#BUT YEAH other than that I'm very happy with these!!
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I see you're looking for prompts, so if you're still writing then how about:
Tommy comes over and accidentally interrupts Uncle Buck time.
Sorry it took so long! I hope you like it!
---
"Ok Jee, these need to cool off while the other batch is in the oven." Buck told his niece, putting their freshly baked cookies onto a wire cooling rack. He grabbed her hand and moved it away when she tried to grab one. "No, no, these are hot. You'll burn yourself. It'll hurt. Ouchie."
The girl tucked her hands against her chest and warily eyed the rack.
"They'll be cool enough to eat in a little while." he promised her. "And we can make the chocolate chip ones while we wait for the snickerdoodles to cool off."
"With extra chips!" Jee announced happily.
"Sure. Why not. We can even make some more so you can take them home with you when mommy and daddy come pick you up." Buck suggested. "And maybe some banana bread too..." he mumbled more to himself than to Jee.
He flicked through the cookbook he'd bought so he wouldn't have to look up recipes on his phone (and he'd be less tempted to check his text thread with Tommy) to find the right page, while Jee pointed out all of the other things she wanted to make.
"And this!" Jee pointed at a picture of a cake that looked like something out of a professional bakery and way above his skill level.
It was perfect. A complicated recipe meant his brain had no time go over that last conversation with Tommy again to try and figure out how and where he'd screwed up so spectacularly.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Buck glanced at the clock on the oven, but it wasn't anywhere near the time he expected Maddie and Chim to be back.
He quickly wiped his hands on his apron, deposited Jee on the sofa with the cookbook and rushed to open the door.
He expected to maybe find one of his neighbours on the other side, or someone trying to convince him to donate to some charity.
"Tommy?"
The other man looked about as well as he felt. Dark circles under his eyes, hair a mess, and the same three day stubble that was currently on his own face.
"Hey... Uhm... I did text... And call... But you didn't reply."
"Oh uh... Yeah my uh phone is on silent..."
Tommy nodded, fiddling with the zipper on his jacket.
"C-can we talk?" Tommy stammered and Buck realised he was nervous. Cool and collected Tommy Kinard was nervous about talking to him.
Before Buck got the chance to answer, a loud beeping came from the kitchen and Jee excitedly ran up to the island.
"Uncle Buck! It's done!"
"Oh... Is this a bad time?"
"Uhm..." Buck desperately wanted to talk to Tommy, but at the same time he had to keep an eye on Jee and their baking adventures. "Just... Come on in. Close the door behind you." he rushed over to the kitchen to shut off the timer and check the cookies.
"I can just go... If I'm interrupting your time with your family..."
"No, it's fine. Stay. Please. We're baking. You can help." Buck said, almost pleading. "And when the sugar rush wears off and she's down for the count, we can talk."
"Ok." Tommy nodded and took off his jacket, hanging it on the hook by the door that had practically been his the past six months. Only this time there was no Air Ops uniform jacket next to it or a duffle on the floor.
"Jee, this is my friend Tommy, he's coming to help us." Buck announced as he took another batch of cookies out of the oven.
"Is that ok?" Tommy asked Jee, looking like he was afraid of her answer.
"We're making chocolate chip cookies." the girl told him like she was explaining the mysteries of the world. "With extra chips."
"Oh. Ok. Can I help with that?"
"Tommy is very good at baking." Buck told Jee. "Maybe he'll help us make that cake we found too."
"Sure. Just tell me what to do." Tommy said and Buck saw the exact moment the mask went on again. There was a smile on his face that didn't reach his eyes and a fake cheery tone in his voice. "I'm happy to help where I can."
The three of them went to work and soon almost every available surface of the loft was covered in cooling cookies or ones ready to go into the oven.
Tommy had started to relax a little but there was still a tension to his shoulders Buck didn't like.
When he took the last batch of cookies out of the oven some time later, Jee was already out cold in the armchair and Tommy was sitting at the island with an almost perfect posture, like he was back in the army.
In the exact same place he'd sat when he'd broken both their hearts.
"So... That's the last of it." Buck wiped his hands on his apron before taking it off. "Maddie and Chim won't be back until 10... so we've got two hours."
Tommy nodded.
"Don't you want to clean up first? I can help." he offered but Buck shook his head and sat down too.
Somewhere in the back of his mind the irony of them being in the exact same place as when Tommy ended things between them did register, but he quickly pushed that thought away.
"No. Clean up can wait. I want answers." he looked Tommy in the eye. "I want to know why my boyfriend dumped me instead of telling me I was moving too fast and I freaked him out."
"I... I... I'm sorry." Tommy said eventually. "I did what I thought was best."
"For who? For me? For you? Because I haven't been doing so great these past few weeks."
"Neither have I..." Tommy admitted quietly.
"Then why did you do it? Why did you dump me?"
"I just... I'm not the last person kind of guy. People don't stay with me. I'm ok for a while... Until they get a better offer. I'm never anyone's mister right, only mister right now."
Buck frowned.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"That you're going to find someone you're going to want to settle down with and that someone is not me. And that... that hurts... but it's better to rip the band aid off now than 6 months or a year or maybe even longer if I'm lucky down the line. "
"What makes you so sure I'm going to meet someone else?"
Tommy gave him a sad smile.
"Because that's the way it always goes. It's fun for a while and then you meet the person you're meant to be with."
"What makes you think I haven't already met him?"
"Evan..."
"Don't Evan me." he took a deep breath and tried to gather his thoughts. He wanted to get this right. Make Tommy see he was serious. "I miss you." he started "You said you couldn't be my first and my last but I think you can. I want you to be. Ever since that first time you kissed me, I've felt more free and alive and... complete... than I ever have."
"Evan..." Tommy started again but Buck held up a hand to stop him.
"Just... let me get this out." he paused for a second "I'm a grown man, Tommy. I'm not some teenager with a crush who doesn't know what he wants. I've slept around plenty over the years... But I stopped doing that because it didn't make me happy. I wanted someone to come home to. Someone I could introduce to my friends and family. Someone who would listen to me talk about my day and tell me about theirs. Someone I could just be myself with. Who wouldn't get annoyed about my internet deep dives or if I had to cancel date night because I was too tired after a shift. "
"And you deserve that... And... And I hope you find that person."
"I already have." he grabbed Tommy's hands. "It's you. You know most of my friends and family, you've even already met my parents." he grinned, thinking back to Maddie and Chim's wedding day in the hospital. "You know the job, you even used to work at the same firehouse."
"That doesn't mean I'm good for you. Or good enough."
"Can I be the one to decide that?"
"I... I... what? I... of course... but..."
"Everyone keeps making decisions for me. Including you."
"I'm sorry..."
