#As for vanessa I said most of it in the main post- except I gave her what I like to call; The Gamer Goggles (⌐■ω■) instead of the red ones

[letsmcfreackingloseit]

Hey-ho! I'm back again with some Apex Polarity art, but this time it's some designs for the humans' snow gear!

It started out with me just trying to figure out a design for y/n in my little comic, but then I thought it would be fun to also try and visualize the other humans, so here's my take of y/n, Vanessa and Michael! I really like how they turned out, although I don't think I got Vanessa's "patchwork" look quite right, but I still like where I landed. I added a blue scarf and I was really tempted to give her those red goggles, since it would've made her resemble Vanny even more, but in the end I desided against it.

So yeah- nothing too big this time, just something fun and easy!

But to round this off, I will of course credit the wonderful author @naffeclipse who is writing Apex Polarity, which you can go read if you click right here (can 100% recommend, especially if you like stories with a bunch of fluff, mystery and drama~!) and today I give credit to myself for the designs of the humans! ;P

[lemonking00]

Dumb af FNAF security breach head canon ig.

So I like to think that Bonnie took Monty under his "wing" cuz I see Bonnie as a big brother to most of the animatronic (by most I mean all except moon and the map bots). That's why he would go to Monty golf, to help Monty settle in and would teach him how to play the Bass guitar. (All the mascot animatronics have a learning program, I swear they just ppl) so Monty and Bonnie become very close, basically being family. But after they get hacked by Vanny. Montys already bad anger issues get worse. He is constantly on edge and is honesty more scared of hurting someone then anything else. One night when Bonnie was going over to gator golf Monty snapped. Essentially going into a black out rage. By the time he could tell what was going on. He saw Bonnie's dismembered body laying there. He knew what he did. Before Bonnie went into full shut down he grabbed Monty and just gave him a sorrowful look, not one of anger or hostility, but just genuine sadness. The last thing that Bonnie ever said to Monty was "nows your chance to be a super star." Bonnie knew how much Monty wanted to be apart of the main crew. But hearing is basically big brother say this in his last breath, hurt. When everyone else found out that Monty would take over Bonnie's roles, it didn't sit well with the other band members. It took Monty a long time to settle into his new place, to have freddy be ok with him being on stage. But then the events of the game happened. I like to think that post game Gergory and Vanessa fix the bots and re write their programming. Then you have a whole thing of having to rebuild relationships but yeah.

I could go on, but this is already too long.

[probably-haven]

Hey dude?

First of all, I love your headcanons! And If ya don’t mind, would ya be interested in doing more Archon War Era Venti headcanons? I loved reading the ones you’ve written and I would love to read some more! If you want to that it, your choice.

God, I feel so awkward writing this like I’m not trying to be rude and demanding but it feels like I am and I’m not trying to but if it seems like that, just know that it’s not my intention and I’m just going to stop here beforeIembarrassmyselfokbye

thanks so much for the ask bestie! And don't worry about it, it was actually phrased really considerately, and even if it wasn't I'd still be happy because 1) human interaction and 2) archon war era venti ihjrgfvskerudhjfh But seriously you and the ask give off really good vibes, so i get the feeling ur kinda the type of person who deserves to let themselves be rude or demanding every once in awhile- don’t know why i felt the need to make that comment, but i did, so make of it what you will <3

anyway! enough good vibes, lets talk about war!!!!

but seriously, I’m always always happy to talk more about Archon War Era Venti, like- im literally making a playlist for it cuz inspiration. Like sure, I may run out of ideas eventually, but that just means i get to think of more! which is fun af too!

spoilers for Venti’s backstory

first i want to clear something up from my last post. I mentioned the four winds in one or two of my points, but upon doing more research, I've discovered that the four winds weren't a thing until Vanessa's time, which was after Venti's 1000 year sleep so i'd like to adjust the imagery

this small pitiful looking wind sprite, newly having become a god, so small that no other god would possibly even consider it a threat, most having massive forms to display their power. But as opposed to physical strength, Venti is a being of raw elemental power. 

In the first part of the war there would come whispers of great storms, hurricanes, tornados, blades of wind that scourged the land, picking up flames, turning waters, channeling lightning, carrying freezing cold, turning the elements of the gods against them. And these storms happened completely by themselves. And they grew wary. Decarabian never left Mondstadt so could he have gotten strong enough to attack from even within it’s barrier. And then came the rumors, songs carried on the wind of a revolution, and a new name begun to be feared “Barbatos.”

An unknown god, conquerer of Decarabian, known now for attacking those Divine beings who used their power to oppress others, all from within the walls of Mond, for as he had never been seen then surely his power was so great he didn’t even need to show up in person. 

It was said that when you heard his song that was your final chance- to run, to escape before the winds caught you in their current, erasing all that ever was to your memory except the song on the wind. Sure, running would separate you from the civilization that gave you your strength, but for some unknown reason, Barbatos never target the vulnerable mortals left behind, so for a time, you could keep your power. 

There were multiple records from mortals of their (weaker by comparison) gods being caught in the winds, swept up high into the sky where the one sided battle between god and nature raged on, until ultimately they would see it, the unmistakable wave of destructive force that came with the death of a god, far enough away so as to not reach the people below.  And when a god was too strong, the city would be encased in a wind barrier, shielding them from the explosion of divine misery

And when all was said and done, a boy in green would enter the city, singing songs of the battle on his Lyre. He came to be recognized as a herald to Barbatos of sorts, and the people would often times attempt to shower him with offerings, but the people had suffered and did not have much.  “I am just a bard,” he would insist as they asked for his name in reverance. “But if you have apples and wine, then gather them and the people in the center of town. Freedom is something to be celebrated after all, is it not?”

And the people would relish in their newfound freedom, the ‘nameless bard’ celebrating with them as his friend never got to, and he would play one final song before vanishing into the night, retreating to mondstadt “Fly, fly away. Like a bird in the sky. See the world on my behalf. To the heavens may you fly”

Rarely was Venti ever actually in the city of Mondstadt though. He had seen first hand the destruction that the death of a god could cause, and if he were to be ambushed, he would prefer that it happened on the outskirts, where his people would not be harmed by the destruction left in the battle’s wake. 

However, he would be upfront with the people of Mond, explain to them of the archon war, what he was doing to other tyrant gods, and the danger of ambush- and only with their agreement, when he went out to fight, to liberate, he would raise a protective wind barrier until he returned. It pained him to do so- but he had already lost his closest friend, and he knew it would pain him more to return and see his friend’s legacy destroyed. If the people of Mond didn’t agree- then... well shit, i guess he got lucky. But I think that Venti would be close enough with them for them to see the difference between these wind barriers and those of the old god of storms.

actually- im leaving that there, but let me revise that-

Venti- being one of the very first to give out visions. Not caging his people for their protection as Decarabian had done before, but instead arming them with the ability to defend themselves. He would set up the basis of the wind barriers to aid in their protective power, but only Barbatos’s chosen could raise and lower them as they please, and they were a force to be reckoned with. It’s one of the main reason’s Venti became so fond of the “riptide of mortal blood” saying because of the alternate meaning it had when applied to his own people.

But there were times when a god was too strong- could not be separated from their people- and there would be nothing he could do to spare them.  So he would remain on the battlefield, enter as the unknown bard, and make his way to the center, playing his song as he walked- and he would stay until the wind had freed every one of their chained spirits(think stanley), until he was sure that the song would not be lost, however long it took. He was one of the very few gods who actually had any remorse for the mortal lives lost, and he would mourn their lost life, the things that they could have done had he not failed them. And this was all he could do, so insignificant, but he knew it was necessary, for if he did not do this for them, no-one else would because unlike the others, he had seen the potential of mortals first hand and often couldn’t help but think- had his friend survived, perhaps the people of this society’s song could have been saved. It was during one such song where he was discovered by the yaksha Alatus.

More Archon War Era venti headcanons: one two four

[missjanjie]

Hold Me Tighter (Even Closer) | (7/?)

Title: Hold Me Tighter (Even Closer) Summary: A sequel to Hold Me Closer, Tiny Dancer. Brooke Lynn and Vanessa are back at NYU, but with new and improved positions. Brooke’s ready to start her career as a professor when, as fate would have it, she realizes her TA, Jackie, might have the hots for a student named Jan. The couple just might see it as a sign to give two new girls the love story they found in the same place. Word Count: ~2.9k (this chapter) / ~21k (total) Relationship(s): Branjie (Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo), Jankie (Jan Sport/Jackie Cox) Rating: E

read on ao3 | ko-fi

Chapter Summary: Tensions suddenly come to a head between Jan and Jackie, leading the two of them to handle the fallout in very different ways.

-

When Brooke Lynn walked into her classroom and saw Jackie already there, pacing back and forth, worry was her obvious, immediate reaction. “Penny for your thoughts?” she asked after clearing her throat to get her attention.

Jackie managed to stand still and lean against Brooke’s desk to catch her breath. “Have you seen Jan’s instagram story?”

“No,” she answered as she sat down at her desk, “because on principle I tend to avoid my students’ social media. Why?”

“Oh, so that’s where you draw the line?” she scoffed as she got her phone out and opened the app. “Here, look.”

Brooke took Jackie’s phone from her and opened Jan’s story. From what she could see, Jan had gone out the previous Saturday with some of her Heathers castmates – the girls playing the title characters, if she had to guess, considering each post was captioned with ‘#theheathers’. They were drinking and dancing, the whole thing appeared to be relatively innocuous. It was typical college girl behavior. “Okay… seems like a girls’ night out, what’s the issue?”

“Go to the next one.”

With a roll of her eyes, Brooke obliged. In the next story, the girls were dancing and grinding on each other to a techno beat. But then the camera zoomed in on Jan and Nicky sharing an innocent enough close-lipped peck, though Nicky’s hands were on Jan’s ass in a pointedly non-innocent manner. They shared another couple kisses, both of them giggling the whole time. “Is that it?” she asked as she handed the phone back to Jackie.

Jackie looked at her incredulously, mouth agape. “What do you mean ‘is that it’? Were we not watching the same clip?”

Brooke shrugged. “She went out with some friends, got drunk, and got handsy with one of them. I don’t see what the big deal is - she’s nineteen, this is how kids have fun.”

“So you would’ve been fine if it were Vanjie grinding and kissing on some pretty girl?”

“First of all,” she put a hand up to stop her, “Vanjie was already my girlfriend at this point, comparatively. Whereas Jan is a girl you’re fucking because you’re allergic to talking about how you feel about her. Second of all, we did have a run-in with jealousy, but that’s another story entirely,” Brooke answered. “But we wouldn’t have gotten past it if we didn’t know how to fucking communicate.”

Jackie looked down, feeling like a child being scolded, and sat at one of the student desks. “Will you tell me the jealousy story?” she asked, voice meek. She had always seen Brooke and Vanessa’s relationship as perfect, above reproach. Knowing that even they could have a bump in the road made her feel a bit better.

Brooke’s expression softened. “Sure. So, Vanj was doing this big dance competition, as was this other dancer from Julliard. And I mean this girl is all over her from day one, pissed me the hell off,” she recalled. She shook her head because looking back, the story felt a bit ridiculous to tell, but maybe that would help even more.

“Jump ahead to this Halloween party she throws and invites us to, and once again she’s all over my girl. But what got me was how Vanessa bought into it. I got pissed and left and she admitted she was only flirting with her because she liked the jealous, angry sex we had so much.”

“I don’t know what I expected,” Jackie admitted with the slightest hint of a laugh, “but it wasn’t that. How’d you guys get past it?”

“Vanessa made a very sweet, if not a bit corny gesture and it led to this romantic little reunion in the studio,” she concluded. “So, from there on out we made sure to talk about our feelings instead of leaving things up to chance by hoping we’ll guess what’s wrong with each other. See? Different situations entirely, but we didn’t solve it by avoiding tough conversations.”

Jackie groaned and hid her head on the desk. “I objectively know you’re right,” she conceded. “I’m gonna talk to her, I promise.”

Brooke gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. “You got this,” she said with confidence as she stood up. “Now look alive, class starts in five.”

“I got this,” Jackie repeated to herself before focusing her energy towards shifting into ‘teacher mode’. It was always something that provided a good, if not necessary, distraction. When she was being a teacher, her personal life faded into the background. Even Jan turned into another student in the class, and God knows that was a weight lifted from her.

And class did go off without a hitch, especially since she spent most of it doing paperwork while Brooke led the class. Teacher mode gave her focus, tunnel vision. In fact, she hardly said a word until after Brooke dismissed the students. Then she did speak. “Hey, Jan, can you hang back for a bit?”

Jan seemed surprised but nodded quickly. “Go ahead, I’ll catch up,” she said to Gigi before turning back to Jackie. “What’s up?” she asked, not noticing that Brooke had quietly slipped out of the room along with her classmates.

It was then that Jackie realized she hadn’t planned out what she was going to say. Why hadn’t she spent some of those ninety minutes doing something more useful than grading texts? She was mad at herself and anxiety began bubbling up inside of her. Improvising it was. “I… um… saw that you uploaded some videos from Saturday onto your story last night…”

“Oh yeah, I went out with the Heathers. It was a cute place, great cocktails,” Jan chirped as casually as she would discuss the weather. To the untrained eye, it seemed like she was truly oblivious to what could’ve bothered Jackie about what she posted.

But Jackie knew better. She knew Jan was a talented actress, that she’d had since last night (or even since Saturday) to prepare an answer and that, for lack of a better phrase, she was trying to bullshit her. “Don’t get cute, Jan. You know what I’m talking about. What’s going on with you and Nicky?”

Jan tilted her head. “I never tagged her or told you her name, how did you know it?”

Fuck. Jackie could’ve kicked herself for that. Evidently, improv wasn’t her strong suit, and on top of that, she was a terrible liar, leaving her with no choice. “I happened to be by the auditorium during one of your rehearsals. You guys seem… close.”

“Maybe we are close,” Jan conceded. “I don’t see the problem, pretty sure I can get ‘close’ to whoever I want, right?”

She stiffened, clenching her jaw. “So you are fucking her?”

Jan clicked her tongue and scoffed. “No, I’m not. But who are you to get pissy at me about it? It’s not like I need to ask your permission to hook up with other people.”

“I’m not being pissy,” Jackie insisted, unable to avoid sounding defensive. “But if you want her, let me know. I’m not gonna waste my time.”

“Oh, so now what we’ve had is a ‘waste of time’ because I might be attracted to someone else too?” Jan snapped.

She groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. “No, no that’s not what I mean. I don’t-”

“Please,” Jan put her hand up and waved her off. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too, Jackie,” she hissed, then turned on her heel, leaving before Jackie could respond.

The hall was silent except for her heels against the linoleum. As she rounded the corner and headed out of the building, she fished her phone out of her pocket and made a call. “Hey, are you busy? Good, I’m coming over, I’ll be there in ten.”

Jan couldn’t even remember the walk from the main building to the dorms. A rush of anger-fueled adrenaline propelled her forward – it was like she blinked and suddenly she was banging on Nicky’s door.

Nicky opened the door. “Hey, what’s going on? You sounded-” she was cut off by Jan kissing her hard, fisting her hand into her hair and pulling her close. She blinked in surprise when her mouth was freed. “Um… What is happening? Am I fucking you? Is that where this is going?”

“You’re so smart and perceptive, it’s so sexy,” she breathed out before reconnecting their lips, kicking the door shut behind her.

“You don’t have to sweet talk me, babygirl. I’ve been waiting for this.”

Jan let out a small sigh of relief as she backed onto Nicky’s bed, pulling the blonde down with her. She immediately resumed kissing her eagerly, sloppily. There was a tangle of limbs as their clothes were yanked off and tossed every which way, she couldn’t seem to get naked fast enough. “Don’t be gentle with me,” she breathed out, “I need it hard, need you to fuck me til I forget how to think or feel.”

Nicky paused, her lips curling into a smirk. “Hard, huh? I think I know just what to do.” She got up and rifled through her drawer until she pulled out a harness and the dildo that strapped onto it. “I’m gonna take good care of you,” she assured.

Jan’s eyes lit up and she laid back readily, propping her legs apart and arching her hips up when Nicky got herself in position. Her body trembled in anticipation as she watched Nicky slick up the silicone cock with lube. The waiting felt like torture as her desire built up faster than she could deal with and it culminated with a sharp moan when Nicky finally eased it in.

“Good girl,” she gently praised, giving her a moment to adjust – it was one of her bigger ones and she knew Jan would feel it. Once she was certain the girl under her was ready, she switched to a rough, fast thrusting pace. One hand was roughly pulling on Jan’s ponytail, the other carefully wrapping around her neck, applying just enough pressure to make her whimper and squirm. If Jan wanted it hard and rough, she was more than happy to oblige.

And Jan was even more certain this was exactly what she needed. As she moaned and writhed about, all she could focus on was how good it felt. The tinges of physical pain were arousing, and enough to distract from the emotional pain that was trying to linger. She needed Nicky to choke her, slap her, pull her hair, anything to keep her grounded solely in the moment. “Yes, fuck, please don’t stop,” she begged.

