#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /

[topaztimes]

Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that

[simpxxstan]

strangers to lovers with junhui

this is part of my 550 followers celebration event! find the rest of the members' headcanons in the event too as i post them through this month!

warnings: mentions of one night stand. very mildly suggestive tones, rest is only fluff!

thinking about strangers to lovers with tour guide!junhui who's your designated guide for your first overseas trip to singapore

it's a twelve-member group for the tour, but you're the only one who's travelling solo and of age less than forty. perhaps this is why junhui is naturally drawn to your side. ever since you got off the airplane, junhui has been tagging near you, although he doesn't forget the other members of the trip as well. he's a professional tour guide after all- only five star ratings in the last year. he's not going to make slips in his work just because of a pretty passenger.

and yet, he's oddly drawn to you. he's not staying at the hotel the group is put up at, and he's not even supposed to be there at the dinner for that night. and yet, he does go. he goes, wearing his best shirt, even as the rain pours on, and he makes sure to sit at your table. you look even more lovely after resting post that long flight, and jun knows, that he's lost it even before the trip has begun.

the first day is scheduled for the tour of the gardens by the bay. "i'm so excited to see the flowers! i really like flowers. i have my own garden, you know. well, it's not too big, but i try." you're wearing a blue sundress, and jun thinks you look like a flower yourself, but he can't say that. instead, he grins. "i've seen them so many times on account of these trips, and yet the charm isn't lost on me."

thankfully, the group isn't a very taxing one. everyone seems to be happy sightseeing on their own, as long as jun remains close at call. and jun takes full advantage of this to stick to your side. he maintains a healthy distance at the start to ensure you don't get uncomfortable, because the last thing he'd want is for you to think he's a creep. but then, you specially seek him out during lunch and sit on the bench next to him, the edge of your sundress fluttering and brushing against his body, and jun feels slightly more hopeful of reciprocation.

thinking about tour guide!junhui who's just what you need for your tired heart when you whimsically decided to go on this trip after an extremely exhausting month at work

not only is he excellent eye candy, but also so sweet to you. you're suspicious of his oddly cute nature for the first hour or so, but then you realise there's no point in suspecting him. you've been betrayed enough and you have nothing left to lose.

he's also an A class guide. you've never been on a guided tour before, so you don't have a metric for comparison, but he's certainly way better than what you had imagined him to be like. he's extremely friendly, and under all those silly jokes, he's very knowledgeable and good at his job.

for example, he takes you to a beautiful photo spot where you can get a perfect view of the entire city of singapore, but it's not half as crowded as the designated viewpoint. he knows the best restaurants and cafes to eat at, hidden away in alleys you can't spot even on google maps. he knows what's the cheapest rate at which you can buy souvenirs, and he helps you bargain too.

you don't know if this is behaviour towards all his guests on all his trips, but a fanciful part of you thinks he is slightly partial towards you and you want to relish that. it's been long since you've had the attention of anyone. and it works wonders for you and your mental health.

thinking about tour guide!junhui who sees you wear even prettier dresses and makeup from the second day of the tour

he wonders what may have brought about this change. perhaps it's your mind unconsciously reflecting the beauty of the city? there's so much he wants to ask you, but he cannot, because he's a professional. but no one can stop him from picking up observations.

for instance: he sees no ring on your finger, and you're travelling alone, and there's no one calling you at all. so it's highly likely you're not in a relationship, although he can't rule out the case of a very secure partner who doesn't call through the day and only calls at night, even if time differences are wild.

he hears you talk about the fact that you work late often and that's why you often don't have time to go out and wander as you'd like to. so it's same to assume you're employed and perhaps a corporate job (if the exhaustion in your voice while talking about it is anything to go by).

he hears you talk about family, but only in passing, not like you're close to them. he doesn't want to assume anything, but he can only hope you're not lonely. because then his heart would break ten times over.

thinking about tour guide!junhui who deviates from the trip schedule and takes you out to a night market to enjoy street side delicacies

"you mentioned once that you prefer street food to restaurants." he tells you while the two of you walk to the market. you gasp a bit, quite taken aback by the fact that he remembers. no other words come to your mouth except, "i do. thanks for this, junhui."

jun shows you all the delicacies of the market, and you make sure to try each. it's a whole lot of fun going around with him, because even though he may be shy, he's a great conversationalist. especially because he doesn't intrude or ask personal stuff, but is happy with conversations that flow naturally like two friends catching up after a long time.

"where do you live, jun?" "umm, near the outskirts." he runs a shy hand through his hair, "about an hour away from here." "an hour! it's already eleven and we have to leave for sentosa tomorrow at eight am! how are you going to rest!" he smiles in embarrassment. "it's fun going out with you. i have no one to go home to anyway."

because of the crowd in the market the two of you end up standing very close to each other. so close that you can see the exact spots of his moles and the way his front teeth are slightly jagged at the edges. his smile looks like the most beautiful thing on earth, further warmed by the stars in his eyes and the short brown bangs that curl around his pretty face. if you tiptoe just a little bit, you could kiss him.

thinking about tour guide!junhui who knows he missed an opportunity to kiss you last night

it's a six-night-six-day tour and it's already the fourth day. and while jun should be distancing himself from you, because he can very well see how this is going to end in a crushing heartbreak for him, he cannot find the strength to do it.

because there's something that you're doing that keeps dragging him in. perhaps it's the way you lightly clutch his arm while navigating through crowds. or the way you spot that he's left a seat next to you on the tour bus and you take it. or the way you let him have a bite out of your ice cream last night.

you're just friends. friends can share food. friends can share bus seats. friends can touch sometimes. and jun needs to keep reminding himself of this.

but it's oh so hard. "junhui? do you think this hat suits me?" "junhui, do you wanna go on this ride with me? it's a haunted house ride, and it's embarrassing but i'm a tiny bit scared." "junhui, we can share the umbrella, and you can give your umbrella to mrs myers. she needs it more than you do." "junhui, can you take a photo of me?" "junhui-"

he's sick of it, the way you're playing his heart along. but worse, he's sick of the way he's responding to it, like a loyal dog. because he can't help it. he will regret this closeness when he watches you leave, but he will regret not getting close to you too and taking a shot at destiny when he had the chance to as well.

thinking about tour guide!junhui who doesn't turn up for dinner on the fourth night

you wear your best dress that night, and even heels. but jun, the rascal (endearingly), the damn brat (even more endearingly) just doesn't turn up! not just that, he doesn't even text you or anything. just leaves you sitting at the restaurant, alone at your table for two, while the rest of the group enjoy their dinner. it's like a date that dumped you, but it's not his fault at all.

it's totally your fault for thinking you could even have a date with a boy you'd met three days ago and fallen for immediately. for all you know, he may have a girlfriend (even if there's no one waiting for him at home), he may have a doctor's appointment (although doctors don't generally work at night), he may be a criminal (pretty sure he'd lose his job then) or he may be a practiced playboy (but he's too shy for that)!

you barely eat anything that night. mr and mrs myers, an elderly couple enjoying their second honeymoon, ask you if you're quite well, because you look distraught and lost. "no, i'm perfectly fine! just not much of an appetite, i think i'll just sleep early tonight." mrs myers adds, "oh. have you heard from jun? funny that he didn't turn up tonight." "yes, well, no. i haven't- no. not heard from him. but why would i? like, he'd text in the group, right? not me personally?" she smiles in that mysterious way that only older women can do. "i thought he'd like to inform his girl. well, this is the tragedy of youth- no sense of timing."

thinking about tour guide!junhui who's confused at the way you're maintaining distance from him on the morning of the fifth day

is it because he didn't come last night? he has a perfectly good reason- his brother turned up suddenly, and he couldn't really desert him when it's been a year since he's seen him.

so, when jun finds you alone staring at the penguins displayed at the singapore zoo, he takes the opportunity to read your mind. "how was dinner last night?" you jerk a bit at his voice, but quickly mask your surprised expression. somehow, you look especially good today. the pale green shirt makes your skin glow, and jun is suddenly jealous of whoever your future partner will be.

"good enough. enjoyed the nasi goreng that they served us." he's feeling a bit bold, so he asks, almost too softly for you to hear. "did you miss me?"

you don't immediately reply, but he sees the way your shoulders freeze. jun's mind panics and he immediately covers it up by rambling no no that came out in the wrong way i didn't- " i did. i did miss you." your words shock him to no end as you turn around to face him. there's an equal vulnerability in your eyes that reflects his own state.

"really? i'm sorry, i am. my brother arrived last night. he was supposed to come next week but he said-"

and then you lean in and kiss him. kiss him on the the mole that's on his cheek. "y/n?" "you have a brother." another kiss on the mole near his eyes. "yes, but-" "is he like you?" another kiss on a mole above his lips. "not much, we're step-" "did you have fun with him?" another kiss on the mole nearly on his lips. "yeah, but y/n, what are you doing right now?" "i missed you, junhui."

thinking about tour guide!junhui who you're going too fast with, but you can't help yourself

not with the way you crave for his touch all morning when you finally see him after... twelve hours. it's a little concerning, how hard you're falling for him. to be honest, you've never experienced this. is this love? or is this just you being infatuated?

