#Caine was kinda a sweetheart in this one | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

marvelfanfn2187a113 · 7 months ago

Text

Useless

Sam and Dean Winchester & little sister!reader, Demon Dean & little sister!reader

Requested by @abiball027

Synopsis: Dean does some things as a demon that everyone regrets.

Warnings: demon blood addiction, demon Dean gets the reader addicted to demon blood, kidnapping, this one’s kinda dark guys, angst with a happy ending.

Your body was on autopilot as it led you through the bunker. You didn’t even realize you were headed to Dean’s room until you stopped in front of his door, unable to go further. Your hand twitched towards the knob, but you stopped yourself from reaching out to grab it.

There was nothing in there you wanted to see. You didn’t want to look at Dean’s body again; you couldn’t.

You staggered in surprise when the door flung open. Dean’s frame filled the doorway, and it was all you could do to stay upright.

“De…what…” you caught sight of Crowley in the room behind him, and you directed your next words at the king of hell. “You—did you bring him back?”

You didn’t want to wait for an answer; in fact, you were a split second away from throwing yourself at your big brother when Crowley stepped between you.

“I wouldn’t do that; he’s still adjusting.”

“Adjusting? Crowley, what did you do?” You demanded, before shaking your head. “You know what, it doesn’t matter. I’ve gotta tell Sam.” You turned to go, but Dean’s hand shot out at an inhuman speed, and he held your arm in a vice grip.

“What—Dean?” You looked up in surprise at your big brother.

“No Sam,” he demanded, but his eyes seemed unfocused. That is, until he blinked and they flashed black. You wrestled your arm from him and stepped back, your hand going to the demon knife at your belt. You pulled it out, directing it at Crowley.

“You…” your voice shook with anger, and you nearly choked on it. “You let one of your filthy demons possess my brother?”

“Not exactly.” Crowley shrugged.

“What—“

Dean interrupted you.

“It’s all me, sweetheart.”

“That’s not possible.” You shook your head. “It can’t be.”

“Oh it’s Dean alright,” Crowley said. “Because of the Mark of Cain, he can’t be killed. I merely brought his soul out of its little…hibernation. Or, chrysalis, I suppose is a better analogy. And now he’s evolved into…well, this.”

Dean and Crowley’s matching grins turned your stomach.

“W-we…” you swallowed, trying to let your mind catch up with your racing heart. “We can fix this. We know how-how to cure demons. I can get Sam and we—“

“No!” Dean’s sudden tone change made you flinch. “I don’t want to be cured, and you’re not going to get Sam.”

“I-I don’t understand.” you shivered.

“No. You wouldn’t.” Dean chuckled darkly. “You wouldn’t understand power.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t play dumb, sweetheart. You’ve always been the weak one, so you wouldn’t understand what having power feels like.” Dean’s eyes flashed black again, and you flinched. “Well I’ve got power now, and I like how it feels.”

“Stop it.” You shook your head, turning to Crowley. “Dean wouldn’t say this stuff. What did you do to him?” You yelped in surprise when Dean’s hands once again grabbed your arms.

“It’s all me, N/N. The new me. The better me.”

You tried to break free from Dean’s grip, but he wouldn’t let go. Crowley stepped forwards, putting a hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“We should get out of here while Moose is still gone.”

“You’re right.” Dean didn’t release his grip on your arm. “But I’m bringing her with.”

“What?” You and Crowley asked in horrified unison.

“Dean, you agreed to leave it all behind. You said you didn’t want—“

“I said I didn’t want Sam stopping me,” Dean interrupted Crowley. “She’s not strong enough to do anything to me.” Your cheeks flushed with embarrassment as Dean continued. “But, with a little help, she could be useful.”

“Help?” Crowley frowned. “How could she do anything for us?”

“She can…” Dean’s eyes flashed black—it seemed to be his new favorite trick. “If I give her a taste of power.” Dean shoved you towards Crowley. “Hold her still.”

Crowley took hold of your arms without question, although he was clearly hesitant.

Dean took the demon knife out of your hands easily, and he sliced a small cut on the heel of his hand.

“What are you—“

Dean took advantage of your mouth being open by pressing the heel of his hand to your lips. You froze up as Dean’s other hand came up to plug your nose.

He’d completely cut off your air, and you struggled as the metallic taste of Dean’s blood invaded your mouth. He and Crowley easily held you still, and Dean kept his hand there for several seconds before moving it so that his palm was covering your mouth. No more blood was going in, but you still couldn’t breathe.

“Swallow and I’ll let you go,” Dean said. You continued to struggle, but it was useless. “C’mon little sister, just swallow.”

You struggled until you felt dizzy and your lungs were screaming. You swallowed almost without meaning to, the bitter taste of Dean’s blood invading your senses. Dean and Crowley released you simultaneously.

You backed away from both men, stumbling against the wall as you gasped for breath. You didn’t even know what to say; you were too confused, too hurt, too scared.

“What was that?” Crowley asked, sounding as confused as you felt.

“Like I told you,” Dean growled. “With a little power, this little rugrat might be useful. And since I’m the one controlling the power…” Dean waved a hand over his cut wrist, and it healed itself. “I’m the one who she has to listen to. The perfect little sidekick.”

You didn’t need to hear anything more. You turned on your heel and tried to run, but Dean grabbed onto your arms and flung you against the wall. The back of your head hit the wall, and suddenly you couldn’t see or feel anything.

…

You awoke to the gentle purr of the Impala, and for a long moment you couldn’t tell what was going on. Were you on a hunt? You couldn’t remember. Then you tried to move your hands to rub your face, and they stopped, impeded by something metal. Your eyes fluttered open, and the first thing you saw was your hands cuffed to the back of Dean’s seat. Crowley was in the passenger seat, and the memories came back almost instantly.

“She’s awake,” Crowley said.

“Ahh, good morning sweetheart,” Dean grinned, a sickeningly sinister smirk that looked nothing like your big brother.

“Where are we? Where are we going?” You looked out the windows, but the road sides were no help to your poor sense of direction.

Dean just chuckled.

“Wherever we want.”

…

The three of you drove all day, and once the sun lowered behind the horizon line, Dean pulled into a seedy motel. He opened his door and came around to your door. He didn’t unlock your cuffs; instead, he pulled a flask from his back pocket and unscrewed it, bringing it up to your mouth. You knew it was his blood before the liquid touched your lips, but again your struggles were futile as Dean held his hands over your mouth and nose until you swallowed.

“See, that’s not so bad,” Dean cooed even as you shuddered. “A few more of these and you’ll be so hooked, you’ll be begging me for another hit.”

Crowley watched with an unreadable expression as Dean freed your wrists from the handcuffs and led you inside the motel. Within minutes, Dean had you cuffed to the air conditioner in his room, and he and Crowley were off to party at the nearest bar. You tried to wiggle around to reach into your pocket, only to discover that Dean must’ve taken your phone and lock picking kit while you were knocked out. With nothing to focus on, you became acutely aware of the hunger pangs that were becoming more frequent: you hadn’t eaten since you’d been in the bunker. But soon, a different hunger took hold of you. It was unfamiliar, and it hurt worse than normal hunger. Fear began to nag at you, but you shook it off. You couldn’t be hooked on demon blood already, could you?

You couldn’t be sure, and that only flamed your panic. This whole situation was crazy, and you didn’t know how to adjust; Dean, a demon; you, kidnapped; and demon blood being fed to you no matter how much you tried to resist. Your mind played around with the idea that it wasn’t really Dean—that Crowley had lied and it really was some random demon inside your brother’s corpse—but you knew that Crowley, as devious as he was, had no reason to lie.

And that meant that it really was your big brother, trying to turn you into a demon blood addict just so that he could use you.

“We’re back!” Dean crowed triumphantly, snapping you out of your thoughts as he entered the motel with Crowley at his heels. A fast food bag was tossed into your lap, and Dean reached over your head and released you from the handcuffs. You chowed down on the burger without hesitation—you were too hungry to be ornery—noting in the back of your mind that Dean had remembered exactly how you liked your food; maybe he was still in there somewhere.

To your dismay, the food could only satisfy so much, and that unfamiliar pain lingered. You felt your eyes unintentionally slipping towards Dean’s flask, and unfortunately Dean noticed too. A wide grin split his face as he looked from you to his flask.

“Knew it wouldn’t take much to have you hooked,” he said, and when you started to shake your head in a panic his gaze softened—if only slightly. “Hey now,” he soothed, coming to sit by you and pulling out his flask. “It hurts, right?” At your hesitant nod, he continued. “I know it does. Now let your big brother take the pain away, ok?”

His tone was so familiar, and yet so unfamiliar at the same time. Soothing words that Dean might say to you before stitching up a wound—but that was not what was happening now. Dean’s voice was gentle, but his eyes held a dead indifference that had never been directed at you, not from Dean. Everything felt so wrong, and you were so overwhelmed and hurting that you could do nothing but cry softly as Dean lifted the flask to your lips and forced the liquid down your throat. He didn’t even bother to plug your nose, as you were too tired to fight him—you swallowed with no protest other than the tears tracking down your cheeks.

White hot shame filled you along with the demon blood. You had more fight in you than this, you knew you did. But this was different.

You’d never expected to be fighting against your brother, and that thought alone drained all of the fight in you.

“There it is.” Dean’s smirk turned your stomach, and you were already starting to regret eating that burger. “See? Feels good, doesn’t it?”

You tried to turn away from him, but he grabbed onto your shoulder.

“C’mon, I’m gonna cuff you near the couch so you can get some sleep.”

Dean cuffed your hands to the nightstand next to the couch. You could lay on the couch with your arms stretched over your head; it was uncomfortable, but better than the floor you supposed.

To your surprise, you fell asleep quickly, drained from the long day on edge. But it was a fitful sleep, and some time in the middle of the night you awoke panting. It took you a moment to realize what was different; you weren’t handcuffed anymore. You looked down in your lap to see the cuffs in three pieces. You stared down at your hands; had you done that?

A groan from one of the beds had you flinching as Dean sat up. His eyes found you in the dark, and your heart skipped a beat when you saw the black abyss that used to be your brothers bright green eyes. Then he blinked, and the green was there, but it wasn’t the same.

“Go back to sleep,” he demanded, and you were laying back down when he suddenly got up. You felt your body shaking as Dean approached you; you’d never been more scared of anyone than you were of Dean right now.

“Seems the demon blood is working,” Dean chuckled as he held up the broken cuffs. His eyes flickered to you. “How does power feel, little sister?”

You didn’t know how to answer that question. You didn’t feel powerful. Sure, you could break steel without even meaning to, but you had no power over your situation; if anything you felt more helpless than you ever had.

Unless…

Remembering Sam’s powers when he’d been drinking demon blood, you pushed your hand out in front of you. Before you even made contact with Dean, he staggered back and fell—you had telekinesis!

You jumped up from the couch and ran for the door. It had the door-block on it, but it tore loose when you yanked the door open. You took one stride out into the night air before strong arms wrapped around your midsection and flung you backwards, back into the motel room.

“Your powerful, little sister,” Dean chuckled darkly. “But not more powerful than me.”

You backed away, not even looking where you were going as you tried to escape your approaching brother. Your foot caught on the desk, and you went down hard, but you kept backing away, using your hands to scoot back. It didn’t do much, and when Dean reached you he gripped your shoulder and dragged you to your feet. He shoved you back down onto the couch, and turned and walked out the door without another word. You sat there in confusion until Dean returned—presumably from the Impala—with thick chains in his hands.

“This should hold you for a bit longer.” He smirked. “At least until I can get you so addicted to blood that you won’t leave.”

“That’s not going to happen,” you insisted.

Dean just laughed.

…

The pain was all consuming; you could think of nothing else. You were hungry, too, and thirsty, and your back ached from sleeping on the couch; but none of that mattered. All you could think about was blood.

You found yourself suddenly much more sympathetic towards Sam; sure, you’d felt bad for him—you knew his addiction had hurt like crazy—but you’d never felt it before. It was a new kind of pain in a world where you thought you’d experienced every kind.

What made it hurt worse was knowing that it was your big brother inflicting this pain, and not to get you un-hooked on demon blood; he was doing it to teach you some kind of sick lesson. Or maybe he thought it would get you even more addicted; if so, it was working.

After your little stunt trying to run away, Dean had chained you up to the wall, gagged you, and left with Crowley. That was yesterday; he hadn’t returned, even when night came and went. He knew the withdrawal pains would hit you like a truck; you figured that was the point.

What if it wasn’t a lesson? What if he was just sick of dragging you around, and he left you there? His words wouldn’t stop echoing in your head…

“You’ve always been the weak one…”

You’d always felt that way, but to hear Dean—even a black-eyed Dean—say it out loud hurt more than you wanted to admit.

And the fact that, even with demon blood in you, you couldn’t break out of the chains Dean put on you seemed to aid his description of you.

Were you really so pathetic that you were only useful when pumped full of demon blood?

“Hiya sweetheart, did you miss me?”

You’d been so lost that you didn’t even notice Dean enter the hotel room until he was right in front of you, unlocking your cuffs and pulling the gag down. When he was done, you felt your hands grip onto his arm of their own accord, and your eyes found his pleadingly. You wanted to pretend you didn’t know what you were pleading for—food, maybe? Water? But you and Dean knew all too well.

“You did miss me,” Dean said with a grin. “Is this what you want?” Dean held up a fast food bag. You hadn’t eaten in a day, you should have wanted it.

But you didn’t even look at it.

“No?” Dean put the bag down and picked up a water bottle. “How about this? Not this either?”

“Dean…” you mumbled, your eyes slipping down to your hands. “It…it hurts, Dean.”

“Aww.” Dean chuckled. You knew he was patronizing you, but you didn’t care. You just wanted him to make the pain go away.

“What about this?” Your eyes lifted to see Dean pulling out his flask. You saw a hand reach out for it, surprised when you realized it was your own. Dean wouldn’t let you touch it, though. He pulled it out of reach, shaking his head. “Don’t touch, sweetheart. That’s my job.”

You didn’t move as Dean opened the flask and lifted it to your face. You wished you could pretend that he was forcing you to drink the blood, but it wasn’t true anymore. He really had gotten you hooked.

The only question now was what would Sammy do when he found you?

