#But it popped up in my memories today
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Jimmy would plaster “happy disability pride month cripples” absolutely everywhere he can anytime July first rolls around. And the main reason for this is just to start internet discourse over the use of the word
#south park#jimmy valmer#service dog au#look at me making a#Jimmy post for the first time#Sorry y’all I have a ss of that shirt#In my camera roll from like#Two months back and I can’t remember the#Context of why I have it#But it popped up in my memories today#And I immediately thought of this#wip: butterfly verse
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* is . Is there even anyone out there rn whos seriously into dwtd . am I seriously into dwtd? Idk i just like stupe a lot
#digital art#fanart#dumb ways to die#dwtd#wait im sorry i saw dwtd pop up when i wrote that do people make dumb ways to die aus ?? i gotta check that out#cw severed head#severed head cw#tw severed head#severed head tw#just in case :oP#dwtd stupe#stupe dwtd#stupe#dumb ways to die stupe#stupe dumb ways to die#i went on a bit of a trip down memory lane today i watched Alllll the parodies i watched as a kid#my favorite parody was always viver com saúde#that comfused ”i saw dwtd pop up” tag was supposed to say ”i saw dwtd au pop up” blehh i dont think
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You guys ever feel trapped? Yea I'm well-acquainted with the feeling of being trapped.
#*text#talk about unpleasant#sorry for only posting textposts here lately. I Forgot how I use this blog.#Also I'm gonna use this as an excuse to vent in the tags about something that's been bothering me today.#I hate days where it feels like I can't be the same person for even. idk. an hour?#I was gonna say just a general statement of 'I hate how I can't feel like the same person for more than an hour' but then I realized it onl#particularly bothered me today so maybe it's just a sometimes thing. throws hands up in the air I WOUDLN'T KNOW#It's just...nothing I do throughout the day matches. i keep starting new things only to forget about them (or forget how much I cared#about them) and try something else later. resulting in a long line of unfinished stuff and frustration.#I keep trying to come up with new conclusions/solutions to problems I've run through my head a million times already.#problems I didn't know I had or forgot about pop up etc.#I'll be doing fine and then I'll just feel stranded out of nowhere with no idea why and trying to figure out if this is normal for me.#I've felt stranded all day.#it's just ugh. i'm so confused. it's been a day i guess.#all the words i write feel kinda foreign to me sometimes. short term memory problems I guess. ✌️#but also I feel very very locked in a really limited worldview. or just like. my world feels very small like tunnel vision kind of thing an#for that reason it just feels like it'll go on the same forever and ever and ever. which is a very scary thought.#idk if my logical 'well that obviously isn't the case. things will change eventually' rebuttal is good enough to go against it.#so there you go I wrapped it all back to the point of the post: feeling trapped. yayyy#i don't mean to make myself sound so sad and pitiful. usually i'm doing fine and bad things kinda just don't register in my brain#but there are Secret Evil Feelings inside me that I don't even know about and sometimes I like to poke them with a stick.
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one of the more inspiring yet vaguely threatening emails i've received in my academic career
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Books of 2023. THE MEMORY POLICE by Yoko Ogawa.
#books of 2023#the memory police#yoko ogawa#books#book photography#a review popped up somewhere that made me think this could count as driscoll-adjacent#giving it a shot to see!!#also yeah i know it wasn't on my Ambitions TBR Stack leaf me aloooone#babel was supposed to take me more than twelve (12) days to read lmao#i'm gonna do this one and then start split tooth i think#i did also get another migrations box in the mail today and i MIGHT fuck around and read some of those sooner rather than later#again: we'll see!!
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Miley Cyrus is thirty, and I used to think that sounded old but now it just sounds thirty. Hannah Montana was my first pop icon—or obsession. I remember my shoes, my shirts with her teenage face printed on with that flimsy wig—I wanted one just like it, or of my own. Just wanted to be someone different and older. And I'm twenty-four now and I still haven't dyed my hair blonde. Still a redhead, I'm afraid, but that made my dead grandmother very proud. I remember that 3D concert movie in third grade premiering in theaters. You know I wore my favorite shoes to it. I had to. How could I go out to the live Hannah Montana experience without those dirty white sneakers with a cheap gold paint? My prized possessions. And she sang the first song she ever wrote, "I Miss You," for her grandfather, and I just thought: Wow, what a big girl, who can do so much, make her own music, sing it in front of millions, and who has experienced so much. Now it seems like not all that much to me. When Meet Miley Cyrus came out as a double-album with Hannah Montana 2, you know I was blasting it in my bedroom, singing and dancing to those songs like I wrote 'em. Like they were mine. I suppose they still are, and so were Bangerz and Dead Petz for me in high school, and Younger Now when I was eighteen, a legal adult but a little baby, but supposedly not "stuck in East Northumberland High for the rest of my life"— I guess people do change. But did I really? And did Miley really? Surely she did, she has, over and over again. Changed genres, sounds, and looks. Supposedly so have I. I wear bras now, at least when I go out in public, but Miley also taught me what nipple pasties are. You see? She's an icon, a legend and an educator, a role model but never wanted to be one, was never old enough to be one when she was forced to be. Miley Cyrus is thirty, and I'm twenty-four. Now she says we used to be young. Can't deny that that's true. The years go by, though, and we're still in our same skins, with new cells, with changed voices, but still singing.
