#And that was very discouraging and gave me writer's block

[princescar]

Writing while I'm in between moving and while I'm away from my son (read: tablet)

[honnelander]

go fish! part 5 snippet (let's try this again)

so after scrapping what i had, i had serious writer's block and a severe lack of motivation... i kinda felt discouraged but everyone was SO sweet to me and gave me so much encouragement, i was (and still am) so touched!! you all are seriously the best and i'm happy to say that i am finally working on part 5 as we speak :))

i don't want to promise anything, but you all have been sooo patient with me, so here's a little under 300 words of go fish! part 5. sometimes, you don't need a lot of words to get a point across... so here's a little taste:

(disclaimer: this work is unfinished, unedited, and can also not make it into the final product (even though i’m very certain it will))

Sanji was getting desperate.  

The longer he went without telling you he loved you, that he was completely enamored with every part of your entire soul and being, that your existence gave him a reason to live and keep on breathing, the more he felt himself go absolutely insane.  

He felt like a little kid on Christmas morning, sitting in front a mountain of presents but not being able to open them because it ‘wasn’t time to open them yet’, and that’s exactly how he felt with his situation with you: there was nothing more he wanted to do than to tell you he was in love with you, but he knew that it wasn’t the right time yet. He didn’t want to just flat out say ‘I love you’ while you both were doing some rudimentary task or chore, or offhandedly one night while you both were doing the dishes after supper, he wanted something more than that, something special and extravagant.  

You were the love of his life, and you deserved everything under the sun and more, so he wanted to make this very intimate and private moment between you two as special as he could, and that required some serious planning and patience on his part.  

So, after his conversation with Nami a few days ago, her letting him vent out all of his frustrations and apprehensions he had with her, practicing saying those three special words numerous times so when the moment was right with you, they would just roll off the tongue, and some planning, he was ready to confess his feelings to you. 

But something was wrong. Something wasn’t right.  

You were avoiding him and he had absolutely no idea why. 

[healmydesires]

forever in your eyes (j.m)

pairing: joel miller x fem!reader

summary: It wasn’t like you hadn’t dated before. You had been on plenty of dates since you’ve been in Jackson, too many actually, you’ve even been in a semi serious relationship, but unfortunately, nobody had really charmed their way into your heart like they were supposed to. You’ve never been in love, always thought that falling in love wasn’t meant for you. Until one day, you meet a certain grumpy man.

genre: fluff + romance + angst + smut (18+ mdni)

word count: 15k+

tags/warnings: age gap (reader is 27, joel is in his early 50’s), takes place post s1, very minimal use of y/n, soft!joel tbh, kinda shy!reader… at least with joel, flirty joel, joel deserves to be loved, assumed unrequited love from both sides, reader described as shorter than joel, mutual pining, inexperienced/virgin!reader, unprotected sex, piv sex, loss of virginity, soft!dom joel, sub!reader, vaginal fingering, oral (f!receiving), joel has high key an oral fixation, kinda pleasure!dom?, multiple orgasms, creampie, some breeding kink, overstimulation, size kink, joel is huge… literally packing oof, lots of pet names (darlin, sweetheart, angel, baby girl, etc.), reader has a sister (named emilie, so if that’s your name I’m so sorry 😭😭😭 you can imagine another name then 🥺. I didn’t want it to be y/s/n because that would be so annoying to write imo).

a/n: this is my first joel fic. this is kinda more soft tbh… might be a bit oc? I don’t know but I love it. It’s pretty self indulgent !!! I’ve always loved writing but I got a lot discouraged in the past, giving up on it. I was inspired to start writing again by some of my favourite writers @joelmama and @joelscruff. also english is like my third language so please be nice/gentle with me. do not give me unsolicited advice pls <3 anyways! I hope you enjoy it 🥺

please don’t forget to interact, reblog or let me know if you read/loved it! <3 thank you ily 🥺

AO3 ● playlist

You knew you had feelings for Joel Miller. You’ve always liked and cared for him, even when you first met.

You still remember the day you met him. Clear as day.

It was such a warm and beautiful day, like a year and a half ago. The sun was beaming down on you as you were reading a book that you found on one of your trips outside Jackson — on your front porch of your house. The blowing mid-summer wind was hitting your face, cooling, as if to apologise for the almost unbearable heat that Jackson was currently subjected to. The soft breeze was caressing your skin and hair making the heat a lot more bearable as you enjoyed the day.

You were so immersed in your book that you didn’t hear the people approaching you until there was a shadow descending over the pages of your book. Someone was standing in front of you, their body blocking the sun.

“Yes?” You said with a smile without looking up from your book.

“I would like to introduce you to some people.”

The voice belonged to Tommy. Tommy Miller.

Your eyes widened at that, and you looked up from your book and saw that there were two other people behind Tommy looking down at you.

“I’m sorry,” you said before you cleared your throat, giving them a sheepish smile before standing from your lounger, shielding your eyes from the sun to get a better look at the strangers in front of you.

A teenager gave you a polite smile as she introduced herself. As you gave her your name in return you finally noticed the man next to her, gave you a curt nod when you locked eyes with him. He had a broad build, dark eyes and brown peppered hair. You assumed he was around the age of fifty and you couldn’t help but find him incredibly handsome.

“This is Ellie and my brother,” Tommy smiled as he gestured to both people next to him. “They’re your new neighbours.��

You knew Tommy had an older brother but you didn't know what you had been expecting. Maybe someone less handsome. As you continued to take him in you realised you were staring. You felt your body becoming more warm as you felt him stare back at you.

“How’s it going? I’m Y/N.” You gave him a small smile as you stepped forward to extend a hand out to the man.

"Hello," he repeated your name with a deep southern accent, which did nothing to calm your racing heart. You don’t think you’ve ever heard a voice that attractive in your entire life and it made heat flood to your cheeks. His hard expression melted into a more soft one as he took your hand in his. "I’m Joel, how’s your bench going?”

Your eyes widened at his words, “My bench? How did you—”

“We saw you through the living room window earlier this morning or more like Joel did.” Ellie, the teenager said with a huge grin on her face.

“Ellie.” He warned under his breath. His ears turned red and the two of them began to argue in hushed whispers, but your mind was elsewhere as panic began to set in.

Oh my god. He noticed me?

You grew embarrassed as you realised that he saw you struggle to fix that old bench on your porch. You’re painfully aware of how clumsy you are and that you’re not handy at all but you don’t like to ask other people for help. It was not because of your pride or any of that sort, you’d hate to burden someone else with your issues, so you mostly keep trying to fix things yourself.

"Oh yeah..." You said, looking back towards the bench that has been the bane of your existence these past few days. Your words effectively pulled Joel and Ellie out of their current argument. "It's a bit broken and needs some fixing."

Joel just looked at you for a moment before speaking up again. “You know, if you want, I could come check it out?”

You felt your cheeks heat up again at his offer and you glanced over at Tommy. “Uhm…”

“We both used to be contractors back in the day, so if you ever need anything repaired or something built, we are your people. Well… Joel specifically.” Tommy laughed.

“Oh, that’s cool. I think I’m good for now though, I don’t need any help but thanks for offering.” You declined politely with a small smile. You knew you could use their or his help with repairing the bench, but you didn’t want to burden anyone. And the older brother was already making you feel flustered, you didn’t want to make a fool out of yourself when you just met.

“Alright, you know where to find me if you change your mind.” He gave you a small but genuine smile before the three of them walked away from you.

As they walked away, you released a breath you didn't realise you were holding. The hammering of your heart only registering as the distance grew between you. You felt a bit of disappointment once they were gone, a sense of longing setting in your heart as you thought about the tall and older man that you know you’ll grow to care for.

—

“God damn it. Work with me please.” You grumbled as you tried to fix one of the loose wooden planks of the bench. Sweat was dripping down your forehead as you concentrated on your task at hand. You were on the floor, crouched underneath the bench you were so desperately trying to repair. You’ve been trying to put it off for a couple of weeks now but you knew you couldn’t keep doing that. You knew you should ask someone for help but you didn’t want to give up just yet. Curse words wouldn’t stop leaving your mouth as you struggled. “Fuck.”

“I didn’t take you as a girl that could curse like a sailor.” A low and deep but still soft voice resounds behind you.

“Ah shit!” you gasped as you heard the voice behind you. You’d smacked your head on the edge of the bench when you’d startled at the sudden intrusion. You recognised that voice. Joel Miller. The man that’s been consuming your thoughts for weeks now. You hissed as you rubbed at the already sore spot and landed on your butt as you looked up at him.

The bemused expression morphed into one of concern as he crouched down to your level. “Are you okay?” He replaced your hand with his own, making sure there was no visible injury.

His touch made your body turn hot as he continued to study you.

“Yeah I-I’m fine. Although, I do think it will be a nice bump later.” You chuckled. “You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s not good for my heart.”

“And your head,” he said as a grin replaced the one of concern. You were glad to be sitting because that smile has been making you weak in the knees lately. Ever since you’ve been introduced you’ve been talking and hanging out here and there, finding out that the man can smile sometimes. You’re not entirely sure why he felt so at ease around you but you were truly grateful that he was spending time with you. (It might be for the fact that Ellie grew fond of you and loved to ask you a million questions whenever she was around.) He had the prettiest smile you’d ever seen and it lit up his whole face, you truly wish he would smile more. Subconsciously you started biting your lip as you admired him.

“Are you sure you don’t need any help?” He questioned with a chuckle as he looked at the state of the bench next to you.

Your face grew warm as you moved to focus your gaze on your hands. “I’m fine.” You whisper softly as you continue to look at your hands in your lap.

You heard him sigh before he took your chin gently in his hand to tilt your head back, making you look into his eyes.

“You know it’s okay to ask for help sometimes?” He said as he studied you intently. It was hard to maintain his eye contact, your face heating up more under his intense gaze and because of the close proximity of both of your faces.

His brown eyes stared into yours and you couldn’t help but find them the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever looked at. Your eyes flitted all over his face, not being able to stay in one place. You couldn’t get over how handsome he was. His head tilted to the side and he gave you a questionable look. You felt embarrassed as you realised you hadn’t replied to him yet.

“Sorry,” you bit your lip nervously as warmth spread even more to your cheeks. Your eyes moved away from his face to a spot behind him as you stared into the distance. “I just don’t want to burden you.” Your voice sounded so small and squeaky that you cringed internally. Embarrassed, you quickly drop your gaze to your lap.

“Oh, Darlin’,” he said gently, his expression turning more soft. “Sweetheart, you could never be a burden.”

“I’m sorry,” you bit the inside of your cheek as you tried to keep yourself from getting emotional. “I didn’t mean to… I just— I just always feel like it’s best I do everything myself all the time because I don’t want to annoy anyone with my problems.”

You’ve always been someone to wear your heart on your sleeve. You’re a very sensitive person and very in tune with your emotions most of the time. People saw you as a very caring and helpful person but when it came to your own things you mostly tended to yourself. You’re aware that most people aren’t like you, at least not anymore ever since the outbreak happened, but you didn’t care. There’s strength in sensitivity.

“You could never annoy me,” Joel frowned. “especially not when it comes to you struggling to do something on your own.”

You weren’t used to people caring for you the way you cared for others. So when Joel reassured you or took the time to hang out with you, you couldn’t help but feel appreciated.

His reassuring words gradually eased your anxiety. You let out a long sigh before looking up at him again. “O-okay, I-I think… I might need your help.” You stutter, hoping he didn’t catch it but he smiled at you warmly instead.

Shit, he’s so pretty. Come on, forget it. He could never have feelings for you.

“Good. Because I’d love to help.” He winked at you with a crooked smile.

Warmth flooded your body as you stared at him, you couldn’t help but feel flustered around him. You’re certain that your heart is running two hundred miles per hour, because it felt like it was about to burst out of your chest.

It’s just a silly crush. You told yourself.

—

Turns out, Joel Miller, your hot new neighbour, could be very handy.

He was able to fix the bench you've been fighting with for weeks in less than an hour. You were truly impressed.

As he brought back the supplies he used to repair the bench back inside to your supply closet, you couldn’t help but want him to stay a little longer. Besides, you wanted to thank him for being so helpful. You’re relieved and so grateful that the ‘demon bench’, as you had called it, was now fixed

“Thank you for helping me out, Joel. It means a lot to me.” You said as you smiled up at him as you both walked towards your front door.

“Oh darlin’ it’s no problem. I loved helping you.” He said with a grin. He moved closer, making your breath hitch which made him smile even more. “You can ask me anything. Whenever you need.” He winked and you felt your insides melt at his words and his actions.

“I-I want to be able to thank you. Give something in return for your help.” You smiled shyly at him.

“You don’t have to do anything for me sweet—”

“Please, let me make you dinner. It’s the least I can do after what you did for me.” You cut him off as you looked up at him with wide eyes. “Ellie is welcome too!” You added nervously when he took a bit longer to reply.

He snorts softly at your words before clearing his throat. “Ellie isn't in tonight,” he says as he avoids your gaze for a few seconds “she’s at this girl’s place she hangs out with a lot. So it’s just me.”

“Oh that’s okay! I’m sure she can join us next time.” You flashed him a bright smile. “But, I’d love to make dinner for you tonight… if that’s okay?” You asked with pleading eyes.

He chuckled fondly at your expression as he shook his head with amusement. “Of course. I’d love that.”

You felt like you were going to burst out of excitement. Internally you’re screaming, kicking with your legs like a schoolgirl thinking about her crush. You really loved spending time with the man.

Joel followed you back inside as you quickly disappeared down the hall and into the dining room that’s connected to your kitchen. You saw him admire the walls of your dining room from your peripheral view as you’re rummaging in one of the cupboards of your kitchen for a cutting board. Most of the paintings were either more abstract gradient paintings or heavily inspired by the Impressionism art movement.

“You have lots of paintings. They are very pretty.”

“Thank you. Some of them are made by me or my sister.” You smiled genuinely as you made your way back to him.

“Really?” He asked curiously.

Your smile turned timid as you looked up at him, Joel's inquisitive look making you even more shy.

“Yeah… we both love art. Especially making our own sometimes.” You cleared your throat with another bashful smile, before looking down at your shoes.

“Is your sister…?”

“Is she alive? Yes” you finished his question. “She lives here in Jackson with her boyfriend actually.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yeah. I’m truly grateful to have her in my life.” You told him. “She’s my best friend.”

“That’s beautiful” he nods at you as a small smile graces his features. You can’t help but feel yourself get more warm at his soft expressions. He’s so beautiful. “How did you two find your way to Jackson?”

“It’s a long story. I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but, originally my sister and I weren't from here… the USA I mean.” You told him.

Joel’s eyes widened at your words. You giggled at his expression.

“We are originally from Europe, I was still very young when the outbreak happened. I was around? Seven years old. We were in San Francisco when it happened and my sister and I haven’t really moved from that place for a long time ever since everything went down.” You said as you walked back to the kitchen.

“Christ. That’s very young.” He said, he looked shocked as you told him as much as you wanted him to know.

“Yeah but Emilie was four when it happened.” You said as you bit your lip.

“It must be hard being trapped in a foreign country. Especially when you’re a child.”

“Yeah… My parents eventually died when I turned eighteen. So it was just Emilie and I for a long time. One day a couple of years ago she went outside the San Francisco QZ and I hadn’t heard from her for a long while. I just… I had to look for her, she’s my sister, she means everything to me. I would literally travel through this whole country just to find her. I always felt like I needed to protect her. I’ve always been very overprotective of her, just like I know she is with me.” You chuckled as you shook your head with amusement at your previous words.

“Overprotective huh?” He said as he flashed you a grin as he came to lean against a wall close to you.

“Yeah,” you giggled. “I am the big sister but sometimes it does feel like she’s more overprotective than I am.”

“Your sister seems very nice. I do understand her being overprotective though.” He smiled as he leaned closer to you.

“Oh really?” You bit your lip as you continued to prepare everything for dinner.

“Yeah, I mean you’re a precious little thing so I do understand her overprotectiveness.” He muttered.

Heat rose up in your face at his words. You couldn’t look up at him, feeling too flustered to look him in the eye. Your heart felt like it was about to burst out of your chest as you kept repeating his words in your head. He thought you were precious.

Was that flirting? No. He would never flirt with you.

“Y-you think so?” You question shyly, still not meeting his gaze.

“Uhuhm” He hummed softly, “I don’t only think that, it is so. You’re very precious.”

“O-oh.” You were at loss for words.

Joel chuckled, probably because of your flustered state, before he noticed you struggled with the ingredients. “Let me help you sweetheart.”

“No, it’s okay.” You said. But as most people knew, Joel was a stubborn man.

“Darlin,” he looked at you pointedly, letting you know that you wouldn’t be able to stop him from giving you a hand.

“I’m making dinner for you, to thank you. You shouldn’t be helping me.” You huffed as you crossed your arms in front of your chest. You’re aware you probably look like a child but you can’t help it. Dinner was supposed to be made by you, and only you.

“Oh angel, being in your presence is rewarding enough for me.” He says as he leans closer to your ear.

Butterflies erupted in your stomach at his words. The sound of his deep voice close to your ear, and the feeling of his breath against your skin, made you fight the urge to shiver.

Joel smiled playfully, eyes looked down and locked with yours for a couple of seconds. The close proximity made your skin set on fire. He could lean down a bit more and then his lips would be on yours. You slowly pulled back, clearing your throat while you did.

“A-a-anyways.” You stuttered. You hated stuttering, you never really stuttered but somehow this man could turn you into a flustered, stuttering mess. His smile widened at your state which made you want to run and hide. You decided to change the subject. “I had to go through some states to find her and eventually I found her. Then we travelled together through Wyoming and then some people from Jackson surrounded us and that’s how we got here. That was almost a year ago.”

“So… You are pretty new here?”

“Yep.” You said as you smiled at him.

It was silent for a moment as both of you were preparing everything for dinner. Until your eyes widened at the realisation that you hadn’t offered him anything to drink yet.

“Oh shit, sorry. I can’t believe that I haven’t offered you something to drink yet.” You said as you abandoned your current task, running towards another supply closet, looking for something good for the both of you. “Give me a second.”

You could hear Joel chuckle, knowing he was probably looking at you with an amused expression on his face. You were looking for a specific bottle of red wine, your favourite, the ones you always keep for special occasions. Once you found it you couldn’t help but squeal excitedly. “Aha! Here it is!” You smiled triumphantly as you held it in your hands.

You were grinning widely as you came back into the kitchen. “I’ve got some red wine, I hope that’s okay.” You said as you placed down the bottle on the kitchen counter.

“More than okay.” Joel smiled.

You beamed up at him and opened one of the cabinets, you stood on the tip of your toes as you struggled to reach for some wine glasses.

“Fuck,” you muttered to yourself. “Why did I put those glasses so high and so far in the back?”

“Let me,” he chuckled softly as he stepped behind you, his body pressing softly against yours. Your breath hitched at the action and warmth spread all over your body. You mentally cursed yourself as you felt a heat pool between your legs. Different kinds of scenarios started going through your head as you felt his body pressed against yours. You wished his arms were wrapped around you as he stood behind you. But one of his arms extended over yours as he reached for two glasses easily. “Here they are.” He whispered as he leant down to whisper close to your ear.

You truly felt as if you caught a fever. He’s so close and so big. As his chest brushed against your back you felt as if your brain short circuited for a second. He was so broad and tall while you were so much smaller than him, he could quite literally swallow you whole with his frame.

You felt his body slowly retreat from yours, giving you the possibility to collect your thoughts again.

“Show off,” you grumbled teasingly, warmth still filling your chest and face.

Joel snorted, shaking his head amused. “You’re just tiny.”

You gasped dramatically, turned around and feigned offence at his words. “Am not!”

“Sure you aren’t.” He teased, a grin forming on his face.

You giggled at that, “you’re just awfully tall.”

“Right.” He nodded along to your words, tried to look as serious as he could, he tried to stifle a grin and you could see right through him.

“I am right.” You pouted.

“So am I.” He retorted playfully, a loud laugh left his lips as you continued to pout, before he took a step closer to you.

Your cheeks warmed, but you tried to hide your embarrassment by crossing your arms and sticking your chin up in the air. Huffing you turned around, “get back to work Mr. Miller.”

“Yes ma’am” he said in mock seriousness as he went back to making dinner with you.

“You’re so silly,” you giggled as you teasingly bumped your shoulder against his arm. You went to open the bottle of wine before pouring some of the liquid in both glasses. Once the glasses were filled you held a glass out to him.

“Only with you darlin’,” he gave you a wink before he took the glass from your hand. Flushed, you tried to ignore the way your heart skipped in your chest when his fingers brushed against yours.

This man is going to be the death of me.

—

Dinner was very nice. There was lots of banter, lots of words exchanged from Joel that felt awfully like flirting but still you tried to push those thoughts away. He wouldn’t flirt with you. You’re pretty certain of it. The tension sometimes was killing you though. You think it was sexual tension but then again that would be impossible because he wasn’t flirting with you.

But you also noticed that the more you hung out with Joel the more relaxed he was around you. You loved that for him. Underneath all that rough exterior he has so much depth to him. He’s very caring, protective, helpful, funny, and so intelligent. He’s so sweet to you too, you didn’t know why. But all you knew is that you care for him so much. You felt comfortable around him too, safe. You couldn’t help but associate him with warmth, safety. Home. He felt like home to you.

Empty plates were still on the table and for a while you were enjoying the comfortable silence between you two. Eventually you broke that silence.

“The wine is so good.” You whispered as you looked at your wine glass then brought your gaze softly to the man sitting across from you. He seemed like he was lost in his thoughts, staring off in the distance as he looked through the window outside towards your garden.

He brought his gaze back to you as he heard your voice, he cocked his head to the side. “Hmmm what did you say sweetheart?”

“It’s good right?” You ask as you motion with your head to the drink in your hand.

“You’re not wrong. It’s very good.” He nods with a soft smile.

“It’s my favourite,” you flashed him a grin before you took a generous sip of your wine, the liquid burning down your throat.

“Oh really?” He questioned with a curious smile.

“Yeah, I keep them for special occasions.” You said as you bit your lip, feeling bashful.

“Is that so?” Joel’s smile turned into a full smirk as he looked straight into your eyes. “I am assuming this is a special occasion then?”

You hummed your agreement, shrugging your shoulders with faux nonchalance as you continued to bite your lip. Warmth was overwhelming you. Not only because of the alcohol you consumed but that man always made you heat up.

“I’ll consider that as a compliment.” He said as he leaned back in his chair.

Excitement bubbled inside you. Feeling bold, you winked at him. “As you should.”

He was visibly surprised, Joel didn't expect you to finally flirt back. You giggled at his reaction, pleased to see that you could surprise him.

You stood up from your seat with a smile as you took the empty plates from the table, bringing them to the sink.

As you’re about to turn the faucet on you heard him stand up from his chair. He muttered your name, his voice coming out a lot deeper than usual. Fighting back a shiver you slowly turned around to look at him. Your eyes were wide with curiosity and your heart was pounding so hard you could barely hear over the sound of blood rushing in your ears. He looked at you, a desperate expression on his face.

“Darlin’,” he said, his voice hoarse as his dark eyes continued to hold your gaze. For the first time of the night you couldn’t fight back the shiver from going down your spine. Heat flooded your body, your cheeks burning, the warmest you’ve ever felt them.

Joel must have noticed the way your body was reacting to his voice, as he dragged a low shuddering breath at the sight of you.

“Joel?” Your breath turned heavier as you waited for him to say or do something. Your wide pleading eyes stared into his hungry eyes. He continued to stand there just looking at you, his chest moved quicker as he breathed more heavily. Your heart pounded so fast and hard that you were worried that he could hear it from across the room.

Your eyebrows pulled together as you stared at him, your eyes shining with curiosity. You waited with bated breath for Joel to say what he was meant to tell you. He looked at you desperately before he moved from his spot, striding towards you but before he could reach you, someone barged through the door of your home with a loud bang.

“Hey! I knew I’d find you here.” Ellie yelled without looking at both of you. Once her eyes settled on both Joel and you her mouth fell open. “What’s happening?”

You were breathing heavily as you looked at Joel. Eventually you brought your gaze to the teen. “N-nothing, Ellie bean.” You stuttered out quickly, moving away from the kitchen towards the younger girl. “We just had dinner.”

Her eyes widened, “without me?”

Your face flushed with embarrassment before you turned around to look at Joel. “I thought she was at—”

“I’m assuming you told her I wasn’t home tonight, right?” Ellie cut you off, raising one of her eyebrows as she looked at him.

Wait what? Did he want to be alone with me?

Joel swallowed and then avoided both Ellie and your gazes. “Alright.” She snorted.

“I think it's better if we go home.” Joel finally spoke up, before walking towards Ellie. You feel yourself deflate at his words and you can’t help but feel a bit disappointed.

“O-okay.” You whispered, looking down as you entwined both of your hands nervously.

Ellie looked at you with sympathy before glaring up at Joel. “You’re so stupid.” She grumbled under her breath as she gave him a shove as she made her way to the front door.

“Ellie,” he warned her.

“You are.” She sneered.

Joel sighed deeply as he pinched the bridge of his nose. He dropped his hand before looking at you. “Thank you for dinner,” he said with a small but grateful smile.

“Thank you for fixing my bench on the front porch,” you gave him a faint smile. “I enjoyed spending time with you.” You said as you looked away timidly.

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to thank me.”

You bit your lip as you avoided his gaze. He said your name softly before he held your chin gently with one of his hands, tilting your head towards his face which made your eyes lock with his own.

“I always enjoy spending time with you.” Warmth rose to your face at his words. He gave you a warm smile before releasing your chin.

You walked with him towards your front door, leaning against it as you tried to say your goodbyes to each other.

“I really enjoyed tonight.”

“Me too.” You said as you bit your lip.

“Goodnight darlin’.” He said with a barely noticeable smile before he walked out your door.

Your eyes met Ellie’s waving at you from in front of your porch. You return the action with a small wave.

“Goodnight.” You whispered before you closed the door behind them. You rested your back against the door, exhaling a long breath you realised you didn’t know you were holding in.

—

You were in too deep.

