beyuwol

[beyuwol]

“really?” yuwol isn’t surprised when noel shares with him that he has a significant amount of experience on the ice rink. to be honest, at this point, yuwol thinks noel is capable of doing most things—anything really. “did you take… professional lessons, or something of the sort?” that seems entirely possible, noel seems to be having a breezing time on the rink with no qualms whatsoever. it’ll take a long while before yuwol is able to feel that way also. for now, he’ll be a struggling mess on the rink.

honestly, he feels kind of bad that noel has to essentially babysit him. it’s not like he wants noel to stick to him like glue just because yuwol can’t be independent on the ice rink. he has a feeling if he says all this, noel would just deny it though. because noel is a nice person. “you really don’t have to… i don’t want to get in the way of your fun,” yuwol replies.

regardless, yuwol decides to take noel’s hand anyway, since noel is offering. if he refuses, it’ll be rude—that, and he feels like he’ll lose balance sooner or later even if he’s clinging onto the ice rink’s railings. he has to let go at some point, actually explore the rink itself. “thank you…” he says to noel, unable to stop himself from lightly squeezing noel’s hand as he lets go of the railing.

beyuwol

yuwol doesn't know much about skating. it wasn't one of the hobbies that he'd allow himself to partake in that often. honestly, yuwol had never properly skated in his entire life. he doesn't know how he has lived a rather long life into his twenties without ever touching the ice rink, but he managed to do it regardless. he couldn't avoid it forever though, because now he's right here, with noel, making a fool of himself. he doesn't know what he's doing, he feels like his limbs are flailing about in a manner that is far from graceful. he's not excited about this, but he is determined to try something new too. this is one of those things. "yeah i never have... somehow," yuwol explains, eyes locked onto the ice below him. an automatic reaction to being on the ice. "is it really that fun...?" he questions, not to argue, but simply because he doesn't see what's fun about this yet. "you seem rather natural with this," yuwol comments. "i wouldn't want to impose..." despite saying this, yuwol knows it'll only be about time until he'd have to fully rely on noel. he's still holding onto the railings, for now. "i feel... a little nervous to let go of the railings," he admits, moving at a snail's pace.

noel wishes he had more time to spend at the ice rink, but he’s a busy man. he’s recently quit his many part-time jobs to focus solely on trainee life, but he hasn’t really gotten less busy. being added to project green has made him busy, he spends a lot of time at the practice room, more than he used to. he’s busy improving his skills and getting ready to perform at the christmas concert, still though, he’s attempted his best to find time for other things like his hobbies and friends.

“i think it’s fun” he nods “but i’ve been ice skating for a long time, it might be more fun when you know what you’re doing and not just holding onto the railing and falling all the time” he shrugs, though truthfully, noel has never sucked at ice skating, it came quick to him and he was rather good at his first time.

“understandable”, “but the fun part is when you’re not holding onto the railing”. “here” he stretches out both of his hands “hold my hands and i’ll slowly drag you along the ice” he shows a smile to the other.

[beyuwol]

yuwol nods along as jaesung speaks, hoping the conversation servers as some sort of catalyst for jaesung to talk his feelings through. he never imagined that he would ever be in a position that allows him to—in his understanding, at least—attempt to help someone else. admittedly, he doesn’t exactly know what he’s doing, but he’s glad that it at least seems to be working with jaesung.

solidarity can do wonders, yuwol finds out. as jaesung breathes out in what yuwol thinks is some form of relief, yuwol thinks he’s doing something right by approaching the other. jaesung seems to he opening up a bit, sharing his concerns with yuwol. “hey, everyone has to start somewhere… and besides, it’s not that you’re completely lacking in skills, right? they wouldn’t have signed you otherwise.” he knows that much, after all. he hopes jaesung doesn’t feel himself completely behind everyone else.

“oh, ballet.” yuwol nods again. “you might be a much more experienced dancer compared to me, then…” yuwol thinks back to the days when he couldn’t dance—becoming a point of ridicule in a survival show, until he starts working on that skill in particular, among others. “i hope you can show me your ballet some other day then. besides, i’m sure that will become useful later down the road.” he can’t imagine that it would be a burden, at least. it’s a good asset to have. “for me, before all this… i was just a violinist.” just was an understatement—but yuwol always speaks that way about himself.

jaesung feels better with yuwol checking in on him. just being thrust into being a trainee already and then having to perform is a lot. he hasn't even gotten to familiarize himself with trainee life yet and here he was, already doing a concert with everyone else. he hadn't even really met all the trainees at sr media yet. he almost wanted to panic but he just went with the flow of everything. it would be experience at the end of the day and he was glad for that at least.

