#BC I honestly don't know anymore
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this isn't gonna make a lick of sense if you haven't seen the tiktok of the girl talking about the hunger games fanfiction she read where a tribute gets gifted a machine gun but i'm sorry .... i'm rocking with fanfiction that's "implausible" like, wdym??? wdym a tribute with a machine gun makes you want to quit the story because it took you out of the fanfic???? it's just getting good bro. strap in. things are about to go wild in that arena. "it's not believable :( " if i wanted believable i'd read the actual published book. go ahead and throw renee rapp into the arena while we're at it, i wanna see where this goes.
#to me in essence this is the point of fanfiction#i know i talk about this all the time but like i genuinely don't understand#i thought it was common consensus that fanfic was just wack as hell like that#for fun reasons..... because.... yk. ... it's fanfic#honestly sometimes i think this is why no one is embarrassed anymore to admit they read fanfiction these days. they just go on tiktok#with their whole name and face and say 'i was reading this one piece fanfiction...'#and they're okay doing that bc they're not reading fanfic where people just whip out machine guns anymore... like god. is nothing sacred???#nat speaks
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Funny how all it takes is a couple of conversations with a cis straight man about gender to make me go "yup I'm definitely not cis"
#listen I adore my stepfather ok but he's got a pretty traditional view of gender#he's very respectful of others and doesn't enforce it on anyone else#and I think it's not that toxic all things considered bc he sees 'manhood' as being primarily about being hard working and protecting other#but it's still very gender essentialist#and he sees a lot of things as 'man things' and 'woman things'#and talks about skills and roles that are 'men's'#and I'm just like well but I do a lot of those things. but I identify with a lot of the things you describe.#and he tries to go around it like 'ahh well but you have personal history with that' etc etc#we get along really well tho we don't fight or anything but it's interesting to me#it makes me realize just how much I'm outside of the binary in the eyes of cis people#and how much 'trying to be a man' or 'trying to be a woman' are things that hold no emotional meaning to me(personally)#I could not care less what makes me masculine or feminine or if either of those labels are revoked for some reason#taking on the label of woman or man feels like a burden to me bc it always comes with a set of expectations#I just wanna be me yk. I just want people to see me through the lens of 'this is a person'#'this is what this person likes. this is how this person behaves'#I just wanna turn off gender. can I do that? like just flip a switch and no one perceives me as anything anymore#in a perfect world maybe#sleep.txt#I honestly still don't fully understand how I feel about gender but. I know that I don't like being put into a box#the box is Evil.
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Warriors smiles. It's bright and wide and warm, relieved and watery and wobbly, and he feels like his body has just been recreated. The mourning over losing his only family to portals and fate ebbs from his chest, escapes through the laugh he lets out, incredulous and elated, maybe slightly hysterical, but Legend lets one out that sounds much the same, so he feels a bit more justified in it.
Instantly, the present burn in his chest snuffs out, smoke in his lungs and soot on his bones, and the hello, good morning, I love you, wants to pour out of him like water to a rickety dam.
piece to accompany a wip fic of mine, cinnamon
#qkdraws#suncaster au#suncaster warriors#suncaster legend#the legend of zelda#qpr wars and ledge#legend of zelda#tloz#loz#loz au#zelda au#tag this however y'all like! i don't mind ships or anything go nuts#i'm ? gonna tag this as the ranch au bc <3 the fic takes place at the beginning of that au#so !!! canon stuff :) woo#i love them.#so genuinely. with my entire heart#u can't see it super well in the lighting but wars is tearing up btw . this is important#why is he tearing up ? why is this such an emotional moment? wouldn't u like to know weatherboy#GVIYEAGV if ur curious tho feel free to ask obviously . i simply don't wanna ramble in the tags here i do that enough#honestly at this point im reluctant to even tag stuff w lu anymore but . then nobody will see it so GVIYAEGVA#oh the woes
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you should add them on Facebook, Sakura's about to to post some kandi tutorials
full images without the gifs & with the original colors below the cut!
