#Autism so bad I could even eat my BAGEL

[rooolt]

Autism so bad I have to leave work early

[anti-transphobia]

There is such a huge difference in good faith identities and an unhealthy obsession with trying to label every aspect of your own existence. I just saw a flag and term coined under the asexual label about liking to hug people without experiencing sexual attraction. Not only weirdly implying that a majority of hugs are sexual, it's just....not good for you. To do this to yourself. I could psychoanalyze but given the specific example being done by one person I don't think it's appropriate to

This is such a huge problem in general though. People pathologize every aspect of existence, ie, "don't like loud noises? That's trauma/autism/etc". Those things COULD and often ARE symptoms of PTSD and autism but they're not a tell-tale sign by any means and a ton of people without them just find sudden loud noises annoying because it startles them. That's it. A real "not that deep" situation. Trying to find a way every part of existence is actually a disorder is not only spreading misinformation about these disorders, but is just SO bad for your understanding of self and others. To try to say every emotion, reaction, experience someone has is a disorder. It's not. It's just not. It feels like people being obsessed with putting things in boxes and having more labels to call themselves

And this isn't an "oh I saw a few TikTok screenshots and have decided to pretend it's an issue" situation. I've had to argue with people that things I experience have nothing to do with autism! Yes I am autistic and yes that does impact my life. But not everything is a symptom of it. I talked about how I don't like blueberries in anything. I like them fine on their own but when mixed in with breads like bagels or muffins I think it's gross. They tried to convince me it was an autism thing. "Texture issues are a common part of being autistic", they insisted. Yeah. I know. There's a lot of foods I can't eat because of it. I literally just don't like the taste of blueberries when they're mixed in with other things. I actually had to tell this person MULTIPLE TIMES to get them to stop that I'm well aware of sensory issues and autism but everyone has food preferences, even allistic people!

Idk guys but things are getting dire!!!! You're not allowed to exist in any capacity without people trying to put a label on it!!!!!!!

[massivedrickhead]

Could you do a follow up to your Bechloe prompt the one where Chloe accidental reveals she used to have anorexia? Could you maybe do that Chloe has been sorta struggling for a couple of weeks- beca asks her if she’s okay and then they have a heart to heart about chloes anorexia or something?

Part 1

Read on AO3

Trigger warning: anorexia/eating disorders are discussed.

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“Chlo’?” Beca called through the apartment. “Are you home?”

She was tired after a long day at the studio, and was looking forward to spending the rest of her evening cuddled up with her girlfriend, eating pizza and watching trashy TV. 

“Yeah,” Chloe called from the bathroom. A few seconds later, Chloe emerged, typing something into her phone.

“Oh are we just not flushing now?” Beca asked. “Are we at that stage in our relationship?”

“Shut up,” Chloe said, rolling her eyes but grinning. “I was in there to use the scales.”

“We have scales?”

“We do now, yes,” Chloe said, dropping down onto the sofa. “How was work?”

“Long,” Beca said. “And stressful. I’m starving, we didn’t get a chance to break for lunch. I’m running on coffee and a bagel I had for breakfast. Can we order pizza?”

“We should really stop spending so much money on takeout,” Chloe said. 

“Please? From Tony’s? My treat?”

“I’m not really hungry,” Chloe said. “I ate when I got home.”

“Fine,” Beca moaned. She stood up and made her way to the kitchen. “But if we don’t have anything good in, I’m gonna order from Tony’s and eat the entire pizza myself. And then I’ll get sick and you’ll have to deal with it.”

“You could just order a smaller pizza,” Chloe said.

“Your logic has no place here, Beale,” Beca said, head in the freezer as she rummaged for food. “How was work?”

“Fine,” Chloe replied.

Beca paused, waiting to see if she was going to elaborate. Chloe always elaborated. Her day was never just good, or bad, or fine. There was always a story. Chloe could make even the most boring mundane day into a story that left Beca in stitches. 

She shut the freezer and glanced around the kitchen. It was as clean as it had been when Beca left this morning, which lead her to believe Chloe hadn’t actually cooked anything. 

