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fancoloredglasses · 4 years ago

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Army of Darkness (who knew the last film of a series could be the greatest?)

[All images owned by Universal and Renaissance Pictures. Still too broke to sue]

OK, bit of a background first...

In 1981, then-unknown director/producer Sam Raimi made a horror film on what would now be a shoestring budget ($90K) that starred his childhood friend, a then-unknown Bruce Campbell...

(Thanks to Wikipedia)

The film opened to largely positive reviews (kind of a novelty in horror films at the time) It featured some graphic scenes, (and at least one disturbing one involving one of the women getting raped by a tree) but what Raimi didn’t count on was that many viewers found it funny.

in 1987, Raimi and Campbell teamed up again for a sequel (of sorts)

(Thanks again to Wikipedia)

The movie was more-or-less a re-imagining of The Evil Dead that removed all the characters from the first film except Campbell’s character Ash (no last name was ever given, but every write-up I’ve seen says it's Williams) and his girlfriend Linda. In this case, Raimi doubled down on the comedy while still maintaining the creepy atmosphere of the first. It should be noted (because it will be important) the evil in the film somehow possessed Ash’s hand, so he removed it with a chainsaw (that he later modified to attach to his stump)

Then, in 1993...

(Thanks to Amazon)

(Bruce Campbell vs.) Army of Darkness (it is kinda weird that they used the actor’s name instead of the character’s) threw the majority of the horror out the window in favor of comedy (at times slapstick, especially when dealing with the zombies Deadites) It ranks up there with Die Hard, The Princess Bride, and Monty Python & the Holy Grail in terms of memorable quotes (I’ll be sure to point them out as they come up. I guarantee you’ll know at least one, even if you don’t know the reference)

And it’s these character moments (both in the comedy and the quotability) where Campbell shines. He is pretty much an asshole everyman thrust in over his head. Thanks to this film we have been...err, “graced” with such B-movie (and B-TV) classics as Bubba Ho-Tep and The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. And who can forget his cameos in Raimi’s Spider-Man films?

Anyway, enough gushing about Bruce Campbell, on to the schlock-fest!

The movie more-or-less begins where Evil Dead 2 ends, with Ash and his car being sucked into the very vortex that he helped open to banish the Deadites from the cabin and sent back in time...

...and into the end of a battle between two factions, with Ash being mistaken as a member of the losing side (led by Henry the Red), despite the fact that he’s not dressed anything like them and a wise man advising the winning lord (named Arthur) that Ash may be a prophesied hero destined to defeat the Deadites (if that’s the case, they’re in trouble...) Ash and the remnants of Henry’s forces are dragged to Arthur’s castle where they are to be dropped into a pit with a captured Deadite within (so they’re trying to destroy the Deadites but they keep one as a pet?)

The first of Henry’s men is dropped in...

...and if the spray of blood is any indication, he would’ve likely died of high blood pressure soon if he wasn’t zombie chow already.

Eventually, Ash was dropped in. What follows is a surprisingly even fight until the wise man (for some reason) tosses his modified chainsaw into the pit. Somehow it lands perfectly on Ash’s stump and he makes short work of the Deadite. He then climbs out of the pit...

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(Thanks to M. Enois Duarte)

OK, so a few notes on that clip...

1. That monologue is the first of the very quotable lines

2. Ash’s holster was empty when he got out of the pit. Where the hell did the boomstick come from?

3. How does a double-barreled shotgun fire 3 slugs without reloading?

After handling two Deadites with relative ease, Arthur realizes that the wise man may be right about Ash being the prophesied one (yep, they’re in trouble)

A bit later (after a change of clothes and at least a couple of baths), the wise man explains that the way to get home is described in the Necronomicon, which they also need to defeat the Deadites. He further explains that only the prophesied one can retrieve it. After seeing one of the castle’s servants transformed into a Deadite before them, (and defeating her after another quotable line: “Yo, she-bitch...Let’s go”) Ash reluctantly agrees, but recruits the castle blacksmith to help him build a new hand first.

(“Groovy”)

While preparing, one of the castle’s maidens, Sheila, falls for Ash and gives him a night to remember (”Give me some sugar, baby”) before he sets out the next morning.

You can tell Ash is the hero of the story, as he’s the only one on a white horse (and for some reason they didn’t bother giving him any armor)

The wise man gives Ash detailed instructions on where to find the book and the exact words he needs to recite to render the book’s power inert: “Klaatu Verada Nikto” You know, if they know exactly how to get the Necronomicon, why the hell do they need Ash?

Some time later, as Ash head to the cemetery where the book is waiting, something spooks his horse. Something...evil (it should be noted that, in three movies, you never see exactly what the evil presence looks like, but it’s enough to scare the hell out of anyone who sees it) It chases Ash to an old windmill where Ash camps out for the night.

During the night, Ash sees his face in a mirror. He suddenly remembers that his reflection came to life and mocked him in Evil Dead 2, so he smashed it. Thinking that was the end of it, he went back to his dinner. However...

...the mini-Ashes in the shards come to life, leave the shards, and attack Ash. He winds up slipping and falling on his head, knocking himself out. He eventually wakes up to find himself tied down. The mini-Ashes force his mouth open while one of their number jumps down his throat. This is somehow enough of an adrenaline rush to allow Ash to break free. He then sets about dealing with his unwanted dinner...

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(Thanks to Fandango)

It’s never said what happened to the other mini-Ashes...or how “Bad Ash” has two good hands despite appearing on Ash’s right side (the side that has the prosthetic) and yet Ash is still nicknamed “Stumpy”

And yes, we have at least one more quotable line in that clip.

Ash straps Bad Ash to a table and uses his chainsaw to carve him up like a Thanksgiving turkey. He then buries the pieces (but not before Bad Ash mocks him a couple of more times) before continuing on his way.

Upon reaching the graveyard, he encounters a bit of a problem...

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(Thanks again to Fandango)

And so, having cleverly deduced which is the true Necronomicon, Ash has merely to recite...the...what are those words again? Ash can’t remember the third word! I mean, he knows it begins with an N...

(Thanks to gfycat)

“Klaatu Verada N-KOFFKOFF!”

Close enough, right?

HELL NO!

Evil can’t take a joke and the graveyard comes to life (so to speak) Ash attempts to leave with the Necronomicon, but is tripped by skeletal hands and becomes the punchline of an undead Three Stooges routine...

(Thanks again to gfycat)

What’s more, Bad Ash reforms into a zombie badass...

(A face only a mother could love...)

Upon Ash’s return, the wise man forces Ash to admit he done fucked up, informing Ash that since the words didn’t bind the book’s power they couldn’t use it to defeat the Deadites (but all Ash cares about is that it can still send him home) Once Arthur’s people realize Ash won’t help them they pretty much turn their backs on him, until...

...a flying Deadite takes Sheila!

Suddenly, Ash grows a spine and vows to keep the army of the dead from coming to take the Necronomicon, including sending a message to Henry the Red to help. Arthur and his men agree to make their stand and preparations start.

But he’s not the only Ash making preparations...

Using special effects worthy of a bad Hercules movie, Bad Ash is digging up an army of skeletons and zombies to take the Necronomicon from Arthur. Then the flying Deadite shows up with a special delivery...

“Give me some sugar, baby!”

Let’s leave the two lovebirds for now and go back to Arthur’s castle, where Ash is single-handedly getting Arthur’s men out of the 14th century. First he and the blacksmith convert Ash’s Oldsmobile into a death machine. Then he teaches the wise man how to make gunpowder using a college chemistry text. Finally, he teaches basic tactics to a group of experienced soldiers. There is so much absurdity I could comment on here...

Eventually, Bad Ash is ready to attack, with his new bride by his side...

“I may be bad...but I feel...good!”

...and the army advances on the castle (with more bad special effects). Ash realizes just how badly outnumbered they are, but (somehow) puts on a brave front for the men.

Inevitably, the Deadites advance, but a volley of arrows loaded with gunpowder make short work of them, as well as flaming catapult loads...

Eventually (if nothing else due to sheer numbers) enough Deadites get through and lay a bridge across the moat so they could ram the drawbridge (why was the portcullis still up?) and are met with resistance within, though not enough to stop them. All seems lost until...

...Ash reveals his Death Wagon. Ash mows down dozens of Deadites until...

Sheila appears like a vision before him. He quickly wrecks the car to avoid hitting her. That’s when she revers back to the Queen of the Deadites and attacks Ash! Bad Ash then appears on the scene as Arthur is single-handedly defending the staircase to where the Necronomicon is held. All seems lost!

Then Henry the Red comes over the horizon and enters the fray! Unfortunately...

...Bad Ash has gotten past Arthur and is approaching the book. Ash manages to get there beforehand, so Bad Ash sends his men after him and Ash is somehow able to deal with them all (probably because they learned from the Hong Kong School of Mookdom that states only one mook can attack the hero at a time) Then it’s more-or-less down to Ash vs. Bad Ash. Then...

“You found me beautiful once...”

“Honey, you got real ugly!”

Sheila lines Ash up against the rampart and charges, but Ash manages to toss her over. Now back to Bad Ash. Ash manages to throw a spear through Bad Ash’s chest, but all it does is distract him from the book and make him angry. Ash realizes he’s out of his depth and runs, Bad Ash giving chase (at least he doesn’t have the book yet...)

The pair sword fight across the castle, but Ash is eventually disarmed (in that he lost his sword, not that he once again needs to be nicknamed Stumpy) Ash grabs a nearby torch and...

Unfortunately...

...once again all it does is piss him off.

“I’ve got a bone to pick with you!”

And now it’s Ash’s turn to fight the bad special effects, as Bad Ash is reduced to a skeleton. Bad Ash throws Ash off the wall, but somehow he’s fine, landing near a catapult full of gunpowder load (and the fuse was lit by Ash’s torch)

Meanwhile, Bad Ash has obtained the Necronomicon and jumps down to gloat (three guesses what he lands on) Ash cuts Bad Ash’s hand off (and getting the book back) and launches the catapult, ensuring bad Ash goes out with a bang.

This is enough for the army (despite still outnumbering the mortals) to retreat. In the aftermath, two things happen. First, Sheila reverts to human (good thing she was a zombie when she went over the wall or she’d be dead), and second...

...Arthur and Henry make peace.

Ash is given a potion and is given a certain trio of words to recite as he drinks it to return to his own time.

We then fade to S-Mart, where Ash is finishing telling fellow employees (played by Sam Raini’s brother Ted) his tale.

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(Thanks again to Fandango)

Thus ends the tale (until the Showtime series Ash vs. Evil Dead) However, that wasn’t the way it was supposed to end...

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(Thanks to kruegerfan96)

Let me know which ending you prefer.

“Hail to the king, baby!”

#evil dead #army of darkness #bruce campbell #sam raimi #necronomicon #this is my BOOMSTICK!#klaatu varada nikto #hail to the king #Fan Colored Glasses

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metalandmagi · 6 years ago

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January Media Madness

It’s a new year, and yes I’m still keeping track of the stuff I watch and/or read. I really just like being able to keep track of everything that came out during the year, and I like to shout my thoughts into the void. And maybe someone will find something they like.

Movies!

The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals: Okay, not a movie, but it’s the latest musical from Starkid so I had to include it somewhere. And this time it’s a horror alien/zombie take over that causes everyone to act like they’re in a musical, and humanity’s only hope is an average guy who happens to not like musicals. That may not sound bad, BUT THINK OF THE IMPLICATIONS! The plot could sort of meander at times, but it’s hilarious and also pretty dark for Starkid. If nothing else, watch it because Lauren Lopez is a goddess. 9/10

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: Everyone’s favorite silly King Arthur searching for the holy grail story. I hadn’t watched this movie since I was a kid, and there was so much stuff I forgot about! And yeah it’s still pretty great. I do feel like it drags in the middle a little, but I still always enjoy the tomfoolery! 9/10

Three Identical Strangers: A documentary about a set of identical triplets who were separated at birth and the sinister intentions of the adoption agency who separated them. On top of being an interesting story, it is super thought provoking bringing up questions of scientific morality, nature vs nurture, and mental health...which does make it a little depressing. I love the way it sets up the mystery of the story, but it also makes you feel terrible for trying to plot out and guess the story of these actual human beings’ lives. So I’d recommend it to anyone who is interested in crazy stories and scientific corruption! 9/10

Venom: A classic tale of a boy and his symbiote. In which the weirdest investigative reporter in the world is possessed by an alien parasite while trying to stop a corrupt corporation from constantly murdering people. Guys, I originally never planned to see this movie. I never cared about Venom. I was never big into the Spiderman universe, but then this movie came out and everyone was saying how weird it was...and how Eddie and Venom are like a thing...so curiosity got the better of me. And I’m kind of underwhelmed. I think I would have liked it more if I never had any expectations going into it, because it really wasn’t as weird as I thought it would be. The first 30 minutes were a slog, the dialogue was clunky, the plot was very predictable and basic, and I feel like Eddie and Venom didn’t have enough interaction. But it had its moments, I get why some people love it, and I did like what I saw of the symbiote relationship, so all in all it was just..okay. Oh well. 6.5/10

Mama Mia Here We Go Again: The just as ridiculous sequel to Mama Mia, featuring more dumb plots that don’t fit together, more dumb writing, and more over the top performances. Just like the first one, it’s a silly excuse to put some ABBA songs in a movie and make you have fun, and it accomplishes that in spades. Because if you’re watching a Mama Mia movie for the “plot” or anything other than the musical numbers and silliness, you’re making a huge mistake. It is a little clunkier trying to weave two timelines together, but who cares because they’re singing Dancing Queen! As an actual movie, we all know it’s barely passable as a 6/10 but just for getting drunk with your friends and having fun it’s a 9/10

Books!

