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mostlysignssomeportents · 21 days ago

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All the books I reviewed in 2024

I reviewed 26 books this year: 15 novels, 5 nonfiction books, and 6 graphic novels. Even though I feel perennially behind on my reading (and objectively, I do have 10 linear feet of "to be read" books on the shelf), I think this is a pretty good haul.

Books are pretty much the ideal gift, if you ask me. Of course, I'm biased as a former bookseller and library worker, and as an author (of course) – I had three more books come out in 2024 (see the end of this post for details).

I started a lot more than 26 books this year. Long ago, I figured life was too short for books I wasn't enjoying, and I'm pretty ruthless about putting books down partway through if I think they're not going to reward finishing them. I probably start 10 books for every one I finish. However, I do review more than 90% of the books I get through. It's rare for me to keep reading a book all the way to the end if I'm not enjoying it enough to unconditionally recommend it. I rarely review books I don't like – there's not really any point in cataloging the list of books I think you won't enjoy reading, and most books I don't like very much are broken in ways that are too banal to comment upon.

The list below is pretty great, but if you're looking for more, here's the haul from 2023:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/01/bookmaker/#2023-in-review

NOVELS

I. Cahokia Jazz by Francis Spufford

A fucking banger: it's a taut, unguessable whuddunit, painted in ultrablack noir, set in an alternate Jazz Age in a world where indigenous people never ceded most the west to the USA. It's got gorgeously described jazz music, a richly realized modern indigenous society, and a spectacular romance. It's amazing.

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/04/cahokia/#the-sun-and-the-moon

II. After World by Debbie Urbanski

An unflinching and relentlessly bleak tale of humanity's mass extinction, shot through with pathos and veined with seams of tragic tenderness and care. Sen Anon – the story's semi-protagonist – is 18 years old when the world learns that every person alive has been sterilized and so the human race is living out its last years.

The news triggers a manic insistence that this is a good thing – long overdue, in fact – and the perfect opportunity to scan every person alive for eventual reincarnation as virtual humans in an Edenic cloud metaverse called Gaia. That way, people can continue to live their lives without the haunting knowledge that everything they do makes the planet worse for every other living thing, and each other. Here, finally, is the resolution to the paradox of humanity: our desire to do good, and our inevitable failure on that score.

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/18/storyworker-ad39-393a-7fbc/#digital-human-archive-project

III. Jonathan Abernathy You Are Kind by Molly McGhee

A dreamlike tale of a public-private partnership that hires the terminally endebted to invade the dreams of white-collar professionals and harvest the anxieties that prevent them from being fully productive members of the American corporate workforce.

We meet Jonathan as he is applying for a job that he was recruited for in a dream. As instructed in his dream, he presents himself at a shabby strip-mall office where an acerbic functionary behind scratched plexiglass takes his application and informs him that he is up for a gig run jointly by the US State Department and a consortium of large corporate employers. If he is accepted, all of his student debt repayments will be paused and he will no longer face wage garnishment. What's more, he'll be doing the job in his sleep, which means he'll be able to get a day job and pull a double income – what's not to like?

https://pluralistic.net/2024/01/08/capitalist-surrealism/#productivity-hacks

IV. The Book of Love by Kelly Link

If you've read Link's short stories (which honestly, you must read), you know her signature move: a bone-dry witty delivery, used to spin tales of deceptive whimsy and quirkiness, disarming you with daffiness while she sets the hook and yanks. That's the unmistakeable, inimitable texture of a Kelly Link story: deft literary brushstrokes, painting a picture so charming and silly that you don't even notice when she cuts you without mercy.

Turns out that she can quite handily do this for hundreds of pages, and the effect only gets better when it's given space to unfold.

It's a long and twisting mystery about friendship, love, queerness, rock-and-roll, stardom, parenthood, loyalty, lust and duty.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/13/the-kissing-song/#wrack-and-roll

V. Lyorn by Steven Brust

The seventeenth book in Steven Brust's long-running Vlad Taltos series. For complicated reasons, Vlad has to hide out in a theater. Why a theater? They are shielded from sorcery, as proof against magical spying by rival theater companies, and Vlad is on the run from the Left Hand of the Jhereg – the crime syndicate's all-woman sorceress squad – and so he has to hide in the theater.

The theater is mounting a production of a famous play that's about another famous play. The first famous play (the one the play is about – try and follow along, would you?) is about a famous massacre that took place thousands of years before. The play was mounted as a means of drumming up support for the whistleblower who reported on the massacre and was invited to a short-term berth in the Emperor's death row as a consequence.

The plot is a fantastic, fast-handed caper story that has a million moving parts, a beautiful prestige, and a coup de grace that'll have you cheering and punching the air.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/04/09/so-meta/#delightful-doggerel

VI. Till Human Voices Wake Us by Rebecca Roque

A teen murder mystery told in the most technorealist way. Cia's best friend Alice has been trying to find her missing boyfriend for months, and in her investigation, she's discovered their small town's dark secret – a string of disappearances, deaths and fires that are the hidden backdrop to the town's out-of-control addiction problem.

Alice has something to tell Cia, something about the fire that orphaned her and cost her one leg when she was only five years old, but Cia refuses to hear it. Instead, they have a blazing fight, and part ways. It's the last time Cia and Alice ever see each other: that night, Alice kills herself.

Or does she? Cia is convinced that Alice has been murdered, and that her murder is connected to the drug- and death-epidemic that's ravaging their town. As Cia and her friends seek to discover the town's secret – and the identity of Alice's killer – we're dragged into an intense, gripping murder mystery/conspiracy story that is full of surprises and reversals, each more fiendishly clever than the last.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/04/16/dead-air/#technorealism

VII. The Steerswoman by Rosemary Kirstein

Randall "XKCD" Munroe pitched me on this over dinner: "All these different people kept recommending them to me, and they kept telling me that I would love them, but they wouldn't tell me what they were about because there's this huge riddle in them that's super fun to figure out for yourself. "The books were published in the eighties by Del Rey, and the cover of the first one had a huge spoiler on it. But the author got the rights back and she's self-published it."

How could I resist a pitch like that? So I ordered a copy. Holy moly is this a good novel! And yeah, there's a super interesting puzzle in it that I won't even hint at, except to say that even the book's genre is a riddle that you'll have enormous great fun solving.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/05/04/the-wulf/#underground-fave

VIII. Moonbound by Robin Sloan

Moonbound's protagonist is a "chronicler," a symbiotic fungus engineered to nestle in a human's nervous system, where it serves as a kind of recording angel, storing up the memories, experiences and personalities of its host. When we meet the chronicler, it has just made a successful leap from its old host – a 10,000-years-dead warrior who had been preserved in an anaerobic crashpod ever since her ship was shot out of the sky – into the body of Ariel, a 12-year-old boy who had just invaded the long-lost tomb.

This is doing fiction in hard mode, and Sloan nails it. The unraveling strangeness of Ariel's world is counterpointed with the amazing tale of the world the chronicler hails from, even as the chonicler consults with the preserved personalities of the heroes and warriors it had previous resided in and recorded.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/06/11/penumbraverse/#middle-anth

IX. Fight Me by Austin Grossman

Aging ex-teen superheroes weigh the legacy of Generation X, in a work that enrobes its savage critique with sweet melancholia, all under a coating of delicious snark. The Newcomers – an amped-up ninja warrior, a supergenius whose future self keeps sending him encouragement and technical schematics backwards through time, and an exiled magical princess turned preppie supermodel – have spent more than a decade scattered to the winds. While some have fared better than others, none of them have lived up to their potential or realized the dreams that seemed so inevitable when they were world famous supers with an entourage of fellow powered teens who worshipped them as the planet's greatest heroes.

As they set out to solve the mystery of the wizard who gave the protagonist his powers, they are reunited and must take stock of who they are and how they got there (cue Talking Heads' "Once In a Lifetime").

The publisher's strapline for this book is "The Avengers Meets the Breakfast Club," which is clever, but extremely wrong. The real comp for this book isn't "The Breakfast Club," it's "The Big Chill."

https://pluralistic.net/2024/07/01/the-big-genx-chill/#im-super-thanks-for-asking

X. Glass Houses by Madeline Ashby

Kristen is the "Chief Emotional Manager" for Wuv, a hot startup that has defined the new field of "affective computing," which is when a computer tells you what everyone else around you is really feeling, based on the irrepressible tells emitted by their bodies, voices and gadgets.

Managing Sumter through Wuv's tumultuous launch is hard work for Kristen, but at last, it's paid off. The company has been acquired, making Kristen – and all her coworkers on the founding core team – into instant millionaires. They're flying to a lavish celebration in an autonomous plane that Sumter chartered when the action begins: the plane has a malfunction and crashes into a desert island, killing all but ten of the Wuvvies.

As the survivors explore the island, they discover only one sign of human habitation: a huge, brutalist, featureless black glass house, which initially rebuffs all their efforts to enter it. But once they gain entry, they discover that the house is even harder to leave.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/08/13/influencers/#affective-computing

XI. The Sapling Cage by Margaret Killjoy

A queer coming-of-age tale in the mode of epic fantasy. Lorel wants to be a witch, but that's the very last of the adventurous trades to be strictly gender-segregated. Boys and girls alike run away to be knights, brigands and sailors, but only girls can become a witch. Indeed, Lorel's best friend, Lane, is promised to the witches, having been born to a witch herself.

Lorel has signed up for witching just as the land is turning against witches, thanks to a political plot by a scheming duchess who has scapegoated the witches as part of a plan to annex all the surrounding duchies, re-establishing the long-disintegrated kingdom with herself on the throne. To make things worse (for the witches, if not the duchess), there's a plague of monsters on the land, and the forests are blighted with a magical curse that turns trees to unmelting ice. This all softens up the peasantfolk for anti-witch pogroms.

So Lorel has to learn witching, even as her coven is fighting both monsters and the duchess's knights and the vigilante yokels who've been stirred up with anti-witch xenophobia.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/09/24/daughters-of-the-empty-throne/#witchy

XII. Blackheart Man by Nalo Hopkinson

A story that will make you drunk on language, on worldbuilding, and on its roaring, relentless plot. The action is set on Chynchin, a fantastic Caribbean island (or maybe Caribbeanesque – it's never clear whether this is some magical, imaginary world, or some distant future of our own). Chynchin is a multiracial, creole land with a richly realized gift economy that Hopkinson deftly rounds out with a cuisine, languages, and familial arrangements.

Chynchin was founded through a slave rebellion, in which the press-ganged soldiers of the iron-fisted Ymisen empire were defeated by three witches who caused them to be engulfed in tar that they magicked into a liquid state just long enough to entomb them, then magicked back into solidity. For generations, the Ymisen have tolerated Chynchin's self-rule, but as the story opens, a Ymisen armada sails into Chynchin's port and a "trade envoy" announces that it's time for the Chynchin to "voluntarily" re-establish trade with the Ymisen.

The story that unfolds is a staple of sf and fantasy: the scrappy resistance mounted against the evil empire, and this familiar backdrop is a sturdy scaffold to support Hopkinson's dizzying, phantasmagoric tale of psychedelic magic, possessed children, military intrigue, musicianship and sexual entanglements.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/08/20/piche/#cynchin

XIII. Julia by Sandra Newman

Julia is the kind of fanfic that I love, in the tradition of both The Wind Done Gone and Rosencrantz and Gildenstern Are Dead, in which a follow-on author takes on the original author's throwaway world-building with deadly seriousness, elucidating the weird implications and buried subtexts of all the stuff and people moving around in the wings and background of the original.

For Newman, the starting point here is Julia, an enigmatic lover who comes to Winston with all kinds of rebellious secrets – tradecraft for planning and executing dirty little assignations and acquiring black market goods. Julia embodies a common contradiction in the depiction of young women (she is some twenty years younger than Winston): on the one hand, she is a "native" of the world, while Winston is a late arrival, carrying around all his "oldthink" baggage that leaves him perennially baffled, terrified and angry; on the other hand, she's a naive "girl," who "doesn't much care for reading," and lacks the intellectual curiosity that propels Winston through the text.

This contradiction is the cleavage line that Newman drives her chisel into, fracturing Orwell's world in useful, fascinating, engrossing ways. Through Julia's eyes, we experience Oceania as a paranoid autocracy, corrupt and twitchy. We witness the obvious corollary of a culture of denunciation and arrest: the ruling Party of such an institution must be riddled with internecine struggle and backstabbing, to the point of paralyzed dysfunction. The Orwellian trick of switching from being at war with Eastasia to Eurasia and back again is actually driven by real military setbacks – not just faked battles designed to stir up patriotic fervor. The Party doesn't merely claim to be under assault from internal and external enemies – it actually is.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/09/28/novel-writing-machines/#fanfic

XIV. The Wilding by Ian McDonald

McDonald's first horror novel, and it's fucking terrifying. It's set in a rural Irish peat bog that has been acquired by a conservation authority that is rewilding it after a century of industrial peat mining that stripped it back nearly to the bedrock. This rewilding process has been greatly accelerated by the covid lockdowns, which reduced the human footprint in the conservation area to nearly zero.

Lisa's last duty before she leaves the bog and goes home to Dublin is leading a school group on a wild campout in one of the bog's deep clearings. It's a routine assignment, and while it's not her favorite duty, it's also not a serious hardship.

But as the group hikes out to the campsite, one of her fellow guides is killed, without warning, by a mysterious beast that moves so quickly they can barely make out its monstrous form. Thus begins a tense, mysterious, spooky as hell story of survival in a haunted woods, written in the kind of poesy that has defined McDonald's career, and which – when deployed in service of terror – has the power to raise literal goosebumps.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/10/25/bogman/#erin-go-aaaaaaargh

XV. Polostan by Neal Stephenson

Not a spy novel, but a science fiction novel about spies in an historical setting. This isn't to say that Stephenson tramples on, or ignores spy tropes: this is absolutely a first-rate spy novel. Nor does Stephenson skimp on the lush, gorgeously realized and painstakingly researched detail you'd want from an historical novel.

Polostan raises the curtain on the story of Dawn Rae Bjornberg, AKA Aurora Maximovna Artemyeva, whose upbringing is split between the American West in the early 20th century and the Leningrad of revolutionary Russia (her parents are an American anarchist and a Ukrainian Communist who meet when her father travels to America as a Communist agitator). Aurora's parents' marriage does not survive their sojourn to the USSR, and eventually Aurora and her father end up back in the States, after her father is tasked with radicalizing the veterans of the Bonus Army that occupied DC, demanding the military benefits they'd been promised.

All of this culminates in her return sojourn to the Soviet Union, where she first falls under suspicion of being an American spy, and then her recruitment as a Soviet spy.

Also: she plays a lot of polo. Like, on a horse.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/11/04/bomb-light/#nukular

NONFICTION

I. A City on Mars by Kelly and Zach Weinersmith

Biologist Kelly Weinersmith and cartoonist Zach Weinersmith set out to investigate the governance challenges of the impending space settlements they were told were just over the horizon. Instead, they discovered that humans aren't going to be settling space for a very long time, and so they wrote a book about that instead.

The Weinersmiths make the (convincing) case that every aspect of space settlement is vastly beyond our current or reasonably foreseeable technical capability. What's more, every argument in favor of pursuing space settlement is errant nonsense. And finally: all the energy we are putting into space settlement actually holds back real space science, which offers numerous benefits to our species and planet (and is just darned cool).

https://pluralistic.net/2024/01/09/astrobezzle/#send-robots-instead

II. Dark Wire by Joseph Cox

Cox spent years on the crimephone beat, tracking vendors who sold modded phones (first Blackberries, then Android phones) to criminal syndicates with the promise that they couldn't be wiretapped by law-enforcement.

He tells the story of the FBI's plan to build an incredibly secure, best-of-breed crimephone, one with every feature that a criminal would want to truly insulate themselves from law enforcement while still offering everything a criminal could need to plan and execute crimes.

This is really two incredible tales. The first is the story of the FBI and its partners as they scaled up Anom, their best-of-breed crimephone business. This is a (nearly) classic startup tale, full of all-nighters, heroic battles against the odds, and the terror and exhilaration of "hockey-stick" growth.

The other one is the crime startup, the one that the hapless criminal syndicates that sign up to distribute Anom devices find themselves in the middle of. They, too, are experiencing hockey-stick growth. They, too, have a fantastically lucrative tiger by the tail. And they, too, have a unique set of challenges that make this startup different from any other.

Cox has been on this story for a decade, and it shows. He has impeccable sourcing and encyclopedic access to the court records and other public details that allow him to reproduce many of the most dramatic scenes in the Anom caper verbatim.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/06/04/anom-nom-nom/#the-call-is-coming-from-inside-the-ndrangheta

III. The Hidden History of Walt Disney World by Foxx Nolte

No one writes about Disney theme parks like Foxx Nolte; no one rises above the trivia and goes beyond the mere sleuthing of historical facts, no one nails the essence of what makes these parks work – and fail.

The history of Walt Disney World is also a history of the American narrative from the 1960s to the turn of the millennium, especially once Epcot enters the picture and Disney sets out to market itself as a futuristic mirror to America and the world. There's a doomed plan to lead the nation in the provision of an airport for the largely hypothetical short runway aircraft that never materialized, the Disney company's love-hate affair with Florida's orange growers, and the geopolitics of installing a permanent World's Fair, just as World's Fairs were disappearing from the world stage.

In focusing on the conflicts between different corporate managers, outside suppliers, and the gloriously flamboyant weirdos of Florida, Nolte's history of Disney World transcends amusing anaecdotes and tittle-tattle – rather, it illustrates how the creative sparks thrown off by people smashing into each other sometimes created towering blazes of glory that burn to this day.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/07/15/disnefried/#dialectics

IV. Network Nation by Richard R John

An extremely important, brilliantly researched, deep history of America's love/hate affair with not just the telephone, but also the telegraph. It is unmistakably as history book, one that aims at a definitive takedown of various neat stories about the history of American telecommunications.

The monopolies that emerged in the telegraph and then the telephone weren't down to grand forces that made them inevitable, but rather, to the errors made by regulators and the successful gambits of the telecoms barons. At many junctures, things could have gone another way.

Most striking about this book were the parallels to contemporary fights over Big Tech trustbusting, in our new Gilded Age. Many of the apologies offered for Western Union or AT&T's monopoly could have been uttered by the Renfields who carry water for Facebook, Apple and Google. John's book is a powerful and engrossing reminder that variations on these fights have occurred in the not-so-distant past, and that there's much we can learn from them.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/07/18/the-bell-system/#were-the-phone-company-we-dont-have-to-care

V. A Natural History of Empty Lots by Christopher Brown

A frustratingly hard to summarize book, because it requires a lot of backstory and explanation, and one of the things that makes this book so! fucking! great! is how skillfully Brown weaves disparate elements – the unique house he built in Austin, the wildlife he encounters in the city's sacrifice zones, the politics that created them – into his telling.

This series of loosely connected essays that explains how everything fits together: colonial conquest, Brown's failed marriage, his experience as a lawyer learning property law, what he learned by mobilizing that learning to help his neighbors defend the pockets of wildness that refuse to budge.

It's filled with pastoral writing that summons Kim Stanley Robinson by way of Thoreau, and it sometimes frames its philosophical points the way a cyberpunk writer would.

The kind of book that challenges how you feel about the crossroads we're at, the place you live, and the place you want to be.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/09/17/cyberpunk-pastoralism/#time-to-mow-the-roof

GRAPHIC NOVELS

I. Death Strikes by David Maass and Patrick Lay

"The Emperor of Atlantis," is an opera written by two Nazi concentration camp inmates, the librettist Peter Kien and the composer Viktor Ullmann, while they were interned in Terezin, a show-camp in Czechoslovakia that housed numerous Jewish artists, who were encouraged to make and display their work as a sham to prove to the rest of the world that Nazi camps were humane places.

Death Strikes was adapted by my EFF colleague Dave Maass, an investigator and muckraker and brilliant writer, who teamed up with illustrator Patrick Lay and character designer Ezra Rose (who worked from Kien and Ullmann's original designs, which survived along with the score and libretto).

The Emperor's endless wars have already tried Death's patience. Death brings mercy, not vengeance, and the endless killing has dismayed him. The Emperor's co-option drives him past the brink, and Death declares a strike, breaking his sword and announcing that henceforth, no one will die.

Needless to say, this puts a crimp in the Emperor's all-out war plan. People get shot and stabbed and drowned and poisoned, but they don't die. They just hang around, embarrassingly alive (there's a great comic subplot of the inability of the Emperor's executioners to kill a captured assassin).

