#BUT I DO UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF NOT KNOWING/DESIRE TO KNOW WHAT YOU CAN'T I've lived it and it

[notmorbid]

all-night pharmacy.

dialogue prompts from all-night pharmacy by ruth madievsky.

you're so alive, it's scary.

being a person doesn't come naturally for me.

what's the deal with this place?

you are my best and my worst friend.

are we horrible people?

i like the idea of having someone to come home to.

i can't tell if you're being cruel or if you're just dumb.

these aren't the decisions of a well-adjusted person.

the less you know about my life, the better.

everyone here is a liar and a cheat.

you deserve to have a life of your own.

a person can't be held responsible for what they don't know.

all relationships are transactional.

no one should have that much power over you.

it isn't too late to come back.

you're uninvited from my birthday party.

i love you, but you're such a cunt.

who do you think you are?

forced intimacy makes me lightheaded.

i know you're in there. let me in.

jesus. why do you have a knife?

what happened last night?

it was less embarrassing to pretend i didn't care.

maybe i'm not the mothering type.

i wish i could carry some of this pain for you.

i need a break from feeling so much all the time.

sometimes i can't tell if i'm asleep or awake.

whatever's going on, we'll figure it out.

i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm scared all the time.

this is the most i can imagine for myself.

if you're not asking yourself 'am i ruining my life?' at least once a day, you're not living at all.

you act like you're over it, but it's okay if you're not.

all my life, i've felt like a dead animal with its skin still on.

it's a virtue to rid yourself of anything that doesn't serve you.

i've never had a day of rest in my life.

i chase after you like a dog, leaving pieces of myself behind, and every time, you act like that's how it's supposed to be.

you don't take me seriously. i'm not a real person to you.

i can't play house anymore.

never say that name in front of me.

to you, other people are always the problem.

you can't reach a mutual understanding without spilling blood.

want to make fifty bucks?

the only way to really see a person is to lose everything you have in common.

you don't think we'll get caught?

our loyalty is to story, not reality.

just don't do anything that could result in a lawsuit or a tmz article, and you're fine.

i don't have the energy to keep up with your antics.

our most beloved delusion was that lying to each other was a kind of love.

speaking our fears aloud won't save us.

one day, the mask slipped. i haven't been able to wear it since.

i try not to think about my life at all.

a junkie can spot another junkie without a flashlight.

your voice reminds me of wool sweaters.

boundaries? i don't know her.

i'm just sick of doing the same goddamn thing every day.

you are obsessed with a projection that will never love you back.

think of me as a spiritually connected friend.

i know liars. you don't strike me as one.

you have iconically poor judgment.

has anyone ever told you about your past lives?

you're capable of tolerating a lot. frankly, more than you should.

friendship can be a slow burn. you don't have to consume it like a drink at last call.

i'll give you a clue. i work for myself.

you make me want to feel things again.

criticism is still a cousin of attention.

you don't have to pretend to like something just because i made it.

i know you crave being told what to do.

you don't have to settle for being a person things happen to.

you have desires. act on them.

bitch, does this look like an intro to philosophy seminar?

i thought i had quit you.

my favorite. how did you know?

i feel like my organs are cannibalizing each other.

how did i get here? that's not a rhetorical question. i'm actually asking.

i can't tell if i believe it, or if i'm making excuses for myself.

sometimes i wonder if it's healthy how much meaning you see in things.

you're always waiting for the universe to hurt you or to love you. usually in that order.

that's how it was in my family. reading the room was a survival skill.

where will all the animals go in the rapture?

a bunch of fuckups under one roof doesn't constitute a family.

my little saint.

time passes more slowly as a sober person.

you'd better not pull away from me now.

there's a russian proverb that goes, 'so much is ruined by saying it aloud'.

you wear your emotions like a name tag.

your resting face frightens me.

how are you both the most innocent and the most experienced person i've ever met?

i need you to just be here with me.

our dead deserve to see you happy.

i like the idea of being marked by you.

i don't know what i saw, but it was more than i wanted.

i know what i saw.

i can't tell which of the memories are real, if any.

i can't believe you're mine.

nobody warned me how terrifying it is to get what you want.

you're cute when you're freaked out.

sex is supposed to be unsettling.

there are things i need to atone for.

you can't go back like it's nothing.

i won't live in service of my dead's vision for me.

___ was a real person. a murder isn't a metaphor.

count five things you can see. four things you can touch. three things you can hear. two things you can smell. one thing you can taste.

banish one god, and you'll end up worshiping another.

i want to be with you, but i don't want to keep feeling like this.

you know everything about me, but you won't let me know you.

you aren't someone i can keep at a distance.

i've been reading about intergenerational curses.

resisting something isn't the same as not wanting it.

anything you say stays between us.

i can't decide if i like you.

most people only possess a third of the empathy they think they have.

will it get easier?

hope is a tricky thing: losing it is bad, but so is having too much.

i don't want the future to come. i have a bad feeling about it.

in cartoons, you don't start falling until you look down.

why are you here? where have you been?

how did you know i'd come looking for you?

you never asked what i was going through. you didn't want to know.

i didn't have the language for what was happening to me.

you were supposed to protect me.

there's a lot i don't remember. a lot i don't want to remember.

i wouldn't have looked for me, either.

we belong to ourselves now.

you know where i am, and i know where you are. maybe that's enough.

when i'm down, vigilante justice makes me feel better.

survival is provisional.

[volosdarling]

WHENEVER THE VOLO BOT ON TWITTER POSTS THIS I GET SO SAD BC I WISH I COULD BE BY HIS SIDE BUT THIS IS BEFORE HE MEETS MY SONA ANYWAY :-(

[shradsmanifestt]

You've been affirming and persisting a lot. But you can't help but wonder why it isn't here yet?

I guess this is something a lot of people including me have faced. Believe me I know how it feels. But lemme ask you something. You affirm saying it's already done and then you go behind your own bavk and ask where it is? How does that make any sense?

There's only one solution to this. If it's already done why go search for it? It's done and that's it.

I know we as humans wanna be validated with proper proof that it's done. But c'mon. This is the law of assumption. There's nothing logical about this. You know it, I know it. Every time you affirm just remind yourself that this is your validation. The very fact that you're able to affirm it, makes it true. The fact that you can imagine it, script it , feel it real are all proof that it's done and that's the validation that you need trust me. Just trust me on this.

Manifestation isn't logical. So stop trying to make it logical. You'd fail. Quit trying to make sense of what's happening. It doesn't matter. You don't need to understand how electricity works to use it right? All you need to know when it comes to a lamp is that you switch it on when you need the light and off it when you don't. Likewise you change your thoughts and know what you desire it's already done and that's it. Persist in that and that's all you need to do.

If it was out of reach/ impossible to manifest you wouldn't be able to desire it. It wouldn't be crossing your mind. The very fact that you can want it is all the proof you need. That's it.

Stop being lazy. If you want it you want it otherwise respectfully - fuck off. You can't go whining how it isn't here yet when you're the one who isn't letting it come to you. If you plan to just live your life like others live then why try? Just live your life the way you lived before knowing the law of assumption.

You're only adding more whining and worry on top of your situation. At least before knowing you didn't worry abt how it's gonna manifest.

If you want it badly enough you'd just stfu and persist. You'd stop being a pain in the ass to yourself and put in the discipline. I'm proof that the law works. If you can imagine the number of things that I've manifested over a span of many years you'd know. I'd start posting my stories if you'd like too.

I've known about the law of attraction since I was 13 and my mom gifted me the book - the secret. I always knew there was SOMETHING. By 2020 i learned about the law of assumption and the past 4 years have been pure bliss. Sure I've had my hard times. But in the end it's worth it. It was all worth it. Don't give up. Put in the work. It has no other choice but to manifest.

[astrosamara]

Astrology Observations #6

Happy Halloween! 🎃🎃🎃

🧡 Sun square Saturn people feel like they need to work twice as hard to achieve success that appears to come more naturally for others. Incredibly hard on themselves if they feel like they're not being productive enough or doing enough, yet they work relentlessly towards their goals and overcoming obstacles. It's hard for them to recognize their achievements or to feel proud of themselves.

🧡 Unaspected planets in the birth chart tend to manifest as a very pure representation of that planet. For example, an unaspected moon can be very emotionally expressive and reactive. Emotions run freely here. An unaspected mars needs to be busy all the time, high stress and aggression can be hard to keep under control, and they can be very competitive.

🧡 The house Venus is in is crucial to understanding someone's values and what they need to feel loved and appreciated. For example, I know a 3rd house Venus who talks to me a lot about how much they can't stand miscommunication and liars. They really value open and honest communication. I plan on creating an in-depth Venus post in the future :)

🧡 This might be an unpopular opinion, but I found my Jupiter return to be pretty underwhelming. I experienced a lot of ease in my life and I feel like I was able to get out of difficult situations pretty quickly, but other than that it wasn't quite what I've seen it made out to be. I've had quite a few people in my life have Jupiter returns recently and it was underwhelming for them as well. It's possible my 12th house profection year and 12th house Saturn transit was overshadowing my Jupiter return though.

🧡When Venus transits my 3rd and 9th houses, I notice I have a stronger desire to travel during these periods. I just want to be out and about and exploring new places and new cities. I'm usually a big homebody, but during these transits I don't feel that as much.

🧡When Sun transits my 8th and 12th houses, this is always the most painful time for me every single year. I just feel a heaviness stronger than usual and a lot of my old wounds get brought up again. This can be a really helpful time to clear out negative energy that's been stagnant for so long and start fresh once the transit ends.

🧡Pisces is by far the most sensitive sign, while Cancer is the most emotional. I feel like a lot of people misinterpret the sensitivity of Pisces as just being sad, but overall they just feel and can pick up on all the energy around them and can even have periods of apathy as a way to cope. I've also known many Pisces that struggle with anger issues as an unhealthy expression of their sensitivity.

🧡With the people you're closest to, you might see them as being their moon sign more than their sun sign. This is because you've likely seen the deepest parts of them that other's don't usually get to see.

🧡The intensity of Aries and Scorpio synastry is next level. Their connections are filled with passion and sexual chemistry. Unfortunately, that lust tends to be all that's really there for them. All that mars energy is quick and hot, but the flame doesn't last forever, unless there's more harmonious synastry between them of course.

🧡I've found 9th house Jupiter people to be incredibly smart and wise beyond their years. They can have a very deep understanding of life and the world around them. Excellent teachers and role models.

🧡I think Saturn conjunct Moon is one of the most challenging aspects to have in a natal chart. There can be this lifelong feeling of being depressed or dissatisfied, like they're cold and empty inside. They can feel disconnected to their feelings and feel emotionally starved because of this. Their mother could have been very strict and unloving and played a huge role in these feelings. Constantly feeling like they're not good enough. Just an overall very harsh placement that I feel for a lot.

🧡I've noticed that water signs tend to be very naturally inclined to spirituality. It can just be something they feel drawn to and resonate with easily. They openly embrace ideas about the universe that most people are skeptical about.

🧡Leo mercuries have the most beautiful talking voices. Their emotions shine through their voices so effortlessly. So charismatic as well. They know how to keep conversations lively.

🧡I've known so many Aquarius risings and all of them have this "goofy" persona about them that's hard to even fully describe. They just love to be a little bit silly. They also pride themselves super strongly on being unique from others. It really bothers them to feel like they're in a box or a stereotype of any sorts.

[i6eyes]

10:43 pm. gojo satoru

"i want to crawl inside you," satoru's blend of azure hues locks onto yours, "i want to live under your skin, be as close as possible to ya." he nuzzles his temple on your clavicle.

your attention shifts from the book in your hands to your boyfriend, the very same one who's currently gnawing your chest as gentle as teeth would go. the book you were propping on top of his head suddenly seems like an ideal tool to hit him with.

"what." you monotonously respond, your tone flat, eliciting a whimper from him.

"you don't get it baby," he laments, drawing out his words. why can't he express his love for you in a more .. conventional way? "you're not gonna get it ever. ever! cause no one will love you half as much as i do." he adds.

you won't understand his intense desire to merge with you, to share his very soul, heart, and mind with you. to experience life through your eyes, to feel your emotions, to embody your essence. you, his angel, his cherished love, a woman too gentle, too sweet, too loving for a man like him.

a man who flirts with danger, who caress death with the tips of his fingertips, who wields power with a mere flick of his wrist, a man who believes he's too flawed, too damaged for someone as pure as you.

"try me," you retort, a soft chuckle escaping your lips. you gently place your book aside and run your fingers through his silky unpigmented white hair, a touch that makes him practically purr with contentment. "i've climbed those tall, tall walls of yours — a little more wouldn't hurt now, wouldn't it?"

he wouldn't dream of causing you pain, hurting you in any kind of way, but he knows you don't see yourself the way he does, you never will. "eh, now that i thought about it, it's kinda lame."

you protested, but with a laugh. because that's how things are with satoru, disapprovals and complaints laced with light-heartedness and amusement.

that's what satoru is, a breath of life with a touch of death.

"are you mad right now? because you look soo hot— ow!" you smack him upside in the head.

[star-anise]

Everyone's got a take, and I've got a take too, about the current Internet Villain: James Somerton, a gay Youtuber who just got exposed (in the back half of a 4-hour video) as massively plagiarizing the work of LGBTQ+ media critics, historians, and memoirists, and then exposed in another 2-hour video as just making up the wildest nonsense about the topics he demonstrably had access to accurate information on.