Not that Nicky was planning on it. Her hips snapped forward with each thrust, the sound of skin smacking together filling the room, only to be drowned out by Jan’s moans when she hit her orgasm. “That’s it, come for me,” she encouraged, fucking her through it until she was certain Jan was completely spent. She looked down at the brunette as she pulled out, pleased with how utterly wrecked she looked.

“Fuck…” Jan panted breathlessly, laying flat on the bed and letting her eyes shut for a moment. Even with her eyes closed, she was seeing stars. “Thanks, Nicky. You have no idea how badly I needed that.”

“You don’t wanna talk about it, do you?” Nicky teased after she cleaned up and got under the covers with her.

Jan shook her head, then hid her face in the crook of Nicky’s neck. The last thing she wanted was to think about what sparked her urge to come here in the first place. “I don’t even want to think about it. Can we just… take a nap?”

“Perfect idea,” she yawned as her eyes closed.

The two of them slept in silence for about an hour, with Jan being the first to wake up. For a moment, everything was warm and peaceful, she didn’t feel anything but comfort and bliss.

Slowly but surely, however, the negative feelings of hurt, anger, and spite slipped back in and led her to grab her phone off of Nicky’s nightstand. She had to do something to make herself feel better. “The lighting is so good right now, we should take a selfie.”

Nicky yawned and rubbed her eyes. “Fine, but only post it if we look cute,” she warned before posing so Jan could take pictures. She then watched over Jan’s shoulder as she uploaded one to her instagram story. “Wow, who are you trying to give jealousy with that one?”

“Is it that obvious?” asked Jan, blushing.

“A little bit,” Nicky giggled. “But I don’t mind, if you’re going to use anyone for that, I’m a great choice.” She laid back down and got her own phone out to share it to her story. “Do you think it’ll work?”

She shrugged. “Maybe.”

------

Brooke sighed as she looked at her phone for what had easily been the tenth time since she left the apartment. “Still no answer, but I just know she’s at home. She has to be.”

Vanessa nodded as they walked. “In the whole time we known her, she never ignores your texts, definitely not your calls. That picture got her all sorts of fucked up.”

Normally, Brooke adhered to her own set of rules to a T, but she had to break them when she sensed something was wrong with Jackie. And sure enough, when she checked Jan’s story (from Vanessa’s account), everything made sense. That was what had them rushing to her apartment, despite it rapidly approaching the middle of the night.

“She ain’t gonna get mad about you using the ‘emergency only’ key, is she?” Vanessa asked as she watched her wife rifle through her purse.

“I would consider this an emergency,” she defended as she unlocked the door and let them in. “Wait here, I’m gonna poke my head into her room and assess the situation.”

Vanessa waited patiently, arching her brow when Brooke returned. “What’s the tea?”

Brooke had a concerned, unnerved expression on her face like she was still processing what she had just walked in on. “We have a code gray.”

She furrowed her brows. “Jackie’s a violent hospital patient?”

“What? No. Also, how do you know that? Nevermind,” Brooke shook her head as she tried to stay on task. “She’s code gray as in Conan Gray, come look,” she explained before quietly leading Vanessa to the partially opened door.

Jackie was sitting on the floor against the side of her bed. She was wearing a purple letterman jacket that Brooke and Vanessa could ascertain was accidentally left there by Jan. ‘Heather’ by Conan Gray was playing, most likely having been on loop for God knows how long.

Vanessa realized how bad this was, and looked up at Brooke, waiting for instruction as to where to go from there.

Brooke decided to take the lead, carefully walking into the room with her wife following. “You okay, Jackie?” she asked gently.

“I ruined everything,” Jackie replied in a broken whisper. “I couldn’t deal with how I feel about her and I pushed her into a French actresses’ bed.” She laid down on the floor and sighed. “I can’t believe I fucked in this badly.”

Brooke and Vanessa propped Jackie back up, both wrapping an arm around her. “Hey, don’t talk like that. This is just a bump in the road, it’s not over yet,” Brooke assured.

“How can you be so sure of that?” Jackie sniffled.

“I just know.”

“That’s not as reassuring as you think it is.”

Vanessa decided to chime in. “Ain’t it obvious what you gotta do?” She received blank stares from both Jackie and Brooke. “Jan just wants to know you’re all in with her. She’s clearly just using blondie over there to make you jealous… We’ve all been there.”

“Speak for yourself,” Brooke retorted playfully.

She rolled her eyes at her wife. “What I’m sayin’ is she wanted to get under your skin and it worked. Maybe too well, but she got what she wanted. Now you just gotta tell her how you really feel, how bad you want her.”

Jackie hesitated, fiddling with the sleeves of the jacket. “Easy for you to say. I can’t just do big romantic declarations… I overthink way too much for that.”

“Well, that’s where we’re here to help,” Vanessa chirped brightly. “Under-thinking is my specialty.”

“Do you think you’re ready to try?” Brooke asked gently.

Jackie chewed on her lip and looked down. “I just… I’m scared,” she confessed.

The girls nodded in understanding – neither of them could blame Jackie for her fear and apprehension. Both of them knew what it was like to have someone you’d risk everything for while having a terrible fear of the potential fallout. They knew how fortunate they were to have so clearly had mutual feelings from the beginning, but they hadn’t been free from a rocky start. And they had faith in Jan and Jackie, while neither could explain it, they had to see it through.

“It’s okay to be scared,” Brooke assured. “So, we’re gonna get you through this.”

“Will you guys spend the night?” Jackie asked after a few beats of silence, long enough for her to be sure she wouldn’t start crying. “It’s getting kind of depressing, and drinking alone would be the thing to push it over the edge.”

“You had us at drinking,” Vanessa joked, pleased to see it got a smile out of Jackie. “Don’t worry, we ain’t going nowhere.”

[artificialqueens]

Hold Me Tighter (Even Closer) Chapter 7 (Branjie, Jankie) - Joley

Chapter Summary: Tensions suddenly come to a head between Jan and Jackie, leading the two of them to handle the fallout in very different ways.

ao3 link

When Brooke Lynn walked into her classroom and saw Jackie already there, pacing back and forth, worry was her obvious, immediate reaction. “Penny for your thoughts?” she asked after clearing her throat to get her attention.

Jackie managed to stand still and lean against Brooke’s desk to catch her breath. “Have you seen Jan’s instagram story?”

“No,” she answered as she sat down at her desk, “because on principle I tend to avoid my students’ social media. Why?”

“Oh, so that’s where you draw the line?” she scoffed as she got her phone out and opened the app. “Here, look.”

Brooke took Jackie’s phone from her and opened Jan’s story. From what she could see, Jan had gone out the previous Saturday with some of her Heathers castmates – the girls playing the title characters, if she had to guess, considering each post was captioned with ‘#theheathers’. They were drinking and dancing, the whole thing appeared to be relatively innocuous. It was typical college girl behavior. “Okay… seems like a girls’ night out, what’s the issue?”

“Go to the next one.”

With a roll of her eyes, Brooke obliged. In the next story, the girls were dancing and grinding on each other to a techno beat. But then the camera zoomed in on Jan and Nicky sharing an innocent enough close-lipped peck, though Nicky’s hands were on Jan’s ass in a pointedly non-innocent manner. They shared another couple kisses, both of them giggling the whole time. “Is that it?” she asked as she handed the phone back to Jackie.

Jackie looked at her incredulously, mouth agape. “What do you mean ‘is that it’? Were we not watching the same clip?”

Brooke shrugged. “She went out with some friends, got drunk, and got handsy with one of them. I don’t see what the big deal is - she’s nineteen, this is how kids have fun.”

“So you would’ve been fine if it were Vanjie grinding and kissing on some pretty girl?”

“First of all,” she put a hand up to stop her, “Vanjie was already my girlfriend at this point, comparatively. Whereas Jan is a girl you’re fucking because you’re allergic to talking about how you feel about her. Second of all, we did have a run-in with jealousy, but that’s another story entirely,” Brooke answered. “But we wouldn’t have gotten past it if we didn’t know how to fucking communicate.”

Jackie looked down, feeling like a child being scolded, and sat at one of the student desks. “Will you tell me the jealousy story?” she asked, voice meek. She had always seen Brooke and Vanessa’s relationship as perfect, above reproach. Knowing that even they could have a bump in the road made her feel a bit better.

Brooke’s expression softened. “Sure. So, Vanj was doing this big dance competition, as was this other dancer from Julliard. And I mean this girl is all over her from day one, pissed me the hell off,” she recalled. She shook her head because looking back, the story felt a bit ridiculous to tell, but maybe that would help even more.

“Jump ahead to this Halloween party she throws and invites us to, and once again she’s all over my girl. But what got me was how Vanessa bought into it. I got pissed and left and she admitted she was only flirting with her because she liked the jealous, angry sex we had so much.”

“I don’t know what I expected,” Jackie admitted with the slightest hint of a laugh, “but it wasn’t that. How’d you guys get past it?”

“Vanessa made a very sweet, if not a bit corny gesture and it led to this romantic little reunion in the studio,” she concluded. “So, from there on out we made sure to talk about our feelings instead of leaving things up to chance by hoping we’ll guess what’s wrong with each other. See? Different situations entirely, but we didn’t solve it by avoiding tough conversations.”

Jackie groaned and hid her head on the desk. “I objectively know you’re right,” she conceded. “I’m gonna talk to her, I promise.”

Brooke gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. “You got this,” she said with confidence as she stood up. “Now look alive, class starts in five.”

“I got this,” Jackie repeated to herself before focusing her energy towards shifting into ‘teacher mode’. It was always something that provided a good, if not necessary, distraction. When she was being a teacher, her personal life faded into the background. Even Jan turned into another student in the class, and God knows that was a weight lifted from her.

And class did go off without a hitch, especially since she spent most of it doing paperwork while Brooke led the class. Teacher mode gave her focus, tunnel vision. In fact, she hardly said a word until after Brooke dismissed the students. Then she did speak. “Hey, Jan, can you hang back for a bit?”

Jan seemed surprised but nodded quickly. “Go ahead, I’ll catch up,” she said to Gigi before turning back to Jackie. “What’s up?” she asked, not noticing that Brooke had quietly slipped out of the room along with her classmates.

It was then that Jackie realized she hadn’t planned out what she was going to say. Why hadn’t she spent some of those ninety minutes doing something more useful than grading texts? She was mad at herself and anxiety began bubbling up inside of her. Improvising it was. “I… um… saw that you uploaded some videos from Saturday onto your story last night…”

“Oh yeah, I went out with the Heathers. It was a cute place, great cocktails,” Jan chirped as casually as she would discuss the weather. To the untrained eye, it seemed like she was truly oblivious to what could’ve bothered Jackie about what she posted.

But Jackie knew better. She knew Jan was a talented actress, that she’d had since last night (or even since Saturday) to prepare an answer and that, for lack of a better phrase, she was trying to bullshit her. “Don’t get cute, Jan. You know what I’m talking about. What’s going on with you and Nicky?”

Jan tilted her head. “I never tagged her or told you her name, how did you know it?”

Fuck. Jackie could’ve kicked herself for that. Evidently, improv wasn’t her strong suit, and on top of that, she was a terrible liar, leaving her with no choice. “I happened to be by the auditorium during one of your rehearsals. You guys seem… close.”

“Maybe we are close,” Jan conceded. “I don’t see the problem, pretty sure I can get ‘close’ to whoever I want, right?”

She stiffened, clenching her jaw. “So you are fucking her?”

Jan clicked her tongue and scoffed. “No, I’m not. But who are you to get pissy at me about it? It’s not like I need to ask your permission to hook up with other people.”

“I’m not being pissy,” Jackie insisted, unable to avoid sounding defensive. “But if you want her, let me know. I’m not gonna waste my time.”

“Oh, so now what we’ve had is a ‘waste of time’ because I might be attracted to someone else too?” Jan snapped.

She groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. “No, no that’s not what I mean. I don’t-”

“Please,” Jan put her hand up and waved her off. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too, Jackie,” she hissed, then turned on her heel, leaving before Jackie could respond.

The hall was silent except for her heels against the linoleum. As she rounded the corner and headed out of the building, she fished her phone out of her pocket and made a call. “Hey, are you busy? Good, I’m coming over, I’ll be there in ten.”

Jan couldn’t even remember the walk from the main building to the dorms. A rush of anger-fueled adrenaline propelled her forward – it was like she blinked and suddenly she was banging on Nicky’s door.

Nicky opened the door. “Hey, what’s going on? You sounded-” she was cut off by Jan kissing her hard, fisting her hand into her hair and pulling her close. She blinked in surprise when her mouth was freed. “Um… What is happening? Am I fucking you? Is that where this is going?”

“You’re so smart and perceptive, it’s so sexy,” she breathed out before reconnecting their lips, kicking the door shut behind her.

“You don’t have to sweet talk me, babygirl. I’ve been waiting for this.”

Jan let out a small sigh of relief as she backed onto Nicky’s bed, pulling the blonde down with her. She immediately resumed kissing her eagerly, sloppily. There was a tangle of limbs as their clothes were yanked off and tossed every which way, she couldn’t seem to get naked fast enough. “Don’t be gentle with me,” she breathed out, “I need it hard, need you to fuck me til I forget how to think or feel.”

Nicky paused, her lips curling into a smirk. “Hard, huh? I think I know just what to do.” She got up and rifled through her drawer until she pulled out a harness and the dildo that strapped onto it. “I’m gonna take good care of you,” she assured.

Jan’s eyes lit up and she laid back readily, propping her legs apart and arching her hips up when Nicky got herself in position. Her body trembled in anticipation as she watched Nicky slick up the silicone cock with lube. The waiting felt like torture as her desire built up faster than she could deal with and it culminated with a sharp moan when Nicky finally eased it in.

“Good girl,” she gently praised, giving her a moment to adjust – it was one of her bigger ones and she knew Jan would feel it. Once she was certain the girl under her was ready, she switched to a rough, fast thrusting pace. One hand was roughly pulling on Jan’s ponytail, the other carefully wrapping around her neck, applying just enough pressure to make her whimper and squirm. If Jan wanted it hard and rough, she was more than happy to oblige.

And Jan was even more certain this was exactly what she needed. As she moaned and writhed about, all she could focus on was how good it felt. The tinges of physical pain were arousing, and enough to distract from the emotional pain that was trying to linger. She needed Nicky to choke her, slap her, pull her hair, anything to keep her grounded solely in the moment. “Yes, fuck, please don’t stop,” she begged.

Not that Nicky was planning on it. Her hips snapped forward with each thrust, the sound of skin smacking together filling the room, only to be drowned out by Jan’s moans when she hit her orgasm. “That’s it, come for me,” she encouraged, fucking her through it until she was certain Jan was completely spent. She looked down at the brunette as she pulled out, pleased with how utterly wrecked she looked.

“Fuck…” Jan panted breathlessly, laying flat on the bed and letting her eyes shut for a moment. Even with her eyes closed, she was seeing stars. “Thanks, Nicky. You have no idea how badly I needed that.”

“You don’t wanna talk about it, do you?” Nicky teased after she cleaned up and got under the covers with her.

Jan shook her head, then hid her face in the crook of Nicky’s neck. The last thing she wanted was to think about what sparked her urge to come here in the first place. “I don’t even want to think about it. Can we just… take a nap?”

“Perfect idea,” she yawned as her eyes closed.

The two of them slept in silence for about an hour, with Jan being the first to wake up. For a moment, everything was warm and peaceful, she didn’t feel anything but comfort and bliss.

Slowly but surely, however, the negative feelings of hurt, anger, and spite slipped back in and led her to grab her phone off of Nicky’s nightstand. She had to do something to make herself feel better. “The lighting is so good right now, we should take a selfie.”

Nicky yawned and rubbed her eyes. “Fine, but only post it if we look cute,” she warned before posing so Jan could take pictures. She then watched over Jan’s shoulder as she uploaded one to her instagram story. “Wow, who are you trying to give jealousy with that one?”

“Is it that obvious?” asked Jan, blushing.

“A little bit,” Nicky giggled. “But I don’t mind, if you’re going to use anyone for that, I’m a great choice.” She laid back down and got her own phone out to share it to her story. “Do you think it’ll work?”

She shrugged. “Maybe.”

——

Brooke sighed as she looked at her phone for what had easily been the tenth time since she left the apartment. “Still no answer, but I just know she’s at home. She has to be.”

Vanessa nodded as they walked. “In the whole time we known her, she never ignores your texts, definitely not your calls. That picture got her all sorts of fucked up.”

Normally, Brooke adhered to her own set of rules to a T, but she had to break them when she sensed something was wrong with Jackie. And sure enough, when she checked Jan’s story (from Vanessa’s account), everything made sense. That was what had them rushing to her apartment, despite it rapidly approaching the middle of the night.

“She ain’t gonna get mad about you using the ‘emergency only’ key, is she?” Vanessa asked as she watched her wife rifle through her purse.

