#CYCLES CYCLES CYCLES CYCLES CYCLES CYCLES I AM INSANE AND FREE

[seaf00d-hater]

I drew my arya with @ro-bee 's golf aria

The angry little worm in my head is saying this is ugly which is why I'm posting it now and finishing it just because

I love the way i drew the second one tho I'm proud of it and patting my back mentally for it

[the--days]

so it's like this.

you're young and you're scared and you're trapped in the feywild (happens to the best of us) with the love of your life. You're a half-elf and she's a fullblooded elf but you don't think about it very much because you're barely surviving day to day. And you get offered a deal to get yourself home again, and you take it. And the price of your freedom is that you leave her still trapped there, alone.

And then five years pass. And you age a century in that time, and you grow, and you change, and you find her again, and you're still in love, and you meet people, and you lose people, and you love them too, and you learn, and you start wanting a future again, and caring again, taking care of yourself, taking care of other people--

and after all of that, at the end of things, you find out the man responsible for all of the misery in your short, sad life has cast a spell which gives him complete control and ownership of you- mind, body, and soul (again. this happens to the best of us). And you are given the choice to stay under his thrall, and live a thousand years-- or to age and die, like humans do, and to be free of him.

And the love of your life is there, and you're married now, and she's still a full blooded elf, and you're still a half-elf, and you think about what that means a lot more than you used to.

And still, after everything you've learned-- you choose your freedom. You choose leaving her behind.

[sheeezu]

Shifting proof, you're not wasting your time.

"My beloved, the distances between us have been erased, I am here, I am here."

(If anyone is able to guess which song lyric I translated here I will love you for all my existence)

If you're doubting shifting, then read this:

Let's dive into your mind. Most importantly, into your dreams.

Have you ever realised why you dream? Dreams are just for your subconscious mind to reherse your current reality, in practice all its doing is to ensure you don't fall out of your reality.

No matter how insane of a dream you're having, it has some resemblance with the life you are currently leading. Have you ever tried to figure out just how weird the whole concept of dreams are? For example, it's common knowledge to everyone, even antishifters, that lucid dreams are a thing. Meaning you can literally play around in your mind. When you sleep, do you realise the passage of time? Sometimes your sleep stretches on for long and you don't realise you've slept that much, sometimes, dream cover a lot within a short cycle of sleep. So what proof of time could you possibly present to yourself during your hours of slumbers, where is this clock that's supposed to dictate your life?

Sometimes you don't even dream, although unconscious processes are going on in your human brain, but where are you? In the void, you're floating around somewhere in the void, without any care of your reality for once, this is called your common consciousness, or just the void state.

Whenever you wake up from a deep sleep, you feel disoriented and confused, you hear conversations and imagine things which didn't happen, there is no literal proof that these happenings are just caused by general grogginess. This confusion is your consciousness readjusting to the reality you're in.

Let's discuss what all of this science and physics is. It's essentially just a method your consciousness put up in order for you to not fall out of reality, and to not have to face thanos out of nowhere, therefore logic exists.

We are from our roots just souls floating around in nothingness, we're souls capable of creation of anything by thoughts, will, and energy. We need a medium for suitable existence, for all of the people existing alongside us, what we have in common is that our consciousness has chose a similar mode of existence for us, which is by living as human beings on this livable spherical ball, where we accept the principles of luck.

Why does a system of being ridiculed by your environment and people around you and the formation of unwanted doubts exist whenever you claim something "impossible" by human terms, for example, if you assumed and started claiming the sun rising from the opposite direction as the truth, that's going to become your base since you are creating reality, therefore you will break reality and to prevent it you yourself once put these limitations, just like how you script your DRs.

But once you realise the fact that all along this organised way of existence was put up by you in order to excite your consciousness by going through these experiences, you'll realise shifting realities, manifesting, or just going back to floating as a soul in the void is a known principle for you and easy, and you don't have to struggle to gain it, you've been doing it all your existence, then you'll shift on command.

Reality is just like a dough, which you have been molding and adjusting it accordingly.

Shape that dough into your DR

It's you. It's always been you, you've been the main provider and controller, you've just temporarily gone to existing in the form of a human vessel, breaking free is nothing difficult.

Anyways, belief in this is all you need to shift, it's freaking easy even if it's just you going to your DR to get railed. "But doubts-!!" Shush. If doubts are able to stop a process for you, you could also utilise them in a way which benefit you, from this moment do a complete uno reverse card on your doubts, you used to doubts your manifestations, go ahead and start doubting your existence being anything but perfect.

"I don't think I can be a common human being weeping over mere earthly problems, all ill ever be is a master manifestor who could do whatever I want."

...

I finished this draft at 5:55.

Now that I think about it shifting using doubts could be pretty neat, but I still have another 2 methods bending from the poll, so that's on my pending list I guess.

This entire post was a rant from my side so if there is anything confusing or out of place, just ask. Ask away until your little heart is satisfied and then go shift because what are you doing here when you could just go study at hogwarts where the stairs try to put you in your grave.

...

[ayayayayaz]

HSR 3.3 spoilers~

---

This actually makes me so ill. Ok this is very leak-free so if I accidentally get something right, it is totally accidental, I have no idea about any form of leaks. Please don't confirm or deny based on them.

The fact that phainon SAYS this actually kills me because of Mydei's death in the end. I mean, I think it's fairly obvious that the Flamereaver (FR) is supposed to be a past version(s) of Phainon from previous cycles/eras of Amphoreus before. And said FR is extremely eroded in terms of speech and probably sanity based on his limited conversation with some of the Chrysos Heirs. But the FACT THAT he remembered Mydei's weak spot exactly, and struck there is SO SO insane because of this sentence that Phainon said. Even with a withered sanity and a crumbling mind, Phainon cannot forget Mydei. And his weak spots. I am so ill. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

My fic is going to SUFFER because of this.

[demdems]

Blowing myself up and everyone else in the room

If i let myself add anymore panels from this weeks chapter I'm just gonna upload the whole thing im literally gonna melt into nothing oh my god i need to read the new mafia if chapter oh my god

Was typing but realized I'm going too much, more brain blast under cut

what if you Loved someones, what if the love in ur heart was enough to know that it transcends the need to always be together, what if you love ur favorite people enough to know you can watch them from afar knowing you'll eventually come back together

what if you realised that you can still love urself and the good you can have w urself and the good u have when with others

separation makes the heart grow fonder!! what if you love enough to know the time apart is still a gift!!

This arc is insane and it's like, so vital to clara's character + love trio development + mairuma's themes overall

I am being turned into concrete holy oh my god [also this is now my analysis sorry if I'm speaking straight nonsense]

Clara's always like, been the foundation of the love trio, at the very least she's to be credited for establishing how the trio defines themselves to each other [to outsiders theyre defined by one member [iruma] since they're called the iruma army, very cute but I'm making distinctions between how that and the love trio name does different for them]

The title iruma's army hinges on clara and azz's devotion to iruma as seen thru the outside perspective and it also makes them kinda, like a love angle, as its how they are connected to iruma but not each other specifically

Love trio is clara's way to define how each of them in the trio are interconnected thru their love for each other [the phrase love trio also focuses on them as a trio, putting them on a more even dynamic with each other]

Side tangent sorry I'm sitting here writing this post almost immediately after reading the chapter, i think love trio encompasses some the fundamentals of demonhood [greed, power, control] as reflected in their evil cycles, my third eye is open, irumas evil cycle was greed [and his character growth is him learning and tapping into these demonic indulgences that're frowned upon in human society] as he wanted more for the misfits which can be seen as greedy as it's asking for more than the class is allowed, azz's is power as training lets him enter his evil cycle to have more unchecked power in combat, clara's is control as her worries and insecurities drove her to store away iruma and azz to keep them with her under her care forever

