#But hyperfixations = the only acceptable procrastination

[crazyhickofftheirrocker]

got 20hrs to write 7,000 words and two coffees in has me optimistic to the point of delusion

"use chatgpt" that's the devil talking. buy four caffeinated drinks and pull an all nighter. this is the way.

[mandalhoerian]

I have an urge to talk in Turkish here but I gotta keep it to myself now haha. Your page gives me a sense of comfort with the fact that you're Turkish.

What I was trying to say, that if you feel like no one's is interested in our girl Vera etc or the content/posts you want to make for her here apart from the fic writing, don't think like that because it is your page and your followers follows you for a reason.

But most importantly, what I was trying to say, that Vera gives me so much comfort as a Turkish woman myself like her ( my hair is also wavy like her how her hair gets after rain haha ). I love your Vera content. I just wanted to say that. She is also giving me inspiration for my own oc making. Back in the time I was so hesitant with the thought of making Turkish ocs, but with her and you of course, I started to beat that voice.

i'm answering this a bit late so my apologies! I wanted to say a lot but ramadan has me lazing around not wanting to do anything, so I procrastinated 😭

i know the as bayrakları as as as 🇹🇷🇹🇷🇹🇷 feeling like the last thing I expected to find here was another Turkish RE creator like. It's such a bizarre kinship and comfort, I know how you feel! I'm happy I was able to give it back.

Our girl Vera has me GRINNING, but not to change the subject too much, I know,,, it's a feeling that comes and goes. I used to barely get any interaction regarding her prior to the release of RE4R and when im deep into the hyperfixation i don't care much for feedback, I just create. Like. I guess multiple chapters beyond the 10K threshold are proof of that, looking back i had to be insane to be in it that deep. i remember being like "OMG 180 HITS BETWEEN CHAPTERS THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!" on ao3! 😭 the lack of interest gets to a writer, eventually, i guess, you just want the readers to show they're enjoying to work or not in some way. But the reminder that (some of, at least) my followers follow me for Vera is extremely consoling, thank you so much!

I'm so happy that you like Vera! It's very humbling to hear she as a Turkish woman is resonating with you, I never thought about having any Turkish readers at all when I was working on her... I always thought if I had, would it be cringy or not.

Because us as people really have an inferiority complex and are too self-conscious regarding these things, I remember how literally all of my Turkish writer friends (every single one of them) thought a Turkish main character would be EMBARRASSING in any fandom we would write for. We hated it, and everybody and their other writer friends also did. The idea of a Turkish character was cringy. But when other foreign writers would write Turkish OCs suddenly it was so cool and "AS BAYRAKLARI" .

I had a couple Filipino friends on wattpad who would write Filipino OCs and be so proud of their heritage and how they were incorporating it into the story, like, for example, I had a friend who re-designed and rebranded the planet Alderaan from Star Wars using their culture because the actress who played the queen was Filipino and she was so happy about it. It was so fascinating to me how she genuinely did something so creative and made it work so well. Another Filipino friend did this for Stranger Things, and in the heart of her story was immigrant struggles.

I never really questioned why Turkish people couldn't be like this until I was working on Vera, and her being Turkish started out as a joke. I wanted to immediately scrap it, thinking "no lmao what the fuck of course not" .

If another person did this, I would eat !! it !! up!!

But when I seriously wanted to make her Turkish it was suddenly embarrassing. It was a hard thing to get over. English fanfic reading really wires our brains to accept characters only of foreign nationalities and ethnicities because "it fits the story better" -- we only consume western media and hold it in higher regard.

I understand you so well, and I'm so glad I'm somehow encouraging you on this matter. Because why are we so embarrassed of ourselves?

Thank you for this ask, it really meant a lot to hear all of this! and I'm sorry I really went off on a tangent 😭

[rae-reblogs]

❝ [ RAINA ] ❞ › ♡ / whb mc

❝ i was wondering, could i ask you some doubts of mine? ❞

❝ it isn't like i asked to be here in the first place. at least i should make the best of it, right? ❞

🖇 ꒱ PERSONAL INFORMATION

name: raina

namesake: "queen" and "wise guardian"

nicknames: reina, rai

birthday: 27th december

zodiac: capricorn

age: 19 years old

mbti: intp/intj

gender: non-binary (she/they)

sexuality: pansexual/asexual (still questioning)

idiosyncrasy: hierophilia

religion: agnostic

🖇 ꒱ PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION

height: 177cm / 5′ 9.7″

weight: 69kg

hair color: brunette (sandy brown)

eye color: green (jade)

🖇 ꒱ PROFESSIONAL INFORMATION

occupation: university student, librarian

🖇 ꒱ EXTRA

confidence point: eyes

likes: music, books and cats

dislikes: hateful acts to animals and children

favorite food: dark coffee

favorite accessorie: a pin in the shape of a half moon made of silver

hobby: listening to music and searching for more knowledge

ideal type: doesn't have one

🖇 ꒱ RELATIONSHIPS

family: deceased parents, minhyeok (and his own family)

🖇 ꒱ APPEARANCE

raina is a young woman with light brown hair that's waist-length and wavy when closer to the ends; she tends to leave it loose, although sometimes she puts it up in a regular braid. her eyes are green, usually relaxed. her facial expression tends to be what is known as the "resting bitch face."

when we're talking about outfits, she tends to choose simple but elegant clothes; like white shirts, black or brown skirts, dark loafers, and so on. she doesn't usually wear anything very ostentatious.

🖇 ꒱ PERSONALITY

raina is laid-back, someone with a calm nature who doesn't get upset or angry easily, or so she wants to think. she has her moments of anger, but they are sporadic; normally being in a rest mode, so to speak.

she isn't very social, preferring to be at home whenever she can. she's, quite simply, introverted and reserved. she has a hard time understanding social cues and that's why she only has minhyeok as a friend.

she's someone intelligent who likes to learn about any topic that may interest her, tending to be taboo topics in society. such as crimes, sexual themes, etc.

🖇 ꒱ TRIVIA

—she's kind of lazy most of the time, always complaining about having to do things yet always doing it. this, plus adding her procrastination, leaves her like quite the slothfull one.

—her favorite color is purple, more specifically lavender and periwinkle.

—she studied at a nuns' school, which ended up with her learning about the subjects of the catholic religion, angels, and demons. this also led her to not get along with many of the other students.

