#And if you managed to read till the end I congratulate you!!

[vlrspace]

in which bakugou waits years till you finally come around

cw: reader is a bit of a grudge holder and has trouble to see bakugou in a different light, mention of injuries, there is a (1) very heated moment towards the end - MDNI!!! -, bakugou is soft towards reader the whole time, a bit angsty but there is comfort

wc: 9.5K

an: this is quite clumsy and there might be errors. i hope you all are doing well!! <333

bakugou knew you ever since the two of you were babies.

he was nearly a year older than you and he always made sure you knew that and it worked, while the two of you were younger. you always looked at him with stars in your eyes, drinking in every word he said, followed him around and let him take your hand. he didn’t understand back then why you started to distance yourself from him, he had a strong quirk and he could already read, so why were you more interested in that quirkless nobody?

his superiority complex and the need to be better than everyone didn’t help the situation either. he started to bully midoriya and when you kept sticking up for the damn nerd, he truly felt like he lost. the breaking point between the two of you was when he told midoriya to jump off a building so he might get a quirk in his next life. he never seen you so angry before that. you didn’t talk to him afterwards, not even after he got attacked by a villain, you only praised midoriya for helping him. not even when all the three of you got accepted into ua until the usj attack.

bakugou managed to save you from a villain that was trying to stab his knife through your chest, thankfully just in time he blasted the bastard away. you guys didn’t have the chance to talk, too busy to save your other classmates and you ran off to see midoriya again after he got injured at the end of the fight. later that night, you did drop by with some mochi from your favourite bakery and quietly thanking him for jumping in and not letting you die. he only mumbled a quiet ‘your welcome’ before you swiftly made your way out of the bakugou’s gates.

——

he always wanted to show you how strong he was, that he can protect you from anything that life throws at any moment, deku didn’t even have a quirk until it randomly appeared (he often wondered if you knew about it, were you hiding it together?) and now he seems to surpass him in everything. could he protect you better from the world than bakugou would ever be able to?

then the sports festival came around, you were all over deku again, congratulating him when he won the first round with a hug and at the back of his mind he wished it was him that you hugged. when he won the festival (he thought he didn’t deserve it with how half n half fainted), he hoped that you’d say something to him too. you didn’t say anything to him and he tried not letting it get to him. however, later that night he received a message from you, congratulating him on his win and he was glad no one saw him because his face felt like he was on fire. that made him so proud of himself, maybe you two will get along again?

——

you still don’t talk to him though, even when you needed help with some subject around midterms, you only asked deku again and that smart girl to help you. if you would’ve looked at him with your bright eyes, you would’ve seen how eager he would’ve been tutoring you and not shitty hair. when midterms pass and you both pass, he feels relieved that you’re coming to the training camp as well without any supplementary classes needed. he didn’t think at the time that the fact he got kidnapped will be the first time you come around and hug him in years.

you came to help them a second too late, only seeing him being warped away and telling deku to not follow him. you rushed to help deku after seeing his arms, trying to ignore the fact that bakugou just got kidnapped. when kirishima decided to take control and you guys should go and save him, you went along. you didn’t hate him, but you didn’t know where you two stand after all the things he did to your best friend in the past ten years. so when you saw him surrounded by villains before iida, midoriya and kirishima flew him out to safety, you felt relieved. yes, you don’t know where the two of you stand but you still care for him. you can also tell he looked surprised when your group reunited to watch all might’s last fight but you offered him a small smile after seeing there were no injuries on his body.

ua closed its gates three days prior to bakugou’s rescue and it remained closed for another week to become a boarding school with dorms. after further discussions between parents and teachers to ensure the safety of students, everything returned to normal.

two days before moving in, the bakugou’s bell was rung, and bakugou mitsuki was the one to answer the door. to say she was surprised to see the (h/c) coloured girl stand shyly in-front of their house was an understatement. mitsuki might be older, her son might think she’s a nagging old hag but she wasn’t stupid. the silent fallout between you and her son is still up in the air but she could never hold a grudge against you, she knows her son could be an outright asshole. mitsuki really believed that if god is real, then there is hope for the two of you to get along again.

“good afternoon sweet girl, long time no see, how have you been?” her warm smile instantly put you under ease and you gave her a timid smile of your own.

“good afternoon mitsuki, i’m doing alright, thank you. is katsuki home?” you quietly ask after you politely answer her question and the older woman can barely hide her smile widening at the fact that you still call her son by his first name. maybe things aren’t that bad anymore.

“yes, he is. the police advised for him to not go outside till school starts again. would you like to come in?” she moves to stand aside, but you shake your head at her invitation.

“no, no i just wanted to talk to him, if that’s okay” you look down to avoid her eyes that is the exact resemblance of her sons, well katsuki is the exact replica of mitsuki. she won’t push you to come in, so she yells loudly like usual for her son to come downstairs because someone is here to see him. when she turns towards you again is when she sees the plastic bag that you’re holding, seemingly full of things that looked like katsuki’s favourites. that made her feel warmth spread through her chest, you still remember what he likes.

“what is it old hag? can’t you just tell ‘em to-“ katsuki stops in the middle of his yelling when he reaches the front door, only to see you standing there. “hey” he stops next to his mum, his voice recognisably softer, which his mum would tease about but she decides against it, it’s not time for that yet.

“hey” you mumble, curling into your hoodie from the two pair of eyes (why do they look the exact same, it’s scary) staring at you. before bakugou could yell at his mum again to back off, mitsuki slips away after telling the two of you that she’ll see what masaru is up to. the both of you are grateful for that. after a few minutes of quietly standing you find the courage to talk to the ash blonde boy in front of you “i bought you a few things, i hope you’re doing okay with all the things that happened” you don’t look up to him instead you watch your fingers fiddle with your hoodie.

bakugou on the hand is focused on your head, waiting for you eyes to meet his, before gathering his thoughts. he’s slightly taken aback that you came to see him, even if it’s only because he got kidnapped but it means a lot to bakugou that you came to check up on him. “i’m good, heroes need to be tough and get though anythin’ that’s thrown at ‘em” he shrugged, wanting to come off cool and ignore how fast his heart was beating.

without saying another word, you gently wrap your arms around his middle and bury your face into his sturdy chest, fearing he might slip away again. bakugou’s eyes widen at the contact, suddenly not knowing what to do with his hands before clumsily circle them around your shoulders and pull you closer to him. he rest his chin on the crown of your head, noting to himself that you smell like strawberries and peaches and hopes you can’t feel his heart rate quicken (you did, your heart was beating fast too). after a while you pulled away, giving him a small smile before extending your hand with the plastic bag towards him. “i got you a few things, i hope they will cheer you up from all the trouble that you’ve experienced”

he takes it from you, feeling the blush on his cheeks spread. “thanks” he whispers and he hoped you know that he’s grateful for your hug too. before he could ask if you want to come in you slowly start to back off towards the road.

“i’ll see you in school katsuki, be good” your smile never faltered and you gave him a small wave. bakugou felt like maybe things were starting to change between the two of you for good as he muttered a “you too” after you and walked inside after you disappeared from his sight.

mitsuki, who’s been watching the two of you the whole time from one of the windows smiled to herself, maybe there was hope after all.

——

from them on, your interaction with bakugou increased by a bit, now you greet him around campus whenever you see him, but no more than that. bakugou longed to make conversations with you about literally anything, yet he didn’t force himself on you, happy either way.

after a week or too, you didn’t miss the way bakugou treated izuku before walking away, you know he said something to make the green haired boy stand there with slightly wide eyes. when the ash blonde was out of earshot, you walked up to izuku to make sure he’s alright. when you reached him, he motioned for you two to go outside and when you two walked through the doors, you both sat down on the stairs.

“i think he knows about ofa” izuku mumbled nervously, hands twitching in his lap as he stared ahead. “i mean it was expected, kacchan is very smart and-“ izuku went on his own train of thoughts and you gently grabbed one of his hand.

“it was inevitable either way, katsuki won’t tell a soul either way, we both know he’s not the type” you reassure your best friend, giving him a small smile.

“i know, he’ll probably get mad though haha” izuku lets out a forced laugh and you just move your hand to rub his back.

what you didn’t expect the next morning was that you’d find both boys wrapped in bandages and in a pretty beat up state. well if you had to guess, you were sure with katsuki, that the conversation between them would never had been just sitting next one other and discuss what’s on your mind. you were even more surprised when izuku told you that they are both in house arrest for a few days and have to clean the building. aizawa sensei did not go easy on them with the punishments.

bakugou only looked at the two of you while waiting for everyone to leave for classes, wishing you’d come up to him as well, but he decided to talk to you tonight about his conversation with midoriya and you were quite surprised later that afternoon when he walked up to you, asking if you two could talk somewhere private. you only nodded and followed him up to his room.

when you two reached your destination, he let you in first and you looked around his room since this is your first time here and it was very bakugou like and you swear you saw a few all might figurines and were those romance novels? you didn’t have much time to think about when he cleared his throat from his spot on the bed where he seemingly sat down while you were looking around.

“you knew about it, didn’t you?” he quietly asked, looking directly in your eyes with an unreadable emotion. you looked right back at him, thinking of the right answer, but he continued. “you always favoured that damn nerd” he added somewhat bitterly while looking away from you.

“it’s not about favouring anyone katsuki” his heart quickens when he hears you calling him by his first name “and it wasn’t my place to tell you about the inheritance of one for all.” he knows you’re right with the slight sharpness in your tone. “i found it out by accident too if it calms your nerves. i know him like the back of my hand so i knew something was up when he suddenly couldn’t spend time with me. so i followed him and saw him with all might, then there was no point in hiding it” you shrugged but your soft gaze remained on him.

bakugou decided to not try and argue with you, not wanting to lose the small amount of involvement you two built up. so he only nodded while standing up and walked you back down the common room without any other words being exchanged. you were kind of expecting him to go off on you but you didn’t want to talk about it any further, this is izuku’s business not yours, you’re just happy that he was given a chance to prove himself to be a hero.

——

the two of you go back to how things were before your conversation and soon enough winter approaches. after the matches with 1B, bakugou walked up to you while you were walking back to the dorms. you were talking with uraraka about todays events when he brushed his hand against your back with such gentleness that you thought it was one of the girls. when you turned around you abruptly stop and look at him, eyes round with wonder.

“can i talk to you for a second?” his rough voice makes it hard to understand his words at first with how quiet his voice is and you turn towards ochaco, who looked at the both of you with curiosity.

“i’ll meet you back at the dorms” you flash her a smile and she walks away from the two of with a nod. “is everything okay?” you ask bakugou as the two of you walk in a comfortable pace.

“i just, i wanted to tell you that you did great today” he slowly said while looking ahead. “i uh, i think your new move is quite cool” he added, feeling the redness spread across his cheeks.

“you think? it took me a while to get it right but i’m so happy that i was able to use it just like how i planned” you explain to him how you put the whole move together and all of his attention was on you, drinking your words in. this is probably the first time you talked this much to him since your childhood. “you know, i’m glad you’re becoming a team player” you add at the end and he knew you meant that he involved his team in his plans instead of just fighting on his own.

“yeah, as long as they follow what i say, anyone with me will win” he smirked as the two of you reached the dorm building, you turn towards him with a smile and he feels like he made a small accomplishment with you.

——

the next time the two of you have this amount of conversation is when when he wakes up from his coma after pushing izuku out of the way before shigaraki could hit him. you knew the two have been training together more recently after izuku manifested a second quirk during the training fight against class 1B and then thanks to todoroki, they both were able to do their hero work studies at endeavour’s agency where all three of them improved drastically. you were lucky enough to land a position at mirko’s agency where you learned a few new skills yourself. then bakugou accompanied izuku back to shigaraki to fight along and protect him, which resulted in him getting seriously injured.

you were waiting for izuku to wake up when you heard him stomping against the cold tile floor, shouting that izuku needs to wake up. your heart swells at the fact that he’s worried for your childhood friend, yet you were also worried for him, so without thinking you jump up and stop him abruptly when you gently hug him. you didn’t want to hurt his wound on his lower stomach nor the one on his shoulder so you pulled away soon after and that was enough time for the others to pick him up and take him back to bed and you followed them.

the rest of your friends walked out of the room the second you stepped in and closed the door behind them. you took a seat on his bed, right next to his hand and you took it in yours. you held it delicately, your tender caressing putting him at ease as you moved it into your lap. your uniform’s skirt slid up a little bit so his naturally warm hand was touching your bare thigh and he tried his best not blush at the contact. he was waiting for you to talk first when he felt something wet drop on his hand, so when he heard you sniffle, he instantly felt alarmed. he moved his hand up from your lap to cradle your face and turn you towards him. no words were needed as he pulled your shaking body towards his, engulfing you in a hug while stroking your back and face while hiding his face in your hair (if only the two of you knew back then that no less than two months later you’ll be in the same position with even more emotions).

——

the first time bakugou saw you truly angry with the deku was when he decided to leave you all behind, only leaving letters to explain how he’s putting everyone in more danger if he stays in one place.

“it’s not all for one who will kill him, i will, he should be more scared of me” you pave back and forth in the common rooms where everyone is gathered to find a way to get izuku back. “what is he thinking, does he think he can take them on without any back up? the second i see him, i will end him for real” your rant is not taken seriously by anyone, they were sharing your opinion but maybe they weren’t to as aggressive about it (izuku later admitted that he was indeed scared of your wrath and offered you a limited edition figurine of all might, which you refused to accept).

no one heard of him for a while now and none of you could sit around any longer and hope for a miracle. so when you all managed to get endeavour to meet with principal nezu in his office and find out where he was currently at, you all feel somewhat relived, now all you had to was bring him back.

you all reached the mall after saving him from the villain dictator, though he still put up a fight, thinking that no matter what, he’ll be better off alone. everyone told izuku something that influenced them thanks to him but he still didn’t listen. it was hard to look at him, all beat up and tired and you wonder when was the last time he had a proper meal and a good nights sleep. he only stopped hopping around, when bakugou started to talk to him and apologise for how he treated him all those years. your eyes felt glossy when bakugou rushed towards izuku’s fainting body.

——

you and bakugou didn’t talk much since then, too focused on training for the war. the two of talked again when you reached your temporary dormitory the day before luring all for one to you. a knock was heard on your door around 8pm and you wondered who it was. bakugou stood there, now changed out of his hero costume and only wore his usual comfy outfit. you let him in right away and you both sit on your bed. his fingers linger on your arm first before he slides his hand into yours, lacing your fingers together.

“you better not die out there (y/n)” the use of your name makes it sound more sincere and serious, the gentleness of his voice makes your heart flutter. you squeeze his hand as you grin up at him and lean your head against his shoulder.

“you better not die out there either katsuki” you add quietly, the both of you sitting on the edge of your bed in silence.

if only the two of you knew back then.

——

everything is blurry when you open your eyes, the lights are too bright and you swiftly close your eyes with a wince, suddenly aware of the amount scars you must’ve suffered from the war. your mind feels hazy as you try to find your bearings again. how long have you been out for? how is everyone doing?

you don’t even bother to sit up so just lay there with staring up at the ceiling, you’re alone in the room, maybe your injuries were too severe and as fast as you possibly can, you check if you still have your limbs attached to you. your left leg is hang up, seeming broken while the other one is only bandaged up. your arms aren’t broken, only a few of your fingers and out of the blue you remember taking a hit with your right shoulder. you don’t even want to think about the state your chest must be in. you rest your head on your pillow again as you force yourself to remember.

you remember winning, that’s for sure.

you also remember hitting your head so hard you barely managed to continue on fighting and that kind of answers why you have a hard time getting flashbacks. you’re so deep in thought that you don’t even notice someone walking in.

“oh my god shoji, she’s awake! go and get a doctor” you recognise jiro’s voice before you see her and you turn towards her direction. “you’re the last one to wake up, we were so worried!” she rushes to your side, her tone is full of worry.

“so i had been out for a while huh” you wish you could tell her that your ears are acting funny but you don’t have the heart to say anything when you see one of hers wrapped up, meaning her quirk is damaged. you are barely acknowledging how the door of your room is getting more busy, when a doctor walks in with a nurse.

“miss (l/n), you spent nearly two weeks in coma. although from those severe injuries you collected during the war needed time to heal.” then the doctor goes on about fractures, broken bones and you have a concussion as well. you only hummed in response as you stared up the ceiling again. according to the nurse, your bandages are holding up nicely and so are the machines around you but told you that she’ll be back in a few hours to check up on you.

once they leave your room, your family is the first one to come in. your mum sits down right away, next to your bed and you see her eyes are red, probably from crying all day and night, hoping you wake up soon, but she smiles at you with so much care you feel your eyes water. your dad is sitting down on your other side, his whole face looks relaxed now that you’re awake. you listen to them as the kindly scold you but they reassure you how proud they are of you for being so brave. your mum even told you that’ll she cook your favourite dish tomorrow and bring it in for you. they left two hours later, but your room became more busy after that.

your friends crowded around your bed, all feeling relief that finally you’re awake too. they are all bandaged up, but the happiness on their faces made you feel better. they all filled you in on their own journey with the hospital. when izuku walked in through the door, they all said their goodbyes and get well soons, promising to visit you tomorrow.

izuku was in no better state than you, needing a crutch to walk around. a wide smile is stretching on his face, as he looks at you and you return it.

