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astracora · 1 month ago

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Turning Point - Part 4

Characters: Poly!LADs x gn!mc

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Angst, Loss of Arm, Lots of emotional struggle with disability, Xavier Anecdote and Lightseeker Myth mentions.

Word Count: 4584

Written: 7th January 2025

Notes: Pre-relationship with gn!MC with all LADs, with my personal pov of the game and lil headcanons littered in. Unnamed MC, but using my personal MC's basic appearance and adjusted backstory. I take some liberties with what the game offers me. This one was rough for a lot of reasons. Also I think about how Xavier is the only confirmed character to watch MC die in his arms, way more than I should. So I feel like guilt is an emotion he would have to contend with the most. I'm also beyond heartbroken we didn't get him sobbing or reacting in game. Also I wrote like, so many side things while I was trying to work this bit out. But I've also gone back to chapter 3 to change the timeframe for Raffy's exhibit, so I can write out the chapter for him properly. (chapter? part?)

Now Playing: Starlight, by STARSET

Masterlist AO3

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Xavier can't focus, he knows Nero is talking to him. If he had to make a guess, he knows the topic… he just can't make himself hear it.

He doesn't dislike Nero, and while he couldn't care less about the topic of Lumiere, least of all when you talk about him, he normally listens. Because Nero likes Xavier, and is comfortable talking to him, and has zero interest in flirting with you.

It's a low threshold… he's aware he's a selfish creature. If the new companions he'd acquired weren't willing to die for you too, he probably would have less patience for them. Even if sometimes they do press on the edges of his tolerance.

It's probably part of his punishment…

For not being there.

For letting you get hurt.

"Xavier?"

"Xaviiiiiier?"

"Hey!"

His nose is held, and he jolts upright, looking forwards with wide eyes at Tara and Nero who are frowning.

"Are you alright?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to bore you."

He shakes his head, trying to clear what you've dubbed his 'storm cloud', "Just tired."

Tired. Angry. Hurting. He let you down, and now you're suffering even more.

He thinks about the you he left behind, the future he turned his back on. He thinks about the throne, and the ship he chartered.

He thinks about every life he's taken to protect yours. All the blood on his hands.

With all of his vigilance, all of his love, it took moments to almost lose you. Again.

"You should head home, we don't have any missions, and you'll just fall asleep again." Tara laughs, pushing a paper bag towards him, "And take this back for them, alright?"

He's about to do so, when he sees documents on Nero's desk. Sketches of prosthetic arms, augmented with wanderer designs. "What are you doing?"

Nero jumps, shoving the paper back but too slowly, Xavier picks it up to peer at it. Alongside the sketches are notes.

'Adjust the metal casing so it can be used as an emergency shield.' 'Nerve transmitters that work from the brain, requires less input from residual limb.' 'Bioorganic materials from wanderers reduce rejection rate?' 'Will they want patterns? Or something more skin-like?'

He looks at Nero, from all the notes, even some he can't read because the handwriting is quick and frantic, "What's this?"

The man in question looks down, his glasses almost falling off his nose, "I was talking to some of the other hunters who have a prosthetic. or lost a limb."

"I was doing the talking, Nero was taking notes."

He nods, looking a little more backed up with Tara next to him, "I wanted to find out what they could have used more when they started working again. Ways I could help them." He blinks then, looking startled, "They're coming back right?"

Tara looks at Xavier too, and he feels like he's under a microscope, because her face has changed. Fear lurking in frantic eyes.

"They will." He affirms, because you're aiming to, and he knows you don't give up. You'll stumble, trip, fall and bleed… but you'll get up and start running again.

He thinks about the you he left behind, and the you now.

Scarred and angry, aching at the edges. He thinks of the laughter when you finish a mission, fist bumping him with glee. The photos he has of you where you're smiling. Even if you don't smile as wide as Tara does, even if the scars tug at your lips. He thinks about your eyes, glittering with mischief, as you steal something off his desk.

When you can't stop laughing when you ask to try his light blade, flashing teeth like a cat. Heated cheeks but amused. He shares a blush, but he wishes you wouldn't tease.

You're different, with overlaps in parts.

He misses your smile.

"Nero, can you help me with something?"

—-

When he gets back to the apartment building, the moon high in the sky, he wants to see you straight away… but his hunter uniform is dirty, and he wants to relax. Release the strain of the day. So he stops off, changes, and sees some of the doctor's clothes next to his bed.

He's not sure what made him offer his apartment as a secondary place to stay. He's not sure if it was the relief in your eyes when you saw them all there the next morning, or the guilt that he wasn't enough alone to protect you.

Regardless, he made a choice. Even though only the doctor seems to use it. Rafayel prefers to sleep on the floor, if he sleeps at all with his projects, Sylus drifts in and out like a ghost… he only stays when he stays next to you.

He finds himself sleeping against your bed when you do, when he's not fighting. Trying to chase out the guilt with his sword.

As he makes his way back to your apartment, he sees a note on the fridge.

Plate in fridge, reheat it.

With a sketch of a round crow… he thinks it's wearing a neck ruff?

"Courtesy of kitten," The voice is even, and he sees Sylus at the kitchen table. Prosthetic in hand, as he goes through motions they all know. Cleaning and tending to it. "The crow, that is. The food is me. An extra plate is easy."

Xavier would question the intelligence of eating food made by a criminal, but if he trusts Sylus' food in your hands, he doesn't fear it in his own. "Thanks." He doesn't want to think too hard about this. About the state of things. The people around him that he never would have met without you.

He fractures at the idea that he can't be enough to protect you.

He'll eat it later, when guilt doesn't turn his stomach.

"If you're going to check in on them, do it quietly." Sylus doesn't look up at him, content to ease leather with careful hands and cloth, "They finally got to sleep."

He bristles a little, at being told to be careful with you, eyes narrowing and cold, but it is not received. The man even has the nerve to begin humming, low and under his breath. Out of tune. Xavier doesn't think he's ever met another man so impossibly unbothered by the world around him.

The words are ignored, received with a huff, and he walks past, towards your bedroom. You're alone today, no Rafayel lay on the bed with you, sketching, no Zayne, reading in the dark, as you sleep. You are curled around a large plushie of a narwhal, arm clutching it to your chest as you mutter through your dreams.

It is a relief to see the steady movement of your breathing. Though he still does not settle down until he places a hand on your cheek, feeling the exhale. You're alive, you're here, and you're under his hands.

The guilt calms down, as he reminds himself of that.

Instead of going back out to eat, Xavier settles down on the floor, back pressed to the bed, cheek on the mattress. Watching you. It is one of the few times he is relieved for his ease of sleep. So he can drift off, watching you live.

—----

The next morning, he places a cup of coffee next to your bedside table, and gives a nod to Sylus who has been reading one of your books, before returning to the Hunter's Association. He comes face to face with an excited Nero.

He almost takes a step back. Very nearly turns around and walks out, before he remembers he asked for something, "Xavier!"

Tara is following close behind, hiding her laughter behind her hand, "He's been waiting by the door for you."

"Three people responded that they're interested in talking to you. They're also happy to have notes taken, so I can help."

He wasn't sure he'd hear anything this quickly, he supposes he shouldn't be that surprised. Nero fixates on something, just as much as you do. His fixation tends to come in bursts of problem solving, yours comes in biting and tearing and clawing to the solution.

"Alright, let's go."

Jenna gives him time to talk, and he walks with Nero to a room where the three people are sat, chatting between themselves.

They still, and watch as he hesitates. An older man chuckles at him, waving his one hand, "Sit down, lad. We don't bite."

It moves his feet, into a chair, but not his mouth. He needs to move forwards, but he's not sure how.

What can he say? How can he help you? What words are there to help you move forwards?

He thinks about the trembling in your body, the tears that won't fall in your eyes. He is stuck. Xavier is stuck, like he's holding you under a meteor shower again. Shaking you.

Begging. For something.

A miracle.

"Nero already told us about your partner." A woman speaks, she sports a flexible keel prosthesis, "Not that we don't know about UNICORNs, you lot don't half make some noise." Her voice is cool, level, but she has a small smile. Warm eyes.

It eases him. "I wanted-"

"To ask questions right, lad? I can talk for hours for you."

So he lets them, as he listens. The old man works in analytics, collating information for the Association. He was born without his hand. Tried prosthetics, none took, he didn't want to keep trying.

"I accepted it straight away, my husband stood beside me. There are problems, but we work through them."

The young female hunter is from one of the Beta teams. Lost her foot in a fight with a wyrm, saved her partner in the process.

"I thought I'd accepted it, took the prosthetic training, everything went well. It was two years later, when I woke up one day, burst into tears. Couldn't stop." She fidgets, toying with her fingers for a moment, before straightening up, "Sometimes I still get sad, like I'm finally processing it, but normally it's just another day. It's a tool, not part of me, but it gave me most of my independence back. So even when I'm sad, I hold to that."

The third hunter twirls a pen around their prosthetic fingers, they're an arctic hunter, in the area for training. There's a large scar down their eye, and they don't react visually to the others, but leans forward to speak. They don't reveal how they gained their prosthetic.

"Didn't accept it, not for a long time. Woke up everyday angry, got reckless. Almost died." They exhale, deep, slow, tired, "Sometimes I'm still angry, but I'm still a fighter. I can still help my squad. So it's worth it. Took me longer to get around to using it than most, I dragged my feet, didn't want to learn for ages. It was my partner that got me moving, came to check in on me. Called me a fool, 'one life, idiot, keep living it'. So I did."

"It's hard sometimes, but people handle it differently."

Xavier sits and listens, they give tips on coming back to working as a hunter, they share everything he could even think to ask. Warm and ready, and understanding. They ask to meet you when you're back, tease him about his name and yours.

You're one of Jenna's best for a reason. Those hunter's reels certainly get watched a lot.

He tries not to think about the advertisements he's had to star in, either alongside you or alone. He's just relieved he doesn't get recognised as Lumiere.

That conversation would be even longer.

Hunters live a job at risk, he's aware of that… he can't stop thinking about it.

"Kid." He looks up, wants to correct the man, decides against it, "It's alright to be struggling, worrying about your partner. They're not gone though. Don't sit in the past. Get help yourself, but remember to share with them. Let that partner of yours know how you feel, they'll feel less isolated."

His shoulders jump, the chill in his back. He's been fatalising. Acting like you're broken when he knows that's what you're fearing. Thinking of you like you're gone, when you're right in front of him.

Stuck in the past…

Guilt and pain and worry making him think about you like he'll lose you if he stops.

You're alive, and you're moving forwards, and he needs to as well. With you. "Thank you." This thanks, he thinks, feels more honest. Like he's not biting his tongue to say it.

When Xavier returns home, he doesn't mind the plate left in the fridge for him.

He doesn't mind that the most wanted man of Philos is chuckling with your head in his lap, because he joins you on the sofa, and listens to you tell them about your sessions.

He has to remember you're capable of protecting yourself, you've always wanted to stand equal. Protecting others, as much as they protect you. Stubborn, and proud, to a fault sometimes.

