#But Me and the State of California are both denying this request

[fighting-these-demons]

HIEI DOES NOT HAVE A MOTORCYCLE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT NEED ONE

HIEI DOES NOT HAVE A MOTORCYCLE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT NEED ONE

HIEI DOES NOT HAVE A MOTORCYCLE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT NEED ONE

I AM NOT ADDING ANOTHER MOTORCYCLE TO THIS AU JUST BECAUSE OF A LICENSE PLATE

The post for context:

[dailyunsolvedmysteries]

The Strange Disappearance of Kenny Veach

The Mojave Desert, located in the southwestern United States, is a brutal and unforgiving landscape.

Sprawling over parts of four states; California, Nevada, Arizona and Utah, the area is so vast that entire European countries like Ireland and Iceland could fit comfortably within its boundaries.

The “high desert” is prone to extreme temperatures and arid conditions. In November of 2014, an American hiker named Kenny Veach had a strange encounter with a mysterious cave in the Sheep Mountain area, just north of Las Vegas.

Once, he posted: “I hike over mountain top after mountain top and sleep on peaks under the stars . . . Sometimes I have to scale giant cliffs to get myself out of a jam, but I always make it back.”

He was proud of the fact that there was only one time that he had to be rescued on one of his adventures, and that was when he injured his leg at the top of a mountain.

Tired of the daily Monday-through-Friday grind, Kenny wanted to be his own boss, be in charge of his own life, and have the free time to immerse himself in his desert explorations.

So, he quit his day job and decided to be an inventor. He started a YouTube channel, documenting his creations and his forays into the desert.

It was in June of 2014, using the name Snakebitmcgee, Kenny left a comment in response to a YouTube video that read: That ain’t nothing. I am a long-distance hiker. One time, during one of my hikes out by Nellis Air Force Base, I found a hidden cave.

The entrance to the cave was shaped like a perfect capital M. I always enter every cave I find, but as I began to enter this particular cave, my whole body began to vibrate.

The closer I got to the cave entrance, the worse the vibrating became. Suddenly, I became very scared and high-tailed it out of there. That was one of the strangest things that ever happened to me. 

Unbeknownst to Kenny and the rest of the world, that comment would have tragic consequences.

Kenny’s comment on that video sparked a flurry of requests for him to prove his claim.

Since he hadn’t documented the first trip to what would become known as “the M cave”, he needed to go back to the area to locate it and, this time, document what he found.

On his second search for the cave, he went armed with a 9-millimeter handgun and a video camera. 

He documented some wildlife and found a whole horde of pine nuts that he gleefully ate on camera. He stood next to an abandoned mine shaft and rather sheepishly declared that he was unable to find the cave on his second hike.

Much to Kenny’s dismay, that video was met with criticism. Many thought he had made the whole thing up, and the public demanded proof of his claim of a mysterious cave with supernatural properties.

Viewers actively encouraged, and some even dared Kenny to go back out to the mountain range a third time. 

However, one comment on his video, which has since been deleted, read, “No! Do not go back there. If you find that cave entrance, don’t go in, you won’t get out.”

Whether that comment was made by somebody teasing Kenny or whether it was a serious warning by somebody who was personally familiar with the cave is unknown.

Regarding the M cave, Kenny said, “I solo hike across mountain tops that most people wouldn’t dare go. I have been in more caves than I can count. I play with rattlesnakes for fun. But this one particular cave was beyond anything I had ever encountered.”

Hoping to put the naysayers in their place, Kenny hiked out to the territory a third time.

On the 10th of November 2014, Kenny once again made his way to the Sheep Mountain area, which is close to the U.S. Air Force installation called Area 51, known for its speculated connection to UFOs and secret government experiments.

It’s located near Groom Lake and is within the Nevada Test and Training Range. As late as 2012, the U.S. government denied the existence of Area 51, and it is still closed to the public.

Both ground and aerial searches were conducted, but no sign of Kenny could be found.

Dave Cummings from Red Rock Search & Rescue reported finding Kenny’s cell phone next to an abandoned vertical mine shaft, where he filmed part of the M cave video.

Specially trained individuals were called in to conduct a search of the mine. Unfortunately, aside from his vehicle and his cell phone, no trace of Kenny was ever found.

[kailasastrinidad]

The Press Secretary Office of The Holy See of Hinduism Responds to Mr. Michael Kaplan, New York Post

View on fb: https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=778174063675427&set=a.306078404218331

The Press Secretary Office of The Holy See of Hinduism Responds to Mr. Michael Kaplan, New York Post

Dear Mr. Michael Kaplan, Thank you for reaching out. Let me first address four core inaccuracies in the recent news reports: Q1: What is the truth regardings allegations of rape by Swami Nithyananda? A1: The allegations are false. The same false victims filed the same false charges in the US. But the US courts exonerated SPH, dismissed the case in favor of SPH and in turn fined the false victims to a tune of nearly a million dollars.

The Supreme Pontiff of Hinduism was proven innocent by the California (USA) Court on April 8, 2013 and the Ohio federal court on August 12, 2014. The courts ruled in favor of the SPH and fined the false victims nearly one million dollars in fines. This is also recognized by Mr. Geoffrey Robertson, QC stating: “Both A and B’s claims against PN were dismissed in US cases, with costs and, in A’s case, with damages. Further evidence emerged in the US proceedings to show that the allegations were false.” Many prominent human rights advocates have given independent reports and legal opinions attesting this. Among them is world renowned King’s Counsel from UK Mr. Geoffrey Robertsons advocates have given independent reports and legal opinions attesting this. Among them is world renowned King’s Counsel from UK Mr. Geoffrey Robertson.

Q2: The media has said that he is a fugitive from India and Interpol has issued a red notice. What is the truth? A2: This is False. SPH is not a fugitive. There is no notice issued by Interpol for SPH. Interpol has rejected any requests to issue any notices for him based on evidence that was presented to them. The world renowned human rights advocate and King’s Counsel from UK Mr. Geoffrey Robertson after thorough investigation, says in this report about the persecution that “He did not “jump bail” but was out on bail when he left India as he was entitled to do, and has remained abroad in order to seek asylum because he claims a well-founded fear of persecution.” The SPH is not a fugitive but a persecuted individual whose basic rights were denied. In 2018, the passport authorities did not renew the SPH’s passport even though he is a born Indian citizen and Indian court ordered them to do so. The SPH even appeared in person and submitted the required documents to renew His passport. Further, innumerable attempts were made on the life of the SPH. For all these reasons he was moved to a safe place by His disciples and followers. Q3: The media portrays him as a fake guru / “self-styled�� godman. A3: The reviver of Kailasa, Jagatguru Mahasannidhanam (SPH) Sri Nithyananda Paramashivam has been formally initiated, trained, anointed by competent traditional Hindu authorities who have come in established legitimate Hindu lineages (See coronation of the SPH). He was recognized at a young age as an incarnation as per Hinduism, much like how the Dalai Lama was recognized as an incarnation as per Tibetan Buddhism. His teachings are based on core ancient Hindu scriptures. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxL7HAI_Y84 Q4: What is Kailasa and what does it stand for? A4: Kailasa is a revival of the ancient enlightened Hindu civilizational nation, operating through NGOs. It was established much in the spirit of a country like the Sovereign Order of Malta, a borderless service oriented nation. In many countries across the world, people inspired by the SPH have started organizations to share his teachings. Its vision is “Living Enlightenment for all” leading to global peace irrespective of any external differences including gender, race, nationality, color, caste, creed, etc. It is established on the principle of “Oneness” (“Advaita” in Sanskrit). Please visit www.kailaasa.org for further information. Now to the questions you asked: Q1: To begin, please tell me about yourself. I’d love to know where you were born, where you grew up, where you were educated, how you became involved with United States of Kailasa, and how you rose to your current position in the country. In fact, what is your position? A1: I grew up in Mauritius and completed my Cambridge O and A Levels there. Later, I pursued my BSc (Hons) in Microbiology at the University of Manitoba in Canada. Although I was raised as a Hindu, I never had access to formal education on the religion, which was a source of frustration for me. It seemed that authentic sources were hard to come by, and misinformation was rampant. That's when I discovered SPH, and everything changed. I realized how little I actually knew about my own religion, and how much I had been missing out on. Through the SPH’s teachings I was able to delve deep into the ancient science of enlightenment of Hinduism (including yoga, enlightenment and self-empowerment). Most importantly, SPH fights for gender equality in religion and women’s empowerment, which was very important to me as a woman. It was through this experience that I decided to become a Hindu nun, or sanyasi, of the Sovereign Order of Kailasa. I'm now dedicated to the welfare of humanity and global peace, guided by SPH's teachings. Today, I serve as KAILASA's Permanent Ambassador to the UN, spreading the message of SPH, KAILASA and promoting the values of ancient Hindu science of enlightenment to the world and working for global peace. Q2: How did you meet Swami Nithyananda? What is particularly special about him? What have been some of your favorite moments with Swami Nithyananda? A2: In 2013, I came across the Youtube channel (https://www.youtube.com/@NithyanandaTV) of Jagatguru Mahasannidhanam (SPH) Bhagavan Nithyananda Paramashivam, and was immediately struck by His inspiring videos. His deep knowledge of the ancient sciences and philosophies of Hinduism, as described in the scriptures of Hinduism, felt like a breath of fresh air. The SPH has decoded and demsytified the most complex theology of science of living enlightenment and made it easily applicable for each of us in everyday life. SPH fights for gender equality in religion and society from the depths of the Hindu tradition and women’s empowerment, which was very important to me as a woman. But as I delved deeper, I discovered that there were numerous allegations made against Him. However, after conducting my own research, I realized that SPH was being persecuted for His efforts to revive authentic Hinduism along with gender equality, unite Hindus, and speak out against the centuries-long ethnocide and genocide of Hindus across the world. Despite facing persistent persecution for over a decade, SPH continued to tirelessly, unwaveringly serve humanity through His spiritual and humanitarian efforts. I was amazed by His resilience and dedication to His cause. Every penny earned by the SPH is only given back to the society in multifold. In May 2014, I had the opportunity to meet SPH in Varanasi, India as a participant in a program along with thousands of attendees from more than 50 countries. It was an incredible honor and a life-changing experience for me. Q3: I love your tattoo. Can you tell me when you got it, where the tattoo was done and what made you decide to get it? Also: How has the tattoo impacted you? A3: I had this tattoo done back in 2016, shortly after my experience with the SPH in a program with thousands of attendees. It was a powerful moment that brought me back to my roots and made me feel truly confident about my Hindu identity. The SPH has had a profoundly positive impact on my life, and this tattoo serves as a daily reminder of that. It's a symbol of gratitude to Him, and a tribute to the transformative power of spiritual experiences. Q4: How did United States of Kailasa get involved with becoming the sister city of Newark? What was your role in that? How did you enjoy being there for the meeting? A4: Our sister city relationships aim to promote our humanitarian services and promote global peace through better understanding of diverse cultures. Organizations representing Kailasa, have established sister city relationships with many cities around the world, including Newark. It is important to clarify that Kailasa and its representatives have not frauded anyone, nor are we fake. We are a legitimate organization established on teachings of an established religion, in pursuit of serving humanity. Our hope is that the independent western media will not parrot false narratives from our detractors. We remain committed to our purpose towards global peace. Q5: What would the arrangement have accomplished? What caused it to not happen? Were you disappointed? Is it Newark’s loss? A5: We remain firmly committed to our purpose and we remain committed to global peace. Q6: Please tell me about your appearance at the UN. In Geneva, right? How did it come about? What was your role in the presentation? What were you conveying? How did it go? Who did you get to meet there? What did you think of the people you met and your experience? What does it accomplish for your country? What does Swami Nithyananda make of it all? How did he respond to what happened in Newark? A6: On February 22, 2023 at the 84th session of the Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW) and on February 24, 2023 at a discussion regarding the General Comment on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights and Sustainable Development at the United Nations in Geneva, a delegation of women from the United States of KAILASA presented a comprehensive report shedding light on the centuries of ethnocide of Hindu Women, Cultural Genocide of Female Monastic Orders, and disempowerment of women via false representation of Hinduism. We took this opportunity to be the voice for Hindu persecution and we touched briefly on the persecution of SPH and Kailasa. Q7: Can you please tell me how United States of Kailasa was formed. Where is it located? Are there any great historical moments? What role does Swami Nithyananda play in the country and its government? How would you describe the governing philosophy? A7: The SPH is a reviver of Kailasa in the sense that he believes in creating communities around the world that join hands in creating an enlightened world. In 1981 when the SPH was three, he was recognized as an incarnation by competent traditional religious authorities in Hinduism. Due to strategic and continuous disinformation, and false media narratives by hinduphobics he faced constant threats to his life. That is when a group of his disciples decided to move SPH to a safe and secure place for his own safety. In 2018, the SPH openly declared to the world about reviving Kailasa. Kailasa was established much in the spirit of a country like the Sovereign Order of Malta, a borderless service oriented nation. Please visit www.kailaasa.org for further information. Around the world, there are numerous organizations that are inspired by the vision of Kailasa which teach yoga, meditation and self-empowerment as taught by the SPH from the Ancient Hindu scriptures. Q8: Thank you. Should I send these questions to you via email? Is it okay for me to refer to Supreme Pontiff of Hinduism, Nithyananda Paramashivan, as Swami Nithyandana? If that is incorrect, I apologize and I will adjust. Thank you. A8: Our religious tenements, and the official and appropriate way to address is SPH, Supreme Pontiff of Hinduism. From Hinduism’s point of view, the primacy of SPH is derived as SPH has been recognized by religious authorities as an incarnation of Paramashiva, the Primordial Hindu Divinity. Q9: Thank you, Vijaypriya. Can you tell me the other places in which you have Sister City relationships and can you tell me what you think happened with the Newark situation to make it not work out (as I understand it)? Thank you so much. A9: USK has several sister cities relationships across the globe including in the United States, Africa and Europe. Our goal is to unite the world for global peace. I am happy to answer any questions related to the persecution of Kailasa and the SPH. We also request that all media outlets contact us through the email provided to hear our side of the story before spreading disinformation and inciting violence through hate speech. Sincerely, Vijayapriya Nithyananda Press Office of the Holy See of Hinduism contact@kailaasa.org unmission@gov.kailaasa.org Apply for FREE E-Citizenship of Kailasa : https://kailaasa.org/e-citizen/

[undobutton]

Love Expert! Aaravi x Reader

warnings: Swearing, food mention

genre: fluff! established relationship

wc: 502

characters: Aaravi Mishra, Hex

synopsis: Hex teases Aarvi about her feelings for you.

a/n: this is for @whoneedscoffeeanyway who requested Aaravi fluff a while ago. I'm sorry for taking so long love, hope this is to your liking!

Aaravi? Expressing positive emotions?? Out loud???? 

No. Of course not. The flying pigs aren’t scheduled until next week. 

But! Hex telling you all Aaravi’s feelings is just a normal Friday night.

“Shut up Hex!” 

And this is a normal Friday night. One where you and Aaravi are stuck doing what Hex wants, and that is watching tv, eating pizza, and causing dear Ravi slight mental distress. 

“It’s not like they don’t know your feelings, Ravi. You’re dating them.”

“That's different!” The slayer pouts.

“No. It isn’t.” Hex counters.

“Yes it is! How would you know? You don’t even love anyone!”

“Yes I do. My love for the everything bagel knows no bounds.”

“That doesn’t count!”

“Since when do you get to decide what’s love and what isn't? You only ever deny your feelings for your lovely little player 2.”

“Only I call them that!” She blushes. “Ugh! And It’s not like you are any expert either.”

“Well actually in the state of California-”

This is going nowhere and you have unfortunately gotten sucked into the show the three if you are supposed to be watching. So, as per usual you need to come up with a way to resolve this silly problem.

Leaning on Aaravi’s shoulder, silencing her, you begin.

“Hex, wasn’t this all your idea? Now we’re almost to the season finale and you and Aaaravi have been arguing this whole time.” You sigh from the crook of Ravi's neck.

“... You’re not wrong. But this show is boring, since I've seen it four times already.  I’m gonna go nap in Ravi’s skull. Peace!” And with that Hex is gone. Leaving you and Aaravi (more or less) alone.

“Thanks” your girlfriend mumbles, taking a slice from the Pizza box on the coffee table in front of you. and bringing it to your mouth. 

“Here, to keep your energy up.”

You take the pizza happily and munch away as the show plays on. 

Time passes and Aaravi grows equally interested in the TV. But her attention fades onto you, and you can only ignore the holes she’s staring into your head for so long. As you turn to her she frowns. But before you can speak, she starts to talk.

“You know how I feel about you and shit already right? Cause that cutscene was not something I really want to relive.” 

You chuckle. “Yes Aaravi I know of your undying love for me.” 

She lets out a huff. Cheeks glowing pink. 

“G-good. Our relationship is a stat boost I have grown a little to comfortable with for  a misuderstanding to fuck everything over. Especially since we both worked so hard on it… and my therapist says I should be more upfront with my feelings.”

“Aw, I love you too… player 1.”

“Shut up! and spoon me. It’s cold.”

You do. pulling her in by the waist and nuzzling her head. Maybe today wasn’t a normal Friday night afterall. But this is way better than that. Isn’t it?

Oh! and you get +2 Charm and +1 Smarts. 

Thanks for reading! reblogs greatly appreciated! -button🌺

[aizawaslovebot]

NOW PLAYING: the ex factor by iwaizumi hajime

—reader pronouns: he/him

—warnings: curse words ; had to be cut into two parts bec i want it that way ><

—summary: desperate times mean desperate measures, and y/n l/n is definitely the embodiment of desperate. eager to make his ex jealous for reasons undisclosed (read as: he's just petty), he asks his long-time best friend, iwaizumi hajime, to pretend as his boyfriend.

—note: the second part will be out in 3 days! VERY SORRY FOR THE VERY LONG WAIT UHU

TAGLIST: OPEN ; send an ask to be added even if you've already sent an ask back then!! because all that i could recall is @ohmygodronnie2020 and @beyond-the-mxxn

<- the sweetheart playlist | part i | part ii ->

Iwaizumi Hajime should’ve trusted his gut when it went crazy at the sight of you, Y/N L/N, whose eyes held a very mischievous glint that Iwa hated. He also should’ve turned you down immediately the moment you opened your mouth. Iwa definitely should’ve reprimanded you for roping him into this stupid plan.

Sadly, all he’s doing is crying over spilt milk.

He could remember it like it was yesterday. Years of dealing with Shittykawa meant that he knew when bullshit was about to happen. He thought going to California meant finally meeting someone who isn't an idiot on the daily. You were his contradiction. You were his idiot— basically like Shittykawa’s younger, much more mischievous brother.

