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daydreamtofiction · 2 years ago

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Thou Shalt Not Covet // 3: Faith

Contents | Part 2 | First Person Version [AO3]

Summary: (Priest!Benedict x Fem Reader) After a less than ideal morning, you find the lines in your relationship with the priest continuing to blur.

Word Count: 4.2K

Warnings: Strong language, irreverence, dark humour, adult & sexual themes, unhappy relationships, emotional infidelity, drug paraphernalia. Readers must be 18+

There were voices in the kitchen; laughter, conversation, the sound of cutlery on plates, the smell of coffee drifting down the hall.

You wished you were a morning person, that you possessed the will to drag yourself out of bed early enough to join your housemates at the breakfast table, to eat toast and gossip before work like those people do on Friends. But you were nothing like the people on Friends - not unless Jennifer Aniston secretly rolled out of bed after snoozing her alarm four times too.

You'd made your way downstairs, sitting on the last step to put your boots on as you listened to the noise coming from the kitchen. The door creaked open soon after - making everything louder, clearer - followed by the sound of your housemate Sean walking into the hall.

"You're gonna make me late for work, Gee," he said with a slight laugh. "Yeah, whatever, bye!"

He let the door swing closed and walked down the hall towards the front door, passing you as you sat on the stairs tying your laces.

"Bye, Sean," you said.

"Jesus fuck!"

You watched as he practically leapt off the ground in fright, turning and looking down at you with wide eyes, clutching his chest and breathing heavily.

"You scared the shit out of me," he said.

"Sorry."

He sighed, calming himself and grabbing his car keys off the hook on the wall. "I swear you do it on purpose."

"I was just saying goodbye..."

"Yeah, like a little ghost girl all tucked away in a dark corner."

You rolled your eyes, returning your attention to your boots.

He opened the front door, stopping and turning back to you before stepping out. "Your boyfriend's a knob by the way."

"Yeah I know- Wait, why? What's he done now?"

"Let me down for those photos he said he'd do." He let all his weight rest on one leg, placing a hand on his hip in obvious frustration. "My clients rang me last night, fuming, saying the photographer I'd sent to take pictures of their house never showed up. The wife waited in for him apparently, closed her shop for the whole day and he never even called to say he wasn't coming. So they've decided to go with Goldberg's instead. Fucking Goldberg's."

"Isn't that the estate agents' next door to yours?"

"Yep. So that's why your boyfriend's a knob. Because I went out of my way to get him work, and he repaid me by losing a £1.2million house sale to the rival agents next door."

You stood up, pressing your lips together and exhaling through your nose. "I'll talk to him."

"Please do." He gestured towards the kitchen. "Because I just almost throttled him when he told me it 'wasn't a big deal' and he 'thought he could swing by and snap the pics any time'."

Sean's impression of Alfie was always spot on; somehow perfectly capturing his tone, his mannerisms, the nonchalance that teetered between charming and infuriating. It made you breathe out a slight laugh, partly because of the accuracy of his imitation. But mostly in resignation, like you weren't even surprised he'd been let down at all.

He walked out and closed the front door behind him, leaving you standing alone in the middle of the hall chewing the inside of your cheek. You let out a huff, shaking your shoulders and rolling your neck to relieve the tension that had stashed itself there, before grabbing your coat from the cupboard and shrugging it on.

You stuffed a hand inside your pocket as you pushed through the door to the kitchen, furrowing your brow as your fingers made contact with something small and metallic inside.

"Oh, good morning!" said Gina as she stood with her elbows resting on the breakfast bar.

"Morning," said Alfie, kissing you on the side of the head as he walked past you, sitting down at the bar with a bowl of cereal.

You pulled out the small metallic thing, looking down at a Zippo lighter sitting in the palm of your hand. It was heavy, gunmetal, flowers and a fancy 'G' engraved on the side.

"Gina can you please stop wearing my coat?" you said with an exasperated sigh.

"Sorry," she replied distractedly, like she wasn't actually sorry at all. "It just looked good with the outfit I had on."

You lifted the collar to your nose, taking in a slight smell of cigarettes, a perfume that wasn't yours, and grimaced to yourself.

"Anyway, I thought you wouldn't mind so much," she continued. "Since I let you off with paying your rent late again this month."

You rolled your eyes and slipped the lighter back in your pocket before making your way over to the kettle.

It was Gina's house. In more ways than one. While it was quite literally her house - a gift from her wealthy, property tycoon father, a place for her to live freely while charging cheap rent to a few friends - it was also her leverage, her way of getting away with whatever she wanted; playing loud music, having loud sex, decorating without consulting anyone, borrowing your clothes without asking.

She'd been your best friend once, and if anyone were to ask, you'd probably say she still was. You admired her; envied her confidence, appreciated her candor. But truthfully, you couldn't remember the last time you'd walked away from an interaction with her without having to unclench your jaw.

"I made too much smoothie if you want some," she said. "It's still in the blender."

"No thanks," you replied as you poured boiling water over the instant coffee in your travel mug. "I'm running late, got to head straight off."

"Running late? You're volunteering, can't you just show up whenever you want?"

You turned around, leaning back against the counter. "Doesn't really work like that, Gee."

You still weren't sure why you told them you were volunteering at the church; why you hadn't said it was a work thing, or maybe just not told them where you'd been going at all.

"Mm," Alfie mumbled, turning to you as he swallowed a mouthful of cereal. "I forgot, I'm not going to be able to pick you up later."

"What? Wh- But you promised. You promised I wouldn't have to get the bus home."

"Yeah I know, sorry. There's been a last minute change of-"

"It's my fault," Gina interrupted, placing a hand on her chest apologetically. "I asked if he could drive me to pick up some furniture from an online seller across town. It's gorgeous stuff, goes so well with the new living room decor. And well, I can't exactly lug it all the way back on foot."

Your eyes moved between the two of them, entirely unamused.

"I thought you wouldn't mind," she continued. "Since we'll all get use out of it."

"I don't sit in the living room. Ever."

"Well maybe you will once we have a nice new chaise lounge."

You blinked a few times, lips parted in stunned silence, before turning your attention to Alfie. "So is this your new thing or something? Letting people down?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" he replied defensively.

"Me, Sean..."

"Oh fuck sake." He rolled his eyes and stood up, obviously still wound up by whatever Sean had said to him. "Tell you what then, Ellis, why don't you and Sean just go and throw an 'I hate Alfie' party-"

"Oh I would, but I doubt I'd make it back in time," you began, raising your voice as he marched out of the room. "Y'know, since I'm having to get the fucking bus home!"

He slammed the door behind him and the kitchen fell silent. You crossed your arms over your chest and let out a huff, your eyes flitting across the room to Gina as she sat down on Alfie's barstool.

"Why don't you just skip today?" she asked.

"Because I don't want to. I shouldn't have to." You shrugged. "I've... been enjoying it."

"But it's church," she laughed. "Honestly, Ellis, I don't think I've ever seen a non-religious person so enthusiastic about going to church in my whole life."

"Well... it's not just about religion. It's about... community and... and..."

"Yeah but you've been going a lot."

"So?"

"Is the priest fit or something?" she asked jokingly. "Because that's the only reason you'd catch me spending all my free time there-" She stopped suddenly, letting out an exaggerated gasp. "Oh my god, that's it, isn't it. You're fucking a priest."

"Ha ha," you replied sarcastically.

"Don't worry, I won't tell Alfie," she continued to tease.

"I'm not sleeping with the bloody priest."

It came out slightly more defensive than you'd meant it to. But she didn't seem to notice.

"Maybe you should. There's actually something quite hot about that, don't you think? Very erotic novel."

You turned around and grabbed your travel mug, screwing on the lid as she continued to talk.

"Imagine it: dirty talk in the confessional booth, wrists bound with rosaries, sunlight shining through stained glass onto your naked bodies, legs spread on the altar- Do you reckon he'd say grace before he ate you out?"

You snapped back around. "Gina."

"Oh I'm just taking the piss," she said, chuckling to herself. "You know I get carried away."

"Yeah well you've stolen my lift home so I'm not really in the mood."

"Sorry," she said sincerely, pushing out her bottom lip slightly.

You stayed quiet for a moment, just looking at her, watching her fingers slip into the handle of her mug, the way she flicked her hair off her shoulder before taking a sip.

She'd begun to stare off into space, eyes glossy, head cocked slightly to one side. And you wondered if she was still picturing it, still imagining you with whatever version of Father Benedict she'd created in her head. Or maybe she'd replaced you in her fantasy completely, so now it was just Gina and some random man in a clergy collar going at it on the altar of a church.

It was like you'd become a permanent fixture; as everlasting within the walls of the chapel as the tapestries and statues that adorned its walls. You'd been attending services and events within the parish for the past few weeks, swearing after each one that it would be the last, that you were going to put a stop to it. But somehow you always came back, like you were drawn to Father Benedict, like he was a drug you kept promising to quit.

You would always sit in the back row of the pews, eyes fixed on him as he spoke, his deep, resonant voice echoing against the tall ceilings. Sometimes you would really listen to what he was preaching, even find it interesting, thought provoking. But most of the time you were just waiting for it to end, practicing in your head what you were going to say to him after it was over.

Today was the first baptism service you'd ever witnessed, and you found it equally as fascinating as you did disconcerting, especially when one baby began to scream as the holy water touched its skin and the music from The Omen started playing in your head. You watched as Father Benedict carried out the service, admiring how charming and charismatic he was, how he managed to put the families at ease, make little jokes that created soft ripples of laughter through the chapel.

When he moved on to deliver his sermon, you found yourself catching his attention every so often; exchanging glances with him, subtle smiles, making him lose his place and stumble slightly over his words. It was as though every time he noticed you sitting in that back row, he was relieved to see you there. Maybe because he thought he was helping you on your journey, that his guidance was making it easier for you to return to the church. Or maybe it was because he enjoyed your company, perhaps even longed for it when he lay alone at night.

You were doing it again, letting your mind drift to those less-than-holy places where his voice didn't echo against a chapel ceiling, but instead groaned directly into your ear. Where those fingers that so delicately clasped together in prayer came apart to slip beneath the fabric of your clothes. You felt flustered, taking a deep breath and blowing it out slowly as you crossed one leg over the other, trying desperately to quell the growing ache between them.

"So just a few things to end on," said Father Benedict, rubbing his hands together excitedly. "We have our St Augustine's Primary children coming in with their parents next week for mass as they prepare for their first Holy Communion. I'm sure we'll all make them feel very welcome. Secondly, I've had a few members of the parish ask if we still have any dates available for weddings this year, and the answer to that is yes! We actually have quite a lot of availability so come talk to us about it, I would love to marry you all. Well, not marry you all. I mean marry- perform your marriage ceremonies." He paused. "I'm sure you're all lovely but I doubt we'd all fit under one marital roof."

A laugh rumbled through the chapel. You giggled too, relaxing back into your seat as he finished the rest of his announcement.

You waited patiently for the crowd to disperse, even exchanging smiles and muttering a quiet congratulations to the Omen baby's parents as they made their way out. But when you saw June walking in your direction with the donations tray, as usual you began to panic. It was as if she did it on purpose; enjoyed watching you fumble and scrape together whatever spare change you could find as she ominously shuffled towards you.

You shoved your hands into the pockets of your coat, brows coming together in confusion as you pulled out a rolled up £20 note that, like everything else in your coat, must have belonged to Gina.

You unrolled the note and looked up at June, before shrugging your shoulders and throwing it into the tray.

"How generous," she said plainly. "Funny how it's curled up like that."

You glanced into the tray, noticing how the note had rolled itself back up like a cigarette. Your mouth immediately pressed into a straight line as you realised what Gina must have been using it for.

"Yeah, weird," you said with an awkward laugh, glancing past her towards Father Benedict. "Sorry, excuse me."

You'd noticed an opening; a rare moment where he stood alone, unengaged by members of his congregation. You stood up quickly, rushing down the aisle towards him and tapping him on the shoulder.

"I think I just donated a coke-soiled bank note to your church," you whispered.

"You what?" he whispered back, brows furrowed, nose scrunched in confusion.

"It wasn't mine," you said, as if that made it any better.

He paused for a moment, shaking his head as he stared at you, the corner of his mouth raising with a mystified smile. "Lovely to see you, as always, Ellis."

You exhaled a soft laugh through your nose and began to eye him slowly, your gaze trailing over his face, lips, neck, chest, hands- It took a moment for you to realise what you were doing; the blatant ogling, how you were practically drinking in the sight of him, even in his long white alb and fancy patterned stole.

You snapped your eyes back up to his face and cleared your throat. "Anyway, I was about to head off," you said. "But I thought I'd ask first if there's anything I can help with...?"

That was a lie. You had no intentions of heading off, not if there was even the smallest chance of spending some extra time with him.

"No, not today," he said, before holding up his index finger like a thought had struck him. "But you did just remind me, I had a favour to ask you."

"A favour?"

He looked around the emptying chapel before gesturing for you to walk with him. You obliged, following him down a back hallway and into what you assumed was his office. It was a small room with only one narrow window on the far wall, letting in just a sliver of light to illuminate the cluttered space. There was a desk, a half-filled bookcase, and a small two-seater couch covered in boxes from his move.

He rushed over and picked them up, putting them in the corner of the room and dusting off the couch with his hand. "Have a seat," he said. "Sorry about the state of in here. I promise once I finish settling in at the rectory, I'll sort this place out too."

"it's fine," you said with a shrug as you sat down. "The favour isn't for me to clean up in here, is it?"

"Hm? Oh, no. No, of course not," he replied with a laugh, continuing to speak as he began to remove his long white robes, revealing a plain black shirt and trousers underneath. "Actually it's er- Well a friend of mine, her name's Catherine, she's about to open a bakery back in the parish I used to work in before I- well..."

"Had a crisis of faith."

"Yeah that one. Anyway, she's having a grand opening sort of thing this Wednesday and she wants to try and fill the place out with as many people as she can, y'know? So I wondered if... maybe you wouldn't mind coming? With me?"

Not a date, you began to tell yourself immediately, as if trying to extinguish the sparks of hope and delusion before they even had a chance to catch light. You also have a boyfriend, your mind added. A fact you were beginning to resent more than you valued.

"I just don't fancy going on my own," he continued. "And quite honestly, I enjoy your company."

You could feel a grin fighting to spread across your face, but you held it back. "Thanks," you said coolly. "I'll erm, I'll have to check I'm not working. But if not, I'd- yeah. I'll go."

"Great. Thank you." He paused, thinking for a moment. "I don't think I've ever asked you what you do for a living..."

"Baby photography," you replied bluntly.

"Baby photography..."

"Well, I work at a studio that specialises in it. But I don't take the pictures, I just edit them."

"Ah." He nodded, an eyebrow raised with intrigue. "Do you enjoy it?"

"Not really. I find the whole thing creepy, to be honest."

"Creepy?"

"Well yeah, these little fleshy things all folded up and posed while they sleep, dressed up in silly costumes and lay inside wheelbarrows and wicker baskets." You shuddered. "No human being should be small enough to fit inside a flower pot."

Amusement crept across his face, the unmistakeable smirk whenever you'd been unintentionally funny.

"Today must have been hell for you then," he teased. "Church full of babies."

You laughed softly. "I'd rather a church full of babies than be stuck at home."

"How come?"

"Oh, nothing." You waved your hand dismissively, like you were trying to sound unbothered. But the rest of your body seemed to give you away; chest deflating, shoulders sinking in on themselves, eyes falling to the floor.

"You know," he began, sitting down behind the desk. "I am your priest. If you're having troubles or concerns or you just need someone to confide in, that's what I'm here for..."

You glared across at him, almost annoyed with how easily he was able to draw things from you, before letting out a long sigh. "I don't know what to do about... someone."

He placed his hands on the table, clasping them together in front of himself as he leaned in to listen. "Go ahead."

"I- I wonder sometimes if I'm…" you trailed off, letting out an uncomfortable laugh and gesturing to where you were both sitting. "You know what, I can't do this. It feels like I'm in fucking therapy or something."

His eyes flitted between his desk and the couch. "Would it help if I came and sat next to you instead?"

You nodded. "Yeah, maybe. I don't know."

He stood up and made his way across the room, sitting down in the space at your side. You were twiddling your fingers, biting your lip in thought as you felt his body shift, twisting slightly to face you.

"Do you give relationship advice?" you asked without looking up.

He paused. "It depends. But I'll certainly try."

"Okay. Boyfriend of three years," you said quickly, like ripping off a plaster; finally saying out loud the thing you'd been dreading admitting. "He's a photographer - a good one, went to uni for it and all that - it's how we met-"

"At the creepy baby studio."

"Yep." You cleared your throat. "He doesn't work there anymore. Doesn't work anywhere, actually. Because he's unreliable. And he doesn't seem to care that he's unreliable, either. He lets people down and it's their problem for getting upset, he's unsupportive, he doesn't listen- like, for instance: I don't feel safe getting the bus after dark anymore since someone tried to follow me home a few weeks ago and-"

"You were followed?" His back straightened, brows coming together over concerned eyes. "By who? Were you okay? Did they hurt you?"

"No, I'm fine, really. But the point is I told him I didn't feel safe and he still decided not to come and pick me up today. Let me down at the very last minute and left me to get the bus like he didn't even care." You took a sharp inhale, turning your body towards him, like the floodgates had opened and you suddenly couldn't stop it all from spilling out. "Three years and we still rent separate rooms in the same house, staying over in each other's bedrooms like bloody teenagers. It's embarrassing. And I've talked to him about getting a place together but it's like he's not interested."

He took a breath like he was about to speak, but you carried on before he could utter a word.

"Really, it's like he's not interested in anything anymore. He doesn't make an effort, ignores me when I talk, doesn't even pretend to care about what's going on in my life. It's as if he's gotten so used to having me around that he doesn't even see me anymore. Like he can't fathom the idea that I actually exist outside of the bed he fucks me in." You paused, grimacing to yourself. "Sorry."

"It's okay," he replied, breathing out a sympathetic laugh. "Not the first time you've mentioned the disappointing sex life."

"Oh god, I forgot about that." You closed your eyes and pinched the bridge of your nose between finger and thumb. "There's- It's just- There's no excitement, y'know, no heat, no... tension. When I really actually think about it, I'm not sure I'm even attracted to him anymore. So many things I used to find endearing or charming or sexy just completely turn me off." You groaned. "I don't know what to do. I'm clearly not happy. But I'm scared. Scared I'd miss him, scared I'd hurt him, even though he doesn't seem to give a fuck about hurting me. But then I wonder if this is all because of me. After all, he's not the one-" you stopped yourself, trapping the words behind tightly pressed lips.

"Not the one...?" he caught your eye, waiting for you to finish.

He's not the one fantasising about sleeping with someone else.

"He's not the one moaning about the relationship," you said. "I am."

"You're allowed to vent."

"I'm not just venting, I'm asking what you think."

He pressed his tongue to the corner of his mouth, looking down at his hands for a moment, then back up to you.

"As a man of God, I would tell you to have faith. To honour the commitment you made to him and try to work through your difficulties." He paused. "As a man of... well, as just a man, I would tell you he sounds like a twat."

An unexpected laugh escaped your throat, making you cough slightly to compose yourself.

"He never used to be," you said. "I think because I liked him so much when we first got together and I spent so long pining after him before he even noticed me, I've been ignoring the fact that if I met him now, I probably wouldn't be interested. I suppose I feel like I'd be doing my past self a disservice by walking away from the man she wanted so badly."

"You're blinded by the fact that the relationship didn't start out this way."

"Mm." You fell silent, your eyes glazing over in thought. "I'm just a frog," you eventually said.

"Sorry?"

"You know how they say if you put a frog in cold water and slowly bring it to a boil it won't jump out, because it won't notice the rising heat? I'm the frog."

"Ah. See how things make much more sense when you give them context?"

You nodded with a giggle, falling silent once again as he watched you quietly, patiently, like he wanted to know every thought passing through your mind, but knew he wasn't entitled to it.

"I'm sure the frog thing's a myth, y'know," he said.

"Is it?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty certain they definitely try to escape the pot."

"Oh."

Part 4: Sacrilege

Tags: @evelynrosestuff @thealleydog @lexlexigogh @allie131313 @simpingbestie @ironstrange1991 @witchoftheages @queerbee8 @swds @jyessaminereads

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mental-mario · 11 months ago

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Sibling Rivalry, Favoritism, and Multiplayer

Hey all, it's been an upsetting week for me, not gonna lie. I'm gonna skip the spiel and just get into it, so I'll just say that if you can relate then please Like and Follow and be sure to tip your struggling blogger. Also I'm lonely and need friends, so send me a request on Switch and message me on here as well! My mental issues make it difficult for me to sustain friendships, but I'd love a pen pal or 10k of them!

I'll be opening up more about things as I get more comfortable with this whole self-awareness and vulnerability thing, so subscribe and bear with me, but let's just say for now as a quick background that my mother is a narcissist, my dad is the flying monkey, my brother is the golden boy, and he married a conniving narcissist as well, so as to continue the cycle of abuse to his two kids. I am the damaged scapegoat who is trying to navigate away to healthier dynamics for my spouse and kids. I'm currently no-contact with my brother and his family as well as my mother and any relatives whatsoever. I do meet up with my dad occasionally for pancakes, but it is very much about sticking heads in the sand and pretending like we aren't estranged. I was no-contact with him as well until my wife informed him I was in the psych ward a couple months ago. I'm willing to answer questions as we go...

Anyway, he recently sent me $500 since I finally got up the nerve to put my pride and ego aside and outright ask him for help; something that has been instilled as a big source of shame for me to ever do because my mom especially would verbally berate me about how incompetent I am and how I would die alone and unwanted. Anyways, I digress, you may be asking what I would have to complain about? While I am thankful for any help I can get, let's just say $500 is chump change when it comes to my parents. They have money that I have been long since cut off from but that my brother and his family still very much access unabashedly, at the age of 32. I am 38. Also important to note is that he works a lucrative career where he has been able to make similar or better money as me over the past decade. The difference has been that my wife and I have been smart and careful with our money, while they have spent it recklessly. I always tend to leave out background details inadvertently, so I'm trying to recall as much as I can so as to not sound like unjustified soured grapes.

After years of no contact, our wives started communicating again, and it eventually got to where they decided to move to the south where we had relocated, originally in order to get away from them all. I wasn't thrilled about this, but I didn't want to deny my wife a chance at a friendship. My brother was reluctant to move here too, for reasons that I will get into someday as I work up the nerve to do so. My mom said I should take that said reason to the grave, but I'm not going to do that. They lived in an apartment for 6 months while making excellent money, by most people's standards, but they then exited out of the lease and moved into my parents' house, yet again, rent free, until they could buy a house of their own (or at least, that was how it was phrased to me when I decided to go nc with my parents yet again, due to the emotional pain of yet again seeing him and his family completely chosen over me and mine). They had to get out of their lease because they are assholes and got a bit too brazen with their neighbors. Despite being brazen in the past with neighbors who produced guns in their faces, they still find it rather funny to try and cave their downstairs neighbor's ceiling in by purposely jumping around as hard as they could out of spite. So long story short, another awful neighbor who couldn't take a joke decided to make them feel less than safe for their choices.

With the money and assets they have, there should've been no reason why they couldn't just pivot into another short term lease or something, but my parents ate up the chance to get into that abusive dynamic yet again, telling themselves that they couldn't let their son and his family go homeless (I can't say that without laughing because that is hardly the only other choice in this scenario). Regardless, we have come back into this situation because my parents decided to move those who we are once again no longer in contact with into their own house, essentially choosing a side once again. Of course, the explanation evolved from this being a temporary thing to suddenly they can't afford a down payment on anything because they don't have any money saved, meaning they would be living with them indefinitely. My only satisfaction in this was knowing that my mom's vicious lap dog, who she refuses to rehome because she spent $6k from a breeder, would be biting the shit out of all of them. Despite the dog being a barrier to letting my kids stay over my parents or anything of the sort, you can at least cordon a dog off for someone to visit. Sadly, they refuse to kennel my brother's wife.