As you smile, small and crooked at him, he offers you the notes he and Nero finished compiling.

You read them, eyes wide, and glimmering, before wrapping your arm around his neck.

"Thank you Xavier."

It's good to not be alone, he thinks. It's been far too long. Too many he's had to lose… That he's forgotten how to reach out, how to even take a hand, let alone stop himself from holding too tight out of fear.

He doesn't want to forget your future.

Even when Sylus smirks, calls him a little knightling, and he debates if you really need a support system that includes the criminal.

—----

Progress is steady. You struggle, and you stumble. But you remember the laughter in the kitchen and the beast dropping off your back to curl about your ankle.

You think about the notes handed to you by Xavier, carefully recorded accounts of acknowledgment, support… life.

You think about Tara, Simone and Nero. How much you want to get back to standing alongside them.

You think about gentle hands taking care of you in the bathroom while you shivered, and warm meals with arguing voices.

You think about Caleb. What he'd say if he were with you.

And you take one step at a time.

When you are not in front of Doctor Rin, clinging far too tightly to whoever's hand is turning bone white in your grip, you are practicing at home.

She's asked you what your goal was, the point you're aiming for.

It is easier, she reminds you, to have something to achieve.

It's an easy question, you want to be back in the field again, you want to make your life mean something. You want to fight alongside the people you trust, and not leave them to flounder alone.

When you are a hunter again, and taking on missions, that's when you'll have achieved your goal. You tell her, hand in a fist.

Her smile overlaps with Gran's, the day you'd told her and Caleb you got into the academy. You think about the way he'd poked you in the forehead, then ruffled your hair, 'Way ta go pipsqueak.'

You think he'd be pulling your hand, running forwards, if he were here. Just like he pulled you forwards everytime you got injured in a fight. Just like he pulled when you wanted to give up.

The memory keeps you from stopping.

Over the course of weeks, you set yourself challenges.

It starts with challenging yourself to hold your prosthetic.

It's not as heavy as you think it should be. The logical part of your brain reminds you that it's built for hunters specifically, and is replacing your arm.

It's that logical part of your brain that stops you from throwing it away from you. It is a tool, you tell yourself. Something that will ensure you can still be a hunter. That eventually, at the end of this, you will be able to go back to doing what you should be doing. Using your life to help others. No matter how short it is.

Some days it feels like it burns you when you place your hand on it. Those days, you leave your room, and sit by Rafayel as he paints. Watching him work, seeing the world he sees.

You ask him questions about his work, even though part of you worries you'll disturb him. He never indicates you are, answering you happily. You think he's happy to share, you hope he is. You're happy to listen.

One day you see his open sketchbook.

For a second, you see a sketch of you, worn and tired… but alive. Your body scarred, but you tremble to see yourself looking like art on his page.

You close the book, placing it back by his canvas, and go back to the prosthetic. To try again.

You learn to wear it, for short periods of time a day, to build up to throughout the day.

You start off, managing twenty minutes, before you have to rip the thing off. Relieved when Zayne catches your hand, stopping you from doing any damage to it. Before he helps you ease yourself out.

The straps are easy to adjust with one hand, but when you want it off, it feels as though you are on fire. Tearing at clothing melting into your skin.

He sits next to you and massages your residual limb, fingers easing hair from your face, tracing lines on your cheek. The fire in your body settles at the cool touch of his hands, and you settle again.

Later, you try again. When it burns, you remember the ice of Zayne's touch, and keep going.

The next stage is to clean it. You learn the motions, you study how to do it. Sat in the living room, tools to your side, figuring out how best to do it with one hand.

There are days when you drop the tools. Trying hard not to sob as they tumble to the floor. Choking back tears as your hand doesn't work the way you want it too. As you fail to follow the steps correctly. As you spill leather conditioner on the table, or the carpet.

In those moments, someone will join you at your side. Sylus will pull the tools away, and sit next to you, running through the motions he's been learning as he's watched you. Overtime, it becomes routine. He masters the steps before you do, assisting you, cleaning out the inner socket alongside as you gently clean the leather straps. Other times, Xavier, hesitant and unsure about touching your prosthetic, joins you. Head in your lap. You speak the steps out loud, running through them so he can learn them with you. The next time, he does it himself, calm and kind and warm. Smiling at you as he does so.

Everyday is a day to take your medication, your wounds are healing well, and with the care of those around you, you are coming away with scars, but no longer bleeding through bandages.

The final challenge is the practice, the movement and the acquainting yourself with the movement of your limb.

You sit in the hospital room you can't stand, hand anchored in Sylus', who has joined you for today. It is another day, and the weight of walking through corridors has eased somewhat. You know the passage of time means things become easier, you're used to that. The flow, the adjustment. The steps forward, and stumbles back.

Your heart has given you some experience in this.

Doctor Rin greets you easily, awaiting your arrival. As soon as she sees you, she smiles. It is that same warm smile that makes the ghosts lurk at your shoulders. It is an exhale to steady you, before you return it with a half smile. Hard enough to offer expressions, without the added grief pulling you back.

It passes easier than you expect. An introduction to the exercises you need to practice, information about not forcing yourself until you hurt. To take breaks and come back to it, if you fail five times, stop. Try again later.

To practice every day. It is a skill you have to learn. Not unlike when you were learning to use your weapons, struggling to learn how to aim. Falling down everytime you swung a claymore.

It is simple things. Can you open and close your new hand? Can you rotate your wrist?

It is a mountain, one you are scared to try to climb.

There is the stable hand in yours, a man who chuckles at you as you look at him, seeking out something in molten eyes. You don't like being weak in front of Sylus, despite him offering you the space to be yourself. It is a long standing fear.

You are more scared to be alone, however, so you turn back to the doctor.

You remind yourself of boxing training with Sylus, who teases you when you don't punch fast enough, but takes you in earnest. Rights your stance. Watches you practice. Praises you for improvement.

Challenges you to be better.

This is another tool you can use, something to enable you to fight again. To stand by him and fight again.

So you follow the doctor's instructions. It is an almost unconscious feeling. She has explained how the transmitters work, but you don't want to think about it too much. Understanding is something, you need it to be instinctual. If it's not, you won't be able to fight again.

Still, you feel yourself overextend. Overcompensate movement where it was once easy. The hand stares back at you as you watch it, and you try to remember what you used to do. Extend. Feel where the muscles should tense along your shoulder. Close. Open.

It reacts, but it is slow. Metal fingers steadily opening, closing. You try to twist your wrist, but it doesn't move the way you want. Frustration builds. You try again. You feel your shoulder twitch but nothing happens.

Your teeth grit, and you try again.

"Kitten." The voice calls you back, a firm grip takes your chin, turning your head to focus on his molten eyes again. There is a twinkle in there, his normally ever present smirk has evened out. Serious but calming. You watch the red of his eyes swirl, and you feel him smooth his thumb across your cheek. "Don't chase your tail, take a deep breath, try again."

He pushes you forwards. Always. Testing your limits, watching you grow.

You think about ways you'd trained your body to fight, ways you made yourself stronger. Running with Zayne, practicing with the blade with Xavier, maneuvers with Rafayel, strength training with Sylus. You are not going to stop until you learn how to use this.

Until you achieve that goal.

This time, when you try, it comes a little easier, as you calm yourself down. Heart settling into a steady rhythm and you watch the hand move. Twisting the wrist, opening and closing it. Pride settles in your chest, as you grin at it. Relief and satisfaction, that you haven't failed. You turn and you twist and watch in awe.

The fingers open a little quicker, you practice moving them but the individual movements are sluggish, and you try to pick things up, but you drop them more than you hold them.

When Sylus nudges you with his shoulder, smirking at you, you take on the pride in his eyes, and you keep moving forwards.

You hit a wall when you have to stretch it out properly, bending the elbow joint, but you settle.

You take the challenge.

It is a mountain you will learn to climb.

You learned how to be a hunter, you can learn this.

As you walk home with Sylus, twisting the arm despite your fatigue, he chuckles, "You look like you've received a new toy. You're like this when I get you a new gun."

You sniff at him, poking him with the metal hand, though its clumsy and more of a full hand than a finger. Marvelling at the feeling of heat from him that comes through the prosthetic. "You just wait, soon I'll be swinging a sword again."

He pauses, looking at you, and then laughs. A chuckle that shakes his hand in yours, and then pulls you in to flick your forehead, "Alright Kitten, let's get you there."

The exercises continue at home, you move into the kitchen while Sylus cooks, to practice with a ball. The more you do it, the easier it gets to learn the motions. Every new thing you try, however, is a hurdle you feel sick to overcome.

Sometimes the movement refuses to do as you want. So you remove it, and try not to cry, try not to drown, and find a distraction.

When you try to pick up a cup, you watch in horror as you drop it, smashing it across the floor. Sylus pulls you away from the fragments, soothing the upset, over breaking something. Over failing. Over being this.

After that you stick to things that won't break, won't hurt you. It still aches when you drop something, when you fail. You're never alone in the pain for too long, there is always a constant, someone there to keep you from spiralling.

The more they catch you, the less you need catching. Until you pick up a cup, and you laugh. Pride brimming. An achievement, no broken shards. A tool you are learning to use.

Later, when you're tired, but relieved, you sit at the kitchen table as Sylus sings along to a song in your playlist as he cooks, there is no Rafayel to argue with, so he seems far calmer. Happy. He always seems happy when he sings.

"Sy?"

He hums, looking back at you. His smiles are often more warm eyes than movement of his mouth, quirks and twitches. "What's wrong Kitten?"

You hesitate, thinking about how many days you've seen him stood at the counter, preparing food for you, and the others. It is guilt on your shoulders, but it is also relief and thankfulness. He is a warm presence, always answering the phone when you need him. "Can I help?"

He shrugs, "Sure, come and stir." So you join him, it is not a hard task, but you feel a little more like you're here. Helping.

Living and not existing. The creature at your ankle stirs and purrs, eased and happy.

You haven't heard it settle in such a long time.

"Thank you." You speak, staring into the pot, watching the swirling at the end of your spatula.

The man stands next to you and shrugs, unbothered, "Not a problem, kitten. I've told you, ask, demand, request. You can be greedy with me." He reaches over and flicks your forehead, before tapping your nose. "I'm always here for you. Even if you do let our food burn."

You panic as the heat bubbles over, and quickly turn it down, and he simply laughs at you. So you elbow him in the side, and revel in the way his laugh blossoms harder.

When you eat with everyone that evening, you help ladle out food, and set the table. You don't run away to the darkness of your room, and you add the laughter around you to your collection of reasons to keep moving.

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raven-at-the-writing-desk · 2 months ago

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im so excited for the new yuu... waiting for them to join the manga yuu family...... is there any traits you'd like them to have? maybe to parallel or completely contrast jamil, since he's the OB boy this time around?

tbh I hope they keep it up w the different body types rep 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ it's nice to see that even if they keep the "pretty average boy/girl" motif (?), they are trying different stuff w them. I hope we have more varied yuus in the future (goes for the anime too !!! I'm curious to see what that yuu is going to be like as well- or if they're just gonna adapt the manga and nor change the yuus, I wouldn't mind that either tbh)

[Referencing this news! More about the mangaka here.]

