#And they all have three redeeming traits between them | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

solarwonux · 2 years ago

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Business Proposal || knj (5/?)

pairing: namjoon x f!reader || ex friends to lovers!au friends to lovers!au

Genre: fluff, angst, smut, slow burn, fwb!au, non idol!au, unrequited love

Warnings: slow burn, angst lots and lots and lots and lots of angst. Jealousy.

Rating: mature, 18+

w.c: 8.3 k

Synopsis: Namjoon is living on borrowed time, and it’s time to cash in. His father is months from taking his last breathe and his life long dream is to watch his oldest son say “I do.”

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a/n: I’m sorry I’ve been taking so long to respond to all the lovely messages I’ve gotten on this story. Also I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to upload, but thank you to those who have stuck around. And thank you for for the 3k! It means so much to me!

Anyway I hope you enjoy this part, pls lmk your thoughts I’m late at responding but I read them all no matter what!

Ever since you can remember, Jimin has always been by your side.

He’s a constant. He’s comfortable. He’s the same.

Nothing much has changed about him, other than the obvious. He grew into his features, he’s leaner and muscular. But nothing about him has changed. He’s still the same person you grew up with. He’s passionate, stubborn, and funny in his own way. You suppose he is a bit more outspoken and confrontational–in a good way, but those are add ons to traits that were already there. He marches to the beat of his own drum but never falls out of line.

He’s always been warm, generous, and familiar.

Jimin was the little boy on your first day of school with the sixty-four pack of crayola crayons. He was the little boy who sat in between you and Taehyung and shared said crayons because his parents always taught him the importance of sharing. He was the boy who wanted to make everyone feel included. Who kissed both you and Taehyung at your seventh grade dance to eliminate any humiliation, because that was the year first kisses were the only subject of conversation amongst your peers.

It was the year the words “prude” and “goody two shoes” decorated everybody’s vocabulary.

It was the year the “no kiss list” went around with yours and Taehyung’s name on it. To your surprise Jimin’s name was absent. Which prompted a very confusing and anger inducing conversation between the three of you, because first kisses were monumental. They were a right of passage and how dare he not tell the two of you that he kissed Ariana–the prettiest and most popular girl at school in a kissing booth at the local state fair.

To save face he decided to redeem himself. The rumors that came out afterwards were far worse than the list, but at least the three of you weren’t lip virgins anymore.

Seventh grade was also known as The War of The Hormones year. Somehow everybody was confused, everybody was angsty, everybody was horny. Bodies were changing, feelings were changing, and Jimin realized that maybe he liked you a little more than a friend would like a friend. But like always, Jimin was nice. He knew about your crush on your school's star athlete so he kept his feelings to himself. Until eventually the flame blew out.

At least that’s what he thought. Junior year of college was a confusing time for him. The two of you had your fair share of “relationships” that should be more appropriately categorized as “flings” because they never really went anywhere.

Except for one–your ex–someone he never liked. There was just something he couldn’t really pinpoint, but he was strange. He would tell you he loved you but he never demonstrated it. You always argued that he had his own way of showing you love. It angered Jimin because to him you were the brightest person in the world. You deserved someone who shined just as bright as you. You deserved someone better.

His suspicions were proven right when you called him before your tutoring session with Namjoon crying. That bastard was a good for nothing asshole who knocked everybody down in order to rise to the top.

It seems like you have a type, because he can’t completely understand why after everything that has happened you have decided to marry Namjoon. He can’t completely understand when, where and how it all happened? He just knows that he doesn’t deserve you, hell, Jimin is fully aware that even he doesn’t deserve you.

Still, Jimin knows you. He knows how calculated and meticulous you are. So, there must be a good reason. At least that’s what he was telling himself the entire two weeks he decided to build a bridge between the two of you. He’s turned every possible answer in his head for nights on end, and he always ended up coming up short. He supposes it’s because he can’t–no–he doesn’t want to face the truth.

That you will never choose him.

Yet, in this very moment as he toys with his mint chocolate ice cream–an acquired taste he admits watching as you hum in delight with every spoonful of Twinberry Cheesecake. He can’t help but believe that maybe this time you did choose him.

The prominent question is aching at the tip of his tongue. He wants to ask, but you’re finally back on Earth and not running lost somewhere in your thoughts. Your tears have dried up and although your eyes are still a bit swollen the sparkle has returned to them. He’s afraid that if he asks you’ll return back to your gray cloud.

“I moved in with Namjoon.” You decide for him as the comment sparks his interest. He digs his spoon into the melting ice cream ball and looks up. He’s aware the hurt is evident in his eyes, but he’s run out of tools to mask it.

“So, you’re really marrying him.” The dry chuckle escapes him and he cringes. He didn’t mean to sound so mean, but he’s past the point of carrying.

You shake your head, putting your spoon down. “Not necessarily. It’s a bit more complicated than that.”

Jimin’s patience is wearing thin. Maybe that’s the one thing that has changed about him. Ever since the facebook status notification, he finds his patience regarding you diminish with every passing day. “Then explain it to me because I am not following it.”

You scoff, crossing your arms in front of you. “If you weren’t so pissy the day you came into the flower shop you would know the truth. It was Taehyung’s movie night. I was going to tell the two of you that night but you came in with your accusations and speculations and didn’t let me talk.”

“What was I supposed to do?”

“You could’ve listened to me.” You respond sadly, moving around the last bit of your ice cream in the cardboard cup.

He sighs defeated and leans his body forward. “I am listening now.”

“We are engaged but we aren’t getting married.” You start slowly. Jimin can’t hide his confusion and it almost makes you laugh. It would’ve made you laugh if you weren’t so exhausted over everything that has happened these past weeks. “It’s all for show. His dad is dying and he wants Namjoon to get married before he passes. Otherwise he will write him out of the will, and his job and inheritance is somehow tied to this. Basically if he doesn’t show signs of settling down any time soon he can kiss his livelihood goodbye.” You finish. It’s the best you could do to explain it in easy terms, because if you were being honest there are things you didn’t understand yourself.

Jimin squints, swiping his tongue across his bottom lip. The way he did whenever he was thinking hard on something. “Okay, so, how do you fall into this?”

Quickly, you eat a spoonful of your ice cream. The sugary sweetness does little to hide your nerves. This is the part you didn’t want to explain. Although your decision to accept made sense to you, you’re aware that it won’t be the case for other people. And sometimes Jimin can be unpredictable, but most of all a little bit judgmental.

Behind his calm and warm exterior laid a nasty monster. He had no filter sometimes and he could be a little bit brutal. It’s one of the reasons why you couldn’t see him as more than a friend. You needed a partner who understood you whether right or wrong. Jimin was not that, he’s so ingrained in his thoughts and beliefs that he has a hard time trying to understand anything outside of that.

“I’m a professor at HYBE U.” You whisper, looking down at your now melted ice cream. The cheesecake chunks are just floating around while the twinberry syrup swirls into the milk. It looks like how you feel. Rough.

Jimin’s eyes look like they’re about to fall out of his sockets. He knew you applied for the job a month after spending months perfecting your resume. He feels a sense of pride rise in him but it’s soon replaced with confusion. “Congratulations, but I’m not following what does that have to do with Namjoon?” He tilts his head pushing his own cardboard cup away.

“He’s the one who offered me the job, and the one who is paying for half of my student loans and the one who is giving me a house.”

It’s hard to catch Jimin off guard. He’s always suspecting and waiting for the next person that’s hiding behind the corner. But you’ve always managed to leave him speechless. This time it’s different. He’s not speechless because of his infatuation for you. He’s speechless because this is something he never once expected from you.

“So he’s basically your sugar daddy.” He deadpans, shaking his head in disbelief before crossing his arms in front of him. “I can’t believe you. I commend sex work that’s fine but I never once thought you’d be one.”

You roll your eyes, pushing your cup away and leaning forward. Maybe if you close the gap between the two of you he will understand that not everything a woman did to get ahead in life involved sex. It’s an argument you’ve had with him before.

“I’m not fucking him. I literally just live with him now and act like his fiance in front of people. Otherwise he lives his life and I live my life separately.” You spit out, leaning back into your chair when you’re done.

Jimin sighs running a hand down his face, This conversation was a lot more taxing than he thought it would be. “Got it.” He raises his hands up in surrender. “But that still doesn't explain why you called me in the middle of a panic attack tonight.”

You nod, “He kissed me. We were arguing and he kissed me.” You flat out say. Jimin closes his fist, gripping the fabric of his jeans. He won’t lie, he wants to runway, scream, or punch something. Anything that will help him release the overwhelming stream of emotions that are running through him.

“I’m going to fucking kill him.” He seethes and he’s about to stand up, but you grab his arm and pull him back down. He’s never seen a more serious expression on your face. You look more ready to kill than he did.

“No you’re not. It was a mistake. The two of us just need to cool down and then hopefully we’ll talk about it. I don’t need you to fight my battles for me Jimin.”

“So, you’re just going to go back to living with him?”

“Where else am I going to live Jimin? That’s my home for now.” You exclaim throwing your hands up in his head.

“But he took advantage of you remember the las–”

“I reciprocated.” You interrupt and before he can get anymore of his comments in you continue. “I don’t know how to get you and Jungkook to know that what happened last time won’t happen again.”

He was a fool to believe that you had finally chosen him.

His heart breaks even more than the night at Taehyung’s party when he confessed his feelings to you. It breaks even more than the morning he woke up to the facebook notification. He didn’t know there was anything left to break and yet here it was shattering into millions of little pieces.

For years he’s had you tucked into his wing afraid of seeing you hurt again. For years he’s prided himself in being the only person you let into your bed and touch in a way exclusively reserved for lovers. For years he’s believed that one day you will be his.

He’s been lying to himself for years. As much as you don’t want to admit it. Your heart has always and will always belong to Kim Namjoon. That is something he will just have to live with. If there’s anything he has learned in the past two weeks where he’s distanced himself from you, and in the past thirty minutes that he’s had this conversation with you.

Is that you’re stronger than what everyone believes and that having you as a friend was better than not having you at all.

“Okay.” He acknowledges with a slight nod of his head. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay.” You finally smile up at him and he hates how it makes his stomach do summersaults. “But can I ask you for one more favor?” You pout, batting your eyelashes at him and he laughs.

“Go ahead.”

“Can I sleep over until Monday?.”

“Sure but you’re taking the couch.”

In the end, you ended up sleeping in Jimin’s bed. It was a petty argument that lasted about five minutes. He insisted you take his bed while he took the couch. Which neither of you did because you ended up sleeping together in the same bed. In a very friendly and platonic kind of way. With a pillow in between and different comforters.

It felt a little strange for the two of you to not be locked in each other's arms. But it was a boundary that needed to be implemented. As much as you and Namjoon like to tell yourselves and each other that this was just all for show.

Jimin knows better. He’s witnessed the two of you grow into each other from the sidelines. Your feelings for the other party were there and even if Namjoon liked to believe otherwise. His feelings were there, only hidden deep, deep, deep within him.

It’s the reason why Jimin was so angry with the way he handled your confession. It was unfair to you. You weren’t crazy and you weren’t reading into things. His actions were those of love not of friendship. Maybe this time, he’ll be able to finally admit to himself that you were always the one for him.

At least that’s what he hopes. He can’t promise staying away if he lets you go this time around.

“Do you have everything?” Jimin taps his steering wheel with his thumb. You’re in his passenger shaking from nerves.

It’s now Monday, your first day of school. The dreadful day being one you thought you left in the past when you graduated. Though, this time it’s different. This time you’re an educator. The first day of school butterflies were shaking you to the core.

You smooth down the hem of your checkered wool skirt. Unfortunately you had left a lot of your winter clothes at Jimin’s house. So, a nice wool jacket and skirt duo, with one of Jimin's black satin dress shirts was what you had to work with for your first day of school outfit.

You’re praying you don’t die of heat.

“I think so.” You say checking down your mental checklist. “I’m only missing my laptop but my office has a desktop so I’ll be fine today.” You nod, slightly slapping your thighs to hype yourself up.

You feel bad as you made your best friend wake up early to drive you to work, a full hour before you had to actually clock in. You feel bad that you’ve made him sit in the parking lot, witnessing it fill up with sleepy students arriving for their morning classes.

“Alright, if you need anything I’m a text away. And don’t forget you’re meeting Tae for lunch. He’s going to have your head for not telling him everything sooner.” He chuckles, reaching over and squeezing your shoulder gently in reassurance.

You roll your eyes, playfully shrugging his hand away. “How was I, the two of you are two peas in a pod. If you’re pissed he’s pissed and vice versa.” You grumble, grabbing your coat and bag. You’ve been doing this at least five times.

Jimin has asked you the same question literally five times. A tiny hint that it was time for you to finally leave. Not that he was annoyed with you, he was just worried you’d be late. Jimin might not have attended HYBE U but you and Taehyung did, and he frequently visited the two of you when he could. He knows how big the campus is and he knows that the two of you are on the completely other side of your department.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever I’ll text in an hour to apologize again.”

He receives a pointed glare before you open his car door. He guesses you've finally talked yourself up long enough. Unless, you’re going to close the door again and then that will bring the two of you back to square one.

“I’ll call you if anything.” You say and step out, shrugging on your coat and grabbing your bag.

“Good luck, you’re going to fucking kill it.” He smiles giving you a thumbs up. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks dad.” You joke, rolling your eyes as you close the door. His laughter rings just as loudly as it would have if the car door was open. You look at him one last time, giggling as he sends you numerous finger hearts. That’s all the motivation you need to finally break through the barrier of nerves. You send him a heart back and turn around, adjusting the leather strap of your purse, hardening your features.

The show must go on.

Your office isn’t big, but it isn’t small either. It's the perfect size for you. As an added bonus it overlooks the beautiful view of the student parking lot, and it’s on a different floor than Namjoon’s. Which means it’s perfect because you can prolong seeing your fake fiancé for as much as possible.

At least that’s what you thought.

After your first class of the day, which went amazing. You forgot all about your nerves the second you stepped into the gloomy classroom. You assume you were well received by your students given that they laughed at all of your stupid little jokes, and didn’t hesitate to add into the class discussion, which was more than what you could ask for. On your way back to the office you were still reeling on the high of standing in front of at least twenty rhetoric students.

The minute you entered your office to get ready to make a few tweaks to your lesson plan. The infamous philosophy professor was standing behind your desk, looking out of the window, hands in the pocket of his slacks, while he tapped his foot against the outdated carpet.

When he heard the door close behind you. He turned around a stoic expression on his face. The high you were feeling from earlier, quickly morphed into the little prickles of your nerves, traveling up your arms and spine.

He looked like he was ready to kill.

“You left this at home.” He broke the silence, taking one of his hands out of his pocket, extending it out to you. He unraveled his fist revealing your engagement ring. “Wouldn’t want people to talk when they don’t see you wearing it.” He added, circling around your desk and walking closer. The only thing keeping the two of you apart was his extended hand, a free invitation to do what you wanted at this moment. He was giving you the choice, an out. You weren’t sure if it was good or bad.

You decide quickly and take the ring from him and silently slip it onto your ring finger. “Thanks I–”

“How was your first class?” He cuts you off, taking a few steps back until he is leaning against one of the burgundy lounge chairs in front of your desk. He crosses his arms in front of him and looks away from you, around your empty office. For some reason this action makes you feel a little self conscious. There’s no personality, except for when you’re inside, but it still screams amateur.

You cough to clear your throat, clasping your hands in front of you. “It went well I had a lo–”

“When’s your last class?” He interrupts you again. You have to tighten the grip of your hands to prevent yourself from yelling out at him. Why was he being extra annoying today? And most importantly why was he acting so strange?

Maybe he still hasn’t cooled off from what happened on Saturday night, because there’s no other reason as to why he would be keeping himself occupied with his surroundings rather than focusing his attention on you. As much as you and Namjoon didn’t get along, he never avoided eye contact. He always felt that it was rude to be looking somewhere else when having a conversation with someone. Yet, here he was keeping himself occupied with the one plant Jimin gifted you sitting on your empty bookshelf. His gaze zeroing in on the little handwritten note.

Fighting, Princess. - PJM x

You can almost hear the audible scoff he lets out when he picks it up to read it closer.

“Four,” he looks up, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “My last class is at four.” You clarify and he nods, carelessly throwing the card onto your desk and pushing himself off the chair.

“Mine is at eight. I’ll see you at home.” He clears his throat, and buttons up the suit jacket. Without so much as a glance he exits your office. It’s not until your door is closed when you finally let out the breath you didn’t know you had been holding in the entire time. But you’re confused, it’s like a newly built wall has surrounded him. He’s harder and tougher, there’s nothing on his face that gives off the indication that he’s lightened up since Saturday or that he is still upset.

There’s nothing.

Namjoon lied.

His last class wasn’t at eight. At least not on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesdays, Fridays. His last class on those days was at two. They were his favorite days because he had the freedom to do whatever he wanted after work. The possibilities were endless, and useless because if he wasn’t at work he was at the gym. If he wasn’t at the gym he was locked up in his home office working on his research.

Research that he was behind on because his mind was occupied on other things.

Other people.

You and Jimin.

Ever since you left on Saturday, Namjoon has tried to do what he does best.

Avoid, avoid, avoid. Bury his head in his research until he can no longer take it. Until it suffocates him enough that he has no other choice but to come up for air. Well…at least that’s what he tried to do, but every time he sat in front of his laptop, glasses perched on the tip of his nose, surrounded by books, journals and notes. His thoughts always zeroed in on the exact moment you ran into Jimin’s arms.

That’s when he starts to spiral, and he ends up seeing nothing but red. The anger consumes him until he’s breathless and sweating, his body consumed with exhaustion, on the floor of Jin’s boxing gym.

He supposes he should be thankful that the overzealous trainer didn’t pry him for questions when he showed up at his doorstep both Saturday and Sunday morning and night. Instead, he wordlessly let him in. Led him to the empty ring and helped him take out his frustration. Each punch he landed brought upon a different emotion.

Anger, confusion, and sadness.

Each punch that he received brought out a different core memory he had kept tucked away. His mothers death, Jungkook and his mother suddenly appearing in his life, the pressure he felt to be perfect, his first love, his first heartbreak, you.

