#CHRIS IS EDDIES HEART AND HE TRUSTED BUCK WITH HIS HEART FROM THE MOMENT HE LET BUCK DRIVE HIM TO CHRIS' SCHOOL

[p4nishers]

i lied i dont actually lie sex put your clothes back on im going to explain how eddie diaz has been giving his heart to evan buckley since s2

[wellcollapse]

buddie is canonically romantic. to Me.

eddie was introduced to buck slow-motion style. buck tried to battle his inner bisexual rage for an entire episode but couldn’t stay angry at eddie’s pretty face for longer than twenty minutes — my guy folded the minute eddie extended that first olive branch. buck wistfully watched eddie and the little boy he would come to love as a son through a glass-paneled window not knowing that he’d eventually belong on the other side of that glass door. buck provided the solution to eddie’s very first on-screen struggle and wormed his way into eddie’s heart and home all in the span of one episode. without eddie asking him for any of it. buck called eddie attractive at least three times in season two alone. and then an elf called them gay and buck skipped away after hearing it. eddie gave buck the most precious thing in his life to cheer him up. and buck lost him. but eddie came back to him anyway and then gave him the second most precious thing — something he couldn’t even give his own wife — his trust. they had a lover’s spat in a grocery store. buck was treated like a grieving widow when eddie was buried underground. eddie’s memories of buck and chris were enough to pull him back from death’s cold embrace. eddie nearly bit buck's head off at the train derailment because he couldn’t stand the idea of buck risking his own life for abby. when eddie was shot, he spent the moment he thought would be his very last reaching out for his best friend. buck saved him. of course he did. eddie was planning to stick it out with a woman he knew he could never love and would never love until buck reminded him that he deserved better. buck got pistol-whipped after nearly going off on someone who threatened their eddie's child. eddie left the 118 and buck made out with his replacement. buck was in the room. buck's girlfriend talked to the woman he cheated on her with and buck never once bothered to intervene because he was too busy spending time with eddie. buck helped eddie patch up the holes in his wall. buck spent an entire season looking for the right couch to rest on and then passed out within seconds on eddie's couch. the right couch. buck was struck by lightning and eddie's hands brought him back to life. eddie couldn't look at buck while he was in a coma because it reminded him a little too much of losing his wife. but he brought christopher in anyway. of course he did. they went on a date where eddie stared at buck like he wanted to consume him. a little part of eddie died in that cemetery. eddie asked buck to perform Official Coparenting Duties with his son. buck uttered eddie's name eleven times in the episode where he discovered his bisexuality. buck was left at the curb on his first date with a man and his first priority was still the fact that he lied to his best friend. both of them actively looked like they wanted to die at the idea of nothing changing between them. eddie suggested matching couple's costumes. they sang what i like about you. buck ripped off eddie's shirt. eddie poured beer in his mouth. buck was the one to pull eddie out of the world that he tried to imagine with kim. their final scene of the season was the two of them. alone. together.

...who the hell is that? you can have my back any day. there's nobody in this world i trust with my son more than you. are you hurt? three minutes and seventeen seconds. comes in handy when you have a bunch of holes in your walls. you don’t have to tell me how great eddie is, i’ve known that since the first day i worked with him. what you always do. talk to him. you know how much christopher misses you? how could you. you're not around. i forgive you. you didn't end up like you. you act like you're expendable, but you're wrong. you were missed. thank you. for not giving up. he got the help he needed and that started with you. two cut lines. you don't have to be anything for anybody. can't you both be good cops? no. isn't that what we all want in a partner? knowing that they have your back? he’ll love you like we all do. i love you, i love you, i love you.

buck and eddie’s story is already a romance. regardless of their current relationship status in canon, their story is already a love story. and i wouldn't have it any other way.

[semperama]

#38 Buddie 😊😊😊

I got multiple requests for this one! Hope you enjoy! <3

"I like your laugh."

----

Eddie leans his head back against the wall and closes his eyes, filtering out everything but the sound of Buck’s voice in the next room.

“They said you had a weird laugh?” Buck is saying. Eddie is just out of sight in the hallway, the door cracked open so he can hear. “You don’t have a weird laugh, bud. I love your laugh.” A pause, a snort from Chris. “I mean it. It reminds me of your dad’s.”

“Dad almost never laughs,” Christopher says. Eddie’s heart seizes in his chest.

“Nuh-uh. I told an excellent bee pun at work earlier, and he was practically rolling on the floor.” The bed springs creak, and Eddie imagines Buck jostling Chris’s shoulder, ruffling his hair. “Also he loves to make you laugh.”

The first part might be an exaggeration, but the second part is true. Eddie remembers those early days after Shannon left, where every day felt like pushing a boulder up a hill. Being a father never came naturally to him, but when he made a funny face or a silly joke and Christopher threw his head back and giggled, it was like all the turmoil inside him went quiet for a while. It made him feel like less of a fuck-up.

“How do I stop the other guys from making fun of me though?” Chris asks.

Buck blows out a long breath. “You probably can’t,” he says, “and I know that sucks, but unfortunately kids are mean. Teenagers especially.” Eddie bites his lip, listening intently. “It just would suck more if you let a bunch of jerks keep you from being happy, right? If anything, you should laugh more. And louder. Really piss them off.” Buck lowers his voice to a stage whisper. “Don’t tell your dad I said that last part.”

And Chris does laugh, now. Eddie does too, his shoulders shaking silently. He has no idea what he did to deserve Buck, but he’s thankful for it every damn day.

“Now. Homework?” Buck asks.

“Finished,” Chris answers.

“Hmm, I’ll let Dad verify that one.” Eddie’s stomach flips at that, Buck calling him “Dad” like they’re—like they— “Love you, kid,” Buck says, and Eddie barely has time to pull himself together before Buck is there, stepping out into the hall with a satisfied grin on his face.

Eddie puts a finger to his lips and tilts his head toward the kitchen, and Buck rolls his eyes but follows after him. It takes that long for Eddie to breath through the wobbly feeling in his chest anyway, to be able to speak without his voice coming out rough with emotion.

“Thanks, man,” he says. “I don’t know why he wouldn’t talk to me.”

The wounds from the summer are still fresh—Chris’s firmly shut door, the way he wouldn’t even look at Eddie before he left, the weeks of radio silence. Some days, Eddie’s not sure if things will ever go back to normal, if Christopher will ever really trust him again. It seems like they’re healing, but then there are days like today, where it’s one step forward, two steps back.

“I think he’s just at that age where it’s really uncool to open up to your parents about anything,” Buck says with a shrug. “I’m like, the older friend or fun uncle or whatever. Less threatening.”

Buck shoots him a tight smile and starts to move past him toward the fridge, but Eddie gets a hand around his bicep, stopping him. “That’s not what you are, Buck,” he says. His breath catches in his throat, and he has to swallow hard to clear it. “You know that, right?”

Judging by the way he looks down at the floor, he doesn’t know it. And that’s just—that’s not acceptable. Eddie has been trying to tell him for years. After the tsunami. After the shooting. And all these little moments too—family dinners and outings and Buck always, always being the first one either of them calls when something goes wrong. He’s not just their friend—his and Chris's. He’s their rock.

“Eddie,” Buck says, but Eddie hooks a thumb under his chin, makes him look up again.

“That’s not what you are,” he says, then presses his mouth to Buck’s before he can argue.

It’s the most terrifying moment of Eddie’s life for about three seconds, Bucks’s sharp intake of breath and tense shoulders, Buck grip tight on his waist. But then, just as Eddie’s about to jerk away and apologize, Buck sinks into it, softening, arm curling around Eddie’s shoulders to pull him closer.

Eddie makes an embarrassing sound, relief and desire and gratitude all rolled up into one. Buck’s soft mouth and strong arms, his comforting presence in this house and in their lives, his infinite capacity to care for others—it’s more than Eddie thought he’d ever get to have for himself, but he knew he wouldn’t find it anywhere else either. To have it now, pouring into his outstretched hands—he almost stops breathing. He’s so happy, so fucking in love with him.

“Gross,” says a voice from behind Buck, and they jump apart, startled, wheeling around to see Chris grinning at them from the doorway. “Get a room.”

“Uh,” Buck says eloquently.

“Christopher,” Eddie says, not much better. His mouth is tingling and he wants to lift his hand to it, touch it to make sure this is all really happening.

“Can we get pizza tonight?” Chris asks, and it’s a blatant ploy to take advantage of the situation—they had pizza two nights ago, and Eddie tries to care a little more about his nutrition than that—but Eddie looks at Buck, and Buck shrugs, and Eddie shrugs back, and they say, “Sure,” in unison.

“Great,” Chris says, and then disappears again.

Eddie stands stunned for a long moment, but when he looks at Buck again, Buck is laughing, his body quaking silently, his hand half-covering his face. I love your laugh too, Eddie thinks. Buck collapses back against the fridge like he needs it to hold him up, and Eddie moves into his space again, hand settling on his hip, grin creeping across his mouth.

“Still think you’re the fun uncle?” he asks, and Buck looks up at the ceiling and groans, “Oh my God.”

Eddie kisses his jaw, his cheek, cranes his neck to brush his lips over Buck’s birthmark. “I was going to ask you to stay for dinner anyway,” he says, cradling Buck’s face in his palm and sweeping his thumb across his cheekbone. “But now I think you should just stay forever.”

“Oh yeah?” Buck asks with obvious delight.

“Yeah,” Eddie says, and kisses him again. This, here, is where Buck belongs.

[epicbuddieficrecs]

Weekly Recap | March 18th-24th 2024

It's a long one today folks! I hope you enjoy! :) If you know anyone who's not tagged, don't hesitate to let me know!

idk 'bout you but I can't wait for the final part of the premiere on Thursday!!! 😃

Complete

anything that is beautiful, people want to break. by dylaesthetics (Post-Coma, Trans Buck | 3K | Teen): Buck has never meant to keep it a secret from the one-eighteen. Hell, he trusts them with much more gritty, uncomfortable stuff than that. It’s more like… It hasn’t come up. There’s been no reason for it to come up. But then he gets struck by lightning and the mix-up with his medical records happens. A nurse he hasn’t seen yet barges into Buck’s hospital room, with his entire family in it, blood and found alike, and stares at him for one dumbfounded moment before blurting out a name he hasn’t been addressed by in well over eight years. 

not flesh and blood but the heart by Jinko / @jinkohhh (Post-S6, Getting Together | 10K | Explicit): Five times people assumed Chris was Buck's son + one time Eddie confirmed it.

🔥 don’t wanna let you love somebody else but me by fleetinghearts/ @shitouttabuck (S7 Spec, Bachelor Party, Pretend Relationship | 14K | Teen): or, chris wants dating advice and it turns out taking your best friend on a pretend date to practice being as romantic as possible is not a good idea in theory or in practice, considering the pesky being-in-unrequited-love of it all

A Little Bit of the Bubbly by Jinko/ @jinkohhh (Post-S6, PWP, Getting Together | 7K | Explicit): Since turning 30, Buck's relationship with champagne has changed. It also manages to change his relationship with Eddie.

washed away (but not) by Jinko / @jinkohhh (S7 Spec | 3K | Teen): “Well, this is awkward.” Every part of Buck wanted to tell Chim to go fuck himself, but he couldn’t, so he didn’t. Nothing made a situation more awkward than pointing out the awkwardness of it. “So which one of you two made the deathbed love confession?” Ravi laughed, and frankly, Ravi could go fuck himself, too. The both of them could go fuck themselves because both Chimney and Ravi were correct.

i like the way you scratch my itch by oklahoma/ @sunshinediaz (BTHB: Hives | 3K | Teen): Buck’s big blue eyes sparkle. “You’re so cute, did you know that?” he asks, leaning close enough Eddie can count the small red-brown-orange freckles all across his nose. “Even when you’re red from poison ivy.” Red. Red from the poison ivy. Yeah, yep, that’s exactly what he’s so red for. Absolutely.

meet you in the middle. by dylaesthetics (Getting Together | 2K | Teen): OR buck and eddie get their shit together during a regular friday movie night at the diaz house.

🔥 Even in Winter There is Eranthis by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels / @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Hades/Persephone AU | 45K | Explicit): Buck is supposedly a god. Supposedly. But he's got no idea what his domain is or what role he plays in Olympus. When he meets Christopher, a young boy lost and trying to find his father, he helps Chris get home - and ends up accidentally binding himself to the Underworld. Now bound to Eddie, the god of the dead, Buck must spend half the year with him in the Underworld while winter reigns above. But even as something grows between them, there are still trials to endure. Just because the gods are not mortal... does not mean they cannot die.

🔥 My Blood on Your Skin (My Rose on Your Snow) by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Mythological AU, BDSM | 80K | Explicit): When Eddie needs cash and fast to take care of Christopher, his LAFD Academy buddy suggests a job as a bouncer at Elysium - an exclusive sex club in downtown Los Angeles. Eddie doesn't care what goes on there, so long as he's paid, but he finds he cares a lot bout the club's enigmatic owner, Evan Buckley, and it's not long before the two of them are violating every boss-employee rule in the book. But there's something different about Buck and the club, something not quite... human. If Eddie wants to keep Buck, he's going to have to delve into the world of immortals, and all the risks that implies.

and check out the amazing podfic!! 🔥 My Blood on Your Skin (My Rose on Your Snow) by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels [Podfic] by Rhea314 (Rhea)/ @rhea314

hold tight, you’re slowly coming back to life by bucksclipboard/ @excuseme-greentea (S7E01 Coda, Getting Together | 3K | Teen): Eddie runs into Natalia at the grocery store. He learns something about her and Buck’s breakup that gives him the final push to take care of his own complicated love life.