Chloe was a firm believer that every dish, no matter what it had been used for, needed to “soak” before she could clean it. Which meant that Beca, who couldn’t stand dirty dishes in the sink, would end up washing them before they went to bed.

“What time did you get home?” Beca asked, trying to keep her voice casual.

“Like 5:30,” Chloe said. 

Beca checked her watch, it was only 7 pm. Chloe usually waited for her to get home before making dinner or if she knew she’d be home late, she would save her something.

Beca left the kitchen and returned to the living room. Chloe was still looking at her phone, frowning. 

“Find anything good?” Chloe asked.

“What did you make earlier?” Beca asked.

“Nothing,” Chloe said, glancing up from her phone. “I grabbed a sandwich from the deli on the way home.” Beca was still looking at her, as if trying to figure something out. “What?”

“Which deli?”

“The one on the corner.”

“Giordinos?”

“Beca, what are you doing?” Chloe asked. 

“What are you doing? Why do we have scales now?”

Chloe shrugged. “I just wanted to know how much I weighed,” she said, trying not to meet Beca’s eyes.

“Chloe,” Beca said softly, sitting down beside her. “You told me you’d speak to me if things started getting bad again.”

“Things aren’t getting bad,” Chloe said, still not looking at her. “I literally just bought some bathroom scales, you don’t have to be so dramatic.”

“You told me a few weeks ago that you used to have an eating disorder. And now you’re… you’re lying about skipping meals and you’re worrying about your weight and-”

“-wondering, not worrying,” Chloe said cutting her off. “And what makes you think I’m lying?”

“Giordinos shuts at 3 pm on Thursdays,” Beca said. “So unless you left work early you didn’t get a sandwich for dinner. And the kitchen is clean so I know you didn’t cook. And now you can’t even look at me. Babe, I’m not gonna be mad or judgmental or anything, you know that right? I meant what I said the other week, no matter what you’re going through I’m here for you. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Chloe said, finally giving in and looking at Beca. She almost cried at the look of worry on Beca’s face.

“What’s going on, Chlo’? Did something happen?”

Chloe sighed. “You know that guy Derek I work with?”

“Tall guy with glasses? Kinda intense?”

“Yeah,” Chloe said. “He spoke to you for like 45 minutes about electronic keyboards when you said you worked for a record label.”

“Yeah, I remember him.”

“Well he has autism, so he can sometimes come across as a bit blunt without meaning to,” Chloe said. “He just… the other day he happened to mention that he thought I was gaining weight. And it kinda… It stuck with me. It’s been rattling around in there.”

“How long?”

“A week or so,” Chloe said. “I finally caved and bought some scales on my way home today and he was right, I have put weight on since I last weighed myself. It just made me feel bad.”

Beca sighed and reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind Chloe’s ear. “You know I think you’re beautiful, right?”

“Yeah,” Chloe said, smiling slightly. “But I still don’t feel good about myself. The thought of stuffing myself with pizza right now makes me feel sick. Like rewarding bad behaviour.”

“Bad behaviour? Putting on a little bit of weight isn’t bad behaviour, Chloe. It’s just part of being alive. You shouldn’t punish yourself for that,” Beca said. Chloe still looked unconvinced. “Look, if you don’t wanna eat unhealthy food, that’s okay, but you can’t just stop eating. We can start having healthier meals at home, I can get some recipes from Sheila or something, and we can cut back on takeout. We can eat more nutritional stuff, but no dieting. Healthy food, not less food, okay?”

Chloe rubbed at a spot on her forehead where a headache was forming. “Okay,” she said. 

“How obsessive are you likely to be about weighing yourself?” Beca asked, leaning forward to kiss Chloe on the forehead. 

“Pretty obsessive,” Chloe admitted.

“Okay, then I’m getting rid of the scales,” Beca said. “So, what do you want for dinner? I can make that curry thing you like?”

“It’s late,” Chloe said. “You can order pizza if you want.”

“And you’ll eat some?”

“Could you get me one of their salads?”