I digress tho i haven't even gotten into like 30% of my illness about the love trio

This arc really dove into clara's character as, shes been kinda been kept in the dark when it comes to, what she actually may be thinking, like id argue it's intentional that clara hasn't been really given free range to be entirely herself in a way that doesn't outwardly make others uncomfortable

Clara was so, unabashedly herself, but the story didn't punish her for that, it's just that through azz And iruma [even if he very much threw water on a grease fire omg], she learns that she Can feel these things both good and awful, and that one, theyll love her anyways [good point that iruma made, horrible time to express it] but two, that it doesn't mean she should bury these worries within herself and instead of this domineering control over the ones she cares about when expressing her most primal fears, the bad stuff needs to get recognized first and that she needs to let others in to express that

or yk in easy terms, iruma's way was "I'll love you even with the bad" and azz's way was "this is all the bad but I'll love you", basically an inverse approach in how they talked down clara [if im making sense who knows]

I hope that we do get to see iruma and azz make good on indulging clara's wishes to go like, swamp lol, weird girl central, after exams in the extras or [indulging the kinda greed youll see in the bible] in an entire chapter I'm not asking for much,,,

Im getting distracted but the start and end chapters for this arc have the same name, Coming full circle, the arc starts w clara's concern about staying behind in make up classes and not spending end of term w iruma and azz and it ends w her being reassured that pass or fail in make up classes or end of term fun, they still together and love each other and it'll be fine no matter what

Also this is the first time iruma and azz have been shown to be visibly attached to clara as the center, seen in the first few pages [what comes to mind is the times azzclara stuck to irumas sides and the few times i think iruclara did the same to azz], just wanna mention bc they're so cute I'm disintegrating into nothing

The chapter also ending w the little tease of clara's hair sticking up in the same way as in her evil cycle state, my illness

I think this represents a few things but largely what i think is important to herself + the love trio, i think it's representative of how she will keep some of how she was in her evil cycle just more tempered, base/non evil cycle clara is already in touch w love for iruma and azz it was just put on the extreme, i think going forward she'll now just, be more in touch w the different like, aspects of her insecurities, like expressing the bad thoughts she stores away to iruma and azz, but also bc i do think that the love trio are kinda representing fundamentals of demonhood, ill be bold and say she's gonna be even More confident w her love for iruma and azz [expressing control thru more establishment of the love trio in the story, i think]

also i am just, the way nishi-sensei continously draws these intimate moments between the love trio in this shoujo romance manga kinda style, especially when the panel/page feels like it's framed to be from the view point of one of the three, like that's just something that can be so special

Minor thing, among many things I've thrown in here i literally have the chapter open in a different tab so i can reference it during writing, i think clara kinda snapping at iruma and azz for being overbearing in the first pages is like, one of the few times i recall her actually, doing anything of the sort? might be wrong tho but i like this visible development to their dynamic

yea so I'm pretty normal about this chapter,,, <<<guy who folds quick when it comes to love trio content

[hoao]

oikawa is a perfectly crafted character. he’s silly and insufferable and has a ridiculous way of behaving but he’s also determined and strong and committed and hardworking. if you dive deeper, he’s also desperate, insecure, and he yearns and he wants and he fights. he’s scared his hard work will never be enough because there are people who are already one step ahead of him, people he considers geniuses.

“talent is something you make bloom, instinct is something you polish.”

i don’t think anything will ever stop him from doubting and feeling insecure, and iwaizumi himself once told him he’s probably never going to be satisfied. however, by breaking free from the constant pressure of “the talented ones”, he can polish his hard work, his instinct, his drive.

it will lead him far, yes. in fact, it leads him to another country, dealing with another language and another culture and another world. he momentarily forgets just how fun volleyball can be, until meeting hinata reminds him of it. he grows up to be fierce and motivated and passionate and on the opposite side of the court, representing another country and standing up for his “petty pride”.

he’s a character that drives me insane because i relate to him in ways that scare me. am i talented? or is what i have “just” instinct that i have to polish? am i a sort of imposter between people who are born great? people who have to work hard, just like me, but they seem to be doing it a bit more effortlessly?

hard work is always hard work, no matter the raw material (talent/instinct). but oikawa is so good and relatable because he knows it and he still feels like he needs to do more, more, more. he feels different from the others, and when first confronted with this reality it almost takes control of him. (kageyama is what he will never be, he despises him because of it).

and what’s an even bigger paradox is that nobody ever looks down on him. he does it all by himself. kageyama and ushijima and hinata and everybody else, they all look at him for what he is: a good player, a scary opponent, someone they fear and someone they look up to simultaneously, someone they have fun playing against, someone they want to beat, someone worth their time and efforts, someone who’s crazy good at what he does.

as always, haikyuu is so real for this too. our mind works in very weird ways, sometimes we don’t take into consideration others’ opinions of us unless they’re negative, we’re never satisfied with ourselves, we always want more.

oikawa is a perfectly crafted character. he has flaws and he’s so intensely human people might despise him for it. and the path furudate built for him is so fitting and so hopeful it has me believing there’s a chance i’ll get there too. not to Argentina, not to the Olympics. instead, to a future where my hard work means something (to me!).

and what if i don’t feel like the others? what about it? it will never be “just” instinct. it’s my hard work, my pride and drive. it will lead me places because i demand it. when oikawa breaks off the cycle, he becomes insatiable. “i will defeat everyone, so be ready!”

(i also happen to believe he really does defeat everyone).

[larkingame]

so, it's 2025...long time no see.

I'll skip they hi, how are yous and get down to the real meat and potatoes of what I'm here to say. TLDR: Larkin is still being worked on (screenshots + such below) and it's always going to remain a free game, but it's under heavy construction atm. thanks for checking in 🫡

for the two people who want to hear the long sob story that usually comes with these type of posts from online creators: I fucked up my back majorly and was out of work for a long time. I went back to work pre-maturely and! I've fucked it up again. the stress of this, lack of income and the fact that i've been taking a lot of meds to help the injuries (but mess with my ability to stay coherent) has made it really difficult to consistently focus on larkin, writing, social media in general, but it is still getting worked on in bits and pieces.

that said, some back story: I started working on larkin in 2019/2020 and it was really really fun! loved it. had a great time. but then i started posting about it and showed it to other people (and to my surprise they??????? liked it????) which made me put a very large amount of pressure on myself that made it not so fun any more. over time i would go through cycles of it's fun! to it's not fun! and so on and so forth. throughout this time I also had pressure from a lot of people around me (irl) to somehow like. strictly monetize larkin somehow, and as someone who was like VERY INSECURE and obsessed with people like mishka making like insane funds off of her game of the same type?/genre? i gave in to that pressure (if you could not tell by all my occasional dirty deletes of shade towards twc. truly pathetic and if any of yall saw. apologies and thanks for ignoring it.) addressing that: i liked twc when it came out, it was fun for what it was and larkin would not exist without it. so thanks for that miss jenkins and i will probably still passively engage with it on my own time.

but, back to larkin. anyways, the looming pressure of this need to monetize made me hate everything that i was doing and constantly feel like i needed to re-evolve and rework and just, overall not have a fun time with it. throughout the months of november, december and january when i was really missing the days of larkin's existence as an idea when me and my sister would just like walk around our neighborhood and i would just infodump to her about my cowboy vampire ocs. so i found my old larkin notebook and the stickies i made planning plot stuff and avoiding tumblr i just. had fun working on my little cowboy vampire game. like not really thinking about other stuff. and that's essentially it.

