#But I'm still anxious and I don't know what else I'm supposed to DO anymore

[hillerska-official]

(Ignore me I just gotta scream a bit before I lose my mind entirely)

[furiousgoldfish]

Traumatized people are often advised to 'keep it under control' and 'find a way to contain it', and I always felt it was a fault of mine, if I freak out, or panic, or have an anxiety attack, or can't stop shaking or shivering. Now that I no longer have extreme bouts of panic, I'm starting to understand how much fear, panic and pain I contain within myself every day.

If I'm in a place that makes me anxious, I stay still, I do nothing. If I'm panicking, I will modify my behavior to the point where nobody around me will be able to see and realize that I'm panicking, I will seem happy, and pleasing. If I'm experiencing intense rage or frustration, I will shut down and won't respond or interact with anyone until I figure out what is a reasonable and logical thing to do. I am containing everything, constantly. And it's only a part of what I've been containing and keeping under control, I used to contain terror every day. I am used to circumstances where I had to act normal under threat of violence, threat to my life, every single day. I had to walk around like nothing is wrong while I was dissociating so heavily I couldn't tell if the world was even real. I was blaming myself if there was a momentary lapse of control, if the panic I was containing for months leaked out of me a little. The thought of not being able to keep it down terrified me.

I blamed myself for not being able to keep mountains of fear, grief, anger and panic under a guise, which a human being is not supposed to do. Our reactions of fear, panic and rage are there in order to point out that something is deeply wrong, that we're unsafe, that our circumstances need to change and we need safety, now. Keeping that shit contained and controlled is trying to bypass human instincts, fighting against human nature, and I did that, we all did that, because it was the only thing we were ever told to do with it. We'd be punished for anything else, threatened for any other kind of response that isn't containing and keeping it down.

And now when keeping it down is no longer humanely possible, because we did it for so long we wore our entire spirits down, now we get told we need to do more of it? More of pretense that things are fine, more of guilt and shame for not managing to be a closed human container of panic and pain? We were never supposed to keep that much in. Keeping all that inside and learning to control myself taught me to be what I am right now, keeping any inconvenient emotion down only so I could break down in private, or try to keep it down indefinitely, because I don't know any other way to live anymore. Fighting against my own instincts and fawning at others is just who I am now, and it's not who I'm supposed to be. Panic is supposed to be loud and alarming, pain is supposed to be heard, people are supposed to react with offering safety and change of circumstances that led to this. Not telling the scared, pained and panicked people to 'keep it down'.

[weepingchronicles]

hii can you pls make a yandere caitlyn x reader where the reader tries escaping while cait isn't home but the reader obvi gets caught?? feel free 2 ignore💗💗

part one part two

❝yandere!caitlyn kiramman x gn!reader escaping❞

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 You had finally curated the perfect escape plan. You almost lost home, Caitlyn was too meticulous and could see through an act you put on no matter what. But when she got an emergency in Piltover, it was her duty as an enforcer to help. The spontaneity gave you the perfect opportunity to leave.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 After weeks of behaving, you secretly absorbed as much information as possible to bypass any security Caitlyn put in place.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 As soon as the warm sun hit your face and fresh air flooded into your lungs, you couldn't stop the happy tears building up in your eyes. You had forgotten what a privilege your freedom outside is. No more overbearing, clingy, protective enforcer as your side anymore! You'd change your name, your appearance if need be to escape her.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 Everything was cut short when you found an enforcer. They'll help you! You were once an enforcer after all, they'd have to believe you even if its been awhile. Right?

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 "Ryan! You don't know how glad I am to see you!" You restrained yourself from clinging onto him into relief. It's been so long since you've finally felt free. You quickly explained him everything, how you've been entrapped by Caitlyn, not realizing you sound a bit delirious.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 Ryan just nods, a uncomfortable smile on his face. "Great.. does um, Caitlyn know you are here?"

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 "What? No, of course not! I'm trying to escape her. You have to help me!"

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁"Yeah, yeah, of course. But maybe we should get some backup first, okay?" He says soothingly but you're already scoffing at his comment. You recognize that tone, the same condescending and fragility that Caitlyn treats you with!

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 "Fine, but hurry!" You shout, getting anxious Caitlyn might've found out you're not at home still.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 Just as you're about to shout again to announce your impatientness a white gloved hand reaches out and grips your wrist with ferocity. It was Caitlyn.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 You look up at her like you seen a friggin' ghost, your heartrate dropping then picking back up exponentially like a rabbit.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 "Ah, thank you, Ryan for telling me to come pick up Y/N. I was really worried for a minute there, they are suppose to be on bedrest. For a very long time." Caitlyn's sapphire eyes snap back to you, almost signaling you to keep quiet. A warning. But you couldn't help but defend yourself.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 "No, help! She's fucking crazy! She drugged and kidnapped me—"

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 Both Ryan and Caitlyn have a conversation as if you're not even there. Like you're the ghost.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 "Yeah, it's been very hard. Ever since the accident she hasn't been the same, her memories are so backwards. She gets delusions that I'm Jinx trying to hurt her. It's so.." Caitlyn fakes a down cast look, making Ryan pity her and put a hand on her shoulder for comfort.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 "Don't worry, I completely understand. You're doing a good thing, Cait. Do you need any help getting her back home?" Caitlyn quickly declines, flashing a discreet charming smile.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 After that it was hell. Caitlyn dragged you back home as if nothing was wrong and you didn't bother trying to escape again. She could restrain you easily, shoot you in the leg, anything. And her bruising grip on your shoulders was enough of a effective warning.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 The rest of the months was indeed spent with you on your "bedrest" even though you had no need for it. You were chained nearly 24/7 and when you weren't, Caitlyn was at your side. She'd bathe you, spoon feed you, make you succumb to her control in every little thing. Asserting that you have no power here, you can't do anything yourself especially when no one else on the outside believes you are mentally sound.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 The punishment was long but it eventually got easier, the more you let yourself accept it. You leaned into Cait's touch when she'd give you it and you didn't make a fuss every night when she put you down for bed with her. You got more freedoms, more time spent out of chains but still under Caitlyn's scrutinizing watch.

💭 ୧ ‧₊˚ 🧁 But one thing was for certain from the bars on the windows and the locks on the doors, you won't ever be seeing a ray of sunlight again.

art credit: @/kulnifer on twt

[creedslove]

BETRAYED - PART SIX

Pedro Pascal x f!reader

Summary: Pedro invites you to be his plus one for the night but his attention is caught by another woman and leaves you with a broken heart

Warnings: angst, age gap, established friendship, unrequited love/one sided feelings, fluff, glimpse of Pedro being a great (silly) dad, and more angst of course

A/N: I have no idea how you guys are gonna react. I hope you guys like it, because I was very invested and loved writing every single part of this chapter. Don't forget that all ideas and suggestions are more than welcome ❤️

I still can't manually tag people on the works because I use the app and it won't let me do it, that's why I don't have a tag list at all! 

3k words

PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR | PART FIVE

"You did WHAT?" Kate raised her voice without really meaning to, at the shocking news you'd told her. She couldn't believe just a few feet away from where everyone stood, hidden by a couple of trees Pedro had declared his love for you and kissed you.

And the most shocking to her: you had told him to walk away. She was shocked and expressive at first and then she went silent as you finished your account of what had happened. You told her about Pedro's apologies, about how he confessed his feelings and kissed you. And above all, how it took every ounce of strength and self-control to break that kiss.

"And then, what happened next?" She asked with fire in her eyes, anticipation making her anxious and excited to know, which caused you to roll your eyes

"What do you think happened, Kate? You think we just had a quickie in the middle of the bushes?" You groaned and sighed "he walked away, he came back inside, probably went home, I don't know, I came straight to the kitchen to help you" you shrugged. Your heart was still pounding and it felt like it would burst out of your chest at any moment. But that was not the only thing Pedro messed up in your body, you hated yourself to know your lower belly burned in need at the mere memory of his touch, of how warm his body was against yours, how his lips fell perfectly against yours. You hated the fact your arousal pooled in your underwear, every step you took you could feel it and it was a reminder of how he still had power over you, like no other man ever had and you doubted any other man ever would.

Pedro, on the other hand, should've been home at least an hour prior. He was so ashamed of himself for locking himself in the bathroom after what happened, he felt as if he was back in junior high, hiding away after being dumped by the girl he liked.

He stared into his own eyes in the mirror and sighed again, he just couldn't wrap his head around the fact you didn't love him anymore. Maybe you still did, he wasn't sure, but he'd screwed things up so bad you just wouldn't take the chance. And worse, you didn't even believe him. He never thought any of that could happen. He felt so disappointed in himself and didn't understand why he couldn't have been a better man to you, if he had, maybe right now you'd be together. It was no use wondering things now, he knew he'd lost you and he had nothing else to do there, he only wanted to get a glass of water and get the fuck out of that place. He walked silently through the hallway feeling so thankful to see the guests had already left and he didn't have to socialize with anyone, his social battery was drained at that point and he didn't have to pretend to be happy at all.

"But did you even tell him you were dating?" Kate's voice came from the kitchen, making Pedro stop dead in his tracks. He took a deep breath, his gut churning really hoping it would be someone else to reply to the question but you.

"When was I supposed to tell him? When he got his tongue down my throat?" You replied with a hint of annoyance as Kate seemed to be carrying out an interview with you, while you were tired and emotionally exhausted and all you wanted to do was go home.

"Plus, I'm not dating anyone, I'm just seeing Liev, it's not serious, just a few dates here and there…"

"And some fucking too, Y/N, or you really think I haven't noticed how you and him simply disappeared in the middle of dinner the other night and returned to the table all flushed and giggly?" She raised her eyebrow in a playfully way and saw how you blushed

"Kate!!!" You censored her "that's embarrassing, yeah, it happened a few times, so what? I'm single, he is single, or do you really think Pedro doesn't sleep around? I mean, he did when we were friends and close all the time, even if he knew it hurt my feelings, would he stop it now?" You asked "besides, I don't really buy this sudden gust of feelings he's got for me, I mean, the apologies were really important and I felt they were honest, and I really appreciate that, but don't you think it's too much of a coincidence that he suddenly discovers he loves me right when I'm about to walk out his life? You know he loves being loved. There's nothing wrong with that, we all want affection and love, but not when it comes at the cost of someone's happiness" you shrugged and got ready to leave.

Pedro was speechless and unable to move as too much bombarded him at the same time. First of all, you were dating? He couldn't believe his ears at first and it didn't make it any easier when you explained to Kate you weren't dating, you were just fucking the guy. If anything, it made it all worse. He couldn't believe that damn ape got to have access to your gorgeous body, a body that should be his, touched, kissed and worshiped by him and no one but him.

But the moment he heard your suspicions on his feelings, he felt like disappearing. He couldn't even describe how painful it felt, the pang in his chest was intense and he couldn't help but feel his eyes filled with tears. He didn't care if he looked pathetic, childish even, he was broken-hearted and done with that situation.

"Fuck this" he mumbled under his breath and finally exited the house, he was definitely getting you out of his mind.

•••

You hadn't seen Pedro many times after Flora's party. There had been other dinner parties you attended and some you even took Liev along with you, but Pedro was never present. He always came up with excuses saying he was busy doing photoshoots, studying his script or he was just out of town, little did everyone know, he felt left out and offended to know he hadn't been invited to the gatherings right after you two had fallen out. He didn't want to take out on any of your mutual friends, but it did seem to him it was pretty clear they preferred you over him. Not to mention no one wanted to have a simple friend get together turned into an awkward show by you and your boyfriend and Pedro there, lingering and watching you from afar.