🔥 miracles under your sighs and moans by napricot (Sex Pollen, PWP | 21K | Explicit): When Eddie gets exposed to an experimental aphrodisiac on a call, he realizes there’s only one person he trusts to help him get through it: Buck.

Touch Me and I'll Scream by rogerzsteven/ @rogerzsteven (BTHB: Unhealthy Coping Mecanisms, Established Buddie | 5K | Mature): At his low, Buck uses rough sex as a way of self harm.

in another life by bellabrady (Coma AU | 2K | Not Rated): Or: Buck's in a coma and dreams of a life where Daniel never died and he never became a firefighter.

Locations by rogerzsteven/ @rogerzsteven (BTHB: Vomiting, Drowning | 4K | General): In which Buck drowns.

I was born to take care of you by Beulaugh/ @if-music-be-the-food-of-love (Getting Together | 3K | Mature): Buck has a revelation at work and then promptly falls on his face. Eddie Diaz's ass: 1, Evan Buckley: 0

hold the silence. by dylaesthetics (Post-S6 | 3K | Teen): OR while looking for clothes to donate, Buck stumbles upon the shirt he was wearing when Eddie got shot.

Tomorrow we can drive around this town by lamardeuse/ @lamardeuse (S7 Spec, Drunk Eddie | 4K | Mature): If Eddie had been sober, he would have realized it wasn't something to be happy about. But drunk as he was, it had the blood singing in his veins, because Buck was going home with him, not Tommy. Tommy could go fuck himself – or you know, anyone else who was willing, but not Evan Buckley. Because Eddie was a pathetic, sloppy drunk and his best friend had a responsibility to make sure he didn't choke on his own vomit or drown himself in the bathroom sink.

sang to the sea for feelings deep blue by Tizniz/ @tizniz (S7 Spec, Cruise Ship Emergency | 14K | General): God, he hopes Buck got out. That he isn’t trying to get to Eddie. That he gets to go home. And not just because Christopher needs him, although he does since Eddie is fairly certain he’s not making it home this time. He doesn’t let himself dwell too long on that thought. No, Eddie wants Buck to go home because he deserves it. Because Buck deserves to live. Because Eddie needs him to live.

you've got game by browney3dgirl6/ @hoodie-buck (S7E01 Coda, Established Buddie | 1K | General): a silly little late night conversation about chris being a 'ladies man'

take this life and make it yours (take this heart and let it love again) by Maira/ @carrierofthepaperclips (Canon Divergent, Post-Coma | 31K | Mature): Before he could second guess it, he’d dialled Eddie’s number and listened to it ring in his ear. As soon as he heard the click of the connection, he said, “Eddie, what the hell, man?” “I meant what I said. I don’t know who you think you are, but call this number again and I will contact the police.” . . . or, the one where Buck finally figures out he's in love with Eddie, only for things to not go as planned. At first.

if i bleed, you'll be the last to know by heartbeatdiaz/ @loserdiaz (S7, Hurt Buck | 6K | Teen): buck gets stabbed while out on a run and then... doesn't tell anyone about it. eddie loses his shit when he finds out, they have a moment in the kitchen and they kiss.... not necessarily in that order.

Baby, take me by 42hrb / @exhuastedpigeon (S7E01 Coda, Getting Together | 4K | Explicit): “Same thing,” Eddie nuzzled him, stubble scratching even more as he moved his face. When he stopped nuzzling, he pulled back far enough that he could see Buck’s face. “I said stop thinking.” “Kinda hard to turn my brain off.” “Pretty sure I turned it off just fine last night,” Eddie said with a smirk that went straight to Buck’s cock, already half hard just from the way Eddie’s stubble is dragging across his skin. “Is that how I get you to stop thinking?”

when you call me yours by browney3dgirl6/ @hoodie-buck (Established Buddie, Proposal | 5K | General): Buck starts calling Eddie his husband. Only problem...they're not engaged. aka the 5 times Buck refers to Eddie as his husband and the 1 time Eddie makes it true.

just lay back in my arms for one more night by diazbegins/ @evanbegins (Established Buddie, Fluff | 2K | Teen): Buck loves Eddie as he naps.

Brat Burrito by Tizniz/ @tizniz (Established Buddie | 1K | General): Just a cute Buddie moment about breakfast burritos.

it's a sliding into home kind of day by devirnis/ @devirnis (PWP | 3K | Explicit): Eddie’s eyes still don’t leave the television. Frowning to himself, Buck cranes his neck to get a look at what could possibly be more important than him coming home after covering a tragically Eddie-less shift. A baseball game evidently is the answer.

your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep by BekkaChaos/ @bekkachaos (New Years Eve, Getting Together | 8K | Teen): aka, Eddie's in love with Buck and he doesn't know how to tell him, until there's a miscommunication and fate (well, Hen) intervenes.

Loose Threads by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Secret Relationship | 3K | Explicit): New to dating and keeping it quiet, Buck and Eddie get a little carried away on a slower shift at the firehouse. But when the alarm eventually sounds, a spur of the moment mistake leaves them a little mixed up.

Married Life by buddiefication (pumpkincreamcoldbrew)/ @911onabc (S5, Getting Together | 2K | General): Taylor films Buck for a TikTok challenge, and Buck finds out he would much rather be his best friend’s husband than his girlfriend’s.

A Seal By Any Other Name (Would Still Be My Best Friend) by bigfootsmom (Seal!Buck, Post-Tsunami | 5K | General): Evan "Buck" Buckley is a collection of oddities. But they're just what makes Buck Buck and Eddie loves him for them. Eddie had thought that after their years of friendship (and maybe something more) that nothing Buck could do would surprise him anymore. But there is one oddity that Eddie never saw coming. “How about you start with why there was a seal in my bathtub and now there’s just you in my bathtub.” (Part 1 of Seal!Buck as in the aquatic mammal)

Just Add Water by bigfootsmom (Seal!Buck, Tsunami | 3K | General): There may be more to Buck than meets the eye. But he's still only human(ish) and getting stuck in a natural disaster with his best friend's son is still all sorts of terrifying. A small hysterical part of his brain thinks about how ironic it would be if this was how he died. Him, a mythical aquatic creature, drowning. The universe would surely laugh and the long line of Buckley ancestors would turn in their graves. (Part 2 of Seal!Buck as in the aquatic mammal)

you can be my daddy (come on, you know you like) by bigfootsmom (Getting Together, Daddy Kink | 4K | Mature): Buck has a teeny tiny problem. One, he's in love with his best friend. Two, he wants to call said best friend Daddy.

It's the softness that breaks you by bigfootsmom (BDSM, Hurt/Comfort | 6K | Explicit): Or the one where Buck has more issues with intimacy than he had originally thought.

lay your love on me by bigfootsmom (PWP, Getting Together | 3K Explicit): Buck never thought the words he said to Eddie in the kitchen would ever come back to haunt him like this. Honestly, he’s not complaining.

you made me feel (i've got nothing to hide) by bigfootsmom (Virgin!Buck, Established Buddie, PWP | 8K | Explicit): Buck has a secret: Contrary to popular belief, Evan "Buck" Buckley is actually a virgin.

WIP

🔥 Right Where You Left Me by hyacinthusbloom/ @thebloomingheather (Canon Divergent, Post-S4, Angst | 22/? | 162K | Explicit | ❗️Warning: Rape/Non-con): "Therapy?" Eddie suggests. Buck almost laughs, but instead says, "I'll go if you go." Because he had fully expected him to be chicken shit, to disagree, and instead Eddie, the bastard, replies, "Deal." Or Buck never tells anyone that he slept with his therapist and deals with the butterfly effect years later.

🔥 Any Other Way by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Canon Divergent, S2 | 6/18 | 37K | Mature): In a switcheroo alternate universe, Buck spends young adulthood in the military, while Eddie, who has no idea Christopher exists, spends his twenties messing around, finally enjoying freedom away from his family’s expectations. When they both end up in Los Angeles, at the 118, some things are different, and others will be the same in any universe.

🔥 Things We're All Too Young to Know by Daisies_and_Briar / @cal-daisies-and-briars (Canon S1-S6, S7 Spec | 122/? | 374K | Mature): This is a love story. Even if it doesn’t always look like it. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. A look back on Eddie and Buck's lives up to now, and what led them to each other, interpreted from the current 9-1-1 canon.

[megalony]

Stay With Me

This is an Eddie Diaz imagine, requested by the lovely @klovesreading, I hope you all like it. Feedback is always lovely.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem@sj-thefanthefan@hellsdragon@im-an-adult-ish@crazylittlethingg@allauraleigh@onceuponadetectivedemigod@ceres27@avyannadawn@noonenuts@sleepylunarwolf@coverupps@justagirlthatlovedtoread @musicistheway @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 @luula @missdreamofendless @bradleybeachbabe @woderfulkawaii @topguncultleader @amberpanda99 @daggersquadphantom @marvel-and-chicago-fan @angryknightstatesmantrash @minjix @lyjen @kmc1989 @itsmytimetoodream

911 Masterlist

Summary: After an argument with Eddie, (Y/n) picks up an extra shift at work. Both of them wish she didn't when she gets shot on duty.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Y/n) hauled off Eddie's hoodie that she had been wearing all afternoon and slung it over the back of the dining room chair before she headed through into the kitchen. It felt strange to have the house deathly quiet and barely alive like this. But she had just taken Chris to spend the night with Evan since they hadn't had a lot of time together recently and Chris was starting to miss his uncle Buck.

She loved Chris to death, he had quickly wormed his way into her heart and when he started to call (Y/n) mum, it was the best day of her life. She wasn't used to having the house this quiet without him playing his video games or dancing away to music. But it would be nice to have a night with Eddie without having to worry if Chris could hear them or if he was alright and check what he was doing.

She knew he was with Evan and having the time of his life; whenever her brother came round Chris never wanted him to leave. Last week he went as far as having a meltdown when Evan had to go on shift and leave them. At least he didn't have to be upset this time, he could spend the full night with 'his Buck' and (Y/n) knew Eddie was relieved that Chris's first night away from home- other than being with his grandparents- was with someone they both trusted.

Rounding the kitchen counter, (Y/n) tiredly looked in the fridge, trying to decide if she was actually hungry or not. She had been feeling sick today and the past few days she had no energy, even when she was at work all she wanted to do was go home to bed.

(Y/n) could hear that Eddie had put the tv on in the living room a few minutes ago when he came home and she guessed he would soon be looking for a movie to watch together. With his work pattern, whenever Eddie got an evening or a day off, he binged a few good movies because he didn't have a lot of free time to watch movies. Other than the same five cartoon movies Chris was currently obsessed with.

"When did you get this?"

Pulling away from the fridge, (Y/n) heaved it shut with a sigh and turned on her heels to look over at Eddie.

Her eyes raked over his frame, noticing the way his hair was brushed back on his head and curling up at the ends like he had run it through with wax. He was wearing a dark grey sleeveless shirt and his body was leaning up against the kitchen doorway. His arms were crossed over his chest and for a second, (Y/n) wasn't sure what he was referring to, until her eyes landed on the small box he had put on the counter in front of him.

A pregnancy test.

"Oh, uh, I don't know, last week maybe?" She leaned forward on the counter and arched her back out with her arms folded in front of her.

(Y/n) had bought so many pregnancy tests this last year that she couldn't remember when she got most of them. Usually when she thought she had one in the bathroom cupboard, she went and found she'd already used it and had to go for another. That was probably a spare one she'd bought on the off chance of needing it.

It was a sore subject to talk about at the moment.

A whole year they had been trying. A year of wanting to get pregnant and coming up empty handed with a lot of false positives. Chris had become (Y/n)'s child as much as Eddie's when they got married, he was calling and referring to her as his mum and (Y/n) was in the process of adopting him. But it didn't stop her wanting to have a baby of her own.

She yearned to have a baby and see Eddie with a baby in his arms and Eddie had as much baby fever as (Y/n), but nothing was going to plan. (Y/n) was pregnant two months after they got married but it hadn't been straight forward. (Y/n) thought she might have been pregnant, she had a suspicion but before she could take a test or book a doctor's appointment, she woke in the night with horrid cramps and found out she'd miscarried without really knowing she was pregnant.

That was as close as she came to being pregnant. For the year that they had been trying, nothing had happened and (Y/n) didn't know what to do with herself or how to get out of the slump it was putting her in.

"I thought we agreed not to do any more tests for a while?" Eddie uncrossed his arms and crossed the kitchen to reach her but he hated the glum, broken look in (Y/n)'s eyes when she looked up at him.

Without replying, (Y/n) simply shrugged and started to tangle her fingers together. She didn't acknowledge Eddie's hand on her lower back because she knew where this conversation was going to go. All she did was tilt her head to the right when Eddie's lips merged with her neck and she let herself melt into the feeling, just for a while.

"Mi amor?"

"I wasn't intending on using it, not yet anyway." She didn't remember when she bought it, she had on intentions of sitting and looking at a negative test.