While this is clearly an adaptation, Kien and Ullmann's spirit of creativity, courage, and bittersweet creative ferment shines through. It's a beautiful book, snatched from death itself.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/01/23/peter-kien-viktor-ullmann/#terez

II. My Favorite Things Is Monsters Book Two by Emil Ferris

The long, long delayed sequel to the tale of Karen Reyes, a 10 year old, monster-obsessed queer girl in 1968 Chicago who lives with her working-class single mother and her older brother, Deeze, in an apartment house full of mysterious, haunted adults. There's the landlord – a gangster and his girlfriend – the one-eyed ventriloquist, and the beautiful Holocaust survivor and her jazz-drummer husband.

Ferris's storytelling style is dazzling, and it's matched and exceeded by her illustration style, which is grounded in the classic horror comics of the 1950s and 1960s. Characters in Karen's life – including Karen herself – are sometimes depicted in the EC horror style, and that same sinister darkness crowds around the edges of her depictions of real-world Chicago.

Book Two picks up from Book One's cliffhanger and then rockets forward. Everything brilliant about One is even better in Two – the illustrations more lush, the fine art analysis more pointed and brilliant, the storytelling more assured and propulsive, the shocks and violence more outrageous, the characters more lovable, complex and grotesque.

Everything about Two is more. The background radiation of the Vietnam War in One takes center stage with Deeze's machinations to beat the draft, and Deeze and Karen being ensnared in the Chicago Police Riots of '68. The allegories, analysis and reproductions of classical art get more pointed, grotesque and lavish. Annika's Nazi concentration camp horrors are more explicit and more explicitly connected to Karen's life. The queerness of the story takes center stage, both through Karen's first love and the introduction of a queer nightclub. The characters are more vivid, as is the racial injustice and the corruption of the adult world.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/06/01/the-druid/#

III. So Long Sad Love by Mirion Malle

Cleo is a French comics creator who's moved to Montreal, in part to be with Charles, a Quebecois creator who helps her find a place in the city's tight-knit artistic scene. The relationship feels like a good one, with the normal ups and downs, but then Cleo travels to a festival, where she meets Farah, a vivacious and talented fellow artist. They're getting along great…until Farah discovers who Cleo's boyfriend is. Though Farah doesn't say anything, she is visibly flustered and makes her excuses before hurriedly departing.

This kicks off Cleo's hunt for the truth about her boyfriend, a hunt that is complicated by the fact that she's so far from home, that her friends are largely his friends, that he flies off the handle every time she raises the matter, and by her love for him.

Malle handles this all so deftly, showing how Cleo and her friends all play archetypal roles in the recurrent missing stair dynamic. It's a beautifully told story, full of charm and character, but it's also a kind of forensic re-enactment of a disaster, told from an intermediate distance that's close enough to the action that we can see the looming crisis, but also understand why the people in its midst are steering straight into it.

Packed with subtlety and depth, romance and heartbreak, subtext that carries through the dialog (in marvelous translation from the original French by Aleshia Jensen) and the body language in Malle's striking artwork.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/06/25/missing-step/#the-fog-of-love

IV. Bea Wolf by Zach Wienersmith and Boulet

A ferociously amazingly great illustrated kids' graphic novel adaptation of the Old English epic poem, which inspired Tolkien, who helped bring it to popularity after it had languished in obscurity for centuries.

Weinersmith and Boulet set themselves the task of bringing a Germanic heroic saga from more than a thousand years ago to modern children, while preserving the meter and the linguistic and literary tropes of the original. And they did it!

There are some changes, of course. Grendel – the boss monster that both Beowulf and Bea Wulf must defeat – is no longer obsessed with decapitating his foes and stealing their heads. In Bea Wulf, Grendel is a monstrously grown up and boring adult who watches cable news and flosses twice per day, and when he defeats the kids whose destruction he is bent upon, he does so by turning them into boring adults, too.

The utter brilliance of Bea Wulf is as much due to the things it preserves from the original epic as it is to the updates and changes. Weinersmith has kept the Old English tradition of alliteration, right from the earliest passages, with celebrations of heroes like "Tanya, treat-taker, terror of Halloween, her costume-cache vast, sieging kin and neighbor, draining full candy-bins, fearing not the fate of her teeth. Ten thousand treats she took. That was a fine Tuesday."

https://pluralistic.net/2024/06/24/awesome-alliteration/#hellion-hallelujah

V. Youth Group by Bowen McCurdy and Jordan Morris

A charming tale of 1990s ennui, cringe Sunday School – and demon hunting.

Kay is a bitter, cynical teenager who's doing her best to help her mother cope with an ugly divorce that has seen her dad check out on his former family. Mom is going back to church, and she talks Kay into coming along with her to attend the church youth group.

But this is no ordinary youth group. Kay's ultra-boring suburban hometown is actually infested with demons who routinely possess the townspeople, and that baseline of demonic activity has suddenly gone critical, with a new wave of possessions. Suddenly, the possessed are everywhere – even Kay's shitty dad ends up with a demon inside of him.

That's when Kay discovers that the youth group and its corny pastor are also demon hunters par excellence. Their rec-rooms sport secret cubbies filled with holy weapons, and the words of exorcism come as readily to them as any embarrassing rewritten devotional pop song. Kay's discovery of this secret world convinces her that the youth group isn't so bad after all, and soon she is initiated into its mysteries, including the existence of rival demon-hunting kids from the local synagogue, Catholic church, and Wiccan coven.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/07/16/satanic-panic/#the-dream-of-the-nineties

VI. Justice Warriors: Vote Harder by Matt Bors and Ben Clarkson

Vote Harder sees Bubble City facing its first election in living memory, as the mayor – who inherited his position from his "powerful, strapping Papa" – loses a confidence vote by the city's trustees. They're upset with his plan to bankrupt the city in order to buy a laser powerful enough to carve his likeness into the sun as a viral stunt for the launch of his comeback album. The trustees are in no way mollified by the fact that he expects to make a lot of money selling special branded sunglasses that allow Bubble City (and the mutant hordes of the Uninhabited Zone) to safely look into the sun and see what their tax dollars bought.

So it's time for an election, and the two candidates are going hard: there's the incumbent Mayor Prince; there's his half-sister and ex-girlfriend, Stufina Vipix XII, and there's a dark-horse candidate Flauf Tanko, a mutant-tank cyborg that went rogue after a militant Home Owners Association disabled it and its owners abandoned it. Flauf-Tanko is determined to give the masses of the Uninhabited Zone the representation they've been denied for so long, despite the structural impediments to this (UZers need to complete a questionnaire, sub-forms, have three forms of ID, and present a rental contract, drivers license, work permit and breeding license. They also need to get their paperwork signed in person at a VERI-VOTE location, then wait 14 days to get their voter IDs by mail. Also, districts of 2 million or more mutants are allocated the equivalent of only 250,000 votes, but only if 51% of eligible voters show up to the polls; otherwise, their votes are parceled out to other candidates per the terms of the Undervoting and Apathy Allotment Act).

What unfolds is a funny, bitter, superb piece of political satire that could not be better timed.

https://pluralistic.net/2024/09/11/uninhabited-zone/#eremption-season

As I mentioned in the introduction to this roundup, I had three books out in 2024; a new hardcover, and the paperback editions of two books that came out in hardcover last year. There's more on the horizon – a new hardcover novel (PICKS AND SHOVELS) in Feb 2025, along with the paperback of my novel THE BEZZLE (also Feb 2025). I just turned in the manuscript for my next nonfiction book, ENSHITTIFICATION, which will also be adapted as a graphic novel. I'll also be shortly announcing the publication details for a YA graphic novel, a new essay collection and short story collection.

If you enjoy my work – the newsletter, the talks, the reviews – the best way to support me is to buy my books. I write for grownups, teens, middle-schoolers and little kids, so there's something for everyone!

I. The Lost Cause A solarpunk novel of hope in the climate emergency. "The first great YIMBY novel" -Bill McKibben. "Completely delightful…Neither utopian nor dystopian…I loved it" -Rebecca Solnit. A national bestseller!

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865946/thelostcause/

II. The Internet Con: How to Seize the Means of Computation A detailed disassembly manual for people who want to dismantle Big Tech. "A passionate case for 'relief from manipulation, high-handed moderation, surveillance, price-gouging, disgusting or misleading algorithmic suggestions. -Akash Kapur, New Yorker. Another national bestseller!

https://www.versobooks.com/products/3035-the-internet-con

III. The Bezzle. A seething rebuke of the privatized prison system that delves deeply into the arcane and baroque financial chicanery involved in the 2008 financial crash. "Righteously satisfying…A fascinating tale of financial skullduggery, long cons, and the delivery of ice-cold revenge." –Booklist. A third national bestseller!

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865878/thebezzle/

#pluralistic #books #reviews #fiction #nonfiction #graphic novels #gift guide

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papermatisse · 2 years ago

Text

Let Me Try Again || K.SY

♗ pairing: kwon soonyoung x f!reader

♗ genre: angst, fluff

♗ word count: 30k

♗ warnings: heavy plot + elements (depression, anxiety, abandonment), pregnancy, foul language

♗ synopsis: Soonyoung had never wanted to live a restrained capitalistic life, forced to work a tiresome 9 to 5, paying taxes until the day he dies. Though in exchange to pursue the other option, that being devotion to a career, he had to pay an unfathomably large price—he had to abandon everything and everyone he's ever loved. can he fit himself back into his former life? one that's changed more than he can possibly imagine? could the ones he loved forgive him for his wrongdoings? could he get the second chance he wants so desperately?

♗ (a/n): im back w my bs uwu. one of my biggest fics, named after Frank Sinatra's "Let Me Try Again". pls give it a read and enjoy! 😭🙏❤️

main masterlist

Soonyoung breathed a sigh of relief upon stepping off the plane. Though he was still trapped in the crowd of other passengers, scrambling to meet with their respective families and collect their baggage, he had never felt so free.

College was an experience, to say the least. He had his fair share of fun, partying and meeting new friends. Sometimes those parties went awry, with either cops showing up to dismantle the chaotic atmosphere or Soonyoung drinking more than he could handle. He also experienced those painful nights of cramming, staying up until the crack of dawn, eyes near bloodshot, faint lines of text imprinted in his vision for the next few minutes as he turned away from his textbooks.

Many times, he was sure he'd fail, ruin his life forever. The life he had worked tirelessly to prepare for. The life he traded everything for, leaving behind his family, his friends. The girl he had sworn he'd marry one day.

Yet here he was, Master's degree now printed on his resume in a single additional line. A new and accomplished man, ready to take on the world.

And it seemed his efforts were already coming to use as he left his university. He had already gotten a fairly reasonable job offer; a software engineer in the tech department of SVT Corporations. It was a major industry, a rare job offer he'll probably never see again in his lifetime. It had to be pure luck. That he was in the right place at the right time. A surreal experience, that he was able to land such a fantastic start to his career.

Though before accepting, he decided to return to his roots one last time. A final goodbye to his past. The foundation which supported him up to this point. His childhood home.

Being away for so long was quite the challenge for Soonyoung. He had always been a family man, someone who always put his loved ones before himself. Though as he grew older, his priorities admittedly shifted. Yet there still remained that tug in his heart, swaying him back to his loved ones, reminding him that though he wished to give himself the stable life he had always craved, he could never truly sacrifice everything for himself.

So to have to pack up and move across the country for years was truly a harrowing feat, though one he nevertheless conquered.

It was difficult, a trial he never really prepared himself for because he never believed he'd have to endure it. That dull ache in his heart that first time he video called his mother. Watching her face appear on his screen, grainy from the lousy connection, though still there. Still his loving mother. She cried for him, proud he was doing this for himself. Happy that her son was going to have a future as an engineer. What more could a mother want but the joy of her children?

He remained where he was for all those years. Never once flying back home. Because he feared that the moment he stepped foot in his town, he'd stay. The memories of his past calling out to him. The treehouse his friends and him always frequented. The bowling alley Seokmin and him would spend hours in avoiding schoolwork. The park he confessed his love to his crush.

Yet as he stepped off the terminal, breathing in the air of his hometown for the first time in six years, he felt his worries were for naught.

He had heard his family before he had seen them, sister all but colliding into him the moment she spotted him. Tears brimmed his eyes as he held her for the first time in years, surprised at how grown she had become. Afterwards came his mother who had already been crying long before she had seen him, and then his father who also looked equally misty eyed.

For the first time in a long while, Soonyoung felt somewhat complete.

His first day back had been spent with his family. Catching up with them, sharing his stories from college, hearing some of the family drama he missed out on.

At the dinner table, as they continued to converse with one another, his father had asked what his plans were.

He told him that he had been given a job offer that he was supposed to answer by the end of the month.

The news definitely dampened the mood, as he basically admitted right then and there that they would only have Soonyoung for four weeks before he was to leave them once more. Nevertheless, they chose to cherish the little time they had with Soonyoung, refusing to dwell upon the inevitable and instead thrive in the happiness he granted them with his presence.

The next day, he was already calling his friends again, digging through his old contacts and hoping none of them had changed their numbers. Though more specifically, he hoped Seokmin hadn't changed his number.

He pressed the contact, smiling fondly at the silly display before him. An old picture of the boy from when they went to the pool, the dual ensemble of a swimming cap paired with a tiny set of black goggles. It was dumb, yet ever nostalgic, and still brought joy to Soonyoung as he finally dialed the number, pressing his phone to his ear.

Upon the first ring, Soonyoung felt himself gulp, nearly choking on the descent down his throat. His thoughts began hitting him all at once.

What if Seokmin didn't want Soonyoung anymore? He did just leave with no other words after getting on that plane. What if Seokmin hated him?

Second ring.

Why didn't Soonyoung just talk to his friends? He knew he was busy, but he shouldn't have been too busy for his childhood friends? Why couldn't he just keep in contact at the least? A simple greeting every so often wouldn't have hurt him.

Third ring.

Soonyoung felt his face redden with anxiety, his heart rate picking up. Worries of whether he truly did lose his lifelong friend riddled his mind. His fingers clutched at his jeans, gulping again as his nerves burned within him.

"Hello?" A voice chimed through his phone, the familiar voice of his best friend wading into his ear, easing Soonyoung's frantic worries as a grin stretched on his face.

"Hello," Soonyoung responded, biting his lip as silence filled the other line. Just from assumptions alone, Seokmin must've pulled his phone away, getting a gander at the contact that called him, because a distant gasp sounded out before the voice was once more right at the mic.

"Soonyoung!" He hollered, nearly bursting his eardrum as he laughed at his friend's reaction. "Holy shit, dude, what's up! It's been literal ages! How've you been?"

"I'm good, I'm good," Soonyoung answered, looking down at his lap. "I just graduated."

"Oh, I'm talking to an educated man, I see," Seokmin noted, bringing a chuckle to Soonyoung. "Well, Sir Academia, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call?"

"Well, I'm home." It was quiet for a moment, so quiet that Soonyoung believed his friend may have hung up, but then he chimed in moments later.

"Wait, home home? Like, here home?"

"I'm at my parents house right now–"

"Oh my God! Stay there! I'll be there in ten minutes, okay!" The man suddenly hung up, causing Soonyoung to break out into more laughs at his friend's manic behavior.

At least he hadn't lost him. It felt like a light weight was lifted from his shoulders. That his bond with Seokmin was strong enough to persevere through these years. He still regretted cutting off everyone, though was still incredibly relieved at such a development.

The moment Seokmin pulled up, he was practically dragging Soonyoung away, shoving him into his car after a dramatic hug, and driving off.

"I'm taking you to everyone," Seokmin explained as they made their way through the town.

Soonyoung smiled at the sights they passed. Nothing had changed. As if he hadn't ever left. As if the town was frozen in time, waiting for his return to thaw back to the present. It was comforting, a constant in his life he could rely on.

The first person they went to was Seungcheol, working at his mother's real estate agency. They had waited for him to look up from his desk, and when he met their eyes, his facade of professionalism evaporated, the suited man leaping to his feet and practically hopping over his desk to embrace Soonyoung. The others in the office looked to them with terror at the display, but that didn't stop Seungcheol from lifting his long lost friend in the air, hugging him nearly to death with a bright smile on his face.

Their next stop was Jeonghan and Joshua's apartment, the two of them having off from their jobs for the day. Seokmin had knocked on their door, to which neither of them answered. Insisting that he knew they were in there, Seokmin continued to knock until a disgruntled Jeonghan finally whipped open the door, about to tell off the supposed loiterers at his door until he saw Soonyoung. The fanfare continued as Joshua came out, coming to investigate what all the ruckus was about, though inevitably joining alongside his roommate with welcoming Soonyoung back.

This continued for the rest of the day practically, Seokmin dragging Soonyoung to every corner of the city, reuniting with his old friend group. Mingyu had regrettably grown even taller since they last spoke, Vernon's fashion sense had mellowed over the years, and Chan looked so grown, the sight of the young man almost bringing tears to Soonyoung's eyes.

"You really didn't have to do this for me, Seokmin. I was planning on just calling everyone eventually and planning meetups," Soonyoung explained as Seokmin drove them back from Chan's place. The sun was setting, the sky an orange pink hue as the day was nearing its end; a day well spent in Soonyoung's book.

"No worries at all!" Seokmin assured, waving his hand in the air before returning it to the steering wheel. "It gives me time to hang out with my best friend who abandoned me all these years." Soonyoung rolled his eyes and sighed as Seokmin laughed. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I knew you were busy. You got your Master's pretty early, too."

"I did, I did." Soonyoung sighed. Rather than it being necessarily early, it was mainly right on time. Though it cost him so much to stay on this schedule. "It was difficult, especially being away from everyone." He paused, smiling as he thought back on the day. At the faces of his friends he hasn't seen in so long. He hadn't realized how much he missed them until he was there in front of them. Hearing them speak for the first time in years, seeing how they changed while he was away, seeing them become settled in their lives, finding that happiness everyone sought for. "I should've at least texted you."

"What'd I say?" Seokmin parked his car, turning his head to face Soonyoung. "No. Worries." He poked his finger into Soonyoung's side with each word. "We all understood, you were chasing your dreams. We wouldn't want anything different. And knowing you, you were bound to come back." Seokmin patted his friend on the shoulder.

"Thanks." Soonyoung smiled softly at the comforting words directed to him.

He had been so worried everyone would have been upset he just left them and never spoke again, but after today, he knew everyone missed him just as much as he missed them.

Though through all the joy in him, past the relief he felt upon meeting his friends once more, one thought plagued his mind.

"Hey," he began warily, attracting Seokmin's attention, "How's (y/n)?"

Seokmin grinned at the name, though not as ecstatic as his usual wide smile. More so one of familiarity, comfort, fondness.

"She's great, we just hung out last week. Her, Seungkwan, and I.'' Seokmin said, bringing a smile to Soonyoung's face. He was glad to hear that. That they all remained friends after he left. After he broke her heart, and left her behind. Before he could speak though, Seokmin continued, his words all but halting Soonyoung's every thought. "It's really hard to plan things with her since she has to adjust her schedule to fit both us and her kid, but she still makes the effort."

"Her... kid?" Soonyoung's voice was weak, barely even louder than the air conditioning hitting his face, but Seokmin heard nevertheless. He glanced at him in confusion before realization hit him, eyes widening and jaw dropping.

"Oh, nobody told you!" He shouted in shock, glancing around the street they were on before swiftly recalculating his destination, making a U-turn all of a sudden. "Yeah, she has a daughter! Little Chaerim."

Soonyoung's face blanked, his chest tightening at the information relayed to him.

She had a kid. So many things had changed during his time away, like Minghao taking up meditation, Jihoon becoming a famous producer, even Jeonghan adding more furniture to his pet rock's house. But (y/n) having a kid?

For as long as he could remember, Soonyoung had the biggest crush on (y/n). Starting from their first meeting at the age of 11, his feelings only seemed to spiral deeper and deeper with every year until he had finally asked her out in the middle of highschool.

They were highschool sweethearts. The epitome of a perfect relationship. They never got into fights, unlike the other relationships around them which seemed to fizzle with the angst of teenage development. They were never jealous, having this undeniable trust in one another, enough to grant them comfort with one another from just the mere thought of the other, and no random addition of a person could tarnish that mentality. They were mature, treating their relationship as something which should be cherished and nurtured, never once treating the other disrespectfully or tarnishing the perfect bond they had.

That is until after highschool, when Soonyoung was accepted into his college across the country.

It all began crumbling after that. Doubt riddled his mind soon after.

