#But I'm also aware that my issues are my own and if I'm able to do something that stops the pain for me without bothering anyone else I do

[avionvadion]

All of my Twisted Wonderland OCs

Literally, all of my Twisted Wonderland ocs- minus the fankids because they don't exist yet, lol. This list also includes the ones that haven't been named or properly designed yet, and are just sort of concepts. So it's not just the GloMas ocs, but the ones from NRC, RSA, TBC, RBA, RJA, etc.

This gets loooooong, so I'm putting it under a cut, lol.

ALSO, I do not own Radiant Jewel Academy. The absolutely wonderful and amazing @winterspellsfrozenkit came up with that one. As another added note, these OCs are for my fanfic, Once Upon A Dream, which you can check out on A03 if your heart so desires. :3 It is very much a Malleus centered fanfic, though, so expect a lot of Diasomnia.

Night Raven College

Ellis Dornbusch- a remnant of Psyche, who fell in love with Maleficent- a remnant of Eros- and became cursed due to a horrible misunderstanding caused by the Senate. A distant relative of the Dornröschen family, he began to reincarnate again and again- until eventually a wish by two sisters were made that allowed his soul to transcend time/space itself and be reborn as Eleanora in hopes to escape the curse.

Ellis is basically a Disney Princess, lol. He had a talent for plant magic, but without proper training he wasn't able to do much more than tend to plants and flowers.

Eleanora Quince- the current reincarnation of Ellis. Has severe anxiety and trust issues, but is absolutely smitten with Malleus. The fanfic is told from her PoV, which can make her a bit of an unreliable narrator at times.

She has a fear of not being taken seriously or believed, so she tends to lock all of her negative emotions and fears away despite encouraging others to share their own. Is fully aware her mental health is not in a good place, and tries to keep a distance to some people as a result of it, but fails as they're stubborn and genuinely care about her- even if they don't always know what she's thinking. She's a people-pleaser, but has a hard time relying on authority figures as they've failed her too many times in the past. Is a lot more clever and perceptive than what she, or anyone else, actually thinks she is. A chronic overthinker, who hates herself more than anything due to the abuse she received growing up.

Eleanora, personality wise, is actually a lot like Idia, but instead of speaking her negativity, rude thoughts, and doubts aloud she keeps quiet about them.

Twisted from: Psyche/Belle

Veronica Solaris- Veronica “Nico” Solaris (“True Image” and “Of the Sun”)

A remnant of Dionysus, she can clock toxic tactics FAST. She is also a descendant of Vincent, the only friend of the original Ellis.

Lives in the City of Flowers. Her parents used to be good friends with RSA’s Headmaster Ambrose before their death, which is when her uncle took her in. The Solaris family has always had powerful magic, but became rather poor in recent times. Knowing this, her uncle began searching for potential matches since many nobles have their eye on obtaining more powerful magicians in their families, and this leads to one suitor being particularly stubborn. Veronica wishes more than anything to escape him.

Veronica has a few exes from her middle school years, but she caught on pretty quickly they were trying to use her for her beauty, so she got out of them. A few tried to gaslight her a lot, due to insecurity about her powerful magic, and recognizing this she dropped them fast. After finding a fruit cake one had gifted her as an "apology" was spiked with something- able to tell from the smell alone that something wasn't quite right, as she does not play when it comes to food- she became extremely jaded towards romance and has sworn off dating since.

One day, while cooking (something that comforts her) and lamenting the way her life had turned out, wishing she could run away, she suddenly awakens her Unique Magic.

“Impossibilities held within my hands. The golden sun, silver moon, and dazzling stars cannot escape my grasp.

Hidden Under Donkey Skin."

She can disguise herself with this magic (though has to eat something she’s made once every 24 hours to keep up the disguise) and those who see her in her disguise can only ever clearly remember her golden eyes. Everything else about her is a blur. But if you know her true name, Veronica, you can see and remember her clearly for as she truly is. Veronica contacts Ambrose- who was listed as an emergency contact- and he agrees to hide her in RSA, provided she can keep up her disguise. She hopes to find some powerful friends at the academy, but no one there really has the gall needed to pick a fight. They were nice and most certainly kind, but not what she needed.

Upon hearing the rumors of the Overblots and learning about Eleanora Quince, she makes it her mission to befriend the young woman and transfer to NRC. Her favorite food is Potage Parmentier, as it's something her mother used to make for her, and she dislikes Fruit Cake due to the bad memories associated with it.

She ends up joining the Equestrian Club.

Right handed. 5’5. B-Day: June 10

Age: 18

Twisted from: Donkey Skin Princess/Dionysus

Wynter Northcliffe- A half-fae, his father is a seasonal Winter faerie from Pyroxene. He lives up in the mountains with his faerie father, human mother, and human great-grandparents who run the Pyroxene ski resort.

The fireplace is always running whenever Wynter is home, as he is unable to control his winter magic and will frost everything without the place being toasty warm. He feels bad about it. The first "frost-incident" occurred when he was two.

Wynter is a good boy, just has a bit of a resting grouch face as a result of constantly repressing his emotions. He is a Draconian, however, and admires Malleus greatly. He's not as outwardly, like, smitten as the other Draconians, but as a half-fae who has trouble controlling his winter-inherited magic he does greatly respect him. Has known Jack Howl since childhood, due to his family always visiting the ski resort, and is in the same class as Kalim and Silver.

Magift/Spelldrive Club. His favorite food is Beef Stew. Can’t stand ice cream, but will eat Hot Fudge Sundaes. His hobby is skiing. Is called "Cichlid" by Floyd.

Right handed. 6’0. B-Day: Dec. 13

Age: 17

Twisted from: Jack Frost

Forza Avenant- a rather avid Draconian, he worships Malleus strongly and wants only the best for him. As a result, he ends up acting rather foolishly- believing that the happiness Eleanora brings him is only temporary and that she's merely using him. That being said, he learns his lesson.

Age: 17

Twisted From: Maestro Forte

The Staff

Argus Hessian- is the menace of the NRC staff, and the school’s band director. Argus has had a rivalry with Divus since their school days, mostly stemming from him being an utter fashion disaster. Their rivalry only worsened when they discovered they both joined the same club, and when Divus became club leader despite Argus having had joined first.

He was once Ignihyde’s “very eccentric” dorm leader. Is one of many in his family who became teachers at NRC.

Trein can’t stand him. Crowley finds him entertaining. Vargas likes him because Argus encourages his shenanigans (though Argus tries to avoid the coach more often than not, disliking the fact that their names rhyme and because he knows Vargas will pull him into some random exercise routine.) Sam finds him entertaining and likes him because he's a frequent customer/knows how to play practically any jazz instrument, Ambros pretends he doesn't exist, and Poma finds Argus has some interesting things to say but otherwise doesn't interact with him much save for putting an end to arguments between him and Divus.

Is called a "Swell Shark" by Floyd, as he glows when in darkness/in ultraviolet light. An insectoid beastman of some sort- probably firefly/lightning bug.

His Unique Magic let's him attack with literal music: "It's Time To Boogie!"

Left handed. 5’5. B-Day: Oct. 31.

Age: 34

Twisted from: Oogie Boogie (with some slight Alex Brightman Beetlejuice flair)

Reynolds Ambros- the chief librarian of NRC’s campus library. He is extremely particular about books, how to tend to them, and seems to care little about those around him- but perhaps he is merely burnt out because he cared a little too much, and has grown numb to emotion? His age is a mystery, and he sometimes speaks like someone much older. He’s quite suspicious, but doesn’t seem to have any bad intentions… but what intentions he does have, no one can really tell.

His favorite food is Hazelnut Soup. He dislikes it greatly that Crowley not only continuously calls him by his first name due to his beef with RSA Ambrose, but that he’s been denying him the position of alchemy professor for years. Is called a "Black Rasbora" by Floyd.

Right handed. 5’10. B-Day: Dec. 21

Age: ???

Twisted from: Mother Gothel

Poma Salvador- the NRC school nurse. Poma is from a family of morticians. His dad was a mortician, and he wanted his children to inherit the business. Poma wanted nothing to do with dead people, instead preferring to look after those who are still alive, and that caused a wedge between them early on. After Poma announced he was trans, the father denounced him and began putting more pressure on his brother, Rufio. Poma eventually ran away from home, using his acceptance letter from NRC as his ticket, and built himself a new life.

Poma is an NRC alumni and Pomefiore’s former vice dorm leader. He is also married to Divus, and they have a daughter named Selena. His favorite food is Spinach puffs, and he dislikes soda. Ends up adopting Eleanora and Skully. Is called "Purple Dottyback" by Floyd.

His Unique Magic allows him to heal those within sight, but he only needs to use the incantation if they're at a distance:

“Reveal to me the secret signs; who is to blame, who am I to curse? Creatures of the beguiling darkness, gain some remission from the vagaries of time. Live by the light of the kindly moon. 

Snuff Out The Light.” 

Ambidextrous. 6’2. B-Day: May 23.

Age: 32

Twisted from: Yzma and Kronk

Nigel Deveraux- is the choir teacher, and is called “Box Ray” by Floyd because of his hair and him always standing on a podium. He is very particular about which voices he chooses to sing in choir, and tends to butt heads with Argus about how to run things. NRC alumni, was once Octavinelle’s dorm leader.

He’s left handed. Has a son. Is a mantaray merman.

Age: 48

Twisted from: Manta

Royal Sword Academy

Kusiñawi Salvador- Poma’s nephew, who ran away from the Land of Pyroxene all the way to the Queendom of Roses to live with his uncle after a fight with his parents. Poma and Divus were extremely surprised, but allowed him stay until it was time for him to go to RSA. While he bickers with Divus and Poma a lot, he does genuinely care for them- simply struggles to show it, as he is unused to such a warm household- and often finds himself doting on his little cousin Selena.

Has a bad habit of doing whatever it is he wants, without considering the consequences or burdens it may bring onto others. He's been considered a "miracle child" for a very long time, and was spoiled by his parents as a result all the way up until their big fight- when Rufio was reminded of what happened with Poma. Kusi gets very excited when he finds out he has a "new cousin" and sneaks his way onto NRC campus to meet Eleanora- and later Skully.

His Unique Magic allows him to become the center of attention, so long as he keeps dancing. It's very helpful for when he has to act as a decoy.

"Born and raised to rule, an enigma and a mystery! The perfect world begins and ends with me! I am king of the world. Behold!

The Emperor's Groove."

Left handed. 5’10. B-Day: April 1

Age. 17

Twisted from: Emperor Kuzco

Luca Sternwald- Diane’s twin brother, and Kusi’s roommate. He's haunted by his unique magic, which occurs whether he wants it to or not.

Diane has prophetic visions of good futures, while Luca specifically has bad visions. The first time he had one was about their faerie mother's death to a horde of direbeasts, but he thought it was just a nightmare until they were attacked in the forest one day. Diane was clever and was able to save herself and her brother, but Luca blames himself for not realizing he had seen the future and not being able to save their mother.

He has a lot of visions about NRC and the chaos that takes place there, but, growing up in the forest away from society, he doesn't... really know what NRC or Sage's Island is? It isn't until he gets two letters- one from Noble Bell College and Royal Sword Academy- that he realizes it's probably a college, and because the RSA letter specifically mentioned Sage's Island he chooses that school. Diane remains at home, however, guiding lost souls out of the forest and killing any dire beasts that try to approach.

They aren't complete visions. He mostly sees bits and pieces of the battles, a glimpse of the "villain" before the imagery pans away (not letting him see the face, just the clothes and sometimes hears the voice) before cutting to the "bad" where he sees the most likely ways Eleanora could die.

That said, because Malleus is so closely connected to Eleanora, after arriving at RSA, Luca also has a lot of Malleus visions where Malleus completely snaps because of how frequently Eleanora's life gets threatened, and so he's seeing all the ways Yandere Dragon! Malleus may lock Eleanora away. The horns are a dead give away, so he knows it's Malleus, and he is ON GUARD and SO SUS of this dragon. The amount of visions he has of him snapping are just a testament to how much Malleus is actually restraining himself in reality during the events of the fic.

This, on top of being a remnant of Apollo, Luca really doesn't like Malleus- a remnant of Eros- and tries to convince Eleanora to find someone better (Vincent is right there! He'd be good to you!) but even after Malleora defies his dark visions time and time again, and even after the visions finally stop, Luca remains concerned to the point that he eventually follows them to the Valley alongside Skully as Eleanora's bodyguard/knight.

Ambidextrous. 6’3. B-Day: Nov. 25

Age: 17

Twisted from: Apollo, god of prophecies, art, and music.

Castiel- Ambros’ long lost son, who doesn't know he exists. His mother, despite her best efforts, was not in a position to raise a child, so she left him at an orphanage when he was young- telling him his father was called "Ambrosius" but nothing more than that. Through hard work and a lot of study, he managed to get into RSA through a scholarship.