"that's true," jae breathes out. "i'm glad i get to be beside everyone else though." sure he wouldn't be doing the performance with the rest of the male trainees but he's not disappointed. "yeah? i feel like i don't have as much skill as everyone else yet." he mutters. "it does! i thought i'd be performing in a few months at least."

listening intently, jae keeps his gaze on yuwol. "ah, so this is different for sure. it's gonna be an experience for sure." he feels the one time he actually sang was back during an event. he never let himself since in front of many others but he's gonna have to start doing so now especially if he wants to be an idol one day. "hmm, i only sang once during an event in the past where i sang solo. i used to do a lot of ballet recitals back in high school so this is so different."

[beyuwol]

it's a little funny, how his perception on things could change, just by hanging around a different crowd. one person, in particular, has given him fonder memories of the winter time. no longer it is an elongated season filled with nothing but sorrow loneliness. it's slightly different now—eternity is never certain, yuwol thinks he can live day to day with just this though. right now, it's enough.

he hears luciel tell him good luck, which causes yuwol to turn towards him a little puzzled. "thank you, but you're the one in project green..." yuwol mumbles, loud enough for luciel to hear. he knows not everyone should hear about this after all, he has enough self awareness. "if anything, i should be wishing you good luck," he replies, letting out a small laugh himself.

"i... understand that." a little too well, at times, the voices in his head causing him to dig his nails into his palm. that's probably why he knew the state of luciel when he approached—maybe he didn't want luciel to go through that alone. who knows. "i'm not the best at keeping in touch by text messages in the first place," yuwol warns beforehand. "i don't mind, though. do you... want my number?"

luciel slowly blinks at that, somehow, despite the chilling cold, the boy has a tinge of warmth to him. he too, takes a look at the snow beneath their feet. it’s pretty, white and pure—and yet also so easy for it to be tainted with dirt, then fading away, as if it never existed in the first place. beautiful things don’t last forever.

to him, at least.

it’s been months since he first became a trainee, but luciel still hasn’t gotten used to the workload, especially since he’s in a debut project now. his schedule will only grow even tighter in the future. “right? good luck, yuwol-ssi. take care of yourself when you can,” he tells him. it’s something that anyone will tell him, or even something he’s grown tired of hearing, but this at least, he’s earnest about it.

“haha, not really,” a soft, dry laugh. “the voices in my head can get too loud, sometimes.” unnecessary thoughts can overflow his mind often, it’s one of the reasons why he can almost never get good enough sleep. “besides, we haven’t chatted in a while. it’s nice to see you again.” simple pleasantries, once again. “i don’t think i’ve ever got your number,” he says after a while.

[beyuwol]

coming from someone who knew nothing about the idol world when he signed up for a survival show, yuwol didn't think he would get that far. it feels like only yesterday that he just got signed, after falling short on next gen and being imprisoned within the walls of his own home. now, he's able to perform as a part of axis labels—not just as a contestant, but as a developing trainee working on his skills. hopefully, this is a good sign. he's not sure, thoughts often filled with negatives he can't control, pointing out his every flaw at each turn. it's nice to have something to strive for though.

most of all, as selfish as it may be, yuwol is delighted that he's able to go through this experience with kou. there's a small part of him, loud and vicious, that tells him he's too dependent on the other boy—clinging so desperately on another human being never does any good, it's probably unhealthy on yuwol's part, but kou breaths life into him in ways nothing else ever could. being a member of sr media's roster alongside kou feels like a blessing of sorts, he wonders whether he'd be able to do this if kou wasn't here. if it's even possible for yuwol to keep himself sane without kou.

as kou leans towards him to grant yuwol easier access to his head, yuwol summarizes that he probably wouldn't be able to keep a rational mind if he was signed anywhere else but sr media. it doesn't feel like something that he can do without kou, even though he thinks kou would disagree. he doesn't want to be apart from kou—how selfish and dangerous he has become, he thinks.

nevertheless, a smile graces yuwol's lips as he watches kou duck under the towel. cute, yuwol thinks to himself, an image of a cat appearing in his head once more. it happens often around kou, a lover of cats himself. he believes he can watch kou like this for a long time, never getting bored, fulfilled just being within kou's vicinity. is that selfish of him too?