As months went by, you were more and more aware of how strong your feelings were beginning to grow for Joel. So strong that they were starting to terrify you. Not because you didn’t want to have these feelings for him, no that was certainly not it. You just never experienced feelings this strong for someone before.

It wasn’t like you hadn’t dated before. You had been on plenty of dates since you’ve been in Jackson, too many actually, you’ve even been in a semi serious relationship, but unfortunately, nobody had really charmed their way into your heart like they were supposed to.

You’ve never been touched intimately before, never had sex either. You knew how inexperienced you were but so far, you just hadn’t found someone to be worthy of your time.

You’ve never fallen in love with anyone before. And these new feelings were truly scaring you. For so long you were so certain that you’d never fall in love with someone. That falling in love wasn’t meant for you. That those feelings would never exist for you. The apocalypse hadn’t made things easier either so it wasn’t like falling in love was an option for a long time. But now that you’re relatively more safe, it was a possibility.

It was so much easier when it was just a crush, or an infatuation, despite the fact that you knew that crushes usually wouldn’t make your heart swell so big or your lungs feel so tight when you think of them or see them. But now, it’s a lot harder to pretend that it’s not more than that.

You always dreamed of the day you’d finally fall in love but now that those feelings were here they made you feel like you wanted to run and hide.

You’re not sure you’d be ready to confess those feelings to him any time soon. You were quite certain that they would be one sided, so you’d prefer to keep those to yourself. Because why would someone like him ever see you the way you see him, the way you feel for him. You were a lot younger than him, around twenty years or so. You’re twenty seven. So it seemed impossible for you that he could regard you in the same way you did.

So you decided to do just that, keep them a secret. And you were completely fine with that, with your feelings remaining completely unknown to anyone but yourself.

Or so you thought.

—

On a beautiful warm spring day, you decided you were going to indulge in your favourite hobby. Drawing.

You’ve always loved art, specifically, you loved sketching. If it wasn’t for the fact that the world ended, you’d like to think you would’ve studied art or tried to become an artist.

You were pretty good at it actually, not to sound too full of yourself. But with the way things were, your skills weren’t at their full potential. And besides you didn’t like to tell most people, keeping it a secret because you were always too shy or embarrassed to show people your talents. So you sketched as much as you could in your free time.

You loved to draw all sorts of things, nature, still life, animals and sometimes, people. But on top of your innocent drawings you also had a specific secret sketchbook that you only drew in when you were certain you were alone.

This sketchbook was dedicated entirely to indulging in your massive crush on Joel Miller. (Okay, crush is an understatement.) It was usually difficult to draw a specific person when they weren’t standing right in front of you, but you had seen his face so many times that it was nearly photographically imprinted in your mind. You would often summon his face up whenever you were alone. As many times as you could. Most of these were just his face, the sketchbook was definitely filled with several of him smiling. Some were just details of, for example, his hands or his eyes. Or even his nose or lips.

Everything about him made you feel warm inside. You would always be a flustered mess around him and it would even make you heat up when you’d draw him. Sometimes you’d have to take breaks from drawing him because you’d start getting too hot from thinking about him.

You often felt like you were doing something bad or wrong, like you were some sort of stalker when all you did was admire him.

It was a specific drawing you were currently working on, after checking and double-checking that you were truly alone. It was a beautiful day and you had the day off, so you figured what better way to spend it then by sitting on your front porch all day while enjoying the weather and sketching out what you’d seen the man do during your shared patrol the day before.

The drawing was him holding his gun as he concentrated on a target in front of him. You were so focused on sketching him as well as you could, wanting to capture every feature of him in the best way possible. You recalled his intense expression, the way his jaw clenched while he was so focused yesterday. His dark brown eyes and his handsome side profile—

“What are you drawing?”

You practically jumped and yelled as you heard the voice close to you. Hurriedly you tried to close the sketchbook as you addressed the person standing close to you. “Ellie! You scared me. What are you doing here?”

“I’m just done with school and thought I’d drop by. I kinda wanted to spend some time with you.” She smiled at you as she was leaning against the wall. The soft expression slowly turned into a more mischievous smile as she cocked her head to the side to study you. “You okay there, Y/N?”

You swallowed nervously before giving her your best smile. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well… you’re looking pretty nervous or flustered. Embarrassed even.” She said as she smirked deviously.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m perfectly fine.” You said as you tried to keep your composure.

You could never tell Ellie about the fact that you’re drawing Joel. He’s practically her father figure. Besides, you were quite certain it would make the whole situation awkward.

“You sure?” She asked as she leaned closer to you. “Could it have something to do with… what you’re drawing?”

“I— no. I mean no.”

“Hmmm.” Ellie hummed as she looked at you suspiciously.

Before you could react, Ellie snatched the sketchbook out of your hands at lightning speed.

Fuck. fuck. FUCK. Please no.

“Ellie—”

You sprang to your feet and quickly tried to grab the book back from her, but Ellie pulled it just out of reach at the last second with a huge teasing smirk on her face. Your face burned with shame.

“It’s nothing Ellie, please give it back!” You couldn’t hide the terrified desperation in your voice.

“You sure it’s nothing?” She said as she hid the sketchbook behind her back.

“Yes!” Apprehension fills your bones at her actions.

“Ah, then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind letting me take a peek at what’s inside right?” Ellie grinned dangerously as she moved the book in front of her.

“Please give it back.” Tears started to well up in your eyes as you pleaded for her to give it back.

Shit. It’s over.

As she opened the book on a random page, a gasp left her mouth. “Oh my god?!”

“Ellie, I’m—”

“You’re drawing Joel?” She whispered with wide eyes as she flipped through the pages.

You’ve never felt your face warm up this hot in your entire life. “No?” You said nervously but it came out more as a question.

Ellie said your name softly as she looked at you with a huge smile. “You have a crush on Joel?”

“I— I-I’m— uhm I don’t know, I just—” you stuttered as you tried to retrieve the sketchbook. Ellie pulled back which made you want to scream internally.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad.” Her face softened as she saw you look utterly terrified. “If anything, I’m very happy.”

“What?” You asked as you blinked your tears away.

“How could I be mad at you? I’ve always wanted Joel to be happy. He deserves that, even if he often doesn’t think he deserves that himself.” She smiled at you before looking back at some of the drawings inside the book. “They’re very beautiful by the way. I love drawing too.” She stepped closer to you as she went to put the book back in your hands. “Besides,” she shrugged nonchalantly, “he has a crush on you too.”

“Oh.”

Warmth flooded your body as you listened to her. You quickly felt overwhelmed by her words and everything that happened, you needed to sit down to process it better. You went to sit down with the book in your lap, looking down at it as you were at loss for words. It was very difficult for you to wrap your head around what she said. Joel having feelings for you? You couldn’t allow yourself to believe it. As you let her words sink in, she took a place next to you, placing a hand on your arm and giving it a small reassuring squeeze. Ellie gave you enough time to collect your thoughts and you were truly grateful for that.

You heaved out a long sigh. “I don’t have a crush.” You finally spoke up but not meeting her gaze just yet.

“What? But—”

“Saying it’s a crush is an understatement.” Your voice trembled as you finally looked at her. “I’ve never felt like this in my entire life, so it’s hard for me to deal with what I’m feeling.”

“Oh.” She said as her eyes widened. “You’re… In love?”

“I am pretty sure I am, yes.” You nodded with a small smile.

“Okay. Well he has feelings for—”

“Ellie, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have feelings for me.” You interrupted her.

“Oh my god,” she groaned as she hid her face in her hands, mumbling, “you’re both so oblivious.”

“What?”

“You’re both so stupid. So oblivious.” She groaned once again as she threw her hands in the air. “You both think that the feelings are one sided.”

“I don’t know…” you trailed off as you let yourself lean back on the bench. You’re quite certain that you’re the only one being so consumed by these emotions. You’ve pretty much made your mind up about the fact that it’s impossible for him to return any of those feelings that you have for him.

“The atmosphere when I came in the last time both of you had dinner, just the two of you, certainly didn’t look like it was one sided.”

“Barged in.” You corrected her teasingly as you bumped your shoulder into hers.

“Okay, whatever. My point still stands.”

“Ellie, that was months ago…” you sighed deeply and shook your head at her words.

“Stop. Why do you do this?” She asked exasperated.

“Wh—”

“Why do you believe that he wouldn’t have feelings for you too?” Ellie questioned as she leaned closer to you. “Like, you’re so pretty and have such a lovely personality.”

“I-I I don’t know. I just find it hard to believe. Besides,” you shrugged with a frown “I find it very hard to deal with my own emotions because I’ve never been in love before so this is so new to me.”

Her eyes softened as she listened to you. Slowly, she brought her hand to squeeze your arm reassuringly. “I can understand that. But love is a beautiful thing.”

“True…” you whispered.

“I can understand being scared, but Y/N you’re so worthy of love. Just like Joel is. I am convinced both of you are meant for each other.” She said with a hopeful expression.

“Ellie—”

“I’m serious. Just, please think about it for a while. You both deserve more than this secret pining for each other.” She grumbled at the last sentence.

“Okay I will. Can we please talk about something else now?”

“Sure.” She shrugged with a smile.

“Thank you, Ellie bean.” You said gratefully.

It’s quiet between you two, as you two sit in comfortable silence for a while, just enjoying the beautiful weather and each other’s company.

“So… drawing huh?” She grinned.

—

As Ellie and you were talking about your shared love for drawing you heard someone approaching the both of you. Ellie is the first one to look up and she greets the person with a wide smile.

“Hi Emilie!” Ellie beamed as your sister stepped foot on your front porch.

“Oh, here are my favourite girls!” She said with the biggest grin on her face. Emilie brought her hand up to high-five Ellie. “Hey ravioli.” She said as the youngest girl hit her hand.

Ellie scoffed and rolled her eyes dramatically. “Jeez, just because I love ravioli doesn’t mean you have to call me that. Can’t a girl love food in peace.”

Your sister doesn’t reply to the teen and averted her attention to you, greeting you too. Emilie gestures for Ellie to scooch over, before she plops down on the bench between both of you. “So what are you guys talking about?”

“Hey! That bench was recently repaired! There’s no need for you to let yourself fall on the seat like that.” You groan at your sister's silly behaviour.

“Recently? That was months ago.” Ellie counters with a playful smile.

“Ah yes, the bench that the love of your life repaired.” Emilie said with a dreamy expression.

You gasped at her words, feeling your cheeks heat up instantly. You gave her a light shove, “Emilie!”

“What?” Your sister shrugs nonchalantly, “it’s true.”

“Love of your life?” Ellie beams.

You sighed dramatically before leaning against the back of the bench. “Look at what you just did.” You gestured towards Ellie.

“Oh quit the theatrics.” Your sister rolled her eyes teasingly. “Everyone knows you have feelings for Joel except for that man himself.”

Your eyes widened as her words registered in your mind. “Everyone?” You squeaked.

“Yes, just like everyone knows that man is pining over you except for you!” Your sister said exasperated.

You shook your head frantically. “You’re ly—”

“Oh my god, Y/N.” Ellie groaned. “Wake up.”

“Yeah, lovely sister of mine,” Emilie placed a hand on your shoulder, giving you a serious look, “respectfully wake the fuck up.”

“Disrespectfully, Emilie, shut up.” You said to your sister, shrugging her hand off you. You crossed your arms in front of your chest, pouting as you still leaned against the bench.

“Why are you pouting? This is a good thing.” Ellie huffed.

“Yeah, this is a good thing. Why don’t you want to allow good things into your life?” Emilie asked, looking at you seriously.

Silence fell for some moments, before you whispered, “I don’t feel like I deserve it.”

“Yes, you do!” Both Ellie and your sister said simultaneously.

You bit your lip as you looked at them silently. You knew deep down that you deserved to love and be loved in return but it was so hard for you to accept that someone could genuinely have feelings for you. It wouldn’t make any sense, you were always used to people that were attracted to you to expect something from you that you weren’t ready to do or they wouldn’t genuinely care about who you are as a person. You knew Joel was different, he showed you enough through the past year. But somehow your mind tried to tell you otherwise.

“This is driving me insane,” Ellie sighed, shaking her head.

“Ellie,” your sister said pointedly at the younger girl before turning back to look back at you. “Y/N… you are so worthy of love. I know you’ve never experienced this type of emotion or feeling ever before, but you deserve to feel safe with someone and to love someone deeply and for them to love you just as fiercely. I know you keep thinking because of past relationships, friendships or situationships that people aren’t truly interested in you or that people don’t genuinely care for you. But, those people do exist. Ellie cares for you, I do, and I am completely certain that Joel cares for you too. You deserve to feel loved, cared for and to be happy.”

Tears welled up in your eyes at your sister’s words. You felt truly overwhelmed by everything she told you. Deep down you knew she was right, you were trying to believe her words but you knew it might take a bit of time.

“Thank you.” You whispered, tears flowing down your cheeks as you hugged her side. “You don’t know how much that means to me. It might take some time for me to truly believe everything you said but I want to try.”

Both girls went to envelop you in a warm hug, squeezing your body tight. You felt your body relax in their embrace.

“I love you.” Ellie whispered, at her words you hugged her body tighter.

“I love you too, Ellie bean.” You smiled, tears still in your eyes as you leaned your head against the crown of her head.

And for the first time in a long time you felt like your heart could breathe again.

—

A month passed and you still hadn’t confessed your feelings to the man that’s been consuming your very brain for a year. You still hung out whenever you could, but telling Joel how you felt about him still terrified you. But as time passed, you allowed yourself to believe the words your sister and Ellie told you. It was very freeing.

One thing that didn’t change though was your stubbornness. You are certain you will always hate asking people for help. Like for example, the fact that your shower head was acting up so much you couldn’t take proper showers which made you have to use Emilie’s shower at her place sometimes. Until the shower head actually broke.

That’s why a few days later, you were standing in front of Joel’s door, contemplating if you should really ask him for his help. You bit your lip as you thought about it. Sighing, you told yourself that you should just do it. As you were about to knock, the door opened.

Your eyes widened as you came face to face with Joel. Your cheeks heat up as you lock eyes with him. You know you shouldn't be flustered right now because he is the only one who can help you. And he did tell you that you could always come to him if you needed his help. Or for anything really. But somehow, you still couldn’t help but feel shy around him.

“Sweetheart?” Joel looked at you worriedly.

“H-hi?” You smiled sheepishly. “Am I coming at a bad time?”

“No, ‘course not.” He shook his head slightly, a soft smile curled upon his lips. “Everything alright?”

“I am alright, it’s just,” you trailed off as you looked away shyly. “I think I might need your help.”

Joel closed the door behind him as he kept his gaze on you. He motioned for you to show the way. “Let’s go.”

You giggled as you shook your head light heartedly. “You don’t even know what I need your help for.”

“That’s where you're wrong darlin’. A little birdie told me your shower head is broken.” Joel’s mouth twitched in mild amusement as you just gaped at him.

Oh my god… Emilie.

Your face burned once again. You couldn’t believe that your sister would tell the person you’re desperately in love with about this. You felt embarrassed, knowing that he knew about you struggling. As if he could read your thoughts, “I only know since yesterday, but I wanted you to come to me when you were ready.” He said as he looked at you, a gentle smile on his lips.

“O-okay.” You said, groaning internally at your stuttering. “Anyways, yes. I need your help with fixing my shower. I hope that’s okay?” You asked hesitatingly.

“‘Course it is. Show the way, pretty girl.” He winked, beckoning for you to move along.

He thinks I’m pretty?

—

Joel was standing in your shower as he tried to fix the shower head. He smiled as he threw you a thumbs up.

“Ah, here we go. This should work now—” Joel’s smile faltered as water started unexpectedly spraying out of the shower head. Surprised, it slipped out of his hands, dropping to the floor, the spray pointing up at him, which drenched Joel quickly.

Your eyes widened as you took Joel in. His white shirt and jeans are both drenched and sticking to his body. You could see the outline of everything. Your body turned flush with heat as you continued to stare at him. You couldn’t help but find him so hot, with his shirt clinging to his body. He grumbled as he looked down at the state of his clothes. Eventually you moved into action, “O-oh let me get you a towel!” you blurted out. You quickly made your way to one of your closets in your bedroom, rummaging for some spare towels.

“Y/N stop being such a creep.” You grumbled to yourself, embarrassed that you were staring at him so unabashedly. You’re worried that he might think you’re creepy, staring at him like he was the sexiest man you’ve ever seen. Well, actually, he was the sexiest man to you. But you didn’t want him to think of you as some sort of weirdo. That’s the last thing you want, for him to think you’re creepy. As you found the towels you were still in such a deep inner monologue while you walked back into the bathroom.

“I found the towels—” you gasp, accidentally dropping the towels on the floor as you took Joel in.

The man had taken off his shirt, most likely because he didn’t like the feel of the fabric clinging to his body. He took your breath away. As you once again stared at him you couldn’t help but let your wide eyes wander all over his chest. He was broad, he wasn’t really muscular but he had a solid build. He was strong and large, and soft in the right places. There were some scars littered over his skin here and there, as a result of the years of fighting to try and stay alive. Some hair was scattered over his body, your eyes trailing along his happy trail, eventually disappearing underneath his jeans. You felt yourself ache between your legs as your eyes continued to roam over his form, studying him with so much intensity. You were still admiring him when he spoke up.

“I’m not really nice to look at.” He mumbled.

Your heart ached at his self deprecated words. You couldn’t believe what he said. How could he think of himself so lowly? You thought he was the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen. “W-what?” You said as you shook your head frantically.

“I’m not—”

“Joel Miller, you better stop bringing yourself down.” You said sternly, surprising both of you. You sighed loudly as he looked at you with wide eyes, “I’m sorry. I just don’t understand the need for you to put yourself down when you’re far from unattractive.”

Silence fell for a couple of moments. Until Joel exhaled shakily. “You-you think I’m attractive?” The man asked, he seemed so doubtful.

“I thought that was pretty obvious…” you trailed off shyly as you looked at the tiled floor between your two feet. “I mean, it’s pretty obvious to everyone else.” You chuckled nervously.

You heard him grunt softly before hearing his wet, heavy steps, as he slowly made his way to you. Joel grasped your chin gently, tilting your face towards him. You felt your cheeks burn, you don’t think you’ll ever get used to his touch. Your eyes lock with his as he looks at you desperately.

“You think I’m attractive?” He repeated his earlier question more pleadingly.

“I don’t only think you’re attractive… you’re so beautiful. So pretty. Handsome…” you trailed off as you duck your head timidly. “Sexy.” You said apprehensively, before looking away from him. “I think you’re the hottest man I’ve ever seen.”

“I think you’re beautiful as well. The prettiest little thing that has ever walked this earth.” He whispers, his voice coming out a lot deeper. “Words can not describe how beautiful you are. Inside-out.”

You felt your breath catch in your chest as you felt your body tremble at his words. You slowly looked up at him, your eyes wide with curiosity. You couldn’t help but like how he was towering over you. He was so broad, so strong. You felt your face burn, biting your lip and feeling incredibly weak as his gaze stayed locked with yours. You felt light headed at the close proximity. You could barely think straight.

He brought his hands down to your waist, holding your body close to his as he smiled warmly down at you. He whispered your name, breath hitching as he looked at you intently. “Sweetheart…”

You breathed his name softly before his lips connected with yours in a gentle kiss. You gasped in surprise at his actions, but you quickly closed your eyes as he deepened the kiss. Joel’s large hands cupped the side of your face in such a tender way it made your insides melt. Never did you think you’d ever be able to feel his lips on yours. And here he was, kissing you. Your arms wrapped around his back, your fingers digging in his back the action making him grunt. His beard was rough against your soft skin, but was so welcomed. You kissed him back just as deeply, hands stroking up and down his back in a soothing manner.

He held you tighter against his body before slowly pulling away, resting his forehead against yours as both of you breathed heavily against each other's lips.

“I hope that was okay.” He said with a gentle smile. Tears welled up in your eyes as you processed what happened, having a hard time to believe that their kiss really happened. Never in your life were you ever able to keep your heavy emotions in control. Certainly not when you were overwhelmed. His forehead furrowed, concern flashing through his eyes. “What’s wrong Darlin’?”

God, why do I have to get so emotional?

“I am so sorry I just. I feel a bit overwhelmed because I always thought you’d never feel anything for me.” You rambled anxiously and your fingers trembled as they swiped under your eyes. “If you have any feelings for me, that is.”

“Really? I thought it was pretty obvious.” He smiled gently, his hands cupping your cheeks. Softly, he brushed your tears away with his thumbs. “Especially after… you know, kissing you.” He said with a teasing lilt in his voice.

“Yeah maybe…” you shrugged with a giggle, “you do have a point.”

“I do, don’t I?” He smirked playfully.

“You’re so silly.” You rolled your eyes lightheartedly.

“Only with you darlin’,” he winked.

You felt the heat rise in your face once more. You don’t think you could ever get used to his teasing or his flirtatious behaviour.

“So corny…” you snorted as you shook your head with amusement, “you’re lucky I love you.”

You quickly covered your mouth at the realisation that those words were said out loud. Your heartbeat was beating loudly in your chest, as your wide eyes met his. You wonder if he could hear your heart practically beat out of your chest.

His breath hitched in his throat, as his eyes bored into yours. “You mean that?”

Heat overwhelmed your body, feeling as if you’re on fire. Your mouth felt extremely dry, still you tried to swallow, nodding slowly anticipating his next reaction. “I do.”

The molten intensity made you unable to look away as both of you just breathed and stared into each other’s eyes. You felt as if time stopped in that moment, your bodies so close, yet they felt so far. As he held your gaze, he moved his body closer to yours again.

“Joel—” you whispered breathlessly.

He cut you off, kissing you by surprise. Capturing all the words you were about to say. Completely shocked, your whole body froze as you felt his lips claim around yours, hands pulled your face towards his as he kept pressing his lips further, almost to the point it hurt.

All your thoughts overwhelmed your brain, disabling any rational understanding of what was going on. Like a magnet, you felt your body move closer to his, moving your hands around his shoulders as you kissed him back just as fiercely.

You nibbled on his bottom lip lightly, eliciting a moan from him. Slowly, he pulled away from your lips, to press kisses to your cheek. His lips slowly travelled all over your face. You whimper as his mouth moved from your jaw to your neck, pressing open mouthed kisses all over your neck, your hands moved towards his hair, tugging lightly at the roots.

“How long have you been feeling like this?” He questioned, his beard scratching your neck as he continued to kiss your neck. Your body trembled against his as he continued to suck, kiss and lick your neck.

“Hmmm?”

Joel groaned and stopped his actions when you didn’t reply to his question, pulling back to look at your face. You feel his stare, waiting for your response. You hadn’t realised your eyes fell closed as you were enjoying his kisses. Unhurriedly, you opened your eyes, looking right into his.

You swallowed dryly at the intensity behind his eyes, your heart beating madly in your chest. A flare of heat rushed to your cheeks as you decided to tell him the truth. How could you not? When he’s looking at you with so much desperation.

“Like… at least a half year ago?” You answered, your hesitant eyes looking into his own.

Joel groaned loudly, enveloping your lips with his once again. He kissed you with so much passion, giving you everything that had to offer. His mouth moves against yours so hungrily. As he continued to give you long and deep kisses, you felt the heat rising within you. The throbbing between your legs felt unbearable as you whimpered desperately against his lips.

“I love you too baby, so fuckin’ much.” He rasped against your lips.

A gasp left your lips at his words and he deepened the kiss even more, as he quickly took the opportunity to slip his tongue past your parted lips and swirling it around yours. You felt as if your whole body was on fire as you continued to kiss each other ferociously, your fingers raking through his peppered hair.

He grunted as he pushed your body against the wall. His arms wrap around your body, holding your body close against his. You whimpered as his lips travelled from your lips to your throat, nipping at the skin which resulted in you squirming in his hold. Your hands busied themselves with exploring his exposed back, caressing his skin.

He moved his mouth towards your ear, “you have no idea how long I’ve been dreaming about holding you.” He murmured. Joel’s lips travelled towards your shoulder while littering your skin with soft kisses. “Kissing you.” His hands wandered unhurriedly against your back, his hands eventually settled on your lower back, just above your ass. “Touching you.”

“Please,” you whined as you tried chasing his lips again, gripping his strong arms with your hands.

“Tell me what you need, baby girl.” He whispered raspily into your ear. A shiver went down your spine at his words. Joel’s voice carried so much emotion. So much desperation and adoration for you. “I love this baby blue dress on you. Although it’s really killing me right now.” He groans against your neck as his hands finally move to your ass over your frilly summer dress, grabbing a handful of your cheeks.

You felt even more wetness pool between your legs as you thought about the fact that you weren’t wearing any lingerie underneath.

You turned into a bigger whimpering mess as he kept littering your neck, shoulders and face with kisses. You felt one of his legs sliding between your legs, pressing his thigh against your exposed core.

“Fuck,” you moaned.

Joel lifted his head and your eyes caught his, his lips finding yours in a rough kiss, not wasting any time as he slipped his tongue past your lips. The man is wrapped around you completely, a hand caressing your back, the other holding your ass. Your body trembled as Joel started rubbing his thigh against your soaked core. You’ve never wanted someone more in your whole life.

“Joel,” you whined desperately.

“Tell me what you want kitten.” He groaned.

A loud whimper escaped your lips at his words. The pet name turned you on extremely. Your hips moved against his thigh, grinding against the clothed material.

“I want you.”

A string of moans slipped past your lips as Joel moved his head up to lick into your mouth.

“Pleaseee.” You whined against his lips as you rubbed your sensitive pussy against his jeans. “I need you.”

“Fuck, you’re so wet.”

“Ah!” You gasped as he picked you up effortlessly. Quickly, you wrapped your legs around his hips. The both of you continued to kiss each other passionately as Joel carried you to your bedroom. Once he reached your bed he softly placed you down the sheets.

You felt the bed dip before he hovered above you. Joel’s dark eyes stare into yours as his hands move underneath the skirt of your dress, his fingers trailing up your thigh. You felt yourself grow nervous at his touch.

“W-wait.” You whispered.

His movements halt immediately at your words. He looked at you worriedly, “you okay, sweetheart?”

