#Better fiction than you can ever HOPE to achieve in a lifetime

[johnlockissess]

by the way i think it’s rather funny how bbc sherlock has completely literally fallen off the grid the fandom is smaller than ever johnlock isn’t even in the top 100 ships anymore even though other media from the same period continues to prosper and i just WONDER if that’s got anything to do with the way they treated the fans back in 2016 lol

[appleflavoredkitkats]

Manipulation of the Most Vulnerable

An Analysis of Fundy’s Dream in Las Nevadas Episode 3

i. INTRODUCTION

This essay is going to be analyzing the entirety of Fundy’s portion in Las Nevadas’ third episode. Like always, do not view this essay as gospel as I am not a flawless human being; I am merely giving my own personal opinions and thoughts about the scene. Additionally, all the people referred to in this essay pertains to the content creators’ fictional counterparts on the Dream SMP.

If you enjoy the essay, or just want to support me in general, reblogging the essay will mean so much to me! I work hard on these essays, so I do hope you get to enjoy them.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: manipulation, mentions of past violence, terrible mental states, possibly c!Quackity critical, insecurities, and self-worth issues

ii. QUACKITY’S BLATANT MANIPULATION AND THE DREAM SEQUENCE

What is a Legacy?

Legacy (ˈle-gə-sē)

“Something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past.”

As we begin discovering one’s purpose in life, naturally, we do anything in our power to fulfil them. But as we begin to do more, to get closer and closer to achieving our sense of purpose in this world, sometimes we have to ask ourselves: Is it enough? How much have I truly changed and impacted through my life’s purpose? Will what I do be deemed worthy enough for people to remember me by? Is this my legacy?

What is a legacy?

If you are a Hamilton fan like me, you might look at that and respond with “it’s planting seeds in a garden we never get to see.” But truly, what is a legacy? Can our legacies simply be defined by everything we’ve achieved in our lifetime no matter how big or small they might be, or is it defined by creating notable shifts in society that people will remember you by for centuries and centuries?

[full essay is under the cut! it’s 7k words :0]

To Quackity, your legacy is what something history remembers you by. Quackity is a very caring man, and at first, he believed he could guarantee his safety through pacifism. But after his conversation with Wilbur, he realized that the only way he can gain peace is through power, and to gain power, one has to be violent. That is the only way he could make a change in the Dream SMP, to guarantee his safety. He has to make as much noise as possible before he can finally lay low and rest.

And if his plans do succeed, if he can finally bring peace in the SMP despite achieving it through very torturous means, then he can have a wondrous legacy people can remember him by. To me, I’m not exactly sure if he prioritizes his safety through gaining power or his legacy more, but either way, a great legacy may be a byproduct of his plans for peace if executed correctly.

If he succeeds in creating a positive legacy for himself, a positive legacy for Las Nevadas, then there is a chance that he may guarantee that other people who join him may have a similar legacy as well. 

This is what he promises to Foolish, Purpled, and Fundy. These three, in Quackity’s eyes, are people with the potential of being something, but have stayed on the sidelines for too long. So, knowing that the entire SMP has lacked recognition and respect for these three members, Quackity gives them a misleading ultimatum: Join Quackity and have a chance to finally be highly recognized in the SMP, or deny his request and become nothing.

The truth is, our legacies as human beings don’t have to be defined by how remembered we are if we don’t want it to be that way. But with Quackity’s charm and with how vulnerable Foolish, Purpled, and Fundy are, it’s easy for Quackity to make them believe whatever he tells them to believe. 

Fundy’s Low Self-Worth

Out of the three, I think Fundy established his low sense of self-worth for the longest time. Ever since L’Manberg, it’s evident that Fundy didn’t like being infantilized by anyone. Despite this, Fundy is seen to appeal to any bout of recognition he can get. Whether it’d be Quackity giving him more recognition than Wilbur during the Elections, or Schlatt complimenting him on his hard work for Manberg, or him appreciating anyone who claims they want to adopt him, Fundy will easily appeal to recognition and praise. I’d even argue that he dictates his own self-worth depending on how much people give him recognition. 

And now, with Fundy being the most isolated and alone he has ever been, he is very much vulnerable to, well, anything, really. If Quackity decides to manipulate Fundy to join Las Nevadas, he doesn’t have to do much. Even the smallest bouts of recognition, the smallest threats, the smallest anything can be enough to push him to do whatever Quackity wants because, again, Fundy is currently at his lowest state possible.

While I’ll discuss more on Quackity’s manipulation tactics later, we can easily denote how little Quackity did to make Fundy feel pressured enough to agree to his request. Fundy’s entire portion was literally thirteen minutes long. As much as Fundy stuttered and protested a bit when Quackity told him he didn’t matter, Fundy was mostly silent during the last few scenes. 

Fundy depends on other people to dictate his self-worth, so when he’s the most alone he’s ever been, of COURSE he clings onto the first opportunity he gets to finally be remembered once again. No matter how many times he’s been warned by Phil and his dreams, no matter how much he can protest against Quackity, Fundy realizes that this is the best opportunity he can get to receive even an ounce of recognition.

Even if it is, well, fake. It’s better than nothing, he supposes.

Was the Quackity We Saw Real?

From what I’ve understood, I think that it is heavily implied that Fundy’s dream sequence will become a reality. At 1:16:42 of Quackity’s stream, Dream!Quackity says, “Fundy! My good ol’ friend, how’ve you been?” which is exactly the same thing the real Quackity says in 1:25:57. 

Additionally, a lot of Quackity’s word choices in Fundy’s dream sequence make so much more sense if you applied them in real life. This is how I believed the entire dream sequence could be applied to reality: Fundy wakes up in the same home with Quackity outside of his door. They stroll through nature for a while before approaching the remains of L’Manberg. While their conversation about the decorations might’ve been done above the crater, I think that the entire Camarvan scene was set in Eret’s museum, something not too far away from the crater. Afterwards, the last scene takes place they return back to L’Manberg, entering Eret’s abandoned tower.

I’m going to list down everything said that could possibly hint that this dream sequence will happen in real life. There’ll also be some additional notes for certain quotes I’d love to expound on.

“Take a walk with me, take a little walk with me. Don’t you enjoy the fresh air? Don’t you enjoy the beautiful outdoors? I sure do.” - Quackity, 1:16:52-1:17:01

If we substitute the current scenery with where Fundy’s home actually is, I do think it makes a lot more sense as Fundy kind of lives in the middle of the woods.

“What do you mean ‘how am I here’, Fundy? I found you! It’s exactly what I wanted to do- was to find you. And you know- you’re a hard person to find. But I’m glad I found you!” - Quackity, 1:17:16-1:17:27

Fundy has recently built a new house in the middle of the woods and has not told anyone in the SMP about his whereabouts. Again, if you substitute the current scenery with Fundy’s actual home, then what Quackity’s saying makes a lot more sense.

“Fundy, don’t you enjoy the great outdoors? It feels so free! It feels so full of life, full of energy, don’t you think, Fundy?” - Quackity, 1:17:37-1:17:49

Something something, substitute the scenery with the forest Fundy lives in, something something.

“What is this place?” 

“Fundy, you should know this place better than anyone. You should know it better than anyone, Fundy, what do you mean ‘what is this place’? You should know it better than anyone else, Fundy. You and me, actually! You don’t remember what this place is, what it means? Come on, don’t tell me you already forgot.” - Fundy and Quackity, 1:18:03-1:18-26

If this was set above the crater, this piece of dialogue also makes sense. 

“What is all of this doing here? It was gone, it was blown up-”

“This was home, Fundy, it was home! No, Fundy, it’s always been here, we’ve always been here. You and me, we’ve always been here.” - Fundy and Quackity, 1:19:48-1:20:01

To explain the Camarvan- I do think that there’s a possibility that they entered Eret’s museum and viewed it from there. Additionally, Quackity’s response can still be applied in the real world if you interpret his statements as “Well, it’s blown up, but we still consider this place as home! ‘Home’ still exists, you know?”.

While we can’t fully confirm whether Fundy’s real meeting with Quackity went as it did in the dream, I do think that something would have happened in a similar fashion. After all, we did see Fundy at the end of Foolish’s stream “Las Nevadas - Dream SMP (LORE)” at Las Nevadas. Maybe he was also manipulated and offered the same thing Dream!Quackity offered in real life?

Quackity’s Manipulation

Here comes the juicy bit. If we assume that what Quackity did in Fundy’s dream will also happen in real life, then I will refer to everything in that dream as fact, okay? Now, I think it’s clear to everyone that Quackity is a really good manipulator. He is meticulous with his word choice and can make his statements sound believable through his charm. 

I’ll try explaining all the tactics he uses here, then later, I’ll list down everything Quackity says and try to connect it back to different manipulation tactics I’ve mentioned.

The tactic Quackity uses the most is how he uses pronouns. When Quackity refers to himself with the “I” pronoun, he always seems to present as a good friend to Fundy, as Fundy’s savior. This can also be applied when he uses the “we” pronoun as he implies that certain accomplishments were only achieved when Fundy did it WITH Quackity. When he refers to Fundy using the “you” pronoun, he always does it to remind Fundy of certain mishaps and mistakes. As if to say that these awful situations were Fundy’s fault, not Quackity’s. This tactic is mostly used for victims of manipulation to believe that their manipulators are their saviors, that their manipulators can do no wrong. At the same time, they begin to doubt their own selves as their manipulators continuously associate these victims with negative words.

Another tactic Quackity uses is praise and speaking on behalf of Fundy. It doesn’t happen as much as the first tactic, but at certain parts, Quackity seems to be instructing Fundy what he’s feeling. That he doesn’t matter, that he won’t be remembered; you don’t even notice that Fundy barely even spoke in the dream sequence because Quackity mostly spoke on his behalf. Additionally, during the L’Manberg scenes, Quackity continuously praised Fundy. Not only does the constant praise butter Fundy up, but it also preys on Fundy’s insecurities. If Fundy depends on others to dictate his self-worth, then of COURSE Quackity praising Fundy could be easily seen as manipulation as Quackity uses Fundy’s insecurities for his own advantages.

Another tactic Quackity uses is that he constantly brings up their past of working together to make it seem like it’s them versus the rest of the world. Never has Quackity looked like the flawed person in the conversation. Never has Quackity brought up the fact that they’ve fought multiple times in New L’Manberg . Quackity made it seem like that the others were in the wrong, that they were both victims of unfortunate circumstances, but Quackity always remarked that they were able to make it through everything together.

Lastly, this is less frequent, but at certain parts of the sequence, Quackity outright ignores questions uttered by Fundy and changes the subject to talk about something else. Literally just ignored him. Do I even have to explain why Quackity ignoring Fundy could possibly be a manipulation tactic to make Fundy feel more inferior?

Now, there are probably more manipulation tactics I’ve missed, but granted, I am NOT in any way an expert and wouldn’t know the specifics when it comes to gaslighting. Even then, we can all agree that Quackity is, indeed, manipulating Fundy, and to further expound on this, I’m going to list down every single line or action done by Quackity and explain why they could be considered as manipulation.

I do want to mention that, when viewing some of these lines alone, they may not SEEM to be manipulative, but we also have to consider that successful manipulation and gaslighting is a gradual process. A single, harmless-seeming line can be damaging when you view the full scope of things. 

“Fundy! My good ol’ friend, how’ve you been?” - Quackity, 1:16:42-1:16:46

A lot of the quotes here are going to follow the first tactic I’ve mentioned where Quackity continuously uses first-person pronouns to make Fundy think positively when it comes to Quackity, but uses second-person pronouns to antagonize Fundy.

“What do you mean ‘how am I here’, Fundy? I found you! It’s exactly what I wanted to do- was to find you. And you know- you’re a hard person to find. But I’m glad I found you! I think that’s the most important thing: that we are here together now. And I am finally speaking to you- I think that’s the greatest thing!” - Quackity, 1:17:16-1:17:35

This, I think, is the first comment from Quackity that screams “SUS.” While we can interpret it in a literal sense, we can also view it in a metaphorical sense. Quackity is claiming that Fundy is hard to find, but despite the difficulty, Quackity found him! Amongst everyone in the SMP, it’s Quackity who is the first to find him! That’s what Quackity wants Fundy to believe: that Quackity is his savior for finding him, that it’s better for Fundy to even be here WITH him. The “greatest thing”, apparently, is Quackity being able to speak to Fundy, and nothing else.

“Fundy, don’t you enjoy the great outdoors? It feels so free! It feels so full of life, full of energy, don’t you think, Fundy?” - Quackity, 1:17:37-1:17:49

While I’m not sure if this counts, I do think Quackity’s insistence that Fundy enjoys the great outdoors kind of implies that Quackity is speaking on behalf of Fundy. Additionally, he doesn’t even let Fundy reply to his question? At the beginning, he repeatedly asks Fundy how he is, but he never gives Fundy an opportunity to reply. Either Fundy seems too dazed out of thought, or Quackity immediately interrupts Fundy and says something else.

“Fundy, you should know this place better than anyone. You should know it better than anyone, Fundy, what do you mean ‘what is this place’? You should know it better than anyone else, Fundy. You and me, actually! You don’t remember what this place is, what it means? Come on, don’t tell me you already forgot.” - Quackity, 1:18:03-1:18-26

Now we get to the “you” pronouns. Quackity repeatedly insists that Fundy should have known better, or Fundy should have had better memory. This adds onto the idea that Quackity attributes positive ideas to himself, but whenever something’s wrong, he blames it on Fundy. 

“You’re telling me you don’t remember that place right there? When we had the huge elections? Or how about… Fundy, do you remember when we tried to kill Technoblade and we failed? That’s where I got my scar! What about the festival? Do you remember the festival, Fundy? The balloons and the decorations. I never had anything to do with the decorations, Fundy, I- I just… sat back and watched people do it because I’m not good with decorations but… you know.” - Quackity, 1:18:29-1:19:05

Now, Quackity begins to remind Fundy about their joint past together. While not seemingly manipulative, Quackity is basically trying to remind Fundy that there are multiple instances in the past where they were allies, implying that now, they must still be allies. Quackity is trying to remind Fundy that they worked best when they were together, giving Fundy the impression that Quackity is someone to be trusted. It doesn’t help when later on, we realize that Quackity is doing all this sweet talk only for him to convince Fundy to join Las Nevadas. Additionally, during Quackity’s spiel, he continues to ignore a lot of Fundy’s remarks and questions.

“What about the elections? You were part of the elections, do you remember? You were- you ran for president too!”

“I did! And I got the worst votes. I did not even get close…” 

“But you tried and I think that was the most important thing. You ran with Niki and you made the Coconut party.”

“Yeah! We tried.” - Quackity and Fundy, 1:19:14-1:19:36

Quackity’s buttering him up. Most people tend to ignore Fundy and Niki’s party in the elections, and I think this is the first time I’ve seen someone acknowledge it in a positive manner? Again, Fundy thrives when receiving recognition, so complimenting him is an easy way for Quackity to get Fundy to trust him. But of course, he has to keep compliments to a minimum because he doesn’t want Fundy feeling too confident about himself.

“Is that what I think it is? It’s the van, Fundy! Do you remember all the great memories we had in the van?”

“What is all this doing here? This is crazy!”

“No, this is home, Fundy! This is home.”

“What is all of this doing here? It was gone, it was blown up-”

“This was home, Fundy, it was home! No, Fundy, it’s always been here, we’ve always been here. You and me, we’ve always been here.” - Quackity and Fundy, 1:19:41-1:20:02

Quackity is asserting that a lot of good memories were born from the van. Granted, he does acknowledge that they’ve had some arguments in the van later on, but their conversation seemed too… optimistic. Quackity convinces Fundy that they’ve shared a lot of good experiences when they were in the van together even if we KNOW that in NLM, most of the time, they only used the van when they had to discuss an awful issue. But Quackity here is convincing him that them working together in this van was HOME to Fundy. He’s convincing Fundy that he can always find a home in their friendship when we know that’s probably false.

“The amount of times we came here when we were incredibly stressed, but we always- we always figured out a way, I mean, I guess.”

“We always figured out a way, Fundy, we always figured out a way.” - Fundy and Quackity, 1:20:15-1:20:26

And see? The manipulation is working. Fundy’s beginning to look at his past with a positive light because Quackity’s trying to convince him that all the experiences they’ve shared together are great. And Quackity agrees to Fundy’s statement! Again, he’s building up Fundy’s trust in Quackity by convincing him that their moments together in the past were all sunshine and rainbows.

“Oh that brings back memories- I mean, I don’t know if they’re good memories- It’s literally a drug lab, but… yeah, you know-”

“Everything is good memories, Fundy. All the experience and everything we did together. You know I wasn’t here for the start but I was sure part of everything, you know, towards the end, when it was all, you know, just blatantly destroyed. But it’s here now! That’s what matters is that it’s here, and that it’s never actually gone.” - Fundy and Quackity, 1:20:41-1:21:09

And here’s Quackity reaffirming that yes, every experience we had in the past is good, and that we should acknowledge them as good memories. Fundy seemed like he was going to doubt the goodness of his memories, but Quackity immediately interjects, convincing him that it is. He tells Fundy that their moments together is really all that matters. These so-called “good memories” still exist, and Quackity implies that these memories can still live on because their friendship is still as stable as it was in the past. Something something, Quackity convinces Fundy that their friendship is good so he can build trust and get Fundy to do whatever he wants later on, something something.

“Fundy do you remember when- when L’Manberg was destroyed? It was blown up to pieces!”

“Everything was gone. It was done multiple times. Every time it was reb-”

“There was nothing we can do about it. There’s nothing we can do about it- unless you can do something about it.” - Quackity and Fundy, 1:21:22-1:21:41

Now here’s where Quackity begins to ask something from Fundy. Here, Quackity’s seen leading Fundy to Eret’s tower, so you know things are about to go down. Here, Quackity implies Fundy can do something about this cycle of violence, but what Quackity wants Fundy to do seems kind of… vague. He’s leading Fundy on, motivating Fundy he can do something, but not mentioning what he can actually do. This is so that afterwards, when Quackity presents his plan, Fundy may believe that it may help stop the cycle of violence in the SMP. Additionally, Quackity implies that all of this depends on Fundy, so Fundy may feel obligated to accept the plan, but in reality, Quackity may be possibly recruiting Fundy for his own benefit.

“Look, look up! It’s a tower.”

