#And me enjoying an analysis post I saw only for it to lead up to an unnecessary 'X shippers die and have bad media literacy' as a punchline

[hadesknockedupintheunderworld]

"If you ship these characters together at all you've fundamentally misunderstood the plot of the story"

Bro I get this if like. It's a case where people genuinely are misunderstanding the story

But like bro you know shipping is inherently neutral and doesn't necessarily tell you anything about how someone interprets a piece of media, right?

You know that people who ship something don't always want the thing to be canon, right?

You know that people shipping something doesn't change canon

Right?

[fairuzfan]

Your post about how many people are unknowingly falling for & spreading propaganda... yeah. I typed up a whole spiel of a comment on one of your posts the other day that I ended up deciding not to not actually post because it felt like detailing, but seriously. The amount of well meaning, genuinely anti-zionist people ignorantly sharing zionists' posts because they just don't pick up on the leading undertones is honestly more terrifying than than the amount of actual zionists in some ways.

I'm someone who was born into a doomsday cult, and seeing all these people falling for the exact same blatant (or so i thought lol) recruitment/manipulation tactics I've seen used by them my entire life has absolutely fucking terrifying. These are people who are actively trying to combat zionism, but I guess the general public is so uneducated about propaganda/cult tactics that what immediately reads as blatantly manipulative, misleading bullshit to me just doesn't even register as strange to most people. Not to be repetitive, but seriously: fucking terrifying.

There's so much focus on the way people/groups who want to manipulate you will use language of fear, but in this case especially, people need to realize they will almost always appeal to your compassion before they appeal to your fear.

It's all peace and love and happiness because that's what gets people in the door. You preach (or post) the mushy, happy, fun stuff that makes people feel good to draw them in, and you slowly start peppering in the ideas you actually want to lead them to believe later on once you've got them wanting to believe you.

This also has this added effect of helping the group or person's image. Even the people who you don't manage to draw in will have the impression of you as someone who runs their mouth 24/7 about how you're full of love and want the best for everyone, which is especially useful for when you inevitably want to frame yourself as the victim to demonize the people who will inevitably oppose you. If your first and only exposure to a person is seeing them calling for world peace and universal love, you are much more likely to be inclined to believe they (and by extension their cause) are the sympathetic, loving, peaceful good guys being unjustly targeted.

Sorry for rambling, but like... really. It won't always be something nefarious, of course--the vast majority of the the time, it won't be--but I think we would all be in a much better situation if people took it as a general rule of thumb that you should always be a little suspicious of overly vague talk about peace and love.

You're EXACTLY right. I really appreciate this message, because you put to words a lot of my inherent analysis of arguments and ideas. I like grew up with this rhetoric so it's easy to spot for me, but the way that people speak about "peace" as the overall goal when they're zionist is so blatant to me because there is no material change in the scenario they propose but rather a calmness where Palestinians are ignored.

And picking up on subtext of a lot of messages is something you have to have a muscle for kinda because of how subtle it is. The frightening part is, you're right, that the indoctrination part of zionism is the most harmful part because you appeal to their pathos — their fear, their sense of safety, etc — and you go on down the rabbit hole and slowly start being radicalized and pro-zionism or you might not even be pro-zionism 100% but enjoy... soft zionism as a mutual of mine put it once (if you read this and want to be tagged, lmk). Which soft zionism is the MAIN opinion in many liberal circles btw, its not an uncommon opinion.

I even remember once sharing a post by a zionist because i saw them talk about esims but when i went on their blog a few days later because something rubbed me the wrong way, I noticed their pinned and I was like "oh dam I gotta delete that other post" like that's how often this happens.

Idk, I try to combat this by putting sources or approaching from a standpoint of logical arguments rather than identity-based politics (although, sometimes i think there are some things that people who are a certain identity can be the only true experts on) so that I try to encourage actual engagement with ideas and walking them through thought processes rather than "I'm palestinian so just trust me."

Like even with my one fact checking list, idk if I succeeded but I wanted to emphasize that there are multiple factors you should consider when confronting ANY sort of information and should not blindly trust things. News sources have regularly burned or ignored Palestinians so I know a lot of us are really sensitive to these things, but I don't know! I hope people can engage with ideas more than just surface level thinking in general because it helps everyone when you actually interact with the point of view the other person is providing rather than just blindly trusting/distrusting people.

[utilitycaster]

Hi there, I saw in one of your tags recently that "if you think the raven queen was being unfair, I'm not really interested in your opinions." I was wondering if you could talk a little more about that because I'll be honest, Vax isn't my favorite character but I've seen all of C1 and I really don't get why some people HATE the RQ, call her unfair, manipulative and pretty plainly say this moon conflict is mostly her fault because she took Vax and through a Domino effect Ludinus is releasing Predathos. Also, I enjoy your theories and analysis for CR so much you got me listening to Midst, so thank you.

Hi anon,

Great question! This is going to be a very long post, with a relatively short initial answer, because there is both the literal misinterpretation that indicates this is not someone with strong analytical skills nor knowledge of canon, and a number of potential mindsets that lead to this manner of thinking in the first place, none of which I respect. You happen to have sort of hit upon the foundational elements of my whole deal re: CR meta, so, buckle in.

The first part is simple: Vex died because Percy triggered a trap before she'd been healed up. We've seen this sort of trap elsewhere in non-divine contexts (Folding Halls of Halas); it's just a form of trap. A particularly nasty one, but this is for a very powerful relic she doesn't want falling into the wrong hands, and, moreover, the party could have likely disabled it either through rogue skills or magic had Percy waited. Vax, then, as the third part of the resurrection ritual, told the Raven Queen to take him instead of Vex. The Raven Queen did precisely as he asked. He did not need to offer this (Scanlan was going to make an offering, the other parts of the ritual had gone well, it was Vex's first death so the DC was low, and Vax could have made any number of other, less dramatic offers), and he did so with the understanding that he would die in lieu of Vex, right then and there. He did not. I think that's the only case, actually, where the Raven Queen was not 100% upfront with her intentions before Vax accepted something; but he offered it voluntarily. Vax was a person who formed extremely intense connections, to the point where it was perhaps unhealthy, and did not believe life without his sister was worth living, and was willing to sacrifice himself to a god.

Everything after that was extremely straightforward. Vax communed with the Raven Queen, who spoke very directly with him in his vision in the Raven's Crest. She was extremely clear when she met with him following his disintegration: he was given the option to refuse her offer, and he took it instead. It is not manipulative to give someone a difficult decision, and if a character you like makes a choice you don't like, it is not automatically the result of manipulation.

As for the moon conflict being her fault…that is, to put it bluntly, unhinged, and what's more, ironic given that that's the manipulative argument. Ludinus tried to commune with Ruidus using a random crystalline artifact beneath Molaesmyr, centuries before Vax was born. He was going to do this regardless. If he couldn't get Vax, he'd get some other sliver of divinity, and what's more, it's been all but stated that Vax is not actually supposed to be leaving the Shadowfell to protect Keyleth, and is disobeying the Raven Queen directly (and it's been stated that this isn't necessarily helpful for Keyleth, who is trying to grieve and move on). So: Vax made his choices with the knowledge of what they entailed, is trying to bend if not break the conditions to which he agreed with full knowledge in a way that probably isn't healthy for him or Keyleth, and it's bananas to be like "wow look at how the Raven Queen made Ludinus try to free Predathos." Like. Even if she had tricked Vax, which she didn't, Ludinus literally could have just kept on his racist imperialistic longevitymaxxing beat indefinitely and left the moon well enough alone. The domino meme is a meme. I mean, while we're at it, couldn't we trace it back to Vecna instead, for killing Vax with Disintegrate in the first place, since had he not done so, Vax would have either survived that fight or would have been resurrected normally? Or perhaps it's Percy for triggering that trap. Or the Chroma Conclave for being the reason why Vox Machina was seeking the Deathwalker's Ward in the first place…but that only happened because Allura and Kima didn't kill Thordak but rather sealed him, and because a priestess of Melora cursed Raishan so that she had reason to ally with Thordak. We can go on indefinitely; the point is, to assign blame specifically to the Raven Queen when Ludinus literally did not have to do a goddamn thing with the moon is a fucking stupid take.

Below the cut, I talk root causes behind why people might decide the Raven Queen was unfair and come up with the above nonsensical argument to support that, since I don't think people say stupid things just to be stupid.

I think one root cause for this mentality of this is that the person in question wishes Vax hadn't died and is looking for someone to blame because they don't want to blame Matt Mercer and Liam O'Brien, even though yeah, that's who to blame. The thing is, as we learned in Campaign 2, character death is quite literally on the table. Had Vax not made his bargain, either in episode 1x103 or his original one during Vex's resurrection? He might have simply remained dead. Had he not given his life for Vex's, he was pursuing paladin anyway with the Everlight, and we don't know what she'd have required of him. But more importantly, for all people like to bring up a PC-centric perspective (which, in Actual Play, is inevitable) Vox Machina's frequent use of resurrection spells was in fact a massive privilege most people in Exandria do not have. And, unsurprisingly for a table whose DM made up rules specifically to make resurrection more difficult, the Critical Role cast is open to a story where death exists. I do not think it's an accident that resurrection has been made even harder in the subsequent campaigns. I also happen to think that Campaign 1 is a far richer and better story with Vax's death, given the other events that occurred. Had Vax not been the sort of person who would offer his life for a god to take in exchange for his sister? Sure, he'd possibly have lived to the end. But he was, and that's the character those people who wish he were still alive loved. If he wasn't that person, they wouldn't have liked him in the same way.

D&D is fundamentally about exceptional characters becoming more powerful, and will be focused on those characters. I do not think D&D supports a story about characters who reject all power. They can give up political power (the Mighty Nein, for the most part, do this - certainly more so than Vox Machina, and Bells Hells is yet to be seen) but they will progress in levels, which is power. Even if unwanted, it is power, because most people in the world are commoners with 5 HP and 10 in all their stats. With that said, a lot of people desperately want a subversion of this power narrative. Vax is, I think, the closest we get. In D&D you are not going to get a player character who finishes a campaign and remains Just Some Guy. But you can have someone like Vax, who doesn't have any interest in power (compare to Vex, who very much is about power and who gets a much happier ending) who nonetheless ends up on the Tal'Dorei Council and the favored of a god…and yet, in the end, his equally powerful friends still can do nothing to save him. I think a Power Bad story is overly simplistic, but "there are limits to power, and ultimately none of us have complete control" is not. I think Vax's death gives the story of Vox Machina a finality and heft that it would lack otherwise.

A second possible cause is the "What if the gods are BAD" argument. I'm going to be totally honest: I did not see this in the fandom until Campaign 3, and honestly, not until EXU Calamity in any widespread sense, which does lead me to believe that most people did not come up with it as a reasonable idea on their own until characters started saying it, because it is so plainly in conflict with the themes of Campaigns 1 and 2 that to make this argument would be obvious projection. Do I think a nuanced view of the gods as flawed beings, rather than perfection, is warranted? Absolutely. Mortals, too, are flawed, and we don't kill them all for it. I think Vax's story makes them uncomfortable because it makes it clear divine favor is not, as Ludinus Da'leth tries to argue, the gods just bestowing and withholding their gifts arbitrarily, but rather that divine favor comes with a divine responsibility as well. Clerics and paladins do not study the way wizards do; but they must live lives in service, whereas a wizard can shut the book at the end of the day and do whatever. Clerics and paladins have powers that can be taken away; a wizard does not. That's the fundamental concept behind the Age of Arcanum - wizards trying to get around the fundamental rules of this world! Vax's paladin powers came at a price. His options are guided, but also limited, by the oath he took. He is far more fettered than a wizard, in the end, and I think that fucks with the narrative of the gods cruelly withholding their gifts from all but a select few, so they instead make their gifts into manipulative punishments…while still, contradictorily, arguing that characters such as Laudna or Ashton or Imogen were denied the mercy of the gods. Now, setting aside the obvious, that these characters have their backstories because Marisha and Taliesin and Laura decided they would because this is a story, and one in which someone had a perfect life would be boring and so the gods didn't intervene with Laudna because Marisha Ray wanted to play a Sun Tree corpse (see next section), it really is fascinating to see how people who hate the Raven Queen so neatly align with Ludinus. It's fine for sorcerers to have inborn powers, apparently, and Ludinus actually has himself tried to ape druidic magic; it's not about power, it's just about that power source. Honestly, they're not even above the gods as a power source - Ludinus used the crystal beneath Molaesmyr seemingly unaware if it were of the Archheart, and he's demonstrably using Vax, and everyone loves a resurrection from the gods, but heaven forbid you pay someone for the work you feel yourself entitled to. (Entitlement: this will also be a theme throughout the rant portion of this post.)