Whether he could truly keep (y/n) happy from such a great distance. Could he manage a long distance relationship and his studies? Would he have to put one over the other? If he did, then his grades would tank, because he wouldn't have the heart to put his school before her in any scenario. Should he just abandon everything, throw away this idea of self fulfillment for love? Find a regular 9 to 5 to support him and (y/n)? He'd stay with her, but at what cost? Soonyoung never wanted to work a job like that. To live a life where everyday, waking up felt like a task, and his only reprieve was the peace of sleep. It's why he was struggling with this debacle in the first place.

Whether to put his happiness or her happiness first?

Yet at the end of the day, he chose the former. He couldn't possibly give her the happy life she deserved if he himself was miserable. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he brought her any form of misery, like the lack of a devout husband. Someone she was forced to watch crumble with every passing day, nothing more than a shell of what he once was. His vibrancy extracted through the shackles of capitalism until he could no longer handle it. Until not only his will to be happy dissipated, but also his will to make her happy, gone like everything else. He couldn't condemn her to such a cruel inevitability.

As much as it pained him to admit it, it would be much better for him to let her go, give her the chance to find the happiness she deserves, which clearly didn't belong to a monster like him.

And so he let her go.

He had been so distracted he hadn't even acknowledged Seokmin parking again in yet another unfamiliar apartment building.

"We're here!" He announced, stepping out of the car excitedly. Soonyoung on the other hand stepped out warily, glancing around as if he'd see her waiting for him, glaring in disdain at the man who shattered her heart and left.

All the while, Seokmin raved about Chaerim as they made their way to her apartment. He talked about how cute she is, how she's the sweetest thing he's ever seen, how Soonyoung would just love her.

Yet her mere existence seemed to haunt Soonyoung, torment him the longer he knew of her existence. Because she stands as a testament of (y/n) moving on from him.

Before he knew it, they stopped before a door.

It was just like any other along the narrow corridor, though it felt much more daunting to him, knowing who was behind it.

"Watch this," Seokmin whispered excitedly, cracking his knuckles before placing both on the door. He began rapping a beat on the wood which went on for longer than any knock should . He then stepped back proudly, a smile on his face as he looked back at Soonyoung, patiently waiting for something to happen. They could hear muffled shouting through the door, growing louder and louder to the point that Soonyoung could now very clearly make out the voice to be saying "Uncle Seokmin!" on repeat.

Suddenly, the door swung open. Time seemed to stop as a tiny face peeked out, smiling brightly up at his friend who then crouched with outstretched arms. The girl had leapt into his arms, giggling as he lifted her up and hugged her.

Soonyoung felt his breathing pick up, seeing the little girl buried in Seokmin's shirt. That little girl was the daughter of his true love. The one girl he had always adored. The girl he all but abandoned.

But she wasn't his daughter.

And though that fact lingered over him�� treacherously, reminding him of his past faults, reminding him that he could've had that had he chosen (y/n) at the end, he still attempted to push away his negative thoughts, offering the girl a smile as he waited for Seokmin to acknowledge him.

Once the enthusiasm subsided, Seokmin finally did turn to him again.

"Chaerim, I'd like you to meet my friend, Soonyoung."

The girl looked up at him, peeking over from beneath Seokmin's chin at the strange man a few feet away from her. And as their eyes met, Soonyoung felt his heart all but collapse, watching two sharp, angular eyes peering at him curiously. Eyes which quirked upwards at their ends… Just like his.

His expression dropped, the color of his skin draining as she revealed all of her face to him, and it felt as if Soonyoung were looking directly into a mirror. She stared at him so resolutely, his own panic seeming nonsensical from how calm she remained, merely resting against Seokmin as she continued to look at Soonyoung, observing as you would an animal exhibit.

"Chaerim!" A voice hollered from inside the opened apartment. A person emerged from the hall within, making her way swiftly to the entry, exasperated as if this were a daily occurrence in her life. As the woman appeared at the door, Soonyoung realized who it was.

Jihyo, (y/n)'s best friend.

She looked to Seokmin and Chaerim for a moment, silently acknowledging that the situation is handled, before looking to Soonyoung, standing there starstruck with his mouth agape, glancing between Jihyo and Chaerim.

Jihyo's face shifted from indifference at everything, to shock upon seeing Soonyoung, to then near terror, brows arched in surprise as she froze in place, much like Soonyoung at the moment.

"Was it Seokmin?" Another voice resounded from the apartment. A soft, lull like voice which carried in the air, light and delicate with its tone as it hit Soonyoung, a familiarity which lit his nerves though also seemed to melt him into butter.

And then she appeared, rounding the same corner as Jihyo. Soonyoung felt his knees buckle, weak against her mere presence which seemed to dominate the entire room. She looked up, stopping mid step as she met Soonyoung's eyes, and regrettably to his disappointment, instant fear washed across her expression, a fact which seemed to stab at Soonyoung's heart. That he was no longer the one who brought her peace or comfort like he once did so long ago. That she looked to him as you would any unwelcomed stranger.

"Is everyone okay?" Seokmin asked, the only person who wasn't in some stare down with another.

Yet before he could question it any further, Chaerim began squirming in his arms, crawling out of his embrace before bounding towards her mom. (y/n) hesitantly crouched, scooping the young girl up and into her arms, who then began whispering into her ear, legs kicking excitedly. With a shaky breath, (y/n) smiled to her guests.

"Seokmin!" She greeted first, voice wavering as she approached the door. "And Soonyoung! Please, why don't you all come in." Her hand landed on Jihyo's shoulder, snapping her out of her stupor before she backed away, allowing the boys to enter the home.

Jihyo muttered a brief, "excuse us," before she was dragging the two girls down the hall. Soonyoung looked worriedly to their retreating forms.

The way (y/n) said his name.

She once said it with such adoration. Calling out to him from across the courtyard at school, referring to him in the middle of a conversation, whispering to him late in the night when they embraced one another. His name alone once felt so loved because she said it. Because she spoke love into it. With every syllable, with every roll of her tongue, as if speaking an entire ballad of her affections, though it was merely his name.

Now she spoke his name tentatively. As if it were poison on the tip of her tongue. As if she were stepping through a field of landmines. As if it was taboo to be spoken.

He felt tears brimming at his eyes. Selfish tears, ones which shouldn't be shed because he condemned himself to this reality. He was the one who pushed her away. He was the one who left her home, ignoring the silent cries she left behind, ignoring the way his heart fought tooth and nail to turn back and return to her. He was the one who got onto that plane, drowning in his own sorrows as he flew further and further away from her. Away from his other half.

He once believed everyone was a whole, and that some people just made one larger whole once together, and would stay as their original wholes once separated. Yet here he was, a broken half of a man, whose other piece was left shattered and abandoned by him.

And he still felt like that. He could feel his dormant heart stirring alive with pointless hope, beating against his rib cage as if wanting to break free and reunite with her. Yet like he always did, he ran away, walking over to her living room and sitting beside Seokmin.

"Cute, isn't she?" Seokmin nudged Soonyoung, a warm smile on his face as he referred to the young girl. "God, I just want to squish her cheeks all day. So round. Doesn't she remind you of a hamster?"

"No," Soonyoung answered faster than he had intended, shocking even himself with his thoughts. That he wasn't a hamster, so she couldn't possibly be a hamster either. He shook his head, attempting to clear away his assumptions as Seokmin chuckled.

"You're probably right. That won't stop me from calling her my hamster though," Seokmin continued. Soonyoung leant forward onto his knees, steadying his breathing before the girls would eventually return. "You know, I'm her Godfather."

Soonyoung looked over to him, brows furrowed in intrigue.

"Yeah, (y/n) insisted," He continued. "I was one of the only people who knew about her pregnancy, so I was taking care of her with Jihyo for those few months." Soonyoung felt his eyes water. The thought that she was struggling so much while he was away at college. And he knew absolutely nothing. "I was even the one who drove her to the hospital when she went into labor, cause Jihyo was working at the time."

There was some relief in him at this. That she wasn't entirely alone. That though he left her behind, she still had others to care for her. He felt obligated to thank Seokmin for his efforts. For being there for her when he wasn't. For taking care of this child like she was his own.

Chaerim.

Soonyoung was about to question him further, about to ask him more of his dear god daughter, until Jihyo appeared from the halls, hands clasped together with a nervous laugh resounding from her.

"Okay, hello everybody, how are we feeling?" She asked, sitting on the loveseat beside them. "Sorry, we're all understandably shocked to see Soonyoung, you know?"

"No, we completely understand," Seokmin waved her off. "We should've told you guys on our way here, I just got excited." He nodded towards Soonyoung beside him. "He didn't know about Chaerim! Can you believe that?"

"Insane," Jihyo responded, her voice monotonous as she stared blankly back at the two.

Soon after, the final members of the party came out once more, Chaerim immediately making her way over to Seokmin again. He brought the girl to his lap, brushing back her black hair as (y/n) took a seat in front of them on her coffee table.

"Hi," She greeted them all, though her eyes landed on none other than Soonyoung.

"Hi," He responded, voice soft, afraid he would startle her and she'd run off. He wouldn't blame her though. He did the exact same thing.

"Seokmin, let's go to the kitchen." Jihyo began walking off, Seokmin following after. Chaerim was peeking over his shoulder, still staring right at Soonyoung up until she disappeared into the kitchen.

"How have you been?" (y/n) continued. He stared momentarily at the kitchen before turning back to her with a wry smile.

"I'm okay," He answered. "I just graduated. Master's in software engineering."

"That's amazing, congratulations!" She noted, a smile spreading on her face, though not reaching her eyes. "I'm happy to hear that. You must be so proud."

Soonyoung winced at her words, because she seemed to unknowingly see right through him. She may not be fully aware, but he was filled with doubt. Yes, he achieved what he set out for. He got his Master's, he's got the job offer, he's got his life laid out before him, and all he had to do was live it out accordingly. Yet he was full of doubt. Doubt because he was still riddled with sorrow, wondering if things would've been better had he given up on this plan. If he could've accommodated, still involved (y/n) in his life, and just worked a little harder to keep her beside him through the long distance relationship.

At the end of it all, that unhappiness he believed he'd have working a basic 9 to 5 equated to the unhappiness he felt living a life without (y/n).

"Soonyoung?" She asked, startling him back to reality.

"I'm sorry. I zoned out." She softly chuckled, nodding at his words with a soft affirmation. She looked down to her lap, fiddling with her fingers as silence encompassed the two. And as much as he didn't want to ask, as much as he knew it was inappropriate for the time being, he couldn't help it. He couldn't fight back the curiosity flooding his brain. "You have a daughter…"

She froze for a moment, hands wringing together before she looked up at him with a smile.

"I do, yes." (y/n) pulled out her phone before handing it to him, showing her wallpaper which was Chaerim, beaming up at the camera, her eyes narrowed into slits. "Her name is Chaerim, as you may already know." His heart softened, seeing the bright little girl practically radiating like the sun. He understood why Seokmin seemed to love her so much. Because he was gradually already falling for her and he hasn't had one conversation with the girl.

"She's beautiful," Soonyoung commented, handing the phone back to (y/n), smiling widely at his words. "What's she like?"

"Well…" (y/n) started, breaking off into a brief chuckle as she thought of the girl in question. "She's… something. Very hyperactive." (y/n) looked down at her phone, fondly gazing at the picture once more. "She's silly. There's never a dull day with her." She paused, looking for a second more before putting her phone away and sighing. "So mature. It feels like I'm talking to a little adult at times." Soonyoung smiled, seeing how much (y/n) loved her.

"Can I meet her?" He asked softly, voice barely above a whisper. He was afraid, scared to meet this little girl. He didn't know what exactly he feared, but his thoughts were incessant.

It was either he was meeting the child of (y/n) and some guy who came and replaced him, or he was meeting the child of him and (y/n).

And as (y/n) called out for the girl and she emerged from the kitchen with those familiar sharp eyes of hers, Soonyoung had an inkling he knew it was the latter scenario.

"Chaerim, I'd like you to meet Soonyoung," (y/n) spoke, gesturing to the person as she said their name. "Soonyoung, this is Chaerim."

He slid off the couch, crouching onto his knees before her with a smile on his face.

"Hi Chaerim. It's nice to meet you."

The little girl stood there, staring right at him, expression blank and unreadable. It almost intimidated him, the way she seemed to stare right into his soul as if it was child's play. She stepped closer to him, face to face, her gaze unwavering, as if she hadn't an ounce of fear for him. (y/n) and Soonyoung watched her with confusion, though allowed her to continue to inch closer and closer to Soonyoung until she pressed her tiny lips against his nose, pulling away after planting a soft kiss to him.

"Chaerim, what are you doing?" (y/n) spoke in a panic, pulling her daughter against her. "You just met Soonyoung, we don't kiss strangers."

"We don't?" She asked. The first words she has spoken in his presence.

"No, we don't– How many strangers have you kissed?" (y/n) asked incredulously, eyes wide at the girl's question. Without answering, Chaerim approached Soonyoung again, his face reddened at her kiss.

"Hello, my name is Chaerim," she greeted, voice louder than necessary, though still getting her point across. She held out her hand to him, and he hesitantly took it in his own. His lips twitched into a smile, thumb brushing over her smooth skin as he reciprocated her greeting. In some way, he knew. The moment he touched her, he knew she was his.

Though before he could say anything else, Jihyo appeared.

"(y/n), it's 8," she stated. Like that, (y/n)'s fond smile at the exchange dissipated, and she snapped out of her daydream at the time.

"Chaerim, we need to give you a bath," she stated, about to stand up before Jihyo stepped in.

"It's okay, Seokmin and I can prepare her for bed," she insisted, lifting the girl into her arms with a small huff. "You guys can keep talking." Jihyo briefly looked to Soonyoung, nodding at him in acknowledgement before turning around and disappearing down the hall, Seokmin trailing behind after waving to Soonyoung.

Once they were alone, Soonyoung climbed back onto the couch, staring at (y/n) whose eyes darted everywhere but to him. She was nervous, which saddened Soonyoung. He remembered how she once relied on him for comfort during times like this, yet now he was the source of those worries. He just wanted to bring her to him, remind her of his undying love for her, the same love which hasn't waned since the moment he left her. Yet he understood. He understood she needed time. She needed space from him. She needed time to think after he just suddenly came back into her life.

Though yet again, his impulsivity came through, far too curious to merely ignore the elephant in the room.

"(y/n)..." He started, tilting his head down to meet her gaze now staring at the floor between them. She continued to avoid him, eyes shifting away once he entered her peripheral vision. "(y/n), please."

There was a desperation in his voice, this weakness in his tone that startled (y/n), loosened her resolve some as she finally peeked up at him. Her eyes were glassy, her lip quivering as she met his gaze, this pleading stare greeting her as they finally looked at one another. Truly looked at one another.

The sun was setting, casting this deep orange glow into the apartment. A myriad of colors danced across her face, the warmth of the sunset seeping into her skin. Ethereal, Soonyoung thought to himself. How beautiful his beloved (y/n) was. Perhaps it was the time spent apart, but Soonyoung swore she seemed to radiate even more now than she ever had before. As if with every passing of the sun, she seemed to blossom more and more, this breathtaking flower before him that he had left behind.

"Talk to me. Please."

She blinked at his words, tears beginning to well up along her waterline. Though he could very clearly see that anguish in her eyes, she still attempted to play it off, breathing out a chuckle as she shrugged nonchalantly at his request.

"What's there to say?"

Dismissive. She looked away the moment she finished her sentence, eyes once more skirting around him, avoiding him. He winced, this surprisingly sharp pain stabbing at his heart. And yet it only encouraged him to pursue her more.

"So much. (y/n), it's been years. Please, tell me anything. Tell me about your parents, your job, Jihyo." At this point, he had leant so close to her that their breaths were intermingling, warmth brushing against their faces from the proximity, yet to them, two long lost lovers who hadn't spoken in what felt like a lifetime, the space was anything but discomforting. A welcoming sensation that had the tips of his fingers itching to touch her, any part of her, anywhere she was willing to offer him. His eyes opened, glassy gaze once more seeking out her own as she took in a shaky breath, overwrought with the surge of emotions that came with Soonyoung's presence.

Tell me about Chaerim.

He wanted to ask so badly. The question was at the tip of his tongue, begging to be spoken. Yet upon the first break of tears cascading down her face, he knew he had already pushed her too far for now.

Once her tears spilled, so did his, a never ending stream of moisture seeping out of his eyes, his sobs choked back upon hearing her muted sniffles. And to make matters worse, he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't gather her defeated body into his arms. He couldn't wipe her tears away or kiss at the trail they'd leave behind. He couldn't hum her favorite songs to banish her sadness away. Because unlike the other times, he wasn't hers and she wasn't his. At this point, they were no more estranged than two strangers.

His hands shook by his side, forcing himself back from holding her to him. He had no place to do so. He was nothing to her anymore. It took every fiber of his being to separate him from where he was, leaning back onto the couch with a rough sigh, jaw clenched as he attempted to will away his tears. (y/n) similarly followed suit, her hand pressed against her mouth as if to quell the cries that wanted to break free. And they remained that way for what felt like an eternity, silencing their anguish on their own. The solitude felt like a stone pressing down on him, an aching reminder of what their relationship had eventually boiled down to.

They were childhood sweethearts. Ever since he could remember, he'd held a sweet spot for the girl next door. His friends had teased him relentlessly, the adults in his life equally tormenting him with the premise of one day marrying (y/n). So it was no shocker when he had confessed to her one fateful evening in the park by their neighborhood. What did come as a shock was when she had almost immediately reciprocated his feelings, dragging him into a bone crushing hug as she giggled away into his chest.

Seungkwan hadn't believed him the next day, giving him a once over with a raised eyebrow. His hair was frizzy with damage from repetitive bleaching, his clothes hung loosely on his lanky body, and his smile was obscured by an array of multicolored bands on his braces. Yet it only further proved her genuine affections for the boy.

They say love is blind, but it seemed like she had revealed to him a whole new plethora of shades never before seen by the human eye. The sky was bluer when he was with her, grass greener as they laid together in the field, the orange of his tiger plushies felt more vibrant whenever she cuddled one of them.

And even now, it still held true, his atmosphere intensifying in her presence just from her sitting there in front of him. She brought him such anguish, unearthing memories he had once tried so adamantly to bury away, yet she also brought this unfathomable peace in his heart, soothing the storm that had plagued his soul for the past six years in college. The thought was what finally calmed his tears, leaving dried streaks across his face. She had yet to stop her own.

"(y/n)." She finally spared him a wary glance, that same storm which racked his being now whirling in her irises.

In a much softer tone, he called out her name again, desperation laced in his voice, and perhaps even in his gaze, because just from looking at him, (y/n)'s resolve seemed to dissipate into thin air. With a quivering lip and another bout of tears welling up in her eyes, she found herself shifting over to the couch, collapsing into Soonyoung's arms with a loud, agonizing sob.

Her body quaked in his arms as he finally held her again, his face burying into her hair and breathing in her scent. Her arms had wrapped around his torso, fingers clenched desperately into his shirt, tugging him impossibly closer to her. He could feel the warmth of her tears seeping into the material of his top, attempting to coax more tears out of him, yet he remained as is, striving to keep his strength for the both of them in this moment.

"You left me," she cried into his shoulder, voice wrought with unwavering sorrow. "You broke my heart." That familiar lump began forming at the base of Soonyoung's throat, yet he swallowed away the threat of tears once more, simply opting to drag her closer into his frame.

He shut his eyes, his breaths heavy and ragged as he took in her despondency, feeling firsthand how his capricious actions had not only destroyed himself, but also the love of his life.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, voice broken as he spoke through his own misery. "I'm so sorry, (y/n). I could apologize for an eternity and then some, and it would never amount to the regret I feel." His hand rubbed up and down her back, attempting to repress at least some of her sadness at the moment. "I thought… I thought this would be better for you. You didn't deserve to suffer in a long distance relationship. I thought it would be better to let you go so you can actually experience the fulfilling relationship you deserve."

"That's so fucking stupid," she sobbed out, each syllable sounding forced out through the exhaustion already setting in from her crying session.

"I know."

"You broke my heart, you asshole."

"I know." She had mumbled out a few more indiscernible words that had intertwined with her next bout of cries, until eventually it had dissolved into nothing. The tight grip she had on Soonyoung had loosened, her face once buried in his chest now lolled loosely against his shoulder, and the quivering of her body now replaced by the gentle rise and fall of her steady breathing. And with her now silently sleeping away, he took the opportunity by himself to let out his own tears once more, littering the top of her head with soft kisses as he wallowed in his own pitiful state. Embracing the girl he had abandoned and broken, begging for forgiveness as if he deserved anything from her. His apologies fell upon deaf ears as she slept, yet it hadn't deterred him from continuously whispering his pleas to her.