“The amount of battles we’ve fought from up here… down on Dream and Technoblade as well.”

“Yeah, Fundy! You remember that, right?”

“Yeah, I do!”

“Remember all these things we did for our country. It was great!” - Quackity and Fundy, 1:21:52-1:22:13

This is like the millionth time Quackity asks if Fundy remembered a certain “good” experience they had, as if he really wanted Fundy to believe that they were genuinely good memories. And here, we finally see Fundy respond positively, now fully believing that these memories were, indeed, great. It seems like Quackity has finally gotten Fundy to trust him completely by this point.

“But you know what, Fundy? Those memories don’t matter. None of that matters, Fundy. All these structures, all these things we’ve built together- it’s here now, but it’s really gone! And none of it matters, nor will it ever matter. Fundy, if you think about it, YOU don’t matter.” - Quackity, 1:22:18-1:22:46

Here we go, boys. Quackity begins to reveal his true intentions to Fundy. Here, he practically confirms that he doesn’t actually think highly of those past experiences as much as he claimed he did earlier. Again, all of it was a ploy for him to get Fundy to trust him, and now, Quackity begins to reveal his true plans. Additionally, Quackity begins discussing legacies again, or I guess, his perception of what a legacy is. This view on legacies is honestly quite an awful perspective for Fundy as he already has trouble finding a sense of self-worth on his own. Now that Quackity is telling him that he’s nothing unless he does something about it, Fundy’s perception on self-worth will become even more skewed.

“Along with all these structures and everything in ‘em, you’re gonna fade away just like it. Do you see how the sand in the winds slowly deteriorates the structure that we stand upon right now? That’s what’s gonna happen to you, but it’s not gonna be sand and wind, it’s gonna be time, Fundy. It’s gonna be time. You don’t matter, Fundy, that’s what you have to realize. You WON’T matter if you don’t change things up. That’s why you’re in the position that you’re in right now.” - Quackity, 1:22:49-1:23-26

Again with the same legacy talk. As much as we know that Quackity is a master manipulator, I still wonder if he genuinely wants to provide Fundy a real legacy, or is trying to use Fundy to benefit his own legacy. Either way, no matter how genuine Quackity’s concerns are, this perspective on self-worth is still a toxic philosophy for someone like Fundy who needs to learn that self-worth depends on yourself and not some other factors like other people and legacies.

Also, gotta mention that he’s doing the pronoun switch again. He didn’t say “I think you don’t matter,” he says, “YOU don’t matter”. It’s very subtle, but Quackity switching pronouns means he’s trying to emphasize that these horrible things Fundy is experiencing is Fundy’s fault entirely.

“But, you know what? It doesn’t have to be that way, and I can help you. I have big plans, Fundy. I have big plans… and, you know what? As a fellow cabinet member, I wanna bring you in on these plans because I know the experience you have. I know what you’ve been through because I’ve been through it as well. You can change things and be something. You don’t have to end up like this structure: alone, destroyed, nothing else to it. Fundy, Fundy, all you have to do is join me. Join me in my projects. I’ll give you the tools to succeed. I’ll give you the tools to finally be someone because you’re nobody right now. Nothing’s gonna happen if you let time take you away, Fundy. I can help you be someone. You can join me, Fundy. You can join me in the things that I’m doing. And I know you have the capacity to do big things, but the way things are right now, you’re not gonna be anything. You’re never gonna be anything. You’re gonna end up just like this building. You’re gonna end up alone. You’re gonna let time take you away. You’re going to die, and no one is going to remember you… just like it happened in L’Manberg. You understand now what I’m saying Fundy?”

“What do you expect me to do? What do you expect me to do?”

“Take the tools that I’m giving you, Fundy. Take the tools and do something big. I’m offering them to you right now. You can have ‘em. You can be someone else. You can be someone big. Fundy, I’m gonna give you ten seconds to decide.” - Quackity and Fundy, 1:23:46-1:25:31

And this is quite long, but notice the shift in pronouns. When using “you” like in the previous quote, Quackity attributed it with something negative, but now he’s using “I” and he’s attributing it to something positive. He claims that while Fundy might be in a terrible position, Quackity can save him, can help him. 

Additionally, Quackity is trying to speak on Fundy’s behalf once more. He claims that he understands, describing what Fundy might possibly feel like in thorough detail. Now that Fundy trusts him, Fundy can’t protest. Sure, he did utter a few murmurs, but by the end of Quackity’s spiel, he somewhat agrees.

And he offers him the misleading ultimatum: join Quackity, or you will be nothing. With the amount of times Quackity has planted that Fundy is the cause of his own demise and the amount of times Quackity poses as a solution to Fundy’s own problems, of COURSE Fundy feels pressured to accept the offer. Even if he was warned by the book, even if Fundy is possibly smarter than what he leads on, Fundy was extremely gaslit to the point where he thinks accepting the offer is the most ideal choice. And that’s what he (presumably) does. He accepts it.

iii. POSSIBLE SYMBOLISMS

Just like Fundy’s first Las Nevadas lore stream, this stream is also littered with possible symbolisms. So, I’ll try my best to explain them all.

Experience Points and Numbers

Now, I want to emphasize that as much as I am a mathematics nerd, I may be calculating this incorrectly. But anyway, Fundy is seen to have two different levels: 3 in the overworld, and 7 in his dream.

Let’s focus on the overworld first:

So, as much as I’d like to dig into the number 3, I do think we have to take note of the EXP more than the level Fundy’s on. To get to the third level, you’d need 27 EXP. To calculate for the remaining, we have to denote that he needs 13 EXP to get to the next level. We have to note down that approximately 15/18 bars are filled, so 15/18 of 13 is approximately 11. I can get more into detail about the extra few bars filled, but trust me, it results in the same number when we round it off anyway, so we don’t need to explain that. Anyway, 11 + 27 = 38. 38 is a very familiar number, don’t you think? It’s the number of potatoes Fundy had in the “Fundy’s Mind” stream! 

According to angelnumber.org, the number 38 means the following:

“The combination of these two numbers makes the number 38 a number which signifies joy and optimism, courage, finding creative ways to materialize abundance, reality, etc.

The essence of the number 38 in numerology are different kind of relationships, such as romantic ones, business partnerships, teamwork, cooperation, diplomacy, etc.

Number 38 people have a talent for dealing with people in a caring and creative way. They are born team-workers. They need interaction with other people to fully enjoy their lives. They are usually optimistic and have a gift of inspiring others to action.”

Needing interaction from other people, they say? Interactions that even come from people like business partners? And afterwards, they can materialize abundance, like financial success?

Besides that, if we connect the number 38 to gambling, 38 is very prominent in a game of roulette as in the American style of roulette, there are thirty-eight pockets in one wheel.

Now, what about Fundy’s level in the dream?

We can think of 7 as somewhat of a lucky number when it comes to poker as it connects to the lucky number 7 in slot machines.

If we want to look more into this, we gotta calculate for the EXP. To get to the seventh level, we need 91 EXP. To calculate for the remaining EXP, we have to denote that we need 21 EXP to get to the eighth level. Approximately, 8/18 bars are filled up, so we have to find the 8/18 of 21. 8/18 of 21 = 9.33333, or rounded off, it’s 9. Add 9 to 91, we get the perfect number 100. 

According to angelnumber.org, the number 100 means the following:

“The angel number 100 signifies infinite potential, self – determination, isolation, wholeness, self – sufficiency and independence.

People who resonate with this number are very independent and self –sufficient.

They enjoy exploring new things and gaining knowledge. They don’t mind being alone and doing the things they enjoy. This number brings them leadership qualities and openness.”

This is interesting because the meaning here completely contradicts the meaning of the number 38. To me, I feel like this represents how Fundy is able to heal and to overcome his self-worth issues. He may feel like he needs to depend on other people, but in reality, Fundy’s self-worth can completely be honed by himself. This represents a Fundy who is finally able to find the true worth in himself without depending on other people’s input. But for now, this reality remains in Fundy’s head, in Fundy’s dreams, and he needs to find a way to make this become his true reality.

Additionally, going back to the gambling motif, 100 is the highest possible poker chip one can have when gambling. This can direct back to Fundy’s connections to Quackity, the person with the highest authority in Las Nevadas.

Color Symbolism (The Importance of Orange)

I’ve established this in an essay in the past, but orange is an important color to Fundy. If I remember correctly, cc!Fundy’s favorite color is orange, so I’d like to believe that, for Fundy, orange would represent “happiness” or “safety”.

The first time we see orange in his portion is actually outside of his dream: his bed.

And it’s quite interesting because in Fundy’s “Fundy’s Mind” stream, these three beds all used to be orange. From my understanding, these two extra beds were meant to represent two other people Fundy may consider as friends. In the “Fundy’s Mind” stream, Fundy showed that only Ranboo and Niki were online, implying that the two extra beds were for them. If orange is meant to represent happiness, then it's implied he viewed Niki and Ranboo as his source for happiness.

But now, the two beds next to him are white, implying that he lost his sources of happiness. As if he had stopped communicating with Niki and Ranboo entirely.

Other places we see orange are in the dream itself.

Instead of the typical yellow sand desert we expect from Fundy’s dreams, we see a badlands biome. Yes, the name of the sand is “Red Sand”, but I don’t care because it just LOOKS orange, okay? It’s interesting that instead of yellow, the desert poses as Fundy’s favorite color. Orange is a safe color for Fundy, but we also have to remember that this is still a desert. Under the guise of Fundy’s favorite color is something that represents isolation and loneliness - fitting for a stream that’s about manipulation, no?

Additionally, on the way to the ruins of L’Manberg, Fundy and Quackity are guided with blue lanterns.

Blue is orange’s complementary color. We can think of it as orange’s opposite, representing everything that orange does not represent for Fundy. So, if blue can represent something that isn’t happiness and safety, and Quackity is leading Fundy to follow these blue lanterns, then these blue lanterns can be seen as a sign of deceit, of danger. And Fundy follows them anyway.

Entering the Camarvan

This was incredibly subtle, but I find it interesting that Quackity was able to open the Camarvan’s doors when Fundy has mentioned he was never able to do it in his own dreams. This can lead back to the idea that Quackity wants to present himself as someone great, as someone akin to a savior to Fundy. Because if Fundy can’t access the Camarvan in his dreams, and Quackity can, then he might view Quackity as superior in some way. He’s weak, he can’t do anything, but Quackity can, so naturally, he thinks of him as superior.

In the Shadows

This one is the most obvious, but by the end of Fundy’s portion, Quackity is seen slowly inching closer and closer to the shadows. To me, this represents that Fundy isn’t going to be uplifted by Quackity’s offer at all. Quackity is literally dragging him into the shadows even more, which is ironic considering the fact that he stated that he will help Fundy become more recognized. But the metaphor speaks volumes: Quackity is going to pull Fundy into a dark, dark place. His offer isn’t as nice as it sounds, and Fundy needs to be incredibly careful.

Hiding His Inventory

When Fundy wakes, he completely hides his inventory. He does this a lot throughout the stream, and while I don’t want to overanalyze since I know this might just be a cinematic choice, I can’t help but feel like this is a metaphor for Fundy losing himself. We don’t see his hand, we don’t see his inventory, his health or anything, we just see his surroundings, and most importantly, we see Quackity. Only Quackity.

iv. HARKENING BACK TO THE “FUNDY’S MIND” STREAM

As much as we still have many questions about the semantics of Fundy’s dreams, I do think there are a few things from this stream that did clarify certain aspects of the first stream. If not, there are at least certain parallels that we can’t exactly ignore either.

Quackity is the Forewarned “Him”

Do not join him.

Whatever he asks of you.

Do NOT join him.

his plans aren’t as nice as they sound.

his intentions aren’t what you think they are.

he will use you

he will destroy you

everything you ever loved

everyone you ever cared about

do not join him

This one is pretty self-explanatory. At this point, I do want to think that Quackity is, indeed, the “him” being referred to here. I do want to keep my mind open for future possibilities as the Dream SMP is littered with red herrings, but for now, it just makes the most sense that the book is referring to Quackity.

Additionally, from what the book mentions, it seems like Quackity doesn’t genuinely want to help Fundy. To be fair, we can’t fully be sure that Quackity’s intentions are purely evil, but the book does imply that Quackity only views Fundy as another pawn.

The Dangers of Sleeping for Too Long

The signed book in Fundy’s first dream seems to imply that there are consequences to staying in the dream world for too long. In my opinion, Fundy’s dream in Las Nevadas’ third episode shows what might possibly happen if Fundy stays for too long. The more Fundy uncovers the truths about his future, the more he gets exposed to traumatizing experiences like the one he had with Quackity.

Additionally, it’s been hinted by Fundy that when he wakes, he can’t exactly remember what his dream is about, but he can recall the emotions he’s felt while having them. So, if Fundy can only remember what he felt while dreaming, then the dread and horror he felt while witnessing nightmares pass over. The main con of this is that even if Fundy witnesses these future-predicting events in his dream, he won’t be able to avoid them when he wakes because he can’t remember them. So, all his dreams can do is literally traumatize him. No matter how many times it can warn him about Quackity, Fundy won’t even remember them. All he can remember is a sense of dread which only makes him more vulnerable in real life as his mental state worsens.

Hooded Figure

This kind of fits under the symbolism category, but to me, it’s interesting that both the hooded figure in the first dream and Quackity in the most recent dream kind of have the same blocking. Fundy goes outside and a figure waits for him, standing directly across Fundy’s door.

If the hooded figure is Quackity, it is interesting that they chased Fundy as if intending to murder him. Again, another warning for us to not trust Quackity.

v. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR FUNDY?

In the middle of writing this, Fundy decided to do a lore stream where he finally joins Las Nevadas, so we kinda know what’s going to happen. That lore stream was pretty interesting because a lot of the manipulation tactics I’ve mentioned earlier were used by Quackity once more to further convince Fundy to stay in Las Nevadas.

That’s not to say Quackity doesn’t genuinely believe in all the words he’s said to Fundy. I do think Quackity does believe in his statements on legacy and loneliness, but the thing we have to question is whether Quackity genuinely cares about Fundy’s wellbeing wholeheartedly. Because, let me be frank: if Las Nevadas ever gets terrorized, and Fundy’s life would be in danger, I don’t think Quackity would genuinely want to save him. It’s already heavily implied that Fundy is going to be used by Quackity, but I’m genuinely curious as to why. We know Quackity does want him to work there, but what are the specifics? What specific role does he want Fundy to play? Why is he going so far as to give Fundy a plot of land just for him to stay? What does Quackity specifically want from Fundy?

Again, I’m not sure, and all will be revealed in the future, but just know that I do not trust Quackity at all. He may have some true intentions but we know Quackity will do anything as long as it benefits whatever plan he has up his sleeve.

And I have to emphasize that if Fundy ever has a breakdown or experiences a traumatic event, it is NEVER going to be his fault. Because as much as we can say that “Fundy is bringing his own demise,” we have to remember that Quackity is the real mastermind behind anything that happens in Las Nevadas. Believing Fundy or any of Las Nevadas’ coworkers are at fault for something Quackity enabled is exactly what Quackity wants us to believe. 

Again, if any of the Las Nevadas members ever have a mental breakdown, or lose a canon life, there’s a good chance that Quackity knew this was going to happen and allowed it to happen in the first place. All coworkers at the moment are victims of Quackity’s manipulation, and we always have to keep that in mind.

vi. CLOSING REMARKS

Like I mentioned earlier, I am not a saint, so please do not view this essay as gospel. If you do enjoy it, feel free to like, reblog, and share it to other people! I’d appreciate any amount of support I get! If you want to discuss this topic further, feel free to message me or reply to this post!

Special thanks to Fundy, Quackity, and everyone else who participated in this lore stream. Additional special thanks to Alyssa for beta reading! :D

[bang-fantansies]

Yandere! God Profile - Taehyung

Human Amongst Gods [TEASER] - upcoming fic

Warnings: Suicidal! Taehyung, suicide attempt, mentions of anxiety, mentions of emotional numbness, mentions of death, mentions of afterlife, extreme isolation and loneliness, mythical creatures (imps).

I did my best to include any triggering topics mentioned in this post, but if you see any more potentially sensitive topics I may have missed, please let me know!

This does not represent Bangtan as people or a business, nor does it represent anyone/anything associated with them. This is purely fictional and was made for entertainment purposes only; not to slander anyone or any company.

Name: Kim Taehyung Occupation: God of Death

Taehyung had never had a life, so to speak.

On the contrary, he’d only ever known the fringes of it - the last whisper it would emit before being snuffed out. By him.

So was his purpose as he was hailed as the God of Death.

A title that comes with great power, Taehyung would soon discover.

But with such great power comes an even greater loneliness.

After all, most other gods from galaxies over knew of his reputation, and how to stay away from him if they wished to avoid an untimely death at the simple touch of his hands.

The same for mortals, he’d found.

Day in and day out, he’d sit at the sides of thousands of mortals, watching their soul drain from their body and take his arm as he guided them to their destination.

And every time he did so, he’d feel a sense of malice spike in the back of his mind.

He knew that mortals were released from their duty to wander the Universe a lost soul.

So why not him?

Or, at least, a companion to travel without him: to smile at him without fear in their eyes, to touch him without their body trembling.

But such a fantasy had never come to pass.

Not yet, at least.

And after being exiled from most areas of the Universe for all his life, Taehyung had accepted his fate as a dealer of death. The responsibility of cataloguing and distributing death throughout the Universe was a mighty job, after all.

So much so that he’d employed underlings - impish little beings - to bear the brunt of the work for him.

To release and record all the souls they’d freed that day.

And when all was said and done and his office imps went home for the day, he realised something.

He wasn’t going anywhere.

Even his subordinates had families and homes to go to, but he had nothing.

He just existed for the convenience of the Universe - to maintain the balance that allowed it to live on.

And so here he stood - before a window of a wall overlooking an empty planet he inhabited and used for his work.

The land was filled with office buildings identical to his own, stretching as far as the eye could see; a field of concrete.

Each building housed a thousand or so imps, all working to keep up with the ever-increasing demand of death records that required filing and uploading to the System.

And Taehyung looked upon them as he would his own children.

They were the only company he had. And even then his workers had never actually seen him, for he spent his days cooped up in his office or out harvesting lives.

This was for their benefit, of course. Hellish creatures like them were not immune to Taehyung’s touch.

No-one was.

