not refering to a profession - like Goldblum(e) ("golden flower"), Bernstein ("amber") or Lilienthal ("valley of lilies").]

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Fishing in the Mud

at 11:55 on 2013-09-06I think some reviewer pointed out that the "Morgenstern" thing is one more reason the film won't work for anyone old enough to remember

Rhoda

.

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Alice

at 14:09 on 2013-09-06I've skim-read the book article to know what you're even talking about, and... Wait, his surname is Morgenstern?! She took a character who was a blatant Hitler metaphor and made him ethnically Jewish? That... Wow.

Well, Cassandra Clare is herself Jewish, so I imagine she was aware of what she was doing when she introduced the Morgenstern reference (along with its cultural/historical baggage). :-)

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Cheriola

at 15:37 on 2013-09-06Really? Huh. Well, it's her right then, I suppose. I just wonder what went through her mind that she thought saying "Yeah, our guys could be just as bad, given half a chance" and feeding into 'zionists want world domination' myths was a good idea.

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Arthur B

at 15:43 on 2013-09-06Is it not possible for Clare to be both Jewish

and

ignorant of the name's history, so she plucked a name which sounded German to her out of thin air without researching it?

I suspect she was going for the "Morgenstern = Morning Star = Lucifer" deal rather than the "Morgenstern = Jew" angle, after all.

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Alice

at 16:14 on 2013-09-06Is it not possible for Clare to be both Jewish and ignorant of the name's history, so she plucked a name which sounded German to her out of thin air without researching it?

I suppose it's possible, but I'd honestly be very surprised if she didn't read Morgenstern as sounding Jewish, even if she didn't know about the historical origins of the name.

I suspect she was going for the "Morgenstern = Morning Star = Lucifer" deal rather than the "Morgenstern = Jew" angle, after all.

Yeah, same. I suppose the thing with Morgenstern is that it's an obvious enough reference that her readers are fairly likely to catch it (and feel all clever and intellectual), while still being a recognisable surname. (She could have used the Greek form if she'd wanted to be more pretentious than usual, but "(h)eosphoros" doesn't really lend itself to turning into a surname that's easily pronounceable in English.)

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Dan H

at 17:53 on 2013-09-06

Really? It's considered "precocious" to be a horny 19-year-old egomaniac who doesn't use condoms?

I was thinking more of the scenario in which he'd started having kids at eleven rather than nineteen (and I'm using "precocious" here in the sense of "premature" rather than "talented"). Although even nineteen doesn't *really* make sense if we look at the way that the history is played up - it's never suggested that Valentine got Jocelyn pregnant accidentally, or that he had kids unusually young.

Valentine is clearly *supposed* to be in his early forties at least, it's just that then he wouldn't be in the narrow window during which Hollywood decrees actors the right age to be sexy.

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Alasdair Czyrnyj

at 23:07 on 2013-09-11

oh my what a shame who could have forseen rhubarb rhubarb

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Fishing in the Mud

at 02:03 on 2013-09-12Yeah, if it hasn't managed to turn a profit in a good three weeks, I don't blame anyone for backing off. The standards for bestselling books are a whole lot lower than for movie blockbusters.

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Dan H

at 16:02 on 2013-09-12

The standards for bestselling books are a whole lot lower than for movie blockbusters.

I assume you mean "the revenues expected from bestselling books are a whole lot lower than the revenues expected from movie blockbusters". Because for most other expectations (plot, characterization, that sort of thing), bestselling books and blockbuster movies are pretty much on par.

Also: I've been poking around the forums on Rotten Tomatoes and some of the discussions are hilarious. I particularly like the people complaining about Jace having a British accent, and the other people saying "No, that makes sense. They grew up in Idris, which is in Europe, so they'd naturally have picked up British accents."

Because all European people have British accents, you guys.

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Cammalot

at 20:11 on 2013-09-12

Because all European people have British accents, you guys.

I've long enjoyed listening to the variety of accents with which Swedish people speak English. (This is a tangent, but not a joke. There was a little honest-to-goodness rivalry in one of my classes between the ones who'd learned with a North American/U.S. accent and the ones who'd learned received pronunciation [capitalize?] -- two of these were siblings on opposite sides -- and they all ganged up on the lone Norwegian.)