But sometimes you two ran into each other at the gym. He usually kept to himself, always greeting you and asking how you were doing, but as soon as he saw Liev approaching, he'd put on his headphones, turn his back to both of you and focus on his training. He hated every single minute of those gym sessions, they were torture, he hated seeing you with that man, and no matter how much he tried not looking at the two of you, he couldn't help doing it. It was like a morbid curiosity that struck him every time and ripped his chest open. So he just decided to change schedules and avoid that sight once for all.

After his training he just shyly waved goodbye to you and headed home, he stepped into the shower in order to clear his mind, hoping he would forget about you and the unresolved feelings that haunted him. Every time he felt his heart ache, he thought of how much you suffered because of him and had to admit to himself that yeah, maybe he did deserve what he was going through. It pained him to think of everything he made you go through, but now you were happy, and as much as he tried being happy for you, he couldn't. It hurt him, but he was an actor after all and he would have no problem pretending for you. If you let him in, he would put on a happy face and support you as much as you helped him.

He got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist, walking to the closet and finding something fresh to wear. Pedro knelt down to look for his pair of sneakers when he came across a box. He frowned softly as he didn't recognize it at first, it took him some time to finally acknowledge the object. It was the box you had handed him his birthday present. You'd always been really good at giving presents and the last birthday you spent together wasn't anything different.

He opened the box and smiled sadly, it somehow still held your perfume inside, making his heart flutter in his chest. He chuckled at the happy memory and frowned as he spotted something under the bow. He hadn't seen that when he got it nor the months that followed it, but now it had caught his attention and he was curious to find what the heck that was. He pulled it carefully, seeing it was a small card and thought maybe it was just something extra that came in with the box and you hadn't noticed it as well.

He still opened and held his breath at the words he found beautifully written. That handwriting he would recognize anywhere.

"I was wondering how long it would take you to find this card… I'm not that great with words, but here it is:

Feliz cumple mi amor. Te deseo toda la felicidad del mundo y quiero que sepas que siempre estaré a tú lado. ¡Te quiero hoy y siempre! **

- Y/N"

Pedro had lost track of how many times he'd read that message over and over, but by the time he was able to put it down, he had made up his mind: he wasn't going to let you go that easily.

•••

You were almost finished preparing dinner, placing the last potatoes in the baking pan and waiting for the oven to reach the right temperature when you heard the doorbell ring. You frowned and checked the clock, it was still early for Liev to show up, so you sighed, feeling a little annoyed at the uninvited guest. You went silent once you opened the door and saw Pedro standing there, he didn't say anything at first either, just scanned you with soft eyes, admiring you, taking in every single beautiful feature he came to love over time.

"Hey mariposa, can we talk?" He asked in his sweet voice, wanting to come inside desperately, you noticed his hands fidgeted with something nervously.

"Sure, Pedro. Come in, let's go to the kitchen, I'm cooking and can't leave stuff unattended" you said giving him space to walk in and saw him following you, you had no idea what that visit was about.

You asked him to make himself at home, offering him something to drink which he politely declined, and observed you put the baking pan into the oven. Only then, he realized how much he missed your cook, how you'd spend the weekends at his home, baking all the things you enjoyed eating, and he would always end up with the dishes as he was not skilled with his cooking at all.

"Listen, princesa, I came here because we need to talk…"

"Pedro please, don't call me that…" you said in a low voice and bit your lips, finally turning to him. You saw him frown and shake his head softly.

"Call you what, hermosa?" He questioned you, seeing a soft flush spreading across your face.

"Calling me those pet names, Pedro… I know I used to like them, but it's not appropriate anymore, I mean, we're not that close and-"

You were interrupted by his hands gripping your hips, squeezing them gently and gluing his body to yours, your faces inches away from each other's, he closed his eyes, leaning towards you, his short beard scratching against your chin, your skin so sensitive to his touch, it sent goosebumps all over it.

"So you don't wanna be my mariposa anymore? You're not mi cariño? Mi hermosa, mi muñequita, mi amor?" He asked in a whisper against your ear. Even if you tried to break free from his touch, which you straight up didn't, it would be impossible. Your body felt on fire at that teasing, at that taunting moment, you hated how Pedro ruined you. But you also loved.

"Answer me, Y/N… I know you don't believe in me, you don't believe in my feelings for you, but guess what, I think you are a lying little shit as well" he kept the same tone, but this time it was followed by soft kisses spread all over your neck, ghosting it softly. "You are a fucking liar Y/N, because you told me you didn't love me anymore" Pedro continued, his lips on your throat, making you squirm as he added his teeth, leaving soft bites all over it, before finally getting to your lips.

He stopped and stared into your eyes, stroking your cheek gently and pecking your lips and chuckling.

"If you don't love me anymore, care to explain this?" He showed you the card you had written for his birthday, seeing your widened eyes and your disbelief. You hadn't forgotten about the card, but you just hoped really hard he would never find it.

You gasped and moved your body against his, so he would stop holding you so close, but Pedro used his weight to prevent you from escaping.

"Cat got your tongue, princesa? I guess it means you still fucking love me, don't you?" He chuckled "that means you are not only a fucking liar, but also one little stubborn muñequita, because you love me, you know I love you and you don't want to be together" he shook his head.

"Pedro, we can't, please, I already told yo-" you squealed the moment you felt his heavy hands on your ass lifting you up and placing you on the kitchen counter. He only took his time to settle you down before attacking your lips with his. The kiss was urgent and deep, his tongue brushing against yours as his hands roamed around your body, at the same time you tugged his hair, not helping yourself but moaning at how heated you were making out.

Pedro broke the kiss and smirked at you "Eres tan linda, mi amor" he whispered and stroked your cheek, sinking his hand down your lap and getting under your shirt, his thick, rough fingertips brushing softly against your skin like he'd never done it before.

"We can't…" you whimpered in need and only earned a scoff from him.

"Mi amor, mira…" he said patiently and let go of your body, though he was locked in your embrace as your legs snaked against his waist "if you want us to stop, we will, but does it really seem you do?" He tilted his head and gave you one of his sweet innocent smile, waiting for you to let go of your body, which you just didn't.

He pulled you back for another kiss, his hand tight on your hair, dragging sweet moans from your mouth. You couldn't resist any longer, you know you should, you had to, but it felt impossible to break free from his spell. You were tired of lying to yourself, you ached for Pedro and you would go all the way with him.

Suddenly the sound of a door slamming shut interrupted you both, you immediately broke the kiss and saw an enraged Liev staring at you both.

"What the fuck, Y/N?" Your boyfriend shouted in pure anger. You can see jaw tightening and the way his veins were more visible.

He took a step closer to you both "what the fuck is this piece of shit doing here? I thought you were done with him?" He yelled "I guess you couldn't keep in your panties anymore, you really got that hungry of a cunt to want two cocks at once? I didn't know you were such a filthy whore" he said taking another step closer to you.

Pedro closed his hand in a fist "shut the fuck up, don't you fucking dare talk to her like that, asshole" He immediately placed himself between you and Liev, shielding your body with his own.

"You shut up, asshole. I'll deal with this bitch first and then I'll fucking kill you!" Liev yelled and aimed his punch at you, but hitting Pedro instead, as he stood there to protect you.

You were so nervous you didn't even know what to do, you just screamed, so terrified and scared at how angry Liev punched Pedro. You had no other reaction than grab a knife nearby and point it at Liev

"G-get out Liev, get out now!!!" You threatened though your voice and your hand was shaking.

The man laughed at your attempt to scare him away, but was distracted enough to receive Pedro's punches on his face as payback for the first attack. Liev wasn't expecting and lost balance for a moment, falling down.

Pedro groaned in pain, but turned to you, taking the knife from your hand "calm down cariño, things will be fine" he said trying to soothe you as he turned to the man "get the fuck outta here and don't come back, I'll fucking kill you if you ever get anywhere near Y/N" Pedro threatened with cold anger in his eyes, anyone could see he was deadly serious, and Liev got up slowly, walking towards the door knowing if he gave in to his revenge thoughts, the cops would be on him at any minute.

He shot you one last glare "and you, little bitch, enjoy your moment with this dick, I hope he treats you like shit, exactly like a filthy whore like you deserves it"

Liev exited and left you shaking in nervousness at everything that went on. Pedro held your face gently, his own bleeding at the wounds he got. You whimpered and began crying.

"Shh it's okay cariño, I'm here for you, you're safe now" Pedro wrapped his arms around you, holding you close, only caring about your well-being and nothing else.

-----

** translation: "Happy Birthday my love. I wish you all the happiness in the world and I want you to know I'll always be by your side. I love you today and forever"

A/N: I hope you guys have enjoyed it!!! Again, I picked Liev with Liev Schreiber in mind but it was a just because situation so you guys can picture whoever you want. If you have any other ideas for the next chapters, let me know ❤️

[traumaboyexo]

CARRION!Sif Anti/Alt Friend quest

[[This is for a set of alternate friend quests that each trigger from each family member watching Siffrin have a small emotional breakdown, as well as...seeing something else.]]

(You're shaking.)

(...why? This isn't the first time you've done this...and yet...)

(You can barely feel your hunger right now. Just fear. You don't want to hurt them. You don't want to hurt any of them.)

(...everything is wrong. You shouldn't be doing this. You're not...even...)

"Siffrin?"

(You jump. Mirabelle's voice shakes you out of your trance.)

"Sorry, Mirabelle."

"I-it's alright, I know you can get a little sleepy sometimes. So, um, do you have time to help me with these papers?"

(...you have to make her happy.)

(Stop shaking, idiot.)

"...yeah I do."

(Mirabelle beams. You take your seat beside her.)

(Time to take the lead.)

(...you open your mouth.)

(...Huh?)

(Nothing is coming out.)

(Come on. You know you're next line.)

(Just ask. You have to. Ask what the papers are.)

(Why won't you say anything?! You've done this several times already, haven't you? Just say it! Don't have want to make her happy?! Don't you want them to love you?! You-!)

"...Siffrin, are you okay?"

(...you didn't even notice until now, but you're panting. You feel short on breath...and you're sweating badly.)

(You quickly bring your head down.)

(You can feel Mirabelle still staring at you intensely. You can barely look back at you. You can't make her worried. You're supposed to help her. You HAVE to help her. Stick to the script. Stick to the script. Stick to the...)

(...Mirabelle places a hand on your forehead...she's checking for a fever.)

"Okay, it's not a fever, s-so...uhm..."

"...Siffrin, c-could you look at me, please?"

(...you muster what energy you have left and look at her.)

"Siffrin, are you stressed or anxious about anything? O-oh! Was it me, d-did I accidentally make you anxious about these papers and-!"

(NO!)

(Can't make her worried about you!)

(You find your voice has returned.)

"No! It's not you...and I'm just..."

"I'm just...thinking about stuff, haha."

(...is she buying it?)

"...are you thinking about...something really bad?"

(...she did, kind of.)

(She can't know. She can't.)

"...we should talk about your papers."

"I had a suspicion...but they're...bonding papers, right?"

"O-oh! That's...actually a good guess?"

(She isn't as surprised as she usually is.)

"But Siffrin...I don't want to talk about that if... if something is going on with you."

(There's nothing wrong with you.)

"There's nothing wrong with me."

(Liar.)

(You ignore the growling in your stomach.)

(You ignore the uncomfortable feeling of your sweat dripping down your face.)

"...I think this is important for you. We can worry about me later."

(Mirabelle looks concerned.)

"Well, okay then..."

