#But also I kind of need to get it out of my system I think | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

transgendercastiel · 1 year

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#Hmmmmmmm… considering it for sure #But I wrote it like a year ago so it a) is probably very badly written #b) includes too many references to my personal experiences with having to leave school environments #C) is written in the notes app so it’s very badly formatted #Plus I’d have to watch the episode again…#But also I kind of need to get it out of my system I think #To come back to later at least #But knowing me I’ll probably edit it and post it within a few weeks regardless of this poll…#Community #the truest repairman posts #<— original post tag

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heph · 10 months

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I bought Bloodweave candles from Planeshift Candles and I don't want them to know how much I love and obsess over their candles (we are mutuals) so now I'm yelling about it on tumblr instead of twitter SO!

Gale smells of like a . Sweet masculine cologne and Astarion smells citrusy (bergamot...) and I've been letting them perfume my room for the past few days and yall I'm just thinking about Gale's tent smelling like this 😭😭😭

#i think gale sleeps in his own tent and astarion joins him in the dead of night like a cat #you know when cats scratch at the door and wander into your room and cuddle on the bed yeah like that #bloodweave scented room i am so happy #also i basically bought gale took a sniff and went well. headcanon accepted NWISBSJSJ #UGHHHH i needed to yell about my candles theyre so wonderful i love them so much #okay. i got it out of my system. cheers !#its currently oos so yall cant get it now but i def recommend it #im kind of a huge fan...#im so normal #okay thats all thank you for reading #bloodweave

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deus-and-the-machina · 5 months

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ffxiv garlemald discourse is so funny because people will go "ugh people just cant stand it when things aren't black and white" and then you look at how the empire are portrayed in stormblood and shadowbringers and its like hm. that seems like a pretty intense and accurate display of violent imperialism to me! Wow I wonder why people in this day and age may find it hard to feel sympathy for them or even hate them on principal. god its such a mystery.

the games like 50/50 to me on how it tackles these themes because I actually like the garlemald arc in EW, I think it has a lot of horrific and powerful scenes depicting how self destructive fascist propaganda and beliefs are, but I also think it doesn't go far enough on some fronts. the garleans' xenophobia is most notably and obstacle to getting them to accept the contingent's help, which is what they're there to do,

but there's never an admission of harm from any garleans on the uuuuuuuuh massive amount of war crimes the nations around them are still suffering from they're just kind of like "we misjudged you...but you actually wanted to help us all along" like yeah thats great now can we get you all some deprogramming because you keep talking about returning to your prime and glory days and I think we need to unpack some stuff you really SHOULDNT return to. im not even really talking about EW proper but the patches where things are a bit more chilled out and people are recovering.

It feels like they wanted to have their critique of imperialism and also have things end with the beauty of human connection and reaching out and these things just don't mesh well because hey a lot of your modern day audience is not gonna like having to treat people yelling xenophobic things at the cast and your character with kid gloves after you showed them hours and hours of the awful things these people's beliefs have done. especially in the present day hoo boy.

#im kind of torn between 'no characters dont need to be 'punished' to be redeemed but also the characters just being so lenient with the #colonizers after we see far too many people being lenient if not supportive of the colonizers irl. well. it really blows afslkjfalkf and #yeah you can argue if they'd gone through with the garlemald expansion they would've had more time to go into this but the fact is that its #absent from what they did do and I especially think the patches when we go to garlemald and the EW role quests going 'hey maybe the #provinces can help us rebuild' as if they'd have any goddamn right to ask that just make me feel like they didnt stick the landing #seeing all the characters who have suffering time and time again bc of the garleans or seen the results of their actions having to clamp #their mouths shut every time someone said something xenophobic in EW isnt satisfying and it leaves so much unsaid!#also some people feel like the narrative didnt blame emet enough but ngl I think thats reductive even with his micromanaging scheming littl #ass and the intention of garlemald turning out a shitshow that doesnt make anyone else less complicit. most governments like this exaggerat #and lie and spread propaganda but I dont think most people here excuse the actions of a bigot because 'they were raised that way'#this is also my issue with gaius' writing. hes primarily upset that ascians were behind what he thought was his good old fashioned natural #conquering ideology :( and doesnt it suck so much he killed people for it. like yeah he seems pretty aware what he did was wrong but his #ideology remains bizarrely intact and unchallenged by the characters around him. no dude it wasnt just the ascians the system is a lot more #complex than that by this point aaaaaugh #final fantasy xiv #ffxiv #siren says #I hope people are nice to me about this I dont think I said anything particularly controversial to the Tumblr crowd (twt maybe but fuck em)#ig my main point with this post is that the game isnt perfect at writing this and also that look. I actually liked the main arc in EW and I #like quite a few garlean characters but I completely understand why others didnt like it or any garleans esp if they have their own persona #experiences with colonialism and I dont get to tell them they're invalid for that. too many people get judgmental about this understandably #upsetting topic and you just gotta accept that this is a big line for many people