Anyways, my spouse has some acquaintances in the real estate industry, since we have bought and sold a number of homes over the years. She got a message from one of them, asking her if she was aware how terribly entitled and obnoxious her in-laws are. Despite having to search numerous banks for a loan due to their awful credit rating, they still have the nerve to act like they are rich and powerful somehow. They were apparently searching originally for a house priced in the $300's but could not get a mortgage unless my parents cosigned and put up their retirement assets as collateral. They refused that, but they did cosign a mortgage for $200k. This after having always told me about how they would never cosign a loan for anyone ever. So basically, my parents bought my fully grown ass brother and his family a house, because when push comes to shove they will definitely stop paying the mortgage payment and could care less if they force my parents into doing so. Of course, I am sitting on this knowledge since before I was gifted $500 by my parents, and my parents won't ever tell me they did this. To answer your question, if you are asking it, I do intend to call my dad out on this, and it may be the last time I ever speak to him, depending on how that conversation goes.

My parents for the longest time would act like they did so evenly for both their kids and their grandkids, but I've called them out on that enough over the years so that they don't even make that claim anymore. From money to time spent to emotional support (if you can call it that), his family got 99.9%, and I'm an ingrate to complain about not getting my 0.1%. To clarify, I could care less except for the impact it all has had on my kids, but I do acknowledge that it's a blessing in disguise that my kids are growing up without that toxic influence so prevalent in their lives. Just makes me sad because if they would cosign a $200k mortgage for me like that, I'd be set for life, but bro's family gets rewarded for their recklessness while mine gets punished for trying to do things "the right way."

I want to shift gears now before I become too bitter, but I will just ask you to comment or message me, do you have experience with being the black sheep? If so, how's it going? Conversely, do you have experience being the golden child and self-aware of it? How has that been like for you??

To channel my inner Cranky Kong: kids these days experience multiplayer gaming far different than we did as young bloods. In my day *groans as he shifts in his recliner* multiplayer meant your friend or sibling played a single player game while you waited and rooted for them to screw up so you could have your turn to play! SMB3 made some progress in this by establishing a cooperative level progression, despite continuing the alternating turns system of play, but it was still waiting impatiently for your turn to play. Other games that did have simultaneous co-op could be frustrating if you had a younger sibling who couldn't hold up to your skill level. Nowadays, you got co-op where players don't get in each other's way, and you even got games that are accessible for players who can't coordinate keeping the acceleration button held down in Mario Kart. I may sound like I'm complaining, but I assure you this is quite the opposite. I might have had better interpersonal relationships growing up if it was more about this level of inclusive play and bonding rather than the confusing cooperative yet competitive setup that led to a rather passive aggressive style of friendships and relationships that I experienced.

A quick update before I wrap this up: I will be going away for a couple of weeks without access to internet, so know that I am okay during this time and will post more when I get back. I would like to ask, has anyone reading this ever called the suicide hotline, and what was that experience like for you? I have not yet called, but I do have them in my contacts (it's 988 in the US for anyone who doesn't know).

The holiday season is filled with controlling propaganda for family, friends, and other such obligations disguised as tradition, so if you are like me and can't conform to society's expectations, just know you aren't alone and that this is a safe spot to share and discuss. You don't have to feel shame and guilt for putting your own health and quality of life first. Trauma sucks, but we all have it. Understand that your own personal experience is valid and that you aren't lesser than anyone else. I hope you are able to find peace and comfort this season in your spirituality because that's far stronger than worrying about the company you keep, possessions you have, or living a lifestyle by others' standards. What's the point in living that way if it just adds to your stress? Family sucks, and that is why I have opted out. If you are considering doing the same but haven't yet, I hope you survive this year. If you are considering breaking free, I'm happy to lend a friendly ear and chat!

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messofmoss · 5 months ago

Text

thursday, june 20, 2024

4:52am

it's been weeks since julia has told me she loves me back. i told her again, and all she said was thanks. maybe she doesn't anymore. maybe it annoys her when i tell her. i should just leave her alone.

she probably wouldn't even notice you're gone. or if she does, she would feel relief to finally be free of you. if you care about her, you'll leave her alone. just leave her the fuck alone.

5:05am

she doesn't want your love. just cris. your love is only agitating for her because you're not cris. love and attention from the wrong person is irritating. she doesn't give a fuck how you feel about her. she only keeps you around as a distraction from her cris feelings. that's all you ever were and you're not even a good one anymore. there is no point to your existence in her life. tbh there's no point to you at all. what good comes from your existence? two cats get cuddles a lot? they'd get cuddled by someone that could afford to take care of them better. they could get cuddled by someone who would clean their litter box more regularly. they could get cuddled by someone that lived in a house they could roam freely in. even they would be better off without you if you weren't so fucking selfish.

5:14am

why the fuck do you even care what she thinks anyway? she's boring as hell 80% of the time. she doesn't have a drop of whimsy in her body. your relationship is like she's a member of the crowd watching your comedy special. laughing ever so often and maybe answering a few questions now and then. 90% of this entire friendship is just you. she doesn't deserve you.

5:20am

do you think loaves of bread at the store want to be picked? like they know they're going to be eaten? or do they try to wish themselves invisible and silently scream when someone picks them up and sets them in their cart? would each slice be like taking a limb from them?

many times have i only wanted 1 loaf of bread but i saw only 2 there so i couldn't just leave the one behind because what if it felt unwanted or not good enough? what if it missed its friend? so i buy both. but what if that is a worse fate because now it has to watch me tear his friend apart limb from limb? that fucking sucks

10:09am

maybe i'm asexual??

8:44pm

what a day. i went downstairs to check on grandma and turned outlander on for us to watch. it was around 3 when i realized that there was an odd smell. turns out one of the stove burners was on and filling the house with gas. so i took grandma out to 3 cemeteries and we drove around in our nightgowns.

i called my dad while we were out to check on him because of the heat and all. i told him we were going out to sand lake union cemetery and so he asked me if i could go up taborton mountain to my uncle's house to get a microwave for him. so i did.

once i got home, i basically just read for the next couple hours. i'll probably start another book now that i've finished this one. it's easier to not think when i'm reading. well if the book is interesting enough. i'd rather be in their world than my own.

11:13pm

my hairdye finally arrived but i think i should wait to do it. i don't want toooo but it's so hot lately that i'll just sweat it off at work and dye my clothes and skin lol embarrassing that'd be.

11:20pm

julia sent me a selfie today without me asking and a voice message without me asking. then she sent two kissy faces when she went to bed instead of hearts.

it doesnt mean anything it doesnt mean anything it doesnt mean anything it doesnt mean anything

but i want it to. i want to kiss her. she's so unbelievably pretty. how does she just wake up everyday and look like that? that's crazy.

she would never be interested in me. i'm like a fucking whale. an ogre. a troll. i feel like i am just ballooning more and more everyday.

my legs don't even feel like mine half of the time. they're like huge and each jiggle is so uncomfortable. like it feels foreign.

in general when i look in the mirror it doesn't feel like me. like who is that?

there was a period of time when i had like two sides of me. i called the other one emma. emma is a lesbian and more repulsed by men and doesn't want kids. vs katy who wants a traditional life with a man and children. i feel like i go through periods where i feel more like emma or more like katy. i actually had started a diary once where i was going to write journal entries and like sign them as katy or emma so i could see the difference more. but i am typically bad at keeping up with diaries.

i found it lol i only had one entry after this so not very helpful. maybe i could start it up again. though right now i feel kind of like neither of them.

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silly-rat-rambles · 7 months ago

Text

See You Soon.

Note: This is the first thing I've written for my OC Eireann, been working on this for a week or so now and decided to post it. I'd appreciate feedback and so on :>

Summary: Eireann attempts suicide (I suck at summaries but that's basically what happens - I know, not the best way to start this off)

Word count: 2559

WARNINGS - PLEASE READ BEFORE PROCEEDING: Attempted suicide, cutting, a razorblade, blood, ripping out hair, auditory hallucinations, struggles with bereavement, loss of friends, grief, mentions of panic attacks, graphic descriptions, police violence, shooting, someone gets shot, overdosing, mentioned drug abuse, character stays in a psych ward (not very descriptive), two funerals, two corpses (rather descriptive), HEAVY ANGST (If I missed any, please let me know!)

Eireann sat in the bathroom of the home they shared with their parents and four siblings.

They were all downstairs, watching something on the TV. Eireann could hear them laughing. They were none the wiser, they knew nothing of how Eireann felt, what she was about to do.

And she was scared because she felt alone. Had no one to talk to. Had no one's hand to hold. No one's heartbeat to hear during a hug, that steady rhythm of life, evidence of hope. It had all been taken away - no. It hadn't been taken away, it had been ripped from their desperate grasp by the merciless talons of the hooded figure with the scythe. That brutal beast of bitter balance had paid too many visits for Eireann to survive.

They remembered the warm feeling of home that they had always felt when they laid their head on Andrzej's chest, wrapping their arms around his torso. He would pretend he didn't like hugs or cuddling, but Eireann knew better. Deep down, that guy had always been a touch-starved baby. The longer their friendship lasted, the more he started to show his softer side, occasionally running his hands through Eireann's untameable red mop of hair or letting out a content sigh.

She swallowed hard, her heart racing and her breathing unsteady.

A tear escaped their eye, the accumulated salt water making her eyes glisten like desperate emeralds in the piercing light of the lamp above the mirror.

Trying to clear their mind, they leaned their head back against the tiles and tried to breathe normally - to no avail.

I don't have to do this, I don't have to do this, I don't have to do this.

It was the mantra that Clarke, the doe-eyed girl with skin the color of wenge, had taught her. Eireann winced at the thought of her.

The way Clarke would place one of Eireann's hands on her chest and one of her's on Eireann's to synchronise their breathing during a panic attack, it still felt just as real as it did when she was still around. Simply being around her was calming and Eireann had always wondered how she managed to maintain a clear mind, even in moments where it was totally fine to panic. The redhead felt the gentle pull on her scalp, like when Clarke expertly wound small strands of Eireann's hair into braids in an effort to help her relax.

A choked sob escaped her throat as more tears spilled down her pale cheeks and she lowered her hand, gripping onto a clump of curly red hair. Their face was now contorted in a silent, painful scream.

I miss you so much... Clarke? Are you still there?

I'm here Eireann. Never left. Never will.

I miss you so much...

I know darling... I miss you too... so does Andrzej...

The flow of Eireann's tears quickened as they heard their friend speaking to them.

They sat like that for a while, weeping on the bathroom floor, eyes squeezed shut in pain.

Vivid memories played in her head. The way Clarke's limp body collapsed on the pavement just outside her own house in the middle of the night, the whole neighbourhood flooded with white light from the helicopter, blue and red reflecting off of each and every window, every car, every puddle on the sidewalk.

It didn't look like in the movies. Clarke wasn't sent flying by the shots to her chest. She stumbled, her knees gave out and she fell face first onto the driveway, lying in a puddle of crimson.

But the slow motion part from movies, that felt real. The shots echoed through the neighbourhood, shock plastered all over the faces of the curious ones that had been woken by the sirens and the unstopping whirring of the helicopter that made the china rattle in its cabinets.

Andrzej had stood with his back to Clarke, his hands on the outer wall of the house. He didn't have to see it and that was probably for the best. Eireann still remembered the way he flinched as the air was pierced by the life-shattering bangs of the M4A1s.

The girl was dead before any of the officers cared to call an ambulance because they finally believed the teenagers were innocent and someone had played a very foul trick on them.

The undertaker had messed up Clarke's nose when they tried to make her look presentable for her funeral. Clarke was pretty, very pretty. Eireann had wept at the coffin when they saw her face again. Still pretty as ever, but lifeless - and visibly altered in an attempt to restore her ethereal beauty. Fools, all of them. No one could re-build what those assault rifles had shot apart and what was broken when she fell. It still made Eireann angry to that day.

And then there was Andrzej... Eireann had not seen it happen. He did it alone, at night, in his bedroom. Everyone suspected that he took the stuff from his older brother and that he simply wanted to have fun for one night and didn't know what he was playing at.

But Eireann knew better.

Andrzej loved Clarke. He was never the same again after her passing, shut everyone out, even Eireann. He did it on purpose, he knew how much of that devil's stuff was enough to be too much. An ambulance was called, they thought they could save him. His mother had called Eireann in the dead hours of night, but Eireann hadn't slept anyways, as if they knew something was wrong.

When they arrived at the hospital, they wouldn't let them see him. She heard nurses and doctors hurriedly walking around the room, instructions were called, then over the voices, she heard the flatline noise of the electrocardiograph. Eireann broke down crying in the middle of the ER and that was when a nurse came to take her away.

Afterwards, Andrzej's mother Izabella told her that they tried to resuscitate him a total of ten times. They had him back once, but he flatlined again and was gone for good.

That was the second funeral within six months that Eireann attended. When she stepped up to his open casket, she shook with silent tears. His hand was cold when she took it but it was still his. The very hand that had run through their hair countless times.

He looked peaceful and Eireann pulled herself together. The last time they were so close to eachother shouldn't only consist of her crying. This was the last service they could do him. They bent down and placed a light kiss on his right cheek, then gently moved a strand of hair away from his face. Even in death, he was still a handsome young man. His sharp features, the cheekbones, the chin, they were still there.

But the way he rolled his eyes, the way he would frown, and the mischievous grins were missing. Superficially, it was still him. But for Eireann everything that made him their friend was missing. "Goodbye, Andrzej."

At first, they had been angry at him. They were the only one in the trio who was left. But over time, she understood why he did it and she could relate. She wanted to see Clarke again too.

And they were holding the power to make that happen in their hands.

Power took the form of a razorblade, taken from their father's shaving kit.

Guys?

We're here with you Eireann, don't worry

We'll never leave you, promise

I'll see you soon...

Wait what do you mean by that?

Eireann?

No, don't even think about it

Eireann don't do that-

But Eireann didn't listen to one word they were saying - or what she was imagining them to say anyways. Her expression grew cold, the tears stopped. They looked down to the shiny piece of metal. This was her one way ticket to see her friends.

And god knew she would take it.

Closing their eyes and gritting their teeth, they slowly brought the blade to their left wrist and soon felt a small but steady stream of blood run along the palm of their hand and drip onto the floor. Thick droplets made quiet, wet noises as they hit the tiles. As the droplets grew bigger, so did the little noises.

Eireann began to smile a little as they felt their mind drift away with their vitality onto the bathroom floor.

I'm on my way guys...

Kurwa mać, stop it you fucking idiot!

Eireann, please... don't do this, please...

Eireann's eyes shot wide open when a high-pitched scream pierced her mind. In the doorframe stood their little sister, Aoife. She was five years old.

Fuck.

Wanting to hide what they did, Eireann tried to get up but their vision flickered from moving too fast with too little blood to sustain it. She stumbled, the bloodied blade falling to the floor, and gripped onto the sink blindly. The first one to come running up the stairs was Fionn, Eireann's oldest brother. As soon as his eyes settled on his sibling, shock took over his face and he made his way over to them.

"No... Aoife first," they said and he ushered the little girl down the stairs again, into the arms of her parents. Her wailing could be heard through the whole house.

He then came back for Eireann and sat her down again, taking a towel and wrapping it around her wrist in an attempt to slow the bleeding.

"Hey hey hey, don't you close your damn eyes, you hear me?", he said, gently slapping Eireann's cheek to keep them awake.

She tried to look at him and squinted but her vision got blurry and her head was spinning. Fainting was inevitable.

---

Eireann was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and got stitched up, aswell as she was given a blood transfusion. The doctors spoke to the still shocked parents after their child was stable and advised a stay in a psych ward.

When Eireann was responsive again, they agreed to this, hoping that they could be helped there. Not long after, a psychiatrist visited them and asked a few questions to get a general overview of the situation at hand.

When Eireann had spoken to her about what had happened before they attempted suicide, the woman told her that they were showing symptoms of PTSD, aswell as schizophrenia and depression, but that those mental illnesses overlap as far as symptoms go and that therefore, it was much too early for a proper diagnosis.

As soon as Eireann's cuts had begun healing and they were getting some of their vitality back, they were moved to the psych ward of the hospital in which they stayed for a little over a month. They were visited frequently by their family, but mostly their parents. Eireann had asked them not to bring Aoife because they were still trying to figure out how to apologise to their little sister who was now - according to Eireann's parents - seeing a children's therapist to deal with what she had seen.

The first time Fionn visited, they cried together. His nearly white hair was pulled into a very messy bun, trying to hide the fact that he hadn't washed it in a while. Even though he was a few years older than Eireann, and much older than Aoife, it wasn't any less difficult for him to deal with the situation, especially because he had been suffering from mental health issues too for a few years at that point.

He felt like he should have seen it coming and failed at his job of being a good older brother. Hearing him express this made Eireann feel all the more guilty. Fionn was an exceptionally great brother, supportive, protective, funny, responsible, and a person to look up to - also in the literal sense because he was much taller than Eireann.

He was a good example of personal growth and overcoming trauma - he had been bullied in school for years for being a person with albinism and his mental health had suffered greatly, but he had made great progress in the years prior.

Eireann wrote a letter to Aoife, explaining - with as much care as possible and comprehensive for a five year old - that they were not doing well at the time and that they were trying to make themself happier, not realising that they were doing the exact opposite.

'Do you remember the time you were sad and wanted ice cream to make it better? You ended up eating too much and vomited. It's a little bit like that.'

Eireann knew this was a terrible comparison, but they wanted to help Aoife understand their situation - even if that meant making questionable comparisons. They would speak to Aoife again when she was older. Old enough to hear this without needing imagery of ice cream.

'I didn't mean for you to see what you saw and I am deeply sorry that it was you who found me. That is something I don't think I can make up to you. But please know that you saved me and that is something I will always be grateful for.'

After the letter was delivered and read to little Aoife by the parents, she came to visit and brought Eireann a plushie to help her recover quickly. At the sight of the little girl clutching the grey rabbit with the floppy ears, Eireann nearly started crying but she kept the tears for after her sister had left again. The purity of the gesture was too much for them.

The time in the psych ward helped the teenager a lot - they finally understood more of what was going on in their head and why they felt the way they felt. The reason that they kept hearing their passed friends speaking to them was the grief that they were still experiencing. It had only been a handful of months since Andrzej had passed and Eireann had not yet processed the loss of the two people closest to her. The incident in which Clarke died, the night that someone called a SWAT on the trio, claiming they were planning an assassination and owned a self made bomb, left Eireann with PTSD, which had also brought symptoms of drepression and suicidal thoughts with itself.

After some time, the medication that they were getting showed positive effects and they began processing their trauma with their therapist, baby step after baby step. She advised Eireann to keep a journal in which they would write down their thoughts everyday, how they felt and what they did, and while it took a lot of willpower to pull through with that, they managed to do this quite consistently.

When she left the hospital, her therapist recommended that she stayed in a "relatively" remote recovery institution for however long it took them to recover further. It would not be like the psych ward, Eireann was told. It would be more like a place where teenagers and young adults could go after they went through traumatic events to find peace again and slowly let things go back to normal. Not feeling ready to go back to school and deal with daily life again, Eireann agreed.

Maybe, just maybe... this was their chance to start life anew.

#my ocs #ocs

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eremiie · 4 years ago

Text

gone for too long;

❥ in which you’ve been gone way too long for eren’s liking.

❥ 2.8k words | nsfw | modern au

❥ content: phone sex, dirty talk, mutual masturbation, i think that’s it

eren rolled over on his navy sheets. he was tired of switching back and forth between the same three apps, constantly checking for new notifications besides the ones from his group chat that kept blowing his phone up.

he missed his girlfriend. he missed your presence being next to him when he woke up and he missed cuddling into you on early mornings. the only company he had now was the dim light being let in through his sheer curtains.

he went to his camera roll and clicked on his photo album of you, scrolling through numerous times; like when the two of you had went to the movies together, he remembered the aftermath, the two of you getting riled up in a taxi and you forced him to tip the driver extra. he also remembered the plethora of dirty photos you'd send to him when he would ask, of course this wasn't a normal occurrence but definitely when the two of you were feeling it.

he contemplated calling your phone despite knowing you were away for a trip with some of your closest friends but he didn't want to bother you, yet his own issue was getting the best of him, the constant tossing and turning, the constant adjusting his sweats, and the constant aching pain he wanted to relieve so bad.

i mean, your contact was right there. he was scrolling through your messages a variety of text messages and share photos sent back and forth, the last time the two of you texted being the day you left for the trip and he wouldn't stop blowing your phone up with how much he missed you; the days after that he resorted to calling you instead.

maybe he should text you first?

okay, okay, he'll text you first, and if you're not busy then he'll call you; if you can't talk then he'll try to handle his own.

10:34pm

Baby you up?

yeah ofc, i’m on a trip

I miss you☹️

imyt bby, wyd?

Like i miss you

bye

eren chuckles at your response, a smile on his face forming at the response time of your texts.

10:37pm

Ok no fr, can we ft, wanna see your pretty face

u sure it’s just my pretty face you wanna see?

Nah

Now answer baby

eren couldn't help but smile to himself as he clicked your contact name, the facetime call ringing one, two, then three times before you picked up, your voice after so long sounding like a melody to his ears.

"hello?" your voice came through the line and from where you were sitting on the couch, pieck's legs sitting comfortably on your lap and the heads of sasha and historia whipping towards you, ymir not caring enough to look up from historia's phone.

"hey baby, how are you?" eren asked, his face not in the camera while his hand sliding left to right on his lower abdomen as he spoke to you.

your eyes flickered to your friends, a sly grin on historia's face at the sound of eren's low voice on the other end of the line.

you and your friends decided that it would be nice to go on a small trip, residing in an air bnb while you all traveled together. it was hard to convince eren to let you go, him saying that "he'll miss you," and "you'll be gone for too long", but when you told him you'd keep in contact with him everyday he reluctantly let you go, of course with a pout. you wouldn't be back for a couple more days as you had a couple more places to sightsee with the girls.

"i'm good, how are you?"

"i'm fine... i just miss you..." eren mumbled, adjusting himself in his position, bringing his hand up to his chest then back down to his stomach, feeling the ripples of his abs from under his palm.

sasha threw her head back and huffed a breath. "i wish connie call me like that!" she turned over to her stomach from on the couch and grabbed her phone, you, pieck and historia chuckling.

"i miss you too, i'll be back soon though."

"but baby soon is not soon enough, i want you here with me." he pouted, his hand smoothing down to his crotch while he stared at you, you looking down at the camera. "i want you beside me, 'm tired of going to sleep by myself."

you pressed the volume down on your phone a couple times. when pieck opened her eyes, her dark irises shifted towards you with a raise of her eyebrow. she could read your mind; her legs sliding off your lap more towards her body, and her eyes closing again. "go on." she smiled.

you shook your head after her trying to hide your mere embarrassment before getting up from the couch with a soft "eren!" to warn her that you were in front of your friends. "i'll be back guys..." you made your way towards the staircase of the rented house while eren continued to talk to you.

"what? i'm so serious babe. it's been so long, i just want to feel you against me." he whined. at some point his hand made its way into his sweatpants, him now palming himself over his black boxers. "where are you?"

you opened the door to the room you share with pieck and sasha, getting on your bed and turning over to face eren, half of his face finally in the camera. you could tell he hadn't woken up too long ago, almost all of his hair falling out of his ponytail, frizzy pieces framing his face and around his head like a halo, although it was kind of hard to see with how dark it was in his room. "well now i'm in the room i'm sleeping in... the owners had two rooms so i took one with pieck since she's pretty quiet, but since there isn't three rooms sasha sleeps here too, she didn't mind making a makeshift bed, plus the owners apologized. ymir forced us to all share a room anyways because she wanted the other room alone with historia."

"yeah? well it sounds like y'all are still having fun anyways since you haven't been calling me."

"eren, we just talked yesterday."

"yeah, because i called you. you didn't call me."

"same thing." you huffed, turning to your back and resting the bottom of the phone on your chest, an angle that made eren laugh. "what are you doing?" you asked him, while your eyes darted around the room to study it since you never really got a chance to, being out and about everyday you've been here.

"thinking about you."

you felt your cheeks heat up, and held back your smile, rolling your eyes instead. "hm, i told you i'm co—"

"thinking about how i want you next to me, so i can feel you against me."

"eren, stop," you moved your face out the camera, of course the butterflies in your stomach decided to start flapping around.

"i'm not kidding baby, i was just going through my photos, that's how much i miss you... and i saw some of the photos you used to send me... how come you don't send me nothing no more?" he taunted you, and you didn't even know his hands were halfway down his pants as he spoke to you so enticingly.