The only thing that seemed to stop his mantra was Seokmin squeezing his shoulder.

"Hey Soon," he called out quietly, snapping him out of his daze as he looked up at his friend. "Let's head home. You guys had enough for the day. There's always tomorrow."

Soonyoung nodded, rising to his feet with (y/n) in his arms as Seokmin guided him to her bedroom. Soonyoung spared her one last glance as he laid her there, brushing back her hair and stroking her cheek, taking in her peaceful expression once more before departing. Seokmin was at the entrance with Jihyo already, the two talking to one another in a low voice, as if the tension of before still resided even with (y/n) fast asleep.

Upon Soonyoung's arrival, their conversation faded into nothing, Seokmin offering the man a gentle smile upon taking in his beaten form.

"Hey buddy, how are we feeling?" Soonyoung's silence was answer enough, staring at his friend blankly with red eyes and a puffy face. "Ah, that's good, that's good. Like I said, there's always tomorrow. Let's get you home now, yeah?" Seokmin bid Jihyo goodbye with one last nod before heading out the door.

Before Soonyoung could fully walk out the door, his body halted in its spot, standing at the threshold of the apartment with Jihyo staring up at him confusedly.

"Chaerim," he spoke, voice gravelly from his earlier happenings. "Is she mine?"

He didn't know what brought this upon him. In any other instance, he'd be horrified at the sudden audacity he obtained to have asked such an illicit question. Yet right now, he was numb. His body ached. His heart felt drained beyond reparation. He felt like nothing. So what was there to lose with such a risky move?

Jihyo was silent for another moment, until she shook her head out of the corner of his eye.

"No," she stated, voice weak as she looked at the defeated man before her. "No, she's not. I'm sorry."

Soonyoung shut his eyes, nodding at her words before fully walking out, meeting up with Seokmin at the elevator.

It was an answer he had anticipated, one that was honestly expected, yet somewhere deep in his heart, he had truly thought she was his daughter. That she was the product of his and (y/n)'s love. That he possibly still had a chance with (y/n), as long as that fragment of their relationship still existed in this world. Yet it was all hopeful wishing.

Even long after Seokmin dropped Soonyoung off at his parent's house, bidding the man goodbye and promising to return tomorrow, the events of the day still weighed heavily upon him. And even after shutting his eyes and going to sleep, the memories of (y/n) tormented him throughout the night. Illusions of what could have been had he chosen her at the end. The happy life he could have had with (y/n) in his arms. Chaerim could have been his. He could have had a daughter as beautiful as her. Yet he had given it all up for a piece of paper.

The last person he had seen that night was Seokmin, and he had also wound up being the first person he saw when he woke up the next morning.

"Soonyoung," he called out, shaking the man's shoulders until he stirred from his slumber. "Time to wake up."

The aforementioned man did not look his best, to say the least. Eyes completely bloodshot, face puffy beyond recognition, and his usual sanguine demeanor was depleted until he sat there as nothing more than a breathing human. The living embodiment of the contrast between living and surviving.

Though Seokmin didn't seem too perturbed by his friend's ragged appearance, merely cooing as he patted down the disheveled mane on Soonyoung's head.

"You ready to get back into the ring today?" His voice was chipper, comparable to that of a kindergarten teacher to their students, yet it had little to no effect on Soonyoung who grumbled in response to his patronizingly toned question.

Seokmin stood there as Soonyoung dragged his feet about the room, tugging on whatever clothes he could find, brushing his teeth as he combed his hair, attempting to stay awake through Seokmin's droning dialogue in the background.

"I got everyone's schedule for today. Mingyu and Vernon have the day off. Chan gets off later on today, so he could join us whenever. Seungkwan and Junhui said they couldn't come today because they're working, but Joshua literally has the closing shift and said he'd come around at midnight, so I think they're just not committed enough, you know?

"Jeonghan and Minghao have not responded to me yet, but Jeonghan literally posted on Instagram yesterday, so I know he's ignoring me. Seungcheol and Wonwoo said no for today, but they are available later on this week. Did I forget anybody? I feel like I'm forgetting someone?"

(y/n).

He wanted to ask how she was. If she had fared well after last night. How she felt this morning, waking up after such an eventful night. How Chaerim was doing. What the girls were up to this morning. What they'd be doing later on. If (y/n) still wore blue every Wednesday and acted like it wasn't an actual routine of hers because she didn't think anyone would notice. If he could see her again today.

"Jihoon!" Seokmin snapped his fingers upon realizing, laughing to himself soon after. "Jihoon is busy right now, but he'll join us later."

Their conversation continued once they were in Seokmin's car and driving off.

"So we're going to pick up Mingyu and Vernon and head out for breakfast. At around 12, Jihoon said he'd come join us, so maybe we can take a walk around downtown for old time's sake. At 2, I have to pick up Chaerim and drop her off at Jihyo's, but Chan should–"

"Chaerim?" Soonyoung's eyebrows had risen at the mention of the girl's name, turning to face Seokmin with sudden fascination at the schedule. "You pick up Chaerim from school?"

"Well, from daycare, yeah," Seokmin responded, eyes still trained on the street, but still with that soft grin plastered to his face, the casual air he has when talking about the girl stirring this envious feeling within Soonyoung. "Jihyo gets out of work at 2, but the daycare is pretty out of place on her route home, so I pick up Chaerim and hand her to Jihyo. And then at 5, (y/n) gets out of work and she retrieves the child from Jihyo and they head home."

Soonyoung sat there enraptured at Seokmin's words, nodding and absorbing everything said as if he himself would need the knowledge in the coming future. Seokmin kept talking afterwards, continuing where he left off regarding Chan's and Josh's arrival before they had finally reached their destination.

This 24/7 breakfast joint they'd frequent as they grew up, Attacca. They'd eat waffles there as a child with their families, eat waffles after school while procrastinating on doing their homework, eat waffles on snow days when they had nothing better to do, eat waffles at 2 am after late night parties at each other's houses. And even now as the four of them sat together to catch up, they ate those exact same waffles.

"You still have the high score on Galaga?" Soonyoung gaped as Vernon nodded cockily, leaning back against the chipped leather of the booth they sat at, arms raised triumphantly while he basked in the glory of his achievements.

"The undefeated champion still reigns to this day." Vernon began waving to his imaginary fans, blowing kisses and posing for photos as Mingyu grimaced at the overplayed fantasy happening before him.

"He goes to that same rundown laundromat every month to make sure he hasn't been bested, as if kids are even still going there." Soonyoung chuckled at Mingyu's words, which had supposedly gone over Vernon's head as he continued to fantasize about the glories of victory, muttering to himself about how he would love to accept Oprah's invitation to her show. "Though on the less pathetic side of things, my restaurant is doing very well."

"I can't believe you actually own a restaurant." Soonyoung took a sip from his chocolate milk, humming in amusement at the thought of Chef Mingyu. "That's insane. Congrats, man."

"Thank you very much."

"Yeah, Mingyu said he'd serve us for free next time we go," Seokmin quickly added, earning a kick under the table from Mingyu himself.

"Wait, is Mingyu finally feeding us for free?" Vernon asked, mouth agape as he finally snapped out of whatever trance he had propelled himself into minutes earlier.

"No, Mingyu is not feeding you freeloaders." Mingyu elbowed Vernon as he spoke, glaring at the group before him with disgust. "You get discounts at most, but I'd go bankrupt if you all came to my restaurant for free."

"You hear that, boys, dinner at Mingyu's tonight." Seokmin tossed his hand forward, immediately receiving a high five from Vernon on command as the two continued to goad Mingyu. With a roll of his eyes, he redirected his attention to Soonyoung, offering the man an excited smile.

"So, Soonyoung, what's up with you? Six years on your own, new degree, job offer. You've got so much going on for you!"

"Thanks." Soonyoung smiled, stirring his straw in his drink absentmindedly as his eyes lowered to the table's surface. "I'll be off again in a few weeks presumably. For that job offer."

"I don't know if this is dumb of me to ask, but what does an engineer do?" Vernon questioned, shoveling another load of waffle into his mouth.

Soonyoung pouted as he thought about the question, because to be fair, he doesn't even know what his job will entail. Six years in college. He's learned his way around a computer. He knows how to fix things now. That's pretty much all he can say, because to be honest, he doesn't know what awaits him in the future. He doesn't know what finally entering the field of his career entails for him. He doesn't know if it'll be what he had anticipated out of such an intensive career. If it'll prove the regrets that stir within him wrong, prove that it was worth leaving everything behind to pursue.

Suddenly, Chaerim and (y/n) came to mind. A little glimpse of them together popped into his head, (y/n) chiding her daughter who had just planted a kiss onto his nose. With those two girls remaining in his mind, he was beginning to seriously doubt that last presumption of his.

Because no amount of money in the world could possibly top the exhilarating feeling that settled at the base of his heart when he was with them both yesterday.

"I don't know," Soonyoung announced, rather proudly regarding the circumstances, causing the lot to burst into laughter at his own confusion.

"Well, hopefully it comes easy to you," Mingyu spoke, bringing his coffee mug up to his lips for a sip. "Who would have thought the tech challenged Soonyoung would become a software engineer of all things."

"I wasn't that bad."

"You typed like a grandma after her fifth shot of tequila," Vernon interjected with a shake of his head. "We all know (y/n) was the one who had prepared all of your presentations for you."

Soonyoung nervously chuckled at the mention of her name. His technical ex girlfriend, as painful as it sounded. And as true as that was, so was Vernon's statement.

They'd be lying on his bed, her laptop in between them as she helped organize his notes and points on one PowerPoint. She'd type away, showing him different things the program offered, putting in her own input on designing, and he'd merely sit there and listen, head tucked away in the nook of her neck as he dozed off to her gentle voice. He'd fall asleep while she worked, and she'd wake him up by littering kisses all over his face. He'd rehearse his presentation for her alongside the PowerPoint, just to show how her work would not be going to waste. She'd applaud him, congratulating him even though he had done the bare minimum, but it felt good nevertheless. To be doted upon by the girl he loves the most, falling asleep in her arms the night before his project, that good luck kiss before he'd enter class that he swore was the key to his passing grades.

Soonyoung would wait for (y/n) after class to tell her how it went, and the smile she'd bless him with was like the cherry on top of it all. This big, gorgeous smile that was so bright and happy for him and him alone.

As if punishment upon him, for even daring to derive even a shred of happiness from a past memory, the blissful image of (y/n)'s smile had been torn away from him, instead replaced by one of their last moments together.

It was in his room as he was packing away his clothes for college. (y/n) sat on his bed, folding whatever she could and neatly organizing it into his luggage whilst filling the quietude with her thoughts.

Though Soonyoung couldn't really recall much of what she was saying that day. He was too into his own head. He was too distracted by his own thoughts plaguing his psyche. Thoughts that he had initially written off as intrusive ones that would soon fade away, though they remained recurrent, sprouting forth practically every moment he spent with (y/n) until every waking second of his life revolved around those thoughts and those thoughts alone.

(y/n) managed to snap him back into reality as she began directing her voice towards him.

"You'll have to text me when you get situated over there!" She gushed, far more excited for him than he was for himself. "I mean, you'll text me when you get there of course, but you have to text me when everything's settled and you have some spare time. I can fly over and meet you." She slipped off his bed, shuffling over to him and wrapping him in a hug. Soonyoung naturally reciprocated it, arms embracing her against him, relishing in the warmth and comfort that came with holding her. That keen familiarity that he'd never grow weary of no matter the distance or the time which passed. But even so, even with her presence serving as an anchor for him, his mind was elsewhere, drifting far from reason and compiling what he could only describe as utter nonsense now.

"(y/n)," he muttered aloud, somehow hoping she wouldn't hear him even though he spoke right by her ear. She hummed, cursing him into finishing what he had started. "How do you feel about all of this?"

"About what? College?" He hesitantly pulled away from her, arms loosely holding her as he took in her appearance once more, as if needing the momentary motivation to continue with whatever he was doing.

"About me going to college. About me leaving everything behind." His eyes flickered about her face, tension settling in his eyebrows as his emotions were already beginning to seep through his facade. "About me leaving you behind."

"That's a weird way of putting it," she laughed dismissively at his words, though still hummed in thought. "I feel… conflicted." His arms strained for a second, briefly gripping onto (y/n) as she paused for consideration. "Of course I'd love to have you with me or me with you, but we can't. At least not right now." She tilted her head with a pout forming on her lips before she smiled resolutely. "Life has other things planned for us right now. You're off to do great things, to study and get a career like you always wanted, and I'll be here, finding some sort of stability like I've always wanted.

"But that's okay," she tugged him along with her to the bed, seating him on the edge and cozying herself against him, head resting on his shoulder with her arms draped over him. "Because we'll always be here supporting one another. I'll be right here when you're ready to come back."

He hadn't even realized he was crying until he felt a tear brush past his lip, her words being the nail in the coffin for those incessant anxieties that had tormented him for weeks now.

"(y/n), I think we should break up."

The words felt like poison in his mouth, churning his stomach until it was wrought with absolute disgust. There was a conflict in his body, one that had him beating himself for having even uttered said cursed words, but it was too late. He had spoken his thoughts.

(y/n) had stiffened in his arms, silent as Soonyoung battled with himself, but then she slowly pulled away from him. Her eyes were blank at first, face stoic whilst analyzing his expression for any sign of humor or any indication that what he said was merely a cruel joke. But it wasn't.

"Soonyoung, what are you trying to do? Talk to me before making such a large decision like that on your own." Even at such a young age, she was so mature. It was something he had always admired about her. How level headed she was, how calm and patient she became whenever he was off his hinges. She continued to show that maturity of hers, concealing whatever emotions she may be feeling and instead waiting for Soonyoung to calm down enough to talk.

"I…" He had begun, eyes straying to his lap when he felt his words get caught in his throat, his body quaking with an incoming sob, though quickly collecting himself, clearing his throat of any obstruction and continuing. "You have been the light of my life for as long as I can remember. I've loved you for longer than I could even talk. You are the love of my life, and that's very clear to see." He paused, gathering his thoughts once more. (y/n) remained where she sat, hands having slid down to his biceps where they tentatively rested. "And all I've ever wanted was your happiness… But I think I will become that obstacle for you. I will be the thing preventing you from being happy."

"Why would you ever say that about yourself, Soonyoung?" She cupped his face, bringing his gaze back to her intimidatingly serious one. "You can't be in the way of my happiness if you are my happiness."

"(y/n), we've never been away from each other for even a day." Soonyoung all but wept, eyes blurring with tears as he laughed incredulously at his own statement. School field trips, family road trips, even girl scout camping included them both, Soonyoung somehow getting away with disguising as his sister when they were all children. "I don't think we'll be able to make it long distance."

"Who says we can't?"

"I do." His voice was broken, as was the rest of him, barely able to hold himself where he sat. (y/n) was quiet for a moment, in complete shock of what was happening in front of her.

"Why are you so confident we can't do long distance? Sure, we've never been apart, but who's to say we can't survive away from each other? Soonyoung…" Yet again, (y/n) found herself redirecting his attention back to her, making sure he could see the absolute resolve in her eyes. "I love you. And I know you love me just as much. Isn't that enough reassurance?"

Soonyoung could see how serious she was. He could see how much she was holding back, wanting to also burst into tears alongside him at such a scary moment in their lives, but even so, he had his mind settled.

"No, it's not." She flinched at his words, her hands suddenly pulled away from him as if his skin were fire. She was taken aback, eyes wavering as Soonyoung began rubbing away his tears.

"Why are you acting this way? You're not even giving us a chance. You're acting as if everything we've built together was for nothing. As if all those years together were just child's play when you literally mean the world to me."

"(y/n), I love you," he interjected, shutting his eyes and taking a deep, final breath. "I love so much. You are everything to me. And I know I can't live without you. But I can't bear to see you lose yourself to a long distance relationship like this."

"Soonyoung–"

"You deserve a fulfilling and present love. A love that you won't have to struggle with time differences just to video call, a love where you don't have to be decided over homework, a love that's just as invigorating and perfect as you, and I'm no longer a viable option."

He didn't know what had done it—which of his words had finally broken her fortitude, but before he knew it, he heard sniffling beside him, and when he finally met her gaze again, there were tears running down her face, lips downturned whilst staring back at him in disappointment.

"Who even are you anymore?" He stayed quiet at her question, not really knowing how to even answer this if he had wanted to. Physically, he was still Soonyoung, but so much had happened in such a short duration of time that he felt like his soul lay dormant deep within him. He didn't know what entity of sorts took over that compelled him to act in such a way and feel these doubts he's never felt before, but there was no changing him at this point.

And within seconds, this strong, independent girl Soonyoung had grown to love with all of his heart had deteriorated with defeat. She pulled her hands away from his in lieu of shielding her face, leaving cold pockets on his body from where her touch had once resided. He felt a stab at his heart as she silently wept to herself, a sight he rarely if ever saw from her. And to know that he was the reason she was like this killed him inside.

Yet even so, he still didn't take back his words. He didn't apologize for destroying their relationship so heartlessly. He just sat there, watching her, knowing this would be the last image of her he'd see before flying the next morning.

And as greedy as it was—as absolutely cold and insensitive as it was for him to do—he slid closer to her, hands hovering over her wrists for a second more, as if giving himself one more chance to stop, but it seemed as if his body had now begun running on autopilot. Latching onto her hands, he gently tugged them away from her face, cupping her cheeks so as to have her looking at him.

She was crushed, tears an endless stream of moisture seeping from her now reddened eyes, facial muscles contorted with sadness. It was a sight that absolutely destroyed Soonyoung, yet still it was undeniable in his mind: she was as beautiful as she had always been and always would be.

Perhaps it was with that thought, that subtle reminder that he truly did and always would love her for who she was, that compelled him to lean forward, pressing his lips onto hers one last time, as if one last proclamation of his eternal love for her. His eyes had shut, tears slipping away from him as he brought her closer to him, pouring out every ounce of affection he could, hoping that what his words failed to convey, his kiss would translate—show her that somewhere in him, Soonyoung still resided; that she hadn't lost him entirely yet.

She had kissed him back, hands threading through his hair and pulling him closer, afraid that if she had let go, he'd disappear from her forever.

And her fears had proven true. After that last night together, tangled in each other's limbs, their final moments expressing their love for one another, he had left, leaving behind a kiss on her forehead and his heart now in her hands as he flew across the country, an emotionless void as he pursued what he thought he'd always wanted.

His demeanor had changed greatly during breakfast, something Seokmin had noticed almost immediately. The boys agreed to meet up later when the others were available, agreeing to hit up some places around the city together. Seokmin was driving Soonyoung home for the time being, refraining from mentioning his solemn expression as he sat in the passenger's seat quietly. The man had too many thoughts running through his mind at all times. It was something that Soonyoung had always dealt with. They'd be talking about one thing, and within a second, Soonyoung would have changed the route of their conversation because he suddenly remembered something. Though now rather than his silly little conversational segues growing up, his thoughts seemed a dark place that no one would want to venture into. Seokmin just hoped that their friends would be able to distract him some later tonight.

Once they pulled into the driveway of Soonyoung's parent's house, they both stepped out of the vehicle, making their way to the entrance until Seokmin's phone began ringing.

"Hello?" He swiftly answered as Soonyoung fished for his keys. "What? Wait– hold on– Grandma, I– Slow down for a second, slow down. Are you okay? Are you hurt at all?" Soonyoung turned around, eyes widening in shock as he looked at a very concerned and confused Seokmin. "Okay, I'll be right there. Just stay put."

"What happened?"

"She got into a car accident. She said it's a minor one, but still."

"Of course, I understand, go over there," Soonyoung insisted, already ushering Seokmin over to his car.

"Wait, Soonyoung, wait." They both stopped for a moment, facing each other with equally troubled expressions. "It's almost 2 o'clock." Soonyoung's mouth dropped immediately, hand resting on his forehead as he began to truly process Seokmin's plight.

"Chaerim…"

"I know it's a lot to ask of you, but could you pick her up for me?" Seokmin asked, already unlocking his car as he waited for Soonyoung's answer, which came seconds later in vigorous nods. It brought a small smile to his face, seeing some form of life once more in his friend's eyes. "Great, thank you so much, dude. I'll text you the address. I owe you big time."

Once Seokmin had left, Soonyoung immediately rushed into the house to grab his keys before driving off. He must've broken quite a few traffic laws considering he made it to the store, bought a car seat, and installed it, all with just minutes to spare before 2.

