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milesonthenet · 1 year ago

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Ranking all Scooby Doo, Where Are You? Villains

Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you? We got some work to do now Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you? We need some help from you now

Welcome to the House of Milesverse - during the spooky season! I look forward to talking to you guys on why THIS is one of my favorite posts. Scooby Doo is one of the franchises closest to my heart, alongside Transformers, and DC Comics.

There are a lot of franchises close to my heart, okay?

The original Scooby-Doo was one of my favorite shows to watch all the time.

Anyways, today we are going to be ranking some of the most dastardly, dubious, and most DANGEROUS caper masterminds. Today, we rank; Scooby Doo, Where Are You's SCARIEST villains.

Here are the rules:

I am doing this solely from my perspective, on which villains I found scary either upon first seeing it or on rewatch.

I am doing this specifically based on the first iteration of the series. Anything from Scrappy, or beyond, is not in my interest for now.

Last but not least? Just have fun reading this. I mean, if you were not having fun, why would you read it?

Let's get started.

No. 27-25: Frankenstein, Wolfman, Dracula, Gaggle of Galloping Ghosts

Naturally these three wind up dead less, just from appearance alone. I mean, they are basically the Universal monsters but not with any of the things that make them legitimately scary. There's no panache, it's all just boring.

These THREE monsters and a gypsy disguise were used by Big Bob Oakley. Known as 'The Actor', he is a master of disguises. He is also a wanted man in seven states. I am very curious what he was wanted for.

I just think that there are more interesting versions of these monsters that you can see. At least for the Wolfman (Werewolf), and Dracula (Other... Dracula? Gramps the Vamp) monsters. Scooby Doo has never shied away from creating somewhat interesting threats.

For what it's worth? Franken Castle makes for a delightful-looking design. I think Scooby Doo always rocks the castle aesthetic when it comes to investigation. Although, I would certainly hope there are more fun-looking castles in the franchise.

No. 24: The Witch Doctor, Decoy for a Dognapper

I really - really have no idea what to say about this one. So the guy is a witch doctor, and that is actually what he is dressed like. There really does not feel like there is enough to say about this guy. He kidnaps dogs for his dog smuggling operation.

For what it's worth? His transmitted projection of Geronimo was pretty cool as a gimmick. It was also very, very dated. He has a scheme that I would argue is different from most Scooby-Doo villains. That's kind of all I can say about him.

Oh, also? He's Buck Masters, an apparent dognapping victim who used his tactics to dognap show dogs. Which included his own as well, Big Red. He also employed a henchman named Mike, who was not very smart.

If you don't listen to him, he'll shake his maracas at you.

No. 23: Ghost of Zen Tuo, Mystery Mask Mix-Up

The Ghost of Zen Tuo is one of the weirdest Scooby Doo villains I can think of. There's a lot that you can pick out when it comes to this guy. He's actually A. Fong, an oriental art dealer. Who, funnily enough, owns a smuggling ring.

He spends his time using his henchmen to do his bidding, much like the villain above. The Scare Pair, weirdly enough, makes for more time than their boss. Zen Tuo takes a backseat to his threat.

Ghost of Zen Tuo, and his minions, are basically ancient chinese demons. There's a lot to unpack, and none of it comes off as interesting. This, and the two Witch Doctors are great examples of how dated the series is. This is not to say the series is racist or anything, but that it is from a completely different time.

Also, that mask is atrocious.

No. 22: Witch Doctor, A Tiki Scare is No Fair

Alright, this is the last one for "Scooby Doo episodes that didn't age well" hopefully. This is the SECOND Witch Doctor of the series. He shows up haunting the island grounds, which belong to a hawaiian god named Mano Tiki Tia. That name is weird, but okay.

Witch Doctor here is actually John Simms, a professor/tourist guide who was scaring people away ferom an ancient village in Hawaii. The plan? Why, it was to use the Ancient Village as the grounds for his underwater pearl poaching operation!

Witch Doctor's plan does not seem that bad, to be honest. I like to call it one of the typical 'Scooby Doo' plots, because numerous others work similarly to it. His actual entrance as a villain is pretty cool, to be honest. The sky turns red as his warning scares the natives, and our two cowardly buttheads, Shaggy & Scooby Doo.

It is interesting to note, the two indian witch doctors in this series are both white criminals.

Lastly, that design is goofy, but I think that might be the point.

No. 21: The Werewolf, Who's Afraid of The Big Bad Wolf

Honestly? Kudos to the Werewolf for a more unique design. This is a werewolf is the disguise of an unnamed sheep rustler. He tried to stop intruders from intruding on his sheep smuggling ring. Which he was using in an old abandoned mill and harbor deep into the forests.

There is not a whole lot that I can say about him, to be honest. To me, he comes from one of the less memorable episodes of the series. As you can guess from a werewolf, he smashes things and snarls a lot. He likes to pose and wave his arms around while he snarls too.

No. 20: The Caveman, Scooby's Night With A Frozen Fright

Who ever heard of a frozen Caveman? Scooby-Doo apparently, because he is the main threat of this episode. As you can guess, Scooby-Doo and the gang deal with a thawed-out caveman.

The Caveman is actually a criminal by the name of Professor Wayne. His plan was to steal an invention from his close friend, Ingstrm. This device would enable him to interact with aquatic life. I am confused about why he chose to dress up as a Caveman specifically for it instead of say, aly but hey, whatever.

The Frozen Caveman does not bother me. There was nothing about him that I thought was scary as a kid. I admit, I thought it was a little absurd to think of that. However, in hindsight, lots of Scooby-Doo villains are abnormal, in more ways than just being ghosts.

Fun fact? This episode apparently features the FIRST time that a villain refers to the gang as 'meddling kids'.

No. 19-18: The Witch and The Zombie, Which Witch is Which?

Which Witch is Which? I'm asking the same question. This episode features the witch, alongside her backup muscle. Said 'muscle' is her undead pal, The Zombie.

Much like the universal monsters above, I chose to group these two into one slot. They debut in the same episode and generally, that just feels better. Plus, it saves me more time than making separate goals.

The Witch is a malevolent entity, who shows up six months prior to the episode. The Witch used her voodoo magic to bring the Zombie alive as her minion. The both of them then began terrorizing the swamp.

Yeah, no,

The Witch is actually Zeb Perkins, joined by the Zombie, who is his partner Zeke. The two scared off the other town residents in their search for riches. Those 'riches' were an armored bank truck they crashed into the swamp at an earlier point.

I love the fake magic that the witch employs to intimidate her enemies. The trap floor, for example, was an interesting item. The Zombie himself makes for an intimidating physical threat when it comes to the chase. Plus, this episode does well with a swamp aesthetic.

No. 17: The Ape-Man, Never Ape an Ape-Man

Honestly, why WOULD you ape an Ape-Man? That thing could literally rip you apart if it wanted to.

Meet the titular threat of this hilariously named episode. The Ape-Man does his best to sabotage a movie that Daphne's uncle is shooting. He is one of the many cases where I can think that the gang was actually in danger.

The Ape-Man was actually Carl, the stunt performer. Wow, who would have guessed that? Probably the audience if they were paying attention to the film. Poor Carl's talents were never acknowledged by by Daphne's uncle. His entire reason for doing this was because he couldn't play the lead role.

I am guessing Carl just was not feeling very inspired, either. Because his entire suit is taken from the film, in the exact same role he was playing. Hell, the entire Ape-Man mythos was inspired by an old legend of an ape burning down a mansion. This was all said by the locals, which I am not sure we EVER see at any time in this era.

Regardless, the Ape-Man makes for an interesting antagonist in my opinion. He's one of the more bizarre ones in terms of Scooby-Doo villains. I think that is what he does well because he IS bizarre. He spends most of the episode eerily creeping around the area.

Also? He has one whole bit where he messes with Scooby Doo using a Scooby Doo mask. It is hilarious.

No. 16: Wax Phantom, Don't Fool With A Phantom

Our next guest comes from the last episode of Scooby Doo, Where Are You? Prior to it's rebranding, at least.

The Wax Phantom is actually quite an interesting monster to look at. His design really does wonders to sell the haunting 'wax' idea that he is. I admit, his design is certainly where Scooby Doo's interest comes from. Although, I believe it also is one of the less-memorable ones.

Anyway, this guy is the antagonist behind the episode. He haunts Johnny Sands' Dance Game Show. The gang believes him to be a wax creation brought to life. Who created him? Grisby of course, a strange wax-figure-making weirdo who was cancelled by the show.

In reality, he's Roger Stevens, the TV manager of KLMN (aka the company that this entire game show is under). Roger Stevens used Grisby as an alibi for his secret embezzling schemes. He was stealing money from the TV station...

The one question I have during this; how did Shaggy and Scooby survive being encased in wax? I swear, those two are the most superhuman cowards I have ever heard of. This is not even their most impossible feat, they literally painted a door into existence so that the Wax Phantom could crash through it.

No. 15: Phantom, Hassle in The Castle

Okay, now we get to The Phantom, who I actually kind of adore. He's got a great laugh, which also sounds weird. Weird works for Scooby Doo, as you can probably guess.

I have never really been a fan of his design to be honest. I mean, the effects are great, but it is just a simple bedsheet look. I guess that is the point of the episode. Plus, simplicity can work sometimes.