“the hero of our future, how are you?” your voice is still rough from not using it in a while.

“it’s only because everyone helped me taking down all for one and shigaraki, we did it together. besides i’m feeling so much now that my best friend is awake.” he replies with fondness in his voice.

“who would’ve thought three years ago that we’d be here today like this” you let out a soft snicker.

“i’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me, ever since we were kids” izuku tears up and you would wipe his tears for him if you could move your fingers. “kacchan is outside, you two should talk as well” he adds with a gentle tone and you only nod.

you remember him getting a deadly shot.

as izuku walks out, kirishima rolls bakugou in, he’s body in a wheelchair. he isn’t as moody as he usually is and his face looks so tender when he finally looks at you. when kirishima left, he leaps out of the chair and slowly sits next to you, just like you did two months ago. you wish you could feel his touch around your hand when he gently grabs it and when the two of you finally look at each other, your tears are unstoppable. he lefts your hand up to cradle his cheeks, seeking your comfort while sniffling and you don’t think you’ve ever seen him like this. no words are said this time around either, the both of you happy to be around the other.

——

it will take japan a long time to get back on track after the destruction, the war had caused. everyone is still experiencing the aftermath, but things are looking bright.

you’re reading an article about another city being successfully built up again as you walk towards your classroom. your third year only started two months ago, the pressure of graduating and becoming an actual, full time hero is somewhat taking a tool on all of you. however some of your classmates know how to bring the fun in during stressful times.

“y’all, barbecue night tomorrow, how does that sound?” mina loudly asks as she looks around the room and everyone gets rather excited about the idea, excitedly chatting with each other. you walk towards izuku, to show him the article on your phone, knowing he still feels like he was the cause of the war, so news like this reassure him somewhat, that no one blames him. he leans down to read it and he excitedly rambles to you that half of japan had been rebuilt already with some help from overseas. the two of you continue talking until aizawa sensei walks in tiredly as always and the chatter among the class dissolves and everyone sits down to their desks.

the rest of the day goes by uneventful, everyone is preparing to blow some steam off during the weekend. bakugou comfortably sits on one of the sofa’s with legs spread, his arms is resting on the headrest as he lazily scrolls through his phone. it wasn’t his turn to make dinner tonight either and kirishima is away training with a few others. bakugou prefers to train early in the morning so he doesn’t have to listen to the nagging of his friends about not spending enough time with them in the afternoons.

he feels someone plop down next to him and when he turns his head at the person who interrupted his rather ‘productive’ time, he stops the shout bubbling in his throat when he sees your bright (e/c) eyes staring at him. his features visibly soften as he takes in your face, he knows you came back from training and just got out of the showers, your usual scent of strawberry and peaches fills his nostrils and your hair still damp. you’re dressed comfortably, wearing shorts and a baggy shirt and you’re eating a granola bar.

your relationship with bakugou hadn’t changed much since the war ended apart from the two of you talking much more than before. your second year was hectic, the war caused difficulties for everyone, the two of you didn’t really have that much time to be around each other, either way the both of you are happy that the two of you are working your way towards a blossoming, strong friendship. bakugou’s behaviour changed since his first year, he matured and learned to keep his anger under control, mainly around you. he’s also larger than before, his tank top barely hiding the bulging muscles or the baggy pants are barely loose around the thick of his thighs. bakugou looks much more grown up as well, sometimes sporting a stubble and his hair is more tamed at the top with a visible undercut and easily towers over people.

it’s not just him though, you’ve grown into a beautiful young lady as well. you’re hair is longer than it used to be, you lost your baby face and gained sharpness to your cheeks and your curves are more defined. kindness always radiates from your form whenever you’re around and (to bakugou’s dismay) admirers found their way to you, but you politely rejected their advances.

“dinner’s ready soon, so don’t stuff yourself full off that” he gently scolds you and your lips curl up in a smile as you take another bite.

“i know katsu, but it was yelling my name! how could i just leave it there?” you giggle as you fake a pout and you lean more into the sofas cushions with your side and bakugou shakes his head, but a small grin finds its way to his lips. the two of you engage in a small talk about how kaminari electrified sero by mistake, make the poor boy push against a passing midoriya, resulting the both roll around the floor.

during your conversation with the blonde, more people started to make their way into the common room and soon enough dinner was ready too. bakugou helps you stand up from the couch as he extends his hand for you to take and pulls you up tenderly and you’re pressed against his for a second before you thanked him with a smile for helping you and left to join uraraka at one of the tables (he wished you’d sit with him).

the next day, the height alliance was echoing of laughter, the atmosphere was welcoming as 3B joined your class for the night. there are a few games planned, like mario kart, uno and other board games, the playlist jiro put together was playing on the speakers. you were standing next to uraraka as you listened to some of the girls talking about a new boy band that recently came out but you often found your attention slip away and your eyes involuntarily found bakugou every now and then. he was sitting on one of the couches, seemingly in a conversation with a few others. everyone is wearing causal clothes instead of the comfy joggers and shorts and you have to admit, bakugou looks very hot in his black jeans and his simple black shirt. it doesn’t mean that bakugou doesn’t sit like he usually is, his thighs are spread but this time his hands in his pockets.

you never really focused on your romantic feelings towards anyone, you might be a late boomer for that, but even if you and bakugou had a fallout, for some reason it was always obvious that you had some sort of feelings for him. he was the very first friend you made, of course he’ll have a special place in your heart, even so the way he treated midoriya during your middle school years, barely giving him a chance to have a somewhat normal childhood set you off. for a long time back then, you weren’t sure if there was any way of the two of you becoming friends again, but he kept proving himself from time to time that he isn’t the same as he was back then.

the realisation of your feelings was around the time when uraraka and midoriya got together. uraraka shyly asked you one day, if there was anything going on between you and midoriya and you knew of the brown haired girl’s crush on you best friend and at first you weren’t sure what to say to her. you never thought of midoriya that way, you two were more like siblings rather than lovers materials and in the best way possible, you tried to explain that to uraraka. unbeknownst to her, you also knew about midoriya’s crush on uraraka and you helped to set the two up together. the three of you were walking around campus, the couple were holding hands and when you looked at their laced fingers, bakugou popped into your head with a warm feeling and how nice it would be to hold his. you abruptly stopped at the thought of him in that way and you start to shake your head, making the couple walking with you to slow down and you watch at you with a concerned look.

“what’s wrong (y/n)?” midoriya’s voices reaches you and you stop shaking your head. when you turn to look at them, your eyes wide and your face is flushed red. uraraka opens her mouth to talk but you’re faster.

“i think i might have feelings for katsuki” you whisper, hoping the two catched what you said. midoriya’s face looks more calm than a second ago and uraraka’s lips are stretched in a wide grin. “okay, let’s go! do not tell a soul or bring it up again!” you quicken up your pace and start walking ahead of the couple and after a snicker they follow after.

“we should play truth or dare!” mina’s voice brings you out of your rather embarrassing memory and you see everyone moving towards the sofa’s. there is many of you so the chance of you getting picked is low, so you make your way where everyone is gathering. you make eye contact with jiro when you’re looking around for an empty space and she’s flashing a small smile, patting the seat next to her and you beam at her for offering.

when everyone is settled, the game begins. at first it starts out innocent, with a few easy questions like ��what’s your most embarrassing story?’ or ‘worst date’, but after a while the boys start to feel risky with the dares and suddenly there are faces covered in lipstick marks, izuku had to shout ‘i’m here’ from the rooftop and so on. things were light till mina turned to bakugou.

“truth or dare, mr. grumpy pants?” she smirks at him, eyes glinting in slight mischief and that’s never good.

“raccoon eyes, i’m not even fucking playing” bakugou shouts at the pinkette, making her smirk widen.

“are you scared?” she taunted.

“i’m not! truth” he mumbled the last word.

“do you have a crush on anyone kacchan?” kaminari leans in before mina could ask him the same question before quickly pulling away so he’s face doesn’t get blown off.

“what’s it to you? i do, whatever. now leave me the hell alone” bakugou growls while standing up and retreats to his room before anyone could get more information out of him. kirishima smiled knowingly after him and made eye contact with you, which made you furrow your eyebrows. so bakugou likes someone, she must be pretty lucky then, you think, trying to not let the sadness be apparent on your face.

the rest of the night went by, despite the bomb bakugou dropped on everyone about having a crush, the bakusquad started to make plans to get the ash blonde tell them who it was. later, around 2am, everyone decided to wrap the party up, thanking for 3B for joining you all and you’ll clean up the mess in the morning, too tired to get it done this late.

you take in a huge breath when you step into your room, relieved to finally be alone. it’s not like, you hate being around your friends, but sometimes this amount of people make you feel overwhelmed. you also can’t stop thinking about bakugou, your heart too loud to hear your thoughts and you wish so badly to be able to sleep right now and not feeling this ache of wanting him, knowing he probably wants somebody else.

——

the next few weeks are all the same, packed with tests, training, homework and the excitement for the training camp bubbling in your stomach. although, all of the stress leaves you in a second when you pass all of your tests and pack for the camp. you’ve been thinking about bakugou more and more and you managed to avoid him for your own sake. the uncertainty of having a chance with him made you feel nervous being around him, like you aren’t delusional, it would be weird if he actually thought of you that way since your fallout and all. you also don’t want to lose the friendship the two of you managed to build up again, so you’d rather stand aside and watch him be happy with someone else than losing him.

with thoughts like that, it was hard to get a decent amount sleep, you woke up quite groggy and moody the next morning. you took your time to get ready, coaxing (trying) yourself into a happier mood before anyone realises that something is off. you aren’t in the mood to explain yourself to anyone and you’re more than grateful for midoriya and uraraka for not bothering you about the whole thing you admitted to them.

a knock interrupted your thought process and you loudly asked the person on the other side to wait a second before opening the door, you were in the middle of dressing up in your uniform. bakugou was leaning against the door when you opened the door, watching you fumble with your tie and he quietly scoffed to himself before gently pulling your hands away and helped you. the sudden shock of seeing him caused you to freeze up at first but you let your hands fall down next to your sides while staring ahead of you.

“there dumbass” he rasps, the morning voice is still evident, making your brain hazy. “do you need help with your luggage? the bus just pulled up and we are putting our shit in” his voice is low as he slowly talks, wanting you to look up at him with your pretty hues, however your eyes remained on his shirt.

“that would be nice, thank you” you don’t look at him, instead you’re making your way back inside your room, then pull a large suitcase towards him.

bakugou picks it up without effort, vermilion eyes still trained on your figure “oi, are you okay?” his voice is now gentle compared to his usual harsh tone, stepping closer to you and you don’t move.

“yeah, i just didn’t sleep well last” you mumble out. “but it’s okay, i’ll just sleep on the bus” you force a smile on your face and before he could call you out on barely sleeping, you swiftly turn around to get your backpack and close your door. “let’s go, we’ll be late” you grab his arm and make your way down to the others. once you walk out of the building, you let go of bakugou’s arm and quietly walked towards the others.

bakugou won’t admit it, but he liked the warmth of your hand on his arm. although lately he feels like you’ve been pulling away from him, had he upset you somehow? bakugou doesn’t even want to think about the two of you falling out again, he knows he won’t be able to take it and that will tear his tough exterior down, he can’t let neither happen. bakugou decided the second the bus left and kirishima sat down next to him that during the one week of training camp, he will talk to you about his feelings, even if he knows that you won’t reciprocate them.

the ride towards the destination where your training camp will take place is three hours away from the school. uraraka asked you if it’s okay for her to sit with midoriya, to which you gave her a reassuring smile with a small nod. tsu takes a seat next to you a few minutes later, asking if you’re doing alright and you just put your head on her shoulder while mumbling about how tired you feel. you don’t even realise how you fell asleep till you feel tsu gently nudging you to wake up because you arrived. you don’t feel any less tired nonetheless, the aching feelings never leave. the boys help you girls with your suitcases when you step down from the bus and you all walk inside the large house you’ll be staying at.

this time, two people will share one room instead of everyone sharing one with their genders. mina jumps on you right away, begging for you to join her and you only grab her hand and drag her towards one of the rooms. the second you walk into the room, you plop down on the bed that’s closer to the window.

“we aren’t doing anything today, right?” you ask mina with your eyes closed.

“no we only start on monday, so today we can just relax and settle in!” she excitedly replied and you hear a bunch of things scatter around the floor already.

“good, i’m taking a nap” you pull the covers on top of you, only realising how drained you feel mentally. maybe you should talk to midoriya and uraraka about it, in hopes of feeling better, yeah you’ll do that once you slept.

“girl, what-“ mina doesn’t finish her sentence, already hearing your even breathing. she wonders if you’re doing alright, you’ve been kind of strange lately. at first she thought it was because you were stressed over the exams but she isn’t so sure anymore and mina damn well knows that a certain ash blonde boy is worried about you. mina didn’t have to ask bakugou if he liked you more than a friend, it was always evident since first year how he’s much more gentle around you. she decided not to push it with bakugou though, she doesn’t want to make you or him uncomfortable and mina knows that bakugou knows what he’s doing, she’s just there to support him even if she doesn’t know how you feel towards him.

after a few hours, you wake up to find your room empty. mina’s colourful things, mainly pink, fill up the half of the room and you’re surprised to see how the room isn’t a mess, well yet. you look at your phone to check the time with wide eyes when you realise, you’re already in the evening. there was a message from your pink friend to let you know that she’ll come and wake you up before dinner if you are still asleep then. you stand up from your bed and lock the door so no one walks in on you while changing. you change into a pair of gym shorts and a loose fitting shirt and you unpack your clothes and other necessities first before unlocking the door and leave your room to join the others. you hope they aren’t mad at you for not being around them lately (they are more worried than mad).

everyone is hanging outside, the camp had a large garden with a small pond at the back and a few benches with tables paired surrounded it. there was a larger table set up as well with snack and drinks for now, with cups and plates as well and you headed towards it.

“look who decided to join us!” kirishima exclaims loudly with a large smile plastered on his face and swings his arm around your shoulder, around you everyone cheers “you good?” he asks with a quieter tone, knowing it’s only a matter of seconds before everyone else surrounds you.

“yeah, just awfully hungry!” you let out a small laugh when you grab a bag of chips. “when’s dinner anyways?” you turn towards him curiously, knowing your appetite won’t go away till you had eaten a proper dinner.

“in half an hour” kirishima chuckles as he lets go of you (he felt his best friend’s red eyes on him the whole time and he doesn’t want to die anytime soon) and asks if you wanted to join him and the others which you only nod to, mentally preparing to face bakugou after your rather awkward encounter earlier that morning. towards your way to the table, mina stands up to greet you with a hug.

“i hope i didn’t wake you, i tried to be quiet while unpacking.” she says with a grin while rubbing your arms. you shake your head, mirroring her expression and she ushered you to sit down… next to bakugou.

“hi” you quietly greet the grumpy boy with a small smile, trying not to make him feel uncomfortable for pressing against him too much because mina took a seat next to you, sitting too closely. his left hand is resting on the backrest of the bench between you two and he’s only wearing a red wifebeater with black shorts, your thighs press tightly against his and you’re grateful he’s sitting like this because you’re not sure if you could handle being pressed against his hard chest. he only gives you a nod before he drinks from his water battle, his eyes are unreadable, his feature are blank. you must’ve made him upset because even when the two of you weren’t on talking terms, he never acted like this, so close yet so far away from you.

maybe he knows about your crush on him?

before you could overthink, mina turns towards you excitedly with sero and kaminari, asking for your opinion of something. it lead to you easily engaging in a conversation with them nearly forgetting about bakugou sitting next to you, realising that he hasn’t talked since you sat down. maybe he didn’t want to talk with you around?

“i’m gonna go and find ochaco, i’ll talk to you later okay?” you stood up and smiled at your friends as you excused yourself, kirishima looked at you with both brows raised, seemingly returned from somewhere. you only gave him a smile that didn’t reach your eyes but he only gave you a warm one back before turning towards his friends.

you walked towards where uraraka was sitting and when she made eye contact with you her rosy cheeks spread with a smile. you sat down next to her and she excitedly included you on what they were talking about with the dekusquad, feeling the lingering gaze of bakugou’s eyes on you, but you didn’t look at him at all.

bakugou didn’t want you to leave them, he knew he was acting differently and he didn’t talk during your conversation but he missed hearing you. hearing your voice is like a remedy for his aching heart and when you sat down, nearly pressing up against him, it took every ounce of his self control to not pull you close and have you nestled in his arms. like when kirishima had his arms around your shoulders, he so damn wished it was him holding you close like that and that’s why, he’ll ask you to talk to him after dinner.

dinner rolled around and you ate like a madman, snacks can only satisfy your appetite to a certain extent and the food that was served tasted like heaven. you still prefer bakugou’s cooking though. after dinner, a few still remained in their seats while others started to mingle. you were peacefully chatting with uraraka when her eyes jumped up and back down to you and before you could look up, a warm hand gently brushed against your shoulder.

