#But it still was just an awful experience and I'm still kinda feeling that

[tackykachowch]

How it feels to not like timebomb after s2

[featheredadora]

[astrolotte]

Genuinely intrigued by the potential of Peri and Irep's dynamic but only in a platonic way so I end up not vibing with the fandom's portrayal of it 😔😔😔

(No but listen LISTEN they were kinda-almost-friends when we last saw them in FOP, yeah? Now they're enemies, with both actively fighting each other, and Irep going so far as to try and kill Peri's parents. What happened? When? What influenced it? Did they ever become friends, or did it nosedive the moment the cameras turned off? What about Sammy? How do Irep's parents factor into this? Could it ever be fixed? There's just so much we haven't seen, and romance just feels like too easy a solution to me. Let their friendship be easy to break, fragile. Let them have to work to keep the connection. Fairies and Anti-Fairies are literally made to be opposites, so what happens when two genuinely and truly become friends?)

((and yeah I guess a lot of this could factor into a romantic angle but ALAS the fandom seems to be leaning heavily into the funny toxic yaoi angle 😔 I don't mind it! By all means, please have your very harmless fun! But it ain't my jam :P Perhaps I'll have to write a oneshot myself...))

(((see tags for more rambles i guess. whoops a bitch spoke too much in there as he always does)))

[ravinoforre]

Still life in Iselia Acrylic on canvas. Finished in 2 sessions. (process photos and ref below)

reference screenshot:

and screenshot taken from the angle you'd normally see it at:

[gardensnakie]

How’s life? No pressure question ofc, but if you want to share please feel free to do so with this ask :3

Eh, it doesn't feel all that great right now. I'm tired and hungry a lot, but I just have to get a routine together. My sleep has been wonky, I've been waking up too early, but I feel fine then but it also feels like I can't rest completely- I have dreamless nights mostly. And I also just get annoyed a lot, but it feels better being around people I like.

[starswallowingsea]

continuing with kaikeyi and it is committing one of the worst sins of a historical fiction novel and i knowwwwwww its also fantasy but like. you don't have to put a modern lens on the oppression people face historically and point out every little thing and make your protagonist a perfect feminist in what is about. second century CE india. like i guess sure maybe she could have theoretically been thinking about womens rights and equity to men, especially thinking about lower class women & women who were born illegitimate, but i think her self centered nature as someone of noble birth would have made it more interesting to read especially since i'm on page 177, she's like 19 at most right now and keeps talking about how women are the most oppressed people ever and have nooooooo rights to do anything ever rather than try to find empowerment in her position or meaningfully examine the roles women play in society or how they might try to break out of those (or use them to their advantage). idk other books have done it better

[evilminji]

Oh god :Dc a Danny Summons Contract

No you guys DON'T UNDERSTAND-!

Just. Danny! Only Danny! He fucked up. Some ancient Warring States Ninja fucked up. They BOTH agreed to NEVER talk about it again.

Cause like? That ninja? Was a GROWN ASS MAN. A qualified BAMF of the highest order. He WAS the Danger, thank you very much. So, he? Will NEVER live down being saved by...well...

*holds up wildly struggling, noodle limbed, sad wet raccoon havin a terrible day lookin, meat thresher on legs*

THIS.

It's a BABY. Honestly, his Clan's TODDLERS know how to throw better punch. This scrawny infant baby child is both? His new son. AND an embarrassing trainwreck in motion. FFS kid, that's not how you- No! NO! Don't you DARE bite that opponent! You don't know where they've B-!

Kid they could have BEEN POISONED!!! Spit um OUT! DROP UM! Drop that RIGHT NOW! What are you? A dead Inuzuka? A god forsaken Hatake!? DROP IT!!!

It...sure is An Adventure™.

One of many early "here's how you DON'T make a Summoning contract" experiments, that Clans without seal masters were attempting. He's honestly lucky HIS attempt ended with him still... you know... ALIVE. Problem, though? After bunking for like... a few months? A year? In the command center?

And you know, terrorizing the GIW into complete collapse. Parenting him through some pretty serious life changes. Somehow making Sam MORE terrifying. And a whole host of off screen ninja shenanigans? They figure out? Oh. Only way to send him HOME is to either accept or refuse a Contract.

They gotta make one.

First they head to Frostbite for a recommendation, then? Off to a reputable Ghost Lawyer they go! They have to camp in the waiting room for like... a week. But? Worth it! The contract is AMAZING. And terrifying! Protects them both. Can't be used against EITHER. And that loophole you're thinking off? Ten pages worth of point 4 script, twenty three yards down, for why it's a BAD IDEA and breaks contract~!

Neither of them can make the other do SHIT! Only fully consensual, mutually beneficial, ass kicking here! If we FEEL LIKE IT!

Ninja dad insisted. Never sign a contract with anything less then extreme paranoia, kid! Leave no "implied" or "spirit of the rules"! Loopholes are holes in your armor, with which your enemy stabs you in the back!

Danny, tearfully, sends ninja dad home.

Gross. Emotions all over his armor. If only there wasn't all this sand in his eyes, he'd definitely complain about it. *stoic ninja hug*

Danny? Become a king. One of many. An Ancient. Becomes FUCKING HUUUUUUUUGE. Like? "Aw, your city is so pwecious~☆ n smol~♡! Whats it called again? New York?" Huge. A fuckin LEVIATHAN made of void, stars, and space ice. A Winter corpse, marked by lightning, that became the night sky itself. With a crown of aurora borealis, ever shifting, like flame.

Proportional, in a way, to Summon Bosses. Just as a normal human is to a normal toad, a normal cat, a normal slug. So too, is Danny LARGER then them.

You know... when he feels like it.

The contract? Passes down. Ninja dad does warn his kin. Prooooobably not gonna answer you. He only answers ME cause I'm, well, ME.

Fuckin BET. They declare. And lose. Repeatedly.

Time marches on. The Senju and Uchiha has their Drama. Dear KAMI do they Have Their Drama. Please Stop, says everyone. They... do not. The contract? Fuckin STOLEN. Because of course it is.

It's a HUGE, glowing, death radiating Summons Contract kept in a shrine behind like... SO MANY seals. It makes anyone less then a full grown JOUNIN physically SICK to even touch! Prolonged exposure kills people! Of COURSE it gets fuckin stolen. It's obviously a super, mega, ultra rare AMAZEBALLS Summon Contract... right?

Eeeeeeeeeeeh *so-so hand motion* KINDA!

It IS technically that.

They ain't wrong. Cause Danny IS an Adult now. A King. Connected to the Zone. An ANCIENT. Beyond and Above his mortal origins, even as, by being a Halfa, he is utterly the same. That contract is as close as one could GET to having a contract with the Sage himself.

You know... if he answered you.

Felt like your petty bullshit was worth getting up off the couch for.

Not to MENTION? He can make clones! Like.... billions of them now. Has a skeleton army. Is kinda one of the stronger Ancients. But that's not the point. The POINT? Clones. Don't have to be EQUAL facets of self.

You CAN make a .00001% clone of yourself!

Behold *summons poof noise* Lil Baby Man!

The harbinger of Danny! Here to Test Your VIBEZ™. He sends them each time. To be an adorable menace. Cause problems on purpose. Be gremlins, chew on table legs, maybe. You know, the works! They RADIATE his " I Am Death." Energy. But also his "winter, protection, and starlight" vibes... if you're brave enough to LOOK.