Left is with the copious amounts of gradient maps I used to make it look like the picture was taken with the flash on and Right is the OG colors!!!
The gifs in the above image are from Instagram. I cannot get Blingee to load on my wifi whatsoever
Here's a close up of my FAVORITE part of the whole piece
I got the manga pages from @hetascanlations !! I believe they're from 2014, chapter 1, on the blog!!!
I also know this is a mess when it comes to the time period, oops! I originally was going for more of a 2008ish look, with Scene Amelia and (Dark) Decora Sakura, but with the 2014 manga and addition of kandi, they kinda just look like 2020s scene revivalists... oops! I don't think I leaned into the decora look enough for Sakura as well. I'll definitely do decora fashion better for her individual illustration
I also need everyone to know that they made each other's necklaces. They were meant to be friendship necklaces, which is why Amelia's has an S, but Amelia got LAZY and just made one big necklace for Sakura that she's looped around her neck three times. Sakura made the star that Amelia's wearing too :)c also they traded hairclips
This entire thing was sparked by me thinking abt Amelia to Avril Lavigne's "One Of Those Girls," which I HAVEEEEE to draw her to. May draw an individual Sakura illustration as well, for funsies. The first time I saw a picture of people with super teased and flat-ironed hair with all of the dyed raccoon tail extensions, it was OVER for me. Age 10, I wanted to be them SO BAD. Anyway, I wouldn't consider myself scene, I definitely considered myself emo in the early 2010s, but I got a lot of hand-me-downs from a friend who was scene, including the shirt that Amelia's sweatshirt is based off of and some DC shoes!!! I won't lie, though, Amelia's definitely wearing some cowboy boots with her fit. Sakura's probably got some checkered vans. Anyway, they're probably listening to Breathe Carolina and Millionaires
I also absolutely ruined my Spotify feed for this drawing, so, hope you all enjoy because my Spotify wrapped will NOT!
#if amelia wasn't trashy in the 2000s I DON'T WANT HER#i call this piece: the lasting effects of how my mother wouldnt let me go into hot topic in 2009 bc it was “evil”#this isn't really meant to be ship art but i honestly don't know what to tag it as other than ameripan#i don't ship them anymore but i DO enjoy their friendship#let them be absolute dorky nerds together#RIP Sakura and Amelia you would've looooved cartoon network and nicktoons in the 2000s#hetalia#hetalia fanart#hws america#hws japan#nyotalia#nyo!america#nyo!japan#ameripan#nyo!ameripan#flash warning#tw flashing#tw flickering#cw flashing#eyestrain#tw eyestrain#floralcrematorium art
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not autistic enough to be diagnosed with aspergers in my country, not neurotypical enough to be around people and not feeling like I'm from another planet, but a secret third thing
#yeah we haven't adopted ICD-11 yet and I honestly don't know when we would do it#bc of all the panic around transgender people and just a total stupidity and inhumanity of this fucking gov#my traits are just too “mild” for me to be diagnosed w aspergers lmao#it's more like a “broaden autism phenotype” here#but it's not a thing anymore?? I'm still autistic?? bc of all my traits just. meeting the criteria of ICD-11??#I honestly hate it here#btw I scored high on RAADS-R and AQ so idk maybe I fall under aspergers criteria too#actually autistic#autism
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whenever people say jack and alex dated/g&c is about jalex/etc they're generally joking but i want people to know im being so real when i say that i think jack and alex were together for a brief time
#i've always been deliberately vague about how i feel about this bc i know it's an unpopular opinion#and i know people who genuinely think that certain band members dated have a bad reputation#so like i know i sound insane sometimes#but i kind of don't care anymore#i wanna share my thoughts bc i have so many but so few people share my opinion#and the thing that always gets me is that everyone knows it's there#like if there's enough reason to make jokes about the fact that maybe they dated for a time then why can't it be for real#also i want to make it very clear that i have absolutely nothing against lisa#in fact i genuinely really like her#this isn't me being one of *those* fans#i just honestly think that jack and alex were more than friends during the time alex was separated from lisa#i could write an entire essay on why i think this#(i have done fr)#i promise i'm not just pulling this out of my ass LMAO#jack#jack barakat#alex#alex gaskarth#jalex#all time low
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today, cupimon prays for your happiness too.