“can we talk?” a deep voice rasps, your eyes look widely at uraraka who in turn only gives you a reassuring smile and you turn around to face bakugou.

“yeah, sure” you nervously smile and you swear your heart will come out of your throat at this rate. the rest of your way towards bakugou’s room is a blur as you follow him, your knees feel wobbly and you could empty your dinner on the floor.

bakugou let’s you in before himself and closes the door after the both of you are inside. it seems like he’s sharing a room with kirishima because the crimson riot blanket is something the redhead would own. that makes you feel a tad bit better and you sit down on kirishima’s bed, fingers finding the soft material of the blanket. bakugou sits down on his bed across from you, leaning back on his hands, vermillion eyes taking you in. his posture makes him look so sure of himself but that’s further away from how he actually feels. bakugou doesn’t know how to talk to you without feeling his heart racing or the tips of his ear turn red and the so called butterflies go wild in his stomach.

you patiently wait for him to start, the floor seems to be a great spot to look at and your leg is bouncing but it all stops when he finally starts talking to you “have i done somethin? you’ve been ignorin’ me lately.” he lowly grumbles, eyes never leaving you.

“i didn’t, no i-“ you don’t even know what to say, too caught off guard by his question. “i wasn’t uh ignoring you” you whisper nervously and you could faint right this instant.

“ya weren’t? ‘cos it felt like it” his voice sounded louder than before and now he leans back up with his arms crossed. “thought we started to get closer ya know” you look up at him when he says that, eyes slightly widen and he’s looking away from you now, pouting. he’ll knew if you lie to him, so you don’t know what to tell him. you’re scared to tell bakugou the truth about your feelings for him because you could ruin everything (you wouldn’t) you have with him.

“i couldn’t be around you knowing you like someone else” the words come out before you could stop them and you quickly cover your face after the realisation hits you. “i’m so dumb, i’m sorry. i know there is no chance of you liking me, like i didn’t even talk to you for years before ua because i was so damn mad, for how you treated izuku. and like i know i didn’t have a reason to, even izuku told me to not be afraid of you, i didn’t know if you’d end up hating me too during middle school. but you’re not a bad person on the inside, i’ve come to learn that and i really like being around you, i’ve realised there isn’t really anyone else for me but you and it hurts how much i need you knowing you don’t want me” you’re sobbing into your hands as the words come out wobbly and you can’t stop them leaving your lips.

it takes bakugou a few minutes to actually understand what you’re saying and he feels relieved knowing you feel the same as him. he quickly gathers his thoughts because you are literally breaking down infront of him and he’s just sitting there pouting like an idiot.

“oi, look at me” he gently pleaded as he kneeled down infront of you, large warm hands attached themselves to your smaller wrist to tug your hands out of his view. when you let him, your eyes are glossy and red, yet he still thinks you’re beautiful. “i- fuck, i was worried you’d never talk me again after how i acted. fuck, i don’t even know what i did to deserve even the smallest moments with ya.” he lets out a dry chuckle, but his eyes never leave yours. “when you started to be more open towards me, as much as i wished to, i didn’t want force myself on you and lose you again. i’ve always known since we were kids that i want to be with you.” his thumbs started to stroke your cheeks as he takes a hold of your face and you look at him bewilderingly from his confession. “and now you’re here tellin’ me what i’ve been craving to hear for years now, it feels fucking insane.” he leans in closer now, looking up at you with love filled eyes, hands wondering down from your face to your hips. “if you’ll have me, i’ll treat you like you deserve. so please have me (y/n)” he’s begging now, he will take whatever pain life throws at him, as long as you’re by his side.

“katsuki..” your voice is small, barely audible as you try to process what is going on, bakugou likes you. it’s you who he likes and he wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with him. “i’ll die if it isn’t you i’m with” you whimper and he pulls you closer to meet your body halfway. one of his hands sneak back up to your cheek and your arms wrap around his neck.

your lips finally meet, moulding perfectly together and it’s quite clumsy since it’s both of your first kiss, but it doesn’t matter. your hand sneaks up into his ash blonde hair to pull him closer to you before he leaves for a second to breath, and then leans back in, both hands now placed on your hips again and pulls you impossibly close. his tongue is licking at your bottom lip to let him in, which you do and completely let go of yourself.

suddenly you feel your back pressed against the soft mattress and bakugou is above you, kissing you like it’s your last one. a hand wanders down your thighs and he pulls away a little to ask for permission and when you lean back up for more, he moves your thigh out of the way and presses himself closer. now with your hips touching, you whimper into the kiss when he ruts into as gently as he can, he pulls away to kiss along your jaw and down to your neck, trying to find that sweet spot of yours. you moan when he kisses where your shoulder and neck meets and he starts to kiss, lick and suck at the spot all at once.

your thighs squeeze his waist as his movement never stop and the repeated actions on your neck doesn’t help either. when bakugou finishes he leaves with a small kiss on the bruising spot and moves back to your lips. the kiss this time is more hungry and hot, but before things could be taken any further, bakugou leans back and moves so you two can see each other.

“let me take you out first, princess” he looks down at you with a soft look and his lips are plump and wet from the kiss.

“okay” you smile wildly at him and he pulls the both of you up so the both of you are sitting up and brings you in his arms.

“i’m so fucking happy that you finally came around, it was worth to wait all these years” he whispers against your ears and you let out a giggle.

“thank you for waiting for me kats” you peck his lips and for the first time ever, bakugou’s face breaks out in a large grin.

(midoriya, uraraka, kirishima and mina were all standing outside the room until the two of you started kissing. they all smiled to each other, feeling happy for their friends and relieved that the two of you finally confessed)

[jaslan4f1]

Love at 300 km/h LN4 Part 2

Masterlist

Warnings: friends to lover kinda thing, fluff & angst (I actually cried while writing this)

Notes: english is not my native language so this may contain consistency errors, i would really appreciate the corrections but please, be kind. feedback is also appreciated ♡

Summary: You and Lando are close but neither of you tried being more than friends. What happens when you both finally realize that love is right infront of you?

~ This is actually a story related to my own life right know. I have a driver friend that I’m crushing on and some events are in this story. Haha

You never wanted Lando to race for points that badly in your life. Was he really feeling the same you thought? His quality hasn’t been so good yesterday. He finished P15 so he had to fight to come to P4. You wanted him to finish that high and he wanted to take you out properly. You listened to everything the commentator said. Lando was now at P8. Gasly was infront of him. “Will Lando get pass Gasly? And with DRS Lando Norris passes Piere Gasly. What a great race for the McLaren driver“ the one commentator said enthusiastic. „Yay Lando, he is surprisingly very determined to get some points and drive into the top 5. I wonder where this comes from?“ the other commentator responded. Just 6 more laps…will Lando manage to get to P4? But to your surprise Landos car got even faster and he even got passed George and Lewis. “Great Lando you doing amazing“ was what you heard from Landos radio. “Thanks guys the car is great and my motivation is even higher today. Lets keep pushing for P4“ was Landos respond. You smiled when you heard his voice. Moments later Lando was just one position away from P4. You prayed for a miracle that he will get passed Stroll. And then something strange happened. Aston Martin wanted Stroll to pit on the last two laps. That made Landos position clear. He was P4. “Yes baby I knew you could do it“ you screamed as you threw your fist in the air. Lando ended with that position. He could wait to call you and take the next plane to you. He couldn’t stop from smiling, even in his interview he was asked why he was smiling so much. “Oh you know the race was just very good and I just had a great motivator“ he teased. You knew that his fans were going to get crazy about his comment. You quickly took your phone and started to take some photos for him. You promised him to send him these if he finishes P4. You took a few pics till you were happy with on of them. You looked very cute in one of his perch hoodies. You didn’t even think twice and send him the pic with a little caption: “Hopping to hear from you after your duties. Call me x Y/n. PS: You did amazing <3“

“I think your friend just texted you“ Landos media manager told him and gave him his phone. Without thinking Lando opened your chat. He saw your picture. You were in fact wearing his hoodie but he could also see that you weren’t wearing any sweatpants. Your legs were just being covered by his oversized hoodie. When he read your caption he smiled. “You little teaser“ he said to himself. After the dinner he had with Carlos he went straight to his hotel room. He unlooked his phone and went straight to the Facetime icon. He couldn’t just hear your voice, he had to see you. “Lando?“ a black screen and a sleepy voice accepted his call. “Fuck did I woke you up?“ he didn’t thought about your time change. “You kinda did but its ok now I’m awake anyway“ you said with a raspy voice. He loved your sleepy figure and voice. You turned your light in your bedroom on and looked at your phone. Lando looked tried. “You look like shit“ you said and laughed. “Well that’s nice. Thanks I thought you wanted to congratulate me but that’s also fine I guess“ he laughed. You stoped laughing and looked at you. Even tho he wasn’t with you this moment it still felt like he was sitting next to you. “So in that case…congratulation to P4 mister Norris“ your shyly voice made Lando grin. “Thanks I would love to talk longer to you but you should sleep and I should too.“ Your smile faded. “I guess you’re right. Hear from you soon?“ you asked sadly not wanting to end this call just now. You guys wished each other a good night and ended the call.

Lando was at the airport waiting with Carlos and Charles for their private yet. “Hey mate why are you so nervous?“ Charles asked. “Well I kinda have a date with Y/N when I get back to Monaco“ both Ferrari driver looked surprised at him. “Wait Y/N Y/N? Your best friend Y/N?“ Carlos asked “Pierres ex friends with benefit Y/N?“ Charles asked. Landos and Carlos eyes widened. “What?“ Lando asked. “Lando calm down I was just probably just a joke right…right Charles?“ Carlos said and prayed that Charles would get the hint. In that moment Pierre walked by. “You slept with my Y/N?“ Landos angry voice cracked. “Ok guys I thought we agreed not to tell him“ Pierre looked to the Ferrari driver. “Sorry mate it slipped out“ both said. Lando looked back. “Wait you both knew and didn’t told me? You knew how much I liked her and that for many years“ tears forming in his eyes. You meant the world for him. He didn’t really liked Pierre but he also didn’t dislike him. But he hated to fact that you were intimate with another driver and haven’t told him. It felt like every moment he thought you guys were crushing on each other was fake. “If it calms you down it was just for 3 months and she ended it“ Pierre said. Lando rushed to the bathroom he had to hear it from you. He wanted to call you but that would be childish. He knew what his first thing in Monaco was going to be. And boy he hoped that it was a bad joke.

a/n; I know it got a bit sad but I swear it will all add up in the end.

[sansaorgana]

Hi, long time no see

Just wanted to say: congratulations!!🥳

The bikeriders movie isn't out in my country yet (I have to wait till August I'm gonna kill myself btw 🙃) but all the gifs got me intrigued and now I'm obsessively reading your fanfics. I don't know anything about the movie except that, thanks to u, I am obsessed with Austin Butler...again. I tried to resist but I failed miserably

You did it first with Feyd-Rautha and now with Benny

Btw i still haven't properly read the final chapter of thrown to the wolves cuz I'm a coward and I don't want it to end 😭

Hope you're having a good day! Thanks for the new hyperfixation, lol

hello! 😊

are you from Sweden? sorry for the direct question haha but the only countries getting the movie so late are Poland and Sweden as far as I am concerned. I have managed to watch The Bikeriders in The Czech Republic some time ago thankfully but now it's streaming in some countries so maybe you can find it online 😘 tbh if I knew that the movie would be in streaming so fast, I wouldn't have bothered with going to see it in another country LOL but it's an hour away anyway so... 🤷🏻‍♀️

also, have you watched Masters of The Air? this show made my crush on Austin from 2022 come back with full force 😁

and no pressure about Thrown To The Wolves 😘 I still have one request to write that is sort of a sequel chapter by the way 😊

you're welcome for the new hyperfixation and I'm glad I made your crush come back 😉 it's hard not to crush on this man! 💗

[melissamasakari]

Confessions you didn't notice

Chapter two. Birthday mess.

Sam's birthday went according to plan. In the morning I managed to catch her on the way back from training (and I even managed to cover my ears and not go deaf from Paulie’s screams!) and gave her a gift.

“Wow! Is this a ’snakebite’?! I didn't even dream of it. You're an angel!”

“Glad you like it. Evening plans are still valid?”

“Of course. That will be me and you only. Phyllis is on duty today, but I'll take her out for lunch. And Cap,” she turned around, looking at the dust slowly settling after her boss flew past, winding another circle, “had let me go early today”.

“What a generosity!” I deliberately clasped my hands. “Are we sure we’re there will be no one else?”

“I didn’t plan it. Remy is on Patrol around the abandoned ruins, Arlo, as usual, has carloads of papers and reports for the evening. And he also was talking about a bunch of commissions for materials. Well, he probably just came up with an excuse,” she shrugged with annoyance.

“Oh... that will be mine commissions, it seems. The poor fellow will completely drive himself away at this rate.”

“Don’t worry, he’s crazy like this every autumn. Just another week and he will calm down. He’ll just become an ordinary grumbler again.”

“With some itchy feet,” I couldn’t help but add quietly. Sam burst out laughing and ran off.

We had a great time in the evening as expected, collecting a ton of tokens from Django’s. I think we even emptied his entire prize pool till next year. He looked annoyed at first, but then he expressed his joy out loud and called us walking advertisements for an arcade.

Two days later I was persistently reminded that it turned out to be my birthday. Even pa sent a postcard from somewhere in his wasteland. Just amazing! He should have dispatched it at the beginning of summer for it to arrive in time. Ginger sent me a great necklace by the mail. I don’t usually wear this type of jewelry, but she will definitely be pleased if I come to a party in it. Gust sent... what is this, an umbrella? And with my signature stamp? He is crazy or something? By now the whole city should have noticed that I really hate umbrellas! And those hats are also dumb! And just then it started to rain, how predictable!

From time to time appearing at home between trips to work, I was surprised to observe the endless flow of townspeople at my fence gate. They looked around very funny, leaving boxes and parcels at the mailbox. Many gifts were without signatures or cards, but it was not difficult to guess the giver. In the mailbox there was even a note with threats and a demand to sell my workshop and get out. Probably Higgins...or those loser scammers. Well, let's see what kind of loot I’ve got. There is food from Emily and Martha, a cool warm jacket from Carol (I've been meaning to order it for a long time!), a carpet from Gale, another carpet from Sonya, a cool pot of flowers from Alice. Oh, what else is there? The box contained exactly the same black dress as I wore on that ill-fated day. The sweepingly and beautifully signed card read: “Shine bright too! I love you. Antoine!” Wow. ‘Black glow’? That’s unheard of. Well, okay, so there will be a spare one if I screw up somehow. And this is where the boxes end. And letters, too. Oh, wait. At the bottom of the box was a letter from Petra with blueprints and congratulations. And a very official paper from the Civil Corps with an apology for the delay of my commission and hopes for patience and calm. Damn red-block-head! But at least he definitely didn’t eavesdrop.

Sam found me late at night diligently threshing punching sacks. We had a nice chat and exchanged news. She handed me a cool roomy bag with the logos of Flying pigs stitched over as decorations. Hand sewn, that’s amazing!

“Do you like it? I wasn't sure since you didn't answer my question.”

“Amazing!” I couldn’t contain my delight and hugged her tightly. “Where did You get it? There are so many pockets, you are a miracle!”

“I bought the basic one from Carol and spent a long time fiddling with the decorations. It turned out a little clumsily, but I...” She drawled guiltily.

“Are you kidding?! In fact, it’s hard for me to imagine you doing needlework and here it is! When did you found time? No one has ever bothered like this for me before. Well, mom, maybe. And it was very long time ago so I almost don’t remember her.”

“I'm glad I guessed right. Cheer up, kid, I need to run further along the route before anyone notices that I’m skiving.”

Having assured that all the urgent work was going as it should I crawled away to rest. The weather was pleasant in the morning; the mud from yesterday's downpour had even dried out. After reporting on the projects to the guild, I decided to take a leisurely jog around the pond to relieve some turmoil from my head. Relieve, however, did not happen – obsessive thoughts followed me around. We even didn’t have a proper conversation. It's a pity. Maybe I should seek him out again? Come on, that's bullshit. I have much more important things to do. Gale has generously piled me with interesting work again, so I’ll try to throw myself into it and just wait till the rest of the fall. Apparently I made the wrong wish on the Day of Memories when I was releasing a flying lantern into the sky.