so I came to a conclusion: larkin is something i love, and i want to continue loving it. so essentially, i won't be monetizing the game itself. episodes/chapters whatever they end up being in the end will always be free. yay. if you want extra content/want to support me in some way monetarily, feel free to join the patreon, however, I won't really be active on it until i have something substantial to show you game wise. that being said, you can still subscribe for access to the backlog of short stories and art etc. I'm turning off charges each month until i have like a real game for you to play that doesn't make me sick to my stomach to look at or think about. another note: pc players are going to be priority until it's finished. I will have a mobile version but i can't promise you she will be all that pretty.

another note, because larkin is free i can't promise quick turnarounds on anything but what i'll be offering on patreon when i start charging again and additionally: i'm back to making larkin a game for me. i really lost a lot of enjoyment for doing this stuff when i thought about that pressure i put on myself like i mentioned above but also, when i started writing it for other people in mind. first and foremost i am making larkin because i like cowboys, i like vampires, i like horror and religious trauma themes. i'm writing this for me: kc, so i can go on my computer and teehee at all the kissing scenes and make a cool cowboy character with fights. i'm going to make it gay and self-indulgent and basically just have fun with it because it's my game and i am making it and i said so.

all that said here are some of the major things i've done with larkin over this past little while:

updated the website so that it is now useable :)

done a lot of work on the ui:

and i have been rewriting a lot of stuff because I FEEL like it was not good and was not fun for me. THE DEMO FROM LAST JUNE ESPECIALLY. it hurts my stomach to look at.

visually, dan (@tapeworrmart ) has been on his fucking a-game with the art even through my crisis. here's the male ace portrait he put together for me last fall and the art for the main menu:

we also have some more art in the works that i am very excited for because they are in pursuit of new fun features :D

all that said. thanks for the continued support if you're still reading this, appreciate any interest you have in my game.

[thankyoulovely]

always there (arthurtv)

no matter what, he's there to celebrate your accomplishments

got inspired by this tiktok i saw (@ addieeraymond) and i knew i had to write about this >:) also the timeline may be skewed but for the purpose of this story it happens the way i wrote it AND if i have not written the UK uni shenanigans correctly then my bad!.

angst, ~2k words?

After many years, your graduation finally happened.

You had been academically struggling. You knew you wanted to go to university to get a degree in something you love, but life always got in the way. In that time, your passions changed and your uncertainty grew. Finally, you found your way to Leicester. After four years, with one year abroad in the Netherlands, you got your degree. You had split up with Arthur during your first year.

Arthur had moved to London to keep working with his law degree. You had moved to Leicester. The initial plan of long distance worked. As your first year was ending, the relationship crumbled to nothing.

You knew Arthur would be insanely busy, but he promised to make an effort - to either travel to Leicester to meet you, or you staying over at his place in London. And that's how it was for the first couple of months. But the silence started growing.

Sometimes, he would air you completely for days, and you were rightfully worried. He would tell you that everything was fine, promised to call that night and fall off the face of the Earth for two days again. It became a vicious cycle.

You visited him in London for the last time about two months later. You made an effort to have a couple of days free to visit him.

"My door's always unlocked for you," he would say. And it was.

It was an incredibly bittersweet night. Arthur pleaded you to try again, but you couldn't. Not anymore. Kissing him for the last time, you slept on the couch as Arthur tried to keep himself together in his bed.

The next morning was awkward. Your train wasn't leaving until the late afternoon. You two held a civil conversation, knowing this might be the last time you see each other for a while. As you packed up your last knickknacks that you'd left at his place before and stood at his front door, you faced him. His eyes were red from the emotional rollercoaster you both had gone through. Your heart lurched at his pain, but there wasn't anything you could do. You wanted to be close to him, but you couldn't do that to him. Or yourself. This had to end.

"I guess this is it." you murmur out, not really trusting your voice to hold any confidence.

Arthur just nods. You can tell he doesn't want to say goodbye.

"I love you."

Your eyes fall at your feet, "Arthur..." you sigh out.

"I'm not saying it to win you back. I just want you to know that I love you."

He wipes his face with the sleeve of his black jumper. Tear stains are already present in the exact spots.

You brush your hand through your hair, taken aback by his words. You know he means them. It sucks that you feel the exact same way, but it wouldn't change anything. All you wanted to do was pull him into a hug.

So you do, pulling him close with one arm behind his back and the other at the back of his head. His head falls in the crook of your neck, crossing his arms at your waist.

His touch is starting to feel cold. Incredibly bittersweet.

As you pull away, Arthur exhales a deep breath.

"I want you to know that I am and will be so proud of you no matter what. Even if our paths don't cross, I want you to succeed. I know you will."

His confession makes you tear up again, knowing that you have to leave now.

"I wish you the best of luck, Arthur." Your sentence is short, not knowing how else to express your feelings. There is so much more you would want to say, but more words may complicate this. And that's all you say.

Arthur stands back, watching you walk out of his flat. You hear him sniffle just before you close the door.

Throughout the next three years, he became a comfortable memory. The ending hurt your heart every time you thought about it, but it just became more comfortable. You learned to live without him.

It wasn't easy. Sometimes, you really wanted to text him when you were struggling with memorising some terms for an exam. He'd always volunteer to help you when you guys called, making it work somehow. You guys could always make it work somehow. How come not that time? You wince at the memory. You take a sip of your water and wake up your laptop to continue writing your last term paper.

Your friends at uni helped you along the way. Accidentally 'embarrassing' yourself in front of a group of people at a random party earned you some pretty close best friends, and a tightknit group of friends you often met up with during times of leisure. You'd confided to them about Arthur during a study meet, and they all tried to be as comforting as possible.

One of your friends later told you that he recognised the guy you had talked about. This had taken you by surprise, but when she told you that she knew him from Youtube, your shock was through the roof. You almost didn't believe her, even when you were watching one of his 90-day fiancé videos.

This set you back for a week. You watched some of his older videos and managed to catch newer uploads as well. Gathering from the comments and what he himself had said in videos, he'd quit his practice to do Youtube. This really surprised you. As long as he is happy. That's all that mattered.

You tried dating. Emphasis on tried. One guy looked eerily like Arthur and the night felt weird. You did meet a nice guy, but you guys stayed as friends instead.

During your last year, you barely thought about him. All you focused on was your degree and future possibilities. Your nights were either spent behind your laptop or at a pub with your group of friends. And things were okay.

------------------

Many sleepless, hungover, busy and procrastinating days and nights led you to here - your graduation. As you accepted your diploma, you shed a few tears. You felt incredibly proud of your progress during your last four years. The graduation itself passed by in a blur, and next thing you knew, you were standing outside, hugging your family.

All your friends and family from your hometown came to congratulate you, and you felt immense happiness. Seeing everyone you appreciate and love sharing their love for you made you tear up even more. Your hands were full from the amount of flowers that were gifted for you.

One of your uni friends had made their way to you, hugging you. As you look behind him, you see him.

Arthur.

Your heart drops, frozen hugging your friend. He pulls away and notices your expression. Looking behind him, he sees him as well. He turns back to you to congratulate you more as he scurries away from this interaction.

All you can do is stare.

You hadn't kept up with his business for so long. Suddenly seeing him, standing five feet away from you leaves you breathless. He looks older. He obviously is older, but he's grown more into his features. His stubble and grown-out curly hair makes him look handsome. His brown eyes stare into yours.

Looking down, you notice he's holding a bouquet of red tulips. You also notice that since you looked away from his eyes, he's started moving closer to you. Looking down at your hands, you realise your hands are empty all of a sudden, not feeling your mum take them off your hands.

Soon enough, he's right there, standing in front of you. You find the courage to look up at him, and you offer him a genuine smile. He smiles just as genuinely back.