“I would consider this an emergency,” she defended as she unlocked the door and let them in. “Wait here, I’m gonna poke my head into her room and assess the situation.”

Vanessa waited patiently, arching her brow when Brooke returned. “What’s the tea?”

Brooke had a concerned, unnerved expression on her face like she was still processing what she had just walked in on. “We have a code gray.”

She furrowed her brows. “Jackie’s a violent hospital patient?”

“What? No. Also, how do you know that? Nevermind,” Brooke shook her head as she tried to stay on task. “She’s code gray as in Conan Gray, come look,” she explained before quietly leading Vanessa to the partially opened door.

Jackie was sitting on the floor against the side of her bed. She was wearing a purple letterman jacket that Brooke and Vanessa could ascertain was accidentally left there by Jan. ‘Heather’ by Conan Gray was playing, most likely having been on loop for God knows how long.

Vanessa realized how bad this was, and looked up at Brooke, waiting for instruction as to where to go from there.

Brooke decided to take the lead, carefully walking into the room with her wife following. “You okay, Jackie?” she asked gently.

“I ruined everything,” Jackie replied in a broken whisper. “I couldn’t deal with how I feel about her and I pushed her into a French actresses’ bed.” She laid down on the floor and sighed. “I can’t believe I fucked in this badly.”

Brooke and Vanessa propped Jackie back up, both wrapping an arm around her. “Hey, don’t talk like that. This is just a bump in the road, it’s not over yet,” Brooke assured.

“How can you be so sure of that?” Jackie sniffled.

“I just know.”

“That’s not as reassuring as you think it is.”

Vanessa decided to chime in. “Ain’t it obvious what you gotta do?” She received blank stares from both Jackie and Brooke. “Jan just wants to know you’re all in with her. She’s clearly just using blondie over there to make you jealous… We’ve all been there.”

“Speak for yourself,” Brooke retorted playfully.

She rolled her eyes at her wife. “What I’m sayin’ is she wanted to get under your skin and it worked. Maybe too well, but she got what she wanted. Now you just gotta tell her how you really feel, how bad you want her.”

Jackie hesitated, fiddling with the sleeves of the jacket. “Easy for you to say. I can’t just do big romantic declarations… I overthink way too much for that.”

“Well, that’s where we’re here to help,” Vanessa chirped brightly. “Under-thinking is my specialty.”

“Do you think you’re ready to try?” Brooke asked gently.

Jackie chewed on her lip and looked down. “I just… I’m scared,” she confessed.

The girls nodded in understanding – neither of them could blame Jackie for her fear and apprehension. Both of them knew what it was like to have someone you’d risk everything for while having a terrible fear of the potential fallout. They knew how fortunate they were to have so clearly had mutual feelings from the beginning, but they hadn’t been free from a rocky start. And they had faith in Jan and Jackie, while neither could explain it, they had to see it through.

“It’s okay to be scared,” Brooke assured. “So, we’re gonna get you through this.”

“Will you guys spend the night?” Jackie asked after a few beats of silence, long enough for her to be sure she wouldn’t start crying. “It’s getting kind of depressing, and drinking alone would be the thing to push it over the edge.”

“You had us at drinking,” Vanessa joked, pleased to see it got a smile out of Jackie. “Don’t worry, we ain’t going nowhere.”

[cloveroctobers]

HENRIK LILJENQUIST—

IG info/Bio: @/adventuresbyhenrik | 53.1k followers — “imma wild boi🌿🌏🧗 | happily taken👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

23 (24) years old

Parents are both Swedish and only speak Swedish, leaving henrik to also become fluent

His father Halvi is a pilot

His mother Lova is a race car driver

Siblings? Probably a brother, named Jahan & younger by two or three years + they get along quite well

Born & raised in Isle of Wight, England + loves it there & thinks it’s the best place for him to live, it’s his own private island in his mind plus he’s always finding something to do. He stays active

Climbing & wilderness survival instructor, he gets to talk as much as he wants while also teaching people AND all while being active! Sounds like the perfect job for him

Probably developed ADHD around his pre-teen age, leaving his parents to find him something he enjoys + can slow down and focus on

used to be on meds for it

Was well-known in high school, probably in the yearbook club since he was able to run around & get to know people but was kinda shit at knowing the functions of a camera

His selfie game has gotten a lot better now but he mostly posts anything but his face. You’ll see more of his face on his stories & location shots on his feed

Feels his hair is his best physical feature & his prized possession, would never THINK about cutting it. Even just a trim is a bit much for him

Always tries to be positive but at the same time can be condescending since he sometimes won’t pick his words wisely ex.) when he gave MC a backhanded “compliment” about makeup, being active, + wanting them to “think of others ” feelings — just because someone is opposite from you doesn’t mean you have to shit on the way they carry themselves...that’s my issue with him

maybe he’s a Taurus?

Loves fall & spring, more so fall since that’s when the weather feels nicest to him plus allergy season is a REAL bitch

The guy’s real Adventurous & always managing to find something to do. If you’re ever bored just hit him up, he has plenty of recommendations 

Family owns a cottage & he’s the one who goes out there more than his own family does! “You should just sell it to me at this point!” He tells his parents over dinner often & it is strongly considered

Has five birds & a husky, when he goes on road trips they’re always with him. Which can get a little hectic at times but they’re his family, he’s a, “birdog dad”

BLAKE secretly dislikes them all, feeling like they take up space sometimes (especially when she wants to cuddle) but she deals with it since she cares for the guy — yes, they’re still dating

She’s been convincing him to cut a few inches off of his hair which he took like a slap in the face, “that’s like me asking you to quit speaking up for humans!” “No, no it’s not.”

They’re polar opposites with flaws which causes disagreements between the two of them by putting each other in their places but they learn to compromise? (*insert eartha Kitt gif laughing here*] if they want this to work

His mother seems to be the only one who dislikes blake (she strongly feels he should have bought MC back home...that’s right she watched the show from time to time. Not always since she doesn’t care for reality tv but her friends encouraged her to watch bits and pieces) while his dad and brother approve

It is tense when Blake and his mom are in the same room which makes Henrik sad since he believes Blake deserves a chance. He took a chance on her and it seems to be going pretty well so why couldn’t his mother just be happy for him like the rest of the family is?

Henrik loves his low-maintenance girls who are open to trying new things with him, Blake is usually down most of the time but she likes her personal space too..which henrik struggles to understand

He wants her to live with him, he’s sure his parents will let him have the cottage if Blake decides to live with him but Blake loves her freedom in Kingston

It’s hidden but I feel like he might be one of those guys that feels like “a woman should follow a man” since that’s what his father installed into his boys— which failed because his wife isn’t just a housewife, she has goals and went after them

I feel like Blake turns to social media almost always to post about her feelings (I can’t remember what I picked the first time around as my occupation but as I’m currently playing I picked human rights campaigner so) but it’s mostly subtle shade & it always goes recognized by fans which brings drama between her, mc x Bobby

Henrik jumps in because what kind of guy would he be if he didn’t have his gf’s back? Doesn’t care for the drama but he & Bobby usually said slick shit to each other in the villa, it’s safe to say they’re not really friends but they’re not enemies either that’s mostly between their gf/wife

Henrik doesn’t care enough about Bobby to dislike him but he won’t put up with his shit any longer and what easier way to do that than online? He feels like they can settle this with a phone call but Blake & MC aren’t with the shits and don’t want their men speaking to each other

Henrik & Bobby eventually have a chat in secret anyways

Henrik warns Blake that this can effect her job status if she doesn’t calm down since she uses social media for her cause

She usually knows when to stop but can’t help it if it slips out sometimes

They talk it out and move on usually with whatever fun idea henrik may have

Owns a ford bronco from the 90’s that used to be his uncle’s who builds tree houses for a living and is still running, a jeep gladitor, or some sort of pickup truck

Knows how to make the best apricot jam

All about saving the bees

Loves animals, probably on his journey to veganism if he’s not already there

We all know this fucking guy likes eating M0sS

“Embarrassing fact” but uh big fan of twilight, feels like Seth Clearwater and him are meant to be best buds but he also stans the Volturi 😷

Him and Lucas of course remained the best of mates, since they live 2 hrs away from each other and are always busy living their lives they always have to plan out when they can hangout but that fails 60% of the time when henrik pops up at Lucas’ job or at his flat not giving him a choice but to hang out

They’re always vacationing together too? Sure Henrik is his own version of low-key while Lucas likes a bit of luxury...they still find a balance to just have a good time regardless if they live different lifestyles...they’re basically married

Always texting if they’re not hanging out, henrik with his memes that Lucas doesn’t understand & Lucas just checking in on henrik’s well being which leads the conversation to many topics

He’s actually cool with Gary now? They like/comment on each other’s posts & even text here and there

Even ran into Rocco once on a road trip, that was interesting but when life gives you lemons...we’ll just say that

Even him and Ibrahim share recommendations through text or DM’s which is nice! Henrik is always down for friends even tho they’re not like his personal friends (except for Lucas, he fits into his criteria)

Most of his work is physical and talking but he goes the extra mile by hiking every Sunday either with his friends, Blake, or family — he’s genuinely likes being one with nature

If he’s at the cottage, he’s always outside, chopping extra wood, making sure the yard looks like it belongs on a magazine, or takes the boat out on lake to nap since he doesn’t like to fish as much anymore

Currently trying to grow strawberries but some animal keeps eating them :/

Adores adventure time, the x-files, bobs burgers + animal planet, and travel channels—like he’s a real dad

If he could shower outside everyday, he would, it’s such a freeing experience to him

His outings consist of being in the woods 24/7 so in his mind when he brings Blake out there with him, it’s a version of a date, whenever they spend time together is a date to him, which she has to remind him that she wants to do something different like getting dressed up every now and then + go out to dinner which he HATES but he’ll do his best to please her, as long as the restaurant is more earthy than snobby he’s okay

100% would survive the apocalypse, he knows how to make due with what he’s got, he’s always been that way

Enjoys rom-com’s so he’ll laugh at how cringe they are but still enjoy it, indie films, ALITA was the best film of 2019 to him & currently his fav film is, “the call of the wild” with Harrison Ford

His favorite films ever are Indiana Jones, Lara Coft: Tomb raider, Terminator, and I am legend

Aliens ARE real, they’re out there and he’ll be part of the reason they’ve been exposed

I feel like he wanted to be an astronaut growing up but then realized he’d be a confined space for long periods of time and said cancel that shit lol + he isn’t the greatest at science. History? He did real well in that subject

I think he loves Lorde, listens to Bon Iver—especially on early morning commutes to work, Rex Orange County, Omar Apollo, Joji, the nbhd, the driver era, kid cudi...yktfv

Celeb crushes?/types: The main girls from Charlie’s angels 2019, Alexa PenaVega... “you know Carmen from spy kids?” Diana silvers, Dove Cameron, JAMIE CHUNG, & VANESSA HUDGENS

Anthem = Wallows, “OK”

[yeetusweenus]

Big Brother Tumblr Tag Game

Rules:

If you are tagged copy and paste the rules and all questions

Answer the questions

Tag 3-5 people to also complete the questions

Tagged by @birthdaykeesha , thanks Justine 💞

About You (feel free to not answer all of these if you aren’t comfortable doing so)

1. Name or nickname? Uly

2. Age/Age Group? 21

3. Zodiac Sign? Virgo

4. Favorite Color? Green

5. Favorite Animal? Sugar Gliders

6. First Season of BB you remember watching? BB15 (sadly)

7. Would you ever want to go on BB, if so, what type of player would you be? YES, omg I daydream every now and then though the reality would probably be much more different. In all honesty, I’d probably be a floater who tries to be in everyone’s good side and hope my social game is good. I’ll probably be evicted mid-jury if i’m lucky

8. Are there other CBS shows you’d want to go on, and if so, why? Survivor omg, another source of daydreams for me. I might end up getting medevaced if i do though

9. What other Reality shows do you watch? Just Survivor, BB, and RPDR honestly, though I used to watch some others like Masterchef, etc.

10. All time favorite houseguest? This is difficult so i’ll just say Da’vonne since she’s who I currently love rn

About the Show

1. What is your all time Favorite twist? I love the Ika shredding letters one and also the Loveita/Kelsey room from BBCAN (even though Kelsey came back instead of Godveita)

2. What is a twist that you like, but kind of flopped? The saboteur twist i thought was really interesting but it just didn’t pan out since miss Annie was evicted first

3. If you were the new Grodner and had to remake the show, what would you keep the same? Nothing LOL except like the general skeleton of the game probs (like HOH and vetos would still exist) 

4. What would you change? Casting is probably the main one, less archetypes, more BIPOC, more LGBTs, etc. Make the show last less days also.

5. What’s your all time favorite comp? Don’t clock me but I love the knockout quiz comps like i love the whole procedure and when it pans out correctly, it leads to so much drama (see BB12)

6. What’s your all time favorite competition? In terms of a specific competition, I like the majority rules comp that Jen won 

7. All time favorite punishment? Paulie’s baking punishment will never not make me LOL. Michelle’s unitard is also a classic and watching her flip out with it on was funny as well

8. If you could bring any houseguest back to be in the house (not to play the game) who would it be and why? I’m going to go with Britney or Da’vonne, they’re both really fun personalities

9. If you could bring any houseguest back to play, who would it be? Candace and Helen from BB15, as well as Dom and Kemi. All deserve a second chance in my opinion

10. What is your most memorable episode? For me, it would be the episode of Miichelle winning HOH in 10

11. If you could have any reality star from any other show on BB who would it be? I would love someone from Survivor, maybe Michaela or Abi Maria? LOL

12. What’s your favorite BB series outside of normal BBUS (normal BBUS does not include CBBUS or BBOTT) BBCAN2 for sure

13. Favorite Julie Chen sign off? I don’t remember ASNDKFNKLAF I’m seriously blanking

14. Is there anything from old BB that you would bring back, why or why not, and if yes, what would it be? Maybe the lack of twists and more genuine casting.

15. If you were in the BB house and you won HoH what album would be in your HoH basket and who would you want to receive a letter from? I would probably have Emotion by CRJ or folklore by TS. My letter would be from my sister probably <3

16. Favorite Alliance? Libra, Keesha, and April.💕Also Candace, Helen, and Elissa

17. Funniest BB moment? Paul losing twice :)

18. Favorite first boot? Annie from BB12 was iconique 

19. Least favorite houseguest? Pail. Cody is getting really close as well.

20. Favorite BB couple? Uhh, pass? Maybe Ika and Dem idk

This or That

1. Old School BB or New School BB? Old for sure

2. Julia or Liz Nolan? Neither tbh ASDBKFKJASB

3. Vaness Rousso or Jun Song? I didn’t watch Jun’s season so I have to pick Vanessa 👁️👄👁️

4. Cody Calafiore or Cody Nickson? Again, neither AKSJJAJSJSJ idk if this is cheating

5. Swaggy or Bayleigh? Bay 💯

6. Janelle or Kaysar? Kaysar!!

7. Orwell or the rubber duck? Who?AKKSJAJSJ Im dumb I don't get the ref

8. Hacker twist or Pandora’s Box? Pandora's box

9. Nicole A or Nicole F? Don't make me choose y'all I-

10. Dan or Will? Dan

11. Bathroom with Bathroom sand (BB18) or The Fidget Spinner Wall (BB20)? Bathroom sand was iconic lol

12. The Hive or The Spy Grils? Spy girls

13. PB&J or Slop? PB and J, slip looks rancid

14. Nerdy Guy archetype or Quirky Girl archetype? Quirky girl gave us Bridgette so-

15. The cursed liztin gif or the Maven (BB19) cum rag? AKJDJAJSJEJ DELETE THIS NEPHEW (I choose Maven tho 👀)

Tag Questions

1. First Season you blogged? I lurk all the time but this would be the first season I blog !!

2. Favorite season to blog? Can't answer this one since it's my first ajhejahs

3. Favorite Bloggers? I have to many AJDHJAHSH but bathroom-sand, maxdoesbb, pretty much anyone I follow tbh they're all Hilarious

4. Favorite tag cryptid (i.e. djmrod, the confession accounts, the bayler stan account, stella) that one Kaycee stan I forgot his name

5. Build an ideal alliance with people from the tag. I'd build an alliance with all the thirsty ones so we can bond over our thirst-

6. Favorite content creator (gifs, videos, posts). @ keesha 💕 she has good gifs

7. Person in the tag that you like but are too nervous to talk to? Don't make me expose myself AKJDJAJSJEJ

8. Have you played in any tag games (like bbdiscords, orgs, etc.,) if so what was your favorite experience? Nooo but I want to though I'm too shy

9. Favorite gate? Selfiegate and truth gate for sure

10. What opinions do you have that you feel would be unpopular in the tag? I dont care that Christmas broke her ankle AKSJJAJSJ There I said it

11. Have you thirst followed anyone after a selfiesgate? 👀 I plead the fifth

12. Whose someone in the tag that has stopped blogging bb that you miss? I haven't seen twerking-down-the-highway liveblog this season :(

13. Favorite holiday people have called Christmas? My Birthday made me cackle 🤣

14. If you could steal any url whose would it be? The Keesha or jaysar one 😭

15. Favorite tag meme? (i.e. Paul;s mistake, victim noises, claling chr*stmas anything but her name, etc.,) Calling Christmas felon or criminal KAJSJAJSJSJ it's what she deserves

Tag 3-5 people (or more or less)

I tag

@64560 @neeleyjakkson @glisteningwind @dc-gay but if anyone else wants to participate feel free 💕

[revisitingstoneybrook]

#68 Jessi and the Bad Babysitter: Chapter 9

Phew, sorry for the long delay! Real life happened and I’ve been super busy. But I’m back now!

