#inherently awful is not the way to handle it

[hadesknockedupintheunderworld]

"If you ship these characters together at all you've fundamentally misunderstood the plot of the story"

Bro I get this if like. It's a case where people genuinely are misunderstanding the story

But like bro you know shipping is inherently neutral and doesn't necessarily tell you anything about how someone interprets a piece of media, right?

You know that people who ship something don't always want the thing to be canon, right?

You know that people shipping something doesn't change canon

Right?

[rinmemesuoka]

*has been slamming through webtoons for three weeks voice* the villainess isekai fantasy of fixing your dad

[prismaticutie]

Okay I haven't gotten into CSM cuz I'm lazy as fawk and have a hard time getting into manga/anime but I am vaguely aware of it and the themes of it and can I just say. The way people are reacting to the new chapter is exactly how people react to real life victims of sexual assault. See lrb

[existingtm]

I think one of the reasons I'm absolutely insane about Jun Mochizuki's work is because she's the only person I've seen do a perfect execution of the "abused becomes the abuser" trope.

All of the characters in Pandora Heart and Vanitas no Carte are incredibly morally complex. They're heart wrenching, relatable, endearing, aggravating, and endlessly flawed.

MochiJun puts us in the uncomfortable position of confronting that victims can be perpetrators, that those who are hurt can hurt others, that sometimes, people you love are bad, and sometimes you love bad people.

Abuse is never justified; it's handled by different characters in a variety of ways. It's repressed, reciprocated, passed on, and stopped. MochiJun shows victims become awful people, not inherently because they were abused, but because of who they are as people and how that shapes the way they deal with abuse.

She shows victims as the complex people they are beyond victimhood. There are characters who are just and kind after facing abuse, and ones who are twisted and cruel. Most delightfully, she brings us characters who are both.

The heroes of her stories choose love, gentleness, compassion, and mercy. She shows that our choices matter, that our relationships are integral to who we are.

I think of how some of the characters, in spite of these forgiving traits, are not required to forgive their abusers in order to be seen as virtuous figures. They're allowed to stand their ground, even if it's violent to do so.

I think of how, at the same time, some characters are loved despite being abusive, because a tender character sees more in them than evil. Because abuse comes from people, and people are endlessly complex.

I think of how the heroes of the story tear themselves apart for the violence they inflict, and are shown the most painful love in return. How that love often comes in the form of calling them out on their bullshit.

I love the love in Pandora Hearts and in Vanitas no Carte because it's painfully human in the face of horrors beyond mortal comprehension.

I love the flaws in the characters because they're painfully human despite some of these characters' otherworldly natures.

Jun Mochizuki doesn't show us the abused becoming abusers to give us the idea that abuse is an unstoppable cycle, but rather to show that it is stoppable. To show that people have a choice in who they become. And that's one of the most wonderful and terrible things about people.

[ohnohelpitsagain]

so, not to be insane about it on main again but a bard’s lament is one of my favorite episodes and i really think it’s gonna happen this season so i’m just gonna get into it again.

so, i like things that are emotional and messy and difficult because they can be incredibly human. and a bard’s lament is one of these things! however, i also think there’s, a lot of times, a sort of inherent misunderstanding about what is actually happening there. and to be fair, i think it’s totally natural to misunderstand on instinct and that’s kind of the point.

it’s easy to get caught up in what scanlan’s saying because sam delivers it all so well, but i think what gets missed a lot is why scanlan is actually saying it.

i think most people’s instinct is to say “oh it was vox machina’s fault for being bad friends, they reacted poorly” and “oh it was scanlan’s fault for only ever lying or joking when they questioned him” but the thing about situations like this is that both things can absolutely be true. no one won in a bard’s lament because no one ever wins in a situation like that.

scanlan was in a situation where he says most of what he says because he’s in an absolutely awful place mentally. everything has been building up and has lead to this exact moment and it was a perfect storm of across the board miscommunication and emotions and confusion. he says things that he knows will hurt the others because he’s angry and embarrassed and deeply depressed and the safe thing for him to do in that moment, in his head, is to push everyone away.

and yeah, vox machina react somewhat poorly to his outburst but at the same time why wouldn’t they! they were terrified they were going to lose their friend and now they also feel extraordinarily shitty and guilty and they’re faced with a reaction that none of them have the tools to handle. depression is an extraordinarily powerful and immensely illogical force sometimes, so yeah! scanlan said stuff about situations that he was interpreting in the WORST possible way and yeah the group didn’t know where to put that. so it’s not really about them not knowing his mother’s name. and it’s not even fully about the pudding or the prank. it’s about how it, to him, reiterates what he feels about himself. that he’s embarrassing and useless and no one really cares about him. BUT THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT SUCH AN INSANE PIECE OF RP!

because logically, of course they care about scanlan even if they aren’t perfect at showing it. there are MULTITUDES of examples of that! but scanlan doesn’t care about scanlan right then. and not much can get through that level of self loathing in that moment.

[commsroom]

this is a sensitive topic for me, so i really hate that i have to make this post, but unfortunately it keeps becoming relevant: stop infantilizing hera, and stop making excuses for it.

"well, she's literally four years old" she's been fully conscious with an adult mind for most of that, awake for most of that, and in multiple places at once for most of that. do you think that is comparable to a child's life experience, or is it maybe representative of something else?

i assume you understand why it would be wrong to call lovelace "literally two" because the fact that she is a clone is textually representative of the trauma she's been through. i also assume you understand why hera occasionally making flippant or frustrated comments about her own struggles living as an AI is different from the text telling you who she is or how you should regard her. it's science fiction, and it's a show that uses science fiction concepts in ways that resonate with real ones. the ultimate fact of the matter is that hera could've been in a lab for 30 years, or for 200 years, in a different setting, and be written the exact same way: as a sheltered, isolated adult woman without real life experiences.

hera is not a child or teenager in a natural stage of development. she is an adult who never went through the usual stages of development or life milestones, who has adult friendships and responsibilities, but who feels she is permanently ill-equipped to handle her life because no one ever taught her how, or gave her the space to make mistakes. if you don't understand why this distinction is important in discussing her trauma, that there are real, adult people who feel the same way, people who feel they've only been alive for four years, women who were never girls... then i really don't know what to say to you.

and i guess i have to say it: it's inherently infantilizing to say her peers see her the same way they see an actual child, or to say she needs them to be parental figures, especially eiffel of all people. "adult women have parents too" not ones that are 30 year old men! and parents have responsibilities to children, even adult children, that are different from the responsibilities two unrelated adults who care about each other have. it fundamentally reframes hera's most equal relationship in a way that diminishes her autonomy within it. (and if you're arguing it's all equal anyway, then what does it add? why don't you consider friendship as important?)

i know some people will dismiss that point because i view eiffel and hera romantically, but i've never argued you have to. if you want to go down that road, it says some pretty awful things about the couple of writers and actors who also view it romantically if you think she was meant to be viewed as a child, much less comparable to his child. you're inventing problems that don't canonically exist.

i just don't understand why you would make it about eiffel at all - and eiffel does not have the right to be a parent; the only thing that will heal his relationship with his real actual child is in relation to his real actual child - instead of discussing what a disabled, isolated, traumatized adult might be able to offer a disabled, traumatized kid. isn't the whole point of hera not being like pryce about breaking cycles? why make her a passive figure in her own story when her entire story arc is about taking control of her life?

there's no utility to this line of thought that doesn't further demean and alienate her, while implying she isn't ready to be a fully autonomous adult person. i don't think most people mean to be ableist, but hera is canonically a disabled woman, and i don't like where that line of thought leads. and yes, she's just a fictional character and can't be hurt by it, but everyone brings some real-world biases to how they engage with fiction. she's written as a marginalized adult person, and her womanhood is textually tied to defense of her personhood and autonomy (as well as a parallel to lovelace, also a marginalized woman.) to paraphrase minkowski - "you are going to show [that woman] some goddamned respect."

