#BUT I DID THIS!!!! THE HARDEST TRUE ARENA!!! BY MYSELF!!!!

[paintpanic]

I FUCKING DID IT !!!!!!! TRUE ARENA BEAT!!!!!!!! THE HARDEST ONE!!!

[death-rebirth-senshi]

"I got as far as Capra Demon and then uninstalled the game and then picked it back up 8 months later" that is exactly what I did with Bloodborne and Father Gascoigne <3

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Please Fix the Story Pt 19 - Sci Fi

The new part is here. I've struggled with this story a little bit recently, but I wanted to continue this, to share it with you.

Master Post linked here

Enjoy!

_________________________

“Bel…”

“BEL!”

The world around me was pitch black, empty except for voices I didn't recognize, shouting a name I couldn't remember. I blinked, trying to clear my vision without success.

“Hello?” My anxious shout faded into the nothingness around me.

“I have to do it, Bel. It’s how the story goes.” A blurry figure stood in front of me, his facial features unclear behind his blond hair, but his tone contained frustration and regret. “You know what happens to a world when the story is incomplete. Sacrifices have to made.”

“Who are you…?”

“That’s our fate, we just have to accept that.” He faded away into the darkness, leaving me alone again.

“Come back! Explain what you meant!” I screamed at the disappearing figure. “WHAT SACRIFICE? WHAT FATE?!”

"YOU MUST ACCEPT YOUR FATE."

“Are you lost?” A new voice spoke up, strange, yet completely and utterly familiar.

I spun around, but there was no one behind me. “I’m… I’m lost.”

“No matter where you go, who you become… I’ll find you, Bel. I promise.” The voice was a whisper in my ear. “Fate can’t tear us apart. I won’t let it. Even if I have to destroy fate itself.”

“But I can’t find you. I don’t remember who you are!” I was crying, my tears disappearing into the surrounding mist.

“I’ll find you.” The words were quieter, as if the owner of the voice was fading away.

“DON’T LEAVE ME!”

“I promise.”

“NOT AGAIN!”

"You must accept your fate."

"Bel..."

"You must.."

“…I promise…”

_________________________

“LIAM!”

I woke up, screaming a name that disappeared from my mind as soon as the sound as faded, tears and sweat staining my cheeks.

I curled up into a ball, my head resting on my knees, trying to catch my breath.

Who am I?

Finding no answers, I eventually steadied my nerves, getting up, showering and changing. I looked up at the clock on the wall, wincing as I realized that I was running late for class.

Great, now I’m going to miss breakfast, and I'm starving.

I put on my uniform jacket, lamenting silently my lack of time to fill my empty stomach. As I left my dorm, however, my eye caught something sitting on the floor right outside my door. It was a small plate with a peeled apple and a note with Alaira’s name on it.

I thought Alaira was supposed to be loner… This has to be a trap, right?

It had been several weeks since I woke up in this strange world. It couldn’t be more obvious that she didn’t have any true friends or allies. No one who would care enough to send breakfast, definitely.

Maybe it’s from whoever has been following me around?

Since the second day, I had noticed a shadowy presence following me at a distance. Whoever it was, they never attempted to try to speak to me, or interfere with me in ay way. But it was always nearby, always watching.

So now they’ve upgraded to leaving me food?

I picked up the apple, looking around, and scanned it with the personal computer on my wrist, which showed no drugs or other abnormalities.

Well… I am hungry, which outweighs the possible grim outcome of death by poison, I suppose.

Shrugging mentally, I took a bite. The taste was sweet. I sighed with satisfaction and took another bite. As I chewed, a thought occurred to me, confusing me all the more.

How did they know I like peeled apples?

As far as I could remember, Alaira had never liked apples. It was considered an ancient fruit, more of an oddity than a dietary staple. She had tried it once or twice and hadn’t been impressed.

But I liked it…

I liked apples a lot… but only peeled ones. It was something almost instinctive I had felt whenever I thought about the fruit. But… I hadn’t eaten any apples since I woke up as Alaira.

So how do they know? Does this sci fi story come with mind readers?

I took another bite, feeling confused.

_________________________

“Why the hatred for the apple peel?”

The young man seemed genuinely curious from his tone of voice as he handed me a freshly peeled fruit.

I shrugged, taking a bite. “You try living as a princess in a lower fantasy realm. I bit into a poisoned apple once and the inside was glowing green.” I shuddered. “Ever since then I can’t stand to bite into an apple with the peel still on.”

The man had already started peeling another fruit, and paused in his actions. “Did the prince have to kiss you to break the spell?”

“Why, are you jealous?” I grinned.

“N-no… I’m just asking.” His head hung down, as he seemed to stare intently into the apple in his hands.

I patted his head. “I took an antidote ahead of time. Didn’t fall asleep. Instead, I beat the crap out of the witch.”

He laughed at that. “Didn’t you get in trouble for changing things?”

“Of course. But it was so worth it.”

_________________________

I stared down at the partially eaten fruit in my hands, feeling overwhelmed at the memories surging through my mind.

I keep seeing these memories, but I can’t connect them to anything. What are these lower realms? Is that what I’m in right now? Who is this person I keep seeing?

I felt incomplete, a large part of my memories, my emotions, were missing. What was worse, I wasn’t even sure what was gone, what I should be sad about losing.

I grabbed my bag and walked out the door.

“Alaira.” A voice called out, stopping me in my tracks. Turning, I sighed with odd sense of disappointment at the person standing before me.

Who was I expecting?

I forced a grin and made a rude gesture. “Hey Chris, how awful to see you this morning! Terrible of you to stop by.” I checked my personal communicator and shrugged. “Fortunately for me, I’m running late and have no time for your nonsense. So we’ll save your annoying ranting and raving for a later date, okay?”

He ignored my words, stepping closer with an excited look. “Have you heard the news?”

“Even if I say yes, you’re still going to tell me, right?”

“Don’t pretend, it’s not fooling anyone!” He glared at me. “You’ve been hoping to trap me as your Connector since the match results came back!”

I sighed. “At this point, it’s not even funny anymore. What can I say that will possibly convince you that that is NOT the case?”

“You won’t be able to stop my dreams, Alaira! Next time I’m going to win!”

“Yes, you’re the absolute greatest.” I rolled my eyes. “I cry myself to sleep each night over the fact that we aren’t partners, and I will never feel anything in this life but anguish and despair… now can I go to class?”

He looked ever angrier at my sarcasm. “Just wait until the next match. You’ll see that I’m good enough to be a Guardian. Because I’ve got…”

“Okay, buddy. Sounds good.” I interrupted, walking away.

“Wait, you didn’t finish listening…”

“Yep. See you next match.”

I left him behind, ignoring his rage induced sputtering.

Met an idiot first thing... but hey, at least I'm not hungry anymore!

_________________________

A few days later, the next round of mock Mech battles began.

As the winner of the prior fight, I was slated to go first, completing the first four battles with relative ease. As the day wore on, however, the drain on my body from using the Mech was increasing exponentially. Fortunately I was on my last scheduled fight of the day… even if this was the hardest so far.

A light headache was throbbing at my temples as I scanned the field around me. The arena stood as a large stadium, featuring a high-class barrier shield that extended up to twenty stories in the air. Hundreds of seats surrounded the fighting field, all equipped with holo screens that played the footage taken by the referee bots floating around the fight.

The excited screams from the audience were slightly muffled by the protective screen, and the remaining noise was filtered out as I focused on the fight ahead of me.

My opponent this time was a third year A level Guardian, an experienced fighter, who fought along side a D level Connector. Alaira had faced off with them multiple times in the past, and she had always struggled to win despite the difference in strength of abilities.

There was no denying the advantage that a Connector brought to the fight.

I grinned, ignoring the draining sensation of operating my Mech, the headache and weakness that quickly came on each time I made the Connection. The pain was severe, like a knife stabbing through my eye, but I forced myself to ignore it. As I fought, I couldn’t help but feel bitter.

It’s not like I haven’t been looking for a Connector.

Each day I went to the Matching Center. Each day I endured the laughter, the stares, the whispers and pointing. Each day I was faced with the same words: “No match available.”

Do I need to come up with a different plan? But I can’t fight the Hive without a Mech, and I can’t operate a Mech without a Connector… unless I want to slowly destroy my mind like Alaira did.

I sighed, not seeing any easy answers, and focused on the fight ahead of me. Although I had Alaira’s memories, and operating the Mech came as almost second nature with my S level alpha waves, I had run into an unexpected obstacle:

Alaira’s weapon of choice had been dual wielding energy pistols.

What a waste of the cool looking sword on my back. My physical body was suspended in the Connection chamber, a shielded globe filled with suspension gel. Although the Mech was controlled through alpha brain waves and the Connection, the closer I was to the Mech, the easier that control was. Thus the space for the Guardian was always in the center of the Mech.

I wore helmeted mask monitoring my vitals such as oxygen saturation and heart rate, adjusting the air composition and breath volume to accommodate my body’s stress reaction during battle. A skintight silver suit covered me, interacting with the gel to provide me physical feedback that the Mech would feel. My vision was shared with my Mech’s video system; I looked down and saw the pistols resting in the robotic hands. It was strange, I was obviously inside the robot, but the sensation of the ground beneath my feet, the guns in my hands, was all too real.

The physical sensation made it easier to fight, but it had an obvious drawback, which was that I felt any blows that my Mech sustained. During the fight I was the Mech, and it was a part of me. I tightened my grip around the energy weapons, feeling tired.

Something felt off about using these as my weapons.

I still had no memories about my past, but as I had practiced with the Mech these past few weeks, I had noticed a familiarity with fighting and battles, even more than what Alaira had in my memories after a lifetime of training at home with her father and then in the academy.

Am I some kind of warrior or something?

It didn’t seem right, but I couldn’t explain the comfortable sensation of judging my opponent and fighting with them. But that comfort and familiarity did not extend to dual wielding pistols.

I just wasn’t a great shot.

We had already been fighting for ten minutes. My headache had worsened and I felt tired, but I had only managed to score a few hits on non-vital areas. The only benefit was that the opposing Mech had only been able to strike me twice with the energy-enhanced spear he carried.

“You seem a little off today, Alaira, everything all right?” My opponent’s voice came over his speaker, shocking me. It was technically considered bad etiquette to talk during battle, but it was hard to fault him, as he seemed genuinely concerned about my less than ideal fighting state.

I shook my head, raising my pistols once more. “I’m fine, let’s continue.”

I rushed forward, taking advantage of my superior speed and maneuverability to get closer, trying to make it harder to miss my shots. The opposing Mech jumped backwards, but it was too late. Its hand was within my grasp. Turning and using its significant weight to my advantage, I flipped the robot over my own’s shoulder put the barrel of my gun against the metal head.

My final shot through its temple destroyed the key mechanisms within it, rendering it immobile and finishing the fight.

That was too close… I’ve been practicing with the pistols since I’ve woken up in this strange world, and seen no improvement… what am I doing wrong?

As the referee called out my victory, I backed away, letting out a sigh of relief. It had been a harder fight than it should have been, but at least it was over.

I need a nap.

“I WANT TO CHALLENGE ALAIRA!”

An extremely annoying voice spoke up, causing my already bad headache to worsen.

... Why me?

I turned towards the speaker. “Chris. Didn’t we agree that we were going to avoid each other? … Or was that just my wishful thinking?”

His all white Mech landed in front of my own, holding a large, oversized sword. He swung it back and forth, and although I couldn’t see his facial expressions, the smug tone of his voice through the Mech’s speakers were enough to make me wish I could make my Mech roll its eyes.

“Surely the legendary S level Guardian Alaira isn’t SCARED to fight with a mere D level Guardian such as myself, right?”

“Guardian Chris, please retract your challenge. Guardian Alaira has already finished five consecutive mock battles, and needs time to recover.” The instructor’s face was stern on the holographic screens around us, leaving no room for disagreement.

Chris laughed mockingly. “Oh, I thought she said that even with all the advantages and luck she could still beat me? I guess it was just empty arrogance.” His Mech shook its head. “With such a weak personality, no wonder you can’t find a Connector to match you. Who would want to endure such a woman?”

“…”

CLANG!

My Mech’s foot connected with the other’s crotch, and I heard a high-pitched squeal of pain. Ha, shared sensation with the Mech comes in handy sometimes.

“How dare you?!” His pained shout made me grin.

“Less talking, more fighting. I accept your challenge, Chris.” I took a deep breath, trying to ignore the feeling of my head splitting apart, as well as the light ringing in my ears. I had reached the limit of how long I could safely operate the Mech.

But the sound of his smug satisfaction infuriated me.

Every night, I was haunted by nightmares. Sometimes it was fragments of memories of unfamiliar worlds and people. Most nights, however, I dreamt of Alaira’s end. Alone, broken, terrified, a horrific death for a lonely girl.

And this idiot had watched it happen.

It might not be smart, but I just really want to beat him up. I took a stance, brandishing the pistols, feeling off kilter once more at the light weight in both of my hands.

In the meantime Chris had recovered from his inconvenience, and had resumed his taunting. “Oh, yeah, you ran away so fast the other day, I never got to share with you the good news:” He paused for what I assumed was dramatic effect. “I matched with a Connector earlier last week.”

He obviously meant this to be a huge blow to me, but Alaira’s memories had already warned me this would happen. A beautiful young woman, one of the many who competed for Chis’s affection. This one is a princess… Ilene, I think?

Unbidden, my mind was filled with the thought of the serious, quiet Prince William. I hadn’t seen him since that first day in front of the matching center. So he would be her brother?

I felt a moment of concern at his absence, and then confused, I shook my head, dismissing the thought. I had no reason to see him. Why would I worry about a stranger? Shrugging, I waved casually to Chris’s Mech.

“I welcome the princess to the battle. Sorry you’re on the losing team!”

“…”

There was a moment of shocked silence. “You already know?!”

I winced at Chris’s ear piercing shriek. “Know and don’t care.”

“But… I have a Connector.”

“Yeah, you said that.”

“So I won’t be YOUR Connector!”

I sighed. “We’ve long established that. Look, buddy, it’s been a long day and I’m really tired, are you gonna keep talking about your boring personal life, or are we gonna try to crush each other with massive robots?”

“... Fine then! Keep pretending you don’t care!” Chris seemed really upset at not eliciting a bigger reaction from me, but fortunately turned his attention to the battle as well.

As the hologram around us signaled the start to the fight, he raised his sword and moved towards me, but I had already moved behind him.

BAM!

A shot hit his shoulder, blowing large metallic pieces into the air. I frowned, frustrated. I was faster and stronger than him, but my shots just weren’t going where I wanted them to.

Chris ‘s Mech turned around to face, me, the oversized sword’s momentum swaying the robot from side to side. His movement accuracy and speed had tripled from our last encounter. Clearly, he and his Connector were well matched, well over the required 50%.

But I was still faster.

I ducked under his blow, aiming upwards at his elbow and firing another couple shots.

BAM! BAM!

I missed. Cursing, I recovered, dodging another blow as I increased the distance between us.

Stupid guns.

_________________________

A young man threw up his hands, clearly frustrated.

“Why are you so stubborn? Every single world you insist on using a sword. We were in a laser battle for goodness sake!”

“Swords are more dependable.”

“Oh come on…”

“Plus I’m a terrible shot.”

He sighed. “Fine. But what if one day you don’t have me watching your back?”

“It will be fine.” I grinned. “Don’t you love saying that everything is according to fate? Maybe a sword is just mine?”

“... It doesn’t work like that.”

_________________________

A brief memory flashed in my mind, confusing me.

During my distraction, Chris’s Mech tried to strike again. With no time to dodge, I raised my gun, blocking the blow with the barrel. The weapon cracked under the edge of the sword. I pushed him back, relying on my superior strength and jumped backwards, throwing away the broken weapon in my hand. Glancing down at the remaining gun I had, I felt a warm liquid drip from my nose. It was bleeding, a sign of the increasing strain of the Connection.

I was breaking down. I wouldn't last the rest of the fight.

I had to surrender.

Screw that!

I holstered my remaining gun, drawing the large sword on my Mech’s back. As I held it in front of me, I suddenly felt at home, completely comfortable, as if I had held a sword many times before. I stared at Chris’s Mech, feeling excited.

Now, this feels like a fight!

I raced forward, swinging my sword in a horizontal strike.

_________________________

I was standing in a group of zombies, my sword cutting through the neck of the closest monster.

_________________________

Chris dodged, stumbling backwards. I used the momentum of my first swing to smoothly transition into a downward slash.

_________________________

I was an elf, dancing in the forest, my blade striking down shadowy creatures in the midst of a large battle.

_________________________

THUD!

A robotic hand fell to the ground as I cut it off at the wrist. Chris let out a moan of pain, cut short as I controlled my Mech to kick him in the face, knocking him on his back.

_________________________

I was a vampire, holding a sword made of darkness, fighting humans with elegance and grace.

_________________________

Chris tried to stand up but my foot on his chest prevented the movement. I rested the tip of my sword at his Mech’s throat.

“Do you surrender?”

_________________________

“Surrender?” I smiled as I spoke, staring down at the man on the ground. I couldn’t see his face clearly except for his dark blue eyes, which stared at me without a hint of embarrassment despite his defeated position.

“I surrender.” His voice was warm. “You’re pretty amazing with a sword.”

“After all the realms I’ve fought through? I would have to be.” I shook my head. “Don’t you use swords when you travel?”

“I’m not permitted to travel anymore.” He grinned. “I keep refusing to play my role.”

_________________________

I blinked, focusing on the partially destroyed Mech in front of me. Not hearing his answer, I dug the tip into his neck slightly, only stopping when he let out a groan.

“Do. You. Surrender?”

“I surrender.” His answer sounded like it was forced through gritted teeth.

I could hear muted cheers from the crowd behind the shield as the holographic screens around us displayed my name as the victor.

“Good.” I moved my sword and turned away. My body felt drained, every muscle screaming in pain. I tasted blood in my mouth, my head hurting worse with each passing second.

“I’LL BEAT YOU ONE DAY!” Chris called out behind me. “I’LL GET STRONGER, AND I’LL SHOW YOU!”

“Tell it to someone who cares.” I didn’t turn around, and left the arena.

At least I won. Now if my head would just stop hurting...

As soon as I reached the docking area, my legs crumpled beneath me, and my world faded into darkness.

_________________________

Where am I?

I woke up in a white room, on a plain, clean bed, wearing a hospital gown.

This isn’t a different world, is it?

I carefully searched my memories, but didn’t feel anything different. I sighed, realizing I must be in the school infirmary. In my memories of her life, Alaira had helped bring her fellow students there in the past, but had never stayed to be examined. Deep down she had known that without a Connector she was breaking down, and was afraid the school would prevent her from fighting.

It might have saved her life if she had.

I sat up, rubbing my forehead tiredly. It was still throbbing.

“Are you okay?” A soft voice spoke up, startling me.

I jumped, looking to the chair beside my bed, where a dark haired young man sat. His dark blue eyes studied me carefully, his face expressionless.

“…Prince William?”

“…” After a long silence, he nodded slowly.

“What are you doing here?”

He stared down at the floor silently, and just when I thought he might not respond, he reached out, handing me a peeled apple.

I took it, feeling dazed. “Umm… thanks.” I took a bite, and after swallowing, asked the question on my mind. “Were you the one leaving food outside my dorm room then?”

“…hmm.” His gaze never left the ground.

What the heck kind of answer is “hmm”?!!

“How did you know I like peeled apples?”

“…” A look of genuine confusion crossed his face, but quickly disappeared as he shrugged silently.

“Okay. Well. Thanks.” I pushed myself up, trying to swing my legs to the side of the bed.

He stood up, his face concerned. “Wait. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, my head hurts, but otherwise I feel great.”

“…You should rest.” He frowned as he looked me over.

“It’s just strain from a prolonged connection.” I sighed. “I’m used to it.”

“You haven’t matched?” He seemed mixed, as if happy and disappointed at the same time.

“Nope. Not for lack of trying though. ” I looked him over. “Are you a Connector? Have you matched yet?”

“I…” A look of agony distorted his features.

“He can’t. He’s broken.”

A young woman stood at the door of the infirmary, a mocking smile on her face.

I studied the newcomer carefully. She had long black curls framing a heart shaped face, and large blue eyes that looked down on me with pride. Given the similarities in features to Prince William next to me, it wasn’t difficult to figure out her identity.

“I’m assuming you’re Princess Ilene?”

She ignored my words, walking closer to her brother, whose face had become expressionless once again.

“He can’t Connect. His mental barrier is too strong.” She stopped a few feet away from him and raised her hand, knocking on what looked to be empty air. It made a solid noise, her hand stopping at the same invisible point. “He can’t put it down even if he wants to.”

I thought back to the first time I met him, remembering people being pushed aside.

“A useless Connector who can’t make the connection. A Guardian who can’t match. Two failures together.” She smiled at me. “Sorry I took away your only possible chance at matching Chris, but you needed to see the reality of the situation. He’s a better Guardian than you.”

“…Remind me again who ended up flat on their back at the end of the last fight?”

Her eyes narrowed in annoyance at my comeback. “At least he will be around a long time to help fight the Hive. You, on the other hand.” Ilene pointed at her head and turned her finger in a circle. “You have no future. But on the bright side, at least my useless brother can keep you company while your mind slowly breaks apart.”

BAM

William stood up, angry, and with the loud sound of an impact, Ilene was pushed by an invisible barrier out of the room. Her face enraged, she slammed her fists against it while her mouth made motions as if she was shouting. I stared at her, confused as to why I couldn’t hear her.

“…I sealed her out of the barrier.” William whispered. “Her voice can't make it through either.”

“Oh.” I nodded with satisfaction, watching her shout silently outside the doorway. “Thanks.”

“I can expand the barrier… but she’s right… I can’t drop it.” His eyes dropped down to the floor again. “I can’t Connect… I can’t help Guardians… useless…” His voice slowly dropped in volume, until it was barely a whisper.

“Well, you’re helping me out right now, and I’m a Guardian. So I’d say you’re a pretty useful guy.” I gave him a thumbs up. “I know that not hearing her is already making my day better.”

He stared at me silently for a few moments. “… Are you hungry?”

“Kind of. Why? Do you have more apples or something?”

William shook his head. “No… cake.”

“Please tell me you are serious.”

He solemnly set a container with a piece of cake on the table next to me, along with a napkin and utensils.

I stared at it in shock, motionless.

“… Do you not like it?” His nervous tone broke me out of my stupor. I quickly reached out and held the container close, grabbing the fork and taking a bite.

“Oh, this is amazing… totally worth passing out after my fight.” I took a few more bites, noting him relaxing visibly as I showed my enjoyment. “…Why are you being so nice to me, anyways?”

“Why?” William blinked, looking shocked as if he hadn’t considered it before.

“Yeah. As far as I can tell, I haven’t met you outside of running into you in the hallway once. Why go out of your way to leave me food and sit by me in the infirmary?”

He finally looked up, his dark blue eyes staring into my own. “…I’m not sure. “ He shrugged. “Whenever I see you, I feel happy. I want to help you.”

I leaned back against the backboard of the infirmary bed. “Well… I guess I could always use a friend.”

“Friends?” A trace of a smile crossed his face, before it disappeared into expressionless once more. “Really?”

“Yeah. So let me introduce myself officially, Prince William.” I started to reach out a hand to shake, but remembering his barrier, I pulled it back. “I’m Alaira. Level S Guardian but unable to match, and your new friend.”

He stared at my hand with a look of regret before looking back up. “I’m a Level S Connector… but can’t connect. I’m your new friend… “ He hesitated. “Can you call me a nickname instead?”

“Sure.”

“Then call me… Liam.”

_________________________

“Are you lost?” I woke up in a strange world to the sound of an unfamiliar voice, laying on my back, confused.

“Seems a good description for my current situation.” I stared into a pair of dark blue eyes, smiling despite the dizziness. “Nice to meet you, Stranger.”

He grinned, reaching out a hand to help me up. “Call me Liam.”

“Nice to meet you, Liam.”

_________________________

I blinked away the memory, smiling at the timid young man in front of me. “Nice to meet you… Liam.”

[wanderlustinwonderland18]

Stepanova & Bukin: “Our Fans Really Want Us To Be Together”

How do you feel about being the new Russian National Champions?

Vanya: Wow! To be honest, we didn't get enough sleep. It was a busy time. We sat, talked with the team, discussed a lot. This was our first competition in a long time, so we were a little exhausted.

Sasha: So far, we don't really feel that something major has happened, but the assessment of our coaches is very important for us. They didn't know how we would perform. Yes, the coaches did everything to make us perform well. But from the very start, everything depended only on us... And we managed to perform well so many thanks to our team for this.

Vanya: In general, we liked everything very much. We missed the audience a lot and we hope to perform somewhere else soon. Yes, there are nerves, but they are very pleasant nerves. Competition is great.

Is this national title the main award of your career?

Sasha: No. We have silver and bronze medals from European Championships. We have also performed well at World Championships. The situation here is completely different in all aspects. We had a different task... But overall, we are very pleased with the title of Russian National Champions.

Vanya: Yes, indeed, this is the first time for us. The support was great. Even though the arena was only 35 percent capacity, we felt incredible warmth.

Is the lack of vivid emotions due to the fact your main competitors were not here?

Sasha: Yes, many skaters were missing in Chelyabinsk. It’s a pity that this is the case. We, ourselves, were not able to participate in early competitions such as the Grand Prix in Moscow.

Vanya: For instance, Dima Aliev did not compete here although we were expecting him. We are friends with him, and we communicate a lot. We hope to meet the entire Russian team after the New Year.

Did this situation personally blur the impression of the Russian Championships?

Sasha: Of course. In addition, the federation indicated that this is not the final selection for the World Championships. We simply perceived it as a certain stage where we need to show what we are capable of.

Vanya: On the other hand, the fact that it was our first competition in a long time added more importance to it.

Is it a shame that Europeans got cancelled, while everything goes well in other sports?

Vanya: Of course, it's upsetting.

Sasha: I don’t really follow what is happening in other sports, but the cancellation of our Europeans was not a surprise. Everything pointed towards this direction gradually. We were ready for this news. We understand that holding a competition in such conditions is difficult and unsafe.

How do you feel now?

Sasha: I’m good now, thanks.

Vanya: Yes, we have already recovered.

You guys joked at the press conference that you were unlucky, because you were ill with COVID at different times.

(Sasha and Vanya laugh)

Sasha: Well, yes, we were really out of luck.

How did this happen? You spend so much time together.

Sasha: At first, I just caught a cold. There was bronchitis or something like that. I got better and then fell ill again, but with COVID. I don't know why that happened, but after I got sick, the coaches and Vanya fell ill.

Vanya: Why this happened is still a mystery to us. It is very incomprehensible.

How did you handle the disease?

Vanya: It was not easy. I had palpable lung damage. The temperature was monitored for a very long time, and the dose of antibiotics was quite strong. The hardest part is not how I got sick, but how I went back to the ice. It was very strange and a little scary.

Sasha: You may be fine at home, but as soon as you go out on the ice, you immediately start coughing due to the cold air and the slightest exertion. Usually for us, skating in circles is nothing at all... But after the illness, the body perceives it as a serious threat and reacts instantly. It is scary. You start thinking: "How am I going to skate now?"

Did it come to hospitalizations?

Sasha and Vanya: No.

Vanya: Fortunately, it didn't come to that. I didn't have extreme temperatures (around 37.5 to 38 only). The only problem is that it lasted a long time. Sasha’s condition was different though. High temperatures in the beginning, but the illness quickly disappeared.

Sasha: In my case, it started with a common cold, then the whole body began to ache. I came back from training and it felt like someone was breaking all my bones from the inside. Then, body temperature began to rise. The maximum was over 39. I immediately took antibiotics. The state itself was unpleasant - you go to the kitchen, or to the bathroom and you are already very tired. You also hear how you breathe.

Sasha, I looked at your Instagram and came to the conclusion that you love black and white tones. Why is that?

Sasha: In black and white, there is...

Vanya: Magic.

Sasha: Yes, some kind of charm. Many photographs look better in black and white. I like the lines and shadows.

Do you hear from fans a lot?

Sasha: Very much! Just yesterday, one fan gave gifts through the coaches. She loves our group very much, follows us to all competitions. From my understanding, she is not alone. It is just her who communicates with us. I called for a photo session, but unfortunately, this has not yet happened because of the virus situation. But yes, they write a lot! They post stories, write long messages. Sometimes I read and tears come, people give a lot of themselves. You think how this is possible. Many are busy with family and work, but they take time for us.

Vanya: Most of the times, they post our reactions to performances. This has already become a meme! We have been compared to animals. Sasha recently reposted a picture where I am a dog who smiles, and she is a serious cat. In many shots, myself and Irina Vasilievna (Zhuk) are explosive, and Sasha and Alexander Vasilievich (Svinin) are more restrained. It’s cool and funny!

Does this reflect your nature?

Vanya: I’m probably more emotional after performances. I keep everything to myself so much that it just breaks at the end. Sasha, on the other hand, gives so much to the performances and at the end, she has nothing left.

Are you offended by any comments?

Vanya: Some comments are very interesting. There have certainly been times where I wanted to respond, but realized that it was pointless. It is nonsense.

Sasha: Because you will be invested in it.

Vanya: Now, I laugh at such comments. If a person doesn't like something and expresses their opinion, please, especially if it is really constructive criticism. When you see that this is not the first time a person has written, and really understands figure skating, you can listen to this... But there are some that just write for the sake of saying something.

Sasha: Yes, there are some who throw out unnecessary emotions based on nothing.

Has it ever happened that thanks to a person's comment, you changed something in your performance?

Vanya: A couple of times.

Sasha: It is not with regards to steps and technical issues though. Most comments are like “I want power, brightness.” At such moments, you can reconsider and decide that, indeed, something is missing somewhere.

It happens that unpleasant things are written by fans of other teams.

Vanya: I'm okay with this, but if you like another couple, why are you writing under our post? Go to your guys and write good things.

Sasha, you are sometimes compared to Victoria Sinitsina? Are you okay with this?

Sasha: Yes, absolutely! We sometimes laugh about our similarities. We also have common views on wardrobe sometimes.

What about the comments that you and Vanya would make a good pair in real life?

Sasha: It's fun too.

Vanya: On one hand, that is a compliment because it means that we can show real emotions on the ice. People believe in our story and think that we are also together behind the scenes... But we have already said many times that we are not a couple in real life, so it is quite strange when people ask about this.

Sasha: It's very cute though!

Vanya: Those who have been with us for a long time know that we are not together, but our fans really want us to be together.

Do you follow the situation regarding Russia's two-year sentence? You guys already had some bad experiences in the past with this decision.

Sasha: Yes, we heard this news. As far as I understand, the consequences could be much worse - all athletes from Russia could be expelled indiscriminately. They could say, "Russia, goodbye." But we are still allowed to compete. Let it be without the anthem at the World Championships and the Olympics, but on our form, the name of the country can still be written. This is already pleasant for us. I do not know all the little details, but in this situation, I want to find something positive.

Vanya: Of course, we are upset, because this is our country. We would very much like to perform with the flag and anthem. But the decision has been made, and nothing can be done. We will calmly prepare for all the major competitions. It remains to be seen how athletes will be admitted to the Olympics.

What would you change in ice dance to make it more popular?

Vanya: Ice Dance is a very creative sport. Everything should look simple, easy, and unpredictable with us. In my opinion, to make our sport more popular, teams must be given more freedom for creativity. Then, the couples will not be alike. We have many rules that do not allow us to go beyond.