So last we left off, Jessi caught Margo shoplifting when they went to the party store to buy props for their BSC Project du Jour. But since this is the BSC, Jessi doesn’t tell the Pikes or even Mallory what she did. *eyeroll*

Also, something is rotten in the state of the BSC and it isn’t the 2-year-old box of Ring Dings in Claudia’s closet...

Next BSC meeting on Monday. Mallory doesn't say anything about Margo, so Jessi concludes that, sure enough, Margo didn't tell her parents. She frets about what to do and still doesn't say anything to Mallory! Oh my god, TELL HER!

Mallory's at the meeting, by the way, but still looks like she's going to nod off at any moment. Hey, as long as she's there. Or else there would be bad things on the horizon for her for missing another meeting. *cue lightning and thunder clap*

Jessi's mind is taken off of shoplifting and Margo briefly when the clock changes to 5:31 and Wendy isn't there! Uh oh! *cue more lightning and thunder clap* Jessi says it's the third time she's been late. Um...they were exactly on time the first BSC meeting she attended and they got to the Barretts a little late, I'll give them that. But the only meeting she had ever been to, they were on time! Geez! Kristy gets all huffy and demands to know where she is. Jessi says she can't be sick because she was in school today and Kristy snips that she should have called. It's a fucking minute, calm the hell down!

And what do you know, tons of the neglectful parents of Stoneybrook start calling in to get someone else to do the child-rearing while they're off doing who knows what and it's all jobs that Wendy could have taken. Steam is now pouring out of Kristy's ears at this point. Jessi, trying to defend her friend, suggests that maybe Wendy had a sitting job run late. But a scan of the record book shows that she had none scheduled. Kristy, shaking like a geyser about to explode, says she'll call Shannon to see what she can take on. Um, why don't they just have Shannon come to meetings if they're calling her so much? And for that matter, Logan too. Are they that busy? I mean, Shannon at least is home whenever they call her! That’s the logical solution but as we all know, the BSC lacks logic.

Before Kristy can call Shannon, Mallory says she wants to call her mom to come pick her up. She also tells the club that her mom finally remembered that she isn't the live-in nanny and made a doctor's appointment for her the following evening. The club (well, most of them, because Kristy is still simmering with rage) is relieved and Claudia says she was starting to get really worried. Mallory says she's worried for herself and then realizes...hey wait. The rest of the Pike Army needs someone to watch them! Jessi's the only one free but since there's so much of the Duggars Pikes, they need another sitter. Hey, what about that "Vanessa's really responsible" thing from the last chapter? No? Already forgotten? Ok.

The only other one free is Wendy and Kristy reminds everyone that, uh...she isn't at the meeting. So she's useless. Mallory calls her mom and goes to wait downstairs. Claudia and Jessi hope there isn't some serious, terrible disease afflicting Mallory, and they get an *eyeroll* from Kristy. And I'm posting the next exchange in its entirety because I don't know whether to laugh or get the urge to punch Kristy. Or both.

“She's probably got some kind of flu or something. And I hope we don't all catch it. If we have to close up for a couple of weeks we might just have to close up for good.” What a horrible thought! “Why?” I asked. “Because everyone will find other sitters,” said Kristy. “And once that happens they'll stick with their new sitters. We haven't heard from the Hills once since we couldn't take that job last week.”

Ok, what the fuck?! The BSC shutting down for a couple of weeks?! What about all those times the club went on a group vacation, Kristy? Did Shannon and Logan take every single job while you guys were away? Geez, being an associate requires a lot of time! And Kristy's whole rant doesn't make sense. I guess the Hills are still dead to the BSC because Mr. Hill did the unthinkable and said he would have to call other sitters.

Stacey, saying what we're all thinking, tells Kristy to stop freaking out about the Hills not calling, they probably just didn't need a sitter since last week. But...but...but this is Stoneybrook! Parents are ALWAYS going out and ALWAYS need someone else to raise their children! Kristy shoots down her argument:

“Maybe, but I don't like it,” Kristy grumbled. “It makes me nervous. The Hills may not be our biggest customers,” but Norman sure is our biggest charge, hoo-boy is he a fatass! “but I don't like to lose even a single client.”

I love how Kristy is freaking out because a family hasn't called for ONE WEEK. No calls for one week = they hate us and are moving on with another sitter. Paranoid and delusional, party of one!

Stacey reiterates that they haven't lost them, they probably just haven't needed a sitter since and Kristy says, “We don't know.” Good lord. Calm the fuck DOWN! Another job comes in, it's another Wendy could have taken and Kristy orders Jessi to call her. Jessi does and no one's home. Oh, if Wendy shows up and it was a family emergency, would Kristy still yell at her? Yeah, she probably would.

The meeting goes on, Logan and Shannon are called many times, it sounds like some jobs have to be turned down, so I guess more families have made it onto the “DEAD TO THE BSC” list. At 5:55, Wendy strolls in. Uh oh...she's in for a bad punishment now! *cues lightning and clap of thunder again* What will it be...50 lashes? An hour in the stocks? Babysitting for the Rodowskys without a crash helmet?

Kristy blows up at her and demands to know where she's been. Wendy, bewildered, says she had a babysitting job run late. She asks if any jobs came in for her and Kristy says, “Plenty. But you weren't here.” Oh, it's on, bitch! 

Jessi says Wendy “didn't react the way I would have. I'd have been mortified and apologetic. Wendy grew angry in return.” Yeah, because she hasn't had the BSC Kool-Aid yet! Of course she's going to react with anger, instead of bending down and begging for an apology from Kristy.

Wendy asks what's the big deal, why does she have to be here if Mary Anne can tell from the record book when she is and isn't available. Kristy, whose face is turning pink again, growls, “Because you have to be.” God, Kristy is such a bitch in this book.

Jessi reminds Wendy that she HAS to be at every single BSC meeting on penalty of death unless it's an emergency. Wendy says it was, she had a babysitting job, she couldn't leave the kids alone. Well, then you bring the kids WITH you! Gosh!

Mary Anne tells her to call next time and wants to know why Wendy took a job without telling them. Wendy's confused and Kristy explodes, “That's the second club rule you've broken! First you were late without calling, then you took a job that wasn't offered to the rest of the club.” Wendy, completely dumbfounded and now irritated, says she had no idea and is shocked that she has to hand her regular jobs over to the BSC.

And why is Kristy yelling at her for breaking the rules? NO ONE EVER TOLD HER WHAT THE BSC RULES WERE!!!!! Remember? You gave her a dumb entry “quiz” and didn't explain ANYTHING about how the club operates, except for showing her how jobs are assigned! I understand the concern over her being late but how the hell was she supposed to know that she's expected to hand over her own personal sitting jobs?

Stacey explains, “We all share jobs. Even if a client asks for a certain sitter, we offer it to everyone in the club. That's the only way to be fair.” And avoid any potential bitch fights if a client asks for someone specific and the club flips out at said sitter. See: book #15 (shameless plug - I’ve done that one on here! Check the tags!)

So Wendy is supposed to tell all her clients, who the BSC doesn't know, “Sorry, I can't be your main sitter anymore. You must call this number, 3 times a week, ONLY at this time, and reach other sitters too. Sorry, but that's the only fair way! Hail Kristy!” That is so stupid.

Wendy apologizes and says she'll call next time she's late. She also accepts the Pike job with Jessi, who begs Wendy to please please PLEASE be there on time. After the meeting, Wendy bolts out of there and Jessi catches up. Wendy asks Jessi what we've been wondering for ages, “Who does Kristy think she is?”

Jessi, ever the brainwashed BSC member, responds Kristy Thomas is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life “She's the president of the club. If she wasn't strict, things wouldn't run nearly as efficiently as they do. Our customers wouldn't be as happy and neither would we. It's better that Kristy makes everyone obey the rules.” Yeah, but there's a difference between strict and crazy dictator. Mallory shouldn't feel guilty about being sick and Wendy shouldn't be yelled at for breaking rules she had no idea existed.

Wendy calls Kristy crabby (that's an understatement) and Jessi insists she's just worried that the club is in trouble. And Jessi ponders...is the club really in trouble?

[wildshadowtamer]

A Different Path (What If?) Ch 5

Summary: Perry came back from a non-heinz-related mission, covered in soot and quite out of breath, he expected to just spend a few hours doing paperwork, but when he logged into his profile, he saw something sickening.

Here is the story of why Perry hates OWCA.

Tags (Chapter Specific): Violence, Attempted Murder, Attempted Child Murder, Blood

Tags (Fic General): Ducky Momo - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Character Death, car crash, burn scars, burn victim, Fluff and Angst, warning: this fic is dark, especially the first chapter, Inspired by Fanfiction, Based on a Tumblr Post, AU, what if au, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Mentions of car crashes, Past Child Abuse, mentions of child abuse, mentions of child abandonment, Family Fluff, Fluff, Violence, Attempted Murder, Attempted Child Murder, Blood

Notes: Credit to @woulddieforperrytheplatypus for encouraging me to write this fic! TW for violence, attempted murder, attempted child murder, and blood