He was exhausted from putting up a facade all the time. He can’t remember the last time he let his walls down, so after being practically beaten up by Jin numerous times he decided that enough was enough. That he would at least try. It is why he was waiting in your office. Namjoon is smart enough to know that a clean slate with you would never be possible. There’s too much history between the two of you. Too many words that were said and left unsaid.

He finally came to his senses after Jin scolded him in a headlock and Namjoon decided to offer you an olive branch.

Then he saw the plant, the handwritten message, and the initials. Instantly he was seeing red again. His plan to welcome you into his home—your home—again flew out the window. His plan to cook you the only dish he knew he couldn’t fuck up—spaghetti aglio e olio—lay forgotten in the back of his mind. Along with the jittery trip to the only grocery store by his house that was still open past two in the morning. And the talk he planned to have with you, to lay it all out in the open. But it was all left in the abyss of his mind the minute he locked eyes with the stupid plant.

He couldn’t even explain the proper care routine you would need to adopt to keep it alive because his pride was bigger than his ego. So he came up with an excuse more for himself because he needed to calm himself down before seeing you at home.

Now, it’s close to lunch time, and he’s hiding out in his office trying to grade the student papers he’s put off for the past week. He saw you in the student parking lot while walking back from grabbing his instant coffee packets he had left in his car. You were getting into a forest green Lamborghini.

Taehyung’s car. It only made his anger worse because the one thing Namjoon truly knows about Taehyung without a shred of a doubt is that wherever he goes, Jimin goes. You used to express your annoyance over it back in college because you always felt left out. The bond they had with each other was one you could never understand, and to be fair Namjoon never understood where you were coming from. FOMO wasn’t a thing he ever suffered from because he didn’t allow himself to have a friendship similar to yours with Taehyung and Jimin.

Yet, now he thinks he can begin to understand why you were always in a bad mood when they went on best friend dates without you. He thinks he’s suffering from the same thing because a part of him craves for your attention. He wants you to be laughing at something he says instead of whatever you were laughing about while getting into Taehyung’s car. He’s never seen you laugh that way, so genuine and full of spirit that his stomach begins to twist again when he remembers what he witnessed almost an hour ago. So much so that he’s been reading the same fucking paragraph for thirty minutes.

Namjoon’s thoughts are stuck on the plant, the laugh and the kiss he stole from you Saturday night. He knows he shouldn’t have kissed you at the same time. The part of him he never lets shine doesn’t regret it. That part only regrets the way it happened.

That part regrets ever letting you walk away in the first place.

“So, how does it feel being all boo’d up?” Taehyung questions, cocking an eyebrow. His way of teasing you makes you roll your eyes.

It took him exactly twenty minutes since he picked you up to ask. You should’ve known lunch with Taehyung was going to turn out to be as destructive as it was currently going.

Not only did he drive through the streets like he was in a game of Grand Theft Auto. He’s been doing what he knows how to do best. Stick his perfect nose in everybody’s business.

He scoffs when instead of answering his prying question you take a bite out of your Banh Mi sandwich. “Come on, you have to give me something. It’s the least you can do for lying to me.” He pouts, crossing his arms in front of him.

You swallow. “First I didn’t lie, second, I’m not boo’d up, and third you’re annoying.”

“That’s not fair. I saw a movie where two people were fake dating and then they ended up together.” He retorts, jabbing a finger in your direction before taking a bite out of his burrito.

“That’s a movie.” You deadpan.

He shrugs, looking at you as if you’re the one being irrational. “So?”

“So, it’s never going to happen?” You say exasperated. Maybe agreeing to go on a lunch date with your hopeless romantic of a best friend truly was a bad idea. Hey may be a player and a very eligible bachelor, but he loves love more than anyone you have ever known.

His inability in finding ‘the one’ whatever that means to Taehyung is what feeds his struggling artist persona. It’s the main reason why he hasn’t settled down even if he wanted to. He’s afraid of losing his art, the thing that keeps him alive.

“You’re in denial. There’s history between you and Namjoon. Someone is bound to break first and by what Jimin told me. It will be him.” He says mapping out with his hands like it’s the most complicated concept in the world.

Your eyes almost fall out of their sockets from how wide they get. You should’ve known Jimin would tell Taehyung everything the minute he got the chance to. “That rat.” You seethe.

Taehyung laughs, reaching his hand across the table and patting your palm lightly. “There, there, it’s not your fault he told me. I was drunk on Saturday and I needed a ride home but I didn’t want to wait for a cab. After he told me he couldn’t. I basically accused him of sleeping with someone and he broke. But like what else was I supposed to think. Little man hasn’t been getting out there since he found out he was in love with you. So I wanted to congratulate him, you know.”

“If this is your way of making me feel better… it’s not.” You send him a glare which makes his smile get even bigger.

“Maybe I want you to just feel a little bit guilty because I told you so.” He smirks, playing with the friendship ring your wear on your thumb.

The three of you have one. Made it together the weekend of his party. It was the day he finally came to terms with the semantics of yours and Jimin’s confusing relationship. If he had known the events that would unfold that night, he would’ve never pushed Jimin to confess his true feelings for you in the first place.

Maybe the real reason why he had avoided you after the whole Facebook status update was because in part he felt guilty for his best friend’s broken heart.

You weren’t the only one he had avoided.

When you don’t retaliate with a snarky comment he squeezes your hand. You’re looking down at your unfinished food and he knows your appetite is gone. Despite learning time and time again to keep his mouth shut he never seems to get it quite right.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I know you and Min talked it out and I know why you’re going through with the whole fake engagement, but please be careful.” He expresses turning the ring over in slow circles. “I know I don’t know Namjoon as well as you and Kook do but I know he’s not the easiest person to be around. He seems to be as emotionally constituted as a roach. And I don’t want my other best friend to be broken-hearted too.” He ends, retrieving his hand, setting it on his lap.

You grin, nodding your head. “Do roaches even have emotions?” You tilt your head to the side.

His famous boxy smile sneaks its way onto his face. “I don’t know, that’s why I said it.”

You giggle, raising your hands in defeat. “Noted.” You pick up your sandwich and take a bite out of it.

“Now enough about your sexy philosophy professor fake fiancé. How was your first day of school sweetheart, make any new friends?”

You roll your eyes, smiling brightly. Finally a subject you’ve been dying to talk about.

“You’re so fucking annoying.”

There was an upside to staying at work past hours. At least that’s what Namjoon kept telling himself when he was finally able to breeze through all his grading. Time went by as the stack of papers lessened, but the hammering in his heart only increased. His mind wouldn’t stop and it didn’t help that he was on his third americano. Sure he could’ve let out some steam at the gym, but his body ached and Jin had basically banned him for a week.

“You can’t always avoid your problems Joonie.” Jin had said out of breath, hands on his knees while he looked at him through sweaty bangs.

Namjoon hated that the self-proclaimed chef slash boxer was right. Yet, there he was pacing around his office. There weren’t any more papers to grade. It was past eight, and Namjoon could only hope that by the time he got home you would be locked away in your room.

That way he could continue to avoid his problems. Or avoid the problem he had created.

The only issue was that Namjoon wasn’t born lucky, just privileged. When he got home you were in the living room following along with an at home Pilates workout video. The aircon was off so you were dripping with sweat. Namjoon had to physically swallow the lump that had formed in his throat three times. But you were too distracted to notice so he assumed he could pass through his living room and into his office unscathed.

Wrong.

Namjoon bumped into the corner of his couch. Then stubbed his toe against the corner table, which caused the small vase containing a single yellow tulip to come crashing down on his hard wooden floor. The broken glass pieces scattered everywhere, cutting off your concentration and instantly finding his alarmed gaze.

Not only was Namjoon born unlucky. He was also born an absolute klutz. And not the cute quirky ones the jocks in every teen movie fell for. The kind that destroyed everything in its path.

Exhibit A: the vase.

Exhibit B: your trust.

“You’re back.” You say, sitting crossed legged on your baby blue yoga mat. The video was long forgotten playing in the background, while you tilted your head waiting for his answer.

“Yeah sorry for bothering you.” He said, leaning down, starting to slowly gather the pieces of broken glass. He tried to keep himself busy to avoid your presence but then he spotted the single droplet of sweat drawing a path down your neck, the middle of your chest and eventually disappearing behind your baby blue workout tank.

He swallows thickly.

For the second time that day he mentally cursed out Jin for banning him from going to the gym. Namjoon could physically feel his body shake and start to overheat. He needed to let out some steam and sort out all these confusing thoughts he’s been having since seeing you in the morning.

Namjoon always thought you were pretty. Like the innocent girl next door type of pretty. He never saw you as anything more or harbored any sort of sexual attraction towards you. The thought absolutely repulsed him back then because you were like his little sister. He could easily fall asleep next to you and wake up fine. He could talk to you about anything and everything and be your friend because there was nothing there.

In simple terms you weren’t his type and that was okay. So, Namjoon can’t really understand everything that’s happening. He can’t understand where the kiss, the jealousy, the lust, and the anger is stemming from. You are the same Plain Jane he tutored back then. The only slight difference is that you’re a little more confident and your hair is shorter. Your sense of style has matured a little but it doesn’t lack the fun and casual you sometimes opted for. It’s what makes you look younger than what you really were. You had this young aura surrounding you and Namjoon had never been attracted to that.

He just thinks he needs to get laid, and fast. Maybe he’ll text that pretty brunette chemistry professor. What was her name again? Rochelle, Rachel, Ray? Whatever it was he wasn’t planning on doing much talking. She’s kind and his type, familiar and most importantly she’s out of the loop. Keeps her head in the books and cares a rats ass about faculty gossip. He tries to reason with himself as he finishes picking up the glass pieces. To add on he tries to tell himself that you have Jimin so why couldn’t he also have a friend to run to?

“Don’t worry, I was almost done.” You interrupt his thoughts. He watches as you grab the remote from his couch and pause the video. He swallows a fifth time watching as you stand up, bend down, and roll up your yoga mat to then rest it against the foot of his gray couch. He begins to panic when you move to his black marble coffee table that you’ve pushed to the side.

Quickly, almost as if his body was on autopilot he placed the glass shards he’s picked up onto the corner table and scurries to where you were ready to push the table to its rightful place. He too finds himself bending down, and somehow his eyes land right where the top of your breasts are peaking out. He can’t see much, you’re still modestly covered, but the little that he does see. He finds himself staring at before looking away as if he were being burned by the rays of the sun. He swallows two more times.

God, he’s really to send Raya—that’s her name—a text the minute he locks himself in his bedroom.

“It’s not that heavy Namjoon.” You point out as you lift up your side of the table. Namjoon follows in suit and the two of you move it the five inches to the middle so it’s back in its designated spot. “Thank you anyway.” You stand up dusting your hands, giving him an appreciative smile. It somehow worsens the sweat that has formed in between the crevices of his long fingers. As well as the beating in his heart.

He needs to get a fucking grip. Namjoon doesn’t want to admit that he wanted to help you because you’re right the coffee table is not as heavy as it looks. Otherwise how would you have moved it in the first place?

You walk past him, patting his shoulder along the way. He watches you make your way to the kitchen and he has to restrain himself from letting his eyes travel any lower than your upper back. He’s annoyed that he’s acting like a hormonal teenager rather than a full grown adult who has had plenty of sex in his lifetime.

“At what time do you get out of work tomorrow?” You ask moving through his kitchen like it’s familiar. As if you were doing this for months rather than just a day. He hates how satisfying it feels, and he finds himself sitting on one of his kitchen barstools.

You look through his cupboards with vigor, somehow knowing exactly where he keeps his plates, cups, and his pans. Well…your pans. He watches while you turn on the gas stove and wait a while for things to heat up and open up a tupperware full of leftover fried rice. He guesses it’s what you had made for dinner earlier in the night.

Namjoon feels his stomach twist. He is unsure if it’s a good thing but he realizes that he is getting nervous again because it’s finally settled in that tonight would be the first night you will actually be sharing a house. That tomorrow morning when he wakes up he will find you enjoying a cup of tea or coffee in his kitchen. That he will have to share a bathroom with you. And drive you to work and home. Repeat. Until it becomes too much of familiarity and one of you cuts the other off again.

Then he comes across his second? Third? Fourth? realization of the night and ignores your previously asked question. “How did you get home?

“Jungkook I called him knowing he was free today which worked out perfectly because your mother gave him some kimchi to give to us. So, I made kimchi fried rice for dinner with all of the leftovers in your fridge.” You nonchalantly shrug your shoulders, before plating his meal. “Which brings me back to my last question. What time do you get off tomorrow?” You move around the kitchen as Namjoon lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding, and the green jealousy bubbling in the pit of his stomach disappears.

At least it wasn’t Jimin. He finds himself thinking. He shakes his head along with the thought away.

“Five tomorrow.” He finally answers when you set the plate out in front of him, along with a glass of water. “Why?”

“We need to go grocery shopping. Your fridge is practically empty, I used up all the ingredients that were going to go bad in the next few days.” You say sitting at the barstool in front of him and resting your chin on the palm of your hand. “Do you ever eat at home?”

Namjoon shakes his head, busying himself with his utensils before he takes a bite out of his food. A little part of him was hesitant because he knew you weren’t the best cook. Or worse you could poison him out of hatred. But he’s pleasantly surprised when the flavors instantly hit his tongue. It was delicious. Probably the best kimchi fried rice he’s ever had in his life. It almost seems impossible because this isn’t remotely a difficult dish to make. Yet, you’ve exceeded his expectations. He’s so enthralled with each bite that he forgets you’re still sitting in front of him.

“Do you like it?” You bite your lip in anticipation. When Namjoon looks up he fights the urge to reach over and tap your chin to get you to release your bottom lip. But he keeps himself grounded because he’s already crossed to many boundaries, and he doesn’t want you running back to Jimin.

Speaking of a boundary he shouldn’t cross but he still does, “Where did you spend the weekend?”

You push yourself back from the counter and release a sigh. “Jimins.” You look anywhere but him and it somehow annoys him.

“Your fuck buddy.” He stares blankly, setting down his fork. He could still eat more but you look mortified beyond belief and it makes his stomach churn.

Namjoon seems to just never learn.

You inhale deeply before responding, “I guess we should talk about that then.”

“No thanks I don’t care about who you’re fucking. It’s not like we’re exclusive, or steady or whatever we are.” He shrugs, proceeding to pick at his food with his fork. He really needs to shut up before he says something he knows he’ll regret later.

You roll your eyes, taking his glass of water and downing it in one go. He watches as a single droplet runs past your lips, down the side of your chin, and eventually your neck. He would’ve shamelessly continued to follow its path if you hadn’t slammed the cup onto the cloth coaster. It startles him and you look livid.

“I’m not fucking Jimin at least not anymore. We finally talked it out like civil adults and agreed we were better off as friends.” You spit out crossing your arms in front of you. “I know this is all fake, but the only way we will be able to keep up this act is if we both agree to not see anyone else. Otherwise that would create an even bigger mess than the one we have already.” You finish, and Nmajoon’s appetite is officially gone for the night.

Now, he feels guilty for even entertaining the idea of texting Raya. Only a little bit. There was some logic to what you were saying and he was being irrational earlier.

“I guess you’re right. I’m sorry for assuming.”

You have to blink a few times trying to process everything. This was rare. Namjoon was never known to be someone who apologizes unless he truly feels sorry. You almost leave the conversation at that, afraid that he will take it back the second you say someone he doesn’t want to hear again, but he speaks up, “How do you propose we from here then. I mean we are both humans with needs and if we can’t, you know…release those needs with each other because I don’t see you like…in that way and I’m assuming you don’t either, and it’s not part of the deal.” He breathes out before continuing. “What should we do then?” He finishes with a sigh, picking up his fork again, and waits for you to answer.

You’re caught off guard, the argument that was sitting at the back of your throat dies down. You didn’t expect him to admit defeat so early on. When the two of you were friends, the petty arguments you got into lasted for hours; but here he was showing you a different side of him, and you aren’t sure what to think of it yet.

“We will cross that line when we get there. For now I think we need to start small and just move on from our past. Maybe go on small friendship dates. Like the ones we used to go on every time I passed my tests.” You shrug. It was the only option that made sense. “It’s why I asked you when you get off work tomorrow. We can maybe go grocery shopping together. Start there.” You point out, watching as Namjoon goes back to eating your food.

It’s a weird feeling but watching him eat makes your heart feel a little warm. Back when you started living alone, you were an absolute mess in the kitchen. You burned your chicken to make sure it was thoroughly cooked for crying out loud. And after you set off the fire alarm one too many times, Jungkook decided to teach you all the easy ten minute recipes he learned on YouTube. This was one of the dishes you were the most confident in making. It also happened to be one of Namjoon’s favorites, and maybe that’s why you had made it. To soften the blow a little because you knew you were asking too much of him.

To you it seems like it had worked because he wasn’t nearly as angry as you assumed he would be. In fact he wasn’t angry at all.

Namjoon swallows his last spoonful and looked back at you. His face was blank but his next words completely went against the coldness hiding behind his eyes. “I’ll be in front of your office at five. I need to finish imputing a couple of grades into the system. And then we could head to the market together.” He nods firmly before standing up and picking up his plate, taking long strides to the dishwasher.

You watch him in silence while he put on the hot pink rubber gloves and grabbed the sponge, pumping a decent amount of soap on it. It was all so domestic and oddly comforting.

He was about to turn the hot water on when he stopped, placing his palms against the counter. He quickly turns to face you, his eyes find yours instantly and for the first time in a long time he did something he hasn’t done in years.

He smiles.

“Thank you for dinner. It was delicious.”

Your heart almost stops but you pushed away the butterflies erupting in the pit of your stomach. They weren’t real, they didn’t mean anything, Namjoon just has a smile that can light up worlds. So you ignored it and quickly responded “you’re welcome.” Before making your way to your room, so he couldn’t see your blushing cheeks. Or realize that he had made your heart start beating ten times faster than its usual rate. The closer you got to your room the faster you started to walk and before you knew it you had made it inside and closed the door behind you, resting your back against it and quietly releasing the little school girl squeal you were holding in.

God, you were pathetic.

Back in the kitchen, Namjoon is trying to occupy himself with the dishes. He can’t stop himself from giving into another realization. It seems like tonight he was full of them, but this one scared him the most.

