#ChildProof

[a-new-nobody]

EPISODE ONE

[Theme song plays, and the screen fades from the title to the main set. A living room, nice and decorated, with three people on the couch. Diamond sitting on one end, Sunny on the other, with Lamb draped across their laps.]

LAMB “And then she was like "Well I wanted to play with it first!" And I said "But, it’s my toy! And that’s when the teacher came over!!”

DIAMOND “Now, Lamb, what did we tell you about sharing?”

SUN “You shouldn’t be greedy. Next time, maybe you could play with that toy together?”

[Diamond nods in agreement with his husband.]

LAMB “But she was being unfair! She wanted it, and that’s practically stealing!”

[Laugh track plays.]

DIAMOND “It’s not stealing, that would be only if they didn’t give it back to you. Did you try to talk it out first?”

LAMB “Well! …No.. I guess not…”

SUN “Try it, you might like sharing. Maybe you’ll even find a friend this way."

DIAMOND “You need friends or you'll end up like me.”

[Diamond glances at Sun, then looks back down to Lamb.]

LAMB “Hmph.. fine, Papa. Also, I wanna be like Dada! You and Papa are cool!”

[Lamb giggles, looking at Diamond fully.]

DIAMOND “I might seem cool, but my life is nothing to aspire to. Uh, it's not something to want to have.”

[Sun ruffles Lamb’s hair with a fond expression.]

SUN “You can be even better than us when you grow up.”

LAMB “Okay Papa. Sooo, what’s for dinner? I’m hungry!”

SUN “Dinner? Oh, well let's see.”

[Sunny gets up and walks to the kitchen. Camera change. He opens a fridge, and is blinded by its emptiness. It shines brightly in his face for a bit until he closes it and goes back to the living room. Camera change.]

SUN “It looks like a big shiny nothing on our plate today!”

[Laugh track plays. Diamond sighs, shaking his head.]

DIAMOND “I thought you were getting food yesterday! I told you to go out and get food.”

LAMB “I can make dinner!”

[Lamb runs out of the room towards their bedroom. Beat. They return holding a plate of velcro ‘foods’, giggling furiously.]

DIAMOND “Lamb chop, that’s not edible. We need real food.”

[Diamond sighs again, getting up off the couch. He side-eyes Sun in annoyance.]

DIAMOND “And since Papa can’t seem to get it on his own, it looks like I will have to go.”

SUN “Oh right. I'm sorry I didn't get it yesterday. But I can help you with it today to make up for that!”

DIAMOND “Well, you’ve gotta make up for it somehow.”

[Diamond folds his arms. Lamb looks around, hesitant to stop playing to go to the boring store.]

LAMB “I can stay here! I’ll be good, I promise, Papa and Dada can go shopping!”

SUN “We’ll be back soon! Keep that promise, play with your toys for a bit, and you won’t even notice any time passed.”

DIAMOND “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t.”

[Diamond opens the upstage door and gestures for Sun to go first. Sun gives Lamb a little wave before stepping outside. Beyond the door is bright light, presumably sunlight, but from this angle the camera doesn’t pick up anything else. Diamond exits after.]

[Car engine revs off camera.]

[Lamb just walks to their room, crayons and paper spread across the floor as they lay down on their stomach and begin drawing. Several minutes pass until Lamb decides that they want to color in the living room. So, they pick up all their crayons and paper and relocate. Once they settle down, they begin to color again.]

LAMB “Hmm.. Okay, this needs to be green!!! ... Wait where’s my green crayon? Hmphh....”

[They grumble, running back to their room. Running so quick in fact, that they do not notice the green crayon on the floor. And so it begins. They slip on the crayon, landing almost face first. It takes them a few seconds to process what just happened, before they start to cry.]

[Car engine revs off camera.]

[Diamond enters through the upstage door, carrying several plastic bags, and drops them to rush over to Lamb.]

DIAMOND “What did you do?”

[Sun enters through the same door, echoing Diamond’s actions with a softer tone.]

SUN “Hey, are you alright? What happened?”

[Lamb is still crying, holding their scraped and bleeding knee.]

LAMB “Wanted my crayon, but I tripped a-and-”

[Lamb sobs louder, looking up at their parents.]

SUN “It’s alright, it happens to everyone! Shh, don’t cry, we’re here now and we’ll help you. What should we do?”

[Sun’s question is directed to Diamond.]

DIAMOND “I’ll get the bandages, you deal with the-

[Diamond gestures towards the crying child.]

DIAMOND “-girly stuff.”