You wanted him so badly and you were extremely wet but you would be lying if you weren’t a bit nervous. Everything seemed more real once his touch moved closer to your intimate parts.

You exhaled deeply. “It’s just… don’t get me wrong, I want this. I literally want you so badly, but I’ve never been with someone intimately.” You said nervously as you waited for his reaction.

“Oh baby girl,” he whispered, looking at you tenderly. “Don’t you worry about that. I will take good care of you.” He smiled as he leaned down to rub his nose gently against yours. “But, we don’t need to do anything if you’re not ready.”

“I am ready, I just don’t want to disappoint you.” You nibbled anxiously at your bottom lip.

“Baby, you could never disappoint me with this. You'll always be a good lover to me. You’re literally perfect. I promise.” Joel smiled gently, looking at you with so much adoration before he pressed a kiss to your forehead. You felt your whole body relax once his lips touched your skin. You trusted him, he was your everything.

Your lips moved to his neck before you placed an open mouthed kiss to his skin. “Please Joel, I need you.” You whispered seductively into his ear.

He groaned loudly before engulfing your lips in a heated kiss. You whimpered against his mouth as his hands started slowly caressing both of your thighs. Your head was clouded with so much lust, you felt so much love for him. Your brain turned quite literally into mush as you continued to kiss each other deeply.

You moved your hips desperately as you moaned against his lips, hoping Joel would get the hint.

“Such a needy kitten.” He chuckled against your lips.

“Only for you.” You whispered as you looked up at him pleadingly. “Please, touch me.”

“I am touching you.” He counters playfully.

“Please.” You whined desperately as you wiggled underneath him.

Moments later his lips pressed against yours again. The kiss got more heated the more you kissed each other. Your hands wander to the back of his head and you pull at some strands softly making him moan into your mouth. One of his hands slowly trailed up your thigh once again. Your whimpers came out more frequently the closer his hand moved to where you needed him the most. Once his fingers come in contact with your heat you mewl loudly.

“Fuck,” he moaned against your lips, you’re certain because he felt how soaked you were for him. “You’re so fuckin’ wet baby girl. All for me?”

You were overwhelmed with warmth, it felt like a hot storm — as he spoke those words. You nodded frantically. You were sopping wet, you managed to speak but your voice is strangled and pathetic. “P-please. T-take off your clothes.”

“And leave you in this dress? Out of question.” He chuckled as he moved the hand that was touching your wetness to your thigh.

“Who said I wanted to stay in this dress?” You said as you raised one of your eyebrows at him.

“Baby—”

“Undress me cowboy.” You smiled as you pulled your bottom lip with your teeth seductively.

“God, you’ll be the death of me.” He groaned loudly.

“My name is Y/N but god sounds good too.” You giggled.

Joel shook his head with an amused grin on his face. His fingertips find the hem of your dress and you sit up a bit. You raised your arms quickly to help him get rid of your baby blue dress.

You felt your body tremble in anticipation, as his eyes roamed all over your naked body, his eyes not being able to stick to one place. You felt your heartbeat picking up as his hands reached for your hips, holding them and pressing your body closer to his. His lips moved to ghost over your neck, slowly moving below your ear. “You’re out of this world. So beautiful.” He whispered into your ear.

His lips then crashed against yours as you gasped openly into his mouth, desire growing, and took it upon yourself to guide his hand back down to your heat. His mouth fell from yours to unleash a heavy groan into your neck at the first slip of his fingers between your wet lips.

It's very, fucking wet, more wet than you'd honestly ever been and certainly more wet than he could've imagined in his wildest dreams.

“You’re so fuckin’ beautiful sweet girl,” he muttered again in a very raw tone, his voice strained. His lips trail slowly down to your neck, all the way to your chest. Joel breathed in through his nose, you flush harder at his words and shivered when he exhaled warmly through his mouth and onto your nipple. “The prettiest little thing I’ve ever seen.”

That’s all you’ve been given before he wrapped his lips around one nipple, teeth just skimming your skin as he sucked and licked passionately, as he also pushed one of his fingers inside your pussy.

The whine that came out of you only drove Joel to seek out more of those heavenly sounds.

“Fuck, you’re so tight.” He moaned, as your pussy clenched around his digit. “I need to prepare you as much as I can for my cock.”

Your whines became louder as you felt the pleasure overwhelm you. His fingers are so much bigger than yours, one of his fingers is more pleasurable than any of your fingers.

His tongue began licking, long licks with the flat of his tongue over your hard nipple as his other hand kept pumping his finger in and out of you at a leisurely pace.

You whined as your core started clenching around his finger, begging for more. Instinctively you began moving your hips, grinding against his hand, as he groaned against your skin. His lips left your breast with a wet pop and he looked at you intensely as he continued to fuck you with his finger. You were panting heavily, barely able to think straight as he slowly slipped another finger inside you. He moved his face back to meet yours, engulfing you in a passionate kiss, swallowing all your little mewls.

“Good girl, you’re doing so well for me.” He panted against your lips.

You bucked your hips up towards his hand in response, silently begging for more. He noticed and slipped a third finger in, moving them slowly at first as your tight pussy tried to adjust to the addition. Little whimpers left your lips as he fucks you slowly with his fingers. You felt so full, you can’t help but imagine him fucking you with his cock, you’re quite certain he’s massive. His pace eventually speeds up as you move your hips along with his movements. His lips moved back to kiss you, whining against his mouth. Your hands clutched the bed sheets as you moved along with the pace of his fingers, feeling him curl them and spreading them.

“That feels good doesn't it baby? You like it when I play with your little pussy? You like me fucking you with my fingers?" Joel moaned and his thumb connected with your clit, rubbing it at the same pace as he fucked you with his fingers. You bucked your hips and nodded as you moaned. "Use your words kitten," he taunts.

“Fuck, yes. Yes, please oh my god. Joel, please.” You writhed against the sheets as you whimpered. “Please keep calling me that.” You bit your lip as you squeezed your eyes shut.

“You’re such a good kitty for me,” he said, a smug smirk playing on his face. You were impressed how easy it was for this man above you to turn you on and make a mess of you.

Joel leans his head back down, trapping your lips in yet another heated kiss. You felt your legs spread even more open for him as you felt yourself get close to your first orgasm of the night. His tongue slipped into your mouth after another gasp fell from your lips. You couldn’t help but moan, whine and whimper as he continued to pleasure you. Your hands wandered to the back of his head pulling at hair softly making him moan into your mouth.

“Fuck, I need you so bad.” He groaned as his thumb applied more pressure on your little nub. He curled his fingers forward with every penetration until your thighs shook.

“I need you more.” You whimpered as your body trembled underneath his.

His eyes stared into yours, lust and love written all over them. When he fastened his motions inside you, you moaned again and squeezed your eyes shut. A burning intense feeling, a tight coil in your lower abdomen made your back arch beneath him.

“Open your eyes for me, my baby.”

You opened your eyes slowly, looking straight into his eyes. His intense gaze was what it took for you to come undone. The hot feeling spread all over your body, your body tingled, your hips moving at their own accord against Joel’s hand.

“You’re doing so well for me angel,” He said proudly as his fingers slowed down, slipping out of you to rub your slit softly, still helping you ride out your orgasm.

As you came back to your senses, you felt his fingers slip away from your heat. You felt your pussy clench around nothing every now and then and were dripping down the sheets, which made you whimper helplessly. You needed him so bad. And now. Joel climbed off the bed, making quick work to remove all of his clothing. You were still in a daze, closing your eyes for a minute. Moments later you felt the bed dip.

You felt your legs being spread further apart with his strong hands. A loud broken moan left your lips at the feel of his mouth meeting your soaking wet pussy. He dove between your legs, licking a stripe up through your folds and teasingly dipping his tongue into your entrance before he travelled up to your clit, spreading your lips with his wet muscle and sucking your button into his mouth.

You practically screamed at his actions, arching your back slightly off the bed once again. You felt your body trembling terribly. You needed more. You tried to grind your wetness slowly against his lips as your body continued to shake.

Strong arms were suddenly locked around your thighs, securing your hips with his biceps, holding you still despite your attempts to grind your pussy against his lips.

“You taste so good, baby girl. I could eat this pussy all day.”

You felt heat overwhelm your senses more as you felt Joel chuckle against your heat. His tongue was lapping sloppily at your lower lips. Squeaky, senseless noises came out from your throat. You were squirming, it was so good you could barely even figure out what he was doing with his tongue.

“Fuck, Joel baby, oh my goooood” you cried out loud. You were certain that if people walked outside your house that they would have heard you by now. He sucked lazily at your clit while he moved to slip two fingers into you. Joel eventually sucked harder on your clit, still occasionally swirling his tongue around your little bud while moving his fingers inside you a bit faster. You kept chanting his name between moans as you now hold onto his hair with both of your hands.

“Please, I’m so cloooooose.” You whined.

As Joel sucked your clit harder, you gasped loudly as you felt your whole body trembling even more and then you felt your body tense as you came against his mouth. Your whole mind felt like exploding and all you could see were stars. You felt truly overwhelmed by the amount of pleasure and emotions you were experiencing. Your body continued to tremble as you felt yourself come down from your high.

You felt Joel’s tongue still licking up your pussy as he retreats his fingers from your pulsing hole. His mouth felt heavenly, but you whined at the sensitivity. He moaned as he licked against your tight hole, licking up your release, his tongue prodding your entrance.

“T-too much.” You whimpered at the overstimulation.

Joel ignored your pleads, moaning against your heat as he continued to eat you out. The man you love so much that was between your legs kept sliding his tongue up and down your sensitive slit. Your little mewls and other noises spur him on, to move his lips back up to your clit. He sucked the nub softly between his lips. You were grinding your hips against his face as moans kept spilling off your lips. This time he didn’t hold you back from fucking his face. Eventually he leaned down, slipping his tongue into your entrance, he curled the muscle upward to brush your walls, the sight of your fingers bunching the fabric of the sheets in a tight grip encouraging him to do it again.

You were a mess of his name, you chanted his name over and over again. Your hips moved against his face as you continued to whimper and moan breathlessly underneath him. Writhing below him, you felt him lick up and press against a sensitive spot inside that had you seeing stars, while your hips bucked against his face uncontrollably. Defiance and greed consumes your thoughts, your fingers once again gripped onto his peppered hair rather harshly and hips pushed against his face to shove his tongue deeper into your hole.

“Ahhh Joeeeeel—” you drag out. You were really so close, you just needed one more little push.

“Come for me kitten,” he whispered against you, before plunging his tongue back inside you as his thumb came up to press against your little bundle of nerves. That does it, your dam broke down as you came against his mouth as your whole body wouldn’t stop trembling. You came with a loud whine, your hips stuttering as your vision turned white. You cry out his name, your voice unable to remain steady. Your fingers were tightly woven through Joel’s hair and your hips pushed so far against his face, you almost thought you were suffocating him.

“You’re always doing so good for me baby, I love you so much my sweetheart.” Joel whispered against you. As you slowly came down to reality again and you tried to catch your breath, you heard him praising you softly while he continued to lap at your wetness gently, until you whined because the overstimulation was getting too much for you. You Nudged your leg against his face as you tried to squirm away from him, Joel’s mouth finally detached from your heat.

He quickly licked the wetness off his lips and the places he could reach before he crawled up to you with a smile, to kiss you deeply, cupping your face in his hands. You moaned at the taste of yourself against his tongue, your eyes fluttering against his skin while you kiss, his wet beard against your face, your arms wrapped around him to pull his body closer against yours. You sighed, against his mouth, you felt yourself melt in his embrace already. You can feel his soft mouth smiling against yours, as the kiss gets more heated.

Soon your hands start to grip his body tighter against yours, your legs tangling together. It's like you're both starved, this insatiable hunger for each other.

You couldn’t help but roll your hips against his to feel his cock. It turned slick as you kept grinding yourself against him, and he had no trouble gliding his hips against you and rutting it into your clit.

“Oh, fuck” Joel rasped, and it was because he reached down and grasped himself to line up between your lips and slide. He kept rubbing the head of his cock from your entrance, up to your clit, circling until you squirm underneath him, and back down. He loved the sounds you made as he spread his precum around your slit, where you are still dripping for him.

You gasped openly into his mouth, desire growing quickly. You quickly realised by the way he felt while he rubbed against you that he was huge. You were still so wet, but the thought of him finally entering you with his big cock made you wetter. Joel swallowed your whines with his lips against yours, hips rolling against yours. He kissed you full with fervour, his grip on you intensifying heatedly.

You were trembling against him, filled with anticipation. His broad body covered your body with his. Loving how bigger and taller he was than you. You writhed against him, wishing he was just in you already and filling you up and making you see white.

“Are you ready for me darlin’?” He whispered as he looked deep into your eyes. “Let me know if you want me to stop and I will.” He promised.

You bit your lip and nodded, too shy and excited to talk, as you rubbed your pussy against his dick.

“Fuck,” he grunted, “I need you to use your words kitty.”

“Yes,” you whispered breathlessly.

“I’ll try to go slow at first, okay, sweetheart?” He said before leaning back down to kiss your lips again, he reached down and grasped himself to line up between your lips and slide. He rubbed the tip firmly over your swollen clit then moved down to your wet tight hole and your mind was all over the place.

“P-please J-Joel…” you stuttered as your body trembled even more underneath him.

He rubbed himself up and down your slit for a while longer before one of his hands lean down to spread your outer lips sliding his dick teasingly around your core. You arched your back slightly and whimpered loudly out of frustration.

The moment you want to beg him again he leaned down to line it up with your entrance. Your legs trembled underneath him, a mix of nerves and excitement. Joel slid the tip in so slowly it was agonising. Your lips part with a gasp. He was careful, like he was afraid you might break. You let out a long broken whine as he gradually pushed more of him inside you. You whined at the stretch of him. He was so big. You thought big was an understatement, he’s huge. Your tight pussy clenched around him as it tried to accommodate his massive girth. Joel continued to push more of his cock inside you. He leaned down to kiss your lips gently as he moved more inside, hoping the sweetness of the embrace will soften the sting.

His hips stilled once he heard you gasp loudly. “So full…”

“Do you think you can handle more?” He smiled tenderly as he looked down at you.

“T-t-there’s m-more?” You stammered with wide eyes.

“Yeah,” he said breathlessly.

“Please,” You closed your eyes and whined as you nodded. You gripped the bed sheets between your fingers as you begged him for more.

“Good girl,” he groaned softly. You thought there wasn’t a possibility to get more wet but as he said those words you felt your heat get sopping wet. Your pussy continued to pulse and clench around his cock as he moved deeper inside you.

Once he bottomed out, you felt his tip kiss your cervix. Joel let his body rest against yours as he allowed you to adjust to his size. You felt so full, as if he was made for you, and only you. The feeling of him filling you up so completely had you seeing stars and digging your fingernails into his shoulders.You felt one of his hands finding your hand, lacing them with yours as the other one reached up to your face.

His breathing was heavy as you squeezed his cock repeatedly. Small whimpers left your lips as you squirm underneath him.

You needed more.

You slowly opened your eyes to look up at him with pleading eyes. “Please, Joel.”

“My sweet girl needs me to move?” He asked teasingly, as he cocked his head to the side.

“Yes, please.” You begged as your pussy clenched around his thickness rather hard which made him moan. “I need you to fuck me so bad.”

He licked his lips before he nodded quietly and started moving slow and deep, one hand reached down to play with your clit, while the other held your hand tightly. The sting was hurting for a while, but it easily morphed into a more pleasurable feeling as he moved against you. You’re so overstimulated from all your previous orgasms that the sensation he was giving you is mixed between pain and pleasure.

He grunted as he dropped his head to your ear to kiss and lick at the sensitive skin just below it.

“Such a tight pussy,” he groaned.

The angle was so good, but when his pace picked up he finally leaned down to wrap his arms around you, the action made you gasp and you grab at the sheets around you, to fuck you harder and faster.

“You’re taking me so well, baby. Doing so so, good for me. Y-you’re so perfect.” He whispered as he nuzzled his face against your neck.

You whimpered as his lips moved back up to your lips, enveloping them in a passionate kiss. At a certain point you felt the end of his strokes slide into a pressure point in your core that has you clenching like a vise around his dick. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head from the pleasure he was providing you. A loud noise like nothing you’ve ever made escaped your throat, a strange cry of his name.

“Feeling good sweetheart?” He grunted, a small smirk forming on his lips.

His mouth covered your own instead as he swallowed your mewls, you could feel the tightness return in your belly, the tight coil that pulled tight, tight, tighter. His lips slid away from yours, wet and swollen and his breathing harsh as he tried to suck in air again, and everything was too much. It was just too much for you to handle.

He quickened his pace, his hips snapped up to yours to a fast tempo. “This pussy was made for this cock, isn’t it, baby girl?”

His hands couldn’t get enough of you, sliding around your hips and lower back, wanting to feel all of you, touch you everywhere. You moaned at the feeling of his speed, your fourth? orgasm of the night, coming so close. Your arms wrapped around him and your nails dig in his back making him groan. The feeling of the coil tightening in your belly, tingling down to your legs, ready to snap at any moment.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, cursing under his breath when you purposefully tighten your walls around him. “You look so pretty when you’re stretched around my cock, Christ I bet you’d look so pretty full of my cum too.”

“Please…” you moaned as you thought about him filling you up. “Please Joel, fill this pussy up.”

He groaned as he buried his face into your neck as he fucked into you, making the whole bed rattle at his force.

“You want to cum sweetheart?”

You nodded frantically at his words with your eyes closed as you bit your lip harshly. He brought one of his hands down, rubbing your clit with enough pressure to ensure you’d cum.

“F-fuck fuuuck, Joel-Joel, oh my god. I’m going to—!”

“Cum for me, my pretty angel. Let yourself go. Cum all over me.” He moaned against your ear.

Your whole body trembled as you came with a loud cry, your body squirming underneath his as you held his body closer to yours, your nails digging in his back, scratching it. That time around, the orgasm felt more intense than the others, you were feeling so overwhelmed by the pleasure. Joel groaned in your ear as your walls spasmed and pulsed around his cock, begging him to cum inside, desperate for him to fill you up the way he promised.

“Fuck,“ he moaned, pushing himself up as he thrust deeper into you, the head of his cock hitting your cervix repeatedly. “You want me to fill this pussy up? Until it’s all full and messy?”

You nodded vigorously at his words, whining even more at the sensitivity. Your pussy squeezed around his cock in anticipation. “Please…”

He groaned loudly, as he cummed inside you. The warmth of his seed filled you up and spread within your walls. You whimpered at the feel of his cum dripping out of you.

Once both of you caught your breaths, Joel leaned his forehead against yours before kissing you tenderly.

“Please… stay.” You moaned softly.

“Of course baby,” he whispered before pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead.

“Want you to stay inside.” You whimpered as your pussy clenched around him.

Joel groaned, wrapping his arms around you before rolling both of you onto your sides. “anythin’ for you, baby.”

“I love you Joel.” You nuzzled your head into the crook of his neck, enjoying his strong hold on you.

“I love you too sweetheart. You’re everythin’ to me.”

Both of you continued to caress each other’s bodies, whispering sweet nothings, kissing and holding each other until you both fell into a slumber.

Joel caught your heart, promising to hold onto it forever.

[helenvader]

23, 27, and 29 for the Get to Know Your Writer ask game, if you are interested in answering those.

Thanks for sharing this game. Love hearing about other writers' approaches.

Thanks for the ask! These were difficult, especially 23.

23.

Best writing advice for other writers?

I’d divide it into two categories. Personal and technical.

Also: I do not consider myself the ultimate authority on writing, so the technical part is to be taken with a grain of salt.

Personal:

PLEASE do not compare yourself to others. Admire other people’s work, but write like you. You are good, cast those doubts into a black hole!

If you are only beginning, do not be discouraged if you feel like your writing is not as good as you’d like. Most of us wrote crap when we started. It will get better! 

Do not be discouraged if you do not have many comments or kudos. My best story has very few, and while it can be frustrating, that is the story I wanted to write, and I wrote it the way I wanted, fully knowing it will never get popular.

Answer the people who commented on your fic. They are to be treasured like diamonds.

Some writers pull off writing a story/chapter in a couple of days, some might take several weeks/months. There is no better or worse. Take all the time you need.

Do not despair if you have a writer’s block. It shall pass!

Technical (this is my personal opinion, not general rules - everybody writes differently, after all):

Avoid exposition if possible.

Show-don't-tell is your friend. It seems like a horrid cliché, but it is true.

Sometimes less is more. There is no causal relationship between quality and word count.

Read your work checking for mistakes (grammar, punctuation, typos) before you post, especially if you do not have a beta reader (and I know good ones are hard to find).

27. What is your most and least favorite part of writing?

Most favourite: when I manage to write something that I feel is really good.

Least favourite: When I have time and mood to write, but whatever I write is not worth anything. Which brings us to writer’s blocks. Not a favourite of anyone! Right now I am in a middle of a huge one. Boo.

29.

What’s your revision or editing process like?

I edit during the writing process, and also mark words/passages that I think might be better expressed (I am not a native speaker of English). Before I give my work to my editor, I thoroughly read the story at least once. My editor does several things: a) checks the grammar, b) tries to give suggestions on passages that are still marked, c) gives me an honest opinion about what needs re-writing (she is always right). Once, with a one-shot, she gave it back and told me, you can do better. I made a complete rewrite and yes, she was right again. The story turned out to be 500% better than the first version. Also, we discuss every story together. This is why I call her an editor rather than beta-reader, because that’s exactly how professional editors work.

She doesn’t edit poetry, though. That one's on me! :-)

[mrstsung]

Rules:

Plz read before interacting

💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚

I am well above being a minor. I am also not your babysitter. If you are not of age nor comfortable looking at content that is intended for 18+ audiences. You need to either leave,block me,or find another blog. Course this is a mortal kombat fanblog and self ship blog. YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

Psa: I am not a babysitter. If you don't feel comfy looking at certain content. Plz do not look. I try to tag ass much as i can that my nsfw writing is for mature audiences and try to inform others that if you are not comfortable with said content, are not allowed to view said content,etc. Plz do not consume said content. You can't blame bloggers and content creators for responsibly tagging and you still consume it and then complain to them about said content when you looked when they gave you warning. But if you still insist on consuming the content. This is in your responsibility. Im not discouraging anyone fron reading smut. (We've all done it,don't lie) but you should know about safety and the consequences of going into nsfw spaces or spaces that have that available. Dont complain the rain is wet because you were stupid to go out into that storm knowing full well you'd get wet without your umbrella. Same goes with nsfw writers,content creators,and artists. Tho tumblr is hella oof when it comes to this stuff anyways. But i want y'all to know this upfront. I tag my posts accordingly to the best of my ability. And give a fair amount of warning. The rest is up to you.

I am a huuuuuuge mortal kombat fangirl. Been a fan of the games since i was but a baby gamer,been a fan of the 95 movie too. So expect me to oogle at this. I have very little people to properly talk to. Also im hella awkward but friendly.

I have my own au and mixed bag of nuts timeline. Because the main timeline is so messed up and all over the place. It feels like a rip off of the mcu. No offense. I'm oldschool with mk,so this is a way of me keeping it simple. If thats not your cup of tea thats fine too. But that's what i go by.

Plz no slander,rude comments,or creepy shit in my askbox. I will leave it open till further notice. Anons will be turned off tho. As i dont trust like that. If there is any whiff of disrespect,hate,etc. I will turn off the askbox.

I am a shang tsung simp and mostly post about him. But a few of my other faves will have honorable mentions. But this is a shang type thang goin on here.

💚heart and soul🐍 : self ship tag with shang tsung

Everything else will be tagged as normal and accordingly. I have other self ship tags as well.

I mostly write for myself,i don't really take requests. I used to in the past but it got so overwhelming. So i mostly just do stuff for me. I apologize if that sounds a tad selfish of me in this small fandom we have here. But i really feel more comfortable just doing content stuff for myself. But i will share and reblog as much as i am able to.

I have adhd,anxiety,and i get overwhelmed easy. So plz be gentle with me. This is important for you to know.

Added on. I actually do have a irl significant other. (I'm adding this just because ive had weirdos in the past be creepy to me,i forgot to mention this. My apologies. My significant other follows me on this blog too. Plus he likes some of my content as well and wants to support me too)

If you wanna see my content you will have to follow me. Tumblr has either wrongfully banished me to the void or the app is absolutely garbage. Either way. You will have to follow. I will try to get back with you asap.

That's all for now. Just the basics and important things. If you wanna know anything else just ask. Enjoy your stay 💚

[stylesluxx]

unashamed – e.call

[warnings: alienation]

summary: in which embry isn’t ashamed of y/n | tradgoth!reader | requested!

word count: 1,685

masterlist

By now, you were used to all the stares. Well, actually, no one stared anymore, just stayed away from you.

You don't know what turned people off; was it the jet black hair or the black lipstick? Maybe it was the eyeliner and the big black combat boots? But did you care? No.

Your mom thought it was a phase, but you never felt more confident in the way you looked.

When you first were getting into your look, your classmates stared, and you heard all the whispers. It was discouraging at first, but your mom always told you to hold your head high no matter what.

At first, it was the big black boots. Your eyes almost turned into hearts at first sight of them. But then you wanted to push it even further, the novelty of the boots wore off. You went for all black clothes now, ditching the floral skirts and donating whatever else wasn't you anymore. You wore your favorite black boots with black dresses, black shirts, black mini skirts, black jeans, as long as it was black, you would wear it.

Once you had the perfect wardrobe, you started doing your makeup. Black eyeliner, thick or thin, long or short, depended on the day.

But soon, that wasn't enough, and to complete your full evolution, you went and got box dye and dyed your hair jet black.

The whole style change garnered you the eyes of the entire school, but once they got used to the look, the stares subdued.

You were happy people no longer stared, but now you felt alienated. You were always shy, never had any real friends, just people you'd talk to in class. But no one would speak to you now.

You thought that maybe you should go back to your old look, but that wouldn't change anything. People would think you were confused, and they already made up their minds about you.

So, you held your head high, confident in yourself. Sure, you wished people would talk to you and give you a chance, but it wasn't worth trading your confidence and happiness for it.