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icewindandboringhorror · 6 months

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Hrmm... put together a roommates quiz finally after years of thinking it would be an interesting idea lol.. Though obviously not meant to be taken super seriously, I just like thinking about this aspect of personality compatibility. Like yeah, maybe you could get along with someone just chatting with them, but living together is such a different thing. .. curiouse...

#Not that I think that many people would really care since I barely know anyone on tumblr in real life and would never live with random #internet strangers lol but... idk.. I made this to give to friends from time to time and thought... why not post it here too #just out of sheer curiosity if anyone takes it what the most common results would be and etc.#My initial assumption is that most people would probably fall into the 'maybe' category and that either extreme of 'best roomates'#and 'worst roomates' would be the least common #very long also since I like to be thorough I guess #THOUGH... upon second thought... tumblr is home of the like Weird Introverts Who Sit Inside All The Time.. so maybe it's more #likely to come across compatible poeple on here. given that many of the questions are about how meticulous #people are with their scehdules or how often they invite friends over or if they like to mostly stay inside etc.#(since personally I think having a roommate coming and going and bringing random people over all the time would be too chaotic #lol... I need a peaceful quiet household)#Also I kind of don't like the way uquiz seems to do results. I was hoping it would be a number tally? I used some sort of quiz making site #before where you weight the question responses with a number (so the 'Best' response is worth a 0 #The worst is worth like 5 points. and all the in between are like 1 - 4 points or something). So then it is actually possible to have a #''perfect score'' category (someone who gets a literal 0 points). and also you could weight some EXTREMELY bad answers #to add like +10 to the score instead of just +5. And someone who got the MAX possible points would be the WORST compatibility. etc.#But uquiz seems to just be like ''which category did you score towards the MOST'. So someone can give some pretty bad answers #that are VERY non compatible. but as long as MOST of their answers landed in a 'compatible' category #then they would still be listed as compatible despite still actually having some dealbreakers in there. Which is also possible with the #'every answer is a number amount' ranking system too. but I feel like that one does allow for a little more customization #and accuracy (like making the dealbreakers add like...+40 to the score or something so that #there's basically NO way that someone could answer with one of those and still get a good score. Or the ability to have a literal #'perfect score' (getting a zero) etc.#BUt anyway lol... inchresting.. inchresting... curious to consider maybe making a uquiz #for the characters in the gameI'm making like.. which npc are you type quiz or something #now that I've made one and seen how it works.. hrmm hrmm....#(< game will not even be done for like another year but still thinking about nonsense like this lol)

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beatcroc · 7 months

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listen. i love pizza tower with my whole heart & mind. you know this. you Know. but first and foremost i am a character design bitch, and the pizzas are, frankly, very bland. this is not a critique or a complaint, because obviously That's Not The Point and more importantly i would be horrified if anyone tried doing that much animation with anything more complex than what's there. but also it means when i get a taste of some truly whack ass insane design work again it is like fuuuucking catnip