As a brief subsection to this: the idea that bad things happen to good people because the other side of that coin is free will is an ancient theological and philosophical discussion, and one we are obviously not going to solve here, though it is a little depressing I have had multiple rewarding conversations on this topic, thanks to an academically rigorous religious education, starting from the tender age of 9, and a lot of adults on Tumblr seemingly can't engage on the level of my third-grade classmates. I think, however, it tells a truth that fits in well with the wizard (and entitled fan) desire to control everything. People are terrified of random forces. Cancer, for example, is a matter of probability. There are things that can increase your chances of developing cancer, to be sure, but the simile I used when I was taught about radiation-induced cancers was that of lottery tickets: if you buy more, you have a better chance; but sometimes someone who bought a single ticket "wins" and someone who bought a ticket weekly never does. By believing the gods of Exandria are on trial for not intervening with every little hardship or for not taking Vax precisely as he intended, they reveal a profound terror of random chance and of the free will of people who are not them. Which is very funny when you consider we're watching Actual Play, where random chance is a deliberately induced element. I think the takeaway of all of this is "I think some of you guys are really mad this is a D&D game." But let's continue.

The third, and honestly most likely cause, is honestly sort of a continuation of the first but not centered around Vax so much as just a general, in my opinion deeply childish discomfort of any sort of tragedy or unhappiness in fiction. I've noticed this a lot lately, and I am not a cultural critic and don't have a high enough level view to pretend to be one, but as others have noted a lot of people seem affronted when whatever show they are currently watching does not meet their specific standards of "comfort media" or "hopepunk." It's a self-infantilization I don't care for, and it's certainly not limited to the CR fandom (see: any grown-ass adult passionately defending a choice to only watch children's cartoons and only read YA) or even fandom at all (see: the baffling popularity of the Mr. Rogers "look for the helpers" line which was intended for anxious young children, not for adults who can and should be the helpers). It really came into focus for me with CR when people referred to both EXU Calamity and to Candela Obscura's Circle of Needle and Thread as specifically "hopeless." They are, to me, deeply hopeful series. They are sad, and tragic, and many characters do not get a happy ending, but they are ultimately about how some people will endure, and will live on and find meaning after great loss. Calamity explicitly states that because of the actions of the heroes, while devastation will occur, total annihilation is mitigated. It's like the adage of how courage only means something in the face of fear; hope only means something in the face of darkness. Happy and fluffy tales are not hopeful; they are merely not things that require you to have hope. The root word of catharsis is that of cleansing and purgation and it originally related to physical excretion - cathartic stories are about getting those complicated and ugly emotions and fears out and feeling better for it by briefly feeling, perhaps, worse! Now, again, this has worsened with Vax's story with time. Shortly after Campaign 1, it was very common to see stories where Vex or Keyleth were utterly distraught, indefinitely, but those at least were engaging with grief, even if in a very shallow and unproductive way. But this has morphed into this idea that the fact that a work of fiction might make you even feel sadness makes it bad, and wrong, and hopeless, and the machinations of a cruel and heartless god. Which brings me back to the entitlement narrative: it's really as simple as "the story didn't give me what I wanted (whether that was a happy ending for Vax, or for Keyleth, or just a lack of sadness generally, or a narrative about the gods that validates my personal beliefs, or a way to justify Ludinus's actions), so it is bad." Which again is about being in control of the narrative, which again, in D&D, is simply not something anyone can claim. Why are these people here watching a D&D game? I don't know.

So that's really it: on a basic level, if you think the Raven Queen is unfair, you are profoundly ignorant of canon, so I'm already going to have to fact check anything you cite (if you cite at all), but there's a much deeper refusal to meet stories where they are and expand one's own comfort zone at play, and that means any analysis will never consider the possibility that your pre-existing beliefs were wrong (absolutely crucial in meta). You will always play it too safe and be uninspired and reactionary because the alternative is uncertainty and fear. I think a refusal to embrace tragedy in fiction is itself a profound tragedy; that is someone who is terrified to believe that life goes on.

[thesweetnessofspring]

In my upcoming project The Huntress and the Beast, Prim was never reaped and Peeta became the sole victor of the 74th Games, earning the nickname "the Beast." Ostracized by society after a horrifying incident at the end of the war solidified his nickname, Peeta retreats to live on the mountainside alone. Years later, Katniss takes a position to live with Peeta and eat dinner with him each night for one year, partly to make up for the bread that saved her family and partly to escape Gale's marriage proposal. Each chapter is one month of this year, as Everlark grow together and build a home.

Or, an Everlark "Beauty and the Beast" retelling.

Leading up to the release of the first chapter, I'm going to be posting a snippet each Wednesday, one for each month of the year. Today's snippet is from Chapter Four: April. The first chapter will be released on January 1, 2025. See other released snippets here.

Read the snippet below:

“Did you have another nightmare?” he asks. “Or am I still too loud?” I crack a smile. “Nightmare this time.” “This time?” he asks. “It’s a wonder you’re still here, I must keep you up all night.” “The food’s too good,” I say, elbowing his side. “Keep that up and you might not get me to leave.” “Dangerous knowledge to give me,” he says. “What’s been your favorite so far?” “That’s asking too much. You’ll have to figure it out.” He gives me a sideways look, squinting one eye. “It’s the cheese buns, isn’t it?” I elbow him harder this time, gasping and laughing in disbelief. I don’t know whether to be pleased or mortified that he knows this about me. I like to think people can’t read me or really know me, not unless I’ve decided they’re important to me. Only what else did Peeta have to pay attention to out here? “I inhale half the pan each time you make them,” I say defensively. “It wasn’t that hard of a guess.” “You’re not half so mysterious as you seem.” “What could you know about that?” I say. “I have all kinds of mysteries you don’t know about.” “You pretend not to like Belle, but I see you feed her entrails from your hunts,” he says. “You said you’re bad at conversation, but I’ve enjoyed every one with you so far. You explain your decisions as if they’re made purely on practicalities, but ultimately, you think about how they’ll affect your mother and sister. Which means you make your decisions with love first and practicality second.” Once again, there’s a confusing bubbling of emotions hearing Peeta talk like this. Underneath alarm about his motivation to pay so much attention to me is a happiness that his opinion is so positive. It reminds me of the conversations that Capitol commentators had during Peeta’s Games. He was able to win over the boy from District 11 when he saw the affection the giant boy had for the little girl from his district. They’d made an alliance to protect the two girls first above themselves. Marigold, the District 12 girl, died first. Then Thresh died protecting Rue and Peeta from Cato. After the Games, it had been marked as a strength of Peeta’s: to observe his opponents and persuade them to his side. Only, Peeta had tried to keep his promise to get Rue safely home, despite the analysis that he’d manipulated others to his advantage. 

The Huntress and the Beast will have its first chapter up on January 1, 2025

[candy-red-river]

I wish the ranfren fandom was different here's why

Recently I had a conversation with a friend, which reminded me of things i liked, which reminded me of why i liked ranfren in the first place before i changed drastically.

many months ago, I was out of the hazbin fandom i was exausted and didnt feel like talking to anyone. so i rested and slept as much as i could. when i woke up i felt different, it was one of those times when i would check out strange and surreal media, only stronger. i watched vinesauce, played yume nikki for the first time and adored it,watched vinny play hylics one, and at some point ranren was recomended to me on youtube. i dont remember which one it was but after looking it up on youtube i watched some more vids, the one with nyon and luther particualrly caught my attention because it reminded me of another artist i liked. i had also left another fandom but my memory is sludge. i decided to dig deeper under the assumption that it was made by the same artist i liked, just a longer time ago

the stuff surrounding it shaped my first impressions on ranfren, it was surreal and sounded interesting, it looked like something else so i associated it with other strange media and assumed it would have a mostly quiet theorist fandom with a couple of fan arts but mostly people talking about it was a work of art and expression. (funny fact, i actually disliked randal at first since he looked so anime compared to everyone else, i thought he'd be a yandere side character but i was wrong. i eventually liked him over tim but looking back it corresponds a bit too well with my negative change)

I was wrong. That frustrated me. all i saw was fan art and it just made me feel, empty.

I was hoping i'd find theories, discussuin, analysis, talk about the different parts of the website, talk about its themes and how people felt about it, but i just got the same stuff over and OVER again, which is when i started making theory posts about ranfren, hoping i'd find more people who liked ranfren for more than just it's characters and surface level stuff.

And it worked!! but what happened after is hella complicated so i'll summerize it, when i wouldn't talk to people i'd get bored, so i constantly made new friends in the fandom. eventually i made a friend who i became obsessed with but over time we talked less and less which stressed me out to an extreme degree. eventually today i just had to unfriend them as we refused to block eachother and i wanted to speak to them when i was lessneurotic. which lead my to the first paragraph of this post.

after watching an analysis on something i liked, i felt something and self reflected.

I had become the problem i had in the first place and it had left me nothing but madness in return.

however, it also made me realize something else, why i didn't like the fandom in the first place.

the ranfren fandom doesn't feel like how it should be. ranfren is a free indie project on a website that's almost structure like an arg if you dig though some of the pages, it's surreal self expression from a near illusive person ho keeps themselves private.

yet the fandom reflects none of it, all the fan content feels nearly one dimensional and barely talks about the source material itself aside from it's characters. but nothing else.

all the fandom cares about is social pleasure as well as parasoocial, fanart, shipping, ocs, it all feels so self indulgent in the end without mutuality or respect for ech other, the creator of ranfren, or the project itself. it's shallow water that dries out FAST and it's not sustainable.

the fandom is filled to the brim with hormonal immature teenagers who care nothing for substance, only using ranfren and it's community as a vessel for interaction, not something to enjoy by itself or talk about in a non hypersocial way.

treating the creator like some internet celebrity that they want a piece of instead of a faceless stranger online.

I wish th fandom was a little more quiet, a little more calmer, a little more considerate, and a little more older and that is frankly all i ask by making this post. take of it what you will.

[borninwinter81]

Collage box collection

After discovering that I had a reasonably big stash of interesting flyers, greetings cards, guidebooks and other bits of ephemera, and seeing this tutorial, I was really inspired to use it all for something.

This was helped by the fact that recently I've found a lot of really nice wooden boxes in charity shops for very cheap - all the ones pictured here were £2. Either I've been extremely lucky, or these things turn up very often and I just haven't been looking for them.

I've posted about some of these previously (here and here), but they were only half done and these pictures are better! Plus there is one new one.

First was this wooden chocolate box. Before...

And after!

You can tell this is my first one as I oversatured the paper with Mod Podge, leading to it bubbling and creasing, but for a first attempt I don't think it's bad at all.

All the pictures I used were taken from an exhibition guide for an event I went to called "Exploring the Gothic" which contained a lot of beautiful pictures. The floral parts were from a pad of scrapbooking paper, which I also used to make the individual compartments (they are origami boxes, see a tutorial for how to make them here) and I then filled them with pieces from my collection of beads, charms, and broken jewellery.

I also had a guide to a William Blake exhibition I'd been to, and since there was an entire plate from "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell" I had to make it into a miniature wall plaque.

I did this one at the same time as the first, and again you can kind of see that I oversatured the paper which caused it to tear slightly, however thankfully it wasn't in an area where there was any writing.

(BTW, if anyone is interested in the meaning of this section, Blake is describing his creative process, albeit in a fantastical way. This blog post gives a good analysis)

The next one was a beautiful little cabinet with a broken handle.

And here is what I did with it. I kept the collaging to a minimum, only on the inside, though I might add something to the outside in the future. The replacement "handles" are a pair of my earrings!

I used some more of the gothic exhibition guide and scrapbook paper, and also a flyer for a ballet version of Dracula. I need to find some more interesting things to fill it as it currently only contains my resin crow's skull and a miniature book of Tennyson poems. Also my Cthulhu candle gets to sit on top and be worshipped by the skeleton on the right door.

I did much better with the collaging process on this one. I was a lot more patient, used less Mod Podge for each layer and allowed them to dry fully in between, resulting in no tears, bubbles or creasing.

The final and most recent is this plain box. I noticed it originally came from somewhere called "Palmyra Hardware" which instantly made me think of the Palmyra Wolves (I'm a fan of MrBallen and saw him tell the story on his YouTube channel) which gives a pleasantly creepy angle to this one before I even did anything to it!

After collaging

The central image on the outside is another William Blake painting, an illustration to Dante's Inferno, which includes the famous quote "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here". The writing saying "The way, the truth, the life" came from a religious leaflet that a friend of mine was forcibly given, and which he ripped to shreds, but I saved this part because for some reason I liked it.

Inside we've got a very famous Blake painting called "The Ancient of Days", the praying skeleton again as this image was reproduced several times in that guidebook, and a block printed demon from a handmade birthday card that a friend gave me several years ago. I'm very pleased to have finally been able to use him for something!