"y/n, you go home tomorrow." "i do, but i couldn't stop myself. is this wrong? do you not want this? have i read you incorrectly?" "no. i do want- fuck, i need this, y/n. but i don't know if i can have you, so i can't continue." "we can just have one night together."

fuck. that's the wrong thing to say, clearly, because jun's face immediately changes from a constrained elation to a dejected puppy. "is that all you want? a one-night stand?" "jun-" "because i don't want that. so it's best if we don't really do anything about this because you'll be leaving tomorrow."

you can hear the way jun's voice breaks towards the end of his sentence, and you lean forward to kiss him again. "i don't want just a one-night stand with you, jun. you're wonderful and all i've been looking for, and honestly? fuck one-night stands. i want to have a house and kids with you. but we know that can't ha-"

jun giggles, and breaks your stream of thought. you pause, smiling at the cute way he's giggling. "what?" "house and kids?" you blush, averting your gaze, but jun's hand cups your cheek. "you're so bold, y/n." you gulp, "i'm just being honest." but then jun stops laughing. "but you know we can't. even though every cell of my body is aching to touch you after knowing that you like me too, i... i can't. we live in different countries. we've known each other for not even a week. we can't do long distance, it won't work."

you place more of your face into the cup of jun's palm. "you don't need to remind me of it. i've spent all night thinking about it. i really like you, but it feels cruel to know i can't do anything about it. that's why... i want to spend these two days with you. just you. i didn't want to deny my feelings anymore. not when i'm leaving tomorrow and i have nothing to lose." you smile, a bitter, sad smile. your heart aches with each word of truth you utter, but it's your only option left.

thinking about tour guide!junhui who kisses you next, a warm, soft kiss that makes you forget your surroundings

the guard near you interrupts your kiss and asks you to keep your pda private, because this is a zoo for kids, and the two of you double over with giggling. "sorry!" jun says, before he whisks you away towards a secluded spot for bird-spotting and kisses you more.

his hands rap around your waist, and he thinks, he'd rather die here than live without you. because everything you're even better than what he's imagined. the way your soft curves mould into his hands, the way your chapstick tastes like honey, and the way your shampoo smells of vanilla. you're a dream, a cloud melted into reality for him, and he wants to do nothing but hold you close.

"junie-" you moan into his kiss when he bites your lower lip, and your body clings to his even more. it's an exhilarating sensation, and jun craves it. "do you wanna come home with me tonight? meet my brother? eat dinner i make for you? i'm a good cook i swe-"yes! don't have to convince me, jun. yes, it's always a yes."

so he does. after the day's scheduled trip is over, he comes up to your hotel room, and sits with you on the couch as the two of you drink coffee and he helps you back your bags. it's a constant ache in his chest- the reminder of you leaving the next day. but it's too domestic and fulfilling a feeling for him to not take part in it. after that, he takes you home, where you meet his brother, who thankfully hides into his room soon after, so that he can get you completely to himself.

thinking about tour guide!junhui who cooks authentic chinese food for you, things you've never tasted before because your entire knowledge of chinese food is through takeout

perhaps it's the newness of the fond, warm feeling fluttering in your chest, perhaps it's the way the two of you eat from one plate as junhui shows you how to pair side dishes and even feeds you from his chopsticks, perhaps it's the way he cooks for you from scratch, or perhaps it's just the deliciousness of the food itself. but you're pretty sure that this is heaven, and nothing can beat it.

later in the night, jun and you sit on his sofa, curled up under a blanket, as the two of you make mindless conversation, sip beer and play games on his phone. it's only after midnight, that the initial happy vibes die down and the melancholy takes over. "we could be pen-pals," he says, spooning you from behind, as the two of you fit tightly into his sofa. "we could do video calls and texts and all..." "you said you didn't want a long distance relationship. and frankly, neither do i." you turn around to face him, and your heart breaks at the way his eyes water up slightly. seeing him, you break into tears as well, and he pulls you into his chest.

"i know. but i can't bear thinking that you'll be gone tomorrow. forever. that this is the end." your sobbing only increases at his words, and you can feel his tears fall on your forehead too, even though your eyes are shut.

"let me take you back to your hotel now-" "no. let me stay. please, jun?" your eyes are red with the crying, as you look up at him. and he presses a kiss to your forehead, and keeps his lips lingering there. "whatever you want, princess."

thinking about tour guide!junhui who wakes up to the smell of coffee and an omelette getting overcooked

he finds that you're no longer next to him on his sofa where you both had cuddled and fallen asleep last night. instead, you're in his kitchen, feeding breakfast to his baby brother, who's chatting with carelessly, as if today isn't the day of the apocalypse.

"oh, you're up! morning, jun." you walk over to him and place a kiss on the spot between his eyebrows. "i made breakfast. do you like tea or coffee? i didn't know, sorr-" "y/n? you have to get back to the hotel." "huh? no, i - i actually got my stuff sent over here. the hotel valet were so kind." "what?" "yea-" "i know i said the airport's close from here but you're supposed to leave with your group, you know." "eh? don't bother about all that, let's just eat breakfast now. good that your fridge is so well-stocked!"

jun's brain goes into overdrive because he's still sleepy, so he escapes to the bathroom to freshen up. "how did you brush your teeth?" he asks you when he comes out of the bathroom. "i used my finger." "finger? eww." "hey, it's better than using your brush!" jun grins and sits down on the kitchen counter next to you. you hand him a bowl of cereal with chopped fruits, and an omelette. "how did you know i like cereal?" "because your brother told me, dummy."

and for a few minutes, jun is in bliss. the two of you sitting on the counter, dangling your legs, eating cereal and slurping milk, and stealing kisses in between. but it's soon ten-thirty on his watch, and his heart rings out in alarm.

"y/n, you should leave soon. your flight's at noon, isn't it?" you look up from your seat, where you're eating the last piece of mango from your plate. "umm, so. i cancelled my flight." jun's plate almost slips and falls. "you what?" "yes, you heard me right. i cancelled my flight." "why?" "because i need time to think! i want at least two more days with you, so that we can figure out stuff. whether us shifting to one city is possible and-" "what? y/n? really?" jun's eyes are as wide as saucers now as he stares at you. you smile. "well, it was the only way out for me to make peace in my heart."

and jun kisses you. because it's the only way he can rein in his heart which is dancing with joy at the prospect of merely two more days with you and you even considering shifting to one city as a couple. "are you even real, y/n?" "i ought to ask you that!" "i love you." you smile, a little shocked, but it's a sweet smile. "i love you too, junhui."

[tea-and-secrets]

god i just need to get this off my chest.

so essentially when I was super young, like.. 11, i faked my own death online, posing as a girl who was 15/16 or so, if i remember correctly. i don't remember why, i think i was genuinely on the brink or something, and decided that, yeah, it would be the best way to cope. i DID try and go through with it but i was also 11 and didn't know what to do or anything, and i was really embarrassed because i had caused so much pain to people over it. these people were so close to me though, so i decided i had to come back, using an alt and claiming to be a friend of that person.

along the road, there were a lot of other misunderstandings, but it was fine, i made new friends.

a few years later, i kinda lose it again, and i lie and use another alt account based off of my real life partner at the time and invite it to a server and 'date' her. made her really mean and everything too to my friends. i never meant what i said, but that doesn't excuse me behaviour. i was sorta clambering though, because after that, i lost.. basically everyone. i regret the confrontation because they did it at like.. 11PM my time, and i was scared and i was so fucking young and i didn't know how to deal with what was happening and so all i could do was put on that sort of smarmy "mature front" that most 14/15 year olds do. all of those people were way older than me too, by the way.

i'm clean now, somewhat, i guess. i'm older and i have new friends and they're the world to me but . day by day those circles are starting to crossover. two of my friends have gotten close with people from those groups, and i'm scared that one day it'll all fall apart. i don't know what I'll do then.

i don't really know what my new friends will think when they learn the details of what happened to me years ago, honestly.

it's not like everything is a lie, either though. i've gone through... so, so much outside of that. most of the things i lied about became truth as i got older anyways, but i still feel horrible lol

there's so much more to it but honestly i just regret everything. i've been living a lie for like six years and I'll have to keep it up. I've gotten help now, and as I matured and grew older, I left behind those attention seeking habits. i just wish the people i hurt would be able to see the person I've become today and realise i was barely a teenager when everything happened. i know it doesn't change the damage i did, by saying i was just a kid, but.. i still think it's still significant. i'm a stand up guy now and everything, too. i work in a field where i can make a difference directly, helping kids who were just like me when i was super young, and i started using my talents for good, i guess.

i doubt the people i hurt will ever recognise me or this but if they do i'm so fucking sorry for everything. you guys were genuinely some of the nicest people i had ever met and i had no reason to hurt you all like that. i was broken and i was unwell, but i should've asked for help rather than running away all those years ago. sorry for never coming clean to you directly about the start of my web of lies. i did end up losing my best friend like i said years ago but she wasn't the girl you guys knew. i want to leave and start again once I'm a little older now but.. that means hurting the solid foundation i have now. there's a lot more to this but, still.

maybe i should stop picking at the scab of the wound though and find it in myself to move on. thank you for reading i guess

.

[danpuff-ao3]

I was wondering if you had any recommendations for fics with jealous Snape? I love love love your work - Cruel Summer introduced me to your wonderful writing, which lead me down the Snarry rabbit hole 🥰🩷

Hello there! What excellent taste you have 😎 With the jealous Snape, I mean. I'm a sucker for jealousy in fics. All those ugly emotions other people don't like very much? Sign me up!

I'm also so glad you loved Cruel Summer and have read more of my work! That makes my heart so glad to know, thank you! 🥰

There's not half enough jealous!Snape fics for my liking, but I've gathered a few here and I hope you find some you like! I won't bother self reccing as you're already reading my works 🤭 Happy reading!

Foundations (or Where Do We Go From Here)

by avioleta. Rated: E. Words: 17,788. Hogwarts Eighth Year. First Time. Angst with a Happy Ending.

After the war, Severus retreats to the solitude of his dungeons. There are potions to brew, repair work to be done, and lessons to plan. But then Harry Potter begins turning up at all hours, wanting little more—it seems—than to irritate Severus. Severus doesn’t know what Potter wants. But he doesn’t know what he wants, either. From the original prompt: Severus knows it’s not love or even affection that brings Harry Potter to his rooms at night.

A Long Time Coming

by Conzieu. Rated: E. Words: 191,133. UST. Harry/other. Happy ending.

There are signs from the days after the battle of Hogwarts that there is much more to Severus and Harry’s relationship than the conflict and hatred that had define it until then. It will take ten years of changes, personal growth, and maturing, as well as one year when both of them change careers and return to Hogwarts, for their feelings to finally overcome their prejudices, assumptions and fears and for the love of these soulmates to triumph.

Blowing Smoke

by DawnofTomorrow. Rated: E. Words: 231,967. Slow burn. Getting together. Self-discovery. Bottom!Snape. Oblivious!Harry. Pining. Awkward flirting.