He double checked the booster seat once more, shaking it around to ensure it was latched on safely, before he backed away with a huff, turning his attention to her daycare he was parked in front of.

A quaint little location with trees and flowers littered around the front, a sign of alternating primary colors reading 'Little Sun Daycare' under a rainbow arch with clouds on either side. From where he stood, he could see a large, open backyard with all the things to occupy a child's attention span. Though it was barren, so he knew they were all likely nestled away safely inside.

He rubbed his suddenly sweaty palms on the front of his jeans before pulling the door open, wincing at the loud chime over his head once he saw what he had walked into. About a dozen or so children, all scattered across the floor with blankets and pillows as a faint lullaby played on loop behind them. He stood there awkwardly, frozen in place with his eyes darting from each and every child, checking to see if any stirred, though luckily it seemed he'd gotten away with it.

Another moment passed before a lady came around the corner, steps light and casual like the seasoned caregiver she most likely was. She was older with brown hair pulled into a bun, a few wiry gray strands sticking to and fro from what must've been an already strenuous day with the children. She offered Soonyoung a gentle smile, revealing wrinkles that curved with her face, as if showing how often they formed due to her frequent grins and happiness.

"Hello," Soonyoung whispered, practically tiptoeing closer to her out of fear of making any more noise. "I'm sorry for… that." He gestured grandly to the bell behind him. She snickered, waving her hand dismissively to him.

"It's alright, dear, these kids can usually sleep through a stampede." Her voice was low, though definitely not as quiet as Soonyoung had been, and he found himself quickly adapting to her volume levels as she went behind the front desk. "Pick-up?"

"Oh… Yes, I'm here for pick-up." He nodded at her words, somewhat surprised at how quickly she had deduced his reason for coming. She handed him a clipboard of names, presumably that of the kids, before she left to go into the room of napping children.

His eyes scanned the list before settling on Chaerim's. There were two boxes in her row, one for drop off and one for pick-up. (y/n)'s name was already signed in one, and Soonyoung needed a moment to collect himself, gaze now focused on her signature. It was silly of him to feel so affected by mere writing, especially when he had written his name next to hers on the pick-up column. It had the same satisfaction as when he'd write his name with her last name growing up, long before he had the bravery to ask her out and he was merely dealing with a crush that rotted his brain away.

Chaerim. (y/n). Soonyoung.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard a little voice calling out to him.

"Soonie?" He turned around, heart swelling as he saw a tired Chaerim rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Her face was puffy, hair in complete disarray, but she looked absolutely adorable to him. He crouched to his knees with a smile on his face, and that was supposedly enough of a boost for the girl to all but launch herself into his hold, tiny arms thrown around his neck as she buried her face into his shoulder. A warmth spread through his body as he cradled her against him, standing to his full height before facing the woman again.

"She had almost an hour-long nap. Snack time was just before naptime, so she may be hungry. And she was praised today for sharing toys with the other kids." Soonyoung chuckled at this, patting her back approvingly as she refused to stray from where she nestled herself into him.

"Thank you so much," he responded to her, backing away towards the door as he waved goodbye to her.

"Of course. It's lovely to finally meet you!" The words hadn't really hit him until the door had closed behind them. Then he, had stood there frozen for another moment, eyes widened when he processed both her implication and how she had wordlessly gone to retrieve Chaerim. He bit back a smile, continuing his trek to his car as he greeted the little girl in his arms.

"Are you surprised?" He felt her nod against him.

"Yeah," she mumbled into his shirt. "Because usually it's Uncle Seokmin who picks me up. But today, it was Soonie." His cheeks were already hurting from smiling and he hadn't even gotten into the car yet.

"I like the name you've given me," he replied to her as he strapped the little girl into her seat, shaking her around a bit to check again for stability purposes, earning a few bubbly giggles from her before he slipped into the driver's seat.

"Are we going to Aunt Jihyo's? Uncle Seokmin usually takes me to Aunt Jihyo's afterwards. And then Aunt Jihyo and I play games and watch movies until mommy comes." Soonyoung hummed happily at her babbling in the background, refreshing his chat with Seokmin where he had only sent him the address to the daycare. Soonyoung sent a second text out, even though his other one hadn't been read yet. He knew it'd be a stretch asking Chaerim for directions, so with a shake of his head, he began backing out of the parking lot.

"I was actually thinking we could hang, you and me. How does that sound?"

"Yeah!" She hollered loudly, all that drowsiness she had before dissipating as she kicked her legs excitedly.

To be fair, if he weren't driving, he'd also probably be kicking his legs around, the thought of spending time with Chaerim just as exciting of an idea to him as it was to her, and he hadn't even had a full conversation with the girl on his own. It just comes to show how invigorating of a person she was at such a young age already. Just as entrancing as her mother.

It was almost by nature that he had navigated them to the park. It was a quaint area filled with lush trees and winding cobbled paths. At the center of it all was a lake where many visitors would fish or feed the wildlife, and that main walkway encircled the body of water, a route many morning joggers would wind up taking.

Their town wasn't necessarily small, but it also wasn't a grand city with a variety of things to do and places to visit; as such, the park was a sight he and his friends had frequented often whilst growing up together. He remembers learning to skip stones with Minghao at the lake, climbing around the playground with Mingyu and Seokmin as if it were an obstacle course where they couldn't touch the floor, playing manhunt with everyone in the middle of the night. Asking out (y/n) as the sun was setting behind them. It was a place he held near and dear to his heart, and something in him wanted to create even more memories now with Chaerim by his side.

The girl seemed perhaps even more excited than he was, if that were even possible, already preemptively pressing the red button of her car seat and freeing herself from her restraints. Though she sat there anyways, waiting for Soonyoung to turn off the car and take her out of her seat himself.

With her little hand wrapped around two of his fingers, they strolled through the park together, Soonyoung letting her ramble away to her heart's content.

"You should be happy I named you Soonie," she called out to him from where she walked below. He hummed in acknowledgement at this, a confused yet amused smile crossing his face as she continued speaking. "Uncle Seokmin keeps asking me to change his name, but I don't want to."

"Why not? A nickname would be much shorter than Uncle Seokmin."

"What's a nickname?"

"It's when you shorten the person's name. You call me Soonie instead of Soonyoung. Soonie is a nickname."

"Why can't it be your real name?"

"It could if I legally change it."

"Change it."

"Maybe some other day," Soonyoung laughed at her insistence, gazing down at her fondly. How lucky you would have had to been to be blessed with Chaerim's presence on a daily basis. It was a relieving thought to know that three of the most trustworthy people he could name were her guardians.

Jihyo, who had been with (y/n) for years to come. A friend that was one in a million. Someone who stood the test of time, never once straying from (y/n) throughout the duration of their friendship.

He remembers when he had gotten into a fight on (y/n)'s behalf, having heard a guy talking crassly about her. It was Jihyo who had yanked Soonyoung off the guy, urging him to rethink his decision. The last thing (y/n) would want out of this was her boyfriend to be suspended for fighting this jerk. But when the guy continued with his vulgar language regarding (y/n), Jihyo had performed quite possibly the most impressive elbow drop ever seen, landing them both into weeks of detention together.

It was a silly thing to bond over, but nonetheless had sealed a sort of unspoken friendship that neither of them had expected.

Then there was Seokmin, one of his best friends since elementary school—and still claiming that title today.

He was inherently kindhearted, accepting of anyone no matter their circumstances. Soonyoung berated him at times for putting others before himself too often, though it seemed like it didn't affect Seokmin in the slightest. As if he derived all of his enjoyment from helping others, both a selfless but also selfish matter as he did think of others, but he mostly did it because it brought himself joy. Still a saint if there ever was one, and from what he's heard thus far regarding his participation in Chaerim and (y/n)'s life, this still proved true.

Then there was (y/n). Were there even words to describe how perfect (y/n) was? How sweet and caring and loving she is. Warm and doting with kisses that can heal any ailment, physical or emotional. Thoughtful and patient and compassionate. Soonyoung had brought the passion in their relationship, the whimsy that made love so worthwhile and memorable. Yet she was the stability in their relationship, able to ground Soonyoung when he grew too rambunctious, quell any argument that would surface between them, balance the energy Soonyoung evoked with her own tranquility.

There was no better person to mother such an adoring child as Chaerim. No better person to be raised by with such love and tenderness. There was no person like (y/n), nor would there ever be.

"Why is it called nickname?" Chaerim suddenly chimed in, catching Soonyoung off guard who just spoke the first thing in his mind, in a feeble attempt to impress the young girl with his nonexistent knowledge.

"Nick is the shortened version of Nicholas." His eyes had widened comically at his words, impressed by how the reasoning seemed to fit the context, yet also dumbfounded by how idiotic he was. Chaerim didn't seem to be affected by his nonsense.

"So Soonyoung is your Nicholasname?"

"Yes." He could already sense another question on the tip of the inquisitive girl's tongue, and Soonyoung couldn't find it in himself to lie to her again. "Oh, look at that!" He threw his hand up with a gasp leaving his mouth, pointing to the ice cream truck just off the edge of the path they walked on. While he seemed excited, Chaerim was otherwise unimpressed, drawing nearer to him as they stopped in their path.

"I'm not allowed to have ice cream," she explained, to which Soonyoung gaped at her response, almost immediately crouching to her level in shock.

"Why not? Is it something about spoiling your dinner?" She hummed at his question, needing a moment to herself to think of her words.

"Mommy says I can't. She says I lack toes in taller ants." Soonyoung blinked in wonder at this, in complete and utter confusion at what she was getting at. Lack toes in taller ants. Lack toes. In taller ants.

"Lack toes… Lactose intolerant." His voice was barely above a whisper, both hesitant of his conclusion, but also fearful for the answer—on whether she truly is lactose intolerant.

She nodded.

His breathing was shaky, nerves alight as he nodded at her response. His heart felt like it had seized in his chest for a moment, yet even with the internal panic setting in, he still felt a smile twitching at his lips.

"Well, lucky for you, this ice cream truck has ice cream you can eat." Her eyes widened, a wide toothy grin setting in.

"Really?"

"Yeah. And you can trust me on this. I'm also lactose intolerant." She laughed in absolute wonderment, allowing him to scoop her up and take her to the ice cream truck he used to visit as a child himself.

Ordering the ice cream felt sort of like a fever dream as he was still processing the newfound information. The coincidences were becoming far too frequent for him to ignore. Chaerim's undeniable resemblance to him that has even stumped people outside their circumstances. Chaerim's genetic lactose intolerance that she had to have gotten from someone other than (y/n). Even now as they ate their sorbets, they had similar tastes.

"I don't like this," Chaerim said, sticking out her tongue in disgust.

"Then why'd you ask for it?"

"Mommy says I like peaches." Soonyoung chuckled at this, glancing down at his strawberry sorbet one last time before extending it to the girl seated beside him.

"Here, try mine." She leant forward, biting into the pink dome of sweetness before humming in delight and nodding. Gone was his strawberry, now eating her peach one—which he also didn't really like all that much.

She was cozied up into his side, all but devouring her strawberry treat while Soonyoung soaked in the moment. He memorized the way the sun beat down upon them, how the cool breeze passed by and chilled the perspiration settling on their faces. The feeling of fulfillment gripping at his heart just from being with Chaerim, feeling her so close to his side, taking in the radiance she emitted, her happiness that he had managed to instill in her. It was an emotion he never thought existed, but now couldn't get enough. Something only she seemed to awaken in him, and something he'd quite possibly never grow weary of.

"DK," She shouted enthusiastically all of the sudden, startling Soonyoung some out of his thoughts.

"What's DK?"

"Uncle Seokmin."

"How'd you come up with that?"

"It's the letters in his name. Seok and Min."

"That's not… There's no… Okay." She giggled at him, causing him to laugh along with her. Her head pressed into the side of his chest, right along where his heart seemed to beat more obviously by the moment. It was such a perfect moment, and Soonyoung's delusions seemed to continuously feed into that delight, yet something in him nagged incessantly, a voice that seemed to call upon his downfall as his mouth opened. "Chaerim… How old are you?"

"I'm turning 4." She proudly raised up four fingers into Soonyoung's sight, and his heart all but shattered alongside the fantasy that had been concocted in his head at the moment.

She was 3. Far too young to have been his child.

He didn't understand. There was so much that said otherwise. So many signs that supported his beliefs. So many reasons to prove that she was his daughter. It confused him. It left his heart in fractures. It had this numb feeling quickly settling in, reminding him that he was nothing. That he was delusional to have even thought for a moment Chaerim was his. That he had even the slightest chance of reconnecting with (y/n). That he could ever possibly get this dream life that he had abandoned on his own.

"Soonie, I like ice cream. Can we get more later?" He bit his lip, blinking away the tears that threatened to surface and began nodding his head. A grin settled over his face at Chaerim's request, sighing in relief as he was forced back into reality. The reality that although he wasn't her father, he still very much so loved this little girl, and nothing could change that.

"Of course, sunshine," he cooed, fingers combing through the thin strands of her jet black hair. "We'll have to get permission from your mommy first. I'm not even sure if I was allowed to do this much."

"And when mommy says yes, we can all get ice cream together." Soonyoung's heart skipped a beat at the mere mention of (y/n), but his mind blanked upon the insinuation of her joining them. The three of them all together, spending a day in the park eating ice cream like a little family.

His perfect little family.

"Yeah. We'll do just that."

"Pinky promise?" She held out her hand to him, pinky jutted out expectantly as she looked up at him.

"Pinky promise." He linked his pinky with hers, earning more of her pleased giggles that soothed away all of his anxieties.

Time passed by quickly, and soon Soonyoung was waiting at (y/n)'s door, seated on the ground as Chaerim continued talking to him. The elevator they had used to arrive at the apartment chimed, and out rushed a panicked (y/n), eyes manic as she zeroed in on her daughter.

"Mommy!" Chaerim called out, rushing over to the woman who dropped to her knees, a sigh of relief puffing out of her as she finally had her daughter back in her arms.

"My baby, thank heavens you're alright." Soonyoung smiled fondly at the sight, taking another moment to watch the two before he rose to his feet, garnering (y/n)'s attention.

"I'm sorry. I would've called you about the change in plans, but I basically only had Seokmin's number, and Seokmin was preoccupied." She nodded, also standing up with him, Chaerim wrapped in her arms.

"I understand," she responded, heading over to her front door. "Could you get my keys out of my bag?"

Soonyoung automatically obeyed, fishing out her keys in mere seconds as he unlocked the door for the two. He followed close behind, slipping her bag off her shoulder and allowing her to peacefully reconvene with her daughter in the living room, cradling the young girl for a few more minutes to herself.

"Mommy, Soonie picked me up today!"

"I know, that's so fun, isn't it?"

"Yeah! DK was busy, so Soonie came."

"DK?"

"And then we went to the park!" Soonyoung snorted as Chaerim completely ignored (y/n)'s confusion, leaning against the wall and watching (y/n) struggle to keep up with her daughter. "We went to the park and we had ice cream!"

"Ice cream?" She turned to look at Soonyoung, a hint of confusion, but upon seeing him mouth 'sorbet', she nodded in understanding, smiling as she returned to her daughter. "That's exciting! Was it yummy?"

"No!" Chaerim proclaimed proudly, (y/n)'s jaw dropping at the rollercoaster of a conversation happening. "I had peach ice cream first."

"You don't like peaches." Soonyoung had to hold back his laugh, chest quaking with contained cackles, remembering how confidently Chaerim had explained her mom telling her she liked peaches. Though that laughter dissipated, quickly replaced with betrayal as Chaerim continued.

"Soonie said I liked peaches." While Soonyoung was about to defend his position, (y/n) merely nodded, already accustomed to Chaerim's inconsistencies as a toddler. "But he gave me his strawberry, and it was really yummy!"

"You swapped ice creams?" (y/n) asked, gaze returning to Soonyoung, a ghost of a smile on her lips with that familiar glint of fondness returning to her eyes, a sight that Soonyoung couldn't recall the last time seeing, and it had him shaken to his core right at that moment, stomach twisting in knots and heart pounding against his chest as the emotions swirling in him seemed to awaken from their hibernation.

"Yeah we did! We can swap again next time with you!" (y/n) drifted her attention back to Chaerim, that fleeting tender gaze dissipating, soon replaced by confusion once more.

"What?"

"Soonie and I want you to eat ice cream with us!"

She didn't look back at Soonyoung, merely nodding in agreement and faintly smiling.

"Of course, sweetheart. I'll join you guys next time." Before Chaerim could offer her pinky as she did him, (y/n) stood from the couch. "Soonie has to go now though! Go ahead and say goodbye!"

(y/n) was already walking away as her daughter whined in protest, darting over to where Soonyoung resided and clinging to his legs.

"Soonie, don't go!"

God, he didn't want to. It was the last thing on his mind, especially when he met her glassy eyed stare, a pleading gaze begging him not to leave her. His heart was too weak for this, but he knew he couldn't disobey (y/n)'s decree, and he begrudgingly lowered to his knees, gathering Chaerim in his arms for one last hug.

"It's alright, sunshine. There's always another day. I made a promise, didn't I?" With one last squeeze, he pulled away, making sure he looked at her with the most unwaveringly resolute expression he could muster. "And I never break my promises."

She giggled and nodded, hugging him again before running off to her room, leaving (y/n) and him alone at the foyer.

"I'm really sorry about today," Soonyoung began, quick to break the silence before it grew to be too tense. "Seokmin had that issue with his grandmother, and he forgot to text me Jihyo's address–"

"It's okay, Soonyoung. Really." Her voice was soft as she cut him off, hand raised to silence him. "I should be thanking you, to be honest. This is probably the most fun she's had in a long time."

"No need to thank me at all." Soonyoung gave a subtle laugh, looking down at his feet bashfully. "Chaerim is the sweetest little girl out there. I had a very good day with her."

(y/n) smiled at this, nodding at his words before turning to begin making dinner.

"I'm glad. She seems to really like you." She hesitated for a moment, causing mid sentence. "Thank you… for giving her your time of day. It really means a lot to us."

"(y/n)..." He knew where her words came from. He could hear it in her tone. The pain. The betrayal. The wounds still fresh from when he had left her that morning. Left her to wake up on her own to an empty bed and no other word from him. Completely and utterly alone. He knew what he had done, and while he regretted it with every fiber of his being, he still stood there, contemplating what he could possibly say to someone he had left behind years and years ago. Because no matter how much he regrets his actions, he can never take it back. "I'm sorry… I know it doesn't make up for anything, but truly, I'm genuinely, desperately sorry."

Her eyes were focused on the granite of her countertop, hands shaking while clenched together on the surface. She was holding so much in, and it killed Soonyoung. Knowing he had left her this way. That he reduced her to this state.

"It's fine. It's in the past." Her voice was steady and calm, a contrast to her physical appearance where she seemed to be barely holding herself up. But in typical (y/n) fashion, she looked up at him, all emotion stowed away as she greeted him with that professional facade of hers; the one that she used on everyone to hide how she truly felt. The facade that she had never once directed to him because he could see right through it every time. And it hurt. Seeing how she couldn't even bear to share even a fragment of emotion to him anymore, as if last night's crying fest between the two was for nothing. He hated it. Indifference felt even colder than the sting of hatred. He'd much rather have preferred she loathed him to the depths of his soul, yet she just waved it off, smiling and making her way around him and to her door. "New era, new me. There's no use in holding grudges or holding on to the past. I appreciate everything you've done for Chaerim today. But I'm sure she's taken up quite a bit of your day, and I wouldn't want to waste anymore of your time."

The door was wide open before Soonyoung could even get a say in, and he unwillingly walked out of the apartment, steps slow and dragging as he passed by (y/n) avoiding his stare by focusing on the floor beneath them.

"I…" Soonyoung spoke as he passed the threshold of their home, turning around before (y/n) could start closing the door. She looked up at him, brows furrowed together warily at what he could possibly want. "Can I… take Chaerim out some days while I'm here?" Her mouth fell open, but nothing came out, merely shocked to hear Soonyoung's preposition. "I don't have any plans this month, and I really did enjoy my time with her. And I'll take good care of her. That is, only if we have your permission, of course."

"I'll… I'll have to see how she feels about this. You know, since it's also her opinion on the matter."

"Of course." Soonyoung hesitated for a moment, biting his lip in thought, but he urged himself to push forward. "Can I… give you my number? So we can stay in contact about… Chaerim?"

"Soonyoung…" She was tongue-tied to say the least, fumbling over noncommittal words and syllables, trying to get herself out of this situation, but to no avail. It brought a smile to his face as she pulled out her phone and handed it to him, because he did have a point. As a mother, she wouldn't want what happened today to happen again. Yes, Soonyoung was playing on her natural maternal instincts, but he meant well nevertheless.