—the other part of her pin belongs to minhyeon, who has a pin in the shape of the sun made of gold. it's like their own friendship bracelet, but it's a pin instead of a bracelet.

—she likes reading, that's why she decided to accept the job in a library when she was given the opportunity. her favorite genres are thriller and horror.

—she has been interested in the topic of sexuality since she was little, despite never having been interested in doing the act itself with someone.

—she likes to cook, especially baking. but, only when all the ingredients are in the kitchen, if one is missing she refuses to buy it or make something else.

—she loves to listen to music, almost always having it playing in the background while she does something else. her favorite genres are pop and rock.

—she knows three languages (english, spanish, and korean), and she wants to learn a couple more.

—her curiosity knows no extent, especially when her current hyperfixations are involved in the matter. she has no problem with questioning anyone about anything she may find interesting.

[anonymousandsick]

List of things that I've done as someone with depression, general and social anxiety, and autism (TW for basically everything):

-Stalked my friends social media accounts to see who they were being tagged by and how often they hung out without me or were online without answering

-Bought and made a lot of different things for people because I thought they were going to leave me

-Missed a lot of work and school due to severe nausea, headaches, and lack of motivation

-Sometimes take hot/freezing showers that are painful

-Gave myself several piercings as a form of socially acceptable self harm (this is not automatically self harm, but that was my intention when doing it)

-Worked on something I was hyperfixated on until I threw up from hunger

-Used to not brush my hair for months and just wear it up and cry when I had to eventually brush it (when I was a child and had long hair)

-Cried or yelled while trying on uncomfortable clothes

-Went about two months without showering

-Went about two months without changing clothes

-Didn't eat anything but snacks for over a week several different times because I didn't have the energy to make anything

-Didn't eat anything for days because I felt so sick

-Threw up from anxiety several times

-Didn't leave the house for months and stayed in my room unless I had to go to the bathroom or grab food to take back with me

-Had several visible panic attacks in public

-Went (actually) nonverbal at several places like arcades and other loud places

-Dissociate at most public places (I remember things but everything gets fuzzy and it's hard to describe)

-Hit myself in the head because of Emotions (didn't matter if they were positive or negative)

-Laughed at very inappropriate times- especially when something was upsetting

-Started arguments because I didn't understand that the person wasn't being serious/misinterpreted tone

-Got people mad at me for talking about the same things too much

-Spent way too much money on things I liked multiple times

-Sleep either all day or not at all

-Had trash pile up in my room

-Got ants from this

-Almost cry any time I do something wrong or get criticized

-Haven't learned how to drive

-Cried and hit myself out of frustration over sensory issues and also over losing something I really cared about for five minutes

-Never try anything new

-Insanely picky

-Pick at my skin all the time

-Would probably be described by people as childish and immature even though I used to be considered mature for my age as a child

-Permanent burnout and art block

-Have gone weeks without shaving my face even though it looks really bad

-Talk too loud or quiet a lot of the time

-Used to be very bad at being discreet and masking

-Thinking about the way I used to act and all the cues I missed and different things I misinterpreted makes me feel sick and now I constantly think about it and what I'm supposed to be behaving like

-I still don't understand most social rules

-I can't make any decisions and it has ruined my life

-Memory has gotten very bad

-Got confused about whether something was a thought, dream, memory, or recent event a concerning amount of times

-Frequently lose track of time, sequence of events, and relativety of things

-Can't talk whenever I think about telling someone that something's wrong

-Feel incapable of sharing or expressing certain feelings and thoughts

-Frequently feel like I can't talk and only make humming noises in response to things

-Procrastinate most things regardless of whether I want to do them or not

-Constantly think about what other people are thinking and avoid being perceived while also being depressed that I'll never amount to anything and I'll die a nobody

-Ran out of clean underwear and flipped them inside out because I couldn't get myself to do laundry

-Watched a TV show I was hyperfixated on until my ears started ringing and I felt like I was going to pass out from not sleeping

-Didn't brush my teeth until they became uncomfortable (somehow didn't get a cavity??)

-Purposefully sought out sensory things that are painful to me as a form of self harm

-Get tunnel vision any time someone I don't know talks to me or when expected to do something (answer a question, do a task, whatever)

-Had sensory issues completely ruin multiple different experiences that would've otherwise been great

-Constantly experience such bad chest pain and anxiety that it feels like a heart condition

-Get frequent pain in my jaw, shoulders, and back from tensing

-Sought out validation from the wrong people/doing the wrong things multiple times

-Lied to people to get out of doing things or going places

-Made jokes that went too far/hurt people's feelings without realizing until much later

-Have a hard time apologizing to people (this is something that I NEED to work on, I understand)

-Used to literally hide in my closet

-I have trauma dumped on people without thinking about the consequences or how it would affect them

-I have had one-sided conversations where I overtook, talking about my hyperfixations and not realizing that I wasn't letting them talk

-I have reached out to people after months of ghosting them due to guilt, not realizing that doing so would actually just make it worse for them

-Got told multiple times that I'm rude and sound like a robot and still don't understand how

-Didn't go to college even though it's what I've always wanted to do

-Cried out of frustration for people not understanding me multiple times

-Overshared with multiple people because I didn't understand boundaries or appropriate topics until way later than most people (I still get it wrong sometimes)

-Spend most of my time being unproductive and just consuming whatever content I am hyperfixated on, fantasizing about being a part of it, etc.

-Lost my job

-Ghosted my therapist

-Almost threw up washing dishes

-Didn't change my sheets for six months

-Didn't do any laundry besides underwear for almost a year

-Ran out of room for anything because I collected too many things

-Cried in public multiple times

-Ruined multiple different relationships by not communicating enough

-Basically ghosted multiple people

-Broke up with several people after severe depressive episodes and not communicating or reciprocating any affection (not an excuse)

-Acted "weird" in a way that annoyed people, got me bullied, and made them dislike me

-Looked through different things on the Internet to make myself feel bad (stuff about death, mental illness, bigotry, etc)

-Had imaginary friends when I was younger whose sole purpose was to ridicule me and make me feel bad about myself 

-Had imaginary friends who were just characters from things that I liked and I had a lot of conversations with them when I was past the age that people usually do that

-Avoided my friends for weeks and sat alone at school

-Made a lot of concerning jokes that I regret making because it just made people feel bad

-Clung to multiple different friendships that weren't good for me because I didn't have any other friends

