#Based on: Dracula

[ineachretelling]

Dracula Weekly finally returns (ironically after a Monster Month length hiatus, oops), and all is not right in both the novel AND among our intrepid heroines, as someone has replaced a member of our group, and another someone intends to steal that someone's copy of Dracula Daily! Which is at least more cheerful than Mina losing her will to live, and a rather dull road trip to Dracula's Castle. This podcast contains swearing and discussions of violence and suicidal ideation.

[ineachretelling]

#they SERVED! and they SLAYED (via divineandmajesticinone)

VAN HELSING (2004) dir. Stephen Sommers Dracula's three brides: Aleera, Verona and Marishka

[skunkes]

gay dracula

[popsicle-stick]

society if vampire lucy survived as the mirror to dracula with her 3 weed smoking vampiric boyfriends

✨commissions open ✨

[almondcroissantsandink]

I saw around us a ring of wolves, with white teeth and lolling red tongues, with long, sinewy limbs and shaggy hair. They were a hundred times more terrible in the grim silence which held them than ever when they howled. For myself, I felt a sort of paralysis of fear. It is only when a man feels himself face to face with such horrors that he can understand their true import.

[ineachretelling]

cunt dykeula. is this anything.

[theatomickatz]

you are the dark, i'm the vampire

[dathen]

TAZ vs Dracula book-accuracy ratings from Episode 1:

Dracula: Plaguing locals, running over old church ladies with his car because he wants to see how fast it goes. Captures the pointless mean-spirited violence with humorous anachronisms. 8/10.

Frankenstein: Made a business out of resurrecting people, has an Igor, SHACKING UP WITH DRACULA?? Opposite in every way (except for being gay I guess), 0/10

Griffin Invisibleman: Shows up just to beat a player character’s brother to death, keeps getting stabbed, yells FUCK and runs into the forest only to run back all “I changed my mind!!” to resume beating him up. Highest level of accuracy, only thing missing is the sneezes, 100/10

[beevean]

[ineachretelling]

#van helsing is funniest #divorced across multiple lifetimes (via absentlyabbie)

[ineachretelling]

We wrap up Monster Month 2: The Dead are Rising with our Halloween Monster Mash episode (shhhh it's still technically Spooky Weekend, let us have this), and what else COULD we pick for that in strike free times but 2004's Van Helsing, which much like The Mummy (2017) is a much maligned attempt to reboot the Universal Monsters... but is it good actually?...probably not. But is it fun? Hell yes. Join Jas, River, Callie, Ellie, and Justin as we discuss the joys of monsterfuckery, the issues with a lack of character development, and what a ridiculous roller coaster ride this movie is. This podcast contains swearing and discussions of violence and sexual assault.

[nebulousboops]

rip jack seward, you would've loved speech to text

[staticymaticyyourlifeisatravesty]

*Sometime after 1475 in hell*

Satan: Yo, Luci, has Vlad Tepes showed up yet? He died like three months ago, and he's not heaven

Lucifer: What? No. He hasn't showed up at all, the fuck do you mean he isn't in heaven?

Satan: Yea, some angel was asking if we had him, because we didn't. There's also like an ungodly amount of souls missing aside from that one. I think there's like over four thousand souls that are also missing as well...

Lucifer: ....There's four thousand souls missing?

Satan: Yes.

Lucifer: Well, I guess we should see what's going down on the Mortal planes than....

_____

*Dracula doing as Dracula does and devouring his own people*

Lucifer: Ok, who the fuck allowed that to happen? Who the fuck green lit that? Who let Vlad Tepes turn into a goddamn Eldritch abomination??

Satan: I think the humans are calling it a vampire

Lucifer: A vampire? That's what that is? I'm sorry, that still doesn't answer my question of who in the seven layers of hell green lit that thing!!

Satan: We didn't. The blood choose for it happen.

Lucifer: The fuck do you mean the blood chose for it

Satan: Too many people died in one place, and Vlad was too angry to die.

Lucifer: .....God allowed this to happen didn't he? He fucking let this happen, didn't He, the fucking bastard

[ineachretelling]

#glad mikkelsen dracula is a thought outside of Are You Afraid Of The Dark Universe (via goodlord-gimmickgotbored)

WHO'S TELLING THEM?

“Welcome to my house! Enter freely and of your own will!… Come freely. Go safely; and leave something of the happiness you bring!”

[ dracula daily fancast ] ➼ based on the concept by Dracula Weekly

tom payne as jonathan harker | arsema thomas as mina murray | charithra chandran as lucy westenra

alfred enoch as arthur holmwood | jacob anderson as jack seward | tyler posey as quincey morris

alexander siddig as abraham van helsing | mads mikkelsen as count dracula

[lesbijkas]

year 3, give it up for year three

[heavendraven]

some simon keyes stuff from back when we first found out his name was simeon saint