Anyways, meet Bluestone the Great, a former magician. He disguised as the Phantom to haunt Vasquez Castle. This was done for the purpose of scaring people away from the castle, so that he could claim the Vasquez Treasure.

Bluestone here makes for a great magician. I mean, guess that does not pay well since he decided to do the usual route. You know, haunt a mansion or landmark, and search for secret treasure. I swear dozens of scooby doo villains do it.

No. 14: Captain Cutler, a Clue for Scooby Doo

Alright then, we have reached the top fifteen. Now we are getting into the classics, and that is going to be fun. I consider these to be the best of the Scooby Doo villains.

Which is funny, because I start with what I figured was the weakest. Our friend Captain Cutler is an eerie man dressed in a green scuba suit. I'd say he's one of the more iconic Scooby-Doo villains due to his design.

Yet, honestly, I feel like Captain Cutler is not that interesting. Aside from his haunting groans, he does not have a lot going for him. It is no wonder that he falls on this slot of the list.

If it helps? His mystery was also a nice red herring. The group expected it to be Ebeneeezr Shark. This is funny because it was actually Captain Cutler himself, who faked his death. His goal was to steal yachts so that he could sell them for money.

No. 13: Miner 49er, Mine Your Own Business

I honestly wish that we all Mined our own business sometimes. This ominous spook could learn a thing or two from that. Miner 49er is actually Hank, the owner of a guest hotel in the desert town Gold City. Hank was haunting the place for the purpose of collecting oil and driving his boss out of business.

As a villain, Miner 49er is actually a threat that I think works. He has a pretty ominous presence throughout the episode. Most of it concerns scaring Scooby and Shaggy at different points.

I feel like his design is seemingly mundane. Then again, Scooby-Doo villains go as a multitude of other things. It is not surprising to find that Hank just decided to wear his normal clothes with a few modifications.

I just want to say that I think the name 'Miner 49er' is hilarious and also very clever.

No. 12: Snow Ghost, That's Snow Ghost

Okay, this is our thirteenth ghost, and he is a killer. Which is funny because he literally tried to murder the gang. Like, three different times at least, too. I think this guy's definitely one of the more crazy antagonists.

The Snow Ghost is actually Mr. Greenway, the owner of the ski lodge the team is at. He decides that he wants to dress up as a monster (a story he got from a hiker named Fu Lan Chi) to scare people away from the abandoned sawmill. Which is where he hosted his illegal operations.

Which is bizarre, because the gang was literally nowhere near the sawmill. Mr. Greenway must really love trolling people for some reason. Or he just really loves scaring the heck out of a bunch of teenagers for no good reason.

Snow Ghost here has an intimidating design for a yeti villain. Like I said, he was content with trying to kill the gang. Like trying to saw Velma Dinkley in half. Or hurling dynamite at her and Scooby to blow them up.

The Snow Ghost's sheer ruthlessness makes for an interesting competitor against the gang's antics. I actually love him for this, to be honest. He was the first monster of the week who attempted to inflict bodily harm. That's scary enough.

No. 11: Redbeard's Ghost, Go Away Ghost Ship

Okay, that is one RED beard, I mean look at that thing.

Redbeard's Ghost is our favorite pirate of the franchise. Well, besides Skunkbeard, he's just too cool. Redbeard was a persona adopted by C.L. Magnus to steal cargo from his ships. The only reason he wanted to do this was for insurance. Whoop-de-do.

At first glance, Redbeard's Ghost might just be one of the most outlandish villains in the series. Just look at him, he's one of the more human-like faux monsters the gang fights. I mean, why would the gang have reason to believe that a pirate was not only around, but was a ghost?

I like Redbeard because of these reasons. His weirdness feels natural to the Scooby Doo series. Plus? Redbeard REALLY loves to get in the act. He has the pirate attire, the pirate laugh, and the ghost ship. I can appreciate a villain who gets into the theme.

Redbeard himself also gets up to some unuusally comedic antics. Scooby and Shaggy are spared by him, only because Shaggy told him he was a good cook. The two proceed to make an indigestible stew for the pirates. Redbeard then makes them eat the stew, which leads them to escaping.

By the way? Redbeard himself is actually a real person too. He was a pirate known as the terror of the Seven Seas. C.L. Magnus' ancestors defeated him, and he swore that he would return. The irony is not lost on anyone here, and I love that.

No. 10: Spooky Space-Kook, Spooky Space-Kook

Let's just pause to point out that this guy has one of the best laughs. The Spooky Space-Kook's laugh is spine-tingling in a way that I cannot describe. As a child, it was creepy to look at. As an adult, I find that I'd probably laugh alongside him.

The Spooky Space-Kook is actually Henry Bascomb, the neighbor of a farmer who warned the gang about the monster. He was dressed up as the Spooky Space-Kook because he wanted to scare people away from the Air Force base nearby. His plan was to buy the land for himself.

As a design, the Spooky Space-Kook's sci-fi aesthetic works well for him. I love the astronaut skull helmet that he possesses. It helps make him ominous in a way.

No. 9: The Black Knight, What a Night for a Knight

Guess you could say "Right in the round tables!" because here's our next guest. The Black Knight was the identity of Mr. Wickles. He used the armored suit to scare people away from his art forgery schemes within the museum.

The Black Knight spends most of the episode creeping around the gang. Aside from angry grunts, he really does not say anything here. His general silence and lurking tendencies are what put him in the list.

His position within the franchise is what also pushes him here. Although he's not the scariest, he is the first villain shown in the franchise. Much like other iconic threats, he's had some notable iterations spun off from him.

No. 8: The Mummy of Anka, Scooby-Doo, and a Mummy Too

"Coin, Coin!"

The Mummy of Anka is the main antagonist of this Scooby Doo episode. He also is a fairly threatening one in the series due to the darkening atmosphere. The Mummy's real identity is Dr. Najib, an Egyptian researcher and aide to the professor. Najib is after an ancient Egyptian coin.

The Mummy is short-tempered and violent in the episode. He is basically a brute who scares the group into giving him the coin. The Mummy does not speak any word other than 'coin'. Which is said in a groaning, angry voice throughout the episode.

One part that I love about this episode is the stone element. The professor is one of the mummy's victims, believed to be turned to stone. In reality, he was simply captured offscreen. Najib also made a stone replica of himself to scare the gang.

No. 7: Charlie the Robot, Foul-Play in Funland

Get ready for a funtime in Funland, because Charlie graces the eighth spot on our list. Charlie's one of the more unique Scooby-Doo villains. Because he is not malevolent, he is simply a robot. Although he is prone to malfunctioning, Charlie's intentions aren't always terrible.

He was the creation of Mr. Jenkins, to help run Funland when he was busy. Mrs. Jenkins, for some reason, had the bright idea to sabotage him. Because she did not want robots running an amusement park meant for children.

To be honest? Her scheme confuses me the most, because there is no alter ego here. She could have just talked to him about it, but she decided not to. This would have saved the gang, and Jenkins some trouble.

No. 6: The Headless Specter, Haunted House Hang-Up

Speaking of unique villains? The Headless Specter is yet another unique villain in the franchise. Penrod Stillwall's a good guy here, he just has weird methods of proving it. He's the antagonist, but he's not the criminal here. He just decided to chase a bunch of kids around to stop them from finding his family's fortune.

This episode has one of my favorite haunted mansion setups of the series. The Scooby Gang are mostly alone, with only the Headless Specter with them. Also, he's after them and proves to be pretty dang malicious at times.

The overall atmosphere is done perfectly, and it gives you a good tingly feeling. This also has one of my favorite chase scenes of the episode, complete with groovy music.

Asha Shanks is the actual villain, by the way. He decided to run around with a bed sheet over his face. He also wanted to steal the Stillwall treasure, which doesn't work out for him. He's defeated which, once again, creates another neat subversion in the Scooby Gang series.

No. 5: Ghost of Elias Kingston, What The Hex Is Going On?

The Ghost of Elias Kingston was actually scary to me as a kid. He had a more ominous and foreboding appearance. His warning would generally follow with cursing the Wetherby Family. Ironically, he is a Wetherby, Stuart, who wanted to steal the fortune from his relatives.

Things get chilling when Stuart is afflicted by the ghost's 'curse'. At first, he is aged into being an old man. The last we see of him before the reveal is his skeleton. We also see that he's captured Sharon, which gets even worse considering who he is.

The Ghost of Elias Kington is always felt, even when he is not in the scene. This, combined with his iconic design and his warnings makes him dangerous. It also is what makes him number six on the list.

Also, the way the gang turns his own gimmicks back on him? Is hilarious.

No. 4: Ghost of Mr. Hyde, Nowhere To Hyde

What's lean, green, and mean? Why, the Ghost of Mr. Hyde, of course. This ghoulish goon was the main antagonist of an episode I thought was pretty scary.

Our main antagonist is blessed with a jarring green appearance that used to scare me. That is not the only thing he has going for him, though. He is fast on his feet, too, and he almost tries to croak Shaggy.