Harry doesn't care about Snape beyond having to sit detentions with the man despite being of age. He doesn't. He asks him out for a drink just to get out of detention. So what if it's... nice? So what if they become friends? So what if Snape *is* lonely? It's not Harry's problem - at least not until he realises he's accidentally befriended the man, and just how much he cares for Snape. Well, shit.

Tart

by gracerene. Rated: E. Words: 652.

Written for the prompts: Pairing: Severus Snape/Harry Potter Prompts: This desire is eating me up… Word Prompts: jam, jealous, jackhammer Kink: Partially clothed sex

The Potter Phenomenon

by ines_iz. Rated: E. Words: 31,548. Internalized homophobia. Angst. Eventual fluff. Postwar. Coming out. Professor Harry Potter. Pining. Jealousy.

When Harry Potter, queer star of the Wizarding World, returns to Hogwarts as the new Defence professor, Severus Snape is not happy. In fact, he is positively outraged. Not only does Severus have to endure the man's obnoxious behaviour (not to mention his ridiculous sense of fashion), but he also ends up being dragged into Potter's attention-seeking plans — and, ultimately, is forced to face a few demons of his own. Or: Harry Potter Goes Gay (and the entirety of Hogwarts Goes Gay with him)

Appearances

by Queen_of_the_Castle. Rated: G. Words: 186.

Harry and Draco spend a lot of time together. Severus suspects Harry of cheating.

Pandora Awakes

by whitecotton. Rated: E. Words: 1,390. Harry/other. Tragedy. Angst. Voyeurism.

Legend has it that hope is left inside Pandora’s box. However, it is the other things that were released when the box was opened that hold our attention.

[milatibrahiim]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

In shaa allah you are all in the best state of health and imaan. I am writing up this letter as naseeha for my beloved sisters, as I am noticing a trend nowadays where a new sisters owned dawah page will pop up at least once a week. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting to spread dawah, it is of course one of the 4 principles of tawheed. However, the amount of compromising and lack of hayaa is very ironic. And concerning to say the least.

I trust that the intention of these sisters are pure and filled with motivation in wanting to convey the message. But remember dear sister, there are conditions and limitations one must follow. Did not Aaisha r. a give dawah behind a screen with her voice firm and her demenor strict? So why is it my dear sister you think it's "dawah" by constantly uploading personal images and captions onto your stories? Updating the world of your whereabouts? What you're having for dinner? Sharing memes and laughing with the world? My dear sister what is this?

Wallahi every sister who falls into this must be ashamed of themselves. A Muslimah is to be quiet, shy and reserved. When she is addressing those who aren't her mahaarim, she is firm in her voice and to the point. She understands that just because she may cover her entire

body, doesn't mean she still isn't vulnerable and susceptible to fitnah. Your hijab is also a concealment of your tongue and actions.

You're absolutely contradicting the purpose of your hijab when you cover yourself head to toe, black on black, no skin showing whatsoever, but you go ahead and expose yourself to your stories, giggling with strange brothers over nonsense, and sharing what kind of attar and abayas you love to wear.

Ya Allah, Allahu musta'aan. Have some humility dear sister. The Lord of all the Worlds is watching you and will hold you accountable. The next time you find yourself writing up a post about hayaa and hijab, look to yourself and ask, are you even applying the concept of that yourself? Have some sense dear sister.

Another common issue I'm also witnessing, is these arguments between brothers and sisters over a political issue pertaining to the deen. It's as if both parties have lost all sense of their dignity and hayaa. And you dear sister, are no better. Yes the man is responsible for himself, but you too are responsible. You dear sister, are responsible for entertaining such behaviour. As someone once stated, these men are not your mahaarim to care about your honour the way you value it.

And as for private messages, these sisters don't even realise it was them that opened that door to fitnah. You have no one to blame but yourself. Again, yes these brothers are responsible for themselves, but you are too. You made it known you were a woman and turned your so called dawah page into a funhouse, that invited all these men into your dms. Wake up to yourself seriously.

My biggest advice to every single sister who wishes to spread dawah, one, move to telegram as there is no communication whatsoever with anyone. You are able to completely turn off likes, comments which distract the heart and causes it to forget its intentions.

Two, do NOT make it known you are a sister. First of all, its not necessary and you're making the first mistake in sharing information that just isn't important to know. It is knowledge that does not benefit. And secondly, you become a hotspot for fitnah.

Enough with the attention seeking. You may not see it as that, but that's exactly what is happening. Basic fact and reality does not conceal your ignorance.

And thirdly, it's honestly better for you to remove yourself from these socials and start by seeking dawah yourself. Replace the time you'd put in to reply to messages and check who liked your posts with seeking knowledge. And not just seeking but implementing. In the long run, this is a far better option for you because at least you will have on your concious that you will enter your grave with absolutely nothing, but the knowledge that you prepared for it.

Please forgive me for my harsh bluntness, it is all out of frustration and concern for my dear sisters in Islam. I ask Allah to purify our intentions and forgive us for our shortcomings, may He increase us in knowledge, and may He not take our souls except when He is pleased with us.

  𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝

         -𝐅𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐧

[mysticmellowlove]

HI MELLOW!!

could i request (if you’re taking them right now) a scenario where there’s this one yan pining over darling but darling already has their hands full with another yan? like maybe yan #1 is a secret admirer who soon realizes that yan #2 exists and is actively a part of darlings life (and already attempting to woo them!!). this might push yan #1 to reveal themself to darling, after all, yan #1 doesn’t want to be left behind!! they want darlings attention all to themselves…

soon darling finds two cuties fighting for their attention at all times… how would this go?? would they try to one up eachother?? i want needy, attention seeking yans… ohoho… the cutest kind <33 maybe they all have a sleepover and fight over who gets to share the bed with darling… darling might tease one yan by choosing to pay attention to the other… eek!! so cute so cute, i want a desperate yan cutie wanting me so bad too :(( <33

- 💖

Desperation then Resignation - Learning to Live Together

warnings; yandere behaviour, sub yandere, sub male, self-harm implication (8 paragraphs down), implied drugging

word count; 1269

note; what's better than one needy yan? two needy yan's..... and they were roommates (omg). also please forgive me for any wackiness, I'm so fucking sick right now. my army of panadol, nurofen and aspirin are currently fighting a losing battle.

James had no idea how he had done it, how he had hidden his constant lusting from his roommate Andrew. But, now that he was at the place his love worked everything made more sense. Andrew hadn't been paying attention to him at all... he was paying attention to them.

He watched with badly concealed jealousy as he was able to laugh alongside them, his hand resting on their shoulder as they poured another cup. His teeth grit together. He had spent so long trailing them around and yet he had never noticed the enemy right under his nose.

When Andrew had been talking about his 'baby' had he been talking about them? Had he been talking about how their hugs were full of warmth, how they smelt like peppermint and coffee from the machine? Had his loving drawls always been about them?

A whine bubbled in his throat as he looked down towards his espresso. He grasped the cup with increasing intensity, a pit of firey hatred bubbling up inside of him. Why....? Why was Andrew allowed to be near them, why was he allowed to touch them, laugh with them... and he wasn't.

He had spent years of his life following them, always too shy to approach. Now it was too late.

"Hey, what's up man? You seem a little down in the dumps?" He looked up from the pool of darkness in front of him, he was there. Andrew was always more put together than he was, always smiling, always laughing. He was someone who could have anyone he wanted. Why did he have to want them, why did he have to have them? They were... they were his.

"Nothing," He mumbled, his words nearly lost in his sodden tone. Andrew rolled his eyes, used to seeing his roommate deep in his own misery. Still, he couldn't help the small smirk that rose to his face. He leaned down so his mouth was level with his ear.

"Is it because they love me more? You'll never get them you know. Don't think I'm stupid, I know you've been drooling over them for a while now. I saw your stupid little collages, how you write about them in your stupid little diary, their name scratched into your stomach..." His sight wavered as Andrew whispered into his ear, his hair raising on the back of his neck. A wave of sudden realisation washed over him, he had known?

That was why he spoke about his 'baby' so often, going into detail about how much he loved them.

"You fucking..." Before he could finish they stopped beside his table, leaning on Andrew as they smiled down at him. He felt a calmness come over him as they looked upon him, though it only stayed for a second as he saw Andrew wrap his arm around their waist.

"Hey, you must be Andy's roomie. I've heard so much about you." Their smile sent shivers down his spine, ones that rolled over him and brought him warmth. At this moment they weren't looking at Andrew. They were looking at him.

He didn't know what to do, his mouth felt dry and his throat felt sore. They were looking at him so playfully, the sides of their eyes crinkled and their mouth in a grin.

"Yeah..." He trailed off, his voice characteristically quiet. They didn't seem to mind, instead they went to chat with him. His eyes drifted closed for a second as their banter filled his ears. This was perfect. When his eyes opened again he found that they were looking at him, their head tilted to the side a little. Andrew had a smirk on his face, a nasty glint in his eyes.

"Huh, sorry." He sputtered out, had they asked him something? In his rapture he hadn't been listening to them.

"I just wanted to ask you a question, that's all. Andrew and I are hanging out at mine tonight and I wanted to know if you wanted to come as well?" The air around them seemed to settle into a hush quiet. Andrew looked floored, his mouth open and his head turned in their direction.

"Wh-why?" Andrew stuttered, though he completely ignored him. He felt like he was soaring. He wouldn't let this opportunity go by.

He knew, he knew that they felt sorry for him. They had said so a few drinks in. Still, he felt special. Sitting on their couch as they sat next to him with their leg pressed against his side. Their head was resting against his shoulder, mutters leaving their mouth as they gazed off into the distance. Were they perhaps a lightweight?

His eyes widened a little as a hand pressed into his thigh. He looked down quickly, a flush crossing his face. Their hand was trailing lightly over his skin, a teasing look on their face. He felt lightheaded and his eyes threatened to flutter shut. He could also feel his breathing pick up, the thought of them being so close to him after all this time was making him excited.

