#Bc mentally I fucking Drowned
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Honestly growing up is realizing that normal people don’t have to set timers to remember they’re cooking ramen… which notoriously only takes 3 minutes to cook… and maybe I do have adhd
#Trying to explain to my sister in law that I sometimes accidentally set a microwave time to 1 minute when I mean for it to be 20 seconds#and I go ‘oh it’s fine I will just stop it at 20 seconds’#but then in those 20 seconds /I then forget I’m cooking something/#bc my attention is drawn away#and next thing I know I’ve got a cookie that’s literally on fire in the center#and the way this is such a common thing for me#(not necessary w a cookie lol. But the cookie one has happened enough that I’ve legit set off multiple fire alarms w it)#Or yeah the fact that I p much /have/ to set a timer for pasta bc I will 100% forget I’m making pasta if I don’t#Or the literal HELLSCAPE that is laundry bc there’s so fucking many steps to it and it’s soooooo easy to forget it in the washing machine#I was just proofreading these Fucking tags and I forgot the word ‘forget’ in the one abt pasta#I laid out all my evidence that I’ve secretly squirreled away for 10 years to my sister in law#and she just went O.O yeah I don’t think you’re hallucinating it; this isn’t normal#and it was v validating#I just don’t want to seem like I’m saying it for clout or what the fuck ever but I’ve struggled with this my whole life#but on the other hand it’s no longer as big of a deal now that I’m not in school… school was bad.. I don’t know how I did so well#Bc mentally I fucking Drowned#idk if I really want or need to try and get a diagnosis or anything#Esp bc I’m sure that’s not even almost the worst thing wrong with me and I don’t want to open that can of worms#regardless man I wish I weren’t me <3 I fucking /suck/#lea speaks#vent
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earlier i had a disgusting panic attack. but so so so disgusting; loudly crying and choking and gasping for air. i really need to be put down
#and i was alone bc my mom and siblings went out with my sister's boyfriend#and i actually started panicking when he was in the living room#my head hurts so bad now#i got in the shower while crying like that and i was drowning in there lmao idk why i did that 🫨#and my hair shed like never before and i'm not sure if i was the one pulling it out pr what but it was a handful#i wouldn't be surprised if i find a bald spot now 😐#i'm really living my worst life#and my toxic trait is that i think therapy is a scam so i'm raw-dogging my mental illnesses as god intended 😐#also i showered with cold water because for some fucking reason i was convinced that the water heater was gonna explode#i get irrational IRRATIONAL with this shit
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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the monthly apathy is back, rlly sorry if i said smthing to u and then u say smthing back and i don't respond for like a thousand years only to spam u after it passes and then u respond bcs ure awesome and i go on an unspoken vow of silence for yet another thousand years and the cycle just continues
#hard to will myself to just brush my teeth#it's so fucking annoying having these highs and lows and never a middleground bcs it's like#which one is actually me??#i feel like none of them are really#when im feeling high energy i act extra confident and funny showman#but as soon as i stop i just feel huge regret and embarrassment over it#but im also so lifeless and feel like i can only say a lot if it's abt smthing negative bcs i can feel more deeply when im low#but it's only abt dark intense stuff#and when im in my highs i just dont have the attention span to care abt deep anything#it's like im either soaring in the sky or drowning in the sea#im never just On Land#like i cant just enjoy Earth#it's so fucking aggravating#' i would love to have high energy highs tho bcs i would be able to get sooo much done'#yea. it seems like a lot. until u realize it's literally just flighty-ass attempts at catching up on being a half human#trying to do all the stupid shit u somehow found aggravating difficult to even think abt doing during 1 of ur lows#like . why am i having to try and make a mental note to myself on... responding to. compliments.#when im in a higher energy mood#like. why cant i just#ARGGHEHHHHHHHRHRHHRHRRRR#anyways yea srry abt all the asks piling up and then me asking for more anyways and all the texts on read
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my niece stayed with us last night. it was pretty fun this time, probably because I was feeling better (if I'm already in pain or exhausted, I can't handle it). after we dropped her off, we talked to my mother for a little bit, and then drove to my in-laws. we were there for a few hours and because the guys were busy outside, i ended up talking to my mother-in-law for most of that time. it was... kind of good? I don't know. she actually showed some real emotions, just a little bit, but hey that's more than ever before! I even gave her a weird little shoulder squeeze/side hug, it was so weird.
anyway, I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home because I was so tired, and actually did fall asleep immediately on the couch.