If you don't flinch away from a spirit of the dead. Can embrace the chaotic nature of a Zone ghost. Are kind to something that isn't what you expected, that you can USE, that appears weaker then you. Something that seems dumb. Distractable. Useless in battle.

Can you be kind? Do you immediately give up? To recognize a test when you see one? Is your first impulse cruelty? Distain? It tells Danny a lot. Saves him time.

Which? Is how a young Itachi, freshly Jounin'd, gets thrown through an old and rotting wooden gate into what LOOKS like a vaguely demonic death shrine. Hmmm, concerning. Baby 'tachi has been separated from his teammates. Is having a Bad Time™. The crows can't really help much here.

And, well, that IS a Summoning contract...

He's outnumbered. Low on both weapons and Chakra. Refuses to do anything BUT return home to his family. His baby brother. Is it WISE? No. It is in fact, incredibly, incredibly UNWISE. He has no idea what he'll be agreeing too. But... so long as he live just a bit longer...

He slams an earth wall against the entrance.

Falls back to the Glowing Contract.

Stumbles, as even landing near it makes his insides revolt. His skin prickle and burn. Colder then the nine tails Chakra, emptier, yet somehow endlessly more ABSOLUTE.

It's like the very Chakra in his body screams against it. Rejects it's mere presence. As though all thing alive REFUSE it with desperation and fear. He has no time to muse upon this. It hurt his hand to touch. He does so anyway. Struggling to hold the earthwall against enemy attacks.

He doesn't bother to read the contract. Flings it from the pedestal, to unravel, so he may sign quickly. There. With a practiced motion, he nicks his finger, and scrawls his future away. Whatever demons may come. Whatever monsters this brings. Please... let him live long enough to say goodbye.

The world CRACKS as he summons.

Death and the Shinigami are not the same.

Even those without the ability to sense are battered by the tsunami of... not killing intent. No. There is no intent. No killing. Just... knowing. Heraldry. That Death comes for us all. You can not escape. Foolish and small, is this what you waste your existence on? Ants before a god. Dust before the heavens. He... he can not... breathe...

Frozen. Eyes wide. Sharigan spinning, spinning, spinning. Capturing the delicate lace of nothingness, absence of life, as it drifts by. Unable to move from where he kneels, bloody hand pressed to the ground, in a Summoning.

What Has He Done?

Outside there is panic. Screaming. They flee. He... he wishes he could flee. W...why can't he-? *THHHWAP!* Mmmmph?! Something small and almost bird shaped smacks into his face like a flung ration. Tiny arms spread wide to cling to his bangs and dangle. The deathy power fades... almost... almost as though it were... a threat display?

He focuses on the tiny creature whining and hugging his face. It... is a floating snake toddler? Or is it dragon? They have sharp little claws and stars along their face, a tiny whispy mane of white. Likely a dragon child then. They stick their small tounge out slightly, eyes the blankly trusting stare of small children everywhere.

He clearly want to be carried. Ah. Of course, little one.

Did... did he agree to raise a dragon?

Just?

Itachi, smol. Serious. With lil baby man floped on his head or tucked lovingly in his arms. The TEXTBOOK definition of "he don't bite" "YES HE DO!!!" For everyone but Itachi and Sasuke. To whom he is, of course, an INNOCENT BABY who has NEVER done anything wrong EVER. An angel! Why is everyone being so MEAN to poor innocent baby man? Boo hoo~!

It fucks up SO MANY plans.

Because Itachi. A smol child. INSISTS he is a Father now. What are you going to do? Say he can be? Why? Because he's a CHILD? Which is it? Is he a Jounin or a Dependant? An adult in the eyes of the law or a child to be protected by said law from pushing him off to war? Old enough to die, old enough to parent his dragon son!

And SORRY Father, he CANT join Anbu. Who would be there for his child? Ah, he should join a parenting group. *various competent parent instincts go haywire over this tiny Uchiha child in need of parenting* Danzo? For some reason his son seems to really, REALLY hate him. Better avoid him. His child doesn't know yet not to bite respected elders.

Sasuke? Gets to be an UNCLE! To a DRAGON! He takes his job very seriously.

It's the best PR the clan has ever had.

@hdgnj @babbling-babull @hypewinter @nerdpoe @the-witchhunter @legitimatesatanspawn @lolottes @mutable-manifestation

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for snapping at a friend?

Posting for an unbiased opinion. I have this friend (both M, both minors, same age) that I've known since we were babies. We've always been pretty close, and we've always been somewhat competitive, but not in a toxic way, really.

One thing we share is that we both LOVE animals. Neither of us had a pet when we were younger, but we've spent a lot of time talking about what we want and trying to convince our parents for pets, but they wanted us to grow and prove responsibility first.

Knowing this, you could see how exciting it was when a few months ago my Grandpa (who is a zoologist) took us both to get our first pets. It seems unrelated, but it's relevant to know that we both now have the experience and bond with them.

Early last week, I lost my rat. Vet says there was nothing I could have done different, it was an injury he couldn't heal from, but it's taken a toll on me. He wasn't even very old, and I've been feeling awful!

My little guy was buried in a little cemetery for pets, and I took him there on my own to bury (it was safe for me to go alone, don't worry!) and just kinda... sit. I needed to process this, I've never dealt with the death of a pet before. He wasn't my first to get, but my first to lose. While I was there, my friend showed up, and I snapped at him. All of his pets are fine, and I didn't even tell him I was going since I wanted some alone time, so it felt like he was there just to brag!

Over the last few weeks our competitiveness has gotten a bit more like a rivalry, I guess, and he's been able to "beat" me in everything! He's doing better at things I even started on first! Before we were about even, so this change had really gotten on my nerves.

Now, I honestly don't think I'm the asshole here, since I'm still dealing with the loss of my rat, but my Gramps says I need to apologize. Whatever. Smell ya later!

[hannieehaee]

hey ;)) could you write a svt reaction where they're being interviewed by foreign singer reader, who is too flirtatious and which is the crush of all of them and they can't help but look amazed at her and a little nervous too <3

also, I'm a big fan of your work, I love it! Thank you very much! 😔🤌🏻

being interviewed by their celebrity crush

content: afab reader, fluff, reader is a lil flirty in some of these hehe, a lil second hand embarrassment, etc.

wc: 2215

a/n: agsjsk loved writing this tysm for reading and for requesting!! idk if i understood ur request 100% correctly so i just did a reaction for each member i hope u enjoy! <3

masterlist

seungcheol -

even as leader, he would try to pass on the title to someone else for the day, not wanting to embarrass himself in front of you and the cameras. would be consistently teased by the guys through every sentence exchanged between the two of you. cursing both joshua and vernon in his mind for refusing to help him out, he'd power through the interview, trying to keep his heartbeat as calm as possible as you smiled and giggled at his cute demeanor towards you. would be so in awe of you at the way you paid full attention to his responses, not minding the extra wait as the translator interpreted his answers. would come out of the experience even more in love with into you, kicking himself for not taking a leap and asking for your number or something. would be very pleasantly surprised a few hours later at finding out you'd had your manager give his manager your contact info, instructing that it was specifically for seungcheol to use.

jeonghan -

jeonghan wasn't one to really wear his heart on his sleeve when it came to liking a person. he'd probably have the ability to remain calm even if facing you, his one and only celebrity crush since predebut. he'd have it all planned already; just stick to the back and nod at vernon and joshua's answers. would not have expected his members to throw him into the wolves, taking advantage of seungcheol's absence and informing you, the celebrity interviewer, that he was the stand-in leader, and that all questions should be directed to him. would only be caught off guard for a few seconds, soon being able to keep up with you (thanks to the translator) and even turning up the charm a little bit, enjoying the back and forth between the two of you. would still be a bit surprised when you approached him after the interview, blatantly flirting with him even through the language barrier.