"Hi." Arthur says, finding his words.

"Hi, Arthur." is all you can reply. Your breath is shaky, unsure.

He immediately pulls you into a hug. You can feel his hands hesitate behind your back, not knowing where to place them. They're on your lower back before he flinches to place them upwards. Quickly and gradually, he slides them lower. Like he used to back in the day. The hug isn't awkward anymore - it's familiar. His cologne takes you back to the days in his apartment, fooling around around the flat as you wore his hoodie. If this situation wasn't insane enough, you would swear that it was the exact same scent.

He nudges his head so his lips are closer to your ear, "I'm so proud of you." He says this softly, his warm breath tickling your ear. It's quiet, knowing that this is only meant for you and no one else.

Incredibly bittersweet.

You tear up instantly, swaying from side to side with him. It's impossible to pull him any closer than he already is. You know that you've probably earned some weird stares from your relatives, but quite honestly, you couldn't care less. Arthur is right here, hugging you after four years. All that mattered was this. The past four year silence meant nothing right now. As if this was always supposed to happen. As if he had never left you, and he'd been there all that time. But you could only pretend.

He finally pulls away, handing you the bouquet. It's so pretty.

"Thank you, really." You tell Arthur, choked up.

He still gives you a genuine smile, "You deserve it. Congratulations."

You smile back at him. He stands back a bit as another friend approaches you for a hug.

You lose track, again. You can see Arthur standing back with your family, talking with them with a grin on his face. You can only glance at him as you're forced to take more pictures.

Finally, your family starts to escort you to your car to leave. As you reach them, you look for him, wanting to thank him again. Scanning across the nearby area, the hard reality faces you. Arthur is gone.

He left.

Your eyes fall onto the tulip bouquet he gave you. You feel like you've been crying all night, but this saddens you further.

In the car, your mum speaking pulls you out of your consuming thoughts.

"Can you believe Arthur came all this way here? He sat with us during the whole graduation. It was so lovely to see him after all this time! The fact that he even came here.."

And the rest drowns out.

He was there for the entire graduation.

Not thinking straight, you pull out your phone. You scroll your contacts, finding his name.

You:

thank you for coming, arthur :)

you really surprised me

His reply is instant.

Arthur:

Just wanted to support you :)

You stare at his text, smiling. This feels okay. This doesn't hurt. You hold his bouquet closer to your heart. Maybe this is what you needed.

------------------

i don't like the ending but im leaving it like this.

i might write a follow-up to this 🤫

[stilljuststardust]

I don't know. What should I do? 😭 If you were in my place what would u do?..

I'm literally so lost. Right now. Like I feel like I'm in a slump, rut, a cycle of "read Tumblr posts, try, fall, repeat" how do I break free from this???? I genuinely just want to shift. Or live my dream life.

God I'm so done. Ever since I found out abt void (or got into reality shifting) I've put hold on life ever since, it'll be almost an year, I really don't want to keep living like this, it's like god. I can't. I just want to leave this reality. I'm so done. I want to enter void state. I just. God. Oh my god. I can't. I've idolized these things so much I know but these are my only saviors. I do believe all of this is real, but I don't trust my own ability, I know, I've been trying for so long, am I even trying at this point? I know i should give up, but how? I just can't keep living like this, it's hell...

Hello love, turn off your phone.

1. Save what you need to

Find a handful of concise posts that center you and remind you who you are and what you are capable of/remind you that manifestation isn't actually hard

Screenshot them, save them, print them out, whatever you need to but save them in a way that doesn't require you to reopen Tumblr. Maybe make a google doc with them/any links to videos or subliminals that you ground yourself with

2. Address your phone addiction

I fell down a rabbit hole on dopamine addiction a couple months back and I've learned a bit about it. If you want to stop overconsumption you have to stop doomscrolling.

Don't put your phone by your bed. Do not let the first thing you do in the morning be checking your notifications and scrolling.

"think of it as a lemon that you're squeezing the juice out of right? ...at the very beginning you can squeeze very little and you can get a lot of juice out of. But at the very end you need something very very powerful to squeeze out the remaining juice. So the more dopaminergic the task the less dopamine you need to engage in the activity " - DR K

The problem is your phone releases INSANE amounts of dopamine. It's this flashing color crack box that immediately spends all of that dopamine and because you used it first thing you need extremely dopaminergic activities or you can't focus.

Other extremely dopaminergic things include: video games, pornography, seeing people you hate attempt to bleach their hair, gambling, etc.

If you're trying to kick your phone addiction there's a couple things to remember:

You are going to get through the first day and think "I'm doing so well what's a TikTok break going to hurt" DONT FALL FOR IT. Your brain is lying to you. If you were good at moderation you wouldn't be trying to kick the addiction in the first place

It's ok to be bored. You have to accept being bored. It's good for your brain. Be bored.

Do not quit because you tripped up. The best advice I've heard for addiction is not to treat it as "I have to have an unbroken streak" this leads people to go on benders because of small slip ups because they "ruined it anyway". Instead think in percentages. You made it through 6/7 days. That's still an improvement and yes the goal is 7/7 but you are getting there if you keep your discipline.

3. How your day should look

Wake up and take a couple minutes to affirm and saturate your mind. This is basically bragging to yourself about how much you have it and it's yours. Affirm things like "oh my god I just woke up in my DR" or "Oh my god I shifted"

Do the shit you need to do. Don't put it off. Why should your life here have to stop??

Whenever you think about the things you want remind yourself that you already have it and it's yours. Think about it as if you have it. Do saturation sessions throughout the day if you want to.

Stop searching for a new method, advice, whatever, think as if you have already manifested it instead of spiralling into "I don't have it. this next post will help me have it" Do. Not. Think. About. It. As. If. You. Don't. Have. It.

Actually stick to it. Yes even if it takes longer than you want.

Great video on saturation that you should watch: click here

What you're doing wrong

What do you mean you've put your life on hold? Please do not do that. There is no reason to. If you ignore the obvious downsides to neglecting yourself and your life, you should know that isn't helping your manifestation at all either.

Right now you're suspended in a waiting state. You're entire life revolves around "I have to figure out how to do this", "I haven't done this yet so I can't focus on anything else"

What is that telling your subconscious? That it's not here and that nothing can change.

The point of LOA is to think as if it's already here. If you put everything on hold until you have it the only state you are thinking from is "it's not here". If you were thinking from the state of having it you wouldn't be doing any of that. "I can't do ____ until this manifests" you just affirmed that it hasn't manifested/you have not shifted. Not only are you frozen in the physical world but the internal one.

"I know I should give up but how" who told you to give up? I don't think you should do that. Why would you give up on something you have?

Both manifestation and shifting work the same way. You think as if you are there or that you have what you want and the physical world has to change to fit that. Has to.

These things are not your saviors. These things are not things. They are not outside of you. It is not a magical ability you need to tap into, it is something you are already doing. Your assumptions choose what your physical world looks like 24/7. It doesn't turn off that is just how you work. Your reality has ALWAYS shifted to match your mind. You aren't harnessing anything you are just realizing your own potential.

I know it sounds absurdly simple, that's because it is. You are creating your reality. Create. Sit down and think as if it's here. Bask in having it.

Do you know what the void state is? It's you. It's your consciousness. Are you consciousness ? Then you can enter. The reason you aren't experiencing it now is just because you are telling yourself that you are your body. You are not your body. You are the consciousness. Void state is just a return to self.

It is ok to focus on yourself and your life. You are going to be ok. You are going to shift. Please please take care of yourself

Links (please)

Watch this if your forgot who TF you are (fave YouTuber at the moment)

Your only limiting belief

Robotic affirmation timer

[yellowocaballero]

i very much enjoy the extremely scientific analysis of the naruto verse in which there are three genders, aka naruto, sasuke, and Woman.