"Well, I-I'm not planning on getting bonded just yet, these are just dating profiles."

(You try to look surprised but your face feels numb.)

"They came from a dating company I asked before The King happened, and I haven't had a chance to properly look through them...and..."

(...you wish she'd stop looking at you so worriedly.)

(...you have to keep it moving.)

"Go on."

(She nods.)

"W-well, since it is someone I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with, I'm thinking I could use another pair of eyes. Your eyes!"

"Or rather, your...uh...one eye."

(She sighs, and only now you notice it seems like she's trying her best not to cry.)

(You're horrible.)

"...Siffrin...I-I don't think I can just-"

(Please.)

"Mirabelle. Please."

"...you're doing this as a distraction from tommorow, right?"

(You can barely hold back your shaking anymore.)

"Please. I need this distraction as well."

"...Let me help you."

(...there's some slight relief in her eyes, but still full of the same concern.)

"...alright Siffrin."

(She gives a small smile.)

"You can help me."

(She pulls out the massive folder of papers from her dress pocket.)

(...Maybe if she told you she was carrying this, you could have carried it for her.)

"O-okay, let's start with this."

(It's the picture of that strong buff man.)

(Tough muscles. Hard to chew probably.)

"...boring."

"Besides, they look like Isabeau."

(She gives a light snicker.)

"They kind of do. Next one-"

(You can't do this. You can't do this you can't do this you can't do this you can't you can't you can't you can't.)

"I'm sorry Mirabelle. I can't talk about this anymore."

(Your breathing is heavy and hard. Your sweating is getting worse. And your stomach won't stop growling.)

"...I...I'm sorry."

(You can't look at her. You can barely focus on anything. It feels like you could explode any second.)

"...I'm worried that...I'm..."

(If you say how you feel, will she hate you?)

(Even so, you can't stop yourself anymore. It feels like the exact opposite of before. All the words are spilling out. You hold back as much as you can. You try your best not to cry. You try your best not to scream or shout.)

(You feel horrible.)

(You feel hungry.)

"...I won't ever be bonded. I won't ever find a partner. I-I'm, I'm a freak. I'm a monster. I'm not worth a single notice. I'm...I can't..."

(It seems like everything is going dark.)

(You can't stop. Your stomach growls.)

"I can't be loved, no matter how many profiles I look through myself and I can't help myself and I'm always hungry and I..."

(...you try to continue but you can barely feel your own voice or mouth of face.)

(Everything feels so...out...of reach...)

(...)

(...you hear a sharp gasp from Mirabelle.)

(You feel everything snap back into view.)

(You're breathing eased up. You've stopped sweating.)

(...what happened?)

"...Siffrin?"

(Slowly, you turn to Mirabelle.)

(...)

(...you made her worried.)

(How could you do this to her.)

(You were supposed to help her.)

(...)

(You're stomach growls. You're hungry...at a time like this.)

(You really are a freak.)

(...you bury your face under your hat.)

(You can't even look at her properly.)

(You...)

(...someone puts a hand on your shoulder.)

(MIRABELLE puts a hand on your shoulder.)

(Even as you look away, you can hear her voice. She's not being afraid. Or angry.)

(She's being kind.)

"Siffrin..."

"...I have something to tell you too."

"The truth is...I don't really want to be bonded. Or...even date anyone at all."

(You already know this.)

"The truth is...I'm been scared too. I've been trying to force myself to change...and I've been worried I'm not strong enough to do it."

(You already know this.)

"And I'm worried that I'm supposed to do these things, because I have to show my faith, and I have to show...I have to show that I can do this."

(You already know this.)

"But...another reason is because...I'm worried. I'm worried that...it's possible I'll be alone, forever."

(...)

"When The King attacked, I was worried I lost all my friends. Everyone I thought I could ever count on...but...I was wrong."

(...)

(You slowly look up at her.)

(She's smiling. She's relieved you're finally looking at her again.)

"Siffrin. I don't know what happened to you. Or why you would think like that...but..."

"...I'm not worried about being alone. I've got you, and Isabeau, and Madame Odile, and Bonnie."

"And...I'm glad I can talk about these things with you. Because you're my friend. And I care about you. And I know you feel the same way."

(...you do.)

"So don't ever feel like you'll be alone when we're around, okay?"

(...you stay silent. You can barely find the words.)

(This time she shouts.)

"Promise me!"

(Woah!) "I promise!"

(She's smiling so widely it's nearly contagious.)

"Good! A-and if you're worried whether you wasted my time or anything dumb like that, I think you've helped me."

"I think...I don't have all the answers I need just yet. But I think...I may not need to change everything about myself."

(Clever. She's always been clever.)

"When I figure it out, I promise, I'll tell you about it."

(...you should say what's on your mind.)

"I'm glad I met you, Mirabelle."

"...me too, Siffrin."

"...I'll see you later, okay?"

(You nod and smile.)

(You're really smiling. You feel refreshed. You feel relieved.)

(...and yet, as she walks away, she looks back and glances at you for just a brief second.)

(She's nervous about something.)

(...but what?)

(...you can feel it again.)

(Your growing hunger.)

(You got a MEMORY OF UNCERTAINTY.)

(You'll always remember this.)

[Whatever happened there, Stardust? Well, in any case...]

[When equipped, Memory of Uncertainty boosts all your Housemaiden's stats by 25...but by giving her your turn, all her stats double temporarily! Woah!]

[Your Housemaiden also learned the skill 'Loyal Loving Barrier'!!!]

['Loyal Loving Barrier' not only absorbs all damage, but gives your family a buff depending on how much damage was absorbed! Just like your other shield, it's only for one turn though!!!]

[Seems like you'll only get this skill when you have this exact same conversation. Though, it's not easy to fake an emotional breakdown, is it, Stardust??]

[If only you had something that could trigger that awful fear when you wanted to…]

[chaifootsteps]

the show's discomfort with its own plot beats is so buzarre to watch. like once Stolas became Viv's favorite the full moon deal had to go, but it had to be done in a way that would make Stolas look better instead of having him grow and change, because Viv's writing is allergic to both character development and accountability. this of course accidentally resulted in him looking worse, but there's something else that I find a contradiction in terms

so the basic implication is that there just hasn't been a meetup since Ozzie's, right? As far as I can tell none of the text messages in the show mention it and Blitzo says it's been a few months. This feels like it's supposed to represent Stolas respecting Blitzo more because he's not forcing him to visit anymore (read: not raping him every month, and I'm kind of blindsided that the show's logic is that we should give Stolas a cookie for managing this bare minimum level of decency).

Here's the thing though: in his texts he says stuff like 'you don't have to come but I'd still like to see you'. So by the show's logic he still has this deal where - as far as Blitzo knows - he has to do what Stolas wants to get the book. But since Stolas is feeling a tiny bit bad about it he gives Blitzo outs so he doesn't have to see him…but then passive aggressively asks him to come anyway?

How exactly would that work? Suppose Blitzo had been anxious that Stolas was being weird with him and went to see him anyway.

Would Stolas still expect Blitzo to sleep with him? If Blitzo made a move thinking that's what Stolas wanted, would Stolas take that as proof Blitzo actually wanted him even though Blitzo would just be doing it because it was how the whole deal worked? Would Stolas think that this was 'better' than what he was doing before because he gave Blitzo a choice this time, even though Blitzo might not actually want to do it anymore than he did at the start but was just playing it safe?

I don't know, the whole thing is so odd. If we're supposed to think Stolas actually learnt that he had coercive power over Blitzo and had been taking advantage of him, you'd think he'd be horrified with himself. And I mean actually horrified, not just lip service in a duet number that he forgets about when he acts shocked that Blitzo doesn't think highly of him.

You'd think he'd give a flat 'you don't need to come for the next few months' sort of statement while he was arranging the crystal.

You'd think he'd question his entire self perception and worldview.

But he doesn't. Just like the writing he doesn't really commit to the idea he's done wrong because he still wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't truly understand the power imbalance because if he did he wouldn't be doing the passive aggression routine at all. He'd leave Blitzo alone until he could get the crystal or make it very, very clear that his 'still come over if you want' invite does not include sex.

Despite giving lip service to the idea he's a monster he obviously still thinks of himself as a good person because he starts with the whimpering and crying about how Blitzo doesn't think highly of him. It's just so back and forth - does he understand he raped Blitzo or not?

even during the start of his full moon speech when Blitzo panics and immediately comes on to him Stolas blushes and looks like he got within an inch of giving in and just enjoying sex with Blitzo again. this on a night when he's supposed to be breaking off the arrangement and should find the way Blitzo immediately tries to sexually appease him horrifying if he actually understood the coercive power he held over him all this time

and honestly 'sex addict who has wrecked his life through poor impulse control' would work as a character profile in a dark comedy sketch show like hb was supposed to be, but in an oh so serious adult show that Addresses Abuse (TM) it seems reasonable to suggest Stolas be sent immediately to rehab and to someone who can teach him the ABCs of consent, since he's apparently in dire need of both

All of this. Stolas has canonically already learned the ABCs of consent and understood how imbalanced and horrifying his treatment of Blitzo was, only to immediately turn face and become worse than ever the instant Blitzo didn't kiss his feet. But according to Viv and according to the standom, there's no limit to how many "chances" he deserves to redeem himself. As long as he puts on a flimsy veneer of "trying" to get better, he can rape Blitzo as many times as he wants and it's all Blitzo's fault.

[heeseung-min]

[19:48]

It just a dare from your friends.

You were just supposed to kiss the nerd guy in your class, Jake and it's done. You also said to Jake earlier that it was just a dare and nothing more than that and he agreed.

So, why the fuck he keep following you everywhere?

"Jake, what are you doing?"

"I'm keeping you safe. Don't mind me."

He said with big smile on his face. He looked so innocent but you had enough with it. You walked closer to him and pushed him with your finger on his chest.

"Keeping me safe? Are you fucking kidding me? You are being creepy, Jake. Stop being disgusting. If you follow me again, I will not hesitate to report you."

Jake's happy expression changed to sad. His eyes became teary after what you said. He looked down to hide his tears and immediately apologize.

"I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I- I really like you."

You rolled eyes at his confession. If you knew it would be like this, you wouldn't agree doing the dare. Before you can leave him alone suddenly a sound of slap can be heard.

You looked at Jake who slapped himself many times. You screamed for him to stop but he kept doing it until both of you attracted some attention. When some students started to crowd to see what is happening, Jake fell down on his knees begging for forgiveness.

"I'm really sorry, y/n. I'm sorry if I make you annoying. I didn't mean that. Please don't hurt me."

Hurt??

"Damn, Jake must be the new victim. When will Y/n stop?"

"Just because she is rich doesn't mean she should bully him. Poor Jake."

"Ergh I really hate Y/n but I don't want to get bully."

You heard those words being said when Jake still on his knees. You clenched your fists feeling mad after being accused for things you didn't do. You pulled Jake to stand up.

"Yah! What bullshit are you talking about? Me? Hurting you? Are you kidding me??!! Do you really want to see how I hurt you?!"

"Y/N!!"

"WHAT!!!"

You turned to the principal who was very furious at the scene. He pulled you from Jake and checked on that guy before asking you to follow him to his office.

"Y/N, I thought you stop bullying students? Why are you doing this again? I'm tired of hearing same things from the students, y/n."

"I DIDN'T DO IT. He did it to himself. He pulled out some bullshit and then slapped himself before I can do anything."

"I know you are trying to come clean. But, I will not tolerate that. You caused bruises on his cheek. So, I need to punish you. You will have detention today and will clean the girl's toilet alone."