He achieved a six-figure income on his work by squeezing money out of his audience with claims...

That only he was creating content that preserved queer history and elevated the voices and experiences of the LGBTQ+ community (a lie)

He was in serious financial distress and would have to go out of business if people didn't give him tons of money (a lie)

That he was going to use some of that cash to make definitely good and not-at-all-plagiarized independent movies, a thing he was definitely skilled and experienced enough to do (a lie), and

That those plagiarism allegations were incorrect,, and frankly,,,, hurtful and homophobic. (a GIANT lie)

Like, here's a visualization of the script of one of his videos, "Society and Queer Horror". The highlighted bits were lifted nearly verbatim from the works of others—the 18 authors identified at the time the exposé was posted—and presented as Somerton's own work.

So here's what drives me absolutely up the wall about this:

If he had just ADMITTED that it was the work of other people, THAT WOULD STILL BE COOL. If he had just said, up front, "We are going on a survey of thoughts and insights people have had about this topic", that would still be a good video with a real audience!

Like yes, he studied business in university, he might not have gotten the kinds of research skills and knowledge someone like Kaz Rowe uses to not just report on the history and analysis of others, but evaluate their relative validity and trustworthiness.

But honestly, since watching my niblings (oldest is 13) watch Youtube, I think you honestly can't underestimate the number of viewers who are really hungry for someone saying, "I don't understand this topic! Let's explore it together!"

But NOOOOOOO, Somerton didn't want to be just some schmuck waxing enthusiastic about homoeroticism on film and acknowledging the smartness of other people. He wanted to be HIM, MR. SMARTYBOY, very sophisticated and alluring and thoughtful and deep. Definitely an intellectual heavyweight who just happened to spout off his own personal ideas and analysis that put him at the forefront of all the scholarship on the topic he's come across.

I hate being wrong. Hate being wrong. But blogging for most of my life has forced me to confront constant textual evidence that two or ten or twenty years ago, I said some dumb-ass shit. Honestly, it'd probably keep me up at night sometimes even if I didn't have a written record. I absolutely understand the desire to scan the field, find the coolest people around, and quickly clothe yourself in as perfect an imitation of them as you can manage.

But if you want to be an artist or a scholar who produces something lasting, you can't prioritize coolness over truth all the time. To develop your true, independent voice, you need to find a time and place where it is just you and just the work you're doing, and you have pick up your tools and say, I don't know if I'm doing this right, but this is what feels right to me.

There are a lot of things in life to which we can only truly contribute our presence and our perspectives. Things we can only witness or hold space for. We cannot go back and bleed the pain out of history, or erase the complexity of another person's life. Not honestly, at least.

But those are the times that need our presence, our perspectives, our witness, and our space. When we gather round and tell sad tales about the death of kings, honesty can be the only thing you give that's worth a damn in the large scale of things.

If this dude had owned up to the truth and honestly showed the work of trying to piece together a queer understanding of the world, trying to draw the threads of culture together until he found a place he fit inside them, it would have been so much more valuable to our culture as a whole.

He probably made more money this way, though. While it lasted.

[cera-writes]

Like Nothing Matters

A/N: It's finally done!! I've been dying to write this one. This is based on the song 'Nothing Matters by The Last Dinner Party' Pairing: Remy LeBeau "Gambit" x F!Reader Tags: jealousy, one sided pining, angst, friends with benefits, friends to lovers, nsfw themes Summary: Reader has been pining for Remy's attention for as long as she can remember. But his attention has always been for Rogue. He's been using reader for sex, something he could never have with Rogue. Reader is tired of being used so she gives Remy an ultimatum.

The sun was setting, casting a golden glow over the city as Remy LeBeau leaned against the sleek, cherry-red convertible. His eyes were fixed on Rogue and Magneto, who stood a few feet away, their bodies close in a way that spoke of more than just mentor and student. Remy's jaw clenched, his hands balling into fists at his sides.

"Remy," you called softly, stepping up beside him. You followed his gaze, your heart sinking at the sight that always seemed to pain him. "You know you can't—"

"Gambit know what he can't have," he snapped, cutting you off. His voice was sharp, but there was a raw vulnerability beneath the surface. "But dat don' mean he can't want it."

I have my sentence now

At last I know just how you felt

You swallowed hard, your own feelings for Remy bubbling to the surface like acid. You'd been in love with him for so long, watching him pine after Rogue while you were right here, longing for him to see you. "Maybe we should go," you suggested, hoping to distract him from the scene before him.

Remy didn't respond immediately. He took a deep breath, his eyes closing briefly before he nodded. "Yeah, let's get outta here."

He led you to the convertible, sliding into the driver's seat with a practiced ease. You settled into the passenger seat, the soft leather cool against your skin. The engine roared to life, the sound echoing through the quiet street as Remy peeled away from the curb.

The city lights blurred into streaks of color as they sped through the streets, the wind whipping through your hair. You glanced at Remy, his profile illuminated by the passing lights, his expression unreadable. You reached out, your hand resting on his knee, a silent offer of comfort.

Remy glanced at you, his eyes dark and intense in the dim light. "Ya really wanna do dis?" he asked, his voice low and rough.

You hesitated, your heart pounding in your chest. "Do what?"

"Dis," he said, his hand covering yours, squeezing gently. "Us. Right now. Here."

I dig my fingers in, expecting more than just the skin

Your breath caught in your throat, your mind racing. You knew what this could mean, what it could lead to. But you also knew the risk, the potential heartbreak. "Are you sure?" you whispered, your voice barely audible over the hum of the engine.

Remy didn't answer. Instead, he pulled the car over to the side of the road, the tires screeching slightly as they came to a halt. He turned to face you, his eyes searching yours. "Remy need dis," he admitted, his voice thick with emotion. "He need... something."

You nodded, understanding more than he might realize. "Okay," you breathed, your resolve strengthening. "Let's do this."

Remy leaned in, his lips brushing against yours gently at first, then deepening the kiss with a desperate urgency. You responded, your hands finding his face, pulling him closer. The world around you faded away, the only reality the two of you, locked in this stolen moment.

His hands roamed over your body, his touch both familiar and thrilling. You gasped into his mouth, your fingers tangling in his hair as the kiss intensified. The car seemed to shrink around you, the air thick with desire. This was the sum of your relationship with Remy. It all boiled down to sex. You were a means to an end, nothing more.

'Cause we're a lot alike

In favor, like a motorbike

A sailor and a nightingale

Dancing in convertibles

"You can hold me," you murmured against his lips, your voice shaky with emotion. "Like he held her."

Remy froze for a moment, the words piercing through the haze of lust. He pulled back slightly, his eyes meeting yours, a storm of emotions swirling within them. "And whatta 'bout you, chere?" he asked, his voice raw. "What do ya want?"

You swallowed hard, your heart pounding in your chest. "I guess I'll just keep fucking you like nothing matters," you confessed, the truth spilling out before you could stop it.

Remy's eyes darkened, a flicker of something unreadable crossing his face. He didn't speak, his silence heavy between you. Instead, he kissed you again, his hands moving with a newfound intensity, his body pressing against yours as if he couldn't get close enough.

You let a soft moan escape your lips at his sudden urgency, wrapping your hands around his neck as your fingers entangled in his hair. The car rocked gently, the sounds of the city muted outside as you lost yourself in each other. Each touch, each kiss, felt like a secret shared, a betrayal of sorts, yet it was a connection you both craved. It was reckless, wild, and utterly consuming.

As the moments stretched into what felt like hours, you clung to Remy, your body melding with his, your hearts beating in sync despite the chaos of your emotions. You knew this couldn't last, that it was a temporary escape from the realities of your lives. But in this moment, with Remy, it felt like everything else ceased to exist.

"Remy," you whispered, your voice hoarse with passion. "Please..."

He kissed you fiercely, his response a mix of desperation and tenderness. You arched against him, your body aching for more, for completion. The world outside the car faded away, the only reality the two of you, intertwined in this stolen moment. The windows were fogged up past the point of no return as you gripped onto the seat, your breaths mingling in the confined space.

The night grew deeper, the city quieter as you explored each other, each movement fueled by a hunger that seemed insatiable. It was raw, primal, a dance of bodies and souls that defied logic and reason.

As the final moments approached, you clung to Remy, your breaths mingling in the dimly lit space. Your bodies moved together, a symphony of pleasure and pain, of longing and release. It was brutal and beautiful, a testament to the complexity of human desires.

"Remy!" you gasped, your voice breaking as the climax washed over you.

He buried his face in your neck, his body shuddering with the force of his release. You held him tightly, your fingers digging into his back, feeling the weight of the moment settle heavily between you.

For a long while, neither of you spoke. The only sound was the ragged breathing, the thud of your hearts trying to find a steady rhythm. You stayed locked in each other's arms, the aftermath of passion leaving you both vulnerable and exposed.

Eventually, Remy lifted his head, his eyes meeting yours. There was a depth to his gaze, a mixture of regret and wonder. "Dat was..." he began, his voice husky.

"Intense," you finished for him, your own voice tinged with uncertainty.

He nodded, his expression unreadable. "Yeah. Intense."

You shifted slightly, adjusting your clothes as you tried to gather your thoughts. He helped you fix the strap on your tank top. The air in the car felt charged, the silence between you heavy with unspoken words. You wanted to ask him what this meant, where it left you both. But the words stuck in your throat, too afraid of the answers.

Remy cleared his throat, his gaze shifting towards the window. "We should probably head back," he said, his voice strained.

You nodded, even though part of you wanted to protest, to demand more from him. But you knew better than to push. Not yet, at least. "Yeah, okay," you agreed, your tone resigned.

We've got the highway tight

The moon is bursting with headlights

One more and we're away

Love tender in your Chevrolet

He started the car, the engine roaring back to life as he pulled back onto the road. The city lights blurred once more, the world outside a kaleidoscope of colors. You watched it all pass by, your mind a whirl of thoughts and emotions.

As the car wound its way through the streets, you stole glances at Remy, trying to read his mood. He seemed lost in thought, his brow furrowed, his hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. You wondered if he was thinking of Rogue, or if, perhaps, for the first time, he was considering the possibility of something more with you.

The thought both thrilled and terrified you. You wanted him to see you, to acknowledge the depth of your feelings. But you also feared the rejection, the potential heartbreak. It was a delicate balance, one you struggled to maintain as the miles ticked by.

Finally, the car slowed, turning into the driveway of your residence. Remy parked the vehicle, the engine idling quietly as he stared straight ahead. You waited, unsure of what to say, what to do.

"Thanks for... tonight," he said eventually, his voice low. "It meant a lot, mon ami."

You nodded, your throat tight with emotion. "Yeah. Anytime."

He turned to face you, his eyes searching yours. "Can I see ya again? Properly?"

The question hung in the air, heavy and hopeful. You swallowed hard, your heart pounding in your chest. "Um... yeah. I'd like that," you answered honestly, your voice trembling slightly.

Remy smiled, a genuine warmth lighting up his features. "Good. 'Cause Remy think he might need ya."

You returned his smile, relief flooding through you. "Then I'll be here," you promised, your voice strong.

He leaned in, his lips brushing against yours in a gentle kiss. It was brief, tender, a promise of more to come. Then he pulled back, his eyes locking with yours. "Until next time, cher," he murmured, his voice soft.

You nodded, your heart full as you watched him exit the car. The door shut quietly, the sound echoing through the stillness. You remained seated, your mind a whirl of thoughts and feelings.

As the car engine purred to life once more, you knew that whatever happened next, you were in it together. For better or worse, you had claimed your place in Remy's life, and he in yours. It was a beginning, a fragile hope amidst the chaos of your worlds.

The car pulled away from the curb, the headlights slicing through the darkness. You watched it disappear down the street, your heart swelling with a mix of anticipation and fear. But as the taillights faded into the distance, you knew one thing for certain: you were ready for whatever came next.

-

It was Saturday finally.

The sun had barely begun to dip below the horizon when Remy LeBeau, clad in his signature leather jacket and a mischievous grin, revved the engine of his black motorbike outside your house. You heard the deep rumble from inside, a sound that always sent a shiver down your spine—in more ways than one. Today was different, though. Today, he wasn't just here for a casual fling; he had something else on his mind.

You stepped out onto the porch, dressed in a simple yet elegant black dress that hugged your curves just right. Remy's eyes lingered on you a moment longer than usual, a flicker of something unreadable passing through his gaze before he offered you a helmet with a flourish. "Ready to ride, chere?" he asked, his voice smooth as velvet.

Nodding, you straddled the bike behind him, your arms wrapping around his waist instinctively. The familiar warmth of his body against yours should have been comforting, but there was an edge to it today, a tension that hadn't been there before. As he pulled away from the curb, the wind whipping through your hair, you couldn't help but wonder what tonight held in store.

The city lights blurred past as Remy weaved through traffic, his skill on the bike as impressive as ever. You clung tighter, your body pressed against his back, feeling the subtle shifts of muscle as he maneuvered. It was during these moments, when the world outside faded into a blur of motion, that you felt most connected to him—or at least, you had thought so until now.

After what felt like an eternity but was really just a few thrilling minutes, Remy slowed the bike to a stop in front of an old, ornate theater you hadn't noticed before. The marquee glowed with the words "Love Unmasked," a play that seemed oddly fitting given the circumstances.