AM I WRONG? AM I WRONG? pulls down projection screen and plays powerpoint

Obviously let's give room for nuance. A ton of Naruto characters don't fall into these gender norms. This does predominantly apply to the rampant proliferation of the three-person dynamics that were assigned by the government and dictate your entire life. And, like, society. It does not end. Gender isn't a biological factor in Naruto, it's a social dynamic constructed entirely by your homoerotic tension with other men. And there are so many.

Madara (S), Hashirama (N), Mito (W). Izuna (N) and Tobirama (S) - tragically, Izuna died before women could be invented. Sarutobi (N), Danzo (S, horrifically) - see above about women not being invented yet. Jiraiya (N), Orochimaru (S), Tsunade (W). Yahiko (N), Nagato (S), Konan (W). Obito (N), Kakashi (S), Rin (W). Shisui (N), Itachi (S), that little deeply unimportant girlfriend (W). Um, fucking, Naruto (N), Sasuke (S), Sakura (W). Even - even, fuckin, Rock Lee (N), Neiji (S), Tenten (W).

And what do they all have in common????

(OT3. They're all OT3s. Is what I'm saying).

There is some room for alternative gender expressions here, like being butch or femme. Naruto gender expressions: teacher, otouto, woman who you can't even tell is woman gendered because she has no backstory but you just have to kinda assume that she has a polycule-based backstory where she was Woman Gender. I feel almost as if 2/3rds of the Rookie 9 are liberated from this. InoShikaCho just doesn't fit (their chaotic cousin energy is just too strong and Ino's too much of a lesbian). Hinata's too busy being defined entirely by a different throuple's N to have codependent dynamics with her own N and S (and I'm hesitant to even say that, since I actually don't know if Kiba and Shino have a codependent rivalry - do they?).

I get, like, the reason for all of this. Curse of Hatred. Cycles. N and S Genders being sourced from demigods or something. Narrative parallelism. Sympathy points. It's not the bad guy's fault he's evil, his N and W gendered counterparts died :(. But an extremely strange side-effect of this is that all of the male characters are, like, Just Naruto or Just Sasuke. But the vast majority of the female characters are - like, completely defined by the men in their lives - but also they are more likely to be a unique person. Mito, Sakura, and Rin have actually nothing in common. Writing so sexist it creates more interesting characters?!?!

Unironically, this is why I'm always saying that Sasunaru is the ship of all time, nothing will ever top it, you will NEVER do it like Sasunaru, etc. Every important relationship in the series is meant to evoke Sasunaru. (Notably, none of the explicitly romantic ones. But we're beyond such paltry understandings of the most iconic pairing of all time as fundamentally based in romance. We're operating on a higher level than that). This unbroken chain of toxic yaoi has culminated at the end point of Sasunaru, and it exists to parallel Sasunaru and define their relationship by the dysfunction of generations of tragedy. That's why Naruto has to consciously break the cycle and free them from the generational hate - it was the only way to save Sasuke. This is also why I'm always saying that Sasunaru is the point of Naruto, and that the entirety of Naruto is about Sasunaru. Come back to me when your work has invented new genders in the all-encompassing pursuit of toxic yaoi.

This also means that the only truly gender non-conforming individuals in Naruto are its mightiest heterosexuals: Minato (W) and Kushina (N). Truly insane. The N/S/W configuration is the societal norm, it's bonkers to make a major good-aligned male character a wifeguy. By Naruto standards Minato and Kushina are the only queer couple.

[voice-of-the-tired]

(ramblings of a madman upcoming. this is borderline nonsensical but I just gotta get this out there)

ugh, I LOVE the voices parallels so much. they make me insane. and I've been thinking about opportunist/hunted and skeptic/smitten the most rn.

for the first two, in their respective chapter 2s they are survival responses put in situations where said responses are entirely reasonable, but will end up reinforcing the "status quo" if entertained. this is somewhat the case with most of the voices, but I think it's especially noticeable with them.

the opportunist has a "betray them before they ever get the chance to betray you" mentality, and would you look at that, the witch has the very same mentality! and he is CORRECT in thinking she will betray you. because she will. but by following him and what he thinks, you're just making it impossible to break the cycle of violence (this is literally the point of the thorn).

the hunted behaves... well, like prey, and uh. the beast IS a predator. he IS prey. she is hunting them. but if you just follow your instincts you'll never be able to free her, or defeat her, or leave together or learn about reconciliation or do anything else that isn't survive.

so their situations are reinforcing their behaviour, then their behaviour in turn reinforces their situation; they are stuck in a cycle. at least with the hunted you can have the skeptic to make a plan later on in the den, I guess. but it's still a fascinating thing.

I think the stubborn and the broken chapters are a bit similar to them in this regard, but those have more to do with giving meaning to the princess and choosing whether or not you should fight against it in the end. it's a bit of a different situation. skeptic and smitten also don't quite... doom themselves if you just follow them, even though they actively feed into the chapter's "concepts", because they're sort of "tools" made to complement and help you towards your goal (free the princess through skepticism or blind devotion) as opposed to survival responses.

talking about them... oh boy, skeptic and smitten in their respective chapter 2s. you can just go through with whatever the plan was (leave with her), but if you don't, they won't ever get the only thing they sought and will hurt others (and themselves) in their desperation. you take away smitten's happy ending, and you leave skeptic without answers, and to that they just. fucking lose it. going with the previous tool comparation, you could say that's what happens when a "tool" isn't useful in a specific situation any longer. it can't do anything else except for its designated function. so

when the illusion that love makes everything possible and that all you and the princess needed was each other shattered, the smitten couldn't believe it. this was everything he ever wanted and everything he knew; you are the hero. she is a damsel. you are in love. you save the damsel and live happily ever after. that's what HAD to happen, and if it didn't, then it will. he has to make it happen, because it can't and shouldn't work in any other way.

in the prisoner, if you don't take her head, you are shoved into eternal nothingness while left with only questions. what is this place? who is the narrator? what is he hiding? who is the princess? why is she locked up? how could she end the world? is there a world? where is it? why are we the ones doing this? why did the princess cut off her head? not only could they not go through with saving the princess like they tried before, but there are SO many questions, and skeptic didn't get any answers! they can't be left unanswered, the truth HAS to be unraveled. that's what he's been trying to do all along. it's the only thing that matters. they WILL keep going and they WILL figure it out.

they are too obsessed to care about anything else. they are too stuck in their tunnel vision to accept anything else. they are too far gone to do anything else.

lord help me I am going insane because of this game /pos

[souptastical]

💾Cursed Child Repository Info

All I ask in return for access to this collection is that you read this all & abide by the disclaimers in the directory file within the repository as its of legal importance💖

The above file delves more into it, but a quick & public disclaimer for Masters (not viewers) is here

Repository Updates Tags: #repoupdate (general)

#importantrepo (important, look through before messaging me)

New Requirement:

❗️If your coming from an empty/new blog, please tell me where you came from.❗️

MAJOR NOTE PLS ABIDE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD:

Stop mentioning my repo to others on tiktok. I love you all, but long story short, that app is insanely public & having this public like that ruins my ability to archive these performances, ruins your ability to have them/ones in the future, and drives this theatre niche underground. So please, stop mentioning it, stop posting clips there.

Now for the public disclaimers:

Disclaimer 1: I didn't originally record the performances, and I make no profit from them while also standing firmly against making any profit whatsoever by the sharing of media I do not own.

Disclaimer 2: Don't sell these files. You can gauge why but for further explanation, read all below.