Castiel can't stand (Ernesto) and (Bellweather) because he knows they're both such fakes. He probably feels sorry for (Lawrence) since the poor guy is just kinda caught up in their schemes- but Castiel may or may not stop feeling sorry for him depending on how I handle (Lawrence)'s character and the choices he's makes.

He loves music and chess, and is in the fencing club. He's a bit of a perfectionist.

Right handed, 6'2, B-Day: Sept. 20

Age: 18

Twisted from: Cassandra

Vincent Evariste de Addams- his great grandmother was a Kingscholar Princess who married another country's prince for an alliance, and after a few generations the visible traits of beastmen sort of died out- though Vincent does still have the fangies. 

Great Grandfather- human. Great Grandmother- beastwoman.

Grandfather- beastman. Grandmother- human. 

Father- human, with some strong lion traits such as strength, speed, etc. Mother- human. 

Vincent- human. 

He has fangs, can growl/roar like a lion, and is stronger than the average person, but is not quite up to par with an actual beastman. His unique magic allows him to transform into a beast, though.

Vincent has some issues with his temper, but tries his best. Whenever he gets frustrated he sometimes loses his cool. It's rare, as it only happens when he can't escape an upsetting situation, and he could feel REALLY bad when it happens because it's so rare, and after snapping he immediately starts apologizing. He looked human, as both his parents are, as his grandfather was the last to inherit the physical beastman traits, but he still has the roar/growl and strength of a lion. 

Luca introduces Vincent to Eleanora because he does not like Malleus because of all the "bad ending" nightmares his unique magic makes him have, and thinks she deserves better. Luca gets the idea when Vincent expresses interest in her (because the Eros in him recognized Psyche) asking Luca if he knew her, but Eleanora ends up rejecting him and they end up book buddies instead. When she meets Rosabelle at GloMas, Eleanora clocks that's she's supposed to be Belle and sends her Vincent's way.

Malleus does not like Vincent. Vincent is the only one he feels has the capacity to actually be a threat to his relationship due to the Eros traits (even though El has told him time and again that she's rejected Vincent, and that they just talk books- because unlike most people, the dude is actually decent and knows how to take a no) and it irks him greatly. He only relaxes when Vincent meets Rosabelle.

B-Day: Dec. 23

Age: 18

Twisted from: Prince Adam, the Beast

Qoni- one of Kusi’s best friends, who helped him when he ran first ran away from home. Originating from a family of ranchers, he obtained a unique magic that allows him to calm down all those he talks to- inflecting magic into his voice. It's particularly helpful when dealing with anxious or rowdy animals, and keeping chaotic extroverts like Luca and Kusi in line.

He made the llama poncho Kusi always wears.

Twisted from: Pacha

(Ernesto de la Cruz)- is part of RSA's "dark trio" and firmly believes he's the leader of his little group. (He is not. (Bellweather) is.)

He probably doesn't really like Neige or Luca all that much, because they're pretty and can easily take attention away from him. He can't stand Kusi just because he's a bit of a menace.

(Bellweather)- a manipulator and a schemer.

(Lawrence)- just a lil' henchman getting dragged along into (Bellweather) and (Ernesto)'s schemes.

Rose Blade Academy

Rosabelle Beaumont- Rosabelle is often mistaken as Neige’s cousin, Rosa Leroux. (Rosa Leroux being @winterspellsfrozenkit's oc) She has hazel eyes, but similar dark hair to Neige. “Neige is beautiful, so obviously his cousin is also conventionally beautiful right?! So it's gotta be that dark haired, dark eyed beautiful girl who reads a lot, not the curly haired redhead with all the freckles and light eyes.”

Rosa Leroux has... feelings about that.

Rosabelle tends to keep her head stuck in the books- doing her best to ignore all the rumors taking place around her and rejecting any wild (and incredibly inaccurate) theories. She has a strong sense of curiosity and justice, and gets annoyed really quickly when people simply won't take a hint. Looks just enough like Eleanora due to being another remnant of Pysche that she could be mistaken as her sister.

Is in RBA's Equestrian club, as there weren't enough people to form a book club with her. Her father is a mechanic.

B-Day: Nov. 22

Age: 17

Twisted from: Belle

Hazel Woods- a squirrel beastman, she's very hyper and talkative. As well as an utterly hopeless romantic, this girl falls in love easily, repeatedly, and has had her heart broken too many times to count that she's now finally able to hold back her tears upon rejection- but is still convinced she'll one day find her true love.

She's roommates and best friends with Crystalynn, and ends up totally smitten with Silver Vanrouge after he hands her a handkerchief, trying to cheer her up, when she's rejected by Malleus during GloMas. Has an older sister that's obsessed with RSA'S Headmaster Ambrose.

Left handed, 5'3, B-Day: July 12.

Age: 16

Twisted from: Lady Squirrel #1 from Sword in the Stone

Crystalynn Ashworth- one of the few survivors from the Court of Mirrors.

Several years ago, a war broke out between the Court of Mirrors and the Court of Gossamer. Her mother was a Fairy Godmother in training, but without any combat training or experience they ended up escaping to the Valley of Thorns, where her mother took up glasswork of the magical variety instead- even making Crystalynn's twin sister, Phoebe, a pair of prosthetic (magically-imbued) glass legs.

Her father remained a tailor, using his skillful magic to weave and make clothing. However, because of the horrors she witnessed during their escape, as well as her sister's fall, Crystalynn became unable to speak.

She tends to communicate with sign language or magic symbols- the latter, if she's especially frustrated that no one is listening to her, as they make a popping noise, like sparklers, which are very good at grabbing people's attention. She is the very picture of elegance and beauty, and she loves to read. But while her shyness often leads to her to being talked over she doesn't let that stop her from saving her friend and roommate Hazel from a certain crocodilian half-fae when he blows up at the beastwoman for trying to flirt with Malleus.

Despite her sister's reluctance to leave the safety of the Valley, isolated from the outside world as it is, Crystalynn wanted to see more of the world- in hopes to not allow the fear the Court of Gossamer instilled in her to rule over her heart.

Crystalynn's favorite food is fresh fruit and nuts.

Right handed, 5'5, B-Day: Feb. 15

Twisted From: Cinderella's glass slipper.

Charlie Monroe- wants to be a fashion designer, probably handmakes a lot of her own clothes- probably learning from Reina’s auntie who likely looks after her when her father, a wealthy businessman, is off being busy with work. Definitely has dreams of marrying someone handsome and rich, but probably wouldn’t mind if he was “just” handsome since she fully intends to be the money maker with her fashion.

Charlie hates anything spooky, and her favorite food is Reina's homemade beignets.

Twisted from: Charlotte/Lottie

Reina Chase- someone with big dreams to open her own restaurant one day. Her aunt is a free-lancing tailor, who has been looking after her ever since she was small, and she has a half-sister from her mother's side. She's been fascinated with cooking ever since her late mother first taught her how to hold a soup ladle.

She thinks frogs are cute, and her favorite food is gumbo.

Twisted from: Princess Tiana

(Prudence- chaperon for GloMas)-

Twilight Bastion College

Maxine Maddison- chaos incarnate, she's a human with a unique magic that allows her to shapeshift into any animal she's seen in person. Childhood friends with Kusi, having gone to the same elementary and middle schools, they bicker like siblings and text each other rude things out of a sense of rivalry.

She's absolutely floored when she finds out Kusi ran away from home, before cackling because of how reckless that was for him and praising him for actually doing something for himself for once. She then makes fun of him for going to RSA of all schools, as it's filled with "goody two-shoes" and Kusi is so spoiled he absolutely doesn't belong there.

Left handed, 4'11, B-Day: Dec. 25

Age: 18

Twisted from: Madam Mim

(Evil Pumpkin) -

Radiant Jewel Academy

(Good Pumpkin)

(Maid Marianne)

(Eat Me Cookies)

(Moana) - Reina's half-sister.

Extra

Diane Sternwald- Luca’s twin sister.

As a half-fae, who firmly believes she is full fae due to the circumstances of their birth, she sees no point in attending a magical school when she already has control of her abilities, and is currently living her best life out in the woods hunting and protecting the home their late diurnal fae mother left behind.

That being said, she encouraged Luca to accept RSA’s letter in hopes he could learn to better control his unique magic- which causes him great distress. She and her brother write each other frequently.

5'10, B-Day: Nov. 25

Age: 17

Twisted from: Artemis, goddess of the hunt.

Zaahira Ali: is the fourth princess and daughter of the great Sultana Aaliyah, the one most likely to inherit the throne. While she does not attend any academies, instead having several tutors assigned specifically to her- all for general education, royal education, and magical education, she does meet Eleanora and Kalim when all three of them are abducted around the same time because people had it out for her, for Kalim, and... not so much Eleanora, as she was just taken as leverage to use against Kalim in case he tried to fight back as the two were both in town shopping at the time.

She's determined to keep up a friendship with Eleanora, so as to establish ties between her kingdom and the Valley of Thorns.

Right-handed, 5'6, B-Day: Jan. 27

Age: 17

Twisted from: Princess Jasmine

Selena Salvador-Crewel- Divus and Poma's daughter. She remains in the Queendom of Roses with her nanny, where she's homeschooled and eagerly awaits her parents' return during the weekends and holidays. During school events, like Halloween Week, she stays with them in Foothill Town in their apartment.

Absolutely loves dogs, and dresses in black-and-white like her daddy, despite being the spitting image of her papa.

B-Day: Oct. 17

Twisted from: The Moon (Yzma’s song, Snuff Out The Light)

Age: 7

Eira (Wynter’s mother) and Jökull (Wynter's father) - having lost her parents very recently, Eira was on her way to her grandparents’ resort to move in with them, and got lost due to a blizzard. The wires on the cable-car she was in froze up and snapped, and fell into the woods of the snowy mountain. She survived, but ended up with a banged up leg and several cuts in the process. She ends up collapsing atop a frozen lake. Hearing her cries, a Winter Fae named Jökull discovers her- only to notice that the ice was breaking. He was quick to save her from falling in, and soon blessed her with protection from the cold so she wouldn’t freeze to death, enamored with her warmth and gentle nature.

He transforms into a gust of snowflakes to guide her up the mountain safely, not wanting to risk being seen by other humans.

Her grandparents are shaken with relief when an icy gust pushes the resort’s doors open and they see her walk in, injured but alive. She isn’t freezing at all, despite being covered with snow. It reminds them of their good luck on the mountain, always able to find their way home easily no matter how great the storm, and how they always found it easy to walk in snow. Drifts that should crumble under them instead rise up to their waists and support their weight instead. They’d still get cold, but never lost, and they always found their way back home safely.

The grandparents believe there are guardians on the mountain that protect them, and was what protected their granddaughter...

...Until one day about a year or two later she returns home from a walk introducing someone who is very obviously a fae to them and asking for their blessing in marriage.

(He believed they were already married, being quite the ancient fae and acting on the older custom of "three nights together = married" until she explained that's not how it works anymore, and got him to agree to meet her grandparents and get their blessing so they can be properly married, as she realized she's preggers with baby Wynter.)

The grandparents realize right away Jökull is the "guardian" who saved their daughter, and who has been looking after them based on some of the things he said. They accept him into their family immediately. He's genuinely surprised by how powerful Wynter's faerie blood ends up being, as he struggles to control the frost even as he gets older.

Phoebe Ashworth- Crystalynn's twin sister, who remains in the Valley to continue the family business. When the Ashworth family was escaping the Pyroxene mountains in which the Court of Mirrors lived, trapped in a war against the Court of Gossamer, Phoebe ended up falling off the cliffside and damaged her legs beyond salvaging.

As a result, she now has a pair of prosthetic magically-imbued glass legs.

Left handed.

Twisted from: Cinderella's broken glass slipper.

Huxley Lyle- Veronica’s stalkerish Suitor. He's ginger, and is the youngest of several brothers in a wealthy noble family. He believes that if he’s able to convince her to marry him and they later have a kid with her magical ability and prowess, he might be able to take over the family business.

Twisted from: Hans

(Vulture from Snow White)- a third-year Draconian who worships Malleus to the point of near madness. His "love" is a toxic obsession, and he's determined to scare Eleanora out of NRC in order to have him for himself. It does not go well for him.

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

I think cancel culture has rotted my brain and I'm way too Law & Order pilled

[dontmixpaintinyourcoffee]

This one goes out to all the bitches who love some good Safehouse Era Horror. It's me, I'm bitches. I want Jon and Martin to be fucked up and eldritch but I want them to be fucked up and eldritch and loved

(Notes under the cut because I can't help myself. Heads up, I do go into some detail of how Jon gets injured so I can explain my thought process for how I designed his scars. All canon-typical and fairly clinical in tone.)

Here's how I picture Safehouse Jon!

He doesn't need glasses anymore by this point, so he should just be wearing empty frames, but I drew this before I settled on my glasses headcanons. This drawing looks better with the reflection anyways.

He hasn't gotten a haircut since before his promotion to Head Archivist. He doesn't love the weight of it on his neck, but he also uses it to fidget, and he really doesn't want to go through the whole process of cutting it. He's disliked haircuts since he was a kid (People: Bad. Small talk: Bad. Touching: Bad. Loud sounds: Bad. People talking all at once: Bad) and since his time with the Circus he's only grown more reluctant to go and get it done.