[your-highnessmarvel]

Clean Shaven

Requested by @the-kestrels-feather : Hi lovely! I saw your requests were open and thought I'd send one in! Can I get a fluffy Bucky x Reader where Reader shaves him? I'm a firm believer in the inherent intimacy of shaving someone and I have a need 😅 gender neutral!Reader would be preferred, but if you can't/aren't comfortable doing that then Fem!Reader is fine too! Thank you in advance 💕💕

AN: Aw this was the cutest thing ever! I had to do some research because I've never shaved a man before and i was told it was hella specific but turns out - it's not???

Warnings: none, mentions of blood

*gif not mine

MASTERLIST

"Sit still, will you?"

Bucky looked up at you, smiling from under his brows. "You're holding a razor blade to my neck, y/n," he said. "And you expect me not to move a little?"

You snorted, pressing more shaving cream onto his face, covering his mouth. "You're a hundred-year-old super spy, trained for decades to sustain any type of torture," you answered, dipping the razor into the warm water that filled the sink. "And you can't handle a little razor nick?"

Bucky, unable to open his mouth or he'd swallow shaving cream, just rolled his eyes, grumbling behind his closed lips.

"What's that, grumpy?" you asked sarcastically, inching your ear closer to his mouth.

Quickly, he inched closer until a swath of thick shaving cream transferred onto your ear and you squealed, rearing back. "Oh, you!"

You could see the smile in his eyes, even though the bottom half of his face and neck were slathered in white. He got that crinkle beside his baby blues, that unique look that told you he was just messing around.

And, oh, it had taken you so much time to see that look for the first time, back when you started dating.

"Do you want a shave or not?" you asked, wiping the cream from your hair, from your ear.

Bucky chuckled quietly and nodded.

"For the last time, stand still!"

You approached again, one hand poised on his metal shoulder, the other holding the razor and shaving his cheek and jaw with sharp precision.

This close to him, you could smell his cologne and that unique scent that was his alone.

"You smell so good," you mumbled, shaving around his mouth then dumping the razor into the sink water. You felt Bucky give you a slight tap on the bum and you giggled. "Let me finish shaving you, Buck," you chuckled, lifting his chin to get the underside, sliding along his adam's apple with a crooked grimace on your skin.

"Scared to draw some blood?" he asked, eyes cast to the ceiling, exposed mouth in a slight smile.

You gave him a look even though he couldn't see. "What makes you think I'm scared of blood?"

"That one time Tony got a paper cut and you had to leave the room."

You stood, hands on hips. "That was a really bad paper cut!"

Bucky chuckled, ducking his chin to his chest, shoulder jostling up and down.

You dumped the shaving-cream-full razor into the sink with an exaggerated sigh. "Don't move just yet, I haven't done the left side of your face."

You went to his left side, carefully shaving from his side burns down to his jaw, hearing the low scrape of the blade along his skin. It was satisfying, shaving him, watching the clean, smooth skin appear below the white cream.

You loved his stubble, but a clean shaven Bucky had a special place in your heart.

"You're cute when you're concentrated," Bucky mumbled, staring up at you with dazed eyes as you cleaned the blade.

Returning for the last stripe of white, you kissed the tip of his nose. "You're cute all the time," you answered in a high tone, shaving that last bit and standing back with a smile.

Bucky stood, admiring himself in the mirror. As he pulled a towel to wash his face, he looked at you in the mirror. "Making me look handsome, y/n," he said, winking when you caught his eye. You watched him clean the rest of the shaving cream left and apply his aftershave, loving the way he stretched out his neck, exposing his adam's apple.

You especially loved that tic he did; raising his brows, jutting his lower lip.

He helped you clean up, storing the blade and the shaving cream. Then he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you onto the counter, sitting you so you were eye-to-eye with him.

"Thank you, my love," he murmured, snuggling your neck, pulling you into a tight, warm hug.

[bloomeng]

I'm a little nervous to talk about this because the internet is truly the place where nuance goes to die but fuck it I'm going to do it anyway.

So misogyny in fan spaces. There's so much that can be said here, but I want to focus on a trend I've seen in fanfiction for years. This isn't a call out to anyone in particular or a fic that I read recently, it's just something I want to talk about.

There's a range in which I see misogyny displayed in fanfiction. The most subtle version is when a fic has a large cast, but despite this, the female characters just float in the background as accessories. Writing big casts is difficult and I understand that (it's part of the reason I tend not to like big casts) but despite this all the female characters will remain less developed than their male counterparts. The other version is they will exist only to advise or prop up a male character, which isn't to say that a female character can't play that role in a story. On an individual level, it's not an issue, but when it's the only role over and over it becomes an issue. My solution to handling big casts is to break them off at times into pairs/smaller groups and allow everyone to have their moment. It doesn't need to be perfectly balanced but even small moments could go a long way.

The next step up is literally ignoring them altogether. I understand not every character is going to feature in every story. Time and place and all that jazz. But it's telling when they're so clearly written out of a story for the sake of not addressing them. If we can cram in all these male character cameos we can do the same for the women. Personally I feel writing is stronger if you only include characters for a purpose beyond them just being there (and it would be two birds with one stone bc that would automatically allows for more depth), but this is fanfic that I'm discussing, where fan service rules everything.

The third trend and arguably the most egregious I refer to as the “Sakura Effect.” The Sakura Effect is when an author will include either a pre-existing female character or an original female character for the sole person of villainizing her to extreme proportions. It’s scary to me because as much as media can be misogynistic this is so much worse in my opinion. As fans I would hope we would be better but then I see characters flattened or created simply to be awful. And yet “no one” sees the issue in that.

I’ve seen authors go far as to say apologize in the notes about mischaracterizing female characters for the sake of the conflict. Like we’re so close to recognizing the issue yet so far. Also for some reason it’s socially acceptable to add character bashing tags to fics?? I see this the most with Naruto fics, but to this day I will never understand why people feel the need to establish how much they hate a female character in a fic that doesn’t even touch on them. Or they warn people that they made her evil bc they hate her??? Like ok so we’re recognizing the problem and doubling down. Cool.

I once saw someone create a female character for a fic who was described as ugly and with a ton of acne and a bunch of people called the author out for the description and its subsequent streotypes. The author responded by basically being like I hear you but I don’t care. But I was also concerned that no one else in the comments was concerned that the character was female as well.

I see this trend with people to make these super creepy stalker female characters as conflict for their mlm ships and it’s just like…. do we not see the inherent issue in this. We complain about the treatment of women in the source material and then we (fan culture) turn around and make arguably more offensive characters.