But one day, you were in the library, not looking for any book, in particular, just thumbing along the spines. You finished reading the summary on the back of a book, and as you were looking for the spot you took it from, your eyes met another. The staring brown eyes were on the other side of the bookshelf, unwavering from yours.

You blinked and felt your cheeks heat up, not used to the looks anymore (but it was also just weird that someone was looking right into your eyes). You coughed gently, hoping to distract the boy across from you, but his soft amber eyes were unwavering.

"Um, are you alright?" You finally spoke up, keeping your voice low since you were in the library.

He seemed to have snapped out of his gaze. His face that displayed shock, was now covered with joy.

"You're Y/N, right?" He asked, an aloof smile on his face as he reached down to grab his backpack.

"Uh... yeah, Y/N," You nodded and walked as he quickly walked around the shelf.

He was now standing in front of you, tall and slender, warm russet skin, and the brown eyes that were just about ingrained into your brain.

"I'm Embry!"

He stuck his hand out, waiting for you to shake it. You hesitantly met your hand with his and shook it.

"Yeah, I know. We've gone to school since freshman year," You chuckled awkwardly.

You tried pulling your hand away, but it was practically glued, the way Embry was gripping it. You tugged it back, giving him a tight smile, and turned to walk away. It wasn't a lot, but you weren't used to the chitchatting, so you were growing uncomfortable. You were used to being isolated, forced to be alone.

"Wait, do you think... you could... help me find a good book?" He asked as if trying to make something up.

You raised an eyebrow but still nodded, walking a little further down the aisle.

"This is my favorite book, like, ever. You might like it, I don't know, don't really know what you like," You shrugged and grabbed the book of the shelf, handing it to the boy.

"Thank you. I'll make sure to give it a read. And I'll let you know what I think," He nodded and looked down at the book in his hands. "Do we have any classes together?"

"I don't really know; I just focus on the lesson if I'm honest," You shrugged. "But yeah, definitely let me know if you like it."

"Okay, I will. I better get going, they're waiting for me," He sighed and looked back at the table at the end of the aisle.

At the small circular table was Jacob Black and Quil Ateara. You didn't realize the two of them were there, their eyes locked on you and Embry. But now that you noticed them, they looked very on guard, ready to jump into action. But nothing crazy ever happened at your school, so you don't know why they were so tense.

"Yeah, you do that. They look like they're about to combust," You joked and turned away. "Talk to you later, Embry."

From then, you two grew to be practically inseparable.

He read the book fairly quickly and found you during lunch, going on and on about it. All you could do was smile; it was rare that someone liked something just as much as you did. And to hear him go on about it made you happy because he was happy, and you could see his eyes twinkle as he talked.

It became something like a book club, but you were always talking about things other than the books you'd recommend to each other. You were hanging out after school, getting pizza, watching the movie versions of the books you read. It was a great time. You finally had a friend.

Of course, you had to overcome the disbelief that he wanted to hang out with you, and it took even longer for you to believe he didn't care what other people thought.

He would wrap an arm around your shoulder, and even though you'd get flushed with embarrassment, he wouldn't think anything of it. You weren't embarrassed by him, of course, but now all eyes were back on you. You heard the whispers (you always did). The boy that went off the rails and joined a "gang" with the goth girl. It was all the school could talk about for weeks.

But the pack didn't think anything about your new relationship with their pack brother. They were happy, which you thought was weird; you thought they would judge you and maybe try to talk him out of it.

You found out about the pack and the imprinting after Embry invited you to Emily's for dinner one weekend.

He was asking you about how often you had to dye your hair, honestly intrigued. This made Paul laugh and say, "imprinting makes you interested in the most random things."

This comment caught your attention but what made you even more suspicious was Seth nudging him and saying, "bro, he didn't tell her yet! Idiot."

You had looked over at Embry, an eyebrow raised, but he just gave you a sheepish smile. You let it go for the time being, but the next movie night you had, you pressed him.

He spilled though you found it weird, you weren't going to push away the only person you had.

"So, Jake and Quil heard when I said they were going to combust? Like, because of the good hearing thing?" You asked, hand over your open mouth.

"That's your only question?" He chuckled and pulled you into his chest, kissing the top of your head.

You didn't know when you two had crossed the line from best friends to boyfriend and girlfriend, but you theorized it was that night.

He gripped your hand as you walked into the cafeteria. Instead of sitting alone at lunch, you sat with the pack and Kim. It made you happy to feel like you were a part of something. Something that accepted you for who you are.

"Maybe you can do that thing you do with your eyes on my eyes," Embry said, his head supported but by his hand as he looked at you lovingly.

"You mean eyeliner? You'll really let me?" You asked, your eyes lighting up with joy.

"Yeah, sure, seems fun," Your boyfriend shrugged nonchalantly, but you knew he was bubbling with happiness just at the sight of how happy you were.

"Y/N, please send me a picture of that," Quil chuckled, making Embry roll his eyes.

It was tv night at your house, very different from movie night. Leave it to your boyfriend to make a big deal about the difference. ("It's the principle!")

Tonight you were starting Golden Girls (Embry's choice. You wanted to start Community but Embry won rock, paper, scissors fair and square).

"Who even introduced you to Golden Girls?" You asked, holding the black eyeliner pen in your hand as you started your project.

"My mom, of course... duh Y/N," He mumbled the last part, making you giggle.

You finished one eye and went to move to the other, but you paused. At first, you were looking at your work, but then you started thinking about how perfect he was and how grateful you were to have him in your life.

You hadn't realized you were smiling like a goofy idiot until Embry spoke up.

"What? Did you mess up?" He asked and reached for the hand mirror on the coffee table.

"No, I just realized how much I love you, that's all," You shrugged and went back to doing his eyeliner.

Once you finished, you pulled back and kissed his cheek before looking at your masterpiece.

"You look great!" You smiled.

"Do I look like you?" He asked, smiling back at you

"Even better, baby."

[AN: heyyy, it’s me back from the dead. sorry I’ve been gone for like a month but I had the worst writer’s block omg. hopefully you all like this and I hope this somehow pushes me to keep writing but we’ll see lol]

[ambrosiaaddiction]

Not Meant To Be

Word Count: 3,750

Summary: Anthony became the center of your attention, and it seemed as though his feelings were mutual for you. But in light of recent events, he’d only be able to comfort you in more ways than one. With the help of a loyal friend, you have no doubts that Simon will regret leaving you.

Pairing(s): Anthony Bridgerton x reader, Simon Basset x reader

Part 3/6

a/n: Sorry for the incredibly long wait! I knew that editing takes time, but I didn’t think that I would have writer’s block for, well, however long I’ve had it. So much has happened, and I lost motivation after motivation. Although, it’s not entirely fair for those of you who want to read Bridgerton fanfic. Without further delays, here’s part 3!!

                   ⋘ ──── ∗ ⋅◈⋅ ∗ ──── ⋙

One might think that when he stood outside my home with roses, Viscount Bridgerton had finally set himself on the route to having a family of his own. The Viscount was welcomed by Charles and invited inside, which caused Mama to almost fall over her feet. “Lord Bridgerton! Heavens! What a pleasant surprise this beautiful afternoon to see you!”

It took a lot of willpower not to roll my eyes at mama's change of mood from just minutes earlier. Lady Bridgerton wrote to me her apologies, that were not even pertinent at all, and mama blamed me of humiliating the Bridgertons yesterday. Papa didn't make his typical remarks, but I knew what he had been pondering regarding my misdeeds.

Other than that, Lord Bridgerton told them his hellos, and when he saw me in the family room, his smiling face grew greater. “Miss Denbow, good afternoon. As it always is, you never cease to look so exquisite.” If I wasn't mistaken, I assumed he was intending to flirt with me, and undoubtedly fooled mama with whatever act he was putting on.

“Lord Bridgerton, how kind of you to give my daughter compliments after seeing what she did yesterday at the picnic. In this town, you and your family are truly the most genuine.” Mama was eager to speak in my place, and when she tried to bring up the incident for the second or third time, I swallowed thickly.

Anthony’s mouth twitched at the corners, and he stepped over to me in order to gift his bouquet of roses. “Lady Denbow, I do not blame Miss Denbow for anything. She was suffering and knew no other way to communicate.” Before he slipped back, his fingers lightly stroked both of my hands, then he sat in an empty chair.

Cheeky bastard. He was making light of my missteps, which Mama considered especially inexcusable. And for his compassion, I could not have been more forever thankful. “Oh, Lord Bridgerton, thank you. To hear you say that alleviates my anxiety. And thank you for these roses.” I ran over the smooth petals with my thumb, then bent closer to take in the fragrance of them.

But once again, with more berating remarks on my ‘unladylike’ and ‘outrageous’ nature, Mama ruined the temporary pleasant environment. “I can't understand why, my lord, you want to court her. She may be my only child, but I'm sure she would be a far better choice for another lord of her equals.” My own mother had a toxic tongue which might ostracize her if she didn't take caution of others.

In order to defend against the offensive expressions she was thinking about me, as if I weren't really there, I opened my mouth, but Anthony decided to stand up from his seat and settled next to me. “I'm going to say this as politely as I can, Lady Denbow. What Miss Denbow did at the picnic was not wrong, and she's a wonderfully capable young lady. You are her mother, and I must admit that what you have said makes me very mortified.”

With discomposure, Mama's face grew red and, at last, she remained at a loss for words. “Lord Bridgerton, my apologies. Forgive your mama, y/n. My intention was not to negatively impact you such a way. I'm worried you can't even defend yourself.” Excuse after excuse were all I heard coming from her, but I needed to leave this conversation in the past.

“Mama, I'm forgiving you. But please don't think of me like that. When you do not see that I am well aware of what I'm doing and what I believe is important, I am in despair. I'm no longer a little girl.” Mama nodded, but in sensitivity, she refused to speak as she left Anthony and I in the room alone. "Well, either that may well have gotten out of hand, or the way I hoped it would.”

A chuckle escapes from the Viscount, and I recline against the back of the sofa with a tired sigh. I loved my mama and papa, but sometimes they treated me like I would never age from my childhood years. Despite having no brothers or sisters, I had friends who supported me and shared the same interests as I grew older.

Having Lord Bridgerton here was an enigma that I couldn’t fathom, but I appreciated how he stood up for me when mama complained without cease. Now that she was gone, I took the opportunity to ask him as to why he came to my home. “Anthony, can you tell me the reason for your visit? We both know that you don’t have intentions to court me contrary to what outsiders might believe.” I crossed my arms and waited for a reply, which was his hand resting on the top of my thigh. Perplexed, I looked over at him to see his eyes full of sympathy.

“Y/n, what Hastings said could have been less severe than they actually were, and Daphne chastised him for doing so.” Anthony began, his grip squeezing in reassurance, and he gently pulled it away once I’ve had enough time to comprehend what he told me. It warmed my heart to hear that Daphne was upset in my stead, although I’m sure anyone in their right mind would have done the same for me.

My thoughts wandered to how both the eldest child and the Duke of Hastings were famous rakes with great influence. One had brothers who would take his title and estate if he were to pass, whereas the other had no known relatives and only Lady Danbury to defend his name after his death. I found it funny that I’ve fallen in love with the latter, and he was treating me like I didn’t have a place in his place.

I must’ve been worrying Anthony with my lack of response because he waved a hand in front of my face to bring me back into reality. I shook my head of the unrelated topic and smiled sheepishly at him. “I’m sorry. I became lost before I realized that I’d drifted off.” “Oh, it’s quite alright. Trust me, I do the exact same thing when I’m alone.”

“I’ll be impartial with you, Anthony. I hadn’t given it consideration that your sister would do such a thing, and for me, no less. Perhaps I’ve had the wrong impression of her from the beginning. Everything is going terribly, and I haven’t been able to think properly.” I wore my heart on my sleeve for him to see, and I didn’t care about exposing my weaknesses to him. But Anthony seemed be torn between hugging me and giving a simple pat on my shoulder lest an unwanted third party were to walk in.

If anyone noticed the unusual display of affection, then news would spread that rather than waiting to fulfill the courtship rituals, I was advancing on a lord. He wouldn't be much of a gentleman, in Anthony's opinion, if he were to neglect a woman in distress. “When you weep, I don't like it. It so pains me when I'm labelled useless, but when you're laughing, you look the most spectacular, y/n. Simon's blind and ludicrous, but I know you really love him, don't you?”

“You're right, my lord. Again. I need to let go of my struggles and to live my life to its fullest. The Duke encouraged what I would like to go do, become, and pursue, but under false premises, he is intimately involved to your younger sister.” I forced my body to stand, and in confusion, but without doubt, Anthony quickly followed. In my own house, it felt too stifling, so I concluded that a stroll outside would hopefully help take my mind off what occupied it at the moment.

“Is there anything other than whining and moaning that I could do instead? Wait, Queen Charlotte is holding a ball for her nephew, is she not? I do believe his name is Prince Friedrich.” Anthony gave a short nod, and I could tell that he was already dreading a night of being surrounded by desperate mamas along with their unabashed daughters. Who would blame the Viscount for trying to discourage total strangers from making unwelcome advantages?

I was unexpectedly given the best idea by his affirmation, and I couldn't wait to put it into motion. I wanted to prove my worth to Simon, which would make Anthony and the Prince the ideal partners to irk him. “What say you to opening Simon's eyes in the notion that I attract His Highness tonight? I will have to be in the most magnificent ballgown, and I know that you can help me with this.”

“In the heat of the moment, it won't take a lot of effort to raise feelings of inadequacy in Hastings. He will be fixated on Daphne and attempting to keep conversations with literally everyone who comes across him, but I don't find it unlikely that he will be observing you with the Prince. I know I wouldn't have the means to take my eyes off you, my dear.” That was just what I expected to hear from him, and furthermore. I felt that I had done well enough to seek a Viscount who had awareness of everyone else around him.

Then that settled it. I was going to win the Prince's favor, and Simon would spectate from the sidelines with no likelihood of attempting to snatch me away. It felt invigorating even to think about how it would play out tonight, but it would be seamless with Anthony's help. “For your time and soothing words, I am beyond delighted, Anthony. Until the ball, there is more than enough time, so I want to use it to aim for perfection. Tonight, I hope to see you, my lord.”

“Miss Denbow, I am forever happy to console a lady when she is enduring pain. And indeed, tonight, to my great reluctance, you will see me. For now, I will leave you and I look forward to enjoying your progress.” Anthony bowed as he started to walk out of the family room, and with a curtsey and a goodbye, I accompanied him to our front door.

Since then, hours have passed, and I finally found a dress from Lady Delacroix that was incredible. She wasn't even from France, and her accent didn't fool me.  Not important.  My makeup was done by Marianne, my hair was styled by Lucinda, and mama lent me her diamond necklace to wear. It matched the diamond earrings I got from papa on my eighteenth birthday, and tonight, nothing could go wrong. I was positive of that.

The time had come, and I was one of the few to arrive at the castle fashionably late. The eyes of all were on me, making my chest swell with pride. I got a glimpse of Simon and Daphne who were standing by the refreshments, and they couldn't stop watching as I elegantly walked down the stairwell.

To my amusement, Prince Friedrich was the first one to approach me, and he held my hand and placed a feather-light kiss on the back of it. “Good evening, my lady. You are by far the most beautiful and hypnotizing center of attraction in this ballroom. May I inquire for your name?”

I concealed the lower half of my face with a fan and smiled with my eyes, captivated by his mannerisms. “I have the luxury of being graced by your presence, your highness. My name is y/n Denbow.” After I've presented myself, Prince Friedrich's face lit up, and he guided me off the the last two steps. “To my ears, your name is like music, and it's perfect for a maiden like you, Miss Denbow.”

His flattery would make any young lady practically beg the Prince for a dance at the ball. Well, if he could ever tear himself away from me, that was. “Thank you, Your Majesty. You make me feel like I've got my head in the clouds. If you keep complimenting her, you will certainly find yourself a maiden to court this evening.” From my comment, I swore he blushed a bright red.

“Ah, hello, Prince Friedrich! Miss Denbow! I see that you have made friends with each other. Y/n, I'm so happy you've arrived safe and sound back in London.” Lady Danbury tapped her cane on the ground twice to emphasize her excitement, and I couldn't have been more relieved to see a familiar face among those whose names I couldn't match.

“I have so much to tell you, Lady Danbury. But not here, especially when I came so late.” I apologized to the Prince and wrapped my arm around Lady Danbury as we walked into a more private area. She furrowed her eyebrows together, but she didn't inquire until we got to the place where we could be alone. “Well, speak to me, y/n. What are you so worried about? And why did you come by yourself?”

I bit my lower lip and exhaled deeply, which all the more displeased Lady Danbury. If I tried to explain my desperate condition to her, she was going to have countless questions, and I knew she would never let Simon live in the humiliation he brought upon himself. “I'm sure you've recently read Lady Whistledown's column, and my relationship with Simon, Lady Danbury, is complicated.”

“Unbeknownst to me, when I was in France, he and Miss Bridgerton declared their engagement. He did not give me a letter or even a note when I returned to London that he had gone ahead with a marriage proposal to a young woman he had never met before. I invited him and the Bridgertons to have a picnic just yesterday. I have never been able to remain quiet forever; you know this, Lady Danbury. He lashed out at me, claiming that if he had known that I would be so self-centered and petty, he would never have gotten to know me.”

She went on a tangent as I predicted about how she raised and trained "the shameless rake" to do better than what he did. During the length of her grievances, I remained silent, then patted her arm softly when she started to run out of words to illustrate the Duke. “Compared to his late father, he's not terrible, but he might just be so after he treated you, y/n, and I apologize on his behalf.”

In disagreement, I shook my head, not acknowledging her apologies because she had nothing to do with that. In the sense of flirting with Prince Friedrich, all I wanted from her was to be an addition to humiliate Simon. “If we succeed, then he'll see the good thing that he lost because he agreed to marry another needy girl.”

This caused Lady Danbury to chuckle at my remark, and I had an inkling that her mood improved just a little bit. “I’ll take part in your schemes, girl. Now, let us return to the ball before we’re asked of our whereabouts.” She winked playfully, then gently pushed me back the way we came from.

Men and women danced to their heart’s content, their veins pumping with champagne and even the possibility that they will be courting after tonight. I see Anthony and Simon quietly bickering where no one could eavesdrop on the conversation, but their secrets weren’t going to be hidden from me. “Lord Bridgerton, I thought you promised me a dance?”

I chimed into the midst of their argument, and Simon’s mouth hung open in shock. He quickly closed it, though, and I bowed to him as acknowledgment for his presence. Anthony gathered the remnants of his dignity before offering a hand for me to take. “My apologies, Miss Denbow. I promise you that never slipped my mind from the moment that I asked.”

After the brief yet nerve wracking encounter with the Duke of Hastings, I’m led to have a dance with the Viscount and my new partner of schemes. I felt everyone’s eyes glued to us, which makes me uncomfortable because of the unwanted attention, but it dissolves when Anthony nudges me to look up at him. That’s when I knew how much I admired the man, and perhaps, there wasn’t any obstacle that we wouldn’t be able to overcome.

I may have lost my first love to Daphne, but I also had the power to pull the necessary strings to get what I wanted. Anthony tightened his grip on my waist then closed the gap between us, and out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Simon glare at our swaying figures amongst the others. The spectacle made me laugh softly against the Viscount’s shoulder, and his chest rumbled with a quiet laugh of his own.

“I believe that taught him a harsh lesson, don’t you think, Miss Denbow?” Anthony whispered into my ear, and an involuntary shiver ran down my spine. After clearing my throat, I nodded in agreement. The man wasn’t exactly reputable in every way, but he damn well had my respect. “Yes, it most certainly did, Lord Bridgerton.” I replied, head tilted downwards to avoid eye contact with him.

Once our dance came to an end, I was approached by Prince Friedrich a second time this evening. Young and older women alike flocked around his highness, and I took a small step closer to Anthony in fear that I would be ridiculed by them. Wait, what am I thinking? I shouldn’t be afraid of the people that make their bosoms unnaturally larger than they actually are nor should I be backing away!

“Miss Denbow, may I have this next dance? It’d make me extremely delighted.” Prince Friedrich asked, unknowingly breaking the tension growing between myself and the disappointed women behind him. All I gave him was a smile along with an enthusiastic nod, and Anthony released his arms from around my waist. “I’d love to, your highness. And I could say the same about myself.”

The prince took my hand just when the next song began to play, and we danced as if we were one. If I were being completely honest, he needed a little more practice with his feet, but I was enjoying myself nonetheless. We shared a few words and I kept glancing over our shoulders to see if Simon was keeping an eye on us. In fact, he had been watching the entire time, and Anthony gave me a signal that our plan had succeeded.

I bowed deeply to the prince when our dance came to its regrettable end, and bid him farewell for the rest of the night. Simon appeared out of nowhere then pulled me to an empty area despite my cries of protest. “What do you think you’re doing?! Just because you’re jealous does not give you the right to drag me as you so please, Hastings!”

“Will you keep it down, Y/N?! We both know that I’m not the only jealous one here.” He huffs angrily, and for the first time in a long time, he’s rendered me utterly speechless. No, I won’t play by his rules. Not when there was so much more for me to accomplish. “I don’t know what you mean. I’m simply fulfilling my role as a maiden who hopes to have a courtship.”

Simon rolled his eyes in disbelief, turning away from me so that I’m only staring at his broad shoulders. I’m beginning to lose my calm composure, and the more I stay alone with him, the less I’ll want to leave. He can’t learn of the nights when I suffered alone in France, and he certainly couldn’t force me to risk my reputation for his sake.

“You’ve changed, Simon.” My voice broke at the end of my sentence, but I continued to speak. “I’m not doing anything for you, so don’t get your hopes up.” He scoffed, not convinced by my words, and turned back to face me. His arms find their way around my body like they used to in the past. The next thing I knew, we’re kissing passionately against the cold marble walls.

He had me mewling his name over and over again, begging for a release that was on his fingertips. Simon muffled my sighs of pleasure with his mouth, and we fixed the bridge that was crumbling between the two of us. When we were satisfied, he muttered apology after apology as he kissed my skin. But we both knew that we run away with the position that he was in.

“I’ll figure it out, so wait for me. Please, Y/N.” “Don’t make me promise you, Simon. I want you to prove to me that I’m the only woman you love.” I kissed his neck and cheek, my heartbeat slowing to its normal pace before I fixed my dress. We’ve both been gone for too long, and I didn’t doubt that I would be questioned of my whereabouts.

Simon understood the weight of my words as well as what we would both face when we left separately. He kissed me one last time, and made his return to the ballroom until I did the same. Thankfully, neither Anthony or Mama asked where I had been, and I could breathe easy again. But now I was even more conflicted than before. I made Simon jealous, which ignited sex and doubt that we would be together after all this time.

Although... if I were to adjust my original plans in order for us to have a wedding and deal with the consequences afterwards, then it shouldn’t be very difficult, would it? Well, we would just need to face the challenges when the time comes, and I was determined to have Simon all to myself again.

[thescreamingraven]

Promise 3

Dabi x reader

Genre/warnings: Fluff and angst, mentions of injury, swearing.

Words: 7 510

Summary:  Trying to fix what’s broken is not always easy.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

Hey, hey, so sorry this took so long I had a bit of a writers block but here it is, I’m thinking of doing part four soon. I think this turned out pretty well tho.

≿————-　❈　————-≾I

It was already quite dark  outside, bright street lights added to the scenery as small snowflakes began to slowly decorate the sidewalks. Inside the cozy home, the smell of deliciously cooked food still lingered. It would’ve been a peaceful night if it weren’t for your loudly pouting son, who refused to listen to you.

  “Enji told me I’m strong enough to come…” your son pestered you.

  You put back one plate in the sink, looking down at the boy in front of you if you could call him that… he was soon going to be fourteen and in agreement with Endeavor will be starting U.A in only a couple of weeks. He was so eager to get into action that he wouldn’t stop pestering about letting him start patrols early.

You saw Hawks walking out of the bathroom with his hero suit on.

  “Give the kid a chance Y/n, it’s not like he will be doing it alone.” he chirped.

  “See, even Hawks agrees with me.”

  You crossed your arms, and leaned on the kitchen counter, giving Hawks a death stare, which he tried to soften up with his casual smirk.

  “It could be an early birthday present?” Your son suggested.

  You sighed and let your hands fall in defeat, his puppy eyes taking a toll on you.

“Be back by midnight or you’re grounded.”

  You could see his face light up with joy as he gave you the tightest hug imaginable.

You gave him an encouraging smile, before gesturing him to go get ready, as he was rushing to his room you shouted. “Don’t forget your jacket angel, it’s quite chilly tonight.”

  “He’s grown up so fast…” Hawks walked closer to you and leaned on the counter.

  “That he did…” you smiled before looking back at him. “Are you sure it’s safe? Criminal activity has skyrocketed recently and-”

  “He’ll be fine, we won’t let anything happen to him… promise.” He gave your hand a light squeeze.

  You both stayed silent for a moment before Hawks spoke yet again.

  “So… when are we going to tell him?”

  Your smile slowly faded away as you slipped your hand away from Hawks.

  “Soon…”

  “You’ve been saying that for almost 5 months now-”

  Hawks was interrupted by an opening door from your son’s room as he quickly rushed back to the kitchen.

“Sorry to keep you waiting Hawks, you ready to go?”

  Hawks concerned look was replaced by his usual wit and charm as he yammered.

  “Always ready for you, kid.” He turned back to you. “We’re heading out.”

  You nodded, saying a quick goodbye and getting back to the dishes you were doing.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  Hawks quietly closed the front door and caught up to S/n, who was casually standing near the sidewalk. “Ready to fight crime?” Hawks asked as he approached him.

  “Hell yeah I am, I still can’t believe she allowed me to go.”

  “Your mom’s just worried about you, kid.”

  “I know, but she can be a bit overbearing sometimes… I’m not five years old anymore, I can fight now…”

  “It’s better to have that kind of parent than none at all.” Hawks murmured.

  “I know.”

  “Anyway… ready to go?”

  “Hell yeah.” your son grinned.

  “I like your enthusiasm, kid.”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  It’s been fourteen years since that day….

