#And other characters will be added after a bit

[ravenstargames]

✦ LOST IN LIMBO DEVLOG #18 | 05.02.2025

Phew. Brace yourselves—this one is packed, so let's have a bullet list for those who don't want to read me yapping for another month!

Extended Demo: Prologue backgrounds done! ✨

All the new sprites for the LIs and their expressions are done and coded! ✨

The Prologue script is done and ready to be proofreaded, with more than 36k extra words! ✨

Extended Demo: Prologue tracks are done! ✨

New QOL features added!

Achievements coded!

Concept art phase started on Evie!

First of all, let's talk Extended Demo! We can confirm our first update with the new sprites and some new features will come not in June, but in May! :^) We'll set a date pretty soon; even if it's not the juicy major update you're waiting for, we hope you are looking forward to it!

As for the CHUNK of it all, the new prologue, that'll have to wait a bit more. We want to wait until we can give y'all a precise date before saying anything, but know work is going well. Sadly, we have decided not to join Steam's Next Fest this time around as the big update won't be coming until a bit more later. Let's see it!

A very professional graphic, you see! Our...roadmapish graphic with no dates because we'd rather not make promises we can't keep!

So, first of all, our first big big update, version 2.0, will come this year. Version 2.0 will include the new prologue, which features you can see listed on the right. There's more, but we have listed only the juiciest stuff. Our Kickstarter Beta Access Backers will receive the first build of the update (without any major bugs), and once they deem it ready, it'll be sent to our Kickstarter Early Access backers. Then, boom! To the world!

This update will pave the path for the first chapter of every route, something we want to offer for free, as you may remember. First will be Amon (v2.1), then Gael(v2.2), Raeya, Envy, Ara, Xal, and Pride. Then, we'll work on two routes simultaneously (script wise) but prioritize one. That means we'll work on Gael's route while working on Amon's, but Amon's will have priority. After every chapter of every route is out, no more free / public updates will be done until final release. We'll enter public early access for those who want to pay for it. Of course, our Kickstarter Beta and Early Access will have all the content before it goes public.

After our first big update, we'll open a Patreon as some of you have suggested to keep investing in the game and maybe, if things go well, to start supporting ourselves :^) You'll be able to enjoy special content, updates, and get Early Access to the game's progress (at a price we'll discuss with our backers first to make it fair for them. Please keep in mind our Kickstarter Backers will have priority on everything!).

Now, changes in the workload / responsibilities have been made after analyzing Raquel's new situation and it becoming a (for now) permanent part in her life.

To compensate for the amount of work Raquel won't realistically be able to pull of, we've decided to officially have Airyn work on our concept and character art as well. If we want the development of the game to keep going steadily, we have to put our (and your) money to good use. Don't worry, we've mathed hard and we've got the funds for it! Our composer has already been paid for our original soundtrack (our first and only stretch goal!), so that and other stuff are secured :^).

As of today, the new sprites and the new expressions of all our LI's are done and coded! Also, Raquel has implemented the fixes you all suggested for our dear dad. Tree Pride is no more, the golden accents are yellower, and the original tone of the gauntlets is back! Also his head tilt and his smile have made a comeback, as y'all wanted!

Thanks to Raquel for her hard work, all the sprites are ready for our first update!

Also, work on Evie's concept art has started! Our Kickstarter folks will get a sneak peek of some sketches, so you folks will have to wait a bit to see her! In addition, Astro has begun working on more voidbound, so you can encounter more versions of them instead of just voidbound-chan! :^)

All the backgrounds for the Prologue of the Extended Demo are done!! ✨And animated, by the way!

Now, as Airyn will be helping us with the characters, we will have to halt work on the backgrounds for a little while. After the Prologue come Amon and Gael's first chapter, and those will include a lot of new locations, and we'll have to dedicate some time to properly flesh out the aesthetics for both routes. During this small break, I'll properly design the moodboards to give to Astro and Airyn as soon as the new characters are done :^)!

The writing for the Extended Demo: Prologue is done. DONE. I'M DONE.

Originally the new prologue was going to be 20k extra words, buuuut we are sitting at 36k extra. Our editor Allie side-eyed me a bit (with love), and we both know some chopping may be done because I tend to write above my possibilities. So, now we are entering the "this could've been an email" phase. I hope the wait for the first update of the Extended Demo is worth it—I think it'll be, but you'll be the ones to judge!

I've, obviously, been programming the new sprites, as well as the bones of what will be our Achievements section, again thanks to beloved Feniks who has a tool for this in Ren'Py. Achievements won't be coming until our big update, but I want to get the jist of it with enough time!

I also have been battling the code to make it so those of you who turn off the Timed choices know easily when there's a timed choice and when a choice is...well, not timed. Timed choices will have a cute little hourglass on each side! Also, a lot of miscellania like adding Tomás in our credits, revisiting the game to make sure the sprites work accordingly, changing the gallery graphics so they match the new sprites, and so on!

New art has been added to the artbook, and our manufacturer has finally given us a date in which our pins will be done! That's more relevant to our Kickstarter backers, so more about that in there. Kayden is still working on a bunch of mini CG's, as per usual!

Soundtrack wise, Tomás has delivered even more than we needed for our first big update—instead of only two tracks, we now have four original tracks that will be added to our big update! They are finished, cleaned, and ready to go. And let me tell you, they're absolutely breathtaking :`)

April has also been the month to fight taxes, the government, and our own counselor. We even had a big scare with a bunch of oopsies that surprisingly weren't our fault, but that's solved now!

As for our personal lives, I've been fighting the demons of my PhD courses and trying not to cry when faced with math (I failed). Astro has made some big decisions about the course of his life that we see as something positive, Raquel is feeling the pressure of her irl work and wanting to give more to LiL, and Kayden is existing peacefully. Damn I hate that guy /j.

Oh, also, Airyn is very happy to be able to help us a bit more. She's also been working a lot on different stuff (not only for us!), so send good vibes her way!

Somehow this devlog doesn't feel like a lot????? And we did a lot of stuff! Progress is going great!

I guess we are feeling a bit down because the first big update won't make it to this June. We were giving it our all, but even with Airyn's official help, we don't dare to say it'll be ready for June. You always feel like a...not pressure, but duty? To give a date (even if it's just an approximate one) but we'd rather not this time around. Let's just see how everything flows while giving it our all.

That being said, I'm headed to get some rest! I hope you all are doing alright, and as always, thank you so much for the support, the kindness, and everything else 💜

[sundayeleith]

It's time I post my opinion on the other changes of the demo ! I'll try and make it sort since I want to make another post about Leander's route in particular >:)

Tldr : I liked it and I can't wait to see how everything will go plot wise in the full game 👀

/!\ Spoilers for TS demo update ! /!\

Onto Vere and Mhin, I really appreciated being able to explore more choices. Mhin is so cute and what a nerd I LOVE THEM. Also Vere... I know what you are and you have a type 🫵 (he is a freak /pos)

So let's adress the tiny bits first : the origin change, and the minor dialogue/scenario changes. Love it. Yes I like the new origin I think the idea is cool, what I didn't like was the change itself (but that's not the topic). Firstly, it gives us a big info : there IS several languages in the world of TS ! WOOO let's go if that's not a win for bilingual/multilingual MCs idk what it is

The minor changes I notices are mainly a few differences in Kuras and Ais' segments which are very welcome, and more depth added to Mhin's and Vere's segment. First of all thank RSS for shutting up dense people by stating why MC wears bandages rather than gloves. I mean, most of us figured it out a while back by rubbing two braincells together, but it's nice to see it mentionned ! It was seemlessly added to Kuras' segment too, really nice. Then expending the Iris segment was good (also confirmed the NPC telling us abut Ais is Iris, or well, what's left of her anyways)

The new sprites and expression are all super good. Special mention for Vere's smile, truly the highlisht of that category. That and Leander's puppy eyes expression-