-Missed when people I knew were being fake friendly and was called the gullible friend

-Gave up on most things that I wanted to do

-Gave up on anything I wasn't immediately good at

-Missed most opportunities in my life

-Became full of regret and gave up on life as a teenager

-Was terrified of becoming homeless due to an inability to work and keep a job by the time I was in high school

-Was terrified of living through different life transitions by the time I was in middle school to the point where I hoped I'd die before they happened

-Thought I was going insane multiple times

-Became restless for no reason and felt like I was going to explode but had no way of making it go away

-Thought I needed to go to a mental hospital multiple times

-Thought about doing drugs and drinking frequently

-Fantasized about different ways to die

-Made myself throw up a few times

-Gave myself bruises

-Almost broke a bone by hitting it repeatedly (including one time when I had to use crutches)

-Gave myself hundreds of scars in several different places

-Painted with my blood because I thought it was funny in a very morbid and fucked up way

-Tried to kill myself multiple different times

Before you comment something stupid like "ew doing x is gross/bad" just know that I am aware and that is kind of the point of the post.

[psyoniks]

Fankids rant

When the brain hyperfixes on your own characters

This is just a bunch of stuff thrown together about my fankids.

None of this is going to be organized.

----

(I just realized the photos might be out of order so for reference Casy is the one with black hair and Cain is the one with blonde)

My fankids are Casy(pronounced cai-see[Casey] instead of cas-sie because cannon hates me), Garcia and Cain Carter.

In the beta timeline, Cain is Casy's gurdian as his older cousin and vice verse in the alpha timeline.

They're both half-mexican, i don't know why they have different last names.

Casy Garcia 13(at the start of sburb), 16(current) He/they Unlabeled 5'1

Here's an old-ish intro:

ENTER NAME

Your name is CASEY. But for the sake of cannon you begrudgingly also accept CASY. Screw the e. Is it now CAS-E or CA-SY? This is an incredible miniscule and dumb thing to be thinking about but it still bothers you anyways. For clarification it's pronounced CAES-E. Long A sound. CAY-SEE. That's not a long a sound is it?

It is nowhere NEAR your BIRTHDAY, nor do you really CARE. It's too far away to even being thinking about.

There's nothing particularly interesting going on in this moment. Then again you are completely FINE with nothing interesting happening. You like doing absolutely JACK SHIT and wasting your time doing NOTHING. It's practically the same thing.

Your interests include a variety of POCKET-MONSTER FRANCHISES such as POKÉMON, BAKUGAN and DIGIMON. If someone mentions how much better DIGIMON is than POKÉMON then you are promptly, going lose your mind. It's simply NOT TRUE.

Of course you have more INTERESTS than just those things. You aren't a complete LOSER. Yeah you're not fooling yourself either. You spend ample amount of time DRAWING, even if you claim that you're not very good at it. It's a work in progress. You also like SLEEPING. Who the hell doesn't. This is how much of a LOSER that you are. You don't even have enough interests to make this interesting.

You have an APPRECIATION for most things in the EARLY 2010's. INCLUDING but not limited to, WEB-COMICS, CREEPYPASTAS and other things you can't be bothered to recall. WARRIOR CATS is also one of them and you SHAMELESSLY will not admit that you may or may not ROLEPLAY as said WARRIOR CATS. You warily kick back your metaphorical drawings of you ocs under your metaphorical bed. No one needed to know this.

Just recently you've ASENDED the peak of being a LOSER and got yourself interested in the HORRORS any sane person calls D&D. Do you understand any of it? Hell no but it's cool as hell. This is why you have no irl friends.

You have a INCREDIBLY ANNOYING HABBIT that's called PROCRASTINATION. There's many ways you could get around this issue, but you don't really feel like it. Ironic.

What will you probably not do?

---

Your pesterchum handle is [AA] apprehensiveAnomaly and you type with all lower case, making sure to end each sentence with a period for punctuality. You have no idea if you used that word right, but it sounds cool so you don't bother to fix it.

Your STRIFE SPECUIBUS is Yo-yo kind, showing off the one sick yo-yo move you know how to do. Most of the time you just end up with a tangled up yo-yo though.

--

Casy dreams on Derse and is a Mage of Mind.

TrollAu: He's a gold blood with a more neon purple and yellow for his color scheme. Only his psyonics works in one of his eyes, the left one which is purple. The other is just yellow.

---

Okay that's enough about him now onto Cain.

Cain Carter 16(current) He/him Gay 5'6

I don't have a lot for him yet but I have a half finished intro:

You speak often with 80s SLANG. Why? Because it's RADICAL. Much to the dismay of EVERYONE AROUND YOU.

You enjoy PLAYING BASKETBALL as a choice of SPORT. But RECENTLY, you've been unable to play due to AN UNFORTUNATE EVENT of you THROWING your BALL at a WINDOW in ANGER. Causing the WINDOW to shatter and your BALL deflate in DEFEAT.

You also have a SECRECT HOBBY, not even your closest friends know about. You SECRECTLY enjoy playing D&D. But you wouldn't tell anyone that. You don't want to be seen as a NERD. Imagine that.

Your PESTERCHUM HANDLE IS [AA]abstractedAdversary. Thank goodness none of your friends have the same abrievation otherwise that would get confusing fast.

Your STRIFE SPESIBUS is BatKind. Even though...you don't play baseball? Where did this come from? Must've belonged to your OLDER COUSIN. Oh well, now it's yours.

--- Cain dreams on Prospit(is that even allowed? Can like the ectobio relatives dream on different moons? Idfk) and is a Heir of Heart

If he was a troll he'd be a Bronze blood hiding as a Fushia. I don't know how but he'd figure it out how to pull it off. Why would he try and disguise himself as a troll where's there only one living at a time? No idea, it's Cain.

---

um i think thats mostly everything so heres so random pesterlogs

[rum-and-shattered-dreams]

A rant of personal experiences and trying to do something positive with them:

Okay so procrastination is a huge thing in ADHD. Same with memory issues. (Not that these are always present and maybe some people experience both without being ADHD).

So. Here’s an experience I’m just now (at almost 40) realizing was a thing:

Imagine a huge essay/report/project requiring a lot of research and several sources was due in a few weeks. The advice was always to break it down, take notes, and make an outline. It made perfect sense. And maybe it does help some or even most people.