Maybe he was at a crossroads and he had already unknowingly crossed the line because he was feeling something deep in his heart. Something he didn’t know he could possibly feel. Though that’s not what had initially scared him. He was scared of his fear and how it consumes him to the point that he talks himself out of situations. Just like it did all those years ago when you had confessed to him.

It’s something his pride and ego won’t ever let him admit.

Yet, deep down Namjoon knew better. The line had been crossed the minute he had entered Taehyung’s apartment. The minute he told you all about his plan. The minute he had placed his mothers engagement ring in the palm of your hand underneath his parents patio table.

The line had been crossed when he proposed to you. When he had asked you to move in with him and when he kissed you.

How does he come back from that?

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ethicaltreatmentofcowplants · 5 months ago

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Asylum Challenge: Days One & Two

For the first two days, the Watcher mostly used the gameplay to beef up the one means she's using to organize the townies: clubs. There are two: a chore/self care club and a socialisation club. By the end of Day Two, we had eight members in them all and had redeemed points to give them a 'friendly' vibe.

The first of Lilac's four aspirations that she has to complete, according to the rules, is Painter Extraordinaire. Here's her progress after Day One.

Level One: III at Easel

✅ Paint for 5 Hours ❌ Start 3 Paintings While Inspired (2/3)

With such a motley crew as this, clashes were inevitable - and an occult combustion spontaneously occurred.

I regret to inform you that Vlad, with his nighttime strength perks, won the rematch after dinner, so for now they are tied.

Some friendly interactions also bloomed, with Lilac, Ted and fellow foodie L. appreciating maxed out chef Raj Rasoya's tasty dinner, and Lilac even sharing her joke about a sage, a corrupt mayor and a wanted criminal who one day walked into an asylum.

"We've heard this one before," said L.

Meredith and Jacques also joined them. So far everyone seems to like Meredith, possibly because of her GOOD trait, and even Jacques has been somewhat behaving himself.

After dinner it was reading, cleaning, napping and shower time via the house/self care club rules. MEAN L. Faba and EVIL Ted naturally hit it off, with Meredith electing to leave them to bond about... likely nothing good for the rest of us.

What was Raj doing lurking in the garden? Well, at that point there was only one toilet, so likely he was making use of the party bush.

The too-bright hallway lighting showing off his melanin-deficient charms to the fullest, Vlad attempted to win over Meredith, but where his EVIL trait didn't dissuade her, his uncontrolled hissing and spitting did the rest. Better luck another day, Vladdy.

And then as the witching hour struck, the Watcher realised that there was one Sim whose needs she wouldn't have to monitor too closely...

I truly have no idea why there were so few pictures from Day Two - maybe I had been struggling with the lighting and finally conceding defeat (three days so far have been played, so by Day Four it should be better :x). Meredith was on cooking duty, so the Sims got good eats for the second day in a row... including Vlad who joined in spite of that trait that makes him sick when he eats food.

Both he and the party bushes were later ruing his choice.

Level Two: Fine Artist

✅ Reach Painting Level 4 ✅ Sell 3 Paintings to Collectors or the Art Gallery ❌ Complete 3 Emotional Paintings (1/3)

Lilac painted enough to reach Level 2 of her aspiration, and even earned a stan in the process, who turned out to be Eleanor Sullivan. Haven't you darkened our doors enough by calling my teenaged Sims who don't even have children?

Fortunately L. was around to deal with the nuisance.

Upon setting this up, I'm realising just how ungainly it is to switch between the game and Paint 3D in order to take multiple screencaps, so hopefully C becomes more instinctual (also screencaps keep things in chronological order). More happens in Day Three, I promise.

#my sims #lilac moon #sims 4 challenge #sims 4 gameplay #asylum challenge #sims 4 asylum #vladislaus straud #meredith roswell #ted roswell #jacques villareal #raj rasoya #lux demarco #l. faba #eleanor sullivan

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electronickingdomfox · 7 months ago

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"Demons" review

Novel from 1986 by J. M. Dillard.

It started promisingly, with a story about demonic possession, hints of "The Exorcist", and a sense of creeping horror. At Sarek's and Amanda's house, of all places. But I didn't like much the direction it took afterwards. The later sections are split between scenes in the Enterprise, where Kirk punches possessed people and locks them in closets, over and over again. And the (somewhat more interesting) plot of Spock, McCoy and Mary Sue, searching for a solution to the problem, where most of the adventure comes from McCoy being a constant damsel in distress. It doesn't help that he puts himself and the others in so much danger, just because of a really uncharacteristic and childish behavior on his part (though he kind of redeems himself at the end). The key to defeating the titular "demons" is also quite anticlimactic. And I feel that the plot of "Kirk vs. mutinous crew" was better done in previous novels, like "Mutiny on the Enterprise", with a more nuanced villain and satisfying resolution. There are some good scenes, though. In particular the final showdown at Sarek's house carries quite the emotional punch.

This is the second Star Trek novel by Dillard, and there are several things in common with the other one ("Mindshadow"). Sarek and Amanda also figure prominently, this time in the unusual role of enemies. And large sections of the story are set on Vulcan, including an appearance of the masters of Gol. Lieutenant Ingrid Tomson returns as well, with a greater protagonism in the story, helping Kirk to fight against the murderous crewmembers. As also happened with "Mindshadow", there's a Mary Sue stealing the spotlight and having a romance with McCoy (which has as much chemistry as inert matter). But while Dr. Saenz at least played a key role, here Dr. Anitra Lanter has no real business in the story, other than doing the things that Spock could perfectly do himself. The romance is also incredibly shoehorned in the middle of the story, as it comes from nowhere, and by later sections it has basically disappeared (and with this, I think there's been three McCoy romances in the TOS novels so far: all of them sucked, all of them reminded us that the woman was young enough to be his daughter, and all of them ultimately pinpointed just how gay he is for Spock). So yeah, I can't say I liked this Anitra character at all. And her personality traits don't quite mesh together: she's a brilliant scientist with a doctorate (in her early 20's), she has studied among Vulcans to control her telepathic abilities, she's a practical joker that pranks the Captain with her "haha! so funny!" jokes, she's a barroom brawler, she behaves like a child... I don't know, make up your mind!

As a side note, and even if I didn't like this novel all that much, it has a distinctive quality: Uhura kicks a possessed Kirk in the balls, and that's something that doesn't happen everyday.

Spoilers under the cut:

Some scientists have recently returned to Vulcan from Beekman's Planet, where they unearthed ancient artifacts that seem like boxes, impossible to open due to their magnetic fields. The artifacts suggest an older, more advanced civilization than all others in that sector. Among these scientists is Silek, Sarek's brother, who's staying at his house, and who lost his wife under strange circumstances during the expedition. And there's also Silek's father-in-law, Starnn, who gifts Sarek one of the mysterious boxes. Soon thereafter, Amanda starts noticing disturbing things at her home: uprooted rose bushes, portraits upside down, and a not-quite-himself Sarek.

Meanwhile, the Enterprise is headed for Vulcan to drop there more scientists from Beekman, and have shore leave. We're introduced to brilliant Dr. Anitra Lanter, who's currently working in some secret project with Spock. However, during the trip, Lieutenant Tomson finds her security team member al-Baslama brutally murdered in his quarters. And the description of his corpse is really, REALLY gruesome; so much that it made me feel lucky that this was a book and not a film... The murder investigation returns nothing, but nonetheless, Kirk decides to go ahead with the shore leave at Vulcan, because why not (and this is something that also happened in "Mindshadow": Kirk granting a shore leave under absolutely unreasonable conditions). Also, Kirk feels like singing in the shower after seeing the horribly mutilated corpse. And everyone aboard hears him singing through the intercoms, since Anitra thought it would be very funny to violate the Captain's privacy with a hidden microphone (hahaha...ha?). Kirk punishes her by sending her with Scotty to overhaul the engines, but she does it in no time because she's brilliant. So she gets to enjoy shore leave at Sarek's house, with Kirk, Spock and McCoy.

During the visit, they find Silek murdered in the garden, and later Starnn impaled in a sword, as if he had commited suicide. That same day, Anitra wakes up in the middle of the night and sneakes into Sarek's study. The strange box begins to open, and she averts her eyes from the light inside. First Spock, and then Sarek, follow her, and she alerts Spock through their mind-link to not look at the light, or Sarek's eyes. They evade Sarek with excuses, and confer at Anitra's room: she tells Spock that his father has been taken by the same entity that's possessing the Vulcans, and forcing them to commit those murders. And it's apparent that Anitra and Spock have been investigating this problem for a while. Nonetheless, the next day Spock and Anitra go to the Vulcan Academy, while Kirk and McCoy go to a bar (because why not?), leaving Amanda alone with the possessed Sarek (what could go wrong?). Amanda finds a warning note from the late Silek, and tries to contact the Enterprise, but too late. Sarek has found her... Fortunately, Uhura was suspicious of the cut transmission, and alerts Spock, who rushes to his home and saves Amanda from Sarek. It turns out that Sarek (or whatever has taken control of him) murdered Silek and Starnn.

Everybody has returned to the Enterprise, and Amanda is put to sleep with a sedative, after her traumatic experience. Finally, Spock explains what's going on. The researchers at Beekman were infected by parasites that mesh with the brain at subatomic levels, and force the victim to commit unspeakable acts of sadism. Anitra is specially sensible to the entities due to her telepathic powers, and can sense who's possessed; but those same powers make her specially desirable for the parasites. The major problem now, is that the infection spreads quickly through contact, and thanks to the very intelligent actions of everyone (from Starfleet to Kirk), now both Vulcan and the Enterprise are infested.

Amanda is one of the first to appear possessed, when she attacks Anitra. The parasites speak through her, telling Anitra that, if she stuns Amanda, they'll kill the host. She's forced to stun her, however, and Amanda is put in life support, apparently dead. Things get worse, once it's revealed that Scotty (currently commanding) and the whole bridge crew are also possessed, and are bringing the ship to Rigel to further spread the infection. Kirk goes to the hangar to secure a means of escape, while Spock sabotages the engines to put the Enterprise adrift. Meanwhile, Anitra and McCoy barricade themselves at auxiliary control, with Amanda's lifeless body. The situation is of course very romantic, so they start to flirt. When Kirk returns to auxiliary control, he finds out that Amanda was just playing dead and attacked Anitra again, so McCoy put them both to sleep with a hypo. Then, McCoy notices something weird about Kirk... The Captain has been also possessed! But before Kirk can attack them, Spock storms into the room with Uhura (who's also free of parasites) and stuns Kirk. Uhura stays at auxiliary control, to watch over Kirk and Amanda, while Spock, McCoy and Anitra run to the hangar. In the end, only Anitra gets into the shuttle and flees away, since McCoy and Spock stay behind to secure her escape.

Somehow, evil-Kirk has recovered and escaped, and captures Spock and McCoy, showing them how the Enterprise destroys the shuttle. Then Spock and McCoy are put together in the brig, but are rescued by Anitra. The shuttle was just a decoy, and now they're free to take another and return to Vulcan. The objective is taking a live subject with parasites, and study him at the Vulcan Academy in search for a cure. They land on the Vulcan desert, far away from the city, and have to traverse it on foot. McCoy is attacked by a tentacled man-eating plant and sprains his ankle. But he's too stubborn to be carried by Spock so they proceed very slowly, and once the sun rises, McCoy collapses from the heat. They find shelter in a cave, inhabited by the Kolinahr masters of Gol, where McCoy recovers a bit. Spock asks the masters to take care of McCoy while he and Anitra solve the parasite crisis. But he should have asked them to tie the doctor up instead, because McCoy is determined to come along, so he follows them secretly across the desert... And then a le-matya attacks McCoy, so now he's poisoned (face palm). Anitra has to go quickly to the city, get an antidote from a local healer, and hitchhike her way back in a flying car, to cure McCoy.

In the Enterprise, Uhura catches the naughty Kirk again, and after stunning and locking him up for a day or so, Kirk recovers from the possession. After this comes a lot of Kirk sneaking through corridors, punching people and all that. It's a bit messy, but suffice to say that at the end, only he and Lieutenant Tomson are free from the parasites. They notice that people who've been unconscious and isolated for a while tend to become themselves again. Thus, they flood the entire ship with sleeping gas, and problem solved, for the moment.

Finally at the Vulcan Academy lab, Spock leaves McCoy and Anitra there, while he goes fetch a test subject for the experiments: his father, who's still at home doing... possessed things, I guess. Spock confronts Sarek, but he's no match for him and is rendered unconscious. At the lab, Anitra feels the severed mind-link with Spock, and rushes to help him. McCoy, of course, wants to go too (but it's okay, this is the only time he ends up being useful). At Sarek's home, McCoy tends to the unconscious Spock, who's suffered a fracture in the head and will die without immediate surgery. While Anitra goes after Sarek, armed with a phaser. And just then, the doctor notices that Spock's phaser is missing... uh, oh! Sarek returns triumphant, with a now possessed Anitra in tow. They try to force McCoy to revive Spock, so they can torture him later. McCoy offers himself instead, if they will just leave Spock alone, but the demons laugh at this (everyone in this novel reminds poor McCoy that he's useless, even the parasites!). The doctor is put in a very difficult situation: on the one hand, he can't just let Spock die; on the other, if he revives him, the entities will just kill him in a horrible way. Thus, he resorts to trickery, and injects Spock with something that stops his heart for a moment (I guess it's the same thing he used on Kirk in Amok Time, which may prove that he just carries one of those hypos everywhere...). McCoy focuses on his grief for Spock's "death", knowing that Anitra's telepathy will make her feel that, and believe Spock's truly dead. When she enters the room to check it, McCoy incapacitates her, takes the phaser, and stuns both her and Sarek.

A while later, Spock wakes up in the Academy lab, recovered from his injury. As it turns out, McCoy brought them all there, and now has Sarek and Anitra in isolation chambers to begin the experiments. They try several compounds on them, but nothing works, and both subjects are dying... Until they're not. Sarek wakes up, and he's again himself. As it turns out, a bit of waiting was all that was required (which Kirk had already discovered in his own way aboard the Enterprise). The parasites need to feed constantly on others, so after a day or so of isolation, they just simply disappear.

In the final part the Enterprise, with its crew back to normal, puts some bombs filled with sleeping gas over Vulcan, so everybody is eventually freed of the parasites. There's also an explanation for the boxes found in Beekman; they were containers for the entities, that would keep them indefinitely alive after all hosts in the planet had died. That way, they had waited for millenia, until new potential hosts appeared.

Spirk Meter: 0/10*. Nothing that comes to mind, unless you count Kirk's confidence in Spock finding a solution for the infestation, no matter what... But c'mon, you can do better than that!

The Spones, however, is veeeery heavy. At the beginning, McCoy is hilariously jealous of Anitra and Spock spending so much time together. He confronts first Anitra, and then Spock about it, warning the Vulcan that Anitra may have a crush on him. The response of both is that he should mind his own business. Later, McCoy confronts Spock again, when he finds him leaving Anitra's room in the middle of the night, and he's again suspicious and angry. Sure, the narrative later tells us that McCoy was jealous because he liked Anitra all along. Only that... it doesn't look like that in the slightest. At this early point, there's been no sign whatsoever that McCoy is interested in her. His only concern for Anitra was that she was developing an ulcer, and McCoy had even suggested to her that she should date young men her own age (which obviously would exclude him). So the later explanation seems more like a retcon than anything, or a bad case of "tell and not show". But there's much more. Throughout the entire novel, Spock and McCoy are protecting each other, and in fact, whenever there's a choice between staying with Spock, or going after Anitra, McCoy somehow ends up always with Spock, having some emotional conversation about how thankful they are for the other's help, or how sorry they are for having hurt each other. At times, it seems that Anitra is just there to fulfill Spock's duties, so Spock's free to be alone with McCoy and have angsty scenes with him. It happens first when Spock chooses to stay with McCoy, unnecessarily, while he treats Amanda. Which prompts Kirk to comment that Spock only did it to protect McCoy (of course, Spock quickly denies it). Then McCoy lets Anitra go away in the shuttle, because he's that stubborn about protecting Spock, which leads to another emotionally charged scene in the brig (very similar to the one in Bread and Circuses). And once McCoy discovers that Anitra's alive and Spock knew all along, he feels "the ridiculous urge to kiss the Vulcan or kill him". It's Spock who rescues McCoy from the tentacle plant, and gives him the vine to eat something. And later, when McCoy kisses Anitra in the cave, Spock interrupts them with a cough, and Anitra leaves them alone once more. Then McCoy acts all embarrassed, and looks guilty at Spock (why guilty!?), while Spock feeds him. In fact, Anitra could take a bath in a cave pool, since Spock was so concerned about McCoy, that she knew they'd leave her in privacy. After the le-matya incident, it's Anitra who leaves, and Spock stays to nurse McCoy. Then the doctor apologizes (to Spock!) for being in love with Anitra, and that he didn't intend to love her... See a pattern already? It's even more evident at the climax, after Anitra has been possessed and McCoy protects Spock against her, offering himself to be tortured in his stead. Spock also wonders why McCoy took the trouble of bringing Sarek to the lab too, since testing with Anitra was enough. McCoy can't tell him the real reason. So yeah, there's something curious going on here. Is Anitra a genuine love interest for McCoy? Or is she being used as a device to underline Spock and McCoy's closeness (in a similar way that the woman in the novel "Triangle" was used, to emphasize the same between Kirk and Spock)?

On a lesser note, there's a bit of McKirk if you want. Kirk and McCoy are given the same guest room while staying at Sarek's house (though we don't know if they shared a bed or not). Which is frankly unnecessary; the author invented a separate guest room for Anitra, so it's not like she couldn't have invented a further room in the house, right? The way that possessed Kirk talks to McCoy is also kind of... suggestive:

"If we need to take someone, we take her. If we don't need to take someone, we can still use him... for other purposes." He smiled menacingly at McCoy, who quickly lowered his eyes. "We don't just... leave him alone."

And later:

He leered at them. "I want you to think--really think about what happened to people on this ship who were uncooperative." "Such as al-Baslama," said Spock coldly, "and Liu..." The remark seemed to please rather than anger him. "To mention only two. We don't need you, gentlemen. But we can use you… at our leisure, and for our own pleasure." His chilling smile was the last thing McCoy saw as they left the bridge.

Sure, it's the parasites talking, and not the real Kirk. But they don't seem to say these things to others, or while possessing other people.