Honestly, did Iwaizumi only attract idiots?

On the days you aren’t going on and on and on about why the government should be overthrown or why the both of you should buy a frog table for your shared dorm, he found you to be a nice guy. The people Iwa has met always had a hidden layer to them and you were one of them. Shittykawa was one too. Though Iwa wishes he didn’t introduce the both of you to each other— you become an unstoppable ball of everything annoying when you talk to each other.

But I digress. Iwa isn’t here to cry over why he only had chaos for best friends. Iwa is here because you, Y/N L/N, while you happened to be Iwa’s contradiction for all things he considered his norm, had asked him a very big favor.

“No,” Iwaizumi grunts, regretting even entertaining the male’s request. He could see your (h/c) hair bob as you groan out of frustration. Unbeknownst to the male, you were mulling over using what has to be Iwa’s biggest weakness: your very adorable puppy eyes.

“Iwa-chaaaan,” You sniff, putting on doe-eyes for Iwa to see, “I really want to make him jealous.”

Iwa sighs, subtly turning away so he didn’t have to see the tear-stained cheeks and the glossy eyes. The poor male was about to speak, pointing out that you had been influenced by Oikawa with the damn nickname, but he was cut off.

“He hurt me a lot, y’know?” You started to well up, for real this time, “I just wanted revenge…”

Iwa sighs again but he noticeably softens, opening his arms to let you cry while he hugs you. As you wept, you accepted his gesture and immediately let yourself be engulfed in your best friend’s arms. “You’ve yet to tell me why you two broke up, dumbass,” Iwa chided, though it was lighthearted.

“Zumi, is this your backhanded way of saying yes?” You asked, but your voice was muffled by his chest.

Iwa sighs for the nth time that day as he finally resigns to his fate, “Yes.”

That encounter was a week ago. You gave Iwaizumi enough time to prepare and regret his life choices. Honestly, he should’ve predicted that his idiot timed things perfectly so that your stupid plan would take place on the university-wide party the following week. Iwa could proudly say that most of his predictions were accurate and on point. Then again, his predictions were futile anyway— the best example could be his judgement on your then-boyfriend, Akuma Azamuku.

The brunette could clearly remember how he was able to discern more than enough red flags from just meeting the god forsaken guy. It was annoying how blind you could be when you’re heads over heels in love with the wrong people. Were you not really able to see how toxic this… Akuma guy is? Terrible name too, might he add. Iwaizumi would rather you date him than this devil spawn.

But he didn’t move a muscle. Iwaizumi didn’t move a muscle especially after that thought emerged from his head. What in Godzilla’s name was he thinking anyway?

Even if he could celebrate his on-point prediction on how much of an ass the spawn of Satan was, he couldn’t exactly bring himself to mock you with an angry ‘’I told you so!” Not when it meant that your damn ex-boyfriend cheated on you, covering it up by saying that he wasn’t actually gay. Not when it meant that you had been used. Not when it meant that you, his idiot, were hurt. His idiot was hurt.

“You’re being a martyr again, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa tutted through the phone, tactlessly commenting once the brunette finished relaying what was going on.

The male snorted, “What are you on, this time, Shittykawa?”

“Don’t turn this on me, you idiot.”

How the hell was Iwaizumi the idiot? No. He’s lived with idiots his entire life but he wasn’t one. If anything, both of his friends were the idiots. Not him.

“Selflessly complying with dear (N/N)’s outrageous request, regardless of how much it hurts you. Tsk, Iwaizumi Hajime. You’re one big idiot,” Oikawa sighed.

Iwaizumi scoffs at his friend’s claim, “Why the hell will helping him out hurt me? Shittykawa, did you leave your single brain cell in Miyagi?” The brunette growls, annoyed at the way Oikawa avoided giving him the straight answer.

“Iwa-chan,” Iwaizumi’s breath hitches as he hears the next words, “you’re in love with (N/N), aren’t you?”

Iwaizumi Hajime was, in fact, an idiot.

He was an idiot for realizing it much later than wanted; for allowing Shittykawa, of all people, to know this one fact before him; and for opening an avenue for bigger wounds because all he wanted was to help his best friend. He probably had to be the biggest idiot among the three— and that’s saying a lot… like more than a lot.

The soon-to-be trainer could hear his pro best friend sigh in response to his stunned silence. Iwa concludes that it was weird to be on the receiving end of a tired sigh but he doesn’t utter a word. Not even after Oikawa begins to speak again. “I can’t even bring myself to tease you tonight… or today… or whatever time it is there, Iwa-chan. What will you do now?”

Iwaizumi wasn’t the type to let himself get involved in petty things like this nor does he let himself go against judgement. That is, if you weren't in the question. The brunette was very sure that you were his contradiction— unknowingly forcing him to go against all the boundaries Iwa had set and done. You, also a trainer in the making, could easily be the death of Iwaizumi Hajime. But if it’s you, then he’d gladly embrace this death.

“I’m going.”

Those two words were a lot harder to say than the tired male liked to admit. So as he ends the dreadful phone call with Oikawa, he secretly hopes that next week will never come.

Even if Iwaizumi tried his hardest to deny, next week actually came. Not that it was a surprise. No one could stop the turning of time, the rotation of the Earth, nor the ticking of the clock. How the hell would he even stop next week from coming? Heck, Iwaizumi couldn’t even stop you from this stupid revenge quest that you had set.

Pretend to be his boyfriend, you said. It would be easy to do anyway, you said. We’ll be in and out in a jiffy, you said.

To hell with all the lies that you had promised. It was beyond Iwaizumi’s skills and strength to pretend to be someone you romantically loved when he actually wanted it to be true. The Aoba Johsai Iwaizumi would’ve dipped; Iwaizumi from last year would’ve never pushed through. But here he is, standing in front of the mirror in your shared dorm, preparing to do what he deemed an impossible feat.

You will always be Iwaizumi Hajime’s contradiction. And at this point, he isn’t sure whether it was a good or a bad thing. All Iwa knows is that this will soon end and like the way next week came, tomorrow will soon be today.

So all Iwaizumi could do is psych himself up to do impossible— the same way he had convinced himself he was an ace in volleyball or the same way he gave himself assurance with his college application— and push through with the plan.

I can do this. I’m Iwaizumi Hajime, former volleyball ace and soon, an athletic trainer. I’ve dealt with Shittykawa all my life. I was able to get into a college in California by myself. This should be easy. I can do this.

“Should I wear this, ‘zumi?” You call out from the bathroom, holding two slightly different tops for Iwa to see. The way the brunette spluttered at the sight of a half-naked you was embarrassing to say the least, but Iwaizumi was thankful that you had been too engrossed to even notice the reddening of his ears. ‘God damn it, Hajime. Half-naked Y/N isn’t new,’ he chastised himself mentally as he coughs. “Use the darker one,” was Iwaizumi’s curt reply.

I can do this.

You should not have lit up at his answer like that. The sight gave Iwaizumi more joy than he liked to admit. Nothing could ever top what you said next though.

I c-can do this...

“Oh! This one matches yours too! We look good together, huh?”

I cannot do this.

“Idiot,” Iwaizumi sighs to mask his flustered state, “just shut up and wear it already.” You only laugh in response, already used to Iwaizumi’s brash way of dealing with things. “Alright, puddin’. Just wait. You can’t rush art,” You reply sarcastically, using the other nickname that Iwa had begun to dread.

Iwa resorts to the comfort of his phone— or rather, he uses the phone to conceal the undying pink on his cheeks so you wouldn’t see. Maybe if he spared a minute before he did so, he would’ve seen that you were equally flustered; seemingly embarrassed to have said what you had in their conversation. But it is what it is, and Iwaizumi has to continue his emotional constipation without ever knowing that had ever happened.

You take Iwa’s hand in yours before you lead Iwa out of your dorm and to wherever the god forsaken party was. “What’s with the skinship?” Iwa asks, though the way he adjusts the grip so it would be comfortable didn’t go unnoticed. Maybe he had started to like the prospect of this whole fake dating fiasco because it let him taste of what could’ve been instead of just wondering how it felt.

“Nothing you’re not used to, puddin’. And uh… uh… this way we could look like an actual couple,” You stammer and avoid eye contact, your hand still in Iwa’s warmth though.

If Iwaizumi hadn’t been too distracted, too haunted by the reminder that this was just pretend, then he would’ve noticed that you had seemed unsure, seemed too engrossed in the feeling of your hands together that you weren’t able to make a great excuse. He once again resigns to what has been destined. “The Y/N L/N I know doesn’t do things half-assed,” Iwa claims as he drops their hands, “By that logic this should be okay right? So people would really think we’re together.”

‘It isn’t okay,’ You croak internally. Iwa decided to go against all things normal by doing this… this very compromising position that ensured the two of you looked like nothing else but a couple. Iwa decided, despite not knowing how much damage it would bring to your poor heart, to wrap an arm around your waist.

Unknown to the soon-to-be trainer, you were just as, if not more, smitten with him as Iwa was with you. You almost revealed the reason behind your bad break-up and even let Iwa see that he had this much of an effect on you. So this, to see Iwa be so into the role of his pretend boyfriend, both flustered and somehow hurt you.

You didn’t know why it hurt though.

“You okay there, dumbass? ” Iwa asks, getting too close to your face and being far too concerned than your heart could’ve handled.

Everything about this was confusing. Both of your minds were having their own storms as the both of you stumbled upon this new, confusing field in between friendship and romance. Closeness with Iwa wasn’t new to you at all. Him lightly calling you dumb wasn’t new at all. So why, in God’s name, did your ribcage feel like breaking apart from the very loud beating of your heart?

If Iwa had to ask himself the same question he asked you, he would’ve gotten a big ‘NO’ from himself. Initiating skinship to this extent made Iwa’s brain malfunction. Not only that, but the feeling of your waist was very much heavenly and mind-boggling. To put a cherry on top of the sundae called “Iwaizumi Hajime’s gay panicking,” the speechless and cute expression you had was too much for his heart.

Turns out that you would answer the same as Iwa, not that the brunette knew though.

This plan of yours started on the right course. Your dick of an ex did cheat on you and you wanted to make him regret ever even thinking of using you as a scapegoat from his problems. It was common sense to ask for the aid of your best friend, right? He, of all people, would know you and understand you best. So when did your fake dating extravaganza take its turn? At what point did this plan converge into something different?

In other words, did you still want to make your ex jealous? Or did you want to see how it would feel to date your best friend?

Time did not let you answer the many questions that formed in your pretty head. Before either of you knew it, you’ve arrived at the party.

You turn to look at Iwa, who was somehow already gazing at you with that intense fire in his eyes, and nod.

It’s showtime.

—reblogging helps a lot !! thank you for reading !!

[writingsbymarie]

Surfs up - JJ Maybank x reader

Pairing: JJ Maybank x Female!reader

Word count: 3,128 (I got a bit carried away)

Warnings: lots of fluff, a steamy make out, and swearing

Summary: JJ is in desperate need of a job, and you have a dream to learn to surf. What happens when you offer JJ a job for your dad with a wage he can’t say no to as long as he teaches you how to surf. 

A/n: send in requests for JJ and Rafe, and I’d also be willing to write for John B. and Pope. Also I’ve only been surfing a couple times so if I got some stuff wrong I apologize, I’m just going off what my dad taught me last time we went on vacation to California. 

All you wanted to do was learn how to surf. You begged your dad to buy you a board, and after weeks of trying to convince him he finally gave in. Most likely because you would mention how you wanted one every chance you could. Unfortunately though none of your friends had any desire to surf instead they preferred to swim in their pools or play golf at the country club. You were determined to learn how to surf, but you were also too scared to do it alone which put you in a bit of a predicament. 

You were currently at the surf hot spot sitting on a towel next to your brand new board watching the surfers from a distance. You didn’t see a familiar face until you saw a certain blonde boy you recognized from parties. You knew his name was JJ, you also were aware that he was troublemaker, and  he was a pogue and you knew that, but he was a damn good surfer. You watched him ride practically every wave, and you were truly impressed, and the moment he stepped out of the water you decided that you would ask him to teach you. You lifted yourself from the towel and made your way towards the soaking wet boy. 

“Hey, you’re JJ right” you asked, startling him. His eyes were looking at you like you were crazy. 

“Um yes why are you talking to me” he questioned.

“Well for one I have a right to talk to anyone I want, and I need your help” you stated and he just stared at you dumbfoundingly. 

“What makes you think I would help you with anything kook” he scuffed.

“I want you to teach me how to surf” you said standing a confident front.

“Yeah, definitely not, I don’t have time to teach you how to surf because I just lost my job, and even if I didn’t just lose my job I would rather drown than have to spend time with a selfish kook like you” he retorted and began to walk away. You weren’t going to lie that kind of hurt. You usually weren’t talked to like that and for some reason you were really upset that he hated you, and he didn’t even know you. Although he hurt your feelings you were determined to make this work. You remembered your dad was looking for some to tend to the boat and do yard work, so you were going to offer him a job with a high starting price you’d convince your dad to pay him under the condition that he taught you how to surf. 

“I can get you a job that pays really well” you blurted, and he whipped his head to turn back and look at you.

“What” 

“My dad is looking for someone to tend to our boats, and do yard work type of stuff, and I can convince him to pay whatever you ask as long as it's reasonable” you declared. 

“I’m assuming the catch is I have to teach you how to surf” he guessed, walking back towards you. 

“You would 100% correct JJ, and my board is already here, so we can even start today” you smiled hopefully, and JJ couldn’t help but admire your determination. 

“Fine, and then after that we settle this job thing” he nodded, and he followed you to your board.

“So I waxed it like the internet said, and I’ve watched videos, but the reason I asked you is because I’d rather have someone helping me in real life to make sure I don’t drown” you laughed picking up your surfboard. 

“None of your kook friends are willing to surf” he smirked, and you turned around rolling your eyes to see him sitting on your towel obviously checking you out. 

“No, and eyes on my face buddy” and he just laughed. You started to walk towards the water and he didn’t follow. “Are you coming” you yelled.

“I don’t know where you're going, but if you never surfed before I have to teach you how to get up outside the water first” 

“And you decided to let me walk away instead of telling me” you snapped stomping back towards him.

“It's a nice view when you walk away” he flirted, and you rolled your eyes.

“You’re disgusting” you spat, but started laughing, and he laughed along with you. He grabbed the board from you and placed it on the sand. He placed his board next to yours, and laid down on it. He then looked up at you gesturing to you the same. You got down on the board, and laid down then turning your head to face him. 

“Alright so It’s quite simple getting up, the hard part is balancing” he explained. “So what you are going to do is place both your hands on the board, and then you are going to use you arms to push yourself up almost like a jump, and once you get both of your feet planted you lift your hands up, and try to balance as best as you can” he showed you the motions after explaining, and you were paying attention, but you couldn’t help but watch the way his muscles contracted. The boy was hot that's for sure, and you couldn’t deny that. “Alright now you try”

You placed your hands on the board, and bounced up standing on both your feet, and looked at him to see his reaction. “So how was that” you asked.

“Good but you have to stand more like this” he suggested trying to show you, but you weren’t getting it. He walked up to you and it looked like he wanted to touch you to help your position because he was hesitant. 

“You know you can touch me I don’t bite” you laughed, and his face got a bit red which made your heart skip a beat. He grabbed both your arms placing them how they should be. He then instantly grabbed your bare waist moving it to the side. Everywhere he touched made your skin feel on fire. You hadn’t realized it, but you haven’t been touched by a boy in ages, and you were craving touch which intensified the feeling even more. Once he was satisfied with your position he stepped back, and told you to try again, but  have this be your ending position. You tried again multiple times until you finally got it, and you ecstatic. You gave JJ a high five, and jumped back on the board doing it again. “So can we try in the water now?” you asked. 

“Not today” he said and you frowned. “But tomorrow we will because I got to get home, and tomorrow I hope you will have everything settled about the job”

“Of course I’ll meet you here tomorrow at 12:00 sharp got it” 

“Sounds good to me princess” he winked, adn with that he picked up his board and left the beach, leaving you wanting more.

--

It was 11:45 and you were already at the beach. Your dad had agreed to hire JJ at the rate he wanted since he was also teaching you how to surf, and he told you to bring JJ over to start after your surfing lesson. You placed the surfboard on the sand, and began practicing what you did yesterday, when you heard a voice from behind you. 

“Ah you’re a great student, getting here early, and practicing” he laughed, and you turned around sticking your tongue out.

“I’m extremely determined” you stated.

“I can tell,” he chuckled. 

“You said we can go into the water today so where's your board” you asked.  

“I’m teaching you how to surf, I'm not surfing with you. I’m gonna take you out in the water, and push the board for you to help you get momentum” he said while he took his shirt off. You tried so hard not to watch, but you couldn’t help yourself. You were practically gawking at his body, but before you could tell you shook your head looking down at the ground. You already had the rope attached to your board around your ankle, and you had your board held to the side. He began walking towards the water, and you followed suit. You enter the water and the cold makes you shiver. Once you got about waist deep JJ had you get on the board. 

“Alright there aren’t big waves today so this is a perfect day for a beginner. Once I see a potential wave I’ll push you, and I’m going to have you paddle, and try to get up. You aren’t going to get it right away so don’t get too frustrated Y/n” 

“Sounds good to me” you smiled. Once JJ got you far enough into the water he stopped, and was holding onto your board using it to float as you waited. 

“So what got you so inspired to learn to surf” he asked. His face was pretty close to yours because he was using the front of your board to float. 

“My brother is going to college in Hawaii right now, and he surfs literally all the time, and whenever we talk he tells me how amazing, and cool it is. I just want to be able to do it so when I go visit him or when he comes home I can show him that I can do something besides tan at the pool since he seems to think I can’t do anything besides that” you ranted as the board went over small waves.

“So you’re learning how to surf to prove a point” he asked. 

“Well kind of, and I don’t want people to think I’m just your usual kook who doesn’t challenge themselves to do anything, and gets everything handed to them” you sighed.

“I admire that you know, thats says a lot about you as a person, and I haven’t met really any kooks with that mind set”

“So you don’t hate me” you asked

“I never said I hated you”

“I don’t know” you trailed “our first interaction you definitely seemed like you hated me”

“Well now I know you're not the average kook so I tolerate you” he laughed, and you rolled your eyes playfully pushing him from the board. He went under for a second and then popped back up looking into the horizon. “Looks like we got some good waves coming” 

“Finally” you laughed. 