"That's what you said before," Eddie rolled his lips together and took a deep breath when (Y/n) shrugged out of his touch and turned to face him with one elbow leant on the counter.

"That's not funny."

"I'm not trying to joke. We said we wouldn't take any more tests after last time."

Eddie didn't want to come home and find (Y/n) slumped on the floor, staring into the void of a negative test. Unable to move, unsure what to say. If she wanted to do a test Eddie would rather (Y/n) do it when he was home with her but that being said, he didn't want to take any more tests. Not unless they were dead certain they were within a chance of having a positive.

He was sick of seeing the negatives on the test and watching a little piece of (Y/n) break each time they took a test. Eddie would rather forget about tests all together and forget that they were trying for a baby. If they didn't overthink this, then maybe they would have a baby without having to focus and try so hard.

"And we're not." (Y/n) dragged her fingers through her hair, brushing the strands further back on her head and out of her eyes. She moved away from the counter and grabbed the dreaded test that had become her enemy rather than her friend.

"Good."

"Why is that good?" She couldn't drag her eyes away from the test to look over at Eddie. Just this once, (Y/n) wished she could tear it open, try the test and have it come back positive.

Just this once. Was she really asking too much by wanting a baby?

"Because I don't like seeing you break down every time we get a test. Hide the damn thing and forget about it. We might get lucky without all the pressure." Eddie leaned back, using his quick reflexes to catch the test when (Y/n) tossed it his way. If he wanted to hide it, he could go ahead and they would see if his relaxed way would go down well or not.

(Y/n) clamped her hand down on her hip and leaned her other side into the counter. Her eyes watched her husband with intrigue as he tossed the test from one hand to the other like it was burning hot and scolding his skin. But her heart dropped down to her stomach when she noticed him glance towards the bin. It was a quick, swift movement, barely noticeable, but (Y/n) saw. She almost expected him to toss the test in the bin but he settled on throwing it on the top shelf in the medicine cupboard.

"May as well forget about it, we won't need it."

His words were like a knife puncturing through (Y/n)'s stomach and she could feel bile creeping up the back of her throat as her stomach twisted and clenched.

"Why would you say that?" The pain in (Y/n)'s eyes matched the croak in her voice and she furiously rubbed her sleeve against her eyes to stop herself from crying. She had cried enough, she wasn't in the mood to break down about this, again.

It hurt more than Eddie could comprehend that when he and Shannon had Chris, they hadn't been trying for a baby. Chris was the reason they got married, both being Catholics and raised with the installed thought of 'doing the right thing.' Chris was a surprise, the best kind, he and Shannon didn't have to try for a year to have a baby and Shannon took that and the family she had, for granted.

And here (Y/n) was, married to the man who stole her heart from the first moment they met. She loved him and Chris and they had their own little family together, but (Y/n) couldn't seem to catch a break when it came to a baby. They had done things the way Eddie's family would have wanted, marriage first, then children. But none were arriving.

(Y/n)'s teeth started to grind down together when Eddie stared across at her with those big doe eyes that were full of panic and fright.

He hadn't meant to say that outloud.

"No, baby I didn't mean it like that."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't." His hands moved to clamp down on his hips and his head tilted to the side as he looked at her with a hardened, unhappy expression. "We don't need a fucking test right now, we need to stop panicking. We have time and it'll either happen or it won't."

He didn't like the way (Y/n) scoffed and her lips curled into a snarky smile. Why could he not see this from her perspective?

"Why not just give up, hm? Shannon didn't even have to try to have Chris and I've been with you almost five years and all I get is a false positive and then a miscarriage. Clearly it's not happening."

"That's not what I'm saying. Do you think I enjoy seeing you upset like this? I'm sick of seeing you so broken and not being able to do anything about it. At least whenever Shannon did a test she didn't cry when it was negative,"

"Well it's a fucking shame you married me, Edmundo."

Eddie knew he had taken it too far the moment he spoke and hearing his full name from (Y/n) only made him cringe and back up into the counter. He hated the way she said his name. He knew he well and truly fucked up when (Y/n) croaked his name like that and had to fight back tears from his crudeness.

He didn't mean it.

Tears welled up in the corners of Eddie's eyes when (Y/n) bypassed him, moving as far to the counter as she could so even her arm didn't brush his chest an inch. And panic bubbled up in Eddie's chest when he watched his wife barge through the dining room, grab her bag from the table and march towards the front door.

What was she doing? Where was she going? He didn't want her to leave, he wanted to stay and talk and make up for the stupid things he had just said that he well and truly didn't mean.

"Wait- where are you going?" The panic in his voice almost made (Y/n) crumble. Almost.

With her jacket slung over her arm and her bag on her shoulder, (Y/n) grabbed her keys and unlocked the door.

"I'm going to work."

"You're not on shift. Baby don't leave, I'm sorry I didn't mean it-"

"I'll pick up the night shift and pray I won't be such a cry baby by morning." When the door slammed shut behind her, Eddie slumped his back into the wall and let himself slide down to the floor with a thud.

What had he done?

***

"Are you okay?"

(Y/n) slumped down in her seat and leaned her head against the window that felt cold and soothing against her burning temple. Night shifts always caught her off guard, they didn't make her feel great when most of her shifts were day shifts since Eddie did a fair few nights.

Every time she went onto a night shift, (Y/n) felt like she was going to collapse the moment she got home and she could never sleep during the day which made her feel even worse. But being on shift was preferable to being at home with Eddie and either sitting in silence or carrying on the argument.

"Just tired,"

"Hm. Makes sense that you'd pick up the late shift if you're tired." Athena tilted her head to the side and gave (Y/n) a knowing look, sporting her signature, calming smile.

Since moving down to LA with Evan, the siblings both felt like Athena and Bobby had taken them under their wings and become their surrogate parents. Bobby looked out for Evan at the station and was always there for him outside of the station when he needed him. And when (Y/n) became a cop, she had Athena to look out for her and be there when she needed a shoulder to lean on.

"I'd just rather be anywhere else right now." There was no point divuldging why she was here and not back at home on her day off. It was easier to try and forget the reason why she wasn't going home yet and pray that in the morning, the atmosphere would be gone by the time she walked through the door.

A bolt of relief surged through (Y/n) when the radio went off, asking for assistance. She needed something to focus her mind on because she wasn't the one driving tonight. Driving the streets aimlessly was something she and Eddie did when they or Chris couldn't sleep and it was only going to make (Y/n) break down and want to go back home.

"Anyone available to assist in a house call? Neighbours are reporting raised voices and items being thrown."

"This is Seven-two-seven-L-thirty, responding."

(Y/n) looked across at Athena as she shimmied up and sat up straight in her seat to try and liven herself up. It was strange to see Athena without her usual sunglasses she always wore when she was on shift, but she didn't wear them out on a night shift. It tended to give people the wrong impression and they didn't exactly help.

"Off we go," (Y/n) heaved herself out the car and stretched, clicking her back into place as she shut the door behind her.

As soon as she was on her feet, (Y/n) felt like the cold air was wrapping her up and suffocating her. Her stomach was still churning from earlier and she was sweating despite the cool midnight breeze.

"The side gates open, I'll take a look."

(Y/n) nodded and watched Athena move away from the path towards the right side of the house. The gate was swinging open in the wind, creaking back and forth which wasn't alarming but it could be something to worry about.

With a deep breath, (Y/n) followed the narrow path up to the front door and tried to peek into the window to see if there were any lights on or any sound of noise. The neighbours called in raised voices and items being thrown about but the house was deadly quiet right now.

"Police, could you open the door please? We're here for a welfare check." (Y/n) knocked on the door three times before she leaned towards the window when she heard some movement. "Open the door please." She tried again with another round of knocking but whoever was inside was now rummaging around. They weren't going to open up.

A sigh passed her lips as she took a few steps away from the door and moved back onto the path. Her hand curled around her radio and she did a sweep around the quiet street.

"Athena, any luck round back? I might check in with the neighbours- oh, someone's opening up."

When the door unlocked and creaked open, (Y/n) walked back up the steps but she stopped short when a woman shot out the door. She collided into (Y/n)'s shoulder, pushing her back and causing her to twist on her feet as she regained her balance. Falling on the pavement wasn't going to do her any favours tonight.

"Miss- miss wait-"

(Y/n) scrunched her hand around the girl's sleeve and tried in vain to stop her bolting away and rushing down the empty street. But just as her hand left the girl's shoulder, everything seemed to stop when a shot rang through the air.

At first, she thought Athena had come through the house and was trying to apprehend someone. It didn't dawn on (Y/n) that it was someone else in the house shooting until a blinding, horrifying pain coursed through her left shoulder.

Her body tilted backwards and she managed to stay upright for three wobbling steps back while her right hand moved to press to her shoulder without thinking. Blood soaked into her palm. The touch on her shoulder made it ignite in white hot pain. No air went in or out of her lungs and her knees caved in on her.

She didn't reach the floor before another shot imbedded in her left thigh just before her back hit the ground.

Her head smashed into the pavement, sending her vision black with little white spots like the stars had fell down to Earth and were dancing in front of her eyes.

The collision seemed to act as a button that turned her hearing off. All (Y/n) could hear was static. It was buzzing in her ears, ringing around in her head and worsening the way her body was shaking when she couldn't hear what was going on. Her eyes wouldn't focus on anything but the flashing stars blinking in front of her. How could she protect herself if all she could see were stars and all she could hear was blinding, buzzing background static.

(Y/n) couldn't help herself if the gunman came outside and tried to shoot at her or the civilian who most probably had fled the street by now. She couldn't protect Athena if she didn't know what was going on or where (Y/n) and the shooter were.

All she could do was lie there like prey, giving in and ready to be killed for sport.

"Shots fired! Officer down I need immediate back up and an ambulance to my location now!" Athena slumped down on her knees, dragging her eyes over (Y/n)'s frame. She had handcuffed the shooter to the radiator in the doorway after she entered the house through the open back door.

She could feel Athena's hand briefly grab hers to let her know who it was beside her and that she was safe.

"(Y/n), can you hear me? You just stay with me, help is on the way."

Something akin to a gurgling scream burned at the back of (Y/n)'s throat when she felt something tight strap around her thigh somewhere near the wounded area. She couldn't pinpoint where she had been shot. Her leg was tingling from her hip bone all the way down to her toes that were cold and numb in her boots.

Her head turned to the side and her hands blindly reached out while her vision slowly started to come back to her. She could just about see Athena hovering over her and she soon realised Athena had used her belt as a turniquet around her thigh to prevent the blood loss. As soon as she pulled it tighter, (Y/n) screamed and thrashed her upper body down against the concrete.

Everything started to shake. Each breath she took made her chest shudder and spit foamed at her mouth as she pushed her breaths through gritted teeth that were puncturing down into her tongue.

Everything burned. Everything hurt. She was trapped in a body that was on fire and tearing itself apart.

Why did she bother coming on shift tonight? Why didn't she stay home with Eddie? An argument wasn't worth getting shot at, she should have talked things out with him.

He begged her to stay, why didn't she stay?

"Stay with me, sweetie, stay with me."

Tears stained (Y/n)'s face and burned into her skin like acid when both Athena's hands pressed down on her shoulder. She couldn't tie anything around her arm or chest as a turniquet, all Athena could do was apply as much pressure as she could to slow down the bleeding until paramedics came to help.

The pressure made (Y/n) choke and she reached a hand out, fumbling around until she could curl her fingers around Athena's wrist.

"Eddie. Eddie."

"Sweetie let's focus on getting some medics here-"

"Eddie!"

She screamed her husband's name at the top of her lungs until she saw Athena grapple with one hand to fish her phone out of her pocket. She had to keep (Y/n) calm or else she was going to go into shock and that wouldn't do her any favours when she had two gunshot wounds.

Blood smeared onto her phone when she swiped a shaky finger across the screen and scrolled down to Eddie's contact. As soon as she clicked on his name, she returned both hands to (Y/n)'s shoulder and pushed down as hard as she could until it felt like her hands were going to burst through (Y/n)'s body.

"Athena? Everything okay?" Eddie's confused voice came through the speaker and just the tone of his voice made (Y/n)'s head loll to the right towards the phone, wishing he was here instead of on the other end of the line.

Sirens wailed in the distance before she could answer and it made her jaw clench. She shouldn't be calling Eddie yet, it was too early when all the attention needed to be focused on (Y/n), but if she didn't, she had a feeling (Y/n) would become very hard to calm and control.

"Eddie I need you to listen carefully. (Y/n)'s been involved in an accident, you need to meet us at Mercy hospital."

"No, no what kind of accident? Is she okay?!"

"Eddie," (Y/n)'s eyes dazed around in circles, unable to focus on anything except the sound of her husband's panicked voice. His name slipped past her lips again, but much quieter this time and (Y/n) found she couldn't hear his response, or anything Athena was trying to shout at her.

"(Y/n), honey you stay with me now, help is here. Eddie meet us at the hospital." She ended the call, swallowing down the guilt consuming every inch of her being when the last thing she heard was Eddie's scream of protest. She couldn't have him on the phone when she could feel (Y/n)'s pulse was starting to fade. They had to get her to the hospital and Eddie would have to drown in the same panic as Athena until he got there.