    You were sitting on a nearby chair near the receptionist, patiently waiting for Endeavor to arrive with your daughter. You thought about your conversation with Dabi and silently prayed that he would only make the right choice. Your thoughts were interrupted by your daughter’s excited screams as she dragged the tall figure across the hall.

She let go of Endeavor’s hand when she saw you and leaped into your arms with a huge grin on her face.

  “Mommy, daddy’s not asleep anymore.”

  You gently brushed strands of hair from her face, softly purring.“I know angel… and he can’t wait to see you.”

  You looked up at Endeavor.

“Will you-”

  “I think I’d be better if I stayed back for a bit…. I don’t want Tou—Dabi to get the wrong idea.”

  You gave him a nod, setting your daughter down on the ground, taking her hand in yours as you took a deep breath before opening the door. Your eyes wandered to the bed Dabi was lying in moments ago, but yet you found nothing.

Your daughter stood there confused, tugging on your hand and asking for her father.

Endeavor saw the way you froze and came to investigate, when he saw the bed empty he called the nurses to ask if they’d seen him leave. But you assured him you were sitting near the door the whole time and didn’t see him leave, the window wasn’t open either.

You walked over to the nearby stand and found a brief note with only two words on it.

  I’m sorry.

Ever since that day, your daughter changed. She became closed off and cold, whenever you tried talking about her father you were met with silence until one day you mentioned his name, and she responded with a shocking answer.

  “Dabi… who’s that?”

  The doctors said it was something called dissociative amnesia, and that’s why she couldn’t remember her father, her brain blocked him out, it being a traumatic event. You were scared that she may forget everything else, but the doctor quickly calmed you down.

After her amnesia started she became her old self again, the same warm, hopeful person you once knew. She never asked for her father’s whereabouts, she just enjoyed life, spending the days with Endeavor, completely forgetting about her father's quirk.

Endeavor had suggested for her to become a hero like him, but your daughter just brushed it off. Instead, your daughter left the country  to follow her dreams, she got into a good college and made her own life… she even met someone special...

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  After you had your son, life became a bit more complicated, him being born with your quirk and having the number one pro hero as his grandfather really boosted his confidence; he began to train in secret when he was only seven years old, but it didn’t stay hidden for long. At first, you were a bit skeptical about the thought of him becoming a hero... but when you saw how your son’s face lit up when Endeavor suggested training him, well how could you say no?

  Your son hated Dabi, ever since he first saw one of his victims appear on the news he vowed to himself to at least destroy him if not all villains.

So when he asked about his dad…it got a little awkward, you would brush it off saying you’d explain it to him when he’s older. After a few years, he just gave up accepting the fact that he didn’t have a father… well, not a biological one.

  Ever since Dabi left, Hawks stayed glued to your side like a magnet, attending to your every need and satisfying your every craving. He even took some time off work, of the last few weeks of your pregnancy, whenever you would ask him about his generosity he would just brush it off with “I guess it’s my bird instincts” But you knew it was something deeper than that, he never had a normal family before maybe this was his way of establishing one.

When your son was born, Hawks didn’t leave his side, you didn’t know why he did what he did, taking the father role in his life as he did, he was there when he said his first words and took his first steps. He used to get up in the night to feed him and babysat him while you worked. While his actual father was doing god knows what... you tried calling him and texting him several times yet to no avail. Endeavor suggested to go out and find him, yet you declined the offer. If a villain is what he wanted to be, then so be it.

  You were furious at him for being such a stubborn person that he was, if only he would’ve stayed and actually solved the problems together rather than taking them on himself… maybe things would’ve been different...

Your thoughts were interrupted by a notification from your phone, you stood up from the couch and walked over to it and were met by a concerning message from Hawks.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  Hawks and S/n were walking through an empty valley, dim street lights barely lighting up their path.

“So… this is patrolling, huh.”

  “You don’t sound very excited, what... is this too boring for you?” Hawks leered.

  “I just thought there would be more action is all.”

  “The league has been really quiet recently, they’re probably planning something big.” Hawks stated before he caught a glimpse of curiosity from the boy beside him. “Don’t look at me like that…if your mother learned that I put you in danger in any way, she would make me a flightless chicken with that death stare of hers.”

  “You’re such a sap, ya know.” S/n chuckled.

  “Sorry?”

  “Y/n this, Y/n that… just go kiss her already.”

  “I don’t think you understand how relationships work.” Hawks scratched his head nervously.

  “You’ve been doing this for years, Hawky it’s time to make a move.”

  Hawks coughed, speeding up his pace, trying to hide the embarrassment so clearly written all over his face.

  “Is it because of him?” S/n wondered, catching up.

  “Him?”

  “My dear old dad… you shouldn’t be discouraged, he’s probably dead, anyway.”

  “Wh—why do you think so?”

  “Well, I assume since neither one of you are telling me about him.”

  “He’s—it’s complicated-”

  “And we’ll tell you when you’re older, right, right. I know the poem.” S/n mocked.

  “But isn’t it the perfect reason to confess soon? If the guy is still alive, who knows she might get back with him… so you should make a move while she’s still single.”

  “Ya know, when I thought about what I’d be doing with my life, I certainly did not imagine getting dating advice from a kid. Have you ever even seen a girl?” Hawks teased.

  “Of course I have, you ass…”

  Both of them walked in silence for a while, before S/n mumbled. “I think you’d make her really happy… and I-” Hawks saw the way S/n hesitated before continuing. “I wouldn’t mind having you for a father.” he quickly added.

“If you tell anyone I said that I’ll make sure you suffer a worse fate than being a flightless chicken.”

  “Kid I-”

  Hawks stopped himself from speaking any further when he heard a noise coming from behind them. He turned around shushing S/n and trying to listen in to the noise, which now became clearer...

At least 10 figures appeared from the shadow covered corners surrounding the two of them.

Hawks stepped closer to S/n, pulling him against himself, and mumbled.

“Stay close kid.”

  The pursuiters stayed quiet, letting out a few maniacal laughs.

  “Why are we not attacking?” S/n whispered, his question being ignored by the hero as he scanned the situation thoroughly.

  Suddenly another shadowy figure appeared, yet this one was a bit taller and muscular than the others.

  “Well, colour me impressed, here I thought you were dead already.” Hawks remarked as the figure slowly stepped into the light.

S/n froze upon seeing the scared men clearer, he looked even more monstrous in person.

  “The league wants to have a word,” Dabi spoke, looking at Hawks who was trying to keep S/n from his piercing eyes.

“They always do, sadly I don’t have time for a tea party at the moment… how does next Tuesday sound?”

  Dabi only rolled his eyes and gestured to the goons. “Get the bird, I don’t care what you do with the kid.”

  The ten figures let out several chuckles before slowly beginning to walk closer.

“It seems it’s your lucky day, kid. I’ll take the right side and you take the left.”

  “This will be fun.” S/n grinned.

  It all happened very quickly, the five figures on the left attacked S/n. He could tell they were inexperienced, so it didn’t take that long for him to defeat them, yet Hawks had a more tough time fighting, trying to dodge Dabis attacks which were thrown randomly for his amusement, no less.

Yet he wasn’t careful enough, one single slip up, caused Hawks to lose balance as he tripped and landed near S/n. He tried to get up again, but his muscles weren’t complying. He looked back up to Dabi who’s blue fire seemed to get uncomfortably closer by the second. He closed his eyes, shielding himself with his wings for the upcoming attack…. And yet nothing came, he quickly let his wings fall onto the ground and saw S/n standing before him with his arm raised, fresh steam coming from it, his hand burnt, now purplish and Dabi standing there frozen.

Dabi let his flames dive down, slowly walking forwards.

  “You’re-” S/n mumbling was interrupted by sharp, throbbing in his hand, he fell to the ground screaming in pain as Hawks rushed to his side.

Endeavor must have heard the commotion as S/n could hear his voice in the distance yelling something he couldn’t comprehend. He saw Dabis eyes hesitate before he slowly backed away, back into the shadows he came from; he saw Hawks who was shouting for Endeavor to hurry and restrain the remaining goons and he slowly fell into darkness.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  The two heroes quietly sat in the waiting room, anxiously looking at the staff that were passing by, before a familiar voice casually spoke. “He’ll be fine mister Endeavor, whatever caused his hand to burn up like that did some serious damage but with some stitches, we were able to fix it.”

“Thank you, doc we appreciate it.” Hawks sighed. “Could we… see him now?”

  The doctor gave them a quick nod before walking away, both of them followed close behind as Hawks tried to calm down his shaking heart.

They walked over to one of the rooms on the right wing before the doctors opened the door.

  “He should be awake soon, and whatever you have the time, there are some forms that I need you to sign.”

  “That’s fine, just give us a minute?” Hawks asked, walking over to the boy’s side.

  The doctor mumbled something under their breath before walking out.

Hawks scanned the boy’s hand, which was now heavily bandaged. “Y/n is going to kill us.” he looked back at Endeavor. “Did you call her already?”

  “No… not yet.”

  “Good, let’s… just wait a little while longer…”

  Both were quiet for a moment before Hawks mustered up the courage to ask.“Do you think he knows…?”

  “I’m sure he does, it isn’t that difficult to figure it out.”

  “So what do we do about him ? If he tells the league-”

  “He won’t, you and I both know that.” Endeavor cut him off.

  “We don't, he isn’t a very predictable person Enji and even if he doesn’t, those goons of his will. Didn’t you tell me one got away?”

  “Yeah… I’ll take care of it, in the meantime...I think we should postpone his U.A training…”

  Hawks looked down on S/n unconscious body remembering the endless tiring training sessions the two of them had.

“There has to be another way… he worked so hard for it, maybe we can take certain precautions-”

  “We’ll talk about this at home… I better go and tell Y/n,” Endeavor declared, pulling out his phone.

  “I’ll do it, you’re not exactly too subtle with words, you stay here.” Hawks stood up from his seat, pulling his phone out of his pocket, and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

  Endeavor sat there quietly, thoughts racing of what he should do, a thought of moving you two out even further away from the city flashed his mind, but he quickly shook it off. When he lifted his gaze from the ground he saw S/n laying awake, examining his hand.

“It’s good to have you back, son… how are you feeling?”

  “I’m fine… can we go home?” He asked with a gloomy sigh.

  “I don’t think that’s…”

  The door suddenly opened, revealing a slightly irritated Hawks, with the doctor following behind him.

“He’s all free to go if he wishes, just try to be careful with that hand of yours… it will sting for a while…”

  “Thank you, doc.” Hawks asserted. “What would we do without you?”

  “Do you seriously want me to answer that?”

  Hawks chuckled, walking over to S/n bed and giving him an apologetic smile.

“Ready to go home, champ?”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  You sat patiently waiting on the couch as the door finally opened and your son walked in holding his bandaged hand. You rushed to his side, pulling him into your arms, trying not to squeeze too hard. “S/n… are you okay? Does your hand hurt?”

  “How… how could you keep this away from me….” he mumbled, pulling back.

  “Kid-” Hawks tried putting a hand on his shoulder to calm him down.

  “Don’t touch me, don’t you fucking touch me.” your son choked.

  “Angel...”

  “Shut up, you’re no better.” he snapped. “I need an honest answer and you’re going to give me one.”

  “Is he—Is that sociopath, murderous bastard, really my father?”

  You and Hawks looked at each other before murmuring “I… yes he is....look I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I just-”

“We didn’t want you to overreact,” Hawks added.

  “Oh… oh… you thought I would overreact? Yeah, okay, so instead of just straight up saying hey you have a sociopath for a father, you hide and keep it a secret from me. Well, you got your overreaction, I hope you’re happy, bursting with fucking joy no doubt.” S/n mocked.

“So for how long were you planning to keep this to your deary selves?”

  “We-”

  Endeavor finally decided to join in the conversation.

“As long as we had to… if the public found out--if the league found out you’d not be only putting all of us in danger but yourself as well. The league could use you as their trumpet card.”

  Your son stood silent for a minute, thinking if he should continue to stand his ground or walk away, he decided he needed to cool off first before continuing this conversation and walked away, shutting himself in his room with a loud slam.

“I need to go talk to him…”

  “No, what you need to do is give him some space… he’s confused and hurt, adding more fuel to the fire won’t make it go out faster.” Hawks reassured you, wrapping one of his arms around your waist and leading you into the kitchen.“Let’s sit down and I’ll make you some tea, alright? Enji do you want some?”

  “Can’t... I need to go to my agency, explain what happened and all.”

  “I… alright try not to take too long.”

  Endeavor only hummed before walking back to the entrance.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  “I’m sorry…” Hawks said with a sense of guilt.”I should’ve listened to you. I feel like such an asshole for convincing you to let me bring him along.”

  “You’re not the one to blame, I should have told him sooner.” you stammered.“What if he never forgives us… what will we do… I’m so scared Keigo… I-”

  He pulled another kitchen chair beside yours, wrapping his wings around and holding you close. “He will... just give the kid some time.”

  “How can you say that so confidently, look at Endeavor, and… he never forgave him.”

  “Different situation.” Hawks assured. “What’s the saying? Time heals all wounds.”

  You hugged him tighter and mumbled into his shoulder. “How did—how did he look?”

  Hawks sighed. “He hasn’t changed much… maybe a bit more scarred.”

  “I see… did he… you know...”

  “No, he didn’t say much.”

  “Why was he even there? You told me that area was secure.”

  “The league really wanted to have a word, whatever that means.”

  You pulled away from his warm comforting embrace and cupped his cheek

“I’m… I’m glad that you’re okay, you are okay, right?”

  “Yeah, a few cuts and bruises here and there but I’m fine… I should probably go clean up now that you mention it, don’t want them to get infected.”

  “I’ll help,” you muttered.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  When S/n slammed his door, he immediately fell against it. He sat there, his hands on his knees, staring at the mirror in front of him, his mind racing empty but at the same time full of thoughts.

He sat there for a long time, listening in on your conversation with Hawks. He sighed, finally getting up, and walked up to the mirror. Standing there, he looked over his features. He looked at his face and couldn’t help but finally see how similar the two of them actually were; he remembered Dabi's sharp eyes smiling at the amusement of Hawks struggle... how did he not see it sooner . He looked down at his hands, flashbacks coming back, the blue flame consuming it, consuming him.

You’re just like him.

  How could you ever be a hero?

  Murderer…

  Monster….

  His mind raced to every possible possibility of his future, is he destined to become like him?

  It’s in your blood…

  That will be you someday, and everyone will hate you.

  Your family hates you, that’s why they lied.

  They fear you...

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud shattering noise, as he looked up, he saw his fist covered in blood, the mirror shattered, shards all scattered around the room. But yet there was still one small piece hanging up. He looked at it, and when he did, he didn’t see himself; he saw a broken, battered figure that so clearly resembled him.

S/n stumbled back, his breathing becoming quicker and quicker. He reached for his phone that was laying next to him on the ground and tried calling the only person he thought could help. It was already almost two am, so he could only pray to get a response in return.

After a few tries, the person finally picked up, with a sleepy undertone in his voice.

“Hello?”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  S/n walked through an almost empty street when the playground finally came into view. On the swings sat a slouched figure, slowly rocking back and forth, his head was fixated on the ground, as he tried to push the sleepiness away.

The figure’s gaze quickly left the ground as he heard someone's footsteps approach his direction. He gave S/n a small wave and gestured for him to take a seat at the swing next to him, and so he did.

  “I’m sorry I called so late…” S/n mumbled.

  Shoto looked over at the kid, who was tapping his boots nervously. His eyes quickly made their way to the freshly bandaged hand.

“It is quite alright, you didn’t sound good on the phone… Did something happen?”

  S/n shook his head as he stayed quiet, trying to muster and find the right words to say.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  “And done…” you chirped, gesturing Hawks to stand up from the chair.

  “Thanks… see I told you it wasn’t that bad,” he replied, putting his shirt back on.

  “Yeah…”

  You put away the bloodied towel and looked back in the direction of your son’s room.

Hawk’s eyes softened as he approached you. “I’ll go check on him, okay?”

  Your eyes snapped back to Hawks as you let out a sigh.

“I’d appreciate it,” you muttered.

  Hawks mustered a smile as he stood up and gave you a few pats on the head, before walking away and heading to your son’s room direction.

It was only but moments before he was standing at your son’s door, trying to listen in on any movements from his side. Not hearing a sound, he took a deep breath in and slowly turned the doorknob.

  “S/n…”

  He stopped, freezing up as he scanned the room. The window was open; the mirror laid shattered, shards scattered around everywhere, he saw S/n phone lying on the floor, and a few drops of blood on it.

  “Y/n we have a problem, ” He yelled, running back to the kitchen to pick up his phone.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  S/n told Shoto everything that happened in great detail, trying to muster the strength against his bottled up emotions. After the whole story was told, the both of them remained silent, before Shoto finally spoke.

  “I know how you feel.” he trailed off. “I’m sorry this happened to you S/n… But you have nothing to fear, the two of you are nothing alike, you might have his quirk but you’re still your own person.”

  S/n stayed quiet as he kept his eyes on the ground.

  “You should go home now, the others might worry where you’ve gone.”

  S/n sighed before, humming in agreement, he got up from the swing, stretching out his arms. He turned back to Shoto.

“Can you… not tell them that I was here?”

  “I don’t think-” Shoto stood up and glanced at S/n who seemed exhausted from the evening’s events.“I… alright, let’s go I’ll walk you home.”

  “Nah, It’s fine, it’s just 10 minutes away I’ll be fine,” S/n reassured.

  “It’s still quite late. I don’t think that it would be safe to let you go home alone.”

  “Oh cmon, I have a murderer’s quirk on my side, what can go wrong?”

  “S/n…”

  “I’m just joking Sho, trying to brighten the mood a bit, anyway I’ll be fine.”

  Before Shoto could disagree, S/n was already walking away and waving him off.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  He walked on a nearly empty street, the cars around him rushing, while he kept his hooded head down on the road.. His mind became a little calmer, like an ocean after a storm everything was calming down. He was so focused on his thoughts that he didn’t notice a quiet figure following him like a cat. He stopped near a crosswalk, looking up and waiting for the light to change, before he suddenly got grabbed and pulled roughly, a hand covering his mouth, he didn’t have any time to respond, everything became fuzzy as he was fastly pulled into what looked like a portal and thrown out the other side.

He moved onwards before quickly getting up into his fighting stance, ready to use his quirk on whatever or whoever grabbed him. Yet he wasn’t met by his kidnapper, only by a white haired man, who had some sort of hand on his face. S/n stood there for a second, trying to figure out if he should make a run for it or attack.

The quiet man poured another glass of whiskey, lifting one of his fingers from it, careful not to dust it. After the glass was half full, he murmured something under his breath before taking off his mask and giving the kid a creepy grin.

  “Come, take a seat…” the man gestured to a nearby bar stool.

  “Who are you and what do you want?” S/n hesitantly asked while he looked around the room.

  The man stopped his drink halfway to his mouth.

  “Ah, where are my manners, I’m Shigaraki… and you are?”

  “I’m-”

  “I’m joking, I already know who you are, you’re Dabi's little creation…” Shigaraki grinned. “You know, as Endeavor's grandson, he didn’t do a good job of protecting you… I mean you were just wandering around like a lost puppy.”

Shigaraki once again gestured to the empty seat next to him.

  “It’s not nice to reject a drink ya know.” Shigaraki looked at him, his grin slowly being replaced by a frown “Anyway, you must be thinking, why are you here? Well, I have a very appealing proposition for you, a deal of some sorts.”

  “Let me guess, you want me to join your evil boy club, is that it?”

  “Don’t call it that, ” Shigaraki snarled. “But yes, I want you to join the league ... now I can tell you’re hesitant, but think about it you’ll be accepted here.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Why do you think they kept it away from you for so long?”

  “How do-”

  “They’re afraid of you like everyone else will be when they learn the truth…”

  That will be you someday, and everyone will hate you.

  “Shut up.” S/n hissed.

  “What about your dear old dad? You wouldn’t want to disappoint him now would you?”

  “He’s no father of mine.”

  You’re just like him.

  Shigaraki spun around on the chair, drink still in hand.

  “You might deny it now, but you’ll be crawling back here in no time… it’s in your blood, the hero society is broken enough, help me make it better.”

  It’s in your blood…

  “Shut up.”

  S/n wanted to walk away, he tried blocking out every word thrown his way, his eyes desperately looking for the exit, Shigaraki only stared at him, wondering what the kid will do next when the door of the hideout suddenly opened and an irritated Dabi walked in the room “Shiggy I’m back from-” he spotted his son in the room and immediately hissed. “Why is he here?”

  “Oh, him? I just wanted to have a brief chat with the kid, welcome him into the family.” Shigaraki grinned, turning back to face the bar.

  “I’m sure you did.” Dabi scoffed, making his way to S/n, grabbing him by the color and dragging him away while he struggled.

  Before Dabi could open the door, he heard Shigaraki quietly mumble to him.

“Didn’t think you were so soft Dabi.”

  Dabi rolled his eyes while his son kicked him and babbled. “Let go of me you freak.”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  Dabi followed S/n close behind, stealing glances at the unfamiliar place he was leading him to, before he suddenly stopped on some old bridge, not budging to go any further.

  “Why did you stop?” Dabi asked, looking around at the old factory.

  “I’m not going to show a villain where I live.” your son returned going near the rails and leaning on them. “So leave me the hell alone, alright?”

  Dabi took a deep breath in, feeling slightly irritated, yet he couldn’t contain the drip of proudness rising in his chest, the kid might be stupid but at least you taught him well he thought. He approached S/n calmly, not trying to start a fight, as he could see the kid was on edge before he leaned against the rails next to him.

  “Listen-”

  “I don’t want to hear it…” S/n responded immediately.

  A painfully awkward silence filled the air as the two stood under a poorly light street light looking at the slowly moving water.

“I hate you”  S/n murmured.

  “I know.”

  “So that’s it? You won’t say anything else?”

  “I don’t think it will change much even if I did,” Dabi said casually.“You look… a lot like Y/n… is she—how is she doing?” he added, gripping the railing a bit too tight for comfort.

  “She’s doing good, a lot better without you no doubt.” your son smeared.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  Dabi's heart painfully ached, after so many years the memories of your warm touch still lingered in his mind. A few days later after he left the hospital he came back to your old burnt house, your future home as you used to call it, he walked around the ashed trying to calm down the stinging feeling in his chest, he could’ve gone back, hell part of him screamed and begged him to, but he was too much of a coward, running away seemed easier them facing his father and facing the reality of crimes he committed, going back to that house filled the shadows of the past. Part of him also knew that betraying the league never ended well for anyone, and no matter how far or how long he would run, they’d always catch up. So he decided to suffer in silence and finally do something else than be selfish with his life.

  He walked around in ruins of what was once his home, spotting a cabinet that was badly burnt but still standing in what seemed to be your bedroom. He carefully opened it and shivered, looking at the slightly burnt photo. He recalled the event like it was yesterday; it was your daughter’s sixth Christmas; she was babbling and rambling all day, while you both tried putting up Christmas decorations, Christmas music played in the background and the smell of cookies filled your small little home. At the end of the day, you pestered him into taking a photo with the three of you. He so desperately wanted to disapprove but your daughter’s puppy eyes convinced him otherwise. You printed it out, and kept it close, calling it a good luck charm, and here it was still okay. Dabis hands trembled as he reached for it, carefully wiping the ashes from the photo, trying not to make it dirtier than it already was, and put it in his pocket, walking away with his lost treasure.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  “I’m glad,” he whispered, a sad smile plastered on his face, before looking back at his son. “Whatever you think of me, it wasn’t easy for me to just leave.”

  “Mhm, right, because you care so much.”

  “Watch it,” Dabi growled before softening up once more. “How’s… D/n?”

  Your son froze, looking back at him before mouthing. “Wait… you’re her father too?”

  Dabi didn’t say anything before pulling out and carefully showing him the photo.

S/n hesitantly took it and mouthed, looking over it. “Are you kidding me…?”

A revengeful thought came to him as he looked it over, still trying to comprehend it. He could see this little picture meant a lot to the poor villain who was carefully observing him, anytime S/n would move it, he could see him grow a bit on edge. Yet he took pity on the monster standing near him and shoved it back into his hand.

  “Well, you can be happy then, she doesn’t remember you,” he murmured, returning his hand on the railing.

  Dabi froze, giving him a doubting look.

“Yeah, she has some sort of traumatic amnesia or so I’ve heard.”

  “Amnesia… what happened?”

  “I don’t know I wasn’t told much,” S/n remarked. “But hey now you have one less burden to worry about, don’t want to mess up your future plan.”

  “Is that why you think I left?” Dabi spoke, tightly gripping the photo which remained in his hand. “I did it to keep all of you safe and give you a good shot at life, not because you’re some burden.”

  “No, you left because you’re a coward, stop trying to justify it with some sacrificial bullshit.”

  “Listen here-”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  Hawks has been flying around the city for almost 2 hours now, frantically searching every nick and cranny he could think of, he felt like ripping his feathers out, how did he not pick up the mirror breaking, how could he let S/n leave, or worse, maybe he was taken?

So many thoughts were rushing through his head as he finally allowed himself to breathe. He landed on a nearby rooftop pulling out his phone with intention of calling Endeavor to report the update, before he spotted a familiar figure on a bridge near an old factory, the bridge was on the brink of collapsing so no one bothered to light it up properly. Two figures were standing under a badly cleaned street light, which now began to frantically flicker.

Hawks quickly dialed Endeavor, explaining his suspicion and telling his location. Endeavor asked him to wait, not knowing if it could be a trap, but Hawks with a foggy mind and his protective instincts didn’t listen, he murmured a simple “see ya soon” and hung up the phone. He looked back in the direction of the bridge and let himself glide off the rooftop.

Dabi stopped talking when he saw Hawks approach them, he only looked at S/n, stuffing the photo back into his pocket, and mumbled. “Looks like our time is up.” before S/n was fastly carried by Hawks feathers away from the dangerously close villain.

Hawks landed near S/n, surprising him as he frantically searched for any kind of injuries.

  “You okay kid?” he looked back at Dabi with a nasty look. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

  S/n pushed himself out of Hawks grasp. “I’m fine.”