But for some, like me, it was still impossibly overwhelming and breaking it down was worse. The project was often boring (especially if I had to ignore a hyperfixation to work on it) and even if it wasn’t, it still felt like A LOT when my brain was full of TV static and my memory was shit.

It takes a ton of repetition for me to even temporarily remember something and even then, it will likely be gone again in a few days. UNLESS I learn by actually doing something or figuring it out for myself. And my brain gaslights itself like “do I remember that right? No that can’t be right. Let me look it up for the 100th time to make sure.” And I’m WAY more likely to remember concepts or physical processes but completely forget the terms for them or names of things or important dates EVEN FOR MY HYPERFIXATIONS, damnit... Like, I can do a bunch of crafty stuff and even remember some common terms and items but not the less common fabrics or stitch types or tool names. (Yet somehow I could remember the exact location of hundreds of thousands of items of inventory at my craft store job... even if I didn’t know what they were called. But I stocked them and had physical contact with them so I could picture where they were.) The number one overwhelming thing for me about trying to be a pro at anything is trying to remember terms so it sounds like I know what I’m talking about.

Anyway...

Without acknowledging that, I ended up wasting time by trying to schedule research/work in small chunks because every time I stopped then tried to start again, I wouldn’t remember what I did or looked at last time. (Can I also add that this is why being interrupted is infuriating for me? It probably seems irrational to other people but it’s so hard to get focused on something and now my train of thought is derailed, passengers are dead and injured, and it’s going to take who knows how long to revive the survivors?) And maybe that wasn’t so bad the first time because I’d only have to reread one page of notes. But then it would happen a few more times and my focus would be blurred and I’d repeated myself multiple times in the notes and they’d become a mess and look horrible which was distracting and I’d feel overwhelmed by having to reread and now rewrite several pages and focus would be even worse because I did remember some bits and blanked out while looking at those then stay blanked out then I’d have to reread again to catch the parts I didn’t remember.

But.

If I waited until the last minute, when the consequence/reward system overrode how overwhelming or boring the project was, I could burn through it because I was in constant contact with the material and it was all currently on my mind and I could skip writing notes and an outline and go straight to a fairly decent flow-state draft then keep going through revisions and editing all without forgetting WTF I’d researched. And it would be done in so so so much less time with a lot less effort and frustration.

And...

AND

And then there’s the schedule thing and why it DOES NOT WORK for me. If I schedule doing something (or even if someone suddenly wants me to do something right now) and my brain is like, “nah sorry, just static right now,” there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make it work and I’m just going to get frustrated and tired and depressed and discouraged. But if I keep a loose list of things that need to get done and indicate which are priorities, I can look at it and say “yeah. This one seems doable right now.” No I’m not going to get up and vacuum that spot of cat litter at this exact moment but it’s a good idea to do it soon so I’ll add vacuum to the list and probably get it done later the same day. If the cat throws up, that is an immediate priority so I will get up and make sure they’re okay and clean it because my brain does actually recognize things like that as super important. If a bill arrives in the mail, I’ll stop and pay it right away because I know I don’t have to think/worry about it again if I do. But what sucks about that is that society wants and often understandably needs people to work on a schedule. And I just... can’t.

But I’m trying to take this knowledge and apply it, trying to accept that this is how I function. I function based on a system of priorities that get done in order of “absolutely must be done right this second, whether for my own reasons or outside reasons, even if I need to drop other things” to “this is what I CAN do right now.” Not something pre-scheduled. If I need to leave something to the last minute then I’m just going to accept that that’s how it’s going to be and that’s okay. Then I can free up energy and space to do other things in the meantime rather than worry and be anxious and beat myself up because I should be doing the thing and end up hating things I like doing because they’re not what I should be doing and now there’s a negative association with them. No. Screw that. If all I can do today is play a video game then fine. Gonna enjoy it. Because I now know for a fact, from years of experience, that I will do the important things. They just need to wait until I’m capable of doing them. And... if I let myself stop worrying about old WIPs... They get done eventually too. It might take a few years but as long as I don’t actually decide not to do them, they will get done.

All that said... I still want to look into meds because it would be nice to have more of an ability to focus more regularly. I just need to clear up some other medical stuff first and I’ve got appointments already set up for that.

One more thing... I f$&#ing hate the attitude teachers have about doodling in class. It was literally the only way I could focus during lectures and remember anything they were talking about. I could look at what I drew and remember what was being said while I drew it. F$&% every teacher who took away my notebooks or yelled at me for it. Without it, I’d zone out completely. And THANK YOU to the art history teacher and biology teachers I had who not only understood but encouraged it and actually helped me direct it toward the subject matter by suggesting drawing thumbnails of the art or cell structure or anatomy.

[holymolypestoaioli]

hello I am accepting rosenali and gottrosenali prompts (sorry I can only hyperfixate on one thing at a time)

please do send them in, I would love to keep procrastinating

[plasticnightmaredoll]

mini rant

I just need to get this out because I don’t really have anyone else to talk to without bothering/burdening/smothering them. I also don’t want to go to counseling anymore because it wasn’t doing enough for me.

Anyway, without giving too much detail and trying to be direct while being indirect:

Some people may wonder why I can tolerate Arkhamverse Riddler, especially in Arkham Knight, because he can be very obnoxious. Well, short story is, I totally get where he’s coming from. He grew up with an unloving, abusive parent (his father), which left him deeply insecure, unable to form meaningful relationships, and caused him to become anti-social and immature. 

I don’t think it was just one instance of his father abusing him, either, which is the only “solid” evidence we get in the Aslyum tapes. I mean, I’ve been through it, I definitely have a lot of the same issues (minus the violent tendencies and need to insult everyone), and there’s no way one singular instance would result in such neurotic behavior -- especially this long-lasting. 

I check a lot of the same boxes as Arkhamverse Riddler:

Extremely poor social skills

Inability to form healthy, lasting relationships

Childish mentality (Although, Arkhamverse Eddie is way worse in this regard)

Deeply insecure (he tries to hide it, and I don’t)

Need for approval and recognition after being denied both for so long. 

He was bullied (sadly, I can’t picture him NOT being bullied in school), and while I wasn’t bullied much at all, I did get ignored a lot by my peers and could never relate to them. So, there is this lack of trust in others and paranoia. Pretty sure Arkhamverse Edward has serious trust issues, and being outed by his peers growing up would most likely contribute to this.