“Remember what I said, once you are riding the wave and feel ready try, and stand up like we were doing on the beach no fancy moves just ride the wave straight to shore and i'll meet you where you fall okay” 

“Sounds good” and with that he began to push you and you paddled, and began to get carried by the wave. You felt ready, and placed your hands on the board, and tried jumping up, and the second you released your hand you went crashing into the water the board flying in the air. You swam to the surface, and you heard JJ holler.

“Are you okay”

“Yep” you yelled back, swimming to meet him halfway. 

“Alright so now I’m actually going to teach you to duck dive so when we are coming out, and there are actually waves you won’t get toppled by them” he said and you nodded. “It super simple, so I see some wave coming so when they get to us you are going to push the board down with your hands, and dive under the wave, and don’t worry I’ll help you”

“That sounds much easier than standing up on the board” giggled, and he laughed as well. When the wave came he gave you a reassuring smile, and you held your breath as he helped you dive under the wave. 

After a couple more waves you were able to do it by yourself. You then tried surfing about ten more waves where you stood for one to two seconds, and then wiped out. You were definitely going to have bruises, but you were honestly having fun. It had definitely been over an hour so you told JJ you would try one more wave, and then the two of you would head to your house so JJ could start his job. 

“Alright you ready” he asked.

“My arms, and legs feel like they are going to give out at any moment, but I’m ready as I’ll ever be”, you breathed. 

“I’ll meet you at the shore” he said as he pushed you into the waves. You slowly placed your feet down, and they wobbled a bit, but this time you were able to stand, and you were doing it. It was nothing fancy you were just going straight forward, but you were standing on the board as the wave took you towards the the shore. You could hear JJ cheering you on, and then you jumped off the board once the wave had died swimming to shore a smile from ear to ear. Once JJ reached the shore he gave you a bog smiled, and you ran to him giving him a hug.

“I DID IT” you squealed into his wet body. 

“I’m impressed for a newbie” he laughed when you pulled away, and once your excitement died down you were a bit embarrassed, by your outburst, and the hug. You both stared at each other awkwardly for a second and then you turned around to go dry yourself off. Both you got dressed, and then headed to your jeep, and he took his motorcycle following you to your house. Once you reached your house he took his helmet off walking to the jeep to meet you. 

“My dad is actually quite nice just don’t be a dick, do what he says, and you’ll be fine”

“Yes Ma’am” he replied sarcastically, and you just stared at him annoyed until you both laughed. 

“Also I’m definitely going to be sore tomorrow so surfing lessons will have to resume in couple days”

“Sounds good to me princess just let me know” every time he called you princess it gave you butterflies and you hated it. You walked him to your dad, and introduced the two, and then walked into your room JJ on your mind. You were interested to see where this friendship was going to go. He was much different than your kook friends and you liked that.

--

After about a month you and JJ had gotten pretty close. You were now pretty decent at surfing, and didn’t need a teacher, so now JJ was just surfing with you. You weren’t just surfing anymore either. You would go get smoothies after, and after he was done working the 2 of you would sometimes hang out, and you had for sure developed a pretty big crush on the blonde surfer boy. There was for sure tension between the two of you. It was obvious. The stolen glaces, the unnecessary touches. You felt on cloud nine when you were with him. 

Currently you were tanning on a towel at the beach waiting for JJ to arrive to surf with you. You had on a bikini, and you had sunglasses on. 

“Blue is definitely your color babe” you heard immediately knowing who it was. You sat up taking off your sunglasses to squint and look at JJ. 

“What did I say about checking me out” 

“You wish I checked you out Y/n” he laughed, and you stood up getting close to him, and whispered in his ear.

“No need to be embarrassed I check you out too” and you watched his body go visibly stiff, and when you backed up his face was bright red, and you laughed, and grabbed your surfboard, and headed to the water JJ following behind you. The wave were dead, so once the two of you had paddled far enough you stopped and sat up.

“Do you ever get scared you are going to get attacked by a shark, because I feel like I think about that way too much” you rattled off randomly. 

“I mean I don’t really think about that” he laughed at your randomness. 

“How though, were sitting in an ocean full of sharks that are hungry, and we technically are easy prey since we swim like one mile per hour, and not to mention we look like seals just chilling out here with our boards” you explained 

“I mean when you put it like that I guess I’m a little scared of getting bit by a shark”

“See its a rational fear” you started but JJ pushed you off your board to scare you, and he was bored since no waves were coming. 

“JJ” you squealed, and swam to his board flipping him off, and you went under the water popping up right next to you laughing.

“Sorry I was bored” he laughed, and you playfully wacked him. After your laughter stopped you realized how close you were. Your legs were practically touching, and your faces were inches away from each other. You longed to kiss him, and you craved his touch. You weren’t exactly sure where the confidence you had today was coming from, but you decided to let it go to waste so you connected your lips making JJ eyes widen, but he immediately began to reciprocate the movement of your lips against yours. One of his hands went to your waist pulling you into his body. Your arms wrapped around his neck playing with his wet hair. You wrapped your legs around him, and pulled him as close as possible. One of his hands used his surfboard to hold him up, and the other hesitantly moved from your waist to your ass, and squeezed, and you moaned into the kiss. JJ slipped his tongue into your mouth, and you both battled for dominance, him quickly winning. You pulled away slowly resting your forehead against his. When you opened your eyes he was still closed. He was staying the moment for as long as he could. JJ wanted to do that the second you approached him on the beach a month ago. When he opened his eyes y/e/c met his blue orbs, and you smiled. He smiled back, and kissed you one more time slowly, and full of love.

“So I was right you like me too” you breathed. 

“Was it that obvious” he asked 

“The constant checking me out gave it away” you giggled. 

“How about we surf to shore, and you let me take you out on a date” he said cupping your face, and you melted into his touch. You pecked his lips, and separated from his body.

“Last one there is a rotten egg” you yelled hopping onto your surfboard, and you paddled away a smile on your face, because not only did you get a surfboard you got a boyfriend too. 

[dansantat]

NOW WE ARE TWO: A Eulogy for My Father

Adam U Santat (October 21,1943 - April 27, 2021)

Today is April 27, 2021.

When I was very young and we lived in New Jersey my father took us to the beach and he lifted my tiny frame over his neck and we walked out into the ocean together. My mother watched us from the coast as we wandered 50 yards into the shallow sea. I was terrified of whatever lurked in the water convinced that sharks would come and eat us. My father gripped my legs and whispered, “I’ve got you. You don’t have to be afraid.”

I don’t exactly know why this particular memory rests so clearly in my mind, but it’s a good one. That was my father in a nutshell.

I interviewed my parents for a memoir I’m currently working on. This is what I know of my father. 

He was born in the small village of Khlong Dan, Thailand on October 21, 1943, though the official birth certificate indicates October 27 because of a typo (21 sounds like 27 in Thai)  He was the youngest of nine kids. His parents immigrated from China and started a merchant business. For fear of being racially ostracized by the local Thai people the oldest brother changed their name from “Lim” to “Santativongchai” (he found the word in an old book)

They collected rain water off the storm gutters in order to drink. He didn’t get hie first pair of shoes until he was 10 years old. They were sandals, really. Knowing facts abut Western culture was cool and he had an insatiable desire to learn everything he could about America. Coming to the United States was a dream of his obsessed with Elvis Presley, Paul Anka, and movies like “Shane” He admits to being spoiled by his mother and says he was lazy during most of his childhood, but was gifted in math and science. And he truly was. He attended medical school, paid for by his older sister, Yawanit, and he came to Newark, New Jersey in 1969 to do his internship.

My mother followed a year later

His first car was a Red ‘69 Camaro. No air conditioning. He ran the car into the ground because he was unaware of the fact that you had to change the oil. He never owned a car before then.   

This was the American dream.

I was born in 1975 and they soon made a mass exodus to Southern California along with many of their Thai doctor friends with brief career stops in Wykoff, New Jersey and Hopedale, Illinois until we settled in our newly built four bedroom home in Camarillo, CA. 

He worked for the state of California as a pediatrician, and eventually as a cardiologist, and then a psychiatrist continuing his education over the years to fill the needs of the state. He was an accomplished man in his field.

He loved golf, tennis, and buying things he would see on TV. He loved Ralph Lauren clothing, he owned one of the first Apple computers, and he loved making weekly trips to Los Angeles to buy classical CDs and audio equipment.   

Three weeks ago I stepped inside my parent’s home for the first time in over a year. The COVID-19 Pandemic had kept us apart . “Stay at home. We’ll see each other after this is all over.” my parents told me. 

Under normal circumstances I would happily avoid their company for fear of constant nagging about a plethora of reasons which mostly dealt with my weight, or my political views.   

But this was different. 

My father had been diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer and he returned home to hospice care. My mother was helping him get situated on his favorite couch because he refused to use the hospital bed that hospice had offered him and recommend that he use.

They say that doctors make the worst patients. 

Besides his stubbornness my mother was angry at him for not putting up a fight, turning down Chemotherapy and Immunotherapy and opting to just let the cancer take him. She herself having been a breast cancer survivor over 25 years ago (along with living with lupus for 45 years) could not comprehend the thought of just giving up. But my father knew the odds. He had taken one look at the CT scan and he knew the primary source was in the liver and it has metastasized to the lungs, his jaw, and his pelvis. 

His body was dying but his mind was still as sharp as a tack.

I understood the diagnosis, as well. When speaking to the doctor on the phone he did not mince words by emphasizing quality of life. My father’s days were limited, and I was there to make the most of the time that was left between us before he departed. 

“I have one last question for you before I go.” he said to me.

“Anything. What’s your question, Dad?”

“How much....do you earn annually?”

My mother and I quickly glanced at each other and we both immediately let out a huge laugh. “HA HA HA! You have one last question and that’s what you want to ask me?!”

He was always curious about my finances. 

He is my Asian father. 

Normally, this type of question would be a point of heated contention and it would typically result in an argument at a restaurant, and yet, here he is living his last weeks and he STILL wouldn’t let the question go. And this time, without argument, I simply tell him. 

Why deny a dying man his last wish?

“I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!” he shouts as we all share in a good laugh.

“I have one more question...”

“What is it, Dad?”

“Why do you always get upset when I ask you that question?”

This too would have normally resulted in a heated discussion, but I simply gave him an honest and simple answer, “Because you taught me that it was rude to ask people that question.” And I left it at that.

My mother gets up and heads to the kitchen and it’s in this moment that my father pulls me in closer to discuss more pressing matters. 

“I don’t want you to worry about me. I’ve accepted my fate and I’ve lived a good life. I’m worried about your mom. I want you to take care of her after I’m gone.”

“Of course.”

“I’ve saved up a lot of money. Use it to buy a house with a guest house for her. Make sure it has a big yard so she can do her gardening and she’ll be fine.”

 “I promise, Dad. I’ll spoil her.” 

“Good.”

My mother returns to the family room with an assortment of shirts for my father to wear. I grab a blue button up collared shirt from Tommy Bahama. “This shirt actually isn’t too shabby.”

“It was originally $125 and I got it for $90!”

Always in pursuit of looking his best while also landing a great deal.

He is my Asian father.  

“If you like the shirts they’re yours now. All of this is yours.”

None of the items that my father owned interested me. What interested me was giving him one last amazing experience before he was gone. The one thing my father truly treasured among all his possessions was a one of the finest wine collections I had ever seen. It contained over 500 bottles of wines he had collected over the course of twenty years housed in three separate wine refrigerators, which were spread throughout different rooms in the house and sent their electricity bill skyrocketing to the moon, and my mother’s nerves to the very edge of insanity. 

“Hey, what do you think about going into your wine collection and we drink the most expensive wine you have?”

“No,” he says hesitantly.

“But don’t you want to know what you bought? Don’t you want to at least know what the best wine you own tastes like? I don’t think you should leave this world without enjoying your one great vice in life.”

My father looks away from me and mutters, “No...It’s yours now. All of it.”

This is not how I want it to end. I want him to have one last good memory.

My mother interrupts, “I’m hungry. What are we having for lunch?”

I try to keep my father focused on his bucket list. I’m hoping for just one last memory, “Whatever you want, Dad. My treat.”

He looks at me and says, “I want a Pink’s hot dog.”

My mother and I look at each other in shock. This request from a man who was obsessed with his blood pressure. A man who constantly avoided salt like it was Kryptonite to Superman was now requesting for one of the saltiest most nitrate rich foods in America. 

“With mustard and relish.”

25 minutes later I returned home with three sodium bombs per his request. My father, who hadn’t eaten in three days, grabbed a hold of his hot dog, and ate the entire thing. My father, a man who did everything in his power to stave off death by cardiovascular disease to the point of obsession, was indulging in the one thing he avoided like the plague. 

SALT. 

As I sat on the couch and watched him eat his hot dog I could see the look on his face as he solemnly took each bite thinking, “What was the point of being so scared for all these years?” I took solace in the fact that for the first time in my life, I saw him as a person unafraid.  

 Later that day, a few of his closest friends came over to wish him well. I met them at the front door, “Hey, do me a favor. Can you see if you can make him agree to having one last glass of wine?”

It was a good idea.

HIs friends all walked in, paid their respects, and then peppered him with little hints like, “Hey, how about one last sip of wine before you go?”

My dad finally agreed.

“That fridge has the best stuff!” my dad shouted as he pointed to the fridge closest to the door. 

I was not as knowledgable about fine wines as my dad and his friends were. That’s what Google is for.    

I reached into the back of the fridge and found a bottle of Opus One from 1995. 

This was $600 bottle of wine. It wasn’t his best but it it would do nicely.

The room let out an audible “oooooh” when I entered the room with the bottle.

His best wine glasses were brought out, we each poured a glass, and we toasted my father. We share stories about his life, he boasts to his friends about my accomplishments, and we are basking in a moment of complete harmony.

For this moment in time, I was his perfect Asian son.

He thoughtfully studied the peaks generated by the swirling of the wine on the edge of the glass

“It’s been a good life. No regrets.”

I was glad I could give him this.

This week I bought that house for my mom. I told my father this as I fulfilled his last dying wish while I held his hand.

“I’ve got you, Dad. You don’t have to be afraid.”

“I’ve got you.”

[sh1tbird-shantytown]

this is the second part to “The Letterman Game” 

and i wasn’t going to write another piece because i didn’t want to do something too cliche but i tried because someone wanted it and i won’t deny requests. <3 

now that’s a run on sentence. whew,okay, enjoy

===

They knew the risks. It was the 1980′s for Christ’s sake. It wasn’t like people were all for guys wearing each other’s letterman jackets around every corner. But Billy wanted the fun and Steve liked seeing the ruthless glamour in his eyes whenever they mentioned confronting Tommy. 

“I’m telling you Steve,” Billy flicked the zipper against Steve’s chest up and then watched it reflect the midday sunlight as it dropped back down, “He’ll never see it coming.”

Steve watched Billy as he looked him up and down again, “You’re getting a real kick out of this.”

Billy grinned and met his eye, “You have no idea, Harrington.” Steve leaned back against the Camaro as they waited outside the high school for the their respected child responsibilities. 

“I don’t want to make him jealous.”

Billy dropped his hand from Steve’s collar, “What?”

“I don’t want to,” he folded his arms, “It’s not about that. I want it to be more like a laugh in his face,” Steve looked down at his worn Nike’s, “Because I’ve finally landed someone that’ll stay for once and he’s the one that failed. So he’ll understand that I’m not coming back this time.”

Billy pulled on a lock of chestnut hair, “We’ll make him see who really won huh, Pretty Boy?” Steve smiled and felt his eyelids droop when Billy ran a hand through his hair to push it out of his eyes. 

“You’re not a subtle one, are you, Hargrove?” Steve grinned and leaned into Billy’s planted hand on the side of his head. 

Billy shook his head, “Nope, there’s no one here anyways.”

“You sure about that?” Tommy’s voice popped up from somewhere behind them. Steve guessed it was behind them at least, as Billy glanced in the direction. 

Billy whistled, “Well nevermind,” Steve didn’t look away from him. Didn’t really want to. Because Billy looked damn pleased. “What’re you doing here, Hagan?” Billy jabbed with a light glare.

“Came to ask Harrington why he’s parading around in some California monstrosity. Guess you really did give it to him,” Tommy sounded accusing and Billy’s eyes darkened in a flash.

“I’m no thief, if that’s what you were implying,” Steve spoke up and surveyed Tommy as he walked in front of them. “Plus,” he relaxed his tensed shoulders, “It looks pretty nice on me, don’t you think?” he opened his arms to show it off and then turned to show Billy’s last name. When he turned back Tommy looked affronted and Billy looked proud. All smug and biting as the looked back to Tommy with an unpredictable grin. 

“I know how to take care of my friends,” Billy leaned forward a little as he emphasized his words. They all knew what he really meant, they knew Tommy understood when he grew flushed.

“And how would you know anything about friends? You were flirting with Carol earlier,” he accused and Steve held back a laugh.

“Two natural flirtatious personalities put together will do that, Tom. I’m not worried,” Steve shook his head disbelievingly. Tommy seemed a bit put out at the response. 

Billy put an arm around his shoulder and Steve didn’t hesitate to lean in a little for the comfort, “How do you feel, Tommy?” They both expected him to up and leave with no further comment.

“You’re making a mistake, Steve,” Tommy ignored Billy altogether, “He’s not worth all the shit. He’s a player, Steve. He’ll drop you just like he dropped me after leading it all on.”

“Or like you did?” Steve tilted his head and it landed on Billy’s shoulder, “Because as far as I can tell Billy and I have something even more mutual than what we had for a whole decade and a half.”

Tommy shook his head like he was disappointed at Steve, “You’ll regret it later, he’s not someone you want to keep around.” Steve opened his mouth to stop him, Tommy didn’t get to leave with the thought that it was his fault. And there it was, Steve finally hated him now. Before he was just disappointed and betrayed but now. The audacity Steve saw in him now, how he dared to think he could still sway his decisions now even after all the time Tommy hadn’t even cared to speak to him.

But Billy laughed good naturedly and turned Tommy’s attention away, “No he won’t.”

Steve smiled at the sincerity in his cords, “Yeah, I don’t think I will,” he agreed and they both watched as Tommy droused off shamefully. Shoulders low and face pulled up in refusal. But the refusal was breaking and Steve could see in those last moments that Tommy had finally realized that Steve just didn’t care anymore. Tommy had lost his last chance and now he didn’t have anything left from Steve. There really wasn’t any changing what had already happened. Their link was finally divided.

A moment later, when Tommy was gone from sight, Billy kissed the side of his head and stated, “You can keep the jacket, Stevie. It’s just for you now.”