I've enjoyed making all of these immensely and no doubt I will do more in the future as I collect more papers and find more nice boxes 😊

[shorthaltsjester]

begging twitter to stop showing me tweets of people with no reading comprehension misrepresenting things I said but since i was going to make this more in-depth post Anyway .

when i say imogen is better read as a metaphor for generational trauma than she is a metaphor for queerness or chronic pain, i’m not talking about legitimate traits she has as a character. obviously she is queer. obviously she experiences some form of chronic pain (though i would argue her magic better suits chronic illness not pain because she states that it’s Not always painful, but it does always influence how she lives her life).

when i talk about how well she’s understood as a metaphor, i’m talking about when i’m looking at her as a part of a story, as an arc that i am witnessing rather than in the more typical fandom way of this is a fictional person who interacts with exandria as real people do. and that is a fun way to interact with characters, i enjoy it a lot! but when i say imogen (to me, as i for some reason have to clarify on my own blog which implies that these are my own opinions and not absolute fact that needs to be accepted by people on the internet with different experience and opinions than me) is best read as a metaphor for generational trauma, it isn’t a dismissal of her queerness or her illness, it’s just me thinking looking at her from that angle is more compelling.

imogen has been one of my favourite characters and least favourite characters in campaign 3 because i tend to analyse her through a lens of generational trauma and she ends up looking extremely familiar to me as someone with a family that carries their’s heavily which is as comforting as it is frustrating.

for me the main thing that looking at imogen through a queer lens of literary analysis fails to account for is harm. on the one hand - the harm that imogen experiences, not because of how people treat her for who she is, but that exists simply as a factor of her being ruidusborn. on the other hand a the harm that imogen causes. not to say that she is some malicious villain waiting for her chance to harm others, but that there are things about being ruidusborn that very much do incline her towards violence in a way that she might not otherwise be - i think about the conversation after she went nuclear and chet brought up people being scared of her connecting that to her father keeping distance. the only harm that queerness provides comes from society, and that isn’t the case in exandria. even metaphorically, the thing that society fears in ruidusborn people (while it has certainly been exacerbated by centuries of superstition and practices like we saw in zephrah) is a tangible threat. imogen’s magic when not controlled can wipe out a city block, but queerness poses no threat.

that’s why i’m not compelled by imogen’s backstory as a queer metaphor. not because i’m some imodna anti (i very emphatically am not but this fandom kinda makes me wish i was sometimes) or because i think exandria’s lack of homophobia/transphobia means that characters can’t be viewed through a queer lens or that critical role doesn’t contain some of the most compelling queer metaphor i’ve encountered. imogen just isn’t one of those characters, not because she isn’t queer, or because i think her story shouldn’t resonate with queer people, just because i find the generational trauma angle more consistent.

it’s similar with the chronic illness angle, which i will refer to as illness but you’re welcome to emphasise pain, we all have different vocabularies for the experiences we face. but just to give context i’m running off laura’s comparison of imogen’s powers to her own sensory issues and anxiety which while often Lead to pain, fall more into chronic illness in imogen’s context to me. and i do think there’s substantial comparison for imogen’s story as a metaphor for chronic illness, but i think that was much more true earlier in the campaign than it is looking at her from the current context. her beginning motivation being her search for knowledge about her powers really resonated with me as similar to someone experiencing symptoms of chronic illness but who could neither figure out how to treat them or what they were caused by.

but then imogen got more information, specifically about her mother, and her priority became not understanding her powers but understanding her current state as a person - how had she become the person she is, inclusive of her powers but very much emphasising her lack of a mother who became more and more present in the unweaving web of ruidusborn lore. that’s when i was less compelled by the chronic illness reading and more compelled by viewing her as a metaphor for generational trauma. had that not been enough on its own, imogen’s visit to relvin and her recent thoughts on her mother would be enough to convince me.

the part that makes me hesitant about this post is that generational trauma is so intensely linked to the contexts under which it is created and perpetuated. so i can’t really point to specific scenes as evidence of specific things that prove generational trauma is the most compelling and i don’t really want to unload that much of my own experience to clarify my thoughts on a character. but vaguely, i will say that imogen’s relationship with her parents is obviously the clearest source for my reading her as a metaphor for generational trauma. the fact that relvin, the only person in her family without the thing that draws society’s ire, is also the person that she has the most willing anger at is also indicative of this to me. in general, imogen’s rage that so easily transitions into sadness and vice versa comes out a lot in conversations about parents. most recently, i think about ashton’s lovely speech about found family and his distrust about parents and how as they were speaking, laura seemed to be playing imogen as sadly in thought versus months ago when fearnes parents showed up with striking similarities to liliana and imogen’s words of wisdom were let’s hurt them all.

and like. to me that angersadnessvengeancegrief is particularly evocative of the feelings that arise when you are in a family with generational trauma, especially when you are aware of it. because imogen can and has followed the logical steps that have led her and her family to where they are. early on when recounting her relationship with her dad she seemed wistful but understanding of the distance between them. in nearly every encountered with a parental figure imogen seems to be some level of distrusting for the most part, but she’s still holding out hope that her mother will see the good side. and further, there’s the complication of how dire her losing her powers seems to be, and how inextricable her powers are from every aspect of her life. she’s also southern and from a blue collar family. this means nothing except it also means a whole lot.

this is messy and not well organised but if you want a good essay you’re gonna have to pay me money for it but tldr: i say things i believe on my This Is My Opinion Blog and i don’t think i need to explain my thoughts to strangers on the internet but this was already half written in my drafts and if people are gonna shit on my opinions please at least do it in good faith and shit on my actual opinions not the ones you’ve decided i have.

[asteria7fics]

(I'm the anon who asked for the bunny headcanon) THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR FEEDING THIS STARVED BUNNY SHIPPER! Your headcanons are amazing, you've made my day! Just a thought - I feel Butters might be even more physically affectionate despite his upbringing, like how he kisses Cartman's cheek when he got AIDS and snuggles up to others while sleeping :) In the Raisin's episode (or one of the games?) it's also mentioned that he's "clingy" XD but anyways these are just some cute snippets that I liked!

Aaaah you're welcome!! Thank you for asking me to share them!

I suppose I sort of avoided an elephant in the room with that last post, since it goes a little further into character analysis than just sharing headcanons.

So... Yes, I totally agree with you that Butters is a very physically affectionate person, especially as a child.

The issue lies with something I only briefly touched upon in my headcanons: internalized homophobia.

Now I think this is something you can sort of call me out on since I don't explore it a ton in my works (for any of the boys, really) but from where I'm sitting I think Butters would actually struggle with this a lot as he goes through puberty.

Certainly he's a very accepting, kind person. However, he's been through some shit, and I imagine as he gets older and is able to recontextualize a lot of that trauma it would lead him to a pretty logical conclusion. Being openly gay has consequences for him.

I mean, even just on a surface level the boys openly bully him for being... Different. Cartman especially, and while Stan has expressed not judging Butters for being gay the opinions of his peers are certainly not the only things he's concerned with.

Not only did Linda try to kill him when she found out Stephen was out being super gay (something that Butters discovered and witnessed first hand, mind you) but they also sent his ass to conversion camp when they thought he was bisexual. Even though he had no idea what that even meant, he still saw countless kids literally kill themselves because they didn't believe they could be 'normal' or ever be accepted for who they were.

I bring all of this up to say that until Butters is away from his parents (and probably South Park in general) I don't believe he would feel safe to live truly as himself.

There's a piece of our younger selves that dies a little bit as we age and realize that the world will not be as kind as we would like it to be. That all of the 'be yourself' bullshit we're fed is, in many ways, not productive if you want to be well liked or respected in the greater parts of adult life. Many of us water ourselves down a great deal in order to survive, and I frankly don't think Butters would be an exception to that rule in his early adult years.

Once he feels safe with Kenny though? All bets are off. They are OBNOXIOUS in public, like Christ Almighty get a ROOM (¬_¬")

Anyway, thank you for the followup! I really enjoy hearing people's thoughts after I've answered an ask!

[11x13kyle]

hi feel free to ignore this if you ain't taking asks about this topic anymore. but i feel the need to rant. I saw a post that went something like "If you like one sided kyman you are still a kyman shipper" and I'm like huh???? like.... yes I headcanon Cartman has some fucked up crush on Kyle. no, that doesn't mean I'm rooting for them to get together romantically??? and I'm sure as fuck not comfortable with seeing kyman fanart and fics for personal reasons I do not wish to delve into

but yeah curious to hear your take on this. hope you are having a great summer tho

i’ve seen this take many times and it always pisses me off because it reflects a larger issue to me which is that it feels like many people only know how to analyze media through a “shipping” lens and nothing else. this isn’t to say shipping isn’t fun, it totally is, but it’s frustrating because it means that if you want to talk about other nuanced relationship dynamics there’s an assumption that you’re shipping by default and not just like. observing patterns.

so like with the one-sided kyman/cartman crush thing — i feel like there is a lot in the show that leads me to believe that cartman has some kind of fucked up crush on/obsession with kyle. at the same time, kyman makes me viscerally upset and uncomfortable to see and i have all the tags that feature it filtered for my own peace of mind. and i have been told by people that these two things are contradictory because it’s “still shipping” which makes exactly zero sense to me. the way i see it, shipping is inherently a two way street and has to involve attraction on either side, and it also involves me (the viewer/reader/etc.) enjoying the act of imagining them together. shipping to me does not include looking at a character’s behavior and going “huh. that character seems to have a weird thing for the other character. fucked up!”

and fandom aside, let’s put this in a real life context for a second so i can really just emphasize how silly this take is: imagine some guy has a crush on you and you hate him, absolutely despise him, but you know that he has a crush nonetheless. you tell your friend the objective fact that he has a crush on you and your friend replies “EW! i can’t believe you want to date him!! oh god that’s disgusting, what’s wrong with you???” even though you never even hinted at reciprocating. this would be really odd, right? we all know that one person being attracted to another person doesn’t equal a relationship in reality, why can’t that translate to how we view media? shipping isn’t the be all end all of analysis!

sorry this got long, it will happen again and again. and i am having a great summer, i hope you are too!!!! :]

[cosmicjoke]

Sorry for spamming this stupid post of mine.  I had to make a few edits to it, and I suppose, since it’s so long and overblown like all my posts, it’s best to make it a separate meta from my other about Nicki and Lestat.  Anyway, if you saw this before, sorry for the re-post.  If not, sorry for the obsessive compulsive posting in general about these books lately, lol.  I guess if there’s one good thing I can take away from the AMC show (other than enjoying it on its own merit), it’s that it got me interested in reading the books again.  I’m almost done with “The Vampire Lestat”, and once I am, I’ll be moving on to “The Tale of the Body Thief”!  I’m excited about it, as I’ve never read past “Queen of the Damned”.  And even though I know some people have said they don’t particularly like it, I’m looking forward to it anyway, and delving into more analysis if I find anything interesting to say.  My tastes seem to deviate a lot of the time anyway, and I end up really liking things most other people don’t, so we’ll see.  Anyway, enough rambling.

“I never revealed to him half of my powers, and with reason, because he shrank in guilt and self-loathing from using even half of his own.”

Another thing I wanted to talk about as I’ve gone along in my re-read of “The Vampire Lestat”, is related to what Lestat says here about Louis and being afraid to show him his vampiric powers, and how that relates back to his experience with Nicki.  

In addition to Lestat fearing, because of Louis’ obvious disgust with himself and what he is, that if he shows Louis his own abilities, Louis will feel similar disgust for him, a large part of Lestat’s reluctance to teach Louis more about his new found powers and what Louis can do with them is, I think, because of what happened with Nicki, and what Nicki blamed Lestat for, and accused him of.

Because Lestat, rather than allowing Nicki to sink into the mire of his own negative feelings regarding his abilities as a violinist, tried to lift him up out of it, tried to encourage him and make him believe in himself and his chances at success if he only kept at it.  He tried to make Nicki believe in the value of what he was doing, in the capacity his music had for creating good.  And Nicki ended up blaming this encouragement, this refusal on Lestat’s part to let him fail, to let him wallow in his own misery and self-destructiveness, and succumb to his negative self-image, for his going mad.  Nicki made Lestat believe that it was his fault, by trying to help him up out of the darkness, for his eventually falling to it.

And I can’t help but think that Lestat must have, once again, feared that history was repeating itself with Louis.  That he must have remembered what happened with Nicki.  How the last person he loved, whom he also tried to help through encouragement and support of his abilities and talent, ended up going insane and killing himself.  And so, seeing Louis’ “guilt and self-loathing” over his vampiric abilities and nature, Lestat had to have been reluctant to step in and encourage Louis to embrace them, or to teach Louis how to use them properly, terrified that doing so would lead Louis down the same path Nicki ended up on.  We see here again the damage wrought on Lestat by Nicki’s mad accusations and blame, the way they continued to have ramifications for Lestat decades, even centuries later.  And that’s truly tragic.

This also ties into another point I wanted to make about Louis, and how Louis’ self-denial in many ways ended up unintentionally hurting Lestat.  Lestat’s lack of forthcoming knowledge to both Louis and Claudia, and how that contributed to things eventually going bad between them, gets talked about a lot in this fandom, and rightfully so.  But I think, for every instant of unintentional abuse Lestat engages in with Louis and Claudia, Louis engaged in just as much with Lestat, in a different way.  Claudia’s abuse of Lestat and Louis was, by contrast I think, very much intentional, but that’s a different topic.

Another quote from Lestat sums it up well, when he said about Louis:

“His blindness to the motives or the suffering of others was as much a part of his charm as his soft unkempt black hair or the eternally troubled expression in his green eyes.”