Disclaimer 3: Do NOT post edits/clips/full videos of this on TikTok, Youtube, etc- making it ENTIRELY public is how access to these types of media dies. Even if its just a clip, then Encora gets back into the public eye which has been entirely wiped once already & made it so these files were insanely hard to find for a long time. Also, its against every single social media platform's terms & conditions to post bootlegged content, which they all take seriously. I know edits are fun, I get it, but please help keep this community alive & the joy in seeing this play accessible.

Continue to post under cut↓

|𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐂𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐅𝐎𝐋𝐃𝐄𝐑|

*note: password includes brackets*

》 I don't include NFT recordings. When they expire, I will include them. If you don't know, just ask & I'm more than happy to let you know when they do.

》 The Cursed Child Repository is not only password protected, but the password & link will cycle once every day. This is to avoid the repository being entirely public. Only PM me for the password when you're able to download- but am totally still down for you to PM me anytime about inquiries regarding which performances are in the folder, as well as asking for the cycled password/link.

》 I NEED you to read the "Directory" file in the repository before downloading- mainly, the disclaimers about the recordings & the revised script transcription/translation as well as noting file sizes before you attempt to download. I tried my best to catalogue information correctly but if you find I have made a mistake, feel free to reach out.

》 Keep in mind that the entire collection is over 50 GB. This is an important note if you are downloading on low bandwith, as well as an important note regarding Mega's transfer quota. The transfer cap from Mega does cap usually under 10 GB, but that all depends on server traffic / other, so i can't really tell you what your cap would be within a 24 hr period.

》 I kindly ask that you not share these downloads in fully public folders/links, and strongly command that you not sell them. I would like to lessen the possibility of law violation as much as possible, despite the fact I wasn't the one to record any of these. This repository/its files are not meant for profit, and I strongly am against them being sold due to the fact it takes financial revenue away from rights holders like JKR, Warner Bros and Broadway Licensing/associated theatre companies. This is media archiving & making hard-to-view media accessible. That's all it is.

[ace-disgrace-from-space]

Asagiri, your ass is SO lucky I was already planning on drinking tonight because oh my fucking god.

I'm insane because this next month? It isn't simply about to be a month of us wondering if Akutagawa is going to live or die or some secret third thing. I won't just be wondering if we're getting another fake-out or what's next for Ame-no-Gozen as time turns on.

All I can think about?

Atsushi's decision likely decides the fates of everyone else.

Atsushi decides if Ueda lives or dies here which means whatever happens next is the DIRECT result of his choices. Presumably, whether Akutagawa lives or dies. What happens to the ADA- those who've been struck down and those still fighting. And knowing Atsushi and the way this story unravels, he likely won't kill Ueda.

Atsushi's inherent kindness and the way he sees himself there signals something to me. The idea of no one deserving to die because someone else abused their gift. The idea of that evil is in the hands that wield it and no tool is evil until it is. The idea that simply because someone tells you you're to blame and that you must atone, doesn't make it true- an idea Atsushi has come to understand himself.

I have notes stashed away for an essay on a rainy day about Bungou Stray Dogs and the cycle of abuse (as a vague TL;DR- PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE TO WRITE THIS, PLEASE COLLEGE OF MINE). In BSD, we've seen this cycle clearly through our two little weirdo freaks- Akutagawa's recycled rhetoric and verbal attacks that he likely learned through Dazai and how he continues to facilitate said behavior, through Atsushi's time at the orphanage and how the headmaster's abuse is the direct cause of Atsushi's low self-worth and intense self-hatred, and how they finally break free of that cycle.

Atsushi first with Kyouka, then Akutagawa as he begins to realize what he needs to overcome and that he no longer seeks that validation from Dazai as desperately as he used to, and now Atsushi again with Ueda.

Atsushi is going to set Ueda free because that's the person he is and because that's what he needed someone to do for him. In a way, Atsushi is saving himself.

Because "It's not your fault".

I have so much to say on this topic, but that is a well referenced and cited essay for another day.

Bottomline is, there's going to be large ripple effects because the core is severed and no longer bound by rope and chain and past. What exactly that means remains to be seen, but it might be Ueda being able to 'atone' for the sins he feels he's done or caused. It might be Ame-no-Gozen losing control and going berserk. All we know is killing Ueda would cease the conflict, but based on everything know and what I've already said- Atsushi likely won't do that.

So, everything that happens next will be the results of Atsushi's choice- good or bad.

All we can hope for is that the weight of that choice and the weight of the consequences that follow won't crush him and that any guilt he may carry after won't bury him.

[hannahssimblr]

It’s evening, and the steady drizzle from the afternoon has turned into a torrent. It pummels the roof of her building. Sixth floor. Pellets on slate. I take the spare key from my bag—soaked through the canvas—and my fingertips have that rubbery, dulled sensation, as if I’ve been holding them underwater.

Astrid is on her couch, watching something on her laptop. She looks up. “Oh, hi.” Blinks. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”

“I sent you a text.”

“My phone died.”

Kick my runners off and leave them outside her door, on the tile. My socks then, too. Sodden, tucked into them. “Is it alright? I was working in the area. I couldn’t really face cycling home like this.”

“Sure.” She gives me a startled look, taking me in. “You’re soaked.”

“Yeah.”

She gets up and goes to the bathroom, comes out with a towel—unfolded in her arms—approaching me like you would a toddler or a wet dog. “Here,” she says, and rubs it over my hair. “You must be cold.”

“Yeah, I am.” Her sleeve smells like her perfume, of rose and blackcurrant. 

“Oh. You should get in the bath. You can take your clothes off here.”

My clothes are weighty in my hands—saturated denim and jersey, dripping onto the floor. My skin beneath is slick with rain and cold. There’s an odd self-consciousness in my nakedness—a childlike thing, like the fear of being seen too closely in the school changing room.

She gathers my clothing and puts it into a plastic laundry basket. “I’ll take it to the basement.” 

I shake my head. “I can do it.”

“It’s fine. You run the bath. Put your towel on the radiator so it’s warm.”

She leaves for the laundry room, and I turn on the old taps in the bath, metal squeaking, and steaming water spluttering into the tub. Ease myself in. Ears ringing through the complete silence of her empty apartment, while Berlin pulses with life outside the tiny window. 

I submerge my entire head and live there for a minute. The low throb of my heart, my breath bubbling across my face. Thoughts swirling, the slow boil of dissatisfaction, the distance from everything and everyone. I imagine her down there in the dingy basement, my clothes spinning in the washer. Running into a neighbour, and then forgetting I’m even here. 

Head above again, to the smell of acetone in the bathroom, nail varnish remover open on the sink. I use her shampoo, then. The one that smells like she does, in its matte black bottle. 

My phone buzzes in my bag. I hear it in the living room, and my muscles tense. For some reason, I am convinced it’s Evie. Texting me, like, hey sorry I had to hang up earlier. If you’re free again now?

And if I were free, would I call her? Would it be insane to do it in the bath, with the iridescent pink of my girlfriend’s shampoo still diffusing across the surface of the water? And then, what? Speak to her naked? Tell her about the rainstorm and the loopy old woman I encountered on my shift? No. Evie would know—she’d hear it in my voice—that I’m naked. That I’ve let my guard down. She’d pick it up just from the way I breathe.

Still, I sit up in the ripples of my body and consider climbing out to answer her text. 

Then Astrid comes back. Click of the door locking behind her, and I don’t move, like stillness could cancel out the betrayal. 

She comes to the bathroom door. “That better?”

“Yeah, thanks. It’s perfect.” 

No doubt she thinks I’m being weird, bolt upright in the bath with a guilty face on me, but she comes closer, kneels on the floor by the bath and rubs her hand on the back of my neck, sending shivers up the back of my scalp. 

