#Bro i live in texas its hot as shit

[ridley-emeritus]

You don't. The moment you get in a hot environment you're just sweating like a pig. I didn't get it from my mom, my mom had thin hair, so I wonder if I somehow got it from Secondo? Not sure, I only ever seen photos of him with hair, not much anything else, really. It looks so damn cursed.

*there's a box in Bodach's crib. Inside is a godzilla onesie with a hood, tail where Bodach can have his tail too, and little plush spines on the back and tail. It came with a note that simply says 'For the little kaiju' in Ridley's signature messy handwriting.*

*Luna picks the note up and the onesie with a smile, going to find Ridley before she collected Bodach*

Ridley, you in here?

*She knocks on his door*

@ridley-emeritus

[butchlifeguard]

californians and texans need to team up against midwesterners actually bc they think theyre special. i keep getting midwest meme pages recommended to me and they'll be like 'the weather here is so wild 🤭 and don't get me started on the way people drive 🫠' we need to humble them..

[isawken]

haha heyyyyy jesties

this year has been rough stuff. and the problem is nothing life shattering has happened so i don’t even get to have a spectacular mental breakdown. it’s just been a lot of grind and disappointment and struggle to keep up or have any energy to do anything other than the bare minimum. to everyone who reached out to me with love or kindness or memes and waited weeks or more for a response i love you. and i’m so sorry for my total absence of personhood. i’ve never gotten a dm even if it’s just a silly post and an “i thought of you” that i didn’t like. and your patience with me is appreciated more than you know.

i have some stuff i want to work on. some hobbies i want to pick up again. some friendships i want to recultivate. some pieces of my life i want to try to rekindle. i used to have so much creative energy and impulse. did you know i used to make zines? i fuckin loved making zines. the tactile experience of cutting up thick paper and punching holes and using thread to bind em and filling it with vague thoughts and little collages and splashes of acrylic paint. that shit ruled. about a month ago i tried making one for the first time in years. i cut up some old paper and dusted off the ol' hole punch. this time instead of my usual embroidery thread i used necklace chain to bind it. i was proud of that idea. when it came time to put stuff in it i choked. i had no creative thought. i forced myself to cover the first page with orange and yellow crayola markers. but that was it. i had nothing other than that. just hasty sloppy color thoughtlessly and restlessly thrown down. a dull background promised to a more interesting foreground that never came.

that shit did not rule.

in 1883 in pecos texas the first recorded rodeo takes place. in 2001 rob smets attends the PBR world finals in jeans and a sports jersey bearing sponsor logos. in 1780 joseph grimaldi makes his stage debut at 2 years old at london’s famed drury lane. in the many, many years before any white person ever laid eyes on it, a man in what you’d now call northern arizona paints his body in black and white stripes and puts corn husks in his hair. in 1557 ivan the terrible acts as pallbearer to a man who walked naked in the streets of moscow, even in the dead of winter. 1568 the gelosi acting company coalesces in italy to perform the hot new style of live improv entertainment. in 2017 the ringling bro’s circus performs its last show, 146 years after the titular brothers first formed it. all of these moments (and more!) live in my head rolling around like marbles and one day i’ll tell you all why.

i’ve been on mood stabilizers for so long it’s hard for me to tell if this has just been a really long depressive swing or if this is just how i am now. if this is just what getting older is like. i don’t really think it is. i am like 90% sure this will not last. but the two questions that follow are always 1. how do i get out of it, and 2. what if it is tho xD?

i recently went down to southeastern ohio to visit my family. went up the mountain at 1 am saturday night to help my gramma grab the 8 year old boy she’s been helping to take care of from his strung out mother. the next day i saw my various other relations, aunts and cousins however many times removed. i hung out with my second cousin. same age as me, with two twin girls, 4 years old. she’s a great mom. and enjoys it, too. got a decent husband with a good job. obviously i don’t know her struggles. not like we talk often. but she seemed overall pleased when she spoke about her life. i told her about my work from home job and my loving partner of 8 years and my plans for the future. she told me i was living the dream. and like. i kind of am. so why do i wake up every morning in various states of hangover (it's the mental illness)

i live in one of the cloudiest cities in these united states. my house is about 500 square feet. it’s dark at 5pm now. i already miss the sun. i want to get sunburned again. i want to be sweaty. i want to put talcum powder in my skort. i want to get through this winter without having to rub snow on my face to stave off more serious impulses. i want to check the 5 items off my to do list.

all of my want is like a song stuck in my head.

i miss that stickbug meme

i should dress up like a clown again

maybe tomorrow i’ll just lay under my weighted blanket for 5 hours

or maybe i’ll actually do something i like to do and feel good and real and human about it. who knows. only time will tell. and in the meantime. thanks if you read this <3

[real-artemis]

chatper 2: the nightmare continues…in 2003

churches did not know he was drowning (shit ass drunK) until he saw a familiar face in the depth of the rivre. an elongated, yellow, very very attractive and evoking and attractive face. he remembers the simpsons brand liqour he downed as he sinks… this was none other than bart simpson himself.

“..bart… i…… mr simpson...”

bart simpson smiles “please churches. call me bart.”

“b…… bart…… what is hapening to me”

“you are joining me and the fam in springfield. churches… come live in springfield with us!” the yellow angel outstretched his hand

“but.. bart,” he said still having not ran out of oxygen (due to the alcohol) “i have to get the texan vampires… in, texas,...”

bart squinted at churches. “you silly silly government scum you were never going to texas anyway” bart beckoned him further into the water. “join us in springfield”

churches thought about all the damn vampires and other such obscenities. maybe… he thought, maybe, theer are vampires in springfield, maybe there will be gang in springfield, he thinks, as the cerulean depth swallows him whole

meanwhile in texas

“boy frankie i am so happy we hopped the battle bus over to texas and got me some speech therapy. are you as happy as i am?” elliot beamed with horrific speech.

frankie did not have an input. what could they say that could possibly put into words what indescribable horror they are feeling right now.

“gang..” frankie stared at the ground, refusing to meet this impostors eyes. “why do you sound like…”

why do you sound like if john lennon had an american son, is what they wanted to ask, but their better judgement kept them from saying it as they could not let themself ruin this for bro. “a normal person.”

elliot did not answer cause he wasnt listening. he instead stared ahead at the hot dog stand (they are in america) blankly.

“it sure is a shame they didnt have speech therapy in coventry” frankie lied to both elliot and themselves as they waited for dat meat to come out of the oven. but no meat did come.

the only thing coming. was doom. uh oh. the hot dog stand fucking explodes leaving nothing but embers in its wake.

“my fucking hot dog” elliot bawled in grief sobbing like a disgusting animal of no human origin. surely there are other hot dog stands in texas. surely there are other places to get dat meat.

frankie, having dropped to their deplorable knees, refused to face the ashes of what once was a hot dog stand that lied before them. instead they took their gross fucking claws to the dirt below them and started eating the dirt. it was the only solace in this horrible world they once called home.

but despite. there are still other hotdog stands. much like there is still gang to be found. as well as vampires and your boys and synthesizers. and most importantly, and most obviously to frankie at the moment, nicotine.

a shining light comes in. the vape store. FUCK. i NEED a vape. frankie would not let this stand. “elliot” they pointed to the store “hot dog”

“frankie thats not a hot dog” elliot said in a deep depression having dug himself two feet into the dirt below

“elliot you fucking idiot i was using it to express surprise” frankie scoffed at the genuine act of terrorism from their pal in the dirt over here. how could he. fine. maybe theyll just go to the vape store alone. who even cares. fuck. whats going on in the lake

the end

this is wonderful omg

[childish-ish]

Im so bored right now dasdw, idk if you do songfics, but how about a Thomas Hewitt x Reader songfic with Tag You're It?The song fits perfectly with him!!

my first attepmt at a songfic. hope you like it??

TAG, you're it!

pairing: thomas hewitt x reader

He chased me and he wouldn't stop

You felt like throwing up. Tears streamed down your cheeks, dirt mixed in with said tears as your bare feet clap against the hot texas road. You couldn't stop. You couldn't. You would die. You couldn't stop. You can't. You won't.

You stop apruptly before puking or your guts in front of you. Some of the vomit splashed on your ankles. You gag, before more came up, you lean over and vomit out your roadtrip snacks.

Tag, you're it, tag, tag, you're it

You were pushed down on your knees, you couldn't believe you couldn't not hear the fucking chainsaw behind you. What the fuck. You keep quiet, unable to use your voice anymore. Your knees were pushed into your vomit. You internally gag - you could feel it rush up your throat but you force the vomit back down.

Grabbed my hand, pushed me down

The man who you saw slaughter your friends grabbed you by your scalp, digging his thick fingers into said scalp.

Took the words right out my mouth

You could hear incomprehensible rumbling from the man. Despite you wanting to scream out - PLEASE! DON'T KILL ME! You still couldn't use your voice. What is this bullshit?

Tag, you're it, tag, tag, you're it

He hoisted you up, over his shoulder awkwardly, before he adjusted you so your stomach was resting on his shoulder. Thomas, himself, was surprised you didn't scream. Well - now, at least. He had finally caught you. Why didn't you scream? Hadn't you seen his face?

Can anybody hear me when I'm hidden underground?

"P - please, bro.." Thomas could hear you gurgle. He ignored you, not that he could answer, and picked up his weapon that he dropped in order to adjust you -

Can anybody hear me? Am I talking to myself?

"Please don't kill me.." You say, voice raspy. You cough and decide to stay quieg. The tears don't stop. Though, it's not like you have anything to live for. After your dad 'accidentally' ran over your beloved animal pet, you got into a huge fight with your parents. They told you they didn't want to see your face again. This, of course happened many times, but this time you didn't want to come back this time. So you got on the circus ride. With your friends. But they're dead now. What do you have left? What do you have left?

Saying, "Tag, you're it, tag, tag, you're it"

You lie limp in his arms as he drug you to his home. Hearing him mumble. You couldn't help but compliment the place, despite its' raggedy appearance.

He's saying, "Tag, you're it, tag, tag, you're it"

You were thrown onto a hard table. You gasp at the pain, clenching your stomach in your arms. You hug yourself, to give yourself some sort of comfort in your last moments.

You could see the bodies of your dead friends. How'd they get there? Wasn't the guy carrying you only?

You snap your neck towards the still male. Wouldn't you be dead? What the fuck was he waiting for?

You see a clever in his hands - wondering how it got there before your eyes dart back to his face. He seemed to brace himself.

You snicker internally before muttering out a 'Hey on with it' as you lie back. Your watch as the large, odd masked man lifted the clever over your legs before slamming said clever down. But not on your leg - you sit up, looking at the male curiously.

He shrugged slightly before mumbling incoherent words. "Can i.. can i live?" HOLY SHIT! are you fucking stupid? Why would you FUCKING ask that?!

Yet - to your surprise the male shrugged.

"I can. I will." You informed him.

hey, sorry if its not what you totally wanted :\ i could make another?? also sorry for mistakes!

[mkyujji]

Venting

You ever come to the realization that you're self-sabotaging?  

So, I’m being evicted from my residence of almost a decade because my landlord is selling the property.  I have 60 days to get myself, my son, and my cat to somewhere that is Not Here. 

My four most reasonable options are to Rent someplace new, to Buy someplace new, to get a relatively inexpensive RV to give us a place to live and some breathing room, or take my brother up on his offer to move in with him.

The latter offer is the only reason I'm even functional in the face of the mess I would be otherwise.  It's an amazing safety net and a surprisingly sweet gesture, Love you BuBu.  

But I cannot stress enough how little moving back to Texas appeals to me.  I am queer and liberal.  I have almost no friends that I don't work with and I only really hang out with like... two of those outside of work.  Texas is fucking HOT.  I do not miss it hitting 100° somewhere in April and not dropping til September, not even a tiny little bit.  And it's probably one of the 5 states I'd least want to even visit while the pandemic is still going strong.  And I really don't want to go backwards job-wise.  I have actually run a few job searches in the general vicinity and the few I think I'd have a real shot at (I am DONE with foodservice, I don't give any fucks what anyone thinks about it) either pay a fraction of what I make now with shit benefits or they throw around a lot of buzz words that tell me that they're really only going to consider former cops or very recent former military.  

So, Texas with the bro is an option that I am definitely glad to have on the table, but it's the last on the list for a reason.  

Okay, so then there's renting.  Ye gods, there really isn't.  Renting here has always been a problem because of the way the rental market is catered solely to the military.  Rent is expensive.  Places insist on a renter making 3x’s the rent so they can weed out most of the non-military applicants. Half of the places I've looked into either don't allow pets or charge a 'pet rent' as well as a pet deposit and a couple of other random pet related fees.  Like guys, that's why the pet deposit, but whatever.  Like part of me would prefer to rent just because of the familiarity and the lesser responsibility.  Like, if something goes wrong with your apartment, the buck does not stop with you.  It stops with the landlord.  And that?  That's nice.  Familiar and safe(r).  I like that.  Most of the places I can afford are single bedroom and while the spawn and I can live with that, most of those listings are bitchy about "1 bedroom, 1 occupant unless a couple!"  (or I even saw one or two strongly insisting 1b/1o).  And who's to say another landlord won't sell the property out from under me again?  >_>. Also, there's so few rentals even available currently - at any price.