Louis ends up blaming Lestat, and feeling resentment towards Lestat, for not teaching him about his abilities as a vampire, and indeed we see later, when he meets Armand, that he discovers for the first time his ability to scale sheer walls, for example.  Louis convinces himself that his lack of knowledge in this area is Lestat’s fault, but I think in reality, it has more to do with Louis’ own lack of self-belief, born out of his sense of guilt for choosing to become what he is.  

Lestat, after all, had no one to guide him.  Magnus left him on the very night he made him.  And yet, by the very next night, Lestat was already testing the limits of and discovering his abilities, experimenting by engaging in physical feats which would be impossible for a mortal being.  He discovered he could climb sheer walls on the second night of his immortality, something which took Louis 75 years to figure out.

Louis convinces himself that his ignorance regarding his abilities is Lestat’s fault, but if he’d really wanted to, Louis could have begun testing and discovering his abilities all on his own from the start.  He let his own sense of guilt and self-disgust keep him from it though, a kind of self-imposed punishment for what he was and what he chose to be, and in turn, though I don’t at all think Louis meant to, he ended up hurting Lestat by holding him accountable for it and using that as fuel for his own, growing resentment, feeding the turmoil and increasingly constant fighting between them.  

And I think this manifests again in Louis convincing himself that Lestat was somehow keeping both him and Claudia hostage, that he couldn’t leave Lestat because he didn’t know the extent of Lestat’s powers and that made escaping impossible.  But, again, just like Louis, if he’d really wanted to, could have discovered the extent of his vampiric abilities on his own, he could have similarly taken Claudia and left Lestat any time he really wanted, and I think he also knew, deep down, that Lestat wouldn’t have stopped either of them, that he never really would have been able to hurt either of them.

Rather, I think, Louis’ inability to leave Lestat was born out of a secret desire to stay with him.  

Lestat talks about Louis omitting from his interview with Daniel all the good things between them in the 65 years they had together.  How they used to walk and talk together, how they used to hunt the riverfront taverns arm in arm, how they would act out Shakespeare together for Claudia, or how Louis came to him at times in anxiety, begging Lestat not to leave him.  

Louis convinces himself that it was Lestat keeping him tied to him and New Orleans, but in reality, I think it was Louis himself.  And just like with denying himself his vampiric powers out of guilt, it was Louis’ sense of guilt in loving Lestat, I think, that made him believe what he did about being a hostage.  It was only after he and Claudia seemingly kill Lestat and flee to Europe that an even greater sense of guilt begins to eat Louis alive, and he’s forced to have to begin acknowledging his actual feelings for Lestat.  But only begin, as he’s still clearly in denial about them when he gives his interview to Daniel.

Claudia was the one who wanted to genuinely get away.  She wanted to be free of BOTH Lestat and Louis, having developed a genuine hatred for them both over her being turned at such a young age,  and doubtless she would have just upped and left on her own if she could have.  But she needed one of them to take care of her, and I think she knew Louis, deep down, didn’t really want to leave.  But she could sense the weakness in Louis born from his guilt.  She knew she could easily manipulate that guilt over loving Lestat, play on it and reinforce this coping mechanism, this idea in Louis that they were being held against their will by Lestat, and in turn convince him to stand by and do nothing while she murdered him.  For Claudia, going back to what I said about her abuse being, in contrast to Lestat’s and Louis’, very much intentional, when she tells Louis she’ll enjoy killing Lestat, I think she absolutely means it.  It’s icing on the cake to her, that for her plan to work, to really convince Louis to take her and leave, Lestat needs to be gone, because otherwise, Louis simply won’t go.  Again, not because he can’t, but because he really doesn’t want to.

Louis’ self-denial here, once again, and to much more devastating consequences, ends up hurting Lestat, nearly getting him killed, and plunging him into a state of degradation, desperation and isolation that would last for more than 120 years.

Going back to what Lestat says about Louis being blind to the motivations and the suffering of others, I don’t think Louis was at all aware how his own sense of guilt, and the self-denial born out of it, impacted Lestat.  

[thefreakishmuffin]

Let’s examine the dynamic between Hunter and Luz, Part 2

Whoop this is gonna be a long one as well...

Note that some of this may drift a little bit away from analyzing solely Hunter and Luz’s dynamic, but I promise I’ll always circle back to it.

Link to part 1 is right here

Last we left off, Luz and Hunter have decided to join forces in a truce to thwart Kikimora’s plans to give Emperor Belos the palismen herself. On a wall, Luz draws a fire glyph and an ice glyph and connects them together. Intrigued, Hunter states that he’s never seen a spell like this before, and asks what it will do. Luz begins explaining how it’ll work, only for Hunter to pick up on what she’s doing halfway through and finish the explanation for her. Luz looks at him, thoroughly surprised that he has such knowledge.

Hunter apologizes for interrupting and states that he read about a similar spell in a book about Wild Magic, which happens to be a book Luz has read as well. Hunter seems surprised in turn when realizing him and Luz share a common interest in Wild Magic. He starts to have what I call a “nerd moment”, where he’s starting to get really excited about what he’s talking about. He mentions that these glyphs look very similar to magic that was once practiced back in the Savage Ages. He seems almost thrilled to be talking to someone else who’s interested in Wild Magic, which is something he can’t talk freely about in the Emperors Coven, lest he receive abuse from Belos. 

However, his smile fades and he cuts himself off, saying that information on Wild Magic is restricted for a reason, and that Luz ought to stop messing around with it before she gets hurt. 

And here is something that strikes me as interesting; Hunter’s family is supposedly gone because of Wild Magic. So if that’s the case, then why is he so fascinated with Wild Magic himself, to the point where it’s something he even greatly enjoys studying and talking about? I can’t really think of any other good reason for this, other than the idea that when Belos mentioned their family, he was really talking about his own family, since it’s alluded that Hunter was likely “adopted” to Belos’ family in a way.

After Hunter tells Luz to stop messing with Wild Magic, Luz tells him that, outside of Lilith, she’s never talked to anyone from the Emperors Coven before. And asks what made him want to join? Hunter looks genuinely surprised. It doesn’t seem like he’s ever been asked this question before. Looking away from Luz, perhaps in a sense of shame, he admits that he’s a powerless witch, and that most of his ancestors were. He never felt like he’d ever have a future in their world. That is until Belos found him and took him in, and gave him a staff with artificial magic, telling Hunter that the Titan had “big plans” for him. 

Let’s go over a little analysis here. Hunter says that Belos found him. This is the statement that leads many of us to believe that the two of them aren’t actually blood-related. However, to me it still seems odd that Hunter would call Belos his uncle. Perhaps Belos wanted Hunter to call him uncle? Maybe, but it still seems odd to me for Belos to take in this random young boy as his family. Especially when Belos refers to their family as being the same thing. Part of me believes that perhaps Belos is his biological uncle, but he was estranged from the family. Either way, it’s an interesting bit. 

And we also have a better understanding as to why Hunter stays in the Emperor’s Coven (besides everything I went over in my post analyzing his dynamic with Emperor Belos). The Emperor gave him a purpose in his life, giving him magic when he never had any. Giving him a title, and making him important. This all likely seemed wonderful to Hunter at first, but as we see later on it comes with a definite price. 

Alright back to Hunter’s dynamic with Luz...

Luz listens to what Hunter has to say, and she sits beside him saying, “It must be nice to have your future planned out for you.” To which Hunter responds, “At least you get to plan your own.” It’s this exchange right here that really shows how Hunter feels about his situation. He wants to be free to decide what he wants to do with his life, but he’s now found himself bound to the Emperor’s Cult Coven, tied to a future he’s not sure he even wants. More than anything, Hunter wants to be free. This is the deepest desire of his heart.

And how do I know this? Because right after he speaks right here, Little Rascal, the red cardinal palisman, shows up and comes right to him. Palisman are drawn toward like-minded souls, and the palisman at Hexside chose someone after they shared their deepest wish. This palisman wants freedom, just like Hunter, and this is why he chooses to become his palisman at the end of the episode. (Not to mention Rascal was trying to run away and ‘be free’ at the beginning of the episode).

Okay, again, back to Hunter and Luz’s dynamic...

After their little conversation, Luz and Hunter team up and Luz prepares to cast the spell. Tough hesitant at first, gives Hunter his staff. He asks if she’s sure, and she puts her trust in him. He takes back his staff and Luz activates the glyphs. The plan goes well and Kikimora’s hand dragon falls from the sky, both with her and the palismen as well. But as soon as Luz goes to make sure the palismen are okay, Hunter is ready to betray her, activating his staff and pointing it right at her. 

Luz, however, isn’t angry with him. She’s clearly not happy with him here, but she’s not angry. But rather hurt and disappointed. She asks Hunter if he’s really willing to give up innocents to Belos. Luz then delivers this important and impactful line to Hunter: “I thought that maybe you were a good guy. But I guess I was wrong. You’re not my friend. You’re just the Golden Guard.”

That last comment seems to deeply hurt him. The idea of just being the Golden Guard and losing himself to that false identity is a scary thing for him to think about. So, in that moment, he lowers his staff, removes his mask, and finally reveals his true name to Luz. Hunter did this because he finally got to connect with someone for probably the first time in his life. And I mean really connect with someone. He was starting to feel like someone saw him for him, and not the Golden Guard. So when Luz said that he’s just the Golden Guard, he was hurt, and immediately decided to try and change that. he didn’t want the one person he’s been able to connect with to know him as a title. He wanted her to know him as a person. And what better way to do that than start by telling someone your name?

Luz gasps when Hunter reveals to her his real name. But why? Was it because she saw the good in him, and maybe thought he was having a change of heart? Or was it because he was suddenly sharing such a personal piece of himself? I’m not quite sure on that part. 

But this moment is cut short when a very disoriented Kikimora tries to attack Luz and Hunter. Hunter is quick to defend Luz, once again showing great fighting skill, and allows a now conflicted and troubled Luz to get away. Both of them are now not sure what to make of the other. Are they friends now? Are they still enemies? Neither one of them seems entirely sure. 

And the last bit I want to touch upon here is how at the end of the episode where Kikimora asks Hunter how he survived the ship crash. He simply tells her he was helped by local travelers. Notice how he consciously chooses not to rat out Luz. Just a few hours ago he was ready to arrest her and even threatened her life, but now he’s making an effort to defend and keep her safe. 

These two characters are some of the most interesting in the entire series so far, and the dynamic between these two is only going to get more and more interesting the more time goes on, and the more often they are able to meet.

[nerdyfangirl67]

With a Little Help From the Team - NCIS Reader Insert

Pairing: Tim McGee x fem!reader, Gibbs x daughter!reader (brief/vague)

Word count: 2717

Warnings: this was a pretty fluffy piece! (not gonna lie), mild language, reader is Gibbs’ daughter

Request: @ncisfan​ “Hello! I saw your post from this morning saying you didn’t have any requests for ncis at the moment and I wanted to make a request. If for some reason you don’t want to write it that’s okay but here’s my prompt,(Idk what to call it) The reader and McGee have been dating for years and McGee has to tell the whole team (Tony, McGee, Bishop, Gibbs. That team please!) including her dad (Gibbs, cause why not?) when he wants to propose. You can decide on if they say yes or no but I hope you’ll write it. Sorry if I’m overwhelming you I just wanted to make a request”

A/N: I know I’ve told you this @ncisfan​ , but I absolutely love this idea! And a McGee x reader? Yes please! I did put this in both McGee’s and the reader’s point of view and changed it up a bit. (Yeah, I got super involved in this one and it got longer than I thought…and took far longer than I thought) I hope you enjoy it darling!!

Tim stands in the bullpen, nervously trying to find the right words to tell the team about you, the team of which just so happened to include the one man capable of making him feel like a young schoolboy still wet behind the ears, especially since that one man had a lot to do with what Tim was about to say.

Tim takes a deep breath to gather his last bit of courage and confidence, which promptly fades away the moment he starts talking.

“I uh…well you know that I’ve been seeing, no dating…dating Y/N.” Tim stutters out as his nerves get the better of him, completely fumbling the carefully planned out speech he had come up with prior to meeting with Gibbs.

Gibbs narrows his steely blue eyes as he wordlessly nods his head, telling Tim to continue.

“Things have been going well, really well actually. And I’ve been wanting to, or meaning to…not that I was putting it off, because I wasn’t. That’s the last thing-”

Gibbs cut him off with a “Spit it out McGee.”

“What I’m asking is for your permission, no..that’s not - I want to propose to her.” He was speaking so fast, his words were nearly running together, his sentences jamming together into one that didn’t make much sense.

Gibbs doesn’t say anything at first. Instead, he continues to stare at Tim, looking for any trace of deception in his face. “Why?” He asks gruffly, startling Tim.

“Wh-why?” Tim squeaks out, an uneasy feeling weighing on his chest as he tries to find the right words to answer a question he hadn’t prepared for.

“Yes, McGee. Why? Why do you want to marry my daughter?” Gibbs pauses, still evaluating Tim and his reaction. “Why should I want you to marry my daughter?”

Tim takes a deep breath, a sudden burst of confidence washing over him as he realizes that the answer to such a question was right in front of him. “Because I love her… honestly, I have for a long time, even before we started dating. And, more than anything, I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to spend every day that I have left in this life showing her I love her and cherishing her the way she deserves. I can’t imagine my life without her in it.”