"you know why. how did armin end up seeing my nudes?" you furrowed your eyebrows and turned the phone back to your face with a jokingly angry expression causing eren to burst out laughing.

"i told you i was sorry, it was an accident! historia saw my dick print that one time."

"that's because you sent it to me when she was using my phone, nobody asked you to send those to me while i was out with my friends."

"you're always out with your friends and never with me."

"you're such a baby."

"but i'm your baby, and your baby wants you right now."

you were at lost for words, your voice croaking when you tried to come up with something to say, but eren didn't mind, after a moment of comfortable silence he continued to carry the conversation for you.

"wanna feel that pretty body, i wanna kiss you and hold you," a faint noise was eliciting from the other side of the line, small constant sounds of fabric being ruffled almost— and alongside it, eren's soft panting. "the things i want to do to you, baby... i wanna fuck you so bad right now."

eren's hand was wrapped around himself, stroking up and down in a rhythm that you could hear from where you were thanks to the facetime call you were on. "eren—"

"that's one reason i miss you so much... i been fucking my fist to that pretty face almost everyday..."

you turned over to your side letting the phone rest beside you as you listened to eren through the phone. "yeah?"

"yeah, 'm doing it right now, that's how much i miss that pretty pussy."

somehow you found your own hand trailing down to your underwear, pulling the fabric aside and basking in eren's deep voice and praise. you didn't even realize the soft moan you made until eren's voice came in on the other line.

"you're touching yourself too? touching yourself to me?"

his voice— it was so low and grumbly, just like he had only just woken up, the way he spoke working you up. "mhm," you responded, and when he didn’t continue you took his silence as a way of him telling you to 'proceed', letting your fingers brush over your clit.

"i bet you miss me just as much then... miss the way i bend you over..." eren groaned at his own words, his hand tightening around his cock. his sweatpants and boxer were shoved down around his thighs, only enough so that he would be able to pump himself while laying on his back. "miss the way i fuck you so nice, right?"

"yeah.." you mumbled, you didn't really want to be in the position you were when your friends were sitting just downstairs but you couldn't help it, eren just had a natural charm to him that had you doing whatever he wanted you to.

"fuck, baby, if you were here right now i'd have you screaming like you always do—" you let out a low whimper at the thought, he wasn't lying, he did usually have you screaming and crying during your sexual endeavors, he was just that good once the two of you had learned what each other liked and disliked. "bouncing on my dick like that... you wouldn't even be able to touch yourself like you are right now if i was there..." you clenched at this because once again, he was right, he loved edging you, it's was something about the way you would cry and beg for him to let you come that turned him on so much. "fuck, i miss you."

you let a finger enter into you, and you tried to hold back your moans, your mouth agape at the feelings and you could only imagine it was eren's fingers instead. "i, i miss you too." and the noises, the squelching noises just had to be transferred over the call as well, eren letting out a low chuckle when he heard them.

"you're dirty..." he laughed, thumb slipping over his tip to collect his precum and smooth it down his length. "if you're gonna finger yourself show me,"

you squeezed your legs around you and turned onto your back. "eren..."

"let me see."

he moved his face into the camera, head now against his headboard and him still pumping himself while he watched you adjust his view so that the camera was flipped. at first, it was quite shaky while you pulled off your own sweatpants and underwear, putting them off to the side and then making sure the camera wasn't too shaky for eren. "yeah, right there, now put them back inside, put on a show for me, ______."

he was doing something to you, and it wasn't fair. you slipped your fingers back inside of yourself as he asked and let out a drawled out moan, eren's mouth dropping open much like yours earlier, head tilting back against the headboard as he lifted his hips up to meet his hand. "fuck— you wish that was me fucking you instead?"

you let out another whimper, your eyebrows furrowing and your eyes closing at his words; you weren't even sure if the camera was positioned properly anymore but eren wasn't complaining so you could only assume so. "uh huh,"

"look, baby." you opened your eyes again and looked at the phone. the camera was no longer on eren's face, it was now on his dick, his hand wrapped tightly around it moving up and down slowly. "can you see it?" and you could, albeit the dimness of the room, there was just enough light to see his movements. "you want this inside you?"

you nodded your head only to realize he wouldn't be able to hear you and instead let out a small "yeah", adding another finger into yourself and biting your lip to keep from moaning out while watching eren get himself off at you doing the same, you completely dismissed the words 'eren jaeger💍 took a facetime photo.' when they popped up on your screen, you were to amped up, but you knew you'd be complaining later.

"god, you're so beautiful, i can't— 'mma come." he whined, hips once again jutting into his hand. he was getting sweaty, feeling how close he was, his skin shiny with a thin sheen of perspiration, hair tie touching his neck as his ponytail was almost completely loose. his eyebrows were knit together and his complexion was flushed, with the phone in front of him to give you a good view while he stared down at it to watch you. "i want you to come first, make yourself come first for me."

your eyes fluttered, and you used your thumb to rub your clit while you let your fingers glide in and out of you, the wet noises making eren jerk off faster, a choked noise leaving his throat as he tried to hold back. "c'mon baby, just act like that's me, that's me fucking you so well," and he didn't even have to go on, your orgasm washing over you at eren's words and the stimulation, your fingers pulling out of you and your knees coming together while your face twisted in pure pleasure, the sound of eren unfolding on the other line as well.

"______!" he moaned, letting his cum spill all over his hand, and oh, what a sight. "fuck... did you like that?"

you flipped the camera back, placing it on the bed and using your one hand that was holding the phone to pull both your underwear and sweatpants back on. "i guess," you murmured once you had your bottoms on again. "i'll be right back."

"yeah, me too."

both you and eren left to clean yourself up and wash your hands, you coming back to eren being back first. "so when are you coming back again?" he asks, now his face once again fully in the camera laying on his stomach, clutching his pillow.

you held back a small laugh at his boyish grin when he looked at you, clear content in his eyes, the light from the phone illuminating his features. "two more days, i'll see you soon, eren."

"that's too long. can we do this again if i start missing you again?"

"no, this was a one time thing, i'm hanging out with my friends!" eren pouted at you and squeezed his pillow a little more then leaning forward and kissing the phone making you grimace at him and start laughing. "you're so weird."

"shut up and go hang out with your friends."

you and eren finally hung up the phone after a mantra of 'i love you' from both ends, you finally heading back downstairs.

"well that took forever." historia said, her eyebrows raised at you when you strut back in the living room.

"yeah cause she was probably phone fucking her boyfriend." ymir joked, but it caught you off guard because, she wasn't wrong.

"i wasn't!" you retorted quicker than you meant to, historia and sasha laughing.

"i took a nap while you were up there... that’s how long you took! we have to get ready, we're leaving to go out to eat at four pm." pieck yawned, stretching out her arms and legs and moving them from where she stretched them into your previous spot.

"okay, well then i'm gonna go back upstairs to get ready." you replied, turning back around to head back upstairs.

"don't waste anymore of our time being on the phone with jaeger boy." ymir scoffed as she watched you go up the stairs, historia hitting her shoulder from beside her.

"i won't!" you smiled to yourself, as you made your trek back up the stair, of course you wouldn't take any longer than you needed to getting ready, but you definitely wouldn't waste anytime getting back to eren once you made it back home.

#eren yeager x reader #eren jaeger x reader #eren x reader #eren jaeger #eren yeager #eren yeager smut #eren aot #eren smut #eren jaeger smut #attack on titan

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helloalycia · 3 years ago

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worth the wait [five] // daisy johnson

summary: the longer Daisy spends with you, the more you realise that maybe nine years isn't enough time to get over her.

warning/s: mentions of PTSD.

author's note: this is the final part, but it was a little long so i’ve put it into two posts. hopefully the daisy stans appreciated it 😊

I woke with a start, immediately feeling my hair sticking to the nape of my neck and the need to shake off my duvet.

The fear of my nightmare still implanted in the pit of my stomach made me reach for my bedside lamp. I half expected someone to grab my hand in the dark, my imagination working overtime to scare the living hell out of me, but nothing happened except for the lamp turning on.

I sat up in bed and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart. It was just a dream, nothing real. And I knew that, logically, since I was in my childhood bedroom instead of a dark torture chamber. Yet I couldn't stop crying and imagining the worst.

It was getting worse – the nightmares, the anxiety, the nausea. Ever since Daisy and my mum had told me to see a therapist, I knew it was getting worse, but I still hadn't done anything about it. Clearly, things had to change.

Barely thinking about, I found myself grabbing my phone and dialling Daisy's number. I hadn't spoken to her since she came over, and it was my fault things had been left on a bad note. That was only last week and I felt like an idiot as I heard the phone ringing.

"Hello?" her groggy voice came through, and I immediately felt bad.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I tried to silence my heavy breathing. "Hey, Daisy. It's, er, it's Y/N. I'm sorry, I– I didn't mean to wake you. I–"

"Y/N?" she asked, voice laced with fatigue and confusion. "Are you okay? What is it? Where are you?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you," I said quickly, trying to maintain my shakiness. I brought my legs up to my chest and wrapped an arm around them tightly. "I'm at home. I just–" I flinched, closing my eyes. "I'm sorry, did I wake you? My parents gave me your number and I– I didn't know what else to do–"

"You don't need to apologise," she cut me off, wakening up a little by the sounds of it. "I'm glad you called. What's wrong?"

I smiled dryly, wiping away at my tears. "I, er, you were right about me. I should have–" I breathed out deeply. "I need to talk to someone about... yeah. But right now I... I can't go back to sleep."

"Do you want me to come over? I'm not far and–"

"No, no!" I said quickly, slightly embarrassed. "You don't need to– it's the middle of the night. I just– I don't know what I was expecting. I just didn't want to be alone and I didn't wanna wake my parents and worry them."

"Of course," she said reassuringly. "It's okay. I won't come, but I can stay on the phone with you if you'd like? We can talk. Or we can just stay silent. Anything you want."

I sniffled and put my head between my legs, feeling my shoulders relax a little. The last thing I wanted was to be a bother to her.

"Thanks," I muttered, and I wasn't even sure if she heard it. "I'm sorry for how I acted last week... with this."

"We don't need to talk about it," she said softly, her voice raspy as she'd just woken up. "I just want you to be okay."

I closed my eyes, breathing out quietly. I wasn't sure what to say, but the sound of her voice was instantly reassuring.

It was quiet between us, for at least another minute or so, and all I could hear was her breathing on the other side. As much as I appreciated the company, I knew it was unfair of me to keep her on the phone.

Swallowing hard, I said, "Daisy?"

"Yeah? Are you okay?"

I rubbed the bridge of my nose, knowing I wasn't. "I don't think–" I sighed awkwardly. "I won't be falling asleep any time soon and I– er, you should go. I don't want to keep you on here for no reason."

"It's not for no reason," she reassured. "I'll stay on until you fall asleep, Y/N. You'll get tired eventually."

"But if I don't–"

"I'll stay on."

I nodded, despite her being unable to see me. "Thank you..."

It went quiet again, and I felt my heart rate returning to its normal pace as I distracted myself with the sound of Daisy's breathing. It wasn't hard to tire myself to the sound, as I was already exhausted, just scared. But when I closed my eyes and let her breathing comfort me, it almost felt like she was right next to me, and my fear slowly faded away.

—

When I woke up the next morning, I was drooling on my phone screen as the sun streamed through my curtains. When I wiped my mouth, a yawn escaped my lips and I moved my phone from my pillow, confused to why it was there. But then I remembered the early hours of that morning and felt my face flush with embarrassment. I checked the screen, seeing the call wasn't still on, but there was a text from Daisy.

Daisy: hey, Y/N, I hope you feel better in the morning. I figured you wouldn't want to wake up to me on the phone, so I hung up. Please don't be angry, but I'm on my way over to see you. I just want to make sure you're okay.

That message was sent fifteen minutes ago, so I wouldn't put it past Daisy to already be outside. It was embarrassing, don't get me wrong, but I appreciated that she cared enough to check on me, even after I'd treated her disrespectfully.

I'd just managed to brush my teeth when Daisy arrived. My mum called me downstairs, claiming it was for me, and I tried not to fidget in my pyjamas as I descended the stairs and saw Daisy waiting by the front door. When she saw me, a relieved smile was on her lips.

"Hey," she began quietly, hesitant to say more in case I was mad.

I exhaled slowly, shoulders relaxing at the sight of her. She'd helped me more than she'd known, and with that thought in my mind, I moved forward and hugged her gratefully.

"Thank you," I whispered into her shoulder, closing my eyes as my arms laced around her neck.

She returned the hug and I sensed her surprise.

"Anytime, Y/N," she replied with a squeeze. "I just want you to be okay."

I nodded, lingering for a moment longer than I probably should have, before pulling away. She searched my eyes with a hint of concern and I subconsciously grabbed her hand and kept ahold of it.

"I'm gonna book an appointment with a therapist," I told her, the thought terrifying me in itself, but I knew it was the right thing to do. "And I wanted to ask if you... would you..." I swallowed hard, suddenly unable to meet her eyes. "Will you please come with me?"

"Of course I will," she promised, squeezing my hand and earning my attention. "I'll be with you whenever you want." She blinked, clearing her throat with realisation. "I mean, for the appointments, obviously."

Thankfully, her messy words brought a smile to my face and reassured me about the whole therapy thing.

"Thank you," I said, finding it cute how she was the one to avoid my eyes now. "Since you're here, you may as well stay for breakfast. If you're not busy, that is."

"Breakfast. Sure. I'd love to."

I didn't let go of her hand as I tugged her towards the kitchen to join me.

—

Having Daisy back in my life was probably the best thing to happen to me in a long time.

Not only had she literally saved my life as Quake, but she was also saving my life every day after. Whether it was accompanying me to my therapist appointments or hospital appointments, or hanging out with me way more than she needed to, she was more present in my life. I didn't ask her to – it only began when I'd asked her to come to my first therapist appointment – but she'd chosen to. And I didn't want to question it because I'd missed her more than I cared to admit.

My parents took her in as family like no time had passed and I was accepting her back into my life, too, but I didn't want to get too attached. She had a job to do at the end of the day, and knowing Daisy, she wouldn't stay for too long. I guess, in the back of my head, there was still that expectation of her picking up and leaving, just like she used to. Which was silly, since that was years ago, but still...

Despite her presence in my life again, we'd been avoiding talking about what we'd missed in each other's lives. The specifics anyway. I knew she joined S.H.I.E.L.D. and found her family, and she knew I became an investigative journalist and did many news packages on different topics, but I didn't know anything more and neither did she. I wasn't sure if it was on purpose or if we just avoided it without thinking, but I knew we had to face the music soon.

We were getting coffee after she picked me up from one of my therapy sessions when I brought it up.

"So, my therapist has been helping me with some stuff," I began, staring at my coffee as we walked back to my house. "Stuff outside of my PTSD, that is."

"Oh?" Daisy asked, and I could see her looking at me in the corner of my eyes. "Like what?"

I took a sip of my coffee, trying not to feel embarrassed as I answered, "Well, we obviously talk about my life. And what happens in it. Who I'm with..."

"Yeah..." Daisy was grinning now.

I rolled my eyes, wishing my face wasn't as warm as it felt. "She noticed you've been dropping me off and picking me up and... you may have come up in conversation."

"Ah, so you talk about me," she said slowly, trying very hard not to laugh. "Did you tell her how amazing I am? Or how beautiful, charming and funny I am?"

I sighed, finally lifting my eyes to look at her. Brown eyes twinkled with amusement as she gave me her usual teasing smile, making me shove her in the shoulder gently. Laughter spilled from her lips and I hated the butterflies in my stomach at the sound.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said, falling into step with me again. "You were saying. Go on."

Looking back ahead as we walked, I said, "Yes, well, we talked about you. And then she recommended that I try to catch up with you more. You know? Because we both talk so much about the good old days and even now, but not the in between. Not the parts that we weren't there for."

I looked back to Daisy when I finished, and she thankfully lost her amusement as she nodded in agreement. I half expected her to take the piss, but she was supportive as she glanced at me.

"I like the sound of that," she said, easing the nerves in my stomach. "So. What do you want to know?"

I cleared my throat, taking another sip of my drink and thinking of where to start. "Okay, erm... why don't we start with your S.H.I.E.L.D. friends? They're your family and I would love to get to know them better. What are they like?"

She nodded thoughtfully, sipping her coffee. "S.H.I.E.L.D., okay. Well, you met Jemma. She's basically my sister. Her and Fitz – I think I mentioned him before?" I nodded, recalling her throwing in the name in one of her stories. "They're together and they've been with me since I was recruited a few years ago. We've been through a lot together, but they've got my backs and I've got theirs."

I smiled at the carefree expression on her face. Just talking about them put her at ease and I felt a little better knowing that her time after high school wasn't completely terrible like I imagined.

"Then there's Coulson, of course," she continued, glancing at me every now and then to see if I was listening. "He's basically our dad. He's the reason I'm even with S.H.I.E.L.D. and he's always looking out for me, even when I'm doing stupid stuff."

"So, regularly then."

She nudged me in the arm at my comment, making me chuckle.

"He was how I learnt about my family," she explained. "There for me when I found them. When I got my powers. When I lost my family... he's been there through it all. I'd do anything for him."

I watched her carefully. "He sounds important to you."

Her lips curved into a small smile as brown eyes met mine. "He is."

She continued to tell me about the rest of her team and what everything was like at work, and the whole time she did, she was smiling.

"I'd love for you to meet them all," she finished, and I was surprised at the hint of nervousness in her voice. I didn't think she ever got nervous. "I mean, you've met Jemma, but the others– you should meet them, too. If you want to, that is."

"I'd like that," I said instantly, appreciating the way her eyes lit up and she tried very hard to hide her smile.

She cleared her throat, distracting from the pink spreading on her face, before asking, "So, you basically know about everything interesting that's happened to me these past nine or so years. What about you? Anything life-changing occur for you?" I opened my mouth to answer, and she added, "Apart from travelling around the world and being an investigative journalist?"

I feigned offence. "I hardly think that's fair. That's like me asking you not to talk about working for S.H.I.E.L.D. or being Quake."

Rolling her eyes playfully, she said, "Go on. Tell me something different."

I looked away from her in thought, thinking back to the past nine years. "I guess... oh, I know. I was almost married."

Her jaw dropped. "You were what?"

A laugh escaped my lips at her intrigued expression. She shook her head with disbelief.

"I have to know more," she insisted, before raising her brows. "You? Almost married?"

"It does sound strange," I agreed with amusement, before recalling the event. "It was about two years ago. I was with this guy who worked at the same paper I did. We'd been together for about a year and–"

"–and you realised he had a second family in the Bahamas?" she finished with a roguish grin.

"Very funny." I narrowed my eyes jokingly. "But no. I just realised I didn't love him. Well, I wasn't in love with him."

"Ouch."

"Ouch indeed." I paused, remembering the poor guy's face when I broke the news to him. "It was a month into the engagement when I told him the truth. He was very understanding, but–"

"–but you broke his poor little heart," she concluded, before wrapping an arm around my shoulder and tugging me closer. "Dear Y/N. The heartbreaker."

"Fuck off."

She laughed when she saw me attempting to fight a smile from my lips. Though eventually, one appeared anyway. Daisy always had the ability to bring out the best in me like that – I'd missed it.

"How about you anyway?" I asked, hoping for an opportunity to tease her in return. "Any boyfriends or girlfriends I should know about? Crazy exes, maybe?"

She snorted, swallowing her coffee before giving me a knowing look. "You're gonna need to brace yourself for this one. I doubt you'll believe me when it comes to this."

I rose an eyebrow with curiosity. "Damn, you've got me hooked, Johnson. Proceed."

And of course, that was the first and last time I heard about Agent Grant Ward. An interestingly dark tale of a dickhead of a man whose existence I was glad was no more.

"...so, do I win?" Daisy asked once she finished talking about him.

"Win what?"

She stared like it was obvious. "The best ex story, duh!"

"Wow." I snickered, shaking my head. "I guess you do."

Fist-pumping like an idiot, she said, "Knew it. Nothing ever beats homicidal psychopath almost-boyfriend."

"You need help."

"No, no I don't. I have you."

"Uh-huh."

"Love you, too."

—

Three months passed since returning from Myanmar and I was finally in a place where I could return to work. Even though I'd been putting together my research and interviews into a coherent news story at home, I hadn't physically been back to the newsroom in about a year.

My therapist had been helping me to treat my PTSD, my physical therapy was helping me get back function in my shoulder and arm, and the injury itself was almost healed, though I still had to wear a cast. Everything was actually beginning to look up.

I'd even sent off the complete news series about what I'd discovered in Myanmar to my editor which got published just before I returned to work. So, of course, as soon as I got there, that was the first thing everybody congratulated me on.

"Views have been going through the roof," Taylor, my colleague and closest friend at work, said as soon as he spotted me walking to my desk. "Your story is all anybody has been talking about!"

"Good to see you, too," I joked, an attempt to disguise my embarrassment at all the attention. "It's only been a year since we last saw each other."

He gave me a grin. "You know I missed you, Y/L/N, get over here."

I rolled my eyes playfully but accepted his hug, being careful of my shoulder. He squeezed me gently before letting go and perching himself on the edge of my desk as I took a seat. It felt strange to be back, but a good strange.

"I still can't believe you're actually here in the flesh," he said after a moment, eyeing me suspiciously. "I've been so used to quick calls and texts where I try to convince you not to do stupid stuff."

Chuckling, I shot him an appreciative smile. "You know I'm grateful for that. Even if I didn't listen."

"You not listening helped you get the best story though," he countered. "I bet you didn't expect S.H.I.E.L.D. to make the bust in the end though."

I sighed, shaking my head. "Definitely not. But I owe them a lot. They saved my life."

His expression softened. "That's another thing... thanks for not dying on me."

"You're welcome," I returned, though appreciated what he meant. "Now. Catch me up on everything I missed. Gossip an' all."

That was enough for him to pull up a seat and remind me of everything I'd missed whilst being away. We'd spoke many times whilst I was gone, but nothing quite beat a good bitching session in person.

Eventually though, our editor ended up interrupting and asked to see me in her office. I wasn't worried in the slightest, but there was still that tiny part of me that imagined the worst.

"You can stop holding your breath, y'know," Karla told me when I stopped before her desk. She seemed amused as she added, "I wanted to congratulate you on the human trafficking story."

Relaxing my shoulders, I raised my brows. "Oh. I– thank you. I'm glad you liked it."

"You put a lot on the line to get the results you did, but it shows," she continued proudly. "You've made an excellent name for yourself and done your fellow journalists proud."

"I didn't do it for that," I said politely, "but thank you. I just wanted to help those people in Myanmar the best I could."

She smiled. "And you did."

"Well, S.H.I.E.L.D. did."

"But you shared the truth, didn't you?" she reminded me. "Don't belittle this achievement."

I didn't know what to say, so I stayed quiet and watched as she took a seat at her desk chair.

"I heard that it was Quake who saved you back there," she said curiously. "You know, we've never actually gotten an interview with her. Nobody has."

Oh, so that's what she actually wanted.

"I thought, well, since you know her, you could get us an exclusive?" she asked.

I chewed on my lip. "Erm..."

"You don't have to," she added, noticing my reluctance. "But it could be good for everyone. The city can get to know its hero, you can get a great interview under your belt. And our paper gets all the views. What d'you say?"

I was beginning to regret putting that one quote from Daisy in my article now... I should have known Karla would want more. That was the thing with editors – you give them one taste and they want to eat the whole thing.

"I'll ask," I decided, which she seemed to love. "No harm in asking, but I can't promise anything."

Karla leaned back in her seat, nodding. "Very true. Thank you for understanding. I'll let you settle back into work now. Remember to take it easy, yeah? Don't want to lose my best journalist from overworking herself."

I smiled awkwardly as she laughed, before nodding in response and leaving her office.

It wasn't that I didn't want to interview Daisy, but I didn't want to ruin what we had by asking for a favour. Everything between us was going well, even if it was probably temporary and she'd have to leave soon. I assumed that anyway. And on top of that, I was certain I was falling in love with her again, just like I had nine years ago.

Could you blame me? It was impossible to just remain friends with her when she went through all this extra effort to make sure I was okay. Her kind, considerate, supportive self was always on my mind whether I liked it or not. A girl could dream, right?