#ive been DEPRIVED......#pizza business is on hiatus i need to play lethal league for 50 hours and make a surely ill-fated cosplay about it #it really is unfortunate fake pep could have been a fun cosplay for the way i wanted to go about it #but for all the schematics i had sketched out it was never a thing i wanted to get up and actually try to Make #and then i wake up the next day after playing llb once and go like oh. ohhhhhh. i need to be doombox irl #and because of that realizing. oh that was misplaced idle thoughts before; i never actually wanted to do fp for real #i was just on that train bc 1. very passionate about the game obviously [and he was kind of my only option to rep pt] and 2.#i think it was a lot of leftover inertia from my PREVIOUS cosplay idea [baozhai from indivisible] that i also never pursued #lots of Makin Stuff drive still existing but not having a place to go.#fp was certainly more doable than baozhai so it was easy to latch on but #still not....really the kind of thing i actually Enjoy making #this one though. ohgghhgh i feel it. i feel the cosmos #i still dont think i'm actually going to complete it. the current projection is that i just make a shitty prototype and then #realize how impossible and unfun this is gonna be and then drop it. [but its fine bc i still got to make stuff and got the idea out]#however. that first pizza comic was also originally a single-image prototype to get the idea across bc #i didn't think i would actually draw out that whole thing either.#so i guess we'll just see what happens. now won't we.#poor fuckin noisette comic 2 man i put it off for so long and then finally get into it and then this happens #ill get back on it eventually this is just something i have to indulge while i have it and get it out of my system #its like evangelion. sometimes you have to write 8k words of analysis. and sometimes you gotta make a really stupid cosplay #anyway hey i should post the fp cosplay schematics huh. i meant to back when i first did them but then didnt. whoops #bweeeaaahh

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blupengu · 4 months

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Y’all is Hollow Knight hard or do I just suck because oh my god??

#not gonna inflict my ramblings onto someone else’s post so just making a text post for myself #but oh my god #what the fuck?#maybe I’m not a hardcore metroidvania fan but I like them well enough #do I suck that badly at games now?? am I old to the point that my hands can’t do this shit????#did I just somehow fuck myself at some point???#because wow this feels kind of sadistic????#and not even in the fun kind of way?????#like I think I’d rather submit myself to fear and hunger again rather than continue where I am now in hk #idk maybe I’m missing something #but I just got wall jump and was so happy until I fell down to where you can challenge those mantis dudes #got myself out of there but then as I was exploring northwest I keep dying and reviving from the fucking bouncy balls over water #and the normal mantis mobs are also kicking my ass?#and dont even get me started on the weird tentacley nuclear bomb mushroom things those are just bullshit #AND THEN AS I WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME EXPLORING HEADING TOWARDS A SAVE BENCH I GET DROPPED INTO DEEPNEST??????#WHAT KIND OF JUMPSCARE BULLSHIT??????????#AND THE FUCKING COCKROACHES THAT NEVER SEEM TO STOP SPAWNING KILL ME #and then I see how fucking far back I’ve been dropped in the corner of fungal wastes #and I try jumping through the fucking bouncy balls again #and I die and lose my money #I can’t fucking do this shit anymore y’all holy fucking shit #the number of times I’ve died and restarted from that fucking fungal wastes bench I am so sick of it 💀#legit I think this is the first time I’ve rage quit a game #it’s been a while since a game’s actually made me this angry I want to fucking throw something 😂#the willpower and self control I needed to not chuck my pro controller across the room…#if I didn’t have neighbors and a unit below me I’d be throwing shit for sure though #but instead I must smack pillows against my mattress in a rage 😂#I think I hate the ‘go back to where you died to get back your money’ punishment system… like legit I actually really really hate it.#I do think the game is fun and I know I’ll probably quickly gain the money… but it feels like the game’s telling me I fucking suck lmao #suffice to say I will not be playing any more hollow knight for the foreseeable future 💀

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meme-loving-stuck · 1 year

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i remember being brought up christian like, almost concerned that i never felt a connection to any of the shit they were talkin about,

and when i was younger i was like "oh no! am i bad for not feeling connected to god?? is it bad i feel like my dead mom doesnt talk to me or watch over me?? am i horrible for pretending?????"

