#But God being around others is tiring
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Good day tomorrow: alone all day!
#I'm grateful for the people I have around me#I've been making myself do more stuff with people for the past few weeks#And I've been having fun and I've been feeling better because of it#And I'm grateful for the new experiences and memories#But God being around others is tiring#I'm happy to be completely alone for a full day#It's been..... two weeks since I've had a day with zero human interaction#Incredibly rare for me#But also something I'm happy about#Personal
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Okay so maybe the wrinkly split head devil isn't the Aging devil itself, since it being called aging definitelly feels like a mistranslation and and public safety wanting to erase old age by sacrificing the younger generation fits the point the chapter is trying to get across much nicer than if the devil was aging itself (+ if you think about it for 2 seconds erasing aging as a whole is a terrible fucking idea since no one will be able to grow anything anymore and people will be stuck as babies and kids forever whereas erasing old age should just make people not age past adulthood and probably cause people who are already elderly to just dissapear on the spot)
But that doesn't mean i'm keeping Cherryboy the exact same because if old age specifically is enough to achieve primal fear level then aging as a whole has gotta be one too. So hooray! someone's getting a slight revamp in the future :)
#i'm not changing his storyline in part one nor his design but his overall backstory will change slightly#but in his main design he is now the Aging fiend instead of straight up devil. i'll definitelly cook up a full devil design for him later#and you know him being a primal fear is fun because i had this idea that even after dying Cherry retains a sliver of his memories#from past iterations. if he is that strong of a devil then he can probably do that#and i can use this as an excuse to why i never made designs for him in hell :) i've got some fun ideas brewing#basic idea so far is that Cherry has a fascination with watching life (basically aging and its effects on living beings) even tho he has#hardly any attachment to life itself. dying is just a part of it same as growing old and such he doesn't feel anything when it happens#to other people and also himself#but being an enormously powerful devil in hell he can only watch this dance of life and death from afar as an outside observer#so after god knows how long he grows tired of sitting there in hell and kills himself to be reborn on earth#and immediatelly goes out of his way to become a fiend. severely weakening his strenght but bringing him closer to the lesser beings#by doing so. and now he can observe life from upclose and interact with the other creatures roaming around. which is something he finds#immense enjoyment in#think like a god that roleplays as a human every once in a while just because they're bored. and when they die they go back to godhood#so thats why all of Cherry's versions on earth are these dudes w animal skulls. little fiends#he can be strong and all-powerful when this life is over. and in hell he will look back at it quite fondly#csm#csm oc#chainsaw man#csm spoilers#csm part 2#Cherry#hyena ramblings
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the moment people stop being comically against courtney is the day i stop making fun of them for being weird and wrong. stop being weird about a fictional character in ways that are hilariously stupid and ill stop calling you hilariously stupid
#people see my posts and vauge post about it saying UM WELL I DONT HATE COURTNEY SO WHY DID YOU SAY THAT#im not fucking talking about you oh my gOD IM SO TIRED OF SEEING IT. sorry i try to be normal but why have discussions around her regressed#like its gotten so much worse WHYYY OH MY GODDD. “omfg courtney fans always jump to courtney haters being misogynists”#no i jump to you being a fucking weirdo for caring so much which makes me raise my eyebrows#i literally enjoy other people having different opinions about characters i like and dislike bc everyone echoing me would be so boring#but people never like her for the valid reasons there are to dislike her and jump on her in crazy fucking ways. BEEE NORMALLL BE FUCKING N#ps talks#jesus fuck i try not to say shit like this over and over and over again because; again; i dont like seeing my own opinions everywhere#i dont want people to see my opinions and repeat it every 5 seconds even though i dont think i have that much influence#its just when i see people posting about my posts saying that im weird for defending a character so hard it drives me nuts bc#it feels like people lost the damn plot so hard. you have to reach so far to think i fucking care if people dislike courtney BECAUSE I DONT#IVE SAOID THIS 5 BILLION TIMES I ENJOY SEEING CHARACTERS IN DIFFERENT LIGHT. AS LONG AS YOUR OPINION ISNT FUCKING WEIRD#sorry im getting so annoyed i need to go to sleep i havent eaten anything in like 20 hours
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SPOILERS THE SILT VERSES 36
This is a little bit of a live blog
HEART BROKEN HOLY FUCK
RELATIONSHIP ENDED WITH THE JOY OF HAYWARD AND CARPENTER FUCKING AROUND, RELATIONSHIP STARTED WITH THE TRAGEDY OF SEB AND DEV MY LOVES MY DARLINGS MY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MEAN MEAN MEAN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE SO MEAN CANT THEY JUST BE HAPPY CANT THEY AKNDKDNFKEBDUEHFBKDLXNDHDJDBEJDBDJDNEBEBDNNDKDNDJDBDNDNDKKDKDKFKRKRBRJSJBDHDIEBJ DE IEKRJJDHJEE DE
Anyways, happiness is fleeting but “hold on Dev, I’m coming” for a man you’ve known for days who’ve you loved almost upon first sight.