Gibbs surprises him then, with a small smile and a hearty clasp to his shoulder. “Alright then, probie. Now all you have to do is tell her that and of course, ask her to marry you.”

Had it been any other girl, McGee might not be struggling as much to find the words. But you weren’t just any girl. You were not only Gibbs' daughter, something that caused him far more fear than he’d ever admit (he was dating the boss’ daughter after all), but you were also close with the other members of the team, which made this whole ordeal all the more nerve wracking.

You had come to know the members of the team through your job as a technical analyst for the Naval Criminal Investigative Service, meaning you spent most of your time hunting down case leads in a cubicle. Then, as you grew better at your job, and closer to Abby (who had had something to do with getting you on Gibbs team, although she’d never admit to it), you had been moved from that cubicle to a desk in Gibbs’ bullpen, unceremoniously joining the team, although not full-time as you still worked with the cyber/tech unit, your father thought so highly of (something he would never admit out loud, even to you).

You eventually became just as close to Abby as your father was, something Abby always attributed to ‘a Gibbs thing’, - “It must be a Gibbs thing because Y/N is just as great as Jethro and we just click.” Many times, if you weren’t working on a case, you could be found hanging out in the lab with Abby.

You and Tony were best friends, spending hours talking about movies and pranking each other. And, despite your “geeky background” of tech analysis, Tony never once teased you (a courtesy Tony had never given him). In fact, he had become something of a big brother to you, filling a role in your life you hadn’t ever thought you’d needed filled.

And then Ziva had joined the team, filling in little by little that hole that had been left after Kate’s death. Even with the high tension existing between Abby and Ziva, you and Ziva had hit it off right away, becoming fast friends. Eventually, despite the perceived oddness of your friendship, you, Abby, and Ziva became an inseparable trio, even occasionally ganging up together against Tony or Gibbs.

Suffice to say, you were important to the team, just as they were to you. And now Tim was faced with telling these people that he not only had been dating you (a relationship the two of you had decided to keep relatively quiet because of your line of work and the fact that you were often times coworkers), but that he was going to ask you to marry him, a proposal of which he was seeking the team’s help with.

“So, uh...I-well, I’ve been seeing, er...dating-” Tim starts, his mind scrambling as he tries to form a coherent sentence.

“McGee, the chickadee is out of the bag. We all know you’re dating Y/N.” Ziva says matter of factly,

“Cat, Ziva, the cat is out of -” Tony starts reflexively, before pausing and turning to Tim and then to Gibbs, his mouth hanging open. “Wait-what? You’re the one Y/N has been dating?” He asks incredulously.

Gibbs takes a step forward, slapping Tony on the back of the head. “Close your mouth DiNozzo.” Tony’s jaw snaps shut at the command.

“Keep talking McGee.” Gibbs says gruffly, his piercing blue eyes settling on Tim.

“I’m going to ask her to marry me.” Tim blurts out.

“We kind of knew that McGee.” Abby states, her lips pulled into a satisfied smirk. “I mean, you haven’t exactly been stealthy about ring shopping. Or buying the ring. Or getting it inscribed.” Abby lists off, earring a few incredulous looks from the other members of the team. “Y/N’s my best friend, okay? I had to make sure the ring was a good one.”

Tony turns to McGee. “McRomeo getting married? Why is this the first I’m hearing about it?” Tony steps forward to give Tim a good-natured shoulder shove. “You like it so you’re putting a ring on it, huh?” He asks with a Cheshire Cat-like grin on his face. Ziva is the one who moves to slap him in the back of the head this time.

“Ow, Ziva. What the hell was that for?” Tony asks, a hand already rubbing the spot Ziva had just smacked on the back of his head.

“When will you ever shut up and let McGee finish?” She questions, giving Tony a pointed glare. He opens his mouth to respond, but a hard look from Gibbs keeps him quiet.

Tim timidly clears his throat before continuing. “I’d like to do it here. And, um...I’d like to do it here, with all of you.” Smiles spread through the group at Tim’s words, several ideas already being blurred out by the more enthusiastic members of the team (it was Abby. Abby was already excitedly sharing ideas with the person sitting next to her, which just so happened to be Gibbs.)

——— You squeeze Tim’s hand before letting go, reaching for the handle to your car door. “See you at work.” You say with a soft smile before turning back towards your car.

“Let’s, um, let’s ride together today, to work I mean.” Tim stammers nervously, a hand on top of your driver’s side door, stopping you from leaving.

“Are you sure? I thought we were trying to keep this, us, quiet.” You ask, stepping away from your car and closer to him. He cups the side of your face with his hand, leaning forward to press a soft, chaste kiss to your lips.

“Just once, okay?” He asks quietly, a sheepish smile on his face.

You let out a small laugh. “Just this one time, alright Agent McGee?” You say with a smile, letting him take your hand and lead you towards his car. He opens the passenger door for you, closing it behind you before getting in the driver’s side. The entire ride into work is marked with Tim either giving you a huge dopey grin or a quick nervous glance, which only serves to make you suspicious, as if the insisting to ride together didn’t already.

Tim pulls into his usual parking spot, shutting off the car before turning to you. “How about we walk in together?” He asks hesitantly, a shy smile accompanying his question.

You quirk an eyebrow up at his question before responding, “Tim, it might make it pretty obvious what’s going on between us if we do that.” “Let’s do it anyway, Y/N.” He reaches over to squeeze your hand before climbing out of the driver’s side of the car and making his way to your side of the car. He opens the passenger door for you, offering you a hand to help you out, which you graciously accept. He continues to hold your hand after you are out of the car and as the two of you walk into the building, only letting go as the two of you go through security.

The two of you are the only ones on the elevator and for the entirety of the short ride, you can almost feel Tim vibrating beside you with some sort of nervous energy. You bring his hand up to your lips, pressing a gentle kiss to it before murmuring, “You okay?” He gives you a tight nod in response just as the elevator dings, announcing its arrival on your floor of the building.

You press a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Have a good day Tim, I love you.” You say, moving towards the open doors of the elevator. Tim reaches a hand out, grasping yours and stopping your exit out of the elevator.

“I, uh, I’ve got to give you something. It’s in my desk drawer, in the...bullpen.” He stammers out, quickly retracting his hand to wipe it against his suit jacket.

“Oh, can I get it at lunch?” You ask, turning back towards the front of the elevator and pressing the button to reopen the doors.

“No.” He shouts, startling you enough that you take a step back away from the sliding doors. “I mean, come with me?”

“What is up with you today Tim?” You demand, his unexplained, unnatural behavior causing your suspicions to rise, a million questions running through your head.

“Just...please.” His voice is thick with emotion, his words coming out barely above a whisper.

You silently nod your head, stepping back into the elevator and allowing the doors to close as you press the button for the floor that the NCIS team resided on. You spare a look over at Tim, whose is rubbing his hands up and down his slacks, his face turned towards the ceiling of the elevator and his lips moving in silent words.

“Tim, what is going on? You’ve been acting weird all morning and I just-” The elevator dings, announcing your arrival on the floor of the bullpen and effectively cutting you off.

Tim puts a hand over the doors, stopping them from closing as he looks at you, his kaleidoscopic eyes pleading with you to understand and to trust him. You give a small nod, taking his outstretched hand in your own and following him to the bullpen.

Right away, you notice the lights over the area of the office you’d come to know as your father’s, as Gibbs’, were off. A flash of fear settles in your chest as you begin to picture all the possible scenarios as to why your father’s part of the office was empty and dark, none of them positive. You start to walk faster, almost pushing past Tim, to get to the bullpen. You suddenly stop short when your eyes fall on Tony’s desk.

Instead of finding your best friend seated at his desk or even finding his desk empty, you see that Tony’s desktop is covered with picture frames. Your curiosity wins out over the rising fear in your chest and you step closer to the desk to inspect the framed photos.

“Oh,” A breath of surprise leaves you as you realize that they were photos of you and of Tim, taken at different times in your relationship. A series of pictures of the two of you from your second date, taken in one of the photo kiosks that you find at the mall. The two of you making goofy faces at each other in the bullpen. You and Tim bent over a computer, faces serious as you both stare at the screen. You turn to Tim’s desk next, finding it filled with vases of flowers in your favorite color.

You move towards them, leaning down to inhale their fragrant scent, your gaze landing on your father’s desk and the photos scattered across the desktop, similar to Tony’s desk, except these were pictures you’d taken of the two of you. One of the pictures from your first trip together, from the date when Tim had told you he loved you, and the first case the two of you had worked on together and a series of selfies you’d taken with Tim at various times; all laid out like a timeline of your relationship.

After a few long moments, you lift your gaze towards Ziva’s desk, curiosity seizing you as you find her desk almost empty. You quickly make your way to the front of the desk, your eyes landing on the single piece of white paper, with only one small paragraph scrawled out in the middle of the page.

Y/N,

I love you and I have something I have wanted to tell you, or rather ask you, for a long time now. I know you’re probably wondering what that question is, so if you’d turn around, I’d like to ask you it.

You slowly turn around, the paper clutched to your chest and your heart racing in your chest as your eyes find Tim’s. He gives you a small, honest smile as he takes a step forward, his hands clasping around yours before he kneels down on one knee in front of you. Your breath catches in your throat as you realize what is happening.

“I’ve loved you for years. First, as a friend, and then as a boyfriend, and now...now I want to love you as your fiance, and eventually as your husband. Would you, Y/N Gibbs, do me the honor of being my wife?” In his hands is a modest red velvet ring box, a platinum band adorned with three small diamonds nestled on the inside of the open box.

A lump forms in your throat and as you try to speak, to say yes, nothing comes out. Instead, you nod your head vigorously and close the distance between the two of you. Tim stands fully just as you wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him in against you. You vaguely register noise in the background, noise you later learn is from the various members of ‘your’ NCIS team, as you feel him kiss your cheek.  

“I love you.” You whisper softly before pressing a gentle kiss to his lips, savoring in the feeling of his lips against yours.

“And I love you.” He gives you a deep kiss in return, leaning in to cup a hand along the back of your neck. After a moment, you pull back enough to smile widely at him, the realization that this man would become your husband, the man that you got to spend the rest of your life with, starts to dawn on you, filling you with elation and excitement, not only for your wedding but for the future you’d had with the man you loved.

Tagging:

@madamsnape921​ @ncisfan​ @thisiscalm-andits-doctor​

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

i'm so excited about you taking asks again ahhhh okay so. if you'd absolutely had to choose. what would be your top 5 cockles moments, and why? thank you ily <3

here’s the thing: there are so many routes i could go down with this, because cockles moments come in all shapes and sizes and formats. these include moments from their panels, their bloopers, the footage we get when they don’t even know they’re being recorded, stories being passed down from photo ops & autographs(one of my personal favorite ways to get cockles, tbh, because they’re all insane), and social media(tweets to each other, instagram posts & comments, etc.). 

SO! since many a list like this has already been made, and i want to stand out from the crowd, what i’m gonna do is definitively give the number one spot to each of these five categories.(i might even throw in honourable mentions because they’re so despicably in love that they warrant that. i really put my whole pussy into this, guys, i hope you’re happy.) 

disclaimer: these are my own personal opinions. but that also means i’m right. so. enjoy. 

number one: top cockles panel moment

so we’re starting off with a bang, because how do you even BEGIN to rank what atrocities jensen and misha commit at jibcon. every single one they’ve had is damning in it’s own right, for different reasons.

however, considering just how much unabashed fuckery they’ve given us to sift through, it’s a good thing i do have a personal favorite despite it all. it’s heartwarming, the sweetest thing i’ve ever seen, AND it’s jarringly cinematic - mainly because it has a whole ass arc to it that was years in the making. it might even be surprising to some people, but my favorite cockles panel moment, and what i consider the one that encompasses their entire gut-wrenching journey from 2008-2013 in the most sweepingly romantic gesture possible, is this one.

i want this burned into my retinas. i am not even joking. when i'm through with my explanation, let me convince you why this is thee most romantic cockles moment of all time.

first, some history: people call this the resume off, but many seem to forget the botched attempt at a resume off a year prior. and yes, you guessed it: it's during their break up. it's a juicy time period for a reason, guys. it came across as exceedingly one-sided and VERY awkward. let me refresh your memory as to just how bad it was, and just how hard jensen was trying and ultimately failing at winning misha over: the funniest part of the whole resume off in 2013??? every joke/bit had literally already been made/done. they were just going through the motions again, but the difference THIS time...is that misha reciprocated jensen's energy. it. is. fascinating. i want to get into it more detail in another post, and i'll link it here when i'm done, but the main takeaway, i think, and the main difference that showcases how much they've grown in a year, is that in jib 3, misha flat out refused to do an accent, and this time around, he indulges jensen for literal minutes. when i tell you they're crazy, they're crazy. i can't wait to actually dive into it later.