joshua -

so excited to finally meet you, having looked forward to this since the moment he heard seventeen would be attending an award show you were scheduled to conduct celebrity interviews for. would've thrown your name around many times any time discussions about collabs came around, but being disappointed it never really did anything, thus preventing him from meeting you until now. now that you were finally meeting, he'd take advantage of being one of the designated english speaking members™️ and take up the entirety of the screen time in the interview flirting with you in the most lowkey way he could. would maybe trade numbers with you by the end of it.

jun -

he knew he was a handsome guy, but he'd still be incredibly flustered the moment he caught you, his long-time celebrity crush, making eyes at him from across the red carpet, practically inciting him with your stare as the group approached you for their turn at a quick red carpet interview. would be twice as flustered upon noticing you stood as close to him as possible as you conducted the interview, throwing him a smile every so often. he'd feel kinda disappointed at himself afterwards for not having spoken to you at all during it, having felt too shy even if you had showed blatant interest in him. his day would improve, however, as soon as his manager approached him a few hours later, letting him know your manager had given him instructions to provide him with your contact info, even with a cute little handwritten note form you requesting he call you sometime.

soonyoung -

do you guys remember that one interview with that one rlly pretty interviewer where he started singing spider and just wouldnt stop even as the guys kept dying of second hand embarrassment? he'd do the exact same thing with you. if you happened to mention anything related to him in the interview whether it be a solo song or his part in a new cb or some choreo he made, he'd instantly try and show off to you like a little kid, not realizing the second hand embarrassment the rest of the members were feeling. if you were any tiny bit flirty though, he would probably go into shut down mode and just giggle at everything you said, zero thoughts in his head as he nodded and agreed to everything you said in complete awe of his celeb crush even acknowledging him. would be so excited at the interaction he'd approach you afterwards hoping to get you to follow him on instagram and physically cheering the moment you followed him back, even directing him to message you sometime.

wonwoo -

so shy and reserved. he has a tendency of blending into the background, always being talked over during any type of show or interview that involved all members. this time he had been kinda grateful for it, feeling too anxious to interact with someone whose music had impacted him so much (and also someone he might kind of maybe have a thing for). he'd feel extremely touched at you going out of your way to get his responses during the interview, claiming you were a fan and had always noticed he sat back sometimes, wanting to hear from him specifically. would not be able to stop looking at you in awe after that, wishfully thinking that maybe his favorite artist had taken some type of interest in him. when you approached him after the interview, shyly trying to start conversation, he'd muster all knowledge he had in english to communicate with you, hoping this would be the first of many conversations.

jihoon -

would be so shy and easily flustered. do not dare even speak to him directly because he will break. he's been crushing on you since forever, not just admiring you as an artist but being so unbelievably attracted to you he had no idea how to even make eye contact with you. the moment he heard you were gonna be the one interviewing them he started looking into flights to get his ass back to korea. under no circumstance was he going to embarrass himself in front of you. if you dared even try to compliment him (don't even mention the word flirting to him rn), he would turn bright red and stumble over his words, making the guys cackle behind him as he tried to work his way through a sentence. would reach an undiscovered shade of red the moment you approached him after the interview, asking for his contact info under the vice of interest in his producing skills, but your flirty tone would have him thinking otherwise, causing him to heat up even more.

seokmin -

embarrassment is usually scared of seokmin. he can do anything, anywhere, anyhow, and not feel a single ounce of shame at it. but this was the exception. upon hearing he'd finally be meeting you as you interviewed them for a special celebrity interview, he was beyond embarrassed in advance. he knew there would be no way for him to act normal around you. he was in love with you! okay, maybe that was too much, but he did have a huge thing for you, even having fantasized about your first meeting many times before. nothing could have prepared him for the moment the interview started and you revealed (with no warning whatsoever) that you'd been a carat for a few years now, biasing none other than him. the teasing from the members was the least of his problems as he attempted to formulate some type of charming response to you, ultimately settling for an uncharacteristically quiet 'thank you' as his ears burned. would muster all the courage within himself to approach you after the interview, coaxing vernon into acting as interpreter as he expressed his liking of you as an artist. both him and vernon would widen their eyes in surprise the moment you asked vernon to let seokmin know he was welcome to contact you any time if he ever wanted to get to know you in the future, handing him a note with all your personal contact info.

mingyu -

even though he was a little nervous at the idea of meeting you after all these years of crushing on you, he would still be 100% down for it, loving the chance to finally meet you face to face. would go out of his way to be the main one you interact with the entire time you're in the same room, even if there's a language barrier between you. after getting a bit comfortable around you, would do his best to flirt even if you two couldn't understand each other very well. would make his interest be known, hoping maybe this won't be the last time you two interact. not too surprised when you began to show interest back, using this opportunity to hand over his phone with a new contact popped up, acting visibly giddy upon seeing you register your number, winking at him and instructing him to call you.

minghao -

at times he tends to be a little reserved and quiet during interviews, and i think thatd be specially the case during a foreign interview. if the interviewer happened to be you, his celebrity crush of many years, he'd still keep silent, hoping quietly to himself that none of the members would bring up his crush on you to embarrass him. would try to keep his interest in you lowkey, even if it was hard to keep his eyes off of you now that you were finally in the same room as him. would be a little surprised when he noticed you making eyes at him off camera, and even during the interview. would be twice as surprised when you came up to him afterwards, boldly asking for his contact info the best you could through the language barrier. even as flustered as he was, he'd hand type in his instagram @ on your phone, feeling like he was on top of the world.

seungkwan -

despite being super outgoing and extroverted, would shut down the moment his manager informed him you would be conducting a celebrity interview for seventeen. he'd try to keep himself as small as possible, hoping you don't notice him among the 12 other members. would try so so hard to keep his eyes off you, knowing he'd turn red as a beet if you even made eye contact with him. he'd spent one too many nights already fantasizing about meeting you, his favorite singer and celebrity crush, refusing to ever actually meet you in order to avoid ever embarrassing himself in front of you. would be caught so off guard when you approached him after the interview, telling him you'd seen some of his covers and fell in love with his voice, asking if he'd be interested in ever doing something together. vernon would have to intervene after a full minute of shocked silence from seungkwan, taking your contact info for him and excusing his friend, earning a scandalized smack on his chest from him at his reasoning of 'sorry, he just really likes you.'

vernon -

he had never wanted to not be fluent in english more than in this moment. being one of the members who spoke fluent english, he knew he had some responsibility to take charge of western interviews and be the one to answer most questions during interviews, but the moment he heard you were the one who would be interviewing them on the red carpet of some awards show, he immediately wanted to take his ass back to south korea. even after mentally readying himself for a few days, nothing could've prepared him to see you in that outfit, so pretty and so close. if you showed any type of flirtatious behavior, vernon's mind would go blank, being unable to respond to your questions as his brain could not even process what you'd said after the word 'handsome' came out of your mouth. joshua would have to take over to salvage the situation. luckily for vernon, you'd found his reaction to be adorable, deciding to ask for his socials once the cameras were off.

chan -

the moment he heard you were interviewing him and the members, he would pray to god none of the guys would go out of their way to embarrass him in front of you, knowing he'd been crushing on you even since predebut. would be in absolute awe of you from the moment you walked in the room, heart going a mile a minute as the time for the interview approached. would internally curse the guys for making him sit closest to you, meaning you instinctually would direct most questions at him. would sometimes miss a question because he'd be too distracted staring at you with moony eyes. would have to be nudged by the guys to focus, causing you to giggle at him, probably realizing he might have a lil thing for you. he was lucky he was cute, because that would lead you to seek him out after the interview, with chan dragging vernon over to awkwardly third wheel as he translated your flirtatious comments to chan.