Taehyung’s reflection gazed back at him, the buildings taking a backseat as it came to focus on the stranger before him.

With so little experience and so little identity, would the Universe really collapse without his effort?

Would anything change if he were to...disappear?

Taehyung oftentimes found himself wondering such a concept in the few spare minutes the day held for him, but before a decision could come to fruition, he was called say to a far-off galaxy to harvest the lives of the ready-to-depart.

Taehyung bit his lip and glanced back into the confines of his office.

Red carpet, four walls of sheer darkness, all glass yet revealing nothing but darkness.

There were no achievements to be held on shelves or written in history books.

The only thing to be written in books about Taehyung were the deaths he’d orchestrated and recorded himself.

He literally had nothing to show for his life, despite having existed for many thousands of years.

Taehyung stuck one hand in a pocket of his suit, raising his other before the glass and making a swiping motion before it.

The glass vanished, simply fading from existence, allowing the frozen winds of Taehyung’s planet to invade the office.

Eyes half-lidded, taehyung peered over the edge.

Nothing but a straight drop for miles.

Taehyung knew what death entailed for mortals, but for gods, he had no idea.

No god had ever shown signs of having reached another place after death, which was a good incentive for other gods to avoid Taehyung.

The fear of the unknown bound them to their current existence, making them claw at any chance of survival they could reach when faced with dire circumstances.

With this in mind, Taehyung continued to lean over the ledge, gazing down into the pits of the desolate city.

The promises of the cycle of isolation his life had been urged him further.

He took a step forward, tips of his shoes peaking over the ledge.

He could feel the cold intensely, for it pierced his jacket, almost as if trying to push him back into his office.

“You had your chance. Now I get to decide who lives and who dies.”

His voice was carried by the wind, the high altitude ensuring that the message would reach no-one, to become a mere footnote in the grand scheme of things.

A final word to those that had pushed him away - forced him into his own corner and expected him to survive.

A particularly harsh blast of wind made him wobble, though he made an effort to try and keep his balance.

The numbness that came with his profession was lightly pierced by doubt, a flash of anxiety.

The most primal part of him knew this wasn’t the answer to his problems. With any luck, he’d simply become part of the darkness from which he had been plucked to begin with if he actually went through with this.

But even that had to be better than a lifetime of isolation, right?

On shaky legs, Taehyung inched over the edge, keeping his heels firmly planted in the carpet of his office.

He willed his eyes shut, the combination of the iced winds and the anticipation of falling made them flicker - fight - to stay open.

“It’s all over now,” he promised. “No need to fear.”

His own assurances eased his nerves, giving him the last push he’d need to right the wrongs his existence had brought.

The world slowed, Taehyung forcing a leg forwards to hover over the edge.

The frost nipped at his exposed skin as the leg of his trousers could do little to battle the winds.

His balance loosened, causing him to sway back and forth with the grace of an antique rocking horse.

He was so close to freedom.

He could feel himself lighten as the weight of worlds dropped from his shoulders.

But solice was not meant for him.

Not like this.

Behind him, his phone chimed.

It was not the same sound he’d hear when he was notified of another death.

No, this was the unfamiliar tinkling of a bell: a stark contrast to the melancholy hum he’d installed when he was to be called to work.

His ears pricked, so finely tuned to the sound of a knell that this fresh noise frightened him, almost tipping him over the edge.

A quiet part of him begged him to check what it was - anything to get away from the ledge.

The much larger, number half barked at him to hold his ground, stick to his guns and just get this whole ordeal over with.

He knew who to listen to - he knew when he saw the notification he’d find a reason not to carry out his plan.

And despite knowing nothing of the notification or its nature, Taehyung hesitated.

It would be a shame to die a curious man, he thought.

Besides, it was probably nothing important. Then he could spend an eternity in peace without wondering what this sound could mean.

Taehyung brought his leg back in, stumbling away from the ledge.

The prick of anxiety he’d experienced before quietened yet stayed at his side, an accomplice to his survival.

He left the window open, however.

Sighing, he shuffled over to his desk - a deep and dark mahogany - and died his phone lying dead-centre.

With Taehyung’s presence near, thy e screen aprung to action, displaying a notification.

It was a message. Sent from an unknown number.

Taehyung arched an eyebrow and brought the phone close to his face, unlocking it and opening his messages.

His contact list was barren save for this mystery caller.

Aware of this, he had adopted the presumption that it was a nuisance caller.

Though who dared to play jokes on such a deadly force as himself, Taehyung had no idea who would have the balls to even come up with such an idea.

And he checked.

He wanted to know who had jested him before his demise.

The message was blunt, void of courtesy, yet held a string of salvation for Taehyung.

There is another way.

Taehyung glanced over his shoulder and out to the sea of buildings .

Had someone seen him?

It wouldn’t be a surprise considering some of the imps were bound to still be at work, though Taehyung’s office was so far above the clouds that he’d assumed no-one would have spotted him.

I can only hope that I’m not too late.

I can help you.

Attached to the second message was a picture of a woman, a halo hanging above her head like a target.

Taehyung’s eyes widened, his breath short.

Pale fingers fumbled for his tie, pulling it loose while he observed the picture further.

He knew that halo.

He’d seen only one other like it in his many thousands of years of life, and even then it wasn’t glowing with life.

It had been while he was visiting a museum dedicated to gods past, and such a relic had appeared in a heavily-guarded display case.

Without its owner to wear it, it was neither as vibrant nor as beautiful as it lay on a satin pillow, merely resembling a circle of bone rather than an ethereal object.

But it’s brilliance enraptured him all the same.

He’d believed it a fable - a legend created to keep him tame and willing to do his job.

A legend of a soul who could withstand Taehyung’s killing touch.

And here he was, seeing it for a second time, in action.

Interested?

Taehyung found himself pausing.

This could just be a trick, he told himself.

But...what if it wasn’t fake?

He requested proof that the image was real.

The response was clear cut and blunt.

I can take you to her.

Taehyung glanced over his shoulder again, paranoia projecting shadows in the corners of his vision.

Still, nothing but the open window.

He glanced back down at his phone.

What did he have to lose?

All right.

Take me to her.

I will. The stranger typed.

But first, I need you to do something for me.

I don’t own the pictures used in the moodboard, but I edited the moodboard myself.

[faraway-wanderer]

BOOKS BY ASIAN AUTHORS MASTERLIST #stopasianhate

In light of recent events and the growing anti- Asian hate in the US and UK over the course of the pandemic I wanted to put together a masterlist of books by Asian authors. Obviously, it’s not extensive and there are HUNDREDS out there, but supporting art by Asian creators is a way of showing support; read their stories, educate ourselves. It goes without saying that we should all be putting effort into reading stories of POC and by POC because even through fiction we’re learning about different cultures, countries and heritages. So here’s some books to start with by Asian authors!

Here is a link also for resources to educate and petitions to sign (especially if you don’t read haha). It’s important that we educate ourselves and uplift Asian voices right now. Your anti-racism has to include every minority that faces it.

https://anti-asianviolenceresources.carrd.co/

for UK peeps, this is a good read: We may not hear about the anti Asian racism happening here, but it is definitely happening. https://www.harpersbazaar.com/uk/culture/culture-news/a35692226/its-time-we-stopped-downplaying-the-uks-anti-asian-racism/

 THE BOOKS:

·         War Cross- Marie Lu ( the worldbuilding in this is IMMENSE.)

For the millions who log in every day, Warcross isn’t just a game—it’s a way of life. The obsession started ten years ago and its fan base now spans the globe, some eager to escape from reality and others hoping to make a profit. 

·         Star Daughter- Shveta Thakrar

A beautiful story about a girl who is half human and half star, and she must go to the celestial court to try to save her father after he has fallen ill. And before she knows it, she is taking part in a magical competition that she must win!

·         These Violent Delights- Chloe Gong (I told my little sister to read this book yesterday bc she has a thing for a Leo as Romeo- so if you want deadly good looking Romeos, badass Juliet’s and to learn about 1920s Shanghai- this is for you.)

The year is 1926, and Shanghai hums to the tune of debauchery. A blood feud between two gangs runs the streets red, leaving the city helpless in the grip of chaos. A Romeo and Juliet retelling.

·         The Poppy War- R.F Kuang (My fave fantasy series just fyi- it’s soul crushing in the best way. Rebecca Kuang is a god of an author).

A brilliantly imaginative talent makes her exciting debut with this epic historical military fantasy, inspired by the bloody history of China’s twentieth century and filled with treachery and magic, in the tradition of Ken Liu’s Grace of Kings and N.K. Jemisin’s Inheritance Trilogy.

·         Loveboat Taipei-  Abigail Hing Wen  (Really heartwarming and insightful!)

When eighteen-year-old Ever Wong’s parents send her from Ohio to Taiwan to study Mandarin for the summer, she finds herself thrust among the very over-achieving kids her parents have always wanted her to be, including Rick Woo, the Yale-bound prodigy profiled in the Chinese newspapers since they were nine—and her parents’ yardstick for her never-measuring-up life.

·         Sorcerer to the Crown- Zen Cho (if anyone is looking for another Howl’s Moving Castle, look no further than this book)

At his wit’s end, Zacharias Wythe, freed slave, eminently proficient magician, and Sorcerer Royal of the Unnatural Philosophers—one of the most respected organizations throughout all of Britain—ventures to the border of Fairyland to discover why England’s magical stocks are drying up.

·         Emergency Contact- Mary H.K. Choi (very wholesome and fun rom-com!)

For Penny Lee high school was a total nonevent. When she heads to college in Austin, Texas, to learn how to become a writer, it’s seventy-nine miles and a zillion light years away from everything she can’t wait to leave behind.

 ·         Jade City- Fonda Lee (I am reading this currently and can I just say- I think everyone who loves fantasy and blood feuds in a story should read this.)

JADE CITY is a gripping Godfather-esque saga of intergenerational blood feuds, vicious politics, magic, and kungfu. The Kaul family is one of two crime syndicates that control the island of Kekon. It's the only place in the world that produces rare magical jade, which grants those with the right training and heritage superhuman abilities.

 ·         A Pho Love Story- Loan Le

When Dimple Met Rishi meets Ugly Delicious in this funny, smart romantic comedy, in which two Vietnamese-American teens fall in love and must navigate their newfound relationship amid their families’ age-old feud about their competing, neighbouring restaurants.

·         Rebelwing- Andrea Tang

Business is booming for Prudence Wu. A black-market-media smuggler and scholarship student at the prestigious New Columbia Preparatory Academy, Pru is lucky to live in the Barricade Coalition where she is free to study, read, watch, and listen to whatever she wants.

·         Wings of the Locust- Joel Donato Ching Jacob

Tuan escapes his mundane and mediocre existence when he is apprenticed to Muhen, a charming barangay wiseman. But, as he delves deeper into the craft of a mambabarang and its applications in espionage, sabotage and assassination, the young apprentice is overcome by conflicting emotions that cause him to question his new life.

 ·         The Travelling Cat Chronicles- Hiro Arikawa

Sometimes you have to leave behind everything you know to find the place you truly belong...

Nana the cat is on a road trip. He is not sure where he's going or why, but it means that he gets to sit in the front seat of a silver van with his beloved owner, Satoru. 

 ·         Super Fake Love Song- David Yoon

From the bestselling author of Frankly in Love comes a contemporary YA rom-com where a case of mistaken identity kicks off a string of (fake) events that just may lead to (real) love.

  ·         Parachutes- Kelly Yang

Speak enters the world of Gossip Girl in this modern immigrant story from New York Times bestselling author Kelly Yang about two girls navigating wealth, power, friendship, and trauma.

·         The Grace of Kings- Ken Liu ( One of the Time 100 Best Fantasy Books Of All Time!)

Two men rebel together against tyranny—and then become rivals—in this first sweeping book of an epic fantasy series from Ken Liu, recipient of Hugo, Nebula, and World Fantasy awards.

·         Wicked Fox- Kat Cho

A fresh and addictive fantasy-romance set in modern-day Seoul.

 ·         Descendant of the Crane- Joan He

In this shimmering Chinese-inspired fantasy, debut author Joan He introduces a determined and vulnerable young heroine struggling to do right in a world brimming with deception.

 ·         Pachinko- Min Jin Lee

Richly told and profoundly moving, Pachinko is a story of love, sacrifice, ambition, and loyalty. From bustling street markets to the halls of Japan's finest universities to the pachinko parlors of the criminal underworld, Lee's complex and passionate characters--strong, stubborn women, devoted sisters and sons, fathers shaken by moral crisis--survive and thrive against the indifferent arc of history.

·         America is in the Heart- Carlos Bulosan

First published in 1946, this autobiography of the well known Filipino poet describes his boyhood in the Philippines, his voyage to America, and his years of hardship and despair as an itinerant laborer following the harvest trail in the rural West.

 ·         Days of Distraction- Alexandra Chang

A wry, tender portrait of a young woman — finally free to decide her own path, but unsure if she knows herself well enough to choose wisely—from a captivating new literary voice.

·         The Astonishing Colour of After Emily X.R Pan

Alternating between real and magic, past and present, friendship and romance, hope and despair, The Astonishing Color of After is a novel about finding oneself through family history, art, grief, and love. 

·         The Gilded Wolves- Roshani Chokshi

It's 1889. The city is on the cusp of industry and power, and the Exposition Universelle has breathed new life into the streets and dredged up ancient secrets. Here, no one keeps tabs on dark truths better than treasure-hunter and wealthy hotelier Séverin Montagnet-Alarie. When the elite, ever-powerful Order of Babel coerces him to help them on a mission, Séverin is offered a treasure that he never imagined: his true inheritance.

·         When Dimple met Rishi- Sandhya Menon

Dimple and Rishi may think they have each other figured out. But when opposites clash, love works hard to prove itself in the most unexpected ways.

·         On Earth we’re briefly Gorgeous- Ocean Vuong

Poet Ocean Vuong's debut novel is a shattering portrait of a family, a first love, and the redemptive power of storytelling.

·         Fierce Fairytales- Nikita Gill

Complete with beautifully hand-drawn illustrations by Gill herself, Fierce Fairytales is an empowering collection of poems and stories for a new generation.

 BOOKS BEING RELEASED LATER THIS YEAR TO PREORDER:

·         Counting down with you- Tashie Bhuiyan- 4th May

A reserved Bangladeshi teenager has twenty-eight days to make the biggest decision of her life after agreeing to fake date her school’s resident bad boy.

How do you make one month last a lifetime?

·         Gearbreakers- Zoe Hana Mikuta- June 29th

Two girls on opposite sides of a war discover they're fighting for a common purpose--and falling for each other--in Zoe Hana Mikuta's high-octane debut Gearbreakers, perfect for fans of Pacific Rim, Pierce Brown's Red Rising Saga, and Marie Lu's Legend series

·         XOXO- Axie Oh- 13th July

When a relationship means throwing Jenny’s life off the path she’s spent years mapping out, she’ll have to decide once and for all just how much she’s willing to risk for love.

·         She who became the sun- Shelley Parker-Chan- 20th July

Mulan meets The Song of Achilles in Shelley Parker-Chan's She Who Became the Sun, a bold, queer, and lyrical reimagining of the rise of the founding emperor of the Ming Dynasty from an amazing new voice in literary fantasy.

·         Jade Fire Gold- June C.L Tan- October 12th

Two girls on opposite sides of a war discover they're fighting for a common purpose--and falling for each other--in Zoe Hana Mikuta's high-octane debut Gearbreakers, perfect for fans of Pacific Rim, Pierce Brown's Red Rising Saga, and Marie Lu's Legend series

  Keep sharing, signing petitions and donating where you can. The more people who are actively anti-racist, the better. And if your anti-racism doesn’t include the Asian community then go and educate yourself! BLM wasn’t a trend and neither is this. We have to stand up against white supremacy, and racism and stereotypes and we have to support the communities that need our support. Part of that can include cultivating your reading so you’re reading more diversely and challenging any stereotypes western society may have given you.

 Feel free to reblog and add any more recommendations and resources of course!

[nic0lebcu]

should humans stop procreating?

“Again I looked, and I considered all the oppression taking place under the sun. I saw the tears of the oppressed, and they had no comforter; the power lay in the hands of their oppressors, and there was no comforter. So I admired the dead, who had already died, above the living, who are still alive. But better than both is he who has not yet existed, who has not seen the evil that is done under the sun. - Ecclesiastes 4:1”

Last week I discovered the term “anti-natalism”. As you may have been able to guess, anti-natalists are against natalism - giving birth, procreation, or otherwise the continuation of life on this planet. They believe birthing children into an inherently flawed world is ethically wrong..environmentally irresponsible, even.. and in a way I don’t blame them. The fact that a set of humans can assume the responsibility of creating and then birthing another human into the world without its consent, exposing it to a lifetime of danger and suffering doesn’t exactly seem fair to me. No one ever asks a child whether or not they want to be born. Their souls are brought to earth against their will and are then expected to just deal with the circumstances they’ve been given.

We are all fighting for our lives here, until our inevitable death.

Parents selfishly procreate with regard to only their own self-interest. Because, lets face it, even the most well-intentioned parents may be unknowingly nurturing serial killer, rapist, mass murderer, pedophilic sociopath spawn from within the womb. How a child perceives the world on its own and what it then does with this perception out in the world is always a mystery until AFTER the child is born. So having children is a risk…always a risk. 

Take Ted Bundy, for instance, who had a relatively normal childhood and even claimed to be treated very well by his parents. He would later grow up to be truly horrendous - kidnapping, raping, and murdering at least 30 women all before the age of 43. There are many others out there, just like Ted Bundy; and many more waiting to be born...

Every year, thousands of kids end up in foster care because their parents can’t take care of them. Thousands more go hungry and get sick. The fact that a child will be bullied and experience emotional abuse at some point is inevitable. And it’s all their parent’s fault. There are dangers in this world that no amount of sheltering will protect their children from; suffering is just a consequence of a child being born. What if we could spare any more lives from experiencing that same fate by just not having children?

We’ve been warned for years that the world is becoming overpopulated. Whether that’s true or not is consistently up for debate; but there’s no denying the human race’s impact on the earth has not always been a fruitful one. In fact, we are the ones destroying the world and each other while we’re at it. We are the very monsters that we assume only exist in works of fiction and fantasy. Yes, there is plenty of good we have done since being given the responsibility of populating the earth. But what if populating the earth is the very thing that is destroying us? This is the question that anti-natalism postulates and concludes that life is pointless and there’s no real reason to procreate. That life should end with us and it shouldn’t be an aspiration while living to continue it. The only real way to achieve world peace is to ultimately stop creating human beings. And it is when, and only when, humans cease to exist that world peace will truly be achieved. 