#digimon#cupimon#oc:elise#made myself draw more personal oc art when not working on comms haha#tbh the motivation behind this was a moment of weakness. like. wanting people to tell you you have done well and everything will be ok#but i also want to heal others that way. it's complicated. the world only seems to get harsher and harsher#holy or angel type digis are good picks for such and cupimon are adorable#imma be realistic this is a pretty tough time to be alive. let's not even try to compare with past eras or the like#the truth is so many of us are struggling so friggin hard we don't even know it anymore bc it's become so routine to our life#but it's honestly? really twisted? if you think of it that way. we're so used to suffering in life. it's so sad.#can only hope things get better someway. somehow. may good news even a little arrives to each of yall this week#btw really sorry folks. after the ai fiasco this site has gotten itself into i'm gonna post even lower res version for my newer works jic#artists writers creatives. do stay safe. keep yourselves and your work safe as much as you can#do what you need to do regardless it matters to you or not ok!#png
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actually, as i start approaching 20 i realize nana is not a cool coming of age story but it is, in fact, a horror
#as i age i can't blame hachi anymore#i used to throw so much shit at the “adults” for not protecting shin#but now i realizr your power over a teenager is so so limited unless you are his actual family#the best you can do is be a good influence and soft-parent him into being a decent person#hachi's actions make more sense than they did when i was 16 now and i understand how she was petrified to make a decision in those situation#ren's death hits more and more as a tragedy now realizing how young and misguided and stressed he truly was#and yasu too bc honestly as i live closer to people his age i realize he wasnt so much older or even maturer#he took care of others even though he himself didnt know anything much#being put in those situations without the backing of your family or someone actually wise is so so horrible i don't know what i would do#and i do get junko bc of this bc when you are not in the situation yourself it is easy to just be the virtuous one and play god#nana#i will reread this once i actually hit 20
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so uh
#a sock speaks#I think I might actually experience attraction to men? not as definitively as to women but sometimes#I think I was compartmentalizing things for quite a while#bc I didn't feel okay to have a relationship with a woman#and if I wasn't willing to have a relationship with a woman then it felt weird/wrong somehow to#allow myself to be with a man?#it felt like a betrayal somehow. I felt like I'd be judged or punished for it. or even if not that I'd be doing something wrong.#in retrospect this was the OCD talking#I don't really consider myself side b in the same way anymore. I don't know that I'd enter a relationship#but largely that's because I have anxiety about intimacy and issues with self worth 👍#but I've realized that I can't always tell the difference between shame over wrongdoing and fear of how others will react to me#and fear is not worth a life choice of that scale. but love is#and honestly. I'm acearo spec. I'm not likely to have a conventional relationship. for the present I'm still not planning on a relationship#I've wondered if maybe I have a celibate vocation. which is still possible even with all of this [gestures vaguely]#idk. for now I'm using the word queer to describe myself. it's comfortably open ended.#but also I was too afraid that dating/marrying a man would place me into a power structure I could never escape#and now I think maybe I don't have to be as afraid of that#now the awkward thing would be to let friends/family know without making them think I'm ex-gay 💀
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I don't think his hair is his grayest feature
#i swear he's SO gray it HAS to be on purpose otherwise this man wins the ashiest skin award#he might just be actually gray. anime gets away with coloring black characters so badly idk who to trust anymore#honestly idk how to feel about this game the art is REALLY good and apparently it's a thriller? but the writing as of now is kinda awkward#might be bc it's the intro i just hope it gets better#rn we got this dogboy who wants the protag to follow him but he hasn't said shit and so we dont know ehat he wants#and these lame ass dudes (who i have to play as) picked a fight with him#and we just kinda pushed aside the main issues for now??? idk i haven't played the fight yet but i dont like the writing#doesnt help that the translation is kinda bad as well BUT as far as i'm aware these erolabs games don't have super big teams behind them soo#i'll try to be kind and hope they get better