"you're the one who was always shining to me," yuwol replies, letting out a gentle and light laugh as he shakes his head a little. "i always loved watching you on stage, on your guitar... holding it like it's your lover," he whispers, knowing that his words may rouse suspicion if they were to fall upon anyone else's ears. "i'm not sure i'll do good... but i want to, because i'll be sharing a stage with you."

it's enough, for yuwol. it's more than enough, really. "i think, once i know what it feels like to share a stage with you... i'd want it, again and again. to be with you, like that," he says under his breath, leaning closer to kou's ear so that no one else can hear. "is that... selfish of me? to want something so intimate... with you, and just you."

kou isn't exactly any stranger when it comes to performing on stage, in front of a crowd. though of course, the last time he'd done so in public he stood behind a guitar, singing from time to time. that was when he'd felt the most comfortable, the most at peace with himself and the world. that was also how he'd met yuwol – at a random performance one night in japan.

it's a little funny, really. kou hadn't planned on falling in love with yuwol, after all the both of them had been promised to another when they'd first gotten acquainted – yet here he was, irrevocably in love with the boy in front of him as they practiced to perform a stage together. it feels a little full circle.

he doesn't think much about the christmas performance, aside from the fact that he's gotten quite a bit of vocal parts, and that he'll be sharing a stage with yuwol. he practices like he usually would, and finds himself drenched in sweat. he feels like a wet cat, and kou hates being wet. he makes a face as he sits across the mirror. he could grab a towel – he should grab a towel – but it's so far. maybe the air conditioner will dry him up quickly and he'll no longer feel like a sopping wet mes – "oh."

it's almost instantaneous as he tilts his head downwards to give yuwol easier access to his head. it's not like yuwol is any stranger to drying kou off before, and kou has always allowed himself to be spoiled by yuwol. just yuwol.

his eyes flutter shut for a few seconds as he relishes in the comfort of yuwol's warmth against his head, and the proximity of the older boy. how nice. he wishes it could be this way forever, but after next gen he's decided to be careful with the very few wishes he'd hold close to his heart.

"thanks," he grabs yuwol's bottle and takes a few sips; by now the swapping of saliva between the two of them barely an issue. "yeah, it's tiring," he says, scrunching his nose. but his anxiety regarding the public performance is the last thing on his mind, if anything he's simply thinking about yuwol. "it feels crazy to me," he begins, turning to look at his ... friend ( if that was what they were. he's not too sure either. two people that shared the same form of affection, but neither taking the step forward ), "that i'll be performing with you. that we're sharing a stage," he pauses for a moment as he imagines the scene briefly. "it feels intimate, like i'm sharing a space with you for everyone to see. you were shining to me, on next gen, but ever since then i've always wondered how bright you'd look from the stage itself."

[beyuwol]

“that’s true…” yuwol mutters under his breath, mostly to himself, but he thinks chaerin is able to hear him. “what about you…?” he starts off, unsure how to go about this line of questioning without sounding utterly obvious, but if he doesn’t try then it’ll all be for naught. maybe he should make it sound casual somehow though, despite knowing he probably wouldn’t sound that casual in the first place. whatever—the more he overthinks it the more it’ll look worse!

“do you also collect scarves?” he asks, hoping it sounds like a simple inquiry that doesn’t imply any other motivation. “i’m pretty sure i only have… the same ones i’ve been using for years,” he admits, opening up as a slight distraction. “if you do, is there a colour you don’t already have?” okay, maybe that one was a little too on the nose.

time for another distraction! “i’ll keep that for future reference,” yuwol replies, thinking about the classes. he does find the idea appealing, if only so he’d have something else to do other than training and the recitals his parents still make him do—besides, there’s never anything wrong with working on a brand new skill! it’s only recently that he realizes it helps, especially mentally.

“it would probably be too last minute if i start now though.” he doubts he could learn that quickly, he thinks he’s rather clumsy too. “for next year, however… that’s a good idea, thank you.” he says, a small smile on his face. hopefully by next year, yuwol’s gift-giving skills would have a significant upgrade.

buying holiday gifts was always a challenge. chaerin was on team every gift is special as long as your thought is put into it, but she knew that wasn't the case for everybody. the mere thought of somebody spending their time to get anything for her was meaningful enough, and she thinks the world would be easier if everybody was on that same boat with her.

nevertheless, that's why she doesn't say no when yuwol asks to go shopping with her. perhaps he needed some extra advice on what to get for a friend, and she loved being a source of help. "right? and with more colors you have, the more outfits you can match them with!" chaerin was guilty of having one too many scarves herself.

"while that may be the case, everybody's busy these days. it's the thought that counts at the end of the day! but if you really want to give something handmade, maybe you can take one of those one day classes that are always held in hongdae? you know, build a mug or just paint something?"

chaerin thinks she'd be a little more help if yuwol told her who he was shopping for, but she didn't want to dig that out of him. that's why she was just throwing out generic ideas that she believes anybody would like. "what about you? is there anything you'd like for this christmas? that could be a good place to start as well!"

[beyuwol]

maybe back then, yuwol would answer with something else, he’d share the same sentiment that luciel is thinking now—it’s too cold, he feels like he’s forever stuck in a shrinking glass case where winter seems endless. now though. his way of thinking has changed slightly. while the shiver he feels in this weather amidst the changing seasons isn’t ideal, it isn’t… horrible.