***

This had to be the one. This was the third ambulance Eddie had seen pull into the parking bay just at the side of the emergency room entrance. He hastily parked his car as close as he could get and stood to the side of the ambulance entrance to the hospital. Eddie knew if he went through the reception in the emergency room he would be pushed to the side and would have to wait for hours in agony.

Whereas if he waited here, he could see Athena and (Y/n) come through the emergency room and he could stay with them that way.

Two ambulances had parked up since Eddie got here and neither of them had brought in his wife. He was starting to lose the feeling in his fingers and feet and at any moment he was sure he would throw up. If he hadn't of started the argument, (Y/n) wouldn't have gone on shift and she wouldn't have been hurt somehow.

The only silver lining here was that Chris was staying with Evan for the night. Eddie didn't have to panic and flutter about finding someone to look after Chris and waste time driving around. He had been able to get straight in the car and drive down to the hospital.

Eddie looked down to his phone again, desperate to call Athena but he knew better. His eyes flitted between his phone and the latest ambulance and he took two steps closer when the back doors opened.

Bingo.

"Athena!" He slipped his phone back into his pocket and skidded across the path to reach them, growling when one of the medics tried to push him back.

"Sir stand back-"

"That's my wife!" Both Eddie's hands moved to tangle in his hair and he started to yank harshly on the strands, feeling a few hairs coming loose between his fingers. His elbows pressed out at his sides and each breath started to run away from him when he realised what they were doing.

One of the medics was stood on the side of the stretcher, hands interlocked, arms straight, pushing compressions down on (Y/n)'s chest. Her heart had stopped.

There was an airbag attached to her mouth and nose, pushing each breath she needed through her system. Eddie spied a turniquet on her left leg and a bundle of gauze and rolls of bandage wrapped around her upper thigh that were starting to turn crimson. Another medic was stood on the other side, applying pressure and a large wad of gauze down onto (Y/n)'s left shoulder but the blood was everywhere. Soaked into her shirt, smeared up her neck, lathering the medic's hands and wrists.

Blood was splattered all over Athena. Her shirt, her hands all the way upto her elbows. A few droplets were even dotted on her cheek from back splash when she tried to stem the bleeding.

Eddie's feet were moving before he could comprehend what was happening and suddenly he and Athena were bolting inside down the hall after the gurney. They stopped only when the gurney travelled down a restricted corridor and the pair of them were left waiting, helpless in an empty corridor.

"What happened?"

"We were doing a welfare check… a woman fled the house and the husband open fired on the lawn. We didn't know he had a gun, there was nothing we could do."

"S-someone, shot her?"

He wasn't sure why, but gunshots didn't cross his mind when he saw the blood and the gauze padded onto his wife. He thought of knife wounds or a car accident. Eddie was married to a cop and a gunshot didn't even cross his mind.

He had to call Evan. And Maddie. He needed to find someone who would be able to watch Chris so Evan could come down to the hospital, he wouldn't be persuaded otherwise once Eddie called him and told him the news. (Y/n)'s siblings were the closest people to her, they were her world, the people who raised her when their parents couldn't. They would want to be here, waiting with Eddie for news.

What had he done? Why did he let her leave?

***

A groan tumbled past Eddie's lips and he slowly brought a hand up to his eyes, rubbing forcefully to try and wake himself up and take a look around. He could of cried when he realised he was in the same spot he had been hours ago. He wasn't waking up from this nightmare, he was trapped.

The moment he tilted his head up, his neck clicked into place and sent a shudder running down the base of his spine. His legs were numb and tingling, stretched out in front of him and his back was aching from falling asleep on the floor, leant up against the wall.

The chairs had been too uncomfy to sit on for long and when a panic attack took over him, Eddie curled up on the floor and hadn't moved since.

He stretched his arms above his head but when his eyes locked on a doctor aiming his way, Eddie jumped to attention. He stood up on wobbling legs and braced himself back against the wall with his hands clasped together in front of him. In the time it took the doctor to walk across the corridor to him, Eddie's hands were dripping with sweat and the back of his neck prickled with heat and goosebumps.

"Mr Diaz?"

His throat was too tight to speak so he settled for nodding his head and moved across with the doctor to sit on the chairs a few feet away.

Suddenly, Eddie was glad he was alone. If this conversation went the wrong way, Eddie didn't want to be around friends and family when he had a break down. Evan and Maddie were on their way here as soon as they could drop Chris off with Hen and Karen. Athena had gone to get changed after her interview with the chief of police and she would be back later with Bobby.

That left Eddie to sit and panic in the corridor for the last three hours, riding out the early morning in a state of perpetual fear he had never felt before.

"Your wife is out of surgery, it went very well."

Relief washed over Eddie like the tide claiming the sand and he let his body slump forward to land his head in his hands.

Thank God. It worked. She was okay.

"We removed both bullets, the one in her thigh was less severe. I'm afraid the shot to the shoulder managed to fracture into the joint. It will take longer to heal and your wife will need physiotherapy."

"She… she coded when she arrived…" Eddie wasn't sure what he was asking but he could feel the panic swirling around in his head. (Y/n) had stopped breathing when the ambulance pulled up. She had CPR on her way into theatre, that could have had a lot of adverse affects and cause lasting problems, depending on how long she was not breathing.

"We restarted her heart upon arrival, she's had normal rhythm since then and two blood transfusions. We were rather worried surgery would push her body into a miscarriage, but so far the fetus seems fine. We will keep doing daily observations just to make sure."

"What are you talking about?"

Her expression faltered and Eddie watched the way she fiddled with her hands on her lap, grimacing at her mistake. She should have eased into that conversation and tied to gage whether Eddie had any inkling about this or not. Now she had put her foot right in it.

"I'm very sorry, I presumed you would have known. Your wife is pregnant, congratulations, you are both very lucky under the circumstances."

Eddie's hands clamped together and he leaned forward, pressing his mouth against the side of his hand with a sudden desire to bite down into the flesh and rip it apart.

What had he done?

Their argument earlier in the night had been futile and pointless and he should have stopped her from leaving. If they took the test the night would have gone very differently. If they had worked things out and stayed home together, they would have found out this news in a few weeks and everything would have been better. (Y/n) wouldn't need to be pent up on bed rest and undergoing surgery and physio and cardiac arrest. She wouldn't have gone through all of this and ended up being shot if they didn't argue.

"I want to see her."

"Of course, this way."

Eddie could barely feel his legs when he stood up. He was trembling all over and he raked his nails over his thighs to try and ward off the sudden energy and adrenaline fuelling through his system.

"Eddie," The way she said his name when he bolted through the door made him shiver. He couldn't get her voice out of his head. When he closed his eyes, he could still hear her crying out for him while he sat motionless and powerless to do anything to help his wife. He was never going to get that shrill cry out of his head, no matter what he did to try and forget.

Tears were already streaming down his face by the time he stumbled over to the bed and reached out for her.

He could see the way her eyes blinked rapidly and how she tilted her head groggily to the side to try and lock her gaze onto him. She had only just started to come round from the anaesthetic.

Eddie let himself slump down on the side of the bed and he took a second to rake his eyes over his wife's frame. Her left arm was wrapped up in a sling, bound to her chest which she seemed rather put out and confused about. And he didn't dare look under the blanket to see how badly her leg would look. He could only imagine how discoloured, swollen and sore it was going to be. Eddie had had his fair share of bullet wounds in the past.

When her fingers curled around his bicep, Eddie slipped his hands beneath her back as carefully as he could and gently pulled (Y/n) up when she tried to lean over for him. Her right arm curled around his neck, scratching her nails into his skin and her face slumped forward onto his shoulder. While Eddie wrapped one arm around her lower waist to keep her pinned into his chest and his other hand cupped the back of her neck.

He buried his nose into her hair and sighed against the side of her temple, pressing as many kisses to her skin as he could manage.

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry."

(Y/n) turned her head until she could press a butterfly kiss against the underside of Eddie's jaw and her hazy eyes tried to focus on him when he pulled his head back to look down at her.

"Hm?" What was he sorry for? From what (Y/n) could recall, Eddie hadn't been the one to shoot her. He hadn't done anything wrong, he didn't force her out the house or make her pick up that shift. She should have gone for a drive to clear her head instead of pushing herself to go on shift when she didn't need to. It was stupid of her.

"I shouldn't have let you walk out the door. If I didn't say all those things, you wouldn't have been hurt." Eddie tilted his head to the side and swiped his cheek against his shoulder to rid the tears from his eyes. words were never going to be enough to explain how horrid and idiotic and ruthless he felt for what had happened tonight.

"Baby, I walked out… I k- I knew going to work would be a bad idea," (Y/n) leaned forward again and buried her face into Eddie's neck, groaning into his shoulder when it felt like a storm was rolling into her mind.

"We should have taken the test,"

"Hm?"

(Y/n)'s lips twitched against Eddie's neck and she curled her hand against his back and nuzzled her nose into his neck. She couldn't see what he meant by that, unless there was some secret undertone she was missing. Her eyes soon opened and her lips parted when Eddie's arms suddenly unravelled from her skin and moved to cup her face instead. He smoothed his thumbs over her cheeks and gently lifted her head up from his neck so he could look down at her.

The hazy look in her eyes made his heart melt and when she tried to smile so sweetly up at him, Eddie shivered. She had been shot, twice, and had been on the brink of death and here she was trying to smile to calm him down.

"Mi amor, you're pregnant."

Confusion flooded her face and her eyes narrowed while her smile morphed into something closer to unsettling panic.

If this was some sort of joke, it was in very poor taste and it wasn't funny in the least. But the longer (Y/n) stared up at Eddie, the sooner she realised he wasn't trying to play some sick joke on her or guilt trip her. A cry burned at the back of her throat and she choked on her breath as her head started to shake.

"But… I," (Y/n)'s hand fumbled towards her shoulder and her leg twitched at the memory of being hurt. If she was pregnant, she had put herself and the baby in danger by going on shift tonight. She had been shot, how could the baby be okay after that?

"Shh, it's okay, you're both okay." Eddie's fingers brushed across her cheeks, wiping away the tears falling down her face before he leaned down to kiss her. "And I'm gonna make sure nothing else happens to you. I swear."

[lover-of-mine]

Sometimes I'm like "I'm overthinking buddie, it's not that deep" but then I do stuff like the buddie through the season collection of sets, or someone makes a post with stuff that happened to them all written down and I'm just "if they're not aware they are writing a love story, someone on that writers room needs to reevaluate their lives because if they think that's platonic I got some news" because it's ridiculous. To an insane degree.

Buck went from snappy and "what do we need him for" to literally following Eddie around like a lost puppy and all it took was 1 (one) complement. Buck cleared for Chris to be at the firehouse before it occurred to Eddie to do so and then offered Eddie the solution to his problems like it was absolutely nothing. Eddie denied Chris' literal mother, his honest to God wife, from seeing their kid and then he took Buck with them to see Santa, and that's 10 episodes in, 9 if you consider the fact that Hen begins happens in the middle there and neither one of them are on it. Buck gets crushed by the truck and Eddie, a firefighter who could've left Buck on Hen's very capable hands and help lift the truck, stayed on Buck's side holding his hand. Eddie looked Buck in the eye and said "there's nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you" while Buck actively spirals about losing Chris in a tsunami that he took the blame for after he looked his wife in the eye and said "I can forgive you, I'm not sure I can trust you" when it comes to their son. Eddie picked a fight with Buck in the middle of a grocery store because Buck made it illegal for them to talk. Eddie folded like a paper plan because Buck said sorry and smiled at him. Buck literally clawed at the dirt ready to dig until he found Eddie by hand when the well collapsed. And half of Eddie's I need to keep fighting montage contains Buck. Eddie is ready to let a guy die because he's engaged to Buck's ex and Buck is being reckless about it. Eddie made a decision to not have videogames on in the house, Chris instantly turned to Buck in a full I will ask my other parent moment, and Eddie didn't interfere because he knew Buck wouldn't undermine him. Buck went to the hospital after a fire and Eddie waited by the door so that Buck would have a warning about his parents waiting for him. Chris runs away from home straight into Buck's, Eddie relaxes completely when he realizes Chris is with Buck, and it is actually implied that Eddie called Buck first over the outburst, because Eddie is talking to his girlfriend about it when Chris runs, but Buck already knows about it when Chris gets there. Eddie actively pouts over the fact that Buck teamed up with Taylor even though he has a girlfriend. Buck rolls under a truck even though he got crushed by one to get to Eddie when he got shot. Buck takes on the responsibility of taking care of Chris by his own will. Eddie put Buck down as Chris' guardian on his will not 2 years into knowing him and only told him to dare him to live. They are wistfully staring at each other while talking about Eddie meeting his girlfriend's family. Eddie needs Buck's permission to break up with his girlfriend. Buck runs towards gunfire because he thinks Eddie might be in danger. Eddie snaps, and Chris, a kid being raised by first responders, calls Buck not 911. Buck actually manages to talk Eddie down from the metaphorical ledge he's in. Buck is all heart eyes to Eddie while his girlfriend talks to the girl he cheated on her with. Eddie and Chris are playing games in Buck's kitchen while Buck cooks them dinner. Eddie is screaming in a way we never saw him scream before because Buck is hurt. Eddie is following after a team of doctors wheeling Buck away and actually screaming at them to do more than their best even though he is a first responder and was a combat medic and knows they always do their best. Eddie can't look at Buck while he's in the coma. Buck is uncomfortable at his own place, drives over to Eddie's and instantly falls asleep. Chris is doing his homework on Buck's kitchen. Eddie is talking Buck out to play poker and Buck is sharing his winnings with Eddie like it's a given. Buck is baking cookies with Chris for him to take to school at his loft with Eddie nowhere to be found, while discussing the dinner he won for the 3 of them. Eddie, who later refused pain meds and that he was even hurt, was ready to lean on Buck when he got him out of the truck.