“They do salads?”

Chloe laughed and nodded, before she wrapped her arms around Beca, burying her face in the crook of her neck. “Thank you. I really love you a lot.”

“I really love you a lot too,” Beca said. 

[anothergirlrecovering]

Dietician day two

This dietitian is honestly so sweet and compassionate and I actually think that might be what I need right now. She weighed me first and then didn’t actually say anything about my way initially and we came back in and she asked how my week was and I said good and then I asked her how hers was and I was surprised because usually when you ask that people generally just give you another oh it’s good but she actually was authentic and sharing about how she took her kid to school this morning and since the holidays she’s been trying to get back into the swing of things and she feels like she’s finally getting back into that groove and it wasn’t shared in like an inappropriate over sharing kind of way but more so as an authentic connecting aspect which I actually really liked because it made her more human and made it easier to connect to her because I think it’s hard to want to see a dietitian when there’s no relationship there. She asked me what my thoughts were about last time Because she knows that sometimes her perspective isn’t the same as clients perspectives and she wanted to know how I was feeling about everything and when I thought after I left. I explained that actually really like her and was surprised by how nice she was because it’s so hit and miss for dietitians where sometimes they are very by the book and intense about doing things the right way and she kind of explained a little bit of her role with pushing me but always doing it from this place of caring and how she knows the last time she had been pushing me and I had gotten a little bit triggered and upset and I explained that I expected that because there wouldn’t be progress made if I wasn’t being pushed and I explained how I think since our last session that it just made me think a lot about my relationship with food and I think it was kind of sobering and disheartening because it made me really think about the fact that I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food you know as a kid it was stealing food from neighbors homes in hOrding and begging kids for leftovers and always being ravenously hungry and now where I thought I’d been doing well but obviously I have a lot of anxiety about different things and I explained how I think a lot of anxiety is around good or bad right and wrong and a lot of times my anxiety gets bad and it’s like I would rather eat nothing then eat the bad thing or the wrong thing and she asked where that’s coming from and I explained a lot of it I think has been ingrained through my parents because they’re so neurotic and she kind of went on a little bit of a tangent about my parents being unhealthy and rigid and she was like I don’t mean to sound like I’m judging them but that’s just kind of the perception that I’m getting From what you are saying and I was like no they really are neurotic and then I burst into tears and started crying and saying I don’t want to be neurotic and like them and I think what was hard about this week was realizing that you know I think initially missing breakfasts and lunches were truly just because I was busy and not thinking about it and now at this point when I’ve thought about actually adding it back and I realize I have a lot of anxiety about doing that and I don’t want to be crazy and neurotic and struggling and as crazy and stupid and irrational as it sounds there’s also that part of me that’s like if you are seeing a dietitian you should be sick and you should be losing weight and I told her about a comment someone made to me about my weight recently and how upsetting it was And just how I do want to be better. She also asked if I’ve been actively restricting and I said no not with like a mindset of I’m trying to skip this meal to lose a half a pound but have I skipped meals and technically have no one else to blame besides myself? Yes. Give me a worksheet about values and asked me to circle the ones that fit me and to start my top three to help me see when I am recovering for. She asked me about how challenging the voice was going and I said I was doing it and then we talked very specifically about breakfast because breakfast is the hardest and she asked me what are used to like and I was like honestly it’s hard to know because I feel like everything ends up making me feel sick in general and I’m not really sure why and she basically brought up having things like bagels or yogurt or nuts and a banana or something and she asked what I liked and I said that I did love bagels but like am I going to swing by Panera every day no because it’s out-of-the-way since she got this great idea where I go to Panera want to week and get a bunch of them for the rest of the week and that made my anxiety go up and you started writing things down and I explained how terribly worried I am that if I start eating I’ll end up Ravenous which is what it was like for me as a kid and a teenager and she brought up time in recovery and I explained that I actually don’t really remember a whole lot of that but I was working in a setting where we had breakfast snack lunch snack and then I would have dinner so it was easy to eat in a very structured way because that’s what the kids were doing so I assume it was fine because I remember that I would weigh