At this length his hair is naturally pretty curly but he is. Not taking care of it. I actually put a lot of effort into trying to make it look brittle and tangled (I have a lot of experience lol, my hair is quite thick and I've always hated taking care of it. Yes I am also projecting my feelings about going to a hairdressers onto him why do you ask.)

The various scars were a bit of a strange task, but anyone who has seen my takes on The Bad Kids knows I'm not averse to selective realism in my fiction. Easiest one was the neck, I always pictured Daisy making a vertical cut based on "through the voice box". The larynx is longer than it is wide, so I think Daisy would go for the method that dealt damage across the largest total surface area. Yes I am aware that I'm speaking the same way Martin does when he explains his corkscrew.

The worm scars were easy because I barely drew any. There are a few marks on his cheek, but they're just surface bites. I picture most of his encounter with Prentiss showing on his legs, particularly on the right side, with enough damage there that he starts using a cane after the incident to keep weight off his right leg. More research to be done on this particular detail.

Finally the burn on his hand from Jude. This was the weirdest one to figure out just because of the nature of the injury. How do you quantify the damage done to an epidermis by a living manifestation of sometimes-boiling wax that can heat and cool at will? I settled on it being a second-degree burn that healed supernaturally fast, containing the damage to the space Jude had direct contact with. He'd probably have some mobility issues there as well. I know there are ways to help with mobility and pain after a severe burn, but I don't know how much of it Jon would actually. Do. Like I said, definitely further research to be done on these last two.

Hey so I'm gonna ask you to stop and consider the horror of the watcher. The helplessness. The guilt. The inherent terror of being a spectator, a participant by proximity but not by action. The horror of not being able to look away, of being a bystander. Jon forgets to blink sometimes. But wouldn't it be so much worse if there were no eyelids at all? That's how I interpret the description of The Archivist being "All Eyes" :D

I love a good Many-Eyed Jon, so I whipped up my own interpretation here. I think the more he Becomes the more he starts to resemble the thing from the dreams. He has a lot more control of it in S5, but it still creeps up on him and he has to consciously go back to a human shape.

[plaguedarts]

THE DOODLVERSE!

So this is basically just a collection of my personal designs/headcanons for the digital circus main cast :]

+ More headcanon info under Read More & a little life update at the end!

Okay headcanon info dump lets go!!!

Pomni: The circus's newest and squeakiest jester. She's incredibly good with numbers because her special interest is math. She's been diagnosed with Autism since she was young, but pursued an ADHD diagnosis as an adult. (Headcanon based on @bluepandadraws-log's comics). She's pansexual but doesn't really like to tell people about it unless they're close. Her tail seems to move of its own accord, and Pomni has very little control of it.

Ragatha: A dolly that's a lot tougher than she looks, with a complex for taking care of everybody except herself. Ragatha has many unaddressed "issues" that make her see herself as damaged and too far gone to be saved. She's never sought a diagnosis or therapy for any of it while she was still in the real world, so she isn't even aware that she shows symptoms of OCD. (Headcanon based on ‪@fridgevespidae comics). She's adapted to life at the circus but is by no means comfortable in it. Jax and Ragatha dated in the early days, but Ragatha wasn't all that attached to the relationship. She cared about Jax and still cares about him, but she just didn't LOVE him. She still isn't really sure if she likes guys, but liking girls is something she isn't ready to address yet.

Jax: A rabbitoid who entertains himself by any means possible (usually involving cartoonish violence). Despite how jerky he can be, deep down he cares about everyone else in the circus, especially Ragatha in particular. He's still not over his feelings for her even after all this time, and he's not sure how to cope with them. He's not sure how to cope with most things really. He definitely projects his own insecurities onto people, and he's got a fear of being alone with his thoughts. Can't be with people, can't be alone.

Kinger: The eldest of the group, a king piece who's largely lost his mind. He walks around with a hunch, yet his character model is still the tallest! He has a pet caterpillar toy named "Bug," and it's always crawling around somewhere on him. He may not always be of sound mind, but he only means well.

Gangle: A sweetheart with a mask as fragile as her feelings. Gangle remembers the anime shows she grew up watching more than her own life. She knew very early on that she was different from most people, and thought she had herself mostly figured out until she started questioning her gender identity and sexuality, not to mention being diagnosed with autism as an adult. She likes the label "pansexual," but still doesn't have a solid answer on her gender. For now, they call themselves a "demigirl." Zooble and Gangle are greatly able to relate to each other's struggles, making their bond even stronger. Gangle also has full control over her ribbon tail, often using it as a second appendage.

Zooble: Our local amalgamation of parts that really really doesn't want to be here! Zooble has tried to make the best out of their new body, but can't still can't find something that just feels like THEM. Though certain parts like the fox tail and cat leg seem to put them a bit more at ease. Without Gangle, they might have already gone insane. She's the only one that Zooble truly trusts. (Zooble is also in love with Gangle but in complete denial over it).

Okay now for the life update!

Soooooo I've been gone for quite a bit, and some of you might be curious as to why. I'm still alive as I can be, rest assured. I was just busy focusing on college since this was my final semester leading up to my graduation! It sucked and it burnt me out but I MADE IT!!!

I'm taking these next couple weeks to be lazy, but now I can focus a lot more on my art and stuff!

If you read this far give me a "🐛" because bugs are cool

[sxorpiomooon]

What kind of person are you truly? The good and the bad - a pac reading

for the days when you feel like no one knows or truly understands who you truly are, including yourself<3

Paid readings

tip me

Pile 1-

What's up with you guys and the number four? Were some of you also attracted to the fourth pile or what? Washing machine heart comes to my mind but I said heart? These people might love talking about love and might be interested in philosophy as well. Do you guys like nail paint? This pile is very feminine, even for the ones that feel like they are not you are trust me. You guys might have a good venus placements? Perhaps libra I'm not getting much pisces but could be cancer as well. You guys are calm and compassion "hold me, console me" played in my head I said heart again instead of head. You guys might love the sea? You guys also like cinnamon girl by lana del rey. Do you enjoy juices or perhaps coffee? I heard "I can bring others happiness without sacrificing my own" and honestly please do learn that. Stop making unnecessary sacrifices that are not needed stop pulling yourself in the front of a train. You don't have to be the one in the front of the bullet every time. Oo you guys like good shoes and I think they'll suit you well. You are calm and comforting providing comfort to way more people that you know while constantly being hanged on by a thread yourself oohoo start sewing or crocheting you guys might be good heard gemini perhaps bc it's done via your hands. People also see you as an "ideal feminine woman" btw alot of girls around you might want to be like you. Do you guys like winters or mufflers hahahahhaha. You are someone who likes to hype other people ho do you like concerts? Someone passionate and determined I saw an ink pen and jo march. You have a spark in you and remember no matter how much other people might try to steal it it will remain yours no matter what.

Pile 2-

OOO this is the pile of our high achievers and ambitious people the ivy league and the pile that is on the top. You guys like to be aware of everything happening around you I keep seeing a newspaper you keep in touch with all the news and buzz around you. Very quick to notice eyes and body movements lmao. You like to be two steps ahead of everyone I see you living your life very dramatically hahah bc it adds twist. This pile has people with very very high standards and that want to and will make it very big. You guys are constantly building yourself up and levelling yourself up via your skills. Constantly learning to be at the top and never lose their position I keep hearing ceos and all that. You guys love to have titles in front of your names might have capricorn or virgo asc in their d10 or I'm seeing sun rahu conjunction or something. Wants to be at the top and will be at the top. I see these guys being winners public opinion also matters you alot in a way that you want everyone to see your success and clap for you and so they will. You guys want to be at the authority this might piss alot of you but y'all might be like your father's like him started playing. You guys might have control issues and might start acting up/tweaking when you lose it. Stop ignoring other aspects of life

Pile 3-

I thought of the word "therapist" before I pulled the cards and looking at the cards y'all need to talk to one instead of being one<3 to start with the good you guys are brilliant leaders and bring happiness whenever you go. It's like a street filled with unhappy people will be happy and bought to joy if we send you there. You have the ability to make things and people work. You have the ability to make things feel hopeful and have people wishing of the best even when they almost gave up. You are able to hype other people ho and sort of bring them hope. You are sucessful and some of you might have good family backgrounds as well privileged in some manner? Alot of respect or authority is just handed to you I heard resources? This pile has people that are OBSESSED with working not because you like it or something bc this is just something that happens to you naturally. You don't know how to never not work. You also might sometimes be obsessed with the luxurious things not because tou like it but because you want to show off or like prove it to other people? I think some of you didn't have these luxuries growing up so now when you are capable of having them you own them even when they bring you no happiness. This pile has alot of unresolved traumas and a emotional baggage. This pile might have or will have to leave alot behind to get in this position. Honestly I feel like this is not who you are currently but this is the future you. I feel like this reading is for the people who just need to hear that they will be okay and they will make all their big dreams that seem unreachable or unattainable to other people come true. I'm rooting for you my pile 3

Pile 4-

you might forget things while speaking or thinking only your mind might get foggy? This pile might be struggling with some of their issues alone I'm seeing face acne but could be any other issue that you are insecure about. You guys sort of choose to deal and suffer alone. I heard "void" and a song that translates to "please don't go like this" keeps playing in my head might be scared of getting left by people or might have the fear that they will never be known and loved for who they truly are. But how would you even know that when you will never reveal or let other people see who you truly are? in order to be loved for who you truly are you must first reveal to other people who you truly are. This pile feels ashamed to ask others for help. This pile might like lip gloss/lipstick or might look good in them. It's crazy how they deal with their problems and issues alone because all and everyone's eyes are always on them. Everyone is always looking at you and all the eyes are always on you. My pile four, you shine so bright and I think you do know this but I don't think you are able to truly grasp how much bright you shine. It's like if you are in a room full of people there is only you in front of people's eyes. And this is not something that's romantic but something that there just is. You are truly charming and enchanting. Your presence demands to be looked at and be appreciated. You make people feel hopeful and look at the bright side. You can find the light for other people even in the darkest of the streets. A true poetic by heart naturally filled with the desire to create and articulate. It's very tragic how everyone's always looking at you yet you are so lonely and alone. I heard poetic again and saw a dove? You will find your match my pile four. You will find the love and light that you give to others. Fourth of July by sufjan stevens started playing. You guys might like the piano too.

[aibafiles]

Esperanto in Metaphor: ReFantazio

Not long ago I saw this this tweet pointing out that the in-game language in Metaphor is Esperanto (written in another script) and I decided to investigate for myself! The vocal tracks are in Esperanto as well, but I want to focus on the text here since I don't have a great ear for it. (The quoted tweet also points out that you can rearrange the title to get an Esperanto phrase - I think it would be more accurately spelled "Metafore Fantazio," or "metaphorically fantasy"!)

For the unfamiliar, Esperanto is the world's most widely spoken constructed language, developed in the late 19th century with the aim of being an easy to learn secondary language that could act as a bridge between speakers of other languages. While its vocabulary and grammar are largely derived from various European language families, it has speakers worldwide, including a sizeable number in Japan. Given the relationship between Metaphor's world and our own, I think it's a cool choice to take a constructed secondary language and make it the in-universe primary language—not to mention the game's themes of uniting different people with a language intended to do just that.

I studied Esperanto myself for some time 9 years ago, though I've forgotten most of it, so I'm very rusty. That said, I was able to sit down and parse one particular block of text that the game provides a translation for, and use that to read the rest! I'm slowly combing through the demo and translating any legible text, and I wanted to share some of the interesting details I found. If any Esperantists see this and want to weigh in, please do! There's plenty I may not remember or be aware of.

Continued under the cut, including content from the demo:

Let's start with the text the game translates for us! Here's what the VO/subtitles say:

O Great Seeker, bearer of fantasy empowered... Hear my wish, and come forth from thy epoch of glory to grant me thy guidance.

Here's the "deciphered" Esperanto:

Ho, granda serĉanto, kiu vivas en epoko de gloro, kiu enkarnigas la povon de fantazio. Bonvolu disdoni al li vian gvidadon.

And here's a more "direct" translation:

O Great Seeker, who lives in an epoch of glory, who embodies the power of fantasy. Please grant him thy guidance.

Not too much different of note here other than the pronoun usage—in Esperanto, the speaker explicitly uses "he," likely referring to the protagonist. I suspect that the English is actually translated from the Japanese line, which is ambiguous, so they made an educated guess here. But, since this is the same speaker who narrates awakening cutscenes and new bonds, it makes sense that they're calling to the Seeker on his behalf!

This is a point I'm unsure about, but from my understanding, "granda" (here translated as "great") typically refers to size, so it seems like an odd word choice to me—but it's possible there are connotations I'm not aware of.

After some poking around I stumbled across some text on the background of the name entry screen that reads "signaro" (character set), followed by the whole Latin alphabet on the next line.