These green jokes are just fine for me to say. Other than that, he's actually the disguise of - you guessed it, Dr. Jekyll. Jekyll was trying to "hyde" his jewel thefts, by pretending that he created a formula. Something went wrong with the formula, however, and it would turn him into a monster, named the ghost of Mr. Hyde.

Hyde does not have any other neat gimmicks, aside from scaling walls with neat suction cups. Other than that, he is pretty easily bested by the gang. The gang all take turns scaring Hyde before they wrap him in a mattress.

Our bad guy, by the way? He's the first villain to ever hide in the Mystery Machine.

No. 4: The Ghost Clown, Bedlam in The Big Top

Okay, there is creepy, and then there is this guy. Meet the main antagonist of Bedlam in the Big Top. He's a menacing ghost clown who haunts your every eye. The Ghost Clown is actually Harry the Hypnotist, who wanted revenge against the circus featured in the episode.

The Ghost Clown makes for a terrifying opponent to face off against. He uses his talents to mind-control the gang into some pretty hilarious events. However, the terror from what he's done can still be seen.

Clowns in general have a neutral connotation in fiction. However, I find that most people tend to see them as villains. I think this is due to how offputting it can be to make a clown evil. After all, they are a symbol of joy and laughter now distorted into something positively murderous.

No. 3: The Puppet Master, A Backstage Rage

Congrats, we are going from creepy to worse. You have made it to the top three, the three scooby doo villains who made younger me say "zoinks!" and hide behind the TV.

Meet the Puppet Master, the disguise of Pietro, who works at Strand Theatre. In reality, Pietro is secretly hosting a counterfeiting operation beneath the theatre. He uses his disguise to scare people away from his secret operations.

The Puppet Master is quite the creepy threat, even for a Scooby Doo villain. His ominous unblinking eyes are very strange. There are multiple moments where you can see how scary the Puppet Master is. From attempting to drop a sandbog on the group. All the way to creepily standing still, while he and Shaggy wear the same outfit.

The Puppet Master is absolutely devious in almost every way. He's one of the more unnerving villains for me as a kid. However, he's nothing compared to numbers two or one.

The way he laughs as he vanishes down the Prompeter's Box? Eugh. Still sticks with me.

No. 2: The Phantom Shadows, A Night of Fright is No Delight

Our giggling green ghosts are only the SECOND scariest antagonists of the original. They really help accomplish what the episode title set out to do. Their appearances are scary, and offer a chilling laugh.

These two are Cosgood Creeps and Cuthbert Crawls. Yeah, it's funny how almost everyone else on this list have completely normal names. Meanwhile, these two at least try to advertise what they are all about. Their goal was to scare away the heirs to Colonel Beauregard Sanders' fortune.

These two try their best to sabotage Scooby and scare him away. This is because Scooby Doo was another heir to Sanders' fortune. Naturally, our plucky hound gives in, but he never quits. Thanks to the gang, they manage to unmask Creeps and Crawls.

The Phantom Shadows have a neat gimmick where they create dummies based on the heirs. All of which are sealed inside of coffins to make them look like victims. It is appropriately creepy for the kind of episode that they have.

In a later episode, we do see the Phantom Shadows recolored into three different ice-cream themed phantoms. I just think that's funny, though.

No. 1: The Creeper, Jeeper's It's The Creeper

This next villain was the scariest one for me, no joke. As a child, I convinced my mother to put on the Scooby Doo shows. She put on this episode, and it stuck with me.

As a child, I grew afraid of the episode because of The Creeper. The way he talked and moved scared me as a kid. Eventually, I think I got over my fear of him.

As a villain, The Creeper is actually the bank owner, Mr. Carswell. He was using The Creeper as an excuse to rob the bank, claiming that it could walk through 'walls'. Unfortunately? He was caught by a camera, and one slip of paper would be enough to destroy his reputation...

How does The Creeper rectify this? By tracking down the guard, distracting him with a log, and then attacking him. His violent temper left the guard unconscious and also destroyed his car. The Creeper beat down a guard for having photographic evidence, what do you think he'd do to some kids?

Honestly, that's not the only part I find 'scary'. The gang LEFT the security guard in the hands of Carswell. They unknowingly left him to be imprisoned by the same man who attacked him.

The Creeper's design does not truly feel very 'phantom' ish to me. However, that's just me being picky, and nothing else. His overall design is based on Rondo Hatton's Creeper, apparently. if anything else.

This is another episode where the Scooby Gang is working with a pretty dark atmosphere. They are trapped in the farmland, with a snarling, raging monster after them. All of this conflict stems from a paper that would automatically incriminate the monster of the week. The foreboding music that plays as he advances toward them is pretty freaky.

Honestly, the lonely hermit is a confusing element of this episode, but one that I am willing to look past. I thought he was like, another disguise of the creeper, but no. He's just some guy hanging out in the forests.

This episode also features one of the funniest chase theme songs.

Consensus: Everyone has a favorite!

This is just my ranking of the Scooby Doo villains based off of the original series. I think all of them are cool in some way or another. Some are just cooler than others, and that is okay.

If you've got a favorite ranking, then feel free to share it. I would love to see how you guys rank some of the villains. I'm sure that it would be very different.

The fun behind Scooby Doo is how bizarre most of the villains are. It is not a bad kind of 'bizarre' though. It just shows how wonderfully weird the scooby doo world is. The monsters and villains here are all so colorful.

Yet, I think making them dress up as monsters is a great way to educate children. It is better to show the monsters as ghoulish creatures than as real people. It might be easier for people to process, especially since the monsters are always unmasked after each episode.

Scooby Doo really is such a landmark franchise though. These groovy kids have been doing it since '69, and they have kept going. In spite of dark ages and bad installments, they always rise up. I have a lot of love for Scooby Doo, for helping shape my interest in mystery and suspense.

Other than that? This might not be the last Halloween post that I'll make. I hope you guys enjoyed this one because I will be readying something else up. If you guys enjoyed it, then feel free to give it a like!

#scooby doo #milesverse #tv shows #monsters

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justicelikelightningpodcast · 1 year ago

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Justice Like Lightning - Onslaught Book 3.5

No one trusts the Hulk and the Avengers struggle to save people. Mr. Sinister ruins everything and lies a lot but also like what else do you expect from him? We explain why Tony Stark is a teenager as we wrap up book 3.

X-FORCE (1991) #58

Published: September 1, 1996

Writer: Jeph Loeb

Penciler: Anthony Castrillo, Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa

Inker: Bud Larosa

Colorist: Hi-Fi Design, Marie Javins

Letterer: Richard Starkings

Editor: Bob Harras

Best words

Best Panel

Best Person Caliban

Worst Person Onslaught

INCREDIBLE HULK (1962) #445

Published: September 1, 1996

Writer: Peter David

Penciler: Angel Medina

Inker: Robin Riggs

Colorist: Glynis Oliver

Letterer: Richard Starkings

Best words

Best Panel

Best Person Hulk

Worst Person All the people being mean to the hulk

IRON MAN (1968) #332

Published: September 1, 1996

Writer: Terry Kavanagh

Penciler: Joe Bennett

Inker: Mark Mckenna, Tim Dzon

Colorist: John Kalisz

Letterer: Phil Felix

Best words

Fight comic and kind of boring

Best Panel

Best Person Iron man

Worst Person Giant Man for not thinking with his big ol’ head

AVENGERS (1963) #402

Published: September 1, 1996

Writer: Mark Waid

Penciler: Mike Deodato Jr.

Inker: Tom Palmer

Colorist: John Kalisz

Letterer: Bill Oakley

Best words

Best Panel

Best Person: Wasp(?)

Worst Person: Holocaust and Post

#marvel comics #marvel onslaught #marvel podcast #marvel thunderbolts #onslaught #thunderbolts #charles xavier #justice like lightning #professor x #cable #The incredible hulk #the avengers #marvel's Avengers #Captain America

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trivialbob · 3 years ago

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Today I tried explaining something to my workaholic coworker. She was supposed to be on PTO. Yet she worked all day, because she was “behind” in some things.

Me? I took a 90 minute lunch.

I really hope she wakes up at 2:00 AM Sunday morning and grunts a great big Homer Simpson “Doh!” when she realizes she’s been totally overthinking a problem on which we’re working.

Think of adding 5 and 5. You all shout “Bob! It’s 10!” Yes. But my coworker is trying to calculate a square root, then multiplying by pi.

After work I took the dogs for a walk around Lake Harriet. Half of the sailboats have flown south for the winter. Or simply been parked in south Minneapolis back yards before the lake freezes. For a while I walked next to a woman who had an Aussie that looked like Oliver. We chatted about Aussies for a bit then went our separate ways. People who have Aussies are cool. Except @littlerunnergurl who is a dork. Her four Aussies are cool though. Their names are Rosie, Jazmine, Granola, and Dude, if I remember correctly.

My wife is out of town tonight for a pickle ball tournament. When I’m home alone I enjoy walking to the neighborhood tavern for a light meal. Bob of 10 years ago would be aghast at the idea of going to a bar alone, sitting AT the bar, and talking to the strangers on either side. But that is indeed what I did. And I liked it.

The guy to my left was there by himself too, but kind of acted like he was there with everyone. He was a bit of a tool. No, that’s not fair. He was a character. Loud people can still be nice.

