#Anyway about the whole stay away from children thing..... yeah sorry

[agender-vampling]

stay away from children. or consider suicide

Fun fact! I tried! You can read about that in This Post! But I doubt you care! I doubt you're still here! I doubt you even felt obligated to see if I WOULD try AGAIN to die!

I won't! Been there done that didn't work! I am meant to be alive because if I wasn't I wouldn't be!

[youunravelme]

to all the girls you've loved before part seven

author's note: WHEW okay i am so sorry it took five days short of a year to finish this. what a wild ride it has been! i just wanted to shout out my dear friend @dani746 who has cheered me on (and roasted me) many times throughout this process. i probably wouldn't have finished this without you. i also want to shout out my other friend @thewintersoldierdisaster who helped me process so much of this part to get it written. you both are the best and i owe you both big time! i also owe all of you who have read and reblogged and replied and liked this series over the last year and a half, you have been so amazing! anyway, here's part seven! (and not to worry, while this is the last part of the series, i will be writing more about mama bear and mat).

pairing: single dad!mat barzal x reader

summary: being a nanny for rich people was probably the worst thing that ever happened to you, until you started working for mat.

warnings: children, rich people, fear of falling in love, anxiety

day seventy-one

you arrived at sydney and matt's in thirty minutes. it probably would've taken less time had traffic not been absolutely abhorrent due to the holiday.

you thanked the driver and paid before grabbing your bag and walking out into the cold air.

in your rush, you forgot a jacket.

you stumbled up the martin's front steps, and dialed sydney's number, pointedly ignoring the five missed calls and eleven texts from mat.

"hello?" thank god sydney sounded awake.

"hey," you exhaled. "can you let me in? i need a place to stay for tonight."

you could hear her mumble something to her husband. and the door was opened thirty seconds later.

matt ushered you in without a word. sydney met you in the foyer with a crease between her brows at the sight of your jacket-less frame and the bag in your hands.

"what happened?" she asked as she led you to the living room and sat you down on a couch. a ringtone sounded and when you turned around matt was answering his phone.

your focus shifted to matt who was looking straight at you. "hey barzy," he said. "yeah, she's here." he nodded, but his eyes were focused on you and sydney. "she got here just a minute ago. no she doesn't have a jacket. syd's with her now." matt hummed into the phone. "we'll drive her to the airport tomorrow, don't worry about it."

you wanted to bury yourself into the pillows. you wanted the couch to swallow you whole.

you didn't hear the end of the conversation matt had on the phone. to be quite frank, you weren't sure you wanted to hear it at all.

matt joined you and syd on the sectional. he threw an arm around the back of the couch and the very sight of it made you sick. you loved them together, you did, that wasn't your problem.

it just reminded you how jason never did anything close to that.

or more importantly (and maybe this was your bigger concern): your shoulders felt cold without mat's arm wrapped around them.

"what happened?" matt asked. and you had to give it to him, you appreciated the "no bullshit" approach he was taking, even if you felt a little attacked.

you opened and closed your mouth repeatedly, but no words came out.

"i'm asking because barzy sounded like he was two seconds away from a full blown panic attack."

you could feel your ears getting hot. your cheeks were getting warm. you wanted to throw up.

"we kissed," you mumbled.

the martins blinked, and you had to give credit where credit was due, sydney didn't shout "i told you so." matt, though, seemed to recognize that the conversation was probably best had between you and sydney because he pressed a kiss to the side of her head and walked out of the room.

sydney nodded and cocked her head to the side. "why did you run?" she asked.

you broke eye contact to look at your hands which were furiously picking at your cuticles. you could see her move closer, leaning forward on her elbows.

sydney said your name quietly. "what happened? did he overstep a boundary? i can get matt to say something to him--"

"i kissed him," you admitted, still not looking up. "i kissed him and freaked out and ran."

“why?”

you exhaled and continued picking at your fingers. "jason said some shit that just got under my skin and now i can't stop thinking about it."

sydney waited for a moment before she spoke again. "what did he say?"

you couldn't see, and it took you a minute to realize that it was because your eyes were blurring with tears. it felt pathetic to sniffle and wallow when it was your fault.

it was all your fault.

"no it's not, honey," sydney said, sounding closer than she did a few minutes ago. you didn't even realize you had said anything. "what did your ex say to you?"

"he said mat would eventually get bored of me. whether that meant just in general or if we slept together."

"you know that's not true, right?"

you halfheartedly shrugged.

sydney was beside you now. she placed her hand on your knee and squeezed. "honey, it's not true. jason treated you like shit, if the one interaction i saw the two of you have was any indication." when you didn't reply, she sighed. "we don't have to talk about it anymore. let's get the guest room set up so you can get some sleep."

it took all of ten minutes for the guest room to be ready. you were curled into the bed moments later.

you found yourself staring at the ceiling wondering how you could've ruined your life so quickly.

you shouldn't have kissed him.

god what were you thinking.

at a professional level, he was your boss, at a technical level, he was a roommate and also—

the best guy you'd ever known.

not that it mattered at the end of the day. you kissed him and ruined any sort of relationship, professional or platonic, you could've had. you might not have been a stem girly, might not be a rocket scientist, but even you could knew that it didn't matter if the stars aligned—

there was no way mat barzal was in love with you.

so you cried yourself to sleep and dreamt of the hazel eyes that had enraptured your heart.

day seventy-two

matt drove you to the airport and thankfully said nothing about your puffy eyes and messy hair. it was safe to say you were restless all night, barely feeling like you slept at all when your alarm went off.

“do you need someone to pick you up when you get back into town?” matt asked as jfk airport approached.

you hesitated. “i hadn't thought that far ahead,” you admitted. “mat was supposed to pick me up, but i don't think he'll want to see me.” not after you ruined everything.

matt nodded. “text syd and let her know when your flight gets into town and we’ll figure something out. if not us, then i’m sure the lees can help.”

when he pulled up to the airport, you gave him a grateful smile and a small thanks before grabbing your personal item and carry on and getting out of his suv. for a brief second, you contemplated jumping back in his car and begging matt to take you back to mat and ella, but you forced your legs to carry you into the airport, telling yourself your mother would be upset if you missed your flight.

so you walked through the airport, through tsa, to your gate, onto the plane, like a zombie. you couldn't stop imagining the way mat’s lips felt against yours, couldn't stop hearing jason’s words in your head like a broken record.

and when your plane took off, you imagined and wondered how mat did it all the time. your stomach dropped as you increased in elevation. your heart lurched when you looked at your lock screen, a photo of the three of you after one of his games.

you should change it, but you loved that little girl and that photo was one time of many recent memories where you felt like you truly belonged.

you locked your phone to keep yourself from thinking about it too much.

your mom met you in your hometown’s airport with a cheesy poster with your baby pictures plastered all over it. she squealed and shoved the poster at your father in favor of nearly tackling you to the ground. you could've cried in her arms, the weight of the last few months catching up to you. for all your parents’ faults, of which there were many, it felt good to be with them again.

your mom pulled back and gave you a watery smile. her hands framed your cheeks as she pulled your head down to place a kiss in your hair. “we've missed you, sweetheart,” she said. “christmas wasn’t christmas without you.”

“missed you too, mom.”

your dad scooped up your carry on and led you to the beat up suv he'd had since you were a sophomore in high school.

the backseat felt familiar like wearing your dad’s old college t-shirt, like fitting into something you'd previously forgotten about. your parents recapped the last few months to you, as they told you about the family drama and what happened at christmas. you were only half listening, doing your best to keep up when you left your heart and mind in new york. you glanced at your parents, married for thirty years, been through their own fair share of struggles. you passively wondered if there was ever this crippling fear in their chests at the idea of loving someone else, or of even falling in love and the enormity of it.

you knew logistically you weren't the first person to fear the act of falling, but you felt so alone in it.

wasn't it crazy? humans had been falling in love for ages and yet you felt completely isolated in this feeling. you weren't the first woman to fall in love with her boss, with a single father, with an athlete. you probably weren't the first to fall in love with a man who was all of the above—

but god it felt like it.

the entire experience felt confining. you knew there were girls dating famous athletes, but they were models, or rich, or childhood sweethearts, or not as mentally fucked up as you currently felt. you were never gonna be sydney or grace or sofia or any of the other nice girls you’d met. you were a nanny, a girl who chose a useless major in a highly competitive city who couldn't handle the stress of a starbucks in new york city at 8am. then you’d gone and kissed mat and consequently felt lighter than you had in the weeks it’d been since you found out your ex cheated on you with the girl you lived with.

but as soon as it ended, you remembered seeing the rangers jersey discarded on your living room floor. you remembered the way your stomach dropped to your toes, how you wanted so badly to pretend it wasn’t happening, but the noises from your roommate’s bedroom were evidence enough.

the writing was in the stars, it was in the fucking clouds, on the fucking wall. every man you'd had been with prior, you'd realized, treated you like garbage. your high school boyfriend never texted or called you back at a reasonable time. your sophomore year of college boyfriend never fully committed, saying he was too busy during football season.

then there was jason who didn’t really show red flags until you started working for mat.

he’ll get bored of you.

“honey? you okay? you went quiet for a second.”

your mom’s voice snapped you out of whatever that mental spiral was.

you gave her your best convincing smile and nodded. “just thinking.”

“how’s that boyfriend of yours?” your dad asked. “jack? joseph?”

“jason?” you gritted out through your painfully tight smile.

your dad snapped and smiled. “that’s his name. how is he?”

“i wouldn’t know, we’re not together anymore,” you mumbled just loud enough for them to hear, but not loud enough for it to echo in your brain.

the car went silent, even as the radio crackled out some random eighties bop from when your parents were in college.

“are you okay?” your mom asked.

“i’m fine.”

day seventy-three

your parents didn't make you celebrate christmas as soon as you got into town. they, thankfully, waited a day before calling your entire extended family over to watch you open presents alone. you smiled and thanked each member for their corresponding present. you dutifully laughed at every joke and sipped at your glass of red wine in hopes that the acidity would distract you from heavier things.

like the texts from sydney asking if you were alright.

or the video from mat of ella playing with the stuffed hippo you got her. you'd watched it ten times just to hear her laugh that she definitely inherited from his childlike cackle. you couldn't help but see the scrunched up face of ella’s that was a carbon copy of her father’s. but even after all that, you still didn't have the heart to reply. what would you even say?

“aw she’s so cute! also sorry i kissed you and ran away?”

you were on your fourteenth watch of the video when he texted again.

mat: let me know when your flight is coming back into town, we’ll pick you up.

you locked your phone and took a sip of your wine. and when your cousin did a cartwheel in the middle of the living room and nearly knocked over the christmas tree? you smiled politely while her parents chided her while you tried to forget the similar stories mat’s parents told you about his childhood.

as the family members cleared out, you helped your parents clean up the common areas. you were in the kitchen with your mom loading the dishwasher when she asked the question you were dreading.

“when are you going back to new york?”

your hands nearly dropped the plate you were holding, but you recovered quickly. “i have to be back before the isles’ next roadie.” a non answer, but you didn't feel like pulling out your calendar and counting the days to see how close you were to facing the mess you left on the island.

“are you staying for new year’s?”

you didn't need to look at your calendar to know you'd already been gone for too long. you'd memorized mat’s schedule at the beginning of the season when you started working for him. his roadie started on new year’s eve.

when you did the dreaded math, you had maximum two days left before you had to head back and take care of ella like nothing had happened.

“i can’t, mat has a road trip that starts on new year’s eve.” you couldn't even look at her. “i’m sorry, mom.”

but she shrugged your apology off and hugged you from behind with a tight grip. “don't apologize, baby. i just wish you'd tell us what's going on.”

“there’s nothing going on—”

your mother said your name, a cross between gentle and chastising. “i was born at night, but not last night. i know you, i know when something’s wrong. if you don't want to talk about it, that’s fine. you're an adult. but don't lie and say you're okay.”

you nodded but didn't offer up any more information.

“when you're ready,” she said, rubbing your back. “when you're ready to talk, i’m here to listen.” your mom pressed a kiss to your cheek, squeezed your shoulders, and walked out of the kitsch, leaving you to gaze out the window over the sink.

day seventy-five

sydney picked you up from the airport at noon with a certain smile on her face that you couldn't place. the backseat was devoid of her kids, so you assumed they were with the nanny or matt was home already with the kids.

she did most of the talking, which you were thankful for. you still felt unsettled back on the island so soon. too soon, if anyone asked. there was nothing more that you wanted than to go back home and hide under the covers in your childhood bedroom, pretending that your biggest fears were monsters in the shapes of shadows from your closet doors.

you were only halfway paying attention. your thoughts were monopolized by the last memories you had before going to your parents’ house. the sound of ella’s laugh when she opened your gift, the warmth in your chest at the anders and grace’s christmas party because you felt so welcomed in by people you'd only known for a few months, the overwhelming unnamable emotion in your stomach at the photo album mat gave you, the capsizing undertow feeling of being seen and known, how mat’s lips felt against your own like every good thing you’d ever done was to make sure you deserved that moment.

you were floating in your own thought bubbles when sydney parked her car in the garage. your eyes didn't wander to the car parked in the street, or the reason why she brought you to her place instead of the one you shared with mat.

you weren’t thinking of any of that until you heard his laugh from the living room.

but your feet were already carrying you there, following sydney diligently like you always did. you stood there in the entrance of the living room, your bag still wheeled behind you.

he'd robbed you of all oxygen.

it was like a spotlight was on him and the nearly eleven month old baby in his arms. a closer look showed that ella was barely holding her eyes open, but she was clinging to her hippo like her life depended on it. 

she looked so small, curled into mat’s chest, but so big compared to when you first met her.

her father cheering loudly when he scored on marty, had her flinching awake. her brown eyes opened wide and by some act of grace (or maybe torture on your part) she made eye contact with you and whined. ella reached her hands out for you.

and who were you to deny her?

you ignored the feeling of his eyes on your face, ignored the way his mouth opened in your peripheral vision. instead, you picked up ella and bounced her as she tucked her head under your chin, ignoring the hazel eyes that were locked on your face.

“you're back,” were the first words mat said to you since you left his apartment that night. “how was your trip?”

you fussed over ella in your arms to keep him from seeing how your hands shook around him and vaguely registered that marty had paused the game. “it was fine,” you said. “how long did your family stay in town?”

“they left yesterday, told me to tell you goodbye.”

you nodded, unable to form any other words to keep the conversation going, so you walked towards the kitchen in hopes sydney would follow. she did, thankfully, and soon enough the sound of chel echoed through the downstairs.

“what was that?” sydney whispered. “you haven't seen him in a few days and that’s all you have to say?”

“what did you want me to say? ‘sorry i kissed you and ran away. hope your holiday was fun?’”

sydney sighed through her nose and placed her hands on her hips. “you’re gonna have to talk about it eventually.”

“and i get that, but i don’t want an audience when we talk about it.”

she nodded and looked to the side. “i just hate to see you two like this.”

“like what?”

“like you're strangers.”

a cleared throat kept you from replying, but it did have you turning your head to see mat leaned against the entryway of the kitchen. “i don’t mean to rush you, but i think we need to get ella home so she's in her crib for at least a portion of her nap.”

quickly you nodded and bid goodbye to sydney and, at the door, you smiled at marty as he opened the front door. mat had his hand on your suitcase and was already carrying it outside to his car like it weighed nothing, which it certainly was not light because you had to sit on it with your parents’ obese cat in your lap while your mom zipped it up.

mat loaded your suitcase, you strapped his child in her car seat. he got in the driver’s seat while you slid into shotgun.

and neither of you said a word.

not until you got about five minutes into the drive. it was almost like mat couldn't handle the quiet anymore. “we don’t have to talk about it after this, but i think we should at least acknowledge what happened, right?”

“we don't have to acknowledge it at all, really. it was unprofessional and crossed too many boundaries. i think it’s best if we just forget about it.”

you were too busy staring out the window, watching the buildings pass to see something like hurt flash in mat’s eyes. “why? why do we have to forget it?”

he will get bored of you.

you shook your head and continued to look out the window.

“no, i think i deserve an answer, a reason why you ran out of our apartment on christmas and didn’t say anything.”

“it’s nothing, mat.”

“it’s something if you won't even look at me.” he sighed and adjusted his grip on the steering wheel. judging by the white color of his knuckles, you guessed he'd only tightened his hold. “i just—” he cut himself off with a sigh and rubbed at his jaw with one hand. “do you still want to look after ella? because if you don't, i’ll need some time to find someone else—”

you flinched into the passenger window. “why would you think i wouldn't want to watch her?”

mat shrugged. “i don't know, you don't want to seem to be around me and considering she's my daughter, i just figured.”

“as long as you're okay with it, i’d like to keep nannying. but if you want me to find another place to stay—”

“don't worry about it, it won't be a problem.”

you nodded but didn't say a word for the rest of the ride home. not to worry though, neither did mat.

when you finally got back to the apartment, you grabbed your suitcase while he maneuvered ella out of her car seat and into his arms. neither of you spoke, not even as you went your separate ways as you got into the apartment. you split in the hallway with him going into ella’s nursery and you into your room.

you at least waited to hear the door shut behind you before your shoulders slumped and tears pricked at your eyes.

he’ll get bored of you. he’ll get bored of you. he’ll get bored of you. he’ll get bored of you. he’ll get bored of you. he’ll get bored of you. he’ll get bored of you. he’ll get bored of you. he’ll get bored of you. he’ll get bored—

i’ll need some time to find someone else. i’ll need some time to find someone else. i’ll need some time to find someone else. i’ll need some time to find someone else. i’ll need some time to find someone—

someone else. someone else. someone else. someone else—

a knock on the door startled you enough that you had to cover your mouth to muffle the noise that escaped your lips.

“you okay?” he asked.

you managed to clear your throat and squeak out a “mhm.” you didn't hear any movement, probably mat wondering if he should press the issue, but after a few moments, you could hear feet padding back down the hallway.

you should’ve unpacked, you should’ve cleaned your room from how you left it. you should’ve done a lot of things. but you took a shower where you cried the entire time. then you got in bed and wished you were in your parents’ house so you could smell the slightly burned sugar cookies your mom made and hear your dad’s disgruntled sighs from the living room when his football team didn't play well.

now you were sitting in a cold city that you used to adore, but it felt like the love had evaporated once you were shown how unlovable you were. jason cheated, mat suggested a replacement, maybe that’s all you were. maybe you were just the ikea couch that moved from apartment to apartment only to be replaced with a crate and barrel sofa when the owner got a house.

there was no telling how long time passed before mat knocked again. “tito’s coming over, did you want anything? he’s offering to pick something up.”

you cleared your throat yet again before speaking. “no, no i’m good.”

“you sure? he's getting pizza from borelli’s.”

your stomach growled but you ignored it. “i’m sure, thanks mat.”

the footsteps retreated, leaving you to your thoughts.

it wasn’t long before ella woke up, forcing you to leave your little cave you called a bedroom. she smiled when she saw you, all her four little baby teeth proudly on display. you pulled her out of her sleep sack and changed her diaper, all while her legs and arms were flapping around happily.

“did you have a good nap, ella bean?” she didn't say any intelligible words, mostly just babble, but you smiled anyway. “i bet, baby girl. do you wanna go see dada and uncle tito?”

her deep brown eyes lit up. her eyes were probably the only thing she got from her mom considering she was a carbon copy of mat.

once her diaper was changed, you buttoned her onesie and pulled her little pants back on before you carried her into the living room.

both mat and tito’s eyes lit up when they saw her. almost immediately, ella started kicking her legs and pushing away from you to go to her dad. instead of bringing her straight to mat, you let her down on the floor and watched as she crawled her way to him.

she’d gotten much faster in your absence, even if it was only for a few days. and to your joy, and maybe a little tweak of sadness, she pulled herself up on mat’s knees where he pulled her into his lap.

“how was practice?” you asked.

mat blinked at you. “we didn’t come from practice...”

“i know,” you replied. “but i didn't get to ask you earlier this morning, so i’m asking now.”

tito’s eyes bounce back and forth from you and mat, almost like he’s unsure of what to do.

mat shrugged. “it was fine, just a lot of bag skating.”

and given their performance a few nights ago, that wasn’t completely surprising.

you nodded and walked into the kitchen when the tension became too much. you gripped the cold counter and took a deep breath, trying to steady yourself.

i’ll need some time to find someone else. i’ll need some time to find someone else. i’ll need some time—

“you okay?”

your eyes shot open and you spun around to see beau standing in the kitchen with a furrow between his brows.

“y-yeah, why?”

he jerked a thumb over his shoulder where mat was playing with ella on the living room floor, or at least you assumed he was, you couldn't see him from where you were standing. “you're joking, right? you seriously don’t know why? it’s been almost three months and i’ve never heard you talk to each other that way.”

“like what?”

“short.” when you said nothing, he continued. “what’s going on?”

“you mean he didn't tell you?”

“tell me what? that you kissed him and ran away and didn't speak to him while you were gone? yeah, he told me that. didn't tell me anything else though.”

beau wasn’t being cruel, you knew that. he was simply narrating what you had done in a matter of fact manner.

so why did it feel like someone was twisting a knife in your chest?

he sighed and placed his hands on his hips. “look, i’m not judging you, i just hate to see you both acting this way.”

“acting like what?”

“strangers. or maybe worse than strangers.”

 “what could be worse than strangers?”

“estranged lovers.”

a scoff left your lips before you could stop it. “one kiss hardly makes us estranged lovers.”