Now let's talk about the bigger changes and also the man of the hour (who's also my wife /j) LEANDER YEEEEEEAH BABYYYYYY. So other's have already pointed out the changes and explained very well the symbolism behind it. They got rid of the dog imagery to get a snake one, which is very clever. Also on the addertsone, a magic item also associated with snakes (or adders) and poison ? Wonderful. Leander in terms of theme and design is already sourrounded by a lot of poison symbolism (notably his color palette, he is dripping in green and has a shade or green that once was made with arsenic) so the changes ties perfectly with it. One thing that was removed which I think should have stayed is the green cloaks on Leander's followers. Not only it would reinforce the cult-ish vibe but go very-well with the snake imagery of the Adders and would even elevate it. That said, maybe it'll be added later or will be noticeable on future NPC sprites. The green cloaks aside if they don't keep it, I hope the Adders will all have a sign of distinction no matter what that could be (bonus if it's very subtle or hidden)

Then for the rest of the changes, they not only changed the Bloodhound into the Adderstone but changed Leader's characterisation. As a Leander simp, to be fair the change isn't drastic, only the presentation is. If anything, they didn't change Leander's character and take another path, but cranked it up to eleven. And I absolutely loved it. He is more charismatic, more assertive, and is very obviously more manipulative and calculated. He isn't outwardly hostile to MC, far from it, but let's me tell you something. After the tavern segment, if you chose Leander's route. When he closes the door and locks it, with his front facing sprite. I was terrifed (/pos) the dev's nailed it and they know what they are doing with him and leaned into that aspect of him more and honestly thank you RSS for catering to us freaks rather than the "but I want Leander to be a normal guy" crowd (I will forever judge them it's a gothic horror game for the love of god). I need him more than before. Oh my god. My ony complain tjo is I thought Leander would go full scary creeping and stab MC in their room and it didn't happen so I was a bit disappointed BUT. But I smell like it's because they are keeping the sauce for the full game. That was a mere sample, a teaser of Leander depravity and my body is READY for it.

I will revisit my Leander analysis doc I never posted and expend on it and make an updated version to match the Demo 2.0 update, but you can be sure I'll post it once I have time to put it together sihfoqhf

Be prepared I have a theory about what's his deal and I can't believe I've never thought about it while it was so obvious 🫵

[katyahina]

Family tree of Izalith! (Well, in a certain timeframe, she actually has like 50000 more babies and you know it)

Explanations for design choices and names under cut:

1) Izalith IS her actual name! It is a bit obscured, but Miyazaki did mention it in the design works interview ( x ): "...Despite his size, he’s actually the youngest of Izalith’s children, he stands gazing up at the ruins where his sisters live. " Quelana also mentioned it in Japanese script:

私の母イザリスは : ‘My mother, Izalith’

2) Quelaana/Quelaan is not a thing! According to the dataminers, it was just a mistake that endured so long it spread within the fandom, but nope, Fair Lady remains nameless. In fact, as you can see, Quelana is actually Quelaana, because of the long ー!

3) I've noticed the pattern between Quelana and Grana, both eldest. Quelana says she abandoned her younger sisters in Japanese script:

…私は、母も、妹たちも、すべて棄てて逃げ出したんだ

Their names are very similar, only Grana is missing the ー (that localised as double aa) and 'ku' sound is replaced with 'gu' sound! So, クラーナ (Qura~na) and グラナ (Gurana). The sisters also tend to come in pairs: Quelaag and Fair Lady had the same mutation, two sisters became right and left arms of Bed of Chaos, and then two eldest sisters share a naming pattern... So I've decided that they should be born as twin pairs (not necessarily identical as you can see), and repeat the naming pattern. But always replacing 'ku' with 'gu' didn't work because, I shit you not, in that case Fair Lady's name would sound like word gulag fsdhfdshfsd So I had to get creative with the sounds!

4) Appearances of Grana and the Parasitic Wall-Hugger (labeled 'Prince Izalith' internally and having same mutation as Jeremiah, only entirely swallowed) are based of the secret face data attached only to Grana! Whereas removing her helmet just gives placeholder default data, loading her through debug menu will (seemingly randomly) load one of these faces:

Other faceless NPCs like Ciaran and two Darkmoon Blades do not behave like that! This NPC is seemingly broken, but I believe the blond girl is "canon" since the body is female and seems to match her head! But attaching that guy to Grana's data specifically made me think he must be connected to the Witch's family!

5) Whereas Quelana has normal skin tone in character data, trophy that depicts her and her concept art show grey skin, just like her mother's:

The thing is, in Dark Souls 1 creator it is impossible to make purely grey skin because you need RGB type of color selection slider for it... which Dark Souls 1 does not use. Purple, green and blue? Sure! But not grey. So I decided to ignore her face data colors as technical limitation and base her off the art of her instead! It fits, because Izalith herself has grey skin too!

6) The Tailsman of Fair Lady's hair in Dark Souls 3 has her hair pulled through Old Witch's Ring:

(By dataminer Zullie: ( x ))

I added this part on her former hairstyle... Let's assume she allowed someone to cut her hairbun for their sake, since her hair helps with casting miracles and she is a very generous lady. I actually think ALL sisters used to wear a variant of Old Witch's Ring in some capacity after Ceaseless was born to understand what he was saying, but some of the portraits I've drawn don't let me showcase them!

7) Seeing how Quelana just looks like her mother and Grana just looks like her father, I thought it was fitting if twin pairs would be born with dark and fair hair! But Quelaag already has a circle of green close to her pupil and some grey shades in her hair, so I thought that the younger sisters get, the more the colors "mix". That's why the youngest sister just has colors mixed completely, whereas 'Prince Izalith' instead has fractioned colors from both parents!

8) The idea of Nameless King having had colorful mane and eyes in his youth is based on this theory I smoked recently:

His youngest version having 8 red strands in his hair is based on his symbol of Warrios of Sunlight having radiant red rays in Dark Souls 1!

Ornstein and the Dragonslayer (fought as Dragonslayer Armor) also have red plume! But wheras Ciaran and Artorias have just their hair on their helmets, Ornstein and Dragonslayer specifically have a decoration... so, why imitate red lion mane, if their liege is not even red-maned in any way? XD

(add ingame filter that makes it red rather than brown)

At the same time, if Lion Clan people to him are what Corvians to Velka, it would make sense if they were based on him too, so golden hair also had a place to be:

The black-maned lions are Hollow though, so I don't think of them too hard! So I guess Nameless King is as much Radahn prediction as he is Godwyn prediction! God of War associated with the lions and all.

9) Theory that Lost Sinner IS Princess/Queen of Venn just makes the most sense, nothing else to say here... Venn was affiliated with the Moon though, and Sinner has both beard and breasts:

And whereas normally all gender-neutral pronouns is localized as 'he', in this case, devs specifically instructed people to not fuck this up and specify she IS a female character x) Moonlight IS gender-bending power of the setting as confirmed in Dark Souls 3 (and partially in 1), and it adds to her connection to Izalith whose grey skin and blue lips might hint to initial Moon affinity too! Moon and Fire always go together in Dark Souls and Elden Ring, and in Elden Ring they are also inherently hostile to the "Sun" or "Gold"... so, Jealous Moon!

10) I thought Izalith felt broken and used seeing how her firstborn was just a child of Sun, without any link to her. So in her grudge and strive to equality, she separated Jeremiah from her own being... Though, ironically, as you can see, her side ended up "dominant" if not suppressive anyways. I guess I felt like subverting trope of Lilith a little. It also interestingly enough mirrors Daughters of the Dark; two of them, Elana and Nashandra, have fair hair and green eyes, and other two have dark hair (and brown eyes, Alsanna has a hidden brown-eyed texture). She mirrors this type of splitting with her colorations a bit!

[shenanigarson]

It's even worse when you consider that anything can be an ad. Anything.

The clothes on your back? Branded. (Usually aggressively). Think about your jeans. Notice the patch on the waistband? Or your average t-shirt. Unless you go out of your way to consistently wear bland solid colored shirts- there's almost always a pattern or graphic on there. Usually said graphic is a popular brand name, logo, or a character of sorts.

Talking about media you love? Yeah babe, that's free advertising for said media. Games, movies, TV, even musical theater, They didn't pay you to talk about it, but you'll yap anyway because you love it. They love that shit. Word of mouth is just another way of saying "free advertising"

For those of us that partake- weapons. (Yeah. Weapons.) Usually have the maker's name plastered EVERYWHERE. I get it helps for maintenance reasons, but you don't need the name slapped on there 5 or 6 different places. I've seen archery sets where the brand name is labeled all up and down the curve of the bow, the wrist strap, the arrows, and on the carrying case. Not very discreet. Like at all.