Until next Friday I honestly kept my promise to immerse myself in work. I fulfilled several large orders, took inventory, went through a bunch of paperwork, and, while making another small commission, decided to beat up my training dummies.

“Are you training?” out of surprise, I jumped abruptly high in the air and in a turn stroked the visitor with my knee in the shoulder.

And Arlo didn't even wince.

“Didn’t anyone tell you that sneaking is bad? And you have to knock!”

“Somebody once told me. And I knocked. Your fence gates are always opened anyway. Great shot, by the way!” He rubbed the bruised area, shook himself off and continued. “So just how busy are you?”

“It depends on what do you need me for. Are we expected to save the world again?” Remembering the last episode with the sewer repair I asked cautiously. I really didn’t expect that he would show up in person! Finally!

“No, it’s not that bad. I just got a little carried away and broke my training dummy. Can you make me a new one?” He nodded towards my equipment for blowing off steam. “I see you already know how – you don’t even have to look for blueprints. Will you take my commission?”

“Wait a minute. I made one for you recently. What did you hit it with, a hammer or something?”

“As it turns out I need something sturdier.”

“Okay, just how urgent is it?” And why do I keep thinking that I’m missing the chance to ask questions that are of much more interest for me?

“Can you have it done before the Snowball Battle? I don't want to miss my training for so long.”

“I have one condition. No, two.”

“I'm hanging on your words!”

“You still need to have a break from your training. You have been delaying my orders for the third week a row!”

“Sorry, something happened,” he shrank guiltily.

“I know what could have happened to you!” I blurted out, shaking my fist at him. Is it just my imagination or is there someone giggling there from behind the fence?

“What is the second condition?”

“I want to challenge you to a snowball battle. I have already beaten you in land run, but in the martial arts tournament I consider it was a technical draw.”

“A draw? You knocked me out of the finals! I didn't even understand how it happened. Twice.”

“So, you remember. And then Russo almost broke all my ribs. I should have left him to you. Or at least get some proper sleep before that fight...”

“Come on?! No preparation and you just rushed to thrash the butler. And if it’s of any consolation I didn’t have a chance against Russo either. He used to be a Civil corps leader after all.”

“Don't change the subject. I still have to invent an arlo-proof dummy, you know.”

“Yes, sure. I don't usually do snowball fighting, but why not? I haven’t done anything other than work and training for a long time.”

“Well, before I forget. How did your exams go?”

“It’s better not to ask,” he immediately drooped. Was it really THAT bad? He was running around like crazy all month.

“It's a pity. Sorry. So my lucky fist-holding didn't work. Next time I'll cross my fingers for you. They say it works better,” I made an appropriate encouraging gesture.

“It’s okay, I’ll survive. Looks like I'm still not good enough.”

“Then they are all blind there if they think so.”

Putting on an air of importance he cheerfully said goodbye and disappeared again into the landscape behind my fence gate. Just like deja vu. Looking for clues for the task he had given me I decided to visit Petra. We spent all day brainstorming and finally came up with a plan. There's just a little bit left to do – I have to get everything done in a week, unless urgent problem is rushed onto me. I had to hang around in the ruins all weekend and replenish supplies of materials; if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to start testing my arlo-proof-something by Wednesday.

On Tuesday morning Arlo reappeared on his own out of the blue. Sure, I don’t usually immediately notice if someone is looming around the fence, since it's such a common thing. There is always someone running around my place as if it is some tourist attraction. And almost half of the heads usually sticking up over the fence here are all red, well, including my own. I perfectly fit into the picture here, nothing more to say.

Why is Arlo acting so strange? So very weird. He just walks back and forth in front of my fence gate but for some reason he doesn’t try to come in or knock. So I decided to hail him myself.

“Arlo? Hey, come in, don’t circle around there or you’ll trample a hole in the road!” I shouted from the height of the second floor of the assembly station. Zero reaction. What's wrong with him? “Sky to the Captain, do you copy?! Captain Arlo, confirm the operation status! Repeat: confirm the operation status, Captain!”

“I asked you not to call me so!” He pouted, but at least he restored his touch with reality. I'll save this feat for the future.

“Come in, I said. I’ll come down soon,” I pointed with my hand into the yard, “or, if you’re not in a hurry, you can wait for me in the house.”

At the second offer he somehow stretched himself out with some nervousness, shook his head negatively, and in a couple of jumps found himself near the workbench. Having finished assembling another very important thing, I went to find out what was going on felling intrigued.

“Are you’re looking for your dummy? I planned to finish it tomorrow, well, Thursday at latest. I still need to test it, at least minimally.”

“Are you going to hit it with a pickaxe?” Hinting at the obvious difference in strength, he nodded towards my rather battered punching sacks hanging near the stable. “But no. That's not what I'm after.”

“Then what's up?” I wiped my hands with a rag and inquired.

“I was thinking. Maybe we can go somewhere together? Tomorrow.”

“Are bandirates invited to this party? Or maybe an ensemble of jumping dancers? An honor guard from the city administration? We seem to have agreed on a fest on Friday.”

“The festival is still valid, of course. But I would like to do something, well, more tranquil.”

“For example? Just don’t offer to go jogging and training!” I wonder if I’m daydreaming again, or is this a date? Judging by what I know, it’s definitely not his promotion party.

“How about we go to Django's? Then we can book an arcade hall or take a walk to the beach.”

“Beach in winter? Your tastes are little specific, you know.” I pointed out slightly sarcastically as I was trying not to show my excitement.

“I would suggest a haunted cave instead, but it’s slippery there now. And also cold. The atmosphere is the best, of course. It's creepy and disgusting. You may get sick, and instead of having fun you'll end up with a full pack of new problems”.

“Fair point. So tomorrow, a restaurant. In the evening?”

“Yeah, let's go in the evening. In the morning the hall is packed. At lunchtime there are always some of the bosses present. This will be no rest either.”

“Then where do we meet and what about the dress code?”

“I can come to fetch you. By seven. Is it fine?”

“Are you ignoring the second question on purpose, or is there some hidden meaning?”

“On this matter I am only a so-so adviser. I'll leave it you. Just make sure you're warm and comfortable enough. I know you’re still not very used to the snowy winter.”

“Acknowledged. I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow,” we bumped fists in goodbye.

In joyful anticipation I cheerfully completed most of the work planned for the whole week. I even managed to go and report on everything urgent. All that was left was that arlo-proof dummy. Sam caught me finishing it the next morning.

“Wow, what a monstrosity you are building here!” Her delighted voice came from behind the fence.“Can I check it out?”

“Come in, just don’t touch anything yet. It's not really bolted. I still need to tighten it up a little more and check it. And just then it will be ready to be screwed to some fairly heavy stand. So I just drove it into the ground so far. For tests.”

“Did you call a tester?” Sam inquired busily and patted her boxing glove with her hand.

“Let the owner test it himself. I really hope that at least he won’t hurt himself in the process”.

“This thing will be moved to the headquarters?”

“Bingo! Certainly. I'm already working on the second design.”

“What a colossus!”

“Yeah, I’m very interested to see how he’s going to get this thing uphill. I have never seen any transport usable to moving up the ice slide that the ramp in the park has turned into.”

“He'll figure it out. For the sake of resuming training he will do just everything. I was surprised that he even cleared away all the papers! Has he sent you all your materials? Or was I running around for nothing?”

“As far as I remember I still need leather and fur. I managed to get some for urgent orders myself. So, I'm not worried yet. But if there’s some lying around at the headquarters, just whistle and I’d better come and pick it up. Oh, by the way. Your order is ready too, I was going to catch you tomorrow. Wait a minute. And pass me that metal thing, please.”

“Oh, great. Glad I dropped by.”

“Are you in a hurry? I could use your help.”

“Not too much. What’s what you need?”

“A trivial girly thingy. I've nothing to wear.”

“Now that is interesting. People don’t usually come to me for something like that,” she laughed.

“I’m not going to ask Antoine for help and then be unable to get away from him. He gifted me a dress, can you imagine? And even signed a postcard.”

“Come on?! Show me!”

As we entered the house together I opened the closet and invited my friend to rummage through it while I washed myself off after the dirty work.

“So how do you like my booty?” I went out in my usual home attire, preparing to inspect my scarce selection of clothes.

“Here is plenty to choose from. So what’s the occasion and plan of the event?”

“I would have liked to know the occasion myself. I've been told it will be a restaurant and a walk. The sequence is arbitrary. Also I don't want to suffer from frostbite. And I don’t want to look like an unwashed miner either. As such, everything is as usual.”

“Okay. Then let's try this out” Sam surprisingly quickly put together a cool set for me. Then another one. And another still. How come I’ve got so many clothes?

As I’ve tried out everything offered, we looked at the clock and found that lunch was almost over. So we had to finally choose and we settled on a practical classic. As result two almost identical girls, a blonde and a redhead, looked at us from the mirror, smiling provocatively. The difference was in the details and some little things. My jacket was warmer and longer still, bright blue – made of Slurpee leather. And the jeans were perfect – gray, with a lot of pockets. My only warm and non-slip boots also fit well. I’ll even wear my new necklace with these. And also I’m going to take with me my current favorite bag.

“You are my savior! Drop by on any weekend – I’ll treat you to home-cooked lunch.

“Splendid! They say you almost beat Django in the Cook off. Sorry I missed everything. Usually that competition includes a lot of my favorite dishes.”

“Let's catch up then. And here's your order.”

To pass time til the evening I decided to tinker with the paperwork that I usually do on Saturdays. However, Arlo did not appear at the appointed time. Nothing new. I was about to go “test” his order, and I even got to made a couple of test kicks when I heard noise from behind the fence.

“Look what the cat dragged in! You can arrange transportation for your new toy,” I began instead of greeting and waved my fist invitingly.

“Oh can I try it out?”

“Just without zeal. I already thought you wouldn't come at all.”

“Sorry. I was sorting out complaints from one workshop. It turns out that you are accused of stealing a pickaxe. A bronze one!”

“What kind of jerk took a risk? I have had only iron ones for a long time. You know that.”

“Yeah, well enough. That's why the investigation took so much time. I had to collect evidence in the first abandoned ruins in order to prosecute him for libel. He will be an eyesore for me until the end of the week in the jail now,” he said indignantly but rather threateningly, and made a couple of test blows at the dummy.

“It was Higgins, wasn’t it? Ugh, I'm sorry. Consider yourself forgiven. And as such you already punished yourself for being late.”

“So generous. And this toy turned outto beexcellent! I had no doubts, of course. You’re a great builder after all. But you managed to exceed all expectations.”

“Are you sure you don’t have a basement anywhere? Otherwise it might, uh, break through the floor or something.”

“Don't worry. I won’t put it on the second floor, but it’s the clinic where there is a basement, not our place. Are you ready?”

“If you are ready to give up trying to break this monstrosity. At least until Sunday.”

“Yeah, sorry. Let's go. We should practice together sometime.”

“No way.” I closed the house and checked the gate.“I won’t spar with you anymore.”

“And why is that? It was great! I enjoyed it very much!”

“Because I still plan to beat you in the tournament next summer, of course!”

“And just how will joint training interfere with this?”

“You will be ready for my surprises that way. That's not very interesting.”

“Do you have any other strange techniques up your sleeve?”

“Just you wait and see.”

“We've arrived.” Arlo opened the door, letting me in first. Well, that's nice.

Oh, a cozy little fenced-in nook. Seems like a good spot, not too close to tables intended for large groups or business meetings, but, to my sorrow, uncomfortably close to the entrance and also in a draft. That's where we headed. Why am I so nervous? Well, I only dreamed about this for almost a whole month. Cheer up, girl! So, I allowed myself to be pampered a little tint bit, and we sat down opposite each other. The distance seems to be decent. Calm down, Melissa, breathe. Nothing is happening yet.

“You said that you come here often.”

“Yeah, so what?”

“Then explain such abnormal excitement around.”

“You think so? It seems like it's always like this.”

“I don’t know how to put this. Usually when I get here, that’s either Sam who pulls me out into a noisy crowd of people or I just hang out alone at the counter and sometimes discuss new recipes with Django if he's not too busy. And now it feels like as soon as we entered the entire staff dropped what they were doing and began circling nearby.”

“If you hadn’t pointed this out I wouldn’t have noticed. For some reason such a stir happens every time I come in.”

“So it's clear. This means that in an hour at most the whole city will already be gossiping about seeing us here together.”

“And so what? Just let them say and think what they want. This doesn't bother me at all. Does it disturb you, maybe?” To my surprise he really guessed it! It’s unlikely that he’s always hanging out privately with the girls here. Otherwise Sonya would have already told everyone. Now she’ll definitely talk about this little visit of ours, oh crap.

“Not that much. Maybe on the contrary it will be beneficial and yield more orders,” I said, putting on an overly cheerful appearance. It’s also quite possible that those Nora of his will bite me in the face later. Who knows what these church apprentices are up to?

“By the way about orders. I mean what are we going to order?”

“Let me think. Will we have separate account? I'm quite happy with today's dish of the day, a couple of crepes for dessert, and some hot tart drink like tea or coffee.”

“If it’s more comfortable for you, let’s have separate.”

It is not at all surprising that Sonya was hovering somewhere nearby and instantly materialized as soon as Arlo waved his hand. We said hello again I told what I wanted and discussed the conditions. Then it was my companion’s turn and he immediately ordered a total five of his least favorite dishes. I was terribly surprised and immediately tried to talk him out from this dumb idea.

“Wait, you don’t like sweets. And you’ve said SO many times that you can’t stand steamed potato fruit. Are you sick by any chance? There are also three sweet dishes and even a dessert. Arlo, what's wrong with you?”

The waitress chuckled softly. Really, she knows better than anyone in this small town each persons preferences in food. There is nowhere else to go here to be honest.

“I was quite healthy this morning, thank you. I don't know I just wanted to try something new. Or give this food a second chance, something like that.”

“Okay, we’ll always have time to add something else.”

Sonya accepted our orders and finally left, smiling mysteriously and gracefully swaying her hips.

“So, how it is? Do you regret moving here yet?”

“No way. Apart from this cold winter and an excessively humid, rainy summer, I am quite okay. I'm not swallowing sand each time I need to go outside. And the skin does not crack if I forget to hide it from the sun. And my job is really interesting. I even have made some friends! And there is a small but pleasant bonus: my aunt can’t reach me here and has finally stopped trying to micro-manage my life.”

“How‘ s that?”

“Well, you know. She breathed down my neck all the time with her advice. Don’t talk with these people – they’ll teach you all bad things! Just tie the knot and be fixed for life. But you’re not allowed to be friends with this guy and that gal. Blah-blah-blah and stuff like that. She was so overbearing that she even distracted me from studying and working normally.”

“Understood. Sorry for asking.”

“Come on. Here I can at least breathe normally and be myself. Do what I want. Talk to everyone I like, and not with those who passed Kendra’s selection.”

“Do you think I'd pass?”

“Well, it's a good question. I didn't even think about it this way. Besides, I just don't give a fuck anymore. If she’d not like you, that would be her problem! It’s quite enough that I like you. But if you insist I can speculate what it would look like. Just for fun.”

“Try it, I’m curious, if it will not make you sad.”

“Well considering what I've heard about you from others... Hmm. I suspect she would be over the moon that I have a friend like you. Kendra would brag to all of her friends, driving away their ugly, boring momma's boys. But I just won't let this happen, okay? I only recently stopped receiving trainloads of letters from her demanding to account for every step. “

“Well, I haven’t seen something like this before, and it’s hard for me to comprehend it right now. I won't ask again, I promise.”

“Agreed. It’s like we came to have fun, not to pick at sores.”

“Exactly,” he was still noticeably saddened, even hovered a little. Somehow the conversation wasn’t going well, and I started to get even more nervous.

Our order arrived. Predictably, as Arlo never liked sweets, he turned even sourer. And he also flatly refused the offer to order something tastier or at least filling. Oh, damn it, what to do with him? I should have confessed to him near the house and found out everything! There are too many extra ears here, and it feels like they are all crowding around. I can’t ask about exams as he would have told me about work himself. In a fit of panic I fidgeted with my bag, I don’t quite understand what I was trying to find there except for keys and a set of tools. A first aid kit, maybe?

“Wow, what a cool bag do you have here. Did you do it yourself? I want one too!”

“No, it was not me. And there will be no repeat, this is a one-off.”

“Why is this?”

“It’s a present. Handmade. So it’s really hard to repeat.”

“It's a shame. Wait, a gift? From whom? Was there an occasion?”

“I won’t say from whom. But there was an occasion, yes.” I tried not to dwell on my disappointment from that day about how my “best friend” didn’t show up and didn’t even congratulate me with a postcard.

“I missed everything, right? How long ago?”

“In the fall,” Sonya came to put away the dishes, eavesdropped and tried not to giggle. I'll discuss it with her later. At least not in front of Arlo.

“Sorry. You were probably waiting, right?”