Several times he went outside to smoke. Saving his spot at the bar was a full beer and a pair of Oakleys. Each time he returned from outside he reeked stronger and stronger of Winston Lights and cologne.

Siri was busy making phone calls for him. To me it sounded like he might be a realtor. Then he told someone he lived in the (not luxury) apartments across the street. I wouldn’t expect a realtor to rent. When he made light conversation with me (between important phone calls) he was a pleasant guy.

After a beer and a serving of loaded fries I walked home via the nearby liquor store. Passing the hardware store I saw that autumn’s flower assortment was supplemented by many pumpkins. Like the flowers, the pumpkins don’t get pulled inside at night. I love that trust.

Now I’m settled in my couch enjoying a Bent Paddle Black Ale. A 12-year-old boy across the street is practicing piano. He’s very good. All our windows are open. The live music is nice. I don’t have any desire to turn on the TV or music of my own.

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adultswim2021 · 3 years ago

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Ephemera Week (2002)

Mission Hill (originally aired on WB, 1999-2000)

Mission Hill was a perfectly good animated series from former Simpsons show-runners Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein. It was a sitcom about cool young people in a cool young people city. Andy French is an aspiring cartoonist, intended to be a Matt Groening type who would (over the course of many many seasons) eventually find success and get his own super-successful animated series called THE SIMPSONS: SEASONS 1-8.

The premise of the show was that Andy’s parents retire and sell the childhood home, displacing his nerdy high-school aged younger brother Kevin. Kevin moves in with Andy and learns how to be a cool city style guy, you know, the kind that’s always “walkin here!” and sucking off Bob Balaban in the men’s room and whatnot.

The show is at least better than the bad seasons of the Simpsons, and has a cool alt-comics style that suits the show really well. Not to damn it with faint praise, it’s a good show. There are a handful of GREAT episodes and plenty of strong jokes. There's news of a revival in the works focusing on Gus and Wally, the older gay couple in the show. It's supposed to take place in the same era the show originally aired in, which is just great.

Like Baby Blues and Home Movies before it, I did catch this show randomly on it's network of origin. I saw one or two of the final episodes to air on WB. I liked it! I was glad to see it get revived for a run on Adult Swim. I've wanted more episodes ever since.

I don't think the show is available for streaming anywhere, which is too bad. It came out on DVD with special features. That DVD set was reissued on DVD-R without special features, so... buyer? be wary. There's also a number of music replacements that ruin some of the scenes. At one point I had a bootleg set where somebody took the DVD video and replaced the audio with the as-broadcast version of of the show. Good luck finding it.

Here's an episode guide showing their debuts on Adult Swim. Bold episodes were originally unaired, making their debut on the channel. Also note: episodes had an innocuous title and a spicier in-house title in parentheses. It’s real Police Squad! shit.

12AM Monday Morning:

May 20: Pilot (or The Douchebag Aspect) May 27: Andy Joins the PTA (or Great Sexpectations) June 3: Kevin's Problem (or Porno for Pyro) June 10: Andy vs. The Real World (or The Big-Ass Viacom Lawsuit) June 17: Andy and Kevin Make a Friend (or One Bang for Two Brothers) June 24: Andy Gets a Promotion (or How to Get Head in Business Without Really Trying) July 1: Kevin vs. the SAT (or Nocturnal Admissions) July 8: Unemployment Part 1 (or Brother's Big Boner) July 15: Unemployment Part 2 (or Theory of the Leisure Ass) July 22: Kevin Finds Love (or Hot for Weirdie) July 29: Stories of Hope and Forgiveness (or Day of the Jackass)

11PM Sunday Night:

August 4: Happy Birthday, Kevin (or Happy Birthday, Douchebag) August 11: Plan 9 from Mission Hill (or I Married a Gay Man from Outer Space)

ALSO NOTE: There are about five episodes that were in early-stages of production and if you poke around you can find scripts for these episodes ( here as of this writing). A full animatic and table read for “Crap Gets In Your Eyes” exists if you search for it.

MAIL BAG

London Arbuckle ASKS! or, states! sorry I’m writing this lead-in without having read the whole message yet.

Another confusing Baffler Meal thing: the deleted cold open that's on the DVD. It gets called back to in the actual episode ("Between two steamed buns", "Nine dollars!? For what?") and provides crucial context, BUT it also gets contradicted in the actual episode (SG sells out for "one serious speaker" instead of owing a restaurant money). Also I remember all the ads for this episode used a clip from the cold open! It always kinda bothered me that they cut it but boys (matt & dave) will be boys!

I do think the cold open is nice and I always make a point to watch it with the episode. In my mind they are as essential as watching that boring Terry Gilliam short before Meaning of Life. The next step is pointlessly editing them together using Nero. Yeah, that’s the ticket

Here’s ANONYMOUS, baby!

It's summertime and we are talking about Adult Swim and I gotta ask when's the last time you've been to a pool. Have you ever in your adult life enjoyed the benefits of an adult swim. Tell us just how much you like splash around. Yes, that would be quite illuminating I'm sure (rolleyes).

Man, when was the last time I went into a pool? It’s been literally years. I think the last time I swam I did a bad job. I am definitely am getting “bad job” vibes off my hazy memories. Man, my memories used to be precious. Damn!

do you think theyll ever work with george lowe again in any major capacity or do you think he's just bad news.

I was about to say “isn’t he on American Dad” based on him name-checking American Dad as one of his many credits but I just looked it up and he was only in one episode. Damn. Somebody give George work he seems nice.

beakman's world, anyone? The wild and wacky world of Paul Zaloom? Hmm? Anyone?

lol you wish...

Baby Blues really was my everything back in the early 2000s, it may not have head the punk rock cred you clearly seem to crave it was a soothing balm for myself as a new father in a scary world (9/11 and all that, terrible stuff).

you raise a good point, that you’re a huge dork “with child” and I’m cool and laughed at 9/11 because it was funny to me, actually

Just read your Baby Blues "take down" and I gotta say: In the immortal words of Mike Francesca, "You're a fool. ho-kay? A total fool."

Uh huh. Yeah okay. Mike Francesca hordes pot bellied pigs in his apartment and lives in filth. He stinks, and so do youd

Baby Blue is like every animation nerd's wet dream. What if they made the rugrats with only the parents part. And here it is. Be careful what you wish for, chunky.

Yeah and it’s too bad because judging from the previous mail bags my audience is primarily made up of BABIES.

#adult swim #mission hill #adultswim2021 #ephemera

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pointlesstrashyexistence · 5 years ago

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I’m so soft for all this queer content we’re getting

Like, you guys remember how much of a big fucking deal the finale to Legend of Korra was when it aired? That we got two amazing bisexual women who got together, loved each other, and didn’t die? In a kids show? Because I remember that, and I remember crying my eyes out because I never saw anything where the queer characters didn’t die and was just so happy.

And now we get just so much more? In our TV shows for adults, in our kids shows, in our E for everyone shows, in YouTube content and creators, in comics, in games, in books, in international content? Killing Eve, Gentleman Jack, Steven Universe, Good Omens, Grace and Frankie, Dear White People, Orange is the New Black, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Jessica Jones, The Percy Jackson series, the Heroes of Olympus series, The Bold Type, Vida, Adventure Time, Baka and Test, Durarara!!!, Young Justice, Bob’s Burgers, B99, Wandering Son, Stein’s Gate, Yuri on Ice, Doc McStuffins, Gravity Falls, Gargantia on the Verdurous Planet, Attack on Titan, RWBY, Rick and Morty, BoJack Horseman, Star vs. The Forces of Evil, My Hero Academia, Voltron (even if it was shitty rep), Big Mouth, Banana Fish, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, Tuca and Bertie, Broad City, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Fresh Off the Boat, One Day at a Time, GLOW, Grown-ish, Black-ish, POSE, The Umbrella Academy, Queer Eye, Sex Education, She’s Gotta Have It, The Good Place, Jane The Virgin, Shameless, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, The Get Down, The Other Two, The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones (I only put this down because Yara got to live), Once Upon A Time (even though they did my fave Milan dirty and never gave her anybody to love), Master of None, Mr. Robot, Sense8, Andi Mack, Claws, The Handmaid’s Tale, A Series is Unfortunate Events, Atypical, Anne with an E, Insatiable, The House of Flowers/La Casa de Las Flores, Everything Sucks!, American Crime Story: The Assassination of Gianni Versace, Élite, The Haunting of Hill House, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Batwoman, Mystique, Ms. Marvel, Captain Marvel, Wonder Woman, Loki, Young Avengers, Constantine, The Runaways, Miss America/America Chavez, Green Lantern, Archie Comics (NOT RIVERDALE, the actual new Archie series where Jughead is aro/ace, Toni’s bi, and there’s character development and a plot that isn’t going all over the place), SAGA, Assassin’s Creed, Fallout, The Last of Us, Life is Strange, Overwatch, Mass Effect, Eugene Lee Yang, Lily Singh/iiSuperwomanii, Tyler Oakley, Todrick Hall, Hanna Hart, Dan Howell, James Charles, Thomas Sanders, Nikita Dragun, Shane Dawson, MacDoesIt.