“not really,” he decides to say as he’s letting out a breath. the snow crumples easily under his feet, but it’s impossible to get rid of everything. not under these circumstances, he thinks. “it isn’t too bad though. it’s… pretty,” he replies, looking at the imprints of his foot as he moves to the side. it’ll disappear eventually, a temporary mark.

luciel directs another question in yuwol’s direction, another reminder of his incredibly tight schedule, made worse by his parents’ demands to continue the activities he already has. if not, increase them. “it’s tiring,” he admits aloud. even after getting himself signed, the load that sits on his shoulders hadn’t lessened. still, he thinks he can do it. probably.

“keeping busy does mean even less time… alone with my own thoughts,” he says, his eyes flickering towards luciel. “was i interrupting… your alone time? should i have looked the other way?”

it took a long time for luciel to figure out that he has some sort of odd sensitivity to voices, he blinks when he hears someone speaking to him, turning around with a slight surprise on his face. with other kinds of sounds, like footsteps, traffic noise, or a phone ringing—he’s usually unaffected by them. besides, he didn’t expect for anyone familiar to call out to him at this time, maybe that’s another factor to consider.

“not quite. it’s too… cold, for me,” he answers, in a rather visibly tired tone. still, he lets out a small smile, for appearances, a habit he cannot let go of. “you don’t like it either?” he returns the question.

each time luciel crosses paths with yuwol, he notices how the boy has started to open up, bit by bit; akin to a doll gaining sentience on its own. drowned in endless practice, and yet temporarily free from the shadows of a controlling family, perhaps. he doesn’t knows anything, but he can make his silent guesses in his mind.

“being busy here, is it nice?” another question thrown at him. “it can get so busy that you can’t be distracted by other things.” after spending the entire day inside the building, the times when he gets to collect his thoughts is when he’s returning after practice. the voices in his head makes attempts to erode his mind away, and he tries to sleep it off whenever it happens ( which doesn’t always work ).

[beyuwol]

okay, now yuwol has officially concerned for noel's wellbeing. being tired is common, especially with their tight schedule that provides little break in between—but this is different, clearly. yuwol doesn't want to bear witness to a friend passing out in the middle of the street. even worse, what if they parted ways and noel passes out only then? yuwol wouldn't be there to catch the other boy before he falls to the ground, or something. leave it to yuwol's brain to start spiralling into doom at the small sign of something wrong going on! yuwol can't help it though, he hopes that noel is okay. "it's alright," yuwol answers first. "we met a lot of our seniors, and i watched you perform." he recalls the memory, nodding along. "you were good, noel. you should be proud of yourself."

yuwol walks closer to the other boy, worry probably evident in the way he looks at the other boy now. "should we take a seat on a bench somewhere? like... over there?" he has a feeling that if he shows his concern outwardly, noel would just dodge it and continue walking onwards regardless. instead, yuwol decides to take on another approach. "my legs... are getting a little tired. i had to practice a new dance routine today, the steps were heavier than i was used to." hopefully, if yuwol uses himself as an excuse, noel would go along.

"we'll walk back afterwards catching our breaths for a bit. and—oh, i think i packed a jacket that you could wear if you'd like to change... so you don't get sick." it's about to be that season after all, and yuwol always generally feels cold.

"they're nice," yuwol replies, a smile on his face. "i think.. everyone is firm, but they aren't... mean, i suppose." he's used to his parents being beyond strict, so it wouldn't have been all that foreign.

beyuwol

he knows enough to discern that the next best course of action is to pull noel off of the ground before continuing the conversation though. he isn't that unaware! so he does, grabbing hold of noel's hand and pulling, helping the other up gently. "sweat and mud are two completely different things," yuwol mumbles, hopefully clear enough for noel to hear. "do you want to head back now then? you might catch a cold if you keep that on for too long." it's a shame that their small hang out session was cut short, but it's better than noel getting sick abruptly. "oh, right... yeah, i'm in sr media now. it's nice... so far. my callback was actually for your company at first. lime. but i suppose they changed their mind." no hard feelings. yuwol doesn't regret where he ended up.

“oh yeah…” he scratches the back of his neck “the halloween party i meant”. man just how tired was he? he didn’t feel exhausted, at least not like on next gen, but maybe he’d lost a little bit track of time. his days were so much the same lately, usually he had school to keep track of when it was weekend and not, now his days looked so familiar, every day was just practice. still, he knew there was still a while until christmas, so how did he mess it up? he shakes his head, confused with himself. maybe he was just day-dreaming about a christmas party, looking forward to that potentially happening. “so how was the uh, halloween party for you?”.