#star trek tos #star trek novels #novel review #spones #mckirk

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princeasimdiya12 · 9 months ago

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Bucchigiri Utena Parallel-The Depravity of Sad, Strange Little Men

While there have been various comparisons that can be found between Bucchigiri and Revolutionary Girl Utena. From it's parallels with the main protagonist duo, the usage of fairy tales and their influence towards the heroes, to themes of self-stagnation & it's consequences. But for me, something I've had a hard time finding was direct comparisons between it's core cast. While they do have some similarities, not all of it is ideally parallel with the Bucchigiri delinquents having different personalities and arcs compared to the Utena duelists. That said, I was able to find two characters who came close with paralleling each other: in terms of their designated roles, their origins, their stance on gender and what becomes of them afterwards.

Shindo Akutaro and Kyouichi Saionji

Disclaimer: Just as a warning, there will be light spoilers from Revolutionary Girl Utena that will be discussed, though mainly in relation to Saionji's character and less of the series in general. There will also be mentions of domestic and sexual abuse.

Part 1: The Starter Villain

One of the first similarities that both Saionji and Akutaro share is that they both start out as the first official antagonists in their respective series. The way they're presented in the series makes them come off as genuinely dangerous men who intentionally cause harm for others.

Saionji's first scene is him slapping Anthy over an unheard conversation which is made worse when it's established that she's "betrothed" to him. He "justifies" the abuse because of the engagement which he treats as being in a relationship with him as the domineering boyfriend and Anthy as his loyal girlfriend. But what drives Utena to confront him is when he (supposedly) posted Wakaba's love letter in a public space for everyone to mock. Utena and the audience are meant to find him despicable for his behavior and want to see him be taken down ASA-NOW.

Akutaro also serves as a despisable human being who is presented as the first major threat in the series. He's portrayed as the most bloodthirsty and cruelest of the Big Three Banchos introduced in the story. While Marito rivals him in bloodthirstiness and sadism (and was technically the first adversary Arajin was forced to confront), he is shown to have some redeemable traits such as his friendship with Outa and his genuine respect towards Kenichirou. The same cannot be said for Akutaro who has no redeeming attributes. He frequently mistreats his NG Boys with threats and violence viewing them as inferior to him, forces them to steal from non-gang affiliated students, and is preparing an elaborate plot to force the rival gangs to destroy each other so he can take over.

It's also worth mentioning that his role as the first villain was even foreshadowed in the opening song. Whereas Marito and Kenichirou only looked big and scary in front of Arajin, they never actually grab him and look as though they want Arajin to face them. Akutaro is the only one who interacts with Arajin by binding him with his whips, stripping him to his boxers and tossing him down a dark hole.

The audience recognizes Akutaro as the least likable but most dangerous of the bancho leaders and are hoping to see him be taken down before his wicked plots can take effect.

But despite being presented as major villains, they didn't actually start out that way. They were once regular kids who ended up falling into the dark side because of a falling out between them and a man they once looked up to.

Part 2: Now You'll Respect Me, Because I'm a Threat

As explained in Episode 5, Akutaro actually started out as a humble nerd who was an easy target for delinquents to pick on. But that all changed when he was rescued by Kenichirou and was given the opportunity to join Minato Kai alongside him. Akutaro accepted and trained himself into becoming a man worthy of Kenichirou's respect. But that all changed when Akutaro brought a weapon to the fighting ring, something that was strongly discouraged in MK which lead to his banishment.

And in Saoinji's case, he once had a close friendship with Touga Kiryuu, the Student Council President and future antagonist following his defeat. Both boys started out caring for one another and saw each other as equals. But that all changed when they came across a young girl in a coffin who just lost her parents and wanted to join them. The next day, the girl disappeared and Touga's attitude about the mystery girl causes Saionji to think that he showed her something eternal to help her leave the coffin.

Both boys started out as genuine and harmless friends to someone they once admired. But after a conflict involving ideals, the friendship became strained. Akutaro swore vengeance against Kenichirou for tossing him aside and vowed to destroy him while Saionji, despite still being friends with Touga in the present, would develop intense levels of jealousy and and inferiority complex.

But whereas Saionji was driven by envy because of Touga's manipulations and desire to stand out on top between the two of them, Akutaro was the one who broke his friendship by refusing to accept Kenichirou's ideals and how he was in the wrong to use weapons in a true fight.

Each of them had different reasons for their falling out, but they shared the same dream of becoming stronger then their former friends in the hopes of surpassing them. And surprisingly, both boys are successful when it comes to building themselves up as men worthy of respect and power.

Saionji would grow up to be the captain of the school's Kendo Team, amassing horde of fangirls who were swayed by his bewitching good looks and is also an official member of the Student Council. It's also implied that he was a worthy duelist as he started out with Anthy in his possession before Utena became involved, meaning that he bested the other duelists (minus Touga) beforehand.

And in only a few years time, Akutaro managed to create a delinquent gang that's on the same level of credibility as MK and SS who've lasted for several decades. The NG Boys have a large number of followers, several bases for meetings and weapons manufacturing and even having territorial rights in certain locations in Honki City. Though it isn't specified on how much of the NG Boys' creation and success was due to Akutaro's own merits or if Ichiya was involved in it's genesis, but it stands that he succeeded in making a fearsome group to command with many of the other rival gang members acknowledging them as a threat that shouldn't be messed with on a whim.

Part 3: Gender Politics in My Anime?

To maintain their power and assert their authority over others, both Akutaro and Saionji rely on traditional gender norms to maintain their respective identities and influences. The problem being is that the norms they rely on fall heavily on toxic masculinity.

In RGU, Saionji's toxic masculinity is shown towards his mistreatment of Anthy and his resentment of Touga. And while the other men in Utena are also guilty of engaging in toxic masculinity and strict gender norms, Saionji's practices stand out as being the most noticeable and easy to identify.

He views Anthy as an ideal girlfriend who should obey and follow along with his will regardless of what she thinks. Any opposition is met with slapping her and scolding her for thinking differently. His views towards Touga is someone who challenges his status as the superior man. He's constantly in conflict with him when it comes to kendo competitions or how they should go about the dueling tournaments. And in each instance, Touga always comes out on top which fuels Saionji's insecurity which leads to anger and violently lashing out at anyone or anything to cross his path.

It's also mentioned that he makes several misogynistic comments about the roles men and women play which would contribute to his ongoing hatred of Utena. A girl who refuses to play her role and stands between him and his supposed Rose Bride. Although it isn't outright stated, it's also implied that Saionji did come from an abusive family which would explain how he obtained his callous mistreatment of women, his ideas on gender roles along with his casual usage of violence.

Akutaro also shares similar beliefs when it comes to power and respect. His use of weapons and lack of an honor code when fighting contribute to his belief that a great man is one who will do anything to win. Even if it means being violent, cruel, sadistic and merciless, it all will be worth it as he stands above everyone. The Emperor for the World to see. He even forces these ideals to his NG Boys just before the big war by encouraging them to embrace the ideal of kill or be killed. As in they kill the other gang members or they'll be killed by his own hand for failing to meet his expectations.

As for how he views and mistreats women... Before we can go into that, I'd like to take a quick detour and bring up how Minato Kai and Siguma Squad engage with gender norms.

Bucchigiri doesn't exactly go into detail with gender politics due to it's significant lack of girl characters and how the main boys rarely mention their own beliefs about girls in general. (With the exception of Arajin who only shows interests in girls by seeing them as potential girlfriends and tools used to lose his virginity and the narrative is more than willing to punish him for his beliefs). Not to mention it is rather questionable why there haven't been any girl members to be part of either Minato Kai or Siguma Squad, especially since there isn't a rule saying girls aren't allowed. Despite this, it is worth bringing up how the two clubs are rather lenient when it comes to how the boys defy traditional gender norms.

In Minato Kai, Matakara is presented as the most sensitive, friendly and warm-hearted boy of the group. He's always shown as easy to warm up to and welcoming of other people provided you aren't a threat. None of the MK boys have any issue with his sensitivity and how he boasts on how Arajin is better than him in terms of strength. It even comes as a shock for everyone when he turns to the dark side and begins his quest of fighting everyone for the sake of getting stronger. In a traditional shonen show, a man engaging in this behavior while closing his heart would be applauded since that's what's commonly expected. Whereas in Bucchigiri, it's portrayed as a tragedy that Matakara would go against his beliefs.

Other examples include Komao who dresses in a feminine manner but is never subject to mockery or being made fun of by his peers or the show. Zabu is also able to express emotional honesty towards Matakara regarding him being the reason the war started which is made better as Matakara accepts his apology and still treats him as a friend. Not to mention that he does make beautiful paper decorations and takes pride in it.

Siguma Squad also follow a similar acceptance of emotional vulnerability among it's core members. This is most evident in Episode 10 during Jabishiri and Hagure's confrontation with Corrupted!Matakara. Following the brutal defeat, Jabishiri who's presented as the most aggressive, moody and masculine of the duo expresses genuine disappointment in front of Hagure and comes close to crying. And in the following episode, when he tries to hunt Matakara despite his injuries, Hagure slaps him and cries his heart out while calling him out for his thick-headenness. In any shonen series, the masculine one would snipe at their friend for acting like a sissy and not like a real man. But Jabishiri lets him and realizes that he's right. And even Outa, who can be interpreted as a traditionally masculine man, never chastises the duo for their behavior or how they're not acting like real men. He instead acknowlegeds their emotions and promises them that they'll still keep Siguma Squad alive.

So both gangs are shown to be accepting of emotional vulnerability amongst their groups and are pretty okay with their members expressing gender-non-conforming actions without fear.

As for the NG Boys, that vulnerability is nonexistent as the Emperor uses a brutal and heartless manner of keeping his underlings in check. The boys can only discuss in secret with each other over their own feelings on the matter out of fear of being victimized by the Emperor. Mixed with the lack of individualization of the NG Boys, they exist in a space controlled by Akutaro where only his voice and beliefs, belonging to the greatest man, can be acknowledged and obeyed.

And that is in relation to how the boys in the three groups are able to relate to each other. But there is one component of the NG Boys that neither their rival gangs have but also gives an understanding of Akutaro's toxic masculinity.

The NG Girls.

The existence of the girls highlights how it is possible for girls to be affiliated with any of the gangs. But how curious that instead of fighting alongside the NG Boys as potential fighters and delinquents, they instead only work as flashy showgirls. Wearing cute outfits, performing elaborate dance choreography and acting flirty with anyone that their boss sets in their sights. And given that Akutaro is the boss and prime founder of the NG Boys, it's within reason to believe that he came up with the idea of NG Girls and their roles in his gang.

So sad to say, their existence and jobs falls into gender stereotyping with what is expect of boys and girls. Boys are expected to be tough fighters who show no fear, cannot confide in each other and will hurt others without restraint. Girls are expected look cute, be desirable and attend to the needs of the boys they come across. It's also implied that they work as prostitutes based on Akutaro promising Arajin to "pop his cherry" using the girls mixed with their seductive actions during the dance scene.

And of course there's the whole scene with Akutaro proposing on turning Mahoro into a trophy girl aka sex slave once he takes down Marito. He sees her as a prize to be claimed after defeating her older brother and would consider sexually exploit her for the sake of dragging Siguma Squad's reputation into the ground. So it is rather concerning that he views girls as objects to be claimed and toyed with as a spoil of war. Something a power-hungry man would enjoy having.

Thankfully, both boys are clearly presented as being in the wrong for their beliefs and practices of toxic masculinity which makes their defeat at the hands of the heroes very satisfying.

Part 4: How the Mighty Have Fallen

Once the antagonists are defeated by their respective protagonists, they end up falling into two roles as the story continues: pawns for the fairy tale villains and comic relief.

As mentioned before, Saionji's friendship with Touga is presented as a constant power struggled fueled by jealousy and insecurity. Touga actually knows of Saionji's feelings and purposefully exploits them for his own gain. First in Season 1 by tricking him with a fake letter as part of his grand scheme of making himself look good in front of Utena and later in Season 3 when he starts to collaborate with End of the World.

For Akutaro, following his defeat and exposure at the Gang War Arc, he's tricked into helping Ichiya reach Matakara with the promise of revenge. But as soon as Ichiya makes official contact, he abandons Akutaro leaving him powerless and resentful.

And during the time they're used, they essentially fade into the background as the protagonists turn their attention to other pressing matters regarding the plot and their relationships with their friends. The starter villain that once posed as a significant threat is casually ignored or brushed off without a care. And given what heartless monsters they were since the beginning, who wouldn't want to ignore them or give them a death glare to shut them up?

Because of Saionji's brutish behavior, Utena and friends rarely pay him attention, even when he has "important" things to say, and instead focus on other events in their daily lives. It's even more apparent when he's temporarily expelled from Otori Academy and loses his influence among the student body. Thus forcing him into becoming a nobody.

And with having lost the great war, his former NG Boys have no reason to continue following him and beat him up as retribution for his past transgressions. They along with the NG Girls openly laugh at what a loser he is and promise each other not to let someone like him boss them around anymore. And with no influence or status, all Akutaro can do is watch from the sidelines hoping that fate will be kind enough to defeat his enemies for him.

Though a major difference when it comes to both boys in regards to their pathetic states is that Saionji continues to have relevance in the story while Akutaro remains a bystander. Despite losing a fourth time to Utena in Season 3, he still sticks around as a Student Council Member and even works alongside Touga when he decides to stop Utena. He even brings up how questionable it is to follow the End of the World's ideals when he and the other council members don't know his true motivations. And although Akutaro does warn Arajin of the Honki People's true agenda and the danger they're in, he doesn't actively do anything afterwards. He mainly stays on the side watching the final battles play out. And it's more than likely he won't be able to do much when Matakara has his ultimate battle with Arajin.

Conclusion

Both Akutaro and Saionji start out as the first villains of the story that the audience is meant to dislike because of their cruel and power-hungry behaviors. The reason they transformed into dangerous men was because of a falling out they had with men they once admired in the past. As a result, they would work hard into becoming men with great authority all in the hopes of vanquishing the ones that wronged them and to prove how much better they are then them. The two are also shown to have practiced toxic masculinity given their horrid views of how women should be treated, their ideals on "might makes right" and how they refuse to engage in emotional vulnerability. And once they're defeated, they're brushed off to the side as comic relief while spectating the new battles that the heroes engage in.

And those are my thoughts on the similarities between these two jerks. I never imagined I would make this type of analysis post since I personally hate Saionji. I respect his role in RGU and understand his character in the long term, but men who hurt women while calling it love is something I will never forgive. Either way, I saw the similarities so I decided to put up with him for this analysis So what do you think of these thoughts and the roles of the two villains? If you agree or disagree with anything I’ve written, please feel free to reblog and/or comment with your own ideas. Thank you and may you have a great day/night!

#bucchigiri?!#revolutionary girl utena #bucchigiri #rgu spoilers #akutaro shindo #kyouichi saionji #touga kiryuu #kenichirou douman #toxic masculinity #gender norms #analysis #long post #eddy's posts #minato kai #sigma squad #ng boys

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physalian · 1 year ago

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Character Descriptions 101 (Or, the ugly truth about what really matters)

A lot of the appeal of being able to write your own book is being able to take all the characters you dream about and put them onto paper for everyone else to drool over as much as you do. You might create a character so iconic, they can be recognized by their hazy silhouette alone.

Not everyone designs Sherlock Holmes, though.

Not everyone needs to be Sherlock Holmes.

How well you describe your characters, especially your protagonist/opening narrator, says a lot more than you’d probably like about your experience as an author. I’ve got eight years of practice with my own works, twelve if you include my early days of fanfic – and resisting the urge to describe characters in the tried and true clichés is still hard.

So here’s the ugly truth about describing your characters, and some other pointers curated from the Internet you may have seen before.

At the end of the day, what is really important?

Unless you are writing in the genres of fantasy or sci-fi, or you aren’t writing humans, your character will likely be a very average looking human. Doesn’t matter if you think your special bean’s black hair/blue eye/snow white skin combo is unique – is the shape of his face, curve of his lips, how wide his shoulders are really that important outside of, I don’t know, a steamy romance novel?

I ask this because character descriptions fall into three camps: Thematically important beats, thematically unimportant beats, and “oh damn I have too many blondes, uh, here’s a redhead” beats.

I ask this, because “this character doesn’t look like they did in the book” arguments will never stop happening and we all have our sides on what matters and what doesn’t.

These details can be height, hair color, eye color, skin color, hair style, clothing, tone of voice, accent, birthmarks, scars, and tattoos, and anything in between. Sometimes, this trait is this person’s defining trait. Sometimes, the author just felt like it – sometimes the curtains are just blue.

But sometimes, a lot of times, they’re not.

My two cents: If that piece of their design is thematically important, the adaptation should respect it and include it. If it’s not, who cares?

Thematic Character Design

Thematic character design is the intent behind the choices the author makes when deciding how they will present their character to the world. This is *why* the character looks the way they do.

Visually, you see this in anime all the time. Crazy hair colors and styles help distinguish the cast when their faces might otherwise be too similar, or when drawing them from a distance. Sometimes the protagonist will have the most unique, or the loudest hair style (think Yu-gi-oh). Or the Important Lady Character will have pink hair. Or the sad angsty anime boy will have white hair (see my post about color in fiction).

In the written medium, you can “show don’t tell” a few different ways cliché ways:

Give the villain a facial scar

Make your femme fatale a redhead

Make your hero blonde/blue-eyed

But hey, they’re tropes for a reason, everyone knows what you mean when you write them. You might give your character green eyes like their mother, a trait Very Important when a redeemed-ish villain dies. You might give your character a brunette French braid that goes on to become the style of the rebellion. You might make your Illegal Divine Children the only three black-haired major characters in a sea of brown and blonde because they are the Three Illegal Divine Children. You make all your grisled fantasy men have beards and your elves clean shaven.

The existence of these traits serve the plot and the themes of the story. It matters because these traits make them look like the villain, or the dead legacy they must live up to. These traits ostracize them from their community, or help define their culture. These traits are the hallmark of a chosen one, or a pariah. These traits are emblematic of a special power or handicap, religion, faction, rebel cause.

These are the details fans complain about when adaptations get it wrong, and it’s not without merit. But what happens when those details aren’t all that important, no matter how much you think otherwise?