It’s like “Yes, nothing’s great, but at least we have some amazing content to give us hope.” Anyways, happy pride 🍾💖🙏🏼💑👩‍❤️‍👩👨‍❤️‍👨💏👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨👫👭👬🌈🎊🎉🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

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rubyhqs · 3 years ago

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hello! i'm corrie & i’m 24, i’m from the most awkward timezone ever, gmt. i’m gonna be playing ruby, she’s a fairly new character for me, i’ve been watching ginny & georgia recently with a friend & i’ve fallen in love with antonia gentry. if u wanna know a little bit about me, i’m a big fan of stardew valley, eurovision (specifically daði and gagnamagnið, from iceland!!! <333), bob’s burgers and the colour mustard yellow. but enough about me, everything you need to know on rubes is undercut:

parental abandonment tw

soooo this is ruby, she’s lived in moorbrooke for all of her life, with her mother, aunt and younger siblings. her father has never really been in her life, she doesn’t know much about it him.

her father was a bit of a deadbeat, he arrived in moorbrooke one summer and met her mother, they had a whirlwind romance. resulting in ruby and her two younger siblings.

eventually he realized that he wasn’t ready to be a dad and actually, he didn’t really wanna be so he upped & left in the middle of the night.

leaving her mother heartbroken, she worked her ass off but they couldn’t afford to live in the expensive part of moorbrooke anymore.

her aunty saw this and she said, “come move in with me” they all piled into her flat in oakley court, ruby still lives there now.

ruby adores both her mother & her aunty, they had a bit of angsty relationship growing up, but now she’s a young adult, things have never been better. they are all super close & do a lot of things together!!

she currently works as a waitress at delia’s cafe & she’s been doing that for a few years now, she loves it there.

she loves living in moorbrooke & right now she doesn’t want to live anywhere else.

she’s got two younger siblings, both boys, lives in a loud (but loving) household, so she’s had to try a little to get her voice heard.

she’s confident and takes no shit from anyone, after the exprience with her dad, she’s also a little wary of men.

she loves to skate, surf and all that good stuff. she is very much of a tomboy, even though her mum hates that.

she is currently living her best life, doing what she pleases, hanging out with her pals, doing dumb stuff tbh.

wanted connections:

friends

frenemies

good / bad influence

crush(??)

exes

fwbs / hook ups

co-workers

if you’d like to plot with ruby, please feel free to like this post & i’ll message you or feel free to message me on discord @ corey in the pub ™#0678. i look forward to writing with you all!! thanks!! xx

#mbintro #☆ﾟ*・ﾟ you can always edit a page. you can’t edit a blank page — ↳ ooc

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chadsinclair · 3 years ago

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How millennial Disney star and.

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Deadline loomed on May adidas stan smith j white tactile blue 23, 2008, Ifergan made the purchase: the first ticket came in before the deadline but the ticket with the fateful numbers burped out seven seconds after the cut off.. They are studying. "Humans are just farm animals," Cain says at one point, pinning Shido body beneath his own on a bed, pouring a glass of blood into the struggling lavender haired vampire screaming mouth, "Eat as many as you want."Hey, if someone told ME to do that in HIS voice. The way was cramped and twisty, and so low that Hodor soon was crouching. You should not in any way force cortege every day. ‘You’re a base man,’ she horno teka hc 610 me blanco had said to him at parting. Taiwan was also a zealous Nike Air Max 24 7 Men Grey/Black participant in this year's shoes fair. Her brown hair was tied back in a knot.. But they also reflect light when released in the atmosphere, which keeps sunlight out and causes Earth to cool. The regular oval of his rather swarthy face, his superb teeth, his small, rather thin, beautifully chiselled lips, his rather long straight nose, his high forehead, on which no wrinkle could be discerned, his rather large grey eyes, made him handsome, and yet his face did not make a pleasant impression. “I earned my spurs in Dorne. I did not do none of that, Oakley said. Clarke: (sighs) I'm never going to understand you and I don't want to anymore. I noticed that she was making great effort to suppress her emotion, as though too proud to let me see it. Perhaps he should have asked the washerwoman. His braid was black and shiny, his skin as dark as burnished copper, his eyes the shape of bitter almonds. I didn't even think he drank. If you're suffering from osteoarthritis in your hands, it certainly has nothing to do with this nervous tic. I proved it to him, even from his own point of view. After it had been parked on the driveway for hours. 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In all, the Census counted 13,404 Native Hawaiians and other Pacific Islanders last year (including 4,145 children in Oregon), still just 0.35 percent of the state's population.

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jockedguy · 5 years ago

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And then I met Mick, the white guy who’s been kinda interacting with me from the dudes next door. During his smoke break, he wandered over to the stoop and tilted his head at me.

“Bit young to be retired, huh?” He scratched under his chin, looking at me through his polarized shades. Oakleys, I think, from the big O where the arm of the glasses met the lens frame.

“Yeah, and a bit old to be unemployed,” I retorted.

He laughed and rubbed his arm along his forehead. I could see that it wasn’t only his biceps that were big, his triceps were as well. “Well, we’re always lookin for help. You wanna card?”

I almost laughed out loud, but swallowed it at the last minute, realizing how rude it would sound. Instead, carefully, I said, “… Kinda out of my wheelhouse, bud.”

He shrugged, took a drag off his smoke. “Ain’t hard to learn.” He had a bit of an accent. Maybe North Carolina - not quite South enough to be the Heart of Dixie, but enough of a drawl that he didn’t grow up nowhere near Yankeeland.

“Don’t take it the wrong way,” I said then, “But my career counselor in high school told me - “

“Told you what?” He interrupted, and tilted his glasses down. His eyes were a thick, almost artificial-looking green, like a forest. I could swear things were moving in the circle of his irises. “That you’d make a great accountant? Or a paper-pusher? Naw - lemme guess. She told you you’d be an executive, a business guy. Spend your whole life in a white room with white walls and your very own cubicle.”

“Well … “

“We all had guidance counselors, kid. We all had people in our lives who thought they knew better than we did. And look where you end up.”

His voice was as compelling as his argument. I could tell that he really meant what he said - his voice held a lot of contempt, all of it aimed at the ‘counselors,’ at those who ‘knew better.’ “Yeah,” I started to say, agreeing without agreeing. It was making me a little uncomfortable, the degree of passion in his voice. The directness and continued weight of his eye contact.

“So lemme ask you, bud,” he said, smoothly, as though I’d never raised my voice, “Are you happy? Doing what you do? Like, when someone at a party, or the bar, asks you what you do - what do you say?”

“I say that I do data entry,” I reply. It sounds small. As small as when I say at a party, or at the bar. “A lot of people do data entry,” I defend.

“Yeah, and a lot of people are fuckin miserable,” he added. “Anyway. I’m not tryin to, like, whatever, or anything.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, bobbing my head reflexively. I understood what he meant, even though what he said made no sense.

“I’m Mick, by the way,” he said, and at that point he crossed the gap in the fence which denoted my stoop from the sidewalk. I felt myself flinch a little, as though invaded, but found myself immediately standing to shake his hand. He’d taken off his heavy work glove, but it didn’t feel like it - his enormous palm was as callused and worn as the glove looked. My hand disappeared into his grip.

“Howard,” I said, my voice betraying me and cracking on the last syllable.

Mick grinned. “Want a smoke?”

“Nah. I don’t smoke,” I said. “But thanks.”

He shrugged. “Anyway, it’s gotta suck being unemployed. I know how it feels, trust me. You get all kinds of - “

“Lonely,” I blurted.

He tilted his head at me, like a dog hearing an out-of-frequency whistle. “Yeah, lonely.” He tossed his butt in the street and glanced at me again. “I usually hit up Beer Thirty, down the street, after the whistle blows. If you want, you can join me.”

“Me?”

“Sure, why not. I’ll buy you a few beers. I’ll consider it my good deed to the world for treatin me all right back when I was unemployed. Payin it forward, and all that shit. What d’ya say, Howard?”

“Sure!” I was agreeing before I knew why. Before I had a chance to analyze.

“All right. See you tonight.” Mick tipped his hard-hat to me, and walked back off into the site next door, disappearing into the sounds of clanking, thudding & drilling.

My jaw dropped. First of all, there was no way. A guy like that. Ripped, blue-collar, crazy handsome. Was he flirting with me? Was he gay, too? There was no way he was into me.

But fuck it, I thought to myself, crazily. Maybe the sun addled my brains. Maybe he was just a nice guy who knew the trauma of being unemployed, someone who wanted to, like he said, pay it forward?

I could explain the massive boner I had inside of my khaki cargo shorts. But what I could not explain were the chill bumps racing themselves up and down both of my arms.

- from "Dogcatcher"

to read the whole story:

#jockedguystories

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omniversalobservations · 4 years ago

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Storybook Squares (February 1969?)

Storybook Squares was the name given to a special series of episodes of the NBC game show Hollywood Squares. The series featured celebrities dressed up as famous people and characters from history and various forms of media.

Peter Marshall served as host of these episodes. The panelists were introduced by "The Guardian of the Gate", who announced their characters' presence by reading their names from a scroll. The Guardian was played by regular Hollywood Squares announcer Kenny Williams, and the character was similar to his "Town Crier" character from Video Village.