"But Batts!" you may say. "Esperanto doesn't use QWXY! What about the diacritics!"

Well. There aren't any! There are 6 characters with diacritic marks used in Esperanto (ĉ, ĝ, ĥ, ĵ, ŝ, and ŭ), and since our character set doesn't use any of them, we have to make some educated guesses about which one it is at any given time. This is mostly a non-issue since they're real, existing words, but it does make it a bit trickier at points, and relates to another problem I'll get to in a bit. (There are a select few instances where I've seen diacritic marks on handwritten text or shop names, but there are still far fewer than there should be.)

That said, there is also some plain English text using this script as well, so the game does make use of those extra letters, such as the Memorandum UI - scrolling books have titles like "Marine," "Royal Capital," "100 Mystery of Ningen (humans)," and "Melancholia Gen" (?), plus cute notes in the background like "I want to read slowly" and "already read very good."

Anyway, this diacritic ambiguity bugged me for a bit when I started translating some text with "Euchronia" in it, like the above "Regno de Eŭcronio - Dezerto de Tradia." The Esperanto "C" and "Ĉ" are always pronounced "ts" and "ch" respectively, so the pronunciation here is a bit awkward either way, as both characters are meant to precede a vowel. A more natural pronunciation in line with both the Japanese and English would be "Eŭkronio," a spelling I found once in the body of the contract our protagonist signs to join the army, and never again. Alas.

I noticed a few interesting details while translating place names - the "Trad" in "Grand Trad" (Granda Tradicio) means "tradition" - and many locations are labeled on the map that I don't think are mentioned in the demo's runtime - Oceana to the west is named, but also of note are Kalendulo ("marigold," maybe "Calendula" in English) to the east, the Hulkenmont mountains surrounding that region, and the "Malnova Insularo" (old archipelago) to the south.

(Screenshot grabbed from justonegamr on Youtube.)

Lots of fun stuff going on with these posters - the big propaganda poster says "Mi volas vin por homoj" - "I want you for humans!" The poster immediately to its right and the one with the light-haired paripus are both wanted posters with rewards of 50,000 and 7,000 respectively, and the former has a somewhat legible name - Mikelan something (?). There's also quite a bit of illegible text that I'll need to boot up the game to stare at, textures willing.

Here is where I noticed an occasional problem with the text in this game: some of these posters include words that should have diacritic marks, but instead the characters are gone entirely or replaced with a space. For instance, the poster with the face that appears twice on the bottom row reads "Ser a peto - i tiu viro" where it should say "Serĉa peto - ĉi tiu viro" (Search request - this man). I spent so long wondering what "Dan ero" meant on the poster with the red "no" sign before I realized it was meant to be "Danĝero" (Danger).

This extends to some other parts of the game, such as the world map title ("Unuiĝinta Reĝlando de Eŭcronio" written as "unui inta re lando de e cronio," which is how I knew it was a plain C oops), and the giant statue in More's study covered in archetype names, some of which are missing characters.

I suspect that at some point in the process, these characters couldn't be properly encoded and got lost before making it into the game. Most of the UI text seems to be intact, and this only affects graphic text as far as I've seen. Luckily, we can usually use context to guess at what they should be.

There's a ton more that I'm still hunting down and translating, so if you'd like to see it, you can check out my spreadsheet here! I'm hoping to keep updating it as I play through the full game, and I may make some more posts if I encounter any particularly interesting details. A few more tidbits before I go:

This appears to be an annual calendar - number 1 is at the top and it circles around to 12, and then the inner circle runs from 1-30, likely representing the weeks.

Various graffiti found around Sunshade Row that reads:

Ĉi tio estis infero (this was hell)

Malbela elda (nasty/ugly elda)

Merdo (shit)

And in the words of our favorite tooth...

Elbe venontfoje! (Maybe next time!)

[secriden]

This line. God, this line! It has been eating me up inside for 2 days now, because let's not forget, this line isn't about love, it's about trust. And that has implications that make me want to scream.

It's a direct reference to this moment earlier in the episode:

At the start of this discussion, Style and Fadel still have a kind of playful air about their conversation:

Style: Oh? Not even me? Fadel: You're at 80% at best. I feel like you're hiding something from me in the 20%.

In this exchange, though, there's a sense that Fadel is issuing a challenge, like there's something specific which Style can do to gain Fadel's full trust. And while Style knows there are things he cannot (yet) reveal to Fadel, I think a part of him is determined to be as honest as he can be, which is why he issues a challenge of his own by asking for more specificity:

Style: What do I have to do to gain your complete trust?

Part of this question is a simultaneously inquisitive and deflective - What (and why) do you think I'm hiding (something) from you? - but there's also a moment after Style finishes speaking where he stills and goes quiet that feels... genuine, weighty. Or, as @airenyah has pointed out in her meta on Style in episode 4, the "grounded[ness]" in Style's demeanour is a signal that Style means what he's saying in the moment. Maybe about his own desire to be worthy of Fadel's trust, maybe about how he genuinely does want this relationship to be real in whatever way that matters to Fadel.

I think Fadel sensed that too, because the moment looses all the lightheartedness it had before. Fadel pauses, and then gets a look on his face that just... breaks my heart. There's a sombreness there, like he knows he's going to have to say something that makes him sad. Fadel looks away, and then down, before he seems to steel himself and says:

Fadel: It'll never happen. No matter how much you love someone, I just don't believe that you can completely lay yourself bare in front of them.

Fadel says this like it's fact. Like what he's expressing is something foundational and true and irrefutable. It's not even about his doubt in Style's honesty, because this statement has no qualifiers or conditions put on it to connect it to Style. Rather this is what Fadel fundamentally believes about relationships and trust: he finds the very concept of being fully known and still accepted an impossibility.

Sure, maybe this is because of the falling out (or betrayal or disappearance) associated with the former lover; but I also think it might be because Fadel is acutely aware not only that he's hiding a rather big and dark secret (not to mince words, but: actual literal premeditated murder), but also about what it implies about Fadel. Because being able to kill another human, coldly and clinically and without remorse, takes a certain type of person. Because, yes, Fadel has lived through an absolutely harrowing and traumatising event (his parents' murder), but it's also undeniable that it changed him. Because there's something about Fadel that twisted dark and which he never quite got back. There's an anger, a hurt that colours every moment of his life; that enables him to look a man in the eyes, smile politely, and pull a trigger.

And at this point in their relationship, Fadel's understanding of Style is that he's... well, kind of innocent. Especially in comparison to Fadel and Bison, and even Kant.

Style, who easily reveals facts about his life which Fadel already knows (winning a car tuning competition), making Fadel doubt his own instincts about Style hiding secrets. Style, who also reveals the things Fadel doesn't know, like the tender and secret pain of a mother lost to cancer (which, now that I think about it, Fadel may also know) and his worries about a father who "lost his bearings for a bit" (which he probably doesn't). Style, who tries to comfort Fadel in his own loss by offering a safe space and a sympathetic ear.

Style, who doesn't just see Fadel for his tragedy, but is asking to be given the chance to accept all of Fadel as a person. Style, who not only wants but has the capacity, to be the only person Fadel needs to rely on. Style who, despite the sea of differences between them, understands Fadel on a level that is so very foundational.

I'm going to slightly segue and mention something that may not resonate with everyone, but really hit me in the gut this episode: because I lost my father when I was 16 after he battled cancer for 2 painful years. And this revelation about Style has totally shifted and coloured everything Style has done in a new light for me. Because not only does this totally explain Style's sometimes almost stubbornly childish demeanour (it's common in adults who've had to 'grow up' too early), but also why Style shows seemingly random flashes of insight and maturity when they are most crucial. Notably, Style has this almost instinctive sense of when he needs to back off a sore point with Fadel that I couldn't quite put my finger on until this episode.

I've seen a few jokes about Style's awkward subject change, but I've actually got a friend who I hold very dear to my heart who was one of the only people to give me a sense of normalcy and comfort when my dad was on his last few days and then at his funeral. And part of that was the instinctive way she would know when I needed to just. Not be a grieving daughter for a few minutes. To get a small respite from the overwhelming hopelessness and sense of impending loss. To get a moment to breathe and gather my strength, because knowing I was never going to see my dad again, or hear his voice, or hold his hand was tearing me apart back then. Sometimes she'd talk to me about college drama, sometimes she'd introduce a new kpop video to me, sometimes she'd just ask me what I wanted to eat and take me to go have a meal with her. And sometimes there really just isn't anything else to say other than "I'm sorry." Nothing you say - nothing you can say - is going to ever, ever make this grief go away, and in most cases, it was better when people (especially those who couldn't really understand) didn't try.

And I think if you look at Fadel very closely, there's a moment of genuine surprise (Fadel wasn't expecting the subject change at all) and then... something that looks like fondness mixed with exhausted relief. Because I don't think Fadel was ready to talk about his parents yet. This was honesty he wasn't ready to give Style, mostly prompted because Style himself had willingly been so vulnerable that a part of Fadel wanted to reciprocate. But further down that path lies not only his darkest memories, but also the connection to the part of his life he is not willing to share with Style yet. So this subject change is a relief, it's a blessing, but it's also Style knowing when he shouldn't push any further with Fadel's fragile heart.

Which brings me back to how well the episode's theme of trust (both deserved and undeserved) was woven in this episode. This is true on multiple levels and characters but I'm not even going to attempt to touch Kant in this post because... Lord, that is beyond me at the moment. Someone else needs to do that, pretty please, so I can reblog it and scream.

It starts, somewhat unexpectedly, with Fadel asking for entrance into the intimate spaces of Style's life.

So, this episode was not about Fadel's fear of his own feelings, desires, or even affection for Style - that appears to be fully addressed in episode 4. I think that's why we see Fadel be so physically affectionate and indulgent of Style in this episode. He's come to terms with his lust for Style's body (hence his comfort in initiating sex), he's accepted Style as his boyfriend and so can enjoy Style's playful teasing (still reluctantly, but Fadel is still an introvert even if he's mostly enjoying Style's rambunctious nature), and give into Style's (and Bison's and Kant's) cajoling with relatively little fuss.

He's even comfortable toying with the edges of revealing his darker and more sinister side by reminding Style implicitly about how violent Fadel has the potential to be. Recall that Fadel knows Style knows some of his capacity for violence; he just doesn't know how very thoroughly Style is aware of the full scale of this truth. It does help that Style evidences no actual fear and, in fact, looks positively euphoric. Like, buddy, pal, dearest one... please control yourself.

And yet something very, very telling is the way the show makes it a point to depict Fadel very deliberately getting drunk during the double date. Even before the date has started, Fadel looks to be about half a beer in and we see him constantly drinking, drinking, drinking during the whole date. From the conversation about trust he has with Style while Kant and Bison are being off key and adorable about it, to after Kant leaves and Bison gets worried. And we've seen Fadel cope with emotional and mental distress with alcohol before, so we know that Fadel is internally fighting some kind of very intense battle even as he is also very clearly enjoying moments with Style on this date (most notably when they're dancing by the bowling lanes and when Style asks him to go home with him).

So here's my take: rather than being about love, this is about Fadel fighting to hold onto his own philosophy on relationships and trust. Because as much as I do believe Fadel believes he's telling the truth when he tells Style that 100% trust is "impossible", I think it's clear that's not what he wants.

What he wants is to finish this last job so that the only thing he can't be honest about with Style will finally stop being a factor in his life. What he wants is to fully and completely reciprocate the openness Style seems to be giving Fadel. What he wants is to switch off his brain and let his heart lead for once, to stop fighting a battle he has no desire to win anymore, only he can't. Trust (not love) is Fadel's final frontier, and one which he can't quite give up in spite of himself.

Which is why I think Fadel intentionally gets himself drunk here. Because he wants to let his guard down around Style. He wants to open himself fully, he wants to "lay himself bare" for Style, he wants Style to know the full truth and accept him anyway - and he gets so close, but can't quite get there - because he doesn't know that Style already has.

When Style says this, Fadel thinks it's empty words, not knowing that Style has long passed the bar Fadel thinks is insurmountable. And just like Style was able to offer safety and reassurance to the vulnerability Fadel was showing in episode 4, Style instinctively gets to the core of Fadel's darkest fears again:

Style: One day, I'll be your 100%.

This isn't (just) a promise that Style will wear Fadel's stubbornness down, or that Style will be worthy of Fadel's 100% (which, already, has me in tears, ngl). Beyond that, this is Style promising Fadel isn't ruined for this; that it isn't too late, that whatever hurts and wounds Fadel has can be made whole again. That the kind of honest and all-encompassing and unconditional trust which Fadel says is impossible can, in fact, be his. That Fadel still has the capacity to trust and be trusted the way he so desperately, painfully longs for.