“thank you” he smiles “i am as well, it’s often more fun to practice if it’s along a friend”. then again, making trainee friends weren’t all sunshine and rainbows. it’s not everyone that gets their contract extended, and noel has had a few friends who no longer got to be trainees at lime, once their contract is over it can be difficult to hang with people who managed to get their contract extended when you didn’t. he’s also found out not to hope too much to debut with a specific trainee, getting your hopes up too high can hurt.

“mud might be harder to get off… perhaps i should soak it in some water” he gets up. “ah, i was having fun taking a walk with you, but i don’t have the time to get sick now, i’m a very busy man”.

“oh? it was originally from lime? it would’ve been fun to have you in the company, but i’m sure sr media is good as well, how are they treating you over there? are there some nice trainees and are the coaches too hard?”.

[beyuwol]

it's shocking, just how easily insu can still read him, despite having not seen each other for what felt like years. yuwol couldn't stop himself from reacting, from wincing when insu pointed out that he's clearly lying. even after so long, it doesn't seem like he can hide much from insu—he wishes that wasn't the case, but it's also a testament to how long they've known one another. how deeply the two of them were intertwined in each other's lives back then.

as bitter as it might feel, it's also another reality check about their current situation right now. despite everything, it's still hard to communicate with the other boy. he wants to deny, tell insu that he's wrong and that he's completely fine—but he can't, all he can do is stand there awkwardly as insu clearly refutes him. states the facts without much hesitation, as if he knows how to pry into yuwol's brain. in a way, insu does, insu used to be the only one who could.

yuwol doesn't know how to respond, in the face of the insu he once knew. of course it's not always black and white, how they ended up had been a mess of emotions filled with fights that sometimes only felt one-sided—but that wasn't how they always were. before all this, insu had cared. before all this, insu could make yuwol believe that love can exist, for someone like him. in the face of that gentleness, yuwol finds himself at a loss—what is he supposed to say to that? what can he say?

"i guess you're right," he admits, taking back his things and slowly putting them into his bag. if he can't lie, then he supposes he shouldn't. "maybe i'm not... okay. but that... it's not really any of your concern, right? you kind of made that clear... last time." yuwol replies, taking in a sharp breath, before letting it out again. he doesn't want to start another argument, his voice is soft and his tone is meek—he's just stating what was already obvious. there's a reason why the two of them didn't work out.

all of a sudden though, insu's grabbing a hold of his wrist, dragging him along somewhere yuwol doesn't know. he blinks, taking a moment to register what just happened, before he's transported back to reality. "hold on, where are you taking me?" he asks, even though he has a feeling he won't get a straight answer from insu. not right now. "it's not that serious..." another lie, he keeps churning out lies, but what else can he do?

before insu had suddenly disappeared, he can remember their last encounter with one another. it's not something he thought about often, actually he didn't really think about it at all until this very moment, though it was still there. he's not saying that he's a changed person, because he definitely wasn't ( that's what he told himself and made himself believe at least ), but regardless of how they were now he could still tell when the other was lying to him.

call it whatever you want but insu had known yuwol long enough to know how the other felt even without him having to verbally tell him. so, when the other male answers him, insu is able to tell right away that yuwol is straight out lying to him and despite telling himself inside that he doesn't care, well he still can't stop himself from speaking before the words that come out next just end up flowing out without warning. "you're lying. you're not okay"

his own words startle even himself as he says them, standing and handing yuwol what he had managed to gather, his expression serious as he stares at the other as if he's carefully watching him and his expressions. why did it matter to him? it didn't. absolutely not, there's no way that someone like insu would really care about how someone else felt ( the lies he's telling himself now continue even as he stands there ). "how have you really been?" honestly his tone almost sounds like it had back then, back when they first started 'dating', before insu got in his own nonchalant and uncaring ways. it almost sounds as if he's being soft towards yuwol in that moment.

"and i already told you, i did have to." as he says this he shoves his hands into his jacket pockets, gaze still stuck on the male in front of him for a few moments before glancing around. this definitely wasn't the place to be talking, not when it was getting more crowded by the second and people were becoming louder due to the excitement of the activities going on.

without really giving it much thought, insu removes his right hand from his pocket and grabs hold of yuwol's left wrist. "come with me." okay so maybe he should have given the other a choice of the matter, though the way that the other looked right now was only beginning to eat at something inside of him, making him want to get down to whatever the truth was that had yuwol lying to him right now. he doesn't care.