HOLY HOLY HOLY HOLY SHIT HES ALIVE SEB IS SO POWERFUL SEB SEB SEB SEB SEB YOU FUCKING DID IT OH MY GOD MY LOVE DEV DEV DEV DEV DEV YOU MET A MAN AND HE FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU AND HE WENT INTO HELL FOR YOU AND SAVED YOUR SISTER AND AND AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE BETTER FOR BOTH OF US
Oh bitch. Oh you fucking bitch. I’m. I. Yeah. It truly was too good to be real.
#tsv 36#tsv spoilers#the silt verses#i’m going to kill someone#they were so good#two people taking shelter in the other#and in the end they both die.#perhaps this is simply a foreshadowing moment#you go off looking for a sibling. you find someone who you can take comfort in. who understands you.#but neither of you are safe. and the comfort you take in one another turns false. and you both are cursed after.#I would like to also see this episode as a way to view how the general public is feeling#they’re tired of gods. they’re tired of being prey. but if they don’t comply they are drafted and die. if they do die they’re dead anyway#it’s just the truth of this world.#you are prey. you will always be prey.#your death is only significant to you#and the ship that passed by in the night. that sunk trying to help.#carpenter admitted she was wrong this episode and it felt significant#ALSO ALSO ALSO#Dev was way more impactful on Seb then the other way around#Seb yearned for him. for company. to not be lonely.#Dev yearned for family. his most perfect world has him and his sister and his parents#there was no room for Seb#god#they died together. seb died to save dev. and yet
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He’s my little meow meow, my darling, my bbygirl (Patreon)
#Doodles#Commander Peepers#I'm soooooo normal about him you guys <3 So normal! <3 <3#*Looking back over the other Little Guys I've collected* Hmmmmmmm Evil Xisuma and Spamton and Sableye and Rick Diggins#I think there might be a theme here#Just casually making Venn Diagrams in my head - Evil X has the red/black - Spamton is trans - Sableye has Gremlin energy - Rick is too tired#And those are just the ones I can think of lol - if you look I did the same stretchy pose with EX when I was still drawing him lol#The Stretch Pose is how you can tell if I like a character lol - they stretchin'? I am infatuated <3#I mean I'm normal I'm totally normal lol#Also had to give him a bbygrl pose - I for the life of me cannot find it again but the reference is very strong in my mind's eye!#Not that I couldn't go for another one at some point lol ♪#Ugh the middle one lol - so that Word of God I mentioned in passing about female Watchdogs#I read it in passing as just a basic research of ''Oh here's what The Original Creator has to say alright neat''#Except that it Immediately made me itchy and I was like ''What. What brain this is not that big of a deal what are you doing''#And I was like ''No I'm being silly about this - just because I don't agree doesn't mean it's a big deal lol''#Except then I had stress dreams and woke up Weird the next day and the last time that happened I left a fandom#And the time before that I wrote 4 consecutive pages of 20-something panels in like 18 hours of consciousness - I have normal reactions lol#But I opted instead to vent to smol about it and she agreed with me so basically I'm just saying I'm correct lol /s#Personally Peepers doesn't strike me as misogynistic - he's very much an Equal Opportunity villain in my eyes!#And yeah I considered a lot of different angles around it but like - based on the text of WOY I just don't buy it#If it's not in the show it doesn't count! For all we know there might not even be any female Watchdogs! Lol#Would also lead to the equally-to-Spamton interesting question of How Does Trans Work in that kind of situation#I've definitely not already put a lot of thought into it don't look at me lol#Don't ask me to write an essay about both of those things I'll do it and where will that leave us lol#ANYway lol ♪ He's still the absolute funnest to draw in distress and discomfort <3 And kneeling! He makes me want to practice :D#I always feel like I can try again and do better! >:3c
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"I hate smokers!!!" alright in what way. do you hate the smoke or..? oh you hate them as people. alright explain to me why you hate someone as a person who most likely has an addiction they likely cannot control. also is this hatred towards them also directed towards other people who have addictions with drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc? do you view them as people or do you dehumanize them. answer quickly
#seriously im so tired of people being like “we should understand addicts and support them!!!” and then pull a 180 and berate smokers#like just because smoking cigarettes are fairly common does NOT mean that it cant form into an addiction.#also don't pull up w the “i know smokers who smoke around other people inside!!!” i also know smokers that smoke outside no matter what#and i know smokers that stop smoking inside once you tell them to stop.#an addiction is an addiction and we shouldnt treat people terribly because of that addiction and we should instead help them#like god#and i get theres smokers that still smoke inside no matter what and act like dicks but theres still an addiction there buddy. yeah theyre#a bitch and you can justifiably talk shit right back at them bc talk shit get hit but dont invalidate their struggle#and also to group every smoker into a stereotype that theyre snotty dicks is dehumanizing as well#this post will probably flop considering how ppl on tumblr treat them