Your devices also have the brand somewhere on them. And in some countries- a service provider will have an animation in your startup screen. Every time you turn the device on. Even if you have a case on it, the case is most likely branded too, unless it's mass market dropshipped, or custom made- but that's a whole other can of worms for another day.

Oh babey speaking of devices- STICKERS. Sometimes a new device will come with branded stickers. Half the time they end up in the trash anyway, but they still include the stickers in the packaging. They want you to plaster your shit with their name so you can advertise for them. You paid them, for you to advertise about them.

Ads for the same brand will appear in your own device. There's no way to turn it off. Just today I got an ad in my notifications from the brand my phone was made by. Guess what? It was for their newest model. Funny how that works.

On this silly goofy fandom discourse hellsite- it's especially prevalent. Fandom is inherently advertising. fics, cosplay, fanart, discussions, music, all of it. But do we notice or talk about it? Nope. Because we genuinely care about The Things We Like™

I personally bought the premium service for a certain play button shaped video platform back in 2019- and I still pay for it today despite the price tag for watching without interruptions. Why? imagine you're absolutely vibing to one of your all time favorite playlists, finally a chance to relax and be chill for a bit after a long day where all you wanted to do was just listen to your music and zone out, mayhaps even some delicious maladaptive daydreaming- or a new video from someone you like just released and you want to watch it when out of nowhere in the middle of their sentence;

"DIAPERS FOR THE BABY YOU'RE NEVER GONNA HAVE! PILLS WITH SIDE EFFECTS THAT'LL DEFINITELY KILL YOU! VOTE FOR [Politician]! KEEP [Politician] OUT OF OFFICE! A CAR YOU'LL NEVER AFFORD! A PRODUCT YOU'LL NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN AFTER WE SHOW IT TO YOU 50 TIMES!"

etc...etc...

you can't tell me that whatever good mood you might have been in wouldn't be absolutely destroyed and beaten over the head with a stick by the time whatever was interrupted came back.

(also the fact that commercials are always louder than the actual thing you wanted to watch, thus forcing you to listen to them unless you mute it, but again- a conversation for another day.)

OP is right. You can't turn two inches without an ad slapping you in the face and obnoxiously asking (or even demanding) your money. The Corporations™ have us all under their thumbs and won't let us up.

Something so profoundly fucked up between the inverse ratio of shrinking middle class and ever increasing aggression of advertisement

[i-arch-my-backula]

Show me your fangs: Logan Howlett/Autistic reader

This is very self insert-ish. I just wanted an excuse to write about an autistic reader with my favorite characters. Like I said, this is more just servicing my self shipping ass.

Content Includes: Ambiguous relationship (can be platonic or romantic)

You are a part of the X-Men team. You work with students one on one during school hours and help everyone else deal with whatever bullshit Magneto is trying to pull. But you don't exactly act like everyone else. You have a way of taking things literally, not picking up on things you probably should. You have some niche interests you spend hours doing research into, you only eat the same seven meals every time Logan sees you eating. Sure you're a little weird, but this is the X-Men mansion, who isn't a freak?

It's mid afternoon on a Saturday, everyone else is off doing something. The Professor and Storm most likely trying to help some students. But Logan finds himself doing what he usually does, drinking a beer, walking around the mansion. He's been here for a while, and as long as he's been here, he's never really seen many other people's rooms.

Sure they're usually the same kind of thing. Similar furniture and layout, with some personal details added from that person's interests and whatever. But when Logan caught a glance from the corner of his eye at your room, he had to take another look. He didn't mean to be a creep or anything, despite his somewhat assholish nature. Your room had the same basics that everyone did, the same wooden floor, part wooden walls, and that cream color paint.

But yours was different, remarkably different. Over the entire room was decorated with vampire themes and memorabilia. Thousands, if not tens of thousands of dollars worth of posters, books, DVDS, VHS tapes, books, figures, so many things in your room dedicated to vampires.

Right now you've got your headphones on while watching how you're filing your sharp nails. You have some kind of animal mutation right? Logan can't help himself. He has to ask some questions. He clears this throat and steps into your room. You don't seem to notice him so he tries to make it more obvious.

"Hey." You glance at him and take off your headphones, your eyes staying down on your nails.

"Hi." You reply. Are you uninterested? Logan doesn't blame you, you've barely said two words to this man before, no big deal if you're awkward around him.

"You uh...You got a vampire mutation or something?" He asks, taking a sip of his beer. You shake your head and blow some dust off your nails. After a pause something crosses your face and you look up from your nails, then at Logan, then back around the room.

"No I uh...I have this cat kind of mutation thing or whatever. I just really like vampires." You set your file on your nightstand and walk over to the closest shelf. You pick up an action figure and pose it while speaking more. "It started when I was 11. I watched the 1958 Christopher Lee Dracula movie for the first time with my siblings and I just fell in love. I spent every minute I could learning about vampires. I started collecting when I was 15 and I got my first job."

Logan suppresses a smile as you slowly become more and more animated.

"So my collection started with this Universal Dracula collectible knife I got at a garage sale. I haggled for a bit and probably didn't get the best deal, but it's still really cool." You explain, walking over to Logan holding a slightly coffin shaped object. The word "Dracula" written on the top in silver. You flip it open to reveal one side of the knife has bats all over it and the other side has a drawing of Dracula. Then you shut it and expose the knife.

Logan nods his head and sips his beer again. His eyes catching your little fangs when you smile.

"Real interesting stuff." His tone is as flat as yours, but you don't seem to notice. You set down the knife then pick up a VHS tape, pointing to a signature written in black ink.

"I got my copy of 'Fright Night' signed by the guy who plays Charlie in the movie. I don't really like Charlie all that much, I think he should have just minded his own business, but that's just me." You shrug and turn the VHS tape over, showing Logan the back. He didn't expect to get sucked into a lecture about vampires, but for the next half hour, you spoke uninterrupted about vampires. Going through your collection of things one by one. But Logan had only one thing he wanted to see.

"Hey Y/N," He finally says, putting his beer bottle on your dresser. You look over at him for a moment before quickly looking down at the ground. "Show me your fangs." You look at him again, just for a moment before opening your mouth wide enough for him to get a look at your sharp, cat like teeth. He smiles and nods his head. Match made in heaven, he's sure.

[tkomptgoedluv]

revenge.

tear you apart pt.2

pt.1 here | pt.2

grumpycafeworkervampire! joost x f! reader

tags: dead dove do not eat, f! reader, internetcafe & vampire au, reader doesn’t know how to cope very well, joost’s heart is too big for his body, they’re both desperate to be the other one’s peace, so much hurt, possibly even more comfort, plenty of angst, all characters are dutch and speak in dutch but dialogue is written in english for obvious reasons.

word count: 8,489.

warnings: very detailed descriptions of blood and self harm, descriptions of an un-specific mental illness, semi-heavy stalking, breaking and entering, mentions of gore, brief mentions of violence + abuse, rpf.

notes: hello my lovelies <3 thank you so much for being so patient with this one! it’s not only the longest fic that i’ve ever written, but also genuinely my pride and absolute joy. i fear that i might not ever be able to top this one, actually, so please enjoy it! just keep in mind that this fic comes with a MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING.

also once again, a big big shoutout to my BABY @joosthead for putting up with me constantly asking her to check the doc every time that i added something. please go check out her work if you haven’t already — she’s got some mad shit coming 💋

── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ──

you never really were too good at knowing when to stop, were you?

it’s always been easy for you to get lost in it, lost in the feeling of your old razor blades carving line after line into your skin. once you started, you just had to keep going until you physically couldn’t. not until you’d get too dizzy to focus, until you just couldn’t quite keep your grip tight enough on the razor anymore.

you never learned how to cope any other way; since you were fifteen, it had been your default. cutting yourself up whenever you started to feel too much, or whenever levi would push you too far. as a kid, it was more of a punishment but with him, it was your way of controlling all the pain that you felt.

that’s why you’d done it again, why it’s been the only thing that you’ve managed to do over the past five days or so. you were trying to control things, trying to come to terms with what you had seen and all the big feelings that came right along with it.

you’d spent so long wishing him away — daydreaming of all the terrible things that could happen so you’d finally be free of him. you never actually thought that it would happen, though. that you’d witness your own boyfriend get ripped apart limb from limb; devoured as if he was nothing more than a piece of meat.