Remy helped you off the bike, his hands lingering on your hips longer than necessary. "Thought we could start with a bit of culture," he said, a hint of uncertainty creeping into his usually confident tone.

Inside, the theater was dimly lit, the air thick with the scent of old wood and anticipation. Remy led you to your seats, his hand resting gently on the small of your back. The proximity sent a thrill through you, but it was tempered by the realization that this wasn't just another date. Something had changed, and you weren't sure you were ready for whatever it was.

As the lights dimmed and the curtain rose, you tried to focus on the stage, but your thoughts kept drifting back to Remy. His leg brushed against yours occasionally, a silent invitation or perhaps a plea for understanding. The play, a tale of hidden identities and forbidden love, seemed to mirror your own situation eerily.

Halfway through the performance, Remy leaned closer, his breath warm against your ear. "Chere, dere's somethin' Gambit need to tell you," he murmured, his voice low and urgent.

You turned to face him, your heart pounding in your chest. "What is it, Remy?"

He hesitated, his gaze flickering around the nearly empty theater before meeting yours again. "Remy... Remy think he been a fool," he admitted, his expression raw with emotion. "He thought he was jus' usin' you, but... he can't deny it anymore. Chere, I'm in love with you."

The confession hung heavy in the air between you, a mix of shock and relief washing over you. You had sensed something shifting, but hearing it aloud was both terrifying and exhilarating. "Remy..." you began, unsure of what to say.

Before you could respond, he continued, his voice tinged with desperation. "Remy know he don't deserve you, not after how he treated you, but he can't go on like this. Not knowin' if ya feel the same."

You reached out, taking his hand in yours, feeling the calluses from years of card-playing and thievery. "Remy, I..."

But the rest of your response was cut off by the sudden burst of applause as the actors took their bows. The spell was broken, the moment lost in the noise of the crowd. Remy looked away, frustration and regret etched across his features. "We should go," he said quietly, standing up and offering you his hand.

Outside, the night had grown cooler, the air crisp with the promise of autumn. Remy helped you back onto the bike, his movements mechanical, distant. As he started the engine, the roar seemed louder than before, a stark contrast to the quietude of his demeanor.

The ride back was silent, each of you lost in your own thoughts. The weight of Remy's confession lingered, a heavy burden neither of you knew how to bear. When he finally stopped in front of your house, he turned off the engine and faced you, his eyes searching yours for some sign of what to do next.

"Tonight... it meant a lot to Remy," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "He jus' need to know... d'you feel de same?"

You swallowed hard, the truth bubbling up inside you, desperate to be set free. "Remy..."

And we're a lot alike

In favor, like a motorbike

A sailor and a nightingale

Dancing in convertibles

You leaned in, your lips meeting Remy's in a passionate kiss that spoke volumes more than words ever could. The intensity of the moment seemed to shatter the silence that had enveloped you both. As you pulled him inside, the door to your place closed behind you with a soft thud, sealing the night and its revelations within.

Remy's hands found your waist, then moved upward, his grip firm as he pressed you against the wall. His kisses were sloppy yet hungry, each one a desperate claim on the emotions swirling between you. You felt the heat of his breath on your neck, the scratch of his stubble adding an edge to the tenderness.

And you can hold me like he held her

And I will fuck you like nothing matters

And you can hold me like he held her

And I will fuck you like nothing matters

With a hand on Remy's chest, you gently pushed back, creating space between you. He looked at you with concern. "You wan' me to stop, chere?"

"Remy," you whispered, looking into his eyes, "are you sure this is what you want? There are no more lingering feelings for Rogue on your part?"

His expression faltered for a moment, a flicker of doubt crossing his features before he steadied himself. "Chere," he said, his voice resolute, "Gambit is leavin' all dat in de past now. You... you're his future."

The sincerity in his words washed over you, a wave of relief and acceptance. You nodded, understanding the weight of his confession and the promise it held. Without another word, you drew him close again, your lips finding his once more, this time with a shared certainty that echoed through every touch, every kiss.

The night unfolded around you, each moment a step into the unknown, guided by the fragile thread of newfound love.

As you led Remy upstairs, the air seemed to thicken with anticipation. The soft glow from a nearby lamp cast long shadows along the walls, adding an intimate ambiance to the space. You could feel Remy's eyes on you, his gaze intense and unwavering as he followed close behind.

Entering your bedroom, you turned to face him, your heart pounding in your chest. Remy stepped closer, his hands gently cupping your cheeks as he leaned in, his lips brushing softly against yours. The kiss deepened, fueled by the emotions that had been simmering between you both.

"Chere," he murmured against your lips, "Gambit wants to show you how much y'mean to him."

You nodded, your breath mingling with his as you wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer. Remy's hands trailed down your back, his touch electric as he slowly began to undress you. Slowly unzipping your dress revealed more of your skin to his appreciative gaze, his eyes darkening with desire.

As you stood before him, bare and vulnerable, Remy's hands roamed over your body, exploring every curve with a tenderness that spoke of his deep affection. You gasped as his fingers found sensitive spots, your head falling back as pleasure coursed through you.

Remy lifted you effortlessly, carrying you to the bed where he laid you down gently. He hovered above you, his eyes searching yours for any sign of hesitation. Finding none, he lowered himself, his body pressing against yours as he kissed you again, this time with an urgency that left no doubt about his intentions.

The room filled with the sounds of your mingled breaths and the rustle of sheets as Remy made love to you with a passion that was both fierce and tender. His movements were deliberate, each thrust a declaration of his feelings, each caress a promise of his devotion. It was almost like this was your real first time together, like you were seeing each other in a new light finally, without the veil of pretending.

You clung to him, your fingers digging into his back as waves of pleasure crashed over you. The world narrowed down to just the two of you, the intensity of the moment consuming all else. Remy's voice, hoarse with emotion, whispered endearments in your ear, his Cajun accent thickening with each word.

"Je t'aime, chere," he breathed, his words a balm to your soul. "Remy loves you more than anythin'."

As the climax approached, the energy between you both reached a crescendo. With a final, powerful thrust, Remy shattered the headboard, the wood splintering loudly in your bedroom. You cried out, your voice merging with his as release washed over you both.

For a long while, you lay tangled together, the aftermath of passion leaving you breathless and sated. Remy propped himself up on his elbows, a mix of guilt and amusement playing across his features as he surveyed the damage.

"Damn... guess Gambit got a bit carried away," he admitted sheepishly, his hand stroking your hair tenderly. "But don't worry, chere, he'll buy ya a new one. A better one."

You laughed, the sound rich and warm, as you pulled him down for another kiss. "I think this one will do for now," you replied, your fingers tracing patterns on his chest. "But maybe we should test the new one first, make sure it's sturdy enough."

Remy grinned, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "Challenge accepted, chere," he said, rolling onto his side to face you. "But right now, Gambit just wants to hold you. Feel you next to him."

You nestled closer, your head resting on his shoulder as you watched the shadows dance on the ceiling. The night outside grew deeper, but inside, the room was filled with a warmth that had nothing to do with the temperature. As sleep began to claim you, you felt Remy's hand tighten around yours, a silent promise of his presence and protection.

The next day dawned bright and clear, the sun casting a golden glow over the city as Remy and you stepped out into the morning light. The air was crisp, carrying with it the promise of change, much like the shift in your relationship with Remy.

He ushered you on the back of his bike. Remy seemed pensive, his usual playful demeanor replaced by a seriousness that spoke volumes about his internal struggle.

As you approached the Xavier Institute, the place where Rogue and Magneto had their shared quarters, Remy paused, his hand tightening around yours as you both hopped off his bike. "Chere, Remy need to do dis," he said, his voice low but resolute.

Even when the cold comes crashing through

I'm putting all my bets on you

I hope they never understand us

Nodding, you squeezed his hand in support. "I'm right here with you," you assured him, offering a small, encouraging smile.

Together, you entered the building, the atmosphere inside charged with the energy of the mutants who called this place home. Remy led you through the corridors, his steps purposeful as he navigated towards Rogue's room.

When you arrived at her door, Remy took a deep breath, steeling himself for what lay ahead. He knocked, the sound echoing slightly in the quiet hall. After a moment, the door swung open, revealing Rogue, her eyes widening slightly at the sight of you both.

"Remy? What's going on?" she asked, her voice tinged with concern.

Remy stepped forward, his expression unreadable. "Rogue, we need to talk," he said, his tone serious.

Rogue glanced at you, then back at Remy, her brow furrowing. "Sure, come in," she replied, stepping aside to let you both enter.

Inside, the room was cozy, filled with personal items that spoke of Rogue's personality. Remy sat down on the edge of her bed, while you remained standing near the door, giving them space but ready to offer support if needed.

"What's this about, Remy?" Rogue asked, her gaze shifting between the two of you.

Remy hesitated, his hands clenching slightly before he spoke. "Rogue, we can't keep doin' dis. Pretending dat what we had is enough when it ain't."

Rogue's face paled, her eyes narrowing slightly. "What are you saying, Remy?"

"I'm saying that I'm moving on," Remy admitted, his voice firm despite the pain etched across his features. "Gambit care about you, Rogue, but not in de way he should. Not in the way that makes me happy. Gambit can't keep holding onto to de thought dat we could be somethin' one day. I'm sorry, chere."

Rogue's gaze flicked to you, her expression hardening. "And is this because of her?" she demanded, pointing at you, a look of hurt flashing across her features.

Remy shook his head, his voice steady. "No, it's not jus' cause of her. It's cause of Gambit. Cause he finally realized dat he deserve more, and so does she."

Rogue stood up, her hands balling into fists at her sides. "So, what? You're just going to throw away everything we had for some new fling? I mean... can't say I hardly blame you. I know Magneto and I-"

Remy shushed her, standing as well, his eyes meeting hers directly. "It's not a fling, Rogue. It's real, and it's what Remy need. What we both need."

The room fell silent, the tension palpable as Rogue processed Remy's words. Finally, she nodded, her voice thick with emotion. "Fine. If that's what you want, then go."

Remy's jaw tightened, but he didn't respond. Instead, he turned to you, offering his hand. You took it without hesitation, your heart heavy but determined.

I put my heart inside your palms

My home in your arms

Now we know nothing matters

Nothing matters

As you walked out of the room, leaving Rogue behind, you felt a mix of relief and sadness. Remy's hand was warm in yours, a tangible symbol of the new path you were walking together.

Outside, the sun had reached its zenith, bathing the world in light. Remy stopped suddenly, turning to face you, his eyes searching yours. "You okay wit' dis?" he asked, his voice soft with concern.

You smiled, though it wobbled slightly at the edges. "I'm okay with us, Remy. With whatever comes next, although, please don't feel like you two can't remain friends on my behalf."

He pulled you closer, his arms wrapping around you in a tight embrace. You buried your face in his chest, breathing in his familiar scent, letting his warmth seep into your bones.

As you stood there, lost in the moment, Remy's hand drifted down to your ass, his fingers gently squeezing. You gasped softly, your body responding instinctively to his touch.

"Let's go somewhere else," he murmured against your ear, his voice husky with desire. "Somewhere we can be alone."

Nodding, you pulled back slightly, meeting his gaze with a mixture of excitement and anticipation. "Yes," you breathed, your voice barely above a whisper.

Wrapping your arms around his middle, you both rode away from the Xavier Institute, leaving behind the ghosts of the past as you stepped into the unknown future, ready to face it together, side by side.

And you can hold me like he held her

And I will fuck you like nothing matters

And you can hold me like he held her

And I will fuck you like nothing matters

And you can hold me, like he held her

And I will fuck you like nothing matters

And you can hold me like he held her

And I will fuck you like nothing matters, ooh

[sugar-grigri]

Sperm is the symbol of hope in pain, yes. Sit down, I'll explain.

Yes, even sperm has symbolism.

Although this title may sound catchy, I didn't phrase it that way to make it so, I really mean it. I'm just warning that some of my sentences are going to sound completely crazy. Let me begin. 

I've said it before, but when we have a tripartite chapter, the key to reading it is to link these three elements. What do kissing, love and sperm have to do with each other? The answer seems obvious, and refers back to the previous chapter. The link lies in the act committed in chapter 167. But I think it's more subtle and stronger than that. 

These three elements are impossible to deny. Just as Asa can't deny not loving Denji to Yoru, Yoru can't deny having kissed Denji twice, and wanting to kiss him again. Sperm carries the same message (crazy phrase). It is just as much a part of the realization of the previous elements, impossible to deny. It can be cleaned up, forgotten like kissing, denied like love, it is the concretization of the other two acts. 

Semen is perceived as negative, disgusting, sticky, as new feelings or an unexpected kiss can be. But above all it's a result that doesn't help either protagonist. 

Again it's crazy what I'm about to say. But just as the semen made Denji realize that Asa/Yoru wanted to kiss him, he hoped there was a feeling of love. Just as Asa and Yoru denied kissing and love for him, realized they had semen on their hands. I know it sounds weird when you say it like that, but it's not. Sexuality is a major theme in CSM. Just as its organic aspect carries a message. 

Sperm refers to the fact that Denji masturbates when he's unwell, just as he relies on the discovery of sex to be happy. The semen also reflects Asa's fear of intimacy. Just as it is a kind of victory for Yoru, who sexually assaulted them both. 

In short, the tripartite title basically refers to the feelings intertwined between these three pivots. And his order makes sense. It symbolizes the way Yoru interferes. 