The RV is my spawn’s preferred choice.    We've scoured the local markets and we've found a few rigs we could maybe scrounge up funds for if we work at it. Nice ones, too.  Like, I've lived in much shittier actual houses.  And there's an RV park neatly between where the spawn and I each work that would mean neither of us would have to drive/be driven to work.  That alone would save me a few hours of sleep and stress.  The monthly fee isn't anymore than the rent on this place.  Cheaper maybe, when factoring in that utility hookups that are included vs the house expenses.  Of course, RVs can run through massive amounts of gas and propane, the former less of if you're parked the entire time, but the later even more in that case.  There are a few listings I've found that are rigged with solar panels or rigged for solar.  That drops the propane a lot according to my research.  And if I were to do the build-a-house thing later, it'd give us a roof over our heads while we got that done.  Or if we suddenly did end up choosing the Texas option later for some reason, that trip could made easily and in relative comfort.  This option allows for the most long-term flexibility, but there's a lot of risk involved just in that I haven't worked on an engine in over 20 years and an RV and a car are very different.  So, I keep vacillating violently between thinking this is the very best option possible and that this is Russia and I am Napoleon.  I'm giving myself whiplash at this point.

Which leaves the very last option.  Buying.  There are two major personal points here and boy are they contradictory.  #1 - I would absolutely love to own my own place where everything was decided on by ME.  My vision.  My paradise.  Ideally, actually built by me (you know what I mean, don't give me that look).  A place I can leave my kids that they'll be able to visit (or live in for the one that lives with me) and remember me and what I love.  #2 - I am also terrified of owning my own place.  Like, on a trauma level.  Events of my childhood showed me the ugly side of what owning a place can do to people.  The idea of how horribly, horribly wrong it can all go leaves me shaky and nauseous and unable to sleep.  The first time it happened, I attributed it to the fact that I was already deeply unhappy in my marriage and the idea of owning a home with him was what was causing it.  Like, one more tie that I couldn’t cut, I guess.  And it probably added to it, but the entire ordeal that is buying and owning a house in the US is its own trigger.  I can't even count the number of times I've started this process and stalled out before it even got off the ground.  Either I put off the initial calls until I forget or it gets too awkward to bother with or I get so nitpicky about tiny details that the process doesn't get very far before everyone is fed up.  I put off steps until it undoes the whole thing.  It's probably just as well that the current prices would take me out of the running anyways. 

If I make it to July without an ulcer, I will count myself very, very lucky.

[extreme-technicality]

Im only messing with you 😘 while im here though could i have some fic recs puh-leaaase - 🍍

Ooh honey, you have no IDEA the can of worms you just opened :D (since this list is so long I’m gonna split it up into SFW Complete, NSFW Complete, SFW Ongoing, and NSFW Ongoing)

SFW Complete:

The Invisible Girl [sonamae]: OK SO it’s Hagakure-centric, with background Hagakure x Shouji and KiriBaku. My favorite part about this is that the romance is important, but not the focus. The focus of this oneshot is on the family she creates with Bakugou, Satou, Todoroki, Kirishima, and Tokoyami. Go read it, it’s great. BIG BROTHER BAKUGOU FTW!!!!!

Ground Zero [sonamae]: Speaking of Big Brother Bakugou, this is the next oneshot in the same series as the above one, but from Bakugou’s pov. Again, the romance is important but not a focus, and that’s so fucking refreshing and I love it so mUCH idk what else to tell you. Just go read these two. The rest of the series isn’t complete, but these two specific fics ARE, hence why they’re in the Complete section.

Lighting The Beacon [M3zzaTh3M3z]: This is one of the first bnha fics I’ve ever read, and I’m so glad this was my introduction to the fandom!! It’s a pretty fluffy oneshot, starting off with Kiri asking Baku out and Baku rejecting him because “who ever heard of a gay hero?” Aizawa hears about that (the basics, no details like names or anything), and things…start to change. Mic says he’s married to a man (its Aizawa), All Might comes out as pan, ace Midnight…and at the end, Bakugou asks Kirishima out very publicly. It’s so near and dear to my heart, and it honestly deserves more attention than it gets.

You’re only relevant until you’re older (they’re gonna talk about you over and over) [futurehearts]: Pro-Heroes Red Riot and Ground Zero are happily married and Baku has a reputation to slowly destroy :D (he’s soft, mainly for his husband, and he knows it…and now so does the rest of the world lmaooo).

Love Notes [PurplePersnickety]: Kirishima gets really, REALLY sappy love notes on his desk for a week or two and works to figure out who it is (spoiler alert, it’s Bakugou being a Soft Bitch). When Kiri asks him about it, he confesses everything and they date in secret for six months before telling the whole class (oneshot).

Sonder [Maplefudge]: I bet this bitch thought she wouldn’t get a shout-out well guess what you write good and there’s nothing you can do about it This is the first work of maple’s I ever read, and it’s perf <3 I’m love. It’s a look at the “totally platonic” (how much sarcasm can I add to two words?) Kiribaku from members of the class, over the course of 13 chapters. It’s full of fluff, useless mutual pining, obliviousness, and “platonic bro kisses”. Read it if you need to scream at some useless gays.

Anger Management [Julietwasanidiot]: The entire fandom is gearing up for S4 by writing hurt/comfort KiriBaku post-raid fics, and I am HERE for it. Because of when it’s set though, there’s going to be spoilers so if you’re anime-only you migt want to steer clear of this one. It’s got an ICONIC rice-and-anger line, though.

Stupid Mistakes [lemxnfox]: Kirishima and Bakugou got in a fight! They fight a lot, but this fight they’ve been fighting for six months and the class is #OverIt. They concoct a plan to lock the two of them in a room and force them to make up– and they DO. Side ShinKami and TodoDeku.

No More Fragments [Ischemia]: Canon-compliant…to a degree. Shinsou takes his place as the Superior Purple in Class A, gets himself a boyfriend (Kaminari) and a squad (the Bakusquad)…and loses it. Or does he???? Canon-typical violence, side Kiribaku, mystery plot.

Caught In My Own Web [anxioussaliorsoldier]: SHINSOU IS IN 1-A!!!!! And he fucks up when trying to use his capture weapon lmao. Kaminari finds him and they recreate the iconic Spider-Man kiss…and then Shinsou passes out from the blood rushing to his head. It’s cute guys.

Be Selfish For Me [A_Reflective_Projection]: WARNING– the entire thing is Aizawa asking 1-A to be careful as pro heroes, by taking them to a hero graveyard. It’s painful. It’s sad (especially when Aizawa brings up a classmate of his who died in their first year as a pro). It ends bittersweet, and there’s some good Dadzawa content in there. The most present ship is Erasermic, and that only really makes an appearance in the last chapter.

Closer [MikeWritesThings]: Fluffy Erasermic, canon universe, where Aizawa starts calling in to Mic’s radio show cuz he misses him. It’s sweet af ❤️❤️

Meaningless Holiday [dysonQueer]: It’s a sweet Valentine’s Day fic, canon-compliant, with established Erasermic for the soul. I highly recommend it if you’re having a rough day and you need some feel-good fluff

Come Back Toe Me [Milligramme]: Aged-up, Pro Hero fic where Kiri has a shit day heroing, but he isn’t physically hurt. Not until he breaks his toe on the coffee table, that is. He can’t stop laughing, and Bakugou can’t stop worrying about his dumbass boyfriend.

Kiss Me Through The Screen [Ischemia]: Aged-up fic with ShinKami as the main focus and some side KiriBaku, but…uh, most of the Bakusquad aren’t full-time Heroes. Kami dropped out of UA completely, and Shinsou never went in the first place. So, Kaminari is working at Jirou’s cafe and works as a SFW camboy at night, while Shinsou is a teacher and watches the stream nightly. Later there’s a plot around a stalker, again please keep yourself safe Pineapple Anon!!

If I Don’t Act… [SilentNorth]: This is gritty and painful, but don’t worry! There’s a happy ending :D (I rarely read/write/recc pure angst, you’re safe here my child). Kiri is a college dropout working two jobs, living with Mina as his roommate, and with a hero complex the size of Texas. Enter art student Bakugou, who can save himself thank you very much. Some mention of depression/attempted suicide, as well as slightly less than canon-typical violence, please keep yourself safe and skip it if that’s going to trigger you, Pineapple Anon.

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all [theroyalsavage]: A Kiribaku “10 Things I Hate About You” AU where Todoroki asks Kirishima to fake-date Bakugou so he can date Midoriya. Everything is going smoothly until Kirishima accidentally falls in love *gasp*!!

The Skeletons Inside Of Us [firelord_zutara]: Erasermic, quirkless AU where Mic was the lead singer of Aizawa’s favorite local band in college. Aizawa has a crush on him, they lost touch after college, and they didn’t meet again…until their nephews (Aizawa adopted Midoriya, Shinsou is Mic’s sister’s kid) meet and by extension, the uncles. Background ShinKami and KiriBaku, written for EraserMic week (7 chapters).

Life’s a Drag(on) [PurplePersnickety]: FANTASY AU!!! You know, the Fantasy AU from the third ending. But altered, juuuuuust slightly. Bakugou lives in(? ish) a village and helps a dragon when it’s hurt. A day or so later, a (hot) new guy comes to town named Kirishima, and the dragon keeps coming around. Shenaniganery follows. :DDD

Space Dust [PurplePersnickety]: Do you like Star Wars, Star Trek, Firefly, and/or Men In Black? Then you’re gonna fuckin LOVE this :DDD It’s got half-alien Kirishima, cyborg Bakugou, mention of a larger universe outside of the planet (outside of the oneshot too, lbr). It is a oneshot though, even if it is a long one, with canon/typical violence and mention of kidnapping and child experimentation. Please put your mental health and well-being above everything else and skip it if it’s gonna trigger you!!!

Achromatopsia [PurplePersnickety]: DID SOMEBODY SAY SOULMATE AU???? No? Well hAVE ONE ANYWAY!!! Kiribaku soulmate AU (oneshot), where you only see in one color until you touch your soulmate for the first time. Fun fact, achromatopsia is the complete inability to see any color!! I’m sure that’s not gonna have any bearing on the story whatsoever…

NSFW Complete:

A Cast for your Heart [KTG]: Heads up, this is LONG. 90 chapters, 268k, it’s magic and sex and drAGONS and angst and almost-dying!! The fantasy system is completely original, set in modern times, and the OCs??? Don’t get me STARTED. Kiribaku, Tododeku, and Seromina are the bnha ships present as well as a lot of OCxOC ships. There’s also a sequel set to come out this month (July 2019)!!

Long Time Coming [Madam_Muffins]: I’ve probably recc’ed this before, but I just. I just love this one so much, ok? It’s massive Kiribaku slow burn, outlining what might happen if Bakugou is just a little bit more emotionally constipated. Baku fucks up, gets help, he and Kiri get together (and fuck a little), and there’s elements of the Reincarnation and Fantasy AUs in there towards the end!! Go read it, madammuffins is my amazing tumblr mom and I love her to bits.

SFW Ongoing:

Engraved In Your Mind [Hejter]: FACEBLIND BAKUGOU KATSUKI!!! It’s canon-compliant, except for that little detail, but she writes it so WELL that now I can’t look at canon!Bakugou without thinking that he’s faceblind. Kiri finds out and starts working to build trust with Bakugou and help him on his path to becoming the top hero, and it’s GREAT. Slowburn Kiribaku. Like,,,SLOW.

Define: Oblivious [PurplePersnickety]: I bet you thought I was done with the Purple reccs. I’m never going to be done reccing Purple. Deal with it. I mentioned, in the summary for Love Notes, that there was a six month time skip? This is what happens in those six months. SeroKami and MomoJirou are side ships in this one.

The Right Thing [TuesdayTerrible]: Established Kiribaku where they’re graduated from UA, and living together, and being pro heroes…and then one day Baku finds a little girl who tried to kill herself cuz she was quirkless. Needless to say, this strikes a chord in Bakugou (cuz…yknow, he kinda told Midoriya to kill himself in like episode one and then it was never addressed again). He can’t stop thinking about her, and while we haven’t gotten there YET it looks like it’s gonna end with him and Kirishima adopting her and Bakugou apologizing for the bullshit he put Mido through. There is mention of a suicide attempt (clearly), skip it if that’s gonna trigger you!!!