"Are you fucking hearing yourself?!! I didn't do it. That bitch Jake did it!!!"

"Language, y/n!!!! You will do as I say."

You left the office with frustration. You spent your time in library until dismissal before went to the janitor to get tools for cleaning the toilet.

You started to clean the toilet and cursed everytime you remember Jake. You swear he will get back after accusing you.

By the time you finished, it's already six in the evening. You rest for few minutes before taking your bag and get out from there. You felt anxious suddenly walking alone at the hallway at this time. However, you stopped when you saw a familar guy metres away from you. It was Jake.

But, he looked different.

It's not the one that you always see. This one is different. He didn't look like a nerd anymore.

"Are you finally done?"

"What do you want Jake? Is it not enough after accusing me this morning?"

Jake giggled at your frustration. You on the other hand felt scared. With no one else in here, anything can happen.

You continue walked past him but he pulled your hands stopping your steps. You wriggled your wrist from his hold but he tightened it instead.

"Fuck, what is your problem? Let me go, I want to go home."

"I'm tired of being kind. I guess you really want it hard, huh?"

"What-AHH!"

You were shocked when Jake slapped you hard. It was so hard that he made you fell to the floor.

"Fuck, this is the first time I see you genuinely scared. I'm glad you felt hurt cause that is my feeling after you used me."

You backed away from him. When you wanted to stand up to run, he stepped on your leg instead. Your loud scream went ignored and he keep stepping until you gave up to move. Jake giggled again before whispering on your ear.

"Welcome to my darkside, y/n."

Hmm, kinda feel shitty about this. But, hopefully you feel fun reading it.

Taglist: @stacey-stonem @duolingofanaccount @cyberpinkx

[thedeviltohisangel]

Angry Confession #8 for John and Cas

ANGRY CONFESSION BLURB PROMPT ERA

8. “Tell me how I’m supposed to un-love you, then. Tell me. Spare me.”

a little tease of the wisconsin fight i have been screaming in DMs with @gloryofroses19 about...

also. this might get it's own multi-page interlude and read slightly different. cass might get on that forced march and it won't read exactly like the blurbs. my muses have a mind of their own and i don't try to reel them in. if you ever have a question or wonder how i might see something differently with hindsight, please always reach out!

AND. writing this broke me.

The silence was deafening as Cass felt his words snap across her face. She almost wishes the pain was physical instead of the emotional torment that he was inflicting upon her. At least then she would know how to heal. She would know how to proceed. At least then she could find the courage to fight back and gain control of whatever storm was brewing between them.

"All I know, Cass, is that I want you to be happy. I want you to be free and safe and experience everything life has to offer. I'm not the right person to ensure that for you anymore. I'm not the right person to live life with you anymore. I'm not the right person to," he paused and choked on the words that were tumbling out, "bring home to South Carolina and...you deserve a better man to have children with."

"Don't you dare," she practically spat as she pushed off the wall and took an angry step towards him. "Don't you dare fucking say any of that, John." The letter that caused all of this was still clutched in his hands. She wanted to burn it. She wanted to go back in time and never write it.

"Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me that you haven't noticed how fucked in the head I am. That you haven't stopped sleeping because you're afraid of what I've become at night." His eyes were looking at her wrist. Imagining the way his hands had wrapped around her delicate skin with malice as his nightmares had blurred his capacity to distinguish the past from the present.

"I love you. I love you so much it hurts me and that is the only thing I have been certain of for a very long time." Her fingers wrapped around the footboard of the bed in his childhood room. There was so much of him ingrained in these walls that it was dizzying. She had been giddy upon their arrival to Wisconsin, anxious to see him reunite with his mother and sisters. Anxious to get him back to his roots in the hopes it would heal the uncertainty that had settled over him since the morning after Gale's wedding. "You are exactly the man I want to bring home to South Carolina. Exactly the father I want to give my children. Exactly the person I want to experience everything in life with. All the pain and all the happiness. None of it means anything without you." She took another step but he stood and she paused.

"I'm setting you free. Free from me and this marriage and all the memories of what happened over there that I keep drudging up for you."

"I don't want that," she cried. "I am not asking for any of that!"

"Someone is going to make you so happy one day." His hands were shaking and he knew he needed to leave this house before he could let the tears in his eyes fall. "Someone who doesn't have demons in their head. Someone who doesn't have blood on their hands and doesn't have to worry about staining you when he holds you."

“Tell me how I’m supposed to un-love you, then. Tell me. Spare me," she yelled as she found the courage to hit him in the chest. "Tell me how you expect me to move on from our nights in the flower field and how I am supposed to pretend that London meant nothing to me and tuck away everything that happened in Germany into a box. No one else will ever understand me, John. No one is ever going to make me feel a pin prick of what you do." She beat her palms against his chest until all the anger left her chest and she collapsed as it was replaced by despair. He let a tear drop onto the carpet next to her.

"I love you, Sp-" He stopped as the term of endearment tried to slip out. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. John stepped past her and stood in the doorway, not flinching when he saw his sisters scurry into their rooms. "One day, when you hold your precious child and don't see any of me inside of them, you'll know we are doing the right thing. And I just know you are going to be the best fucking mother in the entire world." Oh how he had dreamed of watching her become a mother. Watching her with their baby. Their baby that looked like a perfect combination of the two of them and was a physical embodiment of the love they had for each other. How he had spent the sleepless nights in Germany thinking of their names and how they would feel on his tongue. Cass was, is, a deity. She would be raising angels in her image and he couldn't not taint them with the horrors that lived inside of him. Couldn't risk any of it seeping into them.

"It won't be worth it without you," she mumbled as she stared where he had been in shock. "Life without you won't be worth living." If he stayed any longer, he'd never be able to leave.

So, without a glance back, he stepped out of the room. And down the stairs.

And into the night.

[scarfacemarston]

Reader Comes Out as Ace to Bucky

(Anddddd Bucky kind of comes out as ace, too? I Hc him as Demisexual, which is on the ace spectrum, but feel free to hc differently!) Here are more ace headcanons here! Sam introduced the two of you, and you struck up a slow friendship. He wasn’t the easiest man to get to know, but you knew there was more to him than he let on. Soon, that trust and friendship turned into something more, and now, you were quite pleased to say that James Buchanan Barnes was your partner.

The day had come for you to explain your ace identity. The subject would come up at some point, but you decided to get it over with.

"The Talk" with Bucky went better than you ever hoped for. Would a man like Bucky Barnes be able to truly understand you, your identity, and your needs? It turned out he could in a lot of ways. 

At first, Bucky appeared hurt - but not for the reason you thought. He thought you heard the rumors about him before the war and was worried you'd think he was only interested in sex.

"I may have been a bit of a flirt and a ladies' man, but I wasn't sleeping with every person I saw, you know. People had this expectation and view that I'm out to have sex with everything that moves. I wasn't. I took gals out." Bucky paused,

"...And a few men , we made out or necked. A few I slept with , but I was always clear in what my expectations were. I never promised to be someone's best guy if I didn't mean it. I wasn't a playboy like Stark," Bucky huffed.

"I'm sorry, it's somethin' from the old days that used to bother me, and I guess it still does. It's not who I was then and it's not how I am now. Even if I did sleep around, why does that matter? I'm sorry. This is about you, I suppose I just wanted to say that I'm not some sex fiend that wants you for your body. I want you for you. I didn't grow to trust a body, I grew to trust a person."

You couldn't help but embrace him, which he firmly returned. You could tell something else was on his mind. You squeezed him in reassurance. He sighed.

"And now, well, now it's not something I want. All these hook up apps, that seems to be the only way to meet people and it just doesn't feel right. I mean, they're strangers! If someone wants to do that, that's their business and more power to them, but for me? I can't do it. I just can't. I have too many trust issues and any time I've thought of sex, there's no spark. I don't feel anything."

Bucky paused once again.

"Maybe I'm just like you? Or at least a little bit?" Bucky asked.

"You can be whatever and whoever you want, Bucky. That's the beauty of today. You don't have to hide anymore no matter the gender of who you love or how you love them. But I have to say, two ace people finding each other, imagine that. I can't think of a better relationship", you sighed, relieved. Bucky laughed softly.

"I suppose that does take some pressure off of me. It makes me feel ….different, but I suppose I am pretty different. I'm a 100 year old former assassin, for God's sake."

"I've always felt different, too. I always felt I was broken, or messed up or like I was too much of a prude. Everytime I told someone, they left me. It's been hard to let people in. I was so anxious to tell you. I'm so lucky to have you in my life, I didn't want to risk losing you, but I have to be myself, too." You explained. Bucky held you close.

"Of course. I wouldn't expect anything else. It's hell to live a lie. I think Steve was similar to you in a lot of ways when it comes to this sort of thing. I supported him and I sure am going to support you, too. But you're not messed up, or broken. To hell with those who made you feel that way. I'm sorry. However, you have me now, for what that's worth, Y/N." Bucky muttered.

You kissed his cheek before smiling warmly.

"Always". You whispered.

[owlbelly]

okay i seem to be gradually leaving the ~24hr period of temporal lobe hell i was just in, so i kind of want to write a little bit about what i'm calling "deja vu panic attacks" in case it's useful to anyone else who follows me. i don't know if there's a real term for this phenomenon somewhere - searching for the symptoms turned up a lot of overlap with a particular type of epilepsy & while i'm 99% sure i'm not having seizures (i had a student with this kind of epilepsy so i've seen them happen! it's pretty different), it was making me feel worse to keep reading all that, so. "deja vu panic" it is

my particular blend of depression/anxiety/PTSD (+ neurodivergence?) comes with very occasional dissociative episodes - mostly derealization & depersonalization, but i definitely think this deja vu panic thing falls into a dissociative category too. weirdly it's only happened to me twice, once back in 2019 & again just now. this is how it goes: i'm minding my own business going about my regular life (encountering no identifiable triggers) then suddenly i'll have the overwhelming sense that i either dreamed this exact moment or lived it in a past i've somehow returned to, which is combined with instant & total emotional certainty that i am doomed. sympathetic nervous system immediately flushes my body with so much adrenaline & cortisol that i feel cold/sick/dizzy/numb. once the acute "deja vu" moment has passed i'm left with a lingering sense of unreality & dread, like my perspective on my entire life has just shifted horribly & i don't know if i'll ever feel normal or be who i was before this ever again. the acute attacks just continue to happen over a period of hours - in 2019 i only had 2 attacks a few hours apart & started to feel normal after ~12 hours, but this time i had 5 acute attacks over a period of 12 hours & am only approaching normalcy after 24. i don't know what to make of that BUT here's what seemed to help:

physical comfort from & verbal interaction with loved ones. this includes cats. thank you cats for purring, thank you Jules for chatting with me, thank you Laurel & Jey for hugging/talking/letting me cry on you.

unusual/unexpected tactile sensations. a lot of the shit people are supposed to do for dissociation doesn't work for me because i'm a vivid dreamer who experiences nearly every sensation while i'm sleeping, so if i feel like i'm in a dreamlike state, naming 3-5 regular things i can see/touch/hear/taste is just not cutting it. however! something weird or intense is useful if trapped in the deja vu state. for example today Laurel dropped an ice cube down my fucking shirt because they rightly suspected it would jolt me (they asked first). it did!

radical acceptance of being in hell. okay hear me out. i noticed in between attacks that sometimes i would start to feel the deja vu coming on & if i turned towards it in my awareness (like "oh what's that? do i remember this?") i would move right into panic, while if i avoided it ("nope! distraction time") i could stave it off for a while but eventually it would catch up with me and i'd panic again. surprisingly, one side effect of being worn down by 12+ hours of this cycle was that i started to feel it coming & instead responded with "yup. that feeling. that's how we feel now. it's horrible" which amazingly led to NOT PANICKING. not panicking over a period of hours eventually led to not feeling so fucking dissociated, which appears to be leading to normalcy??

like, even as i'm writing this & rereading parts of it, i still feel pretty strongly that all this has happened before - everything feels familiar, but it's NOT feeling like i'm going to die or like my life is about to be horribly changed. i'm taking that as progress & hoping that tomorrow i don't even feel the deja vu anymore

as for "why did this happen" - i have no fucking idea. did i just get back from a very stressful trip? yes. am i anxious about the state of the world? always. but it's like my brain just spins a wheel where the options are various kinds of stress response & this one is an extremely tiny but outrageously horrible sliver of that wheel. love that for me!!!