I don't really have a preference for what traits the new Yuu for the Episode of Scarabia has. I can't really find myself getting invested in the manga Yuus because I know that they won't stick around for very long (and definitely not long enough to have any sort of meaningful character arc). I also think it's disappointing that we get these characters that seem to be intentionally designed to be foils to the OB boys, but we never really get additional interactions between the Yuu and the OB boy that would add more meaning to their relationship or flesh out how that Yuu helps the OB boy change over time. Real missed opportunity there.

Some common ideas I've seen floating around for the Scarabia arc Yuu are:

Princess Jasmine coded (and/or at least femme) Yuu

someone in a servant position but, unlike Jamil, they are not resentful of their role and instead is optimistic about the future

"rags to riches" Yuu

I also know that some people are hoping for a dark-skinned or a Middle Eastern Yuu, but this in of itself is not a character trait so I'm not counting this in the list. Ideally I would like more variety in our Yuus (not just in race or gender, but in other factors like age or occupation) but I don't know how likely it will be that Twst actually commits to it (especially since the latter may change the interactions by a lot). I'm not even sure if they'd step outside of the box for designs/backstories if it doesn't contribute anything to the narrative foils they're trying to set up. Like, I'm pretty sure the manga team didn't decide to make Yuuta (the Yuu for Octavinelle) a large boy for the sake of diversity but rather to show Azul you can still love yourself and be content even if your body is a certain way. (I discuss the manga Yuus and how they contrast with their respective OB boys more here!) I don't see what making the Scarabia Yuu dark-skinned, Middle Eastern, or a different body type does to add to or enhance Jamil's character. It's not like Yuuka (for Savanaclaw) had to be dark-skinned or African to be Leona's foil, or Yuuken (for Heartslabyul) had to be small and British to be Riddle's foil, right? But both Yuuka and Yuuken were physically fit; we had a strong woman (with a scar in her design to match Leona) that played righteously to contrast Leona's underhandedness and a disciplined but kind man to show Riddle you can maintain a level of sternness without being overbearing on your peers. They were given character traits, rather than solely physical traits, which reflect their OB boy. It would be great to have the diversity, yes! Again though, I don't think the mangaka are designing Yuus with diversity in mind, but rather what the design does for the characters of the OB boys.

Finally, in regards to the anime, it has been announced to be an adaptation of the manga. That, presumably, means we will see the manga Yuus of each book's arc animated. Until we get news that states otherwise, I'm assuming this to be the case.

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blade-liger-4ever · 4 months ago

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Why I'm not big into TFP Arcee

Now don't get me wrong, TFP Arcee is the only version of the character I'll ever give almost 100% respect. However, I'm really tired of all the gushing and praise she gets, and that's not counting how much I ended up hating her in S2. Now, admittedly, most of my beef with her is in her treatment of Smokescreen, but in light of @chaoticcreatorgardendean's points about her characterization in S1, I'll lightly tackle her problems there.

No worries, this - shouldn't, I hope - be as bad as my dressing down of Jack.

So, when Arcee is introduced, we're told in pretty rapid fashion that she's 1 an aft-kicker in her own right, 2 has a traumatic backstory that left her with a procupine-like exterior to everyone, and 3 that she's very much not all that caring. Yes, I clearly recall her protective streak with Jack; however, that came after she ditched housesitting duty in favor of blowing off steam on patrol. Right here, we see a couple of vices to Arcee's character: she's arrogant in how her skills are used (further emphasized with her arguing against being Jack's guardian), and that she is irresponsible. Face it, she knows better than anyone in the audience that Bulkhead's got a spine made out of chocolate when it comes to kids or pressure of any kind that's not from a Decepticon. To leave him in charge with Miko, the single most strong-willed being in this continuity after Optimus and Megatron, is so reckless and immature that it borders on stupidity. No, she didn't realize that Miko would join the battlefield, but it's pretty dang clear that Miko is a force of nature unto herself. Butter spines + Bombs of willpower = the Butter spines losing. That's just a fact, and it tells us that Arcee, while pretty and bad-butt, has many flaws.

Then comes her saga of arcs with Jack. Not only is she shown to be immature and hypocritical when the race episode comes up, but she also chafes/bites back at authority, even from Optimus. Don't forget, anytime Airachnid or Starscream/revenge was on the table, she flew off the handle and went straight for the kill, practically giving the finger to Optimus numerous times while doing so. Heck, I don't think Optimus even grounded her at base for her insubordination, and while that's kinda respectable insofar as Optimus not being harsh to his pseudo family, it's a tactical risk when letting Arcee's wrath and hatred go unchecked or even unpunished. No joke, Arcee continually almost got herself and others killed when she was greedy for revenge or offended by a bratty kid; the fact that she's not really punished (I'm not counting the race episode because she still disobeyed orders to make Jack look good for the stupid chick) at all is a writing and military failure on everyone involved. Letting her get away with this and not learning from her mistakes, when even Miko (who was also filled to the brim with rage and grief) knew after killing Hardshell that it didn't change what she felt/what happened, is - I don't even know how to categorize it.

Yeah, it's relatable that Arcee is like this, but it's stupid that she doesn't learn, not to mention dangerous for those who try acting like her. In real life, there would have been severe consequences for her actions but, since this is fantasy land where strong females can do whatever and walk away scot-free, a blind eye is turned to Arcee.

Now we come to my biggest problem.

Her treatment of Smokescreen.

I understand that his attitude/personality at first is gonna grate on her nerves, but even slow Bulkhead gave him a better wakeup call by saying what amounted to, "Look at me, kid. You really think war is easy and that you can just go in guns blazing and jump us closer to victory?"

Pits of Kaon, that was literally more thoughtful and thought provoking than Arcee's demeaning points. All she ever did was make him the butt of her own sarcastic commentary, pick on him with various condescending nicknames, and then lash out whenever he was already kicking himself for messing something up. Smokescreen held himself to high standards, an issue that Bulkhead knew and empathized with due to his own insecurities, and tried to comfort him and lift the burden from his shoulders. Smokescreen wouldn't take it because he knew he'd been the one to fail, and felt like a failure and dead weight whenever his presence didn't bring something good to the table. He never wanted it to be all about glory, or fame, or really anything superficial. He just wanted to prove his worth, carry his weight, and do his part.

But Arcee never or wouldn't see that. Instead, she just saw a kid with a supposedly inflated ego and chose to read him the riot act when he was already doing that to himself fourteen different ways from Sunday. She didn't care enough about Smokescreen to actually listen and think "Okay, that's what's going on in his head"; she just wanted someone who would "take things seriously" and was gonna verbally abuse him until he "got the message".

Sweetheart, if you want him to mature, you help him by guiding his steps, nurturing his virtues, and helping him up when he's fallen. You don't do it by telling him how much he stinks for not grasping the state of things in the time it takes to blink, or by kicking him when he's down. All that tells him is that he's a waste of time for the people he's dedicated his whole life to helping, which in turn will make him self-destruct. Now luckily, Smokescreen was of a stronger constitution, and therefore shook off the doubt and fear of ineptitude when faced with bigger problems, but if he were anyone else, who's to say he wouldn't have eaten a bullet out of despair? Arcee would've then had the blood of an innocent life on her conscience, and nothing could have made up for that.

I do, objectively, like TFP Arcee, especially compared to her alternate counterparts.

I just can't stand how she got off so easily so many times.

Well, hope y'all enjoyed this, even though I'm pretty sure I did worse to her than I anticipated.

Til next time -

"Roll out!"

#transformers #transformers prime #tfp #tf prime #tfp starscream #tfp megatron #tfp optimus prime #tfp optimus #tfp smokescreen #tfp arcee #tfp arachnid #tfp miko #tfp miko nakadai #miko nakadai #tfp jack #tfp jack darby #jack darby

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tossawary · 6 months ago

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Thinking about how hard the "Star Wars" prequel films dropped the ball in terms of female representation. Like, looking back on the original trilogy, it kind of sucks that the only main female character is Leia, and while Leia does kick ass and I love her, it also sucks that the last film 1) put her in that bikini and 2) abruptly made her Luke's twin but didn't let her have a lightsaber or use a lot of the cool space magic powers.

When you only have one female character, she often ends up bearing the unintended burden of a lot of hopes and expectations of fans. She's just one person. She's never going to be compelling to everyone.

And then you have the prequels and you'd hope that they'd do a little better with male-female ratios this time? With experience? But the only main female character is Padmé, who's pretty fun, but also ends up 1) desperately in love with a murderer, 2) spending most of the last movie barefoot and pregnant, staring out a window, because they cut the "founding of the Rebellion" plotline, and 3) dying not because she was Force-choked but because she has "lost the will to live" because "fuck them kids", I guess.

(I know there's theories about Sidious siphoning her life force or what the fuck ever, but I don't caaaaare, because I hate the idea that Sidious has that kind of reach for no fucking reason and also it's not actually IN the movies! It doesn't count!)

The Nubian handmaidens are a cool concept, but they're all background characters, who barely get named. We don't get to actually see them and Padmé do a lot of on-screen work together. She doesn't get to confide in them regarding her love or her fears. She speaks to her guard captain more onscreen than her handmaidens.

And while we do see female members of the Jedi Order in the films, they're ALSO all background characters, like Jocasta Nu and Aayla Secura and Yaddle. As opposed to more active Jedi characters like Qui-Gon Jinn or Mace Windu. Like, damn, the prequels are the perfect opportunity to introduce and show off even a female Jedi supporting character, and they just did not do that. That sucks. The careless absence of women in this universe sucks. The careless absence of women as significant characters in these films sucks.

Every other piece of additional material for "Star Wars" has to move to patch this. The "Jedi Apprentice" and "Jedi Quest" novels strive to add and name female agemates and mentors. "The Clone Wars" television shows add Ahsoka as a protagonist and Ventress as a villain and a whole bunch of new female characters.

Yes, given that these are prequels, there are some characters who are not really realistically changeable. (Yes, trans people exist, obviously, that would be very cool; not sure that "Star Wars" was going to go for that back in 1999.) Obi-Wan. Anakin. Yoda. The Emperor. Unnamed Sad Mother of Luke and Leia. You need those ones. EVERYTHING ELSE was up for whatever they wanted to do.

So, anyway, I'm currently thinking about characters you could potentially genderbend without affecting the story pretty much at all. Qui-Gon, obviously. Mace Windu, as well. I think fandom would then hate both of these characters even more then, unfortunately, because fandom is what it is. Whatever legitimate criticisms levied at both of these imperfect characters would have increased tenfold, I am certain of it. But we're talking about the prequels's badly executed stories, not fandom's misogyny. (And misogynoir. A black woman as the leader of the Jedi Order when it was destroyed by the Sith? Fandom would have been even more of a fucking nightmare.) It would suck that they both die, but the prequels are a tragedy anyway, so, eh.