[Laugh track plays. Diamond walks off camera as Lamb wails, reaching for Sun. Sunny hugs his kid, sitting down and lifts them up to sit on his knees, holding them close. He pats their back as he feels tears making his shoulder wet. His hands are shaking a little but it's near unnoticeable on camera.]

SUN “You're very brave, you know that? Just stay patient a little bit, we'll get you fixed up and you'll be as good as new, okay? Don't cry, you're safe now.”

LAMB “Yes Papa..”

[Sun hums an indistinct song to calm Lamb down, still holding them close and waiting for Diamond’s return.]

[Diamond enters with bandages.]

DIAMOND “Let me see.”

[Lamb extends their leg to let Diamond see the scrape. Sun lets them move, but holds them on his lap.]

DIAMOND “That’s not bad. You’ll get over it.”

[Diamond puts a Showfall-themed bandage on the small scrape. Camera focuses on Lamb.]

LAMB “Thank you, Dada, thank you Papa. I promise I’ll be more careful next time.”

[Lamb turns back around to hug Sun again, and the screen fades to black.]

Fin

[hetch-remains]

My apologies, Viewers. Due to an unforeseen mishap in Episode Two, we may have to push back filming Episode Three.

Please stand by while we resolve our technical issues.

[vintagepromotions]

Advertisement for Simoniz vinyl floor wax (1959).

[sock-to-the-third]

It’s like if you hear hoof beats, it’s safe to assume that it’s horses. Not zebras. […] That’s also true for parenting.

from Childproof Podcast, Episode: Is it A Zebra? Or Horses?

[roostro]

That's a door handle/lever, not a doorknob

You fucking knob.

[icecreamnstickyfingers]

How to Childproof Your Home

[alexli-xmc]

XMCVAPE 18000 Puffs Disposable Vape with Display

[the-twst-cast-needs-therapy]

"wow I love the special abilities in TWST!"

The special abilities in question:

Part 2

Part 3

[containerista]

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[thebestunpaidintern]

okay, what the fuck? who the hell wrote this, and why the hell are they putting CHILDREN through this. istg writing department or whatever the hell showfall has, you're all horrible. this is horrible. jesus christ.

EPISODE TWO

[Theme song plays, and the screen fades from the title to the set. A bathroom this time, Diamond and Sunny and in the room, Diamond knelt over the edge of the tub that was at the back of the room. Sunny was a bit off to the side.] DIAMOND “I’m filling up the tub now! The sooner you get in the sooner you can get out.” LAMB (from off screen) “No!! I’m not dirty!!” [Lamb enters the room from a door on the left side of the screen, visibly covered in mud. Laugh track plays. Diamond frowns.] DIAMOND “You’re filthy. Don’t make me hold you down and wash you myself.” [Sunny smiles at Lamb.] SUNNY “Come on it’s not that bad, it won’t take long until you can go play again.” LAMB “Papa, not you too!? Uaghhh… Fine…” [Lamb kicked something invisible on the ground, grumbling.] SUNNY “Yes, me too. HM, maybe this will make it better?” [Sunny takes a rubber duck from behind his back and squeaks it in demonstration. Lamb looks awestruck by the duck.] SUNNY “He’s yours if you get in the bath!”