Rating: Mature

Read It On Ao3

or

Read It Here!

~~~~

July 18th, 2006

Perry came back from a non-heinz-related mission, covered in soot and quite out of breath, his entire body aching from the fight against 4 goons at once. He stumbled into his lair below D.E.I and collapsed tiredly onto his chair in front of his giant movie-like monitor, he sighed with a chittering noise and pulled the chair closer to the keyboard.

Then he remembered that he would likely need to do paperwork for arresting the villain he was up against, and likely file a mission report and summarize everything that happened. He laid his head on the desk and silently wished for something to happen so he could avoid it, but he knew there was no escaping endless paperwork, and so he turned on his monitor and clicked into his agent file.

Just as he was about to make a new mission report, he spotted something unusual on his file, a hazard sign flickering on his boys’ family file. Thats strange, did something happen while he was at work?

He puts his phone back on noise, as its usually on silent when he’s on missions, and checks his texts. No recent texts from Heinz.

He clicked into Phineas and Ferb’s file warily, the boys, as of last year, had started making amazing inventions and fun creations near daily in the summer and winter, and working on simple projects in the school months. Recently they had been making some admittedly extreme projects, including 3d printing monkeys and teaching them how to ride a unicycle, Perry still isn’t too sure how they cleaned it up before Charlene, Heinz’ ex-wife, saw it.

However, what Perry saw in the files made his fur stand on end; Each of their inventions had been logged and dated, each with a threat level, ranging from safe green to deadly red.

Threat Level? Their not even double digits, how could they be a threat to anyone except the laws of reality!?

Perry quickly scrolled to the most recent addition, today’s creation, which was apparently an ice cream machine gone wrong, and a few wrong wires turned it into a death ray. Perry nervously glanced to the glaring red threat level on screen, he checked the notes to make sure nobody got hurt.

Notes:

Death Ray was set off and hit a tree close to the house, but no person or animal was harmed. However, I still believe these boys to be a threat, no matter their age. Villains only make more villains.

Perry chittered angrily to himself at the notes, his hands shaking as he checked who had been logging the inventions; an older agent Perry was close to, Dennis The Rabbit. He had actually been Perry’s mentor back when he was a pup. 

But, if he was so close to perry, why would he call Phineas and Ferb ‘threats’ and ‘villains’? Their just kids who made a harmless mistake!

He shook his head and took a breath, death rays are no harmless mistake, no matter the result. He’ll have to have a serious talk with the whole family about wiring safety and double checking their work.

As he mentally rehearsed his lecture, he spotted a note added to the main file of the boys, and his thoughts screeched to a terrified halt.

Set to be ‘silenced’ at 5:00pm sharp, on D.E.I balcony by Agent Dennis The Rabbit

‘Silenced’? That can’t be good. Perry’s heart raced as he checked the time; 4:58. He still had time. He didn’t bother shutting down his monitor as he ran from his lair and grabbed his jetpack, making a beeline for the balcony before Dennis could get there.

He saw the boys building on balcony, unharmed and safe, and perry nearly relaxed, but he noticed a red-band fedora peeking over the lip of the open roof, and time slowed significantly.

Perry had to choose an option fast, either tackle Dennis and risk hitting the boys, or grab the boys and risking getting hit with it himself. He made up his mind, and silently begged Heinz to forgive him. 

A bright laserbeam of light shot down from the roof, aiming right at the boys, but Perry swooped down and grabbed a sheet of metal, throwing himself infront of Phineas and Ferb to deflect the laser, which bounced back and narrowly missed Dennis’ hat.

“Perry?” Phineas asked, but Perry was too focused, he grabbed the two by the wrist and shoved them inside as Dennis parachuted down from the roof and glared at Perry.

Neither needed to talk in animal tounge to know the other’s intent, both wanted to harm, but wanted to harm very, very different people.

Dennis gave a cocky smile and took his parachute off, letting it fall to the balcony floor as the two agents sized eachother up, standing only 6 feet apart.

The distance was shortly broken as Dennis tackled Perry to the floor, punching him hard across the face as the platypus grabbed him by the neck and flipped them both over so Perry was pinning Dennis. 

It became a raging battle of tooth and claw, blood splattering on their furs as they wrestled on the ground, and Perry nearly caught Dennis with his ankle barbs, but restrained himself enough to throw the smaller agent across the balcony and through the glass windows seperating the balcony from the apartment.

Glass shattered everywhere, catching Perry in the arm as the entire window crumbled to the ground in shards, but Perry didn’t care. He was struggling to stay steady, he knew if he let go of his restraint that he would kill the admittedly weaker agent. His venom could kill a lot of animals, but he knews his family would miss him if he was sent to jail, or worse, the pound.

Still, he ran across the shattered glass, ignoring the pain in his webbed feet, and grabbed Dennis by the front of the scruff, punching him square in the face mid-action jump. Dennis went limp, knocked out cold from the punch.

“Perry the Platypus, what’s going on in here-” Heinz stopped in his tracks as he looked between the two bloody agents, one unconscious and the other wielding a near-murderous glare, and the shattered window behind them. 

Perry simply held up his clawed paws and signed “O-W-C-A”

Heinz pulled a notepad from his labcoat pocket and handed it to Perry “what did OWCA do? And why is an agent on my floor? The boys said you pushed them inside without a hello.” The scientist explained, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously

It took a few minutes, but Perry eventually shoved a series of notes into Heinz’s hands, and walked over to his jetpack on the balcony, which he had abandoned as he grabbed the metal sheet.

OWCA planned to ‘silence’ the boys with some sort of laser, they didn’t tell me. Dennis was the one to shoot them, but i got in the way and deflected it just in time. The -inator is on the roof. I’ll explain the rest later, right now i have someone to talk to.

“Someone to talk to? But perry, your inju-” Heinz stopped as he watched Perry fly away anyway, apparently uncaring of his injuries. Heinz was mad, thats for sure, but not just mad at OWCA. He was mad at, and quite disappointed in, himself.

If he had just kept an eye on the boys or brought them inside when he went to check on Candace & Vanessa, Perry wouldn’t have gotten hurt, and Perry wouldn’t be so mad. 

Perry came to a stop at OWCA HQ’s entrance, and, despite the searing pain in his feet and body, he couldn’t care less. He was infuriated, shaking with such anger he almost saw red. When he finds Monogram, he’s gonna give that monobrowed cheapskate liar a piece of his mind.

The automatic sliding doors of HQ opened as Perry was scanned by the facial recognition software, he stormed inside with a walk that Heinz once described as a “murder walk”, meaning with each minute Perry considers his option, jail seems increasingly preferred.

The other agents knew that walk, and all kept their distance from the top agent as he stormed past all of them, headed straight for the Major’s office.

“He’s definitely qutting today” Monty, the Major’s son, whispered to a human agent from canada, Lyla, Perry was sure her name was. Lyla glanced at Perry, then back to Monty, and nodded.

Like the controlled, trained agent Perry is, he kept his composure enough to only kick the door to monogram’s office off the hinges, and not throw it at him like he really wanted to. Carl recognised that enraged look in his eyes, and quickly left the room.

“Ah. Agent P. What’re you doing here?” Monogram asked warily, knowing full well, but trying to stall some time. All he got in response was an angry chitter, monogram sighed “I didn’t want to do it either, but when it comes down to the safety of the agency, we can’t have a pair of villains running around with a death ray!”

The word ‘villain’ echoed in perry’s head, his agent mind getting drowned out by pure anger as everything went red and Perry activated the chitter-to-speech translator built into his collar.

Monogram paled as he realised what he had just done.

And Perry snapped. 

Half an hour later,

Perry had left the door open, so everyone in view of the office, which would be half the agency as all of them wanted to hear this, could see and hear perry’s furious rant.

They collectively gasped as he grabbed his fedora and threw it down on the floor angrily “I’ve had enough of this agency, and i’ve had enough of YOU” Perry yelled “I QUIT.”

Monogram, pale in the face and speechless, spluttered “you- you can’t do that!”, Perry slammed a fist on the flipped office desk “well i just did.” he snarled, then turned on his heel and stormed out of the office, the agents parting like curtains to let Perry past without him hitting someone.

There was a dead silence as everyone watched their ex-best agent leave HQ for good, eventually, Monty spoke up

“Y’know,” he looks over to his father “you kinda had it coming.” he commented calmly,  hands in his hoodie pockets. He shrunk into his hood as his father glared at him, who then took a breath and flipped his table to the right way up

“Carl, get to work on Agent P’s termination paperwork. I don’t think we’re getting him back.” Monogram told the 16-year-old unpaid intern, who peeked his head through the doorway “a-alright sir, i’ll get right to it”

Heinz knew something was wrong from the moment Perry stepped foot back in the apartment, still bleeding and scratched up. 

“Perry? What did you do?” he asked his pet nervously, Perry gave a momentary glare before taking a breath and relaxing a bit, he turned off his translator in his collar and wrote something on the spare notepad he keeps next to the couch, sitting down

I quit.

Heinz spluttered “wh- you what?”, he couldn’t believe it! Perry The Platypus, his nemesis since the day perry could fight, quit his job at OWCA?

Perry tapped the same note in reiteration, then added another sentence

I quit.

Monogram tried to hurt my brothers, and i just can’t tolerate that. I was going to leave next summer anyway, he doesn’t even treat his agents with basic respect.

“Well- yeah i get that, i’d quit too if my boss tried to, y’know, kill my children and all” Heinz had calmed down from his internal rage at both OWCA and himself from almost an hour earlier, “but what are you going to do now? Being an agent was Your Thing, and who’s going to be my nemesis?” He asked, and Perry had no answer, except a helpless shrug

I’ll think about it. I need more time with the kids and you anyway, it’ll be good not to have work for a few weeks.

“Great idea! Maybe you can help out with their inventions! Oh and I know Phineas has been wanting to show you his and Ferb’s creations. Their getting very talented!” he gasped “Maybe take them to that Googleplex Mall and take them shopping, you need a new collar anyways” He suggested, and Perry thought about it for a minute, then smiled a bit and nodded

“Brilliant!” he pulls a blank calender from behind the couch, how did perry not spot that? “Here, i’ve been working on an Inator that works similarly to a time machine, it runs mostly on calendars so i went out when you were working and bought a bunch of them, i hope you don’t mind.” Heinz rambled, Perry smiled and took the calender, using his pen to plan some events him and the kids could do, he was really looking forward to this.

Leaving OWCA was the best thing Perry ever could’ve done.

[kokkuri3]

I think VnC’s treatment of female characters is better than in PH, where most of them were props, tools to further the development of males, *coughLacieyoudeservedbetter*, tools to humanise the males *coughAdayoucan’tfixhimwithlove, endlessly forgiving and impossibly saintly *coughreallyAlyssyou’rejustgonnaforgiveJacklikethatyouarenotangryatall??*, amongst other problematic tropes.

VnC’s treatment of female characters is absolutely better than PH’s-- in fact, I’d say VnC was one of the few shounen manga to consistently treat its female characters with the same passion and respect as its male ones. One thing I say often is that VnC feels as thought it was written with Mochizuki having acknowledged PH’s problems (the complete lack of nonwhite characters, the continual mistreatment of female characters, the at times facetious treatment of issues such as incest or pedophilia which is... Not A Fan) and to that effect, I think she is making a deliberate effort to make multiple female characters with their own arcs which exist outside of men, who have important relationships with other women, who are capable of agency in the same capacity as their male counterparts.

This post isn’t really about VnC though so I’m not gonna sing its praises much anymore. I’ve talked before about how, despite being written by a woman, despite clearly acknowledging misogyny as a chronic problem among violent men PH is... not especially self aware when it comes to the misogyny of its own narrative.

I’ve made my thoughts on Lacie clear before (see here) and particularly how I believe her treatment was one of the times where PH’s treatment of women was particularly remarkable in that it’s good, despite her arc being drenched in misogynistic abuse and violence. I absolutely wish that the atrocities pinned on Lacie being not her fault was made more clear (aside from what I said in the post, and Oz saying that Lacie would never desire for the destruction of the world she loved) but I don’t think her writing itself was misogynistic-- I’d even go as far as to say it was feminist, though, obviously, I’m open to disagreement.

What most certainly does piss me off, however, is the writing of Ada’s arc. Yesterday I joked about Ada being the ‘anti-Lacie,’ and while it was a joke, I still intended some seriousness with it. Unlike Lacie, who was forced to constantly reevaluate her morals and the positions of her and her loved ones as a person whose existence was an inherent sin and who was abused throughout her life, Ada’s arc is built around the fact that she has never had to question anything. Similarly, while Lacie’s arc is about how she sought her own agency despite being surrounded by and allowed only those who were at best complacent in her suffering, Ada’s arc is about how... she continually sought out and apologized for a misogynistic predator despite being surrounded by better options.

The gender of the Core of the Abyss is something which I think warrants a separate post, but the official translation refers to the Core as being female, and for nearly the entire story she takes the form of a girl. Lacie reached out to an entity referred to and most often perceived as female, sought to understand her, and was abused as a specific consequence of this. Ada, meanwhile, made no real attempts at sympathy for her female counterparts. She never sought to question the circumstances of Noise, or Echo, or their relationship with Vincent. She gave forgiveness for crimes she had not been affected by nor did she even understand; her defense of Vincent was done not out of concern for Noise’s psyche but out of unquestioned pity for her abuser.

Ada’s arc bothers me for its utter lack of agency. She was a teenaged girl, expected to fix a predatory, abusive man in his twenties, and throughout her arc she is given no real means of choosing other options nor protecting herself. Her decision to defend a predator was not even an educated one; she simply did not know. Nor did she ever really come to understand anything about Vincent, aside from brief glimpses into his past. Ada is dragged around by the plot, pursuing an abuser she did not know was an abuser yet still felt sure she could heal, being forbidden from choice-- where she was not denied choice in the sense that she lacked the knowledge to make one, she was denied choice via other characters forbidding her. She was not allowed to protect Vincent though she wanted to because Vincent felt it was too dangerous to allow her to, she was not allowed to remain beside her friends and family though she wanted to because they felt it was too dangerous to allow her to, she wasn’t allowed to stay with Vincent because it was too dangerous, she wasn’t allowed to see him again because it was too dangerous... and she’s never given the choice to do anything but go along with it.

Alyss’s forgiveness of Jack is... a more complicated issue. That Ada “forgive” Vincent-- along with many of their other interactions, I might add-- felt utterly meaningless to me. Ada had never really perceived Vincent as performing a slight against her, being perfectly willing to assign any violence he committed against her as either her own fault, or part of his mental illness, thus Not His Fault. That Alyss forgive Jack, who was violent towards her, who she understood as victimizing her and others... I don’t like it, exactly, but at least it’s not the same.

I’m not sure “forgive” is even the correct word for what she did-- she acknowledged him, and she was gentle, but she never told Jack that she forgave him. Vincent’s dialogue during Retrace CIII supplements this in saying he suspects that Alyss’s feelings for Jack are the same as his own.

Vincent feels unable to either forgive Jack nor reject him entirely, feeling that he had done too much good for him to ever really hate him. Alyss, similarly, felt too strong a love for Jack to reject him outright. She never expressed sympathy for his actions, nor did she make any attempts to defend him. There was no misunderstanding on Alyss’s part on whether her love for Jack was unhealthy, but she loved him nonetheless. When she finally “finds” him, she offers no words of kindness. She simply expressed her gratitude in having done so before calling him a hopelessly lonely man, making no further attempts at even acknowledging him.

Of course, there is the inherent misogyny of a character arc about a young girl infatuated with an adult man, to the point of destroying her other relationships in pursuit of it. That Alyss was deliberately isolated and that Jack be the only person aside from the other Alice and the Core of Abyss-- two entities that cannot be meaningfully separated from herself-- is an obvious contributor, but that does not erase the problematic aspects of her arc. Then there’s the matter of Alyss’s wish to die being the only one treated as though it was a necessary evil, as opposed to a reflection of the individual’s personal instability that should be addressed through supporting them as opposed to killing them. It’s sort of an unfair double standard, and that the plot make Alyss’s death a necessary evil is a matter of author choice, not something inherent to the work.

On the topic of other instances of misogynistic writing in PH as a whole, there’s the matter of Alice and Sharon’s arc. While I don’t think either arc is in itself misogynistic, both characters are totally ignored in favor of their male counterparts. Despite Alice being one of the most important characters in the series, she has almost no narration and is frequently characterized as, to quote a friend of mine, a “feral animal.” She’s not given the same emotional or psychological depth as Oz or Gil, despite having around the same number of appearances and being the plot’s catalyst. Sharon has her own arc, theoretically, but we only ever see it within the context of Break or Reim despite being more of a main character than the latter. That Sharon spend entire volumes not appearing a single time is a recurring joke. A major part of her characterization-- that she feel insecure in relationships due to her halted aging-- is not revealed until the last chapter of the comic. Her arc ends with her marrying to a character who... I wouldn’t have been upset if the two of them had had any real interactions outside of Break, but they didn’t. There’s no inherent problem with their relationship except it’s boring and rushed.

Then there’s the matter of the sheer number of female versus male characters whose purpose in the plot is to die violently-- the Flower Girl, Vanessa Nightray, Bernice Nightray, Miranda Barma, Mary, etc. All of these characters did little or nothing to actually progress the plot, and all are murdered by a male character with the exception of the Flower Girl (who is a sex worker in the anime adaptation, and while I don’t know the canonicity of that, I feel it worth mentioning). 

Ultimately, PH suffers a lot for Mochizuki’s internalized misogyny. Her narrative seems over eager to forgive perpetrators of misogynistic violence, and in many ways over eager to characterize sympathetic men as misogynists. A Pandora Hearts without its themes of misogyny seems... nearly incomprehensible, though that’s in large part because of how meticulous the narrative as a whole is. The improvements Mochizuki has made subsequently, though, are noticeable and greatly appreciated.

[al-norton]

pandora hearts and fenris for the ask meme!~

PANDORA HEARTS

Favorite character: ugh it’s SO HARD, but I’ll go with the Main Trio, because they are soft and give me warm feelings! I love how all of them are struggling with memory loss and trauma, and how differently they fight it. They aren’t perfect, but they mean so much. Honorable mentions are Vincent and Lacie, far more problematic characters. but also the ones I relate to the most in some weird way.

Least Favorite character: Idk, like, Miranda? I still don’t get why she wanted Oswald’s head?? was she just real crazy??? that it?????

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Oswald/Jack (husbands!), Elliot/Leo (boyfriends!!), Oz/Gilbert (lovers... not in the part where Oz is 15 though. I’m generally keeping an opinion that Oz is an eldritch bunny monster so age doesn’t matter that much in his case, but before he regains his memories even he doesn’t know that. Gilbert definitely doesn’t, and he’d never go for it with a 15yo), Break/Reim (soft!!) aaaand, ugh, Ada/Vanessa (softer!!!!)

Character I find most attractive: ♥Lacie♥ And then after Lacie... Fang!!! Don’t @ me, he’s big and gentle and wields a giant sword, I don’t ask for much in a man. (but also Lacie is like, holy shit, the whole new lvl)