How’s that as food for thought?

Throughout my life this notion of anti-natalism and wishing I’d never been born has been a recurring theme. Unhealed trauma will do that to a person. I’ve had moments where I thought the wounds being inflicted upon me were intentional by some unseen force and that all of life was just a sick game where I was at the mercy of a sadistic god that hates me. 

Viewing the world through that type of lens, why would I want to bring more children here? What the earth really needs is to be destroyed, so pressing that red button right now would be doing all of us a favor. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have fantasies of being the one to smash it. I’m human; and at the core of every human is a shadow side with which we coexist.

So, why are people still having children? Are the ones having them oblivious to the fact that they’re contributing to world suffering? Or have they realized something anti-natalists haven’t?

As much as we’d like to, we can’t remove suffering from the world ourselves. Though we may try, it’s impossible. As much as we hate to accept it.. life is suffering, and perhaps people having babies have learned to accept something Buddha discovered along time ago.

“Life is suffering.”

There’s no escaping it.

But there are ways to cope.

For some, having children brings them the hope that they may be able to find a little joy in living…because life is short, and is suffering, but joy can be found in things as typical as having a child. For some, having children takes the focus off themselves and their own suffering and inspires them try and make life better for someone else. While still arguably a selfish act, it’s a good deed nonetheless. What can we do? We were given these bodies…are we not supposed to use them? We’ll never be able to control all the unpleasant experiences waiting to happen to our kids, but we can at least TRY to give them a good life and help guide them along with what we know. As with most things in life, we can only do our best… and isn’t that all God should be expecting of us anyway? We’re only human.

One of the core and founding components of the bible was that Jesus was born and gave hope to all humanity. Born of another human into a flesh and blood body made him a mortal being, susceptible to all the things we’re susceptible to. But yet, it was His destiny to become Jesus. And has since been the light and life-giving figure we know today. What if Jesus had never been born?

He was born, however, to save humans…aaand if there were no humans we wouldn’t need saving now would we?

But the fact of the matter is that there ARE humans. And there are some humans who are born to leave a legacy behind. 

There are two types of people: those that save and those that need saving…. maybe you’re one of them? And maybe, just maybe, that’s the purpose of being given life.

[arcticdementor]

Kayfabe is a treasured part of pro wrestling culture. Kayfabe refers to the commitment of everyone involved (the wrestlers, the refs, the announcers, and to a certain degree the fans) to maintaining the shared fiction that pro wrestling matches are unscripted. (Wrestling is real, in the sense that the athletes are taking real punishment and risk really getting hurt, and there is a degree of improvisation, but the outcomes are predetermined.) Kayfabe has had a kind of mythical importance to many in the pro wrestling community: you keep kayfabe no matter what, even in the event of serious injury, out of a sense of sacred commitment. Crucial to understanding kayfabe is that it is not an attempt to deceive the audience. Modern wrestling is in some ways perfectly open about the scripted nature of the matches. Fooling people is not the point. If every fan signed an affidavit saying they knew the outcomes were predetermined the wrestlers would still keep kayfabe, out of commitment to the culture. Kayfabe is a mutually-approved illusion. It is artifice, but it is mutually agreed upon artifice, a consensual fantasy.

Our current political culture is kayfabe.

The illusion that we pretend to believe is that we are in some sort of uniquely politically fertile moment for progressivism and social justice, that we are experiencing a social revolution or “Great Awokening.” Further, we keep kayfabe by acting as if we believe that certain policies like police abolition or abolishing border enforcement (or if you prefer utterly meaningless sloganeering, “abolishing ICE”) are tangibly viable in anything like the near future. I say that these are kayfabe to emphasize my belief that most people who endorse these beliefs are well aware that they are not true, and to underline the sense in which the commitment to unreality is mutual, an expression of a strange kind of social contract. Most thinking adults comprehend the current moment and understand that the hand of establishment power and the influence of social inertia are as strong as ever. (Why would you feel otherwise?) But because people have understandably been moved by recent righteous calls for justice, they feel they must accept the fiction of a new awakening to show solidarity with the victims of injustice. This is emotionally understandable, but strategically counterproductive. And indeed one thing that has defined these new social movements is their relentless commitment to the emotional over the strategic.

…

Living in a culture of political kayfabe is a strange experience. It feels the way that, I imagine, it feels to live under a truly authoritarian government, where you’re constantly having exchanges where everyone involved knows that what they’re saying is bogus but you push right through the cognitive dissonance with a smile on your face. Only you’re not compelled by the fear of torture or imprisonment but of vague-but-intense social dictates, of the crucial priority of appearing to be the right kind of person. So often political conversations today have this dual quality where you feel forced to constantly evaluate what your interlocutor actually believes even as propriety compels you to take seriously what’s coming out of their mouth.

A major negative consequence of our commitment to kayfabe lies in our acceptance of behaviors we would ordinarily never accept, under the theory that this is such a special time, we need to shut up and go along with it. Take our broken discourse, as frequently discussed in “cancel culture” debates. My experience and my intuition tell me that almost everyone in the progressive/left/socialist world knows that our discourse norms and culture are totally fucked up. Trust me: most people in liberal spaces, Black and white, male and female, trans and cis, most certainly including people in academia and media, are well aware that we’ve entered into a bizarre never-ending production of The Crucible we can’t get out of. They’re probably just as sick of Woko Haram as I am.

But they’re either empowered and enriched by this state of affairs, and don’t want the party to end, or they’re holding on for dear life trying not to get their lives ruined for speaking out of turn. Look past self-interest and self-preservation and you’ll find that everybody knows that the way left spaces work now is horribly broken and dysfunctional. The problem is that thinking people who would ordinarily object don’t because they’ve been convinced that this is some sort of special moment pregnant with progressive potential, and that is more important than rights, compassion, or fairness. So we maintain a shared pretense that things are cool the way you go through the motions on an awful date where you’re both aware you’ll never see each other again.

If I say “cancel culture,” normies indeed don’t know what I’m talking about, because they are healthy, adjusted people with a decent set of priorities who value their own time and lives too much to get caught up in all of this horseshit. But if I say “cancel culture” in front of a bunch of politics-obsessed professional-class shitlibs they will pretend to not know what I’m talking about. They’ll put on a rich fucking show. They do an impression of Cletus from The Simpsons and go “cancel culture?!? Hyuck hyuck what’re that? I’m not knowing cancel culture, I’m just a simple country lad!” These are people who have read more about cancel culture in thinkpieces than I read about any topic in a year. But pretending you don’t know what cancel culture is happens to be a key part of the performance, a naked in-group signifier, so they pretend. The “I don’t know what cancel culture is” bullshit performance is kayfabe at its most infuriating. I know you know what cancel culture is because you’re currently using it to demonstrate your culture positioning by pretending you don’t know what it is. You fucking simpleton.

People say and do weird shit and it’s all wrong but you just pretend like it isn’t. Who wants to be the one caught making waves? When you’re in a group of people and someone engages in something patently ridiculous - when, for example, someone says “AAVE” in an ordinary social situation with no academic or political reason to use jargon, even though everyone there knows the phrase “the way Black people talk” is more elegant, useful, and true - and the moment passes and there’s this inability to look each other in the eye, when everybody starts studying their drink and clearing their throat, that’s life under kayfabe.

Getting to this is not normal. It’s not a healthy state of affairs. It can only happen when people come to believe that self-preservation requires pretending things are OK.

…

It is at this point that people say that “defund” does not mean “abolish,” which is true, and Defund the Police indeed does not mean “abolish the police.” Defund the police means nothing, now, though I’m sure that the people who started using it had noble intentions. At this point it’s a floating signifier, an empty slogan that people rallied around with zero understanding of what semantic content it could possibly contain. If it’s meant to be a radical demand, why use the vocabulary of an actuary? If it’s meant to mean a meaningful but strategic drawdown of resources, why use it interchangeably with “abolish”? I cannot imagine a more comprehensive failure of basic political messaging than Defund the Police. Amateur hour from beginning to end.

I take the political concept of alternatives to policing seriously, in the same way I take many political ideas seriously that are not likely achievable in my lifetime. I know there are deeply serious people who are profoundly committed to these principles and who have thought them through responsibly. I appreciate their work and become better informed from what they say. But their ideas did not reign last year. A faddish embrace of a thoughtless caricature of police abolition reigned, pushed with maximum aggression and minimal introspection by the shock troops of contemporary progressive ideas, overeducated white people with more sarcasm than sense.

Policing will not end tomorrow or next month or next year. And whoever you are, reading this, you are well aware of that fact. The odds of police abolition in any substantial portion of this country are nil. Indeed, I would say that the likelihood of meaningful reduction in policing in any large region of this country, whether measured by patrolling or funding or manpower, is small. Individual cities may reduce their police forces by a substantial fraction, and I suspect that they will not suddenly devolve into Mega-City One as a result. (Though I can’t say initial data in this regard is encouraging.) I hope we learn important lessons about intelligent and effective police reform and more sensible resource allocation from those places. But the vast majority of cities will not meaningfully change their policing budgets, due to both the legitimate lack of political will for such a thing - including in communities of color - and broken municipal politics with bad incentives.

…

Living under kayfabe makes you yearn for plainspoken communication, for letting the mask fall. The professed inability of progressives to understand why woke-skeptical publications like this one keep succeeding financially is itself a slice of kayfabe. They know people are paying for Substacks and podcasts and subscribing to YouTubes and Patreons because it’s exhausting to constantly spend all of your time pretending things that don’t make sense make sense, pretending that you believe things you don’t to avoid the social consequences of telling the truth.

When you’re someone who spent the past several decades arguing that the American university system is not hostile to conservative students, that it doesn’t try to force extremely contentious leftist views onto students, and then you watch this video, how do you react? I think many people, most people, even most people committed to the BLM cause, see that video and wince. That is not how we get there. Browbeating 20 year olds for not parroting your politics back at you is not how racial justice gets advanced. But if you’re caught in this moment, how do you object? Acknowledge that, yes, in fact, it is now plainly the case that many professors see it as their job to forcefully insist on the truth of deeply controversial claims to their students, berating them until they acquiesce? Well that would be an unpleasant conversation with the other parents when you pick up your kid from Montessori school. So you just choose not to see, or keep you mouth shut, or speak in a way that maintains the illusion.

I mean there is the absurdity of what she’s saying to contend with - the now fairly common view that policing was literally invented in the antebellum South purely to enforce slavery, because in ancient Rome if someone came in your house and stole your stuff you’d just be like “oh damn, that sucks.” Is there a relationship between modern policing and slavery? Of course. Does the legacy of slavery and Jim Crow infect modern policing at every point? Sure. Should we make political and policy decisions that recognize that historical influence on policing, especially given the racist reality of policing right now? Yes. But what good does it do anyone to pretend that the concept of “the police” is 250 years old? Why on earth would we get the correct shit we do believe tangled up with this bizarre shit we don’t believe? (The professor in that video does not herself honestly believe the police were invented to support African slavery in 18th and 19th century America.) Because this utterly ahistorical idea is being promulgated by people who claim to speak from a position of justice, we are forced to assign seriousness to it that it hasn’t earned, seriousness that it could never deserve. Because we live in a world of mutual delusion. Because of kayfabe.

…

And the fact that some will wrinkle their noses about this piece and its arguments, go about their days of progressive performance art, and pretend they don’t believe every word they just read? That’s kayfabe, my friend. That’s kayfabe. And we’re trapped in it, all of us, you and I. You know it’s all bullshit. Will you keep the code anyway? I’m willing to bet that the answer is yes.

[otg2012]

These Hearts Were Never Meant to Beat Alone  |  Day 3: Future fic

Stiles and Jackson go on their first date and this is how their dinner ends. 

The previous parts of this flashback are here:

So Damn Blue  |  Your Heart Will Never Be Broken by Me  | 

Sex, Truth and a Minimum of Bullshit   |  Confirmation Denied    

Notes: This is the end of my series "What If It's You?" in which Jackson is a spy and Stiles is a journalist.  

“About this thing that you do that cannot be mentioned… did you always know that you wanted to do it? I’ve always wondered if there’s some kind of call for that,” Stiles admits. “Or you just wake up one day and you say, risking my life for a living sounds good.”

“When you put it like that, what I do doesn't sound too different from a firefighter or a policeman, you know? Maybe you should ask your father, don’t you think?”

“Come on, you know what I mean,” Stiles insists. “And for my dad, of course, I know he couldn’t see himself doing anything else. That’s what he always wanted to do.” Stiles says, waving both arms. “Is that what happened to you?”

Jackson snorts, shaking his head. “No, I have two years of law school under my belt. I thought my future was being a lawyer. Somehow I convinced myself it was a way to make money and help people at the same time… and of course, my parents totally loved the idea. Not to mention that Kane, my best friend at the time, was also at college with me…”

“So what happened?”

Jackson snorts once more. “What happened is that I got terribly bored, I guess. My marks were decent but I wasn’t brilliant… and I was supposed to be brilliant,” Jackson says matter-of-factly. “Hard as I tried, I couldn’t find the motivation to achieve what I was supposed to achieve. So, I lost interest and after my second year, I left and never came back.”

“Wow, that had to be hard,” Stiles offers obviously surprised.

“Yeah, it was,” Jackson nods, absolutely serious.

“And what did you do?” Stiles asks warily, biting his lip.

“Well, I was a mess. My parents didn’t get it, my best friend didn’t get it and even I didn’t totally get it. Because I knew I could actually finish it, and pass the bar and find a job… but also, in the back of my mind, I knew I couldn’t go on if I didn’t have a passion for it, you know… but for a while there I really thought I was stupid for not seeing it sooner… for wasting two fucking years of my life before I saw it. And I thought something was wrong with me… some people would call it a crisis, I suppose…” Jackson shrugs. “In the end, I left… stayed in France for a while… then I was backpacking through Europe… and decided to study economics and most probably start my own business in the future.”

“But that’s not what happened…” Stiles shakes his head.

“No... My boss… he changed all that. Somehow he trusted me, he recruited me and I realized this is what I was supposed to do.”

“You found your destiny,” Stiles declares. “Wow… that’s so cool.”

Jackson smiles. “I guess, it’s cool, yeah.”

“What about you? Is your call being a journalist?”

“I think so, yeah.” Stiles nods. “When I was a teenager, I thought I wanted to be a writer…”

“Really? Jackson raises his eyebrows.

“Yep. I have a lot of imagination in case you haven’t noticed—”

“Oh, I’ve noticed,” Jackson smirks.

“But writing is not a career… you have to be lucky to actually make money with it.”

“So, you just forgot about it?” Jackson furrows his brow.

“As employment? Yeah, I did… but I still, I write… just a hobby… plus, it’s not like I have a lot of free time… and anyway, I love my job… I don’t write fiction but I write about things that matter—our reality— and that’s important… Hopefully, I make a difference showing what’s going on out there and you know, every day is different and I never get bored. I guess not many people get to say that… although of course, you’re not one of those.”

Jackson gets that and he believes him, but something tells that probably those are all things that help him cope with the fact that he’s not doing what would have been his first choice.

“I mean,” Stiles continues, “unless, you got so used to traveling and kicking strangers who follow you…” Stiles gestures with his hand. “In that case, maybe you should have become a lawyer after all.”

“God, no,” Jackson smiles, shaking his head. “I wouldn’t change what I do for anything. And you know, if I hadn’t kicked you, we wouldn’t be here right now…”

“That’s most probably true,” Stiles smirks.

“It is,” Jackson bites his lip. “And believe me, I’ve told you stuff that…” Jackson snorts, smiling, “few people know about me.”

And that is honesty right there. It’s true he’s not been on a date in a long time but still, now that he thinks about it, he can’t remember a date where he talked as much about himself as he has tonight. Obviously, there’s something about this guy that makes it easy to talk and just be himself in a way that doesn’t really come natural to him. Thank god Lydia won’t find out what they talked about because if she did, she would be teasing him about it endlessly.

“Well, I hope that means that you wanna see me again… even if I’m only really good at English and I’ve asked more questions that you probably wanted in your lifetime.”

Jackson drinks some more wine and licks his lips. “Yeah, but I’ll just text you next time. I hope it’s not too disappointing.”

Stiles smiles. “I admit it. I could get used to your fingers sliding inside my pocket, but I think I can deal with it. And you know, since it’s been established that your so called-plan for Christmas Day absolutely sucks, I think you should come over to my place and have lunch with my father and me. I’ll be cooking, not him, so it’s safe to say that you won’t die of starvation.”

“Wait—Your father and you?” Jackson raises his eyebrows.

“Yeah, he’s coming to visit for a few days. But don’t worry, if it bothers you that he knows that we are… you know…” Stiles waves his arms.

“Dating?” Jackson tries hard not to smirk. Stiles can be really ridiculous.

“Yeah. If that bothers you, you can come as a friend. I’m not trying to con you into anything… it’s just Christmas lunch… between friends. Well, family and friends… two friends.” Stiles closes his eyes for a moment, waving his arms. “You know what I mean.”

“I don’t think that me meeting your father is the best idea you’ve ever had… especially after just one date.”

“On the contrary, everybody likes my father. There’s even the risk that you could like him more than me…” Stiles smiles. “And hell, I just don’t want you to be alone. Besides, I’m sure anything is better than whatever you are going to eat at home after working out like a maniac.”

Jackson rolls his eyes dramatically but finally nods. “Fine. Whatever. I’ll go… but don’t do that. Don’t lie to him. As I said before, what’s the point of lying?” It feels stupid to do that. If the father is half as smart as Stiles is, he will see the way his son looks at Jackson and will know the truth anyway.

“Okay. I won’t.” Stiles shakes his head.

“So, are you gonna order any dessert or what? They are pretty good at this place.”

“Are you kidding? I never say no to dessert… especially cake… chocolate cake or apple cake… any cake, really...”

The way Stiles’ face illuminates at the idea of cake is too cute… maybe even beautiful. Jackson can’t help but grin. Somehow Stiles’ eagerness is contagious and he wants some cake too… and the thing is he never has cake. Too many calories.

“Cake, it is,” Jackson says nonchalantly, looking around to find a waiter.