His words caught in his throat. He wanted to confess.... he wanted to say that he had loved them for a while now. But, the words wouldn't come out. His gaze darted back to the hallway door that Andrew had disappeared into.

He was alone with them. His lower lip wobbled as he turned to look at them. Their eyes were unfocused but there seemed to be a mirthful look on their face, their fingertips hot on his skin. Hesitantly he brought his hand forth and let it rest over their own, plucking it from his skin and bringing it to his lips.

He pressed a dazed kiss there, letting his mouth linger on their hand as he took in their taste. The headiness of the beer they had been drinking seemed to have seeped into their skin. His breath came out in desperate puffs, he was touching them... he was kissing them.

He had to stop the laughter that wanted to escape from his mouth, finally he had gotten what he wanted. Their hand rested gently on his cheek as they titled their head upwards, their lips drawing closer to his own.

"Come on then sleepyhead, it's getting late and you're obviously drunk." The moment shattered as Andrew's voice cut through the silence. They groaned and threw themselves backwards, showing their discontent with the suggestion. His blood boiled, he had been so close and yet... Andrew had come between them again.

The other male had a snide smirk on his face as his eyes connected. He bit his lip, anger rising in him at the very sight of the other male. He had already gotten his turn, he had already spent time with them. It wasn't fair.

"Don't look so down James, there's always tomorrow." He felt the cutting laughter that came from Andrew's mouth. The mocking tone, the gleeful look, the way his arm wrapped around their waist as he guided them off the couch and to their room. He even felt the foundation of the house shake as their door slammed shut.

He sat there in silence, his body screaming at him to do something. To chase what was rightfully his, he wanted that feeling of connection back. He wanted to be next to them again, he wanted to feel their skin, their lips.

He was sick of it being just a fantasy.

[magicpotatoobsession]

GIVEN | The PECULIAR link between Paternal Idolisation and Music

I have noticed a peculiar link between a Given character's mental health and their relationship with their father, or lack thereof, and how that directly impact their approaches towards music and ability to bond with other people.

Within Given, three character tropes seem to apply:

1. Characters with a musical father tend to follow the path of music because some part of them idolised their father.

2. Characters without a father tend to idolise another male figure, regardless of whether it is appropriate to do so or not.

3. Given characters who have displayed an overt depression from a young age tend to use music as their only form of expression and emotional outlet for their pain.

I'll be referring to these throughout this blog so please keep them in mind!

For this meta, I'll be looking at specifically Ugetsu and Yuki.

But these tropes seem to apply to all the other characters as well so I’ll be sure to touch on them in future metas.

---

Ugetsu

Let's start with Ugetsu since we have more concrete knowledge on his character. So the first bit of family background we get about Ugetsu is through the metadata Chapter 21.5.

Although Ugetsu's father is alive and presumably well, his father is a diplomat and doesn't seem to be very present in Ugetsu's life at all. We also get a sense that from a very young age, due to growing up in a cold familial environment without tender-loving-care (TLC) from his parents, Ugetsu already had the early signs of depression, like what kind of kid "wants to die" and "was already chasing the feeling of dying"???!! From the looks of it, Ugetsu couldn't be more than 6-7 and he was already having thoughts like this???!! MY GOODNESS that poor child. 😭😭😭

So in according with Point 3 of the character tropes,

Ugetsu's depression and paternal abandonment was an overwhelming pain he had to deal with since he was a kid and it was through this Paul Simon's song that he discovered music. It was through the violin that he was able to admit to himself that

"wow, I want to die."

he is really depressed.

This directly parallels Mafuyu's experience of him not being able to admit to himself that he is lonely but only when he's finally on stage and singing, he was finally able to say to himself "I am lonely." Music is an emotional outlet for both Ugetsu and Mafuyu where they can be honest with themselves. This is actually a good thing though!

Being honest with oneself is actually the first step to healing!

Even though it took me a second to understand what was going on in that panel, it made me realise that the fact that Ugetsu is able to express his pain through music is how he has kept himself from going off the rails!

While music is essential to Ugetsu's survival, I'm almost certain that

Ugetsu picked music as his career as some form of a rebellion against his father as well.

Actually, it was @a-voice-of-my-own who brought this to my attention with his meta on Akigetsu. One clear sign is considering how Ugetsu comes from generational wealth, he absolutely doesn't have to live in his parent's basement, BUT HE CHOSE to do so as if to spite his father and grandfather for abandoning him.

---

I previously said in my Mirrors in Given Headcanons EXPLAINED blog that Ugetsu didn't idolize Akihiko but is just emotionally enmeshed with him. I'd like to retract that statement. Upon further revision, I actually think Ugetsu did in fact idolize Akihiko because

Ugetsu not only saw Akihiko as a lover but also as a paternal figure.

The moment Akihiko did this, Ugetsu felt this overwhelming love that he has NEVER EVER, presumably, received from his father or grandfather before. So not only did he seek a romantic love from Akihiko, he also started to become spoilt in the TLC that Akihiko provided for him.

You gotta realise that Akihiko and Ugetsu were both teenagers when they started dating. So Akihiko also being essentially a kid, enabled that behaviour and didn't call Ugetsu out because he also idolized Ugetsu. So even after they broke up, these old habits just kept carrying on into their "situationship".

According to our current frameworks of psychology, The Child-Parent Role partnership is incredibly toxic for relationships because there is an IMBALANCE OF POWER. For a relationship to work, both individuals have to have a good sense-of-self and be able to function independently as healthy adults while also be able to rely on each in times of need. Prolonged power-imbalance dynamic can lead to resentment from both partners. AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

So in relation to my Point 1 and Point 2,

Ugetsu took on the role of the child while Akihiko took on Paternal Figure even though they are both the same age.

Ugetsu's idolisation of Akihiko took form in the sense that he held Akihiko to an inappropriately high standard as a partner.

Ugetsu wanted to receive an unreasonable amount of TLC while he also wanted Akihiko to measure up to his violin skills so that Akihiko could truly understand Ugetsu and receive Ugetsu's expressions of love through music. But poor Akihiko was dealing with his own demons and suffocating under all of this pressure. Akihiko was just a kid.

Ugetsu, being incredibly enmeshed with Akihiko, seeing how much Akihiko was suffering, then in turn couldn't freely express himself in his music, having to hold back. That's why he says

"I want to be with him, I want to be with him, I want to be with him, but I'm in love with music."

From my standpoint as a musician, it's this loop of wanting Akihiko's TLC so bad but knowing how toxic his musical standards are for Akihiko are but also feeling suffocated by Akihiko's love for him. He was afraid of being loved by someone with such intensity because Ugetsu has been alone for so long, that's why he said in Chapter 16, "I should have just said I was happy." He also knew how much Akihiko was suffocating in their relationship cocoon now that Akihiko was completely dedicating himself to Ugetsu whilst also feeling inferior to Ugetsu. He himself was suffocating without being able to let out his emotions freely through music because he was enmeshed with Akihiko's negative emotions. I go into more detail about this toxic cycle and music in this meta about Akigetsu and Thaikovsky's Concerto in D.

So he tried to break up, he really did but ultimately couldn't because in a way for Ugetsu, pushing away Akihiko is akin to a child forcing himself to reject his loving father. And the pain Ugetsu felt was just too much so the toxic cycle began when from time to time, he couldn't help but come crawling back to seek Akihiko's comfort. Isn't it funny how the way Ugetsu behaved in the "situationship" were similar to repetitive rounds of childlike tantrums? Ugetsu was trying to do something that meant well for Akihiko, but he was never taught HOW to securely attach or detach from another human being. T_T

---

Many studies have shown the detrimental impacts on the absence of paternal figures and TLC in a child's life. Psychologist Edward Kruk Ph.D. summarises some keypoints and I think it'll be interesting to check that with Ugetsu's attributes:

Diminished self-concept and compromised physical and emotional security: constantly feeling abandoned, episodic bouts of self-loathing. - Ugetsu is completely in disarray without Akihiko Ugetsu overtly says how much he hates himself ✅

Behavioural problems: a persona to disguise their underlying fears, resentments, anxieties and unhappiness - Ugetsu is literally facade on top of facade ✅ Once again, he was putting Akihiko down to get Akihiko to hate him and leave, but deep in his heart he totally thinks very well of him.

Promiscuity: early sexual maturity - using sex as a way to feel needed by others, even after "breakup" with Akihiko ✅

Drug and alcohol abuse: Fatherless children are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, and abuse drugs in childhood and adulthood - ??? unsure about this one but he definitely smokes and drinks, not sure if he abuses them

Mental health disorders: anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. - duh ✅

Future relationships: Father-absent children tend to enter partnerships earlier, are more likely to divorce or dissolve their cohabiting unions - Ugetsu has anxious-attachment style where he feels abandoned but is also afraid of people getting close to him. Akigetsu literally moved in together straight out of highschool which is crazy early. ✅

Also this is very interesting, Akihiko and Ugetsu actually recall different versions of events. Ugetsu said this in Chapter 17 implying that Akihiko initiated the cohabitation arrangement:

It's not about who's version of events are right, but I found it interesting that both perhaps did not want to admit that they were so incredibly enmeshed with each other and toxic for each other, both idolising but also wanting to blame one another for how things turned out at this point in the story. There was a lot of love-hate. This is why by Chapter 27, I am so incredibly proud of them because they were finally able to let each other go. Akihiko said sorry and thank you while Ugetsu decided not to grab Akihiko, not to give into his own toxic reflexes (grabbing him then throwing him away), Ugetsu let him go for good.

------

Yuki

We actually know very little about Yuki's actual persona because as I mentioned in post about why the Given fandom is hung up about MafuYuki, the majority of the information we receive are second-hand recounts from other people of Yuki. (we probably won't know for certain until the Yuki-Ueno song). However, it's no coincidence that Ugetsu and Yuki are musical mirrors and foils of one another.