“no but it does make you two act like you don’t know how to be around each other.”

you refused to look at him, choosing instead to study the grain of the marble countertop. “he’s my boss, tito. i shouldn't have done it.”

he fixed you with a look you couldn't quite interpret. maybe it was similar to one sydney gave winnie after she asked her mom a million questions when none of them made sense and had no obvious connection between them. “you're lying to yourself if you think that’s all you are to him, if that’s all he is to you.”

you shrugged your shoulders. “that’s all we can be.”

“says who?”

no one, no one but you. you and that cruel voice in your head that sounds a lot like your ex. “we just can’t.”

“maybe you just need to be proven wrong. allow him to prove you wrong.”

day seventy-seven

“are you still coming to the game tonight?” mat called from his room while you sat in the living room watching ella play with the stacking cups before she got mad and knocked them over.

to say things had returned to normal would be a lie, but you and mat were good at pretending the elephant wasn’t in the room or even in the apartment building. “i’m not sure,” you replied loud enough for him to hear. “ella’s been kinda cranky all day, hasn’t napped well.”

on cue, ella knocked down the cups and screamed bloody murder. you cringed almost immediately. as soon as the scream was over, you could hear mat’s sigh from his bedroom. his voice sounded closer when he spoke again. “you think she’s getting sick?”

you glanced up and saw mat walking through the doorway. in his suit, he still managed to squat next to you. you quickly averted your eyes instead of staring at his thighs. “i don't know, she doesn’t have a fever, she could be teething or it could just be a sleep regression. all three are possible.”

mat leaned in and ruffled the hair on ella’s head. any attitude or frustration she had evaporated the second she saw her dad. she lifted her arms and babbled until he picked her up. he stood up to his full height and placed the back of his hand against her forehead. “does she feel warm to you?

you stood and replaced his hand with yours. you hummed. “maybe a little, but it’s also a little warm in here.”

mat nodded before he kissed the top of ella’s head. “just let me know if you plan on coming.”

“we’ll be there,” you said before you could stop yourself.

if you were a painter, you'd capture the look of mild surprise on mat’s face because it was equal parts endearing and handsome, you couldn't describe it in just words. “really?”

“yeah,” you said, a small smile on your face. “you’ll need your number one fans there.” and even if you doubted your permanence in his life, there was no doubt in your mind where he ranked in yours. “i mean,” you babbled. “aside from your parents and liana.”

mat chuckled a little. “you definitely rank higher than liana. you don't roast me as much as she does.”

“yeah well, she knows more about hockey than i do.”

his eyes looked into yours and you felt the vulnerability of being seen, of being observed through a microscope.

he’ll get bored of you—

“you should know that doesn't matter to me, it’s the fact that you show up.”

“i’ll keep showing up then,” you smiled. “even if i have no idea what’s going on.”

his smile matched your own. “i’ll come home and explain it to you then.”

you probably could’ve stared at him for eternity, his floppy hair and hazel eyes but ella screamed and wriggled around until mat put her back down on the floor, ending whatever moment you thought you were having.

he glanced at his wrist watch and cursed. “i gotta go or i’ll be late, you have the tickets right?”

“they're on my phone, you sent them yesterday.”

he nodded looking at you then ella, then back at you. “i’ll see you later, then. text me if something changes, i’ll check between periods.”

“you really shouldn't—”

“but i’m going to anyway!” he exclaimed before shutting the door behind him.

ella got a kick out of the uber ride to ubs, even from the comfort of her car seat. the driver was kind enough to play gracie’s corner, which was ella’s new musical obsession. she was giddy for once (because she’d been cranky all day) and didn't even protest when you put the headphones on her head as you entered the noisy arena.

you made your way down to the glass where sydney and grace were waiting with their kids. while it wasn’t your first time at a game with ella, it was your first time this close to the ice. mat had sent you tickets because the wags didn't rent a suite out for the game this time. which, in all honesty, was more than fine with you, experiencing a live game close up sounded more than fun.

the boys came out skating at a pace you couldn't dream of replicating. your eyes were as wide as ella’s as you both looked around, stunned.

“you okay?” sydney chuckled. “you look like a deer in headlights.”

you nodded. “they're just...really fast.”

grace and sydney laughed but nodded along with you.

after the initial lap of skating, matt and anders came over to say hi to their kids and wives. matt had a knowing look in his eye and skated away momentarily. maybe you were a little dumb for being surprised when mat, your mat (but not really) came up to the boards grinning ear to ear. 

ella, by an act of god, recognized him even with his helmet on (not that it covered his whole face, but you'd seen videos of babies freaking out when their dads shave so you weren't sure how she would react). she was flapping her arms and squealing, a nice change from the ear piercing scream she’d been giving you all afternoon.

you couldn't really hear what mat was saying, but you saw the happiness in his eyes, the matching grin he shared with his daughter. you didn't even realize you were staring at him until his eyes met yours. he gave you another award winning smile before grabbing a puck and tossing it over for a girl a few seats away from you.

before you realized the time, mat skated away from you so he could finish warming up. that, of course, didn't stop him from looking over in your general direction to look at ella who was enraptured by the entire experience.

the buzzer sounded shortly after and the game started.

ella made it about seventeen minutes into the first period before deciding she’d had enough. smiling apologetically to the other girls, you said, “sorry, the queen has decided it’s time for bed.”

“how're you getting home?” syd asked.

“uber,” you said.

“text us when you get home,” grace said.

you nodded and grabbed your things and placed ella in her car seat before heading up the numerous stairs to the lobby area of the arena. you sent a text to mat after you ordered your uber but before you walked outside, not wanting to stand out in the cold longer than you had to.

you: 

sorry to miss the game! the queen has said she’s had enough. we’re about to get a taxi.

you didn't expect him to reply soon. you managed to get an uber and head back to your shared apartment when you got a text back. 

mat:

call me when you get home.

before you could stop yourself, you furrowed your brows and replied.

you:

what if you’re in the game?

his reply was immediate.

mat:

call anyway, if i have time during the second intermission, i’ll call back. if not, i’ll see you at home.

as if on instinct, you smiled at your phone. you didn't even realize the uber arrived at your apartment building until the driver threw the car in park.

“thank you,” you said as you climbed out of the car and unhooked ella’s car seat.

the first thing you did upon entering the apartment was put ella and her car seat on the floor. the second was pull out your phone and call mat like he asked you to. it rang twice before your heard his voice on the other line.

“you home?”

you blinked. “you actually picked up?

he made a noise that sounded somewhere between a laugh and a scoff. “you're surprised?”

“you have a game to focus on.”

“this isn’t a lengthy conversation. i just needed to know that you got home alright.”

“well we’re home. you can stop stressing about us and go win a game instead.”

he cackled through the phone right before he said a quick bye and hung up.

you squatted down to ella’s eye level. she was dozing off in the car seat and you were already not looking forward to the tantrum she’d throw as you tried to get her out and into pajamas. a tired baby barzy was a cranky baby barzy.

just as expected, she started crying and rubbing her eyes when you picked her up. she cried even as you changed her diaper and into her pajamas. she cried through chicka chicka boom boom and the little blue truck which she usually loved. she cried up until the moment you put her in her sleep sack and into her crib.

once she was down, you came back into the living room and started cleaning up to the sound of mat’s game on the television. you still weren't an expert on hockey, but you did at least try to understand what was going on. the important thing was that the isles were winning by a goal.

mat didn't get home until closer to midnight. you were still up, watching carpet cleaning videos on your phone. maybe you should've done something more productive, like cracking open one of the fifty books stacked in piles in your room, but after all the screaming from ella, you just wanted to see a dirty carpet turn white.

“you're still up?” he asked, a slight note of surprise in his voice as he walked through the door.

you shrugged. “was waiting for my hockey debrief.” you watched as he sat his hockey back next to the door and ran a hand down his face. “congrats on the win, by the way.”

he crossed the room and plopped down on the sofa next to you and groaned. “i can’t even think about winning when my body hurts.”

“that’s what happens when you can't stay on your feet for more than half a shift.”

he chuckled a little. “not you too, i get enough shit from the guys.”

“if you want it to stop, you should stop falling down.”

abruptly, mat turned to you. “can you even skate?”

“no, but you can. you even get paid to do so. which is why it’s so surprising that you can’t stay on your feet.” he rolled his eyes but there was a smile on his face. “what?” you smiled back. “what is it?”

“nothing,” he said. “i’m just glad we’re cool again.”

day eighty-nine

you felt like a zombie, simply put. ella was eleven months old and shouldn't be going through a sleep regression, yet she was up on and off all night. you knew that it was because she’d learned a new skill, one you couldn't wait to show mat when he got home.

part of you was nervous that he would be upset that he wasn't there for it. last roadie, he came home to ella cruising along furniture and taking steps while she pushed her walker or held your hands.

it took him two days to come to terms with it.

so you sat on the couch and watched ella play in the ball pit playpen with her stuffed hippo. any other time, you might have cleaned up after her, picking up the balls she’d thrown out (because that was yet another thing she’d learned how to do), but you were doing your best to keep your eyes open.

it was the rattling of the doorknob that had you and ella perking up and looking towards the doorway. you could hear fumbling and what you assumed was mat’s hockey bag dropping to the ground.

despite that, it was still a moment or two before you saw mat walk into the living room with a....iced latte in hand?

you furrowed your brows. “what—”

“dada!” ella screamed, flapping her arm that wasn't holding her hippo, doing her best to scramble to her feet without letting go of her stuffie.

mat nearly dropped everything in his hands, including the coffee, which you were still hung up on, because he drank black coffee, not whatever light colored drink that was in his left hand.

“did she—?” he looked to you, hazel eyes wide as the sun. “did she say—”

“dada dada dada dada,” ella kept babbling, her voice only getting happier the closer he came to her.

“hey sweet girl,” he cooed, bending down and scooping her up with one arm. his voice sounded thick, and when you glanced at his face, his eyes looked a little shiny. “i missed you. did you keep mama bear up all night?”

“how did you know—”

“you replied to my text at 2am. you're usually asleep before midnight.” he said it so casually that you almost didn't clock the deeper meaning behind his words. he didn't even look at you, his gaze solely focused on his daughter. “how long has she been saying dada?” he asked.

you smiled. “yesterday, i got it on video. she likes to watch interviews of you sometimes and when i turned an older one on, she said it. i meant to send it to you after it happened, but i figured you'd wanna hear it in person, and if she didn't say it when you walked in, i’d show you the video later.”

“this was much better, thank you,” he said, finally looking you in the eye. then, like a lightbulb went off over his head, he reached his hand out with the iced coffee. “this is for you, figured you'd want coffee after staying up all night.”

you thanked him and hesitantly, took a sip. pleasantly surprised was a phrase you weren't used to using, especially when it came to your coffee order. there were seldom people in your life who could remember how much sugar, cream, and syrup that you liked in your coffee.

jason never remembered, said it was too complicated.

so when you took a sip and it was the exact flavor profile you'd grown accustomed to, you almost started crying.

“did i get it right?” he asked. “i wrote it down in my phone from a month ago just in case. if it’s wrong, ella and i can go grab another one—”

but your smile cut off any rambling left. “it’s perfect. how was your roadie?”

day ninety-two

mat was gracious enough to lend you his car for the day. he didn't have a game, just a morning skate which meant you didn't have to uber to storytime at the library.

it did mean, however, that you had to go pick him up because tito was busy after practice.

you were anxious initially because you had no idea how you'd get into the practice facility, and you weren’t keen on keeping the car running in this economy. thankfully, right as you were walking towards the building, dobson was walking out. he smiled and said a quiet good morning while he held the door for you and ella.

“barzy’s still on the ice,” he said. “should be finishing up any minute.”

“still? is it a punishment?”

dobson shrugged. “i think he's just trying to tighten up his shot.” he cleared his throat. “do you know how to get to the rink?”

you shrugged. “i'm sure i can figure it out.”

which you did, it was pretty self explanatory, though the signage definitely helped. you walked out to the rink and couldn't help the smile on your face when you saw mat zooming around at a ridiculous speed. mesmerized was the only word you could think to use to describe both you and ella. both your heads followed him around the rink.

which meant you had the perfect view of mat absolutely eating it and slamming into the boards behind the goal.

the laugh that burst from your mouth caught you off guard. given how mat flinched, you would say it caught him off guard too.

but you couldn't help it, the sight of him flailing and slamming into the boards had tears forming in your eyes from the sheer force of your laughter.

“oh my god,” you huffed out between laughs. “you're a professional!” you didn't need to say anymore, he knew what you were implying.

mat stuttered out your name. “y—you’re here?”

“i told you i’d pick you up, mat,” you got out through giggles. you walked closer to the ice, stopping at the gate. he hadn't gotten up off the ice, his legs were spread as he sat there. you couldn't place why, but it was still insanely funny to you. as you kept laughing, ella started too, letting out a loud baby cackle that echoed across the ice.

that seemed to kick mat into gear because he stood up and skated towards the two of you, a dopey smile on his face. you moved ella off your hip and in front of your body, holding her back against your chest so she could fully face mat.

“hey ella bean,” he smiled. he tossed his stick over the boards by the bench and reached for her.

“dada dada dada—” as she kept giggling and babbling, you watched as the smile on mat’s face got wider and wider.

you felt your heart lurch into your throat as mat took her out on the ice and started skating. “are you sure that’s safe?” you called out.

mat’s scoff echoed throughout the rink. “i’m a professional.”

“a professional at ending up on your ass.”

while supporting ella with one arm, mat flipped you off with the other hand as he skated around at a moderate pace. something between a scoff and a laugh burst from your mouth like the fireworks in that one katy perry music video.

mat’s head snapped to look at you, an expression on his face that you couldn't place, you'd never seen it before. he skated back to you, with ella still giggling.

“what?” you asked. “why're you looking at me like that?”

he shrugged. “i just like your laugh, is all. you should do it more.”

feeling shy, you looked down at your nails, you really needed to get a manicure done. “haven’t had much to laugh about lately.” the anxiety you had earlier didn't miraculously disappear after your conversation with beau, but up until this moment, you hadn't realized how quiet your mind had been.

a few weeks ago, it was consumed with jason’s words.

now you couldn't stop thinking about mat.

“well, i’ll gladly bust my ass over and over if you keep laughing like that.”

you couldn't help yourself, another laugh forced its way out of your mouth as you looked at him.

day one hundred and one

deep down in your bones, you could feel the exhaustion from yesterday seeping into today. it was a good exhaustion, though. one caused by brunch with grace, sydney, and alexa, a playdate with sofia and romanov’s daughter, deep cleaning the apartment while ella napped, and a nice walk in the park before mat’s game. 

he got home last night after a short roadie. it was a successful trip, with them winning more than they lost. you knew ella would be happy to see him when he woke up, all she talked about was “dada,” though that just might be the excitement of saying her favorite and only word.

for now, though, it was just you and ella sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast. well, you were eating your cereal, she was spreading avocado around on her high chair. still, she was eating her scrambled eggs, so you couldn't really complain.

the two of you had moved into the living room with ella playing with her hippo and building blocks while you watched the newest episode of abbott elementary.

“is this a new one?” you jumped at the sound of mat’s morning voice and ignored the sensation in your stomach when you saw him rubbing at his eyes, bed head and all. 

“huh?”

mat opened his mouth, but at the sound of her father’s voice, ella turned around and screamed before crawling towards him. he didn't even hesitate to scoop her up and keep her cradled between his left arm and his chest.

“i said,” he started. “is this a new episode? i haven't seen this one yet.”

you blinked. “aren't they all new episodes to you?”

“what do you mean?”

did he hit his head or something? “mat, i've never seen you watch a single episode of anything that wasn't hockey highlights or espn...”

he shrugged. “that's because you're not with me on my roadies.”

it was your turn to ask, “what do you mean?”

mat rounded the couch and plopped down next to you, close enough to not be awkwardly apart but far enough that his leg wasn't touching yours, regardless of how much you wanted him to. “i started watching abbott on the road.”

“why would you do that?”

the tips of his ears turned pink. maybe it was warm in the apartment because the idea that you could cause him to blush wasn't something you were able to comprehend at eight in the morning. “you said you loved the show, i wanted to see what the hype was about.”

“you watched it because i told you about it?” it didn't make sense, no one had ever taken your recommendations seriously enough.

he wouldn't make eye contact with you. “beau kept falling asleep and i was tired of watching film and it popped up and you thought it was good so...”

you smiled to ease the anxiety on his face. “how far did you get?”

“i’m all caught up, except for this episode. i caught up on the roadie.”

“well,” you started. “you’re more than welcome to join us. if you want breakfast, i can pause it and wait.” but you remembered he was a professional hockey player, he probably had somewhere to be. “oh wait, when do you have to be at the rink?”

he checked his phone. “it’s not for a few hours because we got in so late. i’m yours in the meantime.”

you quickly turned your attention back to the screen so he couldn't see the flush on your face.

day one hundred and nine

it was a bad brain day. you couldn't explain it. you woke up and your mood soured. ella only marginally improved it, not even her giggles and smiles, as she stood in her crib babbling as you walked towards her, could fully fix your mood.

there was no rhyme or reason for it either.

well—

that wasn’t completely true.

you'd slept like shit last night. no twenty something should still be having nightmares, god you felt embarrassed just saying the word. but your brain didn't care about shoulds, shouldn’ts, and age because you woke up pouring sweat after jason berated you for what felt like hours.

he’ll get bored of you ringing in your head like church bells on sunday.

it was made worse when, to soothe the anxiety creeping in, you stupidly got on instagram. you should've known better, never in the history of the internet has going on social media improved your mood, especially instagram.

but there you were, staring at the instagram stories of the wags of the isles. pilates, jogs, dinner parties, team events you were too shy to go to. then you went to their feeds, wag jackets and happy families and all the things you wouldn't be a part of. they were rich, had a cool job, a happy nuclear family. and you were what? a nanny? you were a scandal waiting to happen.

he’ll get bored of you turned into it’s just a matter of time until mat finds a replacement. then, because your mind absolutely hated you, it would seem, mat’s own words echoed back to you.

and you knew it was out of context, he’d proven it to you over the last few weeks. but all you could hear was:

i’ll need some time to find someone else.

natalie was jason’s someone else.

who would mat’s be?

which was how you ended up crying into the pan of scrambled eggs. “sorry ella bean,” you managed to get out. “these will be mine, i’ll make you some fresh ones.” you plated the eggs and turned to set them aside on the island behind you, but you weren't expecting mat to be standing there in a white t-shirt and sweats.

no one should look that good in pajamas.

he’ll get bored of you.

“you okay?” and before you could even reply, mat was moving closer. “are you crying? what happened?”

you shook your head. “nothing.”

“it’s not nothing if you're crying into breakfast food.” he was right in front of you now. “c'mon, mama, you can talk to me.”

and you weren't sure why that one word did you in. “that’s not my name,” you huffed out.

“huh?” mat stepped closer and placed his large hands on your arms. “what’re you talking about—”

you stepped back into the counter, trying to get out of his hold. “‘mama’ isn’t my name. i’m not ella’s mom. i’m no one’s mom.”

his brows pulled together, his lips turned down into a frown. “i wasn’t asking you to be her mom, if you want me to find—”

“someone else, right?” you said. “you're just waiting to find someone else? everyone always is.” and it just burst from you. like it had been bubbling for twenty something years and this was the release. “i'm never enough for anyone. was i just a placeholder until she got a real mom? i can be a nanny but nothing more, right?”

“whoa, where is this coming from?” mat cut in, immediately breaking up whatever tirade you were going on. “who’s telling you these things?”

you wanted to scream. “you are! you told me you'd find someone else—”

“—if you didn't want to do this anymore! you weren't talking to me, and didn't seem very interested in doing this,” he gestured to himself and ella, “—at all.” he sighed, like he was calming himself. “i thought we were doing better these last few weeks. what changed?”

you shook your head. “just had a bad night.”

“please,” he begged. “please just tell me the truth.” another moment passed and you didn't say a word, you wouldn't even look at him. “was it jason?” you shifted on your feet. “what did he say?”

for a moment, you thought about shrugging it off, changing the subject. but you were so tired of bottling up all the negative thoughts, the buzzing bees in your head, you just let it all out. “he said you'd get bored of me,” you admitted, feeling a little embarrassed that you were so upset about it. “that i was just a nanny and once you realized you couldn't fuck me, you'd fire me and kick me out.”

you looked up just in time to see mat’s jaw clench. he opened his mouth to say something but shut it just as quickly. ella squawked from her seat so you quickly grabbed her out of her high chair and started bouncing her. she was probably hungry, but she seemed content just being in your arms.

“you know that's not true, right?” he said after a moment, his voice tight.

“i know i should believe you but the buzzing bees in my head, they...” you didn't finish.

“they what?”

“i’m not like them, mat. i don't have what they have.”

“who? you're not like who?”

“the other wags. you're gonna want someone who goes to games and has a car and can function in life without overthinking every little thing and...” 

he was shaking his head, his hazel eyes searching yours, like he was looking for the words to say, but couldn't find them. “who told you that's what i want?”

“everyone wants that, mat. i’m just—” ella started leaning and reaching for the eggs you cried into so you moved them out of reach.

after a moment of quiet, of ella just contentedly bouncing in your arms, mat spoke. “i didn't watch abbott elementary just because you said it was good, i watched it because i wanted you to talk to me,” he said, not looking away from your face once. “i wanted us to be us again and if watching a show i wasn’t familiar with meant i could talk to you, i would do it.”

his eyes darted away for a moment, a blush covering his face. but he pushed on anyway. “it turned out to be a really funny show so it wasn't like a burden or anything but i would’ve watched it even if it was garbage because it was something that you liked.”