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spell of explode all transphobes Activate
#god i'm tired fkfhdj#i just want some kind of like#Worldwide Rule where you're not allowed to talk about shit you know nothing about#like. oh you have an opinion on trans people ? how much do you know about the effects of hrt ?#can you cite an accurate statistic about the rate of detransition ? have you researched what puberty blockers are ?#have you met and talked to a transgender person before ? a psychologist who has worked with trans patients ?#can you give a broad definition of the word ''non-binary'' ? do you know what a pronoun is ? have you heard of stonewall ?#can you name even one trans man ?#fail any of those and Sorry you gotta shut up now you're not qualified for this conversation#apply to any topic. racism. the climate. palestine. fatphobia. etc#too many damn people are comfortable parading around their Terribly Uninformed takes for other dipshits to parrot and spread#like i'm sorry but if you can't even tell me what tucking is why should i listen ? why should anyone#like this isn't even in-depth understanding i'm demanding it's literally the fucking basics#at they very least. if you don't know shit. then fucking say so.#''i think __ but i'm not an expert and i could be wrong'' something like that#rather than ''I THINK __ FOR NO GOOD REASON JUST GUT FEELING AND I'LL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND''#just being louder than the people correcting your blatant misinformation doesn't fucking cut it. it shouldn't.
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its been cool trying to come up with personal skills. Songbird (creative outlets like art and song) is currently being smothered with a pillow by Nightingale (rest, sleepiness, chronic fatigue)
#chemi chats#most of my skills have multiple names. Songbird is named after my choir days but she's also known as ''Bardling'' and ''Inkwell'' :]#Nightingale is also ''Chamomile'' when he's being sweet/''Nightshade'' when he's fucking Evil Fatigue Mode/''Lethargy'' in general#they are often. fighting with each other. because Songbird wants to art but whoops Nightshade is MAKING THE BODY SLEEPY. AGAIN.#a lot of them are opposed to each other actually. it's confliction central up in here babyyyy as skills love being hkjh#ough my god im so fucking. TIRED. anyway! ive got shit to do so chill out nightshade!! or like dont chill out. do the opposite of chill out#[Deadsprint running around banging pots and pans really loudly] WAKE UP!! WAKE UP!!!! ITS ART TIME!!!!#🕊️#🍵
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I think some of y'all (people in uni) were never 15 and read, "we accept the love we think we deserve" and sobbed while reading perks of being a wallflower and it shows
#gift giving is not a competition to some of us bestie#love is not conditional#dont make me overwhelmed by making our mutual friends bday a fucking competition#thank god her best friend also agrees and we are both her best friends so we know#but just why are people so#like this insecurity with love is so insane#people who want to see your love will see your love at the end of the day and if they don't keep being the lighthouse around please#anyway in other good news spoke to the cool batchmate i always wanted to talk more with and she was also like bro i love having convos with#you lets hangout and so we ate dinner walked and talked about history partition cultural stories my ex friend's bisexuality crisis which was#so similar to hers also takked about my cultural crisis family stories her firefly house urdu poetry her boyfriend my career pospects#so yayy i guess but so tired presentation was good prof questioned a lot cause he literally knows my source text authors its his friend in#uni and this girl said he'll take us out for drinks on last day of course so yayyyyyyy#my roomie and her bf constantly talk eh that is but i am gonna shower play my playlist till i sleep#today has been something but atleast i will have dinner with a new person tomorrow as well so yayyyy#life is just being very overwhelmed lately and i just hope people i love know that i love them and i am missing them even though#they live a floor above from me or live miles away too actually#eni life stories
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seeing ur beloved mutual reblogging some questionable shit (probably unintentionally) but not having the energy to argue or explain why </3
#please i dont wanna have to be the one to correct u fuckers every time u reblog a mildly disguised dogwhistle#goyish mutuals please talk to some jews (who r knowledgeable and want to educate ppl)#cause stg some of the stuff i’m seeing is 2 steps below nazi propaganda#and ik its most likely not malicious but god i’m so tired#please educate urself on some stuff#bcz some of the shit ur rbing could easily be found on some neonazi page if u just (((added some of these around the word zionist)))#or just replaced the word zionist with “jews” or smthn#or idk just so many posts if u tweaked the language just a little but kept the same message it would be blatant nazi shit#and yeah sure the post sounds normal nd everything or whatever but u gotta remembered the point of dogwhistles is to seem innocuous#to signal to other nazis to make them sound more sympathetic and to make ppl calling them out seem insane#just please guys i’m begging u watch out for those posts that r like#“the zionists in hollywood r censoring x” or#“oh no! x jewish celebrity is scared of antisemitism in their big mansion? so sad! lets address their hurt feelings right away#dead palestinian children can wait!”#or whatever#like yes what israel is doing is beyond fucked nd the us being supportive of it is gross but please ffs watch what ur reblogging/posting#think abt if its denying/downplaying antisemitism#if u replaced the word “zionist” with “jew” would it sound like a conspiracy theory?#are u dehumanising jewish/israeli ppl in any way?#(bcz yes not every israeli citizen is the actual devil yk i dont think my 2 month old cousin ever bombed anyone)#yk just please think before u post/reblog jesus fucking christ#idk i kinda went off on a whole rant here oops-#antisemitism#ryan shut the fuck up