Unthematic character design

Everyone lost their minds when Hunger Games was being adapted and to everyone’s unnecessary horror, Jennifer Lawrence is blonde. Everyone got mad because it’s the little details you have to get right, otherwise you’re disrespecting the source material, yada yada. Is it really so hard to wear a wig, if you can’t get this tiny thing right, what else will you mess up, etc.

Question: Was the color of her hair more important, or the style that it was in?

She dyed it anyway to stay faithful, but which detail mattered to the plot, versus just being what the author picked for her?

Dare I wade into the “this character was white in the book” cesspool? Reluctantly, yes. And all I will say is this: Does their skin color serve any legitimate purpose to the plot or how they define themselves? No? Then shush and let the actors do their thing.

… But what if race *does* matter?

Is this a slice of life novel about some plucky high schoolers in your average American town? If the story isn’t any deeper than prom dates and football games, the skin color of your character is not important. Is this a treatise on segregation and the struggles of womanhood in repressed societies? Then yeah, the skin color of your character might affect their outlook on life a little bit.

In other words: Does your character care what they look like, and does their appearance affect the trajectory of the story?

Yes, it’s disappointing when you see your favorite character on screen and have to be told that’s them because it just doesn’t look like them. But what’s important is if they fit the spirit of the character, even if they don’t quite match their looks (a lesson I, too, need constant reminding of).

Character Descriptions in Fantasy and Sci-Fi

If making sure the adaptation stays faithful to the character design matters anywhere, it’s in these two genres. Why? Because you have free reign as an author to describe your mythic creatures, your aliens, your supernatural entities however you choose, and you worked hard trying to make them distinct from every other fantasy series out there.

But hold your horses on how specific you get.

Generally speaking, the traits that most authors describe first are hair, eye, and skin color, because it’s the easiest to get out of the way and everyone knows what humans look like to fill in the blanks. When you enter the realm of non-human characters, you have a lot more legwork to do to make sure your audience imagines what you want them to.

Maybe they have slit pupils like a housecat or a snake, or they have really floppy elephant ears, or they have antennae that twitch when they’re angry, or they have wings like a bat, a bird, a dragonfly. Or they have distinctive tattoos from their tribe. They have scales or feathers or fur and you want everyone to know how fluffy it is. You want your audience to know how tall they are, how heavy, how lanky, how robust. The shape of their face, their hands, if they have fingers like a pianist or a catcher’s glove.

Or, it matters because you’ve written an allegory on race, class, colonialism/imperialism, a World War, Apartheid, what have you, and your made-up nationalities need their own traits to be bigots about.

Answer: Hire a sensitivity reader before you design an insulting stereotype.

Otherwise, feel free to add as much fluff as you’d like. You go out there and you give exact measurements, constant similes about the textures of their skin, write an essay on cultural wardrobe, take two paragraphs to describe that ballgown and masquerade mask… and accept the fact that your readers will happily go SKIP!

Because description and exposition are also entwined with tone and the purpose of the story. I am writing an 18th century royal ball scene in a steamy romance novel and my hero is about to get her man – my audience might care about things like a sweetheart neckline, perfume, what kind of flowers are in the lacework, how it hugs her body, how the pink looks so damn sexy in the candlelight, how the skirts sweep so elegantly, every piece of jewelry she's wearing and how expensive it is and exactly how she did her hair.

Or, I am writing a fantasy adventure that happens to feature a pitstop at a royal ball – Your audience does not give one flying f*ck about what flowers are on that dress. Describe the color and something cool and eye-catching and move on.

The Ugly Truth: Does. It. Matter?

You can wax poetic about the minutiae of your absolutely unique and like no other fairies no one else has ever written before. Maybe you designed them less like Tinker Bell and more like anthropomorphised flowers – that matters!

You want your hot love interest to have a cupid’s bow and to remind the audience of that detail at least four times throughout the narrative? Not important unless the narrator is weirdly obsessive over it (or, again, romance/erotica).

The same thing goes for fantastical settings.

At what point are you describing the color of the grass, the kind of marble in the walls and floors, the exact shade of blue paint they used, the gables and the roofing tiles and the scalloping on the columns to unnecessary ends?

This also affects pacing.

If your entire story is set in a beautiful castle and the heroes never leave? Describe as much as your little heart desires. Is it just a pit stop on the way? Call it a castle, maybe it’s in ruins, give one uniquely defining trait that’s thematically relevant, and move on.

Side characters too: If you don’t even bother naming the poor schmuck, give their gender and maybe one fun fact and move on.

You’d be surprised how little character descriptions, or lack thereof, are even noticed. The amount of fanart head-cannoning a character being Not-White because the author technically never clarified is everywhere. I just reread the first two PJO books and Chiron’s human half is never described beyond his age and his beard. Everyone who read it filled in the missing details with what they wanted or expected to see and that doesn’t impact his character one bit.

Pacing your descriptions

See this post about how to pace your narrative.

Everyone knows the trope of the narrator waking up, gazing into a mirror and describing themselves to the audience. It’s cheap, it’s fast, it’s dirty, it’s effective.

So why do people hate it?

I think it’s less because it’s overdone, and more because it’s robbed of potential. When I wrote about pacing, I said every scene should be pulling double duty – character descriptions fall under exposition, and should do the same.

If you really want to have your hero describe herself to you via mirror, don’t just write a textbook, give it flavor. Is she self-conscious about her looks, saying she has choppy blonde hair but wishes it was some long, luxurious brown like some girl she’s jealous of? Does she have a big nose and wish it was smaller because she’s bullied? Or, does she love her green eyes, because her late father had them and she loves the connection they share?

Good pacing isn’t about how many or how few words you take to describe something, it’s how efficiently you use those words. Short doesn’t always mean it’s bland, long doesn’t always mean it’s profound. Don’t take 300 words to say something that could be said in 30 – but some things do deserve 300 words.

Examples:

A: She woke and rolled out of bed and stared at herself in the mirror. She had hazel eyes and blonde, curly hair that she pulled up into a ponytail.

B: She woke on the third alarm and rolled out of bed. Staring back at her in her vanity were tired hazel eyes beneath a mop of dishwater blonde curls and crease marks from her pillow.

C: She woke on the third alarm and dragged herself out of bed. Her vanity mirror glared back at her – a rats nest of dishwater blonde and crease marks from her pillow. She scowled and rubbed the sleep from her hazel eyes and raked her curls up into a messy ponytail to be dealt with after coffee.

Or, go even longer, really weave those details into the action of the scene, I didn’t here because this is a blog, not a book.

No matter what, best practice is to not infodump the description, spread it out – another criticism of the mirror trope. There is no one size fits all for any writing advice but if you’re spending more than four consecutive sentences describing a single character, object, or building, break that hot pile of exposition up and look how much better it reads.

Similes for describing your character, like any comparison, should serve a purpose. Think about describing an intimidating queen with snow white skin versus bone white skin – what vibes do you get from one simple word change?

You have a long time to describe your narrator, it’s okay if we don’t know what they look like on the first page. Give the details as they become relevant. If you open en media res and the hero is in a nasty fight scene – describe their hair as it flops in their eyes, describe their skin as it’s covered in sweat or scratches or bullet holes, describe their eyes as they patch themselves up and one is now black and blue – or describe their color full of fear, hate, malice, grief.

Describe them against another character so you get two birds with one stone. Whether the narrator is jealous of, attracted to, or appreciative of their fellow character’s appearance. Describe them self-conscious about trying to impress a crush, their spouse, a superior, interviewer, parent, the public, the press. Or describe them unhappy about how they’re being forced to look compared to how they usually are, e.g. a school uniform, prisoner’s uniform, fancy dress/suit, skimpy undercover costume, bargain bin, ugly hand-me-downs, holiday costume, sleepwear, full face of makeup, or no makeup.

All of these are motivated details that will read better than halting the narration to drop textbook lines of exposition.

Lastly, do not let your characters get side-tracked describing themselves when they have more important and prescient concerns. In the above hypothetical fight scene, a “she swept her blonde hair from her eyes and got back to her feet,” is going to read smoother than “she swept her blonde hair aside. It was short and choppy, cheap highlights fading and flyaways tickling her face. She got back to her feet.”

And even then, personally, I think this reads better still: “She swept her hair from her face and got back to her feet, sweaty blonde tangles stuck to her skin.”

Have intent, make it motivated, and the less it feels like awkward exposition.

Pitfalls to avoid

Full disclosure, I am white, from a long line of the whitest white Europeans. I do not write a pasty white cast of characters. Boy, was it an eye-opening experience realizing how harmful my earlier descriptions used to be, just from the books I grew up reading and through no ill-intent of my own.

So another detail in the realm of “does it really matter”: Not all brown skin is the same shade of brown, but resist the urge to compare it to any flavor of food or chocolate. I just reread a favorite kids’ book of mine and saw “chocolate milk” and as a kid, I never noticed or cared, but you bet I zeroed in on that little beat as an adult.

Is this hard? Kind of, yeah. I suppose you could go scorched earth with the food comparisons and describe all your characters in their flavor of milk. Pale skin has a lot of options: Snow, frost, paper, bone, fair, pale, lily, sandy, fawn, etc. and of course, milk, cream and sugar to boot.

The “brown skin like milk chocolate” is tempting, but dehumanizing particularly when only brown characters are described with food. Decide if the exact shade of brown is important, then get respectfully creative with the comparisons. The same goes with hair styles and textures.

Related to skin color: Be careful with what idioms and metaphors you use when describing characters who aren’t supposed to be white, doing things only possible or noticeable with light skin.

A certain famous author really tried to tell the world Hermione wasn’t *technically* white and the HP fans went and pulled page numbers proving that she has to be based on the behavior of her skin.

I’ve caught myself (and had to be told) a few times describing a not-white character “white-knuckling” something as shorthand for being stressed and tense. Faces blanching, paling, reddening, blushing, turning green, looking sun-burnt and bruised and scarred all look different depending on how dark their pigment is.

I am not at all an expert on what you *should* do for non-white characters so I will say this once again: Do your research and get a small army of sensitivity readers. Even if you don’t think you’re being racist, you might be. Accept the constructive criticism, and change it without complaint. Do not lie down and die on a milk-chocolate hill.

The Beautiful Truth

In the written medium, unless you canonize character art and take no constructive criticism, all your audience has to go on is suggestion. That means that your audience has the freedom to imagine their favorite characters however they want.

That means you get a million variations of the hero in their fan art – that’s amazing! If you never described the protagonist’s skin color? You get an audience that makes him or her or them the hero that they want to see and how you’ve inspired them – that’s amazing!

That’s what I mean when I ask if it really matters. You will always know how your literary darlings look. Is it more important that everyone else draws a million different paintings in their mind of the exact same face like a photocopier, or that you now have an audience giving you a million unique paintings of your life’s work immortalized in the grand literary canon?

#writing advice #character design #character development #exposition #writing resources #writing tools #writing

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chaifootsteps · 1 year ago

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It's me, to be named anon! I think I'll go by Stargazer anon, if that's available and okay.

Dear lord, I didn't expect that episode 4 leak at all (though I honestly should've considering Viv's track record). Angel... deserves a better writer and creator. There's a line between putting your characters through pain and misery for the narrative vs doing it for the sake of your fetish. BDSM personally ain't my thing, but I'm pretty sure it's all about consent. Yet like every kink Viv has, consent is practically dubious or non-existent.

I had a friend once ask me if I liked Angel. I didn't answer them because the only thing my brain could come with was "I like his potential." It's a fact that Angel went through a major rewrite from when Viv first conceived him. That's natural, I made big rewrites to several of my OCs as well. However, like many have pointed out, Angel was given too many traits that kinda contradict each other and lose sense of who he is as a character. Michael's Angel was great, it was character who you felt could get redeemed. Actual series Angel? I... don't wanna comment.

Also, why aren't more people irritated with how Alastor uses modern lingo in his song? Look how they massacred my boy. I had a similar issue in the comic where Alastor started swearing because I felt that he should be the exception in the cast. Passive-aggressive at worst since he's a gentleman. At the end, where he starts assuming a more monstrous form like in his comic, it wasn't too impressive - no point in becoming larger if his tiny waist ruins the effect.

Vox, like Adam, was someone I was surprised to like. He was always interesting to me for his design and rivalry with Alastor. I was worried with how they made his relationship with Val in instagram abusive while Velvette is just there. Screw Val, never liked him, thought his design was bad and everyone's reaction here cemented my opinion. That animatic by Raph gave me the shivers for that one Vox scene eugh. Was it necessary to make Val and Vox a thing? I thought it'd be more natural if all three were in a toxic poly relationship (no offense to actual polygamous people, I respect them and think people should be more open-minded about it).

So many massacred boys, so much wasted potential.

#Anonymous #stargazer anon #hazbin hotel critical #viv stuff

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good-beans · 1 year ago

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YES thank you @kyanako5972 for your service 😤👏 (I was actually looping them both for a bit but I keep forgetting to run it lately ah...)

And hehe I have been ✨enabled ✨Have some Triage thoughts, and feel free to add your own!!

Starting off with my main praise of the song: “I want to be Innocent, I want to live.” I know the point of milgram is that all the characters are going to get worse, but I feel like this video is the first t2 song we’ve seen a prisoner get better. (People have talked about his savior complex being an issue but that’s coming after the inno verdict, in Triage he specifically says he never wanted this to be some kind of hostage situation where he has the power to save/kill people.) This is when we can finally see one of our verdicts go right. The others had an issue, or creeping guilt, or uncertainty, but Shidou gets over any uncertainty right then and there – he wants to live again!! In a series so full of death, in which half of the cast makes some reference to suicidal thoughts, plus two victims who did commit suicide, there’s something extremely profound about seeing one of them change their mind onscreen. We hadn’t gotten a moment of healing like that before, and I doubt we’re ever going to get one again.

The moment itself is shown very accurately and beautifully, in my opinion. His expression when he makes his statement about wanting to live is so unique. It’s not a smile, it’s not a grimace, it’s something in between. His voice is strained, but set. He’s not excited about it – when you’re in that mental place, it isn’t a cheery switch to wanting to live, it’s a grit-your-teeth and pick yourself up and make the tough choice. It’ll be so, so hard but by god you have a job to do. It made sense, given all the previous mentions of him helping Fuuta and Mahiru – he had a lot of complicated feelings about being a doctor, but he remembered that saving others really is his purpose in life.

And then the shock factor. Because of that moment and the family reveal, I think this video had the biggest twist of t2. The others had surprises, sure, but they were hinted at in the voice clips and vds, or they just exaggerated things we already knew about the characters. I was completely blindsided by Triage. Everything leading up to it paralleled Shidou with Mahiru, so I thought it was just a lover he’d lost (and maybe someone he’d just met or something). He had his moments with Amane, but I always assumed it was because of her connection to him, not vice versa. I assumed he was just overdramatic and killing people for some lady he’d fallen for, and then decided to take the easy way out and ask for death. So to find out he had a fully established family, wife and two kids??? To see his main character trait from season one was completely reversed??? (but in a way that wasn’t at all forced???)

Now, it’s much easier to make a character unlikable than it is to redeem them. We saw how quickly the fandom turned on certain characters, we felt pangs of horror for many of them. But it’s very difficult to make someone like a character they’d previously despised. Which is why I’m insanely impressed with the way those three minutes could undo months of my hatred toward Shidou, and bring me literally to tears over him. Suddenly his actions weren’t so selfish, as rash. He’s not taking the coward’s way out. He had incredibly good reason to do what he did, and now he’s taking accountability and choosing to face pain in order to atone. I’ll add more in a sec, but it’s not even that the video shows him as this perfect saint. Without holding back on everything he’d done wrong, it conveyed a real, grieving human that really moved me.

Of course the music itself was amazing – Shugo Nakamura sounds incredible. I don’t know too much about actual music structure, but the tone of both Shidou’s songs manages to be so fun and relaxing while simultaneously filling you with that profound sadness. It’s like an embodiment of his peaceful, sad smile. There’s something so human about his voicemail message, and it’s unique hearing different types of speaking parts in a song! But that moment is also foreboding. You wonder why he missed the call, and who’s calling, and you kind of already know, and you hear the three beeps as the line is dead. Then there’s the gut-wrenching return of those sounds, with the added visuals bringing to mind a dying heart?? Insane.

And lastly, the visuals are gorgeous. Bringing back the flower/pomegranate symbolism in a similar but new way was perfect. The bright scenery and picturesque scenes really emphasized how happy he was. The video is so bright. His family is gorgeous, they’re happy. His neighborhood is sunny and warm. His house is comfortable and light. Which meant the dark scenes contrasted perfectly, driving home how jarring his loss was. And despite all the good things I said about him before, the video isn’t actually trying to paint him in an innocent light. There are literal graveyards behind him, showing how much blood is on his hands. The rotting food is such a disgustingly painful way to show what he was doing to people. He handed the tag directly to his son, showing full accountability: he gave his son his fate, he killed him himself. The images seem beautiful at first, especially compared to AKAA’s dark, bloody rooms, Backdraft’s grim tunnel, and INMF’s monstrous bees. But no matter how lovely it looks, it successfully conveys a truly horrendous crime.

In conclusion Shidou my fucking beloved. Go watch Triage again :3

#milgram #shidou kirisaki #i hope you dont mind the tag but ty!#LMAO im so sorry for the ramblings 😅#this video is genuinely so special to me and as always i got carried away talking about it adfsdf #i can admit my initial sympathy to him was biased by being in a tight mental spot right when it came out #so to hear him speak those lines actually made me cry oops #but even being distanced from that mental state i have such a strong appreciation for the whole thing #although i might call some other songs my favorites no other video had such an effect on me #i sat down and immediately wrote a fic about it #then i wrote (and sang??) translyrics to it that im still really proud of #and it can still get me really emotional no matter how many bazillion times ive listened throughout the months #just an amazing mv #rose posts

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mayorwhiskers2 · 5 months ago

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Sims Scrapbook Goth

The Goth house, willow creek: Father Mortimer, Mother Bella, teen daughter Cassandra, child son Alexander.

Bio: The Goths are an aristocratic family with a dreary aura. Between Mortimer writing macabre stories and Bella's mysterious disappearances will Cassandra and Alexander grow up to be gloomy, too?