Sasha: In general, the rules are made for judges. Previously, ice dance judging was based on "like it or not like it."

Do you have long-term career plans?

Vanya: This season has shown that it is difficult to plan the future. We have decided to live day by day, and prepare for specific events. There have been many times where we plan a lot, and in the end, the plan does not come true.

Do you think about life after sports?

Sasha: I do not have any serious thoughts. Maybe participate in shows, but there are no specific plans. However, I can definitely say that I want to stay in figure skating and take a new role in the sport. For now, we still have a lot to accomplish. We have just reached the top level. We have just started receiving recognition from the audience.

Vanya: And we are very grateful to our fans. When new broke out that we were sick, many wrote to us and supported us. It is really motivating!

Do you have plans for the New Year holidays?

Sasha: I would like to go to the skating rink in front of the Red Square. I have never been to massive street skating rinks, so I want to feel this atmosphere.

Vanya: Oh cool! Let's go and invite everyone!

A small wish to your fans at the end of the interview?

Sasha: Health and love. Be happy no matter what. Live everyday.

Vanya: To make all your dreams come true in the New Year.

[thotful-writing]

Invasion Ch. 14

Description:  A planet conquering race of Saiyans invaded Earth and deemed it worthy of habitation. After bringing the humans to their heels, they set up a new society where humans had one role, to serve. You found yourself in the unlucky faction of being bought and sold as a human pet. With absolutely no interest in owning a human but no way out of having one, Kakarot made a bid on you at the urging of his brother. It was only a matter of time before you were either killed or forced into obedience.

You can find previous chapters in this link: Ch. 12 and Ch. 13 or you can read it here on my AO3

Note: Sorry about the delay in updates on stuff. Sweat is in it’s final chapter now and will be posted soon. Thank you to everyone who is still reading our fics, we really appreciate it!

___________________________________

Vegeta’s grip around your throat was harsh, “you made a deal with me, woman.”

“Forget the deal. Send me to the Arena.” You weren’t scared of the prospect anymore.

He smirked, “you act as though you have a choice here. I paid for you. I put myself on the line more than once and I fully expect to be repaid.”

“What do you want?” You stared at him, refusing to give him the satisfaction of knowing how scared you were.

“I can still smell him on you. Kakarot. His scent seeps from your pores.” He inhaled close to your ear.

You couldn’t hide the pounding of your heart against your chest at his closeness and how unnerving he was being. You knew you could take down another human, but fighting off a saiyan was something completely different.

Suddenly he released you and stepped back, “I’ll make this short, I know about your little trips to the Arena with Gine.”

“H-How-“

“Doesn’t matter how. I’m taking over your training and your placement at the Arena. You’ll fight and win until I’m satisfied you’ve paid off your debt.”

You weren’t sure you were actually hearing him correctly, “you want me to fight? And what happens once I’m free of my debt to you?”

“You’ll never truly be free, of course, but you can come and go as you please. No expectations or questions from me.”

The offer sounded too good to be true. You wanted to continue fighting anyways, but having him take over was a little worrisome.

“I do this and I’m free from any obligation? That includes being mated with?” You didn’t care about being blunt at this point.

“If that’s what you want.” He said.

“Fine. I’ll do it. Train me and I’ll fight in the Arena for you.” You had no hesitation after hearing that you’d have free reign over your own interest in being mated with.

“We’ll start tomorrow. Dawn.” He pushed past you and left your room without so much as a glance at you.

You closed your door and collapsed on the bed, the ache in your chest returned when thoughts of Kakarot flooded your mind again. You wondered where he was and if he was even still alive at this point. You knew you’d have no access to anymore information about him. You hated that you loved him, that you convinced yourself you could have a decent life with him. Never again would you trick yourself or let yourself fall prey to such childish notions.

The next day came and you dragged yourself out of bed after spending most of the night obsessing over Kakarot and switching between crying and being angry with yourself. When you finally found Vegeta he was in one of the many training rooms in the palace that he had built, of course, Bulma had the walls reinforced to withstand his anger and power.

“Late.” He snapped.

“Would’ve helped if you’d told me where the fuck you were going to be.” You said without thinking about who you were talking to, but he didn’t seem to notice or care.

“Kakarot’s mother has trained you, right? Show me.” He stood firmly in the center of the room as you walked towards him.

It was odd seeing him without his normal saiyan armor, he seemed almost approachable for a split second.

“You- You want me to hit you?” You were a little hesitant as you’d been informed previously that any slight against the Prince would end with your head being removed from your body.

“Yes. Now get on with it.” He said impatiently.

You took a deep breath and let it out slowly as you prepared for what would be a rigorous training session or the last few seconds of your life. You attacked him quickly, aiming to almost land a hit somewhere, but of course you missed. He was quicker, nimble, barely moving himself out of the way. He moved with ease as if you were moving at a slowed down speed, which compared to him you probably were.

“Again.” He said, hands behind his back as he waited.

You attacked again, launching yourself at him, trying your hardest to hit him at least once. You aimed for his chest, missing. Again, aiming for his abdomen, missing. You fought harder, fist coming close to his cheek, but again falling short. By the time you were done, sweat was dripping from your brow and he had barely moved an inch.

“Pathetic. How are you winning fights like this? Are the other saiyans really not training their humans?”

“Turles is. His human fights like him.” You panted, trying to catch your breath.

“Then you should have beat her in your first fight.” He said.

You furrowed your brow, “how much do you actually know about all that?”

“Enough to know you fight like you’re not trying to win, just get the life beaten out of you.” He explained.

It wasn’t that he was wrong, but you didn’t realize it was that obvious to other people.

“Bruises feel better than the other shit.” You shrugged.

“Winning will feel even better. You lose a fight and I add more to your debt.”

“That seems unfair. There are some really good fighters at the Arena.”

Vegeta scoffed, “then it would be wise to be better.”

It seemed like a simple thing to him, to just be a better fighter, but it wasn’t that easy for you. He knew why you started fighting, what was driving you, but he expected you to just flip a switch and fight to win instead of trying to numb the other pain you felt.

Over the next few months Vegeta trained you. Each day you left feeling like your body was just going to dissolve into a puddle. Your muscles ached, bruises covered you from head to toe and he refused to let you use one of the med pods. He wanted you to remember where the bruises and cuts came from. He pushed you, pushed your limits, pushed your body until you begged for him to stop, but even then he pushed more.

“Pathetic. Kakarot actually saw you as a viable mate?” He paced around you as you lay motionless on the floor.

“Don’t.” You sneered breathlessly.

“I’m just trying to understand what he saw in you. It couldn’t have been your fighting skills because those are non-existent. Bulma could kick your ass at this point.”

You felt your anger raging inside, unfurling in your stomach as you pushed yourself up off the floor on shaking limbs. You wiped the blood from your lip, sweat stinging the wounds that covered you.

“I’m done. Fuck this.” You pushed past him.

“Quitting already? Not surprising for someone so spineless. Don’t know what I expected when you didn’t even try to save him.”

You stopped in your tracks, “what?”

“You made no attempts to stand up for him, to break him free. You had all of the resources at your fingertips, Bulma, Gine, but you just let him die.”

You turned around quickly, “are you fucking serious? I had no way of saving him. The second I would have tried he would’ve stopped me or some other giant saiyan fuck would’ve intervened.”

“At least you would have tried instead of cowering like the weak human you are.” Vegeta snapped.

With clenched fists and rage burning in your throat, you launched yourself at Vegeta. He narrowly blocked your attack, but that didn’t stop you. You were determined to make him eat the words he shoved in your face. All of the pain and aches that had forced you to your knees previously, were now driving you forward. The pain pushed you, the rage fueled you. Vegeta smirked in your face at the failed attacks he continued to avoid, until you landed one hit across his jaw. The second your fist made contact with his face you felt it, that jolt of accomplishment, pride that you’d actually done it.

An expression of pure astonishment was etched across his face and your own, “you little-“

With a hand around your throat instantly he shoved you back against the wall, fingers digging into your skin. Your chests heaved, fighting to regain control over the rage you both felt in the moment. His gaze burned into yours, heat radiating off of both of your bodies.

“Am I still pathetic?” You asked breathlessly.

“Yes, but a little less now,” he said with a rare smirk, “use that anger first next time.”

There was something in that moment, something that had changed the dynamic between you. You couldn’t place it, or maybe you didn’t want to admit it, admit the building bond between you. Despite his callousness, roughness with you, it was there, drawing you in to something different.

“You should be ready for your first fight soon.” He released your throat, ignoring whatever look you were giving him.

“I’m not ready, I got my ass handed to me last time. Gine had to put me in one of those pods for like hours afterwards.” You shook your head.

“Don’t get injured as badly and you should be fine. I’ll arrange it for next week.” He walked by you without giving you a moment to argue your point.

You didn’t feel ready, hitting Vegeta once didn’t exactly seem like a great qualifier to fight in the Arena, although it did feel amazing. Training with Vegeta had given you something to focus on for the last few months, almost daily, for hours, you spent time fighting him. His snide remarks pushing you further, using your anger and hatred to boost your strength. Never in a million years did you think you’d look forward to spending time with him, but it was the perfect distraction and a pure carnal release to fight with him.

The next week came and your anxiety was unfurling in your gut as you stood at the sidelines in the Arena. Vegeta was next to you, but made no move to give you any support or last words of encouragement.

“Remember, you lose, I add to your debt.” He said just before you entered the cage.

“Thanks. That helps.” You said sarcastically.

You came face to face with your opponent, clearly an unfair match, which made you wonder if Vegeta had hand picked her. She was at least a good two feet taller than you, built like a fucking truck. Her biceps alone were bigger than your head.

“You both know the rules. Tap out, knock out, or death. Those are your only ways out of here.” The referee saiyan said.

You nodded and looked up at your opponent, her gaze set directly on you as if she was thinking about all the ways she was going to eat you after she dismembered you.

“Fight.” He said and stepped out of the cage.

You readied yourself, getting into a fighting stance and preparing for a direct attack, but she didn’t move, not even a little. She stood still, almost like a statue.

“Um, are you okay?” You asked when she just stood there.

She stared at you but didn’t answer. It felt weird attacking someone who showed very little brain activity.

“What are you waiting for? Attack her!” Vegeta yelled from the side.

You turned to look at him, “I can’t, look at her, she’s-“

Suddenly you were being lifted off the ground by a harsh grip around your throat. You gasped and grabbed at her arm, but it did nothing to keep her from basically tossing you across the cage. You landed with a thud on the ground, the air knocked from your lungs. She was trudging towards you, looking even angrier. You pushed yourself up off the ground and brushed yourself off before running headfirst at her.

Attacking her abdomen did nothing, landing punch after punch was basically useless as she showed no signs of even feeling it. With one swift slap, she knocked you down again, almost burying you into the ground.

“Fuck. What are you?” You struggled to stand back up.

She came right for you again, not slowing down or showing any signs of stopping until you were either unconscious or dead. You wiped the blood from your lip, trying to refocus on how you were going to defeat this mountain. You looked around your surroundings, trying to find something to take her out with, but the cage was devoid of anything. You had nothing on you either, but she still had her collar, which looked to be digging into her skin. That was your out. Your key to winning.

You stood still, waiting for the right moment to attack. She lunged at you, giving you an opening. You moved swiftly around her and grabbed the collar from behind, jerking it back as you used all of your weight to hang onto her by it. She tried to grab the collar but it was too tight around her neck for her to get any leverage. She turned around, trying to sling you off, but you wrapped yourself around her like a vine, determined not to die. She fell to her knees, gasping for air as her face turned red, hands still trying to grab onto something to get you off of her.

“I’m so sorry.” You said as she fell face first on the ground, consciousness fading from her.

A significant amount of complaints and boos were thrown out by the saiyans, most of whom had probably bet against you. You climbed off of her and headed for the cage door.

“See that? I took that monster down by myself.” You panted as you approached Vegeta.

“Nothing more than luck for you. There’s no way you would’ve been able to defeat her without it.” He rolled his eyes.

“Still counts though, right? My debt?”

“Sure. Let’s go.” He sighed.

He was silent for the time it took to get back to the palace, clearly annoyed with the way you’d won. It was annoying how nothing was impressive or good enough for him, he was a stark contrast to Kakarot, which was irritating.

“You know a little positive reinforcement goes a long way.” You said as you followed him back to the training room.

“Oh, you want praise for using a trick to win a fight? How noble of you to avoid using any actual strength.” He snapped.

“You said win, you never said I had to explicitly fight with my fists.” You argued.

“What honor is there in what you just did? How do you have any pride after that?” He turned to face you.

“The fuck do I care about honor and pride? I just want to live my life.”

Vegeta was on you in an instant, hand around your throat once again as he shoved you back against the wall, “what kind of life is it if you take the coward’s way out every time?”

“I’m not a coward.” Words you didn’t fully believe yourself, but you said them anyways.

“Prove it. All I see is a weak, little human whining about how unfair her life is, refusing to take it back for herself.” He sneered, eyes burning into yours.

With adrenaline still coursing through your veins, you made a stupid decision. You grabbed a handful of his hair, jerking his head back as much as he allowed.

“Let me go.” You said through gritted teeth as his hand tightened around your throat.

“Maybe you would be useful for something, a feisty little mate. Sell you off to the highest bidder?” He grinned, sharp fangs on full display.

You pulled harder on his hair, trying to keep him from moving closer, but it did nothing. He leaned in, lips ghosting against yours. You snapped at him, biting his lip and drawing blood.

“Insolent little-“ Vegeta squeezed your throat.

Everything in your mind was telling you it was wrong, the sudden feeling of attraction was nothing more than the adrenaline left over from your fight, but you ignored it. You needed another release, something else entirely taking over you. You leaned forward as much as he would let you and flicked your tongue over the blood on his bottom lip. His eyes were wild, matching your own with the need you both felt in that moment.

As if you both knew what the other was thinking, you released the hold you had on one another and attacked. He pressed his lips to yours, biting you harshly just as you’d done to him. You repeated in your mind that it was nothing more than a release, something you needed.

You grabbed the waistband of his pants and shoved them down, “this doesn’t mean anything. I’m not your fucking mate.”

He turned you around and slammed you against the wall as he jerked your pants down, “I’d never take someone as feeble and useless as you for a mate.”

Before you could make another comment, he shoved his cock into you, forcing a loud yelp from your lips. You pushed back against him, refusing to give him any satisfaction or notion that he was the one fucking you. His fingers dug into your hips, pinching the skin harder by the second. He took out his full frustration on your body, grabbing, biting, fucking, all of it as hard as he could without breaking you completely.

Every doubt, feeling of guilt, you pushed from your mind while he drove into you over and over, each thrust harder than the last. It wasn’t like you had anyone to worry about, Kakarot was long gone by now and it was just you at this point.

A silent, mind numbing haze fell over you as you walked back to your room, a ghost of his harsh grip lingered on your skin, sweat sticking to your clothes. The vast differences between him and Kakarot weighed heavily on you. Over the last few months you’d worked so hard to push every memory of Kakarot out of your mind, forget the feeling of his tail wrapped around your thigh, the heat that radiated off of him in the night. One desperate release with Vegeta brought all of it flooding back to your mind at once, the good and the bad.

Kakarot was rough with you, but caring at the same time. His touch was firm, but gentle, filled with all the emotion he held back. Vegeta was all surface, harshness with nothing beneath it for you. You’d noticed the way he was with Bulma, how he took such care with her, but for you it was different, lacking. It was evident you were nothing more than a release for him as well. You weren’t complaining, you didn’t want anything more with him, but it made your chest ache at the thought that you wouldn’t have that with anyone again.

[amylillian22]

What If I Never Get Over You (Part 1) - Chris Evans Imagine

Summary: Y/N’s performing with her band for the first after their long hiatus. It’s also the first time performing since her break up with long time boyfriend, Chris Evans. Everything goes smoothly until she sees Chris Evans in the crowd right before she sings a song she wrote about him.

Word Count: 1,807

Pairings: Chris Evans x Reader, Cody Christian x Reader

Warnings: Mentions of heartbreak

Author’s Note: Based on Lady A’s “What If I Never Get Over You” (Click on the title to listen to the song on YouTube.

Disclaimer: I do not own the lyrics to the song - which are in Bold & Italic - and belong to the song writers, Jon Green, Laura Veltz, Ryan Hurd, and Sam Ellis.

[Part 2] /// [Part 3]

I pulled the curtain back a little bit, letting me catch a small glimpse of the small crowd tonight. People were sitting and talking amongst themselves as they waited for us to start the show. My eyes flickered to the table I had reserved for my boyfriend and two of my closest friends, who were all laughing. My boyfriend, Cody Christian, turned in my direction and his eyes immediately locked with mine. He smiled and mouthed, "good luck. I love you."

I smiled back at him. "Love you too," I mouthed back.

"Hey, we're about to go on stage," Dave said. "You ready?"

"Whoa! Are you okay?" Charles asked. "You look a bit nervous."

"I'm fine," I swallowed the tightness in my throat, hoping my nerves would also go away. "I mean this is the first time we perform together in a couple of years. Not to mention, we're doing an acoustic show for our new album. I'd say 'nervous' is an understatement," I slightly lied to my band mates.

All of that is true. Our band, Lady Antebellum, took a couple of years off due to weddings, children being born, and me dealing with the hardest heartbreak I'd had ever experienced.

Chris Evans was the love of my life. We dated for 7 years before he broke up with me 4 years ago. We were high school sweethearts. I saw his career explode once he became Captain America. He was there when Lady Antebellum started in Charles' garage and slowly turned into a platinum recording, award winning country band. We supported each other. I tried my best to attend most of his premiere events. I always left a concert ticket for him at Will Call when my band was playing in a city he was filming. We made it work. We fell in love and I swore he was the one.

"Hello, everybody!" The announcer spoke through the speakers, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Welcome to a very special night. Not only is this a one of a kind acoustic show, but Lady Antebellum has also decided to record tonight's show for an acoustic album, which will be released before the holidays."

The crowd cheered and clapped at the surprise announcement. I took a deep breath as Charles handed me my microphone. I plugged in my In-Ear monitor plugs and closed my eyes, taking it all in.

"Please welcome to the stage, Lady Antebellum!"

The curtains pulled up. I forced a smile as several spotlights hit us, not letting me see most of the crowd. I looked to the far left, my eyes immediately landed on Cody. He didn't like that I picked the furtherest table to the side. He wanted front row seats, but I needed to see him. I needed him there in case I got nervous. I needed to be able to see him, knowing he would put me at ease.

"Hello, Boston!" Charles said over his mic as he sat down on his bar stool.

"How are we doing tonight?" I asked and sat in my bar stool next to Charles. I made myself comfortable as the crowed hollered with excitement.

Dave's fingers started moving on the piano. "We hope you enjoy this piano and acoustic show tonight."

Over the next hour, we sang our new songs and talked in between almost every song. We either talked about how the song came about or talked to the crowd. We let some of them ask us a couple of questions. It went smooth sailing. I had forgotten how much I loved singing and performing in front of a crowd. I was ready to hit the road in a couple of weeks and get back to singing in sold-out arena shows.

"Y/N, do you kind of want to tell the crowd about our last song of the night?" Charles asked me. He grabbed my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, knowing I would need some support.

I looked over at Cody, and he gave me a small nod. I knew he was telling me it was okay. Although he knows I love him, he also knew the story about this next painful song.

I took a deep breath. "We have all experienced heartbreak at some point. I thought I did until the last breakup I went through. It's no secret who I dated in the past and when that happened, I was in a very dark and miserable hole. I know some of y'all were devastated when we took a break from the band, but I needed that time to heal, mend, put the pieces back together to try and get back the person I used to be.

"So, after a few months, I grabbed a pen and some paper, and everything I felt, thought, and wanted to say came flowing out," I finished.

"When she showed us the lyrics..." Dave trailed, "I was blown away. I could feel the emotions and rawness with every line. Charles and I were there for Y/N, and we thought we knew what she was going through," he shook his head. "We didn't know to what extent until we read the song. You could feel what Y/N was going through. Its painful, yet relatable, even if you've never experienced a painful heartbreak."

"When I got home after Y/N showed us the lyrics, I hugged my wife. I was internally grateful she has never broke my heart and wanted to spend her life with me forever," Charles added.

"Heartbreak is never easy," I said. "But it doesn't last forever. Always remember there is a flicker of hope, even in the darkest places," I smiled looking at Cody.

Dave started playing "What If I Never Get Over You" on the piano. Charles pulled the microphone to his lips and sang the first verse.

It's supposed to hurt, it's a broken heart But the moving on is the hardest part It comes in waves, the letting go

My eyes flickered back to Cody, getting ready to sing the chorus. Except, my eyes landed on the man sitting alone at the table behind Cody. My heart dropped to my stomach as I hadn't seen him in years. Truthfully, I wasn't expecting him to come. I didn't tell him either, but old habits die hard. I had left 2 tickets at Will Call for him.

When did he get here? Has he been here since the beginning of the show? Did he purposely sit behind Cody, knowing I would see him? I thought to myself.

"But the memory fades, everybody knows, everybody knows," Charles must have known I was distracted, because he grabbed my hand once more and squeezed it, signaling me to sing the chorus with him.

What if I'm trying, but then I close my eyes and then I'm right back Lost in that last goodbye, what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do? What if I never get over you?

I took a deep breath and fought against the tears that were starting to form in my eyes as I sang my verse.

Maybe months go by, maybe years from now And I meet someone and it's working out Every now and then, he can see right through 'Cause when I look at him, yeah, all I see is you

I closed my eyes, seeing flashbacks of my relationship with Chris. All happy memories of us laughing, traveling, stealing kisses, having fun together, and loving each other. I felt a tear drop sliding down my cheek as I sang the chorus again with the guys.

What if I'm trying, but then I close my eyes and then I'm right back Lost in that last goodbye, what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do? What if I never get over you?

I finally opened my eyes, my vision completely blurry. I fought the tightness in my throat, hoping my voice wouldn't crack while singing. I looked at Charles as we took turns singing lines with the next verse, matching our harmonies together at the end.

What if I never get over? What if I never get closure? What if I never get back all the wasted words I told you? What if it never gets better? What if this lasts forever and ever and ever, I'm tryin'

Dave's fingers stopped moving along the piano when I stopped singing. The entire crowd was dead silent; you could hear a pin drop. I could see a couple of the fans with sad looks on their faces. I looked over and saw Chris' eyes filled with tears. I closed my eyes and I was right back to the moment that broke me.

"I can't do this anymore," Chris said. "You're an amazing person, but-"

He looked at me with tears in his eyes, unable to finish the sentence as if that would kill me and not his first sentence, 'I can't do this anymore'.

"I'm sorry," he said, leaving me in the pouring rain with no explanation and a broken heart.

I slowly opened my eyes and wiped away the fallen tears with the back of my hand. It hurts. Singing this song, especially with Chris in the crowd, it was like my wound had been reopened again and I hated it. I didn't want to feel this way. I don't want to be reminded of all the good and bad memories. How is it possible to still feel this way years later?

I bit my lip and nodded, signaling the boys I was ready to finish the last verse. I closed my eyes as I sang the first note.

But then I close my eyes and then I'm right back Lost in that last goodbye, what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do? What if I never get over you?

What if I gave you everything I got What if your love was my one and only shot What if I end up with nothing to compare it to What if I never get over you?

I opened my eyes. I stood up from my bar stool and walked off the stage as the crowded clapped. I rushed passed the announcer, down the side stairs, and made it out to the floor. My eyes stayed focus on one person as I made my way through his table. Chris swallowed hard, noticing I was headed towards his direction.

I stopped in front of Cody, who immediately stood up. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tight. With my eyes never once leaving Chris', I whispered in Cody's ear, "please don't ever leave me. I can't go through this again."

Chris got up and left without looking back at me. I closed my eyes, letting more tears fall as I sniffled. Cody held me close, tight, yet so gentle; reassuring me he would never hurt me like Chris had in the past.

[shanie-the-toyaddict]

So I watched The Undertaker’s Final Farewell. Thoughts. I have a BUNCH..

Of course Shane comes out first. I don’t know why the hell I thought otherwise.

When I heard Shane was coming out wearing black, I was thinking to myself “ooh, potential figure?” Thankfully, he just wore his usual black on blue jeans and I already MADE that figure.

Shane offering to hold the ropes for Show concerns me. How destroyed is Big Show that Shane would need to hold the ropes for him? At first I thought it was a joke, then Shane DID hold the rope and I’m like “Dude, WTF”

Mick got OLD. Like, holy shit. Although, the hell that man put his body through for how long, I don’t know why anyone would be surprised time would be cruel to him. At least he can still walk, which IS surprising.

Have they ever actually acknowledged Taker’s biker gang clique before this? I mean, I know it’s falls under the category of “Worst Kept Wrestling Secrets” but have they ever actually acknowledged his crew on TV before? Just curious.

Booker T looked good tonight.

Someday, we aren’t going to have Ric Flair with us anymore and when that day comes I want a 10 bell salute, no questions asked.

Hunter, nobody likes “King of Kings”. Sorry.

While I’m glad Kane showed up in costume, that singlet... doesn’t do him any favors. Ouch.

METALLICA!

That video package was *chefs kiss*

I was considering making a #thankyoutaker music video, but NAH, I can’t beat that. My job was done for me.

I feel bad for Vince. I know I rail on him constantly, but he was having a HELL of a hard time with that and you could just see how emotionally wrecked he was. I’m almost glad there was nobody in the audience for THAT part that might cause him to lose focus because that was probably one of the hardest things Vince McMahon has ever had to do.

How big was the check Vince wrote that gave him the right to say “WWF” on a PPV? I’m honestly curious. I had a bit of a chuckle because my mind thought “I wonder if, when they came to terms with the World Wildlife Fund a bit back that let them use the WWF Logos again if they earned the right for one last usage of the verbal name and Vince was like “No, we’re saving this for the perfect time” and that time was the Undertaker’s Retirement.

I’m torn on the musical tesla coils. On one hand, musical tesla coils are neat. On the other hand, they sound like chiptunes and it didn’t work well here. Maybe they should have just stuck with using them for lightning bolts.

SO MUCH FIRE

And that brings me to the Deadman himself.

I need to say this right now because it’s breaking my heart. I’ve endured a LOT this year. We all have. The Pandemic itself and the lives lost to it are by far the worst thing going on, but I feel that it’s ok to be upset about the side effects of it as well. One of those is tonight - There was nobody in that arena for what should have been the greatest, most emotional moment of Mark’s career. You know all that chanting and cheering we heard?

I’m pretty sure he didn’t, Or, if he did, if they did pipe it into the arena proper, it had to break his heart knowing it was canned.

That was so incredibly painful to watch for me, knowing that The Undertaker, the friggin PHENOM was denied his proper sendoff by the fans because of COVID. It’s going to piss me off tonight, tomorrow and for a long GD time, I just know it. He deserved to feel that electricity, to hear that crowd chanting for real. Say what you will about Mark and his politics and stuff, but the man is a true legend and nothing can take that away from him.

But the fact that his final ovation came from a speaker system taints the entire experience.

That said, I cried HARD at the Paul Bearer hologram. That shit HURT.

All in all, it was very emotional, although mostly for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be able to celebrate Undertaker’s farewell. Instead, I couldn’t get past how much was taken from him in this moment by the pandemic and the bullshit surrounding it.

Just my thoughts.

Thank You Mark Calaway. Thank you for 30 years of greatness and for turning what would otherwise be just another idiotic WWF gimmick from then into pure, legendary, EPIC GOLD. Thank you for the matches, the segments, and the promos you have gifted us with. You truly are the Phenom and there will NEVER be another like you.

[kuromichad]

man sometimes you realize youve spent days on end doing mindless non-tasks while idly thinking about how everything is bad and nothing ever gets better and youre not excited by anything or hopeful for anything and kinda dont like it when other people express any kind of wonderment or ‘excessive’ optimism because it makes you flinch and etc etc etc and then finally it clicks like... oh bro you have depression huh... i feel like every month or two i rediscover the concept of depression because i forget there are more types than like ‘letting a plain tortilla fall out of your mouth’ or ‘crying frequently’. even though i think the irritable cynical type is what i have the most often.

ive been very hostile to any kind of like sympathy in the form of ‘2020-onward has been hard for literally everyone’ or like ‘youve been dealing with a lot’ because im like. that cant be true because i’m lucky that no one in even my extended family has gotten covid and my parents and grandparents i leech off of are already retired/work from home and like. between stimulus and cares act stuff ive had more money in the past year than in like my whole life. and even though it’s been difficult due to Phone Calls and dealing with incompetent people i did get to start hrt. so really i’m very spoiled and i guess (clearly) i resent myself for that. 

but all of this still um. sucks? like to just. every single day have to hear bad news and then see 300 slightly different posts in reaction to the bad news that just really drive in how bad everything is. you get like ten minutes to laugh about ‘reddit steals money from wall street via gamestop’ before then having to see people repeat over and over how doomed and miserable it is that ‘the government is letting people die but will rush to help the stock market’ and its like i know. i know. i know. the worst possible thing is always what’s going to happen and there’s no levity in the world without a bitter aftertaste. it’s great. i’m used to feeling this way about my own life but it really is hard to have it driven in so incessantly and deeply regarding just, the whole universe, for almost a year, with no end in sight. everything is bad every single thing has a rotten core. 

i feel unbelievably fucking stupid for it but i feel like probably the hardest thing for me, like the most insidiously damaging, in the past year has been like. ok so. we all know i’m a cringe ass nae nae Disney Adult. i have no desire to like, actively behave like one, but i know in >current year to like any disney anything at all in public past age ten is considered like peak braindead behavior. and i understand Why and it’s not like i disagree that Disney Is Bad. but for me disney parks have always been a bit different, a bit removed from whatever bad movie or shitty corporate move, there’s a more genuine spirit there right, whatever, youve seen me go on about this before. but this year its very very clear theyre uh. behaving evilly with the parks now too. i’m exposed to constant discourse about this because of having a Disney Family who likes to watch Disney Vloggers constantly (yes yes i know youre sending missiles to my house ouuhhh the cringe oh it burns i deserve this oooh) and having to hear these people whine nonstop about why doesnt disneyland reopen wah wah, and reading about the massive cast layoffs, and just. yknow. disney acting how everyone who wasnt stupid like me expected them to act. it’s made it impossible to engage with the whole concept of theme parks which was obviously a major interest for me, probably (pathetically) pretty much the only ‘non-fandom’ interest i have, one of the few arenas i could actually picture myself Having A Job in and actually being happy, basically the only thing ive ever like cornily waxed poetic about in posts the way other people on here rhapsodize about the moon or gay kissing or the found family trope or whatever, Ugh Cringe. 

and i just cant have that anymore. i cant bear to think about my, like, Special Interest anymore, because everything on earth comes back to how theres money involved and everything about how we deal with money is evil and people are always suffering and corporations are always ruining everything and nothing ever ever ever ever gets better nothing will ever be okay. and having that in the back of your mind nonstop, with constant external affirmation, is like. not good for you. like i think maybe... guys... im maybe allowed to be depressed. even if i dont like, know anyone whos died. (my paternal grandma did die last spring but it wasn’t covid.) This is a great revelation to arrive at. i don’t know what to do with it now though. like it does feel good to be able to blame something like it’s external, like ohh okay i feel bad this week (the past two months) (the past year) (my whole life) Because Of Depression, but it doesn’t... solve it. it’s not preventing next week from being differently bad in a way that it’ll take me a while to recognize yet again. but like at least im not suicidal like 2018 <3 im just. frustrated and sad.

i also kinda dont know why i’m posting about this. i guess i don’t really talk on here anymore but i also feel like i’ve been exhausting my friends lately with my bad moods and in particular, my need to Talk About everything. (theoretically i know that being a person who copes by venting/needs to talk through their feelings is like, a value neutral thing, people are just different from each other. but since a percentage lower than 100 of my friends are not the same way i decide oh okay this is evil and revolting.) so im just kinda. getting it out. here’s how im doing, how about you,

[slapshot-to-the-heart]

Flatbush & Atlantic: part viii

part i part ii part iii part iv part v part vi part vii

Here’s part viii! Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell your dog, tell the nosy woman who lives in the apartment above you. Remember to reblog, it helps the series reach more people, and as always - tell me what you think! I haven’t gotten much feedback so far and would love to know everyone’s thoughts, even if it’s only a few words.

part viii

April 19 (sun)

Cass was the most nervous she had been in her entire life. Okay, well maybe that was an overstatement. That honor probably went to the night law school acceptances went out, or when she sat with Alejandra — a friend from back in Texas — as they thought DACA was going to get rescinded, or when her dad lost his job when she was in middle school and their family was living paycheck-to-paycheck. It was Game 6 of the first round, the Islanders leading the series 3-2. The score was tied 1-1 halfway through the second period, a beautiful tip-in by Nelson that managed to just squeak past Mrazek. They had been up 3 games to none at the start of the series, with every intention to sweep the Hurricanes in Game 4 at home. But then they dropped two in a row — needless to say, tensions were running high coming into the night. 