…

The next few weeks fell into a regime. You tagged along while Dean and Crowley dragged you to town after town, bar after bar, motel after motel. After the first week, Dean stopped using the chains; he didn’t need them anymore. The resourceful, smart Winchester in the back of your mind knew that he was training you like a dog—when you listened, he let you drink from his flask; when you disobeyed, he let you suffer—but there was nothing you could do. You couldn’t resist the demon blood anymore, it hurt too much. And a part of you—the part desperate to please your big brother—didn’t want to. Dean thought you were useless without powers, and you didn’t have it in you to disagree anymore. The only reason Dean even wanted you around was that you had powers. Without that…

You were snapped out of your thoughts when Crowley approached you and Dean.

“We need to talk,” he said to Dean.

“So talk,” Dean said with a shrug. “She won’t bother us.” Dean waved offhandedly at you.

That’s all you were now; the sidekick, the tool, meant to stand aside and keep quiet.

“I don’t think you want her to hear this.” When Dean didn’t respond, Crowley sighed and continued. “Moose called.”

You stiffened, and Dean noticed.

“Go take a walk, N/N,” Dean said. You didn’t argue—you’d given up on that—but you did hesitate. Dean blinked, his eyes flashing black, and you flinched. “I said take a walk.”

You left without another word, but your brain was going a million miles a minute.

Sam called? Was he coming? Would he fix Dean…and you?

…

You returned to Dean when he waved you over.

Like an obedient little puppy, you thought disgustedly. You thought you’d given up on your pride and your dignity weeks ago, but the thought of Sam returning to see you like this brought it all rushing back.

“Here.” Dean pulled out his flask when you approached him. You stiffened and you had to force your head to turn away from your big brother. Dean scoffed, “One mention of Sammy and now you’re all high and mighty?” Dean’s fingers clenched around your jaw, and he turned your chin to face him. “Let me make this clear; drink now, or I won’t let you for the next two days.”

Your breath caught in your throat; the most he’d ever cut you off was for about a day, and that had been one of the most painful days of your life. You couldn’t do it, you knew you couldn’t.

Dean let go of your face, and you tilted your head up slightly, your lips parting just a little. It was all the assent that Dean needed.

“That’s what I thought,” he huffed, uncapping his flask.

What had you gotten yourself into?

…

You’d been getting better and better with your powers. Dean had had you practicing, mostly on random demons that Crowley let get too close to him.

The better you got, the more you began to think that Dean was right; you had been useless before, never able to help your brothers. Now you could help—now you had power.

Every time you got better with your powers, Dean would flash you a wide grin—it was cocky, not at all like his old proud smile—but it was good to see nonetheless. It felt good to do something for your big brother. It felt like you were finally repaying him for everything he had done for you.

“Pick a side!”

You were snapped out of your thoughts by Crowley’s outburst. You had followed Dean into Crowley’s demon meeting after Dean murdered one of Crowley’s clients. After weeks around Crowley, you tended to tune him out, but now he seemed heated, and Dean was tense beside you.

“Or what?” Dean asked before shoving a Crowley across the floor. Crowley got up in a huff, glancing around as if to see if his demons had noticed—of course they had.

“This—“ Crowley gestured between himself and Dean “—is over. You’re too unpredictable.”

“Ok,” Dean said, a nonchalant smile gracing his lips. “How’s this for unpredictable?” And suddenly he was looking at you, eyes boring into you as if you could read his mind. To your surprise, you could; or at least, you knew what he wanted. He wanted to piss Crowley off—he wanted you to exorcise all of Crowley’s goons. You’d only ever exorcised one at a time, which was a far cry from the five that surrounded you now.

Still, your big brother wanted something from you, and you were going to do your best.

You closed your eyes in concentration, holding your hand out as almost an anchor. You could feel the power pulsing through your blood, as if the demon blood was intertwining with your own. You heard screams of pain from the demons, but you blocked them out, hyper-focused. When the screaming stopped, you opened your eyes to see five empty vessels strewn across the floor. Your attention turned to Crowley, your hand still outstretched.

He staggered back a half step, but Dean reached out and pushed your hand down.

“Hey, easy—not him sweetheart.”

Your attention turned to Dean at his words, and there it was; that proud grin. Your lips twitched up even as you thought that you missed the way the old Dean would let you know he was proud of you. The way that he’d smile a real smile, and ruffle your hair, and say, “Good job, kid.”

Instead, this Dean smirked and pulled his flask out of his back pocket, holding it for you to drink from even as he turned his attention back to Crowley.

“You want unpredictable? You want this to be over? Good; I don’t need you, I never did.” Dean capped his flask and turned to go.

He didn’t even look back to see if you would follow; he knew you would.

…

You sat on a stool beside a piano in an empty bar, watching Dean play around with the keys. It had been hours since he’d let you have a drink, but every time you tapped his arm he just snapped at you to leave him be. You were doing just that—sitting quietly and watching your big brother—when the door to the bar opened.

“Sam!” You jumped up before you’d even fully registered that it was Sam who’d walked in the door. When you started towards him, Dean’s voice stopped you.

“No.”

It was just the one word, but it was enough. Your body acted almost if its own accord, stopping the instant the word was out of Dean’s mouth. You’d gotten used to obeying him without question lately, and it was a habit you weren’t so sure you could break.

“Commere,” Dean said, and again you listened, going to stand beside him as he stood from the piano bench.

Your eyes drifted to Sam, who was looking from Dean to you in utter confusion.

“Good.” Dean’s voice brought your attention back to him, and you saw him reaching into his back pocket for his flask. Your stomach dropped to your toes; that was why he wouldn’t let you drink earlier. He suspected that Sam was coming, and he wanted you to be desperate enough to drink in front of him. Your heart caught in your throat as you stared up at Dean, as if he could somehow undo what he’d already done. He just smirked at you as he uncapped the flask and held it up.

Your body was screaming for it—you’d been achy, pain stiffening your muscles for at least an hour—you needed it. Keeping your eyes downcast so that you didn’t have to see Sam’s face, you took a half step closer to Dean and let him tilt the contents of the flask into your mouth.

“What are you doing?” Sam lurched forward, recognizing the substance immediately. “Dean, you can’t! Y/N, stop!”

“Aww, it’s not her fault, Sammy,” Dean chuckled as he pulled the flask away and capped it. “She was never gonna be strong enough to stop me.”

You ducked your head in shame even as your nerves were screaming for more blood. You couldn’t bear to even look in Sam’s direction.

“Dean, what did you do?” Sam demanded, panic lacing his tone.

“Made her useful!” Dean insisted, still grinning like this was all a great joke. “You should see her now, Sammy. She exorcised five demons all at once today, I bet she’s pretty tired out.”

Despite yourself, your lips twitched up in a small smile at Dean’s words. He was bragging on you to Sam—it was nice to hear.

“Useful?” Sam’s scoff brought the shame back. “Dean, she’s not an object! She’s not some kind of tool for you to use! She’s our sister!”

“So what? She was useless before, a weak and pathetic tag-along. I finally brought some purpose to her life.”

You bit down hard on your lip to keep it from quivering. You kept your gaze down so you didn’t have to see either of your brothers.

“Dean, stop it!” Sam yelled.

“Fine.” Dean shrugged. “You want me to stop? Try and bring her back. She won’t go, I’ve got her hooked more than you ever were.”

Dean stepped back, watching from the other side of the piano while Sam approached you. You kept your eyes on your shoes even as you heard Sam approaching.

“Honey, hey, look at me.” Sam came to a stop mere inches from you. Your breaths picked up as tears blurred your vision, but you forced yourself to blink them back and look up at your brother. The hate that you were expecting wasn’t there, neither was the disgust or the anger. Instead, Sam’s eyes were gentle; understanding. “I can help you. You don’t have to keep doing this.”

“But…” Dean’s words swam around in your head, and they were all you could think of. “But without this I’m useless. I wanna be useful. I’m useful, Sammy, I’m powerful!”

Sam’s gaze never wavered.

“But are you happy?”

You stopped. You’d been so worried about being useful to Dean, that you hadn’t even thought about…

Your head shook slowly from side to side, the tears returning. Sam’s gaze softened even more.

“Oh, sweetheart…”

“I’m…I’m sorry, Sam,” you whimpered, finally letting the tears fall. “I-I didn’t mean to—but I can’t st-stop.” You covered your face with your hands as you sobbed, and you flinched when you felt Sam’s hand on your shoulder.

“Shh, hey…” Sam pulled you into his embrace, and you felt him press a kiss to the top of your head as he rubbed your back. “Honey it’s ok. We can fix this, I just gotta take you home.”

“She’s not gonna leave me, Sammy,” Dean mocked. “I’ve got her hooked.”

“You’re coming too,” Sam directed at him. “I didn’t just come for her. We can cure demons, Dean.”

“Did you even stop to think that if I wanted to be cured, I wouldn’t have left? And I certainly wouldn’t have gotten our little sister addicted to demon blood just to cut off her supply.” Dean jeered, laughing. “I mean, what kind of brother would do that?”

“Enough, Dean! I’m bringing you back whether you want to come or not.” Sam reached into his back pocket and pulled out a pair of demon cuffs.

“Do you really think those will hold me?” Dean scoffed.

“We’re about to find out,” Sam sighed.

A hiss filled the air, followed by smoke that separated both of your brothers from your sight.

“Sam! Dean!” Your cries were followed by a fit of coughing when you breathed in the gas. A hand on your shoulder turned your attention to Dean, who was trying to drag you towards the door.

“Sammy,” you protested, searching through the gas for your brother.

“He’s fine,” Dean growled, pulling harder. “Now come on.”

“No!” You yanked your arm from Dean’s grasp. He didn’t try to grab you again; he didn’t think he had to.

“Y/N, come. That’s an order.”

You gritted your teeth, shoving down the pain in your body that begged you to listen to Dean.

“Screw your orders.”

Dean’s eyes flashed black as he advanced on you.

“You little—“

You didn’t hesitate—you lifted your hands and used the telekinesis that Dean had given you to fling him across the room. You turned your back, not even bothering to see where he landed.

…

You found Sam easily, and the two of you made it out of the building after Dean. The minute Sam stepped foot out the door, a man came out of nowhere and knocked him out.

“Sam!” You knelt next to your big brother, glancing in fear at the man who’d hit him. He hesitated when he saw you were just a kid.

“Stay out of my way, or you’re next,” he warned before turning to face Dean. You remembered Dean mentioning that a man was after him; you had no doubt that Dean would win this fight, so you turned your attention to waking Sam up—he was your only chance at bringing Dean home.

“Sammy, come on,” you urged. He only stirred once Dean and the other man were finished their fight—Dean won, but he didn’t kill the other man, to your surprise.

“Just stay here,” Sam instructed, shaking off his headache as he stood, demon cuffs held with his injured arm—you wondered suddenly how he’d been hurt—and holy water in the other hand.

You stayed back as Sam approached Dean from behind. It was over in mere seconds—Dean, distracted by the holy water, was unable to fight off the cuffs that Sam slapped on him.

“Dean, stop! It’s over.”

…

You got into the passenger’s seat after Sam ushered Dean into the back. Sam was outside, passing off the First Blade to Crowley.

“You picked the wrong side,” Dean said, and the sound of his voice made you flinch.

“Says the one in the handcuffs,” you shot back, but your voice was much too shaky for Dean to take seriously.

“Oh, this won’t last,” Dean said, lifting his hands. “And once these come off, you’re going to regret using those powers on me.”

…

You breathed easier when Sam returned to the Impala, and the three of you were off. Sam and Dean were arguing about Dean’s fight with that man, Cole. Sam was convinced that because Dean let him live, there was still some good in him.

“Letting him live was the worst thing I could’ve done to him,” Dean chuckled. “And that’s nothing compared to what I’m going to you.” Sam swallowed nervously, but Dean continued. “Or to our little sister.” You nearly jumped out of your seat when Dean kicked it.

“Stop it,” Sam demanded. “She…she didn’t do anything.”

“Oh, she picked her side,” Dean insisted. “And she picked wrong.”

…

You were shaking by the time the Impala reached the bunker. Sam kept glancing at you out of the corner of his eye, recognizing the symptoms; you needed more blood.

“Stay here,” he instructed as he stepped out to get Dean. “I’m gonna get him settled downstairs and I’ll come back for you.”

Sure enough, a few minutes later Sam returned and led you to your room.

“You know what I have to do, right?” He asked gently. You nodded.

“Tie me down and lock me up, right?”

“I’m sorry,” Sam said. “I don’t want to, but—“

“But there’s a demon in the bunker, and I’m about to go through extreme withdrawals,” you finished. “I-I know Sam. It’s not your fault.” Your gaze was glued to your fidgeting hands.

“Hey, look at me.” When you met his gaze, Sam continued. “It’s not your fault either. I know you didn’t want it.”

“I started to.” You swallowed the lump in your throat. “Af-after a while, I started to want it. The power…all of it.”

“It’s ok.” Sam pulled you close, and his embrace made you feel more at home than you had in weeks. “I know how that feels, but we’re gonna fix it. I’m gonna be right here.”

When he pulled away, you took a deep breath.

“I’m ready.”

…

You were wrong. Dead wrong, and so was Sam. Sam was killing you, you were sure of it.

Of course, that was the withdrawal talking, but you were too far deep in your pain to know that. All you knew was that you’d never hurt this much in your life, and the way to make the pain go away was right downstairs, but Sam wouldn’t let you near it.

“I need Dean,” you cried for the thousandth time. “Sammy, please!” You were in too much pain to even notice that Sam wasn’t there, and he hadn’t been in to check on you in a while. In fact, you were so distracted that you didn’t even notice the door opening, and the very person you were begging for walking in.

“I told you you picked the wrong side,” Dean chuckled, his voice grabbing your attention.

“Dean,” you whimpered, in too much pain to be scared or curious that he’d gotten out. “Dean, please.”

“You know—“ Dean sighed as he began to undo the straps holding your legs. “You talk too much.” Once both your legs were free, Dean made his way near your head. You swallowed hard as Dean picked up a knife that you’d left on your dresser. “So I think I’ve found the perfect punishment for you. I mean, you did use your powers on me. Did you think I was just going to forget that?”

“P-punishment?” You asked nervously.

“Yeah,” Dean glared down at you, his eyes flashing black. “First, I’m gonna cut off your tongue. Then, I’m gonna give you so much blood, that you won’t be able to think straight. Then you’re gonna help me kill Sammy, then Crowley. And if you ever disobey me again, I’ll slit your throat.” Dean grinned. “How’s that for a little brotherly love?”

