#Being alone sucks
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I miss being kissed. I miss being held. I miss getting my ass grabbed.
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Hey. Do me a favor.
On holidays like Thanksgiving, where the emphasis is on family and togetherness, make a little effort to reach out to friends whom you know are alone on the day.
The loneliness is very real and it's hard to bear when you're getting hammered with messages of love and the joy of family and how everyone should be glowing and happy with their loved ones around this time.
(yes, this is american centric, fuck you I'm american. do it with other holidays that are pertinent to you and your culture.)
#being alone sucks#at least when my parents were alive i could count on doing something for turkey day#now i get to ruminate on how my brother has forgotten i exist#it's fun#i mean i'm partly responsible for sure#but it still fucking hurts#i hope everyone has someone to hug#holidays kinda suck when you're already dealing with unmedicated depression
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#i fucking hate myself tonight#i keep trying to not beat myself up about like...having feelings#but what happened sucks#being alone sucks#and my brain isnfighting me every second I try and just exist#i keep thinking im not WORTH being in anyones life#and i know i have people who care about me my brain is just fucking broken and it doesnt want to believe them#i don't want to feel sick to my stomach anymore when instaty having feelings#I'm so scared#i want to give up i really do#i can finally pick up my new meds today so maybe sleep and those working into my system will help#i need them to so fucking bad#i keep trying to fix myself and i keep getting reminded that its not been enough no matter how much i improve#I'd give almost anything to be normal so that maybe someone could love me without the looming BPD shaped sword of damocles hanging overhead#i feel fucking stupid for even being upset about this#but whatever#sleep then breakfast then meds then just take everything minute to minute one day at a time#i can do this#i can fucking do this
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I saw this interracial couple laughing together in the car when I picked up my daughter from school and I just started crying
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sometimes I wish there was a blog where i could scream about shinee to without judgement…
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I hate existing like this, always in limbo, always waiting for the next thing to happen. Never good things, just waiting and yearning for things I cannot have. I want to be around people, I want to hug strangers again, I want to feel safe in my own skin.
I want to talk with more than one person that I don't live with. I love that one person, he's my dearest friend, but I am so LONELY and it hurts.
This is just a rant, I guess. I don't know what to do anymore other than beg for human connection and interaction that isn't my children begging for my undivided attention from the moment i open my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I would and do give them absolutely all of me, every day. But when does mom get to be burned out when the whole household would fall apart without me? It's reached a point that I'm terrified to try to go out anywhere, both bc of Covid and because chaos unfolds at home that I know I'll have to deal with later. I'm a prisoner of my own design, but it was never meant to be this way...
#i need friends#being alone sucks#i had a dream last night about being cuddled and loved#every time i do the horizontal tango with my “roommate” i want to cry after because i dont want a fwb situationship but its my own fault
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I need more friends or mutuals.
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I downloaded a dating app for single parents.....God I feel lame
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I hate to be that one person who’s like when ur so busy ur not consumed by other people or being in a relationship blah blah blah …. But truly when u have ur hands full you could fucking care less and it’s so liberating
#Like the moment you get busy the desperation to be seen by other ppl#Both platonically and romantically#Goes away so fast#I’m very dangerous when I’m in these moods bc it’s easy to push good ppl away when you’re too#Focused on yourself#But also I like not being that anxious about anyone#Like it’s not that deep#It’s its own kind of nice even though ik it’s such a slippery slope#Also the obsession to be in a relationship or the being scared of being alone goes away so fast#It truly sucks that the “have hobbies/goals” advice works so well but it DOES#Not that I’m advocating for anyone to be a hermit like ofc human connection still matters#The desperation is just not there so it’s much less high stakes if it’s not in ur life rn#Like how can you be wasting time if ur getting to know urself better
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when did that start?