"Miley Cyrus is Thirty" - an ekphrastic free verse of "Used to be Young" (2023) by Miley Cyrus, written 8/26/2023
#free verse#2023#ekphrasis#ekphrastic poetry#free meter#stream of consciousness#miley cyrus#hannah montana#nostalgia#used to be young#pop culture#ive had the first three lines of this poem rattling in my mind for awhile but they never really took form until today#poem#poetry#my miley cyrus anecdotes go on and on and on ill have you know#i have so many memories w miley that this poem feels like it still doesnt do her justice but who knows#i could write a sequel. or maybe i never will#but hannah montana premiered when i was in first grade. and i got my first period the same month it ended#you can only imagine the emotional effect that had on sixth grade me#i was devastated. i truly felt like i was Growing Up#and i still am and so is miley. good for us#but also we've sure cried a lot in that time haven't we?
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about to vent in the tags real quick gonna be annoying and emo sorry in advance
#I’m back in my hometown this weekend bc my sister had a birthday party today and I baked cake pops for it and made her a bday sign#and tomorrow is my mom’s birthday too#and my (insane) set of grandparents are here this weekend so it’s already exhausting#bc my grandmother is very narcissistic and she talks incessantly#but then I feel left out and lame and it’s just triggering teenage memories#bc my younger brother and younger sister are going with their partners to hang out with each other#and I didn’t get invited#well technically I guess but my mom literally had to be like ‘make sure to invite Oma’#and then my siblings are like oh yeah you know you can come#like no I don’t want to come now bc it feels like a pity invite#and now it just reminds me that I’m the black sheep of the family#in the sense of I’m the ‘weird’ one#I’m the one that doesn’t fit in culturally with where I grew up#(I grew up with rural small town Alabama btw)#and a part of me is so proud and happy I don’t fit in#I have my own convictions and beliefs and interests outside of the way I grew up#but also it’s kind of isolating in a way from my own family#like i know im seen as the liberal one who moved to the city and who isn’t ‘country’#plus because I had a really bad anxiety disorder growing up and I isolated myself due to it I’m seen as weird or standoffish#anyway#i’ll probably delete this later#just needed to type it out
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#what do you call it when a mind is lacking in depth of m thought? is there a word for that?#because all my mind can do is spin in tiny circles. never push any further. no depth of thought#i cant even carry out this line of thought to completion in my head. i have to write it down like this or else it remains stuck in an eddy#its so frustrating. when my thoughts are pressured i spin so fast it feels like my head might pop but the thoughts never go anywhere#bc they just repeat the same god damn things all thr fucking time. they drag me around in circles. then when im feeling low or even like#normal. my head just feels empty and it freaks me out. i have no intersting thoughts to think. theres nothing behind my eyes#possibly its just my brain on 0cd. but how am i suppose to escape the spiral if its in my own head? i guess im just supposed to changr my#reaction to it. recognize what it is and let it go. but i dont like it#i just want to curl up on a warm tile floor. press myself into a quiet corner and not think anything#in an aquarium or a conservatory. specifically the conservatory in Columbus. i love that place#i went there for my birthday when i was like 12 bc i liked it so much. the botanically gardens and the butterflies and the stained glass#i dunno. i just like it there. ugh. im just tired#god. there was a really cool talk today and im always like im not that inattentive lol but then i cannot for the life of me follow a talk or#read a paper all thr way through. my short term working memory is just a tiny little cup. easy to overfill#so i miss mostly everything. its so frustrating#its all frustrating. whatever. back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. probably up thr lamicta1 dosage#bc im past where i was last time i had a reaction to it 💪#i just wish i wanted to draw. drawing just makes me tired and impatient rn#unrelated
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Today in your memory reminders for photos and collages...do people truly enjoy those? Or are they always just a minefield of hey do you remember this awful time?