[animebw]

Farewell, Gintama

There is no easy way to say goodbye to something you love.

Gintama has been a show unlike any other to me. It has defined this blog of mine for the past six months- just under 2/3 of its entire existence. It has introduced me to so many wonderful people and fans. It has given me so much faith in my own ability to make this little project worth something, to create and analyze in ways that genuinely connect with people. It’s given me so much that I could never possibly repay it for. It is, without a doubt, my single favorite fictional property of all time. How the hell can I possibly leave it behind, even just for now? How can I close the chapter on six months of laughter, tears, and love?

Well, I suppose I can start with two simple words:

Thank you.

Thank you, Gintama. Thank you for never ceasing to surprise and delight me. Thank you for making me fall in love with a world and a universe of infinite possibility. Thank you for blowing my expectations to dust again and again, for always reaching for the heavens and always breaking through. Thank you for proving yourself capable of achieving any goal, of surpassing any benchmark, of breaking any record. Thank you for restoring my faith in the power of storytelling and all the good it can accomplish. Thank you for making me part of something so much bigger than myself, a fandom of incredible people embodying everything you stand for. Thank you for making me cackle, for making me sob, for making me cheer, for making me scream, for making me love. Thank you for 367 episodes of the most stunning, awe-inspiring, uplifting, entertaining, beautiful, transcendent story I’ve ever seen.

Thank you for the experience of a lifetime.

I’ve said so much about Gintama over the course of writing about it, lavished so much praise on every single aspect of it, and I know it’s still not enough. Some stories are just too titanic for words to do justice to. Some legends must be seen to be believed. If you haven’t yet decided to check out Gintama and have just been reading my reviews for the fun of it, it’s time to fix that. That’s the only way you can truly understand what a singular triumph this show is. Gintama is spectacular. It’s indomitable. It tells every story under the sun and tells them all far better than I’ve ever seen them told. It crafts an entire city’s worth of the most lovable characters I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. It crafts a narrative of regret and redemption, past and future, despair and hope, friends and family, isolation and connection, hatred and release, love and comfort, letting go and moving on, and above all else, never, ever giving up on being all that you can be. It’s inspiring on a level that’s impossible to describe. Calling it a masterpiece doesn’t do it justice: it is nothing short of miraculous. And I will never lose faith in all the hope it instilled in me. I will never give up on fighting for the best that stories can be. Because this show proves that no matter how thick the night might be, the sun will always shine again, brighter than ever before.

And so, at long last, I bid farewell to the entire Odd Jobs family, to every single remarkable, indomitable character that makes this show so goddamn special. Farewell to you all.

Farewell to Ketsuno Ana, the best weatherlady in Edo.

Farewell to Elizabeth, who still makes no fucking sense.

Farewell to Otsu, the idol of my heart.

Farewell to Kintoki, who learned how to be perfectly imperfect.

Farewell to Mitsuba, a sister I’ll never forget.

Farewell to Saigo, who still deserved better.

Farewell to Gedomaru, demonic in everything but soul.

Farewell to Soyo, who never gave up on her brother’s dream.

Farewell to Prince Hata and his wonderful yodeling music.

Farewell to Mutsu, giving me hope for my favorite daughter time and time again.

Farewell to Gengai, once again building robots for his own happiness.

Farewell to Bansai, still the coolest motherfucker to ever sling around guitar strings.

Farewell to Takechi, who is most definitely not a feminist.

Farewell to Matako, who never gave up on the family that saved her.

Farewell to Catherine, still a better cat girl than Tsumugi from Guilty Crown.

Farewell to Otose, not the grandmother you wanted, but the grandmother you needed.

Farewell to Tama, the most human machine I’ve ever met.

Farewell to Matsuraida, who might one day learn to live with the numbers 2 and 3.

Farewell to Hasegawa, who could turn the worst luck in the universe into something meaningful.

Farewell to Zenzo, whose ass still Doesn’t Fucking Deserve This(tm).

Farewell to Jirocho and Pirako, family once more.

Farewell to Oboro, the first student of a wonderful lineage.

Farewell to Nobunobu, who saw the countless kings in all of us.

Farewell to Umibozu, scant in hair but not in heart.

Farewell to Kamui, a monster finally at rest.

Farewell to Sachan, the only masochist I stan.

Farewell to Otae, kicking ass and breaking stereotypes for ladies everywhere.

Farewell to Tsukuyo, the moon of Yoshiwara who found her way back down to earth.

Farewell to Sasaki, whose emails finally reached me.

Farewell to Yamazaki, so much more than an anpan lover.

Farewell to Kondo, the soul of the Shinsengumi.

Farewell to Nobume, truly a girl of faith.

Farewell to Kyubei, the best of men and women in a single, radiant package.

Farewell to Okita, the most lovable sadist this side of Light Yagami.

Farewell to Hijikata, an impenetrable barrier of thorns to the end.

Farewell to Sadaharu, forever the best of boys.

Farewell to Shoyo, may he rest in peace at last.

Farewell to Sakamoto, who never lost faith in humanity’s capacity for goodness.

Farewell to Shigeshige, a simple and lovable man with a simple and lovable dream.

Farewell to Takasugi, a broken man finally learning to pull himself back together.

Farewell to Katsura, the fluffiest Disney Princess a war buddy could ask for.

Farewell to Shinpachi, who never ceases to bring me back home.

Farewell to Kagura, who has illuminated my life more brightly than words can ever express.

And last, but certainly not least, farewell to Sakata Gintoki, who doubted himself, lost his way, and found what kind of samurai he wanted to be.

Farewell, Gintama. And thank you.

For everything.

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Fictober18 Day 8

Original fiction.

Prompt: “I know you do” 

Continuation of the story from day 6. 

“I hate him!” 

The girl crouched before Abigail in the stairwell, her sobs echoing against the concrete. Hesitantly, she reached out for the shaking shoulder, patting them gently, hoping it was a comforting gesture. Abigail had never been good at helping people cheer up, she had only perfected making others angry and sad.

“I know you do.” What else was there to say? In the long run she knew she had done the teenager sitting before her a favor, but to Karen, all that mattered was that her heart was broken.

Karen had been part of their team, back in Abigail’s previous life. She had been by Jack’s side as well, but was valued much higher. Abigail had always been jealous of the girl. She tried her hardest, brought invention after invention to make his schemes possible. Without these, he would have never achieved the status of a super villain, but he never looked at her the way he looked at Karen. 

Of course now, having seen his true colors, she was ecstatic that she and Jack had never been a couple. She was this angry just at being betrayed and abandoned as his minion, how much worse if she had been his girlfriend? Now, her memories stopped after she had died, obviously, so Abigail had no idea what had happened to Karen in the end. But her death had taught her the truth about Jack:

He only cared about himself.

Over the past 5 years since waking back up in the orphanage she had slowly undermined his schemes, making his allies doubt him, preventing him from gaining experience or support. Abigail was determined that he would never get to be acknowledged as a super villain in this lifetime.

Just like last time, he had recruited Karen. He treated her like a girlfriend without making any promises. She did his dirty work, bullying the other kids, stealing money from the office. It allowed him to continue to be the “good example” while she was the “bad influence.” But Karen had done it cheerfully, convinced that he cared about her.

At least, until Abigail arranged for her to eavesdrop and hear his real thoughts about her.

He had been talking to one of his buddies, a large boy named Grant who worked as his muscle. In their adult life he often was the one to punish people who betrayed them, or intimidate others into working for Jack. Abigail mostly avoided him. They hadn’t gotten along in her last lifetime, and weren’t likely to get along this time.

He did however, have his uses. All it took was a few hints to him that Jack valued Karen more to send the boy running to Jack to confront him. She and Karen hid in some nearby bushes, easily able to hear Jack’s response.

“Of course she isn’t more important than you, buddy! She’s just a dumb bimbo who does my dirty work for me.” He laughed, and Abigail had to admire how he was able to change his personality depending on who he needed to convince. With her he had been quiet and intelligent, with Karen cocky but suave, and with Grant apparently, he was crude and arrogant.

“She’s such an idiot, just a couple of sweet words and she’ll do whatever I tell her to.” The two boys laughed to themselves, unaware that just a few feet away the girl in question was listening in, her face red with rage.

After they left Abigail took her to the stairwell, and let her cry all she wanted. Her makeup smeared and her eyes red, she looked very different from the arrogant girl in her memories. Abigail put aside her former dislike and sat next to her, giving her a hug.

“I’m sorry he’s such a jerk.”

Karen sniffed. “He’s not worth it.” She looked over. “Why did you help me?”

Abigail smiled, knowing the expression was cold with years of resentment. “I hate him.” She hesitated. “Also, no one else should be deceived by him. I didn’t want you to get hurt more than you already are.”

The girl seemed confused. “When were you ever close with him? I’ve never seen you two even talk before!”

That’s because it happened in another lifetime. Of course, Abigail couldn’t say that. In stead, she just continued to smile. “We’ve known each other for years.”

With that, she comforted the girl and sent her back to her room, staying behind in the empty stairwell and covering her head with her hands.

Another memory broken.

Abigail stared up at the embracing couple, a painful lump in her throat that she was unable to swallow.

“The new weapon prototype is ready for testing.” Her words were hoarse. She had been up working day and night without food or sleep trying to get the project done on time. Jack had insisted that it get done, holding her hand and telling her sweetly that she was the only one who could help him. She had happily done the job assigned her, but now, looking up at the villain who didn’t even take a moment to acknowledge her or the work she had done.

“Jack?” She sounded weak. She hated it.

He waved an absentminded hand, not looking up at her. “Just leave it on the table.”

She had left the room in tears.

Abigail shook her head at the memory; he had treated her like garbage, why had she stayed there working for him? She sighed, at least this time, she knew better. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” A voice broke her concentration. It sounded pleasant and friendly, but Abigail shuddered at the dark current of anger that quietly ran through it. She turned, raising an eyebrow at the person standing before her.

Jack.

“I don’t sell what’s in my head for cheap.” She grinned. It was true, she used to give it to him for free.

He reached out a hand. “I’m Jack.”

She really didn’t want to touch him. She kept her hands in her pockets. “Abigail.”

He didn’t move his hand. “Don’t leave me hanging!”

Ugh. She reached out hesitantly, wincing when his own hand moved forward and grasped her own. She tried to pull it back, startled when he held it in a vice like grip.

“Now, what have I ever done to piss you off, Abigail?” He was still smiling, but his eyes were filled with rage. She shuddered, unable to free her hand.

“Why would you ask me that? I don’t even know you?” She kept an innocent, “wrongly accused” expression on her face.

He put his face closer to hers, ignoring her attempts to pull away “That’s what I thought. Until I put the pieces together. Everytime something goes wrong. Every single time my plans fall apart.” He was too close.

“It always points back to you.”

His hand tightened on my wrist, to a point that it was painful. “Now I’ll ask you again: What did I ever do to piss you off?”

 Abigail smiled calmly, leaning closer, enjoying the look of surprise that crossed his face. She motioned him to lean in, and when he did she put her mouth near his ear and whispered.

“You piss me off, because you’re incompetent.”

She had spent a lifetime under his thumb, once. Not again.

She stomped on his instep, turning in his grasp and elbowing him in the gut. As the breath was knocked out of him, she pulled her arm free. She sat on the stairs with a carefree expression, her chin resting on her palm and her legs crossed. From this position it almost seemed like Jack was bowing to her.

He looked up, no longer concealing his anger. “You b-“ He lunged forward, choking on the last word as she kicked him in the chest, sending him down a few steps.

“Don’t be an idiot.” She laughed, forcing her voice to sound confident. “You have ambitions. So do I. Why don’t we come to a mutually beneficial agreement?”

He stared at her silently from his position on the floor. “How could you possibly benefit me?”

“Wrong question, as always.” She leaned forward, overjoyed to see the flicker of fear in his eyes. “The real question should be: Can you afford to have me continue to work against you?”

“…” He was considering it. She knew him well enough to understand the expression on his face.

“What do you want?”

She leaned forward. “Equal partners. I get half.”

 “I don’t do partners.”  He struggled to get up. 

“That’s a personal problem. Not my concern.” Abigail shrugged. “That’s my offer. Take it or leave it.”

He glared. “Fine.” He started to stomp off, but then turned around. “How will…”

“I’ll find you when it’s time for us to talk again. Don’t bother me until then.”

He left, silent and angry.

Abigail let out a long relieved sigh. She had never in either lifetime spoken to Jack like that.

It felt good.

Now that she was on his team, it would be that much easier to tear him apart.

Only another year, and then they would be out in the real world. Jack would be preparing for his debut as a super villain. To celebrate, she was going to prepare the best surprise possible. There was just one problem:

It meant she had to find the superhero.

She had to find the man who killed her.

[scifimagpie]

Want to Write Better Books? Stop Watching Television

When it comes to storytelling, most of us grow up immersed in visual language. Television and movies and Youtube series can be extremely potent, and tell inspiring stories - but when it comes to translating that storytelling method to the page, they can be a writer's worst enemy.

I can always tell when people have been watching more TV than reading books because there's a similar pattern of errors. Drawing from my own screw-ups and experiences and combining them with things I've learned from reading hundreds of books, I've compiled a useful list intended for newer writers with an eye on publishing.

At the risk of bowing to clickbait with my title, I'd like to make a case for aspiring writers to scale back their television-watching time and spend that on short and long-form fiction. Even fanfiction inspired by TV can help exercise that writing muscle more than watching stories alone, and I've made the reasons why into an easy-to-read list.

1) TV writing is often bad and illogical 

There's no good way to put this - the behaviour of characters on Lifetime made-for-TV movies, criminal dramas, and night-time dramas or medical shows is often exaggerated and vastly distant from reality. The best TV shows and movies do have good writing - but let's be honest; we don't always watch the best of the best. That's not a bad thing, but when it comes to writing, 'you are what you eat' is very much an applicable idiom.

It's hard to write emotionally authentic decisions and ethical debates when paranormal teenagers are fighting in the most dramatic ways possible. Because of the narrative constraints of episodic storytelling, which is the norm for continuing TV shows, antagonists are often thinly written and illogical, and characters who conflict with the main cast tend to be cruel, rude, or selfish in ways that an actual human person would not dare to be when confronted or opposed. Villains and antagonists are an important part of every story, and they're usually the biggest letdown, because their actions are often dictated by whatever inflicts the most suffering on main characters. Shows have to compress as much interest in the problem-of-the-week as possible, while still adhering to the (usually more complex) long-term plot.

The thing is, these are really bad habits for writers to pick up. It's taken me a lot of work to unlearn the villain-of-convenience habit. Antagonists and villains need to have strong motivations - even stronger than the protagonist(s)', at times. Otherwise, their actions make no sense on a fundamental level, and the narrative thread of the story will completely unravel. This is not to say that antagonists and villains have to be "evil" per se - in fact, evil is usually a matter of perspective. However, stories are driven by what people want and the people who want things. If they don't have a thing they want that remains somewhat consistent, or has a reason for changing, the story will sputter and its engine will stop turning over.

2) Visual storytelling and literary storytelling are different mediums

This sounds obvious, but hear me out. In working on a recent project, a character went up the stairs after a party, took off her jewelry, texted her friend - and suddenly, her abusive alcoholic father appeared in her room and started threatening her. The scene was clearly patterned after the classic "jump scare" style.

The problem is that jump scares don't work in written fiction. In order to mimic the effect created by a jump scare, we have to break down the scene and the rising tension created by it. A camera panning around and showing the scene, the slow shot of a character walking up the stairs, and the subtle tension created by having a character do ordinary things without realising that they are in danger may not be conveyed by simply saying that character walks up the stairs, takes off their jewelry, and prepares to use the bathroom. Those words don't express the information conveyed by the same camera shots and edits, or by the creeping shriek of violins or synth music in a score. Words can express that tension - but not if writers take what they see on TV (or computer) screens at face value.

Mimicry is not enough. We have to understand why things happen and why we are shown or given certain pieces of information, and why things are portrayed in certain ways. We must learn to see the framing devices used in fiction of all kinds, not accept them as the way the world works.

3) Hide things from the reader

As the audience, we may not realise that storytelling techniques are being used to convey a story, because we're busy reacting to it. That's okay! It's good to watch or read something and just experience the emotions intended, and enjoy the ride of the story. However, if a book has a deep impact on you, and you admire it, it's worth reading the book at least one more time to try and see the places where it was most effective.

For example, in a tense scene, a character might scan a room, looking for a weapon, and the author or narrator may describe the contents of said room.

In a dingy hotel, a bed covered in rumpled sheets, the bolted-down lamps and furniture and a clunky television may not offer much. As the character looks around, they might notice there are some glasses on the bureau or in the bathroom, and pick those up, hoping to throw them at the assailant pounding on their door.

In this vignette, the words 'pounding', 'dingy', and 'rumpled' offer the most descriptive power. However, we don't know what the antagonist on the other side of the door looks like, what kind of weapons they have, if any, or even what their name is. While there might be a little more context in a book, the very limited scope of this one scene shows that using immediacy and restricting the view and information available to the reader can create more tension.

I often see this problem in longer-form works as well - and I've certainly made the mistake myself: the error of trying to cram in too much exposition in the first few chapters. It's hard not to worry that an audience will get lost or miss something, but audiences just don't need as much information to enjoy a story as authors do to write it.

4) All books are not created equal

Some books are designed to convey a story as efficiently as possible, often to meet the reader's emotional needs - this is the case for most commercial fiction. Some books are intended to please the reader's intellect or evoke more complex emotions, and often take their time in the storytelling or break rules - this is often the case for literary fiction. Upmarket fiction combines both of these needs. That's not to say that commercial fiction can't have moments of beauty, or that literary fiction can't be fun to read, but it's important to know that these two broad types of fiction have different goals - and that both have their advantages and disadvantages.

It's important to know which markets your book is destined for, and to be honest about it with yourself. Do you write weird fiction that kind of straddles genres and has little philosophical narrative kicks? Do you secretly just want to write fun books about sex and guns? Do you like writing about kissing and emotional drama, but crave a good plot to complicate things? There are readers who want books like each of these, and looking for similar books to yours can help you figure out who will want to read it.

It's vitally important not to confuse the people you want to impress with the people who will probably read your book. I've made this mistake. It's hard not to want to change the world with a book, but you're more likely to achieve that goal if you get the book into the hands of people who will like it in the first place - enthusiastic readers will share what they like, and word of mouth is still the oldest and strongest form of marketing.