Yoru kissed Denji for the first time at a time when Asa barely realized what she was feeling. It's vital to understand that, at this point, neither Yoru nor Asa were yet fully in love with Denji, since they hadn't yet developed feelings for CSM during the Falling Devil arc. 

The kiss came before the love. He was stolen. Whether it's because it's unexpected for Denji. And precipitous for Asa. 

Then there's the development of Asa's feelings, again leading to an appropriation of Yoru, committing a precipitous sexual act for both protagonists. 

But above all, the three elements were succinctly crossed out. The kiss had been temporarily forgotten by Yoru. The semen is washed away to forget the sexual assault. And Denji is denied love. 

Let me be very clear so that everyone understands. Love, kissing and semen are denied by Asa and happened in the wrong order for her.

Just as they are monopolized by Yoru.

Just as Denji places his hopes in them, and they are a logical consequence for him.

But it's not all doom and gloom. Because the name of the sushi restaurant is a coded message (another crazy phrase).

As I've said before, every element is a symbol. The fish are.

They hark back to the aquarium episode. As Asa despaired, Denji fed her fish and starfish, foods Asa disliked. Just as she was in despair and denied herself hope, fish is associated with regaining hope. Above all, the aquatic element is the antithesis of fire, represented by the fire demon who leads us to be what we desire, even if it means suffering for it. Fish is acceptance, fire disillusionment. 

It's not present in the English version and I don't know if it's translated from Japanese, but I hope so, but this chapter reinforces my interpretation: press the button to have hot water but but beware of burns. We have to relate the fish to understand the symbol of fire. Yes. 

So what does the restaurant's name mean? 

Two options. The key to facing death is hope. Or will the protagonists perish from hoping that happiness is within their reach ?

Actually I think it's deeper than that. I've been hoping for this for a few times now, so I'm going to try again. 

When Asa invited Denji, it was because she considered him less than a cat. Who else considered him less than a cat ?

When Asa was picky about food at the aquarium? Who else is? 

Who did Asa think of at the aquarium? 

For whom precisely does Denji not feel love in the sense that he feels it for Asa ? 

Remember when I said that the title refers to negation ? 

There's hope in death. 

When Denji says he wants to like sushi, symbolically it's to keep hope alive. 

But fish are a strong enough symbol to refer to someone whose name wasn't uttered once in part 2. Forgotten. 

Eating sushi will lead Denji to count on his family again. 

Like the hope of finding someone dear to him.

Love in horror.

Power.

But wait before you go. I lied, there's more despair than hope. You can't blame me, that's what Fujimoto does all the time.

What did Power do ? Die for love, right ? Hope, denial, love........

Power even died twice, didn't she? Cut in two, right?

I know Asa and Denji have already died, but they can die a second time, can't they ? But this time with two of them. Dying a second time together.

Do you miss the cursed number 2 ?

[pomefioredove]

angelum

summary: morally insecure reader type of post: fic characters: rollo additional info: romantic, reader is gender neutral, reader is yuu, yuu is at nbc now, hurt/comfort, a little fluffy, extremely self indulgent, rollo is ptsd coded as per usual

Perhaps he didn't know you as well as he thought.

But then again, perhaps he didn't want to.

Rollo had become accustomed to the comfortable home you had made yourself within his mind, warm and comforting and far, far away from the dark crevices he worked so hard to stave off.

It mirrored reality, in a sense; he saw it as his duty to keep you safe and away from all the evils of the world, the magic and sin and those who would lead you astray... some days, he felt that he could shrug the rest of his life off his shoulders and solely devote himself to your keeping. Others, he was bothered by nasty thoughts of doubt, those that told him he was only doing to you now what he couldn't have done all those years ago.

Rollo kept himself occupied enough to avoid thinking about it too much.

He did not see a reason to tell you of his mission, of course. You- pure, perfect, untainted by the sins of this world- wouldn't understand. No one would. But you never questioned it, either. Most days, you were simply happy to be treated well (the implications of which he did not want to dwell on; Rollo had made himself a promise not to pry too much about your experience at Night Raven College).

Always so grateful. So kind. Too kind, sometimes, that it caught him off guard. Rollo had not had a friend since...

...Never mind, that.

So perfect. So pure. Everything he could ever aspire to be, but never would, all captured in one person. An angel sent for him, and him alone.

But just as there were things you wouldn't understand about him, there was a sea of mysteries about you.

He can't imagine how you could cause yourself such grief.

Delicately holding your face between his hands, palms gently pressed to each wet, salty cheek, as if you were made of porcelain. He wipes away your tears with his thumbs, not bothering to pull away to retrieve his handkerchief. He can't even think of that right now. Seeing you in such pain is tearing him into halves.

"I'm a bad person,"

"No," he says, almost immediately. His voice sounds more desperate than he would have liked. He can't help it.

"I am,"

He had already spent thousands of nights wishing for some miracle that could heal unseen wounds, but that desire had become stronger than ever now. He would have gladly torn his heart out of his chest and given it to you if it would help.

He hates it. He hates that you make him feel this way. He hates himself for caring so deeply.

Yet, he still can't hate you.

Never you.

"You're not," he insists. "Tell me what's happened. I will make it better."

You don't respond, and it kills him. However you managed to get such an awful idea about yourself, he can't say. Perhaps it came from Night Raven College. Perhaps it's even older than that.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, because it is not true.

It's not true.

It's not true.

After all, if you are a bad person, then what does that make him?

You avoid his eyes. "You can't," there's long pause to take a shaky breath. "You can't make it better. I've tried... I've been trying... it doesn't go away. It's like... I've been shattered into a million pieces, and I can't be put back together again."

Rollo winces, though he doesn't show it on his face.

There are these things you do, these brief moments, soft exchanges of words, certain looks on your face, that remind him all too much of himself.

He pities you. He pities himself.

"Stop it," is all he can think to say. "Do not say such things about yourself. You are not broken. You are not evil. Do you think I would dirty myself by associating with such people?"

You're quiet for a long moment. He does not like the silence, so he keeps talking.

"I cannot address what you won't tell me, thought you should know that no matter what you were told at Night Raven College or elsewhere, here, you are valued. You are wanted. You are the most..."

Rollo hesitates for a moment, taking but a second to compose himself and rephrase whatever it was he was about to say.

"...the most exceptional student I have ever met. Your humility is honorable, but I will not allow you to drown in it. Let yourself feel this, recover, but know that here, at Noble Bell, you are nothing less than an angel."

Failing to find anything else to say, another long silence is cast over the room, though this one significantly less tense than the last. The only noise between the two of you is of crackling fire, though it sounds miles away when he looks at you like this.

Eventually, you speak. "...Thank you,"

"My pleasure," he mumbles, finally releasing the hold he's had on your face for the past several minutes and leaning back to get a better look at you. "...Let me help."

He sits a little closer, bringing your head to rest on his shoulder as he's done a thousand times before within the private confines of his room. Though, this time feels...

The purple and gold of his handkerchief cloud your vision as he gently dabs at your tears until he's satisfied, which he marks with a soft hum.

"Don't get up yet," he says after, allowing you to lean against his body for much longer than he has before. "The fire is still warm."

[somethingstrangeishere]

TW: leprosy

Baldwin IV with his mommy 🥺

She tries to cheer up her precious boy by doing something sweet for him.

"No, my dear, those bandages don't make you any worse! Please stop putting yourself down for how you look...Look, I made a bow for you! You're cute. I love you, Baldwin."

***

I don't know if you've ever had similar thoughts...I just felt like speaking up. Honestly, it's very hard to put my thoughts and convey what I'm feeling (I'm not a writer and also not a native English speaker), and to be completely honest, as I think about it, my heart hurts and my eyes water. So if you read this - thank you, and sorry for taking up your time. If not - well, I've eased my soul one way or another by speaking out.

***

My heart melts at the thought of a warm, understanding and trusting relationship between parents and children, and I also love the dynamics of family relationships. In this context, mother/son. I don't know, and no one knows anymore, about the relationship Baldwin had with his mother, whether they were close, but I'm not relying on historical reference, but on my interpretation and feelings.

For a good loving mother, her child is the best, the most precious, the most loved and desired. But life does not always turn to you and your child in a good way. Some people are unlucky - whether you are a king or a peasant, a sinner or a saint - fate does not care.

How does a mother feel when her son is mortally ill? Put yourself in her shoes. Just try it.

***

You hold your newborn baby in your arms. Here it is, your little bundle of joy, so tiny, so adorable... You want to give him all the best, now your whole world is him, your little angel!

Your son is growing up, taking his first steps, saying his first words. You dream about his future, you love him so much...

Time passes, you live in love and care for him. And you hope that it will always be like this - or as long as possible...

...Now forget about it.

Suddenly you are hit with devastating news - your son has leprosy. It knocks you off your feet, it chokes you, it tramples you into the ground, tears your heart to pieces. At that moment, as soon as you find out, you see nothing in front of you and hear nothing. Your mind is empty, and there is only one thought of your son, your treasure. Doomed, cursed. If there really is a God, why did he let this happen? Why your child? They say leprosy is a curse from God. Why curse an innocent child?!

Pain, despair, anguish. You want to weep, You want to grab your son, hold him close and never let go. You realise he's doomed. But he doesn't realise it yet.

As time goes on, his health gets worse. Your baby does not understand what is happening to him - he is scared, he is confused, he is waiting for your support and comfort. You smile at him, you give him everything you can - but inside your heart is pounding and tearing as if it were breaking your ribs. Every night you're choked with tears. Your son is your flesh and blood, you gave him life, you brought him into this world, you condemned him to this existence...

Time passes, you do your best, but it seems as if God himself has turned away from you. You pray to all the saints, you beg the Virgin Mary - she is a mother too, she must hear, she cannot fail to understand! But nothing changes.

Your son is growing up, and every year his condition gets worse. His skin is covered with leprosy spots. His eyesight is getting worse. He's always tired, he can't live without the help of doctors and medicines. He's rotting alive. People look askance. People judge. People see a monster. All you see is your angel. Every day you swear to love and care for him, swear you won't leave him...

***

A young 16 years old boy wins a battle. How proud you are of him! How weak his body is, but how strong his spirit. But he too has his moments of vulnerability...

...Especially when he fully realises he doesn't have long to live. He seems to accept it - or pretend to accept it...

How do you feel?

How a mother might feel when she realises that she may see her son die? Bury the one she brought into this world. To live to see that moment is something she doesn't want to do.

Thank you if you read to the end! I'm crying right now😭

[cozymoko]

Tw EATING DISORDER

what would the sakamakis+tsukanamis do when they realize their s/o is developing an eating disorder?

:3

S/O WITH EATING DISORDER — SAKAMAKI

Note: I can only put a certain amount of pictures in per request so if you still want the Tsukinamis' please feel free to request again once my ask box is open!

Pairing: Sakamaki Brothers x gn! reader

Format: Headcanons

WARNING(S): eating disorder, force feeding, insensitive comments

Want more Diabolik lovers? → Masterlist! ★

SHU SAKAMAKI

Though not the most well-informed, he's far from being an idiot. He was already suspicious when you either faked eating during dinner or attempted to force the food down your throat. It was painfully evident. And when he found you bent over a toilet, retching out the remains, that was all the proof he needed.

Shu can't force you to do anything and he's aware of that, but he will still encourage you to do so. Frankly, he'd rather not have you starve to death due to your own stubbornness. Shu will follow you to hell and then bring you right back. He'll even try to play therapist and listen to what kick-started your god-awful eating habits.

“Haah, what a piece of work. You must really want to give me a heart attack, hm? Learn to rely on me, don't make me worry so much next time.”

REIJI SAKAMAKI

Out of all his brothers, Reiji will be the most understanding. Most of the Sakamaki has very limited knowledge involving the human body but he does not. After plunging his head in many books on the matter, that much should be clear. Thus it's likely you won't have too much trouble confining in him because of that.

There's no need for you to go hungry in any way while living in the manor. Despite how annoyed he may come off, Reiji is willing to go through all the potential solutions to lessen this burden on you. However, he does still remain the same in some aspects, threatening to punish you if you don't put forth some effort to eat.

“I've noticed your eating habits have become rather strange. Very well, I will create a new diet for you to regain your strength. It would be best that you follow it.”

AYATO SAKAMAKI

Unfortunately, he's pretty insensitive to things like this. He has no knowledge of mental health (though having plenty of his own) so Ayato won't try to act as he does. He'll probably say something terribly ignorant or even try to shove food down your throat, then turn around and wonder why you're so pissed at him.

It will take someone to smack some sense into him so he understands the severity of it. Even then he lacks the sentiments to truly comprehend what you're going through. But realistically, he'll probably push it off onto Reiji in the end. Of course, he cares, but such a "detailed" condition isn't his forte.

“Geez, just how long were you planning on keeping this from me? You belong to 'yours truly', and it'd be such a pain if you get any weaker. So rely on me, got it!”

KANATO SAKAMAKI

This is the last person I'd want to be stuck with in a situation like this. He's an absolute idiot on things like this, hands down. (I hate Kanato) In his mind, dolls don't have to eat so you must be perfectly fine, right? Expect you aren't a doll, nor a vampire at that so, of course, you need to eat.

As the days go by you grow noticbly weaker with no desire to do anything but wallow in your despair. Only then did he begin to take things seriously. The triplet has the most insufficient approach ever, it's not even comforting. Kanato will attempt to feed you and then get mad when you reject it. Despite his apparent concern, I highly doubt it'd make up for his thoughtlessness.