“mat—”

“no, please let me finish.” he took in a deep breath and looked you dead in the eye. “i would've watched the scott’s tots episode of the office on repeat if you told me that's what you wanted to do.”

mat took a step closer to you, just a foot between you now. “beau said you didn’t believe that i could want you, sydney said it was because of something your piece of shit ex said. so i’ve spent the last few weeks trying to prove to you that i love you, that i love you right now, just like this. even with the million buzzing bees in your head telling you i can’t, i’m telling you i can and i do.”

the buzzing in your head stopped. you couldn't hear anything but—

i love you right now, just like this.

“there is no ‘someone else.’ there’s no one else i could want because you're here.”

“you're not gonna get bored of me?” you asked, kinda hating how weak your voice sounded, but not enough to be embarrassed about it. not when mat was standing so close to you, not when he was saying the things he was saying.

he smiled and shook his head. “i'm not gonna get bored of you.”

“even if i feel like a thursday in october?”

he blinked. “i don't know what that means, but yeah. even if you feel like a thursday in october.”

there was a part of you who wanted to believe him, who wanted to kiss him, but you still hesitated.

you hesitated until you thought about how mat called you every night on his first roadie away from ella, how he admitted that he missed her and kept waking up in the middle of the night expecting her to be down the hall, but how he felt safe knowing that she was with you. you thought about how he waited for you to call when you got into your apartment and immediately helped you move out when you found jason and natalie in bed together. you thought about how his family loved you, gave you christmas presents. you thought about the kiss, you thought about how he called matt when you left the apartment, how he asked if you had a jacket, how you were getting to the airport.

you hesitated until you realized he stole all the oxygen from your lungs. how you knew nothing about hockey prior to him and now it felt like your entire life. you thought about the family skate he'd invited you to in a month and how you dreamt of holding his hand in front of everyone. you thought about how nice it would be to wear his name on your back and know that he was yours at the end of the night.

you hesitated until you knew all the girls from his past, all the boys from yours, had led you both to this moment, standing in his kitchen in your pajamas with his child in your arms while he bared his heart to you.

“you promise just as i am right now?”

he nodded. “i promise, baby, i love you yesterday, right now, and tomorrow.”

you smiled, your heart racing, but your mind was quiet, quiet except for four words. “i love you, mat.”

“oh thank god,” he muttered before placing his hands on your cheeks and pulling your lips to his. he kissed you first, but you chased his lips when he tried to pull away.

it was only the need for air and ella’s screaming that pulled you two away from each other. “are you hungry, baby?” you asked.

“did mama not feed you fast enough?” mat teased, grabbing her from you and tossing her in the air a few times to get her laughing.

“mat,” you groaned.

“it’s okay though,” he said looking you dead in the eye, the widest smile you'd seen on his face. ella looked at you too, both of their faces scrunched up in that way you loved. “we love you anyway.”

mat barzal. nearly everyone in new york was obsessed with him, you knew him by the way he kissed you in the morning, when he got home from practice, before you went to bed. you knew him as the man who scooped his daughter up and tickled her just to hear her laugh. you knew him by the strong arms that would wrap around your waist.

you knew him by the way he loved you.

one hundred and nine days later, you loved him.

[unformula1]

promises - 1 (ln4)

part 2 || you and lando used to be best friends, but you two drifted apart. (1464 words) a/n: im back ! should i make a part 2?? || masterlist

You and Lando used to be friends. Best friends, one might say. The two of you were inseparable. Every Friday night, without fail, both of you would meet up at the playground near the central district of your hometown. The playground would usually be empty, with most children staying in with their parents. This gave you and Lando the whole playground, all to yourselves.

It was perfect to make the purest memories. Just two kids, pure innocence and naivety, and a friendship which felt like forever. You’d talk about which toy cars were the better ones, he’d always say the orange ones. You two would laugh about the silliest things, and promise each other to be friends forever. 

You two grew up together, went through the teenage years with each other, there in the highs and lows. Every Friday night became every night. You two would see each other daily, at the same playground. As both of you matured, so did your conversations, you two started talking about your love lives, your future.

Both of you sat on the ground, leaning against the wooden base of the slide which both of you used to ride together.

~~~

“I mean… It seems pretty cool.” You tell him.

“It is.” Lando confirms, “I’ve been doing it since I was a small kid, just zooming around.”

You chuckle as Lando mimics driving a go-kart.

“You see yourself driving them forever?” You ask, shifting closer to him.

“Hell yeah.” He replies confidently, not a single ounce of doubt in his voice.

“Alright then.” You smile, “Go for it.”

“You’ll be there right?” He asks you.

“I will. You’ll remember me right?”

“Yes.”

~~~

Both of you made promises, whether they were the shallowest things or the deepest feelings. He never left you alone, you never made fun of him for the quirky things he liked. He stood by you when the worst was brought upon you, when you cried about some stupid boy not liking you back, when you lost your only ticket to your dream university.

~~~

You sat on the floor of his room, wiping away the dried up tears on your face. You’ve never felt this vulnerable to anyone. He lays down next to you and props himself up onto his elbow, looking at you. You glance back at him as he fiddles with his hair. 

“Are you gonna keep staring at me?” You ask, letting out a soft chuckle as you continue to wipe off your tears.

“Sorry.” He replies, laughing a little, “They don’t deserve you anyway.” 

He sits up and shrugs.

“You could do better.” He deadpans.

Your lips curve up ever so slightly.

“Well-” You sigh, “I guess I’ll stay here forever.”

Both of you laugh again.

“So will I.”

~~~

But he didn’t. Lando Norris left the town in pursuit of greater things.

“You’re leaving?” The realisation hits you.

He sheepishly nods.

Your emotions are all jumbled up into one big mess, everything just engulfing your heart as tears start falling.

“Oh-” Lando says before hugging you tightly.

You hug him back, your tears staining his sweater.

“C’mon now… don’t get all teary on me.” Lando says, clearing stifling down sobbing sounds.