you hated that some sick and twisted part of you deep down, missed him. that you just couldn’t wrap your head around the fact that he was gone now. and you hated that when it came to joost, you weren’t quite sure what you felt. for less than a fucking hour he’d been the closest thing to friend that you’d had in years, but then he’d gone and done that and —

blood dripped down from your wrists, the tops of your arms, and your thighs, and onto the dirty white tiles of your bathroom floor. you’d never gotten this carried away before, and you had made such a mess of it. all the cleaning up would have to be done tomorrow because right now you doubted that you’d even be able to stand.

at least you weren’t feeling quite so much anymore; only the stinging of each and every single one of the fresh cuts. it all hurt, but it was a better thing to feel than the guilt that had kept you confined inside the walls of your own home for so long. you couldn’t help but wonder if you would die here, alone and bleeding on your bathroom floor, or if the police would find you before you’d get the chance to.

you’ve seen bits and pieces of what his friends had been saying online— knew that they wanted to report levi as a missing person now. you wondered how long it would be before the police would come for you, either looking for him or his killer. then again, you weren’t actually sure if there was even a body left behind for them to find.

finally, after god knows how many, you put the razor blade down. it clattered against the linoleum and laid still in one of the few small pools of your own blood. honestly, you were a little proud of what you had done to yourself, even though it still felt like it wasn’t enough. 

in a daze, you just sat there quietly as the time passed, as the blood slowly began to dry. you weren’t entirely sure of the time but it had to have been late from how dark it was outside. your phone was somewhere in your flat, having died a while ago after you neglected to charge it for a few days, but it’s time probably would’ve read something like one or two o’clock in the morning.

no one had been by to check on you, not that you had expected them to, especially not at a time like this, so you jumped when you heard a knock at your front door. silence rang out as you waited, too afraid to move, until you finally heard another one. only then did you get up.

it was with wobbly legs that you limped your way out of the bathroom and through your hallway, your heart hammering away inside your chest. you tried to peer out through your front room windows as you hobbled over to the door, certain that you’d see flashing blue lights or the silhouette of a police officer waiting for you on your doorstep.

but as you opened your front door just an inch, barely wide enough to peak your head around outside, all you saw was nothing. no cars going past, no people wandering by, nothing.

for just a moment, you could have laughed. because this was it now, surely; your breaking point. all that guilt, all of that paranoia — it was finally driving you mad. 

the old hinges of your door squeaked as you went to close it again, turning on your heels as you did so. you glanced up as one of the floorboard creaked from behind you, the gloss in your eyes only slightly blurring the sight of him standing right there, somehow.

you went to scream, a high pitched, blood-curdling shriek right on the rip of your tongue when his hand came up to cup your mouth shut. he knocked you back into the door, slamming it shut as his entire body weight came down to have you pinned against it. you could feel just how hard he was shaking as he held you there, see how those big, panicked eyes of his were flickering between blue and red.

“no no no, please, please don’t scream. i’m not gonna hurt you.”

joost was frantic as he spoke, almost choking on each of his words, begging for you to keep quiet. no matter how desperately you were trying to fight against him, your nails clawing at his chest through his shirt as you fought to get him off of you, you weren’t going anywhere. the more that you struggled, the harder his grip on you got.

you had no way of knowing it yet, but this was killing him. seeing you so small like this, crying out, sobbing, against his hand as you used what little strength you had left to try and push him away — it was undoubtedly going to haunt him. 

he knew that he shouldn't be here, not really. he shouldn’t know where you live, shouldn’t have followed you home that one night a couple months ago. it was just that there had been an attack in your city that week; some poor girl found dead in an alleyway, all bloody and beaten, barely clothed. he’d already had your routine memorised by then, so he knew that you’d be making your way back from the cafe alone, in the middle of the night.

joost had just wanted to protect you, he’d just wanted to make sure that you weren’t about to become the next headline in the local newspaper. at least, that was what he had told himself as he’d stayed hidden away in the shadows, his head down low and hood pulled up as he’d ‘escorted’ you home without you ever knowing it.

sure, it had definitely crossed some lines, him sneaking out of the cafe’s back door after you’d left that night to follow you, but the alternative was worse, right?

that’s what all this came down to, really. his insatiable need to know that you were safe. because last week, you’d ran from him that night with marks on your arm that your boyfriend hadn’t been the one to put there. and you’d ran from him, no less, scared out of your mind at the mere sight of him as he’d stood there pleading with you to stay.

and joost couldn’t stand that.

everyone else could view him as a monster and treat him as such, but not you.

never you. 

that was the only reason why he’d ended up on your doorstep tonight. he needed to know that you were okay, that you were still alive, and that you understood that what he had done to levi, he would never, ever, do to you. 

it was never his plan to ‘invite’ himself in the way that he had. he was going to knock on your door and wait for you to answer it, and he was prepared to spend the rest of the night out there, reasoning with you to just hear him out if he had to. and if by the end of it all you were to still cast him out with the promise of never wanting to see him again, he’d find a way to live with it. just as long as you’d be okay; he’d live with it.

it was never his plan to get to the top of your street and already be able to smell it. the thick, sweet, iron-heavy smell of your blood already so strong that he was gagging by the time he made it to your doorstep. hunched over and heaving, he’d stumbled up to your front door, forcing himself to take deep, slow breaths through his mouth before finally knocking. it took everything in him, every little last bit of willpower, not to turn right then and there.

“lieverd, it’s okay. i promise it’s okay; i’m just here to talk. you…you don’t have to fight me.”

even as you were still thrashing, joost leant down to rest his forehead against yours. his eyes bore into yours as they continued to flash between the two different colours, a few tears of his own welling up behind his waterline. the last time that you were up this close, close enough to see the sweat shining on his temples, you were grasping onto his arm in such a feeble attempt to hide yourself from who you thought to be the only monster in the room.

the one whose blood you’d later seen dripping down from in between joost’s fingers, as he’d clutched onto his heart like a trophy.

he should be the real monster to you — a small part of you even wanted him to be. as terrible as levi truly was, he’d never bitten the head off of anyone, never ripped a heart straight out of someone’s chest. he was just…levi. he was your boyfriend and you hated him, but you never wanted him to die.

there was a bigger part inside of you, though, one that twisted up at the thought of joost being anything like one of the ‘bad guys’ from your old bedtime stories. because despite everything that you’d seen, despite how he’d found out where you lived, somehow, and now had you pinned up against your own front door with his hand holding your mouth shut, you knew that he wasn’t. he wasn’t evil, wasn’t dangerous like how your boyfriend had been, and you knew that. you just didn’t quite know it yet.

still, you began to relax. whether it was by choice or because you simply didn’t have any fight left in you anymore, you weren’t entirely sure. your whole body felt as though it was on fire from how several of your cuts had ripped open slightly from your struggle. small spots of blood started to seep through the thin, white cotton of your shorts as you almost went limp against joost; your eye-contact unbreaking. 

there was just something about the way in which he was looking at you. it was the exact same one he gave you that night last week, when he was desperately trying to convince you not to go back home to levi. his hands had been cupping each one of your cheeks, his warm breath fanning across your face as he panted. seeing that same look on him now, it was enough for you.

joost had felt you start to ease, had heard the fast beating of your heart start to slow. his grip on your mouth loosened as he gently wiped away the wet from your face with his free hand, tucking the loose strands of your hair away from your eyes.

“i’m gonna let you go now, okay? then we can talk?”

you nodded, blinking away the tears from your eyes.

as he held back a breath, joost finally moved his hand away from your mouth and took a single step back — allowing you just enough space to stand up on your own. he still hadn’t looked away from your face, his eyes stuck on yours as he searched your features for any signs of fear, any signs that you were about to turn and run. 

but instead you seemed…calm. still very much in shock; your hands still very much trembling as you wrapped your arms around your middle. but you were calm enough to stand your ground and not shrink underneath his gaze. you didn’t flinch when both of his hands came up to cup either side of your jaw, the pads of his thumbs caressing along the skin.