The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis: The fifth/third book in the Chronicles of Narnia in which a boy and a talking horse run away from the land of Calormen to get to Narnia...and find out about a plot to take over Narnia along the way. I know some people think this is the most interesting book in the series plot wise, and technically there is more plot...but it’s boring as hell. I really think Lewis’s normal interjections would have made it more entertaining, but he doesn’t use his author’s voice at all! Not only is it written in an incredibly circular and drawn out way (some people literally tell stories like they’re writing the bible), but it’s also SUPER RACIST and kind of sexist too. I was so excited because when the book first started I thought we were getting a canonical protagonist of color...and then he turns out to be a kidnapped white boy surrounded by “savages.” Yes we have Aravis...but I really don’t know how to feel about her. Also Bree the horse is really just an asshole, so it’s hard to like any of the characters. I did appreciate having adult Edmund and Susan around though, so it’s not a total waste. The truth is, this is the book that I could barely get through as a kid and would constantly fall asleep reading so I barely remembered anything besides the fact that I didn’t like it. 3/10

Skyward by Brandon Sanderson: In a distant future, humans are trapped on a wasteland planet where their only hope for survival are teenagers flying spaceships while fighting a mysterious alien race. Aka: local girl is constantly dumped on by society and makes friends with a talking spaceship. Okay this book definitely has its problems, but I mostly don’t care because 1. The world building is great. 2. Spensa is a fun main character. 3. All the side characters have distinguishable personalities and interactions *cough* m-bot *cough*. And 4. The plot could be predictable at times but I really liked following the mystery of it all...even if there’s some weird chosen one type of bullshit going on towards the end. It has a major season one Attack on Titan vibe with all the questions about humanity’s history and mankind uniting to fight a mysterious enemy. This is a super fun read that kept me theorizing and was also incredibly motivational. Did I like all of Sanderson’s decisions when it came to which characters died? Hell no. Do I think the government would have a lot more backlash considering its dumbass way of fighting wars? Yes. But I’d still recommend it, and I’m still looking forward to the next book! 8/10

TV Shows!

Aggretsuko: The most adorable musical comedy anime of 2018, where Retsuko, a 25 year old office worker is getting fed up with her job and copes with life by singing aggressive death metal songs...and by the way everyone’s a cute animal. I’m a little late to this party, but this show is so precious and also disturbingly accurate to real life. Retsuko is so relatable, Haida’s crush on her is well executed and not forced, there’s great working women solidarity (Gori and Washimi are the fucking queens of anime side characters) and the metal is so well integrated! Please watch this charming show and the Christmas special if you haven’t already! I NEED ANOTHER SEASON NOW! 10/10

A Series of Unfortunate Events (season 3): The final season of the Baudelaires’ tale of misery and woe. And man did they stick the landing. “But it doesn’t leave things vague enough, they didn’t leave the sugar bowl a mystery.” GOOD! I’ve had to deal with Snicket’s badly written ending to the books since 2006. I love that they explained as much as they did. The ending was bittersweet and more concrete while still delivering the message of how the world is morally gray. Also Quigley was amazing, Sunny was amazing, FERNALD WAS AMAZING! KIT WAS AMAZING! EVERYONE WAS AMAZING! And I almost cried seeing the kids in their outfits from the book covers. I wish Jacqueline was in it, but I think her character would have felt redundant with Kit in the mix. This was an amazing adaption all around, and this season did a great job at putting some of the more...difficult books on screen without it feeling out of place. Even if you haven’t read the books, I encourage anyone who likes mysteries and different forms of storytelling to suffer with the rest of us! 10/10

The Disastrous Life of Saiki K (season 1): Local overpowered psychic anime boy just wants to be ignored and blend in with society, but the universe constantly surrounds him with silly situations that cause him to use his powers. I finally got around to watching this show, and it’s hilarious. Kusuo is a great deadpan main character who is definitely ace as hell, and the English dub is actually pretty good! I don’t really want to watch the show in Japanese now because I feel like the dub does a better job at timing the comedic lines and distinguishing everyone’s thoughts. So now I’m upset that the second season hasn’t been dubbed (thanks Netflix). But yeah it’s a great silly show to binge watch. 10/10

Community: The misadventures of a wacky study group going to the world’s worst community college. You know, the one with all the memes? Okay, I know I’m the last one to watch this and technically I still have a season and a half left at this point, but I thought I’d include it anyway. This show is such a wild ride that I don’t even know what to think about it anymore. The first two seasons were pretty average with a few absolutely brilliant episodes thrown in. And then...the paintball episodes happened, and the show just became amazing. I do have a lot of questions though....like if the main character is a lawyer (sort of), why does he never sue the dean for sexual harassment? Why does Pierce, the resident old, sexist, racist, problematic baby boomer have an “arc” centered around a logical fallacy. No one wants to hang out with him because he’s terrible, but he’s upset because he feels left out and constantly does terrible things to get back at them? I literally almost dropped the show because I couldn’t take him anymore, and then the writers just magically dial him back in his last seasons...which I’m thankful for. And I don’t even know where to being with Chang. BUT this show is a testament to creative writing and innovative meta ways to tell stories. The rest of the study group is made up of hilarious well balanced characters that all have their distinct broken but quirky personalities. And I love them all...except Pierce. So, even though I haven’t finished it, I’d give it an 8.5/10 so far.

Superstore: A sitcom about the daily struggles of workers in a W*lmart-esque superstore. I finally caught up to it, and it’s still fine. It’s not great, but not terrible either. It is incredibly accurate though, coming from someone who works retail. The best parts of the show are the scene transitions because they show all the things customers are doing in the store. And most of the time I just nod and go “yeah I’ve seen that.” This is one of those shows to have on for the sake of just having something on. It has its moments. 7/10

Honorable Mentions

Because these are the reasons why I didn’t really read much this month...or watch many movies.

YOUNG JUSTICE is officially back with the long awaited season 3. And it’s still pretty great, but man I wish I had rewatched the original series.

Netflix released the Taylor Swift Reputation stadium performance. So now you all know how much of a slut for Taylor Swift I am. I can’t help it if her latest album is basically Captive Prince the musical!

The Masked Singer (US version) is dragging me into a spiral of conspiracy theories. Please watch this ridiculous reality show where celebrities wear elaborate costumes and a super annoying judging panel tries to guess who they are. I’m in hell, because this show is set up terribly, but I also don’t want to leave.

Life is Strange 2: episode 2 was finally released. And I’m actually loving it. These games have a special place in my heart for some reason.

New Super Mario Bros U Deluxe came out and I hate myself for buying these stupid games because they consume all my time, and I don’t even really like them.

#yes i'm still doing this #long post #media madness #the guy who didn't like musicals #three identical strangers #monty python and the holy grail #a series of unfortunate events #venom #mama mia #the chronicles of narnia #the horse and his boy #skyward #aggretsuko #the disastrous life of saiki k.#community #superstore

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poetryasf-ck · 6 years ago

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Good Grief #4 - Lloyd Robinson

Lloyd Robinson has almost twenty years of performance experience as an actor, poet, and musician. He is one of the few performers holding the title ‘Bad Boy Of Spoken Word’, is a multiple slam winner, the reigning Axis slam champion, and qualified for the Scottish National Slam Championship the last three years running.

Lloyd is the host and co-organiser of Edinburgh’s most exciting new-material poetry night, ‘The God Damn Debut Slam’ in the Scottish Poetry Library. He has been featured at many of Scotland’s more popular spoken word events, in particular Hidden Door Festival and StAnza literary festival. He has also independently released an album of spoken word and music, ‘Reclaimed Memories’, has a degree in Creative Writing & Drama, and a diploma in psychotherapy.

Image credit: Perry Jonsson

1. Why, if there was a reason, did you write this poem/these poems?

Catharsis. Therapy. As a tribute to my brother in law who took his own life, and to raise awareness of the very real issue of Male suicide. I have a compulsion to try and ‘fix’ bad situations, but obviously this was unfixable, so writing about it was the closest I could get.

2. Why, upon writing this poem/these poems, did you perform them?

To raise awareness. And to be totally honest, to shock the audience. I want them to be uncomfortable. I want them to remember this material out of everything else they see, and have a newfound respect for the gravity of the subject. Not only that, but suicide is still socially permissible to joke about, and I want people to think twice next time they laugh at it.

3. How does performing this piece change how you look at what happened to you?

It makes me feel more in control after something very chaotic. I like to think that he would like the piece and be proud of me.

4. How do you separate artistic performance from lived personal experience?

Focus entirely on replicating my more successful rehearsals, improving performance and heightening audience reaction. I am making art for public consumption, so I choose that as my focus. Also, quite subconsciously I (for the most part) avoid the ‘I’ pronoun, instead using ‘we’, which gives me a little more distance.

5. Do you find yourself affected negatively by performing this piece? If so, how do you look after yourself?

When I started performing it, I would be somewhat exhausted afterwards. These days though, not so much. It can depend on the audience. If they’re clearly very emotionally affected that has fed into my performance before. I’ve never lost control and become tearful, but I have felt intense.

6. Do you practice any aftercare after performing this piece (either for yourself or audiences)? (E.g., talking to audience members who are upset, taking some time out after your performance to ground yourself, ensuring you perform in places where you feel safe etc.)

I try and be around post-show; I reliably get at least one audience member come up to me afterwards who has been affected by suicide. They always thank me because being bereaved in this manner can completely alienate people and make them feel alone. For that reason I consider it important to perform this piece and make the time for them, so they realise they are not.

7. Do you do any content warnings for this piece? Why?

Depends on the night. If it’s a night with a more therapeutic lean, or it is specifically designed to be a safe space, or friendly to vulnerable people then yes. Really, in that context I probably wouldn’t perform it anyway unless it was actually requested or on theme. If not, then no. When people go out to see live entertainment, the performer should work in service of entertainment. Theatre isn’t supposed to be 100% safe, and performance poetry IS theatre. If an audience has come to a poetry show on purpose, the implicit relationship is that there will be emotional themes addressed, you don’t have to know anything about the scene to realise that. People watch theatre to be elevated and catharsis through experiencing challenging performances is a big part of that. Content warnings, unless handled very carefully, can break the rhythm and illusion of the show, as well as creating preconceptions about a piece.

EG; I have been in the audience when someone has started a poem with ‘trigger warning, suicide’ which IMMEDIATELY put me on edge. However, the poem itself was really comforting and I’m glad I ignored my instinct to leave.

THAT BEING SAID context is important, I’m not about to blanket damn trigger warnings. A LARGE part of serving the entertainment of the night is the ability to read the room, spot when something isn’t appropriate and make a call. If I’m doing the poem as part of a longer set, I will usually do a brief intro to it, not specifically making a content warning (although one is implied), but to steer the audience into a different energy. In reality you can never 100% tell which way a performance will go. Someone could be fine hearing a poem about suicide, but get upset with a poem about food because they have a history of eating disorders. There does come a point where you have to acknowledge all audience reaction as valid even if the audience straight up walks out. Sometimes trigger warnings are very necessary. Sometimes putting a trigger warning in front of a piece is actually more about giving yourself an illusion of control that you don’t, in reality, have.

8. Does the artist owe any kind of protection or safeguarding to their audience?

Yes and no. The artist owes organisers and programmers an accurate representation of their performance practice and general content so they can be booked for appropriate nights. They owe it to the audience to create art to the best of their ability. If their art is massively triggering, though, they have to be prepared to not be booked very often, or only for specific nights, or to have to put on their own shows. It is the organiser’s job to keep the audience safe, especially at curated nights, where they should know their regular audience well enough to bring in acts that will succeed. When there is an open mic element, the responsibility is a little more shared. Again, you have to read the room but you also have to acknowledge that you are a part of a community. If you are unfamiliar with the nights setup/it’s your first time, you should either scout it out first or bring a backup piece in case your chosen material isn’t going to work. There is no ‘don’t be an asshole’ rule, but there is an understanding that you should ‘try not to be an asshole’. Still, ultimately it is the organisers responsibility. They have to serve the needs of their night, and if someone steps to the mic and directly works against those needs, they have to be able to stop it.

BUT AGAIN this is not a hard and fast rule. Art practices don’t exist in a vacuum and absolutes are rarely sufficient to support the balance between safety and progress. Nuance exists.

For a scene in rude health, there needs to be a wide variety of event types. The safer spaces need to exist, because vulnerable people deserve entertainment and self-expression, but they ideally would exist in parallel with middle-of-the-road-pop-Poetry for the newcomers, and a more extreme end of the spectrum where limits can be tested, because such testings are VITAL to the evolution of the artform. ‘Saved’ by Edward Bond featured the stoning of a baby onstage and it resulted in a court case that DESTROYED the Thatcherite censorship of British theatre. ‘Shopping & Fucking’ featured drug abuse and violent rape, but broke new ground, opened doors for today’s pioneers of queer theatre and predicted the neo liberal society of today. ‘Ubu’ by Alfred Jarry was considered so nonsensical and artless that it caused TWO FUCKING RIOTS on opening night, but it spawned numerous artistic movements, without which we wouldn’t have Monty Python or Mighty Boosh. Nights need to exist where decency is malleable, simply for the evolution of the artform. Great art is not impossible when subjects are considered ‘off limits’ or ‘inappropriate’ BUT there are great things that can be achieved by breaking perceived barriers.

HOWEVER. NUANCE AGAIN.

We can’t have a blanket ‘anything goes’ approach, even at the most basic level. You have to restrict hate speech for a start, because one confident speaker given a platform can convert others to a cause. You have to no-platform predators and abusers because they will pretend to be innocent and use a platform to find more victims. This, as far as I can tell, is the most pressing responsibility an artist and an organiser has. It’s not a service to the artform, it’s a service to society, so in this case, yes, the artist, and to be honest EVERYONE is responsible for bombarding hatespeech, bigotry and abuse with poison until it dies like the fucking cancer that it is.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

9. Do you believe writing about areas such as grief, loss or trauma is a form of healthy catharsis or memorialisation?

Yes. NEXT QUESTION.

Alright, alright;

Writing stuff down can allow you to recognise and acknowledge your feelings much more clearly. Also, there are three poems that, whenever I perform them, will make me feel like the lost are still here with me.

In fact, every year on the anniversary of my brother in laws passing, I meet with my family, we chat, we support each other, and I perform two poems; the one I’m writing this survey about entitled ‘jump’, and another, more personal one that I rarely perform in public. Before I started organising this, we were stuck with ‘just getting through the day’ when it came around. It’s still the worst day of the year for us, but we have something to focus on that brings us together.