The series ran on NBC on Saturday mornings from January 4 to April 19, 1969, with repeats airing until August 30. The concept was revived during the 1976-77 season as a series of special theme weeks on the daytime Hollywood Squares.

Format On the original edition of Storybook Squares, the game was played in the same manner as the regular game, with celebrities in the squares dressed as storybook and nursery rhyme characters. Two children competed, always boy vs. girl with the boy as X and the girl as Circle. They played as many games as time permitted, with a prize being awarded for each win. No money was awarded; a Secret Square game for the first two games was played, with the setup identical to the 1968 primetime game and first two years of the syndicated version—that is, if the first game's Secret Square was not won, the package was combined with that of the second game, and then after that it was not won.

Panelists The only panelist from the adult show who played as he normally would was Cliff Arquette, who carried his "Charley Weaver" persona over to Storybook Squares. The other panelists played characters from fairy tales and books, historical figures, or in some cases the characters they played on television.

Unlike the parent series, on Storybook Squares each panelist/character was given an elaborate introduction as they entered the set and took their place on the board, allowing for a brief comic interaction with host Marshall as they did so. Some of the celebrities who appeared were:

* Marty Allen as Tarzan and Cupid * Jim Backus as Mr. Magoo (animated character for whom he provided the voice) and Thurston Howell III (his character from Gilligan's Island) * Ted Cassidy as Tarzan * Charo as Isabella * Wally Cox as Paul Revere and Davy Crockett * Bob Crane as Colonel Hogan (his role on Hogan's Heroes) * Abby Dalton as Little Miss Muffet * Barbara Eden as Jeannie (her role on I Dream of Jeannie) * Nanette Fabray as The Old Woman Who Lived in the Shoe * Stu Gilliam as Merlin * Arte Johnson as Wolfgang the Nazi from Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In, referred to herein as the "'Very Interesting' Soldier" * Paul Lynde as Frankenstein's monster and the Evil Queen from Snow White * Paul Winchell as Romeo and Dr. Jekyll (with Tessie Mahoney- Jerry Mahoney in a blond wig- as Juliet and Jerry Mahoney as Mr. Hyde) * Carolyn Jones as Morticia Addams (her role on The Addams Family) * Rose Marie as Pocahontas and Annie Oakley * Roy Rogers and Dale Evans * Soupy Sales as Henry VIII and Thomas Edison * William Shatner as James T. Kirk (his character from Star Trek) * Leslie Uggams as Snow White

1976-77 return When the daytime series brought back Storybook Squares, its format was changed slightly. Instead of a two-player match featuring boys playing girls, the matches used a team format with the boys playing with their fathers and grandfathers and the girls with their mothers and grandmothers.

The children played the first game of the match, with the parents playing the second and the grandparents each subsequent game as time permitted. $300 was awarded for each game won, with $50 awarded per square if time was called during a game.

The team with the most money at the end of the game won a large prize, such as a car or exotic vacation.

* Marty Allen as Tarzan * Milton Berle as Old Mother Hubbard * Valerie Bertinelli as Little Miss Muffet * Big Bird (Muppet played by Caroll Spinney) * Hal Smith as Mother Goose * Paul Lynde as Attila the Hun, Frankenstein's monster, The Wicked Witch, Davy Crockett, and Paul Bunyan * William Shatner as Captain Kirk * Elke Sommer as Guinevere * Susan Seaforth Hayes as Eve and Cleopatra * Bill Hayes as Adam and Caesar * Connie Stevens as The Queen of Hearts * Karen Valentine as Mona Lisa * Anson Williams as Simple Simon * Florence Henderson as Belle Starr * Doc Severinsen (with his trumpet) as The Pied Piper and Gabriel * George Gobel as Henry VIII * Vincent Price as Captain Hook * Pat Harrington (Jr.) as Leonardo da Vinci * Rip Taylor as General Custer * Joan Rivers as The Old Woman Who Lived in the Shoe * Bonnie Franklin as Goldilocks and Peter Pan * John Byner as Long John Silver * Roddy McDowall as Sherlock Holmes and Pinocchio * Arte Johnson as Beethoven * Jo Ann Worley as Martha Washington * Soupy Sales as Thomas Edison * Rich Little as Noah * Julie McWhirter(-Dees) as Glinda the Good Witch (though referred to as "the Good Fairy") and Dorothy Gale * Charo as Lady Godiva (she wore a sparkly flesh-toned bodysuit rather than appear actually nude)

Source: Wikipedia

(images via YouTube)

#television #Arthurian legend #The Addams Family #Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In #Little Miss Muffet #Romeo and Juliet

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boneandfur · 6 years ago

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Riding Lessons [2]

CHAPTER TWO

Rating: for mature readers only // Words: 2388 // Summary: Juniper gets ready to ride in the rodeo, and unexpectedly sees a face from her past.

•••

"If yer still hellbent on this damn fool idea of yours, you gotta wear something else." Cliff coughs delicately, moving his finger up and down to indicate the dress. They're standing under the pines, killing time. A blush creeps up his neck. "Just think what kind of example you're settin' for Duke's girl."

"I think it's mad cool, grandpa!" Brooklynne squeals, hugging Juniper around the waist. "I'm gonna vlog the whole thing!"

Juniper looks at Cliff, though she doesn't need his permission, she feels chastised all the same. She looks to Brooklynne. "Brook, what size shorts are you wearing?"

Cliff's eyes bulge. "Oh, hell no. Duke would never forgive me if I let --" but Juniper is already tugging Brooklynne towards the bathrooms.

"This dress would look real pretty on you, Brook. In fact, if you like it, I'll let you keep it." Juniper keeps talking as they head into the bathroom and surpass the line, going straight into two neighboring stalls.

"They're actually a little too big?" Brooklynne squeaks from the next stall.

"Perfect." Juniper may have her mama's hips, but she can make it work. "Shirt too." Brooklynne's shirt and shorts sail over the partition, and Juniper passes Brooklynne the dress. She stole it from Caitlín before she left, hell, she stole Caitlín's boyfriend, Sully, too. But he didn't touch me the way Dick Mulligan... She pushes that thought away, but the memory of his touch is branded on her skin, she's aching all over with the need for him to touch her again, Just like that.

Seven minutes later, Juniper is in Brooklynne's hacked off jeans, now a pair of teeny tiny Daisy Dukes that hug her curves like a second skin. The tank top might be a problem, she acknowledges grudgingly to herself as she looks in the mirror. My breasts are the problem. She's wearing a red lace balconette bra that seemed like a good idea at the time, but is completely out of place under the black tank top, which barely skims her belly button.

"Here, Juniper." Asha appears, looking her critically up and down before passing her a plaid shirt, and Juniper rolls the sleeves up, tying it under her breasts.

"That's not what I..." Asha's eyes bug out. "Never mind. Looks cute, I guess. You might even pass for one of us, if you wore it the way God intended you to."

Is that supposed to be a compliment? Juniper doesn't answer, intent on braiding her hair, out of her face. "Thanks, babe." She blows an air kiss, and Asha recoils like she's been slapped.

"How's this?" Brooklynne taps Juniper on the shoulder, and she hears Asha suck in a horrified breath.

"Oh, sugar, ain't you a picture!" Her mama's words come out of her mouth before she can stop them, and Juniper coughs to cover her slip. "You look beautiful. Don't she, Asha?"

Asha is staring at Brooklynne like she's somehow become wild, feral. "You'd better cover yourself up! Juniper," she continues in a dark, urgent whisper, "I'm surprised -- no, shocked at you! You can't let that baby girl go out in the fair looking like, like -- that." They both look at Brooklynne, who is twirling dreamily in the mirror, the skirt fanning out around her knees, looking five years older already, the kind of girl who runs off with a carnival boy and never looks back. "When her pa sees that he's gonna --"

"What's Duke gonna do? Oh, hell." Juliette pops her head in through the door to the cement washroom. "Asha, you better take that kid to get a cover-up on before Duke and Cliff see her. Juniper, you come with me."

"And where the hell are you taking her?!" Asha demands, exasperation coloring her tone. "The rodeo starts in..." she checks her clipboard. "In less than fifty minutes!"

Juliette ignores her, pulling Juniper out into the sunlight. She takes a good look up and down at the tied plaid and the Daisy Dukes, letting out a wolf whistle. "Damn, girl! They gonna let you ride in that?" She waits until they're out of earshot, then her face splits into a big grin. "You're riding in the rodeo! Sawyer told me," she goes on, unaware of how her face lights up when she talks about him, like no one can tell how she feels inside.

If this wasn't all a means to an end, Juniper would let herself give them both a little push in the right direction, but she can't let herself get attached -- it hurts too much to say goodbye that way, and she never says goodbye, not if she can help it. "What else did he say?" Juniper plays with a loose thread on the shorts, which threaten to cut off her circulation at the hips. When all of this is over, and she's made it safely over the border, she's going to take a long soak in a copper tub, sloughing off this false identity like the dirt from the road. But until then, she's here in East Podunk, lying low, safe from the long arm of the law. "What?"

Juliette waves a hand in front of her face. "You in there, June Bug? I said that Sawyer was real worried about you, but I told him I'd take care of it. And first order of business is gettin' you some ridin' boots and a hat. You're representin' Oakley Ranch, after all." Juliette winks at her. "What size shoe you wear?"