#it's pretty annoying because my mother-in-law of course asked me how applying for jobs is going. I haven't applied for a single one yet#bc dude I can barely get through the day. I sleep for 12-16 hours a day. and I'm almost always in some kind of pain. and I'm not doing so#good mentally either. come on! I interacted with a handful of people in one day and had to sleep for like 6 hours.#anyway so I said it's a bit difficult because I'm constantly tired - it felt like the only thing she might kind of understand?#annnd she said its probably a vitamin D deficiency and I should get that tested (I won't because I'd have to pay for that and also I think I#read that taking vitamin D supplements doesn't actually help? I can't remember now and I don't want to look it up bc I know it definitely is#not the only or even main reason I am always tired.#I took vitamin D tablets for several months last year (?) bc my previous GP recommended it and. it did absolutely nothing at all#plus. like. I can't sleep. I sleep like shit. always. so. idk? that definitely doesn't help#and I sleep more when I'm in pain and all that too. so.#and she knows I have a bunch of health issues but. nope it's vitamin D because that's one thing and it's simple and here take a pill you're#fine now! wait why aren't you fine now? oh I guess you're just lazy 🙄#< that's 100% how that would go#ugh. Just let me sleep for 5-10 years. maybe that'd fix me....#like. I'm trying to get myself back (?) to being an actual human person again. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm trying to#live and not feel like I'm drowning every fucking day#finding a job is only gonna add more stress and exhaustion and everything. if I want to try to help myself this is the time to do it#okay rant over I'm going to sleep now#personal
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it’s finally getting cold enough that i can bring my cardigan collection back into rotation without feeling like i’m gonna melt into a puddle the second i step outside!!!
#Seven.txt#my face#i have rematerialized back out of the void to once again make my once-in-a-blue-moon selfie & life update post#i’m running on 4 hours of restless sleep and the single banana i ate for lunch earlier today. let’s do this#hrrrrg i hate the lighting in my bathroom but i refuse to take pictures in the absolute Mental Illness Disaster Zone™️ that is my bedroom#anyways. got diagnosed with Mystery Pain Syndrome at the dentist today. so now i take ✨steroids✨#the less funny explanation is that my tooth still hurts with pressure nearly a month post-root canal and That’s Not Good#so we’re trying some new medications to see if that fixes it. and if not then who knows. root canal pt.2 the sequel. or extraction. sigh#and so the Dental Saga continues. todays visit went quite well in spite of the unforeseen mystery pain delaying the tooth-shaving plans#we had some time to kill so he managed to fill some of my other tiny cavities while i was there today so that’s good#okay moving on. what else. uhh. OH they finally came out and ran the fiber to the house last week!!! now i’m just waiting on one more-#-guy to come and finish the interior install and the long awaited fast internet will finally be mine eheheheheeeee#now i can feel my hours upon hours of unedited gameplay footage breathing down my neck :)#man i’ve got so much stuff piled up right now. i’m drowning in Tasks and it’s a lil overwhelming but i’ll handle it all! eventually#uhhhhm my current writing project is coming along well! i’ve never put so much time and effort into a oneshot before in my life#its a labor of love though and i think i’m gonna be really proud of myself (and the fic) once it’s complete#even if no one reads it bc it’s so goddamn self indulgent and kinda lowkey throws canon out the window but like. fuck it!#if i want Astarion to write a song on piano and perform it for me while mentally taking me on a trip down memory lane. then so be it#fr though i’ve never written anything quite like this and i rlly want to do it justice. even if its unrealistic i still want it to be Good#in other news i received word that one of the chickens i sponsor at my local Gentle Barn has passed away so i had a lil cry abt that#i feel so bad for his little tiny chicken wife. they obviously loved each other and it’s like. so sad when one half of an old couple dies#like. she pulled him out of his depression after his 1st wife died. now who’s gonna be there to pull Her out…#anyways let’s not get all sad about that again. in happier news my cat who i presumed died/got killed has returned home uninjured!!!#after that huge stray dog chased her into the woods i thought we’d never find or see her again#but then the morning after i started grieving her she showed back up hungry as hell yet completely unharmed like the enigma that she is#so that’s one definite highlight from earlier this month. uhh what else. rapid fire summary of the past few weeks let’s go-#Jersey turned 10! Bullet turned 10! my 6 year Veganniversary happened! i’m approaching 700 days on DuoLingo!#i’ve written more than 20 thousand words! i’ve been facing some fears! fighting my OCD! taking care of myself! (kinda!)#anyways things are far from being all sunshine and roses around here but i’m trying to focus on the good stuff for the most part#for now tho i have a headache and have reached 30 tags so it’s time to go shovel some mashed potatoes into my mouth :)
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I say this often but its crazy how much of a vortex depression is.