This all happened. On the screen. No exaggeration. No different interpretation. It happened. And this is not all of it. And I'm supposed to sit here and just think they are the bestest of best friends??? Platonic buddies??? Straight bros??? Oh, come on, be fucking for real.

[littlerosetrove]

I think the show is going to start doing better by Eddie in upcoming episodes, and I desperately hope I’m right. Some critical thoughts incoming because I just want better for Eddie.

My focus of this post is about Eddie being in a romantic relationship, although there are absolutely so many potential storylines to delve deeper into with Eddie. Trust me, I know. 

I do get why Eddie was with Ana, I do. That man was still repressing so much trauma for starters, and (even now) Eddie was also feeling pressured by society and his upbringing to “give Chris another mom.” It was something Eddie felt like he should do. And hooboy does Eddie still need to work on issues surrounding things he often feels like he “should” do. We all know that Eddie stuck it out with Ana far longer than he should have (Ana is guilty of this two, cause it takes two to tango). An apt description for Eddie is that he’s “the architect of his own misery.” ← Idk who originally said this phrase, but I got it from @yramesoruniverse, and it’s true. 

Speaking of misery. No matter how the show tried to paint it as something cute and good, there is nothing actually good about Marisol and Eddie. Let me explain and bear with me. 

Let’s be real. The show during 6B treated Eddie’s loneliness and his subsequent desire to date as a joke. Maybe not 100%, but even 1% is too much. That montage of Eddie going hiking, playing golf (??), and hanging out at a fucking country club (?????) to find a date? That was played for laughs. 

Now at one point, Eddie had a genuinely great heart to heart with Bobby. I can’t recall their conversation exactly right now since I haven’t rewatched season 6 since it aired, but I know Bobby basically said Eddie should find someone who will sit with him during the hard times (please correct me if I’m wrong).  

But then the show tried to frame Eddie running into Marisol - someone he met on a call - as this spark, this magical moment. Let’s remember that in season 6 Eddie was wistfully reminiscing on his and Shannon’s beginning and called it magic. And so again, the show tried to say, “Hey look! Eddie bumping into Marisol (no last name) is meant to be. This is magic!” Then we jump into season 7 where we’ve gotten no development on Marisol still, and zero development on their relationship, unless you want to call Eddie admitting to using Marisol as a babysitter as some development. Hell, we don’t even know how Chris feels about her. With all of this in mind, to me this just looks like Eddie had grabbed onto the first person he could so he wouldn’t be lonely. If the show wanted us to care an iota about Marisol or their relationship in any capacity, they would have. But they haven’t. And that’s just heartbreaking for Eddie. All they’ve given Eddie is a surface level, nothing of a relationship. 

It’s clear Eddie and Marisol are going to break up in 7x7 at the latest, and… for what? 7x5 will definitely have to do some backfilling on where and why their relationship isn’t going to work (it doesn't appear Marisol will be in 7x6). Even still, what was the point of it all?? Before anyone says it, yes Eddie is allowed to date, even casually, but GD there’s been nothing to grasp onto, you know? No reason to feel even remotely excited or happy that Eddie’s dating, specifically not with Marisol (and the actress is a shitty person) who ffs doesn’t even have a last name. Just having two attractive people in the same room does nothing for me, sorry. 

To try and conclude this, this *gestures at everything I just said* is why I want better for Eddie and Ryan. I really really hope we’re going to get something of substance for Eddie as a character. Yes it’s been great to see Eddie so much happier in season 7 (thanks to therapy, though he needs more, and Buck and Tommy lbr), but, and to stick with the relationship aspect of it all, I want better for Eddie. Idk if Eddie will have or needs someone like Tommy for himself, or if Eddie is just going to work on himself before the next relationship he’s in will be Buck. We’ll have to wait and see, but yeah…. Eddie just. deserves better. 

(this post was inspired by a recent conversation I had with @elvensorceress)

[bibuckdiaz]

i wrote a little thing about eddie and hen and here it is. be warned, i am:

still on season six and only know about eddie’s current ~situation~ from twitter and tumblr

extremely unconcerned about canon compliance especially after tonight’s ep

a gay eddie truther

anyways. viola. eddie and hen get drunk and talk about the kim/marisol/buck situation.

***

Eddie already regrets going to Hen’s place.

On one hand, he knew she’d understand, at least to a degree. He didn’t know her when Eva was still around, but Buck had told him quietly one night when Eddie was lamenting how perfect her marriage seemed to be. It didn’t change how he saw her, and it honestly never really felt relevant, until now.

On the other hand, he knew she was going to slap sense into him when she found out what he did.

At least that part only took the first ten minutes, and then she got out a bottle of vodka and two glasses. The first shot burned, but it soothes some of the rattling, violent anxiety in his chest.

“I just don’t know what to do,” he says for the umpteenth time, at least most of the way to properly drunk at Hen’s kitchen table.

“Well, here,” Hen says and holds her hands out like she’s pitching an invention on Shark Tank. “Do you love them?”

Eddie leans forward until his forehead thunks into the wooden table. “I don’t know,” he whispers.

“You’ve been in love before,” Hen says, like it’s fact, but when Eddie doesn’t respond, she leans in to peer at his side profile. “Right?”

“I don’t know,” he repeats, not making eye contact. “Hen, I don’t know.”

Hen lets out a long breath and pours two more glasses— fuller than the rest have been, easily two shots worth. Eddie sits up and downs his in two swigs even though he knows he should probably cut himself off.

“Hen,” he says. His tongue feels slow and heavy in his mouth. “What does it feel like? Being in love?”

Hen is quiet for a long moment, blinking at the table. “Trust,” she says after a moment. “There’s nobody in the world I trust more than Karen.” The words hit Eddie’s ear with something like nostalgia. “I trust her with— With Denny.” She interrupts herself with a hiccup and a slurred giggle before twisting her face back into something resembling seriousness. “I trust her with my life. She makes me laugh, she makes me smile. She makes my insides feel… Like this.” She rests her hand on her stomach. “Bubbly.”

“Trust,” Eddie echoes, and thinks it over. Marisol, Kim— He doesn’t know if he trusts them, not with Chris. Not with the most perfect, important thing in his entire life. He probably doesn’t. He probably never will. “I…”

“Spit it out, Diaz.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” he starts, and Hen waves him off, waiting expectantly. “There’s really only one person in the world that I trust like that. I don’t know… Is that love?”

Hen leans forward and rests her chin on her crossed arms. “You tell me,” she says and blinks lazily. “Tell me how it feels.”

Eddie thinks for a long moment. His mind conjures images— Chris, nestled into a nook in the roof of a ladder truck, waves rushing around him; Chris, eating home cooked breakfast every single morning while Eddie was in the hospital after the shooting; Chris, staring down at a hospital bed, crying like he hasn’t since Shannon.

“Like home,” he says finally. “Like they fill a hole I didn’t know I had.”

Hen snorts and Eddie reaches over and shoves her.

“What does that mean?” Eddie asks a moment later. His head is swimming from the vodka, but his heart keeps beating the same rhythm, over, and over, and over. He thinks maybe it has been for the past five years.

“Only you can figure that out, Eddie,” Hen says softly and reaches out to grab his shoulder. “But if it helps, I think he loves you too.”

Eddie whips his head up, startled, but Hen has nothing but drunken compassion on her face.

“Tell me if I’m overstepping, but the things you’ve said about dating? How it feels like a performance, how you don’t mind being alone— The jumping around, the lack of commitment. It’s all the same stuff I thought was normal when I was still dating men,” Hen says.

Eddie’s head spins. “But I’m not— You didn’t like men. I’m not— Like you,” he says. His tongue feels heavy in his mouth.

Hen rubs her cheeks with her palms and then lets out a long breath. “Karen’s gonna be so mad at me,” she mutters, and then meets Eddie’s eyes, determination in her gaze. “Have you ever actually sat down and thought about being attracted to men? Have you tested it, experimented at all? What makes you so sure?”

Eddie feels his face go red almost immediately, and he knows Hen notices because she leans in and pokes him square in the cheek.

“In the army,” Eddie relents and looks away, staring out the window at the blustery trees outside so he doesn’t have to look at Hen. “It was easy. He was there, I was there, it was just— Just letting off steam.”

“But?”

“But,” Eddie echoes and glances back at Hen. It’s clear in her expression— honest from the vodka— that she just wants to listen, and to help. She doesn’t hold pity, she doesn’t see him as a clueless child. She knows how difficult this is. “He was hot, and kind. He made me laugh. I… I never considered it cheating, because it— It was normal, I thought.”

“So men don’t count, and neither do clones of your ex-wife?” Hen asks gently. “Where’s the line, Eddie?”

It feels like an accusation, even though he’s the one who drove here and bore his heart to Hen, every part of the last miserable few months pouring out of his mouth and onto her living room floor.

Her face softens. “Listen,” she says and reaches over, taking his hand in hers. “You don’t love them, and you do love someone else. Doesn’t that make it simple?”

Eddie fucking wishes it could be that easy.

“I can’t,” he whispers. “Chris deserves a family, a mother. I can’t— I can’t be selfish, not with this.”

Hen’s expression darkens. “Does Denny need a father?”

“What—“

“Was I selfish in choosing Karen, choosing my career, choosing to take in Denny, rather than live a traditional, white picket fence life?”

“Hen, no—“

“Are my wife and I not enough of a family for him?”

“Stop, stop,” Eddie says and clutches at her forearm so tight he sees her dark skin paling under his grip. “Stop. I get it.” He looks out the window again. A bird lands on the fence.

“Christopher already loves Buck.”

Eddie flinches when she says his name. It was this unspoken, nebulous thing hanging in the room between them up until now, but Hen saying his name makes it feel real. Panic starts to make a home in his chest.

“I need to go,” he says and tries to pull away, but Hen grabs him and gives him a stern look.

“You’re not driving anywhere, not for at least the next eight hours. I hope you thought this through and got someone to watch Christopher, because calling your abuela drunk might be a little humiliating.”

“He’s with Pepa,” Eddie whispers.

“Good. You’re staying here, and we’re talking this out. Don’t run, Eddie. Answer me. What do you want? No second thoughts, no overthinking, no holdbacks. First instinct. What do you want?” Hen asks.

“Buck,” Eddie breathes.

Hen stands, walks around the table, and pulls Eddie into a hard, warm hug. “I know, baby.”

[beecauseevan]

For the prompts!! How abooout..... some kind of secret or like sneaking around? But not in a cheaty way lol in a cute way

"Hey. You wanna go for a run?"

"Uh." Buck glances at his phone. He's curled up on the couch, still wearing the sweatpants he slept in. There are pillow creases on his cheek. It's a nice Saturday morning, early enough that Chris won't be up for another hour at least, and if he asked Eddie to stay, tried to convince him to give a different kind of cardio exercise a try, Eddie wouldn't need much convincing. Instead, Buck says, "Maybe not today? Tomorrow?"

"You didn't want to go yesterday either," Eddie points out. "Not every day can be arm day, Buck."

Buck's sleep-warm face twists into a smirk. "You like my arms."

"That's," Eddie clears his throat, and tears his eyes away from the arms in question, currently sticking out of an old gray t-shirt that's way too tight around Buck's shoulders. It must be one of Eddie's, and that—that adds a whole other layer. "That's not the point."

"Tomorrow," Buck offers again.

He says it like he expects Eddie to protest, like there's something—off, about tomorrow. Something Eddie should remember. Eddie wracks his brain for a solid minute, but he can't think of anything except,

"I'm not going running tomorrow. Tomorrow is gym day."

Buck smirks, clearly pleased with that answer for some impossible reason. Before Eddie can wonder about that, Buck gets to his feet and pulls him into a lingering, toothpaste-flavored kiss. 

"There's a treadmill at the gym."

He bites the words into Eddie's jawline and Eddie shivers, arms winding around Buck's waist to keep him close.

"Tomorrow," he confirms, against Buck's lips.

"Tomorrow."

"Okay," Eddie says, and pulls away. Buck chases his lips, which is its own kind of intoxicating, but Eddie stays strong. "I gotta go. Or I'm not leaving."

"If that's supposed to be a threat, it's not a good one," Buck says, but he lets Eddie go.

It's a nice September day, warm without being hot, breezy without being uncomfortable. Eddie gets his five miles in easily enough. When he gets home, Buck is still in the living room, still in his PJs. He's talking on his phone now, eyes shifty and voice hushed, and when Eddie enters the living room, he hangs up immediately, without so much as telling the person on the other end goodbye. 

"You're back!" he says, and where he was whispering just moments ago, his voice is too loud now, and the words come out too fast. 

"Yeah," Eddie says, coming to a halt a few steps away. "Who was that?"

"Bobby," Buck says. 