Bella and Mortimer are preparing for their traditional Spooky Day dinner party! Guests are invited, and the caterer booked! But first- Mortimer passes out candy to ticker treaters… yes teen ones too! Silver medal on the party, they dined together, danced, listened to Cassandra play piano, and sang together. Mortimer was a little slow in serving drinks, but maybe next time the Goths can redeem themselves and earn gold.

Cassandra Goth loves classical music, and plays piano, she is also working on her violin… that has a way to go yet. Alexander finds nothing more fun than books and responsibility. They’re good kids, but should they have some friends?

Cassandra started a good friendship with Molly Prescott, and together they snuck out to the hidden pet cemetery on Deadgrass Island one night. They didn’t find any ghost pets but they did bond and even build a snowman together- marking the first snowy night in winter.

Alexander looks up to his dad, Mortimer, who has gained three levels in parenting and forged a supportive bond with his son. Alexander is working on getting all his manners in the green before he eventually ages up. Two days away-

Bella used asp perks to gain the observant trait, hopefully it will help with her secret agent career. She’s been having nightmares about abductions again.

Mortimer got promoted at work… maybe now he’ll have the confidence to start writing his book.

-Cameo of Molly Prescott (Friend of Cassandra)

-Several cameos in their dinner party. Do you see Don?

-This family was originally remade by kawaiibambifawn, I enjoyed playing them.

#sims4scrapbook #ts4 #the sims 4 #ts4 gameplay #sims 4 #sims 4 gameplay #the goth family #sims 4 goth #sims goth #bella goth #mortimer goth #cassandra goth #alexander goth #sims 4 aliens

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asharaks · 10 months ago

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🤍💜🍭

forrrrrrrr tiawyll anddd falynastarion anddddd shadowheartraz :3

🍭 What's something they can never agree on (big or small)?

falynastarion: there's a lot of little things; they have very different outlooks, and different day-to-day priorities. what i'm saying here is about three times a week they have a row about some petty bullshit (astarion took too long to get ready; falyn tracked mud through the house)

tiawyll: tia will never fully forgive themself for their role in the absolute plan; they have reservations about their 'atonement' and how redeemable they are, which do differ from wyll's feelings😔

shadowraz: i think there are differences in the ways they worship: this won't be a big deal until later in their story, but raz (being the direct child of bhaal rather than simply chosen for his particular devotion) takes a lot more liberties with his interpretations of what it means to be Chosen, something shadowheart takes very very seriously, and something that will increasingly cause friction between them

💜 How do they silently show love or affection towards the other?

falynstarion: she likes being near him, physically; not sex, just sleeping nearby, keeping him in sight, Being Around Him; he, at least later in the relationship, has to learn to be quite direct about what he needs/wants from her, which is kind of a struggle for him but I think a thing he does try to do :3

tiawyll: tia will always always check on wyll first after a fight, before anything else; they heal him, obviously, and gradually learn to be more physically affectionate than they're used to, and they start to branch out into trying new things with his encouragement, which they'd never do on their own. wyll is pretty openly affectionate, but I think he develops a really strong sense for when they're overwhelmed or distressed and gets very good at defusing/getting them out of situations without drawing attention to the fact that's what he's doing

shadowraz: i think there are a lot of Meaningful Looks - neither of them are super verbal people, and they both get good at expressing a lot through looks; raz is also a secret gift giver and will leave little things around for shadowheart to find and then pretend he didn't<3

🤍 What is their favorite or most admired quality in the other?

falynstarion: survival. both of them recognise the other's survival drive, and while it's not necessarily a positive trait for them both all the time, it's something they both value highly in themselves and each other, and drives them to a borderline codependent level of loyalty

tiawyll: for tia, it's wyll's sense of justice; he's willing to reassess and change his mind in context, but he knows what he believes and he does stick to it, even to his own detriment. for wyll, it's tia's resilience: they've survived some insane shit, sacrificed an incredible amount for their beliefs, and they've pulled through

shadowraz: for shadowheart, it's raz's intensity: he's pretty single-minded a lot of the time and as someone who's spent her whole life working to a single goal, she recognises and likes that. for raz, it's her devotion, the strength of her belief and her willingness to sacrifice for it.

#got long bc i can't shut up #my babies. this was so hard my brain does Not work #razakh #tiavyn #falyn #ikarons #MWAH

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mojaves · 1 year ago

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🎶 🚫♥️🤍💔 for alex ?? :^)

🎶 MUSICAL NOTES — what type of music does your oc like? do they listen to music very often?

he's too busy being dead and annoying to listen to music very often but when he does, it's usually very high energy. something he can play Super loud to drown out every other noise in existence. his favourite band is limp b*zkit. so. do with that information what you will

🚫 PROHIBITED — does your oc drink/smoke? do they do it regularly, or is it more on occasion or for special events?

oh of course. all the time. he's essentially just a reanimated corpse so it's not like it can do any extra damage to him. prefers cocktails over anything else. the fancier and more expensive the better. and he will pay for them with whatever money he found on the last dead body he had to deal with that day. cigs are fine. they keep his hands busy. he'll still go through a pack a day but theyre like. whatever to him. it's just like chewing gum for him.

❤️ RED HEART — what are three of your oc's positive traits?

this is very funny bc he is an asshole. which is a good part of why he's dead to begin with. but theres. theres little cracks showing. theres some. redeeming qualities in there. he is VERY caring and protective over the people he loves - he wouldnt ever admit that he even likes them honestly. but like. you can see it. why else would you be spending time with them and having fun and laughing. dumbass. and he has a nice smile. does that count.

🤍 WHITE HEART — what are three of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?

the alcohol consumption. why are you drinking so much buddy. it doesnt do anything for you. you cant get drunk. are you still hoping it'll happen one day so that you can finally forget everything. it wont. go and drink some juice.

aloof. not the kind of attitude you want from a guy who is supposed to be guiding you through the steps between life and death. he doesnt want to be there. you should've died when he was busy with something else.

impulsive. the whole Being Dead thing really. did a number on him with this one. like. 'dont do that it could kill you' is no longer an effective deterrent. nothing is. he'll do whatever. do you think he cares. he doesnt. [he does. deep down. somewhere.] [maybe]

💔 BROKEN HEART — what are three of your oc's negative traits?

abrasive. cold. distant. everyone he meets is gonna be gone soon anyway so 'why bother being nice'. [they chose the wrong man for the job]

and also the worlds most stubborn man. you cannot tell him what to do or force him to change his ways. dying hasnt made him change yet. if anything it just made him worse. please for the love of god someone help him.

#basically. Basically. he's an asshole. he died. he came back to life. and then as part of the deal of keeping him alive he had to guide #people through to the afterlife. but he got bored of that after a while. befriended someone who had a near death experience [ryan]#and now theyre causing so many problems together [:#oc alex #he's a horrible person i need to kiss him on the lips

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erigold13261 · 2 years ago

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I see a trait among your NSR parents which are, 1. Irredeemable even with chances. 2. Redeemable with outside intervention. 3. No need for redeeming. Which parents can be sorted into which categories?

Doesn't those three categories encompass all parents? lol

But sure! I'll try and give answers for parents I have! Though some will be vague or will change in the future as I don't have everyone fleshed out entirely.

Also, these are kinda subjective obviously, because some people would see an action as irredeemable while someone else might see how a person grew and said they were redeemed (mainly looking at Martha when saying this).

1). So first off is irredeemable parents even if given chances:

I would say that the only one I can truly think of would be Matvey right now. Though I guess Tila and Sofa's parents can go in this category because they are people who will outright refuse to change on their beliefs at all.

Oh yeah, Joust's parents, or at the very least his father, would also be in this category. Maybe Rei's parents too, I don't think they were okay with him being trans and probably kicked him out, but at least they were never abusive to him.

2). Redeemable with outside intervention (Or have already changed):

Obviously this on goes to Neon's parents right off the bat. They were horrible but once they lost their first son they wanted to change and later actually took the actions to change.

Neon J himself would also be in this list, as he has done some shitty things as a parent (both when he was with Martha and later with 1010), but has taken the steps to be a better parent. Martha is here too as she has grown from the person she was when Aria and 1010 were young. She isn't fully redeemed, and Purl would see her as irredeemable, but she is a better person.

Dodo's parents along with Remi and Eve's father would be here (maybe Remi's mom too). These parents were all pretty bad at some point, or were thinking of doing some awful stuff to their kids and decided not to do/continue those actions. They have learned and tried to grow from their past actions and make up for anything they may have done or tried to do.

Mama is in the category, kinda. She has done some pretty messed up stuff to Yinu, but to her it was truly out of love, like Sofa's parents thought they were doing. The difference though is Mama ended up realizing she was hurting her kid and decided to change how she acted. Sofa's parents deny their actions and actually double down.

Finally, I think Quida and Elivy's parents might be in this category? I'm not sure though. I am torn between the parents being actually good but strict and Quida and Elivy just being unappreciative or actually hateful to their parents for no reason, or having them be controlling and Quida and Elivy having reasons to push away from them. I am leaning more towards them being controlling though.

3). Parents who don't need to be redeemed:

DJSS, Papa, Mama, Cyril, Asa, Martha, and Myster Man all had perfectly fine parents (not perfect but did their best for their kids).

Tatiana, West, and Zuke's moms were great people too (Zuke and West lost their father young but he was a pretty good guy).

As parents, Quida and Elivy are fine. Elivy does the best for his kid he adopted with his husband. Quida, though she was very young when she had her kid, she did her best. Once her kid grew up and had a child she died though, so Quida is also a grandparent raising a kid. She is a better grandparent but that's just because no one is perfect raising their first kid.

And finally Mayday's parents. There is no way to really tell if there would have been good or bad parents. For the time they were alive they were doing pretty good.

I think that's everyone, or at least the ones I can think of! I haven't thought of many NPC's parents so things like Yiruk or Celine's parents are unknown to me right now.

#nsr #eritalks #noart #asks #i probably missed someone #oh well

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yeschefthankyouchef · 1 year ago

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the snippet you posted of the new chapter has spurred me into a reread and this made me realize that i never made any unsolicited commentary on this chapter? this is a great injustice and i must right this wrong immediately. plus my ocd is going bonkers knowing that i’ve talked your ear off about every chapter except for this one but that’s beside the point.

“Enter Donna Berzatto, a woman who came to feel like a second mom to you.”

one thing that has always struck me as interesting in this story is the way that you’ve portrayed donna - it’s still very true to the source material but you don’t paint her out to be this absolute villain with no redeeming qualities. you made her three dimensional and gave her some humanity without excusing her horrific behavior, it’s a really delicate balance that i feel i rarely see. it’s a nice change of pace and a unique take on such a loaded character.

“You weren’t just friends at his house, but you were school friends, you were everywhere friends.”

on both my initial and my reread i’ve loved this line, it’s just so cute and holds some childlike innocence in it. everywhere friends is just such a wholesome term of endearment.

“Include the fact that you had been neighbors practically your whole lives and never once taken an interest in each other aside from shy waves and curious childlike staring when either of you would be outside.”

another line i find absolutely adorable and human - i can picture this so clearly and i just love the visual.

“I know you didn’t come all this way just to stand outside staring at my family home like a fucking weirdo Baby.”

god i miss him - the biggest barby shipper of them all. i just know he’s kickin it in heaven fucking screaming at present day carmy for being such a stupid idiot, much like i also do😌

“Let Carmy be fucking wonder boy Carmy a’ight.”

how could i forget about this absolute gem of a line?! will be referring to carmy solely as wonder boy from here on out.

“This hug felt heavier, like there were things Mikey wanted to tell you but couldn’t, things he only felt he could convey through a hug, things you weren’t sure if you wanted to question or not.”

goddamnit this hurts something fierce - why am i putting myself through this again?

“Richie jutted his head in the direction of the front door, “Outside talking to Baby.”

i love that richie just dropped this on him so casually - it’s so on brand. i also love how jealous wonder boy gets about baby and mikey as if he didnt ghost her. truly some top shelf angst in this one.

“all anyone wanted from the youngest Berzatto was a visit”

that hurted

“Get a load of these fucking losers hugging on the porch like they’re in some fucking Hallmark movie or some shit.”

this is so funny to me simply because it holds the implication that richie watches hallmark movie which actually is 100% canon to me now and if anyone disagrees don’t tell me i’m sensitive

“A’ight fuckers you can all stop pretending you care so much about Carmy and his little rat in the chef hat bullshit. We got the real deal here now, Baby's gracing us with her journalist presence.”

your honor i LOVE HIMMMMMMMMM but also i can’t stop picturing carmy as the rat in the chef hat and not the chef with the rat in his hat

“Maybe the life where it was you and Carmy had finally taken its last breath and you were just too clingy and desperate to realize.”

this is more brutal than i recall but damn do i love the hurt! torn between basking in all the pain that is this life of barby and wanting to read about the life where they worked out and love eachother and have no problems ever😔 too bad carmy is emotionally stunted😔 but i also also a broken man it’s my toxic trait😔

“The first positive emotion he granted you since you walked back into his life 30 minutes ago.”

the wording here is absolutely everything to me. the use of ‘granted’ drives the knife in deeper and you come in with the kill of how short term you’ve been back in his life. it just is really the perfect close to the perfect beginning.

chapter one | a berzatto family christmas

masterlist | next chapter ↣

pairing(s): carmen berzatto x fem!reader : platonic!michael berzatto x fem!reader : platonic!richie jerimovich x fem!reader

summary: you reunite with carmy years later at the berzatto family christmas party.

warnings: language (cursing), blasphemy, angst (maybe?), spoilers kinda (if you haven't seen season 2 don't read), the berzatto family, not dialogue heavy, very subtle hints to mikey being suicidal, probably ooc!characters, idk what else but if you find something let me know please! not beta’d and minimal editing so sorry for any mistakes. i also wrote this overstimulated on caffeine so if it doesn’t make sense or it’s repetitive then we know why : )

semantics: no use of Y/N: reader goes by the nickname Baby it has a backstory and its literally so simple, if this bothers you idk what to tell you, sorry : (

wc: 4.7k

You were standing on the sidewalk, nerves filling your body as you hyped yourself up to take the few steps left to the porch and ring the doorbell. You shouldn’t have been so nervous, you knew that but your mind was spinning with the myriad of scenarios both good and bad; that could play out once you stepped foot past the threshold. In all honesty, it wasn’t so much that you were nervous to enter the house itself, it was the fact that you’d be face to face with your childhood best friend for the first time in you didn’t even know how long. Maybe childhood best friend was a stretch you had only been introduced into each other's lives due to circumstance, and because of that forced proximity, you both took comfort in having someone stable around.

The two of you weren’t friends because you had chosen each other, or because you had met in kindergarten and shared toys in the sandbox because the other kids were stingy. No, you met because as a single mom, your mother needed all the shifts she could get even if that meant working the graveyard shift at the hospital, and only seeing you a handful of hours throughout the day because most times she was too dead on her feet to be conscious for more than a few hours. And when she could no longer pay the babysitter her next best option was the eccentric woman across the street who had children close in age with you.

Enter Donna Berzatto, a woman who came to feel like a second mom to you. It's not that she replaced your mom, no one could ever replace her, but she was the only real mother figure you knew for a time in your life. Who took you in as her own when your mother needed a new babysitter, and not just you but integrated your mom into the family as well, when she was spared the time off from nursing. Donna Berzatto who never sent you home empty-handed, and always made enough food for you and your mom to last throughout the week, just so your mother wouldn’t have to worry about fitting grocery shopping into her already hectic schedule. Donna Berzatto who, even when you were old enough to no longer need a babysitter, would send Carmy across the street to fetch you for family dinner, or even just invite you over because she thought you needed company.

Now that you were thinking about it, it seemed like you were more friends with his mom than you ever were with Carmen Berzatto. But then that would be a lie wouldn’t it?

You and Carmen Berzatto were friends due to circumstance, maybe even best friends. You weren’t just friends at his house, but you were school friends, you were everywhere friends. He really was your only true friend, of course, you had school friends, but that’s just what they were. You saw them Monday through Friday for a mandatory education, never an hour before school started or a minute after the final bell. Which didn’t necessarily bother you, but sometimes you longed for a weekend invitation to hang out, not that it ever came. And it wasn’t like you were shunned or unpopular in school, you were just average, you didn’t see a point in making friends with people you weren’t actually interested in befriending.

That’s what made Carmy so different, yes maybe you were only introduced due to circumstances but that didn’t stop the two of you from latching onto each other for dear life. Your mom always wondered how you two even established the friendship you did, with both of you being shy and never feeling the need to go out of your way to make friends. Include the fact that you had been neighbors practically your whole lives and never once taken an interest in each other aside from shy waves and curious childlike staring when either of you would be outside.

Your relationship with Carmen progressed as any childlike relationship would, you befriended each other, had your incessant petty arguments and fights, nothing ever serious enough to actually cause damage just childish antics. And it continued to progress through middle school and high school, the two of you were each other’s person, you just understood each other, the two of you let the other understand you, and wanted to be understood by each other.

You could also recall what you explain as a minute change in your friendship. As Senior year approached and you and Carmy continued to grow into yourselves, you developed a slight crush on the boy you had grown up with. It obviously wasn’t as small as you thought it was if you were standing in front of his childhood home giving yourself a pep talk just to ring the damn doorbell though was it?

The unsolicited card and wrapped present weighed heavy in your tote bag, as your breath was made visible by the chilly Chicago weather.

It was Christmas and for all intents and purposes you had been planning on mailing the present to Carmen’s New York address, but after visiting The Beef on your way back into town Mikey and Richie had let it slip that indeed the infamous Berzatto sibling would be gracing everyone with his presence this holiday season.

It was moments like these you wished you had picked up on the Berzatto family’s horrible smoking habit, thankfully your mom had taught you just how vital having functioning lungs was.

Your head shot up as the sound of loud rambunctious voices drew your attention to the front door opening and closing revealing a face you were all too familiar with and actually relieved to see. The oldest Berzatto brother stood on the porch, hands on his hips as he gave you a goofy smile. You could feel your lips stretching into a smile of your own, the infectious aura that Michael Berzatto exuded doing wonders to calm your racing mind.

“I know you didn’t come all this way just to stand outside staring at my family home like a fucking weirdo Baby.” Mikey’s smile grew in size as he teased you.