Valuing inanimate objects over people. I mean, come on. Eddie loves his tech more than he loves anyone, and I pretty much coddle my collectibles and gaming PC. A serious lack of emotional connection to people has always been there.

Bitter and petty behavior; unable to let grudges go.

A need to be perfect and superior in every way even though it’s not possible, but the mental need to obtain the unobtainable is too great.

Easily overwhelmed and agitated

Desperate need for control and order. Chaos and anything out of the ordinary routine can be extremely upsetting.

Obsessive behavior/OCD, hyperfixation on certain things (which is why I seriously wonder if I have some form of Autism. No, really, I do have some of the behaviors)

Also like Arkhamverse Eddie, I’m just as terrible at being in control of my life and acting like a proper adult. I focus on the wrong things, get confused and overwhelmed easily, am terrified to confront my fears and often procrastinate doing key tasks, and I have a hell of a time forming friendships (don’t even get me started on romantic relationships). I don’t accept failure, either, and it’s usually much more traumatic for me emotionally than it should be.

I really get the need to feel validated, which is what Arkhamverse Edward truly seeks, I think (or it’s one of the top things that he seeks). When you’ve been undermined, let down, lied to, abused, ignored, overwhelmed, denied, belittled, and used so often in life, you feel...well, you feel worthless, you feel like you don’t exist, and when you do feel like you exist, it’s when you do something wrong. 

I’m 34 years old, and I endured emotional and verbal abuse for 2/3rds of my life. And it’s still not much better even now. I’m tired. I’m really, really tired. Maybe I deserve this misery for being a petty bitch with random moments of egocentrism and materialistic obsessions. I don’t know. I want a break, need a break, want to go live somewhere isolated and be a hermit, only going out when I absolutely have to and pretending the world doesn’t exist. 

Seriously, if I could obtain this “dream goal” right now, I’d fucking take it. I’d be like, “Bye, I’m done, don’t speak to me or my pets every again” then gone. Sure, it doesn’t fix any of my mental health problems, but so far, I haven’t been able to “recover,” and perhaps I can’t or maybe I just don’t want to because it’s exhausting to have to face problems upfront with no real backup.

Anyway, that’s enough of that. Off to continue living this ridiculous life I have created(?) for myself.

[matildaisautisticandproud]

April 13th - 30 Days of Autism Acceptance

April 13: What kind of things do you have trouble with as an autistic person? Why do you think you have trouble with it? What helps?

I mainly struggle with stimuli, social communication, coping with change, understanding emotions and people, executive dysfunction, inattentiveness, and auditory processing.

Often times, especially so when noise is involved, I get overwhelmed and go into what’s known as sensory overload. If I do not want to burden the people around me, I just grin and bear it no matter how much I want to break down in tears and run out of the room. My anxiety trumps the urge. I know that a common characteristic of autism is sensory difficulties so, that’s probably why I experience this. So far, I’ve found stimming to be a good soother, but I haven’t really found any good ways to cope. Listening to music doesn’t help at all when it comes to auditory stimulus; if anything, it makes things worse because it’s added noise.

My previous post talked about my struggles with social communication.

When changes occur, I often times freak out, even if it’s my fault for the change (i.e. I choose to wake up a little later). Also, I don’t understand why things have to change, even if someone has explained it to me multiple times. I haven’t really found a good coping mechanism for this yet. I just have to cry the stress out, I guess?

Okay, this is a major issue that I have many examples of. One thing that happened recently was when I was out with my family and my aunt started crying. Let’s just say, I’m glad neither she nor her daughter were around to hear what I said. Since I couldn’t understand why she was bawling even after my father tried explaining it me, I got defensive. I internalize all my emotions until I just can’t so, I further don’t understand why people can’t just suck it up. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s just my thought process. When my mother found out that I had found it ridiculous that she was making such a scene, she flipped, but my father didn’t; he was actually sympathizing with me because I was what he called “just socially awkward”. Additionally, when friends cry I try my best to ignore it or pretend I didn’t notice. I don’t know how to deal with it so, I get really anxious, and since I am really sensitive to others’ emotions, I get overwhelmed. It’s bad, I know, but I do eventually decide to help the best I can. Which I’m certainly no good at consoling people.

Still on the same subject, I struggle to understand differences when it comes to people. I don’t know why people can’t do things my way. This is especially so when it comes to idiots like those who decide to refuse to abide by the social distancing guidelines. I just can’t fully grasp the fact that people are different. That’s sounds terrible, but I don’t act rude because of it.

Now, I have both ADHD-C and ASD Level 1 so, that’s probably why I struggle so much with not being able to manage my time and do things on my own. It’s physically painful to force myself to do things sometimes, even basic things like taking care of myself. Plus, since I am what’s known as time blind, I don’t get much done and often times am scrambling to finish class assignments and other stuff. I get a lot of things done last minute and am a major procrastinator. As of now, I have had to make myself a schedule to make sure I do all my coursework.

With ADHD-C, most struggle with paying attention. Now, I can force myself to pay attention sometimes, but lots of times I find myself getting distracted by literally everything. A quick search on how to spell a certain word could end up with me spending four hours scrolling through Pinterest. Also, a run to grab something from my room can turn into hours of me switching from task to task. I’ve even gotten distracted while I was just in the bathroom, and once spent a hour in there having my attention stolen by own thoughts and the things in the room. On the other hand, I can spend hours focusing on one thing and not get distracted what so ever. This is called hyperfocusing/hyperfixation. I don’t really have much of a method to combat this yet.

Along side ADHD-C and ASD, I have been diagnosed with what is known as (Central) Auditory Processing Disorder or (C)APD. The “C” is in parenthesis because I’ve seen it called CAPD and just APD. Basically, it means that I struggle to understand what people are saying when other noise is present. This is very evident when I listen to songs; half the time I don’t know what the singers are actually saying, even if the backing track is on the quieter side. It just sounds like gibberish. Another specific thing I struggle with is understanding what people are saying while chanting in movies and such. It just sounds like shouted garbled gibberish. I know that they’re speaking English, but my brain just can’t seem to pick out what exactly they’re saying. This difficulty not only pertains to medias; it’s also hard for me to understand people when they’re just speaking to me face-to-face. To cope with this, I heavily rely on closed captioning and asking people to repeat themselves. Sometimes I give up on asking people to repeat what they’ve said and just read their expression to figure out how I should respond.