myself like every day to make sure that me eating Oreos and things like that weren’t going to actually make me balloon up. I also asked about my weight and what her goal weight for me is which also increase my anxiety because she was like honestly I’m not really worried about figuring that out at this point because I just want you to get to a healthy weight and I said that I knew from my height and my weight what the 5 pounds over 100 room was so I know what most people said expect me to be but the thought of being that weight terrifies me and she said that most people generally do feel their best when they are at or around that weight or a little bit above of the below but she said let’s not worry about that right now we can figure it out as we go more importantly we need to get you to a healthy weight. I said OK and she asked me when I used to eat for breakfast back then when things were going well and I was like well back then it was easy because I would have one kid in the morning and we would basically eat breakfast together but like I love pancakes but like obviously I can’t really make pancakes every morning and she was like so maybe in the morning time is and when you have your highest energy which is fine that’s not everybody but she was like do you have And microwave or fridge at your job and I was like neither but I can bring a cooler but I microwave is there on Mondays and Thursdays so she quickly wrote that down and was like well you can make pancakes and I before I keep them in the fridge to take with you for Mondays and Thursdays could you put nut butter on it and I was like yeah I mean over the weekends I do generally do things like that and I explained that over the last weekend I had waffles with peanut butter and maple sera up and strawberries and Chia seeds and hemp seeds and she was like you that sounds good I want to come eat at your house and I was like well there’s a chef in the family so I assume I’ve learned a thing or two and she was like well that sounds like a great meal and I was like yeah it was. She asked about me getting the bagels and if it was something that I could do you and I said I would try it so that’s better than no and I honestly just sat there the whole time with my eyes filled with tears about to bring them over and she was like I can tell that I’ve really triggered you a lot I was like just a little hand she wrote on my little paper when she was getting ready to leave that she’s giving me permission to eat and she was like I feel like that something you need to have you do you have my permission to eat and I was like information to get better and she was like and permission to get better and she wrote that down to with a smiley face. We had also talked about my parents and how she said she will let me talk to Lynn about setting boundaries with them which I didn’t really say anything to because it’s not all the time that my parents say things to me about nutrition but I explained that it just creates a much anxiety because I’m like what if GMO it really does cause autism and she was like but your parents live in the what if’s and that’s so terribly anxiety provoking and not something that you want for your life. She was like maybe next time they say something you can be like listen mind dad I am working on having a healthy relationship with food right now and I don’t want to look at any articles and she was like they do you know what you have an eating disorder right and I was like I mean not really they know that I had one but even then I’m not really sure that they believe it. She asked me about accountability with breakfast and if I would be willing to ask anyone to help me stay accountable or just to tell somebody that I was going to do it and I was like honestly no because I don’t want it to set up unhealthy dynamic’s with people or for people to think I’m doing worse than I am or I mean I guess I’m not doing great but I don’t want that to become a knowledgeable thing and she was like you can also email me I can be that person I do that for people and I just said OK and she was like no really you can and she was like or we can do recovery record that to whatever would be helpful. I said OK but we didn’t actually really talk anymore about that and since we didn’t set up recovery record, I didn’t say anything further. I also mentioned feeling like my weight was fine and being worried about that we came and she was like I’m not trying to plump you up and make you obese but I am trying to get you healthy and she said that I did lose weight from last week and I am currently under weight which is what I knew.She asked me to follow her into the copy room while she made a copy of my goals for the week and I did and she was like I didn’t ask a lot of questions I typically end up asking people but things like movement and I was like don’t worry I like don’t exercise and she was like really OK good because I was going to say you can’t be exercising right now while your weight is trending downward. She said we need to see you in the healthy range before you even think about doing exercise and I was like actually hate exercise but I do a few court building things that the physical therapist has asked me to do and she reminded me that half I’m not eating then my body is going to pull energy from the muscles and I was like yeah glycogen stores are depleted within 2 to 3 days and she was like see you do you know all of this and I was like I know it’s just I guess hard to apply sometimes.