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Dan H

at 22:37 on 2013-09-12

This is a tangent, but not a joke.

Three Swedes walk into a schwa?

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Shim

at 23:10 on 2013-09-12

Three Swedes walk into a schwa?

...and say "əw!"?

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Fishing in the Mud

at 01:16 on 2013-09-13

I assume you mean "the revenues expected from bestselling books are a whole lot lower than the revenues expected from movie blockbusters".

Right, sorry about the word salad. Yesterday was a long day.

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http://elsurian.livejournal.com/

at 05:24 on 2013-09-13In the halcyon days of 2008

Jesus Christ, has this franchise really been around for 5 years?

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Cammalot

at 18:13 on 2013-09-13

Three Swedes walk into a schwa?

Hee.

I want to make some sort of vegetable-based pun now, but I got nothin'.

Jesus Christ, has this franchise really been around for 5 years?

And going on what, nine books? (Gotta admire the productivity.)

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Dan H

at 19:05 on 2013-09-13Is anybody else feeling really freaking old right about now?

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Cammalot

at 19:55 on 2013-09-13Yes!

(Although that's partly because at today's freelance gig, I just met a coworker who was born my first year of college.)

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Dan H

at 21:58 on 2013-09-13Ouch.

I'm particularly looking forward to our next couple of GCSE intakes, which will be the point at which I start working with people who were born in the 21st century.

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Fishing in the Mud

at 00:44 on 2013-09-14Yeah, I just found out half the people I report to directly at work are younger than I am.

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[linkinevents]