This is a fairly ranty non-nuance, doesn’t even touch on intersectionality, look at misogyny in fanfiction but that’s all I have the capacity to discuss today.

[spencewalterreid]

Preacher's Daughter: Masterlist

DISCLAIMER: If you've heard the album (or anything of hayden's, for that matter), you know there are DARK themes. I will put overall warnings under the cut so they don't take up so much space on the individual posts, but those pertaining to individual chapters will still be listed.

Secondary disclaimer. The (p) beside the pairing bit on each individual chapter stands for platonic. Spencer and Ethel are not now, nor will they be a couple at any point of the story. They're just co-characters!

Chapter one: Family Tree (Intro)

Deeply religious Ethel Cain grapples with her turbulent home life with the help of her best friend, Spencer Reid.

Chapter two: American Teenager

Ethel deals with the death of her father and her sexuality while Spencer grapples with how to address her crumbling mental health.

WARNINGS: Child predators, suicide, molestation, sexual scenes, sexualization of underage peoples (but never smut while they are underage), cigarettes/drugs/alcohol, STRONG religion/religious trauma, physical abuse (from a parental figure as well as others), death/funeral of a parent, abandonment, discussion of war, serial killers/murder, house parties, underage drinking, dubious consent, non-con (NOT condoning, promoting, or fetishizing), shoving during an argument, gore, self harm, overdose.

THE DOVE IS DEAD. DO NOT EAT IT.

Please note, this is an ongoing list and will be updated as the series goes on.

Every sensitive topic (child predators, rape, self harm/suicidal ideology, violence, etc) will be handled with the utmost respect, aside from through the main character (Ethel's) inner monologue. I say that because 1) she is an inherently unreliable narrator, and 2) has been groomed, indoctrinated, and abused her entire life. She may condone some of the things in the story, or romanticize them, or sexualize them, but that does not reflect my views as the author. I do NOT condone any of these things. Again, if you have heard the album or anything from the Ethel Cain collection, you are aware of the heavy topics. Same goes for Criminal Minds. Some stories are dark. That's the way it goes. As awful as it is, these things happen. Ethel Cain is fictional, but there are people in this world that have gone through similar things. These stories have a time and a place, and when they are told, they deserve respect.

With all that being said, if you decide to read this story, I hope you appreciate it.

All my love,

Bowie.

[redux-iterum]

So I’m curious about Goldenflower’s reaction! We’ve seen how aggressively she reacts when kits or young cats are put in danger (ie. Fireheart being left out alone). So I was surprised she allowed the ceremony to proceed. Is Bluestar’s failing mental health the reason why she didn’t react more strongly and shut that shit with Aspen/Ash/Cloud down? Also where do the clans draw the line in regards to someone like Bluestar when they’re not stable enough to really be held accountable, but they are putting other clanmates in danger through their actions?

There's a couple things going into this, so bear with me.

This whole situation is extremely difficult for everyone in a position of power, let alone the average warrior. Ideally - that is, how the Clans imagine stuff like this to go in stories - the leader can be disobeyed and disregarded by their followers, no questions asked, the instant they fuck up or do something dangerous. The matriarch has all the power over kits, the deputy can step in as the proper head of the Clan, the elders will be looked to and the seers have all of StarClan to give out judgements and commands. This is a sort of checks-and-balances type of society! It's going to be so easy to handle if it ever does happen!

Realistically, though, Clans are hardwired to obey their leaders above everyone else. It's why Brokenstar got away with everything for so long, it's why Tigerclaw would have been so much more dangerous if he'd gotten there, and it's what's allowing Bluestar to keep her position even though her mind is visibly failing. Leaders aren't untouchable, theoretically, but it is so very hard for a Clan to look at the cat who's so important to their society that they have an entirely unique suffix just to denote their rank and tell themselves "I refuse to honor them and do as they say", even if they have a good reason, or several. Even at this point, ThunderClan will obey their leader over their matriarch, and the matriarch will be forced to go along with this, not knowing what else can be legally done.

To disobey says so much about the warrior and the Clan as a whole: they made a mistake placing such massive responsibilities on this cat's shoulders, they have nowhere to put the demoted cat that will go smoothly, they're threatening the unity and structure of the Clan by shaking the very foundation of what they've grown up and lived with. It's so hard for a cat, let alone a warrior, to adjust to severe changes like that, especially ones that imply something at fault within themselves - which, inherently, following a bad leader for any length of time will shine a light on. Sometimes it's easier to keep silent - or, at the most, mutter complaints to your friend while doing nothing.

There's another aspect of this botched apprentice ceremony: the apprentices themselves. Changing from a kit to an apprentice is such an important, valuable, special thing for everyone; it's the biggest change in your life so far and it marks you as ready to serve your Clan and grow up to be someone great. To go through with the ceremony and then rip away that gift from cats so young and new to the world is a particularly cruel sort of disappointment, bordering on punishment in the eyes of that kit. Can you imagine being a grade schooler, about to enter middle school, and then being told you have to go back to kindergarten because someone else fucked up your paperwork? How awful would that be?

Speckletail made about as good of a call as she could in that moment, taking the apprentices' ages, their mentors and the Clans' culture into account. Let them be apprentices until they prove they're not ready, and if they aren't, they can go back to being a kit. This sort of solves the problem in a way - the apprentices will be eager to prove they can keep their -paw's and will work hard to do so, and if they fall behind...well, maybe they can just stay in camp for another month and then come right back to training with some experience already! It's not ideal, but it's the best Speckletail could do.

As for the final question... did you know that it was believed that planting an elder tree by your door would keep the devil away?

[the-rat-eatery]

Something that I think is so great about She-Ra is that it portrays selfishness as a good thing. So many stories about “chosen ones” and “saving the world” are presented as acts of selflessness; it’s the sacrifices that bring the world to peace. She-Ra isn’t like that. It isn’t without its sacrifices, we think of Angella and Mara and Shadow Weaver- but they aren’t the focus. Catra becomes more selfless over the course of the fifth season, but that’s just character development- not the thing that saves the world. 

Adora is a martyr. Obviously. The classic way for the story to handle this is to have her die in the finale- a death tragic but necessary. If she were to die there would no doubt be statues built in her honor, if she had died in the initial seasons then that death would surely be something that was presented as honorable- something to be avenged and be in awe of. But her inherent heroism, her selflessness, is repeatedly shown to be a bad thing for Adora- the person. Sure, the longevity of Adora’s She-Ra might have been expanded if she had given her life for the cause, the stories told in her wake more grand, a punchier ending to the tale, but Adora herself would have felt no benefit- she would have been a corpse. It is Catra, and Catra’s selfishness, that saves her. 

Catra is interesting in that way. We see her arc climax with an act of selflessness- her saving Glimmer in exchange for what she thought would be her life. But it ends with her being selfish, choosing to confess to Adora in the end, desperately asking her to stay- the only thing she ever wanted from her. It is want that saves them both in the end, want is an entirely selfish act. 

Adora’s selflessness is questioned throughout the fifth season by Catra, something that is taken as a given by everyone else in the rebellion. They were all expected to lay down their lives for the rebellion, but Adora was on the front lines. This isn’t even questioned by Bow and Glimmer, who stood back when Adora (without any discussion) was unanimously decided to be the one to take the failsafe. Yes, they didn’t know the repercussions then, but Adora was still the leader, and she was the one expected to take the responsibility. Catra’s selfishness, her not wanting to let Adora go is what brought Shadow Weaver’s deception to light. She wants, and that saves the person she is wanting. Want is lifesaving, want is a good thing. 