[fantasies-fairytales-n-fics]

Code Blue Ch. 47- Punch Drunk Love

Summary: It's one step forward and two steps back for Lee and Jo. The same can be said for Jo and Craig, only their encounter "lands" on a more comical note. Jo wants to play detective. Dave receives a message from beyond the grave.

*Chapter Warnings* language, angst, mentions of murder, drinking, intoxication, ghost child

Chapter characters: Lee, Josie, Craig, David, Jacob

Chapter word count: 6,699

Stories Stories Stories Masterlist

Salem, Massachusetts

March 21, 2023

An hour had passed since Lee had left you in the boathouse after his regretful blowup. As he sat in his lake house bedroom, staring blankly out the window at the gray sky morning, he could hear the muffled voices of you, Britt and Jason downstairs and then all went quiet, except for the creaking of his door opening.

He closed his eyes and lowered his head in sadness when he felt you softly sit down on the opposite side of the bed. As your movement ceased and you began to speak, a subtle breeze laced with the biting scent of your intoxicating vampire perfume flowed straight to Lee's nose, causing his heart to palpitate as he eagerly inhaled it.

"Jason and Britt are gone, just as you wanted. I think I should go too as soon as the laundry finishes."

Lee turned his head to the side and could see that you were sitting with your back to him.

"I'm sorry about your brother."

"What for? You were right Lee. He and Britt shouldn't be here. It was my stupid idea to bring him here to help Britt."

"It was both of our ideas Jo and it was for the best. Now he can take care of the woman he loves and leave us out of it. I don't want any part of this shit anymore Jo."

"I can agree with you there. Neither do I."

Your weary tone spoke a frightening volume to Lee.

"Does that include me...Jo?"

Your soft voice became hesitant and shaky as you still wouldn't turn to face him.

"I...I don't know what to do anymore Lee. All these secrets are like an incurable cancer and every time I believe it's in remission because you tell me it is, the secrets metastasize and honestly, I don't know if that is even the worst part anymore because we both just accused each other of killing Elizabeth."

"Yep." Lee softly and sorrowfully agreed as he nodded, then turned to face your backside.

"The only difference is, I stood by you and tried to protect you over it by disposing of the blatant evidence I found in my car, but you...you allowed Luke to put doubts in your mind with his circumstantial bullshit and you turned on me. You're the only one who's ever truly known the real me and yet you actually believed I was capable of doing something so repulsive, that I am some monster."

You finally turned to face him with an anxious tone.

"Lee...I am sorry. I know in my heart you didn't hurt Liz and yes, I stupidly let Luke twist my thoughts. God, it's just that lately, your behavior has been so erratic and even violent and you won't tell me why!"

"What..so I'm not allowed to be human and have emotions that happen to include anger?? Everything that has been going on is why Jo and we all react differently to stress, you know that. The day you tried to justifiably attack Landy's sister, THAT was violent but I didn't believe that could make you a murderer. Look at the violent shit Luke has done. He deserved that vase to the head. And Carpenter deserved my fist in his face and Gordon deserved his ass handed to him."

"I get all of that. I do. Can't you put yourself in my shoes just for a minute about Liz though? You cut her seatbelt to mess with her and kept that from me and when you had finally learned the truth that she was responsible for Jacob's death, you and my brother plotted right in front of me about taking her out and framing Ethan and you refused to help her when she was brought to the ER. And now I find out you were off living some double life with Luke that involved blowing up terrorists and god knows what else. What was I supposed to believe?"

"Me Jo. You were supposed to believe me. You just said you believe in your heart that I didn't do it, so which is it Jo? Are you with me or are you against me because it's feeling a lot like you're still against me and if that's the case, then why are you even here?? Jesus Jo...what I did for you, you haven't even said a word about that. Ethan's clearly been watching us. He snuck in here before he killed Liz and took my car, my knife and your clothes, then after he took care of her, he planted everything, all in hopes of framing you because we both know he wants you away from me and yes Jo, at first I believed you had done it, but ONLY due to having some blackout break in reality from your pills and all that wine."

"Something still don't seem right Lee. Why didn't he just kill me then? Wouldn't that have been the easiest and fastest way to get me out of your life and.."

"Jo, stop, god, don't say this shit. Just the thought of him being in this house and anywhere near you......"

Lee paused and rubbed his palms over his face, releasing a stressed sigh, then continued.

"Besides the most important reason, that being that he knew I would come and kill him without hesitation...he still needed to cover his ass in her death because he knew he would be a number one suspect. We weren't supposed to find it Jo. I'm willing to bet Ethan was going to drop an anonymous tip to the police about the evidence and I honestly thought that was why Luke was here, so now, I'm also feeling something isn't right because no one has showed up. Regardless Jo, I risked everything for you, my career, my freedom, because that would all be gone if it were found out I destroyed all the evidence and I DID it to make it all go away for you and like some stupid school boy, I actually thought you'd be impressed."

"What I am is scared Lee. I understand why you did what you did and I DO appreciate it, I promise you, but you have still got to get rid of that knife. He killed her with it and it can be matched up to her wounds."

"I'll take care of it. It will never be found."

"And then what Lee? We just go on with our lives as if nothing ever happened? I mean, first of all, Luke is never going to give up. It's his job now and...."

Lee sarcastically snickered. "It's just his way to feel like he's a good person."

"God Lee, I just don't get it. When he came back for Landy, you and he seemed like really great friends, but with what I just overheard between you and my brother, how is that if Luke supposably set you up as you put it?"

Lee shook his head in frustration. "There's no supposably about it Jo. He did what he did and we were both just trying to move on from it, from that life. I just wanted to forget it and then he just shows back up here as if nothing ever happened and his presence brings back all those bad memories and all those feelings of having to be on guard every second. None of that life was ever supposed to involve you. I didn't hide it from you to be sneaky or deceitful. I'm not that person anymore and I don't want to be, but he brings it out of me and not only that, but I'm not oblivious to his desire of you either. I just want him to go back to where he came from and stay there, in the past. You and I were finally getting it right and he swoops in and fucks our forever all up and now here we are, yet once again. And I know Jo, I know that everything happening is not all because of him. I know it's me too and god, I am trying so hard to be the man you want me to be and that you deserve after all you have been through in the past, but all I have done is drag you through hell and let you down over and over again. You're this angel of light and I'm nothing but a devil of darkness."

Lee's voice had become choked up and if there was one thing that tugged at your heart strings, it was seeing him cry.

"Please don't speak about yourself that way." you compassionately said as you scooted over to him and rubbed his back.

"You're not evil baby. You just feel cornered and like no one is on your side and I cannot apologize enough for ever thinking you could have hurt Liz. All that murder plot talk with Jason was nothing but anger. Your fears had just been validated that she was responsible for Jacob's death and as far as not wanting to help her at the hospital is quite understandable. I overreacted about all that Lee. I know in my heart what a compassionate and kind person you are. It's one of the many reasons I fell for you, so fast and so damn hard. And as far as myself, I am certainly no angel. I have a dark side. You've seen it, especially around Megan. She brings something out of me just like Luke does to you. I don't want to be that person either so I get it. Now you though, you had every reason to believe I could have done it and what you did to protect me, the sacrifices you were willing to make, means everything to me. That is FAR from letting me down. I'm so sorry for how I reacted. So you know, I...I would have done the same for you...without hesitation."

You slid your hand down his bare arm and laced your fingers into his. Lee softly sighed and tried to smile as he then placed his other hand over the union.

"I look at you Jo and I...I just love you and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for you. I did not wait for you. I didn't even know you were coming. When you walked into my life, I didn't know it was you because I didn't know there WAS a you. You were never a list, a goal, an expectation, a dream, ok maybe you were a dream. You were a surprise, a gift, an adventure, a new beginning to a story I thought I would never have and I am scared to death of losing you and that you won't love me anymore if you know all of the things I've done. I'm scared of a world without you."

"You know I feel the same way about you Lee. It's patience and trust that I am running out of, not love. But...is love enough? Even for us? You keep lying to me and do understand why, but it doesn't make it right. Like you said, your past didn't have anything to do with me and I agree, but when it affects me, it does. It's affecting us Lee. I've looked past your secrets and forgiven you twice now and yet, here we are again. Lord knows I'm not strong enough to stay away from you. I've tried... but I'll have to find the strength Lee, because I won't do this anymore. I don't want to leave you, especially now with all of this and also with tomorrow being the one month anniversary of your father's passing and your birthday being four days away, but it's the third time now of being side swiped by your secrets and it's certainly no fucking charm. We have to trust each other. You have to trust ME and tell me what happened between you and Luke since it involves Peter...and it involves who you were and I want...I deserve to know all of you. Remember that time we danced in your other house and you looked right into my eyes and sang that song, All of Me, to me? You said you give me all of you. I thought you meant it. It's all or nothing Lee. Release this weight and let me help you carry it."

Lee kissed your hand and softly sighed as he gently rested his forehead on yours and gave you a tender eskimo kiss, then brought his sapphire eyes to yours.

"Of course I meant it. Let me show you. Let me make love to you. I need you Jo."

His warm, sweet breath over your mouth was driving you mad with desire and all you wanted to do was press your lips to his and tear his clothes off. Being this close to him was dangerous. You would always become puddy for him to shape and mold you just the way he wanted. You were a puppet on his strings. You were simply spellbound. Lee had healed all the hardships you endured before him, bringing you a peace you had never known and just a simple kiss to his bewitching lips, that alone had the power to render every part of you helpless, sucking your mind, body and soul right into his....but you couldn't give in to him. Not this time. As his lips lowered to yours, you regained control by softly but very reluctantly pushing him back before it was too late.

"Lee, please. No. Sex is not going to make this better or make this go away. Stop deflecting and tell me what happened."

Lee released an obvious sigh of frustration as he closed his eyes and lightly pursed his lips.

"I want to tell you baby. I do. I...I've just never spoken about it to anyone. As I said, I was just trying to bury it and move on. I certainly did not expect this to ever come up, especially now. Feeling cornered is an understatement. There's so much happening. SO much to deal with already. Can't we just do this another time Jo? I will tell you, I prom..."

You pulled your hand from his and stood right up in a huff.

"Don't you promise me anything! I don't believe your promises anymore Lee, because you break them, every single time. You swore to me you had told me everything, but then more dirty laundry always appears and to me, that is a lie...and now, you're making excuses and trying to fuck me to get out of telling me the truth. Putting it off is just making this worse. There's never a right time Lee. You just need to do it. You need to trust me. I'm not going to leave because of your past, but I WILL leave if you can't be honest. I am sorry you feel backed against a wall but it's now or never Lee. I love you more than anything in this world but I am so over this!!"