She was sat up in the club box with the WAGs and some other family members who had flown in for the occasion, in hopes that they’d be able to celebrate a win and a move to the conference semifinals. The team probably could have used with tightening up their backcheck, but the passes were spot-on and Cass didn’t see much room to complain. Lauren on the chair opposite, she sat next to Paige as the clock hit eight minutes left, clutching a glass of white wine as her foot nervously tapped the carpet. Paige placed a steadying hand on her arm. “They’re going to pull it off, you know.”

Cass ran a hand through her hair. “That’s what I keep trying to tell myself. And I know they’ve got the talent, and these guys are some of the hardest workers I know, but—”

“It’s hard trying to rationalize it,” Paige finished.

“Yeah,” Cass nodded, “and especially knowing how long the team’s gone without a cup, like it’s been, what,” she glanced at the banners in the rafters, “38 years since they’ve won?. That’s 13 years before I was even born.”

Paige looked down at the ice thoughtfully. “I guess there’s really not much you can do in these situations but have faith that all the training and all the effort’s going to eventually pay off.”

“I guess you’re right,” Cass said, though if she was being honest she didn’t like the subjectivity of the statement. Shitty things happen to good people all the time, bad people get away with terrible things all the time, and people who have worked their asses off don’t always get what they’ve spent their entire lives working toward. 

There were just under six minutes left on the clock, and the first line had just gone back on. Anders took the faceoff, and Cass was so focused on the puck that she didn’t notice the gloves dropping on the other side of the ice until Paige let out a gasp, gently shaking her out of her trance. She was thrown for a minute; sure, fights were more uncommon since the league started cracking down on penalties, but they weren’t uncommon, so why did it matter that she paid any attention? 

Five seconds later, and she understood. It was Mat. It took Cass a few seconds to really grasp it — Mat wasn’t a fighter by any means, she had never seen him in one even before they got together, so what had finally set him off? They traded punches as the refs struggled to get a handle on the situation, jerseys riding up as Cass’ hand squeezed like a vice grip on Paige’s knee. She was too anxious to even figure out who the other player was, just that he was tall and blond and had one fist gripping Mat’s collar as he dodged one of his blows. Mat tried to steady himself, tried to realign his center of gravity, but then the other player threw a punch at the side of his face and it clipped his cheek as he tried to avoid it and he couldn’t get his balance back and he fell. Hard. Helmets had gone off before the fight had even started, so there was nothing in between his head and the ice. 

Cass’ hands flew up to her mouth, and Lauren had to stop her from sliding off the edge of her lounge chair. There was blood, and it was coming from his head, and if there was one thing her mother’s 30 years as a nurse had taught her, it was that blood from the head was never a good sign. “I think I’m going to be sick,” she whispered, feeling the bile rise up in her throat. Scratch anything she had said before, this was hands-down the most scared she’d ever been in her life. The love of her life was bleeding from his head down on the ice, and he wasn’t moving. 

You could have heard a pin drop in Barclay’s Center as the whole crowd waited for Mat to get up. And waited. And waited. Cassidy barely noticed him being helped up by Jordan; she was already running through the halls, Paige right beside her, frantically pressing the down button on the elevator to take them to the dressing room. She didn’t pay any attention to the usher who was telling her that they were private elevators because Mat was hurt and he was bleeding and oh God oh God oh God I need to get to him I need to get to him. 

She leaned her head against the cool metal of the side panel, long since having abandoned her efforts to control her tears as Paige tried desperately to comfort her. “The team has really good doctors, and if he needs a hospital, we have the best ones in the world right here in New York,” she said, but her words fell on deaf ears. Cass’ head jerked up. The elevator had dinged, indicating that they had finally reached the underground level. She turned left, headed straight for the locker room. There was no way he would have been left on the bench. Cass knew enough about hockey and enough about injuries to know that a hit that hard and blood that bad meant that he’d be taken right back.

By this time, she knew the way as good as anyone, and didn’t care who would try and stop her from getting in the room. Come hell or high water, she was going to see Mat. She passed the handful of puzzled arena staff, bursting into the locker room. “I’ll be out here,” Paige had said, but it barely registered. Mat was in a room off to the side, and thank God the trainer was one who recognized her, because he nodded at her as she lingered by the door, unspoken permission that she could enter. Cass rushed to Mat’s side, his eyes screwed shut in pain as the trainer  — Carter, was it? Nick? She really couldn’t remember much of anything at the moment  — held a pad of gauze to his head with a gloved hand. 

“Doctor should be here any minute, Mat, just hang on,” he said. 

Cass knelt down, hands shaking as she laced her fingers through his. “It’s going to be okay, Mat. You’re going to be okay.”

Mat opened his eyes just a sliver. “Cass?”

“Yeah, babe. I’m here.”

The door opened again, a man with a medical bag walking through the corridor and into the side room. “Dr. Khan,” he said to the trainer as he set the bag down, unclasping it. “Nick,” he responded. So it was Nick, Cass thought absentmindedly. 

“I was watching from a box when it happened, got down as soon as I could. So, his head hit the ice? No helmet?” Nick nodded as Dr. Khan snapped his own pair of gloves on. He turned to Cass. “Are you the wife?” For a moment, Cass was thrown. He may have been a doctor, but this man really couldn’t have known much about the team if he thought one of their star players was married. If Mat Barzal was married, everyone would know. 

After a moment, she shook her head. “No. Girlfriend.”

He nodded. “Okay. I’m fine with you staying as long as you keep out of the way, it shouldn’t take too long.” He turned to Nick. “A/O questions?”

“Knew his name, knew the year, knew where we are, knew who she is,” he tilted his head over at Cass. 

“Good, good,” Dr. Khan said, moving over to take his place at the head of the table. “Head wounds bleed a lot,” he said reassuringly, looking over at where Cass stood, her nails bit down to nubs. She thought she’d quit the habit in fifth grade. “It shouldn’t need more than a staple or two.” 

True to his word, fifteen minutes later the bleeding had subsided substantially, and Mat was sporting two very shiny, brand-new staples. “I’m sorry we had to shave a little, your lovely girlfriend was telling me how much pride you take in your hair. It’ll grow back quickly,” the doctor said. 

Mat let out a groan. “I’m going to lose all of my millions of adoring fans. The hair’s all I got, you know.”

Dr. Khan chuckled. “I’m glad to see you’re in good spirits. I’m going to diagnose you with a moderate concussion. It could have been a lot worse, but you got lucky this time.” He turned to Cass. “Would you be able to stay with him for the next few days? He should be able to manage, but it’s always better safe than sorry and it would be good for him to have someone around in case anything comes up.” 

Cass nodded. “Yeah. I’m in school, but outside of that. Yeah. I can stay.” 

Nick walked back through the door, handing a few printouts to Cass. “Just some concussion stuff for you to know. Activities for him to avoid, symptoms to be aware of, what to do if things get worse. That kind of thing.” 

Cass took the sheets. “Do you think things will get worse?” She asked worriedly. 

Dr. Khan shook his head. “It’s not likely, seeing as how he’s relatively aware and the concussion could have been much more severe. But it’s always better to err on the side of caution when it comes to any medical situation.”

She nodded, nervously rubbing Mat’s thumb. “Should I...take him home now?” She asked, trying to think of how she was going to take him back to Manhattan on the train when lights and loud noises were the exact thing he was supposed to be avoiding right now, or how much an hour long Uber would cost. 

“I’d like to keep him for a little longer, an hour or so, just for observation to make sure symptoms don’t get any worse.”

The next hour seemed to inch by, dotted with visits from Nick and Dr. Khan and one from Trotz during the second intermission. Mat was going to be out for somewhere in the vicinity of two weeks; everything was dependent on him being medically cleared and a slow return to training and team practices. The news gutted him. It wasn’t just that Mat loved hockey, he loved being out on the ice and in the thick of the action and with his team, his brothers, and it just seemed so patently unfair that he wasn’t going to be able to do that when they needed him the most. Doing the math, he had realized with heart-wrenching certainty that that meant he would maybe be able to make the last few games of the conference semifinals, and that was only if they made it that far. It wasn’t that he didn’t have faith in his team, but the knowledge that he wouldn’t be able to do anything but sit on the bench in a suit and hand out waters ate away at him. 

Someone, maybe one of the equipment managers, had taken the liberty of packing up Mat’s things, and Cass was poking around trying to find his keys. He was pretty coherent by then, but still in no state to drive. She slung the bag over her shoulder, trying not to groan at its weight — she’d definitely be sore tomorrow — and helped him out of the locker room and back to the players’ parking lot, half-heartedly waving goodbye to the handful of players and staff that were still trickling out. The ride back to his apartment was quiet, and Mat barely acknowledged the news that the team had eked out a win with a powerplay goal late in the third. They were going to the second round, and it killed him that he might not get to be a part of it. 

She parked in the underground lot, taking the bag once again despite Mat’s insistence that he could carry it himself, their ride up the elevator accompanied by a strangely specific playlist that was mostly comprised of late 2000s pop. “I slow danced with my first boyfriend to this song at our freshman year homecoming dance,” Cass said. 

The corner of Mat’s mouth twitched up. “I Won’t Give Up?” She nodded. “What was his name?” 

“Justin. He played varsity basketball, I did lacrosse and field hockey. We were the jockiest couple at school for the all of four months we dated,” she said wistfully. “He was a good guy, but I should have known things weren’t going to work out. He had a lot of growing up to do.”

Mat hummed in acknowledgement as she opened the door. “I didn’t know you played field hockey.”

Cass let out a laugh. “Wrong surface, I know. But yeah, I did, through junior year of high school. Dropped it senior year to focus on lacrosse and college stuff.”

“But you still did lacrosse in university,” he said, more like a statement than anything. 

She nodded. “Club, yeah. It would have been cool to be on the school team, but D1 sports are super competitive, and I didn’t have time between A Phi and the Mexican Student Association and honors stuff there would have been no way I could have made it all work.”

He kissed the top of her head. “Anyone ever told you you’re a bit of an overachiever?”

She glared at him. “You’re lucky you’re injured, or I would have slapped you.” Heading over to the kitchen, she called over her shoulder, “I’m getting some water, do you want anything?” 

“Water would be great.” Cass came back a minute later, handing him his glass. She looked at her watch. Past midnight. Then she looked at her phone, which she hadn’t checked since the middle of the game and which had understandably blown up since then. She responded to texts from Paige and Lauren and Kerry, sent Chris a message that she’d need tomorrow off to look after Mat, reassured Noah that Mat was fine and would be back on the ice as soon as humanly possible. Her brow furrowed. Three missed messages from the apartment’s group chat, The Fantastic Four, named largely due to the fact that Cass may or may not have had a not-so-little crush on Human Torch as a middle schooler; once the girls had gotten the story out of her, they never let her live it down. 

10:44 - Ryanne: When do you think you’ll be back? Made spaghetti and wasn’t sure if I should leave it out for you or put it in the fridge.

11:17 - Stella: Were you taking the subway home?

11:39 - Alicia: I saw on Twitter Mat got hurt, is everything okay? Do you need anything?

11:55 - Alicia: Cass? You good?

“Shit,” Cass breathed, shutting her eyes for a moment. 

Mat looked concerned, scratching at an itch under his gauze. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Cass said, typing a response. There was almost nothing she hated more than worrying people. Oh my gosh I’m so sorry guys! Yes, I’m good, Mat’s okay too. It’s a concussion so he’ll be out of play for a few weeks, but thank God it’s not worse. I hadn’t checked my phone since he got hurt, I’m so sorry to worry y’all!! I’m over at his, the doctor said he should have someone watching him for a few days just in case. I might come pick up a few things tomorrow, but I’ll be back Wednesday :)

Mat stuck his tongue through his teeth and let out a sigh. “I’m sorry you have to deal with all this,” he gestured at his head, “it shouldn’t be your responsibility.” 

Cass smiled softly at him, leaning gently into his side. “It’s okay, I don’t mind it, taking care of you and all. Plus, acts of service are my number one love language.” He laughed. “But,” she started hesitantly, “I’ve got to ask. You’re not really a fighter.” His arm tensed around her, knowing what was coming. “So what made you drop the gloves? You don’t really ever let these things get to you.”

“Yeah,” Mat sighed. He really should have expected the question sooner, it wasn’t like it was an avoidable situation. “Um, he had just been chirping me for most of the game, just stuff about how I’m all talk and no talent, about my points drought earlier in the season, stuff like that.”

“And?” Cass pressed, knowing that there was something he was holding back. She wanted to help him, and she couldn’t do that without the full story. 

“And you,” he admitted. “It’s not really that unusual for guys to chirp each other about girlfriends, but he was just saying some pretty nasty stuff about you. Just sexist, gross stuff. No one should say that about a girl, doesn’t matter who she is.” 

As unfortunate as it was, Cass was pretty sure she knew exactly what had been said about her. She was a woman — a young, attractive woman — living in New York City, which was practically the world capital of catcalling, and her earbuds could only drown out so much. But still, Mat’s response had her heart skip a beat. “Thank you for defending my honor,” she said sweetly, turning her head to give him a kiss on the cheek. 

He blushed. “If I could go back? I’d do it all over again.”

 April 27 (tues)

 Cass scrolled through her Twitter feed as she waited for Mat to arrive at the deli for lunch. It had been a week and a half since the injury, and things were definitely progressing — though not as fast as Mat would have hoped. She had stayed with him for a few days until he was feeling back to his old self, and though Mat hadn’t exactly been thrilled by Cass having to wake him up every three hours to be sure that he wasn’t, you know, dead, he had been a pretty good sport overall. 

Reading and excessive screen use was on the no-no list she’d been given by Dr. Khan, so Mat had taken to a lot of listening to music and trying valiantly to pick back up his guitar skills once he was feeling up to it. Skills was perhaps a generous word, Cass thought, since the only song he had been able to play with any confidence by the end of the week was Rockstar by Nickleback. “It’s not that bad,” he had said defensively. “They get a bad rep.” Cass wasn’t so sure about that, but thought it would be a bit of a dick move to criticize his music taste, so she refrained. 

She was jerked out of her thoughts by Mat, who greeted her with a bright smile and a kiss on the forehead. “How was your day, babe?” 

She shrugged. “Pretty good, nothing special. Just got out of a Contracts seminar. Nothing quite as thrilling as debating the precedent set by Supreme Court cases from the 1980s.” 

Mat barked out a laugh. “I’m sure. I don’t think I’d understand a single word of what they said, but that just proves what I already knew.”

“Which is?”

“That you’re ten times smarter than I am.” Cass laughed, and he opened the door. “Now, I’m starving. I want food.”

“Good thing we came to a deli, then,” Cass said dryly. 

He snickered. “Guess I walked right into that one.” The couple stopped in front of the menu. “What’s good here?”

“Besides everything?” Cass asked. “Roast beef sandwich, grilled chicken’s pretty good too. And obviously the pastrami.”

Mat shifted from one food to another. “I’ve never actually had one,” he admitted. 

Cass turned to look at him slowly, eyes wide. “You’ve never had a pastrami on rye?” He shook his head. “You’ve lived in New York for, what, almost four years now? And you’ve never had a pastrami sandwich?” 

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Mat mumbled. 

“Oh, it is,” Cass said, as they reached the counter. “I take my sandwiches very seriously, Mathew, and you’re about to find out why.” She waved to the man behind the counter. “Carlos!” Jabbering in rapid-fire Spanish as he assembled the sandwiches, she pulled out her wallet to pay before Mat even got the chance. “Él es mi novio,” she said, answering Carlos’ unspoken question and tapping her card on the reader. “Gracias, te veré pronto!” She grabbed the bag of sandwiches, Mat following her out the door as they walked down the block, peeling off to a side road with a small park. Cass shifted her backpack off, setting it on the ground beneath a small table that had become one of her go-to lunch spots since she, Les, and Fiona stumbled across it in their first year. 

“So it seems like you’ve known Carlos for awhile?” Mat asked, unwrapping the sandwich.

Cass nodded, biting into hers and letting out an almost-euphoric moan. 

Mat raised an eyebrow. “You usually save that for the bedroom.”

Almost choking, she swallowed the bite, leaning over the table and lightly slapping his arm. “Mat! But yeah, he started working at the deli sometime in spring of my first year. He moved from Puerto Rico, so that’s why we were speaking Spanish.”

“What was that you called me back there, anyways? Nuevo?”

Cass snorted into her coffee. “Nuevo means new. I called you my novio. It’s the word for serious boyfriend. Or fiancé, really. The language doesn’t make much of a distinction.” Cass sipped slowly, deciding to hazard a question. “How has your recovery been going?”

Mat perked up. Anything relating to hockey and he was all ears. “It’s going well, yeah. I was cleared to start working out the other day, they did some scans and said that everything looks like how it should, which is a relief. I’ve been a little dizzy but nothing serious,” he quickly added, seeing Cass’ nervous glance, “and I go back in two days to see if I can get back to training with the team. A day or two of that and fingers crossed, I’d be ready to play a game if we’re still in it.” The team was down 2-1 to the Capitals, and Mat had been tearing his hair out the entire week, frustrated beyond belief that he couldn’t do anything to help. He was a hockey player, a damn good one at that, and there was nothing he could do but sit in front of his TV and watch his team fall behind in the series. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to be out there, scoring and making hits and making a difference, not cooped up like some toddler with a list of things he couldn’t do and couldn’t touch.

Cass could see that he was starting to retreat a little bit, so she reached out, squeezing his hand. “Hey, chou, listen to me.” He looked up. “I know it’s frustrating for you. Believe me, I know how much you want to be out there and how useless you might feel right now, but that’s all bullshit, you hear me?” Her eyes softened. “The best thing you can do for the boys right now is work out when you can, listen to your doctors, and focus on getting better. The city wants their golden boy back, and as cute as your pout is,” Mat’s lips twitched, “it doesn’t do anyone any good, least of all you.”

Cass was nearly done with her sandwich when Mat spoke again. “Graduation’s coming up fast, huh? What is it, a month from now?”

She nodded, picking up a napkin and dabbing at the mustard by the corner of her mouth. “Yeah, it’s the 22, so a little under a month now.”

“Is your whole family coming down?” 

“Yeah,” Cass said, bounding her head. “Everyone’s able to make it, which is awesome, and so much more than I expected. Eliana gets out of school the week earlier, so it’s not a problem for her, and it’s on a Saturday so it’s a non-issue for Noah and my parents. My nana’s driving down with my family, and my mom’s parents are flying from Hermosillo.”

Mat gave her a confused look. “I thought they lived in Texas?”

“They started splitting time after they retired, they were the only ones who immigrated so all of their relatives were still down in Mexico,” Cass explained.

“Got it.”

She continued. “Yeah, so I’m really lucky that everyone’s able to make it, it’s been forever since the whole family was together. Which reminds me,” she said, pulling out her phone and sending a quick text, “I need to get their flight info. I promised to pick them up from JFK.” 

“Why don’t I come with you?” Mat asked quickly.

Cass was confused. “What if you’re still playing?”

He waved his hand. “Obviously not then. But if we’re not, I’d love to come. I could drive around so you wouldn’t have to pay for parking, and it would be nice to meet them before your graduation.” The unspoken addendum was if I’m able to make it. Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals was scheduled on the day of Cass’ graduation; Mat knew that realistically, the chances of making it that far were slim, but the thought of not being able to celebrate with her, celebrate her, caused a pang in his heart. 

Her smile could have lit up the sun. “I’d love that, I really would. And you’re going to love my grandparents. I’ve told them so much about you and they’re excited to finally meet you in person.”

Mat beamed. “I’m glad. Hey,” he added, treading lightly. “Have you heard back from any of the places you’ve applied yet?” He knew of at least a half-dozen firms and nonprofits she’d interviewed with, but if any of them had resulted in an offer yet, she hadn’t told him.

Cass looked down at her hands. This was the conversation she had been dreading ever since last week. “Cass?” Mat asked again, more hesitantly this time. He could tell something was up. “Uh, yeah.” She said, tucking a stray curl behind her ear. “Yeah, I have. You remember that tech company I interviewed with the other week?

“Yeah, the ones that do computers and stuff?” Mat asked, confused. If she got the job, then why did she seem so nervous?

She nodded. “Yeah. They got back to me a few days ago...and they offered a position.” 

Mat stood up, ready to walk around the table and wrap her in a massive bear hug. “Cass!” He exclaimed. “That’s awesome! You said it sounded like really interesting stuff, and the company’s in New York so you wouldn’t even have to move—”

“That’s the thing,” Cass said, cutting him off. “They’re headquartered in New York, and I thought I was applying for a position in New York, but it turns out everything was ‘space available,’ whatever that means.” She finally looked up at Mat. “The job’s in Hong Kong.”

He feels like he’s had the wind knocked out of him, and sat back down in his seat hard. So hard, in fact, that he almost knocked it over, but he barely noticed. Hong Kong? That’s a whole country and the world’s largest ocean away, and the thought of losing her to a whole different country wasn’t something he ever could have anticipated. He’s finally gotten something so good, someone so good, and the thought that it could all be taken away in the blink of an eye was a possibility he hadn’t even allowed himself to consider. 

Mat swallows. “Are you...Are you going to take it?” He asks thickly. She looks down at the coffee cup in her hands, the same speckled white-and-blue one Mat gave her back in the fall. God, October seems like a lifetime away from where they are now. “I don’t know,” she admitted, and he felt a weight lifted off of his chest. “I don’t even know if I want it, and I didn’t want…,” she tapped her fingers on the scratched stone table, “I didn’t want to decide anything without talking it over with you first.” 

His head felt like lead when he tried to nod. “Okay, yeah. That makes sense. So, let’s talk.”

“It’s not something I ever saw myself doing,” Cass said.

“The moving to a foreign country part or the job itself?” Mat asked. 

Cass scrunched her nose. “Both, I guess. Sure, I applied to places all across the country, but that was more for job security than anything. I needed cash flow to start paying off my loans, and as much as I love nonprofit and pro-bono work, it doesn’t really pay well. That’s sort of the whole point. 

Mat reached behind himself to throw the sandwich wrapper into the trash can. “Do you like what they’d be having you do?”

“It’s contracts and negotiations, so it’s interesting enough. I like the topic and I know I’m good at it. But it’s not what I originally imagined for myself,” she conceded.

“What did you think you’d be doing?”

Cass let out a strained breath. “When I first got to law school, I was convinced I’d do immigration law. I’m passionate about it, feel like I’ve got a stake in the matter, and Spanish fluency is a really good skill to have in the field. And I loved getting to work in the clinic on deportation appeals. The day I got a stay for my first client was one of the happiest days of my life,” she added. Mat couldn’t help but smile. Even with mountains of uncertainty threatening to topple over on them, Cass had such a good heart and he’d always be proud of that. “But I’ve loved what I’ve gotten to do with Chris in the office. If I’m being honest, I didn’t think that I’d like it.”

Mat’s curiosity was piqued. “How come?”

“I think part of it had to do with how rushed and nervous I felt about the whole thing. It was pretty much my last chance and I really just threw my application together without thinking. I didn’t have time to worry if I’d actually like what I was going to be doing. It might just be my Rangers bias coming through, but I think I thought it would just be Scandal-type dealing with dumb shit players did, getting them off the hook for drunken escapades or finding contractual loopholes to save the team money on the salary cap.” She shrugged. “I’m glad I was wrong.”

“So,” Mat said said slowly, “if this isn’t the kind of work you wantedto do, why are you thinking about taking the job?”

“Couple of things,” Cass said. “The company culture is really good, by all accounts they hanuinely care about their environmental impact and worker’s rights, they make sure everyone on the supply chain is given a living wage. Good upward mobility, and there’s a half-dozen offices around the world that you can apply to transfer to after five years. Benefits and salary are are some of the best I’ve seen for new hires.”

“But would you be happy?” Mat asked, so softly that she almost missed it. 

Would I? Cass thought. It was never the plan for her to move so far away; she’s never lived further than a few hours from home and as much as she hated to admit it, the prospect of not being in the same time zone as her family terrified her. What if her abuelo has another stroke, and she’s halfway across the world? What if she’s not able to hold her brother when he goes through his first heartbreak? What if she isn’t there to kiss Mat when he hoists the Stanley Cup for the first time? But what if she hates herself because she never took the chance? She finally looks back up, feeling like Mat’s hazel eyes are boring straight into her soul. “I don’t know.”

[aleteia-ff]

1000 followers! | The Phantom of the Archipelago - Sneak Preview

Ohhh, yes!

Thank you, everyone, for your support. This week, I passed the milestone of 1000 Tumblr followers. I have only been on this website for 11 months by now and the amount of love and support I’ve received from this community, the people I’ve gotten to know... I’m so happy I joined! <3

Now, because you guys make me so happy, I want to do something back. And since a lot of you probably started following me because of The Phantom of the Arena, I wanted it to be related to that fic. And although I’m still working on building enough buffer of it’s sequel, The Phantom of the Archipelago, before I actually start posting, I figured I could at least share the draft of one scene from one of the first chapters. 

To say it’s a major scene would be an understatement. 

Obviously, spoilers below the Keep Reading line ;) 

And just a reminder that my ask box is always open! I might take some time to answer them, but in the end I always will. And I will try my hardest to work through some of the asks still in there. 

You can also always find me on Discord in the #aleteias-fics channel!

Hiccup let his gaze wander towards the far side of the island, intuitively scanning Berk’s dense forests for the little clearing in the middle of the trees. For the place he’d loved, and had later come to hate because of how his father had tainted it. But when his eyes found the all-too-familiar spot with ease, he decided that it wouldn’t be that bad to revisit after all.

He nudged Toothless to glide downwards, the two of them staying low and circling the cliffs before soaring over the treetops. Not that anyone was ever looking towards the sky the way Hiccup did, but he’d rather be safe than sorry. Especially on a clear and sunny day like this.

Or perhaps that had changed too over the past couple of years.

Toothless warbled happily when they descended into the cove. Hiccup rolled his eyes, patting the dragon’s neck. “As if you didn’t know where we were going already. You’re flying this thing too, remember?”

They circled around to confirm they were indeed alone, and then skimmed over the pond, the tips of Toothless’ wings just breaking the water’s surface. Hiccup took off his right glove, leaning sidewards to let his scarred fingertips trail through the fresh water, sending a shiver down his spine. He released the straps that secured his feet to the pedals, readying himself to dismount. He didn’t use the straps that often these days, but they were a welcome safety measure when spying on villages, hanging from a cliff. Although he’d definitely let himself drop on purpose a few times, as an excuse to use his own wings.

It was all about danger assessment. And after eleven years of flying, there wasn’t much that could surprise him anymore.

He yelped when that thought was immediately proven wrong as Toothless made an abrupt tight turn, sending him flying all on his own. He realised reaching for his wings was futile just before he hit the water with a loud splash!.

He gasped as he came back up for air, frantically looking around from behind the hair stuck to his forehead in search of an explanation. And broke into a chuckle when he caught sight of his drenched dragon, wading towards him with a proud, gummy smile.

“Good to see at least one of us hasn’t grown up since we first ‘flew’ together all those years ago,” he teased.

Toothless moved one of his wings, but Hiccup ducked under water, avoiding the retaliatory splash, throwing water right back at his best friend when he came back up.

They continued to wrestle and tease each other, both of them somehow ending up even more drenched than before, until Hiccup decided he was done and swam towards the shore. Toothless gave his best Scauldron impression as his rider got out, almost making him fall flat on his face when the water hit his back. He stuck out his tongue towards the dragon, removed his helmet, and shook his head, getting rid of most of the water as he took apart Inferno, confirming none of its vital parts had been soaked. Some of it needed oiling - and he couldn’t wait to get around to that - but not like this.

He looked around, a satisfied smile spreading across his lips as he surveyed the cove. It was exactly like he remembered. Frozen in time, the only thing that had changed in the past eleven years the removal of the shield he’d clumsily lodged between two rocks at its entrance, and of course, his remembrance stone.

In honour of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III

Berk’s Bravest Dragon Killer

He found he no longer minded the text. Because it was finally true. And if people chose to remember him for killing that one dragon that had tormented them for so many generations, then he’d settle for that. It was a lot better than being remembered as a Viking-hating terrorist, he supposed.

He sat back against the stone, comfortably leaning against it as Toothless continued to splash around behind him.

“It feels good to be here again,” he murmured to himself. “Now that the memories are no longer tainted, and I can just… Enjoy them.”

He remembered it all like it was only yesterday. How he’d been both scared and then incredibly excited to find Toothless there on that first day, wondering why the dragon was sticking around before he’d spotted his missing tail, instantly realising he’d done that and, more disturbingly, that he felt incredibly sorry for it.

How they’d locked eyes from a distance, and how that look had stayed with him from that moment on. Prompting him to seek out the dragon again the next day and end up swallowing a way too large bite of slimy, raw, regurgitated fish.

It had only been uphill from there… All the afternoons he’d spent in the cove, observing Toothless, learning who he was and interacting with him, closing that gap bit by bit until it had felt no more than simply right - although still thoroughly nerve-wracking - to extend his palm towards the Unholy Offspring of Lightning and Death itself. And how his entire world had changed when Toothless had pressed his snout against it.

He trailed the scars on his face with his left hand, once again mapping out every line as if he hadn’t already memorised them long ago. He’d been through a lot since he’d met Toothless. Lost a lot. But it was the one thing he’d do again, and again, no matter how many new attempts at life he might get. Because he couldn’t imagine a world without his best friend in it.

“I love you, Bud,” he told the dragon, who warbled a ‘I love you too’ in return.

He closed his eyes, enjoying the sun on his face as he waited for his hair and armour to dry, allowing himself to slightly doze off. He went back to those first attempts at getting Toothless back into the air, at all the failures they’d gone through before they’d actually made it out of the cove. Let alone gone for an actual flight, the first of which had gone anything but smoothly. But he’d enjoyed every second of it. The wind on his face, the saltiness of the sea in his nostrils, the two people shouting in the distance…

His eyes flew open and he put up his hand. Toothless instantly stopped moving, not a sound in the air for a mere moment. And then he heard it. A clear, audible “Wait up!”, echoing through the forest. Louder than before.