“are-are you okay? i’ve not seen you in…i thought that maybe you had…”

he couldn’t quite find it in him to finish his sentence. it wasn’t like he needed to, you already knew exactly what he was talking about, and now it all started to make sense. 

that look in his eyes, the way his voice kept shaking every time that he spoke. he was here because he was scared, terrified even, that you’d done something to yourself. that night you’d told him, more rather shown him your secret so he knew what you were capable of now, and it had been driving him mad ever since you disappeared.

you hadn’t needed to say anything; the way you suddenly pulled yourself away from him had said enough. in all of the chaos he hadn’t thought to simply look down. if he had, he would have seen all the damage you’ve already done; every single one of the fresh cuts that you’ve given yourself tonight and all of the ones from the nights before. the old vest top and pyjama shorts that you were wearing weren’t hiding anything — from your shoulders down to your shins, he could see everything now that he had finally dropped his gaze.

with his head down, you couldn’t see his face but you could feel the way he tensed up. you could hear him sniff, cough, and swallow down the bile that was rising up in his throat as he stumbled back a few steps.

you were still bleeding. 

it was making his teeth ache.

neither of you said anything for a while. you stood frozen by the door, your arms still wrapped around yourself as he just stared blankly at you with tears running down his cheeks. 

he felt sick; sickened by the very thing he’d been so afraid of now staring at him right back in the face. he couldn’t stand the sight of it but couldn’t bring himself to look away, either — there was just so much red. long, neat lines of red that covered you almost completely from head to toe; no patch of skin left unmarked. it was vile, it was abhorrent, it was breaking his heart.

“why?”

that was all joost could muster. a pathetic, broken question as he tried so desperately to pull himself back together. 

“i…i don’t know.” you paused only to wipe your teary eyes on the back of your hand. “i never know what else to do when i feel like this; it’s just been hard, joost -”

you trailed off, quickly losing your train of thought when you heard him sob all of a sudden. you hadn’t seen him start to crack because you’d been staring down at your feet, suddenly feeling too shy to meet his eyes. except now he was the one trying to hide, his arm coming up to cover his face as he cried hard enough to make his shoulders bounce.

he repeated ‘i’m sorry, i’m so sorry.’ like a mantra in between shallow gasps of breath and hiccups.

he was blaming himself for this because how could he not? all those cuts along your skin; you might have been the one behind the blade but he had been the one to do it. he’d been the one to scar you like this. that one irreversible act of his that he prayed would keep you safe had pushed you to an edge that he feared he wouldn’t be able to pull you back from. 

it wasn’t even his responsibility to, not really. he didn’t know you and you didn’t know him, either. still, he found himself loving you in a way that didn’t make any sense. 

and you loved him too, didn’t you? in a way that you couldn’t quite wrap your head around because of course you did. you proved that to both yourself and to him by how you finally moved from your spot by the door just so you could take his hands and pry his arms away from his face. you let him engulf you, cradling you close to his chest as he cried into your shoulder because you knew that he needed it.

you didn’t know who he was or even what he was, but you knew that he wasn’t something to truly fear. deep down you knew that you loved him in such an awfully twisted way, and you knew that he needed to feel you just to know that you weren’t going anywhere. 

joost was still spilling out his apologies as you tried so hard to soothe him. you felt him shiver under your touch when you let your hands slip underneath the hem of his t-shirt to rub the hot skin of his sides, your soft little whispered assurances filling his ear. 

it wasn’t his fault, nor was it levi’s or anyone else’s. you were like this long before he’d ever set his eyes on you and a part of you had already accepted that you always will be. the very last thing that you wanted was for it to be a burden someone else had to carry, let alone somebody like joost.

“you didn’t do this, okay? it’s alright. i’m gonna be alright.”

maybe it was cruel of you to try and calm him with words that even you didn’t fully believe in. what you had done to yourself only an hour ago, only you would ever be to blame for it, but you didn’t know if you were going to be alright in the end. you were still a witness to what he’d done and you were still doomed to live with the guilt of that.

“you don’t need to apologise for what i’ve done; you know that this is what i do. it’s not your fault.”

“but i fucked up, lieverd.”  joost shuddered as he sucked in a sharp breath, sniffing. “i fucked up and i did this to you; you did it because of me.”

you hushed him, carefully stepping back just enough so that you had the room to cradle either side of his neck in your hands, urging him to look back at you. as soon as he did, you could see that his eyes were back to being just their usual sweet blue, nothing else.

“i did it because i was scared, joost. i didn’t know what else to do.”

“what, scared of me?”

his question was more like a punch to the gut than anything else. for just a moment it knocked the air out of you; left you winded and with no idea on how to go about answering it. truthfully, the answer was yes, but also no, because it was never actually him that you were so afraid of.

you were just afraid of what he did; what you know joost is truly capable of now. you were afraid of the part of you that was almost relieved to see levi suffer what he did, knowing that it meant that he wouldn’t be able to hurt you anymore. but again, you never wanted him to die. you never wanted to see him get torn apart, piece by piece.

joost whimpered out your name when you didn’t answer and instead just stood there with your mouth slightly agape. your lack of an actual, verbal answer was an answer in itself, really, and he knew that; knew that you were probably just too scared and too kind to tell him the truth. still he needed to hear you say it though, purely for his own sake, he needed to hear you say that he wasn’t just another monster to you.

but the longer that he waited, the weaker his knees started to feel. he kind of fell into you, in a way, burying his face deeper into the crook of your neck as your arms came up to hold him against you. his hot tears ran down your skin and pooled together in the dip of your collarbone and it was right then that your own eyes started to burn. 

slipping out from his grasp, you wordlessly led him by the hand over to your sofa. you watched him collapse onto it as you took a seat next to him, his elbows rested on his knees as his head hung low in between them. his shoulders were still shaking and you could still hear each of the muffled cries that were spilling from his lips.

“please, please, believe me, lieverd. what i did…i never wanted it to hurt you. i’m so sorry.”

you curled yourself into a tight little ball and let out a long, deep breath, one that you hadn’t even known you’d been holding. you had questions; so, so many questions that had been festering, growing like mould in the back of your head. and joost could almost feel you holding them back as he looked up at you with such watery eyes, the only red in them being the sore, puffy rings around them.

“ask me anything, whatever you wanna know.”

“why did you do it?”

there was no emotion in your voice and you kept your face blank as you spoke — it was only the slight quiver of your bottom lip that gave you away.

“he was going to hurt you, schatje.” 

“but how…how were you even…?”

it had happened decades ago, back when internet cafes were still just your average libraries and when only the rich could afford to have their own mobile phones. 

joost had been young, living off the high of infamy and adoration that came with being in one of the best punk bands in the scene at the time. him and his friends, they’d been something of local legends; for good and for bad, it just depended on who you asked. those that loved them deemed them god-like in their old denim and rusted chains, and those that hated them, simply feared them.

he’s not proud of it, how they spent day after day rotting away in a garage, doing whatever drugs they could get their hands on and writing songs just to spend night after night playing shows at only the worst bars they could find. how they’d get even more off their faces afterwards and start fights, smashing up the venues and spray-painting anarchy symbols anywhere and everywhere that they could. how if the night didn’t end with them running away from the cops then it would end with them in the bed of anything with a pretty face, two legs, and a heartbeat.

and then what was supposed to be the best night of the band’s life, the biggest show they’d ever played to a crowd that already knew all the words to their songs, became nothing more than the beginning of the end. it’d happened after they’d all really outdone themselves, whilst those so-called ‘friends’ of his that only ever brought out the worst of him were all passed out somewhere, and joost had decided to go out for a little wander. 

still to this day, he can’t remember the face of who had jumped him. the alleyway had been too dark and he’d been too drunk to even know where he was, so all that truly stuck with him was the agony of it all. the searing pain of a pair of fangs plunging deep into the side of his neck, the gradual, stinging cold he’d felt as the life was almost all but drained from him. whoever it was, they’d left him there to die afterwards — still to this day, a part of him wishes that he had. 

waking up that next morning something so much worse than human, consumed by an appetite so uncontrollable that he just couldn’t help himself when he came across that lone jogger whilst on his way back to his friends. surely it had to have been worse than death. he’d torn that poor guy to shreds as if it was nothing, as if he was just pulling chicken off the bone. 

but he hadn’t stopped there, had he? he couldn’t, he didn’t know how to. even after he’d shown up on his drummer’s doorstep covered in blood and crying his eyes out, he had to keep going, keep feeding. because joost wasn’t too good at knowing when to stop, either, was he?

it had taken him years to figure it out, actually. years of mindless, reckless slaughter to realise that he actually hated what he was now, and that his ‘friends’ weren’t ever really his friends. from the moment he’d shown up that day, all stained red and babbling about the man he’d just killed, the band played him like a puppet simply because they knew that they could.

regardless of the change, he was still joost. they knew that it really wouldn’t take much to get inside of his head, to spin whatever that had happened to him into something almost profitable for them all. and it hadn’t, because everything they had him do was always ‘for the band’, so really, how could he have said no? 

besides, he would have been lying if he’d said he hadn’t come to enjoy it, after a while. seeing the life drain from their eyes as they’d beg for mercy, pleading with him, promising him that they’d do whatever he wanted if he’d just let them go. he’d always laugh then, before sinking his teeth into their throats. 

and it helped that these people also happened to be nobodies, too. from shitty bar owners that wouldn’t let them play to members of a rival band that had just gotten a little too cocky for their own good. no one ever missed them, most hardly noticed that they were gone.

joost was never a monster to them, to the band, just an over-glamorised attack dog that could do a lot more than just bite.

it had taken him far too many years to realise it.