You can’t let out any words.

~~~

It finally came a few months later. You stood in the airport, face to face with Lando. You felt the overwhelming feeling of nostalgia, letting all the memories from the youngest ages of childhood flow through your head as you closed your eyes, feeling the tears welling up in your eyes.

He looks at you with his stupid little grin, his eyes getting watery as he purses his lips, taking in deep breaths. 

You run up to him and hug him, for what might be the last time ever. It’s a tight hug, one surrounded by years of friendships and years of memories all building up. He sobs on your shoulder, jerking slightly each sob as you grip tightly to him, never wanting to let go.

But you have to. Both of you take a step back. Lando takes out a necklace for you.

“For you.” He says, “I have a matching one.”

You sob violently and take the necklace, immediately putting it around your neck and holding onto it with a deathly grip.

He reaches out for your hand. Both of you hold hands for a few seconds, he closes his eyes once again as the tears traced his cheekbone and clung onto his jaw, trickling down slowly.

“We’ll stay in contact.” He says softly in between heavy sobs as he pulls you in one last time, patting you on the back.

“We better.” You crack a joke which makes him giggle. He nods more and pats your shoulder.

The moment has to come to an end eventually, with a heavy heart he takes a step back. He looks you in the eyes one last time and you stare at his brown-blue glistening eyes which sparkled.

You’ll miss those.

You’ll miss him.

You’ll miss all of this.

As he enters the boarding gates, he looks back at you again, smiling slightly at you as he waves slightly. You look back at him, wishing you could be there with him, flying somewhere same. Something wants you to run up to him and hold on tight to him but you stay put, waving goodbye to him. 

He holds up the necklace and smiles at you, you smile back at him, choking through the tears which suffocate your lungs as the sting in your throat resurfaces. You hold the necklace up to him too and for the last time, he nods at you, turning around and slowly disappearing from your view.

You stand there. 

What do you do now?

What are the weekly nights reserved for now?

Will you ever see Lando again?

———

The nights felt empty and missing a piece, because they were. You missed sitting with him in the cool breeze of the evening or in the dim lights of the nearby stores, talking about things that you would never tell anyone else. You missed all of it, every single angry, sad, happy, nostalgic moment. It was hard to change your entire life, you called him and texted him every single waking minute of your life and he did so too. However, it never felt the same. Sometimes you’d wake up in the middle of the night just to imagine he was there with you again and your tears would involuntarily come trickling down again. 

Eventually, you got used to it, like you do.

The years past much quicker than you imagined. You watched Lando grow from a young karter to Formula 1 driver. Sometimes you catch yourself watching his races and other times you see his face in the billboards across town.

You don’t know if he remembers you but both of you practically lost contact after you two stopped texting a few years back. It was rough. Both of you made each other the world, you made him your world. Absolutely nothing was going to stand in your way, but time took its path, and fate drew its sword. It was something that you could never change no matter how hard you tried. Even with empty days and sleepless nights just pretending and wishing and hoping that something would happen. It wouldn’t. 

So you had come to peace with it, he was just another passing chapter in your life, meeting once and never again, ingrained in the stone of life.

You were proud of him, for making it this far. You really were. Nothing would ever make you wish anything but the best for him; after all, he was the biggest boy in your life at one point, and nothing would change that. You were incredibly happy for him, for how much effort he’d put into this, he deserved everything. You even watched him win his first race in Miami.

You shed a tear or two. The memories of everything flooding back into your head, just remembering Lando as a young kid saying to you he’d take over the world. He did. You were proud.

But you weren’t there.

Were the promises you made all empty? Just passing in the moment to be carried by the wind and never to be seen or heard ever again?

You sat on the couch watching him take the top step of the podium, holding up the trophy as the sunlight serenaded his face. The familiar sparkle of his eyes stood out to you, it was like when he left. This time his tears were happy ones. 

Your tears were bittersweet.

A few hours pass and a chime from your phone gets you off your couch and reaching for your phone.

You got an Instagram DM, from landonorris.

[mothwingwritings]

Can we have Ren/Fox (TPOF) and Mc with a child?Long after Fox decided to stay with MC, they both had a daughter (probably not something with consent and a bit of Stockholm syndrome).The daughter asks her mother how she got the scars and this makes MC have memories of post-traumatic stress.

I was so tickled by this ask that I started manically typing out a response for it nearly as soon as I saw it in my ask box (which at this point, was quite some time ago. Forgive me, I am a mess lul). I wrote the whole damn thing in a fit of passion, excited to release it into the world… But ultimately hated it and thought it was garbo, so I scrapped it and tried again. Wrote a second iteration and thought ‘hell yeah, this is it!!! Sick!’, but then I read it AND HATED THAT ONE TOO AAAHHH!!!

I rewrote this… so much…

But I never give up on my dreams, and you shouldn’t either! Persevere! Don’t give up on yourself! Here’s your daily motivation for the day! Keep writing even it makes you cry!!! :D

Anyway, so I wrote this third one, comprised of new stuff and the stuff I actually did like from the first two stabs, and it ended up being the one. Truly it is a Frankenstein of a fic lol. Regardless of all the reworking, I had a lot of fun writing this and enjoyed the prompt very much!!! I I hope you enjoy reading it just as much. :)

I’m sorry if the writing seems a tad too mature for the reader’s daughter in this, writing children isn’t my forte. ^^;

Due to the nature of this fic, IT IS 18+ ONLY!!! Thank you!

WARNINGS: Incessant mentions of abuse of all kinds for reader and mentions of physical abuse for her child!!! Reader is heavily scarred from said abuse and that’s a main theme in this fic so please avoid if that is upsetting to you. Also, though not the main focus, there are multiple mentions of child abuse in this fic, as well a part where reader goes off verbally on her child, so please be mindful of that as well! Other things of note: reader is a parent in this (which you can probably tell by the prev warning lol), reader getting hurt, blood, manipulation, Stockholm syndrome, being held against your will/isolation, mentions of noncon, sad family stuff :(

Diminishing rays of afternoon light splayed through the open window of your quaint living room, casting a comforting orange glow over everything they touched. The light gave the environment an ethereal and nostalgic feel, wrapping you in peaceful warmth as the sun sunk lower and lower. The loveseat you occupied was plush and inviting, and a mug of your favorite tea stood at the ready on the small coffee table beside you, steadily cooling with help from the last hurrah of winter blowing in gently from the outside. Besides the slight chill, the wind brought with it the heavy scent of freshly bloomed flowers, a delightful precursor to the oncoming spring.

Relishing the rare moment of serenity, you couldn’t help but wish that all your days could be this lovely.

You smiled down at your daughter who sat perched in your lap, happily flipping through the newest gift she had acquired from her Father- a thick picture book full of bright illustrations highlighting various exotic animals. As it lay sprawled across her tiny lap, her chubby finger pointed out each animal she took an interest in, her high pitched voice chirping away as she explained what she liked about the creatures. She got particularly excited when she spotted the page full of foxes, jabbing at the red one feverishly as she exclaimed “its daddy!”

Spotting the foxes began her down a path of assigning an animal to not just herself, but you as well. She didn’t find it fair that only her father had kin in the animal world, even though you pointed out that she technically did as well by sharing half the man’s blood. Your revelation did little to deter her, she wanted something new, something just for herself, and she wasn’t going to stop until she found her perfect soul animal. So she continued on, scanning each page in earnest until she found a creature that suited her.

She ended up picking a bunny for herself, supplying you with a comprehensive reason as to why she chose it. As she explained in great length, skimping no details, you couldn’t help but hold back laughter. She spoke as if she were a professor teaching a class, and you did your best to keep a straight face as she yammered on with her shoddy reasoning, deep down knowing she only picked a rabbit because of how cute they are.

After she was done waxing poetic about bunnies, she continued scouring the book, coming to a halt once she reached the wild cat section. She stopped with a gasp, beaming up at you as she pressed her finger firmly against one of the images on the page.

“Mommy this one is you!”

Your eyes traveled to the picture she was rapidly tapping, “An African Wildcat, huh?” You smirked down at the little girl in amusement, “Why did you pick that one for me?”

“Because it looks just like you!”

You chuckled at her enthusiasm, “It looks like me? How so?”

“It has marks just like you do!”

Her innocuous words sent a chill up your spine. Eying the stripes that crossed the cat’s legs, you felt a great unease begin to overtake your body. Her reasoning was not lost on you, the cats coat did quite resemble the jagged scars that covered nearly every inch of your body, and just like the feline in her book, your limbs were the most prominent location of said ‘markings’. You quickly shook your head, not wanting to dwell on it further. In hopes of moving on from the subject, the outpouring of words that flew from your mouth were jumbled and messy.

“O-oh, I see,” you stuttered, clearing your throat to steady your voice, “well you certainly picked a cute animal for me! Thank you baby, it was a good choice.”

She smiled at you innocently, a gesture that usually made your heart melt with affection. But as her tiny hands moved from the book to your arms, that smile did nothing but fill you with dread, the realization that you wouldn’t be getting out of this sticky situation hitting you like a brick to the face. 

“Yeah mommy, the kitty’s marks are just like these ones,” her stubby fingers gently traced the old wounds, a look of reverence reflected on her cherubic features. “They make you look like that kitty mommy,” her little voice cooed, “I like them a lot!”

Your muscles constricted at her words, a slight tremor coursing through you as you involuntarily tightened your grip on her. She took note of this, looking up at your strained features with a puzzled expression on her face.

“Don’t be sad mommy,” she spoke assuredly, “I really do like them! I think they are pretty!”

Her words burned you, scorching the inside of your frozen shell of a body, leaving you feeling sickly and discombobulated. The room around you started to spin in a hazy blur, a wave of nausea making you nearly wretch. Your breathing grew erratic as you tried to calm yourself, inwardly repeating that your daughter was just a child, a little girl barely four years of age who had an incredibly limited view of the world. Her words were not meant to upset you. Her opinions were coming from a place of total naivety.

Yet still, the mental assurance did little to help with the extremely uncomfortable position you now founds yourself in. It wasn’t as if this was her first time noticing your scars. She had mentioned them before, her curious mind trying to piece together the reason that her arms appeared different from your own. Each time she brought your old wounds up you couldn’t help but feel flustered, responding with weak explanations and misdirection to try and quickly brush off her questioning.

The marks came from a silly mistake, or a childhood accident, or from a careless moment when mommy should have been paying more attention. It was always excuses on repeat. How many lies had you told her on this topic alone?

But even if they were lies, it beat telling her the truth. You didn’t want to have to explain where the scars on your body actually came from to anyone, let alone a child, and especially not to your own daughter. How could you possibly word it gently, or in a way that she would understand, when you barely understood why you had them yourself? How could you look her in the eye and tell her that these markings were a permanent sign that you had been very, very hurt and that it was her own fathers hands that inflicted the pain?

Reliving the horrific moments that left your body in such a state was overwhelming enough on its own, but to also have to lay bare her father’s sins, relay to her the unsavory proclivities of a man who she idolized and adored, was not something you were keen on doing.

She didn’t know her daddy like you knew him. She was ignorant to the constant state of concern you lived in, unaware of the worries that plagued your mind and kept you up each night. All the troubles of the hell she had been born into were completely lost on the small, carefree girl.

But honestly that was for the best. You had made an unspoken promise the moment she entered your life that you would protect her no matter what. From the day of her birth onward it became your mission to keep her as happy and healthy as possible.

Ren had broken you, but she did not have to suffer the same fate.

At this point in her life, your daughter knew nothing of her daddy’s profession or ‘hobbies’, and you wanted it to remain that way for as long as possible, if not for the rest of her life. You dreaded each time Ren came home from an auction, terrified he may let casually slip too many details about his ‘lively client’ or that he would carelessly step through the door with the stains of his liaisons still littering his clothes. Your daughter was at an age where she was brimming with questions, and she was relentless in getting answers to each question she asked. Everything had to be explained in complete detail for her to be satisfied, drop the subject, and move on. She was a smart little thing, possibly too smart for her own good. You highly doubted a silly joke or wave of the hand would assuage her whirring mind should Ren grow too impetuous in her presence.

And should her questioning become too pesky, you fretted over what Ren’s reaction to it may be. The more you tried to avoid thinking about it the more you seemed to fixate on the topic, pondering just how much goading it would take from your daughter before his temper would rear its ugly head.  You, above anyone, had firsthand experience in just how volatile the man could be, the scars that littered your body a testament to his turbulent emotions and violent outbursts.

Looking back on it now, it’s a wonder you survived any of it at all.

Ren often told you he loved you, each confession spoken through honeyed words that spilled from his lips easily and often.  And while you didn’t doubt those words (you knew better than to, at this point), you also knew his sweet nothings weren’t merely a term of endearment, they also served as your curse. He loved you, but he also loved your fealty to him, your adoration and worship of him and only him. Should you not reciprocate his feelings as quickly or ardently as he expected, the mere thought of whatever punishment he would concoct was enough to send you into a debilitating panic attack.

There were few things he loathed more than when you flinched from his affection or if you exhibited any sign of distress towards his presence, especially after he had spent so many years going above and beyond to provide for you, devote himself to you. You had learned early on to keel any feelings of aversion you had to his advances, several of your more prominent scars a brutal reminder of that misstep alone.

 If your daughter uncovered the truth and saw her father for who he truly was, if she began to fear him the way you feared him, how would he respond?  If not only his partner, but his own daughter started shying away from him, what length would he go to to correct this behavior?

Dwelling on it made your skin crawl.

But perhaps all of your worries were asinine. Despite his inclination for cruelty, Ren had never so much as raised a hand towards your daughter, even when she did act up. If anything, he was overprotective of her, barely letting her move faster than a brisk jog lest she fall and hurt herself. He hated seeing his little girl experience even a modicum of physical pain, mentioning to you previously that were he able, he’d keep her locked up in a padded room all day and night to prevent any foreseeable accidents or injuries. Surely it was just his idea of a joke, but the insinuation still made you cringe.

It was almost comical, just how greatly the manifestation of his affection for her differed from how he showed his love for you.

His domineering nature shielded her from experiencing any true pain. Every scrape, bruise, and cut she ever received was superficial, nothing that caused major bleeding or left a lasting impression. She had no way of knowing what had been done to you to cause the scars that marred your form, the torment and hell you experienced with each slash, smack, burn. Hell, she probably didn’t even really understand what a scar actually was. All she knew was that her mommy and daddy had strange marks on their skin that didn’t follow any kind of set pattern, weird jagged lines and indents that her soft skin was curiously free from. The mystery of it all was as puzzling to her young mind as it was enticing.

However, some mysteries were best left unsolved, and just as with each other time she brought up this hot topic, you found yourself unable to look into her clear, bright eyes and tell her any semblance of the truth. She may have been forced upon you, but she was your daughter. You loved her, and you refused to be the one to shatter her innocence. You would keep her ignorant for as long as possible, shielding her to the endless nightmare of your daily lives, even if it cost you your sanity.

“Mommy,” her voice jarred you, dragging you from your thoughts, “mommy did you hear me? I said I think they are pretty!”

“T-that’s… I…” You stuttered, struggling to find the right words to say, your voice coming out much smaller than you intended it to. The room felt like it had dropped thirty degrees, your body twitching in response to the sudden chill.

“Daddy told me he gave some of them to you, like this one,” her pudgy, cold finger pressed into the faded heart that resided on your chest, the first of many indelible sins he had etched onto your form. Only the top half of the carved symbol was viewable above the collar of your shirt, so she tugged at the loose hem until she could see it in its horrible entirety.

“Daddy said he gave you this one because he loves you so much,” her voice grew quiet, a thoughtful look in her eye as they drank in wounds you wished you could forget, “Daddy loves me too, right mommy? You think he’ll give me a cute heart someday too?”

You felt as if you had been hit by a train.

“S-top,” the words were forced from your throat, airy and breathless, as if someone was wringing your neck to make them come out, “p-please, just stop talking.”

“What did you say mama,” your daughters sing-song voice responded as her fingers continued to trace and prod your scars, “You are whispering, is it a secret?”

“I told you to SHUT UP!”

As if following your command, your booming voice instantly silenced the small girl. Unused to such a violent outburst from her mother, her happy-go-lucky nature quickly shifted to one of alert, her tiny body going rigid as she stared up at you with fearful eyes.

Seeing her in such a state and knowing that you were the cause of it would normally have killed you inside, making you fall to your knees to beg for the child’s forgiveness. But right now, the thin thread that had been holding you together had snapped, and your words rushed out in a torrent you couldn’t begin to quell.

“Shut up, shut up, shut UP!” You seethed, clasping your hands to your ears to try and block out your own intrusive voice, “Just STOP TALKING about it! What are you even saying? Why would you ever want to look like this?!”

Tears started to flood your eyes, blurring the image of the girl who had quickly jumped from your lap and was now cowering before you. Through your bleary vision, you could see tears were brimming her eyes as well.

“You… You have no idea,” your voice warbled, shaking in equal parts grief and frustration, “You have no clue what you are saying, so just STOP IT. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND DON’T YOU DARE SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!”

You slunk from the chair down to the floor, burying your face in your cold, stiff hands. The soft blubbering of your daughter could be heard through your own sobbing.

“I-I’m sorry mommy. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

Hearing her broken voice began to shatter the spell you had been under, instant regret jerking you roughly back to reality. Your head sunk lower, your body scrunching itself up as tightly as possible to hide from this cruel reality.

Your screams were born from deeply buried feelings of hatred, tucked far, far away as a means of self-preservation. For a moment, you felt as if you despised your daughter, her existence tethering you to this wretched excuse of a life, binding you irrevocably to Ren. But as you lifted your heavy head, glancing up to stare into her young face, a face so very similar to your own, a face contorted in panic and sadness over her mother’s abrupt descent into madness… you realized it wasn’t her that you hated.

It was yourself.

Your daughter didn’t deserve this. She deserved normalcy. She deserved a father that didn’t pose a threat to her. She deserved a mother that wasn’t ruined by his hands. She deserved a happy and untroubled life, not to be stuck being raised in a barbed cage, navigating her way through life with nothing but the shattered remains of a battered woman to guide her.

“I’m so sorry,” you choked under the weight of your overwhelming emotions, snot and tears running freely down your ruddy cheeks and chin, “I’m so, so sorry baby…”

“What the hell is going on?”

You hadn’t heard the front door open, nor had you heard Ren’s jubilant greeting as he entered your home. He had no doubt been upset by the lack of welcome-it was one thing to be ignored by a child, but his doting wife? That was not something he was not apt to look past.

But surely any feelings of annoyance or frustration fled from his mind the moment he entered the room, his eyes falling upon your crumpled, messy form collapsed on the floor. You cursed his arrival, upset that he entered the scene at such a compromising time, right as you were struggling to regain an ounce of composure and properly apologize to the little girl who had done nothing wrong.

“D-daddy,” your daughter’s voice warbled as she barreled towards him, colliding into his waiting embrace. You wiped at your face in a desperate attempt to hide your previous outpouring of emotions, doing your best to avoid eye contact with Ren as his sharp gaze quickly flicked from you, to his daughter.

This had already become enough of a scene without Ren’s interference, it was best to try and begin damage control now. 

“Daddy I-I made mommy cry!” Tears continued to pour from your daughter’s eyes, her face twisting into a look of pure dismay. Her misguided admission of guilt made you recoil, knowing full well it would grant her no favors with the person she seeking comfort from. “I’m really sorry daddy! I didn’t mean to!”

After several endless seconds of silence, Ren spoke.

“… You made her cry?”

His voice was far sharper than it needed to be, further agitating the precarious state of affairs. In most cases he would have offered your daughter leniency, letting her get away with far more than she probably should. However that leniency was null and void if you ended up suffering in the process.  Ren could not forgive anyone that caused you any duress (himself, of course, being the exemption) even if that person was his own flesh and blood.

“What do you mean you made her cry? What the hell did you do to her?”

“I-I don’t know,” she wailed, a fresh wave of tears spurred on by the accusatory tone of her father’s voice, “I just told mommy I thought her marks were pretty and then she started crying! I wasn’t lying daddy, I like them! I think they make mommy look really pretty!”

“Her marks…?” Ren’s look of vexation began to dissipate as the meaning of her words donned on him. He lifted his arm, rolling up his sleeve to reveal his own scars to the little girl. Pointing a clawed finger to them, he leaned down until he was looking her in the eye, “You mean like these?”

As she nodded her head vigorously in confirmation, Ren tutted, “That’s the reason for all the water works? An innocent compliment started all this fussing?” He scoffed, shaking his head, “Isn’t that a little bit… silly?

You tensed at the sound of his barking laugh, your frown deepening as an amused grin spread wider across his lips. You wished that you could say it was shocking for him to have such disregard after finding the two of you in such an agitated state, but it was painfully in character of him to shrug off your misery and suffering as inconsequential.  How he could so nonchalantly normalize this hellish situation he kept you and your child ensnared in, you would never understand.

Your daughter was apparently sharing similar thoughts, as her face began to once more morph into a pre-sobbing scowl. She was no doubt wounded that her father was not offering her the comfort she was seeking, her emotional state already greatly weakened by her mother’s venomous tantrum.

To help quell another round of tears, Ren pulled the child closer, wrapping her up in his arms so that her tiny form was nearly enveloped by him.  “Shhh, no more tears angel,” he cooed sweetly, patting her head gently to appease her, “There isn’t any reason to cry, especially because… Well, you’re right! Mommy’s whole body is pretty, isn’t it? Her marks just compliment the beauty that’s already there.”

Slowly but surely, her tears began to dissipate. Hunched over shoulders loosened, and sniffles and hiccups gave way to even breathing. Like clockwork, her father’s gentle handling soothed her, the same touch that destroyed you offering her salvation.

As if under a spell, the turmoil that had overcome your daughter quickly began to vanish, her sobbing fading into quiet sniffles. Once she was fully calmed, Ren continued speaking, “That’s all you meant to say to mommy, right angel? I’m sorry she took it the wrong way, she’s probably just tired or hungry, you know how mommy gets. She’ll get over it in no time flat!”

Heat spread through your body at his flippant dismissal of your feelings, an indignant blush lighting your cheeks as you gripped your hands tightly at your side. Your previous emotional episode left you all but drained, but your will to fight back against his callous commentary could never truly be contained.

“In fact, I bet she is already over it now,” Ren’s voice took on a jovial tone as he directed his focus solely on you, “Aren’t you, pumpkin?”

With the ball suddenly in your court, you flinched as both sets of expectant eyes fell on you. Your own eyes darted from Ren’s piercing glare, down to your daughter’s wide-eyed look of unbridled hope. You felt much like the rabbit that had been caught by the fox, stuck in a lose-lose situation. Seeing him hunched over her small body as she clutched to him as a life line, openly concerned that her mother may once more reject her while her father remained a bastion of strength and understanding, left you reeling. Either you would get heated again and stay the villain, but possibly hold on to an ounce of your dignity, or concede to Ren and have yet another piece of your soul wither away and die-the price to pay so that your daughter could remain in blissful ignorance for another day.

“Aren’t you, pumpkin?” He repeated himself slowly, enunciating each word. The kindness in his voice serving only as a mask for the threat buried beneath.

“Y-yes,” you responded quickly, shooting them both a smile you hoped was convincing, “I am very sorry, baby. Daddy is right. Mommy is just… tired.”

A serene smile lit her face, your words placating her. Seeing her happy once more helped relieve a bit of the ache in your own heart, making the lie worth it.

“Good, good,” Ren affirmed with a nod, carefully detaching himself from your daughter as he stood, “but you know little one, mommy deserves some love too, don’t you think? She may have been in the wrong, but it’s not nice to make her cry like that. Why don’t you go give her a hug, hm?”

With no further persuading necessary, she quickly padded over to you, hopping on your lap with so much enthusiasm that it nearly knocked the wind from you. Her arms tightly latched around your torso as she smushed her face into your chest, rubbing it back and forth like she was trying to burrow beneath your skin.