However, once again, we should be wary of absolutes. People can process grief in many different and utterly unexpected ways. This works for me and a few folk I know, but it could be catastrophic for others. Grief is one of those things where you have to acknowledge every possible emotion, no matter how illogical, as valid. If the bereaved responds by instinctively picking up a pen, whether to memorialise or seek catharsis, then writing is a valid response to grief. Therapy and/or seeking advice from medical professionals are also valid responses. It’s a simple case of ‘you do whatever makes you feel better’. If that includes enrolling in clown college and riding a unicycle everywhere; valid response.

10. What kind of warnings signs would you point out to someone new to poetry or performance who was performing about their traumas?

First of all, unless they specifically asked me, I don’t think I would. In this hypothetical I’m going to assume they are an adult presenting as neurotypical. They have a right to explore their own trauma/reclaim their narrative in whatever fashion suits them and I wouldn’t want to patronise them by giving the impression that I thought they needed help (see my question 9 chat about valid responses; we mustn’t tell people how to or how not to grieve). Humans are much hardier than they often give themselves credit for. The only context in which I would intercede would be someone clearly exhibiting signs of severe anxiety/depression, & I had even the slightest suspicion they might be a danger to themselves. However, these conditions make it very difficult for new voices to leave the house, let alone sign up for an open mic, so while I acknowledge there’s a risk, it isn’t a particularly likely scenario. I feel like that’s not the sort of answer you’re after, though.

I do think there is a bit of a danger (the extent of which I’m unsure of) that a new poet could see performances on YouTube and in slams that lead them to think they have to mine their own trauma to get material. The warning signs of this would be asking yourself ‘what can I write about’ and the answer being ‘ooh, that horrible thing that happened’.

When rehearsing the poem, it is perfectly normal to cry (or similar emotional release) even a few times. If you well up during a public performance, also fine AS LONG AS THE PERFORMER FEELS IT HELPS.

If, however, you have an uncontrollable emotional response EVERY TIME you perform it, I’d start to question whether you should.

If the idea of performing it causes anxiety above the usual pre-show nerves, and that anxiety reduces when you decide ‘oh I’ll perform something else instead’ then that’s a CLEAR indication.

It is hard to point to specific warning signs other than the above and feeling peer pressure to perform grief-motivated poetry, because everyone’s responses can be incredibly varied. All I’d really say is some advice I was given when I started writing;

“There are two types of writing; what you send out into the world and you do for yourself. The first type needs to flexible so you can improve it based on the responses you get. You have to learn that constructive criticism is valuable and not a personal attack. The second is imperfect and often messy, but it helps you learn about the craft and your own mind. Always remember the two are flexible. You can start writing something personal and realise it’s for everyone. You can send something out into the world and then entirely take it back upon realising that this was just for you.”

lloydcarltonrobinson.bandcamp.com/releases

https://www.patreon.com/poetryasfuck

#lloyd robinson #suicide #poetry #poet #poem #spoken word #grief #loss #trauma

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graphicnerdity · 7 years ago

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Fan Theory: The Magic School Bus & Harry Potter Exist in the Same Universe

The Magic School Bus and Harry Potter are beloved stories that chronicle the adventures of school children being put in harm’s way by irresponsible adults. But with magic! The similarities go far beyond that, though. There is a good deal of evidence to suggest that both schools – Walkerville Elementary and Hogwarts – exist in the same universe.

Walkerville desperately fills a need for wizarding elementary school

Growing up magical isn’t easy. Kids have to learn a shit ton of spells before they can function in the wizarding world. If you enter the workforce and the only spell you’ve remembered is Alohomora, you’ll be stuck working the door at a hotel lobby the rest of your life. You’ll be a senior citizen’s dream, but practically useless when the Dark Lord shows up.

Hogwarts has no choice but to build a curriculum that focuses exclusively on magic. Because the wizarding world is averaging a civil war every 14 years and your life may very well depend on the degree to which you can perform a defensive spell or spot a potentially disastrous potion. And yes, that leaves little room for math and science in the curriculum, as so many people like to point out. But who gives a shit? Everything you need to know about math and science is pretty much covered by grade five anyway.

That is precisely why magical elementary school exists. That is how we ended up with schools like Walkerville Elementary. Here, prospective Ilvermorny students are given practical knowledge about the muggle world. They learn basic math, science, biology, astronomy, natural history, and for some reason, what the inside of Arnold’s asshole looks like. All of the things their wizarding school won’t have time for. Best of all, they’ll have a janitor nearby in case one of the students accidentally blows up a teacher or releases a python.

The idea behind elementary wizarding school to give students a basic understanding of how things work, before teaching them how things change.

Ms. Frizzle’s class is small because it reflects the magical population

Figuring out the population of a fictional universe is a difficult undertaking. Fortunately, the Harry Potter fandom is full of people who laugh in the face of adversity. Here is one such hero’s essay about the population of the wizarding world that delves into greater detail:

http://www.fictionalley.org/authors/commendatore/HMHATAEOTPOWB01.html

Pretty impressive, right? By her own admission, J.K. Rowling isn’t great at math. Nevertheless, when she claims that 1000 students are attending Hogwarts at any one time, we have to take that as the gospel truth. Based on that statement, and after some crafty math by user commendatore over at www.fictionalley.org, we can postulate that approximately 0.0194% of Great Britain’s population is magical. Applying the same ratio to North America, we can put the wizarding population at around 100,000.

Thus, we end up with schools like Walkerville Elementary, where there aren’t enough students to fill out a classroom but enough to warrant one. That’s why Ms. Frizzle’s entire 3rd grade class contains just 8 students and the parking lot usually looks like a ghost town. And not the fun kind where Headless Hunts take place.

Students are introduced to magic via practical lessons

At Walkerville Elementary, magic is used primarily as a teaching aid. Students aren’t thrown into the world of spell mastery just yet. Accidental magic, as we know, is common among underage wizards. So Ms. Frizzle surrounds her class with magic and slowly immerses them into this world that, at the age of 8, is still relatively new to them.

Ilvermorny students don’t receive a wand until their first day of school, which is why Walkerville students are introduced to various forms of wandless magic. This is a common occurrence in America, where Native American witches and wizards have been practicing wandless magic for centuries: http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Native_Americans

We do see a few examples of students accidentally using magic to bewitch various items. In one episode, the students attempt to build a robot, despite having no knowledge of engineering whatsoever. Nevertheless, after stacking together some discarded items, Ralphie issues a verbal command (incantation is perhaps a better word for it) and the unplugged trash golem magically springs to life.

We see similar forms of magic in both worlds

In the wizarding world, time travel can be attained by using a Time Turner. You know, that handy bit of magical technology that allows students to learn two subjects at once while genocidal wizards roam free. Over at Walkerville Elementary, they’ve got a Time Turner too: The Bus. So what does Ms. Frizzle’s class do when they have the ability to go back in time? They go way the fuck back in time! Because obviously!

The students are Transfigured on a regular basis, taking the form of bats, salmon, and bees, just to name a few. In the wizarding world, we see that wizards can transfigure themselves into horrifying human/animal hybrids in a similar manner.

And speaking of transforming into animals, let’s not forget those Animagi. Hey Liz, those are very human gestures for something that is supposed to be just an average chameleon. No, that’s a woman who took the form of a chameleon then decided life was better when people just fed you all day and you didn’t have to speak with them. Or hey, maybe she’s a criminal who’s hiding out in a grade 3 classroom until things cool down a bit. Either way, great job on blowing your cover, Liz!

Another notable similarity between the two worlds is moving paintings of deceased witches and wizards. The ones in Walkerville don’t seem too keen to talk to kids. I don’t blame them.

We also see magically transforming fabrics. I’m not sure what spell this is, but Ms. Frizzle and Dumbledore use it purely to screw around with school children.

There is even a living skeleton in the classroom. I guess kids have to learn about necromancy at some point. You know, if the Inferi had top hats and polka dot bow ties, I don’t think they would’ve looked nearly as terrifying.

Enchanted vehicles are common in the wizarding world

The mechanical and the magical are often deeply intertwined in the wizarding world. The Hogwarts Express is able to traverse vast landscapes without being seen. Arthur Weasley’s invisible flying car and Sirius Black’s flying motorcycle serve to show, if nothing else, that wizards love enchanting the crap out of vehicles.

We even see the Potterverse’s version of the Magic School Bus: The Knight Bus. I could base my theory on this fact alone, and still feel pretty confident. It’s just a bigger, purpler version of the Friz’s ride that transports vagrants instead of students. The Knight Bus changes its appearance and dimensions in a way so similar to the Magic School Bus that it’s practically copyright infringement.

Come on, Ms. Frizzle is obviously a witch

Ms. Frizzle's primary talents involve commanding an enchanted bus and changing her clothing at will. If that was the extent of her magical ability, then the case could still be made that she is a decent witch. While the Bus is responsible for the majority of the show's magic, Ms. Fizzle is seen on numerous occasions performing obvious spellwork even when the Bus is absent. For example, here is Ms. Frizzle appearing out of nowhere in a way that looks very similar to the wizarding world's Apparating ability.

Here she is, gliding to safety after jumping out of a third-storey window to rescue a fallen student. She might not know what qualifies as child endangerment, but it looks like she knows how to conjure an Arresto Momentum spell.

Here’s The Frizz riding a tidal wave that she conjured out of nowhere using a powerful Aguamenti charm, because impressing a group of 8-year-olds is important to her. That water, in case you were wondering, disappeared immediately after her dramatic entrance was made.

You don’t have to look too hard to find connections between both magical worlds. I personally looked into it way too hard, but that’s so the rest of you can just sort of skim through and spot the similarities. Now that you’ve seen them it’s a pretty easy theory to subscribe to.

#Magic School Bus #hogwarts #Harry Potter #fan theory #ms frizzle #witch #ilvermorny #take chances #make mistakes #get messy #fantheories

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legault · 7 years ago

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top three fe straights-jk jk jk i'd never do that to ya. top three asshole archers?

Ok I know it’s a joke but I’m gonna answer it:

Top FE Straight Characters

1. Dorcas: Look, it’s pretty rare that I feel invested in any straight romance, but Dorcas’s devotion to his wife is fucking adorable, and he’s just a Good Man.

2. Ephraim: Tbh I like thinking about Ephraim as a character more than anything, because honestly, I think he’s super flawed and the game doesn’t call that out enough. He’s irresponsible as a ruler, he’s not the best as a romantic partner, his judgement is not always the best, but everyone loves him/is in love with him anyway. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just interesting to me, and while I don’t love him, I don’t dislike him at all either, and I find him funny as the random oblivious straight boy who everyone, including his male friends, is into.

3. Rafiel: I like Rafiel because even though he’s in a straight relationship (or at least it’s heavily implied), his character and relationship both defy gender stereotypes in a big way, and I think that’s awesome. His partner is obviously more physically strong and aggressive than him, and a lot less delicate in both words and actions. But they respect each other and appreciate each other’s strengths, and have a generally healthy relationship, and I’m a big fan of that.

Top 3 Asshole Archers

1. Innes: I can’t start talking about Innes because I won’t stop, but listen. I adore Innes. He’s a jerk and he’s a flawed character and he has trouble relating to people because he’s sure he knows best, but he’s ridiculously principled and cares very deeply, both about his country and about people, even if he doesn’t know how to show it. And he’s devoted his whole life to becoming a good ruler, even if it means giving up the chance to live more freely, but he never questions that or resents it, just accepts the responsibility and throws himself into it fully. Also to me personally he reads as super gay, and he has terrible hair. What’s not to love?

2. Shinon: God, Shinon is a dick. He’s so mean to everyone, and I can’t make a complete case for him being a good person because honestly, he’s not really a great person. But he is a complex person, moreso than he might get credit for sometimes. He’s got a lot of self-loathing going on, and he’s fiercely loyal, but only to a few people. And despite everything, he does show growth over the course of the games, without changing his fundamental personality. Plus, his hair is the bomb.

3. Python: Ok, so Python’s not necessarily an asshole, he’s just really sarcastic and doesn’t like to take anything seriously. But he’s absolutely hilarious and he calls everyone “stud,” which is something I think FE needs more of in general. Anyone who thinks Lucas is a stud is ok in my book.

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a-wolf-among-men · 7 years ago

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🌕 + 1-7

Let me mun/muse rant send 🌕 + a number/numbers for the mun and 🌑 + number/numbers for the muse | accepting

Going to put the ex-friend story under the cut because it’s super fucking long.

1. A person they know/ran into

I was going to talk about some dude I met freshmen year, but that’s more of an ex-friend story. Anyways, so when I was at the Reptile expo where I got Staurn, there was this kid, I’d assume he was in the 12-13 range like he wasn’t that old and was in the asshole age range. He was holding a piebald ball python aka a really expensive morph of ball python and he put it on his head because “my hands are full” even though they weren’t and didn’t even try to stabilize it and basically threw it back onto the fucking display case. And his fucking dad didn’t say a word, like??? I want to fucking slap that kid so fucking hard, you don’t just do that and age is no excuse, because even I knew at that age you don’t fucking throw an animal back onto a table.

2. A pet peeve

Being dragged out of my house to things that I have no interest in because “You need to get out more” and when I actually want to go to place all of the sudden my mother cares about my social anxiety and asks me if we need to leave. It’s just??? Don’t pretend to care about me???

3. Something they hate but everyone loves

I hate Ahri. No seriously I hate her and it’s not because “oh shes popular” no it’s because shes a perfect example of how lazy Riot can be with designs and lore. Not to mention she just attracts assholes since every single Ahri I get on my team is terrible and the most toxic person I’ve ever met. I swear I’ve seen he design 1000x over just with ocs alone not to mention any anime with a fox character and she has no personality beyond I’M SEXY FOX FUCK ME. It honestly baffles me as to why shes such a popular champ.

4.Something they love but everyone hates

I fucking love reptiles k? They’re honestly so much better than cats and dogs, but every time I ago to any family gathering I could be talking to my grandma about my snake because she asked, but my aunt or my cousin have to butt into the conversation just to shit on my pets or something that I want to get. It’s just holy shit just because it’s not a cat or dog doesn’t mean it’s okay to shit on someones fucking pet.