“that’s how i ended up with the cafe…i wanted to get away; i didn’t want to be like that anymore.” he paused only to gauge your reaction, or more so your lack of one. you hadn’t said a word the entire time, hadn’t flinched or pulled a face; you had barely even blinked. 

“what did you do with the body?…his body?”

the sudden sound of your voice, it made him glance back up at you with a small quiver in his lip. you were still staring blankly at the wall ahead, your expression borderline unreadable, but your words hadn’t cracked and your hands weren’t shaking anymore, either.

“i know some people that are…like me; they handled it.” when you fell quiet again, joost continued, wiping the snot from his nose as he did so. “i’ve done a lot of bad things, lieverd. what i did to levi, fuck, that’s not even the worst of it. you should be scared of me; i’m scared of me.”

“i’m not.” 

“why?”

“because if you were still the monster that you think you are, i wouldn’t have even made it halfway out the door that night.” 

after only another moment or two of silence had passed did you finally look down to meet his eyes again. whilst there was a shine in yours that definitely matched his own, there was something so soft about the way you were gazing at him. it made the muscles beneath his shoulders relax and drop down as he breathed out a quiet sigh of relief.

you didn’t need to elaborate any further, didn’t need to say anything else to prove to him that you knew he wasn’t that person anymore. he could tell simply from the hint of a smile that was tugging at the corners of your mouth. from how it was with careful, delicate movements that you moved to crawl onto his lap and hugged him, nuzzling your face into the curve of his neck.

the large, warm palms of joost’s hands slid underneath the cotton of your tank top and soothed the cool skin of your spine as he rested his head against yours. instead of asking how you were even real, how someone so undeniably good was able to look past each and every single one of his sins, he kept quiet to let the last few tears of his fall.

but if he had in fact asked, then you would’ve told him that truly, you couldn’t hold any of it against him. 

of course it was all awful, from the countless faces he’d torn apart to the people that he terrorised even before the change. your skin had been crawling as joost had spoken and you just couldn’t ignore the fact that anyone else in your position probably would’ve taken off running by now. that, and that they’d have every right to.

except you weren’t just anyone, were you? as far as you were concerned, those old so-called ‘friends’ of his were the real monsters, because you of all people knew what it was like to be hurt by those you trusted most. to have someone so deep inside your mind that you quickly became blind to everything else. you couldn’t hold it against him because in your heart, you got it. you could feel that, that wasn’t who joost was anymore.

“can you stay tonight? for a little while?”

you felt his hands trail down to the side of your hips and squeeze as you pulled away just enough to see his face, your own two hands falling down to rest against his stomach.

“i’ll stay for as long as you want me to, schatje. i’m here.” 

being on the brink of almost giddiness as you nodded, that small smile of yours twisting up into an almost grin, you hadn’t realised how his fingers were starting to roam. that his hands were gently moving around, rubbing up and down the flesh of your waist until they reached the very front of your hips. 

you hadn’t been fast enough, hadn’t been able to take hold of his wrists to stop him before the soft pads of his thumbs could find the aching, bumpy lines of the cuts you’d put there a few days ago. as you froze, you watched his own sweet smile drop and his eyebrows furrow, and felt him slowly lift up the hem of your top just enough to see the true extent of it.

even in the low light of your living room, even if his eyesight wasn’t as unnaturally good as it was, he still wouldn’t have been able to miss it. just like the rest of you was, the tight skin of your stomach and all the way across to your hips were marked with the same harsh, red gashes. most were scabbed over but a couple were sprouting fresh drops of blood from where you’d been moving around so much, pulling them apart at the seams.

you went to stand and then tried to simply twist yourself away when you couldn’t, but even then joost’s hold on you was too strong. his touches were feather-soft as he traced the tips of his fingers along every single one, following them down to the ones on your things and then back up along the ones on your arms. by the time that he reached your eyes again they were already scrunched up closed, hiding from him.

“because of me.”

it was more of a statement than a question, partly because he already knew the answer, and partly because he knew that you’d still deny it if he asked.

“joost -”

“- you have a first aid kid somewhere, right? lemme help.”

you shook your head as you went to tug your vest top back down, only to freeze when you finally caught a glimpse of all the little spots of blood that had seeped through your clothes. you stopped and stared at them for longer than you meant to, your hands trembling as you toyed with the material between your fingers. 

the blood was always your favourite part. how it would slowly peek through the small breaks in your skin before oozing out, running down your body until the drops would fall and hit the floor. it had a way of hypnotising you every single time, making you want to keep going and going just so you could see it happen over again and again. even now, when the tiny red polka dots were nothing more than just a few sticky stains on your top, turning the tips of your fingers a deep pink.

it took joost gently prying your hands away for you to snap out of it. 

“n-no, no, i can’t let you do that. it wouldn’t be fair, not when there’s so much blood and you’re…”

“i’ll be fine, lieverd, i promise.”  you felt him give your hands a soft squeeze as he paused, “let me help you.”

there was no point in trying to change his mind. once you lifted your head back up and saw how those big blue eyes of his were staring back at you, the smudged, dark makeup around them making them seem so might brighter, you no longer had the heart to tell him no again. he could have asked anything of you, and you would’ve said yes.

“it’s in the bathroom.”

without warning, joost moved to grip the backs of each of your thighs and stood up, smiling when you squealed as you wrapped your arms and legs around him. it baffled you for a moment how it seemed as though he already knew where to go, that he already knew that your bathroom was all the way down the hall, last door on the left. you chalked his strong sense of direction up to it just being another one of the many perks that came along with being…well, him.

and whilst that was true, maybe it wasn’t the only reason why he specifically knew the layout of your home already. maybe he’s escorted you home more than just the once, twice, three times. maybe this wasn’t actually his first time walking down your hallway at all. 

the cold of your bathroom counter underneath you made you jump slightly as joost carefully set you down on it. you’d left the light on from when you were in here earlier; your razor still laying discarded on the floor, coated in a drying layer of your own blood. you hadn’t even thought he’d seen it until he was picking it up and tossing it in the bin as if it was just a piece of rubbish that he’d dropped. 

neither of you were saying anything. joost had fallen uncharacteristically quiet, breathing somewhat heavily through his mouth as he dug through your cabinets until he finally found that little green box with the red cross on on the front. his hands were shaking as he opened it, pulling out the countless packets of alcohol wipes and plasters, dropping a few things as he did so.

had you been paying more attention, then you would’ve noticed that actually, this was taking quite the toll on him. but you couldn’t shift your eyes away from the bin, the one that now contained the very last one of your razor blades amongst a small collection of used tissues and tampon wrappers. joost had thrown away your last one, and now you had none.

“okay, i’m sorry if this stings, schat. let me know if you need me to stop, okay?”

it was as you were nodding that you suddenly hissed, your leg jolting from the pain of the alcohol wipe joost had used to clean the first of the cuts on your upper thigh. on instinct you tried to pull away, fighting against the grip that he held on you to keep your leg still against the counter.

you weren’t expecting it to hurt as much as it did. considering how many times that you’ve been here before, cleaning yourself up because you didn’t always have someone around that cared enough to want to do it for you, you thought you would have been used to it by now. you never would have guessed that it would have you in near tears all over again, gripping the edge of the bathroom counter until your knuckles slowly started to turn white. 

maybe this was just the price you had to pay for going a little deeper than you meant to. 