"No." Buck shook his head "I should stand up for myself more. Go after what I want."
"And what is it you want?" Tommy asked, trying not to get his hopes up.
"You." Buck said simply and leaned forward to kiss him, happy when Tommy didn't pull away or try to stop him. "I want you. All of you."
"I want that too but..."
"No buts. Whatever problem you think there is... we can work it out. I think what we have is worth fighting for, don't you?"
"I... Yes... Yeah it is..."
"But?"
"I'm kind of terrified." Tommy admitted. "I've never felt this way about anyone before. I've never been in a relationship where I fell so hard so fast... And that scared the hell out of me."
"That's ok. I can be brave for the both of us for now." Buck told him and kissed him again, just because he could. "But promise me one thing."
"Anything."
"Next time I move too fast or say something dumb that makes you freak out... talk to me instead of running away?"
Tommy took a deep breath and looked him in the eye.
"Ok. I promise."
---
Send me a prompt and I'll write you a ficlet!
(if you've sent me one recently - I have seen it and it's most likely saved in my drafts, partially written, because I keep getting distracted - but I will finish it sooner or later!)
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I've been thinking in a Cumplane friendship idea.--
You see, everyone seems to believe SQQ and SQH can't stand each other. Quite the opposite, really. When it's only the two of them they don't feel the need to keep up the pretence. It's so easy to relax, to put the mask aside.
They aren't peak lords nor cultivators. They're just two dudes in their mid tweenties trying to survive in this forsaken world.
SY knows he might not be the kindest nor the most loving of friends, (he spent so many years alone in a cold, hospital room, he's not good at socializing) but he does care for Airplane. A lot. He will never say it out loud because it's embarrasing but that stupid author is his best friend.
So, that's why when the news of Qinghua's disappearance finally reach him (two weeks, it took two full weeks before someone decided to tell him--- )they absolutely destroys him.
He seems calm at fisrt. Not truly procesing the news. LBG makes a few comments about something Mobei told him (you fucking knew and didn't tell me, how dare you, husband?! )
Gone, SQH? No, that's dumb. He couldn't be gone. He's a peak lord, he has responsabilities, a bunch of little ones to teach. He even takes care of the north. And most importantly why would he leave Mobei? It makes no sense, not fucking sense.
SQH wouldn't leave like that. He... he wouldn't leave SY behind.
He can feel sob building up in his throat. That... stupid, idiot--HACK AUTHOR!
His crying fit is so strong and sudden that sends LBG and his whole demon staff into a panic.
"Shizun?!" He says looking for visible injuries-
"Don't touch me!" He screams and LBG looks at him with hurt.
"Husband? Have... have this disciple done something wrong?"
SQQ just turns and walks to his chambers ordering LBG not to follow him. His husband is left feeling distressed and cries for very different reasons.
Later that night they talk. SQQ feeling tired and sad finally calls for his husband to comfort him. He explains to him why he is angry at him and LBG apologizes.
"This one thought you hated Shang-shibo and that Shizun wouldn't care about his dissapereance." He says in a small, careful voice. "Mobei jun came to the palace days ago to beg for help in his search... "
"You turned him away... " SY says, sounding very tired.
"Yes. But this husband will make it right, Shizun. I will find your friend for you, promise."
SY sighs and hugs his husband, hiding his face in his chest.
..
Idk 'm all over the place but the idea is that the system is glitching and took SQH and is kind of keeping him hostage? Like, in between worlds. Not the mordern universe, not PIDW.
I imagine LBG having a very hard time accepting his shizun worries and loves others and not just him (??? why??? I'm more than enough you need NO ONE else shizun). He's too possesive and would like very much just to lock his shizun away, but that would break him and he never wants to see him cry like that ever again. Even if that means he has to share his attention.
MBJ is very broken in this one fiding himself lost without SQH. they had just finally stablished their relationship so he's between angry and scared. Also his trust and loyalty to LBG has taken a blown since he refused to help him find his lover. Didn't he help LBG when everyone turned his back on him as he clinged to his dead shizun's body?
While they work together (before they can even figure out where sqh is) LBG slowly realizes he might have fucked up a bit and ??? misses Mobei ??? are they friends???!!
SY tries his fucking best to keep it together. Really, he loves Binghe but that man can be so dense.
They find where SQH is being kept. The place is like a limbo. Cold, and vast where no time passes. In order to get him back LBG, MBJ and SQQ work together to reforge Xin Mo and travel there. There's a cool fighting montage, tears, hugs and everyone is happy at the end
Yeah that's all i got so far. I'll be going back to work now--
#mobei jun#shang qinghua#svsss#svsss mobei jun#svsss shang qinghua#svsss luo binghe#mxtx svsss#shen yuan#svsss shen qingqiu#svsss shen yuan#bingqiu#moshang#missing qinghua au#king writes#cumplane friendship
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My hellish trip
Aside from the quite imperfect start that it had, I also tried to do as many hell-related things as possible during this trip to Japan, in honour of the tour being called: "Who is this hell for?"
Of course, I couldn't go to Sapporo and not visit Jigokudani (hell valley) in Noboribetsu. They compare the landscape to something out of this world, like from Mars, and the sulfuric fumes remind us of hell's flames. That being said, having been spoiled on sulfur sources in Iceland super recently, I wasn't that impressed, except that Noboribetsu's had way more colours than Iceland's.
Then, I was able to stop in Aomori to visit Towada Art Center. Ever since I saw photos of her works online, I'd dreamt of seeing one in person. The art exhibited all around and inside the center are also more than worthwhile, but yeah, I'm in love with Memory of Water:
(Hellish because... Those are not happy memories of water hahah.)
Next, I caught in extremis an exhibition on Louise Bourgeois, famous for her Mother spider sculptures, but who, it turns out, had a lot of parallels with Kyo's mentality, I find. And she once said:
Not sure if that was exhaustive, but in such a short time, I think I stuck to the theme as much as I could. I guess, as for my personal hell, I also visited an exhibition by a woodcarver who recreates very realistic food as painted wood, which a ton of food might as well be in my case since I can't partake in it. Hopefully the other visitors felt 1% of my frustration.