Coming towards them.

“Hide!” he hissed at Toothless as he scrambled to his feet, the distance between them too big for them to reconnect and fly away unseen. He sprinted after his dragon, the two of them disappearing behind a boulder in the back end of the cove. He snuck a look over his shoulder, spotting a figure at the top of the cove’s entrance.

A child.

He held his breath, peeking from the shadows, but the kid didn’t seem to have seen him, or the large black dragon currently breathing down his neck. Good. Now he just had to get out of here unseen as well.

“Hey, H!” - Hiccup’s heart skipped a beat, before he realised the kid’s name probably started with an H - “Not so fast!” he heard, coming from the forest once again.

He furrowed his brows, a surprised whisper escaping him. “Tuffnut?”

“I can do it myself!” the child - a boy - shouted back before he started to make his way down the cliff at the cove’s entrance.

“I know you can, but your mother will kill me if I let you,” the man repeated, and surely, Tuffnut Thorston appeared at the top of the cliff, gesturing at the boy, who was climbing down a lot faster than Hiccup would have assumed a child his size could.

“Tuffnut has a son?” he murmured, but Toothless just huffed, also clueless. “Kid doesn’t look much like him.”

Based on his length, the boy couldn’t be older than four, five at best. So he’d likely been born after the Phantom had left Berk. He searched his memory, wondering if he’d ever seen Tuffnut with a woman whose hair remotely resembled the kid’s unruly mop of auburn. He’d seen Tuffnut with many children today and yesterday, but when it came to a wife, he came up empty-handed.

“I didn’t think he even liked women to begin with,” he confessed, grinningly recalling the time Tuffnut had unknowingly flirted with the Phantom. “Guess we learn something new every day.”

“Then I want to fly down,” the boy insisted, pausing on the edge of one of the rocks, leaning forward and peering down in a way that made Hiccup’s stomach churn.

Tuffnut caught up with him, grabbing the boy’s arm and gently pulling him back. “You can’t fly. You’re not a dragon.”

“But I want to be a dragon!”

Tuffnut knelt down, putting his hands on the boy’s shoulders. “And I will still love you even if your breath smells like rotten fish, Little Hamster. But if you want to fly, you should grow some wings first.”

“So I should eat more raw fish?”

Hiccup grinned. Clever boy.

“No, then you’ll get sick, and we don’t want that, now do we?” The boy shook his head, his hair flopping around. “Although between you and me, it’s probably not that much worse than your mom’s cooking.”

“Berkian women and being bad cooks. Name a better duo,” Hiccup chuckled. He’d understood from his dad that his mom hadn’t been stellar, and Astrid surely couldn’t be called remotely talented either. He thought back to the fish stew she’d once tried to make, and instantly felt sympathy for Tuffnut’s situation.

The boy laughed loudly. “I’m gonna tell Mum you said that!”

“Go ahead, snitch,” Tuffnut teased, poking the boy’s chest. “I can take her on any day.”

The boy shook his head. “You can’t! No one can!”

“Are you doubting my mighty Thorston blood? There’s ‘Thor’ in my name for a reason, you know!” Tuffnut caught the boy in his arms, tickling him. “Are you, huh?”

“Stop!” the boy laughed, swatting at his father. “Uncle Tuff!”

Or not his father, then.

Hiccup bit his lip. Perhaps he was one of Ruffnut’s, then? But he thought he’d seen Snotlout with a girl of about the same age as the boy… Twins, then? They did run in the Thorston family, after all. Or perhaps they were siblings who weren’t that far apart, and one of them looked a lot older or younger than they actually were.

He felt he should leave, that he was peeking at something private, something he shouldn’t see. But he simply couldn’t. Instead, he quietly retrieved one of his Changewing skins and hung it over his head, allowing him to blend in with his surroundings and creep forward so he could get a better look. Behind him, Toothless warbled curiously, but he nudged the dragon back with his foot, telling him it wasn’t safe enough.

“Alright, wait here,” Tuffnut told the boy before he climbed down the remaining rocks, opening up his arms when he reached the bottom. “Ready when you are!”

The boy leapt forward, landing in Tuffnut’s arms. He spun the two of them around, keeping the boy high up in the air, making him squeal in delight until he finally put him down, Tuffnut visibly swaying on his feet as he tried to regain his balance.

Hiccup could see the comedic duo more clearly now. Tuffnut was still wearing his usual disorganised combination of a tunic, vest and lustrous assortment of spiked accessories. The boy was dressed way more conservatively, in a dark red tunic, half of it tucked into a pair of brown pants, the other half unintentionally hanging out, a leather satchel with the crest of Berk on it slung over his shoulder. Hiccup had always had good eyes - Astrid had noticed he could make out certain details from high up in the air, while she couldn’t - allowing him to spot the smattering of freckles on the bridge of the boy’s small nose, the tips of his big ears peeking through his copper hair and his forest green eyes, which curiously taking in his surroundings.

In a way, the boy struck him as oddly familiar. Then again, he had likely once met a Thorston who looked just like him, given how colourful and diverse - not just mentally - the family was. Tuffnut and Ruffnut were rather tame by comparison. Or so he’d been told, by enough sources to make the stories believable.

“Go on,” Tuffnut gestured in front of him as he sat down in the grass. “We’re here for you, after all.”

The boy adamantly shook his head. “Not for me. For Daddy.”

“Because you want to talk to him, Hamish,” Tuffnut pointed out.

Hamish. Huh. Hiccup could understand that name becoming fashionable again after he’d personally destroyed the portraits of his ancestors, Hamish I and Hamish II, five years ago. But it seemed like such an usual name for Ruffnut and Snotlout to give to their son. Especially if he was their firstborn son; then he was Snotlout’s heir… It’d be more logical for him to be named in the -lout tradition, but perhaps they had wanted to give off a clear sign by naming him after the great Haddock Chiefs, who had been defiled by their actual descendant.

How un-Thorstonly political.

The boy nodded and slowly walked forward to the edge of the pond, looking down and fidgeting with his hands. Eventually, he stopped in front of Hiccup’s remembrance stone, a bright lop-sided smile spreading across his face. “Hey Daddy.”

Hiccup furrowed his brows, because all of this was only making less and less sense the longer he watched. Was the boy’s father dead? And had his stone become a place to go to to think of other dead, or presumed-dead, people? Or those who simply weren’t around?

“Mama’s not here, but she said it’s okay if I go alone,” the boy - Hamish - continued.

Only to be corrected by Tuffnut. “If someone else goes with you!”

Hamish huffed, looking at Tuffnut. “But I know the way!”

“And you can go alone when you’re older. Until then, you can show an adult how to get here whenever you want,” Tuffnut quipped.

“I’m old enough,” Hamish insisted.

“I disagree. And so does your mother. And while she’s not the boss of me, she’s certainly the boss of you.”

Hamish frowned angrily, but Tuffnut simply grinned at him in response. “So what did you want to say to your dad?”

The boy wavered for a moment, his brows furrowed as he seemed to be thinking, but then his face opened up into a wide smile. He fumbled with his satchel, retrieving something black from it, and walked closer to the stone, proudly holding it up. Hiccup squinted, trying to make out what it was. And then the boy spoke.

“Look, Daddy, I brought Mini-Toothless!”

He only vaguely heard how Toothless purred in response to his name. Because right then, the ground underneath him disappeared, and the entire world along with it. Until there was nothing left but that boy, and the little statuette he held in his hands.

Of a Night Fury.

Which he’d carved and painted for Astrid as a Snoggletog present over five years ago.

“Mummy told me to take care of him while she’s gone -”

The boy’s mother was gone.

He’d given that statuette to Astrid.

And Astrid was gone too.

That boy was Astrid’s son.

But he didn’t have her beautiful blonde hair, her gorgeous blue eyes, her adorable but slightly oversized ears - no, he did have those, so Hamish could be hers, but then where did he get the rest? Hiccup thought she’d waited for him, that she…

“- like you take care of real Toothless!”

You.

The boy was talking to his father.

Who probably had auburn hair, and a pair of green eyes.

Who wasn’t there.

Whose dragon, named Toothless, was worriedly nudging Hiccup’s side, sensing his rider’s distress.

The boy was talking to him.

Because he was his father.

He hardly heard what the boy - Hamish, his son, named after his ancestors - said after that. He simply stared, unable to move, his breath coming out in short pants. Hamish rambled, his tiny hands moving along as he talked, as if this was completely ordinary to him, as if Hiccup’s - as if his father’s - world wasn’t completely falling apart at that very moment. Because it didn’t make sense.

How?

How…?

How!?  

He crumbled to the ground, pressing his hands to his ears, because he couldn’t listen, because this wasn’t happening. The Gods were playing a trick on him, or his mind was, yet again. He was seeing things, hearing things, deluding himself into picturing something that wasn’t there. That didn’t exist, that wasn’t true, because it couldn’t be true. He would’ve known if Astrid had been pregnant, he would’ve known if he was a father, she would have told him, he would have felt it.

It couldn’t be real. But no matter how often he pinched himself, they didn’t go away. The boy, Tuffnut, and the tiny wooden Night Fury stayed where they were. He wanted to flee, but he couldn’t, they would see him, and he didn’t know what happened if delusions spotted the person who was deluding them, not that that thought made much sense -

Oh Gods.

Oh, Gods.

He turned his eyes towards the sky, trying to snap himself out of it, to focus on anything but the scene in front of him. But the sun moved too slowly, and time along with it, so he wasted away, waiting, praying, asking the Gods what they’d brought down on him this time, until finally, his nightmarish visions left.

After scoldingly calling out the boy’s full name, Tuffnut picked him up, and, although reluctantly, the boy eventually stopped struggling, keeping Mini-Toothless clutched to his chest as Tuffnut carried him towards the cove’s exit. They exchanged some words, and the boy waved in the direction of the pond.

Hiccup only just prevented himself from waving back.

He couldn’t banish the boy’s name from his mind. Not even after he and Tuffnut had left, and Hiccup had jumped on Toothless’ back. Not even after they took to the air, the wind in his face not waking him up like he’d hoped it would.

So he simply flew West. Hoping to go back to the nightmare he’d come from. The one he was familiar with, the one he could deal with. Because he couldn’t handle this one.

Hamish Hofferson.

[buddaimond]

Full Audio Interview: San Francisco Chronicle,Tony Bravo interview with Rob at Mill Valley Film Festival

Partial transcript by RPAU

Robert Pattinson lost a button on his shirt on the way to the Mill Valley Film Festival, but he’s been through worse.  

…

Sans button, Pattinson jokes he’s falling apart.

“I think I feel worse (now) than I did then,” Pattinson says, fresh off the plane from Los Angeles. “I still don’t understand, to this day, how I didn’t get sick the entire time. Just being in a rain machine in sub-zero temperatures for months has definitely improved my whatchamacallit … immune system.”

Q: I was worried you were going to lose more than a button seeing your physically demanding performance in “The Lighthouse.” How did you get to a place where you could portray that type of isolation and insanity?

A: The script was so kind of audacious, there were moments with things in it I’d never seen anything like it in any other script. You realize you had to take a kind of running jump to kind of even reach any of it. I’m attracted to scripts where you first read it, it’s very engaging and you feel, “Wow, this has got some kind of totemic qualities, something really primal and powerful about it.” And it’s also working with Willem, I’ve seen the amount of energy that Willem can bring to a performance, so I kind of knew that it was going to be an adversarial type of relationship.

Q: Did you and Willem do any kind of exercises to get to a place where you were comfortable enough to do some of these very physically intimate scenes?

A: We rehearsed for a week, Willem loves rehearsing and I really dislike it, which is kind of handy for our relationship. We did five days of rehearsing and I just found it to be the most incredibly stressful thing in the world. By the time we were shooting with each other, there was already this weird tension, it’s the opposite of what’s supposed to happen from rehearsals, normally it’s supposed to get people relaxed with each other. I love Willem, he’s such a lovely personable guy but there was this strange energy.

Q: What did you do to get into the physicality of this character? I read your Esquire interview … do you want to elaborate on any of the points in that?

A: Whenever I read stuff I just think, “Wow, I just come across as a psychopath.” I read that article and was like, I did say those things, but now they look really weird.

Q: One of the things you said is that you ate mud.

A: I did eat a lot of mud. I do that on a few different movies. I think that comes from “Gladiator” having such a big effect on me as a kid, there’s one scene where he’s about to go into the arena and he picks up the sand and rubs it between his fingers. I always used to do that before scenes when I first started as a teenager, I added a little bit to it where I’d just eat it afterwards. Robert Eggers loves to shoot in one take. Some of the scenes are seven, eight minutes long and you need to be psyched. It’s almost going into a boxing ring or something. There’s so much energy expenditure. There’s a sort of strange reverse meditation where you kind of just invoke some kind of massive amount of rage inside you. I was reading that article and it sort of makes out that I was drunk for it. I thought about getting drunk for the drunk stuff, but it’s absolutely impossible to get drunk in any of these scenes.  

Q: Especially not on kerosene, we hope.

A: Do people actually drink kerosene? That’s crazy. I think it was really just a question of trying to block out absolutely everything else that was going on in your life. I was isolating myself quite a lot, which isn’t particularly difficult in Nova Scotia, you can literally just walk down to the ocean and there’s not a soul around.

Q: There are moments I laughed out loud in spite of this being a very moody, very atmospheric film. Is it any different playing moments of humor in the film? I’m thinking of a moment in particular when you’re trying to dump something in the ocean and the wind changes directions.

A: I guess I’m one of those people who thinks, “Is something going to be truly funny if it hurts quite a lot?” I think everything can only be real if it hurts, like a compliment; I was talking about this other day — if you compliment someone, it has to give you some real pain to be a true compliment. I think throwing fecal matter in my face, that was probably the hardest scene in the entire movie and also terrifying. The cliff which I’m on was on the side of the cliff in gale-force winds and pouring rain, and I couldn’t really see anything. That was one of the more terrifying things I’d ever done in my life.

Rob talking The Batman:

Q: Speaking of heroes, you’re taking on the iconic role of Batman. Were there any hesitations entering another big fan franchise?

A: Nah, it’s a great part. I think when you’re older, it does feel a little different. I think once you’ve already dealt with it a little bit, I’m better at navigating it, I think. Maybe I’m not, maybe I’m completely unprepared.

[cutegirlmayra]

Commission receipt: Ember’s Story, another chapter

Ember’s Story Commission Receipt

@marydragneell Commission for The Flares That Come From Ashes (Another chapter to Ember’s story)

Time: about 2 months or so.

Review: @marydragneell :  OMG IM ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH IT ❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤ The beginning is so cute 😍 how ember and manic are with each other. Her being in manic's band❤❤❤❤How cute and adorable they are together. Love the sinister appearance of mephilis perfect for him. Manic being a awesome badass for his girlfriend. Shadow acting jealous in such a cute sibling way. The perfect reaction to her trigger of seeing someone she love hurt 💔 ❤The recomforting ❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤ Just manic calling shadow big bro XD and pocking fun of shadow. All the " i wanna get your blessing ". Perfect representation of the duality of ember mental state, her nature and how she act. AMAZING BATTLE SCENE!!!!!!!!!!! The characters grow 👌 And the fact that you show that the fusion did left a permanent impact on her.

Me: Boy it was fun! Thanks again for the opportunity. ^//u//^

Paid Amount: 60$ for 50+ pages to add to the wonderful story of Ember the Immortal Wolf, prototype to Shadow The Hedgehog, and embedded with the rejected Cursed Emerald.

Product Preview: With permission from @marydragneell, here is the ROUGH DRAFT of the product.

The Flares that Come From Ashes

Another short story for the amazing Mary!

By: Cutegirlmayra

"La, la, la~" Ember tapped the mic, then garbled some gibberish to clear her throat. "Do, ray, me." She spoke, smiling nervously as she seemed a bit spooked by the stage lights. "Come on, Manic. You really think I'm ready for all this?" Ember twiddled her claws lightly against each other, ducking her head slightly as she tried to see through the blinding spotlights and turned to see the rest of the band practicing in their own respective places on stage. "It just seems... like maybe I'm not cut out to be in a band." She rubbed her arm, shyly admitting her fears of joining his group.

"Nah, girl. You really are ready." Manic, leaning against the side of the stage, finally walked out to reveal himself and stood beside her, drumming her shoulder, then her head, then her mic as she giggled and pulled her head slightly away from his reach. "You just need some confidence singing in front of others, is all."

Ember smiled sweetly, blushing at his cute charms. "This will be a lot different than helping Shadow at..." she gagged, not wanting to say G.U.N's name and still having a biased against them.

"Right. No more secret missions." He winked to her, then leaned with his arms crossed on the mic. "Babe, you really think you can't have a first debut with my band?"

"I'm just..! Psyching myself out!" she shook her head, her long coat swishing with the motion as her tail fluffed out in hopes of getting herself pumped. "Let's practice, just one more time!" she gripped the mic and he moved for her, but placed a hand right where hers was on the mic, then moved it up to show that he would stand there as emotional support. He gripped the mic to hold it steady for her, and for a second, their fingers intertwined, just the pinkie and ring finger, making Ember smile at his tender touch of compassion.

"Remember your diaphragm is your strongest tool, use it well. But it needs to breathe." He teased, leaning to her cheek to and letting their faces touch. His breath was warm, and the scent of their last home-cooked meal made her giggle and wiggle her nose a bit. Tingles came from her hands up to her cheeks, and she blushed at how close he was.

Nodding and swooning at his flirtations, she finally took a deep breath... honing all the knowledge about music, tempo, and breath-control he had been teaching her and began to sing lightly.

"Louder, Ems!" he bounded towards the edge of the stage, "Louder, girl!" then jumped off, moving back and spreading his arms out. "We gotta hear ya in the back!" he started drumming on the chairs, "I can't hear you, and I'm up in the front!"

She tried to sing a little louder, swishing her body back and forth but still nervous and more focused on what he was doing.

"Where's my girl's voice? I thought this was a rockin' concert!" He drummed louder, since she couldn't see through the lights, letting her know he was now towards the back of the venue they were playing at tonight.

She took both hands and pulled the mic's stand towards her, the wires whiplashed and she hoisted it up above herself, belting as loud as she could a powerful note that suddenly blasted through the speakers like an avalanche on a mountain's side.

The whole of the arena shook in the vibrations, making the band behind her almost lose balance and a few plug or stuck a finger in their ears from the deafening sound.

"Whoo! Now that's what I call a lion's roar Friday and no canary Saturday! Yeah!" He seemed to be hyped about her new found sound but his band mates all shook their heads and itched inside their ears again, hearing a ringing from that loudness.

They clearly weren't thrilled about her almost blowing out the mics, but she patted it lightly and whispered, "Sorry." with an embarrassed smile. She just wanted to get back at Manic, trying to prove a point that she didn't want to—literally—bring the house down.

However, Ember was only focused on pleasing Manic at the same time. She still wasn't the best at making friends, but with the ones she was able to gain, she treasured them dearly and without hesitation.

She trusted Sonic and his gang, Shadow—obviously—and lastly Manic... first and foremost.

She was still a little hesitant about Rouge... but that was just because she worked close with Shadow, and she didn't like how close they seemed to be in more ways than just work...

Either way, this was family. What she had wanted from the very beginning. To not feel alone or useless... Manic and the others accepted that she was dangerous, but also that she was loving, funny, and sweet.

Sure, she could be sassy, but only when provoked to and by appropriate means... sometimes.

She giggled, thinking of times she's purposefully ticked Sonic off just to make Shadow smile. Though he'd scold her, it would be a light whack on the head, and she knew by the light pat afterward where he hit her that he was glad she shut his annoying mouth for a change~

Most of the time, she acted a bit like the gang's grandmother. She would pick flowers with Cream, try and help Amy to learn to sing, and duke it out with Knuckles! She wasn't always keen on the technical stuff Tails liked to do, but even then, she let him research her powers every now and then. Showing off her strength was fun too, but Shadow always told her to hold back a bit... which was hard, since Ember could get super competitive!

"Hey, let's go over some songs real quick. We still got time." Manic hopped up to the stage and sat on the edge, pulling out some sheet music and pointing to some parts. "You struggled before with this one but I think you've nailed it since. Still, no harm in rehearsing and making sure it's picture perfect right?"

'Perfect..?'

Ember lowered her mic's stand back down lightly to the stage. sorrowfully, she was pulled out of her funny, perfect memory and placed in another conflicting stance. There was no better word to dampen her spirits than that one... and it hadn't been so long since she felt so imperfect and dangerous. It was definitely something she struggled with, but worked hard to overcome within herself.

Those children... they were still screaming for food or hugs. Maria... and Dr. Gerald Robotnik... they were still marveling at Shadow before he had awakened.

Some things never changed, but her memories of not being able to save anyone... those were the hardest to lock away and turn her mentally gazing eye from.

"Huh? What's wrong, Ems?" Manic got up, noticing her change in demeanor. "Uh oh, did I cramp your style?" He moved his hand in an old 90's way and she shook her head, realizing he was trying to cheer her up again.

"Shadow's the ultimate life form... the perfect cure or whatever..." She swished her body to the side, ignoring his cuteness for a moment to try and explain herself. she nervously held her hands behind her back and rubbed them together too, trying to hide her fidgety nature. She sighed a long, breathy wind out onto the mic from her nose and then felt arms around her waist. "H-hey!" she blushed, getting lifted up into the air, her arms coming out by her sides.

"Well, it's true no one's perfect." Manic tickled her with his long, hedgehog nose by her exposed belly, making her fidget to get out of his grasp. "But your perfect for me, babe. I don't need you to do the world's sense of perfection, but only your very best self should be on this stage. Alright? Otherwise... I'm gonna have to have a private session with you in the back..." he turned her around and began to kiss her neck, making her laugh at his suggestion.

"Oh, no audience, eh? Taking the pressure off?" She teased, patting his chest lightly to pretend to get him off of her.

"Emm... something like that." He head-bumped her forehead affectionately, "Just us two. Playing... somewhat what we're supposed to do." He took her hands and pulled them out a little to her sides, just messing with her and helping her loosen up.

Her tail wagged slightly and she looked up with a red muzzle. He really was a charmer... "Are all hedgehogs born charming?"

"Naaaah," Manic let one of her hands he was holding onto go and waved her compliment off in a comical way, "Your brother was created with his natural, flaring smile." He gestured to his smirk and she fell to the ground laughing. "Engineered to be devilishly handsome, I suppose. Your family has good genes."

"Hand-selected." She teased back and the two fell in howling laughter on the ground, rolling to their backs and having their arms grasping around their waistlines, the tip of their heads right up by each other's.

"Yo, can you two stop acting so precious?" One of the band mates smiled to them, "We need to get back to practice, you know. And you two would be wise to do the same, as well!"

Manic just nodded, pretending to be serious again. "Right, mate. Of course, don't let us stop you guys from your hard work either." He held up a hand and as soon as the member turned around, he expertly threw a lightly spinned drum stick to hit his head.

"Ow! Why you-!" Then the whole of the band started laughing, jumping in to dog pile Manic.

Ember smiled at the ruckus, wagging her tail as she got up to avoid the squabble. Seeing how close he was to them, made her happy... but... She crawled away from the fight, hugging her legs to resist the urge to join them. Though she really, really wanted too jump in and roughhouse with them. She knew she was a bit too powerful to do that though... So her ears bent back and she placed her head on her legs, waiting patiently and enjoying the boys' playful wrestle match, all in good fun.

"We don't care if you bring your girlfriend in to sing, but do you have to be so cute with her, Man!?" one stated and she blushed. They never really officially told anyone... maybe just Shadow, but he denied it fiercely.

She wondered why... after all, Manic kept her away from Shadow most of the time. She stayed out of trouble too... so why was he so opposed to him?

He had stated he was fine with her having friends, so why not a boyfriend? Last time he saved her from Scourge, Shadow had admitted Manic wasn't so bad a guy... maybe he was prejudice against his hippie vibe persona? Though she knew in her heart he was raised in the rough streets where he had to steal most of the time... maybe that could be a player in Shadow's obvious disapproval of him?

"Lay off, dude, I can't help but want to hold her. Got a problem with that?!" Manic grinned from ear to ear, hitting the blokes off in their tussling sport before they all seemed to be done with messing with him. Panting and looking tired, they probably just needed to blow off some of the nerves they were feeling. It was their big night too... Ember couldn't screw it up.

"Whatever, just keep to a schedule. Kiss and coo after the performance, okay?" One went to get his fallen shades for his eyes and shook his head, just making fun of his friend.

"Yeah, at least we can avoid it then." Another stated, giving Manic a nudge in the shoulder as brothers would do.

"The love police, Ember. They're everywhere!" Manic got up with a quickened step, stumbling over as fast as he could back to her, scrambling to stay on his feet but really just crawling to her. She just couldn't help but fall for him over and over again... as he kept falling over and over trying to get to her.

He helped her up and she jumped to her feet, "Maybe we do need to just go solo then."

The band groaned and they laughed, "Don't take our best drummer, Ember." They teased in reply.

But as all seemed to go back to normal, the band rehearsing and Ember warming up her voice, a strange wind storm picked up... there was a rustling in the leaves as they flew up towards the stage lights... causing gentle shadows over the harsh beams of white. The wind blew a warning sound, bellowing as though trying to speak over Ember's singing voice. But in the darkness of the sky there twisted out a small, purple portal. It's mouth gaped wide, spinning with loops of different shades of darkness like blues and purples into a wavy effect in the black sky.

Finally, looking away from Ember a moment as he drummed, Manic sensed something off as his quills picked up in the wind's fierce direction. He stopped by reaching out and touching his drums, stopping the beat and vibrations to look around. "What is that?" Manic held up a hand for the others to also cease a moment... and listen. He then turned to his band, "Get on guard, dudes. There's only one thing that makes me this chilly." He began, getting off the drums and clutching his magical necklace a moment, "Dangerous schemes..." he narrowed his eyes towards the purple portal.

They all hurried to the back of the stage as something misty and liquid dropped like runny goop from the rift in the sky. It began to form from the shadows around it, rising from the ground in what looked like a misty, disfigured water fountain. A figure solidified... rolling its head into place and crooking its two arms out like a scarecrow in the isle of the arena...

The figure had distinct hedgehog quills... then a white tuff that looked almost grey a moment... bluish gleams from its silhouette.

It almost looked like... That obsidian color...

"...Shadow?" Ember stated in disbelief as the rift blasted away as though something fiery were on the other end. Flames that torched the sky and even blinded the band who tried to shield themselves with their arms. "Ahh..!" Ember felt like the flames were brighter than the stage lights... At last, the figure looked itself over, as though checking to make sure it survived whatever had brought it here.

The colors were slightly wrong, the grey instead of the red... what was this? An illusion? Some sort of trick?

His eyes were covered in what seemed like a green glaze, though it was clear it did resemble Shadow, in a striking way.

"Strange... this time was my only escape... I don't have long before Sonic and his friends blow out my other half..." He then sharply looked over to Ember, narrowing his eyes as he felt the pull of an odd chaos emerald. "Interesting... I sense a great sorrow in your chest... mind if I remove it?" he slowly, creepily moved in a zombie fashion with flimsy gestures with his hand to point at Ember. "It won't take long... but it will be painful... hahahaha." He laughed as though an axe hacking at stone.

"This doesn't look so good!" Manic grabbed the silver necklace that dangled loosely by his chest and a set of magical drums—different than his band's—sprung into existence through sparkles from the arena. "Get out of here, Ember. I don't think this guy is anywhere close to being your brother."

"B-but..." She covered her cursed emerald, and looked to Manic. "What about you? I'm not just gonna run while you take on this... this thing!" She was clearly spooked, but would never abandon Manic.

'It could be a clone,' was her first thought, remembering Shadow's stories and how Eggman had cruelly tormented him by making him think he—himself—was nothing more than a fake. Luckily, he was the original, and Ember could tell that right away... though she had never seen a clone.

"Shadow... I haven't heard that name in a long time." The figure slid his foot up to step forward, "Nor have I heard... Brother?" He seemed to twist his head as though stretching his neck back. "I wasn't aware there were more of his kind... but that explains why that dark essence hasn't eaten your life away just yet..." He was like a ragdoll, and quickly seemed to regain himself, rolling his spine as up to straighten himself, but instead his back lurched back and his arms dangled again to his sides. "I need a host soon, or my very being, the will and mind of Solaris, will be destroyed fully in my flame body, Iblis... Which Sonic currently is trying to defeat." His words made no since to them, but Ember gathered that he knew Shadow.

"You know Shadow The Hedgehog?" She stepped forward, but Manic just looked back at her, worried.

"I... drew my form off his shadow." His head lowered as his eyes seemed to pierce like spears through to her core. "And soon... I'll draw form from you as well..."

"Ember, don't listen to him! I can feel his vibes, he's no good!" Manic tried to warn her, getting antsy on his drum seat. However, she seemed entranced with the idea of someone that looked like Shadow... maybe another experiment?

Though she had a perfect memory, she knew for a fact that Gerald hadn't created any similar copies of Shadow...

'Flame body?' she wondered, her ears flicking as she pondered his words. 'Form?'

"Ah, I see you're of the sensible kind... excellent. Hahahaha..!" The figure laughed in his sadist way again, plotting something... "I was ripped apart from my other half by your... brother..." He gestured to his body, "I assume his form now only to survive, but since I have failed after merging with my glorious true form again... I have no choice but to rewrite time while I still have a silver of flame left in me... Reunite me with a new half, and I can tell you what will befall Shadow in the future... The persecution... the misery of his shamed life." He wildly swung a hand out to her, the side of his body faltering as he tilted with his outstretched hand, down and to the side.

Ember was immediately pulled into that promise, wondering what he meant and if he was somehow tied to another time. She stepped forward again, but this time Manic grabbed her arm back, "Ember, don't-!" he warned, but this figure only laughed at his attempt.

"Ember... what a befitting name... the last flares of my life... mixed with the ashes that shall soon be the remainder of your own... It's perfect poetry... hahahaha!" The figure stood like a scarecrow again, laughing as more dark flares formed around him, rolling his head back in dark humor.

At that last sentence Ember stepped back, and the lure he had over her lessened.

However... for Shadow's future's sake... she wanted so desperately to know more.

"I escaped a deadly fate, I only want to release you from your imprisonment... and allow it to be my salvation." He gestured his hand out to speak, seeing he had her strung on his previous words, "But not just my own... but to save your fellow immortal... as well..."

"He has answers. I knew G.U.N would betray us!" she began to grow angry, her fangs bared with her clamping bite as she gritted her teeth and growled.

"Yes... the world will never accept you... After all, we're both of the dark." He lowered his head, having her emerald embedded in her chest glowing the same purple mist with darkness lining its power in his crystallizing eyes with magma red glowing from the sockets... "Together... we can change the future." He flashed in a light and seemed to crystallize fully, "Now then... with the last of my power, I have altered time and come to this world... Ember... Give me of your power!"

"Ember, please." Manic didn't like holding her back, but he knew something was off. "You've accepted yourself, remember? The world doesn't matter, but those who love you do!" he gently tugged on her arm again, trying to get her to stand behind him on this one. "Please... this guy doesn't have your best interest at heart! Isn't that obvious?!"

"But he might have Shadow's..." Her eyes softened, but she didn't want to just shake Manic off. She knew in her heart that would be wrong, "If there's a way I can help Shadow..."