“You've grown so weak...Uu...why won't you talk to me? Uu...Don't you care for my feelings? I won't allow you to die on me; you can't leave me! I'll make sure of it!”

LAITO SAKAMAKI

He knows what an eating disorder is as Laito's been with his fair share of women. But that doesn't mean he's educated on the matter. Laito notices your standoffish demeanor right away, carefully eyeing you as he immediately puts two and two together. Yet, he won't act on it until he can find the root of your eating disorder. After all, we must start from the source~!

It'd be a shame if his favorite toy grew terribly ill so he offers to help you. Spending several hours arranging a new diet for you, feeding you small portions, and certainly boosting your confidence in the late hours of the night. Though he doesn't show it, Laito truly cares for your well-being and will do just about anything to ensure your recovery.

“You've been looking at your reflection for quite some time, little bitch. Have I not been tending to you enough~? Fufu, that won't do! Shall I fix that for you~?”

SUBARU SAKAMAKI

Once he found out about your eating disorder, Subaru loses it. His anger is in some way directed at you for not telling him; but also at himself for being so clueless about it. As you'd expect, his first course of action is intimidating you into eating, but a quiet whimper will stop him dead in his tracks. This calls for a different approach.

Subaru looks to Reiji for guidance, which comes as no shock. The vampire is in no place to be taking care of a human in any mental aspect, regardless of them being his lover. Even with this newfound information, it will do very little to decrease his snappiness towards you. But he's just worried and sure as hell doesn't wanna lose you!

“Don't push yourself too much, alright? Tch, 'worried?', it's not like that so shut up, damnit! I just...don't want you to leave me in the dark anymore...”

[10underoot2]

Character Study - The chilling warmth of Haein

Haein is a really misunderstood character. She has dark humour. She cares immensely but doesn't show it very openly. She hides her feelings cause she doesn't like to be vulnerable. She's very quick to say things that protect her emotions and she bites with her words just to protect herself. But all of this assertive feistiness comes at a cost. People tend to misunderstand and write Hong Haein off as mean, rude, cold and difficult to live/work with.

Her personality and tendency to appear uncaring has a lot to do with the lack of warmth she received by her family especially her mother. When she meets Hyunwoo she's no different, she puts on no pretences. Over time she warms up to him and shows him her softer more vulnerable side - all of which I'm sure aided in him falling for her deeply. But then that damned chasm occurs, and Hyunwoo much like the rest of the world forgets Haein's soft heart and soul that live underneath the iron clad armour she wears. It hurts me when I think about the pain she experienced realising she's misunderstood even from the man who once showered her with unyielding love and warmth.

Some incidents of Hyunwoo misunderstanding her are so interesting:

- The scene where Haein requests/orders Hyunwoo to accompany her to the hospital.

I love that it was shot from both perspectives. In her mind she sounds extremely soft and worried. It was a request meant to be delivered that way. I'm sure Haein couldn't register what her tone was because her intention were so soft. Why would he reject my request, He's free I'm just asking him to accompany me? But Hyunwoo had just heard about the will. That paired up with the continuous blows he's received the past two years were too much for him to take a moment and understand that this is how she's always spoken.

-The rain scene after their Yongduri night stay (I hold the belief that Haein did indeed often wait up for him).

Haein says: 'I really wasn't waiting for you.' to which Hyunwoo replies 'I know better than anyone, you're not the kind of person who would wait up for me.' In the scene you can see Haein slightly taken aback and offended by that. Because she is the kind of person who waits up for him. Her offence seems so justified. Because why can't Hyunwoo of all people see the real her. When did he forget to understand her? It must be so hurtful for her to think Hyunwoo's forgotten how warm she was with him. I imagine she used to wait up for him before the miscarriage but here she's listening to her husband say she's not that kind of person. (That little scene where Haein sits on the sofa waiting but Hyunwoo chose not to ask her if she was okay is my evidence! There was a post on this as well a while ago!)

It's also evident in her desire to run a hand over his shoulder to remove the dampness there. Her screaming at him to hold the umbrella properly. But he's so oblivious and deaf to her love that it hurts to witness.

- The bar after their day at the Lavender field in Germany at their honeymoon

Haein smiles and says, she wasn't angry after he told her that he had noticed no one else and that his eyes were only on her. But Hyunwoo remembers her being angry for another two hours. This scene was such a small example of it. What if Haein's anger did immediately dissipate but Hyunwoo just interpreted it as her still being angry. I can't offer any evidence as we don't see this scene but their different accounts make me think what if she was just feeling down but he assumed it was a continuation of her anger.

There are so many other examples sprinkled throughout the show as well. I started off really disliking her character but I've grown to really appreciate it. Because once you see how warm Hong Haein is in love, you'll see just how fierce, loyal and undying her conviction and mind is. She'll show and tell you in the most beautiful ways just how much she cares without ever telling you she loves you. She's not cold, she's just misunderstood.

Unfortunately though, life isn't a drama. So when people like this do exist, they tend to be written off as cold, harsh, unlovable. Humans have the potential to be infinitely complex creatures which is why it's been so interesting to see Haein's multi faceated character these past 8 weeks.

Just an additional thought: I also love the difference between Haein and Hyunwoo's business ideologies. Haein is sharp, to the point, efficiency, money and loyalty oriented. While Hyunwoo is soft, caring, warm and people oriented.

We see Hyunwoo's ideology against his father in law. When the FIL wanted to stab his long serving employee it was unfathomable for Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo's ties with the past employees of Queens got him so much information and support. His logical request to the manager of maintenance to make it snow comes after a long, good relationship - it's pretty evident in that scene. I loved how the show displayed Hyunwoo's ability to make deep and good relationships and how it ended up helping them to get Queens back. It's a hugeee contrast to how things run in the Hong Family. It was very fresh to see him show from his actions 'You can be nice and still get the job done'.

But even Hae-in's contacts, though acquired differently, are just as instrumental. The employee she took a stand for, the juice guy and Secretary Na. None of them would call her warm or soft but they would sing her praises if you ever ask them. It's such an interesting parallel between their characters. It also goes to show Haein is a good person, she just tends to show it very selectively and rarely. I do think the 1 Trillion club made her think of only money and efficiency for a while, but I still do believe she had been doing good away from public eyes, changing people's lives - it's just that no one was there to witness or publicize them.

[kteezy997]

Daddy’s Boy- Part Four//t.c.

Warnings: some sexual undertones and angst

Timmy joined you in the kitchen, and he said, “So, I can sense that you weren’t happy about me not calling Theo last night.”

“I wasn't very pleased, no. I know that this is all new to you, Timmy, but you’ll have to realize the seriousness of this. You can’t go making promises all the time without following through. You’ve got a child counting on you now. It's not a game."

“I understand.” he accepted your criticism humbly.

“I hope you do. It’s a lot of responsibility, it’s not just play time. He's going to put his trust in you, not just love. And you’re not always going to get along with him. He's a good kid, he's sweet, but he can be unruly. I don’t want to sound like I'm harping on you, but these are just the facts of being a parent."

“I know, I know. I won’t fail him again. I’ll be there for him. I want to be with him as much as he wants a father. I accept the responsibility. You’re not alone anymore, y/n.” he stepped closer to you.

You could feel something. Something in the air. You could feel a strange tension between you and him.

“But tell me, was it just Theo that was upset about me not calling, or was it you too?” He asked, a smirk toyed with the corners of his lips.

“Timmy, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” you were defiant. You knew he was on to you.

“Oh, no, I think you do.” he was walking towards you, lowering his gaze at you. "Look, I think about you all the time. I mean, even before we saw each other again. I haven't stopped loving you since we broke up."

"Timothee, we really don't need to get into it." And you didn't want to. It was one of the most painful points in your life.

"I'm sorry. I just feel like you were angry because you were waiting for me to call. It wasn't just about our son."

Wow. Hearing him referring to Theo as "our son," that...that was unexpected, and hot.

“Tell me, do you still think about us?”

You couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth, you opened your lips to speak, to answer him, but nothing came out.

“Because I do. I remember everything we used to do together.” he had now closed the space between the two of you. He was dangerously near. All of your senses had absorbed him. He smirked as he said, "I remember everything."

"Timothee." you warned. This was not good. You didn't know if you had the power to resist him. This was the only man you ever loved. He was good, kind, and you could see him becoming a great father. On top of it all, he had somehow gotten more good-looking in the last three years. How attracted you were to him in the past had nothing on the way you wanted him now. It was so unfair.

"What, y/n?" he stared at you, teasing, no real expression on his face other than desire. "I remember how much you loved my hands all over your body, my tongue...I can be that guy for you again. I have missed you, I've missed your body, I've missed our life together." His hands were on your waist.

Your heart thumped rapidly in your chest, you felt the longing in your groin. It would only take one move from either of you and it would be on. "No, Timmy, we have to think about Theo. We shouldn't do this."

"I love that little boy. I would do anything for him, and I'd do anything for you. I'll do anything to prove it." He slid his hands around to rest your lower back, "For now, just...be with me, my sweet girl."

Your hands landed softly on his chest as he pulled you close. You noticed how difficult it was to breathe in this moment. It was everything you had hoped for all this time, there were countless nights where you had dreamt this moment.

"No." you removed your hands from his body and backed out of his embrace. "I can't."

Timmy stood there for a second, then put his hands in his pockets awkwardly, "Okay. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed you felt the same way after all this time."

You sighed, nothing could be further from the truth. "Look, let's change the subject. Would you want to set up a schedule for when you'd spend time with Theo?"

"Yes, yeah, I'd love to."

..........

You referred to your calendar with reminders of play dates and appointments for Theo. Timmy gave you his work schedule as well. You told him of certain medications to give Theo for different situations, such as if he has a tummy ache, as well as his regular allergy medications.

You asked Timmy if he had a room that Theo could use as a bedroom for when he stayed over at his place. When he said yes, you suggested getting a humidifier for the boy's room to help him breathe better as he sleeps.

You gave Timmy your parent's phone numbers for future reference and emergencies, if he can't get ahold of you first. Timmy was focused as he listened to you, and he asked questions. You could tell that he was taking everything very seriously. You wanted to trust that he could take care of Theo, and you felt like everything was on track for that to happen.

"Well, he has a doctor's appointment next week. It's just a regular check up, nothing serious. But he doesn't like doctors very much. He's sensitive to the cold stethoscope, and he hates having that popsicle thing shoved in his mouth. But would you be willing to try and take him?"

"Yes, I want to step up and do those things. But what do I do if he starts to be difficult, do I scold him?"

"I don't do the gentle parenting thing. Just be firm with him, and don’t be afraid to get in his face. He tends to get embarrassed about certain things, so that could be to your advantage. He might feel ashamed if you make it seem like he's not acting his age. Also, you’re still new in his life, so he may not think you will discipline him, and he’ll try to get away with a lot. Don’t give in to that.”

"Okay, that's all great to know. I can improvise when the moment comes." he chuckled. "It's getting late, I'm sure you need to get to sleep soon, so I'll get out of your hair."

"Oh, I'll send you a list of foods he will eat, and stuff he will not eat. And other things if I can think of them." you got up from the table.

Timmy stood up as well, "Thanks, I appreciate it. And, I know you're just being a good mom, but would it be alright if I learn some things about him, from him? I don't want my relationship with my son to feel like it's coming from an instruction manual."

"Oh god, I'm doing too much, aren't I? I’m sorry.” you sighed, and ran your hand through your hair.

"No, no, it's okay." Timmy laughed, "You're doing a great job. I appreciate you helping me so much through this. But you can trust me with him. I’m going to mess up, it’s inevitable. But he's smart, he can let me know if I'm doing something wrong."

You put your hands on your hips, recalling the times your son has sassed you, "Oh, yeah, that's for sure. And I hate to come on so strongly when it comes to him, and maybe it’s too much, but I just want what’s best for him. I think you’ll do great, Timmy.”

He smiled, “Yeah, I totally get it, y/n.”

You smiled back at him, suddenly you felt the tiredness in your body. Your bed had been calling your name, but you couldn’t hear it because Timmy was around. He had a way of commanding your attention. “I’ll walk you out.”

………

“Well, I'll talk to you soon." He said as you walked toward the front door together. He stopped, leaned in and kissed your cheek. Then, he closed his eyes, "Sorry."

"It's okay." you said, brushing it off as if you felt nothing.

He shook his head, no doubt thinking of the past, how he'd kissed your cheek a million times. He said, "Goodnight." then walked to the door to leave.

"Timmy, wait." you said, not even knowing what you would do.

He stopped in his tracks, then turned toward you.

You went to him, put your hands on his face, you noticed the lines under the edges of his eyes; the smile lines that only added to his beauty. You had caught a glimpse of what your son would look like in twenty-five years’ time.

He watched you, tentatively. His gaze was soft as he looked down at you.

You closed your eyes, leaned in and kissed him.

@gatoenlaciudad @thebetawolfgirl @musicandbooksaremyhappyplace @softhecreator @tchalamss @bitchyunknownuser @lixzey @kpopgirlbtssvt @ducktapebar @aoi-targaryen @yukideadinside @mel-vaz @thatoneweirdgirl17 @iwishchalamet @jindongdongie @elloise0 @rennyd26 @briefkittenearthquake @that-one-fangirl69

[manicpixiefelix]

he wanted to be in love (but you got in the way)

{ One-Shot for head, heart, hand. }

Summary: When Oliver's lies are revealed to you and Felix, you have a much better time understanding his reasoning for it all, and Oliver convinces you to help talk Felix around into hopefully forgiving him. Felix, however, just grows more frustrated as it appears that you've very quickly moved on from the betray, and are urging him to do so too. Meanwhile, Oliver has come to realise that no matter the outcome, Felix will never really want anyone else if he has you by his side.