5. An ex RP partner

Well I’ll get to them in the rant about an ex-friend bit, so…

6.An ex friend

So it’s 7th grade me and one of my close friendos are talking and walking around this little grassy spot near the lunch tables, we’re just talking about a bunch of random things. Than low and behold here comes the asshole I never liked form the started butting into our conversation to talk about sword art online something neither of us actually liked. He took over the conversation and got offended if me and my other friend if we even tried to talk about something else. The dude even bragged about beating up a 6 y/o for hitting on his little sister, he was that kind of asshole.

Cut to late 7th grade where this dude actually gets into the rp scene on Deviantart. This is also leads into one of my worst rp experiences ever just flat out ever and almost made me quit. So I was a huge weeb in middle school I’m talking black butler merch, Prussia messenger bag, shit ton of anime merch, wanting to learn Japanese, etc. So I used to write a lot of Prussia and Russia.

So in Hetalia Hungary has a huge crush on Prussia this leads into it don’t worry I’m not ust saying this to say it. One of the characters he used to write a lot was Hungary and during one of our threads in short he knocked out my muse and raped them without even asking me me first and then got mad when I wasn’t fine with it because “they love each other so it isn’t rape” which is a flat out lie, but hey couldn’t really do anything about it. That was the first thing that made me from being in different to being wary.

So like the utter dumb ass I am I continued to write with them where they continually forced ships on me and got really pissed when I wasn’t okay with it. This continued on until I started really shifting away from Hetalia because of this and started getting into league by early 8th.

My first ever league muse was Thresh, but I never wrote him around this dude I only wrote Viktor. He kept claiming I was god modding because “I BLEW UP HIS LAB HE CAN’T SURVIVE AN EXPLOSION” even tho he did all of this without fucking asking me first and would always throw a tantrum like a 2 y/o if I had a problem with it. The rest of 8th grade is just a blur besides me moving onto secretly disliking him nothing really important happens.

In the beginning of freshmen year we all joined chess club because our friend, I’ll call im’ Sam for the sake of anonymity, wanted to join. I only really played games against my friend Cathy (for anonymity again), because we both had never really played chess before and I was god awful at it. This dude was hardly in the club ever it was just me, Cathy, Sam, and I’ll call her Amy ever there. He was always at the anime club.

Then the huge shit show of Freshman year starts, me and Cathy used to tease this kid by calling him weeaboo and instead of telling me or Cathy that he doesn’t like to be called it HE THREW A FUCKING TANTRUM ON DEVIANTART, so of course bein’ lil’ ol’ 14 y/o me I was pissed, which I had every right to be since he basically vague posted about me in a journal. So of course I confronted him about it on Deviantart and he got all defensive and refused to apologize for flat out lying about me and Cathy.

After a shit ton of petty arguments online I finally just blocked him and reported him to the Deviantart staff for harassment, because he kept starting everything by going to my page and making a snarky comment or making a journal about me, they refused to do anything about it of course, but that’s not important. It also led to me leaving the site he just the straw that broke the camels back. Remember when I said he hardly ever showed up to chess club? GUESS WHO STARTED SHOWING UP EVERY DAY.

So me and Cathy eventually stopped going and just hung out with our other friend Spooce (shes spooce-spooce on here). He would literally follow us to the other side of campus and would only fuck off when we told him to stop following us. This lasted throughout freshmen year and luckily by sophomore year I was accepted into a homeschooling program, so guess who never has to see that asshole again? This girl.

#ooc #dont mind me and my shitty opinions #I swear that dude was just a walking horror story he even wanted us to sneak him into the data pathway exclusive club

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dreadark · 7 years ago

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Shinon/Gatrie and python/Forsyth for the ask thing 👀

you know me too wellthese archer/knight pairs…

let’s do forsyth/python first

- who’s the werewolf and who’s the hunterforsyth has it in his head that being a hunter will help everyonepython actually goes and helps him with his dream, somehow managing to hide that he’s the very thing he’s hunting…eventually forsyth does capture somethingbut somehow it reminds him of his friend, so he ends up letting it goit didn’t even try to attack him, so it’s not bad, right…?forsyth’s pretty blunt, so he just asks python when he sees him the next dayand then everything’s fine yeahhe finds some other dream and drags python along i guess

…and now i have to put a read more bc i already wrote too much oops

- who’s the mermaid and who’s the fishermanforsyth is just living his simple fisherman lifehe wants to do something more, but there aren’t exactly many opportunities for himso python sees him fishing one day, decides he’s cuteand just jumps out of the water and kisses him full on the moutha+ introduction python

- who’s the witch and who’s the familiarforsyth tries to summon a familiar (are they even summoned how do these usually work idk)and all he gets is this guy who just sleeps 70% of the time(forsyth didn’t even get it right; python was just curious and decided to hop over to see who was trying and failing so many summons lmao)…still, it’s the only one he’s managed, so he does his best to make python cooperatewith…limited success, at least

- who’s the barista and who’s the coffee addictforsyth lives off coffee okpython notices just how much he comes there and “no wonder you’re so high strung”he also adds like a pile of sugar and some caramel and whipped cream and whateverpython is just like “how can you even stand to drink this, it’s so sweet?”(…really, it’s canon: hereforsyth loves sweet food and python hates itbut python loves bitter food…and forsyth still likes it, at leastthank u sov for giving this useless data i need for fics)

- who’s the professor and who’s the TApython would not be either of these if anything, someone forces him into being a TAbut he still refuses to do anythingforsyth still has to do all the workhe is so Done

alternatively, really lazy professor python who just dumps everything onto his new TA forsythforsyth doesn’t even realize how much it is and finishes it without complaint…he’s so dedication that python actually kinda feels bad and starts doing part of it himself

- who’s the knight and who’s the prince(ss)this one…i mean, forsyth’s the literal knight, sohe fusses over python a lot, like “i know i’m guarding you, but don’t just fall asleep wherever you want!”and well…he’s pretty blunt, so he makes it clear what he thinks of how good of a prince python is (that is to say, forsyth doesn’t think he’s good at all lmao)and python doesn’t really want to be a prince either…still, they grow pretty close over the years, close enough for python to ask forsyth to come with him when he runs awayforsyth tries to convince him not to, but when python is really set on something (which is very rare) there’s no convincing him

and the other way around…forsyth just doesn’t trust that python will keep him safe at allhe actually ends up saving python a bunch of times, then berating him like “you’re supposed to be protecting me”“well, i figured you had it under control”(python does save his life once though, getting pretty badly injured in the process–he’s reliable when he needs to beso then forsyth warms up to him more)

- who’s the teacher and who’s the single parenti…can’t imagine any of them with kids?so maybe…one of python’s cousins or something, they ask python to look after their kid for a weekend because they’re apparently going on a business trip or smthhe doesn’t want to but they seem kinda desperate so he eventually gives inthe kid seems quiet, so it can’t be too bad…and then they don’t come back everso now python’s stuck with this kid forsyth is like, a kindergarten teacher or smthand it’s just so obvious python has no clue what he’s doing when he shows up thereso he ends up helping him, and eventually…- who’s the writer and who’s the editorforsyth kinda likes writing about epic quests or dreams he hasnot professionally, reallyhe badgers python into reading it over for himpython just starts laughing lmao

————————————————————————————————-

……………….and here’s shinon/gatriethis is already so long and it’s half done wow

- who’s the werewolf and who’s the huntergatrie is just. such an incompetent hunternot like he’s bad at fighting, obviously…but he is not at all stealthyso shinon’s just hearing him lumbering through the forest, rolling his eyesat some point he gets bored of just running, and stands in plain sightbut gatrie’s actually surprisingly fast and catches him then (that 60% spd growth tho–)…but plot twist, gatrie wasn’t even hunting werewolves–just wolves that some girls said were howling really loudly or somethingand by this time it’s actually light out, so shinon’s human againgatrie lets him go ofc, and somehow they become friends

- who’s the mermaid and who’s the fishermanmer!shinon…he’d look so good……somehow he gets caught in gatrie’s traps through pure bad luck and gets injuredgatrie finds him and carries him home to treat him, apologizing shinon curses at him the entire way back lmaoonce he’s healed, shinon swears to never come back again…but he ends up there anyway

- who’s the witch and who’s the familiarhow did shinon get stuck with such an idiot of a familiar, he’ll never understand…but gatrie’s actually surprisingly powerfuland also really nice–usually it takes a bit to make a familiar obey you, but gatrie’s just really enthusiastic about everythingso shinon ends up liking him despite himself…so much he says he’ll release gatrie from his contract some time laterbut gatrie insists on staying…he finds shinon’s world (and shinon) a lot more interesting than where he’d been before, is all

- who’s the barista and who’s the coffee addictreplace coffee with alcohol and barista with bartender and it makes more sensegatrie gets increasingly concerned over the frequency of shinon’s appearanceshe’s new there, and everyone’s just like “yeah that’s just shinon, he’s a drunk don’t mind him”but he can’t help itand he keeps trying to talk to shinon, since he’s always alone too…he even ends up taking him back home after a really bad nightwho new all shinon needed to do to make friends was get drunk a lot–

- who’s the professor and who’s the TAshinon is that asshole professor who’s super smart but can’t teach for shitgatrie’s really good at explaining things to other people, but it takes him a while to understand them himselfstill, he tries his best and does end up helping a bunch of students eventuallyshinon’s class hates him less, which makes shinon hate them less, so…it’s better that way for sure(is it obvious i don’t really know what a TA does yet)

- who’s the knight and who’s the prince(ss)prince shinon 👀the moment he sees gatrie’s assigned to be his bodyguard he avoids him as much as possibledoes everything he can to make gatrie hate him so much he just quitsbut gatrie just isn’t affected somehow(and maybe that’s what shinon wanted all along–someone who’d have him, flaws and all)shinon’s also…unnecessarily recklessnot in the sort of brash way, but in a “i don’t care about myself at all” gatrie saves him a bunch of times, until shinon’s recklessness actually gets gatrie hurtthen shinon promises to be more careful, for gatrie’s sake if not his own

- who’s the teacher and who’s the single parentthere iskiowleu know how this goes already

- who’s the writer and who’s the editorshinon writes something super dark and edgy and just not fun to read at allgatrie sends it back with like “maybe make at least one character likable?” (bc or else no one would want to read it lmao)and also he likes happy endings and feel-good stories, that’s just how he isand shinon just writes back “fuck you” gatrie is trying

i just checked and this is over 1000 wordsii’m sorrybut not really

#sylphofhope #ask #fire emblem #thunder and lightning #forsython #i wrote too much...#but i just love them too much ok #in between writing this i took a shower and ate dinner #this took way too long ahaha #just shows how much i like them--#some of these are kind of...stretching it #like they don't really fit it #but i tried #tbh i like those prince/knight ones a lot...#it's been a week and i'm so deep into fe15 it's not funny

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thetenthdoctorscompanion · 8 years ago

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in relation to my last reblog about quest for camelot:

I suddenly remembered my first semester of college, taking my freshman seminar. I ended up taking Arthurian Legends, which was all about the stories of King Arthur and how they’d been adapted and changed over centuries and what the symbolism in it means and all that. Studied everything from History of the Kings of Britain to Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Now, I was one of about 3 people who actually enjoyed being in this class (the other two consequently becoming some of my best friends). Everyone else was basically there because their first choices had gotten filled up, and this was about 12th on their list. So you know, normal kind of class dynamic for a nerd. You got the non-bookish girls who have no idea what’s going on, one or two dudes who are willing to put in the work, but they’re clearly more science than they are humanities, and your typical jock dude-bros.

Now, our favorite jock dude bros we code-named Lancelot and Gawain. (I think he was Gawain anyway. Most of the time we called him Hercules, or Jesus-feet. That is another story entirely.) Yes, I had a crush on Lancelot and that’s why we called him Lancelot. Yes, he was the typical asshole with the face of a Hollister model.

But the story isn’t about Lancelot. The story is about Hercules.

Now, had he not been such a weird dude bro, Hercules probably would have been a pretty cool dude. He wore a Captain America shirt the first day of orientation, which I was psyched about, but we ended up never really talking. And when I say weird jock, I mean weird jock. You know the one that makes like next level abstract jokes that are somehow funny but operate on like, their own level of logic. Like, Eddy on Ed, Edd and Eddy.

And this is gonna be a pretty shitty story, because for the love of God I cannot remember why this happened. But if I had to guess, we were talking about adaptations in class. Merlin, Sword in the Stone, Camelot, all that jazz. And someone brings up Quest for Camelot, which happened to be one of my 3 favorite movies as a kid. I had Kaylee pajamas, and a set of Camelot playing cards I used to play slap jack with my Nanna.

Now, far be it from me to be above singing in class. So I open my mouth, ready to sing a couple bars of whatever song I was about to remember, when from behind me I hear - “Look at the sky! Tell me what do you see? Just close your eyes and describe it to me.”

And it’s fucking Hercules singing from my favorite song of my favorite movie before I could get out a single word. And the class just moves right along like nothing happened. Meanwhile I’m sitting in my chair like “UM NO EXCUSE ME LET’S GO BACK TO THAT??? Do you wanna sing a few more bars??? I’ll come in as Kaylee??? Duet??????? Please???????”

Anyway, that day changed me as a person. Don’t underestimate your dude-bro classmates, stereotypes and all that jazz. And watch Quest for Camelot.

#funny story #quest for camelot #story #funny #giggles #college #it's Brittney bitch #long post

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flauntpage · 7 years ago

Text

Bird Droppings: Coming Out Hot

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HOW SWEET IT IS… to watch a meaningful Philly sports game. By my count, it has been since January since we’ve seen one. Sure, the Phillies played almost a whole season and the Flyers did… whatever it is they did last season… but not since the Sixers’ mini-January run has it felt like we’ve had a worthy sporting event over which to get excited. Imagine trying to run a local sports blog during that stretch. Imagine blogging Maikel Franco. Just imagine that. So, to be honest, I was just happy that there was a game yesterday. For it to be a win, on the road, against a division rival, with a post-game Gatorade bath? That’s just the icing on the Doug. There’s a lot to discuss, some bad, mostly good, as we head into a Week 2 showdown with Doug Pederson’s maker, The Fat Man.