Bail's role in the prequels could have potentially been played by Breha Organa instead. Although, I don't know how well the Extended Universe novels had extended Leia's backstory by that point in time, maybe Bail had already been established as the Senator and Breha as Queen, so maybe not. At the very least, you could have had Mon Mothma in there doing his superspy stuff with him or something. Padmé's guard captain could have been a woman.

Both Darth Maul and Count Dooku could have been women. Yes, they're both evil, and yes, they both die, so it's not perfect on the representation front. But it's something, especially if you balance that out with some good characters, and look, I can't coherently complete this thought, I keep getting distracted by the mental image of hot evil Sith ladies. I think a female Count Dooku would have kicked ass, honestly, as much as I enjoy Christopher Lee in the role.

My main goal with this thought exercise is purely upping the number of plot-relevant female characters, pointing out that it wouldn't have been hard to add more women without changing all that much if anyone involved had actually bothered to think about that.

The original trilogy only mentioned "The Clone Wars", so the clone army didn't all need to be copies of Jango Fett. There could have potentially been a half-dozen genetic donors, with the Kaminoans creating different clone soldiers for different purposes. Some of them could have been clones of women. (I hold the unpleasant headcanon that the clone soldiers are all sterile (or functionally sterile, incompatible with unmodified humans) anyway, because the Kaminoans don't want clients to be able to "steal" their work.) And the clones are actually a fairly minor role in the films themselves, admittedly, not given any more development than any of the droids (it's the show that does the work), but again, it's still something more.

#tossawary star wars #character death #spoilers

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whateversawesome · 1 year ago

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SxF Chapter 91: Perspective, History, Empathy

Let me start by saying that I didn't think this chapter would make me so emotional. Was it the same for you?

A small side character like Millie, who we saw only as one of Yor's annoying co-workers, turned out to have a very sad backstory and gave us a glimpse of how things are for young people in Ostania.

This chapter talks a lot about people understanding and misunderstanding each other. Millie was just talking about her own experience and feelings, she was explaining why it was so difficult for her to help during an event like this, and that lady felt personally attacked because she saw things from her own point of view and her sufferings.

In no way the story discards any of those ladies' sufferings; what they went through during the war was very difficult, I'm sure. Nevertheless, comparing their sufferings and demanding Millie to act the same way just because they were able to do it, it's not right.

They both had different experiences because their circumstances were different, so they face life in their own way. That's exactly Yor's point.

Here, Yor demonstrates her best quality (and one of the many reasons why her husband fell in love with her): Emotional strength.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; Yor is a very emotionally intelligent character. The way she stood up for Millie displayed all her emotional strength. She called out that woman in such a smart way!! She wasn't rude but her words were true and very wise.

One of the most important things Yor mentions is that we cannot bear the same load because we're different. And I couldn't agree more👏

Also, if we take it as a metaphor, Yor is such a strong person because she carried a very heavy load: as a child and an orphan, she had to take care of her brother. Because of this, a naturally kind person like her had to learn to murder in order to survive.

It was a beautiful chapter. On top of everything, we learned a few important things:

1.Yor did lose her parents during the war and because of the war.

2.Donovan Desmond did NOT start the war. But plenty of young people like Millie don't know that, so it's possible that since he was Prime Minister during most of the war, he gets blamed for starting it.

3.Donovan Desmond is hated by many. That's probably the reason why he's no longer in office. And it also wouldn't be surprising that the majority of people in Ostania who voted against him want to move on from the war.

3.Melinda still wears her wedding ring and, even though she's separated from her husband, she still counts him as an important person for her. I guess, you can hate a person's actions and opinions, hate what they have become, but care about them at the same time...their marriage is complicated.

4.Not only Yor and Twilight fear the SSS because of their jobs. The general population do too because they know rich and powerful people can make them disappear regardless whether they are spies or not. That means arrests and disappearences of innocent people are common.

5.There was a repression during war time. This means the state controls and restricts certain rights of its citizens. When war happens, the state may determine it's necessary to protect their country and citizens. Chances are that policing of others started then and Ostanians got used to living like that.

And now some questions:

Was Melinda being sincere? In my opinion yes (for the most part). Melinda is no longer campaigning for her husband. In fact, she's going there incognito. Since her husband is no longer the Prime Minister and they don't have any elections to win, she doesn't have to support this types of events. If you think about it, once a politician retires from the public eye, their spouse generally goes back to their normal life.

Something that caught my attention was that it was mentioned Melinda has a lot of enemies; probably because her husband has a lot of enemies too. If that's the case, it would be easier for Melinda to move abroad, where she could have a care-free life, yet, she has chosen to stay in Ostania. Why?

Melinda is still a very mysterious character. We don't know her plans or intentions. We don't know why she separated from her husband. My only guess is that she's suffered a great deal and that's why she's able to empathize with Millie, even though their experiences are different.

What do you think?

Bonus (to end on a light note):

This is the Sxf when we see Yor 😄

#spy x family #twiyor #Spy x family manga #Sxf #Spy x family #yor forger #loid forger #anya forger #loidyor #loid x yor #agent twilight #Spy x family meta #spy x family analysis

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herecirmsims · 3 months ago

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Saxen for @simblorbo-bracket 's Saddest Wettest Meow Meow Bracket

You're probably most familiar with Sax as the Sim who's often used in my pose previews, but he does in fact have a whole life as the saddest and wettest little meow meow in my modern fantasy story over on IG. In fact I was first introduced to the SWMM concept because @nefaricussims referred to him as such in a comment. 😆

He's an original creation, based on a character in a novel I started writing 15 years ago and never had the guts to finish. In the Sims story version, he's a vampire mage.

Things Sax does extremely well: fainting and bleeding (separately), fainting and bleeding (combination), rotting in bed, crying or being completely stoic (no in between), causing more problems while trying to fix his previous problems, omitting certain truths (aka lying).

Now, I don't know if he really counts as an SWMM because he's not a classic villain... but in his pursuit of Doing The Right Thing he has made some awful choices. Good intentions, poor outcomes.

I present the evidence beneath the cut:

Some of his crimes:

In an attempt to save his sister, he left his post and facilitated the escape of a world-devouring entity which he was supposed to help contain.

After his sister died he made another attempt to save her, via necromancy, and instead doomed her to an endless cycle of death and rebirth. Until recently, none of her reincarnations were healthy enough to survive infancy.

He befriended the parents of this latest incarnation without filling them in on the backstory, or his motives. After they were killed by his enemy, he took the baby and kept her hidden for 11 years (did she have grandparents, uncles, aunts? Yes, probably. He claims they couldn't have cared for her like he did and technicallyyyy he's right, since her survival required magic, but...)

He broke the arm of one of his 'adopted' adult kids (he has an enchanted cottage which has been a refuge for a lot of people) when said adult tried to prevent him from killing someone else. Yes, technically he did only push Thom and didn't intend for Thom to hit the wall so hard, but...

Long story short but his home world didn't end, it was just knocked out of its timeline for a while. Unfortunately, due to his actions on the day the Grim escaped (attacking portal guards and forcing his way through the rift, just as an unrelated-to-him group stormed the castle), he was a) assumed dead and b) immediately arrested on his return for treason and attempted regicide.

He's a constant menace and cause of stress to his man, the kindest and sweetest soul to ever live. He doesn't mean to be, it's just that his attempts to keep Fen safe often seem to involve risking himself in increasingly creative and fatal ways.

Why should you vote for Sax? Well, I think his endless complex trauma and the fact that almost all his misfortunes happened because he was trying to fix things/help people makes him pretty damn tragic and definitely very damp. He could do with a win. Plus... look at him. 🥲

#sswmm #my sims #my dumb story

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mwolf0epsilon · 7 days ago

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The Unlucky Tug's season 13 & Hero of the Rails Retrospective video got me thinking about Spencer... As a character we really don't have much on him do we? (Which is ironically fitting since he's a private engine)

Come to think of it, most of what we know of Spencer are a handful of crumbs you can count off your fingers (that he's proud of being a speedster, that he enjoys his work as a private engine, that he's not overly fond of Sodor's engines, etc...), and just a few personality traits you can parse from watching how he interacts with others (which often amounts to him being a pompous jerk who cares more about his status than actually behaving in a way that upholds that status with grace). Other than that, we don't really know who he is or what he did before he became the Duke and Duchess of Boxford's privately owned engine...

Sure, he's an A4 Pacific but... Is he meant to be a specific one?

Every engine in the railway series and the tv shows has a proper basis one can refer to. Even if some of them are fictional members of a specific line of engines or heavily altered (Gordon as his class's imperfect but no less endearing prototype, Edward being a surviving member of his class despite all of the Larger Seagulls having been scrapped in actuality, James being a custom fleshed out in the series, and Henry being a personification of one class configuration being rebuilt into another, etc...the list is never ending here!) they still have a concrete basis you can look at and equate them to.

With that in mind... Is Spencer supposed to be one of the Silvers? The first batch of A4s that pulled the Silver Jubelee and didn't escape scrapping? If so, is he meant to be a fifth fictional member of the Silvers or is he actually one of them under a new identity?

I've seen the latter idea being toyed with a lot (and I do vibe with it because second chances at life freaking slap as a character arc!), but the former idea... The one where maybe he's a secret fifth member that was never really in prominence compared to his older siblings (overlooked and ignored)... It also does seem fitting doesn't it?

Especially considering none of his fellow Silvers survived.

What I'm getting at, is that Spencer strikes me as someone who's deeply insecure to the point he'll latch onto what he thinks is his (his status for example), and protects it with such jealous ferocity that it makes him a very difficult engine to get along with.

If he were one of the Silvers who somehow miraculously got bought by the Duke and Duchess of Boxford when he was going to be scrapped, it definitely makes sense why he tries to seem like he's more than he really is. Making himself out to be important would ensure he continues to remain useful enough that he won't see the cutter's torch so soon...

But it also makes him a potentially very unstable and volatile individual if he gets it in his funnel that someone is threatening his position/existence. Literally anything minor can be blown out of proportion. Including something as harmless as a cheeky little tank engine trying to show him up, and humiliating him in front of his lifeline...

Because trying to get a fellow steam engine scrapped due to a wounded ego is DEFINITELY a disproportional response to his petty squabble with Thomas. And his later reaction when Hiro rescues him shows this too. If Spencer were that much of a jerk that he is all for getting someone else scrapped, he wouldn't have changed his mind so easily.

Spencer's lack of a backstory not only bothers me, it also makes his behavior all that much more interesting to study under a microscope... Just what did he go through that THAT was the only way he thought was appropriate to get back at Thomas? Especially when later it becomes very apparent he didn't mean it...

Who were you Spencer? What did you see?