ANYWAY, the resume off culminates in this moment here. and, like, a million things happen in this gifset. actually, more like a million and one. the music starts playingneediremindyouthatthesongissingingintherain(h e l p), misha starts dancing, jensen 'perpetually fake grumpy' ackles lets misha think he's not going to join, misha sits down defeated, but no!!! that was jensen's plan all along(look at his stupid fucking smirk) and he offers his arm to his dance partner who immediately grins like a fool, jensen then leads misha into their kick step, they perfectly synchronise and let loose, and are then very clearly having the time of their lives, hanging off of each other with joy and ease. from their expressions alone i can tell that this moment is so. so. so. so! much more than what initially meets the eye. i mean-misha is fighting back the biggest smile i've ever seen. to me, it reads like jensen is offering something to misha, something that misha kind of gave up on expecting, and him offering his arm like that is like, a surprise to him in the best possible way(and it's so not platonic, let me just say that.) as soon as jensen did that, it ushered in a new era of cockles. this panel is jensen and misha's favourite for a reason, and i think this moment is the biggest clue as to why.

whew!!! ok. that took a lot out of me and that was only point one. moving on,

number two: top cockles blooper moment

cockles bloopers hold an extremely special place in my heart, because it shows just how fucking disastrous jensen and misha are. they are so goddamn infatuated with each other that they HOLD UP PRODUCTION ALL THE TIME TO FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER(???). let me repeat. let it sink in. jensen ackles; arguably one of the most professional actors on that show who puts everything he has into each scene, with mountains and mountains of notes to prove it: would rather hold up production to flirt with misha collins. this sounds fake. it's not. he does it. all. the. time. and here's the thing guys!!! i'm gonna let you in on a secret!!! misha loves it. he loveesssss it. on top of that-misha collins: overlooked because he's pranked and people assume he's unprofessional as well, but his only pranks are in retaliation/off-set, and he rarely if EVER causes problems if he can help it....lets himself get carried away when it comes to jensen making kissy faces at him!!! are you actually kidding me!!! i mean. misha. it's just a face. you've seen it a million times. i don't buy that it triggers something in you that strongly....you like it, and you like jensen's reaction. you can't fool me!!! lisa berry's face in that one gifset shows just how fed up the crew is with their gross, coupley boyfriend antics.

i could pull up so many examples. sooooooo many. but my favourite was sealed since the moment i saw it.

i actually already wrote an analysis on it but i can't find it :(((( which SUCKS because i really unpacked the whole thing. i'll try to summarise.

basically, a backstory is part of this too!!! jensen and misha both had a really really hard time with this scene(because it's explicitly romantic there i said it), they sat down for hours and poured over their scripts together, they were super super nervous going into filming, both of them, jensen especially, were super hard on themselves for their performances not being true to their characters but they both complimented the other's work(boyfriend moments fr). so, yeah. they weren't confident going into shooting. and how do they get themselves to feel better???? by cuddling each other, apparently.

a lot. a LOT. happens in this specific blooper. to the point that i saw it years before i knew about cockles and it raised all sorts of flags for me.

1) stop pulling my face towards your crotch(as a thinly veiled request that misha would, in fact, move jensen's face towards his crotch, considering it was jensen moving himself there in the first place. also, why so comfy down there guys???) 2) you're my baby daddy i know(in the most intimate voice i've ever heard please) 3) i know, i know, i love you too i didn't say i love you i know but you wanted to say it etc. misha's right, of course. that's what jensen meant.

it just reeks of comfort, familiarity and intimacy between the two, and it's a moment that is extremely sweet and silly at the same time. they're so <3

number three: top cockles found footage moment

WONDERFUL category. truly the culmination of the cockles experience. many people have said that shipping cockles doesn't work because 'they're just onstage you dummies!! they're playing it up for the audience!!!' here's the thing, love. i could not disagree with you more. once you climb your way up the cockles ladder, you soon learn that they are, in fact, playing their dynamic DOWN, not up. they really are just Like That™, and they could not care less about the paying audience, if we're being honest, considering how much time they take to giggle with each other and refuse to let the audience in on the joke. and i love them for it <3

anyway, my point is that this category is for all you naysayers out there, all you 'jensen and misha's relationship is just for show and is real life queerbaiting'(?????lordhelp???) oh yeah? ok, explain this.

he. he. he calls jensen sweetheart. literally enough said. there's nothing to really add here, except, misha and jared then immediately engage in damage control. jared's method is distraction and misha's is retconning('get out of the car, dude') this was what got me to buy into the cockles dumpster for GOOD good. you don't call your buddy sweetheart accidentally and sound so completely earnest while doing it! especially not when that buddy is jensen ackles!!! you think he would let any of his friends call him that? do you?

one more thing; if it was a slip of the tongue, little mouth thing or whatever, you think jared wouldn't have jumped on it immediately??? i can hear it now. 'did you just call him SWEETHEART???' yeah. that's what i thought. you know why he didn't? because it was too revealing.

number four: top cockles autograph moment

i mean, i think we all know what it's gonna be, and if you don't, well, do i have the piece de cockles resistance that is gonna send you over the edge.

if you haven't heard of this story by now, as a cockles, truther, i'm gonna go ahead and get you to read it, because there is no possible heterosexual explanation for any of it, and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

spoiler alert: it's the story where phones weren't allowed in an auto session, jensen nuzzles himself in misha's hair, leans his full body weight onto him, holds his hand, etc. etc. i'm imploding just repeating this back, actually. also, just, the sheer amount of stories from photo ops where they tackle hug each other or slap each other's asses or sing romantic songs to each other or almost kiss is, frankly, a lot. if i could wish for anything, it would be to witness them in person.

and finally,

number five: top cockles social media moment

this one is super difficult, because there's obviously a lot to choose from. but you know what? full send, i'm going with this one:

i just. what to say about this. how often do misha and jensen watch sunsets together for it to qualify as ‘always’ ??? why are sunsets synonymous with their relationship??? that’s like??? a very romantic thing????? ‘this guy’??? the fact that it’s a CANDID??? i don’t know guys.

that could have been better but i am TIRED so. there you go rose ily

[adachys]

having some thoughts about the end of shineva 3+1 😄 I can’t put everything into words properly but i really enjoyed this movie. it may not ave been perfect but i loved a lot of things about it. i dont expect anyone to read this i just wanna dump my thoughts even if it’s unorganized. this is not really anything you should take seriously and i may or may not repeat things I already said in this but my memory is very bad and i like to reiterate things. this is also my first attempt at posting on tumblr. the song below is what i was listening to while writing this terribly long “analysis”? “infodump”? whatever this would be called

first, about asuka

this scene in particular really stood out to me because we finally know why asuka acts the way she acts. shinji saying “i liked you too” was also pretty powerful because it shows his growth and they finally both moved on and she got closure. the curse of eva is gone.

shes always been a loner. in the rebuilds particularly, she is aware she is a clone of the true asuka. she’s convinced herself she doesn’t need anybody to help her. her mom was distant and her dad never there. when kensuke takes her in after shinji nearly causes the third impact, she’s finally accepted and loved for the first time. kensuke is the father figure she never had. mari also truly loved her for who she was as well, calling her pet names like princess and your highness. i thought that was sweet. honestly i dont have much to say about asuka right now but i love her anyway.

shinji (this one is long)

it was very moving when shinji finally reconciled with gendo. he finds out his father was just like him. he was on the path to being like gendo but instead of constantly grieving over kaworus death, he snaps himself out of it and finally accepts the fact. unlike gendo who eternally grieves over yui and cost all of earth to suffer for it. he couldn’t love shinji because he didn’t know how. he was so hyper focused on yui that it blinded him from what was important. that was his escape. in the part before they fight in the imaginary world, shinji cant go near him because of gendos AT field. he was afraid of his own son. skipping ahead because there’s so much to talk about, shinji abolishes all evangelions after saying farewell to rei and is alone sitting at the beach, but this time the ocean is restored to blue. he reconciled with everyone (gendo, asuka, rei, and kaworu). but something (someone) is missing. the animation decomposes to sketches. then an evangelion comes out of the water. mari falls out, and says something along the lines of “i told you I’d come back for you” (i dont exactly remember what she said) but at that moment everything returns to color and full animation. she came back for him as she promised. considering she’s a rebuild exclusive character she is the only one shinji doesn’t reminisce with. she represents moving on from the past, going to a new future.

ok so now for my train scene analysis. i admit i was not a fan of mari at first because i saw her as an unnecessary fanservice character that served nothing to the plot. as i explained just above there is more to her than was initially shown, even if she didn’t have much screentime. the picture above was very sad to watch(in a good way) though, she grabs shinjis hand and leads him to a new world, without evangelion. my interpretation is that this happens right after the beach scene. shinji wakes in a bench at a train station after the curse is completely lifted and he is an adult as he should be. on the other side of the tracks there is the original cast. the train has always been significant in the original series and the rebuilds too. it was shinjis way of escapism, to run away in his mind. this time around everyone is outside of the train, most likely representing he’s not gonna run away anymore, he has no reason to. as i said above, he wakes up immediately after the beach scene. so mari comes in and takes off his DSS collar, the symbol of his duty of piloting an eva and the weight of his “sin”. she puts it in her pocket, and i feel like thats her acknowledging his trauma but still accepting him as a person. they exchange a few lines. mari is by nature, flirtatious, and I believe shinji reciprocating that shows his growth, really. he is more confident than he was (unlike in NGE where he is kind of a wimpy pushover). so anyways, mari reaches out her hand. right now, theyre still in the anti-verse, hence the characters who have left are only just across the tracks. he wouldn’t have met them without the circumstances of eva. but shinji has already said goodbye and gladly takes mari’s hand to the outside of the station, where there is now footage of anno’s hometown. the message to the audience is that the true end of evangelion has finally happened and it is totally behind anno himself. whether or not the audience will put evangelion behind them is up to them. I know i wont be over this series anytime soon… and since this ending is up to interpretation i also want to believe that in the new universe shinji crosses path with his old friends again…

to end this shinji segment he is actually one of my favorite characters in the series and i relate to him to some degree (embarrassing moment…)

now about rei ayanami

she was definitely my favorite in this movie. the way she learned human emotion and hard work… the way she tried to think for herself instead of only doing what she was told… learning names of emotions and finding out who she is, i was broken when rei exploded into LCL. the note she left for hikari, “good night good morning thank you good bye” was just 😔💔😢😂😭👍

when she realizes she is running out of time, she goes to shinji, who has yet to overcome his emotions at a place that was formerly NERV(if I remember correctly). she asks him if he has thought of a new name for her and he says “you’ll always be ayanami”. she is content with this answer. one of her final words are “i wanted to spend more time with the boy i loved”. this is shinji. earlier asuka told her the ayanami series is programmed to love the ikaris and want to take care of them. rei doesn’t mind this either. I will always love rei and she didn’t deserve any of this…

now about kaworu

he is easily one of the most misunderstood characters in evangelion. people see him as manipulative but in reality he is the opposite. he is the only one who told shinji he loved him. at first, when he fell in love with shinji, that was him falling in live with humanity. shinjis fragile nature and heart, as an alien kaworu knew nothing of human emotions. shinji helped him realize what they were. his sacrifice and taking on shinjis first DSS choker was proof of this. in the original TV series, kaworu does a similar sacrifice so shinji can save humanity, but thats something for another day…his character is emphasized in 3+1 as well and i will talk about it.

in his confrontation scene, shinji speaks to kaworu on the dream train. kaworu notices how shinji has changed and shinji says that he can handle pain and heartbreak now. he won’t cry anymore and let himself be weighed down by the past. the scene then cuts to the beach where they first met, with shinji saying he knows this is a significant place, even if doesn’t remember meeting him there for the first time. kaworu says he is just like shinji. shinji says then that means you’re like my father. that line confused me a bit, but then I realized kaworu and shinji parallels gendo and yui. kaworu went through time and time again to make sure shinji could be happy. like how gendo hoped to attain instrumentality and reunite with yui in a better world. (Honestly i have some events mixed up in the wrong order but that doesn’t change much) kaworu then says their names are in the book of life so they’ll keep on meeting again and again. kaji appears to talk to kaworu and says that kaworu wanted shinjis happiness so he could be happy. after talking for a bit, kaworu appears to shinji near their piano room and tells him he is sorry. he misunderstood his happiness. as a kawoshin shipper…. I am happy with this type of closure. kaworu learns that shinji doesn’t need to be dependent on him for them to love each other and that his own self fulfillment should come first before devoting himself to someone else. I’m coping so hard right now..!!

i think i wrote enough for now… i have a lot of thoughts and theres more i wanna say… but this should be fine.

[bonsai62]

I just realized something... I was talking to this person one time on a post before and as I was typing that’s when i realized something:

This is for my fellow Nobamaki & Itafushi shippers! If you guys don’t ship it then it’s okay! This is just like a small analysis in my eyes and the way I read things! I can be wrong or just love reaching on a shit ton of things but this is all for fun and I love sharing with you guys!

Let’s get started! Also, this contains spoilers!