#Japan#travel#hell#who is this hell for#Dir en grey#louise bourgeois#chiharu shiota#art#museum#hell valley#jigoku#jigokudani
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Thoughts on Jeff Rosenstock? (Also I'm so happy to hear he came out as enby!)
i heard about that! that’s cool
uh, bomb the music industry, the arrogant sons of bitches, & jeff’s solo work were all really important to me when i first started writing music and i feel the influence on casio dad and glass beach is completely obvious. there are a TON of other artists i like that i discovered through his netlabel quote unquote records as well, probably the most significant being the brave little abacus. i still think the absolute peak of his career was Vacation, with Worry and We Cool in second and third place. that has a lot to do with the time in my life that those records came out though, it was right when i was properly entering adulthood and those records all spoke to some very 20-something concerns.
i like his more recent records but tbh i feel that since Worry he’s basically been making the same album over and over. he’s clearly refined his craft a lot and i get why people would say Hellmode or No Dream is his best but i don’t think a jeff rosenstock record can hit like it did when i was 20 anymore and i really miss the wild experimentation of btmi, though a lot of those older records were undeniably less consistent than his more recent ones. i have always got the sense that he is doing what he wants to do though and he has consistently delivered quality songwriting with real substance that’s all very fun to listen to
i DO wanna say one thing though and i’m not trying to start controversy but i am bummed that he has continued to work with the very same merch company that i cut ties with last year for union busting, and am further disappointed that he has defended his relationship with them! he’s always spoken to this very working class perspective which is a large part of why i like him so it’s strange to see this disregard for the working people helping him earn his living. i’ve visited their factory, those people work their asses off, and i was proud to be involved with them back when they were unionized. please please please don’t start shit with him on my behalf though, i only point this out because i have immense respect for him & hope he’ll realize soon enough why this matters. no need for attacks. he’s not a bad guy at all.
anyway. very very important artist to me. could probably go off for a while about any particular one of his albums but that’s the general gist. oh yeah also I Look Like Shit is underrated, it’s a mixed bag as a whole but Twinkle and his cover of I Don’t Wanna Die are among his best songs. Twinkle is probably the one that most influenced glass beach too
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Lets start this day with some big news! Our little Flora is officially too big for her crib which means she's grown some! They do grow fast, don't they? It's almost hard to keep up!
Just look at her! My little princesa! She's wiggling and cooing and happy as can be and what else is there to say? I'm soaking in the moment with her and have little else to say. I just feel so lucky and fortunate and I know I keep saying this but all my love is for her right now!
I would have played with her a little more but I think all that growing wore her out, as it tends to do, so I would let her have her nap and whip up a pizza! Pizzas are easy to make thankfully and this one will just be a regular classic pepperoni as you can't go wrong with that. I think I do make a pretty good pizza pie! That's amore!
I think the scent of pizza brings Pascal to the kitchen but when he arrives he's looking a little sad. I admit, the frown on his face makes me forget for a moment that he's been oogling models in his spare time and I can't wait to offer my emotional support.
"What's wrong?" I ask, putting aside his wandering eyes for just a moment. I bet it has something to do with futbol, usually if he's sad that is why, but I can't ignore one significant difference about him. "You umm, forget to shave?"
"That's just it, my razor broke and I might have to go out like this," he looks so disheartened even as he rubs the new beard that now adorns his face.
"You look great! In fact, I'd say keep it!"
"Well, if you say so."
I can't help but chuckle at how dramatic he's being. "You look fine either way! Actually, I think it suits you! You're a daddy now and it matures you some."
"I guess it's not so bad..." he mumbles although the frown on his face doesn't budge. I remind him that there is fresh pizza in the kitchen so if that doesn't make him feel a little better than I don't know what will.
I've decided not to bring up the model oogling just yet. Eventually, yes, but right now I just don't feel it is the right time. I've thought a lot about it last night but I want to keep those thoughts to the side, not let them consume me. He's a man. I know, that's a poor excuse, but it is also the truth. It is also the truth that really I'm still very very very much into him and that right now is enough for me to set it aside and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Instead, my mind drifts to bigger things, longer term things, another baby kind of things and maybe, hopefully, a proposal. Yeah, the big M. I can't help but wonder when it will happen or...if it will happen.
I'll be honest, I probably would've spent the rest of the night overthinking about Pascal's liking history on Simstagram but the moment I see Flora's little face it grounds me completely. She's the result of our passion and love and I won't throw that away on a whim. Feeding her, holding her, playing with her reminds me of what truly matters.
Oh! She loves to hiccup! That makes her a hiccuper? It's the most adorable thing, it's a squeaky little sound and whenever she does it she almost looks confused as if she's asking 'did I do that?' and I have to remind her to have manners! A little lady doesn't go around hiccuping at others after all!
And I love her so much that I am taking her everywhere I go in my little carrier. Thankfully, she's a quiet one and she's pretty calm about being carried around. Only wriggling and cooing here and there and hopefully taking in what will hopefully be her home for many years to come.
Oh! Also, as I'm out and about, I notice that people are recognizing me? Nothing major, a few waves and hellos along with my name "Frida!" and I can't help but wonder is it from my food stand or me new growing SimTube channel? Either way, it does feel nice to be noticed! There's even a fellow food stand chef who offered me a free hotdog but I had to decline because Flora started to whine and flail, her way of wanting to go back home I think.
Oh, and Pascal did spend time with Flora after he came back from a game. I SWEAR she was giving him the side-eye. I might have ummm vented to her about the traveling eyes of men. Not that she could understand a word I've said but maybe, just maybe, she picked up on it in my tone...or it could be she's unsure of him because she really doesn't get to see him too much, he's always working, after all.
Meanwhile, in the poorer part of town, Sara and Simón were curled up together in his humble trailer. He had called her over saying that there was something important they needed to discuss but it didn't end up being much of a conversation. Instead, he simply asked for her loyalty and her love.
She wanted to, she wanted him to be the one, Watcher how she wanted to. He could be her escape, her distraction, her addiction, her everything, how she wanted every bit of that, but she knows oft times the heart doesn't get what it wants. The brain though, the brain can be a lot more realistic with its desires.
"I know what you are," she said suddenly, the realization blowing past her like a chill breeze. Her hands roamed his chest, the tips of her fingers searching for something, reassurance, maybe? The mystery of him perhaps, the missing puzzle piece that would make this thing between them work.
"I know you'd figure it out," his reply was quiet and his voice heavy. He wasn't shocked. He wouldn't deny it or talk her out of it. He couldn't run from his past like Frida because he had become his past and now as he looked at Sara he wondered if she could ever be part of his future. If she should. The danger he could put her through..."So, what do you think?"
"I don't want this to end," she decided, the words surprising even herself. Maybe, just maybe, he was worth the risk. Love is always worth the risk...
Frida Varela - Next Episode 9.5
#The Sims#The Sims 4#ts4#Sims#Sims 4#sims legacy#my sims#generation 1#soot#sims of our time#pascal alcocer#frida varela#simon barrera#sara chavez#florencia alcocer
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The other day while we were running errands Sheila noticed an Eagles Lodge. I've driven by it many times yet never saw it tucked behind a large parking lot.
We like dive bars. Bonus points when they have modest food prices and meat raffles (as this place has on Tuesdays and Saturdays). We stopped in yesterday evening and weren't disappointed. Happy hour for members covers a generous time slot: weekdays, 11 AM to 7 PM. We aren't members but the regular prices for beer were close enough to those member prices that I left with a smile on my face and money in my pocket.