I like this because selfishness is good, actually. Selfishness is the thing love thrives on, it’s why living isn’t surviving. 

Selflessness is giving up what we want for someone else’s good. This is good in measure, I’m not saying that everyone should take everything that they want all the time- the world would be chaos. But selflessness can go too far, and we see this in She-Ra. Selflessness can wrap back over into selfishness when you’ve got too much of it- barreling over with giving and giving yourself to other people in a feeble attempt to avoid dealing with your own problems. But the selfishness of She-Ra is the selfishness that is required of love. It is confession. It is, instead of accepting death for the sake of all, fighting for the life you want. Wanting is such a human thing. Not even a human thing, it’s just a life thing. And that same wanting is chastised by the media. We aren’t supposed to want, especially if we’re gay; and if we do then the honorable, right thing to do is to give it up for the good of other people. She-Ra shows us the opposite. Selfishness saves the world and wanting is good. 

[poisonsage808]

Stolen Heart

warnings: kidnapping, swearing, injuries, vomit, panic attack

There’s a balance to having a heart in the Special Victims Unit, the same way a hammer can fix; it can damage just as badly. Working for the NYPD as long as he had, John thought he’d had a handle on his own… until he found himself in a dangerous situation because of it. 

“Munch,“ Cragen called not even half a step into the precinct, “My office. Immediately.”

Looking back, something should’ve tipped him off right then. Paranoid as he may be, he knew being called into the captain’s office wasn’t inherently a bad thing. However because he went way back with Cragen, he knew warning signs. The captain looked almost guilty, his eyes dropped to the floor the minute they met. 

“You piss off dad?” Finn teased.

He turned halfway, shrugging his arms out innocently, “I just walked through the door, I haven’t had time yet.”

The moment he faced the doorway, his smile and shoulders dropped. John knew he wasn’t in trouble but he also couldn’t shake his bones of the heavy weight of impending doom.

He closed the door just as Don was about to tell him to. 

“John, this is Agent Brienne Samson from the A.I.B.”

He forced his stiff limbs to offer a halfassed wave to the agent in the corner of the room. The auburn haired, raven looking woman nodded in greeting, smiling just as fake as he was. 

“Have I done something to put me under investigation by the great Internal Affairs Bureau?” He asked Cragen specifically so he could slip an excusable dose of sarcasm into the question.

“No, John. You should sit down.”

“I’ve known you a long time, Don.” He held up a finger to cut him off, waving his hand around accusingly as he paced the room cautiously. He was a detective, he knew how to get answers. “Did you know you never call me John unless you’re feeling particularly sentimental? Cut the mawkish crap and talk to me like a man, tergiversation gives me indigestion.” 

“Detective,” Agent Samson’s dry voice was filled with urgency, “Now's not the time.”

“No? Then when? ‘Cause now’s looking an awful lot like a character assassination only neither of you will pull the trigger. I know Lee Harvey Oswald didn’t act alone–”

“Munch, I need you to trust me.” Cragen huffed as he collected himself, brows furrowing in sincerity, “Shut the hell up and sit down for this.”

They held each other’s glare for too long, both waiting to see who would crack first. As well as John knew Don, Don knew John. Eventually, with much reluctance, John plopped into a chair before the captain’s desk. Arms crossed, his head lolled to the side dramatically. He looked every bit of an impatient, petulant child while he waited for the irksome mystery to be revealed.

Cragen then nodded to Samson who walked over and slapped a file down on the wood.

“Do you remember putting away a Saul Carter?”

He didn’t keep track of perps he put away anymore, he stored names of the victims he saved nowadays. There were two mug shots about twenty years apart, one was in black and white.  The man in the first photo was smiling almost victoriously, the second he wasn’t and his eyes were notably darker.

John did remember this freak. 

“Back in Baltimore, 1996. I busted him for robbery during a homicide investigation. He broke out of booking and murdered two families in the same neighborhood. He sent me love letters ‘till I retired, then nothin’.” He shrugged, “Thought he died.”

Just as Cragen opened his mouth, Samson interrupted, “Anything else you can remember?”

A beat of suspicion. Cragen sighed in defeat as soon as he saw the gears turning in John’s head. Questioning someone, gathering all the details you could before the panic sets in. He’d done it plenty of times himself.

His attention shot to his captain, “What’s this about, Captain.”

Cragen hesitated and that minuscule detail had the already ringing alarm bell shrieking in his ears. 

His soul left his body when heard your name. John had to hear it though, or he would’ve never believed it. His stomach lurched and white dots began obscuring his vision. Up and out of the chair, he began pacing, eerily quiet and terrifyingly calm. One foot in front of the other, he was only half hearing the information he was being told.

“He hasn’t done anything yet. He called twenty minutes ago—“

John completely stopped listening there, his body jerking to a halt. 

“Twenty minutes? Twenty?” That just couldn’t be right. Twenty minutes ago he had dropped you off at work like he always did, got out of the car to open your door and walked you up to the building. He had told you he loved you, said goodbye, then you pulled him back for a quick peck on the lips. “That’s— No. No! Twenty minutes ago I was there, Don! He’s lying. If they were in danger, I’d know.”

“Detective, we've already confirmed that he’s not lying.” Samson was irritatingly placating, hands out in surrender as if he was a ticking time bomb, as if he was the one with a gun. “We already have video footage and statements from multiple witnesses.”

“Let me see.”

“I don’t advise that. You’re not privy to any information right now. You’re being told as a courtesy, but I’m here to remind you; you’re a liability. You and your fellow detectives cause a mountain of paperwork for my department every time a situation becomes even slightly personal.”

“I’m not asking you.” John breathed out, taking his glare to his captain. His eyes softened, doing the begging his mouth couldn’t. 

Cragen has a good head on his shoulders, but an even better heart. He knows in a situation like this how impossible it is to turn off that detective switch. Despite that, and knowing what he should and shouldn’t be revealing, he gestures behind his desk anyways. 

“Captain Cragen!“ Samson calls out sternly.

“I’m having him confirm the identity of the suspect.” 

John is beside him in two great sweeps of his long legs, watching the blurry video with a hand over his mouth.

The timestamp is engraved in his brain, 6:30, exactly when he brought you to work. John memorizes the way you smile when he says he loves you and how giddy you are snatching his tie, pulling him back for a kiss. You’re at his height for a change, standing on the steps of the building entrance.

“You leave, he goes in.” 

Suddenly, out of the camera’s view, a hooded figure rushes up those same steps the second he drives away. He can see blasts from a gun going off reflecting in the window, then Carter walking out very closely behind you. There’s almost a relief that he can’t see your face, that he can’t see how scared you must be.

“He shot two people, they’re both in the hospital. We followed the street cams all the way to the subway, then we lost him.”

“We? Who’s—“ John cuts himself off, his eyes jumping to the open blinds on the door. “You can’t.”

Samson quirked a brow at his response, judging him like she had any right to. “That is not up to you, detective.” 

“I know what you’re feeling right now—“

“With all due respect, captain, I highly fucking doubt that.”