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god my stupid fucking ankle
#talking#it feels like a little insane to think physical disability might be further upon me but#my left foot has been so hard to support my weight on for a long ass time idfk whats up with it.#theres already the problems i have. being underweight. but god fuckin damn#some days its totally fine. ive walked around the city all day and only felt a bit tired by the end#other days i do literally nothing at home and wake up with my ankle kinda hurting. i feel crazy. hello.#i have work today. its not even like i work long shifts but im not looking forward to how its gonna feel by the end lmao#god. like. how much of it is just me being out of shape vs the way i just stand on my foot 😭😭😭
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*long, deep, belabored sigh*
#discourse#<- except not really bc i am vagueing#idk im just tired. and sad#for a lot of reasons. some of which are i think v much not the reasons other ppl are mad rn lmao#like. yes it has problems yes i wish it could be better yes this absolutely sucks shit#and that is all v much part of the reason i am tired and sad#but the constant neg abt every aspect of the server also has started grinding on me. well always has i think im just reaching a limit#bc i like it! i do! theres good parts and i like them a whole lot!#idk it just rubs me the wrong way bc even if i do agree with a lot of the criticism whenever it comes from this side of the community#it always kinda feels like its in bad faith to me. like its in desire to watch it burn first and actually improve anything second#and its just like. argh#and like on the flip side. god i love this server but why does it have to be run by a guy who is the way he is#negative#yeah i think this needs that tag too lmao#idk ive been thinking abt taking a break for a little bit here and i dont think i am#mostly bc it would involve unfollowing 90% of my mutuals and i dont really want to do that#but i just wish casually sticking around like this didnt also involve. all the bullshit that comes with being in this fandom(s). lol. lmao.#anyways. i am going to go eat dinner
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:/
#incapable of seeing people and not crying after it seems!!!!!! I’m glad that I get time alone but now I’m Super Alone again which.#I am just tired. of being alone all the time! not having friends around! not seeing people! being ignored!#and just like. I’m tired of being so good at everything else in my life except for having relationships and having my shit together#but then not being able to figure out how to find friends or make anyone interested in me or whatever#like I don’t really even want to date someone except for the fact that it would make me less lonely!#and it’s also just so ridiculous bc like. idk. I just have no idea how to even like put out into the world that I would like to be seen!#and seen as someone who is attractive! and wants to have friends! just. god. they should make a being in ur 20s that doesn’t make u sad.#like I don’t hate being fat in the same way as I used to but I do know my life would be easier if I was skinny. and I would be like pretty#or whatever! just. ugh. it doesn’t help that I’m not perceived as like anything other than woman half the time either. I need. a hug.#and more friends I can talk to who aren’t dating each other. I have those but they don’t. talk to me.#so it’s. whatever#roxy talks
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like that l.a. times article is rightfully being dragged through the mud so maybe my complaining is redundant. but i think if you wrote "maybe barbie would get a nomination if she survived a mass murder plot" you should never be allowed to write again
#the disrespect to not only lily gladstone (who deserves the win) but also more important to the real atrocity that kotfm portrays#like. belittling the actual violence that happened in real life against these women and the men in their community.#jesus fucking christ i have no words for you. over a movie about barbie dolls. you should lose all credibility forever.#avpost#also ill say it i think its stupid that ryan gosling felt the need to apologize for his nomination#when a woman in the same movie literally did get an equivalent nom in best supporting actress....#which is crazy bc idk that america ferrera did her best work in this movie but like good for her. does she not exist to barbie fans?#double also i cant believe theres this much nonsense over a movie that got EIGHT NOMINATIONS being 'snubbed'#and this is just the barbie discourse dont get me started on the discourse around other movies most of which is also stupid#god the consequences of a year where people start moving from big franchise schlock to Caring Abt Film. annoying discourse.#well anyway. theres more important things in the world im just so tired of oscar discourse and i had to rant a little bit.