  Hawks looked at him with sadness and guilt in his eyes, which turned into fury and hatred when they fell on Dabi, who was now casually leaning on the bridge railing. Hawks pulled away from S/n and approached Dabi with a feather blade in hand and pointed it at his throat.

  “Why did you take him?” Hawks barked, trying to search Dabi's cold demeanor for any kind of tricks.

  “I didn’t take shit, he was the one that found me.”

  Hawks looked back at S/n, who only looked away with guilt running across his face. Hawks gave him a disappointing glare before turning back at Dabi, who was unfaced with the deadly weapon pointed at his throat.

“I know what you’re trying to do.”

  Dabi cocked his eyebrows. “Do you now?” he jeered.

  “S/n doesn’t need a screw up like you for a father nor does he need your baggage, leave him be.”

  “Playing the father role well I see,” Dabi responded ignoring Hawks’ sudden outburst.

  “I couldn’t let a child be fathered by a scoundrel like you, now could I?”

  How Dabi wanted to tear down the oversized chicken limb from limb, finally take his revenge for ruining his family, for taking you away from him. His hands were beginning to itch and beg him to give in to his little temptation. He looked past Hawks at his son, god he looked just like you , his mind replayed your voice trying to calm him down as the temptation quietly disappeared into a pile of mush.

Dabi furrowed his eyebrows, turning around from the confrontation, and stepped back.

“I don’t have time for this.” He stoically stated, trying to hold back any kind of resentment towards Hawks.

  “Running away like always?” Hawks remarked, getting no response from the grim figure who slithered away in defeat.

  After he disappeared from view, Hawks turned back to S/n, who was standing nearby, tapping his feet nervously. Hawks approached him, throwing his jacket over the boys shoulders, and growled.

“We’re going home.”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  You were pacing around the living room, phone in hand, waiting for any news on S/n whereabouts, when suddenly the front door opened up. You rushed to the door.

  “Did you—Angel hey are you okay? You’re not hurt, right?” you blubbered, scanning his face for any cuts or bruises.

  “How’s your hand?”

  “It’s fine, mom,” he responded shamefully, looking at the ground.

  “You really scared me sweetheart… where were you?” you hugged him tightly, massaging his back, and mouthed a quiet “thank you” to the heroes patiently standing nearby.

  “I don’t want to talk about it… can I go now? I’m really tired,” he mumbled, pushing you away.

  “I…”

  “Good night.” Your son said as he walked off to his room, quietly closing the door behind him.

You looked back at Endeavor and Hawks, who moved over to the couch.

  “What happened? Where did you find him?”

  “He was with Dabi.”

  “Dabi… what? Why? Did he kidnap him?”

  “No, it seems the kid found him first.” Endeavor tried calming you down.

  “Why would he-”

  “We’re not sure...but right now we should all go rest it’s been a tough night.” Endeavor stated.

  Hawks stood up and got ready to head to S/n room to give him the speech he thought of in the car before Endeavor stopped him.

“I’ll talk to him, you go rest.” He looked back at you, nodding to Hawks, who hesitantly took a seat next to you, wrapping one of his wings around you, slowly massaging your back.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  Endeavor approached the door and knocked a few times, not hearing a response he pressed on the handle and the unlocked door opened with ease.

He stepped inside closing the door behind him, spotting your son, laying in his bed with his back turned, as he was slightly shaking behind the covers, clearly trying to calm himself down.

Endeavor sighted, not bothering to turn on the light, and sat beside him. He sat there for a while, his mind racing with all the things he wanted to say, or should’ve said, yet nothing came up.

  “You won’t be going to U.A.” he finally stated.

  Your son froze, and quickly sat back up, now facing Endeavor. “You can’t do that.”

  “I already called the school.”

  Your son ran his hand through his hair trying to come up with a valid argument.

“I also think that you should stay homeschooled for a while, seeing as there is a high chance of probability that the league knows you exist.”

“I know you worked hard, but your safety is far more important,” he added tapping S/n gently on the shoulder.

  Your son was too tired to answer but gave Endeavor a little nod.

  “Good, now get some sleep.” Endeavor said as he stood up from the bedside. He walked over to the door and looked back with a serious gaze.

“Don’t run away again, am I understood?”

  “Yes sir” your son responded letting his head fall onto the comfortable pillow.

  “Good.” Endeavor muttered closing the door behind him.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

It’s been almost a week and your patience was starting to run out, six days with only blunt responses from your son, him denying to eat your food or even come out of his room, and tonight you decided enough is enough and walked over to your son’s room with Hawks following close behind.

You turned back to him, trying to justify your sudden outburst. “I just want to see if he’s doing alright…”

  “I’ll go with you,” he reassured, giving your hand a light squeeze.

  You gave him a thankful nod before gently pressing on the handle and cracking the door open. Your son was sitting on his bed, with his earphones on, listening to something, paying no mind to your sudden entrance. His cheerful demeanor now became grim, dark circles under his eyes were too big for comfort, his bandage hand now bare.

Hawks hand fell on your shoulder as he gave you an encouraging glance. You took a deep breath in, before approaching his bedside and sitting next to him. Your son immediately looked up to you and Hawks who was leaning against a nearby wall, looking at him with his soft eyes. S/n took off his headphones and mumbled. “Please leave, I really don’t want to talk to any of you.”

“It’s been a week, kid, you can’t just keep ignoring us like this.” Hawks lilted.

  “Honey…” you tried reaching for his hand but he pulled away instantly. “I know--it's hard and I shouldn’t have kept something like that from you… and I’m deeply sorry.”

  “Good to know, the doors right there you can leave now.” your son jeered.

  “Can you at least come out of your room and eat something? I don’t like when you hurt yourself like this,” you said, once again reaching out to him.

  “Don’t touch me,” he said, pulling away. “You kept it from D/n as well didn’t you?”

  “D/n… her situation is different from yours…”

  “How?” he asked, not sparing you a glance.

  “She knew who he was… but after your d—Dabi left she couldn’t handle it, so her brain locked him out of her memory,” you explained in a simple manner.

  “And you let her leave just like that... “ your son scoffed as he got off from the bed. “Were you going to do the same with me?”

  “We-”

  “You know what, don’t answer that… I don’t think it’s good for me to hang around you two right now.”

  Your son walked towards the door but Hawks moved, blocking it. “You need to calm down, kid.”

  “Get out of my way Hawks.” your son warned, his sleep deprived, and angered mind getting the best of him.

  “You need to stop throwing tantrums and listen-”

  Hawks was interrupted by a loud explosion, he felt like he was falling before he hit something hard, his ears began to ring, he felt limb trying to gasp for air and he desperately fought to keep his eyes open as he felt warm like wood liquid falling down his face. He could see you desperately run to him, tripping over the fallen door, your soft touch masking the terrible pain he felt, he slowly reached for your cheek, accidentally smearing it with his blood, trying to wipe away your tears that wouldn’t stop coming.

He slowly shifted trying to spot the boy he carefully tried to father throughout his life, only to see him, standing there in the smoke of a now destroyed corridor, dark smoke surrounding him, as his sight got worse he could swear the little boy turn into a monstrous shadowy figure, who was now darting away. Hawks tried reaching out to him but he seemed to be getting further and further away by the second, he mumbled something under his breath as he let his body and mind succumb to the dark slumber he so craved.

[seyaryminamoto]

I recently saw a video where GRRM talked about how he saw two different kinds of writers. He mentioned the gardener(planting the seed of an idea and letting it grow) and the architect(who plans out and organizes everything ahead of time). Obviously, every writer is a little bit of both but I was wondering which you relate to more and if you’d be willing to share some more about your own writing approaches and processes :)

I think I've answered similar questions in the past, but it'd be near impossible to dig it out in this ridiculously big, chaotic archive of my blog xD so I guess I'll answer it again, and if we come across the previous answers I've given, it'd even be fun to compare if there's anything different in the answer these days (?)

Personally, I think the best way to go about this is to have a mix of both things, but for me, it's in a very specific manner.

While I absolutely see the value in letting a story spiral and grow into whatever it wants to be, I have to say I don't think my best work comes from that. The lack of structure is similarly liberating and dangerous, because if your story's purpose isn't something you, as an author, have really made up your mind about, it's 100% possible that the story will end up going in very strange directions that MIGHT not make much sense, when you look at where you started out.

I've told this story a few times, but it bears repeating xD my first "serious" attempt at writing (by which I mean, I took it seriously, not that the content itself was super serious, since it was a trainwreck more often than not xD) started off as a perfectly happy romcom high school story! And tbh, to this day I love it as it is... but I know, I KNOW, that I totally warped the initial purpose and process of the story when, upon fulfilling the first bit of conflict in the story and leaving some massive loose ends I had to wrap up, I found myself at a loss because I had no idea how to continue. I was seriously, genuinely, at a loss for ideas and storylines to keep going. What, then, did I come up with?

... my happy romcom characters ended up embroiled in an organized crime catastrophe that has ZERO build-up in the first part of the story xD

(To the eagle-eyed who might have picked up something here... yes. That is 100% what I was poking fun at through Yang in Gladiator during the Fire Lord's Shadow arc. Yes. I mock myself. More accurately, I make Azula and Sokka mock my most questionable writing choices :'D)

Now, then, I had a very weird mess in my hands and I admit, it wasn't a great place to be at xD you see me now with my very, very small likelihood of falling into writer's block? Well, back then, I spent more time blocked than writing, for sure :'D and one of the reasons why that happened is because, while I had some ideas for what I wanted to write in the future? I didn't really have a set direction beyond "I want these and these characters as endgame relationships!", which is pretty much the most basic level of "plotting" you can pretend to do, as a writer xD And ironically, even then I was far more malleable and willing to experiment with whatever character combinations came up later, which even resulted in me discovering, well into writing a story, that some characters I absolutely did NOT conceive in a relationship were actually pretty good together! :'D

But that I had very little direction when I started writing that story was still a problem. I actually found more direction and built some more structure as I reached the last part of the story, and I will say, it's the strongest bit of it, by far xD (as evidence of what I'm saying, it was the first time I ever wrote an OUTLINE DOC! XD) but I have no doubts that, if I'd had the foresight to actually know where I was going, the story as a whole would be much much better, no matter how much I love it for what it is.

So! This particular writing experience of mine taught me countless things, among them, to actually ponder direction and purpose in stories instead of diving in blindlly. It's not really about having foreshadowing hints every ten minutes, which is what some people take as a sign of quality (I'll dare be quite controversial and say that not because you know what you'll write ten years down the line does it mean your story automatically makes sense... xD), it's about actually having a purpose in what you're building, a real direction, character arcs and plotlines that, to put it simply, work.

Therefore... I know for a fact that I can't be a full-blown plantser (or gardener) because I've tried it, and while I absolutely see the merits, the drawbacks are pretty sizable for me, and it just really doesn't work with my approach to storytelling.

Thus... If I MUST choose a category out of them both, I'd say I'm an architect, but the truth is I'm not an architect in the most strict sense of the word, either :'D

If you want a super strong building, you obviously need the best foundations for it. But you don't stop there, of course: erecting a building takes a lot of different efforts and processes if you really want your building to not only stand tall but to be a proper, decent place to live in. And while in real life, the reasonable thing would be to have a plan for each of those little details you have to build in, from filling the walls, to the type of flooring, down to even the decor... in writing, THIS is where I take the gardener approach! :'D

I don't know if I've said it in the past, but while sometimes I don't know how to start a story (which, despite my carelessness with the matter in the past, I've come to realize is a VERY delicate choice to make, one that can actually destroy my immersion in a story if it's a choice made carelessly), usually, I try to make myself think about where it's going, first of all. Currently, I have a few potential original projects rolling around in my head... and I don't know where they start :'D but I DO know where I'll take them, what the actual, ultimate climax of those stories would be. This, then, is the most basic foundation for a story, for me. I choose a destination, kinda, and then build the journey there :D

This is, loosely speaking, how I've built up Gladiator. And yet Gladiator, being the ridiculously big mess that it is, required a very unique plotting approach that I suppose might be at odds with a lot of what I've said so far xD yet it also remains true to a lot of what I've said here :'D

When I first started to ponder this story, the first plot point was obvious and instinctive: Sokka's capture. When Chaosconetic (the one who first gave me the idea for this story) suggested it, he didn't quite put forward the idea of having Azula being the one who captured Sokka personally. I thought of making Azula and Sokka first come face to face in this way because... honestly? Because I just wanted them to interact as soon as possible x'DDDD it complicated matters, of course, but that was absolutely something I could work with.

Yet... where was I going with this story? It was a rewrite of ATLA as a whole, so what exactly was the direction for the story? Clearly, Azula and Sokka would wind up falling in love, and how exactly would that come about? And beyond that, wouldn't it be a seeerious mess for this to happen in a setting where Ozai is STILL in power? Why, of course it would be! :'D It added a new layer of complications to the generally already complicated Sokkla relationship, and instead of it being kept secret or being a forbidden romance for the reasons canon-based stories typically make it so, it's BEYOND forbidden here because Ozai is still a very much active factor in this story, and he makes everything worse :D soooooo...

With these particular factors in mind, I had several things to think about. With Sokka fighting as a gladiator being the core of the story, I had to figure out who would be his rivals, and in doing so, figure out what his power curve as a warrior would look like :'D in doing so, I settled very quickly on Toph for his main serious rival, but Sokka wasn't the only one whose story I'd be telling: obviously, Azula's arc would be important too, as I'd have to work with developing her FAR MORE than I ever had before, and while Sokka's personal opponents would be important, Azula is the one who chooses Sokka as her personal warrior, therefore, she had to have a purpose in doing so. Said purpose then materialized when I decided to make use of Zhao's character for Azula's main goal and foil, and so, I needed Zhao to have THE best gladiator of all... and I didn't need to think about it too much before I settled on Combustion Man for the role :'D

Thus, those were small, isolated yet pivotal elements that I had to articulate into a structure that made sense :D they were small things I settled on pretty quickly, from the very first few days of plotting. I can say for certain that, by the third day, I already had settled on the climax (... can't decide whether that's a fortunate or unfortunate wording choice, tbh xD) scene of Part 1, when Azula and Sokka have their fateful fight in chapter 96, then finally succumb to their attraction and act on their feelings without holding back, in chapter 97 :'D I knew I wanted this to happen after Sokka hit a low point upon failing to defeat Toph, either for the second time or after losing against her far too many times that he just was too discouraged to keep going, hence, I knew what the lead-up to this would be from literally day THREE.

But beyond this? At like... day one or two of plotting, once I settled on Combustion Man as the ultimate man to defeat? I also settled on how Part 2 would end :> back then, I honestly had no idea how much time there would be between the events from chapter 97 and the upcoming culmination of Part 2, I wasn't anywhere near advanced enough with plotting to even KNOW I'd split the story into parts because it would get too big to handle xD But what I did know was that I needed these two situations to happen, situations deeply entwined with Sokka's role as a gladiator. Everything in between was variable, and it was stuff I could figure out slowly, along the way.

The ultimate direction of the story, though? That did take me a long time to settle on xD In fact, I think it took me well over a year after I got started to really figure out where I was going with all of this. A close friend helped me figure out things by offering many ideas for Zuko and Suki's storyline, basically tossing them at me in hopes that I'd make sense out of some of them... and I don't really know if she even knows how much that helped me xD I really spent a long time unsure of what I wanted to do, what I COULD do... until at long last, I settled on one slightly ambitious direction that eventually turned into what you'll all know as Part 3 :'DDDDD

So... yeah, that's why I say I'm being contradictory as heck xD Yes, I worked out some core details of the story since the very beginning, but it wasn't ALL the core details, let alone the ultimate direction of the story, BUT... in building up Azula's character arc, that direction slowly became clearer to the point where, when this particular possibility stared me in the face, I knew it was where we had to go, I realized that what I'd written over that year was leading up perfectly to that outcome.

Ergo, Gladiator is 100% a work of gardening and architecture, woven together to a point where I have a hard time remembering what, exactly, was the result of each thing. There's some things that I settled on early on, like I said, structure things... and then there are some parts where the characters just went wild and did things I did NOT expect them to do xD There's one scene coming up, right before the climax of Part 2, where Azula actually does something that I honestly WASN'T sure of doing... and yet I couldn't resist the urge to go forward with it, once the idea came to mind, and so I did it. And now I regret nothing xD was it necessary? Possibly not. Will some people find it weird and out of place? Maybe. But was it CATHARTIC AS HECK!? Aaaabsolutely friggin' yes XD pardon me for being so self-indulgent, but that's part of what being a gardener is about (?)

So, I really think the best stories benefit from a careful approach to mixing the principles of both ideas. I know that some gardeners think that a structure can stifle creativity (not necessarily true, if you sense a lack of creativity in anything you're doing, it IS up to you to turn it around, switch it up and make it interesting, right...?), I also suspect architects might think gardeners would be utterly unable to tell a good story altogether in virtue of letting the story run away with them (also not necessarily true, as the quality of a story isn't quantifiable as easily as that, gardeners might just make masterpieces without as much need of direction as I personally require: Philip Pullman apparently had no set direction in the His Dark Materials trilogy and I could swear that's some of the best storytelling I have EVER seen).

Ultimately, each person gets to choose their ideal approach and what exactly they're trying to do with their work, as well as how they want to do it... but if you ask me, if your characters never seem to pull you in unexpected directions, you might just need to rework them or approach them differently to give them more life. If they DO pull you in those unexpected directions, but you're not sure if you can follow them just because you need to follow structure, it's really up to you as the author to choose whether to sacrifice the life/creativity within your own work and stick to structure, or sacrifice structure and potentially cause your story's course to crumble :'D

It may sound like I'm advocating for gardening so much more, despite I've labeled myself an architect, buuuuut... ironically, a very complicated but VERY rewarding scene in Gladiator Part 3 damn near WRECKED my structure when I was writing it a few weeks ago :'D I literally had to take a day off from actually writing so I could make a list of ALL the elements that would be impacted by this change if I went forward with it. If I chose against it, I would have to rewrite the complicated scene in a different way, and it might have been waaay too weird to make it work. If I chose to keep it, I had to tread VERY carefully or end up potentially making a mess of the ultimate direction of Gladiator's story, even threatening the themes and nuance that I have been counting on since I settled on this direction. Thus, sometimes gardening can be dangerous. Very, very dangerous.

I THINK I found a fair enough compromise that allows me to keep the best of both worlds... but I hope I've made it clear that both ways of working have their pros and cons, and why even mixing both things can have pros and cons xD but this is also why I, personally, think that a writer benefits the most from figuring out at least a loose outline, the broad strokes of what they want to achieve in a story, and then figuring out the many ways in which they could fill in those foundations, in whatever way they're most comfortable.

And so, I have rambled plenty xD I hope that was thorough enough, my position in this particular subject is honestly to oscillate in the middle of both things, where part of your job as the writer is to determine which situation benefits more from either approach :D Like I said before, I've found structure isn't something I can sacrifice easily, but more often than not, letting the story flow, letting the characters make their own choices, can enrich your story rather than hinder it. So... I lay the foundations, the structure, so that seeds can grow inside it, if that makes sense xD

[meowlayn-art]

You're really great at piano! May I ask you some question? I played piano for three years and then leave the lesson and continue by myself, but I'm not that good at it. Also, I'm not that big practicer(?) so what I want, miracles? Btw, how you get inspired? Have you ever had an "music block"? What kind of method of practice do you use? Thank you for your time! 🍀

♪ Hello dear pianist Anon !  ♫

Thank you for reaching out ! Although I am afraid I never posted a video of myself playing piano so you are giving me credit for something I can’t prove ( ´ ▽ ` ) (I was fairly good back in the days but not that much anymore haha).

I think you are referring to this post though, where I explained I got a new piano after stopping playing for a few years, and I was planning on learning MLQC”s theme. The video you saw, as I mentioned in the post, is a video by FlowerEmblem, who performed the MLQC theme (not me) beautifully and gave a link to the piano sheets in her description. If you enjoyed the performance please consider giving her a thumbs up and a nice comment on her Youtube channel  (o´▽`o)ﾉ

NOW. I could give you a few advices, because I played piano for 12 years, and I still remember a thing or two haha.

♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ 

1) “ I am not good at it” : it can be hard to keep practicing when you don’t have a teacher to help and motivate you to do so. I know. I had a piano teacher and that’s what kept me motivated for years, but I learned ukulele all by myself, so I understand how someone can feel discouraged of not improving “fast enough”. But funny enough, you answered your own question, Anon : if you don’t practice… Then you won’t improve. No miracles indeed ! ┐(￣ヮ￣)┌ It goes for any craft, any skills.

My advice would be to pick one or two SIMPLE pieces you REALLY enjoy, and start with that. Don’t bite on more than you can chew ! Really, choose something simple and enjoyable and keep practicing until you feel comfortable to move on to a piece that is a little bit more complex. I truly started to enjoy playing piano when I looked for piano version of Naruto’s soundtracks ( Sadness and Sorrow will always be my all time favorite) and kept adding the difficulty with more and more complex pieces, little by little. Also, that’s my personal method, but I never moved on to another piece unless I truly ‘mastered’ the one I was learning – and by that I mean being able to play with nuances and by heart. 

2) Inspiration : movies I really enjoyed, songs that made me cry, video games with gorgeous soundtracks (FINAL FANTASYYY) and anime were my main source of inspiration.

Again, to keep yourself motivated, I would highly recommend melodies you are deeply attracted to, almost in a visceral way. Not only will you be able to recall the melody more easily and spot the mistakes you make along the way as you read the partition sheet, but it will also make the experience more enjoyable. After all, if you don’t have a teacher forcing you to play a specific piece then, you are free to choose whatever you like ! Remember : start with something simple, nice and enjoyable, with a repetitive melody (or at least something you know by heart) if possible.

3) Music block : yes, it happened. And it can also happen nowadays when drawing – that’s called art block and it SUCKS (ง ื▿ ื)ว My advice whenever you feel blocked (either because you are not inspired or because you are not satisfied with what you are currently doing) :

Try something new. Do small exercises. Try and learn some basic music theory. Have fun with silly sound effects if you have a digital piano/keyboard. Try a new genre – but always KEEP. IT. SIMPLE.

Feed your creativity : do ANYTHING ELSE than playing piano and let your brain do the rest. You’ll notice a nice soundtrack in this show here, a beautiful melody in this videogame there, a new song you really enjoy… As I said, my inspirations came from my day-to-day activities.

JUST TAKE A BREAK. Don’t force yourself. Inspiration won’t come if you are frustrated or exhausted. Just accept that it can take a few days/weeks/months to feel inspired again. If playing piano is not your job, then there is no need to rush things. Find something else to keep yourself busy and it will come back 😊

4) Practice : so I might not be the best person to answer this one because I am not a professional, and that’s the method that worked for ME.

I usually make sure I am sitting correctly, that my nails are cut short, my hands are correctly positioned above the keyboard, I don’t have jewels or hair bothering me…

And then I decipher the partition bits by bits, right hand first, then left hand. Once I am comfortable with BOTH, I put them together – I am not that great at reading and playing at the same time at first. I usually do small sessions (not more than 45min because after that reading the sheets feels exhausting). And I don’t decipher the whole partition in one go – I prefer to “master” small bits at a time especially for long pieces, so that I can feel a sense of accomplishment between sessions – also my brain keeps working between the sessions and will memorize the gestures easier if it rests. I have always been taught that its better to work a little bit everyday than to try and learn everything in one afternoon 😊

My very talented writer friend @truth-be-told-im-lying blog (18+ blog) is a professional pianist and I am sure she could have a few more advices to add to this but I leave it to her :D Also please check out this beautiful collab she did with the amazing @saeyoungs-sunflower, it gave me chills  ♡＼(￣▽￣)／♡

Thanks for you message Anon, I hope it was useful in some way !

[rina-writes]

Calm Waters Part 4

Part 3: x

A/N: I am v aware that there are probably like three people reading this haha However, I find it a joy to write because it’s a different style for me. (saying this for this specific part makes me feel a bit like a sociopath, but hopefully you understand that I enjoyed the experience of writing not the content itself)  So, the few of you going along for the ride as well, I hope you enjoy!

Summary: Grayson continues to spoil you after your date, but that night turns out to be an experiment day.  What you don’t know is that among the usual attendees, Ethan and Ryan are there as well hoping to expose your story.

Warnings:  Mentions of captivity, torture by electrocution, dehumanization (nothing graphic because I’m not the best writer, but still there)

When you were much younger, your mother told you about the story of water. It was your first time at the beach that you could vividly recall. Everything about that day was glorious to your six year old self: the squawking of the sea gulls, the deep, stench of the sea water, the salty taste of your dried lips from the sea spray and, of course, the cool ripple of water beneath your toes.

With her fingers raking through your hair, your mother hummed, her eyes locked on both of your feet. Her skin patched in a deep purple with flecks of silver, almost like amethyst. You found it to be much more attractive than your blue green speckles.

“Every body of water that has encountered life can tell a story.” Your mother told you. “A leaf falling in a pool to a dog jumping in a lake can all be traced in the ripples of water. Only we can listen and understand it.”

“Can you hear everything in the ocean?” You asked, staring out at the vast, deep blue waters. “Wouldn’t it be noisy?”

Your mother laughed. “It is very noisy. Not for your ears but for your skin. It’s like like tickles running up your arms and legs.” She tickled your arms making you giggle. “But those tickles tell the story of who was here, who is here and who has yet to come. Sometimes you have to block out the sounds and focus on something important.”

“Like sharks?” You asked, trembling.

As much as your mother explained that a bad shark was like a bad pit bull, a matter of circumstance and previous ownership (and also just bad PR), you were still afraid.

“Sure!” Your mother laughed. “Or a lovesick fisherman.”

Your mother gestured to your father who was behind you both setting up your spot for the day. He gave you a dorky smile and a wave before continuing to struggle with the beach umbrella.

“How do you learn to hear the water? Is it like signing?” You asked, signing as you spoke for emphasis.

“It’s a little different. It requires training, focus, and deep understanding of our culture.” Your mother smiled turning you around squatting to your eye level. “When you come of age, I’ll show you everything...”