but turns out i just had Autism Powers that made me immune to it and i was able to completely sever myself from the idea of being Christian at the ripe old age of like 13. and it was such a HUGE comfort to see that there were all these other beliefs and spiritual sort of things that other people chose to believe in and didnt necessarily treat their beliefs as COLD HARD UNDENIABLE FACT the way christians treat the existence of god & heaven & hell

like now that i am older i know i was in fact traumatized by the culturally catholic beliefs my family held & forced on us all, but i am really immensely grateful that my child self looked at all the other aspects of christianity that would horrify most other children into behaving/conforming, and basically just went, "okay, source?"

and that was the end of that

#BLOGGING LOUDLY #okay source sounds so cringe ik but like #i really couldnt buy into any of it after a certain point #even though i almost found comfort in it! the idea of prayer was very much that for me the way it is for many ppl #i just literally could not believe something that didnt have proof i could see or touch #and when i was a bit older i did get hit with the 'well you cant SEE gravity but you believe in that'#but again immediately i was like... you can still prove gravity though. i learned it in seventh grade. LMAO #i dont know part of me is relieved i didnt feel the painful separation or conflict that so many others feel #but i am still kind of sad i couldnt just. be that way. and find a home somewhere #and that nothing else has really stood out to me except like non theistic satanism which also sounds. edgy teen boy #like it is a legitimate belief system and i feel closely aligned to it! but im still just kinda meh about using the label ... hrmm #perhaps need to look into the various kinds of satanism again #i tend to stay away from pagan stuff but its also something i found interesting #my partner seems very interested in becoming a jew despite not really... ever having been exposed to judaism or jewish cultures #but id like to learn more about it too i have many resources just kinda sitting....#idk i guess i started thinking about this bc actually studying other religions etc could be very fulfilling but i just....eh....

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piplupod · 4 months

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also fungus gnats or no-see-ums have come indoors while i had the (screened) windows open down here to try to get in a little fresh air, and now I keep getting tiny bugs in my face every so often no matter what room I'm in and idk which they are bc they look so similar so idk how to get rid of them other than just keep trying to kill any that I spot in here and never open the windows again 😭

#this is why i dont open the windows ever despite the fact that I love to get fresh air in down here #and parents scoff at me when i say the reason i keep them closed is bc of bugs #well. they have nice new windows up there lmfao. the ones down here are old and the screens dont fit right and the mesh is slightly too big #so these tiny flies can get in. or little ants. or spiders and weevils and carpet beetles thru the cracks along the screen frame #i appreciate the importance of bugs in the world but i am... so tired of having them in my living space #I've put up with centipedes and earwigs as well as all the aforementioned bugs #i have been kind to them and taken them outdoors as much as i could (except for tiny flies bc. theyre different idk)#but i am just so so so tired of dealing w this all the time fjfkfl #ppl talk abt exposure therapy but I think maybe being constantly exposed to these bugs is giving me new fear of them #i cannot see a weevil outside without having my nervous system act up #i feel like im going to have a breakdown when i see centipedes outside bc it reminds me of all the times I've had to catch them inside #i dont like this :)))))#i am also so close to getting rid of all my houseplants bc im so terrified of having a fungus gnat infestation again #the last time was bc of some potatoes I'd forgotten about in a cupboard. but they also like houseplants. so ummmm #also my isopod terrarium is prime egg laying real estate for them but i taped tea bag material over the openings #so they can't get inside there again lol #idk how to calm down to sleep tonight fjdkl i am so on edge now trying to figure out how to deal w all this #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

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ella-and-her-art · 2 years

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I see you changing from how I designed you

#listen. I kind of hate this musical (I do in my heart believe that it has a fundamental misunderstanding about the character of odysseus)#that being said? warrior of the kind has been stuck in my head all day #I don’t particularly like most of their characterizations but I do think they got Athens right #anyway here’s some art about it #also like this is very unfinished but I needed to get it out of my system yk?#odysseus #athena #epic the musical