[transparenttriumphzombie]

Christine Jorgensen (May 30, 1926 – May 3, 1989) was an American transgender woman who was the first person to become widely known in the United States for having sex reassignment surgery. Jorgensen grew up in the Bronx, New York City. Shortly after graduating from high school in 1945, she was drafted into the U.S. Army during World War II. After her military service, she attended several schools and worked; it is during this time she learned about sex reassignment surgery. Jorgensen traveled to Europe, and in Copenhagen, Denmark, obtained special permission to undergo a series of operations beginning in 1952.

She returned to the United States in the early 1950s and her transition was the subject of a New York Daily News front-page story. She became an instant celebrity, known for her directness and polished wit, and used the platform to advocate for transgender people. She also worked as an actress and nightclub entertainer and recorded several songs. Jorgensen often lectured on the experience of being transgender and published an autobiography in 1967.

Jorgensen was the second child of carpenter and contractor George William Jorgensen, Sr., and his wife Florence Davis Hansen, and given a male name at birth. She was raised in the Belmont neighborhood of the Bronx, New York City. She later described herself as having been a "frail, blond, introverted little boy who ran from fistfights and rough-and-tumble games".

Jorgensen graduated from Christopher Columbus High School in 1945 and was soon drafted into the U.S. Army at the age of 19. After being discharged from the Army, she attended Mohawk Valley Community College in Utica, New York,[5] the Progressive School of Photography in New Haven, Connecticut, and the Manhattan Medical and Dental Assistant School in New York City. She also worked briefly for Pathé News.

Returning to New York after military service, and increasingly concerned over, as one obituary later called it, a "lack of male physical development", Christine Jorgensen heard about sex reassignment surgery. She began taking estrogen in the form of ethinylestradiol and started researching the surgery with the help of Joseph Angelo, the husband of a classmate at the Manhattan Medical and Dental Assistant School. Jorgensen intended to go to Sweden, where the only doctors in the world who then performed the surgery were located. During a stopover in Copenhagen to visit relatives, she met Christian Hamburger, a Danish endocrinologist and specialist in rehabilitative hormonal therapy. Jorgensen stayed in Denmark and underwent hormone replacement therapy under Hamburger's direction. She chose the name Christine in honor of Hamburger.

She obtained special permission from the Danish Minister of Justice to undergo a series of operations in that country. On September 24, 1951, surgeons at Gentofte Hospital in Copenhagen performed an orchiectomy on Jorgensen. In a letter to friends on October 8, 1951, she referred to how the surgery affected her:

As you can see by the enclosed photos, taken just before the operation, I have changed a great deal. But it is the other changes that are so much more important. Remember the shy, miserable person who left America? Well, that person is no more and, as you can see, I'm in marvelous spirits.

In November 1952, doctors at Copenhagen University Hospital performed a penectomy. In Jorgensen's words, "My second operation, as the previous one, was not such a major work of surgery as it may imply."

She returned to the United States and eventually obtained a vaginoplasty when the procedure became available there. The vaginoplasty was performed under the direction of Angelo, with Harry Benjamin as a medical adviser. Later, in the preface of Jorgensen's autobiography, Harry Benjamin gave her credit for the advancement of his studies. He wrote, "Indeed Christine, without you, probably none of this would have happened; the grant, my publications, lectures, etc."

The New York Daily News ran a front-page story on December 1, 1952, under the headline "Ex-GI Becomes Blonde Beauty", announcing (incorrectly) that Jorgensen had become the recipient of the first "sex change". This type of surgery had previously been performed by German doctors in the late 1920s and early 1930s. Dorchen Richter and Danish artist Lili Elbe, both patients of Magnus Hirschfeld at the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft in Berlin, were known recipients of such operations in 1930–31.

After her surgeries, Jorgensen originally stated that she wanted a quiet life of her own design, but once returning to the United States, the only way she could manage to earn a living was by making public appearances. Jorgensen was an instant celebrity when she returned to New York in February 1953. A large crowd of journalists met her as she came off her flight, and despite the Danish royal family being on the same flight, they were largely ignored in favor of her. Soon after her arrival, she launched a successful nightclub act and appeared on TV, radio, and theatrical productions. The first of a five-part authorized account of her story was written by Jorgensen herself in a February 1953 issue of The American Weekly, titled "The Story of My Life" and in 1967, she published her autobiography, Christine Jorgensen: A Personal Autobiography, which sold almost 450 thousand copies.

The publicity following her transition and gender reassignment surgery became "a model for other transsexuals for decades. She was a tireless lecturer on the subject of transsexuality, pleading for understanding from a public that all too often wanted to see transsexuals as freaks or perverts ... Ms Jorgensen's poise, charm, and wit won the hearts of millions." However, over time the press was much less fascinated by her and started to scrutinize her much more harshly. She was often asked by print medias if she would pose nude in their publications.

Knox and Jorgensen after being denied a marriage license, April 1959. After her vaginoplasty, Jorgensen planned to marry labor union statistician John Traub, but the engagement was called off. In 1959 she announced her engagement to typist Howard J. Knox in Massapequa Park, New York, where her father had built her a house after her reassignment surgery. However, the couple was unable to obtain a marriage license because Jorgensen's birth certificate listed her as male. In a report about the broken engagement, The New York Times reported that Knox had lost his job in Washington, D.C., when his engagement to Jorgensen became known.

After her parents died, Jorgensen moved to California in 1967. She left behind the ranch home built by her father in Massapequa and settled at the Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles, California, for a period of time. It was also during this same year that Jorgensen published her autobiography, Christine Jorgensen: A Personal Autobiography, which chronicled her life experiences as a transsexual and included her own personal perspectives on major events in her life.

During the 1970s and 1980s, Jorgensen toured university campuses and other venues to speak about her experiences. She was known for her directness and polished wit. She once demanded an apology from Vice President Spiro T. Agnew when he called Charles Goodell "the Christine Jorgensen of the Republican Party". (Agnew refused her request.)

Jorgensen also worked as an actress and nightclub entertainer and recorded several songs. In summer stock, she played Madame Rosepettle in the play Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Mamma's Hung You in the Closet and I'm Feelin' So Sad. In her nightclub act, she sang several songs, including "I Enjoy Being a Girl", in which, at the end, she made a quick change into a Wonder Woman costume. She later recalled that Warner Communications, owners of the Wonder Woman character's copyright, demanded that she stop using the character; she did so, and instead used a new character of her own invention, Superwoman, who was marked by the inclusion of a large letter S on her cape. Jorgensen continued her act, performing at Freddy's Supper Club on the Upper East Side of Manhattan until at least 1982, when she performed twice in the Hollywood area: once at the Backlot Theatre, adjacent to the discothèque Studio One, and later at The Frog Pond restaurant. This performance was recorded and has been made available as an album on iTunes. In 1984, Jorgensen returned to Copenhagen to perform her show and was featured in Teit Ritzau's Danish transsexual documentary film Paradiset er ikke til salg (Paradise Is Not for Sale). Jorgensen was the first and only known trans woman to perform at Oscar's Delmonico Restaurant in downtown New York, for which owners Oscar and Mario Tucci received criticism.

She died of bladder and lung cancer in 1989, four weeks short of her 63rd birthday. Her ashes were scattered off Dana Point, California.

Jorgensen's highly publicized transition helped bring to light gender identity and shaped a new culture of more inclusive ideas about the subject. As a transgender spokesperson and public figure, Jorgensen influenced other transgender people to change their sex on birth certificates and to change their names. Jorgensen saw herself as a founding member in what became known as the "sexual revolution". Jorgensen stated in a Los Angeles Times interview, "I am very proud now, looking back, that I was on that street corner 36 years ago when a movement started. It was the sexual revolution that was going to start with or without me. We may not have started it, but we gave it a good swift kick in the pants."

In 2012 Jorgensen was inducted into the Legacy Walk, an outdoor public display which celebrates LGBT history and people.

In 2014, Jorgensen was one of the inaugural honorees in the Rainbow Honor Walk, a walk of fame in San Francisco's Castro neighborhood noting LGBTQ people who have "made significant contributions in their fields".

In June 2019, Jorgensen was one of the inaugural 50 American "pioneers, trailblazers, and heroes" included on the National LGBTQ Wall of Honor within the Stonewall National Monument (SNM) in New York City's Stonewall Inn. The SNM is the first U.S. national monument dedicated to LGBTQ rights and history, and the wall's unveiling was timed to take place during the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots.

Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, during his earlier career as a calypso singer under the name The Charmer, recorded a song about Jorgensen, "Is She Is or Is She Ain't" (The title is a play on the 1940s Louis Jordan song, "Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby".)

Chuck Renslow and Dom Orejudos founded Kris Studios, a male physique photography studio that took photos for gay magazines they published, which was named in part to honor Jorgensen.

Posters for the Ed Wood film Glen or Glenda (1953), also known as I Changed My Sex and I Led Two Lives, publicize the movie as being based on Jorgensen's life. Originally producer George Weiss made her some offers to appear in the film, but these were turned down. Jorgenson is mentioned in connection with Glen in Tim Burton's biopic Ed Wood (1994), but Jorgenson is not depicted as a character.

The Christine Jorgensen Story, a fictionalized biopic based on Jorgensen's memoir, premiered in 1970. John Hansen played Jorgensen as an adult, while Trent Lehman played her at age seven.

In Christine Jorgensen Reveals, a stage performance at the 2005 Edinburgh Festival Fringe, Jorgensen was portrayed by Bradford Louryk. To critical acclaim, Louryk dressed as Jorgensen and performed to a recorded interview with her during the 1950s while video of Rob Grace as comically inept interviewer Nipsey Russell played on a nearby black-and-white television set. The show went on to win Best Aspect of Production at the 2006 Dublin Gay Theatre Festival, and it ran Off-Broadway at New World Stages in January 2006. The LP was reissued on CD by Repeat The Beat Records in 2005.

Transgender historian and critical theorist Susan Stryker directed and produced an experimental documentary film about Jorgensen, titled Christine in the Cutting Room. In 2010 she also presented a lecture at Yale University titled "Christine in the Cutting Room: Christine Jorgensen's Transsexual Celebrity and Cinematic Embodiment". Both works examine embodiment vis-à-vis cinema.

The 2016 book Andy Warhol was a Hoarder: Inside the Minds of History's Great Personalities, by journalist Claudia Kalb, devotes a chapter to Jorgensen's story, using her as an example of gender dysphoria and the process of gender transition in its earliest days.

Jorgensen, Christine (1967). Christine Jorgensen: A Personal Autobiography. New York, New York: Bantam Books. ISBN 978-1-57344-100-1.

[taleofharrison]

We can try | Luke Hemmings

Summary: Reader realizes she might be wrong about the idea he had about Luke. (College!AU)

Warnings: none really

Requested: Idea given by @girl-toxxic​

Word count: 1559

A/N: not sure if this is what you wanted but I like the way it. Also I’m crying over superbloom it was pure art and it was beautiful also Luke studies engineering as a major because I saw on twitter or here don’t remeber exactly that he was good at math and I think engineering involves a lot of math so yeah but whatever enjoy.

MASTERLIST HERE 

It had been a long month you had to change college because your dad got another job in other state and your family wanted you close to them changing school wasn’t hard since you had great grades it’s not that you were a the typical nerd cliché who avoided parties and everything that was fun you just had your priorities clear and partying wasn’t on the top of the list. It was hard to believe but you found a perfect balance between college fun and your studies.

You knew that adjusting to new teachers, new classmates and new buildings would be hard you felt nervous and anxious luckily on your first week you met Ashton who happened to share a class with you he even took you to the building where the class would take place he was nice and kind to you so when he told you he was part of a fraternity surprised a lot.

Your feelings had been hurt badly by a boy who belonged to one he was sweet at the beginning then his true colors showed and the relationship quickly became toxic and though you’d denied it, he was one of the reasons you agreed to transfer plus studying in California didn’t sound like a bad idea.

“Would you like to come to a party this Friday?” Ashton asked out of the blue as you two walked outside the classroom “my fraternity is organizing it”

“A party? At your frat house?” you questioned again “I don’t think that’s a good idea I have to study-”

“Don’t try to play the cliché nerd card here” he cut you off “I’ve seen you partying and honestly I don’t how you keep your grades”

“As flattered as I am by that” you smiled “I try to not hang out around frat boys anymore you’re an exception”

“Just because an asshole dude broke your heart it doesn’t mean all of us are like that” he said “Come on it’s gonna be fun bring a friend or two if you want and my friends are nice”

“Fine I trust you” you sighed in defeat. “I’ll be there”

“Awesome!” he giggled “guess I’ll see you there”

The day of the party came and you thought on making up an excuse not to go like you were sick or something but you just couldn’t bail on Ash he looked so happy when you agreed and he was one of your best friends. So, you decided to put on a little make up and just have fun.

When you got to the party Ashton rushed to hug you a red solo cup filled with what you thought was some kind of spiced punch he guided you through the crowd to meet his best friends.

“This is Michael” he pointed at the DJ and he just nodded in your direction “and this is Calum but I’m sure you’ve seen play football he’s the team captain”

Calum hugged like if you had been friends for a long time “Ashton talks a lot about you is great to finally meet you”

Aston chuckled at his friend’s behavior “Mind if I leave you alone? I have to look for someone”

“Not at all” you smiled “I think I’m going to get a drink”

You crossed the dancefloor to get your drink you recognized a guy there dancing, you’ve seen him around, he was on the football team with Calum you’ve never talked to him you only knew his last name was you knew who he was, you knew about his reputation he was really popular among the girls on the campus which only made you surer that you had avoid him.

“Hi” Luke spoke to you making you turn to face him “I’ve never seen you in my frat parties”

“Observant” you rolled your eyes “I’m just here for a friend”

“And would you like to go I don’t know somewhere a little bit more private?”

You were more than ready to turn down his offer when Ashton’s voice interrupted your encounter with Luke.

“Awesome now you’ve met all my friends” Ashton exclaimed wrapping around your shoulders.

“He’s your friend?” you questioned with wide eyes.

“Yeah and one of my best friends I must say” he said nonchalantly “now we can all hang out together”

Ashton left you alone once again this time with Luke “So you’re the famous Y/N Ashton always talks about…guess I’ll see you around” he chuckled once again.

Weeks have passed since the party and your friendship with Ash and his friends, however you had a wall you didn’t really put that much effort on getting to know Luke which hurt him he wanted to get to know you too, you seemed to be a pretty cool girl from what he could get.

A groan left Luke’s mouth once again “I can’t any of this mate” he complained to Calum.

“Then what did you choose to study engineering?” Calum asked clearly amused by his friend’s frustration.

“I don’t know it sounded like fun when I started” he answered “what am I gonna do? The finals begin in a month and I’m not getting any of this calculus shit”

“I can ask Y/N to help you” Ashton shrugged “she’s pretty good at this”

“Do you think she will?” he asked “she doesn’t seem to like that much”

“She’ll do it if I ask her” Ashton assured “and I know she even helps the classmates she dislikes; she likes to help”

“I guess that could work” Luke sighed “thanks mate”

Luke was the first on to admit that maybe he didn’t give a first good impression at the party plus people often talk about him in the hallways but he was heartbroken and he thought that maybe a bunch of girls and parties might help him out but he was wrong he realized that now, he realized how unhealthy it was and he had been trying to be and feel better.

You told Ashton you could start classes with Luke the next day, you wanted to make the most of this and to end with this quickly as time went by you found yourself getting to know Luke and you’d denied but you were thinking that maybe you should’ve been friends with him since the start. He even learned your coffee order so every time you met up to study, he already had yours.

“Why?” he asked out of the blue one day.

“Why what?” you questioned frowning not following what he meant to say.

“You always hang out with my friends, but you just try to avoid me or ignore me” Luke explained “my question is why, you seem to hate”

“I know you Luke, don’t wanna get hurt”

“You barely talk to me how can you say you know me?” Luke scoffed.

“You are the kind of guy who’s sweet and charming but at the end of the day girls are just another game for you to play”

“I get it now” Luke said connecting the dots together “some boy broke your heart and now you think I’m like your ex”

“Oh, and you aren’t?” you retorted.

Luke abruptly closed his book and picked up his stuff getting up from the table.

“What do you think you’re doing?” you demanded “Luke we haven’t finished”

“Oh, I think we have” he replied “You don’t know the first thing about me”

“Luke your exam is in a week and we still have to review-“

“Forget about it” he interrupted you “I think I can make it on my own thank you”

Needless to say Luke didn’t show up to the rest of your study sessions it disappointed and broke your heart just a little maybe you were wrong, maybe you shouldn’t have said those things, maybe you misjudged him.

A week after the finals Luke came to your apartment you were pretty shocked when you saw him with your coffee order in hand, but you let him in anyways.

“I brought you this” he said giving you the coffee “I hope you haven’t changed your usual order”

“It’s perfect” you smiled “What are you doing here?”

“I haven’t seen you around” he shrugged “which is weird since you’re always with my mates and I wanted to tell you that I got 80% in my calculus final and I’m sure it could’ve been higher if we had kept studying so thank you for that couldn’t have done it without you”

“It was nothing” you said “I like to help”

“I also want to say I’m sorry” he said “I was rude to you and you just wanted to help and-“

“I should be the one apologizing” you interrupted him “I misjudged you and I should’ve gotten to know you more I shouldn’t have assumed you were like my ex”

“In your defense I didn’t give you good first impression at that party” he said “you were heartbroken you just wanted to protect your heart, I get it been there”

You nodded looking down.

“Let me make it up to you” he offered “let me take you celebrate I didn’t fail calculus because of you let’s get a drink”

“As in a date maybe?” you teased.

“If you want it to be a date…”

“I’d like it to be date” you said making you both smile.

[legalrichieflood]

Instagram whistleblowers reveal California College Republican hate speech in chatroom

Screenshots from a Discord server attributed to a statewide California College Republicans (CCR) chat exposed misogynistic, racist, antisemitic comments and threats of violence from various CCR members, including members from Cal Poly Pomona’s chapter.

A fallout within California’s collegiate Republican Party due to differing opinions caused CCR chapters to de-charter and form a new organization in 2019, the California Federation of College Republicans (CFCR). The split came after CCR published a 10-page platform that attacked university funding of birth control and abortion, the legitimizing of transgender people, and institutional support of Mexican and Muslim student organizations. The extremist platform claimed that members of the LGBT+ community were “murderous and degenerate.”

This bled into CPP’s own College Republicans and in Spring 2020, Aaron Santana Ruiz, president of CPP’s College Republicans switched the campus’ charter from the CFCR to CCR.

Instagram user, “abusiveccr,” who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation, reached out to The Poly Post on Feb. 4 with screenshots of messages including two accounts alleged to belong to Santana-Ruiz and fourth-year chemical engineering student, Baron Boghosian.