Hands Off! [PullingAllMighters]: Much like Kiss Me Through The Screen, Hands Off! is a non-canon compliant aged-up AU where not everyone is a full-time hero. Kiri is, Kami and Sero are his sidekicks, Ochako is in a different agency, and everyone else is doing Other Shit. Bakugou hasn’t revealed his full backstory yet, but it looks like he was a Pro Hero until a year or so ago when something bad happened and now he’s got PTSD. His old apartment building burned down so he’s living in Ochako, Momo, Jirou, and Mina’s guesthouse until he finds a job and another place to live. This has a fresh take on the hero system, and I really really enjoy it so far!! There is, however, a fairly detailed scene of Bakugou being triggered so if reading that would trigger you, please don’t!! Keep yourself safe, Pineapple Anon!!! Endgame Kiribaku

Blood of my Hand [PurplePersnickety]: Is it obvious yet that I LOVE purple’s writing??? This, I believe, was the gateway work, and I’ve dived headfirst in and not looked back. Fantasy AU, slowburn Kiribaku, and it’s. I can’t even sum it up. There’s too much. It’s too good. Game of Thrones WISHES it could be what BomH is. There’s mention of slavery and past child abuse, please skip that if it’s going to trigger you!!

A Boy and his Dragon [VanHan]: Oh look, another fantasy AU. Have you figured out that I have a type yet? Kiribaku but the Kiribaku hasn’t really happened yet, cuz Bakugou is a literal child who got kidnapped and is probably gonna get sold. He doesn’t even know Kirishima is Kirishima, he just knows him as the cool dragon in the cage. This one just barely makes the SFW list, because there’s no explicit mention of fucking, but there’s a really really gross pedophile that shows up fairly early on and hasn’t died yet. There’s also graphic depictions of violence in the first chapter, and once you combine those two things I would absolutely understand if you decided to give this one a pass, too.

Everglow [Maplefudge]: ANOTHER fantasy AU?!?! In MY fic recc list?? It’s more likely than you think. This one just started, and it’s got that enemies-to-lovers shit going on. Dragons plus my favorite tropes = FUCK YEAH!!!

Crimson [Crocodillia]: I bet you thought I was done with the fantasy AU reccs, didn’t you? Well, HAVE ANOTHER!!! This one has strong HTTYD vibes, and I’ve literally never seen anyone try that before with these characters!! So far there’s only two chapters, but I am HOOKED and if you like HTTYD…you’re gonna like this, too.

Becoming Human [FoolishFortuna]: Demon!Bakugou becomes Human!Bakugou when he refuses to take a kid’s soul. I think we’re three chapters in and he just got to earth and met Kirishima, as well as a few holy people (Midoriya, Ochako, Iida, and I believe Tetsu). Now he gotta find his daughter and keep her safe. Kiribaku with some fairly graphic descriptions of torture and cannibalism in the second chapter, don’t read it if that’s gonna trigger you!! Also he pretty brutally rips apart the girl’s abusive parents.

Surviving for Second Chances [SilentNorth]: TWEWY Kiribaku AU!!! There’s some differences between the original game and the fic, for pretty obvious reasons (medium, objective, and character differences being a few), but this got me to FINALLY watch a playthrough of the game cuz I’m too broke to go and buy it myself!! Kirishima as Neku and Bakugou as Joshua, plus Mina as Shiki and TodoDeku as Rhyme and Beat. Canon-typical violence, and we just finished up Week 1!!

Love And Other Allergens [thefrailtyofgenius]: A Quirkless AU where Todoroki is a lawyer with a flower shop underneath his apartment. Todo finds out he’s allergic to one of the plants, buys a different bouquet every week instead of, yknow, asking for help like a normal human being (I say, knowing damn well I’d just buy allergy medication and not even try to figure out what I’m allergic TO), and accidentally falls in love with the cute (and absolutely fucking ripped) flower boy (Midoriya lmao). It’s LONG. The TodoDeku is extremely slowburn, and there’s a fuckload of side ships. An incomplete list: Erasermic, Kiribaku, ShinIida (Shinsou and Iida), and MomoJirou. Bonus Endeavor’s Bad Parenting, Midoriya Hisashi’s Bad Parenting, and both of those assholes getting locked up forever :D (I’m so serious about the length tho, it’s like 40 chapters or something).

NSFW Ongoing:

Mixing Signals [Shippeh]: Kiribaku aged-up, but they’ve tried to date multiple times and every time Bakugou fucked it up. Every time they broke up, they pretended like they’d never tried in the first place (which…oW), but this time. THIS time, Bakugou swears he’s gonna make them work.

Heartbeat Thunder [Shippeh]: This is one of the few ABO fics I’ll recc, because it’s not just “ooh heat sex fun times”. This has THOUGHT put into it. They’re confused kids goddamnit, let them be confused!!! Basically Kiri doesn’t ever want to rut so he’s suppressing everything about being an alpha, while Bakugou thinks that trying to hide from your secondary gender is stupid. They do fuck tho, which is why the fic is in NSFW Ongoing.

Take a Chance On Me [FanficIsMyThing]: The other ABO fic I’ll happily recc. Kiri is an alpha which lets him be a hero, while Baku is an omega so he’s gotta be a vigilante until the laws get changed. They run into each other on patrol a few times, Baku helps Kiri and crew out a few times, and every time Kirishima *mysteriously* fails to catch the vigilante Chemical X. They haven’t actually fucked yet, but there’s been enough sexy times to put this squarely in NSFW territory. And it’s not just sex!! I don’t wanna spoil, but it’s good I swear.

Opposed to the Typical [Heronfem]: A model/fashion designer AU featuring HoH!Bakugou, model!Bakugou and designer!Kirishima, as well as a metric shitload of others. Basically Kiri is an intern with Fatgum who gets called to help another studio with their fitting, gets assigned to Bakugou, figures out he’s HoH and handles it like a champ. Because he does it so well, whenever Bakugou needs to get his measurements taken again, they immediately call for Kirishima. And ofc they gonna fall in love :3c But its more complicated than that, and I don’t wanna give too much away, but make sure that you pay attention to any trigger warnings at the start of the chapters!!!

[nonbinarypendragon]

1, 2, 13, 27, 32, 36, 41, 42, 46, 51, 52, 60

1. music you’d recommend?heres a fun variety of less obvious things id say: two door cinema club, chloe moriondo, greyson chance (yes, the paparazzi cover boy, he’s like rly hot and gay now), overcoats2. what’s a movie that makes you cry?all of them, im rly honestly not even kidding you, if its emotional in Any way shape or form i will at least tear up. recently it was (do NOT laugh at me this is the BEST christmas movie on planet earth and you Cannot argue with me on this i will not listen) Samantha: An American Girl Holiday 

13. aquarium or terrarium?terrarium for SURE

27. would you rather date a gamer or a beauty guru?both? either? i luv makeup and i luv watching ppl play video games 

32. pillow fights or pillow forts?pillow FORTS BITCH make a pillow fort with me and we can watch MOVIES IN IT god PLEASE i know its so gross and sappy but i WANT IT 

36. describe your (ideal or current) girlfriend.oh jesus h christi do not have a girlfriend right now and honestly i really dont have an “ideal” like i guess the ideal would be someone who can handle all my shit and not get tired of it, someone who can keep me grounded during shit but also let me lose my shit about things later to get it off my chest, someone i can trust and who rly loves me, all of me 

41. rivers or lakes?rivers, smaller, easier to see things (i hate open bodies of water) 42. city or small town?im gonna b real with you, i just watched the original texas chainsaw massacre and i think after that im gonna have to live in a city for the rest of my god damn life (tho i would love to try my hand at bein a farmer) 

46. long nails or short nails?i have v short nails, ive bitten them since i was a kid and i dont bite them as much anymore but i still am not used to having long nails at all so when im wearing fake nails im USELESS i hate it cause i feel so powerful with them on 

51. undercut or fully shaved?bro both,,,,,,, i love both so much. rn im rly digging having some long hair, but i am excited to shave it all off again in the spring cause its always very cathartic and i havent done it in a minute

52. body hair or body shave? i do not care what anyone else does At All but i honestly do enjoy shaving, because i do it very rarely and so when i do it i just like blast music and have a little while to focus on doing something, and then i feel super soft and smooth. body hair on other people i literally do not care about at all, do what u wish 

60. make-up or nah?i wear makeup quite a lot and i do admit that its because of how society has made me view myself and i know i need to break out of my shell and all that but i also do genuinely enjoy putting on makeup, thats another thing that i can just space out and do while listening to music or a podcast or something 

thank you so much for all the questions omg!!!!!!!!!

[tidal-wawes]

0: Height? 5’1.5

1: Virgin? no lol

2: Shoe size? 6-6 ½ USA

3: Do you smoke? i used to smoke weed sometimes but i stopped

4: Do you drink? on occasion

5: Do you take drugs? only if you count when i used to do edibles

6: Age you get mistaken for? probably 16 or 17, people assume i’m still in high school

7: Have tattoos? I have a marching band of cats going up my right forearm. I love them dearly

8: Want any tattoos? i literally want to get a frog tatted on my thigh as soon as possible. but I also want to be able to go swimming so like i gotta wait

9: Got any piercings? i’ve got four piercings in each earlobe, a cartilage piercing in my left ear and a nose piercing

10: Want any piercings? I’m not sure if I want anymore tbh

11: Best friend? My bestie Samantha

12: Relationship status? taken :o

13: Biggest turn ons? bro, neck kisses and tickles. I won’t deny it

14: Biggest turn offs? mmm still figuring that out

15: Favorite movie? the nightmare before christmas

16: I’ll love you if..? honest and sweet

17: Someone you miss? @ohcoolitszach because I’m a fucking simp

18: Most traumatic experience? house warming party that lead to the loss of my cousin

19: A fact about your personality? I am such a fucking simp

20: What I hate most about myself..? the fact that my ass doesn’t fit in most of my clothing properly. can’t help the size of my ass, but like damn i just want jeans to fit perfectly everywhere

21: What I love most about myself..? my own confidence :)

22: What I want to be when I get older? atm its a PTA but like im so indecisive

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)? we get along well, but he definitely gets in my nerves. Little shit.

24: My relationship with my parent(s)? good :) they are very respectful of me and are extremely supportive 25: My idea of a perfect date? picnic or hike, something outdoors. but also like whatever as long as I get to be with them

26: My biggest pet peeves? people complaining about graphics of a move or video game or anything else. Also customers that let their kids fucking destroy my store. God that makes me mad.

27: A description of the girl/boy I like?  cute boy from Texas who is stealing my heart. or I could just @ him.... @ohcoolitszach

28: A description of the person I dislike the most? i mean there are people who have hurt me that have caused me to dislike them, but I don’t have anyone who immediately comes to mind that i strongly dislike

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend? to keep them happy

30: What I hate the most about work/school? when people ask the dumbest questions. why is common sense not more common

31: What your last text message says? me goongaga 💕

32: What words upset me the most? “the store looked terrible”

33: What words make me feel the best about myself? you’re cute, but my favorite as of late is I adore you

34: What I find attractive in women? imma be real with you chief, ass

35: What I find attractive in men? a good personality, but also stubble do be kind of hot. i do be an ass lady though

36: Where I would like to live? at this point in life im not sure, we’ll see what happens

37: One of my insecurities? my tummy when im bloated, but other wise i love myself normally

38: My childhood career choice? veterinarian 

39: My favorite ice cream flavor? chocolate peanut butter!!! 

40: Who wish I could be? me, myself, and I. Wouldn’t change a thing

41: Where I want to be right now? in Zach’s arms i swear to god

42: The last thing I ate? jalapeno chips for the spice

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately? zach but also harry styles 

44: Random fact about anything? In Oregon you can only pierce the ear lobe with a piercing gun, however other states allow you to pierce cartilage with the gun. Nowhere in the U.S. allows nose piercings with the gun, but in Europe you can pierce nose using a piercing gun.

45. Selfie?

changed this from one of those "send me a number" things bc i dont need u to ask me

0: Height 1: Virgin? 2: Shoe size 3: Do you smoke? 4: Do you drink? 5: Do you take drugs? 6: Age you get mistaken for 7: Have tattoos? 8: Want any tattoos? 9: Got any piercings? 10: Want any piercings? 11: Best friend? 12: Relationship status 13: Biggest turn ons 14: Biggest turn offs 15: Favorite movie 16: I’ll love you if 17: Someone you miss 18: Most traumatic experience 19: A fact about your personality 20: What I hate most about myself 21: What I love most about myself 22: What I want to be when I get older 23: My relationship with my sibling(s) 24: My relationship with my parent(s) 25: My idea of a perfect date 26: My biggest pet peeves 27: A description of the girl/boy I like 28: A description of the person I dislike the most 29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend 30: What I hate the most about work/school 31: What your last text message says 32: What words upset me the most 33: What words make me feel the best about myself 34: What I find attractive in women 35: What I find attractive in men 36: Where I would like to live 37: One of my insecurities 38: My childhood career choice 39: My favorite ice cream flavor 40: Who wish I could be 41: Where I want to be right now 42: The last thing I ate 43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately 44: A random fact about anything

[canonicallyanxious]

i can’t even fake it anymore

SKAM Austin | One-sided Shay Dixon/Megan Flores | 1.4k words

So this is just a quick thing I had to get out of my system, an imagining of Shay and Meg’s first proper meeting. Title is pulled from “Forever” by Ekali. Thanks to @arindwell, @offbeat-leah, @pronouncingitwang and @crazyheartfics for the encouragement! <3 Hope y’all like this small thing =]

It’s warm for January, even if it’s Texas. There’s a lot of things not to like about living in this dumb state, and the weather is just one of them. What Shay wouldn’t give to move to a place that knew what seasons were supposed to be.