"Six." But Juliette is already handing Juniper her boots.

Juliette runs a hand through her dark curls. "The toe box might be a little wonky, but I think you'll be all right. Those are five and a half's. They okay?"

The boots fit like a dream almost to the toe box, which pinches. But it's only for a few hours. Juniper feels a warm feeling of gratitude bubble up in her chest, but she pushes it away. The less beholden she is to these people, to this place, the better. She wiggles her toes. "Thanks, I think these will be fine."

By the time they finish, Juniper is wearing a red hat edged with cheap silver ribbon, and there are only fifteen minutes left before the rodeo starts. Juliette leads her to a roped off area near the gate, crowded with people and press milling around. "You just go over there and find Asha. She's probably by thie chute. She'll assign you your number. You want me to come?"

"Nah, I got this. Thanks again." Juniper hugs Juliette quick, kissing her on the cheek. Juliette smells of bourbon and green apple shampoo. She gives a little wave to Juniper.

"Good luck!"

•••

With a swing in her hips and a confidence she doesn't feel, Juniper waltzes up to the crowd of cowboys. Even in Juliette's boots, it's hard to see over the bobbing sea of ten gallon hats. There are rodeo cowboys and rodeo queens with spangles on their boots, there are little boys and girls in chaps leaning on the fence watching, and teenage boys swaggering around.

She's never seen so many girls in painted on jeans, sparkly cowboy hats, and push up bras in her life. Somewhere in the crowd, she can hear Dick's deep baritone, and the high pitched giggles of girls. She looks for a familiar face, but she's hemmed in on all sides. She spots Dick, surrounded by several stage five clingers, all spray-tanned and bleached blonde with their hair teased to high heaven. They're pouting, trying to get his attention, but he's busy talking to some dark haired guy who's dressed as casually as the others, yet looks somehow out of place. As if he can sense her eyes on him, the stranger raises his head, scanning the crowd, and Juniper ducks down, frantically backpedaling.

Dave Reyes. The long arm of the law has found her at last. I'm not ready. Not yet, please, not yet! She feels like she can't breathe, and sucks in several deep, rapid breaths, her heart rate speeding up. Her vision swims with black spots, and as she tries to fight her way back out of the crowd, she feels a wave of dizziness slam into her.

"Hey now, what do we have here?" A guy with a blonde crew cut, press badge, and a blue vest over a short-sleeved flannel shirt that looks like it came from the Sprawlmart clearance rack grabs her arm, smacking his lips as he surveys her. She's too out of it to slap him the way she yearns to, and instead a feeble protest leaves her lips as he hauls her forward.

"No!" Juniper tries to tug her arm back, but the guy isn't listening.

"A buckle bunny! Martin, look! I got us a real live buckle bunny!" he leers in Juniper's face, addressing her breasts. "How-de-doo, little bunny. I'm TJ." He snaps a selfie with a full flash, blinding her, and then gropes her ass. "Maybe you've heard of--" TJ has barely opened his mouth to start his spiel when Dick shoves his way through the crowd to step between them, his body shielding Juniper.

"The lady said no. Are ya as dumb as ya look, or are ya deaf, too?" Dick snarls menacingly.

With an irritated scowl, TJ puts his hands up like he'll shove Dick in the chest, then some sense of self preservation kicks in, and he steps back. "Get your own buckle bunny, man."

"Back off," Dick growls. "You really wanna test me, city boy?"

TJ mumbles something Juniper can't hear, and she whimpers. Dick whips around so fast she swears she can hear his spurs jangle, and then his arms are around her and he's carrying her through the crowd, all the way to a quiet corner in the back of the barn.

Dick sets her down on a crate, rubbing small circles on her back. He clears his throat. "He didn't hurt ya, did he, Goldilocks?"

Dizzy and nauseous, she shakes her head, and Dick passes her a flask from his pocket. She can't even touch it, too intent on trying to breathe.

"Good. I thought..." Dick shakes his head, then starts rubbing her back, his deep voice low and soothing in Juniper's ears. "Put your head between your legs, cup your hands over your mouth, and take some nice, easy breaths," he murmurs, beard tickling her earlobe and setting off butterflies in her stomach. "I swear to God, if I see that city boy with his hands on you again --" she hears the sound of Asha's irritated voice, and then Dick's big, warm hand leaves her back as he stands up. She can hear Asha upbraiding him for "harassing the press".

"You okay?" Asha crouches down near her, and Juniper nods, focusing on each small breath. Asha stands up, apparently satisfied with that answer, because she pats Juniper's shoulder awkwardly, and then fades back into the crowd when someone calls her name.

From the corner of her eye, Juniper sees Dave again, and she ducks her head beneath the brim of her hat, hoping against hope he hasn't recognized her. She starts sweating, and then she's shaking uncontrollably, trying to fight the wave of blackness that threatens to engulf her. Voices swim around her in the darkness, and then she feels Dick's hand on her back again, tethering her to the here and now.

"You clean up real good, Goldilocks," he whispers. "Knew I was gonna have to fight 'em off the minute I saw ya in them Daisy Dukes." When she looks over at him in surprise, he tips his hat and winks at her, then stands up, holding out a hand. "Ain't you gonna wish me luck?"

Juniper stands up, the world righting itself again. She scans the crowd for Reyes, but he's melted away, as though he never was. She bites her lip. Maybe she was just imagining things. Maybe... "Good luck? Shouldn't you be wishin' me luck, cowboy?" she pokes Dick in the chest, and then he's pressing her up against the barn, their lips a hairsbreadth away. She feels drunken, dizzy, though she hasn't touched a drop. Dick tilts her chin up with two fingers, and just as he bends his head, his breath warm on her lips, she hears Asha calling her name.

"Juniper!" Asha's voice, so close, makes her jump, and she wriggles past Dick, making her way towards Asha, who rubs the bridge of her nose in annoyance. Did she see Juniper and Dick, so close they almost could have kissed? Undoubtedly. Asha's voice is colored by something deep and green when she speaks again, and Juniper shifts uncomfortably in Juliette's borrowed boots. Her feet are beginning to hurt. "It's not too late to back out..."

Just lay low as long as you can, honey pie, Opal Mae's voice whispers in the back of her mind, as though her mama is standing right beside her. It's living out in the open that'll get ya. Ghosters are livin' dead people's lives for 'em. If the Feds don't know where ya are, they'll never catch up to ya.

But the money... they can start over with that kind of money, they can stop running for good. Three notes, Ellie. She thinks of the last postcard she sent, musical notes interspersed amidst her cramped handwriting. Ellie remembers, right? She must. It was all Opal ever whistled when it meant You're safe now, little chicks, the coast is clear.

"June?" Asha touches her shoulder. For a moment, Juniper loses her train of thought as she hears the national anthem start up, and Dick Mulligan swaggers past her in his chaps and black hat, raising his brows at her and giving her a nod as he passes.

One last con, one last game, you can do this, she tells herself. "I'm not backing out. I can do this, Asha."

Asha exhales through her nose. "Right." She hands Juniper a number on a piece of paper. "You're after Mulligan. Remember to mark the horse out, or you'll be disqualified on the spot." Her fingers brush a stray curl that's come loose from Juniper's braid. "Lucky number seven."

Lucky number seven. That's gotta count for something, right?

Tag list: @walkerismychoice @lizeboredom @debramcg1106 @darley1101 @youwontlikewherewewillgo @choiceslife @regrettingnathan @viktoriapetit @thatcatlady0716 @breaumonts @blackcatkita @enmchoices @llamasgrl @littlecrookedheart @nazariobae @tmarie82 @gardeningourmet @anneross41 @ritachacha @cora-nova

(part one is on the choices archive - choicesfanfic.com under the same name. eventually i will make some new masterlists with the external links.)

#dick mulligan x mc #choices big sky country #bsc #playchoices fic #my fic

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buzzdixonwriter · 6 years ago

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On Your Mark, Get Set…

I can remember when the first TV set arrived in our home. It was before Sputnik because I remember watching that story on the evening news. This would place it around fall of 1957, which sounds right as my brother Rikk was born that year and dad probably acquired the TV to keep mom (who was still struggling to master English) from going nuts with an infant and a pre-kindergartener in the house.

How do I remember these details for vividly? TV was still the marvel of the age in the late 1950s, so much so that on occasion we’d go to an upscale restaurant in Raleigh that featured a darkened dining room where people could eat and watch a 21-inch black and white TV and this was considered A Real Big Deal back in the day.

I’d obviously gone to movies before we had the set; when it was in the shop for a few days I remember trying to convince my dad to take us to the movies so he could watch the newsreel in lieu of the evening news show.

Even though I made my bones in the sci-fi / fantasy / superhero genres, thanks to local TV my first love was old B-Westerns and TV shows: Gene Autry, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans, The Lone Ranger, Bat Masterson, Annie Oakley, Sky King (hey, it’s a Western even if he did fly a Beechcraft twin-engine), and most of all, my personal fave Hopalong Cassidy.

In the 1950s and 60s local TV station frequently ran hosted afternoon movies typically called The Early Show. Usually filling an hour and a half slot from 4:30 to 6 in the afternoon, they provided a distraction for kids while their parents prepared dinner or, it the ‘rents were ahead of the game, a diversion for the adults while waiting for everyone to arrive at the table.