“hey, do you think you could just…i don’t know, talk, for a while? tell me something about yourself?” at the look of confusion on your face joost just smiled, raising his hands a little to show you just how hard they were shaking. “it’ll help me concentrate.”

he was struggling more than he thought he’d be.

except how could he not be? this was a lot for him. all that blood of yours smeared and stained across his fingers aside, simply just being this close to you was enough to somehow make him feel lightheaded. feeling your knees on either side of his thighs as he stood in between your legs, so close to you in fact that he could hear your heartbeat louder than anything else. 

he just needed to hear your voice, needed something else to focus on besides your blood that now laid underneath his fingernails.

“oh shit, uh, okay….um…”

you weren’t sure why you started to chuckle, almost, stumbling over these noises that barely even resembled words. you wanted to come up with something to talk about fast, to help get joost’s mind off of what he was actually doing, but the harder you thought the quicker your mind went blank. nobody’s ever really asked you to talk about yourself before; you had no idea what to say.

there wasn’t a whole lot to say, really. you used to have interests; hobbies that you used to put your heart and soul into, dreams that you were so determined to make a reality for yourself. levi had, had other plans for you, though. either, he would simply take up too much of your time, or he’d be so insistent that those hobbies of yours were ‘pointless’, that eventually you grew to lose interest in them. since day one of the relationship, everything about you had to be about him.

you used to think that it was probably for the best, that maybe he was right and you really were just wasting your time. but now that he’s gone for good, and you’re stuck with someone in front of you that genuinely wants to get to know you, you realise now that there’s nothing for you to tell them. there’s nothing of who you used to be left.

joost gave your knee a quick squeeze before turning his attention onto your arms, having slowly picked up on the fact that once again, your lack of an answer told him far more than you wanted it to. 

“okay, let’s start with the easy stuff — what did you want to be when you were growing up?”

“i wanted to be a painter.”

you hissed again at the burn of one of the alcohol wipes against your skin; smiling softly when he reassured you of just how brave you were being.

“a painter? that’s sick! did that happen?”

“almost. i went to school for it, got a degree and everything, but uh, levi always said that it’s not a ‘real job’ so…”

joost’s frown was immediate. he was shaking his head, the lines in his forehead already so prominent. “did you really give it all up because of that? that’s bullshit.” 

“i didn’t really have much of a choice, joostie.”

you both fell quiet again after that.

he felt horrible for reacting like that, fearing that you mistook all of his anger towards levi and each of the silly little ideas that the guy had planted in your head to be aimed at you. you’d sounded so defeated as your shoulders slumped, your voice falling to a near-whisper as you moved your gaze onto the floor. of course you didn’t have a choice; that much should’ve already been obvious. 

and it was the look on your face now that was hurting him the most. a look of mourning as you pondered the life that you almost had, had it not been for that asshole and the hold that he’d once had over you. as joost wiped another cut clean, he regretted for just a moment not going back for seconds that night — it would’ve been the least that levi deserved.

“what kind of art did you do?”

that brought something of a smile back to your face as your mind drifted back to all of the scrapbooks you had hidden underneath your bed. old, dust-covered notebooks filled to the brim with page after page of everything from doodles to full-fledged paintings. your bottom lip wobbled when you thought of all the canvases though, the same ones you once watched levi destroy one night just because he’d wanted to see you cry after a fight.

“everything — oil paint, acrylics, watercolour. i really loved chalk, though. seeing all the stains it would leave behind made it feel like it meant something more, you know? like i was really creating something.”

a gentle grin curled the corners of your mouth up as you spoke, beginning to ramble so passionately about what you loved that joost really did almost forget what he was doing. he had to stop for a second just so that he could witness that smile of yours, see that gleam in your eyes that he’d once had himself back when he was just kid writing songs in his bedroom. in a blink of an eye, you had suddenly become so alive and it had him floored.

it had him captivated, actually; irrevocably wrapped around your finger.

his hands weren’t shaking so much anymore.

“i have a friend that’s a painter; he mainly does the oil stuff, i think, but maybe i could introduce the two of you one day? he’ll probably have some chalk laying around somewhere.”

“is he…?”

“no, he’s not like me. can i lift your shirt up a little bit? we’re almost done, i’ve just got to get the last ones.”

you nodded, wondering how it was that his skin felt so warm against yours, all things considered.

“it wouldn’t have mattered to me if he was.”

joost knew that you were telling the truth, could hear it in the way that your heartbeat kept its rhythm. 

and the conversation continued to flow as joost patched up the last few cuts of yours, sticking little hello kitty plasters delicately across your hip bones. he told you all about this oil-painter friend of his, ‘daan’ — how he’d been the first genuine friend that joost had made after the change, how he never would’ve been able to get away from the band if it wasn’t for him.

joost even opened up to you about his family, his parents. even after so many years, you still had to help him breathe through it as he told you their story with tears all in his eyes. it was only fair that you did the same after that; he almost couldn’t believe it when you’d said you'd lost your parents when you were younger too, spent some time in the system just as he had. after all, that was how you met levi. 

and he told you all about another friend of his, ‘lenny’, how it’s because of her that he likes foreign graphic novels so much. whenever he’s not reading those porn mags that he swears he only picks up for the articles, he’s reading and then re-reading her old japanese comic books. you were never much of a comic book kid yourself, having always preferred to lose yourself inside the pages of a stephen king or a neil gaiman instead, so you promised to read ‘death note’ if joost read ‘the shining’.

by the time that he was pulling your shirt back down and chucking away all of the used, bloodied wipes that had accumulated, you were fighting to keep your eyes open. joost could tell that he was losing you just from the way that you kept swaying from side to side and nodding your head slightly even when he hadn’t asked you a question. it made his heart ache, knowing that you were so, so exhausted but still so unwilling to sleep because you wanted to keep the conversation going.

he hadn’t told you his favourite colour yet.

“cmon you, i think it's bedtime.”

you were yawning before you could argue, letting your head fall back against the cabinet behind you. the thought of your bed was undeniably heavenly; the feeling of your mattress dipping below your weight as you curl yourself into a ball beneath your blankets. the only problem was that you were just as comfy here as you would be over there, though, perched on the edge of your bathroom countertop with joost still standing in between your legs, his hands resting on each of your thighs.

this bubble you had created with him — it wasn’t one you were ready to leave quite just yet. there was still that fear of waking up alone again lurking in the back of your mind.

and it was before you could argue that joost was also scooping you up again, holding you up by the backs of your thighs as he began to carry you back down the hall. you let your head fall to rest against his shoulder, your arms draped loosely around his neck. if it wasn’t for that fear of yours twisting your insides and rotting your brain from the inside out, you could have fallen asleep right there. 

you probably would have.

“you’re gonna stay with me, right?”

joost glanced down at the top of your head with a crease in his eyebrows, carefully nudging your bedroom door open with his foot. “i already told you, lieverd, i’m not going anywhere. i promise.”

“no, i know that. i just mean -” you paused when he gently set you down just beside your bed, only stepping away to turn on the light until you made a sudden, desperate reach for his wrist. 

when the warm glow of the lamp flooded the room, you could see that he wasn’t smiling anymore. instead there was worry in his eyes as he took that step back closer to you again, his hands coming up to tuck loose strands of hair behind your ears.

“what’s wrong?”

“- i meant that you’re not gonna exile yourself to the sofa or anything, right? you’ll stay with me?”

it finally clicked in his head what you were asking. 

and it definitely felt like a lot to be asking of him, again all things considered. you just couldn’t do it though, you couldn’t handle the idea of being by yourself anymore. it was why you always stayed in the end, with levi, why a part of you couldn’t help but miss him. his presence would be chilling but his side of the bed would always be warm when you would wake up in the mornings. 

you didn’t want to start crying when you felt as though it was taking joost too long to answer. you didn’t want to guilt trip him like that, make him feel as though he had to even if he didn’t want to. but it was just another thing that you couldn’t help, because you were so tired and so afraid that you just didn’t know what else to do besides sit down and cry.

he copied you by sinking down into a squat, placing both of his hands onto each one of your knees. since you kept your eyes focused on the ceiling, trying and failing at trying to blink away your tears as you hiccuped, it was from the corners of your sight that you saw joost reach up to wipe them away himself. the pads of his thumbs stroked along the skin of your cheekbone and lingered there for a moment or two before he spoke.