Then again, maybe there are worse things than the kind of afternoon that would let her lie on her back in the grass, sun kissing her cheeks, new colors dancing behind her closed eyelids. Maybe she wouldn’t mind that much if this moment lasted a little longer. If she lived in a world where leaving the present was less of an inevitability and more of a choice to make.

Something nudges against her foot. Probably Tyler’s crusty shoe.

“Hey, dipshit,” Tyler says. “We should probably get going.”

Shay doesn’t open her eyes. She doesn’t speak.

Just soaks it in.

A nudge against her shoulder now, harder, more insistent.

“Lazy ass.”

She cracks a single eye open and turns it slowly toward him. It’s the most she’ll let him have. “Bro, can’t you just let me chill for a hot second?”

“No,” Tyler intones. “No chilling for Shay Dick-son allowed, ever.”

Shay rolls her eyes. How original.

She props herself up on her elbows, racking her brain for the appropriate comeback, but before it comes to mind Tyler elbows her in the side and says, “Look, here comes Marlon and his new chick.”

Shay groans internally. She loves Marlon, she does, she’d give up her life for him in a damn heartbeat if she had to but the boy’s got ninety-nine problems and a bitch is all of them. She kind of wishes he’d stop bringing them to their practices. It always makes her feel a little off-balance, strangely, a little like a bright spotlight is being shone on her when he’s got those pretty girls with the empty smiles and the emptier heads sitting on his couch, nodding as if they know anything about music and acting like they’re not waiting for them to be done already so they can start sucking on Marlon’s face in front of the rest of them. That “I’m not like other girls” mentality is the kind of bullshit Shay’s been trying to kill inside herself for years because it’s never done her or anyone else a bit of good, but in those times she still can’t help but feel the difference between her and them keenly, her rough sharp edges bumping up against their almost untouchable perfection in that garage, that place that’s too small for all of them.

They’ll never notice her, is the thing that makes her feel weirdest of all. To them she’s practically Marlon’s sister, and that makes her harmless. Not even worth a second glance.

Though honestly she doesn’t know what would be worse, that or if they did pay attention to her. If they were actually watching.

Whatever. It’s complicated. That’s why Marlon should stop bringing his girlfriends to practice. It’s always complicated.

Especially with the new girl. God, there in one person is enough drama to last them all the fucking century.

“Hey, guys.”

She doesn’t startle because she’s too cool for that shit but her head snaps upward toward Marlon’s voice almost of its own volition. He’s towering above them and Megan’s there too, hand intertwined in his. The sun’s behind them, annoyingly, meaning Shay has to squint at them and she still can’t see their faces that well.

How much of a dumbass must she look, she thinks hazily, how unflattering must this angle seem?

“Hi,” Megan says, a little shyly, and Shay doesn’t know her too well but somehow there’s this image that comes to mind of the uncertain smile that might accompany that word. She’s just got one of those voices, Shay supposes, where you can tell what the person’s feeling from a single word. Heart not so much on her sleeve as it is exposed for the whole world to see, if you knew where to look.

Which is some dangerous shit, all things considered. It almost makes Shay want to feel bad for Megan, despite her best judgment. A girl like that is destined to have a hard time in this shit ass universe.

Shay brings a hand to her face, a poor attempt to shield her eyes from the sun. She still can’t see for shit. “Hey,” she says. Tyler says nothing.

“So, uh,” Marlon says, and he’s definitely not a heart-on-sleeve kind of person in general but Shay is maybe one of the only people in the world for whom that doesn’t matter. She knows intimately well the exact way his voice goes whenever he turns into a small wreck specifically because the girl he likes wants to kiss him back. Truly, a burden she must bear. “Y’all know Megan. She’s gonna watch us practice, if that’s chill.”

Tyler jumps to his feet. “As long as you don’t try to impregnate her in my garage. That’s basically public indecency, you could probably get arrested for that.”

Well, there’s no point in staying down here if she’s the only one. Shay gets up too. “Don’t be a dick, asswipe,” she says. “Yeah, it’s chill. We could use an audience.”

“Thanks,” Megan says, and smiles, very briefly, at Shay.

Marlon and Tyler have already stopped paying attention, arguing about some pop quiz they had in world history. Megan turns toward them, and Shay blinks.

It’s strange. Her back is to the sun now, but somehow she still feels like she’s squinting.

“All right, bitches,” Tyler says, spinning away from the group in the direction of the parking lot. “Let’s go.”

Practice goes without much of a hitch, surprisingly, considering Marlon and Meg are still very obviously and very squarely in their gross awful honeymoon stage and won’t stop making eyes at each other. Despite that they manage to get a good bit of work on one of their newer songs. Shay works out this cool syncopated beat they decide would be great for the chorus. It’s satisfying, she has to admit, to come up with something entirely on her own that everyone agrees is a good idea. She’d never say it to the boys, they’d probably give her shit until the end of their days, but it’s always nice to feel like she isn’t useless.

After they wrap up Marlon leaves to get them drinks, and Tyler and Shay collapse on the couches. Somehow Shay ends up on the one Megan was already sitting on. She didn’t think about it. She’d almost forgotten Megan was even there.

“You guys sound good,” Megan says. There’s that small half-smile on her lips, except it’s real and not imagined. It’s almost as quiet as her voice itself.

“Wow, thanks,” Tyler says, clear sarcasm dripping from his voice because he can’t go two seconds without being a total douche, apparently. “Your opinion means so much to us.”

“Seriously,” Megan says without a beat of hesitation, earnest and undeterred even if her voice is as gentle as before, and just for a moment, so brief Shay almost thinks or maybe hopes she imagined it, her heart twinges in her chest. “I’ve never seen a band live before. It’s cool.”

“Well, that definitely wasn’t us at our best, but it’s sick you liked our sound,” Shay offers before Tyler can jump in and be an asshole again. “That probably means we’ll kick ass when we actually get where we want to be.”

“You guys definitely will,” Megan says. “Especially you.”

Shay’s heart, that stupid treacherous thing, skips a very small beat. “What?”

“Yeah,” Megan says, tilting her head as her smile gets ever so slightly wider. “You’re such a badass on the drums.”

“No, I’m not,” Shay says, almost reflexively. “I’m, like, mediocre at best. Keeping time, that’s all I’m good for.”

She means it as a joke, but Megan doesn’t laugh.

“You’re not,” she says instead. “You’re really, really not.”

And her voice is as quiet as ever, but the kindness in her eyes is so damn loud.

It’s almost deafening.

And it’s then that Marlon comes back into the garage, drinks in hand and typical smirk on his face. “Got you your sprite, dumbass,” he says to Tyler, tossing the can over before throwing himself down between Shay and Megan and wrapping his arm around her, easy as an afterthought. They lean toward each other that way, too. Shay looks away just in time.

Tyler catches her eye. Badass? he mouths at her, raising his eyebrows.

Because of course. She’s not a heart-on-sleeve kind of person, either. She’s the kind of person with a heart you could probably see from the goddamn stars themselves.

Megan and Marlon are kissing now, really hard, which she doesn’t need to see because she can hear it. She looks the other way and sinks a little deeper into the couch, a little more inside herself.

Badass. What a fucking joke.

[jodiwalker]

A Bachelorette Recap: Rachel Is the Queen and We Are the Sorry People

"Let me tell you something. I'm not here to be played. I'm not here to be made a joke of … So I'm really going to need you to get the fuck out." – Rachel Lindsay of the House Bachelorette, First of Her Name, the Un-to-be-trifled-with, Queen of the Fuckbois, Ruler of the Mansion that Venereal Diseases Built, Breaker of Bullshit, and Mother of Reads

Can you all hear Rachel's perfect Texas drawl in your head as keenly as I can while reading the quote of the century? Has any Bachelorette ever held. that. shit. down. as deftly as this one? No. Because this isn't any Bachelorette. This is the Rachelorette 2K17 and if you are not a man who is ready to hold it down just as tight…than she is going to need you to get the fuck out.

I did not expect myself to be very interested in this DeMario storyline. I liked DeMario and his hollering out of wedding plus-ones in the premiere; so I wasn't rooting for him to be the creep [ed. note: hey, stay tuned on that creep front, 'cuz it's a big ol' YIKES] with a girlfriend. Plus, his girlfriend seemed a little too eager to be delivering her gotcha-moment on national television, and a little too unabashed about wearing a stone-cold waffle-weave scrunchie on her wrist while doing it...

But who cares about DeMario and how many man-rompers he left over at Lexi's house — this storyline is all about Rachel and how she managed to take the drama-covered receipts from Lexi, the slimy "new phone, who dis" excuses from DeMario, run them through her logic-o-meter (a brain, as it's called outside of this franchise), and calmly inform these people that she has 25 boyfriends, a dog who can currently only use three of his legs for unknown reasons, and a rented house in what appears to be an upper middle class retirement community to take care of...so she doesn't really have time to be running on some bullshit. 

As Rachel has stated multiple times throughout her three-episode tenure, she keeps it 100. And if any of these knuckleheads keeps it any less than 100, then they better have a background in computer sciences to make their own sub-100 emoji, and some fresh New Balances to — let’s haveRachel reiterate this one last time — GTFO of here.

Never could I have imagined what it would be like to have a Bachelorette so fully in command of her own experience. Rachel doesn’t accept excuses from anyone, including herself. She seems completely aware of the Hellmouth she has willingly entered herself into, and the only way to make that Hellmouth work for her is to take it seriously and flush out one of these vampires to marry. [Ed. note: Is this metaphor falling apart? Who's Angel? Who's Spike?! Obviously Dean is Willow and, yes, he will develop a complex and moving witchcraft/lesbian storyline in season 4.] And speaking of the dumb-dumbs Rachel is dating, I want to take it all the way back to the premiere for a minute when there were 30 contesticles still hoping to woo Rachel. 

It seemed like all anyone could say about Rachel—and the character that the editors seemed to be carving out for her—was that she was so beautiful and smart. Indeed, they had never a woman like her. I quickly ran through a list of all of the women that I know well and couldn't think of a single one who I would not describe as smart and beautiful. Which is fantastic for me and concerning for these donuts. 

So, I'd now like to turn it over to my girl Hailee Steinfeld — who is quietly an Academy Award nominee, a budding pop princes, and definitive queen of the teenage eyebrow Hunger Games — and her song of the summer:

Yes, Princess Hailee. Most girls are smart and strong and beautiful. If these dudes don't know any other women that they deem to be both smart and beautiful, then they are not good enough for Rachel. Also, heads up — these dudes aren't good enough for Rachel! 

Rachel's only flaw seems to be that she’s not aware when a dude isn’t good enough for her. Rachel can be as smart and funny, and hand as many asses to as many duplicitous dummies as many times as she wants to, but the fact of the matter is, we have this wonderful Bachelorette…because she once truly wanted to be engaged to Nick Viall.

And that is as good of a reality check as any to remind us that this is still the Bachelorette, and two bros will still play a game of homoerotic "I'm not touching you" in the driveway when they get kicked out. Because a peacock cannot change its feathers (which would be a much better reference if this came on NBC!). Yes, of course, I wish that Rachel, Queen of the Fuckbois, Ruler of STD Mansion, Breaker of Bullshit, and Mother of Reads could be a little more like Hailee Steinfeld's breakout song of summer 2015, “Love Myself.” That’s right, the one where she boldly declares that she maybe, definitely screams her own name while she masturbates. I'm not talking about that declaration, though; I’m talking about the other, less intriguing, but altogether more important: Gonna love myself, no I don’t need anybody else (Hey!).

Alas, us women of a certain age weren't raised with the raging independence of the SnapChat generation. We must marry, and we must do it quickly — before our wombs rot and there are no Tickle Monsters or sociopathic amateur drummers left for us. We can scream our own name during orgasm, sure. But society and ABC contracts dictate that it would be much better if there were a Peter or Kenny beside us while we do it. Let’s get to know them, shall we...