Lee stood up too and in his anger, he said something he shouldn't have.

"So, it's your way or the highway. Is that it?? Then just go if you want Jo. You would clearly be better off anyways. I said I would tell you and I meant it, but in my own time. I don't like being forced. I'm not ready. Take it or leave it."

"Wow. Well...ok then. Guess I'll leave it. Maybe I WILL be better off because CLEARLY you refuse to change or even try to. You know what? I'm done. I need to go see my mother, see if I still have an apartment and try to find Dave. I'll get my things later."

Lee watched in shock as you whirled out of the room and then he raced down the stairs behind you, pleading for you not to go, for he never thought you would choose that option.

"Jo wait!"

"Wait for what Lee?" you snapped as you tugged your leggings up and slipped your boots on. "You just told me to go."

"I didn't mean it like that. I said take it or leave it. I gave you a choice."

"And I chose! Just like you did."

You grabbed your purse, took out your keys and headed for the door, but not without Lee stepping in front of you.

"Yeah...and quite easily too. So that's just it?? Fuck forever? Jo don't do this. Please. Everything that you want to know, it's not just some quick and simple story to tell. It's dark, it's traumatizing and it's terrifying.

"THIS is dark, traumatizing and terrifying. I'm tired Lee. I'm so fucking tired. Even if you tell me now or tell me later, it will just be half of it, just like it always is, although you will swear to me that you told me everything and then I'll find out the rest later, not by you but by accident and I'm just over it. I don't want to do this anymore. I want a normal relationship and this is far from normal and it's a perfect example of why people put walls up. To protect ourselves and I stupidly let mine down for you. Not anymore. I'm rebuilding it. Now get out of my way Lee."

"Jo. Don't go. Please. Don't leave me. Let me fix this."

"You can't. I don't believe a word you say anymore. I don't believe I would even know what I know if it weren't for overhearing you because I don't believe you were ever going to tell me."

"Ok, that is not true. You don't even understand. I was going to tell you. I had to... or I would have never been able to ask...."

Lee paused with a hard sigh and desperate eyes that quickly wandered from yours.

"Ask? Ask what Lee??"

His hands went to his hips, his head lowered and his eyes closed.

"I...I can't...not yet. Not like this."

"Oh my god....I can't even right now. Goodbye Sam."

As you stormed past him and slammed the door shut behind you, Lee stood dazed and motionless, softly answering your question.

"Ask you to marry me."

You jogged down to the garage where your Monte Carlo was being concealed from the bar thugs and off you went, without a care if they found you. If they did, you would just tell them your car had been stolen and you just got it back. If they didn't believe you and tried something, then you'd give them an attitude adjustment on top of their heads with your Kubotan, Hank Williams Jr. style, just like you did to Luke which dropped the hunky herculean like a sack of potatoes.

For the entire twenty minute drive to your mom's in silence, your arms were locked straight on the wheel as you focused on your breathing so you wouldn't have a panic attack. Everything had escalated so quickly in only a few hours. One minute, you and Lee were dancing in the kitchen and sharing breakfast together, basking in the afterglow following a beautiful night of making love and the next, you couldn't get away from him fast enough. Did you overreact? Should you have stayed and let him speak? You tried this once before, leaving him, which that lasted a whole hot minute and it changed absolutely nothing, so how could you, would you, do it this time when all you wanted to do was turn around and run back into his arms?

The visit with your mom was nerve-racking in itself between trying to hide your emotions over Lee and her trying to hide hers over the horrific ordeal of finding a butchered and still breathing Elizabeth the evening prior and then there was your sister. Your mom informed you that Megan hadn't come home last night and wasn't answering her phone. Of course you couldn't have cared less and wished she'd never come back, but you still tried to make your mom feel better and reminded her that this was not out of the ordinary for Megan to do. It made you think of what Luke told you, that she had actually came to the police station of her own free will and told him that she believed Ethan took Blaise because he thinks he is her father. You had to wonder what would make her turn on him like that. Did she finally see what a dangerous piece of shit he was? Speaking of Blaise, it was now time to go see Craig and you dreaded that almost as much as you dreaded large bodies of water.

As you drove to your apartment, all you could think about was that poor little girl and prayed she was alright wherever she was. For her sake, for Craig's and even for yours, because you knew what Craig's reaction would be when he found out, if he didn't already know, that you knew Liz dropped Blaise off with Angel and you didn't tell him. You also knew he would believe you did it intentionally, which was in no way true whatsoever, to get back at him for not telling you Jason was alive. The guilt was unbearable. How could you have been so self absorbed?

You parked the car and tried calling Dave again before you went into the lion's den and once again, no answer, so you left another voicemail.

"Dave, seriously. Are you THAT mad at me?? If you are, then fine, I can deal with that but at least just text me and tell me you are alright, or text Britt if you don't want to talk to me ok? I'm so worried about you. There's things you need to know about Liz if you don't already and...I really need my friend right now. Ok...bye..."

As you got out of the car, you could hear the muffled sound of music coming from the complex and the only one who blared it like that was Craig when he was working in his art studio. Granted, it was a small complex with only four other tenants but If you could hear it, then so could they and you had to wonder how they could deal with it, BUT, at least his taste in music was right up your alley and when you entered the building, the artist's distinct voice could not be mistaken. You always loved a good David Bowie tune....and this one seemed rather fitting for what you walked in on. How relevant it was for you as well.

Upon nearing his wide open studio door, the strong odor of paint and sweet cigars stung your nose. You weren't sure what was worse as you walked in. The smell or the vision of him lying on a wheeled platform, desperately engrossed in smearing yellow paint over a giant canvas with his bare hands, silver rings on and all.

The closer you got as you walked up behind him undetected, it was clear that he was not only drunk as you glanced down at his glass of blood red wine and two empty wine bottles on the floor, but he was in a very deep state of despair. He appeared as if he had just rolled out of bed, although he didn't look as if he had even slept at all as your astonished eyes rolled over him from head to toe. His dark hair was wildly awry as was his normally groomed facial hair and his feet were as bare as his revealing bare bottomed butt crack which you highly doubted he gave two fucks about considering anyone could walk in just as you did.

You now had the problem of getting his attention without startling him, for you knew why he was in the condition he was in because the last time you had just walked in unannounced, you were accidentally almost struck with a can of blue paint due to his fit of rage, and right now, he looked like a ticking time bomb ready to explode. With all that taken into consideration, you decided to just pull the plug on the music and hope he didn't pull a gun on you this time as you tensed up from the thought.

Craig quickly sat up at the sound of silence, gave you a curious glance over and then the only thing he reached for was his paint covered glass that he picked up by the rim and drank from after asking you "what's up?"

"Hey." you softly answered. "Sorry to just barge in but...I...I have been trying to reach you. Are...are you alright?"

"Well now. Is that somewhat of a rhetorical question? Do I look alright? Unless you're here to tell me that you know where my daughter is, then that would be a big fat no. Fancy seeing you here just Josie. I thought you hated my guts?"

Judging by his well noted inebriated sarcasm, you could tell it was going to be a walk on egg shells type of conversation and you still weren't exactly sure if he knew that you knew Blaise had been right within his grasp before she vanished into thin air. You figured he would have instantly called you out if he knew, but Craig didn't seem to be the type that got straight to the point about things. You had the distinct feeling he was the type that liked to toy with people like a cat does with it's prey. An intimidation tactic per se and it was surely working, so you decided to just come clean and face his claws.

"No. I..I don't know where she is and I...I don't hate you. Not even a little bit but you may not like me so much. Craig I...about Blaise...I need to tell you something that I should have much sooner. I just...I didn't know...how to."

There was a brief silence as he peered up at you and you could see the curiosity growing in his dilated blues.

"Not even a little bit huh? Hmmph. Must be pretty bad, whatever you did, if you're worried about me not liking you after what I did to you. Alright then love, I'll bite. Is my curiosity going to kill the cat? You seem pretty skittish right now."

The fact that he basically just read your mind regarding the cat references made you gulp and then it just got worse when you couldn't find the words.

"Cat....got your tongue just Josie?"

"Ok, please just stop with the cat thing already."

"Mrrrow!! Feisty one are we?" he shot off as he grinned and raised his hand, making a swiping gesture with his fingers.

"Craig! Stop it and listen before I lose my nerve."

"Jeesh. I think you need this wine as bad as I do. Have a drink. It'll calm your nerves. There's another bottle in the fridge. Would you be a doll and fetch it for us?"

"It's....10 a.m. Craig."

"Yeah and your point is? There's no time restrictions for drinking in your own home and even if there were, I don't follow the rules. I make them. It's 5 o'clock all the time in my world."

"Fine. Whatever."

You went and got the wine and a clean glass for yourself and him too because you couldn't stand watching him put his lips on wet paint.

"Here. Wipe your hands off." you commanded as you handed him a towel and opened the wine.

"Yes mommy." he chuckled and did as you told him. "Now. Have a seat and let's hear it."

"I..I'd rather stand."

"Suit yourself then. Cheers."

Craig raised his glass and knocked it all back in three gulps, then gazed up at you with a happy grin as you took a nervous sip.

"What the hell was that? Only a mouse could get drunk on that. Come on now, down the hatch."

You felt like a mouse alright, caught in a mouse trap as your anxiety began to slowly choke you. Enough was enough. You downed the wine and blurted out what you did.

"Craig..I..I knew Blaise was at Angel's before she was taken and I should have told you but I didn't because I was dealing with Jason and some other things."

His reaction was just as you had expected it would be. Shock, which was written all over his exhausted face.

"Is that so?"

"Y..yes." you softly squeaked and then began rambling. "And I..I am SO SO sorry. I was at Lee's and I saw Liz drop her off and I..I did try to call you. I texted too but you didn't answer or reply and then some other things happened and I...I had to go meet Jason and then I..."

"And then you just forgot about my daughter?? Does that sound about right? Because she didn't go missing until 48 fucking hours later. Did you forget where I live too?? but suddenly, you remembered today??"

In his aggravation, Craig purposely picked up the paint covered glass and filled it to the rim with more wine, then took a hefty gulp.

"Craig, so much happened. Obviously, Liz was attacked and then later she died and.."

He cut you off again as his agitation increased.

"And yet I still did not hear from you until now and now that I have, all I hear are bullshit excuses."

"I mean, that's two fucking days Jo. You were certainly able to go meet Jason but not come here. Last time I checked, your brother is a big boy who can handle his own problems, which is exactly what he's selfishly doing after all I did for him, but a 4 year old child is helpless Jo! I'm sure you slept too right? All snuggy in your bed, playing doctor with the doctor, all the while that piece of shit Ethan was plotting to kidnap Blaise. I even tried to protect you from him, right after you slapped me stupid and told me you never wanted to see my face again. Eh, that don't even matter. What matters is Blaise and it could have been prevented if I HAD KNOWN that she was merely 50 fucking feet away from you and so here I am now, daughterless and drunk. You know what I've been doing in my spare time since I have exhausted all my resources in locating her? It's like she has fallen off the face of the earth."

Craig put on some old cheap flip flops and stood up, then pointed down at his painting.

"You see that? I did what you said to try. I used Blaise as some inspiration to try and cure this painter's block I've been dealing with for so long. Did you know she likes bees? So I attempted to paint her a giant fucking bumble bee for when I get her back, or should I say IF I get her back, no thanks to you and certainly none to that dunderheaded detective who shares Ethan's rancid blood. Audacious British fuck writing me into his little black book as a person of interest in Lizzie's death. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a monster, even if I was raised by one."