Dean’s knife was inching closer to your mouth, his other hand gripping your face to keep you still, when the lights went out. Dean released you, and a tense silence filled the bunker for a moment or two before the emergency lights clicked on, red light casting an eery glow throughout your room.

“Looks like it’s your lucky day,” Dean said to you. “Now that I know where Sammy is, you can wait; after all, you’re not going anywhere.”

All you could do was watch as Dean turned and walked out, intent on killing your brother.

…

You were struggling against the restraints to no avail when Sam came bursting into the room.

“Did he hurt you?” Sam demanded, alarmed when you suddenly burst into tears.

“I-I thought he was gonna kill you,” you cried.

“It’s ok, I’m ok,” Sam assured you as he started to undo you restraints.

“Don’t!” You insisted. “I’m…I don’t think I’m clean yet.”

Sam halted his movements, his eyes trained on your face.

“He didn’t hurt you?” Sam asked.

“He didn’t get the chance.” You sniffled. “W…where is he?”

“Chained up again,” Sam sighed. “Cas is watching him. I think…I think maybe he’s almost human now.”

“Go to him,” you insisted. “I’ll be ok here until I’m clean, really.” Somehow, Dean’s threats had strengthened your resolve to stay away from demon blood. “Go bring our Dean back.”

…

“I want to see her.”

Sam was adamant. “You can’t, not yet.”

Dean sighed, rubbing his newly-freed hands over his face.

“Why not?”

Before Sam could answer, a cry of pain could be heard from your room. Sam cringed.

“She…she’s still in detox. She could go nuts if she sees you, even though you’re not a demon anymore. We can’t take that chance.”

Dean didn’t argue; he knew Sam was right. Still, the next two days were complete torture as he was forced to stay away from you, listening to your pleas for him. Every time you called out his name was a reminder that it was Dean’s fault that you were hurting.

“I’m sorry,” he found himself whispering over and over under his breath every time you cried out; he was desperate to tell you in person.

After those awful two days, the screaming stopped. Dean was already halfway to your room when he was stopped by Sam.

“She’s ok,” Sam insisted. “I think she’s clean. I just took her restraints off.”

“Ok,” Dean said simply, trying to move past Sam and toward your door. Sam moved in front of him.

“She’s sleeping. She needs it.”

Dean deflated, discouraged.

“What is this, Sam? Are you really trying to help her, or do you just not trust me?” He knew he was being unfair, but he had to know.

“It’s not about you,” Sam assured him, clearly pushing away his hurt at Dean’s implication. “She needs rest. Besides, I…I don’t know how she’ll react to seeing you again, and I don’t want to push her faster than I need to.”

Dean was silent for a long moment, before finally asking the question that had been nagging at him for days.

“Do you think she hates me?”

Sam looked pained, as if he had expected the question.

“Right now I…I almost wish she did,” Sam said. “Because I think she hates herself more than anything.”

…

You’d been awake for about twenty minutes, but you hadn’t moved. At least, your body hadn’t moved; your mind was going at a breakneck speed. You remembered briefly that Sam had said Dean was cured, but you couldn’t be sure if you’d imagined it in your withdrawal fog. You were pretty sure that most of yesterday had been a hallucination. Sam had insisted that he wouldn’t let Dean in, yet there he had been, jeering at you, saying again and again that the second you were clean, you’d be useless again.

You knew it wasn’t real, it couldn’t be. But the hallucination had been right anyway.

The sound of the door opening had your head turning, but your mind still hadn’t left its dark corner.

“Hey,” Sam greeted, and even though the door was only open a little, you could see Dean standing behind him. That only lasted for a moment before Sam squeezed himself into your room and shut the door behind him. “How are you?”

“He doesn’t want to see me?” Your eyes remained glued to the door where Dean had been standing, even as you sat up.

“What?” Sam frowned. “Of course he does, I just…I wanted to check with you first. Are you gonna be ok to see him?”

You nodded. “If…” you were suddenly nervous at the thought of seeing Dean after everything. “If he wants to.”

“Of course he does. Why wouldn’t he?”

Shame bubbled up in you as you thought about the past few weeks, and you ducked your head, unwilling to answer Sam’s question. He didn’t push it; instead, he turned to go, leaving the door open so that Dean could take his place.

“Hey sweetheart,” Dean greeted gently, and you heard rather than felt your breath pick up at the sound of his voice. You kept your eyes downcast.

What did Dean think of you? You remembered how disappointed and angry he had been with Sam when Sam had gotten hooked on demon blood. Would Dean hate you now? Would he finally see you as the burden you’d always been, now that you didn’t have powers anymore?

“Sweetheart, would you look at me?” When your eyes met his, you saw not anger or disappointment, but sadness. That was too much for you. The tears came suddenly and soundlessly. “Oh, kiddo…” Dean sighed, reaching his hands out to comfort you. However, you’d spent too much time with the rough, angry demon Dean to see comfort in his hands. When you flinched back, Dean stopped immediately, returning his hands to his sides. “I’m sorry, I…” Dean’s voice cracked. “I didn’t come here to scare you, I just wanted to apologize. I know that doesn’t make up for what I did, but…but I wanted you to know.”

You looked up suddenly, not surprised but doubtful. You’d expected an apology from Dean, but you hadn’t expected it to sound quite so sincere; you’d expected underlying disappointment at least.

“You…” you swallowed. “You’re not upset with me?”

“With you?” Dean was confused. “Why would I be upset with you?”

You ducked your head as the tears returned.

“I-I was weak,” you choked out. “I’m still weak.”

“Hey, hey.” Dean tilted your chin up with his fingers, his hands as gentle as could be on your skin. “None of this—not one bit—was your fault. I did this to you, and I don’t blame you, not for a second. Understand?”

You were shaking your head.

“I-I should’ve—“

“There was nothing you coulda done to stop me,” Dean said, self-loathing lacing his every word. “And I know how impossible it is to stop on your own after you’ve started, I’d never blame you for getting addicted.”

You stayed silent as you processed his words. Once you had, you felt the need to speak again.

“I don’t blame you either,” you insisted. “You weren’t the same—demon you. It wasn’t anything like you, it wasn’t your fault.”

Dean looked dubious, but he also didn’t bother to argue. Comfortable silence reigned for several minutes before he spoke again.

“How do you feel?”

“Starving,” you answered honestly, to which Dean smiled.

“You wanna take a little trip? You and me, I’ll take you to get some food.”

The idea of Dean bundling you into the Impala and driving off—without Sam nonetheless—had terror gripping your heart, accelerating its pace. You didn’t blame Dean for what he’d done, but the memories were still all too fresh.

“Or,” Dean countered, instantly noting your panicked expression. “Or I could go and get something to bring back, and you, me, and Sammy could have a movie night?”

You nodded—that sounded perfect. Dean was just turning to go when you stopped him.

“Dean? Does…is there any part of you that wishes I’d stayed that way?”

“What way?” Dean’s brows drew together, whether in concern or confusion you couldn’t tell. “You mean, addicted to demon blood?”

“I just mean…” you struggled to force the words out. “I mean…useful.”

Deans face fell, and you regretted asking.

“What?”

“I-I mean, I don’t really do anything around here. At least then, I—“

“Stop.” You weren’t sure if it was the seriousness of his tone, or the fact that you’d spent the last few weeks obeying his every word, but you shut up immediately when Dean spoke. “I want you to listen to me very carefully,” Dean said slowly and deliberately, and again you stayed obediently silent. “Nothing about what I did to you was good, ok? And you are not useless. Actually,” Dean waved his hand in front of his face dismissively. “Forget about use. Sam was right, you’re not some tool, ok? You’re important to us, and not because of what you can do. But even if it was about that, you do so much for us. You’ve been with me and Sammy through everything, and that matters way more than you moving stuff with your mind, ok?”

Despite the tears that were still falling, you felt a smile tug at your lips.

“Ok, Dean.”

“Ok,” Dean said with a firm nod. “Go find Sam, and I’ll head out for food.”

You stood almost mechanically and headed for the door without a word. Dean recognized your stance with a silent horror.

“Hey,” Dean’s voice was shaky as he reached out and grabbed your hand. “That…it wasn’t an order, ok? I’m not making you do anything, I—“

“I know,” you interrupted, understanding his horror. “It’s just…habit, I-I guess. Shut up and obey, you know?” You wished you hadn’t added that last part when you saw Dean stiffen ever so slightly, swallowing hard.

“I’m so—“

“Don’t apologize again,” you pleaded. “I forgive you, ok? I-I guess I just need to unlearn some things.”

Dean nodded, but you could tell he was still beating himself up inside. You took two strides and reached him, pulling him into an embrace. His arms enveloped you entirely, and you realized that you’d forgotten how much you missed him.

“Tell me if I can help with that, ok?” He said.

“Ok,” you promised. “Now go get me some food, I’m starving.”

Dean’s chest rumbled next to your ear as he chuckled.

“Yes ma’am.”

Taglist:

@mrvlxgrl @nyotamalfoy @chocorade @inlovewhithafairytale @aestheticdaisies @that-wannabe-vangoghgurl

Fic Taglist:

@just-levyy @mfstargirlsworld

#dean winchester #the winchesters #dean and sam #dean winchester x reader #supernatural dean #dean winchester x you #winchesters x reader #sam winchester #sam winchester x reader #winchesters x sister #dean winchester x little sister!reader #dean winchester x sister #dean winchester x sister!reader #demon dean #demon dean x little sister #demon dean x reader #sam winchester x sister!reader

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evolnoomym · 4 months ago

Text

Bigger than the whole sky 🌌

Dbf!Joel Miller x f!reader

Pt.2🌠 | Main Masterlist | Joel Miller Masterlist

Summary: You meet Joel and well of course you fall for each other. It’s a bit bumpy since he’s your Dads best friend. But things seem to work out until they don’t anymore. One event changes everything.

Rating: 18+ mature content mdni!!!!

Word count: 5.1k

Warnings: no use of y/n, pov switches that might be confusing, female reader, reader has hair, reader wears makeup, reader can get pale, weight loss, implied childhood abuse, trauma, angst, heavy angst(?), implied smut, alludes to pregnancy, funerals, coffins, reader has no name only a bunch of nicknames, size difference, dbf!Joel Miller, mentions of throwing up, loss of a loved one, grief, depression (?), food and eating issues are mentioned, talks of having a baby, Blood, dark thoughts, intrusive thoughts, age gap, readers age is not exactly mentioned but Joel is 44, talks of getting married….

If I missed anything please let me know 🙏🏻

Authors note: this is for @almostfoxglove ‘s Angst Writing Challenge. Shoutout to her she created the moodboard, it’s sooooo beautiful. 🫶🏻

Shoutout to @thecutestgrotto and @cafekitsune for the dividers 💙

Disclaimer: English is not my first language so if you come across mistakes it might be due to that. This is also only my second time posting writing for a specific character. I’m totally here for constructive criticism or feedback on how to improve. In general I appreciate comments, likes and reblogs greatly. This not beta read btw only by my eyes and they hurt after starring at the screen for so long 🌌🫶🏻

And lastly I’ll leave some songs i listened to while writing <3

loml by Taylor Swift

Black Friday by Tom Odell

This is what the drugs are for by Gracie Abrams

I guess by Mitski

Present by Lloyd Vaan

Je te laisserai des mots by Patrick Watson

Home by Daughter

Allowed to be Happy by Gustavo Santaolalla

Song on the Beach by Arcade Fire, Owen Pallet

aisatsana [102] by Aphex Twin

Fourth of July by Sufjan Stevens

Francis Forever by Mitski

A House In Nebraska by Ethel Cain

Medicine by Daughter

Youth by Daughter

I can barely say his name by Patrick Jonsson

listen before I go by Billie Eilish

You remember exactly how you met Joel Miller, it was so simple. He was the one to give your Dad a job at the construction company he led together with his younger brother Tommy. In the beginning you only heard how great of a boss he supposedly was through your Dads stories.

Joel and him seemed to have grown into real good friends in the span of mere weeks. You always had wondered what the man from his stories was like in person, up close.

When you had to drive to the construction site to bring your Dad his lunch he had forgotten due to being a bit busy that morning. It seemed like your wishes to meet Joel would become reality. You didn’t think the big boss would spend his precious time with the actual building process but as you'd figure out in the future, Joel is a hands on kinda guy.

You must’ve looked super out of place and quite lost when he approached you. His Texas drawl still echoed through your head hours later. „Well Hello Darlin, lookin for someone?“ and if that alone didn’t completely blew you away, then certainly his stunning looks. When you turned towards the voice a tall, broad and awfully handsome man looked back at you.

After an awkward beat of silence he stretched his hand out towards you “Apologies sweetheart, should’a start with the name, huh?” Tilting his head slightly “Name’s Joel, Joel Miller.” At that you let your hand slip onto his outstretched one. His hand was so huge, warm and calloused. Shaking his hand kinda calmed you down Joel Miller was absolutely lovely. “Nice to finally meet the famous Joel Miller that my Dad keeps yapping about nonstop.” You giggled while cheekily winking at him.

That must’ve been a key moment for everything that was to follow. You’d see Joel again and again. Whether due to your Dad inviting the single, 44 year old Man over or due to you having to deliver your Dad’s forgotten food.

The tension was slowly building higher and higher between you two until one day in Joel’s office you could no longer hold back.

Joel stood in his office with you by his side, in front of a pinboard containing all sorts of information about his newest project. He was animatedly explaining processes you’d never understand in a million years. You actually kind of tuned him out and just enjoyed being unbelievably close to him.

Then his face kinda looked confused. Oh no he must’ve asked you a question. Shaking your head you say “Mhhh sorry, what did you just ask?” Joel tilts his head towards you the way he always does and then states “Ya didn’t listen to a single word I just said, right Sweetcheeks?”

He always comes up with the most ridiculous nicknames that cause a vicious pull in your lower stomach. You lost count of how many conversations with him ended in drenched panties.

“I….i -of course I was listening to you, why wouldn’t I?” You stammered a bit offensively, surely he’d see right through you.

“Hm kay, so what was I talkin bout, gorgeous?” He’s teasing at this point.

“Ok I wasn’t listening but that is a lot I don’t get anyway so can you really blame me, Miller?” You fired back.