"Keeping you alive and happy will help Shadow!" Manic spun her around, turning her gaze from the figure, who lifted his head in a twitching jolt at losing sight of the cursed emerald... "If Sonic defeated him and he's running, don't you think that's a bad sign?" Manic tried to convince further, "I just can't have you go with him, Ember. Please, listen to me. Just this once, okay? You can ignore me the rest of the concert but hear my words now, at least now, Ember!" He was struggling to have her look at him, but she just kept ducking her head. She hadn't seen him this worked up before, but the idea that Shadow's future could be spared... But was he really a bad guy from another time and world? Would Sonic know of him?

She longed to have joined in that playful wrestle with Manic and his friends... If she was rid of the cursed emerald, could she live a normal life? Would her immortality fade and she could have a life with Manic? Finally end this suffering? Would her super powers fade and she could be a regular lady without a single care in the world?

Or would the world be better off without her... if she was so dangerous, maybe at least... she could leave Shadow with some hope for his future...

Impatient, the figure's being rose in the air. "I am Mephilis the Dark. I'm your only means for salvation." He began to form what looked like a crystal in his hand. It carried down to form a crystal around his body, and soon, he blasted into a hardened form with seemed to have a silver tuff that looked strangely like a bird... "Come to me, chaos emerald! Join your form to a more suitable host!" he formed a purple sphere in his hand and threw it towards her, a large dark beam flung behind her to block the other members of the band from interfering.

A huge ridge was created in the stage, and the others moved away to escape the glowing beam before Manic turned to see Mephilis charging through the air towards Ember, reaching for her emerald.

Ember's eyes looked ready to reflex... but relaxed... as though thinking it was time to accept whatever fate had in store... maybe for the greater good.

"No!" Manic slammed his drum sticks against his magical drum set that blasted out a sonic boom.

Mephilis pulled back to block the attack,... "Grr...ahhh!" In frustration, he was held back.

Manic looked to Ember, a sense of urgency and concern in his eyes, "Look, I've lived on the streets! Take my advice and get outta here or I'm gonna have to fight this guy!" he seemed really serious, "Go!" he was done saying please, and Ember could see it.

With regret at not trusting him right away, she looked back at Mephilis, then Manic. "You run too, then!" she cried out, but he was already locked in a battle with the strange figure now known as Mephilis... as dark orbs launched towards him but Manic played a sick beat that blasted them away.

"No! Go find Shadow! I'll stall him!" He seemed dedicated to the fight. "Trust me, I'll be okay! You guys go too!"

The bandmates all hesitated as well, but then took hold of Ember, trying to pull her back and let them flee with her.

"Noo..!" She shook them off, almost throwing one of them, "I won't leave you!"

However, the bandmates looked to each other and one put their hand on her shoulder, "Look, Ems. He's Sonic's brother, right? If he says he's got this, we gotta trust him." He nodded to her, "That weirdo's after you, right? He's only trying to protect you. Come on, we can fight another day. Especially when we learn more about this impostor!"

She took one final look back at Manic... "Promise?" she knew he would never go back on one...

Manic didn't say anything... but gave a light nod. "Take care of her for me, boys... her brother can keep her safe and I'll figure out more about this dude. Go now!"

"Manic..." She felt tears coming to her eyes but with an orb being sent her way, a bandmate stepped forward and whacked it back with his guitar. At least, he tried, but upon impact the guitar exploded and sent the bandmate flying back.

Ember outstretched her hand and grabbed him, moving with the others to retreat. "You better promise me... in your heart! I'll be waiting for you! Otherwise... I'm... I'm coming for you!" she was rushed with the bandmates out through the back...

"I don't take lightly to people trying to rip my girlfriend apart!" A side of Manic that Ember hadn't really seen in him came out, a protective and hardened side of Manic she didn't know was there.

She knew he lived on the streets, was a thief and all, but he always talked about having honor with it.

As she took off, she could hear him bantering with Mephilis, and knew he'd be somewhat okay. She could picture him winking to her, blowing her a kiss, and saying to find somewhere safe. But the only safe place right now would be... ughh...

She groaned in her thought process, "Shadow's going to be so mad..."

G.U.N HQ

"I didn't bail on Manic! He's not into fighting, true, but he knew something was up and I just didn't listen to him. I wanted to know what future that look-a-like was talking about for you, can you blame me?" Ember tried to explain herself, but Shadow turned around abruptly to cut her off from any further justification she would have thrown at him.

"Yes, and I will." He moved to the other side of the room, "This is bad timing. I get a headache when you say his name, and I can't remember where I would have met him. You say he has my form?" he looked back at her as she nodded, once figuring out he wasn't talking about Manic.

"Truthfully! I thought it was you at first..." she held her head down, worried about Manic again, and then tried to give him her best 'pleading little sister wolfie eyes' to get him to help.

Shadow just sighed, taking a moment to accept that she wasn't making things up for his attention. "Fine. I'll look into it, see if Gerald-"

"No! I know his secrets, this isn't one of them!" She swiped her arm out, declaring it thus. "Let's not waste time with reading insignificant files! We have to go and get Manic!"

"Calm down, sweetie. Your boyfriend's defeated but he isn't dead... yet." The womanly voice flew down from the rafters, flexing her wings out and patting Ember's head. However, the action was taken as a insult, Ember thinking she was demeaning her by making her feel like a child being comforted, "There, there. What a whiny little sister you can be sometimes. Especially since you're a number one target for that escapee recently."

"Rouge." Shadow's eyes narrowed to her, as if telling her to remain silent on that.

"Escapee?" Ember thought a moment, moving her fingers as if trying to put two and two together, then her eyes widened in shock. "SCOURGE!?" Ember gripped her head, then looked wildly to her figurative brother, "Scourge is out now, too!?"

"Apparently, seeking revenge." Rouge walked around her and headed towards Shadow, folding her arms. "You were instructed by G.U.N to track him down, yet you didn't even warn your own sister yet?"

Shadow just verbally let out a groan at her spilling the information without going over it with him first. "I didn't want to worry you." He looked to Ember, "I would have handled it silently, no need to get you fired up over a rematch."

Ember would have liked the idea but now was not the time, "E-Everyone's after me cursed emerald!" she shouted out like an Irish leprechaun, but stuttered in trying to make the atmosphere lighter than what seemed like impending doom... "So he's broken out of prison, there's a time traveling—I guess—looney now. Anything else I missed?" The room remained silent, eyes turning away from her. "Great, this is too much for a young, single, totally attractive immortal wolf to handle." She dramatically leaned against one of Shadow's desks as he glared at her.

"Knock it off. Try and act seriously for a change." He scolded.

"Isn't that why G.U.N... 'let me go'?" she did the bunny ears, but clearly she was fired from working alongside Shadow.

"You were a menace to them. You couldn't see it the way I... no, the way Maria wanted us to see them." He turned back to her, and she was slightly triggered on her name, but just shook her head.

"I've handled way worse before... than just losing Maria." She turned her head away, but knew Shadow was probably throwing daggers into her back with his eyes as she said that. Those kids... it was more than just Maria at this point, so... much more.

"...Look," To break the tension, Rouge stepped in-between, holding her hands out to calm Shadow and try and reason with Ember. She seemed to be struggling finding a good way to accomplish that... however, "You can't stay at G.U.N if you don't work for them, and since your last boot, Shadow and I have lovingly referring to you as the new apprentice to that hippie." She seemed to lower her eyes as if annoyed by that.

"Boyfriend, and I'm not a hippie." Ember folded her arms in protest, then stuck her tongue out at Shadow, knowing he didn't want to refer to Manic as that.

"Is it official, though?" Rouge raised a shoulder up over her cheeky look, disguising her clear curiosity but also sinister ploy to get her to admit that nothing had really happened yet between her and Manic...

Ember flinched, holding back wanting to fight her.

"Either way, your brother doesn't like that crowd, apparently." She looked over to him, "Jealous, maybe?"

"Enough, Rouge. He protects Ember, that's all I need to know." Shadow turned back to the door of the facility, having it open as guards waited with shields and guns, ready in case Ember 'acted up' again.

"And he's not a hippie!" Ember was humored by their efforts but was too busy with other important problems to 'play on G.U.N's fear' though she wanted too... badly.

"I disagree." Shadow kept walking and she walked behind him.

To lessen G.U.N's concerns, Rouge also walked behind her. "Seems to be the underlining case... I think you disagree wholeheartedly." she shrugged her arms out.

"Thank you, Rouge." he didn't pause in his stride.

"-That maybe he doesn't like the fact that you're spending so much time with another hedgehog other than himself." She covered her mouth with the back of her hand as Ember gasped and Shadow tensed up, turning his head around.

"Rouge!" he scolded.

"Uh oh, did I touch a nerve?" Playing innocent, Rouge smiled and looked away from him, seeing as Ember also seemed touched and went to hug him. However, he outstretched his hand in an attempt to hold her back.

Upon exiting the steel facility of G.U.N, the team decide to drop in on Sonic, seeing if the team of adventuring friends had any luck with remembering this enemy... but to their surprise—"Huh?"

"I've never heard of someone with the ability to shape-shift like that..." Tails placed a book down, trying to look through his journals but nothing was popping up about this strange Shadow figure...

"Maybe you have an admirer, Shadow." Sonic tilted his head back and to the side, giving Shadow a cheeky grin sneakily, but Shadow was too observant for his teases. He just rolled his eyes at Sonic's antics, choosing not to entertain him with a response.

"According to Ember, you were in battle with him before." Shadow explained, giving his full attention to Tails as Sonic dipped his head down and smirked, seeing as Shadow was trying to take everything too seriously again for his tastes.

"Oh? Must have trounced him then!" Sonic gave himself a hearty fist swing, as though to celebrate his victory that he didn't even understand had happened or would happen yet. "Maybe he's from the future? We could ask Silver..."

"No good, there's nothing about him here. Technically, if what Ember says is true, he does sound like it's his 'past' to him..." Tails deciphered through Ember's perfect retelling, trying to pinpoint terms that could lead to an answer.

"You assume I'm not?" She played, looking to Sonic to show that his sense of humor wouldn't go unnoticed.

He gave her a quiet snicker with his eyes closed, enjoying the fact that at least one immortal had some charm.

"N-no, of course not!... heeeyyy..." Tails worried he had upset her, but seeing her and Sonic's shoulders bouncing and grins, he knew they were laughing together. "Don't pick on me..." He whined cutely.

"Oh, never Tails." She swished her tail behind her, "Never without the intent to sweetly embarrass you."

He sighed and continued, "Anyway,... we don't know if it's our future or past. Not for certain, but it does sound like something that was currently occurring for him, and he knew he wouldn't be around much longer in that time-frame of space..." Tails tried to think over what Ember said, it was still hard to identify where this villain would have originated from in their timeline.

"Another world? Dimension, maybe?" Sonic questioned, trying to help him out with half the thinking.

Tails scratched his chin, moving his torso around before gripping his head in frustration, "Oh, I just can't figure it out! I need more information..." He looked downhearted, unable to help. "I'm sorry..."

"Don't worry, Tails." Ember lightly patted his head, "Maybe he's just some jerk, that's all we need to know, right? A bad guy..?" She still wasn't sure about that... he seemed to know about Shadow's future...

She was still curious about his origin... but mostly about what he knew of whatever future he had seen or known for Shadow...

"A-Aren't you curious?" Ember turned to Shadow, who walked over beside the couch and folded his arms, facing away from her. "Whether he's an enemy or not? He tried to take your emerald, which I believe sustains your life since you are a prototype. He openly admitted that Sonic had fought him and was winning. Wouldn't that mean he is?" He turned to look at her over his shoulder. "I've always known my path would be full of human fear and deceit. But I don't do it for myself... you know who I promised. I can't withdraw from this life, even if I know it will be misfortune in the end. My form will only be useful for such things as pertain to this world... If this Mephilis uses my form and seeks to remain in this world by your power, then he is corrupting both our purposes." He tightened his fist.

Ember rubbed her arm, sensing she had struck a nerve. She didn't want to push the subject and trigger the tragedy, but she also knew he didn't understand what she was actually asking, "That's not quite what I-" but before she could finish, the door to Tails's workshop slammed open.

"Get this kid some place to lay down!" Rouge had shoved the door open with one hand and holding Manic by her other arm. He was slumped over, his head down and slowly looking up with a bruised eye, squinting it open slightly to look around. He was clearly hurt, his arm around Rouge to support himself as she tried to get him over the step and into the house.

"E..Em...Ember..." he spoke faintly with a weak strength that barely let him slide a foot under himself to help Rouge move him easier.

His black eye shut again as Rouge looked over to Shadow, "Let's get him on the couch. I went to check on him like you asked me to... but..." Sonic and Shadow moved swiftly, lifting him from Rouge's care and placing him on the couch as Ember's eyes trembled, seeing someone she loved so much in pain...

She covered her mouth, "No... no more... no more hurting..." she shut her eyes, unable to bear the sight any longer.

So many memories... of the ones she's grown to care about hurting so much... because of her.

Manic coughed, being laid on the couch as Sonic gave him a worried smile, "Like old times, eh? What happened to you, Manic? At least tell me you won... right?" He meant to say 'are you okay?' but that was just how him and his brother spoke to one another.

"Oh yeah, I did decently." He tried to open his eye more for his brother, giving him a playful wink. "Ouch..." He flinched, the action might have been too strenious. But that didn't stop Manic from trying to pull it off.

She had pictured that wink... but now it was so very, very different...

He was hurt.

It was all her fault...

Though that villain should be to blame, Ember couldn't help but direct the guilt to herself.

"They got the better of me... still, my Bandmates got Ember to Shadow, and they themselves found me pretty banged up... but those two... they made a deal." Manic's last words had caught the attention of everyone in the room.

He looked over to Ember, seeing as she was lost in her own thoughts, looking anxious. "Hey, don't be afraid, Ems. I'm okay... really..." He tried to grab her attention, but she was lost in her own self-grief and pity. "I just got beat up by some powerful, wicked bad dudes, no biggie. I'm still here, see?" He smiled kindly, though worse for wear, he outstretched a hand in compassion towards her.

He wanted her to come to him... even though he had gotten hurt for her sake?

She slowly approached, but her memories of the fallen were a lot for her to take.

She didn't want him to suffer the same fact as others who had known her.

"Shadow was right." She fell to her knees and cried, unable to grab his hand as the others watched her in shock. "Our only future is misfortune... especially for those around us..."

They all looked worriedly towards her, but remained silent in her sorrowful display, not knowing how to comfort her.

"I should have stayed!" she cried out, "You should have let me fight beside you..!" She wiped the tears from her eyes as he smiled at her gentle display of compassion towards him, but also knowing she didn't want anyone's sympathy, just like Shadow. He was too prideful to comfort her, so he just let her cry, closing his eyes to give her a moment of respectful distance.

"Look at my girl... so strong, like her brother." He looked to Shadow, almost like to mock him for not being emotional about his tragic fate either. "Heh, I didn't want to see you hurt either, Ems. I did what a man should do." He nodded his head back to her, dismissing Shadow, who opened his eyes to try and judge what he meant by that. "Protecting the people you love isn't easy, it isn't easy for anyone, but that doesn't mean you don't take risky chances to ensure their happiness."

"How does this make me happy!?" Ember gripped and shredded some of Tails's wooden flooring... "How does this make anyone happy!?"

"... I am happy, knowing you're not hurt, or worse." He tried to get up, but began to show the pain and couldn't quite do it. "Now come on, Ems. Come sit with... me." Ember worriedly raced to him, skimming his back and letting him rest his head on her lap as she gently eased him into letting her sit down and look after him.

"Dummy, I can heal faster than you!" she helped him relax again and he gave her a huge, dorky grin.

"Does this mean you'll take care of me? Man, so worth it!" he joked, settling into her loving care.

She gently massaged his shoulders, rubbing his chest, and trying to self-comfort herself that he was alive. "I am glad you're alive... but I refuse to just let you talk me into running off like that again... I don't care how mad you get."

"Heh... I guess saving your life is only good for a one-time thing, eh?" Manic closed his eyes, and even with everyone staring at him, he leaned his head towards her and began to try and take it easy. "You're so used to Shadow always partnering up along side you... I just wanted to be a daring, brave hero for you... at least once."

Shadow twitched an eyebrow, but moved swiftly over to Sonic and Manic, seeming to want to change the subject and ignore the two's intimate moment. "We need you to tell us exactly what happened." he spoke with a lot of authority, but also with a hint of annoyance... maybe he just wanted to get more details out as soon as possible?

Manic turned his head slightly to Shadow, then smiled weakly. "What's up, big bro?"

Shadow flinched again, "I asked you a question. It's urgency couldn't be more dire."

"...Isn't that the same thing?" He looked jokingly up to Shadow and then to his brother, "Did you see him march over here like I'm some kinda crook?"

"You do have your head in his sister's lap, bro." Sonic folded his arms, giving him a sly look.

"Ha, I'm not the dog here." He looked lovingly up to Ember, "I'm a gentlemen."

She leaned down to his head, lightly kissing it. "You're a gentlemen rogue." she teased, "Stealing my heart and all."

"But she gave you her lap freely." Sonic snickered under his gloved hand, giving a sideways glance to Shadow, seeing his reaction.

Shadow refrained from making a comment, but it was clear he was starting to get upset.

Ember tilted her head, "Shadow? Does this really bother you?" She couldn't understand why, but wondered if he really was protective of her or not.

Shadow turned his head away, and after a long, awkward silence, Manic spoke up again.

"Can't a man catch his breath first?" he turned his head to Rouge, "Can I get some water? My mouth's a little dry here..." But Ember bent down and kissed him again, instead. "Woah..! Did I die and go to heaven already?" he marveled at her, but she just giggled as Rouge covered her mouth and seemed to enjoy the young lovers having their 'catching up' moment before retreating to the kitchen. She slid her hand over Shadow's arm, whispering something for him to relax and then came back with some water, handing it to Ember to help Manic drink.

"Let him rest a moment, Shadow. There's no use in pushing him too far." Rouge stated, nodding towards Ember. "Besides, your sister can get more out of him than you ever could~" she teased. Ember smiled up to Rouge, realizing she wasn't as bad as she thought...

At least she was siding with her and Manic, for now, anyway.

After gulping down some sips of water, Manic gave out a long, happy sigh. "Ahhh... now that hit the spot. I feel much better, able to talk more now, too." He looked to Shadow. "That guy called himself Mephilis the Dark, right? While we fought, he was insanely strong! No matter how much I hit him, he never seemed to fade in strength all that much... however, I think I almost figured him out, at least his fighting style, but..." He trailed off and looked away, seeming disappointed in the turn of the events, "That's when that Scourge guy showed up with his gang." Manic narrowed his eyes a moment, remember the encounter. " I remember his name alright... They jumped me and my drums formed back into my necklace... they held me down and beat on me as Scourge demanded to know where Ember was, but Mephilis must have saw him as an opportunity to find her as well."

Ember bit on her lower lip, worried about them tag-teaming to find her...

"I don't know why Scourge agreed, but I have a feeling he's not gonna be honest in that arrangement... but then again, I don't think Mephilis was too keen on honesty or trust either... They all look like backstabbers to me, and they're all after your Cursed Emerald, Ember..." He looked up at her again, lifting his hand to cup her face a moment. "But don't sweat it, I'll make sure they never get you. Mark my words, babe." They touched foreheads a moment, as Sonic and Tails looked to each other, concerned.

"We'll try and figure out where Scourge is and what he's up to with this guy. If they are hunting Ember down, we should plan out if we're gonna bait them or hide her." Tails gestured a hand out, stating the necessity for a plan, but Shadow immediately stomped up to him.

"There won't be a need to use Ember." he stated, looming over Tails. Tails moved back a bit, but Sonic countered by moving up towards Shadow, stopping him from intimidating his friend.

"If they've teamed up, who knows how powerful they are now. He interrupted Manic's fight, and are probably after the other emeralds. Me and Tails will try and split up our gang, find out if they're heading to Angel Island or are abandoning everything to find the impure emerald." Sonic tried to bring reason and logic into his actions, which calmed Shadow down a bit. "If you and Manic take Ember, Rouge can go off on her own to try and spot them and stay as a spy. We'll cut them off before they can cause any further trouble. But let's hope they're only after Ember... that trouble we can ambush, sound good to you?"

"...Ember doesn't do well with plans." Shadow glared back at Ember, as though implying that she needs to agree to this too.

Ember nodded her head, looking determined to get back at Scourge for hurting Manic, and also hoping to find out what this Mephilis the Dark guy knew about Shadow... and if it was true or not.

"You've gotta let me come with you, Shadow." Manic winced in pain as he got up, which made Ember panic and grab his arm to help him. "I care about her just as much as you do... I may not be as strong or accomplished at saving things like Sonic is... but I'm just as good as my brother when it comes to protecting those I cherish..."

Sonic nodded, giving his brother a thumbs up for his bravery. "You won't find a better man, Shadow!"

"...Alright." Shadow conceded. "I don't need any further convincing. If Ember wants you along to help, I won't oppose." He began to walk out the door, "But listen... heed this warning... Scourge, we understand his ways, but Mephilis, we do not. We need to be cautious, for Embers sake." He looked to her as if saying she really needed to act mature during this, and Ember just embarrassingly looked away, still holding Manic's arm as he kissed her cheek to try and cheer her up.

"Ugh." Shadow turned away, disgusted by the display of comforting affection, and walked to open the door. "Come on, we should keep a constant movement..."

"Your brother once protected the president before, right?" Manic wanted to encourage Ember that he probably knew best, but she just laughed.

"And tried to destroy him."

The room grew silent.

Then Sonic let out a huge roar of laughter, gripping his stomach.

Scourge and Mephilis, on the hunt...

"We've scowered everywhere for this girl! Why is she so hard to find?!" Scourge kicked over a burning trashcan, watching it's tin tink against the dark street... there were people screaming to escape the fires, and Scourge just looked at his hand, gripping it tightly. "What good is causing mayhem and panic if I know I'm not the most terrifying thing out there!?"

Mephilis had his arms crossed, standing next to him, looking like stone... "I think we'd get along... if you weren't so deranged." He mused to himself, turning to him as Scourge got right up in his face.

"I only make friends with subordinates. We agreed you'd let me do this my way! Flush out the rat with flames!" he threw his hand back to the burning city. "Besides, you look as twisted as I am..." he muttered under his breath.

"I have no issue with you burning the world... but as for sniffing or snuffing her out, I doubt you'd find her." He moved with strange elegance, and placed his hand on the ground. Shadows of whispy, black vines began to mutate around him, "If what you say is true... then her emerald has negative chaos energy... compared to it's seven, pure siblings... it's power can't be controlled or harnessed... It's a mad stone. One who needs a host able to contain and manipulate its madness..."

The darkness began to grow, dodging the fires but being born from their flickering shadows cast to the walls as well, upon the walls they danced... and began to search for every living soul... Like a reign of purple and misty hound dogs, falling over each other as they searched for the same... strange... energy...

"What's that your doing?" Scourge growled, scowling at him doing something without an order from himself. "I don't like things done behind my back!"

"...Finding the diamond in the rough..." Mephilis laughed, his dark power moving under screaming feet, the fires burning everything they touched. He had missed this feeling... but soon, with the Cursed Emerald, he'll have it all over again... "The shadows I'm made of are linked with a strong connection to the ultimate life form... if she is at all with Shadow, I shall know of it... and take what I need to survive."

The shadows, almost like the fire from which they were spreading, continued forth out of Mephilis and searched with a lapping, slithering haste that seemed to crawl everywhere in a furious urgency.

Soon, they were outside the city, spreading themselves into the forest. Little Flickies hid in their tree truck holes and cowered from the impending doom they seemed to send.

One of the shadow tips lingered as though to spike through a piggy that was holding its bunny friend, shivering in fright. It came closer before it sensed something, and immediately slithered towards where Shadow was, diving into his shadow...

Mephilis tilted his head, as Scourge once again grew frustrated. "Did you find something..? Care to share with the rest of the class?" He bent down and gestured a hand up as Mephilis just creepily turned to him, but didn't look directly at him.

"I found him... I'm... listening and looking to see where they are..." He heard Shadow speak and was pulled back to the moment at hand.

Shadow, hiding behind a bush with Manic, were clearly alone for right now. "She's well hidden?"

"I told her to stay put." Manic grumbled, "But you know Ember... she's always excited about a new test of strength."

"This isn't a game, she'll listen to you." Shadow was once again so serious, and it was really bumming Manic out.

"I know, I know. But she'd do anything for you." He smiled to Shadow, "You know, she's really attached to you. It broke her heart when G.U.N said she couldn't work with you anymore. It felt like they were taking something else away from her too." He explained, wondering if Shadow knew.

Shadow remained silent,... a moment went by before he sighed quietly and spoke up again, gentler this time. "I tried to warn her. She wouldn't follow orders... G.U.N is different from the past, they're trying to live better than they were..."

"You forgave them, which I respect." Manic nodded his head to him, "But for Ember... it's kinda a betrayal."

He looked away, "G.U.N was run differently in the past. They've learned to accept my power as long as it's used for good means."

"Their means." Manic countered, fiddling with a twig as Shadow glared at him. Manic was momentarily distracted with the twig, playing with it and bending it but not to the point of snapping before looking up to Shadow and then throwing his hands up in apology, and hoping he may calm down and back off a bit from the intense glare of annoyance. "H-hey, now! I'm only saying what Ember's told me. You know, you two should really talk more... she misses you." He gently put the fallen twig back into the bush. "She feels like this twig here... broken off from every family she ever made. Too dangerous to stay with anyone for too long... and mostly hunted down for her power. You can understand how she feels, can't ya?" He gave him a half-forced smile, "You have to understand... how much she longs to be in a real family..."

Shadow 'hmph'd to the side, "She's always been sensitive." but there was a warmness in that tone... A bond that Manic was happy to see shine through.

"Hey... is that a smile?" He teased, gesturing to the gentle curl in Shadow's lips.

Shadow patted Manic's accusing finger away and flicked his nose, "So she's gathering berries and other wild provisions?"

"While we remain lookout, yeah... she didn't like that plan all to much." Manic made a face and Shadow only chuckled.

"That is Ember." He joked,"And you were pretty useless in that condition... I'm... glad you recovered well." the two shared a mutual moment of fondness for her, and then looked to one another. It was as though Shadow had accepted that fact, that Ember loved Manic, but also that Manic was a good man. For a moment, he gave a look of acceptance, before looking off again. "Ember... Heh." He seemed to be thinking back on their adventures together. "She's headstrong, like Sonic. Doesn't stand still for a moment... all this and more... is why she's who she is. Which is exactly why I worry she may never find a decent job in this world..."

"She's doing pretty good at singing." Manic volunteered the idea, trying to lighten the downplay on Ember's talents but Shadow only made a face. "What? Singing don't jell right with you, big bro?"

"Don't call me that." He looked annoyed again.

"All I'm saying is maybe Ember isn't cut out for army or military stuff. She's not like Rouge, a secret agent and spy. She can't always be stealthy," Manic started.

"She longs too much for the attention." Shadow mused to himself while Manic just lowered his eyes and looked back at him as though thinking he was purposefully being a downer now.

"She's powerful, yes. But she also has a powerful, beautiful soul to her as well." He started drumming the ground, "We each have our own rhythms, Shadow. Maybe her's is better suited to things outside of fighting?"

"Yet, she loves to tumble." Shadow joked again, which made Manic just throw his arms up and laugh.

"You're not gonna give my thoughts on Ember the time of day, are you?" He seemed to realize Shadow was blocking him out, but Shadow just pushed his head down, done talking about this for now.

"Just duck down low and do as you're told... Ember wants you here, that's why you are here." He warned him, but Manic just scooted on up to him, moving his hand and seeing a brotherly side of Shadow showing.

"Hey," he grinned widely. "I've been meaning to ask you... I never did get your blessing on asking Ember to date me."

Shadow seemed to lose the slight smile he had, turning to one of more worry and anxiety.

"I wanted to make it more official after I talked with you about it, but you were always caught up with work," Manic continued, but didn't notice Shadow's shifting eyes, and the fact that he adjusted his squat away from Manic. He seemed so unsure of the topic... but what was really bothering him? "And I didn't want to tip Ember off too early about it... Mind if I ask now?"

"No." Shadow abruptly stated, closing his eyes as though to tune Manic out.

Manic took a moment to wait and process that, before speaking up again, "No..? On the timing or..?" he finally turned to try and read Shadow's expression, but Shadow kept a low-profile when it came to his emotions.

"Ever." Shadow moved away from him, and as he did so, the shadows began to move and peer around him, as though fading and glitching out of reality.

"Now hang on a sec-" Manic got up with him, trying to stop him from retreating during an important—and vulnerable—conversation before seeing the abnormality start rising up and swarming the shade around Shadow's silhouette on the ground.

"W-woah!" Manic got up from his squat, "Shadow, what is that!?" He pointed, as shadows seemed to spray out like vines whipping the ground, like an octopus's tentacles lashing out from a spaced hole on the ground, in the shape of Shadow...

Suddenly, they faded into nothingness... Shadow's shadow... was immediately gone.

"Grk..! GAHH!" Mephilis pulled his hand up, the shadows quickly retreating as if being drained back to him forcefully as he gripped his wrist. Scourge had stomped on his hand, seeing him flicker, and thinking he was going to leave them.

"Where ya going, friend?" he sneered, grabbing him and pulling him up as he continued to glitch out and in of reality, causing Scourge to barely have a hand on him. "What are you thinking of doing? Running!? Getting out of the deal!? WHERE IS SHE?"

in his wildness, Mephilis was also held back by Scourge's team: The Destructix. However, in a flash of light, Mephilis completely broke free of them and sent a blast out to knock them back. Slowly moving towards Scourge in his strange movement way, he then fired out a huge beam of power to skim Scourge's ear, spooking him back...

"You're not king... yet." Mephilis landed a manipulative intimidation, faking that they were one in the same goal. He looked at his hand again, examining the strange rift of time and space... his time was running thin. "I could erase you all from ever being born... but I chose to use my power to aid you... if we don't move now... my existence in this timeline will fade... and my own world events... vanish." He glared, threatened by the limited moments he still had.

Scourge may be in a hurry, impatient without question, but he could tell that Mephilis was trying to deceive him just as much as he was trying to trick Mephilis... "You gonna back-stab me, Dark? Better do it while I'm in a good mood..." He smirked, getting up in his face again and not fearing the power he demonstrated earlier; or at least, shaking it off. "Ember's mine. I'll rip the gem out, then you take it as host, and I control you. We all in accord again?"

Mephilis just stared at him, and as though dismissing conflict, moved Scourge aside with a soft swing of his arm. "When I am host to the Cursed Emerald... you shall have a world that will burn in black flames..." He continued on, dipping as though sinking down into the shadows...

Scourge was getting ticked off, "He'll set me aside for the last time... do you have what I asked for?" the team showed him that the portal Mephilis created did in fact lead to a forested area, and seemed to have Manic with Shadow.

"Excellent..." Scourge put his sunglasses back into place, then adjusted his crown. "Let's stick to the plan for now... we'll deal with Darky later..." he then snapped his fingers for Fiona to speak up again. "What about Sonic and the other Chaos Emeralds?"

"They've fortified the island. It will be tricky... but with Mephilis's portals, we should be able to-" She stopped as he spun around, grabbing her waist, and gripped her to him.

"Shh... you're so fidgety lately..." He cooed, lowering his sunglasses, "Babe, all I'm asking is that we plan for that guy to be smoke and dust by the time I get the Cursed Emerald..."

"R-right." She sweat-dropped, knowing that he planned to ditch Mephilis as soon as possible. "In that case~" she flung the paper back behind her, letting it drift in gentle sways to the burning grounds behind them. It was clearly her report from her spy mission, and decided to loop her arms around his neck, "We'll need a long rope... or you'll have to chaos teleport our merry band of thieves..."