He holds Eddie's eyes when he says it, and Eddie shrugs. He has no reason not to believe him—this is Buck. Eddie trusts him with his life and with his heart.

Except—what if he got caught up in something bad, or—no. Buck would tell him. He doesn't do that kind of shit anymore. Not since the will. 

"What's for lunch?"

"Am I your 50s housewife?"

"Do you want to be?" Eddie smirks, and doesn't try to dodge the kick Buck aims at Eddie's shin, because he deserves it. 

"Chris requested Isabel's tamales," Buck informs him. "Thought I'd make enough that we'll have leftovers tomorrow."

There's that look again, like he expects Eddie to object. Eddie wouldn't dream of objecting. Ever since Isabel gave Buck her secret recipe a few months ago, Buck has been working hard to perfect it, and he's come pretty damn close. It's a pretty time-consuming dish for a random Saturday, but if Buck is up for it…

"Gotta listen to Chris."

"Uh huh." Buck gets up and stretches. His too-tight t-shirt rides up and Eddie's eyes get stuck on the stripe of skin it reveals. "You have no skin in this game, huh?"

"None," Eddie confirms, and leans in to kiss Buck's cheek.

It's a short way from Buck's cheek to his neck, and Buck lets him play for a minute, before strong hands find Eddie's shoulders and push him back, gently but firmly. 

"You're gross. Go take a shower."

Eddie doesn't even pretend to be offended. "Join me?"

Buck looks between his phone and the bathroom door and Eddie, and throws the phone on the couch. "Race you."

The next morning, when Eddie is getting dressed for the gym, he can tell from the strange look on Buck's face that he's going to be alone again. 

Eddie turns away from their closet mirror, away from Buck's reflection, and faces the man himself. He looks good, tangled up in their sheets on Eddie's side of the bed, but that's not enough to distract Eddie. Not today. 

"Come on."

"Sorry," Buck says immediately, propping himself up on his elbows. "I know I said—but I just didn't sleep well." He's interrupted when his phone dings, discarded on the nightstand. "Sorry. Tomorrow. Promise."

Eddie wasn't that disappointed to begin with (though he does love watching Buck work out), but when Buck tells him that he didn't sleep well, any other emotion he might have been feeling is replaced by concern. "Are you okay? Nightmares?"

"No, no. I'm okay." Buck reaches for him, grabs Eddie's wrist to pull him closer, to pull him down, to kiss his cheek. "I'm okay. Promise. Have fun, yeah?"

He gives Eddie a little shove, and Eddie goes, but his head isn't in it today. He's lucky he doesn't pull a muscle, because the whole time he's at the gym, his thoughts are back home, circling around Buck's strange behavior. 

What if he is in some kind of trouble after all? Or worse—what if he's sick? After the clot, Eddie wants to believe that Buck wouldn't hide a health issue, but he can't be sure, and what if— 

By the time he gets back home, he has all but convinced himself that something is wrong. It's Sunday, though, so that means Chris is home, and Eddie can't really stage an intervention. That's fine. He's going to give Buck until tomorrow to tell him, and if he's still keeping Eddie in the dark then—shit. 

Eddie barely wants to think that far. They haven't had a real fight since that day in the grocery store. He really doesn't want to break that streak. 

He's frowning to himself when he unlocks the front door. He doesn't want to have a fight, but if Buck doesn't tell him, then Eddie will have to find out for himself. Because if Buck is in some kind of trouble, if Buck needs help, then—

"Surprise!"

Eddie freezes. His living room is filled with people. Front and center stands Buck, smiling brightly, and right next to him Chris, who's left his teenage scowl in the closet for once. 

"What—" Eddie starts. 

"Told you he forgot," Buck tells Chris, who sighs heavily. 

"How do you forget your own birthday?"

And it's not that Eddie forgot. It's just that there's been a lot going on, between work and therapy and raising a teenager and—

Buck's smile is as blinding as the September sun. "You gonna come and hug us or what?"

Eddie doesn't have to be told twice. He's suddenly very fucking glad he took a shower at the gym. He crosses the room with two large strides and hugs them both like they're his lifelines, because they are. 

A birthday party. They're throwing him a birthday party. 

"This is what all the sneaking around was about?"

Buck pulls back and gives him a smile, apologetic and still beautiful. "Thought I was being subtle."

Eddie laughs, loud and bright, relief and gratitude washing the fear from his bones.

"Not even a little bit," he says. "Jesus Christ."

He releases his boys and looks around the room, at everyone else, at his family. 

"Told you we shouldn't have let Buck plan it," Chim says, but his smile takes the sting out of his words. 

Hen snorts. "You suck at keeping a secret even worse than he does."

Maddie is the first to come forward, hugging him while Chim and Hen continue to bicker. "Happy birthday, Eddie."

"There's cake out back," Bobby adds, a dozen hugs later, when Eddie is feeling warmer than he has all day. 

"Cake!" Jee-Yun yells, making her priorities clear, and Eddie can't fault her. 

He ruffles her dark hair and smiles when she giggles. "Let's go."

Somewhere between the living room and the backyard, Buck's hand finds Eddie's. 

"So? Was it a good surprise?"

Eddie exhales a grateful breath and leans in to kiss his temple. "Don't do that again. I was worried."

"Sorry," Buck mutters, and he sounds like he means it, and Eddie loves him. 

"But yes," Eddie adds. "It was a good surprise."

Buck lights up as the guilt melts away, and he raises Eddie's hand to his mouth and brushes his lips across Eddie's knuckles. "I love you."

"I love you more."

"It's your birthday. So I guess I'll let you get away with that."

"Damn right you will," Eddie says, and tugs him through the backdoor into the bright morning. "Come on. I've heard there's cake."

[daffi-990]

Fuck it Friday

Tagged by @disasterbuckdiaz & @jamespearce9-1-1. Thank you lovelies 😘. Be sure to check out what they posted (James posted a steamy kilt sex fic 🔥🥵)

Haven’t written much in the last two days due to the death of one of our dogs, so I’m posting a snippet from when your heart releases, you won’t fall to pieces that I’ve already shared before (you can find it here) but it’s been reworked.

“He needs me, that’s all you need to know.” Buck tries to hide the irritation in his voice at Taylor’s prying. Why can’t she just accept that Eddie needs him right now? Isn’t that enough? Why does she need to know more?

“He has other people he can lean on, if he really needs help. Why does it have to be you?”

“Because I’m his best friend. And I want it to be me. I want to take care of him and Chris. They’re family and that’s what family does.”

“What do you know about family?” Taylor sneers, her top lip curled in a cruel snarl Buck hasn’t seen directed at him before. Her words are like a gunshot, the bullet easily finding its mark.

Buck feels the impact amongst the cracked and bleeding parts of his heart, Taylor knowing exactly where to aim to cause significant damage. He opened up to her about his parents, about Daniel and how he felt like he never really was a part of the Buckley family, and now she’s here throwing all of it back at him with sharpened points. The irritation and frustration that was bubbling inside of Buck morphs into anger as he fires off a shot of his own that he knows will tear into her and hurt.

“What do you know?”

Taylor flinches as if slapped and Buck feels a small sense of satisfaction that he was able to hurt her with the very words she’d used to strike at him, before guilt washes over him like a bucket of cold water. He’s no better than Taylor, using the knowledge of her issues and struggles with family (or lack thereof) that she trusted him with to inflict a wound. You aren’t meant to do that to the person you love.

They stare at each other, breaths loud and heavy in the silence that stretches out between them. Buck knows silence isn’t the only thing lingering there. They’ve been drifting apart for some time now, but Buck didn’t want another failed relationship to be added to his baggage so he clung to the good moments that were becoming far and few between.

No pressure tagging: @hippolotamus @spotsandsocks @thewolvesof1998 @wikiangela @watchyourbuck @callmenewbie @hoodie-buck @theotherbuckley @wildlife4life @rainbow-nerdss @exhuastedpigeon @eddiebabygirldiaz @elvensorceress @the-likesofus @try-set-me-on-fire @evanbegins @princessfbi @athenagranted @sibylsleaves @shitouttabuck @devirnis @fiona-fififi @fortheloveofbuddie @fcntasmas @glorious-spoon @giddyupbuck @honestlydarkprincess @homerforsure @jeeyuns @jesuisici33 @loserdiaz @malewifediaz @spagheddiediaz @lover-of-mine @ladydorian05 @captain-hen @clusterbuck @bekkachaos @nmcggg @steadfastsaturnsrings @mellaithwen @missmagooglie @monsterrae1 and as always, anyone else who would like to share something ❤️

[chronicowboy]

It's a couple of months after his breakdown when Eddie comes home from therapy to a suspiciously quiet house. Luckily, he and Frank had spent the session working on his anxiety, so he takes a deep breath and begins listing all the things Buck and Christopher could be doing as he goes in search for them.

They could be asleep on the couch, it wouldn't be the first time the early birds had crashed midday from fun, but Eddie finds the couch empty as soon as the thought forms. They could be doing homework at the table, drawing more hearts or puzzling over algebra equations, but the table is empty of its usual clutter. They could be eating in the kitchen, unlikely as neither of them have ever let mouths full of food stop them from chattering away, and he's proven right at a barren kitchen.

The panic rises and crests in his chest like a wave, but he takes another deep breath, reminds himself that the safest place in the world for Christopher is Buck's side.

They could be in the yard tending to their little vegetable garden, but Eddie peeks out to lonely tomato plants swaying in the gentle summer breeze. They could be rearranging Christopher's room again, possibly side-tracked by Christopher's old drawings or Lego creations, but the room is exactly as he'd left it this morning.

Its when Eddie presses his forehead into the doorframe to ground himself that he hears it. A sniffle coming from beyond the cracked bathroom door.

"Okay, buddy," that's Buck's voice, soft and unendingly gentle in a way that makes something behind Eddie's sternum pulse and ache. Eddie drifts towards it, helpless to resist the pull.

"Are you sure we shouldn't wait for dad?" Chris asks, voice a little shaky however it is when he's just finished crying. The wave of panic crests again, but Eddie nudges the door open and the wave collapses into foam.

Christopher is perched on the closed toilet, both legs of his jeans rolled up to above his scraped knees, eyes wide and trusting despite his words. And Buck. Buck is crouched in front of him with the first aid kit open at his feet and an expression so tender it takes Eddie's breath away.

"We can, if you want," Buck concedes, trying and failing to conceal just the slightest bit of hurt. Eddie sees it as he sees the guilt lining the tense line of Buck's shoulders, as he sees the anguish swimming in Buck's own teary eyes. "But I specialise in scratches." He grins, wide and way too bright for the fluorescent lights of the bathroom to compete. He lowers his voice, winks, "its all Hen and Chim trust me with on the job."

Christopher's hiccupping giggle is the best sound Eddie has ever heard. And, judging by the way Buck looks up at Chris like the sound fell from heaven, he agrees. Eddie couldn't tear his eyes away if he wanted to. Not with the way Buck looks kneeling in front of his son, like this is some sort of worship and penance all at once, eyes softer than Eddie has ever seen them.

"Okay, superman," Buck cups the back of Christopher's shin with hands so big his fingers could meet around his leg, with hands so gentle Eddie has the fleeting desire to feel them on himself. "Doesn't look like there's anything in there, but I'm gonna pour a bit of water over them first to wash anything away. Does that sound okay?"

"Yeah," Chris nods solemnly, and Buck smiles up at him as he reaches for the cup on the sink.

Carefully, Buck pours a cup of water over both scrapes, stopping every time Chris so much as twitches, and Eddie aches. He dries them off with a clean towel, gentler still than Eddie knew a human of Buck's size could be, then reaches for the alcohol-free wipes.

"Okay, I'm gonna make sure they're super clean," Buck murmurs, side-profile illuminated by the afternoon light cutting through the bathroom window, angelic and divine. Eddie has the insane urge to pull his phone out and capture the moment forever. "It might be a little sore, so just tell me if you need to stop." Chris nods again, and Buck uses his free hand to grab Christopher's and drop it onto his curls. "Squeeze as tight as you like, and, if I'm too rough, give me a tug in revenge."

Eddie can't decide which is more beautiful: Christopher's laugh or the smile it provokes in Buck. Both of them are bright and joyful things that make Eddie want to fall to his knees in his own kind of worship. He watches as Buck starts wiping away at the scratches, slow and soft and oh so tender it hurts Eddie himself. Chris waits patiently, bravely until Buck drops one wipe and then tugs on his hair.

"Ow!" Buck yelps, pouting up at Christopher who shakes with silent laughter. "What was that for?" When the only answer is a bubbling laugh, Buck's face twitches into a grin like he just can't help it. Eddie understands, doesn't think there's anything more contagious than Buck and Christopher's joy. "Knee number two, no tugging please, sir." And Eddie thinks that some people might forget to be so gentle after that, but Buck only gets more so.

He drops the wipes into the trash before grabbing a gauze pad and pressing it to Christopher's knee. He waits for a beat or two, undoubtedly watching for blood that might soak through even though the wipes came away mostly clean. Buck tapes the edges down and then moves onto the second knee.

And, look, Eddie knows Buck is a first responder, has seen and treated worse than this on a daily basis, but the ease with which he treats Christopher makes Eddie's stomach clench. Especially, when Buck absently rubs his thumbs over the skin of Christopher's legs like its as natural as breathing.