-> Of course, from here onwards in the meta, please be aware that what you will be reading is what I believe went on Yuki's head. These are MY INTERPRETATIONS based on the clues that Kizu has left us in the manga. <-

Yuki is actually fatherless and it's heavily implied that his father died at the hands of depression and suicide in Strawberry Swing Chapter 02 (ch 32.9),

Yuki's mother seem to imply that Yuki suffered from some sort of intergenerational transmission of depression. This is a real thing! Recently, more medical studies have shown that genetically, you can actually pass on depression and children of depressed parents are more likely to suffer from mental health disorders.

Cup Ramen 🍜 and Yuki's family circumstances

Both Yuki and his mother must have been relying on her single-parent income since Yuki's father died. We don't exactly know when it happened but from what I gathered, it must have been earliest before Yuki was born, latest when Yuki was still in primary. Since Mafuyu and Yuki have a very similar family set-up and according to Mafuyu's meta-data, he is from lower-middle class income family, I am assuming that Yuki is also around the same social-economic circumstances. I don't think it was a coincidence that Kizu had Yuki's mother mentioning that the day after he passed, Yuki's cup ramen orders came through. I think Kizu meant for the cup ramen to symbolise this 1) inexplicable weird sense of normalcy when one's dealing with grief while simultaneously showing 2) how frugal of a lifestyle Yuki and his mum led.

We gotta realise that not only was Yuki dealing with his own depression, but the moment that his father died,

Yuki felt like he had to step-up and become the man of the household for his mum.

In Chapter 7, while it may seem like he was just investing to buy a guitar (to Hiiragi and everyone else), I think the moment Yuki reached an appropriate working age, he was trying to help his mum pay the bills.

*Isn't it so interesting that in Strawberry String 03 (Ch 33.9), we see the cup ramen 🍜 getting referenced again. Of course, most people would make the instant connection to Yuki,

and that 1) connection is the most obvious one that Kizu wanted us to pick up. We could even take it a step further that because both mums, as Hiiragi said in Chapter 6, acknowledged MafuYuki's relationship, it could have been something that Mafuyu's mum and Yuki bonded over. In addition to that, I truly think it was also Kizu's subtle way of 2) highlighting the parallels between the two families' lower-middle income backgrounds.

----

Now, referring to Point 1 and Point 2 of the character tropes, I theorise that

Yuki idolized Mafuyu and may have seen Mafuyu as a paternal figure!

Let's refresh Point 1, Characters with a musical father and tend to follow the path of music because some part of them idolised their father. Point 2, Characters without a father tend to idolise another male figure, regardless of whether it is appropriate to do so or not.

Of course, Mafuyu and Yuki are the same age, so it is inappropriate for Yuki to see Mafuyu as a paternal figure. But Yuki couldn't help it. It was Mafuyu who started randomly humming tunes.

"You were often humming songs. That guy was always paying attention."

The flashback showed that the childhood squad were still in their middle-school uniforms when Hiiragi recalled this quote! And then Hiiragi in Chapter 9 pointed that it was only when they entered highschool that himself, Yuki and Shizu officially started to play music.

So I honestly believe Yuki decided to learn music literally for Mafuyu! 🤯🤯🤯

Fuck I'm gonna cry T_T

While Ugetsu's harsh, ironclad facade in the "situationship" was to instigate Akihiko to leave him, Yuki's facade was different. Yuki knew that Mafuyu has dealt with an abusive father so Yuki's paternal idolisation and enmeshment with Mafuyu comes in the form of

wanting to keep up a perfect facade for Mafuyu and those around him.

Yuki probably didn't want Mafuyu or anyone to worry about him so he felt like he HAD to be strong for everyone, including Hiiragi and Shizu.

In reference to Point 3,

Yuki, just like Ugetsu, uses music as a form of expression. Through being part of the band, he discovered that he can process his depression through his music and that's when Hiiragi became enamoured by Yuki's musical abilities. But of course, paired with the need to uphold a facade, he couldn't share his songwriting processes with Mafuyu. It's not finished, it's a vulnerable part of him, he couldn't show someone he idolised and loved so much something imperfect, something flawed.

------

Now let's talk about something interesting. What causes Yuki and Ugetsu to uphold a facade for different reasons and act differently towards their respective partner is actually because of one key thing.

💰MONEY💰

Kizu is so fucking brilliant.

She constantly highlights how social-economic circumstances of Given characters affect the way they behave.

Ugetsu comes from generational wealth. Ugetsu kept up a cheerful, nonchalant and ironclad facade to everyone else because he didn't want anyone, especially his father as an act of rebellion for abandoning him since he was kid, to find out how depressed he actually was. Then Akihiko saw through that facade. Ugetsu then couldn't help but seek Akihiko's TLC because literally money can buy everything else.

Yuki's facade came from wanting to be the pillar of social and familial environment he operated in. He wanted to provide the best, first experiences for Mafuyu. His lower social-economical background meant that he had to mature and take care of himself a lot quicker than most kids while his mum had to go to work. But the poor thing, Yuki is taking on a lot for a kid! Also notice these Yuki parallels with Akihiko? They are both kids having to assume too much financial responsibility from an early age, having to mature too fast, too soon.

Of course, Yuki the moment he entered high school, became more absent because of work and the band, and this caused Mafuyu to feel an incredible sense of abandonment. It was further exacerbated by Yuki, Hiiragi and Shizu being in a different school and being in a band together and it festered until Mafuyu snapped.

Mafuyu asking for more time together of course meant Yuki couldn't stop working because presumably he still had to help out with the bills so music's got to give.......

When Mafuyu said those angry words,

"Would you die for me then?"

For literally anyone else with a clear head, they would have known that those were angry words and not something that Mafuyu actually meant. However, Yuki's paternal idolisation of Mafuyu + his ongoing pressure uphold a perfect facade + with his own depression + a toxic amount of alcohol -> his thoughts processes might have been:

Yuki started music to impress Mafuyu

Music became Yuki's only emotional outlet for depression

Then Yuki, amidst his depression interpreted Mafuyu's angry words as having to "choose" between Mafuyu and music.

But the thing is it's always been Mafuyu. He started music for Mafuyu.

Yuki couldn't believe that all he worked for in music made Mafuyu wish he were dead so if Mafuyu was happier with him dead, then so be it. It was like Mafuyu finally gave him permission to go through with the suicidal thoughts he had always had for a very long time....

I honestly believe this is what went on in his head. 😭😭😭I think in due time, it'll be interesting to see what more Kizu will reveal to us about Yuki and I'm keen to see how much of my interpretation will match up to what Yuki's actually like.

---

Can I just say that I am not the biggest fan of Saeko-san, Yuki's mum..... It's a lot of pressure to put on a back then, 15-16 year-old Mafuyu to be Yuki's anchor like my goodness....But ok ok, Saeko did admit her mistakes and you just never know with these things so I'm gonna try and not blame anyone.....Depression is hard to navigate.....

Let's check Yuki's attributes with Psychologist Edward Kruk Ph.D's summary points....oh wow he fits like a glove T_T:

Diminished self-concept and compromised physical and emotional security: most likely ✅

Behavioural problems: a persona to disguise their underlying fears, resentments, anxieties and unhappiness - facade city for sure ✅

Promiscuity: having intercourse before the age of 16, early sexual maturity - Kizu strongly hints MafuYuki began a sexual relationship in early middle school ✅

Drug and alcohol abuse - sobbbs ✅

Mental health disorders: depression, and suicide - sobbbss ✅

Future relationships: Father-absent children tend to enter partnerships earlier - MafuYuki definitely had some sort of a relationship really early perhaps as early as when they were 12-13 I reckon. They couldn't help but search comfort in each other. ✅

In Conclusion,

1. Ugetsu idolized Akihiko and wanted Akihiko to desperately be on par with his violin skills. Yuki Idolized Mafuyu and I honestly believe started music to try and impress Mafuyu.

2. Their idolisations of their partners are inappropriate because they are basically kids who are all the same age and it created a power imbalance in both relationships, causing all parties to feel disconnected, suffocated and or abandoned. But it's not like something that they themselves were aware that they were doing. The lack of paternal presence paired with early onset depression caused them to project this idolisation onto their respective partners.

3. Ugetsu and Yuki both used music as their only form of emotional outlet. In front of basically anyone else, they upheld a facade. But they upheld a facade for different reasons and the way they bonded with their partner is also different because of their different social-economic circumstances.

@morievna also wrote a great comparison between Yuki and Ugetsu, it is totally worth checking out!

So now knowing all this, I have a theory...

Did Hiiragi perhaps see Yuki as a paternal figure?

more on that another time!

---

If you like what you read, all I post is basically Given analysis content. Give my blog a follow to be notified of future posts! #metapotato

Masterlist of my Given metas

[thinslxx]

Question plz interact if u can

OCD TW

So basically, I have severe OCD like really fucked to the point of not being able to tell what's real and what's not (cuz od intrusive thoughts and rituals). When I was younger I first started to get intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviour as in "something will happen if u change Ur bracelet" and random ass thoughts that I would obsess over. That's how it started but the issue is my cleaning rituals that are currently very bad and time consuming. But i sometimes look back and think where in the fuck did I get this. And then I pin pointed one instance where I was in a household of my friend that had family issues and she had pets too. No one cared enough to actually clean the house properly which I didn't care about ofc. I came to hang out and escape MY OWN household lmao. But anyways back to the topic at hand. I was in bed at her house, really late cuz my friend had fallen asleep. I was reading manga more accurately "Ten count" it's about a guy with mysophobia (?). And while I was reading just enjoying my time, one moment i was fine and the next a brand new✨ intrusive thought popped up and that thought was the first time that an intrusive thought was about cleaning/the cleanliness of the space I was around. Idk if it was like a trigger of some kind but this happens a lot, an intrusive thoughts connects and appears to what I'm doing atm. Thats when cleaning rituals started, at first I started being obsessed with hand sanitizer and felt like wherever people touched that it was "contaminated". But with time that eased and when it did thats when the washing/cleaning rituals started, from counting how many times I washed my hands to special ways I did it to showering and a lot more shit. Also all my rituals were HEAVILY done in private cuz I didn't want anyone to know. And literally a few years later I randomly wanted to re read ten count for the good old times of BL. And I was just chilling reading and then immediately a thought popped up and when simplified it literally states this "Ur OCD developed because of this manga. You faked it untill u made it. Attention whore"

And I just stood there for a second like hol up what😃. I'm pretty fucking sure a whole ass mental illness can't develop from that. Plus I was experiencing symptoms of OCD as a CHILD so before I even knew about that. And at the time the cleaning rituals were starting to manifest I later realised that the reason why I tried to mimick/create some type od cleaning ritual is because of an intrusive thought as well. It was that I didn't feel valid to have OCD without the cleaning. So another chain reaction. I consulted my therapist about it and she stated that usually rituals are created from intrusive thoughts. so an intrusive thought almost always comes first. Annnddd reading this made me realise how stupid all this is lmao. But it really hurts the intrusive thought about why my OCD developed. It makes me feel guilty and stressed and like I did this to myself and that. I'm a waste of time because of it. That I don't deserve anything and that I don't deserve help. But at the same time I'm professionally diagnosed (not only that but diagnosed 3 times by 3 different therapists all same diagnosis), I was told by my therapist that my OCD developed to to the sexual trauma i experienced as a child and the way I was brought up plus I know damn well that I'm embarrassed and that these rituals bring me harm. God I can even grow up to have skin issues and bone issues later in life cuz of the extent my cleaning rituals go and yet I can't fucking stop, no matter how hard I try I almost always come back to the start point.