Nearly everyone appeared to be a regular. However we didn't feel like outsiders. A few of the women were bar characters. Their scratchy voices (heavily peppered with four-letter words) made Marge Simpson's sisters sound as mellifluous as Celine Dion. Smoking isn't allowed in bars and restaurants, but you can still enjoy some sounds associated with it.
We won one of the raffles, netting us two large, frozen meatloaves. A woman sitting next to me had an electronic bingo tablet (one of those networked games where people from all over are playing). She won $1500 making her very happy. Oh yeah? Well I have two meatloaves, lady!
Sheila and I ordered tacos (two for $4) and beer served in frozen pint glasses. I love the small bits of ice that float on top of the suds. We hung out for a bit, talking with a bartender and the bingo winner. We didn't stay for the traditional bingo session that was going to start at 6:30 PM. I plan to go back soon and try one of the burgers.
The vending machine prices were low. I'm sure a candy bar at my local grocery store costs more than a buck.
A newspaper is available in the lobby. It's free, unlike anything else related to gambling.
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Hey what do you think about Flatline and Damian
Hiiii thank you for the ask <3
Hmmm, my feelings for Flatline is a bit complicated. But first I just wanna say I love her design. It's one of the coolest character designs I've ever seen.
I'll be honest, I hated her when I first read Robin (2021). But wait, read till the end.
My reasons were:
1) She was a very powerful character who killed Damian (my FAVOURITE character) 😭
2) When they stood side by side, other characters would start saying things like "ohh love birds" etc. I hate it when writers do that. Another example is Fullmetal Alchemist. Characters would say things to Edward like "Oh your girlfriend's coming to Central" or something, when they clearly are not dating. It's just an automatic NO for me when the narrative do that.
3) The writer nerfed Damian to show off his OC(s).
4) She was introduced to be a love interest and I don't usually like characters who are just there to be love interests.
5) She betrayed Damian and it wasn't addressed properly. Even after they started their relationship.
Then later she betrayed Damian again in B&R(2023), so...
6) They got into a relationship too quickly for my taste. I prefer ships to have a long period of friendship first.
And I was just like " My son is too young nooo😭😭😭"
I still wish Damian got to grow up more without having a love interest. Idk if it's just me but 14 is too young to make lovers in my opinion ┐(´ー`)┌
When Flatline returned in Batman and Robin (2023), I became more furious at Flatline because she betrayed Damian again and it was mostly brushed aside and how dare she!!!!
But then I stopped myself. I started thinking, what would I do if I were in her shoes? I have an elder sister who I love more than anything, I thought I would do everything to protect her, just like how Flatline did. She tried to protect her sister even if that meant doing some bad things. I didn't blame her for doing that anymore. Because I understood her.
My only criticism toward writer is that they should've made Damian and Nika talk more about their relationship. Talk about more Nika's betrayal and their feelings overall. It was just done in 2-3 panels and never addressed again.
But again, I understand her and don't blame her. I'm just bitter on behalf of Damian.
When the comic progressed and when I saw more and more Flatline, I warmed up to her more. And what made me get rid of my dislike and bias was these pages.
With these pages, we saw how Nika cared about Damian. And that's really what matters to me. Whether she cares and loves Damian or not.
When I saw how Nika hugged Damian and how she talked about him when he wasn't near, how she said Damian needed to be protected... Yeah, she really loves Damian and Damian really loves Nika. That's what I want. I don't want Damian to have a toxic relationship with only betrayel, uncertainty and doubt. I want him to love and be loved. So, I'm happy DC gave him a relationship like that.
And I think Flatline's character developed over time. She warmed up to Damian and loved him more and more. I saw someone on Twitter say "Damian fell first but Nika fell harder" and I think that really describes them very well. Nika needed time.
I hope we get to see Flatline and I hope DC explore her character and her relationship with Damian more. And I just pray that their relationship doesn't get ruined, toxic, bad or anything like that. I hope they get to be happy forever.
#flatline#nika#nika dc#dc nika#dc flatline#flatline dc#damian wayne#damian al ghul#damian al ghul wayne#gravebird#flamian#daminika#dc#dc comics#batman#robin#robin 2021#batman and robin 2023
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Levi: Alright. Those are very valid concerns and issues, Adam. Relationships need work from both parties. It's not only damaging to your relationship with each other, but also with your daughter.
Lucifer listened. She's only six months old, how much damage could he really do?
Levi: Now, Lucifer. Why sex?
Lucifer blinked, not understanding the question.
Lucifer: Uh... why sex? I mean... look at him.
Lucifer didn't know what else to say. But he knew it wasn't a good answer when Adam rolled his eyes.
Levi glanced at Adam, then back at Lucifer, her hand, and he gave hardening.
Levi: What do you mean by that?
Lucifer: ...He's the first man. He's literally perfection. Who wouldn't want a night with him?
Levi: So... let me get this straight. You value the sex you have with Adam, the first man, over the marriage you have with Adam, the father or your child?
Lucifer tensed: ...That's not what I meant.
Levi: What did you mean, then?
Lucifer: I-I mean... he's amazing. I love him, why wouldn't I want sex with him? And I don't see a difference between Adam and the first man- he's both. Their both perfect and important to me- it's the same person! Adam IS Adam!
Lucifer chuckles and leans back, he smiles at Adam but it drops when he's not even looking at him.
Levi hums and writes a quick note: Lucifer. I'm sure you of all people know what kind of weight titles have. Do you think there's a difference between the king of Hell and Lucifer?
Lucifer: ...I mean... I'm Lucifer... who's also the king of Hell. Is... is there a difference?
Levi: Do you always feel like the king of Hell?
Lucifer: No. Sometimes... I feel empty and cold. Then, when I'm doing work, I feel stressed and fake.
Levi: Fake?
Lucifer: Like it's an act. I'm not put together or even slightly functioning. I'm just... a mess most of the time. I've never felt like a king. Not for thousands of years. I feel like a fraud. A lie. I demand respect, but I don't deserve it. There's no difference between the king of Hell and Lucifer. Their both pathetic. Both a lie.
Lucifer shrugs: I gave up trying to change that. There's no point.
Levi: There is a point. Your daughter. Both of them.
Lucifer froze and glanced to Adam. He was now looking at him, he looked sad but desperate.
Lucifer: I...
Levi: It's not just you, Lucifer. It's never been just you. Charlie is over two hundred years old, but she still needs you. Does she deserve the best version of you?
Lucifer nodded, looking at Levi: Yeah, she does.
Levi: Does Avery deserve you at your best?
Lucifer: Yes. Yes she does.