“can you look at me, schatje?”

you did so almost reluctantly.

“i’m not going anywhere, alright? i’m not gonna leave you.”

nodding as you sniffled, you kept your eyes locked with his as you crawled back onto your bed and pulled back the covers. neither of you said anything nor dared to look away from the other as joost kicked off his shoes and undid the clasp of his watch, slipping it off of his wrist to leave it on your bedside table. 

that was all he did before he climbed into bed with you, still dressed in the same hoodie and sweatpants that he’s had on all night. you let his arms wrap around you and tug you up into his chest as you grabbed onto fistfalls of his sweatshirt, trusting that he meant it when he said he’d stay with you but still feeling too afraid to let go. 

more tears began to fall from your eyes, your shoulders wracking against him as you cried. soft, gentle circles were drawn anywhere on your skin that he could reach; your shoulders, your hips, your sides, and he murmured sweet little assurances into your ear.

“i mean it, okay? i’ve got you. i’m right here.”

it was with your whole heart that you believed him. with your tears slowly soaking through the cotton of his jumper, you believed that he’ll still be here when you wake up, all curled up with you with his hand still rubbing up and down your back. 

“i’m here.”

[nattikay]

OC lineup! All the characters that currently exist in this "story"

[taxlthomas]

this is basically my crazy origin story btw

[killertoons]

THIS IS A YEAR OLD NOW BUT I FINALLY FINISHED IT!

I genuinely think wally would try to be friends with bendy, but bendy's not so trusting...and a lil rude.

[wutheringmights]

also i really shouldn't have written stp because now i have a million ideas for spirit's adventures in new hyrule that I will never have time to actually write :((

[yayforocs]

👉👈 so @silverskye13 i saw this and..............

had to make an aron helsmet!!!!!! this was really hecking fun to think about actually like what she'd be like n design (which. is a poke at the rp server she was from actually) and also made me sit down and think more on my other minecraft ocs i have sittin around and why they ended up getting redesigns lkdsfh BUT YEAH i!!!!!!!! aron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bmpmp3]

everyone on earth probably has a hypothetical farming sim in their mind's eye that they daydream about on occasion because of the unfortunate situation that despite there being like a thousand farming games released every minute only like 4 of them are any good. and i think this is fun, i think its good to keep the imagination alive. if i made a farming sim i would bring back rival marriages from the old friends of mineral town. i want to steal someones wife.

[wreckedhoney]

a while ago on the discord i brought up the "which desk at the station is forrest's desk" question when the answer should probably have been obvious. he's been at the job for approx. one week, so it's the desk with all the unpacked boxes. it just didnt occur to me because thats Frankly A Lot Of Boxes and my first thought was this is where all the storage and junk are piled on, but no. it's all stuff forrest brought (/hc). he's a heavy packer. he spite packed all the stuff he didn't want his old job to keep even if he doesnt need or even like them all that much but now that he's blacklisted then no one in the entirety of chicago can have them

[amplexadversary]

Completely self indulgent post but here's one of the post-canon scenarios I have in my head for G Gundam.

Maybe skip this post if you don't like dark themes. Not all of what I've outlined is dark (most of it isn't), but I do cross the line past what appears in the show in regards to DG cells and abduction.

The shuffles all get roped into restoration projects on Earth between the 13th and 14th gundam fights, partially to have something to do alongside their training, partially out of inspiration by the common points of the Kasshus' and Master Asia's goals, and partially because netting their countries some decent publicity is likely to earn them favors during the Gundam Fight's off-years.

Sai is contacted by Kyral about an effort to clear out the infamous buildup of trash and cadavers on Everest; he wants Sai to leverage Neo China's help as something of a reparation kind of deal and Sai goes sure why not.

Sai recruits Argo because Bolt Gundam is built to withstand the cold, and he thinks Argo and Nastasha could help reverse engineer that quality to enable the use of their Gundams as both heavy work equipment and protection from the harsh environmental conditions that normally prevent this kind of operation.

George gets involved because someone he knows has a distant relative who died on the mountain a century ago, and they wanted him to check in with the forensics team on the project. This detail is important because eventually it becomes clear that there is a mystery to solve (that I myself haven't figured out all the details of yet but broadly know the setup and conclusion); DG-infected people are disappearing and not being investigated due to stigma. Our heroes are naturally going to be pissed about this, and will need an "in" with the field if they want to do anything about it.

First massively self-indulgent element: The forensics/body identification team inexplicably includes the real-world author Kathy Reichs, who somehow exists in this universe, and there's a little side bit about her having written a Bones book right before the 12th fight that featured a cooked cadaver found inside a gundam after entry into the Earth's atmosphere. There are a lot of weird coincidences in the book that parallel the DG incident, which creeps everyone out, but the similarities are merely born of the writer threading the needle of being believable and interesting in a way that became very true to life.

What does become relevant is when the Shuffles eventually meet up, she's able to explain the implications of a bunch of weird shit the fighters discovered (also Marie Louise read her book, and one of the in-universe liberties Reichs took writing about the gundams' black boxes that she explains in the afterword leads to ML realizing something important; that Neo Germany does not have its gundam's remains.)

While the Everest project is happening, Domon, Chibodee, and Allenby all want to continue their training somewhere on Earth, and receive a proposal from (an OC of mine who is) a historic preservationist (and an acquaintance of Allenby's): she has acquired the grounds of an abandoned castle in Europe* after submitting a plan to restore it, and needs to hire people to help with the labor.

*the castle is probably somewhere in Germany because I also want this pitch to have drama over Schwarz (pre-13th fight), Schwarz (Kyoji), and Schwarz (the next guy who was supposed to inherit the mask when the older ninja retired). Also Germany is fucking pretty.

In exchange for the help of the three gundam fighters, they and Rain get paid, plus room and board anywhere on the grounds, plus full access to the grounds and miles of sparsely-inhabited countryside for training purposes, and the privacy and ability to practice with their gundams that comes with being in the middle of fucking nowhere. Rain sets herself up to work a clinic in the next town over as well as practicing pro re nata wilderness medicine (I'm convinced every medic supporting the gundam fight would need to be able to do this.)

The group involved in the Castle project sticks around for a time, makes some good progress, and engage in occasional Shenanigans that come up when you put a bunch of weirdos in a Situation.

They aren't in town a lot save for Rain, but when they are they eventually start to pick up on gossip and news about the Mysterious Disappearances correlated with DG cell infection (as well as details that turn out to be important later). Eventually Rain brings this to Domon and Chibodees' attention and they decide that, yeah, this is tied to the DG, this is their problem, they should convene with the rest of the Shuffle Alliance about it.

Also of course Schwarz is involved because I'm the one writing this; the culprits' DG-tissue harvesting operation relies on having him captured and helpless, using cells from his body to "update" other victims' DG infections to a less aggressive strain. One thing I haven't decided is whether I want a reinstantiated Wong to head this shit, or make up my own morally bankrupt opportunistic asshole looking to twist the DG to their own benefits. I also need to decide where on the planet the center of all this insanity is, and it needs to be a place that isn't going to have any unfortunate implications (because that's a genuine risk with dark story elements)

... That's about as much as I have that is thought-out enough for me to explain. I return to thinking about this scenario a lot because it puts most of the characters way out of their element (and has a bunch of details that appeal to me specifically), and it kind of evolved into an incomplete plot outline that I don't currently have any plans to flesh out.

I think it's an interesting enough direction to go, because it follows through with a lot of the themes present in G, but takes advantage of the genre shift to avoid DBZ-crazy power scaling and adjusts the conflict more to a matter of where the main characters' prowess is most effective (Both in and out of the gundams. I'm assuming there are a ton of guys similar to Michelo's gang that just need fighting interspersed with everything else I described. In fact, kicking Some Group of Douchebags out of their protection racket is probably how team Castle even gets ahold of evidence related to missing persons.)

[pickaropoprocks]

Day 34!! "Did you want to talk?"

Original screenshot under the cut~

[coridallasmultipass]

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