To the Droppings!

Opening play

Russ pointed this out on the podcast today, but the opening play action bomb to Torrey Smith – which was underthrown by Carson Wentz and could have been a touchdown – felt like such an Andy Reid play. Russ thinks it happened every year. I’m not so sure about that– it might just be that the preseason T.O. pass stands out so much in our minds that we think Reid did this every year. It doesn’t matter. I liked the play call and it almost worked. The Eagles probably weren’t expecting Josh Norman to be on Smith, but I can admire the gonadotropins Wentz had to try it anyway, because Lord knows, he’s likely not using them in other ways.

Score bar

I LOVE IT. For years FOX’s graphics felt like they were designed by a foreman from a midwestern steel plant who was delusional about robots coming to take over his job. Even George Lucas during the filming of Episode II thought they went too heavy on the animated robots with overly-mixed mechanical sounds.

There’s a practical reason for the shift to a bottom line over the score bug. Perhaps two of them. When broadcasts shifted to HD 10-12 years ago, networks still had to compensate for those who had standard definition TVs, where the score bug lived in a corner of the screen. Those TVs didn’t show the wide-angle view, so, if you were watching in HD, you’d be left with a score bug near the middle of the screen. In fact, it was one of the immediate ways to tell you were watching HD — if the score bug was curiously in the middle of things. Now, even standard def broadcasts get the wide screen view (with black bars) and putting the score bug in the corner would make it needlessly far to the side. The bottom bar makes more sense. Also, as Adam pointed out on the podcast, it allows networks to place other scores, stats and, most importantly, ads in that area.

Carson Wentz

The first touchdown to Agholor was absolutely fantastic and showed off the best of what Carson Wentz has to offer. There is no better way to sum it up and put it in context than by laying it next to Donovan McNabb’s famous pass against the Cowboys, as Philly Voice’s Matt Mullin did:

Alshon Jeffery (and many others) compared Wentz to Aaron Rodgers on this play.

But it immediately reminded me of this @donovanjmcnabb play: http://pic.twitter.com/HpcluKNNgR

— Matt Mullin (@matt_mullin) September 10, 2017

The two plays match each other almost beat for beat (fine, he sped it up), except only one features a touchdown (the other features an asshole putting on a fake wrestling belt).

I thought Wentz played well overall. He completed 26-of-39 passes for 302 yards, two touchdowns and one interception. That’s hard to argue with. However, he still overthrows receivers. Those passes usually come on “touch” throws. I thought at times he still looked a little raw – more than I was expecting heading into his second season – and didn’t work through his progressions as well as he should. Here’s an example from a play fake to Smallwood:

He wound up throwing it backhand out of bounds.

He’s at his best when he’s out of the pocket or forced to make athletic plays, not unlike Donovan McNabb or even current quarterbacks like Aaron Rodgers and Russell Wilson. This is a strength, to be sure, but he still needs to work on making the quick read and his touch passes. Those touch passes, specifically, are troublesome. Like a pitcher throwing to first, Wentz struggles to change his mechanics for the soft throw and is wildly unpredictable in those circumstances. Look no further than the horrible screen pass to Agholor.

Part of the blame, I think, goes to Doug Pederson, WHO I PROMISE NOT TO BASH TODAY. He calls plays like I do playing Madden— predictable run, screen, screen, BOMB, fake screen, gadget bubble, try to outsmart the opponent on fourth down and wind up blowing a timeout. Wentz is at his best throwing the 10-15 bullet on out routes and hook patterns. He seems to excel here. The distance is far enough to allow him to LET LOOSE the python which hangs from his shoulder, while at the same time not being so deep as to make it a difficult pass. Ertz is the beneficiary of many of these, but it seems like the Eagles could get the wide receivers more involved, or even utilize Sproles on cut and option routes here. But Pederson takes Wentz out of his rhythm way too often with his chode offense and forced deep balls.

Playcalling

I’ll start with the bad and then end with the good.

There were two highly questionable series in my view: The first actually resulted in an Eagles touchdown… thanks to a punt fumble recovery by the Eagles. It was their third drive of the game from their own 13. Here’s the sequence:

First and 10: Handoff to LeGarrette Blount for 4 yards.

Second and 6: Handoff to Blount for 5 yards.

Third and 1: Ineligible receiver penalty and handoff to Blount (from the shotgun!) for -2 yards. Penalty is declined and the Eagles kick.

By the third play, everyone in the stadium knew the run was coming, even if Doug tried to outsmart them by lining up in the shotgun.

The Eagles luckily recovered a Redskins fumble on the return and scored their second touchdown on the drive.

The second also involves Blount.

You can argue the Eagles got him SPECIFICALLY to chew up clock late in the fourth quarter. When they got the ball at their own 15 with 12:21 to go following a Jalen Mills interception. Here’s what they decided to do:

One touch for Blount (no gain), following a run out of the shotgun (!) and two passes. Four of the first six plays of the drive were passes, and the Eagles chewed only a little more than five minutes of clock and wound up punting from their own territory. This is a nitpick, to be sure, but if you are going to use Blount, this is the situation to do it in. Rather, we have Darren Sproles and Wendell Smallwood running out of the shotgun.

Come on.

That said, I did like Doug’s playcalling at the end of the first drive mentioned here, when the Eagles got inside the 10 at the start of the second quarter. The bubble screen-whatever to Agholor was an excellent play-call but a bad throw by Wentz which Agholor, improbably, saved. And while some on Twitter seemed upset at the strategy behind him running Blount OUT OF THE SHOTGUN and then passing to Celek and Blount (TOUCHDOWN!) from the 3-yard line, I think this is where Doug’s gadget-y offense excels. There was some degree of “trickeration,” and indeed throwing to Blount, who put on a shifty move at the one, worked. These play-calls have their place, but Doug uses them too frequently at mid-field and zaps the life out of drives.

The drive to end the first half that resulted in a field goal was also excellent:

The dumb screen

This is why Torrey Smith’s NFL stock is so low. He was awful on this play. He missed a block…

… and then didn’t even attempt to get the ball while Carson Wentz was diving into the pile:

Ronald Darby

The good news is that it’s just dislocated.

BUT COME ON:

It’s bad http://pic.twitter.com/QODlMMIuZE

— Kyle Scott (@CrossingBroad) September 10, 2017

The replacements

Jalen Mills and Patrick Robinson did an excellent job in replacing Darby and covering Terrelle Pryor, who was held in check for most of the game. I don’t know if I’d count on that kind of reliability for the rest of the year, but for one game they stepped up big time.

Missed tackles

The Redskins’ second touchdown when Chris Thompson evaded 11 EAGLES TACKLERS was embarrassing and easy to ridicule. But other than that the defense played excellent. Kirk Cousins was under pressure all day and though he never reached full Eli Manning, he was never able to get comfortable in the pocket. I actually thought he played well given the circumstances. He’s a gamer, and he used his legs late in the game to keep the Redskins in it. But all the credit in the world goes to the outstanding defensive line, which got pressure on almost every play. And when Jim Schwartz did decide to Blitz, linebackers and secondary players got in the backfield almost at will. So while we’ll remember the play with the missed tackles, it’s worth noting that it was a rare miscue from an otherwise excellent defensive effort, capped off by Fletcher Cox recovering an incomplete pass and running into the end zone like a fat duck.

Special teams

The penetration on the kick coverage is outstanding.

Penetration.

LeGarrette Blount

I actually thought he played well. He didn’t break off any big runs, but he ran downhill on several occasions and was able to pick up healthy gains when he broke through the line. He looks like he still has something left in the tank and runs with some level of effort, which is good to see. I actually could’ve used more of him yesterday, like on that late fourth quarter drive where the Eagles needed to chew up clock.

Wentz to Ertz

Shades of the Sproles play from a year ago:

Underrated play from Wentz. Avoids a sack, throws perfect pass to Ertz for a big 3rd down conversion in a 2-point game #Eagles http://pic.twitter.com/00Xy4jev0W

— Eliot Shorr-Parks (@EliotShorrParks) September 11, 2017

Zach Ertz

I’m pretty sure we broke this down plenty leading up to the game, but there’s no reason Ertz shouldn’t be a top tight end this season. This is exactly what was expected of him yesterday. The touchdown balls will come, and then presumably go right to Mike Trout.

Decisions

While everyone feels good about the win today, and it’s useless piling on Doug after what was a rough week that quite honestly he probably didn’t deserve (even if there was some truth to the stories about him), it’s worth mentioning the sometimes maddening decisions he makes.

Sending the offense back out there on fourth and 1, up 2, was silly. Even though it was simply to try to draw the Redskins offside and get a first down, the game still very much hung in the balance at that point and wasting at timeout seemed foolish. Just kick the field goal to go up five and keep all three of the timeouts in case you need them. Don’t get cute. I’m not sure what it was, but Duce Staley didn’t like something about the play:

The two-point conversion came likely because Caleb Sturgis hurt his hip and had already missed a PAT earlier in the game, so I’ll give Doug the benefit of the doubt here. But since “math” was such a big topic last week, mentioned both in Jeffery Lurie’s and Pederson’s press conferences, it’s worth pointing out that this was probably the wrong decision. Kicking the PAT would’ve put the Eagles up 12 and meant the Redskins had to score two touchdowns. Had the Eagles not converted the two-point conversion, then the Redskins would’ve only need a touchdown with two-point conversion and field goal to tie. So, mathematically speaking, this is not a situation to go for it.

Gatorade bath

Contrary to what most might expect, I actually didn’t hate the Gatorade bath. Sure, it was hokey, but Pederson was coming off a rough week and the Eagles have struggled against the Redskins. I actually thought it was a cool show of support for the coach.

Zach Ertz on Gatorade bath for Doug

"There was a lotta hoopla with the article (@PhillyInquirer) that came out the day before the game…" http://pic.twitter.com/27Pg4TQTF3

— John Clark CSN/NBC (@JClarkCSN) September 10, 2017

Jason Peters on Gatorade bath, articles ripping Doug

"Thats Philly" "Pressure's on him"

"We had to get this win for Doug"#Eagles🦅 http://pic.twitter.com/P4l2SxnSsO

— John Clark CSN/NBC (@JClarkCSN) September 10, 2017

They like each other!

Not pictured here is Jim Schwartz’s other hand stabbing Doug Pederson in the back.

Snaps

Here is the playing time distribution from Sunday's win over Washington: http://pic.twitter.com/5mceeEHbWu

— Zach Berman (@ZBerm) September 11, 2017

For everyone saying Mack Hollins was going to take Jordan Matthews’ role… he got five snaps. Interestingly, Nelson Agholor got only 42 and still had 6 catches for 86 yards.

Think fast

According to @profootballfocus.com #Eagles O line gave up 17 QB pressures (2 sacks, 3 QB hits, 12 hurries), tying Arizona for 2nd most.

— Ed Kracz (@kracze) September 11, 2017

Wentz was blitzed on a career high 47 percent of his dropbacks, per ESPN Stats & Info. Unfazed, he went 11-of-18 for 119 yards and a TD.

— Tim McManus (@Tim_McManus) September 11, 2017

Not bad.

Next week, the Chiefs. Thumbtack.

Bird Droppings: Coming Out Hot published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

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best-worst-practices-blog · 7 years ago

Text

def __main__():

So here you are, reading my blog. My account of what I get up to, how badly I fuck up, how bad I feel about it and what I learn in the process. Let me get you up to speed on why I suddenly feel so self-important that somebody might actually want to read about my life.

Where are you right now?

Well the smart-ass answer is “I’m in bed, it’s about half 2 in the morning (where and when most of my bad ideas come to me, wrapped in an irresistible veneer of a great idea) and I’m in bed writing this.” but the answer you’re probably looking for (and the one I’m obviously dancing around) is I am in Galway, Ireland and I am a Software Developer.

How did that happen?

Well, I tried physics for a while in University and, while it’s still something that interests me, it’s not really the career for me. I did take a brief intro to Python labeled “Computer Science 101” in my first year at Uni though, and that pretty much decided what I was going to do with my life. Fast forward through a year and a half of largely self-destructive lifestyle choices followed by a few months of isolation and reorientation in my family home and we arrive at the beginning of my career.

What was the game plan?

I’ve never been great at long-term planning, other than knowing I want to procreate before I’m 30. So I kind of just took what was immediately available to me. A local course was running where I could do MS Office, Web Design and Video Production so I did that for 6 months. As is the case with a lot of Irish courses from the ETB, it was horribly out-dated. I wasn’t allowed to use bootstrap in my assignments for Web Design, we never touched JavaScript and the camera we used for Video Production took little cassettes etc. It wasn’t all bad though, I learned how to use GIMP and Inkscape in the process. I fucking love those programs now and I use them regularly. I also made a bunch of funny shit because for some reason, when I’m bored out of my gourd, my comedic cortex goes nuts. Here’s one of my rejected mockups for a Web Design assignment:

Apparently ETB examiners have no sense of humour and this would guarantee that they threw my exam in the shitter if I included it. Screw it, I still think that’s funny. But here’s a few that were deemed “Appropriate enough”:

That “Land Before Time” joke kills me every time.

While I was doing this course, I took an online course simultaneously: Cisco’s CCENT certification. Networking is really interesting if you have the patience to learn it. I had the patience only because I was so bored though so please, don’t ask me how to configure the Cisco Switch you own for some reason, that info has been overwritten by shitty memes and Synthwave since taking that course.

Immediately after finishing that course I moved back to Galway to do another course in MySQL and PHP. It was a’ight. The minutia of optimising DBs still largely elude me but I have a pretty solid working knowledge of DBMS.