Levi: Does Adam? Not, Adam, the first man. But Adam. Your husband. The father of your child.
Lucifer: looked at Adam: Yes, he does.
Levi: Then. It sounds like the king of Hell and Lucifer needs to change. For the better. And it's not just them you need to better yourself for.
Lucifer turned to Levi. He really hopes this isn't another pregnancy announcement.
Levi: You deserve it, too. Probably more than anyone.
That was even worse than a pregnancy announcement.
Lucifer: I... what? I don't... I've done... I deserve nothing. I don't even deserve Adam or Avery! Fuck- I don't deserve Charlie!
Levi: ...you deserve love, Lucifer. And compassion and devotion. Both of you do. But Lucifer. You can't change for them, if you don't change for you, first.
Lucifer glared: T-Then I might as well just throw everything away! Because I've done some horrible shit, Lizzy! Hell torments me every damn day! I deserve it! I can't change! How can I!? I deserve no happiness or love! I'm the Devil! The most hated fucking being in existence! Adam even said so!
Adam: Fuck you, Lucifer- that was years ago! Don't you think my opinion of you has changed!?
Lucifer glared at him: Obviously not, if we're here.
Levi: Lucifer. You're attacking him. And yourself. Enough.
Lucifer looked away. He was beyond annoyed and confused.
Levi: You have a lot of work, Lucifer. Not just kingly duties, but personal ones. I'm going to book you in for personal counseling.
Lucifer raised an eyebrow and eyed her: I'm doing personal counseling-.
Adam: Counseling from someone that's not your daughter, dumbass.
Levi: Adam, please. No name calling in my office. I know you're mad. But please try and keep it civil.
Adam rolled his eyes and looked away.
Lucifer: I... don't need counseling-.
Levi: That's what everyone that needs counseling says. Stay behind after this session, so I can organize it for you.
Lucifer felt that there was no way to fight this, so he nods.
When Lucifer and Adam exited Dr Levi's office, they waited for her in the lobby.
Lucifer: ...Great session, huh? I sure learned a lot! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be!
Lucifer laughed awkwardly after a few seconds of Adam not speaking. Eventually, Levi walked out and got the payment ready. Lucifer watched as Adam paid and headed for the door.
Lucifer: I'll be there in a second, dove! Don't leave without me, haha!
Lucifer organized a few personal sessions, and Levi did a few for Adam to. She handed him three cards with their individual and group session dates.
He thanked her and walked outside. He looked around, and his heart dropped when he saw Adam had left.
Separation Trial
@beef-brisket @things-arent-what-they-seem66
Adam tapped his fingers against the table in a distracted manner. He had been there at the restaurant for a while now. Waiting for his...waiting for Lucifer. He needed to talk with Lucifer, he wanted to talk to him at home about it, in private. However, when he asked about meeting him, Lucifer simply nodded his head and said they could meet at this restaurant.
He didn't even take Adam’s idea at eating at home into consideration. Although the place Adam sat currently was upscale and nice it wasn’t what he wanted to do. This wasn’t where he wanted to have…the conversation. He sighed to himself as he saw Lucifer approach. He barely even said hello before Lucifer kissed him on the cheek before seating himself.
Lucifer: Hello my dearest, what’s going on? Why’d you want to talk at a restaurant? You know we could have talked over the phone. You made it sound so urgent.
Adam took a moment to keep his anger in check. Once again Lucifer wasn’t listening.
Adam: What I wanted to talk to you about couldn’t be said over the phone. It had to be in person. Lucifer we have been married for three whole years now.
Lucifer: Yeah I know, last week was our anniversary. Don’t you remember Addie?
Adam felt his breath hitch and he struggled to not cry then and there. Their third anniversary had been a disaster, he didn’t want to go into it. But Adam had would forever hate that day. It was what made him bring this meeting with Lucifer.
Adam: I do remember, and so should you.
Lucifer: But I literally just said that I
Adam: No, I’m talking about what happened that day. Can you please tell me what happened?
Lucifer was nervous at his husband’s harsh tone but answered him.
Lucifer: Well, I do remember that both of us were so busy, I with handling a fortis problem, then Charlie called and she needed some help with the hotel, and I didn’t get back till late at night. Oh and you had that concert of yours, by the way how was it? I don’t think I asked before.
Adam felt his eye twitch.
Adam: It was not JUST a concert Lucifer.
Lucifer: …Did something happen at the concert?
Adam: More like what didn’t happen.
Lucifer: Did no one applaud you? Were they booing you? Honey don’t worry your a great singer, you’ll bounce back.
Adam: No, there were no applause nor cheers. Because my audience wasn’t there.
Lucifer: Oh, Adam I’m so sorry.
Adam: You weren’t there Lucifer.
Lucifer: What?
Adam: You were not at my concert Lucifer, You were supposed to be there. Because you were meant to be my audience. Because that concert was going to be dedicated to you! It was supposed to be my wedding anniversary present to you!
Lucifer: But, but, but it’s not my fault if you don’t tell me in advance!
Adam: Lucifer I told you weeks prior about it. And you always said that you’d be there. But of course you lied.
Lucifer: I didn’t lie! Shit came up Adam this isn’t my fault. If anything you should have told me before I left that day! On top of that what did you expect me to do? Not do my duty as king. Tell the goetia to handle it themselves!? Say no to my own daughter, your own daughter, I shouldn’t have helped her at all?! Geez you can be selfish sometimes.
Adam’s eyes widened at that statement. He was shocked to his seat still. Then slowly he nodded his head in understanding. He was an idiot for ever even considering giving Lucifer a second chance. Taking a deep breath, Adam looked directly into Lucifer’s yellow, red eyes and said,
Adam: Lucifer, I want a divorce
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it's time for another selfie-bomb! ... well, selfie, and my favorites of the newest crystals I bought
first up a pic of my new shirt and scarf; the picture doesn't do the scarf justice, it is SO shimmery and changes colors based on how the light hits it! and the shirt makes me feel like a Reaper who's undercover as a sexy maid XD
as for the crystals... bismuth first! the flash on the camera makes it look gold and almost pyrite-y, but that's just the flash being dumb, it is DEFINITELY bismuth
next is a UV-reactive crystal called yooperlite! before and after the black light shining on it. :D the picture also does not quite do the black light reveal justice... it's SO vibrant and neon under the black light, it looks like a Halloween rave!!
and, of course... my absolute FAVORITE of my new ones. the big boi. the king. the high exalted granddaddy. MY SELENITE SNAKE!!! guys this thing is gorgeous. it's also carved in such a way that I could actually use it as a charging/clearing stand for other crystals by resting them among the snake's coils. UGH I'm gonna be showing this bad boy off for months!!