Anyways i would really like to hear other ppls thoughts that are familiar with OCD or have OCD.

Lmao just realised that what I'm doing rn, that is seeking reassurance online is also a compulsion. My therapist mentioned this chain reaction once due to a diff situation bullshit bro, wow I love this disorder 😃

[queenlokibeth]

I just saw these dumbass posts by Harries and i'm real pressed by them and I have a lot to say.

1) most larries don't have an issue with jeff as far as i know, in fact he's given more freedom to harry than prior management did

2) at least for me, not liking camille or lizzo has literally NOTHING to do with larry. Camille is fucking weird, idolizes a serial killer and has defended rapists, and Lizzo makes comments that i would categorize as sexual harrassment. Louis could literally not even exist and these things would bother me just the same.

3) these people literally still take everything that we see at face value. It's not even about being a larrie, it's opening your eyes to this industry. It's PR, we see what we're supposed to see, relationships sell. It's literally been that way since decades before harry was even born, just open your eyes. And yes, management was fucking evil for overworking these boys, not letting niall have surgery, causing a ton of mental health issues on zayn, etc. You'll notice that it isn't just about larry.

4) all his friends don't sexualise him. You'll notice that his actual good friends have never done that. And also, pro tip, there is a difference between someone expressing that their friend is good-looking and sexualising them. These harries should probably learn it.

5) how do you know that he's not uncomfortable with her? Did you personally ask him? Honey i might not be great at maths, but if i add "my sex symbol status and the lustful attention that i receive make me uncomfortable" plus "his dick in my ass" joke plus immitating a blowjob to a video of harry dancing, i'd say that that highly suggests that he's not cool with it. Also, "they're friends"? Honey please maybe they were before she started pulling this shit, you do realise that friendships for publicity are also played up, right? They might be acquaintances at best.

6) yes i have had problems with harry's male friends making these kind of jokes, which to be honest hasn't happened much, if at all. When it's an interviewer making inappropriate questions, you're damn right i disapprove of it. This entire point is a fallacy.

7) if you think that "bullying" someone and "calling them out for wrongful behaviour" are the same thing, please seek help because you're likely a bully yourself.

All of their arguments are completely false. Absolute fallacies. They've made up their own version of larries and have villainized us in their heads to justify their own behaviour. They sexualize harry themselves and have some of the same behaviour that we like to call/point out and they're using this hatred towards a fictionalised version of this side of the fandom to justify their own shitty actions.

None of those things have anything to do with larry, it's because we care about harry as an individual, but they don't want to see that because it derails their narrative where they are the poor heros who are the only ones who care about harry while larries just fetishize him, or something. They'd have to face the reality that they actually treat their idol like a lump of meat for their own consumption while we actually see him as a person.

[cllynchauthor]

i'm 18 and starting to wonder if i could be autistic. i thought i had (social?) anxiety and apparently a lot of symptoms are similar? but i've also realised i'm mildly face blind and generally relate to a lot of autism symptoms. i'm considering getting assessed but worry about being seen as attention seeking. i think the things i experience aren't as severe as with most autistic people and also don't really know what the point would be. any advice? are there any benefits to being diagnosed?

I guess the question is whether diagnosis would help you in any way. If, for example, you have difficulty processing speech, a diagnosis might help you get accommodations in university.

Others avoid diagnosis since they feel it might limit their prospects or affect them negatively.

The autistic community is aware of the downsides of diagnosis as well as the challenges that face adults especially afab adults at getting a late diagnosis if they didn’t not receive one in childhood.

We know more than anyone that people think autism = flapping and no eye contact and even diagnosed autistics are often challenged regularly and accused of faking. People seem to struggle with the whole “it’s a spectrum” thing.

So you are welcome either way.

Either is fine. But diagnosis gets a lot more complicated and difficult - trust me I’m trying and I am not finding it easy - after 18 so it’s worth looking into now.

The first step would be to look at actual diagnostic criteria, though, and see if you fit. Check out the DSM V criteria for autism.

In summary, in order to be autistic, you need to fit three criteria:

1. So you struggle with social interaction especially conversation? This could be tendency to interrupt, difficulty understanding unspoken rules of polite conduct, challenges with figurative language etc. If people often confuse you with not meaning what they say or if people close to you complain that you are passive aggressive when you didn’t intend to be, interrupt when you didn’t think you were interrupting, or say you aren’t paying attention when you are, these things would count.

2. Restricted interests and patterns of behaviour. If you get all-consumingly obsessed with things to the point where your loved ones comment on how obsessed you are or accuse you of talking too much about it or try to restrict your access to it because it strikes them as unhealthy, this would be a sign. You may also have a love of repetition and routine and get upset if your routines are disrupted. For example you might like to eat the same thing day after day (called “samefooding” by the community) or always dress in a certain order and get upset if someone wants you to do it differently.

3. Sensory stuff - this can range from extreme repetitive fidgeting, like rubbing fabrics between your fingers non-stop or waving your fingers over your eyes, to oversensitivjty or undersensitivity to certain kinds of sensory stimuli.

If you don’t meet all three in some way or another then you may not have autism. People with just the sensory stuff may have sensory processing disorder for example or people with communication problems but no obsessions or stims might have social communication disorder.

You also won’t qualify for diagnosis if you don’t require support. I personally went under the radar for a long time because I was so well supported by my family (and then romantic partner) that my difficulties didn’t really show in an obvious manner. It was only once I lost those supports that everything went off the rails.

Social anxiety is common in autism but unlike social anxiety in a neurotypical person, it isn’t irrational.

While NTs with social anxiety live with extreme fear of social embarrassment, autistic people know that they are genuinely out of their depth when interacting with others and have been scolded/told they are doing it poorly so often that now it stresses them out.

I was always confused about my social anxiety. Because I’m not in general a socially anxious person.

I am comfortable with public speaking and will strike up a conversation with strangers without thought if I have reason to do so. Social anxiety quizzes score me low. I don’t see why having a stranger listen to me having a phone conversation would make me more stressed about said conversation, for example.

And yet I won’t go to a new place on my own, especially if it’s a new type of social interaction, like going for a massage for the first time or ordering fast food from a place with a menu I’m unfamiliar with.

I also hate phone comversations and meeting new people at parties. In fact interacting with unfamiliar people period iis awful and I hate it especially if it goes beyond “nice weather” type interactions that I can run off of scripts.

Now that I understand that I’m autistic, this makes sense - I’m not afraid of embarrassment particularly I’m just really not equipped to manage social interactions easily especially if I don’t have a script for them.

Phone conversations stress me out because they are hard and I am not good at them. I don’t care if someone is listening because that doesn’t affect that actual interaction going on. Like the phone convo is still hard whether or not someone else is listening in.

Anyway, I’m just a fiction author so I’m hardly an authority on the subject but I hope you find this helpful and good luck!

[notthatborderline]

Thoughts on my recent diagnosis and self stigma amongst PDs

At the moment, I'm busy navigating the minefield of stigma around BPD as my diagnosis.

If you look at my therapeutic history, you will see that at the age of 14, I entered CAMHS (Child/Adolescent Mental Health Services for those who do not live in the UK). There followed a period of CBT in my first year of university, which I did not respond well to.

After a failed attempt in my 20s to seek counsel for my sexual assault (the one that I knew about and was sober at, the other I cannot disclose as it is technically a legal matter), I wound up abroad in a three year psychotherapy shortly before my course ended. It was there that I recieved my provisional diagnosis in 2020 whilst waiting for my ED treatment, shortly before the pandemic.

Being honest about the places that my own mental illness/health has taken me to is helpful, in that it enables me to recognise that yes, I've been a right softarse in my life, and that needs to change. It also makes me realise that people from my past weren't the people who I thought they were. In recognising people's need to be the centre of attention (my own included), I can also leap less to the defensive because I know that it can be a negative trait of mine.

Social media is hella good for detecting this need for validation. As part of my studies I have examined the dopamine reward effect from Macit and Güngör (2018) in terms of Facebook likes and comments in relation to internet addiction. While it can to some degree be argued that internet addiction is not real per se, our need for validation through social media is seemingly vital in order to build our online identity.

My known addictions as previously mentioned, were sex and spending. I didn't use drugs as much, but I did smoke the odd joint at times. My alcohol dependency during the time of my promiscuity helped me to numb the pain of my first sexual assault - but what I didn't know that it also led me into some very dangerous situations, and I am now sober. As for the spending, yes, it is good to treat yourself now and then. When you're on state benefits though and awaiting a decision on your UC (Universal Credit) claim, and self funding your degree, you learn the other extreme of frugality - a survival mechanism adopted from your childhood.