Now we’re getting up to speed. Near the end of the MySQL course, a fellow trainee (you know who you are) kept pushing me to go networking events in the Galway start-up scene. I was hesitant because I’m lazy but eventually I figured that if I went, he might leave me alone and I wouldn’t be forced to take such long looks at myself. Networking is tiring for an introvert, but if you’re tidy, friendly and mannerly (and the professional match-makers are there) then you won’t have to go too often. After showing my face a handful of times I had landed a freelance gig with a guy called Gerry. I’m still working with him.

So you got a job, what now?

Well I didn’t have much of a job. The freelance gig ended up being fairly low-pay because Gerry isn’t made of money and the project was going to take a while so he contracted me for 10 hours a week for €10 an hour. I could no longer afford to live in Galway after the course so I moved back home and stayed there for the best part of a year while I continued to work for Gerry.

In a way I saw the experience as more valuable than the money, and I don’t think I was wrong, but I took that to extremes as I am one to do. Most weeks I would work on the project for 50-60 hours for no extra pay simply because I had little else to do. All my friends had moved away or were still in college and I don’t really drink so I just worked. A lot. I learned Django, Bootstrap, jQuery, P5.js and got better at CSS. About every 6 weeks or so I’d burn out though. My mind and body would run out of steam and I’d spend anywhere between a few days and a week just recuperating, playing video games and catching up on sleep. All the while I’d feel guilty that I wasn’t working, which you might think it strange because at this stage I’m basically owed at least 4 times as much as I’ve worked, but that doesn’t stop the old noggin from naggin’.

As for what now? Well I trained as a Trainer somewhere in there in the year I spent at home working so I taught a course in a local town for 5 weeks. I was teaching Digital Skills to retirees and older folk. The isolation was really getting to me though. Rural Ireland is a small place and at this stage I’m 21 and looking to jump-start a career as a Dev. I needed to get out.

Did you?

Yes.

I was already looking for accommodation at this stage and trying to figure out a way that my existing freelance work could support me (it wouldn’t). I half-heartedly applied to an ICT apprenticeship program that I had heard about a year prior. Next thing I know, I’m sitting in GMIT at an interview with a really cool company, Tr3Dent. You should check them out, it’s pretty gnarly shit that they do.

I thought the interview went okay, I knew I came across as knowledgable and enthusiastic but I felt I had over-shared (as I am one to do) and that I’d been too candid about some less-than-admirable details from my “Journey so far”. Didn’t seem to matter though. They liked me, my attitude and my whole schtick apparently. I got the gig.

So... you got a job?

Hold your horses Sally! Not quite. It’s an apprenticeship with 6 months of solid training before you even go near your sponsor company, then 12 months of 3 days in-company and 2 in training, then 6 months of 4 days work, 1 day training. Then... if you’re a really good boy/boyette... you might get a full time job out of it. Basically you’d have to be a colossal asshole or completely incompetent to not stick the landing but other things can happen too. The company could go under, then you’re fucked and it’s not even your own fault. I digress. I’m stoked about the company that’s sponsoring me and I can’t wait to work with them. Until then, it’s back to the training centre for this guy.

Are you done?

Not quite, I have one other thing I want to shout about, then you can leave. Remember the guy that was pushing me to get involved in the local start-up scene? Yeah, well he’s persistent, I’ll give him that. I bumped into him after starting the training and it turns out he’s on a course in the same place as me... I go to one networking event. Fast forward a week and I’m juggling opportunities that frankly, I don’t know if I have the time to take them all on. For the first time in my career I might have to start saying “No” to people. Fucked up if you ask me. It’s such a weird feeling when you’re after emerging from underground where the majority of the human contact you get is the old “D’ya want tay?” that I’d feel obliged to give every 30-odd minutes when I’d be making myself a delicious caffeinated beverage.

Anyway...

Now I’m on a pretty solid track to full time employment with the option for some side hustle along the way. Pretty good deal if you ask me...

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coffeecupandteatime · 7 years ago

Text

Obscure Reviews #3

It’s time to spork fics and ruin lives.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ'✿,｡･:*:❀･ﾟ'❁

Oh? We’re back already? Whelp, let’s start the shitshow again. I’m Jagerbomb, your favorite alcoholic caffeinated drink, bringing you the review of a story that you could call the My Immortal of Attack on Titan.

Welcome. I’m Coffee. Fuhuhuhuhuhuhu~ Consider this a proper welcome to the party. Though glossing over this, it doesn’t deserve such a title, yet.

Shush it you, you bloody wanker.

Well anyway, hello all, I’m Tea.

WHERE’S MY EMOTICON!?

You mean this? (ง •̀_•́)ง

(ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง YEAH! FIGHT ME!

DON’T MAKE ME GET THE PAN!!!!

As usual we will be incredibly offensive. Don’t take it too personally.

9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!

And now we present The Wolf of Trost. Only God can save us now.

Chapter 1: Struggle for Trost: The two monsters

Oh god, what the fuck is this?

The fuck is that?

The fuck are THOSE?

I do not own Attack on Titan, I only own Jacob Patrick and his very deadly secret. Here's a quick Bio on my OC and his (lowercase)Secret (halfway.) Some things will be different due to me adding my OC. (No period, lowercase) And to keep my plot line and idea original.

Oh joy, disclaimers. What the fuck do I say here??

Where do we begin? How about with his ~deadly secret~?

I’m gonna be honest, it feels like he’s trying too hard to be edgy.

Name: Jacob Patrick II.

You know what, I forgot about the shit that happened in this. I should lay off the drinks.

Age: 15. Height: 6"2'.

Christ in a handbasket. Fifteen years old and already 6’ 2”. It’s not impossible, but unlikely.

That’s a little young to fight titans.

Didn’t they all leave training at 15?

No, I don’t think so; you’ll have to look it up.

(ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง FIGHT ME

(ง •̀_•́)ง BRING IT!

Let’s just focus on the story.

Weight: 125 LBS. Hair Color: Jet Black, Wild and to his shoulders, bangs cover left eye.

That sounds inconvenient for titan-fighting.

Eyes: Right eye is a deep calming blue, while the left is bright, glowing yellow with a slight pupil.

You, my friend, have won the Special Snowflake award.

What the fuck is a slight pupil? ಠ益ಠ ENGLISH FUCKER!

Skin Color: Pale white.

So not only is your vision halved by your ridiculous hair, but you’ll also burn like my steady-growing hatred for this fic.

Birth-date: October 10th.

Aw damn, all the jokes could have been made if you said the 31th.

You have jokes?

Appearance: Slim bodied, canines are extremely sharp (Sharp enough to bite into a Titan's hide), fingernails are one inch long claws that are very sharp. Narrow waist, Thin arms and legs and slightly pointed ears.

A painful existence.

I know what was written, but I can’t get the idea of this OC going “OMNOMNOM!”. Imagine this kid dangling off a titan by his teeth and the titan just looks at him with this deadpan expression, unsure of what to do.

Special Skills: With his thin body he is extremely agile and flexible, making him one of the best at using the 3D Maneuvering gear and Blades.(NO PERIOD, LOWERCASE) Though most have seen him running UP the SIDES of the Walls and buildings. His thin frame means less resistance while running, making his speed triple above our fastest soldier. (He can) Can jump very far, close to thirty feet. He's always been able to scan the Titan's and find ways to trick them and trap them. One last skill he has is very secret and no one knows it.

Why is up and sides capitalized? We know what the gear allows you to do.

Because it ADDS unnecessary EMPHASIS.

ಠ益ಠ This angers me greatly. He’s a goddamn Mary Sue.

Couldn’t just write a normal human boy, could you?

Most Notable Quotes: " I'ma (I’m) gonna make me a Titan burger!"

Seriously?

Permission to prepare the noose?

Permission granted.

" Yahooooooooo!"

This is kinda ripping off Naruto.

This is reminding me of those people who do Bigfoot calls.

Now we combine those together.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ'✿,｡･:*:❀･ﾟ'❁ Combining. Result: Cringeworthy.

" Oh bite my skinny ass!"

Is this supposed to be a Bender reference?

NAAAAAAH YOU DON’T SAY? Speaking of which, watching Futurama right now.

" One does not anger the beast without being mauled."

One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Good Lord why?

*coughs*Tryhard*coughs*

Ya know what? I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna poke the bear. *poke poke*

*loud inhale* You did it!

" Hurt my friends...And you'll see why they call me a freak!"

What friends? You have made yourself out to be a rather unpleasant main character.

SHOTS FIRED.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)▄︻̷̿┻̿═━一

and the ever famous Jacob Patrick II song he sings when(One word)ever drunk (which is a(Separate words)lot)

" Oh I'm gonna get that booty!"

NO.

Pffft- This would be gold it weren’t serious.

I have to agree with that. It’s almost as bad as My Immortal. Also, why is a fifteen year old drinking?

Because that’s what the cool kids do. (⌐■_■)

Personality: Out(ONE WORD)going, happy go lucky, lived on the streets since he was four, which in turn allowed Jacob's body to thin and slim due to having to steal food, clothes and books to survive and learn.

I think we’re mixing up personality with backstory and then further mixing it with appearance.

Seriously? Everything past happy go lucky has absolutely nothing to do with personality. They are also living in a society where you contribute to society, they wouldn’t let him live on the streets unless he was completely useless.

Looks like someone doesn’t understand the show.

No one will let you get away with theft is the point.

Jacob's dark secret allow caused the color of his left eye, his claws, pointed ears and sharp canines, but it has also made him prone to rage fueled attacks at random times.

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ GET THIS SHIT OUTTA MY FACE!

So, I’m going to take a wild guess and say his secret has something to do with werewolves.

I mean, it’s so obvious. I read ahead...We have weirdness next chapter.

FFFFFFF- ┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻

He's loyal to his friends and super protective over them.

Now I remember. Give me a drink please.

Would you like a fancy cocktail?

-,- That ain’t no man’s drink woman.

Don’t complain. Anything is better than nothing.

A lot of people call him insane, which is true.

*Squints suspiciously* “Insane”, eh?

What? That’s not insanity, that’s just acting like a kid.

He'll do and say the most random things.

LOL IM SO RANDOM

HAHAHHA LOOK AT ME!

There you guys go, Jacob's Bio. NOW GET TO READING DAMMIT!

Rude. You know what? I won’t read it. JUST TO SPITE YOU.

*coughs*Asshole*coughs*

" Humans speaking" ' Human thoughts or flashbacks.' Time skips or locations. " Titans sounds and roars."

Okay, different text types. Fucking kill me now please. Is this necessary? Can’t just - I don’t know - write? Yep, just hold the readers’ hands some more like they just learned how to read this trash.

Apparently Author doesn’t think we can tell what’s what.

We are evidently blind.

____________________________________________________________

(Jacob’s POV) Year 850. Trost, 2:45.

I just love it when writers think they have to announce whose perspective it is. I mean, it’s not like we could have figured it out by ourselves or anything.

Me, Armin and Eren (Him and Armin are two of my three friends)

*Prolonged sigh* Show, don’t tell. Show, don’t tell. Show, doN’T TELL. SHOW, DON’T TELL.

Coffee… Do I need to get Katherine’s pan to smack this author?

…..Yes, probably. No correction, absolutely. Get the pan.

were running across the roofs of houses and buildings, well they had their 3D Maneuvering gear ready to scale the next building while I could just jump up on to (Onto. Spellcheck is your friend) it.

Right, right, right. Why would the OC need something that everyone else needs? Guess who earned a gold star for a “very good job”! ☆

HURRAY! Good job buddy!

I look back to see a Titan jump up and bite Eren's leg off.

What..? There was no prior indication that this was a problem. We’re just… going right to it, eh? Skipping everything else and interjecting Gary Stu into only the important, plot related stuff, huh?

Author is costing on plot hoping readings fill in the gaps.

Armin screamed out to him while I turned around and jumped the gap between my building and the roof with Eren, I slashed the Titan's nape as it turned to attack me, (AND) it fell with a loud thud.

Fucking Mary Sues man. Fucking run on sentences. Armin must’ve been screaming for some time while the OC did all of that.

Well all Armin does IS scream so I assume he’s good at it.

No, he screams Eren a lot, let’s get it right.

" Eren!" I shouted as I land next to him. " Are you ok man?", my answer was Eren smacking my with the hilt of his left Blade.

Sure, he lost a leg, I’m sure he’s fine bud.

Tis only a flesh wound.

Monty Python away!

YAY!

" Of course not. But I'm fine, just go protect Armin!" Eren shouts at me. ' HE'S MISSING A FUCKING LEG AND SAYS HE'S ALRIGHT!?' I scream in my head as I jump back to stop a 10m Titan from eating Armin, who was still running. I raise my Blades high above my head, opened my mouth and shouted.

*Tying noose around neck while whistling* Hard to tell who's worse, Katherine or Jacob. Either way I’mma go on vacation. *kicks stool*

" I'MA GONNA MAKE ME A TITAN BURGER!"

LAAAAAAAAAAAAME

That is a really lame catchphrase.

Why did I think of a Simpsons character?

My Blades came down on the Titans nape, I worked fast to carve the nape out and slay the monster. " You don't eat my friends (COMMA) bitch!" I exclaim while flipping the dead Titan off.

How old are you? Twelve?

Remember, angsty teen must always flip at least one thing per episode.

Yes, lets flip of the creature that’s already dead. Was there even a gesture for this back then?

I look over at Armin and laugh, only to realize he had made his way to Eren (I guess while I was distracted he saw a Titan close to Eren).

You guess. And what’s wrong with him going to support Eren? It’s not like he can just walk out of there. Nope, just gonna leave him there to die I suppose.

For plot! :D KILL ME!

Such a good friend.

I jump the gap, only to be too late as I see a grey bearded Titan EAT Eren, leaving only his arm, which had hit Armin in the face. To be honest I have to admit that it was comical.

HAHAHA, MY FRIEND JUST GOT EATEN AND MY OTHER FRIEND IS PROBABLY TRAUMATIZED! HAHAHA SO FUNNY!

HOLY SHIT IT’S SANTA TITAN! But I’mma admit, I did laugh when the arm hit Armin.

" EREN!" Armin and I shouted.

Noooooo not the overly angry German! Nooooo!

It’s better for him this way. Goodnight, sweet prince.

I knew there was only way to save him…

Do I need to say anything about this or..?