"Almost done," Buck whispers before leaning down to leave a big, smacking kiss on each bandage. Eddie aches. "There we go, now they'll heal faster and you can go back to being superman in no time."

"Thanks, Buck." Chris leans forward for a hug, and Buck catches him effortlessly.

Eddie watches the guilt creep into Buck's expression as he squeezes his eyes shut and turns his face into Christopher's hair. When Buck takes a deep breath, Eddie copies him and tries not to get too flustered when Buck's worried eyes flutter open and land on him. A few months ago, Eddie would've shuttered, would have wiped his face clean of the dizzyingly intense array of emotions on display. But now, Eddie lets Buck see, lets him see that he's not in trouble, that Eddie is so grateful for him it hurts, lets him see the admiration and the softness, lets him see the overwhelming love Eddie feels for him right then and there, always and anywhere.

Buck lets Eddie see it all too.

[eddiediazismyhusband]

Omg 💒💒💒

💒 - the Fake Married Fic

Titled: "All They Keep Asking Me (Is If I'm Gonna Be Your Bride)"

or alternatively called:  3 times Eddie let people believe he and Buck were married, + 1 time Buck found out, + 1 time Buck cleared the air + 1 time it wasn’t a lie.

----------

The two of them made their way down to the field in a painfully awkward stilted silence. As they reached the bottom of the field, they both waved at Christopher who was standing in line. As the court was marched out onto the field, Eddie glanced over at Buck who was standing still- jaw clenched.

“Eddie,” he said softly. “Why did Mr. Willis call me your husband?”

“I- uh,” Eddie stammered over the lump in his throat. “I might have told him we were married.”

Buck stayed silent, still staring directly forward as Eddie watched him. The voice of Chris’s principal boomed over the field. He turned his attention towards his son, taking his phone out to record the moment. It wasn’t long until the Homecoming princes and princesses of both 6ht and 7th grades had been announced, and it was Chris’s turn for the 8th grade court. Eddie felt his stomach churning- both in anticipation for his son, and in fried nerves for his best friend standing next to him.

The tension eased a little bit when Chris’s name was called as homecoming king, both Buck and Eddie cheering him on as he gleefully accepted the sash, crown, and boutonniere from one of the teachers. He turned to face them, waving at them with the widest grin on his face. 

One of the moms from Chris’s class leaned over to them. “He looks so handsome. You two must be so proud!”

Eddie couldn’t bring himself to reply, Buck swooping in immediately.

“We are,” Buck smiled widely. “Very, very proud.”

“You two did good with him,” she continued, almost rubbing salt in the wound she didn’t know was there. “My husband and I are always hearing stories from Molly about how funny and nice Christopher is… especially when other boys their age can be so cruel.”

“Well, we didn’t want him to be a heartbreaker,” Buck told her. “There’s nothing worse than someone you can’t fully trust, so I’m glad to hear that Christopher is living the way we’ve tried hard to raise him.”

It feels pointed- like every word drives another knife into Eddie’s heart. He should have known this would hurt Buck- that Buck would get weird and freak out. It’s exactly why Eddie hadn’t wanted to tell him. He knew Buck didn’t feel the same, and wouldn’t want to mess up their friendship like this.

Molly’s mom walked away, leaving the two of them alone. Eddie turned to face Buck, opening his mouth to speak before Buck cut him off preemptively.

“Did you do it to pick on me?” he asked.

“What?” Eddie’s brows furrowed.

“I mean- someone had to have told you,” Buck scoffed. “Was it Hen? Chimney? God, I knew telling him was a bad idea. I just guess I never thought you would play a nasty prank on me about it if you found out.”

“Buck, what are you…” Eddie’s voice came out broken.

“Save it, Eddie, I can’t-” Buck sighed. “I can’t talk to you right now, I- just… I can’t.”

----------

Make Me Write!

[lyricfulloflight]

I am super nervous for the next season of 911. Like I don’t dislike Tommy but I also don’t like super love him either and I. Am. Nervous.

I agree with you about Tommy - I'm relatively neutral about him as a character.

I also don't tend to be someone who makes predictions much at all - I'd rather just be surprised.

I will say though, the fact that there has been little said about Tommy and little promotion of the Buck x Tommy pairing (it has been mentioned, but not as much as Buck and Eddie's friendship/relationship), makes me lean toward the belief that Buck x Tommy is likely short term.

But, as a Buddie shipper I am also aware that I could just be seeing what I'd really like to see in the promotional material we've had so far... shrugs.

I am excited about a lot of other things for this season though!

Seeing how the 118 manages with Gerrard (don't want him around for long, but interested to see how this affects all the characters and how they, hopefully, lean on each other to cope)

I want to see calls again! And the 118 working as a team during emergencies.

I want to see silly chatter in the fire engine and family meals!

I want ridiculous calls, and weird calls, and humorous calls!

They've been open about Eddie going on journey to discover himself, who he is without Chris, just as 'Eddie,' and I am so here for that!

I want some sweet moments between Hen and Karen and Chim and Maddie as the navigate the situation with Mara

I am honestly kind of thrilled with the whole 'bee-nado' situation because it is so implausible that it makes me giggle, but the fall out has so much potential for drama and action

Bobby as a technical advisor on 'Hot Shots' has so much comedy potential and I cannot wait to see it

That's a lot to be excited about I think!

One of the things I love about 911, is that yes, it brought me Buddie and I love them and I hope we are fortunate enough to get to watch them become canon. And that could possible happen this season.

But I don't love the show just because of Buddie.

I love all of the 118.

I love Chim and his devotion to Maddie and the power of their story, a story about finding a new love, building a better, stronger relationship with someone you truly love and trust and you loves and trusts and respect you back.

I love Hen and Karen and the endless pool of love they have for Denny, Mara and all the foster children who have come into their lives over the seasons. Those ladies have so much smarts between them they just knocked me over with it sometimes.

I love Bobby and his journey of redemption. The difficult path he has been walking to feel he actually deserves happiness in his life. I adore how he and Athena fell in love, and yet their past loves have never been dismissed, ignored or demeaned for their current love story.

(I will also miss the Bobby and Michael shenanigans -both the healthiest and yet most chaotic relationship between the 'new' husband and the ex-husband I have ever had the pleasure to witness).

Even though I don't always agree with Athena's choices, I would want her on my side, fighting beside be because that woman is fierce and she does not back down from a fight.

I love Eddie and his giant heart that he is always simultaneously giving freely to everyone and yet hiding away at every turn. As a fellow parent, I admire his amazing parenting skills and his trust and respect he has built with Christopher. If they aren't able to build back that trust in their relationship this season it will truly break my heart.

I left Buck for last, because he is my favourite. He has such a big heart and hardly any sense of self worth and all of that is wrapped up in this infectious energy that I simply cannot resist. I cannot wait to hear more Buck facts, his childlike energy about topics he's passionate about make me smile so much. I want the world for that man. (I also really enjoy him battered and bruised and covered in blood, but that says more about me that about Buck...)

In conclusion, I love 911!

Yes, I watch partly for Buddie, but I love the show as a whole. And I think we have a lot to look forward to, especially with a full season that, hopefully, won't feel rushed.

[renecdote]

17!!!

17. fixing the other persons clothes absentmindedly or like tucking their hair behind their ear U KNOW WHAT I MEAN THAT SOFT STUFF

also 3. forehead kisses and 5. hand kisses for you @reneewvalker hope you enjoy how ridiculously soft they are in this one

[Read on AO3]

Eddie’s hands don’t shake as he does up his laces, but he’s pretty sure it’s only because he’s too tired for even that kind of involuntary response. He feels like he should be shaking—like he is shaking—but he looks down and his body is still. His feet are firmly on the ground, firmly connected to his legs, his chest, his arms, his head, even though he feels like all the pieces of him are one wrong move away from floating away.

“Hey.” Buck’s voice is soft, his hands warm and solid on Eddie’s shoulders from behind. “You wanna get out of here?”

The locker room, when Eddie lifts his head and looks around, has emptied out around them. It makes his heart rate tick up, a flash of panic at not noticing while everyone else packed up and left. He hasn’t been hit this hard by an adrenaline crash since—since when? He doesn’t even know. Doesn’t know why today, when they pulled four kids out of a flooding river an hour ago and he should be feeling good, great, riding the high of the win, not unravelling like a ball of mangled yarn.

“Eds?”

He doesn’t tip his head back to look up at his partner, half afraid it will roll right off his neck, but he doesn’t need to see when he can hear the frown in Buck’s voice. Eddie shakes himself. Squeezes his eyes shut, then forces them open again, like it might reset his brain, turn it off and on again like Chris is always telling him to do when his phone plays up.

“Yeah.” He clears his throat, his mouth dry. “Yeah, ‘m good.”

He doesn’t stand up, though. Takes too long to remember that it’s something he should do, then can’t seem to make his legs follow the commands his brain wants to send them. It’s so much easier to lean back against his partner’s warmth, trusting Buck to hold him there, to not let him fall. They fought earlier, sharp and brittle, adrenaline zinging on their tongues as they argued about who would go into the water, and Buck glowered when Bobby cut them both off and sent Eddie in, but he held the rope tight, steady, and he holds steady now too.

One minute. Two. Three.

“Alright,” Buck murmurs, mostly to himself. Then he’s bending down and pressing a kiss to Eddie’s forehead, so distracting that Eddie almost doesn’t realise his keys have been stolen from his pocket.

“Hey,” he protests, but there’s no heat to it.

Buck’s hands disappear, and Eddie wavers for a moment, suddenly adrift, but Buck is just circling the bench to pull him up to his feet. It’s almost easy, with Buck helping, even though it was the hardest thing in the world a few minutes ago. Buck reaches up and straightens the collar of his jacket, then smoothes his hands down the front of it; an absent, just-an-excuse-to-touch kind of movement.

“You with me?’ he checks, and he’s smiling, but the little furrow between his brows says worried.

Eddie reaches for the strength to stand a little straighter, to return Buck’s smile, to wash all that worry away. He reaches, and reaches, but can’t seem to find it.

“I’m with you,” is all he can manage, rubbing at his eyes. “I’m just… tired.”

It’s too simple for the way he feels, but all the words he might use to explain are out of reach as well.

“You didn’t get hurt during that rescue, did you?” Buck asks, looking like he might run out to try catch Hen or Chimney if they haven’t already driven away.

“You were watching me the whole time,” Eddie reminds him, and the warmth unfolding in his chest makes it easier to smile this time. “I’m fine, I promise, I just need a strong cup of coffee and a nap.”

Just the thought of it—napping, Buck’s arms wrapped around him, breath ticking the back of his neck—makes Eddie yawn so wide his jaw clicks. It’s contagious; Buck yawns too, then shakes himself, reaching for both their bags.

“Come on,” he says, putting a hand on Eddie’s back to guide him out into the app bay, then through the next set of doors into the warm LA sun. “We can nap when we get home.”

Eddie gets halfway there in the car, something about the Jeep embarrassingly soporific, and he startles without fully reaching alertness when Buck puts a hand on his thigh and says, “We’re here.”

Here. Home. Eddie’s house. He yawns again, rubbing at his eyes, the sun too bright through the windscreen. It takes him an embarrassing two tries to get the door open, and his feet under him, and then Buck’s hand is low on his back again, nudging him towards the door.

“You said home,” Eddie realises when he’s standing inside, taking his shoes off a half-formed thought, watching blearily while Buck closes and locks the door behind them.

Buck’s nose scrunches, confused. “What?”

Eddie feels like he’s swimming through cotton candy, but. “At the station. You said we could nap at home.”

Buck stiffens, so suddenly still that Eddie almost pokes him to make sure he’s still breathing.

“Sorry,” he starts, but Eddie shakes his head, forceful enough that it makes his brain throb, and he has to squeeze his eyes shut until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

“No,” he says. “Don’t—I don’t want you to be sorry, I want—I want you to be at home here.”

“Eddie,” tentative, halfway to hopeful and half afraid, keys jiggling in his hands, “I’m gonna need you to be explain that a little more clearly because—because you know I’ve always felt at home here, but I don’t think that’s what you meant.”

No. No, it isn’t. They’re still standing in the entryway, on an otherwise unremarkable Thursday morning, and there are a hundred ways Eddie could have done this that would be more romantic, including moving half a room over to the couch, but—

“I love you,” Eddie tells Buck. Reminds him. Promises him, forever and always. “I want you to move in.”

No more nights apart, no more counting the minutes until they get to work and see each other, no more lingering in the doorway because neither of them wants to say goodbye. Just together, and home, and forever.

“Eddie,” Buck breathes, and there’s enough sunlight through the half-closed curtains to see him blinking back tears. “Are you sure?”

Eddie shoves his shoulder, so light it’s not even really a shove. “Don’t do that. Of course I’m sure.”

Buck’s smile seems to sneak up on him, quick and bright even as he ducks his head. “I know, I just—it’s only been a few months.”

Maybe. Technically. But—

“It’s been more than a few years,” Eddie reminds him.

He doesn’t know when he started thinking they’d always end up here, together, grasping at forever, but the fabric of their lives were knitted together long before he pulled Buck in close in the kitchen and kissed him for the first time. Long before he even realised the flutter in his chest every time he looked at his best friend was love. He doesn’t believe in the universe, or fate, or soulmates, but he believes in Buck. Believes in the life they’ve built together, even before they realised they were building it.