“Let’s just say, I hoped. At least that we could just meet up and chat. I definitely didn’t expect an apology for the delay of my order that arrived by mail. I missed you, by the way!” Oh, that was too loud. It seems like a couple of plates broke somewhere near, just a little short of reaching the kitchen.

“Can you pinpoint a date? I understand that I should have known this myself, but it has had totally washed out,” oh, what a guilty tone his voice has. I almost liked it.

“Not surprised. You were completely absorbed in the upcoming test. Twenty fifth.”

“Exactly. That was the last three days of preparation and run-up for the training ground. I utterly screwed up,” he hit himself on the forehead with his palm.

“Do not worry. I usually don't celebrate. This was I think the first year in the last... ten, or such that I had some festivities”.

“What kind of gifts do you like? Well, for the future,” have he perked up or something? It's nice.

“It’s hard to tell right away. I usually like something practical. The girls gave me a whole bunch of warm clothes. Now there is something to wear for work in and something fancy for special occasion. Just in case, I’ll tell you right now if you haven’t figured it out yet. I DO hate umbrellas! Anyone who dares to bring me an umbrella or any other thing that resembles it as a gift is at risk of getting it back, stuck up their ass and opened!”

I heard the door opening and the completely indecent laugh of Sonya and her group of friends three tables away. Antoine cackled louder than anyone, even the chandelier above them swayed. Well, guess who got here... I think I have problems. It's probably too late to leave. I shrank all over in my seat and tried to pretend to be a decoration on the wall, checking the situation with my peripheral vision. The laughter can still be heard, but it seems that the storm had passed. Gust walked past with a poker face and disappeared somewhere at the entrance to the arcade hall. His pig jumped funnily after him. Now it was I who had to hold back my laughter. Arlo without any reaction to Gust calmly continued:

“Do you have any wishes?”

“About gifts, or about this evening?”

“Both.”

“I’m not going to the arcade now, okay?” I nodded towards the person who came in. “I don’t want to see him with his sour face. It will ruin the whole mood for me.”

“Understood. Let's bug out then? “He winked conspiratorially and helped me to get ready to leave. Just in case I left a generous tip for my part of the order. I hope my hint will be taken.

We walked out into the refreshingly cool, clear night. The city had not yet begun to decorate for the winter festivals, it was quiet and calming. The yellow lanterns shone comfortably. I was really proud of making them! The shops had long been closed, and on the way to the Central square we didn’t even meet anyone. Sam's light wasn't on – she was most likely on duty. I was very relaxed so I didn’t even notice how we ended up at the swing near the school. But why not?

“Do you want to swing? New competition?” Arlo perked up noticeably and cheerfully sat down on the second swing nearby, as soon as I sat down on mine.

“You wanted quiet leisure time. Don't overexert - you'll fall out. Or wind will inflate your head,” I slowly began a test swinging, “I have a light form of motion sickness.”

“Then why did you do such tricks at the land run?”

“I had to quickly dust off my rusty skills. I have a complicated relationship with horses. And that stallion, moreover, was rented and too nasty. But it was fun!”

“Never DO that again. No one would even notice in time that something went sideways! You looked so confident.” I can hear rising anger in his voice. “And for your skills, we’ll come up with something if you wish.”

“Personal riding instructor? Sounds tempting. But first I will have to fix the issue with the stable and look for an opportunity to buy a horse. I need to wait until that tame filly I noticed at McDonald's grows up,” I said and then immediately imagined how ridiculous it all would look. Crap.

“Maybe you can start with something more trivial? Llamas are quite good for taming.”

“I hope this isn’t a veiled insult about my petite size. It's enough that Sam teases me about it regularly. But she's allowed to.”

“Why should I tease you? I like the way you are. And, by the way, why should Sam tease you? You two are almost of the same height.”

“It’s not really about height,” I jokingly pushed him under the elbow with my palm, slightly disturbing the balance of the swing. “We quickly befriended, and I got tired of her calling me builder. It was too formal. She called me “little fella” or “kid” one day and it stuck. Strange, because it’s not much shorter than my actual name. But I didn’t argue anymore.”

“Understood. Don't push me, or we'll get swings twisted.”

“Come on, I don’t have the strength to move you.”

“But you still managed to win a spar.”

“I’m still convinced that you gave in.”

“I wouldn’t have thought,” he got from the swing and walked around me from behind and grabbed the chains of my swing right above my hands. Satisfied, he looked down at me and offered to swing me. Starting to blush deeply, I nodded in agreement. For some time, only the rustling creaking of the rig was heard from above. I need to come back here sometime soon and oil all the bearings.

“Is it okay? Not too fast? Not frozen yet?”

“Fine. And what?”

“You look so good with such a blush on you, you know. It's getting late. Do you want me to lead you home?”

“Only if you come up for tea,” the swing gradually stopped.

“I don’t want to abuse your hospitality. Let's leave the tea for another time, okay?”

“Deal,” I got off my seat, and we headed towards the stairs.

Having climbed a few steps up, Arlo turned around, waved his hand at me and said: “See you Friday, sweetie!” and sped up the hill.

I'm looking forward to it. Wait, how did he call me? I definitely misheard!

[8054yamato]

03/26/2024

The more I revisit some of the more disheartening rabbit holes that I once thought would never re-occur to me again, the more I realize how I am not alone.

The types of rabbit holes I am talking about are the people rambling of their personal issues and how many of them took their own life soon after. One of the cases you may know of is Olivia Liv Penpraze.

I am an on and off Pierce the Veil listener. I have been since elementary. Around the time I got into digging through the internet rabbit holes, I discovered a discussion topic on a forum about their hidden message on Bulls in the Bronx. That curiosity eventually led me to look up Liv and read her story. I had watched a video of her messages in index cards, then eventually her final video. I did not catch it at the time, but after re-watching that video now, I realized PTV's Hold On Till May was based off her final goodbye.

Mind you, I was at 7th grade when I had originally discovered her. It was the year after 2 depressing years. At the time, I felt a sense of connection as I was also bullied and numb during my 5th and 6th grade. Official records show that I had attempted suicide or self-harm at my school at 6th grade and now it is stuck there as a permanent record. I had to go to the hospital and tell lies how I was okay and eventually, I managed to become stable again.

7th grade was a really good year. I made my first real friend, and I linked up with a nice friend group which led to my first best friend. I got introduced to Flower Boy by Tyler, the Creator that year and have been a frequent listener since. So when I read and seen Liv's story and felt related with her, I felt a sense of thankfulness.

Why? Because I thought I was abnormal. I thought that I was a failed product. I thought that I was a failure to everyone. Even when I was happier at the time than any of the recent years prior to my discovery of her, I still had major insecurities. Recognizing how I was not alone and even made it out of the dark hole I was once in, I had more confidence. I was more thankful for life and appreciated my happy days further. As a consequence, I was an outgoing introvert if that makes sense. The biggest downside that year for me was how serious I got into anime around the same time, but that is completely unrelated. I just wanted to say a negative about that year because it really was the peak of my life.

I would say the day I seen Liv's story was an important day that made who I am today. I can not pinpoint the time when I started self-reflecting and thinking more logically, but if I had to make an educated guess, it would certainly be that day. Her story single-handedly changed the route of my life to what was supposed to be for better.

Fast forward to present-day, I am on the same mindset as her once again. The difference now is what makes the both of us and many people alike depressed. One thing for sure, our end paths are aligned. It is either hot or cold, success or death, everything or nothing.

I know I made plans on mid-May to start changing myself. Whenever I get into darker thoughts, I doubt that I can even last that long. Thankfully, I am not always on that side of the brain. It just comes on seemingly randomly like an angel and a devil on my shoulder.

I am impressed how people can live past 18 with our state of mind. Liv was really holding onto her thoughts for so long and I feel really sorry for her. Those who made it out, congratulations. Please continue. Nobody wants to see your deaths, we all want you to live.

Let me tell you the craziest shit though. This was unplanned as I now checked my old Twitter account and you will not believe it. FYI the reason why I checked my old Twitter account was because I just remembered it. You know how Liv was holding her suicide until May? So was I. I checked my ranting back on January 2022, I was planning to end it all on May 1st. I was 15 fucking years old at the time. I even had a roadmap of where I wanted to go for my death and the time. WHAT THE FUCK!???

I want to mention how I literally forgot about her at the time. The only reason how I remembered her today was because I started to go through rabbit holes that I read a long time ago of similar stories to her and one of them mentioned Liv. The pure unplanned coincidence of me having the same death day as Liv is blowing my mind right now. I did that shit at 15. I am at 18 with the same mindset. I have not changed since then.

I have been on this exact post for more than an hour. Just a mix of typing my thoughts then staring at my ceiling to think on repeat. I now re-read everything I have posted, and there was not much, but it was enough. I probably stated this before, but I really only had one best friend in my life. That best friend commented on one of my posts. I read it and I cried. He really said some nice words that I actually will try to follow it.

Evidently, for three consecutive years, nothing has changed. I have made the same promise each year and not once have I completed any of them or even come close. As I read through my most recent DMs with my old best friend in 2023 when I randomly checked up on him, the more I realize how low I have stooped.

The DMs show my ambitions on how I strived for perfect SAT scores and the path of work I was interested in sometime July of 2023. I am aware how I previously stated how my depression started before that time, but there were attempts of getting happiness back and really strong ones around July. My efforts actually proved that as I was fairly diligent and actually invested on those efforts. Eventually, a big wave of depression hit around the time my senior year started and it has only went downhill from there.

I want to link up with him and talk. I want to see how everything is going for him and his progress with his interests. I hope he is doing well.

I have remained the same person for three consecutive years. I wish to change. I want to change. You have to get through the hard parts of life to experience the good parts. Do not wait for life to get better, make it better.

Today was really insightful. I know I have said this previously, but today truly might have been the best post. I started off wanting to talk about rabbit holes and connection with like-minded individuals from a decade back to rambling about myself and Liv.

I want to place your perspective on something real quick. She committed suicide at 2012. I was in Kindergarten or 1st grade at the time. 12 years later, I am at her position, just one year younger. The cycle of depression continues. Whoever you are, you are not alone, I promise you. I really hope you are able to change. Work hard. When your thoughts make you kneel, keep trying to stand. The only end you want to see is life and your passions. Tunnel vision for that goal.

That is enough for my rambling session. Today was a very emotional day. I started typing this at late 11PM and ended up almost 1:30 AM.

The plans I made that was originally meant for mid-May, I will start it now. This will be my final rush. I managed to survive for more than three years with these negative thoughts, I do not think I am strong enough to survive another. If all goes to shit, I will be gone by May 1st. I will stick with my original plan. Thank you for reading once more.

As I stated previously, I will be going on a hiatus when if I started on the plan. I will keep it consistent and will not post. If you do not hear from me by May 1st, I am a lost cause. I hope you do not think the same. It is bad. I want you to be alive. Thank you for reading an another entry of mine. Hopefully I live to see beyond May.

This may be my final song recommendation:

When life gets hard, keep on marching on. Even if the finish line is far or you have to push a car, keep on marching on.

Signing out,

Ren

[vellichxrr6782]

it isn't exactly new years for me yet, but i can't stay on tumblr for till midnight, so i'm writing this now.

this year has been one i can look back fondly on. a year full of growth and memories that i'll cherish forever. i hope it's the same for the person reading this too !

if this year was harsh to you, don't be disheartened. it's all coming to an end, and you can start anew again. this new year will hopefully be full of opportunities, exciting adventures and treasured memories.

thank you to everyone who's been with me for this journey (and congratulations, you managed to deal with a dumbass like me), i hope to see you all next year too <3

as a final note, a very, very happy new year to everyone !

[trickstertime]

Oh boy, time to info dump! Hey @cyberphuck I don't know if anyone told you but what you're doing is a type of Mind Palace (yea, like sherlock) called the method of loci but you're doing it at a very impressive level.

The fun thing for people reading this is that anyone can do this. I'm very dyslexic and didn't know the months in order till I learned how to do it and memorised them in an hour at age 25. I can give you the months and the numbers of them too, plus I can say them forwards or backwards.

The basic idea is that human are very very good at remembering route they take or places they've been, so you assign things to a place or route you know.

The easiest one is to put rhyming words to numbers: one = bun(ny), two =shoe, three = tree, four=door, five = (bee) hive, six = sticks, seven = heaven(ly light), eight = gate, nine = lion, and zero is a circular hole in the ground.

So, what you then do is get a route you know well, say, going home from work or school and assign things to notable parts of the route, like a corner or traffic lights.

Bear with me this is long but worth it: take a route you walk. In your mind, go to the start of your route and imagine as strongly as you can that, when you leave, you bump into a massive tree just outside. There wasn't a tree there before, your hair gets tangled in the branches and it leaves sap on your cloths, the stickiness is very annoying but it smells nice. You walk around it and when you reach the street (or the next marker in your mind) there's an enormous bunny on the path, it's absolutely huge and chewing loudly, it's friendly though and you pet it's fur which is lovely and soft. You continue on but there's a door at the next notable part. Like, just there. set up on the street. A wooden door. It's old and the paint is flaking off, it's swinging slightly open and when you walk through it creaks loudly and the paint flakes off a little bit but it bumps against something on the other side, you look through and there's another bunny behind it but it's dressed in a top hat and fancy jacket, some of the paint gets on its jacket and it's slightly bothered but you apologise and it's huffs but let's you know its ok. That was weird. You walk on a little further and on the corner you hear buzzing. There's a bee hive and it's dripping with honey. So much so it's spilling onto the street. You have to carefully step through the honey, the bees don't mind but the smell is overwhelming in a pleasent way and the honey gets on the soles of your shoes. However when you go around you get the fright of your life. There's a god damn lion laying in the honey behind it lazily licking up the honey. It says 'I'd be lion if I said I didn't like honey', you laugh politely and walk on. At the next part of your journey you see clown shoes facing you on the ground but they're the longest ones you've ever seen and they're kinda propped up from behind. They kinda look like bowling shoes but, like, ridiculously long even for clown shoes and they stink!!! As you pass them you see that they're propped up on sticks that are waaaaay to thin for the weight they're holding. There's a bunch of broken sticks on the ground too where whoever was propping them up obviously tried a few different sticks. You continue on and at the next point of your trip you come across another hive but it's enormous. Like, size of a car on its end enormous. No bees though. Weird. The other bees would probably prefer it though it's kind of papery. As you pass it you see its attached to a tiny tree. It's like someone shot it with a shrink ray. It's perfectly preportioned like a big tree but the tree is comicly small. Then you go home and eat some pie.

Now, if you can manage to assign that to a route, placing the various weird things you saw to notable portions making sure to take your time and imagine them as strongly and clearly as possible, then congratulations, you just memorised pi to 9 decimal places. The tree is 3, the bun(ny) is 1, the door is 4 and so on. The really cool thing is that, because it's a route in your mind, you can walk backwards along the route and recall pi backwards from 9 decimal places

This works for pretty much anything just once you can come up with some memorable nonsense. The weirder and more vivid it is the better. It's also where we get the phrase 'in the first place' cuz it comes from people memorising stuff and placing important information at places in their mind and usually the most important is placed at the first place

movies where someone hears an important message only once and retains all the details….

girl if that were me, we’d be fucked. I have to reread emails like 4 times.

[mikumanogi-blog]

2023-08-22 "Sherbert blue sherbert" Tereblog #108 [ENG]

🍦🍨🍧 All these ice cream emojis are adorable!

Hello, I’m Nogizaka46’s 5th generation member Ikeda Teresa.

Thank you for coming to read my blog today, please make sure you read till the end.

Ogawa Aya on the palm of my hand

The member created their own clothing coordination for their personal clothes. I did a uniform style…what am I hiding, I, Ikeda Teresa, was actually formerly part of the basketball club. So that’s why I chose something nostalgic.

However!! As you can see in the middle of my chest if an NFL logo! I’m such an idiot, but it’s fine cause I still love basketball.

I want to play it again, but I can’t really run any more (the shame of doing the 50m dash in 11.3 seconds)

Dance outfits, ponytail version.

I took this after changing from my plain clothes, it’s a rare shot! We both have ponytails🐎🐎🐎

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I went to the Nogizaka café 🥞

I order pancakes and fruit and a salad! It’s the latter menu!

Ikenko has kind of an evil look.

The sticker that followed the order was a sticker of Mao-san. With the real person (         　･´ｰ･｀         )

It was delicious, and a lot of fun.

This delicious food gave me the poor to do my best as we close in on the Jingu performance which is in three days!

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Congratulations on the 12th year anniversary since your formation Nogizaka46. I can’t believe that we are part of the 12 year history of Nogizaka46… it’s a strange feeling.

However, when I think about before becoming a Nogizaka member, when I found out about Nogizaka, when I started to like the group I feel like I was already a part of their history. The same as all of you reading my blog.

The senior Nogizaka member, the other 5th generation member, the managers who support us, the staff who support us, and all the fans that support us, you’re all part of my beloved “Nogizaka46”

Thank you all very much.