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10000-paper-nohara-rins · 9 months

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i go back and forth on rin's elemental nature. i really think fire suits her for thematic parallels to sasuke reasons and also i just think fire is cool and suits her whole. perception of her self and being weird about purpose deal. but water is also cool because i think rin deserves to bloodbend. elaine kind of beat symbolism where she controls other people to try and come to terms with how she can't control herself. the way to resolve this is to take the path of "nature can warp under stress or whatever" and let rin's og nature be fire, so she has that in the entire og timeline and also the team 7 sensei au (good because those are the ones where the sasuke parallels are the Strongest) and then in the akatsuki!rin au the whole almost dying thing somehow leads to her nature changing to water. which works well because that's the au where she is the weirdest about control and also masks. 👍

#i am going to write up the timeline for the rin team 7 sensei au at some point i just need. to work out a few kinks #(the kinks are kakashi. in case you were wondering)#i know EXACTLY how rin would work in that situation lmao it's actually really fun because somehow she gets. better ? mental health?#also sasuke FINALLY gets to be a medic. and rin gets to address her complex feelings towards being pushed into a medic role by the system #its soooo good and also i kill off minato <3 man gets drawn and quartered by iwa and he DESERVES it!!! i lvoe him #anyways kakashi does do the whole tsukuyomi gig but i have no idea why. lmao. im figuring it out #it's not that i can't picture him doing harm. it's that i can't picture him dropping the singleminded loyalty #maaaybe i could get him in on a misguided itatchi type beat? but even that doesn't make sense #because like. hold on stick with me. he's danzo.#yaknow the kind of guy who devotes his soul to the village and will go against pollicy if he thinks its necessary but is still 100% loyal #i will have to write the sakumo danzo kakashi essay sometime. because oh baby.#anyways if you've read this far and don't wanna burn me at the stake for weird danzo opinions feel free to chat me up about kakashi #i am. open to aid on my understanding of him. not dead set on much.

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yo9urt · 10 months

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started playing ball dur's gait 3

#mine #6.5h in (i may have stayed up past my bedtime) and i am beyond impressed #not only do i get the wish fulfillment of making myself a sick ass wizard who hangs out with cool fantasy people #and does cool fantasy stuff including hitting people with magic (my dream)#but like the whole world feels like REAL also it feels FUCKING HUGE OMG THERES SO MANY AREAS #I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO GET TO AND THERES LIKE LITTLE HIDDEN ITEMS EVERYWHERE #AND LIKE SHIT GOING ON ALL THE TIME LIKE WTF THIS PLACE IS HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!#i kind of like how directionless it is like obviously theres the main story and stuff but you can really dick around #and you can kind of set your own pace and do things your way which is very enjoyable #even for me as someone who is kind of stupid and needs to be told what to do in video games #i think that aspect of it and the combat system being kind of complicated (but in a fun and challenging way imo)#is hopefully going to make me not suck at video games so hard LMAO #i did die last night i got my ass beat in the overgrown ruins chapel area on the beach...embarrassing #so i had to reset my save to immediately post-crash which was a valuable lesson #anyway i really like how it feels like every dialogue and action choice has so much gravity to it #before i click anything im always like will this make someone mad at me...#will this make someone like me...will this cause something in my vicinity to explode...etc. it's kind of heavy but in a fun way #idk i'm super charmed by it lol i'm going to play like all day maybe #my tav is a high half elf wizard (transmutation school) if anyone was wondering :3 #hes a bit of a self insert lol he looks like a hotter fantasy wizard version of me #but hes also kind of a discrete guy (i say this because hes been doing more killing than i would want to)#(like when i went to the church and had to kill those guys i didnt wanna do it but i had to :( wah)#anyway.....fun game. all should play #o astarion kinda hates me too lol i need more points with him im just too nice #shart likes me and wyll likes me too i think (idk how to check approval on the steam deck lol)#i havent found the other companions i seriously have no fucking clue where they are #one of the goals for today is to go sniff them out lmao