“I love you mommy,” her voice spoke clearly, any hint of previous sadness long gone. You sighed, relieved that this dramatic chapter was over as you pulled your daughter closer to you.

“I love you too.”

During this show of affection, Ren had made his way behind you, slinking so deftly you hadn’t even known he had moved until you heard him chuckle softly behind you.

“This is what I like to see,” he spoke with a sickeningly dreamy sigh, “nothing makes me happier than when my two girls are happy.”

He placed his hands gingerly atop your shoulders, trailing them down until they rested on your arms. His thumbs pressed gently against the marred skin, rubbing in a small circular motion in an attempt to subdue you. His claws grazed your flesh, uncomfortably scratching against you as they snagged against your skin.

He planted a firm and lingering kiss to the side of your head, pulling away just enough that his lips grazed the shell of your ear. “There really was nothing to cry about,” he whispered breathily, his words quiet enough that despite your daughters’ proximity, she would have no chance of hearing them. “It’s almost unfair how gorgeous you are, scars and all. But you must know that, right my sweet pet? I tell you all the time.”

Ren took in a deep breath, releasing it in a shaky sigh, “Seeing these scars reminds me of all we have been through, all that we share. They are a symbol of our bond.”

One of his claws pressed down sharply, a small bead of blood pooling around the piercing. Leisurely he began to drag his finger up your arm, a thin red line following in its wake. You shivered at the burning sensation, but deigned to give him any reaction further than that.

“Don’t forget pumpkin, these pretty marks are a reminder of my constant love for you.” He chuckled softly, peppering a few kisses to the back of your neck while his claws slowly sunk deeper, “And right now I am feeling  terribly sentimental, so for old times’ sake, why don’t I add a few more to remind you just how precious to me you are~?”

[prince-jjae]

Pancakes for Dinner.

pairing; beomgyu/reader.

genre; angst, smut, fluff. (so much fluff, im so sorry.)

warnings; childhood friend!gyu, roommate!gyu, hate sex (kinda, not between gyu and reader), yearning...so much yearning..., one-sided affection (or is it?), toxic!gyu, aggressive!gyu, choking used as an intimidation tactic

jjaes comments; this one is.. kinda wild. its taken me weeks to write this. it rlly kicked my ass. this is a little over 5.5k words of pure angst, yearning and fluff. pls dont let this flop. thanks to my beta readers (wives) @liverspaghett and @hyukascampfire, i wouldnt have finished this without you guys.<3

Living with Beomgyu was a horrible idea. One of your worst, by far.

At first, it seemed like the most logical thing to do. You had been nearly inseparable as children, having spent your whole lives attached at the hip. When the looming task of moving out for college came up, of course, staying with your one and only best friend was the best idea you could come up with. And, of course, he jumped at the chance to have some form of familiarity in such a foreign space.

That was two years ago. Things were simpler, back then.

You huffed out a heavy sigh, forehead pressed against the cool glass of the plane. You were headed back home after a much needed trip away. You went alone, of course, much to Beomgyu’s irritation. You always did everything together, why not this, too? You didn’t have the heart to tell him. You simply couldn’t bring yourself to.

How would you even begin to tell him that you loved him, anyway?

–

It started shortly after you two had moved in together. You found yourself drowning in a pile of schoolwork. Essay after essay, quiz after quiz. One particular assignment had you at your wits end, eyes scanning over the same line of text over and over as if rereading it would help it sink in better than the first 7 times you did so. Your head fell against your desk with a loud thunk, the dull pain behind your eyes mixing with the new pain blooming on your forehead. Before you could lift your head to drop it on your desk again, your door opened with the faintest of knocks and a call of your name.

“Hey… you alright? You're gonna knock any sense you have left right out of your head if you keep doing that,” he snarked. Typical Beomgyu, trying to lift your spirits with jokes and half-hearted insults. You snorted out a humourless laugh.

“This homework is leading me to believe I never had any to begin with,” you replied, voice hollow and irritated. Beomgyu’s smirk fell right off his face. He moved closer to you, brows furrowing in concern.

“Hey, wait– Don’t talk about my best friend like that,” he rushed to soothe you, frowning as pulling you out of your uncomfortable desk chair and into his arms. Even as adults, you two were always a bit too touchy. You couldn’t bring yourself to care as you melted into his hold with ease. Usually, you were a bit iffy about physical affection. As kids, Beomgyu made it a point to make you accept him and his love. It was his life’s goal, apparently. One he had achieved after 6 years of hard work. Now, you were putty in his careful hands. you let your frustrations melt from your body until only comfort remained, comfort only Beomgyu could give you. He always had a way of making you feel better.

He rested his chin atop the crown of your head, rubbing soothing circles into your back, right where he knew all your tension would be held. “You're one of the smartest people I’ve ever known. You’re not only incredibly smart, but incredibly talented. I will not abide by this slander,” he half-joked at the end, trying to ease you into the way he saw you. You just huffed in reply, burying your face in his chest. He pulled back just enough so he could fix your skewed glasses on your face, smiling at you with that same lopsided grin he had when you first met as children.

“Let's take a break, yeah? I think I heard some ice cream and a movie calling our names.”

–

You always knew he was attentive, that he would make his future partner feel like the most cherished thing on the planet. But after about a year of him being attentive with you, you had a horrifying realisation.

Your heart swooping in your chest when he brought you your favourite snacks randomly, surprising you with your favourite coffee before classes, when he would make you pancakes for dinner as a surprise– it was slowly making one thing terrifyingly clear in your head. You didn’t want his attention to be anywhere else. Those thoughts that you had before about him making a future partner happy no longer felt like a pleasant thought, but it had jealousy rolling white-hot in your stomach. You weren't ready for him to dote on someone else the way he doted on you.

Still, you revelled in the feeling for now. Was it selfish to want to keep this, even if it was temporary? Perhaps, but you couldn’t bring yourself to deny him. Especially when he sat on your bedroom floor, back pressed to the side of your bed as you wrote your latest essay, strumming his guitar to fill the air. He was working on a new song, he had said. There were no lyrics quite yet, but the melody he was creating was so.. soothing. It made your head spin with warmth and comfort, but there was a yearning there that you couldn’t help but pick up on. You turned in your desk chair, facing him with your lips pulled into a curious pout.

“What’s it about?” you had asked him, voice gentle and soft as if you were afraid that speaking any louder would disturb the comfortable vibes that had settled over your room. He glanced up from his guitar, head tilted at you like a puppy. Your heart stuttered in your chest, making you glance away. You couldn't maintain eye contact when he looked at you like this, as if you hung the moon and stars for him.

“I’m… honestly not sure. But it seems like it wants to be a love song of some sort,” he replied, looking equally as perplexed. You sat up a bit straighter in your seat.

“Wants to be? Does a song know what it wants to become?” You frowned, confused. Beomgyu was always hard to figure out, even moreso when he became so beautifully poetic like this out of seemingly nowhere. He nodded quickly, soft blond curls bouncing at the movement.

“Every piece of art knows what it wants to become. You just have to let it decide.”

You sat there, stunned into silence. His words hit you in a way you never expected. You thought back to all of your unfinished stories, fictions you had written over the years that never saw the light of day. Only Beomgyu knew about a few of them, not all. After all, how could you tell him that a lot of the stories you wrote were about him? You realised he was right. Whenever you wrote, especially lately, your stories tended to go wherever they wanted. No matter how hard you tried writing various genres, various storylines, various characters.. It always came back to him. It was always him, in the end. You smiled at him, leaning back in your chair as you turned around to complete your essay.

“I think I get it.”

But you didn’t get the chance to tell him. You weren’t brave enough by then.

–

It was 6 months ago when he shattered your internal fantasies. He walked through the front door as normal, tossing his keys in the dish and taking his shoes off. Everything seemed normal, but you instantly knew something was off. Maybe it was the way he seemed a little too giddy today, maybe it was the way his cheeks were tinged red despite the temperate weather outside, but you had a looming feeling that something was about to destroy you today.

You should have trusted your gut.

The news was not surprising, really. That he had a crush on someone and it was going well. No, what gutted you was that it had apparently been brewing for months now, while you were blissfully unaware. You were too busy falling for Beomgyu that you hadn’t noticed him falling, too. But not with you.

Still, he was your best friend. You had no choice but to find joy in his happiness, even if it wasn't shared with you the way you wanted. So you smiled as wide as you were able, congratulating him with as much true happiness as you could muster. He grinned, the smile bright and blinding as he swept you up in his arms, spinning you around. It sliced through your heart knowing that he did all of this platonically.

“God, I really think they’re the one..” he breathed, sounding dazed. He was entirely unaware of the sound of your heart shattering in your chest, nor of the way your fake smile faltered for just a moment.

–

You decided it was time to go on a trip. You needed to get out. Fast. You needed to be as far from Beomgyu as possible, as fast as possible. Luckily you had plenty of vacation time from work built up, and within a few months, you were packed up and ready at the door of your shared apartment.

“Gyu, cmon.. You’ll live without me, right? It’s only for two weeks, and I’ll be back before you know it,” you rushed to console him, even at your own expense. Truthfully, you didn’t want to come back to him. He was absent from the apartment almost all the time now, spending all his time with his new partner. You no longer knew what he was up to, nor how his classes were going, if he was happy, sad, upset. You were a stranger, now. Such an intense change in your dynamic with him became a hot knife in your stomach, carving out your worst emotions and putting them on full display.

It was a tearful goodbye, but not on your account. Beomgyu was a blubbering mess, clinging to your shirtsleeve as if letting go would mean he would never see you again. You rolled your eyes at his dramatics, shrugging him off before ruffling your hand through his fluffy hair as you always did. “Besides, you’ll probably be too busy with your partner to have time fussing over me.”

You knew your words were a low blow, but watching his eyes water and bottom lip quiver stroked your ego just slightly. He frantically shook his head side to side with such a fervour you were sure he would break his neck if he kept going. You placed your hands on either side of his face to still him, his cheeks squishing against your palms. He stared at you with those big puppy eyes you loved, and your heart tugged in your chest. You wanted to kiss him. You wanted to hold him. You wanted to just stay here with him instead of running away like the coward you are.

Alas, he wasn’t yours to do so with, so you pulled away.

Gripping your suitcase, you walked toward the taxi waiting for you, but something gave you pause as your hand made contact with the door handle. You looked over your shoulder, giving him your best, watery excuse of a smile you could muster.

“Be good, okay? Be back soon.”

“You’d better.”

–

If you had some foresight, you would have shut down your computer before you left. Although, in your defence, you were too preoccupied with getting the hell out of the house that you did little to prepare your room for your departure. It really shouldn't be surprising that Beomgyu would go snooping in your room when you weren't there. It was perfectly innocent, he swore! He missed you so much. He needed to be in there to feel your presence again.

It had only been a few days since you had left, and the apartment was eerie without you. He realised just how much you lit up the room when you were there, keeping the apartment’s atmosphere warm and fuzzy with just your presence. He was content with just sitting on your bedroom floor as he usually did. He talked out loud about his day, rambling in his usual way and imagining you were watching with rapt attention and nodding along as always. He caught himself, pressing his lips into a thin line when he realised what he was doing. This was pathetic. He could just call you, but your phone seemed to be off. Not being able to contact you at all times settled a pit deep in his stomach that he didn’t like. His connection to you was severed; cut off at the neck, and he was floundering. He didn’t know what to do without you, so he dragged himself off of your bedroom floor and into his own room, flopping himself face-down on his own bed.

A few hours later, when he realised he couldn’t get a wink of sleep without you, he dragged himself out of bed. If he couldn’t sleep, he could at least do something productive, right? He went back to that song he was trying to write, guitar in his lap and pencil tapping against his plush bottom lip as he tried to concentrate. “Cmon.. let the song write itself..” he tried to coach himself through it, to no avail. After an hour of staring at a blank lyric page, he let out a defeated groan. Moments later, he found himself in front of your bedroom door. He couldn't recall how he ended up there, honestly. He swore his feet followed the familiar path to your room of their own volition. He pushed your door open, eyes fluttering just slightly at the way your scent hit him like a wall. He could feel his muscles release the pent-up tension he must've gained during his poor excuse for rest. Beomgyu sighed as he stepped through the threshold of your room. He wanted to settle on the floor with his back against the side of your bed like he always did, but something tugged at him today.

He sat in front of your computer.

You were a writer. He knew that much. He had read a handful of things you deemed good enough for his eyes, and he was positively enraptured with the way you wove words into intricate stories that tugged on his heartstrings. He was hoping, however selfish that hope was, that he could find something to inspire him into writing that damn song. You always inspired him, so surely your writing would do the same.

He swore he wouldn’t snoop for too long, wanting to find something from you, anything from you to aid him in his songwriting woes- and then he found it. Scrolling innocently through your saved documents, something caught his eyes.

“Pancakes for Dinner..” he read off the screen, the combination of words tugging at something familiar deep in his brain. How could he resist? He clicked the document open.

This work was different from your usual writing. It was in a poem format, and the pacing was reminiscent of a song. He wondered, distantly, just when you had the time to write something so interesting- oh.

2 hours ago.

You were writing this on your trip, probably with your laptop or phone. Something about that fact made his heart sink. You obviously had access to the internet, why weren't you talking to him? Were you avoiding him? It seemed unfathomable, you ignoring your best friend, just as he couldn't imagine ignoring you. Frowning, he pushed himself to read.

“Don't want to be forward, don't want to cross a line

But if I were to crash in this plane tonight,

I'd want you to know this.

Don't want to say too much, intrude on your space

But if I were to crash and I didn’t make it home

I’d want you to know this.”

Beomgyu's heart was in his throat. Crashing..? He hated the idea. You were going to be safe. He didn't even want to entertain the idea of you never coming home to him. You were a fact in his universe. A fixed point. Unchangeable. And here you were, writing about dying? About never coming back to him? He felt sick.

“Oh, and to say it is too scary, so I’ll just say something else

And I wish that you could hear me when I talk to myself

But this plane might not land safely

So, what the hell do I have to lose

If I just tell you?

I wanna eat pancakes for dinner

I wanna get stuck in your head

I wanna watch a TV show together

And when we’re under the weather

We can watch it in bed

I wanna go out on the weekends

I wanna dress up just to get undressed

I know that I should probably tell you this

In case there is an accident and I never see you again

So please save all your questions for the end

Maybe I’ll be brave enough by then.”

Beomgyu was floored to say the least. As always, your way with words was so intricate and amazing that he could do little else but read in awe. Something about it irritated him, though. This felt too.. Intimate. Not for his eyes. He knew he was invading your space, yes, but this felt too personal, even for you. You were always so reserved, keeping your emotions hidden and to your chest. Beomgyu prided himself in being able to read you better than anyone else, and yet.. These words. This song you wrote, these lyrics hit too close to home, somehow. He pushed on, but something nagged at the back of his mind that if he continued, things between the two of you would fundamentally change forever. It was a stupid thought, anyway, so he pushed it aside.

“Don't want to say something wrong

Don't want to be weird

But if you're still in love with her

I think that I’ll leave it there

And I won’t ever tell you this.”

The words felt like ice cold water washing over him, stinging and shocking him to his core. You were in love, weren’t you? It was obvious now that he reread the previous lines. You were head over heels. He should be happy for you, he knew that. He should be ecstatic that you could find someone to feel this way about, but that happiness never came. Instead, something raw and ugly clawed its way up his throat, causing him to push away from your desk and slam the door to your room. He didn’t know why he was acting this way. He didn’t care to know. Instead, he threw himself into anything and everything else, trying to rid your heartfelt words from his mind. You were in love, and all it did was piss him off. He completely forgot about his song, and completely forgot to close the tab he was on.

He spent the following few days in a bit of an angry haze. He was meaner. Rougher. you'd be shocked to see what he had become in the wake of his realisation. Part of him wanted to be ashamed of what he was turning into, but he couldn't find it in himself to give a damn. You were in love, he was dating someone, that was the end of it. So he took his anger out in a way he thought would aid him in keeping his priorities straight.

–

“Gyu, wait- slow down-!” his girlfriend cried, but it fell on deaf ears. He simply growled into her ear and gripped her hips in a bruising hold. He was being too mean, he knew that, but he didnt care. Her voice was starting to irritate him. It didn’t sound right. Her moans didn’t sound as pretty as they did before. This knowledge made him hiss and move harder, fuck her faster; Shoving her head into the pillows to muffle the moans that he usually loved to hear.

“Shut the fuck up, whore. You’ll take what I give you,” he spat, fingers tangling in her hair, shoving her face harder into the pillows as he continued to plough into her. She was using your nickname for him. He knew why she was doing it, wanting to exert some sort of power over you in your absence. It made him scowl, but it wasn't enough to make him stop.

It didn’t matter, in the end. It didn’t matter how often he fucked her. It didn’t matter how many surfaces of your shared apartment that he did it on. It didn’t even matter when he did it in your bed. The rage gripped his heart, unrelenting, leaving a foul taste in his mouth. Maybe he was sick in the head for this, for trying to wash you out of his life. He shouldn’t be acting this way. He knew he shouldn't be. But he couldn't help himself. He couldn't stop the anger from pushing him beyond his usual limits, turning him into something unrecognisable.

It was the day before you were supposed to come home, and he was exhausted. He supposed that the rage-induced fuckfest he found himself in was just his way of blowing off steam. It was fucked up, it was childish, and he was finally coming down from it.

Kinda.

He had the sense to break up with his girlfriend by now, thank god. It was a rough affair, full of screaming matches and scathing words. She was furious, of course. Not that Beomgyu cared. She was going off on a tirade about you, but he was only half-listening. Something about how she was better than he deserved, that she would get him back for this, that he was a jerk. He just kept staring somewhere beyond her ear, waiting for her to be done. Then she made a horrible mistake.

“Its them, isnt it?” Her words were enough to finally knock Beomgyu out of his trance. His gaze sharpened, zeroing in directly on her face.

“What?” He questioned, though his words felt too sharp, too dangerous. If she had any sense, he thought, she would recognise his words as the warning it was and leave it alone. Alas, she was just as dumb as he expected.

“Your roommate. They’re doing this. They’re the reason, aren't they? That bitch-” Before she could get any further insults out, Beomgyu had her by the throat.

“Shut the fuck up.” He almost grinned when she finally had the sense to look scared. He was seething. No one insulted his friend. You were more than just his roommate, you were his best friend. You were his one constant companion, his soulmate. Who was she to get in the way of that? Who was she to insult you; in front of Beomgyu, no less? Was she that fucking stupid?

He had backed her up to the front door, all the while she was spewing apologies and blubbering through her tears. He didn’t care. He stopped caring a long time ago. He only cared about you, he knew that now. He didn’t know how he had ever forgotten it. How could he have forgotten how perfect you were? How could he forget that he only had you?

It wasn't until after he had slammed the door behind her that he finally took a deep breath. It was over. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t feel much about it. She was just a distraction, really. You were his focus. You were always his focus. How stupid was he that he had lost sight of that?

The silence of the apartment rang in his ears painfully. It was taunting him, reminding him of the absence of you. He once again found himself entering your room with little memory of having walked to your door. Here, he could find some semblance of peace. Here, he could delude himself into thinking you were still here; that he could still smell you, feel you, hear you. He glanced at your computer, knowing it was still open to that document. His heart ached in his chest, jealousy eating him alive. How could you love someone else? How did you have the time to? He was almost always with you–

Except he hadn't been, had he? No, he had been too busy with his girlfriend– ex-girlfriend. He felt his chest cave in. You did have time to fall in love with someone. He had nearly done the same. He was such a hypocrite. How could he be angry with you for doing the same thing he did?

He frowned, hand shaking as he moved the mouse to wake your computer screen. He knew your password by heart, typing it in with nimble fingers and bated breath.

“Oh, ‘cause to tell you is too scary

So i’ll just say something else

Like how was fall semester?

And what was that song about?

I’ll try to hide the way I feel, But i’ll just want to shout

Oh, what do I have to lose right now?”

As he read the chorus again, something tugged at his brain. Something was so familiar about it. Even the pre-chorus felt.. Off. What was he missing? He read it and reread it, but nothing popped out to him just yet.

Then something on the screen flickered. His heart lept in his chest, eyes bulging as he watched a different coloured cursor begin to type out words. You were writing this right now. You were abroad, in some other country and yet he still shared this with you. It was almost enough to convince him that you hadn’t left at all, that you were still right here with him. If he focused hard enough, he could almost hear you typing, fingers flying over the keyboard in a flurry of movement like always.

“I think that I should probably tell you this

In case there is an accident

And I never see you again

So please save all your questions for the end

And maybe I’ll be brave enough by then.

Well, maybe I won’t ever say whats in my head

No, I won’t have to say anything

You’ll say it instead.”

That last line haunted him. It echoed in his head over and over. “You’ll say it instead”?

At first, the realisation hit him slowly. Pancakes for dinner, wanting to know what his song was about, being in love with his ex.. You were writing this song about him, weren't you? All these things lined up a little too well with the experiences he shared with you. Then it hit him all at once.

The person you were in love with was him, right? You were in love with him. Your best friend, your roommate, your soulmate. If Beomgyu was shaking beforehand, he was trembling like a leaf, now. This whole time, he was acting out and seething, he spent almost the entire time you were gone in a fit of rage, when in reality he was jealous of himself. He felt both giddy and ashamed. If only he had stayed a bit longer last time he was reading your lyrics. If only he had patience, he would have seen. He would have known that he was the object of your desires this whole time. He felt foolish, embarrassed–

But none of that mattered now. No, what mattered was that you were on your way back to him. What mattered is that you were coming back, and he was never letting you go again.

–

The plane ride back did little to calm your nerves. You had a decent time away, you supposed, but it wasnt the relaxing get-away you were hoping for. You spent the whole time fighting the urge to pick up your phone, wanting nothing more than to fall into the familiar comfort of hearing Beomgyu’s voice in your ears, the dulcet tones smoothing over every frazzled nerve you had. But no, you had to steel yourself. Moving on meant limiting contact.

Beomgyu was like a drug. The more you took of him, the more you relied on his presence, his voice, his touch, his smile. Everything about him was addictive, and you needed to quit. You’d never survive if you stayed so pathetically dependent on him. Quitting cold-turkey almost broke you. Scratch that, It did. It ruined you. You spent the first few days away sobbing into the hotel bed’s pillows, phone safety tucked away in your purse. You promised yourself you would try to find closure.

He loved someone else, plain and simple. You had to move on, not just for your sake but for his. How uncomfortable would he be if he found out about your feelings? Would he think you were disgusting for misunderstanding his actions? For creating this scenario in your head about the life you wished to have with him? Oh, god.. What if he found out about your stories? What if he knew what you wrote about? The scenarios you wove with him in mind were not something you ever wanted him to see. He could never know. He will never know.

You closed the document app on your phone, leaning your head against the window of the aeroplane as a sigh tumbled from your lips. They were bitten and gnawed beyond belief, a habit you had recently picked up as you tried to shove Beomgyu from your mind. The song was your last-ditch effort at putting your feelings from your mind. Maybe if you admitted it out loud, you could move on. Acceptance is the first step, or something like that. You closed your eyes, trying to imagine how the reunion was going to go. Should you move out? Maybe it would be best. The idea of being further separated from Beomgyu made your chest clench painfully, making you shake your head. No, you couldn’t do that. You weren’t strong enough to make that large of a step, even if it was what would save you.

If leaving Beomgyu meant your doom, you would accept your fate with open arms.

–

He was exactly where you expected him to be, standing at the terminal and waiting for you. Though, you knew it wouldn’t take any real effort to pick him from a crowd. You only ever saw him, anyways.