[beyuwol]

new world.

to think that he'd be performing so soon. yuwol hadn't expected it, of course he hadn't—it's all happening so fast, he feels a little lightheaded. it's different from the performances he's used to, and while he thinks it wouldn't be as stressful as the events of next gen, it isn't going to be a breeze either. he wants to do well, wonders just how differently he'd fare now that he's officially a trainee and has been taking proper lessons lately. would he do better, or was it all for naught?

were his parents right about him? was this path never meant for him?

in the midst of his thoughts, yuwol finds himself sitting next to @kouxbe, taking a breath after another round of intense rehearsals. they're both sweating, but instead of using the towel on himself, he places it on kou's head. he keeps his thoughts to himself, sealed behind his lips, left to die on his throat. he focuses on the other boy, how comfortable he looks with yuwol drying him off with a towel, and smiles.

"do you need water, kou?" he asks, head tilted to the side slightly. it's a habit of his, spoiling kou, even though he doesn't fully realize whenever he does. "you can have some of mine, if you feel like you don't have enough. i'm not that thirsty." once he's done, he leaves the towel still placed on kou's head, just in case kou still wants to use it.

"we've been practicing a lot, haven't we?" his parents wouldn't like it, that he's choosing this instead of the schedule that they have planned for him. but he'll deal with that later.

[beyuwol]

"you're welcome," yuwol replies with a gentle smile. he hadn't thought that he'd be able to make a substantial connection with anyone outside of the small circle he has had for a long time, but he somehow manages to stay in contact with chaerin post next gen. small wins, yuwol thinks.

he's intent on showing her his appreciation. he would never say it aloud, but chaerin has been supporting her when his own parents wouldn't. that small push, like during the events of waterbomb with the tiktok challenge, is probably what slowly gained him his confidence. yuwol hopes spending time with him isn't awkward though, considering how quiet he can be most times.

"scarves, huh..." yuwol repeats, nodding to himself. "that's a safe option," he agrees. if that is the item he'd choose, should he try to find out chaerin's favourite color—so he can get a scarf of that same color? he begins brainstorming his options, until chaerin brings him out of his thoughts for a moment.

he blinks, caught slightly off-guard. "oh, not really—well, i guess i am. just... one or two people." has he lost his ability to lie? yuwol moves on regardless, changing the topic. "handmade items do sound a lot more... personal. i think it'd be cute. i do wonder if it would've been better if... well, they were made by my hands."

having been busy with preparing for the christmas concert, chaerin hadn't had the chance to go gift shopping just yet. she didn't have some super long list of people she wanted to get something for—most people she'll just replace it with a gift on kakaotalk—but she still needed to actually do some shopping.

"thank you," she said before taking the cup of hot chocolate yuwol had offered her. she didn't think she'd ever go shopping with yuwol, but she's grown fond of him after next gen and continued to think about him. she was probably the most excited upon hearing of him signing to sr media as she had encouraged him to keep trying.

in the back of her mind, she makes a mental note to herself to grab something for yuwol, too. nothing too extravagant because she didn't want to burden him or whatever. however, she did want to show that she was happy that he continued to strive down this path of becoming an idol.

"i think scarves are always nice to get during the holidays. you can never have enough scarves," she commented with a chuckle. "but there also seem to be some interesting handmade items people are selling! are you looking for anything specific for someone?"

[beyuwol]

CHRISTMAS CONCERT !

admittedly, yuwol isn't the most familiar with sr media's discography. before getting signed, after the events of next gen, he did make a small effort to familiarize himself with their music though. blue hour has been one of those songs that stood out. listening to the beat of the song and the lyrics, it feels like a rather... hopeful song. it's different to what yuwol is used to, it's not the type of tracks that he has composed either. but that's exactly what he's in sr media for, isn't it? for change—for something different, finally. truthfully speaking, it's nice, and it sounds... fun, above all else.

he likes the choreography, the footwork, how jumpy it makes him feel when usually he'd stand there and move his arms instead of his whole body. it's different now, and there isn't any of that pressure that he would feel in the middle of a survival show struggling to prove whether he has what it takes or not. there's a significant difference between then and now too. even though he'd gotten his bearings on dancing, he knew he can do much better. now that he's granted the opportunity to properly hone those skills, yuwol thinks the flow of his movements has improved, he doesn't feel as stiff as he used to.

to his surprise, yuwol were given more rap lines than he expected. it isn't exactly something that he had focused on in the past, more like an add-on that he would think about here and there. is this a sign, is this what sr media wants him to work on in the future? he does keep it in the back of his mind, for later on.

either way, he does his best with what was granted to him. it wasn't a breeze, it never is, but yuwol thinks that because it's exciting and fun ( so is the song ), the steps aren't too heavy. the lines he says don't strangle his throat, not like how it used to.

this feels... right.