At 90 minutes minus time for commercials and host segments, movies were either highly edited full length features or, more typically, B-movies and short features.

Another staple of TV in the 1950s and 60s that continued through well into the 1980s was the local hosted kid show. Often these shows featured a host who interacted with kids in the studio audience but many of them just had the hosts interacting with other characters, usually actors in costumes or puppets.

Between comedy skits and games they would run old classic cartoons, comedy shorts, serial chapters, and even short educational films -- in short, whatever they could get their hands on quickly and cheaply.

These shows could be surprisingly quite well done: Smart, sophisticated, and still intensely silly, all at the same time. Some local hosts managed to break out and become syndicated nationally: Bob Keeshan and Lump Brannum as Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Greenjeans, former burlesque third banana Pinky Lee who (literally!) cleaned up his act for kids, Soupy Sales, Chuck McCann, and others.

While the nationally syndicated hosts could typically do all fresh new material, local hosts frequently found themselves limited to a small group of film libraries and, depending on the budget of a particular station, their cartoons and short subjects could range from top notch Warner Brothers down to virtually unwatchable Terrytoons crap.

#writing #Buzz Dixon #television #B-movies #B-Westerns

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enbouton · 6 years ago

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Better Call Saul Rewatch, Part 3/30: Reasonable Doubt Type Stuff

Nacho (Season 1, Episode 3)

Written by Thomas Schnauz / Directed by Terry McDonough

A metal container hinges open; someone tosses in two sets of keys, a pen, and then an enormous brick-type cellphone, signalling that this is the show’s first flashback. There’s a distinctive cool blue tint to this scene that’s consistent through all but a couple of the other flashbacks, and the lighting is even more polarised than usual. (Writing this, I just remembered the one time Breaking Bad used this specific flavour of colour and lighting: the early flashback to young Walt and Gretchen.)

It’s the early nineties. Chuck wears a three-piece suit (of course he does) and Jimmy, ostensibly about 28 or 29 here, sports jailhouse scrubs and an awful shag mullet. Credit to Bob Odenkirk for animating Jimmy in such a way that he does come across as much younger; he fidgets on the edge of his seat like a restless teenager, his emotions spilling everywhere.

Chuck informs us that Jimmy is not only facing property damage and assault charges but a potential place on the sex offender registry. (They did a good job holding back the payoff— what Jimmy actually did— until the end of the season.) Jimmy admits to being in “a bit of a pickle”, but insists that the charges are trumped up. It’s telling that while Jimmy clearly does admire and respect Chuck for his standing as a lawyer, he talks of the law solely in terms of “tricks”, “loopholes”, “technicalities”— as if all he needs to get out of trouble is for Chuck to apply the right cheat code.

As Jimmy squirms, Chuck mentions that it’s been five years since they last saw each other. According to Chuck, their mom called him after Jimmy called her from jail, crying and begging for help (Jimmy strenuously denies that last part). “I know I’m a lousy brother,” Jimmy says. “I’m a lousy brother, I’m a big screw-up... and if I was just a better person, I would not only stop letting you down, you know what? I’d stop letting me down. And it’s about time that I start to make both of us proud. Am I right?”

Looking at Chuck’s face here, you get the sense that it barely matters what Jimmy does from this point on; even if Chuck did once have the capacity to feel proud of him, that ship has sailed.

Back in the present, Jimmy, not actively suffering for a change, helps himself to some cucumber water, which is both pleasing to look at and makes nice underwater sounds.

He wears white in this scene, maybe indicating his attempt to make a fresh start and do the right thing. Credit where it’s due: Jimmy’s desire to warn the Kettlemans is genuinely altruistic, and he doesn’t stand to benefit from it at all.

Jimmy considers calling Nacho, then calls Kim, whose first instinct is to ask him if Chuck’s all right:

Jimmy: Yeah, Chuck... Chuck is Chuck. All right? Everything’s all right. I just wanted to call you. So, uh... hey. Whatcha doing?

Kim: Jimmy... no. I’m not talking dirty to you.

I love them and I love this conversation. This is how you establish intimacy! Jimmy promises nothing but “quality PG phone conversation, PG-13 at worst” and then steers the talk towards the Kettlemans; he gets all “gee, it sure would be bad if something were to happen to them!” with her, laying it on just thick enough to weird her out but not to make her concerned for their immediate safety. Plan A having failed, Jimmy tries Plan B, section I, “Warn The Kettlemans While Disguising My Voice”, then section II, “Just Tell Them They’re In Danger Then Hang Up Very Fast”, and in the end they get the message (it helps that Nacho’s van is indeed lurking outside their house).

(Aside: the Kettlemans’ awful voicemail message is amazing. You just know they dress up in matching outfits for the annual family Christmas card.)

Next morning, Kim calls: the Kettlemans have gone missing, and Jimmy has neither the cash nor the stickers to leave the courthouse parking lot. Mike won’t budge, so Jimmy reaches into the booth, raises the boom himself, and drives off yelling “screw you, geezer!”; ah, the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

At the Kettleman home, Kim implores Jimmy to tell her why he said what he did; he looks torn, but tells her that he doesn’t know what happened. He drives to a payphone and leaves several breathless, desperate messages for Nacho, framed effectively in a mixture of tight close-ups and expansive wide shots (they make good use of that big blank wall behind him). There’s such a good long beat after Jimmy takes the hang-up call: high angle, city noise.

It turns out that the cops were already tracking Nacho, whose license plate was reported by one of the Kettlemans’ neighbours, so the scene culminates in Jimmy getting chased down an alley and arrested. Nacho assumes that Jimmy set him up (this episode is just rife with misunderstandings) and orders him to get him out, “or you’re a dead man”. Kim, Jimmy and the detectives head back to the Kettlemans’ house, where Kim pointedly tells Jimmy the names and ages of Craig and Betsy’s kids. Jimmy infers from the missing doll that Jojo wasn’t kidnapped, but the show doesn’t present the detectives as incompetent— they already noted that the doll was missing, and they’ve verified that the Kettlemans haven’t travelled. “If you run, everyone knows you’re guilty,” Jimmy insists, foreshadowing what will happen to him seven or eight years down the line.

Jimmy finally admits that he gave the Kettlemans an “anonymous” warning call, whereupon Kim delivers the deathless line, “Oh God, you didn’t… you didn’t do the sex robot voice, did you?” There is, as they say, a lot to unpack there, but the Kettlemans are still missing, so the conversation quickly moves on. Jimmy speeds back to the courthouse and gets arrested again after assaulting Mike, who has decided he doesn’t want his parking business any more.

There’s a glint of interest in Mike’s eye as Jimmy insists that the Kettlemans “took themselves”. He may not like Jimmy very much at this point, but he sees something in him worth paying attention to. Declining to press charges, he tells Jimmy a story about a man back home who disappeared and was found hiding two doors down from where he lived. “Nobody wants to leave home,” Mike says. Yet he’s very far from home; so is Jimmy; so is Kim. (So is Gus, more so than any other character.) The multiple meanings of home, and what it means to be alienated from a place you are tied to in the past or the present, are some of the most interesting themes explored in BrBa and BCS.

Jimmy goes back to the Kettleman home, deduces that they’ve gone camping, and plunges into the Sandia foothills to track them down. The shots in this montage do well to establish just how far he’s hiking and how sweaty and miserable he is in his suit and loafers.

Around nightfall, his efforts are rewarded: the family are right where he guessed they’d be, and so is their loot. Jimmy and Betsy tussle over the bag, a seam splits, and hundreds of stacks of cash come tumbling out. For a moment, it looks like Craig and Betsy will be forced to reckon with reality.

Misc.

Jimmy corners DDA Oakley in the men’s room and browbeats him into accepting a deal for a client who “assaulted a cashier with a bottle of Kahlua”.

The “JPi” tag on the payphone also appears in Jesse’s house.

“I refuse to believe [you let me off because] you have something resembling a heart inside your body,” Jimmy tells Mike. “You’re not gonna have a heart inside your body in about five seconds,” Mike counters.

Anyone else get a very strong True Detective season 1 energy from these shots of Jimmy’s hike?

Timeframe: a single day in the first week of June, 2002. The flashback most likely takes place in the spring or summer of 1993 (in season 3, Howard says he’s known Jimmy almost ten years).

Music

“Find Out What’s Happening” by Bobby Bare (1968), as Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans

References

“I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque” is an old Bugs Bunny catchphrase.

The Donner Party was a group of frontier travellers who set off for California from Wyoming in 1846 and got stranded in the Sierra Nevada after an ill-advised shortcut. Over half of the travellers died en route; some resorted to cannibalism to survive.

Jimmy compares the detectives to Cagney and Lacey, the titular characters in the 1980s police procedural.

Mike talks about a Philadelphia bookie disappearing after the Super Bowl (Dallas Cowboys v. Pittsburgh Steelers). The Steelers won against the Cowboys in 1976 and 1979; the Cowboys won against the Steelers in 1996.

“Here’s Johnny!” is from Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining (1980).

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> NEXT EPISODE: HERO

#bcs rewatch #better call saul

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