Character I would marry: honestly, Lacie would make a great wife for me because she doesn’t like to be controlled and I don’t like controlling people! This union would probably fuck up my sleep schedule and impulse control, but I’m willing to give it up.  Lacie looks like someone you can just... enjoy the world with, together. Isn’t it a thing to live for?

Character I would be best friends with: probably, like, Lotti? (she’s really cool and we would gossip and bitch about every single one of people we know) 

a random thought: well it’s about Lacie again: I think it’s funny how the manga builds her up. By the time she actually shows up she’s, like, a legend. A secret. A mystery. And it makes her great, but it also kinda fucks her character over (I think it was to keep the mystery and panache that author gave her so many contradictory actions, like developing an empathetic relationship with the formless core of the abyss, but then having her rip human into pieces without second thought and dancing in bloody rain)

An unpopular opinion: Victorian England aestetic? ...way overrated. I know I was all over this shit when I was 13 but now, ugh

My Canon OTP: Jack/Oswald, Elliot/Leo... jokes aside, canon pairings are kinda eh

My Non-canon OTP: look above but also specifically post-canon Gil/Oz/Alice. They have such a great dynamic, I swear, and just re-imagining them in more modern times is so much fuuuun

Most Badass Character: Gilbert. 

Most Epic Villain: Jack (Juries were pretty rad too, esp. theme-wise, but Jack’s betrayal was just so visceral) 

Pairing I am not a fan of: Break/Sharon

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): the female ones :) (like I’m sorry to say it because a lot of female characters are powerful and cool and have great potential, but their arks just fall flat next to the male character arks. the only exceptions I can think of are Alice and Echo)

Favourite Friendship: Gil and Oz and Alice! But also entire Baskerville family! 

Character I most identify with: probably Alice? I too can be pretty rude and aggressive and absent, but also I’m really emotionally intelligent and honest? I was surprised to recognize this in her, too, but also pleased

Character I wish I could be: Rufus Barma. Reading books... Pretending he’s a weird baloon man... Pining after a more successful woman for decades... dude’s living the life!

Now FENRIS (but I’ll try to keep it short!)

How I feel about this character: he’s great! I think he stands for very important topics, my fave being relationship to the kind of people who traumatized you. Not, like, the person, but the people. This extrapolation happens a lot in real life, and I don’t see it addressed enough in media? I also like that his personal ark (best case scenario) doesn’t end in just learning to see a person beyond just being a mage or not, or just in a death of his former master, or in acceptance of mages as a whole. He actually goes and fights the problematic people. Physically. What an icon! 

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: mostly just Hawke

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: w Isabella! I don’t think they can really develop romantic thing, but their friendship (even with benefits) is so sweet!

My unpopular opinion about this character: ...I honestly don’t know what’s popular, and feel like a grandma about it

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: better relationship with Anders, duh. Like, I know I just said his hatred for mages is kinda cool narrative-wise. But hanging out with someone for 6 years and not being able to empathize with them even a little? really? it just paints them both as really unreasonable. also the constant bickering is kinda annoying. 

Favorite friendship for this character: Bella! but also, you know, the whole Hawke-crew is one big family and I live for that

My crossover ship: none

[garagetoilet89-blog]

Caramel Maple Fig Cake

Okay, so just going to warn you, this is the LONGEST blog post ever! And it’s also the best because, I’m GETTING MARRIED!!! I know! Can you believe it?! There will be a whole other blog post about that so don’t you worry your pretty little heads off. This is also the best blog post because I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in 7 months and I’m going to dish ALL the dirty deets about it. For some people this wouldn’t be such a massive feat, but for me, it’s a pretty big deal.

I’m totally one of those people who LOVES to drink. Like, loves to drink. Mimosa at breakfast? Yes please! Cocktail at lunch? Yes please! Glass of wine at dinner? Yes please! Another round? Yes please! Most of the time I would try and refrain from drinking during the workweek and then I’d end up having 16-20 drinks over any given weekend between brunch, dinner, and lounging on the couch at home. That may sound like a lot, but think about it like this, 2-3 mimosas at breakfast, 2 cocktails at lunch, then 2-3 glasses of wine at dinner multiplied by 2 days. It adds up quick! Other times I’d have a glass or two of wine at night during the workweek to unwind. So now we’re talking 25-30 drinks per week. PER WEEK. I constantly craved it. Looking back I can’t believe that was my life. I was shackled to alcohol and I was so sick and tired of it.

I also couldn’t get through a social event without alcohol. Going to the beach? Not without a bottle of chardonnay in my purse. Going to the movies? Let’s go to one of those fancy ones where we can drink cocktails while we watch. Going to a concert? Not before pre-gaming somewhere. Going to a friends house? BYO-Booze. Sound familiar? I’m definitely not an introvert by any means, in fact I’d say all signs point to extrovert. I’m very outgoing, and I love to talk, but sometimes when I find myself in certain social situations that I’m not particularly comfortable with (large groups/crowds, certain family events, work events, etc.) I would have to have a drink just to get through it. And let’s be honest, it’s pretty fun to be buzzed and talk to people. Right? Until I’ve had too many and my filter is gone, and then it’s a bit dicey to say the least!

It was a never ending cycle though. I knew I wanted to cut back on drinking because it was just starting to spiral and I really wanted to lose some weight for my Caribbean trip in August. I’m going with Juli from PaleOMG and have you SEEN her abs (Chandler from Friends voice)?! Having to be in a bathing suit at all times for a week straight will do that to you. Last December at dinner I drank 5 glasses of wine and was barely buzzed. Not cool. And let’s do the math, 5 glasses of wine multiplied by 120 calories a glass = 600 calories. 600 calories! For what?! Do you know how much food you can eat for 600 calories, that’s almost half of what I should be eating in an entire day, and that was just a normal dinner out. SMH. That’s also wine. 120 calories is pretty low for a glass of booze. Beer and cocktails have way more calories, so on a typical night out you can easily add 1000 calories to you day just in alcohol alone. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather house some gluten-free pizza or a bomb-ass flourless brownie sundae with all those calories than drink them. AMIRIGHT?!

Another thing that happened was I read this REALLY good book that a friend recommended called, This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness, & Change Your Life by Annie Grace. It has completely transformed how I think about alcohol. Like completely. I highly recommend it! But I will also give a strong warning with it, once you read this book, you can’t go back. Every time you drink you will think about what you read in this book and you’ll see alcohol in a completely different light. It’s actually really scary at first. Something that was once so comfortable, familiar, and such a close friend, like a warm fuzzy blanket, then becomes a stranger. And to just walk away from it, when you really don’t want to but know you need to, like a bad boyfriend, it leaves you feeling unsure and entirely exposed.

Alcohol is a very interesting part of our society. It’s so glamorized. It’s like the smoking of the 70’s and 80’s. Like remember when smoking was “cool”. Then we found out it causes cancer and prematurely ages you, etc. etc. What do you think alcohol is doing to your body? “But what about all those fun Facebook articles my friends share about how a glass of wine is good for your heart health and high in antioxidants?!” Who do you think pays for those studies? Can I get ‘Alcohol Companies’ for $500 Alex. There is absolutely no nutritional value in alcohol that your body benefits from ever, PERIOD. In fact alcohol is a toxin and your body doesn’t like it at all. As much as we wish wine was a fruit serving because it’s made from grapes, it’s not.

So what did I do? I learned… A LOT! I gave up alcohol for 7 months and this is what happened…

1. No hangover

You don’t realize how awesome hangovers aren’t until you stop having them. Prime example, I just went snowboarding with all my shred friends over the weekend. I listened to them plan for a good solid 20 minutes on how they were going to navigate the night of drinking so that they weren’t too hungover in the morning to be miserable snowboarding all day (been there). I’m talking serious details and planning going down! I was expecting them to pull out an Excel spreadsheet or blueprints or something. I realized with glee that I didn’t even have to spend 1/10 of a second thinking about it. I’d be up and at em’ and ready to send it!

2. You Lose weight without doing anything

I gave up drinking on December 31st. So the “Holiday 10” I gain every year like clockwork was gone within the first month. From not really changing anything except not drinking (and probably from not shoving Holiday cookies down my throat, let’s be real). Again refer to the 600 calorie minimum as stated above.

3. You Don’t lose all your stuff

Yes Pavel, I’m talking about you. After drinking all day while we were snowboarding the other weekend, my friend Pavel couldn’t remember where he left all his snowboarding gear. Did he accidentally leave his helmet, googles, gloves, and season pass back at Main Lodge where they were drinking before they left? Or was his stuff in the car somewhere? Or the room? He couldn’t find anything or even remember where he’d last seen his stuff. How many nights out drinking have you lost your phone, your credit card, your ID, your decency? Too many to count.

4. You save money

Like, SO MUCH MONEY. When I go out to eat with my friends, my portion of the bill will always be around $10-$17 and theirs will be at least $45, sometimes up to $65. When I go snowboarding with all of my friends we like to share an Airbnb so we can cook and hang out together. We all get together to go grocery shopping for meals and booze. When it comes time for everyone to Venmo, I owe $6.28 for the whole weekend and they owe $29.33. That’s a pretty big difference. My hot chocolate break on the mountain is $4 with tip. Their drinks are about $14 a pop and they end up usually having about 2-3 drinks in one sitting, so with tip, about $45. I spend $4, they spend $45. EVERY TIME we stop at the lodge. Alcohol is EXPENSIVE.

5. Better sleep quality

This one trips me out! I have the craziest most vivid dreams that I completely remember, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! Most people think drinking makes you sleep better, but the exact opposite is true. It doesn’t allow your body and brain to get to the deeper levels of your sleep cycles. This would lead me to feel exhausted ALL OF THE TIME. I would walk around like a zombie and couldn’t figure out why I felt so drained all the time. I was eating right, exercising, going to bed at a decent hour and I even thought I had a thyroid problem or something at one point because it was so bad. I feel awesome now and it’s super far and few between that I have a day where I don’t feel rested. Another pro is when my alarm clock goes off, I’m up immediately. I don’t curse my existence and I can’t remember the last time I hit the snooze button.

6. Mental clarity

You remember stuff. I used to ALWAYS forget stuff. In fact I would have to set alarms on my phone and leave post-its everywhere to remind me to do stuff and I’d still manage to forget it. Now things just come to me. If I’m in the grocery store and forget my list, I manage to remember everything I need. At work, I can remember little things I need to and get my job done more efficiently. I can also multi-task a lot better which my life and work requires me to do constantly.

7. My skin looks so much better

Like SO much better. A nice dewy glow has replaced the dry leathery suitcase skin I used to live with all the time. I look way younger too since my wrinkles aren’t so imprinted into my dry-ass face. My color is so much more rosy and it just looks super healthy! I get compliments on my skin all the time now. It could also be my Primally Pure Skincare of course. Maybe a combo of both? (Read my blog post about skincare here.)

8. You make better choices

This comes to all areas of your life, food, people, exercising (because you’re not too hungover to skip it), not peeing or vomiting in public, not waking up in strange places, and don’t even get me started on drunk shopping! Better choices means less regrets too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up the next morning after a long night of boozing so embarrassed by something I said or did. Luckily my friends love me and know that drunk Vanessa has NO filter.

9. Alcohol is addictive

Not in the 12 steps, give me power to control that which I cannot control way, although YES that is absolutely a HUGE reality and completely stems from the fact that alcohol is addictive. But what I’m talking about here is in the way that sugar is addictive. You eat sugar, your brain pleasure centers light up with a dopamine response, your insulin levels rise, then your blood sugar falls and your body craves the sugar and the pleasure, then the cravings are too hard to control, so you give in and eat it, and the cycle continues and continues. Alcohol is the exact same way. You become addicted to it. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself this, could you go to dinner, brunch, a sporting event, a wedding, a BBQ, or to the club this weekend with friends, and not drink? The thought of doing that sucks right? Trust me, I get it. Does that mean you’re an alcoholic? Not in the terms that we’re used to, but alcohol is so addictive that you can’t imagine going without it and won’t even consider giving it up. It’s even used as a treat for getting through a challenging task like putting the kids to sleep or making it through a rough day at work.

  1. You don’t need to drink to have fun

You really don’t. If you honestly enjoy the company you’re in, you’ll have fun regardless. I have a close knit group of friends, and each one of them I love to spend time with regardless of whether or not alcohol is involved. We still laugh just as hard and have just as much fun, if not more, because we can hang longer and not having to worry about passing out or how we’re going to stay sober enough to get back home. I can say with complete conviction that I have not missed out on a single experience because I wasn’t drinking. In fact I probably ended up enjoying my experiences MORE.

2. Alcohol is everywhere

The next time you watch TV, a movie, or go out in public, just take the time to notice how prevalent alcohol is in our society. The bar is strategically placed to be the first thing you see when you walk into a restaurant, so alcohol is in your subconscious before you even sit down at your table. The alcohol bottles are made to look gorgeous with their fancy under lighting and pretty reflections to get you to order one (or 5) and in turn spend more money. Alcohol is everywhere and everyone associates it as a positive experience even though puking in the toilet has never once felt positive to me.

3. People will pressure you to drink

Not because they don’t love you or support you, it’s just that they want to drink and they don’t want to drink by themselves. My friends know I’m obsessed with Moscow Mules, so they will buy my favorite Moscow Mule fixings (Ketel One, Bundaberg Ginger Beer, lime, mint and even copper cups!) to try and get me to drink with them. Honestly, I’m more impressed by this than anything. I admire their perseverance and the fact that they just get me on that level.

You will also notice that sometimes people will get uncomfortable when you say you aren’t drinking, especially at a dinner table when they are about to order a drink. It’s nothing against you, it’s just them questioning themselves and why they need to have a drink in order to enjoy the meal and why you don’t. Then they’ll wonder quickly if they should continue with their drink order despite this new information. It really has nothing to do with you so don’t worry about it.

4. You will feel incredible

I cannot stress this enough! My sleep is better, my workouts are better, my food choices are better, my quality of life is just BETTER. Not being hungover, or constantly exhausted, or always feeling like I’m on the cusp of depression is great. I feel awesome!

So you’re probably wondering how you are supposed to navigate life with no alcohol, well here are some of the tips and tricks I learned along the way that helped me the most.

1. Never Go Empty Handed

When you’re at an event where alcohol is served, carry a drink in your hand at all times. Whether it’s a soda water and lime or a huge HydroFlask full of plain water (what I carry to get all my daily water in), just carry it. No one pays attention to what you’re drinking like you think they do and just the simple act of being able to mingle and still drink something puts you at ease.

2. Don’t Tempt Yourself

The first 2 weeks will be the hardest. I recommend not to put yourself in any tempting situations. This means don’t keep any in the house and don’t go to your favorite steakhouse that serves your favorite wine or craft cocktail on Happy Hour. In fact I recommend not going out to eat at all in those first 2 weeks unless it’s a quick spot that doesn’t serve alcohol. I don’t know about you, but I have all my favorite cocktails at all my favorite spots memorized. Why put yourself in the path of temptation? After the first 2 weeks the cravings will subside and it will be easier to pass on drinks.

3. Exercise

Exercise is your body’s answer to pretty much everything. Depressed? Exercise. Tired? Exercise. Need more energy? Exercise. Want to sleep better? Exercise. Stressed? Exercise. Want to quit drinking? Exercise. Seriously. Take all the money you’ll save from not drinking booze and try out a cool new workout class in your area or grab some friends to go hike on Thursday/Friday evenings and make that your Happy Hour.

Events I survived this year without alcohol:

New Years Eve

New Years Day

Too many après snowboarding to count

Valentine’s Day

Countless brunches and dinners out at great restaurants

One Graduation Party

Two weddings, one at a winery

Three birthday parties, one at a winery

Four BBQ’s

Five work Happy Hours

Brad’s birthday

Mine and Brad’s 7-year anniversary

Our engagement

The point being – IT CAN BE DONE regardless of what events life throws at you.

So that begs the question, why do we drink so much? Is it because everyone else is drinking? Or because it’s just expected in certain situations? Or because we’ll feel left out if we don’t? Or will we miss out on the experience? What is it? Let’s get to the real question you’re probably wondering. Will I ever drink again? Absolutely. (See 9. above.) I will drink on my Caribbean vacation in August and I will probably drink during my birthday week in September, and you know what, I’m okay with that. I’m being realistic with myself. But I also realize that I’ve learned so much during this little experiment that there is a real possibility I might not actually even like alcohol anymore and I may not want to continue drinking. It might not be as fun and familiar as I remember it. It might actually be horrible. I might decide that I don’t want to continue drinking because I know exactly what it’s doing to my body. I really just don’t know at this point.

I also realize the second that I re-introduce alcohol to my body again, I will have to fight off the terrible cravings that come with the territory. I will also most likely have to endure hangovers. Neither of which I’m particularly looking forward to. Could I enjoy my vacation without alcohol? Of course I could. Could I go the rest of the year with out drinking? Absolutely. Could I go two years without drinking? I definitely think so. So why give in now? Why not just stay strong and pass on the booze? Because honestly I’m just not ready to commit to never drinking again at this point. The reality is at the end of the day drinking a great glass of wine, having a good craft beer on nitro or a well made Moscow Mule, brings me simple joy and life is just too short.

What I do know is how great I feel right now living an alcohol-free life and that might actually outweigh everything at some point. By my vacation I will have been sober for 8 months, that’s the better part of a year. I may get back from vacation and not drink for the rest of the year. Or maybe I will fall into a spiral again and have to re-read This Naked Mind, or go over the “Pro List” I’ve written above and quit all over again. I just don’t know. I’m okay with figuring it out though in my own time and in my own way. I’m definitely a little scared because I don’t want to go back to the place where I was, but I also want to be able to enjoy alcohol from time to time as I see fit. Ideally, I’d like to be one of those drinkers that only has alcohol on super special occasions or when it’s really worth it. I will definitely have an update to this post after vacation and stuff to let you know what happened!

So what’s the point of this blog post? To judge and condemn you for drinking? To try and convince you that alcohol is the devil and you should quit immediately? Nah boo, do you. I just wanted to share my experience as someone who felt shackled to alcohol and was able to free themselves from the chains. Also as someone who tries to do the best they can for their body. My experience was very eye opening and a lot different than I expected it to be. It was very challenging, but ultimately worth it in the end and I feel like I’ve grown so much because of it. I wanted to share that.