20 Foods to Consume on the Keto Diet

20 Foods to Consume on the Keto Diet The ketogenic diet plan's increasing appeal is mostly because of its prospective benefits for fat burning and blood sugar control (1Trusted Resource, 2Trusted Source, 3). Early evidence likewise recommends that this low carb, high fat diet might aid treat certain cancers cells, Alzheimer's disease, and various other health and wellness conditions. Still, higher quality research is still needed to establish the keto diet plan's long-term security as well as efficiency (1Trusted Source, 4Trusted Resource, 5, 6Trusted Source, 7Trusted Source, 8Trusted Source). The keto diet typically limits carbs to 20-- 50 grams each day. While some people on keto count their complete carb consumption, others count internet carbohydrates. Net carbohydrates describe total carbohydrates minus fiber. That's because fiber is indigestible, so it can't be damaged down as well as taken in by your body. This diet may seem challenging, however it permits individuals following it to consume several nourishing foods. Below are 20 healthy and balanced foods to eat on the keto diet plan. 1-- 3. Pet healthy proteins 1. Fish and shellfish Fish as well as shellfish are extremely keto-friendly. Salmon as well as various other fish are not just nearly carb-free yet likewise abundant in B vitamins, potassium, and also selenium (9Trusted Source). However, the carbohydrate count in shellfish differs by kind. While shrimp and also most crabs have no carbohydrates, oysters and octopus do. You can still consume these foods on the keto diet plan, but it is very important to thoroughly track these carbs to remain within your range (10Trusted Source, 11Trusted Source, 12Trusted Source, 13Trusted Resource). Additionally, salmon, sardines, mackerel, and also various other fatty fish are very high in omega-3 fats, which have actually been associated with reduced insulin degrees as well as increased insulin level of sensitivity in individuals who are overweight or have obesity (14Trusted Source). Frequent fish consumption is linked to enhanced brain health and a reduced danger of disease (15Trusted Source, 16Trusted Source). The American Heart Association advises that adults over 18 years old eat 8-- 10 ounces of fish and shellfish each week (17Trusted Resource). 2. Meat and fowl Meat and poultry are taken into consideration staple foods on the keto diet plan. Fresh meat and also poultry contain no carbs and also are abundant in B vitamins as well as several crucial minerals. They're likewise an excellent resource of excellent quality healthy protein, which may help protect muscular tissue mass during a very low carbohydrate diet (18Trusted Resource, 19Trusted Source, 20). One small research in older women discovered that a diet plan high in fatty meat led to 8% higher degrees of HDL (great) cholesterol than a low fat, high carbohydrate diet regimen (21Trusted Source). It might be best to pick grass-fed meat, if possible, considering that it has even more omega-3 fats and also conjugated linoleic acid (CLA) than meat from grain-fed animals (22Trusted Source, 23). 3. Eggs Eggs are an extremely healthy and balanced protein source. Because each huge egg consists of much less than 1 gram of carbs as well as about 6 grams of healthy protein, eggs can be optimal for keto (24Trusted Source). In addition, eggs have been revealed to cause hormonal agents that increase feelings of fullness (25Trusted Resource). It's important to eat entire eggs as opposed to egg whites given that the majority of an egg's nutrients are discovered in the yolk. This includes the anti-oxidants lutein and also zeaxanthin, which secure eye health (26Trusted Source). Although egg yolks are high in cholesterol, they do not appear to increase your danger of heart disease (27Trusted Resource). RECAP The majority of animal healthy proteins-- such as eggs, beef, pork, poultry, and seafood-- are reduced in carbohydrates and suitable for the keto diet. 4. Cheese There are hundreds of kinds of cheese, a lot of which are extremely low in carbohydrates and also high in fat, making them an excellent suitable for the keto diet regimen. Just 1 ounce (28 grams) of cheddar cheese supplies 1 gram of carbohydrates, 6 grams of protein, and also a good quantity of calcium (28Trusted Source). Cheese is high in saturated fat, however it hasn't been revealed to increase your threat of cardiovascular disease. In fact, some researches recommend that it might aid shield versus this condition (29Trusted Resource, 30). Cheese likewise has CLA, which has actually been linked to weight loss and also enhancements in body composition (31Trusted Resource). Furthermore, eating cheese on a regular basis may help in reducing the loss of muscular tissue mass and toughness that occurs with aging. A 12-week research study in older grownups located that those who ate 7 ounces (210 grams) of ricotta daily experienced much less loss of muscle mass and muscle stamina than those who didn't eat this amount of cheese (32Trusted Resource). Right here are some cheeses that are reduced in carbohydrates for a keto diet regimen. Keto cheese checklist blue cheese Brie Camembert cheddar chevre Colby jack home cheese lotion cheese feta goat cheese halloumi Havarti Limburger Manchego mascarpone mozzarella Muenster Parmesan pepper jack provolone Romano string cheese Swiss cheese 5. Ordinary Greek yogurt and also home cheese Plain Greek yogurt as well as cottage cheese are nutritious, high protein foods. While they contain some carbohydrates, you can consume them in small amounts on keto. Both yogurt and also home cheese have been shown to aid reduce cravings and also promote feelings of fullness (33, 34Trusted Source). Either one makes a delicious snack by itself, but you can integrate them with cut nuts, cinnamon, or other seasonings to make a fast keto treat. 6. Lotion and half-and-half Cream is made up of the fatty section of fresh milk that's separated out throughout milk handling. Half-and-half, on the other hand, is made from 50% cream and 50% whole milk Both of these milk items are really reduced in carbohydrates and high in fat, making them ideal for keto (35Trusted Source, 36Trusted Resource). Like various other fatty milk products, butter and cream are rich in CLA, which might advertise weight loss (31Trusted Source). Regardless of this, it is best to take pleasure in cream as well as half-and-half in small amounts. The American Heart Association 2021 nutritional support states that individuals ought to restrict foods high in saturated fat. Changing animal and also milk fat with plant-based sources of fat or polyunsaturated fats is linked with a reduced risk of heart disease as well as stroke (37Trusted Source). Some research studies have actually recommended that high fat dairy items may not be so carefully connected to cardiovascular disease. Others suggest that a modest consumption of high fat dairy may minimize your risk of cardiac arrest and stroke. Nevertheless, the proof stays undetermined (30Trusted Resource, 38, 39Trusted Resource). This is a location that remains to be under discussion and also can rely on many aspects, such as the degree of processing food has actually gone through (37Trusted Resource, 40Trusted Source). Lotion and also half-and-half are preferred options for contributing to coffee or making use of as keto choices to small amounts of milk in food preparation. 7. Unsweetened plant-based milk. Several ranges of plant-based milk are keto-friendly, consisting of soy, almond, and coconut milk (41Trusted Resource, 42Trusted Source, 43Trusted Source). You need to choose bitter variations. Sweetened options have excessive sugar to be taken into consideration suitable for keto. In addition, you ought to stay clear of oat milk, since even unsweetened oat milk is expensive in carbs to be keto-friendly (44Trusted Resource). SUMMARY Numerous sorts of dairy and also dairy choices are suitable for keto, including cheese, simple yogurt, home cheese, cream, half-and-half, as well as particular bitter plant milks. 4-- 7. Milk as well as dairy products choices 8-- 12. Vegetables 8. Green leafy veggies Green leafy veggies are very reduced in carbs, making them outstanding for keto. They're also abundant sources of vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants (45 ). Specifically, dark leafy environment-friendlies like spinach, kale, as well as collard eco-friendlies are packed with vitamin K and iron (45 ). Greens add mass to your dishes without considerably increasing the carb count. Furthermore, natural herbs such as oregano as well as rosemary add adequate flavor with virtually no carbs.

