mein-taeglich-brot

[mein-taeglich-brot]

March 14, 2019 - Breakfast

I still didn't go for a run, so I have to go in the afternoon. For Breakfast I had the same as yesterday just with coconut joghurt.

It came up to roughly 250 calories.

[mein-taeglich-brot]

March 13 2019 - Dinner

For dinner I had the rest of the laksa soup and a salad with just cucumber, tomatos, red onions, corn, a drop of olive oil and balsamic vinegar. I call crunchy salad.

But I ate in front of the tv again, so I got bored and ate more pistachios and hummus as a snack. Oh and around 3 o'clock I drank a coffee with milk and ate some pistachios.

[mein-taeglich-brot]

March 13 2019 - Lunch

After cleaning I took the time to cook a laksa soup from a recipe I found on Pinterest. Apparently I waited a little to long, because I was so hungry I snacked almost all the sugar snap peas with hummus while cooking. But it still came up to less than 400 kcal.

And I didn't eat in front of the tv but sat down at my kitchen table and concentrated on eating. This led to stopping before I was so uncomfortably full that I can't eat anymore, but when I was just full. This is also a thing that makes me overeat a lot, distraction from tv. On the one hand I know that, on the other hand I sometimes think that it's one of the few things I have in life that make me happy. Isn't that sad? As I said in my first post overeating is just a symptom from other problems and for me at least one problem is that I try to fill a void with food and that I turn to food for comfort. So I have to find other ways to fill the void and ways to comfort myself.

[mein-taeglich-brot]

March 13, 2019

I actually cleaned my apartment, or at least my bathroom, kitchen and bedroom.

Kitchen

Bedroom

The bathroom wasn't really that diffrent, because it's much more cleaning than tidying up.

It took me a little over 2 hours, which isn't that long. So I'm happy, that I did it but I'm also a little mad at myself, that I didn't do it earlier. I should keep in mind that tidying and cleaning my apartment is not half as bad as I imagine it.

[mein-taeglich-brot]

March 13 2019 - Breakfast

So this is the breakfast I'm eating right now. It's a big glass of green tea with jasmin (in the pineapple glass), decaffinated coffee with soy milk (the mug says greetings from the Baltic Sea where I was born [literally East Sea in german] and the blue pattern is called Zwiebelmuster or Blue Onion) and what looks like potato salad is unsweetend soy joghurt with crushed flaxseed, cinnamon and vanilla. In total it comes up to 200 calories:

but I'm gonna drink more coffee with milk and a teapot green tea.

Originally I wanted to go for a run this morning, but I slept till 8:30 and I always take that as an excuse not to go at all, because by then there are to many people outside. Since I have to go at least twice a week to avoid getting horrible migraines, and the last time I went was sunday, I have to go tomorrow.

I'm still home from my vacation till monday so I have extra time to deep clean my apartment or extra organize things, something I wouldn't have time for in a 40 hour work week, but I'm still lying in bed watching tv, and I've been home since friday. I should at least normal-clean my apartment, but I so don't feel like it.

[mein-taeglich-brot]

March 12, 2019

So...hello Internet.

I had my main tumblr for ... idk, 5 years or more but I have never posted anything original or interacted with anyone before, just reposted motivational pictures and quotes to help me with my weight loss. And, well... it didn't work to great.

I would always work out more and eat better for a couple of days, sometimes even months but till now I've always fallen back into my old habits and gained (most) of the weight back in no time. I mostly tried low carb diets, but as it is with all restrictions diets, at some point the cravings get to overwhelming and I start binging again. And mostly it's not just one meal, not even just a couple of days, but weeks or months, untill I gained all the weight back again and feel even worse.

Then I started to believe more and more (what experts tell us all the time) that dieting doesn't work, because it is just working on the symptoms, not the actual problems. I read a book about how I'm overweight because I think I'm overweight. It said that when you percieve yourself as overweight, you try to work on it with traditional restriction-diets, fail, try to make up for the lost meals by eating them all at once, feel even worse about eating, eating in secret and for comfort and thus gaining more weight an starting a cycle of obesity. So if you wanted to be healthy and lose the excess weight, it isn't enough to just eat less and work out more, because as easy as that's sounds (I mean it's just two things) it's not as easy to stick to it for as long as you need to lose weight. So the book said I had to 'reprogramm' my brain, so it would think of my body as thin and wouldn't see the need to eat for comfort anymore und then I would lose weight without even noticing. Sounds great, right? And it is because actually works. As least as long as there is no other problem in your life than beeing overweight. But I think that's rarely the case, and it wasn't for me either.

So it worked for me for a while and I didn't even notice that I was losing weight, because I wasn't restricting myself. I lost about 6 Kg (13 lbs) in maybe 3 months or less just because I wasn't eating for comfort or out of boredom anymore. I didn't have the urge to mindlessly stuff my face right after I came home and would just eat a small salad or nothing at all, if I wasn't hungry. I think that was the key point of the book - to bring you back to your intuitive eating and lifting off all the associations you had build with food over the last years (comfort, distraction from feelings and boredom, reward) and getting it back to nourishment.

But then apparently something traumatizing happend and I gained weight back, but not really fast this time. (I can't pinpoint what exactly had happend, but I remember beeing at a baby shower for a friends third baby and eating all the cake I had baked and then brought back home with me at the end of the night and then not beeing able to stop eating anymore. But I still don't know what exactly triggered me. Meaby it was the eating at the party where I didn't really wanted to be. I like spending time with this friend, but I'm not a people person, more the opposite. But I still have no idea 10 months later.) I tried to get back in the right headspace by allowing me every food I wanted, but that back fired and I only ate more unhealthy food.

As I mentioned earlier beeing overweight is not my only problem, so this wasn't enough. I also still don't know how I got into the right headspace in the first place and now that I'm writing this I think it wasn't by focusing on my weight or food intake but meaby by focusing on my other problems. When I put my focus elsewhere and meaby made progress, my overall problems lessened and triggered my eating-for-comfort less?! Mhm.

As you can see from this rambling, I'm not here to share my wisdom, due to the lack thereof, but to gain a little more insight into my brain while writing. I'm starting psychotherapy and what came up right away was, that I have to be more honest with myself, which I'm trying to do eith this diary. So it most likely won't be just about my eating habits but also about my thoughts and feelings in general. I actually just wanted to intruduce myself a little today. I won't be eating anymore, because it's already 11:27 pm and I already brushed my teeth. But I really hope this whim lasts till tomorrow and I actually post my (hopefully healthy) breakfast.

[Disclaimer: I don't know anything so please don't expect any facts or coherent thoughts. English is only my second language. I learned it for 9 years in school but after that mostly from tv-shows and movies so it might not be correct in an oxford-sense. I'm also bad at spelling, but that goes for all languages.]