With their numbers exchanged, she bid him farewell, thanking him one last time before allowing the door to fall closed behind her. And Soonyoung walked out of that apartment building triumphantly, pleased with himself and how his day had gone. His heart felt more full than it ever had before, all because he had the knowledge of (y/n)'s number stored into his phone. It was a silly thing, but something that had him beaming to himself as he took a moment to stare at her contact in his car. He felt like a schoolboy all over again, gushing about his crush who had given him the bare minimum, but God did the bare minimum feel like everything he's ever wanted in life.

He was snapped out of his revelry with his phone vibrating in hand, Seokmin's contact taking over his screen with an incoming call.

"Hello?" Soonyoung answered.

"Soonyoung, hey! It's Seokmin. I just wanted to check up on how everything's going. My grandma got checked up, she just has a few bruises that should clear up in a few weeks. Car doesn't look too good, but at least she's fine."

"That's great!" Soonyoung sighed for his friend, smiling at the good news. "I'm glad to hear everything is okay. As for me, today went well. I picked up Chaerim and took her to the park. We had some sorbets together, walked around a bit, and I just finished dropping her off at (y/n)'s."

"Awesome, I seriously owe you, dude."

"No, you don't." Soonyoung's eyes glanced up to (y/n)'s floor, comfortingly smiling at whatever the girls could be up to at this time. "I honestly owe you, if we're being honest."

"Ah, you see what I mean?" Seokmin spoke in a teasing manner, and Soonyoung could already envision the shit eating grin across his friend's face. "Isn't she the sweetest thing ever. I love hanging out with her."

"I do, too," Soonyoung confessed, eyes slowly moving down from the apartment building, naturally landing on his rearview mirror with a clear image of Chaerim's now empty booster seat. "Listen, Seokmin, I have a… serious question to ask you."

"Shoot, what's up?"

"Who's Chaerim's father?"

The line was dead silent with only the natural buzz of feedback to greet his ears. His hand clenched at the wheel, waiting for Seokmin's words which seemed to be far too delayed for his taste. As if this silence would stretch on for another eon with Soonyoung wasting away, waiting in anticipation for his answer, only hoping it's the one he wants.

"I don't know," Seokmin responded, his tone growing grave with his words. "I'm not sure… But I mean, Jihyo is basically her dad. We like to joke around that she's more of a dad than an aunt to the girl, you know what I mean?" Soonyoung pursed his lips, easily seeing how Seokmin redirected the conversation. But he didn't dwell on that, nodding to himself at his friend's excuse of an answer.

"Yeah, I get you. Jihyo is a real one."

"I actually have to go and deal with her now, because I had like 20 missed calls from her and I called you first to delay the inevitable when I have to call her back." Soonyoung expelled some air from his nose in a soft, breathy laugh.

"I wish you luck, my friend."

"Thank you, I'll be needing it. I'll pick you up at 8 tonight. Sounds good?"

"Sounds good to me."

Soonyoung may have drank too much last night. And he may have woken up with a hangover so bad that even laying on his pillow had his head pounding. All of this may hold true, but none of it stopped Soonyoung from downing some painkillers and heading out to the daycare, far too excited to even consider the pain throbbing at his skull. Because through all of the agony he had woken to, there was one shining light at the end of the dim tunnel; a text from (y/n), saying that both she and Chaerim had consented to him picking her up and spending the day with her.

He was lucky that the other guys were just as drunk as him, Seokmin not even reading Soonyoung's message telling him he was going to be busy that day—perhaps still knocked out after their rambunctious night, one that Soonyoung struggled to remember.

He could only remember glimpses of memories here and there. Joshua pulling a Gatorade out of his backpack and mixing it with his shot, attracting the attention of passersby who also wanted a douse of Gatorade infused in their liquor. He remembered Seokmin trying to front flip on the karaoke stage and failing miserably, laying there flat on his back as the instrumental to Call Me Maybe continued playing in the background. He remembered Mingyu and Chan trying to impress girls by using their strength in quite possibly the dumbest way Soonyoung had ever seen being attempted; Chan trying to do pull ups on Mingyu's arms who desperately flexed to try and hold the boy up—though it did manage to impress many guys at the bar, and they made quite a few gym friends along the way.

He was just grateful he managed to find his way home somehow in one piece, and made it a reminder to check on the others later in the day when they've likely recovered. But for now, he was on his way to the daycare, ready to retrieve Chaerim early so they could be together for even longer today.

The pick up was much like the day before, though this time, Soonyoung came before naptime and was greeted by many smiling faces playing together in the next room. The lady came to greet him once more as Chaerim clung to him again, and soon they were off.

"Where are we going today, Soonie!" She shouted from where she sat, inside voice out the window as she kicked her feet excitedly once more. The sight warmed his heart, the small mirrored image of her in his rearview mirror sparking this wholesome comfort in his heart, a fond smile stretching across his face.

"I haven't decided yet, sunshine," he replied. "We can go to the zoo–"

"The zoo!" She cried enthusiastically, the shrillness of her voice somewhat grating on his ear, triggering another throbbing sensation in his head, though he shook it off with a wince and a shrug. "I want the zoo, Soonie! I want the zoo!"

"Or we can go to the mall and I can buy you whatever you want."

She grew quiet all of a sudden, startling Soonyoung who quickly glanced at his rearview mirror to see the girl staring off into oblivion, mouth ajar and eyes glazed over. She sat there completely motionless for a few seconds, and Soonyoung was about to pull over to check on her when she suddenly sat up again.

"Soonie buys me toys at the zoo."

He blinked at her proposition, but nevertheless nodded with a laugh.

"Sounds like a plan. Good job finding a compromise so quickly."

"What's a com-pom-rise?"

The remainder of the journey was repetitive, to say the least, with Chaerim babbling nonsensically, hitting Soonyoung with unexpected questions as if to keep him on track with her discussions, singing songs together, and at some point she dozed off for five minutes before waking up fully energized.

And the zoo was as good an idea as ever, perhaps better than it had gone in his head when he had been deliberating on potential places to take the young girl. Her smile seemed to never fade throughout the day, a permanent fixture on her face as he brought her to each and every animal they had to offer. He'd hold her up to get a better view of the monkeys, summarize what the tour guides said in words she'd understand, even had his arm wrapped around her the entire time she was in the petting zoo, far too wary to approach any of the animals on her own.

All the while, he snapped photos of her and him, sending them to (y/n) to keep her updated. It felt bittersweet to have her on speed dial once more. Accessible to him at any moment in time. He'd remember them texting each other at night, using up all of their minutes just to be with the other. And later on, they'd call each other for hours at a time, his face pressed into the pillow and his phone resting on his ear, dozing off to the sound of her absent-minded humming. Though again, they were merely memories at this point. And he was reminded of that as he sent her the next batch of images, the last one staring back at him almost mockingly.

One where his face was pressed against Chaerim's, the both of them sporting the same toothy smile, cheeks puffed with joy and eyes crinkled into slits. While the fact still remained—that being Chaerim is not his biological child—he couldn't help but feel a sense of comfort looking at the image. A sort of reminder of what could have been. That this little girl is what his child with (y/n) would've looked like had he not thrown everything away.

"Soonie," said little girl called up to him, tugging at the hem of his shirt to summon his attention. "I'm tired."

That's right, he picked her up before naptime. Not only that, but they've been walking around the zoo for a few hours now. Of course she's bound to be tired, she's still practically a baby. He could probably find a quiet spot where she can nap. She can use his jacket as a blanket and his lap as a pillow. Would that be sufficient enough? What if it's too sunny out for her to nap? Is there a place that's even quiet enough? What if she collapses on him out of exhaustion?

Another tug at his shirt has him crouching to her height almost immediately, and Chaerim took the opportunity to latch onto his neck, scrambling into his arms so when he stood again, she was safely nestled against him. As if through magic, her touch settled the frenzied thoughts swirling in his head, silencing his incessant doubts and worries with a simple hug. The ends of her pigtails tickled beneath his jaw, grounding him and bringing a smile to his face.

This must've been what it felt like to be a father. The thought harrowing, the responsibilities debilitating, worries for your child being an inevitable occurrence with every waking moment. Yet at the end of the day, when you had them in your arm, feeling their comforting weight against you, it was like there was nothing to even worry about. Like all of those struggles endured were worth it in the end. Like nothing else in the world mattered, as long as they were safe and happy. This fulfilling sense of harmony like the calm after the storm, the remedy to his qualms, the spark of warmth in an otherwise frigid wasteland.

What power such a tiny human held, one that he had only met some few days ago, yet one that he found himself loving wholeheartedly, willing to throw everything away if that's what she asked of him. There they sat on a secluded bench, his jacket draped on her back as she dozed off on his shoulder. The hanging branches above them offered a generous amount of shade, yet those pesky rays of light that peeked through the leaves threatened Chaerim's rest, so Soonyoung sat there with his hand hovering over her face, making sure nothing disturbed her peace. His arm ached and his shoulder had long gone numb from keeping its position, though he found he couldn't care less about these minor inconveniences.

Not when his little sunshine was sleeping calmly against him, her steady breaths puffing against his neck as her fists weakly pawed at his shirt.

The zoo trip finally reached its conclusion, Chaerim strapped into her car seat between her new flamingo, giraffe, and tiger toys, who were also strapped into their seats. The latter was a given, Soonyoung already snagging it from its hook and adding it to her pile. She didn't complain though, if her talking to her new tiger was any indication. On the way home, she had already bestowed upon it the noble name of Stripey, as well as an entire backstory about Stripey having fled from her wartorn kingdom before the enemy lion troops were to capture her, taking refuge in the zoo until Chaerim came to her rescue.

Soonyoung was very invested, on the edge of his seat whenever she hit him with yet another plot twist to the convoluted story, to the point that he hadn't even realized he'd made it to the apartment building until he had actually parked, nor did he truly acknowledge the situation at hand until Chaerim had rapped her knuckles against the door once they had reached the apartment itself.

Moments later, the door opened, and there stood (y/n) in all of her glory. It was idiotic how absolutely awestruck Soonyoung was every time he saw. How enamored he was with her whenever he so much as stood in her presence. The impact she had on him still to this day something that astonished him, though at the same time didn't necessarily surprise him, as she had lingered in his mind practically every day since the moment he first met her.

Soonyoung stood in sheer wonderment as usual, though was suddenly sent hurtling into a completely different sense of astoundment as she blessed him with a smile. A warm and genuine grin with tinges of bittersweet poignancy at its edges. It wasn't that conflicted, distant gaze she usually looked at him with, watching him as one would an exhibit of sorts. It felt new, yet comfortingly familiar in a way. As if slowly but surely, her exterior was melting away.

"Mommy!" Chaerim shouted, squirming out of Soonyoung's arms the moment (y/n) appeared. She managed to wrangle the little girl from Soonyoung's wavering grip, chuckling to herself at the fear that flashed Soonyoung's eyes the moment he thought he'd drop Chaerim. He was left to trail after the two, right arm still clutching the three stuffed animals and the small gift shop bag. All the while, Chaerim babbled on to her mother about the entirety of her day.

Soonyoung was leant against the wall as the two girls sat themselves on the couch, the scene similar to the day before, yet also vastly different. The setting sun's rays seeping in through the windows no longer felt like an anxious conclusion to the day, though instead a hopeful end. One where Soonyoung could rest assured that he wasn't being completely removed from the equation. He couldn't really pinpoint it, but it felt as if something changed. As if turning a new leaf. Watching the girls talk hadn't felt like he was intruding on a private conversation, but instead spectating the amusing scene of a toddler desperately strewing words together to describe the events of the zoo to her mother.

"And then–and then Soonie and I went to see the rhinos, and they were like this big," she exclaimed excitedly, tossing her arms open to indicate the sheer size of the animals mentioned. (y/n) nodded, undoing Chaerim's pigtails and combing through her locks. "And then we saw the giraffes and they were even bigger!"

"No way," (y/n) responded, triggering another surge of excitement from the little girl who insisted vehemently on the giraffe's staggering height. Soonyoung rested his head against the wall, a wide smile stretched across his face. (y/n) glanced over at him, biting back her own smile while Chaerim continued.

Something had changed. A shift in the atmosphere that was unlike yesterday's. It felt almost unfair that Soonyoung couldn't narrow down what exactly it was, yet either way he was immensely grateful, especially as (y/n) redirected her attention to him, dismissing Chaerim for now. She stood from the couch, walking into the kitchen, and Soonyoung naturally followed after her, no words needed.

"Looks like she had fun," (y/n) stated, an entertained laugh slipping out at the end of her sentence.

"She did, I'm glad to see that." Soonyoung glanced into the living room where the aforementioned little girl watched her cartoons in an almost dazed state. "I was worried she wouldn't like it."

"Please, she got to see animals and she got toys at the end of it all. You couldn't have made her happier." She briefly opened the fridge, pulling out a sealed container before placing it on the island countertop. Soonyoung glanced between it and her for a few moments, not understanding the sudden appearance of the item, but with a roll of her eyes, (y/n) slid it closer to him. "Hangover soup."

Soonyoung's mouth fell open, eyes widening some as he hesitantly brought the dish closer.

"How did you know?" She looked at him with amused confusion, as if the answer to the question was obvious. Nonetheless, she shrugged with a smirk.

"Maybe a little birdie told me you all were getting wasted last night." Soonyoung giggled some, thoughts returning to his friend who most likely is dealing with the same pain as him. He'd be sure to share this with Seokmin when he sees him next.

"Thank you. Really. You didn't have to do all this."

"Of course I did." She waved him off dismissively, faux exasperation at his humility. His lips pursed into a thin line, fingers fiddling with the twine loops of the gift bag before finally lifting it and placing it on the counter with a soft thud. It was now her turn to look between the bag and him expectantly, only for him to follow her prior movements, sliding the bag across the counter much the same as the soup.

Hesitatingly, she took the item, the light touch of her fingers causing the dense paper material to crinkle under her. She wore an appreciative, yet otherwise curious, smile as she fished out whatever resided in the bag, lifting it from its bed of wrapping and into the light.

A small white leather box, unassuming in presentation, to the point that she hadn't even spared a second thought before opening it, unveiling a pair of pearl earrings. Her mouth fell agape, a small gasp leaving past her lips. She stared for a moment more at the jewelry before looking back up at Soonyoung.

"The zoo had an area where they bred oysters," he explained, his voice coming out softer than intended, yet even so still feeling out of place in the otherwise quiet atmosphere with only the sounds of children's cartoons offering a low humming white noise in the background. She turned back to the earrings, a finger tracing over the smooth surface of the item at hand. "I hope you still like pearls. I saw them and thought of you."

"I love them." Her response came as quietly as his own, though her voice had a crack in it that had Soonyoung's brows raising in concern. Meeting his gaze again proved his suspicions correct, her eyes now glassy with a pout on her lip as she clutched the box closer to her chest.

"Aww, baby, don't cry." Soonyoung let out a laugh, body moving instinctively as he opened his arms. It wasn't until she had already shuffled into his embrace, whining into his chest and quietly releasing her tears, that he realized what he'd done. Though feeling her against him, the warmth of her tears against his shirt, that soothing aroma of hers that always calmed his nerves, the weight of her head pressing into him, quelled the worries in his heart. Like mother, like daughter, the two girls holding such an authority over him to be able to sway his every thought and his every emotion. For the next few minutes, he reveled in whatever comfort he could acquire, arms squeezing (y/n) to him as she mumbled her thanks to the man.

For once, Soonyoung felt a sense of completion, more sated holding (y/n) than he had been at his own graduation. His lips twitched into a smile, and he was sure (y/n) must have heard the beating of his heart kick up with every passing moment, though she didn't comment on it. Chaerim had begun singing the songs on her show, and the orange glow of the setting sun continued basking them in its warm honey-like ambience.

For once in his both hectic and monotonous life, he felt a stability he feared he'd never experience, the key to his peace resting in the hands of (y/n) herself. As if he had strayed from his intended path, only to veer back to her. Like no matter how far you throw a rock into the air, it's bound to return to the earth below it. No matter how far he fled from home, no matter how distant he grew from her, he'd always find his way back to (y/n). Like it was meant to be. And as he cradled her to him, he knew it was because it truly was meant to be.

He didn't know for how long he'd stood there holding (y/n), rocking them back and forth calmly as they embraced one another, though it was the sound of the apartment door opening that brought them back to reality, regrettably separating as Jihyo waltzed in. She had a look of surprise on her face for a moment, but offered Soonyoung a kind smile in greeting.

"I should head out," Soonyoung quietly spoke, turning back to (y/n) after waving to Jihyo.

"I'll walk you out," she replied, already walking out of the kitchen and into the main hall.

Soonyoung made a brief detour to the living room, crouching in front of the couch where Chaerim resided.

"I'm heading out now." Chaerim immediately threw herself at him, causing Soonyoung to briefly huff at the sudden action.

"I want Soonie to stay."

"I can't, sunshine. We'll hang out again tomorrow, yeah?"

"Zoo?"

"I was thinking we could go to the aquarium. We can see more water animals." She gasped, pulling herself away from him to nod enthusiastically. Soonyoung laughed, nodding along with her and promising to pick her up from daycare again. Though before he could stand up, she grabbed him again, dragging him closer to her.

"Come to my birthday," she insisted, practically vibrating with excitement. "It's really soon. Mommy says the 17th. Come to my birthday."

"Okay, sunshine, I'm there."

She finally let him go, smiling as he walked back to the hallway where Jihyo and (y/n) stood. Jihyo bid Soonyoung a brief goodbye before heading to the living room with Chaerim.

"I can't thank you enough for taking care of Chaerim, and for my earrings." (y/n) fiddled with the box still in her hand, and Soonyoung couldn't help but to grin at her shyness.

"Of course. Nothing but the best for you both."

"And thank you for the pictures… I really liked them."

"I'm glad to hear." He felt his cheeks warming under her attention, bashfully looking down at his feet. "I'll send more tomorrow. We're going to the aquarium."

"Oh, she's going to love that."

There was a pause between them, a silence as they looked at each other one last time. Soonyoung couldn't help but to smile whilst admiring her, remembering how he'd zone out in class and miss the entire lesson because he was staring at the back of her head. Old habits die hard.

A sudden holler from the living room drew their attention back to the present, snickering at Chaerim's hoots of laughter from beyond the apartment. Though it reminded Soonyoung of what had happened some few moments ago.

"Chaerim invited me to her birthday." (y/n) smiled at this, nodding her head at his words.

"Yeah, it's coming up in just a few days. It's just going to be a little get together with Jihyo, Seokmin, and I. Maybe some of the guys, but who knows. We'd love to have you over."

"I'd love to attend. So this is me RSVPing for that."

"I'll be sure to write your name on the list of attendees." They shared another laugh together.

Soonyoung couldn't believe how light it felt to be with her today. That agonizingly taxing weight which once lingered over him in her presence now all but dissipated. He couldn't tell what had happened, but God he'd be lying if he said he wasn't eternally grateful for such a turn of events.

The glee in this revelation remained with him as he drove home, and also as he ate all of the hangover soup, changing his mind about sharing with Seokmin, keeping (y/n)'s gift all to himself.

"Bullshit!" Chan shouted, already whipping his hand out towards the messily strewn pile of cards at the center of the table. Flipping over the first two of the pile revealed an ace and a ten—not the two aces that Jeonghan had initially declared.

The man groaned to himself as he dragged the entire pile over, causing Chan to victoriously raise his arms up in the air. Beside him, Mingyu patted his back while Seokmin hyped him up, the two sporting encouraging smiles for the youngest's achievement. With a new round starting, Soonyoung grabbed two from his hand and placed them at the now barren center.

"Two aces," he announced, leaning back and refusing to meet anyone's perceptive stare. No matter how drunk they got, they somehow always remained vigilant when it came down to Bullshit.

"One two," Wonwoo muttered afterwards, dropping a card into the newly accumulating pile.

"Two threes," Jihoon leant forward to join with his addition, leaning back seconds after and absentmindedly reorganizing the cards in his hand currently, unaware of the six other men staring at him in disbelief.

"Um… Bullshit?" Seokmin mumbled confusedly, causing Jihoon to finally peek over and see that the two supposed threes he'd dropped were instead face up, revealing instead a three and a nine.

"No– Wait– Don't look at that." He dove forward to retrieve his cards, but he knew it was too late as the lot all erupted into laughter, shouting out Jihoon's slip up and pushing the slim pile over to him. "I hate this game. Why are we even playing this game? I don't want to play this game. Let's play Uno."