Here are some keto-friendly leafy eco-friendlies:

  Salad greens: lettuce, child spinach, arugula, escarole, as well as frisee Food preparation environment-friendlies: bok choy, collard environment-friendlies, mustard environment-friendlies, kale, spinach, Swiss chard, and also cabbage Herbs: thyme, sage, mint, oregano, dill, parsley, cilantro, basil, rosemary, and lemongrass 9. Peppers A number of selections of peppers exist, every one of which are suitable for the keto diet plan. While they're technically fruits, they're treated like vegetables in food preparation. Small hot peppers include spice to recipes, and jalapeños are suitable for making keto-friendly appetizers. You can utilize bigger, mild peppers such as bell peppers and also poblanos in numerous meals, or things them to make delicious low carb main courses. Peppers are likewise a rich resource of vitamin C. As an example, one bell pepper provides 107% of the day-to-day worth (DV) for vitamin C (46Trusted Source). 10. Summer season squash Summer season squashes, such as yellow squash as well as zucchini, are very versatile as well as reduced in carbs. In fact, zucchini is incredibly popular on keto. Using a spiralizer, you can make zucchini noodles, which are an exceptional substitute for pasta or noodles. You can grate zucchini to make a rice alternative or include it to baked items without influencing the taste. You can likewise slice it thinly making use of a mandoline, then toss it with olive oil, salt, and pepper to appreciate it as a chilly salad. 11. High fat veggies Avocados and also olives, while technically both fruits, are unique amongst veggies in that they're fairly high in fat. They likewise contain fiber as well as are reduced in web carbs (47Trusted Resource, 48Trusted Resource). Oleuropein, the major anti-oxidant in olives, has anti-inflammatory homes and may shield your cells from damage (49 ). Furthermore, one study located that individuals who consumed one avocado each day experienced enhancements in heart health and wellness risk factors, including lower degrees of LDL (bad) cholesterol (50Trusted Source). 12. Various other nonstarchy vegetables Numerous other nonstarchy vegetables are reduced in calories as well as carbohydrates yet filled with nutrients as well as anti-oxidants. What's even more, low carb veggies make terrific substitutes for high carb foods. For example, you can quickly transform low carb cauliflower into cauliflower rice or mashed cauliflower. Pasta squash functions as an all-natural option to spaghetti, and also low carbohydrate origin veggies such as jicama as well as turnips make wonderful alternative to baked potatoes or french fries. Below are a few other examples of keto-friendly veggies. Keto veggie checklist asparagus broccoli cabbage cauliflower mushrooms cucumber environment-friendly beans eggplant tomatoes spaghetti squash jicama radishes turnips Brussels sprouts celery okra Veggies to stay clear of on keto Keep in mind that not all vegetables are reduced in carbs. Some need to be prevented on keto, consisting of: potatoes and also wonderful potatoes onions (in big quantities). particular winter squashes, such as acorn squash and butternut squash. corn. beets. RECAP. You must eat plenty of nonstarchy veggies-- consisting of leafy greens, summer season squash, peppers, avocados, and also olives-- on keto. 13-- 16. Other plant-based foods. 13. Nuts and seeds. Nuts as well as seeds are healthy, high in fat, and also reduced in carbs. Frequent nut intake is connected to a lowered danger of heart disease, particular cancers, depression, and other persistent conditions (51Trusted Resource, 52). In addition, nuts as well as seeds are high in fiber, which can help you feel full and naturally reduced your calorie consumption (53Trusted Resource). Although many nuts as well as seeds are low in net carbohydrates, the quantity varies widely by kind. The most affordable in carbohydrates-- as well as consequently the very best for keto-- are (54Trusted Resource, 55Trusted Source, 56Trusted Source, 57Trusted Resource, 58Trusted Source, 59Trusted Resource):. almonds. macadamia nuts. pecans. walnuts. chia seeds. flaxseeds. 14. Berries. Many fruits are too high in carbohydrates to eat on the keto diet regimen, however berries are an exception. Berries, especially raspberries and strawberries, are reduced in carbohydrates as well as high in fiber. While blackberries as well as blueberries are reduced in carbohydrates than a few other fruits, they may not fit right into strict keto diets (60Trusted Source, 61Trusted Source, 62Trusted Resource, 63Trusted Resource). These tiny fruits are packed with anti-oxidants that might reduce inflammation as well as help protect versus illness (64Trusted Resource, 65Trusted Resource). 