I also took some pics a few days ago to post here, of me being silly with my fake 'pet' snake, so... I'll post those some other time.
today I just needed a pick me up after the last several bleh weeks, and these crystals and stuff were IT! <3 <3 <3
#mod post#mod selfie#mod's crystals#looking at my shelf of over 500 crystals: now where am I gonna PUT y'all................#I also bought a pair of Victorian-style lace-up thigh high boots#but they didn't fit over my big ol calves so I gave them to my aunt and they look great on her!#maybe I'll search around for some for myself eventually........#but like probably not SOON because I ordered those boots before I hurt my foot#and I'm not gonna be wearing any cute footwear for months till the swelling and pain are gone XD#BUT YEAH other than that I'm very happy with these!!#I also ordered some scoops of crystal confetti for myself and my aunt and cousin#we like to get our scoops and then gather around pulling em out piece by piece with each other and guessing what they'll be haha#I'm in much better spirits than I've been for the past few weeks so yay maybe this is the end of the shitty bad month!
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Thank you all for an incredible 500 days of love and support. I offer you: answers to questions that no one has asked.
(As always, more can be found in the tags <3)
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#a-qing#jin ling#wen ning#jiang cheng#“Hey wait this feels like there should have been way more content for questions” Yes. There was.#I was not strong enough to redraw *all* of what was lost. Rest in piece the original (lost to tea related accident)#But I'll tell you all the fun other things that would have been drawn out right here in the tags!#Did you know my longest posting streak was 61 days? And my longest hiatus was 6 days?#Did you know I missed posting on 92 days of those 500 days - meaning I posted 82% of the time on a daily basis?#I'm normal about collecting data. I have so much data on this blog for normal reasons. I'm also so normal about art. The normalest.#Honorable mention for the character rankings: Lan Wangji! for “Most improved in rank”.#Sorry Lan Wangji fans but until the audio drama I honestly was...pretty indifferent towards him.#I think a huge part of that was due to the fact he's constantly paired up with WWX; who has *so* much charisma and steals the scene#But I've really come to like him a lot more since starting this project. He rose from mid-tier to being in the top ten!#Dishonorable mention: Nie Huaisang. Who fell out of number 1 spot and out of the top 5.#He just hasn't shown up a lot! And my rankings are fickle! They will probably change once I finish the third season!#My favourite comics are: A lot of them! And the ones I have yet to make!#I'm very sleepy at the moment while writing this but I do want to give a huge shout out to YOU.#Yeah! you reading this! Thank you! If you've been here since the first week or just started reading: THANK YOU!#If you've only ever lurked and never even liked a single post but still read my comics: THANK YOU!!#In creating this blog - I have found 500 days of more happiness that I could have ever imagined.#Thank you for joining me on this journey. Thank you for giving me your time and your support.#It means more than any 'thank you' could say B'*)
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the constant inner struggle of a Na'vi speaker/teacher browsing Na'vi OCs
#(spongebob rainbow meme) autism#if i've ever reblogged your post to correct your na'vi grammar/OC name i promise promise promise i wasn't doing it to be rude#or as any sort of personal attack or criticism#the na'vi language is just a special interest of mine and i really love sharing information about it and helping people who are new to it!!#but also yes i acknowledge that at the end of the day it doesn't *really* matter if tumblruser29's na'vi oc has an “invalid” name#as long as they're happy with it#but boy howdy does the infodump side of me still want to fix it#...yeah this is why i very seldom reblog other people's OCs even if I really like the concept/design/art 😅#because i know i won't be able to resist fixing the names#and i'm aware that most people will probably find that more annoying than helpful#i'm more likely to bite the bullet and do it anyways with grammar mistakes#because with OC names a lot of the time there's a good chance the person isn't actually interested in learning the language#they simply want a cool name for their character#but if someone's trying to string together full phrases/sentences I assume they have at least some interest in actually learning#so I want to step in and help out#but...yeah#lì'fya leNa'vi#na'vi oc#my art#comic
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"Yeah, I know. Who would've thought?" Henry definitely wasn't happy with learning that information at all. "Oh, that poor boy. No wonder he copes in such a way. To have a father like that man." Henry shook his head at that. Dr.Two-Brains was surprised by how his boyfriend reacted to finally getting the picture. The villain quickly apologized to the poor employee and finished ordering their food. Henry was now in deep thought about his student. It didn't take very long for them to receive their food. Dr.Two-Brains paid for it, and they left for the villain's warehouse. "Shockingly, the kid is still much better than Calvin. That's for sure. He might be a pain in the neck, but he's nowhere as insufferable as Calvin. The only reason I can't stand him is pretty much because he kept flirting with my daughter when she's WordGirl." The mad scientist huffed. "He actually makes an effort to get along with others unlike that prick. I'm shocked that he actually listens to you. You have a knack for making an impact on others." Henry really wanted to help the kid now. Perhaps find another way to direct his anger and frustration through other means. They just about arrived at Dr.Two-Brains when Henry spoke up. "Dearest, you said that you needed to speak with me about Lucian. What was it that you had to bring me here to speak about?" The mad scientist's eyebrows furrowed at the question. "You'll need to be seated inside the warehouse when I do tell you. It's not something you'll want to hear or believe, but please. Trust us." That made the teacher's stomach twist up. It must be something really serious. Dr.Two-Brains parked, and they got into the lair where the four were waiting for them. Alan was with Hugh, holding onto his hand. They all looked grim and angry. Hugh still looked quite shaken up from the counter. "He's here with me, guys. Henry, please sit on the couch." It didn't take Dr.Two-Brains to tell him twice to do as told. Henry seated himself upon the couch. They all exchanged knowing glances, which only fed into the dread the teacher had been feeling. Dr.Two-Brains sat beside him as the others surrounded them. "What about Lucian? Did he do something?" This made Hugh frown, avoiding Henry's gaze. "Something like that, yeah. Last night, Hugh was alone at his apartment while Alan was out making his rounds about the city. During that time, Lucian showed up at Hugh's door. He wanted someone back from him. While Lucian did, in fact, receive said item back. He had noticed Hugh tampered with it. Lucian wasn't very happy with that." This made Henry more curious by the moment. What did Lucian want? Tamper with what exactly? "Lucian tried to force information out of Hugh with violence. If Alan hadn't shown up, our friend would've been hurt from it. The item that Lucian wanted back from Hugh was HJ7, your formula. He claimed that Robert sent him to fetch it. Hugh also said he felt the same wrong feeling coming from him, yet much worse. It was much more intense. He wasn't happy to see Hugh take some of the formula from the vial Robert left. We don't think Robert is a bad person, no. We're not saying that at all. He might not have any say in any of this. I'm so sorry, love. We believe that Lucian is Robert's version of Hyde.” Henry's face was drained of color, his blood ran cold at what his boyfriend revealed. Not only confirming that Robert did in fact ingest his formula but had been continuing to do so. As well as knowing that Lucian had attacked an innocent person because of the formula. That means Robert's counterpart was willing to resort to violence. Did this mean Robert was repressing a violent nature of some sort? He hated to think of it. “Robert…and Lucian are like Hyde and I?” His tone was confused. “I'm afraid so, Henry. I'm so sorry. I wanted to tell you gently. You deserve to know what we found out. While Robert himself might not be a threat, Lucian has made it clear that he was one. We didn't want to spring this on you so soon but you need to know.” Hugh spoke up. “He wanted to keep the formula a secret from you so badly.”