You rolled your eyes at the childhood nickname you wish hadn’t stuck as Mikey opened his arms to wrap you in one of his signature hugs. The two of you stood on the porch embracing each other for what felt like hours, you needed this hug as much as he needed it, you knew it and Mikey did too. That was the thing about you and Mikey although not blood-related it was as if your souls knew each other in a past life. Of the Berzatto siblings, Mikey was the last sibling you developed a relationship with. Growing up he was always just Carmy’s older brother but as you grew up surrounded by him, he became your surrogate older brother as well. And when Carmy dashed off to pursue his culinary dreams in New York, you and Mikey grew even closer.

You stepped back from the embrace, your eyes finding Mikey’s as he looked at you with a knowing glint in his eyes. “You not standing out here cause of a certain Chef in that house are ya?” Mikey asked, smirking down at you.

You chuckled “The only reason I come around anymore is for Mama Donna.” You joked doing a poor job to convince Mikey.

He nodded, tossing his head back with a laugh, “You were always a shit liar Baby. Carmy’s an idiot, don't let him ruin your Christmas.”

You let out a sigh head resting against Mikey’s chest as you tried to let his words soothe you even more, “He’s not ruining it, you just know things have been kind of stilted between us, and I don’t know this whole situation just feels awkward.”

You raised your head to look at Mikey again, “It’s awkward right? Am I making things awkward? I don’t wanna ruin Christmas Mikey, I know how your mom is and I know how Carmy is, I don’t wanna ambush him.”

The worry in your voice was evident as Mikey stood there listening to your ranting. His hand reached out as he used his thumb to massage away the frown between your eyebrows. “Calm down Baby, you know Ma is expecting you, and she wouldn’t take it well if you missed Christmas. She looks forward to seeing you every year, you give her a piece of Carmy when he can’t be fucking asked to come home and visit.” His hand moved down to cup the side of your neck rubbing soothing circles where his thumb rested, “Do it for Ma okay? Let Carmy be fucking wonder boy Carmy a’ight.”

You laughed nodding your head as best as you could with Mikey’s hand holding it, he smiled giving you one last hug before dropping his hand to grab your wrist and tug you into the house. You stopped him by placing a hand on his arm that was connected to yours.

“Hold on Mikey, I got you something.” You moved to start rummaging through your tote bag stalling because you were too nervous for his reaction to the present.

“Awe you didn’t have to get me nothing.” You turned back to him with the present in your hands as he held his own hands over his heart mockingly. You knew Mikey didn’t do well when it came to sentimental things and the best you would get out of him was a joke as opposed to anything else.

You laughed holding the rectangular wrapped present out to him, “I wanted to Mikey, don’t think of this as a gift, think of it uhh…as a show of appreciation yeah?” You nodded feeling your face heat up as you dropped your head so he couldn’t see how unsure you were about the gift.

He smiled, finding your shyness endearing before tearing into the neatly wrapped paper and revealing a frame, his hands engulfing it from end to end. He smiled looking at it before you saw confusion etch across his face, “This is great Baby, yeah but uh what the fuck am I looking at?”

You shove his shoulder before laughing at him and grabbing the frame out of his hands but holding it in front of your chest so he could still see its contents, “It's a trademark certification you dumbass, can’t you fucking read Mikey.” You joked to try and underestimate how big of a gift this was.

Mikey’s brows furrowed before he snatched the frame out of your hands to get a better look at the certificate sitting behind the glass, eyes snapping back up to your face with a look you couldn’t read. You shuffled your feet feeling like you overstepped a boundary you didn’t even know was between you and Mikey, “Don’t worry though I-I, put it in your name, it’s not like I trademarked it for myself or anything. I just know how much this means to you and I, I know shit has been tough lately and I’m sorry if you feel like I stepped on your toes but…Mikey, you deserve good things too okay?” You hadn’t meant to go on a rant, but you could feel the apprehension leaving you as you became passionate in every word you spoke.

“You deserve to be fucking happy Mikey, and I, I want you to know I fucking believe in you and I’m always in your corner. If it's-” You were cut off by Mikey clearing his throat, causing your eyes to snap back up to his, all the emotions he didn’t know how to translate into words swirling in his brown eyes, a small smile resting on his lips.

“Mikey-,” Before you could get another word out you were once again trapped in his comforting embrace, this hug conveying something completely different from the earlier one you shared. Mikey’s head tucked into your neck as you felt his uneasy breathing through your hands clutched around him. Mikey wasn’t the type to get emotional in front of other people, and feeling a tear of his smear against your cheek as he raised his head from your neck and settled his bearded cheek against yours, you weren’t sure if you had done the right thing by giving him the gift or not.

The two of you stood in silence as you allowed Mikey his moment, not wanting to make him feel insecure about you being present while he was being emotional. When he finally pulled away you could see the leftover sheen in his eyes. He tucked the framed certificate under his arm as both his hands reached up to grab your face in both of his hands, eyes finding yours, a whispered “thank you, baby,” leaving his lips as he placed a kiss on your forehead before he grabbed the frame again and wrapped you in another hug.

His head rested atop yours as your face rested against his chest, ear pressed against his beating heart. You lied, you thought the last hug was different, but no it was this hug that was different, while the second hug you shared in the span of 20 minutes was a hug of love and gratitude. This hug felt heavier, like there were things Mikey wanted to tell you but couldn’t, things he only felt he could convey through a hug, things you weren’t sure if you wanted to question or not.

It had been almost 20 minutes since Michael had escaped the house to do whatever the fuck it was he was doing outside. Carmy didn’t know and in all honesty he didn’t actually give a shit either, too busy helping Donna out in the kitchen to try to give any thoughts to whatever had grabbed Mikey’s attention.

He was focused in the corner of the kitchen making Tiff Sprite to help alleviate her nausea symptoms. Anyone else would have done their best to block out the rambunctious noises going on throughout the house, not Carmy though, the chaos fueled him, it grounded him. If the house was quiet it would have been too much for him, to be alone with his own thoughts ping-ponging around in his head, waiting for a chance to drown him. So if he had to listen to his mom list a plethora of things he needed to make sure happened for Christmas dinner to go off without a hitch while he was making Sprite from scratch, he welcomed it.

He finished his concoction just in time for Richie to walk through the kitchen, the older man trying to figure out how the fuck it was even possible to make Sprite from scratch. Gratefully taking the glass Carmy had offered to him, marveling at the carbonated drink in his hand.

Carmy nodded in his direction, “Yo Cousin, where the fuck is Mikey. He just fucking disappeared.” Carmy’s head swiveled around the kitchen double checking whether his brother was there or not, coming up empty in his search. Richie glanced up before settling his eyes back on the drink in his hand still doing the mental math to wrap his head around what the fuck Carmy just made.

Richie jutted his head in the direction of the front door, “Outside talking to Baby.” His eyes finally focused on Carmy’s in time to see the frown grace the younger man’s face, his eyebrows pinching together in agitation, annoyed that his brother was on a phone call rather than inside. Though that’s what Carmy told himself subconsciously he knew he was just annoyed at the fact that Mikey was even talking to you at all. Carmy didn’t think he was possessive but as you and Mikey grew closer through the years, he couldn’t help but feel miffed about the ever growing friendship between the two of you. You and your friendship with Carmy was the first thing in his life that he felt like was actually his and his alone.

It’s funny really for Carmy to think he has any sort of claim over you, or like the two of you were even really friends anymore. When he left Chicago to pursue his culinary dreams, he left you behind to, essentially ghosting the one real friend he did have. It’s not like he meant to, you two just went your separate ways after graduation, and he wasn’t even sure if there even was an “Us” when it came to the two of you anymore. If that was the case the only person he had to blame was himself, it was no fault of yours that your friendship had hit a plateau, Carmy hadn’t responded to a text of yours in years, and the fact that you still texted him to this day caused a slight pain in his chest as he stood in the middle of his mother’s kitchen, frown still etched into his features.

“He’s outside on the phone with Baby?” Carmy questioned the ache in his chest doing nothing to alleviate his irritation. It was Richie’s turn to frown reciprocating the same confused look Camry wore.

“What - No dickhead, he’s talking to Baby, like she’s right in fucking front of him and shit.” Richie swatted the side of Carmy’s head like a child. “Your moms invites her to every holiday, Cousin, and she comes every time.” Richie knew the last bit wasn’t necessary but felt Carmy rightfully deserved it, all anyone wanted from the youngest Berzatto was a visit.

“Dudes been out there for fucking ever though, those to idiots just standing outside like a bunch of fucking jackoffs.” Richie left the kitchen not waiting for Carmy to follow him before heading to the front door. He stopped moving the curtain on one of the side windows to spot two of the people he considered family. He let out a low whistle nudging Carmy’s shoulder who had finally joined his side nodding his head to the window.

“Get a load of these fucking losers hugging on the porch like they’re in some fucking Hallmark movie or some shit.” Richie laughed pointing at you and Mikey through the window. Carmy leaned closer to get a peak at what Richie was going on about.

Carmy hated to admit it, but Richie was right, the too of you looked like the happy couple who just saved a small town’s Christmas or whatever the fuck Hallmark movies were about. Mikey had finally separated himself from you long enough for Carmy to take in your features. He’d be lying if he said the years apart made him forget what you looked like. You were still the same girl he left in Chicago all those years ago except the wand of maturity had touched you, and in his opinion he thought you looked more beautiful than you had in high school.

Carmy was never one to pay too much attention to a woman’s features, and not because he didn’t care, it's just that he didn’t think it mattered. But as he drank in your form he learned in that exact moment why a woman might want people to notice the small things. Like the haircut you were sporting that Carmy felt shaped your face well, not that he knew shit about stuff like that, but he could appreciate art when he saw it. The outfit you picked out doing wonders to compliment your tall form and accentuate your legs. Carmy could look at you all day, scratch that he wanted to look at you all day.

He was torn from his reverie as Richie narrated the scene happening in front of them, “Aw look at these fuckers lookin all in love an shit.” He joked watching as Mikey slung his arm around you and led you towards the door, what looked to be a frame held in his other hand. The two of you walked side by side, your arm wrapped around his torso, hugging him into your side, Mikey’s head leaning slightly down to whisper something in your ear a small smile gracing your face as Mikey pressed his lips onto your temple lingering there for what Carmen swore was forever.

The tightness in his chest intensified tenfold as the realization of just how close you and Mikey had become sank into him. He didn’t know how to feel, his brain not even allowing any emotions to process, saving himself from any conclusions he might come to from a split second interaction.

Carmy left, he chose his path, he knew this, and he had no regrets he would pursue his dream every time the opportunity was presented. He just wished that, maybe if he held onto you as tightly as you still held onto him, it would’ve been him greeting you on the sidewalk on Christmas Day, being the sole object of your attention holding you close to his longing body. He knew overall the decisions he made regarding you were wrong, while he ignored your daily text and calls enough times for you to just resort to monthly check ins asking him about his endeavors and congratulations as you heard about his achievements in the culinary industry, he knew deep down that Mikey answered every text and call you sent his way, made it his mission to connect with you anytime you were back in Chicago.

Carmy couldn’t admit it to himself but deep down he knew his family saw spending time with you as a way to stay connected to him. You were the closest thing any of them still had to Carmy, and even though he had essentially cut you off from his life, his family loved you too much to allow Carmy’s shortcomings to affect their relationship with you.

He was broken from the recesses of his mind as Richie threw the door open stepping over the threshold raising his hands in the air to welcome you and Mikey into the house. The glass of Sprite still clutched in his left hand, a broad smile spread across his face as you left Mikey’s hold to greet Richie eyes not having spotted Carmy who was hidden behind Richie’s small frame.

Carmy’s first up close look at you in years were your hands wrapped around Richie’s torso as he pulled you into a hug, rocking the two of you back and forth, Richie let you go quickly turning his body back into the house “A’ight fuckers you can all stop pretending you care so much about Carmy and his little rat in the chef hat bullshit. We got the real deal here now, Baby's gracing us with her journalist presence.”

Carmy’s brows furrowed at Richie’s dig only slightly offended about being compared to a fictional character named after pasta, too caught up in allowing the sound of your laugh to grace his ears for the first time in what felt like forever. Mikey had finally caught up to you standing behind you with a hand placed on your shoulder, Carmy watched as his brother’s hand glided up and down your arm before giving your bicep a slight squeeze and nodding his head in Carmy’s direction.

If Carmy was being honest it was becoming increasingly difficult to quiet his mind that was eagerly trying to piece everything together. From yours and Mikey's prolonged moment on the porch, to the kiss he placed on your temple, add in Richie’s jokes and the almost constant physical contact between you and Mikey and Carmy was sure he figured shit out.

You looked to where Mikey motioned his head finally noticing Carmy’s figure standing there while Richie ran off towards the stairs after his impromptu introduction. Looking at Carmy was like being in a Time Machine, nothing had drastically changed, he looked more exhausted than what you remembered. But overall he was the same Carmy you parted ways with all those years ago.

A small smile graced your lips as you took him in, he was still your Carmy appearance wise, and right now for you that was all that mattered. You lifted your hand in a small wave gaining his attention, your smile growing wider as your eyes locked with his.

The clearing of a throat broke you from your thoughts, Mikey’s hand giving your shoulder a squeeze as he walked you two into the house before shutting the door behind him. As he finished he stood in front of you so that Carmy was partially covered from view by each brother in your line of vision though your focus was taken up by the eldest. He gave you a reassuring smile before gently knocking his fist against your chin and presumably turning to leave you and Carmy alone.

As Mikey walked past Carmy he gave him his signature grin and a wink before patting his shoulder as left to check on Donna in the kitchen and mingle with the other guests.

Carmy’s face was still set in the same frown it had been in when he first asked Richie where Mikey ran off to. You took a deep breath to settle your nerves before taking a step to close the gap between you, your hand reached out to gently squeeze Carmy’s arm though stopping in midair as you watched him subtly flinch. Your smile faltered, your hand finding its rightful place at your side. You looked up to see the apology in Carmy’s eyes, you did your best to brush the moment off, maybe you came on too strong, maybe it wasn’t fair that you were still pushing for a friendship when Carmy had given you all the reasons to stop trying, maybe the Carmy in front of you was a different Carmy to the one you used to know. Maybe the life where it was you and Carmy had finally taken its last breath and you were just too clingy and desperate to realize.

You cleared your throat trying to alleviate the lump forming from the thoughts that were racing through your brain. The small placating smile on your face there to stop you from having a full breakdown in the Berzatto’s foyer. “Its good to see you Carmen, I hope New York is treating you well.” You lips wrapped around the generic greeting forcing yourself not to say anything you might regret.

Carmy nodded his head rapidly accepting your lackluster words, his lips parting and closing all in the same breath. The man obviously had nothing to say to you, and maybe you just had to accept that. You stayed a moment longer cursing yourself for doing so as the air between you two filled with palpable tension.

“Baby, is that you? My goodness you look fucking gorgeous.” Half of Donna’s body had popped out of the kitchen finally gaining a spare moment to greet you. Her words mumbled through the cigarette between her lips, a ladle held in her right hand while the left was occupied by tongs. Her apron covered in all sorts of sauces and whatever the hell else your brain couldn’t even begin to discern.

You laughed half in amusement and half in relief, you weren’t sure how much longer you could stand there as Carmy burned holes in your body. You waved at Donna quickly, beginning to head towards her to join her in the kitchen. It wasn’t your first choice as an escape from Carmen but you’d rather try and help Donna finish preparing Christmas dinner than be around Carmy for another minute.

Donna waved the tongs in Carmy’s direction, “Jesus fucking Christ Carmen, take the girls bag and coat. Don’t just fuckin stand there.” She huffed eyes glaring the longer Carmen stayed glued to the spot. You handed him your tote as soon as his arm shot out and began hastily shimmying out of your jacket. You gave him a soft smile before laying the jacket on his awaiting arm.

You began to leave the foyer as Donna motioned for you to follow her, mentally preparing yourself for what you were about to walk into. A sudden thought occurred causing you to gently grip Carmy’s bicep as you were walking past him, “I uh, I actually bought you a Christmas present. So um, find me later yeah?” You smiled tilting your head slightly in questioning.

Carmen Berzatto graced you with a small smile, nodding back in agreement as you sent him one final nod and turned to enter the kitchen. The first positive emotion he granted you since you walked back into his life 30 minutes ago.

next chapter ↣

a/n: this is my first fic that i’m publishing and i genuinely have no clue what the fuck any of this is, : ) but nonetheless hope you all enjoy! or don’t i’m just a stranger on the internet. constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated though. please like, comment, reblog if this behemoth tickles your fancy!

also i write for fun/hobby and i'm such an inconsistent bitch so don't get your hopes too high, but this will potentially be a series idk yet though lol.

#how mentally ill am i for going through this absolute emotional damage again #and enjoying it like it’s fine dining #who said that #not me #nobody show this to my therapist she’ll have a field day #carmen berzatto x reader

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torahtantra · 2 years ago

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Parsha 18. Mishpatim. “The Tenets.” From Exodus 21:1 - 24:18.

Mish= to supoort

Pa= to break

Tim= to honor

The Torah was written in partnership between God and men called Founders in order to give continual rise to sentience within all human generations. There are 7, starting with Adam and Eve, who are One Flesh, and then six male and six female couples that follow.

They form what is called the Menorah, or Lamp that has provided the basis for the Light of Reason for thousands of years. The Decrees provide law and order so the fire dancing on the wick of the Seven Flames does not go out.

The Mishpatim, the "vows to be broken and kept" are subtle versions of these, explaining choices the mind must make as to the master it is going to serve: truth or delusion.

At this stage of the Torah, we are around 11 or 12 years old; we have been told we can't stay home in Egypt forever, and the way to adulthood is laced with requirements and responsibilities including the laws of mankind the practice of religion as context.

We don't get to lose our innocence until Joshua breaches Jericho sometime in the future.

First are the Rules:

Laws About Slaves

SLAVES are traits we force into service of the Skills, the 12 and the 70. Analyze these verses using this as the basis for their firm understanding.

Threes, Sixes, Sevens, and Tens refer to the Days of Evolution and the Decrees.

Copulation is between ideas and their desired fruits. Jacob, the Follower, fuchked Leah, the Bountiful Cow and produced sons and one daughter. Sons are the ambitions, girls are the means.

ex.

The “unloved” Leah bore seven of Jacob's children—six sons, Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, and Zebulun, as well as a daughter, Dinah.