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also while i'm on a tangent, i think ppl need to stop using twitter and the man who owns that site needs to be de-platformed 👍
#like it's very telling that most (if not all? from what i could tell) of the hate speech about lewis staying at the ferrari house was from#one specific source (twitter). like i went on reddit and looked at the comments and even tho some ppl were not thrilled about it#nothing said was out of line and no slurs were found. and i know reddit isn't perfect but it's honestly preferable to twitter for getting#f1 news at this point. bc at least the mods will try and remove ppl if they cross a certain line. meanwhile on twitter teflon is actively#encouraging hate speech against minorities and it seems like things are just getting worse on that site esp now w us politics#and i don't think that ppl should be subjecting themselves to that esp when they're bipoc (and/or queer)#i saw a post earlier that said smth about how you can't block everyone on social media bc that's not how it works and that's true#(and i have a lot of thoughts about blocking culture esp on tumblr but that's another post lol)#but you can choose which platforms to give your time and energy to and twitter shouldn't be one of them anymore imo
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Sometimes I get notes on a post or something, but when I go to look at it, it's as if it isn't there. The number goes up and everything, but I can't see who liked the post or whatever was done. If this was my other blog, I'd assume it was a note on that one post that I used XKit to block notifications for since it was clogging my feed. I can still see a notification, but I can't see the actual note itself. I sometimes see the time slot when this happens, though.
I don't have any posts that I've done that with on this blog, though, so I have no idea what the cause of it is. I have a couple of guesses, but that's about it:
The note came from a person who I had blocked on my main, but for some reason neglected to properly block on my sideblogs.
The note came from a person who blocked me on my main, but not my sideblog, for some reason, even though you can tell who owns my more active sideblogs because I literally put my main in the description, and usually link back to it somewhere on the blog itself. Though admittedly, I don't really know who pays that much attention to that; I feel like a lot of people here don't pay attention to a lot of the things I try to say that don't relate directly to the fandom, most notably my pinned post with relevant BYF links and a DNI statement writ in bold letters...
So yes, sometimes I'll get what I refer to as "ghost notes", and I wonder about them. It's a little stressful, due to the probable reasons I cannot see them that I mentioned.
#Mun Post#don't mind me too much; just thinking I suppose#up too late at night after having had too much caffeine again#being in the fandom isn't as fun as it used to be; I feel incredibly wary of almost everyone I meet anymore#trying not to step on landmines I don't know exist; or else exploding bc someone stomped all over mine when they were clearly marked#the explosion can take many forms but mostly involves me quietly stewing in upset for a while#which is basically how I respond to coming across others; honestly.#anyways as long as you play by the rules then don't be afraid to talk to me!#I do try to be civil on here at least; tho that's largely contingent on other people doing the same and minding the boundaries I've set
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#admin post#hoyo-mix#zzz#zenless zone zero#honkai impact#hi3#hsr#honkai star rail#genshin will still be solely at genshimp3#but i'm preparing for when zzz releases because i just KNOW i'm gonna want to upload its ost#but i don't really want to make another blog and this one feels kinda empty/idle since i'm not going as in depth#in general i don't think i'll ever go as in depth as genshin's is anymore bc its honestly a pain ajkdsf#i don't play hi3 but i wouldn't mind uploading all their osts. itll give me an excuse to listen to the whole thing anyways lol#there are a lot though so it'll take me a while and this blog might feel spammy in that sense for a bit OTL#if this one stays hsr though that's fine too. then i'll just focus solely on zzz in a new blog
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Realized I'm too lashy outy rn to even try and claw my way out of this by talking to people because if I have to hear people gush about their love lives rn it's gonna kill me and make me just not behave right and I don't WANT to do that I'm just so goddamn jealous.