“—but Benson and Stabler are your best options, Munch! Would you rather some strangers handle this!?”

“Yes!” Munch slams his hands down on the desk, wishing it would sting but he can’t feel it, “If something… If I lose… I wouldn’t move on, Cap. I wouldn’t let this go and I might hate them for it. Please, you can’t do this.”

Cragen’s hand is a heavy weight on his shoulder that does little to ground him. Before he can bestow any wisdom, Samson is interrupting with logic.

“Like it or not, Detective Munch, thanks to you this,” she points to the computer, “is now a case for the SVU and will be treated as if it was any other.”

His fingers curled into tight fists that trembled against the wood as her venomous words seeped into his skin and made him feel filthy with guilt.

“Thanks to–” He scoffs, shaking his head and sneering, “Thanks to me? Are you blaming me for this!? You think I wanted someone to–”

“Agent Samson, that’s enough! Let me have a word with my detective in private.”

Cragen leaves no room to protest, he bullies her out of the room and shuts the door swiftly behind her. Whipping around, he shoves a finger in John’s direction with an expression he can’t read in his current state, but it almost looks as if he’s holding up a mirror. 

“Now you listen to me and you listen good; nothing is gonna happen. But you need to sit tight while they do their jobs. The I.A.B. preemptively,” the word is filled with venom, “sent her to confiscate your badge and gun for the time being and I’ve been ordered to confine you. So, you are to stay in this building until I leave— and I am not leaving until we get them back. Are we understood?”

John swallowed thickly, he didn't trust his voice. 

He nods. 

~

The worst part was always the unknown. He hated mysteries. He hated secrets. He hated cliffhangers. He hated open endings. He /hated the unknown. Sitting there, stewing in the dark made him sick to his stomach with the need for violence. He wanted to hit something, do something, feel something. But all he could do was wait. 

“Munch!”

He thought he knew, it’s the living victims that rip your guts out, that’s what he said. Those were only guts, though, as painful as it was, it didn’t compare to someone reaching into his chest and clawing out the very thing he needed to exist. Without his heart, he felt like a very different man.

“Man, stop!” Finn pleaded, and Finn was never one to sound so desperate. 

He tried focusing on what he knew; he knew this whole fucking situation like the back of his hand, only now he was knee deep on the other side of it, and sinking fast. He was temporarily suspended— that much was clear— and worse, he was treated like any loved one in a missing persons case. 

Fin grabbed his shoulder and forced him to a crashing stop, “Just hold up!” 

His fists trembled at his sides, his breathing erratic.

“Contrary to everyone’s belief, I’m not trying to get myself fired or killed. I’m just goin’ to the bathroom. I don’t need a babysitter for that, do I?”

“Cut the crap, Munch. Say what you wanna say, I can take it.” 

Logically, he knew none of his friends deserved his wrath. 

Rage didn’t follow logic, though. John could count on one hand all the times he felt like this and he was disgusted by it every time. Fin’s intentions, no matter how kind hearted they were, couldn’t get through to him. He’d say something he would later regret.

He pressed his lips together tightly and shook his head.

“Just leave me alone.” 

“I can’t do that, man. You’re my partner. I don’t care what I.A.B. says about you not bein’ able to keep your cool,” Fin slapped a hand on John’s chest and he heard crinkling between the man’s palm and his shirt, “I always got your back.” 

He tapped Fin’s hand gratefully, using his thumb to slip the paper out and into his pocket. 

“I’m around… if you feel like talkin’.” 

“Noted… Thanks, Fin.”

Hiding in the bathroom stall like he was back in highschool, he damn near ripped the paper trying to peel it open. Benson and Stabler tracked you and Carter to Baltimore. That was a three hour bus ride. If he had anything in his stomach it would’ve gone straight into the porcelain bowl, he was nauseas all over again. 

Now he had to deal with the knowledge he swore he wanted. Bitterly dropping the paper into the toilet and flushing it away, he almost wished he didn’t read it. He didn’t deserve to cry but the tears fell anyway. His back hit the stall door and he sank to his knees, hiding his face in his hands like when he was a boy. The guilt was eating him alive from the inside out and the only thing that stopped him from letting it happen was the unknown. 

You were alive, but were you ok?

~

“He’s going to goad you for a reaction,” Huang explained tentatively, though he was more than aware John knew that already, “Saul Carter has exhibited signs of obsession, but he’s manic and impulsive. Tell him everything he wants to hear but don’t allow him to know he’s gotten to you.” 

“Any advice on how to do that.” John asked dryly.

The piss poor excuse of a rejected abomination that took you reached out again, wanted a friendly chat with him. When Samson initially denied the idea, Fin and Cragen shared a look that said they wanted to toss her out the window. Beautiful, silver bullet tongue Casey and her overpriced Harvard Law degree managed to convince the agent otherwise. She promised Huang would coach John on what to say, (what not to say) what to do, (what not to do) and sit in on the call.

Huang gave him a reassuring, albeit hesitant, smile, “You do it all the time. Say what you need to and nothing more. If he gives you an opening to reveal his location; take it.” 

The phone rings. 

“That’s him.” Cragen states, nodding to him, “Take it.”

Moving too fast to hide how jittery his hands are, he picks up the phone and hits the speaker button.

“You wanted me, you got me.” He greets in monotone. 

“Detective Munch.” The way he said it had his hackles raised. “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this. I gotta say, I’m a little disappointed. I was sure you’d be lookin’ for me when I busted out but I guess I’m not as special as sweetheart here. You knew when they went missing but not me, huh?”

Huang must’ve seen his eye twitch because he mouths ‘no reaction’. There’s movement on the other end. Managing to relax his white knuckle grip on the phone, he pushes his glasses up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“I don’t keep up with Baltimore’s local news or I would’ve been hot on your trail.” 

Though John tried to play into the criminal’s desire for attention, Carter seemed… upset to hear this. He groaned and hit the phone against something a couple times. Huang’s eyes were narrowed at the phone, like he was trying to solve a puzzle without the picture. 

“Not gonna ask how they are? Don’t you care?”

John sneered, baring his teeth to the man who couldn’t see it. Every spare second he has, morning, noon and night, you’re all he thinks about. At the end of every day, when he’s holding you in his arms, he prays for every night to end like that. Does he care? How could he not. Eyes wide and all knowing, Huang shook his head.

“Of course I do.” He said through grit teeth.

Wincing at the sound of crazed laughter, he knew what was going on now. Carter didn’t want his attention, he just wanted to inflict pain. 

“You wanna say hi? Got ‘em a lil’ tied up at the moment but,”

There was a audible rip, a muffled whimper, then, 

 “John?” 

All at once everyone in the room takes a breath upon hearing your voice and steals the air, leaving none for him. You sound disoriented, his name a plea from your lips and it’s torture for him not to come when summoned. Still, he can feel the cavity in his chest aching with hope just from hearing your voice again.

“I’m here.” He keeps his tone flat but tries, for you, to sound softer, “I’m right here. Are you ok?”

“I’m—” 

The sound of a slap had his head spinning. He saw Fin wince and glare at the wall, and Huang tried to keep pity from his eyes as he warily looked at John.  

“You don’t get answers, detective. Since you’re too good to come and finish what you started and get them yourself, remember?” 

John’s eyes flit to Huang who rolls his wrist in agreement.