Before you could say anything, his eyes met you and you swore time stood still. Neither of you moved for a few long moments, just staring at each other in awe. Seeing him again, seeing the way his eyes lit up when he saw you, made all your self-respect fly out the window. All the work you had put in during your trip had been knocked down in an instant. How could you ever think you’d be anything other than his? It was written in your DNA, you belonged to Beomgyu, whether he knew it or not. That was your fate. He was your fate, no matter how hard you tried to fight it.

Then the moment broke, and you were being twirled around in a bone-crushing hug. Beomgyu was nosing eagerly at your neck, taking in your scent first-hand instead of your room. He sighed against your skin.

“You’re home,” he breathed, sounding dazed. You understood the feeling, nodding dumbly as he set you down on the linoleum again.

“I’m home,” you affirmed, looking up at him. His hands never left your waist. Normally, you'd have no problem with it but you knew this feeling of greed was wrong. Your hands pressed gently against his chest in a weak effort to push him away. Your heart wasn’t into it. “You have a girlfriend, Gyu, hands off.” Beomgyu scoffed, face hardening at the mention of her.

“Ex,” he corrected, staring down at you with an intensity that had your stomach tensing. “Ex-girlfriend.” He clarified, hands staying firmly planted on your waist. You swore you could feel his thumb stroking your side gently, but you were sure it was just your imagination.

“Oh..? Are you okay–” You couldn’t get any further words out, not when his lips pressed to yours like that. You froze, muscles stiffening under his hold. He paid it no mind, continuing to kiss you senseless. When you finally began to relax against him, he pulled away. Your eyes were wide as saucers, staring up at him as you fumbled for words. “I– you– what–?”

“I’ll say it instead,” He began, sounding just as breathless as you did. When you looked at him with confusion, he just laughed. “That love song I was writing was for you. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was. It was always going to be for you. I make you pancakes for dinner because I know you don't like candies, but still crave something sweet at night. I bring your favourite coffee to you before your classes because I love the way your eyes light up when you realise I memorised your order. I’ll say it instead, because I want you to know that I love you. I’ve always loved you, I think. I just never knew until I thought I had already lost you.”

Your head was spinning. He wasn’t giving you any room to breathe, instead he pressed his forehead to your own, hands moving up to hold your face in a gentle grip.

“You love me too, right? You wrote that for me, yeah? God, please say yes–” This time you were the one cutting him off with a kiss, pressing so fervently into him that his eyes rolled back into his head. This was everything he ever needed and never knew he wanted. He loved you, he would say it every day, every hour. He would be sure to remind you all the time so you never forgot. He needed you more than anything in his life.

“Yes.” You breathed against his mouth before diving right back in. With a single word he knew; he was yours, now and forever.

taglist; @hwanghyunjinismybae @biteyoubiteme @chyuuiung

[bewitched-bee]

Breeding- Rain ghoul x fem!reader

This is purely self indulgent. Wrote this just as something for me. Was gonna make it a whole thing, never wrote more. As always, I suck at the warnings, let me know if something needs added.

CW: Unprotected sex, vaginal sex, breeding, biting, knotting, mentions of heat cycles, mentions of pregnancy.

I had been told to stay away from ghouls during their heat cycles. However no one mentioned if I was mated to a ghoul, my mate mark would hurt like crazy during their cycle. I was on the couch in the dens when I felt my mate mark start hurting worse. "You okay" Swiss asks looking over at me.

“My mate mark is killing me" I say. "Oh yeah Rain's in the middle of his heat cycle. You two are mated" Swiss says. "Yeah no one warned me of this before we got mated" I say. "Well the solution is simple, let him fuck you" Swiss replies with a grin.

"I was told to stay away from ghouls in their rut.” "Water ghouls aren't aggressive like other types of ghouls. Rain will just more than likely be a little rougher than normal. And he'll want to knot you.” “He'll want to what" I reply, Swiss looks shocked and I hear someone else laugh. Dew had entered the room.

“Rainy hasn't told you anything about his rut has he" Dew asks. "He just told me to stay away. He also gave me a basic rundown of what his rut is, but he never said anything about a knot.” “Okay well you know what ghouls in their ruts do right" Dew asks sitting on the couch next to me. "Yeah" I reply looking over at him.

"The knot is for breeding purposes. So when a ghoul wants to breed someone, they'll use that knot to lock their load in you. It helps up the chances of some kits being conceived then" Dew says. "We've never talked about the possibility of children before" I reply.

"Well there's no guarantee you'll get pregnant with some kits. But if he knots you while going through his rut, then it's a higher possibility than normal" Swiss says. "So that's why he told me to stay away" I question. "More than likely yeah. Especially given you just said you two haven't discussed expanding the family" Swiss replies.

“So uh how big is his knot? I’m not exactly good with things that stretch down there.” “His knot is just a few inches thicker than his normal width, it’s not unbearable but it will be a bit of a stretch. But once he’s in, it’ll feel real good” Dew replies. “How long does it take to deflate?”

I hear Swiss snicker. “Okay Swiss, excuse me for not knowing everything about ghoul anatomy.” “I’m sorry I just thought Rain would’ve explained all this to you” Swiss replies. “Anyway the knot can take anywhere from 3-5 minutes to deflate. It depends on how worked up he gets once he’s in you” Dew says.

“Wait he can keep his knot inflated even after he cums” I ask. “Yeah he can keep it inflated as long as he wants if he keeps thrusting into you occasionally” Dew says. “If I were you, I would just go in there and see for yourself. Like I said he won’t be aggressive. He will have enough clarity to him if you ever wanna stop things” Swiss says.

“Alright guess I’ll go help him out then” I say getting up. “Have fun” Dew says with a smirk before I leave. I get to Rain’s door and immediately hear him moaning and groaning. I knock on the door, it’s not long before it opens. Rain stands there with a blanket covering his lower half.

His hair is disheveled and his cheeks are flushed. “Fuck get in here” he says grabbing my arm. He shuts the door and his lips meet mine. He lets out a whine as his cock brushes against my leg. “Please help me, it hurts so bad” he says pulling away from my lips.

“Why have you not been jacking off” I ask brushing his hair behind his ears. “I have been it doesn’t help, I’m constantly hard it won’t go down” he says. “Is it because we’re mated” I ask, Rain nods his head. “I thought I could handle it alone but I was wrong. I didn’t want to ask for help since we’ve never discussed expanding the family” he says.

“I mean it’s not guaranteed I’ll get pregnant, but if I do then so be it” I say. Rain looks up at me, his tail flicks wildly behind him. “Does this mean I can fuck you” he asks, I nod my head. “If you want to keep those clothes you better take them off, if not I’m shredding them to make this easier” he says.

“I mean I’m not attached to them” I say, he smirks before his claws rip my clothes. “Bed now” he says removing the blanket from around his waist. I get on the bed and Rain hovers over me. I notice Rain seems nervous now, “Rainy talk to me what’s going on?” “My brain is just screaming ‘breed’ and I’m so afraid. What if it takes? You’ll hate me for getting you pregnant” he says.

“Rain listen to me, if I didn’t want the possibility of a pregnancy. I wouldn’t have came in here. I’m well aware this could result in us becoming parents earlier than expected” I say as I run my thumb over his cheek in a soothing manner. “I know but I also know pregnancy is the last thing you want. But fuck my brain and body is telling me to breed you” he replies.

“Then breed me” I say looking into his teal eyes. He places his head in the crook of my neck and starts nipping at the skin. The action alone makes me clench around nothing. I can feel myself grow wetter. Rain moves his head and bites into my shoulder.

“Rain fuck” I moan as my hips buck upwards. He runs his tongue over the bite mark before he looks at me again. “I bet you’re dripping, you smell so good right now” he says. He reaches a hand down and gathers some of my wetness before he sticks his fingers in his mouth.

“You are dripping, and you taste so good. I don’t know how much longer I can hold back” he says. “Then don’t hold back” I say, with that being said he enters me in a swift motion. He lets out a sigh of relief as he starts thrusting. “You feel so good” he says, I pull him down for another kiss.

I moan against his lips when his thumb starts rubbing my clit. I can feel my orgasm building up already, “Rain I’m not gonna last” I say, he chuckles “I’m not either.” The closer I get to my orgasm, I feel the base of him start swelling. “You can take my knot can’t you” he says as his thrusts start to falter.

“Give it to me rain” I say, he growls as he pushes his knot into me. As soon as he’s all the way in, my back arches off the bed as my orgasm washes over me. Rain moans as I feel rope after rope of cum spill into me. He collapses on top of me and I start scratching at his scalp. “You were so good for me” Rain says pressing a kiss to my collarbone.

“Do you feel better now” I question, Rain’s tail wraps around my thigh. “Yeah I do.” “So we’re stuck like this for a few minutes” I question, he nods. “Yeah unless you want more rounds.” “Not now….I love you but that knot of yours hurt going in” I say.

“I’m sorry why didn’t you say anything” he says. “Didn’t want to ruin the moment, besides the pain passed as soon as I had that orgasm.” “Well I can tell you, the first time getting knotted is the worst, it’ll get easier the more it happens” he says. “Maybe we’ll try it again in a few days. Your heat cycle will be over then but can you get the knot to form any time?”

“Oh my love, you have no idea how many times I’ve almost popped a knot.” “So that’s a yes” I question, he chuckles. replying with “yeah.” We lay there in silence for a bit and I feel his knot start to go down.

“I’m thinking a nice warm bath, what do you say” he asks lacing our fingers together. “That sounds perfect actually, I don’t think I can walk though.” He chuckles, pulling out of me and gently scooping me up. “I’ve got you, I’ve always got you.”

[a-fluffy-dog24]

This is fanart I drew for the fanfic I wrote if you like what you see then please check out this fic.Here is the plot The night after the apocalypse Stan is recovering from amnesia with the help of his family. Ford apologized to Mabel. They all get some much needed food, get clean up and rest .Ford talk to Dipper about his apprenticeship. The kids talk to each other about trauma how will they help Stan get his memories back? Will it be to difficult for them to handle?

August/22/2012 The night after weirdmageddon The Pines Family and Waddles stay with Soos, until Mcgucket and the town folks help fix the shack, they pack up most of their stuff  for the night.Pacifica gives them all new clothes and pj's.

The kids pjs are pink and blue ones with cats on it and one with dogs.Abuela gave the kids Turkey, lettuce and tomato sandwiches and they ate them like two little starved puppies.Since they haven't eaten a whole lot in the last 3 days.And gave the boys some coffee. And offered them a sandwich.Soos let them stay with him like they stayed with him when Gideon took their shack.

6:00 pm "I'm going to take the longest bubble bath ever" she announces Mabel goes to take a bath, Dipper unpack his bag in the living room. Soos set up the boys air mattress for the night."Anything you dudes need just ask me" Soos offered

"will be fine thank you've done so much"Ford said "yea Soos I don't know what we would do without you thank you"Stan told him .Stan and Ford sat on the couch. "Stanley, how are you doing?" "Good I'm starting to remember things I think.", "Ok that's good let me know if you are in any sort of pain please,I'm just concerned that recovering from Bill might be painful".Ford said worriedly

"I will thank you poindexter" "I found some old photos from when we were children, to show you at some point". Ford replied "I hope that will help" "I think it will..you're getting better" Ford hugs him and Stan hugs him back. A unpleasant smell fills the air “Stan did you just fart” Ford Sided. “Whoops must be the coffee” Stan laughed a little Ford ignoring his brother’s shenanigans let a little smile out at least his acting like himself.

When Dipper was done unpacking he said "Grunkle Stan do you want some toffee peanuts" asked Dipper "Umm I think so...sure", Dipper handed him his favorite snack and he ate them happily. "Grunkle Stan do you remember how you fought zombies" "umm no" "remember I rose the dead umm....accidentally","oh yeah that was frustrating "Stan grunted he remembered Dipper doing something he told him not too and he did it anyway "I'm sorry about that, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you and I feel bad for almost killing those Government guys"Dipper apologized.

"It's ok goober don't do that again"Stan rubs Dipper's head " but after we sang and killed zombies"he added " that was fun I liked getting to use my brass knuckles "Stan remembered. Then Mabel came out of the bathroom wearing pink and blue cat pjs. She found some band-aids and put them under her pjs and one on her cheek,She had a brush in her hand and she smelled like strawberries and mangoes.Ford walks over to her and been down to her eye level and put his hand on her shoulder ."Mabel I would like to apologize for how I chose Dipper over you and how I try to take your brother away from you

I'm sorry I didn't spend time getting to know you. I hope you can forgive me and I would love to spend some time together if you want to". She hugged him. He was a bit surprised he didn’t think she would want to show him affection. He picked her up. "I thought you liked Dipper more than me." "Well I'm sorry I did it was rash and mean of me to not show you that I like you,but I promise I'll make it up to you can you forgive me please"."I forgive you Grunkle Ford I would love to color,or I could paint your hand and make a 6 fingers hand turkey, or or I could teach you how to knit your own sweater"." Let's do it tomorrow my dear How was your bath," Ford asked . "I could have filled a whole other bathtub with all the bubbles,it was so warm and soapy". “You didn’t use all the hot water did you” he joked she smiled and shook her head no.

Then Mabel walked over to the couch where Stan,Dipper she sat on Stan’s lap.She handed him the brush and gave him her brown puppy dog eyes.He smiled, took the brush and brushed her, clean wet hair he held her on his lap and she looked very glad. He doesn't mind doing this for her; he can't say no to her. She is so darn cute.She loved this because of the attention.Then Ford went and took a shower. "That felt amazing. I love bubble baths" 'you want to hear a secret I do too", Stan said to her in a whisper. He kisses her cheek and she smiles, "Yea we know" Dipper grumbles”Well at least I don't stink like a wet dog", "yea kid you do stink and have like a sweating problem" Stan teased him. "I don't care …… Grunkle Stan do you remember, the jokes you would tell us" they read out of the uncle jokes book.

"Like why did the skeleton go alone to the dance" Dipper asked "umm Because he had nobody to go with him" Stan answered ,"yay you remember"she cheered "keep reading"They read more and Stan remembered every punch line.After Ford came over to sit on the couch he was wearing green and white plaid pjs, "the bathroom is free" he announced."Ok I'm gonna go wash up" Stan gets up and Mabel and waddles follow him in the hallway

"Grunkle Stan I have to ask you a question", "what is it?" "do you remember when you saved us from dinosaurs''. "What no?""Remember you saved me and waddles, we nap together' waddles sat on his feet ' you taught me how to cheat at cards". She showed him her scrapbook and pictures from that day and it helped," "Oh right I must've taught you well because you bet me.,.thanks for helping me remember ""I just didn't want you to forget me". He picks her up and holds her in his arms "how could I forget you're my pumpkin".

7:00 pm Just then Wendy showed up with 3 pizzas and cookies, "save some pizza for me " he told her "ok" ."Who wants pizza" Wendy announced "me" Mabel shouted "me too"Dipper called, they all ate pizza together she brought pepperoni and cheese.Ford was sitting on a chair Mabel sneaks up behind him she hugs him ,"HUG ATTACK" "ahhh" Ford act scared "Grunkle Ford did I scared you"

"yes come here my dear",he picks her up and puts her on his lap, and put all 12 fingers on her belly and tickles her she giggles and then he sang to her"I've got sunshine on a cloudy day When it's cold outside I've got the month"he rubs her belly "of May I guess you'd say What can make me feel this way? My girl, my girl" he kissed her on the head. "I've got so much honey."she giggles "The bees envy me. I've got a sweeter song Than the birds in the trees. Well I guess you'd say "What can make me feel this way My girl, my girl,"she hugs him.

There is one cookie left and both kids want it "ok dudes who wants the last cookie" ."I do" said Dipper "but you already had 3 cookies"Mabel added "so did you"Dipper argued, "ok but I'm the alpha twin I should have it" she said "what does that happen to do with a cookies",he argued"because I'm older" "BY 5 Minutes" he reminded her "you know what you can have it",she surrendered the cookie "wait what if we split it" "ok sure little brother" they split the cookie. after they were done Mabel said"awkward sibling hug" "ok awkward sibling hug" they hug "pat pat" "pat pat" . Then Stan came and he sat down and ate his pizza, he was wearing red and black plaid pjs.After dinner their bellies were all full then Mabel and Wendy,soos, played a game of go fish."Ok dude go fish" "no I only have two hands", Wendy picked up more cards Mabel is almost close to winning Stan sat on a chair and happily watched the kids play.

7:45 pm Dipper and Ford sat on the couch "Dipper can I have a word with you" "yes" "I think you shouldn't be my apprentice, I don't think I can handle taking care of you by myself.And you are still a child you should enjoy being one. I don't want you to get hurt. I know I haven't done the best job trying to keep you safe. You need to go to school and socialize with kids your own age, and you need to grow up with your sister","ok I understand I was thinking the same thing I would miss my parents and my sister too much",Dipper replied"but when you are older I would love you to be but only if you want to ..I need to stop being your teacher and start being your…umm….Grunkle ". Ford looks at Dipper, he smiles back at him

Dipper itches his head. It looks very greasy, his clothes are dirty, he smells strongly of body odor and pee ." How long has it been since you've bathed?" Ford questioned "I..don't know..a couple, weeks maybe a month or two I guess ". "That's disgusting go shower now ” Ford ordered “no…..you’d have to make me….I don’t want too” he stubbornly said “fine then I will wash you,"Ford told him annoyed . Dipper tries to move away Ford picks him up, and puts him over his shoulder,"you need a bath you have a rancid odor " he insisted Dipper grumbles. Ford scrubs pine scented shampoo in with 6 fingers in his hair softly,he reveals his birthmark . He scrubs his body with strawberries scented soap.Dipper looked up at him annoyed "you wouldn't be in this situation if you bathe properly " Ford displease put more soap on the sponge.

"Come on this isn't that horrible It’s for your own good” Ford rub's and tickles his belly.He giggled Ford smiles at him and he starts to sing."Disco girl coming through that girl is you Ooh-ooh, ooh" ."It's the year 1972 and that girl is you Ooh-ooh-ooh," Dipper sings."You like disco girl too" he ask Ford "yes I had the cassette tape a long time ago” "umm I have it I can give it back to you.I think Mabel put some stickers on it sorry I like it so much I bought the CD" Dipper said "That's my boy No you keep it...Doesn't that feel better than having an unpleasant smell " "yea it does I forgot that feeling" ,"you need to do this every day a shower and deodorant it essential to so you don't get an itchy infection "Ford told him "Yeah, I know that I guess I just need a reminder "Dipper replied. “I understand god knows even I forget to basic human needs from time to time.But working on making it a routine”Ford washed him again.

Then Ford drys him off he looks at the tiny cuts on Dipper's arm. Worriedly thinking that he fell down or something that hopefully that he wasn't hurting himself "that's when Bill possessed me he stabbed my arm with a fork"."Oh my lord that's terrible ..you know you don't have to fear Bill anymore" , "Grunkle Ford are you sure?" "I promise" Ford reassures him and puts some band- aids on the cuts on his arm and some more band-aids on the scrapes on his cheek and leg. Then Ford wasps him up in a white towel puts him on his lap and hugs him tightly. Ford kisses him on his head Dipper thinks that he likes when Grunkle Ford takes care of him. And Ford is thrilled to be a great uncle. He loves doing this kind of stuff for his grand nephew it's more enjoyable than an apprentice could ever be.Then Ford brushes his hair Dipper yawns and puts on his pink and blue dog pjs they finish, brushing their teeth.

8:18 pm Abuela washes all of their clothes and hats Wendy goes home and Soos goes to bed, Mabel fell asleep on a red blanket on the floor,Stan picks up the sleepy girl and tucked her into bed, with a warm orange blanket on the couch waddles got on the couch beside her you can see her blue pjs with pink cats on it she opens her eyes ."Grunkle Stan, I feel bad for causing weirdmaggedon" he can’t remember what had happened a couple days before the war.

“I’m sorry I really don’t remember” he told her “you saved us in the Tower in the sky when bill Conch me and Dipper…but you have to ease your mind…all because I started the weirdmaggedon” she said worrying that it her fault that he’s like this.

He tries hard to remember what she taking about and he doesn’t remember exactly how it happened. But he remembers that his niece would never do something like that on purpose."It was an accident right and I'm ok besides I'll be back to normal before you know it. " he tried to reassure her “is Grunkle Ford still going to make you move out” she asked she heard them arguing it still bothers her he might not have a place to live.

He remember a little bit he didn’t know exactly why his brother would kick him out. But he hopes that will change “probably not don’t worry pumpkin ” “ok I love you" she yawns.

" Yeah you too come on time hit the hay" she looks asleep he pats her head.As she gets comfortable in bed it starts raining hard.Then Ford carried Dipper over to the couch he was wearing, pink pjs with blue dogs on it. Dipper "finally I've waited so long to sleep on a real bed" "get some rest children" Ford said good night"Good night kids,"Stan shouted from his bed. Stan and Ford went to bed " stay on your side of the bed" "how old are you" Ford said sarcastically."I'm younger than you" Stan replied Ford rolls his eyes "right?"he can't remember for sure "Yes, younger by 15 min" Ford reassured him. "How old are we"he asks "65 unfortunately"Ford answered "god we're old men" Stan said then tried to sleep.

Back on the couch "Dipper do you feel bad for the weirdmaggedon stuff" "yeah a little, do you" she nodded her head. "I'm sorry… I gave Bill the rift" she started to cry. He looked a little surprised.

"I stayed in the time bubble he made.I was scared of weirdmaggedon happening outside ,and worst of all WE ALMOST DIED and it's ALL MY FAULT " Mabel sobbed.Waddles licked her tears away "Hey it's not your fault it's Bill's fault he tricked you, you didn't know what the rift was.

I'm sorry when we had our fight I didn't think about how my decision would affect you"He rubs her back slowly. "And the time bubble you were scared of growing up and you couldn't leave if you wanted to. But it's over, we're still here safe and sound.

He hugged her "And I promise that we'll never have to go through that again .Maybe you can talk to a therapist about it when we get home" " thank you bro bro I feel better I can't wait to talk to someone .""I think I might want to talk to a therapist too, like when I almost killed those Government guys and I didn't do anything about it or when Bill possessed me and was too scared to sleep. And he said he threatened to throw my body off  the water tower and WE COULD DIE today " Dipper admitted he cried a little. She hugged him more "Bill died he can't hurt you any more I will never let you be hurt, like that again.. I love you "" I love you too". Just then they heard the loud thunder that scared her. She hugged him tighter and said "You want to go sleep in their bed" he nodded his head then they walked over to the boys bed.

"Grunkle Stan can we sleep with you guys PLEASEEE" she begged "Fine" Stan picked them up. He pats Dipper head let him kown he's good kid "Come over here my boy" Dipper crawls over to Ford's side he tells her "Mabel your a good girl it was a mistake" he reassures her that the reason.The rift broke was because he didn't trust to tell her about it.She understood that she shouldn't have gave it away but it not her fault it's bill's. "Are you scared?" Ford asks Dipper "no….maybe…..yes ".Ford tucked him in "I'm scared too" she blurted out "I've got you pumpkin I'm not going to let Bill hurt you" she hugs him. It was nice and warm under the covers much better than outside where it's cold and dark,wet.You can see the summer rain rolling down the window.Ford put his arm around Stan's shoulder Stan smiled at him tired.

Stan tucked Mabel in and cuddled her as she fell asleep. "I love you sweetie" he kisses her on the head, and listens to the sound of her breathing peacefully. He can smell her sweet scent of strawberries and mangoes. Then he sleeps too she sleeps tucked under the warm blanket on his belly with his arms cuddling her.Ford runs his 6 fingers through Dipper's hair as he falls asleep, "you're safe now I love you" Ford said and hears Dipper purring, like a kitten. Ford smells his scent of pine trees and strawberries, he sleeps close to Ford's chest.And he cuddled him. Ford tried not to fall asleep and he fails.

Mabel reaches out for Dipper's hand; they hold hands as an instinct like they would've as babies to protect each other and to know that the other one is there and is safe in their sleep. They were tucked in a warm blanket. All you can hear is the peaceful breathing and the pitter patter of the rain. The rain helps put out the small fires in the woods. They sleep peacefully through the night knowing that they can relax and they are safe and sound from evil.

August/25 A couple days later the shack is rebuilt and the Pines move back in.Stan is starting to remember more Ford tell him about their past.Ford starts at their childhoods and he apologizes for his mistakes.For shunning Stan for accidentally pushing him into the portal and Ford holding a grudge for so long. Then Ford had to ease Stan's mind. Ford sadly thought about all the years of pain .He had put him through emotional and physical pain like all the punches and the burn on his shoulder. Ford thought what kind of brother is and that He didn't even thank Stan for all the things he did to help him."You saved me you saved the world watching you I couldn't believe how calm you were I just wish you could remember ". Ford said as he started crying thinking that he started this mess with bill and now Stanley can't remember anything because of him

"I'm sorry for all the pain I put you through and I hope you can remember to forgive me " he mumble but it was Stanley that pay the price."Hey it ok thats in the past I forgive you and I love you "Stan hugs him Stan was able to forgive him because he had missed him for 30 years and he wants his brother back. He was remembering things and he kept hugging Ford and he calmed down. "Thank you Stanley,I love you too. I promise to do better,I have some old film reel of us when we were kids.

”Do you want to see" "yeah ". Ford got some popcorn and sat by Stan's chair. The clips and pictures were of them when they were little playing with paintbrush and getting paint all over themself on the beach.And goofing around at the dinner table,falling asleep on the couch and playing in the pawn shop, dressing as explorers in oversized helmets.Trying to find the Jersey Devil they do this all, in the afternoon they are so exhausted. They fall asleep together.August/28 That day Dipper and Pacifica went on an adventure,to save Mabel's face from M.r what's his Face.Dipper has a better understanding of what Pacifica is going through.

And Pacifica is able to stand up to her parent's rules and have fun,she saves the twins.And the three of them are able to become friends.Mabel asks Dipper to braid her hair, he braid terribly they have a good laugh about it.pIn the afternoon Stanley and StanFord go to the DMV to get their names and financials under the right names. After dinner the twins take their showers the Pines and Soos,Wendy gets a big couch and they have pizza and movie night they fall asleep together.