“I’m glad you came over.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“It felt strange, this week, being apart.”

Feel myself thaw toward her. It all hinging on her acknowledgement. “I know. Look, I shouldn’t have said that stuff to you in the gallery.”

She shakes her head. “No, but it’s okay now. I’d rather not be upset about it. I just…” She gently rakes my nails down my spine, fingertips swirling in the water. “... find it hard when you’re like that towards me.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s not even about you most of the time.”

She nods, her expression soft. Sad eyes, full lips drawn into a pout. When she’s like this, I feel so in love with her it stuns me.

“You don’t deserve it,” I whisper, and lift my hand to touch her face. Only remembering, somehow, that I’m wet when she flinches slightly in surprise. “I just worry about Steffan. Like, I worry about what he wants, and I know you know I worry, but it–”

“I wish you would trust that I know how to handle myself,” she says with that same gentleness as before. “I know how he is, and I know what he wants, but I see an opportunity—see the contacts he has, and the places I could go…” My thumb traces a streak across her cheek. “You probably had women–girls–before me that probably needed you to protect them, but I don’t need that from you. I’m not asking for it.”

“I see that.”

“I’m not weak like they are.”

I pause. Heat flares behind my ribs, but I say only: “Okay.” Take my hand away to trail the surface of the bath, and the water ripples. The others, Michelle, Alison, Evie–they weren’t weak either, but intricate. Unique examples of strong. Their own path, their individual complexities. I want to gently defend them, though she doesn’t even know it’s them she is talking about. 

She straightens up then, shakes her hair away from her face. “I think you should have something to eat. Are you hungry?”

“Mm.”

“I got pizza earlier, and I didn’t finish it. I know it’s–”

“It’s okay, I’ll have it.”

She lets me eat it in her bed, laptop playing some old British procedural show, and her head upon my shoulder. The overhead lights are off, just her antique lamp glows in the corner—soft orange light through the velvet shade. This is how forgiveness manifests. 

Later, when she’s in the bathroom brushing her teeth for bed, I go–finally–to my bag for my phone. Like the telltale heart in the inside pocket. Feel my heart thump as I pull it out, half-hoping, half-dreading a message from Dublin.

There is one, but from Jonas. Telling me he’s pickling radishes for the first time.

Hell yeah! Cool, man. 

I send back an emoji of a grin with a drop of sweat on its forehead. Relief, maybe, that it’s him I’m hearing from, and not someone else. Or a shameful pang that I’ll quickly stash beneath the warmth of Astrid’s bed. 

She comes back, climb under the duvet, loops her arms around me. Breathing softly into my neck like everything should be fixed now. I don’t want to move.

Beginning // Prev // Next

[solanumflare]

IM SO ILL ABOUT SCARLET HOLLOW OH MY GOD. OH MY GODDDD. okay so you know the "status quo" ending for chapter four right. the one where you help dr kelly lock reese up.

well. haha. hahahahahaha. hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa someone sedate me I am LOSING IT. every time I think about reese I go slightly more insane

any conversation they have in status quo is going to further grow the gap between them! reese is never going to trust her so he's never going to agree with her and because he's never going to agree with her she's never going to let him out and because she's never going to let him out then he's going to keep on thinking she's trying to make him suffer and he's never going to trust her

dr kelly says she's going to talk to him and win him over and they'll live happily ever after but it's never going to happen! he doesn't even know he doesn't look human! he's never going to trust her and he's going to keep believing that she poisoned him to keep him sick to control him! and she's never going to trust him and she's going to keep believing that he's a threat to anything and everything and can't be free until he's completely won over to her side!

they are a cycle!!!!! they could break the cycle at any moment!!!!! any fucking moment!!!!!! but they're never going to!!!!!

[prntrink]

The Two-Way Street: An II Character Discussion

With the end of Inanimate Insanity’s second season and the recent reveal that more is coming, I wanted to take the time to talk about an idea I’ve been brewing in my head for a little while now. Now that we’re free of the competition, the show is free to explore its characters more in depth. This means a lot for characters who have previously been shafted or simply unlucky enough to place low in the ranks of the show. While my focus today is on a fan-favorite, I feel as if they haven’t quite finished their arc yet.

Enter Yin-Yang.

Now, I really appreciate the strides Yin-Yang made in Inanimate Insanity Invitational, learning to work better together rather than constantly bicker. However, I can’t help but feel like their development is one-sided. After rewatching the entirety of the series twice now, I think I have my thoughts in order. While they do have an arc, it is more focused on Yang and his own arc of opening up and allowing himself to be more vulnerable, despite the multiple betrayals he’s faced with. Now, I do think this arc is important, but it leaves their character feeling incomplete. This feeling is only accentuated in their last episodes as a contestant, “Spring on the Breakfast” and “Blue Buried”. On both rewatches, I felt that the writers were setting something up for Yin-Yang, but ran out of time to explore the strain on their relationship. In the span of three episodes, Yin-Yang loses their mentor, is manipulated into spiraling, and seemingly resolves their conflict. Compared to the 14 episodes where Yin-Yang is featured, this feels like a total writing crunch.

When we last see Yin-Yang, at least in depth, he’s not exactly harmonious with himself. But this time, it’s not because of Yang, at least not intentionally. It’s because of Yin. 

But maybe that was the writer’s intention. Thus my idea. What if Yin and Yang are going to swap roles in the upcoming II content? Perhaps that wasn’t the end of Yin-Yang’s arc. Rather, it planted a seed. The seed of something that will bloom in whatever comes next.

What am I implying? Well, let’s look at what the symbol yin-yang means! Wikipedia notes Georges Oshawa’s The Unique Principle as saying yin-yang is “an opposite but interconnected, self-perpetuating cycle.” The two halves of yin and yang are designed to react to each other. One ebbs, the other flows. One rises, the other falls.

One improves, the other devolves.

Throughout season 3, we see signs of Yang becoming more capable of compromise and meaningful relationships, at least until Candle’s elimination. He’s more willing to work with Yin and open up about his feelings, even if in a non-direct way. However, we don’t see much development from Yin. The most we get is in “Pesty Besties”, when Yin admits to struggling to assert himself.

Yin: (...)I didn’t know how to put my foot down, and I yelled, and I’m bad. I can’t do anything without Yang.

Yin: (…)I didn’t know how good you were at being assertive. I’m glad you’re here for our balance!

While this is a step forward, I can’t help but feel this is a rather surface-level form of development, especially considering the archetype Yin fills: the nice one. I find that a lot of arcs involving nice characters involve them becoming more assertive. Hell, it can even be seen in II itself, with Suitcase’s arc in season 2 revolving around becoming more assertive. It feels repetitive. But maybe that’s the point. There’s something deeper than Yin needs to work on that he either doesn’t recognize or is unwilling to face. Maybe his arc is meant to move in opposition to Yang. While Yang becomes better, maybe Yin is supposed to get worse, or at least have his flaws become more prominent. After all, it’s easy to look like a saint when your other half is the devil.

 But one can argue that Yang is the worse half. Of course Yin would be harsher with him! His history alone has given Yin enough reason not to trust him, and I do agree with that! However, Yang’s arc throughout season 3 revolves around his relationship with Yin, with him even agreeing to treat Yin better, a promise he held by supporting Yin’s desire to become more assertive. Even with these improvements though, Yang is regularly spoken to like he’s a child.

It’s also notable that later in the same episode, when Yang creates a mountain of soda cans, he lists respect as one of his demands.

Yang: Dinosaurs! Explosions! And respect!