"And I, their king." He shoved his face into hers, kissing her as the others waited while they messed around...

Rouge watched as they all disappeared into the portal... behind them, thousands upon thousands of burnt ruins... and flying pieces of flaming fabrics blew in the wind...

"I have to warn them!" she worriedly began to fly into the alley but turned when someone cried out for help, and flaming beams from streets and houses began to topple over one right after the other, some in the distance and others sparking as lamppost exploded as they hit the ground. "...They need me too, though." In her moment of conflict, she flew towards the burning city...

"Please be alright... Shadow... Manic... Ember..." she pleaded under her breath, "I'm leaving them to you all now."

Ember was forging but finding it hard not to pluck a berry with her claw, and then lick the juices and call it 'not eating' her bundle.

She knew Shadow would disapprove but Manic? He'd probably think it was funny. She hummed as she tried to not think about all the evil people that were after her. After all, it wasn't new, it was just kinda exciting. She was immortal, never really aged, but seemed to have never truly lost her immaturity at finding humor in even the most outrageous and life-threatening circumstances.

Sure, you get hurt, but as long as its only her getting hurt she's okay with it.

She thought back to Maria and Gerald Robotnik, how no matter what went wrong, they were always together.

The kids she'd look after and who'd treat her with their skits and plays to entertain one another... they were always together.

Shadow, however... seemed to be more concerned about his 'duty' then spending much time with her.

She loved going on missions with him, trying to impress him. He always acted like she was a liability though... even though he knew how powerful and capable her abilities were.

She could control some chaos, she could do some amazing feats, why did he always scold her on her strength and acting first before asking questions later? She was very much the same with doing something and apologizing later, her simple mottoes, she supposed. It was just her nature, and it seemed to bother Shadow... Was it truly her downfall? Curiosity only killed cats though, not wolves.

Even so, Shadow was kinda always protective of her, now that she thought of it. Even before he accepted her as his experimental prototype for his creation, he seemed to have a distaste for leaving her be too long. Isn't that what brothers are supposed to do? She couldn't really know... but seeing how Manic and Sonic joked around, verses Sonic and Tails, or Manic with his bandmates... it seemed like Sonic and Manic could goof off, wrestle, and even tease without worrying too much about the other.

So then... what was Shadow's deal? Why didn't he trust her... why didn't he want her around..?

She felt her tail swish down to the ground at the thought... She had always taken care of others, maybe that was Shadow's way of showing affection too?

Wasn't she overprotective? Wasn't she always on-guard? Perhaps she just hoped her and Shadow would be different. A true sibling bond.

She would want to return the favor, but how? He didn't even like hugs... but they did trust each other, right?

She trusted him... he seemed to trust her... was Rouge right? Was that why G.U.N kicked her out? Simply because they did trust each other but maybe two experiments was too much for them.

She paused and looked at the food in her hand, growing sorrowful again. Was the world jealous, or just Shadow?

He was the perfect weapon... the cure to all humanity... and yet, she was meant to protect him.

Then why... does it seem like he's protecting her?

Were they really... ever gonna be like a real family?

Or were they already one? But an imperfect one?

She slowly... let her hands fall and the berries drop out of her arms. Sighing, she looked to where she knew Manic and Shadow should be, "I got the food... some of them aren't stabbed... hehe..." She tried to play off her pondering emotions and licked her claws again. "They're good, at least." she teased.

No one answered...

"Shadow?" she called, trying to look over the foliage and tree trucks. "Manic?"

But no one answered.

She narrowed her eyes... and began to sneak around to see what she could find.

As she twisted herself through the bush, she let out a quiet gasp and plugged her mouth, seeing Manic and Shadow each tied up by what looked like shadowy vines that clung and tightened with their struggling movement.

In her surprise, she comically looked for somewhere that could conceal herself. So while still covering her mouth, she dived into what looked like a mossy patch near some water, and let the moss cushion her hasty fall to hide.

"Chaos... Spear!" Shadow was able to shoot out some beams to hit back Mephilis and Scourge's team, but Scourge took out a knife with a refined blade and held it to Manic, then a gun with a black coating and held it to Shadow's head.

The others had successfully dodged the spears, and snickered at their futile attempts.

"You can't contain me, I'm-!" Shadow began but realized these shadows had a strange power to them... he didn't realize they were infused with his own shadow... thus making them successfully able to contain him and his own power.

"Quick the light spectacle and realize when you're beat." Scourge pressed the gun's barrel against Shadow to move his head back against the tree they were tied up too. Manic couldn't reach his necklace, but Mephilis saw his attempts.

Floating on some shadows with his arms out wide, he turned to instruct Scourge, "Rip that silly trinket by his neck... Let him know true despair, when one holds no power, and takes everything away from you..." sadistically, he held up his hand, as if a dark sense of torment was awakening once again in him. He crushed his fists together, "I want to see the look of helplessness... as I take that light of hope from his eyes..."

"Oui! What'd I say about you giving me orders?!" Scourge flicked the knife under the necklace, "Only I'm allowed to do that!" twisting the sharp side of the blade to his necklace's bond around his neck, he yanked it off of him, pulling back the band and making his neck snap a little back as he tried to resist having his precious, childhood power and gift removed from him.

"Nooo..!" Manic saw the magical necklace fly through the air, glistening in and flipping through the gaps of light through the trees... his most precious possession left to him, which reminded him of his beloved mother... like having his family torn from him when he was an infant. It fell to the dirty soil and barely made a noise, due to the soft ground beneath...

He hunched a little, already seeming defeated by not having any special abilities, and now... not even having his only means to fight back besides his natural struggling force. "Now... I'm really mad." Manic gritted his teeth, some tears forming on the sides of his eyes. "I won't let you get away with this... with hurting Ember... or with taking any of my family from me!" he looked up with eyes full of righteous vengeance.

Shadow had never seen this side of Manic before, and it surprised him somewhat, but now was not the time to be in awe. Instead, he noticed that Manic and Scourge had created a kind of opening. This distraction allowed him to sneakily reach back and get a firm touch on his communication device. Swiftly, and trying to be discreet about it, his G.U.N training kicked in and he began typing in coordinates for Rouge and Tails. Hoping the signal wouldn't get spotted by the others... Shadow hid the device under his gloved wrist as it sent the code, however, transferring it to the others remotely was going to take some time...

Mephilis, highly sensitive to Shadow's movements, rose his head in Manic's defiant spirit and tenacious attitude, but sensed something off with Shadow. He was delighting in Manic's sorrow and frustration, but that would have to wait for now...

"He's fidgeting too much..." Mephilis lifted his hand and in a whirlwind of speed, slashed Shadow in the head and knocked him out. "There... that's better... Hahahah!" his infamous laugh carried through the forest, as Ember's hands twitched in rage.

Her Cursed Emerald began to glow...

"Heh, I like your style." Scourge used the bunt side of the gun to knock out Manic from his neck, "Now what? Where's the girl!?" Scourge turned to Mephilis, pointing the gun to him... "I think you already figured this out but... I don't like to be kept waiting..."

Ember couldn't contain her rage anymore, the insanity from the Cursed Emerald drove her out of hiding, her emotions spiraling out of control. This wasn't the first time, but she wanted it to desperately be the last time anyone messed with her friends and life. 'I'm tired of people telling me not to fight!' she felt her body lose control as she ran on all fours to defend her beloved family...

"RRAHHH!" She jumped into the air, the curse in full swing as her entire body was filled with her insanity mode flaring to life. "Let them go!" Black flames burst from her purple emerald, and Mephilis's eyes reflected their glow.

"Yeeess... You'll do nicely." He seemed fixated on the dark power it contained, seeing it as the perfect host for this new timeline.

Her eyes burned white as she came down, but Mephilis moved quickly back, floating on his shadows as the earth shook and cracked under her power.

"Alright! An ultimate showdown! At last!" Scourge readied himself, but Mephilis drifted in front of him, his shadows like a catching up behind him. "What!? What are you..? Out of my way, freak!"

He shot the back of Mephilis's head, "I'm tired of this game!" But Mephilis's head just bent forward with every shot, and it was clear nothing was penetrating through his crystal hide... The bullets looked squished and condensed upon impact with his quills.

He slowly turned back... "I'll deal with you... after my form becomes permanent in this world..." He was fading, but reached out to Ember, "I can kill Shadow, and he has the power to destroy your beloved friend as well..." He then gestured to Scourge and Manic. "What will you choose? Immortal... a prototype? You were made to be a mistake, to learn from... But with me, I can give you your ultimate purpose..." He lifted his arms up into the air, showing the half-destroyed moon. "There must be revenge that you seek... much like your figurative brother..." He slowly turned his attention back to her. "I have the means to control your cursed emerald... join to me, child of error, and I shall make you the key to all destruction!" he clenched a fist up by her, showing his resolve to want to 'help' her.

However, Ember—still wild—had already broken through Scourge's goons that had come around from behind, and slowly hunched over at Mephilis's words.

The Destructix's lay panting on the ground, remembering last time... and knowing they're efforts were futile.

Even Scourge looked pathetically over to them, seeing that without Mephilis, taking Ember head-on again might be a bad idea...

Her eyes seemed vast and hollow, as though Mephilis's words meant nothing in this state. Instead, they were simply filled with the power of negative chaos energy...

"You have a choice..." Mephilis began, speaking plainly as he could tell that Ember was no longer present, but only the Cursed Emerald's protective recognition remained. "Surrender yourself to me... or let me take over your current host's form." he flicked his fingers out, before jamming his claws into Shadow's side again. "Otherwise... I make your host's life even worse... more alone than ever before... and you, the soul who reigns over her... forever. Hahahaha!" he had figured it out, her emotions got the better of her and let out it's full power. He truly was clever, and using Shadow as a trigger, hoped the Cursed Emerald would be fueled off of her emotions, and get even stronger. "Do you now see where my loyalty lies? Now... let us join together! We shall rule this world with a burning blaze!"

Ember's power skyrocketed as her body jerked forward and then back, seeing Shadow reel back in pain before going unconscious again. It was as though the amount of empathy felt in that moment gave Ember's body the same amount of pain as it saw Shadow endure.

"Mortal... immortal... nothing escapes fate." Mephilis pulled out his claws, his shadows released Shadow from his bonds around the tree truck and he fell forward. Mephilis never ceased in his dark pleasure of torment and pain, laughing and laughing in his sadistic delights, leaning his head back as though to gloat and strike envy. "It never gets old... seeing the fear and hatred on their faces... when I kill all they care about..." Was he speaking to himself? Or to Scourge?

Now it didn't matter what he knew about Shadow's future, it was clear he wanted a ill fate for him, and for Ember as well... Though trapped inside her own mind, Ember clawed for redemption. 'Manic... everyone... if I let this fiend live, he'll tear apart the whole of what I've found!' she pounded against the dark energies that kept her locked up tight. 'My emotions... they're not meant for evil! Cursed Emerald... you're not cursed anymore! You're my power! And I choose to use you to protect my family!"

Mephilis all at once... became her new G.U.N.

Getting a momentary grip on herself, Ember reached into her chest, scratching and digging to try and pull the Cursed Emerald out of her. 'I can't lose him!' she began to cry through the searing pain as her claws bore into her flesh. However, it was instantly healing itself, burning to seal the scars she was making. She couldn't pull it out, and it wouldn't be ripped from her either... soon, it back-lashed and forced her into a full state of control, meaning that it now had full power over her... and was completely consumed in her emotions once again.

"Join me, Cursed one!" Mephilis spread his shadows around her, but the Cursed Emerald controlling Ember's body tilted its head, only interested in destruction.

Bursting into raw chaos energy, Ember's body looked more like a giant, standing wolf than anything else... her power radiated into a beast in it's rising aura...

Mephilis was slightly taken aback, "This power... Iblis would be pleased." He laughed, "Very well, I shall take you on!"

Dark orbs were thrown towards Ember's body, but she shredded through them with her dark energy claws, her true form hidden within the massive dark aura-wolf. It blasted the shadows away that tried to consume the Cursed Emerald, showing that it wouldn't be taken without a fight.

Manic's head looked up, feeling the shadows loosen and weaken from around him as he fell down from the tree he was tied too. "What... what happened?" he looked to his necklace, and reached for it in a sudden moment of clarity.

"Ah-ah-ah." Scourge kicked it away, mimicking Sonic's infamous finger wiggle and grabbing him into a choke hold. "Who said you were allowed to wake up!?"

As Manic struggled, trying to reach for a punch, it was clear Scourge was stronger than him. "Hahaha! Pathetic! She chose you over me!?" He raised an eyebrow, "I'll let Mephilis weaken her down a bit first, after all, I tried to fight her and look where that got me?"

He threw Manic as he slammed against the tree, falling back down and struggling to get up.

"But you? That's the easy part. You don't have your precious little girlfriend to protect you." He pulled out his gun, firing off some bullets as Manic rolled on the ground to dodge them. "Darn that Dark... he took all my bullets like it was nothing..." Scourge rolled his shoulders back, arching his steps around Manic and tossing the gun after it seemed emptied of bullets. "Guess we'll do this the old fashion way..." He took his knife and and then stomped directly on Manic's necklace, making Manic look up and glare in his pain.

"You're gonna end up just like him..." Scourge flicked his head to Shadow's limp form, as Manic gasped, seeing it.

"Shadow! No!" he cried out. "Shadow! Get up! Ember needs-!"

"Nothing but death!" Scourge laughed, "Same's gonna come to you, and I'm not sorry. Let's consider it a mercy kill, eh? You don't have to see your doggy dame maimed before your eyes!"

But as soon as he said that, Manic jumped at him and began to push back, grabbing his arms. "I may not be as strong as you... but I'm ten times more clever than you!" he slid his foot between Scourge's feet, then pulled it back around his foot to have him trip and fall backwards.

Manic's drum necklace skidded from the action over the ground. Manic reached and grabbed it with a tumble, rolling before having it glow in his hands. "And she picked me because I'm handsomer shade of green than you! The ones that not representative of envy!" Manic summoned his drums, then took out his drumsticks and began warming up with a drum roll. "I don't think you can take this beat, Scourge!" he began to fire off sonic booms from his drums, pushing and shoving Scourge down, as the knife in his hand was pulsed back by its sonic power.

"Grr..! No!" Scourge used his super sonic speed to start moving to dodge each drum beat. "You think you're stronger than your own anti-brother!?" but right before reaching the drums and seeing the white in Manic's worried eyes as Scourge reached out for him...

"HRRAHH!" Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles jumped from the bushes, tackling into Scourge as Manic stopped playing in awe.

"Everyone!" Manic's eyes widened and then relaxed in relief. "Thank you." He breathed out, and then looked to see Shadow starting to get up on his feet, gripping his torn and pierced side.

He crawled towards Ember's insane, dark aura-wolf form as though desperate to reach her.

"Em...ber..." He stumbled to his feet, but looked a bit woozy from the loss of blood. "I'm... com-...ing..."

"Shadow!" Manic unsummoned his drums and kept a firm grip on his magical necklace, but grabbed Shadow to help him stand better. "What'd he do to you?"

"Urk... She... needs my... help." He tried to move forward, but Manic helped him not fall.

"I know, I know! But she'd never forgive me if I didn't help you first!" Manic looked to see Scourge's crew start coming too, and Ember's insane form fighting Mephilis. "This looks ugly... I know you guys recover fast, what do you need me to do?"

Shadow gave him one look, and he knew.

Save Ember...

for me, in my place.

Mephilis began compiling all his being into one, super mass of his collective consciousness. "Now... you're mine!" as though a miniature storm, flashes of lightning formed around the purple mass as the shadows circled all around it quickly, helping to move it towards Ember's insanity frame. Diving into Ember's form, other shadows leaped up from the shade of the trees to tie her down as she remained on her feet, growling and straining against their takeover.

"At last... though not Iblis... you and I shall be... Cursembaris!" Mephilis's ball of dark energy blasted the dark aura-wolf as it howled in defiance, but was absorbed into his purple and blue darkness, which then engulfed Ember's body.

No matter the power of the Cursed Emerald, Mephilis the Dark soon sealed himself in fire within it's core...

The shining emerald suddenly dulled with shadows, and soon...

"I can't waste another moment..! You're power must fuse with mine, or I will fade from existence of all worlds! I can't fight any longer without a host... You will do nicely! Hahahaha!" Mephilis got her down to her knees, as her form took on a crystallized state, and her eyes shifted to Mephilis's own...

Suddenly, her form was overwhelmed by flames, bursting up and spreading out to form her into light that mixed with his shadows.

The fire raged and burnt the ground beneath as she was lifted into the air, and then made into a black flame, crystallized, large wolf.

Cursembaris looked at it's new body... moving up to its full height, it laughed manically in a monstrous howl that blasted the wind back and forced the others to brace against the wind storm.

Suddenly, with the power of a cursed chaos emerald, it summoned many shadows. All resembled his previous form: Mephilis, and a deadly horde began to materialize to finish off Mephilis's original goal as Solaris.

"Now... to finish off this world... and burn it all, as I have promised you, Scourge... Hahaha!" Mephilis's voice was mixed with Ember's, and their laughter was more fine-tuned, making it sound even more sinister than before...

"Grk..!" Manic forced himself up, his drums ready for battle again. "I've fought you once and held my own! Release Ember, now!" he hit the drums hard, but the fused creation just flicked his wolf's paw, and thousands of the shadow-horde began to run towards Manic.

Cursembaris laughed through it's crystallized body as though cackling howls from rocks banging against an echoing cave... Ember's voice being drowned out by Mephilis. It stalked around the battlefield as though eyeing its prey, watching Manic desperately fight back against the horde. It kept it's head low, readying to pounce at any moment...

The shadows were destroyed by different drumbeat sonic booms, but Manic was already feeling the weariness setting in. Gritting his teeth, he tried to send the blasts where they needed to go.

"This world will be too easy..." Mephilis mused, holding a clawed, crystal paw out, as though ready to hunt. "I will destroy the ultimate life form... take out Sonic once and for all,... and then leave you as a toothpick for when I'm bored!" Cursembaris's snarl spewed fire through its bared teeth. This was driving Manic insane, he hated it with a deep passion and anger, hearing Ember's lovely voice mingled with such evil.

Shadow, still hunched over, brought out his hand to his side, 'I can't let this stand... I won't lose her. I won't lose anyone else!' He looked up at his sister, seeing a form which he didn't know or understand. His fist tightened, "I had to let you go once... I won't do it again!" He took off his limiters, preparing himself as he stored his power up. "Chaos... spears!" he was able to successfully target a few spears that pierced through the shadows, having them automatically disintegrate and then strike through Cursembaris's crystal hide. They were made of pure light and chaos energy, stabbing with an effect into a dark being like Mephilis and the Cursed Emerald meant it began to weaken the shadows around it, causing actual damage.

It's crystal wolf body was jammed back with each successful spear glowing an area of effect around it, spreading light through its being...

"Hopefully... you can... push through it..." Shadow fell back to his knees, then fell down as his body began to recover and forced him to yield.

It's head slowly looked up to Shadow after examining itself, and almost with concern, it stared... until Mephilis's voice, the dominant sound, rang through again in it's muffled cry. "You'd injure your own sister..? For the sake of the world..? Shadow... I never thought you so cruel..."

Shadow frowned openly, his fangs bared, gripping his injured side as he twitched helpless on the ground. "I'm not aiming for her..!"

Cursembaris tilted it's head, then turned to see Scourge had fought off Sonic, throwing him off of him but seeing his team still apprehended. He glared to it and charged, jumping and grabbing the Cursed Emerald in glowing purple as he was burned by its natural protection of itself. "My turn!" his eyes blazed with power... though the Cursed Emerald wanted to lash back and fight, it was being controlled by Mephilis... So it could only sear him for now...

"This power is meant to be mine!" Scourge used all his imbued Master Emerald strength to try and force the Cursed Emerald out. The natural repulsion was actually working in his favor... The gem began to move out from the spiraling flames and dark purple mist... Thanks to Shadow's Chaos Spears still giving the creature splotches of yellow glowing light to weaken Mephilis's control and power over it.

"N...Nooo!" Mephilis, weakened by the now exploding Chaos Spears Shadow had thrown, felt them pulse off with every hit from Manic's other light and sound based attack...

Soon, Scourge's tug-o-war was actually succeeding, as his gloves were consumed in flame, his insane smirk never left him.

Manic's feelings pounded the drums with a powerful beat that exploded his sonic booms to push Mephilis back and Scourge closer to pulling the Cursed Emerald out. Shadow watched as he flicked his fingers and wrists, letting the Chaos Spears go off one by one in rhythm with Manic's attacks.

Howling into whimpers, Cursembaris reeled its massive form skyward, leaning its head back in the pain and slowly defusing at Scourge's persistence.

"Nooo..! I refuse to lose! I must at least destroy Sonic The Hedgehog! The Iblis Trigger!" Mephilis began to fade... his time running out. He turned to Sonic and his gang, who were unsure of how to approach the creature without getting burned. Bringing out the pure Chaos Emeralds, Sonic turned Super, and stared into the magma stones that made the being's eyes... dead in their centers as his form glowed the same way the Chaos Spears had...

"You want some?" He gestured to his new, light-based form. "Come and get me!" he bolted off at incredible speeds, flying behind Cursembaris and charging into it's neck. Digging his way through, Sonic pushed and punched the Cursed Emerald towards Scourge, helping to remove it.

According to Tails, if the Cursed Emerald was removed from Mephilis, Ember would return. He noticed the shift of polarity around the two converging timelines that were still being affected by Mephilis's presence, and determined that if they stalled long enough, Mephilis the Dark would fade from this reality, his own being wiped out in the process...

"Why... can't I... fight back?!" Mephilis's voice rang through as Cursembaris swung it's head around, trying to resist the urge to create more destruction and hacok. With all these forcing whamming into it, causing great damage to the Dark forces controlling it, the light side began to shine through...

It leaned it's head up, it's eyes filling with the white fire that Ember's would have had if still in her insanity mode.

"I ... won't... hurt... my family."

Ember's voice... was finally in control.

Scourge—at last—had gripped a Chaos Spear that hadn't exploded yet, feeling his hands burn from the light of that as well as the whipping backlash from the Cursed Emerald, and ripped it out of place. He forced it deeper into the beast, jamming it behind the Cursed Emerald and desperately trying to excavate it out as he wiggled the Chaos Spear around to hopefully pull it lose. Finally, he ripped Ember's fusion out from Mephilis as he faded away in a blaze of glory.

"Ah... HAAA...ahhhhh..." Mephilis's form began to drift towards the ground, as Ember's landed in ashes... "Now... I shall truly be... forgotten..." Mephilis's consciousness, a purple mass of shadows, slowly dwindled out on the ground... a puddle becoming less and less... before all at once... getting blown gently out of reality and time...

Ember opened her eyes gently, seeing the ash below her clawed fingers drift as scourged sunglasses tank'ed against the ground near her. As Mephilis disappeared, Super Sonic slowly returned down to the ground, and looked around for Scourge. "Where is he..? What..?" He saw the sunglasses, as Ember seemed to refuse to reach for them.

Super Sonic remained silent, horrified but also dropping his jaw at the fact that the heat had been so intense that perhaps... Scourge was was burnt into oblivion too...

He turned his head down and closed his eyes, but in his moment for the dead, Scourge was glowing green behind him. "Aw, I'm touched." and then sucker-punched Sonic. "But if that emerald won't budge, I'll kill her and take it for myself!" Hearing that he may try and fuse with the Cursed Emerald, Ember slowly got up, clutching her now completely black and soot-covered chest... forcing herself upright.

Shadow gripped his side and stumbled over to Manic, giving him a nod. He knew now that Manic would do whatever it took to protect Ember and keep her safe. Giving him a thumbs up... he turned to Ember, mouthed words she only wished she could have heard... and then collapsed.

"Shadow!" Manic didn't leave his drums again, seeing Scourge crash Super Sonic against multiple trees and then grab Ember, still trying to control her power.

However,...

"You never learn..." Ember muttered, sending him back in a backlash as she moved her arm and let him grab the Cursed Emerald again, but was blown so far away in its fury... She then, seeing the damage done, knew what last thing she should try.

Surrendering fully to its cursed power, she leaned her body back. "Shadow... I love you too. I won't forget again... that you accept the good I see in Manic, and that you don't want to lose me just as much... as I'd hate to lose you too." She let out some tears, as the Cursed Emerald began its last stand at defending itself. "Manic... I've seen you struggle, and do everything within your power to protect me... I won't forget this... I won't forget your love and devotion. Even if you only have the power of a mortal... you fought an immortal cause. You have gained your victory... And I will love you forever." Then she spread her arms out, "I'll remember... but you won't need too... This awful fate... that threatened my friends and family... will never be again." She closed her eyes, as Manic tried to run to her, "Chaos... Unleashed." A huge white light engulfed the entire area...

Time was rewritten, as is what the power of the Chaos Emeralds can do... though this power was reversed in that it could completely rewrite fate only if severely threatened by removal and/or death.

Ember was sitting down with Manic after the concert, leaning on his shoulder. 'Finally... Peace.' she thought to herself, proud that she was able to muster the courage to perform after all the emotional and painful turmoil of the time that never was...

Only she alone remembered... Shadow's figurative blessing to Manic in a simple accepting thumbs-up, and that mysterious figure that she still didn't know who or what he was... She had already called Shadow to warn him about Scourge's escape and they found him right away. It was as though she saved her family without a single soul knowing about it.

'Good... who needs another gloat, anyway?' she joked within her mind, smiling as Manic kissed her forehead, still thinking she was just calming down from stage fright.

Shadow's Chaos Spears had weakened both Mephilis and the Cursed Emerald's power, allowing Scourge to pull her out. Then, when the spears disappeared, Ember had control over her insanity power for a split second, and used it to go back... knowing Mephilis wouldn't be there to screw up her future this time... But the unleashed Chaos came with a price...

She leaned up to look at Manic, "When I predicted Scourge's eventual escape, I also told Shadow how much you cared about me... I think he's willing to see that I want time with him... and with you, too." she gently put her hand into his, grasping it lightly. "Is that alright?" she looked down as though shyly to his hand.

He chuckled to himself, growing nervous. "W-what? What brought that up all of a sudden?" He rubbed behind his quills, but she fiddled with his long-hanging bangs as he smiled warmly to her. "Did you learn my secret?"

"What secret?" she looked away, pretending like she didn't know he wanted Shadow's blessing. She had heard a lot through Mephilis's fusion with her, and his shadows and knowledge of them were something she was able to discover. Though... she still didn't understand his reasoning when she searched his mind for 'Iblis Trigger' or 'Solaris'. It was all too confusing, anyway, and she didn't stay fused for too long either.

But his influence over her was still there... the longing for destruction, the cunning and manipulation... her Cursed Emerald's flame would never glow the same...

"Never you mind how I know things~" she teased, fanning them away and disregarding her own sinister thoughts that she would push away. She was strong enough to resist whatever power was still infused in her emerald... she didn't care. She only wanted to use her power to protect those she cared about. The power would be used for nothing else, "Just come here and tell me what a great singer I was tonight..." she cupped his face, knowing he really did try everything to protect her in that other, erased timeline now. They kissed very sweetly, but he soon pulled her into a deeper, more passionate moment.

"You sang like a dark angel." he slowly moved over her, as she spread her back slowly against the stage's floor, letting him make his way over her. "Like a siren through the sea of lights..." She was feeling her heart rate escalate with the moment when...

Suddenly, a voice came from the rafters.

"Now, now, you two." The alluring woman's voice slyly added, "Play nice! After all, I'd hate to tell Shadow that when he sent me to look after you, that you and your new boyfriend —who he so graciously allowed for you to be with —were being naughty..."

Rouge's voice rang a thousand times in Ember's ears and mind when she pulled away from Manic and shook her fist in frustration. "SHHHADDDOWW!" she whined in disapproval, not liking that he sent Rouge to spy on her, still thinking her a child.

"Hmph!" she folded her arms, turning from Manic and pouting. "He still can't trust me!?"

Manic just laughed, "Ohhh, now I see the family resemblance!" he pointed to her frown and then clutched his head and stomach, belting out a hardy, but joyous cascade of laughter.

She couldn't help it, she may be imperfect but so was the rest of the world. She had a family... and no matter what twists in time or space was brought their way, they would always love each other, and want to spend time with one another.

That brought her peace. Love and family, imperfect people being perfect for each other.

She hugged Manic and laughed too, enjoying the moment with him, as Rouge smiled sweetly down to them and then flew off, giving them their alone time and space... since this was the timeline within this universe's space that they could do so... without any distractions or restraints~!

END.

[dragon8641]

The Soldier and The Empress 5

The Golden Runaway

"Izanagi? Like, the Creator God Izanagi?"

"Exactly"

"Well that doesn't sound pretentious in the slightest" Nonon was playful, but instead she used sarcasm, she was more serious than before.

"Is he strong?" Sanageyama asked.

"If he's around the two-star district and we were notified of him, he should" Gamagoori answered Sanageyama.

"Haven't seen him in a long while, tell Lady Satsuki i'll might do some noise soon..."

"I'll get him first if you slack off Kai!" Sanageyama declared.

"Stay out of this Sanageyama, this one is mine" With a glare, Sanageyama's face twisted as he had seen a monster, Nonon hid behind her hat and Inumuta was typing looking too closely at the screen.

"I'm gonna assume you know he let himself get the picture taken in order to lure you out" Inumuta told me, he was right of course.

"That's why i'm going to fight him at Honnouji, with you all here if, and only if, it becomes a pain, i'm sure i'll have your back up."

"It's Only Natural!" Gamagoori said without stuttering.

"If i get a go at this asshole, then sure man!"

"I don't really feel like it, but then again, i can use this to let some steam out..."

"Be sure to get me some mean data if you will Tadasuki"

"Don't get your hopes up, i plan to end this quickly."

The sound of doors being swung open struck the room

A *Click* and a blazing light came from the back of the room.

"Isn't this quite the opportunity? Tadasuki"

"Lady Satsuki" The elite four said as they bowed deeply, I only bowed slightly.

"It is as you say Lady Satsuki, I wish to see to this matter myself, with your permission of course"

"You don't need it for this enemy, do as you please, just don't lose!"- She slammed Bakuzan in the ground -"Listen up Elite four! You will aid Tadasuki on this mission as he sees fit!"

"Of Course Lady Satsuki!" Four voices were heard in unison.

"You have my undying gratitude Lady Satsuki" Now I bowed deeply.

"Start whenever you want, Tadasuki"

Thankfully it was the end of the day, I excused myself and left to my own chambers in the Honnouji tower. I wanted to meditate a bit before facing Izanagi again, after all, I was damn sure I killed him last time I saw him.

/

Tadasuki left the room the room, saying he was gonna get some rest.

"(Like c'mon! you can't just get everyone all worked up and leave like that!)" Jakuzure pouted as she flopped in the couch. "Lady Satsuki… is there some other reason Kai wants to fight this guy so badly? i get that they were brothers and his family was kinda... not good, but is far too unusual to see him this angry..."

"It's quite the long story Nonon, though i feel like you may want listen to it anyway" Satsuki smiled both on the inside and outside.

"Yay! we get to know more bout' Mr. Lizard!" Nonon sat facing Satsuki.

"I'm also interested in hearing that!" Sanageyama got excited.

"Please do not miss any details Lady Satsuki" Inumuta bowed on his seat while a blank document was on the screen of his laptop.