After my first day back, Daisy picked me up outside. She insisted when she rang me at lunchtime to make sure I was okay, wanting to know everything about how my first day went. I couldn't find it in myself to say no, so I eventually found her sat on a chair in the lobby when I came downstairs after work.

#daisy johnson x you #daisy johnson #daisy johnson imagine #daisy johnson x reader #chloe bennet #quake #agents of shield #agent skye #marvel imagine #mcu

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humbughana · 4 years ago

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party’s over

Part Two of Second best

warnings: cursing per usual, mentions of sex, hidden feelings, bad writing (the horror), drinking. mean rafe once again.

words: like 2.5k

also this picture what the fuck I’m in love

I'm coming over.

Rafe had sent the message ten minutes ago when Lola looked at her phone finally and her heart sank. And it only declined from there as both of them jumped slightly when her front door opened and slammed shut; her name bounced through the house. She looked at the boy in her bed with panic, jumping over him to grab a shirt that fell down to her thighs as she opened her bedroom door to see none other than Rafe Cameron stomping up the stairs and when he noticed her, “where the hell have you been?”

She frowned, crossing her arms in front of her to try and figure out what his problem was, “I was here.”

“And you couldn't answer your damned phone?”

Lola sighed deeply, rubbing her temples as she cut off his path to her occupied room, “get out.” she pointed back down the stairs and she swore there was a look of hurt on his face but it was replaced too quickly when there was a slight thud in her room. Lola cringed as rafe’s face was one of confusion, “what was that?”

Panic bubbled over in her chest as he pushed past her, “nothing rafe! It was nothing!” She pawed at his shirt to hold him back but when he opened the door, it certainly didn’t look like nothing. The low laugh that left him made her want to crawl up and die, “nothing lo?” the taunting in his voice as he looked from the half naked boy sitting up in her bed to her in only his shirt stung, “I get it now.”

“rafe-”

“this is why you had to leave last night, to fuck some guy you barely know? And you think I'm the problem? You're just a hypocritical whore-”

Someplace inside her stalled at the words while her mind refused to process them for a moment but Jack stood up, “easy,” he put himself between the two of them and Rafe snorted at the action, “calm the fuck down.” She swayed slightly in shock barely noticing Rafe give her one last look before walking away. Lola jumped when the front door slammed, her chest felt heavy as her eyes watered again.

Jack pulled her into his chest when her palms went to cover her eyes before her first choked sob shook her shoulders.

She hated Rafe Cameron in this moment.

“Lola,”

She looked anywhere but the blonde boy sitting across from her at the brunch restaurant he took her to, it had been a whole two days since her incident with rafe and still nothing had changed. Radio silence on both of their ends. So she looked up from her untouched plate of strawberry pancakes at last, “Topper,”

“Whats going on?” he asked lightheartedly enough that she smiled a bit, “having breakfast with my favorite friend,” she grinned back and he only shook his head with a small smile. But it didn’t last long when Topper was involved, “I talked to Rafe.”

“Did you?” she mumbled, stabbing a piece of her food mindlessly.

“He asked about high school.” Topper spoke as if he was also confused why his best friend had brought it up; to be fair Lola was even surprised Rafe did as she proposed.

“what did you tell him?” she asked looking up again. Topper shrugged, “the truth. He did have a tendency to leave us all behind for whatever girl he was seeing. You always got the worst of it, Lo” She swallowed, looking back down at a loss but Topper filled the silence, “he said you got into a fight too.”

A fight, Lola laughed slightly, “you mean, he stomped into my house and yelled at me? Called me whore?” she leaned back and observed Topper's surprised expression; apparently his best friend left out some details.

The sweet boy in front of her frowned as if angry at his friend. “I didn’t know, Lola. He didn’t tell me that.” She only shook her head and told him it was fine before stabbing a piece of her pancake and plopping it into her mouth. When she swallowed Topper was still staring at her and she sighed, “it’s okay, top. Let’s just enjoy our day.”

“this is ridiculous. let’s just go inside,” Sadie whined, looking at the crowded house party. Lola just stared at the house from the street, biting her nails anxiously, “who cares if he’s here! Let's just get shitfaced and forget about him.”

Lola rolled her eyes finally, “a way with words, Sadie, really.” But nodded finally with a determined sigh, “let's do it.”

The girls stayed true to their words evidently as Sadie and Lola danced on top of each other in the packed living room, laughing and singing at the top of their lungs.

“Look!” Sadie nodded somewhere behind Lola and when she turned around, there was an attractive dark haired boy watching her. He nodded at her slightly with a smirk when Lola met his eyes; she gasped and turned back around with wide eyes, “Sadie!”

“Lola!” Her friend laughed, “He’s totally into you. Go talk to him.”

“I can’t,” she shook her head but couldn’t help the feeling of a thrill that someone wanted her. There was no sign of her usual friends here and it was refreshing to not be watched, Sadie’s eyes softened slightly understanding her hesitation. So she let it go with a shrug, “Lets go get another drink?”

Lola nodded, pushing her hair away from her face and making her way to the kitchen, discreetly stealing seltzers from the fridge with a sign that blatantly said ‘do not enter.’

“Can I help you ladies with anything?” The same boy was now leaning against the door frame with a knowing smirk on his lips. Lola swallowed, feeling slightly caught but shook her head with a grin as Sadie popped the tab of her drink as the sound filled the room.

He was roguishly handsome, his almost black hair slightly falling in his face, “Well, considering this is my house,” he trailed off, looking pointedly at Sadie who choked on her drink and the grin fell right off of Lola’s face.

“Fuck- sorry.” Sadie cringed slightly with a grimace and the boy just burst into laughter as the two girls still stood frozen.

“Forget it, keep the drinks.” he looked Lola over once more before smiling at Sadie. Both of their cheeks slightly flushed, still confused. And Sadie, ever the loud mouth, “I’ve never seen you before. You said this is your house?” She asked maybe a little too aggressively and he raised his eyebrows at her brashness. Lola hissed her name slightly at the girl, embarrassed, “Sorry,” she sighed.

He only shrugged, “We just moved here from the mainland.” It made sense, he knew a good amount of people but neither of them had met him before. Both of the girls nodded in understanding before Sadie smiled wide, “Welcome to the island then!” grabbing her stolen drink and walking past him, she clinked her can with his on the way out, leaving Lola alone with him. The wink Sadie sent over her shoulder had Lola burning up as the boy chuckled slightly, “I like her.”

“I’m sure she’d love to hear that.” Lola sipped her drink, anything to take the edge off as he watched her. She had flirted with boys before, hooked up with a few over the years but it had been awhile and to be honest; she had grown comfortable with Jack and her ongoing feud with Rafe.

So she would try, “What's your name? She asked sweetly and he cocked his head slightly, playing with her, “You come to my party and don’t even know my name?”

She playfully rolled her eyes, “I’m Lola,” The corner of his mouth quirked up, “I know.” She frowned, feeling defensive all of the sudden and it must have displayed on her face because he pushed off the wall and walked fully into the kitchen, “Nothing bad,” He shrugged now right in front of her, “It’s hard not to hear about you when you’re with Cameron.”

Lola nodded to herself, understanding how people knew her but it made her irrationally irritated in this moment, “I’m not with Rafe.” It might have come out too aggressively because he held up his hands in faux defense and an easy going smile, “That’s not what it looks like,” he shrugged and she grit her teeth.

“I’m. not.”

“Fair enough,” He watched her still and Lola shifted uneasily, “Aiden.”

“What?” her eyebrows furrowed.

He grinned, “My name. Aiden Carter.”

She had heard of his last name here and there but nothing substantial, obviously his family was very well off just by looking at his house that rivaled her own.

“Well, Aiden, as riveting as this has been, I'd rather get back to the party.” She copied Sadie on her exit and tapped her can on his with a playful eye roll, “See you around.” She added with a little smile over her shoulder.

Lola sifted through the crowd until a body slammed into hers with a little squeal in her ear, “Lo! He’s so hot!”

“Jesus christ, Sades.” Lola laughed slightly, steadying the two of them. Sadie only giggled manically before pulling her towards the beer pong table that was set up as Lola groaned, they weren't necessarily bad at it but both of them always ended up belligerently fucked up. They took their drinks more seriously than others, sipping their drinks every time their opponent made a cup; as you should, Sadie always said.

So the two girls were thrown into a new game against two boys they went to school with that seemed to take the actual game way too seriously. And like clockwork, Lola and Sadie lost, stumbling away from the table both leaning against one another.

“I need to pee!” Sadie spoke in her ear and Lola nodded but then groaned at the line to the downstairs bathroom, “Let's go upstairs.” Lola whispered with a sly smile and a finger over her lips, “Secretly!” Sadie giggled at the slurred words as both girls tried to be as inconspicuous as possible.

“Third door on the right,” Lola gasped dramatically, turning around on the staircase and almost tumbling back down to see Aiden, “The bathroom.” he nodded, looking slightly concerned but was amused nonetheless. Lola saluted him as if they were on a mission as Sadie tugged them upstairs.

“He’s nice.” Lola leaned against the sink as Sadie pulled down her skirt with a snort, “Yeah he probably wants to fuck you.”

“Why wouldn’t he want to fuck you?” Lola cocked an eyebrow as Sadie scoffed but left it alone. Lola sighed, the room beginning to spin as she realized she definitely drank one too many and didn't realize it, “Oh god,” Her hand covered her mouth, Sadie now washing her hands looked at her with knowing concern.

“Lo,” She murmured, “Just relax.” Her heavyweight best friend rested a hand on her back as Lola tried to breath through the feeling of impending doom as her stomach churned. Sadie only took the hair tie off her own hand and pulled Lola’s hair back in a low bun, “Just tell me what you want me to do. I can call Rafe or Topper or Kelce.” Lola’s head immediately shook back and forth but the movement sent her over the edge as Sadie helped her fall in front of the toilet as she threw up all of the alcohol.

“You’re getting better at this.” Sadie laughed as she tried to lighten the mood and Lola only groaned, leaning back on her heels, a sheen of sweat on her skin now. Lola sighed, still feeling sick, “I miss him.” Her lip wobbled slightly and her friend only sighed, pulling her hair back when she threw up again, “I know.”

Unbeknownst to Sadie, Lola had pulled out her phone and sent scrambled messages to Rafe, Topper, Eve, and Jack. She could barely read herself and just slid the phone back in her pocket before Sadie noticed.

A few moments later, Lola was laying on the cool ground, counting her breaths as Sadie continuously filled up the little paper cups that were in the bathroom with water and handed them to her, “I’m too drunk for this,” A knock at the door make Lola’s head pop up and Sadie turned to the door.

“Is everything okay?” Aiden’s voice sounded from the other side and Lola let out a soft groan as Sadie cracked open the door with a grimace, “I’m sorry,” The boy only pushed past her and they both looked down at Lola who laid a hand over her eyes, “Just kill me now. Leave me here to die.”

“Shut up,” Sadie kicked her leg in annoyance but Aiden just looked at both of them in exasperation, “Is someone coming to get you?” He asked, crossing his arms and Lola groaned again, “Don’t you dare call him, Sade. He hates me!”

“Oh my god,” Sadie mumbled as she spotted a tear on her friend's cheek. Aiden still stood there and Lola looked up at him, “Can’t we stay here? This house is huge, don't be greedy with your rooms,” Aiden coughed out a slight laugh, “Yeah that’s fine.” He nodded, looking back and forth between the two of them.

“C’mon Lo,” Sadie bent down to help the girl sit up to no avail until Aiden bent down and grabbed her around the waist and over his shoulder. Lola let out a giggle as she saw Sadie upside down as they entered a new room with a huge bed. Her head ached when Aiden dumped her on the bed and she bounced, “Thanks,” She deadpanned rubbing her forehead. Sadie turned to the boy as Lola zoned out again, pulling out her phone to faintly see the messages coming through.

Her messages to Topper included,

Lo: Hi top! we can still be friends without rafe right? i love u

Top: of course, lo. where are you?

Lo: party party

Top: call me

Lo: no xx

And then Eve who only laughed and asked for pictures. Jack had not responded just yet but her messages to Rafe made her sit up slightly, panic in her chest.

Lo: i miss u even tho you were so mean to me

Lo: are we even speaking?

Rafe: what’s wrong with you

Her eyes welled up as her drunken mind took it the wrong way,

Lo: i miss you, asshole.

Rafe: where are you?

Lola stalled as she looked at Sadie and Aiden still talking in the doorway but her phone began to ring in her hands. Her eyes widened as she saw Rafe’s contact pop up. Sadie narrowed her eyes but shrugged, “Answer it.” She pulled Aiden out of the room and closed the door behind her with a wink.

Lola hesitated before putting the phone to her ear, “Hello?” she mumbled, feeling shy all of the sudden. Rafe’s harsh voice boomed through the phone compared to her soft voice-

“Have you been drinking?”

Lola rolled her eyes at the only thing he said, “umm, yes, but-

Rafe cut her off, “Where are you?” the rustling around in the background made her uneasy

“Rafe-”

“What the fuck are you doing there?” He must have looked at her location that they shared with one another, Lola frowned, “Stop yelling at me,”

“I’m not yelling at you.” Rafe huffed and she heard the sound of his car starting, “I’m coming to get you,”

LOL so part three is the final part and is written as well. So we’ll see again :)

#rafe cameron #rafe #cameron #rafe outer banks #rafe obx

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atalho-s · 3 years ago

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Sweet Sugar

3 | Cruel Summer

pairing: tom holland x reader

warnings: swear words, underage drinking (not much tho, nothing descritive and nothing like “Skins” lmao), suggestive scenes in some chapters, not smut!! but minors be aware. Fluff/angst/drama/ Y/n and Tom being stupid teenagers with feelings.

words: 1.6

a/n: english it's not my first language, Sorry for any mistakes! If you want to be tag on the next chapters, please let me know

Summary: Y/n, Harrison and Tom has always been best friends. Since childhood they’ve always been close, but what happens if after a break up with her first boyfriend, she starts to feel something more about Tom?

PART 3! If you want to read the other parts click here

Don’t forget to check out the playlist by @petesrparker created for the series! here

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After a few minutes of crying I felt someone approaching and sitting beside me. I looked up, wiping my eyes, and saw a worried-looking Haz in front of me.

- What happened? Are you okay? I noticed you were missing from the dance floor. - he asked and wrapped one of his arms around me hugging me sideways.

- I’m okay Haz, I think I just got sick, that's all, it must have been the drink.

- Y/n... as you said: I know you from other life, and you didn't even drink much, now tell me, why are you crying? - I hated when he insisted like that, but it was fair, after all he was my brother at heart.

- Haz... I don't want to talk about it, it's so immature I don't even know how to explain it to you, I think it was just something of the moment.

- Did some idiot hurt you? Because I can go back there and...

- No! Nobody did any harm, it's okay... - I said, wiping some tears that insisted on falling.

- Y/n please tell me, I swear I won't tell anyone. You're not one to cry like that...

- I saw Tom kissing Meghan and I felt bad, ok? - I interrupted him, looking at the ground with shame that I had admitted that out loud.

Haz was silent for an infinite number of minutes, processing what I had just said, until he touched my shoulder, I looked at him and I could see the confusion in his eyes.

- Since when do you like Tom that way?

- I don't know the exact date, I just... I started to feel different about him a while after I broke up with Steven... But I think it's just something temporary, you know? Maybe because he is my best friend and treats me well, I ended up having a crush on him, I think that was it, but it will pass, I just need to distract myself with something else...

- Y/n are you sure it's something temporary? Well, I'm your best friend too and you never felt that way about me.

- Yeah, but I always saw you as my brother and Tom as my best friend... I can't explain it, I just know it's different, it always has been, but I'm sure this stronger feeling must be temporary, I just need some time.

- Darling... I'm so sorry. How about we go home? We can watch tv shows and forget about it.

- Are you sure Haz? You were talking to Gracie, I don't want to take you out of the party like that, especially from the side of your other half who I know one day you two will get married, live in a cabin in the woods, have several children and I'll be godmother to them. - I said and Haz laughed and I followed. Laughing after crying is one of the best feelings.

- Damn, you created a whole fanfic. - He said and now I wiped the tears of laughter. - But seriously, we can go, it's already midnight. - He said looking at the watch on his wrist - I'm just going to tell Gracie, so she doesn't think I forget about her and say that you're not feeling well and want to go home, how about that?

- Okay... but only because I'm feeling like crap. - I said pouting and he kissed my head hugging me tight.- I'll be right back, madam.

Haz then got up and went back inside and I took the opportunity to text my mother saying I would be at the Osterfields' house and she sent me an ok.

It took a few minutes and he came back waving for me to join him. I got up, going after him in the parking lot, as he didn’t drink, because he came with his car. We walked in, turning on the radio, and we heard Taylor Swift's Cruel Summer start to play, how ironic.

- Did Tom say something about us leaving? - I asked looking at him.

- No, actually he was busy... but I told Tuwaine and Gracie. - Haz said stopping at the red light.

-Hmm- I sighed trying not to imagine what Tom could be "busy" with. - And Gracie wasn't upset?

- No, I said it was an emergency and she understood. - He smiled in my direction squeezing my hand and I smiled.

- Thank you Haz, I don't know what it would be without you.

- I know, I'm awesome. - He spoke blinking.

- Oh god, I can't even try to say something nice for once. - I said rolling my eyes - But you're really awesome. - and he blew me a kiss in the air and I gave him a laugh shaking my head.

We arrived at Haz's house and Jenna welcomed me with open arms as usual.

We went to Haz's room and I helped him pull up and make the bed besides his own and he gave me a pair of pajamas that I could wear. I went into the bathroom and took off my defeat-smudged makeup and came back lying next to Haz on the top bed as we turned on the tv to a random show that was on. But, of course, we don't pay any attention, because we are talking the whole time.

-... So, Gracie said she liked my eyes a lot, and I didn't know what to do. - He said while we discussed the events of the night, ignoring Tom and company.

- Aww Hazzy, what a cute little cliché. - I said making a melted face. - And you didn't say anything?

- I just said thank you and I said hers were beautiful too, but I got nervous, that's when I realized you were gone and I went after you.

- Wow, I can't believe I ruined this perfect moment.

- Nah, don't even worry, I have all the time in the world, in fact she's from my class, so we still have a lot of opportunity to talk. - he said and I nodded yawning.

- Let's go to sleep? It's almost 3 in the morning. - He said turning off the TV and I gave a thumbs up scratching my eyes.

I jumped down to the bottom bed and covered myself, turning to the other side.

- Haz?

- Yeah?

- If you tell Thomas anything I'll kill you and desert you. - I said listening to him laugh and fell asleep right away.

********************************

The other day I woke up and looked to the side, seeing that Haz was still sleeping. I picked up my cell phone, stretching, and saw that it was almost noon. I got up quietly making sure that I was not making too much noise, went into the bathroom and put on my clothes from the night before. I needed to go home to take a shower and take the rest of that weird night.

I sat next to Haz nudging him until he blinked awake.

- Haz, I'm going, thanks for everything. - I said while he was returning to planet earth little by little.

- Already? Don't you want to have lunch first? - He said sitting on the bed.

- Thanks, but I need to go home, I have some work to finish too, see you tomorrow at school?

- Okay, but if you need anything call me. - He said and I agreed hugging him going towards the door.

- And promise you'll keep your mouth shut?

- I swear, cross my heart. -He said zipping his mouth and I pointed my index finger at him intimidating him.

I went downstairs and thanked Jenna, greeting Charlotte who had already woken up. I said goodbye to them and went out into the sun on a Sunday that I was miraculously doing in London. I walked home, went in, had lunch and went straight to my room, I wanted to stay in alone with my feelings. Was my period coming up? It's not possible that I'm feeling so bad.

I took a shower, changed into comfortable clothes and fell into bed, putting on some sad music to play, closed my eyes, trying to concentrate on the sadness.

A few minutes later I felt my cell phone vibrate with a message coming through.

I unlocked the screen and saw "Tommy 🤓 send you a message" written. I took a deep breath and opened it to look at what he had sent.

Tommy 🤓 says "Hi stranger! Why did you and Haz disappear yesterday? 😭"

Tommy 🤓 says "Tuwaine told me you weren't okay, I tried calling you guys and nothing..."

Tommy 🤓 says "Is everything alright?"

I rolled my eyes reading the messages and at the same time not wanting to respond, but started typing.

Y/N 🌻 says "Everything it’s okay, don’ worry 😊 I think some drink went wrong and I felt a little sick, but nothing to worry about, rlx"

Y/N 🌻 says "The party was great! Too bad I couldn't stay longer..."

I think I was a good liar.

Tommy 🤓 says "Damn it, but I'm glad you're ok, the party was really great! I've already posted the photos on insta. There some really weird ones... 😂"

Y/N 🌻 says "I can imagine 😂"

Tommy 🤓 says "I have a really strong hangover right now, I'm going back to sleep, want to come over later? I want to tell you some things that happened ��"

Sure Tom, I'm going to your house so you can tell me everything about your wonderful night with Meghan, sure.

Y/N 🌻 says I'd like to, but my stomach's still kind of bad from yesterday 😭 so I'll just stay here, see you tomorrow?"

I told him to avoid him to come at my house.

Tommy 🤓 says "Okay 🥺, take care! See you tomorrow shortie!"

He said and I sent a "😘" blocking the screen. I lay on my stomach and buried my head on the pillow wanting to scream. Tom seemed happy and excited to tell me the "things" from last night, why couldn't I be happy for him? Damn feelings!

I think what I had to do was sleep, eat chocolate, put on a really cliche romantic comedy movie, wait to see if my period would come down (why was I being so dramatic? It could only be that) and pray that monday I would be better.

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#tom holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland fanfic #tom holland fluff #tom holland angst #tom holland x reader #tom holland x y/n #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland friends to lovers #tom holland series

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jarofstyles · 4 years ago

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SK8ER BOI IV- Aerial

A/N: THE FINALE!!! Ugh we love these two so much, however, it definitely is a long shot for a highschool fic BUT it’s fun to pretend no? ✨- n + d

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masterlist

pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

warnings: smut, making up

word count: 8.8k

Y/N knew she fucked up, she fucked up so bad. She had pushed Harry away when she needed him most all because she was insecure? All because she thought that he’d think less of her and leave? Her worst nightmare came to life anyway, she did that to herself. She’d gone home early, catching a ride with Amber and well, Timothée didn’t seem to notice. Y/N was going to break up with him the next time she saw him, she was positive. It was all just a matter of time before it happened.

Getting the text from Harry the next morning did surprise her. She thought she wouldn’t hear from him but... he said he had to show her something important? What could it be? She got dressed pretty quickly, not really thinking about how she looked, she just hopped in her bike and rode over. She was nervous to see him, would he still be upset with her? Of course, but she had stopped at the shop to get some snacks and a teddy bear to say that she was sorry.

Harry has showered and gotten dressed rather quickly, knowing she would be over quickly. He knew this would upset her. Not okay because Timothée would technically be lying to her but because it was to Harry. The guy she had gotten close to. He cleaned up his room even though he wasn’t sure she would want to come up there at all, waiting downstairs. When the bell rang, he was quick to answer and let her in. She had a shopping bag with her but he didn’t pay that any mind, bringing her closer into the house. Thank god his parents weren’t home today.

“Listen, I know you’re pissed with me but I woke up to this. You needed to see if. If I sent you a screenshot you may think I’m lying so I needed you to open it up yourself.” He shoved his phone at her, unlocked. “Instagram. The top message.”

Y/N parked her bike and went inside as usual, being greeted by the kitties but Harry spoke before she could even react to them. She furrowed her brows, taking his phone from him and opened up Instagram. Timmy? She looked up at Harry with brows furrowed, seeing him nod so she opened the message.

‘Heeeeeyyy Harry, know this is random and all but like... you’re so fucking hot’

‘I wanted to talk to you last night, didn't get the chance to’

‘but if you ever want me to suck your dick I can’

Y/N couldn’t believe what she was reading. Timmy? Sent that? To him? Last night? She swallowed thickly and just read over it a few times. He really didn’t bother telling her? Was just going to cheat behind her back and lead her on? Granted, she was cheating too, but at least she was trying to talk to him and cheating.. she didn’t want to do that. Y/N was speechless, looking up at Harry like a babbling fish. She wasn’t going to cry though, no. Y/N just had what she needed now to break up with him and she would. But not before she talked and apologized to Harry.