Do you guys realize that Nobamaki/Itafushi actually parallel to each other? Let me explain in shitty English and basic grammar and vocabulary lol:

As I watch and read Jujutsu Kaisen I see a lot of parallels between characters; Gojo with Megumi or Yuji, Getou with Megumi and Yuji or Nobara and Maki... but what I want to parallel between characters is:

Yuji & Maki

1. Raw strength:

Both are hella fucking strong and for people who don’t have cursed techniques, they know how to kick fucking ass. What made me realize that both of them are the same is honestly during the baseball game. I like how we were able to see Maki and Yuji making a home run... okay well Momo fucked up Maki’s groove! Haha! But during the Tokyo vs Kyoto event, Maki and Yuji go ham on their enemy.

Yes, Maki used weapons but still, we can’t deny she got good speed and strength that is similar to Yuji’s. That’s why I wish I can see them both doing a bad ass duo fight together.

I have a small headcanon that Yuji actually enjoys training with Maki the most because I feel like he can understand someone who shares similarity in natural raw strength and speed. And Maki feels the same way and it’s a good excuse to bully Yuji as a joke. I would honestly love to see that! Lol!

2. Their story:

Yuji and Maki honestly have it bad. Yuji loosing his only family member (his abuelo) and becoming Sukuna’s vessel which leads him to a future execution. For Maki is the fact that her family treated her like garbage and having to leave her sister behind and eventually her sister dying.

Both Maki and Yuji share that same pain when it comes to loosing someone. We saw Yuji with Junpei and in the Shibuya Arc with Nanamin and Noabra. Again, Maki the same with Mai.

I think what made me even realize it MORE on how alike and how they parallel with each other are these images right here and how they worded their final saying:

In the Shibuya Arc, Yuji lost it. He lost it with Nanamin and Nobara (but luckily for Todo, he was able to pick his feet back up).

If I was Yuji, I would’ve reacted the same way because imagine having the idea you want to save people no matter what but people keeps dying around you or by you? It’s tiring and I would’ve had a mental breakdown too.

After kicking Mahito’s ass, Yuji says there is no reason anymore. For me, when Maki’s arc came it really reminded me of this:

When Mai died and was killed by her own dad. Her dad took away someone who was precious to Maki no matter how much they didn’t get along. Maki really wanted to create the Zenin clan just for Mai to be safe and free.

Again, same with Maki, I would’ve killed the whole clan too because of how in general the Zenin clan is and how they treat people.

3. Having a “curse”:

Nanamin to Yuji: “You’ve got it from here”

Mai to Maki: “destroy everything”

I don’t necessarily mean a curse curse but it’s more like final words that someone important to them said before dying.

For Yuji, he won’t die because Nanamin believes that Yuji can move forward and save the world.

As for Maki, Mai tells her to destroy everything in order for things to change (I might be wrong). It’s for the Zenin clan to start fresh. That is another way I kinda Interpreted (again, I can be wrong). Maki still isn’t done with destroying things plus she is going to move forward just like Yuji. 

I have a thing that if the higher ups find out about Maki, she would be on the verge of being executed as well. So imagine both Maki and Yuji together being executed.

Now on to the next pair!

Megumi & Nobara

Again, this is just me analyzing. But if you ship Itafushi and Nobamaki, you can actually see another pair that parallels to each other but so far I haven’t seen anyone compare them yet, or it’s just me lol!

1. No rivalries:

I think what I love about these ships so damn much is that there is NO RIVALRIES. Even if you don’t ship them you have to admit it is amazing seeing a m/m or f/f getting along without being damn rivals. I’m glad Gege decided not to do that especially towards the women because it does get so tiring that two women don’t like each other for no damn reason or fighting over the main guy or other main guy. At least when Nobara didn’t like Mai or Momo, she had a reason for not liking them.

And don’t get me started with Megumi and Yuji. I was so happy to finally see two boys be friends instead of the usual, boring rivalries. I’m a be honest with you, I was pretty shocked that Gege was able to make Megumi and Yuji be so close and trust each other as friends. It’s a breath of fresh air for the two ships like omg I was happy not seeing the basic shonen bullshit with the f/f and m/m relationship.

2. Hyping up their pairs:

What I mean by hyping them up, I’m talking about the potential that Maki and Yuji has that Nobara and Megumi sees from them. Nobara since the start acknowledge that Maki is strong and vice versa with Megumi with Yuji. What made me see that Nobara knows that Maki is just amazing and strong was during the baseball when Maki was able to hit almost a home run. Nobara just knew that Maki would be able to make that home run but again Momo ruined her moment! Lol!

As for Megumi, we see while the Tokyo students came up with a strategy to win against the Kyoto students, we see him saying that Yuji can actually beat all their asses without curse energy or energy(one of those). Megumi reassures to people that Yuji can take care of himself and is very useful. Another time Megumi reassured that Yuji is strong is when he was in his bed healing from Hanami’s attacks and when they fought tiger against that one dude (forgot his name)

3. Thinking about them/defending them:

Now… this is really what made me think why Nobara and Megumi parallel with each other

It’s becasue I feel like they’re the ones who are more attached and over protective with Yuji and Maki than how Maki and Yuji are with them.

Now, I’m not saying it’s vice verse with Maki and Yuji. But I’m talking about how Nobara and Megumi expresses it. Let me explain:

While reading and watching JJK, we see how Nobara is with Maki compared to anyone else. And no, I’m not saying that Nobara isn’t overprotective with Megumi or Yuji but just the way she is towards Maki. I would honest love to see how these girls got along and how they became close!

Ever since Maki and Nobara had that deep conversation about why Maki choose to be a sorcerer, that is when I actually started shipping them because of how much respect Nobara has towards Maki and it continues to develop more and more with the two of them. We saw how Nobara got super defensive when she fought against Mai (First time) and started dissing Mai. The second time was with Momo, when she was straight up talking shit about Maki.

I love how when Nobara was talking about Maki and Yuji when fighting against Momo. However, I felt a different vibe towards it as well. What I mean by that is that I got more of a “big sister vibe” toward Yuji and a “I love and respect Maki”

But again, I feel like Nobara had some sort of feeling and attachment toward Maki ever since that fight with Momo and more than anyone else too. However, that is just me though! You do t have to agree with my reaching!

For Megumi and Yuji… First of all… Megumi would not hesitate to pull a trigger if anyone is trying to harm Yuji. What made me see that was against Kamo and the Kyoto students. I swear that day Megumi was literally about to commit murder.

Yeah, Nobara got pissed but she went easy on them, but Megumi didn’t. Oh no, he was about to commit a felony. He wanted all the smoke. He wanted that curse. I swear I even felt how pissed he was. I just feel like every time and separates, shit goes down the wrong way and everything goes wrong.

For me, shipping Megumi and Yuji is a whole ass different post but I won’t do that lmao same with Nobamaki because I can write a whole ass essay why I love how compatibly/perfect for each other lol

Bonus:

But guess what… during the Kyoto and Tokyo event, same shit happened with Megumi like Nobara: Megumi was thinking of Tsumiki and Yuji. And again, I felt like it was still different when Megumi was thinking of Tsumiki and Yuji. I find it crazy how Nobara and Megumi were thinking about two people during that event:

Nobara: Maki & Yuji Megumi: Yuji & Tsumiki

This is my personal favorite image of Nobara and Megumi. *wink wink* it’s basically the same image on who is important to to them.

Again, for Nobara and Yuji’s relationship, I just love the way it is. She gives me “big sister” energy towards Yuji and vice verse. Yuji and Nobara are those chaotic siblings that are the hyper ones while Megumi and Maki are the chill ones that can actually keep them down. There has been one occasion where both Megumi and Maki calms Yuji and Nobara down because of how they were acting and I’m not gonna lie it’s kinda cute lmao:

4. Not leaving them:

During the Shibuya Arc, Maki and Nobara separates but at one panel, Nanamin was telling Nobara and Nitta that he was going to join the Zenins. Nobara quickly picked her head up and suggested that she wanted to join him in order for her to be with Maki (this is a stretch but hey Iike being dramatic) however, Nanamin quickly declines her and tells her that it’s too dangerous. I think she was disappointed that she couldn’t go, but hey, Nanamin is a gentleman and he knows when a child is gonna end up getting hurt. I thought it was cute that she was super worried about Maki and just doesn’t care and wanting to join her.

Now, up the recent chapters, Megumi really shows us that he doesn’t want Yuji leaving him or he wants to stay by his side. Those few chapters really made my heart feel some type of way because it just the way Megumi is for Yuji and I can honestly feel how much he cares for him. As I mentioned above, I feel like everything goes to shit when those two aren’t together and I hope that they develop more and more. There has been two more occasions where Fushi doesn’t want Yuji to be left behind; one during when they were in prison and the second during the fight against Hanamin. The eyes that Fushiguro gives Yuji is full of trauma and careness.

In conclusion, I can’t wait for Nobamaki and Itafushi to develop more and more in future chapters. Again, you guys don’t have to agree with me on this. This is just for fun and sharing is fun too! If I’m overreaching then I’m sorry I just can’t help it :(!!

I hope you guys enjoyed my lil analysis! I’m sorry for the bad writing, I’m not very good at translating my feelings as I’m typing because my brain goes all over the place lol! But please, feel free to comment or give me an ask! I’ll be happy to elaborate more for you guys!

Stay safe y’all! And good night or morning!

[labarch]

Witch Hats and Prejudice Part II

<-- Part I

Olruggio, my love, my man, I’m sorry your proposal to Qifrey in chapter 40 didn’t go as you hoped, let’s sit down and discuss your workaholism, temper issues and saviour complex, yes? Yes. It’s couple therapy time at last, we’ll have a look at Qifrey and Olruggio’s relationship and at chapter 40 in particular through the following points:

-Panelling in the Orufrey conversation in chapter 40

-Prejudice and power imbalance in Qifrey and Olruggio’s interactions

-Help as a collaboration between equals (spoiler: they haven’t made it to that stage yet)

-What Olruggio wants from Qifrey

 Panelling in the Orufrey conversation in chapter 40

The conversation in chapter 40 is never framed as a happy reunion. If we reuse the analysis of the panels from Coco and Qifrey’s conversation I made in my previous post, we find the same markers of unease between Olruggio and Qifrey. Most of the panels are narrow, and get darker and darker as night falls. Qifrey and Olruggio rarely share a panel, and even when they do, they rarely make direct eye contact: Qifrey looks down, or Olruggio walks away from him, or they are curled in on themselves or standing on a slope at different eye level. For a while Qifrey is up in the air and mostly talking to himself. Oh yeah, and there’s a hat that gets in the way at some point.

It gives the sense that they are having two separate conversations, and that they never truly achieve the connection that we saw between Qifrey and Coco. On top of that, while the conversation is supposed to be about comforting Qifrey and earning his trust, Olruggio never manages to get a smile out of him, except for wobbly, miserable little grimaces. So what’s going through both of their heads, and why are they failing to meet halfway?

The chapter has an outward pull to it. The scene takes place on a slope that leads away from the atelier. The chapter opens with a herd of dragons flying away and into the night. Then Qifrey takes flight to look into the distance, while giving a very contradictory speech about how fulfilling yet dull his life is here, how happy yet trapped in an illusion he feels. He has to hold on to his cape as it flaps in the wind. It brings those dragons back to mind, like they are a metaphor for the side of him that wishes to escape. Qifrey’s migration season is just starting folks, it’s a confusing time for him okay.

In contrast to Qifrey looking ahead into a dark wilderness, Olruggio in this chapter is almost always looking back. He walks away from Qifrey to talk to him over his shoulder, or he looks back towards the atelier. In the only scene where he faces Qifrey full-on, the past is so present on his mind that he de-ages them both. It’s interesting, because it adds a caveat to his pledge of listening to everything Qifrey has to say: he is not so much trying to adapt to Qifrey’s new situation as he is trying to bring them back to the childhood stage of their friendship, when they were always together and kept no secret.

This whole looking ahead / looking back dichotomy brings me back to the mentality of the Great Hall, a society obsessed with keeping itself in an insulated bubble, wrapping itself in good intentions and noble ideals, and ignoring its own inner darkness and complexity. Qifrey, because of his inability to be content and stay in place, threatens that delicate balance. That sends the other witches around him into such a state of panic and outrage that even those who genuinely love him end up lashing out at him with uncharacteristic brutality.

Prejudice and power imbalance in Qifrey and Olruggio’s interactions

I have described in my previous post how vicious and oddly personal Beldaruit got in his attacks against Qifrey in chapter 36, but you can make the same case for Olruggio, especially since the two scenes run in parallel. There is something excessive about the violence with which Olruggio confronts his friend. For one, he is choosing a hell of a time to do it: the girls are safe, there is no urgency to press Qifrey for answers right this instant – except if he is hoping to shock Qifrey into honesty while he’s disoriented. Qifrey has just woken up from a three-day coma; he is half-naked in a place Olruggio knows worsens his nightmares; his scar is exposed; he is half-blind because Olruggio has taken his glasses; Olruggio is literally an angry dark blob looming over him. I’ve often heard it say that Qifrey is manipulative towards Olruggio, but in return Olruggio isn’t above using intimidation tactics against him, consciously or not.