Are you trying to quit drinking? Have you already quit drinking? Share your story with me in the comments below! Oh, and here’s your recipe as a prize for making it through this incredibly lengthy, and perhaps preachy, blog post! Here’s the recipe for my favorite cake that I’ve ever made, because I’m getting married and weddings call for cake! I would love to remake this for our special day. Not only is it perfection, it’s absolutely mouth watering! This cake recipe was first featured in my cookbook, Clean Eating with a Dirty Mind, along with dozens of other cake recipes. So if you like cake, you may wanna grab yourself a copy! Just saying. I hope you enjoy!

One 2-layer, 6-inch (15-cm) cake or one 1-layer, 8-inch (20-cm) cake (to make the 4-layer cake shown in photos, see Variations below)

2 cups (184 g) sifted fine-ground blanched almond flour

¼ cup (34 g) tapioca flour

2 tablespoons coconut flour

½ cup (65 g) maple sugar

½ teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon fine-grain sea salt

⅛ teaspoon ground cinnamon

4 large egg whites, room temperature

½ teaspoon cream of tartar

½ cup (115 g) palm shortening, plus more for greasing

½ cup (120 ml) canned full-fat coconut milk

¼ cup (60 ml) light-colored raw honey, melted

1 teaspoon almond extract

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

½ cup (64 g) maple sugar

¼ cup (35 g) coconut sugar

½ cup (120 ml) canned full-fat coconut milk, room temperature

4 tablespoons (2 ounces/56 g) salted butter or ¼ cup (55 g) ghee

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

⅛ teaspoon fine-grain sea salt

Vanilla Buttercream Frosting

16 tablespoons (227g) unsalted butter, softened

1 cup (130 g) sifted maple sugar

⅛ teaspoon fine-grain sea salt

1 tablespoon milk (regular or dairy-free type)

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 figs, quartered

Handful of fresh blackberries and blueberries (optional)

Fresh flowers (optional)

Adjust an oven rack to the middle position and preheat the oven to 350°F (177°C). Line the bottom of two 6-inch (15-cm) or one 8-inch (20-cm) springform cake pan(s) with parchment paper, then grease the paper and sides of the pan liberally with palm shortening; set aside. (If making cupcakes or the cake shown in the photo, see the Variations below.)

Prepare the Salted Caramel Sauce and place in the refrigerator to let cool while preparing the cake layer(s). The caramel sauce will be easier to spread when cold.

In the bowl of an 11-cup (2.6-L) food processor, combine the almond flour, tapioca flour, coconut flour, maple sugar, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon. Pulse 30 times or until combined.

In a separate medium-sized mixing bowl, combine the egg whites and cream of tartar. Beat using a hand mixer set to high until eggs are very foamy and soft peaks are about to form; set aside.

Next add the palm shortening, coconut milk, honey, almond extract, and vanilla to the bowl of the food processor, followed by the beaten egg whites. Process until combined. Scrape down the sides as needed and process again for another 30 seconds until a smooth and creamy cake batter is formed.

Pour the batter into the prepared springform cake pan(s), and use a rubber spatula to help scrape all the cake batter in to the pan(s). Bake for 30 to 35 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean. Cool in the pan for 15 minutes, then run a knife along the edge between the cake and the pan to loosen from the sides. Remove and let cool completely.

Once the cake(s) is completely cooled, prepare the frosting.

To assemble: If making a single-layer 8-inch (20-cm) cake, place the cake on a cake plate or cake plate and spread a layer of caramel across the top. Then spread a layer of frosting on the top, completely covering the caramel, and the sides. If making a multilayer cake, use a serrated knife to cut away any uneven places on the top of the cake. Place the first cake layer on a cake plate and, using an offset spatula, spread a layer of caramel across the top of the cake. Then spread a layer of frosting over the caramel layer. Place the second cake layer on top, upside down, and cover the top and edges of the cake with the remaining frosting. Use plastic or wooden dowels to secure the cake and keep the layers from sliding (these are helpful because the caramel tends to spread as it comes back up to room temperature). Garnish the top with quartered figs and berries or fresh flowers, or both, if desired. If using one of the cheese-based frostings, store in the refrigerator for up to 2 days. If using buttercream, store at room temperature in an airtight container or wrapped well in plastic for up to 2 days.

In a medium-sized heavy-bottomed saucepan, combine the sugars, coconut milk, and butter. Over low heat, whisk gently in one direction, so the butter doesn’t separate, until the butter has melted, the sugar has dissolved, and the mixture is combined. Then turn the heat up to medium and bring to a soft boil, then add the vanilla extract and salt and whisk until combined.

Increase the heat to medium-high and bring the mixture to a boil. Let boil for 2 minutes. Remove from the heat and whisk gently until the mixture becomes a smooth liquid again. Place back over heat and boil for an additional 2 minutes to thicken further. Remove from the heat, whisk until mixture becomes a smooth liquid again. Repeat this process for a total of four times. The caramel should be the consistency of thick soup.

Remove from heat. The caramel will continue to thicken as it cools. Refrigerate to cool and thicken completely or freeze for extra-thick caramel. As the caramel comes back up to room temperature it will begin to thin slightly and return to a pourable state. Store in the refrigerator or freezer in a covered container for up to 2 weeks.

For the Vanilla Buttercream

In the bowl of a stand mixer, combine the butter, maple sugar, and salt. Beat, using the whisk attachment, on medium speed until combined. Then add the milk and vanilla and continue to beat on high until the butter has lightened and the mixture has become fluffy and creamy, 3 to 5 minutes. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and the whisk as needed. Transfer to a piping bag fitted with desired tip or use with an offset spatula. Store any remaining frosting in an airtight container in a cool dry place for up to 2 days. Do not place in the refrigerator; the cold temperature will cause the butter to harden. If you don’t have a stand mixer this recipe can be made with a hand mixer; follow the same process using a large mixing bowl.

To make the batter using an electric mixer: In a large mixing bowl, put the almond flour, tapioca flour, coconut flour, maple sugar, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon. Stir together using a fork until combined. Put the egg whites and cream of tartar in a separate medium-sized mixing bowl. Beat using an electric mixer set to high until eggs are very foamy and soft peaks are about to form; set aside. In separate bowl, put the palm shortening, coconut milk, honey, almond extract, and vanilla. Beat on medium speed until combined. Transfer the palm shortening mixture to the dry ingredients, add the beaten egg whites, then beat together on medium-low speed until mixed and combined. Transfer to greased and parchment-lined cake pan(s) and bake as directed.

Caramel Maple Fig Cupcakes: Adjust an oven rack to the middle position. Preheat the oven to 350°F (177°C). Line a 12-well cupcake pan with paper liners. Use a spoon to transfer the batter into the lined cups, filling each about three-quarters full. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Cool in the pan for 10 minutes, then remove to let cool completely. Pipe the frosting on top, then drizzle the caramel sauce on top of the frosting. Garnish with fig slices, berries, or flowers.

*Caramel Maple Fig Cake (as pictured, 4 layers): To make the four-layer cake shown in the photo, line the bottom of four 6-inch (15-cm) springform cake pans with parchment paper, then grease the paper and sides of the pan liberally with palm shortening; set aside. (If you only have two 6-inch (15-cm) springform cake pans, you can still make the cake; you will simply need to wait to make the second batch of batter until you’ve removed the first two cakes from the oven.)

Prepare a double batch of the Salted Caramel Sauce and place in the refrigerator to let cool while preparing the cake layer(s).

To make the layers in this cake, prepare one batch of the batter at a time following Steps 3 through 5 above. Bake the cake layers, following Step 6 above. If you have four 6-inch (15-cm) springform cake pans, you can begin the second batch of cake batter while the first two cakes are baking and pop the second set of cakes in the oven as soon as the first two are removed. If you have only two pans, begin the second batch of batter after you’ve removed the first two cakes from oven. While the second set of cake layers are cooling, make the frosting. To assemble the cake, follow the instructions assembling a multilayer cake in Step 8 above, repeating the process for the four cake layers. Serves 8 to10.

Clean Eating with a Dirty Mind http://cleaneatingwithadirtymind.com/

July 19, 2017 | 43 Comments

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Tags: Cake, Paleo Desserts

Source: http://cleaneatingwithadirtymind.com/2017/07/19/caramel-maple-fig-cake/

[thisdaynews]

‘I Can No Longer Continue to Live Here’

New Post has been published on https://thebiafrastar.com/i-can-no-longer-continue-to-live-here/

‘I Can No Longer Continue to Live Here’

TEGUCIGALPA, Honduras — In a small town tucked in the hills outside Tegucigalpa, there is a stuffed gray bunny rabbit that knows a little girl’s secrets. “I tell him all my things,” she says. “About how I’m doing, and when I feel sad.” She feels sad a lot lately. “I start thinking about things that I shouldn’t be thinking,” she says.

There are a lot of things she shouldn’t be thinking. She is 12 years old and just weeks away from giving birth to a baby.

Story Continued Below

Sofia and her mom told me her story when we met at a women’s shelter in mid-April. Sofia (like others interviewed for this story, she asked me not to use her real name) was raped by a family member of her mom’s boyfriend. She still doesn’t totally understand what pregnancy means or what childbirth entails, but she knows the delivery is looming, and that scares her. “At first, she said that she did not want to have the baby,” Sofia’s mom told me. “She said that she wanted to commit suicide.” When doctors told Sofia she was pregnant and explained that pregnancy meant she was going to have a baby, Sofia, in her soft, small voice, asked whether she could have a doll instead.

When Sofia’s mom found out about the rape, she reported it to the police, and now the man who did it is in jail. But his family kept threatening them, and they have good reason to worry about what happens once he’s out. Most crimes like this—more than 90 percent—aren’t even prosecuted in Honduras. The few women who do see their attackers go to jail are offered little protection when those sentences end.“If he comes out,” Sofia’s mom says, “I am afraid for my life and her life, too.”

What do you do when you fear for your life and the state won’t protect you? Or if the state might make your already tenuous situation worse? The fraught calculations that face Sofia and her mom are endemic across Honduras, a country that remains in the grip of a rash of violence against women and girls. For some, the answer is simple and disruptive: They have to leave. When exhausted families, mothers toting babies and young women traveling alone arrive at the southern border of the United States, it’s not just gang violence or criminality in general that they’re fleeing. It’s also what Sofia whispers about to her bunny: men who beat, assault, rape and sometimes kill women and girls; law enforcement that does little to curtail them; and laws that deny many women who do survive the chance to retake control and steer their own lives.

As of 2015, Honduras ranked among a tiny group of nations, including war-racked Syria and Afghanistan, with the highest rates of violent deaths of women. Although Honduras’ overall murder rate has decreased in recent years, it remains one of the deadliest countries in the world, and the murder rate has been declining more slowly for female victims. Murder remains the second-leading cause of death for women of childbearing age.

Honduras’ troubling numbers are representative of stark challenges in Central America’s Northern Triangle countries of Guatemala, El Salvador and Honduras. Central American migrants are now the majority of those apprehended at the U.S.-Mexico border, and most come from these three countries. The level of violence in Honduras has gotten attention, but the deeper cultural factors at work are less often plumbed. After two weeks of interviews with more than two dozen women in five Honduran cities and their far outskirts, a portrait emerges of a country where day-to-day violence and misogyny collide with restrictive policies to narrow women’s options to a vanishingly small window of possibility—driving them, sometimes, to flee.

A decade ago most border-crossers might have been single men looking for work. Now the majority are families. According to one analysis from the University of Washington, before 2011, just a third of migrants from Northern Triangle countries said they were fleeing violence; from 2011 to 2016, it was more than 70 percent. Among female migrants, more than half listed violence as their reason for trying to get to the United States. Honduran migrants are more likely than even those from El Salvador and Guatemala to say they’re running away from danger—and from the danger of domestic violence.

Hostile rhetoric and harsher policies have been cornerstones of President Donald Trump’s immigration agenda. But even arrests, deportations and family separations can pale compared with the costs of staying put for many Honduran women. Both local women and advocates heredescribed rape and the threat of rape as methods of terrorizing neighborhoods and controlling women in their own homes. One in 10 Honduran women says her partner abused her physically or sexually at least once in the previous year. (No comparable statistics are available for the United States, but in Canada, the proportion is 1 in 100.) Still, these statistics can be unreliable because family violence and sexual assault often go unreported, and it’s not hard to see why: In 2016, of the more than 400 homicide cases with female victims in Honduras, only 15 were even investigated, resulting in just two convictions.

The Honduran government, with backing from the Catholic and Evangelical churches, exacerbates this crisis by limiting women’s options after sexual violence. Honduras is the only nation in Latin America that bans emergency contraception outright, including for rape victims. Abortion is also outlawed, with no exceptions for rape, incest, severe fetal abnormality or the life of the pregnant woman. Women who seek abortions anyway assume physical risk and the potential of years in prison. Women who go through with unwanted pregnancies face a maternal mortality rate that is one of the highest in Latin America; a woman dies nearly every day and a half from pregnancy or childbirth here.

All of this has left Sofia with few options. Sofia’s mom had to quit her job when they decided to move, which means there’s not much money for a new child. A local women’s shelter is helping with counseling and paying for her medical bills and transportation, but it’s not much. Sofia’s mother says her daughter asked for an abortion, but given the law and what Sofia’s mom heard at church, that wasn’t a possibility.And so, Sofia, her fully pregnant belly protruding in jarring juxtaposition to her diminutive preteen frame, is no longer able to go to school, and waits in her one-room home for her delivery date, confiding in her stuffed bunny.

The plan for now is for Sofia’s mom to raise the baby as her own, and tell the girl that she and Sofia are sisters. Hiding up in the hills with a new baby on the way, Sofia’s mom says that leaving Honduras anytime soon is not on the table. But many women in similar positions make the calculus that the short-term risk of migrating is better than the longer-term risk of staying. “Women have to be creative,” says Joaquin Mejía Rivera, a lawyer and human rights investigator in the city of El Progreso, about an hour outside San Pedro Sula.

Vanessa Siliezar, a women’s rights lawyer based in the coastal city of La Ceiba, put it starkly: “If they’re killing you here, it’s better to go die in the desert.”

***

Mercedez is making that calculation now.She’s a curly-haired 19-year-old, almost feline in her skittishness—when two men’s silhouettes pass by a window, she visibly flinches. She gave birth to a baby girl so recently that when she curls into herself, she still cradles her soft, expanded belly. Mercedez (also a pseudonym) grew up in and around Tegucigalpa in a series of state-run homes for children whose parents died or could no longer care for them, moving from shelter to shelter until she was 18 and found herself abruptly on her own.

When she was volunteering at a nursery, she told me, she began dating one of the security guards, a 22-year-old she eventually learned was a drug dealer and a gang member. As retribution for who knows what, one night he tied her up, gagged her, and he and his friends tortured her in a small house in a dodgy neighborhood. Later that night, the house’s cleaning lady left the door ajar, and Mercedez made her escape. She ran to the police station and begged for a ride to the bus depot; the officer who promised to drive her, she says, took her on his personal motorcycle to an empty plot of land instead, where he raped her. She says he drove her back to the main road, threw 200lempiras(about $8) at her and took off. It took her hours to get back home to Tegucigalpa. On the way, a drunk man tried to kiss her, and then followed her when she got off the bus. When she crossed the street to sit and wait for her transfer, another group of men started heckling her, asking her the price for sex.

Mercedez says she cried when she read the positive pregnancy test. “What was I going to do with a baby?” she says. “I didn’t have any experience.” She would have taken emergency contraception immediately after the rape, she said, but didn’t know how to get it. She wanted to have an abortion, but knew it was illegal and didn’t pursue one. She initially tried her own way. “At first I didn’t eat, and I didn’t take medicine, because I didn’t want her,” Mercedez says. “I still think the same way I did before. I’m not ready. I don’t know how to do this. … I don’t have a way to support her.” Still, she wants the best for her baby, and as a result, has considered leaving the country—but she’s an orphaned teenage mom, and so she’s not sure how to do that, either.

The reasons people migrate are complex. For Honduran women, economic instability and physical insecurity are intertwined, and both are exacerbated by the patriarchal norms of society here and women’s lack of political power. Only about half of Honduran women work outside the home. When women do work, they make about half what their male colleagues do. Since men can and do “leave whenever they want,” Siliezar says, women might be left “with three or four children without the possibility of supporting themselves.”

For women who are lucky, a new boyfriend can bring love, affection and support; for women who aren’t, he can be a new source of power and control over the family’s finances and physical safety. Some of the worst scenarios, Siliezar says, are also troublingly common: abusive men who control women and violate their daughters.

“When [a girl] finally gets pregnant at 10 or 11, because it’s the first time she gets her period, she has lost all faith in the future,” she says. “When she goes to ask for help or to the hospital, the law says she has to go with her mom. And that mom is the one who has been quiet about what this girl has gone through her entire life.” There is then a rush to blame the mother—a woman who, Siliezar says, often has her own story to tell.

Four hours by car from Siliezar’soffice in La Ceiba and just outside of the big city of San Pedro Sula is Choloma, which just may be the most dangerous city in one of the world’s most dangerous nations.

Here, in a small house where chickens roam the yard, lives Ricsy (not her real name), at 19 the youngest of her mother’s six children, and one of four still alive. She’s not sure how old she was when her big sister, who was beautiful and tall and had long hair, was found dead among the sugar cane, but Ricsy thinks she was about 4-feet tall when she saw her sister’s body, pants pulled down, on TV. She’s also not sure how old she was when her stepfather began raping her. “I remember he got there when I was 5, and then I turned 8, I turned 9, 10, 11, 13. I was 13, and then I had the baby,” she says.

She told her mom about the abuse, and said she would commit suicide if it continued, but her mom didn’t believe her. It was only after Ricsy became pregnant with her son that her mother took her claims seriously, yet the stepfather stayed in the house for two more years. He would beat up her mother, too. Ricsy isn’t sure what he did for work, but she knows he used drugs, and “when he didn’t have any money for his vices, then he would go out and hurt people.”

Abortion wasn’t an option. Legally it was off the table, and Ricsy grew up hearing it was wrong. “I went to church, and the pastor had said if we had an abortion, it’s like we are killing someone,” Ricsy says.

When Ricsy was 15, her stepfather was murdered. That brought relief, but not resolution. When she looks at her now 6-year-old son, Ricsy says, “I just remember everything that I have gone through.”

A few months ago, Ricsy told me, she was raped by a stranger on her way from work at a shopping mall just a few blocks from her home, grabbed as she passed her son’s elementary school. Her boy keeps asking why she doesn’t walk him to school as much as she used to, and why she cries when they pass the building. She doesn’t have an answer. She goes to church for solace, and the pastor knows something is wrong. He is the only person, Ricsy says, “who asked me why I am not the same happy person I used to be.” She tells him she’s just busy because, she says, “I feel ashamed.” Besides, she can guess what he’ll say: “‘Let’s pray for that person so God may put his hand on him,’” Ricsy says. She isn’t sure she has it in her to pray for the man who raped her.