DeMario's Return

Y'all. After being told to "get the fuck out," this dude thinks it's a good idea to Uber back over to the mansion for a little more screen time. But all it really does is give Rachel another chance to show off her PhD in rhetoric. I mean—the woman can talk, and I think anyone who watched Farmer Chris or Des with Bangs' season could reiterate the importance of that one simple skill to you.

However, there's nothing simple about the way Rachel pummels what's left of DeMario into the ground. DeMario tries to tell Rachel that Lexi assassinated his character and he was just caught off guard. Rachel kindly responds that all that can be true (in a tone that says it's very much not true), "But I need a man, that when confronted with a difficult situation, does not lie about it." Similarly, I need a Rachel that will speak for me every time I'm confronted with a difficult man. DeMario says that he had a little chat with his Uber driver on the way over, and that Uber driver — who was, without a doubt, a male— encouraged him to not take no for an answer. Bad advice, brother! Always, always, ALWAYS take no for an answer.

Once DeMario starts spouting "in order to experience joy, you need pain" quotes to Rachel (who literally has 20 other guys waiting inside for her, 18 of them hotter than DeMario) she's had it. "I'm glad you realized that you need to move forward," says Rachel, gearing up for something good. "But what I need you to understand is that forward isn't that way toward the mansion. Forward is outside of it." Do you understand that, DeMario? Do you smell what the Rachel is cooking? The other bros shuffle their feet behind her hoping they can somehow spin her hate of another man into a love for them. They ask if DeMario is coming back. "Fuck no," says Rachel. 

The Frontrunners

Going back a few episodes, it must be noted that a few frontrunners have already emerged. And they are tall, strapping, brunette white men, because Rachel has a type.  

Bryan is a 37-year-old chiropractor who doesn’t look like his name is really Bryan, like he's really a chiropractor, or like he's really 37-years-old. All of that is a compliment. 

I really liked Bryan because Bryan is hot and speaks Spanish; I could even get past his Dementor-like kissing style…right up until some of the fellas went on a group date to Ellen and it was revealed during a game of Never Have I Ever—always a cool thing to play with eight guys, one gal, and a live studio audience—that half of the guys on the group date had already kissed Rachel. To the half that had not kissed her, this comes as a surprise. Because, I guess, they've never met a human woman and cannot imagine how Rachel might meet 30 dudes, which probably adds up to, like, 150 different abdominal muscles, and want to kiss some of them. To Bryan, this serves as an opportunity for him to showcase that he was the first guy to kiss her, which he unfortunately does by saying to another fella, "You got my sloppy seconds." It is proof that Rachel likes Bryan that she did not whip off her lace-front and cut him with words right there.

The other guy that had already gotten his kiss? Peter, who got the first one-on-one: a romantic day with Copper the Dog. I don’t care if Peter is boring. I would climb that man like a tree—and I would ask him to keep all of his fashionable suits on while I did it.

Of note: Anthony, who Rachel goes on a one-on-one with, riding horses down Rodeo Drive (not a thing, girl, no matter how many times you say it's a thing), might actually be good enough for Rachel…but he seems far too mentally and emotionally intelligent to be long for this world.

Do We Have To?

Honestly, if it weren't for the one incredible conversation regarding a banana during the saga of Lukas and Blake, I wouldn't even get into this because these two are The Worst. Lukas is the guy who nearly gives himself an aneurysm every 10 minutes trying to be funny. His idea of humor is just to scream a word: Whaboom. My idea of humor is listening to all of the other men genuinely not be able to remember what the stupid word he keeps saying is: Whabam? Kabloom? Ska-douche? Who cares!

Blake is the guy who talked about his dick for a full five minutes in his intro package, but thinks Lukas is in this for the wrong reasons. These two somehow know each other from the outside world, because Lukas used to date Blake's roommate, who Blake says is now being evicted from his apartment for calling him a maniac…ladies, try to keep your panties on, okay?

This all comes to a boil when Rachel tells Lukas that Blake has been questioning his reasons for being on the show, and Lukas responds calmly and not at all like a drunken, unhinged person, saying that he recently caught Blake standing over his bed eating a banana while he was sleeping. Blake's response to the claim of a moron: "Heh, impossible. I don't even eat carbs." Blake, you fucking tool.

Let's Detox with a Little…

The Pretty Boy Pitbull, Kenny King. If you had told me my favorite man in this group would be a pro-wrestler who goes by the name of the Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, I would have said…Yeah, Jodi, that sounds exactly like you—nothing has ever sounded more like you. 

But still, I did not expect Kenny, the pro-wrestler with a 10-year-old daughter to be quite so cuddly. He has endeared himself to me if for this quote alone: "Being a wrestler, I know all about white dudes acting crazy. And these white dudes are buggin'." These white dudes are buggin', Kenny, and you are not. Please stay this pure, and continue not to bug. Also, at some point you have to stop leading every conversation with your adorable love for your daughter. Because I don't know if Rachel is ready to be the step-mother to a teen. Mentioning that you used to be a Chippendales dancer, however, is a good start.

Lee Is a Sociopath Who Must Be Stopped and Since I Just Saw Wonder Woman, I Wouldn't Mind If Rachel Donned Leather Armor and Lasso-of-Truth'd His Ass

Ugh, another annoying storyline, but a complex one, at least. Actually…it's not that complex. 

Eric is a young man with Steve Buscemi eyes who has clearly never seen this show, otherwise he would know that if you speak a word about the Bachelor(ette) that sounds like anything less than the complimentary rantings of a stalker, you will be taken to task by some dude named Iggy. See, Eric really likes Rachel, and he's getting frustrated that he can't tell if Rachel likes him back. He wonders aloud to a few friends if Rachel might be keeping her emotions in check since she's dating so many men at once.

And men quite literally come out of the woodwork to tell Eric that he is the devil and he'll never know love.

Listen, I don't really even like Eric that much. He doesn’t seem particularly interesting, and definitely isn't mature enough for Rachel, who could legitimately be the President of the United States right now. But there is no doubt that Lee's sociopathic behavior toward him is fueled by the fact that he thinks Eric is inferior to him. This is obvious because since this season has aired, sleuths have uncovered many a racist tweet from Lee, but also because Lee is a walking microagression with cold, dead shark eyes.

 After Eric naively tries to float the idea that Rachel might be playing this gameshow like a game, some dude named Iggy that you don't need to retain to memory comes out of nowhere to confront him about it. Eric raises his voice because Iggy was out of line, and because sometimes people raise their voices when they're upset and consisting on a diet of protein powder and Belvita breakfast bars.

Lee latches onto the fact that he heard Eric yelling and will not let it go. He tells Rachel that Eric’s aggression made him “uncomfortable” (you code, bro?) and he does’t think Eric is right for her. Rachel asks Eric about it and Eric explains that he just wants some validation; Rachel validates him with the group date rose; Lee demeans and condescends to Eric by repeatedly saying creepy shit like he thinks he's "an amazing person" and he “loves him to death,” but he heard him get "aggressive," and that scared him. Then to the cameras: "I don't care if Eric disrespects me, okay? He means nothing … this is one kid with a bad issue."

Hey Lee, real quick: Fuck. You. You are transparent, and you are dangerous, and this season pretty much rides or dies on how soon Rachel gets rid of you. No pressure, Rach. 

Just kidding, there is a ton of pressure on Rachel for this season to work out okay, and it's very unfair to her. Happy reality TV, everyone! See you back here, hopefully sooner rather than later. My only thoughts on Bachelor in Paradise for now: Sad, sad, sad. Bad, bad, bad.

[goddamnedamericanjedi]