There is also the staggering lack of empathy of the approach: what started this whole thing is that Olruggio learnt about Qifrey’s impending blindness. And his knee-jerk reaction was to attack Qifrey about it. Like, um, my dude, your friend almost died, he is going to go blind and lose his job, you wanna try being sensitive about it? (Note that Qifrey running after the Brimhats didn’t trouble Olruggio that much at first: after his interview with the Knights Moralis he is mainly concerned with “getting his story straight with Qifrey”; it’s only later on, when we see him staring at the glasses he’s just repaired, that he starts voicing his doubts about Qifrey’s intentions). He may be right to suspect that Qifrey is hiding things from him, but there’s a pretty big leap between “you are keeping secrets” and “you are wilfully using your own child as bait”.

This whole suspicious climate, that makes Olruggio jump straight to the ugliest conclusion possible, is once again a feature of the Great Hall mentality. The mind of a person who has been in contact with forbidden magic is forever corrupt, and his actions are forever suspect. Had Qifrey been anyone else, he would probably have been given the benefit of the doubt for losing track of his students while he was, you know, extremely concussed and suffering from blood loss. Interestingly, Olruggio’s concern – whether, when faced with a chance to go after the Brimhats, Qifrey would choose his quest over his students’ safety – is addressed as early as chapter 22: after an instinctive movement to rush into danger, Qifrey pulls himself back and takes measures to keep Coco and Tetia safe, and even plans to call Olruggio and the Knights Moralis as reinforcements to help rescue the others. Then he gets hit in the head by a giant snake golem, and the rest is history.

In general, Beldaruit’s and Olruggio’s accusations that Qifrey is using Coco as bait without caring for her wellbeing just don’t hold up. First, all the attacks by the Brimhats so far have occurred in completely mundane, teaching-related settings with other adults present (at the stationary shop, or during an exam), so pushing blame onto Qifrey clearly comes from prejudice rather than evidence. Second, if Qifrey’s sole aim was to get clues on the Brimhats, he would pressure Coco into taking the Librarian test as early as possible, but we keep seeing the opposite: he encourages her to take breaks and to enjoy her training rather than be laser-focused on her goals. Hilariously, out of the two tests Coco passed so far, Qifrey gave his approval for none, thinking it was too early for her (extra-hilariously, Beldaruit is the one who speed-ran Coco through her second test). I’m just saying, if Olruggio hasn’t noticed any of this and can’t take it in consideration before bringing out the accusations and threats, maybe he’s not doing that good a job as a Watchful Eye.  

Another thing about this climate of suspicion, added to the power imbalance between Qifrey and Olruggio, is that it prevents them from having a healthy fight. Olruggio invokes his duties as Watchful Eye to berate Qifrey whenever he steps out of line, but when Olruggio lets his temper carry him too far and misuses his own power (when he drags Coco out to the Knights Moralis even though she had already been officially accepted as an apprentice in volume 2, or when he accuses Qifrey of using Coco as bait in volume 7 without proof), Qifrey never criticises him for doing so. It’s not that he is shy about speaking up to power – he is more than happy to yell at Beldaruit and Easthies when they mistreat his students. But when it comes to Olruggio, Qifrey is compelled to shoulder as much blame as he can, and seems almost afraid of saying anything negative to him.

It would have been justified for Qifrey to start chapter 40 by getting mad at Olruggio for his earlier accusations: Olruggio had been insensitive, unhelpful and completely out of line. But instead Qifrey pretty much encourages Olruggio to attack him again: from his “I thought you might be mad at me” to frantically denying that Olruggio might have ever done anything wrong. In return, there is something defensive in Olruggio’s delivery during the “I’m angry that I wasn’t someone you could trust” segment: he walks away from Qifrey as he gives the non-apology, and it comes out sandwiched between criticisms of Qifrey for being reckless and a long speech of Olruggio praising himself, and how everything would be alright if only Qifrey behaved himself and relied on him more. It’s an issue that this old distribution of roles is so well-entrenched between them, with Olruggio as the golden student and Qifrey as the eternal problem child.

Qifrey’s exaggerated gentleness and praise towards Olruggio participates in the feeling of wrongness that weighs on chapter 40. The memory erasure scene is framed like a kiss, and Qifrey keeps complimenting him even after sending him into an unnatural sleep. It would come across as condescending and manipulative, except for how fervently Qifrey seems to want to believe that Olruggio is perfect, and that any dysfunction in their relationship has to come from him.

Qifrey, focused as he is on his own dark secrets, is utterly unwilling to see any darkness in Olruggio. It makes sense when you consider that Qifrey has also been absorbing the prejudices of the Great Hall: he thinks very little of himself, and has probably been looking up to Olruggio as a moral compass ever since Olruggio took him under his wing as a child. He must also comfort himself with the thought that, when/if his quest drags him away from the atelier, Olruggio will be a perfect teacher for the girls. Having to come to terms with Olruggio’s flaws must be terrifying to him. But what about Olruggio’s perspective in all this?

Olruggio is an example of how even those who materially benefit from an elitist, close-minded society are damaged by it in some way. He grew up in the Great Hall as a bright-eyed, idealistic genius, and even as an adult he clings to the principles of that society like a mantra: “bring the blessings of magic to the people”. He is successful and respected by his peers, popular with the nobles and well-liked among the commoners. Yet somewhere along the way he became a ragged, workaholic hermit.

I have mentioned in previous posts that I suspect Olruggio of grappling with his own, deep-seated fear of being unwanted and left behind. He betrays that fear in the way he is attacking Qifrey: his concerns about Qifrey’s treatment of Coco aren’t based on evidence, and underneath that veneer he is mostly complaining that Qifrey is neglecting him. “Be straight with me”, “Don’t lie to me”, “You wouldn’t even tell me about it”, “You took her as a student without a word to me first”. There again, Olruggio is being a bit hazy on how far his influence goes as Watchful Eye: from what we know, Watchful Eyes are meant to ensure that students don’t get mistreated, but they don’t get a say in who teaches whom: it’s the disciples who choose their masters. Olruggio grumbling about Qifrey adopting more and more children behind his back is cute when we treat them as a couple. But from the perspective of their professional relationship, Olruggio is claiming the right to veto Qifrey’s students and take them away from him without any evidence of abuse.

The problem is that Olruggio is very bad at expressing his feelings without using his job, and therefore his authority, as a crutch. It’s endearing when he uses it to explain away his gifts to the girls (“I just want them to test a prototype”) or his marks of affection and care (“Drying your hair so you don’t catch a cold is part of my duties as Watchful Eye!”). However, it adds a layer of threat to his arguments with Qifrey, because he is constantly dangling that authority over his head, even when he is urging Qifrey to trust him. In his more agitated moments, it turns into a one-man good-cop / bad-cop performance (“Step out of line and I’ll report you” / “Why won’t you confide in me? I’m your best friend!”). Sure, he is willing to side with Qifrey against the Knights Moralis when he deems it appropriate, but here’s the catch: Olruggio gets to decide where the line in the sand lies, and that line seems to shift depending on how hot his temper is flaring at any given time.

It’s no wonder their conversation lends them in a dead-end when it is so one-sided. Thourghout the manga, and in volume 8 in particular, the author explores the idea that help should be a collaborative effort between equals, that encourages both parties to grow and learn more about themselves. Trying to unilaterally “save” someone is almost guaranteed to miss the mark and come across as condescending; it might even cause further harm.

Help as a collaboration between equals

Therefore, Qifrey and Olruggio can’t really come to any connection unless they make it clear that they are helping each other, not just endlessly acting out their roles as the golden student who knows all the right answers, and the problem child who must be saved from himself.

Aside from the framing, help as an equivalent exchange is the other key difference between chapter 40 and Qifrey and Coco’s dialogue earlier in the volume. In order to counter Coco’s doubts and growing self-hatred, Qifrey reinforces everything he admires about Coco: from her social skills and capacity for teamwork to her practical skills and her straight lines. He reminds her of all the things that she achieved so far. He also strongly hints that her fight is his fight, too, and that they should hold onto hope for each other’s sake. Finally, he makes a (pretty dramatic, unnecessarily literal and definitely unsafe, but still awesome) leap of faith by letting her decide what direction she wants to take next. His support isn’t conditional on Coco making the “right” choice, but freely offered. In return, Coco makes a display of saving Qifrey as well, saying she wants him right by her side while she figures out her path. The rescue itself is symbolic (it would actually have been safer for Qifrey to go back on his own), but Qifrey’s gratitude is genuine, because Coco made him feel valued, irreplaceable, just as Beldaruit and Olruggio were making him doubt his place as a teacher.

By contrast, Olruggio’s speech of friendship contains a grand total of ONE compliment, served in such a back-handed way that it sounds almost like a warning: “To Coco, you are a good teacher, so don’t betray that trust”. This is weighted against a slurry of criticisms about Qifrey’s recklessness, and heaps of self-praise. Olruggio is making a case for why Qifrey needs help and why Olruggio is best-qualified to deliver that help, like he is making a sales pitch to a client. It’s probably not a coincidence that Olruggio is remembering his successful bout of diplomacy in chapter 39 as he gears himself for his conversation with Qifrey. Olruggio, look, I get that you have more faith in your professional persona than in your regular self, but you can’t talk to your best friend like you are doing customer service, it just doesn’t work that way.

The help that Olruggio offers leaves no room for Qifrey’s input: once Qifrey has confided everything and laid himself bare, Olruggio will pick apart “where he needs the help” and “when he is about to do something stupid”, and either support or stop him as he judges appropriate. It reinforces Qifrey’s inferiority complex and interiorised guilt, by implying that his moral compass can’t be trusted. It also places the blame for Qifrey’s rash actions solely on his lack of judgement, rather than on having to grapple with complex, life-threatening situations and being caught in a pincer between a terrorist group and an oppressive system. There’s no mention that the definition of what’s “lawful” and “responsible” and “just” has gotten a bit messed up lately, and that Olruggio himself has had to compromise with his duties to cover for the kids. Olruggio fakes confidence in his capacity to fix everything, and pretends that things can go back to the way they were, but it would have been more honest of him to ask Qifrey to work with him so they can form a united front to face their new, complex reality.

Instead, by claiming that he is helping Qifrey out of a sense of duty, as Watchful Eye and as a friend, Olruggio reinforces the feeling that Qifrey is a burden to him. This gives Qifrey more incentive to keep his friend away from his investigations, and to see himself as expendable. In that light, since their friendship brings Olruggio so much trouble and so few benefits, betraying him and stealing the memories that relate to Qifrey’s secrets start to look like the lesser evil.

The only way that the conversation in chapter 40 could have gone well is if they both freely admitted to needing each other. However, it is too early in Olruggio’s character arc to be honest about his own feelings and worries. And it is too early in Qifrey’s character arc to see past his own self-loathing and recognize that his “perfect” friend also needs support and guidance. Yet, when they do, it is hinted that Olruggio can draw inspiration from Qifrey, and help Qifrey in a more meaningful way by highlighting how Qifrey matters to him, letting them reach this stage of true collaboration.

What Olruggio wants from Qifrey

I think Olruggio is repressing a sense of disillusionment about his work, the fairness of the system, and his usefulness as a witch. We see glimpses of his anxiety in chapter 39 notably. While he says that his true role is to help the commoners, circumstances keep reminding him that like it or not, his main function is decorative. He gets dragged in on short notice to be yanked around by petty nobles and arrange light shows at weddings; he has to act in secret to help the destitute, and even then can only do so much before the rules of magic society get in his way. So far he manages to keep his head above water, using his talent for diplomacy and showmanship to keep the nobles appeased, and finding small, creative ways to help commoners without breaking any law. But it leaves him with the feeling of being trapped in an increasingly constraining role, and is slowly pushing him towards a burn out.

He seems to feel a kinship with princess Mia, who like him is used as a tool in petty squabbles between nobles. He even metaphorically puts himself in her shoes: after likening her situation to being trapped in the spotlight in a dance she doesn’t want, he applies the same metaphor to himself and his inability to act outside the narrow constraints of witch rules, of being constantly watched and judged. And then, adorably enough, Olruggio actually brings Qifrey into the metaphor. He muses that Qifrey, who has gone against established rules before, might be the key to escaping that dance.

For all that the “problem child” / “star student” dichotomy has been weighing on Olruggio and Qifrey and warping their friendship, there is a flip side to it as well. As a prodigy who always pressures himself to perform perfectly (to the point where he will work himself to a zombie-like state and then hide behind a mask to look perfect and pristine in front of his clients at parties, Olruggio no), Qifrey provides a chance at escapism. For all that he berates him for causing trouble, Olruggio seems to fondly remember their old adventures. It’s possible that he valued the opportunity to do rebellious, forbidden things without having to jeopardise his reputation. His fear of being left behind by Qifrey is then also a fear of losing his hope that, when the pressure of being the perfect witch becomes too much to bear, Qifrey will be there to break him free.

In summary, Olruggio wants Qifrey to be his rebellious prince who breaks him free from the ballroom, and we respect him for it. Qifrey had his reasons for not being able to confide in him, and they both have a lot of character development to do before they can reach a stage of actual collaboration and trust. But I don’t dispute that taking his memories was a dick move. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.