[voidlitmoon]

THIS! IS! SO! TRUE!!

As another individual who has autism and intense sensory issues, it's very hard for me to deal with.. well a LOT

In elementary school I had to have my mom bring bagels to school because I couldnt handle the taste of ANYTHING. I have a clear memory of one time running out of bagels so I got the cheese pizza instead and you know how people say school pizza taste like cardboard with bad sauce? Ya, it ONLY tasted like moldy cardboard and I spat it out, and didnt eat till I got home

I'm vegetarian as well, so this brings the list even more down. Another story I was having a bad morning (2019 around November, 10th grade) my mom brought me to work before school and has hot chocolate packets for when I'm there (since I go there often)

The only thing is she made it with coconut milk, but it only had a TINYYYY bit in it apparently. Note I dont like coconut, at all. She puts a decent size in her coffee and only a bit in my hot cocoa due to my anxiety, and takes a big gulp saying she didnt even taste it. I take a SIP, and I'm so heavily over powered I ran over to the sink to spit it out. It tasted horrible and I couldnt drink it, and it was stuck in my mouth till I had pizza lunch

There are combo foods I can have, but with exceptions. Pizza I loveee, but I can only handle cheese, and only some places. Little Cesar's was my favorite pizza place until they change their sause I think it was, and one day I took a bite and it was one of the worst slices I had ever eaten, still is. I looked it up after I ate it and found out, that's how sensitive I didnt even know

Forget food touching, a carrot touches cottage cheese? Heck no I cant eat that. Those places that put frys touching the mac and cheese? Bye bye cheesy frys. I have found combos I like (fries and ice cream is delicious) but mostly? Nope, it's out the window

And dont get me started with clothing. Sometimes I put on a pair of compliments clean pjs I could wear perfectly fine last week, but now its complete hell and I have to switch immediately for the itching to stop. Some things like super fluffy cotton is horrible and I cant even hold it

I really don’t think people who aren’t Autistic or who don’t struggle with sensory issues understand that when it comes to certain stimuli, those things provoke actual feelings of pain, nausea, disgust, discomfort, etc for people that are Autistic/have sensory processing disorder.

Take “picky eating.” I was labelled a “picky eater” even as a little toddler. I couldn’t eat sauce, tomatoes, or have my food touching other foods. People said stuff like “She’ll grow out of it” or “She’ll eat it if she’s actually hungry” or “Tastebuds change; she’ll like it when she’s older!“ 

But the fact was, if it was a food I couldn’t eat, I literally couldn’t eat it. I’d try to eat lasagna and start crying, and gagging, and I’d have to spit it out. Guess what? I didn’t “eat when I was hungry” if it was one of those foods, I just didn’t eat. This was especially an issue when I started going to school and daycare (I eventually got a note from my doctors that detailed my Autism diagnosis and sensory problems, so that the local kids center would provide me with alternative meals. They treated it the same way they did with kids with allergies, basically.) 

Also, I didn’t “grow out of it.” I still cannot eat tomatos, sauces, and most mixed food dishes. Because I just can’t even make my mouth chew and swallow without gagging and spitting the food out. Just a couple months ago I went to grab some chicken wraps from the local taco place, and I asked specifically that they hold the sauce. But they didn’t, so when I took a bite I got a mouthful of pain and chucked it right into my napkin (gross, I know. I’m making a point here though.)

So when Autistic people, or anyone with a sensory processing related disorder, tells you that they cannot handle something-whether that means being touched, wearing certain clothes, being around noise, or eating certain foods-remember what I just said. That’s how it feels, when people willfully ignore our reminders and warnings about our stimuli and triggers. That’s what you’re doing when you touch someone when they tell you it hurts them, or make them wear that suit or outfit, or put sauce on their food when they politely ask you not to. Granted, overload is different and presents differently in everyone, but bottom line-you’re choosing to disrespect someone’s boundaries, and their medical issues, and you are hurting them when you force certain stimuli on them after they’ve asked you to stop. Just respect people, and don’t shame people for not being able to handle or do the same stuff other people can.