Best to leave it be.

but it was too risky and he would probably die of blood loss if I wasn't fast enough.

I assume this Only Way was to A: Kill the Titan or B: The Deadly Secret. Fuck I don’t care anymore! COFFEE! GIVE ME THE RUM!

You better share.

Would you like ice with that?

Of course boss. I always share -,-

So I cursed myself for not helping but ran and picked up Armin before the Titan could get him. Armin was to (TOO) shocked to notice anything.

“I can’t do anything about this except for the fact that I can and no, this may or may not bother me in the near future. If it does, it’ll be for the ANGST. Oh, right Eren’s dead, better save my other not-friend so it looks like I accomplished something.”

“Look at me! I’m the Stu! Everyone should just accept the things I do and not question it!”

You cursed yourself for not helping? You didn’t have a problem about not helping before.

' Eren...I'm sorry... But I WILL kill every last Titan to avenge you!' I thought as I quickly escape the Titan.

Whelp, he’s dead. Better say something to remind the audience that they were friends with as little emotion as possible and vowing revenge.

*coughs*OVERACHIEVER!*coughs*

Revenge fixes all Titan problems. If not satisfied, you’ll get your money back guaranteed! Just pay two payments for the low low price of 19,999,999,999,999,999,999.99! Pay processing and handling.

In fifteen minutes I found Connie Springer, Sasha Blouse, Ymir, Annie Leonhart, Jean Kirstein, Bertolt Hoover, Reiner Braun, Krista Lenz and Mikasa Ackerman (My other friend and secret crush).

Ha, who needs these losers? It’s not like their actual characters with depth or deserving of any actual description or personality. Who cares? Just drop their names and we’re good. Am I right?

AHAHHAHHAHAHA, Cos yes, nobody knows who any of these people are now so let’s add a sentence of just names.

And of course Mikasa is targeted for “love interest”. Mikasa’s first priority is Eren’s safety; the Stu wouldn’t stand a chance. Get out while you can.

-is being sucked into a black hole- Coffee! HELP!

Shhhhh, it’s better this way.

I drop Armin as I put my hands on my knees and pant heavily while the others all come over to us, mostly to see what was wrong with Armin. Mikasa came up to me, (PERIOD) I could see the worry in her eyes.

They all walked together in a collective bunch. Clearly they’re not busy with anything like titans in the city.

Speaking of eyes, I need to drench mine in bleach.

" Where(APOSTROPHE)s Eren!?" She asked me. I looked down at my feet, still panting.

I don’t know, probably digesting inside Santa’s belly.

Maybe if you weren’t standing around waiting for the plot to come to you, you’d know.

" Titan.. (CAPITAL)ate...him.." I manage to breath out between breathes (breaths).

But it’s okay, because I, the main character, am safe with no emotional scars from the death of my apparent friend.

I used my fangs to scare the titan off, of course it wasn’t mentioned. Apparently.

I straighten up some more so I stood at my full six foot two height. I look down at Mikasa as her grip on her Blades tightens,(PERIOD) her eyes narrowed as she walked passed me before jumping and taking off with her gear.

To get away from all of these run on sentences.

To get away from the Stu or Stus.

To get away from the plot.

" MIKASA!" I shout as I try to grab her ankle, but she was just out of my reach.

Good!

RUN MIKASA! RUN!

I look back at the group and stare at them all, my bangs moved out of the way of my left eye. The bright glowing,(NO COMMA) slit pupiled yellow eye bore holes into the group's souls. I spoke one command in a deep and dark voice. My sharp canines gleamed in the sun's light.

If you were any edgier, you’d be a triangle.

Any edgier then that and he’d be a pyramid

He keeps mentioning his bangs so much that he’s become a tassel. A toothy, triangle, little tassel.

I could swear to God that I saw Ymir turn a ghost white.

Your angst is scaring them. Stop.

Oh god not shiny fangs!

" Stay with Armin."

“He’s pretty much useless.”

“I, the Stu, shall retrieve Mikasa alone!”

With that I jumped off after Mikasa. I dropped my gear (Keeping my Blades)

You don’t need parenthesis if you juST WRITE PROPERLY.

-Tosses empty bottle away- Whelp we’re outta rum again.

by the group as I did so. ' Mikasa...please don't get eaten or killed'" YAHOOOOOOOO!" Was heard by the group as Jacob soon disappeared from their sight.

Why are you referring to yourself in the third person? If this becomes a problem, Coffee is going to kick your ass, just as sure as she’s tearing apart your awful writing skills.

Permission to prepare the ceremonial noose, ma’am?

Permission granted

(Below is the thought the rest of 104th Trainees Squad)

' Did that just happen?'

Actual writing; who needs it?

Gee I don’t know, did it? Cos if there was action and words, it happened.

(Back to Jacob's POV)

You never changed perspective in the first place.

ಠ_ಠ My brain hurts.

I jumped from roof to roof after Mikasa, I had to dropped my gear to make myself lighter

YOU JUST DROPPED YOUR GEAR BEFORE THIS DAMMIT!

┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻

, even while I run at full speed (Which Dot Pixis had recorded to be close to 50 mph, without any gear on)

You want to know how fast Usain Bolt can run at maximum? 28 mph. You’re trying to convince us that this Gary Stu can run almost TWICE as fast as the fastest runner without much training or experience?

I’m calling God mode. Someone get an admin. Oh wait, I am one.

I couldn't keep up with her.

For plot convenience.

Even though I could’ve used my gear to catch up with her, why did I think RUNNING would help? Oh, just to SHOW OFF MY STU-NESS!

I could tell she was using her gas in large bursts to increase her speed. Bad idea cos (BECAUSE, YOU CRETIN) you lose A(SEPARATE WORDS)LOT of gas that way. I growl in a very wolf-like manner

Wink wink, nudge nudge, tap tap, hit hit, SCROTAL PUNCH

We need a gif for a nut shot, PRONTO!

as I grip my Blades tighter, causeing (CAUSING) the hilts to creak and break, I drop them as I close my eyes in frustration... Bad idea again. I'm quickly grabbed by a Titan, a 15m Smiling Titan. ' This can't be happening!'

THE END

HAHAHAHAHHA NOPE!

" MIKASA!" I shouted out to her...but I think she didn't hear me over the sounds of dead Titans falling down.

She didn’t respond because she doesn’t care about you.

She saw you jerking off in the bushes at Training Camp -,-

The massive jaws close down, just missing my head... I slid down it's (ITS) throat to my doom.

Suspiciously sounds like what happened to Eren a few paragraphs ago.

So original.

' I never even got to tell Mikasa that I loved her...'

…Seriously?

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ FUCK IT!

Your waifu will never know. At least she can’t point-blank reject you.

Time skip: Where Mikasa has only a single Blade left and is cornered by a Titan.

Yay, more lazy writing. FUCK YOU

DAMMIT!

(Nobody's POV)

Who the hell is Nobody and why aren’t they the main character instead?

Nobody is my favorite person.

Best character.

Mikasa stood back up from her knees, Eren's words about fighting for survival echoing in her mind. She was about to try and charge at the Titan when a 15m Titan with a muscular build, fleshless jaw that revealed the odd arangment (ARRANGEMENT) of teeth, bright emerald eyes, pointed ears and long brownish black hair ran out from behind her and slammed a fist into the other Titan's head. The result was a dead Titan and a new one standing over the body, screaming/roaring.

Well, that escalated quickly.

No smooth transition! EVER!

" NNNNNAAAAGGGHHH" (YOU TRY SPELLING OUT A TITAN SCREAM/ROAR!)

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH! Did I do it? (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

Mikasa stared on in shock at seeing a Titan kill another of it's (ITS) kind. The new Titan ran of (OFF), searching for more Titans to kill. Mikasa shook her head and used her gear and little amounts of gas to find the others.

What about Eren? Mikasa, focus! That’s why you ran off in the first place.

I’m sure everyone else is still on that singular roof.

To her shock they were still were Jacob had dropped Armin off. " Why are you all still here?" She questioned. Connie answered for everyone.

That’s what I want to know.

Called it.

" After you took off Jacob's bangs moved away from his left eye...it...it.. IT BORE HOLES IN OUR SOULS MAN!"

Much like how this story bores holes into my brain.

His hair moved and you saw his differently colored eyeball. Oh no, the horror. *deadpan*

Oh dear lord save us all. -___-

The teen shouted.

So, I have this rant I’ve been holding in for awhile.

Are you KIDDING me? You FUCKING ESTABLISHED who was talking already! Why do you feel the need to refer to him as “the teen” instead of giving him a proper description? THAT IS LAZY WRITING. ALSO do not use “shouted” or any other verbs as dialogue tags! Do you have any idea how awful that is to read? ALSO, is Connie a FUCKING FLOATING HEAD or something? Is he doing ANYTHING ELSE besides standing around and SCREAMING? WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS?! Are they just standing around too? GOD DAMN IT.

YOU’RE A LAZY ASS WRITER! I HAVE SEEN LITTLE TO NO ACTUAL PLOT LINE WHAT SO EVER! I get this was written in 2014 but that’s no excuse!

Ymir rolled her eyes, smacked Connie upside his bald head and looked at Mikasa.

I assume with a look of disdain paralleling the current state of my face right now.

The Pan can help with that.

The pan always helps. (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

" Your friend Jacob left his 3D Maneuvering gear and ran off after you,(PERIOD)

“Good riddance, right?”

Yes we know, it was stated that he dropped his gear…..twice.

My brain hurts. COFFEE! ANOTHER ROUND OF RUM! Shit forgot, Tea didn’t buy any more. DAMMIT! BRING VODKA!

he told us to stay with Armin in this...this...just overpowering voice. Even Annie and Reiner stayed."

Apparently no one has the balls to oppose the Stu. Or were they sincerely hoping that he’d get himself killed?

I mean, I’m pretty sure Reiner could beat the hell out of Stu. Wait, read ahead, he can’t, Stu gets worse.

The tall girl said. Mikasa looked surprised. Jacob had followed her... Then it hit her.

Turns out a titan had found them standing around in a big group and decided to have a light snack.

GOOD END 1

HAPPY ENDING!

" Wait, if he followed me but didn't come back that must mean that..(... CAN’T EVEN DO ELLIPSES RIGHT) Oh God no.." She fell to her knees, a small tear made its way down her cheek.

Why is she crying for this Stu? And she just forgets about Eren?

Nobody likes the Angry German.

Everyone looked at her.

“Sorry Mikasa. You’ve been infected by OOC syndrome. I’m afraid we have to put you out of your misery.”

Could be worse, she could’ve been the Draco to Ebony.

I believe you mean “Enoby”

" 'Oh God no' what?" Sasha asked, her eyes filled with fright. Armin looked up from his spot, still having tears in his eyes. ' Where(APOSTROPHE)s Jacob... W-Whose gear is that..?' Where (WERE) his thoughts.

Really Armin? Did you not pay any attention to the Stu’s display of teenage edginess?

Armin was too busy being the only character traumatized by his friend’s death.

" I think what Ackerman-san is trying to say is that it's quite possible that Patrick-san was eaten by a Titan." Said Annie as she stood up and dusted herself off,

Since when was Annie Japanese?

“This is anime, so they must all be Japanese right?”

She’s Russian right? Either way “Since this is an anime I have to use Japanese honorifics.”

Ymir nodded in agreement while everyone else had horrified looks.

Everyone should take a page from Ymir’s book and not give a fuck. Remind me again why anyone cares for the Stu?

Maybe he was a fun person at camp?

Because he is “Author-Avatar-san”. He is loved by all.

" But what I want to know is why Mikasa took off." Sasha said as she wiped a tear away.

Where were you, Sasha? Weren’t you right there when the Stu revealed that Eren was eaten?

She was busy eating bread and taters.

In her defense, who doesn’t like bread and potatoes? They are significantly more interesting than this drivel.

DAMN.

Mikasa herself answered While (LOWERCASE) she wiped he small tears away. " Jacob...he told he and Armin saw a Titan eat Eren." This time everyone (minus Annie and Ymir) gasped. Connie stood up.

WHAAAAAAAAAT? WHAT WERE YOU ALL DOING? WHERE YOU ALL ENAMOURED BY PAINT DRYING OR SOMETHING? YOU WERE STANDING THERE. HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW THIS ALREADY?

YAY FOR DRY PAINT!

" Now what?! HQ is overrun with Titans so we can't get gas! Jacob, who was one of the best trainees,

Of course he was, but we wouldn’t know that because it was never established in the story!

Sure, I can he would be a good Trainee… If he wasn’t such a damn Stu! WHY THE FUCK DOES HE NEED ABSURD SKILL!?

is dead along with Eren!

You know, just as a side note.

Cos I’m sure we all forgot Eren again.

We(APOSTROPHE)re all going to die!" The worried teen exclaimed.

Why must you test me so?

-Hands rum- Here, helps with headaches till the morning.

Everyone nodded their heads in agreement seeing as this was true. Then Mikasa remembered that new rouge(SPACE)Titan she saw.

“Oh right, that thing seemed kind of important. I probably should have said something sooner, but for some reason, I needed to cry and sniffle over that Stu.”

“But I’m sure they’ll see eventually.”

" Wait... When I was cornered by a Titan a 15m class Titan came out of nowhere and KILLED the other Titan." She said. Everyone looked at her like she was crazy. Reiner spoke this time. " Don't be stupid Ackerman, Titans don't kill their own kind."

“-Despite the fact you’re probably one of the most trustworthy people here and the city is under attack. We just might have believed you if you weren’t infected with OOC syndrome.”

Sums that situation up nicely.

Annie nodded in agreement. Mikasa rolled her eyes and spoke again. " If we could lure this new Titan to the HQ we could use it to kill the other Titans. And if you don't believe me look behind yourselves." And just as she said that everyone turned around just in time to see the rouge Titan punch the head of another 15m Titan off.

This story gives me current traumatic stress disorder.

YAY~! -kicks stool and hangs again.-

Everyone looked surprised till Mikasa took off again, most regained their wits and followed her, leaving Armin and Connie.

And they didn’t leave because…?