I know a lot of people have said Style in this episode is writing cheques he has no ability to honour, but I think it's more layered than that. Because in a very significant and profound way, Style is wholly deserving of Fadel's trust. Because in all the ways that Fadel has ever known he should want, Style actually IS worthy of his trust. Style knows the truth Fadel is hiding, knows what this man is capable of, knows the danger of being in his arms, knows the likely nonexistent future Fadel has to offer him -- and wants him anyway. Style is a man who would stare into Fadel’s darkness and reach out first. Strip away the complication of Kant being blackmailed and dragging Style into his mission, and Style is literally perfect for Fadel. He is exactly what Fadel wants (and possibly has wanted for a very long time). He is, in fact, exactly what Fadel needs to ever experience anything beyond the shadow of a life he's had so far.

But oh, the cruel narrative means that Style is also, simultaneously, painfully undeserving of Fadel's trust; and this is something Style is very much aware of. I think that's why he's trying so very hard to be worthy in all the other ways he can be. Style's awareness of what Fadel is hiding enables Style to (counterintuitively) be completely honest about his feelings for and about Fadel even as he cannot reveal his motivations. So he gives Fadel as much honesty as he can: offers the vulnerability of his own pain and hurts; the comfort of his true understanding and acceptance.

And just as Fadel's vulnerability in the abandoned factory was met with Style choosing a form of physical connection that prioritised Fadel's pleasure (it's made very clear that Style is jerking Fadel off and that all his focus in that moment was on Fadel, not his own pleasure), so too is this moment met with Style very intentionally choosing to worship Fadel's body with all the tenderness and genuine emotional weight that Style wanted Fadel to have in their first time in the storeroom.

Because, crucially, this was Style giving Fadel the chance to lay himself at least physically bare. This is the closest either of them can get to full honesty with the secrets they both are keeping. It's why Style tries so very hard to show the care and adoration and genuine feelings he has for Fadel. Why he makes sure that the vulnerability of Fadel getting himself as drunk and as relaxed and as trusting as Fadel can allow himself to be is tied only to gentleness and tenderness and pleasure.

Because Style actually knows that Fadel can't (and shouldn't) trust him in the way Fadel truly wishes to.

And as much as I believe that Style genuinely means this from the bottom of his heart, the horrifying full truth is that it is Style that has the metaphorical knife hovering over Fadel's chest. He is the one with the capacity to actually give Fadel a new scar that would truly matter. He is, in fact, the only one Fadel wants to fully trust -- and this, along with Style's compromised heart, makes it so that the circumstances will doom them both.

[shysuccubusstuff]

L&DS LI as fantasy historical manhwa tropes pt. 2

Content: SFW content + headcanons and small imagines; non proof-reader; Stalker! Rafayel + Manipulative! Rafayel

Summary: After being given one more chance in life, you try your best to get away from all the people that plotted against you, will you be able to reach your happy ending?

Note: I'm so glad people liked the first part!! I'm still trying to finish many of the drafts I have left undone... This time I chose to mix some of the most common ML with others, such as the case of Zayne who I see as more than one ♡ Also, I chose a surname that I specially like! Hope there's no issue with it! Nothing to do with this, but I recently bought a game: Cult of the Lamb, I highly recommend checking it out if you want a fun game!! I hope everyone is having a nice week ♡ I also found a free visual novel about Sylus, it's on itchio!

Note 2: I left a playlist I found on YouTube for Sylus, feel free to check it out! It took me so long to end this....

Zayne as the cold Duke of the north:

Duke! Zayne who is the talk of all the kingdom. After all, who wouldn't be interested on the young duke that was protecting the North all on his own? The poor man had lost his parents while he was still quite young, forcing him to seclude himself on his mansion and quickly teaching himself all he had to know in order to avoid anyone from dying because of any of the monsters that could suddenly break through the huge wall that was protecting his estate. He takes extreme care on the planning, revising every single thing, not caring about his dark circles becoming more noticeable as time went on.

Duke! Zayne who suddenly encounters you waiting in front of his front gate. He almost thought it was just his imagination, something could be wrong with his vision from all the nights he spent wide awake, but as he looked back he finally saw you completely, soon letting the guards close to him to let you inside, as the cold temperatures could easily kill someone of your size. Before you were able to talk with the knights, you had already been taken inside, the maids providing you with a warm cup of tea and a small plate with macarons, together with a change of clothes that was left on the bed. The plate had a small note attached, the elegant handwriting of the person making it slightly difficult to be read: "I am currently occupied enganged with some pressing documents, I shall speak with you once I have attended to them." You left the note on the table, simply drinking the cup of tea as you kept trying to warm yourself up with the fireplace that had been lit by the maids before leaving you there. By the time he was done, the moon was already shining on the dark sky. He got up from his desk, slowly making his way towards the room that had been given to you, after all, it was far too late for him to enter the room of an unknown woman at such hours, simply choosing for the next best option, asking a maid to check on you. After all, he did not expect any visit, much less at this time of the year when winter had recently arrived to the North. And despite he was quite aware of how rude it was to show up uninvited to someone's house, he was not such a cold man that would allow someone to freeze in front of his doorstep without doing anything about it, guess he would simply talk with you the next morning.

Duke! Zayne who finally meets you the next morning. You are suddenly woken up by the maids, all helping you get ready for having breakfast with him. Zayne is alreayd there by the time you arrive, his fingers slowly pass the different pages of the document, looking throughly into it, soon leaving them as soon as he noticed your arrival. "I regret not being able to converse with you yesterday, by the time I had concluded with my affairs it had grown late." As he spoke, the maids arrived, bringing many different plates with them, both Zayne and you were given a porcelain cup filled with tea. "Would you like to enlighten me on why did you arrive to the North in such state, Miss Lovelace?" Zayne's tone soon became much serious, almost as if the whole room temperature had went down in just a few seconds.

"I... My most sincere apologies, I am aware of how rude it is to show up without notice, but I would really appreaciate your aid... I... I need to run away from my family. I know we have never spoken to each other, but the situation truly required it. You were one of the few elegible candidates among the kingdom." You played with your hands, clearly anxious about the possible answer. The room was in complete silence for a while, almost feeling as if you were being choked by the tension, suddenly Zayne let out a deep sigh as he massaged the bridge of his nose, staying silent as he kept thinking in silence. "I... I know it sounds awful, after all, my family does not have such a high standing in society, but I swear I will--"

"Silence, that is more than enough, just give me some time to think about this, I must return to my duties. I will let you know about my final response without delay." Before letting you speak once more, Zayne got up from his seat, giving a small bow before leaving the room. Well, there went your chance to run away.

Duke! Zayne who ends up complying to your idea. He keeps internally blaming himself for letting you get him on this affair, but after hearing you on the verge of tears, together with that strange rumour that was starting to spread all over the kingdom, he couldn't simply let this opportunity go away. He was able to speak with you a week after your last conversation together, you were looking around the impressive amount of books he had in the library when he suddenly entered, rapid footsteps making his way inside until he saw you sat on one of the many chesterfields set around the library. "My sincere apologises, I did not notice your presence. " Zayne looked for a few seconds, I've been thinking about your proposal... and, well I would like to let you know that I will comply to it. After all, I am under certain circumstances myself." His eyes looked back down to the table, his gloved hands caressing the handle of the teacup in complete silence. "We may meet in my study to draft a proper marriage contract, I shall remain within it throughout day, do inform me at your convenience when you are prepared." A few hours later, you finally came to see him, soon reaching an agreement in order to get both parties to end up satisfied.

Duke! Zayne who begins spending more and more time together with you. At first he simply did the most essential events, forcing himself to act as the most perfect husband, always helping you get down the carriage with extreme care, then offering his arm to help you move around, only leaving you when the other men kept basically forcing him to leave you. These obligatory displays of affection to you soon became genuine, with him actively looking out for ways in which he could avoid separating from you, his arm always wrapped around your waist each time any other man tried to make small talk with you. This also included sending small gifts every single day, together with spending at least two meals of the day and a few hours each day with you, whether it was walking around the garden or simply reading with you by his side. He soon realises his sudden change on behaviour, almost having to force his own hand down in order to stop himself from constantly caressing your skin with his now ungloved hand each time he saw a few strands of your hair falling onto your face.

Duke! Zayne who ends up asking for your hand in marriage once more. The contract between the two was close to being finished, and as time went by, he couldn't help but feel as if he was drowning in despair, after all, you had shown no intentions of corresponding his pursue. Was he supposed to simply let such a lovely person leave his side? Of course he wouldn't. So he made several arrangements, talking with all the servants that were under you so he could try to exactly know what you imagined as the perfect proposal, even reading around the books that he had seen you with since you had arrived to his place. Finally after a couple weeks he is more than ready to do it, making sure your schedule was completely free for that day. At first it was the same as most days, the two of you walking together around the garden, with him trying his best to make your hands "casually" rub against one another, his left hand on a fist as he tried to keep his expression as neutral as possible. As soon as the both of you arrived to the gazebo, and as the servants soon arrived with a few refreshments, Zayne took your hand with extreme care, his hands feeling cold to the touch due to the anxious that kept rumbling around his chest. As the few sun rays left hit you on the face, he couldn't help but feel his heart about to burst, his face blushing as he tried to come up with the words he had spent so much time planning.

"I... We have spent a considerable amount of time on each other's company, and in truth, I would desire for our marriage contract to end. What I mean is, I desire to transform it into something genuine. I no longer wish for it to be a mere facade— I wish for it to be real." Zayne moved his hand closer to yours, keeping a bit away in case you wouldn't want that kind of intimacy. "I do not wish for you to feel pressured, of course, we can keep this arrangement for as long as you see me worth it as your pretend husband." Just as Zayne was about to move away from you, your fingers suddenly wrapping around his wrist to stop him, face flushed as you tried to clearly tell him how you felt.

As soon as he had your consent, it was a matter of a few weeks to get everything ready, with Zayne quickly arranging everything, from the families that would get invited, to the food, letting you take care of as much areas as you saw fit, such as the flowers that would adorn the bridal aisle, to the dress that you wished to get done for you. With everything settled, the ceremony took place in the middle of the flower field of jasmines that belonged to Zayne, the one he had bought for you after he found out about your favourite flower.

Finally, the story reached the end, finally allowing you to get the happy ending you had fought for.

Rafayel as the God who falls in love with a mortal:

God! Rafayel who sees you while you have a huge party on one of the many ships that belong to the royal family. He has never been interested on the two-legged beings, but how could he not find you endearing? After all, you were the only one of them that kept avoiding the rest of annoying beings, constantly moving around the large ship, finally ending up on the back of the ship, the only placed that wasn't filled with screaming people, he looked at your face lit by the moonlight and despite of the seemingly festive ambient, your face was filled with what he would call as a mixture between a deep melancholy and pure boredom. As the party was about to reach its peak, a sudden explosion shook the whole ship, suddenly filling the whole place with the mixture of screams and cries. Rafayel was about to simply look away, after all, this was not the first time he had seen two limbed creatures dying because of someone of their own race. Plus, it wasn't as if he was in charge of taking care of them. That's right! Just as he was about to turn and leave the scene to go back to his palace, he suddenly turned around, quickly flipping his tail so he could get to you as close as possible. Rafayel wrapped around your body, quickly leaving you on top of one of the pieces that were still mostly intact, he took a few seconds to look at your face, now completely relaxed due to your unconsciousness. Suddenly, you started to flinch, leaving him no more choice than to rush towards the bottom of the sea, returning back to the palace with a small piece of your clothing that had been torn after being caught on a piece of wood. He looked at it, his heart still rapidly beating as he kept trying to understand what was so different about you that would force to act as if it was on instinct.

God! Rafayel who begins to look at you through his water mirror. At first he makes millions of excuses, telling his servants that this was merely because he had saved your life, he had to at least make sure you were able to live a long life, right? So he keeps looking at the water mirror for a long time, constantly checking on you, from when did you eat to the clothes you were wearing that day, always commenting on everything that happened on your daily life as if it was some kind of show. This curiosity for you soon became something else, with Rafayel suddenly disappearing for several hours causing all his servants a headache as they kept trying to find a single trace of him, little did they know about him rushing towards the village that was close to your palace. With him disguising as one of the many servants that roamed close to your garden, becoming bolder as the time went by, now even disguising as the servants that lived within your palace, bringing you those not so appetizing pastries. His heartbeat quickening each time he was able to brush his hands against yours.

God! Rafayel who is finally able to approach you. He kept disguising himself for quite some time until he finally finds out something interesting. Turns out you were being mistreated by those nasty creatures surrounding you. Well, that was actually perfect for him, after all, that was the perfect excuse for him to suddenly appear as the prince of some far away kingdom, quickly getting your "father" to agree to marry him, he's a bit angered but it, but it was thanks to his lack of brains that he would be able to approach. He treats you with extreme care, letting you hold to his hand as you get inside the carriage that would take you to his "kingdom". He knows this isn't exactly the best way to meet, but how could he not take advantage of this golden opportunity? So as soon as you lowered your guard, he got rid of those illusions, taking you to his underwater kingdom, choosing to change your perception a bit so you would see his servants as half-human beings. He assumed that you would almost fell off the bed after seeing one of them, but he could deal with that soon enough.