“So, whatcha thinkin bout inside of that pretty little head of yours, instead of listening to me?” You just scoff at him “Let’s not pretend you don’t know exactly what I was thinking about Joel.” Pointing one accusing finger at his broad chest. At that motion Joel enveloped your wrist in one of his massive hands, pulling you closer that way. Until you were right in front of him, only a tiny space left between your faces. “Why don’t ya tell me whatcha thinkin about Baby?”

He must know, just by seeing how your eyes keep slipping down to glance at his pillowy lips, what is going through your head. You’ve been dancing around this topic, the tension, the pull towards each other, how forbidden it is for all of this to happen. Joel is your Dads Best friend and he’s twice as old as you are but you know that if you don’t kiss him right now you’ll go insane. It’s all you think about, kissing him and then some more.

For the first time in years you actually consider letting someone get so close again. Joel would never hurt you like the ones before him did, no, he’s mature and wouldn’t play any of those stupid games. You know how kind, considerate, protective and caring he is for the ones he loves. Sure it won’t be easy to explain any of this to your Dad but you can’t think about that right now, no, you have to kiss Joel, it’s the last thought before leaning up to push your lips against his.��

One chaste kiss that erupted into a full blown make out session that only got interrupted by some frantic knocks at Joel’s Office door.

From that day on those meetings became a routine, in his office, his truck, his house or sometimes he’d take you out of town for a super secret Date. The thrill of hiding with the possibility of getting caught soon turned into shame for lying to your Dad so much. You wanted to tell him even though it scared you more than anything how he might react.

Surprisingly though he didn’t completely freak out, of course he was shocked and confused how this combination came to be. More than anything he took the lying personally and made clear that as long as you are happy, so is he. If Joel was the one then so be it, besides your Dad has a lot of respect for Joel and knows you're in good hands.

After 3 months of being an official couple Joel asked if you’d be happy to move in with him. You had to think about it for a long time, feeling quite guilty about leaving your Dad behind but he reassured you that he would be fine on his own. He told you that a grown woman like you shouldn’t have to live with her boring old man anymore than you already did.

So you moved into Joel’s house. And what followed were months filled with wonderful memories. Many barbecues were held, your Dad and Joel always standing at the grill together, each nursing on their beer bottles.

Whenever you wanted to try a new recipe your Dad was invited over so you could make sure he still ate enough, the night always ending with you sending him home with a bunch of Tupperware's filled to the brim with deliciously homemade meals.

When you wanted to paint the walls in the living room a new shade your Dad came over to help.

Making sure his baby girl is happy and content was your Dads number one priority.

Then one day you went over to his house to catch up a little bit, just you two having some Dad and Daughter one on one quality time.

He was so excited when you told him that Joel and you want to have a baby.

He told you what a great mother you’d make because of how wonderful you always have been with kids and how much you always wanted to have kids of your own.

To others it might’ve been weird to share such an information with their Dad but you have such a close bond that it’s not weird at all.

You were so happy on the drive home cuz you know what great grandpa he’d make.

It must've been exactly one week later when you woke up with an indescribable feeling in your chest. As if the world spun a little slower, or the air felt more compromising…whatever it was you couldn’t stop feeling like something had happened.

Your intuition only perked up more when your Dad didn’t show up for the usual Sunday’s breakfast you recently started doing.

After 8 calls that nobody picked up you told Joel you would drive over there and as if he knew that you would need him for whatever was awaiting you there, he came with you.

The closer you got to the house the worse you felt. Hands sweaty, heartbeat racing and your stomach felt like turning over at the sight of the house. Usually he would be up by now playing his obnoxiously loud music that you’d hear on the street through the open kitchen window. Instead it was eerily quiet.

When Joel had parked the car he told you to wait for him but you couldn't. You just ran up the steps, unlocked the door with your spare key and bolted through the house as if on instinct you skipped up the steps to his bedroom. You flung the door open and there he was. Just laying on his designated side with his glasses still on and one hand on his chest across his heart. He looked like he was just sleeping but deep down you knew he was not. You can’t remember a lot, only that you immediately bolted towards the bathroom to empty your stomach out, Joel came up too and tried comforting you through the heaving. Then he tried to get you away from the scene. Joel took care of everything while you just locked up inside of yourself. No tears, no screams, no words, not a singular reaction just nothing. Joel had never seen you look so…empty.

Later on the authorities would say it’s just natural cause, he simply passed in his sleep, nothing dramatic. Not the kind of closure you would have wanted. It didn’t matter how “normal” it was, your world stopped spinning entirely. Everyone seemed to go one but you just stopped.

Suddenly without any foreshadowing everything was completely flipped on its head. You loved him so much, he was your best friend. He told you all the time how much he loved you even with all your struggles. You’d never have to prove your worth to him; he'd love you no matter what. In his eyes you were a gift, opposite to your mother that looked at you as a burden. You never felt loved by her. She took away your precious childhood and forced you to grow up quickly. So you could take care of her. Even when you told her how close to the edge you were she always made everything about herself. Out of your parents the one person that actually wanted you, died and with him so did your willingness to continue with the fight against all your inner demons.

You lost yourself after that. For weeks you just slept, barely moving, only getting up to use the toilet and perhaps eat something small and drink a bit. Joel had to shower you, otherwise you wouldn’t have done it yourself. Who you were before losing your Dad was gone, as if you died with him.

Joel tried everything in his power to make you feel better. One time he wanted to paint with you since you loved to do that, but the moment your eyes caught sight of the little paint pots you ran for the toilet to empty out your stomach. Later on he realized his mistake, you used to paint with your Dad a lot all the way back in your childhood so of course that would not make you feel better. Then he tried playing music for you either your favorite songs from your playlist or on his guitar. Nothing, you just continued to be completely catatonic.

Then the funereal came, a day Joel dreaded he was not sure you’d be able to handle it. In the morning he made your hair and applied a bit of makeup, he watched you do your little routine often enough to know what he was doing. Afterwards he dressed you in a simple black dress and equally black flats. Walking only worked since Joel kept you upright.

Sitting in the front row bench at the chapel you looked like a ghost. Pale and sunken in. You were asked to do a speech about your Dad but that would’ve been impossible. So Joel went up to do it instead. You just stared straight ahead at the coffin, not sparing a glance towards Joel.

And once everything was over, the people, mostly his colleagues, paid him their respects. When everyone was gone you stayed and just laid your head on the coffin silently sobbing, which was the most emotion Joel had seen in weeks from you. Only he was to witness this vulnerability.

Staring at the completed grave was just as daunting. His name is written in cold stone. All that’s left is this hole in the earth and a stone on top with his name.

You walked away without sparring another glance toward the grave.

Then it seemed like you were getting better. You spoke more, ate more and slept less. You even searched out body contact with Joel, though it was just some cuddling and gentle kissing. But he took it as a step in the right direction.

You almost fully returned to your old self but Joel could have not predicted how wrong he would be.

He should’ve listened to his gut that told him something was off when you didn’t kiss him goodbye before he left for work that morning.

You know how hard it will be but there’s no other choice. You have to get away, you have to leave so he can find someone better, someone who deserves a man like Joel Miller, someone less troubled, someone normal.

Those fears you have now, always were inside of you but with your Dad passing they just all came to the surface. Grief killed you, it took everything, it’s as if you're in a room with a beautiful glowing bulb and some dark entity just rips it away. You're left in the dark and not even Joel’s light can make it better.

You lost something nothing can replace.

All your life you feared what would happen if you’d lose someone like this without any way of getting closure, he died without any warning just poof and gone he was.

Your final goodbye was never said.

Now you can’t remember how he used to be, you only remember him laying in his bed without moving a damn muscle,dead. You were the one to find him and even though it was not some unsettling scene it’s not leaving your head. You try hard to remember how he spoke that sarcastic tone he usually used.

You can’t remember his face anymore, not even looking at pictures brings him back and at the same time he’s all you think about as if he’s haunting you. You hate him for leaving you so early. Why him? What kind of curse was laid upon you that everything always seems to fall apart when you think it’s finally working out.

It’s as if some higher up can sense that you are happy and content with your life and they don’t want to give you that sorta life.

The moment your brain processed what had happened you fell into the darkness like a big hole that sucked you in without any way out. Anyone around you could be another loss so what do you do? You leave, you disappear so no one gets hurt by whatever is wrong with you.

Looking at yourself hurts because it’s him you see and it’s him you hear in your head he’s everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Sometimes you feel like you’re hallucinating because you swear to see him round the corner, you can almost hear him call out but when you try to look there’s nothing.

Sometimes but much rarer than you’d like to admit you’ve visited the grave, sometimes you speak to no one. Sometimes you scream in agony till you almost lose consciousness from the lack of oxygen. Sometimes you just stare.

It’s a sick twist of events considering how often he walked on cemeteries with you as a child. You didn’t understand the meaning behind them back then, you only loved to admire the beautiful flower ornaments laying on top of the graves. Your dad always told you how soothing these walks seemed for you.

One time he took you and you had so much fun admiring the flowers giggling and smiling. Your dad wanted to tell you off since it’s a place where people grieved especially with a woman sitting nearby crying. He went to apologize to her on your behalf but the woman told him not to. She thought it was an uplifting sight to see little you having so much joy about the flowers, that’s a story he always kept telling you again and again.

All your life those walks soothed your frayed mind. The quiet somber energy is something no other place could compare with. Now it’s the last place you’d wanna be in. The moment you step foot on the property, the panic starts to creep up on you. The closer you get to him the worse it gets.

Sometimes the voices in your head scream to just start digging into the earth to get him out of that godforsaken coffin. Look at him, do something to bring him back. If the devil would show up to take you instead of your dad you’d do it. He was a troubled man but he tried so hard. He did not deserve any of this, he should’ve been here for all the good times yet to come.

You imagined him walking you down the aisle, having that stupid first look with him where he’d surely try so hard not to cry but looking at his baby in a wedding dress would’ve been way too much for him to stay strong. You imagined having your first dance with him.

You imagined how excited he would’ve been to hear that he was going to be a grandpa. In your head you can see him with a little baby that looks just like you. But none of this will ever happen; he's dead.

Sometimes it’s hard to even look at Joel. He's connected to him as well; he was his boss and one of his closest friends. It’s not fair you know but in your head you see Joel and your dad laughing on the porch about some old men shit like always making their awful dad jokes. Or drinking a beer together or looking to fix something around the house.

The house, Joel’s house and a place your dad spent a lot of time in. Walking through the hallways is not pleasant anymore, the couch is avoided as best as you can. He used to sit here all the time watching soccer games with Joel. The chair at the dining table he always sat on had to be removed simply seeing it made you sick and eating was already a hefty struggle since he passed.

He left a mark anywhere and all of it was getting too much. The pressure in your head becomes more and more unbearable.

Even though you tried to push all those negative festering thoughts away the voices could not be shut up no matter what you tried.

The worst was when they started to go for Joel, suddenly all you could think of was how he’d die. Joel is only 10 years your dad’s junior. So if he died then why not Joel too.

So many horrible scenarios played out inside your mind. Car accident, some freak accident on a construction site, getting attacked by multiple people, torturing him slowly, beating him to death, his head all split open, blood everywhere, or what if he gets shot by some crazy Texan who loves guns. There really was not a scenario left to imagine.

Nightmares in the most cruel ways destroying you slowly from the inside out. And that just proved how one thing can make an avalanche of events happen. He was your purpose for most of your life, you only continued to play this game called life because you could not leave him. And now he left you.

One time he told you how if it weren’t for you he’d be dead or in jail since there would be no reason to give a damn about his life. He was just like you, living for others instead of for himself. No one understood you like him. Somewhere deep inside you know he wouldn’t want you to blame yourself so much but that singular fact does nothing compared to all the ever suffocating darkness.

You’d give anything to have him back, feel his warm embrace one more time, hear him say how much he loves you, have him tell you one of his stories, have him tell you it’s going to be alright, take one more look and inhale his signature scent. You have one of his shirts doused in his favorite perfume, it’s what you used to do in all those years you lived far away from him during childhood. Now it does not help like it did back then. What remains of him? Nothing, all of his stuff shoved into a storage unit looked up, buried just like him.

You know Joel tried hard to be supportive and not push you too hard. Sometimes you wished he would’ve just screamed at you, slapped some sense into you and told you to stop being such a disgraceful mess. That’s what they would’ve done.

But Joel is not like that, he helped you so much. Putting himself so far behind. So much so that you feel sorry he has to deal with an ill girlfriend, that’s what you are, a mental wreck.

He deserves better treatment than the lackluster one you have given him in the last months. He deserves to be free of your weight dragging him down towards the abyss. Even though he told you in the beginning that he loves you with all the baggage and all the challenges, you cannot let him continue to waste his time.

Besides you’re convinced he’d leave you anyway like everyone before one way or another you end up alone. You have no control of the situation but if you leave then you have the control it still hurts but it’s the only option in your head.

The decision was made weeks ago, it felt wrong to lie to Joel to keep him thinking everything is fine only to then rip it all away but perhaps it’ll make him hate you so it’s easier. If he hates you then he will be able to move on with his life. Burn all you build together down.

And then you knew today would be the day. You couldn’t bear to kiss him in the morning; it would only make everything harder. Some time after he left you got up. One last time using the shower you both occasionally used together having foam party’s, giggling, washing each other and then kissing, touching till it leads to you with your cheek squished against the tile and Joel behind you ferociously hitting that special spot inside of you, till you both reach your high. Now you’re alone staring at that specific spot in the tiles, too much so you turn away.

One last time looking at yourself in the mirror above the sink, the mirror Joel and you both looked into while brushing your teeth. You dry your hair, put on fresh clothes, nothing too dramatic, just some simple black leggings and a black cotton shirt.

Then you start packing the most important stuff into two big suitcases. Basically only clothes, some hygiene products and a few trinkets that you don’t want to leave behind. The rest can be either sold by Joel or thrown away. You don’t care, the less holding you back the better.

Once the suitcases are packed you haul them down the stairs towards the front door. And then you just wait. For hours you sit at the dining table just staring ahead at the wall opposite where so many photos of Joel and you hang so many memories and you’ll destroy it.

You should feel bad but these days you barely feel anything, numb is what you think you feel most of the time. Maybe that’s what your ex meant when he said that you don’t own a heart, that you’re a cold blooded mean person. Someone who plays with people until they stop serving their purpose, that's what he said.

It’s almost 8pm, Joel should be home soon. You have practically studied the words you’ll say. An Uber already ordered to arrive 15 minutes after he should get home. Not much to talk about the less the easier so you can just walk away.