LAMB “Woah… how’d you do that?! Okay!!” [Diamond picks Lamb up and puts them in the tub.] DIAMOND “You spoil them too much. Lamb’s always going to fight if you keep giving them rewards.” [Sunny gives Lamb the rubber duck, then turns to diamond half whispering to them. It is still very audible on the mic.] SUNNY “Don’t worry, it’s the same exact duck each time anyway.” [Diamond sighs, also stage whispering.] DIAMOND “Still, Lamb needs to learn to listen to us, not just because there’s a duck.” [Lamb is giggling and playing with the duck, splashing it around in the Tub.] LAMB “Look at Mr.Ducky!! He can fly!!” DIAMOND “That’s great. Don’t forget to actually wash yourself while you’re playing.” LAMB “I won’t!! You’re no fun dada…” [Lamb frowns, grumbling their words.] DIAMOND “Yeah yeah, I’m the meanie. Now, you need to learn how to wash yourself, so let’s give Lamb some space.” SUNNY “Yeah, you’re right, maybe they’ll find it to be easier or more fun this way too.” [Sunny stepped through the door on the left, and Diamond followed.] [Lamb washed themself off, played with their ducky at first. However as time dragged on, Lamb found themself bored. They had played their games with Mr Ducky, and now they needed a new one.] LAMB “Hm… What can we play..? Ooo!! I know!! Lets see who can hold their breath the longest!!” [Lamb giggled, took a deep breath, held ducky and plugged their nose. They went under the water. At first, they held Ducky down so he had a bit of a chance, then they let Ducky go. Lamb decided that they weren’t done. So they kept going.] [At some point, Lamb forgets they can't breathe underwater. They open their mouth, shocked when water fills it as they breathe in. In their shock, they unplug their nose and breathe in more water. They feel the water fill their lungs, a crushing weight in the poor kid’s chest. They come up, unable to cough it all up. Within the minute, they lose their consciousness, and float, hung up in the water. But hey, at least they won!] [Diamond comes in not much later, quickly followed by Sunny.] DIAMOND “See Lamb, bath time isn’t so bad.” [Lamb didn’t respond.] DIAMOND “Lamb?” SUNNY “You can go and play- wait what..?” DIAMOND “Lamb Chop this isn’t funny.” [Diamond lifted Lamb’s limp body out of the water.] DIAMOND “Answer me when I call your name.” SUNNY “I don’t- I don’t think they can.” [Sunny’s staring in shock.] SUNNY “We- we gotta do something. You have to do something!” DIAMOND “They're just being stubborn again, probably upset that I made them take a bath. If you think something needs to be done then why don't you do it? I swear it's like you have me do everything in this house.” SUNNY “Wouldn't they answer? There has to be a reason they aren't talking, they talk all the time. The duck got their tongue?” [Sunny looks very uncertain about this situation. Worry across his face.] DIAMOND “You know that Lamb has their moments. They’ll drop it when they realize they aren’t getting the response they want.” [Diamond carried Lamb towards the door, the body moving like a ragdoll.] SUNNY “You’re right. This just doesn’t feel right, but I’m probably overreacting! Yeah, that must be it. Emotions getting the best of me.” [Sunny shakes their body a bit, smiling slightly again. The family leaves the bathroom, and the screen fades to black.] Fin

[angryraptor13]

The beloved heathens who are my cats have figured out how to turn on my kitchen sink. Unfortunately, it's got one of those fancy lever handles & I couldn't find a child lock that would fit it, so here is my attempt to thwart their mischief:

Uses:

2 Velcro Command strips (usually for hanging pictures)

About 10-12" of Velcro strap (has hooks on one side & soft loops on the other)

The Velcro strap wraps around the handle & is held in place with the Velcro Command strips. With the strap in place, I can't wiggle it enough to turn the sink on, and the Velcro is fairly easy to put on & take off. It looks kinda MacGyvered, but the Command strips *should* be removable without damaging the faucet 🤞

[limaakter]

How to Make Your Home Safe for Your Kid?

Babyproofing and childproofing are important measures for parents to take in order to keep their children safe and secure in their own homes. These safety measures help to prevent accidents and injuries, ensuring that your child can explore their environment in a safe and secure manner.

There are a number of different products and safety measures that can be used for baby-proofing and childproofing, including baby gates, cabinet locks, outlet covers, corner protectors, baby monitors, car seat safety, bed rails, and baby-proof door knob covers.

[hetch-remains]

The revival of a child is not as straightforward as it seems, and we are experiencing issues with both actor and machinery that did not immediately make themselves apparent. Thank you for your patience.

[custardfist]

RANDOM FLUFF #6 🚫

This got a few laughs at the pub... from me. 😚

[showfall-media-company]

Looks like the parents weren't too SHARP this time! Unlike that knife!

EPISODE THREE

[Theme song plays, and the screen fades from the title to the kitchen set that was briefly seen in the first episode.]

SUNNY

“You must be hungry from being so active today Lamb! We're about to start making dinner, are you ready?”

DIAMOND

“You need to wash your hands before dealing with any food though.”

LAMB

“Very very ready!! Okay!! I will now.... wash my hands!”

[Lamb giggles and starts to run towards the sink. Diamond picked them up so they could reach the sink.]

DIAMOND

“Sunny, can you get the stool for Lamb?”

SUNNY

“Sure, I can do that.”

[Sunny does what he’s told, getting the stool and placing it under lamb’s feet.]

SUNNY

“Emergency platform ready.”

LAMB

“Yay! Okay, wash… hands.”

[Lamb turns on the water and gets some soap.]

LAMB

“Soooooo what are we doin’ for dinner dads?”

SUNNY

“Let’s see what we have in the fridge.”

[Sunny opens the fridge to reveal a plate of meat and nothing else in it.]

SUNNY

“We’re having… lamb!”

[Laugh track plays.]

DIAMOND

“I don’t know how much our Lamb can help cooking lamb chops.”

LAMB

“Woah! Just lamb?? That’s so cool!! That’s me!!”

[Lamb giggles, turning the water off and hopping off the stool, which Diamond then moves to the middle island. At the same time Sunny takes the plate out of the fridge and closes it.]