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bl00dw1tch · 9 months

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Ive been having lots of talks lately with my mom abt politics n the state of the world, Good conversations to be sure, and theyre great bc we both make good points and can compare different experiences and all -- but good God the fact that she's still seems to have. More subconscious faith in the moral integrities of the nebulous concept of a government or corporation More than she has faith in the the moral integrity of the nebulous concept of our societal peers. She talks about it like the Second a group like that is founded, its set of ethics just Miraculously appears out from the ether + just happens to Always be morally sound by default. I cant seem to find a way to word things that with like... idk. Help it Click that those corporations are still run by People and are therefore just as fallible 💀 technically More so but she's convinced capitalism is Never going to go away so she doesn't care about the whole "company's and governments in power, as they exist today, Have A Monetary Incentive To Lie To Us As Much As They Can" thing cuz shes such a damn pessimist and assumes All people have been doing that Forever 💀💀💀 SIGH it's nbd i just needed to put it in words bc its been on my mind on and off

#horse.txt #vent //#not extremely sad just like. huffy.#i love my mom to pieces but. man. we all have our issues ig 😔 it would just be nice if she wouldn't talk to me about how #the world is only every going to get worse within my lifetime #with a shrug and a laugh like 'what can ya do?' like ma. to your own adult child's face? when im already clearly upset with the state of #the world? not when im trying to talk about the kind of changes that other people are proposing we make to our overall society?#she gets so bitchy at me for always complaining but never Doing anything to change the world #but then She complains and agrees with me?? and then ALSO denounces all the Suggestions i tell her abt bc 'oh that would never work lol'#and then when i ask her 'ok well what would You do?' and she go well i think we need to get rid of credit cards and the debt system we have #and im like ok sick!!! keep going!!!#and then she goes OH but we cant get Rid of the debt system Completely bc people still need to borrow from lenders to get houses n cars #and im just. MA #shes been stuck on this metaphor of America being 'a house'#and she says all the ideas of overthrowing the government and replacing it with Anything else would be 'burning it down'#and that if America is already On fire then we should just put it out and try to rebuild it #like 1.) America is not a House it is a Cult. America is a group of people on an area of land. not a fucking House.#2.) THERE ARE PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND THE CULTHOUSE WITH FLAMETHROWERS AND GUNS TO SCARE AWAY AND/OR KILL ANYONE WHO TRIES TO PUT IT OUT.#ITS GOING TO BURN DOWN ANYWAY

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polygondotcomvideoproducer · 2 years

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Uni lecture is making me think about my future for a minute and auuuggghhhh the agonies

#personal #taking a brief break from it bc the feeling hasnt quite overwhelmed me yet but i dont think I'm going to be okay by the end of it!#its asking me to consider what my strengths are. what kind of role I'd like to have in the industry when i graduate #these are questions that i SHOULD certainly have answers to but they kind of just make me not wanna be alive yk? bc i have no answers #I'm not really good at much. like the things I'm best at I'm still completely unexceptional #what are my strengths? don't have any. next question #what job do i want to have in the industry? well that requires an answer to the first question doesn't it #not to mention it requires me to think about graduating and having a job and I've simply never imagined myself getting that far #and i can only give this so much of my attention span bc I'm also thinking about how hard i failed my modules from last semester #my best grade this year has been a c #one of them is a marginal fail meaning i do the reassessment this year (i think)#the other is a hard f. what does that mean? do i resit the entire course next year? maybe #and i can't look it up just yet bc i need to make it through the lecture bc I'm really far behind this other module already #and it's only week 3 and i have a presentation tomorrow #and if i stop watching it im not convinced I'll bring myself to start watching again!#so instead i was just sitting here trying not to get overwhelmed by all of the things i should be thinking about!!!#that's why I'm making the post tbh. just to organise my thoughts and get it out of my system and give myself time to breathe #and my phone keeps buzzing while i type and if it does that one more time i will launch us both out of the window I'm so fucking done #semester has barely begun and im so fucking overwhelmed already #I've joked about being the token nt mutual before but honestly the past few years I've just been getting gradually more convinced I'm not #this can't be how everyone else is experiencing life. surely #like dude I'm so out of fucking touch w the concept of being a human #so in summary: augh the agonies