"He avoids most of the questions about his past… i'm curious as well Lady Satsuki" Everyone, even Gamagoori, got comfortable for Satsuki to start telling them about Kai Tadasuki's past, from the time he was Daisuke Kogane.

"The Kogane Family were a 'company' that were onto many shady business, Eventually they were all exposed by REVOCS and annihilated" After taking a sip of her tea, Satsuki started the history.

"Interesting..." Inumuta said under his breath as to not interrupt Satsuki.

"The head of the Kogane household was an awful man, his name doesn't matter now, what matters is that he had one legitimate son, Izanagi. As well as many other illegitimate ones"

"That's where Kai goes in... ah! my apologies Lady Satsuki..." Sanageyama realized he was being rude.

Satsuki ignored him and continued

"One day a woman, probably a sex worker, joined the Kogane Household by declaring that a nameless kid was also the head's son, that kid had about five years and still didn't had a name, worthless pigs, all of them..."- She sounded really angry, yet with a sip of tea she calmed down and continued calmy once again. -"That kid, became Daisuke Kogane."

Everyone was speechless, but Satsuki did not stopped there.

"When that happened the Kogane were still in their prime, yet Daisuke was treated like a slave, even if he had their family name, he was still not recognized as one of them, that is how he became to hate people when we first found him, remember?"

"True, his background was a little cloudy but by what we had it was clear that he loathed the students at his high school and people in general..."

"Indeed, but that is still a couple of years after he became Kai Tadasuki… Daisuke Kogane received a minimal amount of education compared to Izanagi and was raised by the gold digger who brought him into that mess"

"What horrible people" Nonon was really invested into the story.

"Until one day, a bit after the start of middle school… he was sent in as a pit fighter against other kids in an illegal underground arena" She stopped the story to get another cup of tea.

"!" Inumuta stopped typing, Gamagoori had a surprised face on him, Jakuzure almost choked on the sweets she was eating and Sanageyama was deadly serious and silent.

"Wait, that's just awful!"

"Indeed it is Jakuzure, now..." Satsuki took another sip of the now full cup "He wasn't supposed to be the one to fight, it was Izanagi. The mother of Daisuke was the one who send him in so she could win a bet."

"What a bitch!"

"Truly a bunch of pigs, also… the battles were to the death..."

Everyone stayed silent out of shock.

"The kids wore mask that showed whose house they belonged to, so his father could not tell it wasn't Izanagi. Then the bell ringed."

/

A sand pit, a blade stuck at the very center. Two masked kids: one red, one blue neitherolder than 12 were facing at each other.

*ding ding*

The Red masked one starts running at the blade and gets a jump start.

The Blue mask starts running a bit later after realizing there is no more weapons on the arena.

The blinding lights made it impossible to see any of the sick people who watched this as entertainment.

The Red mask got first to the blade, but it was buried too deep, so the blue mask catched up landing a sucker punch on the red mask and sending him away from the blade.

The blade loosened up a little from their struggle, they both had one hand on the blade and the other punching away at their enemy.

Finally the blade came out of the ground, in Red's hands, Blue was unable to get away in time, and received a very shallow cut through his chest from side to side. Little blood spurt out as the crowd cheered.

Blue grasped the wound, while it wasn't deep it did hurt really bad.

"(Sand... Overhead Swing… Blood)"

Now about eight feet apart, Red points the sword at Blue, as if he was declaring victory.

Blue does a "come on" sign at Red.

Red charges at Blue with the sword really overhead.

Blue gets his guard low, so he is not seen grabbing sand from the ground.

Six feet away.

Four. Blue throws the sand at Red's face, Red's grip on the sword visible falters and Blue quickly follows up with a punch in the very center of the face. Red contorts from the hit, his body moving forward while his head goes backwards.

Red falls in the ground, the sword follows, falling really close to him, he is no longer moving.

*Ding ding*

The match is over.

"And the Winner is BLUE from Kogane House! Make sure to watch out when redeeming your bets!" they announced it like this, since it was usually just a representative of their house, not someone directly tied to them.

/

"Huh? weren't the battles to the death?" Jakuzure interrupted Satsuki, everyone else had this face of 'Yeah!' on them, as they agreed with Nonon.

"They were rigged of course, if it was Daisuke the one who fell that day he would have, undoubtedly, died."

"...I see..." The look on Nonon's face became really gloomy as she just accepted that fact.

Satsuki took yet another sip of tea "Fights like this keep coming, since Daisuke's mom was furious and made him fight to gain the money back… and he did, he had nowhere else to go after all..."

/

The familiar sight of the yellow sand, the blade stuck on the ground, the lights shining like the sun. Blue mask had now a ten win streak and the eleventh was just archived. Sadly, he had gotten used to this.

This fight in particular almost took the mask off Red, the blade struck the mask but stopped a bit after reaching the skin of Red's cheek. Blue took the sword away, it had blood on its tip, Red was still breathing, he was not dead. that was the last match of the day.

Daisuke the Blue mask now returned to his school, were he spent his time alone, since his last name haunted the other students.

Then there's this one guy, he was not too scared of Daisuke for unknown reasons, but every now and then tried to talk to Daisuke, failing every time since Daisuke hated people.

This one guy, came to school with a gauze on his left cheek, covering stitches.

That's when it hit Daisuke the hardest, he was not just in any normal school, it was a chicken pen. He had at some point fight some of the people in this very classroom at that arena, and those disappearances… could only mean one thing. Sure he hated people, but they all were in a similar spot as him.

/

"That's horrible!" Gamagoori could not help but interrupt Satsuki to express his feelings.

Satsuki took a last sip of her cup, handed it to Soroi and resumed her story without wait.

"By the time Daisuke realized he had to leave, he was at his last year in middle school. It was on his 30th victory that he put his plan into motion"

Once she received another cup of tea from Soroi, Satsuki explained Daisuke's plan to escape.

"He needed: Money, an Escape Route and a Weapon. He got the money by betting on himself when he fought, the Escape route was relatively easy, he just had to pretend take a shortcut when going to school and disappear, then he got the weapon..."

"The knife in his room..." Sanageyama jumped in.

"Indeed… The plan started and everything went well, too well..."

/

Walking through the back alleys, Daisuke alone walked like he usually does. He could not help anyone else at his school, he did not believed in heroes.

The skies darkened and the wind blows strong.

Daisuke is just a couple of turns away from freedom. Just one more turn left and he'll be gone for good.

Izanagi Kogane, there he was, with a smug look on his face, playing with some baseball, waiting for Daisuke.

"(Jacket… Thunder… Knife...)"

"Hey! little brother!"

"Izanagi… what do you want?"

"Me? nothing, but what do YOU want? that's the real question."

"Like you care"

"Indeed, but this time i do actually, i've been having the time of my life, since father thinks is myself the one that made all that money from him"

"He what?!"

"Oh, you didn't knew? you momma was sending you instead of me to that arena, i watched safely from the vip area."

"You bunch of assholes" Daisuke was furious at Izanagi but he did not raised his voice.

"Don't you worry, they won't miss you" He stepped out of the way and eventually walked past Daisuke.

Daisuke just stood there, boiling from anger. The dark clouds were on top of them, a Thunder and rain started to fall on both of them. Izanagi was still not too far away.

Soaked and at the sound of another thunder, Daisuke took off his jacket from school and threw it at Izanagi while shouting his name.

"Izanagi!"

The jacket hit him right in the face, it being a heavier from the water, Izanagi stumbled a little, then he felt something cold, far too cold from for it to be the rain.

Steel, in his throat.

Daisuke took the knife out of Izanagi, fold it back after cleaning it a little with the Rain and made a run for it, leaving his jacked behind.

/

"The rest we already know… he changed his name, entered high school and became the Kai Tadasuki we knew back then..." *click* sounded the empty cup being placed on the little plate.

"Oh wow!" Sanageyama was the most impressed.

"Now you all know who he was long before we found him. Do not get confused, Daisuke Kogane no longer exists inside our friend and ally Kai Tadasuki!"

"I never thought Mr. Lizard had killed someone… wait a minute! If this asshole Izanagi is dead, then how come he's messing shit up at the districts?!"

"That's exactly why he was so serious about it..."

"A Phantom of the past… it's almost... poetic" Sanageyama added.

"Didn't take you for the romantic type, Baka Saru!" (Stupid Monkey)

"Now I get why he got all serious… man, he's scary when he gets like that..." Sanageyama spoke his mind.

"I have to concur, he's far more fun to hang out with when he's not so serious and stuff" Nonon also poke her mind, this time though, Satsuki seemed a bit amused at her words.

"So it's not fun to spend time with me, is that what you are saying, Jakuzure?" She was joking, but the way she said it made it sound like a threat.

"N-not at all Lady Satsuki..." Nonon was scared. Satsuki laughed gracefully at her reaction. Then Satsuki got up from her seat.

"That is all for now, you all are dismissed for today." The sun had already settled, so she send her Elites away.

"Thank you Lady Satsuki!" They all bowed and left a after a bit. Ending the day.

[hockeybabestars]

Marry Me - Mat Barzal Part One

song: marry me by thomas rhett

a/n: hey guys!! i’ve had this finished for a while and i posted to my wattpad so i wanted to post here as well! also i looked up the championship game so if things are slightly off or wrong so sorry! hope y’all enjoy! 

Mat and I were childhood friends. I remember growing up so close to him. When we were five we would both strap on roller blades and go skating down the street. He would make me play goalie for him and sometimes he would peg me for the fun of it. In return I dressed him up in my clothes and did his makeup. And I would make him strut down the makeshift “runway”, which was really just the hallway. Our parents just thought we were being cute kids. Sleepovers at each other's houses were the weekend thing and we would always find a way to entertain ourselves, either by watching hockey or playing hockey in the driveway. Sometimes I would make him pretend to play wedding with me. I would make one of our parents pronounce us husband and wife, and those cute little baby lips would give me a tiny peck on the mouth.

When we were twelve we were inseparable, and instead of runways we would rollerblade down to the movie theater and sneak in to every movie. Even the R-rated ones. That’s when I started having nightmares. He still made me play goalie although I was a terrible one. He would score almost every time. And he would still peg me with the puck just for fun. Sleepovers were a thing of the past because of puberty or something. At least that’s what our parents said. But I missed those sleepovers, especially since It was hard to sleep in general, let alone without him. It had been routine. Play pretend weddings were replaced with questions, “What kind of flowers do you want at our wedding?” He asked jokingly, to amuse our parents.

“Probably Magnolias.” I laughed, playing along.

When we were eighteen, and seniors in high school, we were each other's support system. I was at every Thunderbirds game. I remember the night that he won the WHL championship like the back of my hand. 

Flashback

Seattle was down two against Regina in the third period of the game and the arena was buzzing in anticipation of what would happen next. The thunderbirds haven’t given up yet. Gropp let the puck fly and it went in the net bring the team within one, with four minutes left in regulation. I jumped up out of my seat, too excited and nervous to do anything but cheer. Finally with two minutes left Kolesar ripped a one-timer past the Regina goaltender, tying the game 3-3. I was sweating. I wanted this for the team, I wanted it for Mat, he worked so hard for this. After a couple minutes of holding my breath it was time for OT and pretty quickly Mat set up True for a shot which went in. They won! The team sprinted out onto the ice, gathering in a huge group hug and crying and shouting. They did it. I can’t believe he did it.

After the game the team, their girlfriends and some of their friends went to Jakes. It was the local diner they always went to after a win. Mat and his other co-captain gave a cute little speech about how hard they had worked and how proud they were of each other. The pride in his eyes gleamed and then he looked over to me. I just smiled and he ran over and wrapped me in the tightest hug.

“I can’t believe you did it. I’m so proud of you. You are such a good leader.” He released his tight hold on me, but not by much, his hands still lingering on my waist as he looked into my eyes.

“I couldn’t have done it if it weren’t for you. You were always there for me. You pushed me to be a better player and person.” I felt a little spark in my chest, and my heart sped up as he leaned in. Just as his lips were about to touch mine, Alexander True came over clapping Mat on the back.

“Barzy! What a pass man…..” Mat just gave me a sheepish smile as Alexander dragged him over to a few other teammates. He looked over his shoulder at me a little longingly, a little confused as he raised a brow, and I just laughed. But boy was my heart hammering out of my chest right now.

Eighteen was fun and confusing and heart breaking. I knew he was leaving for New York soon and I knew I couldn’t go with him. The feelings I had been hiding since we were 15 had a chance to dissipate. But the thought of living so far away had me in tears. We spent the whole summer together, every last minute dedicated to making a new memory. Sleep overs were a thing because you couldn’t separate us, even if you wanted to. I slept better when he was there. It was comfortable. It was routine. It was what I had known my whole life. The day he left was the hardest, I was a wreck. But I was so proud of him and where his future was leading him. I dropped him off at the airport with the promise that I would be visiting at Thanksgiving when I had a break from college, and that he would be home when I came home for Christmas. But that seemed like an awful long time to be away from someone you had spent your whole life attached at the hip to.

A few months had passed and I went to see him. He looked like he was in his natural element. His rookie season had been insane so far, and he looked happy. Like he was floating or something. Thanksgiving was fun because he took me to all of his favorite spots on the island and in the city. It was like I was learning something new about him and it was exciting. Of course I went to some Islander games. He surprised me with his jersey and forced me to wear it to every game while I was there. I didn’t mind wearing it though. It reminded me of him. When he came home for Christmas early it surprised me. I couldn’t help but throw myself around him, hugging him and telling him how much I missed him like crazy. And when he won the calder I was right there with him in Vegas telling him how much I believed in him. I knew he would win it. I had watched every game and knew that he had done something special.

But the following year was different. I met someone and he was amazing and kind and sweet and everything I wanted. Mat seemed distant when I told him. And when I brought Nate to New York the following spring break to meet Mat, things felt forced. He was the same old Mat to me, but with Nate he was standoffish. It seemed like he didn’t approve, but what could I do? Mat never made the jump to be with me, and we were on two completely different wavelengths. We wanted different things. And Nate made me happy. 

In March of my junior year in college Nate proposed. We had been together for a year and a half and I really did love him. I invited Mat to our wedding shower that summer.

[aleapoffaithfiction]

VIII.

“And you? You my destiny.” - Shyne

“More wine Mr. Marshall?”

Whether you’re from New York City or not, we’ve all in some way, shape, or manner ogled over the renowned skyline and created our own fantasies of everything that it is supposed to represent. Whether we’ve fed into the brutalizing gangster narrative painted in The Godfather or tried to figure out life and love along with the famous four in Sex and The City, it’s meaningful and will always represent either a new beginning or the backdrop of your wildest journeys and dreams. Tonight, as I’m in the midst of its beauty, it’s serving as a testament to either a potential new beginning or a distaste of some sort. I’ve been too focused on the soothing waves lightly rolling along the Hudson River and the patrons dinning around me to be able to figure out which predicament I’m actually in.

“Bring the bottle.” As my lips curved, my eyes panned over to the barely touched glass on my side of the table and they eventually landed on him. I’m assuming that was supposed to impress me and it might of if we were a bit more acquainted with one another. I’ve never been cozy with overindulging with any type of alcoholic beverages while on a date, because I need to be of sound, mind, and body in order to properly comprehend body language and most of all, the dialog between myself and the person I’ve chosen to go out with. Even with this so-called history that Quinton believes we have with one another, I still don’t trust him enough to expose my comfort zone with him. He’s not Taylor.

The River Café. It’s uniquely right under the Brooklyn Bridge and literally over the river. I’ve heard more than enough people rave about it for it to be in contention as one of the elite restaurants in borough and there’s no hiding the reality that it is also one of the most expensive places to have a bite to eat. Its romantic ambiance sets the mood with the dim lighting and panoramic views but in my opinion Dom Salvador, the Brazilian samba funk innovator, is the true main attraction. I’ve found myself nodding my head and occasionally snapping my fingers along to many of the tunes the celebrated pianist played since we’ve arrived. Quinton deserves credit for taking my stomping ground suggestion into consideration. Being in Brooklyn is a reminder of where we’ve come from, but sitting in this stunning restaurant in the heart of Dumbo, is a testament of how far we’ve come. Touché.

“How is your fish?” I chose the black sea bass as my main course. There was something about it being sautéed with lobster brown butter that attracted me to it over everything else. It was served with grilled artichoke ravioli and fresh artichoke. It’s pretty good, I can admit. The gnocchi I had for an appetizer may have been slightly better, but I’m not complaining. Quinton began his dining experience with an ounce of caviar that immediately cost him a hundred and eighty bucks. Caviar tastes like shit, so I wanted no parts of that.

“It’s really good. I’m enjoying it. And your steak?”

“It’s decent. I’ve had better.” I didn’t expect him to show up in a suit, but he did, in politician blue. In that field, your head can never leave the game. Who’s to say that he won’t run into some multimillionaire that he may need some campaign contributions from or maybe he’ll shake hands and kiss babies with a few supporters before we call it a night.

“Have you eaten here before?”

“Once before. It was a business dinner.”

“It’s my first time here. I’ve heard about it, but I never kept it in the back of my mind to come. I’m impressed for the most part. The location is literally perfect.” That it is. I can even say hello to our France gifted Statue of Liberty from here.

“It is right?”

“Absolutely.”

“So, let me ask you this. Why sports?”

“Why not sports? Don’t get me wrong, the sports industry within itself has a lot of bullshit within it but what industry doesn’t? You just have to learn how to move amongst the vultures. Overall, I don’t think a lot people realize how sports are one of the primary aspects of life that brings people together. When you step into those arenas, stadiums, or fields, you see people of all ethnic backgrounds sitting together, uniformly, and basking in the moment. Sports drive our emotions, serve as our conversation starters and endings, are reasons for our road trips, and bring tradition within our families. They began lifelong friendships, cure pain, and have served as a shift within this country and many others for centuries. I fell in love with them. They’re what thrilled me ever since I was a child and I had a parent who advocated for that.” I’ve gotten that question a lot; sometimes in a sexiest manner and on occasion, out of genuine interest. I’d like to think it’s what I was meant to do. I have a high regard for our nation’s doctors, lawyers, business people, artists, and everything else, but I’ve never had a passion to be anything else other than who and what I am right now.

“I don’t know. I’ve always thought you’d end up being an actress or some type of model.” Should I be insulted by that? I don’t know. “Why?”

“Of course, you’re beautiful, but you’ve also always been great at speaking and being expressive.”

“So, then we can attribute that as to why I’m so good at my job now. Why politics?”

“It wasn’t always my passion. Initially, I wanted to be a forensic scientist. Well, now that I think about it, I guess I always wanted to be involved with the justice process in some aspect. I’d like to think that’s what politics is but just in a much grander fashion.”

“Justice? So that’s all you’re in it for? The justice aspect of things?” I find that hard to believe. Sure, politicians have power but, in my opinion, it’s typically for all of the wrong reasons when it comes to most of them. I’ll give credit when it is due to those who actually do bring about the shifts in culture, growth, and renewal that they speak of but other than that, I’ve never been drawn to anything about it. I’m no American flag waving, super patriotic chick. Most would say I’m living the modernized American dream since I have no husband or children within my home seemingly by choice, but what the hell is the American dream anyway? What makes it the ultimate goal?

“I’d be liar if I said that is the only thing on my mind. I do want to make a difference, but not only within this city, but also within this country. For me, that’s a duty much like it is for a military officer who willingly signs up to protect and serve, but politics comes with networking unlike any other and that’s the type of networking that I need so that I can continue to take not only myself but also my businesses to new horizons.”

“I see.”

“You sound displeased.” His soft chuckle followed the sound of his fork hitting the plate. He then took a sip of his wine and leaned in to get a better glimpse at my facial expression.

“I’m not displeased. I can’t or won’t knock your hustle.”

“My hustle?”

“Everyone has a hustle.”

“This is true. I haven’t heard that word in quite a while but we know it well, being from here and all. Let me ask you this about your hustle Sarai. We all know and see how well you’ve done for yourself. We’ve applauded it and continue to do so. But is that it? All that you want to do with that powerful voice of yours is use it for sports? You only want to lend your voice to analyze, occasionally critique, and celebrate a bunch of pompous athletes who will never do the same for you in return?” This man has a lot of nerve.

“I lend my voice to what moves the world no matter what is going on. As I said, sports are a vital part of the culture of not only this country, but the entire world. People turn on their televisions every day, tune in through mobile devices, tablets, and whatever the hell else, just to be able to hear what I have to say. Those pompous athletes you speak of approach me whenever they’re able to catch me out somewhere and they either thank me or humbly admit they can understand why I critiqued something they did. I have no problem lending my voice to them, because they’re ordinary people with once in a lifetime talent, who live their lives under microscopes of misjudgment and scrutiny. As a politician, shouldn’t you understand that? Aren’t you supposed to be a voice for the people?”

“Yes, for the people.”

“And they’re people just like anyone else is.”

“I see bigger things for you. I always have. Why do you think I’ve been so adamant about us having a moment like this? It’s not only because I’ve always been attracted to you and interesting in having something more, but also because I want you with me during this journey. I believe that we can really get out there and make a real difference within this world. The Obamas were just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to black faces like ours being in positions of power. I don’t want what Barack accomplished to be a one and done because that’s what these white motherfuckers are working their hardest to make sure of. No one’s pushing back enough as far as I’m concerned but I’m going to be the one to do so.”

“You just said that you saw me becoming an actress or a model and now all of a sudden, I’m Michelle Obama’s successor? That’s funny. Ultimately, I’d like to believe we’re both already making a difference. No?”

“We are, but we’re just in the early stages of it. We’re still gold fish in a world full of sharks. You want to get ahead in this world? Not only do you have to be a shark too, but in our case, we have to be the sharpest ones because we don’t get to slide by with mediocrity like the others do.”

“I agree with that in some aspects.”

“Sarai, I don’t want to do this alone and this country prides itself on the foundation of family. I need a family. I can’t continue running for these higher offices without a wife by my side and eventually, a couple of children too.”

“You just said Sarai I don’t want to do this alone, and then you went on to explain all of the political reasons why you need me. What am I supposed to be? A prop? I’m not into politics. I’m a Democrat by default and it’s only because it’s the lesser of two evils. That’s all I have in that department and as far as I’m concerned, I’m fine with it. In addition to that, is that what our foundation is supposed to be? You’d be sliding a ring on my finger, when? Tonight? Next week? Maybe a month or two from now? And it’ll all be for the sake of you continuing to catapult your political career? Excuse my French, but you must be out of your fucking mind Quinton.” The octaves within our voices hadn’t shifted whatsoever and if anyone were closely observing us, you’d think we were two people gleefully enjoying one another over a candlelit dinner and yet the reality is, propositions are being laid out on the table and underhanded insults were being slipped in somewhere in between them.

“Your mother said you would say that.”

“My mother? You spoke with my mother about this? Oh yeah, you are the idiot that I’ve always thought you were.”

“An idiot? So, you’re calling me an idiot for having yearned for you for all of these years while you deliberately ignored me? I’m an idiot for ignoring the advances of women of many different statures all for the sake of having Sarai Nazaire, the around the way girl, as my wife?” I nearly spit out the wine swirling around in my mouth onto the table in response to the manner in which he said my name. He’d said it like I was some damsel in distress who needed his rescuing.

“Are you blaming me for decisions that you made on your own accord? You chose to ignore those women. You could have done whatever you liked. Also, I wasn’t ignoring you. I had a lot going on and I wasn’t in a place to nurture a relationship.”

“But you were in enough of a place to be with Shamel?”

“I didn’t do much nurturing of that.” And neither did he. I tried. If no one will give me credit for it, I certainly will give it to myself. I tried to be a lot of things for that man but from his perspective I came up short in every category. There wasn’t a single aspect of me that he believed to be more than or even just enough for him.

“And even with our history, there isn’t anything about you and I that makes sense?”

“What history? Are you speaking of our friendship or the one time we slept together? I hope for the sake of us walking away from this table with somewhat of a decent connection to one another, that you’re speaking about our friendship.”

“I’m speaking about everything; everything that happened and everything that you resisted. You’ve never given me a chance.”

“What do you think I’m doing right now? Why do you think I’m sitting here? I’m trying to give you a chance and yet you’re sitting there propositioning me instead of courting me. Am I supposed to be flattered?”

“I am courting you. I want to court you. I’m not trying to jump into all of this as quickly as you assume. I’m simply letting you know my intentions. I don’t want to date you just for the sake of dating. I want us to work towards having a future together.”

“How can I feel good about hearing something like that when I know that it comes with a motive?” If he and I were to choose to move forward after this date tonight, I’d know that there may possibly be only a small portion of our union that has some authenticity to it.

I’ve never considered myself to be the hopeless romantic type of woman who idly sits around waiting for my prince charming to show up at my door in shining armor and sweep me off of my feet. I don’t even know what I want or need out of love. Far more than anything else, I believe that aspect of life is the most complex and it doesn’t seem to have the patience for me, and that’s alright I suppose because the feeling is sort of mutual.

Even in admitting that, I can’t fake it until we make it with Quinton. I’m not capable of smiling until my cheeks feel like they’re going to shatter, while I pageant wave at crowds of people as a figure within his enormous shadow. We’d eventually become something more corrupt than Watergate and more scandalous than Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. We’d unravel in a manner that this country has never seen a First Couple ever do before. He’s barely tolerating my resistance now, so imagine the reaction he’d have to it once his ego is unbearably and uncontrollably colossal.

“With the places that we’re at within our lives, everyone who we encounter that shows interest will have some sort of a motive.” I, too, have had thoughts that mirrored his. I’ve observed women toss out all of their integrity for a chance encounter with someone prominent and affluent enough to raise their stature within society.

I’ve had men offer to buy me a drink at bars just to be able to speak about their glory days as a high school athlete while noticeably slipping in desires that they believe I can help them with. There are family members who I’ve probably only spoken to once or twice since my birth who have given odd interviews to tabloids for a few bucks about aspects of my life they know nothing about. So, while his statement holds its truths, how can I ever live comfortably if I believe anyone who I encounter has it out for me?

“Well Mr. Politician, let that be so. I won’t applaud you because you’ve made your motive known, but I will politely decline your offer. You’re not a bad guy Quinton. You’re just not my guy. I don’t know who that is or where he’ll come from, but I’d rather wait a lifetime for a man that I’m going to actually have undeniable chemistry with rather than force something for the sake of political bliss. You’re asking me to sacrifice everything about who I am and what I stand for, for you. I’d never ask that of you or anyone else. As you said, there are women out here who would love to be on your arm. Stop turning them down and open yourself up to finding the one for you. Do that for yourself, because this is a cold world and I’d hate for you to have to lay next to someone at night who you don’t even love because you want to sit in the highest office in this country. It’s not worth it, at least for me it isn’t.”

While staring at him, I raised my arm to move one of my tight curls out of my face. Suddenly, my lips rose into a grin that quickly erupted into a giggle. The morning I woke up against Beckham’s chiseled chest with his arms tightly wrapped around my body, he joked about my hair being in his mouth at one point while we slept. As we lay there, he switched my name during every sentence that spilled from his rose toned lips. I was Diana Ross, Donna Summers, and Chaka Khan. He even joked that if I’m going to keep my hair like this, then I’d have to put on one of those bonnets that black mothers wear outside to embarrass their kids. I hadn’t laughed so hard since the last time we were together. It seems like all of my laughter comes from him being around him these days.

“You’ve made your choice. I guess I have to live with that.” He grabbed the bottle of wine off of the table and refilled his glass to the edges of the brim. He then tightly gulped it down while my eyes washed over the motion of his Adam’s apple. The tension radiating from his frame snatched what was left of my appetite. We certainly don’t have to bother with dessert.

“You’ll be living with a choice that’s what’s best for both you and I. You don’t want me. I’m sure if I allowed it, you’d climb into bed with me tonight, but anything more? It’s not realistic. I’ve never felt wanted by you and you’ve never felt that from me. We both deserve more. If you don’t believe so, then I do. I deserve someone who looks at me like I was born to be his. I’d prefer to be with a man who indisputably wants me and only me.”

“Well I hope you find that, Sarai.”

“I’m not looking for it. If it comes my way, then that’s amazing. If not, I’ll be alright.”

Silence fell between us and once again, my eyes were gazing out at the striking scenery surrounding the restaurant. As fucked up as it sounds, this would have been a beyond perfect date if that unknown man that I speak of were sitting across from me tonight. Instead of tension, there’d be flirtatious giggles and glances of affection. My heel clad feet would be intentionally grazing against his calves to entice him just as much as he’d be doing to me simply by existing.

While speaking, my ears would be listening to anything he chose to say while my eyes would be reading the clear message of him having every intention to have me gripping the sheets and crying out his name in our bedroom, within his. Not being able to take it anyone, we’d call for the check with half eaten plates in front of us and would waltz off into the night with a care or concern about anything or anyone other than one another. In a perfect world, that’s how things would be, but this world isn’t perfect and neither am I.

“Check please.” I guess he wants to get out of here just as bad as I do.

“Quinton, I’m going to go. I can cover this if you’d like.” I ruined his night. It’s the least that I can do, right?

“There’s no need for you to do that. You’re here by the way of my invitation. I have it under control. Enjoy the rest of your night.” Everything about his tone reeked of dismissiveness and yet I’m unbothered. I get it.

“I’ll see you around, okay? We usually catch one another at church from time to time.”

“I suppose so.”

Upon my arrival to the restaurant, we greeted one another with a huge hug and yet as I’m making my exit a few minutes short of an hour and a half later, I can feel his cold glare following my every move. I insisted that we meet here instead of allowing him to come and pick me up from my place. I’m not comfortable with too many people knowing where I rest my head at night. I know him well enough to know he’d surprisingly pop up at my door and that would easily leave a bad taste in my mouth, so I saved him the future embarrassment and myself the annoyance. With the way this evening ended, my driving here was clearly God being on my side.

Though the night was barely young, boredom coerced me into cruising around Brooklyn for the hell of it. It was my favorite past time in my hooptie Honda Civic during those summers when I’d be on break from college and had time to spare after putting in the necessary hours for whatever internship I was working for that particular summer. There’s something about it that makes me feel close to my father. I’d turn corners on familiar blocks and those great memories of the two of us taking this borough by a storm would come to the forefront of my thoughts. I’d remember the conversations we’d have with him endlessly dropping knowledge for me to carry with me on life’s journeys and the constant words of reassurance so that I’d always know how proud of me he was. We’d playfully debate about who is greater between Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson, why the Fresh Prince of Bel Air is better than the Cosby Show, and why Allen Iverson will never be my husband. In his neighborly manner, he’d speak to everyone sitting out on their porches and would even buy ice cream for whatever kids were outside if the Mister Softie truck was around. Though my mother would scold him for spending so carelessly, he did it anyway.

It’s cold now. The sidewalks don’t have girls jumping double-dutch, boys aren’t riding by on their bikes, nor are people sitting out on their porches scoping the scene and gossiping about what’s hot on the block. Those memories aren’t coming to me either. Instead, my mind is consumed with something or rather someone else. It’s funny how that works; do you call it a crush or infatuation? Interest or just simple attraction? I don’t know how to define it but this is the first time I’m learning just how out of control our emotions can be.

On the surface, you can put on a performance like you have it all together and absolutely nothing can faze you, but internally? There’s this train wreck on an endless loop. This doesn’t feel like a train wreck though. Instead, there are flutters within the core of my body. Chills trickle up my arms and onto the napes of my neck, and trigger goosebumps that linger around enough to unnerve me. My toes curl, chest tightens, and taking breaths becomes a task to focus on. My duties and concerns for those beyond myself now includes an additional person. How has it come to a point of me not wanting to fail him? How did I get here?