Then you hear it, Joel’s truck driving up the driveway and coming to a halt. How he gets out and slams the door shut behind him. His keys jiggling while he searches for the right one. Unlocking the door and closing it behind him. You don’t turn towards him although you know he must be looking at you in astonishment. He can not miss the suitcases and something about the lack of his words tells you he knows exactly what this means.

Joel cannot believe what he walked into, he knew something was off but just thought that he was starting to imagine things but here you are sitting like an empty shell of yourself and the packed suitcases can only mean one thing, he tries his hardest not to freak out that won’t make anything better.

He starts walking towards you, slowly, once he reaches the threshold of the living room he speaks up

“Moon, Darling what’s goin on?” He immediately continues “What’s with those suitcases, huh?” He can’t even hide the nervous quiver in his voice.

You turn to finally look at him with empty eyes, get up and walk up to him and then “I have to leave.” And with that you move to walk past him but Joel stops you by reaching for you arm, you immediately pull your arm away hissing “Don’t fuckin touch me Joel.”

He’s stunned by this harsh rejection, his expression full of hurt. Yet he persists by getting close, grabbing your face with both hands, his warm calloused hands that you love- loved so much. He urges “Talk to me baby, what is going on, why would ya need to leave?” Even with everything he tried to be gentle, his voice panicked yet almost just a whisper.

He can see in your eyes some sadness creeping in when you mutter “Joel..-“ you take one deep inhale “-…this House no longer feels like home.” He can tell even with how hard you try to appear collected that it pains you to say those words. “Wh…what do ya mean? If- if the house is the problem we can just move.” You cut in “No Joel, no i..I don’t love you anymore. Ok? I can’t stay here any longer.”

It’s a punch right into his gut there’s no way you are serious. “Baby all ya stuff is here you can’t just leave.” He tries to find something to buy him time. “I don’t care Joel just…just throw it away or sell it or I don’t know fuckin burn it. I won’t need it anyway.” He’s so shocked that you use that to continue your path towards the front door and the waiting suitcases.

On top of one suitcase lies a tote bag containing your phone, a jacket and your wallet sits. You swing it over your shoulder, you can hear that Joel has started crying, his huffed breaths are all you can hear.

That’s when a car starts honking outside, the Uber is here, you go to open the front door twisting the knob you can hear him walking up behind you with heavy steps. You open the door anyway with him at your back and you move the suitcases out onto the porch. Joel’s trying his hardest to contain his sobbing to a minimum but it’s hard he loves you so much, he thinks about the ring in his wardrobe hidden behind stuff you’d never go for and he thinks about the talks you two had of having a baby. If only he knew

His heart is breaking watching you walk away from all of it. You turn to him, one last time, he looks shattered, you've never seen Joel like this, you give him a nod as if to give him the ok to touch you one more time if only to give some kind of closure. He moves closer without hesitation and takes your face in his hands once more and leans his forehead against yours. His frantic breathing collides with your face and then “Wh…why Baby just why?” He sobs A simple question and you decide to give him at least something you reach up to put your hands over his to get him to open his eyes.

“Joel I’m not myself anymore, i-…i feel so all over the place and I’m so scared.” Tears start clouding your sight. “I need to be away from everything. I need to be alone far away to just maybe find some peace. I need to be gone.” And the tears start falling “No matter where I look I can’t stop seeing him and it’s crushing me.” Now you're full on crying. He’s processing what you’re saying and somewhere in his mind he understands that, still he can’t believe this is it.

“Ok-….if ya need to go at least promise you’ll give some sorta sign ya alright?” He looks desperate “Please Baby….please just a text something anything.” You only nod and then pull out of his grasp, take the suitcases and shakinly make your way to the Uber. Joel can only watch and hope you’ll stick to your words, hope that you’ll find some kind of way back to yourself.

The Uber driver gets out as you approach and opens the trunk helping to put the suitcases in there. Then you walk to the right door on the back, open it and hesitate for a moment. Joel holds his breath but you continue to slip into the backseat. Closing the door and off the car goes. Joel doesn’t know for how much longer he stood on the porch long after the car was gone. What was there is no more.

Npt: @almostfoxglove @joelmillerisapunk @aurorawritestoescape @milla-frenchy @joelslegalwhre @thundermartini @studioghibelli @sizzlingcloudmentality @vivian-pascal @strang3lov3 @xdaddysprincessxx @mountainsandmayhem @mrsmando @joelsgreys @janaispunk @the-mandawhor1an @rivnedell (honestly I’m tagging pretty randomly, sorry) 💙

Please don’t repost, copy, translate, or feed into any AI, thank you 🙏🏻

#Joel Miller #joel miller one shot #dbf!joel #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x female reader #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal #angst #almostfoxgloveangstchallenge #Mina’s writing #my writing

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starboyjun · 1 year ago

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batfam as types of isekai romance male leads

in this post: bruce wayne, dick grayson, jason todd, tim drake, cassandra cain, stephanie brown, and damian wayne

bruce wayne as rudiger winterwald (i will change the genre)

bruce is definitely the cold and "i make misunderstandings for a job" type of male lead. he's the one people in the comments bash or defend for their life. bruce in his past life is the one that the female lead thinks hates them so they die thinking that he won't care but plot twist: he does care... a lot. he's the one to destroy the entire world after their death (regis floyen core) and he's the one who turned back time for her.

dick grayson as isidor visconti (isn't being a wicked woman much better?)

dick grayson is the childhood lover, the one you don't think would be interested in you because of his bright personality. you think he's doing all these things out of pure kindness until after 100+ chapters he likes you. dick grayson is the one to stick by your side and in both lives, was devoted to you.

jason todd as izek van omerta (how to get my husband on my side)

jason todd is the one who unintentionally is cold to you (another idea is he's your killer in your first life) and probably causes your death... unintentionally... maybe. he's the slow burn type of romance where you fix past misunderstandings that have been building up for the past years you've known each other/been together. after a lot of years you've spent together, he's the greenest green flag you've ever met.

tim drake as schdermel raft (my dear aster)

tim drake is the male lead who takes a while to own the reader's hearts lowkey. timmy is a duke that rose to power in the female lead's previous life and is the one that could help her/protect her from her family/problems. timmy is such a sweetheart and i think it'll take a while before romance starts to come in the story (and has reader's asking novel readers who's the male lead).

cassandra cain as dorothea millanair (the tyrant wants to be good)

cassandra cain is the ultimate "i didn't want to be this, my surroundings made me be this." cassandra had a hard childhood because of her father and her "home" similar to many manhwa female leads. cassandra is the type to regret her past life and change for the better. she's not a brainless female lead, she knows a lot of things and will want to change (similar to dorothea).

stephanie brown as athanasia de alger obelia (wmmap)

stephanie is a female lead who is kinda stupid ("why did the plot change" type things) but overall is a strong female lead. she's one to go down in history (like athy). she's one who doesn't need a male lead to back her up and overall chases the plot to chang people's lives. steph is a happy girl and deserves a happy ending.

damian wayne as maximilian kasin ashet (father i dont want to get married)

damian is the one who (unintentionally/intentionally) killed you in your past life. damain grew up as a stuck up brat kid, though he is less of a brat, he's a trained killer for gods sake. damian is one who isn't familiar with love and being gentle. he probably grew up on the battlefield and is labelled "mad dog" or "cold blooded killer" or something along those lines. once you show damian you're not like the other girls afraid of him, he starts to fall... hard.

bonus: alfred pennyworth

the reliable butler of the family who's been serving the family for ages. he's the first one who trusts you and gets to know you on a personal level. he's always there to talk to the waynes and convince them you're a good person.

idk what to do next so lmk lol

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ham1lton · 6 months ago

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you said u read ao3 fics! what are your f1 recs?

ahhh!!!!! this is the best question you could have ever asked me like ever i love you so much. i’ve been dying to talk abt this for a hot minute. i opened myself up to any sort of ship mostly because i cared more abt the fic quality then the ship you know? kinda glad i did it because my fav ones are not necessarily ships i am a fan of. it’s really long so i put it under a read more!!

okay so number one has to be the fic that was my first fav f1 fic. this is steal the air out of my lungs (make me feel it). now this has a lot of elements that i love. guy who’s in his own head vs other guy who’s also in his own head but pretends he isn’t. also idk why but i’m always a sucker for a good medical au and this one fucking delivers!!! another maxiel fic i read was three rounds and a sound which has coffee shop owner daniel w/ stressed out student max. a lot of introspection but it’s also unfolding while the romance is. idk i just love this. it’s so good. last maxiel fic is come on, star boy which is a alt universe where daniel is the american guy he always wanted to be and max is the new transfer to his small town’s football team. it isn’t just incredibly written but everyone feels so real and vivid. i can visually see this in my mind everytime i read it. i listened to a lot of ethel cain while reading so that helped. i love this so much and the brocedes in the background?? you’ll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves youuu 🗣️

i’m not really a landoscar girl, i’m gonna be honest. however, where i am going is right where i am, is just incredible. alt universe where the drivers live on a street version of stars hollow? brocedes that influence everything even though they’re long over? charles being insane over max? pierre hating on esteban every second that is possible (i was laughing every time he would just cuss his ass out unprovoked) and annoying george being their street’s version of gilmore girls’ taylor?? what more do u need in ur life?? also oscar in this fic is just my dream man. i think a croissant from him would fix me. actually i read a lot of this author’s landoscar fics and they’re so cute i was sending kudos as much as i can. like already home! just want to bite them both and put them in my pocket. they’re so obviously in love i want to shake them down and scream and smoosh them together. lawyer!oscar i love you. check out their profile!! incredible writer :)))

i’m also not a galex truther but the two of us, in sympathy is so cute!! rich boy!george with broke junior doctor!alex. george attempting to court alex and just absolutely failing. i love it. they’re such a mess i need them in my life. also this loscar future fic is so intense but incredible. i’m really bad at describing but i binged it on my train home and i was really glad i did - i promised to forget you now.

the reason i even got into f1 aka brocedes. this fic i think was one of the first i read. on the faultline which is just amazing. i can’t recommend it enough. read it if u can. another fav is a brocedes threesome with their toxic fucking each other via proxy aka new money, and it’s all cash. cute brocedes!! nico thinks lewis is his sworn enemy but everyone knows otherwise. roseberg’s vs haminkton. this was so cute and funny. cause why was nico saying lewis, the owner of a tattoo shop was stealing business from him… when he owns a florists… he’s so dramatic i want to tuck him in my pocket. this job will take my sole has the same premise but they’re both shoe shops which makes a lot more sense. i just love stupid rivalries and dramatic nico.

now back to my sweethearts, the lights of my life, the fires of my heart - sewis. all of these fics have past brocedes just for context. every tongue should confess talks about religion and queer identity in such a nuanced and delicate way? i adored this fic. transmotion which is another alt universe with fashion designer!lewis and footballer!sebastian both figuring out their careers, themselves and their relationship. maybe together we can get somewhere - this is an mpreg fic which usually isn’t for me but it’s about seb and lewis going on a road trip for an abortion and it’s so good. honestly the ending line of ‘it’s a good feeling, to know that sebastian’s outstretched hand is right there.’ it just stuck with me. i loved it. the numbering at bethlehem which is thee sewis fic to me. professor au?? this was made for me. like perfectly moulded. everything about this is art. i could do a full essay on this fic. just read it, it’s incredible. just amazing. sebastian as the child prodigy who has nowhere else to climb?? i love them both in this fic so much!!! tnab sewis get behind me!! i’m gonna protect u!!

okay i’m sorry this is so long. i just love art. i love writing. i just love the work these authors’ have spent putting together these masterpieces for free!! check them out!! leave kudos!! comment!! <3

#im always open to new recs!!! :D #and if u read these and wanna chat abt any - my asks are always open :D #ao3 fic recs #sewis #maxiel #landoscar #brocedes #anon ask

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the-s1lly-corner · 1 year ago

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hello I hope ur request are open! If not be free to ignore this!! Okay so TADC x y/n? (The amazing digital circus also it can be muti characters or one!! The choice is yours!! ^ ^)

OKAY OKAY SO WHAT IF..🥁🥁🥁 y/n was like Jessica rabbit from "who framed roger rabbit" 👀 and was very like motherly to everyone but when she was called doll,/toots,/ect, by jax or anyone SHE WOULD PUNCH THEM HARDDDD (kinda like the lola bunny fanfic??) Also she is like one inch taller then jax (she a tall women👀❤️)

(HAVE FUN WITH THIS IDEA!! DONT RUSH YOURSELF TO DO IT TAKE UR TIME ON IT!! AND DRINKS LOTS OF WATER AND EAT FOOD!! HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY/NIGHT!!🫶🫶)

Digital Circus x a jessica rabbit-type reader!

since im a little melty brain from blasting through a bunch of requests today im going to do part of the cast! mostly characters i think would be interesting with this kind of reader as well as some characters i just wanna write more of (cough cough kinger cough cough)(i was originally going to do gangle as well but uhuh!!) ...this reminds me ive never watched who framed roger rabbit... or rather i have, but its been so long that ive truly forgotten nearly every aspect of the movie relying on the character wiki talking about her personality to guide me through this

CAINE:

caines and jax's parts are both likely going to be on the shorter side thanks to both of their cores holding similar themes in regards to half of the idea

anyways he's going to call you pet names, especially if he's interested in you.. good luck trying to land anything on him, though, he's going to easily zoom through the air

okay nod to the lola bunny request aside, i think caine would be just head (jaw?) over heels for you, i mean, he would be anyways, but something about your caring and quick witted personality

probably makes literal heart eyes at you and audibly goes "awooga"

absolutely loves watching you do your thing during the in house adventures, on the few times he actually spectates them; though you may or may not be the reason he watches

seems like the kind of person to call you "hot stuff" or "babe"

doesn't really care about the height difference since he rarely ever stands on the ground anyways, plus he doesn't care how small he is

JAX:

to get a good idea of how jax would interact with you, i recommend this similar post! hope this links correctly, im still new to linking stuff in my posts!!

a lot of elements from the post above bleed into this, but lets add some more to it to make it a little more unique to the jessica rabbit idea!

takes it upon himself to try to get some sort of reaction out of you, outside of the name stuff... which proves to be a little harder than he thought.. actually, oddly enough, you seem to enjoy his antics?

well thats certainly new to him...

aaaaaand oh! hey would you look at that you've officially caught his attention, congratulations!

does not take too kindly to being the new second tallest, though... sure you're barely taller than him but its the principle! how can he lord his height over everyone else now!