Need to Know: They/Them. Explicitly NB Reader. FWB!Reader/Felix. Reader is from a well off family but has pretty much been adopted by the Cattons.

Warnings: death (YOU DIE IN THIS ONE), murder via overdose, oliver's birthday party situation, oliver being incredibly manipulative, reader and felix arguing a lot, felix being a bit of a dick, angst with an unhappy ending, toxic felix/oliver endgame, heavy drinking and drug use

{ now with an epilogue }

A/N: 6267 words. ooft ouch ooft my heart. i dont like reader & fi fighting and this whole thing fucked me up bigtime. like bigtime bigtime. big angst, please heed the warnings. what do you think about this one? i like it even if it made me cryyyy

TAGLIST IN COMMENTS!! // TAGLIST ALWAYS OPEN ! (just message or comment to be added)

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"Please," Oliver's lip trembles when he grabs your sleeve. He doesn't try and chase Felix after you all get back from the disastrous trip to his parents' house, perhaps part of him knew he wouldn't get through to him in this state, so he latches on to you instead, "you- you know," and even just the helpless sense of desire in his voice is familiar to you, "I just wanted to be his friend, be your friend; be close to you both -" Oliver's fidgeting with your sleeve and your heart's breaking for him, despite the betrayal of his lies.

"Ollie-" you sighed, but he took both your hands in his, tears gathering in the beautiful blue eyes you've come to care so deeply about in the past year.

"I never meant any harm," he insists. His hands are shaking.

"I know, Ollie," you finally concede, giving his hands a gentle squeeze.

"He won't listen to me- won't believe me; please, please, I need you to believe me, I need Felix -" and though he can't seem to finish the request, it's enough. The lies he's told, what they mean for the friendship you've all forged, it makes you feel more than a little queasy, but you think you understand him. At least better than Felix would in this moment.

"I'll try," though your tone doesn't inspire confidence, "just give him space, give him time -"

"I don't have time," Oliver croaks out weakly, gave dropping to the floor, "he'll throw me out tomorrow and never look at me again," this time, when his grip on your hands tightens, it becomes almost painful, face scrunching up as if dreading the tears he was about to shed, the things he was about to say; "and even if you don't hate me the way he does, I'll be losing you too."

Your silence speaks volumes. You hate that he's right.

"You know you're the only hope I've got left." Oliver's nails dig into your skin, but your hands don't shake.

"I will try, that's all I can do."

By the time you get to your room, Felix is already cutting up lines of coke with a delicate little razor from one of the various stashes you and the other wards of the Saltburn Estate had hidden throughout the building over the years. He doesn't look up when you enter, quietly, and furiously focused on the task at hand, cross-legged in the middle of your bed.

Sitting behind him, you lean in to press your forehead between his shoulders, sighing deeply.

"Yeah," Felix mumbles, "it's a bit like that, isn't it?"

Squeezing your eyes closed, all you can see is the love and desperation in OIiver's eyes as he'd held you back, begged for your understanding, forgiveness, friendship -

"You never loved someone so much you'd do anything to keep them around?" You asked softly, and feel Felix go still, "you never lied about your family because you were worried about how people would react if they knew the truth?" The more you consider, the less anger you feel towards what Oliver had done.

"You're different," Felix's voice is carefully neutral. There's a pause, a snort, a line of white powder going up his nose, "you didn't pretend that your dad died just to get sympathy out of me," he points out, already picking at the threads of similarity that you'd laid before him in hopes of softening the betrayal he felt so strongly.

Then he's moving again, doing things you're still not sure of, forehead still pressed to the fabric of his shirt between his shoulders. Sighing, louder this time, you go to say something more, to try and argue your case further, but Felix cuts you off. It's the sharpest he's ever been with you, you think, practically orders you not to talk about this anymore.

Then, he shifts, he reaches for you behind himself, and you move with him, without prompting. Felix leans back, and you move to his side, allow yourself to settle your head on his chest, looking up at him. One hand loosely draped over you, Felix tucks his other behind his head, eyes closed; even if they were open, he wouldn't be looking at you.

"Just shut up about Ollie, just shut up -" his tone is much softer now, but his words still bite more than you're used to, "I don't want to hear anything about fucking Oliver Quick right now." There's a nausea twisting in your gut that you're unfamiliar with, heavy and upsetting, that you somehow know has everything to do with Felix's tone. Part of you feels so embarrassed for even feeling like this, for being so wrapped up in pleasing him that even the slightest hint of disapproval for the first time in years has you so viscerally uncomfortable.

The other part of you ducks your gaze, and curls up against his side, obedient.

"Sure, Fi."

A long silence, softened only by Felix's deep breathing for several long moments before you finally feel him relax.

"I love you," it sounds almost like an apology. You wonder if he knows how to do that. Still, the nausea in your gut immediately begins to clear. This time, when you close your eyes, you try to just be present in the moment for what it is, Felix's arm around you, his steady heartbeat warm beneath your ear; you can find contentment here if you tried.

Much to your chagrin, Felix's mood and feelings of betrayal also meant he was no longer interested in the full costume you'd put together for him for Oliver's birthday party. He's well aware his mother would be appalled if he just showed up in jeans and a shirt, so he reluctantly pulls on the wings you'd spray painted up on the roof a few days before.

"I put time into this, Fi," you pleaded softly, looking at the rest of the costume you'd put together hanging sadly, untouched in his wardrobe.

"Maybe I just want to save it for a happy occasion," Felix refused to even sit down at the dresser, despite where you'd neatly set out both of your accessories for the night. He doesn't even spare the various, gold accoutrements that you'd curated for his costume a second glance, simply fusses with his hair in a way that won't even last.

"You're being ridiculous about this," you finally voice, unable to stop yourself, "he's still Our Oliver, his family doesn't change that -"

Felix goes still in the mirror, expression displeased when he meets your eyes in the reflection. Nausea again. You never want him to look at you like this ever again; you half want to apologise already.

"I don't care about his family, I care about how I don't know if I can believe anything he says! He lied to you, to me, he was clearly lying to his family, considering they have no idea he'd be nothing but a fucking joke at uni if it wasn't for me!" The outburst blindsides you, it seems to even blindside Felix, who has to take a few moments to compose himself before he can look you in the eyes again. Softly, that look of betrayal is turned upon you, "how can you be okay with that?"

A million answers blow through your mind - love, compartmentalisation, hypocrisy - but none feel right. There's no way for you to justify this to Felix, at least, not one that would make him happy, make him understand.

"Our Oliver-" but as he's standing, he cuts himself off, shaking his head, "Your Oliver -" but the words get stuck in his throat. After a beat, he scrubs his face over his hands, "I just don't understand," far calmer, he lets out a deep breath and continues, "how you got over this so fast," but before you can answer, his eyes open, and there's no fire, nor fury, just hurt; "and I need you right now, but not if you're going to be like this."

Oh, you're going to be sick.

It's apologies that spew out of you, nervous, still only half ready, and regretting every word that made Felix look at you like that. He tries awkwardly to tell you that it's not that bad, that he just wishes it felt like you were on his team. Insisting that you are gets you a weak smile from your best friend, but he still leaves seeming unconvinced.

There are voices outside, on the grounds. The party has begun, the sun will be set soon.

Half of your costume hangs up beside Felix's, your elegant, green gossamer robe shining next to the matching, gold gossamer pirate shirt that you had made for Felix. Neither leave the wardrobe, and perhaps you are underdressed in what was basically a set of incredibly ornate, bejewelled, and bedazzled lingerie, and boots, but you couldn't even bring yourself to care.

Perhaps, you consider, if Felix had blown up before you'd gotten this much on, you'd be as dressed down as he was for the event.

Before you leave, however, you go to double check yourself in the mirror, and don't think to knock. Oliver catches sight of you in the mirror before you properly realise he's there. Both freeze, both deer trapped in each other's proverbial headlights. Both with red-rimmed eyes. You wonder if he knows, if he waited with baited breath and an ear pressed to the bedroom door as Felix tore him down and you immediately gave him up to keep your best friend happy.

"You look like a dream," Oliver's voice is hoarse, and he turns to properly face you, to give your costume a generous look over, "merry wanderer of the night," he offers, meeting your gaze again. The line, pulled straight from the play upon which the whole night was based, was one you'd gleefully recounted to him when you told him you would be going as Puck.

There's a slight, sad smile on his lips, a shyness to the way he leans against the counter, but none of the awkwardness he carries around others. There, in his boxers alone, you realise how vulnerable he truly is in this moment, the moment you've so callously interrupted. But Oliver doesn't call you out, nor does he shy away from your gaze.

All words have escaped you in this moment, however. Even the idea of Felix's reaction to his moment makes you feel ill, but part of your heart still breaks for Oliver, for this boy so overwhelmed with love that he would do anything for it.

"I can go," Oliver says softly, apologetically, when you seem frozen even still. It breaks you out, however, and you shake your head vigorously.

"No, its okay Ollie."

"Your," he says slowly, pointedly, "Ollie." He'd heard. Fuck; how much? "I heard all of it," he admits slowly, approaching you. This time, you are the wild animal, cornered in the bathroom. Oliver doesn't look at you like prey, he doesn't approach you like a predator; he doesn't want to spook you, "I didn't mean to get between you and Felix," his voice is soft, and he sniffles a little, but tries to smile through it, "ever; back at Oxford, over Summer, ever."

But you can't bring yourself to look at him. Gently, you loop a finger through the fine, silver chain around his throat, keeping your gaze focused on it without ever tugging it too hard.

"I'm trying," you whisper, voice watery despite your best effort, tears gathering in your eyes, "but I -"

Oliver pulls you into a hug as the damn finally bursts, and the tension, the pressure of the day that had already been pressing down upon you finally breaks. Oliver lets you cry on his shoulder, petting your hair gently.

"But you're a good dog," he murmured as he pressed a kiss to your temple, and you're too distraught to catch the echoes of resentment in his tone.

"It's all I know how to be!"

"I know, pet, I know."

Once you've calmed down, you apologise for your outburst, for having him comfort you at a time like this. There's something different about him, about his smile, the look in his eyes, as he just assures you that it's fine, that he's going to still try and enjoy his night.

After cleaning yourself up and fixing your makeup, finally you make it downstairs. There's more people on the first floor than you'd been expecting, so you have to worm your way through the crowd to search for Felix.

"My gentle puck, come hither!" Felix voice rises through the crowd; if your ears could prick up, they probably would. Just the brightness in his voice lifts you from your melancholy, and when you finally reach him you're beaming.

And he's already drunk.

Which you would like to be too. As if anticipating your requests, he puts two fruity looking drinks in your hands, and picks up another two with a wide smile. You trot along behind him as he cuts a path through the crowd towards the sofas where your friends from Oxford had found themselves. A cheer rises when they see you, all glad for your company, all desperate to hear how your Summer had been so far.

At first, you're simply sitting on the arm of the sofa, beside Felix, bright and animatedly engaging in conversation with the others. Felix finishes his first drink and his arm goes around India, tucked up against his other side, but as soon as his second drink is finished, and you've leaned across him to put your own empty cup on the coffee table between you all, he uses it as an excuse to pull you into his lap.

"Felix," India says when she means what the fuck are you playing at right now? Felix gives a surprisingly cold smile, his hand slipping from her shoulder, moving lower to grip her side rather possessively. You simply wait, ready to move at a moment's notice.

"What?" There's something biting in Felix's voice, something that sounds so uncharacteristically mean as he raises his voice enough for the group to hear, "aren't you all still deluding yourselves about me and Y/N? Don't you still think we're related - or whatever it was Farleigh told you all?" Immediately the tension in your little circle of friends spikes. Felix's hand is practically between your thighs, gripping your thigh like he owns you. In any other circumstance you'd probably enjoy this, but every single one of your friends is suddenly looking at you like they'd never seen you before.

"You hot people disgust me," India finally breaks the tension flippantly, and everyone else cackles with laughter. Felix does actually grin at her, leaning in to kiss her cheek.

"No we don't," he teases gently, and India tries to continue playing at being annoyed, by insisting that she needs something stronger than the bar could offer. As she stands, she looks back, holding out her hands to you and Felix.

"Come on, disgusting hot people; I know you're both already high and probably want some more."

"Knew there was a reason I liked you, India," you grinned, glad to have escaped that encounter without much of a mental or physical scratch, though Felix does make a point of grabbing your ass as you stand, even with India holding his other hand.

However you're another line deep in the bathroom, with India, Felix, and two of the others who'd followed along, when that good mood evaporates. Oliver stands in the door, waiting, watching; you're the first to notice him, to catch his gaze properly, but all he does is clear his throat. Felix looks to him when Oliver finally calls his name, but pointedly acts like he doesn't in the next moment.

"Can I, er, talk to you for one second?" Oliver asks faintly, but is met with no response. Instead of looking at Oliver, Felix momentarily flicks a frustrated gaze at you, like he feels your sudden discomfort and fidgeting is a personal betrayal, "you can't ignore me forever," Oliver tries, but Felix gives him a cold smile.

"I can try."