[justin-chapmanswers]

Sorry if this is a bit rude, but how do you consider yourself as he/they or they/he? I am questioning my sexuality and gender at the moment and seeing you (idk if ur lgbt) makes me find comfort, if you can, how did you realise you were not straight and how I can find mine! :3

Oh golly uh. Let's see if I can keep this short and then bury it under other answers. <3

Labels are fun cause they're so funky and ever-changing as you learn more about yourself. So, firstly, don't stress about finding something so perfect right away and bounding yourself to it. You're still you, any way you word it.

Gender-wise I'm in a state of def preferring they but being chill enough with he. Like whateverrrrr. It's hard to get around societal norms and perceptions, so my expectations are calibrated accordingly. I of course feel that for people who feel more strongly about a specific label, it's important to fight for it to be recognized whenever you're in a safe-enough environment to do-so. But for me, the concept of pushing for a specific label or, even more-so, of seeing other people pushing others to use a specific label for me is veryyyy anxiety-inducing. I tend to avoid spotlight when possible. But at the same time, a lot of it just comes down to not wanting to be grouped/perceived gender-ly at all. I tend to use the label agender. But I'm sure a lot of people have similar experiences with different labels. I just, ya'know, wanna be me.

Gender exploration is funnnn. There's no one right way to learning about yourself. Some people know from a young age, almost inherently, some people figure things out a lot later. It's never too late. Some people learn with outfits and styles, some with looking to people/characters who they want to be perceived more-like, some with experimenting through new names/pronouns and feeling-out how being called different things makes them feel. If you have friends you feel safe around with all of this, on or offline, can't hurt to say "hey would ya mind calling me x-name or y-pronoun for a bit?" And if you don't like it, you don't need to stick with it. But really be cognizant of it feels right to you.

Then on the romantic orientation side, that's been a much longer journey haha. I was calling myself straight through middle schooler, bi for a bit in early high school, gay starting in later high school, then for a long while. Nowadays I just say queer. Labels make things easier, until they don’t haha. For me, if you imagine a scale of feminity to masculinity with like little pegs running down the line from 0 to 10, with 5 in the middle, I tend to find myself attracted to people in like the 4 to 8 range? Something like that. But even that's not perfectly consistent! There's never going to be a perfect word for everything. That's why I like queer as an umbrella term. It's also just a cute word, I don't make the rules.

Hence earlier when I mentioned that you should just feel free to keep it open and not close yourself off. Maybe nothing'll change, but what if something does? But of course, I assume you're asking from more of a place of just starting this journey. I'm trying to get my mind back to where I started with that. I think the first time the not-straight realization hit was when a friend of mine didn't show up to an event and I was all like "why am I so miserably sad that he wasn't there?" And then a lightbulb appeared over my head and out-loud I said "aw damnit." And then things have been weird and confusing ever since.

But in terms of giving advice, it's hard to not just be like "uhh idk just hang out with people that makes you feel gooey." But obviously it's more complicated than that. A decade ago, I was taking random "am I gay" tests online. But they're kinda silly cause the questions on those would ask me to fill in information about how I feel, but how am you supposed to know how I feel without the test telling me how I feel??????? So realistically, I'd advise private journaling. Just take some time, even five minutes. Start now. Write out who you are drawn to, in any sense, and how they make you feel. Especially if you're like me and have trouble self-reflecting unless I force myself to. Like. In a Tumblr post.

There's so many ways to explore. It's also nice to look at relationships in life and media and seeing if you connect to any relationship or long to fit into someone's place within a relationship. That's why representation matters, baybeeeee! But also, ya'know, talking to people goes a long way to learning about yourself. Trial 'n error let's gooooo.

And above all: you got this.

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Hello! I just wanted to say I stumbled across one of your posts and ended up looking through the trans tag in your blog for a while and idk it felt so so nice to see a middle aged trans guy just living life and being there for others who are at earlier points of their own trans related journeys, and I hope I can look as awesome as you and be as comfortable in my own skin and style and everything when I'm older.

I guess I also wanted to ask if you had any insight or advice about a couple things, if you're willing to share.. First thing is, did you ever struggle with passing but looking much younger than your age and that somewhat affecting your perception of yourself? I'm 28 and I started T 11 months ago (though at a pretty low dose because I wanted slow changes) and my face just recently started visibly shifting to a more masculine contour and I love it, but I still don't really look like a 28 year old guy.

I've always passed easily even before T but people think I'm like 18-21 max. Things were fine while I was in college (I came out at 19 so for a while my face just felt fitting enough and didn't make me feel either dysphoric or in a weird age limbo) but every year it feels more frustrating and makes me feel sort of alienated from myself including in mental ways, like I'm just a little kid who can't grow up. Like I'll never look like a "real guy" even though I can be stealth because I look like a weird teen and not like a grown up man. It's especially bad when I look at my amab younger siblings who are now also adults and see how I "should have looked" in some other life if I was cis. I guess maybe that's just another manifestation of dysphoria that I didn't have to deal with before? Did you ever experience something like that? And if yes did it get better after some years on T or how did you deal with it?

The other thing is just.. internalized transphobia. It's one thing to know things in a logical or intellectual sense but it's so hard to really feel and believe it sometimes and let go of all the awful transphobic stuff my family said to me during the first years of me being out. I just kept going anyway because I needed to be true to myself and my family basically bullying me wasn't gonna just magically change how I felt about my gender, but what it did do is put my already low confidence and self esteem (in this context regarding my gender) down on the floor. And sometimes I still just think and worry "what if they were right and I was wrong and I'll never be real and valid because of x y z", "what if I'm just delusional", "what if I'm a ridiculous freak". I know, in a way, that no I'm not. I'm just a trans person and they're just transphobes. But feelings like that just get to me sometimes and I don't really know what to do about them even nearly 10 years after coming out. Does that get better at some point? Just like you kinda stop giving a shit what people think about you in general as you get older? But how can you change those internalized views affecting what you think of yourself?

Bit nervous about asking this stuff tbh, so sorry it was so long also sorry if I worded any of it in a not so great way.

I will say though, that seeing older trans people like you does help a little bit. Just makes it feel like "hell yeah I wanna be like him when I grow up". So thank you for showing me that today ;u; (and also for inspiring me to put a little more thought and effort into my styling and fashion choices haha)

Heya, Anon! Let's see what I can cover here:

Looking young.

Oh my god, yes. I was getting carded to buy superglue and spray paint well into my late 30s (I started T at 33). When my partner first asked me out for a date, they were worried I wasn't old enough to drink yet (I was 36).

This is me 1 year on T, age 34.

Years 6 & 7 (ages 39 and 40), is when I feel I started looking older.

I feel like it's only been recently, 14 years in at 47, that I look in my 40s, and a "mature" adult. My beard finally getting full helped, as did my receding hairline. And I feel like my skin texture has toughened up enough, to where wrinkles show more.