#I dont feel like... safe or particularly fulfilled rn and i have major major mood swings at least once a week but its not like.#Bleak as fuck. I think the language of 'the world is without colour' never does it for me bc thats how id describe it when im out of it#but when im depressed my main feeling is that i am a person that was born without a soul whose main purpose in life is to kill myself#because i cant bear to do or think anything else. And like even talking about it while in that mental state feels incredibely like.#Like youre doing something disgusting because its a cry for attention or for help so you have to put it in a way that makes it clear that#you are not trying to escape your destiny by trying to convince someone you are worthy of living.#And then like. At some point you stop feeling like that and you forget about it...#until youre there again. and you forget what its like to not be in it. its crazyyyy to me its just crazy#barking#ultimately im very lucky.#Because i really dont believe you can just will yourself out of that hole i really think the enviroment is like 99% of it#and well i will prolly end up in that hole again maybe even this year. but maybe ill have something to pull me out#some ability to change the thing thats making me feel like that#and idk its so like. awful that that isnt always the case. sometimes youre just drowning in it and theres nothing#just my late night thoughts thats why i need that weed bad man
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hands and knees begging myself to be responsible tonight bc i have so much to do but i can feel in my heart irresponsible brain is going to win and im gonna end up drawing and making myself more behind and stressed but like i spent 8 hours researching and writing art history texts at my internship do i fucking want to research for my history class tonight even tho i should so i can let the professor know if my topic is viable? no i want to draw. and like even research aside i need to do dishes and laundry and pack
#which frustratingly the relevant articles are from a journal our school doesn't subscribe to and like i could just ask her to change my topi#but like if i wait until after thanksgiving that is pushing it too close UGH#i hate school#i hate how busy i am right now ugh i was on the phone with my dad and he was like you sound really unhappy and i was like well thing is i#am and like i just have to slog through the rest of this semester but it is a hard slog#call my schedule oatmeal the way its fucking GRUELING#they werent lying that 25hrs a week internship but 1hr walking there and back 5 days a week (so 30 hours time) is a fucking LOT on top of#classes and teaching like im physically sore im tired and burnt out im behind on grading#i love the work im doing at the internship and i love teaching it is just challenging to balance both#and like i knew grad school would be hard and I knew this semester would be hard and i can get through it and i will get through it#i dont even like complaining about it bc like i signed up for this knowingly and i knew what i was committing to and the internship is so s#so helpful for me career wise and i really enjoy it and like my classes are also important career wise#im just constantly treading water but im drowning a little#every like mental health problem i have is being exacerbated#i feel like i have two parts of my brain like rational logical brain that knows what i need to do to get the tasks done and then wild#impulsive fun brain that just wants to goof off and that part of my brain has the steering wheel most of the time and i have to wrestle it#away to get work done anytime im not like in an office#which like yes that is a metaphorical way to describe executive dysfunction but i have not had time to try to get any diagnoses even tho#we've been suspicious for 6 years now
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tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(
#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever#and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!!#i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved#and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad#like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause#unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided#to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also#but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee#i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested#man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading#and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier#and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!!#i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago#and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man#u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever#insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc#ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone#gn#.vent
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lately it feels like i never should have left the hole.