“Give me an address and I’ll be there, Carter. We can end this, you and I.”

“Ah, what the hell, you can come get me for old time’s sake. You got a pen? I’ll tell you where to go but,” his empty laugh is nails on a chalkboard, “I think we’ll have a repeat of last time.”

Huang is scribbling down the address while Fin rushes out of the room, dialing on his phone. The thunderous bang sends his chair flying backwards as he jumps to his feet. It’s horribly abrupt, everyone’s eyes go wide with horror and they’re betrayed by their duties to continue on as you screech in pain. He’s the only one whose world crashes to a stop and threatens to implode.

“Get that address to Stabler and Benson now. Where the hell did Tutuola go—“

There’s ringing in his ears like he was right next to the barrel, but it’s just the dead phone line. His trembling hand drops the receiver as if it’s a smoking gun and he hadn’t meant to pull the trigger. 

”John!” Cragen bellows, chasing after him. 

He didn’t know he was moving but he couldn’t stop. Not now. The end was near and he couldn’t outrun it if he stopped. 

“John!” 

That was Fin this time, it was hard to hear him over the heavy hand he had on the horn. Pulling his car up on the sidewalk, his partner reached over and shoved the passenger door open. 

He didn’t need instructions for what that meant. 

~

Two hours and twenty four minutes of agony rounded up to a fateful three. The drive was tense and mostly silent. He didn’t have a phone to answer, stupidly leaving it behind with his confiscated badge and gun, but Fin’s was blowing up every twenty minutes. He got an earful from Cragen, warnings from Novak and Huang, more scoldings from Cragen before he stopped answering them. Fin did him a hell of a favor by biting his tongue when John asked if he could go any faster, like it would make Baltimore any closer than it was eight miles ago.

He had to know. 

His mind was infected with a disease ridden double edged sword and the cure was knowledge. 

It was a cruel gamble and his chips were down, but his hand was forced to play. Obviously if you were alive nothing else mattered, no question would ever leave his tongue dry this way ever again– he thirsted to know you were alive. He could fix everything he fucked up if he only could see you were alive, everything would be ok if you were alive. 

Isn’t this exactly why he wanted to remain in limbo? The moment he begins to be hopeful, planning to take time off to take care of you, deal out his apologies, already mentally filling out paperwork for the inevitable desk duty he’d receive– the sword dug into his brain and threatened to kill him with the image of your dead body. What would any of it matter if you weren’t there? Colors would die, tastes would be ash, smells and songs would be burnt rubber from car crashes. The mortal globe he stood on would crumble to nothingness and leave him a shell of a man… but he would be a coward if he didn’t see it through to the bitter end.

Either way, he had to know. 

~

He shouldered through the barricades of double doors, ran too fast in the stretching hallways and rushed right into a woman he almost didn’t recognise amongst the river of blurry faces. Unsure of what he knew and what his intentions were, Olivia held her hands out to catch him, possibly pacify him.

“Munch, just–”

“I can’t wait anymore, Olivia.” He shook his head.

His sincerity didn’t shock her, he’d been honest with her before, the fear lingering in his voice did. She closed her lips, brows pulling together but he couldn’t read her expression. Turning him around, she ushered him to room 217. Leaning besides the door with his arms crossed was Eliot, who straightened upon seeing Munch. Olivia opened the door for him, reassuring him where they’d be if he needed them then promptly closed him in the dark room.

How many times had he been in a hospital before this? For interrogations, for friends, for himself. Nothing could prepare him for a moment like this. His hand trembled as it closed around the curtain but he didn’t hesitate to pull it back.

His legs buckled and threatened to betray him.

You were alive.

The sight shouldn’t have been comforting but it was. Your left shoulder was bandaged for a gunshot wound, arm hung in a blue sling. There was a stitched up gash at your hairline and your lip was busted. He counted seven bruises that he could see and didn’t doubt there was more under that thin hospital blanket. But you were alive. You’d just gone through hell and you sounded indisputably relieved to see the man that put you there, so much so you smiled weakly at him.

“John!”

Tears welled up in his eyes. He never thought he’d hear your voice again, that he’d have to cling to the memory of your agonizing scream. Relief flooded through him and brought him to his knees beside your bed. Gingerly, he took your hand in his own that couldn’t stop shaking. John kissed your knuckles, blotched with red and purple.

“God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should’ve never let this happen, I’m so sorry.”

He repeated the words until they came out a broken sob.

You stole your hand out of his grip and rested it on his cheek so tenderly his heart ached. Patiently you let him weep at your side but smothered his tears with your thumb and a stern look, like you couldn’t stand them. Pulling your hand back, he followed as you guided his face to yours and blessed him with a soft kiss.

“John,” you hissed sweetly against his lips, “this wasn’t your fault.”

He shook his head, stumbling over the script he had written in his mind all day, “I–”

“Don’t punish yourself for this, I hear you’re in enough trouble. This isn’t on you, ok?”

Against his will he swallowed his guilt down deep for another day. He’d do anything you asked. You smiled again when you saw him sober from his shame, just as satisfied as he was for the moment. John’s hand crept to the nape of your neck as he climbed up and leaned over the bed to hug you. Immediately melting into his warmth, you held onto him as best you could with one arm. 

Sniffling despite feeling safer than ever, you whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you too. I’m so relieved you’re ok, sweetheart.. I was goin’ crazy.” The sigh that left him was brutal, taking out all the weight and anxiety he’d been holding in all day. Placing a kiss to your head, he could smell the sterilized antibacterial wipes mixed in with your shampoo. He was grateful for both, it was better than the alternative. “I love you so much.”

[fantasylover145]

Eddie is a terrible partner that is the plain hard truth!! He is a wonderful human being, a loving father and a fantastic friend and firefighter but he is genuinely a terrible partner. He treated Shannon like shit when they were married, I know he was young & terrified & they both made horrible mistakes in that marriage. But even when she came back into his life & when "they were working on things" he never asked a single personal question about her or asked about how she was handling her grief or how her mother was doing if she was even still alive (because they never fucking mentioned it and we can only assume she's fucking dead). Shannon was only a "wife" and a "mother" to Eddie, she left to get her identity back, to be a fucking person again as well as to take care of her sick mother but when she got back with him it was never really about her at all. Eddie doesn't get to know these women from what we can tell. Even now Eddie isn't remembering the woman she actually was but idealising a version of her he made up in his head. Of course, he is wondering about all the "what ifs" and what could of been, he loved her deeply but he isn't treating Shannon and her memory with the respect she deserves because he is ignoring the person she actually was when she died. Moreover, with Ana he was grieving Shannon & dealing with his PTSD from being shot so it is understandable he made mistakes, but he still strung Ana along for months and months. And with Marisol, he barely knew anything about her, had her move in after hardly months of dating, allowed her to be waaay to involved in his son's life and allowed them to be alone together multiple times in a single week and then cheated on her. We didn't see him apologise and even afterwards hardly even actually saw him feel guilty for how he treated these women not only Marisol but Ana too. Eddie keeps fast-tracking his relationships only to backtrack when they get "too serious".