5) If you're working in a medium, engage with it 

Having a good vocabulary is essential. This seems like a daunting task - how do we learn more words? Where do we even get the words? How do we know which words are better to use? However, it's not as bad as it sounds. Reading non-fiction news articles in one's Facebook feed can help; honestly, just snatching everything with written words in it and picking it up to read it, even warning signs in bathroom stalls or advertisements at bus stops, can make a difference.

Of course, books and short stories are an ideal place to start. Short stories and short story collections can be a great way to work more fiction into your diet. Ideally, it's best to read a wide variety of books. Having favorite authors is fine, and having favorite genres is fine, but both a) reading widely within your genre and b) reading widely in general will help you try new things and expose you to different ideas and inspirations. Have you ever read a western? An old Harlequin bodice-ripper? A modern romance novel? Women's fiction? A techno-thriller? African-American literary fiction? A gay coming-of-age tale? Grab something off the shelf with your eyes closed and start reading - you don't even have to start from the beginning, if you really don't want to, but try to give the strange new book a chance.

The more you read, the more comfortable your brain will become with the storytelling methods, conventions, and styles that authors use. It's not about copying people or being 'unoriginal', although those are okay for practice techniques - it's about fluency. Writing well is very difficult if you don't read!

6) Emotions are important

Just putting in a description of a character's actions doesn't convey their mood, emotions, or what's going on inside their heads. It can - but it's essential to think about why a character is doing something, and which life experiences have contributed to the decision they're undertaking in that moment. People never just do things - and stopping to consider why a character grabs a wire hanger to fight back, whether they'd cower or flee, and whether they'd be able to speak their thoughts honestly are all vital to communication.

In daily life, we may hesitate to speak or act frankly, and that's not always a bad thing. There's something to be said for honesty, but there's also something to be said for respecting the feelings and desires or needs of others. For example, if Manpreet and Cynthia are friends, and Cynthia is wearing a new sweater she just finished knitting, Manpreet may want to tell her the sweater is ugly. But then Manpreet's desire for validation of her opinion will conflict with Cynthia's need for validation of her efforts. There's nothing wrong with these conflicts, nor with learning when to hold one's tongue or put something carefully, and expressing that characters are going through those steps is a great way to show conflict and emotion in a work of fiction.

7) Traditional literature may not be for you 

Frankly, I think more authors should try different storytelling formats just to see if they find one that's a better fit. Books tend to be the default for creative storytelling, but honestly, they're just not for everyone because they don't always skew to people's internal storytelling style. Sometimes books just don't play to people's strengths. People who are dialogue-oriented may find that plays do the trick. People who like visuals that are continuous may want to try out writing screenplays of various kinds. Still others may want to try writing graphic novels, and either hiring illustrators or illustrating work themselves. The trick is to figure out how you think - in pictures? In moments? In words? - and find the medium that expresses your feelings and thoughts most adequately.

Telling a story is an act of communication, and to communicate well requires a lot of effort, practice, and study. New authors should consider this before rushing to publish their first work, because the enthusiasm and fire of the story experience inside an author's head may be different from the experience of the reader from going through content on the page.

Ultimately, writing is hard. There's a reason that career authors, amateurs, and aspiring writers often despair over it. And honestly, that's okay. There's a joy to the process of learning techniques, to finding the right word. Anything worth doing is worth doing well, because it's easier to get appreciation from others if your work is careful and shows skill.

8) Writing a good book means creating a book to be read

This is always the hardest part of storytelling. Do we, as writers, craft stories we want to read and tell, or for our audience? Sometimes a weird cross-genre story works, and sometimes a story pulls from so many different genres and influences and goes in so many directions that it's hard to see who will pick up on it. Many of us may dream of adulation or praise from masses of readers, but putting faces on those masses is the important part. It's okay to want that - but wanting it alone is not enough to grant it, and merely creating something is not enough to deserve fame and praise.

It's not about 'that mediocre book that's doing so well! I could write better!' - it's about writing better than yourself. It's hard, during the honeymoon phase of completing a project, not to feel like it's the apex of creative works in one's native language. If I sound sarcastic, it's because I know this euphoric high, and I know the unfortunate consequences of trusting it too blithely. Simply put, the problem is not even bad reviews - it's crickets. Unless a book is waterproofed beyond the 'good enough' state, it may not be worth reading.

All creative works are risks, and to attain the prizes of money and positive attention, it's worth making sure a book makes sense from an external perspective, and is a satisfying read. Of course, not every friend or person you know will be an ideal member of your reading audience, so finding anonymous or professional beta readers can be very helpful - even if just for the sake of seeing how a book comes across to someone who knows very little about it. You may find that your book is very appealing for a reason you totally did not anticipate.

Above all, writing the book isn't about you. It's about the audience, the characters, or the story itself.

9) Publishing is scary and hard 

It's okay to be overwhelmed from time to time. It's not even that I'm trying to discourage people from putting their books out for mass consumption - it's that I want to help people make sure the books they put out are as good as possible. There's no such thing as a bad book, just an imperfect book; 99.99% of books that have issues can be saved with a good editor or editors, multiple sets of eyes, and a willingness to tweak and revise.

Drafting books is a process. It took me years to get over the idea that one draft was enough, and that I'd get every idea and nuance down in one go-through. That isn't the case, and it rarely is for many authors! Eventually, realising that I just had to get down a skeleton, and that I could modify and elaborate on things when I had the patience for them, was tremendously freeing. Not only have I stopped hating revisions, I look forward to them. When you know in your bones that the scene and the story feels right, few experiences compare to that.

Publishing, however, is a lot of work - getting used to learning about advertising, knowing where to find information about advertising, buying a cover, researching genres, writing a good blurb, finding people to hire for these various services - it can really add up to an ordeal. Still, doing all that work is a little easier and a lot more rewarding if you feel a rock-hard certainty about the quality of the book in the first place - and it can even make the other stuff easier, because you know what to draw from and what to look at.

10) If all else fails, Google is your friend

Just going for a Google safari or searching around on Amazon isn't something most of us do anymore - our 'wasted time' on the internet usually involves going to a website we already know or frequent regularly, clicking through content, and scrolling through various newsfeeds. However, these habitual paths may not yield as much information when preparing to publish. Simply going to Amazon or Google as if you were looking for a new book and entering various keywords in the search bar - things associated with your book or genre, like 'science', 'scientist', 'adventure', 'comet', 'asteroid', 'crash', 'aliens', or other pertinent terms - can be surprisingly fruitful.

You can also look up books (or shows) you admire and see what people read after reading or watching them. The more books you have to compare to, the more readers will understand your book's place in the market or library. Referencing shows and movies in a blurb is not ideal.

At he end of the day, I'm glad so many people take the leap into trying to write, and finishing projects, but actually trying to sell a book to readers isn't the same thing as merely writing for the satisfaction of it. And writing privately for satisfaction is fine! It's just that when a book hits either an editor's desk or the market, it should be as ready for readers' eyes as possible, and thoroughly vetted - even if it's been self-published.

***  Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partner-in-crime and their cat. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and nightmares, as well as social justice issues. She is currently working on the next books in her series, other people's manuscripts, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible. Catch up with Michelle's news on the mailing list. Her books are available on Amazon, and she is also active on Medium, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and the original blog. 

[jinchongjin]

My Dearest Jonghyun,

I spent half an hour in disbelief. I read article after article and none of those words seemed to hold any weight to them. It was as if I was reading a work of fiction. For you to so suddenly be gone wasn't something that could have been real. But surely enough, as the details continued to pour in, I went from doubtful confusion to collapsing and sobbing on the bathroom floor.

I've spent the day crying, thinking, and crying again. I can't find the words to express how I feel, nor can I comprehend the multitude of emotions that have washed over me to accurately express my thoughts. My heart is heavy from sorrow. My limbs tingle from the shock. My chest is in physical pain, my breathing is staggered, and my cheeks have stains from my tears. I wish so desperately, with every fiber of my being, to be able to bring you back.

I want to tell you that I am truly, deeply sorry. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you were never enough by always wanting to see more of you. I'm sorry that I couldn't comfort you when you needed it most. I'm sorry that you struggled so much. I'm sorry that you felt so alone and helpless. I'm sorry that someone who spent his career bringing joy and love and comfort to others couldn't have any of it be returned.

I, too, have spent the past several years feeling like I can't escape the demons that follow me. I have spent night after night plagued by dark thoughts that I am too afraid to tell anyone. I know firsthand how it is to feel so utterly hopeless that the thought of death is not one of fear or sadness, but instead of peace and comfort. It tears me apart to know that you have suffered for so long; to picture you fighting with all your might to gain control and overcome this breaks my heart to pieces.

And as much as it pains me to have to let you go, I promise you that I will do so with a full heart and a smile on my face. I am only human, so I will have my weak moments, but I refuse to let you be remembered as the man who lost his battle. Instead, I will promise to celebrate you for who you truly are. You and your SHINee brothers were the sole source of my happiness in the years I was being abused, and through the recovery period afterwards. You have inspired millions across the globe. You only grew in your talents the further you progressed in your career; you refused to stop exploring and inventing, and that is something I only hope to achieve as I move along in my lifetime. Your soul was genuine and pure. Your talents were unmatched. Your dedication, passion, and love only make me want to better myself. I refuse to let you be remembered any other way. I want to remember you for the person I know you are, not the person your demons wanted you to believe you were. I can't even love myself, but I have spent years loving you unconditionally. Your passing will never be in vein. You are always going to be my everything. I want nothing more than for your soul to find peace. Peace in knowing that you were more than we ever could have asked for. Peace in knowing that you no longer need to hurt. Peace in knowing that I will never let you or your memory fade or become tainted.

I love you so much. I love you. I can't say it enough. I love you. I feel so humbled and blessed to have spent these several years with you on this journey. I promise to always love you. I promise to always be thankful. I promise to do my best to take care of your members until you can see them again. I promise to continue on my own journey and fight, not only for me, but now for you. I give you a piece of my heart to comfort you on your journey, and I will keep part of yours alive with me always.

My dearest Jonghyun, please rest in peace among the stars. After all, you're the brightest one amongst them all.

[sillyanimegamingroad]

How much information can our brain store?

In 2016, Professor José A. Esteban gave the conference “ What are memories made of? And where are they kept? ”At the Achucarro Forum of the Basque Center for Neuroscience. In it, the CSIC biologist and researcher spoke about synaptic plasticity and the development of therapeutic applications for diseases such as Alzheimer’s. It has always been a curiosity that how much information can our brain store?

Thinking about the content of the talk, the first thing that came to mind were a couple of recent articles. On the one hand, the tweet from Vala Afshar, Chief Digital Evangelist at Salesforce.com, commenting on the Constellation Research study on the importance of Big Data, Analytics and Data Mining (again) at this moment in history in which 90% of the data in the world was created in the last year.

On the other hand, the creation by scientists from the University of Southampton in the United Kingdom of a new data format that, by storing information in crystal nanostructures, has achieved an expected life time of 13.8 billion years of expected survival for said support. You don’t know where to store 360 ​​terabytes of data and you may have to put it at 190º of temperature? No problem! We have the perfect hard drive for you thanks to a scientifically proven 5D storage technique. So I got to thinking, how much information can we remember? Will it be more or less than what can be generated in a lifetime? And what about the one that has been generated throughout history?

The information peta

Information peta of our brain

To estimate how much information could be generated, nothing better to do this than to look for the leaders in information processing. In 2011 Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google, the company that wants to order the world’s information to make it accessible, said that humanity generated 5 exabytes of unique information every two days on the Internet .

What is that? Bernardo Hernández pointed out in these parts that it is as much information as from the beginning of history until 2003, all together, at the same time, without anesthesia. As there were people who did not quite square the figure, Science magazine decided to recalculate, concluding that we have generated about 600 exabytes up to 2011. And how much is an exabyte? Much.

1000 kilobytes = 1 Megabyte 1000 Megabytes = 1 Gigabyte 1000 Gigabytes = 1 Terabyte 1000 Terabytes = 1 Petabyte 1000 Petabytes = 1 Exabyte 1000 Exabytes = 1 Zettabyte 1000 Zettabytes = 1 Yottabyte 1000 Yottabytes = 1 Bronobyte 1000 Bronobyte = 1 Geopbyte

So of course, a skill that is becoming essential to survive in this modern environment is a hypertrophied memory, whatever they say. Therefore I needed to have an idea of ​​our maximum capacity to memorize in order to determine if everything we generate fits or not.

Robert Birge , a professor and researcher at the University of Connecticut who analyzed the storage capacity of proteins, estimated it to be between 1 and 10 Terabytes in 1996, assuming that a neuron was a bit. Closer in time, in 2008, he considered in a radio interview that it could actually be something closer to 30 or 40 Terabytes , given that the brain does not store information in the same way as a computer. In any case, it seems insufficient to reach our goal, so a solution must be found. On the one hand, it is hopeful to remember that the brain forgets things, leaving room for new memories. We all have things we want to forget (those over 40 years younger because there are no compromising photos of us on the Internet of when we were young, for no other reason). But it is also true that we could forget what we should not.

No, in these topics we better bet on the Diogenes syndrome of memories, we are not going to forget any important anniversary for our partner, such as his birthday or Valentine’s Day. So we tried to keep asking to find out that depending on who we talk to we can reach the magic Petabyte number. The calculation in this case comes from estimating 100,000 million neurons with 1,000 synaptic connections each, taking each connection instead of each neuron for 1 bit.

The confirmation comes to us by a team of researchers from the Salk Institute led by Terry Sejnowski estimated in a paper published in eLife at the beginning of 2016 that it could be considered to go from tera to peta without problems since the synapses were not all the same, and that the different types could allow estimating up to 4.7 bits of information for each one .

What’s more, in some cases there is even talk of a maximum of 2.5 Petabytes . Paul Reber gives us an idea of ​​the impact of this difference in capacity in an article in Scientific American .

In it, this professor of psychology at Northwestern University explained that this amount would allow 300 million hours of television to be stored . Of course, what he did not say is that it was not in HD, so I do not think that with that quality we can survive our challenge: 1 petabyte in HD quality is barely 13.3 years of video , very little if we are looking for true love and for all life.

An image and thousands of words

Digital Brain

I admit, this first approach is discouraging. It was urgent to find solutions. So my next step was to try to determine the maximum potential of our memory . If it was greater than the information generated we would still have a chance. We have already left behind the mistaken idea that we only use 10% of our brain, but it is still clear that we cannot use everything at once and that we have it quite underused. How do you get to use it in such a way that it is possible to memorize everything you can memorize? The next one seemed obvious: we had to find the great memorizers of history , see what they were capable of and compare it with the limits.

Unfortunately, it seems that many of the best known cases of “infinite” memories were the result of trauma or unwanted situations and, what is worse, not easy to repeat without putting our integrity at risk to achieve it. An example of the risk we talked about was the old case of Cenn Fáelad mac Aillila , an Irish scholar who died in 679. Although what is called a scholar was actually scholar, it was not very scholarly. Come on, his thing was weapons and fighting. Precisely in one of them he got a good wound on his head, which resulted in a wound that caused him pain all his life on the one hand, and an elephant memory on the other. What’s more, it is said that he did not manage to forget anything else during the rest of his existence. To understand the harsh implication of acquiring this superpower we must know that Cenn, after obtaining his new condition, completely changed his life to devote himself to poetry and learning Latin, instead of enjoying with friends from the “third time” after the battles .

Recent literature has also treated the subject with interest. Forges wrote about ” Funes the memorable ” telling in his collection of “Fictions”, back in 1944, the story of a man who suffers from hypermnesia after a common accident: a fall, in this case from a horse.

Curiously, his new gift is also associated with another headache, this time that of not being able to sleep (a big mistake, as we will see later). The absence of sleep and the premise that this process is a “memory eraser” means that the protagonist has, during his short life, a memory full of details but a total inability to think and make use of them. I was on the right track … well, you understand.

Closer in time was the case of Kim Peek , who inspired the character of Raymond Babbit in the movie “Rain Man.” Kim did not have any accidents during his life as his ability apparently originated before his birth. After Kim was born, the doctors told his parents that the child was not normal and that he would have mental retardation all his life, so they even recommended admitting him.

They refused to discover as he got older certain abilities that contrasted with the evident delay that he actually showed, as they had been diagnosed. Little Kim had been reading since he was 18 months old. Well, the reality is that he memorized the books his father read to him and he didn’t need to read them ever again to remember them. At the age of three he went to the dictionary, which he also memorized, to finish with what is estimated to have been around 9,000 books in his life.

As in the case described by Borges, his great memory and other abilities did not help him in his day-to-day life (coordination problems) or in analyzing or drawing conclusions. Apparently the reason for his ability would be related to the absence of a corpus callosum in his brain, causing his neurons to form a compact mass of connections that amplified his capacity, combined all this with an evident case of macrocephaly.

Kim’s father met Barry Morrow, the scriptwriter for the film “Rain Man,” at a conference in the State of Texas in 1984. The film introduced the “Sage Syndrome” or Savant into our lives, studied by Darold. Treffert. A “Savant”, or virtuoso of the arts in French, is a person who despite some physical, mental or other disability, possesses other skills that are normally developed at a much higher level.

It is associated with autism although it is estimated that less than 10% of autistics have abilities of this type . It is also estimated that half of the Savants are autistic, which does not help us much in our search (safe and without risk to our integrity) for an infinite memory. In a century of study, a maximum of one hundred people with this capacity are calculated. Treffet himself considers that less than 50 exist right now in the whole world with it. Other researchers, such as Snyder or Mottron and Dawson, tried to find the ability to induce skills, but without much success. Looking for alternatives, I went to ” The Big Bang Theory” , which allowed me to remember that there is what is known as Hypertrophic Eidetic Memory or Photographic Memory. Yes, those people who remember everything, like Sheldon Cooper or Will Hunting. If they only remember things related to their own existence, we speak of a Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory (HSAM), of which it is estimated that 20 such people have been studied around the world (all in the USA). They are the “Google Humans” who suffer from hyperthymesia or excess memories. Unfortunately it is a quality that, coming as standard, can be lost if it is not diagnosed and worked on.

It appears suddenly and from that moment those who suffer from it begin to remember a large number of details of their day to day. In this case, Jill Price , who published a book about her case in 2008, can remember all the days of her life since she turned 14. Remember that at the age of 8, in 1974, you were beginning to be aware that something was not normal in your memory.