That said, yes, it is tough and annoying to deal with. Even when people tell me I look like a particular cis man (where I actually see the resemblance, lol), when I look at us side-by-side, I feel like I'm just a pale shadow of him. I feel jealous and dysphoric, even while I'm flattered by the comparison. I wonder what I "should" look like, and it feels like something has been stolen from me. Its a roller coaster of emotions.

That feeling never really goes away, but you need to afford yourself some grace. You're going to be your own worst critic, and I guarantee you that, of many cis men you grew up with, you can probably still see the kid in them. So of course, you're going to see the kid in yourself.

But, you also just need to let time run its course. HRT is a marathon, and a lot of changes don't really settle for about 5 or 6 years.

I hate to say "enjoy it while you can" because I sure as hell bristled at being mistaken for a teenager or barely 20 when I was in my 30s. But do enjoy what you can of it. Because once you hit middle age, you're going to start dealing with a strange intersection of dysphoria and aging that I myself am still trying to navigate.

One other way I help myself get over negative feelings is to think of how differently my life would have been if I were cis. I honestly worry I would have been a worse person; even though being trans creates a lot of obstacles in my life, I feel like it's been a net gain: being able to know myself so well and help others learn about themselves.

Internalized transphobia

This got better for me with age. My epiphany was that, even over a decade into my transition, I was still softening myself for the benefit of friends and family. I was still using my gender-neutral birthname (I only recently changed it). I would call myself a "person", "guy", or "dude", instead of a "man". I dressed on the young and casual side, eschewing full-on masculine outfits like proper suits with ties.

I only recently pulled myself out of this. It still is a habit-in-progress to refer to myself as a man, even though I have always felt like one. And I've started to dress more vintage, not just because of hyper fixations, but because it's a way to lean into a presentation that is unequivocally, "this is a middle-aged man". And it's done a lot of good for my mental health.

What I'd suggest is to see if you are holding yourself back in any way wrt your gender presentation or how you talk/think about yourself. Give yourself full permission to acknowledge that you are a man, full stop. You're a young man, sure. But still a man, and a full-ass adult at that.

I hope some of this helps. Transition gives us a unique toolset for examining who we are and how we want to move through the world, and that work certainly doesn't end after finally getting on HRT. <3

[signanothername]

saw your recent post about Nightmare's room for Dream, and it reminded me of a fic, where due to Dream still physically and mentally being 6 in the stone, Nightmare was preparing for what to do now as the 'older brother'

which made me wonder

I'm betting Ink or someone from the Omega Timeline found Dream first when he was freed from the statue

What would've happened had it been Nightmare? When faced with this small six year old who is nothing like he remembers, would Nightmare's true self and corruption be mentally first fighting on what the hell to do?(The mental image of this is a bit comical)

Aw that’s adorable dhhxhxhxh

So funny enough, I kinda already made 2 comics that explored what Nightmare’s reaction will be to a small 6 y/o Dream before, just under completely different circumstances

But here’s the thing, while i have explained before how Nightmare’s corruption works in my eyes, I don’t think I was really clear in my explanations, so I’m taking your ask as an excuse to explain it better >:) (i’ll get back to your main question I promise hdhdhdh i just wanna help you connect some dots when it comes to Nightmare’s behavior)

So something to keep in mind is how Nightmare’s mind isn’t truly strong enough to fight off his corruption/corrupted thoughts from controlling him and guiding his actions, and while Nightmare is in absolute control of his mind, his corruption has shaped it in its own twisted way, that’s why he’s an absolute fucking bitch, that’s why Nightmare can be extremely cruel to those around him

Think of his corruption as a parasite, it feeds off Nightmare’s own pain and in turn it’s what makes Nightmare feel that pain (and his own emotions) magnified times a thousand

So when say a normal person who isn’t corrupted feels anger for example, they would feel that anger through stages from it being a mere mild frustration that turns to anger and then full blown rage (depending on the situation of course), but even then a normal person would be able to control that frustration so it doesn’t escalate to anger and in turn never turns to rage, or even if this person were to immediately jump to rage, then they’ll be able to calm themselves down by venting that anger a bit

Nightmare on the other hand,

A- doesn’t go through those stages for his emotions, he immediately experiences the most intense form of them

and

B- those feelings never go away, they linger and fester inside him like an infestation as it is what his own corruption feeds on

He feels angry? That anger is a full blown rage inside him, he feels sad? That’s crushing depression for him, he feels hate? That hate is nothing but raw loathing for everyone and everything around him, he feels fear? It’s fucking paralyzing to the point Nightmare seeks power so he won’t have to feel afraid, he feels happy? It’s tainted by his now sadistic behavior as Nightmare finds sick satisfaction and glee in hurting those around him

Of course, how he deals with that changes as he grows and learns and adapts, so such emotional intensity/ instability is extremely apparent on him as a newly corrupted 6 y/o who feels all alone and lost in the world while it shapes his personality and who he becomes as an adult with a lot more control over his actions/reactions (corruption + bad experiences that shapes his mind = Mean Girl Bitchmare)

What I’m trying to say is that his corruption contributes to his emotional instability, and that corruption knows what to feed on exactly, it makes it so Nightmare feels dependent on negativity so he won’t have to experience what it’s like to feel powerless again, it feeds on his fear, pain, anger, hatred and it extends to Nightmare’s sadistic cruel actions that in turn brings more negativity, which in turn makes him stronger and by extension the corruption stronger which contributes to magnifying his emotions even more, which leads to more cruelty and so on, it’s a never ending torturous cycle that no one is aware Nightmare’s in.. including Nightmare himself, Nightmare is as much of a victim to his corruption as those poor souls who have to deal with Nightmare cause of it

The corruption magnifies Nightmare’s emotions too much for his mind to even be able to process them let alone regulate them, (and Nightmare already has problems understanding his own emotions to begin with) and in turn that corruption only got to his mind as well

Imagine it this way, Nightmare’s mind is plagued by his now corrupted thoughts, he can’t truly think clearly through the thick suffocating corruption, trauma, and horrifying experience in his first 500 years of corruption, it’s like looking through a broken mirror, the pieces of the mirror are still there, and they still show his reflection, but they’re too distorted and messy to form a clean and clear reflection, Nightmare looks at himself in that mirror, but all he sees is scattered pieces of who he used to be (he can no loger recognize his reflection) and so as Nightmare keeps trying to put the pieces back together, it’s more and more clear that not only do they now show the reflection of he used to be, but also who’d he become, the shattered mirror pieces reflect both his corrupted and passive self in a distorted messy way (that’s who Nightmare is now)

Ok if that’s the case, how come Nightmare has kind moments that contradicts his own corrupted state of being? Cause despite his corruption, he’s still Nightmare, I can never emphasize that enough

Despite the cycle he’s in, despite the state of those shattered pieces of who he used to be, those pieces that has his passive self STILL EXIST alongside his corrupted pieces, Nightmare’s own mind, thoughts, emotions and identity beyond that corruption still linger inside him, even if if in a sort of a limbo state

Ok with that all in mind, what the fuck does that have to do with a 6 y/o Dream? Everything

Just like I showed in the comic before, Nightmare would be too blinded by his own pain and hatred (that’s magnified by his corruption) to actually slow down and realize that Dream is 1- literally still a 6 y/o in mental and physical capacity, and 2- is just as in much pain and with such as much trauma as he is