While one could dismiss this as a petulant demand among other sillier demands, I think this is a small choice made to uncover a deeper desire of Yang’s. Also note how he’s standing on a tower of soda cans. Earlier in the episode, he says this:

Yang: They don’t want us in their team leader club because we’re not nearly as tall as them!

After this complaint, Yang’s gripe is compounded by OJ’s response to him clearly moping.

OJ: Wanna go press the button?

(Note: this quote is said with the tone one would use when talking to a child, made more blatant by OJ saying this to a clearly upset Yang.)

When Yang is atop his tower, this exchange happens:

Yang: I demand you finally take me seriously, shorties!

OJ: This was every day, back at the hotel. I didn't listen to him then... I refuse to now.

Again, this could be dismissed as a gag poking fun at Yang, but his wording, compared with later evidence, makes me feel like Yang could have a legitimate complaint that he’s only able to express through “immature” means. Chances are, he lashes out because it’s the only way he can make the others listen to him.

Throughout the series, we see plenty of Yang’s flaws. He’s impulsive, temperamental, violent, self-absorbed, et cetera, et cetera. However, we’ve seen throughout season three Yang’s attempts at improving. Yes, he’s still flawed, but we see more sympathetic characteristics. He’s passionate, assertive, confident, and while he denies this, shockingly vulnerable and trusting.

So, knowing what we know about the philosophy of Yin-Yang, it would only be natural for Yin to experience the opposite. We already see seeds of this in Blue Buried.

But Yin is the good half, isn’t his job to be good? Wouldn’t him having bad qualities defeat his purpose?

Yes, but that’s the point! In Taoism, neither Yin nor Yang are pure. The dots in their forms are meant to represent this. There’s yin in yang, darkness in light, good in evil. Additionally, in the finale, the contestants are free to grow beyond the stereotypes they were coded to be. This doesn’t automatically mean that everyone will change for the better.

Back on topic, in Blue Buried, Yin accuses Yang of murdering Blueberry based on a valid, but poorly-worded, question.

Yang: Uh, just one question-- what if you... WERE... the murderer?

Yin: Yang, is there something you'd like to share with the class?

Considering Yang’s past, this is a reasonable conclusion to make, at least on the surface, but let’s look a bit deeper. Firstly, if Yang did kill Blueberry, wouldn’t Yin know? Sure, Yang could have used mindful positioning to take control and leave Yin in the dark, but Yin never brings up any evidence that he could’ve done this. He doesn’t mention losing control, blacking out, or even having a moment of forgetfulness. The only discussion we see between them is Yin lashing out at Yang and accusing him of being selfish.

Yin: You know what Yang? Normally I’d complain about you embarrassing me with your insensitive remarks.

Yang: Okay, be normal then, loser.

Yin: But I’m not going to. Because I’m done.

Yang: Done? What do you mean done?

Yin: We were making real progress with mindful positioning, but ever since Candle switched alliances, it’s been all Yang all the time! No wonder Goo doesn’t see us as a unit anymore!

Goo: Oh, I wasn't trying to imply that I-

Yang: You think I’m the murderer, don’t you?

Yin: Of course I don’t think that. I KNOW IT!

Secondly, after accusing Yang, Yin makes no attempt to find other clues. We only make the initial accusation, then submit that as his final vote in the final verdict, even intimidating Goo into agreeing with him.

Yin: It's Yang.

Walkie-Talkie: What makes you say that?

Yin: It’s Yang. Pretty open and shut case. Right Goo?

Goo: I’m scared what would happen if I didn’t agree so yes!

Note that this accusation happens with no evidence from Yin, even when pressed for his reasoning. Yes, Yang has a reputation, but the reaction shown in the episode shows the rest of the cast being clearly confused. Some of them have even seen what Yang is capable of, and they still seem questioning towards Yin’s accusation.

Even when Blueberry himself reveals that he set up his own murder, Yin doesn’t address that he was wrong.

Yang: I told you it wasn’t me.

Yin: So everything’s still all about you, huh?

Yang: I DESERVE TO BE ABLE TO CLEAR MY NAME!

Yin: “I?” “My?” So self-absorbed!

Instead, when Yang brings up that he was wrong, Yin deflects him, bringing up his selfishness again, despite it not being relevant to Yang’s point. Even when he tries bringing the topic back around, Yin deflects again. They’re only interrupted by noticing Blueberry implying he’s going to eliminate Cabby, a common ally.

This isn’t even the first time Yin pulls something like this. Back during A Kick in the Right Direction, after Yin eats Dough, this exchange happens.

Yang: Yin ate him!

Yin: You can’t be serious!

Yang: It couldn’t have been me, I’m gluten free!

Yin: Okay, I ate him. I was starving!

Yin backs down fast, but it can’t be ignored how his first instinct was to deflect blame, albeit in a less direct way. However, pairing this interaction with Yin’s behavior in Blue Buried, I can’t help but notice a concerning pattern. It shows that Yin is willing to scapegoat Yang, even when he has no evidence or knows Yang didn’t do anything.

Furthermore, the way Yin talks about Yang, particularly in season two, feels like he views Yang as a burden to bear rather than a complimentary half.

Yin: If I was not attached to Yang, I wouldn’t do anything wrong!

Yin: I can’t [stand Yang], but we need to be together! Someone has to control his anger!

Pair this with how Yang talks about being freed from Yin in the same episode.

Yang: You can’t tell me what to do! I’m independent now! I’m doing this challenge my way!

Yang: Well, it doesn’t matter what you think. I control my feelings now.

Now, what does that spell for the future? While in the end of the episode, Yin says they had a personal victory, this always rang hollow to me. It feels more like they pushed the argument out of the way to try and help Cabby. But what if this was a purposeful choice? What if the rift between the two hasn’t been fixed, but had a bandage put over it to be taken care of later?

When Yang is separated from Yin, one line always catches my attention.

Yang: Well, it doesn’t matter what you think. I control my feelings now.

Now, I find this interesting because throughout the series, Yang is very vocal about his feelings.Especially in season two, Yin doesn’t often say that Yang can’t feel things, letting him butt in when they speak. However, I did notice something else. He appears to hold physical control of the body.

While Yang is vocal about wanting to do certain things, he doesn’t seem to act on these urges often, instead resorting to just arguing with Yin about it. The instances where he does gain control, however, appear to be whenever he catches Yin off guard or is misleading him. For example…

Yang kicking the ball at their own goal (S2E5)

Yin’s response implies that Yin was not aware that they were kicking at their own goal, or was under the impression that Yang was misled.

Yang eating the pizza (S2E4)

Arguably Yang taking full control, as Yin should have been able to tell what he was about to do.

Yang picking up the bike to destroy the TV (S3E9)

Presumably, Yin allows this action, as he’s shown being more upset than Yang moments before.

Yang doesn’t know how to move Yin’s leg (S3E8)

If they’re conjoined and share the ability to move their body, shouldn’t Yang have known that Yin can’t move that leg very well?

Despite wanting to move in different directions, Yang is only able to move them to the left after punching Yin and presumably distracting him (S2E1)

Both their eyes were closed in this scene, so they may have both been disoriented

Pairing this with Yang’s demands to be respected, this is more of a minor point, but I felt it should be brought up regardless.

Now, don’t get me wrong.I don’t think Yin is evil or anything. I think that wouldn’t be a good direction for his character. What I do think is that Yin-Yang’s character arc is very unbalanced, and that it would be interesting to see Yin move in inverse to Yang. I think it would be interesting to see Yin at his worst, and for the two to reach a point of balance that involves participation from both parties. After all, connection is a two-way street.

——

Please forgive me if this is shitty, for one I’m trapped on iPad Hell and can’t format very well. Additionally, I just really wanted to get this out. I apologize if none of this makes sense, I tend to do better in chats haha…but thank you for reading!