Welp, I think I’ll end this here. Happy Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month! :)

[guinevere01]

[ID: an illustrated circular flow chart of the ADHD burnout cycle, featuring art of a humanoid alien. The cycle goes from Hyperfixation, to Routine and Procrastination, to Self Medicating, to Guilt and Neglect, to Paralysis, to Quitting, and back to Hyperfixation. In the center is a heart showing the nervous looking alien together with an older alien, text reads: Getting help breaks the cycle! Each point in the cycle has an illustration, a bullet poiny list of facts about/signs of the state, and tips for when you're in the state, as well as, in some cases, advice for others. The following images are close ups of each of the sections.

Hyperfixation:

Hyped to work.

Piles on more work cause it's going well!

Tip - Learn to say "No".

Don't squeeze in more work because it's going well.

Take time off work, even if it's fun.

Art: Determined and smiling, with hands on hips.

Routine and Procrastination:

Hype fades and tasks become boring.

Procrastinates.

Starts missing deadlines.

Starts talking about switching jobs even though everything is going well.

Tip - Make it interesting:

Ask the other for closer deadlines.

Ask if switching tasks is possible.

Switch chores every week. Incorporate your special interest.

Pomodoro challenge yourself.

Tips for others:

Start the tasks with them and let them continue

Art: Defeated, with chin on hand.

Self Medicating:

Consumes more coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, does more planning or workouts.

Starts being overenthusiastic about overworking.

Starts neglecting other areas in life to meet deadlines.

Stops accepting invites and going out.

(caps, in quotes) "I got this if I just try harder!"

Tip - Plan in self-care time:

Plan your day - plan breaks!

Ask a friend to be a body double.

Pomodoro everything.

Consider ADHD medication.

Sharing tasks is okay!

Tips for others:

Are their goals overambitious?

Praise them for taking breaks.

Art: Smirking and drinking coffee.

Guilt and Neglect:

Guilty about neglected chores.

Tasks are one big overwhelming mess.

Feels guilty when resting.

Starts blaming self/others.

Hard to get a hold of, stops answering.

Might joke more to mask.

Appearance and health routine suffers.

Tip - Don't neglect yourself:

Take dedicated "no work" time.

Don't beat yourself up, it only makes you feel worse and less productive.

Write down 3 most important tasks and work from there each day.

Tips for others - Offer help, example sentences:

"Come to my house friday, let's do yoga!"

"Should we do laundry together?"

"I'll bring food, you want veggies?"

"Yo, let me see what you're stuck with, talk it through with me."

Art: Overwhelmed, sitting at a messy desk.

Paralysis:

Overworked and ashamed.

Amount of jokes is through the roof.

Bad sleep, can't relax.

Has completely hidden away from friends.

Starts to doubt self in all areas of life, (quote) "If I can't even do this, how can I [blank]".

Hasn't showered - neglects self care.

Talks about quitting job / dropping out / moving out.

Tip - Stop the self beating:

You've done all you could. Really.

You have a neurological disorder.

No judgements. What do you want?

Do you need to shower?

Vent to a friend.

Tips for others:

Break tasks into doable chunks.

Give lots of love and support.

Art: Trembling and hugging knees.

Quitting:

Abandons goal / drops out / quits.

Huge weight is lifted from shoulders.

Shame of powerlessness lingers.

Pretends choice was out of choice to hide (quotes) "failing".

Changes careers.

Feels like a fraud.

Tip - Prevent the next cycle:

Arrange for therapy, medication, coaching or a support group.

Don't ignore the symptoms just because it's not urgent now.

Every ADHD coping strategy gives you power.

Tips for others:

Accept that nothing more could have been done.

Tips for others - Absolutely don't say:

"Why didn't you [blank]?"

"But [blank] could do it, why can't you?"

"You shouldn't have been so lazy."

"You just have to apply yourself."

Art: Defeated, walking through a door. /ED]

My totally unscientific explanation of why I quit everything I start and how everything gets too overwhelming.

Big resolution image here

[midoriyasbones]

tagged by @belovedsheith and @pomilomi (thank you!!!! ILY LOTS AND LOTS)

How did you discover the show?

my friend was talking about it so i gave it a go!! i think i first watched it in like august and didn’t get that into it, but then in november i was procrastinating doing my fucking finals studying so i watched it again and really liked it and boom... it’s been lit ever since.

Was it love at first sight did it take you a while to get into the show?

nope! at first i just ehhhh didnt like how long the first episode was (adhd lizard brain)... but it was better after that so

Do you have a favorite episode?

which one has the ‘we are a good team’ becasue YEAHHHH

Do you have a favorite Paladin?

lance and keith (i can’t choose)!!

for lance, he’s a sanguine bitch, im a sanguine bitch, he acts like he might have adhd... I HAVE ADHD... he’s a dork and i relate a lot to his insecurities and his problems!! i too want desperately to be liked and for my actions to have valid but im always falling short, im always disappointing people. and how lance lights up when he’s praised??? me too bitch!!!

for keith, 1) hi have you seen keith, 2) i can relate a lot to not having people believe in you and thinking you always have to do things on your own. i struggle a lot with accepting help when it’s offered and i’ve always felt out of place, set apart, different. i just relate a lot to him in that way. but i dont think keith wants to truly want to be alone, just like i truly dont want to be alone, we both just... struggle with people... and our emotions.

Do you have a favorite Lion? (If it’s different from your fav Paladin, why?)

black!! because it’s the titties of voltron if you think about it

Do you have a favorite Villain?

does haggar’s nanny cam count??

Do you have a favorite Alien Race? (Recurring and/or minor)

either altean or galra... i want to know so much about their cultures and people and history you have no idea im a SLUT for lore

Favorite side / other character(s)- Rebels, Generals, Blade of Marmora, Garrison, etc?

krolia. haven’t even fully met her yet and i want her to shoot me.

also matthew holt if oNLY  bc his shitpost personality was EXACTLY what the fandom predicted it would be and that will never not be funny

How/Why did you join the fandom?

hyperfixation!