[beyuwol]

in his own eyes, yuwol wouldn't call himself someone with a plethora experience when it comes to performing live. sure, he had a survival show on his belt, but it wasn't exactly his best work. he would argue that it was one of his worst, seeing as how he's used to performing with an instrument. perhaps it was being thrust into that strangely new environment that drove him to work harder, to find something that he knew he would want to improve on—to work towards a goal, for himself. not for his parents, just him.

he doesn't know what drove yiran to become an idol trainee. they don't exactly have that sort of close relationship that allows them to converse about their dreams. not back then, at least. now here they are, in the same company, set for the same path ( hopefully ).

yuwol nods, listening to yiran explain his situation. "rather than worrying about whether you sound good or not on stage... you could try to figure out what your weak points are instead?" he hopes what he's saying makes sense—yuwol doesn't think he's wholly qualified to give advice, but he wants to help in any way that he can.

"are you talking about keeping your vocals stable, while you're dancing?" he asks, clarifying. "it's all about keeping your breath steady, in my opinion. knowing when to reel back and take a breath, a compromise between dancing and singing. it's hard to think about... but the more practice, it starts becoming like instinct." it's never that easy though, obviously.

crossing paths with yuwol in the same industry, or even the same company, is also a surprise for yiran. but he shouldn’t be judging him, he probably has his own reasons, or his own dreams. yiran has never thought of becoming an idol himself, but somehow he’s here, as an sr media trainee alongside yuwol. yiran considers it a good experience, though. if it doesn’t works out, at the very least, he’s learning a lot as a trainee, and he can utilise those skills in the future. his ultimate goal has never changed: securing a stable future.

for now, his current goal is to overcome the obstacle known as, singing. yiran knows how difficult it is to sing and dance at the same time, but he didn’t know it would be this rough. he still needs to get used to multitasking in his head.

when yuwol comes to approach him instead, he almost blinks at him in shock, but remains ( or, attempt ) calm. somehow, the boy feels a little more different than the boy he saw years ago. “h-hello…” he greets back. and then… there’s the question. do you want to talk about it? thanks for asking it for him! really!

“i don’t- have live singing experience,” he gets straight to the point, as always. “it’s worrying, and i don’t believe i sound good.” yiran has a heavy dancing background, after all. singing had always been an afterthought for him. “it’s… uh, nice to see you again…” yiran adds in, softly. by right, he should had been saying that first, but he’s also tired and anxious too.

[beyuwol]

YEAR-END WISH !

there isn't a lot that yuwol would wish for. at least, back then.

in the past, yuwol would consider himself someone who doesn't want a lot. maybe even today, there isn't a lot that he'd like to wish for. the future is uncertain, always has been, wishing for something means that he has expectations for that unexpected future. in yuwol's experience, that has never done him anything good. even right now, he doesn't think having a wish will bode well for him later down the road.

as he's looking up at the sky though, with the moon hanging over his head—yuwol thinks that he's starting to pick up the pieces, coming across little things that he'd like to live for. things that, if he's granted the opportunity, to see through until the end. he's already threading on dangerous waters, but he wants this.

this freedom, this happiness, this sense of belonging somewhere. even though he still feels like a mismatched puzzle piece that doesn't fit quite yet, he wants to fit. that's his wish, as selfish as it may come.

he wants to live. for himself, starting from next year. maybe from this moment, but he thinks there's a lot more in store the next year. at least, yuwol hopes.

hoping—that, too. is new.

[beyuwol]

be careful because the the puppy does bite !

[beyuwol]

yuwol offers jaeseung his best smile, although he wonders just how crooked it actually looks. it feels awkward, but he hopes that he can be a reassuring figure of sorts for jaesung. he knows that being thrust into this type of situation so suddenly can be rather jarring, yuwol wouldn't know how to react if he was placed in jaesung's shoes either. he simply hopes that jaesung doesn't feel too pressured, especially with how fast things are going for them. it's good to gain more experience, but still.

"you're definitely not alone," yuwol reminds. "right now, we're all a team." just because jaesung won't be performing blue hour with the rest of the sr boys, yuwol hopes that jaesung doesn't feel like an outcast. "you're definitely not the only one who's nervous," he says, letting out a breath. "honestly, it does feel like it came out of nowhere, didn't it?"

he takes out his own bottle and starts chugging, he needs it to feel more fresh. as much as yuwol is starting to get used to training, he still doesn't like the feeling of sweat sticking onto his skin. "i've done my own shares of performances too... but not like this. usually, all i'm doing is playing an instrument." those recitals are so much more different. "what about you?" he asks jaesung, curious—but also because he wants to get the other to open up too.

jaesung feels like his world is changing so drastically. here he is now, a trainee of his dream company and he already has to participate in a concert. sure he only has to do the song with all the trainees but it still make him nervous. the last time he performed even a little bit was at enkorefest and even then he felt like his nerves were on fire. plus he didn't really know too many people in sr media so he hoped that changed down the line.