“I woke up and I saw those.” Harry swallowed. “And like, obviously I’m not your favorite person right now and I get if you want to leave now cause you saw but I had to show you. I’m not gonna answer but he should know M’gonna show you.” There was no denying it. Considering Y/N and Harry were very obviously getting close to begin with, it was something he was certain he would know. Why him out of all people? He didn’t know. “And I’m just.. wondering if he’s been doin’ that to other guys too that he knows do stuff so like... I just wanted to show you. I know we haven’t been doing much better and that like, cheating isn’t good to begin with but yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck. Damn. This was hard.

Y/N nodded her head, “no, thanks for telling me.” She said with a soft voice, letting out a small sigh as she handed him his phone back. “I can’t be too mad at him, or I'd be a hypocrite.” Y/N explained and let out a breath, “I’ll... I’ll talk to him later...” She said and then looked down at her bag. “I um...” Y/N started and started bringing up the bag. “I wanted to apologize though... it wasn’t fair of me to talk to you like that when you were just trying to be a good friend... you mean a lot to me and I hate knowing that I made you upset, that I made you feel like I didn’t want to hang out with you anymore...” She reached into her bag to get out a teddy bear that was holding a star. Originally she just went in to get the snacks but then she saw the bear sitting there and she knew she had to buy it. It reminded her so much of Harry and she hoped he liked it. “Will you forgive me?” She asked holding the teddy bear out for him. “I also got some snacks.....”

There was a little star on it. Harry wasn’t one for receiving gifts but this made him feel fond. How she knew him even though it hadn’t been that long.

“Oh... you didn’t have to get me anything.” He murmured. He would cherish that bear till the day he died. It was thoughtful and lovely. “Course I forgive you. I just.. I hope you know I’m not some dickhead who’s out to get you.” He whispered. “I just want you to be happy. Whether it’s hanging around me or with him. I just hate seeing you sad.” He felt a bit vulnerable. She had tapped into his softer side with the star holding bear. It would be a treasured item of his. “Did you want to stay? Or go figure your stuff out?” He asked. He understood if she needed time to think alone.

“I know, but I wanted to.” She said shyly, pushing a piece of her hair away from her face. “You’re not a dickhead Harry, never thought you were.” Y/N wrapped her arms around him in a hug. She really did miss him, it had been a while since they hung out now that the project was over and because they had that little fight. “Can I stay? Missed you..” and she had. Y/N just wanted to sit around and listen to music and talk with him for hours. Catch up on the stupid shit Niall and Zayn said, maybe watch a movie while they ate their snacks, or they could just be munchies for him to have on his own when she inevitably went to talk to Timothée. “I’m gonna talk to him later..” Y/N repeated herself, pulling out her phone to text him saying they needed to meet up and have a chat. Timothée had agreed, probably knowing what the chat was going to be about because he’d never responded so quickly to her.

Harry kisses the top of her head tenderly. It was hard to refrain from being physically affectionate with her. She called to the caring bits of him and he wanted her to be happy to sit around and be held by him.

“Course you can stay. Come on.” He grabbed her bag of snacks and carried them up with Y/N and the kitties following behind her eager for pets. It was good to have her back in his bed. To sit next to her while they munched on chips and have her curl up next to him. Her hand held his shirt as they watched some sort of documentary about true crime, and he was happy as hell just to have her there. His mind did wander. Could he ever have this for good? Have it so he could tell her sweet things and not have it be weird or crossing a line? Things felt like they were back to normal, the two of them cuddled up on his bed all comfy cozy and snacking. Y/N could stay like this forever she felt like. Her mind was now made up. She thought that she would be more upset about it all but now that she had something that solidified her beliefs? She didn’t feel so bad anymore.

Y/N had spent the last 10 minutes of the documentary just admiring him. She’d missed being this close to him and of course, she missed kissing him, missed having his hands on her and hearing those sexy grunts of his. She couldn’t hold back anymore, she just cupped his cheek and turned his attention to her, leaning up to kiss him hungrily. Y/N just wanted to feel it again, feel him and connect with him, needed to remember what made her feel so good before she went to break up with Timmy.

When she kissed him, Harry immediately felt better. Knowing she wanted to kiss him again and didn’t regret anything they did soothed him fully, grabbing her waist and pulling her closer to him as he turned so he could kiss her. It was smooth and hot, her tongue against his as he got into her mouth. His hand held her back and kept her close to him, humming happily at the kisses she gave him. He missed it. Even a week of no kissing had made him sad, so to have it back meant a lot. When they pulled apart, he hid his face in her neck to breathe her in. It was warm and she smelled sweet and just like her. He needed that comfort. Needed her affections.

Y/N’s heart felt full again, he’d kissed her back with just as much passion and desire. He had missed her just as much as she missed him and that within itself was comforting. Her hands carded through his hair as he nuzzled against her neck, pressing kisses to the side of his head. Y/N was holding him tight, breathing steadying as she finally felt the calm overcome her. She didn’t say anything though. It was an unspoken thing that the two of them both knew they’d missed each other a lot, that the both of them needed this and just needed to hold and kiss each other like they were meant to. Y/N didn’t want to do anything until it was confirmed that she was broken up with Timothée despite it being that way in her head. Y/N could dare say she loved him but it had only been a month. They did have a very strong connection, that much was undeniable. She looked at him as he pulled back from her neck and pressed a few soft and gentle kisses across his face. Her angel. He had no idea how special he really was to her.

Harry scrunched his nose when she put a kiss on it, letting out a silent laugh. She was spoiling him with attention and it felt rather good. He couldn’t deny that. She had him by the balls. It wasn’t like he was going to open and spill his guts about how much he liked her— but he did. He liked her a lot. Y/N was lovely and soft and sweet to him, she kissed incredibly well, he loved her body and being intimate with her. It was like she pulled up on every stop.

“Mm. Feels nice.”

He wondered if she could potentially be his first girlfriend. Proper one. Where he kissed her every day and brought her to school and had her sleep over, made love to her. He wasn’t sure if she would be down for that but maybe eventually. He could wiggle his way into her heart if he was lucky enough.

Y/N smiled fondly at him, pushing pieces of his hair back behind his ear. She pressed another kiss to his lips, letting out a hum. “Please don’t cut your hair...” Y/N spoke softly, pressing another kiss to his cheeks and then his nose. “I mean, I know you’ll have to eventually but.. keep it long, it looks really nice.” After spending a week apart she really just wanted to shower him in affection, tell him all the things she was too scared to say before. She almost lost him. Y/N had long forgotten about the documentary, just focusing on him now. Had he somehow gotten more handsome? Or was she just even more fond of him than ever before? “I’m going to go talk to him, yeah?” She whispered softly, “just want to get it out of the way. I’ll go talk to him and I’ll come back and... and I’ll spend the night if you’d like? I would really like to..” Y/N spoke with blushy cheeks. It was all hitting her pretty hard, but she couldn’t tell him how she felt yet.

“Yeah.. can come back and sleep here.” Harry hadn’t woken up next to her in a while and he missed it. He missed her a lot. It wasn’t that long but he was starting to realize things that he hadn’t before. Things were becoming clearer. Like his feelings for her. He kissed her a few more times at the door, holding the back of her neck to keep her there. He didn’t want her to go but she would be coming back to him quickly and he was looking forward to it. “If you... if you want to, Tonight... we can.” He was dying to fuck her. Dying. And once she was free from him, if she was in the mood? He could more than ever give her a good time. That's what she deserved. “If not that’s fine too but... yeah.” He shrugged. Gently letting her go. “Call me if you don’t want to bike back. I’ll come and get you.”

Y/N looked at him stunned. He wanted to? he really meant what he said when he gave her his ultimatum? She nodded her head as he let her go, cheeks flushed. “Okay.” She answered shyly, deciding she would have plenty of time to think about it once she got back from Timothée’s house.

----

The bike ride over was spent thinking about what on earth she was going to say. Y/N knew she had every right to be mad but she also wanted to be there for him. What if he had no one else to go to? Well, at least there would be no more wondering after today. They were finally going to lay it all out on the table.

“Hey.” She spoke as he opened the door, stepping inside and following him to his room. Y/N was incredibly nervous, but she had to stay calm. “So.. look, I don’t want to argue, but Harry showed me the DMs you sent him and I just... I wish you told me. I already knew but I didn’t want to push you to come out to me if you weren’t ready but... I care about you timmy, I want to be there for you.”

His face fell.

“You saw, huh?” Timothée was hopeful maybe Harry wouldn’t show her but, his loyalties lie with Y/N. As they probably should. He didn’t know what to say. It was terrifying. “Please don’t tell anyone. Please ask him not to tell anyone either. I was drunk and it just came out and I’m sorry. To both of you. But please just... I’m not ready to tell people. I messed up.” He was obviously scared. “I know I’m an asshole. I know I should have told you but I don’t want anyone to know cause, I’m not able to deal with it myself.” He swallowed thickly, looking down. Y/N and Harry basically had his life in the palm of their hands.

“Hey, hey, hey...” Y/N frowned and went to wrap her arms around him in a hug. “You’re okay...” She whispered, petting his head gently to calm him down. “I wasn’t planning on telling anyone and Harry isn’t either...” Y/N wanted him to know that they respected his wishes. “Just really hurt me, you know? Cause I just wanted to be there for you... I understand why you didn’t tell me, but I thought of all people, you could trust me, ya know?” Y/N explained calmly, “I’m not mad at you... cause I have something to tell you too.” She was nervous to tell him but hey, she had every right to do what she did knowing now that he was gay. She was never more than a friend to him. “Harry told me cause um... he and I have been um... doing stuff.”

“Stuff?” Not only was his girlfriend— or ex girlfriend? Aware that he’s gay. She was with the guy he wanted. It sucks. So bad. “Oh...” Timothée wasn’t angry at her for the cheating aspect. More so because that meant Harry wasn’t going to want him. It was common knowledge that Harry fucked around a lot and it didn’t matter what gender. He liked that about him. It was jealousy. “Really? I mean... I know I wasn’t touching you and I’m sorry if I made you feel badly about it but... how did that even happen?” He hurt. Was sad. But she wasn’t angry at him. He couldn’t be angry about doing nearly the same thing.

Y/N nodded her head, knowing it must have hurt him because well... he did send that message for a reason. “It’s okay, I get why now...” She started, smiling a little at the thought of her and Harry. “I’ve um.. I had a crush on him for a long time and like... when we had to work together for the project I was um... yeah, it just happened.” Y/N blushed shaking her head a little because she was telling her ex boyfriend, who was gay, that she had been cheating on him. “You like him a lot don’t you?” Y/N could tell, it hurt her knowing he was struggling internally and hurting, but her feelings were valid too. “I’m sorry... but, we’ll find you a really nice boy yeah? Whenever you are ready. Promise.” She said, taking his hand. “I want to be okay again... still wanna be your friend and stuff. Can tell people we just grew apart if that’s what you’d prefer.” Y/N said and squeezed his hand a little, “Whatever you need.” She wanted to be there for him, she really did. “Harry and I aren’t official or anything... obviously... so, that won’t be a thing for a bit...”

“Yeah— Uh, we can do that.” Timothée said softly. It was two hits with one knife and it hurt. It sucks. But at least Y/N didn’t hate him. He was so worried she would. And that she wouldn’t ever talk to him again. “You really don’t hate me?” He was astonished. He had hidden a part of himself from her for a while and pushed her away over and over because of it and it had to have hurt. But she was offering to help him and get him a boyfriend? “I would hate me.” He was glad she didn’t though, accepting her gentle affection. “I’m sorry. That I made you feel like you were annoying. You weren’t. I was just... not able to give you what you wanted. I understand why you went to him.”

Y/N let out a chuckle, “no, I don’t hate you Timmy.” She said softly and let out a sigh. “I thought it was me for a long time... thought that maybe I wasn’t sexy enough for you or that maybe you just weren’t into me like that but didn’t want to hurt my feelings. But I could tell after a while because there was no chemistry like that, could tell I made you uncomfortable.” She explained with a sad sigh. “Kind embarrasses now actually thinking about it...” Y/N blushed and shook her head, “but yeah... I was really upset, I hated that you didn’t talk to me and yeah I was upset with you and angry but I could never hate you. Knew that you weren’t doing this on purpose...” She didn’t want to hurt his feelings or rub it in but she wanted him to know that even though he hurt her and couldn’t be there for her, Harry was. “He’s been really nice to me... Makes me feel really special and beautiful and... I really like him.” Y/N spoke and let out a sigh, “he doesn’t know that but..”

Timmy and Y/N continued their conversation as Harry ran to the store. He got condoms, he got some breakfast food for the next day, he also got a lollipop for her. It was cotton candy and reminded him of her. He quickly came back and fixed the house and changed his sheets to new ones. He wanted it seamless as possible if she was wanting him too. If she wanted to make love. If she didn’t, he would gladly just relax with her and be happy that they could finally move forward with their shit. Thank god.

‘Hey, just a time check. Are you coming soon?’ He texted her, hoping she wasn’t in the middle of deep conversation with him. He was antsy and wanted her home with him. Wanted to have her strip down and change into maybe one of his shirts. He wanted to feel a bit of ownership.

Once Y/N was positive that Timmy was okay, she felt good. Much better about everything. “Hey. I love you.” She smiled and gave him a hug, “you’re gonna be okay. Promise.” She told him and then looked down at her phone. Harry. He was so cute her heart could burst. He was checking up on her and making sure she was okay. Her sweet angel. “I gotta go though, yeah? I’ll see you at school.” She said and gave him a sweet smile, “if you need anything just shoot me a text.” Y/N cooed and made her way over to her bike.

‘On my way back now 💓’

And she was off.

It was while she was riding back to Harry’s that she realized what he had told her earlier. How he said he wanted to if she wanted to. The idea of it made her mind stomach erupt into a fit of butterflies. She was single now. Single and ready to be Harry’s whenever she decided to tell him how she felt. If he wanted her.

Harry had told her to let herself in. He had been cooking for them. Just quesadillas and some rice but he knew she needed some food in her. He felt a hand run over his back and smiled to himself as he felt her sneak under his arm.

“Hi.” He leaned down to kiss the top of her head. It was immediately a lot better. He felt like a weight was off his shoulders. She was here and single and he could do whatever he wanted to her. Perhaps it was reckless because he didn’t know how she truly felt but he would take anything at this point. He had a feeling she wasn’t going to want to fully discuss what had just happened so instead, he handed her a plate he had already made before taking his food off of the pan and sliding it on the plate for himself. “Where do you want to eat?”

“Can we eat on the roof? I wanna watch the sunset.” Y/N thought it would be really romantic and nice and if they were going to do stuff then well... she wanted to get them into the romantic mood. Of course with them it always took just one word and suddenly the two of them couldn’t get their hands off of each other. Since hanging out with Harry, she had become a lot more vocal in bed or a lot more okay with being vocal in bed. She still got shy asking about stuff from time to time, but he was pretty good at encouraging her. They had pretty much done all the basics except for actually vaginal penetration and well... she had yet to give him a blow job.

“I know you’re wondering.” Y/N spoke, deciding to let him know. “Timmy and I are good... he apologized, asked that we don’t tell anyone about it. Our story for breaking up is that we grew apart and out of love. He was really scared... but I’m glad that things worked out.”

“Good. Hope he knows M’not gonna out him to anyone or anything but you.” He wasn’t that type. “I know I’ve been open about not giving a shit what gender I would used to fuck around with but I know not everyone is lucky enough to have that mindset or be open about it.” Pussy had always been a favorite though. While he did fuck guys, he was more into women. “I’m glad that you’re better though. Have more clarity. Feel better about it.” He did feel a lot better about it now. Knowing she was going to be single now. He could try and say how he felt without saying it. “Also.. my mum comes home this week. If you wanted to stay over on the weekend again— she’s cool, she’ll like you. My parents don’t get weird about like, sex or alcohol. They always said if they didn’t let us experiment that we would find unsafe ways to do it. Granted... I’ve never had someone over to do anything, but you’re different. She’ll love to have you over.”

Y/N always knew about how he didn’t mind who he had sex with, it didn’t really bother her either because it was none of her business anyway as long as he stayed loyal to her. Fuck— she hated that in her mind he was already hers, felt like her breaking things off with Timmy meant they were together but things didn’t work like that.

“You want me to meet you mom?” She was shocked because she knew his family meant a whole lot to him. They didn’t seem to be home a lot but when they were it was likely a big deal. He was already inviting her back over to meet his mom? “I’d love to.” Y/N smiled softly, “I um... I gotta give my mom an excuse though.” Maybe if Y/N explained the situation to her mom she’d let her go. Her mom would likely be skeptical of Harry but if she knew just how smart he and how nice his family was she definitely wouldn’t have a problem with it.

“You can come up with something.” He shrugged. She always did. Y/N was at his house during the weekends but didn’t always sleep over. It would be fun if she could stay the whole weekend.

“My dad isn’t gonna be home yet but honestly... probably better. He’s full of jokes.” He laughed. “I don’t want you to be overwhelmed. I just think if we’re gonna hang out more, it’ll be cool for you to know my family.” See if they got along. Granted, it didn’t matter but he knew Y/N would get along with his sister and mum. No doubt. “They’re in and out. My mom goes on book tours. Dad is home more but since we’re older and don’t need to be home as much, he either goes with my mum or works more. It’s kinda cool. He was around a lot when we were kids.” He had a good family.

Y/N felt her heart flutter, it made her happy to know he wanted her around. If she was special enough for her to meet the family, that meant something right? “That’s really nice... They seem really cool, I’d love to meet them.” She said honestly as she finished up her meal. “Thank you for dinner, it was very good... I didn’t know you could cook.”

She was beginning to realize there was a lot that she didn’t know about Harry, but there were lots that she did know and loved. She could see the two of them going really far together, felt like the two of them really clicked and got each other. From day one they just seemed to get each other. He was great. She wanted him to know that, wanted him to understand how thankful she had been for the past month that they’d spent together. Harry had taught her so much about herself and what she wanted and showed her what it felt like to be truly adored and cared for. She decided that she would give herself to him tonight. She was already his anyway.

“C’mon. Let’s watch something else. Getting cold out here.” Harry wouldn’t be able to see many stars since it was getting cloudy out and he was more concerned with getting her in his bed and kissing on her for a while. They brought their plates inside and Harry left her in the bed as he went down to put the dishes away. He came back up to see her laying upside down, a smile rising to his face. “Alright, silly bunny. If you’re staying here, gotta be comfy, hm?” He walked to his drawer and grabbed a tee shirt of his. “You want boxers with this? Sweats?”

Y/N smiled and rolled over so she could sit up properly, looking at him with a raised brow. “Do I need them?” She asked with a raised brow, deciding that she’d be just fine in a T—shirt and panties. She decided to change in front of him, seeing as it wasn’t really much. Y/N took off her jeans and slipped off her sweater, pulling on his shirt and took her bra off from under it. She folded her clothes and put them off to the side as usual, climbing up into bed. Y/N could see the look on his face but she wasn’t sure why he was so surprised. It was then that she remembered that when they first met she would never do something like that. Now though? She was entirely comfortable around him, she could be naked all she wanted with him. He made her feel beautiful. “What?” She giggled, sitting up and crossing her legs, smiling as muffin came to get her pets and cuddled from Y/N. “Hi sweet girl.” Y/N cooed, scratching behind the kitties ears. It was here that Y/N felt most comfortable and most at home. With Harry.

It was odd. That he felt so comfortable with her. That this was normal and cool and comfortable and he was happy to see her on his bed.

“Nothing. I just like seeing you in my stuff.” Harry never had wanted anyone in his bed or his clothes and looked so comfortable. When he got into the bed, muffin ran off, looking annoyed Harry had interrupted her cuddles. He was quick with grabbing Y/N’s waist and hauling her to sit on his lap as he sat against the headboard, pulling her against him. “Mm. Hi.” He murmured. His kisses started at her cheeks and moved down her jaw, her neck. He bit down gently, knowing he couldn’t mark her just yet. Not visibly anyways. “You look really good, wearing my stuff.” He muttered, hands not shy about going underneath the shirt and holding her hips. He had taken his shirt off before getting into bed. He usually always kept something on, even if it was a tank top. But there he was in sweats and nothing else and Y/N felt her heart in her throat it was beating so heavy. Y/N squeaked a bit, placing her hands on his bare chest and hummed.

“You look really good... not wearing a shirt.” She mumbled out shyly, relaxing into his kisses and touches. Her heart was so full, she couldn’t believe it. Here with him, alone with no worries at all. It was then against the world. They were untouchable together. Y/N let her hand tug at the roots of his hair, making him look at her properly again. She wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him how she felt so bad, she didn’t want him to think that she just wanted him for sexual favors, she loved hanging out with him too. Y/N wanted to show him, wanted him to understand.

“Wanna make you feel good..”

Harry hadn’t let her touch him at all, in the sense of pleasing him. Sure, he had cum all over her but he hadn’t had her mouth on him. It had felt too intimate oddly enough. He was worried that no one else would compare if she never broke up with him. Now? All bets were off.

“Yeah... okay.” He murmured. “We can try that.” All other times had been no. “Just...” he was surprised at how eager she was to get in between his thighs, looking eagerly up at him as her hand rested on his waistband. Had she truly been this deprived? “Okay— okay, bunny.” He smiled. “Go ahead. Do you want me to tell you want to do or do you just wanna... explore.”

Y/N hadn’t expected him to agree so easily, of course she was eager to get his pants off and do as she pleased. She’d never done it before but she knew the basics. No teeth, take as much as you can, the tip is most sensitive. Y/N looked up at him with a bright smile, finding a place between his thighs.

“Wanna find out for myself...” She spoke with a blush, “want to see what makes you feel the best.” Y/N explained, hands moving to pull his pants down. She was met with his cock which was rather big even soft, but she could tell that he was getting hard just watching everything unfold. She had remembered how he said he liked a mess, so she gathered as much spit as she could and let it drip down onto his cock. Y/N kept eye contact with him, moving her hand to wrap around him gently, adding a little pressure when she got a positive reaction.

Harry could die happy. Already. His breathing got heavy as he looked down at her, spitting thickly on his cock and stroking him slowly, watching his face.

“Yeah... I like that.” He whispered as she got him messy. Spreading her spit on him, she looked lusty and excited to finally be touching him. He thinks perhaps this is the claiming rights. That she knew in her head that it was her cock now. Hers to lick and suck and ride whenever the fuck she wanted. Because there was no way he could say no to her now. “That’s good.” He felt himself get harder. It wasn’t difficult. Y/N got him aroused so easily. So perfectly too. She was a wet dream. “I’ve thought about this so many times.”

Y/N was happy to hear him react to her actions. He was always vocal in bed and she loved that, especially when he was stroking her ego. She let more spit travel down his cock until she felt him get hard in her hand, being bold enough to lick from the base to the tip. His moan was music to her ears.

“I love it when you make noise for me...” Y/N hummed, going back in with her tongue all innocently moving up and down his cock just seeing what he liked best. It wasn’t until she started focusing on that little spot right on his tip that she realized the power she held. She remembered the first time he pleasured her, how he was relentless and continued on doing exactly what made her twitch the most. So she did the same, sucking and licking at his cock, taking as much as she could at a time.

“Fuuuck me. That’s it, Y/N. Good girl.” Harry hissed. His hand was on her head, gently caressing her hair and watching her tongue lick over the spot and suck when she felt like it.

“Nothing is prettier than that mouth stretched around my cock. Hm— not until I get inside your cunt and make you feel it. But you’re doing so well. Driving me mad.” He muttered, helping her move her head down a bit lower when she felt like it. He gently fisted her hair, not pushing too hard but having a steady grip of it. He liked that bit of power he had even if he wasn’t using it yet. He loved having this type of power. She was suckling at the tip of his cock, tongue rubbing against the most sensitive spot. “You gonna let me inside of you today? Or not yet, baby?”

Y/N was very much enjoying sucking on his cock. It was satisfying getting a reaction out of him and his praises made her feel even more special. She was getting the hang of it too, felt like if she did this more often she’d be a pro, but she was just taking it easy and seeing where it went.

Her mouth popped off of him when he asked, looking up at him with wide eyes.