Many of the user “Boghosian’s” posts include selfies of Baron Boghosian.

The same account, under a revised name “Big Gorilla”, also posted a video with the accompanying comment, “watch this you Jews” to the Discord server.

The video shows Baron Boghosian and others driving around during Halloween 2020, including on the empty CPP campus, shouting statements supportive of former President Donald Trump and ending with the group eating pizza.

On Nov. 6, 2020, the same account, posted numerous comments inciting violence.

According to the CPP Republicans code of conduct, “Grounds for removal and/or suspension of an organization member(s) are appropriate if and only if student behavior is not consistent with the California Polytechnic University of Pomona student conduct and discipline code.”

When asked why more reports had not been made, user “disenchantedccrmember” said, “I don’t think anything through CCR would happen just because most of these guys are in their minds, at least, all on the same side. They all share similar beliefs. They don’t like Jews. They don’t like people of color. They think women need to just be at home in the kitchen, so I think if any sort of action was to come, it would come through the schools. Probably through a mission of conduct at the very least…People who have brought up concerns have either been kicked out or they’re blacklisted, and they basically cannot climb up the ladders.”

User “abusiveccr” responded similarly.

“I do want to have a career in politics, and they wouldn’t like this … a lot of the people have connections with all the offices so that could spread.”

Instagram user “_alxlcastilo” commented under every photo “abusiveccr” posted.

Alex Castillo, CPP student and alleged user of “_alxlcastilo”, did not respond to requests for comment.

CCR member, Stephen Miller, had multiple screenshots leaked with his name attached. Because of this, he reached out to user “abusiveccr”.

According to Miller, he was invited to join CCR by Loyola CCR president and CCR state chair, William Donahue.

Miller said that many of the screenshots are old and, at his request, the individuals were “purged from the chat” by William Donahue. He added that even though the messages were his, the photos of the chats are “taken out of context.”

“I know that a lot of things were recently deleted on our discord because a lot of people were scared that their comments were getting leaked out,” Miller said. “People started talking about it, and then other people started running to delete certain messages that they were afraid could be construed the wrong way. Some of them, I wouldn’t blame them. They had no context and they were 100% wrong.”

According to Miller, CCR holds individuals accountable and that a decision to remove someone from the Discord server depends “on the severity of the comments they made.”

“We try to be nonconfrontational and not hostile about it,” Miller said. “Often times you can tell when someone is joking about something. They wouldn’t joke about something that was serious, obviously.”

According to “abusiveccr”, on Nov. 10, the user “Boghosian” was removed from the server after disrespectful comments toward Arielle Spotswood, a student at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo and current co-chair of CCR.

Spotswood did not respond to The Poly Post request for comment.

When asked for comment, Boghosian said he has “no connection with CCR at all,” and claimed to vote for the Democratic Party. He added that he never had a Discord account and the profile depicting his name, along with the chats, are “completely false and fraudulent.”

Additionally, sources say the account named “Chancellor Santana”, allegedly that of Santana Ruiz, frequently posted in Discord endorsing Nick Fuentes, a 22-year-old far-right podcaster known for pushing white nationalist and anti-Semitic views onto younger listeners. Followers of Fuentes and Patrick Casey, the leader of the United States neo-Nazi group American Identity Movement, are called “Groypers.”

In January 2019, Fuentes compared the Holocaust to a “cookie baking operation.” According to Instagram user “disenchantedccrmember”, the icon next to Santana’s name is in reference to these statements. When reprimanded for the action, Santana Ruiz changed the image to a pizza.

User “disenchatedccrmember” added that they felt the need to create the whistleblower account to shed light on the controversy.

“We’ve reported them to even their advisor. We’ve reported to Michael Donahue … who is their advisor at Cal Poly Pomona and he said nothing, he’s done nothing,” said “disenchantedccrmember.”

Initially, Michael Donahue agreed to meet with The Poly Post, but on Feb. 10 rescinded the interview in an emailed statement.

“Due to your inquiry, I have investigated this matter with the concerned Cal Poly students and state organization. I have spoken with the Cal Poly Pomona College Republicans President, Aaron, and Baron, (who is in my senior design class at Cal Poly). As it stands, both Baron and Aaron have categorically denied these allegations. Furthermore, Baron is not a member of CPP College Republicans, nor is he a member of CCR,” Donahue stated, “I have found no evidence to support the claims that you have purported. As you know, anyone can change their name and picture on Discord. Anyone can create a new account or server with any name associated to it. Due to this design, as I understand it, there is no way to determine the identity of the person(s) who authored these posts.”

In a Feb. 8 emailed statement to the Poly Post, Santana Ruiz wrote, “While I do have an Instagram, I do not have a Discord. When I looked into these supposed chats that were ‘leaked’ it appears that they come from some social media application called Discord. I have never used Discord and the account is obviously fraudulent. The images registered to the account are not me and it’s frustrating that someone would use my name and an image of a cookie to slander me. (I’m not sure if that’s an attack on me for being mixed race).”

According to Kyle Shulz, former president of CPP Republicans, during the end of his term and under the administration of Santana Ruiz, a mass email subject, “College Republicans at Cal Poly Pomona: Hangout Meeting (Fri. 1/29/21 @ 6-9PM)” was sent to all members with links to both a private CPP Republicans Discord as well as the CCR Discord.

The CPP Republican Bylaws’ article H states that the president, “Shall be the official representative of this organization at all club involved events and activities.” The bylaws have since been removed from CPP Republican’s MyBar, but can be found here.

The server violates Discord community guidelines. The comments may also violate the student code of conduct policy at CPP under item 7, “Conduct that threatens or endangers the health or safety of any person within or related to the University community, including physical abuse, threats, intimidation, harassment, or sexual misconduct.”

In an emailed statement to The Poly Post on Feb. 9, CCR’s communication team wrote, “On behalf of the organization and alleged affected members, we can unequivocally say that these alleged Discord leaks are either doctored, edited, or manipulated. No records of these conversations or members exist, and there is no evidence they belong to CCR or any chapter. The alleged names/nicknames are not even in our Discord, and there is no evidence they ever existed. This is simply the nature of Discord.”

Before Feb. 9, the Discord’s link could be found publicly on the CCR web page masthead and included the lobby of members active within the attached server.

The link was pulled off its website on Feb. 8 for a short period of time, and then again permanently by the morning of Feb. 9.

Beginning as early as Feb. 5, the Discord server was purged of chats by moderators, until on Feb. 7 when the server was completely wiped clean. Members within the server were not informed and questioned the removed messages and chatrooms. While it is unclear who is the official moderator, both William Donahue and Dylan Martin, communications director, responded to their complaints.

The CCR Discord server contained student members from universities across all of California and there is no record of action to regulate, prevent or discipline comments that could escalate to threats of violence like user “Boghosian’s” had.

Shortly after Santana Ruiz’s email to The Poly Post, the account “Chancellor Santana” changed its name to “Mad World Mad World” and left the CCR Discord server and used the same meme that the account claimed to use when its chapter departed from the CFCR charter.

New University, University of California, Irvine’s campus newspaper reported on similar allegations on Jan. 12.

Additionally, this is not the first time CPP Republicans have been accused of hate speech and discrimination. In fall 2020, popular Instagram account CPP Confessions, an account where the CPP community can anonymously submit community news, reposted several controversial CPP Republican posts for its followers to see.

“This chat is an echo chamber for these people to have these vile, sick beliefs and they hype each other up,” “disenchantedccrmember” added. “One of my biggest concerns is that if they hype each other up enough that they will actually go out and commit acts of violence.”

As of this report, both “disenchatedccrmember” and “abusiveccr” accounts have been terminated. “I plan to continue until the end of the Unity election,” disenchatedccrmember said.

This unity election between CCR and CFCR was dated for Feb. 20, but the results have not been announced nor any news on the election been disclosed. More can be found at https://www.americafirstcr.com. William Donahue is running for chairman.

User “abusiveccr” cited that they would continue the account “as long as it takes… for all of this to hopefully end soon.”

Additional screen grabs with corresponding documents can be found here.

If students are facing harassment, they can reach out to the Office of Equity and Compliance. For reports on threats of violence contact the University Police Department. If students need to report a breach of student conduct, the Office of Student Conduct and Integrity can be found at https://www.cpp.edu/studentconduct/staff.shtml.

Edit 4/6, 7 p.m.: The names of individuals within the screenshots that The Poly Post did not reach out to have been redacted for privacy.

[inspired-by-the-music]

For You: Stand By Me

Taglist: @jineunwootrash @angels-from-california @jayjaydawn

If you would like to be added to the taglist of any of this blog’s works, please ask!

Recommended Reading: For You: 4 O’Clock; these works have separate, independent, but deeply interwoven timelines.

Chapter 14: The Boy I Love Forever

Lei’s POV

To tell you the truth, I didn’t want Sehun to apologize for kissing me. Despite the glare that darkened his features when he swore that he wouldn’t apologize, I guess I was relieved by the imagination that there was nothing to regret about that memory after all. I guess I tingled at the thought that maybe he meant to steal my breath away, meant to make my heart race, meant to fill my every thought.

To tell you the truth, I didn’t want Sehun to apologize for delivering the news that Donghae wouldn’t attend the Christmas party. No apology would fill the void in the holiday left by Donghae’s absence. I didn’t want Sehun to apologize for bringing that old photograph back to Mom at Donghae’s request. The damage was already done. Besides, even in my moment of pain-fuelled rage, I knew that no blemish in the evening was really caused by Sehun’s hand.

It was obvious that I was straining to find some grudge to hold against Sehun. As long as I was angry about something, I could ignore how devastatingly handsome he looked in the pale winter moonlight. I could ignore the painful hammering in my chest when his eyes met mine. Anger could obscure the memory of his baby-soft lips on my freezing cheek just inches away from my parted lips. I could tell myself that my body was suddenly warmed by burning hatred— not by his touch.

The trouble is, I didn’t believe myself. I never believed for a fraction of a second that I had outgrown my adoration of Sehun. Sehun, who was always calm, cool, collected— the very definition of the quiet stoic strength I sought to emulate— until that night. Sehun, who somehow fell for my unconvincing act and believed that I stopped loving him. Sehun, who believed that I was actually capable of hating him in any version of the universe.

I didn’t want to hear his apologies. I didn’t want to hear his insecurities. I didn’t want to watch his eyes widen in horror as he stared at my broken mistletoe crown in his hands. I didn’t want to watch him walk into the snowy darkness at Yesung’s demand. I didn’t want Yesung to usher me into the house that should have been warm enough to thaw the block of ice in my chest. The burning fireplace and the cup of hot chocolate Lucas forced into my hands and the multitude of sympathetic stares from everybody, (especially Baekhyun, who tried to smile at me from the couch) didn't reach the block of ice, though.

Maybe a part of me wanted to risk annoying Sehun by chasing him into the dark. Maybe I wanted to abandon the morbid sense of pride that I developed over the years of denying myself the right to love who I loved. Maybe those tears that filled his eyes exposed that what I hoped was hard-won strength was actually a deep sense of shame.

Once Lucas and I were alone in my bedroom, I admitted to him (and, more importantly, to myself), that I absolutely wanted to follow Sehun at least one more time to tell him that I didn’t hate him— that I never hated him— that I could never hate him. Once I realized that anyone thinking that I hated Sehun was worse than everyone knowing that I loved him, I confessed the truth.

A Collection of Truths:

Every part of me was in love with Sehun— even the ones I tried to keep hidden in the dark.

Even when we were screaming on the porch, I wanted to kiss Sehun.

If loving Sehun was a weakness, I didn’t want to be strong. I didn’t care who saw me in my weakened state.

“Is that so?” Lucas asked, wide-eyed, sipping from his mug on my bed. He was nice enough to act surprised by what he knew all along.

Burning crimson after my unrestrained honesty, I set my mug on the floor and crossed my arms. “I’m not gonna repeat myself or anything. You heard the first time.”

Lucas nodded out the window. “He’ll probably want you to repeat it once or twice, though, so you might as well practice with me.”

I followed Lucas’s gaze to find Sehun standing atop a pile of snow just below my window. At first, my heart thumped at the thought that he had come to find me because he also wondered how he would sleep when we stood on such uncertain terms. Then, when moments passed and his eyes were still intently trained on the mistletoe in his hands without sparing one glance at me, I realized that was not the case. It was a happy accident that he was so close, still barely out of reach.

Maybe Lucas was right when he cheered, “It’s fate! What are you waiting for?”

I was still too afraid to take the first step toward Sehun when he was just a blink and a breath away. Shrinking away from the window so he couldn’t see me if he looked up with the wind, I mumbled, “I can’t go out there.”

“Why not?” Unable to meet Lucas’s disappointed frown, I stared at the place on my wall where Sehun’s poster once stood.

The paint was still faded. There was still an outline of his place that I could not yet fill even when Lucas urged, “Lei, he’s literally right here! If you don’t want any of that stuff that happened tonight to leave a scar, then just go out there and make a new, better memory!”

Lucas spoke with such enthusiasm that I almost believed that I could climb right through the window and into some fairytale with Sehun. Then, I opened my eyes and remembered that every image of myself as a princess was crafted for the stage. It wasn’t real. Fairytales weren’t real— especially not on that night when my mother’s heart was broken.

“What about Mom?” I asked, throat tight with the recent memory of her tears and the knowledge that she was probably still crying down the hall. “Do you think that I should go out with— with some boy while she’s—”

“He’s not some boy,” Lucas interrupted. “He’s Sehun. The person you’ve loved since you said hello. Your pain and Mom’s— they’re both valid— and I don’t think that she would feel any better knowing that you’re avoiding happiness for her sake. Mom told you to have fun at the party, and we both know that the person who will bring you closest to fun is right out there, twiddling your broken crown in his hands!”

Fun. Was that a word I ever associated with Sehun? No.

Still, Lucas was right. Like the coward I was when it came to him— to Sehun, who I couldn’t quite trust to hold anymore of the heart he warned me to guard— I searched for any reason to legitimize my fear. I was willing to use my mother as a shield, as a right to forfeit what I was too afraid to fight for only to lose.

Like the hopeless romantic that I was when it came to him— to Sehun, who could steal my heart from afar even when I confined my admiration to seconds-long glances out the window— I searched more desperately for something to encourage me to act on the urge to meet him halfway or most of the way or all of the way.

Does that make me weak or foolish or childish or submissive? I used to wonder before Lucas permitted me to let go of my stubborn definitions of strength.

“Just go.” He nudged my ribs, smiling softly. “Take all of the time you need. I’ll cover for you if anyone downstairs asks where you went.”

When I still didn’t feel brave enough to take the first step, Lucas asked in a small voice, “Don’t you think you’ll regret it if you let this moment pass?”

Maybe it was because of something Taeyeon once told me in the moonlight of her kitchen; or maybe it was because Lucas had to go to the trouble of opening the window for me; or maybe it was because of the sharp sting of the winter wind that made my eyes water as Sehun’s had on the front porch; or maybe it was because of the constriction of my heart when he looked at me, eyes filled with a unique blend of amusement and disapproval at my sudden appearance out of the second-floor window— but the overwhelming emotion of the night was regret.

Regret at all the time wasted in misunderstanding. Regret at all that time wasted crying in my room under the watch of the moon when I could have been with him, Sehun, who held out the world in manageable palm-sized pieces even when he glared at me from the driver’s seat like I was a stubbornly ignorant child. Regret at all the time spent apart that inclined me to believe that he didn’t love me even when it was written clearly on every feature of his handsome face, even when it was woven into the bandages he tied around my bleeding wounds, even when it was etched into every line that formed into his forehead with the furrowing of his brow.

Regret at the ragged sigh that fell from his pretty parted lips when I confessed that every glance at him made me want to sob into my palms, omitting the all-too-humiliating fact that everything about him still sparked my childhood curiosity of what it might be like to be destined to love one person forever. Regret at the fact that I couldn’t spend the rest of the night and the rest of my life in his car with my hand in his with the dawning realization that he loved me.

He loved me. Sehun loved me. Sehun loved me enough to forgive me for yelling and running and tiptoeing around his feelings that were too good to be true.

Regret at the reluctance with which my bandaged hand reached into the pocket of the warm black coat he dropped over my shoulders to brush against the fragmented mistletoe crown. Had curiosity struck me sooner, I could have plucked it from the pocket, held it over my head, and seen that flustered regret-numbing smile dash across his face sooner.

“Put that away,” Sehun instructed, reaching for the mistletoe. As I lifted it out of his reach, he tried (and failed) to bite back laughter. “Seriously, Lei. You don’t need a silly broken piece of mistletoe to get a kiss out of me.”

“Really?” My heart fluttered. I lowered the mistletoe, but I didn’t quite drop it back into the pocket. “Do you mean that?’

He raised his eyebrows. “Yeah. Are you getting excited?”

Because I now knew that he was flirting— and all of those similar comments that surrounded our first kiss were other attempts at flirting— a bubbling warmth spread through my chest. That warmth pulled my lips into a smile that I couldn’t have fought away with all of the effort in the world.

At the risk of further painting myself as an absolute fool, I’ll admit that I would have been content to kiss Sehun forever if he hadn’t broken away to again confess, this time breathlessly against my lips, “I love you. I’m in love with you, Lei.”

And I— I wanted to remain skeptical just in case he changed his mind with the rising of the sun, just in case I was dreaming again.

More than that, though, I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that the lights in his eyes weren’t cast by the moon or the stars or the strings of lights lining my house; I wanted to believe that those bursts of light were some physical manifestation of his affection for me.

I already believed it, so I told myself that it didn’t have to last forever to be beautiful. If he was a moment that I embraced with my all, then there would be nothing to regret at breaking dawn. If nothing else, I would make him my most beautiful memory My most beautiful dream. My precious Sehun.

“Sehun,” I said because I could never say his name enough even if it flew from my lips for the rest of my life. “Do you remember when I said that you can walk with me anytime?”

“Yes.” His lips fit with mine. They were warm, soft, gentle, not at all what you would expect from him at a glance, not at all what you would expect without knowing him as intimately as I did. “I remember.”

“I meant that,” I said between kisses, almost wanting to cry each time we parted. “Always— always, I will keep a door open for you, and I’ll protect our memories, so if you change your mind—”

“What?” His face paled. A frown twitched in the corner of his mouth, and I wish I hadn’t said anything. “Lei.” He said my name sweetly, sending me into a spiral when I thought I couldn’t fall deeper. Sehun sighed my name, stealing my habit of preparing for the worst-case scenario. “You don’t have to believe in forever to be in love, but you shouldn’t offer to carry the weight of goodbye on your own. I understand that your mind rushes ahead to goodbye, but I wish it wouldn’t— at least not with me.”