Let’s continue to climb this slope together ☺︎

Bye

#Tereblog #108(Oh? Teree-pan’s state is...)

[misery-has-no-company-now]

My first post! Only for people to know who I am really, and because I don't want the blogs I follow to think I'm a bot at first glance. Here goes nothing.

My name :

I won't be saying my actual name over here, since I'm a relatively private person in nature, though I might occasionally go on vents about my personal life on this blog, but that's without revealing any part of my identity, because I want this to be separate from my real life.

Therefore, I'm just going to be creating my name from my blog's name, as I've seen some others do. You can obviously call me Misery, and from the same letters as present in that word, you can call me Mery (or Meri) as well. Ignore that these two words have opposite meanings - it matches with my vast range of moods anyways.

I'll update this if I think of another name. Additionally, I don't mind someone coming up with a new nickname for me either; although my only request is that it isn't used if I don't like it (:

My identity :

I'm still learning a lot about sexualities and pronouns; but as of now, a definitive is that I'm ace, and my current pronouns are she/her.

Also, speaking about moods, as I mentioned earlier, I'm really volatile, so don't be surprised if I appear amiable one day and melancholic the next. That will happen. I can assure you.

Moving on, my hobbies include reading, writing (which is how I learned about this site in the first place), and making art. However, I'll probably only be posting written compositions over here, since the art is more personal and can easily identify me (and in case it was not obvious, I don't want that)

English is my third language, but I'm constantly looking to improve, so any suggestions and constrictive criticism (in the event that I do actually post something, less likely than one might think) are always most welcomed (:

My current hyper-fixation is in WTTT, so I'll mostly be reblogging stuff related to the same. I have smaller interests in other fandoms too, so those can also show up every now and then.

Apart from that, my favorite thing in the world is nature (speaking of that, I got this header from wallpapercave.com) and honestly, my biggest wish is to disappear into the wilderness forever.

The long-awaited finish :

Evidently, I have a huge problem with limiting how much I write, so if you managed to read till the end of this post, congratulations! You will survive the rest of my blog - as and when that happens. Enjoy (:

[beyuwol]

— special delivery, jumping out of your dreams !

on the morning of october 16, the official dream wave account neglected to message you, a clear sign that your audition to LIME ENTERTAINMENT was not successful in the end. however, another message graces your inbox from an official SR MEDIA source. it reads as follows:

HAN YUWOL,

we are pleased to contact you regarding your performance during the callback rounds of dream wave. first of all, your active participation is very much appreciated.

as a company, we value a presence that keeps audiences on the edge of their seat, eager for the next performance. to us, an idol should not only be skilled in the technical aspects, but also be able to bring attention to their stage. we make a conscious effort to encourage other endeavors, keeping a multi talented roster of capable talents. 

because of this, our evaluators don’t only look at your current skills, but also how you are able to be in the public eye and hold your ground. this is something we feel that you managed to showcase during your callback performance. we were pleasantly surprised by your take on nxde, creating a completely different concept in under 60 seconds, highlighting your creativity. that sort of artistry is something that we believe is a good fit for sr media. we also caught your dance challenge video for the waterbomb festival, and noticed you’ve kept up with your technical skills as well after the events of next gen.

in short, we would like to offer you a probationary contract in our idol trainee program.

this 90-day probationary contract can be considered a test run for both you and the company; for you to see how you like sr media and ease into our trainee program, and for the company to access your potential more carefully and see how you’re able to improve under the guidance of our well-respected talent cultivation team.

we hope that you decide to join us on this incredible journey.

regards,

hwang taemin, sr media talent acquisition representative.

[OOC]

congratulations on being offered a contract from sr media! please read till the end.

first of all, please read through the sr media probationary trainee contract. this is a 90-day contract to assess your muse’s abilities further. if they show improvement and the ability to thrive in sr media’s trainee program, this may be extended to a full trainee contract.

next, please take a look at our trainee points system! once familiarized, please feel free to message the admins if you have any questions.

should your muse decide to accept the contract, please send the following to the sr media blog no later than 11:59pm est on sunday, october 20: 

I, TRAINEE NAME HERE, HAVE READ AND AGREE TO ABIDE BY ALL TERMS OF THIS CONTRACT.

if you plan to reject this contract, do not submit anything. please post this submit as soon as you can as confirmation that you have received it (there is no requirement to write a solo in response).

once again, congratulations on your offer! please do not disclose this information with anyone else at this time, both IC and OOC. please do not post this until after the queue is done and the dreamwave results have been posted on wednesday, 9pmest as well! thank you!

[cubur]

Hello all!

Firstly I hope everyone is well and safe there! I'm fine here except that I miss some things alot... Ok, as you guys know I mentioned a while ago that I will write an article about why I haven't been active since July 3rd, what's going on and what I've been thinking so far. Yes it took me a while to feel ready (but the truth is, I wanted to give myself some time) So i think i feel ready now!

A reminder before starting, this article will be mostly personal and if you don't like "negativity" please stop reading after here !

Let me summarize everything briefly...

When I decided to draw Narusasu, no one was with me. I never thought that someone would follow and even love my art. At first I only had tumblr and twitter accounts. When someone asked me to create an Instagram account for my fanarts, I thought who would want to follow me on Instagram? Yes I probably thought that way at first because I don't trust my style, ideas, drawings. But the main point here was to have fun, right? Then yes I could take a step too... Back then I used twitter only to follow artists, and not many people knew about my arts on tumblr. But after creating also my instagram and facebook accounts i started to feel like i have more responsibilities now. People were saying they wanted to see more arts from me and that made me very happy! There's someone out there who really likes what I draw (?)

No, I never expected this much!

After that, i decided to get some commissions. And all slots taken in one day! That was great!! But all of that also meant more of responsibilities... After a while, I started preparing for snstober while I couldn't complete all the commissions yet. Because I've never participated in a challenge like this before! And I wanted to do at least a few pieces. But things just didn't go as I expected... My pc crashed suddenly as it is now. Well, I said OK! Things like this can happen. I can draw the themes I missed next month. But this time i had a serious argument with my family about it. And that made me have to cancel the plans completely. It also broke my motivation and excitement. It took me a while to get back to work but I did after all. Before long I was faced with another but serious problem that will affect my life. I involuntarily hurt myself mentally... But i managed to get past that too (also thanks to you guys) ...and by sacrificing some things. Again I said OK! I found some motivation to work again. But almost a month later my pc suddenly shut down. So now... It's been one and a half months. I don't remember any time I had to go this long. Ofcourse I'm aware that there are a thousand problems in the world! And I'm never saying I have bigger problems than anyone else. But when you read all this together, doesn't it seem strange to you too? As if someone or something is bothered by my being around and wanted me to leave... I don't know...

All I know is I'm out of patience now!!

And i can't take it anymore !

That's why I thought about quitting digital art entirely for a moment. But to be honest i can't do that... Even if i leave my fanart accounts one day, i don't feel like i can leave drawing completely...

Yes because I was already drawing something before I started drawing narusasu. And ofcourse I do the drawing for fun at some point, but also this is my job. Since I often only draw Naruto and Sasuke, some of you are talking about i can't draw girls. Ofcourse i can draw girls too, just this account was made for fanart and i'm trying to stick to my decision. And i have other art accounts that you guys don't know about. I know i never mentioned this before but here some of my other commish works:

I gave my years for this i can't give up drawing that easily... Yes, I'm telling you all this because I feel better when I share it with someone. And this is the only place where I feel like myself.

I often don't get along with my family and they don't understand me at all. So it mostly makes me feel lonely... But here I have really great and thoughtful followers! And thanks to Naruto and Sasuke i had the opportunity to meet so many great artists too!! I would never have imagined this if I hadn't joined this fandom... I owe a lot of things, i know. That's why I feel close to you guys... Yes I could go on my way without saying anything. But i can't be selfish! You guys are the ones who motivate me most of the time!

So I wanted to tell you about myself and my future thoughts (nope I won't say "my future plans" 'cause that word is cursed to me...)

This constantly breaking computer has been with me for 8 years. I know this time sounds too long. But it went by so fast for me that I didn't realize it was getting old... For the last 1 year, it doesn't want to continue with me anymore and I ignore this fact...... I'm someone who can't get used to innovations easily. When I love something I can't leave it, can't give up on it easily. But unlike me, I've seen my computer give up on me so easily... And ofcourse I'm aware that the computer is just a technological tool. But... I loved my computer... I have accomplished a lot with it! I started drawing Naruto and Sasuke first with it... I fell asleep next to it many times... I laughed, I cried... and many more things that I can't say. But just now... I hate my pc, yes! I also hate myself for loving a tech gadget!! Because it's not worth it OKAY !!! I sacrificed a lot for it, even my eyes (like many artists)!

I mean... What does "take care of yourself" actually mean?

Can we really do this or are there things we can't prevent?

Well, I've never mentioned it before but I've been getting dizzy from time to time for a long time... when I'm using my pc, drawing or doing daily work. And a few days ago i went to the doctor for it, I found out that I have astigmatism in my eyes. I didn't realize it but I've been seeing blurry all this time...and it causes dizziness. But don't worry! Now I have a pair of glasses and everything seems clearer. (Wow !) Also I have a serious problem of stress and anxiety. I tried to do many things, even yoga, but I couldn't be successful at that either. Plus, I have some physical problems i don't want to say all of them. And the main thing is that I've just seen that all this sadness/stress doesn't hurt anything or anyone except me...

"Don't think too much! Don't care too much!"

These are the things I say to myself often but I can't help it... Maybe now you think I should go see a psychologist and even think i'm crazy somehow... And maybe you are right. Because this is not the first time i hear these words. Just, I have a brain that thinks things differently. And when I express them, there can be people who don't want to understand as much as those who are understanding. This is so normal! But it also makes me feel like i'm bothering people with my thoughts... That's why I swallow my feelings. And when i do that after a while my feelings explode inside me and start to hurt me physically and emotionally.

I'm not happy.

This is the only place i feel happy. And somehow when i have to stay away from here... everything gets worse and I unintentionally hurt myself, i'm sorry.

As for the repair issue.

So as I guessed it was the motherboard. I mean motherboard is the main reason my computer shuts down. And that's why it took so long... Since it is an 8 year old computer, it was very difficult to find a suitable motherboard for other parts. The motherboard has been changed three times and it kept doing the same problem over and over, yes, so on the third motherboard it finally worked!! But I'm not as happy as you expected... Because this is much worse than my old motherboard, and it's running so loud right now. Yes i can replace the motherboard with a better one. But I also need to change the processor and ram to replace the motherboard inside now. And maybe i can do that in the future but i think i won't...

'Cause I've given up on it!

Sounds ridiculous but my sister is opening my pc everyday. Just... I can't press that power button anymore. Because now I have a fear about it... no i'm serious. I'm seriously tired of losing my files and constantly writing articles about my pc breaking down! So I decided i couldn't work with a desktop computer again for my mental health. This will be the first and last for me! So now i will try to buy a laptop... But I can't afford it right now since I spent a lot of money to get my pc back. Also, those in my country know that the technological items here are twice the price. I mean a $1000 laptop sells for around $1500/2000 here. It will take a long time... That's why I won't have time to finish some free art for a while and i'll only take commission until i buy a new pc. And since I haven't been able to finish previous commissions here for more than a year, honestly I wasn't thinking of getting commissions once again from here... But for now if i don't get commission then i can't be active here at all. So (after finishing a few pieces) i think i'll reopen commissions...if you are still interested.

So yes my pc is working now but it has had such a problem once and that doesn't mean it won't do the same problem again in the future. That's why I also prepared a plan B for myself in every situation so as not collapse mentally once again !

I REALLY don't want to make anyone worry about me... Because I know how unhealthy this is since I'm a person who worries about every single thing. Just don't please... I'm trying to be fine, I'm really trying... And look I said before that I'll come sooner or later, and I'm here now as I promised! So please don't worry !

Okay then I guess that's all I have to say...

If you've read my long weird article this far, I congratulate you !! I always appreciate your patience and understanding with me! (but you already know that) Even so, let me thank you for everything!

A month and a half may not sound like a long time, but it taught me a lot... What i want to do in the future, what i really want, what i miss, what i like, what i will never give up, what i will give up, the limit of my patience, the limit of my strength... And even though I feel tired enough to start a new page again, i think i'll start anyway. Just I know what I really want to do so I still have the strength to go on!

And so... Endless thanks to everyone who is still here with me !! 🙏

See you all asap ! ( Just I hope you haven't forgotten me and my art yet ^^; )

[versadies]

Congratulations on 7k your works are amazing and you deserve very single follower you get!❤️ In regards to the event dainsleif+windrise+prompts 1 and 10+morning & night+sunny pretty please with a lavender melon on top🫶🏾

my knight, my light (w/ gn!reader)

AIRLINE… my knight, my light (pt two of lovely man, kindly man)

STEWARD… dainsleif (w/ gn!reader)

LOCATION... windrise (secret relationship!au), 1-10 ST. “i don’t deserve you.” + "say it again." ; "...i love you", on a sunny weather in the morning till night (drabble, fluff/angst)

PLANE… fluff/angst/comfort (with happy ending), major character death (reader), reincarnation au, secret relationship au, mentions of coughing, mentions of alcohol, mentions of dainsleif being sort of insecure, ooc!dainsleif (?)

PASSENGERS… @scaraslover @saving-for-xiao @dawgimsohot @kazu-topia @chiruru @aqualesha @renamichii @mrkamisato @shenhesl0ver @serami00 @serenareiss @hiqhkey @emperatris-rinaka @bystander36 @irisxiel @ladycoleigh @034ven @dear-dairiess @owozi8 @hadesaedes @chiro-chiro-kun @hersscherofyatta @mariusvonhangme @yuzuricebun @nejibot @hoshikistarlette @solaaresque @crowbird @lordbugs @flowersforayato @headintheclouddd @estelwrld @giyusimpsassemble @irethepotatosblog @moonlightaangel @alice0blog @shotosbrainrot @sniffoat @chihawari @mxsomn @kuni-kuzushii @jiminscarmex @mitsukii14 @nejibot @ylimeprive @sachispet @loreleis-world @sn-owo @starforecasts @someonetookmynamelmao @ceylestia @lychme @ymikkos @reallysporadicarcade @melodyyamino @dudufodd

LANDING… in which he thinks you deserve better than him and still believes it after years have passed.

LUGGAGE… 1.7k words

PILOT… you can consider this connected to one of my works "lovely man, kindly man" as its prequel ! but you don’t have to read the first one to understand this fic :DD

PENPAL SERVICE... MASTERLIST || 7K MILESTONE EVENT || 7K MILESTONE MASTERLIST (coming soon) || TAGLIST

Sometimes, Dainsleif can’t help but let his inner thoughts get the best of him. 

He didn’t think he’d fall in love with someone, let alone the successor to Khaneri’ah’s throne, yet here he is, standing by your side as you chat with him in the royal ballroom with a smile on both of your faces. 

You knew it was wrong to be with the knight captain of the Royal Guard, but you still chose to be with him. The only condition you two had to take is to keep your relationship a secret, so you had to only be open to your affection inside your chambers or somewhere else where nobody can catch you two. 

It’s a condition you’re both willing to take as long as you’re together. Though, this condition didn’t stop you two from sharing lingering glances towards one another whenever you’re in public (not that people noticed, of course), nor did it stop you from brushing each other’s hands whenever you can. 

It’s clear enough for Dainsleif that you love him as much as he loves you. You’ve always been so dedicated and kind, you’re basically the sun that shines brighter than any star while he is the moon that follows you forevermore. No matter what, he’d always choose and stay by your side. 

He knows you love him, yet a pang in his chest says otherwise when he sees a man greeting you during the ball. He does not know his name, but he knows he is one important person seeing how his attire is what a noble would wear in Khaneri’ah. 

Of course, it’s normal for you to be greeted by many men and women alike in celebrations given that it’s courtesy for nobles to greet their rulers and future rulers on such occasions, so he didn’t mind it.

So why does he feel bothered? 

Was it the way he sees your parents looking at you and the man in approval as though they wouldn’t mind if that man is your suitor? Was it the way you were surprised by something he said that the knight captain didn’t manage to hear? 

Or.. Was it simply the way he agreed with some nobles who were whispering to each other about how you’d make a lovely couple with that man? 

Whatever the reason is, it made him think about some things. How would everyone feel if they happen to find out about your relationship…? Would your parents approve of him? Would everyone not mind about it? 

How strange… Just what is this feeling that’s bothering him so deeply? 

For the rest of the night, Dainsleif ponders on his feelings, conflicted of what happens to you two if people find out. 

By the time you realize there’s something that’s bothering your lover, it is when you two are finally in your chambers after the celebration, sitting on your sofa together with your head leaning against his shoulder, your outfit is changed from your formal attire to the one that’s for sleeping. 