Follower plus the working cow=

Leadership, honor, unity, praise, friendliness, the village of honor, and government.

"When a good student intercourses with work, honorable leadership in a government that unifies the people through friendship an honorable nation is the result."

All of the Torah is a massive mantra just like this.

Hebrews are "those that have crossed over, have grown up." Hebrew slaves are highly desirable:

21 “Now these are the hrules that you shall set before them.

2 When you buy a Hebrew slave,1 he shall serve six years, and in the seventh he shall go out free, for nothing.

3 If he comes in single, he shall go out single; if he comes in married, then his wife shall go out with him.

4 If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the wife and her children shall be her master’s, and he shall go out alone.

5 But jif the slave plainly says, ‘I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free,’

6 then his master shall bring him to kGod, and he shall bring him to the door or the doorpost. And his master shall bore his ear through with an awl, and he shall be his slave forever.

The Master is the intellect, and it must undergo evolution, and it must partner with other skills and traits if it is to earn its adolescent male slave boy self freedom in society at large.

Daughters are boys too, they like real girls can get filthy from intercourse with persons of fell ideals; they are supposed to be redeemed by healthy intercourse with the very best boys, for free, unless she is a really really good whore then money [effort] is no object:

7 “When a man lsells his daughter as a slave, she shall not go out as the male slaves do. 8 If she does not please her master, who has designated her2 for himself, then he shall let her be redeemed. He shall have no right to sell her to a foreign people, since he has broken faith with her.

9 If he designates her for his son, he shall deal with her as with a daughter. 10 If he takes another wife to himself, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, or mher marital rights. 11 And if he does not do these three things for her, she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money.

=Bat Mitzvah.

see

Maimonides (Hil’ Avadim 4:2), based on Talmud Kiddushin 20a, writes that a man should sell all his possessions, including the clothes off his back, to avoid having to sell his daughter. Furthermore, if after selling his daughter he comes upon more money, he is immediately obligated to redeem her from bondage – and the courts force him to do so if he is unwilling (Kiddushin 18a). Thus, clearly, selling one’s daughter into slavery is viewed as an absolute last resort – where the father’s poverty has become so dire as to leave him with literally no alternative. Nevertheless, since poverty does and always has existed, the Torah does permit carrying out such a sale when the circumstances truly require it.

In terms of the details of the sale, the laws are not as severe as might first appear. First of all, a girl is not sold into absolute bondage. The buyer does not own her in body as a true slave. She is more the equivalent of a domestic servant – who works for her master while being paid in food, clothing and shelter. She can only be sold when she is considered a minor in Jewish law – i.e., under the age of twelve (Bat Mitzvah) and before she has developed signs of maturity. As soon as she does reach this stage, she immediately goes free. She also goes free after a maximum of six years of bondage or when the Jubilee year arrives, whichever comes first – as does a male Jewish slave (Mishna Kiddushin 1:2). And as above, as soon as her father acquires the money to buy her back he must do so.

5 But if the slave plainly says, ‘I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free,’ 6 then his master shall bring him to kGod, and he shall bring him to the door or the doorpost. And his master shall bore his ear through with an awl, and he shall be his slave forever.

This is best explained by Deuteronomy 15 which explains slavery to the one who brings you to God is everlasting, God will always have your ear and you will always have His:

15 At the end of every seven years you must cancel debts.

2 This is how it is to be done: Every creditor shall cancel any loan they have made to a fellow Israelite. They shall not require payment from anyone among their own people, because the Lord’s time for canceling debts has been proclaimed.

3 You may require payment from a foreigner, but you must cancel any debt your fellow Israelite owes you.

4 However, there need be no poor people among you, for in the land the Lord your God is giving you to possess as your inheritance, he will richly bless you,

5 if only you fully obey the Lord your God and are careful to follow all these commands I am giving you today.

6 For the Lord your God will bless you as he has promised, and you will lend to many nations but will borrow from none. You will rule over many nations but none will rule over you.

12 n“Whoever strikes a man so that he dies shall be put to death. 13 But if he did not lie in wait for him, but God let him fall into his hand, then I will appoint for you a place to which he may flee. 14 But if a man willfully attacks another to kill him by cunning, you shall take him from my altar, that he may die.

"A cunning man understands his steps." The Proverb says.

From Proverbs 14: 8-14:

8 The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.

9 Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.

10 Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.

11 The house of the wicked will be destroyed, but the tent of the upright will flourish.

12 There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.

13 Even in laughter the heart may ache, and rejoicing may end in grief.

14 The faithless will be fully repaid for their ways, and the good rewarded for theirs.

15 The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps.

16 The wise fear the Lord and shun evil, but a fool is hotheaded and yet feels secure.

17 A quick-tempered person does foolish things, and the one who devises evil schemes is hated.

18 The simple inherit folly, but the prudent are crowned with knowledge.

15 “Whoever strikes his father or his mother shall be put to death.

16 r“Whoever steals a man and sells him, and anyone found sin possession of him, shall be put to death.

=Hypocrisy.

17 “Whoever curses3 his father or his mother shall be put to death.

18 “When men quarrel and one strikes the other with a stone or with his fist and the man does not die but takes to his bed, 19 then if the man rises again and walks outdoors with his staff, he who struck him shall be clear; only he shall pay for the loss of his time, and shall have him thoroughly healed.

=Don't be so hard on the Beav, man. A bed, a stone, a staff, this is the dream of Jacob before he became Israel.

20 “When a man strikes his slave, male or female, with a rod [ruff!] and the slave dies under his hand, he shall be avenged. 21 But if the slave survives a day or two, he is not to be avenged, for the slave is his money.

=Slaves are aspects of self one must force to do work. No one dies while they are being forced to grow up, no matter how hard it seems. To be struck by a rod means someone with an adult penis has the right to make persons without one to work without question or recompense.

As for "striking":

22 “When men strive together and hit a pregnant woman, so that her children come out, but there is no harm, the one who hit her shall surely be fined, as the woman’s husband shall impose on him, and vhe shall pay as the wjudges determine.

23 But if there is harm,4 then you shall pay xlife for life, 24 yeye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, 25 burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.

26 “When a man strikes the eye of his slave, male or female, and destroys it, he shall let the slave go free because of his eye. 27 If he knocks out the tooth of his slave, male or female, he shall let the slave go free because of his tooth.

Eyes= attitude, goodwill towards others. There are good and evil eyes.

Teeth= teeth grow up and fall out. Bad habits are very much the same.

Hands= protection. Protection is given it is also provided.

Feet= acts of submission to the Tenets.

Oxes: Oxes are preachers. They represent the strength needed to fathom the Lessons.

28 “When an ox gores a man or a woman to death, the zox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner of the ox shall not be liable.

29 But if the ox has been accustomed to gore in the past, and its owner has been warned but has not kept it in, and it kills a man or a woman, the ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death.

30 If aa ransom is imposed on him, then vhe shall give for the redemption of his life whatever is imposed on him.

31 If it gores a man’s son or daughter, he shall be dealt with according to this same rule.

32 If the ox gores a slave, male or female, the owner shall give to their master bthirty shekels5 of silver, and zthe ox shall be stoned.

-> Stones are the Skills in the Ephod. Obviously if a preacher boy gets out of control, get him stoned.

-> -> Obviously we can't Oxboys, Rabbis, goring and butting people using the Tenets as his horns.

->->-> 30 is the number of "common things" one must use to pay their master if one acts like an Oxboy.

Here is what the Talmud says about the number 30:

Avoth Chapter 5 MISHNAH 21. HE USED TO SAY: FIVE YEARS [IS THE AGE] FOR [THE STUDY OF] SCRIPTURE, TEN-FOR [THE STUDY OF] MISHNAH, THIRTEEN-FOR [BECOMING SUBJECT TO] COMMANDMENTS, FIFTEEN-FOR [THE STUDY OF] TALMUD, EIGHTEEN- FOR THE [BRIDAL] CANOPY, TWENTY — FOR PURSUING, THIRTY-FOR [FULL] STRENGTH,[1] FORTY — FOR UNDERSTANDING, FIFTY- FOR [ABILITY TO GIVE] COUNSEL, SIXTY-FOR MATURE AGE, SEVENTY-FOR A HOARY HEAD, EIGHTY [IS A SIGN OF SUPERADDED] STRENGTH, NINETY [IS THE AGE] FOR [A] BENDING [FIGURE], AT A HUNDRED, ONE IS AS ONE THAT IS DEAD, HAVING PASSED AND CEASED FROM THE WORLD.

30 was also the age Joseph began his reign over Egypt.

Laws About Restitution

33 “When a man opens a pit, or when a man digs a pit and does not cover it, and an ox or a donkey falls into it, 34 the owner of the pit shall make restoration. He shall give money to its owner, and the dead beast shall be his.

-> Donkeys are the Messianic process. Pits are places in which refined men (oxes) and donkeys get stuck. Oxes and Donkeys are the source of all hope in this world. They are expensive and one must pay whatever is needed to rescue them in time and effort.

35 “When one man’s ox butts another’s, so that it dies, then they shall sell the live ox and share its price, and the dead beast also they shall share. 36 Or if it is known that the ox has been accustomed to gore in the past, and its owner has not kept it in, he shall repay ox for ox, and the dead beast shall be his.

Stealing. Stealing is to steal hope. it is the opposite of Chesed or Grace.

The inner dimension of tiferet is "mercy" or "empathy" (rachamim) - the ability of the soul to feel for another person. Stealing (or robbing) is obviously the direct antithesis of this: in order to steal, an individual must forget about the other person's feelings. Stealing and robbing thus blemish, i.e. weaken, the power of tiferet above.

This is the mystical significance of the double restitution, for the thief causes a blemish above, in the concealed levels, while the robber causes a blemish in the revealed levels.

22 1 “If a man steals an ox or a sheep, and kills it or sells it, he shall repay five oxen for an ox, and cfour sheep for a sheep. 2 2 If a thief is found dbreaking in and is struck so that he dies, there shall be no bloodguilt for him, 3 but if the sun has risen on him, there shall be bloodguilt for him. He3 shall surely pay. If he has nothing, then he shall be sold for his theft. 4 If the stolen beast fis found alive in his possession, whether it is an ox or a donkey or a sheep he shall pay double.

Stealing. Stealing is to steal hope. it is the opposite of Chesed or Grace.

This is the mystical significance of the double restitution, for the thief causes a blemish above, in the concealed levels, while the robber causes a blemish in the revealed levels.

->Five Oxen for One, Four Sheep for One, the only place this happens is in the battle of Four and Five Kings.

5 “If a man causes a field or vineyard to be grazed over, or lets his beast loose and it feeds in another man’s field, he shall make restitution from the best in his own field and in his own vineyard."

For this we need Isaiah 5: We must not let Israel and its people, the vineyard and the vines get trampled. If we were to do that, we would have to rebuild and provide the world with a new one:

The Song of the Vineyard

5 I will sing for the one I love a song about his vineyard: My loved one had a vineyard on a fertile hillside. 2 He dug it up and cleared it of stones and planted it with the choicest vines. He built a watchtower in it and cut out a winepress as well. Then he looked for a crop of good grapes, but it yielded only bad fruit.

3 “Now you dwellers in Jerusalem and people of Judah, judge between me and my vineyard. 4 What more could have been done for my vineyard than I have done for it? When I looked for good grapes, why did it yield only bad? 5 Now I will tell you what I am going to do to my vineyard: I will take away its hedge, and it will be destroyed; I will break down its wall, and it will be trampled. 6 I will make it a wasteland, neither pruned nor cultivated, and briers and thorns will grow there. I will command the clouds not to rain on it.”

7 The vineyard of the Lord Almighty is the nation of Israel, and the people of Judah are the vines he delighted in. And he looked for justice, but saw bloodshed; for righteousness, but heard cries of distress.

Woes and Judgments

8 Woe to you who add house to house and join field to field till no space is left and you live alone in the land.

9 The Lord Almighty has declared in my hearing:

“Surely the great houses will become desolate, the fine mansions left without occupants. 10 A ten-acre vineyard will produce only a bath[a] of wine; a homer[b] of seed will yield only an ephah[c] of grain.”

11 Woe to those who rise early in the morning to run after their drinks, who stay up late at night till they are inflamed with wine. 12 They have harps and lyres at their banquets, pipes and timbrels and wine, but they have no regard for the deeds of the Lord, no respect for the work of his hands. 13 Therefore my people will go into exile for lack of understanding; those of high rank will die of hunger and the common people will be parched with thirst. 14 Therefore Death expands its jaws, opening wide its mouth; into it will descend their nobles and masses with all their brawlers and revelers. 15 So people will be brought low and everyone humbled, the eyes of the arrogant humbled. 16 But the Lord Almighty will be exalted by his justice, and the holy God will be proved holy by his righteous acts. 17 Then sheep will graze as in their own pasture; lambs will feed[d] among the ruins of the rich.

18 Woe to those who draw sin along with cords of deceit, and wickedness as with cart ropes,

6 “If fire breaks out and catches in thorns so that the stacked grain or the standing grain or the field is consumed, he who started the fire shall make full restitution.

=Thorns are immaturity. We covered this at the feet of Sinai. If someone starts gossiping, lying and propagandizing, he needs to stop and start telling the truth.

7 “If a man gives to his neighbor money or goods to keep safe, and it is stolen from the man’s house, then, if the thief is found, ghe shall pay double. 8 If the thief is not found, the owner of the house shall come near to God to show whether or not he has put his hand to his neighbor’s property. 9 For every breach of trust, whether it is for an ox, for a donkey, for a sheep, for a cloak, or for any kind of lost thing, of which one says, ‘This is it,’ the case of both parties shall come before God. The one whom God condemns shall pay double to his neighbor.

10 “If a man gives to his neighbor a donkey or an ox or a sheep or any beast to keep safe, and it dies or is injured or is driven away, without anyone seeing it,

11 han oath by the Lord shall be between them both to see whether or not he has put his hand to his neighbor’s property. The owner shall accept the oath, and he shall not make restitution.

12 But if iit is stolen from him, he shall make restitution to its owner. 13 If it is torn by beasts, let him bring it as evidence. He shall not make restitution for what has been torn.

14 “If a man borrows anything of his neighbor, and it is injured or dies, the owner not being with it, he shall make full restitution. 15 If the owner was with it, he shall not make restitution; if it was hired, it came for its hiring fee.4

To borrow "being Jewish" from other Jews is to "see the Creator's Purposes become actualized. "

You may not practice Judaism, go to temple, or call yourself an Israelite, ie, borrow it from a relative or neighbor then defame the faith by engaging in corruption or hypocrisy or rebranding in anyway.

If you do this, you have to look good, feel good, and do good or it is as if you have not borrowed and returned on the investment properly or made restitution.

It is also appropriate to support the faith with money, time, practice and a stellar reputation. The best to pay the price for being a Jew is results: The world must grow, change, and benefit from life beamed to it through a Jewish filter.

Laws About Social Justice

16 j“If a man seduces a virgin5 who is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall give the bride-price6 for her and make her his wife. 17 If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, jhe shall pay money equal to the kbride-price for virgins.

18 l“You shall not permit a sorceress to live.

=A sorceress is the mother of anti-Semite. Just Kill the bitch.

19 m“Whoever lies with an animal shall be put to death.

=Do not have sex someone who acts like an animal. If you lie with an animal, you will surely regret it and then you must get bitten by the Bronze Snake in order to recover. This is also what is meant by the next Tenet:

20 n“Whoever sacrifices to any god, other than the Lord alone, shall be devoted to destruction.7

"God, not the gazelles." Too many gazelles creates a herd. Just saying.

21 o“You shall not wrong a sojourner or oppress him, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt. 22 pYou shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child.

23 If you do mistreat them, and they cry out to me, I will surely hear their cry, 24 and my wrath will burn, and I will kill you with the sword, and your wives shall become widows and your children fatherless.

25 t“If you lend money to any of my people with you who is poor, you shall not be like a moneylender to him, and you shall not exact interest from him. 26 uIf ever you take your neighbor’s cloak in pledge, you shall return it to him before the sun goes down, 27 for that is his only covering, and it is his cloak for his body; in what else shall he sleep?

"And if he cries to me, I will hear, for I am compassionate."

28 “You shall not revile God, nor curse a ruler of your people.

29 “You shall not delay to offer from the fullness of your harvest and from the outflow of your presses. xThe firstborn of your sons you shall give to me. 30 yYou shall do the same with your oxen and with your sheep: zseven days it shall be with its mother; on the eighth day you shall give it to me.

31 a“You shall be consecrated to me. Therefore byou shall not eat any flesh that is torn by beasts in the field; cyou shall throw it to the dogs.

23 d“You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with a wicked man to be a emalicious witness. 2 You shall not fall in with the many to do evil, nor shall you bear witness in a lawsuit, siding with the many, so as to pervert justice, 3 fnor shall you be partial to a poor man in his lawsuit.

4 g“If you meet your enemy’s ox or his donkey going astray, you shall bring it back to him. 5 If you see the donkey of one who hates you lying down under its burden, you shall refrain from leaving him with it; you shall rescue it with him.

=Religious intolerance is not permitted in Judaism.

6 h“You shall not pervert the justice due to your poor in his lawsuit. 7 dKeep far from a false charge, and ido not kill the innocent and righteous, for jI will not acquit the wicked. 8 kAnd you shall take no bribe, for a bribe blinds the clear-sighted and subverts the cause of those who are in the right.

9 l“You shall not oppress a sojourner. You know the heart of a sojourner, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt.

Laws About the Sabbath and Festivals

10 “For six years you shall sow your land and gather in its yield, 11 but the seventh year you shall let it rest and lie fallow, that the poor of your people may eat; and what they leave the beasts of the field may eat. You shall do likewise with your vineyard, and with your olive orchard.

=Seven Years are extensions of the Seven Days. At the end of the Seven Years' cultivation of the Tenets, the world should be covered in vineyards and orchards with more "food animals" being reared in the "fields".

Vineyards are civilization, olive orchards are the dividends, peace on earth, goodwill towards men, plenty to eat, plenty of work, plenty of fun.

12 “Six days you shall do your work, but on the seventh day you shall rest; that your ox and your donkey may have rest, and the son of your servant woman, and the alien, may be refreshed.

Thus ends Parsha Mishpatim, "the Tenets", numbered 18 of 54 contained in the Holy Torah.

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