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I'm really nervous for the third sonic movie. not for anything about the movie itself but for the fact that every single Scu thing (with the exception of drone home maybe?) Has been shortly preceded and/or followed by some kind of personal social tragedy.
And it's really weird cuz it started me writing and without that I wouldn't have met most of my current friends. But at the same time im associating it with the loss of multiple relationships.
Am I an overly anxious person that catastrophises every little thing? Yes. Am I superstitious? not really. But the fact that this keeps happening, And i keep ending up upset near an scu release due to social issues is getting really really freaky and almost makes it seem like there is something weird going on. The storyteller in me wants to call it like a deal, it got me into the sonic franchise and so many good things, but the trade off is ill feel hurt and loose something each time something in that universe comes out.
#night's nonsense#god ive been so negative the last week or so. Sorry about that#i just feel like so many things are getting worse and the better things are vanishing#like i checked out some old games i used to play on my ipad and now they got adds every other minute and are super stingy with in game stuf#all a ploy so you get frustrated and buy stuff of course. But it sucks that it didn't used to be like that#they're silly dumb games and now theyre all money money money#sucks#ive been trying to pull myself out of this but each time i get progress i just get knocked back down again#im just so tired at this point#this time last year was much more enjoyable#low key wanna skip to the end of this year.#But what would be the point of that? its not like a new calendar year automatically means things are different.#They're all days and who knows what they'll contain. Bad? Good? Blessings? tragedy? i dont know at this point.#God i've got so much to rant about from tiny things to massive things#but im definitely becoming a nuisance. There already enough awful in the world. Dont need me being a downer to#Ill try to finish off my tags with somethign nice. For my own sake to#I got visited by seven king parrots today. around now the babies are almost adults and every year the parents bring them to see me#such lovely pretty and sweet birds them. if you haven't seen a picture go search them up.
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dudes ive hit a point with The Horrors:tm: where im unable to convince myself that any of my friends actually like me
#vent#it's like. i think im a pretty solid guy#my negative traits dont define my view of myself etc#i understand that if someone doesnt ike me it doesnt mean im horible etc#but like. i am unable to believe that anyone wants to be around me#even if someone explicitly says they want to talk to me/want to hang out/enjoy my presence#im like hmm. well. sounds fake.#and again it's not like i think im an unlovable piece of shit or something#i just dont think anyone is being honest with me#like i rarely notice hints or subtext or passive aggression when people talk to me#but im simultaneously excessively sensitive and will be like 'wait do they hate me now' if someone sends like an all lowercase one word tex#because it's like. oh no what if they actually ARE hinting that they dont like me. etc#most of the time when i get 'god shut the fuck up' vibes theres not actually anything wrong#BUT because theres been so many times that i MISSED the 'god shut the fuck up' vibes#i automatically assume everyone is mad at me/doesnt like me/doesnt want t talk.#even trying to say 'usually im wrong about people being mad' is extremely difficult#bc im like. fully convinced ive been right every time#and that everyone has just been lying t me#this has been a thing since like. age 14+ for me#but lately it's gotten worse#and like im scared to even dm a friend a meme because they might be mad (they literally sent me a song rec earlier. i have no reason to#assume theyre mad. except when i got the messages i was like 'oh no what if this has a hidden meaning')#it's one of those things where like. my anxiety medication works really well#but this is the flavor of anxiety thats inspired by past experiences#s even if i try to tell myself there arent any signs that theyre mad/annoyed/whatever#i immediately think 'but ive been wrong before.'#and then that same loop stops me from asking. because asking either annoys people or they lie to me about it#idk idk idk im tired#even if i did ask i wouldnt believe any answer other than 'yes im mad/annoyed/whatever'#including if they add 'i just need to be alone right now' or 'yes but not at you' or 'yes and i need to cool off'
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