#BUT GOD HE WANTS IT | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

deathfavor · 2 years ago

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@yeonban said: With Seiroku's answers of before and today in tow, Soma seems to nearly vanish from the band. Or better said, he seems to be in so many different places that no one is quite sure where exactly he is at any given moment - almost everyone can attest to having seen him during the day (a rare feat outside of the yearly bushi festival, and even then he sometimes didn't attend it) but none did so for more than a few minutes at a time before completely losing sight of him and hearing, hours later, that he was sighted on the other side of the band. The places he's been sighted at vary not unlike the sky and the land, from the hustle and bustle of the band's inner city to several scenic spots he hasn't visited in years, and not even meeting Seiroku on his way to work has managed to hold Soma in place for longer than a minute or two, only really enough for a brief conversation and a kiss away from prying eyes. His nobles had tried and failed to keep track of him & bring him back to deal with the assigned paperwork (none of which is urgent, that much he's thoroughly checked beforehand), whereas his closest vassals had promptly recognized the signs of what their captain is attempting to do and sympathetically chose to keep the peskier of the bunch occupied as to allow Soma enough free time to accomplish what he's decided to.

The red soul seems to have taken the time out of his schedule to talk to only a certain few men, but upon further questioning no one has managed to pry out the topics they had talked about, merely that the subject seems to have brought a fond smile on Soma's conversation partners' faces. The reason behind their captain's odd stroll remains a mystery thus, and enough of one for the citizens to inquire around - before the incident is ultimately dropped come nightfall alongside Soma's presence in the city. No one has seen him in the past two hours (or at least no one's mentioned it to the others) yet Soma makes a point to find Seiroku on the doctor's way home from work, appearing more leisure in comparison to his hurried self from earlier in the day. ❛ Seiroku, do you have a moment? ❜ The question allows for a negative answer, but despite that, he appears to be, underneath the crafted composure, rather restless.

Unbeknownst to the majority, the castle has been flying towards a specific destination since early morning, having just now reached it. A hand grabs hold of Seiroku's wrist when he receives an affirmative answer, and once they're out of the city Soma's hand dives lower, taking proper hold of Seiroku's for the rest of the walk. Only when they arrive in front of the band's outer walls does Soma let go of the other's hand and securely wraps his arm around his waist instead, opting to use his kitetsuto to fly to the band's highest point before carefully letting go of Seiroku once he finds a safe spot for them to land on. In front of them lies the most wondrous sight of Miyagi: the 260 islands of Matsushima, brightly illuminated by the moon and beautifully complimented by the sea surrounding them as far as the eye could see. Even outside of the natural beauty, Seiroku had a penchant for water, didn't he?

Soma allows Seiroku to take in the sight for however long he pleases, focusing his attention on him rather than on the wonder of nature all the while. ❛ Seiroku. ❜ He eventually starts, when it looks like the doctor has taken in everything there is to notice about the destination Soma's rushed his retainers to head the castle towards not long after hearing Seiroku's replies to his vague queries. ❛ No one else will ever hold my heart the way you do. You've made me happier than I've ever been, and you're the only one I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. ❜ A hand reaches out for Seiroku's again, though Soma only raises it a bit higher and offers it a light squeeze before his free hand reaches inside his haori and pulls out a golden ring, one painstakingly finished today at the hands of the band's most renowned jewelers and created from the finest gold the Date have found in recent years, specifically for the man in front of him. As can be seen, Soma has thought about this for quite some time now, but only today has that process been finalized (he refused to purchase a third-rate, already existent ring, and so he'd had to wait for the custom one to be made - which had also granted him enough time to reconsider his decision several times, and to always arrive at the same conclusion).