August/29 Soos finds the journals and Dipper got to write in it one last time. They ask Ford what they should do with them Ford wrote in it too. But it was Mabel who suggested throwing them in the bottomless pit. So they can be enjoyed by other people. Grunkle Stan Dipper go to the grocery store. Dipper sees some cookies and he begs Stan to get them both cookies.Stan has a double chocolate cookie and Dipper has chocolate chip cookie. They got home and sit on the porch. Well they eat their Stan talk about his childhood and they laugh. Dipper Dipper wrote in a notebook it a story he’s been writing. He tells Stan about it and how he trying to end it he sees interested and they think of things to add and they draw some pictures and have fun together.Stan takes the twins fishing in the river,one last time.

Mabel plays some music in the living room. She is wearing her new troll doll sweater it is blue,purple,green and pink. Grunkle Ford sees her and he picks out one of his old records, the song my girl plays. And she dances he’s nervous to dance. She holds his hands he starts to move a little bit then he twirls her around.She laughs and they dance together until dinner time. After they eat dinner the kids washed up then they took all of the Bill cipher stuff and put it in the campfire. They all sat by the fire and ate s’mores tell stories,until the sun came up. But the kids don’t make it past midnight, the boys picked up the twins and carried them and tucked them into bed.

August/30 Mabel nits a pink sweater for Stan and she got Dipper his own journal for his birthday a day early. It's blue and has a pine tree on it.Dipper got Mabel lots of stickers and candy a day early.After they go home the kids play on the tire swing.Mabel sat in it and Dipper swung her around, then Dipper sat in it and she swung him around. His hat flies off and ends up on her head. They laugh. Kids and Stan sit on the grass,eat ice cream,After the boys watch tv Stan and Dipper,Ford,Soos where watching some car fighting show.

Mabel meets Wendy on the rooftop and they talk about school,life Wendy talks about her mom passing and Mabel Comfort her they drink soda and watch the sunset.Ford makes amends with Fiddleford Mcgucket then the twins pack up their room.They all eat dinner together after Mabel takes a bubble bath and Dipper takes a shower .Then the boys tucked them in. Stan kiss Mabel on the cheek she falls asleep Ford kiss Dipper head he falls asleep.Stan kiss Dipper cheek and Ford kiss Mabel on the head.The kids sleep knowing that this is the last night they're be 12 years old and tomorrow they leave their childhood behind somewhat.. And they will be turning into teenagers and starting the next chapter of their lives.The boys look at them sleeping soundly knowing they will be able to get through as long as the kids have each other they close the door.

August/31 The next day Dipper and Mabel celebrate their 13th birthday they excitedly run down the stairs and wake up their Grunkles. Drag them out of bed they have pancakes for breakfast and then they open their presents from the boys .Mabel got candy rainbow yarn, a sketchbook and colored pencils and. Dipper got pens, candy and mystery novels and a camera.Then their parents call to wish them a happy birthday and they will see them later.After they get dressed then the townfork through a surprise party for Dipper and Mabel. They ate cake and opened presents, Mabel has a paper for Dipper and she has everyone sign it. The boys packed up their stuff and prepared to be sealed out to sea.And Soos moved in and the kids tried to hug Grunkle Ford goodbye. But he takes his coat and scoops them up in a hug he smiles, the kids laugh. He's going to miss them so much.

2:00 in the afternoon the bus came to take them home. They said goodbye to everyone, Wendy gave Dipper her hat and she has his hat and the kids hug Grunkle Stan for the last time this summer.The mystery twins learn Dipper can't force someone to love him.And he learns to put others needs before him own.Mabel learned to be less obsessed with crushs.Also to be less of an people pleaser.And that they have to grow up and take on new responsibilities,When they get home it   late it's

9:00 pm at night their parents see them asleep on the bus Michael takes Waddles and their stuff he wonders what it will be like to have a pet pig. They stop at a fast food place the kids eat then go back to sleep. And Catherine takes her tired babies and puts them into bed together. She knows that they are 13 now but they always will be her little babies.She takes off Dipper's new hat and shoes she thinks the hat might be pretty special if he doesn't have his old lucky brown hat. And she takes off Mabel's shoes.

She finally got the pet she had been begging for years.She Tugged them in with a blue blanket. She loves that her kids are back home. She knows they would do whatever it took.To keep each other safe and to stay together.The parents can't wait to see what they're kids . Have been doing this for the past 3 months. They got their letters in the mail but for now they let them sleep. Then they talk at breakfast about the fun things they did and the adventures they went on and learning to grow up. Their parents are impressed by how much they are growing up and how much they can handle each other in dangerous situations. Their parents decide to send them to therapy to help with the trauma and to help them sleep better.Mabel tell them about their new great uncle. Their parents will be having a discussion with Grunkle Stan later. Dipper and Mabel open their birthday presents .A couple days later the twins go back to school shopping clothes backpacks and hair cuts.Mabel goes to the orthodontist and she gets her braces taken off after 5 years she supper happy.Michael suggest that they start going to therapy together every Wednesday and it help.The kids also call their Grunkles and talk to them about their sea adventures as a September wind blows by.And summer has come to an end.

[caterpillarinacave]

Got any random Fairchild family headcanons, especially ones pertaining to Matthew and Henry?

Oh, I always have headcanons!

Also, sorry I took so long to answer, I am currently withering away to sawdust. 

Matthew was one of those “nicely disobedient kids”. Someone will be like “okay, keep your shoes on okay? It’s important not to take them off in here alright?” and he's like “yeah yeah yeah! I got it!” then tears his pants and shirt away and takes off running. 

Both Matthew and Charles were those kids who just hung off their parents 24/7. Actually, all the TID gangs kids are like that. Someone is always carrying at least one child. Henry’s lap is prime real estate. So are Will’s shoulders. What are adults if not your personal chauffeur?

Henry and Matthew actually do have very similar hair, although Matthew’s is straighter. Matthew can’t tell because, you know, he styles it, and Henry absolutely does not. 

Matthew’s concern about not looking like his father in GOTSM is distressing because its so unfounded. He looks a lot like both his parents, and frankly he’s the only one who's never noticed.

Christmas is soooo fun there. Mostly because they dont do any of it at their own house, they just go to all the christmas parties they get invited to and watch shit go down. Every shadowhunter party is a madhouse. Matthew and Charles get released into the crowd of children to play, and Henry and Charlotte just kind of sit to the side and watch everything dissolve into chaos. They’ll send Matthew and Charles home with an uncle or aunt, they're staying to watch 24 year old Micheal what's his name from some corner of Britain tries to fight his 64 year old uncle over the rise of livestock taxes in liverpool. Charlotte doesnt feel morally obligated to step until chairs become involved.

Other than the entertianment of christmas chaos, holidays are fun. They come with markets and present shopping. Matthew and Charles get paired off with whatever parent, then their basically free in a christmas market (provided they stay within five feet of said parent.) Matthew goes with Henry and has the time of his life. He comes home with pockets full of peppermint candies choclaty little fingers and a whole lot of happiness. Also, did you know theres fun holiday stuff in the shadowmarket? Whats better than sitting in your dads lap while he chats with a warlock in a demon language like forty people in the world speak, then going back to the cities for a chocolate croissant. Hey, it's safer than you think, Henry's not letting Matthew go anywhere in that market lol.

Of course, there a lots of bedtime stories and songs. Matthew is big on bedtime stories, though he has a few favorites. He's quite keen on Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, and he asks for it at least once a week. That was Henry's favorite as a child, and there are several copies to pick from which may be part of why Matthew likes it so much.

When Matthew gets a little older they move onto more interesting stuff. You know, the normal books for a nine year old; like The Travels of Marco Polo. Matthew is a well educated nine year old.

There's a lot of checkers and chess. Charlotte is decent at chess, and Henry's amazing at it, though Charles Buford and Matthew are more average. Matthew does, however, enjoy the aesthetic, and can play a mean game of checkers.

Tea time is important. World might be burning down but there will be tea on the Fairchild's table.

Matthew and Charles get sent flowers on special occasions. Doesn't really matter if they want flowers, or if they are "far to old for such frivolaty, I have things to do they'll simply die-" (coughcharlesbufordcough), they get them anyway. Henry and Charlotte have had the same ancient florist from Yorkshire doing it for decades, and considering she's been ninety since Henry was about six, and shows no signs of mortality, Charles and Matthew should prepare to have flowers forever.

One good rule for the kids in that house is to a) knock, and b) if that door is locked, do NOT open it. Really a rule all the TID gang kids know. If you decide to open, or try to open, or even hang out near, a locked door (or any thin walls) may the consequences be on your own head. Look, everyone in that group loves their partner very much, 

That’s why Charles Buford is so bitter btw. Didn’t know the rule, scarred for life. Pretty much like that vine. 

[decks-writing-blog]

Here to Stay Drabbles: Actually My Nephew

Summary: Did Gordon tell the team about Joshua? How is his relationship with his parents?

~

“Hey, Mr. Freeman,” Tommy said, cutting into the lull in conversation left by the waiter leaving upon finishing noting down their order. “Didn’t you say once that you have a kid? … Or um, had a kid, I guess. Lot of people died during the incident. So maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up but I saw those kids over there,” he gestured to the family of four, including two children, a seated a few booths down and across from them, “and suddenly remembered that you told us about that. Sorry if I um… messed up bringing it up or whatever.”

Gordon took a breath to assure him it was fine but Bubby, sitting directly across from him, cut in first. “Wait, fuck, I forgot about that. You’ve been grieving a kid all this time? No wonder you’re so fucked up. Now I feel kinda bad for being an ass.”

Dr. Coomer sat next to Bubby, placing him next to Tommy and directly across from Benrey. “Sorry for your loss, Gordon. If you’d like, we could hold a memorial service for your dear son, lost in battle.”

“Nah, guys, I appreciate the thought but it’s fine. I never had a son. I was lying about that.”

Bubby frowned. “I take back what I said then, I don’t feel bad. … Okay, maybe I feel a little bad about the hand thing but we’re over that. Why’d you lie about having a kid? Real weird thing to lie about.”

Benrey, looking up from his Game Boy, answered for him. “He didn’t want us to know he was lonely and had no friends and stuff.”

Gordon sighed. “Yeah, what he said.” There was no use denying it. “But Joshua, the kid I said was my son, is actually my nephew. So it’s not like I found a picture of some random kid and claimed they were mine or whatever. Which means it’s not nearly as weird as it could’ve been. It is kinda weird though because I never met or talked to him in anyway but I put a picture of him in my locker anyway and then claimed he was my son. But because I’m never going to meet him or talk to my sister again, it’s fine. And that picture was from like five years ago so he doesn’t even really look like that anymore. And also, more importantly, I’m not doing that lie anymore. It was pathetic and weird or whatever but it’s done now. So could we all pretend it never happened and move on?”

Of course, things were never so easy with the Science Team. Asking them to drop something was like asking a cat to do the same; sometimes they did and sometimes they didn’t give a damn. It was Tommy who got is two cents in first.

“But Mr. Freeman, how come you’ve never seen your nephew? I guess maybe they live far away but what about on holidays? I mean we get a whole three weeks off work for Christmas and New Year’s. Even if you don’t celebrate, why wouldn’t you go visit? I know if I had a nephew, I’d go visit him on holidays.”

Another thing Gordon didn’t want to talk about in a place they might be overheard. They’d purposefully chosen a time that it would be the less busy, meaning the chances of someone accidentally hearing something were higher since there was less noise to drown out individual voices. But these guys knew some of it already anyway. “Look, my family doesn’t approve of me, if you know what I mean. My sister isn’t as mad about it as our parents are but she thinks it’s just a phase that I’ll eventually get bored of. Meeting my nephew isn’t worth the hassle of dealing with all that.”

“Why don’t they approve of you?” Benrey asked, apparently interested enough in the conversation now to lower the Game Boy entirely. “Do they not like scientists?”

“That’s basically the only thing about me they do like.”

“It’s ‘cause he’s gay,” Bubby said. “Some idiots like to be weird about that kind of stuff.”

“First off, not gay, I’m bi. Second, that’s part of it but mostly it’s the whole being a guy thing they don’t like.”

“They uh… don’t approve of you being a guy?” In hindsight it made sense that Benrey didn’t get it. Gordon shouldn’t be surprised even if they have been living together for several months now. He wasn’t human thus the topic of gender probably wasn’t personally relevant to him to begin with. And after going through his files it was clear he didn’t have education on such matters and probably hadn’t been exposed to them much either.

Gordon would explain when they got home. Before he could say so though, Tommy chimed in instead. “Wait, that’s how you’re coming out to us? I mean… I guess it’s fine. You tell us you’re trans however is most comfortable for you, Mr. Freeman. It’s just kinda a weird way to do it. But I guess we did kinda coax out of you by asking about your family and stuff. Sorry.”

“Wait, I thought you guys knew that about me?” If Gordon had known they didn’t, he’d have indeed told them in a different way, namely not having his estranged family be an important part of the discussion. Not that they even really needed to know but they were his friends and Benrey was his partner so he wanted them to and had assumed they did.

“No, Gordon, we had no idea,” Dr. Coomer replied. “Congratulations on your transition.”

“Thanks but… we had a whole open and blatant conversation about my packer partially falling out of my pants. How did you guys not pick up on that?” Gordon had just been assuming everyone was cool with it. Which they seemed to be so that was nice but they hadn’t picked up on what seemed obvious to him. In hindsight, it wasn’t quite as obvious as it could’ve been, but still, the thought should’ve at least occurred to them, right?

“None of us were paying that much attention to anything Benrey said at that point,” Bubby said as he adjusted his glasses. “Because let’s be honest, he was kinda just saying stuff. Also, he called it your dick so I assumed, if it did happen at all, it probably was your dick. Which would mean that you had one and most people who have dicks are born with them.”

“Damn, all right, sure, I guess that makes sense. But well, I guess now you guys know. I’m a trans man and that’s why my parents hate me, why I don’t talk to my sister anymore and thus why I don’t know my nephew, Joshua even though I used to lie about him being my son.” Not stuff he wanted to be super public about but whatever, who cared? No one came to the Cheesecake Factory as soon as they opened because they were normal people anyway. Heck, this was Tuefort, the town known for having a lead poisoning problem until barely more than ten years ago, so no one who lived here was normal in general.

“I still don’t get it,” Benrey said, proving for a fact that he didn’t know. Not his fault. What education he’d had had all been focused on figuring out how smart he was, not teaching him anything useful about navigating the world or about the people within it.

“Basically when I was born, the doctors and nurses decided I was a girl so that’s what they told my parents and so that’s what my family believes. But I’m not a girl, I’m a guy. My family is mad that they’re wrong and refuse to accept the truth.”

“But why would they decide you’re a girl if you’re a guy?”

“It’s sorta complicated, especially since I don’t know how much you know about human anatomy and stuff. So how ‘bout we return to this conversation more when we get home and have a computer in front of us?”

“That’s lame.”

“Yeah but I don’t really wanna go through the whole conversation right now.” He’d much rather do some informed googling and filter the results before letting Benrey do some silent reading.

“Fine, whatever.”

“Thanks.”

“Does this mean we can’t call you a bitch anymore?” Bubby asked.

“Uh… I guess if you really want to, you can. Just don’t be weird about it, obviously.” Especially since they’d been calling him that while believing him to be a cis man.

Dr. Coomer gave him a thumbs up. “You got it, my good bitch.”

[gauntsgirl]

𝟎𝟒 | 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭

Most children are 11 when they receive the great news that they had been accepted into Hogwarts to start their first year.

You were 15.

Circumstances, situations, whatever you wanted to call it, those were the facts.

You were very tired the first week; all you could remember was being sorted into your house and many friendly faces. With the whole troll thing in the coming week, you had made quite a name for yourself already. Natty and Poppy were your closest friends here. You were also kind of close with Sebastian, but you had no idea where you two stood as you never saw him around campus. Rumour was it that he had his mind focused on some idea and it wasn't the safe kind.

It was a mundane moment when you first saw him, just during the small section of wandering time you had before getting to class. You had potions next. That was when you properly met.

"Hey l/n! Where are you off to?" called a voice, you recognised your name and turned before you could piece together who was calling it.

A brown tuft of hair and valley of freckles set into your line of vision. "Oh, hey Sallow, just off to potions, how about you?"

"Sweet, I have a free period next. My friend Ominis has potions next too, I believe. Do you know him?" he asks, falling into step with you.

You were confused at the sudden banter, but you eased into it, "Uhm, that blonde Slytherin boy? Yeah I've seen him, never spoken to him though," you remarked, almost dropping that you thought he was cute but you wouldn't even utter that to Poppy so there was no reason for you to tell Sallow all of a sudden.

"Yup, that blonde Slytherin boy alright, you will keep him company, won't you? Between the two of us I'm starting to worry he won't make many other close friends."

You were baffled at the sudden request. Where was all of this coming from?

"Uh, what do you mean? And why me?"

"Well he obviously has his friends he talks to, but I worry he's too...reliant on me. You seem fine enough so I'm hoping you would do this for me? I'll owe you one and that means quite a bit. It's for the best for him anyway," Sebastian relays.

"I think I'll decide what's the best for me," says a voice from behind you two.

Sebastian bristles and jumps around, you turn, still confused at the developing events. You were faced with a boy whose looks could possibly kill.

Ominis Gaunt, 5th year Slytherin and the cutest boy in the grade was positively seething and turning his head glancing towards the two of you.

"Ominis? Oh boy," Sebastian sighs in defeat.

"I don't need you making pity friends for me. I can do as I want or not do anything at all." He says as he shoots you a disgusted look.

What did I do? You think to yourself.

"Now now Ominis, it's not what you think it is," Sebastian says.

"I'm blind Sebastian, not deaf. I can clearly hear and comprehend. And you," he faces directly toards you, "I don't need any help 'making friends' or anything of the sort. I suggest you stay away and mind your business."

What did I even do??? You think to yourself more incredulously, but not riled up enough to get involved.

The bell rings and loitering 3rd years hurry to their class.

"Now if you'd excuse me, I have to get to class," Ominis trudges past you two.

"I-I'm very sorry y/n, I'll talk to you later and clear everything up. He's just...in a mood right now. I promise he's a better person than that," Sebastian says and you nod and give him a reassuring smile, too unbothered to deal with this.

What is this school? You think. It was quite refreshing, you admit, being in this school tired and worn out by smiling faces all week to just be ambushed by...whatever that was.

You walk into your potions class, just a couple minutes late.

"Ah, so nice of you to finally join us l/n! So glad you could make it. Please take a seat and aim to be on time next lesson," says the teacher as they wave you in; you apologise and take the closest seat to you. It wasn't until you hear a sassy sigh next to you that you realise who you had sat next to.

He'd 'glance' towards you a couple of times, with a not very inviting look on his face, somewhere between a snarl and a thin-lipped, straight-line face.

In between the still moment when the professor went out to grab a missing ingredient and chatter filled the room, Ominis turned his head slightly towards you again, still wearing that unsettling mask.

"Can you stop looking at me like that? It's making me feel weird," you say as you shuffle your books further away from him.

"Might I remind you that I am blind?" he retorts, enunciating the last word.

"Yeah, but you still have a face and it still makes me feel weird. Why are you so mad at me? I didn't even do anything."

"Again. I told you, you didn't have to sit with me just because Sebastian told you to. I have friends and I have no trouble making them, I know he just wants to get rid of me so he can do his own... activities."

"Okay, I have no clue what drama you guys have going on but I just sat in the first seat closest to me. I didn't even know you were there. I never said anything to Sebastian and why can't I be friends with you just because? If you're still upset I can just move but you needn't be so rude to me," you say with a finality, making him know you're serious.

A silence drawls between you.

"I...I'm sorry," he eventually says and that surprises you. You don't know why you expected him just to blow you off from the very little you knew of him, but you did, "It's just. Sebastian's been getting into some trouble lately and I am just sick of his antics. I took it out on you and...I was kind of embarrassed of what he said to you. I might have let it slip how I admired you for what you did earlier this term, even though I thought it was a bit much, and he caught on and tried to distract me with you. So, I apologise for that." He shuffles in his seat a little, clearly a bit more on guard than he was before.

"You're forgiven," you smiled, happy to meet at an armistice, "Shall we start over?"

He smiles, genuinely happy you have seem to have come to a truce, "We shall. I'm Ominis Gaunt, it's nice to meet you."

"I'm y/n, l/n, pleasure to make your acquaintance as well!" you smile back.

You fill the silence with friendly questions until the potions master walks back in with the missing monkshood.

"Alright class, please turn to page 394 and we shall begin."

You and Ominis worked as partners to make the potion. Ominis was more on the theory aspect whilst you were learning and mixing it with the practical aspect. The professor was quite impressed when he came around to the end of the lesson to see your progress.

"A very promising potion. Excellent work Gaunt and l/n."

You'd given each other a very wonky high five.

By the end of that lesson, you had learnt Ominis was a dry, sarcastic, but very fun person to hang out with. You guys walk out of the lesson together, engaged in whatever conversation you'd conjured.

"It was really great meeting you y/n, I'll see you in Herbology?" Ominis said as he turned to go left.

"Yup! See you then," you waved back. Not like he could see it, but surely his wand would be able to pick it up? You were right as he waved back and walked on.

Sebastian was certainly kerfuffled hours later when you and Ominis exchanged pleasantries during Herbology.

"Now what have I missed?" He asks Ominis.

"The touch of a woman."

"Ominis no-"

And then you'd be ranting to Poppy and Natty about what had happened.

"No, you don't get it. He's so tall and handsome as hell. He's so bad...but... he does it so well??? No, I don't like him but even I can admit something as obvious as that!"

They just gave each other that knowing side-eye. "Yup, somethings definitely blooming there."

You hear a blast reverberating from the other side of the greenhouse. A bright pink flower has found itself a new home, nestled in Ominis's hair.

Sebastian's voice follows, "Do you feel Bonita?"

"I FEEL VIOLATED-"

"Well too bad because you look Bonita!" you call out, Sebastian flashes you a smile while Ominis tries to locate where you're coming from to shoot you a glare and Professor Garlick rushes over, telling him Sebastian off as the class erupts into giggles.

"That's your mans over there y/n," Natty laughs.

"I support," Poppy smiles as she pats you on the back.

And whilst the flower exponentially grew and bloomed on top of Ominis,

 something else was blooming between you two.

A/N: The amount of references I made in this 😭

 Also! I think I've got a better understanding of the characters now! 🥳

🌙 thank you for reading!

and follow for more 💞 (everything is cross-posted on my wattpad first, check my bio to find it!)

By the way! If anyone wants to request, please feel free to send me a message or put it in the asks box

[i-fondued]

Please ignore my whining I need to organize my thoughts and this is a place without irl people 🙃

So good-ish news? I got the second job I was going for. But like...I already work like 45 hours a week at my current job and I'm always exhausted as it is. But like we desperately need more income coming in till my husband graduates in late January/early February. It's also retail pharmacy which I swore I wouldn't go back to especially after covid but like I asked for 25 an hour and they didn't even bat an eyelash. Meanwhile I'm making 23 an hour with 4x the responsibilities currently at my full time job.

Which is also miserable honestly, like I LOVE my job so much but management is just fucking awful and they care about the money and couldn't care less about patient care. I even told my husband I was tempted to see if the retail pharmacy would give me full time hours and I'd just go back to retail but like physically I don't think I could go back to patient facing anymore ahaha.

I'm just restless and apathetic; my therapist said it sounds like I'm having a midlife crisis which is hilarious cause I'm not even 30 yet. Like it's the episode of SpongeBob where squidward slowly gets depressed living in his little perfect community. That's me, I'm just slowly melting. Like I'm making 4x what my mom made when she was my age and I'm struggling even more than she was. It's not fair.

Then my mom and my aunt have the audacity to be like oh well Laurel is sick and you wouldn't send her to a normal daycare if she was sick. Like...yes I would??? She doesn't have a temp, she's just got a drippy nose and a gross cough? We can't give her anything for any of it, we just have to wait it out. My fucking mother was like "I NEVER would have sent you out when you were this sick". Um. Yeah because when I was 2 and a 1/2 YOU DIDNT WORK. YOU STAYED HOME WITH ME TILL I STARTED SCHOOL AND WE WERE A ONE INCOME HOUSEHOLD AND SO INCREDIBLY POOR. Like if my mom didn't have her siblings idk where we would have ended up.

I'm sorry I have to go to work?? To provide for my children?? TO BE ABLE TO PAY MY AUNT TO WATCH THE CHILDREN YOU ARE BOTH COMPLAINING ABOUT HAVING WHILE THEY ARE SICK??? Like if I don't go to work just one day, I miss out on an entire bill and we fall behind and we are one bad week away from falling too far behind and loosing everything. I'm so frustrated about the whole situation I was so angry I almost started crying in anger when I was trying to keep calm when my aunt was making comments.

Not to mention, I almost started crying at work over all the stress of having 2 people out, the phone nonstop ringing, and just useless coworkers. I'm stretched thin, and the only thing bringing me joy is writing. I wish I could be good enough to publish, to make my stories get out there and make the work I've put into then bring me money back. Something that brings me joy instead of stress.