@thecountoflondonfansite
Henry felt devastated for his oldest friend. "That's absolutely horrible. I can't possibly imagine what Robert is going through. Even though he had issues with his father, this would no doubt affect him greatly.” His heart ached for Robert. Having lost his father due to a murder. Who could've done that? Was it the same person who attempted to kill Mr. Danvers Carew with the fire which Hyde got framed for? “You said it seemed personal. Why do you say that, old friend?” The lawyer took a moment to answer. “The murder was grisly and there wasn't anything stolen from the crime scene. It sounded more than just a robbery gone wrong. If it was truly that, expensive items would've been missing yet it all remained. I'm honestly shocked that Robert never told you. You two were always so close. Practically inseparable from college.” Henry looked visibly uncomfortable and solemn due to what his friend had said. “Thank you for telling me this. I do hope Robert will tell me about this on his own time. I won't force him or rush him.” Gabriel nodded at that. “Are you going to tell him?” The teacher seemed hesitant to answer that. “I will, once he has his own problems sorted. I would rather not add onto his problems with my own.” While it was true, Henry also didn't want to make things more complicated for Robert. He knew that his best friend had HJ7 and possibly could have ingested it. Leading to his own soul being split. It would only stress him out which could lead to his possible version of Hyde to get better control over him. It would only serve as ammo Robert's counterpart could use against him. “That is quite understandable. You two have been through a lot. Also considering the incident with your former employee. Mr. Hyde. It's been so stressful for both of you.” Hyde felt nervous whenever Gabriel would mention him. It felt like he could so easily uncover who he truly was to Henry. It was why he never appeared around him either. It's not that they didn't trust him. Not at all. As crazy as Hyde thought he was, he didn't want to possibly lose a friend he technically never met. He actually liked Gabriel and knew that the lies Henry kept would hurt the man deeply. It was a shared fear between Henry and Edward. “Thank you for understanding that, Gabriel. Also thank you for helping me.” Gabriel offered him a warm smile. “Of course. I would do anything for my dearest friends.” It troubled Henry. Why didn't Robert say anything about his father? Yet again, Robert did keep it a secret that he had a vial of HJ7 too. Becky looked confused, she had known about the murder of Dr. Lanyons father before he did. She was sure he would've known. Before the young girl could think about it further, she heard a voice calling for her. It was her uncle's voice. She listened to him calling, luckily Gabriel was too occupied with Henry to notice that. She went over to her father and tugged at his sleeve. Making Dr.Two-Brains lean over so she could whisper into his ear. “Dad, Uncle Alan is calling me. It sounds really urgent, I'll be back as soon as possible.” The mad scientist seemed reluctant to let her leave but nodded. “Alright, please don't take too long. Be careful.” With that said, Becky left. The moment she was alone, checking to make sure it was safe, Becky transformed and flew straight to Alan's and Hugh's apartment. She wondered why he called for her instead of going there himself. It must've been something serious. When she arrived, Becky went to the apartment she knew they resided in. Giving the door a couple of knocks before it was answered by Alan. Behind him were the other three of the four. “Uncle Alan? What are the others doing here?” His expression remained stoic. “We wanted to tell you something. We need you to tell your dad to turn his phone on. We have urgent information to tell him. Something has happened. We need to tell him what as well as the information we gained from it.”
Becky looked alarmed at what her uncle had just said. "Does it have something to do with Dr. Barriton?" Becky inquired as she remembered her dad telling her about the blonde scientist. Becky never really met him since the guy was fired when she was a baby. Her dad did describe him as an absolute narcissus and prick who was Athena's cousin. Becky didn't hold it against anyone to be related to that psycho woman since her twin brother Eris was a good person. She held the man's character and lack of morals against him. Alan shook his head. "No, it wasn't Calvin. Have you heard any of the adults speak of a Lucian Bennett?" Alan asked his niece. Becky pondered the question a bit and shook her head. "Not really, no." She answered. "Who is he?" The four looked at each other, not really sure how to explain. Hugh decided to speak about the man and his encounter to a degree. "We are not entirely sure who Lucian is as a person, but we know he is like Edward Hyde. By that, I mean he is the counterpart of someone who took the HJ7 formula." Becky's eyes widened at Hugh's explanation. There was someone out there who had their own Mr. Hyde! "Does Dr. Jekyll know about Lucian?" Becky asked in an urgent tone. The others gave a nod. "Yeah, he is aware of Lucian. He is also aware of the man having his own variation of the HJ7 formula though he isn't entirely sure how it is possible." Jenkins explained. "Listen, Becky. We really need to get in touch with your dad. It's difficult to explain but Lucian had nearly gotten physical with Hugh. We need to tell your dad what we know and what happened. Alan couldn't fly to Henry's house since it would have caused some alarm and we know the others are still recovering from Athena's attack. That is why he contacted you." Patricia explained in a serious tone. Becky nodded as she understood the gravity of the situation. "Okay, I'll get my dad." The heroine then took off back to Dr. Jekyll's apartment. "Where did your daughter run off too?" Gabriel asked. "Oh, she remembered she had to go outside and call her uncle Alan and let him know she couldn't spend the night at his and Hugh's home this Friday since personal things came up." Dr Two Brains quickly explained. Utterson looked surprised at the response. "She had to take her phone call outside." The lawyer exclaimed with a slightly suspicious tone. Two Brains internally panicked. 'Why can't this guy be as dumb as the rest of the civilians in this city.' "Oh well it was special bonding family thing they had this weekend though Becky is no longer feeling up to it. She and her uncle Alan have unique traditions that are not meant for other ears to hear. It shouldn't take to long for Becky to speak with Alan." Two Brains exclaimed. Henry seemed to catch onto the hidden meaning of his boyfriends' words and decided to help cover for him. "It's a strange but endearing characteristic that my boyfriend's family has. They like to keep their personal businesses private, even if it is just regular, family matters." Henry added. Gabriel looked a bit confused but quickly shook it off for now. "If you say so, Henry." He then turned to Dr. Two Brains. "So your brother is dating Dr. Mann?" Gabriel asked Two Brains shook his head. "No, Alan is dating Hugh, but he isn't my brother. He is technically my brother-in-law. He is Becky's mom's sibling." The mad scientist corrected. In what seemed to be a short amount of time, Becky returned inside. "Hey, kiddo. How did your talk with Uncle Alan go on the phone?" Dr. Two Brains inquired. Becky greeted her dad with a smile but Two Brains and Henry could tell that it was faked. "It went well, but he wanted me to let you know to turn on your phone. Hugh and the other four have been trying to reach you and see how you were doing." Becky respond. Two Brains looked embarrassed and quickly pulled out his phone to turn it on. His eyes widened as he saw the missed calls. "Oops. Sorry. I turned my phone off because I was having a conversation with Henry and didn't want to be disturbed." Two Brains exclaimed. @unhingedexperimenter