Sebastian Bach remembers Dimebag Darrell

My relationship to this sick series of events goes way back, some 18 years. I joined a band from Detroit called MADAM X back in 1986 and the very first place I ever played on the road, outside of Detroit, was the Alrosa Villa nightclub in Columbus, Ohio. This is my first memory of touring in America. I vividly remember staying at the Red Roof Inn down the street and then rocking the Alrosa . I was 17 at the time and was living my dream of touring the United States, and the Al Rosa Villa was the very first stage I ever set foot on being on the road in the USA. The very first time I ever heard of Dimebag Darrell was way back in late 1986 or early 1987. As the MADAM X tour progressed across America, we played in Ft. Worth Texas at a place called Savvy's, a club legendary for separating the of-age & not-of-age by a chain-link fence, just like in the BLUES BROTHERS. Yes, bottles were whipped and smashed into the fence nightly at this place. We were just about to go on stage when Godzilla, the bass player for MADAM X, ran back into the dressing room, seven foot tall with hair that literally touched the ceiling, as he screamed into the room, 'Dude guess what!!! Fucking PANTERA is here tonight watching the show!! They are all sitting at a table right in front of the stage, I can't fucking believe this!!!' The reason for his excitement was simple. Already, even with their previous lead singer, PANTERA was legendary on the club circuit in the southern states. Even then, almost 20 years ago, Dimebag's innovative guitar playing and showmanship was already the standard to which other guitar players were to be measured. They already had a sizable fan base and reputation as one of the best metal bands you could ever see on a stage. We were extremely excited and honored to jam for this bunch of highly respected musicians. Little did I know at the time what was in store in the future for myself, and the band PANTERA, and how our lives would intertwine in the years to come. The next time I encountered Dime was in my old guitar player Scotti Hill's house.We were writing the song 'Mudkicker' for our forthcoming record. At the time, we were in one of the biggest bands in the world. We had already begun to headline arenas on our own on our first record and we were planning our first USA headline arena tour at the time. The material we were writing for 'Slave to the Grind' was a lot heavier than our first album and we wanted to take out the heaviest, coolest band on the road that we could find. I remember Scotti pulling out 'Cowboys From Hell' at his house on a songwriting break. He said, 'Dude, check out this band, I really dig them,' and that's when I checked out the album sleeve, as he put it on the stereo. Loud. I immediately remembered the band from the MADAM X days, but I had never listened to them before. I couldn't believe my ears. As the opening guitar riff to 'Cowboys From Hell' came out of the speakers, I knew we had found the band we were looking for to come on tour with us. This was like a new kind of JUDAS PRIEST meets ZZ TOP meets VAN HALEN divided by SLAYER equals its own kind of thing. I remember cranking the album and smiling to myself, 'I cannot wait to help introduce this fucking band to North America!' I knew they were gonna blow up huge as soon as the public at large got a chance to feel their power. So we made the decision. SKID ROW was going to bring PANTERA on their first North American arena tour. I remember the first show like it was yesterday. It was New Years Eve '91/'92 in New Orleans, at this arena that was completely circular and I remember watching PANTERA kick ass for the first time that night. As a metalhead first and foremost myself, it was an absolute dream to stand on the side of the stage every night witnessing PANTERA's rise to fame, night after night, city after city. To have those crazy fuckers as my friends was something I will never forget. Everyone knows about the 'lust for life' that was a legendary part of Dimebag's life. Well, let me say that anyone who was there can attest to the fact that we set the fucking standard for 'living it up' on the SKID ROW / PANTERA tour. Tony Wiggins, the bus driver turned backstage legend of MARILYN MANSON fame and PANTERA lore, got his start in this business how? By being Sebastian Bach's personal driver. Tony was my bus driver on the 'Slave' tour and spent every night driving me across the USA, many times with Phil Anselmo, or my road crew, or other crazy freaks 'unwinding' with me on the way to the next city. To read about Tony's exploits in the MARILYN MANSON book makes me feel like a proud papa. Big Val Bichekas; PANTERA, ALICE IN CHAINS, and now Ozzy's personal security guard? The first job Big Val ever had in rock 'n' roll was — you guessed it — Sebastian Bach's personal security guard. Val met PANTERA on the 'Slave' tour and when Ozzy was looking for personal security, Sharon asked Big Val, 'Who have you done security for?' He answered, 'Sebastian Bach was my first. PANTERA was second.' Ozzy hired him right away, and has employed him ever since. I don't know why his resume says so much to others about his experience! Well, if you ever partied with Dimebag you would know why. The SKID ROW / PANTERA tour. So much to say, a lot that can't be remembered. But due to video tape a lot of these insane moments still exist on tape. Dimebag was pretty much always, or 90 percent of the time that I was with him, with a video camera in hand. Three nights ago I watched 'Vulgar Video' for the first time in over 10 years, and I was astonished to find the full version of both bands doing 'Cold Gin' on there, PANTERA in complete KISS garb. Wow. Also the PANTERA / SKID ROW baseball game — a direct example of Dimebag's hilarious prankster personality at work. What actually happened that day was SKID ROW completely destroyed PANTERA on the baseball field, by at least 20 runs, which wasn't hard because they were all sporting the Black Tooth Grin by early afternoon! Hey it was a day off! But when I played 'Vulgar Video' for the first time I remember holding my head in my hands, laughing, due to some major Dimebag digital editing magic!! The baseball segment on the video shows PANTERA kicking the shit out of SKID ROW, 33 - 8, saved for posterity on the shelf of your local Sam Goody's, for all time, all over the world. Unbelievable. Devious. Funny as shit. Some of the best times of our lives. Denver Colorado. Dimebag is running around the arena with his video camera, as usual. On the road now for a couple of months, my throat feels kind of tight and we have a 'rock doctor' in house to check out my pipes. Dimebag runs up to me in the hallway and screams 'DUUUUUUUUUUUDE, what the fuck, are you seeing the Dr. or what? What the fuck?' with his vidcam omnipresent. I tell him 'Yes, I am on my way up the hall to see the doc.' Dimebag: 'CAN I FILM IT?' Me laughing, 'Sure, dude, knock yerself out!' What a nut! So we get to the Dr., who sits me down on the table and gets his stethoscope and selection of mirrors out to stick down my throat. But as he goes to shove this long mirror thing down my neck, there is one thing in the way — Dimebag Darrell. 'DUDE, HOLY SHIT, MAN, YOU GOTS-TA SEE THIS!! I have your complete vocal cords, close-up, on video.' I am sitting there with my head tilted all the way back, mouth open as wide as it can go with a Dr. shoving a mirror into me on one side, with Dimebag Darrell shoving his camera down my throat on the other side. The Dr. says, 'OK, Sebastian say aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh,' and as I do so, Dime screams out, 'Dude, that shit is TIGHT!! I got your chords on close-up it looks fuckin' wild!' He was focusing his camera right on the mirror that the Dr. was using to look at my vocal chords. Every gag, choke, and cough that I did that day was captured by Dime on film. That was Dimebag. Taking a mundane event and turning it into something fun, worth rockumenting, making a cool little memory of something you would otherwise never remember. I have 'seize the day' tattooed on my arm in Latin. Dimebag Darrell seized every day like there was no tomorrow. No matter how hung over he was! Also on 'Vulgar Video' is the shot of PANTERA having a fucking bar-b-q, right in front of the stage while we were doing our show! My memory of that night, in Hannibal, Missouri (I think) was watching Dimebag on his side of the stage open the show. Right when they got to the ending of 'Domination', one of my favorite songs, as they go into that crushing half-time riff at the end, I remember banging my head as hard as I could but not looking around the backstage, and by mistake slamming my head straight into the side fill, as Dimebag ripped out that riff. I saw stars and felt a knot rise up on my skull the size of a bowling ball. I though I might have a concussion or something, but fuck it, we never canceled a show that whole tour and weren't gonna. So I chilled till we went on stage, kinda dizzy. Then as I was on-stage I look into the first row. Before that there was a good 15 feet of sand, we were playing an outdoor show on some sort of beach. In front of the barricade in the 'pit' was Dimebag Darrell, the rest of PANTERA, and my wife Maria all sitting around ........ a bar-b-q!!! Dimebag and Phil were actually cooking hot-dogs and pouring Tequila shots and handing them out to the audience, crew, and band on stage as well! I thought i might be hallucinating because of smashing my head during PANTERA's set, but no. There I am singing '18 & Life' as Dimebag squirts ketchup and mustard all over his beef frank, and as I get into the song I look out at Dime looking straight into my eyes offering me a hot dog mouthing the words, 'Duuuuuuuude! You want a bite of this delicious wiener bro, c'mon!!!' as everyone is laughing their guts out and my wife is next to Dimebag doing shots of tequila and having potato salad. Then in 'Youth Gone Wild', in the drum breakdown, seeing the whole crowd singing the words, holding up, in unison, ...... hot dogs! Thanks Dime, I do remember they tasted good!!!! My wife got along great with Dime. I can't remember where, some bar in the USA, but Rita, Dime's girl, was there, wearing John Lennon style rose-tinted round mirrored glasses, only with a pot leaf design on each eye. She gave me the shades as a present at the end of the night, which was very cool. During this night, Maria, my wife, had a drinking contest with Dimebag. There is some dispute as to what happened next. I remember Maria and Dime doing 33 shots of Tequila — between them both. Maria, however, seriously remembers — and do not try this at home — her and Dimebag both — doing 33 shots of tequila, each! I think this is physically impossible, but this was over the course of a full evening, and our tolerance was way up back then, so while I hope I am right and Maria is wrong about this, I must admit that if anyone could do this it would have to be Dimebag Darrell!!!! 'Getcha Pull' indeed!!!!! All this mayhem was not without consequence. When we all checked into the hotel in Philadelphia (I think), I had my own bus with Tony Wiggins and Big Val. Someone called my big clunky cellphone (a rarity in those days) and informed our bus that we would not be checking into the hotel that we were on our way to. Both bands had been kicked out of the hotel before I got there. The story I got was that Snake and Dimebag each did a tab of fucking acid, and as the tour managers were checking into the hotel, Dimebag took a knife to one of the leather couches in the hotel lobby, ripping it to shreds and getting both bands permanently banned from the premises! A lot of crazy shit went down in those days and a story like this was just par for the course on this tour. A month or so into the tour, PANTERA released 'A Vulgar Display Of Power'. Prior to this, the band was touring with us without a new album to support. But when 'Vulgar' came out after touring the USA with us for a month or so, the album came straight into the Billboard charts in the top 40 and remains to this day one of the greatest albums of all time. The day after it came into the charts, we were playing Vancouver BC at the PNE and Phil walked straight into our dressing room, 'Hey Bierk. I want a leather couch, full lights, full stage, sound check, blah blah blah.' He was joking around with a list of demands due to the 'new level' that he was now on. It was hilarious and we were all laughing but the point was made. PANTERA was now a big fucking band and from here on out, it was nothing but onward and upward for PANTERA. Dimebag had a 4-track recorder on the road with him at the time. I can remember many nights in his hotel room, getting drunk & recording songs. One particular highlight was Dimebag's version of 'Slave To The Grind' that he recorded on his own, re-titled 'Krell & Dykes'. 'KRELL & DYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYKES' went the chorus. Most of you know what dykes are, maybe some of you know what krell is, but Dime made a version of 'Slave To The Grind' with lyrics describing these two areas of interest on this particular tour that was truly a moment in music I wish you all could hear! He gave me a tape of it over 10 years ago, I hope I still have it. If you don't know what krell is, I am not going to tell you! But for those of you with a nose for this kind of thing, I hope one day I can find my copy of Dimebag Darrell's 'Krell & Dykes' and when I do I will post it on the net if it is not too incriminating!! We also had one night where I sang a ballad of Dime's into the 4-track as the sun was coming up. We were so drunk I couldn't stop laughing and Dime too, I just remember him saying 'C'mon, Bierk!!! I KNOW you can do it!!!' But both of us were so drunk I remember more laughing than singing going on that night. Still I know we did at least three tracks of vocals, harmonies and doubling etc., even at 7-8 am with 12 hours of drinking in us, Dime was ready to do what he did best — create rock'n'roll music like you never heard before. After the SKID ROW / PANTERA tour, my next major involvement with Dimebag was a band that we formed together. Named 'SEBASTIAN BACH'S ROCK BUDS', we started the band after I was asked by High Times magazine to play at a benefit in Manhattan at the Limelight. All proceeds would go to the National Organization for the Reformation of Marijuana Laws (NORML). I thought this was a cool idea and they said I could play with whoever I wanted. So, first on my list was Dimebag Darrell. I called him up and he said 'Sure dude. Name the time & place and I will be there! Let's get Rex on bass!' So Rex Brown joined up, along with Bam Bam McConnell on drums and Snake on guitar. Andy McCoy from HANOI ROCKS also came up for a tune, although Dimebag refused to jam with him! The majority of the set was SKID / PANTERA; we did 'Slave', 'New Level', 'Walk', 'Monkey Business', and 'Cowboys From Hell', I think. I have this show on video in perfect condition and it is obviously something I treasure now. Dimebag came up 2 or 3 days before the show and stayed at my house. Rex stayed at Snake's. We rehearsed for the gig at SIR in Manhattan. I remember rehearsing for the gig in 'rehearsal mode', which was doing the songs but not putting alot of sweat into it. Dimebag said to everyone, 'What the fuck is this? Where is the sweat? The fire?' I said to him something lame like, 'Oh, it's just rehearsal dude.You wanna rehearse like we are actually on stage, that's cool.' Dime shot back at me 'IS THERE ANY OTHER FUCKING WAY???' I will never forget him saying that. I totally understood what he was saying and ever since then there is no 'rehearsal mode / stage mode' bullshit. Dime did it full out all the time: 'IS THERE ANY OTHER FUCKING WAY???' Not for Dimebag Darrell. Dimebag was also one of the most of the professional persons in the business. Yes he could out drink you under the table and into the gutter, but he also firmly believed that there was a time and a place for everything. We were all doing all sorts of shit back then, but I can remember Dimebag pulling me aside somewhere saying, dude, you 'wake & bake' don't ya? C'mon, I know ya do. I used to do that shit myself. Have a bong right next to the bed, and hit that shit as soon as I fucking woke up. But I learned you cannot do that shit dude! For real! You get a fax or a phone call or something and you are too high to deal with that shit!! That shit is not good dude!!' The fact that he would pull a friend of his aside to try and help them if he thought they needed it was a testament to the fact that Dimebag cared about others. You hear a lot about how much the man loved to party, but I also remember him being strict about putting things in their proper place. Having his shit together at all times was ultimately way more important to Dimebag than just being shitfaced 24/7. The man could not create the music he did or put on the shows he did without being at the top of his game at all times, which Dimebag always was. 1998. I am on my very first tour of the USA as a solo artist. We are playing Pittsburgh PA at a place called Graffiti's. I get the message, PANTERA is coming to the show tonight! This is totally cool, I am on the road trying to re-establish myself & here come some of my old buds to cheer me on. Shit doesn't get any better than this. But wait... it does! Vinnie Paul shows up at the gig and gets pretty drunk, big surprise! Then he comes on stage at the end of the set and grabs the mike and screams 'Hey Pittsburgh!!! This motherfucker took us on our first ever arena tour of the USA!!!' Big cheer. Then he says something totally unexpected. 'And we are gonna take this motherfucker on his first fucking arena tour!!!!!!!!!!!' The place goes nuts. I look at my bandmates and we all look at each other in disbelief. I start to laugh, because I don't know whether it is Vinnie talking, or the vats of Crown Royal he has consumed over the evening. For me to go on tour in arenas in my solo band in the USA was a big fucking deal. We had no record out or even a label at that time. The only reason for PANTERA to take us on the road was simple — rock & roll, and a friendship that went far beyond normal music business corporate sensibilities. When I got back home, I could not believe my eyes. Right there in the fax machine, as I walked in the front door, was a fax from PANTERA's booking agent with three weeks of arena shows in the USA that they wanted my solo band to open! Vinnie told me that he told Dimebag about seeing us in Pittsburgh, and Dime said 'Let's bring that fucker out!' as a kind of 'thanks' for us bringing them out in 1992. I will never, ever forget this act of generosity on the part of PANTERA. For a band to ignore to industry to the point that PANTERA did is something that I doubt we will ever see again. To put me on stage in front of 20,000 people a night in 1998, like I did for them in 1992, is one of the highlights of my life. On the road with me at the time was Jimmy Flemion of THE FROGS on guitar. He made THE DARKNESS look like Perry Como in the stage costume department. Jimmy would come on-stage in full 7-foot green sequin wings, making him look like a giant, which accentuated his frame — the man stands 6' 6" tall with ease. To go out on-stage every night looking like a heavy metal Liberace in front of PANTERA, the most hardcore fucking audience you could ever play for, took gonads of steel. The last night of the tour, in Dayton Ohio @ Hare Arena, I turn around and what do I see? Dimebag Darrell, in his own custom made full 7-foot green paper mache wings, flying around the stage looking like Mothra on acid. He had spent all day backstage making his own set of Flemion wings, then rocked along side us in a paper mache 7-foot wingspan. I read that the shooter, who shall remain nameless, attended this exact show in 1998, in Dayton, Ohio. That makes me sick. To know one of the most fun nights in my life was actually shared with this scumbag watching us blows my mind. It is hard to think about. Also, what is it about Columbus? Not only was it the first place I ever played on the road, it is the exact city where my run as Jesus in 'Jesus Christ Superstar' came to an unexpected end. I also talked to Rick, the owner of the Alrosa, on a cellphone the night before the play ended. Things seem to start and end in Columbus. Weird, but perhaps worth mentioning. After we left the PANTERA tour in '98 Dimebag still kept in touch. When we played Dallas in a club in the Deep Ellum district, I turn around backstage before the show & who is standing there in the (cramped) quarters but none other than Dimebag Darrell! He has brought along Dave Williams, the late lead singer for DROWNING POOL, two PANTERA crew dudes, and 3 or 4 members of the Dallas Stars hockey team. Everyone is doing shots (trying something new!) and me and Dime are catching up before the show. He asks me if it's ok if he films the show. 'Sure', I say. Then halfway through the show, Dave Williams comes onstage and rips right into his famous 'Sebastian Bach impression!' This dude had me down better than I do myself! Dimebag was the camera man, on his back onstage filming me doing me, and Dave Williams doing me, together onstage, running between our legs and jumping around trying to get the best shot. We had a kickass time that night and Dime told me the band fucking rocked. I remember him really checking us out and giving me opinions etc. after the show. The man cared, plain and simple. Around 1999 I was called by producer and friend Michael Wagener to record some songs for an upcoming Randy Rhoads tribute album. He told me to contact guitarist friends of mine to see if they wanted to participate. Again, Dimebag Darrell was at the top of my list. We called him up and I got him on the horn and he was totally into the project. We collaborated on the song 'Believer' and it is one of the most treasured moments of my career in the studio. Dimebag's lead totally shreds, of course! I am just glad I got to record at least one song with the best metal guitar player of all time. Wish I could have done more! Dimebag was also not afraid, ever, to tell it like it is. I remember being at his club in Dallas, one night after a show. He was rolling his eyes at me, drunk, like he wanted to tell me something. Finally at the end of the night, I said to him 'Dude what up? You wanna tell me something?' He kept rolling his eyes and then said to me — loud — 'Duuuuuuuuuuude, you know why people talk shit behind your back dude? Because they don't fucking understand you!' I could tell he thought this was important to tell me. 'But you know what, mutherfucker? I am so crazy that I UNDERSTAND YOU! Yes I fucking do! FFFuuccckk!!!!! I UNDERSTAND your crazy ass, man!!!!' He slobbered into my face. But I could tell he meant what he said. He was telling me that he was so nuts that he actually even understood me, which was a backhanded way of telling me he dug what I did and for me to keep on doing it. He was a smart guy and said alot of heavy things amidst an insane world of rock'n'roll fantasy. As someone whom I respected as a fan, and as a friend, it meant a lot to me for him to say shit like that to me. Which is why I always cranked his music to get psyched for a show. Two days before he died, we were playing Istanbul, Turkey for the first time. After the show, we had a six-hour drive to the next town, Ankara, Turkey, where we had a gig on December 8 (Ralph Santolla's birthday, and the night Darrell and John Lennon were killed). On the way to the show, at about four in the morning, we stopped by the side of the road to get gas and something to eat. Unbelievably, they had about 30 cassettes for sale. One of these cassettes, on the side of the road in Turkey, was PANTERA's 'Far Beyond Driven'. This was crazy we thought, 'Holy Shit' we all exclaimed, 'They sell fucking PANTERA cassettes on the side of the road in Turkey, how crazy is that!!' In retrospect, it is quite strange that PANTERA was there in amongst mostly Turkish music cassettes. Needless to say we bought the tape and played it on repeat till we got to Ankara at around 8 am. I remember drifting off to sleep looking outside the window looking at the Turkish countryside, listening to 'Becoming' thinking how fucking cool Dimebag's guitar sounded. 24 hours later, he would no longer be alive on this planet. It still makes no sense... My favorite Dimebag Darrell memory of all was when he was staying at my house for the 'Rock Buds' gig. It was late morning in my house and I was awoken by the delicious smell of bacon being cooked downstairs. I got out of bed to go find Dimebag and wake him up. I went downstairs, and then to his guest room, but I could not find Dimebag. On my way back downstairs to the kitchen, I peeked my head into my son Paris' room, who was about 7 at the time. There was Dimebag Darrell, sitting in a little kids' toy chair, playing my son's miniature Gibson guitar, which was plugged into his mini Marshall Stack! 'Hey, Dime' I said, 'Dude, c'mon downstairs, breakfast is ready bro!! Maria made french toast and bacon let's get it on!!!!!!!' Dimebag said to me, 'Hold up, bro!! I am doing something here, hold it up! Hang on one second I am teaching your boy somethin'!!' He had been in my sons room showing him guitar riffs all morning. He thought this was an important thing to do, and the memory of Dimebag sitting in my kids room showing him guitar chords is etched in my mind forever. We all went downstairs, me, Dime, and Paris, and along with Maria, we enjoyed a home cooked breakfast of french toast, maple syrup, bacon and coffee. He loved the meal and let us all know how much he appreciated our hospitality. I remember it like yesterday. Because even though he was the greatest metal guitar player ever, he was also something even more important and impressive than that: a great human being. Someone you would be proud to have at your dinner table. Someone you could trust with your own children. That was Dimebag Darrell. A classy, talented, one-of-a-kind guy with 'Hulk Blood' and the Ace Frehley solo album cover tattooed on his flesh. A friend. A God. Stronger Than All. I Remember You Dimebag Darrell! You are an inspiration to me the rest of my life. Love and Respect, Sebastian Bach