Nightmare hates Dream with a passion

But the thing is, as I showed in this comic here, apart of Nightmare still deeply cares about Dream, even when Nightmare’s in absolute denial about it, I dare say Nightmare doesn’t even realize how much that lil part of him cares

And that would reflect on how he deals with Dream, Nightmare would be conflicted alright, but his corruption would win first and foremost and as such, he’ll deal with Dream with cruelty (that he later realizes was a mistake)

I will not lie, I’ve yet to decide on what I love to think happened to Dream as a statue, but allow me to say that it’s one of 4 options, I like to believe it’s either

A- Nightmare kept him in Dreamtale beside the corpse of their mother

B- took Dream with him to his own castle where he kept him in a safe space

C- left him in a remote part of the multiverse in an empty universe devoid of life (which later got populated)

D- a combination between A and B and C in a linear timeline (i think option D is my fave so far, but I haven’t made a final decision yet :’D)

That being said, the moment Dream breaks out his stone prison, I believe Dream would be too confused and scared to understand what’s going on, hell, would probably think the Apple incident happened just yesterday, not that 500 years passed (you can imagine Dream’s shock later) only to start frantically searching for Nightmare and when he does find his twin? Nightmare doesn’t look like Nightmare anymore, where’s his golden crown? Where’s his tunic? Why is he so much taller? So many questions, and Nightmare’s not in the mood to answer

Nightmare would definitely be shocked to see Dream out of his prison, a big part of him hates that Dream escaped it, Dream doesn’t deserve to be free, another part of him (the one that cares) is relieved cause turning him to stone was never the plan, and then the more dangerous corrupted part of him is sadistically gleeful, he could finally get a proper payback and to have the golden apple from such a weak, small and helpless child

Dream would start talking about how he wants Nightmare back and you can imagine how pissed Nightmare would be at Dream’s daring audacity to bring up the apple incident

Their first interaction after Dream is finally freed is not at all pleasant (the fact Dream is still a 6 y/o physically and mentally doesn’t deter Nightmare’s cruelty)

Nightmare eventually realizes he should’ve been a lot more merciful on his twin when he first broke out his prison, yet that sadistic gleeful part of him can never be quelled (unbeknownst to Nightmare that the glee he feels at Dream’s misfortune is just his trauma shaped in a twisted manner due to his corruption, he feels like Dream hadn’t suffered like he had, so Nightmare will make Dream suffer himself)

And the rest is (kinda) history :)

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Some Surprises

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

NOV 2024 Week 1

Ongoing Series - Thai

Fourever You (Thai Thurs YT) ep 5 of 16 - I love this show, but I absolutely hate the main couple's communication style. Or complete lack of communication style. I really hope the other couples are not gonna be this bad and it’s just because this one is leaning into the worst of BL archetypes. But I’m not confident. Poor Ter dating Hill put a big old target on his back. Earth being a dramatic stressed gay queen was peak comedy tho. Apparently the good kisses are only on WeTV (I am annoyed) so props to the giffers who keep me supplied. You're doing the BL gods work.

I suddenly realized, after the bullying sequence, that one of the reasons I’m liking this so much is it reminds me of early Japanese yaoi. There’s something about the dynamics of the characters and the way they're reacting to situations that’s not very Thai BL feeling. And if I think of this is more JBL, I forgive it. Or maybe that’s just why I’m liking it so much despite its flaws? Difficult to understand my own feels about this show.

Jack & Joker (Thai Mon IQIYI) ep 8 of 12 - I don’t like this new evil-bonkers rich kid character and whatever is going on with Jack and Rose and that whole story. It’s boring. And then my brain short circuited. No further thoughts... just War in a wife beater. 

Love Sick 2024 (Thai Sun iQIYI) ep 7 of 15 - Phun's bitch face really is epically wonderful. I kinda enjoy everybody ribbing the two of them because they have no idea what’s actually going on. I'm chronicling my experience with 2024 as compared to 2014 here.

Kidnap (Fri YT) ep 9 of 12 - Omg cutest boyfriends EVER. I don’t even mind how cheesy their bf era is. Does this lull jive with the rest of the story? Nope. But ya know that’s GMMTV’s thing these days, flailing during the final act.

Perfect 10 Liners (Thai Sun YouTube?) ep 1 of 24 - Pretty standard Thai BL university fair. I am hoping it’s better than ForceBook’s previous offering. Yet another sniff test. Is this the trope of the year? Meanwhile, they also deployed the crash into me trope in episode one. Who do they think they are? Taiwan?

New is directing this uni BL with a massive cast + massive run time. It's an endurance test ya'll - we will be watching this until APRIL of 2025! Su su na.

Every You Every Me (Thai Mon Gaga) ep 4 of 10 - I really like that they had the bandwidth to give us a little side couple with this installment. Fun crumbs. Meanwhile, the thing with the shirt in front of the mirror was extremely sexy. This installment was very sad though. And, of course, I’m not happy about it. To top it all off, next week is musical themed, so you know I’m disgruntled about it. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

See Your Love (Taiwan Weds Gaga) ep 3 of 13 - Aw spoiled neglected rich boy wants to be cared for and spoiled honestly. I do love them. Also tiny idiot syndrome is spreading. 

Teenager Judge (Vietnam Sat YT) ep 6 of ? - The side couple (teacher student, hyung romance but he’s using em) interesting. Not sure how I feel about them. The subs are so bad it’s largely incomprehensible but I’m still enjoying it for no defensible reason. 

My Damn Business (Korea Sat YT) eps 5 of 7 - I love that our uke can be such a little shit. I love it when a tsundere has some serious snark and attitude to back his petulance up. Also liquid courage. At least we got to the root of the tsundere. Also neck kisses and cuddles! 

Eccentric Romance (Korea Weds Viki) eps 7-8 of 12 - Oooo, cute kiss. Drunken but adorable. I do like it when they use older Korean actors in KBL, they actually know how to kiss. Has the kiss saved this show? Possibly. I’m shallow. 

Love is Like a Poison AKA Doku Koi: Doku mo Sugireba Koi to Naru (Japan Tues Netflix?) 7 of 10 eps - Our con man is such a good little homemaker. And it’s sexy yukata time! Love this trope. 

Love in the Air: Koi no Yokan (Japan Sat Gaga) ep 1 of 10 - Same plot as the Thai original, only from Japan. Very similar so far. I hope Rei is a bit more smart and Arashi is a bit less of a sleaze. I still get too much secondhand embarrassment and my mame alert is blaring.  I'm wary.

Blue Canvas of Youthful Days (China Sun iQIYI) eps 1-2 - Triggers for child abuse, alcoholism. Two artists, one an abused rich kid and the other a tough scrappy poor kid, in the same art prep school. I of course adore the side couple of the much younger kid and the older teacher. Oh, I do like it. But it's CBL, I'm very scared as to where it might go.

Bad to Bed (Taiwan Sat YouTube) ep 1 of 10 - Influencer Wan Xiong suffers from insomnia, it’s a physical and mental battle. As he tried to find a solution, he encounters five boys along the way. I'm putting this on the list because it's airing and I just found out about it but I didn't have time to watch it yet. I hear it's v weird.

It's airing but...

The Hidden Moon (Sat WeTV) 10 eps - Supernatural romance (my ghost boyfriend trope) by Violet Rain (I Feel You Linger). A man is hired to write an article about an old mansion. He sees the ghosts of people who died at the mansion, falls in love with one of them. Was substantially recast. I loved IFYLITA except the ending so I think I'll let this one run it's course you can tell me if it's work tracking down... if they managed to land it. I have my doubts.