When you were done conversing about the ball, you decided to ask him what’s on his mind.

“What’s bothering you, Dain?” You ask in a soft tone, your fingers intertwined with his that’s covered in his glove. 

He stayed quiet for a moment, “it’s nothing, just exhausted from the ball.” 

You chuckled. “You know that’s not going to fool me.” You then lift your head up and look at him, “you could always tell me when you want to. Now, what’s wrong?” 

He lets out a defeated sigh before turning to look at you as well. “You know me well.” He takes a few seconds of silence before answering your question, “You deserve better than me.” 

Your small smile drops from hearing those words coming out from the man you love, turning to his direction. “...Pardon?” 

He looks away from your stare. “I saw you and a noble together and noticed how everyone was talking about you two. It brought me to think about what could’ve happened if everyone finds out about our relationship.” He explains. “Would they have approved? Would they talk about us like how they talked about you and that man–?”

“Dain… I do deserve you, I’m grateful to have someone like you in my life and be here for me. I don’t care about what everyone would think when they find out.” You reassured him, your other hand touching his hand that’s entangled with yours as a way to comfort him. “Who cares if they don’t approve of it? Surely it won’t stop you and I from being together – they can get used to it, right?” 

“Of course it won’t,” He says, now looking at you, “but depending on their reactions, it will affect your reputation and your path to take the throne – especially if your parents will disapprove us.” 

“Then so be it. As long as you’re still here, then what more can I ask?” You respond.

He shakes his head. “( Name ), please…”

“I know, I know…” You slowly lift one of your hands up to cup his cheek. “It worries me too, sometimes. But I know that we’ll get through it together when that time comes. I’m sure I can do something should my parents disapprove.”

“Always such an optimist.” Dainsleif comments with a sigh, knowing that you won’t give up so easily. Although he still believes you truly do deserve better, he knows you won’t change anything with what you have with him. 

Perhaps.. That alone is enough for him to try and worry about the future next time. 

“Let’s continue relaxing, I’m terribly exhausted from chatting all those boring nobles earlier.” You said with a yawn, leaning your head on his shoulder once again. 

He lays his head on top of yours. “Anything for you, your highness.” 

–

As he stands by the field of dandelions, he wonders what could’ve been if he knew there was no future for the both of you to worry about. 

“I was right,” He spoke softly, watching the dandelions move with the winds, “you deserve better than me.” You deserve a better lover that everyone would approve of, you deserve a better man to be with, and you deserve a better knight who would have protected you better than him when Khaneri’ah was attacked and fell to ruins. 

“You have to go, Dain.” You coughed out as you held onto his hand weakly. “Please… Live for me.” 

“I love you, ( Name ).” He whispers in defeat, leaning his forehead against yours as you two try to ignore the chaos that surrounded you both. 

You close your eyes, a small smile forms on your face. “Say it again.” 

“I love you… I love you so so much.”  He chants those words like a prayer, as though saying it again and again would heal the major injuries that’s on you.

It didn't.

He closes his eyes when he feels a wind fly past him. He imagines it was you who did it as a way to try and comfort him, to try and let him know you’re here even when you’re gone.

It’s been so many years, yet he will never forget the love that comforts him, the voice that soothes him, the optimism that gives him hope, and everything else that’s yours. 

If you were still here, then perhaps living as a cursed immortal wouldn’t be so bad. 

If you were still here, you would’ve loved the dandelions that he sees right now. 

Soon, when time is right and when life is merciful enough, he’d be able to finally meet you again someday in whatever afterlife is. He’d be able to see your face, hear your voice, feel your warmth, and bask in your love. 

For now, he must go further on his journey.

Mondstadt isn’t far from where he is, and visiting Angel’s Share doesn’t sound so bad. So he decides that’ll be the first place he’ll go to by the time he arrives in the city of freedom. 

As he enters the tavern, he immediately orders the tavern’s strongest drink and goes towards the only table that’s not occupied. Just as he was about to sit down, he felt like his heart stopped when he heard something he never thought he’d hear for years. 

That laugh… 

Dainsleif’s eyes quickly inspects the whole room, desperately hoping that it is what he’s thinking–

His breath hitches when he sees a familiar face talking to the bartender of the tavern.

Across the room stands the person he never thought he’d see this soon, the person who he’s willing to sacrifice his life for, the person who he failed to save when everything is in chaos–

His lover, his light, you. 

It clearly isn’t you – he’s well aware of that fact alone after witnessing your tragic death in his own eyes during the cataclysm – but he knows long enough what this is. 

So people were right when they said reincarnation exists. 

He tries not to look as if he’s watching you, trying to act normal when in reality his heart is beating so fast at the sight of you. It reminded him of the old days when he admired you from afar before finding out his love is requited. 

He can’t help but feel relieved seeing how happy you looked. At least life is kind to you and gives you a life where you’re safe and happy. 

It’s best that he does not interfere in your life, knowing you’re better off without Dainsleif, knowing that you’re okay and well is enough for the knight captain to live on with his journey,

And knowing that you deserve this better than the life you had with him before.

Just as he’s about to mind his own business, he hears someone clearing their throat, causing him to look at the person in front of him in confusion. 

“Mind if I sit here, kind sir?” You ask with a polite smile. You look different wearing a Mondstadt outfit, but that doesn't mean you look horrible in it. In his eyes, you always look breathtaking. 

He hesitated for a moment, looking around his surroundings, only to realize that they’re all occupied.

“...I don’t mind.” He spoke up, gesturing you to sit down on the seat across from him. 

Perhaps it won’t hurt to at least talk to your reincarnation before he leaves… Just for tonight. 

[stellaisinlove]

Christian Yelich Imagine

Walk Off

-

I was laying on the white leather sofa in my living room as I was slowly drifting off but, I was putting all the effort in my body to stay awake and watch the last of the Brewers game. I try to watch every game that my boyfriend plays. I'm a Dodger fan, but since my boyfriend played for the Brewers I had to show that team some love too. I sat up hoping that would help me stay awake.

"And here comes Christian Yelich to the plate who is 3-3 this game, managing to get on base each time he's come to the plate, this game." I grinned looking at Christian face. When he was at the plate he always looked so focused.

"Swing and a miss. strike one!" The score of the game was 2-2 in the bottom of the ninth, Chris happened to be batting and there were already two outs. So if Christian strikes out. The Brewers have to go into extra innings.  If that's so, I would not be watching anymore and I would be going straight to sleep if Christian doesn't do something this inning.

"Swing and a miss, strike two." The commentator said.

"You know, Christian being 3-3 this game, let's hope he gets on a streak and makes it 4-4." The other commentator spoke.

Christian took a deep breath as he called for time and took a step out of the batter's box.  He placed his head on the bat and breathed in. He then swung his bat and breathed out. Christian stepped back up to the plate and nodded to the pitcher. The fans in the stadium cheered as they got up from their seats to applaud Christian

"And here comes the pitch."

Christian's bat broke as he hit the ball. He smiled brightly as he stared at the ball he just hit into the stands of left field.

"And that ball is gone! a walk-off home run for Christian Yelich!" The commentator screamed and so did the crowd. I clapped my hands as I stood up from my couch and watched my boyfriend go around the bases. His teammates were waiting for him at home plate to celebrate with him. I cheered before turning off the Tv and heading up the stairs.

I wanted to stay up till Christian got home so I could congratulate him but I physically couldn't.  I texted Christian right before turning off the light.

__________________________________________________

Chrissy 💕

Watched up till the very end. I'm so proud of you, I'll be in bed when you get here. But wake me up when you do!

Chrissy 💕

Couldn't have done it without me knowing you were watching 💓 I'll be home soon, getting in the car now!

____________________________________________

I read his message and smiled. I put my phone on the charger and tried to find a comfortable position to sleep in. I couldn't. I groaned as I sat up wondering why I was so tired five minutes ago and now I couldn't sleep. I sighed as I looked at the empty side of the bed. Christian usually filled that spot but he wouldn't be home till later. It was difficult to sleep without him around. I grinned as I grabbed one of his pillows and held onto it. I could smell him through the pillow as it was musky and smelt like mahogany. I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes. I felt more comfortable holding onto something that was of Christians.

I quickly fell asleep but was awakened by a soft tug on my shoulder. I held onto the pillow tighter before waking up and seeing Christian smiling at me with his dark brown eyes I let go of the pillow and sat up try getting out of the bed.

"No no no, don't get up." He said leaning over and giving me a hug. I wrapped my arms around him as the hug seemed to last a while. Christian had closed his eyes as he rested his chin on my shoulder and I laid my head on his shoulder. "I'm so proud of you," I whispered. He chuckled a little as he let go of the hug and looked at me.

"Thank you." He said cupping my cheek and kissing me on my soft lips. He let go of the kiss but I pulled him right back in for another one. He leaned down further, placing one of his arms next to my side to support his balance. He smelt like sweat but ignored it, I let go of the kiss but he pushed another kiss on my lips again. I smiled as I moved my hands up through his hoodie and onto his bare chest. He then let go of the kiss and looked at me then at the pillow that was next to me.

"Is that my pillow?" He asked standing up straight.

I nodded my head with a smile.

"You didn't...do...anything with it, did you?" he asked, I was confused about what he was implying. My eyes widened as I got what he meant.

"OH JESUS CHRIST! Of course, I didn't" I squealed.

He raised his eyebrows looking at me with a mischievous smirk, he thought I was lying.

"Christian! I was holding onto it so I could sleep better!" I confessed.

He only nodded his head as he laughed.

I rolled my eyes while shaking my head. I turned him around and pushed him to the bathroom. "Go shower you smell like ass."

I looked at the pillow and threw it on the ground, embarrassed that he would even think that. three seconds later, after throwing the pillow, I regretted doing that. So, I got up out of bed and picked up the pillow again. I gave it a squeeze and smelt it before placing it next to me on the bed.

I was literally using my fingers to pull my eyes lids up to prevent me from falling asleep. I wanted to see Christian one last time before I go to sleep.

Soon enough the bathroom door slid open and Christian walked out with wet hair and a towel wrapped around his waist. He was so handsome no matter how he looked.

He ruffled up his hair as I watched his every move while holding onto his pillow. He let the towel drop and slipped on some boxers. He then turned to me and grinned brightly as he saw me snuggling with his pillow.

He got inside the covers and laid on his side, looking at me. He just laid there staring at me with a smile on his face.

"What?" I asked as I was staring right at him, looking at the beautiful features on his face, like the mole on the left side of his nose or his beard stubbles. I loved everything about him.

"Just looking at how beautiful you are." He said leaning over and placing a kiss on my forehead. "Now, give me back my pillow." He said snatching it out of my hands.

"God, now it smells like you." He said lifting up his head and placing it behind him.

"You say that like it's a bad thing!"  I said sounding offended.

He gave me a look from the side of his eye with his eyebrows raised. Inferring that it was a bad thing. My jaw dropped as I slapped him on the arm.

He laughed. Christian grabbed me by my waist and pulled me in closer to him he wrapped his arms around my lower back. I rested my head on his warm bare chest.

"Isn't this better than my pillow?" He asked calmly as his hand on my back started playing with the laces on my bra, he wanted it off of me. I could hear his steady heartbeat with my ear against his chest. I slowly nodded to his question before pulling up the sheets so they would cover my shoulders. Christian gave me one last kiss on my forehead before saying the words,

"Goodnight, Y/N." He said softly and quietly.

I smiled as I held onto him tight feeling his muscles flex when doing so, "Goodnight, Christian."

[alberivh]

VEILLE CONGRATULATIONS FOR YOUR MILESTONE YOU DESERVE IT MY LOVE >_< !!!

can i request for first and last letter with childe? T^T childe has so much potential for angst,, thank you for this!! <3

The first and Last

summaries : where childe open his ‘safebox’ after a long time ever since your last appearence in his dream. and because of his undelightful sight of numbness and vulnerable feeling, he decided to read the first and the last letter from you, his dead fiancé.

character : childe x GN! Reader

contains : sickness (implementations of bronchitis), major character death, heavy angst, slight comfort/hurt, over all pure angst, mentions of losing weight.

A/N : hELLO AERI! Thank you very much for requesting this, i hope this suits your liking! (( also please do check aeri’s page @dilucbar for more interesting genshin fic and writing hehe ))

as childe breaks onto the ground of his empty mansion, his numbness began to drown him onto an exhaustion. An empty exhaustion to be exact. A simple pushed-over of his feelings are now an inexistent memory of his, he used to be so bright, but now, What happened to those charming smiles of his? Could it be burned by your ashes? Or did he just simply forgot how to provide his mistakes to love you? He doesn’t know either, All he could felt are just a simple empty tears, scrolling down through his cheekbones. making it seems like he still hide an emotions underneath the crack of his facades.

he drags his body into his bedroom. It’s heavy feelings occurs his way onto his side of the bed, drowning it scents onto his nose. It was pretty messy, full of untidied shirt, fragrance of a dandelion parfume, and most of all, which has always been in a perfect shape and form, covered by a red ribbon, a small box has been in ‘that’ bedside for about 237th days now. The box was an unpleasant sight for him, it was a remembrance for him to realize you were gone and you couldn’t be back. After all death have always craved those who loved him forever and after.

so tonight he decided to open this box. To bring back his vulnerable emotions back. to bring back those glazing eyes of his when he saw you buried underneath the rock of your tombstone. Numb and sorrow are all he could felt, excitement while opening this treasure of his lover pieces are nothing more than a natural hunch of his nature.

The box are full of your handwritten letters you’ve left for him. You’ve always collected the copied of your letter into this old wooden-tile box incase if anything happens to you, he could recollect his memory to remembered you again. ‘In the old days, if you lost your track, find me again through this box darling, sincerely, (name).’ Written in the top of the box instruction. He opens through the first letter of the stockpiles , it was one of your first letter for him. The most memorable one in fact. Written in the most familiar and comforting handwriting he has missed for ages.

to my dearest, ajax.

I haven’t seen you in ages, where have you been? Have you had a good time with the new recruits? Are you feeling well? Do you have any new interest while exploring the inner city of fontaine? AHH I HAVE SO MANY QUESTION FOR YOU, YOU SHOULD JUST BE BACK SO I COULD INTEROGATE YOU MOREE,, I was about to surprised you back then with a classic snzehnayan dish you’ve always craved for, but you know.. you just disappeared to a dust and it make me thinks you are a hallucination of mine, but now i’ve heard you have an amazing time in fontaine, i couldn’t help but smile and feel relieved. i’m glad you had a great time darling, Really glad in fact!

So please do bring me some souvenir as a return of your..compensation for keeping me waiting hehe, i’ll see you soon then!

from, your lover, (name)

It was your last letter you’ve sent to your lover, before childe came screaming on your name at the emergency room, searching for your figure to be embrace in his arm. To comfort you he said, despite the worries and sweats he witness while in his way to check your structure, you’re his fiance after all, He couldn’t lose you for everything, childe is too selfish to expect the best of you.

He remembers when he was feeding you, taking care of you like another baby-sibling of his and still loves you nonetheless. Maybe only childe could do it, he prepared everything for you, leading you with the wheelchair or even hand carry you in one arm if your condition lead you to be more clingy to him. He does it all for you, for you to be happy and stay a little bit more longer than he expected to be. Just for you to be more selfish, so death could wait longer for your arrival.

Bronchitis is the name of the disease, a deadly one in fact. If it were not taken care of, maybe you were already dead by now. Maybe it would be pointless for childe to scream your name in the emergency room, searching for you, anyone but you.

as you were coughing in his arms ; making many form of mucus in your lungs, while he carries you in his shoulder, patting your back so you could feel much more in ease. You feel so light now and you’ve lost so many weight, it worries him to the edge. Though your tenderness have always lingers onto his body, it still stressed him, you’re not supposed to be gone this fast, you’re supposed to be alive and well. Let him die, he is a murderer of the innocence yet he still live long and well. How ironic it is for the sinner to always stand as the first and the last?

“ajax..i’ve prepared so many things for you, these past days..though i would say i’m still scared of letting you go..”

“Hmm..and why is it my love?” , curious and in interest of knowing much more of your recent condition, he asked you straightforwardly. Voice gone anxious and body became colder than before, you find it precious how he always prioritize you over everything.

“i just don’t want to die..i don’t want to..this breathing ventilator sucks..i really want to be with you ajax, i really want to..” you were sobbing in his jacket, hiding your face in his embrace, not wanting him to see the awful side of you for being too egoistic for your own stability.

“just, ajax..if i left you..please take that box i’ve always brought..read the last letter if you’re ready..i loved you…so much..”

you’re lost in the snow, starting your new ways in heaven. Leaving him behind ; alone. even after encouraging you to stay longer than he will, though if he think it again, it was all a bullshit for you to stay. now, he is ready to witness the pieces of you he always wanted to knew, a new pieces of you to be loved again by him. Just please let it be a decent farewell, he didn’t ask for more, but just a decent love and farewell are all he could ask for.

opening in terror of expectation. he found himself to be quite charmed by the appearence of this letter. Sniffs and sobs crawling down to his cheeksbone, making it seems like he was finally reaching his emotions after the emptiness he felt these past seconds.

to, my dearest, ajax.