Being seen as clearly as Sehun saw me in that moment was frightening and comforting— a nightmare and a dream. Had he been anyone else in the world, I would have wanted to disappear, but Sehun— Sehun didn’t have to see me to know me.

“I believe in forever,” I argued quietly. “I know that I will love you forever.” Then, set ablaze by the embarrassment of my honesty and the thought that I admitted to feeling too much too soon, I stuttered, “I— I mean—”

Sehun didn’t have to speak to silence me. He only smiled, deepening my blush and stealing my voice. “You don’t have to take it back, Lei. You can love me as much as you want for as long as you want. Please.”

The word ‘please,’ forced all remaining air from my lungs. I never before needed Sehun’s permission to love him, but once his plea hit my ears, I realized that I must have craved it for quite some time. No sooner than the words passed his upturned lips did I lean into him once again for another dream-fulfilling kiss.

Maybe I should have considered whether we were in danger of being caught by party guests— specifically Yesung, who would have been most disappointed to find me kissing the boy from the crown-breaking incident— or paparazzi. After all, someone was always watching. That fact had been impossible to forget since Sehun first taught it to me. That truth echoed in every corner of my mind until those moments Sehun’s lips were on mine, until those moments when Sehun breathed into me and left no room for thoughts other than ‘I love you, I love you; forever I will love you because forever I have loved you.’

Pulling away to try (and fail) to catch my breath, missing him instantly, I asked Sehun, “How did we get here?”

His pale face was flushed crimson. His blush was visible even in the moonlight. If only I knew the words to describe how beautiful he was as he shrugged and grinned, tracing some shapeless form on my cheek with the pad of his thumb, maybe I could create a portal back to that moment when the stars aligned.

“I’m not sure,” he answered. “I’m just glad I followed you here.”

Thinking that life was as it was meant to be for the first time in a long time (maybe for the first time) because Sehun was by my side where I could see him, speak to him, hold him, kiss him, and love him like I always dreamed about, I smiled at him.

I walked into warmth from the frozen snowstorm separating Sehun’s car from my home to find Mom, Grandma, Heechul, and Lucas watching a drama starring Park Seojoon, my favorite actor.

For all of about two seconds, I was relieved that the party cleared out during my absence because that meant I wouldn’t have to listen to Yesung lecture about boys, I wouldn’t have to hide my smile from Kyuhyun, who would have instantly pieced together that I had been out with the boy on Super Junior’s hit list, and I wouldn’t have to stomach Baekhyun’s sympathetic puppy eyes that still seemed to burn into me when I glanced at the then-empty couch by the window he earlier claimed.

Before I could comfortably settle into the couch and peel back the curtains and blinds to see if Sehun’s car still sat within sight, Heechul immobilized me with his glare. “Did you have fun on your midnight rendezvous?” He asked loudly as if oblivious to the fact that Mom laid her sleeping head in his lap.

Fun. Maybe that was a word I could associate with that tingling sensation that set me alight at the thought of Sehun. Maybe that was a word I could use to describe the act of kissing him in that dimly lit space that I still remember in perfect detail with each blink of my eyes. Maybe that is the word for that surge of breathlessness that accompanies every memory of those moments when we touched.

When Heechul looked at me with fire leaking out of his eyes, though, I knew that I couldn’t say any of those truths aloud. I shrank under the understanding that I was not expected to respond. Even in Yesung’s absence, I was in for a scolding. Dropping the curtains, lowering my gaze to the palms I pressed flat against the skirt of my dress, I elected to brave it silently.

I made the wrong choice. “Aren’t you going to answer me?” Heechul’s roar stirred Mom into sitting upright.

“I—” I shook my head, face burning as it always did when I was the center of attention—  “I figured you were asking a rhetorical question.”

“I wasn’t!” I looked up in time to watch Heechul’s eyes roll. “Where did you go? Who were you with?”

Normally, I would have been too flattered that Heechul cared about me to feel at all stifled by his rare protective outbursts, but something about his tone and the glint in his eyes sparked my temper ablaze.

Before I could reply with any degree of sass, Grandma lied without glancing away from Park Seojoon’s face on the television, “She asked for my permission before leaving, so you don’t have to worry, Heechul.”

I should have been content to leave the confrontation at that. Because Grandma ranked above Heechul in the family hierarchy, he bit down on his tongue despite the persistent urge to berate me that stained his face a dull shade of red.

Emboldened by the belief that I had done nothing wrong, I reminded Heechul, “I’m 21 years old, so technically I’m allowed to go where I want, whenever I want, with whoever—”

“You were out with your abusive-ass boyfriend, weren’t you?” Heechul fumed.

My face burned at Heechul’s blatant misunderstanding of Sehun. I was speechless, numb and nauseated by the screaming thought that nobody had ever been as wrong about anyone to the degree that Heechul was wrong about Sehun.

Lucas whirled around in his place on the floor to stare at me with sparkling eyes and a smile that flourished even in the tense atmosphere established by Heechul’s tantrum. “Boyfriend?” He repeated hopefully, giggling at the grin that tugged at my lips because the dream that Sehun could be my boyfriend— the first and only person I would love without limitations— was, for the first time, not a vague abstract concept.

Sehun was within reach, I knew, because I held him.

Mom rubbed bags under her eyes that were darkened by fatigue and running mascara. “What are you talking about? Lei’s boyfriend is right here!” She pointed at Lucas, misunderstanding our relationship for the millionth time.

“Stop living in a fantasy!” Heechul corrected her before I could.

The sharpness of his tone didn’t seem to bother Mom in the slightest way. Her eyes only narrowed in genuine confusion as she tried to resign herself to the fact that Heechul was right when he said, “Lei never dated Lucas! I’ve told you a million times— they’re siblings!” Jabbing a finger at me without glancing my way, Heechul told Mom, “She has a thing for that boy with the angry eyebrows and angrier temper!”

I squirmed at the knowledge that Mom and Heechul were among the millions who speculated about my relationships. To distract Heechul from Mom, who had enough to worry about without him yelling at her, I yelled, “My relationship with Sehun is none of your business!”

“Sehun?” Mom gasped, bringing a hand up to her lips. Her shoulders sagged. “You mean you’re really not dating Lucas?”

Thankfully, Lucas distracted Mom from the fact that Heechul, Grandma, and I rolled our eyes. Turning to place his hand on her knee over her red pajama pants, probably staining the fabric with buttery fingers, Lucas sweetly answered, “No, Mom. We never dated. We’re best friends.”

From that moment on, following a subtle nod at Lucas, who had never before gone to such lengths to deliberately deny our dating allegations, Mom never again mistook us for a couple.

“Sehun?” Mom repeated, focusing her bewildered gaze on me. “You were out with Sehun?”

The answer was obvious because of his coat that still hung loosely over my shoulders and the blush that colored my face at the sound of his name. Still, I nodded my head and closed my eyes to block out the sight of Mom’s mouth falling open in utter surprise.

“If you’re shocked by this,” Heechul hissed at her, “then you should have seen them fighting on the front porch!”

“That was a misunderstanding!”

I don’t know who I was trying to convince with that outburst: Mom, whose gaze flickered between me and Heechul; Grandma, who finally paused the television drama to devote her full attention to the real-life drama unfolding before her eyes; Heechul, who still glared at me, impossible to convince; or myself, who plummeted from my height at the memory of the fight on the front porch that Heechul would not let me forget.

Lucas, the only person who didn’t require convincing, agreed uncharacteristically quietly, “Yeah. Sehun has loved Lei forever. He’s just learning how to show it in a new way.”

Deaf to Lucas’s opinion or otherwise dubious, Heechul insisted, “I didn’t misunderstand a damn thing about him snatching that flower crown off of your head! Don’t be stupid enough to forgive a jerk just because he lies and says he loves you!”

At my ragged wheeze that filled the room instead of my adamant declaration that it wasn’t a lie— that Sehun meant it when he said he loved me— Grandma cut her eyes at Heechul, Lucas dropped his gaze into the bucket of popcorn in his lap, and only Mom was brave enough to argue.

She placed a soothing hand on Heechul’s shoulder. “Heechul, calm down. That’s what happens in young love— misunderstandings, dramatic arguments, more dramatic reconciliations. Sehun is a sweet boy, so I’m sure—”

“You didn’t see what I saw!” Heechul frowned as he shrugged out of Mom’s grip. “If that’s that guy’s idea of love, then he needs to stay the hell away from our girl!”

My stomach turned at the mere thought of never seeing Sehun again, and I glared at Heechul for speaking such a tragedy into the universe. This is precisely the sort of thing I should never admit, but I knew that I would have gone behind Heechul’s back for the rest of my life to continue walking with Sehun even for moments at a time in the darkness.

I was dangerously in love with him, all too willing to risk my reputation and other relationships. That’s not necessarily a good thing, but it’s the truth. Thankfully, Mom didn’t seem to buy into Heechul’s prejudice against Sehun. I didn’t even want to know whether I would disregard her advice to chase after a boy, even one like Sehun.

Crossing her legs in her seat, Grandma asked, “Lei, is Sehun the one who kissed you in the dining room?”

My face burned at the memory of Baekhyun’s brief kiss. I wasn’t grateful to Grandma for bringing it up. How could she have forgotten Sehun’s face after all those years I spent showing her his photographs and detailing everything he ever meant to me?

Before I could recover from embarrassment long enough to shake my head in response, Lucas gasped, “Sehun kissed you in the dining room? When were you gonna tell me that?”

“Sehun didn’t kiss me in the dining room!” I fixed my flustered gaze on Lucas, crossing my arms tightly over my chest as I hurriedly explained, “Baek did, but only because mistletoe was involved!”

Lucas raised a skeptical eyebrow, opening his mouth probably to remind me that the last time I said something like that, the boy hadn’t kissed me only because mistletoe was involved.

My eyes screwed shut as if that would blind me to the rather obvious fact that there was something bittersweet— but mostly sweet— in Baekhyun’s kiss because there was far too large of a gap between the present-tense version of myself who was in love with Sehun and the me of my dreams who was born to be the mirrored moon to Baekhyun’s burning sun. This was not the time to embrace the hope that I would get there someday, to the place where dreams and reality meet, to the place where the sun touches the moon. So I bit my tongue and comforted myself with the belief that there is a time for everything under the sun.

“Baek?” Heechul repeated through his frown.

Again, Mom tried to conceal her gasp with her hands. “Baekhyun kissed you?”

I said, “It wasn’t a real kiss!” but that didn’t feel very much like the truth. I hoped nobody saw through my claim as easily as I could.

“Oh,” Grandma nodded as if to distract me from the confusing spiral of Baekhyun-related thoughts. “So Sehun is the one who was heartbroken by the kiss?”

That easily, Grandma returned my attention to Sehun. Just by imagining that Sehun had been at all affected by that brief peck on my cheek, I jolted awake from every Baekhyun dream and found my footing in a shallow pool of remorse. It was fruitless to wish that the kiss hadn’t happened (especially since I had done nothing to provoke it). It was probably equally as fruitless to wish that I hadn’t been too focused on Mom’s moment of heartbreak to notice Sehun’s. Still, I did. A lot of my thoughts are fruitless.

“Oh, so he’s the jealous type too?” Heechul groaned. “This guy just has every perk, doesn’t he? You know, Lei, you’re not any better than the girls you always criticize on these shows—” he gestured wildly toward the television— “the ones who always overlook a perfectly nice guy like Baekhyun for some douchebag like—”

“Stop it!” My voice shattered as I screamed, rising to my feet and balling my fists at my sides. “Just stop it! I don’t care if you’re trying to protect me! I’m not going to sit here and listen to you misunderstand my favorite— my forever—” my chest heaved while I stuttered around the best way to describe Sehun— “the person I’ve loved for most of my life!”

Silence fell over the room. Everybody looked up at me with widened eyes because a.) I never raised my voice, b.) I never admitted to loving anyone or anything, and c.) I always had this rule about waiting until I was alone to shed tears.

I know I had broken that rule before in front of Sehun, especially when I was younger and more volatile, and I had sobbed into Lucas’s chest once or twice, and there was that time Changmin caught me in a brief fit of tears backstage, but Mom and Heechul— they were both so shocked by my outburst that they both stood as if to rush toward me.

Looking back, I wish I had allowed them to embrace me or dry my tears. I wanted to let them get close to me, but I guess I was too embarrassed. I guess I had not yet broken my longtime habit of running from overwhelming emotions.

I raced upstairs to my bedroom, thinking that if Donghae had been there like he was every past Christmas, he would have known what to say to diffuse the storm inside of me. Maybe he would have waited until I was alone in my room to gingerly knock on the door, sit by my side, watch the moon and stars with me through the window, and say everything that I needed to hear to smile again.

Closing the door behind myself, I admitted for the millionth time that I missed Donghae so much— too much. I hoped that I would be brave enough to tell him the next time our paths crossed. Speaking with Sehun assured me that that day would come sooner or later; I just hoped that we wouldn’t accumulate too much time apart because, really, I needed him then. Needing people is scary, I think, because you never realize how dependent you are until you’re alone.

I reached into Sehun’s pocket for my phone, somehow emboldened by the night’s twists and turns to take fate into my hands, somehow believing that I could bring our paths together on my own. Before I could dial Donghae’s number, though, I noticed the poster on my wall— the poster I hadn’t seen in two years— Sehun’s poster.

My phone fell back into my pocket. After I pulled the two halves of the mistletoe crown out of the pocket and set them next to the ribbon on my vanity, I tiptoed over to the poster. My heart pounded as if Sehun were really in my room, watching as I peeled the pink sticky note off of the poster’s face, laughing at the blush that spread across my face as I read:

“Don’t kiss this too much! It’s just a poster!” — Lucas

I guess I had to laugh at the memory of my childhood self rising onto her tiptoes to peck at the poster’s lips. I guess I had to squeal at the realization that Lucas had returned my box of memories. I guess there was no choice other than to jump onto my bed, all too eager to pull out its contents one by one.

I was surprised to find that the items collected no dust in the years they spent on the highest shelf of Lucas’s closet— which I couldn’t quite reach no matter how I strained— or wherever the hell he hid them. He must have meant it when he promised to take care of them. I shouldn’t have been surprised; Lucas always kept his word.

Fastening my bracelet on its rightful place around my wrist, I imagined how different life would have been had I known when I first wore it years ago that Sehun and I would eventually find our way onto the same path at the same time. I wondered how different life would have been if I had known when I first removed it that the bracelet wouldn’t be too heavy forever.

Of course, no warning could have prepared me for the first kiss by the piano, or the second one on the porch, or the third kiss in his car, or the fact that in the span of one night I would lose track of how many times his lips brushed against mine, but I— I don’t know. It’s not that I regretted the years of longing for him and dreaming about him. How could I regret something that made up most of my life?

All I know for certain is that if I could do it all again— if I could go back to the start, knowing how it all would end— I would take back every cruel word I said to him in those two years that I tried to hate him. I did regret all of that time. I still do. I make up for it every day.

Now, I think there is more strength in wearing a broken heart on your sleeve than hiding it behind a crumbling stone mask. Now, I know that no wound heals when left to fester in the dark.

Maybe Heechul knew that too. Maybe that’s why he turned the light on when he walked through my door without knocking. There was something like an apology on the tip of his tongue before his eyes fell on the box.

“What’s that?” He asked, pointing.

Hesitantly, I answered, “Memories,” shielding Sehun’s pictures from Heechul’s eyes that, despite having softened considerably during his walk up the stairs, could have gone icy at any moment at the slightest provocation.

Heechul’s eyebrows shot up in an exaggerated expression of interest. “Oh?” He held out a hand. “Let me see.”

I shook my head. “Believe me: you don’t want to see him.”

I spoke quietly because I feared that we were on the brink of another fight— because I feared that I might have needed Heechul just as much as I needed Donghae— because I knew that I couldn’t have endured being at odds with him too.

More often than not, Heechul was a handful. He could trigger my migraine more quickly than anyone else I knew because he was loud, attention-seeking, and he had little (if any) concern for social decorum. In short, Heechul was annoying, but the very attributes that counted as flaws also counted as virtues. That made Heechul the most unique person I ever met.

Although he never expressly stated so and he was never inclined toward sickeningly sweet gestures, I never wondered whether Heechul loved me. It was evident, unspoken, embedded in my perception of the world.

I— I know that love isn’t supposed to be earned, but I think I have always been cripplingly afraid of losing it. That was probably my biggest flaw: biting my tongue, clenching my fists, packing ‘fruitless’ thoughts into boxes all in a desperate effort to cling to everything in my life that ever resembled love for the briefest second.

Still standing over me, Heechul softened his gaze. Maybe he saw my flaw and pitied me for it. “They’re pictures of that boy, aren’t they? The one you love?” We both reddened at that accurate description of Sehun.

“Yeah,” I whispered, moved by Heechul’s effort to control his temper and treat me like the piece of glass I had always been. “They’re pictures of Sehun.”

Heechul sat at the edge of my bed on the other side of the box and again held his hand out. That time, I trusted him with the photographs, but I watched anxiously as he flipped through them. “If you love him enough to collect all of these photocards, why did you have them packed away in some box?”

“I tried to grow out of him,” I admitted, tracing my thumb over the bracelet’s cotton candy charm.

Heechul’s head tilted as if to ask ‘Why?’ so I continued, “It’s exhausting to be in love with somebody who can’t love you. I thought it would make me strong if I could stop. I thought that if I never saw these things again, I would grow up, but I—”

Looking into the box to find that old My Melody keychain from my tenth birthday smiling at me, I sighed, “I must have been doomed from the start or something.”

“That’s a bleak outlook on love.” Heechul carefully placed the photocards back into the box and surveyed the other objects. “You aren’t doomed because you’re attracted to someone. It may not be easy or pain-free, but you don’t have to be with somebody just because you can’t stop loving him.”

“But I do want to be with him.” Drawing a deep breath, I tried to explain, “I— I know that you’ve only seen us together at our weakest moment, but I swear that Sehun is a good person. He’s the best person because he always tries to do the right thing, and he has always tried to guide me onto the best path even when we were lost in the dark. Most of the time, he’s almost inhumanly calm and patient, but right now he’s a little clumsy with his feelings because he never planned to date, and he probably never expected to love me, and—”

“Lei,” Heechul interrupted, nearly laughing at my lovesick rambling. “You don’t have to convince me that this guy deserves your heart. You’re 21, and you can go out with whoever you want, and collect photocards of whoever you want, and I— why are you looking at me like that?”