SUNNY

“Well, what could we do with just this? We don’t have anything else.”

[Lamb stands back up on the stool. Now looking lost in thought, but clearly ready to help. A laugh track plays.]

DIAMOND

“Are you sure you looked hard enough?”

[Diamond walked over to the fridge, there was a plate of mixed vegetables in the center, almost exactly where the lamb had been. Diamond shook his head in disappointment.]

DIAMOND

“I can’t trust you to see anything. Did you lose your eyesight staring into the sun, Sunny?”

[Laugh track plays.]

SUNNY

“Oh! Yeah, I might’ve, sorry. Now we can make a full meal.”

[Sunny looks down at the plate of lamb he’s still holding.

SUNNY

“This could be good if we grill it?”

DIAMOND

“Grilled lamb would be good.”

[Diamond grabbed the plate of vegetables and set it down in front of Lamb.]

DIAMOND

“In the meantime why don’t you make us a salad?”

LAMB

“Woah, I get to make the salad?! By myself?! That’s awesome!!”

[Lamb giggles and jumps up and down on the stool.]

DIAMOND

“Careful, we don’t want you falling now.”

[Diamond warned as they grabbed out a small knife that was barely sharper than a butter knife. Lamb visibly pouts as they look at the knife]

LAMB

“Awh, this is no fun!! This won’t cut stuff!!”

SUNNY

“Yeah, but it will be safe.”

[Sunny turns to Diamond.]

SUNNY

“You will help me with the grill, right? I couldn’t figure out how it works.”

[Diamond sighs loudly and shakes his head.]

DIAMOND

“Of course. You’re way too womanly to know how to work a grill.”

[Laugh track plays.]

[Sunny goes to the door and opens but doesn’t go through until Diamond starts to walk towards him.]

LAMB

“Have fun dads!!!! I’m gonna make the bestest salad ever!!”

DIAMOND

“I’m sure you will. Just be careful.”

[Diamond leaves the room. Lamb starts making “The Bestest Salad Ever” grabbing all the vegetables they need and washing them, but when they start to try to cut they can’t get through anything. Despite their recent clumsiness they move the stool to grab a better knife.]

LAMB

“Okay… stool… grab knife, cut the foods ‘n then put it back!! Easy peasy!!”

[Lamb giggles as they pull out a sharp knife. They move the stool back in place and start cutting the food with no issue.]

[A buzzing is picked up on the mic as a little black dot flies around Lamb.]

LAMB

“Go. Away, you meanie bug!!”

[Lamb swats at it using the knife. Eventually it slips, cutting Lamb’s arm on the way down.]

LAMB

“... Uh oh…”

[Tears began to well in their eyes. Moments later Diamond and Sunny re-entered the room. Diamond looking away from where Lamb is, and Sunny’s view being almost perfectly blocked by his husband.]

DIAMOND

“I still don’t get why you struggled with that. It’s basically a child’s toy, it's so simple.”

SUNNY

“Maybe you’re just that good at it!”

[Lamb is sat on the stool, looking at the cut on their arm, still holding back tears but now sniffling. Diamond and Sunny turn at the noise seeing Lamb and the knife that’s on the floor next to them.]

DIAMOND

“What did I say about being safe?! I gave you the dull knife for a reason! Now you're getting your clothes all bloody.”

[Diamond picks up the knife and throws it into the sink, making a loud clanging noise.]

LAMB

“M sorry dada… jus wanted to make the salad ‘n then it wouldn’t cut, so I needed a better knife ‘n then there was a bug…”

SUNNY

“Oh no, are you okay?”

[Sunny rushes over to Lamb, sitting next to them. Lamb leans on Sunny right away and starts crying.]

SUNNY

“Shhh don’t cry, I know it hurts but it will be over soon, okay?”

LAMB

“Hurts… papa it hurts… I’m sorry…”

[Diamond leaves the room, but out the opposite side of the room from where they entered.]

SUNNY

“It’s alright, maybe you shouldn’t have done that, but we can just fix this and you’ll be alright. Just please don’t do that again, okay?”

LAMB

“I won’t… I promise…”

[Diamond comes back in with a box of band-aids and a wet cloth. He washes off Lamb’s arm, dries it, then puts on a Showfall Media branded band-aid. His mouth opens to speak, but is quickly clamped down.]

LAMB

“Dinner time now? ‘M hungry…”

[Diamond walked back to the other room.]

SUNNY

“Sure, let’s go eat now. You want me to carry you?”

LAMB

“No papa, I’m okay. Dinner time!”

[The screen fades to black as they walk off.]

Fin.