"Like that's any less ruthless," Jeonghan grumbled, brandishing his hand which made up a good chunk of the 52 count deck of theirs. Jihoon took another swig of his beer, irate at the turn of events.

"Someone better win soon then, or I'm leaving the party early."

"Don't worry," Chan stood to his feet, chair scraping back as he assumed a heroic pose. He raised his hand up, a single card resting between his two fingers. "I've got that covered." He gently placed the card at the center of the table, his voice just as soft as he announced. "One four."

Vernon glanced down at his cards, brow raising as he glanced from his hand to Chan. His mouth had momentarily opened, but before he could call the boy out on his fib, Jihoon all but tossed his cards ceremoniously onto the table, clapping and monotonously cheering for the winner of the game.

"Hooray, good job. Seokmin, get your Uno."

As the new game was starting, Seokmin dealing out everyone's seven cards, Soonyoung's phone buzzed against his lap. With one last tentative sip of his drink, not wanting to go through another terrible hangover so soon, he pulled out his phone under the table. Almost immediately, his expression brightened, putting down his drink and scooting out from the table.

"Excuse me, I have to take this," he quickly stated, shuffling away from the rowdy bunch and into the hall. The noise was muted some here, just enough that he could probably talk peacefully on the phone, though if not, Seokmin's bedroom door was right there next to him. With one last sigh, he swiped on the incoming call, voice unexpectedly wavering as he answered. "Hello?"

"Soonie!" The familiar shrill voice of Chaerim momentarily surprised him, though his shock washed away rather quickly.

"Hello, sunshine! How are you?" Soonyoung already found himself slipping into the aforementioned bedroom, knowing his voice would carry over to where the others resided.

"I'm good!"

With the formalities over and out of the way, she began spewing out near nonsense supposedly telling Soonyoung about her day from what he could decipher. He hummed affirmatively and responded when need be, though for the most part just sat there with a dopey smile as the little girl continued on with her speech. From beyond her voice, Soonyoung could hear (y/n) in the background, giggling to herself as Chaerim talked, and it had Soonyoung biting his lip, his cheeks aching with the sheer breadth of his grin.

"Soonie, you didn't pick me up today," she noted randomly.

"I know, sweet pea, it's the weekend. Don't you want to spend time with your mommy?"

"No, I'm okay." Soonyoung laughed as (y/n) whined at her daughter's quick dismissal of her, even more so when (y/n) began seemingly wrestling the child for the phone back. "No! I want Soonie! No!"

"You're quickly losing Soonie privileges, Chae." (y/n) warned, voice authoritative, yet nevertheless carrying a jesting undertone.

"Soonie, she's so mean to me. Where are you? Why aren't you here?"

"I'm at Uncle Seokmin's house."

"I want to go to Uncle Seokmin's house. I want to be with Soonie." His heart felt so incredibly full, his hand clenching over where the organ was beating. She was too precious for this world, he thought. If he hadn't already had a drink or two, he'd be driving over to the apartment to reunite with Chaerim right then and there. Though with some forced restraint, he tethered himself back to reality, pouting at his newfound maturity.

"I can't, Soonie isn't feeling very well right now."

"Oh no! Why are you sick?"

"I drank some… icky water… and now I'm too weak to drive over to you."

"Soonie, don't die." Her voice was suddenly so terribly sad, and Soonyoung immediately regretted his words.

"No, I'm just feeling a little sick! I'm not big sick!"

"The icky water made Soonie's tummy hurt. You know how tummy aches feel, right?" (y/n) began explaining, earning a sound of acknowledgement from the little girl who quickly returned to the phone.

"Soonie, it's okay, I get tummy aches, too. It's okay, it's okay."

"Thank you, sweetie. I'll be sure to feel better before your birthday."

He could hear (y/n) whispering to Chaerim, her voice quiet as she told Chaerim to say goodnight to him.

"Goodnight, Soonie! I can't wait to see you on my birthday! I miss you!"

"I miss you, too."

"I love you."

If his heart had felt full before, it was practically overflowing now, that overabundance of warmth now seeping into his stomach, gripping him with its comfort and bringing a flush to his face.

"I love you, too, sunshine."

There was some commotion on the other line, the two quietly speaking to each other, though now Soonyoung couldn't really decipher it. He just sat there, permanent smile on his face, still reeling over Chaerim's farewell. It felt nice. To be loved by this little girl that he had already accepted he loved back with all of his heart. It felt gratifying, that of all people, Chaerim came to love him.

"Hey," (y/n)'s voice sounded from the phone.

"Hi." He found himself looking down at the floor, socked feet fiddling with the carpet beneath him, brushing it back and forth and toying with the opposing shades it created.

After a little over a week, it still felt so surreal to hear (y/n) again. To be near her. To be able to actually talk to her. As if his six year drought had come to an end with her monsoon-like return. As if she brought life back to his otherwise desolate form. He felt more alive these last few days than he has in the half decade he's been away. He was beginning to feel concerned for himself, because he honestly couldn't even remember the past six years he's been gone, all of it like a numbing fever dream where he'd survived on autopilot alone.

But now he was present. He felt himself again. He felt like a human being. As dependent as it may sound, (y/n) made him who he was, and he was nothing without her.

"Sorry about that. She refused to go to sleep until she saw Soonie today."

"I don't mind. It did feel weird today not seeing her."

"You spoil her too much. She still refuses to let go of her manta ray stuffed animal since you got it for her at the aquarium." Soonyoung chuckled at this, remembering that day fondly.

"That's surprising, considering she was terrified to even approach the stingray petting area." (y/n) laughed, remembering the picture Soonyoung sent her of him smiling at the camera while Chaerim was red faced and crying next to the said animal petting area.

"Says the guy who had to be protected by that same little girl when you both went to the circus."

"Hey." Soonyoung's quick interjection had (y/n) bursting into another fit of giggles. "Those clowns were terrifying. She was a brave soul that day. I wouldn't have come out alive."

"Of course, I understand."

"Well, we'll see who's talking when we take you to an amusement park for the rollercoasters." She gasped at his threat, her voice dropping into a pained whisper soon after.

"You wouldn't dare."

"I would, you know I would."

"I'm being abused by both my daughter and you, I can't handle this."

His heart felt light, soaring about frivolously without a care in the world. This dark mass which once clung to it had slowly but surely faded away, taking with it the dense murkiness it once obscured Soonyoung's life with. Those butterflies in his stomach fluttered with it, joyous and abundant after their long hibernation, dormant until (y/n) had come back into the picture.

Her voice spoke to him like a lullaby, soft and tranquil as she chatted faintly, words light and breathy and weaving together into incoherency, though he didn't really mind, reminded of the days they'd do just this until they passed out.

"(y/n), you're tired," Soonyoung uttered, to which she hummed in consideration.

"I am."

"You should go to sleep." There was an ache in his heart, sending her off so early, though he couldn't keep her to himself all night. She was busy, and sleep was practically a rare commodity to her.

Silence settled over the two, with only the grainy feedback of the phone call to occupy them, yet Soonyoung still found it to be comforting merely knowing she was on the other line. He'd probably stay on the phone with her all night like this if he could, but he really should let her go.

"I don't want to." Her response was low, a whisper into the phone, as if having uttered something she shouldn't have. His breath stuttered, body stiffening while his heart seized in on itself, thudding against his chest to the point that it almost ached. And with the undeniable warmth coursing through his veins at the moment, he couldn't help but grin to himself, clutching the phone tighter in his hand.

"I don't want you to either."

She hummed appreciatively at this, a content thrum against his ear, and for a moment, he was beside her. He was laying there, her hair fanning out against her pillow, eyes slid shut with the faintest trace of a smile gracing her lips. He could feel her breath against his skin, her presence like an otherworldly comfort. He could hear her breathing growing steadier by the minute as they basked in the silence. Telltale sign of her drifting off. And the thought seemed to come to him naturally, like an old record that still played the same tune as he began rambling.

"The guys are playing Uno in the other room. We were playing BS, but Jihoon lost his patience a bit." He heard a slight chuckle on her side, though one that hadn't deterred her already tired state. "I'm pretty sure he's still losing his patience. Uno is much worse than BS. I'll text you the details tomorrow once I go out there again later." He leant back, laying flat on Seokmin's bed with his phone still pressed to his cheek. "I already got Chaerim her gift. I don't know if I should tell you. I think you'll get mad at me. But Chaerim will like it at least. I know she will."

He paused for a moment, thoughts still whirling in his head. He chuckled to himself thinking about his gift, the mental image of Chaerim using it already playing in his head.

Chaerim.

"I really did miss my little sunshine today. I know we've hung out everyday, but it still feels lonely without her. On the bright side, I already know where I'm taking her next. I think she'd like the ice skating rink. The one we used to go to."

Memories came to him. Memories of that very rink. Of his friends and him all busting their ass more than once. Jun clinging to the plexiglass paneling on the rink's perimeter. Jihoon teetering with his legs and arms spread out as far as possible. Chan accidentally learning to skate backwards first. Soonyoung struggling to grasp the concept of ice skating, clinging to (y/n) like his life depended on it. Really, it did. And she'd just laugh and let him hold her, his arms wrapped around her body with his head resting on her shoulders, and she'd skate them around while Soonyoung just cradled her to him.

He hasn't skated in years. Not since (y/n). He didn't even realize this until this very moment.

"Maybe I should hold out on the skating rink for another day. I don't think I can actually skate. I never really learned." He pursed his lips, blinking back his sadness. "I never learned because once I did, it would mean I wouldn't need you anymore. I wouldn't be able to hold you like I did. It would've just taken away one of the ways I showed my love to you." The blinking was becoming redundant as he felt his eyes begin to burn with unshed tears. "But it was kinda pointless in the end since I was the one that took away our love. Since I was the one that gave up."

He scoffed as he felt the first tear slip by, as if he even deserved to cry at this point. Though once the second and the third slipped by, that indignant irritation disappeared, leaving behind the raw sadness that had been plaguing him for years. He frowned, staring at the popcorn ceiling above him. It looked like (y/n)'s ceiling growing up.

He was reminded of those sleepless nights when she'd jostle him awake, either anxious with her thoughts or scared from a nightmare, and he'd lay awake with her. They'd rest their heads against one another as she talked to him, released her thoughts so they were no longer trapped in her head. And he'd comfort her with words or cuddles. He'd point at the textured ceiling staring down from above them, making constellations and telling her whatever convoluted story he'd make up on the spot. Until she had fallen asleep peacefully to the sound of his voice, a smile on her face as he kissed her goodnight before falling asleep himself.

Staring up at that very ceiling, the replacement for their city's light polluted sky, only served to make him cry harder. He shook his head at the thought, at his words he'd only just uttered.

"I gave up our relationship like a fucking idiot," he muttered, voice wrought with emotion, wavering with the tension in his throat. "But I never gave up our love. Never once in my life have I ever stopped loving you. And I never will. Even after you've moved on, I'll still be here, knowing that I lost my soulmate the night I walked away. The night I left you." He bit his lip at the memory, sniffling as softly as he could. From the sound of her breathing, he knew she was asleep, yet he kept going. "That was the most painful thing I've ever had to do. Leaving you was a mistake, but it was just… atrocious of me to leave you alone in my bed like that. I should've done better. I should've said goodbye to you personally like I had wanted to." A sob slipped past his lips for a moment, but he brought his fist up to his mouth, concealing the despair that seeped out of him with every word. "I shouldn't have even left you in the first place."

He moved to wipe his tears, smiling through the pain as he heard the deep steady breaths on the other line, anchoring him back to the present.

"I love you," he admitted, a laugh following at the end of it. "I love you so much. More than I could ever even try to explain. I love you." His hand flew up to his hair, tugging at the strands as more tears flooded his eyes, that agonized smile stretching further across his face. "I love the way you haven't changed over the years. I love the way you still make me happy. I love how strong and intelligent you are. I love how you still show your love through different means. I love that you made me soup when I was hungover. I love that you wear those pearl earrings I got you everyday. I love how you still fall asleep to my voice. I love Chaerim. I love your little family." Another shaky breath, and the tension which had built up over the course of his confession unraveled, his body going limp, and that smile slackened until it was truly genuine. A genuine, gentle, ever so loving, absolutely enamored smile as he let it all go. As he accepted his flaws. His mistakes from the past. His frenzied emotions. His absolute, undeniable, to the moon sort of love he held for (y/n). "I love you."

The last few minutes of the call were spent with Soonyoung silently crying, letting out the last shreds of despair wracking his body. Her breathing soothed his tormented heart, reminding him of the constant she was to him. That anchor in his life he so desperately needed, tethering him to her lest he stray wayward once more. He felt that tug once more. That urge to run directly to her. To watch her peaceful form beside him, memorizing every line and every detail of her face, tracing the outlines of her form carefully with his eyes, until he had it all ingrained in his mind where he'd then fall asleep, pressing a kiss to her forehead before drifting off.

"Goodnight, my love," he muttered, which was all he could do at this point, smiling warmly as he took in the last remnants of her presence before he'd have to leave. "Sweet dreams."

The game had all but stopped once Soonyoung had come back an hour later with tear stained cheeks and blood shot eyes, face red and puffy, all the while attempting to act as nonchalant as possible, as if he hadn't just walked out of the most devastating experience he'd ever encountered.

"You good?" Chan was the first to break the silence, eyebrow raised in concern at the state of his elder. Soonyoung nodded.

"Yeah, why?" His voice cracked, as if the cherry on top to this entire fiasco.

"Who was that on the phone?" Wonwoo was the next to speak, fiddling with the cards in his hands.

"Oh, it was just (y/n) and Chaerim."

The boys uttered a collective 'ah' in understanding, returning to their game as if nothing had happened. That is except Jihoon, taking another gulp of beer with a sigh followed after.

"You know what, this is good," Jihoon announced aloud. Jeonghan absentmindedly hummed at him to continue, all the while dropping his card on the pile at the table's center. "Let it all out, talk to each other. So much unresolved tension that's finally getting closure." He pointed to Soonyoung, eyebrows furrowed seriously. "It's about time you two made up."

"He's right," Vernon spoke up, putting his cards face down before him. "You guys… personally founded romance or something. You're our modern day Romeo and Juliet." He placed his hands on his chest, looking around the table for support as he continued. "I was honestly devastated when they broke up. Cause like if they can't work out, what hope do we have?" Chan nodded at this, pursing his lips in understanding. Wonwoo similarly mimicked this, lips downturned as he confirmed Vernon's words. "You need her. She needs you. You both need each other. It just doesn't make sense to have one without the other. You know what I'm saying?"

"You two were made for each other!" Jihoon cried out passionately, slapping down a draw four and causing Jeonghan's jaw to slacken at his audacity.

Soonyoung was flustered at all the attention on him, and was ever so grateful when the game returned to its original state before he had intervened. Beside him, Seokmin patted his back, as if knowing Soonyoung was riddled with conflicting thoughts and emotions. Though really it was pretty one dimensional where his stance had settled.

He loved (y/n). He loved Chaerim. He loved them both. God, he wanted them both. But he's been far too greedy in his life. And at this point, he's willing to take whatever (y/n) was willing to offer him.

Soonyoung knocked on the door excitedly, biting back his smile as he heard Chaerim's familiar holler from within the apartment. A few moments later, the door opened, revealing a smiling Jihyo donning a pink party hat.

"Hey Soonyoung! Come on–" She stopped talking once she looked down and saw the gigantic box at his feet. It had barely even fit through the door and required both of them cooperating with one another to manage it through. "What the hell did you buy this little girl?"

"Soonie!" Said little girl came barreling out of a room down the hall, hurdling herself into his arms at full velocity.

"Chaerim!" He yelled back, squeezing her in his arms and twirling her in the air. She erupted into giggles, face squished into his neck as her limbs clung to him desperately. "How's my favorite birthday girl?"

Before she could respond, a delighted gasp brought their attention to her, her eyes now entirely trained on the enormous box behind Jihyo.

"Is that mine?" She asked excitedly, squirming out of Soonyoung's grasp to rush over to the box. It was practically as big as her, and it had Soonyoung giggling to himself as well. Jihyo shook her head, staring at him in disbelief before turning back to Chaerim.

"Yes, sweetie, Soonie got it for you. You can open it after we blow out your candles." She immediately came bounding back to Soonie, crouched to her height as she hugged the living daylights out of him.

"Thank you, Soonie." He grinned, hugging her back happily.

"Of course, sunshine." A few moments passed before (y/n) came strolling out of her room, just as lovely as she always was. Her eyes landed on Soonyoung, and he felt his heart skip multiple beats upon the sudden smile she had on her face.

"Soonyoung, you came!" He stood up, Chaerim still held by his right arm as he accepted (y/n)'s hug with his left. He felt so full, heart overflowing with adoration and stomach twisting into happy little knots as he surrounded himself with his two favorite girls. Jihyo stood on the sidelines, a contented pout on her face as she watched the scene before her.

Still wrapped in Soonyoung's hold, (y/n) glanced over to Jihyo.

"Any news on Seokmin?"

"Stuck at work," Jihyo regretfully informed, glancing down at her phone as if checking to see if Seokmin had miraculously escaped the clutches of his day job. "But he did invite some of the other guys, so they should be showing up throughout the day."

"Oh, that'll be chaotic," (y/n) snickered, laying her head on Soonyoung's chest in thought. He had no quarrels with this, in a permanent blissed out state as he rocked them all back and forth, lost in his own world. "Should we just have her blow out her candles now so she can play with her toys throughout the day?" (y/n) continued talking as Chaerim had yelled out her agreeance excitedly. "That way she'll have time to play with some toys, and then when one of the boys comes, she can play with the next toy?"

"That sounds like a plan." Jihyo nodded, already in motion as she began setting up the cake.

Soonyoung handled the birthday girl as (y/n) and Chaerim scurried about, delicately placing some candles on the cake, to which Chaerim indignantly commanded there to be more. Once there were about 20 candles scattered across her princess themed cake, Soonyoung placed her down on a barstool placed at the middle island, making his way across the counter to where (y/n) stood. Jihyo sat beside the little girl, slowly lighting up the candles for the ceremony until (y/n) took a sharp intake of breath, turning to face Soonyoung with a shocked expression on her face.

Before he could reciprocate her panic, however, she had already begun fleeing from the kitchen.

"I forgot the camera!" Her voice faded in the distance as she grew further away, leaving the three of them in the kitchen. Soonyoung averted his gaze from where (y/n) ran off to Chaerim, precariously eyeing her cake with a mischievous glint in her eyes. It brought a smile to his face, watching the few lit candles flicker in the reflection of her dark eyes.

"You should blow out the candles before wax gets on the cake," Soonyoung suggested, catching Chaerim's eye as she began smiling with him. Before Jihyo could put out the few candles, Chaerim beat her to it, puffing out her cheeks and blowing out the tiny flames in one big breath. Victoriously, she threw her hands up in the air.

"Yay! I'm turning five!" She hollered aloud, bringing a chuckle out of Jihyo beside her.

"No, sweetie, you are five. You only say turning when you're going to be that age very soon. Yesterday, you were turning five. Today, you are five. Understand?"

"No."

"Okay, well–" Jihyo was cut off by the sudden presence of Soonyoung's hand on her shoulder, drawing her attention over to the suddenly very shaken man. His eyes were shaky, attempting to focus on Jihyo, but struggling to maintain what little restraint he had left in him.

"She's five?" He asked, voice coming out in a wavering manner through his unsteady breathing. Jihyo looked at him confused for a moment, incredulous at his inquiry, though as quickly as she mentally questioned him, realization had hit her. Realization that Soonyoung had put the puzzle together.

"Soonyoung–" She started, her tone of voice full of remorse, though she couldn't get much else out as he all but bolted out of the kitchen and down the hall, barging into (y/n)'s room unceremoniously. His head whipped about momentarily until his eyes landed on her emerging from her closet, digital camera in hand.

"Oh, I found the camera, it's alright–" (y/n) yelped as Soonyoung's hands clamped down on her shoulders, the force of his hold startling her for a second, though not harming her in any manner. As if his only intention was to keep her where she stood.

"(y/n)," he began, faltering in his speech. She grew concerned for him, hands instinctively reaching up to hold onto his bicep, squeezing him back reassuringly. The motion, at any other moment in time would've called him down. Though right now, it did nothing but remind him of who stood before him. "(y/n), I've asked Jihyo. I've asked Seokmin. I haven't asked you. So I'm only going to ask this once." At this point, (y/n) was slowly understanding the situation at hand, and she could do nothing but quiver at the raw emotion in his eyes. The blaze of unbridled despondency seeping into his dark, lonely gaze. His lips quivered as he took in another breath, nerves shaking with him and almost sending his body into a similar state. "Is Chaerim my daughter?"