❛ Will you do me the honor of marrying me? ❜ It's a question directly from the heart, and Soma's eyes gaze into Seiroku's while he waits to either place the ring on the other's finger or place it back inside his haori, depending on what answer he'll receive. The before from earlier meant before or after Seiroku's birthday, and the today spoke for itself. Soma openly chooses him over his clan's long-lasting traditions, yet there isn't a single shadow of doubt in the captain's eyes about it. It might not be the preferred course of action from a political standpoint, but that's fine, he can make up for that much through wit and hard work. He doesn't need the possibility of eventually gaining more land by resorting to an arranged marriage, not when the Date already owns plenty of it and he's certain he'll be able to gain more with enough effort. Seiroku is so much more important than any of that, and the red soul can't hope to replicate any of the happiness they've shared with each other with anyone else (nor does he want to try to). His life is bound to be complicated no matter who his spouse is, courtesy of the weighty title he bears and the burdens it brings along with it, so if Soma can have any say in it... he wants Seiroku to be it. To be the one he'll spend the rest of his life with, and who he'll share both his highs and lows with.

Quite frankly, Seiroku’s not confident if what he’s done is good or bad. But what is done is done, his answers have been given and then Soma practically disappears into thin air. Work calls, but even that does not seem to offer an escape. Not when people are chatting about seeing him here or there and that something must be going on, but know one seems to know anything substantial. Seiroku can’t help but listen though, making notes of places he’s heard people mention spotting him in passing but it’s never much. Even he had seen Soma for a brief moment, a sparrow kiss before the captain was off. At the time he had figured something important was going on. Now? Well, surely it must still be important in some way, but he can’t figure out what way. There’s no panic, no talk of an upcoming battle, nothing. Nothing but confusion and curiosity. Even with his notes of locations, it doesn’t add up to anything more than a list.

Seiroku knows when he’s fighting a losing battle, so eventually he decides to abandon any attempt of understanding what was happening and focus himself back on his work. That he understood, and that there was plenty of still even without fights. People got sick or managed to injure themselves (sometimes in very creative ways). So he works with the same professionalism that he always does, entertaining conversation and healing the wounded. At least until his shift comes to an end inevitably. Although the curious chaos from earlier seems to have faded away judging by the calmer tones to the night. “ Soma! “ Seiroku greets warmly when he sees Soma approaching him. “ I do. “ He confirms. I always do if its you.

Yet there’s something, something that makes him feel a tiny trace of apprehension in a way he hasn’t felt for so long. He knows how to hide that, to simply offer a quizzical glance but allows himself to be led by the wrist with ease. He follows curiously, unable to help trying to note their path if it correlates to earlier information but that was rather swiftly abandoned once again. Instead he enjoys the warmth of Soma’s hand when their hands find each other again. He’s always warm, comforting. It’s rather silly how much he enjoys simply holding Soma’s hand. But he does, he craves the softness it brings. Even when it’s gone in favor of holding his waist when Soma whisks them away to a new location, he enjoys the simplicity of comfort that Soma’s presence is. That’s his focus until he’s set down and looks around, unable to help the sharp inhale. “ Soma... This is...This... “ He breathes, blue eyes wide with delight, enough so the words elude him but the intention is clear.

It’s gorgeous. He can’t help himself when his eyes widen and he drinks in the sight, a single step taken forwards as if it’ll help him absorb it all. The world seems to glow in the moon’s silver light, islands like studded gems against the rippling fabric of water. He’d forgotten. He’d forgotten just how stunning the world could be. It wasn’t that he’d ever hated the world. He hadn’t. Some o the things in it, but not the world itself. He still found spots he loved, places he enjoyed, and even when so much of him had died, the affinity for water had never left. But it had been so long since he’d truly been stunned by the beauty of this world. An unconscious smile creeps up to his lips, torn between the diamond studded night sky and silk waves of the ocean. His chest relaxes, suppressed unease forgotten.

“ Mm? “ Seiroku tears his eyes away from the scenery to turn towards Soma with a bright smile, shrouded in the fabric of moonlight around him. He smiles...and then it feels like he’s being stabbed. Soma isn’t about to do what he thinks he is, is he? His throat tightens and all he can manage is to gently squeeze Soma’s hand in turn as he watches. He almost feels sick seeing the gold ring that Soma pulls out, so beautiful and knowing Soma, he knows so efforts have been spared for it. Nothing short of perfection would do. It sits there in Soma’s hand as beautiful as this dream he’s living is.