KINGER:

so here's where i may be biased since i love kinger and i wish more people wrote for him, so his part may be a little longer, we'll see! i write these lil notes as i work on the post

right away i dont think he would call you any of the petnames listed above, or anything similar. i think, should you guys get on a nickname basis he would call you sweeter ones, "my love," "my darling", "my sweetheart", and similar stuff!

does not have lightning reflexes like jax and caine but if the names genuinely do bother you he would likely stop, you'll just have to remind him

imma be so real this man needs someone to stand back and just be there for him because he is going through it, so to have someone in his corner who has his best interests at heart will really do a lot for him

no comment on the height difference since kinger is pretty tall himself (and hes taller than jax! the only reason jax isnt upset about that is because kinger is always hunched), but i dont think he gives a darn about height

i am once again thinking about the in house adventure prompt with kinger that i had earlier, where he gets stuck somewhere and you have to go rescue him... this + that prompt, JUMPS UP N DOWN

#tadc x reader #the amazing digital circus x reader #digital circus x reader #caine x you #caine x reader #caine imagine #jax x reader #jax imagine #jax x you #kinger x reader #kinger x you #kinger imagine

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aimedis · 2 months ago

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redacted characters as things in my journal 🎀

relatively big tw - there's like vague to explicit mentions of su!cid3 and heavily implied mental self-esteem struggles in this one (i'm alright at the moment, promise) so if that's triggering to you, don't read. this is kinda heavy and maybe disturbing to read to some people i think.

i decided to do this because i though it was kinda fun and cool to like analyse my stuff and the characters a little bit. sorry if this offends anyone ig? idk 😭 i'll be back with the more lighthearted stuff in a couple days okay let's go ->

darlin: "my feelings aren't in my control most of the time. i don't know why i feel this way."

angel before they broke up with micheal: "i think is funny (but i also feel bad) that he's always talking about "getting married" and "forever" when i have a break up letter sitting in my notes."

freelancer: lyrics to "making the bed - olivia rodirgo"

darlin: "i don't wanna talk about him anymore."

damien: "i just want my mom. and i wish i could go up to her just bawling my fucking eyes out like i'm five-years-old without feeling like a fucking failure but i can't... i've survived long enough and i can do it some more."

darlin before sam: "and a part of me will always miss what once was or could have been. but i know they will never be long term, permanent, or reality. i wasn't created to have a happy ending... but i'm okay with this. it makes it easier to slip away and disappear."

cutie: i don't know what so say really. i just feel empty and alone often. i feel out of place. i feel like everything i do is humiliating or straight up wrong. i don't know what's wrong with me."

gavin: "try as i might, i still feel like i am not in my body. living vicariously... through myself?"

baabe: "i should know. my dad didn't want me enough to stay."

lasko: "man what a fucking baby. stop crying over shit that hasn't even happened."

damien before huxley: "i wish i was dead. do you think if [mom] knew she'd wish that too?" (knew that he was gay)

lovely: lyrics to "strangers - ethel cain"

darlin: "i hope it's not my fault when it's all over. i want one thing to not be my fault. but it probably will be."

angel: "why am i crying. again. over and over and over again. it's all i ever do. cry about this or cry about that."

milo post-inversion: "this hurts a lot more than i thought. the thought of feeling like this forever? it sucks."

freelancer: "fucking kill me. i can't breathe."

sam: "is it wrong to think i don't deserve this or that it's not my fault?"

lasko: "it feels like i'm always apologizing."

david: "it really hurts when i need to talk to [him] so bad but i can't."

huxley post-inversion/xavier's death: "is it just always going to feel like this? holy shit this hurts."

damien: "i'm sorry, mom, i'm sorry."

vincent: "the real me? i don't know who that is anymore."

angel: "one more or one less, nobody's worried. my tummy hurts."

darlin before sam: "i don't plan on feeling like this again. i don't plan on "being in love" ever again. as if i know what that feels like... it makes me feel like shit all the time."

cutie: "after this, i'll go back to being alone. like god intended."

asset: "it's kind of sad how i don't even feel like a person sometimes."

lovely: "every so often it hurts so much i think it's gonna rip me apart from the inside."

asher post-inversion: "and it's like, sometimes it straight up feels like i'm gonna die in that moment."

sweetheart: "my greatest sin to men was being a child."

damien: lyrics to "forwards beckon rebound - adrianne lenker"

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thesimulacrasimp · 1 month ago

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🦷🎪THE AMAZING DIGITAL CIRCUS EPISODE 3 SPOILERS🎪🦷

Okay i wasnt really planning to make this post but i really wanna. I know everyone is talking about Kinger rn n i would too, but i would just say the things everyone already mentioned, so i wanna talk about my bbg Caine again.

That may sound weird, but i REALLY wasnt expecting a character development for him, thats just always sounded crazy to me: AN AI. HAVING A. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. When im thinking bout it right now i think i shouldve expect it, with Gummigoo being an npc and having real emotions and feelings in ep 2, but i just always thought that Caine will be the same as character and wont get any character development through the show like everyone else does, yknow like in the 2nd ep we got Pomni's development and in 3rd — Kinger's and a little of Zooble's — i knew that we're gonna have that for every other human in this world (aka Raghatha, Gangle, Zooble and Jax (yeah i still think that jax is a human, theres no way hes an npc, that just doesnt make any sense, considering that Goose gave a canon age for him, so i dont believe in this stupid theory, sorry not sorry)) , but seeing Caine having other emotions besides happiness and sillieness (WHICH I REALLY DIDNT FUCKING EXPECT, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT AN AI THAT WAS MADE TO ENTERTAIN VIEWERS AND HIS "OBJECTS" (i didnt know how else to call the humans in da circus, srry, english isnt my first language) WOULDNT HAVE ANY REAL EMOTIONS — ALL HED DO WOULD BE FOR ENTERTAINMENT), so seeing him having REAL emotions was something i expected less than anything. JUST LOOK AT HIM BEING ACTUALLY IRRITATED AND OFFENDED.

And of course his almost breakdown scene. I WASNT EXPECTING THIS SHIT AT ALL. An Ai having a literal CRISIS because he realized that hes bad at the only thing he supposed to be good at is just...

And this is not only sad but also scary, you know why? Because when he started thinking about it, realizing it — the whole world started to glitch heavily.

And its DEFINITELY means something. My theory is that this world and Caine is kinda one isnt separating thing — if Caine is feeling good and happy - the world is also good, if Caine is having a breakdown and crisis - the world is also not feeling really good, if Caine is gone - the world is also gone, and now i think that we'll DEFINITELY get another moment in the future where Caine will be having a crisis (maybe even more extreme than that one) to the point where the world will become an absolute MESS of a glitches and the crew would have to deal w this somehow (and all of this probably will be made into a silly haha joke from Caine in the end). Idk how much of it will be the truth in the end - maybe some of it, maybe literally nothing, who knows, its just a theory.

Also this moment made me choke fr. Bro got so deep into his mind that he needed a therapist for HIMSELF

Holy shit that was a big ramble srry bout that, I just really REALLY love my silly goober Caine n i wanted to talk about him. Thanks for reading! And sorry for my horrible english lol

my sweetheart, my scrunkly, my babygirl💗💗💗

#the amazing digital circus #tadc #tadc caine #caine #amazing digital circus #the amazing digital circus caine #tadc spoilers #gooseworx #my post

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femmeslash · 6 months ago

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role swap au where other characters from the same source material are the sinners instead. here's my picks

Dongbaek (still out for dongrang's blood)

Gretchen (real sweetheart but easy to manipulate. got kicked out of the nest where she grew up)

Dulcinea (6'1 butch slaughterhouse worker who doesn't know what the hell she's doing here. her name isn't even dulcinea)

The Lord of Horikawa (no one likes him)

Raymond (NO ONE LIKES HIM)

Lin Daiyu (huge crybaby, secretly a freak. kinda like sinclair)

Lockwood (i guess we're going to the house i used to rent, that guy was pretty weird, i wonder how he's — oh my god he got worse)

Queequeg (keeping raymond in line by firmly placing her hand on his shoulder whenever he says something she doesn't like. he is pants-shittingly afraid of her. everyone else loves her.)

Sonya (has beef with the lord of horikawa for some reason and won't answer questions about it. still has the mark of cain)

Dante (dante)

Kromer (currently having insane toxic yuri with daiyu)

Telemachus (looking for his mom and finding a whole lot of sickos instead)

Grete (keeps asking if they can kill raymond)

#limbus company #if it's possible i will make kromer/daiyu a thing after canto 8

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thirdsaltyhunter · 1 year ago

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Crawl Home to Her

Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: Dean thinks back on the times he died but found his way home to kiss you

Warning: mentions of death and dying, drinking, talk of alcoholism, cursing, kissing, angst, Dean self hate, takes place in season 10 so spoilers.

A/N: This is inspired by Work Song by Hozier and written in Dean's POV with lyrics acting as Dean's thoughts, lyrics in italics. NOT PROOFREAD ALL MISTAKES ARE MY OWN

Dean's POV

I don't want to get out of bed. I couldn't have woken up more than three minutes ago, but I'm so tired. Though that's been a pretty consistent occurrence for most of my life. I'd have a hard time remembering the last time I woke up feeling rested, and to make it worse, these past few months- few years, have been grueling. Hell, in the past few months I inherited the Mark of Cain, died and came back as a demon; I don't know how much more I can take. I want this to be over, but it's not, it's never over. The Mark still on my arm is a reminder of that. I'm glad I have Y/N, I don't think I could go through all of this alone. She's still with me even after everything. She makes it all worth it.

Boys workin' on empty

Is that the kinda way to face the burning heat?

I just think about my baby

I'm so full of love I could barely eat

As if she could hear me thinking about her she emerged through our bedroom door with a smile that always seems to melt away my worries and two mugs of coffee in hand. That explains why she wasn't lying next to me when I woke up. I release the breath I've been unconsciously holding since waking to find her not beside me. "Good morning my love" she says softly, handing me one of the mugs and sitting next to me on the bed. "Mornin' sweetheart". She cups my face and kisses me, soft and sweet. I kiss her back, with a wanting for something I don't deserve.

There's nothing sweeter than my baby

I'd never want once front he cherry tree

'Cause my baby's sweet as can be.

She give me toothaches just from kissin' me

It's still hard believing that all this is real. I was supposed to be dead. I did die. Yet here I am, waking up another morning, another morning with her. I remember hearing her when I was fading from the stab wound. I heard her begging me to stay with her and it made me fight. Evidently I wasn't strong enough to win the initial struggle against death, but I made it out alive and came home to her. Despite how ugly the road back was.

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I'll crawl home to her

I think back to before we were together, back to when I came back after getting dragged to Hell. I wanted to shut everyone out, even her, and bury myself in a new grave of alcohol and guilt. Sam and Bobby had tried to get me to open up, tried to get me to talk about the literal Hell I had been through, Y/N never did. She somehow always knew when to push and when I needed to be left alone. So many nights I stayed awake, unable to sleep through the waves of guilt. Guilt over what I did in Hell, what I put Sam, Y/N and Bobby through, guilt for leaving them. My mind was so loud these nights, I drank until I blacked out. It was after one of these nights that I had woken up with a killer hangover in the bedroom that she usually slept in at Bobby's. Incomplete glimpses from the night before flashed through my head. Remembering how Y/N had found me in my drunken stupor and hauled me up from my seat at the kitchen table. How she managed to get me up the stairs and into bed by herself is beyond me, but I've learned over the years of knowing her, to not underestimate what she's capable of.

Boys, when my baby found me

I was three days on a drunken sin

I woke with her walls around me

Nothin' in her room but an empty crib

I had drug myself out of bed and wandered downstairs, unconsciously searching for her. I found her curled up asleep on the worn out sofa in the library. A new wave of guilt washed over me. I hadn't even pulled my head out of my ass long enough to ask her how she was, and now she had gone out of her way, given up her bed, so I could be comfortable. I didn't deserve her. That's why I kept my feelings for her to myself for so many years. I moved past her to the kitchen quietly, as to not wake her. I wanted to have a pot of coffee ready for her when she woke up, it was the least I could do. I was going to bring her a cup but she heard me moving around in the kitchen before the pot was even done brewing. "Hey" I saw her rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, her hair disheveled. My heart swelled at how cute I thought she was when she was like this, though I would never tell her that. Not only because I thought it might ruin our friendship, but also because she would probably stab me for calling her cute. "Hey" she responded, voice still thick with sleep. "You want a cup of coffee? ", I asked as I poured a cup for her, already knowing what her answer would be. "Please", she said with a tired smile. That morning over coffee I had told her some of what I went through in Hell, that I had broken and tortured souls. She listened, without judgment, without fear and without asking questions I didn't feel like answering at the moment. The fact the she didn't push me made me comfortable to tell her everything.

And I was burnin' up a fever

I didn't care much how long I live

But I swear I thought I dreamed her

She never asked me once about the wrong I did

And now almost 6 years later, I'm still doing the same thing. I put her through all that again. I made a stupid decision that got me dead but I made it back, only to try and shut her out. But now that we're together I know she's not going to let me do that and I'm too tired and I love her too much to fight her, even though everything in me is telling me to stay away from her. I don't know how she can even look at me let alone still be with me. I tried to kill her and Sam when I was a demon and there's more terrible things I did that she doesn't even know about, though I'm pretty sure she knows and isn't telling me. After her and Sam cured me, I tried to keep her at arms distance, tried to tell her the list of reasons why she shouldn't want me anymore. How could anyone forgive me after everything I did. But she took me into her arms and kept telling me it wasn't really me, that her and Sam still love me and all that matters is that she has me back.

My baby never fret none

About what my hands and my body done

If the Lord dont forgive me

I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me

She spent all of last night kissing away my pain. I want to take away her pain too. I set my coffee on the nightstand and reach over to take her cup too, setting it beside mine. "What'cha doin'" she looked confused until I turned back, grabbing her and pulling her to lay with me. "Fixing it", I whispered, knowing it wasn't an answer that made sense, but I was going to kiss her until it fixed her broken heart. I moved to hover over her and just looked at her, holding her face in my hands. Even in the low light of the early morning, she's still breathtakingly gorgeous. She pulls me down to kiss her and I get the feeling she knows what I'm trying to do. I pour everything I'm feeling into kissing her, how sorry I am for leaving her, for all the heartache it caused her. I don't think I'll ever erase from my mind, the sound of her crying as I was dying. The memory has me blinking back tears. I turn to hide my face in her neck and trail kisses along her shoulder. Her arms wrap around my back and I can't help but melt into her, breathing in the scent of her perfume. The weight is off my shoulders for once, I can breathe easier, and nothing matters outside of us.