It isn't just that he isn't falling in love with these women, because yes you can have relationships with people and a little while down the line realise you aren't or can't fall in love with them, even if you are attracted to them. It's how he is purposely allowing them into a mother/wife role in his life way way too quickly, never truly being in it and allowing his son to get attached. Ultimately, by Eddie following these inherently sexist traditional values that his parents cultivated he gets to the point where these women are hardly even people anymore to him but props in his life.  Like even Lena who he didn't even get with, their entire friendship was about him. So so many of the relationships he has with women outside of the 118 are entirely about him, his relationship with his wife was about him, his friendship with Lena was about him, Marisol, Ana, even Pepa and Abuela were only important in the show when it was centred around him. The writers need to be fucking better.

Buck has been a terrible partner it's not just Eddie, he was pretty awful to Taylor not only when he cheated on her and moved her in and essentially trapped her. But he wasn't in the right headspace at all to be in a relationship so it was a definitely unbalanced relationship. Most of that relationship was about him not about both of them like it should be. Taylor immediately became a side character when they got together and was there for sex or to comfort him, even though there was one ep about Buck supporting her and about her past, they lost so much chemistry because she wasn't really a person anymore at some parts of season 5. Buck has shown misogynistic tendencies as well especially in season 1 and I don't mean him sleeping around because there is nothing inherently sexist about it, but his comments about Valentines Day and stuff like that were. Buck also never actually takes the time to evaluate what he wants in a partner and just goes to the next available person even though I think he genuinely likes and wants to be with them, the writers treat all his love interests like they are disposable. Take how Lucy was treated as soon as she served her purpose to "stir drama" they threw her away as if she was nothing, he didn't apologise to Lucy about kissing her when he was in a relationship or anything too. Lucy also had ten years of experience as a firefighter and even though I can understand Buck's insecurity and desire to prove himself, he still comes across as a bitter sexist asshole a little bit when he was talking about how he should be Interim Captain not her even though she is waay more qualified. I can understand not wanting an outsider to be Interim Captain but to suggest he was better was just ridiculous.

Even Bobby has had his misogynistic moments with how he treats Athena sometimes and his comments. Like how when Athena went back to work after she was attacked which was HER choice, he instead of talking to her and communicating decided to sympathise with a drunk driver who purposely got on the road and almost killed her own child and then kept it a secret from his wife. I don't think Bobby thinks he can control Athena or her decisions but throwing that in her face as if that was in anyway equal and acting as if he should have a say is fucking stupid, when he could of had a conversation with her but instead decided to be petty and tried to belittle her and make her feel bad about a decision SHE MADE ABOUT HER OWN LIFE. Bobby has also made small comments here and there which can also be seen as sexist even when it might not be his intention.

But the difference between Eddie and how he treats women compared to Bobby and Buck is that Buck and Bobby have actually managed to have healthy romantic relationships with women and treat them like human beings, whereas so far Eddie has not.

I think out of literally all the male main characters only Chim has not shown much if any misogynistic tendencies. The way the writers write these male characters is misogynistic even with them having incredible relationships with female characters and showing love and support with them. They treat almost all the women in Eddie's life as if they are not even human, but caretakers. And then with Buck while his relationships with women have been much much better, showcases their personalities a lot more and they are actually three dimensional human beings much more than Eddie's love interests, they are still incredibly disposable. Even if Buck doesn't see them as such, he just moves from the relationship to relationship. That's not to say that Eddie is somehow a worse person than Buck and Bobby that's just to say that Eddie needs to cultivate relationships with women in his romantic life that are more balanced and aren't entirely about him and his son. If the writers do not make Eddie queer, how he approaches the women in his life outside of the 118 and in his romantic life is something he needs to focus on. Eddie definitely is still unlearning all the bullshit he grew up with, which does take a lot of time. But even if they get Eddie into a relationship with Buck and say he is gay that does not excuse his behaviour and it would somehow almost give him an excuse to have no self reflection on how he has treated the women in his life. Especially when Josh basically said that Tommy treating Abby like shit and even now continuing to make shitty comments about her is excusable because Buck doesn't understand what it was like for him. I'm not trying to say I am not sympathetic to fellow queer people who suffered from comphet and were in straight relationships at all. But you don't get an excuse to be a shitty person to other people, it may be an explanation but it doesn't excuse it. But especially with Tommy and how he currently thinks and talks about the woman he was engaged to. Also, Buck has been there for Eddie way way more than Eddie has been there for Buck, so while I don't think Eddie would ever treat Buck as if he is not a human being just a caretaker, I do feel like the relationship had been vastly unequal in terms of emotional labour in just their friendship. Therefore, if they do get together even though Eddie would be a much better partner, I still feel like he would have to unlearn the toxic views he grew up with. Otherwise Eddie is just going to continue with the same patterns. It's also so funny how Eddie treats Buck and Shannon in such similar ways.

Furthermore, when the love interests are actually fucking people, fans may actually fucking ship the main characters with them who knew?! Eddie doesn't have to be "fixed" or "perfect" to be in a relationship, he doesn't have to get over his grief or trauma but he needs to learn how to be an actual fucking partner and treat his girlfriend's/partners like people with thoughts and feelings.

All of your favourite characters are subject to criticism and 3/4 of the main male characters are or have been misogynistic. Just because you fucking love them doesn't mean that they are infallible. The actors and writers have done incredible jobs with building and developing these characters but that means that unfortunately these characters have traits that we don't want to admit are there. I know these are fictional characters but the way these characters treat women is a reflection of how men are in the real world. Women are not only there to serve men and are not disposable.

[come-away-with-me87]

The Art of Love Chapter 18

Chapter 17 here

******

Shouta arrived at your house promptly at 7:00pm, which made you smile.  Despite his busy schedule, you were happy that he always tried to make time for you.  You opened the door to Shouta holding a bouquet of flowers, which he held out as soon as you opened the door.  "Shouta, these are beautiful," you said to him while giving him a kiss on the cheek.  You invited him inside, and started looking for a vase to put your gorgeous new flower decor in.  "Please, have a seat. I know I have a vase here somewhere."  While you searched, Shouta took a seat on your couch, making himself at home.  You looked over at him and had nothing but pleasant thoughts, mostly thinking about how you could get used to him being around like this, hanging out on the couch after a long day of work.

You finally found a vase and put the flowers in it, then went over to the couch to sit next to him.  You took a deep breath, mentally and physically preparing yourself for this conversation.  While you had those pleasant thoughts just moments ago, you needed to face reality: this could end up being a tough conversation.  Still, you were willing to hear him out; he deserved that much, especially after the way you reacted the prior evening.  You looked into his eyes.  They were slightly less red and swollen than earlier, and that made you smile at him.  Finally, you took his big hand in yours and said, "go ahead, Shouta. I'm just going to listen, not react. I promise."

Shouta looked back at you, and started telling his story, looking down at his lap.  "Y/N, this isn't easy for me by any means.  But...when we were apart, I started seeing another woman...Anya...who you saw at my door last night."  You felt your heart skip a beat at this statement, but nevertheless, you squeezed his hand, nonverbally telling him to continue.  "I need you to understand, I...I tried my best to be strong and not wear my emotions on my face, but the fact of the matter is...I was devastated when you broke things off with me. You are one of the best things to ever happen to me, and the thought of not being with you, it just...it just broke me."  He paused for a moment, and you took the opportunity to reflect.  You had no idea that he felt as strongly for you as you did for him.  You had no idea that you had this effect on him.