In another life, he would have been thrilled at all of this. Suddenly everything from the day’s chaos would suddenly make sense and he would feel warm and loved. The warmth in his chest would outshine the sun. Maybe in a kinder future he’d throw his arms around Soma and kiss him between nervous, happy laughter. He’d be overwhelmed with joy. Instead, Seiroku feels sick. Even as his expression looks soft and surprised, betraying nothing of the despair that suddenly stabs him through the chest, he feels sick. Disgustingly, appallingly, sick. He doesn’t deserve this. His legs stand strong but it feels like they want to collapse. He wants to tear himself apart in violent self-loathing. Like self-destruction will atone for what he’s done, like a sacrifice. He wants to bare every ugly secret and lie, every terrible sin, he wants to admit to everything and then show how much he loves Soma even then. How much he cares when he shouldn’t. That even if Soma hates him, he will still love him. He wants to destroy himself and lay every piece at Soma’s feet and let him destroy him if he wants. He wants to tear out the heart he no longer has and let Soma do whatever he wants with it. He deserves nothing but the cruelest actions. If Soma wants to kill him, he’d let him without a fight.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Soma. He feels strangled in a barb-wire noose of his own making. His eyes shift from the ring to Soma’s face. Are you sure? The question rests on his tongue, but he knows even BEFORE he looks up at his love what his answer would be. Soma wasn’t rash, he didn’t charge into things without thinking about them. Much less something as major as marriage when it was hardly the most desirable one to begin with. Of course Soma’s thought about it. Likely for hours, days, maybe weeks. When soft, surprised eyes find Soma’s, the answer is clear. Soma looks so certain of himself, and it kills Seiroku. He can’t say no but it feels monstrously cruel to say yes.

Soma....You’ve really doomed us now. It is a mournful thought of despair that he hears in sobs from his own mind when he chokes on unshared tears and pain. Soma doesn’t know anything. To him this is a sweet, wonderful, if terrifying moment. He thinks that future they both want is possible. He has no idea the self-destructive torture that this is for Seiroku. Soma doesn’t deserve this. Soma deserves something so much better than this doomed tragedy. I’m so sorry. I wish this was a fairytale for you. I wish this wasn’t doomed from the start. I wish I could give you that happiness for real. I wish we could really have that happy ending that you’re dreaming about. I want that. I want that more than you’ll ever understand. Abruptly his vision grows blurry, and he feels a tear form and fall from his lashes. Happy tears are a normal thing, he’s seen them before. But when was the last time Seiroku had actually cried? He can’t recall. Not just the watery eyes Soma had seen, but tears that fell unrestrained. Back when he still had hope. Before he became one of the obsidian eight surely. Hope...Forgiveness with teeth, a sweet poison, something kind in its cruelty. Soma’s given Seiroku hope again, he’s given him dreams and kindness and love, he’s made him human again and now he suffers. And even in the agony? Even in the agony, he wouldn’t trade it for anything. Not a single thing.

In reality, it’s barely been a few seconds. But it feels like eternity as Seiroku uses his free hand to try to wipe at the tears of love and despair. His tears and speechlessness aren’t something to be alarmed about, it’s NOT uncommon to happen in proposals where emotions were real. Either way they were doomed with either answer. But with the ring...Even when tragedy came, he could still have proof. He could still wear it and keep it close, hidden on a chain over his heart. Whatever his heart was, it was long since Soma’s. He didn’t care about the gold or the details, Soma could have given him the cheapest thing available and Seiroku would treat it as a priceless relic. It wasn’t how it looked, it was what is symbolized. And it wasn’t like they were getting married here and now. It was a promise for a future.

A future that would never come. A future they could never have, nor anyone in this world. Not with the plan in place; not with Seiroku’s long held decision he would not stay after its success.

Seiroku nods, once, and then nods again, firmer as he struggles to find his voice. “ Yes. “ He’s never felt more like a monster. Slaughtering bushi, helping oni? He’d never felt anything. But here? He’s feeding a dream that they can’t have. So there’s a simple promise tucked into this yes. He’ll tell Soma. He’ll tell Soma everything before he has to go. “ Yes, I will. “ He whispers, not trusting his voice to not shatter even as he smiles at Soma.

Just....let them be happy a while longer. The world owed them that, didn’t it? If not him, it owed Soma that. Just a while longer. Please.

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