Care to share your favorite headcanon?

adhd lance!!!!!!!!! also, copiloting laith!!!!!! (call em team steam)

What do you think is the best part of the show?

the interesting characters!! i really hope they answer a lot of questions about them in these next few season bc vld im starving please feed me

Any hopes and wishes for future episodes / seasons?

keith struggling to forgive his mom for abandoning him. even if she had a good reason... she still left him and he probably won’t just forgive her right away. that’s a really good way for us to really pry some more emotions out of keith. let him cry dreamworks!! let him cry!!!

keith confiding more in the team (especially on the issue above!!) because maybe he doesn’t truly have a birth family, but sometimes the family you create with your friends is way better than what you’re born with SO

keith either returning to the black lion or the red lion. i think he was really coming into his own there for that entire one episode. i just... want to see him mature and grow into a leader and have a mutual bond of trust between him and the team.

KEITH LAUGHING!!! LET KEITH LAUGH GODDAMNIT

keith and lance’s relationship growing and maturing into a dynamic partnership and friendship!! i think they’d be a great duo both on the battlefield and off it. they’re impulsive and competitive and akdjfsakdjfh i love them a whole hell of a lot!!

Do you think you’ll stick it out until the end of the show?

i hope so?? if nothing better comes along i will, but i’ve debated leaving multiple times already just bc of the fandom ://

Tag your friends or someone you want to get to know better

@cubanbisexuallance @daddyroboarm @caseydambro @saltyshiro @dorkindistress @lvtvr @reclpaladin @breeeliss @starryskeith @artemispidge @sniperlance @historytwink @justpidgance and anyone else who wants to do it really!!! also no pressure to do it if i did tag you akdsjhfaksjhdf

[genshin-age-regression]

Update!

hi everyone!! i’m sorry we’ve been getting like. nothing done on this account- we’ve been dealing with difficulties both within our house/family and our friend group, as well as throughout our system with the changing of hosts and such- but i’m here with an update for you all! we’re going to be clearing out our inbox, as we have a good 30+ requests in there for the time being. we’ll be accepting more, but only around 5! as a general thing, we also find it much easier to write headcanons based on fictives of ours, so please keep that in mind if you’re making a request! that isn’t to say that we absolutely won’t do the request otherwise, but that we very well may procrastinate when it comes to writing it.

on another note, we’re planning on possibly making a series of genshin-based oneshots on ao3! there’s almost nothing for genshin in the realm of age regression, so we’ll be changing that! it might not update often, as our updates usually reflect our hyperfixations, but we’ll do our best.

tldr; we’re clearing out our inbox and starting fresh, and we’ll be taking up to around 5 requests for now.

- vivi/kaeya

[spikedfanta]

over the garden wall

i suppose i had a moment of clarity of sorts. and i just want to express it before it goes away.

1) we are all on our own path

despite knowing there is no point comparing myself to others, thinking about their paths and how i need to do what they are doing to get to the future i think i want - i still do it. i self sabotage by spending my time thinking about what they're doing while consequently feeling bad about the fact that i am not doing anything. i wonder if this root of procrastination comes from my brain just being very fearful of doing work (and also the fact that i haven't been able to do anything for a month) and what i am even going to do in the time i 'wasted'. and from the self hatred of not being able to do the work and then latching onto how much others have achieved. but perhaps i will never be able to get any work done with this hyperfixation and comparison.

but. a) we literally all are on our own path. and i don't want my path to be thinking about others paths. there is a world expanding around me and i don't wanna miss it. i can be in tune with this world. i will allocate 15 minutes a night to self doubt. and when it comes i will remember, i can eat this fear up. i have done it before and i can do it again. b) time is time. time is a moment i spent living. time is me in my house enjoying being here, watching tv shows i like, spending a summer vacation, making clouds and paintings. now time can be doing things that fulfill me, consistently, till my submission. there is no wasted time.

2) consistency and faith

i also had a bit of a moment of clarity where i remembered or realised what this project is about. consistency and doing things every day. the process. spending time on that process. learning how i work. and for that i will have to fail, fail, fail. for that. but if i can write a blog every day recording what worked and didn't work, isn't that great? fearful of doing the 'wrong' thing the 'right' thing... what if i just did things and see what happens?

mindfulness. is the crux of it all. wasn't the point to just be very very very mindful, and live in the moment, as an experiment? why did it end? it must continue. i can use spikedfanta to brain dump and on the blog, make more well thought out posts.

3) adhd

to solve this, to accept this, i need routine. i liked waking up early (by 7), doing a yoga workout, some strength stretches, meditating, hopping into the shower and being mindful throughout. and then sitting down and just 'starting'. and see what happens.

remember, i am a garden, and i need to be tended to. sometimes i need to move my body, other times i need to move my hands. sometimes i need to read and think (but externalize this thinking).

4) characters

some characters i would like to embody this coming month:

manic artist. shaman. getting calls and signs and symbols and creating with everything i have. mixing art and design - design to provoke and surprise. not allowing myself to think about others because there are no others and there is no ((I)). there is only good humor and being nice to others. and chanelling my fears and anxieties into work. even on days where i dont feel like it, putting in the effort. 21 days. let us try this.

embody who i want to be - light, light, light. spreading that lightness and teachings to others. kya hi hai.

i resent that my friends don't understand me, then again i don't talk. there is no point building resentment, i suppose then, cuz it is only harming me. i keep thinking the only way is to distance myself from these people?

paint and make stuff for the room and clothes as well. paint the top ((acrylic)).

[etchedstars]

based off of my online friend discord server: 

*lesbian disaster whose only coping mechanism is painting, the confused older sister, lovable, swears so much that they have a special nickname because of it* 

*slightly collected ace lesbian who has Trauma they refuse to accept, buries it under books + musicals + a singular tv show, hyperfixates on One Thing at a time, procrastinates* 

*the other lesbian, this one’s a hypocrite bc they tell people to drink water/smile/its gonna be okay then proceeds to ignore it all and sit in the ranting section of all servers crying* 

*local pansexuals who have no idea whats happening but still love us, loves really obscure show almost more than the server people* 

*the one who goes with the flow and fangirls over stuff with others, is unlabelled but Not Cishet, writes really well and then says its bad, swears a lot, is the youngest* 

*the questioning one who’s def the oldest out of us all, “it’s not thaaat bad” trauma, has like four stories that get updated a lot, we all envy her for that, needs more validation, mom friendo*

*the one who pops in occasionally to say pog or ok, bot wizard, once pretended they were yagpbd.xyz and got banned* 

*the other other lesbian who has the least trauma out of us all, has pet rats and shares pictures of them :D, isn’t really ever here but we love her anyways :))*