I'm not going to say that psychotherapy "saved" me. Nope. What "saved" me was my resilience. My absolute stubbornness to confront myself. Yes, I may be a shit at times, so yeah, hold me accountable for my fuck ups. But unless you are able to do so without looking at your own, then yeet yourself kindly out of my life. I am very much a reflctive individual, with an introverted, feeling and judging personality (thank you Carl Jung), and I do not take kindly to people who have a superiority complex, or who are overly extroverted. But that isn't to say that I won't encounter these individuals - because I didn't choose my disorder. It chose me, and I have to deal with those who come my way.

I get that some of us have a victim complex as a result of our trauma. We wouldn't be who we are without that. But what I'm seeing amongst one person whose experience with BPD has informed them to be some sort of expert about the condition is a pigeonholing of all sufferers into one group. And that is frightening to me. It makes me feel this person is using their personality disorder as their weapon to be mean to others, to somehow absolve themselves of any accountability in the process.

Since my diagnosis - my advice to people is to educate themselves. I accept my behaviours can be destructive - but has it stopped me from growing as a person and settling down into a stable relationship? Nope. Because in your head, the image of someone with BPD is of a dangerously manipulative individual who tells lies for sympathy. While that may be the image that you have, it is an equally dangerous one to perpetuate.

This person has really boiled my piss, as they seemingly have no idea of how BPD actually is apart from a few anecdotes, and their empirical evidence may be right in parts, but it sets a preachy tone which demonises BPD and the people who suffer with it. So I'm going to bed before they accuse me of libel, which they did a few years back 🤦

[thedreadvampy]

I assume that my abortion (in England) was allowed under the clause which allows for abortion in the case of severe mental health risk to the parent, on account of I tried to kill myself

anyway that might actually make my experience even more abhorrent. bc that means that it was in my notes that I was psychologically fragile and they still made seeking medical attention one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, second only to dealing with the welfare system. but my point stands. as British feminists we can recognise how fucked up it is what's happening to abortion rights in the US and Poland and elsewhere but also. maybe let's not be complacent.

bc I had legal access to a hospital abortion on the NHS, I had family support, I wasn't working (I was a student), I was technically a teenager but I was a legal adult, I had no doubts about abortion being the right choice, and I didn't have any preexisting physical health issues that made it more dangerous. and the prevalence of anti-abortion sentiment in the healthcare profession made it phenomenally dangerous and traumatic all the same.

like I am writing this post bc I've realised that the idea of going back into hospital for reproductive health reasons (cervical cancer screening, nothing to do with pregnancy or fertility) is actively making the bottom drop out of my stomach. I haven't felt safe going to a doctor in a decade. it's fucked me all the way up.

and that's a legal abortion which I wanted to have with 100% certainty. if I had been treated like that when it was a pregnancy I on any level wanted to keep, or if I'd had to jump through legal hoops to get it, or if I hadn't had my mum not only supporting my decision but actively there with me witnessing and telling me how fucked up their behaviour was, I do not know what I would have done. I don't know where I'd be now. bc I was so lucky to need an abortion in a situation where I could freely and legally access one, where I had full support and care from my family and friends in my decision, where I could travel to the hospital two hours away and didn't have to go and come back bleeding alone on the train, etc etc. in terms of how I was treated by doctors, too, you know, I'm white, I'm cis, I'm middle class, I wasn't homeless, I'm a native born British citizen, I was young enough to inspire sympathy but not young enough to get the Ten Pregnancy stigma...

like as usual with the traumatic interactions I've had with systems, I came in on the Luckiest Possible Terms. and it still fucking destroyed me because there is so much violence in how the system is allowed to work. like nurses have actively got free rein to let whether patients get care or support be dependant on their own personal feelings about the patient and their situation and look I understand that care professions are hard emotional labour. but neglect or disdain for a patient, even if they get the practical medical care they need, is fucking devastating.

like as a patient you are so vulnerable and as a nurse or doctor or is Literally Your Job to care for patients' wellbeing. that means doing the bare minimum to make sure people are less, not more, traumatised and harmed by getting medical care than by not getting it. even if you're morally opposed to what they're doing (in which case you shouldn't be involved in providing it). even if they aren't responding how you think they should. even if you think, personally, they're a horrible cunt. you still have to treat them as someone who matters and who deserves care because That's What Your Work Is Fucking For.

hang the fuck on I was just about to make a post saying that the UK is very complacent about abortion rights given that legalising abortion isn't the end of the fight, it's just a hugely necessary step, and using the example of how badly treated I was during my own abortion to demonstrate that there's still a problem as long as anti abortion sentiment is so live in the public discourse that medical professionals feel able to bring their anti abortion stances into how they treat vulnerable patients (I was left alone going through a 2nd trimester induced miscarriage for FOUR HOURS!!! my mum was in the hospital for 8 hours waiting and they wouldn't let her see me!!!!! they didn't feed me between 9:30am and 6pm, and when I asked for painkillers they told me to stop making a fuss!!!! every single person I saw called me irresponsible and selfish to my face!!!!!)

anyway I WAS going to make that post. but I just found out ABORTION ISN'T ACTUALLY LEGAL IN THE UK so post cancelled I guess the degree of complacency we have in this country is even less justified.

(it's legal on medical or socioeconomic grounds up to 24 weeks in England, and I think only on medical grounds in Scotland? and on the same terms, but also for any reason in the first 12 weeks, in NI, because Northern Irish activists have done a boss as hell job springing NI law from being decades behind to well ahead of UK law on several points in the last decade.)

[helshades]

Far from me to use the crude tumblr speech but, here I have to say, I believe you're "reaching" quite a bit. As much as i agree that a lot of people involved in fandom(s) have… unusual… taste… I'm skeptical about the idea that sexual fantasies have much to do with political or belief systems. One fantasy can be more or less encouraged, sure, but overall, the big ol' classics stay in fashion. Usually a variant of "what if something that's supposed to be horrible happened… and I liked it???"

Human beings are bizarro primates, after all, and if left to their own devices in the company of most inanimate objects, will probably try to either eat it or have sex with it, it’s true. Add to this the fact that bodice-ripping novels have been a thing for way too long for many of fandom’s twistier fantasies to look that new (although you can bet your sceptic arse that the whole Alpha-Beta-Omega item is a strictly postmodern horror) and you’re quite right in assuming that in spite of numerous variants, overall fannish forays into Sigmund Freud’s censored nightmares aren’t that original. On the other hand…

Nevertheless, I’ll contradict you on a few points:

When I was sardonically linking fandom’s most hive-minded tendencies to a certain state of contemporary society, and I used the term ‘liberalism’, I wasn’t either announcing my conversion to Trumpism or alluding to a system of beliefs, rather to a structural phenomenon pervasive in our Western societies—and one must never forget that politics is by essence a res publica: civic life, what is common to all in the public space, and on which all can operate equally provided that they concert… Fiction doesn’t happen in a vacuum, it reflects a great part of our current preoccupations, personal ones indeed, but also ones we’ve absorbed from social osmosis, you might say.

Liberalism in Occident isn’t a mere set of political beliefs so much as the default structure of our respective and common economies, dictating the way States interact with one another in regards to a common market. This is capitalism triumphant, where in the initial idea resisting absolutism has long dissolved into pretty antisocial individualism as social constraint has come to be perceived as the worst kind of oppression possible. This has to be conjugated with the rise of consumer society—which, symptomatically enough, doesn’t have a Wikipedia page—in the 1960s, whose core issue is that the desire for consumption eventually overrides most ethical principles.

Economy completely informs social interactions, and that includes the way we educate children, actually. Did you know that an entire social phenomenon and bona fide psychological condition happens to be a direct consequence of mass consumption? In French we know this as the ‘kid king’ issue, what happens when a whole society is encouraging parents to spoil and coddle children so much that they grow into adults incapable of handling frustration, or indeed any type of adversity. Bear with me, because this is actually fascinating:

▬ Human beings are in a way programmed to seek pleasure and flee discomfort; they instinctively seek to fulfil basic needs, and once these are satiated, try to find as much comfort as possible. Any human infant and young child is ruled by this principle of pleasure, and the role of education is to basically teach children the reality principle, that they aren’t alone in life, that others exist and have to be taken into account, that impulses have to be controlled; this is done essentially by setting limits for the little child not to cross. Balance between the two principles is paramount to the construction of the self.

▬ Psychological resilience pioneer Boris Cyrulnik commented on the fact that if animals regularly abused in their infancy tend to find themselves as adults at the bottom of the social scale since they’ve acquired a certain aptitude for subjection, those never exposed to aggression tend to stand outside the group because of their inaptitude to participate in socialising rituals. Yet, adversity is absolutely needed to set sane limits to one’s behaviour: deprived of any real frustration, a child will grow up still believing himself omnipotent, becoming hedonistic, selfish, egotistical; throwing tantrums at any opposition. Typically, these children end up suffering from attention disorders—with or without hyperactivity—anxiety issues, oppositional disorders…

▬ This is also an unplanned consequence of widespread contraception, as most children nowadays are born of the

desire

of their parents to have them meaning that family no longer makes the children as much as a child makes a family; the main problem being that as the immutable centre of his parents’ attention, a child tends to become a perpetual consumer of everything that a society of mass consumption is ready to provide to keep him sated in his own desires. French psychologist (specialist of cognitive immaturity) Didier Pleux listed the ‘five Os’ of the overattentive parents: overconsumption, overstimulation, overestimation, overprotection and overcommunication; the parents will spoil their child with toys and sometimes food, seek to keep him busy at all times because boredom is perceived as yet another form of violence (but it is crucial in the development of creativeness), laud every single of his realisations, prevent him from making any real effort and prioritise his expression (letting him interrupt others when they speak, for instance) at all times.

▬The thing is, contemporary society harasses all of us with the injunction to consume, perpetually, at every opportunity, and in the case of good-willed parents it furnishes with the means to spoil their children just as advertisement convinces them that if they don’t cater to their every supposed need, they’ll be bad parents.