Unfortunately these people do not always have the ability to memorize anything, usually their memories are focused on aspects of their own life. They also do not use techniques or mnemonic rules that can be learned or replicated by others, or managed or improved. There are several recorded cases besides Jill Price (the long time patient AJ), all of them very similar.

For example Brad Williams, Rick Baron or Marilu Henner, star of a TV series in the US, which is the place of origin in most cases. The study of these patients by a team from the University of California at Irvine, led by Dr. Parker, has helped to better understand where and how data is stored in the brain.

It has not helped so much to the bearers of this gift, since as Jill herself has the negative part of spending much of her life in the past, of not being able to identify what each key is for , of suffering problems with recognition facial of people and also showing obsessive-compulsive tendencies.

Become a Foer

At this point on the road it seems that the alternatives to have a memory “in keeping with the times” were having an accident waiting for luck to smile on us, inducing a genetic or birth anomaly and little else. Is there no other way to get an elephant memory? A journalist in the United States dedicated a year of his life to finding the solution to this problem. Our great man is Joshua Foer , who decided to leave everything to better know the people who were professionally dedicated to developing their memory, even training himself for the memory championships in the USA.

Without any prior knowledge of the subject, or special ability, or natural genetics, he won the championship in 2006. He ended up writing his experience in a book, ” The challenges of memory ” can be found in Spanish, “Moonwalking with Einstein : the art and science of remembering everything ”in English. Joshua also gives TED talks explaining how “normal people” can expand their retention capacity.

One of his first discoveries was the millenary mnemonic techniques , such as the palaces of memory. Aristotle spoke already in his time of places where we were able to store content to be remembered. The thing did not remain in the past: the ars memorativa was discussed and studied in classical sources or medieval studies. Saint Augustine wrote profusely about memory in his “Confessions”, in fact the term appears about 100 times, and also refers to a place where we can access and where memories are kept.

Frances Yates in her book “The Art of Memory” (1969) confirmed how the ancient Greeks and Romans used a technique based on prior memorization of the arrangement of everything in a room or building. Joshua Foer includes in his the story of the Greek Simonides of Ceos, who was enjoying a banquet with friends in the 5th century BC when everything collapsed around him, most of those present perishing. A survivor of the catastrophe, he suddenly became a history of memory when, abstracting from what happened and taking as a reference the columns, tables and general arrangement of the room, he managed to lead the relatives of the deceased by the hand to tell them where they were at the moment that everything changed in their lives. Joshua and the legend say that at that moment, with this practical demonstration of the Simónides technique, the study of memory began its official journey.

This is how the idea of ​​using a physical “place” as a reference is the basis of this mnemonic technique known as the Loci Method (plural of the Latin term “locus” or location, location). We first memorize a “container”, a reference, for example using a building or a house, ultimately a place we know; we can even create one from scratch. Once it is developed, we design routes through it, to also have an order, a sequence that we will follow to move through it and that will act as a common thread, turning a complex task into a pleasant walk.

Information stored in Brain

In this way we solve two important problems: remembering things that the brain has trouble remembering naturally, and remembering them in context even when they do not have them per se. The idea, later copied by communications engineers, of using a “carrier” of the message, which facilitates its transport and storage, is as old as our culture. Greeks and Romans in their ancient rhetorical treatises, such as the ” Rhetorica ad Herennium “, the oldest surviving book of rhetoric in Latin to this day (originating from the year 90 BC), already spoke of the places to store things in our memory.

Problem solved … for now

At this point part of the problem seemed solved. We could not confirm if the brain could remember all the information that is generated, but we did know that there were people who remembered everything , and that following Foer’s instructions, anyone could learn to memorize a large amount of important information, such as the dates essential to survive in a modern couple relationship. And after all, if Foer, a journalist, had been able to do it, anyone should be able to be.

The post How much information can our brain store? appeared first on Technoeager- tech blogs and articles.

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[rinadewolffe]

My impression of Life is Strange: Before the Storm

So I got through it last night. I actually had to think things through because I really feel heartbroken. And from now on, here come the massive spoilers for the game.

So, Life is Strange... We know that. There is no other person, living, dead or fictional I could relate to more than Chloe Price. Ever since the first season of Life is Strange I wanted to know her story as well. And honestly, thank you Deck9 to take me on that journey. Even in Before the Storm I have three save files: one for my best friend, one in which I make the decisions like I was sixteen and one in which I decide like I would decide at my current age. But I consider my official playthrough is the one on which I make choices like I was sixteen and here’s the reason why: I was nothing more than Chloe. We clearly have some differences, but I also know how it feels to be alone, in pain, boycotted, being a freak etc.

No, my father is not dead. He was just wasn’t around when I needed him most. Not because he died or because he didn’t love me, simply, he worked far away from home most of the time. And only recently he decided he’s fed up with that and he will start working in the region. It will not really affect my life or how I grow up as I’m way over 14, I’m over my teenagehood, in fact, officially I’m even closer to 30 than to 20. And when my father wasn’t around I was left alone with my mother who... whom I actully love, but she is toxic.

Getting back to the topic, I didn’t lose my father but I lost a father figure at the age of 12. That was when my world turned upside down. And I felt just like Chloe: alone with grief. She couldn’t understand why that happened to her and neither did I. We both tried to brush the pain away. And here is just another difference: I didn’t get addicted to weed. I simply tried to drink the pain away and I rebelled like never before, up until I turned around 23.

When Chloe met Rachel they immediately felt that it was something different. Whether or not it was something more than a friendship, it was strange and strong. And believe me, meeting this kind of a person is only once in a lifetime. Their bonding started immediately.

But was Rachel really manipulative? Was she so bad for Chloe? Remember how Eliot tried to make her see it that way? It was just the Max vs Max scene in the first season, when “Bad Max” tried to convince Max about that Chloe is bad for her. Could that be Chloe was simply blind and she was just happy she actually found someone she could trust? Is it really that bad?

But let’s forget about the moral questions right now, let’s actually get to the episode.

So how was it? We were thrown right into the middle: we learned Sera’s story. It was actually told. The mystery is over. Dislike. However I loved the depiction, how the two girl watched the story through the viewfinder. Because that was where their bonding really started, right? At the viewfinder.

The next scene in Rachel’s room was just... Heartbreaking and heartwarming at the very same time. This was the time when their relationship deepened. Chloe just made it clear that she would do anything for Rachel. She knew she just found that special person. Rachel was the only one there for Chloe in that confusion and vice versa, no wonder their relationship developed quickly.

I think it’s needless to say that every scene which involves David purely disgust me. The only reason is that he is also broken but he plays his cards very, very wrong. Like Chloe was a threat to her. He stated that he knows she didn’t like him, but seemingly it works vice versa as well. The only person here who tries to keep things together is Joyce but her opinion about disciplining clearly differs from David’s. He tries, but his methods are so wrong and there’s no way he can’t see it. The thing he tried to connect to Chloe through the death of his friend is just simply... weird, to say the least and it was not enough. It would never change the fact that he doesn’t respect Chloe and this was the first time he actually almost hit her. The girl was disrespectful, I admit that, but let’s be honest, David was a dick to her before and it wouldn’t change just in one day. 

Moving on to the junkyard where Chloe could actually fix the truck and she meets Rachel, Merrick and Frank. The fact that Rachel finds the whole fixing the car and having a blue strand of hair hot is just... I don’t know, it totally hints that Chloe’s not the only one who’s crushing... Anyway, of course it wouldn’t last. The way Merrick tried to prove he’s the alpha is just... I wanted to say it’s disgusting but thinking about it, it’s just typical. And the fight scene was something I was not prepared for, however by the trailer I had the feeling that Rachel would get hurt. If you try to mock Chloe about that she did actually nothing, try to think about it: she actually admitted that she froze. She technically blamed herself. She didn’t really think about that she actually got Rachel to the hospital just in time. I think most of us would just freeze in a situation like this. The hospital scene was just the peak for me, to be honest. The promise Chloe made to Rachel was the sign of that she would do anything for her. And around this point I started to lose my shit, especially after the scene with Eliot.

Like, what was he thinking? He was stalky enough in the hospital, wasn’t he? But when he went full rage on Chloe he almost scared me. He used to be the Warren of Before the Storm. By that time it became clear that yeah, he’s Warren but dumber, more stalky and much more unstable. Actually scary. I partly get where it comes from: he feels like Chloe is ungrateful. He even emphasized that he was there for her all along. That’s right. Okay. They dated for a while and it surely made a bigger impact on the guy. But releasing all this anger on the girl was just not right. Not like this. The only thing he achieved was Chloe couldn’t care any less about him. 

And this was where I lost it, finally. When Chloe got to the mill. Right before that when she spoke to her dad one last time, admitting finally that was not real was really touching, but she had only one goal: to save Sera so Rachel could actually meet her. That whole scene, including, and actually highlighting Sera’s and Chloe’s conversation was so off, so unreal for me I basically lost faith in the game. (And I had no idea the worst was yet to come...) My 16 year old mind wouldn’t have understood the whole situation either. Rachel would’ve deserved to meet her (I know there is an option, if you choose the bracelet in episode 2), but still... Maybe Sera was right, maybe she wasn’t. Chloe did everything she could. The last decision was just like... terrible. There’s no good ending again, right? Lying or telling the truth, in both cases Rachel would be hurt one way or another.

And finally... the ending scene which left me... I don’t actually know if I feel dissatisfied or dissapointed. Definitely not backstabbed. But wrapping up 3 years like this is just... so off for me and I guess I’m not the only one. They were happy. Chloe believed for the first time after a very long time that she can be happy and she definitely deserved that after all the things she had to go through. The dark room scene, the actual ending scene is just messed up. I really hoped that I could see more of these two. I don’t want to rant about this, really. And I won’t say that the game sucks. I actually still love the game, I love the characters, I love how mental and emotional problems are depicted. My problem is (as it was with the first season as well) the ending. Nothing else. But let’s just try to sum things up, it’s hella time, LOL.

Rachel and Chloe met when they were most in need for someone. They helped each other out. They both had issues, that’s right, but it doesn’t mean that they are bad for each other. They needed understanding and they could provide it for each other. If you think that there was no Amberprice in the last episode, think again: a relationship is not about making out all the time. There were  hugs and kisses and cuddling up and it’s not necessarily a friendship thing. Think it over. If you still think they are toxic and trash, try to think it over. Most probably you never had issues like them. You should be a little bit more open minded. People with mental and emotional issues are stigmatized everyday. IT HAS TO STOP! Not understanding something can easily lead to bullying and bullying is more than just a little harmful. It can lead to suicide. And if you think that these kind of people are better off dead, the problem is with you. It’s time to think about it...

Anyway, I loved the game overall, generally it was well made, and met almost all my expectations, but the ending... I can’t help it, it’s just FUCKED UP. I’m sorry. I can’t get over it. Deck9 basically went Dontnod about the ending. I hope they are not intending to cut the ties with this. We need more Chloe and Rachel. If not by them, please, anyone. Three years is like a vast time. 

Well guys, that’s it for now, I guess it’s more than enough XD Further questions, comments and anything are more than welcome.

Stay hella, guys!

[texansforcures]

BUILDING A HUMAN HEART IN 2020: A MESSAGE FROM DR. DORIS TAYLOR

As many of you know, Texans for Cures supports the groundbreaking work taking place at the Texas Heart Institute lead by Dr. James T. Willerson, President Emeritus and Dr. Doris Taylor, Director of Regenerative Medicine.

Dr. Taylor is on the verge of creating a prototype of a living, beating human heart that could one day be ready to be placed in the chest of someone on the cusp of death.

Texans for Cures is committing our fundraising efforts beginning now through December 2020 to Dr. Taylor’s world renowned lab.

As we approach the holidays and the season of giving, we are asking you to assist Dr. Taylor with her groundbreaking research.

I have included below an excerpt from Dr. Taylors paper that tells of a truly fantastic story. One that if you didn’t know any better you’d guess it came straight from a science fiction novel. But it didn’t. As Peter Diamandis, the author of Abundance: The Future Is Better Than You Think, said “The day before something is truly a breakthrough, it’s a crazy idea.” Your generosity towards this groundbreaking advancement will ultimately change the way heart disease is treated forever.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions… David L. Bales, Chairman (512) 797-2703 Bales@TexansForCures.org

WE ARE COMMITTED TO CURING THE NUMBER ONE KILLER WORLDWIDE – HEART DISEASE. BY BUILDING A HUMAN HEART IN THE LABORATORY – WE ARE CREATING THE FUTURE OF MEDICINE TODAY.

WE ARE COMMITTED TO CURING THE NUMBER ONE KILLER WORLDWIDE – HEART DISEASE. BY BUILDING A HUMAN HEART IN THE LABORATORY – WE ARE CREATING THE FUTURE OF MEDICINE TODAY. WHAT CAN YOU DO TO MAKE SURE THIS WORK CONTINUES?

BUILDING A HUMAN HEART IN 2019: A MESSAGE FROM DR. DORIS TAYLOR

Full Transcript Found Here: BUILDING A HUMAN HEART IN 2019: A MESSAGE FROM DR. DORIS TAYLOR

When my twin brother and I were born in California, the doctors told my mother that we would not survive. We did, but my brother suffered throughout his life. Six years later my father died after a short illness and we moved to the Deep South. For me, quality of life and why I am here questions then haunted me as a little girl growing up. Watching the world from my Mississippi point of view, where important things were happening, I dreamed of changing the world for people who were sick, especially for those who suffered every day.    My career as a scientist has been punctuated by a long line of superiors, colleagues, and grant makers saying, “no, never going to happen” or “you and your ideas are crazy.” As someone who has had to watch others struggle to survive, I’ve learned to trust myself, to trust my instincts, and, most importantly, to trust my crazy ideas. Despite hitting walls of “no,” I achieved things that were unimaginable at the time—the 1st heart cell therapy experiments in 1998, a few years later the 1st experiments to show stem cells in heart disease differed in men and women, and in 2008 the crazy idea that something as simple as a type of dishwashing soap could take away all of the material in a heart or other organ and basically leave the plumbing and skeleton behind. That was an idea that changed the future of transplantation science.  

Today the only definitive cure for heart failure is a heart transplant. Yet, as a transplant surgeon once put it succinctly, “In our line of work, someone has to die for someone else to live.” I and others have refused to accept this as “hard” fact. The truth is that there will never be enough people who die to provide pristine organs to meet the ever-increasing demand for transplantable organs. I’m proud to belong to Texas Heart Institute (THI) in Houston, Texas, “the home of heart,” founded by the great Dr. Denton Cooley, who said, shortly before he died: “If you are a ship out in the ocean and someone throws you a life preserver, you don’t look at it to see if it has been approved by the federal government.”

From Dr. Cooley’s first human heart transplant in the US, to the conceptualization of the total artificial mechanical heart and Bud Frazier’s left ventricular assist device (LVAD) revolution, to our groundbreaking bioartificial heart —THI has pushed the boundaries of the possible before it was a catch phrase. 

Dr. Doris Taylor: Building a Human Heart

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In fact, heart transplant and LVADs, the therapies that can extend lives for people who are at the end of that road, would not exist today without individual citizens stepping up to fund such “high risk”’ research endeavors. The next “crazy idea,” the next first – a human heart built in the lab from a patient’s own cells – is no different.   Imagine a world where a patient who needs a heart transplant can go to a lab and provide a sample of their cells. A facility led by experts in cell biology and tissue engineering would exponentially grow the patient’s cells to the tune of billions. Using the technique developed by my lab, they would create a “ghost heart” from a human-sized pig heart, reseed it with the patient’s cells, and then grow and mature the heart in an artificial body, a bioreactor. The patient then would receive a heart transplant that his or her body accepts, saving their life and eliminating the need for lifelong anti-rejection drugs.   This next critical step however will only be accomplished through private donations. We’re at the point of creating a prototype of a living, beating human heart that could one day be ready to be placed in the chest of someone on the cusp of death. A heart that could give a normal life to this person without the need for a lifetime of organ rejection drugs. Our whole heart engineering has moved from a crazy idea, to one that is within sight of becoming reality. The only thing standing in the way is the immediate need for resources to keep this effort alive.   I’m reaching out to you to ask if you can help me find $500,000 through a single gift or smaller donations to keep this effort alive for 3 months. I’ve attached a one-page scientific summary and a technical scope that describes our accomplishments in more technical language and will be happy to send you a PBS NOVA episode called Transplanting Hope where you see both the heartbreaking unmet need for organs and the hope of our technology.    I appreciate your taking the time to consider this request. I know it’s not every day that someone asks you to invest in proving a scientific breakthrough where the outcome is not guaranteed, but this is the way the marvels of modern medicine, especially in the realm of stem cell science and transplantation, have become lifesaving realities.   Upon receiving this funding, in 6 to 8 months, we will accomplish a breakthrough: Building a human pediatric-sized beating heart in the laboratory; keeping it alive for 2 months; and reporting these findings nationally and internationally. You can become part of our team!

Dr Doris Taylor, Texas Heart Institute

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Ghost Heart Lab

[brokehorrorfan]

Interview: Larry Cohen (King Cohen)

Larry Cohen is known for writing and directing cult titles like The Stuff, It’s Alive, and Q, in addition to penning the screenplays for such films as Phone Booth, Captivity, and Cellular. Now he’s the subject of a documentary titled King Cohen. The prolific filmmaker discusses the honor with me, in addition to dropping exclusive details about the upcoming anthology series he’s developing with J.J. Abrams.

What was your reaction when you found out that Steven Mitchell wanted to make a documentary about you?

I was delighted that somebody would be interested in my career. I didn't know these people. I didn't participate really in the making of it. I didn't supervise the production or have input into the production; I just did the interviews and allowed them to follow me in certain places and film. I gave them addresses and names of people, contacts that they might use, but I didn't try to take over the picture. You know, I'm a control freak on my movies. I write, produce, and direct everything. So if I started getting involved I would have ended up taking over the whole production, which I didn't want to do. I left it up to them.

And how did you react after seeing the final product, King Cohen?

I just saw it up in Canada [at Fantasia]. It was almost two hours long, so I'm still trying to react to it now. It's odd seeing a movie about yourself.

Speaking of Fantasia, I understand you were given a Lifetime Achievement Award. What was that experience like?