“You wanna?” She asked, feeling herself get all blushy. “I—I know you said it earlier but..” Y/N sat up properly but let her hand continue working over his cock. Of course Y/N wanted to let him inside. God, she’d been begging him to fuck her for weeks now and he was finally giving her what she wanted. It was her virginity, but she still felt special when he said he would be her first. She knew he would be gentle and would make it really romantic for her.

“I’ve wanted to for weeks. I wanted to fuck you the first day. But I had to wait and now... I can.” Harry wanted her pussy so badly. Of course he had fucked before but this was different. There was emotion and heat and everything in it. He knew that she would love it. “It’s up to you if we do or not, darling. I’m happy with your mouth on my cock. Can lick out your little holes too, if that’s what you’d like to do instead.” He offered. Y/N deserved that. The choice was hers. “I just want to be buried in you. S’gonna be so good. And then... I can take you everywhere. In my car, at the skate park behind the tree... I want to have you so many places. Mark them like that.” He purred. Maybe she would be adventurous with him.

“I—I want to.” Y/N nearly choked out from excitement, “I want it so bad.” Y/N knew that he’d take really good care of her like he always did. He’d make sure she was comfortable and make sure she felt beautiful and cared for and special and just all of those good things he always did. She understood that when having sexual for the first time you bond with that person in a way, grow attached. Y/N wouldn’t mind growing attached to Harry because she already has. She felt like when he was finally inside of her, she could really show him how she felt about him, feel as close as humanly possible to him and feel entirely wrapped up in him. It was that level of intimacy... she wanted it so bad. She moved up so she was on top of him, straddling his lap with her clothes cunt pressed against his cock. “Want you to take me..” Make me yours. She wanted to add, but she hoped her eyes could communicate that for her.

“I will. Let’s get you prepped, hm?” Harry gently rolled them over so he was on top. He moved down her body, kissing over the clothes and stopping at her panties. Placing a kiss right over the mound, he pulled the panties down her legs to reveal her cunt. “Always wet for me.” He felt pride in that. Especially because she was always soaked and he barely had to do anything to get her that way. Granted, it was the same for him. “Good girl. I love this cunt.” He rubbed his cock against it as he moved back up her body. He had grabbed a condom and gently ripped it open, sliding it onto his length. One day he would do it without the covering but he wasn’t sure if she was on the pill or not. Didn’t want to ask. “S’gonna feel odd. Hurt a little, maybe but it’ll stop once I’m all the way in. It’s normal. Once I get going it’ll feel a lot better. I promise, I’ll make it good. I’ll make you cum.”

Y/N looked up at him and nodded, watching as he rolled the condom on. He was now properly naked and she still had her shirt on. He had yet to see her tits bare... they’d always done stuff with clothes somewhat still on. So she sat up and pulled her shirt off, she wanted to be skin to skin.

“Okay..” She laid back down and got comfortable, cupping his cheek as she looked up at him. Y/N didn’t think she would want to be doing this with anyone else, it was all so real. All the weeks that they’d spent together, every sexual act they did lead up to this. She gasped a little when he pushed in, squeezing her eyes shut a bit at the discomfort but it passed after a few seconds. Y/N softened, trying her best to relax. It was... an interesting feeling to say the least. He was slowly filling her up, touching places she’d never touched before herself. “H—harry..” She whimpered, arms hooking under his shoulders.

“I know baby. I know. S’a lot.” Harry knew it would be overwhelming. Especially because he was so big. She was quite tiny in the pussy and he knew that it would be uncomfortable at first. “Just hold on to me.” Pressing kisses to any spot he could reach, he was trying to soothe any discomfort as he finally sunk all the way in. A deep groan of pleasure left him as he finally did fill her up. She was clenching like crazy and it felt ungodly good, but he needed her to relax. “Just relax around me, baby. Know s’hurting a little bit, focus on how good it feels. You’re full of me, yeah? Feels good to be full.” He knew that would be a different way of looking at it for her. He hoped that this was going to be as good for her as it would be for him. “There you go, bunny. Relax yourself. Feels better.” He moved slightly and she whimpered again. “Want me to move a little? Get you used to it?

Y/N was taking slow deep breaths, trying her best to relax herself around him. She let out a happy whine at his kisses, loving how warmth sprouted wherever he placed them. She felt more at ease with them.

“‘m so full..” She breathed, “feel you in my belly, daddy.” She always thought people were joking when they said that it changed you chemically, but Y/N was definitely much more soft and floaty, more willing to listen to him. “Feels good.” She told him, letting out a little ‘Mhm’ when he asked if she wanted him to move.

“Oh—”

He hit a spot. She wasn’t sure what it was because she’d never felt anything like that before, but it felt so incredibly good. The more he moved the more she began getting used to the feeling of him stretching her out. There was something so erotic about the little noises she was letting out. So repetitive, every time he was hitting that spot deep inside of her. ‘Oh’ and ‘uh’ and ‘daddy’ with the whimpers, shaking slightly in his hold.

“That’s it. You’re taking it so well. Said you can feel me in your precious little tummy?” Harry hummed, hips gliding in deeper so she could feel the full effect of it. It was beautiful. He couldn’t get over it. She was giving him every little bit of her body. He was kissing on her and whispering sweet and dirty things. “Best pussy, baby. Feels so good. So right and wet... love filling you up. Gonna feel me for days.”

Y/N was overwhelmed with feelings. They seemed to keep flooding in the more she thought about how Harry was making love to her. With slow, long, accurate thrusts he was gently coaxing it out of her. The part of her that is human and was born to do this.

“Can go faster...” She breathed, wanting him to speed up a bit now that she had properly gotten used to the feeling of him inside of her. He was so good to her, so patient with her, and knew exactly what she needed in any given moment. They’d bonded so much and this was just solidifying it. They were very much going to be a part of each other’s lives. Y/N was a moaning mess once he got a rhythm going, writhing in pleasure beneath him. “It’s so— oh daddy!” She whined, clenching around him when he hit a particularly good spot. “You’re—” She wasn’t one to talk dirty, but she wanted to. She wanted to learn and be dirty for him.

Getting Y/N to babble dirty things was a highlight for sure. Harry was going faster now, harder. She was warmed up and ready to take more. He was fucking into her eagerly, whispering filth to her.

“That’s what I like. Precious little cunt clenching around me like that. You’re so hot around me too. It’s meant to be fucked by my cock, fits me perfectly inside of you.” He whispered, thriving off her whimpers and her nails digging into his back. “Are you going to let me fuck this pussy when I want it?” He muttered. Dirty talk but also a slight claim of ownership. “Let me bend you over or spread your legs open for me to slide in again? Cause... you’re a horny little girl. Been so needy for me and now m’obsessed with you and your pussy.”

Y/N was obsessed. She loved the feeling of having him inside her and knew she would crave it whenever she could get it now that she had it. She was thankful that Harry had made her wait, it felt so much better having him now than it would have ever before. It was perfect, absolutely perfect. She came with a loud scream of his name, squirming and writhing beneath him. Y/N swore she was in love with him, or would be shortly. Maybe he was right about the bonding thing, because now she couldn’t think about doing this with anyone else... Ever. He satisfied her every need. All she could manage to do in her post orgasmic state was kiss all over his face, whimpering as he moved his hips every so often. She couldn’t believe it had finally happened and that he was actually able to make her cum on her first time. He was amazing.

Harry had known that their first time would be amazing but this was a whole other level. He was in awe of just how incredible it felt to be inside of her. The other sex he had had couldnt compare to that. Emotion in sex had been the key. It unlocked so many emotions and needs he hadn’t realized he had and he was gone for her. Y/N was his. Completely his. When they’d both calmed, he took care of her. Cleaning her up and picking up his shirt from the side to let her slide on. Giving her a water bottle from his mini fridge. It soothes him, taking care of her like that.

“S’the first time I’ve had sex in my room.” He admitted to her, pulling her close. “The only person I want to touch is you. So... you’re the only one.” He kissed her forehead. Y/N was ultra sensitive, he could see that her body was still shaky and she would be sore tomorrow. “Gonna run you a bath in the morning because you’ll be sore. I didn’t go as gentle as I should have. It felt too good.”

Y/N felt nice and floaty, every touch was welcome. She was like a little kitten, purring as he cleaned her up and gave her his shirt to wear. It felt so nice, to be completely wrapped up in his scent. She felt so safe, so warm and cared for.

“You’re the only one for me too..” Y/N murmured against his chest, nuzzling close to him. Of course he was the only one, she was just loopy. “A bath?” She hummed, “that's very nice, Harry, you’re so nice.” Y/N noses at his skin, sponging gentle kisses to his chest without moving her head all that much. “It’s okay... I felt really good.” She giggled, curling her leg around his. “You’re my best friend, you know that? I really care about you...” Y/N told him, getting all sentimental. Timmy has been her best friend for years but Harry... Harry had been there for her through all of this. Was so supportive and waited for her, even when she was being stupid. She felt like she loved him.

Harry really liked her but he didn’t know how to word it right. How to tell her that he felt attached to her and hated that she ever left him at all. For food or to sleep. He was selfish with her.

“My best friend too.” He promised. It felt more than that though. It felt like kisses and sex and honey and all the good things. Intense emotion that was foreign to his heart. At first he had genuinely thought it was heartburn but it was the overwhelming amount of affection he had for her. He felt like he could burst. It was incredible. He wanted her to be with him. He couldn’t verbalize that properly so, he was quiet and kissed on her gently. “Care about you so much. More than anyone.” That was the best he could do for now. “Can do that all the time, if you want.” He knew sex with her would be mind blowing always.

“All the time?” Y/N questioned softly, he would have to be careful with that offer. He knew better than anyone that she was constantly horny, but Harry never said no so maybe he had met his match. Y/N felt properly relaxed now, feeling herself gently fall into a sleepy state. She knew now that they both cared about each other a whole lot, realized that the two of them were essentially exclusive, but putting a label on things now seemed too out of place. Y/N really wouldn’t mind, though everyone at school would be thinking Y/N left Timmy if she just started kissing all up on Harry at school. They needed to wait a bit and figure things out. “Good night, Harry..” Y/N hummed, knowing she’d be asleep at any minute especially with the sound of his steady heart beat lulling her to sleep. It always felt so comfortable with Harry, felt like she belonged whenever she was with him. Was this what it was supposed to feel like?

Harry stayed up for a bit thinking. Realistically, he knew he couldn’t just kiss on her at school. They’d have to sneak around for a bit. He didn’t mind if people talked shit about him but Y/N has a gentle heart and it would hurt her to be talked about like that. He didn’t want her to be hurting at all. He stroked her hair as she slept on his chest. It felt like much more of a big deal now. It wasn’t just child’s play. This was a real adult emotion and Y/N was victim to his affection. Not that it seemed like she minded but, still. It was a lot and he knew that.

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A/N: FIN.

let us know what you think!

masterlist

#writing #harry styles smut #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry writing #harry styles #skaterboy!harry #jarofstyles

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impala1967dwinchester · 3 years ago

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Sam Winchester: it's cold outside

Pairing: Sam W. x Fem!Reader

Pov: Sam

Warnings: Fluff, cuteness, Christmas themes, snowing outside, comfy spots,

Summary: Opening Christmas gifts. AU! Sam and Y/n realize they both got each other the same gifts. They also watch the snowfall. maybe a proposal

Word Count: 2k

A/N: This is the second to the last writing challenge I have to complete. I'm so happy and sad that this challenge is almost over.

Square: Fluffy Jumpers

Sam Winchester Master List

Main Master list

Taglist: @sweetdetectivequeen @band--psycho @wonderfulworldofwinchester

The snow outside was starting to cover the porch. it was just barely six am, rolling over I grabbed y/n. she moaned slightly into me as I shifted her into my grasp. Y/n felt so warm around my arms she eventually got comfortable around my grasp.

Seven am the digital clock said, the sun was just baby peeking over the horizon yet. This was the first winter, the first Christmas that Y/n and I would be spending together fully alone. So in technical terms, this is our third Christmas together.

She moaned again as she shifted in my arms the morning sun just not bright enough to fully wake her from her dreams, or even her sleep. slipping from her grasp I snuck from our bed and down stairs.

Having hidden a few presents in the closet away from sneaking eye, such as Y/n. I had noticed the last two years Y/n always no matter what has to sneak a peak.

This year I most definitely did not need y/n snooping around my gifts. Bringing them in from the closet I tried my hardest to place the gifts in empty spots under the Christmas tree.

After doing so, I got to work on breakfast. Seeing as I was the better cook between the two of us. I made hot chocolate and coffee because Y/n was mostly going to sleep till dawn I needed something to wake her up even it was Christmas morning. I turned on Christmas music just something low, but sweet enough to in have in the background.

You know what's funny to me, as a child as kids who believe in a magical person who deliveries present. I remember my older brother Dean beating me at waking up every single Christmas morning. My mother and father would come in hours later and tell us that Santa had come. Dean would beat me down the stairs and always had so much energy, but our parents never seemed against it.

It's funny the little memories you hold on to even twenty-plus years later. The deal between Y/n and I was so. The first year we would visit her family up in Utah and the following year we could visit mine in Kansas.

Eight am and Y/n is still not awake. Alright try for plan two, I walked my way up the stairs with a cup of coffee and a bowl of fruit. nothing too heavy seeing as she is just going to wake up.

Walking in through the open doorway. I was met with a beautiful moment, or whatever you want to call it. Y/n was curled up into my pillow tightly hugging it, the blinds that had been left open the night before for the moon's bright beam to cast in were instead the bright sun casting in. It cascaded over her face, down her arms, beaming down slightly onto the skin on her leg.

I quietly set down her cup of coffee and the bowl of fruit grabbing my phone from the back pocket of my flannel pants. Snapping one or two or maybe five pictures of her. In moments like this, a picture is really worth a thousand words.

Throwing my phone back into my back pocket. I walked over to Y/n quietly and gently tried shaking her awake. "My love wakes up," I spoke gently in her forehead kissing it a few times. "My love it Christmas" She didn't budge her grasp on my fluffy pillow only tightening.

"My love I have coffee for you, and I made breakfast." I tried saying a bit louder and more clear. She moved eventually after I spent ten minutes of my morning caressing her arms, her forehead, and brushing through her hair with my hands.

"My dear, it almost nine in the morning," I said pushing the coffee closer to her on the side table in our bedroom. She moaned and groaned as she shifted and was just barely awake. "Good Morning my love," I said gently as I didn't want to bombard Y/n with too much in the morning.

She stretched and reached towards me. "Mornin' Sammy!" Y/n said. I moved out of her way, she swang her legs over the edge of our bed and set her feet into the slippers.

"Coffee?" I asked her, she hummed in response and took the hot cup out of my hands. Y/n hair was wrapped in these odd color things, but according to Y/n, it was to curl her hair in her sleep especially when her hair was wet.

The odd things that women did for their beauty routines. She sipped at the coffee, her head resting on my shoulder. "It snowed last night baby," I spoke as she got up and walked towards the window.

I could write you a dictionary size book of things that I love about Y/n, and that right there, this moment was another I'd have to add to that book.

Nine am. Y/n in the shower, after finishing her coffee and bringing her hidden gifts out and doing the same as I. I worked on dinner ham, muffins for the hell of it. Things I knew that Y/n had fallen in love with when we visited my parents, and of course there were meals that I wanted to desperately try that we had in Utah with Y/ns family.

Ten am. Y/n was done with her shower and currently finishing up her makeup. I slipped upstairs noticing cozy outfits laid out on our now made bed. One for her and me. I made my way into the bathroom, Y/n wrapped in her towel and applying a bit of everything that was laid out against the shared sink space.

I came in and wrapped my hands around her waist. She leaned her head into my shoulder as I kissed her jawbone and her neck. Whispering into her ear, "Merry Christmas, baby." I said unclasping her from my grip, stripping off my pants and tank top.

The hot water ran down my back as I remembered that today I'm asking Y/n the forever question. Last Christmas I had even asked her father for the mission to marry his daughter. Even if he said no, I'm pretty sure his wife would have smacked him and told me 'yes you may, honey'.

Eleven am. I was finished with my shower, Y/n was done with her light makeup. We were both wearing our matching outfits. We made our way downstairs, y/n slipped her phone from her hand and into mine. "Let's take a few pictures, I want to send a few to our parents, and of course Dean," Y/n said as she began to smile awaiting for me to raise the phone in my hands, and up above us.

She never needed makeup, and I made sure to tell her of that every day, or at least every time I saw her with makeup on. "You look beautiful baby, but you don't need the makeup, because I love you just the way you are. And you, you as your wholesome self in more than enough for me." I said as we looked through the pictures.

Y/n started sending off pictures to people, the cute ones were sent to our parents, the one where we were kissing she posted on one of her social media accounts. The last few ones when we made funny faces she sent to Dean.

If I ever lost her, I think I'd lose my mind. Absolute go crazy, not saying she keeps me from going crazy, she's just the love of my life, and I simply wouldn't know what to do with myself if she was suddenly gone.

Twelve pm. "Come on Sammy! Let's open gifts please!" Y/n says jumping all over the living room. I hummed and sat down on the couch. Y/n pulled a few of my gifts out and grabbed hers. Handing a few small ones and a few bigs ones.

Books, cooking books, a photo album, a few other silly little things, but she still had one box for me. "Here open these honey," I said handing her a few boxes that were wrapped in reindeer wrapping paper. She gushed over the paper and then tore into the gifts.

I too had grabbed her books, a few things from the craft store, and literally anything else she had hinted to during the year. A new necklace because the other was tarnished, a subscription to amazon prime because she has a tendency to buy a lot of things.

She smiled having a few tears in the cusp of her eyes. She rushed up from the floor and jumped into my lap, "Thank you, baby! So much!" I wrapped my hands around her waist to keep her in my lap. She was kissing up a storm on my face, missing either on purpose or accidentally my lips.

We stayed like this for a few moments. Just kissing each other, staying in the moment forever. The kissing wasn't harsh or teeth rode. It was sweet and slow, her lips against mine. Moments like this I memorized her shape and the way her lips tasted against mine.

She rested her head against my chest, and we stayed like this for a few, before she got up and noticed that we both two boxes left. "What do you think we can open them up at the same time?!" So we did, opening them and holding the cute jumpers up in the air at the same time. I could barely see Y/ns eyes over the jumper, then noticed something very cute, and funny.

"Y/n, sweetheart?" I asked she hummed in response. "did.. we got the same gift for each other I think." I said finally I could see Y/n's eyes. She gasped and then giggled. There are other things I'd add to that dictionary, or the book, or whatever.

She giggled and got up running towards the bathroom. "I'm going to go try this on Sammy!"She screamed as she slipped down our hardwood floor and into the bathroom. I went and found the box, the box that had the simple ring it, a set of three diamonds on a gold band.

I heard the clasp of the door open, and then Y/n started talking, on one knee I stayed until Y/n noticed I wasn't answering her back. She looked down at me, then at my hands. Back the jumpers that I was also wearing, "You look cute in your jumper love, so I have a whole speech planned out here. I.. umm... I have spent a large portion of my life loving you from afar, then I got you and I could love you up close you are mine, but I want to be able to wake up next to you forever, I want to continue to make you giggle and laugh, smile at the little things I say to you. I so desperately want to be the father of your kids, have more Christmas like this, so I guess what I'm asking you is simple. Will you Y/n L/n marry me?" I asked her.

No moments of silence she was down on the floor with me, kissing my face repeating 'yes' over and over again. "A hundred times yes, thousand times yes. God, I love you, Winchester. "She said as I slipped the three stones onto her finger.

We kissed again but this just felt different, maybe it was because she wasn't just a girlfriend anymore she is the rest of my life, she's my forever. She is my Mrs. Winchester.

We broke from our kiss, she grabbed her phone and took a picture of course of her hand and then one of us again for the second time. Sending it off yet again. She was happy, and that's all I have ever wanted for her.

Completed on: 05/28/2021

Posted on: 05/28/2021

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artificialqueens · 3 years ago

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Gimme Love, 9/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Sorry for taking so long to upload! I've had a hard week but everything is fine. Here we are - the end! Wanna know something interesting? There was actually going to be more to this story. Like, we were gonna get more flashbacks from when Brie and Juju went to college. There they would meet Tatianna, who was a badass feminist. And she'd be the one to help Brianna with her glow up. But the story was already going on too long and I couldn't fit any of it in.

Also I was going to go down a completely different route for the story. If any of you have actually seen the music video for Gimme Love by Joji, it ends on a more darker tone. And that's how I was gonna do it with this fic as it was based on it. But I just couldn't do it.

So I hoped you guys enjoyed it. I know I didn't get a lot of reads on it, but I'm glad knowing it was recieved by some. Anyway, on with chapter 9!

Major TW's for this chapter: Alcohol, mental health discussion.

2020

It was the day of the pre-party. It was going to be held at my place. I was prepared for possible drunkenness, embarrassing moments, but celebrations of everything we had accomplished. This was something I had worked my ass towards for so long, and it was finally happening.

I smiled, proud that I had finally punched myself in the face (figuratively, of course). I opened my eyes and saw how easy it was to rekindle with Mom. I was scared about seeing her in a few weeks, knowing we'd have to talk about my issues. But I knew now. If I didn't, I would just continue to get worse and worse.

On top of that, the Ed Sheeran problem was over and done with. His team understood fully, and he was set to perform at the launch.

And finally, I would meet Blair again. And it would be different this time. I wouldn't be the shy, insecure teenager she had always seen me as.

However, despite all these promising signs, my smile dropped. I imagined this morning playing out entirely differently.

Jujubee would be the first person to message me. Fuck, she'd probably even break in just to make sure I was up.

None of that happened. I know one should manage their expectations better. But it still hurt.

After two cups of coffee, some soggy cereal and a shower, I tried calling her. It rang a few times but went straight to voicemail mail.

I didn't bother leaving another message. I didn't wanna freak her out.

I probably wasn't helping my case. She probably thought I was relying on her, that she was life support for me.

But that wasn't the case. I mean, I couldn't just stand up and be like, "OK later, bitch," after practically growing up together. How could I just let go of someone I held so dear to my heart?

My eyes travelled across the kitchen, at first only her disappointment during our argument, how I had never seen her so angry.

On the counter, beside the fridge, there was my memory box.

What would Grandpa say in this situation?

Remember how I would write things he'd say to me? Just little bits and pieces of advice as something I could hold on to? I gave it to Mom to put it away for me. It had to be in the box.

I stood up, the stool making a scraping sound along the ground.

But a knock at the door tore my attention away.

Why did I hope it would be her?

Well, because it wasn't out of the ordinary for her to come and visit in the morning. Maybe this was it. I was forgiven.

I rushed to the door with the slight fear that if I wasn't fast enough, I'd miss her.

I unlocked the door and flung it open, a smile on my face, ready to greet her.

5 people were standing there; the decorators. I tried not to let my smile falter as I let them in.

-_-_-_-

8PM and my place had never looked livelier. For my first time hosting a party, it didn't feel like there was much hosting to do.

It felt like any other party I had been to, a room crowded with people dancing or talking to each other.

The music wasn't too loud, so the disorientation wasn't there.

I held back from drinking with the fear of doing something embarrassing, especially around Blair.

My bathroom was still clean when I went to apply a fresh coat of gloss. Good. Nothing to worry about.

I made my way back downstairs to the party, crossing the barrier at the bottom. The only place off-limits to the guests was upstairs. I'd hate to think there would be some people who'd want private time, especially in my bed. It happened at college once.

After a small party in our dorm, I found a couple midst coitus in my bed. Never again, I had said.

"Brianna!"

My head whipped in the direction of the voice, every bit of hope I had inside building up.

"You look stunning." A raven-haired woman approached.

"Thank you," I said in more of a questionable form. My brain couldn't figure out who this was.

"My name is Raja. I'm a writer for Cosmo," that explained it, "I was wondering if I could ask a few questions for a piece I'm doing. It's on the most influential women of the year."

I wanted to say no in the case I missed the arrival of Blair.

As if she read my thoughts, she spoke again. "It won't even be five minutes."

She was right about that. 15 minutes it lasted. We were locked in my bathroom, the four walls making the place feel cramped.