#Thomas and Friends #TTTE #ttte spencer #spencer the silver engine #I know for the most part he's supposed to be a foil for gordon so he's all of his bad traits cranked to 11 #but spencer CAN be nice if given the right circumstances #as seen in his last appearance with gordon of all engines #the new years episode always made me more conscious of the fact spencer is more than he seems #but the more I think about hero of the rails the more I realize something is deeply wrong with him #and that he might not be consciously trying to be malicious #I am gonna rotate him in my brain like microwavable pasta...#the duke and duchess need to freaking control their engine... but alas I think the reason why he often gets away with being a jerk #is that they do genuinely love their engine enough to overlook his flaws #unless he actually goes and makes a great enough mess to make a fuss over #he's their several tons of responsibility who clearly has behavioral issues but they love him nonetheless #otherwise they would just buy a new engine altogether

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irrealisms · 4 months ago

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svsss and sexual violence pt. 5: we live in a society

standard disclaimer at the beginning: i am not saying that this is the Only thing svsss is about, or that other readings are invalid; i am not intending to character-bash most of the characters here (while i will freely admit to thinking e.g. old palace master or qiu jianluo are pretty one-dimensionally shitty, lots--probably most--of the characters in this series who i mention as perpetrating SA are characters who do have depths & who i in fact like a lot! despite this meta, or perhaps because of it, my second-favorite character is luo binghe, and i am in fact a bingqiu shipper!); and, obviously, huge fucking CW for sexual abuse and adjacent topics. this section is about 1.5k words.

TABLE OF CONTENTS pt 1: shen yuan's realization of himself as a target pt 2: gender and homophobia pt 3: non-bingqiu sexual violence pt 4: shen qingqiu's body pt 5: we live in a society (you are here)

something that's universal across all three of mxtx's books is that society allows for & often approves of abuse, that invisibilized abuse of people with less power from people with more power is the bedrock society stands on; that even when society claims to disapprove of abuse, this is a smokescreen at best for attacking what (and who) it actually disapproves of. svsss...is not an exception to this. a lot of the incidents i'm about to discuss are ones i've already mentioned earlier in the series, but here i'm less interested in the specific incidents and more interested in the ways that society implicitly approves. a lot of these are sexual abuse but some of these are in fact nonsexual abuse because "society dgaf about abuse" applies fairly equally to all types of abuse in svsss.

the first and obvious example here is Shen Jiu. society, both in the universe of PIDW/SVSSS and in the ~frame story of the audience reaction to PIDW, objects to a 14-year-old slave breaking the engagement vows he made to a girl from the family that owns him so harshly they would throw him in prison/torture him (within the universe of the story) or demand for him to be castrated (in the comments section of said story). no one objects to the fact that slavery exists, or that Shen Jiu was abused; while it is ambiguous whether he was sexually abused (although I think there's strong evidence for it, as discussed in parts 3 + 4), society would not care if he had been; within PIDW universe, that's Qiu Jianluo's right, to do what he wants with his property, and within the universe where PIDW exists as a novel it would be hated as a storytelling decision the way all of Airplane's attempts at making Shen Jiu sympathetic were hated (because PIDW fandom didn't want complex villains with tragic backstories, they wanted someone they could uncomplicatedly hate).

the second example is also Shen Jiu, but the other way around--while he didn't sexually abuse Luo Binghe, nor was his abuse of LBH presented as particularly sexualized in any way (and if you've read this meta you know i am not shy about seeing technically nonsexual violence as sexualized/referencing sexual abuse in this book :P), it's another good example of how society allows for abuse? SQQ was in a position of power over LBH, so... he just gets to do whatever he wants to LBH. LBH can get revenge as an adult with a lot more power, can leverage that power & the ways SJ is vulnerable, can make it so that torturing and abusing him back is also allowed by society's rules--but when he is a kid without that power? society doesn't care! this is obviously less true on a "what did PIDW fandom care about" level than the other examples, but it's still true enough in-PIDW-universe that imho it counts!

the third example is the water prison. once again, Luo Binghe does not rape Shen Qingqiu in the water prison (although there was some very sexualized violence, shading into sexual assault). but-- SQQ was put in the water prison to be tortured at LBH's whims. if LBH had wanted to rape SQQ in there? he could have. with the material support of society. if Gongyi Xiao had been right that LBH raped SQQ there, GYX would still be disobeying his master to show SQQ kindness and break him out, and he would still end up just as killed for it. in the eyes of society, trying to help a prisoner escape the person who is raping them is worse than raping a prisoner. (identifying obviously identical problems with the prison system in the real world is left as an exercise to the reader.)

the fourth example is the old palace master. i talked about him some in part 3, but two things i want to highlight: - given that he was able to groom and abuse at least two generations, he's been doing this for a long time, and either no one noticed (even though it is obvious enough that sqq notices within a few lines of talking to him, implying that no one cared enough to look) or people did notice and, for whatever reason (some of which are even very sympathetic--certainly if i were his disciple and was mostly getting away with Not Being Abused i wouldn't want to come to his attention! but some of which are, uh, much less sympathetic) they let him, the same way people must have known about shen jiu's treatment of luo binghe and let him. because he's a powerful man, because it's his disciples and he has the authority, because, because, because. either way, this.... does not speak to a society that cares about sexual abuse. - when society learns about su xiyan's history, they blame her. they blame her for getting with tianlang-jun, they blame her for not aborting luo binghe, they assume she left her sect because she was ashamed and not because her sect hurt her. tianlang-jun is demonized (heh) even though his relationship with her was entirely consensual, because society hates him; old palace master is assumed to be innocent of any wrongdoing, because society likes him. do things eventually get figured out? yes. but the immediate reaction here is ... well, it's relevant.

last example here is moshang. again, not sexual/sexualized abuse! but through shang qinghua we get a piece of insight into demon society, rather than just human society, and what we get is... very very normalized physical abuse. shang qinghua is often going around with bruises from mobei-jun, to the point where shen qingqiu notices and is used to it. compare these two quotes, the first spoken by SQH to mobei-jun and the second from SQQ's narration:

“No one likes getting beat up every day, and no one would actually be all cheery after getting beat up every day! I’m not actually a dog! Even with a dog, if you kicked it twice a day, given enough time, it’d learn not to bother with you anymore!”

There was no telling what Shang Qinghua had done to piss off Mobei-Jun this time, but the corner of his lip was swelling as he gave Shen Qingqiu a pathetic smile. Shen Qingqiu couldn’t bear to look, so he shifted his gaze back to the file.

and.... the thing is, mobei-jun doesn't want to hurt sqh? when sqh gives him advice on how to woo men, he takes it; he pats sqh on the head instead of beating him, he gets sqh a cart when he's injured, he offers to let sqh hit him back. but the frequent beating is just...how demon society works, esp around the sort of power dynamic that sqh and mbj have. it's normal. and, given the demons we see, i don't actually think this is a fundamental difference of demon psychology. the demons we see who are person-y enough to Have Society are, broadly speaking...basically human? i think this is just... demon society is fine with it, because society is fine with all sorts of abuse as long as it's normal. and as we've seen in this post, it's not like human society is, uh, different in this regard.

the last thing i have to say isn't really a direct example. it's a little aside from shen yuan's internal monologue when talking to tianlang-jun about the plan to merge the realms:

The last part even sounded like rape culture logic: if you violate a person often enough, they’ll cooperate eventually; so do it first and think about the rest later.

which-- honestly i wouldn't have even thought to make that connection! but it was made for me by the book! and this is in a paragraph talking about how tianlang-jun thinks like this because he was mistreated and trapped under bai lu mountain, that he's bitter and resentful because of it, and it draws a neat little bow with our first example--shen jiu. the way that this is one way that rape & abuse culture perpetuate: someone is mistreated. they learn that this is how the world is; they pass it on. the cycle of abuse (and the breaking or attempted breaking of it) is another theme mxtx returns to over and over, in all three books, and you see that highlighted here. there's probably more to say here about TLJ's overall arc but i've worked on this meta for a long time and it is getting Really Quite Late.

if you've read all the meta (or even just this one): thanks for sticking with me through this! i really hope it was interesting & you got something out of it. i wrote. SO much in one day.

#svsss #scum villain's self-saving system #meta #my writing

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synergysilhouette · 3 months ago

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Ranking the male romances in BG3

I've personally only dated the men, so here's my ranking, from least-favorite to favorite.

4. Halsin--Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Halsin, especially since he subverts expectations. He's a wise and sage man, but has sexual desire and romantic urges instead of being flustered by it or being a thirst trap. I feel like he was done very well, but his romance was not. Due to being a conditional recruit (you have to side with the tieflings in Act 1) and his arc revolving around fixing the shadow curse, he joins you in Act 1, but isn't playable until the middle of Act 2. As such, he doesn't become a romantic option until roughly around the middle of Act 3, and he doesn't' have an ongoing arc after the Shadow Curse, no extra scenes with him aside from the initial sex scene. On top of this, the nature of your relationship is confusing; Halsin finds the word distasteful, and if you engage in a poly relationship, it's noted, at least by Astarion, that your other love interest(s) are under the impression that you're just sleeping with Halsin rather than it being romantic. In fact, Astarion seems a bit insecure about you sleeping with Halsin at first, questioning if it's because he hasn't slept with you for a while. This kinda implies that you actually falling for another person wouldn't be well-received by him.

3. Astarion--I know he's a fan-favorite, but I was never crazy about sassy, cutthroat characters. While his backstory was done so well (him being a magistrate is so interesting to me) and his growth is commendable, he just seemed a bit too jagged for me, personally. Loved the softer moments, though!

2. Wyll--SUCH an underrated love interest! It's so rare to find a pure and kind love interest in a game like this (not that Wyll doesn't have a high body count, but it wasn't done out of cruelty or malice). I feel like he doesn't get enough appreciation because he's nice and doesn't really have edges like the other characters, though a demon on his shoulders sucks. His thirst for justice and kindness is so princely, Astarion's observation of him being out of a fairy tale is very apt. And this is just a detail, but I love the fact that Wyll doesn't sleep with you until you accept his marriage proposal--or does he still do it if you reject him?

Gale--The master of the weave himself! I adore his mix of innocence and maturity, as well as being like a parent to the gang with his intelligence (and I think he does most of the cooking; all this stuff makes me surprised he doesn't see himself as parent material, but at least he's self-aware). He's nerdy and sexy and powerful, though I was concerned that turning him away from his ambitions would end the romance. Seeing that it didn't made him my favorite.

And side note: I wonder why British accents were prioritized for the companions. I'd enjoy more high fantasy games with American ones.