[thebuttsmcgee]

@ god you either kill me right now or you stop your shit

[auburnfamilynews]

Week Two of the college football season is the most dangerous in my opinion. For some, the results from Week One are so good that almost any result will give you moment for pause going to Week Two. While others, well others get the crushing reality confirmed that they are a sad sack of bad football teams. The latter is what we like to focus on here are the Roasted and luckily, we have corralled those lonesome cowpokes in a proverbial circling of the wagons we call, the BOOM! Roasted!

ROCKY BOTTOM

Did anyone have a worse Week One than the Tennessee Vols? First, Monty loses the Smokey Skipper to the bottom of the Tennessee River and Monty didn’t think it could get any worse. The Vol Football team said, “Hold my PBR bro.” and proceeded to take an apathetic dumb on the field and fell to the Georgia State Panthers. Well, at least its in the past right? Wrong, as throughout last week, this was driving up and down Peachtree Street in Atlanta…

A truck was driving riding around Atlanta showing the Georgia State vs Tennessee game. This level of petty I can support. @Chase_Miller5 pic.twitter.com/gLEPfU9fcf

— Everything Georgia (@GAFollowers) September 3, 2019

Ok, so that isn’t optimal for the Vols, but hey, new week, new opportunity to impress right??

Well…it didn’t start off well as the Cougars didn’t want any of Tennessee’s equipment to get tripped over during play…

A BYU lineman chucked Tennessee QB Jarrett Guarantano's shoe in the first quarter. pic.twitter.com/Y5u3yRg83w

— ESPN College Football (@ESPNCFB) September 8, 2019

It’s just courteous too keep a clean field. Joseph Smith would be proud of you sir.

As far as the game went, Tennessee actually played well and held a 16-13 lead with less than 30 seconds to go and the Cougs were inside their own 20 yard line, but that didn’t mean the game was over by any means…

Tennessee’s secondary breakdown allowing BYU to force OT. pic.twitter.com/zazfpUSm0l

— Tyler Ivens (@TylerIvens) September 8, 2019

That would lead to a FG with 5 seconds left and then Overtime.

Both teams would score TDs in the first overtime, followed by a 3 and out FG from Tennessee, who took the 26-23 lead…but that wasn’t safe for long.

BYU beats Tennessee @ UT! Vols are 0-2! LMAO! Go Gators! pic.twitter.com/co4s17z4H5

— Everything Gator (@EverythingGator) September 8, 2019

Which was immediately followed by

BYU 29, Tennessee 26 Tennessee is 0-2 for the first time since 1988. pic.twitter.com/xrPARBJMMH

— Yahoo Sports (@YahooSports) September 8, 2019

And…

It doesn’t matter if Tennessee is playing Georgia State, BYU or Alabama, this is how their fans always look after games. pic.twitter.com/aCDRSHVNRA

— Tyler Garret Smith (@ArenaFanatic) September 8, 2019

We all remember this graph from last week but man…how sad funny is it this week.

At the time Zach Wilson was tackled in bounds, the clock running with less than 30 seconds left, and BYU roughly 45 yards outside of field goal range, Tennessee had a 99.6% chance to win the football game. pic.twitter.com/jLSqRRW7fF

— Joel Silverberg (@JoelSilverberg) September 8, 2019

The truly sad part about this is, I really haven’t made a joke yet and you are still giggling about how bad this is. That’s because it is. Tennessee is 0-2 for the first time since 1988….1988!!! Our own Ryan Sterritt needs to have things that old explained to him like he is a 2nd grader! The worst part about that is, Tennessee has been made for a decade AND THEY’VE NEVER BEEN THIS BAD TO BE 0-2 ON THE YEAR!!!

TAGGART WATCH 2019: COMPLETELY HYDRATED

Last week, Coach Taggart questioned if the Noles had been properly hydrated and that may have contributed to the loss. So…a team from the state of Florida, was playing at home in Florida, against a team from Idaho, and played in the same weather conditions as the opposing team….Ok there coach.

Obviously the fans were paying attention to coach’s comments and realized they weren’t hydrated enough for Saturday and just stayed home.

Doak Campbell Stadium just before kickoff for #FSU-ULM pic.twitter.com/ixgb2dF5wI

— Wayne McGahee III (@WayneMcGaheeIII) September 7, 2019

Ready to rock here at Doak Campbell Stadium. FSU honoring its 2019 Hall of Fame class in an on-field ceremony. Mike Martin among this year’s inductees. Kickoff between FSU and ULM in about 18 minutes. pic.twitter.com/5gHNmZtXSd

— Tim Linafelt / FSU (@Tim_Linafelt) September 7, 2019

Anywho, the Noles looked to bounce back against Louisiana-Monroe and had just one phrase in mind.

Entering Week 2 for FSU. ‘Noles face ULM. This is the image downstairs by the athlete dining hall. Last week, a game of Boise State was on loop on this TV. Taggart’s presser is set for noon. We’ll have updates in our live thread at https://t.co/bjGaBhNRX5 pic.twitter.com/Y1oZzZCm9y

— Brendan Sonnone (@BSonnone) September 2, 2019

Well, just like last week, it looked like FSU had found itself and raced out to a 24-7 lead at the half. However, just 12 minutes of game time later…

FSU is being outplayed by Louisiana Monroe @ home. And ULM is talking big shit‼️ #ComebackKids#EmbraceTheSuck#FSPoo pic.twitter.com/HhjIn07D9r

— KappaCane (@KappaCane) September 7, 2019

OUCH!

OUUUUUCH! That whole segment of video is just an awful look no matter who you are!

This forced FSU into an…untraditional formation to try and befuddle the Warhawks…

FSU player tried to transfer to ULM midgame? pic.twitter.com/zHFNZqoFaY

— Beanbag Boys 4 Life (@HesGoingtoScore) September 8, 2019

You aren’t wrong. LET’S DIVE IN FOR A BETTER LOOK!

Mike Collins did say FSU was going to throw some different stuff at ULM. pic.twitter.com/mDjQTE98eS

— Adam Hunsucker (@Adam_Hunsucker) September 8, 2019

Remember a few years ago when a wideout faked a heart attack as apart of a play? Well, dang nab it if those sneaky Noles didn’t find a way to one up it! Looks like we are gonna have to reset the X-Box 360 cause NCAA 14 has that glitch again!

In the end, the game would go to overtime and FSU would need a ULM missed extra point or we might still be playing. To say that Coach Willie’s seat is hot is an understatement as he has reach scorching levels of 3rd degree burn. Next week, the Noles travel to Charlottesville for a matchup against the Whoos…and boy will that be fun.

NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER MIDNIGHT

If there are two things Auburn fans know, it’s the PAC-12 conference race and rain delays. Ok, maybe not the PAC-12 race but we do know the Huskies of Washington. Last year’s season opening opponent, had a solid year and ended up winning the PAC-12 championship. This year Jacob Eason (the former Georgia Bulldog) takes over under center and everything looked good after Week One as the Huskies downed Eastern Washington with ease as they prepared for the conference opener against Cal. Well Mother Nature wanted them to wait a bit.

I don’t think Cal and Washington will be playing anytime soon. pic.twitter.com/pqYa0rb6ej

— Meatball Duck (@timetravelduck) September 8, 2019

I am an unofficial expert after this week, following a hurricane and all and that doesn’t seem good, but I mean it could just be a radar blip.

A little taste of what is flashing around Husky Stadium pic.twitter.com/cgf1nTWXMb

— Tim Booth (@ByTimBooth) September 8, 2019

Ok so not a radar blip…that looks rough. After a lengthy delay, they decided to start back up at 10:30 local time. That means 12:30 real folks time and they were midway through the 1st half!

We are back! When play resumes at 10:30 p.m. the Huskies will have the ball at their own 37-yard line. Cal & Washington combined for 26 total yards before the 2-plus hour delay due to lightning. pic.twitter.com/sJLyNZdahf

— Lars Hanson (@LarsHanson) September 8, 2019

As for the game, it was really sloppy as you could imagine with Washington only scoring one TD on the night but coupled that with four Field Goals to take a late 19-17 lead with just 2 minutes left to play in the game. The Huskie D couldn’t stop Cal though and that set up this.