She asked me questions about how I reached this level, my morning routine, and what I put in my hair to make it so voluptuous. And all the while, I just kept fearing that Blair had arrived. That she had searched around for me and left when she couldn't find me anywhere. I would discreetly glance at my watch, hoping too much time didn't pass. But around 5 minutes in, I didn't care for subtlety. Not that Raja noticed. The questions seemed endless.

When she turned her recorder off, she further complimented my outfit. I thanked her, inching my way to the door. This lasted another 3 minutes.

She said I was a tiny woman with a lot of heart. I held back from saying I was a tiny woman with a lot of baggage.

When I finally escaped, I searched the place for Blair, and when I didn't find her, the panic started.

"Did anyone come in in the last 15 minutes??" I asked the workers hanging by the door.

"Yeah, there were 2 people. And I've never seen them around work. Could be anyone, Brie." They said with worry in their tone.

"OK, was one of them a girl? Blonde hair. Around my age?" I questioned further.

They glanced at each other for clarification, then looked back at me and shook their heads.

"Nope. Just two guys." One said.

"Probably on a pussy hunt at their local party." The other said.

"Or dick hunt."

"Or both."

"Nah, how would they even get in?"

Realising this was not Blair they were talking about, I thanked them and excused myself.

So she wasn't here yet. That's fine. Probably just running late.

I gave in and had one glass of champagne. Just to calm my nerves.

And the last person I wanted to see started to approach.

Ed fucking Sheeran. He raised a glass to celebrate and thanked me for the hotel room we paid for. I said it was no problem. And just as he was about to suggest some pictures for his Instagram, I quickly navigated away.

But I was caught by another person who just so happened to be Joey.

"I am so glad you changed your mind about the whole Ed thing. Like...girl…" he sipped his own drink.

"Yeah, it was easier than I thought." I shrugged. "Kinda feel awkward being in his presence now, though."

"I'll distract him if you want. British guys are kinda cute." Joey smirked.

I tsked, cocking my head at him. "Joey, you didn't like the guy a few weeks ago."

"I never said I didn't like him." He smirked.

"I mean, you can try." I rolled my eyes, a small smile appearing on my own face, "don't expect it to go anywhere."

Joey winked and brushed past me, making his way in Ed's direction.

Setting my glass down in my sink, I made my way to the bathroom just to check my lip gloss. A woman couldn't be too careful.

Once inside, I felt cramped again despite being alone. Maybe it was the underlying feeling of worry from being trapped in the room with Raja.

I told myself to breathe but then questioned why I was even doing such an exercise. Everything was fine. Life was good.

Looking in the mirror, my gloss was fine. But I applied a new coat anyway, just a reassurance.

And upon leaving, I set out in search of Blair again. She had to be here, just somewhere lost amongst this large amount of people.

Maybe she found someone else to talk to. Maybe not.

I moved to the balcony, the cool night air a relief.

But she wasn't there either.

I sighed, wanting a cigarette or something. Anything to calm the rising panic I was feeling inside.

I closed the door and moved further into the night, peering over the balcony and out into New York. The twinkling lights were pretty. I took a picture and sent it to my Mom. And in a few seconds, she started calling me.

"Hey, Mom."

"Hi, baby. I just thought I'd see how things are going." She asks, sounding pretty optimistic.

"I mean... it's OK, I guess. A bit crowded at my place right now." I replied.

"You nervous for tomorrow?" I hear the mischief in her voice.

She believed I'm not nervous, that I was a confident, strong woman. But she was wrong. "Of course I am. I mean, we've gone through all the precautions, so it should be fine. But still…"

"Well, baby, I promise you, everything will work out fine. It's you we're talking about."

I smiled, trying to teach my brain to agree with her.

"I would say I'd have a drink for you, but I'm trying to keep away from it tonight." Even though that was a lie.

"Yeah, you don't wanna go do something embarrassing like flashing anyone or whatever." She laughs.

"Wow. I didn't realise that was something I did." I quipped sarcastically.

"How about Jujubee?" I could still hear her smile.

But mine slowly dropped. Fuck, I had no idea. Immediately I stood back from the balcony. "Ugh...yeah, she's fine. She's good."

I moved to the door and looked past the glass at the large number of people. Fuck, I didn't even know if she was inside.

"Am I gonna get to see a picture of your outfits? You two always look like the stars of a party."

"Yeah," I faked a small laugh. "I'll go find her and get a picture. I'm gonna get back inside, OK?"

"No problem, baby. Love you."

"I love you too." I clicked end call and quickly made my way back inside.

How the fuck had I forgotten about her so quickly? Not like she was in my mind that morning or anything.

Now I had to find 2 people. I rushed inside, looking out for both of them. I checked the kitchen, dining area, lounge, the bathroom. Fuck, I even checked upstairs in the case Jujubee was there.

But there was no sign.

Where the fuck was she? Where was Blair?

It was getting harder to hold down the anxiety. Was Jujubee right about Blair? Was this another instance of my childhood crush getting my hopes up and flaking out?

The next drink tray I saw, my hand went straight for another glass. Two wouldn't hurt.

"Hey, you made it!" I heard from the front of the room, by the door.

I quickly downed the champagne and practically ran for it, too afraid to miss who had arrived.

Just as my hopes were quickly up, they fell just as fast. It was just Alex, Joey hugging him at the door.

"Fuck...Fuck...Fuck…" I whispered to myself.

A third glass of champagne found its way into my hand, and in a matter of seconds, it was down the hatch. I grimaced at the taste now, feeling like I could throw up at any second. Was that all just the anxiety, though?

Another bathroom break, I was fixing my gloss once again, scared to ruin my makeup. My hands were trembling. Fuck.

It wasn't stopping.

Back out in the main room, I tried to scan the crowd, standing on my tiptoes to try and see past everyone. It didn't help much.

Despite the music and rambling chatter happening around me, I heard the front door open, my eyes shot in its direction.

I struggled to move past a small group of coworkers, trying to get a good view of the door.

I didn't even get my hopes up this time. And, of course, it wasn't Blair.

Jujubee was right. Blair wasn't coming. Once again, she had led me on to believe I did mean something to her and that she'd give us a chance.

My hand gripped my scalp, turning away from the door. I growled, "Fuck," which didn't go unnoticed.

There was Nina with a hand on my arm. "Are you OK?"

"Yes." I lied so quickly. "I'm fine. Just... it's a little crowded in here," I fidgeted with my hands, "Is Jujubee here?"

"Yeah, you haven't seen her?" Nina raised a brow, rubbing her hand up and down my bicep.

"No." My eyes looked around briefly. "Where is she??"

"I dunno. She's you're best friend." Nina squinted her eyes. She didn't mean to sound accusatory. I guessed she was more concerned.

"She is." I reaffirmed, even though now I wasn't so sure.

"If it helps, the last place I saw her was the kitchen."

"When?"

"Half an hour ago."

I rolled my eyes and groaned. "She could be anywhere."

"Girl, it's fine. Not like we're in a labyrinth. You'll find her eventually." Nina smiled, rubbing my arm again.

I paid her no more heed and hurried towards the kitchen in the hope I'd find her there. But like the rest of my apartment, it was crowded. I stood on my toes again to try and catch a glimpse of black hair.

But there was no sign. Stressed, a shaking hand reached for another champagne. Usually, my tolerance for alcohol was high, but right now, I was feeling it. I was wavy.

In my now weary state of mind, I decided what was the fucking point? Blair had 100% flaked, as per usual, and Jujubee was obviously avoiding me at all costs.

Nina had followed me, taking my hand. "Follow me."

I didn't fight it. She moved to the staircase, pulled back the barrier and let me pass through.

She ushered me to walk up to the top before moving no further.

Turning towards the crowd beneath us, Nina addressed the people with a raised tone. "Can we have your attention, please?"

The people went quiet, beaming up at us.

Nina talked about how much of a good night it was, all while the alcohol was taking me over.

My eyes scanned the crowd, in the final chance of hope, wanting nothing more than to see Jujubee's glowing smile shining up at me.

But I couldn't. Not because I had double vision. But because she was nowhere.

I squeezed my eyes shut, breathing hard out through my nose.

Nina put her hand on my shoulder. And only then did I realise that I had blacked out, missing everything she said. I blinked a few times, trying to clear the film that had glazed my brown eyes.

"But we all wouldn't be here without our leading lady." She smiled warmly. "Everything she's achieved, it's all brought us to this moment. Let's raise a glass to Miss Brianna Caldwell."

Everyone started cheering, only a few raising a toast, the others clapping. My eyes widened, feeling all those eyes on me.

"Hope you have a speech prepared," Nina whispered in my ear.

And me, being the queen of saying just 3 lines and quickly evacuating the scene, decided no. Fuck it. I had something to say.

When the crowd began to settle down, I began to deliver the messiest speech ever.

"Well, funny you should mention achievements, Nina, because, yeah, I'm standing here before you all, having done the impossible. But what does that matter?" I laughed, shrugging. "Yeah, it does matter a whole fucking deal. I mean, look at you all. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't?" I laughed awkwardly again, but as I continued, my smile began to disappear. "Well, sometimes you just want a certain someone to give a shit. And they make you believe that they do. Just for like 5 minutes. And it feels so so fucking incredible. It feels like...like you matter. You're not just plain old Brianna Caldwell. You mean the world to them…" My tone dropped, "And then...you realise you're the most gullible, unaware, stupid fucking idiot in the world. They don't really give a fuck about you. They don't see all the things that you've achieved in life and think…' Wow...What an incredible person.' They just... don't give a fuck about you."

Everybody looked confused, uneasy even, while others giggled. Glad to know I was serving as the entertainment for the night, and I was in the same room as Ed fucking Sheeran.

Then, as if some higher power looked at me with a shaking head, maybe my grandpa, there was a glimmer of light at the back of the room, a flash of movement. And my eyes were drawn to the source.

My heart stopped

There she was. Finally. Blair St. Clair smiling apologetically at the few people who were looking at her. They smiled back as they should. She was breathtaking.

And her eyes moved to where everyone else was looking.

Right at me.

Such a familiar feeling was falling over me.

Everyone else in the room. Gone. Like they just stepped into another world, leaving the two of us in this reality.

She panted, out a breath, like she had run to my place. Impossible, she looked like an absolute angel in her gold wrap dress.

Nina nudged me. I snapped out of my daze, reminded of the whole crowd of people looking up at me with confused stares.

Fuck...what do I say now? How do I backtrack?

"But...you know what?" I started to speak again. "You realise, you're just overthinking again. 'Cause, that's a very on-brand thing for you. Every little incident of the past has taught you to doubt that good things actually can happen to you." My smile was returning. "Because the people who give a shit are there. Because you've done the impossible. And they couldn't be happier to be part of your story." My eyes were moving through the crowd, "Do what makes the ones around you proud, and what makes you fucking proud. And don't let anyone or anything hold you the fuck back. Because you have a purpose."

Thank fuck for the fact everyone started cheering again. I thought I had fucking bombed that I would see a recording of the same speech the following day all over Twitter, along with comments about how dramatic it was.

But it was fine. I saved it. I smiled at everyone and hugged Nina, suddenly overcome with happiness.

"Fuck you for not telling me you were gonna drag me up here," I whispered in her ear.

"Well, if I had asked you in the first place, you would have said no, honey." Nina grinned.

We pulled apart, and my eyes went back to the front door. I smiled, expecting to see Blair. But she had vanished. Fuck, I hadn't imagined her, right?

I tried to carefully make my way down the stairs without tripping, ready to look for her once again.

And upon reaching the bottom, Joey grabbed my hand and pulled me close, "someone on the balcony requires your attention."

He winked, and the butterflies in my belly went mad.

She was playing games with me. Not a very Blair St Clair thing to do, but the thought excited me.

I hurried to the balcony, ready to feel that cool air on my skin, her warm body pressed against mine.

And just as I was passing through the doors, feeling the cooling breeze, I stopped dead in my tracks.

I froze.

This wasn't what I expected; seeing her standing there, only noticing how radiant she looked in her orange suit dress.

Fuck. It felt so long since I had last seen her.

But it had been only a few days.

"Hi, Juju," I spoke quietly.

"Hey," she inhaled her cigarette, looking out to the city. If she hadn't replied to me, I would have guessed she failed to realise I was even there.

I swallowed, my eyes glancing down to the ground for a moment. The alcohol in my system was telling me to just turn and leave her alone. She didn't wanna see me.

But my brain said, "you idiot, she obviously invited you out here."

So I moved forward, rubbing the backs of my arms nervously.

I stood beside her, not even daring to look her in the eye. I looked at her orange suit, how Mom would have adored it.

"You invited me out here." I leaned my elbows on the ledge, my gaze following hers over the twinkling lights of New York.

"Yeah, I did." She did offer me a cigarette, but still, she never looked at me.

I shook my head, declining her offer, "Why didn't you just come and ask me yourself?"

"I was dying for a cigarette." She breathed out a stream of smoke. "Also, I've already spent most of the night trying to find you."

I couldn't help but breathe out a laugh through my nose. I glanced at her and was glad to see the smirk appear on those lips.

"I've been trying to fucking find you." I continued to laugh, a crack to my tone, however.

She finally looked at me, turning her body to face me. Her brows were knit together, yet the smirk remained. "No. I," she stressed, "have been trying to find you."

"So...what have I been doing for the past...I dunno, few hours?" I raised a brow. "Did I take 10 hits of acid earlier, or did I not search this place from top to bottom?"

She gave me a hopeless smile like she knew there was no point in arguing. She sucked on the cigarette, offering it to me.

I gave in, taking it from her hand, my fingers touching hers with a light touch. Her eyes moved to our hands as if she was thinking about it too. The feeling like this was a moment we needed to remember.

I took a drag on the cigarette, passing it back. She looked away, briefly turning her gaze to the ground.

But I kept my eyes on her like I'd never get another chance. "I really miss you, Juju," I spoke quietly, almost through a whisper.

She looked at me again. Her mouth moved around slightly yet remained closed like she wanted to say something. But she couldn't figure out what it was she was going to say.

I reached out, took her hand in mine. She seemed taken aback at first. But as my thumb stroked against the soft skin of her hand, a small smile began to resurface.

"There are…" she paused, "things that I would love to say to you. But I just... I'm afraid."

"Is it bad? Come on, Juju. You can tell me. You can tell me anything. I mean, we've grown up together. We've always told each other everything."

She looked apprehensive before taking another drag from her cigarette. And stubbing it out in the ashtray, she turned towards me once again.

She looked ready to say it. Whatever it was. I didn't even know the words yet. But I could tell this would mean a lot to her.

The muffled sound of the many people behind the closed glass doors became clearer, amplified even. Jujubee looked in its direction. My eyes followed.

"Blair," I uttered.

She looked slightly taken aback like she didn't know how to react to seeing us.

Jujubee dropped her hand to her side, a small puff of air leaving her nostrils.

"Jujubee." A smile appeared on Blair's face as she finally approached us both. "I didn't expect to see you here!"

"Likewise." Jujubee nodded slowly. She glanced at me, and I reciprocated.

Before I could figure out her exact emotion. But now, she was hard to read once again. My brows knit together, telepathically questioning what she was feeling.

Jujubee looked back at Blair. "Talk about awful timing though, I was just leaving." Jujubee smiled back at her.

Blair's smile was disappearing. "Oh." She paused, unable to say anything else.

"You don't have to go, Jujubee." I took her hand once again, stroking my thumb over her skin another time, just to remind her of the tender moment we were just having.

She smiled again, but only now, I knew the true words behind it. She pulled her hand away. "Early rise, actually. Gotta get up and ready for the big day tomorrow, right?" She raised her brows at me. Then she looked at Blair, "It was nice seeing you," and then back to me once more, "I hope you have a good night, Brie."

She averted her eyes, not even sparing me another glance. The clacking of her heels was deafening, each step away causing something inside to sting.

"It was nice seeing you again," Blair said before Jujubee could make it through the doors.

I heard a mumbled "yeah, yeah," before Jujubee went back inside.

My gaze still followed her, watching as she navigated the crowd.

"Did she...seem off to you?" Blair asked quietly.

"Yeah," I said without thinking. "I just...I don't know what's wrong with her...I can't...work it out…" my eyes never left the door, hoping Jujubee would reappear.

And feeling Blair's soft hand in mine, I was brought back to reality. I looked at her, seeing the concern in her eyes. Fuck, what a great way to reunite.

"Is something going on?" She asked softly.

I shook my head frantically, "N-No. We're fine...I guess I'm just overreacting. Yeah, she's just been...really busy with everything."

"That's probably true." She shrugged, glancing at the door, "Well, actually, I haven't seen what goes behind the public eye, but I bet it's taxing." Blair was facing me again, her eyes widening briefly.

I let out a small laugh, "Oh, you have no idea." And only then did I get a real chance to take her in. The girl had not changed. Well, call me corny, but she only got more radiant looking.

"I didn't think you'd come," I spoke with a hushed tone.

"Sorry, I was late. I couldn't get a cab for ages." She gave a half-smile. "I guess New York really is that kind of place."

"Fuck, I didn't think about traffic. I could have got you a driver or something. "I started rambling.

"No, it's OK. I'm here now anyway." Her eyes looked me up and down, "you look great, by the way. Pink always was your colour."

Funny how the last time she gave me a compliment, I shut her down. But now, I couldn't bring myself to do so. "Thank you."

I wasn't expecting her to hug me, but she did. It was very welcoming. If I could rate it out of 10, I'd give it a 9. Why the missing point? Cause she pulled away too soon. I needed that time, just to soak up the moment.

My arm was still around her waist when she put a hand to my face.

"It's so good to see you." She beamed, the city lights reflected in her eyes.

"You wanna go upstairs? We'll hear better up there. And it's kinda chilly out here." I hoped she didn't find that creepy or like I was suggesting something because that was not my intention, believe it or not.

I almost jumped, the sound of her sweet voice dragging me out of the storm that was my inner ramblings. "What about your party?" She looked over her shoulder at all the guests behind the closed doors."

"They'll be fine," I said too quickly.

"Oh. Well, if you say so."

She didn't find that weird. Good. I finally pulled my arm from her body but took her hand instead, leading her into the apartment.

I ignored the side glances we received, too focused on her presence behind me. Still so in disbelief that for once, she hadn't flaked out. She really did give a fuck. Walking up the stairs, I only noticed how my vision had cleared. I no longer felt drunk. Had it just been a quick rush of nausea that left me feeling so weary before? Or had the shock of seeing Blair literally walk into my life again shocked me so much to the point it sobered me up?

"Here we go," I said quietly, welcoming her into the upper level.

"Wow, you got another living room up here." Blair's wandering eyes landed on the couch.

"Yeah. The one downstairs is for fucking business and parties. And this one," I gestured to where she was looking, "is for hanging out mostly, and…" Why did I have to be so nervous?

"Hookups?" She looked at me with raised brows and a smirk.

I laughed nervously, moving to the fake fireplace and turning it on. Why didn't I just say no? She probably thought I was a slut or something. "Sit down if you want. Do you want a drink? I'd love a fucking drink right now."

"Nah, I'm good. Thanks, though." She replied, sitting down on the sofa and relishing the feeling of it.

"I need some fucking water." I rushed to the mini-fridge and pulled out a bottle.

Turning back to face Blair, she was looking at me in confusion. "You OK?"

"What?" That was all I thought to reply with.

"You seem kind of…" she paused, trying to figure out her words, "on edge."

"I do?" My hands played with the water bottle.

"Yeah, you've included the word 'fucking' in every sentence since we got up here." She allowed herself to smirk.

Subliminal, Blair. I like it.

Fuck, I dragged my mind out of the gutter and practically rushed to the couch. "Oh, it's just...tomorrow. The nerves, you know." I sat on the other end of the sofa, took a gulp of water and made myself comfortable.

Blair turned to face her body towards me. "Am I wrong, or was Ed Sheeran downstairs??"

"Yeah, he was. It's kind of a long story, actually." I laughed. "You a fan?"

"No, not really," Blair replied.

"Good, me neither. Not really into the whole wedding dance song vibe."

"Me too." She groaned, "If I hear Thinking out loud at another wedding, girl, I'm just...I dunno."

"I get it. 100%"

"Well, enough about him," Blair sat up straight, a bright smile on her face. She laughed for a moment before even speaking, "Fuck, I was just about to ask what you've been up to." She gestured a hand around the room, "I mean, duh."

"Yeah," I returned the laugh, "It's pretty much just that. This project has taken up most of my life over the years."

"God, I remember reading in the paper...fuck, I can't remember the exact title. It was this tiny article just squashed into a corner. 'Scientist seeks to prove the existence of other realities.' Yeah, it was something like that. And…" She shrugged, "I just knew it was you. And, I knew you'd go far."

I felt the blush creep onto my skin. Hearing this from Blair felt otherworldly.

"I mean, I knew before. When you told me at Prom, I knew you'd be able to do it." She added.

"How did you know?" I asked.

"Just hearing how you talked about it. Like, you really believed in yourself. It made me believe too." She swapped around the legs she crossed.

"It was hard. Trying to get people on board with everything. Not a lot of people believed it was even possible in the beginning." I unscrewed the cap from the bottle of water. "And now look at me; I got the government behind this whole thing." I shrugged and took a sip of the water. Before she could go on, I took the conversation on another route. "But what about you? Where are you in life?"

I knew where she was in life. Hadn't I Facebook stalked her not too long before?

"Well, it sounds far fetched, but I'm trying to get into the music scene." Blair sat back in her seat, eyes wandering off, looking at nothing in particular.

"You always did like performing," I noted. "Starting out in the school playgrounds. Soon you'll be playing an Arena with a sold-out show."

Did I sound cheesy? Was I too much of a kiss ass? Because to me, this was honesty. I always thought Blair had the potential to be a famous singer. She had the voice, the looks, style and personality. Who wouldn't want her as part of their label?

Fuck, it only hit me that I could have gotten her a spot to perform at the event.

Blair had stood, a small sigh emitting her lips. "An Arena? Imagine that." She smirked for a moment, stepping away from the couch. For a hot second, I thought I had stepped on territory I shouldn't have, and she was leaving. But she made her way to the window, staring out over New York. So I naturally went too. "Well, I've just been singing around bars for a while now, even had 2 gigs. Nothing too amazing." She explained. "I mean, I know you say Arena and all, but, actually, I wouldn't wanna be that big. I just...want people to hear my music."

Her smile faltered somewhat, and it spoke volumes. It wasn't happening fast enough for her, the growing number of ears that would someday listen to her words. She wanted it all now.

I sidestepped a bit closer. My fingers were so close to brushing against hers, then stopping myself in realising that was too much. "It does take time, these things. I mean, I didn't get here overnight. It will happen, Blair." She flashed me a gracious smile, and I was glad she didn't find any of that condescending. That was not my aim. "Anyway, I'd love to hear your music."

"You would?" Blair cocked her head to the side, turning more to face me, her hand on the window cill closer to mine.

"Of course," I reply. She should've known that anyway.

"Well, I'm not gonna break out into song for you right now. But I have a few videos on my Facebook. You should add me." She suggested.

I had never opened Facebook so fast. "There. I sent you a request." I scrolled through her timeline, my back now to the window, "Lemme see."

"Oh, God. Please don't. Not right now." Blair panicked.

I lifted my gaze, my eyes almost wide. Blair St Clair, the girl who wasn't hesitant to approach a mic, was embarrassed. I found this to be adorable and oddly made me feel more relaxed. "Don't be shy, Blair. I'm sure they're great."

"Brianna, don't." No joke, Blair attempted to snatch my phone away like a child.

I found it highly amusing. "Why not?" I smiled mischievously.

Blair continued her protests, trying to swipe at the phone more and more, all while laughing nervously.

Eventually, my teasing led to a chase. I still scrolled her Facebook as I ran around the room, Blair behind me.

"Which one should I look out for?" I stood at one end of the couch.

Blair stood at the other end, letting out a pant. "Brianna, you better not."

I stepped to the right, throwing her off, and she ran to her left, ready to run straight at me and take the phone out of my hand.

But I tricked her. When I took that step to the right, I pulled back and moved to the left instead. And without thinking, I threw myself down on my bed.

Before I could even get up, Blair was already there, too, crawling towards me. She reached for my phone, still pleading with me to stop.

And finally, giving the current circumstances, I gave in. "OK, OK. You win. I won't play your music in front of you." I giggled mischievously, shuffling so my back was against my headboard. "You're gonna have to remind me to check it out, though."