"Craig, speaking of Cyrus, he happens to be one of the other problems we have been dealing with. Things that have nothing to even do with this. So much more has happened too and I don't expect you to understand that but I swear to you, I never meant for anything to happen to Blaise. Please...please believe me."

"I'll tell you what I believe. I believe you did this intentionally. What a great way to stick it to me for not telling you your brother was alive huh? Checkmate. You got me good Jo. Gold stars for you. Hit me right where it hurts the most. You're right. I don't like you so much anymore Miss March. I'll have your last months deposit ready for you in a few days and then I expect you out by the end of the month. Now get out of my sight. Good day."

"Craig come on. I would never put your child's life in danger just to get back at you or for any reason!"

As the acrimonious kiwi walked away, completely ignoring you, there was spillage of the yellow paint in his already cluttered pathway and the combination of flimsy flips flops worn by someone sober or tipsy, slick concrete and liquids do not mix.

Down he went as one foot slipped right out from under him and there he laid, stunned and flat out on his back with wine all over his face.

"Craig oh my god!" you gasped as you quickly but carefully made your way to him. "Are you alright??!!"

"There's that question again so I'll answer with the same answer. Do I look alright???" he snapped and attempted to get up, only to slip again and land on his butt.

"Here. Let me help you."

You reached down to him but he smacked your hand away.

"I might be a teeny bit sauced right now, but I'm not an invalid and if I were, I certainly wouldn't want or need any help from the likes of you Jo March."

"Fine." you huffed and then smirked at him. "Good luck then since you're now sitting in a giant smeared puddle of paint. I suppose if you crawl like the petulant child you're being, ass crack and all, you could make it out of your precarious predicament unscathed."

He glared up at you as he thought for a moment about demeaning himself even more than he already had by doing as you said.

"Fine." he also huffed and jerked his sticky hand out to you.

You took his hand and began to pull. As he pushed himself up with his other hand, his foot slipped out again and this time, he pulled you right down on top of his chiseled chest.

"Well now. Now who's in a precarious predicament Einstein? Now we're both covered in paint and not to mention fucked, just not in the way I would like." he boasted with a cheesy smirk as you both were nose to nose and damn near mouth to mouth. So close that his facial hair tickled your upper lip and his hot sweet wine breath made you drunk in a way that it shouldn't have as you and he stared into each other's eyes.

You quickly broke the trance he had you in and pushed your way up off of him.

"Come on Craig. Get up so I can leave. Now is clearly not the time to talk to you."

You reached down again, but made sure you were in a good stance to pull him up this time. Once he was securely on his feet, you handed him another towel to wipe the wine from his face and when he was finished, things became a bit awkward and silent for a moment as he fidgeted and fought having eye contact with you.

"I uh...I think I broke your glasses." you mumbled as you glanced at the black framed spectacles hanging from the frayed neckline of his knit shirt.

His head snapped down to look at them and then his defenses were right back up.

"Oh...well, no biggie. What's one more thing you've broken? I've got more, although... I don't have another daughter. I'm going to bed. See yourself out."

This time, Craig safely made his way back to his apartment entrance without a single glance back at you and then you quietly left. When you returned to your own apartment down the hall, you immediately took a long hot shower to decompress and cried your eyes out the entire time. Once you were finished, you sat down with a chilled bottled of wine you had in the fridge to try and calm your nerves. The conversation with Craig had went just as you imagined it in your head many times and he had every right to be angry with you. You should have went straight to him and met Jason later. Blaise would be safe and sound with Craig right now and you were the reason she was not, and for that, you were going to make it your mission to find her yourself and bring her home. You didn't have a cue as to how, but you were to try and make things right.

But of course, while trying to think about where to start, your mind betrayed you as all your thoughts went right back to Lee, but you knew they would once you were no longer distracted. How in the hell were you going to stay away from him this time if you couldn't even sit still without thinking of him??

The one glass of wine that early in the morning had caught up with you and made you somewhat sleepy and it wasn't long before you dozed off on the couch without even realizing it. Meanwhile, in a small town called Grandview, 15 miles from Salem, Dr. Dave had just returned home from a much needed getaway.

As he sat at his kitchen table, drinking a beer, reading your texts and listening to your voicemails, he contemplated calling you until he heard a noise in the living room. Dave lived alone and had no pets, so it was either his older but newly remodeled house still settling or....it was what is usually was. A ghost. And he had the gift to see and speak to them, although he would not call it a gift, but a curse and the only ones who knew were you and his sister Britt.

When he got to the living room doorway, there sat a little boy, about 5 years old with sandy blonde hair and big blue eyes, whom he had never seen before and he just looked at Dave until he spoke to him.

"Hey there. What's your name?"

"Jacob."

"Hello Jacob. I'm Dave."

"I know."

"Alright. Can you tell me why you're here?"

"She needs help."

"Who...needs help?"

"The girl at the train yard. I saw her. The bad man hurt her."

"The train yard??"

"Where mommy was hurt. Over there."

Jacob pointed out the window and Dave then realized he was referring to Train Town. It used to be a public attraction, about a mile away by a state park, but it was shut down many years ago and was now basically a train car graveyard.

"Who's your mommy Jacob?"

"Elizabeth. She died and rode the train."

Dave had to collect himself, for he now knew he was talking to Liz and your Lee's son.

"Ok. I heard about that. I am very sorry Jacob, but...who is the girl you said is hurt? Is she there now?"

"My new and favorite mommy's sister."

"You mean Josie? Her...sister?"

"Mmmhmm."

Dave sprung to his feet and called you, but got no answer so he called your mother Margaret and she confirmed that Megan had not been home since yesterday and that she could not reach her.

"Jacob, can you show me where she is at? It is a really big place."

"Yep. Last one there's a rotten egg!"

Jacob hopped out of his chair and ran out the front door and vanished like the typical fugacious ghost as Dave stood in a transient spell of shock. As his mind resumed focus, he then grabbed his medical bag, raced to his truck and sped off without a thought of the danger that could be waiting for him.

@redeemer46

[harus-simp]

Overflowing darkness

-Jeonghyeon x reader-

Warning:angsty at first (kind of a fight) but just for a moment

Author's note: This is based on something that occurred to me the other day(without the boyfie part of course 🤡) so yeah got some inspiration :))

Hope you like it ;))

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The later it gets the more worry is present in jeonghyeon as you hadn't return from work yet, earning a lot of scolding and clinginess later.

It was around 2 a.m but you still hadn't came back home yet, jeonghyeon was really pissed and mad because of the late hour. You never came that late so he was assuming the worst, his baby was nowhere to be found and he was starting to get quite scared of your current location.

He had called you multiple times, but you didn't answer to any of his calls. It wasn't because you didn't want to answer him tho, it's just that your phone was silenced lol 🤡

.

.

.

You on the other hand was becoming anxious and frightened due to the long walk you were having home, the buses were not active at that hour and you saw the last one go away right in your face.

'Great' you thought to yourself

With no other option left, you decided to start heading back home, walking. It wasn't the best option, you were perfectly aware of that, but what else were you supposed to do?

You could have grabbed a taxi, but you couldn't find one at that moment. So you opted to just ignore your crippling anxiety and go back as soon as possible.

And everything was going quite well, until you started to feel like you were being observed from behind. However, when you turned around there was no one there. You continued your journey with the same sensation still present, so you quickened your pace and decided to forget about it and focus on the front avenue.

Everything was good again, that felling disappeared, but instead it was replaced by little sounds of wood breaking or muffling voices in your back. The creepiness that once was present came back like a powerful storm in the middle of the night making you question your decision of coming back alone.

Your own thoughts and worries were silenced when you noticed an upcoming call from your boyfriend.

"Y/N WHY HAVEN'T YOU PICKED UP MY CALLS?"

"Sorry babe, my phone was silenced"

" WERE ARE YOU?"he screamed furiously

"I'm near the convenience store down the road"

"WHAT? But the bus doesn't take that route?"

"I know, I kinda lost the bus so I've been walking back home"

"YOU WHAT?"

"I'll explain you later, I'm almost there, love ya"you said while hanging up

Damn, he was pissed. REALLY pissed.

.

.

.

Once you were approaching the entrance you saw him leaning on the door frame with a worried expression, and as he saw you he runned directly to your direction bringing you into his embrace hugging you tightly and sniffling into the crock of your neck.

"Thank God you're okay" he whispered, any signs of fury or anger not visible anymore, instead replaced by gratefulness and relieve.

You hugged him back placing your arms around his frame and just enjoying the close proximity between you both.

"Sorry hyeonie, I lost the bus and then I had to walk home alone and I felt like I was being watched and then-"

You were cut off by his finger being pressed onto your lips to keep you from your venting, figuring out you would rather need a more relaxed demeanour to talk things out without feeling overwhelmed.

"Don't worry babe, I'm really sorry for screaming at you, I was just so worried. Why don't we come in and I make you a cup of tea while you tell me about your day?"

You calmed yourself and agreed to his plan hoping that would be a much better option than the previous one.

So he took you inside making you feel right were you belonged, at home. After your explanation he reassured you everything was okay now.

He pressed a loving kiss on your lips making you forget about all your problems and worries and just focusing on the kiss you were sharing with junhyeong.

It was sweet and delicate, yet a little desperate due to all the accumulated emotions inside of you both. Like a taste of black coffee with a kick of milk on it.

When you separated you saw his loving and adoring gace on you bringing you so much comfort and joy to be by his side.

You both decided to call it a day and head off to bead due to the long day you both had. When you positioned yourselves on bed you noticed how he hugged you from behind and wasn't planning on letting you go at all as he nuzzled closer on the nape of your neck.

And he indeed didn't let go of you till the next day, keeping you safe in his arms making all your worries go away ❤️

°◇°◇°◇°◇°◇°◇°◇°◇°◇°◇°◇°◇°◇°◇°◇°◇°

[starstruck-cupid]

The Sweater

Part 6 of Unnamed Charlie fic. Final part

Kirby x reader at end

(edit: name change. Formerly unnamed)

A/n: I hope this is an okay ending. It isn't what I envisioned but I suppose it's close. This is the finally part of the Charlie x reader. I'm thinking of doing a continuation with Kirby x reader set in the 6th movie.

TW: mentions of stabbing, harm towards reader, smoking. I think that's it?

//////////////////////////////////////<3///////////////////////////////////////////

After a few minutes, I go to find Charlie. Waking up the stairs, I call him, Jill, and Trevor. No answer. Finally I find a bathroom. I walk in, crack the door, and light a cigarette. Analyzing myself in the mirror, I don't realize Charlie is behind me. I feel a hand on my back. It makes me jump and I look up.

"Oh, hi"

He doesn't say anything. He grabs the cigarette and puts it out using the sink faucet. I turn to face him.

"Are you okay?" He's making me anxious.

Still no answer. The look in his eyes is unrecognizable. It's empty but loving at the same time.

"I'm sorry, bunny." His eyes may not be genuine but his words are. "I don't have any other choice. If I don't do it, if I don't make it easy and painless, she will, and she won't be nice."

"Charlie, what are you-" I feel a sharp pain in my stomach. His arms wrap around me

What's happening?

It hurts. Everything hurts. Everything is spinning. I look down.

He stabbed me?

"Char?" Looking at his face, my eyes welled up with tears. "I-" I can't get it out. Everything hurts. My lungs are burning.

"Shhh. Don't say anything. It'll be over soon, princess."

I can't stand anymore. I slowly start to slip down to the floor. Charlie keeps a firm grip on me the whole time, making sure my fall is calculated.