#i am drowning lmao#i work full time and am in grad school full time so i am already burning the candle at both ends#and also i am chronically mentally and physically ill#and i make just a bit too much to qualify for medicaid but not nearly enough to afford decent health insurance#so i am without the care i need to take care of my pain#and i am just#like#what is the fucking point of staying sober and in recovery#like i know theoretically once i finish school in a year and get provisionally licensed to practice i will make more and have more time#to just be a person#but a year is a long fucking time and right now i am just in pain and angry and in need an d there is no help to be found#hahahahahahaha#tbh in some ways i wish i never got even a little bit better#that’s heartbreaking bc i love my spouse and my friends and a lot about the life i’ve built but#i can’t even Be In It because i’m so stretched thin#i miss playing guitar and writing and being in community#and reading and playing video games#and rest. i miss rest most of all#feels like it will never get better hahahhahhaa
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me: maybe I'm faking being mentally ill :/
spotify wrapped:
"28% of your listening time was spent listening to one (1) band"
#I mean I knew but it's funny seeing the raw data thrown in my face#diagnosed mentally ill at spotify wrapped#my top 5 songs all came from dark matter#which I figured would happen but it's weird bc I know I also listened to more Springsteen and Petty and Neil Young this year#but I think I just had the album on repeat That Much to drown out literally everything else#I'm not ashamed or anything and don't get why people get ashamed or cringe#it's what I felt like listening too. and I'm not gonna force myself to listen to stuff I'm not in the mood for#just so I can make my spotify wrapped look 'more cool' to strangers on the internet#bc that's not what music is about for me#music is my lighthouse not another means to get meaningless internet clout and cool points or whatever#and PJ's music has been a particularly bright light for me#I don't really give a fuck if admitting that makes me cringe
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.
#i keep being smacked in yhe face w trigger after trigger n its so funny bv it slike WIAY HOLD ON . LET ME JSUT#fuck !!!!!!!!!!#cant do this . dawg please just . can i go One Day at this point (bc uts been the last 3 days ive been triggered by smth so fucking dumb#n snall its . ridiculous bc its like . girl nothing is that deep i promise you.#anywau i am Struggling mentally w rverything n i dont even Care aby half tje shit going on#exveot i do bc i am just . i have to bc all of this is happening for a reason#unfortunately being so spriitually intuned means i Know whrn its Exam Season (essentially)#n im smack bang middle of it n DROWNING. but its CHILL and FINE bc like#anyway centre of a hurricane n thetes so mych dust n shit flyibg aroubd idk whats real n whats to b tjrown ou anymore#so SICK .#i also cva to dhower before i go to my dealers . so im jus putting s bra on and changing my shirt bc . bith#my skirt n jeans are in the W A S H#can i jus say . ive absolutely had to deal w tjese episodes Sober . n i do prefer being high ubder them#less . Stuck in the centre i can still feel it without suffocating in it .#fucking whack .#anyway therapys gonna be fun.
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english 101. the self esteem killer
#I HATEEE THIS CLASS sorry. im so tired of writing WHY did i choose the 8wk course#i was so determined to do well in this class and then i turned in my first essay and my outlook did a complete 180#i got full points on that essay. why do i still feel like shit about it.#literally my mental health has declined so fucking much after that essay and i DONT KNOW WHY since i did good on it#ive been turning in less and less assignments these past few weeks as a result bc i cant get myself to do anything#i think i turned in like. one thing last week. out of seven assignments#and theres no late grades in this class so i cant make up those points#i have my third essay draft due tonight and i havent even started it#i just cant get myself to do anything bc for some reason i think it wont be good neough. even tho it was the first time. what the hell#anyway i hate humanities classes i wish i was drowning in equations and chemical formulas rn and im actually rotting away as i write this#two more weeks. i just need to write two more essays.#vent post#college stuff#slug rambles
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how to recover when 1) i see my friends face for the first time today and she’s so devastatingly beautiful i felt like i needed to rip my heart out my chest and bury it in the ground so that it would stop beating so fucking hard 2) she gives me the most thoughtful gift of my LIFE???