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I'm just going to stop my rewatchs at 6x04, maybe watch the elevator scenes, then loop back to 5x01 to keep my chenford heart happy
#the rookie#chenford#lucy chen#tim bradford#look i totally get the argument that 'will they or wont they becomes less interesting when they do'#but honestly#the happy late season 5 domestic chenford bubble is my happy place#i could watch those two flirting and being supportive of each other for YEARS#i'm very pro 'just let them get together and their storylines can be the two of them getting up to hijinks'#like i always think of zoe and wash in firefly#which yeah#nathan fillion cropping up again#they were an established couple and i found their dynamic so much more lovely than mal and inara
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Betty’s Wish (1/?) (Patreon)
It’s definitely weird that Betty, with all her Magical abilities, never met a Wishmaster, right? I think so
[First | Prev | Next]
#My art#Comic#Adventure Time#Prismo#Betty Grof#Oh this is much bigger than I'm used to lol - feel free to open in a new tab#My big project! Here it is! :D Or at least the first piece of it lol#I worked on quite a lot of it through Requestober - or at least the digital cleans lol#If you'll recall my ''This has gotten way out of hand'' posts about Winter and the like - yeah it was actually this lol#And that was just the roughs! This became my warmup project for the remainder of RQTR 2023 lol#It definitely worked! All the way around! I got lots of panels done in short order and got my warmups in for the day#These are mostly drawn right on top of my original sketches - other than adding Betty's kerchief#I would've gone over her hair to make her more on-model but hrnnghhh hair fun to drawww#This is my happy medium compromise lol#Prismo was also a treat to work on ♪ He's vectors as you can probably tell :)#And I still looooove working with vectors ahhhhhh <3 <3 They're so fun to manipulate and move around#I can change his expressions so quickly! Very enjoyable to work with :D#Hehe ♪ He's also not confined to the panels the same way Betty is :)#Anyhow! I have Several more of these planned but for now I'm just happy I finally have this one :D#For reference this is set before the end of Adventure Time - obvs since Betty looks like this - but also kinda not lol#Y'know how it is with time and paradoxes and stuff :)#Even Prismo knows ♪ He probably knows best of all actually hehehe
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i practiced my tour eyeshadow again today 💞
#definitely an improvement. got some tape and its such a game changer#no cut crease today but im happy with how it came out!#it does definitely make me *want* a cut crease for the actual look tho. so that's good to know#and it needs to be more purple. its very blue today. but its more of a navy than a purple blue#still pretty though!!#probably matches my features just fine bc navy is a great colour contrast. but yeah!#im having a good time ☺️#it's fun to get to reclaim feeling like a girl in my childhood bedroom where that wasn't encouraged#i was told makeup is a waste of time and other girls who do it are stupid. and while makeup *can* be dangerous in a self-image way#it's really difficult to feel locked out of a certain aspect of girlhood. where everyone else can play but you Cant#and it makes you feel wrong for wanting to try#it isnt the only thing that makes you a girl. it isnt even needed for that#but it *can* be connected to femininity#and it feels a little bit like i'm teaching younger char how to do it 💞#c.text
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it's been a strange arc so far
when I was 19-21 and having an extremely imbalanced relationship with someone in their mid 30s I was like 'we are both adults so the fact that this is fucking me up is my fault'
when I hit my late 20s and saw how young people in their late teens and early 20s seem now I was like 'oh wait I was so fucking young I didn't know shit about my own limits or about managing relationships and I don't know why someone in their mid to late 30s would be into that except for nefarious purposes'
the weird bit is now I'm into my 30s - not even that far into my 30s - and while I still wholeheartedly believe that last thing about how young (and self destructive) 20 year olds are, I'm also kind of like 'huh, actually nobody I know that age has their shit remotely together and frankly the reason this fucked me up is because NEITHER of us knew what the fuck we were doing it how to cope, for different reasons and at different life stages, and there probably wasn't any malice or intent to control as much as there was Blind Flailing.'
#red said#this is about one specific relationship btw.#wanted to clarify that because there have been several men over 30 who fucked me up between the ages of 16 and 21#and i adamently do NOT want to keep pretending that was incompetence. that was predation. sometimes incompetent predation.#but with the person I'm thinking of? she really hurt me and the age gap and difference in life stage was a not insubstantial factor#but mostly she was just spiralling out really badly and i offered her something to hold and she did try to keep things balanced and safe#but she was very off balance at the time. so the fucking up was more that than it was about power or control#we were just both very stupid and very sensible at the same time which is a great way to dig yourselves deeper#and idk I'm like 2 or 3? years younger than she was when we met iirc#and the closer i get to her age the more I'm like yeah you know that's a human reaction. i can see how that happens.#and i kind of feel bad for the amount of bitterness I've held and malice I've ascribed because ultimately#i think it was just two people having different crises trying and failing to figure out boundaries around them#but this has come on really suddenly and it's kind of fucking me up as well#cause I'm frightened of falling back into patterns of oh it's never anyone else's fault that i got hurt#but i don't. thiiiiink so? bc it's really only this one thing. i am not making these excuses for other people.#idk. sometimes people just fuck each other up.#I'm not even sure i think it was a bad thing that it happened. a lot of bad happened but we also catalyzed a lot of change in each other.#i feel like the reason i keep picking at this is that it's complicated. it was not good. it was good.#she really fucked me up and she was a terrible friend to me at times. but she was also the first person to really look after me.#and she kind of helped me start to learn how to need other people. which was good.#when my grandma died she wrapped me in a blanket and cancelled her plans to watch TV on the couch with me#even though she barely knew me at that point#and she was one of the first people to consistently ask for consent and check in. and she did genuinely care about me.#but she also truly fucked me over a couple of times.#but mostly that was just because she was buried in a pit of despair and self loathing.#she seems a lot happier now. i hope she is. i don't know if i want to know her particularly but i think if she's happy she'd be nice to know
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