Bad Guy My Boss (Thai Sun Gaga) 10 eps - I DNF'd at ep 7, I couldn't make it. I am weak. Life is hard enough right now, this show is making it harder. It’s not what I want from my entertainment.

Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo (Korea Thurs Gaga) eps 4 of 8 - I put this one on pause. It's too heavy for me right now. I'll wait to know if the ending is hard fought happy (and then watch) or not (and won't finish). Sorry all, rough times this side of the screen.

Random I watched it

Vending Machine Sabi Koi AKA Can I Buy Your Love From A Vending Machine AKA Sono Koi, Jihanki de Kaemasu ka? (Japan 2023) - This show is utterly adorable, impossibly awkward, and kinda old fashioned. About a cute nerdy little office worker (he's out!) who has a big'ol crush on the tall hulking vending machine guy. They fall in love. And that’s it. And it’s charming. There’s some first name eroticism, because Japan, and there's emphasis on communication, which is so not Japan, but turns this into an organically loving and talkative relationship. There’s a bit of an age gap, and our office cutie may or may not have a muscles fetish (the hot bod not the shellfish) because (if I’ve told you once I’ve told you 1 million times) Japan always goes kinky. And you know what, I loved it. 9/10

Next Week Looks Like This:

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

November BL:

11/4 Our Youth AKA Miseinen: Mijukuna Oretachi wa Bukiyo ni Shinkochu (Japan Mon Gaga?) 11 eps - Minase was an exemplary high school student who hates Hirukawa, head bully and top delinquent. But then Minase uncovers Hirukawa’s secret and the two get intimate.

11/15 Caged Again (Thai Fri WeTV) 10 eps - Penguin escapes zoo by turning into a human. Gets trapped again and a panther falls in love with him.

11/17 Your Sky (Thai iQIYI) 12 eps - Due to an unforeseen situation, a naive freshman and the campus’s popular senior agree to pretend to be a couple - but their fake deal begins to generate real feelings.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Honor the crumbs indeed. This pair is so much crumbs it's practically dust. (Love Sick 2014)

God he is so stupidly in love.

(lask week)

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs

Sigh, Tumblr in its infinite wisdom doesn't like too many at-ings.

[ivysangel]

hello angel 💕

as much as i love confident, cocky jason in bed, i also think he doesn’t have a lot of experience (just go with me here). between dying young and his all consuming question for revenge, i don’t think he’s actually had that many sexual partners or relationships. simply where would he find the time? like he’s familiar with the mechanics, knows what feels good and how to make a partner feel good, but he doesn’t really have a frame of reference for his preferences.

but that’s the exciting part! he gets to discover what really turns him on and gets him off with you! he figures out that he likes pinning you down and immobilizing you with his body but that ropes are a no go. that fucking you through at least four of your own orgasms first has him cumming so hard there’s stars in his vision. that he doesn’t like pain unless it’s from your nails clawing up his back. everything’s up for grabs and you get to figure it all out with him.

sunnie (@fic-over-cannon)

let out audible noises reading this...my entire body is tingling sunnie like you just CANNOT do this to me. i really don't even...how do i add to this??? what do i say other than i love you!!!!

this basically being the precursor to confident jason?? the first time you guys have sex, it's pretty vanilla, he makes you cum regardless, and it's still amazing and better than most guys with experience, but you can tell he's still a bit unsure of himself. he still hesitates to move too quickly, he's still scared to hurt you, and he still asks, "is this okay?" and "does this feel good?" but not in a sexy "i want to hear you" kinda way, in an "i'm worried i'm doing a bad job" kinda way.

like i said, the sex was never bad, but boy, does it get better when he discovers what he likes. you're play fighting when he finds out he likes it when you can't move under him. he's got you pinned between him and your living room carpet, trying to get out from his hold, and he's literally got a growing boner pressed into you through his pants. ropes are a no-go because not only does he have awful memories associated with them, but the prospect of not being able to touch you and you not being able to touch him pisses him off.

he finds out he likes it when you leave scratches on him one random night after you successfully sneak out of a wayne enterprises gala. expensive shoes and an even more expensive dress on the floor, but those pretty red nails you'd gotten on a whim stay attached to your fingers, leaving bright red lines up and down his back.

he likes it when you wear lingerie but thinks it's hotter when you wear cute matching pajama sets. he's fond of red, but green's his favorite color; you have to stay vigilant with birth control around christmas time. he'll never do public places but a bathroom or car here and there he won't say no to. he likes sex in the morning and in the shower. he likes it in the kitchen and on the couch but prefers the bed. he's not opposed to the floor, but he'll only do it there when he's desperate.

he gets turned on when you show interest in his hobbies and even more turned on when you talk about yours. he likes overstimulating you but not to the point where you're in pain, and he loves getting head but loves eating you out more.

his biggest turn-on is verbal consent; he wants to hear that you want him, and if you want him to do anything unconventional in any way, that's how you go about it. tell him in the middle of dinner how badly you need him, and he'll politely excuse you from the table, drive you guys a few miles away and then pull over and fuck you silly.

[neon-ufo]

Can anybody attest to a perfect description like the ones we used to know? We were younger then. I'd like to think I'm realistic, still I'm never satisfied. Too afraid of what might come along, too uptight to make it mine.