For your “people” coming of age was 13, but that’s when your life literally went up in flames. It meant you never learned how to listen to water. Like your mother warned, it was always overwhelming, as if you were sitting in a room with a thousand people talking at once. At the same time, it was also strangely energizing. 

You realized this with Grayson the previous night. With your toes dipped in the water, your body trembled with the force of emotion coursing through your body.  It was like going to a live performance of an orchestra and hearing a classical symphony come to life before you. You could feel joy, regret, pain, there was a lot of pain, but also hope.  You wondered if the ocean was also capturing the affection that was swelling in your heart as Grayson kissed you as well.  You realized you loved the rowdiness of the sea’s voice because it showed you how much life was contained in the water outside of your cell.

Despite only getting a couple of hours of sleep, you felt the most wake and excited to start the day than you could ever remember.  As you slipped on your uniform, you smiled softly thinking about the clothes that Cameron lent you that were now in Grayson’s trunk.  You decided that hiding your toothbrush was hard enough without an entire outfit. Grayson had put it in a large reusable bag and packed it with care. He promised to fill it with all the clothes you would need for future dates. 

At first, your heart flipped with excitement before sinking to the pit of your stomach with dread.  While this was a dream come true, the stroke of midnight reminded you that it was a fantasy that was going to come to an end. You definitely couldn’t do this every day, and you hoped it wouldn’t disappoint Grayson when you rejected his next few date suggestions.  To not ruin your perfect night, you gave him a tight lipped smile and nodded. It seemed to be enough for him. Your last memory of Grayson of your first date was his lips pressed to yours and the soft whisper of “Good night.” in your ear.

Even thinking about it now, you wanted to jump for joy. You looked in the broken glass that you used as a mirror and tilted your head from side to side.  The scrunchie on your wrist was still soaking wet.  You thought about putting your hair up, but decided against it and put your hat on.  The fantasy was over, you were back to being the weird girl Aurora at Pete’s Ocean Land.

You walked past the dolphins tank,almost skipping with excitement  You swirled your hand in the water, something you only did when you really wanted their attention.  Doris head came up to receive a pet and you obliged.  You smiled at her squeaks of joy, reluctantly pulling your hand away to sign.  

As you moved your arms around in circles, you realized how limiting it was to speak in your sign language.  There were many words you didn’t know how to say, namely, “date”, “clothes” and “kiss”. However, Doris got the gist as she kept tapping her tail fin up and down.  It didn’t take much of a genius to figure out what Doris’ was signalling. You rolled your eyes, dolphins were such sexual creatures.  

You rubbed your stomach before tapping your chin and tracing a circle with your middle and index finger in the air.

I’ll bring you good food to eat next time.

Doris flipped on her back and turned in a circle. She flipped back over and spun counter clockwise.  You sputtered out a laugh beside yourself.

Bring me your pup next time.

You rolled your eyes at the sexual prowess of your dolphin friend, but also couldn’t hide your amusement. What a feeling it was to fall in love!

Your performance that day felt the best yet.  You knew it was because you felt confident and that made the dolphins in the show feel confident too. Even without the fancy clothes and makeup that Cameron had given you, you felt human again.  It was only made better when you saw a familiar lifeguard waiting for you after the arena area closed.  

Grayson waved at you, his white shirt looped around his neck so his metal whistle was hitting his bare chest.  He was wearing his bright red shorts that hung a bit lower on his waist than they should for a uniform. He had on dark sunglasses and the biggest grin as he folded his arms and leaned against the wall of the entrance. 

You found yourself running over to him like a little kid, but Grayson welcomed it.  Grayson leaned down to give you a kiss and your eyes darted from side to side.

“We’re at work...” You whispered.

“I don’t care...” Grayson whispered back with a smirk.  In one quick motion, he unfolded his arms and let his right hand grab the back of your neck at its base.  He massaged his lips into yours and you let out a sigh.  He took the opportunity to welcome his tongue into your mouth, deepening the kiss.

Without much thought, your hands were entangled in his hair and your body was pressed against his.  You both panted to get air without breaking the kiss, the sounds only arousing you more. Grayson broke the kiss almost reluctantly, pressing his forehead to yours.

“I have another date idea.” He said, his lips red and swollen. “I even got you something to wear.”

You blushed. “I don’t think I can go out so soon again.” You bit down on your lower lip nervously.

Grayson’s eyes locked on your lip and he used his thumb to release it from your teeth. He leaned in to kiss you again. As you tiptoed to push against him, he grabbed your chin and pulled you away. His eyes were intense as he looked at you, still keeping you close, but clearly trying to stop himself from getting distracted.

“Alright...” Grayson said, dejectedly. “At least let me give you the surprise.”

You frowned a bit.  Grayson took your hand and started to lead you out of the arena.  Once you were going into the open park, you let go of Grayson’s hand. He looked back at you a little hurt, but seeing the terrified look on your face discouraged him from protesting.  Grayson didn’t want to make anymore trouble for you that he already caused.

You arrived at your first destination: the staff locker room.  You never went inside as you didn’t have anything stored in there.  You waited outside and  it felt strangely invigorating.  After all, every employee stored their stuff there and you often saw people waiting outside for their friends or significant others.  For once, you were one of the cool kids waiting for someone.

Grayson emerged with a medium sized gift bag.  You blushed, realizing how conspicuous this was, but took it anyway.  Grayson led the way to your second destination: the “secret” eating spot above the cafeteria where you could open it without prying eyes.

The moment you sat down at one of the umbrella covered tables, you opened the bag. Your jaw dropped as you pulled out a black and white one piece swim suit.  It had a low scoop back with a print that was white on one side and black on the other.

“There’s more.” Grayson said, even more excited than you were.

There was a strapless, hot pink one piece that was cut quite high in the crotch.  You wondered if it would be uncomfortable.  You had seen a few girls wearing around the park, there were water rides on the other side, and so you knew it was quite trendy.  You just weren’t sure if you could pull it off.

Finally, the last item was a red bikini.  You remembered hearing string bikini in movies and tv shows, but this really lived up to the name. Still, it was quite a modest fit with round bra cups and a wider cut bikini bottom.

You stared at Grayson misty eyed. “Grayson, this is too much.”

“No, it isn’t!’ Grayson insisted.  “I hate thinking of you floating naked in that stupid tank.  While I can’t bust you out, I’m not going to let him treat you like an animal.”

‘But aren’t I?’ The bitter thought crept into your mind, but you did your best to silence. 

“Still...” You placed the last swimsuit back in the bag.  “If I were to wear this, he would know I had a contact with the outside. The ramifications of this...”

“Humor me...” Grayson practically begged.

He was leaning forward and stripes of sun brought out the gold specks in his eyes. It was unfair that he was so handsome in addition to be so kind. It made it difficult to say no to him.  You also knew deep down that when you couldn’t say no, it was because you didn’t want to say no to him. It was easy to blame him, but the fact of the matter was that you wanted to wear the clothes that he bought you.

“Alright...” You sighed. “I don’t have anywhere to hide all of these though...so I can only take one.  The rest will have to go in my clothing bag.”

Grayson grinned.  Most couples, if he was so bold as to call you two a couple, had a drawer at the other person’s place.  You had a bag in his trunk filled with outfits for your dates.  Yet, it gave him the same euphoria as having a drawer for you because in his mind it represented the same thing: that you were a part of his life.  

“Which one do you like the most?” Grayson asked, expectantly.

You dug into the bag and pulled out the black and white one. Grayson pouted teasingly.

“Of course you would choose the most conservative one.” Grayson complained, folding his arms. He leaned back in his chair, tossing his head toward the base of his neck.  “There goes my fantasies of you in a bikini.”

You blushed. “Grayson, you already saw topless.” 

Grayson’s eyes widened as he sat up suddenly, straight as an arrow. “I didn’t see anything, I swear!” He put his hands up in defense, shaking his head side to side. “Well, I saw your skin, but I didn’t look past your feet...or your arms...or your legs.”

You laughed. “You’re not really helping your case, you know?”

You watched as Grayson’s face turned red from his ears to his forehead, down the bridge of nose and fully on the apples of his cheeks. 

He reached out and grabbed your wrist, still avoiding your eyes until he pulled you out of your seat. His eyes looked almost completely gold in the direct silent and he stared at you with this sad, innocent look.  He continued to pull you toward him until the skin exposed by your shorts was touching his. You sat on his lap, something telling you that’s what he wanted.  He responded by cupping your chin and pulling you into the kiss.  Time was fleeting in that moment, the only thing breaking you apart was the sound of Grayson’s alarm going off to alert him he was already missing his shift.

~

When you got ready for “bed” that night, you were ecstatic. It reminded you of when you were younger and your mother would buy you new pajamas.  You would rush through your shower, halfheartedly go through your nightly routine, but take your time putting on your new sleep clothes.  

Today, you relished in the whole experience.  With a bit of daylight you were able to prep your hair and brush your teeth while staring in the shattered glass you used for a mirror.  In the corner of your “closet” you had tucked away your swimsuit to see if it would blend in.  There were a few cloths and towels used to keep the deck dry when the dolphins occasionally wet the top of the roof from splashing around.  If you placed your new clothing under it strategically, no one would notice. You hoped.

You put on the swimsuit slowly, relishing the smooth fabric.  You remembered hating swimsuit shopping as a teen.  It felt like a spotlight to all your friends: who was developing too fast and who wasn’t developing fast enough.  You only went once. Once your mother found out, you were banned from swimming trips for obvious reasons.  However, that one shopping experience made you grateful that for once your “condition” was working in your favor.

In contrast, this felt like a second skin.  You didn’t know much about swimsuits, but you could tell this was a decent quality.  You slipped your arm through the straps and adjusted the suit to your body.  Your turned to look at the scoop neck in the back.  It looked so good! It hugged you in the right places and made you feel like a model.  You smiled to yourself wondering if Cameron helped him to pick it out.

The sound of your cell closing snapped you to attention.  You jumped inside the tank as fast as you could, sinking to the bottom.  You hugged yourself on the way down, hoping to cover the white part of your swimsuit.  Your eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness and you opened them to watch the top of your cell close completely.  The sun was still up higher than usual, but which made you a little worried.  When you didn’t hear any footsteps on the roof, your heart started to pound.

While the experiments thrived on the element of surprise, there were signs you picked up over the years.  There was going to be an experiment tonight and Pete was going to know that someone else knew your secret.

~

Ethan scratched the back of his head as he looked in the mirror.  He looked at Ryan with a quirked eyebrow before looking back at himself.

“Ryan, there is no way anyone is going to fall for this.” Ethan said, gesturing at the blonde wig on his head.  

Ethan spent the last ten minutes adjusting the wig, but it was hard to deny the unnatural part between his wispy bangs and the bowl cut that made his head look circular.  He was wearing a tan suit that clearly didn’t fit him because they got it at a thrift store. He was also still wearing his sneakers that were beat up from skating and biking everywhere.  The only thing that made him look a little better were his glasses and backpack.  Even with that, Ethan was sure he looked more like a gigolo than a lab assistant.

Ryan, who had his disguise tailor made from previous expose series, actually looked like a scientist.  He had a sleek dark haired wig that made him look like Dracula’s sunkissed cousin, in a good way. He was wearing a properly fitted gray suit with a white button down, opened at the top two buttons.

“You will be surprised.” Ryan grinned.  “Scientists don’t dress much better than this.”

“I feel like that was just rude to scientists everywhere.” Ethan shook his head.

“Perhaps.” Ryan agreed. “But they will thank us when we reveal this to the world.  A true scientist would never let whatever Pete is doing continue, even in the name of science.  This was a great catch, E.”

Ethan nodded, but he couldn’t speak.  The costume he was wearing distracted Ethan from what was really bothering him, the truth.  With a bit of digging, it wasn’t super hard to find an underground community of “intellectuals” that liked to find and view exotic animals in captivity.  Among the listings of tigers, bears, and rare snakes, there was a posting with an address nearby to Pete’s Ocean Land.   It advertised an exclusive viewing of a rare species you had to see to believe.  Up front, it cost $10,000 to view, a deterrent for most people on the site.  It shocked Ethan that Ryan easily coughed up $20,000 for their attendance.

“If this is what we think it is, we will get our return, ten fold.” Ryan explained with a shrug.

Still, that was as much as Ethan and Grayson had left to raise to get to Los Angeles. With Grayson splurging on swimsuits for you, even Ethan was starting to have dark thoughts on how to make money using your unique gifts.  He shook the thoughts out of his head.  Not only would exploiting you hurt you, but it would hurt both of his siblings who had taken a liking to you. There was, of course, the fact that Ethan himself enjoyed the fact that you made Grayson happy and he was certain he would be good friends with you too if he hadn’t been spending all his time trying to save you.

When Pete took the money and sent them the meeting location, Ethan wasn’t surprised. He was sure that Pete would have asked for more if he could reveal what the “exotic creature” was, but using the term “mermaid” would ruin all chances of keeping this under wraps.  

With their luck, Pete happened to have a showing planned that night.  It made Ethan grateful that you and Grayson had your date the night before.  Ethan worried what would have happened if Pete revealed his “monster” and you were nowhere to be found.  In his humiliation, Pete could do unthinkable things to you upon your return.

“You ready?” Ryan asked, adjusting his suit jacket more out of habit than necessity.

“Let’s go, boss.” Ethan said, trying to rehearse his character.

“It’s doctor, assistant.” Ryan corrected with a smirk.  “Now remember, the eye glasses are going to capture everything you see and maybe even better than you see it.  The pen in your lapel will capture audio as well.  I will also have the same equipment, so don’t worry if something malfunctions.  The tech is pretty advanced, so don’t feel like you have to move closer to capture anything better.  Act natural.”

“Got it, doctor.” Ethan said, teasingly.

Ryan nodded and they locked up the shop.  They got into a rental car they got for the occasion and drove to the meet up location, a cafe near to Pete’s Ocean Land.  Ethan could hear his heart thundering in his ears.  He debated telling Grayson what was going on, but he didn’t want to worry his twin without a guarantee of relief.  Keeping this secret from Grayson and keeping the truth from Ryan at the same time made Ethan’s head want to explode.  He steadied himself by holding his knees as they drove in the car.  In a few minutes, it would all be revealed.

~

You pressed your hands against the bottom of your cell.  The water felt extremely heavy today, like it was actually trying to crush you. You knew that you were actually feeling your own fear in the water.  It was surging out of you and stinging your nerves.  This was the life story of your water: pain, fear, coldness and...

His warmth

You felt it. It was a little tremor of softness in the water.  Almost every part of your body felt like it was being strangled, but right in the center of your chest was a softness.  It was the moment when you and he realized the other wasn’t a threat.  It was the warmth of happiness.

Just as the water started to lighten up, a bright light stung your eyes.  You didn’t scream, as that would have caused you to fill with water.  After all, you still had lungs, just a breathing capacity greater than the average human.  You laid still on the bottom of the tank, still under the pressure of the water.  You couldn’t see or hear anything.  You assumed it was for the better.  How disgusting would it be to hear how your uncle sold you to others as a monster?

You wondered if the person who brought you toothpaste was there. They figured out how to access the roof and would often leave it at the side of your tank.  They would whisper apologies to you that you never accepted, with words nor with your heart. After all, they were as much to blame as anyone else.

The hate in your heart made the water unbearable and it only caused the light to sting your head even more.  You did your best to keep your eyes shut. A happy place no longer existed during times like these. Instead you counted from 1 to 1000.  Like clockwork, the pain would start around 50.

~

Pete met Ethan and Ryan at the cafe looking nothing like himself.  He too was wearing a disguise, but Ethan found it foolish.   Pete looked ridiculous with a fake bald head cap, a prosthetic potbelly and a few false moles on his cheek and chin. Ethan resisted adjusting his glasses to ensure that the future audience got a better look. 

Pete looked at them before his face split in half with a smile. “You boys chose a great time to reach out.  These showings are usually varied for security reasons.”

“We understand.” Ryan confirmed, his voice sounding raspier than usual.  If you didn’t know it was Ryan, however, the voice sounded natural. “We know how difficult things in our business can be.”

“You said it best doctor!” Pete commended him.  “Now, what sorts of research are you interested in?”

“Oh, I am looking for unknown species.” Ryan said, a tip from Ethan who said that he believed whatever Pete was hiding was something no one had ever imagined.  “Or at least extremely rare.”

Even with the disguise, it was easy to see Pete’s face light up. He licked his lips as he started walking, gesturing for the two men to follow.

“Then you are in the right place Dr. Schwartz.” Pete said, using the undercover name Ryan chose with ease.

Ethan did his best to figure out his surroundings.  While it looked like they were going into a facility concealed by trees and protected by industrial fences, Ethan recognized it easily as the back of Pete’s Ocean Land.  It was far from where neighborhood kids would sneak in, and a lot more secure.  There were no gaps in fences and the actual entrance required a key to get in. When they entered through the large, opaque gray gate, they were immediately met with a back door.  More locks and typing into keypads ensued as Ethan and Ryan trailed Pete behind long hallways.

They finally saw a room with light at the end of the hall and walked into to see a few more people sitting in chairs.  Some were holding cups of water or coffee, while others seemed to be more preoccupied with their phone.  Ethan looked around, smiling softly to look friendly while also making sure to capture everyone’s faces. There were about six people including Ryan and Ethan that were at this viewing and Ethan didn’t recognize any of them.  He wondered how far people came to see this “mysterious, rare creature.”

“Thank you for coming here today, honored guests.” Pete said, jovially.  He was putting on an accent, but Ethan couldn’t place it.  It was like watching a terrible school play where the teacher takes on the lead role and butchers it.  “I will not bore you with semantics, but we have newcomers so I must tell you the rules.”

Pete walked to the center of the room where all eyes were on him.  In the lighting, his disguise looked every more fake, but so did everyone else.  It made sense.  If there were real scientists in here, no one would want to be associated with something like this.

“Number one, no pictures or video.  It ensures the safety of the animal during testing.”

‘Animal?’ Ethan thought, his stomach curdling.  He controlled his rage, trying to relax his eyebrows and jaw from their current tense state.  Under no circumstances would he ruin this operation before they saw their mission through.

“Number two, this is a closed community.  All leads to potential viewers must be put through me.” Pete gestured with open hands around the room. “Please don’t ruin this experience for your fellow enthusiasts by potentially letting in a mole.”

Ethan was glad there wasn’t a lie detector because even he was aware at how much he was sweating.  His throat was getting dry, but he dared not cough at such a terrible time.

“Number three, no speaking of this in writing on any forum outside of messages to me.  You may speak to each other, in person, but avoid phone calls.  Anything can be traced and will ruin the opportunity for future viewings.”

Pete clapped his hands together.  “I know the rules are boring, but are there any questions before we get started?”

“What about private viewings?” Someone from the back asked.

Pete’s smile morphed into something so twisted and evil that Ethan could only describe it as his face splitting in two.  Ethan knew that there was going to be very few things that could scare him more than the sick look on Pete’s face.

“Yes, those are available on request at $20,000 for half an hour.” Pete explained matter-of-factly.  

“Isn’t that quite steep?” Ryan asked, putting up his hand.

Pete gestured to Ryan with his thumb, looking at the rest of the group. “Newcomers, am I right?”

There was light laughter, but it was forced and most likely laced with guilt.  Without any other questions, Pete led the group down more twisting and turning hallways.  It looked so much like Pete’s Ocean Land to Ethan and, he was sure, anyone from his area would agree when the video came out.

Finally, the stopped at a dark tank. The anticipation was building.  For Ethan it was like coming into a movie theater and waiting for the previews to start.  Pete walked to the back and hit a switch. A light from the bottom of the tank, a gasp leaving both Ryan and Ethan’s lips simultaneously.

When Grayson told Ethan how you looked that night, Ethan wasn’t sure what to make of it. Now that he saw it in person, he understood why Grayson’s description was all over the place.  

How could someone describe something so beautiful? 

If Ethan were to attempt it, he would equate it to looking for gems in rocks.  He watched a few videos online of people searching canyons for amethyst.  They would feel the thickness of a rock and inspect closely.  Then with a hammer, the would hit and chip away at the thick gray block until in broke open.  The viewers’ eyes were instantly flooded by gorgeous, sparkling purple that dazzled the mind.  

That was the only way Ethan could describe your skin. 

In uneven patches, there were turquoise colored gem-like patches all over your body. Your hair looked dark blue in the lighting, swirling around as you remained in your tight, curled up position. In the darkness of the deep water, it was easy to imagine how you would blend in from above, however, under this harsh light there was nowhere to hide. 

“Our newcomers, I present to you a real life mermaid.” Pete announced with a chuckle.  “Very little is known about them.  How many there are, how they came to be, how dangerous..., but I can tell you what we know.”

Ethan glanced at Ryan who was stone cold.  Sure, it was obvious that the thing they were staring at did not look like anyone else in this room.  However, it was clear that it had legs and other human limbs.  It was a young girl, and the tightness in Ryan’s face showed that he knew that.

Pete continued as he walked to the side of the tank.  He squinted at the hunched over figure as if noticing something strange, but he didn’t address.  Instead, he stood in front of a control center. There were four levers, multiple buttons in different colors and absolutely no labels.

“What we do know is that, they have legs like us and when dry, they blend in with the rest of us.  However, in water, they are magnificent.  While we haven’t had the joy of cutting one open...”

Ethan quelled a gasp at that remark.

“...we do have reason to believe that they have lungs.  They grow the capacity to survive underwater.  The specimen you see here could only last underwater for eight hours without drowning when she was first rescued.  Now, she can go for as long as 27 hours.”

Tears stung Ethan’s eyes.  Rescued? What a load of bull.  He couldn’t help, but feel sorry for you.  How long were you trapped in there when you couldn’t breathe? Did you scream? Did he watch you suffer?

“They are also incredible swimmers.  We will see that in the next few tests.” Pete paused, as if he was getting ahead of himself.  “In fact, let me just show you now...”

tw: mentions of abuse, panic attacks, electrocution

Ethan could feel himself sweating again as the sound of his heartbeat became deafening. His head felt like it was going to split open at his forehead with a warm heat settling at the center of it.  He shoved his hands in his pockets to keep them from shaking and he glanced around to see everyone else’s reactions.  It was stone cold.  It was like they were waiting for the bus or sitting through the intermission of their kids game. Ryan was the only one as terrified as Ethan, but Ethan knew that only he could tell.

Pete hit a button on his control panel, his eyes locked on the crowd. Behind him, your body twitched violently, almost involuntary.  You released yourself from your crunched position your legs flailing.  Your arms soon followed suit and you were rushing toward the top of the tank.

“If you come closer...” Pete said, gesturing with his hands for people to come forward, without looking back at you.  “You can see how it naturally glides through the water. Almost like flippers.”

“But those are feet...” Ryan asked, as he moved closer along with the rest of the group.  “Feet of a girl?”

Pete scoffed. “We try not to anthropomorphize the creature.”

Ethan’s eyes bulged out of his head.  Well, someone clearly swallowed a dictionary in an effort to justify his bigotry. What an asshole.

“Besides, a human can not do what I am about to show you.” Pete hit another button and Ethan watched in horror as you slowly started to fall to the bottom of your cell.

~

Hot. Hot. Hot.

That’s what it felt like, but all over your skin.  You assumed it was little bits of electricity, which was already damaging to anything in water.  However, for you those little bursts was like getting pricked with a thousand thorns.  Even at the lowest of voltages it was like getting pins and needles after your foot fell asleep. The pain came from the bottom of your cell, so you always swam upward to get some relief.  

This time, you were determined to free yourself. You were attempting to go through the crack at the top of your cell. Your fingers even felt a bit of the cool air.  Hope quelled in your heart as Grayson’s face flashed in your mind.

Then suddenly another large shock ripped through your cell.  

This one you could see.  It was a white flash that went diagonally across the opening of your cell. You could feel it, splitting your arm that was extended out toward your freedom.  You didn’t want to lose air, so you focused on holding your breath, falling down like leaf to the bottom of your cell, cradling you arm.

You couldn’t see anything with the bright lights flashing into your cell, but you could see your blood, a very dark red color mixing with the water. Through your squinted eyes, you could see your skin covering itself with it’s turquoise patterned scales, trying to rebuild.  It wasn’t something you could control and it only happened when you were in water. You shivered thinking about how you learned these two facts about yourself.  The knives jammed into your thighs and dragged down to your legs, while your screams were silenced with the help of a balled up towel shoved between your lips.  

As the memories of private experiments on the viewing table flooded your mind, you were almost grateful to be inside of your cell.  In comparison this stuff was a cake walk and the show had just begun.

~

“What human do you know that can heal like that?” Pete asked Ryan.  “That’s what I thought.” Pete didn’t leave Ryan any room to even respond before he added in that jab.

“Think about how many lives it could save...” Pete said to the rest of the crowd.  “Soldiers, burn victims, skin cancer survivors...the best technology we could ask for.”

Another button was pushed, another electric shock.  This one was so painful, your eyes opened wide as slashes appeared on your legs and upper arms.  Ethan closed his eyes, but didn’t turn away in an effort to allow the viewers to see the horror.  He would never be able to get your eyes out of his mind.  Under water, your eyeballs were a dark blue with no sign of pupils, with little streaks of gold striping through it.  It was almost like looking at a Greek statue where you couldn’t actually see the details of your eyes.

And yet, he could see so much pain.

tw end

The moment the “show” was over, Ethan was secretly texting Grayson on his phone.  It wasn’t easy. He was alternating from angling his body to different sides, using the shadows of the room to conceal his behavior.  

Ethan knew that if he were caught by Pete, this would ruin everything.  However, there was no time.  The last few tests left you unresponsive.  Ethan was sure that Pete was not done with you.  Pete had to see his guests off to prevent any wandering, but once people were gone, you were going to experience hell.  

With a final few taps, Ethan slipped his phone into his pocket as casually as he could.

“Can I ask you more about the private showing?” Ethan asked, and Pete smiled, greedily. 

“I’ll give you all the options and their prices...” Pete agreed.

~

This was the worst part. When the lights turned off and you realized you were all alone.  Your body was trying to rebuild itself while your mind did its best to keep you under water. It was hard to hold your breath when you were in so much pain, but you needed to heal in order to escape and you couldn’t heal if you were drowning.