15. Shirataki noodles. Shirataki noodles are a wonderful enhancement to the keto diet regimen. They contain much less than 1 gram of web carbohydrates and also only 15 calories per serving since they're mostly water (66Trusted Source). These noodles are made from a viscous fiber called glucomannan, which offers many prospective wellness benefits (67, Trusted Source 68). Thick fiber develops a gel that reduces food's activity via your gastrointestinal tract. This can aid decrease cravings and also blood glucose spikes, which might help in weight management as well as diabetes mellitus monitoring (67Trusted Source, 68, 69). Shirataki noodles come in a selection of forms, consisting of rice, fettuccine, as well as linguine. You can exchange them for normal noodles in mostly all recipes. 16. Dark chocolate and chocolate powder. Dark chocolate and cocoa are scrumptious resources of anti-oxidants. Dark chocolate consists of flavanols, which may lower your risk of cardiovascular disease by decreasing high blood pressure and maintaining your arteries healthy and balanced (70Trusted Source, 71Trusted Resource, 72). Somewhat surprisingly, you can eat chocolate on keto. Nonetheless, it is essential to select dark chocolate that contains a minimum of 70% cocoa solids-- ideally extra-- as well as eat it in small amounts. RECAP. Other plant foods that are perfect for keto diets consist of berries, shirataki noodles, nuts, seeds, and also dark delicious chocolate. Fats and oils. 17. Olive oil. Olive oil provides excellent advantages for your heart. It's high in oleic acid, a monounsaturated fat that has actually been found to reduce cardiovascular disease danger factors (73Trusted Resource, 74Trusted Source.). Furthermore, extra-virgin olive oil is high in polyphenol anti-oxidants-- plant substances that additionally safeguard heart health and wellness by decreasing swelling and boosting artery function (75Trusted Source, 76Trusted Resource). As a pure fat resource, olive oil consists of no carbs. It's an optimal base for salad dressings and healthy mayo. Due to the fact that olive oil isn't as steady at high temperatures as saturated fats are, it's best to use olive oil for low warm food preparation or add it to recipes after they have actually been prepared. Various other outstanding plant-based oils to try on keto are coconut oil as well as avocado oil. 18. Butter and also ghee. Butter and also ghee are good fats to consist of while on the keto diet plan. Butter includes only trace quantities of carbohydrates, and also ghee is completely carb-free (77Trusted Resource, 78Trusted Resource). Ghee is made clear butter made by home heating butter and also eliminating the milk solids that rise to the top. It has a concentrated buttery taste and also is generally made use of in Indian cooking. Like other kinds of full fat milk, butter and also ghee do not seem as unsafe to health as formerly thought (30 ). RECAP. The best fats as well as oils for keto cooking as well as cooking are olive oil, butter, and also ghee. Avocado as well as coconut oils are great options too. 19-- 20. Beverages. 9. Unsweetened coffee and also tea. Coffee and tea are healthy, carb-free drinks. They include high levels of caffeine, which enhances your metabolism as well as may help boost your physical efficiency, awareness, and state of mind (79Trusted Resource, 80Trusted Resource, 81Trusted Resource). What's even more, coffee as well as tea enthusiasts have been revealed to have actually a substantially reduced risk of diabetic issues. In fact, those with the greatest coffee consumption have the most affordable danger, though a cause and effect relationship has actually not yet been identified (82 ). Including whipping cream to coffee or tea is fine, yet you'll require to prevent "light" coffee and tea lattes while on keto because they're commonly made with nonfat milk as well as high carb flavorings. 20. Unsweetened sparkling water. If you're seeking a keto-friendly choice to soft drink, bitter carbonated water is a fantastic selection. These beverages are refreshingly carbonated and also might be seasoned yet are usually devoid of sugar or sweeteners. For that reason, they have no calories or carbs (83Trusted Source). However, some ranges are flavored naturally with percentages of fruit juice, and these may contain carbs. Make certain to inspect the label, as extra carbohydrates can accumulate swiftly (84Trusted Source). RECAP. Read the full article