*a trio that’s literally never on, i can’t remember anyone’s names help*

( ft @nothingtoseehd​, shotgun, @daydreams-at-night​/pauchnotok, me :), @/Your_Local_Outcast, @/Musa_Nova, @/bruceywp, august, someone else idk who, and @/GrEg_the_Second_Bro and i’ll leave you to guess who is who)

straight friend groups be like: *chad* *brunette girl* *blonde girl* *jock* *other jock*

gay friend groups be like: *hedonistic man looking for people to corrupt* *soft spoken painter in love with his sitter* *young pretty impressionable man who is ready to be brainwashed*

[katherine-rambles]

i went to a talk today about like, 'success' and what that entails? sorta? it was better than i make it sound. 

one of the big points was that-- what we've been taught isn't working, so to repeat it is folly. and... alongside the point that apparently 1/3 of americans haven't read a book since schooling (what the actual fuck? i'm bamboozled by this), there was a point made that time spent playing videogames usually isn't time spent bettering oneself or 'productive' and that americans on average spend like. 50 hours a week in front of a screen outside of work. 

 and i mean... videogames don't have to be productive. (though the ones that attempt to be are certainly breaking lots of good ground.) but at the same time, like. i'd rather be producing than spending 20 hours a week grinding in splatoon for.... what? squid fashion? i mean i do enjoy the game and getting better at it but i... there isn't a point to it besides that it exists in and of itself as a fun thing. 

and fun things are good, but like, i also have fun MAKING things and CREATING and stuff that actively makes my life better? things that to this day i am proud of for having spent my time on in the past are mostly things that i’ve Done or Made or Created or Cultivated. crafts, art, relationships, groups, gifts, volunteering, community, socialization.... 

like, for contrast, i’m not ‘proud’ that i played okami, i just enjoyed it. don’t get me wrong-- the friendships that started because of my geeky interests are wonderful, but they’re not wonderful specifically because of those interests. they’re wonderful because we share our time and selves with each other. and that can include gaming and chilling out as much as it can include working alone together, or crafting, or.... you get what i mean? 

i dunno. my priorities around gaming have been shifting for a long time anyway, as its role (as well as the role of other media) in my life shifted. 

as a youth, i was fairly isolated and in need of things to do to prevent myself from losing it. media back then was pretty much my only real option, outside of school-- and it allowed me to bond with the friends i was able to make, both in digital and physical spaces. single player games, books, tv shows were my refuge from.... mundanity and chores that i couldn’t/wouldn’t see the point of as a child. and i think it was a sort of hyperfixation thing with my probable adhd, a way to keep myself from the pain of boredom without necessarily always spending effort (because hyperfixating on creating 20 gifts in a week is a LOT more taxing than watching a two season show in a week.)

but now as a (mostly) adult, i have the option of just Doing Stuff? like if i wanna volunteer no one’s stopping me except me. whereas, as a teenager, my mom wouldn’t let me travel alone, point blank. so doing stuff like that was a Huge Thing to coordinate because i had to deal both with my parent’s expectations and schedule as well as my peers AND their parental units AND whatever needs of space/time/etc that are inherent in planning anything. 

and like-- hoooo boy media was definitely used as a Distractor from Issues In My Life during my Depression Shit™, and to an extent they still serve that purpose? 

but the important difference between then and now is that... now i have the energy/mental health to maybe do something about my situation. so the “distractor” becomes more like “extremely effective way of procrastinating”... and i guess the talk reminded me that maybe i don’t want to do that with my time, since i have a lot of other things i’m excited about and want to pursue. 

so the end result of said introspection is that i deleted almost every game on my phone, and have been unfollowing things on tumblr that aren’t, uh, parts of my life i want to work on i guess? if that makes sense? i also decided to Stop Collecting Interesting Pictures, and instead narrow my focus to my Own Stuff and Actual Concrete Idea Inspiration-- but that’s better anyway as being doodled and then taken a snap of, really.

the games on my phone were mostly Just Ways To Pass Time and, also, basically skinner boxes. i might redownload some of the more puzzly-ones because stretching your brain and all, but as much as i adore magikarp jump and its infectious, radically accepting positivity.... it’s a time-locked ‘collector’. the goal of collecting magikarp is not actually a goal i’m interested in, big-picture-wise.

i’m not quite ready to purge my gaming setups-- but i am ready to start thinking of gaming under a new lens. i ask this of almost everything else i buy anyway, and i actually have begun asking it of games, so it’s not strange to apply more universally-- what does this bring into my life? what does this add? 

and i’m a STRONG believer in that games can have meaningful and intriguing and thought-provoking messages. they can also be really amazing shared experiences and provide things to bond over. so games of course still have a place in my life, as much as books and movies and shows do. 

and sometimes you just need to relax, and punching the shit outta bad guys can do that. 

but at least with the phone thing... i’d MUCH rather spend my transit time learning japanese than clicking incessantly for non-useful--and really, in the long run, non-desirable--rewards.

i guess the idea is a lot like my wardrobe.  “if you only have cute clothes, you’ll always be cute.”  “if you surround yourself with activities that will improve yourself, you’re more likely to do something that improves yourself.” 

which.... it’s been working for clothes. let’s see if it works for other things.

[a-gameboi]

Autism Acceptance Month - 30 Days Of Questions - Day 1, 2, 3

(im putting days 1, 2, and 3 here. also im still self-dx)

1. What do you want people to know about autism? i guess i just want people to know that its not all such a “horrible burden to live with” and like, its not as bad as the media says it is. we can still live normal lives, just differently, not wrong. 2. When did you find out you were autistic, and how did it affect you/make you feel? i self-dxed at age 14 but i was actually showing signs of it since i was 8, but since i was the quiet, shy, clingy kid noone though of it weird. like, elementary school teachers though i was autistic cause i was in the gifted classes and special eds classes at the same time(for speech therapy), and spent pe and music and art with my two friends who were also autistic. (apparently, i was the only “non autistic” kid they would willingly hang out with during school) and it made me feel good?? i had a name for why i acted certain ways in situations so that was a plus. 3. What do you think are the best things about being autistic? idk i guess its finally a reason for why im so “picky” with certain clothes and foods thats reasonable. and i get hyperfixated often so i can do stuff faster for it(helps since i procrastinate so much) and i can be content with just one certain thing for hours(pokemon and video games)