God! Rafayel who is actually surprised by just how cutely naïve you are. It took him so many days for you to simply let him see half of your face, but hey, he was a devoted man, of course he had no issue waiting for some time for you to get accustomed. But as soon as you allowed him inside your room, this was merely a matter of time for him to go even further. With him now making sure to take you on parades around the surrounding area of his temple, sometimes even taking a walk around the city so you could see all the different things that you could have never seen on the land. He knows he is a bit too cheeky, but he definitely takes advantage of you not knowing their culture. Oh, you didn't know that it's custom for people to hold their hands (or fins) when they're friends? That's ok, Rafayel will teach you all about it! Oh, you also didn't know that a way to greet was with a peek on his cheek? He tells you that the way to correspond to that is with a kiss on the forehead, yet he clearly lets you know that he is the only one that is allowed to do that, apparently because it can only be done by close males that hold a high social position... Of course you believe him, he's the one that has been living his whole life there, plus why would he lie to you?

God! Rafayel who finally confesses to you after you find out he was the actual God of the kingdom. You had always assumed that you two were living on the huge temple on the city because of the kingdom being religious, with the Church holding at the same time the crown. Who would have guessed it was actually because he was the one and only God of the whole underwater kingdom? Not only that, but there was no title even remotely similar to the one held by the kings or the royal family. Lucky for you, God! Rafayael is just all you need, with him pampering you with everything you wanted, from food to clothes, his hand always holding you close to him, even when he finally chose to suddenly announce that he will finally make the bond between you two off, regardless of the concern of some of his oldest advisors and in front of his whole kingdom.

The ceremony is quickly planned by Rafayel, who constantly pops up in your personal library to ask about your own view about matters that range from the colour of the seaweed and flowers that should be used, to the exact type of hue that you wished for your dress to be. After all, he was planning on making sure that every single thing was made exactly as you wanted it to be. That included, casting away some of the advisors that kept annoying him about you being one of those "filthy" creatures, sending them to some far away kingdom that kept them from annoying him. Before you notice, the ceremony quickly arrives, with the whole kingdom appearing on the huge square of the kingdom, with both Rafayel and you makig your grand entrance, waving at the people that were there, exchanging warm words and congratulations for the ceremony, all looking at you with curiosity, as this was one of the few stances on their history in which a four limbed creature had arrived, not only had you been one of the few to ever visit them, but even getting the privilege of becoming his bride.

Rafayel soon lifted the two together, waving at all his believers who had arrived to see him, his face still inexpressive until he looked at your lovely face, locking eyes with you as soon as he turned around: "What's wrong, princess? Shark got your tongue?" Rafayel smiled at you, his hand caressing your face as he got the two of you on the ceremonial ground. He kept caressing your face for a few seconds, soon stopping and simply looking deep into your eyes. "I love you, my dear bride." As the ceremony reached its end, the jellyfish and different creatures swam arround you, the bubbles glistening under the few rays of sun that reached that place, making it seem as if you two were surrounded by millions of diamonds. Rafayel slowly approached you, his arm wrapping around your waist leaning towards a slow kiss that let you know just how much he had waited for this moment. "Don't ever leave me, dear." His eyes locked once more with yours, his eyes shining with a mixture of love and a deep sorrow before leaning towards you, ending the ceremony with a soft kiss on your lips.

Sylus as the prince from the enemy nation:

Prince! Sylus who arrives to your kingdom uninvited. He appears riding on his horse, hair soaking wet from the constant rain that had been falling for several days. At first, he doesn't seem to be a prince, after all, his clothes were extremely simple, a long black cloak covering his whole figure to avoid any type of issue. All it takes is for him to pull out his sword, the one and only sword that was embellished with a dark red jewel on the front, the jewel that had been called as "dragon's tear", the only one that existed all over the whole world. He smirked in a condescending to all the guards and nobles that had surrounded him, taking a deep breath before speaking: "Seems nobody got my letter. I came here to see my dear wife." All the people that were currently there stood completely still, quickly taking him to one of the most luxurious bedrooms, after all, he was the one and only prince from the enemy kingdom, the one that your father had tried so hard to pursue into creating an alliance between the two kingdoms through that god-forsaken marriagew. This was the same day you were able to see him for the first time, his red eyes glowing under the light of the heavy chandelier, his pale hair making him seem as if he was made of the purest silver ever seen. He looked at you for merely a few seconds, just enough to memorise the sweet curve of your lips, more than enough for him to smile cockily at you. Just who does he think he is?!

Prince! Sylus who is invited to a party for (a hopefully) happy arrangement between the two kingdoms. He arrives way after the time he was supposed to, wearing the suit he had specifically asked for, the one he had basically forced his most trusted servants to send to him. You tried to act completely unfazed, but how was he even able to guess the colours that you would use on your own dress? Now it was as if the two of you were an actual married couple, or worst, one that had actual feelings for each other.

You quickened the pace as soon as you saw him getting closer, almost forcing yourself not to run all across the ballroom just so you could somehow find an excuse. That was of course not the case, as Sylus soon got to you just as you were about to make it to the lady's salon. He got you trapped against the wall of the long corridor just as the wooden door closed behind him. "Trying to run away from your future husband? My, it seems I have already built quite a lasting impression on you, sweetie." Your face quickly flushed, not really sure if it was because of the extremely handsome man talking so close to you or from the pure rage you felt from being treated as some cute doll to play around with. Still, your father and mother had told you to keep your temper on check, you could totally be a bit snarky, but you had to try and keep it hidden as much as possible. So you chose the easiest route, smiling at him with the most clueless look, biting the inner side of your cheek so you could keep your affable expression, nails digging on the palm of your hand as you took a deep breath. "It seems the journey was by no means as harsh as I thought, after all, your sense of humour seems as good as new." You touched his arm to get him to move away, noticing the hard muscles under his clothes and how he kept his arm at the same exact place he had put it first, his expression turning into a smug one before finally moving away. "I had no idea there were wild kittens around this kingdom... I suppose I have found my one entertainment for my stay, we'll see each other around, sweetie." Sylus turns around, giving you one last look before finally leaving you alone. Well, that was just great.

Prince! Sylus who begins to spend time with you every day. He keeps spawning randomly around whenever you are, it doesn't matter that it's the middle of the night or during sunset, Sylus is always close to you, his expression always mocking you as soon as he saw your brows furrowing each time you saw him getting closer. This time, the two of you encountered during the night, the pale moonlight of the full moon shining down on the both of you. "Oh... Didn't see you there, sweetie. I almost thought some small cat had entered the palace's garden without consent." Sylus caressed your hair with extreme care, his eyes glistening a certain way... almost as if honey was falling down his eyes. "Oh just stop it, you know this is the only time of the day I'm able to rest." Sylus smiles softly, his slightly cold hand still petting your hair as he sat on the stone bench, the closeness allowing you to feel the warmth radiating from him. "Why the long face, kitten? Something didn't go as you planned? Just let me know who tried to mess your plan, I'll make sure to have a little one on one with them." You furrowed your eyebrows ready to complain once more, instead, you simply sighed, leaning on his shoulder as an attempt to keep yourself a bit warm. "It's just... I don't know, my father keeps-- insisting on hurrying our marriage... and well, I'm not--- I don't know. I don't think we're ready for it, I always dreamt of a marriage out of a fairytale, and... I must sound so childish right now." Just as you were about to move away from him, Sylus stopped yourself, his warm hand petting your hair once more, then lowering towards your face, petting your cheek with extreme care. "It's not childish, don't say that. You know I would never judge you, sweetie, you can always come to me if you need to complain." Sylus grabbed your hands with extreme care, wrapping them around yours while allowing you to pull away in case you felt uncomfortable. Seeing as you didn't refuse him, Sylus pressed your hands against his cheeks, letting you warm your hands as he nuzzled his face against them. That night you went to bed with a strange warm feeling in your chest, making it almost impossible for you to fall asleep.

Prince! Sylus who becoms completely whipped for you, setting his goal on becoming the husband you always dreamed of. By the time he sets his mind on it, the servants that were supposed to accompany him had already arrived, following Sylus to all the places he went, that is, all the places they were able to keep him on check, with Sylus often being able to get away from them each time they turned their backs. As soon as Sylus set his mind on being able to make you the happiest bride possible, his attitude changed, changing from that cocky personality into a warmer one. Not only that, but he even started to take his studies seriously, attending each and every class that he had, that included the ones that dealth with less engaging topics such as history or politics. Of course this change was noticed by his servants, who were over the moon thanks to his sudden change, how could they not be happy? Finally their job had become way easier, they had been taking care of him since he was a kid, so of course finally being able to see him as a responsible gentleman was just enough to make some of them cry from joy. Sylus simply ignored their glistening eyes, even if he felt somewhat guilty from being such a rebellious kid ever since he was young. Of course this transformation didn't just imply him becoming a more responsible ruler, but also becoming a softer man, with him spending less time out hunting or training, often stopping by your studio so he could pass the time by your side, his red eyes following each of your movements, his gaze softening as his pupils dilateted just from seeing your scrunched up nose.

After a few months, one of your maids is unable to contain herself, finally asking you the question all servants wished to know: "What did you think about the prince's new behaviour?" And you tried your best to keep your face neutral, but how could you simply deny it? You had been slightly interested on him since the start, yeah, his personality at the beginning was quite presumptuous, but come on, was anyone even possible of simply ignoring such a gorgeous man? His soft white hair, together with those crimson eyes that matched his slightly dangerous vibe? And that was only at first glance, then there was his slightly cocky attitude, always following your every move with those extremely sweet eyes, his velvety voice constantly asking for your reassurance, "do you want me to help you?"; "want me to do it for you, sweetie?"; "Let me know if you need my assistance, I will always be there for you, kitten." Gosh, you could barely contain that dumb smile each time he kept asking you, after all, you had spent all your life following the plans they had created of you, always having to keep that cold façade in front of the people in fear of being seen as someone weak. It was only natural for you to fall for that sweet and caring man and his stupidly lovely smile...

So when he finally proposed to you on one of the more hidden parts of the garden, you could barely contain yourself, your whole body shaking, knees almost giving out as your lips started to tremble. Sylus was in front of you, his left hand on is chest as he pulled out a beautiful engagement box, he opened it slowly, your eyes soon encountering a silver ring with a black stone in the middle of it. "This ring has been handcrafted by me alone. When I said that I arrived to the kingdom just to see your face... I was partially lying, I came to get this rare gemstone so I could create a ring just for you. I... actually met you a few years ago, I used to run away from my kingdom quite often, I saw you in one of the streets in the city and well, I guess I couldn't stop my feelings." Sylus looked to the ground for a second, a deep blush coming to his face as he felt your eyes fixed on him. "I will understand if you do not wish to accept my marriage proposal, but just to make sure, I am not doing this because of our position as the future heirs of our kingdoms." Before Sylus was able to get up, you rushed to him, your whole body weight pushing the two of you to the ground, not letting him answer before planting a kiss on his lips. "I was waiting for you, dummie!"

[elvisqueso]

Well, @tallwriter : firstly, I feel like that's not really a question about the true contents of my post, and I feel— as a matter of etiquette— that this could have been sent to me as an ask instead. I also feel that you are asking this question genuinely, and so I'll give you a genuine answer:

There are several controversies surrounding this movie, and a lot of people have very strong and understandable feelings about these controversies.

First and foremost, of course, is the treatment of the Native American image, and the depiction of a real people in fiction. There is much to be said about the research done and in some cases dismissed in favor of other elements in the film: the Cherokee Nation has been understandably vocal about their issues with these things.

I feel these are important issues to talk about. There is a documentary called Reel Injun released around 2010 that, I think, is a good primer on Hollywood's history with misrepresentation and stereotyping of Native Americans, and I feel there should be nuance in recognizing what is stereotype and what is characterization (particularly when depicting modern Native Americans and their modern struggles, as this is a topic I feel is more easily overlooked because it's much less understood outside of the Native American community). I feel that Pocahontas is actually fairly menial in these sins, and I feel there was an attempt to portray complex, multi-dimensional characters all around. However, my feelings in this regard should have no weight against the very valid feelings and opinions of those who feel personally affected by these depictions, and I would never chide someone for feeling offense on their own and their ancestors' behalf.

Next, there is the portrayal of an actual historical figure and actual historical events in a way that some take as inaccurate and indulgent at best, outright disrespectful and even fetishizing at worst.

I feel the truth is more nuanced, and that the particular outcry of 'historical inaccuracy!!' is fairly lazy and indicative of a lack of personal opinion in favor of alignment with what is perceived as 'the moral high-ground.' There are valid arguments to be made in the criticism of how the filmmakers chose to approach this story. The story they chose to adapt is, itself, controversial because there is wide debate on whether the incident of the young Pocahontas saving Captain John Smith's life even happened.