I shrugged my heavy shoulders. “I don’t know. I guess I don’t want you to think that I’m a fool for some boy who doesn’t even love me. I guess when I love somebody, I want you to love them too.”

“Oh.” As Heechul scratched at the back of his neck, his eyes flickered away from mine. He cleared his throat. “That’s not going to be easy. I’ll try because I can see the little lights in your eyes when you talk about him, but I remember the tears that were in your eyes when he snatched your crown.”

“Oh,” I muttered, knowing that nothing I could have said would wipe that scene from Heechul’s memory.

Fidgeting, Heechul admitted, “I  know that you’ve always said that you would never date, but I always imagined that you would end up with someone who gives you crowns. I— maybe that doesn’t make sense.”

I picked at a loose thread on my quilt and fought the sudden urge to cry. “It makes sense.”

“And even if I tried to forget, Yesung would never let me.” Heechul rolled his eyes. “His bitching about the punk who stole our princess’s crown totally killed the party.”

Again, I mouthed, “Oh.”

Once he noticed that my eyes were glossy with tears, Heechul huffed, “I can’t handle all of these emotions. You and your mom are killing me tonight!” He fanned himself before declaring, “Fine! Fine, I’ll forgive that boy, but only because I think your mom is probably right about how young people act. She’s always right, damn it!”

“Really?” I couldn’t help but smile. “You’ll forgive Sehun?”

“Yeah,” Heechul grumbled, “but only because I remember this one time that your mom and I had a huge ass fight in public. I did something really, really stupid, so she slapped the shit out of me, and for a second there, I really wanted to slap the pink off of her lips—”

I cracked up at that completely unprecedented phrase, and Heechul cut his eyes at me and crossed his arms. “It’s not funny, Lei! It really hurt, and I had to walk around the drive-in with a handprint on my face!”

“I’m sorry,” I said, grinning as I remembered how Sehun helped me find Mom and Heechul when I got lost at the drive-in, how he let me hold his hand because I was afraid to walk in the dark, how he laughed at the voices I made up when translating the film into Korean.

“Anyway,” Heechul hummed, “the moral of my story is that anyone can do something rash out of character, so I understand. I get it. I’ll let your little boyfriend off the hook this time, but he needs to learn to control himself if he doesn’t want Yesung to kick his ass. Pass that along on your next midnight rendezvous.”

Too happy to point out that Sehun wasn’t technically my boyfriend, I nodded. “Alright, Heechul.”

“And you—” Heechul stood and started toward the door, beckoning me to follow him downstairs to resume the drama— “don’t forget that you deserve the world because I don’t want to have this talk again.”

[impressedbymckayla]

M*ggie continues to be absolute trash. 

If she could travel back in time, before she was suspended from gymnastics after being accused of berating and mistreating her athletes, including an Olympic champion, Maggie Haney says she would change the way she coached.

She wouldn’t push some of her young gymnasts to redo a routine again and again after even the tiniest mistakes. To demand their focus, she wouldn’t yell at them. Instead she would learn to let some imperfections slide.

“I think my mistakes were that I cared too much, and wanted them to be a little too perfect every day, when maybe that’s not possible,” Haney, one of the most prominent coaches in the sport, said this month in an interview with The New York Times, the first time she has spoken publicly in nearly a year. “Maybe what used to be OK is not OK anymore, and maybe it shouldn’t be. I think maybe the culture has shifted.”

Haney has not coached at her gym in central New Jersey or anywhere else since February, she said, when U.S.A. Gymnastics, the sport’s national federation, temporarily suspended her before later barring her from coaching for eight years for what it called her “severe aggressive behavior” toward her athletes. She said she hasn’t even coached her own daughter, who is 11.

The athletes who have trained under Haney include Laurie Hernandez, who won a silver medal on the balance beam at the 2016 Olympics and helped the United States win the team gold medal.

Hernandez’s complaint to the federation was one of nearly a dozen that led to Haney’s ban, which she is appealing to an arbitrator. It was considered the harshest penalty for emotional and verbal abuse in the sport’s recent history.

The suspension was also viewed as a warning that coaches could now face stiff penalties for the mental and nonsexual abuse that was long accepted in the sport before the Lawrence G. Nassar sexual abuse scandal shed light on the toxic culture in gymnastics. Nassar was the longtime United States national team doctor who in 2018 was sentenced to prison for molesting more than 200 girls and women under the guise of medical treatment.

Haney said the accusations against her — particularly those from Hernandez, whom she coached from age 6 — had come out of nowhere, and she vehemently denied them. More than 30 gymnasts at MG Elite, Haney’s gym in Morganville, N.J., and their families continue to support her and are awaiting her return to the sport, she said. Some have voiced their support for Haney in a YouTube video compiled by the public-relations firm she hired to help restore her reputation.

Haney, 42, said she was convinced that U.S.A. Gymnastics had used her as a scapegoat after its missteps in the Nassar case, in which the organization failed to protect its gymnasts from a sexual predator. The federation needed to do “something bold, something dramatic,” she said, to prove to the public that it cares about its athletes.

“I’ve dedicated my whole life to this,” Haney said, her voice beginning to waver. “To be out of the gym has been really hard. I feel like it was unfairly taken away from me.”

Haney’s accusers have not wavered. They say the ban is warranted, and some even wanted a permanent one. They claim that she bullied her gymnasts, publicly shamed them about their weight, encouraged eating disorders and forced them to train with injuries.

Hernandez, who is now training in California for the Tokyo Olympics next summer, told The Times in April that Haney’s treatment of her was “just so twisted that I thought it couldn’t be real.” She said the abuse included Haney calling her weak, lazy and messed up in the head and that the emotional abuse led to a continuing battle with depression.

Riley McCusker, who has a good chance of making the United States team for the Tokyo Games, filed a lawsuit against Haney last month. Among the accusations in the complaint was that Haney had forced McCusker to train through injuries, including while she had a painful, potentially serious medical condition called rhabdomyolysis, which is a breakdown of muscle tissue that can happen from overexertion.

In a separate lawsuit filed last month, another gymnast, Emily Liszewski, a sophomore at the University of Pittsburgh, accused Haney and an assistant coach of forcing her to perform an advanced skill on the uneven bars at the Arena Gym, a gym not far from MG Elite, and it led her to fall and hit her head. Liszewski was unconscious for three days, with multiple skull fractures, and had seizures because of the injury, the lawsuit said. The suit also claimed that Haney once picked Liszewski up from the floor by her hair after the gymnast had fallen.

“These situations are not at all the way I recall them,” Haney said, adding that Hernandez’s mother and McCusker’s mother were often in the gym — sometimes on the training floor — but never expressed displeasure over her demanding coaching style. (Neither mother responded to a request made through a representative to comment for this article.)

Haney added: “I just think when money gets involved, people will say and do different things. I think a lot of this is about money.”

The arbitrator’s ruling on Haney’s appeal is expected in the coming days, said one of her lawyers, Steven Altman. He said he hoped that Haney’s suspension would be rescinded because U.S.A. Gymnastics’s hearing for the case had been biased and flawed, and “as a practical matter, a kangaroo court.” Seven of Haney’s accusers were not even coached by her, Altman said, and the gym offered a fun environment amid the intense training that is generally needed to master the sport’s daring moves.

“When they were doing gymnastics, it was serious,” Altman said. “They worked on life-threatening skills for hours a day.”

U.S.A. Gymnastics, in an emailed statement, said on Sunday that Haney’s hearing was “both fair and impartial, and adhered to the requirements” of the organization’s procedures, as well as the law that oversees Olympic sports in the United States.

Haney conceded she could be intense in the gym. But she said that most of the time “everybody is smiling and laughing and music is playing.” She carefully crafted the atmosphere at the gym, she said, knowing that parents had entrusted her with their children, at times from morning until evening. The program, Haney said, included closely monitored online learning, a certified teacher holding classes during the day and an emphasis on safety.

As a young gymnast herself, training in an elite program for a while, Haney worked with harsh coaches who screamed at the girls, she recalled, and had them step onto a scale daily, then listed everyone’s weight on a bulletin board in the gym. To make the girls lose weight, the coaches forced them to wear rubber suits or 20-pound belts and jog around the gym, she said.

“It didn’t faze me and didn’t bother me, but that kid next to me, it could’ve really bothered and scared them,” she said, adding that she never weighed her gymnasts or forced them to lose weight. “I think what I’ve learned over the last year is that so much of this comes down to perspective. Every person. Every athlete. Every coach. They have their own perspective of things.”

Some of the families whose children continue to train at MG Elite were drawn to her gym because of what they described as an exacting nature.

Henry Rivera, an engineer at a software company, moved his 12-year-old daughter to MG Elite last year so she could train with Haney. He said she had left her previous gym because her routines were getting sloppy and the coach there was pushing her to perform skills she didn’t feel prepared to do.

Rivera said he appreciated that Haney had made the gym a safe space for his daughter, yet never babied her.

“If I wanted her to come home happy and smiling every day, I’d send her to clown school; I’m serious,” Rivera said. “If my daughter has goals and her goal is to be an elite athlete, I need a coach to teach her the right things and safely, and to push them.”

Rivera said if Haney ever was abusive to his daughter, he would have noticed because he monitors what she is going through “emotionally, mentally and physically,” considering it his job as a parent.

“As parents, we need to be vigilant,” he said. “And if you don’t like it, get up and leave.”

In a telephone interview with her parents standing by, his daughter, Hezly, said Haney just wanted her gymnasts to be the best and was tough on them, “but not like to the point where it was horrible.” She said that she was sad to see Haney go and that she missed her.

“She never crossed the line,’’ she said.

Another parent at the gym, Charisse Dash, is a sports agent who recruits athletes from the Dominican Republic to play in Major League Baseball. Her 10-year-old daughter has worked with Haney since she was 6.

“You’re not there to play, you’re there to work,” Dash said, describing that type of gymnastics as “a 9-to-5 job.”

She added: “Do I classify the rigor of the training as abuse? I think you really have to see it on a case-by-case basis.”

Dash said she and her husband ran “a very tight ship” at home with their five children, where screaming, not coddling, was common. So, to them, Haney’s demanding style was a great fit.

“I don’t think it’s fair to say that Maggie is an abuser, by all means,” Dash said. “It depends on how much any child or any person can tolerate.”

Haney’s U.S.A. Gymnastics hearing in February and March was held by telephone, and Haney listened to weeks of it while huddled in a closet so her two children would not interrupt her. About a half-dozen parents testified in support of her, but not all of the parents who wanted to testify were given the chance to, she said. Even when Haney herself testified, she said, she felt that her side of the story didn’t matter. She was sure the three-person hearing panel had already made up its mind.

Some of the gymnasts who accused her of abuse, she said, had been asked to leave the gym because they could not physically keep up. The part she remembers as the worst, though, was sitting through Hernandez’s live testimony. Haney considered their relationship strong, so it was inconceivable to her that Hernandez felt mistreated.

Hernandez often slept at Haney’s house and was considered a part of the family, Haney said. Haney took Hernandez to the beach, to restaurants, to get her nails done, and gave her a tuition break at the gym. When she and Hernandez returned from the 2016 Olympics, Haney said, she helped organize a parade in her town, in Hernandez’s honor.

When Hernandez was competing on the television show “Dancing With the Stars” soon after the Rio Games, Haney said, she spoke to her one night for three hours. The coach remembered their talking like old friends, about makeup and music and how Haney, with her perfectionist’s eye, noticed that Hernandez’s foot had slipped during an earlier dance, but that she had covered the mistake well. Haney recalled telling Hernandez to enjoy her break from gymnastics.

“You’re a star now,” Haney said she told her.

Within days, Laurie Hernandez’s mother, Wanda, called Haney to say that they were cutting all ties. Though Wanda Hernandez told The Times in April that she had severed the relationship after learning that Haney had mistreated her daughter, Haney said she was blindsided by the move and now thinks it was financially motivated because the Hernandezes first offered her a cut of Laurie’s income after the Olympics, but then did not follow through.

“For me, it was never about the money,” Haney said. “I just remember being so confused and not understanding any of it.”

Neither Wanda nor Laurie Hernandez responded to interview requests made through Laurie’s agent, Sheryl Shade.

The situation left Haney wondering what she had done wrong. She said she had been protective of her gymnasts, even when it came to food, as she watched other coaches at meets hover over the meal table to control their athletes’ consumption.

“My kids were never the ones stuffing bread into their pockets,” she said, describing how some athletes felt compelled to sneak food back to their rooms.

She said she encouraged her gymnasts to make smart choices, though McCusker’s lawsuit said Haney promoted unhealthy eating and weight-loss habits.

Haney acknowledged that there had recently been a change in how some gymnasts expected to be treated by their coaches, especially since this summer, when hundreds of them worldwide began speaking out about the abuse they endured from tyrannical coaches.

Many coaches, Haney said, now don’t know when they might cross the line or upset an especially sensitive child or parent, so they “are just letting the girls do whatever because they don’t want to get in trouble.”

The culture has shifted perhaps too far, she said, and she expects the sport, going forward, to be filled with underachievers. She said she thinks coaches will not push their athletes as hard.

Haney blames parents for that. They have become too invested in their daughters’ success, she said, and now are emboldened to lash out at anyone — and potentially crush anyone — who stands in their daughters’ way.

“I feel that somebody needs to stand up for coaches,” Haney said. “If I don’t stand up and fight for the truth, then other coaches aren’t going to, either. I know if this can happen to me, I think it can happen to anyone.”

Video linked in the article if you’re feeling like extra self-punishing today: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&fbclid=IwAR01mlcDzMzw8RlzbRS97gXD5f0vIucwBZEdXuPqZJiMalbLZZI8lj7OCwI&feature=youtu.be&v=5YyrN7nZwx0#menu&ab_channel=GymFacts

[tessisawriter]

Night Changes (Elias Pettersson)

Request: 72 with Eias Pettersson 🤩🤩

A/N: Lightly inspired by One Direction’s “Night Changes” (link here).

Warnings: One swear word, angst

Word Count: 1.4k

The minute you walked into Elias’ apartment, you sensed something was off.

“El? Where are you?” you called as you closed the door behind you in the foyer and put your backpack down on the floor. Being a second-semester junior at UBC was hard enough with all the work, but your back and neck were feeling the strain from the many textbooks in your bag. When you turned around, you found Elias standing in the living room. He was wearing a Canucks t-shirt and sweats, his usual attire, but his mannerisms were off: instead of smiling, he was just staring at you.

You walked up to him and laughed as you waved your hand in his face and said, “Earth to Elias!”

Elias’ lips curved up into a slight smile. “Hey,” he said, but he sounded odd.

“What’s wrong? Bad day at practice?”

“No.”

You raised your eyebrows. He was acting so weird, and you’d be damned if you didn’t get to the bottom of it. “Seriously, El, what’s the matter?”

“Nothing! Why don’t you just leave me the fuck alone, Y/N?”

You flinched, shocked by his outburst. You had been best friends with Elias ever since he arrived in Vancouver almost two years ago, and not once had he raised his voice at you. It was his polite and kind manner that caught your attention when you first met.

You had been sitting in the travel section at the bookstore at the beginning of your sophomore year reading a book about Sweden when you heard someone speak.

“Sweden, huh?”

You looked up and found a boy about 19 or 20 years old with white-blonde hair and blue eyes looking down at you. You couldn’t help but stare, and you blushed when he raised an eyebrow to get your attention. “Uh, yeah. I’m thinking about going there for winter break.”

“You’re in college?”

“Yeah, I’m a sophomore at UBC. You?”

“Oh, I…I’m not in college.”

“You’re in high school?” You were horrified.

“No, no, I’m 19,” he replied hastily. “I’m Elias, by the way. And you are?”

“Y/N,” you said. “So if you’re not in college, what do you do?”

“I came here to play hockey, from Sweden, actually.”

You couldn’t put your finger on it, but something about him intrigued you so much that you overcame your shyness and said, “These guide books suck. Do you want to maybe have coffee in the café and tell me more about Sweden?”

He smiled at you. “Yeah, that sounds great.”

The two of you ended up sitting at the café talking for hours that day. You quickly learned that you had a lot in common: you both liked to travel, were on the quieter side but still friendly and naturally empathetic, and most importantly, neither one of you was from Canada. Elias had moved to Vancouver only a few weeks earlier to play for the Vancouver Canucks in the NHL, and you moved from New York the previous year to attend UBC. While you had a few friends from school who were very nice, they were either from British Columbia or Alberta, so they didn’t understand what it was like to move 3,000 miles to a new country. Elias was the first person you met who could truly relate to your unique situation.

“Why Vancouver?” he asked while you sipped your tea at the café.

“I have a bunch of relatives from the Pac Northwest,” you replied. “They’re much more relaxed than the people on the East Coast, and I found myself wanting a change in lifestyle and country.”

“Where do they live?”

“All over the place. Portland and Salem in Oregon, San Francisco in California, and Seattle and Vancouver in Washington State…”

“There’s a place called Vancouver in Washington?” he interjected.

“Yeah, it’s right across the river from Portland. Weird, I know.”

“So all of your relatives live in the States?” he asked, and you nodded in response. “Then why did you move to Canada?”

You had to give it to him: Elias was perceptive. “Seattle is the new Silicon Valley,” you explained, “and it’s more established. Did you know that most places in British Columbia weren’t even on the world map in the 1920s?”

“Really?” he seemed genuinely surprised.

“Yep, it’s true. I needed a fresh start, and Vancouver seemed like the right place for me.”

It turned out you were right not only about that, but also in taking a risk and initiating a friendship with Elias in the bookstore that day. In each other, you found the missing piece that allowed you to build happy lives in Vancouver, and the two of you quickly became inseparable. Elias welcomed you into his social circle, and many of his teammates were your friends just as much as they were his. Since you weren’t used to the bubble that was the professional hockey world, you kept Elias grounded.

Now, you took a step back from him and said, “What’s your problem, El? I’m just trying to help you!”

“If you really want to help me, you’ll admit that you have feelings for me.”

You froze. “What?”

He laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Are you seriously telling me that you didn’t feel anything shift in Sweden this past summer?”

Your heart started beating hard in your chest. While you didn’t end up going to Sweden over winter break, you and your parents went there with Elias and his family after witnessing him win the Calder Trophy for best rookie in Las Vegas. You and your parents went to Stockholm before spending a few weeks in Elias’ hometown. Your parents hit it off with the Petterssons, so you and Elias had a lot of quality time alone together.

After Elias hugged you goodbye and you waited at the gate for your plane to board at the airport, you realized you had fallen for your best friend.