My friend suggested I start a patreon and start posting chapters a day early for people who pledge a dollar or more; or have exclusive stories posted on there for people to get early access to but like...idk. it feels kinda weird to do for fanfiction, and like it's not really about money for me. I just want to be able to share these things with people who enjoy them with me? But like if I had an extra 50 or even 100 a month from it, that covers a single bill which makes a difference for our little family.

Idk I'm just rambling now, I'm just in a weird mental state I think. I have my period which I'm sure is making me more emotional too. I just want to be able to be rewarded for how hard I work and how much I care about these patients and I feel like my boss is actually punishing me instead. Healthcare can be so rewarding for someone like me but it can also be a hellscape because the US doesn't have universal healthcare.

Anyways I'm fine 🙂

[variouscolors]

[AU info] √02 Interquel AU (Root 02)

This is my current favorite AU, and I'm so sorry in advance for the upcoming posts and art related to it. Anyway, this AU is based on a friend's AU for the Tangled movie & TV series, in which friend tried to insert Cassandra into the movie events. But in my case, I had some ideas going towards the Lion King 1½ (Or Lion King 3: Hakuna Matata) movie and the Cyber Sleuth interquel game, Hacker's Memory.

That is, Rui and Ukkomon are indirectly involved in the events of the 02 TV series. This all started with a silly "what if" fanart I had been doing since January, using a beta design for Rui as an outfit for an official in-movie 11-year-old Rui design. My original idea was just to have Rui and Ukkomon be around from day one, but as I was developing it, I got the idea of "maybe they could still be around, but not involved in the events of the main series?" which is, yeah, basically what Hacker's Memory is about -- a story that focuses on a group of "side characters" instead.

For more details, see this post on my Rui-Ukko blog. The rest of this post is specific to this blog only.

Tag: advverse • root 02 au

[CW: murder, self-harm, body horror] Also, it contains 02TB (the new movie) spoilers.

Since Rui has basically been doing his own thing and hasn't had any contact with other human children with a digimon, he's pretty clueless about digimon care and other things. All he knows is what Ukkomon told him before: That more kids like him are appearing, and that Ukkomon will make them be his friends. So Rui has a very wrong view of the digimon as "wish-granting servants", and he doesn't like it either.

Rui thinks that partnerships are bad because the digimon are forced to obey their human partners and lose their own freedom. This makes him even more upset by the actions of the digimon Kaiser, and he wants to stop all fights and free the digimon. But he also hates fighting, and he sucks at talking to people, so there's not much he can do here.

Although he tries to act tough, he is non-confrontational and will do his best to run away from trouble. He will also want people to stay out of his business. Because he lacks communication skills, he tends to inadvertently hurt people's feelings or to mess up his own arguments, even contradicting his own words.

The way Rui gets the Digi-eye is a little different from the movie -- he gets injured in a digimon attack, Ukkomon gets desperate and decides to give Rui his eye, which makes Rui snap because he didn't want it to happen and didn't ask for it. Deep down, Rui was also angry because Ukkomon was at the point of destroying himself in order to help the boy.

Ukkomon's side of the story is that he's also tired of Rui not understanding his feelings, and he thinks the whole terrible fight they had just proved that Rui is ungrateful. But he can't leave Rui alone, so he continues to protect the boy in the shadows… By using his own eye on Rui's face to warn him when things are going badly for his partner. He also has the same problems as Rui: running away from problems and being really bad at talking.

Don't take anything Rui/Ukkomon say for granted. Their own experiences and knowledge contradict what the rest of the characters (canon at least) know. And this is ok, this is what the movie wanted, that you question it and investigate the veracity of these statements. So it is here too, you just have to doubt their own words and look for the truth.

Yes, Ukkomon does the murder thing in this AU too, but Rui is not aware of it. Also, and as I suspect, Ukkomon didn't intend to kill Rui's parents, and he's still upset and regretful about it. Ukkomon has no idea that his mind control ability would have that effect.

As for him being Ken's prisoner and being "hunted" -- that's the original idea, and the latter can be read as Rui's social anxiety just driving him crazy enough to think he's being hunted. Also, the Ken Kaiser in question is my muse. I wouldn't mind if your Kaiser muse suddenly decided to chase him to study the digi-eye, but please let me know.

※ Variations on this whole verse can and will be made to accommodate RP partners, so if there is something that bothers you, just tell me as soon as possible and politely (I don't like passive-aggressiveness, I've had bad experiences with it in the past) so we can make the necessary changes to make it work for you.

[psychelis-new]

Hey Lys

Sorry that it took me a long time to reply... I hope you're in good health.

I am also born on waning gibbous phase..almost become a full moon child if I was born hours later...

Oh no. I was just recalling my visit to one of my state's tourist attraction. I'm not living near mountain but rather on inland. My state (the state in my country) has a mountain. Me, from inland going to the mountain will take 6 hour-ride. I never hike on a mountain let alone a small hill because of health problems. So I never knew how's the sun looking from up there. But my friend had gone to climb mountain and said it was freezing cold but the view was worth it.

By being at the Equator we don't experience long day short night or vice versa. We got the same length for daytime and nightime throughout the year. Maybe for some it's pretty boring but consistency or familiarity feels like comfort to me.

We also have lizards here, the brown one and of course can't forget house lizard 😝

The green one only shows up in the forest. I can almost picture a children's book about Lys saving the lizards family. With pictures looking like being colour with crayon.

Back to weather, it doesn't snow in my place but on rare occasion we could have what look like the beginning of winter where small droplets of shower turn into small flake of snow. But it wasn't obvious. Sometimes we could have stone rain (?) Where the rain have bigger droplets that when it hits you it hurts.

Personally I don't really like storm especially the way they sounded. The past week we just had a regular rain. I don't usually get sick easily. But I do get sick if the weather gone from cold to warm or vice versa in limited time. Just like right now a lot of people in my surroundings cough here and there. So I bet this is the "Autumn" in my country? We do have moonsoons. As i live inland, it mostly feels hot on dry season. But near the mountain the air is cold or maybe the fog covering the sun so theres only so much light sipping in?

No. I don't bake but my sister and mom do occasionally. I can't find the time to do it. If my mom do bake it usually ripen banana cake. Maybe if 1 day I have my own house I might bake?

Hi Nari, I'm kinda okay thank you, hope you're doing good well. Don't worry, life and others things sometimes get in between and need much more attention: a reply can wait. :) Thank you for sending it, by the way! I hope you're taking care of you.

Very cool! Not sure about me but I think it I was pretty far away from new moon or full moon anyway.

Oh okay, sorry I misinterpreted your words. I am sorry about your health problems but I understand why it's better for you to not go hiking, not to mention how far you live from mountains. I live pretty close to mountains tbh, not even 1 hour away. But I think they're not as tall as over there. Still the view is pretty good as well.. maybe this type of mountains would be more affordable for you.

Ofc it depends from one person to another and also what they're dealing with (at times at least). The comfort we get from familiarity and easy situation, especially in certain moments of our life and in specific situation, can really be healing too.

Haha that's a very nice vision! I guess I should write such a book one day :)

Don't you have hailstorms? Like when ice falls instead of rain? We do have a mix of rain and snow as well, it's when it doesn't last and melt salmost immediately... the temperature is generally too high (over 1-2°C here) for snow to form and stay also near the ground level so it melts halfway while falling down.

I used to be scared of thunders, and at times they still make me uncomfortable tbh, but I kinda also like them? Yeah, that's weird. I bet that yea, you can consider this time your Autumn: here too people start to sneeze and cough. Oh that's beautiful, about the fog covering the sun. Here in late Autumn or in whole Winter, fog totally covers the sun and you cannot see anything anymore. People may even get lost if they go out of town in particular as countries and roads are just lost inside this thick grey cover. Those who don't live here or aren't used to fog do get very scared.

Why not, maybe one day you'll have time to bake something too :)

[lyxthen]

So I kinda was struck by inspiration thanks to this post and I ended up writing it in like, an hour? It's not revised or anything so be ready for awful grammar and typos etc etc but I could not stop myself.

Have fun with this short fic (?)

The first time it happened it was a joke. 

He was chiding Maya from stealing a candy bar from the convenience store as they walked back to their shared apartment. She was not listening, of course, too busy chewing on her sweet loot to mind his words. 

“There's no fixing you, is there?”

“Nope,” she said, crumpling the wrapper in her fist and putting it in her pocket. At least she had the decency not to litter. “What are you gonna do about it? Ground me?”

“You know, I might as well. I'm taking away your ramen privileges.”

Maya snorted. 

“Yeah, okay dad.”

“So you're admitting I have authority over you?”

“Hey man, don't let it get to your head. You don't have the heart to deny me anything, anyway.”

She was right, of course, but he wasn't going to be the one to tell her that. 

-.-.-.-.-

The second time it happened it was an accident, but it wasn't too surprising. After all, he could vividly remember that one time he had accidentally called his grade school teacher ‘mom’ in front of the whole class. Everyone made fun of him for that the week that followed, and only Miles had the decency to stop himself from chuckling every time it came up.

Children slipped up like that sometimes. It was normal.

“Dad!”

Maya and Pearls had just gotten back from spending their weekend in Kurain, as they often did. The little girl threw herself into her arms while her cousin cackled. “You did not just call Nick dad.”

Pearls turned around, blushing. “Sorry! I'm sorry, Mr. Nick.” 

He patted her back sympathetically.

“It's fine, Pearls. Happens to the best of us.”

It did not slip past him that Pearl did not have a father, and if she had decided, however subconsciously, that he would be the one to fill that role, who was Phoenix to contradict her? 

-.-.-.-.-

The third time it made him cry. 

To be fair, he was already crying before it happened. The last few weeks had been a lot to deal with. Not only had he lost his job, the thing he had dedicated his life to doing, he had also become the adoptive father of a very traumatized eight year old child. She was still getting used to this new state of affairs, acting shy around him, even though she was clearly happy to be a part of his small family now. 

They had finished with dinner, and Phoenix had gone to his room to sleep after putting Trucy to bed. Despite his best efforts, however, his mind was set on keeping him awake and miserable. 

That's when he heard the door opening. 

“Are you alright?” the girl asked shyly and worriedly, crawling into his bed as he sobbed. “I heard you…”

“I'm sorry,” he whispered back, feeling ashamed of himself for waking her up. He had to be strong for her, not the other way around.

“It's alright, daddy. I was having a nightmare. Can I stay with you tonight?”

Daddy. He smiled, just faintly.

“Of course you can, Truce. Come ‘ere.”

They passed the night together, curled up against each other like kittens. He wrapped his arms around her, as though that alone could keep her safe from nightmares and all the other evils of the world. 

Maybe his old purpose in life had been shattered, but right then he knew that he would dedicate his heart to her, as long as they lived.

-.-.-.-.-

“Son, I know you love to work, and I am more than happy to pay you overtime, but you need to take a break.”

Apollo looked up from the computer screen with deep bags under his eyes and a confused expression. “I'm not working.”

“Yes you are. Who on earth would willingly spend their time consulting books on…” he squinted a bit, trying to make out the words on the screen. “Right of succession? Are you serious?”

“You never know when it can come in handy. It's fun, I mean, will partition often make a good motive for murder.”

“Apollo. You need to go to sleep.”

“Fine, whatever you say, dad.”

He closed the window on the computer as though he didn't just refer to his boss as his father. Phoenix grinned, unable to hide his amusement. 

“Say that again.”

It took Apollo a few moments to figure it out. He was really tired. When he finally did, he covered his face in embarrassment, groaning. “I will not.”

“Yes you will. I just won myself twenty bucks.”

“You had a bet going on?”

“Yeah, with Edgeworth. He owes me twenty dollars now."

“You had a bet with prosecutor Miles Edgeworth over me calling you dad?”

Apollo looked like he wanted to dig a hole in the ground and lay down to take a very long nap there. Adorable little man. He ruffled his hair, to the boy’s immense annoyance. He would normally have gone on a rant about professionalism in the workplace, but right now his brain was too drowsy to argue against it. 

“Yes we did and I just won.”

“Whatever. I'm going home.”

When Apollo left the office, the first thing he did was to text Trucy. It was pretty late, but she was a whole teenager now, and bedtime had gone from an obligation to a suggestion, at least on the weekends. “You will not believe what just happened.”

-.-.-.-.-

The fifth time, ironically enough, it was not Phoenix the one being called dad. 

“I know that bluffing your way through things is your calling card… But your credibility just called and told me to tell you to ‘put a sock in it.’”

“Yes, daddy…”

Shit. His subordinates would never let him live this one down, would they? Trucy looked at him with a sinister glint in her eyes from the audience. 

Oh yeah. It was all over for him. 

Finally, a fic idea that comes to me that isn’t at least a little fucking sad. Anyway 6 or 7+1 formatted fic of practically every character younger than Phoenix accidentally calling him dad and him very quickly getting used to it.

By the time Apollo and Athena come along, he’s not even phased by it, he was counting down the days until it happened, he had a bet with Trucy and Edgeworth over when it would happen.

[fakecrfan]

Hi just want to say your story about the superhero was incredible. It broke my heart and I loved it

AN ASK ABOUT AN ORIGINAL THING I WROTE? 🥺

I wrote two superhero stories but only one has been getting likes in my activity feed recently so I think you mean my construction superhero short story. (checks the post) oh uh wow that’s getting more traction than I realized. Shit. So that’s why a bunch of people followed me recently.

Anyway, I don’t know if you are still watching my blog anon but since you liked my story have another snippet I whipped up just for you.

--

Excerpt from an interview with prisoner #4598, also known by the code names “Constructor,” “Destructor,” and “the Architect.” Transcript incomplete due to being salvaged after the attack on the prison records. Interview conducted by Mitchell Newman.

---

MN: Okay, well, since our memory experts can’t see anything in your head but muck and have established we’re not going to get any information out of you, anyway…

4598: Lethe is very good at memory stuff.

MN: Right, yes, of course she is. So since you’ve forgotten all useful information and I have to visit you at least for two hours a week just so this doesn’t count as solitary confinement--

4598: Could I talk to Sandy?

MN: Ms. White hasn’t asked to speak to you.

4598: Right.

MN: Anyway as I was saying, since I have to be here anyway why don’t you just tell me about yourself? Give me the whole manifesto.

4598: (no answer).

MN: Right. Well. Let me just continue then and you can answer if you feel like it. Sound good? Good. So, here is my question. What do you think about what people call you now? The first time you got arrested, you didn’t escape for months. Why?

4598: (no answer)

MN: Everyone thought it was because you needed to know the makeup of the material in order to shape it. When you stayed put they thought they’d gotten you with their Akonite walls. But it turns out you never needed to know that and you were just… sitting in there anyway.

4598: Right.

MN: What stopped you from escaping?

4598: (no answer)

MN: Did you think that you’d be let out if you played along, since you had good PR then?

4598: No.

MN: Okay. Was it that you still believed in the justice of the system?

4598: No.

MN: Second thoughts about trying to stop the construction of that stadium?

4598: Uh, no.

MN: Alright then. Why?

4598: (no answer)

MN: Is it related to your apparently still-developing powerset? Are you hiding some ability or--

4598: Depression.

MN: What?

4598: I was depressed.

MN: Ah.

4598: Everyone I had looked up to wanted me in jail. I thought no one would agree with me, so there was no point.

MN: Right.

4598: Uh, that’s something Sandy taught me. It doesn’t really matter what powers you have. If you want to get things done--big things, like building cities--you need lots of people. The things I’ve done, rebuilding… It's always because people have helped me. Cleared away poisons so I could go in the area. Gave me materials. Helped me learn.

MN: And without those people, you decided you couldn’t do anything?

4598: Yeah.

MN: So what changed your mind and made you decide to enact the largest villain breakout in history?

4598: It…

MN: What’s that?

4598: I had to try. It wouldn’t be right to just give up immediately. I couldn’t do it alone so I decided to find people who could help.

MN: And those villains--many of them serial killers and terrorists--these people shared your altruistic goals?

4598: (no answer).

MN: Right, sorry. That was a bit blunt on my part. I just mean it must have been a difficult group to work with.

4598: Hm.

MN: You’re pretty famous for not killing anyone yourself, even now. I really believe you don’t want people to die if they don’t have to. How do you reconcile that with working with, oh, Inferno. You know, the one that burnt innocent congressmen alive?

4598: (no answer).

MN: Some of the villains who escaped that day went on to kill innocent people, even if the ones you became friends with didn’t. Do you have any regrets?

4598: ...Skinner killed three children before we caught him. Toxica got… one, but made 48 people very sick for a while. Um, the others--I counted it all up. The amount of people who died due to the actions of villains that escaped because of me was 28.

MN: So you--

4598: The attacks your heroes do on other countries have casualties that number in the hundreds. Thousands sometimes.

MN: We were tracking down a highly dangerous villain with a power that could--

4598: That could not do half of that damage. They never can. The serial killers and terrorists--they’re hideous people. But there has never been one with the power to do what American “heroes” do every year.

MN: That’s because we kill them first.

4598: And then there is the damage afterwards. The sickness. People who die in the rubble. People who have their entire homes destroyed only to be turned away as undesirables when they try to find a home somewhere else.

MN: That’s not equi--

4598: You asked me if I have regrets. Yeah, I do.

4598: I regret every single fucking base I built for all of you.

---

The rest of the transcript is unsalvageable. Prisoner #4598 escaped shortly after, as containment measures on the subject once again failed. Future heroes are advised to use lethal force on sight, as containment has proven impossible and these transcripts indicate de-radicalization is unlikely.

[abugwritesstuff]

Prince and Consort Dad/Family Headcanons Pt 3

here it is: the valets version of this post! i've got jasper (bleh), knight, tino, grayson, and thoma! thoma doesn't have a route atm but fingers crossed for someday 🤞🏻 anyways, please enjoy this final installment lol

jasper 

no

get this man away from children 

maybe he has an illegitimate kid somewhere in the world idk

ugh but anyway-

he might be surprised? but mostly i feel like he’d be somewhat smug about the news that she’s pregnant. 

i feel like he’d almost gloat about it to guy, specifically. like oh she’s yours? yeah i don’t think so lmao 

he’d probably be fairly confident and practical about things. i don’t think he’d  be one to be nervous or freak out really. 

he may have knocked her up on purpose. like, without her being aware. i’m sorry but that just feels like a jasper thing to do, given his whole route being… how it is. 

ugh god

i don’t like himmmmmmm

would he be a good dad? hm

not really

i mean he could be worse i guess 

but i feel like while he’d be incredibly competent at caring for them when he did, he would also be kind of hands off a lot of the time. like. i feel like jasper is sexist and so to him, taking care of children is a job for MC. 

he’d have really high expectations for his kids and would be a bit scary when they failed at things.

idk man 

i don’t like the idea of jasper procreating

one jasper is enough (perhaps too many, even)

starting a get-jasper-a-vasectomy petition rn 

knight 

omg

similar to dia, had no real image of himself doing this and is thus ?????? the entire time 

hears that mc’s pregnant and PANICS 

he doesn’t even remember having a dad, let alone seeing anybody else have a decent dad. the only dad he can think of is king gilbert which uhhhhhhhh. no. 

toa gives him books and tells him to take a class probably 

(toa: you're upset? this seems like a time for homework)

knight is just so high strung the entire time (but he does read the books) 

hovers over mc the entire time, trying to keep her comfortable and fed and rested and whatnot 

faints at the birth but comes to before the kid’s out 

basically holds his kid like she’s made of glass for the first several months and then he starts to kind of get it

from then he’s mr. proud dad, shows off his kid like yeah, look what we did 😎 

i think they’d have like three girls, one single and a set of twins, and a while later, one boy

this puts knight even more out of his element because not only was marriage and fatherhood outside of his expectations but little girls are something he especially has no experience with 

but he’s very good with them

indulges them HEAVILY because this bitch cannot say no to any of these little blue eyed babies 

lots of letting his girls dress him up at tea parties and the like 

coming to work with stray glitter and stickers on his outfits on occasion 

falls asleep with them in their room while tucking them in, mc comes in and he’s sprawled out asleep with the kids laying on him 

their boy is a surprise addition but knight is fucking THRILLED 

the girls have gotten older and independent and he’s fucking pumped to have another little buddy around 

he enjoys being a dad, having a family- he hasn’t always had one so he doesn’t take it for granted and tries to be the kind of parent he’d liked to have had 

i luv him

tino

oh you thought you’d seen tino panic before? no. this bitch goes genuinely out of his mind.

he’s very happy but practically vibrating with anxiety. hardly sleeps after hearing the news, stays up all night trying to plan for the baby like he’s cramming for an exam 

hovers over mc to an unreasonable degree

“b-but what if while you’re in town you get distracted and you trip on a loose cobblestone and you injure yourself and…” 

“tino…. i love you but please.”

takes a bit of persuading before he learns to calm down (kinda)

when the mc goes into labor he somehow manages to rally that anxiety into action and is fairly helpful, though he’s obviously in a puddle of guilt and worry the entire time 

tino cries when all his children are born. cries a lot. thanks mc profusely, apologizes for the pain, etc 

having been mr. mom for lynt helps him with baby and kid stuff obviously 

he’s probably the most actively involved, to such an extent that the mc is like, “damn let me take care of our child too tf 😒”

tino can’t breastfeed (obviously) and he apologizes for this inadequacy because he would help if he could 😩

tino, like dia, runs around with a baby strapped to him pretty often

running around to find young master with a baby in the carrier

i think tino has three sons 

marriage and fatherhood helps tino grow more of a backbone- like he’s been protecting people before but the experience makes him more proactive about things

like given his experiences with daan he’s very careful to ensure that his children know how to treat others and how they should be treated

as for that whole head-valet thing with his family, when tino is in charge the expectations are very different. much less pressure, more emphasis on playing to people’s strengths rather than grooming an heir into the position. he encourages his boys to pursue their passions 

tino as a dad cries at literally all of their major milestones. first steps, first haircut, first day of school, first time riding a bike, etc etc. this embarrasses them a bit but hey. that’s just tino. 

all of tino’s sons somehow end up even taller than him. simply gigantic boys. they make him look short. 

akedians all just have the cutest goddamn families i swear 

AHHHHH

grayson 

okay so similarly to hawke: if the baby’s unplanned and before getting married, he’s proposing immediately

i think he’d be even more upset with himself because like- 

grayson is fairly traditional in my mind. like he’d feel like he committed some kind of grave sin against mc if she’s pregnant before they’re married

i think it’d take some convincing from mc for him to stop beating himself up about it. like no forreal i’m happy grayson pls 🥲

i think they’d have a wedding real fast at that church on the hill, yknow the one 

i remember that grayson lost his dad as a kid and his uncle stepped in until he died (?), so grayson has some idea of what to do- but i think he’d be feeling that lack of role model and would probably, despite his professionalism, be visibly stressed 

i can see roy and sherry organizing to help him, cheer him up, encourage him a little

sherry bakes him some horrifying scones to make him feel better and the gesture works even if the baked goods... don’t 

i can see roy’s dad (forgetting his name lol) giving him some advice about raising kids. very cute 10/10

grayson, like dia, would be very protective and would probably have his hand on the bump as often as possible 

i think as time went on he’d get very emotionally invested, very attached 

trying to talk through her stomach to the baby at night 

cute cute cute 

rubs mc’s back and feet, runs her baths- basically becomes her valet as well 

he’s a good one 

anyways i think it’d be a girl, that first one 

he is absolutely wrapped around her finger forever. he is a giant softie and at time a little bit of a pushover with all his kids tbh 

i can see them maybe having three or four? i think the rest would be boys 

he would be very happy as a dad, i think. i think he’d absolutely love it. he’d adore his family like nothing else

i can see that firstborn of his being tenacious and wild when little, i think he’d earn a couple gray hairs with her 

i don’t have much else to say other than that i think he’s made for this shit, forreal. gold star dad-ing outta this one 

thoma

i wish i knew more about him but alas

i think he’d also be one of the most actively involved of the dads

his and rio’s kids growing up like cousins just running rampant all over the place

i think maybe he’d have two or three kids biologically, but from what i remember he was an orphan so it really wouldn’t shock me if they end up taking in a lot of children from the orphanage

when he hears mc’s pregnant, no matter if they planned it or if it was a surprise, he’d be massively excited and pumped but secretly pretty terrified 

very helpful the whole time and does not let that anxiety show to anyone, except maybe he would confide in teto? i feel like teto would give good advice. my assumption is that the voleri family has just a shit ton of children in it so teto would know about babies and could give well informed reassurances. rio probably couldn’t lol

i feel like he'd be a very encouraging partner and parent. like he'd cheer his kids on so much, just 110% in their corner and wanting them to thrive and succeed no matter what they do

he's a cutie for sure