Well so did Armin go with the them or is he still being a bitch?

" Come on Armin, lets help the others with Mikasa's plan." Connie said, as he helped the still shocked blonde up as they looked down at Jacob's now missing gear. ' Mikasa must of picked it up.' Connie thought as he and Armin followed the others to carry out Mikasa's idea.

Well, that was pointless.

(ʘ‿ʘ) I really want to burn this.

Just as they had all left, the very same Titan that ate Jacob appeared, but something was off... It's smile was some(THIS IS ONE WORD, JACKASS)how a frown.

Simultaneously. A smiling frown if you will. Otherwise known as an oxymoron.

Herpaderp! Look at me creating impossible expressions!

Then there was a deep, primal and beastial (BESTIAL) growl, but it wasn't the Titan.

It’s okay. I’m fine. I can handle this. I swear.

Oh god… Here we go again.

Then all of a sudden the Titan exploded as something ripped it's (ITS. THE WORD YOU WANT IS ITS) way out of it's (ITS, AS IN POSSESSIVE PRONOUN NOT IT IS) stomach.

It’s a-me, Hercules~.

Once the Titan's blood stopped falling from the skies (COMMA) a very strange creature roared into the skies, the roar was loud, primal and sounded like a Grizzly Bear's roar mixed with a wolves howling.

KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT.

BURN IT WITH FIRE!

The creature was fifteen meters tall, it had a wolf-like head with two very large canines poking out from it's (ITS) lips. It's body was muscular and man like, but it was covered in shaggy jet black fur, the arms came down to it's (ITS. ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER)waist, but the hands were not man like. They had a due claw instead of a thumb, meaning the four finger like toes had to do the gripping, each of which had razor sharp claws that were two feet in length. The creature's legs were like a dog's hind legs, the feet were large paws with claws, (AND) there was no tail. But what stood out was (WERE, UNLESS THIS SON OF A BITCH WAS A CYCLOPS) the monster's eyes.

It was almost as if the monster was saying “Do it now, kill me. Come on, kill me. I’m right here. Kill me now.”

It’s hands stop at its waist? BWAAHAHAHAHHA! IT HAS BABY ARMS!

Can anybody say wannabe werewolf?

The right one was a deep blue with a round pupil and glowed while the left was a bright glowing yellow with a slit pupil.

Wait a minute. I recognize those angsty-borderline-constipated looks! Y’know, with a slit pupil…

Shouldn’t that say slight? Like in his bio?

Nope because who needs consistency?

The monster roared again as it dropped to all fours and charged towards a large group of Titans, a group that was in front of 104th Trainees Squad.

Let’s just do a mic check here.

Wow, that must have been some high quality paint watching if they didn’t notice titans approaching.

Or if they didn’t hear this thing roar twice.

As the wolf-like creature got closer the pounding of it's (ITS. USE THE SPELLCHECK) paws on solid ground got louder, this in turn caused Connie to look back. His entire face became a ghost white.

Becoming a ghost is your only way out.

Cos he’s Danny Phantom.

Oh, so I guess this hand grenade won’t work then?

Don’t waste our last grenade dammit.

The flamethrower then?

Y’all are running my joke into the ground.

He shouted out in horror. " WHAT THE FUCKING HELL THAT THING!?"

“WHY AREN’T WE KILLING IT?!”

PLOT CONVINCE!

This fic is painful to read.

At Connie's shout everyone else looked back as the creature bounded up to them, then past them, then right into the group of 15m Titans, and there at least six of them.

“Oh shit. Did you guys notice that? I didn’t.”

“Did you guys remember those roars we heard? No? Okay!”

EVERYONE

MORE UNNECESSARY EMPHASIS

YAY~!

was shocked to see the furry beast lunge past them and into a group of Titans of the same size. But were more shocked to see it land on it's (ITS) hind legs and stand upright like a human. The trainees stopped and landed on a nearby roof.

“Hang on a second! Let’s take a selfie!”

“Duck faces everyone!”

" Someone answer me! What IS that THING!?" Connie yelled at the others. Ymir looked over at the creature and stated the most obvious thing.

Relax, Connie. If you keep asking questions like that, you all just might have to do your job.

Lord forbid we actually use our training and get in Stu Wolf’s way.

So we’re just going to stand around and stare like a dead fish….?

" Well obviously it's a giant wolf." Pretty much everyone sighed at the statement.

It’s clear that literally no one cares enough to do anything besides state the obvious.

-bashes head in wall-

" We can see that, Ymir." Reiner said.

“Still not doing anything about it though.”

Mikasa looked over the Titans and wolf-beast. The monster had it'(NO APOSTROPHE)s jaws on a Titan's throat out, ripping it out before swiping it's (ITS. OTHERWISE YOU’RE SAYING IT IS) claws across the Titan's nape, killing it. Then another Titan bit into the creature's shoulder. The result was a pain filled roar, which drew the attention of a new comer. The Wolf turned around and tore into the attacking Titan. A new sound filled the air as the Rouge Titan, the one that saved Mikasa, jumped over the building with the trainees on it and onto another Titan, punching it's (ITS FOR FUCK’S SAKE) head off in the process. The wolf creature lifted it's (ITS *RAGE*) head up it's (ITS. SILENCE! I KILL YOU) kill, it was eating a dead Titan, to stare at the new comer.

So Mikasa, didn’t you have a plan or something? Does your plan involve sitting and staring as the plot progresses in front of you?

How can you eat a Titan if their body’s literally starts decaying right after death?

Both wolf creature and Titan had a small stare down. (COMMA, NOT PERIOD) Which then ended as they both went to killing the Titans.

“HAHA, GLAD THAT’S OVER. KILL YOU SOME OTHER TIME, GARY STU.”

“NICE MEETING YOU BUDDY!” Is only what I imagine they said.

(Mikasa's POV) I stared at the gory and brutal battle in front of me and the others.

“I have become quite skilled at this.”

“I should start a business.”

Connie was shaking, Armin pretty much almost entered a shock induced coma and everyone else were (WAS) either shocked or scared for their lives.

“Seriously, we’re just as lazy as this writing.”

Yes watching a bunch of creatures being brutally murdered could be scarring. BUT YOU ARE TRAINED FOR THIS! TAKE ACTION!

A shock induced coma? You could just say, oh I don’t know, PASSED OUT.

I turned back when I saw the large monster wolf start to eat a dead Titan like it hadn't eaten in a month. I look at the others.

“Hey, do guys wanna go grab some burgers or something?”

Again, you can’t eating a body that decays rapidly.

" We can't stay here, we need to get out of here while they kill the last Titan! C'mon!" With that I took off with the others in tow. Behind us I could hear the wolf's monstrous roar and the Rouge (ROGUE) Titan's screaming/roaring.

Quickly now! Run with your tail between your legs!

Okay, this is really hurting my brain.

The eye's (EYES) of that giant wolf thing looked so familiar... But I can't put a thumb on it.

“Weird, it’s almost like that angsty loser that got eaten earlier. I hope he doesn’t come back in some convoluted werewolf-wish-fulfillment that has absolutely no place in this world…”

*coughs*readahead!*coughs*

(Nobody's POV)

Nobody is the best character. Oh yes, they are the best.

As the trainees left, the last 15m Titan was killed by the Rouge (ROGUE. SPELL CHECK MOTHERFUCKER) Titan. The large wolf then dropped to all fours and ran off towards HQ, which had many Titans around it. The Rouge followed, but it wanted to also kill the large wolf monster as well.

“NO HARD FEELING BRO, BUT I’M GONNA KILL YOU AFTERWARDS.”

“NAH MAN THAT’S OKAY!

Time Skip: After All the Titans inside and outside HQ are killed.

Wolf beast and Titan, both fifteen meters tall, both deadly...both had kill in their eyes.

You might want to rinse out your eyes before they get infected. On second thought, don’t.

Too late! -rips eyes out and dips them in bleach-

Then in a powerful lungeing (LUNGING) punch the Rouge (ROGUE YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE TECHNOLOGY. USE IT) had knocked the Wolf down, then the Rouge jumped onto the Wolf's chest before repeatedly punching it's chest and head. This in turned angered the creature a(TWO SEPARATE WORDS)lot M(LOWERCASE)ore then(THAN) it already was.

FINISH HIM.

K-K-K-KOMBO BREAKER

In a stroke of seconds

It was a backstroke to get away from this trash.

In a stroke of seconds Stu was finished with his bush.

the Wolf had turned the tables by using it's powerful hind legs to kick the Titan in the gut, causing said Titan to be thrown off and into the side of HQ, this caused the Trainees and some Garrison cadets to stumble in their places and some rubble to fall down to the Wolf roared it's Grizzly Bear/Wolf howl roar, this caused a few 10m Titans run out all directions and to attack both the Rouge and Wolf, both were throwing Titans at the other or trying to hit the other with a dead Titan.

(Coffee.exe has stopped working.)

Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?

Don’t waste dammit.

Soon the smaller Titans were dead or thrown away like broken toys. The rest of the fight lasted ten minutes as Titan and giant mammal brutally attacked the other. Large bodies slammed into each(SEPARATE WORDS)other. Body parts were lost and teeth knocked out of jaws. Bones were broken.

Cos y’know, can’t have a fight without extensive damage.

What’s a description?

The Rouge was missing it's (ITSITSITSITSITSITS) left arm from the elbow and down and it's face was badly damaged, there were dozens of deep claw marks all over the Titan's muscular body.

All this isn’t needed.

Too much detail on literally everything that isn’t important.

The Wolf was missing it's (ITS MOTHERFUCKER) whole right arm, its

left eye and a few teeth. Hell it was missing some patches of it's (ITS, I THOUGHT WE MADE PROGRESS, GOD DAMMIT) jet black fur. There were some broken bones within the beast's body.

Seriously, stop.

Yeesh, stop. We get it already.

You just love prattling on and on don’t you?

Both were on their knees and panting heavily... Soon they both fell forwards. As soon as they hit the ground steam rose from both monsters. Soon there was a large cloud of steam.(COMMA) Hiding the large bodies.

FINALLY!

YES! DEAD, JUST THE WAY IT SHOULD BE!

Our prayers have been answered!

Everyone on HQ's roof stared in disbelief.

They quickly went back to doing nothing.

Yay, more painting drying!

They just saw the two monsters that helped them fight against their enemy fall down after both gained severe injuries. Mikasa's eyes widened when the steam cleared just enough to reveal the large bodies were halfway decaying with flesh still on the head and shoulders. But on the napes of both necks were two 'lumps'

I hope those lumps aren’t more cancer.

It is cancer. Stu cancer.

I’ll get the chemo ready.

The 'lumps' moved and tore as two human's (HUMANS) emerged halfway from the napes of the necks. Everyone in 104th Trainees Group knew who the people were.

Cos the Trainees can see that far clearly.

They have suddenly become more aware of their surrounds as soon as the action was over.

Eren Yeager and Jacob Patrick II, the supposed dead trainees.

Couldn’t just have stayed dead.

Tbh, I hate both of them. Stu’s just worse for being a damn OP copy of Angry german.

At least there isn’t more of the OC running around.

Mikasa jumped off the roof and ran towards Eren's semi-conscious body. " EREN!" She cried as she removed him from the nape fully and held him. Mean(ONE COMPLETE WORD ASSHOLE)while everyone turned and looked to see that Jacob was fully conscious and fully out of the nape.

Who gives a fuck about Eren? The Stu true main character is alive.

Whose Eren? The Angry German?

His already pale skin was even paler, like he was drained of life.

Eren, you would have been spared from this atrocity if you had died.

The Stu allows no deaths. o,,,,,o

But his eyes shone bright before they closed and he fell unconscious and almost face first into the pavement if he wasn't caught by Mikasa, who had Eren over her shoulder.

“Oh no, the Stu that I care about for some reason, even though Eren has always been my first priority and I really have no valid reason to care about the Stu in the first place.”

The one time Mikasa didn’t forget Eren was just to sling him over her shoulder like a dirty towel.

" JACOB!" She screamed, tears fell from her eyes more then (Than) they did when she saw Eren's body.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU DIE?”

“FOR THE PLOT BABY!”

Everyone on the roof had shocked faces... They just couldn't believe it... Jacob and Eren... both were monsters

The Stu more so. All the more reason to shoot on sight.

OH NO! Cos it wasn’t obvious Jacob was the wolf!

. (CAPITAL LETTER) one was what their enemy was and the other a very large canine monster. Only Mikasa was crying as she held both males close to her, one certain multi-color eyed boy had one final thought, seeing as she was holding them close to her chest, his head right one her...*coughs*..assests (ASSETS)..*coughs*.

Her financial assets.

PLOT TWIST, those weren’t Mikasa’s breasts. They were Armin’s.

PLOT TWIST! They were Bertolt’s sweet buttocks.

'Score...'

Those were his final thoughts before he was smothered to death.

Everyone wants to die by them tig ol’ bitties.

____________________________________________________________ PHEW! That was the longest time I've ever spent on a chapter. Well, I'll see you all next time I update. JA NI!

(◡‿◡✿) You lying piece of shit. (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK IS JA NI, YOU WEEABOO PIECE OF SHIT!

CONCLUSION

Lazy writing riddled with easy-to-spot errors, author avatar, reduction of major cast to lazy eggs, and a terrible case of OOC for all involved but easy to make fun of; I give this a 2/10.

I give this a 2/10 for lazy writing, spelling errors and putting the original cast completely out of character as well as putting a shipping where one shouldn’t exist.

Personally...I wouldn’t rate this at all, but seeing as it’s a three year old story, 0.5/10. Why? Because it shat on werewolves, AOT fans, and the anime itself.

Well, that was fun. Let’s never tackle this again. Agreed?

This story is pretty terrible, so I can agree that we should not tackle any more of this. There are more chapters though so I say light it on fire.

Yeah I’m not doing this hell again. ONTO THE NEXT STORY DAMMIT! We need more drinks again. Tea forgot to bring the rum. ಠ╭╮ಠ

-Coffee, Tea, and Jagerbomb

#AoT fanfiction #bad fanfiction #obscure review #fanfiction review #sporking

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