#mumblings#thanks memory pop up I never wanted for the punch in the face reminder that today's the day after a 13+ hour flight#that i missed saying goodbye to my mother#truly despise you memory pop up with all my heart but thankfully I think I destroyed it's ability to do that again#which is good because the start of summer is just a minefield for those
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Who would've thought that being exposed to one of your triggers (that you only recently found out is a trigger) on a daily basis would be bad for your mental health. Save me f/os </3
#negative#mutual who I'm terrified of cutting off is posting about nothing but h/azbin h/otel#< the mutual isn't anyone here btw#but. I'm terrified of bringing this up with her#since she like. really seems tk not be okay with people who hate v/ivziepop or her work :(#I can't even go on twitter anymore since I keep getting hazbinhotel jumpscared#it's literally my entire tl right now even though I have everything related to it muted#I have had tk block so many peo0le today just to try to rpevent it from popping up#I feel so stupid that some show has become a trigger for me#just. finding out about that sa scene has made it so every time I see anything hazbin hotel related#I start getting intense flashbacks to my csa trauma :(#honestly at this point I think viziepop herself is a trigger for me#seeing her art brings back these memories too#you can call me stupid or sensitive or whatever but i literallt have no control ocer this#I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want some stupid cartoon to become a massive trigger for me#but it happened anyway#sorry for rambling like this lol#this has just been on my mind forever now#it's been almost 2 months now and I'm just. exhausted#csa mention#< in the tags
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#this popped up in my fb memories today#i thought id post it here bc im sure tumblr folks can relate#ok to reblog#Ally's personal life#real life
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apparently now we get to have flashbacks to the weird period between mid 2015 and late 2016 where our mental health took some absolutely wild hits, plus the odd flashback to mid 2017, so I guess it's time to deal with this stuff again
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#I've had like 3 or 4 different things today that kind of combined to be really triggering and bring up some stuff from years ago#this stuff's always weird to deal with because it's from before I was here#like these are our memories but they're not my memories. I wasn't around for them#I used to not be able to remember any of it without other alters that were there telling me about it and showing me the memories#and I know a lot of these are memories that my source memories would normally mask because the emotions are the same#they're not even necessarily specific big events. we get a lot of mundane flashbacks and that's mostly what this is#but it still ends up being a really shitty time because of stuff like nostalgia and the fact that we were doing so badly back then#I think there's a lot of emotions that should have just happened and then finished happening and dissipated or whatever emotions do#but instead got shoved down and just stuck around as they were at the time and they randomly pop back up seemingly just as strong#so now our brain thinks it's 2016 again and I have to deal with the wild emotional shit we had going on as a teenager
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aw damn it
#watching bones#a dog died on the show#and my phone popped up today with yknow the memories thing of photos you took x time ago#one of the last times i saw my jed was this week 2 years ago. 3 years ago? i don't remember time is weird#anyway he died this year#i didn't get to see him often but like he was my dog yknow#he's buried in a really nice place but i'll probably never get to see it cs now my parents areall in the uk i haveno reason to go to france#so now i'm crying a lot#speaking of graves now my sister has her name written somewhere i should probably go and see it#it's just nice to know it's there it took 27 years to put her name in stone so i should go see it#or. idk it's in stone it's on a wall somewhere in the crem. but still she never had that before last month.#ohhh 2023 has been too much of a year#everything everything at once#my auntie told me yesterday (mum's dropped her phone in the canal again) that#my gran didn't have her kidney removed (cancer) on thursday cs she has irregular heart rhythm? so they're looking this week instead#she's almost 70 she has cancer on her kidney ovaries and smth on her lung and she can't have blood transfusion and she has smth w her heart#well at least i'm only crying about recent stuff now#pffffft i'm going to make tea#everything is yuck this year
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This might not mean anything to anyone here but the explanation for why they were charging $100 for m+g is so not an excuse it makes me mad.
So there was supposed to be a special option to get the book for $100 that's personally signed and a Polaroid and you get one on one time (still through a cage). Okay, so they ran out but people still wanted the package. What package? There are no books?
so they could have either dropped the extras and just let people go talk to them and take pics or they could have dropped the price to get things signed and have one on one time since there was no book. But they knew they could charge it so they did.
What's offered was never worth $100 to start with. If he felt bad that people couldn't get the package then keeping it $100 by replacing the good would not have been the first option. it was about making that money after they realized it was possible to keep charing people.
I'm not even going to get into the "human zoo" idea of it all as a bunch of white guys are running things, I think the whole thing was skeezy enough without having to get into ALL that. ew. Argue with the wall, the whole thing sucked
#supermega#supermega pop up shop#happy for the people who had a good experience#good for the people who had the time and money and have a nice memory with the boys#that doesnt change the fact thos wasnt made as a fun fan interaction#it was literally by his own words a way to make money by moving merch#pop up#ooc#i need to make a sm account thats not this one but today isnt that day so just deal with it#okay#its out of my system
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Grief is an asshole.
#grief#death tw#personal#vent#death#grief tag#i'm just so lost right now#a photo of my grandma popped up in my facebook memories today#i know it's been almost four months but it still hurts as much as it did then#i was doing pretty well though#but when i saw that picture -i started crying#mama virgie#was the world to me#she loved me unconditionally#she never judged me#was never mean to me#and even remembered me right up until her last breath#even when she couldn't speak-she remembered me#i'm fighting back tears right now#i don't want to cry#because once i get started#i won't be able to stop#i just miss her so much#this hurts#bat.txt
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#okay really super fucked up intrusive thought time#as someone who’s been suicidal since before i’ve had memories#and as someone who has way too many unsuccessful suicide attempts for one lifetime#i developed this weird instrusive … i don’t wanna say fantasy … but this very instrusive ‘hope’#that because of all my unsuccessful suicide attempts; that i hoped i would just get murdered instead#it was this chronic intrusive thought from my late teens to early 20s#about how it would just be easier for someone else to kill me because obviously i’m bad at it#it would be clean and easy and i would be gone with no worry about people blaming me for my own death#and i haven’t had the ‘i wish i would just get murdered’ intrusive thought for YEARS#it popped up again today for the first time in a solid 2 years and i’m just so ://////
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