Her mouth had fallen open, and then it closed, and opened again, though no sound came out. Her eyes darted about the room, from the door leading to the hallway, to her bedside table, to the closet behind her. Anywhere but Soonyoung, who couldn't tear his gaze away from her for even a moment, trained on her every minute action, relying on his years of being fluent in (y/n) to lead him to his answer.

She was scared, that much was obvious. She was attempting to school her expression, a twitch on her lip trying to incite a casual smile to brush him off. A light, humorous scoff being the first sound to leave her lips, and she finally focused her eyes on his mouth.

"What are you talking about?" She asked, a joking air to her words, a tone that could have potentially fooled others, but Soonyoung could detect the lack of sincerity in her actions. Her fingers twitched where they rested on his arm, squeezing him to calm herself as she continued. "Jihyo and Seokmin have both told you no."

"They have," Soonyoung agreed, dragging (y/n) closer, so close that he was sure she could hear the way his heart beat so violently against his chest, just as terrified of the results of this interrogation as she was. "But you haven't."

That faux curl of her lips had crumbled, bottom lip trembling as her eyes began to well with tears, her body similarly quaking under his touch. Her breathing had picked up, chest rising and falling to an almost concerning rate that Soonyoung had to reposition them, one hand falling down to her back and the other brushing away the strands of hair in her face. She whimpered at the sudden proximity, attempting to curl in on herself and away from Soonyoung's prying eyes.

"(y/n)," he quietly called out to her, voice now hushed, lowly soothing her as best he could. Her hands had retracted to her chest, fiddling with the material of his shirt as he drew her closer to him, shushing her when silent tears had begun slipping out. At this point, he had his answer. He just needed (y/n) to come to terms with it as well. So he patiently held her, face buried in her hair as he swayed them side to side, rocking her until he felt her breathing even out.

When he retracted his head to look down at her, he saw her terror filled eyes, widened and focused on the whitewashed wall of her bedroom. Gently, his finger trailed down to her chin, bringing her face to him as he pressed his forehead against hers, noses brushing past one another. When she met his resolute gaze, his eyes like the calm of a dark sea, her panic slowly but surely subsided, his staunch resolve seeping into her own eyes.

Finally, in the steadiest manner he could muster, Soonyoung breathed out the question once more.

"Is she my daughter?" A silence settled between the two, (y/n) slowly becoming lost as he stared into her soul, as if he were weaving his way back into her life, tangling the strings she had worked tirelessly to rid herself of, yet she couldn't find it in her to feel repulsed by his invasion at all. Instead, relief momentarily flooded her being. That peaceful understanding and comfort she had always felt in his arms reminding her of who he was. Her defenses had crumbled, and her mouth had fallen agape once more, voice coming out as nothing more than a whisper as she answered him.

"Yes."

His first reaction was to laugh. This disbelieving chuckle as he slowly pulled away from her, eyes immediately watering once more. His hands flew to his hair, yanking at the strands as a smile overtook his features. He was ecstatic. He had a daughter. A beautiful, lovely daughter outside waiting for his return. He had a daughter with the girl he promised himself he would one day start a family with.

(y/n) had slapped a hand over her mouth as Soonyoung separated from her, a loud sob threatening to leave her. At some point, she lost the strength in her legs and collapsed on the edge of her bed, crying into her hand as Soonyoung considered the newfound information.

He was beyond happy to have Chaerim, though he sat there processing the weight of such a discovery. He had fallen to the ground soon after, on his knees as tears streamed down his face.

"I have a daughter," he spoke aloud, hands gripping at the carpeting beneath him. "I have a daughter." He crawled over to (y/n), hands shooting up to her face as his thumbs brushed over the tears in her eyes. "(y/n), we have a daughter!" His hands went everywhere, brushing back her hair, smoothing out her shirt, running over the goosebumps on her arms. "We have a daughter…" His head rested on her thighs in between where her hands rested on her lap. "Why am I only just finding out on her fifth birthday? Why have you all been lying to me?"

He sat up again, staring at (y/n), awaiting any sort of response, but she sat there sniffling, quietly sobbing to herself. He didn't know for how long he stared at her before she finally spoke, voice broken and defeated.

"You left me…" She couldn't meet his gaze, staring down at where he had scooped her hands into his own. The sight brought another wave of sadness through her, having to bite back the fresh tears wanting to be shed. "You left me. I begged you to give me a chance. Give us a chance. And you left me." His thumbs brushed over her wrists, encouraging her to keep talking. "Not only that, but you stopped talking to all of us. I know you felt bad about leaving in the first place. I know you thought it'd be better to just disappear from our lives than make us deal with long distance and time difference, but it was still painful, Soonyoung." He shut his eyes, laying his head back into her lap where she began absentmindedly fiddling with the messy strands of his hair. "And then I found out I was pregnant and… I was terrified. I just…" She stopped, clearing her throat from the dejection riddling her voice. "You chose to follow your dreams. That didn't include Chaerim and I. I didn't want to drag you back into this life you didn't want."

"Baby, no," he whined, sitting back on his heels and tugging (y/n) down from her bed and onto the floor with him, cradling her weakened body in his arms. "You both are my dream. You're my fantasy. You're the only thing I've ever wanted in life." He pressed his lips wherever he could reach, mumbling between each and every kiss. "I never meant to make you think otherwise. I just wanted you to be happy."

"You make me happy, idiot," she countered, the loudest thing she's said in the past few minutes, startling Soonyoung for a moment. "And I didn't want to tell you this month because… you have that job offer, and Chaerim and I will only be a burden to you."

"(y/n), I couldn't care less about that damn job offer." She pulled away from his shoulder, meeting his unexpectedly passionate gaze, brows furrowed and ever so determined. He squeezed her tighter in his arms. "I have a family right here. Do you understand how…thrilled I am?" Another tear slipped from his eye, though this one was paired with a genuinely warm and blithe grin, a sight that brought a smile of her own to (y/n)'s face, giggling as he pressed his forehead against hers again. "I was already happy to have reunited with you, and to have met Chaerim, but now…" He chuckled, biting his lip a second after to mute the bubbly feeling in his chest. "Now she's my daughter. She's mine."

His eyes were so incredibly mirthful, shining with unshed tears and unadulterated glee. She couldn't help but to smile at his happiness, pressing her hands against his cheeks and rubbing her nose against his own. The way he hugged her, fingers gripping her as if an extra measure to keep her close to him, reminded them of their youth. Their youth and the love they once held for each other. Their love that hadn't faded. Their love that persisted through time, distance, and every hurdle life has thrown their way.

"But your degree–" She started, but Soonyoung cut her off immediately.

"To hell with my degree, (y/n)! Holy shit, I'm a father!" He buried himself into her hair, drawing her even closer to his chest, holding her so closely to where her ear pressed against his torso, right over where his heart beat so rapidly within him. Though hesitant, she wrapped her arms around his body, hugging him back. Giggles and tears and happy sighs left them both, wandering hands squeezing any part of their person they could grab, wanting so much of the other that it almost didn't make sense. "I'm staying."

"What?"

"I'm staying." She pulled away to meet his gaze, so sure and earnest as he nodded at her confused eyes. "I can't leave you again. I physically can't. Even if you don't accept me as your lover anymore, I can't bear to be so far away from you again." Her heart fluttered at his confession, going speechless once more, allowing him to continue on. "Plus, I have Chaerim now. I need to be here for her. I have to make up for lost time."

"Y-you're staying?" It was the only thing her overwhelmed brain could come up with, not even able to process the heart fluttering and adoring gaze Soonyoung looked at her with.

"I'm staying. I couldn't care less about a job offer or my degree or anything else. None of it matters. I just need you and Chaerim. And I can't believe it took me 6 years to realize this."

Immediately, another sob broke out, and even more tears spilled from her eyes. Tears that Soonyoung swiped away as quickly as they appeared, giggling at her with such loving eyes. Though as she quieted down and he had a moment to his thoughts, he swallowed down the lump in his throat and shut his eyes.

"I love you, (y/n). So much. So, so fucking much... I'm so sorry for what I've made you go through. I should've been here this entire time. I shouldn't have given up on us. I'm so sorry." He could've said more, but she shook her head at him, cradling his face again, encouraging him to open his eyes and meet hers.

"I forgive you, Soonyoung." He blinked at her words, eyes darting between her own as if looking for any falsitude in her statement.

"You do?" He asked. She nodded at him.

"Just please don't leave me again."

"I'd never dream of it."

Her eyes shone with such fondness, grin tugging at the corners of her lips as she stroked back Soonyoung's hair, properly admiring his grown features for the first time since he came back. Something she hadn't granted herself the privilege of doing so before, for fear of falling in love and being abandoned again. Though now she was sure, with that devoted glimmer in his eye and that dumb in love smile stretched on his face, that he truly was staying this time around.

That's what motivated her to lean forward and press a chaste, yet affectionate kiss to his lips, separating before he could respond to it.

"I love you, too, Soonyoung." A short bout of silence fell between the two, Soonyoung staring at her blankly as she giggled and continued to play with his hair. Though soon enough, he came to his senses, hand cupping her cheek and drawing her into him again for another kiss. A better kiss. One that he poured his entire heart and soul into. One that he hoped conveyed what his words couldn't. How regretful he is. How relieved he is. How absolutely in love he is.

His hand stroked over her face, fingers slipping into her hair as he brought her even closer to him, arm tightening around her waist and pressing her against him. The only thing that stopped their kiss was their smiling, laughs that bubbled out of them both. She continued littering kisses onto him, even more giggles slipping from his mouth. Delighted laughs that filled the room and her heart. He had felt so at ease and so loved that he almost hadn't acknowledged the faint knock at the doorway, the ajar door slowly rolling wider to reveal Chaerim peeking in.

"Mommy, Aunt Jihyo is asking if you guys are okay." It was the first time Soonyoung was seeing Chaerim since the revelation, but he couldn't have felt happier seeing the girl than right now. Looking at her before him right at this moment felt so obvious. He couldn't believe he even doubted himself. He couldn't believe he went along with Jihyo and Seokmin's words. He couldn't believe he didn't immediately know for a fact that she was his own flesh and blood.

"Yes, baby, we're okay," (y/n) responded, laying her head against Soonyoung happily.

Chaerim stood there for a moment more, twiddling with the stray lace of her princess gown as she looked between the two.

"Does he know the secret?" His heart twisted at her words, looking over to (y/n) with an unreadable expression. A short breath of air expelled from her nose as she nodded.

"Yes."

At her mother's words, Chaerim came walking over to him. For the first time since he ever even met her, this was the first sign of hesitance she'd ever displayed—the momentary stingray panic aside. Once she stood in front of him, she extended her hand out, just as she had done when they first met.

"Hi daddy, my name is Chaerim. I'm 5 years old. My favorite color is yellow. I love you." He felt his heart shatter and rebuild from her words alone, perhaps more than once, because how else could he have reacted to such a sweet and rehearsed statement, as if she had prepared her whole life for this very moment. His lip quivered, something (y/n) didn't miss as she slipped away from his lap, hand softly rubbing his back encouragingly. He cleared his throat and wrapped his hand around her offered one, smiling whilst attempting to mask the sheen of tears coating his eyes.

"Hi sunshine, it's nice to meet you. I'm your dad." After the quaint handshake, she slowly opened her arms out to him. And the minute he brought her into his arms was the moment every last ounce of his tears spilled, whatever was left from his moment with (y/n) now being used as he hugged his daughter knowingly for the first time. (y/n) sat on the sidelines, though only for a minute before Soonyoung was dragging her into the hug with them, the two girls patting his back soothingly as he wept aloud.

Though he wasn't alone, Jihyo crying as well as she texted Seokmin the details, watching the scene from the safety of the doorway.

Seungcheol was the first of the boys to arrive, just in time to come across the disaster which had transpired before his arrival.

Chaerim had opened her largest gift, the one given to her by her dad. And to (y/n)'s dismay, it was a large and elaborate tunnel system. Although it was soft and foldable, it was still something she couldn't believe Soonyoung would even consider buying considering the state of their apartment. But Chaerim was happy, crawling through the tubed labyrinth, giggles reverberating off the walls.

Though the mayhem Seungcheol walked in on was mere moments after Soonyoung wanted to try out his gift as well, and now found himself stuck in one of the tubes. Jihyo and (y/n) attempted to yank him out from the outside, while Chaerim continued her incessant giggling, giving up on pushing Soonyoung from within and was now peppering tiny kisses all over his face.

Luckily, Seungcheol was the one to free the man out of the tunnel, much to the child's dismay, until he handed her his gift: an easel set with a large notepad for a canvas.

She doodled away as the three of them explained the events that had occurred that day, Seungcheol at first shocked at it all, though nodding in understanding soon after.

"It makes much more sense than Jihoon's assumption that you went out and found a Soonyoung doppelganger, because that girl is a carbon copy of Soonyoung, I swear."

Jeonghan wasn't surprised in the slightest once he had arrived, only shocked that it took Soonyoung this long to realize that the lactose intolerant little girl with sharp eyes and round cheeks wasn't his child.

Joshua, Junhui, and Wonwoo only congratulated the two, Jihoon still defending his doppelganger story, saying it could have been true.

Minghao and Mingyu also similarly did not show much reaction to it, somehow far more preoccupied with the little girl playing with them.

Vernon, Seungkwan, and Chan were perhaps the most interested in the circumstances, questioning how she had kept it a secret from them for so long, how they hadn't figured it out on their own, what she was going to do with Soonyoung now.

"I guess I'll give him a second chance," she responded, hugging his arm and laying her head on his shoulder. Their hands intertwined, and Soonyoung smiled at the familiar warmth that emanated from her touch, seeping into his skin and sending waves of content satisfaction through him. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach and a blush settled over his cheeks, reminding him that that schoolboy crush he had on (y/n) never left, nor would it ever.

Seokmin had arrived later on, immediately coming over to congratulate the two, as well as quietly apologize to Soonyoung for hiding his daughter from him.

"You have to understand, man, I meant no harm. We didn't know your intentions. We needed to protect them, you know?" He muttered quietly, looking around the room as if he were dealing with classified information. "I didn't even know until Jihyo was legit scolding me for bringing you over. You gotta believe me, dude."

"I understand, man, I understand," Soonyoung replied, wrapping an arm around Seokmin and mimicking his overly suspicious mannerisms. Though with the secret out and about, he had to admit that he felt significantly closer to his former best friend, glad to know that his daughter has such an amazing godfather.

The party soon ended and the boys all flooded out of the apartment. Jihyo was the last to leave after helping (y/n) put Chaerim to sleep.

"Goodnight, you two!" She waved at the two lovers as she shut the door behind her. Soonyoung had also planned to leave, not wanting to overstay his welcome, but (y/n) continued to hold him in a tight hug, refusing to let go.

"Stay," she insisted. Soonyoung would have laughed at her clinginess, though he heard the hint of fear in her voice, and he immediately understood the clinginess.

"Okay, baby, I'll stay." Guilt riddled his body the entire way to bed. He had to keep reassuring her he wasn't going anywhere, keeping a hand on her at all times.

He washed her hair for her, letting her hug him while the warm water of the shower fell down their bodies. He helped her get changed, whispering sweet nothings to her the entire process. He held her hand as they got into bed, and once settled, she had immediately clung to him again, limbs tangling together as she buried her face into his shirt. And Soonyoung could only softly shush her, assure her that he's not going anywhere.

His hands combed through her hair, littering kisses on her forehead, muttering his love for her through soft whispers. Seeing the state she was in had a pit of lament settling at the base of his stomach, grimacing at his past misdeeds, remembering the cruel way he left her with nothing more than a final forlorn kiss.

"I'm sorry," he spoke, hands momentarily stilling in her locks. "I'm so sorry, (y/n). I could apologize every second of every day for the rest of our lives, but it would never amount to how apologetic I truly feel. How much I regret leaving you." He pressed another reassuring kiss on her skin, a shaky intake of air once he separated from her. "I regret it so much. I regret ever doubting our love and I'll never forgive myself for that." He felt her hand splay out on his chest, right over his heart. "(y/n), you're the only thing I live for. You're the only thing in my life that matters." He paused, quickly reconsidering his words before stuttering out his correction. "You and Chaerim, I mean, but…"

He stopped talking as she laughed softly at his words, pulling away from him so she could actually study his face. He was speechless for a second, reminded of a few days ago during their phone call. How he had wished for this exact moment to come to fruition. To hold her in his arms once more, feel her falling asleep in his hold, watch that peaceful state of hers he could only see at night. When she'd enter deep sleep, the tension of the day washing away, her strong persona, her brave facade, all of those pretenses she put up for the world disappearing. And he was the only person she trusted in such a vulnerable state—and he left her.

"I'm just… I left you. I was so lost and I thought I could find myself. I thought you didn't deserve someone as lost as I was. It just seemed easier to give you up so you wouldn't have to waste your life with a loser like me… I'm sorry."

Her eyes twinkled under the moonlight, watching Soonyoung as he fumbled over incessant apologies.

When he had gone silent, she shuffled closer to him, leaning forward to press a kiss to his nose. She smiled when it scrunched, and then she pressed a kiss to his cheek. His jaw. His chin. The corner of his mouth. And then finally a kiss to his lips. A sweet, affectionate kiss. Short and simple, but still enough to leave Soonyoung flustered and motionless.

"Soonyoung, love, I forgive you."

"I know you say that, but… I just feel like it's not enough. It doesn't make up for what I've done to you. I don't–" Another kiss, though this time, one that Soonyoung reciprocates just as fondly as her.

"You've already apologized to me countless times." At the sight of his confused face, she grinned. "The first day, when Seokmin brought you to me." Soonyoung nodded at this, though he felt he was too emotional to properly convey his feelings. Plus, he mostly made her cry, so it didn't feel like a valid apology to him. "The night you boys went out drinking."

"What?" Soonyoung furrowed his brows at this, making (y/n) smile. She brushed back his hair comfortingly, nodding her head in confirmation.

"2 AM, you called me. Drunk out of your mind, crying and babbling to the point that I could barely understand you." Soonyoung winced at this, quietly groaning to himself as he remembered the night at the bar and how fragmented his memory was. "I laid there listening to you pour out your heart to me." He peeked over from where he wallowed in his own self pity, seeing the tenderness in her expression as she admired him wholeheartedly. "You told me about how much you regretted leaving me. How much it hurt you to leave me behind. The pain you endured throughout those 6 years away. You apologized so much that I had to beg you to calm down." At this, he hid himself again, this time burying his face into his pillow with a loud groan. "And then you said you love me." He felt her fingers tracing images on his arm; circles and stars and hearts. "You said you never stopped loving me. That I was the love of your life, and you'd forever mourn losing me. You probably said I love you just as many times as you apologized, until I myself was crying.

"And then you said… that even if Chaerim wasn't yours, you'd love her as if she were." He peeked out from his pillow to where a bittersweet smile greeted him. "That you love her like you love me. And you wished you had a family like ours. You said we were your happiness. Your dream life that you had always wanted." He pouts at this, realizing his drunk self was probably more articulate than he could ever be when sober. She lifted the arm she had drawn invisible patterns into, nestling herself against him before resting his limb over her.

"And the third time was as I was falling asleep." She had rested her head on his heart again, humming at the soothing rhythm it emanated. "I thought I was dreaming. Hearing the love of my life say such sweet words to me. Such a blissful moment." She sighed dreamily, squeezing his waist in a small hug. "I only realized it was real when I heard my phone beep, indicating you hung up."

"I'm so sorry, my love, I didn't mean to wake you," he fussed, but she only shushed him.

"No more apologies." Another kiss to his lips had him going silent, nodding along to her words. With another laugh his way, she curled up against him once more, cozying up in the warmth of her soulmate for the first time in six years. "So yes, I forgive you. I really do."

"Thank you, (y/n)." She pressed one last kiss on his chest, one right above his heart. Like magic, he felt the wounds which have tormented him for years to come slowly but surely heal, tending to itself as she nurtured his love once more. A sigh of relief puffed out of his lips, one tear slipping from his eye as he savored the exhilarating serenity of the moment. Of being with his beloved again. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

(a/n): welcome to the end of this. if you made it, congratulations! thank you for reading my stuff! i appreciate it greatly! i didn't expect for this to be as big as it wound up being. as of right now, it is the longest fic i have published. im happy with how it came out though. hopefully i have more stories planned for the future! thanks for reading!

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