"I loved you" I finally managed to get it out. The thing I've been trying to tell him for days. I finally worked up the courage to do it today, and he stabbed me.

It's almost like I can see his heart break through his eyes.

"It had to happen this way." Not even an I love you too.

I can feel tears sliding down my face as I see Charlie reach into my bag. I didn't realize he had it. Pulling out my walkman, putting in my favorite cassette, he places the earbuds in my ears.

I hear Jill call out his name. I don't have the energy to tell her to run. He didn't say anything else. He just leaves. I don't have have the energy to cry

I don't know how long I sat there. I know 5 songs played. Sometime during the 5th, a police officer walked into the bathroom, gun drawn. Realizing it was just me. She quickly puts the gun down and rushes to me.

I don't remember what happened after that.

I woke up in a hospital. Kirby in a wheel chair next to my bed.

"How'd you get here?" I ask her with a weak voice.

"I snuck over." She said with a smile.

"He got you too?" The thought of Charlie being behind all of this makes me tear up again.

Kirby weakly sits up, needing against the side of my bed.

"Yeah." She said sadly, wiping the tears away from my eyes. It was the first time I've heard her anything but happy.

"Will you lay with me?" She nods, pushing down the assistant rails. I sit up a bit, helping her climb into my bed. For a while we lay there, wrapped in each other's arms.

~2 month time skip~

Everything was back to normal. At least for the rest of Woodsboro. For me and Kirby, it wasn't. We were recovering, but it was slow. All of our friends were dead and it was our friends who did it. I'm not sure if we'll ever be completely normal again. But we have each other.

I'm not sure what we are, but we've grown very close. We're planning to move in together once high school is over. We're getting as far away as we can. She decided she wants to join the FBI. I fully support her and I'm willing to go wherever she needs me.

For one in my life, I am both content and calm at the same time. I'm not sure if I'm happy, but one day I will be.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not telling my best friend I basically want to spend the rest of my life with her?

(This is long, I'm sorry, I'm incapable of shortly summarizing things)

Ok. So. I (26NB/FTM) am not in love with my best friend (25F), I'm ace and either aro or demiromantic (honestly not sure anymore). But I do love her as much as I can love anyone, probably. To the extent that I would want to be in a committed relationship (qpr I guess) with her and genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with her.

The thing is, she's neither aro nor ace and has only recently (last year) started overcoming fears and anxiety enough that she's gone on dates and wants to try having a relationship. It wasn't easy for her to get to this point and her anxiety is still a major thing she deals with, especially now trying to have a relationship. I know she doesn't love me romantically (not that I would particularly want her to) bc I'm firmly in the friend category and she's said that she can't fall in love with friends (though, again, I don't… want her to be in love me? Since I'm not in love with her either).

I want her to have these experiences. We're both still young and while I just don't need or want anything in that regard, I know it's different for her and in a way it's her finally being able to be herself, live for herself and do what she wants (she had a rough childhood and was basically the one raising her little brother). So, I really do want her to have these experiences and I'm not really jealous either bc I know I'm still more important to her ("bros before hoes" and all that, even if the hoes are guys lol). Though I have to admit it's recently been getting harder being genuinely happy for her when things go well with dates and I suppose I'm a little worried how things will be a few years down the line.

But we're very close. We've been friends for 8 years and best friends for almost as long. We tell each other everything. She's the most important person in my life and I'm the most important person in hers. We get mistaken for a couple constantly, at this point I'm pretty sure everyone in our families has at some point thought we're together. My mum basically treats her like a daughter; she's spent the last 3 Christmases with my family. Besides her brother, I'm the only person she truly cares about who she doesn't get anxious about. The reason I'm going to be moving back home after uni is because she still lives in the area; if she lived somewhere else I'd move there (that's not me being one-sidedly codependent btw, she would absolutely do the same). The jokes about how we need to die at the same time bc neither of us would want to live on alone are really only partly jokes.

Now, here's (finally) where I might be an asshole: When we were in school our friend group consisted of four guys, me and her. All the guys had a crush on her, though some she only found out about later. My best friend, at the time, identified as a lesbian (it's bi probably now). The guys knew that. Now this one guy she only found out about last year at a class reunion (I wasn't there) and he was being all weird about how he'd seen all the times they went to the movies together as dates etc. She thought they were jokingly calling those 'dates', we all did. Again, he knew she identified as gay and never actually said anything about being in love with her. He was also giving off incel-y vibes when she talked with him at the class reunion, so there's that.

We talked about that and well, I kinda admitted that there'd been a moment yeaaaaars ago (like 5?6?) where I felt myself fall in love with her and mentally went 'nope, nope, nope, not doing that (falling in love my best friend) again' and then… it didn't happen. Don't know how that worked. Either way, she made me promise if I ever did actually fall in love with her, that I would tell her. We were laughing about it but I know she was serious about that.

I don't plan on telling her though. I meaaaan I'm not in love with her, technically, which yes, I know, she would probably mean this too. But I know that, at least at this point in time, she doesn't want the same things I want and I want her to have these experiences of dating guys and being in a (allo) relationship etc. I don't want our relationship right now to change either and I know she would try to be considerate and I don't need or want that. I don't want her to overthink what she can or can't tell me, I don't mind hearing her talk about the guys she's dating and I want her to still come to me with everything. I know how she works, I've been basically managing her anxiety for years (genuinely do not mind that before anyone comes talking to me about boundaries) and I know I'm one of the few people in her life who try to let her come to her own conclusions/decisions instead of telling her what they think is right and/or what she should do (she's very easily influenced unfortunately and while I do tell her my opinions if she asks for them, I always try to let her come to her own conclusions first). I don't want her to lose all that. I don't want her to suddenly be anxious about me either, that is genuinely the last thing I would ever want.

TLDR: My best friend made me promise her that I would tell her if I fell in love with her, which I'm technically not, but I do want to spend the rest of my life with her & would want to be in a (queerplatonic) committed relationship with her. I don't want to tell her bc I know it's not what she wants, at least right now, and I want her to make her own experiences and I don't want our relationship to change with this.

AITA for not telling her I would want to be in a (queerplatonic) relationship with her?

What are these acronyms?

[berrypass-de-murdler]

90. Death at the Agency

i want to write to karber about my thoughts on murdle but that would be so embarrassing and potentially a big waste of time ;o;

'hi so i love your books so much I'm literally losing my mind'

then i just sit there thinking why did I write that and never knowing if someone saw it or not

Anyway Crystal Goddess is finished (new least favorite design), Fletch is going to color her tho - after that every character will have a design for book 1 (exc. flashback-only/copycat/obsidian OCs)

And ten more episodes to go!

And cannot stress enough, I will go through book 2 and further one episode at a time instead of planning way ahead so please be patient

DON'T READ THE EPISODES UNTIL YOU'VE FINISHED THE FIRST BOOK!!

The poor rattled chap pieces it together - obviously he is in so much distress because of all the commotion that’s been happening at this stupid studio. And he STILL doesn’t know why he’s here. Just to deal with all the murders? Why can’t someone else do it… why can’t there just NOT BE ALL THE MURDERS… 

He heads to the Black Tower, the place where he can revoke his contract. 

LOGICO: Stupid Midnight. Why did I even listen to him. I’m not even SUPPOSED to be doing DETECTIVE WORK!! I want to go home and drink coffee and draw perfectly even squares for hours!

Turns out ya boi isn’t the only one who has issues with all this. Argyle, Celadon (where did she come from?), Blaxton, and even President Midnight are all in line. The line never moves, because the secretary is DEAD. Logico confronts Argyle.

LOGICO: Well? Was it you? ARGYLE: NO! Ya dirt clod, you think it’s just because I’m at the front of the line! LOGICO: …Yes.  ARGYLE: NO! CELADON: How do you know it wasn’t me? I have a habit of killing for my religion. LOGICO: Was that a flat-out confession?? CELADON: No. BLAXTON: Ohhhhh [puppet flailing] I hate this so much! I wanted to sign my life away, and now I CAN’T! 

The stupidity is once again broken by a voicemail from last episode’s call. 

IRRATINO: Argyle was next to a bunch of letters. I know because I had a vision of him looking down on the letters. I’ve had visions of you too, Logico… LOGICO: [blushes heavily and suspiciously] What were the visions of?

He realizes that it was just a voicemail.

And that in fact, President Midnight had sliced the dead person to shreds.

PRESIDENT: He signed His life away. I’m sorry. What I did was not even a crime. And You cannot exit Your contract either, because of what You signed. LOGICO: GODDAMMIT AYE

The end!

HOW WILL THE GICO ESCAPE HIS HOLLYWOOD PRISON?!??!?1?

Btw I ship Amaranth and Blackstone now for absolutely no reason

Blackstone and the bad bitch he pulled by being anxious - Raven

Cheese + marshmallow

Idk what I'm talking about anymore

The power of Goat Lord compels you!

See you next time murdlers!

[auschizm]

This is mostly just a vent because I'm. Kind of a bit terrified and really want to vent in detail SOMEwhere. I would also appreciate encouragement and support but I'm not expecting much, I know I should probably find and go to a professional for help with this stuff.

So. Warning for this being a vent and touching on stuff like injuries that didn't actually happen and a lot of heavy emotions, I suppose.

I was diagnosed with autism in my late teens, but recently I've been strongly suspecting that something else is there--either a really really bad anxiety disorder, or possibly I'm schizo-spec? I'm really not sure, but a part of me keeps latching onto schizophrenia as a possible explanation whether it's the case or not. I've run into a pattern of getting really anxious at night to the point where it becomes impossible to sleep. Sometimes it's paired with what I suspect to be delusions and panic attacks.

A couple of months ago I once woke up in the middle of the night, convinced I'd somehow badly cut myself and that my eyes and sense of touch were both lying to me, even when I tried turning on the light to get a better look. For some reason I didn't believe my sense of taste would lie to me and didn't taste any blood, and I managed to calm myself to go back to sleep. And for a little while I thought that would be a one-time thing. But then I started getting terrified that if I went to sleep, something awful would happen, it'd turn out I had some terrible disease and die in my sleep and never finish any of my novels, or something. And I only really got a full night's worth of sleep two nights this week.

And a two nights ago I had what I think (I hope?) was a panic attack. My whole body suddenly started trembling, and it got so bad my teeth began chattering and I couldn't stand for extended periods of time. I managed to make it stop by petting the dog for several minutes, and when I had another one last night I made it stop by reading a chapter from a book until I relaxed more. But between my mind running away with certain ideas and making it hard to sleep, and losing control of my body in that way, and not even knowing what triggered those things and why it got so bad NOW as opposed to a month ago or a month from now. It's just really terrifying. I thought before that I understood the weird ways my body and my mind worked, and was really good at getting around them, or even just identifying when something like a meltdown or digestive issues were about to happen. And now it feels like I barely know my body and mind anymore. I wish I could just skip to the point where I have it all figured out again.

I am still making progress in figuring it out...kinda. I had some theories about what might help, my parents had other ideas. And it worked well enough that I only woke up once last night and got back to bed within a half hour, so I should be fine again eventually. But right now I still feel sore and weak and frustrated and anxious. I keep feeling silly about asking for help in the moment because it's not like anything's physically wrong with me, and I don't want to wake people up in the middle of the night when everyone else has work tomorrow.

I don't want to speculate about what's causing these experiences and why, but I can definitely relate to the experiences you're describing and they sound both genuinely terrifying and debilitating. And I am so sorry you have to cope with this! I do think it might be worth looking into what's happening here, because it definitely isn't classic autism.