#SHE DREW ME#SHE DREW ME AND MY CAT AUGAJKAH#I KNOW SHE SPENT HOURS AND HOURS???#MFER SHE WROTE ON IT SAYING THANK YOU FOR BEING MY REASON TO DRAW I THINK I MIGHT DIE#she incorporated STITICHING SHE SEWED MY NAME ?????#STROKING OVER WHERE SHE WEOTE AND SEWED BC I KNKW HER HANDS ONCE TOCUHED THEM TOO#AHAGAH IM GOING MENTAL IVE ALREADY CRIED TWICE#SHE WROTE HER THOUGHTS ON THE BACK WHEN I FIRST SAW I NEALRY HAD A HEART ATTACK IN FRONT OF THE SLUSHIE PLACE#OH MY GOD#fuck fuck fuck fuck#this is so sacred to me i’m going to select a frame soon#i feel so#alive i feel like a human i feel so SEEN#am i really so important to someone so that they would look at my face and trace my lines and decider that i am worth immortalising in a dra#wing???? is this what it means to love???? is this what it means to be human???#feel like i’m drowning but in a good way
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#I don't like to consider myself an anxious person because I haven't had like generalized anxiety much in my life or maybe I have n I don't#remeber. forever had social anxiety#but this year I'm so incredibly anxious just doing nothing or anything#about nothing but also about things that trigger my PTSD and OCD#I feel so much more sensitive to becoming that way idk if it's because of my antidepressants or because of how many hours and hours of this#specific abusive relationship media I've watched lmao#I really enjoy it when watching it it's amazingly done and I can't stop thinking about it I'm totally in love with the characters n their#relationships n the story etc but later after it's settled in my brain I'm too anxious to watch it anymore#stupid brain#personal shit#audio#but anyway I was doing just fine ptsd wise and obsessive part of ocd wise but I started thinking about some shit n talked about it in#therapy n thats of course a good thing I don't want to hust bury it but damn bro getting through it sure isn't easy#also stupid brain bc when I'm ''not suffering enough'' I feel like damn I should be suffering more my mental illness is not bad enough#but then when it's worse again its like fuck no lets go back to the not suffering as much#y'know how it is#spotify play killpop by slipknot at a high volume to drown out having shitty feelings but also the song makes me anxious as well because#it's literally about a shitty relationship and reminds me So much about my favorite characters in this media and their relationship#we were meant to be together now die and fucking love me#p***/e***** brainrot FOREVER
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help
#I failed 2 consecutive college sems. I got the credits but my gpa was too low both times#I'm still on my first financial aid grant and idk if I have to pay it back now that I'm on suspension#I dont even have the money to pay back what was left after financial aid.#My family has made it very clear that I have no support from them if this happened and it did.#I'm a goddam teenager. I work a minimum wage job part time. I cant.#Everythime someone failing college came up they would say how stupid they were and what a waste of space and that I better not be like them#After I left HS my dad didn expect me to go to college and explained I would have to buy my own insurance and whatnot#Anytime I tried to bring it up with my mom she would coldly tell me I better not fail or else.#I did everything. I went to the classes. I took the notes. I did the tests. No drugs. No partying. I still. Fucking. Failed.#I was stressed all the time. My sister pointed it out and all my mom said was that I had no reason to be stressed out it was stupid#I obviously cant expect support from those people much less tell them I failed twice.#I didn't expect to even get this far. I might have mental illness. Since it takes a million years just to get an appointment that *might*#*or just maybe* get me a referral to an evaluation I'll never know.#Anything I get from my family is completely conditional. My dad treats me like a stray dog.#I've considered suicide to not drown my family in debt since the grant dies with the user but they laugh at suididers#If I Kms-ed I would get ridicule beyond the grave and no prayers. Its sick and twisted. It almost amuses them to th think about.#If I tried and failed that it would be even worse.#I'm only holding it out bc these assholes come from super religious families and would probably condemn my soul upon hearing the news#Like...the last girl in out family to not follow their views was totally outcast and still shunned and shamed today#I can only hope that some horrible accidenttakes me out of the picture or that my brain damage is so bad that I'm forgiven from it#Even if the only damage is that I have to skip a semester my family wont take it well and my ass is still on the line#I cant fucking tell anyone (irl) anything. I cant trust any of them. I cant rely on any of them. I hate it.#I am beyond trapped. Theres no way out of any of this.
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