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capinejghafa · 10 months

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tbh im so tired and at work (on a sunday!)... i just have to make to wed and then im off for a week and half. a break i didn't ask for (perse), but got any ways lol

#random #myra irl #im gonna bitch in the tags for a min sorry #im working for wed so i need to be here lol #i also kind of ran out of pto days and let me tell you the pto system is broken... but that's another issue entirely #like i don't get federal holidays off and im trying desperately not to be bitter about it right now #but you know at least ill be home for my house repairs in a week (i have been waiting since sept!!!)#i haven't slept well so maybe i might be sleeping well soon #also someone was like you can take federal holidays off! and im like ma'am i need to use pto if i do and they're like but you don't have #to be at work #like ma'am what do you think it means that i have to use my pto??? the complete disregard to workers :(

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streatfeild · 1 year

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oh shit. i‘m drunk and yearning for human connection. oh god

#but none of the people available are RIGHT for my kind of yearning!!??!!?!!!!!!#shit i don’t know when the last time was i actually felt lonely #maybe in. 10th grade or something #real life is messed up i should stop participating in it #(ignore me please i‘m sounding pathetic bit i need to get it out of my system)#i‘m close to calling my ex flatmate. but. objecrively he kinda sucks and isn’t good for me so. i won’t i promise #shut up kit #delete #why is my phone on 4% i didn’t do anything. i fucking hate apple #also i‘m emotional bc i just watched house 2.02 qnd it MURDERED ME LIKE!!!??!!!??!!!!#???#okay i‘ll shut up now. 3%. i hope apple dies in a ditch #i need to fuck an old man i think. but this town sucks. no good old men here :/

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elytrafemme · 1 year

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you all will be infuriated with me but i’m being dead serious this time, this isn’t a “haha let’s get my mutuals telling me they think i have this in a joking way” this is like, i’m seriously considering this sort of thing.

i’m wondering if i was wrong about the borderline thing.

and to be clear because i know at least some people might jump on this, i’m not saying all the symptoms i attributed to it are gone. those are still existent and bpd is the best explanation out of the countless of other conditions i’ve read research papers about, talked to professionals about, or otherwise studied. like this is the best thing i have to go off of.

but i think i’m very used to being wrong about these things. i was wrong about being part of a system, which i guess i can elaborate on but at this point like, i give up, at some point i’ll go through and delete my pluralkit because i’m tired of this shit. i was wrong about every other condition i thought i had and to be clear part of why i thought i had those conditions was me just trying to humble any other option but bpd. so if they were successful, well, that’d be unexpected.

but that still makes it extremely strange and i honestly am doubting if i have bpd anymore.

#nightmare.personal #i don't know if this is one of those things that's kind of socially inappropriate to say but it's honest so i will #most people who have BPD are way more fucked up than me #like yes i'm definitely fucked up. compared to some of my friends yeah absolutely.#but especially with childhood shit like. it's a lot more intense than what i remember.#and yes yes there's a lot i don't remember. sure. i just found out two days ago that my parents fighting with my brother a lot #might have affected me mentally. so like there's a lack of understanding here.#but i don't think you guys really get how fucked up some of your lives have been #and like. yes i've been in near death situations sure. whatever.#but what's different between me and all these other people is you guys had stuff going on physically #and mine wasn't exactly physical. i probably could have died. but it would have been a psychological thing more than anything #and that's not exactly in the neat little handbook most support groups carry so who's normal pilled now huh #also i'm sure half of you do not give a shit about this but #some of you have BPD and it's a moth to the flame effect #the system thing will get at least one auto like because patterns #so people do care about this but most of you don't and ultimately this is useless #i'm just tired of this. and i think i need to do something about it soon.

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