You didn’t tell him how you felt when he returned to Vancouver a month later, though, because you didn’t want to risk losing your friendship. Even if he somehow reciprocated your feelings, Elias’ life was complicated, and who knew whether your relationship would survive all the pressure he was under?

That was why you took a deep breath and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Instead of being deterred, Elias took a step forward and cupped your cheek with his right hand. “Keep talking all you want, but you can’t deny that you want me as much as I want you.”

You tried to keep your face blank and body still so that he couldn’t get a read on your emotions, but his confession made it impossible for you to succeed. You leaned into his touch.

“I knew it,” he breathed, leaning his forehead against yours. You let him stay there for a moment before pulling back. 

Elias looked baffled. “Why are you fighting it, Y/N? I love you, and you love me, too.”

Your lips trembled, but you refused to let yourself cry. “I don’t want things to change.”

“What do you mean?” Even though your foreheads weren’t connected anymore, you didn’t move far enough away to make him drop his hand from your cheek, so he soothingly rubbed his thumb back and forth as he waited for your reply.

“Your life is crazy, El,” you told the truth. “What if you’re under so much pressure that our relationship falls through the cracks? Then I’ll not only be losing my boyfriend, but also my best friend.”

Hurt bloomed in his blue eyes, but he looked you in the eye and said, “I would never let that happen, Y/N. You want to know why? Because I’ve been in love with you since the day we first met, and every day since then has only made me more convinced that you’re the one.”

You let out a shaky breath. “Really?”

“Really. It was fate that put us in the same section in the bookstore at the same time that day. You and I are meant to be together. I promise that I’ll communicate with you, even when things get rough and I’m in a bad mood, and no matter what happens, it will never change me and you. Okay?”

“Okay,” you said, and Elias closed the distance between you again and kissed you for the first of what you hoped would be many times.

[kaepop-trash]

I'm so excited for the new ambition chapter!!!! I was wondering if you'd show Jaehyun's initial perspective to falling in love with yn. I can't decide if he would be angry or confused. Hope I'm not asking for a lot

This took me a while to answer and I'm sorry for this. I had the break in between when I wasn't writing and even then it took a bit for me to find something that could answer this as concisely as possible. Truthfully an initial perspective is hard because it definitely was an excruciatingly slow process for him. Consider that it took him till they weren't together to even confess that he was, in fact, in love. He was definitely both angry and confused. You aren't asking for a lot at all, I hope this answers your questions.

_

It was the first time Jaehyun was in court. He grumbled about it all the way there but his mother had insisted and Jaehyun could never deny his mother's requests.

At the moment he sat between his mother and (Y/N). His mother looked over to give her a reassuring smile, reaching over to squeeze her hand. When he turned to look at her he could see that she tried her best to return it.

The trial was long and Jaehyun felt terribly impatient in his seat, readjusting in his seat every few moments to ease his now sore muscles. At some point, (Y/N) snapped her head towards him, a scowl on her face.

"Can you stop that?" Despite the low murmur, her eyes flared. "Nobody asked you to be here." She gave him a last cold glare before looking back at the judge.

Jaehyun felt impossibly at loss. He also felt a little annoyed.

"I didn't want to be here." He frowned at her.

She didn't even turn to look at him, "Then leave."

He huffed under his breath, reminding himself that he was here because his mother asked him to be.

The sound of the gavel took his attention off her irreverence.

.

"As you can see, your honour. The defendant is a family man." The lawyer pointed at the bench where they sat. Despite his irritation, he turned to look at her— her hands clenching her dress, yet her expression passive. "His family is here to support him. He isn't a flight risk, I request that bail be allowed."

The judge looked her (Y/N)'s mother, "Do you think it's right to bring his daughter to court on a Thursday?" He turned an impatient scowl to the lawyer.

In the end, bail was not allowed. Jaehyun watched her eyes shatter, and he watched her face remain void the entire hearing.

"(Y/N) should join us for dinner, right Jaehyun?" His mother had that forced sweetness in her voice she had when she spoke to his father. He gave her a brisk nod.

(Y/N) turned a nervous look to her own mother, who gave her a warning glance. "I don't think–" she turned back to his mother.

"Nonsense. I will not hear it, I asked the cook to make pork chops. I know you like it." Jaehyun saw his mother's warm smile, laced with sympathy; and he saw the way (Y/N)'s eyes glazed over when she saw it. She looked away and gave her a distracted nod.

"You have Jaehyun to keep you company, so don't worry about being bored." She gently patted her hair. Jaehyun saw (Y/N) blink at the floor.

He bit his lip, stuck somewhere between empathy and intrigue.

_

Jaehyun sat at the dining table with his jaw set so hard that he thought his teeth would shatter.

It was summer. Summer was when he and his cousins spent at least a month in Georgia with their grandparents. It was a tradition that he honoured each year because his mother's parents were worth the trouble. He also enjoyed spending the season at their orchard.

Right now, he wished to go back home.

Jungkook sat across from him, leaning so close to (Y/N) that he was practically sitting on her. He said something himself and laughed, she gave him a smile. Why Jungkook thought it was fine to bring his girlfriend to their grandparents home, Jaehyun did not know. It was impertinent and uncalled for.

Jungkook leaned closer to her, saying something that made her turn to him with knitted brows. Their noses brushed together.

Jaehyun's jaw throbbed from the added pressure.

Jaehyun turned to the head of the table, towards his grandparents. "We haven't gone to pick peaches yet." His fingers toyed with a fork.

His grandmother looked up, surprise in her eyes because Jaehyun said the right words. She was very proud of her peaches and he knew it.

"You children are all grown up now. I thought I'd spare you the days to do your own things. Enjoy your summer." She laughed.

"I'm never too old to hold your basket while you pick the sweetest peaches, Granny." He gave her his warmest smile, she smiled at him affectionately.

His grandmother turned towards the table, "I will go tomorrow." She stated to all the cousins. The younger ones nodded eagerly, some of the older ones reluctantly agreed.

"I think I'll pass." Jungkook scoffed, reaching over the table to grab a bread roll.

Their grandmother's face fell. Jaehyun's eyes danced with victory.

"Have you ever picked peaches from trees, (Y/N)." Jaehyun kept his voice deliberately casual.

She looked up at him, caught off-guard entirely. Between his polite voice, and his sudden acknowledgement. Jaehyun could understand the confusion.

"No." She said after a moment.

"You should come!" One of his younger cousins shook (Y/N)'s arm eagerly, "I'll show you the tree I planted myself. We all have one." She smiled.

(Y/N) gave her a warm smile, nodding at her. However hesitant it was, did not matter. Jaehyun's strategy seemed to work perfectly. He turned to his grandfather this time.

"(Y/N) likes horses, grandfather." Jaehyun spoke— a breezy nonchalance in his demeanor. "She even has one, if memory serves." He turned to her with a squint, pretending to recall.

She gave him a suspicious nod. He lit his eyes with realisation then turned back to his grandfather with a pleasant smile, "I know you're always trying to involve us in your talks of breeds and pelts. You might actually find a keen ear in her." He laughed softly, consideration and humour in his tone.

His grandfather's eyes lit up with delight, turning to her. "What type is your horse?" He questioned her.

"Gaited. I don't race professionally and she's a gentle breed which is suited to my temperament." She answered, her voice settling on the tone it did when she spoke about something she knew well.

"Most of mine are thoroughbreds." He answered back. She smiled at him.

"I'd love to see them if you'd like." She asked politely.

"You can take one for a ride, if you please. These days only the jockeys take them out." He offered, her eyes lighting up.

Another sense of victory coursed through Jaehyun, he turned to glance at Jungkook. He watched him back with a deep frown, his jaw set tight this time around.

Jaehyun looked away to talk to his cousin sister beside him, a small smile on his face.

.

Jaehyun was on his way to his room, a glass of warm milk in his hand to help him sleep. His steps faltered as he crossed a veranda. He took a few steps back, not sure if he saw correctly.

Jungkook stood at the edge, his phone on his ear and looking stressed over whatever he was talking about.

Jaehyun didn't know that Jeon Jungkook had anything to stress about other than football. The moron didn't even bother closing the door behind him. Jungkook turned to face away from the door, towards the parapet. Jaehyun came out of the shadows towards the door.

With a swift motion and soft steps, Jaehyun slipeed into the balmy summer night.

"I brought her with me because she's my girlfriend, Jennie." He groaned, "I know. But her mother is in California and I thought it was the right thing to do. You're in New Zealand, why are you shouting?" He huffed.

There was a silence while Jungkook listened to whatever the person on the other end was saying. In the silence of the night with only crickets chirping in the distance, Jaehyun could hear the tone of the person Jungkook was speaking to. She was screaming.

"Don't say that. You know I care about you. But (Y/N) is my girlfriend." He sighed, taking his phone off his hear like the person on the other end hung up.

"You never change, do you?" Jaehyun spoke as Jungkook was turning.

The look he had in his eyes, the terror of being caught, it gave Jaehyun a rush. "This is none of your business." Jungkook gave him a displeased look.

"I didn't say it was." Jaehyun placed his glass on a deck table, slipping his hands into the pockets of his joggers and walking closer to Jungkook.

"Then what do you want?" Jungkook spoke through gritted teeth, like a child throwing a tantrum. In that moment, Jaehyun couldn't believe that they were the same age.

He gave him a smile, "Cheating on your girlfriend is not nice, Jeon Jungkook. Especially not when the girlfriend is (Y/N)." Jaehyun clicked his tongue.

"Why? Does it bother you because it's her?" Jungkook spat, smirking like he caught Jaehyun with his hands in his pants. Jaehyun wanted to laugh.

"No. Because (Y/N) will get her retribution, and she'll do it in a way that will make you wish you never met her." Jaehyun shrugged.

There was another flash of terror in Jungkook's eyes, then uncertainty.

After that he scoffed nervously, "You say that like you know her better than me, Jaehyun."

That made Jaehyun frown, "I've known her longer than you have." He reminded her.

"Hardly." Jungkook scoffed again.

Jaehyun willed his face back to nonchalance. "I know her well enough. I'm merely giving you a well deserved warning." He shrugged.

"She won't know if you don't tell her." Jungkook narrowed his eyes at him.

Anger surged through Jaehyun when he realised that he had no intention to stop.

Jungkook lifted his brows, "You can keep being our grandparents favourite, Jaehyun. But she's mine. You bring her into anything again and I will destroy you." Jungkook came closer, trying to intimidate him though he was a few inches shorter.

It didn't work.

_

Jaehyun was so tired after study group that his eyes seemed to stick together. Ever since he started law school, Jaehyun wasn't sure of the last time he had gotten a decent amount of sleep. Beside him, he heard feet shuffle. He looked over at (Y/N), fighting a smile as she almost tumbled over in exhaustion.

He grabbed her hand to give her support. She blinked her eyes with force, willing them to stay open.

"We'll die so young." She mumbled.

A tired laugh escaped from Jaehyun's lips. The delirium of sleep making his head fall back as he laughed a little more, the sound coming from deep within his chest, like it was genuine.

When his eyes fluttered to her, she was watching him. Lips parted and eyes drenched in something intimate. Jaehyun's eyes unfocused for the briefest moment— from the lack of sleep or something else, he did not know. Then they focused back on her face and his heart picked up like a race horse on it's final sprint.

She looked away too soon, clearing her throat and looking down to her feet. The hood of her sweatshirt was draped over her head to shield her ears from the cold. Jaehyun's eyes traced her silhouette: the soft touch of her lashes, the curve of her nose and the inflicted pout of her lips. A thought that he always knew for a fact seemed to suddenly light up in his head like a neon sign.

She was breathtaking.

He thought the realisation was making him dizzy, but it was just the fact that he hadn't taken a breath in a few long seconds.

He inhaled sharply. She looked up at him, frowning.

"Are you okay? You look like you're going to pass out." There was earnest concern in her eyes.

He gave her a wide smile, his cheeks dipping into it's signature dimples. Her face tinted red, watching him intently.

She stopped walking, turning away to go towards her dorm. He grabbed her wrist without thinking.

She turned to look at him, something akin to fear in her eyes before looking down at his hand.

"I'm too tired to have sex." She gave him a passive look. Indignation made his fingers almost give way. Then his eyes drifted to her other hand, clenched on her t-shirt.

His fingers tightened, "We don't have to have sex. Come home with me." He looked up at her, putting all the vulnerability he could ever have into his voice. "We'll die young anyway."

Her lips parted, then she closed them to chew on her bottom lip. Her eyebrows knitted, then she parted her lips again before her mouth formed a straight line. He waited patiently. She turned back to him, her steps bringing her by his side again.

She gave him a nod, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

Ambition Series

[isthisthingeven0n]

belated celebrations : d.d

brief summary: being an actress has plenty of benefits, but you can’t help but miss home and everyone now and then. however, you manage to find time to visit david, only for him to have a belated birthday surprise in store for you 

word count:  1.2k requested: yes by a sweet anon, i hope you enjoy reading :) warnings: none that i’m aware of? but if there are any do let me know!

* masterlistin’ / masterlistin’ 2.0

(everything on my blog is my own writing. if it is shared on another page or website know it isn’t me. all rights reserved. - i have to start doing this as I had some shit on my other blog with plagiarism)

You were exhausted, there was no denying that. But, it comes with the job and that is not something you’d give up for anything. It did result in the time you spent at home with your friends and family was restricted, but they were always understanding of your schedule.

Sometimes it meant you missed events, parties and meetings. You’re informed through group chats and social media posts of the things you didn’t witness first hand. It stung occasionally as you sat in hair and makeup, allowing yourself an hour to scroll through your Instagram feed seeing those you love with bright smiles altogether. 

“Hey, Y/n?” A knock on your trailer snaps you from your deep thought as you sit still, having your makeup touched up as you cuddle a pillow David had gifted you during your shoots away from LA. 

Glancing up, you smile as your assistant walks in as he lifts his eyes from his phone to focus on you. “How’s it going, Jonny?” You question, watching as he scrolls through his phone, his eyes wandering through your schedule which reflects in his glasses. 

“So we’ve pushed back your meetings and casting calls until next week,” He explains and you nod along as you normally do.

“Wait, what?” You pipe in, processing what he just said as your makeup artist moves aside. “Why have things been pushed back?” Your brows furrow together in confusion as Jonny mumbles incoherently under his breath.

“Well, David asked me to clear your schedule for the rest of the week.” Jonny tells you slowly, a hint of a smile crossing his lips as you lean back in your chair, a state of disbelief as you exhale deeply. “He, he said it’d be worth it.” He adds, hoping to ease your annoyance at the sudden change in schedule.

Smiling to yourself you sit back upright. “What time’s my flight?” 

“In five hours.” Jonny tells you, giving a look to your makeup team who quickly depart. “Don’t worry, there’s enough time to film your last scene of the day. Your bags are all packed for you to dart outta here when you wrap up.” Jonny explains as you rise to your feet, picking up your jacket and glasses before exiting the trailer with him following behind you. 

“Well then,” You spin on your heels, facing Jonny with excitement in your eyes. “better get this wrapped up.” Walking off, Jonny nods as he returns to work, making sure everything is under control just like David asked. 

*

As the plane comes into landing, you sit upright as you nudge Jonny who awakes in a startle. “We’re here, J.” You tell him with a growing smile on your lips, realising you were finally home. 

Once you pass through border control you wander out into the arrivals lounge. “They said a driver would be here to pick us up.” Jonny mutters, scrolling through his emails as he remains blissfully unaware of who the driver actually is.

You come to a halt, noticing the sign he made that looks like Charlie or Wyatt had a helping hand in making. “He’s kinda cute.” You joke, watching as Jonny looks up and before he can say anything, you rush over into David’s arms. 

Burying yourself into David, you listen to him laughing at your reaction. “Do you normally greet drivers like this?” David jokes as you pull away, unable to wipe the smile from your face as you kiss him. 

Jonny stands behind, clearing his throat. You pull away from David’s embrace, but his hand quickly finds yours. “Good to see you David.” Jonny speaks up, and David shakes his hand as always. “So, where’s the car then?” He wheels the suitcases, taking mine before I can object. 

As we arrive outside of my house, I let out a small sigh. The small plants that David helped me plant last summer have started to die from the absence of both rain in California and me to water them. But besides them, everything appears untouched. 

“Like I never left, huh?” You turn to David who flashes a small smile, knowing it’s never the same without you around. 

Unlocking the front door, you notice the dust that floats in the air. It hovers heavily over framed photos and awards you’ve collected over the years along with the memories that line your shelves. A smile rises across your face, remembering each event the photos were taken. 

You make your way into the kitchen and take a seat, forgetting how much you miss home sometimes. “Knock knock?” David leans against the empty doorframe to the kitchen, spotting you hunched over the breakfast bar. “Everything okay?” Concern laces his tone as he wraps his arms around you, feeling you lean back into his embrace. 

“I just forget what home feels like sometimes.” You admit aloud, closing your eyes. “Just to have a place where no one is constantly coming in and going moments later. No one comes in to touch up my makeup or check my lines.” You ramble before cutting yourself off.

“It’s okay to get homesick, baby.” David mutters into your neck, burying his head into the crook of your neck as you sigh deeply. “But I can guarantee the next few days will be worth coming home for.” 

You chuckle light-heartedly as you remain in his embrace for a little longer, not wanting to part just yet. “How you managed this amazes me, Dave.” You admit, wondering how many people it took to persuade to allow you this time. 

“You can thank the geniuses behind it tonight.” He tells you before giving you a quick kiss on the cheek before slipping away from your embrace. 

“Wait, what’s tonight?” You call out as he runs out of the kitchen and up the stairs. 

Rolling your eyes, you follow the sound of his footsteps and toward your bedroom. As you push the door open there’s a beautiful dress in ivy. “What?” You mumble under your breath as you lift it up, admiring it as David appears from behind the door.

“Do you like it?” He questions, catching you off guard as you remain slightly speechless. 

“What am I wearing this to?” You raise an eyebrow and David smiles. 

“I might’ve booked us dinner at your favourite restaurant.” He admits and you chuckle, shaking your head in disbelief. 

“But Dave, that’s in New York.” You tell him, but he nods regardless. “Wait, what?” You raise your voice, seeing his smile widen at your shock. 

“Everyone’s in New York already. We’re flying private with Natalie and Taylor in,” He pauses, reaching for his phone as he checks the time. “three hours.” 

Your lips part as words fail to follow through. “I, what, how?” You stumble as David steps closer, shrugging his shoulders. “You’re crazy, you know that David?” You joke and he nods before pulling you closer.

“Happy birthday, Y/n.” He whispers into your lips. “Well, belated birthday.” He adds before kissing you, knowing the events ahead will be a whirlwind of fun and laughs now that you’re home.