For now, she gets through the days with her son and her 3-year-old daughter. On the days she feels strong enough to take her son to school, “We hold hands, and we sing worship songs,” she says. On one of their walks, “He asked me, ‘Did you pray today?’ And I said yes. And I asked him, ‘Did you pray today?’ And he said yes. He said, ‘I prayed for all the sadness to leave your heart.’”

Ricsy isn’t sure that she will ever escape this sadness, so deep that she sometimes finds herself curled in a ball underneath her son’s bed. But she may escape Honduras. In her 19 years, Ricsy hasn’t been safe at home, and she hasn’t been safe on the street; she can’t walk through the market without a sense of hypervigilance, like someone is following her. Ricsy, who had asthma, was a sick kid, which meant she was forced to drop out of school at 7, and now as an adult she cannot read or write. She’s poor, and so leaving for the United States would mean walking, and that brings its own perils. But she’s seen the caravans and is increasingly thinking about joining one, imagining how good it would feel to send some money back for her kids, to be able to say “yes” when her son asks for a new schoolbook or soccer cleats. Whatever hazards lurk along the way feel less daunting than life in Choloma. “My mom said the journey was very dangerous,” Ricsy says. “And I told her, ‘I know, Mom, but I can no longer continue to live here.’”

A great number of Honduran girls have been, like Sofia and Ricsy, raped and impregnated as children. More than 20,000 Honduran girls age 18 and under gave birth in the country’s national hospitals in 2017, according to Centro de Derechos de Mujeres, a women’s rights group, giving Honduras the second-highest adolescent birth rate in Latin America. Of these 20,000 girls, 819 of them were 14 or younger. Twenty-five were just 10. Under the Honduran penal code, all sex with girls under the age of 14 is rape; a 2014 study found that nearly 80 percent of Honduran adolescent girls in relationships were physically, psychologically or sexually abused by their partners.

Telling women and girls that they cannot prevent pregnancies with emergency contraception, then barring their access to safe abortion, can compound the trauma of rape, says Amber Assaf, a psychologist with Médecins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders) in Choloma. Assaf sees sexual violence survivors in her practice regularly, and says that women who have been sexually violated need to return to feeling like they’re in control of their bodies in order to heal. Women and girls who are raped and then refused the choice to prevent or end pregnancies feel “that they have lack of control of their own lives,” Assaf says. “They end up feeling that that is normal, as they do with the other kinds of violence they suffer.”

Siliezar observes that control over women’s reproductive lives extends from the state to the household. Many men in Honduras, she says, “cannot tolerate that a woman is not going to have a baby.” Siliezar works with victims of violence, and often hears that men fly into a rage if they find out their female partners are using contraception. Sometimes, the women are beaten. One woman Siliezar met tried to take a break from more than a decade of childbearing by using birth control pills. When her husband found them, Siliezar says, he forced her—his wife and a mother of six—to drink the pills with toilet water.

The United Nations and other human rights groups called on Honduras to change its abortion law in 2017 to allow the procedure in the cases of rape and incest, or where the pregnancy posed a threat to the pregnant woman’s life or health. But the Catholic and Evangelical churches rallied against even a minor liberalization of the abortion law, lobbying legislators and bringing their political influence to bear. In the end, the religious groups won—abortion stayed illegal and criminal.

Recently, the government did update the nation’s penal code: Later this year, Honduras is expected todecreasethe penalty for violence against women, to between one and four years in jail, according to local news reports. The Honduran government has spent decades making it difficult for women to assert control over their own bodies, even after they survive violence. Now, that same government is poised to make it easier for perpetrators of violence to walk free.

***

If you’re a woman in Honduraswho wants to leave all of this for America, there are two ways to do it: You can go through formal means and wait, perhaps for decades, to see whether someone says “come in,” or you can try to cross the border without documentation.

For Honduran women who are victims of violence and are seeking asylum, both these routes are highly uncertain. Asylumprotections have long extended to those who flee their countries because of a well-founded fear of persecution based on their race, religion, nationality, political opinion or membership in a particular social group; domestic violence survivors have been found to be a particular social group, and have been granted asylum on that basis. A year ago, Attorney General Jeff Sessions tried to make it harder for victims of domestic and gang violence to get asylum; while he succeeded in giving judges less leeway and making these claims more time-consuming to obtain, women who survive domestic violence can still apply for asylum in the United States.

But even if a Honduran woman meets the requirements of asylum, there is no “asylum-seeker” visa she can apply for from Honduras to enter the United States; she must have left her country first before applying. This is one reason so many people from the Northern Triangle are caravaning to Mexico and trying to get across the U.S. border. From 2012 to 2017, the number of asylum applications filed by citizens of Guatemala, El Salvador and Honduras in the United States rose nearly 800 percent, from just over 3,500 in 2012 to more than 31,000 in 2017. According to researchers at Syracuse University, the percentage of asylum applications denied by U.S. immigration courts has been on the rise since 2012—hitting 65 percent in 2018. That year, immigration judges granted only 21 percent of asylum cases from Hondurans.

Facing these obstacles, some women, like Heydi Garcia Giron, 34, wait. Heydi has never left her hometown of Tegucigalpa, let alone Honduras, but she knows she needs to go. The scar across her shoulder, extending across her neck, is a daily reminder. Heydi has what you might call “presence” if she were a politician or an actress; she draws your gaze, holds your attention. When she says, “I am a warrior,” you believe her.

Heydi was orphaned at 6 when her mother died during pregnancy, and her father, a drug dealer, was in jail. Before that, when she was an even younger girl, Heydi was raped by her father’s best friend, she told me. After that, when she was in boarding school, she was sexually abused by her own best friend’s father. Heydi had a son with a man she spent nine years with, and then a daughter with a man she was with for another nine years. She almost had another baby, but her daughter’s fatherbeat her so badly during the pregnancy that she miscarried. He’s the man who finally tried to kill her, attacking her with a machetelast fall. He cut the nerves in her arm, and so she still struggles to use it. He nearly severed her jugular.

It happened on the day after her birthday, and he was angry she had met up with a friend. “Do you think that you own yourself?” Heydi says he yelled at her before he grabbed the machete. “I am going to show you how to respect men.” As he brought the machete down on Heydi’s neck, their 5-year-old daughter threw herself at his feet, begging him to stop. He paused to comfort her and pet her head, telling her it was over. That’s when Heydi, one hand holding her throat closed, dragged herself away and ran. At the hospital, Heydi says a doctor told her, “If you believe in God, start praying, because I do not think you are going to make it.” She thought about her children, and “at that moment, my world just fell.”

But Heydi did make it. When she woke up in a hospital room, a doctor asked her some basic questions to check her consciousness, and then told her not to talk so her throat could heal. “I just told him, ‘God gives his hardest battles to the toughest soldiers,’” Heydi recalls.

By the time the anesthesia wore off, “everything hurt, even my hair hurt,” she says. Her heart hurt, too. Her daughter was having nightmares, waking up screaming, “Dad, don’t kill my mom.” A mysterious woman showed up in Heydi’s hospital room, and said she was sent by Heydi’s now-ex to check up on her. “I was scared,” Heydi said. “If he could send someone to the hospital to see how I was doing, he could send someone else to kill me.” She filed a police report, and the case against her husband is moving forward. But there’s no guaranteeing the outcome or his sentence—or that members of his family or friend network won’t make Heydi pay.

And so Heydi, like others, wants to seek asylum in the United States.

“We are seeing a mass migration from Honduras from women who are fleeing everything from domestic violence to violence by gang members, and often there’s overlap between the two,” says Lori Adams, director at the Immigration Intervention Project at Sanctuary for Families, a U.S. organization that works with victims of gender-based violence, including on asylum claims. “Women are leaving with no other option but to flee north, even knowing that the journey itself might be life-threatening, but knowing it’s a near certainty that they will be killed if they remain.”

Heydi gathered all the evidence and paperwork, but she says when she went to the U.S. Embassy in Tegucigalpa, officials referred her to a U.S. government call center, which just referred her to a website. A friend at the embassy also told her to try the Mexican Embassy and request asylum there. But Mexico, she says, is just as dangerous. If she could stay in Honduras, she would. But “violence here in Honduras is unbearable,” she says. “It is my country. I love it and it hurts, but it is the truth.” (The U.S. Embassy in Tegucigalpa did not respond to a request for comment.)

Heydi has heard about the caravans and those who walk or take boats across the border, but she has also heard it’s dangerous and isn’t willing to put her children through that risk. And so, she waits. “My life was gray,” Heydi says. “I don’t want my children’s lives to be gray. I want to break that chain and see the light.”

In mid-April, I watched a group of a migrants depart from the San Pedro Sula bus station just as the dawn light broke through the gray morning. Those with money for a bus ticket had left the night before, extending fistfuls of cash for a place on one of several overcrowded coaches that would take them to the border. Those who couldn’t pay arrived at the station in a steady stream, gathering through the night as they waited for an appointed leader to say it was time to go. Napping men pulled their baseball caps down over their eyes. Women fedbabies in a state of half-sleep, while family members lolled in the nearby grass, counting down the minutes until they had to wish their loved ones farewell. When the caravan of several hundred Hondurans from across the country set out on foot, young mothers walked with hips jutting sideways from the weight of sleep-heavy children. Women took hold of tiny hands when it was time for the group to cross the highway. Some pushed baby carriages draped with blankets.

Three months earlier, Marlin Alcantar Lobo, 32, had been one of those women. She was also seeking a new home in the United States, but she did what Heydi wouldn’t: She took her children and her partner, and they walked with the caravan that left San Pedro Sula on January 15. The choice, Marlin says, was made for her when her 9-year-old daughter was raped. She only found out when a doctor’s exam for an unrelated health issue discovered a perianal wart, a sexually transmitted infection that the girl would need removed. The rapist was Marlin’s mother’s boyfriend, she said.

Marlin and her family stayed for the criminal trial, even while her own mother turned on her. “She says I’m a bitch and that my daughter is a prostitute,” Marlin says. “My mom said she was going to give my address to his siblings so they can go after me and kill me.” He was sentenced to 11 years in prison, but there’s no assurance he will serve the whole term. And his family continues to threaten Marlin, saying “that I was going to pay for what I had done to their brother,” as she puts it. She especially worries because she knows they own guns.

“Shortly after he pled guilty, I heard about the caravans. I couldn’t take it anymore,” Marlin says. “It was pain after pain, it was tears after tears, and I could no longer bear having that life.”

They walked for days through the rain and the cold; sometimes they hitchhiked. Border guards in Mexico tear-gassed them, leaving the children sobbing. “They cried and just kept calling, ‘Mom, Mom,’ and I just asked for forgiveness and also asked God for forgiveness for putting them through this ordeal,” Marlin says. In Mexico, they got bare-bones legal advice from volunteer lawyers; they were also put in jail for a night before making their way farther north. “I never felt safe,” Marlin says.

Marlin is currently in Mexico with her children, all their names on a waitlist for asylum in the United States. It’s hard to fill the days when you’re waiting for your life to begin, but it could be worse. Her daughter smiles again now. If they can just make it over that border, maybe her daughter will be safe; maybe she’ll have opportunities. Maybe her son will see there are different ways for men to be. Maybe, Marlin says, they will have the choice to become whoever they want.

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The Best and Worst of the Golden Globes

Oprah Winfrey accepting her Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award.CreditPaul Drinkwater/NBC, via Associated Press

The Golden Globes on Sunday night were the first major awards ceremony to be held since the sexual harassment accusations against Harvey Weinstein were revealed. You could almost draw a direct line from #MeToo and Time’s Up (the anti-harassment initiative sponsored by powerful Hollywood women) to many of the evening’s most memorable moments — like Oprah Winfrey’s acceptance speech and Natalie Portman’s presenting of best director. Here’s a look at those and other highs and lows of the night:

The Most Electrifying Speech (and Reaction)

All hail Queen Oprah. Her acceptance speech for the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award brought the house down and then some, not just as the most rousing speech of the night (among many calls to arms) but also as the instantly iconic address of the Time’s Up and #MeToo movements.

Few if any people blend the personal and political as well as Ms. Winfrey, and she wove together stories of her childhood, watching Sidney Poitier win an Oscar in 1964 while her mother, “bone-tired from cleaning other people’s houses,” watched. She traced her own career rise, and praised journalists for unearthing stories of corruption and abuse.

“What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have,” Ms. Winfrey said, as she settled into a preacher’s rousing cadence. She recounted the story of Recy Taylor, a black woman who was raped in 1944 and whose white assailants were never charged. “For too long, women have not been heard or believed if they dared to speak their truth to the power of those men,” Ms. Winfrey said. She paused, just for a moment. “But their time is up.” The audience broke into applause. “Their time is up!” The audience rose to its feet. “Their time is up!”

But that wasn’t the end of the speech. Ms. Winfrey closed by proclaiming that “a new day is on the horizon,” and envisioning “a time when nobody ever has to say, ‘Me too,’ again.” She delivered those lines over rapturous cheers and applause. Imagine if every awards ceremony had a speech like this. — Margaret Lyons

Read the full transcript of Oprah Winfrey’s speech.

The Worst Red-Carpet Interviewers

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Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. CreditMike Nelson/European Pressphoto Agency

Even before the Globes began, an acting challenge of sorts was on display: watching Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic do their part for #WhyWeWearBlack and try to pivot from clothes to crises during their “E! Live from the Red Carpet” show.

Continue reading the main story

Ms. Rancic and Mr. Seacrest had pledged to not ask their guests who they were wearing, but rather why they were wearing black. It sounded like a promising approach, though it was undermined, somewhat, by the continued presence of the E! Glambot, a gadget that creates a wholly unnecessary slo-mo 360-degree view of outfits, and that could really have done with a new name, if the network had actually been thinking things through.

The piercing replacement questions Mr. Seacrest and Ms. Rancic came up also didn’t really advance the cause. Samples: “What were your New Year’s resolutions?” (Mr. Seacrest to Neil Patrick Harris.) “What are some strange secret talents you have?” (Ms. Rancic to the cast of “Stranger Things.”)

And while the hosts dutifully tried to discuss the issues, they didn’t seem to really know what to do with the answers from the boldface names. Especially when stars like Debra Messing and Eva Longoria both called out E! itself, siding with Catt Sadler, who quit her E! hosting job a few weeks ago because, she said, her male co-star was being paid nearly double her salary. Neither Ms. Rancic nor Mr. Seacrest wanted to go near that one. — Vanessa Friedman

Read a review of the E! preshow.

The Host With the Most Thankless Job

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Seth Meyers onstage at the Golden Globes. CreditPaul Drinkwater/NBC, via Associated Press

Seth Meyers pulled off one of the trickiest feats in awards show memory: an opening monologue that was not too glib but not too preachy, funny but not out of touch, self-effacing without veering into humble-braggy. Not every single line worked — sorry, joke about “Get Out” said to Daniel Kaluuya — but let’s call 90 percent an A.

— Margaret Lyons

Read a review of the telecast and the full transcript of the opening monologue.

The Sharpest One-Liner of the Night

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Natalie Portman with her fellow presenter Ron Howard. CreditPaul Drinkwater/NBC, via Getty Images

Natalie Portman adding “all male” while announcing the best director nominees was the most succinct and among the most cutting criticisms of the entertainment industry. You don’t have to be Oprah to get in the ring. — Margaret Lyons

The Quickest Reaction to the Sharpest One-Liner

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Kerry Washington and Eva Longoria on the red carpet.CreditValerie Macon/Agence France-Presse — Getty Images; Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

Many of the actresses at the ceremony had signed on to the Time’s Up initiative, and their unity was most evident in a moment the cameras didn’t catch. It was just after Natalie Portman announced “the all-male nominees” for best director. In the audience, Kerry Washington, the “Scandal” star, pumped her arms and gave a high-five to Eva Longoria, sitting next to her. I asked Ms. Longoria how she was feeling Sunday night, and she said, “Amazing — so proud.” — Cara Buckley

Read more about Time’s Up.

The Least Said (by Men Who Didn’t Speak Up)

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Joseph Fiennes, like many men at the ceremony, sported the Time’s Up logo. But few men spoke out about the initiative or about sexual harassment. CreditDamon Winter/The New York Times

Women had plenty to say about harassment and their struggle for gender equality, but men were mostly silent. Seth Meyers was a notable exception, acknowledging that a white man may not have been the ideal host for the moment but filling his monologue with enough self-deprecation and righteous barbs to ease any concerns. Otherwise, men almost entirely clammed up on the subject, with the loudest statements they made coming in the form of fashionable pins. For those watching at home, it was easy to think: Yet again, the women carry the burden. — Daniel Victor

The Best Speech (Non-#MeToo Category)

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Sterling K. Brown accepting the Golden Globe for best actor in a TV drama. CreditPaul Drinkwater/NBC

Sterling K. Brown, a star of “This Is Us,” gives wonderful acceptance speeches, and if his recent winning streak is any indication, we have more to look forward to. “Throughout the majority of my career I’ve benefited from colorblind casting,” said Mr. Brown, the first African-American to win a Golden Globe for best actor in a TV drama. Then, addressing the creator of his show, he said, “Dan Fogelman, you wrote a role for a black man. That could only be played by a black man. And so what I appreciate so much about this thing is that I am being seen for who I am and being appreciated for who I am. And that makes it that much more difficult to dismiss me, or dismiss anybody who looks like me.” — Margaret Lyons

Read the full transcript of Sterling K. Brown’s speech.

The Sweetest-Sounding Presenters

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Kelly Clarkson and Keith Urban, presenting best original song. CreditPaul Drinkwater/NBC, via Getty Images

Kelly Clarkson and Keith Urban singing “and the Golden Globe goes to” in harmony? Cute! Just a cute little thing to do. — Margaret Lyons

The Unlikeliest Appearance on an Awards Show Stage

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Tommy Wiseau, left, James Franco and Dave Franco, with the Golden Globe Ambassador, Simone Garcia Johnson, behind them. CreditPaul Drinkwater/NBC

A best actor win stemming from one of the worst American movies? At the Golden Globes, anything is possible. James Franco picked up best actor in a musical or comedy for his performance in “The Disaster Artist,” playing Tommy Wiseau, the director of the very bad, very cult film “The Room.” But it was Mr. Wiseau who stole the show (or at least tried to). Mr. Franco invited the director to the stage with him. Mr. Wiseau went in for a hug, then went straight for the mic, but he was quickly pushed aside by the actor. It may be as much of the awards spotlight as Mr. Wiseau is likely to see. — Mekado Murphy

(C)