For those that missed it, Cal upset #14 Washington on a field goal in the final seconds of the game. The game was in a weather delay and finished around 4:30 AM EST. Huge hit to Washington’s PAC-12 & College Football Playoff hopes. #CALvsWASH pic.twitter.com/uQgfHEjXOK

— CFB Kings (@CFBKings) September 8, 2019

That happened at 2:22 am Pacific Time. 4:22 am Central time.

I can just imagine a pastor waking up for church and somehow left it on FS1 after watching the LSU-Texas sprint, and thinking that this was a replay of the Washington-Cal game…nope, that’s live my friend. Pac-12 After Dark has started off strong again friends, and we are only in week two!

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2019/9/9/20856397/boom-roasted-week-two

[shrubforhire]

Asks 1-99

i rly thought i was in the clear,,,

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? inevitable by orla gartland nine in the afternoon by panic! fake happy by paramore epic III from hadestown say my name from beetlejuice haunted house by sir babygirl

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? hayley williams

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. Tally ran toward the garden.

4: What do you think about most? going back to school

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? Good! Morning!

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? clothes on,,, my family dont b respectin boundaries how yall live like that

7: What’s your strangest talent? i can make my eyes shake

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) girls... are so pretty and wonderful and they could do whatever they want to me. boys.... can be p cool sometimes

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? yes!!!! my girlfriend wrote me a sonnet eeeeee

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? i......cant remember

11: Do you have any strange phobias? nah

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? probably

13: What’s your religion? jew by blood

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? going somewhere else

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind, i always look weird on camera

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? paramore

17: What was the last lie you told? i told my mom her fitbit isnt a worse model

18: Do you believe in karma? yea

19: What does your URL mean? i made it when i was finally mostly sure i was a lesbian but it kinda leaves some ambiguity. and now its just kinda like hey maybe lets not

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? im super insecure; im persistent

21: Who is your celebrity crush? stephanie scott

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? no

23: How do you vent your anger? pacing & long walks, doing something else

24: Do you have a collection of anything? i have hella pokemon dolls i used to collect

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? i like talking on the phone cause then im not thinking abt my appearance the whole time

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? almost

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? knife on a plate; hot metal going into liquid

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? what if they dont like me

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yea, and no

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. a pillow. my own leg

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? nothing lol, its just air

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? texas

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? east coast

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? uhhhhhh,,,,, i guess like a younger billie joe armstrong

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? to be happy!

36: Define Art. something that makes you feel stuff!

37: Do you believe in luck? yea

38: What’s the weather like right now? sunny, but not deadly hot yet

39: What time is it? 10:43

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? yes, no i have not yet knock on wood babeyyy

41: What was the last book you read? boleslavsky lmao

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? YES

43: Do you have any nicknames? lil c, mini straub

44: What was the last film you saw? arthur

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? i tripped and my cheek got stabbed with the corner of a coffee table and i had to get stitches

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? no

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? musescore

48: What’s your sexual orientation? less bien

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? not rly lol, no ones rly cared enough to do tht

50: Do you believe in magic? a lil

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? yes, but after 4 years i give them a second chance

52: What is your astrological sign? taurusss

53: Do you save money or spend it? save

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? a subway sandwich

55: Love or lust? love

56: In a relationship? y e s hehehhhe

57: How many relationships have you had? techincally, 3. but the first 2 lasted for like 2 weeks so they really dont count. p much just this 1

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no :(

59: Where were you yesterday? at work lol

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? a spray bottle

61: Are you wearing socks right now? no ;)

62: What’s your favourite animal? giraffe

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? god i wish i had one,,, usually just tryna not b annoying lol

64: Where is your best friend? at rehearsal

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. positivewlwvibes lesbian-bottom-memes meaningfulsuggestion okay-pie atomicanderson haha bitchessssss

66: What is your heritage? white people soup

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? watching danny gonzalez 

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? hellman

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? no, i only clock out when I've worked my 9 hours. but noice q 69

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? yea,, i send memes and im a crackhead

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? this job is seasonal bitch,,,, save that mf pupper

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? i would tell my pals, i would spend all of my money doing dumb shit, and id be scared as fuck bitch!!

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. this is a weird fucking q. i guess trust bc its a form of love

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? girls like girls

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 6071

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? communication, checking in w the other person, making sure everything is all good

77: How can I win your heart? playing a song,,,,, bonus points if u wrote it ohymogd

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? yes absolutely

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? moving away from home for college

80: What size shoes do you wear? 6 1/2

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? pepparoni and chaese

82: What is your favourite word? effervescent 

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. tubes

84: What is a saying you say a lot? we cant all be winners

85: What’s the last song you listened to? i got you by karmin

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? lavender and p much any pastels

87: What is your current desktop picture? the gravity falls floating stan balloon that says i eat kids

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? i’d say trump, but then we’d have pence and it would be worse. 

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? idk,, theres so much embarrassing shit you could ask me i rly cant narrow it down

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? say whats up bro

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? telekinesis

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? going to the beach w pals and riding bikes and looking at the ocean :’)

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? my dads existence rofl

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? hayley. mf. williams

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? maryland

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? not anymore!

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? nope

98: Ever been on a plane? yup

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? raid the ice concentration camps

[n4lentertainmentltd]

Chapter V

Long Long Long, Yards... But;;;

Young awoke with a start a few hours later. It was about 5 P.M. That staying up all night stuff always caught up with him. In all his excitement about orientation, he had forgotten that I he’d neglected to sleep the night before. Theo looked well rested when we saw him. 

Some guys get all the luck.

Young got up to check his phone and saw that he had five missed calls and three voicemails. He had missed calls from his Mom, his sister Serenity, Angelica, Russ, and BrisQuo. 

You have three new messages: 

Message one:

BEEP

Mama: Hey Young, this is Mom calling. Just calling to make sure that you made it there safely. I hope you all had a safe trip to the Orientation...

Message deleted. 

Message two: 

BEEP

Angelica: Hey baby! I miss you. I hope your ride to Austin was good and the Light-Skinned Nigga Coalition isn’t hot on your trail! I hope you have a great time and I can’t wait to hear all about it. 

Message saved. 

Message three: 

BEEP

Russ: Hey Bro, this Russ. We tried to wake your ass up. 

(BrisQuo: Tell him get his bitch ass up!)

Russ: BrisQuo said get your bitch ass up. We over here about to go grab some food at the Food Spot. Get up and come eat nigga.

Young checked the time of the message; it was about 20 minutes ago. 

I could still catch them.

He got up, washed his Face, and brushed his teeth. As he stared in the mirror, he looked back at a recharged face and body ready for action. He searched through his case blindly for a hand towel to wash his face, and then settled on using the towel BrisQuo had at the end of his bed.

He held the towel with his eyes squeezed shut as hard as he could. 

“Lord, please bless this towel to be cleansed in the event it was a nut rag or cum holder. May your blessings be with me.” 

He then hastily dried his Face on the towel. Placing it ever so gently in the same position it was in when he picked it up. He called Russ back as he walked out the door of the dorm. It was a warm day but the sun was finally beginning its long decent. It wouldn’t be dark, until 8, but the dropping of the sun into the horizon would help bring them out of the triple digit heat slaughter they were experiencing.

When Russ picked up the phone it sounded like there was a lot of commotion in the background. He told Young to meet them at a Food Spot at the bottom of 21st. He walked out, headed due East in the direction of The Food Spot. 

There were dozens upon dozens of beautiful women walking down the street. There were: booty shorts, bikinis, and sundresses. Young didn’t know what to do! The most shocking thing was that none of them were Black women. They were all White. 

Blondes. 

Brunettes. 

Redheads. 

But not one sistah in the bunch. 

Hope these snow bunnies don’t melt.

He walked down 21st past the huge gym. It was the largest gym he had ever seen. It sat across from, the top three B-School in, the country; the dorms were caddy corner. Young got to the bottom of 21st in ten minutes. He walked into The Food Spot searching for BrisQuo and Russ. He peeked over the other Orientation attendees. Eyes stopping here and there to dwell on eye candy. 

Still waiting to see a Black woman. 

Still. 

No. 

Luck.

He spotted BrisQuo and Russ over in the corner of the restaurant. He rushed in line to order his food.

“Let me get a uhhhh... Number Three with extra fries. Everything on it.” He said to the cashier. 

“That’ll be 8.85.” she replied.

“Does it come with a drink?” Young asked.

“No it doesn’t you can add one for 2.00.” she said.

“Damn. 2.00 for a drink!? Does it come in a gold cup and come with a platinum straw?” He joked.

She looked back at him Stone Faced. “Drink or what sir?”

“I’ll have a Pepsi. Thanks...”

As someone that worked in fast food, Young felt entitled to give other fast food workers a hard- time. 

Working all day serving customers can get tiring and sometimes you need a laugh.

He was unsuccessful in brining that Young Lady cheer though. 

Wouldn’t be the first time.

Young pulled out his student ID card to pay and handed it to the cashier. She swiped it and handed it back to him. 

“Thanks.” She said dryly and handed him the Number Twelve. 

They would call for him when the food got ready. He took the ticket, and walked over to BrisQuo and Russ. They were both almost done eating and laughing about something when he walked over.

“Damn nigga you got somebody pregnant?” BrisQuo asked. “I thought your ass was gonna sleep until tomorrow.”

“Naw Nigga aint nobody pregnant. Not with the way I pull out. I’m the Pull Out Champ.” Young proclaimed.

“Naw Nigga sometimes it be too good to pull out.” Russ said.

“This nigga sleeping in the pussy Young.” BrisQuo replied laughing as he spoke.

“NUMBER 12!” 

“Aw shit that’s me!” Young said. “Bro that shit was 10 bucks!” He said walking towards the cashier pulling his pants up as he walked. It was okay to sag but the key was to not have your whole ass hanging out. He usually would get his sag, just right, then put the belt in at that point. 

Sort of defeats the purpose.

“What y’all Niggas was laughing about when I first walked up?” Young asked as he sat down. As soon as he smelled his food he realized he hadn’t eaten since before they left Dallas. He was starving. He grabbed a hand full of fries and shoved them into his mouth as he waited to find out what was so funny.

“That time Russ ordered ‘limons’ instead of ‘lemons’” BrisQuo said.

***

The server walked over. She was about 5’5”. She was a brunette with a dark tan. From her appearance, she had Hispanic features. She was not wearing a nametag. She walked up to Russ, after the Dallas Troop had finished their appetizers. 

“Can I get you anything else?”

“Yes.” Russ replied, “Can I get a glass of agua with límon.” He asked beaming, as if very pleased with himself.

“Huh?” The woman replied.

“You know.” Russ answered. “Límons.”

“You mean ‘lemon’ nigga?” The woman said and stomped off.

“This Nigga really think he was speaking Spanish!” BrisQuo said. 

*****

Young and BrisQuo began reenacting the entire scene over and over at the table full of roaring laughter. They never let him live it down. 

“In my defense she looked real good. Nigga I was tryna get bonus points!” Russ said raising his arms in a shooting motion. 

“Yeah right. Whatever nigga” Young said. “What we bout to get into?”

“Me and Soulful about to go shopping on The Drag. We need to get school stuff for the family.” BrisQuo said. “Y’all more than welcome to come if y’all want to.” 

  “Naw Bro. I’m going to pass on that one this time.” Young said. 

“Me too.” Russ chimed in.

“Let’s go get a look at the places we have to meet on the agenda for tomorrow.” Young said looking in Russ’s direction.

“Hell yeah, I’m down.” Russ said.

Young finished his burgers in a flash. It was gone before the story about Russ and his “límons” was finished. He wiped his mouth and swallowed the last bit of his Pepsi. They continued to talk, even after, their food was finished.

“Y’all seen they got an optional performance tonight. The Student Guides are putting it on.” BrisQuo said.

  “Oh ok. What time it start?” Young asked.

“It start at like 8. It’s like 6:30 now.” Russ said.

“Ok we got time to go look around then go to that then. Huh?” Young asked Russ. 

“Yeah that works.”

“You and Soulful coming BrisQuo?” Young asked.

“It depends on when we finish what we doing. I can’t call it right now.”

“Right on. Let us know if you decide to go.” Russ said.

“Bet.” BrisQuo said.

With that, they all dapped each other up, and went their separate ways. BrisQuo headed up 21st to The Drag where all the stores and souvenir stands were located. Russ and Young pulled out their agendas and found maps of the campus at the front of The Food Spot. They had a few stops they had to make that were the same, and a few that were different. Some of the places they stopped at were places for Financial Aid Seminars and other Informational Events. They decided to hit the ones that were alike first, and if there were time, they would visit their different individual places as well.

They walked talking about the present State of their lives. Russ worked at a red target in produce. He was beginning a new job with a hot new energy company in Texas. Young told him about the woes of being a manager at The Chick & Strip. 

“How are things going with you and Angelica?”

“Great!” Young said.

“Sonya is still beat up about it.” Russ replied.