I, personally, hold the opinion that it probably didn't, and the evolution of the tale came from a conflagration of memory and the natural growth of a bullshitter's tale over time. The real Captain John Smith had a reputation for embellishment, and the first instance of this story cropping up came several years after the initial publication of his writings, just around the time Pocahontas (then called Rebecca Rolfe, poor thing) was set to journey to England. It's been a while since I read up on this, but I recall reading a few theories that he began telling the story to give her some clout in the court; at the very least, to give her a noble and romantic reputation the English would appreciate and treat her kindly for. It's a generous theory, and I think this may be at least partially right. I feel that if anyone has even the slightest curiosity about the truth of the matter— and of Pocahontas's life in general— that they should do as much research (with reliable sources!!!!) as they can, because the true story is fascinating and deserves attention.

That being said, the film is a story. And the story being told in the film is not the historical truth of Pocahontas, but rather an adaptation of the legend and folklore surrounding her, blended into a version of Romeo and Juliet. The film itself is historical fantasy, and, whatever the motivations of the filmmakers at the time, the story presented is divorced enough from the real persons portrayed that I feel it's very easy for the audience to take it as a self-contained story and enjoy it as such. And, like anything else in literature, whether you like or not is a matter of taste.

[ Besides, I feel that historical accuracy has never been a pre-requisite for telling a good story. Abraham Lincoln never fought vampires, but it sure was fun to watch a story where he did. A more serious example might be The Social Network, which did a lot to change the history in service to telling a compelling story and succeeded. And those people are still alive. ]

Another, more focused controversy is the apparent sexualization of the lead character. I feel like I never really clocked this one. I remember always being more enchanted by Pocahontas's face than anything else. And I have done a run with this movie specifically looking for this aspect and...I got very little? At most, there is some validity to the criticism of her proportions, but that's more an artistic criticism than anything. Maybe I've been desensitized by other media I've seen over the years that overtly sexualized its characters. I dunno. The film Pocahontas's maturity is, perhaps, uncomfortable for some people to see in the lead of a kid's movie. I always felt drawn to her, though. She seemed very strong to me, and her beauty, to me, felt as an extension of that power she held. Maybe it's uncomfortable that there is a certain kind of gravity to the feelings between the film's Pocahontas and John Smith: "I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you" is a very heavy statement for a Disney film.

Maybe this all is problematic. i'unno. I feel this is something one should decide for themselves.

Lastly, there is controversy over how Disney and the filmmakers handled taking criticism over these controversies. This is also important to discuss, I feel, because we should take the experiences of those who come before us as lessons to learn and grow from.

This is more difficult, because I understand how protective one can be over something they worked very, very hard on and feel very proud of as a piece of work. The creators of the film, from what I can tell, have a lot of genuine love for the project and have a lot of pride in what they were able to accomplish. This was a very difficult film to make on a technical scale, and they were doing things with it they hadn't tackled before at Disney. And I feel they're right to be proud, because the film is beautifully done. At the same time, they've been a bit prickly over criticism and how they handled the other controversial themes in the film. I feel the creators should have handled this with much more grace and humility. But they're somewhat forgivable because of their emotional attachment to the film. Disney the corporation tended to handle things rather coldly, and that just leads to resentment and hurt on the part of both the people who worked on the film and the people who felt their concerns were being dismissed and invalidated.

I also feel that this has little bearing on my ability to enjoy a film that was a favorite of mine as a child, and is still a favorite. I feel that this film is just a film and, while I greatly enjoy it, I am aware it's no monolith of literature. I also feel that anything that makes me happy is something I should indulge in, and I feel that I have been having a very good time overanalyzing this movie, lol

[ I also feel that of all the problematic things I greatly enjoy, Pocahontas falls very, very low on that particular scale. ]

Pocahontas (1995): 3 times Pocahontas is compared to her mother + 1 time she's recognized on her own merits.

rambling lil meta under the cut

see, what's crazy about this whole situation is that it makes me wonder what exactly pocahontas's mom was like to have left such a massive impression on literally everyone in their community? there's that outright statement that "yeah, your mom's spirit is in the wind, basically, and our people venerate her as a spiritual guide (at the very least)." we know that she's the main connection between pocahontas and grandmother willow, and there's an implication in there that whatever leadership role she held in the village is expected to fall on pocahontas's shoulders someday.

i am so convinced that this role is some kind of spiritual leader/shaman position. wise-woman, priestess, whatever it's called. we don't see anyone else besides kekata performing any kind of spiritual rites, and even he isn't seen acting in direct contact with spiritual entities. kekata has to perform chants, provide offerings, and use a medium. pocahontas can just fuckign. talk to the things. how is she doing that? why isn't anyone else really able to do that? john smith could talk with grandmother willow but would he be able to if pocahontas wasn't there (i actually think he could but that's a different post)? has she ever done that for literally anybody else? nakoma never mentions grandmother willow. nobody mentions grandmother willow. apparently, the only two people who knew about her before pocahontas brought her new bf over was pocahontas and her mom.

i'm losing track of myself here, but the point is pocahontas is Highly aware of the ghost she's expected to live up to. and it sucks. and there's a lot more to her character arc about this but the eventual come-around to accepting that she has a responsibility to be more than herself and more than her mother's ghost is so heartbreaking because it also meant she had to let go of her soulmate at the same time so i c ry

[bokettochild]

Just saw the update!

So, first thoughts!

Gremlin Legend and Sky is something I am LIVING for. Sky's little look of approval as he stands between Wars and Legend after that little move is sending me!

(Wild is not impressed)

I also really love that JoJo played with Warriors' cape/scarf being capable of doing that, which is a major risk btw, but I love that we see it's potential now!

Like, Legend's timing is perfect (and I love that this confirms the Legend v. Wars dynamic we all love) especially considering Hyrule was literally talking about the same thing and you'd THINK Captain-War-Hero over here would be more cautious because of it (although the fact this implies Legend doesn't trigger Warriors danger sense is GREAT for the fluff fic writers like me!)

Time and Wars looking like disappointed parents though is brilliant

(Warriors with messy hair is so funny to me, help)

The continued portrayal of Time being too harsh with the boys, all tense after what happened to Twilight, that's great. i'm glad the consequences of past events are following them, it really makes this all feel linear!

I also am ALL HERE for the boys finding their differences! Warriors and Wild both admitting to being new to dungeon crawling and the monsters involved is a great thing we've all been playing with in fics, but making it cannon feels like validation :)

Also, Warriors being defensive of that, and maybe a bit prickly about their judgement, I think it shows a lot of him. he's got his pride,a although he's learned to tame it. He's feeling a bit miffed to realize how different he is, but doesn't want them seeing him as lesser as well (although they never would). I can also hear him using a clipped military sort of tone when speaking here. It's just the way his words are selected and strung together that makes it seem he's being very to the point, direct, and cold in his tone, which really sells the whole difference between a soldier and the "average nobody" that the rest of them were (ironic, since he's trying to act like the difference isn't a big deal but only further accentuates it this way).

Twilight being pleased that Epona is fine and just enjoying a meal made me grin so big though. He's all worried for his girl but she is, quite literally, happy as a horse over there LOL

Also, this bit:

recognition for Sky's right-handedness, my beloved! (JoJo is giving us all the easter eggs!)

The fact that the passage is too small to let them all fight though is a brilliant way of preventing some of our heavy hitters and more skilled heroes from being able to do anything though!

I like how that gives us the chance to see Time one-shot the foe and also gives him the impression that the rest are maybe not skilled enough to do this alone. WE all know they are, but they're a handicap to each other right now, and it's only further cementing in his mind that they're not ready for all this, which will make his overbearing speech and the judgement he casts on them in combat all the more an issue.

I mean, we all know the hero's shade was like that, but JoJo has shown Time acting this way from the start

(Deep Shadows P.2)

(Likelike)

So I guess we're in for more of that now, and most likely someone (probably Legend, as it's usually him, or Wind, who is very aware of judgement from teh rest) is definitely going to have to call him on it soon, maybe in the dungeon. Will that lead to some bonding with Time where he has to admit he cares and worries about them as though they're his own? I hope so!

Anyways, all this to say, we really are seeing how much they struggle to work together, so hopefully this dungoen will teach them all how to do that better, as Time mentioned earlier

(Dawn p.8)

Now, to finish it off!I would like to thank JoJo for giving us so many beautiful shots of Twi this time around. I'll admit it now, he's pretty darn fine <3

That said, I'm loving the Legend content too! i hope we get to see some more starring moments from him going forwards, what with him being the dungeon veteran and all! It's great seeing his childish/playful side these last few updates, but I'm really craving some veteran Legend right now >:)

[copperbadge]

This is not to sniff at packaged food in any way, because cheap, uniform, nutritious, premade food is important and necessary. And despite what your local tiktok orthorexic may tell you, packaged food is still capable of providing solid nutrition.

That said, I've been making my own bread for about twenty years, and for the last ten or so it has often been easier to make bread than buy it, solely because I don't need to leave the house to do so, and I live alone so a decent loaf can last me a good ten days. Being able to make ones own bread in this modern era is a product of privilege -- the resources to buy the ingredients (especially high quality flour, not cheap), the time and space to bake, the stamina to knead or equipment to make kneading easier -- my breads improved a lot when I got a good stand mixer, and those aren't cheap. But also, to make a decent edible boule you can get by with flour, water, yeast, salt, and time. Throw in a little oil and you can make pizza crust; add in kneading and a bit of sugar and you have bagels.

It did somewhat change how I eat, because homemade bread is often a little difficult to make a sandwich with, but I was never a huge fan of sandos anyway. These days I often don't even make loaves -- I make rolls or bagels, or flatbreads.

But all of this is to say that because I'm now accustomed to eating my own bread, which is necessarily small-batch and produced without stabilizers that make commercial bread so soft and uniform, I am starting to struggle when I do buy bread because the flavor and texture often feel off. It's not that it's objectively bad food, but it's very different from what I'm used to, which is unpleasant. I've been aware of the issue for a while but previously even if the bread wasn't as good to me as my own, it was edible and convenient, so it was fine. Making your own hot dog buns is a pain in the ass.

I just bought a loaf of Italian bread, reasonably fresh, a brand I used to eat regularly, because I wasn't feeling up to baking anything. I've been making toast with it mostly. But yesterday morning -- admittedly while dealing with some nausea -- I bit into a sandwich I'd made with it (cashew butter and strawberry jam) and thought, "this feels like eating upholstery fabric."

I haven't been able to eat any more of it since. The soft, dense texture, the specific preservative flavor, the mouthfeel. I tried to eat some toast just now and had to spit it out because it felt like buttered brocade and I started to gag. I'm kind of mad about it, honestly.

The bread won't go to waste -- if I can't eat the rest of the bag I'll dry it out and crush it for breadcrumbs for fried chicken or a panade -- but it's both sad and funny that I have functionally baked myself into a corner where packaged bread is no longer even an option.

It feels like I'm becoming one of the middle-aged eccentrics I used to know when I was a kid -- older people or couples in my church, sometimes parents of my school friends, who were just kind of oddballs, hippie leftovers, what I still think of as Berkeley Weirdos (affectionate) even though Berkeley has long since gentrified. The lady who didn't have a functional oven or stove because she ate raw vegan or the family that converted their old station wagon to biofuel but kept the rear-facing back seats with no seatbelts and would give us death-defying rides to the community pool in them. I'm already growing my own basil because I eat an unlikely amount of pesto for one person. My signature potluck dishes are kiwi dip or egg-free meringues.

I don't mind, exactly. I loved the Berkeley Weirdos and the community they built for us kids. But it's definitely not a place I imagined ending up.

[umbrellajam]

I feel like whether Tim is on some level suicidal in RR #12 is very open to interpretation, which is part of what makes it fascinating!

because Tim's homecoming to Gotham is the culmination of an upward/self-actualization arc, after struggling through multiple low points/depression/an extended breakdown.

he finally got proof Bruce is alive. managed to claw Tam and himself out of the Cradle and away from the Council of Spiders/LoA by the skin of their teeth. thumbed his nose at Ra's and reaffirmed his own principles by blowing up all the LoA servers. finally kind of processed that Kon and Bart are both alive again - he just tackle-hugged Kon in RR #9 and told him, "when you found me in Paris, I was in a bad place. Now... Now I'm in a good place." he's full of renewed purpose and the realization that he doesn't, in fact, have to do things alone! (team-up Robin ftw!)

so probably not actively suicidal

but then in all of his frantic calculations to thwart Ra's and save each and every person Bruce loved - he doesn't factor himself in. he doesn't put himself on that list of loved ones and set up a contingency for preserving his own life (wtf Tim).

or does he??? that's where the ambiguity comes in for me, because we don't actually see him discussing the full details of his plan with anyone. and he doesn't mention it in his internal narration, either! because his internal narration is always super reliable..... hmmm.....

we know that Dick isn't aware of any other contingencies, or indeed the full details of the plot they were thwarting - after catching Tim, Dick has to ask him, "You want to tell me what that was all about?" and of course "How did you know I'd be there to save you?"

and as I've mentioned before, I don't think Tim had actually planned for Dick to save him, so his "You're my brother, Dick. You'll always be there for me," response is uh, both loving BS and a "genuinely felt expression of retrospective faith", as Silver put it (and which has been stuck in my mind in glowing cursive letters ever since, lol).

but. we do know that as part of his plan to thwart Ra's ninja-assassinate-Bruce's-loved-ones plot, Tim calls all three of his best friends into Gotham. (among all his other rallied allies.) his best friends who are various combinations of flight and/or superspeed capable. and who had each just smugly patched in via comm to confirm that their protection jobs were all successful, meaning Tim knew they were available if he potentially needed them.

the fact that the rest of the Core Four then twiddle their thumbs and let Tim keep fighting Ra's on his own after confirming Alfred/Selina/Barbara are safe, instead of zipping over to have his back (ie punch the jackass through a wall) almost has to be because of: (a) Tim's plan to deliberately stall so Lucius could file the WE paperwork (on the Watsonian level), (b) Yost allowing Tim to have his Final Showdown with the villain of the arc on his own, and also (c) Yost setting up the emotional climax/reconciliation of Dick catching Tim (both on the Doylist level).

like, Tim stalls Ra's for long enough that Dick is able to glide and grapple his way over from his own ninja-busting detail, we don't think the speedster or the Superboy could have gotten there in time?