#like it's not like i haven't loved hard enough or anything it's UNFAIR that other people can fall deeply in love in like months#it's UNFAIR that they get to be happy when they didn't even CARE that much about dating#and it's ESPECIALLY unfair when i obviously love all these people bc even if there's one BIG love i actually like#actively WANT to date#it's not like im not a little in love with everyone i know#and im not good enough for any of them :')#genuinely i don't know what to do im ACTUALLY at my wit's end atm#i cant do this much longer tbh#if any longer#I can't be some pathetic thing no one loves anymore#it's too much and i can't handle it#honestly gonna do something risky probably and maybe even very permanent#hurts too much not to at least TRY to leave
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last rb stressed me out lowkey akakska i had an ex like that and it became a self fulfilling prophecy kinda thing..
#like oof where do i even begin#for one... would recommend looking up what pedestalling is so u can catch urself when ur doing it.#and. hm. honestly even working on self worth n whatnot i think rly internalizing not 2 pedestal ppl cuts out a lot of self sabotage#like hello ppl in ur life r there bc they choose to be. you are worth it to them and they are showing u that w action.#u gotta be vulnerable.. u gotta trust in other ppl.. cautious optimism is fine but 😮💨😮💨#i hate when ppl assume what im thinking and feeling and act upon that. assumptions on assumptions.#my mom was like that in a mean spirited vindictive way. my ex would spiral if i took too long to respond stressed as hell#thinking that i had all these horrible thoughts about her or that i was just using her like holy shit I'm just sitting here drawing ajsjka#i am trying to make friends. i am recovering from my own personal circumstances and trying to figure myself out etc.#was also actively working on finding myself as a trans woman bc it was so early in my transition.#idk. like damn ppl have Lives‚ hobbies‚ other ppl they talk to‚ they take time for themselves.#if u don't know and ur stressed about it‚ ask..? but then believe ppl when they answer idk.#sorry.. I've annoyed myself lmao. it was wild... things were dead simple on my end but she came up w hella things she swore HAD to have bee#true and after breaking up w her she kept DMing me w long ass self deprecating vents and mischaracterisations#i had to block her after a while like 😐 u ever see somebody go to therapy and get worse somehow#i cannot fw people who have low self esteem anymore but like i sympathize from a distance lol#hello from the other side of the interaction... self love/worth is hard but please try#ur mischaracterization of ppl based on assumptions is hurting them and it will alienate ppl n push them away#and then become a sort of self fulfilling prophecy.. but also take what I'm saying w a grain of salt 🤷🏾♀️#i just have my personal experiences
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laira schmitt, with love, always. / emily berry, the numbers game / p.d / unknown / cowboyvamp
#was this worth the amount of time i put into it trying to find sources? no#did i have to remove a lot of the quotes i wanted in here bc i couldn't find most of the sources? yes#did i include one unknown anyway bc that quote was the one that got me going? yes i did#am i posting it anyway? yeah ig why not#been thinking a lot about byan's childhood recently and part of it is bc spacy-#well. bc spacy. bc of course it was spacy.#but specifically bc she got me thinking about byan finally getting some revenge on even just one of the people who hurt them and i just#i've been spiralling thinking about it since then#i don't think you're SUPPOSED to weave one quote throughout the whole thing but u know what idc this is my blog#honestly this might not even be fully coherent i can't tell anymore bc i've been staring at it for too long#anyway. dinner and then i'll see about some actual writing now that this is finally out of my head#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ musings ⋮ cowards only come through when the hour's late.
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