Eddie reaches for Buck now, tangling their fingers together, and he lifts their joined hands to press a kiss to his partner’s knuckles. To the scar there, barely noticeable, from the knife that slipped and cut him about fifteen minutes before their first kiss.

“Move in with me,” Eddie repeats. “With us.”

Buck’s hand is warm against his cheek, eyes still shiny with tears as he leans in for a kiss, deep and unhurried.

“I love you,” he says into the space between them. A reminder, a promise, forever and always. “And I’d love to move in with you.”

Eddie kisses him again. And again, and again. Exhaustion is still pressing in behind his eyes, heavy in his bones, but Buck anchors him in the hallway, in the house that is going to be theirs, the world narrowed to every point their bodies touch and every goodbye they won’t need to have.

“I’ll help you pack,” he promises. “We’ll find someone to take over your lease.”

“Later,” Buck agrees, and it sounds like we’ve got time. “You promised me a nap, remember?”

“Pretty sure you were the one who said we would nap,” Eddie replies, but it’s not a protest. He finally gets his shoes off, kicking them haphazardly towards the rack, and starts pulling Buck down the hallway towards the bedroom.

Their bedroom, soon.

There’s a part of Eddie—giddy and in love—that thinks he won’t be able to sleep after all. That he won’t even need an extra strong cup of coffee because caffeine is nothing compared to the high of knowing that Buck is going to move in with him. They’re going to live together. They’ll carpool to work, and dance in the kitchen while they cook, and brush their teeth side-by-side every night. They’ll get married, one day, but not yet. Eddie can hold that question under his tongue for a little while longer.

He’s still thinking about it when his eyes close. Still thinking about Buck packing Christopher’s lunches for school, and their laundry all mixed up in the basket, and the house-warming party they’ll let their friends talk them into having. He’s thinking about the steady heartbeat under his ear, and the warm hand tracing patterns on his back, and waking up together for the rest of their lives.

He’s still thinking about forever when he falls asleep. And when he wakes up, brain still half caught in a dream, he reaches out and forever is right there, warm hands and steady heart and snoring against the pillow, and Eddie smiles—can’t help but smile—and lets his slide closed again. He finds Buck’s hand under the covers—gets a sleepy mumble in his ear, half a question, you okay?—and presses a kiss to his chest, right over his heart (I’m okay, I love you), and when Eddie tangles their fingers together, his hands don’t shake. He doesn’t know why he thought they might. He holds himself there, holds Buck against him, and together their hearts beat: steady, steady, steady.

[lonelychicago]

Hi! Another different anon. I haven’t watched 9-1-1 religiously gotta admit and am back for good now with Buck’s new character development. And like for so many, bi Buck makes sense. But have there been signs for Eddie too like for Buck all these years? As I’ve missed many episodes, I don’t have the whole picture, but would bi Eddie feel real/genuine?

i think it would! you have that scene where eddie checks buck's ass in s3 for starters. u could also argue the 'because evan' is another scene where u see how much eddie loves buck. not bc od the will but bc eddie waited a year to tell buck, and he probably wouldn't have told him if he didnt think it was what buck needed to hear in the moment— like, "hey, see? im your family. i trust u with my life and my heart and WE need you around. me and chris. ur one of us! ur not expendable! u are loved unconditionally and to the core!!!"

like, eddie trusts buck so much and in such little time. from when he first started at the 118 to the tsunami its not even a year i think??? and yet, eddie stands there and says with his whole chest that he trusts buck with chris more than anyone else in the world??? more than his own family, his sisters, his tía, his abuela??? ppl that have admittedly known eddie for a lor longer.

and i feel like, its not easy for anyone to just come into eddie's life and gain that kind of trust and loyalty??? but buck did!!!

the kitchen scene is another one!! they were 1000% flirting. buck taking a step closer with his hand on his belt and eddie with that lil smirk and his stupid lil beer bottle???? PLEASEEEE.

also idk, u can just see eddie is different with buck. like, sure eddie has some friends and u can even see him with tommy but in my opinion he acted very hey bro! hey dude! and friendly.

but with buck it just feels different???? like he’s always reaching out to him and for him he's always calling, or dropping by bucks apartment, or inviting him over, or involving him in chris' life, talking to him more than he talks to his actual gfs and confiding in him more than he does anyone else. he rests his hand on bucks shoulder when he wants to comfort him and he just looks at buck so !!!! idk. i think its just a different behavior and air???? im probably not expressing myself correctly bc im literally falling asleep, so hope this makes sense. <33

[lover-of-mine]

Hi, hi, hello, here I am again to sound insane about buddie. First, is this speculation? A meta? A canon adjacent fic idea I don't have the skill to execute? Wishful thinking? All of the above? I'm not sure, I just saw a pattern and my brain came up with something very elaborate that I will now tell you about. Also, maybe read this first because that connection is the one that pushed this into place, and if you want more thoughts on Buck and death.

So, if you're new here, I live in a delusional land called they casted Ryan with a plan that recently added a neighborhood called did they tell Ryan Eddie is Buck's endgame? so I'm always looking for something to prove me right because I refuse to believe someone accidentally set up what could be the slow burn to end all slow burns, and I found an interesting pattern after watching Abandon ‘Ships and things escalated. 

But the thing is that Buck and Eddie's relationship is tied with the concept of death. Both of them have very intricate relationships with death individually, but together too. I was thinking about the “we might end up real close” as the very dark joke Buck was actually going for, with the way if that grenade had gone off, there would be no telling them apart in the blast, but it got me thinking about the way Buck is signing up to die with Eddie. They both walk into that ambulance knowing they might very well not walk out, and the fact that they did, is what makes them bond. The wording of “you can have my back any day” is very interesting to me because Eddie is not saying “I will take care of you” he is saying “I trust you to take care of me” and that's a real intense thing to say to the coworker who was picking a fight with you half an hour before. But they bonded over a promise of keeping each other alive that they were forced to keep over and over again. 

And a lot of major changes in their relationship start with a deadly situation. They could have died pancaked on that building after the earthquake, and after that Chris got introduced into their dynamic. The truck explosion had Eddie reversing into being a medic to treat Buck even though it made more sense for him to be using his strength to help lift the truck. The tsunami started the realization that Buck loves Chris like he is his kid, and also had Eddie explicitly affirming the trust he has in Buck. The well made Eddie change his will. That warehouse fire on Buck Begins, Eddie is the first one to Buck's line and he's also waiting for Buck after he gets checked out. Buck saved Eddie's life during the shooting, the will reveal also established how well Eddie knows Buck. They got held at gunpoint together and Buck's automatic reaction to the gunshot is to run towards it because Eddie might be in danger. Buck broke Eddie's door down to help him after his breakdown that was triggered by death, and Buck also had a moment where he thought he would be finding Eddie's body. And Buck actually gives Eddie hope after it all by giving Eddie a good thing about the situation that led him to get shot. 

We established this pattern, but I want to talk about the lightning in more detail because, unlike any situation before, Buck actually died. Eddie doesn't hesitate to go up what's basically a wet lightning rod to get to Buck after the strike even though he had been thrown off the truck, Eddie also performs CPR even though he was driving the ambulance, and it is Eddie shocking Buck that gets his heart beating again. It's almost as if he was, I don't know, welcoming him back to the world of the living? (Ba dum tss lol this is mostly a joke but please keep this in mind)

So we have Eddie literally bringing Buck back from the dead. But Buck is not ready to deal with the consequences and implications of what happened to him, which is understandable, I guess, with his relationship with life and death, but Buck not dealing with it makes it so Eddie won't fully deal with it either. 

Buck is a passively suicidal savior baby and Eddie is a widower. If Daniel didn't get sick Buck wouldn't have been born and Eddie is the last one standing. And that's a lot about how they deal with death. Buck acts as if he's not looking for death but doesn't mind if death finds him and Eddie is burdened by the people he couldn't save. And the thing with Buck's death is that Buck realized that he does care if death finds him and Eddie thinks that since Buck is alive, he doesn't get to feel the grief for the time Buck was dead, not fully at least. 

So they were at a very interesting point where Eddie is constantly around Buck, and is the place Buck runs to when he gets overwhelmed, and Buck is extremely off balance over the fact that he did die this time and he's not sure how to feel about it. But since Buck wasn't ready to look at everything about his death, how he felt about it, how it affected the people he loves, how it took away his coping mechanism when it comes to being in danger since his reaction was always “but I didn't die” or “I didn't get the worst of it” because he did die and he did get the worst of it, so Buck finds a safe place to hide where he can look at his death through the eyes of someone who wasn't affected by it. 

I was always curious about why the cemetery scene happened in a cemetery. Why Buck and Eddie are visiting the grave of someone who didn't die on their watch. Why a conversation about Buck's feelings about death and wanting to forget it happened, happened in a cemetery. And the location of the conversation ties the conversation to the concept of death in the broad sense that keeps tying Buck and Eddie together. Not considering the breakup aspects of the conversation, the cemetery scene is actually about Buck running away from the way death made him feel, he is drawn to this person who thinks death is cool, so he won't have to see his death as a tragedy and now I also think there is a layer about making Eddie realize he needs to let Buck accept what happened before he can help Buck past it. 

In the locker room, Buck is talking about death as something that got boring since it was all Natalia ever wanted to talk about. We will never know the original plan for that relationship, but considering the focus on her being a death doula, I feel like that was always the point, put Buck in a space where he can look at death as something that's not scary anymore. But the scene also ends with Eddie welcoming him back to the world of the living. Eddie has ridiculous survival skills, Buck survived a lot, yeah, but Buck always ends up in these life-or-death situations by accident. He choked on bread, the bomb wasn't aimed at him, the blood clots were a very unlikely complication of the surgery he had on his leg, the odds of getting caught in a tsunami are ridiculously low, and he got struck by lightning. Eddie was out at war, he was targeted by a sniper, he saved his own life on the well, and he tries to pull people out with him. He has now learned to live with the way everyone he saved on that chopper died, but he even blamed himself for the one guy he couldn't save that time. Eddie is not afraid of death, but he is afraid of being the one left alive. Buck on the other hand is almost afraid of what it means that he is alive. So Buck's passively suicidal tendencies, something that Eddie deeply understands about Buck “you act like you're expendable” are something that scares him. Because pre-lightning Buck doesn't really care if he is alive. And since Buck wasn’t ready to talk about what dying did to him, Eddie doesn’t know that Buck now may want to actually live. He doesn’t know that Buck chose to come back, that he fought for it. 

But if death is now something boring, Buck can actually do something about being alive because he wants to. He can actually be in the world of the living because he wants to be, because he believes he has the right to be. He can actually find a place where he doesn’t believe his life matters less. 

And when it comes to Eddie, with the focus on Shannon that we got recently, he can also find a space where he’s not trying to find her. Accept that she was a big part of his life, accept he will always miss her, and find something new. 

Oliver and Ryan have been talking a lot about vulnerability and Buck and Eddie leaning on each other, and with the locker room conversation, their relationship with death individually and together, the fact that the cruise disaster is on the horizon and while we know Buck and Eddie were filming in cruise and out in the sea they are barely in the promo of it, my own Buck will drown speculations (you can read about that here), and the general they will be in danger on the cruise feelings, I think that could mean Buck and Eddie are moving to a place where they could be a couple that works. There’s a lot of talk about the friendship aspect of their relationship and we’ve seen that a lot in the first episode already, but they are chilling in this space where they can talk to each other freely, and getting Buck to a place where he wants to be alive for himself not for what he can offer other people and Eddie to a place where he accepts the people he couldn’t save without it narrowing the way he deals with his relationships. I talk a lot about how Eddie overcorrects, and one complaint Shannon had was that he wasn’t all the way in with her, so he goes too fast with Ana and might be doing the same with Marisol because he’s trying to fix that mistake with someone else, but accepting that what he has with Buck is its own thing that works, and all he needs to do is be open about what he wants could be the push that puts him in the path of loving Buck fully, the same way Buck just goes along with things because he mostly believes he shouldn’t be alive, so why should he want things, so to have Buck get to the place where he realizes that he has what he wants right on his reach, he just needs to ask for it is ideal. 

I made this edit not that long ago, and it’s almost a poem, about how Eddie doesn’t think what he has to offer is enough, so he won’t say what he means, and Buck thinks he needs to settle for what he’s offered, so he won’t ask for more, and how that’s an immovable object meeting an unstoppable force, and they need to move off that impasse for that relationship to work. And being in the world of the living together and finding the little things that make them happy along with all the tragedy that surrounds them, can put them on that path. 

Their whole relationship is about keeping each other alive, Eddie straight up offers Buck a reason to live, why can’t they just find a way to make each other feel alive?

I said up there about how Buck signed up to dying with Eddie by going in that ambulance, and with everything about Buck, Actually (i recommend you read this for Buck actually thoughts about buddie) and how he latched on to the way Thomas and Mitchell died together after hearing about the life they had together, it's important for Buck to realize that point is not to die together, but to have the life together, and I feel like Buck is in the path to understanding that, and Eddie is ready to be happy, this could be it.

They could be learning to be alive together and finding out they want to be together.

As always, if you read this, I love you 💜