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Benefits of Cow Ghee and Cow Milk

Ghee is clarified butter that is obtained by heating unsalted butter till the time it gets clarified into isolated components – such as mik proteins, fat and lactose. The amount of moisture present in butter is taken out by warming it over low heat. This makes the fats from milk sink down to the bottom. It makes the pure fat combination minus any milk residues get left behind. Find out about some of the top benefits of Cow Ghee and Cow Milk, two of the top foods that are promoted in Ayurveda.

Helps lose weight If you wish to lose excess pounds from your body, it is not a good idea to completely get rid of fats from your daily diet. Rather, it is better that you opt for a more appropriate substitute – such as avocados or pure ghee. Ghee comprises omega-3 fatty acid and essential amino acids, which can be quite useful for you in losing the unwanted fat from the body. It has CLA or conjugated linoleic acid that aids in fat burning, and accelerating the pace of weight loss.

Protects the eyes There is a lot of Vitamin A present in milk, which makes it perfect for ocular health. The presence of the antioxidant called Carotenoid aids in the neutralization and removal of free radicals which damage the macular cells in the eyes. It can prevent macular degeneration as well as cataract development.

For clogged nose and boosting the immune system – No one likes a clogged nose nor the symptoms associated with it – breathing difficulty, headache and no sense of taste! Ayurveda has an interesting remedy to ease clogged nose; by using ghee as a nasal drop. Also, the presence of Butyric acid helps keep you warm from inside and thereby aids in the stimulation of T-cell production, which can supercharge your immune system to keep diseases at bay.

Fights inflammation – In general, inflammation can be considered as a normal immune response by the body to defend against foreign invaders, and this is considered okay in the normal course. But, when the inflammation remains for a prolonged time, it can lead to the development of chronic diseases, which can prove to be fatal. As per studies, consuming pure cow ghee has been shown to inhibit inflammation, and this is due to the presence of butyric acid, which is a short-chain fatty acid. Having this decreases inflammation in body parts like the gastrointestinal tract, and is recommended for people with ulcerative colitis. It is also beneficial in preventing diseases like arthritis, Alzheimers and diabetes.

Good for your heart – Most of us believe that ghee is guilty of raising cholesterol levels but on the contrary, pure form of it is much safer when compared to normal cooking oils. Unlike long-chain fatty acids, fats in it are used directly by the cells without being stored as energy. As per nutritionists, ghee can be consumed in small quantities as a source of saturated fats. Studies have pointed out that ghee aids in increasing good cholesterol and reducing bad cholesterol.

Great for your skin – Ghee has been a part of beauty care rituals since ages. Presence of vital fatty acids makes it a natural nourishing agent that can do wonders for your skin. Pure cow ghee can make your skin soft and supple by hydrating the skin cells. Ghee is a miracle solution for rashes, burns and dark circles around the eye. During the dry winters, applying ghee on lips can make them soft and hydrated.

Source of energy – Pure desi cow ghee is a great source of energy. It contains medium and short chain fatty acids which are assimilated, absorbed and metabolized very easily. Lauric acid present in ghee is a potent antimicrobial and antifungal substance. Having a spoonful of ghee before hitting the gym will help in preventing the feeling of depletion, which is common between workout sessions. The Punjabi treat ‘pinni’, which is made from pure cow ghee, wheat flour, jaggery, and almonds, is relished across entire northern India, and is known not just for its taste but also for its energy boosting abilities.

According to nutritionists, swapping ghee with refined oils might be one of the greatest blunders of modern cooking. So it’s high time that we go back to the ancestral way of cooking and make pure cow ghee a part of our daily diet.

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