#baldur's gate #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #larian studios #halsin #wyll #astarion #gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep

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istarveforplatonicptnstuff · 10 months ago

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Pookie, what do you think of ptn characters being self aware au?? I need another platonic for that😍😍😍

Pookie 😿 The way that I wanted to answer this right away, but I ended up thinking about it for half a day, since today I had to finish counting tears in a plastic bottle (life update, today was my GRD and they had me recite 50 STEPS 😀 Changing patient gown and iv infusion + insertion 😢 But I SLAYED because I got perfect and one mistake in the other 😎) - Idk about ya'll but... You probably found out about the game based on the ad that had MISS 🤭 MAAM 🥰 Zoya... You guys don't understand the GRIP 😩 it had on me when I saw the ad for the first time... So, after watching THE ad that saved LIVES 🤩 including mine ofc 😊 You downloaded the app, despite having ZERO experience playing a tower defense game... 😶 That was me, highkey projecting rn... 😔😔😔 - So after days of getting used to the game, you started watching the interrogation since you were quite curious about the sinners backstory... 🤔🤔🤔 After finishing part of Hella's interrogation, you started to notice weird things happening in the game.

- If you put Zoya as your display character, she starts getting too real about asking you how your day was. And telling you stuff like; You better level me first 😤😤😤 because I'm the only who can protect you bbgirl... 🐺 Girl... This wasn't here before 🤨 so you definitely looked it up, but to no avail... So you probably felt special... 😍😍😍 Like, for me??? 🥺 Oh my gah 😱 I'm never letting you go POOKIE 🤭 Though you got jumpscared by the way Zoya suddenly responded with, That's right... I'm your pookie now... 😈 Making you press the home button on your phone due to how much you are FOLDING rn... 😳😳😳 Zoya canonically RIZZING you up pookie... *Sighs in not being able to relate because I'm not You pookie... 😞* But lmao imagine saying words like, Pookie 😍, Rizz 😏, and Bbgirl 🐺 to THE Zoya, like this is sending me rn... The way that I giggled a lil bit too hard writing this, feeling a lil EMBARAZZED picturing how Zoya would probably react to this... She's probably amused at you fangirling about her character, gives me FANSERVICE queen vibes like??? 😳 She knows how to play her role TOO well... 🥵

If you decide to put Adela as your display chara... (Though, what you know about my POOKIE Adela??? 🤨 Maam, I probably need to see that I.D for verification that you are INDEED another Pookie of Adela's... 🧐🧐🧐 /j I SEE 👀 you that one Adela pookie in my comments rn... So, this one's for you 🥰 and a lil bit of a spoiler pooks, if you see this rn... I'm writing another installment to our fav hair stylist soon...) - Adela would DEFINITELY give you good advice about hair... Me thinks my girl Adela knows FASHION 💃 Because, you cannot convince ME that this girl doesn't know how to dress up, like??? Her default outfit? SLAYED THE BOOTS DOWN 👢💥 So, rest assured you guys chose the right girl to display because this girl DON'T play around with both SERVING looks and SLAYING in one setting like girl... Me thinks if you like asmr, and had it on playing in the background and she hears and sees how it relaxes you... She probably would replicate it, like girlie had a secret career brewing and thought that we didn't notice??? 😯 Pookie, at this point, if you want to sleep or just relax... Hop on the game rn... Adela's doing 💈✂ barber shop 💇‍♀️ asmr... 😴😴😴 Adela havers be having a good night sleep, being blessed every night with her calming atmosphere... (Average Adela fan spotted, I will YAP when I hear her name...) Her voice lines would make you feel that you guys were besties from the start, or it's either like she's your mom friend and you guys get to hanggg around when she's not too busy SERVING the customers 💅

Not the soul siren 😭 but if you guys put her as your display character and you eat in front of her during a break... Sis will ROAST you like she's a copy of Gordon Ramsay, but more CUNTIER 💋 Girl acts like you are one of her 5 star chef and DEMANDS that you eat something else... 🙄 Babes really think you're rich 💳✨ and have MONEYYY to eat ✨exquisite✨ food... Only the best food for her caretaker. Girl really said that like you was her maid or something like??? WHAT? 😭😭😭 Lowkey judges you like you're BROKE or smth, same thing applies if you're actually not broke or like... College student tingssss, which makes it even WORSE because sister manages to convince you to buy her skins every time or pull copies of her... Pookie, I think she's a secret marketing agent of AISNO... 🤨 Girl WILL be obsessed with you the moment you max her, forfeit all moral possessions for her, and HER exclusively... 🤐🤐🤐 Sis does not leave you alone even after all that... She's hard to please 😞, in short but she warms up to you when you show significant improvement in your life... It's giving... Strict asian parents vibes 😶 Though, for realsys she isn't mean but like she's hard to predict pookie... I think she's kinda more on the practical side of things... When I mean practical, like your cooking skills... Critiques you as if you're in culinary school... 😃 Tough love for you pookie 💔 But dw, she'll change... When you manage to impress her with your cooking skills, of course 😇 Extra An: Pooks, if ya'll want more... 🤭 Comment which characters you want to see in this series or request other stuff that you want to see... The more KRAZY 🤪 it is, the more likely I am able to EAT 🍴 it up (Though, your pooks wouldn't be active much/still brewing some ideas 🧍‍♀️) TOODLES!

#path to nowhere x reader #path to nowhere #platonic ptn #ptn #ptn x reader #platonic path to nowhere x reader #Cabernet x reader #platonic cabernet x reader #ptn adela #adela x reader #ptn cabernet #ptn zoya #Zoya x reader #platonic zoya x reader #platonic adela x reader

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sardix · 4 months ago

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WOTFI 2024 Bingo results

If you didn't know @midnight1nk created a bingo map! (You can find the original post here). With these peoples ideas: /midnight1nk, /Sardix (me), @34saveme34 , @time1srunout , @porschas-palette , @yullalightk , @Nicc

Anyway, here are the results (and yes i am aware the picture looks a little off with colors but it's a printed out wersion with stars as stickers) + screenshots from the moments that I felt counted or not. And a reminder I was going off of the description of spaces and not their names. (However, If I put something in the wrong place tell me and I will fix it :), I am also always up for discussion)

Sadly we did not get Bingo but there will be plenty oportunities in the future

1. Mario ruins the show! (He did the final blow)

2. Karma (they did beat him although he didn't become something like Leggy)

3. Mr. Puzzle having a grudge against Smg4 - (I think this counts?)

5. It's gotta be perfect (IGBP) - (it wasn't really mentioned BUT this monster was present + the whole hate Smg4 gets that played an important role in IGBP) (add Photos from IGTBP)

6. Freak Show - it wasn't really said but they all got a whole makeover for the carnival show

7. Carnival-themed rap - this one doesn't need explaining (also it was a banger, I cannot stop listening to it)

8. The Bell tolls - I don't know if this counts or not, but I decided to put it here because there is like A LOT of "death" during the minigames. (I could put all the moments in here because of the picture limit)

9. Merch - I mean, it was gonna be for 100%; this time, tho mostly Mr.Puzzle teamed, which makes sense seeing his popularity in and outside the fandom.

10. Sacrifice - Meggy getting saved by Smg4 by using Mario (also my theory about Smg4 after the IGBP whenever angry getting suddenly super strong physically works, because he was FAST and you could see in his eyes the determination to not let any of his friends die again)

11. Meggy confronts - she does, in fact, confront him but doesn't really scold him for his wrongdoings. Still, I think that the interaction counted.

12. Brand new look - as shown before most of the cast gets a makeover, which are new look carnival-teamed

13. Puzzle Tune - it appears at the very beginning of the first song that Mr.Puzzle sings as Smg4 and Mario are in the boat

Now the stuff that I think didn't count and why:

1. Past arc or trauma - the trauma from past arcs wasn't mentioned unless you count Smg4 hate comments. Or Mr.Puzzles past but that's not really mentioning past arcs.

2. Park destroyed - it wasn't destroyed like Wren's lab, just got closed

3. Puzzles backstory - we got a scene where what was already shown in the Didney episode was explained; we didn't get any new info from the one we already knew.

4. Not so different - sadly, a scene like this does not happen no matter how much I wished it did. ( it sounds too good to be true.) BUT it may happen in the future.

5. (Ending) twist - Mr.Puzzle didn't reveal that he was behind the 2023 WOTFI, and I don't think Leggy 2.0 counts as a character foreshadowing, although Marty the cardboard became an actual character, so we never know.

6. Star Rating system - suprisingly it is never out right mentioned, Mr.Puzzle only mentions the destruction of his show.

7. Tenner tunnel - which I assume is just the tunnel of fun, but since it never is really shown, we cannot know for sure. It only kinda appears in the background

8. Smg4 kids - they didn't even appear in the background, so...

9. Puzzles dies - it is not his time yet, and it appears he has yet to play some really important roles in the story.

10. You saved me - to probably a lot of fans disapointment with Smg3 under control we did not get to see them interact other than fighting (Smg4 and Smg3).probably becouse of the movie being a litle shorter than usual (less than 30 minutes if you take out the merch talk) we did not get a scene with them even reuniting after being freed from the hypnotic state.

11. Dynamic change - some people would probably say that the dynamic between Mr.Puzzle and Meggy changed but from the beginning, we could see that deep inside she wanted to help or a part of her, and I do not mean Leggy (although I suppose it could count but for now I'm leaving it here)

12. Leggy's flag - honestly I'm not sure if it even appears, but it definitely did not play an important role

Bonus: They remembered the video where Smg4 became the clown king, aka where it was never resolved, so I think now it is officially canon and not just a one-time joke. (Please tell me I wasn't the only one who joticed that)

Well, would you look at that? We got 14 out of 25, not a bad score, I must say! And I'm sure we can't wait for what will come in the future

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astracora · 1 month ago

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Turning Point - Part 7

Characters: Poly!LADs x gn!mc

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Angst, Loss of Arm, Lots of emotional struggle with disability.

Word Count: 5202

Written: 15th January 2025

Notes: Pre-relationship with gn!MC with all LADs, with my personal pov of the game and lil headcanons littered in. Unnamed MC, but using my personal MC's basic appearance and adjusted backstory. I take some liberties with what the game offers me. I got nothing to add here other than this one came out of me like an emotional waterfall and as an emotionally repressed person just like MC is... WOOF... Enjoy??? I think I got one more chapter for this specific thing, but I'll see when I write the last bit. (Sylus-centric to end where it started!)

Now Playing: Parachute, By Kyndal Inskeep

Masterlist AO3

<- Previous Finale ->

The first time going out with Tara, you had waited for the moment she looked at you. You waited to see something in her eyes that indicated she was disgusted, or horrified, or bothered by you. Waited for when you extended a hand, to recoil.

It is the kind of feeling that is insulting to her, because Tara has never offered you anything other than warmth and affection. She has been by your side, ever since you joined the Association. Chatting with you on breaks, checking in on you after you lost your family. Bringing you snacks, sending you texts.

So it should not have surprised you, that when you see her at the station, she sprints over, and wraps her arms around you. For a moment, you can feel her tremble, before she pulls away, your hands in hers. Feeling the warmth of Tara's skin through the prosthetic sensors. The twitching to your fingers, the hesitation, before you carefully tighten your fingers around hers.

Her hand doesn't leave yours as she tugs you this way and that, as you walk around shopping. The intention is abandoned, the hunt for gifts becomes second to letting her energy carry you.