The sound of the top of tank being slowly cranked open caused a gasp to rip from you, taking your last bits of oxygen.  As you swam to the top to get air, you realized that this would put you face-to-face with Pete, the first time in years since actually truly seen your uncle.  Everything was coming back to you: the pain, the torture, the abandonment, and it only made you angrier. 

You decided this was it.  You were going to finally fight back.

[catholicartistsnyc]

Meet Vancouver-based Artist Emi Namoro

EMI NAMORO is a Catholic writer and artist based in Vancouver, Canada. She also does graphic design and music. Check out her work on Wordpress and Instagram. 

CATHOLIC ARTIST CONNECTION asks: What do you see as your personal mission as a Catholic working in the arts?

EMI answers: I once heard that the first five words in the Bible was about how God created. When we are creating, we are closest to Him. As a Catholic writer and artist, I've never felt closer to Him than when I am writing, singing, designing or simply creating. There is something so special about sharing in God's infinite beauty and creation. Of course, what I create is only maybe a glimmer of the vastness that He is able to, but it is so heartwarming to offer what He gave me back to Him and His glory.

My personal mission as a Catholic creative is to glorify and magnify Him in all that I do. My prayer and hope is to evangelize and share about God's love in the littlest of ways. If a simple article, design, song, or even an Instagram caption can bring one person closer to Jesus, then I am satisfied. This was never my work but God's alone. I'm simply a vessel and instrument in the masterpiece He has created.

Where in Vancouver do you go to get inspired?

I am very blessed to live only a few minutes away from my home parish where I am able to visit our perpetual adoration regularly. I've never felt more at home when I am visiting Jesus. In times of desolation or artist/writer's block, Jesus consoles me and inspires me to keep going and continually reminds me of my purpose.

In that little adoration chapel, I am able to find both my spiritual and artistic fulfillment. My art is fueled by my spiritual life and Jesus' love for me. I couldn't imagine separating the two from the other. God is the ultimate artist and each day, I'm learning more through His guidance and inspiration.

How have you found or built community as a Catholic artist in Vancouver?

Surprisingly, Instagram! Of course, I am so blessed to find so many beautiful Catholic communities in my archdiocese. But ever since the pandemic hit, it became difficult to engage in those same communities. Fortunately, I was able to find other like-minded Catholic creatives on Instagram. I've even made some life-long friendships and connections on there! It gives me so much joy to find other artists from all around the world who love Jesus and their faith like I do! What are your top 3 pieces of advice for Catholic artists post-graduation?

I never studied in the arts, but here are a few words of advice that I wish someone told me.

1. Allow yourself to make mistakes. It's completely okay if your first draft is trash and you don't want to show the world. In fact, keep making mistakes, because that's a sign that you're trying. Make many mistakes and improve upon them. That is how you know you're growing. You keep trying and you never give up, no matter how difficult it may be.

2. This was advice given to me by someone I looked up to: "be humble when criticisms come and be grateful when celebrations come". There will be times where you'll face criticism and struggle. It will be difficult, but it is part of the process. You're learning, you're not perfect, and that's okay. When praise comes, celebrate it and accept their compliments graciously. You're doing something right!

3. Believe in yourself! You are capable and worthy of creating. You were given a gift from God, don't waste it! In times of discouragement and trials, turn to Jesus and His Blessed Mother, Mary and they will lead you farther than you can ever imagine. You're not alone, my friend! Jesus is with you and He will never let you go!

[otpnessmess]

By this sword

Ao3 - Masterlist

Quick thing I made for @mochegato as a way to get rid of writer's block for my jasonette fic. Everyone here is like 17-18 because I obviously don't know what a canon is and will do whatever I please. Based on this post and not beta-d at all. If there are any mistakes I apologize, I wrote and posted this from my phone and the tumblr app is a bitch about formatting. Enjoy!

-

If Marinette heard Damian and Adrien snicker behind her back once again she would make sure to put salt instead of sugar on their cookies the next day.

The Wayne family had been visiting Paris for a business deal and the two youngest sons had been adamant on having spare time to see the superhero duo of the city.

The year before, the miraculous users had requested help from the Justice League to bring down Hawkmoth, and the Gotham vigilantes were the ones sent to help. Having to work as a team brought the four teenagers together, and they had become very good friends by the time the job was done. Now they kept in contact over calls and video chats and were very good friends… Mostly.

Marinette didn't know why, but Tim didn't seem to like her very much. They had been close while working as heroes but once they started hanging out outside of the masks, his entire demeanor changed.

Due to her usual tardiness, Damian and Adrien had got used to Tim being really talkative with them while they waited. He was always perfectly normal until Marinette finally arrived. He then clammed up for seemingly no reason and, even though he still joined the conversation and laughed along with them, there was tension lodged on his shoulders.

This played out for several outings until Adrien had enough. Even if Mari pretended not to notice it, he knew Tim's behavior was hurting and confusing her, and no matter what she did to try and make amends with him, it seemed like it was never enough. She didn't know what she had done to warrant such a dismissive attitude from the guy who was fighting alongside them just some weeks prior.

His protective instincts kicked in even more when she confessed to him that she had started liking Tim, but was being discouraged by his attitude towards her.

The blonde boy managed to convince Damian to talk to his brother, as he was much more likely to coax something out of him. And it proved to be the right choice.

The youngest Wayne called Adrien in the middle of a laughing fit and it took five minutes to get the information out of him. Tim admitted to being like that because he liked Marinette too, he was just unbelievably shy and accidentally got the wrong message across. Damian couldn't believe his brother could be the greatest detective in the world and the dumbest person in the planet at the same time.

After taking the time to make fun of the black-haired pair, they finally agreed that they had to do something to get those two together because, evidently, they would never be able to do it on their own.

The dynamic duo did try their hardest to help them notice each other's feelings, but they failed so many times they almost called off the mission. The only motivation they had to keep going was the fact that the older Wayne didn't entirely shut off around Mari anymore. They had seen him engage in great conversations with her when she had managed to coax him out of his shell for a bit.

Those moments were short-lived, as Tim took a couple minutes to remember who he was talking to, but worth it in the matchmakers' opinion, so they didn't give up. Which brought them to their latest scheme.

Marinette frowning at them with a rapier in hand was a fairly scary sight, but their plan was foolproof. And even if they didn't manage to get the lovebirds together, at least they would get to laugh for a while.

The idea was simple. Step one: invite the brothers to join their fencing class while they're in Paris and make Marinette lose a bet. Step two: get her to face Tim in a duel and say some carefully chosen words to him as a punishment. Step three: profit.

Damian and Adrien wanted to pat themselves in the back for thinking of this, it was a win-win situation. For them, obviously.

Mari didn't see how this would make Tim want to talk to her more but a bet was a bet, and she was no sore loser. She spotted him standing on one of the mats, watching some of her classmates practicing, and took a deep breath before approaching him.

"Congratulations Tim!"

The boy turned around with a startled expression and accidentally bit his cheek when he saw who it was. "H-huh?"

"We're engaged!"

The bright smile in Marinette's face paired with her words made him pale slightly and almost drop his rapier. "Excuse me- what? I… I-"

"In combat. En garde!" Just like the snickering duo had instructed her she drew her sword from her belt and pointed it at Tim.

She then witnessed the color coming back to his cheeks… And not stopping there. He now resembled a very ripe tomato as he mirrored her stance.

"O-oh, right… That kind of engaged… "

He wasn't expecting her to hear his mumble nor pick up the disappointed undertones in his voice, but it seemed like she had.

Her arm lowered slightly when he said that, and a blush had started to creep up her cheeks as well.

"Uh… Yeah. That kind of engaged. W-why? Did you… Want…?"

What?! Why did she ask that??

In the back you could hear the scheming duo laughing their asses off at their awkward display, which only made them get even more red in the face.

In the meantime, Tim had finally processed her question and immediately panicked. "W-what!? N-no! No way!"

His nervous scoffs weren't very convincing but Mari didn't seem to question them, much likely in an attempt to make the situation fly by as quickly as possible.

Tim seemed to be nervous about what he had said, though, and was looking at her with fear in his eyes. Marinette wished to be able to make it go away so badly, and reassuring him was probably the best way to do it, right?

"Oh good, yeah… Um… Me neither, heh."

She gave a nervous laugh and stole a glance at her friend in front of her, expecting him to appear relieved. Instead, he was barely suppressing a tiny grimace, which made her incredibly confused.

Before she could ponder what she had done wrong, however, Adrien had run out of patience in the back.

"Just kiss already!!"

Oh God, Marinette was going to kill him for sure this time. Why would he even say that? He had just outed her crush in front of the guy she liked!

She gathered every last ounce of strength she had in her before turning to meet eyes with Tim. If she was expecting rejection or disgust in his face, the longing in his eyes caught her off guard.

They crossed gazes for a second, then two, then three.

Searching, questioning.

Then they finally found it.

Understanding transformed their expressions, leaving them to gape at each other.

Oh.

Damien and Adrien were hollering and whistling in the background trying to get their attention, but right now they only had eyes for each other.

-

Two months later, Adrien would take the credit for being the one that got them together by screaming at them. It would earn him a smack on the head from Damien, who was not about to allow him to simply disregard his interventions and discredit him. On the seats in front of them, Tim and Marinette would chuckle and share a kiss, both laughing at their idiotic friends.

-

I promise to stop procrastinating and to start working on the next chapter of my fic soon, but I just thought this was such a great prompt! Hope you liked it <3 - Lis

[imnottiredofgettingoveryou]

Professor!Rami AU

I am slowly but surely emerging from post-Robot catatonia and being sick, so here’s something short and filthy to help me break on through, to the other side of this writer’s block.

I'm like 200% sure this has been done before but I saw this gorgeous moodboard and got inspired, so here's my take on it. Also thanks to @sherlollydramoine for giving me a reason to post this!

Note: I intended for the reader to be in their senior year of undergrad in this. So like 21-22 years old.

Warnings: Smut, pls don't interact if under 18

"My advice to you is this..."

You could still remember your reaction that day - all of your senses suddenly piqued - the first time you had heard his voice.

Well, you and give-or-take thirty other people.

"... if you like movies - I mean really like them - don't study them. It will ruin them for you."

What a great sign, you thought. It's the first day and this guy is already discouraging us from taking his class.

"But if you're prepared to take a peek behind the curtain, and maybe become the annoying movie snob in your friend group, then you've come to the right place."

A voice like melted chocolate, and a bad sense of humor. Interesting combination.

You doubted the class would have much of an effect on you either way. You were filling out your schedule and checking all the boxes you needed to graduate, and Cinema 101 seemed like an easy enough elective to breeze through. Even if it was at 8AM.

To your surprise, you started to look forward to those early mornings spent listening to Professor Malek talk about movies to a mostly-uninterested room. But you happened to be very interested, and you made sure he noticed. Sometimes you would show up a few minutes early to discuss close-ups and cutaways alone with him before people started trickling in. And you were always a massive show-off in class.

"Well, obviously Kubrick is the most famous example when it comes to the one-point perspective," you proclaimed one day in as sultry a fashion as such a sentence could be said. You crossed your legs and pushed your chest out just a little bit more, secretly hoping to draw the good doctor's attention to one or the other. "But we all know Wes Anderson loves his symmetry too."

Professor Malek gave a slight nod of approval and - was he blushing? No, you had to be imagining it. "Yes, he certainly does. Good examples Y/N."

Your roommate had made fun of your outfit choice for the day - "Are you headed to class or a schoolgirl-themed Penthouse shoot?" but with the benefit of hindsight, it had been a good day to play up your strengths. Mr. Malek certainly had; you were so wrapped up in daydreaming about slowly unbuttoning his collared shirt and peeling  off his painted-on-tight dress pants, you almost forgot you had something of actual importance to tell him.

You approached him after class as the room started to empty, once more putting on ‘the voice’ just a little bit. "Excuse me, professor?"

He came to stand in front of you, and suddenly you were as physically close as you'd ever been to him, close enough to see the blue of his eyes, the sharpness of his jaw, his perfectly-styled curls begging to be fucked up...

"Oh please, it's Rami after ten."

Now it was your turn to blush. "Really?"

He smiled broadly at you, and you almost lost some of your composure. Almost. "Yeah, it's a privilege I reserve for my top performers. Don't tell anyone," he joked. "So how can I help you?"

"Well, I have to miss our next class. We're watching a movie that day, right? Is there anywhere I can watch it online or something?"

"What for? You could probably write the paper without even seeing it."

Flattery will get you everywhere, Rami.

"Actually, I just have a hard copy, so I'm not sure. But I was planning on showing the movie tonight for my office hours anyway. Can you be here at six?"

You definitely could. And you silently hoped no one else planned on taking advantage of this alternative screening.

As luck would have it, they didn't.

When you walked into his office, you left the door just slightly ajar, not enough to be able to see inside but certainly enough for some noise to filter out. It was an unspoken dare for him to close it all the way and make his intentions clear.

He didn't. Instead, he decided to make it your problem.

"You've gotta be quiet," he whispered, lips and teeth teasing your ear to see how well you could obey him. "Or else someone's gonna hear." You were sat on his desk with him standing between your legs, and he had just finished sucking hard on your neck, which had made you cry out loud enough to merit his response.

The sequence of events between you walking into his office and you being completely bared open to his hands and mouth was a blur. All at once, it seemed, your eyes had connected just right and then your lips had connected just right and then the tension between you gave way like butter under a hot knife.

And now here you were, mind and heart racing as his warm hands gripped your thighs and his lips trailed from your ear down your neck, then slowly mapped out your collarbones with his tongue and teeth. He could feel how tense you were with restraint, your fingers digging into his back as you struggled to stay quiet. His hold on your thighs tightened, and as he pulled you closer to him, you realized just how little his pants left to the imagination.

"Fuck, Rami." You wondered if your ragged breaths were as loud outside the door as they were from where you were sitting.

"Need something?" His eyes flicked over your face, coming to settle on your own. He maintained eye contact as he dragged his knuckles along the inside of your thigh, making his way toward your core achingly slow.

"You, Rami. I need you."

He groaned in appreciation, a barely-there rumble of his vocal chords that sent waves of arousal coursing through you. Rami cupped your jaw and kissed you, his mouth battling with his other hand for your  attention as it drifted up between your thighs. His tongue found yours as his fingers brushed over your clit, the barrier of your underwear regrettably still present. When you arched up into his touch, plainly begging for more, he finally reached under them and started to tease his way into your wet folds, finding your clit again with his thumb.

"Rami," you moaned into his mouth. "I want you."

"How can I be sure you'll be quiet if I give you all of me?" At this, he slipped one long finger inside you, following it with a second once he met no resistance. "You're barely holding back now."

"Fuck, Rami! Please?"

He flashed you an absolutely wicked smile before his mouth was back on yours, silencing your moans as he fucked you with his fingers and started to apply more pressure to your clit. You were completely knocked off your equilibrium and helpless against him, shocked at how quickly he was able to parse out exactly what you needed, how he was able to start pushing you toward the edge in earnest. When he felt your body start to tense, he pushed in deeper and curled his fingers, letting the heel of his palm grind against your clit. Your climax washed over you within moments of this treatment, and Rami never took his eyes off your face as he worked you through it.

You held onto him tightly as you came down and the world came back into focus around you. You realized you had probably been louder than intended, but you couldn't find it within you to care, or be ashamed.

Worth it.

"God!" You buried your face into his shoulder and giggled, the flood of endorphins having worn down the barrier between your brain and mouth a bit. "Why didn't you just fuck me?"

His shoulder shook a little as he quietly laughed at your bluntness. "Well, I had to give you a reason to come back some time."

[wanderlustspider]

I’ve always loved to draw. There was a point in my life that I would draw 3-5 pictures in a day, each one a little different and holding their own story in my head. I’d given myself series projects - trying to draw the alchemy ingredients of Skyrim in my own realism, turning Pokemon into anime girls, things like that - and they’ve all flopped after I completed the first one. Actually, I don’t think I ever completed the first one in my Skyrim series. I did a re-attempt on the Pokemon as anime girls, and once again got halted after the first one. I did that too myself though, because I felt that I had ruined it in the final stretch with inking it and was afraid that I would do it again somehow.

I see them in my head, go to put them on paper, and my brain just... ceases its communication with my hand, and I can’t get it down on paper. If I just draw something because I want to in the moment, it works out. Except for recently, when I tried to draw a water/coral dragon for merMay. Even now, I have so many things that I want to draw - but I can’t seem to start any of them, because my brain has started faltering on me and telling me that I’ll just ruin it again. I have the passion for it, but the motivation has gotten stuck somewhere. I’m trying really hard to not let my discouragement get the better of me, but I also have another passion conflicting with my life-long one.

I fell in love with writing stories in high school. Short stories, novellas, I even started writing a book of my own back then. Granted it was about angels and demons, and the house I grew up in just didn’t approve of demons in any light. I still remember the day my step-mother made me collect all of my journals both art and writing alike and tear each one in half before throwing it away in a random college campus’ trash bin. It traumatised me very deeply, and I stopped writing completely for a very long time. I stopped drawing for a while too, but not for as long - though the amount of drawings I completed was a much lesser amount than it had ever been. It’s actually never been as numerous as it was, or as consistent.

I wanted to get back into writing, though, and I was able to find the outlet when I got away from home in the form of roleplaying online. Eventually I found a writing partner that I was able to bounce ideas off of, and by accident we started essentially writing a book together. We got pretty damned far, too - one book turned into almost three! Unfortunately there were circumstances that - after four years of writing together - we stopped talking to each other completely. Our story has never left my mind, though. The characters have been there whispering in the back of my brain that they want to be written down, published, and shown off as a work of pride and accomplishment. 

It’s more than I’ve ever felt from drawing. Sure, I wanted to be a tattoo artist at one point as a way to show off my skills and help other people express themselves. But that wasn’t my art talking to me. That was just me wanting to do something creative as a career. It’s died down in recent years, probably due to the fact that it’s really hard to get an apprenticeship and the passion I had wasn’t the right kind to be constantly fighting to be acknowledged for my skill. I just wanted to draw, and if people wanted my art I would give it to them.

But writing a book... It’s gotten louder over time, not quieter. So finally, after nearly five years of not writing at all I went back to my old book notes, saved them to my computer, and wrote a prologue and a chapter in a little over two days! Granted there were a few days between writing the prologue and the chapter, but I did it. I did it fast. It flowed, and the joy and accomplishment I felt at each page end gave me motivation to keep going.

I hit a block today, though. Not a writer’s block, more of a mental one. I started thinking to myself “what’s the point?” and “am I actually going to finish something for once?” I know it’s something that I’ve brought upon myself somehow, and I hate it because I don’t like starting a project and not finishing it. I tend to beat myself up about it pretty hard whenever that happens, which it has happened just about every time I started something big since that one traumatic experience when I was in high school. But I WANT to do this. I want to do this more than I want to draw, and I want to draw pretty fucking bad. 

I know that no amount of art whether drawn, painted, written, what have you, is ever a waste of time or energy. There’s just that little voice that’s just loud enough for me to hear telling me “it’s just going to get ruined again,” or “it’s just going to get taken away again.” Regardless of how illogical that voice is, it still makes me freeze up. And I hate that, too.

This is around the time that I hear Mama and the Wolf telling me “Use it.” I’m just not entirely sure of exactly how I can use a freeze-up as movement forward. *sigh* 

[its-all-ineffable]

Shadowhunters 1x01, ‘Review’(insulting it while raving about how good the books and movie are)

So, you know....where do I start?

Lets start with Clary. First annoyance - she’s supposed to be fifteen, turning sixteen! But Netflix and Freeform were like, “Oh no, we can’t have teenagers making out, we must age everyone up! Sixteen year olds cannot be involved in making out!” I just...ugh! Why would you do that? The top that ‘Dot’ gives her as well, like, I wouldn’t give any 18 year old that top! I know they go out clubbing, but I would not give Clary that top. Plus, it’s not here style! She wears t-shirts, jeans, combat trousers, and sneakers. She does not do see through tops! Or heels, which she ALWAYS seems to wear in the series! Also, her hair is orange, not ginger. ORANGE. Wrong colour guys!

Right, Pandemonium. It’s an all ages club in the book. ALL AGES. That means that 15 year old Clary and 16 year old Simon can get in there, along with 16 year old Jace and Isabelle and 17 year old Alec. In the first chapter, it says “It was a long wait to get into the all-ages club”. C’mon guys! Also, that confrontation with the demon! In the book, it’s very different, with Isabelle seducing a boy with blue hair into a storeroom where Alec, Jace and Izzy interrogate him. Clary follows. The film follows this narrative better, with Isabelle seducing a male-presenting demon to here, and it being killed. Also, Isabelle’s costume in the film is more like the one described in the book, and much nicer. 

The whole bit where Clary comes home to her mother after the Club scene is completely wrong! Her and Simon go to Eric’s poetry reading (this is flipped in the film, they go to the poetry reading then Pandemonium), then she ends up confronting Jace outside Java Jones (which does happen in the film), and getting a phone call from her mother to not come home. She does so, and finds the place destroyed, which is when a demon attacks her. She uses the sensor she steals from Jace to kill it, and he comes to ‘rescue’ her. She never gets a chance to tell Jocelyn about what happened at the club. Also, Pandemonium is not Magnus’ club. Magnus doesn’t even appear until they go to his party to confront him about the block on Clary’s memory! I know they have to change certain things, but I hate the way they screwed this up!

Luke as well - I love Isiah Mustafa’s portrayal of him, and I think he’s a very good actor, but his character is so different it’s almost unrecognisable. He’s a kind bookseller, who encourages Jocelyn to tell Clary the truth, and gets angry with her when she doesn’t. 

‘Dot’ is completely wrong too. Madame Dorethea is the Fray’s elderly neighbour, who lives in the downstairs apartment in the old Brownstone house they live in that’s converted.  She is a physic and abrasive towards all, barely appearing for most of the novel. She does have a portal in her apartment, but we only discover this near the end of the book. She is NOT a warlock, but the adoptive daughter of one.

Isabelle - OH MY GOD, ISABELLE. I love Emeraude and her acting, but Isabelle is NOT NICE. She dislikes Clary a lot in the first book, and Clary dislikes her. They have conflicting personalities, and Isabelle is unhappy with the fact that she is not the centre of attention of all the boys (bar Alec). She is not kind to Clary at all at first, and actively discourages the idea that Jace is her brother. She says “Jace? My brother? No. Whatever gave you that idea?”. This is a drastic change in the series, where Isabelle refers to Jace as her brother a lot. Also, the clothes she leaves Clary when she wakes up from the demon attack are a red shirt and black trousers. Not a tight leather dress! Also - “ ‘You might want to clean up a little. You smell.’ Clary glared at her. ‘Thanks a lot.’” - they don’t like each other.

Also, because Luke is not a cop in the book, it takes longer for Clary to overhear him saying he doesn’t care - it’s when she and Jace return to her apartment to pick up spare clothes, have tea and a tarot card reading with Madame Dorethea and find Simon hiding in Luke’s bushes. That’s where Simon comes back into it. Not finding Clary in an abandoned church. So the order throws me completely. At least in the film they kind of tried to keep major events major, and in some semblance of the order they’re in in the book.

The Institute is all wrong - Hodge, Jace, Alec and Isablle live there, and Max, Maryse and Robert do when they’re not away in Idris, but there are not loads of other people around. And the tech? What? Who decided that the Shadowhunters are basically super spies? Why? Just why?

Maureen, Simon’s bandmate, is, in the books, a friend of a cousin of Simon’s bandmate Eric, who goes to all their gigs and has a big crush on him. And she’s 14!! I understand they wanted to change things, but what the fuck? And she’s not even mentioned in the City Of Bones novel! She comes into it in the 4th book, and only as a side character! I’m not saying that I don’t like Maureen as a character in the series, because I do, but it confused the hell out of me when I first watched the show, and it creeps me out because every time I hear the character’s name, I remember that she’s a 14 year old girl in the book.

And I can’t even talk about Jace. He needs a post of his own. I think Dominic Sherwood is a great actor, and I liked him in other things, like Vampire Academy, but I just....you know what, I’ll make a post for Jace. I can’t cope with that rabbit hole right now.

At least we have Matthew Daddario, perfectly capturing Alec’s salty, bitter attitude. He is annoyed that Jace has already taken so many risks for Clary, thinks she’s an unimportant mundane who’s more trouble than she’s worth. Truthfully, when I first watched this show, Alec was the only reason I decided to keep watching. His character was the most true to the original version of himself, and while I love the movie (and most of the actors in it), the Alec never went over well. Alec is abrasive and unkind at first, but he’s not a complete dick, and he’s not someone who would try and physically strangle Clary like he does in the movie. So, kudos to Matthew Daddario for being the only one allowed to play his character as he was written, and doing it well. 

And Alberto did a great job at portraying Simon as a kind, nerdy friend who’s hopelessly in love with Clary. I’m just a sucker for Robert Sheehan, which is why I prefer movie Simon just a tinsy tiny bit more. But both Simon’s are excellent, and portray the essence of the character super well!

Before people get triggered over all this though - I like this show. I respect the actors. I’m also aware that it’s and adaptation, and that adaptations, no matter how faithful they are, change the source material to fit themselves. I get that. The film did it. The difference is, the film did most of it well. The show...doesn’t. It tries, but it just feels clunky in a lot of places and I hate it. It gets better as it goes into later series - I think the writers get better, and the actors clearly feel more comfortable in their characters, but it still does a lot of things that irritate me and I wanted to point them out. But the actors try their best, and god bless Alberto Rosende and Matthew Daddario for being the gems they are. 

I always say that if we could have the film, and replace the Alec and the Magnus from it with the ones for the show, that it would be my idea of a perfect adaptation. And it would, in my mind. But people have different opinions, and I respect that. I also like a lot of the characters from the show, like Isabelle and Luke, I just feel conflicted because they are SO different from their original iterations, and I like the characters Cassandra Clare presented me with in the books. 

Please don’t be insulted by this, these are my opinions, I just wanted to share them. Yours are probably different. Feel free to share them with me. And Jace...I can’t even with the show’s Jace. I just...jesus.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant/review. Hope you...enjoyed it? I don’t know.