Song for June: All Good People by Good Luck

~~~ In the past months I've been almost haunted by restless thoughts about my identity & how I've treated it. My closest ones all know I'm trans, but it was something I've kept private from most, as I didn't feel like it was anyone's business. I've repressed it, and I've repressed the art that might've come from it in order to keep it private.

But I recently started to come to terms with the fact that being trans is in fact part of my identity. For the longest time I haven't really felt it was, I kinda just transitioned and moved on. To some degree I still feel like it's much less 'important' to me than it seems to many other people here, which makes me feel a bit alienated. However remaining private about it has started to gnaw at me a lot. I wanted to share it. One's views of oneself can change surprisingly a lot with time.

I had a chat with a fellow transmasc friend not too long ago, about how differently we experience our identities, and it moved something in me. I suddenly felt so much awe for the fluidity of gender expression, in a different way than how I've already appreciated it. Like it just hit me that what I considered a mundane existence wasn't all that mundane after all. I'm trans, and it feels good to say it. (:

Predictably, this piece was very hard to draw. Expressing myself in art doesn't come easy to me, and I can't help but wonder if the two issues might be connected at the core. I took photos of my scars to use in this image, for an additional personal touch <:

[deathbysnakes]

Don't you think it would be adorable that pierro plays hide and seek with an adopted child (y/n) while the other harbingers are in shock watching this scene??

The last part should be hilarious hahhahaha

Hide & Seek Catastrophe

Pierro & child reader (Platonic)

Side note:Sorry this took so long, I've been kinda stressed lately.

Warnings:You almost get experimented on

Pronouns:He/Him (All male harbingers + Dottore's clones) She/Her (All female harbingers) You/Your (Reader)

Fluff/Crack

Explanation:You have recently been adopted by the leader of the fatui harbingers, Pierro, and you've convinced him to play hide and seek with you, but you made the not so smart decision to go to the fatui headquarters to hide (I like to imagine that the harbingers houses are connected to the fatui headquarters)

!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!

"Close your eyes, and count to 60, no peaking!" You chirped happily, as you watched Pierro follow your instructions. "60? Why not 30?" Pierro mumbled to himself nervously, something about having you out of his sight in such a dangerous place made him anxious, but he ignored his feelings, he wanted you to be happy after all, you've been cooped up in Pierro's mansion ever sense you've been adopted, it feels wrong to deny your request when you've been wanting to stretch your legs and have some fun for the past few days.

You immediately dashed off as soon as Pierro started to count, not only was this your chance to play, it was your chance to explore. You opened the mansions door and it lead out into a huge palace. You couldn't help but stare in awe for a few seconds before dashing off into the palace.

You squealed in surprise as you saw a intimidating figure as soon as soon as you turned a corner, the figure was tall, muscular, and had long black hair, but perhaps the most intimidating thing about him was his helmet, you couldn't see his face because of it, and it rightfully disturbed you. The man turned and looked at you, nothing more, just stared. "What is a child doing in a place like this?" You tensed up, the feminine voice was like a soothing melody, but there was something off about it. You slowly turned around and came face to face with a angelic woman with black and pink hair, and a strange cross-shaped white cloth that was kinda covering her eyes. "Let's get you back to the house of hearth~" She sang, reaching out for you, you squealed in fear and made a run for it. The woman watched you run with a amused face, not attempting to make chase, she'd just tell Arlecchino.

You eventually slowed down and attempted to catch your breath with tears in your eyes, who knew this place could be so terrifying? Clearly not you. "Whoa, you okay there kid? You look like you've just seen a ghost." You quickly whip around and before you is standing a ginger haired man with a kind but worried smile on his face. "Calm down, I'm not going to hurt you." The man crouch's down to your leavel. "My names Tartaglia, yours is?" Tartaglia says, his head tilting to the side to try and seem less threatening. "[Name]..." You answer, tears still clouding your vision. "That's a nice name!" Just as you start to feel relaxed, you hear footsteps behind you. "Tartaglia, about how much money you spent when you were in Liyue..." The man with glasses stopped when he saw your small figure staring up at him with scared eyes. "What is this child doing here?" He asked in a stern tone, crossing his arms. "Uh...I'm not sure, I kinda just saw it." Tartaglia responded, putting a hand on the back of his head. "No matter, Tartaglia you spent 7 million mora when you went to Liyue, what is the meaning of this?!"

As the two argue you heard a voice "Psst! Hay! Over here!" You turned to see a red eyed and blue haired child that looked about 10 motioning to you to come over, you walk towards him hesitantly, being cautious not to catch the attention of the two arguing men. "Do you want to see something cool?" He asked, there was a curtain cunning look in his eyes that made you uneasy but you nodded hesitantly. "Then follow me!" The boy took off into a sprint, and you followed behind, he was surprisingly fast for a child his age. You froze as you arrived at a scary looking lab. "What's this, Alpha?" You gasp in surprise when you hear someone's voice behind you, you turn around and see a tall red eyed and blue haired man, the boy, that's apparently called Alpha, and the man looked related. "A new test subject!" You're eyes widened in terror as you heard those words. "How kind of you." The man walked over to Alpha and ruffled his hair, then turned back to you. He started to reach out towards you. "Now, let's be going now-" Before he could finish his sentence you felt yourself being picked up from under your arms and being dashed away.

You felt yourself being put down on a bench, and when you looked up you saw a short purple haired man looking down at you with a angry look on his face. "What were you thinking?! Weren't you ever taught not to go with strangers?!" You started to tear up at his harsh words and he let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. "If you ever see someone with red eyes and blue hair, don't go near them, don't engage with them, go the other way, you got it?" You nodded, and the man started to walk away.

You got up off of the bench and heard something crunch beneath you, you looked down and saw a little robot, then you heard a gasp. You turned around and saw a green haired woman looking down at the little robot you just crushed in shock, then her face quickly shifted into anger. "You little brat! Look what you've done to little Tom 5.8!" You teared up at the woman yelling, but she still didn't give up. "Do you know, how much blood and sweat I put into making him?! Of course you don't! You're a dumb little child! This is why I hate children, they ruin everything!" You broke into a full on break down, crying loudly as the woman continued shouting insults at you. "Sandrone that's enough!" Sandrone let out a "ow!" When she was hit in the shoulder with a cane. "You've done enough, leave the poor child alone! " Sandrone angerly stomps off while mumbling angerly.

You felt a gloved hand on your head as you continued crying, as you started to calm down and wipe the tears from your eyes, you see what looks like a friendly old man with an elf like appearance standing in front of you. "There, there little one, she's like this all the time, there's nothing to feel guilty about." You started to calm down at his soothing words. "Would you like a pastry?" He asked, reaching into a basket, you nodded as your tears started to stop. He pulled out a few macarons and you hesitantly took them from him. "Try to avoid Sandrone, she's always in a bad mood and takes it out on the poor soul that comes in a 10-foot radius of her." The old man said as you ate. "I'll be off now, keep yourself safe little one." The old man said as he started to walk away.

"Don't cry, it makes you look ugly." You turned around and saw a tall blond woman in a white and black dress in front of you. "Why are you staring at me like that? Fix your face." The woman said, crossing her arms. You started to tear up again and the woman's eyes widened. "What did I just tell you?" The woman leans down, takes a handkerchief out, and wipes the tears off of your face. "Don't. Cry." This strange way of trying to comfort you actually made you feel better. "You're only getting this treatment because you're cute." The woman huffed. "There you are." The both of you turn around, a woman with white and black hair is walking towards the two of you. "Come to me my child, it's time to go back to the house of hearth." The blond woman in the black and white dress gets up and steps back, letting the black and white haired woman approach you. You backed away anxiously as the woman got closer, and then another person came into your vision, a man with blue hair and a bird mask. "Hands off Arlecchino, this one wondered into my lab, there for it's my test subject now." Arlecchino gave the blue haired man a mean look. "You will not be taking one of my children." You noticed, behind her, the same black and pink haired woman was watching you, well, it looked like she was watching you, but her eyes were closed. "Both of you will not be taking my child."

You felt yourself being picked up, and when you turned around, it was Pierro. "Your child?" You turned to see the ginger guy with the same black haired guy with glasses. "You have a child?" Tartaglia asked again. You noticed familiar faces gathering around. "Sence when did you have a child?" The short purple haired man asked as he leaned against a piller. "One week ago, Scaramouche." Pierro answered and turned back to you. "And why do you have meringue on your lips?" You're eyes widened and you looked around, you've already had your daily sweet for today, you weren't supposed to have another, and you had mutable macaroons. "That would be my falt." The little old man spoke up. "I found your child crying so I gave [preferred pronouns] some of my pastries." Pierro frowned at this. "Why was my child crying?" The little old man looked over at Sandrone, and Pierro followed his gaze. "We'll have a little, chat about this later, but now, we're going back home, and let this be known, if my child has a single scratch on them, you all will be punished." Pierro started to walk away but you whined and tried to get out of his grasp. "What is it now?" Pierro asked with a sigh. "I want to play hide and seek again, but this time, I want to be the seeker!" It was silent for a moment before it was broken by a chuckle. "I don't see why not?" The little old man spoke. "I want to play hide and seek!" The little red eyed and blue haired boy called Alpha you saw earlier chimed in. Pierro sighed again. "Alright, but this time, you count for 30 seconds." Pierro said in a series tone, but there was also a hint of softness in it. "I want to play too." Everyone turned to see who was talking, it was the intimidating man with the helmet you saw earlier. "Really, you of all people?" The blue haired man with the bird mask spoke, giving the intimidating man a judgmental look. "Yes."