I don’t know how to navigate any of this. I’m a small fish taken out of a pond and thrown into an ocean of the unknown. What now? Do a swim and explore what may be one of the most beautiful experiences of my life? Do I stay right there in the one place I landed and resist learning or exploring everything out of fear? Do I hopelessly swim and end up getting viciously eaten up by something that is beyond me? Shamel was easy, frustrating as fuck, but easy nonetheless. Easy became toxic but in the midst of that, I never had to think this much. We just co-existed. I fear the expectations. I may not live up to the fantasy style of hype that circulates about me.

Just as Quinton had mentioned, I’m the cool around the way girl who can carry a conversation with the dudes probably even better than I can with the chicks. I’ve seen men on social media deem me to be the type of wife who can make the platter of hot wings and then come and flop down on the couch to watch the NBA Finals with my man. It’s possible, but I’m so much more than that. I have my baggage and bullshit with me too. Is that okay? When the make-up is off, my hair is up in the sloppiest ponytail ever, and a t-shirt three times my size with some socks and Nike slippers are covering my body, will I still be the fantasy? When I’m nagging about something that’s irritating me, having one of those days when I don’t want to be bothered with anyone or anything, or having some sort of a mood swing because Mother Nature is running her monthly course, will everything still be all good? I don’t know.

“Oh, fuck you Fantasia. Fuck you.” I’d been letting Apple Music do its thing by allowing my own playlists to flourish while I drive. Having the formatting on shuffle made the transition from Biggie’s “I Got A Story to Tell” to Fantasia’s “When I See You” completely catch me off guard. I’d quickly gone from being lost in my thoughts to listening to Fantasia sing them.

“Screw that.”

I switched to a playlist filled with the Best of The Bad Boy Records Era. I kept the sappy and moody vibe, with just the right amount of Hip-Hop added in for the drive back into Jersey. I saw my home in my rearview mirror as I slowly drove past it. Though I should have parked in my garage and called it a night, my hands remained attached to the steering wheel and my foot pressed on the gas to continue the journey to the person and place invading and conquering my every thought. In one of our many conversations we’ve had, we discussed how many cars he owns and all three of them were very much parked in their usual spots, but the additional cars were a warning that he had company in the house. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I knew that he did, and yet I’ve come here anyway.

I remained unnoticeably parked in his cobblestone driveway for minutes in an attempt to gather my thoughts. It feels like I’m the one who’s pursuing him nowadays. I’m the one in an odd chase.

Hey. Are you busy?

Seconds later, the bubble appeared at the bottom of the screen.

No. What’s up?

I’m not sure what vibe he’s giving. There’s something about that reply that seems short or rather standoffish.

I’m in your driveway.

And looking desperate as hell while at it.

Come in the house. I’ll have someone unlock the door.

I’d be uncomfortable and fearful of what could or would go behind the walls of his home. One innocent slip up with the wrong person could easily cause a world of trouble for me more so than him.

You think maybe you can come outside?

What am I thinking? The man is on crutches. That wouldn’t be fair.

Never mind. I know you have company and I don’t want to disrupt. I’ll just come by tomorrow.

It’s what I should have done in the first place.

Give me five minutes. I’ll come outside.

It was less than five minutes. Despite the crisp cold air, he crutched himself out of the door in a pair of Nike shorts and a hoodie. There was one Virgil Abloh designed Jordan I on his one foot and of course his protective boot on the other. I suppose the beanie hat covering his blonde curls is what is supposed to serve as his protective barrier from the chill. Once he opened up the passenger side door, he tossed his crutches into the back, and carefully slid into the front seat. For the sake of comforting his ankle, he used the side panel on the bottom of the seat to adjust it further back from the normal position it’s usually in.

“Sarai. What’s up?” He finally closed the door and I couldn’t be any more thankful. The fall air was beginning to win against the low heat I had going in the car.

“Nothing major. How are you?” His large hands reached up to readjust his hat as he responded with a shrug.

“Chillin’. Nothing major for me either. I went back home to Louisiana for a couple of days. That was cool.”

“That’s good. I’m sure it was good to get a change of scenery since the injury has had you so cooped up in the house.”

“Yeah, it was a nice little visit. I got to kick it with my brothers and my sister. We even did a family dinner and both my momma and my pops were there. That shit rarely happens these days, so, I’m pleased with how it all turned out.” 
“Did you visit LSU?”

“Not this time. I’m going to visit later on in the month. I’m designing an exclusive Air Force I with Nike and I plan on giving the whole team pairs. So, while I’m down there, I’ll probably kick it at a game.”

“That’s dope. I’m sure they’re going to appreciate that coming from you. Not only are you a hometown hero, but you’ve certainly cemented your legendary status within the LSU history books.”

“For sure. I care about giving back but in this case, I definitely care about inspiring those boys to know that I haven’t done anything that they aren’t capable of achieving.” His humbling spirit is a major part of the foundation that draws me to him. It exudes itself during any conversation he’s having.

“That’s real.”

For the first time since he sat inside of the car, our eyes met and he slowly panned his own down to assess every aspect of my frame. His lips flattened as he tightly pressed them together and with a slight nod, he turned his head forward just as it had been before.

“How was the date?”

Breathless; it’s how he left me. I opened my mouth to speak and whatever words I thought I mustered up to tell him instantly fell flat.

“You’re not wearing a dress like that to church.”

“It was thought provoking and extremely disappointing.”

“And that’s why you’re here?”

“No.”

“Then why are you here? Let me correct that before you assume. I’m not bothered by your presence. I’m anything but that. You’re just confusing. I spend a lot of time trying to figure you out and I feel like I understand some areas and I come up short in others. I’m just wondering if you’re here because things went badly with him.”

“I’m not here because of that. I already knew how things would go with him before I even went but I needed to, because he’s been in this weird state of limbo and has been filled with hope for years and I needed to know why. Now I know.”

“And that’s all it was?”

“That’s it.” It’s been years since I explained myself to a man. Shamel and I ended damn near four years ago and I despised explaining myself to him because I was made out to be a liar no matter what I said.

“So, you’re here now. Now what? We talk and you run depending upon the way the conversation goes? Or is this the official moment when you friend zone me?”

“Odell, I’m not friend zoning you.” A huff escaped my lips as my fingers trailed from the top of my head and through the curls cascading over my shoulders.

I couldn’t bear to look after him after blurting out what I’d been so afraid to say. Early on, I attempted to keep him as nothing more than a random figment within the professional realm of my life. That failed. I then chose to view him as an acquaintance I run into from time to time and that flopped before I could put it to the test. After spending all of those days in the hospital, the friend zone felt appropriate and as if it could be a success between he and I, but I’d been telling my mind a disastrous lie that my emotions refused to adapt to.  

“I just don’t know how any of this works. You say I’m confusing and I can be, but this is just as confusing.” I motioned between he and myself for emphasis.

“Well let’s figure it out.” The intensity of his glare silenced the mental clutter. The tone of his voice created a safe and comfort zone unlike any other.

The warmth of his palm met the top of my hand and I instantly flipped it over so our palms could meet. Our fingers laced, interlocking everything we weren’t saying and sealing a deal we’d yet to make.

As the faint music played, the clock grabbed my attention.

“I have something for you.”

“You have something for me? Like what?” His lips curved into that all too familiar smirk of his and his eyes blissfully gleamed. Rather than saying it, I exited the car and quickly made my way to the trunk. I’d been riding around with the box and garment bag in there for over a week and now I can finally cure my anxiousness.

“What’s that?” Again, I didn’t say anything as I leaned in from my side and passed them over so he’d be able to place them on his lap.

“Open the box first.” Once I closed the door, I turned the heat up just a notch more. I didn’t think fall would be hitting this hard. Usually the weather is all over the place, but this year, that shit seems to be no joke. We’re going to be brutalized with snow at the rate things are going.

“Okay.” Like a kid on Christmas, he rubbed his hands together in glee and quickly lifted the lid off. In an instant, he erupted into a booming fit of laughter. I had to join him, because it was so infectious.

I have decent friendship with Angelo Baque, who is more the former brand director of Supreme. We met two years ago at New York Fashion Week and we’ve remained in touch ever since. He even had me model in an ad campaign for the brand last year that was plastered all over New York City in anticipation for fashion week. So, though his Supreme days are behind him, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t in good standing with the brand. It ended up being fairly easy to have a custom Supreme x Louis Vuitton printed walking boot created for Odell.

“Sarai. This is fire.” He closely examined it with bits of giggles that eventually turned into laughter once again. It amused me just as much when I picked it up. It’s fashionably loud and just as gaudy as he can be sometimes. If he’s going to have to wear a big ol’ medical boot, why not make it something representative of himself?

“You like it?”

“Hell yeah. This is perfect. You already know that I sometimes get frustrated as hell when I look down at that boot and you just fixed that problem.”

“I know. That’s why I got it.”

“I love it. I love it so much.”

“I know you have so much of the collection in your possession already because I’ve seen it on your Instagram, but you don’t have this. It’s a sample piece that never made it into the collection. I asked your mom for your size and by a miracle, one of the two jackets of its kind can fit you.” I held the box to make it easier for him to unzip the garment bag and he pulled out the vivid red bomber style of jacket. Everything about it screamed his name when I laid my eyes on it and I had to have it for him, no matter what the price tag was for it. Luckily, it wasn’t as overly hefty as I thought it would be. It’s the perfect piece to pair with the walking boot. Just because he’s injured, doesn’t mean that he can’t be as on point as he usually is when he’s out and about.

“And I thought I had connects. Whew! This is crazy. And it’s a one of one? At least for me it is. I’ma have to stunt with this one. It’s only right.”

“I know a few people.”

“Shit, a few more than me. Sarai, this is amazing. You got me cheesing like a kid on Christmas right now.”

“I know.”

“Oh, so you know me huh?” Why did he have to bite his lip after such a question? My backside shifted in the seat as my thighs pressed together much tighter than they already were.

“I know some things.”

“I want you to know everything.” Our hands met again as I reached to turn the heat off. I didn’t need it anymore.

In an attempt to mask the fluttering radiating throughout my body, I slid further down into the seat.

“I’d like that.”

My eyes panned over to the clock once again. Just as I did, midnight was finally upon us.

“Happy Birthday Odell.”

All week long, I’d been contemplating how I’d go about acknowledging him on his day. I didn’t want it to be the typical call or an impersonal text message. It certainly wasn’t going to be some social media post with a long heartfelt caption like I’m sure he’s going to receive from many throughout the day. Since I’d be bearing gifts, I knew it needed to be done here, but the exact timeframe was a silent debate. Finally, I settled on coming right around this time.

“Thank you, baby.”

Like he’d been doing since he was finally able to trap me into his world at the Bleacher Report party, he leaned over to invade my space. As my head turned, his plush lips brushed mine in a fiery passion and demand. He took possession of all seven of my senses and shifted us into a place where only he and I exist. The warmth of his minty breath rid our space of any bit of cool air trickling into the car.

“Sarai.” He huskily whispered my name; savoring every syllable as if he’d never heard anything more beautiful. Our breaths mingled as his lips pressed into mine.

I would have thought after all of the footage I’ve watched, all of pictures I’ve looked over, and all of the time we’ve spent speaking that I’d know quite a bit about his lips because they’re certainly my favorite part of him to look at thus far, but absolutely nothing could prepare me for this. Nothing.

His tongue sensually brushed over both of my lips in a plea for entry and I granted it. The warmth of his tongue grazed mine and his arm wrapped around my waist and drew me closer in a ravenousness that could not be ignored. He awoken parts of me that have been ignored for nearly four years. I yearned for a type of touch that I haven’t been able to properly satisfy through my own store-bought measures. I’ve laid awake at night wondering how his kiss would feel and as he sucking on my bottom lip in a tease that is sure to send me to an early grave, my wonder didn’t have a chance of measuring up to what I’m feeling right now.

“Take me home with you.” My heart thrashed against my chest as I pulled my quivering bottom lip in-between my teeth. Dear, God.

“Not for anything more than just me spending time with you. That’s it.”

“You have company in your house. You can’t leave them.”

“Yes, I can and I am. Drive.” It wasn’t a request but rather an order.

He settled back into the seat and boldly pulled the passenger side seatbelt over his body and properly secured it. For the sake of my own comfort, he removed the box from my lap and placed it back onto his.

I gazed into his tempting dark chocolate eyes for just a minute to see if he’d change his mind, but he sat patiently waiting for me to make my move and so I did.

I slowly pulled around his driveway and drove off into the night.

[rising----above]

#1: a long, raw, overdue explanation of why you’re not alone

I’ve thought time and time again how to start this off. There are so many things I want to say—things I want people to understand.

One thing I’ve come to learn, through years of searching for an answer, is no one can really understand yourmind and it’s twisted, but ever so beautiful ways, but you, and even THAT is a battle.

But that doesn’t mean you’re in it alone.

This was a tough one for me. Constantly searching beyond myself for the answer, the cure, the secret to recovery that I so desperately told everyone I wanted when, shamefully, it was the one thing I feared most. So I looked for someone or something to give me the answer for this, whatever this even was. That wasn’t going to come. No one could save me, and I think I always knew that. I’ll explain:

For years, I put every ounce of my energy (which was minimal) toward hiding my eating disorder from everyone I knew. I’d lie about what I was doing during dinner, what I did or didn’t eat. I’d lie about how good I felt.

I didn’t feel good.

I even forgot what good could feel like. I was so wrapped up in putting on a face, that I soon convinced myself that this— this life altering disease, was who I was.

Not a minute went by where I wasn’t thinking about food; what I ate, what I was going to eat, when I would eat, what I would do to work it off, what other people were eating, what other people were doing, what other people were thinking. I spent my time creating these calculations and justifications in my head that if I took my first bite in exactly 7 minutes, I would allow myself another 5 minutes later. Then while eating that meal, I’d decide what time was appropriate to have my snack at night and when I’d have to finish this meal so it was ok. At one point, it would take me 2 hours to eat my nowhere-near-adequate meal for reasons I don’t wish to relive. Sounds invigorating, doesn’t it?

Now, my patterns will be entirely different than yours. My rigid routines were tailored to feed myICF (see explanation below). My eating disorder. My depression. My anxiety. My mood swings. But know this; I hear you. I understand what it’s like to feel swallowed and I can listen. I’ve got you.

And for that reason, you are never alone.

It’s hard to explain what it’s really like. I’ve been asked, but the best answer I can come up with is this, and I think anyone anywhere can relate to it:

Picture a little voice inside your head. Louder than your typical “devil on the shoulder,” but not so loud that reality begins to fade. That voice is your inner control freak, ICF for short. We all have her, our personal con artist, but how she manifests is what makes her unique.

She tries to perfect my life as she sees fit, and then doing everything in her power to hold on. What sucks about ICF? I created her. And you created yours, and because of that, ICF is powerful.

She knows everything about me. She knows how to make me believe lies, how to create fake, bullshit stories to convince me that I don’t need to eat lunch today. That I don’t need rest. That I can run that extra mile when my knees scream it’s enough. That I should stay in because my friends are going out to eat. That I don’t need friends. That no one understands. That I don’t deserve what’s out there beyond her control, because she knows best. It’s exhausting to fight her, so I succumb. I let her take the lead because it’s easy, comfortable and, dare I say, even safe.

I saw my ICF for the wicked witch that she is. And right now, saying all this, it’s ok with her. She thinks I won’t do anything about it. In fact, she knows I won’t because that’s how it’s been. Usually she’s right.

We are creatures of habit, so we often find comfort in keeping things as they are, with fear that change will bring unsteadiness and ultimately, discomfort. These obstacles, and the thoughts we create around them based off past experience, are what keep us in our tracks. Keep our ICF in charge. But to grow, we need to break out of these habits (whether healthy or unhealthy– habits aren’t all bad) and continue on the path we were born to pursue. It doesn’t matter if we’ve strayed from the path throughout our years here on earth. Who cares where you started! It’s where you are now and where you want to go. That push, that effort and that faith in what you are doing is often uncomfortable for the sole reason it’s not what we are used to. The idea of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is unfathomable for some.

That’s why when she has your control, it seems impossible to break. I let her define who I was through my eating disorder. She convinced me that without her, I’d be lost. Without her, I’d break into a million pieces. Without her, I was nothing. She let me think I was in control, so losing it was my biggest fear. I was in a trans. And once I finally saw it as a problem, it became even darker. She put up the fight of her life.

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I think it’s a little different. Once you realize you have a problem, it then becomes a battle between your wise mind and your eating disorder mind (or ICF for a better generalization). The constant back of forth of, “I’m tired I don’t want to work out” and “Get up you’re just lying to you self.” The “I’m absolutely starving I want to eat” versus “You can make it a couple more hours. Then maybe a couple more”. And worse, the “I don’t want to live like this anymore” against “You can’t change who you are.”

Nasty.

To me, that’s when it really starts. The second you jump into the arena and get ready for the challenge. The darkness really comes in at this point. When you start seeing how sadistic your ICF is and how she manifests within you.

At this point, I hadn’t slept in years; constantly weighed down by bricks on my chest, a tightness in my throat, the undeniable self-loathing powering over the small, small want to be free. My wise mind trying to peep her head in and say this is all wrong. This is not who I am. This is not who I want to be.

ICF is a strong mother fucker and she pushes my wise mind right back into her hole. ICF has to be the one in control at all times, so she uses all that she has to make sure you stay exactly where you are.

Here, my friends, is where you start to see your own strength. It comes in a weird way.

I never let myself feel. Ever.

Focusing on my eating disorder was way easier than facing the emotions I tried so hard to avoid. My eating disorder became, so I thought, my purpose in life. When I say my ICF is a conniving bitch, I mean she’s a conniving bitch. She found me at a time when I was lost; I had no idea who I was or what I could become. At a time I believed I had no reason for being here.

I was a scared girl who believed emotions were for the weak, or that simply I didn’t have them. So when they started brewing all those years ago, instead of facing them, I pushed them down so far that it woke up my ICF. This was her chance. And she roared.

4 years I let her reign.

I don’t find sharing the gruesome details of my restricting, purging, depression, anxiety... and so the list goes on, to be entirely helpful (however, if it will be to you, please reach out) but God, those were the hardest times of my life. The worst part? No one had any idea how bad it really was. No one knew how fucked up my ICF was and how brainwashed I was to her. Nor could I explain it. I’m still working on that part. Bear with me.  

Every day became a struggle. I remember one day in particular. I walked into my doctor’s office at PSU and the minute she saw me, I burst into tears. I told her how tired I was. My body, my mind, my spirit. I was broken. My ICF had finally torn me down, and I was exhausted living this way.

But I needed a wake-up call. I was the type of person who wouldn’t DARE ask for help. Venting felt unnatural. I was (and am!) the best listener there was and loved nothing more than helping people feel safe, comfortable and loved. I never got that back because I never let it. People tried, but I pushed. I diverted. I pretended things were ok when they weren’t. I was a master at masking and painting the face I wanted others to see. I could’ve fooled anyone, and I’m not proud of it.

Treatment wasn’t even an option. I can do it myself, I thought. And I did one time! I got my weight up, but that didn’t mean I was recovered. It was just another way for me to convince everyone I was ok. And honestly, no one thought to ask anymore. It went under the rug. That is until my weight went right back down. Old habits don’t just disappear.

So then it came; I fainted and landed myself a concussion. Boom. The wake-up call arrived, and it wasn’t pretty.

Admittedly, I was high, so it was easy to tell people I “greened out.” But this had happened to me a few years back, and now again for the same reason. I had eaten close to nothing that day but this time, I collapsed back onto my head.

I neglected my body for so long-- so damn long that to get my attention, it had to scream and shout and throw me in a hospital.

My friends saw it as a concussion. The people who knew of my ED saw it for what it really was. A relapse like no other. A relapse that was winning. It was time for change. It was time to stop trying to fool everyone. I could preach time and time again about living authentically, but what a fraud I was. I believed it true for everyone but myself, and I couldn’t live that way any longer. I had never been so scared.

With little choice, I finally broke down and joined a program and fuck, did that feel harder than the eating disorder itself. Why? It made no sense to me. Wasn’t I here to feel good?

In short yes, but what was happening, for one of the first times in my life, was I let myself truly FEEL. And I felt EVERYTHING. The good, the bad, the ugly. I felt it everywhere on body and each emotion weighed me down for what my mind took literally. I felt hopeful, hopeless, lost, found, depressed, joyful, anxious, calm, defeated, motivated, lonely, yet connected. It was overwhelming to say the least.

But god did I need it. While getting your physical health down pat is the first priority (without it, your brain functions malnourished and recovery is harder than it needs to be), the mental part is where the challenge comes in. This is where you ACTUALLY have to LISTEN to what fight goes on between your wise mind and eating disorder mind, or your ICF. Where you have to help pull your wise mind out of the hole. Where you have to abandon everything that has given you comfort, purpose and meaning for the last who knows how many years. Again, we are creatures of habit, and breaking one is not easy. This was a pretty big one.

What treatment showed me was that there is a life beyond whatever war my mind was fighting that day. It showed me the power of love, of support. The power of connection.

Human connection is the most incredible thing we can harness on this earth, and I lost it for a while. I’m happy to say I found it again, but in the last place I thought to look; within myself.

I started to see the world not as my worst enemy, but instead my biggest fan. I realized so much of my time was spent on my eating disorder that I believed she had all the answers.

I started to listen to the little voice, my voice, trying to push its way through my eating disorder mind. Pushing through my ICF and through the thoughts, the lies, the pain, the guilt, the blame, the torture. Through all of THAT, my voice, my wise mind, was still finding a way to push out from the layers of debilitating, self-loathing, incomprehensible bullshit I created to cloud all that I was, all that I am, and all that I desire to be. I felt (or rather, feel) so small when she is in control when I once felt so large. I felt powerless when I once felt on top of the world. I felt fearful when I once felt safe. And that’s where it gets fucked up. She creates those euphoric feelings to trap you into thinking this is what you need to be alive. She tells you that this is who you are. It’s better this way.

It’s how it all starts.

Thinking you run the show, to only find out there were these small, hidden strings attached to you all along. THIS ISN’T ME. I started to speak louder.  

In treatment, I got hit with this feeling of anger. A feeling of disgust with myself for doing this to my mind and my body. I damaged my vessel.I took parts from a whole and never put them back. How could I do this to the vehicle that carries me through life? That sparks my creativity? That allows me to connect, feel and grow with others? That gives me purpose? HOW?

Because I never believed I could have all those things.  

I asked this question time in and time out, dwelling on the why and the how. So fixated on what could’ve possibly started this vicious cycle, a question that has plagued me every minute I’ve lived with my eating disorder. I was convinced that the only way to recover or to live separate from her was to know why she came in the first place. I let the confusion take over, and it blocked my wise mind from rising.

Then, I let these feelings of anger surface. I even let them out and spoke with my peers. This was a huge step for me, and together we came to the conclusion that maybe I haven’t forgiven myself.

I made a mistake. It might be a little bigger than forgetting to turn the light off when leaving a room, but it is by no means permanent or irreversible. That’s why treatment exists. Because there is life beyond the disorder, but holding on will only keep you from reaching it.

That’s when it all came, but slowly. Here is how it happened:

1.    Maybe it’s not about understanding my eating disorder and where she came from, but instead a forgiveness for what I let her do.She is immensely complex. Craft-like, one might say. She wants me to become so fixated in understanding her and finding an answer because one doesn’t exist. It’s just another one of her traps! If I focus all my energy on unraveling the past and reliving all the bad, I’ll never let myself see the beauty right in front of me or the opportunities that lie ahead.

2.    I automatically assumed that the problem was I didn’t understand the root of my eating disorder. I’ve been studying the chakra system quite intensely. Not to get crazy detailed, but the root chakra, muladhara, is all about grounding and survival. Finding that foundation, or your roots, will give you stability and security to grow. A malfunction associated with a blocked or imbalanced root chakra is, by no coincidence, eating disorders. It makes a lot of sense; when you’re malnourished, your mind is everywhere at once, leaving you in a constant state of fatigue, incredible stress, constant insecurity and questioning of where your roots begin and who you are. Sometimes, you look to a higher power for the answers. Or try to focus on higher chakras to get this level of purity we all desire. But, without roots, even the smallest of winds will send you flying from the ground. I didn’t understand the root of my eating disorder. I had no idea where she came from. I thought this was my ungrounding. If I can understand, I’ll be free.

BULLSHIT.

3.    THE BOOM— MY EATING DISORDER IS NOT WHO I AM.Her roots are not my roots. We don’t share this. She is not me, I am not her, so what will knowing her roots– her motives, change? I still went through years of it, I still have anger I need to forgive, and I’m still here, right now, going through treatment to repair the years of harm I did, or let her do, on my mind and body. It changes nothing! It’s like when you take the garbage out. You don’t stop to look through everything that’s in the bag because you know its trash and it needs to go. I heard that at my yoga training and it stuck, I just didn’t know how to do it. What I do know? My eating disorder needs to fucking go. It’s time to learn what MY roots are. Who NINA is, not Nina with an eating disorder. Just Nina. The Nina who wants to come into her own and find the authenticity so desperately trying to fight its way out. The Nina who has a light that’s ready to shine.

To do this, I must forgive myself, and those around me, because there is no one person or thing to blame. No one forced to me throw my dinner up all those years ago. No one forced to me create the most complex system of when to and when not to eat. No one forced me to restrict until fainting. No one forced me to do any of this. And it’s time to let go of the desire to find it.

I’m not sure I ever knew what grounding really was, making me so vulnerable to her reign. What led up to that? Good luck finding it somewhere in the first 18 years of my life. It’s the needle in a haystack.

It’s a blessing, really. I get to start over in a sense— I get to reframe and redefine the way that I live and the foundation I want to build from.

She’s finally starting to get quieter.

Funny, it doesn’t sound like it’s got a whole lot to do with food now, right? Because it doesn’t.

We need food to survive, so with this, you can’t just take the ‘problem’ away. Instead, you have to mend your relationship with it. Much like mending the one with yourself. For me, it manifested this way because food was something I could control and something I love. Naturally, my ICF came swooping in and made her move. It was a clear way to get me to feel in control, to feel purposeful. Like I said, conniving little bitch that ICF of mine.

If you’re struggling tell yourself this: Food is not the enemy. Believe it.  

Do I wish I never had my eating disorder? Honestly, no.

I don’t know if I would’ve found my true passion if it wasn’t for my ED; and that’s my yoga. The practice quite literally saved me from the darkest year of my life.

Through it, I found I was put on this earth to make people smile. I was put here to spread a message of joy and lead people to be the best version of themselves possible. I just had to take care of myself first. Otherwise, how authentic could I really be?

My yoga training changed me. It made me feel vulnerable for all the right reasons. It made me feel strong, fulfilled, loved, connected--on top of the freaking world. I had found the direction I wanted to follow and got such a good taste of it that I craved more. More of the authenticity.

I had the tools, but I still needed to believe I deserved to use them. I started to pry open the wounds. I started to heal. I fell back, but I got up again. Life does that. The trick is not to stay down.

So now, I’m here, and everything is falling into place. I see the greatness and I’m going after it because I deserve it.

I do. I really do. I’m eternally grateful.

Let me be clear on one thing, the work is nowhere near done. I have coping strategies, I have my meditation practice, mantras, morning pages—I have a toolbox that I can dig into when things get hard, because there is no doubt it will. It ishard. But this time it’s different. This time, I’m committed. I’m so damn proud to say that. I’m on this journey and I’m loving where it’s taking me because I got clear. I see it, and I’m working to manifest it.

Our bodies are a gift. Food is a gift. This life is a gift. Do things for your body because you’re so in love with all it lets you do. Most importantly, stop letting society label what’s good and what’s bad because those terms are completely relatively, and only you know the answer. Trust your intuition when it’s talking to you. Don’t make it yell.  

Now, I let my body be. I let my mind be. For so long I was just trying to be the ____ est. The smartest, the skinniest, the fittest, the healthiest, the prettiest, the funniest, the wisest, the funnest, the coolest, the yoga-est. We all have the an -est we’re chasing.

And how tiring that is!

So many doors open the moment you stop holding yourself to this standard of physicality, or what society says you should be. Our appearance may be what initially draws attention, one may argue, but when it comes down to what reallymatters--human connection, energetic drawing, creating relationships… LOVE, looks can’t get you that. And that’s the shit that’s real.  

When appearance stops defining who you are and what you can do, things start to look a bit brighter. The clouds clear, the sun shines, the birds sing, people smile; you start to notice what’s been there all along. Joy.

The second you start focusing on yourself and doing you, and I mean really, truly doing you, your eyes open.

Vulnerability is the scariest thing in the world. Not because of what we can’t do, but because it just might bring out our truest potential. Why is that so scary? Because it could shake everything you’ve known; the stories you’ve told yourself will no longer serve you. They hid you from the truth and buried you further into shame. Today we say no more.

It could mean quitting the job you’ve had for years. It could mean flying across the world to try a famous dish. It could mean stepping away from the people you’ve always been by. It’s not all pretty, but when you start doing you, you start attracting what’s meant for you and shed what’s not. To me, that’s all we can ask for. Authenticity is sexy!!!!!!!

Lately, there have been major signs from the universe, or slaps in the face rather, for me to grow some balls and share. Things have been jumping out at me in ways that can only be synchronicity in the works. We’re all fighting or have fought battles of own. We are not alone, but until we rise above and come together, the stigma will reign and make us feel so.

Today, I am choosing to rise above. To share, connect, instill hope. Hope that things will get better, but also comfort that it doesn’t happen over-night. Hell, it doesn’t happen over a few months. This is a damn life’s work, and you are doing it. When you choose to jump into vulnerability head on, you embrace challenge and you face hardship. Coming into your own is not an easy process. Whoever says otherwise clearly hasn’t done it.

For the last few years, I’ve been wearing a mantra band that reads “Rise Above.” It’s been with me all along; to finally rise toward a place of clarity where the clouds can fog no more. Where judgements fade, shame dissolves and compassion leads.

Make the choice to live with love and go after it. Be courageous. It can bring joy like you’ve never experienced. Know you are worthy of that. Say it to yourself and fuel it here, right now. The world is handing you an invitation. It’s time to accept it. To change your thoughts is to change your life.

That’s the secret. Manifest whatever it is you want in life and really, really believe it with everything you’ve got. Ignore your ICF. She will silence. I promise.

Today, I rise above and I invite you all to join me. It’s okay to be scared. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.

I’m here on this blog because I want to do me. What the hell am I scared of? No more trying to be the _____ -est. Actually, just one. Realest. That’s what I’m trying to be. And what a ride it’s been so far.

Life is unpredictable and we don’t have a minute to waste living in a world without love. Without joy. To live with love isto live. It’s as simple as that.

I choose to live; for myself, for my family, for everyone doing all that they can with what they have because it’s enough. It’s enough to feel love, spread joy and express gratitude.

To those who stayed when I pushed, thank you. To those who have gone, thank you. To those who have come, thank you. To those who I’ve yet to meet, thank you. Each day I’m reminded how precious life is and how kind and giving the universe can be when you open yourself to receiving its gifts.

Open your eyes! See, feel, experience with all that you are and don’t for a second make yourself smaller for anyone or anything.  

Today I tell myself I am loved. Today is a good day. Remember that, and go make your debut. The world is waiting.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so grateful for this breath, body, mind and spirit. I’m grateful for yours, too.

And together, we rise above.

Sending the highest vibrations to you all,

Nina

1/27/2020