When I was kissing on my baby

And she put her love down soft and sweet

In the low lamplight I was free

Heaven and Hell were words to me

It's moments like these that make me fight so hard. Fight to be better, do better. Fight for her and fight to stay with her. I roll over onto my back, pulling her with me to lay her head on my chest. "I promise that no matter what happens I'll alway find a way back to you". It was a promise I was making to myself as much as it was to her, and I intended to keep it.

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I'll crawl home to her

#dean winchester x reader #dean winchester #dean winchester fanfiction #supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #spn fanfiction #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfic #dean winchester fanfic #dean winchester fic #dean winchester fluff #dean x reader #spn #dean winchester x you #dean winchester x female!reader #dean x you #dean x y/n

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clemblog · 6 months ago

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Caine’s Lesson - Part 17

•

Gummigoo and Pomni now found themselves stood outside what looked to be a giant temple. It was crafted with large well placed stones and was pretty tall. Around the area was several smaller buildings made from a mixture of stones and leaves. It looked to be some kind of small village.

“Oh! Gummi, look!” Smiled Pomni, softly, pointing to some small NPC’s made from what looked to be mostly fruits and other agricultural items.

“They’re kinda cute-“ Mused Gummigoo, following her gaze.

But then said NPC’s noticed the two of them. A horrible hissing erupted from the tiny creatures.

“Oh not cute- Not cute- Not cute-“

“Definitely not-“

“Go go go go go go-“

“I’m going-“

The two ran up the steps of temple, gaining in speed at the little gremlin like fruit creatures began to arm themselves with spears, darts and bows and arrows to throw at the two.

They made it to the top of the temple, breathing heavy as the route inside the temple was a straight drop. No stairs. No ropes. No vines. No ladders. Just a straight drop into what looked like pure darkness.

“D-Do we jump?” Asked Pomni.

“I don’t think we have a choice-“ Replied Gummigoo, pulling Pomni to his side as another onslaught of arrows and other weapons flew up at the pair.

The two jumped down and luckily there was a soft landing of leaves and several animal pelts at the bottom. Pomni took a moment to breathe, turning to check on Gummigoo as he climbed out of the padded landing zone.

“Oh my gosh- Gummigoo- Are you alright?!” Panicked Pomni, seeing around four or five arrows sticking out from his back.

“Oh right- I’m sure it’ll be alright Poms-“

“Nono, sit down! I’ll find something-“

“Hey-“

“Sit. Down.”

“…Alright-“

Gummigoo sat down, cheeks a little flushed at Pomni’s insistence to care for him when he’d gotten injured. She came back a few moments later with a sharp looking rock and a little vial of water. The pile of items the pair had landed on looked to be offerings of some kind. Whether that be to their ancestors, the temple or some kind of god, the pair weren’t sure.

Pomni just wanted to make sure Gummigoo would be alright though.

“Can you lie back?”

“Yeah-“

“Alright, I got this rock to cut up some of these pelts and the water to clean out the wounds. Hopefully, that’ll suffice since we don’t have any syrup here.”

“I don’t see why it wouldn’t work-“

“Okay, just hold still.”

The two fell into a comfortable silence as Pomni gently removed the items from Gummigoo’s back, one by one and cleaning them up with another pelt and the little vial of water. She hoped that the sooner they left this adventure, that whatever wacky magic or coding Caine used would heal Gummigoo of his injuries permanently! Or until they made it back to the Croco Ranch, that way she’d be able to help him apply syrup and he’d be able to heal properly!

Gummigoo was a little flustered right now, but he was perfectly happy to be cared for by his Pommy. She was so gentle, that he couldn’t help but start to drift off to sleep. Pomni was so focused on caring for him, she didn’t notice.

“Gummigoo-“ She glanced up and saw him contently asleep.

Oh. That was sweet-

She smiled fondly at the sight, snickering gently at his content little face. Truth be told, she hadn’t realised how tired she was until this very moment. She didn’t need to sleep, so she’d happily cuddle into Gummigoo and watch over him as he got the rest he very much deserved.

Gummigoo began to stir awake after a few hours, the sun beginning to set as the sunlight at the entrance of the temple began to dim.

“Ugh… Poms?”

“Hey! You uh took a nap but I got you all fixed up, so we can make our way outta here when you’re ready.”

“Lucky me, got a sweetheart like you for an adventuring partner, huh?”

“Oh quiet, I know you’d do the same for me in any circumstance that was similar.”

“Guess that makes us both sweet then~”

Pomni rolled her eyes fondly at this.

“Come on, let’s kick this temples [—-] and we can get outta here.” She hummed happily, helping Gummigoo to his feet.

The two walked into the temple, watching in awe as the setting sun made glowing markings appear on the walls. It was oddly beautiful and was leading them to the exit. Not that they knew that yet.

“It’s so pretty in here.” Murmured Gummigoo, softly with a fond glance in Pomni’s direction.

“It is. Reminds me of the night sky.” Nodded Pomni, in agreement, inadvertently twirling around whilst she walked as she took in all the sights.

Gummigoo snickered fondly at this, taking her hand firmly in his to stop her from bumping into something and hurting herself.

She flushed at this softly, giving his hand a content squeeze. The pair fell back onto a content silence, continuing the rest of the journey hand in hand.

They found a small little exit in the crack of one of the further walls, the pair squeezing out of it to return to the jungle where they met a beautiful night sky clear of any clouds.

“I think it’s even prettier out here.” Smiled Pomni, softly.

Gummigoo nodded in agreement, thinking something over for a few moments.

“The moon is beautiful tonight, isn’t it?”

Pomni glanced over to him with a soft smile, and nod. “It is.”

He leaned over and took her hand again at this.

“Pommy?”

“Yeah?”

“What are we…?”

Pomni was quiet at this for a few moments before replying.

“Best friends. Soon to be lovers. When all this stupid adventure stuff is over.”

Gummigoo smiled to himself at this.

“I see. I don’t know if I can wait that long~”

Pomni rolled her eyes at this softly with a chuckle. “Are you implying you want to kiss me, Mr Gummigoo?”

“It’ll tide me over~”

“Right, right.”

Pomni moved over to his side, leaning into him. He cupped the side of her face at this, leaning down to be more on her level. The two shared a brief sweet kiss on the lips, then getting pulled off to their next adventure, a fracture hidden under the bed of leaves they’d been sitting on together.

Part 18

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candy-red-river · 1 year ago

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My thoughts on the amazing digital circus

its kinda "meh". Not bad by any means and good enough for me to watch later episodes but it's portrayal of mental/psychological horror is pretty shallow.

Ohhhh noooo, character that we haven't gotten to know before they entered is stuck in a McDonald's play place while all of their needs are met, whatever shall we doooooo!!!!!

Like there's no other threat than obstruction which is pretty easy to avoid since there isn't any obvious thing that would make them go crazy in the first place (besides jax) and how the "crazy" characters are portrayed doesn't seem crazy at all, not realistically or even cartoony.

There's not much to be negative about and I wish that either the environment was more dangerous or the characters start out more happy but get messed up later as the system falls apart.

I kinda like the humor (nothing with jax) and it was better than what I thought. I like the idea of ai generated and digital horror and I think the writers should lean more into that.

I like the aesthetics but sometimes their a bit too same-y or unparticular for me to feel for them.

When the teaser came out I honestly had no interest due to the character design. I've watched other gooseworx stuff and compared to tadc I prefer the character design a lot more. I think it's caine, ragatha, and pomni that didn't really do much for me.

They don't look very distinct design wise but their animation is REALLY expressive and I wish their designs fit both their personalities as well as variations of the toys that inspired them. A lot of kids stuff had patches, spots and swirls on them but it's probably too late for me to suggest design stuff.

Anyways here's my thoughts on the characters:

Jax: my least favorite, is an asshole for no reason in a supposed "dire" situation. I have to deal with and avoid these kinds of disrespect and needlessly rude people irl constantly. He has 0 redeeming qualities that make him funny or loveable besides his design.

I'd like to see him a bit more unhinged or nonchalant about what he does, but that's just how I personally like mean spirited humor.

gangle: a bit forgettable but a sweetheart overall, maybe a bit more mood shifts or dramaticness needed. As for her design (hypothetical I know it won't be changed this late into production) I'd like to see a bit more detail, as pocelain dolls, old Greek play masks, and even masquerades had more detail. Doesn't need to be too complicated. Maybe black ribbon as well?

Zooble: the best character and is just done with everything. I feel like I'd like Jax more if their traits were mix but this isn't about him.

I like her design especially because of the variety of shapes and colors.

Pomni: her personality is anxiety. That's it. I think her design is pretty meh as she doesn't resemble Jack in the box jesters or even toy jesters you see for sale. No makeup, no funny nose, even her costume seems kinda empty, and the patterns kinda blur together.

I don't get why people simp for her so much.

ragatha: also not too interesting. I kinda like her personality but her gestures feel hallow as well. If there's nothing bad going on she'd probably just be normal happy instead of fake happy or maybe even concerned for her abstracted friends, but the lack of a threat (other than abstraction) makes her backhanded feel weird and unneeded, like is she trying to make people paranoid????

Also she looks really plasticy. I know that it's supposed to take place in a video game but I feel like she'd at least have more textures to indicate what she is. I'd also recommend adding some flowers or more soft items for her, since it'd compliment her personality more.

Kinger: best boi but I feel like there could be more done with him. He just seems like a normal guy with ADHD and anxiety rather than someone who's gone through so much that he's lost himself or a cartoonist crazy person. But honestly that's not much of a problem for me, the surprise was a welcome one.

His design is neat and is something that I haven't seen done before.

Caine: I like that he's not obviously sinister and is just a confused robot trying to meet the needs of the players but fails in one way or another. I kinda wish he gave of more of the blank vibes(??) Of being a robot and that his design maybe had some different colors or even was a different kind of suit/outfit but overall he's pretty good.

Bubble: the the the they the the the the thetyetgeht the the the

Wawawawawwa wa wawawawawwa aw

Overall I'd give this show a 6/10 or a 7/10, not too bad but more could be done.

#tadc #the amazing digital circus #kinger #Jax #Pomni #Ragatha #Gangle #Caine #Goosworx #Critique