▬The phenomenon, because that type of behaviour, essentially consumerist, was being so encouraged by the rise of neoliberalism (a more aggressive form of that rapidly-globalising capitalism), quickly snowballed into public education, and I can tell you, most especially because I used to teach for a living, that in France a whole educative system got based on the notion that collective education would be better off if it was made to cater to the personal needs of pupils—but this is a can of worms to be opened on another day, preferably one when my cold has abated and I’ve stopped sneezing my brain away all over my keyboard.

Believe it or not, I’m not digressing that much. We are the grandchildren of the first mass consumers and the kid-king phenomenon is a Generation Y thing. My generation is having children of its own. Most importantly, this is the generation that got to grow up with the Internet first, meaning that we were born in a very, very different world. You noted that fandom fantasies aren’t really unheard of and I concur, but I’d argue that the Internet allowed for fantasies to be shared on a massive scale and amplified into becoming cultural phenomena that have much to do with group emulation. Psychologically and sociologically, it’s pretty fascinating, too: there is this uncanny collection of intensely personal feelings, really intimate stuff, stuff that used to be considered private (for some good reasons and a couple bad ones as well, I suppose), now exposed very publicly on the ground basis that the Internet preserves a certain anonymity—which isn’t untrue, mind you, unless you carelessly sign into one of those many websites and applications that syphon your data and manipulate your online browsing, but I digress again (if only a bit).

Sexuality has become incredibly public, as of late. Let me remind you that there are political movements asking governments to give an official status to their sexual habits (or lack thereof, in the case of ��asexuality’) or, more aggressively, their feelings. Sorry, folks, but that’s the whole basis for the ‘transgender’ movement, and as far as I’m concerned people may live as they choose but I’m not entirely certain that the State has a rightful place in this? Anyway, the frontier between ‘private’ and ‘public’ has been melting, unfortunately so, and most of this must have to do that Western societies have been considerably depoliticised over the last few years, inasmuch as we’ve been rapidly losing our means of popular representation, decent public information, or generally civil services, due to an overabundance of capitalism, precisely.

Sex in fanfiction… it’s not quite sex in fiction, either. Oh, granted, there’s quite enough raunchy literature out there to make you doubt, but the particularity of fanfiction is that most works are an ongoing affair between an author and her readers, who often swap places, very much informed by public demand, meant to cater to very specific desires. In that, it’s not too different from many a published novel, albeit not the best ones probably, only fanfiction is… unbridled. But that’s not actually the point.

The point is, simply, that fanfiction is a cultural product issued from a certain period in time and it reflects part of the expectations of a society; because its producers are mostly young women, it has a lot to tell on the mechanisms of a modern young woman’s psyche—I can tell you it contains a lot of misogyny, for one, if not even gynecophobia…—but it also proposed a certain picture of the modern world that acts a little too much as a two-way mirror for my intellectual comfort. It’s not that every single writer of a Baby-Daddy kinkfic is going to develop paedophilic tendencies growing up, but one, although one mustn’t indulge in full-blown paranoia either, one absolutely has to consider the fact that sexual pleasure is the most powerful incentive out there. For realsies, I mean, it’s actually one of the most prominent arguments to be made against pornography, because we know its devastating neurological effects for regular consumers, who rapidly become incapable of dissociating the unrealistic portrayal, notably, of women, to the detriment of all real-life relations and rapports male consumers of porn could have with women. Sex rewires the brain with exceptional efficiency, because it’s linked directly to our reward system and programs us to want more of the pleasurable thing.

I assure you there’s no pearl clutching in remarking that pornographic fiction written by fans can have enormous influence on the budding sexuality of young people in a day and age where we have this paradoxical relationship to sexuality as a social concept: on the one hand, it’s absolutely everywhere and even children can’t escape it, since magazines and clothings brands do their worst to groom them into mini-pimps, sexy baby Barbie dolls and overall future (antisocial) disasters; on the other hand, we seem to have somehow revolved into the most shameful anti-intellectualism possible, and nobody needs to bother being rational anymore, and adults make desperate attempts to look like kids for fear of growing old, and they act like it, too.

I’m ending this long-arse comment on an anonymous post just sent to me, which is bound to ignite some… conversation as well:

I’m reluctant to make this point publicly for a myriad of reasons (mostly my own cowardice), but I think the then-concurrent rise of the Brony fandom, more specifically futa porn and its prevalence in adult male MLP “fans” has had a larger impact on current transwoman narratives.

I’ll be waiting patiently on the sides with a hot drink to see my followers count drop again, I reckon.

[stimtoybox]

K look I've been needing a second opinion on this. I'm neurotypical, besides maybe a bit of hereditary ADD... but I use stim toys. Chew necklaces, weighted stress balls, and Tangles. I don't shame neurodivergent people for stimming, but is my stimming valid??? I read all of these blogs about how neurotypical people shouldn't stim because they shame others for less common stims, but am I included in the valid side of stimming?

First: hug, because this couldn’t have been easy to ask.

This is a little complicated, and I think every stim blogger has a different approach to this, so you might well get a different answer if you go around asking all the people!

Mine is this: if you need to stim, you’re probably not neurotypical. How not neurotypical, or in which way you’re not neurotypical, is none of my business, and it’s up to you if you care to pursue that further. (You could be just neurodiverse enough that you don’t need much in accommodations besides stim toys. You could be unaware because you’ve learnt a great deal of coping and masking skills. Many possibilities, here.) I take the need for stimming as an indication that your brain is more like mine than a NT brain, because I don’t see NTs need to stim.

There’s a difference, a wide difference, between NT fidgeting and stimming, for all that they often use the same tools, processes and movements. Stimming - which is also often called fidgeting - is a need. Sometimes purposeful, sometimes unconscious, often enabled or enhanced by toys, but the difference between it and NT fidgeting is that it isn’t idle and isn’t done for a moment or two before the stimmer loses interest. (Switching toys isn’t losing interest.) My mum admires my stim toys, but she picks them up for a moment, fiddles with them and puts them down again before continuing the conversation. They don’t hold her attention; she doesn’t need them. My dad - and I’d bet everything I own, as an autistic, that he is undiagnosed autistic - picks up my Tangle and twists it for ten minutes straight while talking. The difference between them is fairly profound and entirely unconscious; neither realise what they’re telling me.

If you only stim while at the dentist to cope, that’s neurodiverse behaviour. If you stim in the supermarket because it’s noisy and you can’t even, that’s neurodiverse behaviour. If you chew because it helps you think and concentrate better while writing essays, that’s neurodiverse behaviour. If you chew because it feels right in a way you can’t explain, that’s neurodiverse behaviour.Given the immense pressure for people to conform to neurotypical behaviour, it’s quite likely there’s many people who stim who are neurodiverse in some way and don’t (yet) realise it. Given the stigma (ableism) associated with so many of the labels for which one might stim, it’s understandable if people repress parts of themselves and don’t realise their own neurodiversity. As a teenager, my autistic friends (and parents of autistic friends, for that matter) told me I was autistic, but all I knew were the awful messages about autistic people and I rejected that label like woah. It took ten years and someone with a professional title (and growth on my part, including awareness of my own various other disabilities) for that label to be given to me and mean something to me.

(And I only accepted it after coming onto Tumblr and reading about autistic people’s experiences and seeing how much they were also mine. Even then, only recently have I been able to stop going, “Yes, but I don’t have meltdowns, so I’m not that kind of autistic” and go, “Actually, I smash my fists into my desk, screech incoherently, throw items and I bit people as a kid, so I do have meltdowns and I am that kind of autistic”. Seriously, do people understand just how abhorrently, awfully ableist that thought process is? Like I don’t even want to include it and I probably wouldn’t if I weren’t making a point, that’s how ableist it is! We internalise ableism, even when we’re of the group in question. All of us.)

I know others will disagree with me, but my thesis is that stimming is neurodiverse behaviour, and people who seek it out and have a need to stim are more likely to be neurodiverse themselves instead of neurotypicals adopting stimming. And we, regardless of how we consider ourselves, need to understand the role ableism plays in disconnecting people from their own neurodiversity, because it is truth that we are under great pressure to mimic allism and neurotypicality. (Is that the word? Neurotypicality?) It is also truth that some neurodiverse people are also able to accomplish, with great effectiveness, this mimicry. So much so that they don’t know their own brain themselves.

So what I’m saying is this: we need to be careful when it comes to ranting about neurotypical folk who stim. They’re very likely us.

My problem with neurotypicals in stim spaces is more connected with, say, OTs talking about their clients’ experiences as though that’s useful to us over neurodivergent people who stim talking about their experiences. The other concern is with NT people who love the pretty kinetic sand or slime videos - NTs who approach stimming from an aesthetic-only standpoint. (As in there is an absence of need and a deliberate filtering of stims based only on aesthetic.) Stimming as an aesthetic is appropriation: taking something that is language, communication, expression and identity of a minority group or groups and reducing it to “things I like that look pretty” for NT view is harmful and ugly. (I am not saying this is true of all visual stimmers. Not for a moment.) If you’re neurotypical and you (hypothetical you, not the asker) are stimming for aesthetic reasons and you’re not actively boosting neurodiverse voices and looking to challenge your own ableism (including knowing that you take a back seat in stimming spaces and conversations), I’ve got to say that I am deeply uncomfortable with you in my space.

So, I think an NT using stim toys is not inherently shaming, although part of my position might come from my belief that you’re likely as neurodiverse as I am and I’ll assume that you are. If you are boosting neurodivergent-identified voices, if you’re actively contributing to combating the stigma about stimming, if you’re listening to neurodivergent people, there’s nothing shaming about it.

I think my answer is this: NTs are welcome in my space, and if they want to talk to me about exploring the ways in which they may not be NT, my inbox is open. I will never, never take stimming away from them. But I ask NTs (or people who identify as NT) to be considerate, too, and be willing to take a back seat in conversations and listen to/support ND folk. I ask NTs to be aware that I will prioritise the experience of ND folk when it comes to talking about the stim experience, given that our authority and experience is seldom prioritised in any mainstream space. I ask you to stim thoughtfully, with awareness about ableism and how it impacts us. I ask you to stim with respect for people who do the very dangerous thing of identifying, publicly, as neurodiverse.

I am not here for telling someone not to stim.