#vent art a bit?? or a lot i guess? depending on how you feel about realizing you are burnt out which hm.#i think it's a lot of factors that started it all tbh and i think having a rough year just made everything a little more worse#perhaps i'm just not in the right headspace and consequently it feels like i ran out of juice after 15+ yrs#and my art started to feel ........disposable (which i'm aware it's not but you know how it goes)#this fucking sucks truthfully but i think putting a label to the feeling feels a little better because it's sentient now#and it being real means there's hope of making it (ironically) disposable one day#i will still draw dw but it's just gonna take time i think#didn't expect to be vulnerable on a late Monday night but if you feel like this also you're not alone#anyway i'm just gonna sleep thank u if you made it this far#doodles
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early bird activities
#op#one piece#sanuso#usosan#sanji#usopp#sogeking#soba mask#stealth black#sogesoba#god usopp#black leg sanji#vinsmoke sanji#my art#mintart#SORRY THE QUALITY SUCKS I DID THIS DURING CLASS#DID NOT EXPECT TO CLEAN IT UP LATER BUT IT WAS RLY SILLY AND I WANTED TO SHARE IT BHGFKSDJ#he found the action figures usopp made for chopper im crying#sanji being an early bird and getting to be a lil cringe before everyone wakes up forgetting that#usopp is an insomniac and decides to give up on sleeping some days#WHY IS HE LIKE THIS!!!!!#thanks percy for the mental image of sanji setting up a romantic dinner IM CRRYINGGGG I HATE HIM#plsssss someone needs to draw that or ill do it UGHH I WISH I COULD PROJECT A MENTAL IMAGE USING MY BRAIN ALONE#he's soooooo#we all know usopp can't be weirded out by this because if he had access to the internet at a young age he'd be roleplaying on amino
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Do you really like liminal spaces because they make you nostalgic for your childhood or do you like them because you're in love with the idea of being the only living thing in existence so you can enjoy the world without the constant input of other people haunting your every step
#liminal#liminal spaces#the backrooms#tbh the thought of other people in the backrooms ruins it for me#the whole POINT is that you are alone and everything you do or that happens to you is witnessed only by beings with no true sentience#dreamcore#the DESIRE in me#its the escapism your honor its the feeling of complete and utter isolation that would cow the most strong-willed of men given long enough#its the feeling of being the one and only observer of things lost to time#no more eyeballs on you#bc tbh i am NOT nostalgic for my childhood that shit SUCKED#i am settled solidly in hiraeth your honor
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It's so weird and messed up to me how society puts marriage on this pedestal as something we must aspire for as part of growing up, and how it's literally treated as something folks in committed long term relationships have to do in order to be "truly committed" or "truly serious" or "truly longterm".
Like why does a relationship have to have a legal contract involved that is sanctioned by and dissolvable only by the law to be considered valid and true?? Why do folks have to enter a legal commitment contract to be considered "actually truly for-reals serious" long term partners? Goverment's really gotta be in our business in order for us to be seen as fully adults or for partnerships to be seen as fully valid? Hell no!! You kidding me?? Society so weird for that fr 😭
No hate to anyone ofc, but the way marriage is largely considered an expectation for people and for partnered relationships is so weird and damaging.
#random vent#the amount of crap I gave myself for so long for being hesitant about the idea of getting married and how the idea of it gave me anxiety...#but I felt I NEEDED to do it eventually in order to be “truly never alone in adulthood” or “truly committed/in partnership with someone”#it took me years into adulthood to realize I can actually choose not to abide by societal expectations like this#and how a person's or a partnering relationship's value shouldn't be dependent on any ritual or contract or whatever#you can do whatever you want forever and nobody and no societal norm gets to determine the value of any part of you or your life#aro#aromantic#ace#asexual#aroace#romance ambivalent#marriage-averse#amatonormativity SUCKS😭
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late night chat
#meeple.png#inanimate insanity#inanimate insanity invitational#ii oj#ii mephone4#ii mephoj#not inherently shippy but it is based on the weird gay little version of iii in my head#anyway i think they should've had some kind of summer romance in iii that changes their view on their lives forever#and leaves them haunted by eachother in a way that neither will want to address but it sticks with them#oj is Stuck in his shitty hotel job and kind of caged himself into that the more he insists its Just the way it is and hes fine with it#while mephone has simply gotten used to running away and hiding as much as he can#neither are good coping mechanisms but the kind of experience and perspective they have could be exactly what they need to hear#oj needs to Fucking Quit while mephone needs to let himself find community and let others know him#so he doesn't feel like he Has to run or he Has to do it alone#oj has connections albeit some messier than others#and hes a bit of a bitch but definitely more liked than mephone#and mephone has the If It Sucks Hit The Bricks mentality and the bluntness to get that through to oj#oj also has the perspective of being a s1 vet which means he has a very different view on mephone than others might#and that could do some good in getting through to mephone how his host behavior can negatively affect the contestants involved#mephone views oj as more equal to him as theyre business partners. hes very friendly to him (even if one sided.) he might just listen#sorry if this rant is redundant btw im not reading back any of this HAHA
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my designs of teen chara and frisk !!
#undertale#chara#frisk#frisk undertale#chara undertale#charisk#fanart#my art#headcanon time i think when chara got their own body they would be very clingy to each other…#i mean cus#after being together in the same body for years#it would take a lot of time getting used to being alone again#i actually wanted to make a comic about that but it sucked so i didnt
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