They gave me a Lifetime Achievement Award and ran four or five of my movies. That was a nice event up there. Who am I to turn down a Lifetime Achievement Award?

Michael Moriarty was there to honor you. Can you tell us a little bit about your relationship with him after casting him in so many movies?

It was wonderful seeing him again. He was just fabulous. We had so much fun up on stage, our repartee, kidding each other. It was nice. His mind is so sharp; it was all there. He's had some physical problems over the years, but his mind is sharp as ever. I think he was as delighted to see me as I was to see him.

What do you think makes you a good subject for a documentary?

Oh, I don't know. I have a unique career as an independent filmmaker. I made 20 movies and had control of every aspect, from the casting to the script to the editing. There's a lot of other filmmakers around, but very few who write and direct and do everything on their movies. Woody Allen is one of them.

Looking back at your body of work, what stands out as your favorite project or the one you're most proud of?

Well, I like a lot of them. It's like asking, "What's your favorite child?" I like a lot of them. I particularly like The Private Files of J. Edgar Hoover. It was so atypical of my work and such an interesting picture in terms of the research I did and the newsworthy aspect of it. Although people did not pay attention to the newsworthy part of it back in those days, in 1974, because nobody would give any accreditation to a movie maker as far as breaking any news. It was a very newsworthy picture, and they paid no attention to it, but if you look at it now in retrospect you realize how far ahead of its time it was and how much information there was there that hadn't been revealed before. That was an exorcise in dealing with a real subject, a real figure, the real FBI. And today, with all this fuss about meetings between FBI directors and presidents, it's interesting to see that period in American history when Mr. Hoover and the presidents met all the time privately and had a lot of secrets between them.

I think being ahead of its time is something that can be said of many of your films, in addition to containing social commentary. Do your scripts usually begin with the social statement that a plot is then built around, or vice versa?

I don't really know the answer to that. The ideas come to me all at once, then I sit down and start to write them, and usually I have no idea where it's going when I start. I don't have an outline or a fixed focus on how it's going to end or where it's going to take me. I just write it, and it comes to life. A lot of it comes from the subconscious, I'm sure. I think most great writing comes from the subconscious, and you're just like a stenographer putting it down on paper. There was social comment on everything I did, even on television when I was writing episodic television and creating series. There was an underlying social message to each thing, but it was always cloaked in entertainment values rather than it being a right-on-the-nose political statement.

As someone with longevity, how were you able to overcome all the challenges you faced as a low budget filmmaker?

I always felt that I wasn't going to continue in the industry every time I made a movie. I thought, "Oh, well. Is this going to be the last one, or am I going to get to do another one?" You're always afraid that your luck will run out. I did 20 pictures, and that was quite a good number, and I sold at least 20 to 25 other scripts to other producers and companies that got made. That doesn't count the ones that I sold that didn't get made, that I got paid for but they didn't produce the pictures. There's many Larry Cohen scripts in the archive at Paramount and 20th Century Fox and MGM. They're all there, but nobody's going to go down in the basement and go through those filing cabinets. Nobody's interested in what was done by a previous administration, so those are kind of lost projects. But there must another 10 or 15 of those around. My gosh, I've written a lot of screenplays.

Do you have any advice for aspiring filmmakers who want to do things independently the way you did?

Well, people are doing it today. It's somewhat easier in terms of shooting things because of the change to digital filming. You don't need big cameras, and you don't need a lot of lights, and you don't have to edit on film. You still have to have the good script and you have to have good performances, but the actual overhead is less. However, there's very few places to get your picture played anymore. Very few low budget pictures get any kind of distribution at all, and usually that's just a horror movie. Some of my movies would qualify as horror movies, but I never thought of them that way. I thought of them as Larry Cohen movies. That's what they were!

It's been several years since your last produced screenplay and even longer since your last directing credit. With the documentary reintroducing your career to a lot of people, do you think we'll see another Larry Cohen movie?

We're working on a series now for cable with J.J. Abrams, who is a big fan of mine, and his company, Bad Robot. Each season would be 10 original one-hour Larry Cohen thrillers. We've got about two seasons already written, ready to be shot. If that happens, it'll be a whole new renaissance, and there will be a lot of my material out in the world, and I'll direct some of them.

That's excellent news! So it would be anthology style?

That's what it's going to be, a thriller anthology. I'm hoping to get somebody like Christopher Walken to be the host and introduce them in a comedic way.

A lot of your material seems ripe for a remake. It's Alive has already been remade, and Maniac Cop is in the works. Have you been approached about remakes of any of your other films?

Every once in a while somebody calls up and asks me about the rights to something. I always tell them what it would cost, and then usually I don't hear from them again. But it's okay. I don't care if they remake any of my pictures. I like them how they were. Most of the remakes that have been done of classic thrillers or classic horror films or classic science fiction, the original is better. The new version has better special effects and great CGI and a bigger budget, but in general the original pictures were better.

I know you're not involved on the production side of it, but do you have any insight about when everyone can see King Cohen?

We'll, we're going to show it in Austin, Texas at a big jamboree down there, and it's scheduled to show in London and in Sitges, Spain. After that, there will be a premiere [in Los Angeles] at the Egyptian Theater, and then screening perhaps in New York. After that, it'll get distribution, whether it's on cable or we get some theatrical run. But I'm not out there trying to sell my own life story.

This might be a poor question on that note, but for someone who may not be familiar with your work, why should they check out King Cohen?

If you want to see my movies, you can go on the internet! There's like 14 movies of mine that are available for rental. They're about $1.99 each, and they're well worth it. If you want to see a good Larry Cohen movie, you can see any one of them or all of them. The internet provides some longevity for these pictures. You don't have to wait for them to play in a revival theater anymore. You don't have to wait for them to come to the video store. They're all there, and you can just push a button and they're in your home instantly. And you don't have to return to them!

And no more late fees!

No more late fees. Well, it is an entertaining picture. It's longer than thought - it's almost 2 hours long - but you never get bored. There's all kind of surprises. Even I was surprised!

[maartenscherpenisse]

It was perhaps most popular in the 1950s, as a new consumer society began confidently rolling off the production line, and the age of literary science fiction arguably reached its peak. It was particularly popular with children, who read about it in comics with titles like Fantastic Adventures and Planet Stories. But many adults were equally sold on the promise offered. It was assumed fairly widely that by the year 2000 the promise would have been kept, and that humanity would benefit greatly.

It didn't take long for this optimism to abate, and for a few decades the idea seemed to disappear from the popular consciousness. But I've noticed that in the last few years that old promise has resurfaced in the popular consciousness. This time around, though, it has a different taste to it. This time around, it seems more like a threat.

I'm talking about the human colonization of other worlds. It seems eccentric even to write the words, but there's no doubt that a belief in humanity's need—perhaps its destiny—to colonize the moon, or Mars, or other worlds known or unknown, is making a strange kind of cultural comeback. No matter that it is no more practical now than it was in the 1950s. No matter that it doesn't look likely that it could happen within the lifetime of anyone alive today, if ever. The practicalities are not the point: it is a fantasy, a motif. It is a means of salvation.

Back in the optimistic 1950s, with the promise of material abundance everywhere, the space race beginning, and much of the population of the Western world still excited about the possibilities offered by new technologies and a beneficial, authoritative science, the idea of humans some day extending their reach to other worlds seemed simply an inevitable progression. I remember believing it myself at school in the late 1970s and the early 80s. This was the future, and it looked great. I consumed Isaac Asimov novels at a rate of knots. I was looking forward to it.

Today, the world is a different place. The popular faith in science and technology has drained away, to be replaced by a widespread, if often unspoken, fear. From biotechnology to geoengineering, from unmanned drones to internet surveillance, the democratic promise of technology has been transmuted into an authoritarian threat. Meanwhile, that vision of science-fueled progress has done as much damage as it has offered improvement. With the climate changing, with the sixth mass extinction well underway, with the ocean swimming in our industrial refuse, with our own chemical backwash in our breast milk and bloodstreams, it's a harder world for techno-optimists to find a voice. We have opened the box and seen where our ambition leads, and though we might quickly close it again and look away, it is too late in the day for any kind of innocence.

I think it is precisely this fear of the future, this sense of a looming apocalypse, this feeling that we have unleashed a monster that is now beyond our control, that has given rise to the latest outburst about the colonization of other worlds. This time, the idea is not buoyed on a tide of optimism and hope, but tinged with desperation, sadness and sometimes even anger. This time, it is not our next exciting adventure, but our final hope.

Just in the last few years, I have seen a number of people who should know better speculating on how colonizing Mars may be humanity's best prospect for a liveable future. The logic verges on the psychopathic: We have now wrecked this planet beyond the point of no return; there are too many people here, our political systems are unable to contain our technological or economic ambitions, and individual greed and desire is running out of control. There is no way that seven billion people can live the kind of lifestyle they apparently want to live without endless conflict and ecological destruction.

The solution? Not to change ourselves, but to find another planet on which to replay the same script. If we begin to shift people "offworld," we will have new frontiers to explore. The pressure on Earth will be reduced. We will be saved, by our cleverness, from the consequences of our cleverness.

Some of the voices which have been clamoring for humans to build themselves a presence on other worlds have been predictable enough. Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, for example, a veteran of those optimistic times, called last year for "American permanence on the planet Mars" within two decades. Stephen Hawking, probably the world's most famous scientist, recently insisted that "we must continue to go into space for humanity...We won't survive another 1,000 years without escaping our fragile planet."

Physicists and astronauts can be excused their daydreams, but they are no longer alone. New strands have been woven into the optimistic space rhetoric of earlier times, and one of the most common is the suggestion that colonizing other worlds will provide new space for humans to expand—and, perhaps crucially, may offer new resources for the toys, gadgets and machines we are mining our own planet to death to get hold of. Writing in the millionaire's magazine of choice Forbes last year, technology writer James Conca made this case starkly: "Growing shortages of key inorganic elements, such as rare earth elements for all our electronic gadgets and renewable energy systems, platinum and other related metals...suggest that we may need more non-renewable resources than Earth can provide," he explained.

You will find arguments like this in every niche on the internet now: we need more space, we need more stuff, and we can't find it here. Maybe it is "out there" instead! Bind this bundle of blind greed and desire with a length of imperial bombast—insist that exploring space is the equivalent of exploring the oceans in an earlier age, that it is our right and our destiny—and you have a whole new fantastical mythology on your hands. Now, the planet which created us is what holds us back from achieving our potential. Note how Hawking talks of "escaping" the Earth, as if the only living planet we know of, the source of all life, were a prison, and the dead vacuum of space offered the clean air of freedom. It takes a strange kind of mind to believe this. Perhaps it takes a brilliant one.

At the same time as this seed has begun to re-establish itself in the intellectual topsoil of the industrial world, I have seen other utopian weeds begin to flourish. I recently had a conversation with a woman who told me she was looking forward to the development of the artificial uterus—a technology which is currently being explored—so that women could be relieved of the burden of pregnancy and birth. She believed it would foster gender equality.

Perhaps related to this is the ever-popular dream of the "Singularity"—itself a term coined in the 1950s. The Singularity is the point at which machine intelligence surpasses human intelligence, and all bets are off about the future of our species (and presumably every other species too). The Singularity is an idea that used to be confined to the hipster idealists of Silicon Valley, but it has recently broken free and is beginning to establish itself more widely.

There is plenty more technological utopianism that could be added to this list: the ongoing crusade by neo-environmentalists to use biotechnology to recreate extinct species, for example. Or perhaps even the increasingly dominant concept of the "Anthropocene" era, the Age of Humans, in which we have changed the Earth so radically that our only option is to act as if we were not simply inhabitants but creators: to take on the mantle of gods in order to correct our mistakes. For a culture which pivots around a need for control and a deeply anthropocentric idea of human manifest destiny, the appeal of this notion is clear enough.

What are we to make of this? Is it some strange, deranged endgame? Perhaps techno-industrial society, hyped up on its own sense of indestructibility, is hitting walls everywhere and doesn't have the intellectual or spiritual equipment to deal with the resulting mess. All we can do is argue for more of the same: more onward momentum, more technological mediation, more control. Are these anything more than the fantasies of people whose worldview is crumbling? Are they any more than delusions?

Certainly many of these fantasies—because this is what they are—start to fall apart on examination. Take that colonization of Mars, for example. The writer John Michael Greer recently drew attention to a paper published in the journal Nature in 1997. A team of economists had calculated how much value was contributed to the global economy by nature, as opposed to human effort. Their results suggested that, for every US dollar's worth of goods and services consumed by human beings each year, around 75 cents are provided free of charge by the Earth's ecosystems. Only the remaining 25 cents were created by human economic activity. If we were to colonize a dead planet, like Mars, we would somehow need to make up that 75 percent on our own, working it up from a world of dead rock and dust. How would we do it? We have no idea. In all likelihood, it would be entirely impossible.

So, what should we call this clutching at straws? We could call it idealism, even utopianism. It is clearly both of those things. But perhaps it is something else too. Perhaps it is a modern day form of Romanticism.

Look up the word "Romantic" in a dictionary, and you will probably be met with definitions like this: "exaggeration or picturesque falsehood... A sense of remoteness from or idealization of everyday life ... Exaggerate or distort the truth, especially fantastically." "Romantic" is a word that is commonly thrown around, often by the kind of people who idealize Mars bases, to dismiss people who draw inspiration from the past rather than the future. It is a popular insult, which, as so many insults do, relieves the insulter of the burden of thinking.

A "Romantic," in these terms, is somebody who views the past through "rose-tinted spectacles," and desires a return to it. Somebody who, for example, idealizes rural communities and low technology cultures and doesn't understand the harshness and horror of preindustrial life. A "Romantic" is usually a bourgeois escapist, who sees "nature" as welcoming rather than threatening, doesn't realize that life before the coming of antibiotics and television was nasty, brutish and short, and is only able to hold those views because of his or her privileged position within the protective bubble of industrial society.

This caricature is not entirely unfounded. Certainly there are plenty of naive visions of the past around, and there are plenty of unrealistic assessments of the present as well. But it seems to me that Romanticizing the past, in our culture at this point in time, is less common than Romanticizing the future. The only difference is that Romanticizing the future is socially acceptable.

Consider what the two worldviews have in common. One of them looks back to a period of the past which is considered to be superior to the present, and draws inspiration from it. So a "primitivist," for example, may look right back to the Paleolithic era, before the development of agriculture, and hail this as the high point of human development. We lived in harmony with the natural world until the first grain seed was cultivated, after which we slid into a future of hierarchy, control and ecological destruction. Because there is no possibility of getting back to this period, and because we know very little about it, it is easy to project our emotional needs onto it. This is essentially the Christian narrative of the Fall re-tooled for an anti-capitalist age, and it has the same primal appeal.

It's not hard to find people who swim in these waters. I've swum there myself, and I find it a tempting and comforting story. Perhaps buying into narratives like this is foolish, or perhaps it is just human. But if it is foolish, is it any more so than indulging in fantasies about moon bases and salvation by silicon chip? What is the difference between those who project their needs onto the past, and those who project them onto the future? What is the difference between someone who sees perfection in the ice age, and someone who sees perfection in the space age? It may not always be realistic to look to the past for inspiration, but at least we know, more or less, what the past was like. We have no idea what the future will bring. Perhaps that is the attraction: space is empty, in every sense, and that makes it big enough to contain all of our dreams, however baroque.

Still, if we are going to use words like "Romantic," we should at least understand their provenance. The Romantic movement, which flourished during the first half of the 19th century, was a reaction to the utilitarianism of the 18th-century "Enlightenment." It responded to the dehumanizing impact of mass industry, the rationalization of nature and the increasing emphasis on human reason, with a defense of an emotional, intuitive reaction to the natural world and to human relationships. Though it is perhaps best known today through the poetry of Wordsworth or the art of the German landscape painters, it was at the time just as deeply entwined with radical politics and an assault on the dogmas of materialism and scientism. If it sometimes idealized the past, that was probably an inevitable reaction to the bombastic championing of the future which was going on all around.

Personally, I don't think the word "Romantic" should be used as an insult at all; like its counterpart "Luddite," it is a misused historical term. But if it must be—and perhaps it is too late to turn things around—then at least let it be an equal opportunities insult. If it is to be used to condemn those who idealize particular time periods, let the time periods encompass those yet to come as well as those which have gone.

Looked at this way, the Mars-base future, like the future in which we rebuild passenger pigeons in laboratories, breed babies in machines and download our consciousness into silicon chips, is an exercise in Space Age Romanticism. The kind of people who are disgusted by an idealized past can often barely contain their enthusiasm for an idealized future. And when objections are raised, they can dress their visions up in moral language: we must save the planet, we must provide new space for humans to develop and meet their ever-increasing needs. Expect to hear more of this in years to come, as the situation here on Earth grows more desperate.

What is to be done about this? The answer to this question, as so often, seems to me to be personal rather than political. There is no way to prevent this society from Romanticizing progress and technology, and there is no way to prevent it coming down hard on visions of human-scale and ecological development. It will continue to do this until its own intellectual framework, and probably its physical framework, collapses under its own weight. These attitudes are in our Space Age DNA.

But what we can do, when presented with a vision which projects an ideal onto either the future or the past, is examine our own personal need to be deluded. Engage with any of the world's great spiritual teachers, or many of its secular philosophers, and you will come across the claim that most of us, most of the time, are caught up in our own delusions. That is to say, we are creating our own mental maps of the world, by which we navigate its harsh tracts, and we are hugely reluctant to see these maps taken from us, or to see any of the directions printed upon them questioned. These maps may be religious, philosophical, political or any variation of these things. But they mean that when we look out at the world, we don't see the world itself, we see our own perception of it, and that perception of it is colored by our own emotional needs.

So, if we need to believe in progress, we will believe in progress. If we need to believe in Apocalypse, we will believe in that. If we need to deny the existence of climate change, or believe we can go back to the Pleistocene or forward to the Martian future, we will believe those things, and as long as we want to believe them, nothing can tear those maps from our hands.

The purpose of delusions is to comfort us, and our Space Age delusions comfort us on a civilizational level. The best way around them is probably to examine our own mental maps—and thus our own minds—and try to deflect them as they come. This is the work of a lifetime, but perhaps in the end it is the only work.

"All that we are," explained the Buddha 2,500 years ago, "is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become." We can see what our civilization is becoming, and where it is going too. What delusions brought you here—and how do you begin to strip them away?