Blair remained at the bottom of my bed, kicking her heels off and folding them like a pretzel. It was as if we were teenagers again, catching up on all the hanging out we never got to do. She fluffed out her hair, "God, Brie, I came here to have a good time. Not to work out. Why are you still looking at your phone?"

Now that I was on her profile, scrolling back to the top, I saw a familiar picture. "Wow, this George guy's kind of cute."

Blair smiled warmly, her eyes looking upwards. And I had the slightest sinking feeling she was about to tell me this was her fucking lover or husband.

"Ah...George. What a guy." Blair blinked. "He does music too. If you like my stuff, then you'll like his too. He's got this song Gimme Love. It's my favourite."

"Is he your boyfriend?" There was no hesitation in asking.

Her brows briefly crossed. "What? No. He's one of my closest friends. Really helping me find places to perform. He's just...really cool."

I mouthed a silent 'Oh' before going on and cocking my head to the side, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Was it normal to ask shit like this? Maybe it was. But considering I had confessed to her I liked her very much in that accidental message, perhaps I shouldn't have said it at all. Didn't want her getting sus.

I got the feeling she knew I was trying to find a way in as she raised a brow at me, the corners of her mouth turning upwards. "Nah, Brie. I'm done with boys."

I lowered my phone. That could have meant anything;

She was strictly into girls;

She had just gotten out of a bad relationship with someone, and she was going through that typical 'men are trash' phase;

She used the term 'boys' when referring to immature fuck boys who still thrived in toilet paper bombing people's houses and still fought with feminists online. She was now looking for 'a real man' who would love and respect her.

She wasn't speaking, just lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Before the silence could go on and get awkward, I shifted in my own spot. "Do you wanna elaborate on that?"

"Oh. Yeah, if you want to hear it." She said like she didn't want to, and before I could stop her, she went on, "Well, the last was Conrad. He cheated on me. Before him, there was Ethan. I found out he'd talk shit about me to all his meathead buddies, said that my ass wasn't big enough. Then Bryce with his superior attitude. And…" she sighed, "Fucking Trevor."

Just hearing his name did something to me. I could feel how my shoulders had tensed, how the breath got stuck in my throat for a moment. But my ability to talk was unaffected because I spoke up, "I remember you saying he was controlling." I moved away from my headboard, shuffling closer to her, so close she could have put her head in my lap if she wanted.

Blair nodded, "he was," she breathed out a sigh, "I can't believe I'm even admitting this, but after high school, I started seeing him again. He promised me he would change, that things would be different. And I always feel like such an idiot for believing him."

That was upsetting. My hand squeezed in a fist. "So, what was the final straw? The thing that made you end things for the last time?"

Blair took in a deep breath, rolling over onto her front and propping her head upon her hands. She looked up at me with sad eyes. "He was just the same, Brie. Always controlling me, telling me how to act, who I could and couldn't hang out with. He was like that from the beginning to the end. I mean, you remember how he reacted about that one sex-ed class? And that time, he yelled at me in front of everyone for not sitting with him at lunch one day?"

I had no idea about the last thing. And I wasn't even surprised. Trevor was that type of guy, and you just knew it within the first few minutes of meeting him.

I was curious to know, but I kind of already had a feeling. Yet, I needed clarification. "Is that why you never came back to the library? Because he knew people would talk if you were seen with the school loser?" She leaned up now, but I continued. "Is it why you never came to speak to me about the prom?"

Blair was just watching me in silence. But I could see it, the realisation in her face.

"Fuck." She sat up and moved closer to me. "Oh my gosh, Brianna. I am so sorry. I had...no idea it would hurt you." We were both face to face, and she put her hands on mine, her eyes apologetic. She cussed, briefly looking away. "Fuck, I knew you hated me. The years of silence, of course, you did."

"Wait, no. Stop. I'm sorry. I don't wanna make you feel like a bad person. That's not what I wanted to do." I said profusely, my hands tightening just slightly.

"No, no. I'm sorry. You have every right to be upset." She spoke quietly, her blue eyes pleading with me. "Just be honest with me. I owe you that. You deserve to be heard."

"Really, Blair, it's fine. It's - -"

"Brianna. You're upset. You're not really good at hiding it, no offence." She smirked at the last comment. But the smile disappeared, and she waited for my response.

I stared back at her, my gaze shifting between both those eyes. My mind debated what to do, refuse to say a thing and let it all continue to build up. Or vent years of pent up emotions that needed to be said.

I looked away, deciding the latter decision was probably the best. I really didn't want to, what with the risk of upsetting her.

But maybe she wouldn't.

But maybe she would.

But maybe…

Her hand left mine and swept a strand of hair away from my face. I didn't even know it was there. "You're really hurt, Brie," she spoke softly.

I looked back to her finally, her hand lowering back down. And I finally found my voice. "OK." I shifted in my spot, highly uncomfortable. Come on, Brie. Just tell her.

"Do you remember the prom? When you asked me how we never talked more?" Just say it. "Because I always felt inadequate. Like I wasn't enough for you. And, not just you, even my…" I paused, feeling the lump form in my throat, "...my parents. Ummm…" saying that out loud to her, it hit differently. My voice was cracking. "I always associated you with my parents. I don't know where the connection came from, and I know now that that's fucked up, and I know I probably should go to a therapist about that, but..." I quickly explained. "But yeah, I just...never felt enough. Like 'why would Blair the cheerleader want to associate with someone like me? How could Blair ever love someone like me??'"

Fuck, it just slipped out. I studied her face for a reaction, expecting her to back away.

But she didn't. She just nodded in understanding, squeezing my hand reassuringly.

"But, um...I know now. It wasn't that you didn't care. It was just...fucking Trevor." I practically growled that name.

Blair breathed out a laugh, rolling her eyes. "Fucking Trevor."

"Yeah, fuck that asshole," I allowed myself to smile before continuing on. "I just... didn't understand how hard that actually was for you."

"It was very hard. God, it bothered me so much because I really did have a soft spot for you, Brianna. I really did, ever since we were kids." Blair smiled warmly. "And that's why I'm so glad you replied to my message. After all these years."

I gulped, thinking about that damn message, and now seeing her loving smile. "Y-You didn't think it was weird?"

Blair sighed, yet her smile remained. "Brianna. Do you think I'd be sitting here if it was?" She moved her hand to my elbow, up my shoulder, caressing my cheek gently.

I almost said something. I couldn't even remember what it was. Not that it mattered because I didn't get the chance. The moment I had been waiting for, it was happening. Her face was moving closer to mine, eyes slowly closing. And as soon as I felt her lips brush against mine, the feeling of her touch caused the butterflies in my stomach to flutter. I closed my own eyes and accepted what was happening.

The kiss my teenage self craved, dreamed about even.

It was reality.

We hadn't just slipped into some other world.

This was real life. The feeling of her hand on my cheek, that was real. The butterflies in my stomach fighting against the walls, also real.

And how I lifted my hand and held her face, also real.

She pulled away first, but her lips were still close, "was that OK?"

"Yeah," I moved my face back towards hers, initiating another kiss. I was savouring every bit of this moment. The sweet taste of her was too much to not let go of.

But she pulled back again, letting herself fall back against the mattress. I stared at her for a few seconds. Fuck, this was happening. Something inside me was hesitant to do this. The nerves, the fear of not being enough for her.

Blair reached out for my hand, and I knew I was just overthinking again. I took her hand and allowed her to pull me down to her.

Lowering my face to hers, I kissed her again, more hungrily this time. For a second, I didn't know where to go from there, still so in disbelief that my luck had turned around.

When I pulled away, my hand travelling down the side of her face. "Oh my God...is this real?"

"Of course it is." Blair giggled, her hands roaming up and down my back.

"OK. Good!" I panted, moving my kisses to her cheek, then her neck, and I could feel my heart beating a bit faster.

But because I am Brianna Caldwell, the most awkward person to have ever lived, I had to go on with the questions. "Hey, Blair, can I ask you something?" I kept my lips where they were.

"Mhmm?" She purred when I kissed that point where her neck met her shoulder. The pathetic noise she made almost made me melt, I swear to God.

"Were you…" come on, Brie, just say it, "were you gonna kiss me at the prom?"

She chuckled, "Yeah. But Trevor had to be an insecure loser."

I appreciated the cute giggling sound she made.

I lifted my head away from her skin and leaned up. I looked at her with a raised brow.

Blair was smiling still, but I knew she was getting impatient.

"So...you like-liked me back then too? Even when I was ugly?" I asked.

"Brianna, you were never ugly." Blair's brows connected, a hand stroking up and down my side. She really was getting needy. "And yes. I always like-liked you. God, that's so cute. You still say like-like." She took my hands and guided them to the knot tight at the side of her wrap dress.

"Shut up. Fuck, you're so beautiful." My hands began to untie the knot while I lowered my face and kissed along her clavicle and the only bit of exposed chest I had access to.

"Fuck. If only you knew how long I wanted this." Blair mewled. "I didn't think this was ever gonna happen. Even when I saw you and Juju out on the balcony, I was like...fuck. I'm too late."

Confusion immediately took me over. I pulled back again, looking down at her. A brief flash of frustration appeared on her face, but I ignored it. "Wait. What?"

"Yeah, I just…" Blair looked away for a moment as if debating on continuing or not, "always saw how you were around her. Always so happy. Like you were on top of the world. And I just didn't want to get in the way of that."

Her hand was trailing along my thigh, but I ignored it.

"Wait...Jujubee?" I knew that's who she was talking about, but even the sound of her name, it made something inside hurt. Not a hurt that she caused. Something...so different yet familiar at the same time.

"Yes. I never saw you that happy around anyone else…" Blair leaned back, balancing against my propped knees. "I mean, the prom? The way you looked at me, it was nothing compared to when you're with her. With Jujubee, it was...always so different."

Realisation dawned on me. I knew what she was getting at.

I opened my mouth to speak, ready to say I didn't like Jujubee in that way. But the words wouldn't surface. No matter how much I willed myself, I just couldn't. Even the thought of saying it made that feeling of hurt feel 10 times worse.

"You OK?" Her fingers danced around my thigh again, only with more wanting now.

"But…" I began, "I gave you my Valentine's card in first grade."

Now she was silent, her gaze shifting between both my eyes. She leaned up on both elbows, realising my questions weren't going to stop, and her pussy wasn't going to be eaten any time soon. She gave a nervous laugh, "um, no. You gave it to Jujubee."

I squinted my eyes. "No. I gave it to you, Blair."

"Girl, you gave it to me, and when I asked if it was mine, you shouted at me, saying it was for Juju and you just wanted me to check it out." She was laughing again. But seeing my still confused face, her smile began to drop. "You don't remember that?"

I was silent for a moment. Blair was in front of me, the love of my life, but all I could see was the image of Jujubee in my head. Her perfect little face, the way her eyes crinkled at the corners when she laughed, that bright smile, her silky black hair that always smelt so good.

I thought back, all the way back to that specific Valentine's Day. I remembered handing the card to Blair, her confused face, how the kids snickered as I stood there feeling sorry for myself. And Jujubee shouting at them all for making jokes.

But that was all.

"I... don't remember that," I spoke quietly, my eyes squinted.

"Not even the card she gave you?"

My eyes widened at that. "She did what?"

"Yeah, she gave you a card."

Now that she mentioned it, there was a flicker of an image in my head; something pastel pink. My tiny painted fingers holding a heart shape. Baby Brianna smiling, only to lift her head and see the other kids making fun.

"Oh, shit…" I whispered. I climbed off Blair and got up from the bed.

I was on the verge of pacing, my hand in my hair, "Oh my God."

"Don't be embarrassed, Brie." Blair was fully sat up in the bed now, her legs spread as if trying to beckon me back. "Not a lot of people can remember so far back."

I needed to prove if this was real or not. I'd call Jujubee. But then again, would she have even answered? If what Blair was saying was true, that explained why Jujubee was behaving the way she was. She was hurt. She was pissed because I didn't remember her card.

But how the fuck could I have forgotten something like that? All my life, that was all I ever wanted - to know I was loved by someone. Such a memory like that…

"Brie, are we...you know...gonna…" Blair spoke quietly.

My eyes widened. A memory like that. A memory that would be worth keeping.

I turned to face her. "Blair, wait here. I'll be right back."

"OK. Sure." Blair blinked a few times.

I wasted no time rushing downstairs. Taking a moment to observe the crowd, it seemed, quite a few guests had left already. At least it would make it easier to navigate.

I made my way to the kitchen. The memory box was still there. For a millisecond, I feared someone would have stolen it.

I took it to the counter, no one was around, so I felt safe enough to open it.

My nerves were wrecked as I lifted the latch to the box. I only had a small idea of the things that would be in here. Old photos, movie tickets, childhood drawings.

But I hadn't planned on opening it up so soon.

No. I needed to know the truth.

Opening it up, I saw a bunch of photos, tickets and pieces of folded up paper. I removed them, planning to possibly look at them at a later date.

The more I pulled out, the more confident I felt that Blair had got it all wrong. And she was the one who remembered things differently.

But there was a flash of pink at the bottom of the box. I gulped, pushing aside the scraps of paper burying it.

And there it was; A pastel pink heart-shaped card, 'Happy Valentines Day' writing in glitter gel pen on the front. "Shit…" I said quietly, pulling the card out.

Opening it up, I breathed out a puff of air.

'Dear Brianna, I know people in class are mean and say nasty things. But I think you are the prettiest girl in the world. Happy Valentine's day. Love from Juju xxx'

I could hear the younger version of myself reading it out loud, the insults from the other kids, Jujubee yelling at them because they were just jealous.

I put the card down as I realised Blair was right. And memories resurfaced, reading completely different.

That Valentines Day in which she refused to tell me who she had eyes for

That time she didn't invite me to stay for dinner.

How her smile would drop every time I mentioned Blair.

How I never danced with her at the prom

And finally, our recent argument.

It all made sense. Jujubee was in love with me. And instead of recognising it earlier on, I was too caught up with Blair to see it.

And what about me? How did I feel about her? Yeah, Jujubee was my one and only friend. She had gotten me through so much throughout the years. If it weren't for her, who knew where I would have been.

I couldn't pinpoint any time that I had thought of her as more than just a friend.

Well, maybe the times we'd lie in bed and just...stare into each other's eyes. Or the time she held me as I sobbed into her chest after the incident at the prom. Or maybe the times she'd smile, and it would brighten up my day. Or the exact day that I noticed how cute it was when her lashes fluttered.

Or…

My eyes met the heart-shaped card again, how the very sight of it made my heart skip a beat.

"Fuck." I ran my fingers through my hair as it was clear to me.

My eyes ventured away from the card, moving to the scraps of paper.

'Grandpa's tips for life'

My hand told me to examine the piece of paper further, so I did so.

At the top of the list, there it was. A sign.

'Go get her, kiddo. You've got nothing to lose.'

I needed to tell her.

I packed the box up and quickly left the kitchen, noting that a few more people had left.

"Blair!" I called, rushing up the stairs.

She was still there, laying in the bed, in just her white lacey lingerie.

I covered my eyes. "Oh my God. That was unexpected."

"Fuck. Sorry. I kind of had a feeling that would have been inappropriate." She asked.

"What? No. You're fine. I just... wasn't prepared for that." I stuttered, still covering my eyes. "Could you just...cover-up for a second."

"OK." I heard her say. "You can look now."

I looked back. She did pull the duvet up, but just below the wire of her bra.

"OK," I breathed out, trying to ignore her cleavage, "I think you're right about Jujubee."

"You think?"

"Yes," I replied before shaking my head profusely. "No. I know. You're right, Blair. I...I like her. Maybe even love her." Fuck, saying that out loud, it did something to me, "And yes, I liked you for so long, but you're right. I was always happiest with her."

I was expecting her to be disappointed, but she smiled. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

"What?"

"Go get her."

Grandpa's words reiterated.

"You're not upset that we're not gonna have sex right now?"

"No, Brie." Blair threw back the covers, picking up her gold wrap dress off the floor, "I already learned how to deal with it. Knowing you belonged to someone else." She wrapped her body up in the dress effortlessly, fluffed out her hair and turned to look at me again. "I know you're meant to be with her. So, go. Go tell her now before it's too late."

Despite this revelation, I couldn't help but feel like a dick. Blair was smiling, but I knew she had to feel some level of hurt. I walked towards her and brought her into a hug.

"I'm sorry for what I did to you, Brie," Blair whispered in my ear.

I only held her tighter, "Don't be," and I pulled away, my hands still on her shoulders, "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have ever opened my eyes."

I kissed her on the cheek, and she smiled warmly. I turned to leave, and before I made my way downstairs, I looked at her once more. Her hand was on her face where my lips had been. I was glad I could give her that one last kiss, just something to hold on to.

"You really helped me, Blair," I said.

"Good." She said graciously. "Now go."

The urgency in her voice only fueled my determination.

I was under no time limit, but I couldn't help but want to reach Jujubee as soon as possible.

When I was outside, I shouted for the first cab I saw. Thankfully it pulled over. I got in and pulled out my phone.

But the car was still.

"Go! Drive!" I raised my voice.

"Lady. You haven't even told me where you're headed!" The cabbie turned in his seat.

Fuck, I sounded crazy. How he hadn't thrown me out was beyond me.

I only realised that I had no idea where my destination was. Jujubee could have been anywhere.

The driver was still looking at me, his patience growing thin. So I barked out Jujubee's address.

He seemed relieved to be on the road again. Only then was I aware of the honking cars behind us. Typical for New York, but this was too much.

I found Jujubee's number, trying my luck at the chance she'd answer.

It rang.

And it rang.

And it rang some more.

"Come on, come on," I repeated quietly to myself. Relax, Brie. It's not like she's catching a plane to the furthest state.

The phone went straight to voicemail. "Fuck!"

The cab driver glared at me in the rearview mirror.

I ignored him and tried again. Still nothing.

A few minutes passed, and I tried once more. But again, my luck was shit on.

I dropped my hands to my lap, sighing frustratedly. All I could do was just see if she was home.

My eyes trailed to beyond the window, just hoping to get there as soon as possible.

And there she was. Walking out of a pizza place, a solemn look on her face.

"There she is," I said aloud to myself before turning my attention to the cab driver. "Stop! Pull over!"

He came to a grinding halt. "Jesus Christ, lady! You really need to stop all that yelling and - -"

I handed him a $20 bill, "keep the change. Thank you."

I got out of the vehicle, eyes looking to where Jujubee once was. She was gone.

"Fuck." I looked down one path, not there. And looking down the other, there was Jujubee, rounding the corner and eating a slice of pizza.

I ran in my heels, people moving out of the way to dodge me.

I knew I was an inconvenience to so many, but Jujubee at that moment was my priority.

Rounding the corner, I saw she didn't get far. I couldn't help but bend over for a hot second, trying to catch my breath.

And when I recovered, I shouted out, "Jujubee!"

She turned, eyes wide like she had never heard my voice before. And when she saw it was me, her face sort of fell.

My hand reached into my bag, and I pulled out the Valentines Day card.

She looked confused at first, but then recognition settled in. And the disappointment was replaced with fear.

I stopped panting. And finally, I could speak. "You were right. Approval; That's all I ever wanted. And I thought that if Blair gave that to me, I'd be good enough. Because I never felt that. I never felt good enough. I wasn't good enough for Blair, I was never good enough for my parents, and I'd never be good enough for anyone."

Jujubee was silent for a moment, eyes falling to the pavement and then back up again. "You were good enough for me."

I breathed out. "I know. But I was...too caught up in my own shit to think about how you felt. Too caught up that...I didn't even think about how I felt." I paused, thinking of how the fuck I should say it. No, I didn't need to think. This wasn't some cheesy movie. "I...I love you, Juju."

She let out a breath, a shaky one like she was on the verge of tears. And her eyes became glossy. I really wanted to tell her not to cry, to be happy. But this moment, she wanted this all her life.

A tear slipped down her cheek, but she laughed. "Fuck, I got this fucking pizza 'cause I needed heartbreak food."

I returned the laugh. "Hey, it's OK. You can still eat it. It can be normal pizza."

"No. I'm not even hungry anyway." Jujubee admitted, passing the pizza to a random passerby (who was taken by surprise but accepted the free food anyway).

Jujubee walked towards me. I smiled, already smelling that sweet perfume.

But she pushed me back. "Fuck you for forgetting about the card. I knew you did. I always remembered yours."

"I'm so sorry. I don't know why I forgot. But," I paused, "Blair reminded me."

"She did?"

"Yep."

"Wow. She remembered. But you didn't."

"Yeah. I'm...really really sorry."

"Wow. Is this our first couple fight?" Jujubee put her hands on her hips.

"It could be. If... that's what you want to call us." I suggested.

"Perfect. Seal the deal?" She raised a brow.

I knew where this was going. "Oh, absolutely."

Jujubee stepped closer, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pressed her lips against mine. And that unfamiliar spark coursed through me, like it came from somewhere inside her and travelled through my body.

And I didn't care for the fact we were in the middle of the street, probably inconveniencing others. All that mattered was the happiness coursing through me, the feeling of...being complete.

I pulled out of the kiss first. "Wanna get in that rocket and be the first to go to the other world?"

Jujubee smiled but quickly stopped. "I-I'm kinda unprepared. I mean... I'd need a toothbrush, my clothes..."

"Where we're going...you don't need 'em." And then I played the words back in my head. "Oh. Oh shit, no. Not in that context. I just meant... you'd get new ones, you know? Fuck, I'm terrible at this."

"No. You're just you." Jujubee laughed, and fuck, I adored how her eyes were crinkling at the corners.

We grabbed the nearest cab. When we told him where we were going, his eyes widened. It would be a journey. But we paid upfront, so the driver remained silent.

When we got to base, I almost cursed myself for not thinking about how we'd access all the areas.

But there was that mastercard. And they couldn't say no. They knew who I was, after all.

When we were in the gowning area, Jujubee and I helped each other into spacesuits. I was high with anticipation, ready to see what was on the other side, ready to do it all with Jujubee.

This was our dream.

Jujubee grabbed two helmets. One for her and one for me. She tossed it my way, and I caught it.

"Ready to go?" She asked.

"Absolutely." I extended my hand, and we made our way to the door.

The cold cool air was refreshing. My eyes travelled up and down the rocket. It was bigger than I imagined, and for a small second, I felt worthless. Like I was just Brianna Caldwell, a girl from a small town with no real purpose in this world.

But Jujubee slid her hand into mine. And I was reminded that all I had to do was shut my inner demons up. Because I did have a purpose. And I was something to someone. As long as I had her, that was all that mattered.

Jujubee smiled mischievously, pulling me along the bridge, leading me to the already opened door. She ducked down and climbed into the small space, and I followed.

It was disorientating at first, what with the rocket facing the sky. I feared I'd fall trying to get into my seat. But Jujubee continued to pull me along.

When we were seated, I wasted no time putting on my helmet and initiated the activation process.

I could feel Jujubee's smirk as I flicked at switches and pressed buttons. It only fueled my excitement.

A voice came through the radio, one of the engineers. We were bombarded with questions, demanding to know what we were doing, how it was too early for take off with no press to film it, all sorts of complaints.

But we didn't care.

When everything seemed ready to go, I put my hand on the lever. But before I pulled, I turned my head to her.

"Ready to see the flying horses?" I raised a brow.

"Just as ready as I am for the cats that bark." She breathed out a laugh through her nostrils.

With another smile, I pulled the lever. The ship was rumbling now, and my stomach was doing somersaults.

We both turned our attention to the sounds of protest from the engineers. They were livid now, shouting about how the media wasn't going to like this.

I lifted my hand up, flipping the source of the sound off. Jujubee cackled to my delight.

I put the intercom on mute. And the ship took off. Mom was gonna kill me for this. I'd definitely bring her back a gift. A new vase, maybe? Yeah. A vase from an entirely new world. Something new.

I looked forward, unable to see the ground below us. How high were we already? How long was left until we reached that crossover, the gateway?

My question was answered as the ship was illuminated by a bright light.

We did it, Grandpa. We did it.

#rpdr fanfiction #s10 #as5 #miz cracker #jujubee #blair st clair #blair x cracker #coming of age #hurt/comfort #lesbian au #angst #gimme love #grinder #tw mental health discussion

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