Ajax, You probably read this when i’m already gone. It might be hard to move on and live another life, still I hope your managing well in your current life, i’ll always look upon you my love. Just please do not harm yourself, i’ve always been worried about you since i lay in this painfully awful bed. So please, would you keep it mind..? i loved you so much that i have no hesitation to continue to love you more in the afterlife. I’m just too selfish for you, for you to withess nor to love.

I don’t think i’ll be able to send you all of my letters for you in this box i’ve always treasured. Though i have certain thoughts to be filled when i wrote this letter. I know i haven’t been a good lover for you, you’ve always taken care of me and i could only nod in gratitude. I really wish the god’s gave me two chance to live with you again, just for myself to stay even if it pains me. I don’t want to die, i don’t want to. I hope i could live another day everytime i sleep in your arms, i don’t want to lose another person because my time has losen up. I regretted this, everything.

And if in another life i could called you by your name again. Please do recognize me as your old lover. Thoug if it meant for me to forget about you, at least those deja vu from our past could bring you back to me. I do not beg for more sympathy from you, you’re too precious for me. You shouldn’t have suffer this much because of me. I loved you ajax. even if it were only the last chance for you to met me again in your dream or hallucination. I wish you a farewell, a pleasing farewell. I couldn’t bare someone to hurt because of their lost, just because i’m not strong enough to stay with you and outlived you.

Ah and remember the souvenir you gave to me from fontaine? i’ve always used it ever since you gave it to me. I don’t know if you realized it or not, but this gift from you have always been one of my comfort, it was the only pieces of you that i could remember when you were not here with me. I have no regrets that i still could hold into it until my death. So take it, it could be the only remembrance of me till the end of the 100 years of your life.

So ajax, know your worth. You are far from perfect yet the sight of you have always been one of the reason i’m alive. Don’t be too selfish to give someone a chance to survive, live well and die well. You’ve always have been my last memory of the lover i clearly love wholeheartedly. Love yourself for me, for you, and for the others who listen to your pleas. Found me again in the afterlife won’t you? I love you.

from, your old lover, (name).

he was crying in tears of hopeless numbness and sorrow. How many times has he been cussing a ‘fuck’ out of his mouth? He doesn’t even know, He lost count. He was crying in the ground, leaving puffy cheeks and eyes behind. your words are too much for him to bare. You are too kind for him, too much for him. The grief of losing you are already too much for him to bare. He doesn’t want to remember you are dead, he just wants to remember how much you loved him. It comforted him, always have been. But now you’re gone, he could only hold into the tiny box of his lovers oath. It’s a curse to be loved by you.

[leejieun]

220918 IU opens up about her ear condition, gratitude towards UAENA, future resolution and promises during day 2 concert encore

Translated by: IUteamstarcandy

Truthfully, today's concert was a little tough for me. Usually I find the first days of my show harder since I would've gotten used to the route and become less nervous on the second day. And even if my voice got hoarse, I'd still be able to put on the show in a more relaxed state.

However there is actually a slight problem with my ear, so I was nervous while preparing for this concert. It's not serious but... I haven't been able to control my ear since around a year ago, so I thought, "Ah, it's really just me that needs to do well for this concert. Even if my voice gets hoarse from singing, I know I'll work it out no matter what, even if it means grinding my body to do it (T/L note: a slang for giving one's best). So I just need my ears to be fine on that day." Fortunately, thoug hthere was a concert yesterday, my voice condition still managed to keep up nicely today... But near the end of yesterday's concert, my ear (condition) worsened slightly. So since last night till today's rehearsal session, it's been like a hell for me throughout the day. From yesterday to today.

With that, I got up on stage and kicked off today's show with the opening song not knowing how things would turn out. I know I say this every time, but I truly mean it whenever I say it. I really think that today's show was made by you guys. Seriously, you guys did everything. Thank you so much.

You have your mask on and the music volume is so loud in here, so it could've been hard for you to follow. But these great support and heart of yours that scream "congratulations on becoming a singer that is able to put up a show this big!", I could feel it so deeply. Honestly I was struggling to hear properly today. It wasn't because of my ear, but simply due to the size of the venue that makes me hard to monitor. But despite performing in such tough circumstances, I find it so fascinating that I am able to feel as happy as all of you. I bet some of you here have attended my concert multiple times, so you could honestly read me from my facial expressions, that 'IU is doing her best and giving her all to smile! She must be truly blissed out!' I know you guys can sense it as fans, so I bet you also sensed ths today, that... Well of course, because I have a huge crowd present today, you could probably see that I'm more focused like this /frowns/ and trying harder than usual. But the smile on my face and the words that I've spoken, and every consonant and vowel coming from me have been genuine today. The phrase 'thank you' seems to little to fully express my feelings. The phrase 'I love you' is too small, 'thank you' is too small as well, and same goes for 'I'm sorry'. Such feelings that couldn't be fully expressed, I think I could feel it on this final day of my concert. Seriously (to the 3rd floor audience), you might think you're far away but it's not the case for me at all. So much (support from you) that I could feel the audience on the third floor love me as well. I was really fascinated thinking, "so this is actually possible...!" and spent three hours like this today.

And through today's concert, I think I will sing harder with a more humble mindset in the future. I mentioned this yesterday too, but I thought this concert might be the final destination of things I dreamt of and wanted to challenge myself to since my teenage years. Honestly, I've never dreamt of performing on such a huge stage in the first place, even since I was a trainee. But I somehow made it this far with the help of my ancestral gods (laughs). I'll engrave today's memory, of how you always cheer me on while I'm on stage, deeply in my heart and go on for another 14 years with a more humble heart.

The final song is a really challenging one too. Since my voice condition is different from yesterday, I'm going to try my best to concentrate and sing it. A lot of people said they were comforted by this song, so I want to sing this really well. I shall sing 'My Sea' as the final song and bid you farewell. I promise you that our next meeting won't take as long as three years.

[russilton]

mannn I'm the a/b/o anon, and congratulations, just read your snippet from the touch G&L fic and now you got me addicted to another serie. It truly felt like being with George in his new cockpit and also the sensations he had towards Lewis were pretty much on point. More please! More of everything! Lol

I’m so glad! I am obsessed with touch, I love writing about the intimacy of tactile contact and how little things can snowball into more.

You get another snippet! Because I’ve been so deep in finishing fuckboy fic I haven’t had time to write for other asks yet, but there’s 15k of this fic waiting, and a lot of it won’t be spoilery

The scene directly following this one below the cut! Be warned, It’s lots of new team George whump.

The longer George spends at Brackley after that, settling into this somewhat new team dynamic, the more he relaxes. It’s odd, he’s been a part of the Mercedes’ family since he was 15, has spent plenty of time here, and in their cars. But this is different, he’s in the true spotlight now, the highest seat he can achieve as a driver. There was still an undercurrent of nervous anxiety that came with a change this big, especially to a team as powerful and precise as Mercedes’, but his time at Williams at least meant he wasn't walking into a complete unknown.

Sometimes he feels like half of his days are spent observing this odd Mercedes’ ecosystem in action. He had been given glimpses before, small glances into a well oiled machine, but it was a lot different to be submerged in the gears yourself. Toto had told him before about how Mercedes functioned as a family as much as it was a team, and he can really see it now. There are in-jokes, everyone knows one another, from race strategists down to custodial staff. In a sense, they are bonded by drive, facing down new unknown regulations feels oppressive some days but George can tell how eager the engineers are to try and tackle a challenge. Fresh off the unacceptable end to the previous season, anyone with eyes could see how Mercedes are itching to enact some kind of revenge, something to soothe the sting of an unfair loss. For a while he’s swept up in the adrenaline of it, the team spirit is infectious after all, but as the reveal of the W13 creeps closer, doubt begins to sink its claws into his back.

While everyone had done their best to make him feel encouraged, George was immensely aware of the high standards he has to live up to. It’s hard not to, Valterri’s time at Mercedes was impressively archived at every turn. Photos, trophies, keepsakes from his time providing crucial support to Lewis. He knows how fond of the Finn many in the team still are, he’s lost count of how many group photos there are, adorning the walls. He had a fair amount of love for the man himself. Despite occasional tussles on track, in a way Valtteri had paved the road George was walking on. Sometimes he catches himself staring at where Valtteri beams among the team photos, tracing where his predecessor fits into the team like a perfect puzzle piece. On other days, George can’t bear to look at them, his skin crawling with anxiety.

What must they think of him, the new driver the team are gambling on. The stakes are higher than ever, and feels woefully out of place, his anxiety and uncertainty clashing harshly with the aloof and manicured reputation of the Silver Arrows. He has to do well, he can’t truly feel like he belongs till he proves to them that he is worth the risk. He’s been training for this for years, they know him, and they expect the best from him. He’s also the first Mercedes junior to be allowed into the seat; all eyes are on him. He doesn’t want to be the mistake that brings them down, Redbull had proved more than once the curse of not having a solid second seat driver can cling for years.

To try and dilute the cloying feeling of worry, George throws himself into the simulator. He spends as long as he can manage each day trying to explore every inch of the virtual version of the car, hopeful the feedback he’s providing the sim operator will be of use, so that he can pull his own weight.

On one of those long days he’s hunched forward in his seat rubbing furiously at tired eyes through his flipped up visor, giving himself a moment to breath before he has to climb out of the car to debrief, when a strong hand lands on his shoulder and squeezes. George manages to prevent himself slamming his head into back support as he looks up in shock, not aware anyone had entered the room with him. He’s met with the kind eyes, and the jauntily raised eyebrow of his teammate (team mate, he’s not sure he’ll ever get used to the fluttery feeling of getting to call Lewis his team mate).

“Working late?” Lewis asks, George can hear a teasing lilt in his voice. “Careful you don’t push it, you won’t be of any use in debrief if you’re falling asleep at the table”

The warm weight of Lewis’s hand is still steady on his shoulder, firm and grounding, and George feels the momentary adrenaline of being surprised replace itself with aching exhaustion. Yet it doesn’t overtake him, as he allows himself just briefly to lean into the contact, choosing for now to ignore the effect such a simple gesture is having on his brain.

Whilst he knew Lewis was working as diligently as he was on the car, George was surprised how little he’d seen the older man. George often only found out Lewis had been in when he was leaving, and whilst part of him felt sad that he had missed Lewis, it also left less opurtunities for him to make a fool of himself.

Like right now.

“Oh uh, yeah, I was just testing something one of the engineers thought of, trying to be useful y’know?” As soon as the words leave his mouth he can see Lewis’s expression tinge with concern, and he curses the filter between his brain and mouth that must have eroded somewhere in the last several hours of calculating turns and testing downforce. He looks at the sims wheel again, already worrying Lewis will think he’s fishing for compliments when he’s stopped by the hand on his shoulder squeezing again.

“Come on, I think I saw Ivo yawning when I came in, they should let you free now” somehow Lewis’ voice is both joking and achingly gentle, and George lets it sink into his over tired muscles as he tugs the helmet off his head, sweaty hair clinging to his forehead despite the coolness of the room itself. He almost hesitates when he sees the hand that was on his shoulder now stretched out and inviting, but instead he takes it, letting tiredness ward off any lingering worry.

Unsurprisingly, Lewis’s hand is warm in his. Calloused, large fingers wrap around George’s long thin ones, and he tugs George upright, letting go when he is standing again. George doesn’t even have time to miss the feeling before the heavy helmet is tugged gently out of his other hand and a palm lands squarely between his shoulder blades, encouraging him to climb out of the car and stabilising him when George’s legs shake from the combined sensation of being able to stretch out and release tension from hours of attacking the curves of digital road.

“I know that feeling, How long have you been in here?” Lewis asks, his hand hasn’t moved from George’s back, even as George leans into the side of the simulator car. Bracing himself with hands either side of his hips as he tries to gather his frazzled thoughts

“I’m… not entirely sure? I think the sun was still up when I came in” George jokes back, and he hears Lewis huff an amused exhale. The hand on his back starts to rub slow circles and George wants to arch into the feeling like a cat, he settles instead on leaning into It ever so slightly, trying to convey silent thanks.

They’re both quiet for a moment, the only noise in the room the sound of fabric shifting as Lewis keeps up a calming rhythm. It should be awkward, but it isn’t, and George lets his eyes shut for a minute.

“George, is everything alright? I can’t say I haven’t done some long hours in here myself, but you look shattered, man. Nobody will be mad if you take a day off y’know”

It’s a joke, George knows it is, but he can’t bring himself to laugh, the anxiety won’t leave him be anymore, he can’t suppress it.

“What if I’m not good enough?”

He feels Lewis’ hand stop moving. Part of George regrets being so honest with Lewis, they barely know each other. But at the same time he feels some of the tension from hiding unwind in his gut, letting him breathe just a little easier.

“Did someone say you aren’t? Someone in the team? The media? It’s all bullshit, George-“ Lewis sounds quietly angry, a fire in his voice usually reserved for when another car has done something stupid on track, but George cuts him off with a quick head shake.

“No, well the Daily Mail maybe but even I know not to read that” that gets an amused snort from Lewis, some of the tight energy in his shoulders dropping away. He lets George continue, and it all comes spilling out.

“The team has been great, honestly everyone is so welcoming, and passionate. But that’s the thing-

What if I let them down? They’re used to Valtteri Bottas, I’m just some guy from Williams who only scored his first points last year”

I know how many people are taking a gamble on me, even more so this year, they spent years designing this car and now I show up, what if I can’t do what you all need?

This is the biggest opportunity I’ve ever had, I want to prove that they made the right choice. Clocking laps in the simulator at least makes me feel like I’m doing something”

The room is silent once again, the weight of George’s confession heavy in the air. Distantly George wonders if Ivo really is asleep next door, or just choosing politely not to eavesdrop.

“Have you talked to Toto about this?” Lewis asks quietly

“No, everyone has been so busy preparing for the release. I don’t think Toto would appreciate playing therapist right now”

“You’d be surprised.” Lewis looks like he’s lost in a thought for a second before he looks at George again. Distantly, George realises this is the closest they’ve ever been, close enough for Lewis to touch him without stretching. George can smell what he thinks is his aftershave from here. He can even make out the beginnings of the tattoo on Lewis’ neck, black feathers stretching up towards the silver earring that glints in the low light. He wonders how he must look in comparison, sweaty and with bruises under his eyes probably.

“You’re enough, George. More than enough. I don’t imagine they told you, but we tried to ask for you in 2021 you know?”

George didn’t know that, and his face must show his incredulous shock, because Lewis continues.

“You were doing so well, but Williams wouldn’t break your contract. I love Valtteri, I wouldn’t have won some of the years we raced together without him. But you’re different George. You’re still hungry. The way you took to the car in Bahrain while I was sick had the factory buzzing for weeks”

“But that was 2020, this is a whole new car-“ This time it’s Lewis’ turn to cut him off, waving the hand not still pressed to George’s back.

“Doesn’t matter, we saw how hard you worked, George. That’s the kind of person we want here. Don’t forget you’re taking a chance on us too. With a drive like yours? I don’t think you’d struggle to get a seat and Mclaren or even one of the Redbulls”

George snorts and raises an eyebrow at Lewis, but the look he gets back is steady and serious.

“Mercedes is a family, George. We don’t throw people out for not adjusting immediately. Toto picked you because he wanted you here. I wanted you here”

The final revelation is a surprise, and George’s breath hitches. They want him. They want George as their driver. Lewis wants him as his team mate. He feels overwhelmed, emotions swirling and fighting to be heard over one another. He wants so badly to believe Lewis. He wants them to want him.

“I’m sorry we haven’t been making you feel welcome, that I haven’t been around to help” George opens his mouth to protest, It’s understandable Lewis needed a break after Abu Dahbi, but Lewis shakes his head and stops him.

“I can’t change the past, neither can you. But moving forward just know, you don’t have to prove yourself. You already did.

Lewis squeezes his shoulder once more, and George tries not to think about the ache returning to his bones as Lewis pulls away. He feels better, though, the soreness of the sim muffled by that fleeting fuzzy sensation. The same one he felt when Lewis winked at him during his seat fitting. George knows distantly what it is, but he doesn’t want to think about it. He's scared it might ruin this new thing before it’s even truly begun.

“Go home, get some rest, George. See you here tomorrow? I could use someone to compare times with” he’s grinning at George again already moving on from the seriousness of their prior conversation. George’s stomach flutters. George grabs his helmet, not feeling quite as heavy as it did before, and follows Lewis out of the room.

“Only if you bring Coffee. Bono told me you had a secret stash of the good stuff” Lewis lets out a surprised laugh, and George’s heart twists, bathed in the new, warm feeling of Lewis’ attention.