"Fi," you hissed, but all you get is another glare.

"Felix, we need to talk," Oliver was begging now, but he turned his attention to you, pleading, "can you get him to please listen to me, just for a moment -" but his words have your heart freezing in your chest. You can't even stutter Felix's name out before he's dismissing you both.

"I tried being nice about this," Felix huffed, "but if you're still insisting on playing Devil's Advocate for him, the both of you can fuck off and go bother the rest of the party." He relights his cigarette, but he doesn't even look at you once. One more time you try, reaching out, apology on your tongue, but he shrugs you off and finally gives a cutting look, "no I told you, okay? You're over it; fucking great for you. I'm not, and I don't have to be, so piss off and be over it away from me."

You stand, momentarily unsteady on your feet before you regain your balance and head to the door. Everything in your mind is a mess of emotions. The drugs and alcohol are sending you into overdrive, though neither is the reason you're feeling so sick. Still, while you know where Felix is coming from, one look at Oliver as you reach the door and you can't help but stop. Turning back, you hope Felix can read how damn hurt you are by all this;

"I'm not a monster for having a heart, Felix."

And you take some small victory from the surprise in his eyes. Before he can respond, however, you grab Oliver's hand and lead him away.

With another two fruity drinks, you and Oliver sit on the edge of the fountain outside, watching the revelry, mirroring each other's weary slump.

"How are you finding your birthday party?" You asked lamely after a few minutes. Oliver took a few moments to deliberate, while you sipped down your drink quite quickly.

"Don't know anyone," he says mildly, "and the people I do know think I'm a joke -" right, he'd heard Felix's earlier comments about the group from Oxford's feelings, "and I was aware kind of from the start of knowing youse," he casts his gaze to you now, turning to you, eyes meeting yours, "that my two best friends were bonded like those cats at the shelter, the kind you can't separate from each other or they'll cry all day and refuse to eat until you put them back together," the smile he gives you is humourless, and doesn't even reach his eyes, "but one hates me and the other has no spine," he shrugged like he hadn't just insulted you, going back to people-watching, "so I don't think it'll go down as my best birthday ever."

"I have a spine," you scowled, as if straightening your posture proved his point at all.

"Why? You don't need it," still as mild as before, Oliver takes a long, loud sip of his drink, "you've got Felix."

"I'm trying to help you, Oliver, I swear -"

"You don't know how to stand up for yourself, Y/N," this time, the look that he gives you is simply pitying, "I'm sorry I asked you to try and stand up for me." The words ache like a punch to the gut, "you're not even trying to help me for me, or for how much you supposedly love me; you love that I love Felix."

"Oliver, I love you!" You insisted through angry tears and gritted teeth, "how your mind works, how you figure things out, the books you like, the way you're constantly watching and cataloguing and remembering, it shows you care about the world around you and the people in it. I love that you're obsessive and ambitious and that you can be ruthless -" it comes out messy and unrehearsed, but you slowly see the shock and genuine awe on Oliver's face as he comes to terms with the fact that you're being genuine. For the first time all evening, you think you see guilt in his eyes. It's gone too fast, Oliver turning away.

"I love you too," he says gently, following it carefully with, "but we both know who you crawl into bed with at the end of every night." Then, under his breath, sounding so forlorn, "do not separate."

"Oliver-" but he stands, stretches, and finishes off his beer.

"He's probably already missing you, waiting to forgive you," he puts his empty beer bottle down on the edge of the fountain, and for just a moment, he reaches out and gently holds your face. Nothing is said, but there's endless, unreadable emotions in his eyes as he gazes into yours.

Then he's gone.

Making your way back to the estate itself, you forgo looking for Felix, half ashamed of the idea that Oliver was right, and instead slip beneath the velvet rope that cordoned off the upper floors of the house. Back in your bedroom, the stash of coke Felix had raided before the party was still reasonably well stocked, and the bottle of bourbon that you'd stashed in the broken piano last Christmas was thankfully untouched. There was something seriously sad, you think to yourself, about drinking and snorting alone in your room, upstairs from a party where you know your friends are all doing it too. But you don't want to see them. Don't want to see anyone.

The remainder of yours and Felix's matching outfits taunt you silently from the closet door on which they hang. They're beautiful and vapid and cold; you hate them.

"Oh, sorry, didn't realise you were -" it's Felix at the door - of course it is, who else would it be? - who startles you out of your thoughts. There's no frustration in his eyes anymore, no anger, just surprise. His gaze roams over you, from the drugs balanced on your knee to the half-full bottle cradled in your lap, "you okay?" Oliver's right, of course. Oliver's right about a lot of things.

"Yeah," you sniffle, taking another swig of the drink, "what did you need?"

"Think they're gonna sing happy birthday to Ollie soon," Felix leans against the doorframe. You share in an awkward silence for a long moment.

"That why you're here?"

"I came up to see if there was any of that coke left from before," he says, looking at the mirror on your knee and the still mostly full baggie on the bed next to you. Then, he gives a sheepish little grin, "yeah," he admits.

"We should be down there," you say without thinking. Felix's expression falls, and he kicks at the doorframe for a moment, "you do care about his family," spills from you; you're not even sure from where. Felix's expression grows darker.

"Why are you so insistent about doing this?"

"Because you love him, Felix," you remind him firmly, before putting down the bottle and rolling up the already significantly curved bill beside you, "and he loves you, and you know that," picking up the mirror, you make short work of the last line to avoid looking at Felix. Dragging your finger across the glass, you pick up the last of the residue, wiping it on your gums. Your hands remain busy as you pack the remainder of it all into the little, wooden box it was kept in, as you spoke, "you hate the parts of you he figured out, the buttons he learned how to push; Oliver," you snapped the box shut, looking up at him, "was too good to be true, and that's why you're hurt; you're scared it's like Eddie all over again, too good to be true -"

"You shut up about Eddie -" Felix warned, but you stood, box in hand, approaching him with a fierce, intoxicated determination.

"Eddie was never too good, you were just in love! Eddie wasn't even loyal!" You cried, shoving him with the box, letting out a desperate sentiment that you'd let fester in the darkest part of your heart for over a year, "he was never going to be loyal! He never loved you as much as you loved him! Never! And you were so blinded by how happy he seemed to be with this 'better life' you were offering him, you could never bloody see it -"

"You are drunk and high," Felix spits at you, clearly holding himself back from tears.

"But all I ever want is you to be happy," hanging your head, you push the box into his grip and stumble back to the bed, searching for the bottle, "why can't you trust me about this?"

"Oliver fucking lie to me, betrayed me -"

"Us!" You shouted, unscrewing the lid with vigour, "to keep you in his life. You just don't like what the lies he used to keep you around say about you." And with that you furiously started chugging more of the drink.

"I'm done with you," Felix's voice is weak, hands coming up to cover his face. Lowering the bottle, all you can do is stare at him. It's like you've been splashed with ice water.

"Fi -"

"I need space; I need you out of my room for the rest of Summer."

"Fi, please -"

"I thought you were fucking better than this!" He snapped, finally stalking away, while you were too disorientated to even go after him.

The first thing you manage to do is stumble to the bathroom and throw your guts up into the sink. Physically you feel a bit better, but the nausea you can now tell is psychological. Downstairs, though you don't know how much time has passed, the house has transformed itself into a rave. Too bright. Too hot. Too sticky. You think you catch sight of Ollie, but your gaze quickly moves to Felix, silhouetted by neon and haze, looking like an angel. Beside him, India sparkles and giggles and her hands are all over him. You want him to be happy, you don't want to interrupt but you have to -

Someone catches you before you faceplant in the middle of the dancefloor, and it turns out it is Oliver.

"You look like a bit of a mess," he says, aiming for a light, joking tone, but it almost sets you off. Seeing you about to start crying, Oliver starts to panic, and suggests the two of you get some air. Though you want to protest, you see Felix and India, hand in hand, making their way to the side doors. Oliver, champagne in one hand, has his other arm under yours, supporting you as the two of you made your way out too.

The night air is cool, a sharp contrast from inside, so sharp it almost stings.

"I should'a kept my mouth shut," you whimpered, "I didn't need a spine, why did I listen to you?" Oliver is simply quiet, listening to you ramble, getting the gist of what had happened between you and Felix as you slowly made your way to the maze.

"I don't wanna go in," you whispered at the entrance, looking down it's tall, green corridor. Oliver looked at you strangely.

"Worried you'll get lost?"

"I could never get lost, Felix made sure of that plenty of times." Carefully, you extract yourself from Oliver, sitting cross-legged by the entrance of the maze, looking out over the rest of Saltburn with your back to the hedges; Oliver watches you curiously, "I can wait for Fi here."

"I can't wait," Oliver finally says, "I don't have the time. I have to try."

You, surprisingly serene and content with your decision, more at peace than you'd been during the entire walk over, make no attempt to stop him. You just tell him you'll be here when he gets back. This time you genuinely smile, insisting he go in without you.

"I'll be here, I promise; I'll wait."

So he goes, and you listen to his footsteps retreating. After a few minutes, however, he returns.

"I think you need this more than I do," and he hands you the bottle of champagne he'd been carrying. Turns out there's only really a quarter of the bottle left, but at least you think it won't be enough to make you sick again.

As frustrated as Felix could get, he's never not forgiven you. That's all you can think about as you finish off the bottle.

You would apologise. You would make it up to him. You could make this better again.

Except...

Hang on, wait, who was that who just ran out of the maze? Someone ran out of the maze? You were pretty sure someone did anyways... maybe India, if Oliver had confronted -

Oliver is the second to escape the maze. Instead of heading directly back, he waits, unseen for Felix to leave, observing the way he'd stumble out, not even glancing around enough to see you on the ground in the shadow of the maze itself. Once he was sure he was alone, Oliver crept over to your catatonic body, mouth agape, bottle still clutched but empty in one hand. Still breathing, though it was shallow, he checked your pulse only to feel a heartrate like a humming bird. If he called out now, Felix could hear him, could get help, could save your life.

But Felix would want for nothing as long as he had you by his side.

When you start convulsing, Oliver leaps away, startled. But he watches, and remains quiet. He takes the bottle, and just for a moment presses his forehead to yours.

"I'm sorry," it almost gets caught in his throat, "I loved you, I promise I did."

And he leaves.

Oliver wakes to a knock on the door. While Felix doesn't exactly seem happy to see him, it appears he has bigger things to worry about.

"Is Y/N in here?" He cuts right to the chase; there's dark circles under his eyes.

"Have you gotten any sleep?" Oliver yawns. Felix shifts his weight from one foot to the other.

"I've checked literally every other room in this house," ignoring him, Felix explains himself, "I told them last night I wanted them to stay somewhere else, but I didn't mean it," he frowns, peering around Oliver as best he could, trying to see for himself. Oliver, who already knew this, but still played dumb, went wide-eyed.

"You didn't talk to them last night?"

"I was talking to them a lot last night -"

"They were waiting outside the maze for you; they were there when I left."

Oliver's never seen Felix run so fast.

It takes Duncan informing the rest of the family over breakfast that a gardener has spotted Felix sat by the edge of the maze for the past hour, to clear up his whereabouts.

"And have you heard from Y/N?" Elspeth adds, though Venetia buts in.

"Probably at the maze with Felix," she rolls her eyes; Oliver looks at his eggs, his runny, sickening eggs, and keeps his mouth shut. Elspeth sighs and requests someone go and collect them, tell them that lunch is ready, and promptly directs a smile at Oliver, asking how he'd enjoyed his birthday.

Oliver's halfway through an awkward thanks, assuring her it was grand, before Duncan re-enters. For the first time since Oliver first laid eyes on him, he looks genuinely shaken.

"I, uh, I do apologise," his words keep getting caught, and he can't seem to focus his gaze for too long, "I have some tragic news; Captain Y/N has passed away."

The world stops.

Felix Catton sits in the shadow of the hedge maze with you, his best friend, the love of his life, dead in his arms.

"I thought you were fucking better than this!"

His last words to you echo endlessly in his head as he cradles you to him. He'd found you slumped over at a painful angle, clearly having been sitting cross-legged on the grass, waiting, just as Oliver had said, still wearing part of the outfit you'd prepared. You looked so cold, so he'd wrapped you up in the robe he'd been wearing, maroon; you'd always said it was your favourite of his, but you'd never wear it, said it looked better on him.

"Can't believe I made you wait," it wasn't the first time he'd muttered it since finding you, "I'm so sorry, I won't do it again," he assured, and leaned in, pressing his forehead to your cold shoulder and collarbone, "and I didn't mean it about needing space from you; I couldn't even do it for one night, I got so lonely I spent the entire night searching all hundred and bloody something rooms we have, for you."

"Felix?" Venetia's voice is the first one he's heard since Oliver's, and it shakes, "Feef?" And maybe it's the way he can tell she's started crying, or the nickname he hasn't heard since he was six, but it all hits him at once. Finally he starts to cry, the shock giving way to anguish as Venetia drapes herself over him at the sight of you. Farleigh goes into shock, silent, falling to his knees before he brings his head down too, completely shutting down.

Oliver doesn't know how to react, doesn't know if he can. He stands back from the others, back from even James and Elspeth, silent. He did what he had to do. It takes him a long time to realise he's even started crying too.

Elspeth and Sir James try to keep up a sense of normalcy around the house, but barely anyone is able to keep up. Farleigh and Venetia show up and barely speak, Oliver can't bring himself to even look at anyone at the dining table, and Felix hasn't shown up for three days straight. He's been locked in his room, and none of them blame him.