he's wonders if anyone else is feeling like how he is. he's been trying to go over everything for the group song. sure he doesn't have his own lines which he appreciates but he knows he has to memorize the choreography they are doing. he's ready to push himself but hopes he doesn't make a fool of himself onstage with everyone else. that would be so embarrassing.

as he is taking a break, jae takes a drink from his water bottle before looking over when he hears a voice. "i'm doing as best as i can." he answers, his body appreciating getting the chance to relax. "i am. i haven't performed in front of an audience in such a while." he admits easily though he hopes that his nerves will push him to do his best. "yeah? glad i'm not alone with this feeling."

[beyuwol]

winter had always been... rather cold, an isolating time of year that yuwol had become used to. christmas, on its own, is festive. the festivity only extends to his family as appearances though, nothing more and nothing less. while yuwol has grown accustomed to the colder weather, he misses the longer days basking under the sun. it's not all too bad this year, though. not by his usual standards.

now, he's occupied with the routine of training. while he's used to his schedule being incredibly jam packed, it doesn't involve his parents nor is it under their pointed observation anymore. it feels rather freeing, maybe that's why he's been feeling a little... bolder, lately. he finds himself, surprisingly, reaching out to people more. he thinks it's a nice character development, even though he thinks it's normal thing at the end of the day.

still, it's an improvement on his part. whereas he'd entertain mindless conversation for the sake of keeping up appearances, now he's starting to start conversations on his own. that's what he's thinking of when he sees luciel, seemingly a little more irritable than usual. he picks up a word, and blinks.

"hi there," yuwol says, voice soft and unassuming. the usual. "you seem a little... annoyed. are you alright?" he questions. "not a big fan of winter either?"

supercold ♰⸝⸝ starter for @beyuwol

as the season gets colder, the more luciel wants to remain inside buildings. he’s never one to like the winter season, despite how festive his surroundings are. the cold does bring back memories he’s not fond of. he used to despise it whenever it snow, especially. but as he grew older, his disdain faded away, what remains is a habit of disliking being cold.

luciel loathes the moment when practice is over, he has to walk back to the dorms. the sun would have already set by then, greeted by the moon and cold winds running past him. he lingers around the doors of the building, heaving a sigh as he thinks about how he has to deal with the troublesome weather. the hot packs in his pockets aren’t going to help much either.

maybe he’ll just get a hot cup of tea from the vending machine first?

“mendo…” luciel mumbles to himself, as he watches trainees leaving the building one after another, hopping home. he whips out his phone instead as he leans against the wall, wondering if he should bother a friend.

[beyuwol]

yuwol doesn't know much about skating. it wasn't one of the hobbies that he'd allow himself to partake in that often. honestly, yuwol had never properly skated in his entire life. he doesn't know how he has lived a rather long life into his twenties without ever touching the ice rink, but he managed to do it regardless. he couldn't avoid it forever though, because now he's right here, with noel, making a fool of himself.

he doesn't know what he's doing, he feels like his limbs are flailing about in a manner that is far from graceful. he's not excited about this, but he is determined to try something new too. this is one of those things.

"yeah i never have... somehow," yuwol explains, eyes locked onto the ice below him. an automatic reaction to being on the ice. "is it really that fun...?" he questions, not to argue, but simply because he doesn't see what's fun about this yet. "you seem rather natural with this," yuwol comments.

"i wouldn't want to impose..." despite saying this, yuwol knows it'll only be about time until he'd have to fully rely on noel. he's still holding onto the railings, for now. "i feel... a little nervous to let go of the railings," he admits, moving at a snail's pace.

a professional and a bambi

noel enjoyed ice skating quite a bit and he was excited to hear about the ice rink that was followed by the christmas month here at seoul. he was a bit busy with project green and preparing for the mini concert axis labels would be holding, but he made sure to find time for going to the ice rink. during next gen he took no breaks, now he had learned breaks were important, they made sure he wouldn’t break himself and end up incapable of catching up with his fellow members.

it’d been a while since he stepped foot on ice with ice skates, or well, earlier this year when it was still winter, but he was confident in his skills and excited to come back. 

“you said you’d never done ice skating before, right?” he looks at yuwol ( @beyuwol ), a bit surprised that the other is twenty-two and still hasn’t attempted ice skating before. he ties his shoes extra tight before returning his look to yuwol “it’s fun” he smiles “and i’ll be there to catch you if you fall, you can hold my hand as well, that might make it easier”. “how’s it going?” he points at the other’s skates “do they feel comfortable and correct?” he returns his look to yuwol.