It is not unlike the way Rafayel grabbed your hand to lead you forwards. The heat and comfort of someone's presence making the noise drop away a little. The world calm, your anxieties settle. Like you're wrapped in a blanket.

You end up with bags of things you're helping Tara carry, clothes and accessories she'd gotten excited over. Things she'd wanted your help picking out. The normalcy of it all so at odds with every part of your life. Bringing you back to days in college when you weren't chasing the sensation of being alive with blood on your fists, and bruises on your skin.

As rare as those were.

"So." Tara starts, through a mouthful of a crepe, so full of cream, she gets some on her nose. "How has it been with them?"

Your feet almost stop, thankfully her hand pulls you forwards, still tightly held in yours. It must be the tilt of your head that makes her laugh, as she rubs at her nose with her sleeve.

"Xavier said he was staying with you to help. Along with that artist you work with, your doctor, and Skye?"

You're glad Xavier knows how to lie, and that for once he didn't use it with you to keep secrets. You're not sure if you would have put money on him not dropping Sylus' name in casual conversation, simply because he was sleeping at his desk. Ignoring piles of paperwork.

"Yeah, they've been really helping." It's an understatement. They've pulled you back, and given you room to walk forwards. Steadying hands offered when you stumble, and warmth in your chest where it had chilled.

"I always thought you'd date Skye."

The statement is so startling you drop one of the bags, panicking to retrieve what has spilled over. Releasing your grip on Tara to put her stuff back.

"Oops." You can hear the music in her voice as she teases you, crouching to help, before you can stand again, bags held in your hand. She retrieves the metal one back into her own, and offers you some of the crepe.

You're sure it's sweet, but the heat of your cheeks and your embarrassment make it hard to tell what toppings she even put on it.

"Nero thinks you'll date Xavier." This time you choke, turning your face away to not spray her with cream, so she finishes off with, "and Simone is voting for Zayne. Shame we haven't met Rafayel yet, no one has his betting pool."

"You have a betting pool?" You exhale, swallowing down the coughing and rubbing at your throat with your full hand.

"Not officially." She this time wraps her arm around yours, leaning against you, and nibbling at her treat again, "We just find your friends funny."

Friends.

You look away and force one foot in front of the other, "Better not put down too much money, I don't think you'll get good returns."

"You're not interested?"

"That's- that's not what I said."

You aren't sure anyone could meet them, could know them, and not be interested.

"So you are?"

"Tara…" It comes out much the same way Zayne speaks to you, like he's exasperated and isn't sure what to do with you.

"Come on, we're friends!"

"We are."

"So talk to me."

"I've never thought about it."

"Ever?" She doesn't look like she believes you, eyes wide and shocked, like the idea of you moving through life alongside them without thinking about them like that is baffling to her.

It's not a lie… not entirely. "I've…" you sigh, looking down at the hand in yours before you're offered a bite again, as you chew, you feel the slight heat of it and the strawberry on your tongue, "I've never felt like I had time to think about it. Not in college, not now."

Always chasing some reason. Some meaning to be alive.

Some way to leave a mark that matters.

Chasing the pain in your limbs to remind you you're there, standing there.

"There's always something more important to think about, I've never had the time to sit down and think about anything like that." If you had thought about it, it was quick, and affirmation that you shouldn't. Shouldn't get attached to someone. Let them get attached to you. Waiting on that timeline that could be too short to grasp with your fingertips.

No one should have to deal with the grief of being left behind by you.

"What better time to think about it!" You're pulled to a bench, under an artificial tree covered in sparkling golden lanterns, Tara sits and then stares at you. Expectant, glittering eyes, bright smile. She catches the light and glows, and it's a reminder that she is far more an angel than you deserve to care for.

So you sit, to bask in the warmth of her, and place the bags down to free your hand, to offer her one of the bottles of ice tea you bought.

She swaps you for the crepe, but does not release your hand, like if she does you'll run away.

It's not an unfair assessment. You do feel the crawling up your back like you want to bolt. A cat wary for loud noises.

She's begun to learn your habits well. Like everyone else who has decided you are worthy of keeping around.

It is disconcerting to be seen, and known.

You think about the first time Caleb found you after you ran away from home, crawling under the husk of an old tree, to find you curled up with snacks and a threadbare blanket. Tears streaming down your eyes, not wanting to go back. You didn't want to go back to the hospital anymore.

He always found you. No matter where you ran.

You weren't sure anyone was ever going to find you again.

"Come on," She nudges you, with a pretty smile and bright eyes, "Why wouldn't you think about it?"

"Tara, I don't even know how long I have." You look away when you say it, sinking your teeth into cream, and stare down at the floor. Ignore the twitch in her hand, ignore the eyes that try to flit to yours.

Ignore the loss you'd feel if you had to let go of her hand.

She turns her gaze back to the bottle in her hand, takes a moment to twist the cap with her teeth, spitting it into one of the bags. "Neither do I." She finally says, and you look at her. The irritation must come through, because she blinks.

"It's different."

"Is it?"

The question in her gaze is earnest, and you aren't sure how to answer, it is…. Isn't it?

"You almost died. On a mission. In a building as it crashed down around you. You would have died, if hunters didn't come. If you hadn't sent me the warning." She tugs your hand so you have to hold her gaze, even if it hurts to see the tears shining there, "It wasn't your heart, it was wanderers. We almost lost you, because of an everyday job you do."

You think about the metal through your shoulder. The pain as you tried to struggle against it. Desperate to keep fighting, as the Myst swung its battleaxe down at you. As you saw moments flash before you, and the dark pulling you down into the abyss.

You think about the ticking clock you can't see for your heart.

Is it different?

"Everyday, we fight wanderers. Everyday a mission could be our last one. What better time to think, than when you're not staring down a monster?"

When you don't speak, Tara tilts her head, watches as you stare at the floor, "I'd miss you."

This time, it is a jolt, like a knife, right into your chest, looking at her as she says it.

"I'd miss you, if you disappeared, if you died. I'd miss you, every day. I'd probably have to stop myself from messaging you. Stop myself from seeking you out at work. I've already had to stop turning to your desk to speak to you, because you're not there."

A ghost, lurking in the memories of others. Isn't that what you feared to become?

"Then you-"

She shakes her head, "Do you wish you'd never know Caleb?"

"No!" It is venomous, a snap, a snake's bite. It rips out of your chest quicker than you can control, and it trembles at the edges.

You would go a million more days losing Caleb, if it meant you could have him in your life another day. That if you could repeat the last time you saw him, you would drag it out, even knowing how it ended. That you'd seek his spirit out, the one who brought you home when you curled in the rain and cried for something no one could ever give you.

You miss him everyday, but not knowing him… you don't think you'd be here. Not sat on this bench, not talking to someone who cares for you, who would miss you.

You think you would have finally given up. Broken beyond repair and drowning in the waves of feelings you couldn't grasp with your hands.

You would never have gotten a second chance, or a third, or a fourth. You would have sunk beneath and faded away.

"No. I don't."

"So why would anyone else see you differently? You're worth knowing, and loving, for as long as we get the chance to."

It is the grief of losing that accompanies the joy of loving. You think about memories spent with Gran and Caleb, of times you found value in waking up another day. That when you are stuck and struggling, you think about his hand reaching out for yours. Reminding you of what it means to live.

You think of Tara's hand, grasping at yours without end. Refusing to release you, for as long as she can. The tether and the reminder, that no matter what she will take your hand.

You think of Xavier's fingers dancing over the metal, testing the grooves and marvelling and the sensations that erupted.

You think of Rafayel's warmth in your palm, his fish darting through your fingers as you stretch and flex them.

You think of Sylus' grip grounding you, reminding you how to stand on the ground and find your feet.

You think of Zayne's ministrations, keeping your straps from digging harshly into skin, to keep you safe from the outside and the inside.

You think of Nero's notes in your bedside table. Of Simone's messages on your phone.

You think of Jenna's concern as she told you to rest, once taken as a dismissal, now repainted as concern. That the time it took did not matter to her, just that you did come back ready.

It is a mosaic or a jigsaw, littered across a messy floor. Pieces lost, and hard to find. You can clean and claw for them, but you will continue to find more. Things that were small, that kept you standing, things that seemed pointless but have buoyed you against your knowledge.

Large rocks in a river, or pebbles along the shore.

Her head rests on your shoulder, unconcerned with the metal through your clothing, even though you're sure it's not comfortable. Instead she just stays there, looking down at the hand she has joined with hers, "If they're anything like you, or me, it doesn't matter how long it is. So you should tell them."

Tell them… "I don't know what to tell them."

"Well that's easy, you're head over heels."

"Tara!"

"It's true!" "Where did you even get that from?"

She laughs, "You don't look at yourself in the mirror, everyone else sees it. The way you light up." You're not sure that's true… Xavier 'lights up', you… do you? She watches the furrow in your brow and smiles, "I suppose you wouldn't notice. You're too busy running forwards to stop and think, huh?"

"I stop." You huff, "Sometimes."

"Alright then, how do you think you feel?"

You're not sure you're ready to investigate that. To query it. The idea of looking deeper and seeing what Tara sees.

Then what?

You tell them, and watch things change?

Friends is good, friends is fine. If you don't mess it up, they won't leave you behind and keep walking. If you say something stupid, what if they leave. How would you even tell them?

"Are you happy with them?" She knows you well enough to dig deeper, with questions that pierce through the noise.

It's an easy answer to find, "Yes." There is no world where you are not happy with them. You think even if it ended in tragedy, you would seek them out, and care for them. Just like Caleb. Just like you would with those you have decided to love.

"It's not just… happiness. It's-" A sigh escapes you, the heat in your cheeks as you turn your face away so that Tara cannot study you as easily as she normally does. Seeking out changes in your expression to understand you. You're not sure how she has come to understand you so easily in a year of companionship. "It's like being whole. Pieces that come together to remind you of who you are. When they're there, I feel more like myself. I feel safe, and solid, and stable. Like the ground isn't going to drop."

It rips up your throat, the feeling of an emotion you struggle to process, the need to let it out in a sob, a feeling of worrying at the edge of the cliff. That you are staring down the drop, and you're not sure you don't want to fall.

Gentle fingers wipe at the corners of your eyes, and squeeze at your hand, and you lean into it, "It feels good. I'm scared of it feeling good."

"Hey."

"What if I lose it Tara? If I tell them and they turn away, or they leave?"

It's a home waiting to crumble into the sea, or the flames devouring the edges or the foundations. You've watched one go, can you set fire to the one you're still rebuilding?

She pulls you to her chest and strokes your cheek with her hand, releasing yours so that she can ground you in her arms. Other hand soothing circles into your back. "I can't tell you what they'll say, I wish I could, but I think you should talk to them. I may not have met your artist friend, but I know how the other's look at you. Even if you haven't opened your eyes to see it, alright?"

"It's really bad timing." You sniffle, trying not to cry harder and wet her shirt, or get snot on her.

Her laugh is soft against your cheek, "We'll always have bad timing. Can you really say if you die tomorrow, you'll be satisfied?"

