#Being alone sucks
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I need to get railed, I need to be cuddled, I need a good night of sleep, and I need this pit of anxiety in my stomach to go away. Maybe then I’ll feel myself again.
#also forehead kisses when we wake up#i’m needy#anxiety sucks#being alone sucks#im exhausted#Persephone IRL
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I miss being kissed. I miss being held. I miss getting my ass grabbed.
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Hey. Do me a favor.
On holidays like Thanksgiving, where the emphasis is on family and togetherness, make a little effort to reach out to friends whom you know are alone on the day.
The loneliness is very real and it's hard to bear when you're getting hammered with messages of love and the joy of family and how everyone should be glowing and happy with their loved ones around this time.
(yes, this is american centric, fuck you I'm american. do it with other holidays that are pertinent to you and your culture.)
#being alone sucks#at least when my parents were alive i could count on doing something for turkey day#now i get to ruminate on how my brother has forgotten i exist#it's fun#i mean i'm partly responsible for sure#but it still fucking hurts#i hope everyone has someone to hug#holidays kinda suck when you're already dealing with unmedicated depression
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#i fucking hate myself tonight#i keep trying to not beat myself up about like...having feelings#but what happened sucks#being alone sucks#and my brain isnfighting me every second I try and just exist#i keep thinking im not WORTH being in anyones life#and i know i have people who care about me my brain is just fucking broken and it doesnt want to believe them#i don't want to feel sick to my stomach anymore when instaty having feelings#I'm so scared#i want to give up i really do#i can finally pick up my new meds today so maybe sleep and those working into my system will help#i need them to so fucking bad#i keep trying to fix myself and i keep getting reminded that its not been enough no matter how much i improve#I'd give almost anything to be normal so that maybe someone could love me without the looming BPD shaped sword of damocles hanging overhead#i feel fucking stupid for even being upset about this#but whatever#sleep then breakfast then meds then just take everything minute to minute one day at a time#i can do this#i can fucking do this
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sometimes I wish there was a blog where i could scream about shinee to without judgement…
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I hate existing like this, always in limbo, always waiting for the next thing to happen. Never good things, just waiting and yearning for things I cannot have. I want to be around people, I want to hug strangers again, I want to feel safe in my own skin.
I want to talk with more than one person that I don't live with. I love that one person, he's my dearest friend, but I am so LONELY and it hurts.
This is just a rant, I guess. I don't know what to do anymore other than beg for human connection and interaction that isn't my children begging for my undivided attention from the moment i open my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I would and do give them absolutely all of me, every day. But when does mom get to be burned out when the whole household would fall apart without me? It's reached a point that I'm terrified to try to go out anywhere, both bc of Covid and because chaos unfolds at home that I know I'll have to deal with later. I'm a prisoner of my own design, but it was never meant to be this way...
#i need friends#being alone sucks#i had a dream last night about being cuddled and loved#every time i do the horizontal tango with my “roommate” i want to cry after because i dont want a fwb situationship but its my own fault
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I need more friends or mutuals.
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I downloaded a dating app for single parents.....God I feel lame
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I hate to be that one person who’s like when ur so busy ur not consumed by other people or being in a relationship blah blah blah …. But truly when u have ur hands full you could fucking care less and it’s so liberating
#Like the moment you get busy the desperation to be seen by other ppl#Both platonically and romantically#Goes away so fast#I’m very dangerous when I’m in these moods bc it’s easy to push good ppl away when you’re too#Focused on yourself#But also I like not being that anxious about anyone#Like it’s not that deep#It’s its own kind of nice even though ik it’s such a slippery slope#Also the obsession to be in a relationship or the being scared of being alone goes away so fast#It truly sucks that the “have hobbies/goals” advice works so well but it DOES#Not that I’m advocating for anyone to be a hermit like ofc human connection still matters#The desperation is just not there so it’s much less high stakes if it’s not in ur life rn#Like how can you be wasting time if ur getting to know urself better
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early bird activities
#op#one piece#sanuso#usosan#sanji#usopp#sogeking#soba mask#stealth black#sogesoba#god usopp#black leg sanji#vinsmoke sanji#my art#mintart#SORRY THE QUALITY SUCKS I DID THIS DURING CLASS#DID NOT EXPECT TO CLEAN IT UP LATER BUT IT WAS RLY SILLY AND I WANTED TO SHARE IT BHGFKSDJ#he found the action figures usopp made for chopper im crying#sanji being an early bird and getting to be a lil cringe before everyone wakes up forgetting that#usopp is an insomniac and decides to give up on sleeping some days#WHY IS HE LIKE THIS!!!!!#thanks percy for the mental image of sanji setting up a romantic dinner IM CRRYINGGGG I HATE HIM#plsssss someone needs to draw that or ill do it UGHH I WISH I COULD PROJECT A MENTAL IMAGE USING MY BRAIN ALONE#he's soooooo#we all know usopp can't be weirded out by this because if he had access to the internet at a young age he'd be roleplaying on amino
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Do you really like liminal spaces because they make you nostalgic for your childhood or do you like them because you're in love with the idea of being the only living thing in existence so you can enjoy the world without the constant input of other people haunting your every step