As if he was reading your thoughts, Shouta's eyes quickly darted up to yours, then he looked down again.  He continued, "Yamada saw how miserable I was, and he wanted to set me up with a friend of his...to try and get over losing you.  So I said yes, desperate for any distraction.  He set us up on a blind date, and things went well enough that I continued to see her for a few weeks."  You felt your heart drop, but you remained silent, letting him continue.  "That is, at least, until you messaged me asking if we could talk."  You looked up at him when he said this, thinking about his words.  "When you messaged me, I had my first glimmer of hope that I had in weeks."  

He continued, "I am not proud of what I'm about to say. Not proud at all."  You still remained silent, but gently gave his hand a squeeze in encouragement, letting him know he could continue.  He gave you a small smile in response.  "Again, not proud. But I more or less stopped talking to her the moment you messaged me."  You looked at him in bewilderment, suddenly feeling slightly sorry for Anya.  However, you remained true to your words at the beginning of the conversation, and remained silent.  "I know that sounds awful, Y/N. Looking back, I was a complete ass for doing that to another person. I really hope you don't think less of me."  You could never think less of him, though.  Sure, he did not handle the situation with Anya well, but you knew that, inherently, he was not a bad person.

"Shouta, I could never think less of you. Although, I hope that you have spoken with Anya in the meantime, and have apologized to her. At the very least, she deserves that," you finally stated.  You decided to not tell him about your encounter with Anya last night in the parking lot.  There would be no point, and it wouldn't change anything.  He immediately replied, "I figured I owed her a face-to-face apology, so I met up with her today on my lunch break, and apologized profusely for the way I handled the situation."  You gave him a small smile at this in return, and looked down at your lap, and decided that this was your opportunity to not be silent.  "Shouta, if I may interrupt for a moment, this is important to me. I have to ask...did you sleep with her while we were apart?"  His eyes quickly darted up to yours, and he immediately replied with a stern no.  "I was never interested in...that with her. Even though you and I weren't together, I still felt like it would have been cheating. I just couldn't do it. She didn't want to accept my apology," he continued, "but I made my stance clear today. I told her I was in love with someone else."

This time, your eyes darted to his, asking him to repeat what he just said, not believing you heard him correctly.  He gave you a devilish grin, "I told her I was in love with someone else.  I'm in love with you, Y/N.  I have been for some time now, but I didn't want to say anything too soon, especially if you didn't return my feeli-"  You stopped him mid-sentence by jumping into his arms on the couch, feverishly kissing him.  You finally broke away from the kiss, voice thick with tears, "Shouta, you silly man, of course I feel the same way. I'm in love with you. My plan was to tell you last night, but then...well, you know..." you trailed off.  "Really?!"  You giggled at his response and playfully slapped him on the shoulder, "yes, I love you."  Shouta smiled the first real smile you have ever seen; it made your heart swell.

"Shouta, I'm so happy. I never thought I would love anyone again after Kento, but you made it so easy for me to trust you and fall for you. You've completely captured my heart," you said to him, returning his smile.  "You're the first woman I've ever loved, Y/N. It was effortless falling in love with you, especially after seeing the way you made Eri smile and come out of her shell more."  You clasped Shouta's hands in yours, "this may not be necessary for me to say, but I love Eri, too. If we're going to be in each other's lives, then that also includes Eri."  In response to what you said, Shouta looked at you with so much love in his eyes.  For the first time in years, your heart felt genuinely full and happy.

******

To be continued...

******

Tag list: @lili-pond ; @jaguarthecat ; @big-denki-energy ; @ivydoesit23 ; @salientseraph ; @dreamofkaty ; @simp-hub ; @bluebreadenthusiast ; @fuzzyfestcat

[ohwolfling]

How do you think gale would handle protecting his students from mystra or if he even can do you think the professor ending really is the best path for him would he leave the profession once he realizes he can't do anything

I do not think the professor pathway is a good fit for Gale. I don't think it's a long term thing.

I'll start by linking you to an ask about Gale reckoning with the trauma of Mystra where I discuss Professor Dekarios being an incredibly triggering experience, especially considering that Gale never confronts even Elminster the Enabler [a title I give with extreme derision].

here is a photo so this doesn't get lost in several asks in a row

I think that in a bigger sense there's nothing Gale can do. Every origin character in Baldur's Gate 3 is dealing with the duality of personal AND systemic abuse. The closest anyone gets to a TRUE end to this are Lae'zel and Astarion. For Lae'zel, that means rebellion and revolution, which means literal war. Astarion can kill Cazador and begin to make amends for the harm he caused, which hopefully has a path to peace, but we don't really know that and he's still a vampire and to many a pariah. So, fitting the narrative, Gale reckons with the wounds that he has shaped into ambition but Mystra wins.

The awful truth is that there were many boys before Gale (and I'm sure girls used in different ways), there will be boys after Gale. Even if Gale is unwilling to funnel promising students to Mystra, even if he doesn't go out looking for children who can be exploited for that purpose in the academic system, even if he doesn't respond to discoveries in a Mystra-first way, even if he finds a new deity to serve and channel, Mystra is still out there and Elminster is proof that for those who do not get intervention a la illithid, enabling seems like a natural or even needed part of that gig.

I would be VERY INTERESTED in exploring a schism at the Blackstaff Academy. That's the only way I can see Gale remaining an instructor. He and a few other colleagues have enough and it causes a division that basically invents like... Montessori Wizard academy or maybe a place of magical learning that encourages multiclassing and a sort of share in deities type vibe. But of course Chosens, academia, other religious practice, all of those things ARE inherently political. So I believe it would be very ugly in every plane.

[arcaneconfessions]

a lot of the arcane fandom is actually so bad at handling criticism towards their favourite show. Like you say you don’t like something about it and they’re on your ASSSSS. Coming from someone who loved s1, we are genuinely so god awful at handling criticism, and some of us will literally bend over backwards to do the most insane mental gymnastics to defend and justify the weird, questionable, and downright nonsensical writing decisions made by the team. I think it’s better now that the dust has settled and the hype has died down a little and we aren’t being bombed by spectacle after spectacle so we can look at it more objectively now, but I feel like a lot of the fandom is still blinded by the quality of season 1 that they refuse to listen to any criticism towards s2 whatsoever and continue to insist this is the best show ever.

and look man, I get it. I have a deep emotional attachment to this show too and it can genuinely hurt when someone criticises something you cherish so strongly, but you’ve gotta learn to just . scroll past. Freedom of speech means freedom to criticise. And criticism doesn’t always inherently mean “you’re not allowed to like xyz anymore because I said so”, yet so many people take it that way, when there was really no condemnation of one’s interests to begin with, only a suggestion of critical thought and analysis, or even just someone articulating their feelings. 

This fandom is so childish sometimes, and I’d like to say that maybe it’s because the fandom is full of children in some parts, but even then that isn’t always true, which is even more baffling and frustrating to me.

(edit: reading this back I’ve realised that this could also not only apply to the reception of season 2, but also how defensive people get over their fav characters and ships as well. That’s a whole can of worms though, that while some areas have gen good points about each other, has only devolved into mindless parroting of previous arguments and thoughtless rage. TLDR. I am so tired. Jesus Christ. I’m sorry you had to read through all of this mod vi you are doing god’s work running this page btw)

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