Dick is the one who caught Tim because it was thematic, it's a motif in their relationship and the resolution of their 12-issue arc, and don't get me wrong I wouldn't change that moment for anything - but! he wasn't the only one around who could have done so.

and Iiiiii have to suspect Tim would know that? there's ambiguity and room for interpretation, of course, especially since Tim doesn't say anything at all or call out to anyone as he's actually falling.

but also. Kryptonian superhearing? Tim's comm which could very well still be connected? could he have been relying on allies listening/clue-ing in, whether or not he actually explicitly sketched out a back-up plan with anyone to come back him up, after Lucius was done transferring WE? all according to (dumbass improvised) keikaku??

idk! seems plausible to me, but it's all so open to interpretation, it makes my brain go BRRRRRR 😊 like you can make a compelling case/headcanon/fic any way you look at it!

anyway. Dick catching Tim is very much The Moment Ever Of All Time <3 but also the thought of Kon just hovering at the ready to grab Rob but spotting Dick!Bats swooping in and being like ":))) oh ok. they both need this." is v. hilarious to me

[liedownquisition]

Just to be clear let's make a little reminder:

Jason Todd had never claimed that he was Pit Mad, nor attempted to explain, excuse, or blame any of his actions in it. He would, in fact, be rather offended by the notion that he wasn't fully in control and making his own decisions* *If you choose to do fanon pit madness in your own fics/ect, this post isn't about you. This is about the prospect of him lying and claiming it's an excuse when "other people didn't have that issue".

Batman Annual #25

This is Jason, not displaying any signs of the typical direct-from-emerging Pit Madness symptoms.

Lost Days #3 - Jason openly admitting to killing a guy, and general thoughts therein. A lot more nuanced than Pit Madness would generally leave you the facilities to think about.

Batman (1940) #641 - I wasn't 100% on if this actually fits the vibe but idk. Him forcing Bruce to say it feels like he's making a strong claim.

Batman (1940) #650 - Also may not fully fit the vibe but I promise you it makes sense if you were in my head. it's about taking ownership for your actions but not letting them consume you.

Even in runs like RHATO when he repeatedly says things like "I never said I was proud of it" and looking back on his past actions with disgust and remorse while... continuing to kill people sometimes, he still never acted nor spoke as though the Pit affected him enough to influence his actions. And, at the very least, he never said it to anyone else.

And if he did, those panels would be everywhere, especially given how popular the concept is! The fans of it would have proof!

I also don't think Pit Madness is a thing in n52??? It MIGHT not be a thing in Prime earth at all? (<- unsure, there are arcs I haven't read that I need to confirm this with. It is difficult to prove a lack.)

People who have speculated Jason was Pit Mad:

Ra's al Ghul

Talia

Maybe that guy she was sleeping with in Lost Days?

Lost Days #2

People who I would not be surprised if they tried to claim Jason was driven insane by the Pit given some comments I've found in other comics (not directed at Jason specifically):

Bruce

Potentially Barbara

Batman #619 - I am not digging up/posting the speculation about Joker before they put him in the Pit in Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #144. I'm not reading nor looking at that comic again any time soon if I don't have to.

Birds of Prey (1999) #34 - Barbara was there when Dinah was submerged, and all info wrt Pit Madness is from what SHE has already, but she admits to not being sure because Ra's guards the info about the Pits as jealously as he is able to. Which leads to...

Birds of Prey (1999) #35 - ...her suspecting it could have extended effects. Arguably Dinah is able to disprove this, however the phrase "depends on the person" is a pretty operable notion here.

Fans ascribing Pit Madness to Jason's actions are not Jason, the character, using Pit Madness as an excuse.

Barbara was there for Dinah's submerging, but her info on the Pits is wishy-washy. Dinah's info about the Pits is mostly whatever info Barbara has and the lived experience of it happening Once (also she's a meta and it noticeably is a different kind of madness for her compared to other instances that I have documented before, which may be theorized to be influenced by the fact that she IS one, & Jason is not). It is likely the same info that Bruce has about them, though he'd have more first-hand experience and that could shape his opinions thusly.

Anyways, if fanon Pit Madness was a thing, fun time reminder that per canon, it is apparently treatable via anti-psychotics! And the Bats are, uh, Aware of this lol.

Robin (1993) #91 - Listen I just think this is really funny.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Hi Elanor, I have a question. I'm chronically sick, I have fibromyalgia, but I really want to go to uni. Is there any point? Can people like me make it as students? I don't know anyone else who's disabled like me, certainly not studying at university level. Do you have any advice from your end of things? Thank you!

Well, first off: chronic illness sucks, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it.

As to your question - I actually know several people with fibro who made it through uni, and in particular I actually have two students studying with me currently who have it. Everyone is different, of course, and there are no one-size-fits-all scenarios; but, it's certainly possible for people with fibromyalgia to successfully complete university studies! Fear not.

The trick, of course, is finding how to do so without exacerbating your condition to such an extent that you leave yourself with mental or physical issues long-term. I'm happy to say I know a lot of people who did manage that, too, but I'd be lying if I said there are no examples of those who weren't able to achieve it. You have to be careful when juggling conditions like fibro, because they're finicky bastards and also poorly understood from a medical perspective, so you can accidentally trigger them.

There's no easy answer here - as I say, everyone is different, and a thousand variables can be at play. But, my general advice:

Stress can be a nightmare for exacerbating fibro, and uni can certainly be stressful! You therefore need to be conscious of how much is too much for you, and what options are available to help you manage it. For example: 1. Is the workload too high? If so, can you go part time? 2. Are you struggling to manage deadlines? Talk to student support - they can help with this

Be aware of the signs of your own limits, so you know when/how you need to take it easy. You're the only person who can truly gauge this, because it's unique to you. Additionally, work out what your triggers are! (If possible)

From day 1 - from before day 1, in fact, from the moment you get an offer - get in contact with student support. Let them know you have a chronic disability, with unreliable good and bad days. Be upfront with your limitations. Find out what they can do for you. Believe me, universities are waaaayyy more lenient if they know about your issues and you have been engaging with them.

But, of course, the response will vary from uni to uni (and even sometimes between departments). This is where your research comes in. Before applying, do what you can to find out how good the uni is for disabled students, and for student support/welfare. In the UK, this means looking up the NSS results - the National Student Survey. This ranks unis in different categories. Generally, you see a negative correlation with academic performance - a fancy Russell Group uni like Oxford is likely to score lower on student welfare, while the Metropolitans generally score much higher; but this is a rule of thumb. In any case, try to only apply to the ones that get the good welfare scores.

Keep an eye on the comments of this post, I'm sure others will want to chime in with their experiences. But please, don't be discouraged. If you want to do university, your fibromyalgia needn't automatically prevent you.

[mrsdarkandyandere7]

yandere with breeding kinks or ones who intent to baby trap scare me the most omfg. i’m at a high risk of complications during pregnancy or giving birth cause of physiological problems. there’s a very big chance i could die, which in itself is bad but it also means i have a massive phobia of pregnancy. i guess i could make it like a competition to see if i die from physical issues or from anxiety ones. genuinely my biggest nightmare. honestly don’t know how they would react. like how do you think a yandere who really wants you to have their child feel about it?

First of, I wish the best for you and fingers crossed that you never get pregnant (stay safe! and alive)

I'm gonna give you this really scary scenario cause I wanna discuss very delulu yandere with extremely unhealthy breeding kink tendencies:

(TW: Implied Death; Forced Pregnancy + very Misogynistic yandere)

Thinking of a yandere that will absolutely downplay your health issues.

He thinks you're overreacting. Being dramatic is something you've always been, the way you'd scream bloody murder just because he's keeping you locked at his place. You have a tendency to exaggerate and that's very likely to be the case here.

Or maybe you're lying just to get away from getting pregnant. Which he also believes it's the case. He's not an idiot, he's well aware that you don't like him. The only times he's able to touch you is by force.

But you'll give birth to his child.

And that's final.

It's a woman's natural function to be bred and the same applies to you. It's your duty as his "partner" to give him kids. His own biological kids, a perfect mix between the two of you.

And you're gonna give him that, whether you want it or not.

Now, when the pregnancy complications start.... well, that's when he realizes that he might have fucked up everything. If he could rewind everything back in time, he would.

Except now, there's nothing left to save.

It's just him and the newborn - one that has your eyes and will forever remind him of what he lost because of his own doings.

[afurtivecake]

You know what my actual favourite Andrew Minyard line in the whole series is? It's not his sentimental lines like, "...from now until May you are still Neil Josten...". It's not even the best love confession in all of literature line, "Doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you." It's when he says "I'm not as smart as I thought I was."

That one line tells you so much about Andrew's character. That's the line that spells out for the reader that Andrew is smarter than he chooses to let on. That's the line that shows you just highly Andrew thinks of his own intelligence and how much he's been relying on it to survive and to keep his promises.

Consider that up until that point Andrew has presented himself with nothing less than the domineering kind of toughness you'd expect to see in a prison scene in a movie. He openly talks about breaking Neil, threatens multiple people with knives and makes everyone work around him. His "tough guy around town" persona and his ability to inflict violence is clearly something he prizes. AND YET. The first time he admits to any kind of dissatisfaction with himself, it's about his intelligence.

That is the point where the reader realizes that Andrew, in his own mind, is an intellectual. He doesn't actually pride himself on being the toughest guy in the room. He's aware that he's all of 5-feet-nothing and he knows at any given moment there's likely to be someone bigger and stronger than he is. What he's counting on in any given situation is being the smartest guy in the room. Fix any issues before they worsen, anticipate and eliminate any threats before they surface, think his way out of any problem that comes up. His intelligence is what he relies on to keep his promises.

That's the moment Andrew realizes that he's been letting his feelings get the better of his logic. He clocks Neil as dangerous from day one. But he's been telling himself that he's letting Neil stay for Kevin's sake or at least just until he can definitively prove Neil is dangerous. But the real reason he let Neil stay and get away with all his sketchy behaviour is because he let the fact that he likes Neil as a person, overcome his logic.

It makes you think, OH, THAT'S WHY Andrew was so interested in Neil in the first place. For someone who prides himself on his intelligence and KNOWS that no one else can match his smarts, Neil figuring out his twin switcheroo trick is the same as Neil throwing down the gauntlet and challenging him to a battle of wits. Andrew keeps trying to trip Neil up and Neil keeps batting his attempts aside and Andrew ends up helplessly charmed by Neil. Because Andrew LIKES that Neil is able to outsmart him sometimes, that Neil is his intellectual equal. And somewhere along the way, he's let himself forget that he "knows better" than to get emotionally attached, than to let someone else best him at his best quality- than to act like every other idiot in love that he's ever met.

You then realize that Andrew hasn't once thought of himself as brawny jock. That off-putting delinquent/school-shooter vibe and "psycho" reputation is a carefully calculated form of self-defense. It's self-defense in the literal sense of scaring off people who might want to fuck with him, but perhaps also in the sense of protecting himself from being seen. It makes sense, right? If people were to actually try to get to know him with an open mind, they'd soon discover that he IS difficult to get along with in ways they thought they could handle, but can't. Better to act the volatile asshole than suffer the disappointment of people changing how they treat him. And in the unlikely case that people find out that he isn't as tough as he presents himself, they might pity him. And that would be even worse. Much better to be as un-fuck-with-able as possible.

First time reading the book, I was taken in by Andrew's jock-ish façade. But the moment he admitted maybe he ought to be disappointed in himself for not being as smart as he thought he was, I had to set the book down and rethink every assumption I had made about Andrew as a character. The timing of that revelation is so perfect, because it happens just before the Thanksgiving mess. And so as the reader, you're suddenly coming to terms with the fact that Andrew is so much more vulnerable than he's ever portrayed himself to be at the same time that Andrew is being hit with probably one of the worst moments in his life. Like, that absolutely TOOK ME OUT. Which is why, that's one of the best lines in the whole series to me.