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thewordworrier · 1 year ago

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You Conjure Up A Fiction

[To Get The Pretty Girl To Listen] Word Count: 3,670 ish. Notes: ~ Title from - “Modern Day Cain” by I Don’t Know How But They Found Me ~ Established relationship. ~ I thinkkkkk I consider this canon, for Shelly, for the most part. You could have this situation play out during any era but... I’m happy with it here.

~~~ [Setting: The Black Parade era - possibly during the tour, before ProRev? After Shelly and Gerard have made their relationship public, that’s for certain.] The band were settled on their tour bus, making their way to the next destination. Everyone was minding their own business and just doing their own thing to pass the time - the bus trips between locations were often long ones, despite Shelly’s attempts to plan the shortest routes as she could manage. She tried, but sometimes it just wasn’t always possible. But she always managed to plan for enough rest-stops so that everyone (the driver included) got a chance to stretch their legs or grab different snacks to what she kept the bus (or her bag) stocked with. Shelly was sitting next to Gerard in the booth, leaning her head on his non-dominant arm. He was drawing while the others played on the games console set up at the other end of the bus. Every so often she would look up at them when they got a little over excited, and she’d giggle softly. She’d also do that whenever Gerard paused in what he was doing to drop a kiss to the top of her head - he would actually do that fairly often because he was worried that he was neglecting her. (He wasn’t, but he worried, although he had a feeling that Shelly would never let him get away with doing that anyway.) The next time he paused to kiss the top of her head, she hummed happily and tilted her face up to kiss whatever she could reach, giggling softly. “Hi,” he whispered. “Hi.” “You alright?” He watched her nod. “You sure?” “I think so, the bus is making me a little sleepy though,” she watched him put his pencil down before feeling him wrap his arms around her. “Mm.” “Why don’t you go and have a nap then?” Gerard suggested. “We’ve still got a little while to go before the next rest stop, right?” Shelly groped for her phone that she’d left on the table in front of them so she could check the time. She squinted at the screen for a moment before she had to sit up, unlock the device and swipe through a few apps. “Yeah,” she said after a few moments. “We’ve got a little while.” “Then go and take a nap,” Gerard repeated gently. “No one will blame you sweetheart.” “I don’t want to mess with my sleep schedule too much,” Shelly admitted as she poked at her phone. “If I nap too much I’ll end up doing that.” “But if you’re tired, it’s not going to hurt you too much,” Gerard said, protesting a little bit. “If it’s going to make you feel better, then you’ll work better, right?” She looked up at him and raised an eyebrow, making him grin in response. He kinda knew that last bit would ‘get’ her - she could be so critical of herself regarding her job, despite the fact that she never needed to be. She always did a good job looking after them. He always thought that she could work a little less and she’d still do a good job. “Gerard, don’t go for my glowing weak spot like that, you know it’s not fair.” Shelly pouted at him a little until he leant forward to kiss it away. “You know I’m right though,” he said softly, pulling her close and feeling her snuggle against him. “You should go and nap.” “Mm, I’ll be alright in a minute, I’m just gonna snuggle with you for a little bit though…” Gerard smiled and kissed the top of her head. “Well, I’m not going to argue with that.” “Blehhh!” Frank had walked to the fridge near them to grab a drink while Ray and Mikey kept playing. “Get a room!” Gerard stuck his tongue out at the shorter man. “You’re just jealous.” Frank snorted. “Shelly, honey?” She glanced up at him and raised an eyebrow. “If he doesn’t treat you right,” Frank paused and grinned. “In any way, shape or form -” Shelly rolled her eyes. “Come and find me, yeah?” He winked at her. “Oh, give over,” Shelly muttered. “I’m happy, Frankie.” “My door’s always open, gorgeous.” Gerard frowned at the laughing guitarist. “Frank, you are married!” He turned around and grinned at the vocalist. “Shelly’s my exception, you know that.” Gerard scowled before he glanced down at the blonde when she giggled. “Shell?” She shook her head and leant up to kiss him gently. “You’ve nothing to worry about darling. I’ve only got eyes for you.” “Blegh!” Chorused the other three. Gerard blushed and Shelly laughed softly before leaning against the bus instead of his arm (he picked up on this and pouted ever so slightly). He watched her settle comfortably before she started scrolling through her phone. Every so often she would stop and write some notes in her organiser that was on the table in front of her, but other than that, she seemed to get lost in whatever it was she was doing. It made Gerard smile, actually, because she was so cute when she was concentrating. He only watched her for a little bit longer before going back to doodling in his sketchbook. She was still glued to her phone later on when Frank settled himself in the booth seating opposite her and Gerard. The vocalist had put his pencils down not too long before this and was soon in quiet conversation with Frank, who was keeping half an eye on their tiny tour manager. Frank found himself getting more and more amused as Shelly’s facial expressions changed as she read… Whatever it was she was reading. Her eyes widened at first before she settled back in her seat, tucked some hair behind her ear and refocused on her phone. Not too long later her cheeks started to get pinker and pinker. “Hey, Shell, what’s making you blush like that?” She jumped, almost dropped her phone and muttered something under her breath before turning back to Frank. “What?” He grinned slightly. “You’re blushing. What’ve you seen?” Shelly just blushed redder at being called out, sinking into the corner a bit more as Gerard tilted his head at her in question. She squeaked a little and held her phone screen closer to her chest. “Um…” Frank’s eyes widened in delight. “You’ve seen something rude!” Gerard looked from Frank to his girlfriend and blinked rapidly. “Shell?” “Have you seen fan art?” Frank asked, his smile getting wider. “Oh! Oh! Have you discovered any of the fan-fiction?” Mikey and Ray joined them; Mikey sitting next to Frank and Ray leaning against the counter opposite. “Why are we talking about that?” Mikey asked, looking confused. “I think Shelly’s been reading it.” “I have not!” She protested quickly. “I mean, I know about it, I know it exists and I’ve seen some of it. I haven’t read any of the stuff involving you guys.” “Not involving us, huh?” Frank was practically grinning now. The blonde shook her head and sighed, her face bright pink. Gerard almost cooed at how cute she looked before taking her hand between them on the seat. “Does that mean there’s other fan-fiction you’ve been reading?” “Oh, leave her alone Frank,” Ray shook his head. “No! I wanna know what’s making her blush so much!” Shelly cleared her throat, her voice a little higher pitched when she spoke. “There’s, um, there’s actually some about me.” The guys shared a look before looking back at her. “Does it involve you and my brother?” Mikey asked, his nose wrinkling a little. “No, well…” She shook her head. “Yes, there is some of that, but there’s some other stuff,” she glanced back down at her phone, squeezing Gerard’s hand with her other one. “Oh?” Frank leant on the table between them. “Like what?” Shelly pocketed her phone and gently scratched her still pink cheek. “There’s some… I think they call it ‘Reader insert fiction’ that involves me and female fans.” “Oh, I bet there is!” Frank leant back against the back of the booth seating. “You’re hot, I bet everyone wants a piece of you.” “Frank, c’mon, she’s not a piece of meat,” Mikey elbowed him. “Oh, no Mikey, it’s okay. I’d rather that people were writing softcore porn about me than writing stuff about hurting me or breaking me and Gee up or something.” Shelly shrugged a little. “It’s a nice change from the hate Tweets.” “Is that what you were reading?” Gerard asked quietly, more curious than anything. “The, uh, first thing, not the Tweets.” “I bet it was,” Frank couldn’t help but notice the small smile that Shelly tried to hide. “Look at her, she’s smiling!” “It doesn’t bother you?” Ray asked, watching her shake her head. “No, not really. Not those ones,” Shelly replied before looking a little sheepish and focusing on the table too much. “I… Uh, I think some of those ones were decently written actually.” Frank practically giggled and Gerard just tilted his head curiously. “I…” Shelly let out a soft ‘huh’ before shaking her head and rubbing the back of her neck. “Reminds me of an ex-girlfriend or two.” There was a soft spluttering from the few who had decided that it had been safe to take drinks from their bottles of water, and Shelly giggled quietly. “Fuck,” Frank cleared his throat. “I forget that you play for both teams.” “No you don’t,” Gerard muttered, pulling Shelly close to him, almost possessively. “You don’t forget at all.” Shelly shook her head, leaning up to kiss Gerard’s cheek. “Don’t worry yourself honey, you're the best man I’ve ever dated.” Gerard smiled at her and looked pretty happy with that statement. Ray shook his head at the antics and decided to go back to the games console, Mikey soon joining him - not wanting to deal with his brother being all mushy. Frank stayed for a little longer before he eventually went to join them, leaving Shelly and Gerard sitting alone again. “Do you mean it?” Gerard asked her, so quietly she almost didn’t hear it. Shelly looked up at him before tucking some of her hair behind her ear. “Of course I do. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.” He hummed for a moment before moving out of the seat. He stood up, grabbed her hand and helped her to her feet too. Shelly raised an eyebrow at him before following him back to the bunks. He gestured for her to get in first, and waited for her to get comfortable before he got in beside her, pulling the curtain closed behind him. “Gee? What are -” she squeaked as he pulled her close. “Hey, are you okay?” He nodded, burying his nose in her hair, holding her tightly. “Mm hm.” Shelly thought about it for a moment. “Are you sure? Are you maybe a little jealous?” Gerard stayed silent for a few minutes before nodding once, deciding to be honest. “A little.” “What about?” Shelly managed to shuffle so he could snuggle against her, which he did; she could feel him against her neck. “I… I’m not sure, but I feel jealous and protective.” “Well,” the blonde ran her fingers through his shorter, platinum hair. “You don’t have anything to be jealous about. I mean it when I say that you’re the best guy I’ve ever dated. And just because I’m bisexual doesn’t mean I’m not loyal.” Gerard pulled back quickly, his eyes wide and a look of horror on his face. “Shelly, I would never accuse you of being anything other than loyal!” She closed the gap to kiss him, smiling against his lips when she felt him relax. “I know,” she whispered. “But some people have this… Wrong impression about us bisexual people. Just because we’re attracted to more people, doesn’t mean that we’re more likely to cheat.” “I know,” Gerard mumbled, pulling her close again. “I don’t think it’s in your nature to do something like that.” “It’s not,” Shelly nodded, kissing whatever skin she could reach, getting near his jaw. “Gee, I adore you, I’d never hurt you like that.” The vocalist swallowed down half a soft whine and buried his nose in her hair again. The other half of the whine reached her ears and she cooed softly to him. “To be honest,” she continued quietly before resting her cheek against his head. “I think that this is the best relationship I’ve been in, full stop, you know? I feel so different with you. Everything is different with you.” “Different?” Gerard moved so he could see her face, ending up leaning over her as much as the bunks would let him. “In a… Good way?” Shelly nodded quickly. “Yes. Absolutely.” His grip on her waist tightened and he kissed her hard. She squeaked quietly before she cupped his cheek, stroking the skin with her thumb and attempting to soften the kiss, instead of leaving it rough and… Almost needy. Which was the direction the singer seemed to be trying to take it in. “Hey,” she whispered, gently placing her hands over his. “Hey, behave yourself.” Gerard pouted at her a little. “But -” “We are,” she said quietly. “On the bus, in the bunks. Not in a hotel room. Behave yourself.” “Hmm.” Shelly sighed and shifted under him before cupping his face in both of her hands. “Hey, listen to me, okay?” Gerard nodded, enjoying the feeling of her hands on his face. “You… Have nothing to worry about, okay?” Her thumbs stroked small circles on his cheeks. “No one is going to tempt me away from you - no other man nor any woman could do that.” He blinked rapidly down at her. “I’m not going to cheat on you, I’m not going anywhere.” He let out a soft sigh and watched as she hooked a finger into the neckline of his t-shirt. “Ma’am?” Shelly giggled softly and gently tugged him down by his t-shirt, just enough for her to rest her forehead against his. “I love you, you fool,” she whispered. “I’m not going anywhere with anyone else. I don’t want anyone else.” “Are you sure?” He brushed the tip of his nose against hers. “Positive.” “You didn’t even think about it.” “Don’t need to,” Shelly shook her head slightly. Gerard almost melted against her, and leant down to kiss her. He hummed happily when she let go of the neckline of his t-shirt, moving her fingers to brush through his hair, as best as she could when it was this new, shorter length anyway. The shortness did, however, mean that he felt her fingertips against the outer rim of his ears or against the back of his neck much more often though. Those touches sent delicious shivers down his spine and made him press his whole body against hers more. Shelly felt that, and heard him let out a soft whine against her lips as she stroked the back of his neck. The whine made her giggle softly and he broke away from her, a slight pout on his pretty face. “Why are you laughing at me?” “Oh baby,” she cooed softly. “I’m not. You know I like it when you whine.” “Hmn…” “I like it when you vocalise,” Shelly said before she pulled him down to whisper in his ear. “I like it even more in the bedroom but, you know that.” “Damn it Shelly,” he almost growled, burying his face in her neck as she giggled again. “You can’t just say stuff like that…” “Yes I can, and you enjoy it.” He hummed, settling beside her but yet still holding her tightly, his face still nestled into her neck. Although him wanting to stay like that meant that he was more half on top of her than just lying beside her. Not that Shelly minded - she liked the slight weight on her because she found it comforting, actually. Plus, she liked it when he got snuggly. She liked to encourage him to do so, because he was an affectionate person, he just got nervous about it sometimes. Shelly hummed to him as they snuggled together for a little bit. She knew he wasn’t asleep because his breathing hadn’t changed. That and he kept drawing shapes on her top, or her skin - whatever he could reach at first, and then whatever got him a reaction from her. Even if it was just a little reaction like her shifting in her spot. Normally that meant that she shifted closer to him, and he would never complain about that. “Shell?” “Mm?” Gerard shifted to lean against her shoulder and a smile spread across his face as she wrapped her arms around him and kissed the top of his head. He hummed happily and took a moment to figure out how to word what he wanted to ask. “What is it, love?” Shelly asked gently. He stayed quiet for another minute before he cleared his throat. “Um, so, those fanfics?” Shelly raised an eyebrow but grinned into his hair. “Oh? Which ones?” “The ones about you.” “Oh?” She had to bite her bottom lip to stop herself from giggling. “The ones involving me and other women?” Gerard lifted his head to look at her. “Are you saying there’s some involving you and other men?” “Um, a few, yeah…” He looked less than impressed. “Who?” “Well,” she shuffled a bit under him. “There’s obviously stuff about us.” “Hmmm,” he leant his head back against her again. “I’m not sure how I feel about that. Have you read any of those?” “Uh, no, not those ones,” Shelly shook her head. “I’ve read the summaries, but haven’t been… Brave enough to actually read the contents.” Gerard nodded and sought out one of her hands to hold - lacing their fingers together. She watched this with a smile before she continued. “So there’s those, the ones with me and female fans. There’s some with, ah, me and Frank.” He huffed and she felt it more than she heard it. She clicked her tongue before shifting onto her side - the movement gave him a faceful of her chest and allowed her to pull him closer as she tangled their legs together. “I’m gonna say it again,” she said into his hair. “I love you Gerard, not anyone else.” “But you’re quite flirty with Frank,” Gerard mumbled against her chest. “You two would be good together.” “Oh hush. Frank loves Jamia. They’re meant to be together.” He hummed against her skin, gripping her tighter. “The first thing he did when he met you was hit on you.” “He technically bumped into me, apologised to me and then ogled my chest,” Shelly giggled quietly, and then a little louder when Gerard huffed again. “And then he hit on you.” “I know,” Shelly grinned a little at the grumbling she could hear. “I remember. But, it’s you I’m here with right now Gee, not him.” Gerard made a soft “hmm” noise and felt her kiss the top of his head. “Have you read any of those?” “Nope,” she shook her head even though he couldn’t see it - although she guessed that he might feel it. “I haven’t read the threesome fics either.” He moved back enough to look at her. “Threesome?” “Mm hm,” Shelly hummed, a faint blush appearing on her cheeks. She was prompted to continue by Gerard arching an eyebrow at her. “You, me and Frankie.” The singer gripped her waist even tighter and Shelly had to bite her bottom lip. “No,” he grumbled. “Not sharing.” “Babe, you don’t have to,” she wrapped her arms around him tighter. “You don’t have to.” Gerard buried his face against her neck and nuzzled the skin for a few minutes, inhaling the mixture of her perfume and the way she smelt naturally. “I…” He swallowed. “Are there others?” “I don’t know for certain,” she admitted. “Probably, but I didn’t look any further. And I only read some of the ones involving me and other women, I promise.” “I believe you,” he whispered. They both fell silent for some time, and at first Shelly thought that Gerard might’ve dozed off. Until he spoke again, so quietly she almost missed it, and if he hadn’t had his face buried against her neck and chest, she wouldn’t’ve have felt him talking. “Were they hot?” “The ones I read?” She felt him nod and thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, actually, they were.” He hummed, shifted a little and pressed a kiss or two to her neck. “Enough to get you going?” Shelly tutted playfully as he kissed from higher up on her neck to a particular spot she favoured a little lower down. “Hmn, I don’t know, I’d have to read them again.” Gerard smiled against her skin and grazed his teeth over the flesh - she felt both of those actions and he knew it because she sighed softly. “Gee,” she said, a little breathily. “Not on the bus.” “Not that you’re making any effort to get me to stop…” “Shush,” she tried to shift away from him without falling out of the bunk. He laughed quietly before taking pity on her and letting her snuggle against him. “Maybe when we get some privacy, you can re-read those. Maybe show them to me?” “Hmm. Maybe. Or,” she glanced up at him. “Or maybe I can show you the others.” “You just want me to get possessive,” he kissed the top of her head. “I know what you’re up to.” Shelly snorted before giggling. “Oh yeah, like you’re gonna pass up an excuse to fuck me into the mattress.” “Ma’am,” Gerard’s voice was almost a low growl now. “Behave yourself.” He was met with the most innocent expression Shelly could manage, but he could tell that she was trying so hard to fight back a smile. “I’ll behave,” she said before lowering her voice. “Until we next get to a lockable room anyway.”

#She Speaks #She Writes #my fanfic #Gerard Way x OC #Gerard Way x FOC

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