#liminal#liminal spaces#the backrooms#tbh the thought of other people in the backrooms ruins it for me#the whole POINT is that you are alone and everything you do or that happens to you is witnessed only by beings with no true sentience#dreamcore#the DESIRE in me#its the escapism your honor its the feeling of complete and utter isolation that would cow the most strong-willed of men given long enough#its the feeling of being the one and only observer of things lost to time#no more eyeballs on you#bc tbh i am NOT nostalgic for my childhood that shit SUCKED#i am settled solidly in hiraeth your honor
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late night chat
#meeple.png#inanimate insanity#inanimate insanity invitational#ii oj#ii mephone4#ii mephoj#not inherently shippy but it is based on the weird gay little version of iii in my head#anyway i think they should've had some kind of summer romance in iii that changes their view on their lives forever#and leaves them haunted by eachother in a way that neither will want to address but it sticks with them#oj is Stuck in his shitty hotel job and kind of caged himself into that the more he insists its Just the way it is and hes fine with it#while mephone has simply gotten used to running away and hiding as much as he can#neither are good coping mechanisms but the kind of experience and perspective they have could be exactly what they need to hear#oj needs to Fucking Quit while mephone needs to let himself find community and let others know him#so he doesn't feel like he Has to run or he Has to do it alone#oj has connections albeit some messier than others#and hes a bit of a bitch but definitely more liked than mephone#and mephone has the If It Sucks Hit The Bricks mentality and the bluntness to get that through to oj#oj also has the perspective of being a s1 vet which means he has a very different view on mephone than others might#and that could do some good in getting through to mephone how his host behavior can negatively affect the contestants involved#mephone views oj as more equal to him as theyre business partners. hes very friendly to him (even if one sided.) he might just listen#sorry if this rant is redundant btw im not reading back any of this HAHA
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my designs of teen chara and frisk !!
#undertale#chara#frisk#frisk undertale#chara undertale#charisk#fanart#my art#headcanon time i think when chara got their own body they would be very clingy to each other…#i mean cus#after being together in the same body for years#it would take a lot of time getting used to being alone again#i actually wanted to make a comic about that but it sucked so i didnt
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Sight of a Star - Blue-ish Star Ryōshū and Don Quixote
#HERES HOW BLUE-ISH STAR BELIEVERS CAN STILL WIN I PROMISE#Rendering sucks but I do like how these look very much. I hate drawing armour. big fan of dramatic shadows however.#but! as for justifications:#B-iS is an abno regarding what one so desperately wants but cannot have - possibly connecting to Blue Star and the paradise-like place-#people wish to reach by throwing themselves into it. though what is offered by B-iS is a much less refined yet as tantalising#given the text of 'The irresistible allure is almost tearing you apart' and the less refined bit being implied by both design#[jagged edges of the actual blue shape and legs like dolls - both unlike BS' much rounder and more naturalistic design]#in short it's the manifestation of impossible dreams - for Don this is her quest for a just knighthood in the City of all places#and for Ryōshū [though idk her source] it is her final work of art - the Hell Screen#when approached one's body is 'pushed away' as if a manifestation of how it is unachievable. at least it is for them#'To be truly blue the one with the true blue must be left alone in one’s blueness.'#is what I interpret as: 'to truly dream the dreamer must be left to one's fantasies'#dreams by nature do not intersect well with reality. all their flaws will be shown and they will crack under the pressure of the real world#it is why the dream pushes them away. to preserve itself. also probably has something to do with how DQ also has void dream#and this abno gives pride boosts in its event. and I personally see pride as a sort of 'self assurance' or 'self above others' so to speak#as to chase ones dreams one must think themselves the exception. as the one that can persevere over the City#plus the HP damage and the various juxtapositions in the 'forward' option may be in reference to how dreams and reality don't mix.#harming those who chase them. though all the same the 'backwards' option shows that simply tossing them aside shall hurt in its own way#to think oneself 'impure' enough to give up on chasing it is all the same resignation on your uniqueness#as for the gift: the name is possibly to do with how lower stars seem easier to reach. and the effect of damage at minus SP....#going insane dream chasing?#but to take ones leave allows for it to be left behind without any further effects. you did not look at your dreams. acknowledge them at al#but are you better off like that? not dreaming? forgetting that brilliantly unfinished star?#but anyways I hope you liked my rambles. also this abno and everything related to Blue Star is so tastefully C flavoured that I love them#and fun fact! when I was first generally mapping sinners to unfightable/EGOless abnos I entirely forgot Ryōshū somehow. which led to this.#they don't have weapons they just kick real hard and it works well enough#limbus company#ryōshū lcb#don quixote lcb#🎠🚬
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Methinks its time to move back home actually
#i talked to my aunt about it and honestly like. i might as well#im broke im in a bunch of debt i have no access to medical insurance so i cant get therapy im alone depressed and my bills are always late#and ive been stuck in my apartment for months bc of this ridiculous registration shit for my car#so as much as i dont want to sell my car OR move im. thinking about it now#like at least id have the house almost to myself since my sibling moved out#and i could make the upstairs my own pretty much. plus ive been meaning to jelp renovate up there so#why not#plus i can save for tattoo stuff properly#i just feel like im giving up i was trying to prove i could care for myself and#I feel like ive proven km incapable pf being an adult bc of this it sucks#but at least my ma and my aunt are willing to help me as i figure shit out. im lucky to have them#mag.txt
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