You think about the hesitation to reach out and touch back, the wavering in your movements, and the need to close gaps. The feelings of lying awake next to Rafayel or Xavier on the bed, watching eyelashes flutter over cheeks. Of Sylus' fleeting touches and glances, that he never pushes like you'll run from him if he does. Of Zayne's clenched fist when he thinks you don't notice, as though he's holding himself back every moment.

You think about what you wish you could do for and with them. A home built with the people you love.

Love.

You're not sure you're ready, but you're not sure you'll ever be ready. To face the abyss and leap. Like it will catch you.

Somehow you think it will.

"Just think about it, at least a little. You deserve the chance to have a life that doesn't revolve around being a hunter."

You want to laugh but it will come out wet. Time spent not chasing a value in what you can provide, it feels a long way away with the chains around your ankle, and the beast that slumbers only to awaken in your lowest moments.

Except… when it purrs. With those who hold you and care for you.

"Thank you." You squeeze Tara's hand against your cheek, straightening a little to look at her. You see the tears glowing in her own eyes.

You wonder how many people you have hurt while you were standing looking over the cliff.

You want to make sure you never stand there again, and remember to turn around when they call for you.

"Always, remember. Always."

Always.

—----------

You think about your talk with Tara, wavering on the edge of opening your mouth, until you panic and shut down. You have been stuck inside of your own head, unsure how to start a conversation. You spent weeks debating and wondering and thinking.

In between daily progress, returning to your usual training, finally able to feel your body function the way you'd like it to.

In every empty moment, you think about them.

About the question on the tip of your tongue, that is barely even a question, 'I love you'. Unsure and wavering and scared to be voiced.

When you finish training with Sylus, you escape, lest your spout out something stupid and have to watch pity enter his eyes.

You finish runs with Zayne and avoid his checking hands when he queries if you are sick, because you cannot hold his gaze even more than normal.

You avoid sitting with Rafayel for long periods of time, because the soothe of his work makes you want to tell him things you're worried to say.

You cannot face Xavier when he joins you for a nap, because you feel your hand reaching out to touch his cheek.

It is like a dam has broken, and the feelings you have spent too long ignoring, lest you have to face them, have come to the forefront. Reminding you every moment, that you are sitting on a need and a feeling that wishes for nothing more than to be aired.

It is nothing you want to share, you think. You are happy where you are, they are here.

They won't always be here. This moment, it pulls away, and you are more capable every day. You wait for the moment that they tell you, that they will go their separate ways.

That you will stop entering the apartment to see them. That your home will become cold again, and you will have to deal with the acknowledgement that you are a coward.

It is a new type of countdown, but no more terrifying. You know it does not mean they will disappear, you will see them, you will be able to meet them… they have never disappeared on you for long.

You think you have grown far too used to their presence as a constant, that the idea of the loneliness of the cool apartment is no longer a familiar balm.

You're sure you used to be fine alone. Yet now, in this moment, you wish to never be alone again.

So as you avoid, and run from them, out of control of your own body in a way you've never been before, you move through the days.

Until you finally get approval to return to combat training.

You meet Jenna, Tara, Simone and Nero at the door of the Association.

It is worth everything, you think, that coming to the Association, seeing the four of them, feels like settling back into place. Not unlike returning to that apartment with the four people you love most around your table.

"Took you long enough." Simone laughs, wrapping her arm around your shoulder and pulling you into the building. You stumble a little, before catching yourself. The laugh that barks out is greeted by a smile from Nero and Tara. "Thought we'd all get old waiting for you to get your ass back."

"Is that anyway to treat your favourite resonator?"

"You're the only one we've got, so you'll do I suppose."

You poke her with a metal finger into the side, happy when she laughs again at you.

"I'll give you the entertainment factor though, Xavier was proper grumpy without you."

Nero nods, serious, "She's right, he kept heading to your desk to sit at, even though you weren't there."

"Like a sad little bunny!"

"You really enjoy teasing Xavier a lot, huh?"

She shrugs, "Before you came around the man didn't react to a single thing, now he's blushing, laughing, getting grumpy with kids who want to be your partner? I'm having the time of my life."

"You lot behave yourself, I'm aware you're excited, but we aren't here to chat." Jenna cuts in, extending her hand to you, her face is even, but as you shake her hand, she smiles, small and quick, "Welcome back. We'll be seeing if you can keep up with combat drills for a while, then when I believe you're ready, you'll be back on missions."

The feeling you have is probably akin to the feeling a bird has when it takes flight. It's the same feeling you had when you got accepted as a hunter. The first day you were assigned to UNICORNS. It is excitement, and fear, and thrill.

You're back where you belong, where you can do what you should be doing.

You are ready to keep moving forwards.

Simone returns to her work, but Nero and Tara assist with drills. You are handed a gun, to practice with your aim.

It is not a weapon you prefer to use, but it is a basic skill that hunters require. The more weapons in an arsenal, the better chance you have in the field.

You can't really lift your claymore easily anymore. When you try to lift it over your shoulder, it pulls and tears. You waver and you shake, and drop it back down. Irritable and frustrated.

Your sword is familiar, you have kept training with Xavier, so that it does not hinder with its movements. It is fast and easy to keep your movements with.

Your efforts with each of them has kept you from falling too far behind. Your hand has a proper grip, and you find comfort in the process.

You run through each drill Jenna hands you. When you fail, you stand back up and try again, you focus on the movement, on the action and you keep trying. You keep the rule your doctor has drilled into you. Fail five times, stop, try again later.

When you face wanderers for test, you learn you are missing your mark with the gun, unbalanced with it, but your sword strikes true. Easy to judge the weight and the feel of it in your grasp.

You pause, and you fight, and you train.

You come back day after day, you face down the hoard of emulated beasts, and you learn how to move the way you did.

You fight, and you fight.

You repeat, come home, exhausted and full of flames, and then repeat the process.

It is a day that you are heading back to complete another test that Jenna has devised, bruise on your cheek, just over a scar near your eye, that you are held back by a hand on your wrist. Rafayel with his hands behind his back, head tilted and a grin on his face, "I have a surprise, guess the hand."

Your laugh is unbidden, and for a moment you think again how beautiful he is, before you stuff it down. Reminding yourself, not to say something stupid, "Is this a trap, if I pick wrong will I be sleeping with the fishes?"

He huffs, "You're only allowed to sleep with this fishie!"

"Raffy!"

He tilts his head to the other side, he leans in closer to you, eyes sparkling, "Pick."

"Left."

"Are you sure?"

"I haven't got x-ray vision, so yeah, no more sure than I'd be of right."

He moves his hands in front of him, and on both of his palms rests a long, beautiful, black curved dagger. It is intricately carved, you turn it over to see feathers falling through snowflakes, a fish dancing on the edge of a star. Your fingers tremble as he places it in your hand, tightening along the handle.

"You needed a new signature, and you always liked mine."

It is the feeling up your throat, the need to cry, to sob. Every time they see you, you want to run and to bask. To lie against their beating hearts and beg them to never stop.

It rests in your hand, your grip tightens around it and it feels like it is part of you. Thrumming under your senses. Beating like a living heart in your hand. A vivid reminder of what you have to keep fighting for and with. "I love it." You manage, through the tight throat and the wet mess of tears as they rush from your eyes.

Fingers chase away your tears again, reminding you that it is not wrong of you to feel and to struggle, as long as you face forwards.

"Thank you Rafayel."

He shrugs, huffing but there's no venom in it, his lips quirking at the edges, "Wasn't just me, you've got to stay safe, and alive. Always come home."

Home.

As long as your heart beats, you think that he, Xavier, Zayne and Sylus are your home. The place where your pieces feel like they fit again.

You want them to know, you want to tell them that they are where you belong. You want to believe that with the dagger in your hand, you can protect it and them. A future where, even if it ends before you want, you will always cherish it.

That the grief is worth the joy, and you want to believe it is the same for them.

"I'll see you tonight."

It is a promise, and as you smile back at Rafayel, whose eyes brighten like flames in the night, leading you home. You promise yourself you'll take the step.

—-----

The dagger rests comfortably in your grip as you push. It is sharp and quick, and you dispatch the practice wanderers with the kind of violent glee you often get when you find the drive to push and flare.

When there is something to fight for on the other side. The rage that carries you past your hatred of EVER. That pulled you into Sylus' lap with the gun in hand.

That you will keep snarling if it means you will end up victorious.

It is the knowledge that you have something to protect, this world, Linkon, your friends, the people waiting for you at home.

It is the feeling of finally flying, the feeling of resonating with Caleb when you were a kid, and feeling the gravity leave, as you floated up holding his hand. As you laughed as you span. Pulling him as high as you could before the connection dimmed, or Gran caught you both.

Catharsis that reminds you that there are moments when your heart is light. Even as you cut through the arm of a knave, and kick back at a wyrm.

As you stand in the training ring, victorious and pleasantly sore. As you remember why you pushed through every night your arm didn't work as you wanted. As you struggled against the tide.

It is the acknowledgement of months of work to process and fight. It is the gleam in Jenna's eye as you achieve, and remind her why you were here in the first place.

That this is what you can do, that this is who you are. Every contest, every trial, everything. If you fail, you stand again.

"Well," Jenna starts, stepping over as the emulation stops, her hand extends again, but this time her smile is there at the start, "Let's get you back on missions."

You almost jump forwards, almost grab her hand far too tight, before Tara comes out the side, a streak of vivid energy to tackle you. Leaving Jenna's hand floating in the air, before it covers her mouth, so she can push down the laugh.

"Tara. My bruises."

"They'll heal!"

Nero and Simone watch, he offers you a nod, while Simone grins, "All those long times staring at these horrible wanderer emulations, ended up worth it huh?"

"Horrible? They're a skillful recreation of accurate wanderer behaviour! The stud-"

"I get it, I get it. They're great, super realistic." She snorts, kicking at the floor with the toe of her shoe, "They even splatter."

"An accurate recre-"

"Nero, can you go file the report with Andrew, he'll need to know."

"Yes Captain."

Before he goes he nods at you again, "Glad you're back, I have so many notes. The new Lumiere show had Arbiterwings!" You barely get chance to respond, because Jenna raises a brow and he darts off. Before she can give him an order again.

"I swear, he's been biting at the bit to tell you about his new show, we told him he could message you, but he said it wasn't the same." Simone steps over, pulling Tara off you finally.

"Hey!"

"Two minutes is too long, you're acting like they died!"

"Some of us have a lot of feelings."

"I have a lot, right now I'm hungry, we've been watching for hours."

There's another smothered laugh, as Jenna straightens out, "Alright you three, you're done for the day, go find Nero and get something to eat." She looks at you, "You can start next week, you'll keep doing drills to ensure you keep on top of your physical state, and keep up with your medical checks."

"Yes Captain." The salute is familiar, practiced, even with the cool metal against your forehead.

Whole.

And you're more than sure of the scar pulling at your lip, as your smile rises to your lips.

You will fight for the future again.

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