None of the others know that he comes out at night. Well, he opens the door during the day since the staff have started leaving plates of food for him at his mother's request. But during the night, Felix leaves his room to crawl into Oliver's bed. Oliver never makes comments, but he always makes room, and Felix still hasn't kicked him out of the house. Small steps to victory.

"All those lies, all that shit you told us, you did it because you'd do anything to keep us around," on the third night, Felix speaks into the darkness, back to Oliver under the expensive sheets.

"To keep you around," Oliver corrected quietly, "I knew as long as I had you around, I would have them too." After a few moments, he could hear Felix start to sniffle. Carefully, testing his luck, Oliver shuffled around to face Felix. Wriggling closer, he draped an arm over Felix's chest and pulled him close, pressing himself against Felix's back. In the moment, Felix takes Oliver's hand and laces their fingers together.

"They always loved you, Felix; I never saw anything like it."

Small steps to victory.

At your funeral, Felix finally sees your parents. He wonders if looking at them is anything like looking at the idea of who you would have grown into. He doesn't think so; their expressions are so cold beneath their performance of grief.

They do, however, seek him out, ask his name, and hand him a framed photo. They say they won't be needed it anymore. It's you and Felix beneath the Eiffel Tower, arms around each other, each of you using your free hand to together form a heart between you, laughing at something just off camera. Oliver makes a disdainful remark about your parents, but slips his hand in Felix's, and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

Elspeth asks if Felix wants to keep the photo in his room, and when he remarks that he doesn't know, she suggests it gets placed with the other family photos over the fireplace in the television room. It fits in perfectly.

"I love you," Felix mumbles in the dead of night, pressed up along Oliver's back, lips in his hair, arm around him, "like proper love you." Oliver is quiet, "the kind of love I've been wanting to tell you for a while, but now I'm terrified that the reasons I love you aren't even real."

It's been a few weeks, he's intergraded back into life at home, but has taken a leave of absence from Oxford. As has Oliver. He still hasn't left Saltburn, he wonders if he ever will, if he ever has to.

"What parts?" Oliver said, voice barely more than a whisper, "I'll never lie to you again; I want you to know the truth of me." There's a rush of electricity, his fingers and toes feel all tingly; he doesn't want to sound too enthusiastic, but can't help but feel a giddy rush.

"I like how you can figure heaps of stuff out, but," Felix hesitates and hums, "I don't think I like what you figured out about me," he admits.

"I'll never bring that up again," Oliver reassures him, but Felix just hums once more, "and I figured out more stuff about you, good stuff; I figured out what made me love you too."

Felix presses a kiss to the back of his head. He doesn't smile, but that's to be expected nowadays. Felix doesn't really smile a lot anymore.

But Oliver takes it for what it is; his victory.

{ epilogue }

[yumiblogs]

Ok my Request 😏

Main Plot . Changbin comes home to reader after stress at work (idol/non idol whichever you prefer) he wants to sleep but reader won’t let him,maybe Changbin says something like use my thigh or just use me then but slowly he gets turned on and DIVES in

Changbin x fem reader

Thigh riding obviously,hickeys,oral f/m receiving,Dom Changbin (when he’s turned on),dry humping,neck/ear licking,biting,cockwarming,

Dont have to use all above just some suggestions would love the first one tho again obviously cause I’m dark and weird

PS I enjoy reading you material thanks for writing what you write 🖤

Giving Into Pleasure // Stray Kids Changbin

Masterlist

Warnings: Unprotected Sex, Cockwarming, Thigh Riding, Nipple play, Biting, Rough sex, Licking, dry humoing… (if there’s some I missed please let me know)

Want to read more? Check out my other posts ⬇️

Masterlist

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It was a long day for Changbin, exhausted from all the rehearsals, lessons, and preparations for their upcoming album. All he wanted to do was crawl into bed and forget about the stress of the day the moment he gets home.

"Changbin, I... I've been waiting for you," whispered Y/N, her voice laced with desire. Changbin could see it in her eyes.

"Y/N, what's going on? I thought we agreed to take it slow tonight," Changbin said, trying to keep his tone soft yet firm. Y/N looked down, her cheeks flushed with a rosy glow. "I... I'm sorry, Changbin. I just couldn't help myself. I've been so turned on all day, thinking about you. I need you right now," she confessed, her voice barely above a whisper.

Changbin sighed, feeling both sympathy and arousal for Y/N. But tonight, he was just too tired to engage in a full-blown session. "y/n, I understand how you feel, but I'm really exhausted. Maybe we can just cuddle tonight, and I promise we'll have proper sex tomorrow," Changbin suggested, hoping she’d cave in.

Y/N looked up at him, her eyes pleading. "Changbin, please. I can't help it. I just need you inside me, I need something.” she pleaded, her voice barely above a whisper. Changbin hesitated, torn between his fatigue and Y/N's unquenchable thirst for pleasure. As much as he wanted to deny her request, he couldn't bring himself to do so.

"I guess... maybe you could just use my thigh," Changbin conceded, giving in to her needy state. "But I don't have the energy to do more." Y/n’s eyes twinkled with excitement. They headed to the couch then she climbed onto Changbin's lap, straddling him, her skirt riding up to reveal her smooth, toned thighs. As y/n began to move her hips gently, grinding on top of Changbin's thigh, he couldn't help but slightly moan in pleasure. The sensation of her body against his was really waking him up, it pained him not be able to have the energy he usually had when they were intimate or he’ll defiantly pin her down in a matter of seconds and ruin her.

Y/n’s hands roamed over Changbin's chest as she continued to rock her hips forward and backwards. Changbin's eyes were closed, his head thrown back in ecstasy. But as Y/N continued to grind against him, he couldn't help but reach down, his hand cupping her ass and pulling her closer.

"Oh, Changbin," y/n murmured, her eyes locked onto his. "You're so naughty…" Changbin didn't respond, lost in the sensation of Y/N's body against his. His hands began to explore her curves, squeezing her ass and pulling her even closer. Y/n let out a moan, her hips moving faster as she rode Changbin's thigh. She leaned in, her lips brushing against his ear as she whispered dirty words that sent shivers down his spine.

Changbin groaned, his hands gripping Y/N's hips tightly. "Fuck, Y/N," he groaned under his breath, Y/n’s arousal dripping over Changbins thick thigh, she kept grinding, holding onto his shoulders. As the tension between them continued to build, Changbin couldn't help but feel his cock growing, now straining against his pants, begging for release.

Y/N noticed the growing bulge, her eyes widening with desire. "Mmm, someone's getting excited," she whispered onto Changbins ear, her hands moving to Changbin's belt buckle. Changbin's eyes fluttered open, meeting Y/N's gaze. "Don't," he pleaded, his voice barely above a whisper. "I don't have the energy…"

But Y/N wasn't one to back down. She undid Changbin's belt, her fingers deftly unzipping his pants and pulling them down just enough to release his throbbing cock. Changbin gasped, his hands instinctively reaching for Y/N's hips as she lifted herself swinging her leg that was between Changbins legs and positioned herself to be on top of him, both her legs on each side of his hips as she rested her arms on his shoulders.

She reached down, her fingers wrapping around his shaft as she began to stroke him gently. His cock between the two. "Oh, Y/N. That feels so good," Changbin moaned, his eyes closing as he surrendered to her touch.

Y/n grinned, her eyes never leaving his cock. "I know, Changbin. I can tell how much you love this. How much you love me touching you like this," she said, her hand moving faster as she increased the pressure. Changbin groaned, his hips thrusting involuntarily into her hand. "y/n, you're driving me crazy. I can't take much more of this," he panted, his voice filled with desire.

“Changbin…” y/n said, almost as a whisper. "Alright, y/n we can try cockwarming but nothing more” Changbin looked at y/n, nodding slowly. "Are you sure, baby?" y/n asked, her voice filled with desire. "I can stop if you want." She continued. “It’s okay…” Changbin pecked y/n’s lips and nodded again. Her hand still stroking his cock.

Changbin groaned, his body trembling with desire. "y/n, i know how much longer I can hold back," he panted, his voice filled with need. Y/n grinned, her eyes never leaving his cock. "That's the idea, Changbin. Now, let's do this," she said, her hand guiding his cock towards her soaking wet pussy as she lifted herself just enough.

As Changbin's cock brushed against her wet folds, y/n let out a soft moan, her hips bucking involuntarily. "Changbin. I need you inside me.” she said as she began to slide down into Changbins thick cock. Y/n cried out in pleasure, her body writhing as Changbin filled her completely. Changbin watched her every move and expression, his hands gripping her hips as he held her in place, slowly giving in into the pleasure, not being able to resist.

"Oh, Changbin," Y/N whimpered, her fingers digging into his shoulders. "You feel so good inside me." Changbin watched y/n’s expressions as she clenched around his cock. “Fuck it” Changbin then held y/n in place as he thrusted into her with urgency. The room was filled with the sound of their gasps and moans, the tension between them reaching another level.

Changbin's cock throbbed at her moans as y/n gasped and threw her head back in pleasure. Changbin held y/n tight, his hands gripping her hips as he began to thrust into her, each movement deepening the connection between them. Y/n's moans grew louder with each thrust, her nails digging into Changbin's shoulders as she rode the waves of pleasure. "Faster," Y/N pleaded, her hips rocking in perfect rhythm with Changbin's. "Harder, yes, just like that." Changbin obliged, his cock sliding in and out of y/n's tight pussy with ease. The sound of their bodies slapping together filled the room, mingling with y/n's soft moans and Changbin's deep grunts of pleasure.

Y/N's breasts bounced with each thrust, her nipples hard and begging for attention. Changbin leaned in, capturing one of y/n's erect nipples between his lips, teasing it with his tongue, slowly biting it as Y/N continued to ride him. "Uhh, yes…" y/n cried, her voice hoarse with desire. "Just like that, harder, fuck me h-harder…"

Changbin groaned in response, his hips thrusting against y/n hips, his cock buried deep inside her. Her pussy clenched around him, her orgasm building up. "I-Im so close Bin…" y/n panted, her breath coming in ragged gasps. "Bin, I'm going to cum-", Changbin's gripped on y/ns hips as he help her in place fucking into her faster. Her pussy tightened around his cock, "Fuck, Y/N," he growled, his voice hoarse with desire. "I'm going to cum inside you and you’re gonna like it” Changbin said. Y/n's eyes widened with pleasure, her body trembling as she neared her climax. "Cum for me, baby," she panted, her voice filled with desire. "Cum inside me."

Changbin's eyes rolled back in pleasure, his body tensing as he reached the point of no return. With a final, powerful thrust, he buried himself deep inside y/n and let out a deep groan as he released his load inside her. Y/n collapsed onto Changbin's chest, her body spent from the intense pleasure. They lay there, their hearts pounding in unison as they caught their breath.

"Thanks for helping me relax, y/n," he whispered, his voice filled with affection. Y/n snuggled closer, her eyes fluttering closed as she whispered back, "Anytime, baby. That's what I'm here for."

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Hai! Okay look… I’m sorry I left this in the drafts for so long 😭 ANYWAYS I’m back and for real this time (don’t take my word for it lol) I’ll write the requests that I have to make up for it okay? THANK YOU for being SUPER patient with me 😅🫶🏼

Any tips or recommendations will be appreciated, shoot me a dm or a request! (Read my pinned post at the bottom of the Masterlist 😊)

[queerautism]

Since you have experience with vaginismus can I ask you for some advice?

I've never been able to complete a pap smear, I've been so tight they've given up each time. My doctors insist that it's fine not to do the test since I'm not sexually active, but I'm still worried

I'm really hesitant to use dilators, the very idea of something going in there is dysphoric as hell and I'd rather just never have to go through that

I guess I'm saying I really don't mind having vaginismus, but I'm worried that it's bad for my health long term. Every single source I look up talks about curing it, not for health reasons but because vaginal sex is obviously always desired for people with vaginas (sarcasm)

I'm always happy to talk about it and give advice if I can. Honestly, I was genuinely really worried about not being able to do pap smears, since I had already not been able to get other related care due to vaginismus. So it was basically my main motivation for working with the dilators. And now that I'm dealing with the possibility of uterine cancer and all the tests that will go along with that, I'm extremely glad I decided to do it.

If you are not sexually active in any way at all, your risk is very low and I've been told before in these cases a pap smear might be recommend just in case every five years. I wouldn't be super worried if you genuinely just can't do it!

I don't believe you have to cure or improve vaginismus if you don't want to, and the way a lot of resources talk about it like there's this obligation for people with vaginas to be available for this specific type of sex is gross, it makes me so angry.

But for me personally, working to improve it is really worth it for many reasons. Reducing the amount of muscle tension in the area can help with the level of abdominal and lower back pain, for example. And it has actually somewhat reduced the dysphoria I have to deal with? I understand better what my current body can do and how to best take care of it.

And obviously I wasn't expecting to deal with the possibility of uterine cancer at all, a lot of health issues just take you completely by surprise, and I'm extremely thankful I don't have to worry about being brand new to dilators now and frantically trying to figure that out so I can get the tests I need. I feel like I've saved myself a huge amount of stress having already done it, you know? And that means a lot when I'm in a situation that's so inherently stressful already.

The vaginismus subreddit is actually pretty decent, they're mostly trans friendly, and I've gotten some good info there.